#and next week i will be on the bus or in an uber carrying an unmarked bag

[dokpetra]

They give you a poop fork. If they need to test your kitty's poop at the vet. They give you a tube and the lid of the tube has a fork on it. To fork the poop. They gave me a poop fork. !

[wonusite]

nalani im in need of some sexy cheol smut 🧎🏻‍♀️

okay so i kind of got carried away bc i started thinking about sugar daddy!cheol who’s lowkey obsessed with the cute little college intern that works at his company. lmk what you think 🤭

from the moment seungcheol saw you, he knew he had to have you.

his need for you increases a tenfold when he hears what a good job you’re doing and how diligent and punctual you are. cheol starts coming around your area more—much to his subordinates’ distress. like they’re so tense when he comes around bc sure he’s a nice guy, but he’s ridiculously rigid and strict. and you’re no exception bc you’ve heard all about his demand for perfection.

except when he comes around to your desk, pretty smile in place, you seem to forget every single warning your coworkers have said to you. seungcheol is interested in your opinions and input, telling you how nice it is to have such a fresh perspective. his attention makes you feel proud and shy all at the same time, but you’re forced to get used to it bc he starts coming around a lot more.

it’s hard for seungcheol to control his desire for you. all he wants to do is make you his and have you on his arm at all times, but he knows he has to play it cool since you’re one of his employees. still, he can’t not spoil and dote on you. it’s just not in his nature.

especially when he finds out you take the bus and sometimes uber to work. he can’t stand the thought of pretty little you riding around in public transportation with your cute skirts and blouses. so one afternoon he calls you in his office and offers you a key to a brand new car. when you laugh off his very serious words, he has to laugh it off too. clearly, he would have to take smaller steps with you.

at least you accept to have his secretary take you and from work.

it doesn’t end there, though. he always offers to buy the office lunch since he knows you’d feel some sort of way if he only bought you lunch. if cheol orders in, he makes sure to get plenty of what you like. if he decides to take everyone out to a restaurant, he makes sure to sit next to you.

admittedly, you love his attention. it’s so flattering that such a smart, handsome man has taken in interest in you no matter how small. what you don’t realize is that his interest is anything but small.

you realize this when you find out that the rest of your tuition has been paid in full.

when you confront your boss, he doesn’t deny it. seungcheol just casually raises an eyebrow, asking why it was so wrong of him to help such a deserving woman like yourself. you’re so flustered that you can’t think straight. he goes on to say that this is only the beginnings of his displays of affections.

suddenly, you start getting bouquets of flowers every week, along with expensive skin care and perfumes. then, that turns into designer clothing and shoes that somehow fit you perfectly. you’d be lying if you say you didn’t love it, but you know you have to put an end to it.

“the clothes aren’t to your taste.” seungcheol muses with a thoughtful nod after you place the bags on his desk one morning. “very well. i’ll let you pick what you want from now on.”

you almost collapse when he holds out his black card for you to take. as you start to splutter about why you can’t accept it, he cuts you off with his soft yet firm voice.

“let me take you out. three times. after that, if you want me to leave you alone, i will.”

it’s like a dream when you spend time with him. seungcheol is much more than a cold, rich man who has more power than anyone you know. he’s thoughtful, kind, and a genuine person. by the end of the first date, you know you won’t be able to stop seeing him.

so you suddenly have a new car, a new luxury apartment, and an entire new wardrobe. your nights are suddenly filled with excitement, always going to places you could’ve only dreamed of. it’s all like a fantasy to you, especially because the most seungcheol has done is kiss your cheek or the back of your hand.

until one night when he’s stressed and you insist that he lets you help him take the edge off.

“daddy!” you cry out as seungcheol pounds into your hot cunt from behind.

“fuck, princess.” cheol groans gutturally as he watches your ass recoil against his pelvis. he slaps your ass and roughly kneads it, loving how the flesh feels in his palms. “love this pretty ass and your tight little pussy.”

your eyes roll to the back of your head as he continues to ram his thick cock into your sweet spot. his heavy balls hit your clit with every thrust, and the stimulation finally pushes you over the edge. you come with a loud moan, staining his thick cock with your orgasm.

“louder, princess.” cheol grips your hips and pounds into you harder. “i want the entire building to hear you moaning for me.”

“stuff me full of your cum, daddy!” you cry out wantonly, his thrusts quickly pushing you into another orgasm. “want you to fill me up!”

you’re abruptly flipped over, legs hooked on seungcheol’s broad shoulders as he starts to drill into you harder and faster. you’re tightening around his cock so much that he can hear a wet plop sound every time he fucks his cock back into you.

“come for me again, princess. come on daddy’s cock while he fucks a baby into this sweet cunt.”

when seungcheol bites down on your neck, you both come violently. thick ropes of hot cum paint your gummy walls, coating every part of you in his essence. you’re mewling as cheol licks and bites at your sensitive flesh. his hips keep moving, fucking his cum deeper inside you.

his lips meet yours for a messy kiss, addicted to the way your cunt keeps sucking him in. he groans into your mouth. “feels like you want more cum from the way you're squeezing me.”

“please, daddy.” you beg against his lips. “keep fucking your cum into me. want to be full of you always.”

seungcheol goes feral with your pleas. he wraps your legs around his waist, drilling his still-hard cock into you again. he watches, satisfied, as your eyes roll back while your mouth drops open in pleasure. his heavy balls smack your ass loudly as he splits you open on his cock. each thrust is getting harder as he chases his second orgasm.

“gonna fuck you full of my cum all night, baby. not gonna stop until you’re pretty little pussy is full of me.”

[psi-hate]

i've been working this new job for about 3 weeks, but due to them putting my bank details in incorrectly and only having it fixed after the pay date, i have no idea when i'm gonna see it properly deposited into my account. my boss told me "probably in a few days" but still nothing so i may not get paid properly until my next payday on the 22nd. currently i've been working about 90 hours per pay period, which is 10 hours overtime, due to some people quitting meaning im working 6-7 days a week being the only one who works the overnight shift anymore.

it's been really exhausting, and i'm hardly able to get any sleep with how stressed and wired it's been leaving me. i'm constantly needing to uber to work because they keep calling me in early 10 minutes before they need me in so i can't catch a bus and make it in time, and it's been draining my already empty account. i have $20 left to last me at least a week and i have to spend that much every day on an uber just to arrive on their whim on time.

i really need some help right now. at least until i get paid, things like groceries and transportation and whatever else i need i can no longer afford. i was hoping i'd never have to ask this again, especially since i'm employed again, but things have been snowballing for weeks and i could really use a little help to make it over this hill.

if anyone can spare anything, please feel free to do so via my ko-fi:

i really appreciate it. i am hopeful things will calm down within a week or two, i'll get paid, and have my schedule back to 3-4 days instead of 6-7 so i can finally rest. just hate that i'm the only one left to carry the burden of this rapidly collapsing workplace and don't have anything to show for it due to factors outside of my control.

thanks for reading. i hope everyone is doing alright <33

[vanfleeter]

Cuddle Bug // Danny

Pairing: Danny x reader

Warning: pure fluff

Author's Note: Just wanted to write a fluffy Danny blurb. Ps, couldn't add a page break on mobile, will edit that in later.

Summary: Danny misses you and misses cuddling you.

It’s been three months since the tour started. Between the phone calls and the late night texts, Danny needs something more. Something he’s been craving since the day he left. That something is you.

He misses holding you in his arms, feeling your warmth warm his body. He misses nuzzling his face in your hair and smelling the scent of your shampoo until he drifts off to sleep. Cuddling a pillow in a cold, lonely hotel room or the god awful, uncomfortable bunk on the bus just doesn’t cut it. It doesn’t fulfill his needs.

So when the first break of the tour comes around, he’s the first to jump into action and take the first flight home. Landing in Nashville at the ripe hour of three in the morning, he takes an Uber home so he wouldn’t have to wake you. When the car pulls up in the driveway, he hops out and dragging his duffle bag with him and rushes up to the front door.

As eager as he is to finally cuddle you, he wants to be extra quiet as he unlocks the door and throws it open. Kicking off his shoes and hanging up his jacket, he drops his bag on the floor by the stairs and climbs the flight to the second floor.

Slowly pushing open the bedroom door he peers inside to find you curled up in a ball underneath covers that are drawn up to your face. A smile spreads across his face as his body buzzes with excitement.

Tip toeing over to the bed, he carefully crawls underneath the covers and wraps his arms around your waist. No movements come from you indicating to him just how deep in your sleep you are. Most definitely will be a surprise when you wake up the next morning.

Loving being the big spoon, he curls into your body and nuzzles his face into your hair. When he inhales the scent of your shampoo, he notices that it’s not your usual scent. Instead he smells strawberries. He smiles into your hair and inhales it again. Soon he falls asleep smelling your strawberry scented hair and cuddling you closely.

The next morning when he wakes up, he finds the bed empty and you're gone from within his arms. He pouts and lays his hand on your pillow. Hearing the door open he turns his head to see you walking in and carrying two mugs full of coffee.

“Good morning.” You beam as you climb onto the bed. You hand him one of the coffee mugs before sitting down on the bed. “I was pleasantly surprised to see you when I woke you.”

“Surprise baby.” He says leaning over to kiss you.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

You give him a kiss before settling into the bed with your coffee. “It’s been so lonely here without you.”

Danny sighs. “It won’t be much longer.” He says.

“How long are you here now?” You ask.

“A week.” He says. “The whole seven days.”

“Lovely.” You set your coffee on the nightstand and cuddle back into his body. “I bet you missed cuddling every night.”

“You have no idea.” He says as he softly traces different shapes on the skin of your arm. “Hotel pillows just don’t cut it.”

“Well you have me for a whole week, so we can make up for last night.”

“I am never letting you go.” He says holding you tighter.

Eventually he finishes his coffee as you slowly drift back off to sleep. Readjusting your bodies, he pulls you back against him and wraps his body around you. Snuggling into the warmth of his torso, you wrap your arms around him.

He only wishes the two of you could stay like this forever.

O fim

[performing-personhood]

I'm all for being the change you wanna see in the world. But damn, like, please also cross-reference that lifestyle with the world you actually live in before you make drastic choices.

I have acquaintances, here in my major-but-not-capital city in my American central-western state, that strongly believe that a sustainable future relies on car-free communities. I don't disagree. Especially considering our city is one of the least-walkable cities in the country - we're sprawling, our public transit system is so laughably horrible it's actually an embarrassment, and many of our major thoroughfares don't have bike lanes and/or sidewalks - we definitely would benefit from a sea change in how we view walkability and transportation.

My acquaintances believe in this so strongly, they've sold their car. They commute, run errands, and do their kid'a school drop-off and pick-up solely on bicycles.

Fine. Your life, your choice.

Except now one of them needs to be in the Major Capital City tomorrow (a Saturday) at 4pm. Major Capital City is 70 mins by highway @ 75mph north of us.

As mentioned, we do not have adequate public transport. There are two public/private options between here and there, both of them are busses that sell out quickly on weekends. One of them goes only to the airport. And she does not have a car anymore. So her options at the moment are catching the 5:30am bus and carrying an overnight bag with her for twelve hours, or paying close to $100usd for an Uber.

So now she's all up in my feed literally begging for a ride, and receiving basically zero sympathy nor offers of assistance. She's getting all mad and ranting in ALL CAPS COMMENTS on her own post about the state of our transit system. (Because that'll fix it.) She isn't actually blaming anyone for not helping her, but that is clearly an unspoken factor in her frustration level.

I am so baffled and bemused.

Because ummm, you did this to yourself? You're the one who knew the state of the transit system when you made the transportation decisions for your family? You're the one who sold your vehicle as a way of sending a message about your morals and ethics, which is roughly equivalent to gluing yourself to a Starbucks countertop, and now you're mad that you're facing consequences for that decision?

FAAFO, babes.

Look, I want a post-scarcity utopia as much as the next fool, but I'm also aware that nobody gives a dry rat shit about my individual choices. Because they only impact me. If I don't have a car or if I recycle or if I compost or if I only eat organic free-range meat once per week, it won't make a modicum of difference to my community. Me making the choice to recycle isn't going to slow down wasteful corporate manufacturing practices. My compost isn't gonna save the entire planet or even my own neighborhood from being ravaged by climate change. My careful and narrow meat consumption choices will not make a dent in the profitable ubiquity of inhumane factory farming. My choice not to have a car will not be the catalyst for my local governmental officials finally taking public transit seriously. The little individual choices we make might improve your individual life, but do not and will not impact the world around us in measurable ways.

And its pretty staggeringly arrogant to assume you're so important that your choices will be different.

[matildesimaoblog]

new beginnings

September 13th - 24th

Last spring, I registered for a French semester in Paris. I translated necessary documents, took an entry-level exam while I was in Dublin, booked an Airbnb, and bought a surprisingly cheap TGV ticket.

I arrived on Wednesday, September 13th with two heavy suitcases and intermediate French, which I hadn't practiced since my language stay in Nice last April. To say that it was a struggle to carry my luggage from la Gare de Lyon to the other side of Paris, specifically the 7th arrondissement, might be an understatement. Because I've been to Paris multiple times, I'm familiar with the number of stairs in every metro station. This city's public transport clearly wasn't designed for travelers and little girls like me who don’t have a single strong muscle in their body. Before my departure, I had the fantastic idea to take the bus to my Airbnb because a) there wouldn't be any stairs involved, and b) it would be more affordable than a taxi or an Uber. Although I think the bus journey to my accommodation was easier, I still arrived sweaty and exhausted. So, even though I kind of recommend taking the bus instead of the metro when you arrive in Paris, don't expect it to be effortless.

As I've mentioned, I'm here in Paris to study and improve my French. I chose to do this semester because next year I would like to pursue a Bachelor's degree (une licence) in France, and to do that, I have to have at least a B2 level of French to enter a higher education institution. Currently, I'm studying at the Sorbonne Nouvelle University, which offers a variety of diplomas such as the Diplôme Universitaire de Langue Française (DULF) that I'm pursuing.

The evening I arrived, I went grocery shopping. I had to go to 5 different stores because the selection of products was small, and they didn't really have what I wanted. It turns out that not every Carrefour is the same. Apparently, there are different types, such as Carrefour City, Carrefour Express, which is even smaller, and Carrefour Marché, which I later found on Google Maps. Based on my personal grocery shopping experience, I thought the Carrefour Marché in the 6th arrondissement was the best one. They have a wide variety of items. During my first week, I found myself in that grocery store multiple times, and you might think I'm crazy, but I'm convinced that grocery shopping is a new hobby of mine. Is buying food a necessity? Yes. Would a normal human being therefore consider it a hobby? No. But the argument in favor of it being a valid hobby is that I definitely enjoy it more than the average person. So yes, basically, I have a new pastime.

Before my classes began, I had a few days to get some things done. I bought my Navigopass and a French SIM card, which caused me a few issues. Somehow, there was another person using the same French number as me because when I changed my number on WhatsApp, I was added to over twenty random group chats. I figured the only thing I could do was go to the store and explain the situation. Until then, I spent my time deleting a large unnecessary number of group chats with identical names. Like, how many "Paris to Miami" groups do you need?! Eventually, my problem was fixed by simply getting a new number again.

On the weekend, I visited the Musée Rodin, which I hadn't been to before. I was obsessed with the architecture, and besides the multiple statues, they had some incredible paintings. After walking around the museum, I sat in the garden for a while to read and enjoy the quiet. To my surprise, I saw a rat — my second one so far. When I was here in 2020, I had my first experience while walking along the Jardin des Tuileries. I also had the opportunity to visit the Bibliothèque Sainte-Geneviève, the most beautiful library I've ever seen, because of the journées européennes du patrimoine that were happening in Paris.

During my first week in Paris, I started to face the reality of being an adult. Having to cook for myself on a daily basis is exhausting. I really don't understand how my parents and other adults I know were able to do it for so long. Furthermore, I'm trying to be financially responsible with my money because I haven't gotten a job yet, and life in Paris is expensive. I think living alone in general is something I'm getting used to. I had a few moments where I felt alone, especially before making friends. Considering the fact that I'm an introvert, I'm not always motivated to be social, which was the case during this first week. But sometimes, it can get lonely. I suppose I'm trying to make new connections, but I should probably still consider that spending time on my own can have a positive effect on my well-being as well.

This is the beginning of a new chapter in my life, which I will try to capture in short videos and almost weekly updates in the form of a blog post. Enjoy!

[fraener]

12/21/22 (part 2) and night

i didnt end up going back out bc by the time poetry club ended it was 9:30 and 24 degrees out. we had a wonderful time, dan and shady are really wonderful poets and people. it was strange at first to share our work like that to each other so formally but by the end we were having lots of fun with it. we each shared three with each other. shady and i didnt get to chat just the two of us cause it got very late and dan was feeling sort of sick so he ended up staying past when the bus ran, but shady couldnt drive him home safely cause their car is broken so he took an uber. we had a great time hanging out just the two of us before shady got there and for a bit after. we are gonna hang out again soon at some point next week i think, although i might see if i can postpone till after my trip. i had beets and yellow rice and herring for dinner, late. i had fitful sleep, i dreamed i ran into milo, of carrying something really difficult to carry, r came crawling back and was trying to befriend me and hans again and was asking if she could cook us dinner and was trying to hang out with me, looking at a house to maybe move into that was in the middle of being remodeled but had a large garden to work in. i woke up after getting woken a few hours earlier by a surprise visit by the street sweeper and a man screaming and the garbage even though its thursday and theres nothing on the street. this time when i woke up i felt like i was at my moms house before i opened my eyes. the livingroom window is frozen shut so i cant feed the birds until it thaws.

[lcngdays]

Jamboree is no fan of the bus. Not really. Especially not in unfamiliar cities. But his phone had died so it wasn't as if he could just order an uber at this point! Technically, he wasn't supposed to be here at all. In Philadelphia. He'd never been before and he didn't really care about it, other than the fact that he had decided he hated the airport he'd flown into. They'd lost his luggage! It was all around a nightmare, but not nearly as big of a nightmare as if he'd taken the connecting flight he was supposed to take to North Carolina.

...come to think of it, maybe that's where his luggage ended up.

All Jamboree has at the moment are the clothes on his back and a backpack he'd used as a carry on bag. There wasn't much in the backpack, but at least his wallet was in it. He could buy his essentials while he stayed in a hotel here for a week or two. Enough to satisfy his boss that he was "well rested," and "properly vacationed out."

Whatever. He didn't need a vacation. But, here he was all the same.

When the person he sits next to speaks, Jamboree startles slightly. He glances over, and, despite his irritable tone and demeanor, Jamboree keeps an unbothered smile on his face. In his opinion, most people being mean simply needed a little kindness directed their way.

"well, hello to you too! I don't know much about busses, but i thought the front seats were reserved for old people and, you know, people with disabilities and stuff? we don't really have public transportation like this back in kodiak, so! what do i know." He laughs softly. "i'm guessing you aren't interested in conversation though, huh? that's okay! we can just sit here... in awkward silence... if that's what you want..."

i hate the bus. it's loud and crowded and full of a bunch of idiots. i would much rather be driving my range rover home from work, but i can't do that right now. it's in the shop. because mac borrowed it and 'all of a sudden it started acting weird' even though it had been fine prior to him borrowing it. asshole, breaking my fucking car. thankfully mac was still closing up at paddy's right now, so i was alone. which apparently was a gift that would be short lived, due to some guy deciding to sit right next to me. a whole bus, and he decides to sit next to me? jesus christ.

"seriously, guy?" i can't help but ask, head snapping to the side to stare at the other with a raised brow. my hand raises, gesturing at a pair of two empty seats towards the front of the bus. "all these options for peace and quiet and you decide to sit right next to me?" my eyes roll and i turn to look out the window, letting out a heavy sigh as i watch the city move past us.

19.  TRANSIT :  for one muse to sit next to the other on a public transport, @lcngdays.

[sarahlynnirl]

Losing my best friend - Sugar Daddy culture is not empowering

I finally feel strong enough to talk about this and hopefully get some love, support, and reassurance from other women who agree that this is fucked up. I’ve never been “terfy on main” before so here goes. (TW child abuse + SA but no graphic descriptions of SA)

My mother is a narcissist who financially and emotionally abused my father and myself, with some additional physical abuse of me, for as long as I can remember. My dad made plenty of money but my mom controlled it all and made sure it didn’t go towards anything for me beyond the bare minimum required not to look obviously guilty of child abuse and neglect. I met Kiara (not her real name) when I was a junior in highschool and she was a freshman. Her mom was a single Korean woman doing her best to support Kiara and her 2 sisters while also running a Korean restaurant. My first jobs were a summer camp counselor and fitting room attendant at Forever 21. I would spend the last scraps of my paycheck making sure Kiara was able to order a full meal when our friends went out to dinner, buying her little gifts, and generally trying to keep us both as happy and healthy as possible.

When Kiara graduated highschool her mom drove her into Koreatown New Jersey, got her a room in the apartment of an acquaintance, and basically left her to fend for herself. Kiara spoke barely any Korean. She began working at a Korean salon where she met Ariana (not her real name). She had a NY cosmetology license, not an NJ one, while Ariana was an illegal immigrant from Korea so they were both overworked, underpaid, forced to work overtime, paid under minimum wage, and deprived of their tips. They couldn’t report or complain about this since they were both working illegally.

Kiara had to pay rent for the one room she occupied despite her land lady yelling at her, walking into her room while she slept, banning her from having friends over, and reporting to her mom if she spoke to a guy on the phone or a guy dropped her off. I was working at a restaurant in my college town on top of my classes and doing my best to keep surprising her with little gifts, but neither of us had enough disposable income to afford to visit each other. This was really difficult for me as she was my favorite person in the world and I was used to spending every second with her when we both lived in upstate NY. Ariana got them both to start using SeekingArrangement for one time meet ups with Sugar Daddies where they were paid anywhere from $200-2000 for sex. “The first time I ever did it I walked out of the hotel and just screamed because I was so disgusted and I was thinking about his wrinkly skin touching mine and all I wanted to do was get in the shower and scrub it off but I had $1000 cash in my hand for a couple hours of work which was so crazy and kinda made it all worth it ya know?” - Ariana to me

I was immediately skeptical and a little grossed out but Kiara genuinely seemed happier. She was buying new clothes for herself, ordering food to the apartment when she was hungry, and taking trips into NYC to have fun with Ariana and her friends. By the beginning of the summer of 2019, Kiara had found the Sugar Daddy who she would establish a long term agreement with and who ultimately ended up completely supporting her. I’m not going to say his name here but if people want to know it just ask, I am willing to share. He moved her into a much nicer much bigger apartment with Ariana as her roommate. He paid for me to fly up and visit her, and all of our activities during this vacation. I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m so sorry. I wish I shoved the money back in her hand before it was too late, I wish I worked harder and longer hours and got us an apartment in Florida and paid both of our rent. I’m so fucking sorry I didn’t listen to my instincts and allowed her to brush off my concerns. It was the most freedom we had ever had, I ran around NYC by myself while she was at work, and my ex took the bus to NJ from upstate NY and joined us for a few days. I feel so selfish but I also didn’t know how bad things would get.

One night Kiara and I went to NYC for dinner with her SD and she took the bus back to the apartment because she had to work early the next morning. It made sense for me to stay in the city because I was supposed to visit my friend at NYU the next morning. In the Uber to his apartment alone with him he was drunk and high and I very clearly looked scared shitless. At this point she was 19 (but she had looked that way since age 17 and I doubt he would have minded if she was lying about her age), I was 21 and he was 44. He seemed offended by my discomfort and was basically like “jeez relax I’m not gonna touch you, I really care about Kiara I think she’s so amazing, just go to the guest room and sleep, make a left to walk to NYU when you wake up.” I peaced the fuck out of there early the next morning.

After that summer Kiara and Ariana quit their jobs at the Korean salon and sugaring became their sole incomes. Ariana was still doing one time meet ups, not nearly as financially stable as Kiara, and got herself into a lot of credit card debt that to my knowledge she’s still in. At this point Kiara was flying down and staying with me in Florida so often that people at my college thought she went there too. I also wasn’t working at this point because college had gotten harder and my ex was fucking up my mental health real bad. He had given me a coke problem and Kiara sending me “grocery money” was enabling me to continue. I wasn’t honest with her about where all the money was going. During Halloween week we didn’t know that she couldn’t just snort molly (MDMA) with the frequency I was doing coke, she ODed, my guy best friend took us to the ER, it was so fucking scary, she got IV fluids for 2 hours and made a full recovery, she stopped doing molly, I kept doing coke. I’m so sorry :(

In November her SD paid for us to take a trip to Cancun Mexico. He was with us for the first part of the trip and this is where things started to get really bad. He tried to be my friend and act the way a boyfriend of my best friend who was my age would, but it was creepy and wrong and I was so uncomfortable. He asked about my drug use in a way that was gross and shamey and basically him seeing me as the “coke whore” stereotype...while continuing to buy me more coke. He also brought and gave us ecstasy pills. He asked really invasive questions about my relationship with my ex, why I stayed, my sex life, etc. It felt like an uncle asking me these questions, I did NOT wanna talk about any of this with him. But from what I did say it was very clear to someone with 44 years of life experience that I had an abusive mother, an addictive personality, and was in an unhealthy relationship. He offered to set me up with an SD friend of his looking for a sugar baby. I of course declined because I always knew this was a boundary I wasn’t willing to cross. No matter how bad my addictions got I would NOT give up that piece of myself in return for money.

In this part of Mexico, drugs that were only given with a prescription in the US were available over the counter. Kiara and I got a little box of 1mg Xanax with my money. My ex had given us Xanax a couple times in NY and we had fun with it, but at this point in time we did NOT have a problem with it. We had bought one bar, broken it in half, and each took half one night of Halloween week and called it “xanpires”, but this wasn’t something we were scripted or buying regularly from plugs. We went to dinner with her SD, we got up to go to the bathroom, and she immediately slipped and hit the ground. I was like woah did you take one of the xans and forget? Because we were supposed to tell each other if we were taking one so we could look out for each other. I was never mad at her! I never wanted money from her! I was just a little concerned, and once I determined that she was safe we thought it was kinda funny that she had taken a xan without realizing and started joking around about it. Her SD of course didn’t understand how a 19 year old and 21 year old girl joke with each other because he was a creepy old man, decided that we were “arguing”, and got up from the restaurant, walked across the street, bought a 90 count bottle of 2mg xans and gave it to me. This was honestly the most irresponsible way someone has ever treated me in my life, and this is coming from someone with an abusive and neglectful parent. Google “benzo withdrawal” if you’re not familiar with it.

We went to a different hotel, and Kiara and I both took xans and blacked out. I passed out on the guest bed, while Kiara was awake but in a conscious blackout. I woke up on the couch on the balcony (which was fine, it was comfy and I saw the sunrise over the beach. The gross part was that meant her SD had picked me up, put his hands on my body while I was unconscious and carried me out there). I remembered that at one point I had woken up, wanted to go to the bathroom or get something from inside, caught a glimpse of what I thought was them having sex, and went back outside. I mentioned it to Kiara and she had no memory of it whatsoever, she thought all she had done was gone to sleep. She was rightfully pissed the fuck off that her SD had taken advantage and done things with her while she was blacked, screamed at him, he gave us a half ass apology, and bought us more stuff (buying our silence). He finally flew home and we got to enjoy the trip with just each other, but I was careless with the dosage of a drug called tramadol, and I ODed with my head in her lap...I’m sorry. When I woke up I was hallucinating, hearing voices, crying hysterically and terrified. Kiara called my ex who asked how many mg I took, told us I was 100mg short of the amount that would require medical attention, made me laugh, and told me to go to sleep. I recognize how scary and unfair to her this was and I really do take responsibility for my actions. The day I was supposed to leave I did ecstasy, hooked up with a guy from Canada, and tried to skip my flight. She was mad because like yeah what the fuck. She got me on the flight, the ecstasy comedown hit, and there’s pictures of me crying in the airport because I hated when we fought.

I was supposed to stop in Miami, then fly back to my college town but while in Miami I texted my granny that I was “sad and really didn’t feel good and could she and my uncle visit me at the airport and bring my uncles dog?”. Her parenting instincts went off that something was very wrong, made me skip the flight, picked me up from the airport and took me to her house where I immediately threw up and ran an extremely high fever that night. She said it was one of the scariest nights of her life and she kept checking on me to see if I needed to go to the hospital. She drove me back to my college town where my guy best friend took me to the ER and it came out that Kiaras SD, in addition to giving me drugs, had also allowed me to drink Mexican tap water throughout the entire trip. I was treated for that + given chlamydia meds just in case since I’d had unprotected sex in a foreign country. I was fine, promised to do better, Kiara forgave me, things started to go back to normal. Except I had begun taking Xanax daily to deal with the anxiety of the illness...and she had a trip to Bali planned.

During that trip things managed to get even worse. She was there with her SD and another Korean friend and her SD was pressuring her and guilting her into sex, isolating her from her friend, going through her phone, and becoming extremely aggressive. She would call me crying and having panic attacks and I would walk out of class to try to comfort her over FaceTime. She did not have panic attacks before this trip. She begged to go home early because something was very wrong but he said it was a waste of money and kept her in Bali until the planned end of the trip. I think it was almost a month. She sent me a recording she secretly took of him screaming at her and her saying “don’t touch me, don’t grab me like that, leave me alone”. When she got back to the US I was begging her to stop. I was so worried for her safety. I said the money wasn’t worth it, we’ll get jobs, please just stop. I’m pretty sure he read those messages. We also had a suspicion that he had installed spyware on her phone but were never able to prove it. At this point I also reached out to my dad for help and his response was basically “I don’t care, not my problem, focus on school”. I reached out to my granny who absolutely cared, but her response was “I’m sorry but I can’t afford to support her, I have to focus on taking care of you, if she won’t stop this you’ll have to stop being friends with her”.

I went home to New York for winter break, suffered through my first round of Xanax withdrawal and was truly trying to get better but my ex manipulated his was back in my life and got me addicted again....but now this bottle of 90 had run out. I went back to my college town, got scripted, and was copping street bars when my script inevitably ran out early. What comes next is blurry for obvious reasons. We moved to the town in Florida my granny lived in and got an apartment together. The female friends she made in our town (my current home) she got most of them into sugaring and using SeekingArrangement. Things deteriorated super fast at this point. I was struggling hard, failing my online classes, and eventually got completely financially cut off by my parents. My granny was paying my half of the rent and my puppy’s vet bills but I was too embarrassed to admit I couldn’t afford groceries. Kiara was pressuring me hard to go on SeekingArrangement but I still refused. I would sit on the floor of the bathroom in a towel after I showered and just cry because the steam made me nauseous and dizzy since I wasn’t eating.

I met my current boyfriend and something just started to click: I didn’t wanna live like this anymore. The mom of a friend from this town who also refuses to sugar landed me an interview at the gym I currently work at, I fought for the job, and I got it. Now I knew I didn’t wanna be completely fucked up all the time anymore but I was still doing enough Xanax to keep me out of withdrawal. The 2mg that had blacked me out at the beginning were now just barely enough to keep me functional. Kiara and I were fighting frequently and bad by this time. She and her partner in sugaring, Mena (not her real name but pretty close to it, fuck this bitch fr) were expecting me to keep how they made their money a secret....from friends and guys that I saw every single day. They both very obviously did not work and were flexing new cars, designer clothes, and cash all over their social media. Kiara thought she could cover her ass by saying she dealt drugs but it was also obvious that she wasn’t putting the time into that to come up with the amount of money she had. The only one dealing drugs was me, and not enough to do anything flashy, just enough that in addition to my work money I was usually getting enough to eat. But there were still some times when the previous weeks paycheck had run out and I was having my first meal of the day at 3pm after someone had bought adderall from me. We had our serious serious fight where she threw my stuff in the lawn and I lived with my current boyfriend full time for about a couple weeks since my bedroom at my granny’s was getting refloored when this happened.

By January 20th he was concerned by my Xanax problem and wanted me to seriously try to stop. At the time I started tapering because I wanted the girlfriend title but I’m forever grateful for him giving me a reason, even if it was a shallow one, because I just needed to START. We tried to reconcile once, despite boyfriend and guy best friend begging me not to, and of course the same problems reappeared, we had another serious fight and haven’t spoken since.

Now the fog is clearing and today I’m 96 days clean of xanax, 16 days clean of all benzos, and 19 days clean of gabapentin (what was keeping me from having a seizure while quitting benzos). But it’s hard because being out of the fog means feeling all of my emotions, even the really bad ones. This past week I’ve been waking up and crying sitting in front of my mirror trying to put my makeup on for work and it just drips right off and I have to start over. She was my best friend for 8 years. My favorite person. My partner in life. I loved her more than anyone.

My boyfriend and guy best friend are pretty uncomfortable when they hear someone express an opinion of me that’s “Kiara’s side of the story” and I don’t correct it. Both of them saw exactly how bad it got near the very end and don’t get why I don’t defend myself more or tell people about her letting my dog eat dab (THC) wax while she was supposed to be watching her and having to be rushed to the animal hospital TWO separate times. (She’s a Pomeranian and the highly concentrated THC was super dangerous to her tiny little body). Yelling at me and giving me the silent treatment because less than 48 hours after my SA she expected me to drive her to a hair appointment in Miami and I woke up late and didn’t get her there on time with traffic. Me begging her to be there for me when it felt like everything was falling apart and I self harmed for the first time and her leaving me to go on a vacation to Orlando with a girl we didn’t even really like. Me not wanting to sleep in the apartment alone after my SA and her not letting me sleep in her bed anymore, her and Mena just dumping me at the neighbor’s so they could continue to sugar, party, and see guys our age at night (this sounds super awful but neighbors roommate —> current boyfriend. He kept me safe until I felt better, was really sweet and careful, and I was the one to make the first move). There’s more but I really don’t like talking about it, after the abuse she went through and I assume is still going through, I expect her to be pretty damaged and not have it in her to treat people right all the time. Not exposing every bad thing she’s ever done to all our mutual friends and acquaintances is kind of my last gift to her.

I also admit that sugaring wasn’t responsible for everything that went wrong. Loving an addict is difficult and exhausting and I went through it myself with my ex. I was also out bi and she was “probably straight, maybe a little bi-curious” in her words. But when she was drunk or on Xanax she’d kiss me first...we had done more than kiss but only during 3somes with a guy. I don’t know, I think I loved her more than I was supposed to and some of the stuff she’d say made me think she saw me in a way she really didn’t. When we first moved to this town I had a thing with a girl and expected it to be no big deal but things here were different than up north. I got called the d slur for the first time by someone who wasn’t joking. It was like getting slapped I was so shocked and hurt, I truly didn’t think that happened anymore. I think she saw what happened to me and kinda closed off that part of herself because she didn’t wanna experience that herself. She stopped making out with me at bars and parties after that and it made me sad and maybe a little jealous. But I really do blame her SD for basically “breaking her”, for handing me that first bottle of free Xanax, for a lot of other little things that I can’t possibly include because this is already way too long. This is my first time even saying this much. Feel free to add your own experiences or thoughts on this or anything you’d like. [I’m prepared to get death threats or called a SWERF or whatever but I don’t care, now that I started talking about this I’m not going to stop.]

[alwaysahiccupandastrid]

This Sarah Everard case is so terrifying for women. But not only am I terrified - I am furious.

⚠️ tw for mentions of r*pe, sexual assault, violence against women, murder etc. ⚠️

She was just walking, including walking by busy roads and not dark alleyways. She was dressed in winter clothes. Even if she HAD walked down a dark alleyway or been wearing something short or “revealing”, she still wasn’t doing anything wrong - she was just walking somewhere.

Her murderer - a police officer named Wayne Couzens - plotted to murder a woman to live out his perverse fantasy. He didn’t plot to kill a specific woman - he knew he would murder a woman, any woman he thought he could abduct, any woman who would be out at night on her own. Sarah was just there.

Not only did he drive miles and hours to kill a woman, not only was he a police officer… he used his badge, police belt, handcuffs and credentials to fake arrest her to get her into his car. If a police officer tells you to go with them, we’re told to not resist, to be obedient or we will be in even more trouble. Even if she HAD done what the MET have just said women should do - “question non uniformed officers!” - it wouldn’t have helped her because he was a police officer. He had the credentials. Why would she run away and resist a police officer? And if women do resist, the police commit violence against them (like at the Clapham Common vigil for Sarah).

He handcuffed her, drove her for hours, then raped and murdered her. This fucking monster strangled her with his fucking police belt. He burnt her body and disposed of her in a pond.

A police officer did this - a fucking police officer, a MET officer, the MET we’re supposed to trust. And you want women to trust them?!!

And I don’t want to hear that “don’t judge the whole profession based on one bad apple”, because guess what? This is not the first time a police officer has harmed a woman. There is misogyny rooted deep in the MET that needs to be addressed. Wayne Couzens was literally nicknamed “The Rapist” by other police officers and had offended in the past by flashing people, and that’s just what we know of - and yet not a single person did anything. The police joked about it. Several officers gave character references supportive of Couzens during the hearings for his sentencing, and female officers told the press that they did not feel as if they could report concerning behaviour by male colleagues.

It’s thought that at LEAST 15 serving or former police officers have killed women in UK since 2009, and HUNDREDS of UK police officers have convictions for crimes, including assault. There are many cases that do not go reported, and so it’s likely the numbers on both counts are actually higher. Why are they still allowed to serve? Why is our government giving them more power and freedom to arrest whoever they please? “It’s not that many” - IT SHOULD NOT BE ANY.

If you can’t see why there’s a huge problem with our police force and why we say “fuck the police”, you’re part of the problem.

And the fear and anger we feel isn’t new - this has been a problem for literally all of our lives.

At 11, I learnt to come home before dark, and if it was dark in the winter on my way home (meaning: every night in winter), I was taught to not go down any dark lanes, and if I was walking the dark lane I had to go down if I got the bus home, I was to walk as fast as I could and to not have earphones in because i wouldn’t hear attackers. Every day from September 2009 to July 2014, coming home from secondary school, I was told to either wait for my dad or grandad to pick me up or to walk down the busiest road that ran near my house and had constant cars on it. I couldn’t take the shortcut down the public footpath on my way home from sixth form college because it was too dark and isolated - I had to go around it and through the village instead, which took more time but was vaguely safer. Since university, I’ve made a point of waiting for the hourly bus that stops just round the corner from my home and on the busiest road, even though I have to wait up to an hour for it usually, because getting the bus that comes every 15 minutes means walking up the dark quiet lane.

At age 13, I learnt not to talk to even very friendly men, even not in broad daylight, even with a female friend, when some old man approached us and started complimenting us, telling us we had “nice smiles” and “I can hook you up with someone who can help you get into acting” and “here’s £10, you go down to the garage down the road and get whatever you girls want”.

At 14, I learnt not to sit in trees in the park by the gate, not even during the day when it’s sunny, when an old man entered the park, took one look at me, and said “you’ve got a nice arse”. I couldn’t prove he had said anything, and I would see him on my way to school sometimes and panic.

At 19, I learnt that I could not trust friendly men online. Apologies to any decent men I have spoken to online - there’s a few who are nice and not weird, I’m not talking about them. I learnt this when a guy I was speaking to on my old blog - who had for weeks just been generally nice and checking in on me - started to send intimate and sexual messages that started with “*hugs you*” and became “*spanks your ass*”, “takes your clothes off”, “f*cks you hard”, just to name a few (and these were the milder ones). When I asked his age, he merely said “older” than me - “more than twice as old as you”, actually. I learnt to not talk to men online, and if I did then I had to set very clear boundaries in a way that wasn’t too obvious - not say it outright but make it clear I am “unavailable”.

I have to carry a rape alarm on my keys, just in case. I could go out to bars if I wanted to, I could have at university when all my peers were - but doing it meant risking the chance of being harmed while intoxicated or on my way home. I have to send my location to my mother if I get any Ubers, if I go out to theatres or cinemas in the evening I have to text my mum to say I’ve arrived safe. I only feel safe out at night if I’m with a man that I trust like my dad or grandad - I got very lucky at Uni because not only did one girl make sure I got home safely at 1 in the morning by calling me a cab, but one boy even stayed with me on another night until my dad arrived to pick me up, because he knew leaving me intoxicated at 2:30 in the morning was dangerous. I have even phoned my grandmother while walking home in the dark because being on the phone to someone means you’re less of a target to an attacker.

Men do not have this experience - or, if they do, it’s nowhere near the fear and worry women feel every day. Women can’t even walk somewhere without being worried of being attacked - we cannot go anywhere without asking ourselves “am I safe?”. Are we wearing the “correct” clothing, so as to not give off the wrong idea? Are we walking down the well lit roads where it’s busy? Are we aware of our surroundings, of every single person nearby? Do I have my keys in my hand, ready to defend myself if I’m attacked? Women are blamed if we are attacked - not men, but women. “She was dressed slutty” “she was passed out drunk” “she was walking down a dark lane” “she was out late”.

When doing safe guarding training at my current TA job, I came across this phrase: “always think it can and will happen”. Just as a teacher or TA should not think “none of my students will be victims of abuse”, women should not for one second believe that they are safe and “it will never happen to me” - every day we have to think of how to prevent our own assault or murder, just in case.

Every time I’m walking home in the dark, I have the fleeting wonder of “what picture(s) of me will they use if I’m attacked or go missing?”. I was not really surprised when I saw that other women said the same thing. Women wonder it so often it’s almost a joke, an absent minded thought. But it’s not a joke - it’s real life for us, every single day.

Sarah Everard is not a one off case. Sabina Nessa, a 28 year old primary school teacher, was murdered on 18th September this year, her body discovered the next day by a dog walker. So far in 2021, 110 women have been murdered in the UK by men (or men are the prime suspects). Only a handful get national attention because at this point, violence and murder against women have become normalised in this country.

I am not only heartbroken for all of these women and their families - I am scared for my own safety; I am scared for the safety of my mother, my grandmother, my aunts. I am scared for the safety of my 20 year old sister, the safety of my 17 and 14 year old cousins, for the safety of my older male cousin’s two daughters who are only 4 and 1. I am scared for the safety of every single girl and woman I have worked with, the safety of every woman I have ever spoken to.

But I am also furious and filled with rage. Women should not be scared to go out or have fun, we should not have to take such precautions or measures that still won’t completely prevent our assaults or murders. I am sick and tired of the victim blaming when a woman is murdered, of the indifference of “oh another woman”, of this being how women are expected to live their lives.

I’m tired of this problem being ignored by our government, tired of no one giving a shit about us or our safety.

[gretavanbitch]

Tangled up in blue- 2

warnings- drugs lol 

One month and six weeks prior- 

Keeping herself busy when Josh was gone was no easy task for Penny. She tried her hardest to focus on work, sitting in front of rows of developed film, feeling burned out. There was no good reason for this feeling, simply that she was lonely. Sighing, she thought of the only thing to relax her and calm her mind without Josh, weed. 

Her bare feet padded across the hardwood floors of their loft softly, overalls rustling slightly as she made her way to their bedroom. She walked to the brown cabinet next to her side of the bed and pulled out a small encrusted gold box. This box was opened probably too often when she was home without Josh, but also when he was there. She pulled out a filter, and papers. Then taking a bunch off the gram, she grinded it slowly, closing her eyes and wishing she was somewhere else. As her hands moved absentmindedly, she imagined what the boys were doing right now. They were probably on some tour bus or green room getting drunk, which sounds a lot more fun than getting high alone. She imagined Josh, sitting in some plush chair with some extravagant jumpsuit on, smiling and laughing with his friends, without her. She decided to shoot him a text, just some reassurance that he was still there. 

Penny: Hey babe, Jake try to murder you yet? 

Sent: 8:23pm 

She sat, licking the joint closed and waiting eagerly for a reply from Josh. After five minutes, she decided that she would put on a record and smoke, just to pass the time. Joni Mitchell’s Blue started to reverberate off the walls of the apartment, causing her to smile softly to herself. She remembered back to the first road trip she took with Josh, playing this album over and over again until they reached the other side of the country. His hair would run wild with the windows down, and a smile never left his face that week. Snapping back to reality, she brought the joint to her lips and lit her lighter, inhaling deeply and falling back into the couch. After the record had run through both sides, she felt like she needed to do something with her day other than smoke and miss Josh. 

Once again, the rows of film stood daunting before her. It was as if they were the royal guard for an impenetrable force in which her motivation was protected. With a hazy mind, she started flipping through the photographs of the recent week, smiling wider with each one. Your favorite was one that you took of Josh outside of a cabin in Washington. He stood away from the camera, but was smiling straight at it, teeth shining and bandana around his neck. That was the most beautiful sight she had ever seen, the purest form of natural beauty. Nothing like anything, ever. She also chuckled to herself as she flipped to one of Sammy biting Josh’s hand, and Jake posed dramatically against a boulder.

She loved the way that the light reflected with the camera lens, and the way that it interacted with the subject. Just as she was about to write down a title for the series, her phone buzzed on the table next to her, lighting up with a notification from Josh. 

Josh: Hey mama, just got off stage, it went great. I wish you could've seen it. How did the film come out? 

P.S, Jake has tried to stab me sixteen times already. 

Sent: 12:34AM

Penny: It came out great, here see. 

Attachment: 3 images 

Sent 12:35AM 

Josh: Beautiful, my love. You have a gift for manipulating the light, it's amazing. Can we talk or are you too tired? 

Sent: 12:36AM 

The thought of talking to Josh without seeing his face and expressions change with each word, caused her chest to hurt with want. So instead, she clicked the Facetime button rather than call. 

Her phone vibrated for a few seconds, panging in her ear loudly. Yet within the blink of an eye, she was greeted with her favorite pair of brown eyes staring onto the screen in front of him. She smiled, and floofed her hair to make sure it didn’t look too trash. 

“Hey pretty lady,” he smiled at her. Josh was laying on his back on a bed, presumably on the tour bus. He was lacking in a shirt, but the beads that always decorated his neck hung down past his chest. His hand was stretched above his head, and the phone was angled up from his stomach. 

“Hey pretty boy,” she responded, positioning the phone in a more comfortable position on the couch, “watcha up to rockstar?” 

“you know the usual, living the life, but I really really really wish you were here, everybody does.” His eyes blinked slowly, showing signs of tiredness, but he would never reveal that to you right now, your time was too precious. 

“I do too, trust me its so fucking depressing here with just me and Marely,” she sighed, reffering to the tabby cat that her and Josh adopted together a few months ago. 

“aw how is she?” He asked, smiling into the phone. Penny moved the camera to her right, displaying the cat that was curled up by her hip. 

“She is great, but wishes she was living the rockstar life,” Josh chuckled to Penny’s response. 

“Okay but seriously Pen, can’t you just call sick for one week, say you got really bad food poisoning,” he pleaded. 

“If I say that, then I feel like I will accidentally manifest that I will actually get food poisoning for a week,” she laughed into the phone. 

“fair point, but it’s not the same without you here, I’m not the same without you here,” his tone shifted to a more serious one with every word, looking straight into her eyes through the screen. 

“I mean technically I’m on studio time right now, so they wouldn’t know if I came with you for a week or two...or they would fire me,” she scratched her chin, thinking out the possibilities in her head. 

“If they fire you, then just go freelance, they never fully understood your work anyways,” he smirked at her, knowing that she always complained about the company she was hired by, repeating their failures for understanding creativity. 

“Alright Kizka, you drive a hard bargain,” Penny smiled. 

“Is that a yes?” Josh’s eyes widened at the blonde girl through the screen. 

“it is not a no.” 

“fuck yes, so I can book you a plane ride to California for tomorrow?” He now got up from the bunk, excitedly running to his computer. 

“Mhm, just tell me what time.” 

“Ok here’s one, leaves Nashville at 8, gets in Cali at 10,” Josh said, calculating the time difference in his head. 

“you are such a bad influence, Kizka,” Penny rubbed her forehead tiredly. 

“I will see you tomorrow my love, get some sleep okay?” he smiled at her tired expression, kissing the camera of his phone sweetly. 

“see you tomorrow.” and with that she hung up the phone and exhaled loudly. What just happened? One conversation with Josh and she hits the road. It makes her think back to when she didn’t have anyone, and spent years alone in her little studio apartment, taking photos of walls and birds. Now she would drop everything with the snap of his fingers. In her heart she knew that her dependency on him for happiness was not right, but she was too deep in. Her head was stuck underwater, surrounded by the cool rush of his love. The flaws went unnoticed by both of them in fact, just simply mistaking it for head over heels infatuation. 

As her head hit the pillow, she thought that the emptiness of the room was less significant as it was a few hours ago. Maybe it was the excitement of the idea of not sleeping alone tomorrow, or just the few minutes of hearing his voice. Whatever it was lulled her softly to sleep. 

In a hazy dream, she remembered her and Josh’s first kiss. It was outside of their favorite bar after their second date. He stood next to her, shoulder pressed to hers, and hand interlacing with her own. He was wearing his usual attire, a white long sleeved shirt and tan pants. Yet he looked extravagant, his energy was inherently outgoing. As he says, the Kizka’s have a “flair for flair”. The cool wind seemed to push the pair together, jostling her hair softly as he looked over at her. His eyes were slightly hooded, closed just a slightly against the wind. Her glances fell down to his cupids bow, admiring its shape, then to his lips where she wished she never had to leave. He noticed the shift in her gaze and did the same himself, smirking at her. She smiled, tugging his chin towards her. His hands laced through her hair, smiling into the kiss. Their lips met, and they fit together like they were made for each other, and no one else. 

Her alarm forced her out of the wonderful image that played in her sleep, jutting her eyes open to the harsh sunlight of the morning. She quickly packed an old leather suitcase with a few pairs of jeans, shirts, and dresses, knowing that she would be stealing jewlery and sweatshirts from Josh. In what seemed like five minutes she was at her gate, coffee in hand, and camera stowed in her carry-on bag. She decided to text Josh that she was about to board the plane, knowing that he was probably still asleep. 

Penny: Hey, boarding now. I’ll text you when I land

sent 8:05am

She then put her earbuds in, deciding on listening to the new album, just so she was prepared to sing alone at the shows. It wasn’t like she hadn’t memorized it the night it came out, but she always felt bad listening to it with Josh, it just felt odd to her. The first song to come on shuffle was Light My Love, and she nearly cried remembering the fireside performance she witnessed a not too long ago. 

The plane ride went by in what felt like minutes. Her mind was racing with so many thoughts, most about getting in trouble with work, but others about Josh and how excited she was to see him and the rest of the band. The tires of the plane landed in California with a jaulting thud, and she was brought out of her dissociation. 

She knew that Josh expected her to uber to the venue, after all he was probably just waking up now. So she called an uber, standing outside of LAX clad in an old Janis Joplin shirt, flare jeans, and her classic high heeled leather boots. Penny looked straight out of the 70′s, but Josh felt like the 70′s, a pair who perfectly complimented each other. 

The uber ride was bumpy and seemingly and hour too long. She finally reached the venue at 11:46, hastily thanking the driver and sauntering to the tour bus parked behind the stage. She knocked a few times on the door, and after the third time, she finally heard a groggy “what do you want” 

She smiled, pushing the door open with her foot and walking up the stairs, she was met with a pool of long brown hair and a very naked Jake laying on one of the bunks. Josh was nowhere to be seen. 

“Oh hey Penny, what are you doing here?” Jake asked casually, ignoring the fact that he was naked. She was not phased by the latter twins actions, after all, she spent a fair amount of time with the band and often felt like she was equally as close with all of the members. 

“Just lookin for my loverboy, any idea where he is?” She answered, leaning against on of the seats camly. 

“I think I remember him saying he wanted to go hear the acoustics of the empty stage, so maybe he’s there,” Jake answered groggily. 

“thanks,” she said as she made her way, now at a faster speed then before towards the back entrance of the venue. The staff didn’t seem to bat an eye at her as she hastily walked hallway after hallway until she reached the back of the stage. Then she saw him, standing with his arms out wide, silently absorbing the feeling of the empty arena. 

“babe?” she said, accidentally making it sound like a hushed whisper. 

The curly headed man then turned his head over his shoulder, smiling. His smile widened nearly ten fold when he saw the girl to his left. She looked amazing, her hair seemingly always falling in just the right way, she paused for a moment, reaching for something in her bag. 

“don’t move, and look forward again, just like you were before,” She smiled and clicked the shutter of the camera, knowing it would be beautiful, every photo with Josh in it is. She then put the camera away and ran into his arms, collapsing into his embrace. He hugged her tightly, moving his hands up and down her back. 

“I missed you so much my love,” He said into her hair. 

“I missed you more lover,” she replied. 

Hey pretty people! I hoped you liked this chapter, I may or may not write another either tomorrow night or by sunday! Asks are open for Jake or Josh imagines BTW!

[lagringalatinaincolombia]

New Beginnings⛅️

Hello and thank you to anyone and everyone who has come across my blog! 💙🧿

In case you aren’t up to speed I moved to Bogotá, Colombia 🇨🇴 a few weeks ago to start my Fulbright English Teaching Assistant fellowship. Many of you that personally know me are probably wondering why I didn’t share this sooner... but honestly I packed my bags the night before and hopped on my flight without much preparation. I knew the day was approaching but with all the uncertainty in my life this past year, I didn’t wanna get my hopes up in case for whatever reason my program was canceled. In addition, for those of you who may not already know, I lost my father very unexpectedly in March of this year, that has left me with this incredibly heavy feeling I carry along everyday. All this trauma has ultimately cost me some of my friendships, made me feel so BITTER and, quite frankly made me dread having to start each day all over again. However, I’m hoping to change this and not allow myself to remain in the mindset of being a victim to all the loss and tragedies I’ve experienced in the past year. Because I believe that if my dad could see me right now, he’d be so proud and brought to tears to know all the love,support, and hard work my mom and him showed me has paid off. And finally understanding that, I know that I will be okay. (I totally cried while typing that 😅)

Anyways- now that I’ve prefaced this with all my emotional baggage 😌 I’ll tell you a little more about me in general.  I’m originally from Houston,Texas and Mexican-American however, I never really spoke Spanish growing up because it was kinda seen taboo in the 90s to do so. So once I began high school I really started gaining more interest in learning more about my culture and the language. Then, I moved to Cedar Rapids,Iowa to begin college where I decided to minor in Spanish. Going to Coe was such a beautiful experience where I had the opportunity to meet some amazing people from all over the world. It also allowed me to go to Spain (my biggest dream at the time come true!), which made me realize “like wow.... I really need to improve my Spanish speaking skills” because 1. it’ll allow me to have a greater connection with my culture  2. it’s super vital if I want to return to the US and begin a career. and 3. I couldn’t communicate with my host brother who was 3 years old at the time (yikes 🙃)

After this experience in Spain, I knew I had to return to a Spanish-speaking country to fully learn the language. This is when I started the application process for Fulbright Colombia and in April of 2020 I got the news that I was a finalist! In May of 2020, I “graduated” from Coe College with my B.A. in Biology & Neuroscience however, my Fulbright was deferred for a full year.  Which now knowing what I know about how 2020/2021 played out was probably a blessing in disguise. 

I’ve now been living in Colombia for a few weeks now, and wow has it been so chaotic! The culture shock is very much a real thing and I can truly say moving here has been one of the most challenging decisions I’ve ever made considering the timing. I have my good days and bad days, especially when I’m less anxious and able to engage in conversations when doing things as simple as ordering food or an Uber. (which are both pretty essential when living here) We also have to remember we are in the middle of a pandemic so doing things like establishing cell phone service or getting a bus card is a huge headache because you need an appointment to do pretty much anything. In addition, safety here is on a decline due to the desperation of many Colombians and Venezuelans trying to figure out where their next meal is coming from amid the economic decline. Thankfully I am safe and living in a great neighborhood known as Chapinero Alto! Yet, there is still lots for me to learn when it comes to navigating life here in Bogotá. 

This is where I’ll end my blog today, thanks again for reading! Hopefully my next post will be more insightful of my day to day life.

Besitos, Leslie ❤️

[moldisgoodforyou]

the one where they go rollerskating

summary: jj and charlie go rollerskating. charlie breaks her wrist 

warnings: broken bones, cursing (like always), drinking 

wordcount: 1.4k

"watch yourself, walker.” jj warned, watching as his girlfriend knocked back her third shot of the pregame. she rolled her eyes, pouring him a tequila shot and setting it in front of him. “I’m fine, j, I’m still sober. it’s just fireball.” he shook his head with a laugh. “just fireball? you scare me.” she grinned, ducking out from under him as he ruffled her hair affectionately. “don’t we have to go soon?” he asked, checking his phone. charlie leaned over to look. “oh shit, yeah, let’s go. wait, take your shot.” 

“no chaser?” he asked, lifting it to his lips. she grinned and grabbed a lime wedge, putting it between her lips. he laughed, taking the shot, then kissed her soundly, ending up with the lime in between his teeth. “see, that would be a lot more fun as a body shot,” jj reasoned, smirking. she blushed red. “maybe later, if you’re lucky.” 

the pregame was small at charlie’s house, before the kappa sk80s date party. jj was decked out in a windbreaker and short shorts (that he had to keep adjusting, much to charlie��s amusement), while charlie had on a leotard and neon tights. the date party at the rollerblading rink never ended well for charlie given her clumsiness, and for some reason she decided alcohol beforehand might make it better. 

they made it on the bus to the event without getting caught - not easily, as charlie’s tell while drunk was leaning on jj like it was her job. once they entered the rink, he got them both skates and they laced them up. charlie stood first, overconfident, and her feet immediately went opposite ways and she fell forward. jj caught her by her upper arms, steadily pushing her back up. “I take it you’re not good at skating, pretty girl?” he teased and stood with her. “I’m not the best?” she hedged, taking baby steps. 

he carefully pulled her to the rink then turned to skate backward, offering his hands. “here, I’ll pull you.” she took his hands, allowing him to pull her in a slow lap around the rink. “this isn’t fair, how are you so athletic at everything?” she complained. 

he grinned. “takes practice, walker. just gotta be smooth.” 

“you’re giving yourself too much credit.” 

he raised his eyebrows and released her hands, then took off in a fast lap around the rink until he came up on her from behind, grabbing her around the waist. she squealed, grabbing onto his forearms. “careful, careful!” he laughed and set her down, giving her a little push. “you wanna take that back?” she rolled her eyes. “fine, I guess you’re a little good at skating. I bet I could beat you in a race though.” he scoffed. “yeah, okay.” 

“I could!” she argued. he nodded, skeptical. “alright, go ahead. I’ll give you a headstart.” she skated away at a steady pace, but still slow. he let her get halfway around the rink before skating around quickly, catching up to her. he gave her a push as he skated past. “beat you!” he kept going, then glanced over his shoulder to see her sitting on the ground. jj skated back. “come on, drama queen.” she shook her head. “no, j, it hurts.” he rolled his eyes and reached down to grab her hand, pulling her up. 

when she let out a yelp of pain, he immediately dropped her hand and crouched down. “oh shit, charlie, how’d you fall?” his eyes were wide as he took her wrist to inspect it (carefully, this time). she winced at his touch. “I put out my hand to stop my fall, it really fucking hurts.” he frowned, concerned, and gently prodded it again. she sucked in a breath, tears springing to her eyes. “j, please!” 

he grimaced. “okay, charlie, I’m gonna help you up. we gotta get you out of these skates.” she shook her head. “no, I can’t.” 

“yes, you have to.” he stood and pulled her up by the waist, wrapping a tight arm around her shoulders. they made their way off the rink, charlie cradling her wrist, and he sat her down. “do you think it’s just bruised?” he asked as he untied her skates, then his. “I mean, you’ve never broken anything before, so maybe you’re exaggerating the pain?” charlie let out a hiss through her teeth, trying her hardest not to cry. “maybank, I love you, but fuck off.”

he coughed to disguise a small laugh. “right, I’m sorry. do you think you need to go to the hospital?” she stared off at something in the distance, unfocused and not paying attention. he waved his hand in front of her face. “charlie?” he questioned, grabbing their shoes and slipping his on. she tried standing - too quickly - and promptly passed out. 

she came to a moment later in jj’s arms, dizzy. “charlie? charlie?” jj panicked, holding her tight. “I don’t feel good.” charlie complained, leaning into him. he let out a sigh of relief upon hearing her and swept her up into a bridal carry. “I can see that. I called an uber for us to go to the hospital, ok? I got you.” he was extra-careful as he carried her out to the parking lot. “do you think you fell ‘cause you’re drunk?” she gaped at him. “you pushed me! this is your fault!” he shook his head quickly. “no, no, I didn’t push you that hard!” 

“you totally did! and I’m not drunk, I’m barely even tipsy! set me down.” he shook his head, tightening his grip on her. “no, I don’t want you to pass out again. that was fucking scary.” charlie rolled her eyes. “I’m not going to pass out. put me down.” 

“no.” he insisted, gesturing as the uber pulled up. he carefully set her in the car then ran around to the other side and got in. he pulled her so she could lay her head across her lap. the driver glanced at them in the mirror. “hey man, she kinda needs her seatbelt on...” jj glared. “she just passed out and her wrist is the size of a softball, I think she’s fine.” charlie laughed quietly. “I can sit up, j.” he pressed on her shoulders, keeping her in place. “no, you’re fine, it’s close.” he ran a hand through his hair, his voice going up a little in pitch. “can you speed up, dude?” 

the driver glanced back again. “we’re at a red light?” jj let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in. “right, sorry. keep up the good work.” he carded his fingers through charlie’s hair, anxious. “jj, I’m fine.” charlie emphasized. “no, you’re probably broken, and it’s because of me.” she paused, not wanting to make him feel bad - but enjoying it, a little bit. “just don’t freak out, I need you to be chill.” he nodded quickly. “right. chill. I’m totally chill. one hundo chill.” 

they pulled up to the ER entrance and he ran around, not letting her lift a finger. jj carefully assisted her into the ER and filled out most of the paperwork for her as they waited. “wait, what’s your middle name?” she yawned, leaning into his side. “don’t make fun of me. it’s after my grandma.” he paused, gently poking her with the butt of the pen. “why would I make fun of you?” she rolled her eyes. “it’s gertrude.” he grinned. “no fucking way.” she sighed. “I told you, don’t make fun of me.” 

“nah, it’s cute.” a pause. “gertie.” 

“jj!” she exclaimed, flicking his shoulder. he laughed. “it’s cute! I’m calling you that from now on.” she groaned. “fuck off, I’m broken.” he grinned and kissed the top of her head. “you’re not broken, sweetheart, I think it’s just a big bruise.” she flipped him off with her good hand. “it is broken, and it’s your fault, and I am never letting this go.” 

sure enough, the doctor confirmed a broken wrist and had her in a cast by midnight that evening. jj called a pledge to pick them up, doting over her like it was his job. the next six weeks, he didn’t leave her side once, save for class (she made him drive her, even though her legs worked perfectly fine). even after she got the cast off, she still held it over him, especially when trying to convince him into something he didn’t want to do. “hey j, remember when you broke my...” he always cut her off with a scowl. “yeah, yeah, we’ll do what you want.”  

[devilatmydoor]

Anna!! Angel!! Congrats on 1K babe 💕 Can I request a lil something for “After everything we’ve been through, you still don’t think that I love you?” with Luke? -blackbutterfliescal💛

Brooke!!! You are the angel omg!  I hope you like this, I got a little carried away, surprise surprise  😅

“After everything we’ve been through, you still don’t think that I love you?” 

___________

3 months, that was less than a semester at school but it felt so much longer. It may not be  the first time he had been on tour for weeks on end but to no surprise on your end -  it felt like the first time all over again.  You kept replaying the morning he left for tour in your head;  how long he held you in his arms,  the way he smelled and how soft his voice was not wanting to let go of you. Neither of you wanted to be separated from each other for 3 months but someone needed to watch Petunia and take care of the house, he trusted you the most so you opted to stay home. It seemed like a fairly easy decision at the time, until the first week without him dragged on for what felt like a month. You couldn’t sleep because he held you at night and talked to you until you fell asleep, you couldn’t eat due to the fact that you both cooked together or ordered take out, listening to music was daunting trying to find songs that didn’t remind you of him or how you felt about him.

He called when he had time, texted you every day when he finished a show and when they arrived in the next city. He sent pictures of his outfits before going on stage when he remembered and asked how your day was and how it went no matter how tired he was.

The last time you spoke to him on the phone was almost 4 days ago, the longest you’ve gone without talking to each other. He couldn’t hide how much he missed you if he tried, his voice soft and endearing. You waited until you knew their show was finished and dialed his number, after 3 rings it picked up and he answered, "Hey baby, I was just about to call you."

The sound of his sweet voice made your heart swell, "Oh yeah? I missed hearing your voice."

"I know, I'm sorry I've been in a weird mood lately" He admitted followed by a sigh. You were starting to put the pieces together why you hadn't spoken to you in a while, he hated calling you and bringing your spirits down. That didn't mean that you preferred not hearing from him, hearing from him even if he was feeling down was much better than not hearing from him at all.

"Luke, you could've called me."

"Baby I didn't think you wanted to hear from me." His voice defeated on the other line made your heart ache. You couldn't physically do anything to help him but send your unwavering support.

"Why wouldn't I want to hear from you?" You asked, hoping he'd realize that you wanted to hear from him no matter what.

"I don't know. Hows petunia?" His voice wasn't as animated as it usually was when he asked about her.

Something was up with him and you had a feeling he wasn't going to tell you, "She's good, sleeps on her giant bed in our room."

"Yeah? I'm surprised she doesn't sleep with you." He mentioned followed by yet another sigh.

You were shocked he didn't make a remark about how he missed sleeping next to you. The both of you always said you slept better next to each other than alone.

"She sleeps with me when I'm on the couch, how was the show tonight?"

You could hear him cough and say something to Ashton before answering, "It was good, the crowd new every lyric including our new songs.”

“That’s great, where are you headed tonight?”

It took a minute to respond, “Pittsburg, I think.”

Luke usually knew where he was headed next, at least he tried to. You couldn’t help but wonder what was going on that he was being so secretive, “Luke I��m worried about you.”

“I don’t need you to worry about me! I can take care of myself!” He said angrily before hanging up on you completely. He never hung up on you on purpose, he always said goodbye and I love you, no matter what.

Something was going on with him and you were determined to figure out what, you weren’t sure how you’d figure out what it was. You couldn’t sleep after your conversation with Luke, the way he abruptly ended the conversation scared you in ways you couldn’t explain.

__

A week had gone by since your last phone call with Luke, he didn’t even text you to let you know where they were. You asked the boys to let you know if he was okay and safe, it wasn’t him but it was enough for the time being. You longed to hear his voice but you knew bothering him wasn’t going to help, it was hard not blowing up his phone but you wanted him to come to you.

Your phone vibrated against the nightstand waking you up abruptly, you grabbed your phone before it fell on the floor. You answered it before fully waking up and realizing who was even calling you, “Hello?”

“Did I wake you darling?” The familiar voice on the other line alarmed you, she usually texted you causing you to wake up.

“Yes but it’s okay Mrs. Hemmings, are you guys okay?” You asked as you sat up on the matress.

“Call me Liz darlin’. It’s not us I’m calling about. It’s Luke.” She sighed and you got up from the bed in anticipation of what she’d say.

“What about Luke?” You asked nervously as your heart rate sped up by the second.

“He misses you, more than he ever has. Last night’s show didn’t go well and he needs you. He’s not listening to any of the boys.” You weren’t sure how to feel about what Liz told you but you knew what you had to do.

“Thank you for calling me, I didn’t think he missed me that much. I’m gonna fly out there as soon as I can.” You sniffled as you tried to hide your emotions.

“Of course, sorry I woke you. Get some rest okay?” She comforted it before you said your goodbyes. You got out of bed and grabbed your laptop and turned it on illuminating the room. You looked at the tour dates and found the next show, searching various websites before finding a ticket tonight at 8pm. You texted the rest of the boys to inform them of your visit and to not let Luke know so he wouldn’t try and stop you.

After waking up fully you packed your bags and prepared yourself for yourself for what was to come. To your surprise the airport wasn't as busy and your flight was okay as far as flights went, the air was stuffy and the snacks were sub par. When you landed you immediately let the boys know so they could tell you where to go, they sent you the address to the venue and you anxiously sat in the backseat of the uber. Your nerves took over as your hands shook and your heart raced, once the uber dropped you off you grabbed your bags and waited for Ashton to meet you.

“Thank god you’re here, he’s been in a mood all day.” Ashton divulged as he walked with you backstage.

“I hope I can help.”

“Michael and Calum are on the bus to give you both some space.” Ashton mentioned as he stopped in front of the door, he slowly opened it and said “Hey Lu, someone’s here to see you.”

“Maybe I don’t want to see them.” You heard Luke say sassily as Ashton stepped out of the doorway so you could enter the room. Luke was laying down on the couch, looking at his phone. You cleared your throat and his eyes met yours. He sat up straight and cleared his throat, “Baby?”

You closed the door behind you as you walked up to him, “Hi baby, your mom called me.”

He sighed deeply before standing up to meet you, “You didn’t have to come.” His voice defeated as he ran his fingers through his curls.

“Do you not want me here?” It took everything in you not to cry at his words, he looked exhausted

He shook his head and grabbed your hand, your fingers intertwined as he led you to the couch, “Of course I do, I just don’t want you seeing me like this.”

“Why wouldn’t I? Luke talk to me.”

You both sat down on the couch and he let go of your hand slowly, “I’ve just been thinking a lot; you deserve better than me. I’m never home long enough for us to spend the quality time together that we need. I’m not good enough for you, you deserve someone who is always there and giving you everything. I wouldn’t be mad if you wanted a break or didn’t love me.”

“After everything we’ve been through, you still don’t think I love you?” You sighed before holding his face in your hands, “Baby, I’m so in love with you Luke. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life. I don’t want anyone else, I want to be with you.”

“I love you so much, I don’t want to be with anyone but you. You deserve the world.”

“You are my world, Luke. You are more than good enough.” You kissed his lips softly as he held your waist.

“I love you.” He whispered on your lips before kissing your lips again, he picked you up bringing you into his lap, “I’m so happy your here, I missed you.”

“I know, I’ll stay as long as you need me.” You wrapped your arms around his neck as he nuzzled his head in your shoulder hugging your waist tight.  

tagging my faves - @sanrioluke @twilightmomentswithyou @blackbutterfliescal @suchalonelysunflower @honeybunchcalum @himbocalum @lukeysdimples

[bxcketbarnes]

Subtle Changes

Pairing: Ashton Irwin x Reader

Words: 2900+

Request:  Don’t know if you’re taking requests rn beaut but if so maybe something with ash where you’re on tour with him and you’ve just been feeling unwell from all the traveling and start gaining a little weight, thinking it’s from the new routine but you’re pregnant and neither of you knew but you’re a few months in ❤️🥰😘xx

Author’s Note: I. Fucking. Love. This. Fic. Like, you’ve got no idea. I sent so many snippets to my friends because I just wanted to share how goddamn cute it is. It’s probably one of my favorite Ashton fics I’ve written. I hope it’s how you were kinda looking for it to go! I love the idea, the request is amazing, so thank you, anon. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I do. xox ALSO I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE. THEY SAY I LOVE YOU A LOT, LMFAO. THEY’RE VERY LOVING I COULDN’T HELP MYSELF.

I laid in Ashton's bunk, my arm covering my eyes as I deeply breathed in and out of my nose. The boys were currently on stage and I stood on the side of the stage for a good portion of it before I started to feel sick. My stomach churns and I can feel the bike traveling up my throat when I quickly get up without bashing my head, sprinting into the tiny bathroom to empty the food in my stomach.

Tears came to my eyes, a reaction I have every time I'm sick, as I lean against the small sink. I sniff, dragging the back of my hand across my nose. "What the fuck," I mumble confused since I've never been this ill on tour.

I've joined Ashton and the boys on their North American Tour with The Chainsmokers. The day after we left was when the illness started and it's been almost three weeks and it hasn't really let up. I could hear the tour bus door open and I glance towards my right to see Ashton standing in the doorway of the bathroom.

"You feelin' okay? Matt told me he saw you rush out," he mumbled, hearing the worriedness in his voice.

I nod my head, giggling quietly. "I'm alright. I think the constant moving every night is getting to me," I reassure him and his frown deepens.

"Come on, you," Ashton mentions and reaches a hand out to me. I grab it and he pulls me off the floor. His hand moves to my waist, dragging his thumb across the fabric of my shirt. "I have to go back for Who Do You Love but as soon as I'm done I'll come back, alright?"

I nod my head, smiling softly at him as he leads me towards the couch. I furrow my eyebrows, wondering why he brought me here and not back to his bunk. I realized why when he reaches for the television remote, turning Netflix on.

"You're the best boyfriend, you know that?" I asked him as I laid down, looking up at the brunette.

Ashton chuckles, bringing up the horror movies before handing me the remote. "I gotta make sure my Queen is comfortable," he grins before dipping down to press a gentle kiss on my forehead.

"If you're feeling up to it. I can have someone drive us to the nearest Walgreens?" He questioned and I nodded.

"Of course. Now go rock the crowd, baby," I tell him and wave my hand off, not wanting him to miss his queue.

He puts his hands up in surrender and giggles. "I'm going, I'm going. I love you, sweetheart," Ash mumbles and my heart flutters.

"I love you too, baby."

-

Sounds of talking and footsteps woke me from my slumber, my eyes fluttering open. I look around groggily, groaning a bit as I push myself up from the couch. I slowly get off the couch, my stomach still feeling wonky and head towards the living area of the bus.

"Y/N? You alright?" Cal's voice piped up and I snap my head towards him as he cooked something in the microwave.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm alright," I mumble quietly to him, giving him a small smile. "Where's Ash?"

"He said he went to the store," Michael answered and I glance towards the blonde, frowning. "He also said you looked so peaceful sleeping that he didn't want to wake you up. Have you been sleeping alright?"

I shake my head, wrapping my arms around myself. "I don't know what it is but I've been just… nauseous about everything. It's never happened on any tour I've joined you guys on," I comment and the boys’ frown.

Michael reached forwards as I sat across from him, resting the back of his hand on my forehead. His eyebrows were furrowed as he pulled his hand back after a few seconds. "You don't feel like you have a fever," he mentioned and I couldn't help but frown again, wishing I could figure out what's going on with me.

I leaned my chin against the palm of my hand, tracing the shapes that are on the table when the tour bus door opened. I turn my head, seeing Ashton step into the bus, his hazel eyes set on his phone screen. A smile comes to my lips as he carried two grocery bags in his hand, closing the door with his free hand before looking up from his phone.

"Hey, baby, you're awake!" He smiles softly and I nod my head, leaning back against the seat.

"I am. Sorry that I fell asleep," I tell him and he shakes his head, pressing a loving kiss to the crown of my head.

"That's okay. I know you haven't been sleeping well, feeling you toss and turn against me most of the nights so I decided to let you sleep," Ashton mentions and I rest my head against his hip. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm alright," I mumbled quietly as Ash runs his fingers through my hair. He sets the bags onto the table, going through it before pulling out some Nyquil and soup.

"You hungry?" He asked and I shrugged my shoulders, glancing up at him. He frowns slightly, stroking his thumb across my forehead. "Have you eaten at all today?"

I pull away from him, leaning my head against the wall. "A little bit. I've been really nauseous so a lot of the food around hasn't agreed with my stomach."

"You think maybe you should see a doctor?" Luke asks from the couch and both me and Ashton glance over at the concerned bandmate.

"I think you should," Ashton agrees and looks back down at me.

A groan leaves my lips to which Michael chuckles. "Fine, fine. When we get to the next city I'll go see a doctor," I mumble before getting up from the seat. Ashton wraps an arm around my waist, stopping me from going back into the bunk area.

"Hey," he whispered and I glance towards him, seeing his concerned hazel eyes looking down at me, "I love you and I just want you to be happy and healthy."

"I know, babe. I just… hate doctors. You know that," I tell him, giving him a small smile and he nods his head. "Come cuddle?"

Ashton chuckles and nods his head as I reach for his hand, intertwining our fingers. I lead him into the bunk area, seeing Netflix still up as we move to the couch. Ash lays down first, adjusting himself so he lays on his side as I lay down beside him. His arm drapes over my waist, his hand moving under my shirt and starts to stroke my tummy.

I search through the horror movies as Ashton pressed his lips to the nape of my neck. A giggle leaves my lips as his hair tickles the side of my face. "Ash!" I laugh, tilting my head so my neck is unreachable. He giggles, his free hand combing through my hair.

"What?! I'm just trying to love you," he laughs and I shake my head, glancing back at him.

"Well, you're tickling me," I giggle and he smiles widely before pressing a kiss to my lips.

He pouted playfully and I roll my eyes, smacking his hip. I turn around in his embrace, looking into his eyes as Ashton's hand moves to my cheek. He strokes it gently before dipping forward, capturing my lips with his again. A long pleasant sigh leaves my nose and places one of my hands against his chest, kissing him back immediately. My eyes flutter closed as the hand on my cheeks glides down my sides and moves to the small of my back.

I pull away from him after about a minute, keeping my eyes closed while resting my head against his chest. "I love you, Ash," I whispered and wrap my arms around his torso.

"I love you too, Y/N," he mumbled against the top of my head as the tiredness takes over my body once again.

-

"You can't come with me?" I asked Ashton with a frown on my face, fiddling with my fingers as we stood in the living area of the bus.

A sigh leaves his lips and runs a hand through his hair. "I don't think I can. Let me go ask someone with higher authority, alright? I'll be right back," he mumbles and placed a kiss to my forehead before walking out of the bus.

I'm getting more nervous and can feel my stomach do flips, nausea hitting me a bit harder today. I stepped into the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind me. I do my business before washing my hands, hearing a ping come from my phone. I try off my hands, before grabbing my phone from my hoodie pocket.

It seems like you haven't set your start date for your period yet for the past two months.

I furrow my eyebrows, opening the app. I scroll to last month, seeing that the last update I made on my tracker was the month before the tour started.

I must've been so busy that I haven't been tracking it. Hm.

"Baby?" Ashton's voice calls out and I close the app before placing my phone back into my pocket. I walk out of the bathroom, seeing Ashton putting his leather jacket on and his eyes met mine. "Hey, there you are. So, I got the okay to come with you."

A sigh of relief leaves my lips and smile softly at him. I quickly grab Ashton's hoodie, throwing it over my body before the two of us head back out. Calum and Michael were riding around on their scooters, laughing their asses off. "My god," I laughed as he intertwined our fingers together.

"Yeah, sometimes were idiots if you didn't know," Ashton winks at me and another laugh leaves my lips.

"Trust me. I know. We've been together for what? 3 ½ years now?" I asked him with an eyebrow raised and he squeezed my hand, nodding his head with a large grin.

"3 ½ years and counting, baby," he beams and presses a quick kiss to my head.

Ashton and I get into the Uber that's parked right outside the parking lot. The two of us got into the backseat, our hands reconnecting as the guy began driving.

"Good morning, sir," Ashton greets and I glance out the window, feeling the drummer's thumb drag across the back of my hand.

"Morning! How's everything going? I see we're heading to the hospital," the Uber driver questions and glances at us through the rear-view mirror.

"My girlfriend hasn't been feeling well for a while, so we're finally seeing someone," he chuckles and I scoff, slapping his chest.

"I'm fine! It's just a stomach bug or something," I mumble quietly.

The drive to the hospital didn't take long and both of us thank the driver as we stepped out of the vehicle. We walked inside and I tell the receptionist that I had made an appointment for today on short notice. Ashton and I didn't wait very long until my name was called, our hands glued together the entire time. I couldn't help but think about what my period tracker app said earlier and I find myself biting my lip almost every minute since arriving.

"So, Y/N, right?" The nurse asked as she motioned for me to get on the scale.

I nod my head as Ashton stands beside me, his arms crossed over my chest. "That's me," I chuckled nervously.

She mumbles the weight to herself before I get off the scale. The lady leads us to one of the exam rooms and I sit down onto the exam table. "Why are we here today? You didn't express the reasoning on the phone," she asked and I glanced towards her, reading her nametag.

"I joined my boyfriend," I motion towards Ash who sits in the chair beside me and Sarah's eyes take a quick glance towards him to which he gives a small wave, "and his band on tour a couple of months ago and for the majority of it I've been ill. It wasn't too bad at first but it's definitely gotten worse."

She nods her head, typing my explanation into the computer as I fiddle with my fingers. "Alright. So, are you throwing up a lot?"

"Yeah."

"And when was the last time you had your period?"

Ashton takes a quick glance at me as I was quiet for a few seconds before I spoke up. "About two months ago, I think. With this lifestyle, everything's been so hectic so I guess I didn't really notice that I haven't had it. My period tracker actually sent me a notification this morning," I mumbled quietly.

"Okay. The first thing we're going to do is have you take a pregnancy test and then we'll take some blood to test," she explains and I nod. She walks out of the room, gathering the pregnancy test and I glance towards Ash who had his eyes on me already.

He stood up, standing in front of me and takes my hand into his. "You really think you could be pregnant?" Ashton whispers and I shrug my shoulders.

"That would explain everything that's happening," I mumble and he squeezed my hands, "I can't believe I didn't realize that I missed two periods. Also, I have gained a bit of weight, but I thought that was just from all the junk food we've had recently." I let out a laugh and take my bottom lip between my teeth.

Ashton leans forward, pressing a loving kiss to my forehead. "Whatever happens… I'll be here every step of the way," he mumbled against my skin and I nod.

"I love you," I whispered to him and Ashton smiles softly.

"I love you, baby."

The woman comes back into the room with a pregnancy test in her hands, standing by the open door as she motioned me to follow her. "I'll show you to the restroom, miss," Sarah smiles and I nod, getting off the exam table.

Mine and Ash's hands slowly pull apart as I walk away from him, my eyes glancing back towards him. "I'll be here when you get back.'

-

The five of us were sitting in the dressing room, Mike, Cal, and Luke playing the PlayStation as Ashton and I were cuddled on the loveseat. His hand was on my stomach, stroking gently and my heart flutters, finding it hard to believe that we actually made a tiny human. I rest my head in the crook of his neck, seeing the TV screen.

"So, Y/N," Calum pipes up and I glance towards the blue-haired boy, his honey-brown eyes glued to the game in front of him. "Did the doctor figure out what's been going on?"

I take a quick glance towards Ash, seeing a small smile on his lips and he nods his head. "Uh, yeah, yeah, she did."

Michael pauses the game, the three of them looking at the two of us. "Well, what is it?" Mike asked and sets his controller onto the couch.

I get up from Ashton, walking to the bag I had set on the table in the room. I grab the ultrasound from it, smiling down at it as tears come to my eyes again. Currently, our little baby is the size of a raspberry and Ashton and I don't want to know the gender until they're born. I clear my throat, heading back towards the boys as I sit down on Ash's lap, his arms wrapping around me while handing the upside-down picture to Luke.

His eyebrows furrowed together in confusion, flipping the picture over and his lips part. "N-No way…" the blonde trails off and looks towards his other two bandmates. Calum and Michael get up from their spot, standing in front of Luke as gasps leave the boys' lips.

"Are you serious? You're actually pregnant?" Michael asked and I nod my head.

"Yeah. Eight weeks pregnant to be exact. It explains literally everything, but we've been so busy with this tour that I haven't exactly noticed."

The three boys stand up and rush towards me, giving me a group hug. I let out a laugh, wrapping my arms around Luke and Calum. 

"I can't believe I'm gonna be an uncle!" Calum grins and I giggle.

The door to the dressing room opens, one of the crew members poking their heads in. "Hey, guys, you're gonna be going on stage in a few minutes."

The boys pull away from me and congratulate me quickly before getting ready. I lift myself off Ashton's lap and he stands up. I wrap my arms around his neck, smiling up at him. "Have fun. You're gonna fucking rock it," I tell him and he giggles before pressing a kiss to my nose, then my lips.

"Thanks, baby," Ashton laughs and moves one of his hands to my tummy. "I love you and our little one."

"We love you," I whispered and he leans his forehead against mine. "Cuddles later?"

"Oh, fuck," he groans and tilts his head back, "absolutely."

I chuckle and he pulls away, grabbing his drumsticks. I stand close to the door as he begins to leave when I slap his ass. A short leaves my lips as Ashton halts his movements, looking back at me with wide eyes. "Sorry, I couldn't resist."

"You're such a fucking dork. Now, c'mon," he laughs and grabs my hand, leading me towards the rest of the group.

-

Taglist: @daisyxbuckley @bumblebet-20 @ashtonsunshine @thebookamongmen @h0tsos @asht0ns-world @maddz-world @gotta-try-something-new @twilightparker @ashs-cheergirl @therainydays4 @thatcheekychic @dashlilymark @shower-me-with-roses @lukeskisses​ @latemikedevil​ @fayesfairylights​ @marshmallowtraver​ @trashbin2​ @whatmakesmehappyy​ @morningfears​

[estamos-destinadas]

Fic: Sad-Looking Creatures

The first time it happens, Juliana is halfway into her first year of fashion school.

It’s the weekend and she has just finished a shift at Perlita’s, where she works part-time. She’s crossing the small park from the bus stop when she hears pitiful meowing from the nearby hedges.

It takes a few minutes of hesitation on her part and half an hour on the kitten’s, but she exits the park with the tiny creature bundled in her arms. She carries the kitten all four blocks and three flights of stairs to the apartment she shares with her mom, the filth on its hair clinging to her arms and shirt.

When Juliana enters the apartment, Lupé greets her with a shocked, “What is that?”

Juliana wordlessly responds with a half-sheepish and half-hopeful smile as she moves closer to her mother. “I found him at the park. I don’t think he’s anybody’s pet, and there was no mama cat around. He was the only one there.”

Lupé opens and closes her mouth several times, though she seems unable to say anything.

“Míralo, ma,” Juliana presses on. “He looks so sad.”

As if on cue, the kitten lets out a tiny ‘meow’.

“Can we keep him?” Juliana asks, brown eyes wide and pleading.

Lupé is suddenly reminded of two incidents during Juliana’s childhood, forgotten until now, with the sight of the ugly thing in her daughter’s arms and the entreating expression on her beautiful face.

Juliana was five years old—maybe six—when she brought home a filthy and malnourished dog, its hair missing in patches, its skin scabbed and scarred. Chino took one look at the dog and kicked it until it ran away. Juliana cried all night and some more the following day.

Years later, at twelve years old, she brought home a sick puppy that belonged to a neighbour who apparently didn’t want it anymore. Juliana fed it and nursed it back to health for a week, then gave it to a classmate because she knew Chino would beat it up when he came back from one of his weeks-long disappearances. Juliana shed no tears that time, at least none that Lupé saw.

Lupé’s answer comes easily. “Okay, mija.”

Juliana gives her a wide grin before rushing off to the kitchen to give it something to eat and drink. Later, she gives it a bath, the kitten’s hair turning out to be orange underneath all the filth.

.

When Valentina comes by later in the afternoon, she takes one look at the kitten, fed and cleaned and dozing on Juliana’s lap, and immediately falls in love with it.

The two of them spend the rest of the day playing with the kitten. Lupé leaves them to it, doing her best not to point out that they’re two supposedly grown-up ladies sitting on the floor and making meowing noises.

Juliana gives Valentina the honour of naming the kitten. Her first suggestion of ‘Juliano’ gets summarily rejected by Juliana. ‘Valentino’ is delicately vetoed by Lupé. Eventually, she comes up with ‘Orange’, and Juliana just lets her.

Lupé catches herself hoping that Valentina doesn’t name her future grandchildren.

.

Juliana and Valentina take Orange—Lupé’s not sure how she can ever take the kitten seriously—to the vet the following day. The doctor verifies that Orange is not chipped, after which he gets shots, tests, flea treatment, and even a quick grooming. After that, they go to the pet store where Valentina insists on buying him everything he needs.

Guille and Renata, who returned from their trip only a month ago, ask them about Orange when they meet up with the other couple a week later. Or rather, Renata and Juliana compare notes on their respective pets, while Guille and Valentina compare notes on what it’s like to have your girlfriend own a cat. The siblings’ experiences are vastly different: Orange adores Valentina about as much as Renata’s cat hates Guille.

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The second time it happens, Juliana has just finished fashion school.

She’s jogging in the park one morning, a few days after her graduation, when she sees a tiny cat dragging itself across the footpath, seemingly injured. She stops in her tracks and waits until the cat is on the other side before resuming her run. She takes a couple more laps around the small park, her eyes straying to the cat every time she passes it, until she can’t take it anymore and approaches the cat.

She picks it up carefully and, seeing that it has indeed been injured, she takes an Uber to the vet, where the doctor only gives her a wry smile before seeing to the cat.

When she gets home more than an hour later, Panchito, who is now living with her and her mom, greets her with a loud, “What, another one?”

The cat, which was sleeping fitfully in the carrier Juliana just bought for her, wakes up and gives Panchito a doleful stare.

Juliana grins sheepishly and places the carrier with the cat on the coffee table in front of Panchito. “The vet says she’s not chipped,” Juliana begins to explain, “but she might still belong to a family around here. I was thinking of putting up fliers, but…”

“You and Valentina are going on that post-graduation trip tomorrow,” Panchito supplies.

“Yeah.”

“I’ll take care of it.”

“Are you sure?” Juliana asks. She already intends to ask Lupé, but she knows her mom will sigh and grumble a little bit before agreeing to it.

“Of course, it’s no problem,” Panchito says airily. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Thanks, Panchito.”

.

When Juliana and Valentina return from their trip two weeks later, they find that the cat—already two years old by the doctor’s estimation, and not at all a tiny bird—has somehow imprinted on Panchito, improbable as it may seem.

The cat doesn’t seem to have an owner, so Juliana’s mom and stepdad decided to keep her. Panchito named her Violeta, to Lupé’s dismay.

Violeta adores Panchito and has taken a liking to Lupé, but she’s distrustful of both Juliana and Valentina, clearly forgetting that it was Juliana who picked her up from the streets in the first place.

“I think she’s evil,” Valentina declares a couple of days after their trip. They’re at the apartment—which Juliana will be leaving soon to move in with Valentina—and Juliana is trying to feed Violeta, but the cat is turning her nose up at the offering. “I don’t know how else anyone or anything wouldn’t like you.”

Juliana looks up at Valentina, who’s stroking the head of a purring Orange. “She doesn’t like you either,” Juliana points out. “Yeah, she’s evil,” she agrees a moment later.

Lupé, who’s listening to their conversation, concludes—accurately—that they’re both just jealous.

Violeta has warmed up to them by the time Juliana and Valentina move in together at their new place, but they leave her with Panchito and Lupé because the other couple couldn’t bear to part with her. They do bring Orange with them, setting up his large and comfortable bed in the spare room, though he insists on sleeping in one of the boxes they’d brought during the move.

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The third time it happens, Juliana already has an established career as a fashion designer and she has been married to Valentina for almost a year.

She’s been working from home for the past few weeks, coming up with new designs from hers and Valentina’s shared home office while Valentina goes to an actual office. She gets stuck on a design one day, so she nips out to the nearby park for a bit of fresh air and to reset her ideas.

Juliana loves the park near their home. It’s large—much larger than the one near her mother’s place—full of well-maintained flowers, lined with tall trees, and has a small artificial lake which was considered home by a family of ducks. Juliana and Valentina even have a favourite spot in the park, on a bench under one of the large trees, with a full view of the lake but far enough away from it that they don’t get disrupted by people approaching it.

Juliana is nearing their favourite bench when she sees a black thing underneath it. When she gets close enough, she realises that it’s a kitten, so tiny, its mouth opening and closing as though it’s crying, but it’s unable to produce any sound.

At this point, Juliana is pretty knowledgeable about what needs to be done. She makes sure that the kitten doesn’t belong to anyone, then she brings her home to give her something to eat and drink, away from Orange, who is currently napping in the study. After that, she drives the kitten to the vet. The doctor, unfazed, verifies that the kitten isn’t chipped and gives her the full workup, assuring Juliana that the kitten should be able to produce ‘meowing’ sounds after a few days inside a warm shelter. Juliana drops by the pet store—buying more cat food, litter, bowls, a bed, and toys—before driving back home.

Juliana doesn’t get anything done in the way of work that day, but she manages to make the kitten trust her, getting her to purr even though the kitten can’t make any ‘meowing’ sounds just yet.

.

When Valentina comes home that evening, she finds Juliana watching television with the new kitten sitting beside her, the kitten’s head resting on Juliana’s lap.

“That… is a tiny black kitten,” Valentina pauses in the doorway as she states the obvious.

Juliana smiles sheepishly up at her. “Hi, love,” she greets as Valentina approaches, accepting the kiss Valentina drops on her lips. “I found her at our spot in the park, under the bench,” she says as Valentina sits next to her and starts stroking the kitten. “She wasn’t chipped.”

Valentina looks at her with eyes so loving that Juliana knows she doesn’t have to ask if they can keep the new kitten.

“I want to name her Midnight,” she tells Valentina.

Valentina smiles softly. “That’s a great name, mi amor,” she says. “I’m sure Lupé will be glad that it’s not ‘Black’ or any other colour name,” she adds with a smirk, prompting a laugh out of Juliana.

Juliana asks Valentina about her day, Valentina tells her that it was draining but rewarding—she’s been working on a project to help domestic abuse victims—and that she’s glad to come home to Juliana. Valentina asks about Juliana’s day with Midnight, only remembering how thirsty she was when Juliana told her about how the new kitten quickly lapped up all the water Juliana gave her.

Giving Juliana another quick kiss, Valentina stands up and heads to their open kitchen to get herself a drink, offering to get something for Juliana, who declines. As she pours water onto a glass, she catches sight of Orange, who seems to be sulking in the corner. She crouches down to give their old cat a sympathetic pat on the head before standing back up to grab her water.

“You know… you always manage to find the saddest looking creature in parks and bring it home,” she observes to Juliana. “You just seem to have the nose for it. It’s like a talent. You should add that to your CV,” she adds, grinning from ear to ear at her own joke before taking several self-satisfied gulps of water.

“I don’t know why you’re teasing me,” Juliana says, deadpan. “That ‘talent’ is how I found you.”

Valentina promptly chokes on her water.

.

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