#and not actually from someone who actually fucking knows anything about neurodivergent people let alone actually autistic or ADHD individual

[what-the-fuck-khr]

if I have to see another fucking video that calls me a fucking neurospicy/neurospicies I will personally find the ASMRtist in question and rip their fucking hands off

[arliedraws]

All this anti-Remus talk is making me like him even more 😂

I love that he’s a character who is so fixated on image and how he comes off. He’s such a cold person! Detached! Won’t form close bonds! Like…his loving parents fucked him up by keeping him away from all other children until Hogwarts. I love how this plays into his character again and again and again.

I put the rest under the cut because it gets a bit tangential, but whatever, I was feeling a bit heated.

I feel like Remus doesn’t actually know how to make friends—he has let everyone come to him. James and Sirius formed their little group, and Remus has always been in awe of what friends will do FOR him. What did Remus do for his friends? Maybe Remus learns how to accept love, but he is not very good at giving it back.

It’s so interesting to me that Remus doesn’t become Harry’s go-to even after they spent hours together. Harry allows Remus to see his most vulnerable side, and Remus doesn’t reciprocate even after the truth comes out. At the very least, he could write Harry. He could visit Harry in the summer.

But I actually LOVE this about Remus. I love that he’s written as a warm, inviting sort of person when he’s actually someone who is terrified of forming close bonds. No one is allowed to see the real Lupin, and once someone has seen a part of himself he doesn’t like, he immediately detaches himself and disappears. Remus wants to appear in control of himself because he is concerned more about his image than doing the right thing. At the end of PoA, I’m sure he’s upset that he nearly killed Harry and co, obviously, but more importantly, he’s embarrassed that he lost control. If he really cared about the safety of students, he would have revealed Sirius’s disguise to Dumbledore as soon as Sirius escaped Azkaban.

The point of his character is “what you see on the surface is not necessarily what lies below.” It’s one of the most salient themes of PoA.

Anyway, it’s uncomfortable! So many people want to make Remus a “model of marginalization” - who, depending on the fanon, falls on one end of the spectrum which is “ohhhh poor disabled guy :((( he can’t do anything because he’s a pathetic baby” or “look how hot and tall and rational and intelligent he is despite his poverty/disability!!!!”

It’s SO INFANTILIZING. I don’t think Remus is a bad guy or a good guy—I think that his particularly negative character traits are a result of prejudice towards his condition, his upbringing, and his internalized prejudice towards werewolves. So I am not saying he’s a complete asshole. Obviously. My point, though, is that he has friends who support him in school, particularly James, who break the law and risk torture prison (and bodily harm from a werewolf) to support him.* And Remus…he does not do much to reciprocate that sort of love. The very least he can do for James is to check in on Harry (he doesn’t even need to say hi—just literally see that he’s ok!). James risked his life for Remus, and Remus won’t risk Dumbledore’s disapproval to reciprocate.

He continually does the LEAST for Harry. Harry has to beg him to teach him the Patronus Charm. And when Harry is clearly craving his parents’ voices as they’re dying, Remus doesn’t even offer a nugget of “ohhhh, gosh, Harry, let’s give you some good stories about your dad, ok?”

This is a cold, broken man who has convinced himself that being alone is safe because you can never be rejected. This is Remus’s greatest fear. He’s the teacher that needs to be liked but he hides behind professionalism when it suits him. His “nice guy” traits are a fucking ACT. I want people to explore more about his negative traits! He blames his condition when people get too close, and when people manage to climb his walls to try to get close to him, he pushes them away.

Chronic illness does not make you a good person—it just makes life harder. Remus accepts love and support from his friends—and yes, they SHOULD give him love and support because this is what we owe each other, but Remus also owes his friends love and support. It’ll look different from how James, Sirius, and Peter can support him, but you don’t get to just take from your friends without giving back. Your friends are not there to be your mommy. Sometimes, you’ll go through periods where your friends are holding you up and you just need to accept that they don’t resent you for it, but if you’re willing to accept help, you’d better be willing to return it later. As someone who has a few people in their life who take and take and give little in return, I can tell you, it starts to feel like your only purpose is to carry them on your shoulders. And man, it’s fucking exhausting. Sometimes I need to be carried too.

I have no idea how Remus behaved at Hogwarts regarding his friends on a day to day basis because Harry never sees evidence of this, but we see him as an adult who is unwilling to support his friend’s orphaned kid in ANY meaningful way…unless Harry begs him. In the end, Remus is still an autonomous adult and Harry is a child in need. In this situation, at the bare minimum, Remus has the power to pick up a pen and write.

So why don’t we see this more in fic? You all know I’m a Sirius stan, but I am CONSTANTLY critiquing Sirius’s relationship with masculinity. Sirius is my favorite character, and I LOVE exploring the uncomfortable parts of him—he’s cold when he perceives that he has been emasculated, even belittling Harry when he’s insulted. He’ll put himself in danger to protect Harry when all Harry really wants is for Sirius to be there for him (which Sirius can’t do in OotP). These are the bits that make me queasy—and I love exploring them!

Why not explore the ugly parts of Remus? You say you want interesting, well-rounded characters with chronic illness/disabilities/neurodivergence? Then let them be interesting. Make them complicated and embrace the icky parts of them. If you want, explore how society has created a cold, sad, wet noodle Remus and then GIVE HIM A PATH TO GROWTH. Like… if you don’t like these parts, give him scenarios so he can grow and become a better person.

Anyway, stop fucking throwing around words like “ableism” when you hear something you don’t like about a character. You don’t know the real person behind their username. Most of us here have some sort of disability/neurodivergence/chronic illness, etc, so stop fucking assuming we’re Chad Abled-Bodied or Karen Neurotypical, ffs.

It’s fucking insulting and infantilizing that we can’t discuss complexity in characters who are marginalized in their society. By excusing all of their less than cute actions, you’re essentially saying, “This is not a full human being with a full range of emotion and flaws—they are a perfect little baby who doesn’t deserve reproach, who can do whatever he wants!”

But that’s just me, I guess.

—

* (Also, side note, Moony the werewolf could have very well killed any one of them. Additionally, the theory that Moony couldn’t hurt them in Animagus form was ONLY A THEORY. It might not have worked at ALL and they risked their lives to test it.)

[olderthannetfic]

Nothing turns me off from a fanfic faster than a fear of emotional sincerity. There's so much irony, so many jokes, so many "ugh that was awkward" "I know right" after scenes that could have been touching had they not just been undermined, and a thorough coating of snark and sarcasm over an alarming number of protagonists. My fandom lends itself well to OCs and I've read some wonderful, one of a kind OCs as a result. I've also read a lot of the above, whatever you'd like to term that sort of story. I find it deeply uninspiring. How am I meant to be interested in a story when the author isn't? How am I supposed to get deeply invested in this thing when we have to punctuate everything with quips? Sometimes I just want a story where not everyone feels like they're saying lines for the movie trailers and memes these fics will never actually get.

There's so much potential out there in the setting for all kinds of characters. I shouldn't be able to take quotes from all of these OCs in all these different roles and have them read in that same irreverent, I-am-quipping-in-the-war-zone tone to such a degree that any line could come from all of them.

And when I mentioned this to a friend they assumed that meant I wanted boring heroes. No. Too much of anything makes that the boring, predictable thing. I want weird. Give me a very sincere hero who is also mildly out of touch with reality and talks to bugs but whose pacifism will not extend to you if you touch his loved ones. Give me a hot grandpa who's too old for snarky shit and wants to hash things out like an adult and relearns how to see the world with wonder in his eyes. Give me a heroine who's neurodivergent and nice and also really good at a handful of things that bring her actual joy instead of snarky cool girl semi-joy. Just. Any break from the latest brunette white cis culturally Christian atheist snarky cool person who always has a line at the ready and doesn't let anything get under their skin no matter how much it would be really weird for it to not matter to them, actually and how completely understandable it would be to let them feel something.

A scene that lives rent free in my head is from a fanfic now deleted, but in which two characters just talk about their trauma and have a quiet moment. The canon character is comforted by the OC without any romantic undertones or intent. Nobody makes any jokes to break the tension. They just have a moment where one person leans on someone else because sometimes life is fucking hard and you just need someone else to tell you they've been there, they managed, you're not alone, they've got you.

Most fics in my fandom don't have that much sincerity in the entire story. And this thing I loved, this fandom I invested six years into, is finally just too dull of a sandbox to play in anymore. I don't like that. Nobody's taking any risks, even one as minor as emotional sincerity in fiction, which is arguably a lot safer a place to do that than reality.

I miss when my fandom was new and the OCs were some of the most baffling people you've ever had described to you with nonetheless well-written backstories going out to do shit they believed in.

--

Sincerity is terrifying for an author.

[goodluckclove]

On the Autonomy of Character (Or: How I Fucked Up and am Now Fucked)

Hi! It's me. It's Clove Gardener, the writer who was diagnosed as schizoaffective at age 12 but 15 years later was informed that they would've likely been entirely neurodivergent if not for the severe C-PTSD that those doctors in their childhood missed at the time. Oops. Turns out I just have a big imagination, and that's going to come across strong in what I have to talk about today.

I'm a big proponent of character autonomy in writing - always have been, always will be. I don't outline more than a loose conception of what I'd like to happen, but as I say that I know there's a chance that i might not. Because what I hold highest in my work is my sense of character, which often results in my characters being the ones that get to control what actually happens.

I hear a lot of writers allude to this in posts on here, but they don't go into detail. I'm going to try and explain what that means to me in an attempt to make the process make more sense to writers who prefer a bit more control and structure.

(edit: this is a ramble be warned)

For the most part it's not too obtrusive. I'll use my novel Blind Trust (E-Book available now, paperback hopefully coming out next week) as an example. There's a point in writing it that Edgar, our befuddled initial narrator, learned some information that would really come as as a shock to his love interest Scott.

Well, okay, I mused as I wrote it, he would want this to be a secret. I'll have to navigate that.

Counter to that thought, Edgar ended up telling Scott immediately. Literally, as soon as the two of them were alone. Because by then, even though I knew it would make more thematic sense, I had enough of a grasp on Edgar's character to know that he would not be able to keep this to himself.

That's usually what it looks like. Small ripples that change the current, but ultimately keep the boat riding easily. Then, a solid 100k into the sequel Migration Patterns (Also I just realized I hit 100k yay me), my cast made the biggest executive decision of the story so far.

Let me explain. Where I'm at right now, Katy Delaney and her brother are in Nebraska, and they have to drive a few states over to Oregon. The problem is that Katy is currently having her brother's house patrolled constantly by guards from Stillrush Outreach Center, the closest witch town. This includes three birthrights, one of which being Fern, a deaf ex-Navy Seal.

So that was my problem. These guards are tasked specifically to keep Katy safe, meaning they aren't going to want her to fuck off for no good reason. She needed to escape, right? That's what I thought. That's what Katy and her brother thought too. So after some brainstorming with my wife I ended up devising a ploy for them to fake a fire that would allow them to escape in the following chaos.

Here's the thing, though - and this really centers on the fact that Fern is causing me a lot more trouble than I expected for a character that was meant to be a one-off escort. The plan was to make enough smoke in a trash can fire to trigger the alarm and call a truck - but of course the guards would see it too.

Two Academic witches don't pose too much of an inconvenience - they're rule followers, they know to wait for authority. Even the two less-experienced birthrights would wait for orders before trying anything. Fern, though. Jesus Christ. Fern had years of training and an immense knight's complex, so before the firetruck even had a chance to get there they burst through the front window in case she needed to be rescued.

I didn't plan for this, but it made sense. Birthrights aren't typically bad people - they aren't all perfect, but birthright magic is typically used in the name of either social services or community good. So if someone needs help, a birthright helps - it's just a part of the culture. It definitely clashed with my plans to have Katy escape and get on the road.

And it also immediately made Katy feel like a total asshole, because of course it did. She typically gets itchy and uncomfortable around shows of heroism and goodness, even though at her core he is very much a good person. So now Clove, the writer wants Katy to book it and go on a fun road trip with her brother. But Katy Delaney sees someone who got hurt trying to save her from a danger that she made up, and she immediately thinks "well fuck, now i have to help".

So she helps Fern out of the house, and once they get themselves patched up and Katy meekly explains the weird prank and the situation it was trying to solve (Trying to keep the spoilers at a minimum), Fern is silent for a long time. Then they make a very simple conclusion.

I'm coming with you, they say.

Now Clove, the writer, the one who brought these people into existence, is like "NO. I DID NOT PLAN FOR THIS. I HAVE TO WRITE TWO MORE BOOKS AND YOU WERE NOT GOING TO BE IN THEM, FERN. WHERE DO YOU GO NOW? YOU'RE JUST GOING TO OREGON?"

But Katy feels guilty. Katy feels tired. Katy's very disorientated by how much she's suddenly feeling.

"I DO NOT THINK YOU'LL LIKE IT IN BLUEROSE, FERN," Clove, the writer, tries to insist. "I DON'T THINK THE PEOPLE IN BLUEROSE WILL LIKE THAT YOU HAVE A GUN AND KNOW HOW TO USE IT, FERN."

But Fern feels obligated to Katy. Maybe she reminds them of someone they used to know. Someone that they failed in the past and refuse to fail again.

"I DID NOT PLAN FOR GUN-TOUTING WITCHES TO BE THIS BIG A PLOT ELEMENT IN MY COMFORT-CORE ASEXUAL FANTASY SERIES, FERN," Clove wails inside their head.

It's too late, though. Clove is weaker than Fern and as much of a bleeding-heart as Katy insists she isn't. Katy agrees, and now I have two and a half books that now must at least make reference to an ex-military witch who's quick with a gun and canonically loves ska.

I don't have an inspirational ending for this. I truly don't. I'm gonna do it, because I know it's what the characters would do, and shoving them in a mold that does not fit just to appease my false sense of ego would turn storytelling into masturbation.

So yeah, guys. Fern is here. They don't have a first or a last name or any real appearance other than tall and I think tattooed, but fuck it. Fuck it. Whatever, guys. You win.

[takumitsukishima]

End of year, end of longing, end of my love

Things I need to get off my chest so I can close this heartbroken chapter of life for all eternity

If you are the person of this post, which I know you like to snoop around ex-friend’s social media, um fuck you? This post isn’t for you, you blocked me so why don’t you fuck off from my blog.

Without any further ado, let’s get this over with

I would like to preface that all of this is from my perspective, so its heavily biased without any question. Since the other party can’t reply to this, I ask anyone reading this to not judge the other person. I don’t know what was going through their life, and frankly they never told me. It was never my business I suppose. The reason I’m doing this is to confront my own feelings. I too never told my side of things, maybe because I was never heard by others or I’m too afraid to tell it. But either way, it’s mostly from my AVPD that I never address anything in my life. So with the help of my health provider, the best way to process these emotions is to face them, head on.

I think this friendship was over when the first time they decided to lie to me. I kept it going because I was desperate, I was alone. I was always alone, and to me if this person also left, meant that I probably repel people more than I make friends. I just ended a friendship in few months prior. I was still feeling raw. So I latched onto my current friends with a vice grip. I was afraid, I was desperate. So when I come back home from holidays I try to spend as much time I can with the said friends. I won’t see them for a year. And I was afraid, very afraid. So, this let my friend to feel smothered. I wish they would have said something, anything in fact. But they decided to lie, use their mother’s health as lie to make me feel selfish. “Why do you want to spend so much time with me, you know I have a hard life. You are being very selfish.” And I crumbled and relented to her wishes. I did as she told kept my distance. And for the remainder of holidays I didn’t ask any of my friends for spending time with me. I know they were the only one that complained. But I took it to an extreme.

Months pass by, and I learn from another mutual friend that this person is dating someone. Actually dating someone even before I came back for holidays. Suddenly it clicked, maybe she lied about her mother being sick and went to meet their partner instead. I wasn’t angry that they were dating someone. I was just lost; why didn’t they just tell me. They didn’t have to introduce me to their partner. Just tell me what was happening.  I confronted them, and they at first got mad that how did I find out. I should be ashamed I’m snooping around their life. Then finally they did admit, “Yes I did lie. I lied because of you. It’s because you are like this. I have to lie.” This person always dated people but never told me their names or when they did date. So I felt hurt again for the level of distrust. I communicated that, and they replied the same. “It’s because you are like this, I have to hide this stuff from you.”

When this happened, I blamed myself too. I thought wow, I am such a shit person. No wonder no one loves me. Now in retrospect I see this person never took any accountability for their wrongs. I was to blame if they lied, never matter it was them who decided to lie. And when they said, because you are like this, I crumbled. I wondered what does that even mean? Why are they saying this? Why can’t they just talk. They never talk in person, every confrontation, every lie they admitted to was on text conversation. Which made assessing their sincerity tough for me. I just this year discovered that I am neurodivergent. I can’t assess people via text, that why I always add emojis to my texts. But this person didn’t I could never tell what they were feeling. It was truly recipe for disaster, and my idiot ass decided to hold one because of stupid BPD.

I had just recently started therapy, so I kind of did grow a spine. I fought back. I tried to reason with this person, make them understand how their actions hurt me. And then the worst thing happened. Their father passed away. Right in November, the 4th death in my life in this time of the year. They didn’t tell me. I found out through someone else. I spiraled. What now in hindsight I know as a psychotic break, I, to put it mildly, lost my shit. “This was all my fault. I did this. I did this to him.” I don’t remember much from this point on. All I remember is crying and begging in emails to this person to keep our friendship. To please just talk to me. I cried, I apologized, I was desolated. I indulged in different form of self-hurt (I will not mention any as I know they lead to vulnerable readers to do the same.), anything to cope. After a lot of back and forth and no apology in return, we did go back to being friends.

Life was seemingly normal, until it wasn’t. I went through something very traumatic. My whole life halted, shifted, crashed and burned down to a standstill. I again numbed out, not wanting to feel any emotion. At this point of time apart from paramedics, only 2 people asked me how was I doing. But I couldn’t speak, I chose to bury, I chose to be quite. And that was the worst decision of my life. I cried every single night after that for over a year. Whatever happened in this period of 18 months, heighted to limitless perception. I felt everything and beyond. Every fight, every slight, every fright, hit me with such might. And stopping medications improperly in midst of this chemical fire was like adding all fossil fuels to it. Of course now back home, the fights were more personal. They never happened in person, because still this person only ever spoke their true feelings in text. So one day it became too personal. As in they decided to come to my home, to talk or lecture me about being like this. I was furious, why a person who never wants to speak to me in person about what they really feel, is now suddenly going to start in person sessions of friendships 101. I didn’t sign up for this class. And when they came home, I cut back equally harsh. “Since you never talk to me in person you really think I’ll allow you to talk now. Hell no, I’m not talking to you irl. If you want fight or lecture me, do it over text. Sit on my bed and text me, but I will not talk to you about this even if I died.” Defeated that I was not letting this person have their way, they decide to silently protest. Which meant them taking my comforter, and covering themselves on my bed, silently just sitting there. I know they cried in there for a brief moment. I did care, I brought water. But at the same time I didn’t care, I was consumed by anger and grief. And I did whatever was keeping me in 1 piece. If they did speak that day, I know I would have lost it. I would have not listened, but there was a difference, I didn’t want to even give them the opportunity to speak. This person, whom I kept giving second chances, who continued to lie, continued to hide their partner, continued to berate me, was allowed to lecture me about how one should behave in a friendship. That was never happening. They always protested that no, I’m not that person, I’ve grown I’ve learned from my mistakes. But then why repeat it? I still even in this anger kept the friendship. Because if this relationship failed, means no one loved me in my life. I was always alone, and I can’t let that be true.

Things mellowed out after I was back on medication. I wasn’t getting as angry; I wasn’t getting as frustrated. I just had to adjust. If they don’t want to talk, then I’ll initiate the conversations. I know I told them I feel frustrated that they never initiate conversations, but I guess they don’t have the capacity to. As an only child, the priorities of people in their life surrounded around them alone. Their current partner also calls them 2-3 times a day. They never initiate any calls to them. This person likes being indulged, but will indulge themselves. I understand, I’ll adapt. After all I was the problem wasn’t I? Mind you I wasn’t the angel here. There were times I did outright ignored them, or dismissed their concerns. I distinctly remember them opening about being demisexual. I on the other hand felt snubbed. I just came out as asexual to my family 6 months ago, this person has been sexually active since forever. How in the hell are they demisexual? In reality I was just gatekeeping the asexuality, because I was feeling like someone else was taking away the queer role in our friend group. I should not have dismissed their queer recognition, people in ace spectrum already face a lot of patronization. Why was I continuing the cycle by being an asshole to them, instead of making them feel safe? I even said something along the lines of “you are just having good sex now, that’s why you feel even more attracted to your partner, that doesn’t make you demisexual.” With the combination of our repeated fights and my own internal struggles, I felt justified in dismissing their queer identity. This is the only thing I wished I did different.

But overall our friendship improved. We even went on trips together. We were now getting along; I even decide to join social media. I joined tumblr because of them, I now even downloaded Instagram after years of pestering from them. Then something changed. We both were primarily working from home at this point. They had reserved their weekends for their partner. So it meant they would meet us only on weekdays. This was not feasible for a third friend as they are working a normal corporate job. They would reach home at 10 or even at midnight. Of course they won’t have time to hang out with us or just kill time. So they started to have resentment towards this third friend, but never said it out loud. I too had some other issues with this third friend, and one day confronted them on group chat. We all aired out our grievances. It was done and dusted. But since they still couldn’t make time for us in the weekdays, they still felt snubbed. I advised them to tell the third again, but they refused to and just kept getting upset. And then the change happened. I too started working a corporate job. And I couldn’t make time on weekdays too. I still listened to them and hang out at the local mart as usual. But I wouldn’t walk home with them, as I was too tired. They again, never said anything in person. I still tried to keep the friendship still as engaging. “You know they never talk first, so you will have to initiate.” I kept the group chat alive. Until one day they exploded. They exploded how I love to live lie, when I can’t see the friendship is already dead. How I don’t give them enough time, how I’m always busy with work. How I’m always like this. I was blindsided. I was upset, yet again this person never talked about any of this and is suddenly over text yet again, airing out their grievances. I felt betrayed, I decided I need time. I told them I won’t talk to anyone for a week. Despite asking for time, they still messaged me in 4 days. The message was very condescending to me. So I thought I must be still angry, I read it to other people and they too felt uncomfortable. When message start with “I know you have a problem, so let’s go to your health provider together and sort that problem.”, all warning signs ring red. Are they still going to blame their lying by omission on me? Will I always be the problem? Is this person never going to take any accountability? When we met in person to discuss, they revealed that they actually met with my health provider in those 4 day’s time, without telling me. They said “your health provider also agrees that you are emotionally unstable and you can’t handle mature talking well.” I felt violated, my trust and my vulnerability violated as if it was nothing. I threatened to end the friendship, I didn’t want to talk to them for 6 months. They said okay sounds good to me let’s not meet at all then. I panicked, why are they so causal about possibly not wanting to see me? Are they not scared? Am I the only one petrified out of my wits? I pressed on “well that doesn’t change the fact you haven’t changed. You still fight over texts.” Their reply was “Yes I did start over text again. It wasn’t my intention to. I was going to tell you in person. But you know because you are like this, I had to spell it out to you then and there.” And I think this is where I finally gave up. This whole time, this person judged me. The whole you are like this, was not because I was in wrong. Regardless of my guilt this person saw me as a low life. The fact that I shared all of mental health struggles, they referred to all of it as this, and were using it a defense and reason to judge me. I could hold no longer. I smiled, I told them I’ll see them again later. But I went home and cried, cried as if I lost everything. It was the truth; I was always alone. I was unloved, and I always went for people that will never love me back.

I knew this person won’t end it. They have to be the good one in this relationship. So even if they hate me, they will still keep this friendship. What were their reason; honestly I don’t know. I thought a thousand times, why a person who doesn’t like me will want to be with me? They clearly don’t care if they won’t see me for 6 months, why bother with someone like me; someone like this. But I still held out hope. Maybe I will be proven wrong, oh please God let me be wrong. I typed a final message with 5 requests. That’s it, if they can answer those 5 with reassurance, I think we will make it. But instead all I got was hostility, and patronization. Every accusation I threw was thrown back at me with condescending remarks. I still kept my hopes up. We reached the 3rd request.

Are you okay with hurting me? Depends on your definition of hurt. Is it hurt that you are perceiving or is it just emotion you are labelling as hurt. We nee- It’s a yes or no question Yeah but the answer is not in binary. I am thinking on plane beyond that. You can ask me if you don’t get it; I understand you won’t. So if I did the same would it be okay? See I would evaluate why you did it; then think how I feel about it. And then process it as I go. So you would be hurt, was it okay for me to do that to you? Well as I said, I would evaluate your actions and then maybe think what happens next You are evading my questions ***, are you okay with the fact that you have hurt me and you think it is okay to do so? Well, you are labelling that emotion as hurt. We can objectively say you are hurt. I understand you feel hurt, but are you really hurt. I am living in this world as a being, for myself. In that process what you feel, I can’t do anything. So I – It’s a yes or no question, don’t evade me with philosophical bullshit To you this is philosophical bullshit, but it is my outlook right now. My therapist says this is a healthy outlook too mind you. I think that ….

And they kept on going. It was not even a no. I would have been less hurt if they outright said they didn’t care. But the fact that they denied even a semblance of responsibility took the wind out of my lungs. Again I do not want to judge this person, it’s a pure speculation on my part. But maybe it’s their defense mechanism, when they do something wrong or will be perceived as wrong by others they panic. They evade, they won’t take responsibility, won’t apologize, or won’t even acknowledge the deed. The lack of empathy for a person you shared more than half of your life felt staggering. I didn’t want to continue. And we were just on the 3rd request. I decided to end it, since they would never or else they would be the villain. And in 2 messages they said goodbye too. We ended it. This person, a person who I bared my soul to; I shared everything with; I had spent countless nights with; didn’t even have the courtesy to call. 2 messages were enough for them. I wish the story ended here. I truly wish. But they decided to drag my soul in ways other than messages.

A few weeks after while I’m still collecting pieces, I try to blend in with my other friends as if everything is normal. I told no one except 1 person what had happened. Then a friend casually browsing through my said, “hey why can’t I see their profile from your phone?” I thought, oh no they are ghosting everyone because of me. But then someone else replied, “hey her account is still here what are you talking about?” And then I grabbed my phone and checked. I realized, this person blocked me from everywhere. They blocked me. Again I was the problem. I had to be punished. I was the sinner. So they blocked me, as if I was running around berating them. I felt ashamed of myself felt right in that moment. But then I sat on it. Wait, why was I being punished? I didn’t do anything wrong, I didn’t lie I didn’t berate. Yet why am I being treated as I did the wrong things. I felt judged, I felt scrutinized as if I was a criminal. To make matters worse, I couldn’t go to any place where I made memories with this person. I went to parks went to stores and cafes. All reminded me of them. I started to avoid going outside even. But I still had to pretend everything was okay. Friends at gatherings would say things like “hey where is ***?”, “tell *** hi, we miss her why didn’t she come?”. What do I say to these people? Where can I go; where I won’t be condemned for being their friend.

And so this is my final introspection. I know I’ll be reminded of this person one way or another, but I cannot keep carrying a guilt that I am not even guilty of. This person lied to me, hid things from me. Berated me and violated my trust and medical information. Decided to turn on me as if I did all I stated before. Why should I be the one to suffer? Clearly they are leading a happy life without me. Don’t I deserve some happiness too? In this moment of introspection, I realize the so many slights done by them I forgave in the name of friendship. When my parent teased them I always scolded them, but when her father insulted me, they remained silent. I was never to disturb them during exams, but I was expected to adjust and still hang out with them during my exams. Places to hangout were always their preferences not mine. I adjusted by always eating vegetarian food with them, because they judged my non vegetarian food. I always knew what to gift this person, yet they struggled with gifting me on my birthdays. Every time we fought, I always tried to reconcile and get us back together, they always broke if off and didn't want to come back. It was becoming more clear, they were a hostage of my terror of being left alone. I would become a toned down version of me so as to not be judged by this person, yet they judged me regardless.

So I end this chapter in life with breaking the bond. I threw out everything attached to them, every gift I received from them, every memory we created together. Every message I sent, every email I sent and every letter I have left. Broke every single mug I have in common with them. Everything straight out of my life where it belongs. Even if this person where to say something to me now, I don’t want to hear it. I don’t care if its and apology or a lecture. I have no love, no empathy, no kindness left for this person. Nothing will be enough, nothing can fill the void, it's heart lost, thrown in the sea of void. I don’t care, I am possibly at the end stages of my life, battling both mental and physically draining illness. Everyday needs to count. And I cannot waste it on a person who doesn’t spare me more than 2 messages. My languishing ends now. If I have to be alone for the rest of my life, I will. But I will be happy, at peace and not keeping up any façades. None of my friendships are taxing anymore, and I am liberated now.

[theglitchywriterboi]

People who hate kids are annoying & gross.

To be clear, I mean the weirdos who hate kids w/ a passion & when they see a pic of a baby they make jokes about killing them or harming them. Or when a kid is being annoying they talk about how they'd abuse the kid or bow the parents should be abusing the kid.

Like you're not normal & should be kept away from general society.

It's one thing to be like "Kids are loud & gross & I don't want to be near them or have any" that's fine !!!

But it's gross to joke about hitting, kicking, killing, etc kids ??

Like they're CHILDREN !!!

It's especially gross when people say this in videos of kids [either ones the parent/guardian took & posted, or ones someone took & posted w/o the parent/guardian or kids consent]

You have no idea what they're going through. Maybe you, person who hates kids, don't actually know everything about child development & that is an age appropriate behavior the child is doing that you think they should be smacked over. Maybe they're a traumatized child who was abused & that's a trauma response. Maybe they're neurodivergent & they're having a melt down ***they can't control***. Maybe yoy should mind your fucking business & leave kids alone even if they're annoying you.

Also don't yell at kids I'm public. I know you think you're owning a shitty parent who's letting their kid run amuck or showing an entitled kid that just because their parents tolerate them doesn't mean everyone else will, but you're not. You're just being an asshole. If a kid is being a prick to you or your kid, be like "Yo, it's not okay to do/say X" or just ignore them ?? They're a child not your boss. You can just walk away from them [in the event of being on a plane- idk you can turn your headphones up or see if the flight attendant can do anything ?? But yelling at the kid won't do anything good]

People need to stop being so weird & gross about kids.

[3majorursaminor77]

Yes exactly! This is the one of the biggest misinterpretations about depression if one doesn't go through it themselves and that is that everyone thinks its about being ultra sad and crying all the time when it actuality its about feeling totally numb and empty inside whilst also losing all motivation and joy for life. It makes one feel so inhuman and it's often a daily struggle to make it appear like you are okay when you are around other people when in actuality you are feeling anything but. It takes so much effort to try to feel or do anything at all let alone cry. I'm flabbergasted that a PSA would be portraying that, but that's pretty typical. These things are often made by people who have never experienced depression or any other mental illnesses for that matter but have studied it in textbooks and such.

That said, these things do happen on a spectrum, so my experience is not necessarily the same as everyone else's.

I also want to point out again how phenomenal Taika's acting abilities are in these scenes (and every scene he's in for that matter). He's able to portray the hopelessness and numbness of depression so well and then on the flip side of that he can plug into the manic suicidal tendencies in an incredibly effective way too.

Speaking as someone who experiences pretty severe bipolar symptoms, it felt seriously kind of uncanny watching Taika in those first three episodes. Superb acting chops, seriously. But I'm also pretty sure he must have gone through manic depression himself and/or is probably neurodivergent too. You don't necessarily have to have experienced something to be able to portray it accurately as an actor but it certainly helps to get you into the mindset.

And who knows, maybe they did consult a clinical psychologist and kudos to them if they did. But for sure, they most likely had a bunch of writers who've been through it. You don't necessarily need a specialist to tell you what it's like.

In fact, speaking from experience of being put involuntarily into what was for all intents and purposes an insane asylum-and the worst rated one in the East Bay of the San Francisco Bay Area at that-it actually gets pretty fucking tiresome having doctors tell you what you are feeling and experiencing and having to bite your tongue to keep from shouting, "Excuse me, have you have ever gone through a manic episode? No? Because I have, so please stop telling me that I'm going through a manic episode right now." God Almighty please give me strength.

Anyways, let's all say thank you again to the Our Flag Means Death team! I see way too much criticism over the second season and am so bewildered about it really. I think people need to be reminded that we almost didn't get a second season at all. It's a great fucking season!! Even with the budget cuts and all the other bullshit they've had to deal with from Max it's still such an amazing season and is also like a hundred times better than say 95 percent of the other tv shows you see out there these days.

Ed's depression in the first few eps of s2 is portrayed so skillfully. What really sells it (to me at least) is the blunted emotional responses and flattened affect.

Throughout the raid montage in 2.01 we see him with a blank expression. There's no indication at all that he is feeling much of anything at all as he watches the chaos and carnage unfold around him - even when we see him shoot a man (dying man, but still).

We hear from Fang that Ed barely reacted to Ivan's death - and the way Fang says this suggests that this lack of response is strange; distressing, even.

Now, maybe Ed is deliberately masking his emotions around others. Perhaps the flattened affect is an act to protect himself. Izzy made it very clear, after all, that openly expressing emotions is not acceptable.

But even when he is alone, we see evidence that he is experiencing blunted emotional responses. He barely flinches when he believes Izzy dies after hearing the gunshot, and there is no one around to witness his reaction. And yes, they had a messy and fucked up relationship, but if he was in a better mental state, he would have felt something. He is pretty distraught when Izzy really does die, after all.

What makes all of this even more powerful is the contrast with the Ed we got to know in season 1, who wore his emotions right out there on his sleeve. The Ed who giggled and goofed around; who looked at Stede with actual cartoon hearts in his eyes; who was playful and joyful and who cared about the people around him.

I am convinced that the OFMD crew consulted a clinical psychologist when writing and making s2, and it really shows. I love this show so much.

[seita]

some coping mechanism are wrong and do need to be discussed or changed!! neurodivergency doesn’t give u an excuse to hurt or trigger others!! coping mechanisms don’t exist in vaccums... and you and ur followers are harming real people by saying such

i was going to ignore most everything i got on the subject because quite frankly i'm over it. every opposing take either doesn't make sense, is completely ignorant, or is just plain stupid.

this one? is just idiocy.

so i'm gonna take the time to explain some things to you.

i cannot begun to express the ignorance and privilege that is seeped into every single word of this ask. i am actually baffled that you genuinely thought that this was, in any way shape or form, okay. or that you even thought this was a hot take at all.

you do not have any jurisdiction or power to tell other people that the way they cope is wrong. that is so beyond disgusting.

do you know why people choose to write dark content to cope?

a few reasons that range from: gives power/comfort over their trauma to lets them release emotions that otherwise have no outlet.

beyond that is that some people don’t have the resources or support system needed to cope in other ways. all they may have is a pen and paper or a laptop. they may not live in a home where they were believed, they may still be trapped with their abuser, or they may just plain not be able to afford therapy.

but do you know what the fun thing is? plenty of these people who choose to cope in this way are advised by their therapists to do it. like myself.

i used to write in little notebooks as a child -- really dark, foul shit and i didn’t understand why i did it. i talked to my therapist and i was told it’s a great outlet! i have to say writing is probably one of the top reasons i managed to get to the space i am in today.

when i learned the wonders of the internet growing up, i also sought out to READ the content. of course, it was very hard to find because of people like you who do nothing but shame it simply because of the real world values the crimes possess and for some reason refuse to see it in a fictional, helpful way.

it’s a very real and very valid coping mechanism: both reading and writing are incredibly beneficial.

this outlet also helps people just the same as it can hurt people. i don’t know who or what you think you’re doing but survivors who are triggered by the content of a darker nature WILL NOT CLICK ON IT TO READ IT. why are you acting like survivors and victims are brainless, mindless idiots who will read something clearly labeled with their triggers as if there’s some invisible force dictating them too?

and who are you? a highschool student? a college student? a therapist? what right gives you, a random person on the internet, to dictate something that has been ADVISED and PROVEN to help with coping to trauma to deem it wrong?

im gonna go ahead and say your morality. nothing beyond that.

you see dark content as just disgusting porn fucked up people jerk off to but it’s beyond that. and very obviously something you do not understand and most likely refuse to understand.

you think because you think something is wrong that it should be wrong all around. you don’t like it so it shouldn’t be done.

i hate to break it to you but the real world isn’t going to cater to you. i sure as fuck won’t. i’m not in charge of making you feel happy or content on the internet. if you log on to your computer and expect people to babysit you and make you feel comforted and safe -- you’re doing the internet wrong.

you only choose to see the negative side to this. you see that people can be triggered or hurt by this content and that’s valid. people can and will be. but there’s also a HUGE number that people like you choose to ignore and invalidate under the guise of protecting survivors only to hurt them at the same time. it doesn’t make sense.

you’re not trying to advocate and protect people -- you’re trying to make the fandom and content match up to your puritan ideals and fantasies. the world isn’t like that. people are always going to do things you don’t like and have opposing opinions on things. stop trying to act like you’re doing this for the greater good -- a martyr, hero complex isn’t a cute look and we can see exactly what you’re doing.

i don’t understand why it’s so hard to accept that dark content does not have as big of a negative impact as you think it does.

i also don’t understand how other survivors can see what people like me do and tell us we’re wrong. i don’t go out of my way to shame you and say “oh you don’t like dark content? weird.” i mind my own fucking business and stay away from blogs that don’t want to interact with dark content writers.

i am respectful always. i never attack people for having opposing opinions. i never attack people personally. people who write dark content don’t do that shit.

you know who does?

your side.

you know what someone said to me in an effort to shame me and bully me for writing what i write? they called my writing shit -- the thing i use to cope and help other cope. i’ve never gone on anon or off anon and told someone their writing was shit.

i also had someone ask me why i think being a victim made me special. i’m gonna let you sit and figure out exactly what is wrong with that question.

those are the types of people you’re enabling and encouraging. if you people just left dark writers alone we wouldn’t hurt anyone. you all preach this shit about how dark content is SOOOOO easily availble anyone can read it. that is false. the only way to find dark content is to ALREADY BE ASSOCIATING WITH PEOPLE WHO CREATE OR CONSUME DARK CONTENT. it’s not tagged in the main tags. it will not show up in your orbit or be blasted on your page because someone posted it.

and then you people say “oh minors will be convinced it’s okay!!!” no. minors aren’t as stupid as you seem to think they are. they fully know and understand exactly what they’re getting into. they see the word rape and know in real life THAT’S BAD.

you don’t want a slasher film and think  “oh wow look at him killin all those people but not getting caught I COULD DO THAT TOO!!!!” no. you don’t. because you know it’s wrong.

y’all are so high up on you moral horse that you think everyone around you is fucking stupid and has no common sense.

if someone thinks what they read in fiction makes it okay in real life, there was already something wrong with them to begin with.

but no, you’ll pull out anything on earth to try and get your point across. from secondhand trauma to it just being offensive.

and i hate to be the one to tell you this but...all this crusading is doing basically nothing in the long run. you know what happened yesterday from being called out? i lost 9 followers.

and then i gained 20. and now im only 100 away from 16,000.

what did all of this achieve? what does any of this even do?

whenever you people do this what exactly is it you want? do you expect us to just...stop...because you don’t like it? are you really so self-centered and self-righteous that you think you’re THAT important. do you really believe your opinion and voice is the loudest and most important to consider?

because it really isn’t.

just as you’re sitting here telling me you’re wanting to protect people -- i’m wanting to help people. do you know how many people i’ve had thank me for making them feel better about their owwn fantasies that they’d previously been ashamed of because they’re a victim? or how many people thank me for providing the content they rely on to cope?

i’m gonna go ahead and say those are the people i want to help. those are the people i care about. and i don’t know what it’s gonna take for you people to understand that i will not stop until i DECIDE to.

this is the internet. none of your opinions or words have any long-lasting, realistic effect on me, my person, or my life. i could delete my blog and in a month nothing any of you have said to me over this course of time will have impacted me in the long term. of course, other people are more sensitive and can get hurt by this discourse.

but i don’t. i’m a lot more stubborn and thick-skinned than you people may seem to realize.

your words will continue to go in one ear and out the other. i know where i stand. i know where i want to remain.

your morality nor your opinions are blanket rules that everyone should abide by. get some perspective and learn your place in the world before speaking on things you clearly cannot understand.

[a-small-batch-of-dragons]

Let's Call It Funny

Prompt: Hi! If you know about those gen z peter parker posts, could your write something based on that? With Steve Getting It (tm) because fatalistic nihilism in humor tended to show up during the world wars and we’re seeing a reflection of that now? Sorry- I just think it’d make great options for steve and peter bonding, and dad!tony but actual emotions (gasp!) You can totally ignore this if you want!

Don't ever apologize for giving me such a great ask

Read on Ao3 Part 2

Warnings: uhhh gen z humor

Pairings: none! all found family in this bitch

Word Count: 2529

Here’s the thing about humor. It’s not necessarily that one generation is any funnier than another, it’s just that high school kids are perpetually the funniest people alive. Something about being in a pressure cooker of an environment with a bunch of other people whose bodies are changing in new unpredictable ways whilst having very little say in how their lives go creates humor. Gasp of shock, right?

So basically what Peter’s trying to say is that he’s fucking hilarious.

Come on, not only does he have the default high schooler stuff, he’s also gay, which gives him an instant bonus. He’s trans, which opens up a whole new subset of humor for him to explore. He’s neurodivergent as fuck, and we all know that makes people funny as hell. And if that weren’t enough, he’s severely traumatized and he’s Spider-Man.

Peter Parker is funny as hell.

What is truly devastating—and really, it’s their loss—is that so few people seem to appreciate it.

Ned gets it. Ned’s not someone Peter would expect to not get it, just because hey, it’s Ned. They’ve met each other in the hallways and been like ‘hey! You’re still alive! Congrats on having a body!’ Only for the other one to go ‘hey! You’re alive too! I wish I had an intangible form!’

Because bodies are stupid and evolution really fucked us over but at least we’re not horses.

A solid 50% of their interactions are just quoting John Mulaney and Bo Burnham bits back and forth at each other. Peter’s never gonna forget the day they both had detention and had to watch that stupid Cap PSA—it’s propaganda, you Nazi fuckwits—and something reminded them of the ‘horse loose in a hospital’ bit and they just did it. Full out. Stood up and did the actions and everything. The rest of the room was either trying to do it with them—and failing, because they didn’t have nearly enough practice—or looking so confused. The security guard—Paul, he’s great—just looked at them blearily after they finished and went:

“I mean, you kids are right, but you’re not supposed to talk in detention.”

Well, excuse them for trying to make it more entertaining for everyone.

MJ gets it. If Peter’s being honest, he learned most of his humor from her. She is the master and it is an honor to study in her wake. He’s definitely hijacked the asking whether or not anything’s actually meaningful existentialism jokes and they’ve wormed their way into his day-to-day repertoire.

“Why are you late, Mr. Parker?”

“Time is a social construct, Mrs. B, none of us are ever late or early except in the subjective spacetime paths. The limits of our sensory perception make it so we can’t tell if anything is real, let alone whether or not they conform to some arbitrary definition of ‘time.’”

“…just sit down, Peter.”

See? It works.

Aunt May gets…worried.

Sure, they’ve actually talked about when Peter needs help and wants to reach out and when he’s just making jokes off the cuff because hey, humor’s a great coping mechanism or it’s just a joke and not that serious. Peter loves his Aunt May, so so so much, and the last thing he wants to do is really worry her. And she’s gotten pretty good at figuring out when he’s just joking and when he’s spiraling.

Sometimes, though…

“Peter,” Aunt May calls from the kitchen, “did you remember to stop by the store on your way home?”

Peter freezes halfway through the door.

“Peter?”

He swallows. “…no.”

“Why not?”

“Because I am too stressed and consumed by the swirling pit of blackness deep in my soul to remember my head is connected to my body, let alone remember to go to the store.”

Silence.

“…Aunt May?”

“Do you want to drop off your stuff and then go to the store?”

“…yeah, please.”

“Love you, Pete.”

“Love you!”

“Try to remember that you’ve got arms so you can pick stuff up.”

“Got it!”

See? It’s fine.

The Avengers don’t get it. Like, at all.

Natasha and Clint like, sorta get it? They make the same jokes all the time when they think Peter can’t hear them, which—come on, you guys are super spies, surely you know people are gonna hear you when they’re gonna hear you. Natasha will make a crack about something, Clint will laugh and shove her shoulder. It’s their dynamic, we get it. But when Peter does it…

“Hey, Baby Spider?”

Peter sticks his head up from the ceiling. “Yeah?”

“Where’re you crawling off to?”

“I’m gonna go hide in the garage.”

Natasha blinks up at him. “Why?”

“Because if I get crushed by the airlock doors then I won’t have to do my paper tomorrow.”

Silence. Natasha’s mask is too good for Peter to actually see what’s going on with her, let alone from this angle, but silence isn’t good.

“Nat—oof!”

Something blurs out of the vent nearby and tackles him down onto the couch.

“Clint!”

“Nope,” Clint mutters, wrapping Peter up in a hug as Natasha comes to join them. “You’re staying with us now, Pete.”

“Guys, I’m fine.”

“Peter,” Natasha says softly, “don’t joke about that, you’ll make us worry.”

“I don’t wanna do that,” Peter mumbles, “but it’s fine.”

“Coping mechanism, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“He’s got too many brain cells to do that,” Clint says, ruffling Peter’s hair.

“Stark has a lot of brain cells, you see what good that does him?”

“Hmm. Guess you’re gonna have to stay awhile, Pete.”

There are worse fates. Definitely.

Thor just kind of gets confused by it. He acts like Peter isn’t going to be absolutely fine because there’s no need to do anything like that. No, Peter, you don’t have to put the bleach in first into your cereal, there’s plenty of milk left over. No, Peter, you don’t have to throw yourself off the roof because your laptop is freezing, Stark has so many just lying around. No, Peter, you don’t have to pack a rucksack and run away to the Alps and live like a recluse, come here and get a hug.

Peter suspects Thor’s playing dumb on purpose. The man is smart as hell, there’s no way all of this is flying over his head. And honestly, it warms his heart a little bit when he sees Thor’s sincere, concerned look when he thinks Peter’s not looking.

Banner and Rhodey just kinda shake their heads and move on. They’re used to it. They live and work with some of the most dramatic fucking people in the goddamn universe, they’re used to a little bit of extra humor. Occasionally one of them will give him a look that says he’s pushing his luck, but that’s not often. Less often now ‘cause he knows what he can get away with. He’s also seen them hiding smiles behind their hands or poorly disguised coughs. They’re not as slick as they think they are.

Tony.

Tony is the fucking worst.

Peter can’t get away with so much as sighing too hard before Iron Dad™ is swooping in all soft words and concerned touches. Jesus. You’d think he’d get it, he uses humor as a coping mechanism too, goddamnit, why is he so worried about Peter?

Okay, fine, he knows why.

MJ’s over at the Tower, having another one of her ‘sketch people in crisis’ appointments with Natasha. Peter is coming off of a 32-hour caffeine rush and is violently wishing for death. Tony is in the kitchen doing…something.

“Hey, do you think bleach would make a good smoothie?”

Tony wheels around to see MJ pulling a glass out of the cupboard.

“Kid—“

“Sounds like a filling breakfast,” Peter groans, “can you make me one too?”

“…I’m legitimately concerned,” comes Tony’s mutter.

MJ ignores him. “Who’s the bitch on your forehead?”

Peter rubs absentmindedly at the massive knot on his head, courtesy of a wall that rudely decided to move at the last second while Peter was attempting to walk through a doorway. “He’s called DJ Braindeath and he’s my only friend in the world.”

“Peter—“

“Oh did you meet him at the furry convention?"

“Technically it’d be a buggie convention.”

“What the hell are you two talking about?”

“The pantry doesn’t have good coffee, I’m going to Starbucks.” MJ grabs her bag. “You want anything?”

“A will to live?”

“Peter, what the fuck—“

“Oof, I’ve only got like…20 bucks.”

Peter lets his head drop back to the counter. “Then just leave me here to die.”

“Can I have champagne at your funeral?”

“I’ll be dead, I won’t fucking care.”

“God, I wish that were me.”

Then MJ’s gone and Peter gets treated to a 20-minute conversation with a very concerned Tony Stark that he doesn’t remember most of because hey caffeine crashes aren’t fun.

He definitely does it on purpose sometimes just to wind Tony up. Like there’s this one incident with an interview he does as Spider-Man and he gets asked what he thinks about Tony Stark’s newest intern, Peter Parker.

“That boy’s an embarrassment, just…complete failure. Can’t speak without stuttering through every other word and self-esteem issues all over the place. Also looks like he got dressed in the dark.”

The reporter had awkwardly moved on to another question. The interview aired later that day while Peter was at the Tower. Tony sat next to him on the couch about halfway through.

“You look good, Pete.”

Peter had mumbled halfheartedly, only to hear the reporter ask the same question.

“See, that’s the problem with having a secret identity, you don’t…” Tony trailed off as he heard the answer.

Peter snorted as Spider-Man finished talking. “Say that to my face, you bitch, get a real job. At least I don’t look like someone vomited silly string all over my spandex.”

“Are you okay?”

See? Fun.

The only one he’s made a conscious effort to not be this funny around is Steve.

Because, okay, here’s the thing. Steve’s disappointed look has no effect on him anymore. He’s immune, motherfuckers, he’s had detention too many times for it to still work. Here’s the other thing: Steve doesn’t actually use that tone of voice that often. It’s this meticulously crafted image he plays up in interviews because it catches all the bad guys so off guard when Captain America is suddenly swearing a blue streak at them and telling them to go fuck themselves in, honestly, quite creative ways. The sincere Steve Rogers disappointment and concern still very much works. Also doesn’t help that Steve does caring so fucking well, like…who gave him the right to say a few things and hold Peter like he’s something precious and do the quick one-two punch of saying a super sincere compliment and following it up with ‘I love you.’ Who did that? It’s rude. Stop it.

And yeah, Steve’s the resident Mom at the Ready. It’s a risk to even sit on your bed looking sad ‘cause here he comes, wearing something snuggly and saying ‘hey’ in that stupid, stupid compassionate voice. So Peter knows he’s just gonna end up crying from too much soft if Steve actually gets concerned. Which won’t be fair because he’s gonna try and explain that he’s fine and it’s just his sense of humor while crying. Yeah, like that’s gonna be believable.

So he’s trying not to but damnit it’s hard.

Then he walks into the kitchen one day to see Steve struggling with the toaster.

It’s one of Tony’s new prototypes—which means that anyone struggling with it is so fair—and from the looks of it, it’s managed to not only burn the bread to a crisp, but also mangle the slices beyond recognizable shape.

Peter’s not paying that much attention. He’s on his phone, heading towards his spot in the corner with the beanbag chairs and definitely doesn’t recognize Steve as he goes.

He only plops down and hears someone declare, in a completely deadpan voice: “There is no point to existing at all.”

“Oh, mood.”

He doesn’t think much of it. He doesn’t even know who said that, that’s how hyper-focused he is right now. He hears the others come in and feels Clint plonk down next to him.

“Hey, Pete.”

“Sah, dude.”

“Just vibing. Did I do it right?”

“Yeah, man you’re going great.”

“You teach Thor ‘yeet’ yet?”

“We’re getting there.”

“Steve,” he hears Tony call from the kitchen, “what the fuck did you do?”

“Language.”

“Don’t fucking talk to me about language when you’re making toast that looks like a goddamn welder’s table, what is that?”

“Your prototype’s work, I imagine.”

“How did you even—“

Clint chuckles next to him as the two of them start fondly bickering. Peter’s too busy speedrunning the five stages of grief in his head.

Did…did Steve say the thing about there being no point to existence at all?

No…no way.

He must be imagining things.

Then, of course, there’s a chime on his phone.

Ned: Did u do the bio hw?

There was bio homework?

Ned: yeah, due at noon

“I now know why God abandoned this timeline and when will death come to take me?”

The room goes silent.

Shit.

“Peter,” Clint says, “it’s gonna be fine, you can do bio homework in your sleep—“

“Are you okay?” Ah, that’s Thor.

“Kid—“

And Nat, and Tony’s probably rushing over here as he speaks.

Then there’s another voice.

“We can only pray the reaper arrives early for his appointment with us, kid.”

Peter’s head snaps up.

Steve.

Steve fucking Rogers raises a coffee cup at him in salute and takes a sip. He makes a face.

“…that was definitely salt,” he mutters, before shrugging and downing the whole thing.

…what?

Peter’s still staring at him until he catches his gaze and winks.

Oh, fuck yes.

“Steven Grant Rogers,” Tony says, hands on his hips, “explain.”

Steve just gives him a look. “I grew up in the Great Depression, Tony, and I was in the army. You don’t think I have a fatalistic sense of humor?”

“Plus the fact that most of my generation is resorting to types of humor found when death and stress are so ever-present that you have to joke about it says something,” Peter adds, “doesn’t it?”

Steve raises his cup again. “See? He gets it.”

And just like that, the bond between Peter Parker and Steve Rogers was written, formed, and sealed in salt and existentialist depression.

“There’s two of you,” Tony mumbles, “oh my god, there’s two of you.”

“Oh, you just wait ’til Buck and Sam get back.”

Peter can’t fucking wait.

[inseparabiles]

Treading the weird line here on like wow all of this is public do I want to be oversharing my whole life out here but yo let's cut

First off? You have no idea how much I admire you for all of that. I know it's not something that you'll do or speak of because wow look at me I'm so good for doing this, and I know it's probably something that's really hard to take credit for or hear about, and because of that, I hope what we already said about Geta above packs a punch because it is so important to also hear that: that what you're doing is admirable, that it is good, and that showing love like that is the single most human thing a person can do. A decade ago, I briefly got to know someone who was very kind and in every way a warm person, but they'd only ever meet us outside their home, and some months into knowing them, they confessed it's because they're afraid of letting people into their house because their brother was autistic in the way that makes people uncomfortable. They worried that having their brother there not communicating or making strange noises or staring or whatever else could have happened would frighten us off, and like, that has never left us. It is so unfair that the world - other people - put that kind of fear into others. Reading your story reminded me of it a lot and I don't know. I also know someone who has a disabled sister too and has talked over the years about how hard it can be to love someone so much and want the best for them but the rages and the violence and the shouting and the inability to reason with someone who's throwing tantrums over meals or clothing is just so hard sometimes.

And it's just. I don't know.

We're not an only child, but our sister never lived with us and there's 14 years between us. For most of our life, we've had to go at this alone, and that's a major part for why we have DID to begin with. Since I already decided it's oversharing hours on THIS post of all fucking things, I'm just going right for it like you know what you signed up for at this point, but being trapped in a household with a working mother and a violent father who took his rages out on us, while also being disabled (undiagnosed and untreated neurodivergency on several levels + a learning disability either due to the forementioned other neurodivergency or because we did try to hang ourselves from the umbilicus at birth and that was a whole thing), we didn't have anybody. Our mum wasn't there because somebody had to feed the household. We didn't really know our sister. Every day coming home from whatever, daycare or school, it was just. That.

And like. Our system's structured in a very strict family dynamic, because that gives us what we didn't have in our actual history: at the top of the hierarchy, we have a patriarch and a matriarch figure, one mainline protector and one mainline caretaker. A notch down we have elder siblings, who are both protectors and protectees in their own ways - dual parts that have very firm connections to their younger siblings, which is the next tier down from them. These aren't necessarily protectors anymore, but you hurt their protectors and they hurt you back, guaranteed. More vulnerable and more unstable but also very loyal to the upper tiers, particularly to their counterparts. And the ones above that tier will do anything for them, would do, and are utterly devoted to them. The older/younger sibling dynamic comes naturally in that setting because that's the allegory the world has offered us for the relationship.

It's like. I don't know. There's a lot in the dynamic between the twins that we desperately missed/miss in our own life and that our psyche is trying so very hard to patch up for, where some parts of us relate to the other and some the other more strongly for their own reasons. When we first watched the film, Geta was immediately the one we attached to, too. Not only for the parts that were present but because in our own life - we've always been protectors. While we have an older sister we barely even know, all our life we've ended up being the sister from another mother to so many younger, even more vulnerable people, and god did we take to that role, fully devoted. But ironically because that activated those parts, our focus immediately shifted to Caracalla, because the drive to protect is so much stronger than the drive to be protected. Giving protection is active, it's an action, and that's a full-time duty.

It's funny and we had a laugh about it to our partner about how like. Yeah went in and immediately chose the favourite twin, it's that guy who's so fucking relatable. Which guy? Uh the guy who - fuck. I think by now we've fully earned ourselves a reputation as a Caracalla stan from hell but that's so much because also of how much we relate to Geta, it's just in the weirdest pretzel of a way.

Geta is both the person we always needed and never had, and the person we had to become, both for ourselves and for every other kid thrown our way. We practically raised one girl until that went to hell in ways that I don't even want to talk about, for 14 years we grew up with her as close as siblings and did our everything to try to protect her from her own circumstances at home and from the people she ended up going with because of those circumstances. The whole story is fucked up but as a sidenote - watching Stranger Things with Eddie is the weirdest experience, because "fucked up" in our case also involved an actual witch hunt because our shitty rural town labeled us a satanist and decided we were luring this girl into evil and abusing her somehow (including an invented child sex trafficking ring her grandmother decided we were taking her to?) and that her other friends were pure and good while we were the bad influence, while these other friends were actively drawing her to drinking, drugs, and sex with older men, and all that blame was laid on us because ??? weird kid who plays World of Warcraft = satanism = such a convenient target to lay the blame on when all the other girls looked so normal.

I kid you not. That was a whole fucking thing. But yeah anyway that's a different Joseph Quinn character we coincidentally relate to for the weirdest reasons, but watching the season was so fucking hard we didn't even connect the dots between Eddie and Geta, just thought why's that fucking guy so familiar looking the whole time on first watch LMAO.

BACK TO GLADIATOR AND OTHER PERSONAL TRAUMA I'm so sorry you have to read this I got going and now I can't stop basically

The whole

it's so odd because it's this sequel movie that has been torn to shreds by fans because it's "absolute horseshit" but it has characters that are so profoundly relatable, unlike any character/characters have ever been before

genuinely, we keep making fun of the dudebro audiences every time we go to the movies because this BOTHERS us. The wrong audience is watching this movie. The dudebros hate it because it's historically inaccurate and the characters are weird and it just isn't giving them the machismo hard enough. What the movie seems to be actually looking for is the traumatised and emotionally baggaged young adult audience who has SIGNIFICANT overlap with their freak cast of characters. We've been through grief, we know the feeling of being all alone, we know what it means to cling onto one another because that's all we have, we know what injustice feels like, we're the ones who are being put down in this current climate, we're the ones who understand the cast of characters they've given us.

I've forced my whole friend group to watch this movie and not a single one of them came out thinking it was horseshit. Everyone found something deeply relatable about it. Because it is so deeply relatable to people like us. And clearly there are enough of us given the actual ratings for the film, but it's like you would not KNOW that if you just looked at random people online talking about it. All they ever say is how it's shit. It's pure coincidence the first time I heard this movie even existed was when a random Redditor was like "yeah just watched it this weekend it was really good imho a good sequel for the first movie" and went "oh yeah fuck I loved that movie back when, gotta check it out" and then didn't look up a single other review because we're that aversed to spoilers - if we had, we would have probably skipped the film.

And like.

I don't know. Fuck I just don't know. Our mum's been exasperated with us for the way we are about this and god I don't blame her but she even said like "I'm paying for your therapy, please use that time for something other than talking about Gladiator every week" but she doesn't understand how deeply intertwined this shit is to everything we absolutely should be talking about in there. Like I cannot emphasis enough how healing this movie has been, and how healing these two specific characters have been, because they are so close to us, both of them, and the way that they are about each other is so... can I say pure? Like do you know what I mean if I say pure? It is selfless. It's undiluted. Their love and care for one another in their world that is so unsafe is everything to us, and that's the line of rope we've been using to climb down into the places that hurt so fucking much to explore. And we need that help to get there, it's not just going to happen on its own.

(Which is also why our therapist is obsessed with us being obsessed. She caught onto this immediately and we've just been exploring everything through the film since, and it's been so like. God the things we're unlocking)

Anyway yeah that was. Our whole life's story sorry about that and also no, I understand - when you're hoping for Geta to give his twin the roughing up that he truly deserves, you're not hoping to beat up your sister, but probably more something along the lines of seeing Geta experience the kind of release and relief that he can in his circumstances afford which is both safe and harmless and they both come out of it knowing they love each other. You can't just go do that to someone you love in real life because if you punt them in the face they'll come out actually hurt for it, but if you sit back and watch Geta pin Cara to the wall by his hair, you know he still loves him, and you also know everything about how Cara feels about that at every moment of it, and come out with the certainty that they both understand.

It's just a safe way to show the extremes of emotion. Which, uh, reminded me of the whole "why do I want to eat my baby" article and now I'm going to leave this massive autobiography at that with a link:

Today's fun research task for Boys and Wolves has involved a lot of extremely depressing case studies of general paresis and dementia, and devolved from there into that guy pinning things at a wall with an insane look on his face meme trying to figure out again what the fuck kind of a disease Caracalla's even trying to have.

Starting to form a solid (as sieves are solid) theory that fits smack in the middle of the historical accuracy of canon. I don't want a PhD in syphilis studies but from all that we've been able to gather there's two prevalent theories of the origin of the disease that then split into rooms of individuals divining tea leaves:

1. it came from the Muricas.

2. it didn't entirely come from the Muricas.

First is simple, there's plenty enough evidence of syphilis existing in the Americas, and the timeline of when it started divine retributioning the European population coincides perfectly. But it wasn't doing that in the Americas, isn't that just fucking weird. There's a lot of talk about how devastating smallpox was to the populations, but nobody ever talks how everyone was already dying en masse from syphilis because that wasn't happening.

Meanwhile, Europeans got exposed to that and suddenly you have a few hundred years of people dying absolutely horribly all over and a whole moral and spiritual panic about it. Reverse theory included in the category of 2: then the Europeans brought it the fuck back to Americas but worse so everyone got to start dying from this version equally. The origins wank is evidently never-ending because when syphilis got out of hand as an epidemic, every single country named it after their least favourite neighbour and blamed them for it.

But then you have archaeological evidence in gravesites of the kinds of bone changes children with congenital syphilis would have from eons before the disease supposedly arrived from the Americas. And you have adult bones with evidence of advanced disease on them. They're rare but they exist and have been found and continue to be found. But if it had been killing people the way it started killing people after the 15th century, you'd think someone would have noticed.

So theories about whether x or y historical figure had syphilis (Caracalla has been theorised, and he definitely had something he was trying to cure by going to every temple he could find on the map to pray for healing, but the only source that illuminates this doesn't care about elaborating on it one bit further and so we don't know) aside due to unproveability, IF they did, was it anything similar to what came to be after the strains mixed with the American ones?

And if not, and we don't know any better, this could be our personal saving grace on the question of how to fix-it a universe where the real last boss encounter is an undefeatable and absolutely horrifying terminal illness hitting one of our mains EXTREMELY too early in full force.

Word of god has said Caracalla has it and that's why he's like that and sure enough, he has the symptoms to back that up. It NOT being syphilis isn't really on the table, and I mean, there's also the direct reference with Geta spilling some truly enlightened beans with the whole "the disease that infects his loins has spread to his brain" like boy do you want like a nobel price for your medical theory because that shit is advanced and you can barely read. (Actually there is no evidence whatsoever to conclusively state that Geta can read, but that's another post.)

Our point being, when it's clear that he has it so in this universe it must then be possible FOR him to have it, if Caracalla's fantasy syphilis was a strain that existed before the disease mixed with the American strain and became the fucking worst thing on earth, then that would conveniently explain his symptoms being all over the place. Guess what else it could do? It'd allow us to draw the convenient conclusion that it isn't nearly as terminal or aggressive as our modern day strain would be, because again if it was, it would be WELL documented in history. Once this thing became mainstream people were fucking horrified and for a good reason because everyone was dying of it left and right. If it had been like that in Roman times, well known for their prolific writers and texts still preserved to date and all the theory and advancements in medicine that originated in that era, you BET it would be recorded.

Is this our Apollo? Can we just whole-hog into inventing our own disease like they clearly did for the movie? That'd be so convenient. So simple. It'd make perfect sense of the whole nonsensical nature of what we were handed to work with in the first place. And it'd allow us to do literally whatever the fuck we want with the timeline, which is the part that is destroying us emotionally at the moment by the sheer graces of being so unforgiving bleak.

I have no idea if any of that made sense because honestly I'm asleep in every sense except the physical, but I think this might be our Apollo.

(Imagine how easy it would be if we weren't autistic in this extremely specific way where everything has to make sense and be realistic and real and backed up by facts or it's a CoNtInUiTy ErRoR or uNrEaLiStIc like bitch you're writing fanfic about a movie where Geta and Caracalla are twink twins who evidently never received any form of training in any subject, don't know what the fuck an Aeneid is, spawned from thin air because their parents aren't even in the timeline, and also are pasty redheads and love each other more than anything. Like if this movie looked at a history book it did not do it to follow the rules. Take a note already holy shit)

[mellometal]

Is it time to tear ANOTHER Dhar Mann video to shreds? YOU BET.

I've been sitting on this one for a bit because I wanted to make sure I talk about this tactfully. The subject of parents abandoning their disabled children is a very touchy one.

Parents abandoning their disabled children simply for being disabled is way too common. Like, I understand that not everyone has the resources to care for a disabled child (which is why you reach out for help, and why people like me, who work with disabled people, exist), but it doesn't mean you just walk out of their life. There are exceptions, like if you truly didn't want children or something like that, but just flat-out walking out of your kid's life BECAUSE they're disabled is fucked up.

I know someone personally whose biological mother abandoned her when she was born. Why? Because she's disabled. Physically, and mentally, to a point. I work with this woman on a daily basis. I don't really know WHY exactly her biological mother abandoned her, but I do know that her being disabled was part of it. It's sad. It doesn't affect her, thankfully. I'm happy that she's got her biological dad, her brother, and another maternal figure in her life, at least.

ANYWAYS. Before we get to the topic at hand, I need to put an obligatory trigger warning, like I do with EVERY Dhar Mann post:

This post will be talking about parents abandoning their disabled children simply for being disabled, treating disabilities like they're tragedies (in this case, we're talking about autism...again), divorce, and some SPICY ableist bullshit from an allistic (nonautistic) PIECE OF SHIT.

If any of this triggers you or makes you uncomfortable in any way, you don't have to read this post. This isn't worth putting yourself in a bad state mentally. I would never ask for any of you to put yourselves in that position all for a post. Put your mental health and well-being first. Consume media that sparks joy for you.

As far as my response goes, it's definitely more calm than normal. Funny....since this video is about autism spectrum disorder again. (Third time's the charm, huh, Dhar Mann? NOT.)

LET'S FUCKING GET IT.

The video starts off with these two parents (Gwen and Allen) in a psychologist's office. The psychologist tells the parents that their son (Chance) is autistic, and she tries to explain what autism is to the parents, but Allen cuts her off. Why? Because he teaches at a prestigious university, so he AUTOMATICALLY knows what autism is from that fact alone.

Um, excuse me? Just because you're a teacher at a prestigious university, it doesn't mean you're an expert in everything. It doesn't make you an expert in ASD or anything like that. Unless you SPECIALIZE in that area. Even then, shut the fuck up. The people who know about being autistic are AUTISTIC PEOPLE THEMSELVES! SHOCKER.

Hey, Dhar Mann! QUIT WITH THE VIDEOS ABOUT AUTISTIC LITTLE WHITE BOYS AND YOUNG WHITE AUTISTIC CISHET MEN! I'M SICK AND TIRED OF IT. It's annoying, ignorant, and it feels like you're doing this on purpose at this point to piss people off. If you're so uninformed about autism in women and girls, FUCKING ASK AUTISTIC WOMEN AND GIRLS! DO BETTER RESEARCH THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE AUTISM SPEAKS. The Autism Self Advocacy Network (ASAN) and the Autistic Women and Nonbinary People Network (AWN) are great organizations to go to for any kind of research on ASD in women and girls. STOP GOING OFF OF THE BRAINS OF AUTISTIC WHITE BOYS AND AUTISTIC WHITE MEN.

I don't feel I need to go too deep into the fact that autistic women, autistic girls, autistic nonbinary people, autistic BIPOC, autistic AAPI, autistic LGBT people, autistic teenagers, and autistic adults exist. Y'all already know.

Gwen asks the psychologist if that means Chance isn't healthy. (I understand not knowing about autism, but don't treat it like it's a terminal illness. Please.) The psychologist tells her that Chance is fine, but he just learns differently and might need more support compared to his peers.

Yeah, autism can affect how you learn about certain things (limited and repetitive patterns), but there are other disabilities that can affect learning as well. Like how dyslexia can affect your ability to read, dyspraxia can affect your ability to do math, and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) can affect your ability to focus or on impulse control. Autism affects how your brain is developed, it affects you socially, behaviorally, and how you communicate.

Allen is upset, says that he can't have a son "with a learning disability" (ASD is a neurological disability, not necessarily a learning disability), and treats Chance like he's stupid for being autistic. Gwen tells her husband that autism doesn't make you any less intelligent, WHICH IS SO FUCKING TRUE. ABSOLUTE FACTS. I was totally with her until she began that little monologue with "Just because a person HAS autism". SAY "JUST BECAUSE A PERSON'S AUTISTIC" INSTEAD! IT'S NOT HARD. PERSON FIRST LANGUAGE ISN'T WHAT EVERY DISABLED PERSON PREFERS. Allen says that "they could have another kid" and "put Chance up for adoption". Gwen obviously wasn't down with that. Allen gives his wife an ultimatum that it's either HIM or their son Chance. Gwen says that she can't choose between the two, but she will stand by her autistic son. Allen gets up and leaves the office, saying he wants a divorce.

Years pass by, Gwen is single and taking care of her autistic son Chance, and Allen has a new life with a ✨perfect son✨ (Samuel). He never mentions the son HE abandoned (Chance). He's completely forgotten about Gwen and Chance. (YOU OWE SO MUCH CHILD SUPPORT, ALLEN.)

Hey, Allen, how much do you wanna bet that your ✨perfect son✨ Samuel is autistic too?

There's the SATs, they're announcing a winner, and guess who it is? IT'S OBVIOUSLY CHANCE, OF COURSE. He's got the highest score in the country, with Samuel in second place. Allen is PISSED.

Chance gives a speech about how his mom really helped him, he struggled with autism, how Allen LITERALLY ABANDONED HIM, and THE CROWD GOES FUCKING WILD. Samuel, instead of being a sore loser, APPLAUDS FOR CHANCE. Stay humble, Sam.

My thoughts on the video? If you cannot tell by my tone throughout this post, IT WAS DOG SHIT. This video was insensitive to the true reality of parents abandoning their disabled children just because they're disabled. What do I expect from Dhar Mann at this point?

Here's my response to his video below. Don't worry, I will fully type out my response soon for anyone who cannot read the screenshots easily. It's a lot easier for me to do that on the desktop site than it is for me to do it on my phone.

For anyone who can’t read my response, I’m typing it out for you. Like I said, it’s easier for me to type it out on the desktop site than it is for me to type it out on my phone. It’s a real royal pain in the ass. But because I’m trying to make my posts easier to read for people, I’m doing this anyway. /lighthearted

First, second, and third screenshots (broken up into paragraphs):

Hey, listen, I appreciate the message you’re trying to go for, but can you please stop putting autistic people into a box? Can you stop treating being autistic like it’s a tragedy? Not every single autistic person is a little white boy in elementary school who’s considered “wild and unruly” or “super quiet and makes no friends”, nor are they a young white cishet man who’s a super genius or is how Chris Chan was before she came out as trans. (For anyone who doesn’t know about Chris Chan, there are many documentaries people have made on YouTube, and I highly recommend Geno Samuel’s docuseries, if you’re really interested in learning about Chris Chan.)

Autistic women, girls, nonbinary people, BIPOC, APPI, LGBT people, teenagers, and adults all exist too. 

It’s very apparent now that you get your resources from Autism $peaks, a hate group that spends the vast majority of their money on funding eugenics instead of helping autistic people like they claim, claims that only little white boys and young white cishet men are autistic and ignores all other autistic people who don’t fit that description, have no autistic people on their leader board or on any board for that matter, have members who have actually fantasized about k1lling their autistic children, treat autism like it’s a tragedy or a disease someone can catch (completely false), act like autism should be cured (there is no cure, and ABA therapy is a total shit show in itself), and treats autistic people like they’re broken and need to be fixed. Also, not every autistic person is a Super Genius(tm). That’s so demeaning to autistic people who aren’t seen as intelligent in any way. I’m autistic and seen as smart; however, there are subjects I’m stronger in than others.

If you can’t handle the possibility of having autistic children, or just disabled children in general, DON’T HAVE CHILDREN. If you can’t handle working with or alongside disabled people, including autistic people, maybe find a different profession. Even if you do that, you’ll never get away from disabled people. Disabled people aren’t a disease. We’re human beings just like neurotypical and able-bodied people.

Fourth and fifth screenshots (broken up into paragraphs): 

I would highly suggest getting resources from reputable organizations for ASD, such as the Autism Self Advocacy Network (ASAN) and the Autistic Women and Nonbinary People Network (AWN). Talk to any autistic person who isn’t a little white boy or a young white cishet man. 

Instead of using the puzzle piece, which is a symbol that many autistic people, myself included, are offended by (because of Autism $peaks and other organizations before them using it, plus it symbolizes that only autistic children exist and that we’re “missing a piece” like we’re broken), use the rainbow infinity sign (for all neurodivergent people) or the red and gold infinity sign (just for autistic people). Instead of “lighting it up blue”, light it up red or gold. Do both if you want. 

I’m actually really sick and tired of seeing just autistic little white boys and young autistic white cishet men being represented in the media, and y’all manage to fuck that up too. 

Before anyone mentions Sia’s movie “Music”, that’s also very poor representation of autistic girls. Besides, the actress who played the autistic girl isn’t even autistic. She MOCKED autistic people. I know she’s a kid, but that’s still super fucked up. I hope she’s able to turn that around. 

If anyone would like to discuss this topic with me or ask any questions, feel free to. I’ll answer as best as I can. Thank you and have a good night.

Before I get attacked for mentioning Chris Chan in my response, I bring up Chris Chan because allistic people think that every autistic person is like her (especially before she came out as trans). That person is part of why I wasn't open about being autistic or talking about my diagnosis until this year. I didn't want to be grouped up with Chris Chan because I do have very similar interests to her, I've been seen as cringey for having said interests, and just the way Chris treated autistic people who were formerly diagnosed with A$p3rg3r$ $yndr0m3 (like I was) really made me feel even more alienated.

Also, S1a supports A$ (Autism $p3aks). She's not a very good person to support. Some of her music is good, but her as a person....no. Her movie "Music" was gross, from what I've read about it and seen pictures of.

If you've read this far, thank you so much!

[eldritch-elrics]

svsss: binghe callout party + the system’s punishment

so much happened in these chapters oh my god. i can’t believe i’m on chap 74 of 81

tldr: sqq needs to stop procrastinating on his sexuality crisis, also yay for cqms protecting its own but oh no for binghe discovering the truth about his parents, also COOL system penalty. oh and fake internet drama my beloved

zzl my poor, poor boy. i hate that he killed gongyi xiao but :((( he’s trying so hard to be nice to sqq!!! sqq’s making it so hard for him!

it’s also really interesting how fixated on repaying debts/revenges he is. i know it’s demon culture being different from human culture but i am going hmm… neurodivergence momence….

tlj, completely unprompted, once again: huh, so sqq likes threesomes does he? very interesting…

sqq saying he trusts binghe <3

seems like sqq believes binghe will change. i also believe in him! though seeing what lbh’s been like, we’ll see how fast that change happens lol.

sqq also says later that most of the tension between him and lbh has been a misunderstanding, which… yeah that’s fair enough. but sqq is very much at fault for a lot of that misunderstanding! because he is (or used to be, at least) shit at communication! at least he’s been taking responsibility

always astounded by how much effort liu qingge goes through to rescue sqq, whether that’s just his body or his actual person. sqq is really just drowning in men who want to do things for him

sqh confessing everything and babbling at lqg <3 and oh my god he fought mobei-jun?

binghe: only two rooms thanks :3 i don’t have money for more :3

liu qingge: i’ll fucking kill you

i really do want to see the scene of lbh and lqg trying to share a room. i was hoping maybe they would do some enemies-to-friends bro bonding but it seems like it’s too early for that… grudges like that can’t be fixed in one night...

we’re almost at chapter 70 and sqq still thinks he’s straight.

funny that the system says it needs to save resources? that feels like a bad excuse. there’s never been a problem like that before… and doesn’t it make sense for the system to just have infinite resources? i’m very interested in this statement. maybe it’s just bluffing to make itself seem less powerful than it is / delay sqq’s gratification

the fact that it’s not giving him any new coolness points is probably a good thing, since he spends all of them a couple chapters later. maybe sqq will gain back all those he lost in a rush at the end of the month

SQQ IS SO EMOTIONAL ABOUT GETTING HIS FAN BACK I LOVE HIM

binghe serving him breakfast waaaa

as far as i recall, binghe’s the only one who’s been able to make the system give sqq prompts with multiple-choice answers. protagonist power! one more piece of evidence for the idea that lbh’s subconscious is what influences the system most

lqg kicking doors down is so normal that sqq doesn’t react

poor zzl for the dozenth time: gets used as a seat cushion :(

this entire next part is just Hurting Binghe Hours

this scene felt super mdzs. it’s like… stirring up a giant crowd against someone, with the intention of ruining their reputation? reminiscent of jinlan city too of course but that theme of reputation is so central to mdzs that it made me think. also the whole thing about lbh being a bastard/otherwise outside the cultivation world norm... hmm.....

“tianlang-jun is not my father. i don’t need a father.”

fucks me up…

lqg and yqy: *knocks ten angry cultivators away from sqq* oops my hand slipped

lbh ran away… bingqiu separated once more :(

ohhhhh my god the system penalty. i had totally forgot about the whole “sending him back to his original world” thing but i’m so glad it got brought up again. all the peak lords must be worried sick haha... hopefully he’ll wake up in his bed in qing jing peak or something later and it’ll all be ok

meeting og!lbh… god i got chills. that part was so good

i can’t help but notice he lost his right arm and left leg….. just like edward elric……

that’s such a good system punishment tbh like.. it’s not sending him back to HIS original world, but it’s sort of like sending him to sqq’s original world, for just a few minutes…

yay meng mo saved him!

not surprised at how bad shen jiu’s situation was. i will have to read more about it later!!

i’m so close to the end holy shit. i expect we’ll get some more bingqiu development soon but it’s so funny that sqq hasn’t even realized he’s not straight, let alone that he likes lbh! i guess this novel is really their getting-together story more than anything (we’ve got the extras for established relationship stuff) but i feel like there’s still so much left to resolve!

speaking of extras… there’s an extra chapter plopped right in the middle here? thanks mxtx lol

ok my take is: reading fake internet drama is so FUCKING funny

i do not know anything about chinese webnovel internet culture but this scene still rings so true to me… people on web forums just be like that huh

airplane is so excited about all the arguing sjkdhsjd

the fact that peerless cucumber is labeled an expert.

peerless cucumber up in here with his fantastic takes like “the monsters are so much more interesting than the endless wives” and “the only good bit is binghe’s arc”

the person who comments “cucumber bro wrote so many words just to hate on it, must be true love”

the person who comments “hey guys wanna read my bingqiu slash”

the handful of comments that are like “the romance between binghe and the women is terrible but the relationships he has with the male characters are emotional and moving” just go to solidify my “airplane is gay and knows jack shit about women” theory

again, araki jojo vibes

what a way to die, airplane

and he was thinking of sqq too! just like sqq was thinking about him when he died :) it’s fate!

[lovely-necromancy]

A Cure for Insomnia CH.5

A scream shocks you out of your fuzzy thoughts. You look around and notice Connor sitting alert and looking like he wants to run down the hallway this very instant.

“Connor?” the head snaps to you immediately and before you can even question his presence in your home he jumps up and barks then walks in circles near the door.

Great a dog who has no sense of horror movie tropes. Since the scream did come from inside your house you should go find the person who made it and see what's wrong. Also maybe get clarification on why they're in your home. You aren't dead and are still in the same clothes so you figure you're alright around them. You follow Connor to where Toby is, in your kitchen staring out the window standing at a very odd angle. Like he caught himself before he fell backwards but hadn't bothered to get up.

“What's up....oh.” is all you can say as you see Chonk's head whip towards you and Connor before he books it for the tree line. Damn that fat raccoon can run fast, good to know if he ever wants to chase you down in the future. Which he might if you don't leave his slice of pizza out today.

“'oh' 'oh', that's all yo-you've got to say about a giant fuck-ing ra-mrrow- raccoon!?!” maybe thinking this guy was composed and unphased was a misconception, if seeing Chonk has put his world views in question.

“I mean he probably just eats a lot of pizza.” to put it simply you never gave much thought to the fat little trash thief, he was just fat and he existed. Visiting your home for the slice he deemed his every other week. Probably had other homes in Kepler he terrorized for the same reasons. God knows Leo would never put up with a raccoon trashing his store for his pizza. Or even his home for that matter.

“He's nearly half the size of Connor!” looking down towards Connor you tilt your head.

“Are we talking about with his legs or just his torso?” you could maybe see the size comparison with the dog's body but with his height it was a different matter all together.

Toby rolls his eyes before going and sitting down at the small breakfast table where he seemed to have found your fidget cube and had been well fidgeting with it. You take the seat opposite of him, it's weird having a guest over especially when you didn't invite them in. Well now that removes the chances of him being a vampire you suppose.

Perfect not a kidnapper, nor a vampire, and he's helped you out twice now. The two of you might well be on your way to becoming best friends. That is if he could get past this episode of yours.

“I still don't know what happened last night, but I'm done with the freak out.” you say as you idly pet Connor.

“...What?” he's squinting at you trying to get a read on how anyone bounces back from something like that so calmly in a matter of hours. Especially when he'd been checking up on you and Connor only to see you still staring off into space.

“Oh, uh... I have Autism. Isn't good for much but helps me rationalize events quicker and move past emotional and mental breakdowns pretty quick too.”

“Is that an Autism thing?” you shrug at his question as he jerks his shoulders forwards a few times.

“Probably more of a me thing, but I've read the trait tends to be more common in those of us who are neurodivergent.”

You hear a murmur of telling someone later later. Filing that away to take note of another day you stare at Toby who in turn stares back. This goes on for a bit, you couldn't even classify it as a staring contest since you are both still blinking occasionally. You aren't really sure if you should say 'thank you' first and then ask the man what he's doing in your home or wait for him to break the silence. But as you stare at Toby, into his eyes, you get the feeling this man is more of a zombie than anything else. The type to drag along and go at a snails pace rather than get into the messy bits in one go...ironic choice for comparison.

“Thank you for driving me home...but why are you still here?” you hear a huff of laughter?

“You weren't really in a position...” knuckles pop “to be left alone. What if you got back into your car again?” his eyes cut and there's a bit of bite to his words...it wasn't directed towards you, you can feel that much.

“Fair enough.” you glance at the stove and see the clock shine a little before six. “Would you like some breakfast” his neck snaps to the left triggering your own to snap as well, “or a ride home?” you finish asking.

“Can you make something for Connor too? Don't trust you behind the wheel yet.”

“Oh sure! What does he normally eat?” Perking up at the thought of the dog being off duty, that means actual pets!

“He-mrrow- normally gets oatmeal with some fruit or veg and anything raw I can find.” He finishes with a whistle for Connor's attention, and then a pointed finger flipping down in front of him. The dog trots over and sits down, while Toby takes off the vest you look through your cupboards to find the rolled oats you'd gotten as incentive to eat in the mornings before realizing you only liked them on certain days.

“So what does Tobias normally eat?” you call out as you look for some honey you know you threw in the cupboards.

“Anything really. I don't do slimy textures or anything watery.”

“Watery? Like soups?” Found a can of pumpkin, it's still in date too, perfect.

“Watery like...when you put too much water in oatmeal.” He nods when you silently show him the can of pumpkin asking if that'd be fine for his boy, who is sitting down drooling from his smiling face as Toby tussles his ears.

“Ahhh, thin watery got it.” You hear movement and a few grunts from Toby as you assume he tics, trying to ignore them so they won't trigger your own you look through the fridge. You suddenly take a deep breath, while looking for a meat in your fridge, and let out a shrill trill. Kinda sounds like a Togepi's cry from the cartoon. Shaking your head your eyes catch the eggs and turkey sausages you have.

“Will turkey sausage and eggs work for you two?”

“Never had turkey sausage but it should be fine.” he's leaning forward resting his head in his arms on the table as Connor lays by his bouncing feet.

You set the eye to medium heat and put the sausages on first, leaving three out for Connor. He is a big dog after all. You turned your focus on preparing Connor's oatmeal while the sausages cooked. It was kinda nice having company over even though the circumstances weren't the best. Your neck jerks to the side three times before pulling back. There's more on the way your neck didn't crack and your body doesn't let up until it does.

“So what disorder do you have?” You turn to give Toby a confused look you hope he can read through your mask.

“...I have a few..you want the list?”

“No, the tics. Lower level Tourettes or what?”

“Oh, they stem from my” head jerking twice to the side before cracking “there we go.” “Sorry, they stem from my Autism, at least that's the best I can gather without seeing a specialist. Virginia doctors suck big time.”

“Tell me about it.” that perks you right up, you knew you caught a transatlantic accent, it's pretty much the lack of an accent that gives Virginians away so easily. You already have two guesses on where Toby came from.

“I knew it, you're from Halifax aren't you?!” Since you've turned around to face him you see the exact moment his face drops. Eyes shocked wide open.

“How...did”

“Oh it's easy once you know what to listen for, in fact it was the total lack of any distinguishing accent or use of slang that gave you a way. A lot of people don't notice what they take from their communities linguistically speaking. And for us Virginians it's what we don't take. It's such a bland neutral midpoint it's why it had been so coveted during the radio era and while we might've lost the in-fluctuations as time went by, no longer needing them for our voices to be heard over various frequencies....am I talking too much you can tell me to shut up, really you won't hurt my feelings.” you give Toby a minute to process everything you've just said.

“Special interest?”

“mmm, more a...an interesting factoid.” you hope he registers your smile, hell you hope he doesn't think you're weird. You know how much you can be sometimes, especially when you info dump or overshare information. He manages to nod along with you before finding his voice again.

“Lemme guess NOVA?”

“Pfft, seriously.” you really need him to at least register the disgust on your face if he hasn't been able to read you before, “Listen the Beach isn't much better but I'd probably off myself if I was from NOVA.”

“A public service really.”

You both stare at each other before breaking into a fit of laughter. It's nothing huge but it does seem to put Toby more at ease you noticed. In the time it took you to make breakfast for all three of you you've found out a little bit more about Toby.

He's uncomfortable talking about his hometown, at least you assume, so instead he mentions that he recently came to town with his friends, Brian and Tim. Talks mostly about Connor and you learn he's to help alert Toby of his Tourettes when driving and he can even detect seizures with Brian. That's amazing, service dogs have sure come a long way! And you love hearing what a silly puppy Connor is off duty, it makes you smile. Toby in turn asks about you, and you are such a well of stories. You tell him about your family back on the coast, about your recent move to Kepler, give him a little info on Kepler to help him adjust to his stay, and even get on the topic of your extensive work with animals.

“Sounds like you were working towards being a trainer, why didn't you?”

Making a sound that sort of sounds like a jumbled 'I dunno', “Sort of don't like people that much. Dogs are fine, less complex and less likely to complain when you do something in a different way. But a trainer doesn't train the dog, they train the people.” You're placing Connor's food in front of him as he sits patiently.

It's quiet for a moment as you place a plate in front of Toby and set yours down as well. Not tense just quiet, it's very calming really. Until Toby ruins it.

“Thanks Connor.”

Like he's a voice actor who is over exaggerating the sound effects of a dog munching away at their bowl. Connor inhales harshly before diving head first into the bowl. The dog is ferociously tearing into his breakfast and you can't help the laughter that spills from you at his enthusiasm. Hands coming up near your face and shaking as you shift from foot to foot. It's a happy stim, cute dogs are of course a trigger, someone can complain later you're happy to see a happy excited pup any day.

Taking your seat and turning your attention to your food, you see Toby hasn't touched his own. He's staring at the plate with a furrowed brow, he glances up to you as you remove your mask. You feel a bit vulnerable to be honest.

“Oh is something wrong? Do you want something else?”  He's a guest who's helped you twice now the least you can do is make sure he leaves your home full.

It takes a moment but he gathers his thoughts to explain, “I have a scar...it's pretty bad.” he looks away from you.

You tilt your head not quiet understanding what he means, “Cool story, do you want me to look away?”

He stalls at this, you just keep throwing him for a loop since you met the other day. While he thinks on it you scoop some of your eggs on your spoon and into your mouth. Perfect texture and prefect flavor, today will be good.

Toby seems to have made his decision and without any show he takes his mask off to begin eating. You can see the scar he was talking about, and while the currently red and bleeding'?!' scar on the left corner of his mouth was bad it wasn't much compared to the gaping hole further up that side on his cheek. You can clearly see the even whiter, how this boy is so pale is beyond you, skin around the edges suggesting the wound was older and had started to heal at some point. But you could see most of the teeth on the left side of his mouth. You've never seen these teeth while they were still in the head. A skull or 3D model yea. But never a living breathing person's head. It's fascinating really, you hadn't even noticed that you finished your breakfast as you watched him eat, you were so enthralled.

“You know your lip's bleeding right?” eyes never leaving the boy's teeth as you see them grind down the eggs into the tiniest particles. Neat!

“Rwhatf?” the way he can talk with his mouth full without spilling it from the hole is fucking magic and you won't hear another word on it.

He takes a drink of water, again it doesn't spill. Then you notice the slight tilt of his head...oh he's had practice doing this. Impressive honestly.

“That's what you choose to comment on?” his eyes narrow at you're still gawking form.

“I'm sorry I've just never seen those type of teeth still in head, normally muscle and...and skin cover them. So this is really cool to see them in action!” gosh you're so damn weird. By his stupefied expression Toby seems to think so too.

“Plus the wound looks healed but the lips look fresh,” you get up and grab a few paper towels bringing them over to offer to Toby, “Not to mention it's bleeding and you haven't once wiped it.”

He doesn't reply as he takes the napkins from you and dabs at his scarred lip, looking back and seeing blood just as you said. He was right when he thought he'd been biting himself a few hours ago. He'd totally forgotten to check after getting you home.

“Well I don't feel it so I didn't know actually.” he just resumes eating as if this conversation didn't happen.

“Didn't, didn't, didn't” you get stuck in a loop for a bit before breaking out “you didn't feel it? What do you have congenital insensitivity to pain?” you ask incredulously.

“I haven't heard it called that since I got diagnosed.” still eating he looks at you through his long eyelashes.

This dude could not be a real person. You had to have been imagining your dream friend. Everything you learned about Toby was more interesting than the last...at least for you it was.

“Medical history podcasts are interesting.” you shrug, “should I get the first aid kit?” at his shrug you get up and go to your bathroom to retrieve the kit.

Coming back into the kitchen you catch Toby lowering your plates for Connor to lick clean. You don't see a problem with it but you will wash everything twice since the pup has slobbered on nearly everything anyway. When you don't say anything he lets Connor continue before placing the dishes in your sink.

“Such a big help” you say patting Connor's head as you pass him, “Yea I really am” Toby says as he sits back down. Propping his arm up on the table to rest his head on his knuckles, it was such a fluid and casual motion. As if he's sat at this table everyday of his life, like this was his home and you were his guest. Tied in with how comfy he is man spreading at your kitchen table you'd say he made himself at home just fine.

You smile and scoot your chair next to him first aid kit in between you on the table. Toby looks between you and the kit before leaning in closer for you to work. Grabbing the antiseptic cleaning towels you go to wipe Toby's lip when he flinches away. Probably faking to see your reaction.

“Oh, fuck off you have CIPA.” you laugh grabbing his chin to keep him in place. He rolls his eyes “And you're weird.” The vibrations feel weird against your fingers.

“I know.” you continue cleaning the small bite mark? Well he does have CIPA he wouldn't be able to feel the pain if he was gnawing at his lips. Would he be able to taste the metallic tang of his blood or were taste buds effected by the disorder too? You might need to do another deep dive on this, it just became relevant. Maybe an anxious tic, judging from the larger wound it could be possible. Wearing a mask must help to hide it but not not to stop it getting worse if no one can call you out on it.

“That wasn't an insult...” he says making you look up into his eyes as you dry the wound, “I know.” You smile down at him, knowing this time he can see it on your maskless face.

When you finished cleaning his wounded lips, you drove Toby and Connor back to their home. Which turned out to be the RV at the forgotten entrance of the forest. Toby had been a little wary you knew where he was talking about but seemed to shake it off just as quick when you mentioned hiking a lot and using that entrance because it was the closest to you.

He had put Connor's vest back on and hopped in the back with him. You noticed from the review that Connor's full attention was on you.

“This set up let's him focus on the driver, so he'll tell us if something will impede your driving.” Well that explains Brian's position the first time you four met.

Nodding you sync you phone with the car's bluetooth and pass it to Toby with spotify open.

“Rules of the road, passenger picks music.” you say simply when he questioned it.

He quickly clicked your last playlist. Probably either too lazy to find something or trying to get a better read on you. Music says a lot about a person even if not everyone thinks that way. And unfortunately for you this playlist screams mental illness and a need for therapy. But you have folk punk. So who needs therapy when you can just scream cry these lyrics.

Toby doesn't comment on it, either just totally apathetic or maybe he likes it. He's a bit of an enigma, he's open and honest for the most part but saves his opinions unless directly asked.

Even after making it to the RV without incident Toby tries to distract you for a bit and tempt you out of the car with the possibility of playing with Connor. As fun as the idea sounds and as much as you don't want to be rude, you're very tired and drained. Probably more from “hanging out” with Toby this morning than your actual episode last night. Plus you understand Toby's just trying to be nice and maybe ensure your safety.

“Could I maybe rain-check? I'm actually really tired.” you say with your most polite smile, though he can't see it through the mask  you know he sees the crinkle of your eyes.

“Sure, just get home safe.” you feel that's less about you, but you aren't sure what the hanging subject is. So cryptic.

“Yup,” you chirp, “See you later Tobias!” as you start to back out back onto the road you hear Toby say “ Later YN.”

Driving off you can't keep the smile off of your face. Toby's a nice guy, you hope you get to spend more time with him. And this time the thought isn't centered around also hanging out with Connor. Just about enjoying Toby's company.

Getting home and locking your door you strip your jeans and flannel, leaving you only in your muscle tee, and curl up in your unkempt sheets. You'll do laundry later, right now was time for a little nap.

[sn0tcl0wn]

also i know i mentioned the yacht thing a couple posts ago and actually that was from a really sad anecdote a friend told me after talking about how he n his family p much lived in miami for a while.bit started with him trying to impress me until i said it sounded kinda lonely and he broke a little and got real quiet like "actually yeah it was" and said in all actuality, most of that point in his life was spent alone on his parents' yacht or in various nice hotel rooms with no one but himself, drugs, and fake friends if he was lucky. when he finished he looked like he was gonna cry and immediately sucked all the emotions back in and literally saying "please dont worry about me, i had nice things and i have no right to complain". it's always sad when you realize a lot of the traits we associate with rich kids are a mask they're taught to wear by their parents and the world as a whole who punished them for being even remotely unhappy or unwell solely because they had stuff. i have genuine pity for those born into wealth, especially when they're born with neurodivergencies or end up with mental health issues. the ones we see partying the hardest and trying the most to impress you are usually the ones who were hurt the worst by a system they supposedly benefit from.

more stuff and excess isnt actually benefiting. if anything when rich kids get outrageously expensive gifts it's just their parents buying their love, compliance, and ultimately silence. and we let it happen every time we shit on them for doing the exact shit we'd do at 18 if we were given a wad of cash every week of our lives to shut us up. like ive known so many people like that and it never ceases to break my heart. the thought of the rich kid stereotype breeds a deep sadness in me because i was the one those rich kids went to when they needed someone to cry to and a lot of the pain they expressed was completely valid and examples of actual trauma and abuse, they just talk about it differently. and sure they complain about trivial shit but so do poor people. like all the fucking time. we aren't much different as people, they were just raised different and suffered in fancier places and that's what people frame their opinions on.

[comicreliefmorlock]

A Reader’s Guide to Writing: Lesson #2

I... expect to get shot for this. 

-sighs and puts on a helmet- Body shots, fine, but I’m trying to avoid taking a headshot for what I’m about to say. 

The Constant Reader... does not give a fuck about flat, cardboard-cutout “representation.” We just don’t. In fact, it’s downright insulting to your Readers to assume that labeling your character “insert woke points here” will automatically endear them to us. 

(...god I’m going to get in so much trouble for this...)

When I see a book described as “it has two lesbians in it!” or “these characters are transgender!” my immediate and automatic thought is “...okay, but what is the story about? will I give a fuck about these characters?”

And that, right there, is something that can actually carry a weak plot (to a Reader’s mind) or absolutely drag a good plot into “well, I might as well finish reading it.”

Do I give a fuck about your characters?

Now this does not mean your character has to be Wholly Unproblematic or an Adorable Cinnamon Roll, Too Good, Too Pure for This World. 

What it means is “do I respond to your character like they’re fleshed out well enough for my brain to read them as a person?”

For Comparison-- Two Characters:

Here’s an example of what is honestly a really well-written character (in a... very... ugh, look, the pervasive racism makes it terrible to read now and I just kind of wince and groan at it and wince even harder knowing how well it was received) because the character has caused Emotion in a Reader.

Scarlett Fucking O’Hara.

I hate her. I’m not even kidding, I just hate this self-absorbed bitch. She drives me nuts. I’d love to yeet her off a literary cliff and watch her drown. 

...but I consider her a well-written character because she inspires emotion. I react to her. I legitimately read a page of “Gone With the Wind” (*again, I know, I’m sorry, the book’s slimy feel of ‘but... slavery was good!’ is just... horrific) and I want to grab the nearest heavy object and slam it onto her empty skull. She has obvious flaws--and they’re explicitly spelled out in the text--and those flaws totally fuck up her life. Scarlett doesn’t get what she wants because she is her own worst enemy in a lot of ways. And watching her make decisions based on what She Wants and then dealing with the aftermath feels legitimate. It feels pretty real to watch someone make a decision based on a want only to see them struggle with the result OF that decision. Not to mention the moment of realization that came too late, as let’s be fair, hindsight is 20/20 and a lot of us have had that ‘Ohhhhhhhhhhh...’ moment ourselves. 

What Scarlett has a lot of, however, is Emotion. And I don’t mean she has a lot of emotionally wrenching scenes. What I mean is Scarlett is actively driven by or affected by An Emotion at nearly every part of her story, even when that Emotion is just some self-absorbed Glee at how she’s gonna one-up this whole town.

Let me compare my reactions to Miss “I’m So Self-Absorbed I Should Be Taxonomically Classified As A Sponge” O’Hara to a character that I... honestly couldn’t give less than a fuck about, despite having read six whole books she’s the main protagonist of. 

Ayla of “Clan of the Cave Bears” Jean Auel fame. 

In the first novel, Ayla is... actually kind of interesting. A Homo Sapien child found by Neanderthals and raised in their society, there’s a bit that can be read into just how hard it is to fit into a culture and how sometimes that involves more self-repression than is mentally healthy. And in the second novel, “Valley of the Horses,” all the parts with Ayla before her Male Perfection Love Interest shows up are also fairly interesting.

She’s alone, she’s fighting to survive with only her hard-earned skills to carry her. It’s great!

And then... Jondalar arrives and we see her through His Eyes. 

I’m not sure exactly what happened here other than the novels (and Ayla) turn into a constant Display Of How Amazing Ayla Is. Everyone loves her! (And the people that don’t are Obviously Flawed and So Empty Inside.) She can do anything! She invents the needle! Horseback riding! Domesticating dogs! The travois! She’s drop-dead gorgeous, an accomplished healer, wants only to be a Good Wife (it’s a little icky, but considering the time period these books are set in, I give it a pass on that) and is always so confused as to why people seem amazed by her. 

She becomes basically a Perfect Woman and to be honest, all her struggles after that just feel like they’re directly tied to how Perfect She Is. Ayla suddenly doesn’t have An Emotion behind her. She’s just a vessel for everyone’s awe that such a “perfect woman” exists. And it just... turns her completely fuckin’ flat.

What I’ve found after doing a LOT of reading is that a Writer should keep one big thing in mind.

(And this goes triple for stories that tote themselves on the representation platform.)

Emotion--the experience of it, the sharing of it, the looking for validation of it--is one of those defining things that make what we’d call the Human Experience.

People who are looking for representation in media are looking for actual representation. For a Person like them on the screen or page. Maybe you don’t know what it’s like to be a teenager struggling with a realization of sexuality, but you can ask people who do. And you can relate YOURSELF to that on some level. 

Everyone in the world has had a moment where they’re trying to reconcile something about themselves with what the world expects or with what they expect from themselves. You can take that seed, that memory of sitting in your bedroom and listening to the same song on repeat while thinking wistful thoughts of what life could be like if This Was Different or imagining a future where What You Want is accessible, acceptable and within reach. You can find the Emotion and appeal to it.

I know that the experience of being gay or disabled or neurodivergent or trans or a minority is not universal; everyone has a different life, different experiences, different fears, worries, hopes, dreams. 

And I say this in full awareness that someone could very rightly be angry at me for paring off societal issues and cultural problems to make this accessible to writers who may want to write a specific character FIRST and THEN find sensitivity readers to help them refine it*. 

There’s a “but” to the whole “different life” thing. 

Humans have felt the basic range of emotion across the board, across the world, across time, regardless of where or when or who they are. And a Character that makes you Feel is a character that you can give a fuck about. Pare off the labels and start with the tinest, most concentrated idea of who this person is so you can find their emotions to use in the story. Are they a dreamer? A fighter? A creator? An explorer? What Emotion drives them? Hope? Curiosity? Anger? Sorrow? 

Because I personally have seen myself in characters that I have absolutely no surface experience in common with whatsoever, but I responded to the Emotion that drove them because I recognized it. I’d felt it. Maybe what created the Emotion was different (wildly so!) from what created it for me, but I had the Emotion. The character is having the Emotion. 

And that makes me give a fuck about the outcome of their story, whether the personality carrying the Emotion makes me want to cut a bitch (fuck you Scarlett) or see them succeed in every aspect of life.

[*You will want sensitivity readers to refine the character because representation should actually represent and not be A Writer Getting Woke Points.]

[mariaiscrafting]

hot takes! as someone with adhd, i am simultaneously frustrated and empathetic with dream. sometimes i think he is a bit reckless and irresponsible with his fanbase, particularly when responding to criticism. on the other hand, as someone who also experiences rejection sensitive dysphoria as a result of adhd, i completely understand the need to defend oneself, and how difficult it can be to take the amount of criticism he receives. it's complicated lol

Hmm yeah... I don’t think I have ADHD (though jury’s still out on the exactness of my mental illness/neurodivergence since I haven’t been officially diagnosed with anything), so I can’t say I 100% understand. But I do understand both having to take responsibility for one’s actions despite a mental illness or disorder, and being unjustly accused of things because of my mental illness/disorder because people don’t have empathy for the fact that my brain works differently... On one hand, I understand that it is difficult to deal with rejection when you have ADHD, and that RSD can manifest rejection as actual emotional pain. But on the other, I believe in learning coping mechanisms and creating a support system that makes it easier to do things that are not detrimental to one’s self, especially when you’re an adult and have the ability and knowledge of yourself to do so. I fucking hate the people demonizing, for example, his extreme, immediate reaction to the first cheating accusations. I have a friend who used to like Dream before the cheating thing, and he compared Dream’s reactions to Trump’s tweets. While I get the frustration from a viewer’s perspective, especially from someone who majors in mathematics, the comments still gave me an ableist edge. Like, to not understand whatsoever that the guy has ADHD, and that immediate, angry responses are characteristic of RSD... :/ 

As someone with (extremely probable) depression, I’ve long since stopped blaming myself for being unresponsive or serious during depressive episodes. But these are symptoms that don’t negatively affect me or anyone else, at least, not on a very significant scale. Yeah, my mother has made digs at me since I was little about being too serious and having RBF and seeming unfriendly to peers and family members, but really, it doesn’t fucking matter. But there are also symptoms of depression that I’ve been faulted for that do truly matter, that negatively affect me and those around me. One of the most obvious ones is the lack of basic caring for one’s self during a depressive episode. As a child, I had little understanding of why I had no energy to even change my clothes, let alone shower, clean my room, wash the dishes, or get some food, but as an adult, I know myself. I know about depression, I’ve read about it and experienced it for around a decade now, and I have the capability to create a network of friends and family members who can help me when necessary. I know the signs when I’m gonna go into a depressive episode. I know what to do to distract myself, who to turn to, and how to motivate myself to keep functioning. And so, despite everything in my body telling me to lie down and rot during an episode, I force myself to seek out the factors that I have set up for myself, that help me find the motivation to, or sometimes actually help me, to shower and change clothes and find food to eat. As an adult, I need to take responsibility for any lack of self-care I engage in during a depressive episode because I have the capability, wherewithall, time, and resources to make sure that I continue functioning as a mentally able person would, even during episodes. I don’t want to be demonized, I want empathy and understanding, but I also don’t want to be babied because I need to be held accountable; mental illness does not erase one’s actions. One’s actions do not live in a vaccum, and they can’t be compared to someone who is mentally able/NT, but they also can’t be completely excused because of mental illness/neurodivergence.

Depression, I’m sure, is not at all the same as ADHD, but the same, underlying concept still stands: I hope that Dream can figure out a support system and coping mechanisms and whatever else he needs to combat RSD. Because acting on RSD, especially in the case of someone whose entire career invites rejection en-masse, is a detriment to one’s livelihood. Dream’s career is currently negatively impacted by many factors, but I’d say that one of the major ones is the criticism of him as being unable to deal with criticism/his many responses to accusations and criticism. I don’t get mad at Dream anymore for responding to criticism rashly or constantly or where it is not necessary, because I understand a lot more about ADHD and RSD now than I did in December, but I do hope he can create the coping mechanisms and support system necessary to help himself, and not be a detriment to his career.