#and now I feel stuck analyzing like did I choose that thought? if I did if it was a conscious thought does that mean something bad about me?

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

trying to convince myself that intrusive thoughts can also be like. UNWANTED thoughts? like they can be conscious, it isn't always just a random out of left field thing. it can be thinking something and then being like hey what the fuck that's fucked up and not a thought I want in my head why is that there? I guess just trying to convince myself that my worries and spirals affect my subconscious, which affects the things that pop into my head AND that I end up thinking, and that it isn't a reflection of some deep evil inside me

[caliosi]

I have- a lot of feelings about color symbolism in character design, especially how it interacts with other characters in that media.

So anyway, here are my thoughts in relation to two pieces of obscure media that I can’t stop thinking about, The Glass Scientists and Ghost Trick. Major spoilers for Ghost Trick! This game has a fantastic story with a really good twist so I recommend if you have any interest in it at all, go check it out before you read this!

So, in TGS Jekyll has a very obvious red motif and Hyde a green one

These are two complimentary colors, which in and of themselves have some fun ideas to discuss. Complementary colors are two complete opposites on the color wheel. But as the name suggests, these two colors also go really well together. To make something beautiful a good choice would be to have both these colors. But you also can’t have equal amounts of both with the same vibrancy or shade throughout the whole thing or there will be no harmony. These two will always go together like this, opposites but work together to make the full depth and beauty that a person has to be a person. To avoid making things messy, you choose moments when green gets to be the main color and red gets to shine through to make each other pop and the other way around.

There is also something to be said about the fact that Jekyll is red and Hyde is green. Red most commonly is associated with things like anger, hatred or just evil and green is usually considered good. Now this isn’t always the case though, there are times green is associated with things like poison and red is associated with passion. The only thing that I am stuck on is the descriptor of passionate more suites Hyde’s public persona. If anyone has any ideas as to why Jekyll is represented by red I would love to hear it.

Now in Ghost Trick (spoilers) the two characters I am going to talk about is Cabanela and Yomiel. These two have the same color palette for their clothing, red white and black, the only difference is with Yomiel his main color is red with a white accent and Cabenela’s main color is white with an accent of red.

It is already pointed out in the game that Cabanela’s white coat represents his ‘spotless record’ or the fact that he does good, but he always has that scarf weighting down on his neck, the time he was responsible for Yomiel’s death. With Yomiel he is covered in the red, all the bad things he has done, but there is a sliver of white, he wants to be a good person that is his humanity. They are opposites but at the same time, they are the exact same. Now, this may be a real stretch but... at the very end of the game, when we see Yomiel in prison he has on a pink frock. The red and white combined. He is still going to forever have that red on him, he always did what he did, but he lightened it, he will be better and he, unlike Cabanela who separates the bad thing he did from his good, has excepted that part of himself into who he is and he won’t run away from it.

Anyway, go read The Glass Scientists and play Ghost Trick (or at least watch a play through) if you haven’t! They are both wonderful pieces of media about humanity and identity and highly recommend them especially if you like to over analyze things!

[cmdrfupa]

Mind over matter

Part 3 of unrequited Hiromi x Reader.

Pt.1 & Pt.2

The previous night proved to be better than anticipated.

Kento apologized a total of 4 times, and the slight sting on your inner thighs was proof of it. But you were his again. No more dedicating himself to late nights in the office or choosing friends' outings over you. You were his partner, and he would do right by you. Cloud 9.

The morning was going to be as expected. Three legal interviews were scheduled at the top of your day before you spent the remainder on a call, then analyzing new data for a current trial. Knowing you'd be stuck at your desk, Kento bought you a bento and thermos set to be more efficient.

Seeing Hiromi in his office on the way to yours, you stopped to greet him. "Morning Higuruma! Good start to the day so far?"

Looking off the side of his monitor, his eyes focused on you as the corner of his mouth lifted into a smile.

"Good morning to you. So far, a decent day. Let's hope it stays that way."

"With summer interns on week 3, we can only hope." The gentle laugh that left your mouth only filled his stomach with butterflies. "Well, let me get to it!"

"See you around."

"Don't work too hard! We'll need powerhouse Higuruma for that conference call." You bounced as he observed your walk to your office.

"Maybe she wanted to talk later? It is only 9 in the morning. And I did say whenever you're free."

His thoughts swirled as he gazed at the doorway where you had stood. He shook his head, trying to dispel the tumult of emotions, and returned to his emails.

The late afternoon rolled around too quickly for Hiromi, and the 3-hour conference call was the main culprit. He felt he hadn't done much and dreaded the research files waiting on his desk. Knowing his assistant was leaving soon, he made his second cup of tea in the office kitchen to stretch his legs. The quiet chatters among his peers filled the silence as he waited for the kettle to ding. But the mentioning of your name grabbed his attention first.

  "It's the 2nd balloon bouquet he's sent her now. Last time, it was the cookies and flowers," one assistant spoke hushedly.

  "Oh, he's going all out. I mean, Kento is already hot. The surprise gifts are just a bonus."

  "On looks alone, giving him another chance is so worth it."

  The butterflies he had felt earlier turned to heavy stones in the pit of his stomach. You had chosen your ex. The feeling of what he wanted to call betrayal was overwhelming.

    If he could have a mug full of rum to help him forget the hideous balloon bouquet left at the front desk for you, Hiromi would fill it to the brim. Grape oolong tea would have to do for now.

  "I don't know, Higuruma. It's possible you did nothing wrong, and she wanted to get back with her ex."

  "It has to be something I did. Was it the approach? Possibly came on too passively?"

  Kusakabe unwrapped another hard candy and threw it into his mouth before turning to look at you and Kento in the reception area. The office staff stared in astonishment at Kento's display of affection. He arrived a few minutes after the courier delivered the bouquet, and the women in the office immediately gathered around, drawn in by his smooth voice asking for you. Hiromi watched from his office, feeling unbearable tension.

  "Probably too passive. Should've been more bold."

  "Atsuya, please. I was as bold as I could've been. I told her how I felt just on a whim. There was no planning. What else did I need to do?" Shove my tongue down her throat?"

  "I mean... Probably would've worked." Kusakabe shrugged.

  "But that doesn't make sense."

  "Women don't make sense, just like we don't. Lay it to rest, alright? She's taken. You'll live and move on."

The weight of loss settled heavily on Hiromi's shoulders as he watched you talk, hand in hand with your ex, Kento. Jealousy bubbled up inside him despite his efforts to keep it at bay.

When he thought it couldn't get any worse, you made eye contact with him. "Damn it, they're coming to my office," Hiromi muttered under his breath. Your shameless display of affection only added fuel to the fire as you waltzed into his office.

  "Kusakabe, Higuruma! You remember my boyfriend Nanami Kento?" you announced with a smile. Kusakabe stood up, reaching out his hand.

"Guy from last year's holiday party that got completely smashed off the Moscow mules, right?" Kento's jaw clenched as he shook Kusakabe's hand.

  "Didn't think anyone would remember that."

"Hard to forget a guy who tried kissing Yaga under the mistletoe."

"Twice. Tried twice," Hiromi added, shaking Kento's hand more firmly than he shook Kusakabe's. "Good to see you, Nanami."

  Your face flushed with embarrassment as you watched Kento struggle to maintain his composure while recollecting the unfortunate holiday work party incident.

"Do you guys have any plans for this weekend?" Kento's fingers relaxed as you chimed in. "I'm having a little backyard party! Kento bought this new Konro grill, and I want to test it out. You should both come!"

  Hiromi was the only person who noticed Kento's glare, which wasn't exactly inviting. Despite Kusakabe's lighthearted conversation about the special marinade he uses for his Yakitori, Hiromi's internal turmoil was evident as he struggled to maintain a casual tone, managing to say, "Sounds fun."

  "If you have plans, don't try to shift them on our behalf." Kento chimed in, snaking one arm around your waist and bringing you closer. "Last-minute plans are always the worst, I understand."

  "We really wouldn't want to impose-"

"Do you guys prefer red or white wine? I have a bottle I've been wanting to open, and I think a backyard party celebrating friendship and whatever you two got going on is the perfect event!" Kusakabe's uncharacteristic smile made Hiromi wince. What the hell was he doing?

    Two hours—two hours to land on a short-sleeved off-white polo, navy blue chinos, and low-profile tennis shoes. His dark, stringy hair was precisely slicked back, only leaving a few strands to fall onto his forehead. "Rest. We need to get more rest." he lightly dragged his thumbs across the slight bags under his brown eyes before grabbing his wallet.

He called you that morning, asking what he could bring to complement the menu best. "Whatever your heart desires!" Your chipper tone gave him an unfortunate amount of serotonin.

After texting Atsuya to let him know he was en route, Hiromi went to your now-shared home.

  Perfectly manicured lawn, Hiromi slowly walked to the front door as he admired the lush grass and oddly shaped hedges that lined the front windows. Realizing the ring doorbell was active, he gave it a wave with his free hand.

"Hi. It's Higuruma."

"I'll be right there," a familiar male voice broadcasts in response from the little box.

There he stood, his signature cruciferous crunch slaw and a bottle of gin for Kento in hand, awaiting his own personal hell that merely sat on the other side of the door.

[buckysgrace]

Chapter Thirty

Previous Chapter

“Okay,” Billy followed her into her room, shutting the door gently behind her as he locked it. Neil wasn’t quite home yet and Kim hadn’t seen her mother yet. Her hands were still shaking from their encounter with Hopper and Kim didn’t know how to describe what she was feeling, “You’re acting weird. What’s wrong?” Billy sounded genuinely worried as he spoke to her. 

“I’m fine,” She forced out, her knees hitting the back of her bed as she tried to keep distance between the two of them. She felt stuck as he walked closer to her, rolling his broad shoulders, “I just got tired.” She lied, averting her eyes from his as he tried to analyze her. She wouldn’t let him know what she was thinking right now. She was too afraid.

“He doesn’t know,” He spoke up, standing in front of her as he bent his head down towards her and silently urged her to look at him, “It’s going to be fine. I wouldn’t let anything happen to you.” He repeated and she thought about how there was no way he could actually control that. She exhaled sharply.

“Billy, we have to stop. Seriously, we almost got caught. If he was suspicious there’s nothing you could’ve done to stop it.” She replied urgently, hoping to make him see the light. He scoffed, rolling his blue eyes like she had just said something ridiculous. 

“He wasn’t suspicious though. You’re just overthinking it. Hey,” He held onto her elbows gently, making her hazel eyes look towards him. She thought he looked concerned by the way he kept bringing her towards him. Just being near him made her sick at the moment and it wasn’t anything to do with him. No, it was all in her head. Maybe she was overreacting a bit but she also didn’t want anything serious to happen to either of them. She was trying to keep them safe, “It’s okay. I promise you. Who cares what anyone thinks anyways?” She felt the tears blurring in her eyes as she peered up at him.

“You don’t care if people find out? Seriously?” She looked at him seriously, searching for any indications of emotion in his blue eyes. He sighed, scratching at his mustache as he looked around her room. He placed his hands on his hips before looking back towards her.

“Okay, no I don’t want people to find out,” He stepped closer towards her again, placing his large hands on her arms, “No one is going to find out though. We’ve been careful. Hopper didn’t suspect anything, you’re just paranoid and overthinking it.”

“Billy,” She responded exasperated, holding her hands up between them as he took another step back and released his grip on her, “He was looking between us. He was suspicious.”

“He was suspicious because of me. He’s busted my ass for a lot of shit. He wasn’t suspicious of you. Don’t get your panties all twisted. No one would actually believe that you would fuck your brother. Everyone thinks too highly of you to stoop so low.” He sounded bitter as he spoke and she couldn’t necessarily blame him for that. She had been put on a higher pedestal since their parents had married. She hated to think about how right he was. That people would expect for him to do something gross like fuck his sister while she was in the opposite boat. That scared her even more, thinking of the repercussions he would have to face.

“We shouldn’t do this,” She whispered out softly, “You told me I could decide to stop whenever I wanted to and I’m choosing to do that now. I don’t want someone to find out.” She whispered out, almost hoarsely and near tears again. Her chest ached as she said the words because even though her mind was telling her to stop her heart was telling her something completely different. She didn’t want to give him up. She had to.

“You want to end this?” His blue eyes peeled back the layers of her skin until she was sure he was looking into her heart. She wondered if he could feel what she was feeling, what she was thinking. She wanted him to know that it wasn’t anything he did. He took a step closer towards her and she couldn’t find it in herself to pull away.

“Yes.” A tear slipped free, falling slowly down her cheek as she stared at him. She wanted nothing more than for him to find a way to change her mind but she feared that he would be unable to do so. This was what was best after all. He could say what he wanted but she knew she saw Hopper looking suspicious. If his car had been parked there for a while then she was sure the chief had seen her move off of her step brother’s lap.

Billy’s hand wiped away her tear as he watched her gently. He had no tears in his eyes, “One last time then. Give me one more time with you and I promise this all ends. Whatever you say, whatever conditions you want.” She stared for a second, trying to lie to herself like she didn’t like the feeling of his skin on hers. She exhaled softly, feeling her cheek growing warm from his touch.

“One last time?” She asked unsure. She knew it was a bad idea, knew that the possibility of this being their very last time was slim to none. She could pretend. She could pretend that her life would somehow go back to normal after this. Like she wouldn’t think about him every night. Every morning. Every second for the rest of her life. 

He nodded, sending her a silent promise. She couldn’t read what he was thinking but that didn’t matter at the moment. She let him pull her shirt off over her head and expose herself to him. She watched as he got on his knees in front of her and slowly pulled her skirt down low over her thighs. She tried to ignore the loud pounding in her chest as her heart ached. 

“I’ll do whatever you want,” He promised, leaning forward to place a gentle kiss against her clothed panites. She bit back a moan as he tugged those off too, leaving her bare to him again. She wanted to see him bare as well if this would truly be their last time together. She tried not to regret her decision. 

“Billy,” He squeezed her thigh softly, helping her lift her feet out of her clothes. She stared down at the sight in front of her. It felt unholy looking at Billy on his knees in front of her. It made her palms sweaty, looking at how his blue eyes twinkled as he watched her. His hair was still messy from earlier, his lips still swollen and tinted red, “Should we get on the bed?” She was drawn out of her thoughts by her own voice. She didn’t know if she could handle having Billy on his knees for her. 

He nodded, holding her hands as she shifted her feet over towards the bed. He remained on the floor, staring up at her as he pushed gently on her hips, “Lay down.” He commanded. She could feel her eyes widening but she nodded in agreement. She laid back, staring up at her white ceiling as he gripped her hips and pulled her towards the edge of her bed. She gulped, feeling her pillows and stuffed animals partially shift off of the bed from his strong movements.

“Are you sure?” She asked suddenly, sitting up on her elbows to look down at him. He stared right back up at her. She could feel his breath tickling against her wet cunt and she was suddenly upset that she had interrupted him.

“Yes, one more time.” He reminded her, keeping eye contact with her as his lips dipped between her lips. Her head fell back on the bed quickly, her mouth parting in awe at the feeling of his warm tongue tracing her pussy. She sighed softly, dragging her hand across her comforter as Billy kissed her pussy. She wondered why she hadn’t had him do this more often when she had the chance.

He pulled her even closer, her bottom half hanging off of the bed as his strong grip held her in place. His tongue was rough and wet as he dipped between her folds before circling around her clit. She moaned, feeling her hips grinding up towards his face. He slipped a finger inside of her and she suddenly remembered how it had hurt at first. She couldn’t believe she had gone that far with him.

She clenched her hands into fists, her breath staggering in her chest as his finger curled up inside of her wet hole. She felt her ears burning from the sounds he was making between her legs. He sounded as if he was a starved man and she was the last meal he would ever have. He pulled up suddenly, giving her one last slow look before he was climbing to his feet. She felt herself protesting as she pushed herself back on the bed to keep from sliding onto the floor.

“Why?” She sounded as if she were a whiny child who had just been told no. He smirked, looking too pleased with himself as he stood in front of her. He started to unbutton his shirt and she felt herself all too preoccupied as she stared at his movements. 

“Are you just going to stare or what?” He asked playfully as he pulled his shirt down his broad shoulders. Her face was turning red as she sat at the edge of the bed and fought to keep her hand from shaking as she slowly struggled to get his belt off of him. She found herself having to focus on breathing from how intensely he was watching her movements. Something felt different suddenly and she began to wonder what she would do if she didn’t have Billy now. She still hadn’t succeeded in gaining Steve’s interest. She realized she would be very lonely once again. Billy would have no issue finding other girls but Kim was still shy and didn’t have enough confidence to talk to the cute boys she had seen.

She tried to keep her mind quiet as she forced his pants and underwear down his thighs, struggling from how tightly they fit him. He stepped out of them quickly as she stared between his legs, wondering if this really would be the last time she saw his dick. Her lust was begging her to take her words back, to tell the older boy that she had made a mistake. At the same time her mind was urging her to stop and kept flashing her images of Hopper watching them. 

“Can I suck it?” She asked unsure as she gripped him in her small hand. She thought it was best that she memorized the ridges and veins that occupied his length. He gently moved her hand away before sitting down next to her. She could feel the pout beginning to come forth but swallowed it down from the fierce way he was watching her. She shifted on the bed, unsure of what she was supposed to do as she began to reach for his hard cock again.

“Sit on my lap,” Billy held her hand gently against his to stop her movements from touching him. She tried not to huff. She thought if this was her last time then she really would’ve enjoyed the feeling of having him in her mouth again, no matter how badly it stretched her jaw. She nodded, beginning to crawl over his lap but he quickly adjusted. She frowned, her back facing him as she stared forward towards her vanity. She was glad her mirror was tilted at a different angle so she wouldn’t see herself at the moment, “That’s a good girl.” She felt her heart race faster from his praise. She sat on his lap awkwardly, trying to find balance as he spread her legs wide. Her face burned from the feeling of her wet thighs pulling apart. Billy was sliding his cock up into her wet hole before she could say anything else.

“Oh!” She yelped as she rolled her hips forward, not expecting the pleasure as she wiggled her hips. He gripped her hips tightly, hissing as he bottomed out inside of her. She tried to move but he held her still.

“Come on, if this is the last time I want you to enjoy my cock.” He muttered, licking the side of her neck up towards her ear. He sucked on her soft skin gently and she was sure he was trying to leave a mark on her.

“I can’t move.,” She whined out softly as his tongue grazed against her skin, “Billy.” She moaned, his cock fitting inside her perfectly. She felt her walls fluttering around his hard cock, begging him to move inside of her.

“Mhm?” He asked playfully as he rubbed her skin softly. She thought it was torture being forced to sit on his cock and unable to move, “Just enjoy the feeling of me. I wanna remember this.” He teased as he peppered more kisses along the side of her neck. She wanted to tell him it was hard to focus on anything when all she wanted to do was move.

“You’re being mean,” She reminded him, exhaling as his cock throbbed inside of her. She knew he wanted this just as bad as she did. She didn’t understand why he was being so difficult, “Please let me move.” She felt her voice straining as she tried to appear as convincing as she could. He pretended to consider it.

“I just want to remember what this tight, wet little cunt feels like,” Billy replied huskily, his voice sending shivers down her back, “It’s going to be so hard watching you walk around and not fucking you. I guess I’ll have to give Tina another call.” She felt her walls fluttering around his length, coaxing him to do anything as she listened to his dirty words. She felt sweat beginning to form on the back of her neck. She found herself jealous again thinking about the other girl, but quickly remembered how he hadn’t been able to get hard from her. 

“Oh my god, Billy,” Kim tried to roll her hips, desperately searching for a way to push his cock against her bundle of nerves. She was so close to angling her hips to that perfect position when he held her in place. She whimpered in protest, unable to move as he held her still, “Stop being mean.” She spoke breathlessly, looking over her shoulder to face him. He grinned at her through his thick eyelashes. 

“I’m not being mean,” His warm air fanned her face as he spoke. He rubbed his large hands across her curves and squeezed her waist, “I’m just letting you feel how good my cock is in case this is the last time. Do you want this to be the last time?” She shook her head pathetically, feeling her walls fluttering around his large cock. She was growing frustrated from wanting to feel him dragging her down onto him.

“No,” She cried out, feeling so overwhelmed from not being able to move. She was so drenched, soaking her slick down his throbbing cock. She looked at him desperately, trying to show him just how badly she needed him. She didn’t really mean her words, she just wasn’t thinking clearly earlier, “Billy, I need you so badly. Please, please fuck me.” She fluttered her eyelashes at him, doing her best to convince him. She watched how he tilted his head playfully, as if he was considering his options.

“I thought you were afraid about being caught?” His fingertips rubbed circles into her skin, slowly and gently. She exhaled deeply, her skin burning from where he was touching her. She suddenly hated how strong he was.

“I’m not,” She shook her head quickly, the movement causing him to stir inside of her. She gaped again, wanting to feel it again, “Please, Billy. I was wrong. I want this so badly. Please.” She wasn’t sure she had ever begged for something this hard before. Not even when she had pleaded with her father to let her live with him. This was something entirely different that had spread inside of her. Billy clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth.

“Do you want your brother to fuck your slutty pussy?” He asked, resting his chin atop of her shoulder as he moved one of his hands up slowly. She could feel herself melting against his touch as a fire started and grew from his fingers. He cupped her boob in his large hand, squeezing softly before pinching at her nipples. 

“Yes!” She exclaimed in pure agony over his torment. She knew he wanted it just as badly as she did. She didn’t know how much more she needed to beg and pray for him, “Please give it to me.” She fought the urge to roll her hips again as he tugged on her hardened nipple and the sensation traveled straight between her legs. He chuckled, leaning forward to press a gentle kiss against her jawline.

“S’alright, I’ll give you my cock, baby,” She didn’t get a chance to sigh in relief before he was roughly grabbing a hold of her arms and forcing her onto her feet. She thought she might cry as he shoved her up and his cock left her. He held onto her arms as he pressed her roughly onto the bed. She squirmed for a bit, unable to get comfortable as he kept her hands behind her back, “Stop moving.” He demanded as he roughly smacked her ass. She squealed, face falling forward into her pillows. She tried to turn to face him but he gently nudged her face back. He pushed her legs far apart and used his free hand to keep her backside arched high in the air. She could feel a similar burning in her arms in this position from being so far behind her back.

“Sorry,” She whined, not finding any point in arguing when she felt the head of his cock rubbing against her soaked entrance. She bit her lip in anticipation, waiting for what seemed like hours before he finally thought that she had enough of his torment. He slid into her slowly, keeping a steady grip over her wrists as he bottomed out inside of her. She fought to keep her legs from collapsing when he pulled all the way out and slammed back into her. She cried out, “Billy!”

“Oh, poor little baby. Look how wet you are on my cock,” He chuckled, smacking the left side of her butt cheek. She bit down on her bottom lip, enjoying the stinging pain that traveled across her backside, “And you wanted to stop all of this.” He tasked again, squeezing her wrists together as he slammed into her brutally. She felt her eyes cross for a moment and wondered if this was what heaven felt like. Billy kept bringing up what she had said and she knew that she wouldn’t be hearing the last of it. 

“Don’t stop,” She prayed out loud, her fingers curling into fists behind her back as he used her arms to roughly drag her on his throbbing length. She didn’t want him to make another point by teasing her. She felt so starved for his cock, “Need you so bad.” Kim breathed out in bliss, her body snapping forward into her pillows with each sharp snap of his hips. She gasped as she felt her toes curl.

“Remember that,” He was grunting harshly as he smacked her bottom again, “Remember how badly you cried for my dick. Poor little baby.” He mocked dragging his fingertips along her red skin before smacking the area again. She squealed softly, resisting the urge to bite down on her pillows. 

He held her hands behind her back with one hand, the other he used to grip her waist as he rammed his fat cock into her repeatedly. Her face was shoved in the pillows, trying to keep herself quiet but it wasn’t working. He felt so good. He was making her feel so good. 

“See, baby,” Billy grunted as he dug his fingertips into her soft skin, “See how badly you would’ve missed my cock?” Her bedframe was smacking against the wall repeatedly as the sound of them filled her room. She bit back a squeal, turning her face up to look at him as drool coated her lips.

“Need my big brother's cock so bad,” She whined between words, her face growing red from being rubbed against her pillow. His grip on her hands tightened when she said that, his hips stalled for a moment before he slammed back into her harshly. She was mewling underneath him, completely in awe from how his cock was pulsing inside of her, “Don’t stop.” She pleaded, crying out for him even though she had him.

He grunted as the head of his cock pressed into her bundle of nerves. She felt herself squeezing around his hard cock, her toes curling in pleasure as the familiar feeling began to swim inside of her stomach. He gripped her hair roughly, squeezing hard before forcing her face into the pillows to silence her loud moaning. A thick pool of drool left her open mouth and coated her pillowcase as she shook around him. She took in a long drag of fresh air as she turned to face him again.

“Fuck, fuck,” He pulled out of her quickly, pumping his cock in his hand furiously. He wrinkled his eyebrows together in concentration. Kim turned quickly on her shaky hands and knees, keeping her ass arched in the similar position to before as she settled between his legs with her tongue sticking out, “Oh fuck!” Billy cursed, thrusting forward as thick goops of white landed on her tongue and across her chin. His aim was far better than it had been the first time, none of it landing near her eyes. She put on a show, swallowing his oozy liquid before sticking her tongue back out and showing it was gone. There was a smile on his face as he patted her cheek softly.

She was silent for a moment, unsure of what she should say as she found herself laying back against her sheets. She winced, her comforter feeling rough against her sore bottom from where his hand had been, “You know how to convince a girl.” She breathed out slowly, watching how his blue eyes turned towards her amused. He stood up.

“I’ll be back in a second. Don’t go far.” Billy teased her, knowing full well that she would have to crawl out of this room if she was expected to go anywhere. Her legs were still shaking and it felt good to stretch out far. Billy returned in a second, carrying a washcloth. She wondered how many they had gone through and how many it would take before her mother or Neil questioned why they were always dirty.

“I could’ve just showered,” She smiled softly, her legs trembling as he cleaned her up slowly. He was gentle around her clit and she appreciated that, “It stings a little bit.” She admitted as she bit down on her bottom lip. He nodded in agreement. 

“I figured. Are your wrists okay?” Billy looked up suddenly, looking worried. She held them up quickly, showing off her still pale skin and wiggling them in circles to prove that they still worked.  He laughed and shook his head but she could see a sense of relief cross his features. He kissed the side of her knee and she felt it travel straight towards her heart. 

“Feels fine,” She proclaimed proudly, wincing at the feeling of the rough rag dragging along her sore pussy, “Actually it felt really good.” She giggled again, liking the way his lips curved into a smile. The more she spoke to him like this the more curious she grew. There were so many things she wanted to ask him that she was too afraid to ask. She felt that despite him looking so carefree at the moment he still had his walls tightly locked and guarded. 

He was taking his time, being a lot more gentle than usual. He always helped to clean her but this felt different. She sighed softly, enjoying the way his lips traced against her soft skin. She found it easier to focus on his lips rather than the rough rag that was between her legs. He glanced up at her through his thick eyelashes. She felt as if she was in a trance with the way he held her eye contact. 

“That wasn’t too much, was it?” He seemed unsure as he spoke, looking up at her almost as if he was worried. She bit her lip, shaking her head no as she felt a warm feeling growing within her chest. She wasn’t sure if she was allowed to explain that she liked it when he treated her so roughly. He was always kind to her afterwards. 

“It was nice,” She responded instead, liking the way his blue eyes seemed to grow amused. He peppered another kiss along her knee, dipping low between her thighs, “Billy.” She warned, still feeling overstimulated from the orgasms he had given her today. Not to mention that she knew Neil and her mother would be back soon. She supposed it would be anytime.

“Later then,” He promised, looking a bit devious as he gently laid her legs down, “Are you going to be able to sit at the table?” Billy seemed a bit pleased with his question and she was sure that he would love nothing more than to watch her sitting uncomfortably at the table. He discarded the rag randomly and she felt her eyebrows furrowing as she told herself to remember to pick it up later.

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure I’m still able to sit,” She giggled softly when he plopped down next to her. She sat up suddenly, placing her hands up on his chest as she looked over his shoulder, “You knocked him off!” She protested. He looked at her bewildered, his eyebrows nearly touching his forehead.

“Knocked who off?” He looked at her weirdly as if she was referring to another person. She laughed, smacking his chest softly as she pointed to the corner of the room where her poor stuffed cow had been discarded, “Shit, at least he didn’t get come on him.” He smirked at her. She stared at him horrified, pulling her hands over her face in embarrassment. 

“You’re terrible,” She told him simply as she shook her head, trying to wipe her embarrassment away, “That poor cow is probably traumatized already.” She couldn’t help but giggle as she thought about it. Billy smiled softly, rubbing her side softly. She suddenly wondered if he had ever been able to experience the joy of having a stuffed animal. Maybe when he was very young, when he was still with his mother. She couldn’t imagine that Neil would allow his son to play with them. She wondered if he was even allowed to have a childhood or if he was always supposed to act as if he was grown. 

“I think that you think too much,” She felt goosebumps forming on her skin as Billy traced a finger around one of her nipples. She gulped as she felt her bud harden in response. She was much too sore between her legs to do anything else, “That’s why you got so worried with Hopper.” She exhaled, knowing he was right. At the same time, she was sure Hopper had spotted something between them.

“Maybe you don’t think enough.” She told him, watching as his eyes looked back up towards her and away from her chest. She felt her cheeks heating up a bit, hoping he didn’t take that the wrong way. He just never seemed to care about what other people thought. He was his own person and would act however he wanted and not care if others thought badly about that.

“I like to think with my dick,” He teased instead, pinching her nipple softly and earning a yelp from her. She whined softly in surprise, the throbbing between her legs almost ached from how sore she was, “You just need to not care about what people think.” He told her simply as he moved his hand away. She stared up at him, wondering how someone got to that point in their lives. 

“This is wrong though,” She whispered out, almost sheepishly, “You’re supposed to be my brother. This isn’t the stuff that we should be doing.” She admitted, feeling the words rush off of her tongue before she could stop them. Perhaps part of her was still guilt ridden and filled with shame. 

“If it’s wrong then why does it feel so good?” He asked her, turning on his side and resting his head on his hand as he spoke, “We’re not related. If our parents weren’t married it wouldn’t mean anything. I don’t think this should matter.” He rubbed her cheek gently as he explained his thoughts. She thought about it for a moment. 

“It does feel good,” She admitted shyly as she played with her fingers. She was sure he already knew that though, “I’m just afraid that something bad will happen.” He tucked her hair behind her ear, beating her too it as he stared at her.

“You’re just not used to having bad shit happen to you,” Billy admitted, being totally honest as he spoke, “Just don’t worry about it. If we were suspicious someone would’ve said something by now.” She really thought about arguing about how she had seen the way Hopper’s eyes had turned questioning but decided against it. She listened to his words, trying to relax against him again.

“Why did Hopper let you off so easily?” Kim asked suddenly, turning to face him again. Billy’s expression hardened as he turned away from her. She realized she had asked the wrong thing as she was once again kicked out. She bit her lip, realizing it may have had something to do with Neil. She leaned forward and kissed his cheek, letting her lips linger for a moment before pulling away. She wasn’t sure what else she could say to comfort him. 

“You know, if you really want to stop this we can.” Billy spoke seriously as he faced her again. She recognized the change in tone, how defensive he was suddenly. She had struck a nerve and now he was ready to retaliate. She watched the sunlight hit his blue eyes and she felt herself growing lost in them. She searched for a moment, looking for the right words to speak before she nodded in agreement.

“I know. I don’t want to.” She told him truthfully. She knew she didn’t want to stop earlier either, she was just so panicked that it seemed to be the best option. He flicked his tongue across his bottom lip. She wondered if she could tell him that he could stop whenever he wanted to as well. She hoped that he knew that. 

The sound of Neil’s car pulling into the drew them away from each other. Billy rolled out of bed first, quickly pulling on his discarded clothes. Kim followed behind shortly, her legs still feeling wobbly and weak as she stood on her feet. Billy looped his belt through his jeans, grinning as he watched her. She rolled her eyes as she quickly adjusted her clothes, checking in her mirror to make sure she didn’t look like a total wreck. She looked at her reflection, doing her best to fix the smudged makeup and willing her flushed cheeks to relax. 

“Hey,” Billy appeared behind her in the mirror just as Kim heard footsteps on the wooden porch. She stared into his blue eyes, admiring the way his hair was swept over his forehead.Her heart was hammering hard in her chest but she wasn’t sure why, “Everything’s going to be okay. I promise.” He pressed a soft kiss to the corner of her lips and she felt her whole mouth ignite into flames. She watched how his eyes were closed and felt herself admiring his thick eyelashes and the soft curve of his nose. He pulled away, giving her one last smile before he was retreating back to his room. Just as his door shut, the backdoor to the porch was open.

She took one last look in the mirror, noticing how her face had somehow managed to grow more pink before she stepped out to assist the couple bringing in groceries. Susan’s face lit up in a smile as she handed her eldest daughter a few of the brown bags, “It was so busy in town,” Her mom started to speak as they made their way to the kitchen to begin unloading, “I thought that maybe we could make those stuffed shells I was telling you about.” Kim nodded, beginning to hand her mother the cold ingredients that belonged in the fridge. The tension in the room changed when Neil entered and slammed his bags down on the island. Both of the girls jumped, and Kim felt herself growing defensive as he made his way towards Billy’s room.

“I was wondering if you could set up a doctor’s appointment for me?” Kim asked her mother, still keeping an eye out towards Billy’s room. She felt a great deal of anxiety rising in front of her and she wondered if Hopper had spoken to Neil about something, “I can go on my own. I just don’t know how to make it.” Kim added quickly, glancing towards her mother again. She didn’t want her to figure out what it was for.

“Sure, is everything okay?” Susan looked worried as she approached her again. Kim shrugged, trying to brush her answer off, “Oh is this about that boy you like? Kimberly, are you having sex?” Kim felt her body burn from the top of her scalp and all the way down to her toes. She sputtered, shoving a box of mac and cheese into the pantry.

“No, no,” Kim drew the O out a bit too long as she focused on organizing the boxes in the pantry instead of her mother’s concerned expression. She did not want to have this conversation with her, “It’s just other issues with my period.” Kim fumbled to pull her hair out of her face as she thought of an excuse. She closed the pantry door, looking towards her mother’s worried face.

“Are you late?” Susan whispered so quietly as she stepped across the kitchen island and turned the radio on. Kim was glad that she recognized that this was not a conversation that Neil should be listening to. She shook her head stiffly, knowing she was due for her period any day. They had been careful.

“No,” Kim’s face was still burning as she stepped back towards the counter, knowing her cover had been blown. She fiddled with the kitchen towel, “I just want to be safe.” She mumbled, not wanting to look at her mom’s expression. She was glad she at least wasn’t flipping out at the moment. She had thought previously that this conversation would go a lot worse.

“I don’t necessarily like that you’re doing it,” Susan emphasized the word as she leant against the counter by Kim. Her arm brushed against Kim’s but she didn’t pull away, “I’ll set you up an appointment but please make sure you continue to use condoms. You don’t want some terrible disease. You’re still young, you’re still my baby.” Susan teased as she wrapped her arms around Kim’s waist and held her motherly. Kim grumbled, face still burning as she relaxed against her mother’s hold. Kim had long grown taller than her mother for some time now but she still felt like a little kid as her mother held her in her arms. 

“Thank you.” Kim mumbled, trying not to think about how Neil had been gone in Billy’s room for far too long. It was making her nervous again. Susan kissed her cheek, standing on her tippy toes before she pulled away.

“You know you can come to me for stuff like that. I won’t get mad, well not at first,” Susan added as she glanced at the younger redhead. She started to pull out mixing bowls to get ready for dinner, “You don’t have to ask Billy for advice.” His name stunned Kim as she stared at her mother unsure for a moment.

“What do you mean?” She asked cautiously, trying to relax herself so she didn’t give herself away this time. Susan shrugged as she began to dig through her recipe box. It had been Susan’s grandmothers, Kim could remember that. Apparently she had been an excellent cook but that gene had skipped her mother, as Susan would joke about. Still, she tried. She never had much time when they were younger as she worked doubles at the hospitals. Now, she had a desk job that involved managing appointments at a pediatricians office. 

“The other day when you and Billy were talking so secretively,” Susan responded casually as she read over the small print on the notecards, “I figured it had to be about something that you didn’t want us to know and then Maxine brought up that boy you like.” Susan smiled warmly towards her and Kim fought the urge to vomit all over the floor. She had picked up on more than what Kim thought that she had. She felt dumb but at least they hadn’t been caught. Again.

“Yeah,” Kim was trying not to fidget nervously, “I’ll talk to you from now on.” Kim promised her, knowing she wouldn’t keep it. She knew that her mom didn’t seem to be the biggest fan of Billy, even though he was just a product of his environment. She wondered if her mom could’ve helped him had she actually tried to defend him. Susan nodded, glancing over her shoulder at the sound of the door opening again. Neil’s footsteps echoed in the hallway as the two girls settled into silence. Kim suddenly wished she was still wrapped up and hidden in her mother’s arms.

Neil didn’t even glance towards them as he made his way towards the living room. Kim was frozen for a moment, wanting nothing more than to go and check on Billy. Her mother was already suspicious and she didn’t want to give her another reason to be watching them. It didn’t take long for Billy to follow his father’s footsteps. He narrowly avoided her eyes as he stepped towards the fridge and pulled two beers out. She did her best to make sure that he had no new bruises or red marks as quickly as she could. There was nothing out of the ordinary in her opinion and she felt pleased but also concerned about what they had been speaking of. He glanced at her again, looking rather calm as he joined his father in the living room.

Susan passed the box of noodles towards Kim, “Could you start on this?” She asked her, squinting at the paper in her hands. Kim nodded as she reached under the cabinet for one of the pots underneath and thought about mentioning to her mother how she should get her eyes checked out for glasses. The doorbell rang as she started to fill the pot with water. Susan sighed and sat the piece of paper down.

“Can you get the noodles started?” Her mother asked as she walked around her. Kim had already been planning to do so but nodded regardless. She thought about maybe getting a head start on the rest of it as well so maybe it wouldn’t taste quite so bad. She worked for a moment, struggling a bit to read over the cursive handwriting. Suddenly, she understood why her mom had been squinting. 

“Kimberly,” Susan appeared in the doorway, a bright smile on her face. She was beaming as if she had just won an award. Kim looked towards her confused, “There’s a boy at the door for you.” Billy’s eyes snapped up towards her from his spot on the couch so quickly she felt them cut straight into her chest. She felt her whole face catch on fire, unsure of how she was supposed to react. Her mom made her way back into the kitchen, looking quite proud of herself as she took the bowl from Kim’s hands.

“A boy?” She squeaked out, not liking the way Billy was watching her. Neil’s eyes had moved from his newspaper, glancing over towards her as well, “Okay.” She stood and felt very awkward as their eyes followed her. She wasn’t sure who it would be or why they would be coming to see her. For a moment she wondered if it was Steve but then she quickly dismissed that idea. He had made it clear that he wasn’t interested. 

She walked down the hallway, trying to ignore her mothers footsteps that followed her. Kim opened the door unsure, her eyes turning to saucers as she stared at the freckled boy standing inside of her porch. She quickly pulled the door shut as quickly as she could, hoping and praying that no one could see him.

“Tommy?” She laughed nervously, the door pressing into her shoulder from how tightly she was trying to hide him from any lurking eyes. Tommy’s brown eyes turned golden from how the sun hit them. He smiled widely, looking as if he had just been told all of his wildest dreams would come true.

“Hi.” Tommy’s freckled cheeks were red and she was unsure if it was from being out in the hot sun or if he was just as embarrassed as she was. She hadn’t seen him since the night at Lover’s Lake and really wasn’t sure if she wanted to see him. He clearly had no issue forgiving his friends' grotesque behavior. Meanwhile, Billy had made it clear to them that he wouldn’t stand for those actions. She wasn’t sure if Tommy was really as nice as what she had previously thought. 

“Hey, uh hi,” Kim spit out nervously, gulping nervously when she noticed the bouquet of red roses in his hands. She could feel her hands growing sweaty from her nerves. She had never had a boy bring her flowers before. She had never had a boy be interested in her before. She had absolutely no idea what she was supposed to do in this situation, “What’s going on?”

“I brought you these,” Tommy pushed them towards her chest, almost in a forceful motion as she hadn’t found the strength to take a hold of them yet. She stared at the red roses for a moment, almost finding the urge to tell him that she didn’t like roses very well. She took them slowly, an awkward grin playing over her features as she had no idea how to explain this to anyone, “I’m glad that you’re here. I tried to call.” She felt her eyebrows raising, confirming her suspicions about him calling the house the other day. He must’ve played it off well enough with Billy.

“Thank you,” She sputtered, quickly glancing over her shoulder to make sure that no one had appeared behind her. She had dreamt about someone bringing her flowers before but she never thought it would go like this, “Um, yeah. My mom thought you were trying to call Billy.” She tucked her hair behind her ear, not wanting to look at the freckled boy in case he could see through her bluff. She didn’t want to be rude. The one boy that was actually paying her attention and she had no interest in him. It sounded like her luck.

“I figured that out,” Tommy chuckled, stepping closer towards her but Kim didn’t budge with the door. There was no way she was going to let him inside this house with Billy and Neil inside. She could only imagine what their reactions would be, “I wanted to ask you out.” The words left Kim feeling sick.

“I just,” She started slowly, fearing how he would react when she told him her excuse. She was so afraid to upset him but she and Billy had made a deal. She wasn’t going to be the one to mess that up, “I don’t like your friends. I don’t know if it would work out between us.” She tried not to make a face but she could still picture Chrissy’s expression from the previous day. She couldn’t imagine the tension if she showed up on Tommy’s arm. She couldn’t subject herself to that. Still, she felt an overbearing amount of guilt flood inside of her when she looked upon his crestfallen face.

“Look, I know I should’ve said something the other day. It’s just hard when-” Max appeared, walking up the steps behind Tommy and looking confused as she glanced between him and the roses held stiffly in Kim’s hand. Kim looked to her younger sister for help, hoping she would drag her out of this situation. 

“Cool!” Max pulled a rose out of Kim’s hand, observing it like she hadn’t ever seen one before. Tommy glanced between the two of them awkwardly, obviously looking like he wanted more time to convince Kim to go out with him, “Can I keep this one?” Max looked a bit too eager and Kim nodded unsure of how the other boy would handle her giving a flower away. She finally let the door fully open, realizing she was blocking the shorter girl from entering. 

“Is that a no to dinner then?” Tommy questioned her, still looking a bit hopeful. She recognized the look. It mirrored how she had been looking at Steve. Max passed her, walking slowly and Kim was sure she was trying to eavesdrop.

“Not now. I’m sorry Tommy, I really am. I’m still a bit freaked out over what happened and I don’t know if I could trust them again,” She explained, starting to hold the roses back out towards him. He shook his head while holding his hand up to stop her actions. She wavered, still feeling awkward for taking them, “I’m really sorry.” She repeated, feeling nauseous as she worried about how she would hurt his feelings. She didn’t want to seem like she was being mean.

“No hard feelings,” He smiled kindly, recovering from his loss quickly, “Just don’t lose my number okay? You might change your mind.” Kim nodded kindly, pretending like she was agreeing with him. Tommy seemed too messy for her to get involved with. She didn’t want to risk having any more drama in her life than what she needed. She didn’t know how he had the guts to come to her house and possibly face Billy after what Billy had done to Jason.

“Sure, I’ll see you around.” She responded as sweetly as she could manage. She shut the door behind him, breathing in deeply and trying to calm her nerves. She lingered for a minute, not wanting to face the other people in the house. Nothing like this had happened to her before and she didn’t like the attention that it would bring. She stared at the flowers in her hand, wishing there was a way to rid them before she walked back towards the kitchen. She moved her feet slowly, cursing Tommy for thinking it would be okay to show up on her doorstep. 

Neil was waiting for her in the doorway when she appeared again, noticing how his hands rested firmly against the counter. Her eyes darted towards her mother, noticing how her gleeful expression had turned almost remorseful. Billy and Max were on the couch, both of their heads down low and staring ahead. Kim shifted uncomfortably, unsure of what to do.

“Who was he?” Neil finally asked, inhaling whatever kindness that had lingered in the atmosphere deep in his chest. She started to pop her knuckles but quickly stopped, knowing how much that irritated him. She felt very small suddenly, “Did you hear me?” His tone was less patient than before as he stared at her, waiting for an answer.

“Tommy,” Kim spit out quickly, knowing there was no way of hiding his name. She wasn’t used to him looking this angry at her. She watched her mom shift on her feet as she tried to make her way closer towards her daughter, “He’s one of Billy’s friends. Um, he was just being nice.” She motioned towards the roses as she tried not to fiddle with her hands. She tried not to glance at Billy, hoping he wasn’t angry with her. She wanted to explain to him that she didn’t know that Tommy would show up. She hoped he understood that. 

“Is that the boy you’ve been whoring yourself out to when you sneak out?” Neil replied through gritted teeth. Kim felt herself wilting as she shook her head, trying to defend herself, “Don’t fucking lie.” Neil snapped again and Kim had never felt so bad about herself before. She nodded her head quickly, her throat burning too badly to answer. She knew if she spoke she’d cry and that would just make everything worse. She hadn’t realized that Neil knew she’d been leaving her room.

“Neil,” Susan sighed as she walked around the counter, looking nervous herself as she stood next to her daughter, “It’s fine. We’ve talked about it and she’s not doing anything bad.” Susan added quickly. Her words only seemed to make Neil even more upset. He took a large step towards them and Billy was up in a flash, making his way around the couch.

“It was my fault,” He spoke quickly, looking nervous as his blue eyes stared at Kim, “I made her sneak out. All she does is sit in that room and read, I thought she should do something fun for once. I’ll tell Tommy to back off, I didn’t realize what he was doing.” Billy’s words were rushed as he spoke, he was slowly moving towards them like he was unsure of how Neil would react. Kim thought about reaching out for him. Max had almost completely sunk into the couch, her blue eyes looking up fearful. 

“Is that true?” Neil didn’t bother facing his son, only continuing to stare at Kim. She felt her mouth go dry. She had left on her own accord each night, Billy had nothing to do with it. Tommy wasn’t her fault though. She couldn’t control that the other boy liked her, “Are you fucking dumb?” Neil stepped forward again and Billy was there in an instant, standing out next to his father with his arm pressed in front of his chest. Susan stiffened next to her as Billy shot her a look. She stared for a moment, not wanting to throw him under the bus as he kept encouraging her with his eyes to say something.

“Yes,” She whispered so quietly, wincing as she realized she answered his other question as well, “It’s true.” She bit her lip so hard she thought she may draw blood. Neil gripped Billy’s wrist so tightly and hard, twisting it and making the younger boy hiss out in pain. Neil took Billy’s slight second of vulnerability to punch him in the nose, knocking him across the floor. Kim stared in horror, feeling guilt sweeping in her stomach as she looked down at the blonde boy and the blood that was pooling from his nose. 

“You ever,” Neil was inches away from her face, his lips curled in disgust and eyes twinkling in anger. He raised a hand to her face, “Talk to that fucking boy again and I’ll bend you over and give you the whipping you deserve, do you understand?” Kim nodded quickly, trying not to stumble away in fear as she felt the tears burning in the back of her throat.

“Neil!” Susan criticized as she stepped between them, “We’ve talked about this, you can’t-” Susan stopped speaking, looking as if she had seen a ghost when Neil’s fist was raised and clenched again. He lowered it slowly, chewing on his bottom lip like he had realized what he had done. Billy was grunting from the floor, slowly sitting up on his hands as his shirt collected the blood from his nose. Kim wanted nothing more than to crawl towards him, to clean him up and promise that everything had been okay. Their driving lesson seemed so far away, like it had been a different life time. 

“Go to your room,” Neil responded, his voice sounding more calm as he approached Kim, “Think about what you’ve done,” He turned to Billy, kicking his hands out from under him and making the boy land on the ground with a hard thud. Kim winced, noticing how Billy was rubbing his chin, “You ever touch me again boy and I’ll break your arm.” Kim felt sick as she thought about their conversation the other day and Neil confirmed exactly why Billy had faced broken bones before. Susan nudged her gently, pushing the shaking girl towards the hallway. Kim picked up her feet softly, heading towards her room with a tight grip around the roses. The thorns were digging into her skin but she didn’t care. 

She shut the door behind her softly, resting the roses near her pillowcase for a moment as she sat on her bed. Her bed was still warm from where Billy had laid and she felt an enormous amount of guilt inside of her. She shouldn’t have agreed to sell him out. It was dumb, it was selfish. She fought the urge to cry, not wanting to seem like such a child. The TV started to blare, letting Kim know that Neil had probably turned on one of his westerns he adored so much. She hated him.

Billy appeared a few minutes later, drawing her out of her thoughts of staring at the floor and thinking of the different designs the random lines made. He was holding a towel in his hand, his blood beginning to dry down his chin and neck, “Can I join you?” He didn’t ask for help but she knew what he meant. She hurriedly grabbed the pink box she had tucked away before letting him sit on the bed next to her. 

“Billy,” She whispered out hoarsely, feeling the tears beginning to form as she looked at his bloody face. His eyes stared down at the box in her hands, refusing to look at her, “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.” He shook his head no, wincing as she began to dab the wet towel against his nose to draw the blood up.

“Fuck that. I wasn’t going to let him put his hands on you. You didn’t do anything wrong,” He convinced her, wrapping his large hands gently around her wrists to stop her movements. She faltered, looking into his soft blue eyes, “Don’t look at me like that.” He told her seriously and she blinked at him.

“How am I looking at you?” She wasn’t sure if he was trying to change the conversation but if he was, it worked. She continued to wipe the blood away from his face. She wondered if she should mention that her mom knew that they had been talking, that she was suspicious as well. She suddenly didn’t care if her mom knew that they were sitting together at this moment. 

“Tommy got you roses.” Billy observed, once again changing the topic. Kim sighed softly, trying not to let it bother her. She frowned, really hoping he wouldn’t be upset. She wasn’t sure what she had done to gain Tommy’s attention. She was too scared to ever call him now. She started to grow bitter, realizing he’d never know what he had done. 

“They’re nice,” She responded, looking at the bright red color that the petals possessed, “They’re just not my favorite. My favorites are-“

“Carnations,” Billy finished, his blue eyes snapping up towards hers, “You used to grow them in San Diego, outside your window.”  She opened her mouth but couldn’t find the words to say. It was silent for a moment and he looked at her, almost nervous before turning to stare down at his bruised knuckles. She started to work on his face again, ignoring the odd sensation that was growing within her chest. 

“Yeah, yeah you’re right,” She tucked her hair between her ear, wondering what else Billy knew about her that she was unaware of. She had gone so long thinking that they were just strangers stuck in the same house. She didn’t realize that he had actually paid attention to any of that, “They’re my favorite.” Kim felt her lips curling into a smile before she could think anything else of it. A sudden giddiness filling inside of her chest that matched the beat of her heart. She didn’t understand the sudden warmth that filled her despite everything that just happened. Having him be this close to her made her never want to leave him, despite the trouble they could get into. 

Next Chapter

[fierceawakening]

ceanothusspinosus Oh! I did not at all mean to imply that competing access needs are necessarily solvable. They really truly may not be, and when that clash prevents a good relationship, it sucks. It also takes skill and practice to sort out what your own needs _are_ and it sounds like she is… not good at that. Possibly not interested in becoming good at that. Possibly ashamed to look at it too closely and see where she can and can’t compromise. Who knows. At some point it doesn’t matter for your purposes. :/

ceanothusspinosus I think that the existence of ableism provides a lot of context and imposes a lot of constraints on the whole situation. I imagine that in a less ableist world she’d maybe have different expectations of you and tbh of herself. But it’s not ableist to notice that different people have different abilities, and in your situation it makes sense that you’re really sensitive to concepts like expectations around “ability” used without failsafes.

ceanothusspinosus And in ~abusive/very unbalanced situations “ability” and motivation is commonly, idk. Complicated. Unclear. It comes down to “even if the most generous reading is true, I don’t think it’s going to change and I don’t want to live like this.” I’m thinking of you wondering if she’s copying some of your own ND traits/habits - I certainly can’t know from here, that’s definitely not the sort of thing you’re likely to get a straight answer on if so, it _could_ just be her own stuff...

ceanothusspinosus …so where does that leave you? Looking at the situation more carefully while you do your best to be what you consider an ethical person with no obvious answers, unfortunately. :/ And it’s clear you are trying to be careful.

ceanothusspinosus Also btw, thanks for being clear about the kind of answer you wanted.

No problem! I think part of the issue is, like... social justice types of framework, where you taboo certain phrases, really don't port over well when someone is dealing with an abusive situation or a situation that's leaning that way. Like, it's useful when my therapist says something sounds narcissistic not because she can or should diagnose anyone who isn't me (and I don't take her to be doing that), but because we have a somewhat shared understanding of the word. She's telling me she thinks that behavior is unfair, and the sort of unfair that stays that way and you don't fix with a clarifying conversation, because the kind of person who is often unfair in that way is the kind of person who isn't psychologically ready to have that clarifying conversation and is going to lash out.

It's the same way (and the same situation, I think, painted different colors) I eventually decided I felt about gendered slurs. No, I don't technically HAVE to call my abusive ex a bitch, and I actually wouldn't see much use in calling her that now. But at the time, when I was angry and hurt? Trying to police my own ways of thinking about what was happening were what got me stuck in the being abused in the first place. It was only once I could trust that I wasn't revealing some deep evil going "fuck that bitch" that I could get the distance I needed to rethink whether that was a phrase I wanted to use once the experiences were sufficiently behind me.

Which is I think the problem with a lot of those posts, especially online, that exhort people not to use certain terms to analyze the behavior of someone mistreating them. What that comes across like to the person trying to understand what the fuck happened is "you're mean for processing this in your mind, and if you want to do that you need to choose from the approved tools."

Which I think is why those posts got my goat so much. (I hope they wouldn't as much now that I've thought through this, but they might still bug me, I can't promise the berserk button is totally deactivated.) Survivors need space to be mean and aggro and messy, and just because we feel it this second doesn't mean we endorse it forever. People who are injured scream. This does not mean screaming is appropriate behavior most of the time. It means that it's normal when someone is injured.

Like with my ex. Reading books on BPD actually helped a lot! Not because I came out of it thinking "all people who have that are abusive;" I can think of several friends current and former who I don't think are abusive and who I certainly don't think would ever do the things she did that traumatized me. But because a long careful description of behaviors and psychic distortions helped impose some order on what I experienced as a maelstrom of desire and need and rage and hate.

I'm not even sure I'm going to come out of this thinking narcissism is the problem. I might even decide I think she's neurotypical when all is said and done, I don't know. But I need to be able to shut the social justice framing down at least long enough to sort out what I need, why what I have is not that, and whether (as my therapist has also said) the right thing for me is no contact or less contact.

And in order to sort that out, I need to be able to try on ideas like "No one cares that you're disabled. I care that you don't stop, whether that's won't or can't."

I can sort out whether that's too harsh *later*, when I know my own decisions and their results better than now.

Does that make sense?

[unkownheartandmind]

It’s been a long time since I’ve been on here and so much has happened in the last few years. I’ve had so much time to think about a lot. I had time to heal and to self analyze with a lot. I’ve been alone for two and a half years now and it made me realize a lot. Or maybe it’s my depression along with the autism kicking in either way.

I lost so much that I wasn’t expecting to lose, I lost my car, my home, my mom, one of my brothers, a childhood friend that was so much like a sister to me, I almost lost my youngest son. I’ve been put through the wringer and I don’t say that for sympathy’s sake, just stating fact. I grew up alone having to raise my younger brother, taking care of my mom who was sick and an addict and extremely abusive along with a step father who was even more abusive. I saved money in my teen years to get my family out of the desert shack we lived in to get us into town despite everything they put me through and to this day they still haven’t acknowledged this.

I gave up the last of everything I had for a woman that I thought was amazing but turns out she didn’t like that I wanted to be cooperative with my children’s mother for the sake of the kids. I had two friends manipulate that relationship filling that woman’s head with so many doubts and ideas that she ultimately gave me an ultimatum of choosing between cutting out my children’s mother and not seeing them or her. I chose the kids and their mother and I’ve not regretted my decision and there’s a reason for that.

Even after everything we went through, after so many things that after sitting with myself and getting on my own nerves and self reflecting I finally came to the realization that I fucked up everything. I could have treated her so so much better than I did. We did bad things to each other but it’d be a stretch saying I didn’t deserve it. In 2019 when everything finally came to an end, I broke what was left of my heart and lied my ass off telling her that I didn’t love her anymore because I thought she didn’t want me anymore and that wasn’t the case.

To this day after all the thinking I’ve done and all the reflecting I’ve done I wish I could go back and do things so much better, handled things better, been there for her more. A coworker asked me a while ago if she were to come to me and say she wanted to try to work things out again would you do it as a hypothetical and I can honestly say I think I would. I know she wouldn’t because she finally has everything she ever wanted and I’m so happy for her I truly am, it’s all I ever wanted was for her and the kids to be happy. But if I could have one more chance with that goddess of chaos again I would do everything in my power to do things right. I was so young and brought toxic traits with me into our relationship and she did a little too but I’m the one that left. She’s always been so intelligent and hard driven to achieve what she wants, she’s so funny and an incredible mother and I don’t think I ever told her that, at least as much as I should have. But if I’m being honest she’s probably treated me the best out of anybody I’ve ever been with, at least she left me the apartment when we separated so I wouldn’t be homeless and could see our kids. But she was the only one who ever told me this (and to this day I still don’t know if she meat this or if she’d remember this) we were in the shower one day and I had to ask her “how did I end up with someone as gorgeous and as amazing as you? And I’ll always remember this, she put her hands on my face and forced me to look her in the eye and told me “I feel safe and secure with you and you’re an amazing dad to my son and you will be to our next one when he’s born”. I’ve never forgotten that and it’s always stuck with me. I never stopped loving her or the kids, and I don’t think I ever will, and I honestly feel that’s why I’ve chosen to stay single because if someone is going to make me choose over my kids than what’s to stop someone else from doing it again. I rather be there for my kids and if I have to be for her to and she’ll never know any of this but that’s ok, she doesn’t need to. I’m so sorry for how things got between us but at least they’ve gotten better lately. I just hope you don’t hate me forever. And I’m sorry that I couldn’t give you everything you wanted and that I promised, and I’m sorry that I couldn’t be how I am now back then after all the changes I’ve made. I really hope in full sincerity that you’re happy. And on a side note, with dark eyeliner and the right shade of lipstick she looks like the actress Eva Green.

In all reality, I know that if I were to talk to her, she probably wouldn’t want to hear me out. I did so much damage that I know she doesn’t trust me, if anything I’d probably hurt her more by bringing any of it up or even trying to give an apology. I wish we could sit down and just talk, we started off as such good friends and evolved into something more, I chose her as the one I wanted to have a family with, my ex wanted kids with me but it just didn’t feel right, I wouldn’t have been able to give the time and attention my boys deserve, hell I can barely do that now. I honestly feel like such a failure and don’t want to be here anymore some days. But knowing that I could get that phone/ video call from my kids at any given moment makes it worth it and even though I don’t get to see them as often as I wish I could it’s still worth it to see them and in a way it’s worth it to see her too. Maybe one day I’ll get the chance to tell her everything I want to as a deathbed confession at least. Tell her how much I miss sleeping next to her at night, giving her a kiss on the forehead before work every morning as she still slept, all the fun times we had together, all the hardships we overcame together, having time as a real family together, just all of us against the world. Madmen dream the loudest and my dreams are loud every night.

[wednak]

A Message for Weddud

Dear Weddud,

My god have I mulled over this, trying to figure out what to say, how to behave or whether or not to just let it all go. The truth is that regardless of how hard I’ve been trying, I don’t have any answers.

I’ve spent so many hours trying to reflect and analyze so I could come to a place where I feel like I know the right path of thought or of action, with any sense of surety or finality. And at the end of it all, what I keep coming back to is that I do not know. Maybe it’s okay to not know and maybe that is an answer in itself but either way those are not the reason I am writing this today.

Because one thing that I do know is that every time I said I cared more about your well-being than my ego and selfish desire to have you in my life, I truly meant it.

There was a time when I thought that meant I had to let you reap the natural consequences of your actions. So that maybe you could have the same aha moment I did one day and break free of your trauma in way similar to how I did. I still kinda think that in a way. But not entirely.

I remember one of the things I thought over and over again last year was “If he cared about me as much as he does his gym goals, he wouldn’t be acting this way.” I thought that if you couldn’t care about keeping me in your life with the same dedication and commitment that you had for achieving your PRs then you didn’t care about me enough to deserve having me. And so I very intentionally decided to take a step back and instead let you show me where we stood.

But one of the few things that I actually have come to realize is that maybe you physically can’t care about me or anyone else the same way you care about the gym for example. The gym is your safe space, your place of refuge, the thing that kept you alive and pulled you out of the darkness that threatened to overtake you, maybe even still does. The gym has never hurt and scarred you, the same way people have. You can control the gym, trust it and be it’s master. Of course you wouldn’t be able to do this with people. People are the very thing that caused your trauma in the first place so of course you wouldn’t be able to care about and trust them in the same way, even if you really wanted to.

So I shouldn’t be able to blame you or be resentful for something that you did not choose out of your own accord. None of the things that have happened to you and have shaped who you are today are things that you chose to experience.

I went into writing this with the intention of not making any assumptions about you and then I’ve just gone ahead and made a whole lot of assumptions. But I’ve thought about it for a bit and I think that perhaps, after everything we’ve been through, I might be “entitled” to make at at least a couple. They could very well be wrong anyway, I’m not naive enough to think I understand you to any degree of accuracy, especially now, but I do hope when you get to the end of this, you’ll understand why I’ve decided to make them and that there is a purposeful intention behind everything I‘m saying.

I know deep down behind that avoidant and cold facade of yours, there is someone who was abandoned and disregarded and ridiculed over and over again, to the point where you’ve become lost and trapped in a wrongful self-perception that never should have been yours in the first place. A deeply-engrained and self-perpetuating cycle of self-sabotage and stuckness that keeps you misaligned on such a fundamental level.

I’ve thought long and hard about what the point of writing this is and how to make it all sound like it isn‘t just platitudes. I think maybe the point of it is this: It doesn’t have to be like this EG. You can break out of the cycle of constantly running away from your ghosts, feeling like you can never slow down and everything you hold dear always seems to be slipping through your fingers. Life doesn’t have to be so heavy that you only find refuge in the gym or in reckless, dangerous and self-sabotaging behavior. You don‘t have to be so numb that the only time you feel alive is when you‘re going too fast on your motorbike. Life can be processed and dealt with and FELT without having the pain overcome you. It can be tragic in all its entirety but also beautiful and magical. You aren’t doomed to some fate just because of your genetics, your childhood, a diagnosis or the decisions you’ve made since. And you never have been. You can find the light again and feel the meaning and grace in experiencing a life that encompasses ALL the emotions, not just the good ones.

But the truth is, you have to be willing to make that change and work for it. I won’t ever be able to pull you out of it with my care and my patience and my understanding, regardless of how badly I may have wanted to try. Nor will anybody else. You can’t drown it out of existence or rationalize it away. And it won’t eventually go away just because you’ve “gotten it out of your system”. It’s not just a phase or a habit that can be broken. Trauma is real, every part of it. It is deep and all-encompassing and it is not something that anyone chooses to experience or even to perpetuate. And it’s not something anybody should ever be ashamed of. It’s like the devil that possesses the best of us and is nearly impossible to shake. I understand that it might be the scariest thing to even just think about facing the darkness that once threatened to engulf you.

But it can be faced. And it can be shaken.

I’m not gonna sit here and lecture you about how all of it can just go away and you’ll live happily ever after. It’ll never go away completely. But trauma CAN be healed enough in order to get to a place where you can control it, not have it control you.

I’ve experienced it myself and I’ve seen countless stories of people doing it. Change is possible if you give yourself the chance to actually pursue it and not just put it off by saying “behavior change takes time”.

I made you a promise once that regardless of what you and I did to sabotage and destroy our presence in each other’s lives, I would never abandon you the way everyone else has. Now I don’t mean that in the romantic sense because quite frankly, I could write 5 of these essays and still not have come any closer to making any sort of conclusion as to our compatibility and dysfunction. After everything we’ve been through there is so much of our own shared trauma that we’ve created that it would take significant effort on both our parts to work through it together. And that isn’t the topic of this essay anyway nor is it reason I’m finally writing. Because your priority needs to be you, and only you. Not self-prioritization masked as continuing self-sabotage and self-abandonment. Real prioritization because you too, deserve to break free from the life you think you are doomed to live.

Like I said before, I started writing the essay saying I wasn’t going to speculate on your experiences or make any assumptions. I realized halfway through that I am most definitely making many of those. I am making assumptions based on the years of having known you. I am making assumptions based on having watched you play the part of tortured soul for so long and default to distrust everyone you meet. I have watched you surround yourself with unworthy people that I know you hate, just so you could perpetuate a narrative and belief that insists you also are unworthy. I have seen you say one thing and then do the complete opposite, over and over and over again. Trapped in cycles of wanting and pushing away. Slaving away towards a better future but all the while just running in one spot and never actually moving forward in any meaningful way. I have watched you create the most beautiful mind with an extraordinary value system for yourself over the years, but never have I actually seen you operate your life and make choices based on that value system at all.

Behaviors like this exist for a reason. They are coping mechanisms and trauma reactions that are designed to protect you from pain. But if held on too long, they actually become the chains that bind you and cause more suffering and pain than you ever experienced in the first place. I know you have what it takes to break out of these chains EG. You’re the most determined mf 🐐 I‘ve ever known. You’ve broken every gym goal you’ve ever set for yourself. If you actually tried with the same kind of commitment, you could break this too.

Even if everyone in your life (including you) may have abandoned hope for you, I will never do so because I continue to see who you could become and I’ll spend my life trying to push you to become that person.

Even if everyone and everything in your life is trying to pull you deeper into the dysfunction or to abandon you to it, I’m never gonna give into either of those things. I know what the darkness and the agony and the self-hatred feel like. I’ve swam in those waters for so many years and I understand their allure. How it becomes an addiction to loathe yourself while pretending everything is fine. As with any addiction, your brain tricks you into WANTING to hold onto it and fearing to let it go because for some fucked up reason, the self-loathing feels GOOD.

It has the devil’s name written all over it.

It’s hell on earth.

And there is an entire religion founded on the principles of mastering the devil‘s attempts at possession so that you can learn how to truly be free and experience heaven in all its glory.

So start surrendering yourself to God, not just in your mind but in your actions.

Or look up EMDR. Or Dr. Gabor Mate (!!). Or commit to learning about Weddud the same way you commit to the gym. Don’t hide behind labels and diagnoses as if they were irreversible and start to learn about how every decision you make is a learned coping mechanism that can be unlearned. Stop neglecting yourself with willful ignorance and watch how your entire sense of self starts to transform.

There are many, many things you could do to allow yourself to create the life that you deserve to be living. It doesn’t have to just be religion or just be therapy. It doesn’t matter what you do or where you start as long as you don’t give up.

Everything we have been through has made my heart break in more ways than I ever could have imagined possible when we first met in 2017. But I mean it from the bottom of my beautiful patchwork heart, letting yourself be dragged to hell by the devil and never even trying to fight it, that will break my heart more than any mount of loss or earthly separation ever could.

Interestingly, this essay feels very similar in energy to the last one I wrote on here. But I think what happened then is that even though we might have had the best of intentions, perhaps we both fell back into patterns of using each other as emotional crutches that continue to perpetuate the same cycles. I’m no longer interested in recreating cycles like that. Both of our behavior may be understood in the context of our past but that doesn’t mean they have to be excused.

What I am interested in however, is offering you the support and encouragement that anyone of us may need when embarking on such a journey. Helping you to safety, the way you did me, with real and meaningful actions and accountability, not with meaningless sweet talk about an imagined future that just vanishes from one moment to the next.

If you ever get to the point where you hate yourself so much you cannot continue to bare it; if everything in your life disgusts you to the point that it hurts, if you understand that the only way forward is to actually start to change; or if you ever just need extra support in holding you accountable because you do not trust yourself to do it, please know that I always am (and will continue to be) right here.

And if you are reading all of this and it does not resonate with you right now, that is okay too dear Weddud. Just because it was the right point in my timeline for me to say it, does not mean it needs to be the right time for you to hear it just yet.

I started this off by saying that I do not have any answers to the questions I‘ve been asking myself day in and day out for the last few months. Sometimes I don’t know if I haven’t gone mad. What is the purpose of this bond that I have so blindly stumbled into? This thing that neither of us actually chose to create. Why is it that regardless of all the hurt and the pain and how hard I may try, I cannot escape it? Why has god shackled me to this bond with you? Why won’t he release me from it, even though when we try, we cannot be together without imploding? Why won’t he release me from being faithful to a man who has betrayed me over and over and over again since the very first day that we met? How can this thing that feels like heaven on earth also feel like absolute hell? Is this divinity or is it just another trauma addiction? Am I grossly misunderstanding the role we are supposed to be playing in each other’s lives or am I just too afraid to fulfill the role that feels so obvious?

Look. I said before that I do not have the answers to any of these questions. I do not know why this world has shackled me to someone who resides in hell and whose fire continues to burn me and set me aflame. The only reason I can think of is because I have a role to play in helping you extinguish your fire. The same way you had a role to play in helping me extinguish mine.

I don’t know what will happen when our fires are out. If that is when this bond is released or when it only begins. I guess that is for God to know and for us to find out. So the last thing I want to say is this:

We all get tried in the fire EG but that does not mean we have to reside there. So if you ever find yourself wanting to find your way out of hell, I will be here and pass along all of the water I have.

————

Alrighti, for the fact that I have written to you again and again for nearly a year, always deleting or stacking away the papers, racking my brain as to what to say or if to say anything at all, procrastinating out of fear of taking any sort of action or even as much as knocking on a door that was very intentionally closed, all of these words really just flowed out of me without any previous planning or overanalyzing whatsoever.

One might call them careless whispers. But I actually think they are pretty care-full ;)

Non refert ubi es, ego semper est tecum,

Niknak

[hoegreeves]

why me?

Pairing || Winter Soldier x Reader, dark!Bucky Barnes x reader

Summary || You’re home alone while your boyfriend, Bucky Barnes, is on a mission. A visitor you don’t expect comes home.

Warnings || NSFW, non-con, knife play, bondage, death threats, abusive behavior, maybe kidnapping? There’s blood, there’s cum, there’s tears. This is dark. Do not read if you feel uncomfortable. I do not take responsibilities if you choose to keep going after the warnings.

Word count || 2,995

Notes || Listen, Bucky’s my favorite boy and I’m a whore for dark stuff. Seriously, I needed to get it off my chest. It’s a little shitty because it’s my first time writing dark smut (aw!) but I plan on keep writing so send requests in. I’m also drunk so this is not readproof. Good luck!

————

He shoved your head against the table, smacking your face hard in the marble material. You cried with the unexpected pain, trying to lift your torso but his metallic hand, still around the back of your neck, wouldn’t let you. “Stay put, your pathetic slut”, he hissed.

Confusion took over your body and you tried to adjust your head so you could say something. Bucky and you were into plenty of roleplays, but a minute ago you were home alone, plus he wasn’t acting natural.

He usually grinned, enjoying himself while playing with you like a puppet, and you loved it. But now— now he was dead serious, you could tell just by the way he was standing behind you, the way he kept control of his breath. The way you could feel his eyes scanning every little part of your body, as if he was analyzing where to inflict pain first.

“I knew it”, he mumbled to himself. You heard the sound of him pulling some knives off his belt with his free hands, still pressing your face against the table to the point the area already felt numb. “I shouldn’t have allowed myself to get this close to you.”

“How so?”, you dared to ask, your voice muffled.

“Did I allow you to talk, whore?”, Bucky growled, pulling you by your hair, smacking his body against yours and wrapping his arms around your waist so you couldn’t escape. “I want you to keep dead quiet, or I might as well just slit your throat and fuck your dead body.”

Your face turned pale and your body went cold, the panic explicit in your face as a chill ran down your spine. You tried to move again, struggling harder this time, but he was too strong for you to run.

The air escaped your lungs as the despair grew, “Bucky, please… you’re scaring me”, you sobbed.

His arms around you tightened, making you suffocate, feeling stuck, and he whispered almost lovingly: “Shhhh, shhh… you’re okay, doll. I won’t kill you, there’s only fun in fucking somebody if they’re drowning in tears, gasping for air and screaming in pleasure”, his soft tone, however, didn’t match any of his words. “And, so do you know… Bucky’s dead, my love. It’s just the Soldier here.”

“The- the Winter Soldier?”, you stuttered.

“Now that I filled you in, keep your mouth shut while I have a moment with this delicious body of yours”, he grabbed one of the knives he had put on the table, the razor shining, and dragged it through your thigh with the right amount of pressure not to cut it. “Can’t help but think about craving my name on your skin. Having you all sweaty and bloody, god…”

As he continued to sweet talk dirty and harsh words, he cut your shorts with the knife, the cold razor against your skin making you flinch.

The Winter Soldier looked so calm, cutting your shorts in the right spots so they quickly fell to your feet. It was like he had all the time in the world; all the time in the world to do whatever he wanted with you. To lock you up in a room and cut, burn, torture and fuck you over and over again. You shivered, your own thoughts frightening you.

He did the same with your underwear, throwing it shreds away before ripping your shirt off. “No bra, huh? Almost as if you were expecting me”, he remarked.

Now, having you fully naked pressed against him, he ghosted the skin of your shoulders with his lips, taking a deep breath. “Bend over”, the soldier commanded and you did as he said, bending over on the table, your nipples hardening when they touched the cold marble. He bent with you, following up your moves, and you noticed with a quiver that he was smelling you. The tip of his nose was now on your back, going down slowly, as if he wanted to breathe you in, up and down.

His arms soon weren’t around your waist anymore, but grabbing your thighs so hard you fought against yourself not to complain about the pain.

“Why so shy? Open up for me”, he stood again, grabbing your ass and lifting it up a little. You found yourself waiting anxiously for him to fuck you raw, instead you felt the cold blade of his knife pressed against your clit and gasped in fear, stopping on your movements right away, afraid to get cut down there.

“Bucky!”, you cried out.

“Are you fucking dumb? I told you to shut your mouth. I’m telling ya, doll, you won’t like the plans I have for you if you keep disobeying me”, it was Bucky’s voice. That was what made it hurt the most.

He pressed the knife harder against your clit, a loud moan leaving your lips without your permission. “Filthy whore, I know you’d love it”, the soldier smirked, pressing the knife a little bit harder before putting it away.

You sighed, relieved. He kneeled behind you, grabbing your legs tight, and pressed his nose slightly against your inner lips, sniffing you again. “Smells like heaven, you know, your cunt. Smells like heaven. And I want to bury my cock so deep into it you’ll beg me to stop even if you don’t really want to.”

He kept smelling you, like some kind of sick dog or wolf, and then stood up again, “Now, doll, let’s start our business.”

————

After that, everything happened like a blur. Bucky — or the Winter Soldier, you weren’t sure how to call him anymore — grabbed you like you were nothing and carried you all the way to your room. The room both of you shared lots of intimacy, love, all the romance and caring you could ask for. But now he was dropping you on your bed without thinking twice if you’d get hurt. He walked towards your wardrobe and simply ripped some of your clothes, walking back to the bed and tying your hands and feet to the bed.

After finishing his job, he just stood there. Stood like a trained soldier, straight posture, eyes blank and his vibranium fingers- they kept moving, like he was warming up to do whatever he wanted to do with you. He analyzed your body, every inch of your skin, and for a split second you could see him licking his lips.

“You know, doll, I could keep teasing you again and again until you were dripping wet and begging me to fuck you but, come on, I know you are desperate for me already and my cock is hard as fuck, so who am I trying to fool? You’re gonna stick with me forever, anyways, so I can have all the fun with you for… well, for ever.”

The words scared you to hell. What did he mean by forever? He would never let you go? What the hell was happening? Why did he choose you? Who triggered the Winter Soldier?

A solitary tear ran down your cheek.

He undid his belt and pulled down his pants and underwear, revealing he wasn’t kidding when he said he was hard as fuck. The Winter Soldier grinned when he saw your red, scared eyes, approaching the bed and crawling slowly until he was on top of you.

“I’m gonna be nice with you, doll, because I don’t want you crying until I’m thrusting into you. So I’ll let you choose where I should cum. Inside your cunt, your pretty little mouth or your face”, his hand caressed your cheek softly, wiping away the single tear. His hard cock was pressed against your pussy, almost as if it was comfortable between your inner lips, the tip rubbing softly against your clit. “You can talk now.”

“I—”, how were you supposed to choose? You didn’t want him coming inside, which could lead into an unwanted pregnancy or he feeling like he owned you. You didn’t want to taste him in your mouth only to remember it was also Bucky’s, your loving boyfriend, cum. And you didn’t want him to come in your face, what would humiliate you even more.

But, fuck it, am I not too humiliated already?

“On my face, Bucky”, you whispered, your voice cracking and almost inaudible.

“On my face, sir”, he corrected you, locking his eyes on yours. The love you felt for his eyes was eating you alive. How could that monster have your Bucky’s voice, face and eyes? How dared him?

“On my face, sir”, you repeated, helplessly.

“Good girl.”

He never checked if you were wet enough, if you were ready. He never checked if it hurt. He positioned himself and thrusted deep into you, stretching you open. You screamed in pain, his large cock tearing you apart. You tried to use your hands to push him, maybe pull him or just something, but the clothes he used as ropes stopped you. “No!”, you cried. “It hurts, Bucky, stop!”

It seemed to get him going even more, taking his cock off you only to pull in again, even harder. “I don’t care if it hurts, doll, you take me so well I just can’t stop.”

And he didn’t. He kept thrusting, penetrating you like you were just some kind of doll for his own pleasure and enjoyment. He pinched and bit your nipples, scratched your thighs and slapped your face everytime you said something. He kept going, and at some point the hurting stopped, the pleasure took over and you couldn’t hold back your moans between tears. He seemed so amused he licked the tears off your cheeks, “If you stop crying, I will hurt you more.”

And some sick thing inside you twitched, your arousal coming harder than ever and you grabbed the piece of your ripped clothes to contain your own pleasure. His vibranium hand traced a way to your neck, where he squeezed.

You couldn’t breathe anymore and, when he saw your face red while you gasped for air, he took himself off you and adjusted his body so he could come on your face. The thick white liquid fell like rain in your hair, forehead, nose, mouth, cheeks and neck. He kept stroking himself, finishing off on your face while your eyes were closed.

“Pretty slut”, he whispered after finishing, and then you opened your eyes to look at him, kneeling in front of you. “Look at you… so beautiful painted in white, it’s making me hard again”, he smiled and for a second you saw Bucky again. “Lick your lips for me, doll.”

And you did. You did because your pussy kept clushing and suddenly you realized you wanted him again. You could spot some of your blood on his cock, and still you wanted him again. The taste of his cum, salty, made you sigh softly. You were still tied up.

“Sir”, you called. “Why did you come after me?”, it was the question you kept wondering. If it wasn’t Bucky, why did the Winter Soldier come after you?

He never thought about it before answering: “Because your body is the only one that can truly satisfy me. Your tits are out of this world. Your skin feels like pure velvet, fucking heaven in my hands. Because your cunt takes me like it needs me”, you shivered, his words affecting you directly, but he kept going: “Bucky thought this was love but, for me, it is a prize. If there is a god, doll, he made you for me. For my pleasure. To make me feel good. You’re my prize and my possession, all mine. And my body craves for you.”

You were at a loss of words but the Winter Soldier didn’t care, and he said, as if the last words never happened: “Should I go down on you until you pass out or fuck that pretty virgin ass of yours?”

[lysol1201]

congrats on 200 followers!! hm... how about "you're my friend but... sometimes i wish you were more than that" + simeon for the sacred prompts thing :D

Hey!! Thank you so much!! Sorry this took a small bit to write and it's not as long as my others, but I had a small block with this one. This was also my first time writing for Simeon, so I hope it came out okay!! Thank you again!

This is for my 200-Follower Event! Choose a prompt from the list I provided and a character and I'll write a small one-shot/drabble for it! Here's the post!!

"You're my friend, but... sometimes I wish you were more than that." Simeon x GN!Reader

Word Count: 693

++++

“Simeon, what’s wrong?” You had asked.

You were out with Simeon for the day. Occasionally Luke would pop in if you two stayed at Purgatory Hall, but whenever you left out and about you were destined to see one of the brothers.

Simeon didn’t mind it. He was with you. The one he always enjoyed seeing. The one he loved to spend time with.

Over time though, you weren’t just this human exchange student to him. No, you were more than that. To him, at least.

He pondered your question. The world felt like it stopped all around him. Maybe Barbatos was watching from afar and paused time for a second if that was something he could even do. Simeon didn’t quite understand Barbatos, but at that very moment, he really hoped Barbatos could slow down time.

Nothing was necessarily wrong, no. He was happy. He was having a good time, this was a great day for him. There was only one problem:

You were there.

As a friend.

You two were close. You would always confide in him, love to spend time with him, and you two were together quite a bit. Enough to the point where Simeon didn’t just want to be your friend anymore. He wanted to be more than that.

Every second of the day you were spending together his emotions was conflicted. Was he extraordinarily happy to see you smiling by his side? Or was he hurt that he couldn’t be holding your hand or kissing your cheek in-between moments?

He wanted to answer your question but he wasn’t sure how. He didn’t want to lie to you. Should he just be honest?

“You,” he stated. Knowing as an angel, it’s better to be open rather than hide. 

“What?” You looked shocked. “Did I do something wrong? Did I say something wrong? I’m so sorry if I offended you in any way-“

“No, you didn’t do anything wrong,” Simeon chuckled lightly, assuring you that none of your fears are true. “It’s just the situation.”

You raised your eyebrow in confusion, analyzing Simeon. His expression was calm and content. But in his eyes, something was obviously bothering him. He looked happy but, what is this situation that has him so stuck in his head?

“What’s the situation?”

“It’s complicated,” He sighed, scratching his head. He was trying to figure out how to word it. He had already decided that at that moment he was going to confess. Though now the question was how was he going to do that?

“Simeon, you can tell me,” You leaned a bit forward towards him with a calm grin on your face. “I’m your friend, and that’s what friends are for. I’m here to listen.”

Why did that soft sentiment hurt him? It was so kind and sweet. Why did his heart fall?

Oh, right. Friend.

“You’re my friend,” Simeon began. “But…”

Your eyes widened. A but. Fuck, what did you do?

“Sometimes I wish you were more than that.”

Oh.

Your heart started beating at a thousand miles an hour. Heat started rushing to your cheeks, your hands becoming slightly clammy, this beautiful angel just said he wanted to be more than friends with you.

Someone who you appeared to be too good to be true, someone you can have in your life to an extent but nothing to what you truly desired. He was so close yet so far away. Yet here he was, having the same feelings as you do.

“MC? Are you okay?”

“Hm?” You hummed in question, shaking your head as you fell out of thought. “Yeah, yeah, I’m okay,” You smile, a genuine one that caused a bright smile to appear on his face as well. “It’s just that, sometimes I wish you were more than that too.”

Simeon thought he knew how it felt to have wings flutter, due to his angelic ones. But he had never experienced the flutter you caused his heart to feel in the moment where you had reciprocated his feelings.

So that’s what you two decided.

You weren’t going to be just friends. You were going to be more than that.

[myrulia]

"You Taste Sweeter" - Kokushibou x Self Conscious!Reader

.｡.:*✧Synopsis: You are rather self conscious of yourself and it becomes bothersome to your Upper Moon of a lover. How will you react to you being beneath him and having sweets drizzled all over you, all the while being treated like fragile candy?

.｡.:*✧Warnings: Food play, body worship, praising, dirty talk

.｡.:*✧Word count: 4225

`` Does this look decent? `` You asked whilst slowly turning around to meet the gaze of your one and only, Kokushibou. The Upper Moon One was simply sitting on your shared bed and eyeing your standing form that changed into the fifth outfit of the hour. Truth be told, he was annoyed with your constant switches and why you cared so deeply about others opinion. At the end of the day, if you are comfortable then why worry?

`` [Y/N], choose a kimono already. This is the 5th one and my statement still stands, choose the first one and get it over with, `` said Kokushibou with a harsh tone. You knew he leisurely became aggravated at your hesitancy to decide on an outfit. The process could have been done an hour ago - and yet here you are, standing in front of your mirror with furrowed eyebrows and glaring at your lover. `` Darling, it is not as easy as you make it seem- ``

`` Then what is stopping you? ``

His sudden interruption made you go as quiet as a field mouse. Your back stiffened and it was obvious your entire body became tense. As always, Kokushibou had read you like a book and there was nothing you could do to outsmart him. Sighing out, you allowed your shoulders to drop to relax your stiffened muscles, still standing before the Upper Moon in slight shame that you allowed yourself to hide the truth from him for so long. You did not wish to take so long with choosing a measly outfit - in fact it never took you this long before - but this night was different. It started a little after sundown when you first looked at yourself in nothing but basic lingerie to analyze yourself, and the more you looked, the more you found more imperfections about yourself. You thought to yourself that Kokushibou deserved better than less than perfect, and thinking of the many beautiful humans and demons you have seen in your lifetime, you have come to realize just how truly indifferent you are.

As you were lost in thought, your much taller lover stood up from your shared bed, now taking slow strides to you until he was directly in front of you, placing his much larger hands on your shoulders and heaving out a small breath before speaking - supposedly attempting to de-escalate his aggravation. `` [Y/N], what are you not telling me? ``

In that annoyingly husky voice, Kokushibou leant down to your left ear, speaking in such a deep tone that you had to readjust the clothes that suddenly became tight on your skin. The demon then stood straight with his hands still on your smaller form, all the while you had to recollect yourself in order to speak your truth to your lover. Inhaling and exhaling slowly, you look into the pair of eyes in the middle, finally speaking. `` I have felt uncomfortable in my own skin as of late. I feel like I am not good enough because there are many more beautiful women to choose from so I do not know why you would choose me. ``

This time he let you speak, processing what you said and scoffing in both disbelief and offense. His glare became more prominent on his features so suddenly you felt smaller than what he usually makes you feel. Removing your gaze from his golden irises, you look down at the tatami mat flooring to ignore the internal shame you felt for feeling such ways. It is not like you could control those emotions, you felt as though you could not be compared to any other women your eyes have fallen upon. They were beyond gorgeous and that was a fact you accepted the more you thought about your imperfections.

`` Look at me. ``

His demanding tone lead to your head to snap in the direction of his own, which caused your chin to naturally tilt up. Your lip was quivering - yet barely noticeable because you wanted to look strong for your even stronger lover. Of course, his supernatural vision allowed him to notice every single detail about you, and so he obviously saw the pained expression on your face that you were struggling to hide. Sighing and shaking his head, Kokushibou runs a thumb over your bottom, glossy lip before leaning in and pressing a chaste kiss onto your plump lips. You immediately let out a small whimper as your walls basically became crumbling down, allowing yourself to melt into his embrace.

Your lips practically lunged at his, tasting him for all he is worth while his did the same, indulging himself in your flavor until that is all he could detect on his taste receptors. A kiss that went from something so delicate and innocent now turned salacious and lust-filled. Your back was met with the hard surface of the wall from Kokushibou forcefully pushing you, and so you let out a small gasp that parted your lips yet they were quickly silenced with his landing on yours once more. You were trapped in his embrace in that moment with your small whimpers being hushed by his lips ravaging yours hungrily, obviously wanting something more out of the already heated kiss. Although oxygen was also needed so he withdrew himself from you, all the while you were left a mess and leaning against the wall for support. A hand of yours made its way onto the demon's hair, raking your fingers through the mess until you successfully pulled his ponytail out from its hold. 

While you both chased after your much needed breath, calloused hands moved from your shoulders to your waist, yet positioned themselves at your thighs and hoisted you up on the wall. Instinctively, you wrap your legs around his waist to keep yourself from falling onto the floor, but just as quickly as you also wrapped your arms around his neck, Kokushibou kept his hands firm on your thighs. He sauntered back to your shared bed and placed you gently on the mattress, standing in between your thighs that refused to let him go. The Upper Moon took note of your actions and let out a small chuckle, just before wiping away any stray hairs that had fallen on your face. `` Please wait for me, I need to grab something from the other room. ``

You pouted at his sudden announcement of leaving due to the fact that he already managed to get you this bothered in your own clothes, feeling as though you are suffocating in them. `` Fine, but do hurry, I need you. ``

He simply nodded before placing your legs back down and stepping out of the room quickly to grab who knows what. While your lover is unfortunately gone, your hands spring to strip your body of the overly smothering kimono on your body. You discarded the unnecessary clothing onto the floor, taking no note of the small noise you heard outside of the sliding door connecting to the hallway of your home. 

Whilst you were stuck in the bedroom being impatient as ever, Kokushibou who looked around for a certain something was having a hard time locating the item he acquired merely a few days ago. He let out a low grunt of dissatisfaction multiple times until he successfully located the one thing he desired.

Chocolate.

Not just any chocolate, chocolate syrup that he had many plans with. Having said substance in hand, he strolls back to your shared bedroom only to be met with the sight of your body in nothing but a simple underwear set, but the one thing that caught all six of his eyes was your fingers plunging in and out of your cunt whorishly. Your eyes were closed so you were not aware of his entrance, your cheeks being flushed from the feeling of your fingers - yet it was not enough to pleasure yourself. You twisted and writhed, your legs being clenched shut trying to feel more from yourself, yet you could not satisfy your own needs no matter how rigorously you moved your two digits.

Kokushibou, who continued to move undetected, placed the chocolate onto the bedside table, moving to stand in front of you once completed with the simple task. He could not lie, he was enjoying the sight of you not being able to get yourself off without the help of himself, yet despite enjoying the small little show you were not aware of giving him, his hand finds your wrist, grabbing you gently to stop your movements. You peel your eyes open to meet his gaze, your faces being inches from each other. `` I- I am so sorry- ``

`` There is nothing to apologize for, but my star, let me make you feel how beautiful you are instead. ``

Your cheeks flushed even more once Kokushibou began crawling onto the bed, pulling down your panties by the hem, slowly gliding them down your legs until they were completely off and throwing them to the side as well. His other hand trailing up your thigh and spreading your legs to reveal the delicious sight of your dripping pussy pulsating in such desire for him. You crawled backwards until your back hit the wall once more, meaning you were trapped and at his disposal as always. The male kept his eyes fixated on you and your flustered state that was so easy to cause. You turned your head away feeling flushed and heated in your lower reigns, but you refused to admit to such things. `` [Y/N] I want you to look at me as I pleasure you. ``

His voice returned to the same husky tone he used earlier to seduce you into doing such naughty things, so you found yourself staring into his golden irises again and longing for his touch, his scent to overwhelm your nose, his cock bending your mind to pleasure. You desired him and it was no point in hiding such a fact. There were no words that needed to be uttered in order for Kokushibou to understand just exactly what you needed - but that does not mean he is not going to be a tease about it. 

Laying you down gently, he now has both hands interlocked with yours, hovering above your almost entirely exposed body while the only thing exposed of his was his chest and abdomen. It was a habit of his to wander around your shared living space in nothing but a measly hakama that teased the living hell out of you, and even now, it seemed like the fabric was mocking you again, blocking your view of his muscular body above yours. `` My love, I never want you to feel like you are anything less than utterly beautiful. You will forever be the brightest star in my life and nothing can change that. Please do not feel those things about yourself ever again, otherwise the punishment will be far worse than this. ``

`` What do you mean punishme- oh, `` you managed to let out a small gasp at the end of your questioning sentence in view of the fact that your lover grabbed something you never would have even guessed he owned, drizzling the light brown substance all over your lower abdomen. The cold feeling being left on your exposed skin caused you to squirm - just a bit - so you could adjust yourself to the temperature, and seeing you struggle was amusing to the demon before you. A large hand glides up your arms, stopping just in front of your still covered chest by that accursed bra of yours, so in one swift movement, it is ripped from your body and in shreds on the floor. You let out a miniscule whimper at your nipples now being exposed to the cold air around you.

Kokushibou's hands then trailed to your cold, erected nipples, fondling with the two sensitive buds while watching your face scrunch at the tease of pleasure he was giving you. Bucking your hips up, you whine much more audibly this time, making your needs and wants known to the Upper Moon because the teasing was driving you mad. A deep chuckle escaped his lips. Now leaning his head forward, his tongue probes out from his mouth and landing on your skin, coaxing the wet muscle with the chocolate he drizzled all over your stomach without shame. He continued to eye your expression, only to see that your eyes were closed and your head was now tilted back. He figured your nipples got the teasing they deserved so he pressed the pad of his thumb on the buds before gripping your breasts entirely, kneading the two globes while his tongue explored your body.

You writhed beneath him each time his fangs would brush against your skin, multiple shivers emitting from your spine that caused you to shiver. The feeling of his tongue on your body trailing up in between the valley of your breast was mind numbing and your toes curled at this. Kokushibou knew what he was doing as he got closer and closer to his face, his tongue being lathered in chocolate and saliva, the two substances that made a dangerous combination on your skin. You refused to open your eyes because now your cheeks were crimson all over again. You never would have expected such acts from a demon like the Upper Moon, and yet here you are underneath him being treated like royalty almost. 

`` I will not ask this again [Y/N], open your eyes and look at me. ``

You followed his orders - slowly. It was on purpose just to see how far he is willing to go to get his point across. Yes you were going to be a brat about it, but gradually become worse over time.

Once your eyes were fixated on him, his hand that was on your left breast gripped your cheeks, which caused your lips to be puckered open and you looked in shock as the demon spat in your mouth before exerting his lips onto yours. His tongue forcibly entered your mouth, allowing you to taste the sweet chocolate on his taste buds that was being transferred to yours, saliva getting in the mix until you could not tell who's was who's. Your hands that were originally gripped the bedsheets now wrapped themselves around his neck, pulling him closer until your chest was pressed against his. Soon you pulled away for oxygen, and it took one glance in each other's eyes to know what the latter wanted. `` Kokushibou I am sorry for wasting o-our time. Please do not tease for long. I need you to fulfill my needs. ``

`` Do not worry, your needs will be fulfilled when I say so, my star, `` Kokushibou said in a lower tone, letting go of your face and breast to finally rid of the difficult hakama covering his own erection. He quickly discarded the fabric and threw it onto the floor beside the bed, looking down at you with a fire ablaze in his eyes, peering at your body having chocolate smeared all over, but he is not done with the sweet treat just yet. `` It does not seem like you are doing much about my needs darling. ``

`` Do not worry, they will soon enough, just be patient, `` he reassured while caressing your face ever so gently with his fingers. The gesture was gentle and loving in a sense, yet you felt his girthy length invaded your already flexing pussy. Your eyes fluttered back as you do nothing but surrender yourself to complete bliss. `` Kokushibou! Warn m-me..! ``

`` You do not deserve a warning, this is a punishment..- after all, `` he snarled in response. His calloused hands found yours, taking the chance to interlock your fingers and stare down at your beautiful irises. `` You deserve to feel what it is like to be loved, and so I will not stop until you know just how beautiful you are. ``

You simply nodded, not really knowing what else to do in that moment since you felt so full because of his cock alone. You tried to adjust yourself, yet your walls continued to contract and clench on his length, and that was all it took for the male to start his slow, yet hard thrusts. He pulled out slowly, barely to the tip, before slamming himself back inside you. You inhaled sharply before letting out a loud, breathy moan, rolling your hips so you can ease the fiery pain and pleasure that overflooded your senses throughout your entire body.  Kokushibou let out a deep groan before it quickly changed into an also breathy moan, tilting his head back whilst his hands started to grip yours. He was losing control and it was obvious with how every vein pulsed on his body and became more prominent.

Moan after moan escaped your lips each time he continuously rammed his length deep inside you, reaching every goddamn spot inside of your silky insides covered in your delectable juices that made it much more easier for Kokushibou to slide in and out of your hole effortlessly. The hard rutting of his hips against yours became bruising due to the fact that his thrusts were roughly inflicting pleasure to your pussy and your skin would meet with his every time. It was too much and he barely did anything.

Your hands wormed out of his to get a better grip of something, anything, just to calm the electrifying waves of pleasure taking over your nervous system as a whole, so you moved your hands to his back and clawed at his skin for dear life. The action earned you a low growl from Kokushibou who had to grip onto the bedsheets for dear life just to hold himself up. Your nails digging into his back was painful - but enjoyable to know that he is pleasuring you this well - yet very far from done.

`` Enjoying yourself? `` He mocked whilst finally looking down at whatever ruined state you were already in. Your eyes had managed to roll back fully, your tongue being partially lolled out of your gaping mouth. Sweat droplets managed to form on your face due to the sheer amount of force his thrusts had. You nodded your head quickly in response, not being able to let out anything else except for moans of his name and moans in general, which was such a radiant sight to see for Kokushibou who knew just what to do to have you seeing stars. He himself was becoming pleasure blinded, for his slow yet rough paced was slowly becoming more rapid as more perspiration formed on his chest, forehead, arms, and lower abdomen. It was a sexy sight to say the least as groan after breathy groan came from his lips, but that quickly latched onto the side of your throat, biting the flesh - yet not enough to actually tear skin. `` Do..- Do you think I am done with you? This was just the start [Y/N]. ``

You could not conjure up a proper response, just a loud moan as you felt a hardened tip kiss against the entrance of your cervix. The feeling sent more shocks of pleasure throughout your nervous system, your breath hitching and your face scrunching up once more. `` I believe you will.. try your best!- Ngh- But what will you do.. if you do n-not succeed? ``

`` That will not happen.. rest assured. You will not know anything else but just how much of a beautiful person you are, o-okay? `` You could have sworn you heard Kokushibou out of all demons stutter on his own words. Your walls began clamping down on his cock that continued to fill your insides with each rough movement, so you felt yourself becoming closer to your climax than you had hoped.

Your chests were practically glued together from the combined sweat of your bodies as his pace never faltered, only continuing to further quicken and add on to your mind going foggy. `` I cannot have you going blank just yet, stay with me, my love. ``

His words went in one ear and out the other, but as soon as you felt the cold substance be drizzled on your chest, you gasped out his name audibly whilst having your mouth set agape even more. You tried to process one thing at a time yet before you knew it his vein covered hands gripped your breasts with such force that you arched your back into his chest even more, your breath hitching at the suddenness. `` Y-Yes I promise..! ``

Kokushibou's tongue darted to your chocolate-covered nipple first, bathing his taste receptors in the sweet substance all the while sucking greedily on the erected bud. Your moans came out more shaky each time a groan emitted from his esophagus, the vibrations transferring to your own body that just made your pleasure enhanced senses skyrocket. `` The chocolate may be sweet..- `` Kokushibou paused. `` ..But you taste sweeter. ``

His mouth moved from one nipple to the other, repeating the action of licking your chest clean that had you seeing stars at that point. The roughness of his thrusts still kissing just against your cervix sending constant tsunamis of intense pleasure throughout your entire being was starting to become mind numbing as your climax was slowly approaching. 

`` Ko-Kokushibou- ah! I'm going to.. cum-! `` You shouted out above your moans, your mouth being left agape due to the sudden pace change of force being put into the plunging of his cock going deeper and deeper inside you with each loud mewl of his name. It was driving him crazy having your nails dig further into his back that was bound to leave marks clear as day, yet he did not mind because the pain was one of the only things keeping him from losing himself in the pleasure your slick-covered walls were giving him. He merely groaned in response, nodding rapidly, not wanting to answer in coherent words in view of the fact that his tongue was still gathering any remaining chocolate on your chest, trailing the wet muscle up your neck and leaving yet another bite mark next to the one he left earlier.

`` I want you- fuck- I want you to know how beautiful you are.. inside and out..-`` Kokushibou said, his tone being more rugged than before feeling his own climax approach ever so slowly, building up to release his load within your depths. The swelling within your core would not stop growing until eventually your mind was painted white, releasing on your lover's cock and squeezing your eyes shut to truly savor the feeling of your walls being coated with your cum that continued to spasm around his cock.

Just as you were still lost in a shocked state of your orgasm, your face was suddenly gripped by two masculine hands, being forced to look at the owner in his eyes that read "Upper Moon One." `` I'm going to cum inside you, and you better be appreciative of every single drop, otherwise there will be consequences.``

You simply nodded as quickly as you could, his thrusts still not faltering. Although with one slam of his hips against yours, his seed is suddenly erupting inside you, your eyes now rolling back once more at the feeling of being filled to the brim. You felt full to say the least, since your cum was mixed with his, swelling your tummy even. A deep and breathy groan escaped Kokushibou's lips as he continued to release his cum within your aching cunt that seemed to milk him dry with each throb. 

The demon had finally stilled once his peak of pleasure had finally settled down, his body still hovering above yours as his 3 pairs of eyes could not tear themselves from your whorish expression. Your cheeks had a few tear stains, as well as your eyes being bloodshot and rolled into the back of your head, your mouth being left hanging open that had saliva dripping from your twitching lips. It was an amusing sight to say the least to Kokushibou, for seeing you in such a ruined state could instantly get his cock hard again at the thought of him being able to make you see other worlds with his length alone. His calloused hand caressed your face, a gentle action that brought you back to your senses, being able to focus on his handsome face again. 

There was a loving smile on your face that was small - but there, even though your face was practically ruined. You leaned into his hand and closed your eyes, allowing yourself to melt into the warmth of his palm that you craved to feel in a gentle manner. You both had heavy breathes, trying to desperately regain oxygen after using your energy for such a scandalous act, yet the male before you used his energy to lay beside you, now turning you around so that your back is pressed against his chest and your leg raised by his other free hand. `` If you think I was done with you [Y/N], then you are sadly mistaken. I want you to remember that you are beautiful whether you think so or not. So answer me, do you believe you are beautiful? ``

`` Yes of course I do..!- ``

`` That did not sound so convincing my love, I suggest you need to be reminded again. ``

◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇

[mystic-sky]

Summary: third-year Gojo’s first kiss with fem reader

Word Count: 1.6k

Warnings: mentions of marijuana, sfw aside from teen Gojo ogling at your tiddies.

A/N: I wanted to break from my heavy smut writing with something wholesome and sort of vanilla. Enjoy SSS trio and you on a summer night in August.

It was your second summer together, the summer before everything went to shit. The memory will forever be engraved into you, into Gojo Satoru. Forever engraved into Geto Suguru before his departure, and forever engraved into Ieiri Shoko, who had just discovered her newest infatuation with marijuana.

The moment feels ridiculously more ethereal than how you remember it. Suguru and Satoru snicker as you take your first pull. You’re coughing your lungs out, shoving the blunt back between Suguru’s fingers. He allows his laughter to die down before passing it between his lips (most effortlessly) to inhale.

“Like this,” he holds it for a moment, and releases a puff of the high into your face. Your throat closes and you heave again, squeezing your knees as you hunch over.

“You’ll get used to it,” Shoko says, taking hold of the blunt to take her own pull before passing it to Satoru whose just behind you, sitting on the railing. 

He’s blocking the setting sun, which you were grateful for in a way. You eventually got better at smoking before the thing burnt out, much to everyone’s dismay.

“Get us ice cream, oh handsome, honored one.” Shoko bats her long eyelashes at the snow haired male. She shoves an elbow at your side. You quickly join in.

“Oh dearest honored one, bestow us with snacks to cure the munchies.”

He hops down from the railing, and he’s still taller than the rest of you. “Hmm, say the handsome part again, won’t you? Then, I might consider it.” His sunglasses slide down his nose, and he’s more in your face than Shoko’s, even though you never exaggerated the handsome part specifically.

As nose barely touches nose, you’re a bit flustered by the heat of his body emanating onto yours. It was already hot outside, but you surely felt it.

“I’m the handsome, honored one,” you begin, sliding his sunglasses off of his face and putting them on your own. “And I am going to spoil my friends with ice cream— because I’m the honored one.”

“Cute,” he’s holding an loose, irritated scowl, whirling around and quickly walking up ahead of you lot, earning chuckles from the rest of the group. “Are you guys coming or not?”

“Oh we are, handsome honored one,” Shoko snorts on the handsome part again before cheesing at you. You’re imitating his facial expressions with the shades on— wow these things are pretty cool, you think. And clearly expensive. 

It’s a decent walk to the convenience store now that the sun is down, and no longer scorching the open skin of your back. Him and Suguru are snickering about something like usual, peering back immaturely at you and Shoko. The both of you are unamused, wondering if the two of you should pretend to mumble things about them too, just to rile them up. 

She asks you for your hair tie by whispering in your ear, and you stifle a fake laugh, earning raised eyebrows from the two males. You swiftly pull it off your wrist and hand it to her, watching her stuff what she could of her bob cut into a frazzled ponytail.

Stepping foot into the store was probably the sweetest relief of that night. The coldest air poured down your backs as the door chimed loudly upon entry. You slide the sunglasses up to rest on your head, realizing just how bright the in-store lights actually were.

You and Shoko broke off from the boys to choose what you pleased. She picked up a teen idol magazine as you paced just a few steps ahead. You’re grabbing a few snacks as well, something crunchy to fill whatever it was your stomach was feeling. 

The four of you meet again in the ice cream section, and Satoru doesn’t actually care that you and Shoko have picked out more than just ice cream. He’s got an armful of things you never even tried, so you ask him,

“What’s that? S’it good?” He’s distracted by your breasts being pressed together by full arms of snacks. A single strap of your tank top is falling off one of your shoulders, and it makes his gaze stutter about on your frame. Suguru snaps his fingers behind him, forcing a response from Satoru.

“I’ll let you try some,” the response is quick on his tongue, and he scowls at his dark haired friend who had been mocking him in the back ground about his looming crush on you.

“All you get is chocolate stuff,” Shoko inserts herself between you both, analyzing Satoru’s snacks. “Can I get cigs too?” 

He shrugs. He hardly had any limits on his allowances. Money to him was limitless, and that’s why, especially with his sweet tooth, he had absolutely no discipline. He’s at the register minutes later, with more items in hand than the rest of you. He argues that since its the the last week before the summer ends, who knows when you’ll get another outing like this one. 

You are all back by the pier again, sitting on the railing you aren’t supposed to be sitting on because you could very well fall into the sea. Stomachs full of flavored corn snacks and sweets, the munchies are now gone and you’re all talking about... well, a whole lot of nothing.

Shoko, as seemingly spontaneous as ever, wants to dip her feet in the water. 

“I don’t wanna go alone,” she tugs at Suguru’s side. “Carry me there.”

“What? No.” He’s gnawing unapologetically on a bare popsicle stick. Her eyes plead, the same ones from earlier, and he gives in out of annoyance. The two them walk down the steps to the beach. 

You never asked her if she left you alone with Satoru that night on purpose, or what her goals might’ve been, but an opportunity it was, nonetheless.

“The blue one’s better,” he says simply, sucking on the flavored block of ice.

“Than the red one?” You peered at your own popsicle. “I guess it’s up to preference.” 

Your mouth pops off of the tip loudly before you suck again. He wishes you didn’t make it look so lewd.

You ogle at the box of flavors, the rest of them would surely melt by the time you all got back to the school. You turn your head back to feel white hair graze against your arm. He invites himself to taste your popsicle, prompting hard blushes from you. He imitates the loud pop you made just before. 

“Blue is still better,” he smirks at your sudden discomfort. He’s somewhat at eye level with you, and you swallow hard. He’s always flirting with you, messing with you— trying to get some sort of reaction out of you. 

“Just cause you bought it for me doesn’t mean you can invite yourself to taste it whenever you want.” You bring the pop to your lips and suck softly, looking directly at him. He’s blushing now too, but he tries so hard to hide it. He’s stuck on the way that you’re barely shy about it. You’re not telling him to back up like you usually would. Your eyes are sparkling as bright as they’re able with barely any sun left on the horizon.

“Your mouth’s blue,” you break him from his sultry thoughts. He licks his lips, feeling somewhat embarrassed about it.

“Yours is red,” he deflects, he’s definitely not prepared at all for what you say next.

“If we kiss, our lips are gonna be purple,” He’s all for it, but he’s still surprised when your cold lips entwine with his. It’s a sweet taste, but the feeling of the kiss is a cross between sticky and numb. Suddenly, some warmth blooms in the center of it, and you feel each other entirely. Your tongue doesn’t feel like he thought it would, but at least he knows why. You pull away, wrapping your mouth around your pop, nonchalant as ever.

“You’re just always in my face like you wanna kiss me,” you shrug, you’re analyzing him subtly through the corner of your eye. His expression is sort of deer-like. He’s always wanted to kiss you, yeah. Did he think it was going to happen like that? Not exactly. 

“Cause,” the response is seconds late, “I do.” 

He’s not so shy anymore, closing the space between your bodies.

“So just do it,” you look up at him, and his eyes are glimmering at you. He presses his lips to yours, warming them again against your soft and pillowy flesh. A sweet sound pours through his mouth, one he didn’t know you were capable of making. He wondered if all girls tasted this sweet— with the exception of the ice cream. You kissed him back so bashfully, despite your seemingly assertive personality before hand.

The kiss lasts longer than you both realize, prompting sticky ice cream to dribble down both your arms but neither of you care that much. 

Your wet mouths part, and surely there’s a bit of blue on your lips as much as there is red on his. You find yourself looking away from his piercing blue gaze, trying not to draw attention to the blush painting your face. 

“There isn’t anything to wipe my arm up with is there,” you mutter, watching the red juice slither down your arm. You’re tempted to lick it up to prevent it from traveling further but Satoru speaks again.

“We could go rinse our hands by the fountains if you want,” he says, cracking a goofy grin.

“That sounds like a good idea,” you look towards him. “Why are you smiling like that?”

He chuckles lightly as the fingers on his cleaner hand find your face, smooshing your cheeks inward and puckering your lips. “Well would you look at that,” he grins again.

“They definitely are purple.”

[crumbledcastle28]

Chapter 16: An Understanding

Warnings: this one really isn’t bad, just a droid death and sappiness.

Author’s Note: Thank you to anyone who has supported this. We are almost there!

(If this is your gif please lmk!)

The sweet moment between the three of you was quickly ruined by a distant explosion, so the Mandalorian woman quickly rushed you all out after she quickly gave Mando a gift.

A Mandalorian jet-pack.

You had seen other Mandalorians use them in the past, and Mando seemed incredibly honored to have one, so if Mando was happy, you were happy.

The team followed the tunnel towards the smell of sulfur, trying your best to track the lava flats. You didn’t have much of choice. That was the only way out.

As you walked down the tunnels, you held the sleeping child in your arms, keeping him close to you. Mando walked next to you, stealing glances at you as you walked. You would glance back, but he would always face forward once more, trying to make it seem like he wasn’t starring. You would always smile at him when he would turn away, obviously embarrassed.

Who knew you could make a beskar covered warrior like that be embarrassed?

You felt at peace. At home. For once you actually had one. You didn’t even know how to describe the feeling. It’s like your anxious brain and beating heart finally subsided. Like your body relaxed, and you had nothing to fear. Sure, the team was still stuck in these tunnels and the exit would be swarming with stormtroopers, but you had backup. A team. A clan.

It felt like a new start.

Once you finally made it to the river’s edge, a boat was leaned up against the land. It had obviously seen better days and the droid inside hadn’t been used in a long time.

Great.

Mando and Karga tried pushing the boat, but that did no use, so Cara raised her rifle and shot the boat free from the hardened lava.

You smiled at her and chuckled, thinking about the fact she had outsmarted a Mandalorian and a well known Guild member. You were not surprised in the slightest.

You could’ve sworn she laughed back.

Everyone climbed into the boat, and by some miracle, the droid inside sputtered to life. It stood up, raising its paddle and dropping it into the orange liquid beside it. It then said some droid gibberish, which IG-11 presumed was a request.

“I believe he is asking where we would like to go,” IG said.

“Downriver. To the lava flats,” Karga said, and the droid set to paddling.

Mando was to your left, while Cara was at your right. The child had woken up once more, using his energy to chew on your thumb. Mando brought his hand up to his helmet, activating the thermal scanners.

“That’s it,” Karga yelled, pointing to the growing light coming from the end of the tunnel.

“We’re free!”

It had been a long time since you had heard something like that.

“No,” Mando said, squashing your elated mood.

“Stormtroopers. They’re flanking the mouth of the tunnel. They must know we are coming.”

“Stop the boat,” you said sternly to the ferry droid. The droid, however, gave no sign that he actually heard you.

“Hey,” Cara said firmly, walking up to the droid.

“She said stop the boat,” she said before shooting the droid’s head off.

You appreciated Cara’s act of defense for you, you really did, but it didn’t do any good. The boat kept moving.

There was no other way. You had to stand and fight.

You pulled your longspear from your back and tucked the child deeper into your arms. You had fought stormtroopers before, why would this time be any different?

“They will not be satisfied with anything less than the child,” IG said, and you turned your head to look back at him. Your confused expression accurately represented the feelings of the rest of the group as well.

“This is unacceptable. I will eliminate the enemy, and you will escape.”

“You don’t have that kind of firepower pal,” Mando said in reply.

“You wouldn’t even get to daylight.”

“That is not my objective,” said the droid. “I still have the security protocols from my manufacturer. If my designs are compromised, I must self-destruct.”

“What?” you asked the droid.

“I am not permitted to be captured. I must be destroyed.”

The droid looked at Mando and said, “Sadly, there is no scenario where the child is saved in which I survive.”

“No,” Mando said, moving closer to the droid.

“You’re not going anywhere. We need you.”

“Please tell me the child will be safe in your care,” the droid said, now looking at both you and Mando.

“But you will be destroyed-” you began to say.

“And you will live,” IG said. “I will have served my purpose.”

He looked to Mando and said, “There is nothing to be sad about.”

“I’m not…. sad,” Mando said, but you were no where near convinced. His voice was the only way for you to humanize him, and emotions were very easily traced on the voice. When you can’t see someone’s face, the voice is all they have. You had gotten good at that.

It seemed IG had gotten good at it too.

“Yes, you are. I’m a nurse droid. I have analyzed your voice,” IG said before coming to the child and brushing his hand along his forehead.

No matter how little Mando wanted to deny it, the droid was your saving grace.

The droid then stepped into the boiling lava, and started making its way down towards the exit.

You watched the droid with wide and curious eyes. You had never seen a droid be so… selfless. You had always seen droids as mindless robots who only acted out of survival, but this one gave its life for you.

You wished you could repay him somehow.

When the detonator on the droid finally exploded, the child in your arms lifted his ears and watched. Even though the droid had been there for a small time, he was still the reason you and the child were alive. It seemed like the kid was loosing a friend.

You could see the pain in his eyes, and you wished you could take it all away from him and put it into your own.

Once the boat finally drifted into the tunnel, you saw the bodies of the stormtroopers on either side of the bank.

Maybe this actually… worked?

But, like many… many… times before, the scream of a tie fighter ruined all chances of an easy departure.

“Moff Gideon!” Cara shouted before raising her blaster and shooting at the aircraft. Mando and Karga immediately joined her, while you used your longspear to shield you and the child from any blaster fire.

The ship’s canons rained fire on the group for a couple seconds before the ship went roaring completely over your heads.

“He missed,” Karga said in relief.

“He won’t next time,” Mando said. The ship was already starting to turn back around.

“He mentioned he knew you,” Mando said to you, referring to when he was trapped in the town not even an hour before this.

“Yeah….” you said.

“I’ve pissed him off,” you chuckled out, and Mando looked at you with a breathy laugh as well.

“Hey,” Karga said suddenly. “Let’s have the kid do the magic hand thing.”

Oh great, you thought to yourself.

“Come on baby! Do the magic hand thing,” Karga said to the kid while wiggling his fingers.

The child only giggled in your arms and waved back, and you let a light chuckle come out of your nose.

“I’m out of ideas,” Karga said.

“I’m not,” Mando said, turning around to get the jet-pack from the boat.

You watched him walk away with a slight smirk on your face. You believed in Mando more than anyone, and you prayed he had enough training to know how to use that thing.

You saw the tie fighter making its way back to you through the corner of your eye, but you continued to watch Mando. He attached the pack to his back and then locked eyes with you before shooting into the sky like a rocket.

You watched him with a beating heart as he flew right in front of the tie fighter, allowing it to go under his feet. He then hooked his grappling cable onto the wing and used the jet pack to propel himself onto the cockpit window.

Even though you were scared out of your mind, you still managed to smile at the sight above you.

Your Mandalorian was incredible.

Mando’s blaster did almost no damage to the cockpit door before Moff Gideon jerked the ship to the left. The ship was starting to spiral, and your awe quickly turned into worry.

Mando was holding on with everything he had.

He all of a sudden let go and went soaring through the air. The left side of the ship completely exploded, which sent the ship careening to the ground. It burst into smoke on impact.

Barely a second later, your Mandalorian landed before you in a slight crouch, before standing to his full height.

The smile on your face said it all.

He chuckled slightly at your shocked and happy expression before taking the child from you and holding him in his arms. You walked to stand beside him and stare up to his face, proud and joyful.

You got a Mandalorian.

Karga and Cara stood before you two with equally shocked expressions

“That was impressive Mando,” Karga said. “It looks like your Guild rates have just gone up.”

You grinned at Karga, enjoying his little tease.

“Any more stormtroopers?” Mando asked.

“I think we cleared the town,” Cara said with a laugh. “I’m thinking of staying around just to be sure.”

“You’re staying here?” Mando asked, equally confused as you were.

“Well, why not?” Karga asked. “Nevarro is a very fine planet, and now that the scum and villainy have been washed away, it’s very respectable again.”

“As a bounty hunter hive?” Mando asked, and you once again giggled at his bluntness.

“Some of my favorite people are bounty hunters,” Karga said with a bit of a chuckle.

“And perhaps”- he said while placing a hand on Cara’s shoulder- “this specimen of a soldier might consider joining our ranks.”

“And you, my friend”- he said while turning his attention back to Mando -“will be welcomed back into the Guild with open arms.”

Mando looked to the child in his arms, beaming up at him with utter adoration. He then looked to you at his side, and you gave him a smile that said I’m with you. With whatever you choose.

“I’m afraid I have more pressing mattors at hand,” he said, turning his head back to the child.

“Well you better keep watch of this one,” Karga said to Mando while gesturing to you.

“She could take your place at the Guild in a second,” he says, while snapping his fingers for emphasis.

“And she would do a damn good job,” he says, and you laugh in reply.

Mando gives a slight nod in agreement which only makes you laugh harder.

You can’t recall ever laughing this hard.

“Y/n,” Cara says, and you divert your attention back to her.

She is trying to look at you, but she just can’t meet your gaze.

“Listen… I… I’m really sorry. The Empire hurt me a lot and I just couldn’t…” she chokes out.

You could tell she was trying to apologize to you. For when your identity got revealed, for doubting your loyalty, or anything in between. She was obviously struggling, so you decided to help her along.

“Cara,” you said, and her eyes met yours.

“Your reaction was perfectly understandable. Truly. There is nothing to be sorry for,” you say, and a flash of relief skates over her eyes.

“I just saw how you were with Mando and the kid today and I…. I owed you an apology,” she said, and you smiled at her.

“Thank you, Cara. I’m glad we could come to an understanding,” you respond, and she smiles back at you. A genuine, relieved smile.

“As am I,” she says while leaning forward to caress the child’s ear.

“Take care of this little one,” Cara said to you and Mando. You gave her a respectful nod, acting as a promise that you would.

“Or maybe,” Karga added, “it will take care of you.”

You looked to Mando with a light smile, and you could tell he was grinning too.

The weight of guilt and shame had been lifted off of you. The people you cared for most forgave you. They looked at what you did right in the eyes, but looked past it, and saw you. You were sure it would take some time for them to completely trust you, but they were willing to try.

You couldn’t ask for anything more.

Tag list:

@leahkenobi @pinkninja200 @farfromjustordinary @440mxs-wife @bookloverfilmoholic @impala1967666

[bratkook]

like you used to. jjk

“So kill me like you used to...”

part two.

pairing. ex boyfriend!jungkook x reader genre. angst, mentions of smut, toxic exes warnings. very toxic depictions of relationships, hints at infidelity, drunken mistakes, they’re both very toxic for each other and just can’t stay away, brief mentions of smut word count. 2.9k note. this is just a lump of angst that my mind conjured at 1am last night, i just love angst and messy relationships that are destined to fail 😌(its not edited so if u see a typo no u dont)

It always started with a phone call. 

Whether it was from you or him always changed. Sometimes he’d get the call at two in the morning, vision blurry as he brought the phone to his face and saw your name illuminated on the screen, that old goofy selfie you had together still set as your contact photo. He’d hesitate for a moment just to keep you on your toes before pressing accept, already getting up and putting pants on because he knew just what you were calling for. 

Tonight was your turn to be on the receiving end, laying in bed comfortably as you scrolled through random posts to try to help you sleep, the flash of his face fills your phone, it’s a random close up photo of his eyes staring right into the camera, crinkled up in a smile. Even though his name is changed in your contacts, no longer having the cute bunny emoji tacked to the end, you know you’ll still pick up in a heartbeat. And you do. 

The second you press accept you’re met with the familiar sound of his voice, slurred and thick as he speaks so jumbled up you would barely be able to understand him if you didn’t already know what he was saying. It was the same things he always said whenever he got like this, proclamations of love that only cut up your freshly scabbed over wounds, salt rubbing into them when he cries about how he misses you, promises to change. 

They get cut off when the phone is yanked away from his grasp, the second familiar voice belonging to his buddy Yugyeom now speaking into the receiver. “You gotta pick him up Y/N.”

The annoyance is evident in his voice, the babbling of Jungkook still heard in the background along with the dull beat of whatever place they were outside of. 

“He’s not my responsibility Yugyeom.”

He simply sighs into the phone, staring at his mess of a friend before rubbing his jaw, sore and aching from where he had just been socked after attempting to force him into an uber. “Yeah well he won’t let anyone else take him home, he’s drunk as fuck. I’ll send you the location.”

Not waiting for a response he hangs up and sends you a pin of where they’re at, thrusting the phone back into his friend’s hands before getting into that uber and leaving Jungkook alone while he whines against the dirty bar wall, crouching down onto the filthy sidewalk as the car drove off. 

Yugyeom knew you would come to his rescue like you always did, never once saying no and letting Jungkook fend for himself because on the rare occasions where you’d call him drunk and crying he’d do the same. 

Getting into the car still dressed in your pajamas, shoes thrown on without being laced up, hair still messy, it felt like routine now from how often it happened. Jungkook called you sober, text you while in a sane state of mind, but without fail at least once a month he’d get absolutely shit faced and call you, leaving you what he thought were heartfelt voicemails if by some chance you didn’t answer. 

It was the same bar every time, a bar you used to frequent with him, knowing the location and all the small side streets to get you there without needing directions. Doing this felt like such a normal part of your life it almost made you forget that you and Jungkook weren’t together anymore. It’s been a year since you split and you still find yourself thinking if things could be different. 

Would it have been best if you never confessed to each other, never admitted to the small inkling of a crush before it was able to fully blossom? It was hard not to wonder how different life would be now if you had walked away the first time things went south, if he had walked away after the first argument. 

Whenever he called you, pulled you in with those drunken promises it was easy to convince yourself that your relationship was perfect, that it was worth all of the struggles. Your brain morphed each fight, each time you cried alone, twisted it around and molded it to make it easier to consume, easier to believe you were meant to be. 

You thought you were soulmates, and maybe you were, two people destined to be together, meeting at the wrong time, under the wrong circumstances. What was meant to be perfect puzzle pieces connected had slowly turned into jagged edges that no longer clicked regardless of how hard you tried to jam them together, foolishly thinking you could spill your love into the gaps to mend the spaces, making the pieces whole once more. 

Love was never enough. 

Love made you stupid, made you blind and gullible, smiling through lies to avoid arguments, going to bed angry until he was hovering over you, coaxing you into forgiveness with soft kisses and gentle touches. It always went this way, regardless of who’s fault it was without fail he’d end up slot between your legs, the only time the puzzle pieces connected perfectly, allowing him to fuck you as if he’d never see you again. Murmurs of love and adoration were passed between panting breaths, sloppy kisses, shared moans to mask the empty promises you made every time.

Staying away from each other was a hard habit to kick, the two of you stuck on an endless game of seesaw, neither of you having the guts to get off and move on. All it took was a simple drunk phone call for you to go his way, the slur of his voice as he cries into the receiver about how much he loved you, missed you, needed you next to him, wanted to try again. It reeled you in so easily, winding you up until you were hauling your sloppy ex boyfriend off the dirty floor and into your small car. 

He remembers none of this, he never did, not fully anyways. Small tidbits of words he said flash in his mind as he comes to, drool on his cheek and neck sore from the unfortunate position he had slept in, groggy and unaware of his surroundings. 

He knew your apartment too well, recognized the green wall he had helped you paint, now holding endless pictures of you and your friends. None of Jungkook anymore. 

All of those photos were gone now, not burned or shredded in some ritual to get over him, simply tucked into a box and shoved so far into your closet you hoped you would forget it. You never did of course, the way the box laid dust free made it clear how often you pulled it out and sorted through the photos whenever you had too much wine, whenever you had off days where you just felt so alone and wished you could go back to the times you had convinced yourself were better. They weren’t, you knew they weren’t once you sobered up and balanced out your emotions.

Jungkook doesn’t feel bothered that not a trace of him remained visible in your home, he knew his presence lingered in the cracks, buried so deep in the crevices of your mind he knew you would always think of him. 

He groans softly as his eyes roam the interior of your home, the throbbing in his temples making him stop and shut his lids, not needing to analyze the place he was at less than two weeks ago when you had called him over. Jungkook briefly wonders if he should sneak his way out, not used to waking up on the couch instead of in your bed right beside you, maybe he had said something last night that crossed the line and landed him on the couch as a punishment. 

As you finally emerge from your room his plan of escape is put to a stop, his eyes gravitating towards your bedroom door, seeing the way you cautiously step out. Having heard Jungkook wake up since you had already been awake for the past hour, your body not allowing you to sleep while knowing he was in the other room, it took a few minutes of courage before you were able to face him. 

Spotting him on your couch shows how much he doesn’t belong, the pinned leather jacket he wore looking so harsh against the light coloring of your furniture, his dark disheveled hair contrasting with the tidy way you organized your apartment. He senses it, the skin crawling sensation that spreads the longer you stare at him, how he felt so out of place somewhere he used to call home at one point. 

“Thank you for picking me up.” He chooses to break the silence, voice raspy, his internal self screaming at him for always doing this. His eyes are sincere, genuinely meaning it, knowing just how messy he got when he had too much to drink, how his friends could never handle him when he crossed the line and began to call for you. 

Like always his words were routine so he expects it when you huff and say, “You need better friends Jungkook.”

“I know.” Because he did, he knew his friends enabled him, riled him up and once he became too much they pushed him onto you, knowing Jungkook’s grip on you was still too strong for you to ever say no. 

“What if I hadn’t picked you up? Would they have left you on the side of the bar to fend for yourself?”

“Probably,” he shrugs, from past experiences he knows very well they would have. His friends had dealt with Jungkook crying over you far too much, their patience fully stamped out, no longer able to tolerate him when he became like this. 

Not even realizing when he begins to smile as he thought of the nights you didn’t pick up, how he had ended up in the most random locations because he refused to go home to a place you weren’t, he snaps out of it when you scoff. “It’s not funny Jungkook, you could have gotten hurt or something.”

There it was, the reason you were upset. Not because he had called you and spewed the same bullshit he always did, no that you could tolerate. You were upset, and worried, that you’d get a following call from someone stating he had injured himself while calling for you. 

“I know.”

You pause to breathe, his short responses not irking you like it should, arms crossed over your chest as you observe your ex boyfriend still sitting on the couch, looking like a scolded child. 

“You can’t call me anymore Jungkook.” How you have the nerve to say that to him is funny, acting as if ten days ago you weren’t the one doing this to him, telling him you missed him, securing your anchor around his foot and dragging him back under with you. 

This is the checklist you needed to go down, a formality of the morning after so he doesn’t mind it. Instead he frowns at the way you continue to say his name, the way it rolls off your tongue makes him wince, missing the way you’d call him Kookie, playful pet names like Bunny, something he swore he hated but secretly loved. Jungkook wished he could hear you say it again, humor you with that damned bunny eared headband he’d wear to hear you laugh, squeal as he posed and dance for whatever silly video you recorded as you shouted out the ridiculous nickname. 

The last time he heard those words spill out of your mouth had been too long ago. 

“I’m sorry.” he admits, he knew he had to stop, couldn’t continue to hold onto the past, knowing how wrong you were for each other but he wasn’t the only one. Those were the same words you told him ten days ago, apologizing with guilty eyes for asking him to come over when you were lonely, needing a familiar body to occupy the space next to you, wanting his hands to soothe you, make you feel whole again just for a night. 

Once the sun came up it was back to normal, the two of you having the repeat conversation you had every time, the exact one you were having now. A formality. Nothing more, just mindless words that you would both agree to just to move along, to make you both feel better, more secure with yourself until the next time the phone rang. 

Your heart twists in your chest as you look at him, the same toxic love you had for him brewing in your heart, spilling over and burning you but you ignore the pain, convince yourself you don’t feel it as you breathe in. That same rope latches around Jungkook’s ankle as you avert your eyes for a brief second before looking back at him with a small sigh. “Do you want breakfast? I know how you get when you have a hangover.”

He smiles for the first time, charming as always, looking up at you through the subtle waves in his hair. “I probably shouldn’t.”

You know this. He definitely shouldn’t because breakfast will turn into words exchanged, civil at first, flirty the next, a coin flipped to decide if a petty argument would begin or if you’d reminisce about the good times. Regardless of the outcome, what always followed ended with you moaning out his name as he rocked into you, those same empty promises spilling through his lips that you swallowed with a kiss. 

A brief moment of bliss, a small dose of the past that only serves to hurt you further but you crave it, loving the small rush that came with arguing, the roughness of his hands as he pushed you around before sliding home, burying his face into your neck as he broke you down all over again. 

Normally you’d try to convince him further, but as your mouth opens to protest you get flashes of the night before, how you had carried Jungkook up your flight of stairs, hearing him ramble about nonsense so slurred together you paid it no mind. You would have had him sleep in your bed beside you like you always did but when you fish his phone out and begin to slide his jacket off it buzzes to life. 

Always being nosey you type in his password, smiling when you realize it was still your old anniversary but when you unlock it and see a flood of messages from a girl named Natalie, calling him babe, asking where he was, the smile falls from your face as you start to snoop. 

It doesn’t take much scrolling through their thread of messages to easily discover she was his girlfriend, blissfully unaware that he was shit faced and calling you, confessing to his love for you while she laid at home and wondered if he was having fun with his friends. She reminded you of yourself, of the way you used to be with him and it left a sour feeling on your tongue. 

“Yeah you probably shouldn’t.” 

He stands up now, following you slowly as you approach the door, heavy boots thumping on the hardwood as he reluctantly steps closer to the exit. He doesn’t want to leave, wants you to try to convince him to stay, not knowing that you knew the dirty secret he was hiding buried in his phone. 

You don’t decide to tell him you know, it was pointless. That was just how Jungkook was wired, so much love to give he had to spread it out, give everyone a fair share of it, choosing to pretend he wasn’t being selfish. It was naive to believe it, to think all the love he held was strictly for you, it was why he was able to pull the hood over your eyes so easily. 

Even when you pull the door open and give him a tightlipped smile he knows you’ll still call him, forget all about Natalie when you’re lonely once more. So when you look him in the eyes and sigh, “Goodbye Jungkook.” He knows it’s not for long, maybe a week or so, maybe less. 

He simply smiles, stuffing his hands into his jeans as he shuffles out, turning to face you as he steps backwards. “See you later Y/N.” And his words sting in a way he doesn’t mean, knowing just how right he was. 

Jungkook would never mind how heavy the anchor you hooked on his ankle was because he knew you would forever be a sucker for him. 

As you shut the door behind you it feels like a small weight starts to hang from your shoulders, the same tug starting from your chest, guiding you into your room until you’re pulling out the cursed box and sorting through those damned photos. With stinging eyes you flip through them for a moment, focusing on all the laughs captured on film, blurry vision moving to your phone beside you, hands already itching to call him again. 

It’s as if he knows, still inside your building, lingering in the lobby to give you a moment and it doesn’t take long. Once his phone starts to vibrate he smiles, staring at the photo of you as you call him like clockwork. With a clear of his throat he answers the phone, barely saying hello before he hears a small sniffle through the speaker. 

“I miss you Kookie.” 

Jungkook lets his eyes shut as he presses the elevator button, loving the feeling of being needed by you, already knowing to head back up because this was routine. 

“I know you do baby, I’ll be right up.”

And just like that you’re once again desperately trying to make those stupid puzzle pieces fit together, hoping that maybe this time love would be enough.

[soobasaur]

buzzfeed said i like-like you..

— a lee felix x au

(half felix pov half y/n pov)

lee felix x gender!neutral reader genre: best friends to lovers

a/n: this is mainly in felix’s pov since i thought it would fit better, the next felix au will be in y/n’s pov (⊃｡•́‿•̀｡)⊃ and if you have any requests just ask away and i’ll try my best <3

« masterlist

felix was currently very calm!! c a l m!!

certainly not panicking, nope not him!

it started when he flopped onto his bed in defeat after giving up on his art history essay

he could only analyze medieval paintings for so long >:((

so he ended up clicking on his folder of bookmarks and scrolling for the buzzfeed quiz one

dont judge him it was very relaxing !!

he did a couple weird ones like ‘what type of bread are you?’ (he was a challah bread apparently?!) and ‘what is your horror movie death scene?’ (he was going to be murdered!!)

he started clicking on the recommended ones until he landed on the romance section

he usually ignored these since they were typically very boring but just for the sake of it he chose one titled ‘are you in love with your best friend?

he scoffed as he let the quiz load and his mind wandered off to you

you and felix had met in grade school due to the both of you being the new kids and immediately being stuck together since no other kids wanted anything to do with you

and every since then you had been glued to the hip

he loved you sure, but being in love with you? he didn’t think he was.. he wouldn’t be opposed to it though

‘do you think your best friend is beautiful?’

obviously!! felix thought, choosing said option, how could he not? u were the most ethereal person he had ever been blessed to see, other then himself of course

‘when you get into arguments, are you reluctant to apologize and end it quickly or wait for them to apologize first?’

felix had to think about this one

you both didn’t rlly fight, it was usually over stupid things like the both of you needing to take care of yourselves more and such

but felix found himself apologizing more since he knew you were too stubborn to make the first move even if you wanted to

and whenever he did apologize you always broke down and did the same

he chose ‘i apologize first to get it over with’

‘do you often cuddle and kiss your best friend?’

doesnt everyone? felix thought, hovering his cursor over ‘duh!’

he often gave you cheek kisses and pulled you into hugs whenever he saw you, even if you were always shy and flustered afterwards

he thought it was cute to see you like that

and you often fell asleep in his bed during movie nights and the both of you woke up tangled into one another

now that he thought about it he didn’t really kiss his other best friends, he shuddered at the thought

‘would you get jealous if someone else were to kiss your best friend?’

felix frowned at the mere thought of someone else kissing you

only he could give you cheek kisses goddamnit !!

he wouldn’t be mad if jisung got kisses from someone else though, he’d be happy his friend had found a partner

but if you found a partner...he didn’t know how to feel about that

it would fall between wanting you to be happy and he should be making you happy

he quickly filled out the question and moved on, that was too much for him

the rest of the questions were things like ‘do you know their favorite color?’ ‘do you have their birthday memorized?’ (yes to both!)

he clicked done and waited for his old laptop to boot up the results

oh...O H

WTF ?/$:&:@;

felix squinted at screen once more before pulling up a google tab

he went through multiple wikihow articles before just shutting down his laptop and taking his head into his hands

did he have a crush on you??? weren’t crushes supposed to give you butterflies and shit?

well...he did get butterflies whenever you complimented him,,,

oh shit he did have a crush on you

he dove headfirst into his pillow and kicked his legs before sitting up, coming to a conclusion

he couldn’t just hold this vital piece of information to himself!!

and that’s how felix found himself in front of your dorm building, freezing in nothing but basketball shorts and a hoodie he was pretty sure he stole from you

felix came barreling towards you, picking you up in a hug despite his tiny size

once he finally stopped spinning you and set you down was when you have him a confused look

“your welcome over whenever but why the sudden visit at 3am?” you ask, leading felix towards your dorm room

“fun news!! i realized i’m in love with you, thanks to a buzzfeed quiz!” he answered, doing jazz hands as you locked the dorm door behind you

“you’re...what now?” questioning if you heard right, ignoring your heart beat thumping loudly against your chest

“yeah like, i’m in love with you and realized it just now so i came here to tell you and-,”

/!&:@:@;@;@@, you were malfunctioning

how was?? felix so?? casual?? about this??

u had known you were in love with him since like /forever/ aND THIS MF JUST REALIZED A MINUTE AGO??

and you told him so, stalking towards him and reaching him in just two strides, shaking his shoulders

“what took you so long oh my god-,”

“wait does this mean you feel the same? cus if not it’s cool we can be homies ahah-,”

you did the cliche thing where you shut him up with a kiss

it made him go ∴◠‿◠∴

“we are not homies-,”

“we’re homies with benefits!”

*deep sigh*

from then on your relationship didn’t change that much

you were just best friends who know kissed one another and made out

bonus: headcanons

felix took on a new routine of coming over to your place at the ass crack of dawn

it drove you mad but you never slept anyways so you always opened the door

which was why felix came over in the first place!! to seduce you into a healthy sleeping schedule ;)

“y/n you would look so good tucked into your covers, all warm and cuddly as i hug you close-,”

“are you really trying to seduce me into sleeping right now??”

“...well is it working?” felix winked

“...maybe.”

(side note felix’s morning voice was to die for so if staying up late got felix to come over then that was another excuse for you to not sleep)

and since he was a dance major you always bought him bouquets and gifts after every single showcase

one time you got him a bunch of red roses and when you guys went back to his place he stuck one in his mouth and pulled you into a slow dance

it didn’t last very long though cus a thorn was left on the stem and caught his lip and you ended up having to help stop the bleeding

he still gave you a smile throughout it all though

“you look so creepy smiling with a mouthful of blood-,”

which made him smile even bigger

college with your best friend was fun but was even more fun with your boyfriend

the two of you often went on double dates with your friends jeongin and jisung, who recently got together, and had a blast going to parties

felix was a clingy drunk

if you thought he was clingy before just you wait

he would latch onto your arm like a koala and let you drag him around

and he would back hug you as you walked around

it was endearing though so you always let him get away with it

but if felix got too much to drink all hell broke loose

you still have flashbacks to that one time he started stripping on the pool table

you got a nice sight of his abs but so did everyone else !!

felix was willing to do anything with you and vice versa

if you even had the smallest inconvenience he was there to help

like that one time your coffee wouldn’t come out of the vending machine he karate kicked it until it did, and dragging you to run away when he spotted a hall monitor walking towards you

all in all he made you happy

it was perfect :’)

thank you for reading !!

[loneberry]

time's up

Thursday is my last day in psychoanalysis with my analyst of 7.5 years. I’ve been weeping all month preparing for this moment. It’s shocking to me. How hard this is. Like a death that can’t be assimilated through language. I feel totally aphasic in the face of this rupture, an infant, a soon-to-be psychic orphan. I wasted so much time on bullshit, recounting the meaningless trivia of my days, denying the finitude of time. I didn’t go deep enough and now it’s too late. The unanalyzed dreams. I didn’t pay attention. But now I want to remember everything, every word that was said, every detail of my analyst’s office. Endings have a way of igniting, in our hearts, a longing for everything that was, and sadness for all that will never be, what we were too afraid to say. 

I'll miss this office-womb. Not pictured: the leather couch off to the right.

I started psychoanalysis because I wanted to choose life, but I couldn’t do it on my own. I was losing that fight. Who was I when I washed up on the shores of my analyst’s office, a shattered thing, my life in pieces. There was a powerful voice in my head that said, there’s no hope for me—I see no future for myself. Every step I took toward life was in defiance of that voice. Fighting that voice every waking moment siphoned all my energy. How could I get out from under that yoke? It seemed I never would. But I had to try. After a string of crappy therapists, failed neurofeedback and general disillusionment with psychiatry, I took the plunge and signed up for analysis 4 days a week. My friend who was studying the history of psychoanalysis told me about the availability of sliding scale analysis with candidates at the Boston Psychoanalytic Society and Institute. Some doubted it would do me any good, as I was an inveterate ruminator, prone to over-analyzing and getting stuck in thought loops. Even when I was partially hospitalized at McLean, my caseworker told me that psychoanalysis would do me no good, that it was an “excuse” for me to stay unwell. The caseworker was a partisan of behaviorism who believed that trauma could be overcome by memorizing a list of cognitive distortions. I stuck with analysis anyway. Gradually, the voice that had caused me so much suffering went away. It’s curious to hear traces of that voice when I read old journals now. 

I’m not who I was when I began. I remember the very beginning, before I was on the couch, the box of tissues, the orchids, the drapes, the meticulously arranged copies of the New Yorker on the table in the waiting area, the woman who went before me, who I nicknamed The Melancholic Jogger. I remember the commute to my analyst’s office—by bus, train, and bicycle, over the Charles River—the funkily dressed commuter who was always reading a good book at the central square bus stop, how I wanted to talk to her, but never did, thinking there was time to do it later (then the pandemic hit). I remember the crocuses and snowdrops of Commonwealth Ave, the first hint of spring, the walks along the Muddy River to the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum after analysis, the reeds swaying in the breeze, my tears, the seeds of the cottonwoods blowing across the sky while I listened to Arvo Pärt’s De Profundis. 

I cannot convey how desperate I was in those days. It sounds like hyperbole when I run around saying “psychoanalysis saved my life,” but it did and I’ll forever be an evangelist. Words are inadequate to the task of expressing my gratitude. I know we’re primed to think of our analysts as mere screens to receive the transference, but fuck, I’m gonna really miss my analyst. She’s been my rock. She’s shepherded me through difficult times. She’s smart and witty, with a sense of humor well-suited to my disposition. I can hear her voice when she says zingers like, “When it comes to yourself, you’re like a judge in a Kafka novel!” I sob trying to look up analysts in LA. Who could ever replace The Crame (as A and I affectionately call her)? She says I can take her with me. I know I will but in the moment it’s hard for me to hear such things. I’ve never been good at losing my objects, can’t seem to do it with grace, to let go with equanimity. On Thursday I’ll close the computer screen for the last time. At the end of every session, since the first day, I’ve said, “I’ll see you [insert day].” Something about this ritual of continuity comforts me. God, I’m sobbing my eyes out writing this. Today I said, “I’ll see you Thursday.” It was the last time. 

[kittydcoxx]

Stay with Me.

KAEYA X READER.

Warnings: light angst/heartbreak but nothing bad (happy ending)

The tavern was as crowded as usual, and by that meaning almost completely baren for a rainy Wednesday afternoon. As you order a apple cider from Charles, the tavern door bell rings and you instinctively turn to check.

"Ah~ it is pouring out, I need a drink to combat the dissapointment of getting my fur cape wet."

Kaeya. Of course he wasnt the last person you'd expect to see open the tavern doors, he just wasnt much of a "afternoon delight" type drinker. Still, you stare as he tries to cooly swipe off the wet rain from his uniform as he walks towards the counter and takes a seat next to you.

"Well, well! Good afternoon y/n! What a suprise to see a beauty such as yourself here at this hour."

He raises an eyebrow and smirks as he turns to look straight ahead and run his fingers through his hair, not allowing time for you to respond before he has a drink in his hand.

"Afternoon Captain,"

You face him and smirk with the same intensity of flirty-ness as he just had.

"Of course you would be surprised to see me at this hour, you usually drink yourself to sleep before i order a evening drink."

You chuckle and look straight ahead and take a swig of your beverage, the confidence of your little witty come back replays as the cider burns your throat.

"Oh ho, well thats quite the attitude! I must ask, whats the purpose of this?"

"Hmm?"

"The occasion? I've never seen you drink three days in a row, I've been sober enough to pay attention to that."

The truth is, the last few days you've been at a bit of a crossroads. You know you and the Cavalry Captain share feelings, but you have a job offer in Natlan. This job is a dream to you, ever since you were a child. You could never dream of passing this opportunity, but you question if this possible romance could be the first significant one. You've been meaning to bring it up to him, but recently you just havent seen enough of him to bring up the subject. As a result, you turned to the more than occassional drink at the tavern to brighten your mood from the decision that faces you.

"Well then if you're interested, it actually... might concern you."

Your face is flushed red due to nerves, of course it doesnt directly concern him since nothing astronomical has occured in order to absolutely weigh your decision based on a man, but you didnt want to leave without warning.

"I see, well, we haven't..." His cheeks grow the slightest bit red as his eyes skip to look around then back at you.

"we haven't progressed to that yet, have we? I mean, you're not pregnant are you?"

"What?!" You're taken aback by the direct-ness of his statement, about the fact that he thought it could even have been a possibility. Was it confirming your suspicions of him returning feelings? "No, i- its not that! That is out of the question completely!" You yelp as you shake your hands as a frantic meaning of saying "Absolutely no way".

"Of course! of course.. i just figured i'd ask in case, but i guess drinking for a few days regularly isnt particularly healthy for a baby."

You roll your eyes and take another swig. Oh boy.

"It's actually more of an advice thing, i suppose."

"Ah~ well! lets discuss then, hm!" He happily takes a sip of his wine, his face surprisingly relieved.

"So? What do you need the great Master Kaeya's guidance on?" He smiles and giggles slightly.

"Actually, I'd like to take this outside."

"But its raining cats and-"

"Outside. please."

Your tone picks up more aggresively and he gets the memo. He takes one more sip of his beverage and you do the same with yours. You pay Charles and meet Kaeya right at the door.

"Get ready for the rain, sweetheart"

Your heart jumps as he grabs your wrist and swings open the door, pulling you with him down the street, stopping at a small archway behind a building, big enough to comfortably converse without being cramped or drenched.

"Now, where were we?"

"right.. well.." You look down and fidget with your thumbs, only to look back up at him and see him gazing into your eyes, examining your soul and what felt like your heart. Did he already know? It sure felt like it.

"I have a big decision to make, but i want to ask you before i come to a concrete decision."

He nods as a sign to continue talking, acknkowledging his position in helping you decide.

"I might have to move away. To natlan more specifically. I've recieved a dream~ job offer that i simply cant refuse, unless i was faced with new circumstances here in Mondstadt."

"Hm, And how do i play a role in this?" He asks as he folds his arms and leans back against the stone wall.

You explain to him his part, and he lets you talk until you are completely finished. you tell him your feelings, your worries, your doubts, and your hopes. Every single one that included him in the package. He looks at you sternly the whole time, but he looks hurt at the same time and you wonder why.

"Well, i honestly dont know what to say to this y/n. You know i cant leave Mondstadt if we were to persue eachother."

"I know."

"Then why bother telling me? Why not just leave, hm? Before damage could be done? before you told me all this, confirmed my hopes in our relationship but crushed it with the fact that you 'might' leave? You should have just spared me and left!"

He looks emotional and teary eyed, much more that you're used to seeing from a man who held such a cool composure 24/7. Have you hurt him that much? Does he hate you?

"I can always stay if you wan-"

"No. Its your dream job, and you shouldnt pass it off. I just cant promise that i'll wait for you."

He steps closer to you, inches from your face. His breath is warm and it contrasts with the cold rainy air. He slowly takes your hand and hold it in his, then lands a soft passionate kiss onto your lips. A few seconds of the kiss pass and he breaks for air and looks at you, making strong magnetic eye contact with you.

"Y/n, I can't wait for you."

"You dont have to. I can stay."

He runs his hands up your arms and grips firmly onto your shoulders and kisses you again, and when he pulls back he lets out a heavy sigh.

"There's no staying, just be safe. Please."

Your throat swells like a rock is stuck and your eyes burn hot along with your ears. You cant muster any words, you just stand there maintaining a sorrow eye contact for a few seconds.

As you both stare in silence, he slowly lets go of you, and as soon as his hands depart from yours, he turns and walks out and into the road. The further he walks and fades from your vision, the further you slide down the wall until your behind hits the wet floor as you curl up to your knees. Hard, Hot tears stream steadily down your cheeks as you hide your head in your knees, sobbing hard yet silently. Your heart aches and your stomach churns.

You want to run and look for him, grab him by the waist and embrace him in a hug from behind as you cry against his back, but he has already erased you from his plethora of memories as he sulks in his room with a drink. The night is weary and so are you. You walk home, replaying the scene in your mind over and over, and the instant you step into your home, you fall to your knees and sob once more.

You dont even close the door behind you. You cant do anything but cry, you had no idea you felt so strongly for Kaeya, but you had to put it all behind you.

He probably had.

What feels like an hour or two goes by and you barely made it to the couch, where you lay sprawled out, half on the couch and half not as you stare into empty space, thinking of nothing but everything at once. Why did his mood snap so quickly? Why did he cut you off? Was it self defense? What could he gain by pushing you away? You had no clue, but you didn't want to dwell on it and start crying again, so you just lay there trying to fall asleep.

Suddenly, a warm, slender hand grazes your back and rubs up and down softly.

"I'm sorry."

You jolt a little, but you dont get up immediately.

"How long have you been like this? Its almost night again y/n. Have you gotten up at all!? Your door was wide open, I was worried."

No response from you as you try to analyze the voice. It sounds like Kaeya, but you had remind yourself that he wanted nothing to do with you.

The man sighs and walks away. A hallucination for sure, you thought. The male comes back and lifts you by the shoulders. He sits on the couch and then lays your head onto his lap.

You look up and are met with blue eyes, one scarred and one as normal as you're used to seeing on him, though both glossy as if about to cry.

"Kaeya?"

"Mhm. Sit up Darling, you need to drink water."

You obey and sit close beside him, sipping the water he hands you with both hands on the glass like a child. He puts his arm around you and his hand on your head and gives you a soft yet quite long kiss on the head as you finish your water.

"Im sorry. We can work something out. I know that i shouldn't.. I can't push you away."

You dont fight his embrace as it gets firmer, and his body trembles slightly as if he is crying.

"Do you want me to stay?" you ask sheepishly.

"My dear, its up to you what you want. I'll follow you in whatever you decide. Im choosing to persue you, the rest is yours to seal."

"I want to stay." you state calmly.

"As you wish." He eyes your empty glass of water and gets up to pour you some more. When he comes back you sit against him again, and drink the glass empty, then put the glass on the coffee table and lay your head on his lap.  

"Sleepy?"

"Mhm.."

He chuckles and holds you as you fall asleep, giving you tender kisses all over your face. When you fall asleep, he carries you bridal style upstairs to your room and tucks you into your bed. For a moment he stands there and ponders leaving you to rest, but the guilt of the words he said yesterday and seeing your state today convinced him to stay at your side. He walks to the other side of the bed and crawls in beside you, wrapping his arms around your waist and gives you one more peck before falling asleep.

You wake up once in the middle of the night to use the restroom, and when you come back to your room you're awake enough to process the fact that Kaeya was indeed in your bed. You crawl up into where you were in the bed before but this time facing him. You run your fingers along his face, feeling every bone and inch of his smooth skin, his tan beauty enhanced by the glow of the moonlight that peeked in through the window across the room from the bed. Your run your fingers down his hair and admire how his hair falls down his body. You've only been this close to him once, but never had you touched him like this. Your face was red and your smile was definitely pronounced, and as you stroke his cheek his eyes slowly open to see your expression.

"Good morning y/n~" he smiles and wraps his arms around you softly.

"How did you sleep?"

"Actually, its midnight."

"Oh, i see. Well, lets fall back asleep shall we? Or are you wide awake?"

You don't respond immediately but instead wrap your arms around him and hide your face in the crook of his neck.

"Back to sleep.."

He chuckles and brings you closer to his body, rubbing your back and stroking your hair until you both are hazy and about to fall asleep.

"I love you..." you whisper, half aware of what you just said and half not.

He pauses for a second, then gently squeezes your body as if to be his response back.

"I love you too.." he whispers back, his words echo in your mind as you drift to sleep, your dreams filled with nothing but happiness and him. 

You would stay in Mondstadt, but occasionally take trips to Natlan for a few weeks, and would try to take Kaeya with you if he wasn't too busy. The two of you became inseperable, and quite the item for some time, the story of your romance left most who heard it in tears.

After every time you tell the story, he grips your hand and grabs your face softly making you look into his eye.

"I'm glad you stayed."

He says as he pulls you in for a tender kiss, which is usually embarrassing in public but you dont mind in this case, because it was of genuine emotion and not of his flirtatious teasing.

You really do love him.

NOTES!!!!!!!!!!!

This was my first fanfic LMAO