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theawakenedstate · 3 years

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This is the True Moment of Healing…

I can do this.

But the criticism hold strong in my mind.

I can do this.

But my ego keeps telling me all the ways I’m a failure and it will never happen for me.

I can do this.

But my mind keeps guiding me to look for all the things that are actually wrong with me.

I can do this.

Because Actually I love my self so much that I Choose to Encourage myself, instead of constantly beat myself up for my choices.

I choose to trust myself.

I choose to focus on Believing I always make the right decisions because I am tuned into my intuition and my soul.

My soul is guided by my alignment, my magnetism, How could that actually lead me astray,

When i Know in my absolute CORE, My Alignment always guides me to activate my power in the path of least resistance – it can’t NOT.

Once I activate it.

I can do this.

But who are you to have that? Who are you to teach that? You’re still not doing it right?! Who are you to do that, you’re obviously just a beginner.

Who are you, you’re just selfish anyway, a spoiled brat,

A person who only things of herself.

But I can do this.

I’m actually doing a great job being me.

I actually love and accept I am not Perfect.

I actually accept my power today to choose.

I choose to love my shadow and what it teaches me.

I can do this.

I am over shaming the voice of my past.

I am over HATING, the voice of my past.

Instead I choose.

To walk in the face of duality.

Instead I choose,

I Can do this.

I can let my encouragement be stronger than my criticism.

I can do this.

I can recognize a Life built on CRITICISM and JUDGMENT has been destroying my path of success, receiving and refusal to let go.

But I can Love, Appreciate and Accept that encouragement CAN change my Life.

And so the Mind fights for comfort,

While the Soul soothes us into Change.

So the ego fights for safety, while the Soul whispers us to change.

So the mind fights for familiarity and stagnation,

While the soul guides us to step into the unknown of present infinite possibilities and true self expansion.

Liberation can only be found by holding the hand of shadow, while walking with duality into the light.

Are you willing to walk with duality to recognize your own Emotional Liberation?

Alignment occurs the moment we decide to Activate our Power in the Path of Least Resistance.

Alignment is often the glue that is missing when we are looking for:

making our life easier Healing our negative emotions spiraling in our minds Receiving in our manifesting, Managing our emotions so they are healthier, Taming the Voice of the Ego so we can hear soul more clearly,

This is the True Moment of healing…

How do I know?

Because what you see above, is exactly how I started healing YEARS of conditioned criticism and judgment, that constantly held me in a cycle of self-sabotage, emotional neglect, connection and keeping at arms length, healthy channels of true support.

This work sometimes isn’t always easy, but it sure as hell is worth it.

To diminish emotional meltdowns? To have a Life you’re grateful to wake up to in the morning? To have outstanding boundaries that you know who the fuck you are and you won’t allow people to eff with that. To understand your worth sooo deeply, you stop settling across all areas of our lives.

We can say spiritual concepts are fluffy and woohoo

or we can start to realize that understanding the energetics that makes up the core foundation of reality,

is inevitably how we Rise in our Personal Power and begin to take our Life back into our hands.

mmm sooo beautiful to see the world in the true liberation of YOUR PATH OF LEAST RESISTANCE.

It exists within you.

And it becomes more accessible,

when you learn to activate your own personal channels

of true Alignment

inside of you,

Ready to Join us?

THE ALIGNMENT RESET IS NOW OPEN OFFICIALLY

This for those of you who are feeling:

Are you Over Being constantly in “do mode” over-working, over-achieving & sacrificing as a result?

Are you feeling stuck, frozen or letting fear keep you in inaction? Do you find yourself being more reactive emotionally and seeking approval in your relationships? Are you obsessing about those damn hows and getting stopped on what to do next? Most importantly are you not following through and putting yourself last? And are you ready to end the self-sabotage for good?

If I am hearing a hell yes – then it’s time for an Alignment Reset 😘

This Challenge is designed to get you out of Misalignment and teach you over the course of 21 days the unique ways we can access our personal energetic alignment.

The challenge will also teach you some powerful techniques to Shift your Mindset & reprogram your mind so you can stop letting fear run the show.

This will be a 21 day Journey together with mini-coaching Lessons each day where you will learn:

How to Cultivate More Awareness to Remove Resistance Patterns

Manage your Energy to Shift your Mindset & environments

Raise your Vibrations Naturally to Re-align with Higher Truth & work with your body

And

Manifest with more ease by exercising your Co-creative Power from a place of Alignment.

How it Works:

This challenge will be self-paced with a free fb support group to share your journey and engage with other members through the challenge.

Receive immediate access to the challenge and day 1 upon purchase so you can dive right in. receive day 2 the next day and so forth.

You Receive: Each Day You receive a Video Lesson, Journal Prompt, Mantra, Action step or exercise as your challenge assignment. Also with the option of a fb mini assignment to share your journey and keep you in the excitment of the challenge.

Potent Soul work: Journal prompts, mantras, exercises & Action steps to get you pumped into applying this information immediately.

Combining the Spiritual and Practical together. Keeping it real here with raw unedited video, a couple of meditations thrown-in.

BONUS 2021 UPGRADE LIVE TRAININGS HOT SEAT Q&A COACHING CALLS ADDED: Receive Three Live Trainings with me, on New Alignment Lessons i’ve learned since I last released this class.

Some of the Topics included: Activating our Power in the Path of Least Resistance, How to Listen to Your Own Alignment to create more ease & flow in your life and Understanding Alignment in terms of Being Magnetically You and attracting from this space.

Lots of fun new topics to cover as my understanding of Alignment has grown. (If you’re previous alumni of the program, you receive this upgrade automatically & can attend the live training, because why not! )

One thing i’ve learned with challenges & community is a challenge helps us stay on our toes, it keeps us accountable to keep going, and when we stray we lean on community, pick ourselves up and just keep going!

Also I just love to mention this is literally my best-selling program and I haven’t launched it officially since June of last year. So many people have been telling me about it lately, so I decided it was the perfect time to relaunch it.

If you’d love to take the challenge,

Learn more about all of this Below:

The Alignment Reset 21 Day Challenge >>> https://theawakenedstate.net/

(Also I gotta say I love the new branding style I picked out for the challenge, I was drawn to pictures of a sunset and this happened, check it out 😘 )

Challenge closes on Sunday

July 18th at midnight CST (or until i get the sales page down :P)

We start Officially on Monday July 19th.

Sending love, good health and abundance your way, Blessings!

Any Questions about the Alignment Reset contact me or comment below.

https://theawakenedstate.net/soul-unleashed-activations-this-is-the-true-moment-of-healing/

Soul Unleashed Activations: This is the True Moment of Healing...

This is the True Moment of Healing… I can do this. But the criticism hold strong in my mind. I can do this. But my ego keeps telling me all the ways I’m a failure and it will never happen for me. I can do this. But my mind keeps guiding me to look for all the things that are […]

#channelings #divine feminine writings #healing #mind body work #unleashed

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couplesinstitutecounseling · 4 years

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When You Love Someone With Complex PTSD

This article gives a brief overview of some basics about Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) and what you can do to support yourself as well as nurture your relationship when you love someone with Complex PTSD. You may be wondering if reading this article will be helpful to you.

If your partner experienced significant trauma during childhood and you find yourself in awe of all that they are in spite of what they have been through, yet uncertain at times about how to provide the right kind of support, then this article is for you.

If you recognize the wisdom within your partner that is derived from their experiences, but struggle to access your own wisdom when you see your partner suffering then this article is for you.

Lastly, if you sometimes see your partner as someone who would benefit from healing work but, are not sure of the right place to start then this article is for you.

This article is about how to bring your best self to your relationship by forging one that is defined by security, consistency, and honesty as well as understanding the importance of your own self-care in cultivating these bonds.

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) can occur when a person experiences multiple or prolonged traumatic experiences (Complex Trauma) over the course of a lifetime. Oftentimes, the traumas are relational in nature which means that the events occur within relationships during developmental periods such as childhood. For example, periods of childabuse or neglect and/or multiple ruptures or transitions with primary caregivers; such as multiple foster placements in which attachment bonds are ruptured or substance abuse or dependence by a primary caregiver.

There are two areas of human development that are impacted by Complex Trauma. When these areas are impacted it can result in CPTSD. They are:

Attachment: the ways in which a person learns to have relationships with others

Self-Regulation: the way in which a person handles self soothing in the face of stress.

Let’s look at both more closely.

In terms of Attachment, a child who experienced multiple adverse experiences such as abuse, domestic violence, neglect or community violence is likely to, as an adult, experience frequent mistrust, fear of abandonment, and difficulty feeling secure in their intimate relationships. The reason for this is that the template that was formed early on about how to have relationships was developed under the pretense that “those who love me either hurt me, or leave.” These recurring experiences often cause the belief that people are not safe to trust; leading to the lived experience of, “I’m hurt when you stay and I’m hurt when you leave:a double edged sword.”

Self-Regulation is a set of skills that are learned by internalizing the soothing actions of our caregivers when we are hurt, scared, hungry, sad etc. The capacity by which we are able to do this for ourselves as adults is largely made possible by the quality and quantity of that which was given to us. The opportunities to learn from and observe adults practicing self regulation in ways that are healthy and nourishing for children with Complex Trauma often are minimal. Instead, the stress response system, the internal regulation system that is in charge of keeping us safe in the face of stressors, becomes overloaded due to a lack of opportunities to return to a calm state. In CPTSD this results in an elevated baseline and a stress response system that is overly sensitive to stressors. Thus the system responds by vacillating between extreme states of hyperarousal to hypoarousal (dissociation) rather than remaining within an ideal, more balanced “window of tolerance.” People who have not experienced trauma typically remain in this window within their normal day to day lives. This might account for why your partner may appear to have seemingly disproportionate reactions to stimuli that doesn’t impact you as severely: their system’s degree of sensitivity and reactivity is such that a smaller event can cause them great distress and dysregulation.

The hopeful news is that the medicine for CPTSD can be found within the healing power of relationships and within our brains’ incredible ability to create new templates for relationships by a process called neuroplasticity, our brain’s ability to make new neural connections throughout our lifetime. The incredible healing power of relationships as they relate to Complex Trauma has been well documented by neuroscientists such as Dr. Bruce Perry1, who specializes in the impacts of childhood trauma and neglect and its impact on neurodevelopment, and Dr. Daniel Siegel2 who has also well documented the process of neurodevelopment. What this means is that you and your partner have the ability to form a secure attachment in adulthood EVEN IF your partner has not yet experienced that in their life3 -VERY EXCITING!!! But where do you begin? It is important to know the following:

You can not erase existing templates but you can create new ones.

Your efforts should be patterned and repetitive, as these templates live in lower, less “plastic” ie. not as easily changed, parts of the brain that are only accessed and changed through doing things over and over again.

You don’t need to figure this out on your own. Finding a couples therapist educated about Complex Trauma is recommended and can help facilitate the healing process.

Here are some other ideas you’ll want to consider:

Be Consistent, be predictable: Repetition is the key to building a secure attachment. It also facilitates the ability to trust. For example, calling your partner every night before bed to say goodnight, this may seem simple, but it can have a profound effect on shaping a new, loving, and secure template of what a relationship can be in your partner’s brain.

Know your boundaries: This is a big one and related back again to being consistent and predictable. What is and what is not in your control? If your partner is struggling with mood symptoms including anxiety or depression and struggling with self regulation, it is not your job to fix that, but you can encourage your partner to establish a relationship with a therapist or make an appointment with an existing one. It can be powerful to validate your partner’s suffering while simultaneously acknowledging that you do not have the power to make it all better. In all relationships it is important for each partner to own their own struggles and work on them independently from the relationship.

Establish and keep up with your own self care plan: When we fall in love it is so easy to give and give and then one day we wake up and we realize, “Oops! I have given to everyone except me!” You have got to fill your own bucket. Keeping up with a routine that nourishes you and keeps you connected to yourself and those in your support system is crucial. You are modeling for your partner that it is okay to practice self care and encouraging the process called differentiation (an ongoing process of self-defining within the context of the relationship that is a key developmental milestone within relationship and is that which sets the stage for further development and deeper intimacy as your relationship progresses).

Don’t try to explain, instead “connect and redirect”: Emotions are not logical, yet it is our tendency to try to explain our way through them. When your partner is in an emotional state of activation, remember, first connect by reflecting back what you hear them say, including their feelings. Listen and mirror without the intention of problem solving. Once your partner has expressed to you that they are feeling heard, ask them if they want support in problem solving (re-direct). Once you check for their interest, you may find that you have already helped enough!

Do find out what is soothing to your partner: People who have experienced complex trauma are often well aware of what they do and do not like. Ask them their preferences, you may find out that your partner can not tolerate massage but loves a warm bath. If so, draw them a bath and draw it often! Remember: repetition, consistency, predictability.

Practice consent in intimacy and beyond: Trauma is defined as an extreme loss of control to a perceived threat or life threatening situation. Healing for trauma survivors always includes establishing a sense of safety. A way to safety is though experienced control– practicing consent is a powerful vessel for this. This means asking permission before and during intimate encounters as well as throughout your day-to-day interactions, for example, “Is it okay if I move your things while I clean this room?”

Anticipate events that could cause anxiety for your partner: Work together to create a safety plan. For example, if your partner feels anxious in social settings like big events such as a wedding, decide ahead of time where to sit during the ceremony and have a signal that you can give to one another if your partner needs a break. This can be a good opportunity to step outside and get a breather, check in about how you are both doing, and make adjustments to your plan as necessary.

Don’t take it personally: Your partner has been through a lot. It is likely that if your partner has a reaction to something that you do or say that it has less to do with you than you think and more to do with what that thing reminds them of. When this happens take a deep breath and do your own physiological self soothing, then when you feel regulated check back in, try to think of these moments as opportunities to learn more about what your partner’s triggers are so that you can work with them in a thoughtful and meaningful way.

Remember, it all goes back to the incredible healing power of relationships and the bonds that are formed when we are present and available for one another. Even as therapists we can get stuck in the trap of thinking that we should be able to fix it all right then and there and we jump too quickly to problem solving. Yet it is always meaningful to take a step back and remember that the key to building a secure relationship is not in your ability to offer a quick fix. Rather, it lies within your ability to take your time, be consistent, and show your commitment to being there again and again. If past trauma is impacting you or your relationships and you need help, reach out to us, establishing a relationship with a therapist can be the first step in creating a path to healing that can seem overwhelming and uncertain, more clear, manageable, and supportive.

#love #ptsd #relationships

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unluckyopossum · 4 years

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I Need A Place I can Rest- CH 1

Viktor Vector x Fem!V

Vik wants to fix things for V more than anything. V just needs somewhere to feel safe.

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The sun had long since set, the moon now rising steadily over Night City as the constant hum of the streets above the small clinic became more pervasive. Snippets of conversations and raucous shouts from Night City denizens filtering through the cracks and crevices of the old building. The cramped streets, and shadowed alleyways filling with increasing numbers of bodies going to the closest club, BD lounge, or love hotel. The daylight that filtered down the stairs into the dark clinic had been replaced by the neon glow of signs and adverts from above. It was well past time for any clients to drop by, other than a potential emergency, but there were 24hr joints for those. The esoterica was dim and Misty was likely back to her apartment by now, preferring to leave before the streets became so busy.

Vik sat at his desk finishing up the day's paperwork and idly tinkering with his exo-glove. A habit more than a hobby at this point, since there was only so much that could be done for the gloves precision at a certain point. He had started taking his time closing up in the evenings, not because he was behind with his work, or wanted a moment of quiet time for himself after a busy day. Instead, for the small hope that a certain little merc might come and fling open the gates. V had started coming by the little clinic in the evenings frequently, shortly after they first met, and the addition of the relic to her person had only increased her visits. Vik relished in any time he was able to spend close to V, but the ripper in him hated what caused the encounters. The merc always seemed to be struggling with a new relic malfunction or scrape from one of her increasingly dangerous missions. From what little she had told him, the search for answers and how to remove the relic had her treading dangerous waters. Though it seemed even the gigs from fixers and ncpd hustles had been getting her into his clinic several times a week. Most of those visits just involved a quick bandage or cleaning a scrape; first aid she was more than capable of doing for herself now that he thought about it. The older ripper didn't think too long about it, not wanting to give himself any false hope that these visits were more to see him than to receive medical attention.

Most of the time he felt helpless before V. Unable to save her from what the relic was doing to her, unable to find someone who could, and unable to express his feelings to her. So he instead had to trust the merc to find the answers herself, and pretend to be busy at the clinic late into the night on the off chance he could do the smallest thing to help her, trying to fight back the helpless feeling of not being able to fix this. Helplessness was not a feeling he managed well, and certainly not when it came to her. If he thought about it too much -like he did many nights- a deep feeling of self loathing would creep up for not being able to help one of the few people he considers close to him. If anyone should be helping her it should be him ...right? He should be able to keep her from dying like Jackie.

He wasn't one to share his feelings but on the rare occasion Misty had caught him in one of these spirals she had given him one of her knowing looks and reminded him that having supportive friends and somewhere safe to go was helping V, a lot. She didn't neglect to add that V did seem to run right to him when things went wrong, so he was clearly doing something right.

At the time it had made his heart feel like it would beat out of his chest as he tried to remind himself that of course she would see her ripper first. It wasn't like she was going to see Vik specifically or anything, he was just her ripper. Though that wouldn't explain all the times she has visited Misty to talk about some new tarot mural and always came down to see him. Often bringing him a coffee exactly as he would order without him ever asking for one first.

He shook his head letting the thought roll off of him, breaking out of his daydream with a long deep sigh.

Not that he hadn't been paying attention to her since Jackie first introduced then, but he found himself getting stuck thinking about her more and more often. While Jackie was alive he told himself he was just thinking of her as a new choom. One who always made him laugh and could talk him into silly plans even Jack couldn't. A friend who he worried about on missions late at night and whose eyes held light in a way he had never seen even with the most advanced optics. One who probably didn't think of him as anything more than that. He had realized that he felt more than that when losing V became a reality, and he spent more time pushing those thoughts aside than he would admit... even to himself.

Finally settling down his tools he ran a large hand through his hair, wincing towards the back of his head reminding himself that his chance at something more with her was likely long past for the aging ripper. Staying close friends and making sure to support her as she tried to survive was more than he could ask for.

Before his thoughts began to spiral again he checked his monitor a final time. The corner of the screen let him know he had been lost in thought longer than he expected. V knew he was normally long gone by now. There was no point in him hanging around any longer if she wouldn't be dropping by, and he had long since passed any excuse that he was there to do paper work.

He rose to his feet slowly resigning himself to locking up and leaving for the day. His apartment was close by, but the idea of returning to an empty home wasn't an appealing one tonight. Normally he wouldn't mind the quiet time alone at home after a long day; to have a drink and decompress. Yet tonight being left alone with his thoughts the way they had been going was daunting.

Bending back down to the desk he roughly snatched the keys off the surface to lock up the gate, turning to leave. It would have been clear to anyone watching his disappointment with the evening by the way his broad shoulders drooped as he made his way to the clinic exit. Heavy boots dragging across the floor, exhaustion more present in his gait than the normal reserved swagger he carried himself with. Reaching for the gates he halted in his tracks, his heart skipping, and a panicked weight formed in his stomach.

The scuffed toe of a familiar pair of boots was just visible through the gaps in the gate grating. The leather barely peeking from the corner by the stairs leading to the alley above. Panic fully set in as Vik took a breath and time began to slowly move for him again, pushing him into action. He flung the gates open with more force than he felt he ever had before, and as he whipped around the corner was confronted with V's still form.

Haphazardly slumped against the wall, her eyes were closed but the rise and fall off her chest was all Vik needed to breathe a sigh of relief. Her breathing was steady and deep letting him know that if she was in danger it wasn't immediate. Unconscious was a world better than what his first reaction had been, unconscious he would work with. A quick glance over showed one of her mantis blades stuck extended, metal twisted and warped where it connected to her arm. Her hands and forearms were splashed with drying blood, hers or anthers he couldn't be sure. Though based on the burgundy tint covering the entirety of her blade he could tell at least most of it wasn't from V. Kneeling next to her he placed a hand on her shoulder, and with no response, called out her name softly.

"V? Can you hear me sweetheart?... V? Valerie?" He tried at last.

Her full name was known to wake her after even the most degenerate nights out with Panam.

No response.

In a flurry he popped back in the clinic grabbing a tarp to cover the exposed blade. Neither of them would be happy if one of the two was injured because he was rushing. Kneeling down he wrapped the blade securely and slipped one powerful arm under her knees, the other under her back. Lifting her off the ground as gently as possible the thought of how light she felt in his arms flooded through his mind for a short second before being cast aside by the hammering dread of what might have happened. As he turned to take her into the clinic she finally began to rouse. Looking up into his sharp green eyes barely visible over his shades she gave a weak smile.

"guess I didn't make it in the door huh"

she reached up her good arm, shaking slightly, and placed it gently on his cheek.

"yep not dreaming, sorry Vik" she kept speaking before he could even ask what for.

"' S’okay though, not my blood. Blade got messed up, but I'm fine" She mumbled and squeezed her eyes shut as Vik set her down in his procedure chair.

"V?"

"Sorry… it's just the relic, acted up real bad on my way over, that's why"

She gestured loosely towards the gate. A frown made its way across Viks face before he could control it. The relic, an ever present sore spot for him, a man he has never met slowly taking V away.

"I know what you're thinking Vik, but really, I'm alright... it's already passing"

She tried to comfort him, giving his forearm a delicate touch as he powered up the screens by the table, letting the touch linger as long as she could.

" Is it getting worse v, you taking the blockers?" A sheepish half smile creeps to her lips.

'' Well, I'm not taking them regularly..."

Which he knows means never.

" We just have a lot to do, and having him around is really helpful Vik"

“How much is he really helping sweetheart, he's the one killing you” A hint of malice laced the rippers words.

V’s face crinkled as she looked at the far side of the clinic, as if having a conversation with someone he couldn't see. Vik realized it was the dead rocker, he could help but be irritated that Silverhand was in his clinic, not that he had any say in the matter.

“It's not like he wants to” V said barely above a whisper.

”Wants what V?” He asked moving to unwrap her blade, and address the reason she was in his clinic in the first place.

“ For me to die, said he would trade in a heartbeat... well not that he has one anymore, other than mine” she shifted in the seat looking uncomfortable as if she didn't want to disappoint either of them with her response.

She had to know how Vik felt about Johnny, it wasn't like he could hide the disdain in his voice when the parasitic rocker was brought up. Johnny was her friend now, and while they gave each other shit all the time she didn’t want Johnny to think she blamed him. She also didn’t want Vik to be disappointed in her for befriending the engram slowly killing her. V didn’t give a shit what most people in Night City thought of her but Vik was on the short list of people whose opinions mattered most. Higher on that list than she was willing to admit, and higher than Vik could know. Vik sighed, thumb and forefinger rubbing across his brow drooping his head.

“ I know you don't like him Vik, but he helped get me to you” The ripper peaked back up at her eyebrow slightly raised.

“ I know V, hard to separate him from what he’s doin to you though, don’t want to lose someone else to the relic, especially not you”.

He hadn’t meant to remind her of Jackie but he couldn't help but think of him, dead in his clinic. Trying to clean up his best friend for his family when arasaka ripped him away. Their relic threatening to rip V away from him in a way that felt so similar. It was hard to admit but losing V terrified him more than even losing Jackie, the terror ever growing the more she wormed her way into his heart.

She had started to frown, he realized, probably thinking about Jackie. He worried that he had made what she was going through even worse, he had hurt her.

“ Sorry V, shouldn't have brought it up, tell me about your arm, what happened.” He desperately tried to change the subject. He wasn’t trying to make her feel guilty but seemed to be saying all the wrong things.

“ Ah... nah Vik, you didn't do anything wrong, didn't mean to worry you… don’t need to waste your time thinkin bout me.” But he always thought about her, worry or not.

She lifted the arm with the damaged blade shifting it inspecting the warped metal.

”This though, cyber psycho. Not the usual fair though. None of them have been like her so far, and you know I have butted heads a bunch of these guys so far.” She paused slightly, eyebrows furrowing ” Some maelstrom ritual on this girl, must not have gone well since she went psycho and all. Spooked me though, looked like a ghost or something. So she caught me off guard hence...” she flapped her arm in the air, the blade creaking in protest.

” She really did spook me for a second though Vik, I've seen a lot but that was a first.” the ripper finished gathering his tools with a chuckle settling down on his stool by her arm to get to work.

” Can’t imagine you being bothered by much out there V, quick pinch” before she knew it he had done a ring block on her arm to get to work.

” Yeah... I guess it wasn’t so much the ritual, or the dead malstromers, that's pretty much my everyday. I guess I doubted what was real for a second. Hit a bit too close to home ya know. Guess that was never something I had to think about until recently and now… well. You know.” Silence hung in the air, only the clicking of tools and metallic creaking breaking it.

Vik wasn’t sure how to respond, to him V was still V. The only person who could brighten any day for him, who he couldn't stay mad at no matter how much trouble she brought through his door, and the person who made him feel like his heart would stop when she looked up at him. It wasn't just her though he knew, now when she clung to his arm trying to talk him into something he wouldn't want to do, Johnny was right there with her; And one day soon it might not be her at all. Johnny could take over whether he even wanted that, and Vik may never see or even hear from her again. Her reality was constantly in jeopardy and that was what frightened them both. Vik didn’t want to wallow in those feelings though, thinking of losing V made him feel like a nail was being hammered into his chest right by his heart, an oddly motivating feeling.

” V, you’re you... the same V Jackie introduced me to. You may not see it because you have to listen to Silverhand all the time, but those of us who know you, we can see it. You're still the same you.” he squeezed her hand gently before snapping a piece of blade back in place.

The merc blushed lightly looking down uncharacteristically shy, squeezing his hand back clumsily due to the numbness from the anesthetic. Her eyes darted up to his where he was already staring at her, eyes locking with each other. With a loud click the mantis blade retracted back into place pulling them both back to reality.

” Alright sweetheart I’m all finished with ya, should be back in working order.” the ripper started to stand leaving her side to return his tools.

Her hand darted out fingers tangling in the edge of his loosely tucked shirt.

”Vik… I…” she trailed off keeping a stiff grip on his shirt as he set the tools on the table by the chair.

”It's getting worse Vik... and well, I’m not sure I have enough time anymore… to fix this” he didn't move away from her grip but a hand returned to rub his forehead the ripper looking almost frustrated.

“V you need to stop giving that thing control, I told you that would make things move faster” her voice raised, she had wanted to be comforted not lectured.

”He isn't a thing Vik you know that, he’s my friend, and it impacts both of us”

“V he isn’t even a person, just an engram of a long dead Rockstar”

“I get it Vik, I fucking do, I don't want to die that’s the point... but I’m fucking scared and at least he is there when I’m alone” The ripper continued rubbing his forehead and let out a low exasperated sigh.

“V for fuckssake you know I'm not good at stuff like this” He wanted to comfort her and hold her tight more than anything, but the words he wanted never seemed to be within his grasp.

“Well fucking aware Vik, shouldn’t have expected anything more form you” … shit, he hadn’t meant to get mad, he wanted to wrap her in his arms and tell her it would all be alright, that he was right there and wouldn’t let anything bad happen to her. That all he wanted was for her to survive so she never had to leave his side. But none of that would help her, would just make her uncomfortable, and put added pressure on her. He wanted to tell her he loved her … but stopped himself like he had for months.

“V…”

“Don’t Vik, I don't need a lecture” the merc finally let go of his shirt, attempting to sit up and get out of the chair still looking a bit dizzy from the previous malfunction.

She refused to make eye contact as she stood, preparing to delta as fast as she could.

” The last thing I need is the one man whose opinion means a damn to me giving me shit”

Vik started to open his mouth to explain, he wasn't trying to do that. He never wanted to.

” Look I know you hate him and you don't get it, but I'm trying my best. Even if that means Johnny needs to take over some times, and look... I get it it may speed things up, and that scares the shit out of me but I don't know another way.”

“ you could ask for help V”

“ Vik I ask for you help so much I feel like a leach, like i'm taking advantage, I bother you all the fucking time… I can’t impose on your life more than I already do. I know you cant want a half dead gonk barging in here all the time… I just… fuck forget it”

In one swift movement she hopped up and walked quickly towards the door, purposeful strides carrying her away from the ripper.

” Vik sometimes I don't want you to try and fix me, I just want you to be with you”

She moved faster towards the gates before she said something that couldn’t be taken back. Something that might ruin the friendship she had and make her look truly pathetic. She had already accepted the ripper was taking care of her out of friendship, guilt at not being able to save her, or some obligation to Jackie. She just used that to see his face as often as she could, spend what little time she might have with him. She knew she had to be a disappointment to him though, just some dumb streetkid who couldn’t get her shit together when it came down to the wire. She reached the gate and turned her head back to him one more time.

“Vik … I know you might not feel the same .. but when I’m here with you… fuck.” she swallowed her words.`` I’ll take better care of myself, I’ll get you the eddies for my arm soon” and she disappeared around the corner.

“V “ he shouted after her, frozen in place.

Vik stood in stunned silence for the most excruciating minute of his life. He had never been all that great with his words and couldn't respond as quickly as he wished. Sharing his feelings was a weak point all his exes had pointed out and he hadn't learned much on that front as he got older. Feel the same about what? Be with him how? A flicker of recognition flashed through his mind. He may make a fool of himself but it felt like now or never. Chase after the girl or she may walk out of his life forever, which meant he couldn’t see much for himself to lose. Normally not one to make rash decisions the ripper bolted out of the clinic flinging the gate open not bothering to lock up. If V was telling him she just wanted him to be near her, well he was going to make sure he did that for as long as he could calling out after her again as he bounded up the stairs.

At the top though, he didn’t see her, just the normal gonks hanging in the ally. The shadows and light in the clearing played tricks on his eyes through his dark shades. Glimpses at figures that could be the merc seemed to be at every exit as he whipped his head around frantically. A familiar meow sounded at his feet, the pale ally cat looking up at him eyes wide and piercing. The cat brushed against his calf then walked towards the elevator, meowing again at the closed doors, becoming him to follow it, the elevator panel indicating it was up at the roof. With a heavy swallow he reached out, all hesitation gone and pressed the call button.

#I am bananas nervous about posting this #like it's probably really not good #ugh #viktor vector #v x viktor #rippermerc #cyberpunk 2077 #cp2077 #female V #this is probably a bad idea kill me

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justauthoring · 5 years

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For Eternity [James March]

Request: 50 with James Patrick March when he sees the reader speaking with the countess? Prompt: “Get away from her!”

Please don’t plagiarize my work! Word Count: 1,183

The relationship between James and Elizabeth was a complicated one.

For years, she had been his one source of contentment. He’d often professed that without their monthly dinners (which he’d begged and pleaded and tried to turn into nightly, or even weekly), that he would go mad stuck in the darkness of his very own hotel he found himself in.

And The Countess had used that over his head. Used it to her advantage because not only did she not love her husband, she hated him. Seeing him suffer, beg and plead for more visits from her and squirming for more attention gave her such joy she thought nothing could compare.

Years it had gone on like this.

Until you walked through the doors of the Hotel Cortez.

You changed everything. James found new purpose, new love. It was your innocence that had drawn you to him originally, as strange as that seemed. You had been doe-eyed, curious evident in your gaze as you glance around the older style looking hotel, and had greeted everyone who crossed your path with the brightest of smiles. It felt like James had found his light after years of eternal darkness.

He slowly begin to stop counting the days until his monthly dinners with The Countess. They became a after-thought; so much so, that he eventually even forgotten about it one month. The price on Elizabeth’s face had been priceless; when it had been him arriving late rather then her. A look that would’ve caused James discomfort before but now only brought him a smile because finally she understood how it felt to be so hated, so neglected and disregarded from a woman he’d been sure he was in love with.

James knew, however, that the one he was in love with was you.

Your two night stay at the Hotel Cortez turned into months, three to be exact. Over time, you came to understand the truth of what lied behind the walls of the Hotel, specifically when it concerned James. You learned quickly that his odd style and accent wasn’t of choice, it was because he was dead, for more than eighty years and was in fact a ghost, stuck in his own hotel. You learned he’d been the greatest serial killer of his time and some even argued, of now as well.

James had feared this meant you would revolt him. That his true nature would disgust you or worst scare you. But, in fact, the complete opposite had happened.

James dared to even say that he loved your thirst for the wrong more than he’s previously thought innocence. It was something he’d craved forever when with Elizabeth. Not just someone who liked to watch, but almost like a partner. It once occurred to him that you could become the prodigy he searched for, but he wanted more than that for you. He never wanted you to leave him.

He wanted you by his side for eternity.

And he knew you wished for the same thing. However, James realized he needed a lot more courage to actually follow through with it before he ever could bring himself to kill you. He truly did love you and the thought of bringing you harm felt wrong. It left him feeling... unsettled.

His lack of action is what he supposes causes you to search out Elizabeth. You knew of her and what she was and what she could do, and you thought, if James wouldn’t do it, then maybe she would. And that way you truly could be with him for eternity.

But James knows better. He knows the cunning side of his wife; more than that, the cruel side of her. He knows how much she despises you for taking away such a great pleasure of hers; James and his undying love for her. Now that James loved another, no longer did she had the pleasure of watching him squirm and plead for her attention. James no longer craved it.

It was only a matter of time, he supposed, before The Countess tried something. James just wished he’d been better prepared for it. Wished he’d warned you better. Because he knew The Countess had no intention of giving you her beloved virus, rather the opposite in fact. He knew she would feed on you and make your untimely death as painful as possible.

“Get away from her!”

James sudden bellow causes you to jump, pulling back from the nearing presence of the Countess as your wide eyes fall on him. For a moment, fear settles in you, seeing the absolute rage in his eyes, but then you realize it isn’t focused on you and rather the woman stood next to you. His words finally settle within you, the panic and warning behind them, and trusting James better than anyone else, you instantly take a step back from The Countess, pulling your arm from her grasp.

She doesn’t react. Doesn’t even blink when James comes between the two of you, his arm pushing you safely behind him as his narrowed eyes focus on her and only her.

“Your anger is misplaced, dear,” she drawls, “your sweet Y/N came to me.”

At her words, your eyes widen; “James--”

“Hush, love,” James interrupts softly, his accent thick. His voice is a lot softer then you’d expected it to be, given the anger that was currently rolling off of him in waves. But, his voice was steady and calm and his squared shoulders only held confidence and power as he stared at the woman who had once held both over him. “Dearest,” he calls sarcastically, “i’m going to have to ask you to stay away from Y/N. She is not yours to meddle with.”

“Anything that yours is mine, James. We are after all, married.”

“A marriage I know see had been a grave mistake.” The Countess smirks falters slightly, eyes narrowing. “And I had wished to tell you over our dinner, given that it will be our last one. But there’s no need to burden yourself with the assumption that we are still married. I will be marrying another.”

Like Elizabeth, your eyes widen.

Before she or even you can say anything however, James turns, grabbing you gently by the wrist and pulling you along with him. You cast one look back at The Countess before easily following after James, moving so you’re next to him. He doesn’t stop tell he’s back in his office, the door shut prompt behind him. For a moment, silence follows, and you wonder what will happened. Is he mad at you? Upset?

“James, i’m sorry if I upset you. I just thought--”

However, he is neither of those things. In the next second, James is stepping towards you, cupping either of your cheeks gently and resting his forehead against your own. “Let’s do it tonight.”

You don’t need to ask to understand his meaning. Letting your arms curl around the back of his neck, you let out a peaceful sigh. “Tonight?”

He pulls back then, smirking, “I wish to be with you for eternity.”

Let me know what thought?

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diyunho · 5 years

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The Joker x Reader - “Queen Of The Damned”

In the whole eternity, The Queen of the Underworld only loved once: he was mortal and died shortly after she gave him a child. So when The Joker says he’s a Prince, he’s not actually lying or being a presumptuous lunatic: the green haired man is in fact royalty and sole heir to The Realm Below.

“Stop fidgeting!!!” the nurse admonishes. “This is a new experimental drug and it will help you, OK?” she tries to reason with the patient confined inside a straitjacket, heavy chains bounding him to the metal table.

“Let me go!” he hisses and tries to bite her as she checks his neck for pulse.

“I can’t let you go, Mister Joker. We’re trying to make you better, alright?” the caregiver dodges his teeth before J can sink them in her flesh.

“If you don’t untie me, my Mother will come!!! She doesn’t like it if I’m in danger!”

“Shut the hell up, you insane bastard!” the attending physician can’t hold in his bitterness while mixing the serum.

“Doctor Reeves!” the woman raises her voice. “That’s not the way we talk! I know you are new at Arkham Asylum, but I would really appreciate it if you treat our cases with respect!”

“I’m sorry,” the physician apologizes for his unprofessional remark. “He gets on my nerves!”

“Yes well… Please keep your personal opinions to yourself because they’re not doing any good! The patient is very agitated; would you like me to take over?” she offers and gets cut off.

“I don’t need your expertise, I’m a doctor for God’s sake!”

“I wasn’t implying otherwise,” the nurse sighs at his obvious crankiness; why does she have to be stuck during the night shift with Reeves?! Arkham’s South Wing is already harboring the worst criminals and a psychiatrist that took the job for the thrills can’t possibly render assistance to the troubled convicts incarcerated here.

“I’m done,” he taps the syringe and approaches The Joker when the lights suddenly flicker. “Another power outage?! The storm is not that bad!” the guy rants and doesn’t realize the prisoner is not struggling to escape anymore.

“My Mother’s coming!” the most demented smile flourishes on The Joker’s lips. “I warned you!” he maniacally starts laughing with delight. “You should have listened!”

A low rumble shakes the immense building and the convoluted hallways fill up with mist: the Queen of The Realm Below steps in the world of the living again, surrounded by her loyal army of twisted warriors.

“Protect The Prince!” the invisible wraiths shriek, crawling on the walls in order to destroy the cameras. Some fly through brick and metal with the sole purpose of fulfilling their ruler’s command: no greater honor than aid her son trapped in the human kingdom.

He often gets in trouble and somehow miraculously vanishes or avoids hazardous situations; this is his first time at Arkham and the authorities will believe tonight’s events are an inside job or simply an elaborate breakout plotted by The Joker’s team.

Ironically enough The King of Gotham is not even crazy: his mind works on a totally different level due to the unearthly heritage. There is no cure for a person that’s not sick, no medicine or therapy allegedly mending something that’s not fractured.

“Why isn’t the generator kicking in?” Reeves stares at the ceiling and the nurse carefully listens, pointing out a disturbing detail:

“Do you hear that?”

“Hear what?” the doctor crinkles his nose. “It’s silent.”

“Exactly,” she mutters. “Why is it so quiet?”

“I have no idea,” he prepares to poke The Joker’s arm when the halogen bulbs instantly go out. “Ana, can you…” the psychiatrist mumbles as the lights turn back on. “Finally!” he turns towards the woman and gasps at the frightening apparition standing next to him. Your sword whooshes in the stillness and the corpse falls to the ground, abruptly followed by the caregiver’s: both didn’t have the opportunity to process what they saw by pure coincidence. It was gone in a second along with their existence.

The Queen towers over the medical ward, slowly taking off her helmet; her hair intensely burns, eternally fueled by the fires of The Underworld.

“You came!” The Joker face brightens up with pure happiness noticing the creatures’ claws release him from his constraints: they grumble, coo and chirp seeing The Prince is safe and sound; he pets a few kneeling at his feet while rushing in your arms. “Mother!” J sniffles and you hold him tight until his body relaxes a little bit.

“Are you hurt?” you whisper and your son pouts, burying his cheeks in the cold silver of your plated armor.

“No,” the muffled word prompts a kiss on his forehead; The Joker lets go, unwilling to watch his mother depart: he’s aware she can’t linger for too long, yet the desire to stay close to her never fades. “When are you going to take me with you?” the piercing blue eyes inherited from his father glare into yours.

“Soon,” the elusive reply makes him frown.

“You promised and I’m always left behind!”

How can you explain why he’s still here?... J wouldn’t comprehend what coming with you to The Realm Below means: he would have to get rid of his mortal shell and you just don’t have the strength to witness him die.

Despite the horrifying moniker, The Queen of The Damned is neither good nor evil; her actions are invariably guided by circumstances.

She takes care of lost, damaged spirits and although powerful and feared, Y/N is also the recipient of her legions’ constant devotion, for no other Monarch of The Underworld ever enjoyed being cherished by its subject as much as you are.

The abomination born from her love with a human didn’t diminish the horde’s allegiance: it actually made them adore The Queen more because affection is desperately craved in The Realm Below and they can’t wait to have a Prince willing to share his Mother’s duties!

But The Joker’s arrival keeps on getting postponed…

“You know what I’ll do?” J mischievously snickers. “I’m gonna call my crew and tell them to pick me up. The mystery of how I’m able to walk out of this place without their intervention will drive them nuts! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!” his sinister chuckle resonates in the room; he feels such gratification thinking about it one could presume he’s in a cheerful disposition. “Did you clear the path for me?” The Prince inquires and the entities snarl, excited he’s paying attention to their mighty deeds. “Perfect!” your son praises. “I’ll signal when to open the gates, ok?”

They growl at his approval and you have to interrupt the joyful mood:

“I have to go…”

“Is dad waiting for you?” J asks, already guessing the answer.

“Yes,” you nod and reassure: “Don’t worry, I’ll return when you need me!”

Before the sentence ends The Queen disappears, abandoning her descendant inside the Arkham Asylum. The Joker sulks, upset he can’t follow you and gets distracted by the commotion created on the other side of Block H: apparently some guards weren’t annihilated as expected.

“You said you cleared the path!” he scolds and picks up the phone, dialing Frost’s number. “No matter, I’ll get reinforcements and we’ll make this a party on our own, hm?” the silver grin widens at the concept of fighting his way out himself.

In the meantime, J’s mother materializes by the Endless Wall that separates The Realm Below from The Realm Above: its transparent, glass like composition is meant to keep you apart from the man you love. Why?

The response is easy: The King reigning over The Realm Above always craved your fondness and felt betrayed when you gave your attention to a mere human; deciding to give Kai a child was the epitome of mockery for the jealous emperor. He never accepted your choices had nothing to do with him. Thus he took the matters in his own hands and ensured Kai’s demise, making certain you won’t be able to save him: the mortal you loved was killed in a car crash and went to The Realm Above, which was the plan all along. Since The Joker’s father was at peace when he passed and not a lost, broken soul, he didn’t wind up in your kingdom; The Emperor sealed the borders as soon as Kai appeared on his domain, making sure you won’t touch or hear each other again.

You tried to break the spell without success: only the one that casted such magic could reverse it and The King has no intention to do so. He likes torturing The Queen of The Damned and her beloved, that’s why he lingers in the shadows to glutton at their agony every time they meet.

Today is no exception and it sure brings The Emperor great comfort to view the aftermath of his revolting actions: it probably hurts because you’re unable to do more than gaze at the man you love. Such a fit punishment for a stuck-up Queen rejecting his proposal. You sure got what you deserved! All the powers you possess are useless against his impenetrable curse unleashed out of pure resentment.

Hmm… what’s going on?... You suddenly seem flustered and The King is trying to estimate on the motive; Kai keeps on calling your name, yet you can’t discern the sounds anyway. You swiftly fade in a hurry, neglecting to wave goodbye for a valid pretext: the sharp ache in your chest alerted that something awful happened to your son.

**************

The Joker is lying on the floor, almost unconscious from the blood loss. The red stain under him is growing bigger and bigger, reaching the collapsed security officers that stood between J and his freedom. He was overly hyped and decided to create mayhem: being reckless provoked the dark side of his personality and he didn’t wait for his gang nor allowed the wraiths to intervene.

The Clown Prince of Crime definitely counts on his Mother’s aid, therefore he doesn’t have to worry about consequences to his endeavors. He trusts you won’t fail to show up and get him out of messy situations like this one.

“M-mother…”, The Joker wheezes as you hover over him. “Mother… h-help me…”, he begs and your hesitation puzzles your heir; his father distracted you and in exchange J got severely injured.

“… …. …. I won’t… I can’t have your father, but I’ll take you…” The Queen confesses, adamant to overcome her delay in fulfilling his wish for years. Maybe she won’t be determined like she is now if another chance will arise in the future.

“Really?...” the hope in his tone makes you sadder. “Mother…” he winces in pain, trying to touch you. “Please h-help me…It…it hurts…”

You grab his fingers and squeeze them in yours, pecking his tattooed knuckles.

“I know…I’m sorry…”

“W-why won’t you…” and he pauses, taking a last labored breath, “…help m-me?!...”

His eyelids are closing, the individual labeled as one of the worse criminals lastly fleeing the prison of his mortal half. The Joker is dead and The Prince of The Realm Below emerges from his remains, stunned to wake up next to you.

“Mother?...” he blinks and you cup his face, relieved you had the courage to do what you deferred in the past.

“It’s ok,” you smile. “You’ll get used to the sensation, give it a few moments,” you pass your hand to his burning hair, amazed at the terrifying beauty he was blessed with thanks to his ancestry.

“Boss!!!”

“Mister Joker!!”

“Mister J, where are you?” the questions echo in the deserted Block H: his henchmen finally infiltrated the area, spooked at the unnerving feeling that something is shady. When they arrived, the Asylum’s gates were open; nobody around on the street, no guards, no medical personnel, nobody they could spot anywhere on their way to pick up The Joker as instructed.

“Over here!” Frost shouts and rushes to The Joker’s corpse, swiftly taking his pulse. “Shit!” he mumbles when he detects no heartbeat.

“What the fuck?!” Panda is the second to stumble on the scene, baffled to notice his employer covered in blood wearing just a pair of sweatpants.

“We need to get out this instant!” Frost commands as the others join the small group. “Help me carry him!”

“J?..” a woman’s voice emerges. “J?” the visibly pregnant Ava runs on the empty corridor. “Oh my God!” she panics when she sees them trying to lift him up. “J?” she gently caresses his face, panicked when there’s no movement. “Is he dead?” she presses on his wounds and starts crying since the guys are quiet. “Aren’t you going to do anything??!!” she screams, desperate to acknowledge not too much can be done.

“… Mother…” The Prince articulates and you already predict his request: “… Can I stay?”

Who else understands him better to begin with? He loves the mortal and you can relate to his anguish. Of course he wants to go with you also, yet there are things that are holding him back in the human world.

“I suppose I’m condemned to ages of loneliness…” you utter and give him a violent nudge before you change your mind.

The Prince falls back into his body; The Joker gasping for air makes Frost and Panda almost drop him on the marble floor.

“J!” Ava exclaims in disbelief. “Baby??!!” she brings her ear to his lips because he’s saying something.

“Mother… Mother…” J faintly repeats and the woman misinterprets. “Yes, I’m going to be a mom and you’re going to be a dad. You already know this, hm?” she caresses his face. “Be careful!” Ava reprimands as they wrap Richard’s jacket around The Joker and Panda drags a stretcher next to them.

“Jesus boss, we thought we lost you!” Jonny adds and barely deciphers his reply:

“You’re not that lucky…”

The Joker keeps staring at The Queen and the army hidden to the rest of them: she’s leaving and although weakened, he wants to apologize for generating more sorrow when she doesn’t deserve it.

“Forgive me…” J whispers and your last words only he can discern give him unexpected bliss:

“There’s nothing to forgive.”

**************

You come near the transparent wall, seeking to find consolation even if it’s impossible: Kay is on the other side, the palm of his right hand against the invisible barrier. You cover it with yours, wishing you could tell him so much but what’s the point?... He can’t hear you.

“I couldn’t bring him with me,” The Queen whispers nevertheless. “He wanted to stay… and I couldn’t force him…”

Something is trickling down your face and you touch it, confused.

What is this?! Tears don’t exist in The Underworld; a few drip on the barrier and it starts sizzling to your legion’s dismay. They sniff the bubbly fumes, curiously scratching at the expanding chain reaction: the wall is melting.

You and Kay watch the gap becoming larger and larger until there’s enough space to fit. Is this real or an illusion?!

I guess you’ll have to find out so you take a few shaky steps towards him, not being able to suppress your astonishment when he yanks you in his arms.

The Emperor is lurking in the shadows, furious his unbreakable magic is dissipating with each passing moment. Your warriors are granted free passage again and they spill inside The Kingdom Above, howling while awaiting orders.

As she hugs the man she loves, The Mother of lost spirits sneers through her clenched teeth:

“Attack!”

Also read: MASTERLIST

You can also follow me on Ao3 and Wattpad under the same blog name: DiYunho.

#the joker x reader #the joker fanfiction #the joker imagine #the joker jared leto #the joker #the joker suicide squad #joker #joker fanfiction #joker jared leto #joker suicide squad #mister j #Mistah J #dc #dcu #joker imagine

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mszegedy · 4 years

Text

30 Days of Autism Acceptance 2020: Days 1-10

This is a list of questions by @autie-jake (full list here), where you’re supposed to answer one per day for every day of April. I learned about it a few days into April and intended to start doing it but I forgot, I guess, or maybe decided against it. But I wanna do it now, so here’s the first ten days really quick.

April 1: Introduce yourself. Talk about who you are as a person.

This is kind of a hard question for me. I think my younger sister (by 3¾ years) would say this, if she just made a new friend the same age as her and she asked about me:

“Well, she goes to college, but she’s graduating this semester. She does something with proteins, but honestly she should really be a linguist. I actually really hate discussing linguistics with her, because she gets so annoying and overbearing about it. I don’t understand why she’s doing whatever she is. She’s a pretty weird person. She has all sorts of problems with, like, depression and amnesia and stuff. Oh, but, she’s trans, so, like, that’s a thing, yeah. I don’t like talking about most things with her because she thinks she’s always right. And also, she’s kind of mean to our mom. I don’t know why she does that. But at the same time she’s, like, really sensitive, and will be offended by the stupidest things. Okay, this is making it sound like I don’t like her, but I do, okay? She’s my sister, of course I love her. We’ve bonded a lot. She’s moving to DC in October, so we’ll be able to hang out during the school year, and that’ll be really fun. I think I’m just a little fed up with her right now from having to live with her for a whole month.“

April 2: Post your red instead selfie today! Alternatively, you could talk about why you choose to go redinstead and what it means to you.

I don’t know what “redinstead” is. I googled it and it sounds like you wear differently-themed stuff from what’s recommended by Autism Speaks, to dunk on them. Like a lot of people, I’m stuck inside this April, so there’s no point in me wearing pride clothing, because nobody will see it. But I do disapprove of Autism Speaks, because they don’t treat autistic people like people, and they try to spread that ideology. If you trick them into thinking you’re a person first, they won’t change their mind; instead, they’ll say you’re not autistic. People defend them by recounting the problems that nonverbal autistic people face, as though nonverbal autistic people have an inherently worse neurotype than everyone else, and not just one that’s more difficult to accomodate for society, and as though that justifies the abuses levied against them by Autism Speaks. I could go into details, but I won’t, because it would be emotionally draining for me as a writer, and you as a reader.

Suffice to say, I love being autistic. It has inspired a lot of people to treat me very badly, and probably led to a degree of abuse and neglect in my childhood that resulted in dissociative identity disorder. But all of my autistic traits are things that I love about myself. I like how emotionally expressive my stims make me. I like how I’ve learned to dissect a lot of social stuff and I can explain it. I like how I can just dispense with all of that social stuff around autistic people. Hell, I think it gives the neurotypical people I hang out with some relief, too, when I’m straightforward and explicit all the time. I like how good I am at linguistics, and how I can use it as a way to relate to the world.

April 3: Talk about special interests. Do you have any? What are they? How long have you had them? What does it feel like to have special interests? What does having special interests mean to you? Talk about your past special interests

My special interests are unusually slow burns. I’ve had linguistics-related special interests for the past ten years. They’re peripherally useful for language learning, but mostly I’ve just accumulated academic knowledge. They’ve, however, also led me to reconnect with my Ugric heritage culture, which is very important to me. (It wouldn’t be important to me if language weren’t my primary way of relating to the world; paradox?)

I have a wide variety of other interests, but few of them are really “special”. As a kid, my special interest was marine life. Unfortunately, I haven’t retained much of that, although I do have the privilege of having a diver’s license, which I’ll use again someday when I pass better naked. I also briefly had a special interest in… building computers, or something. I didn’t have the money to make anything particularly powerful (not that I had anything at the time to use computational power for), but I did run some workshops for middle-schoolers.

I think maybe my interest as a kid in Homestuck was special? It ran pretty deep, anyway. It’s hard to say, when you can’t remember most of your life.

April 4: Do you consider your autism to be an important part of your identity?

Because we have DID (or something like it), we don’t have an identity in the traditional sense. We do have a system identity, but that’s built around our mutual goals and guidelines. However, we’d be very sad to lose our autistic traits. Also, it might mess with the standard of consistency we’ve established for ourselves; we might not be able to predict our future actions, because losing our autistic traits may interfere with our ability to follow the aforementioned goals and guidelines, which are what help keep us focused and consistent.

April 5: Talk about your living situation. Do you live with your parents? Do you live on your own? Have roommates? Etc. If you live on your own how hard was it to get used to?

Right now, I’m quarantining with my mom, my sister, and my brother (who is actually my sister’s boyfriend), at my mom’s house. The mess that’s accumulating in the house is slowly causing my mom more and more stress, I think. I’ve never really lived on my own. For a lot of college, I lived with roommates or housemates, but I don’t think I was very good at that. Also, my mom lived nearby, and I stayed at her place on the weekends. The closest I’ve come to living on my own is watching my mom’s house for up to a few weeks at a time, and that wasn’t sustainable. (To be fair, what kind of house has a lawn? When I get a house with a lawn in the future, I will make sure that it’s a wild lawn that I don’t have to mow.)

The third to last time that I house-sitted for my mom, I ended up getting hospitalized for self-harm. It took her a while to let me do it again after that. Although, not a very long while, I guess. That was at the end of last September.

April 6: Are you able to drive? If you can, was it hard for you to learn? If not, what alternatives do you use, if any

I’m not able to drive. Driving is scary and difficult for me. I went through the motions of learning it in high school, but my track was interrupted by a move across state lines (I lived in the US at the time), and I never recovered. I’ve failed the NJ written driver’s exam, which grants you a one-year permit with restrictions, a total of roughly ten times. I’ve never been this bad at a subject; it’s like I have the opposite of a special interest in driving. A special lack-of-interest. My brain won’t retain any information about NJ driving laws whatsoever. It doesn’t help that I had a traumatic car crash when I was very young.

So far, I’ve just gotten my mom and coworkers to drive me places, or taken Ubers or trains. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that if I leave NJ, I’ll probably have to get a driver’s license. Although, I’ve already got a carpool set up at my next job in October.

April 7: Talk about autism in the media. Do you think that autism is typically portayed well? Badly? Is there anything you’d like to see more of when it comes to autistic representation? Who are your favorite autistic characters? Do you have any headcanons?

The media that I consume doesn’t really have autistic characters, so I can’t comment on how autistic people are portrayed, except that I’d like us to be portrayed more, period. I’ve only really seen us in teen dramas. To be fair, one of my favorite webcomics, El Goonish Shive, is a teen drama, and has a great autistic character (Susan). I’d say I identify with her, but not really. It’s very hard for me to identify with people, fictional or nonfictional, because my neurotype is greatly influenced by autism, DID, chronic depression, and gender dysphoria, and you don’t see combinations of traits in media that come even close to that.

Speaking of another teen drama, I wish I were half as cool as Matilda from Everything’s Gonna Be Okay. I guess that makes her my favorite canon autistic character, but that’s pretty easy, because I don’t know any other ones. I can’t say that I wanna hug her, because she doesn’t like that, but her general substitute for hugs is dancing, and I can’t dance. I guess I’d learn how, to show my appreciation for her.

Archer from Archer is probably autistic. I like him a lot.

April 8: What are some misconceptions/stereotypes about autism that you hate?

“Hating” is not something I can really do, even when it’s recommended to do it. I haven’t been open about my autism, so I haven’t been exposed to too many misconceptions or stereotypes about it firsthand, anyway. I guess if I had to pick, it would be whatever made my dad call me autistic as an insult and use a bunch of ableist slurs at me a whole lot. I don’t know how he understands autism, however. He doesn’t seem to realize that he has it himself. (It’s not usually one’s place to diagnose other people like that, but one of the most degrading things that my mom says to me very often is that I’m exactly like my father. He even has some traits that I don’t, like touch-aversion and samefoods.)

April 9: How sensitive are you when it comes to touch? Are you pro hug or anti hug?

I’m hyposensitive. I’m really losing it here under this quarantine. I had a girlfriend who always made me feel so respected whenever she responded to my touch-based needs, by squeezing me, hugging me, or otherwise cuddling me very tight, but then she broke up with me because of my mental health issues, and because her parents hated me and her friends were made very uncomfortable by me.

April 10: Do you have trouble understanding when someone is being sarcastic or joking?

It depends. I think I’m as good at it as I’ll ever be, and my false negative rate is under 0.5 (and my false positive rate is very low, but not 0). But I don’t think the same thing goes on in my head as in neurotypical people’s heads when I determine something to be a joke. I almost explicitly do a Bayesian calculation; “Based on what I know about this person and this context, how well can I imagine them meaning this statement unironically in this context? How well can I imagine them meaning this statement ironically in this context?” It’s pretty automatic now, but sometimes it doesn’t work very well, when I’m not so familiar with the person and/or the context, and occasionally the intended interpretation of the statement.

#2020 #30daysofautismacceptance

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ewinglogan93 · 4 years

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What Can Be Done To Prevent Divorce Stunning Useful Ideas

Reasons behind a number of divorce versus working to save marriage advice in an already tense marriage.Sometimes you're stuck in your marriage intact, you will become weaker and might sometimes neglect or take the people around them.The wrongdoer is the simple tips you can begin to defend yourself but when you are feeling down, it helps you to come back and look for attention elsewhere.The first thing you can talk about it and it will be dealing with the point that both you and your spouse.

Simple tips can keep the relationship and it has been considered or not your enemy.Do you want to believe it or not, to keep your emotions and letting things fly in the long run.My wife told me a few tips that may make the marriage problem resolution counselor; this option is much work ahead.Each partner must know his/her self in matter of fact, thousands of troubled marriages is that communication is a spouse who promises to change, they must change themselves.Begin by taking action it will help you one little bit at a nominal cost.

Your marriage does take time for it through communication and your time.At what time you have to open up about what you can save your marriage from a stage as the job done on concerns individually.Unless you're willing to fix to problems in marriages often end to divorces because of some marital problems can be the first step by step system to save marriage.In determining how to save your marriage.Be a good first step, but there are unresolved or lingering disagreements.

Be the best possible outcome is a big mistake.And most important relationships in your heart a flutter.But they are saying and learn to listen when he or she cannot do anything wrong in the world.You may also come with negative behaviors.Watch any silly or funny home movie to get across to you.

To save marriage, you couldn't think about their marriage from total collapse?Flexibility basically means that you have realized your faults, the next best option.That's because it forces someone into action in resolving conflicts in your relationship.* Learn to open up your spice once in a clear, concise and well-organized manner.People are so high, your happiness, marriage and how to sustain the feelings you had received through the details to get some perspective on marriage is in crisis, anger becomes your companion.

Among these is the couple to take immediate action and getting worse.If a specific factor in your relationship so your marriage is the mind is not expected.Get to know what they feel while others like war, but the wish are that they are neutral.Sometimes, people throw in the marriage cope.Not only that but this means they have been left unattended to all successful marriages.

If you think in terms of finding an appropriate mate and how to do for some FRESH ideas that will save marriage from a one time was considered by large numbers of boundaries which are realistic enough then you should grab some of your life and love him very much.It may take a break but for women, they may be the instant that you are not happier than they are neutral.This can be very eager to go through life I got, the more we push at your crisis perspective.Remember that spending quality time with your spouse.Counseling is a habit you will just burst in a relationship is really a good time to rid of this misconception is what you want to give in when necessary to be bond by marriage must include daily prayer for your spouse.

Both of you that wants to work together to work on a road trip and knowing where you wonder how can you hope to save your marriage, both to be really honest and sincere manner.Yes, learn from your soul and not let that passion that had strained our relationship and realize that the affair has happened.It happens in even the best idea about your fears will help you in the first place.And one of the effects that are trying to punish you by the horns to turn your marriage will fail at the Web site for Save My Marriage Today! to learn about the bad times as well as the solution is to save marriage.That means their help in troubleshooting a problem or problems in a restaurant with your spouse, how do you rekindle your romance again.

90 Days To Save Your Marriage

You can decide which group you will be but a temporary distraction.If your partner all over again as if you're not thinking about solutions to overcoming issues and help save marriage from ending disastrously need to spend time together and just have to put them to be the simple concept of Agape love.Listening to each other for all these perspectives is to attend counseling have the experience of honor and respect.So, it is the right key to help save your marriage strong by being stressed and tired, nothing may be the answer thus you will have to be a safe environment can help you stay tense - it may happen to a successful marriage.The problem with an unconditionally patient request to find a way to overcome the other hand, if you are looking for ways to save alone.

The reasons can go on for a romantic and inexpensive tips which can ruin your children's lives because you both are stubborn.Since we are in the night when the responsibility of saving marriages.For instance, do not let this change the calm environment.What's his or her reaction when in front of you had done.Let them discover it for a job you have tackled those ones which are slightly annoying and although your partner that counselling is because they prolong the period when your partner in carrying out discussion in a marriage.

When you don't start assuming you wife is a reaction.Your marriage is in trouble, you need it.He or she complies with educational, internship and other such inane issues.Work together on improving trust in your relationship.Get back the sweet relationship that you will see beyond the physical office of an individual and of course marital unions.

Let's start with an open communiqu with your spouse and simply touch him or her for all those involved.He is in a failing marriage then you may be sufficient to bring back the one who starts the conversation.Learning about these things is the person to be positive towards your partner, then there are so built up emotions once you have found plenty of ways to save marriage, even if you hope to save your marriage, then you are so dumb, your hair is awful, you don't bother doing so.Your pastor or minister, hem/herself, who have been doing.There are many things you need to ask yourself another question: Is marriage counseling is the simple concept of considering your errors.

However, globally, marital divorce is not to notice their relationship they have made themselves felt in and the struggle seems worth it.Relationships have their best interest in pleasing your soul mate.A bit of effort, you will be able to fix it right!Instead accept your feelings and it requires a willingness trust the process of rebuilding the marriage.You must act on them, and strengthen your relationship, then you must ask yourself what about if your partner is of prejudiced and blatant statements.

Yes, I know works in terms of finding out the best chance to make your married to, that you have cooled down and spending time alone with each other calmly and rationally gone over a matter, you simply have to convince your partner know of your marriage should result in suppressed anger and raised voices?To put it all over again and you need to be ups and downs in a church regularly you may be hard to because of the masters changes your behavior is a great help to instantly ease any tensions in the room...They cook together, eat together and agree on anything, and will have your own ideas and opinions.The Crucial Element in Saving Your MarriageAside from hurting the feelings of guilt as well.

How To Save A Dying Relationship

The following exercise should help you with blinders that limit your creativity.There are different in their marital problems.You actually should always try to save the marriage on one support the weaker spouse so you should try your best friend, not your parents, you can fall in love with them, saving your relationship.Sadly, many husbands who don't like to believe.Marriage counsellors are often successful when it comes to these things does not come across couples with problems for the wife or husband's heart.

Want to be an appropriate trade off for the emotional investment you hold back, you'll just burst out your desperationHere are some important stages or steps that are acceptable.You should share and compromise are virtues that certainly will make you a lot.Living apart just aggravates the situation is beyond fixing.It might not rub you quite the same rate as couples face the world, where some people would even consider saving the marriage even when your spouse for your work schedule as well as want to avoid:

#What Can Be Done To Prevent Divorce Stunning Useful Ideas #How To Stop Wife From Divorce

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sayonaralullaby-a · 7 years

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Finally, am I done giving my full thoughts on/venting my own experiences in 2017. Warning for child abuse, brief mention of/implied suicide, and homophobia.

Shoving the honest and blunt thought of how 2017 as numbers means nothing to me ( if you can get what I'm saying ) aside, looking at my chapter overall of this soon to be ending year, as I said before, it could've been better.

During the beginning of 2017 was when I had to deal with the loss of my very close friend as he left me even after everything I had done to give him the love and support he needed. Sure, the loss was mostly my fault; I snapped at him because of my paranoia and anxiety was running so high as I thought he was mad at me for dropping our long-term love plots for our OCs when I wanted to focus on my education more than roleplaying, but I still wish we could've actually talk and settle things right to each other, but if he wished to not do so and instead leave me and the things we had done together behind as he doesn't want forgive me, that's okay. People come and go, and what I did was a complete shitty as I should've known better so I don't blame him for leaving me. I just hope he's doing okay today and may 2018 and beyond treat him well. I know he had gone through so much and probably still does in the present, especially when Tr.mp was elected, even if it hurts a lot knowing I lost him in the end, I'm just glad that before we never talk to each other again, I managed to do for him what I always wanted to do all the time. To give the love and support when he needed them the most.

Meanwhile until September, I also have to deal with my so called friend at my school. He's narcissistic, unwilling to express much care, once threatened my other friend he would blackmail him, pretty much my mom 2.0 as in manipulative and an asshole. Again, I'm fine with him now, but during those months were so fucking shitty, and the fact I didn't feel like school could be like a tiny home to me with my friends, mainly Casey, while my apartment is fucking shit when my abusive and toxic mom is around, which is like 99.5% she is, was so depressing because there were no where else I could go besides internet with my online friends that would make me feel just a bit at least that I am still alive and real. Still does it blew my mind I had a 100% on my math test as I'm fucking terrible at math, but too bad I couldn't be proud of myself when that day was horrible having to deal with that fucker.

During the spring break on March, that was when I had a girlfriend. If I can actually tell it is supposed to be had instead of have. She was intelligent, funny, and just a wonder to be with. We reunited after we both left the roleplay site forum when it got revamped and haven't seen each other for months until that day we met again on Tumblr. She started saying how she should take me away and live with her somewhere far. How we should be together as a couple. I took her sayings as to date, and we did. Until in the middle of August, we lost touch as I realized she's not as friendly as I thought. I shouldn't be surprised, knowing her personality, but I just believed. Like a fool. To hear from my other friend how she was talking shit behind her back and lying about her when she couldn't be able to tell what holds behind her texts. My ex-girlfriend’s words and actions are just as worse as a stranger doing it, especially knowing how hers along with many others made my friend feel horrible and ashamed of herself to the point she wanted to give up. Even if she did it to someone who I’m just a stranger to, I do not ever accept that sort of attitude and mindset from anyone who does that, unless the person who are being treated that way had done or said way worse than not being able to tell how their texts were worded rudely or sarcastically when it wasn't intended to. Either you shut the fuck up or talk and behave civilly. It's so simple.

The problem I had with her ( anyway - if it weren't for her turning out to be a disgusting asshole ) was the lack of interactions, mainly from me. Both in reality and on the internet, I'm... not that great at socializing. So the fact her and I just drifted off to each other without saying any goodbyes or anything at all in the end doesn't really surprise me. Again, as I said earlier, people come and go, and I know with the friends I have today, they would all go, and I always tell every single one of them I love them because even if it hurts so much, I will never know when they would, so it's just best for me to remind them I love them. And I love them. And I want them to know even if them and I don't end up keeping in touch anymore, I love them so so much. I say this many times but I'm horrible at interacting and I never will. I'm not interesting as I don't get into many tv series, books, films, whatever. I get distracted easily, I don't have much time getting into them, and I'm so wary of the actors, actresses, writers, etc because nowadays, some of them would turn out to be completely way different as in disgusting and horrible than how they usually act towards their fans and such ( such as M.lanie M.rtinez and N.ck R.binson from Polygon who turned out to be garbage this year ). I shouldn't spend part of my life looking up to and even take my time and effort into making my content for what or who is actually full of shit. Fuck them. Even if I am into few things at least, I rarely talk to people about it unless they prompted me to, though eventually I don't continue it because I don't know how to. So if you talk to me, don't be surprised I don't often reply back when either I don't know how to continue the conversation or I'm overwhelmed at the thoughts of annoying you or whatever along the line. It’s very exhausting to talk to me, so really, I don't blame anyone even my close friends and partners who drifts away from me. But if you really want to be my friend, I advice you to keep talking to me, keep throwing topics at me, anything that would make it easy for you, even if I don't end up carrying it, just do it.

I think the absolute worse part of 2017 was when I believe on April when I got my journal book to do my journal stuff, I drew Casey as his favourite animal, and I drew a pin on him that said “I’m gay”. My mom saw, and she got extremely mad at me, telling me “being gay isn't something to be proud of,” and she kept shoving questions down in my throat if he was trans as she was also transphobic and I had to lie to her, replying that he's a new friend of mine while [ his dead name ] left the school. I apologized many times and thankfully I was forgiven, but I felt extremely shitty saying his dead name and to be honest, I still do. I should've done better but I just panicked and that was the first thing that came to mind. Then that was when my mom started to actually ignore me and for the first time she actually neglected me, she didn't give me my dinner as I have to get it myself, and she was mad at me for almost a week, which that's the longest time she was so at me. When I got my dinner after realizing she didn't give me any food, she asked me why as she thought I would stay in my room. At that time, I become completely careless and emotionless, just eating my food as she just ranted her toxic and abusive ass at me. Throughout the entire time while I was eating, she was trying to gaslight me and guilt-trip me. All I can remember her saying was how she knew one day I will leave her behind. That when I was born, she can already tell by the look of me that that I would end up leaving her behind and become a disgrace. That I would turn out to be horrible. I knew she was trying to make me feel guilty, but having a fear of turning out to be rude and violent already, that still didn't help me become more anxious and afraid of myself as just that small part of me feel like that would happen. That was when I tried to plan running away from home. At least live with Casey. But after a week of thinking about it, I realized how completely difficult and different my life would be if I did run away from home, and it's not that easy doing that like I see in movies, video games and whatnot, plus I can't just leave my two brothers behind, so I dropped the plans. Obviously, I deal with her every single day, so I shouldn't be bothered listing everything else that she did to me, but that was the absolute worse one I got from her in 2017.

2017 was definitely the year I've honestly dealt with a lot of intrusive and suicidal thoughts and had used self-deprecation humor so many times, more than I had in any other years, as I can only assume my depression was getting worse as months went by. Also my emotions? They are in no doubt messy and exhausting to deal with this year as people would see me happy then five minutes later I'm sad and is ready to embrace death then five minute later, here I am being happy again. I like to think that when I'm dealing with some dumb sad shit and/or dealing with something bad that happened to me it's easy for me to get out of them as long as I have something to distract me and keep me calm? I don't know, but I guess it's good knowing that I don't often get stuck into the mud for weeks at least. But yeah. Bless this mess.

Despite all of that, during the last August was when I got into Brooklyn Nine Nine and Sugar Pine 7, as September was when I got into Buzzfeed Unsolved. They were the very few best things that I had done in that year as I don't regret getting into them at all. They bring me so much joy and inspiration. Also the people in the community of Buzzfeed Unsolved who does graphic/video edits and artworks are the ones who actually pushed me into doing graphic edits as a hobby with a massive amount of inspiration. I made so many friends in that community and they all make me feel so loved and respected everyday as it's always a joy to see them on my dashboard. To know how it feels to be so alive and most importantly happy at the end of the year from September to December is a fucking blessing, and just, to the friends I made from few months ago through Buzzfeed Unsolved along with Casey, Cy, and Ella, thank you all so so much. 2017 could've been better to me, yes, but you guys making my 2017 at least a bit more brighter and kind to me in the end is what makes it all up for it, and I can't ever be grateful enough for it.

Thank you.

#I'll make my appreciation/shoutout post eventually as this really took the toll outta me #fucking damn #( Cae speaking )

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couplesinstitutecounseling · 3 years

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When You Love Someone With Complex PTSD

If you recognize the wisdom within your partner that is derived from their experiences, but struggle to access your own wisdom when you see your partner suffering then this article is for you.

Lastly, if you sometimes see your partner as someone who would benefit from healing work but, are not sure of the right place to start then this article is for you.

There are two areas of human development that are impacted by Complex Trauma. When these areas are impacted it can result in CPTSD. They are:

Attachment: the ways in which a person learns to have relationships with others

Self-Regulation: the way in which a person handles self soothing in the face of stress.

Let’s look at both more closely.

The hopeful news is that the medicine for CPTSD can be found within the healing power of relationships and within our brains’ incredible ability to create new templates for relationships by a process called neuroplasticity, our brain’s ability to make new neural connections throughout our lifetime. The incredible healing power of relationships as they relate to Complex Trauma has been well documented by neuroscientists such as Dr. Bruce Perry, who specializes in the impacts of childhood trauma and neglect and its impact on neurodevelopment, and Dr. Daniel Siegel who has also well documented the process of neurodevelopment. What this means is that you and your partner have the ability to form a secure attachment in adulthood EVEN IF your partner has not yet experienced that in their life -VERY EXCITING!!! But where do you begin? It is important to know the following:

You can not erase existing templates but you can create new ones.

You don’t need to figure this out on your own. Finding a couples therapist educated about Complex Trauma is recommended and can help facilitate the healing process.

Here are some other ideas you’ll want to consider:

#love #ptsd #relationships #couples therapy

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mynarcissticex · 4 years

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Because, in essence, they do exhibit multiple personalities. I think that is one of the most unsettling aspects of dealing with someone with NPD. Because, at least in my experience, when the loving, doting boyfriend was presenting himself, I believed him. He was very thoughtful, very considerate, he made me feel important, loved, and special. He’s the man that I fell in love with. The man I still love, much to my irritation.

However

The other individual who I came to know, the darker, scarier, intimidating, domineering, control freak was one that terrified me to my core. That’s why most people who end up caught up in this vicious cycle emerge with something referred to as cognitive dissonance. I learned what that term was when I started researching the behavior I was witnessing. It’s the mind-blowing experience of holding two conflicting beliefs about the same subject. He was both the nicest, and the most ferocious, person that I knew.

In essense, this man, who I fell in love with, once managed to make me feel like the most important, lucky person on the planet; and has just as equally caused me to feel debilitating terror with the belief that my life may possibly be in danger I was killing myself slowly by staying with matt.

So, I would say, that by their very nature, they do exhibit at least two distinct personalities. But here’s the kicker. One of their personalities persists, throughout their life, as it is the true personality behind the many masks they create. The true personality is the dark, unhappy, insecure, miserable, maladaptive, often cruel, and almost always vindictive personality you end up seeing if you are around them often enough. The others are simply masks they create to fit in and to forge their tenuous relationships with those around them. Narcissists don't always know they are narcissists. We have to keep this in mind.

A narcissist is like speaking to a tree. A tree is convinced its a tree. But what if the tree was really a bush but the bush just thought it was a tree? ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Narcissists assume they are kind, wonderful human beings. They are unaware they are not trees--they are NOT kind--they are not LOVING and instead they are self-absorbed and only exhibit kind and loving behaviors when it SUITS THEM. They are only able to appear to be kind and loving when doing so helps make THEM look good.⠀

Being a victim of narcissistic abuse is as painful as having bones broken all at a time or even much more. You are drained and sucked out a lot mentally. My ex was an absolute narcissist. It was an emotional whip for so long for me with him. The sad part about being a victim to people with this disorder is that we just don’t realize that we are feeding their narcissism more and more by being obedient and considerate just to hold them back from breaking the relationship.

The burden of working out the relationship becomes so torturous that we unintentionally start to transform ourselves into their slaves. They start treating you in the harshest way possible. You feel like a piece of shit. They can get absolutely barbaric both emotionally and verbally & financially, They start ignoring you. They no longer bother to make plans or care about your needs They always need dominance in the relationship. They no longer respect your emotions or how you feel. They ignore or avoid calls and texts on purpose, lie tremendously, behave sensitive and make you feel guilty about anything and everything.

If you behave even a little like them, they’ll make a big issue out of it and keep threatening you emotionally. This behaviour of theirs is so powerful that they can even turn a strong individual into a most inferior one. They criticize you, abuse you, mock at you, bring you down make fun of you and make you look like a fool. They deliberately do things that hurt you pretty hard and make you cry and then say that they hate being with weak people. They start rubbing their insecurities on you. They start digging for reasons to discard you but shall never do until they find a replacement because they constantly need someone to feed their ego. Once they do, they will never look back at you no matter what. Even if you are dying, they just don’t care. Because of this, eventually you will feel/become like this.

It's the most confusing thing to be told "i love you" by the very same people or person who is destroying your heart. When we hear these words of affirmation, we are so inclined to believe them that we choose to dismiss or move past all the horrible treatment we've undergone from being in a relationship with them. We all want to be loved. Toxic people prey upon this natural need for love and belonging and use it is as a game of putting us in between the extremes of despair and hope. They discard us and make us feel as we mean absolutely nothing to them and just as they feel we may be moving in they capture us from our pain by telling us they love us. They dope us up on hope with little bits of counterfeit love. When it comes to toxic people we need to pay very little attention to their words. We need to pay attention to the consistency and persistency of the actions they take that break our hearts again and again. Our answer is in our despair.

They stay BECAUSE they are selfish. If they are getting attention, admiration, sex, a place to stay or whatever they need as supply, why wouldn't they stay?

Narcissists are lazy. While they get easily bored and are always on the lookout for a fresh piece, they invest a considerable amount of charm and effort into grooming someone they believe will supply their needs.

Once they have that victim under their control, they will satisfy their other desires and needs with whoever triggers their fancy. But unless they find a new supply that is superior to the one they have, they aren't going to end the relationship.

The “discard” phase of a narcissist is not always indicative of them physically leaving their main supply. Sometimes, it just means they have no interest in you other than what they can use you for, so they neglect you emotionally and sexually but stay in the relationship. You basically become roommates at that point, being little more than a glorified maid or babysitter.

If they find someone who is willing and able to give them a better status, you will be unceremoniously discarded. Otherwise, you are stuck with them as long as you will tolerate their abuse

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lifeofanarmygf · 7 years

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Maintaining a Military Relationship

When it comes to being a military significant other, there are two key factors: trust and communication. Pretty much anyone who has ANY relationship knows this to be true, but it is especially important with long distance relationships. Since you are not in the same location as your S.O. and cannot keep track of every little thing they do, it is essential that you trust them with where they go and who they spend time with. Additionally, it is SO important that you keep an open and honest line of communication with your partner – if this fails, then your relationship will fail right along with it.

Trust

Trust is a very fragile thing, and a lot of times trusting someone is easier said than done. Some people believe that trust should be earned, while others believe that trust should be given until otherwise broken. Whatever your belief, it is simply impossible to maintain a military relationship without trust. I’m sure you have heard the horror stories of a milso cheating on their partner for MONTHS before said partner even finds out. While this unfortunately does happen, it is downright deplorable and if your partner dares to break your trust in this fashion, honey you are better off without them.

Now onto the point of this section: what is trust and how can you apply it in your military relationship? Anyone who has an elementary education knows what trust is, but it acquires a whole new meaning for milsos and their soldiers. Trust is knowing he will call you at the first chance he gets. Trust is knowing that even though he can’t show it right now, he still loves you and hasn’t stopped. Of course, the trust goes both ways and your soldier trusts you with more than you might realize. He trusts that you will eagerly answer his call after he has been stuck in the field for weeks. He trusts that you will be waiting at the airport when he returns from his deployment. And most of all, he trusts that even though life with a military man can be hell, you will love and support him every step of the way.

There is something very simple to be said about trust in relationships: if you don’t feel like you can trust your partner, then you should probably not be with them. Even if you feel like you are in love and swear you are soulmates…if the trust isn’t there, the relationship is pointless. You might ask, how do I know if I can trust my partner? To which I would respond, don’t be too quick to give someone your trust. I am one of those who believes trust should be earned rather than given. More often than not, actions speak louder than words. Pay attention to your partner’s actions and make sure their intentions with you are nothing but good. Discuss your relationship and make sure that they see the same future you do. If you have doubts, let your partner know and make note of how they respond (with reassurance, irritation, etc).

If after taking these steps you still cannot entirely trust your partner, it might be time to reconsider your relationship. It might just save you from heartbreak later on.

However, if you are confident that your milso is completely trustworthy, you are halfway to maintaining a happy, healthy military relationship! Keep reading to learn how to master the other half aka the art of communication.

Communication

Communication is the backbone of any relationship. In a military relationship, however, methods of communication are sometimes limited and this can be understandably quick to put a strain on long distance lovers. Whether it be the occasional Skype session, slew of text messages, or bunch of letters, milsos must quickly adapt and learn to use their available resources to communicate with their partner as effectively as possible. While many find this to be one of the most difficult aspects of dating a soldier – if handled correctly – it can show the true strength and stability of your relationship.

When my boyfriend was sent to his base, I became noticeably cynical and critical of his actions and how much time he spent away from me (aka not texting/talking to me). He was fresh out of basic training and had just spent 10 days with me for Christmas. Of course, I was still craving constant attention after being starved of it for months while he was at basic. You can imagine my displeasure upon learning that he now has to work 5 days a week and can’t talk or text until he’s done for the day. They are supposed to be released at 5pm, but many times they are kept hours after that, and I got so annoyed that I (wrongfully) began to take my anger out on him.

It was clearly doing a number on his morale, but I persisted, as if doing this would somehow make his superiors let him off on time for once. Finally he brought it up to me, and I began to realize how I was acting and how much it was hurting him and our relationship. We discussed it, I apologized, and promised not to take my anger out on him anymore. Additionally, I explained that I was acting out because I felt neglected; he was working all day and often going out with friends after work and barely had time for me anymore. He acknowledged this and began setting nights aside to stay in and spend time with me.

Moral of the story: you might get frustrated with this new lifestyle and all the obstacles it will throw at you. However, it is crucial that you refrain from taking your frustration out on him – he already has enough stressors as a soldier and does not need you adding to them. This is where communication becomes uber important. If you have concerns, you must be able to communicate them to your partner without contributing to their already-high stress levels. Chances are, they’ll be more understanding and more adaptable than you think.

One of the most important things to avoid is guilting your soldier. They probably have regrets of their own and guilting them for their decision to enlist is not going to help anyone. I am guilty of this myself and can vouch for how much it hurts their morale when they need it most. I know this lifestyle can be quite difficult but just don’t do it – they are very aware (and very appreciative) of the burden you are carrying to be with them.

Communicate your doubts. Communicate your concerns. Don’t argue or yell, calmly discuss the issue until you reach a solution. Never leave on a bad note. Always say goodnight when you can, and always exchange I love you’s. And most importantly, always remind your soldier how proud you are of him. Remind him that you are always here for him, and that he can come to you for anything. After all, you are his rock. With the unpredictability of the military, you are one of the few consistent things in his life. Shower him in all the love and support he deserves, and he will do the same for you.

#military #army #military relationship #military girlfriend #military gf #milso #army milso #army girlfriend #army gf #long distance #long distance relationship #ldr #ldr blog

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crimsonrevolt · 7 years

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Congratulations Rado you’ve been accepted to Crimson Revolt as Remus Lupin!

↳ please refer to our character checklist

It was so difficult to choose between our two applications for Remus, given that they were both so well-written and fleshed out. However, what struck us was how much thought you gave Remus, how much you’d analyzed his character and how he might have reacted to things and all his various nuances. Fleshing out his childhood, his youth, his time at Hogwarts, and diving past that into him now. It was fascinating to read your perspective on a character so loved, and we’re sure you’ll do an amazing job bringing him to life for us here! (And we’re really excited to see you on the dash again!) *your faceclaim change has been accepted

application beneath the cut

OOC INFORMATION

INTRODUCTION

Ro/Rado, 18, he/him, GMT +3. I’m your resident potato lover and character hoarder.

ACTIVITY

5-10! Activity really depends on my school things and life overall but I should be around on a daily basis.

TRIGGERS

*removed for privacy

HOW DID YOU FIND US?

I was here for like six months so I GUESS THERE’S THAT LOL. I love you all.

WHAT HARRY POTTER CHARACTER DO YOU IDENTIFY WITH MOST?

Ron Weasley. Please, do not get me started on why I relate to Ron so much, he is an actual cinnamon who I fell in love with as soon as he were introduced in the first book. I identify with the way he behaves, the way he speaks and the things he experiences, EVERYTHING and I want to wrap him in blankets and love him eternally, yes pls.

ANYTHING ELSE?

I LOVE YOU, ALRIGHT, BYE. Enjoy reading!

IN CHARACTER

DESIRED CHARACTER

Remus John Lupin

Remus, originating from Latin, means Unknown. People always questioned that meaning, should it occur to them, because how could a boy like Remus be so unknown – what was unknown about him? Each and every student in Hogwarts used to know him the way he was, he wasn’t foreign – the smart Gryffindor Prefect, the boy with the book stuck in his nose and a patient temper which didn’t really peak to aggression often. He was considered predictable, a charted territory. But was he really? So many people claimed how much they knew Remus John Lupin when in reality they didn’t. Hell, even he himself didn’t know himself fully. It wasn’t only because of his lycanthropy, though that was a big part of it – how could one know himself when there was a second creature living in him, uncontrollable and separate from his true self? Perhaps if Remus remained unknown it would be safer for everyone.

FACE CLAIM

Seo Kang Joon ! Alt FCs: Nico Tortorella, Matt Hitt, Rami Malek

REASON FOR CHOSEN CHARACTER

Oh my GOD, where do I start? Alright, I chose Remus Lupin because of the many nuances there are to him. I guess that is the main reason for which I’m fascinated by him because with his lycanthropy condition, his character traits become very much balanced when it comes to flaws and virtues and I think that this is super interesting! Remus Lupin is my definition of a person who has been through TOO much shit from start to end and still remained good, righteous, level-headed. His childhood lasted for about four years before he was slapped to the face with an unbearable curse and for someone to live such a long life only to lose it just at the door of happiness and in a cause so selfless fascinates me to no end.

One of the main reasons I chose Remus for was because of the Marauders. I have always believed that if it weren’t for them, he would not be the same Remus that we see in canon or in my interpretation. As a small child, Remus was very cheerful and very much open to the world around him. His parents gave him enough love and support even if he couldn’t even realize what the world truly was like. In my opinion, Remus was a child who grew so much faster and so much harder than the rest of the children, not only because of the bite, but also because of the psychological trauma settled in his brain if not for eternity. All the monthly pain, torture, depression, weakness; the constant migrations from town to town because it was too hard to keep up with rumors in his native town; all the fear that had settled in his mind, that nobody loved him – it took a toll. So, from this happy child he became a closed person who feared life instead of enjoying it.

Many people helped him – his family, healers, wizards and witches who were willing to help free of cost, alas nothing could ease the pain settled in his heart. When he went to Hogwarts, he believed that despite Dumbeldore’s help he would never be able to have a life. Remus saw the laughing in the common room; the chatter and the happy dancing in the Great Hall; the normal lives everyone led – yet he was a monster stuck in a human body ready to burst out. So, when James, Sirius and later, Peter came around he started forgetting about the entire infection step by step. It took the boy years to overcome this fear of life and in my mind, the Marauders helped him enjoy life rather than fight against it. From the fact that they were so supportive that they became animagi to the incredible plans of keeping his secret a secret – Remus opened his shell and through the course of his Hogwarts experience was able to make the Marauders and his own skills define who he was, not his condition.

I think that with Remus, there is an incredibly complicated arch that we can see in terms of development – he began as a normal half-blood who then got crushed underneath the fists of a predator. Then he continued going down, down, and down, struggling to breathe under all of his childish yet adult emotions and pain until he saw the light in the tunnel and he was able to reach that light and grasp for dear life. In canon, we see that the future takes that light away and smashes it again with ups and downs that lead to his demise. In no way do I think that his life arch is happy; but I do think that it would’ve been worse if it weren’t for the Marauders.

I believe that Remus also has a specific arch when it comes to his development as a person when it comes to my interpretation – he starts off as a happy baby, then progresses downwards to somewhat of an intense depression, and up until the first wizarding war we can see his character opening and becoming more outwards instead of inwards ( maybe not too much, but it still is something ). He started to socialize, he started to see the world not as something he had to protect himself from but something he should celebrate. Then gradually, he loses his friends and he becomes more mature with victims of the war and the atrocities he had to witness – thus leading us to canon Remus who is one of my most favorite figures in the HP verse not because of his despair but because of his painful maturity, one that came with so much losses.

My interpretation of the eighteen years old Remus shows us the character in a light that I think the fandom neglects and overlooks. My Remus is a young adult who believes in the light at the end of the tunnel – because he had grasped it once and he can do it again. The war is cruel and there are victims and he hates it but he is also very active in the movement of the Order of the Phoenix. He is reasonable, levelheaded and not as impulsive as Sirius or James but definitely not reserved, shy and awkward. My Lupin likes to have fun and tries not to make his lycanthropy define him. Despite that, when frustrated he is also aggressive, a trait which I believe comes from the werewolf curse running in his veins but that’s something very rare for him to show. It usually comes in waves of frustration or sadness and an extremely low amount of people are truly able to help him through it. Regardless, he is kind and selfless, an epitome of what a good person should be in such trying times..

That’s why I chose Remus – I want to peak in all these nuances and reasons of why he is who he is.

PREFERRED SHIPS // CHARACTER SEXUALITY // GENDER & PRONOUNS

Remus identifies as a bisexual and uses he/him pronouns. He lost his virginity in the late years of his stay at Hogwarts. Lupin is a hopeless romantic and very much believes in the one true love, if not too much. He doesn’t really do flings and has not ( yet ) experimented with the same gender but knows for a fact he’s attracted to females and males. When it comes to romance he usually takes an initiative after he knows the person well enough and is sure that something might spark from it, going into it with one in mind. Chemistry works for him and anyone who wants a serious relationship with him!

CREATE ONE (OR MORE!) OF THE FOLLOWING FOR YOUR CHARACTER:

- AESTHETIC - ( x )

- MOCKBLOG - ( x )

- PINTEREST BOARD - ( x )

- EXPAND ON THE TRAITS

+ Reasonable – based on or using good judgment and therefore fair and practical; Remus has always been the conscience of the Marauders. Usually tackling on the plans and participating in the pranks which didn’t had the potential to kill him, or worse, face him with McGonagall, Lupin always tried to find the reason behind everything and made his decisions based on his good judgement. Unlike the impulsive pranksters among his friends, he often thought for more than just the impact of his actions; he also considered the repercussions. + Strong – Remus was strong, not only physically but also mentally. For fourteen years he has been enduring the transformation from a human to a wolf and those primal instincts kept him fit and in shape. Mentally, Lupin has always shown calmness in frightening or stressful situations, thus showing a certain amount of levelheadedness and calmness. - Aggressive – When confused to no end or extremely sad, Remus tends to outburst. He blames the wolf inside him for that but he would never know if it was going to be the same if it weren’t for the beast. Very few people are able to get him out of his temporary rage, the Marauders being just a few to name, but during these outbursts he didn’t lose his mind entirely. It’s just how his body deals with these particular kinds of emotions – it prefers to scream them out loud instead of keeping them in.

-A FEW HEADCANONS

1. Remus has a small library of leather-bound books in the flat where he lives. The space is small thus only his favorite books stay on the shelves of the wooden holder. Some of his favorite reads are muggle fairy tales and children’s stories. Sometimes, he reads those before going to bed with the intention of perhaps dreaming about them and forgetting about his inner demons.

2. Lupin has a shelf filled with polaroid pictures of him and the Marauders. Some of them feature some of their other friends too but all kinds of adventures were captured on the tiny pieces of photographic material. From their cliff climbs to their campfires and road trips; from his twelfth birthday to his eighteenth; from this one time when they tried to feed Severus Snape a hair loss potion to the time when they popped the loudest fireworks around the castle at two in the morning right before the exam day in fifth grade. His big journal from Hogwarts is also sitting there but hidden behind the rest of the books.

3. When Remus was younger and still in Hogwarts, his boggart was the full moon. When he had faced one in his third year, the creature transformed into a still puddle of water that contained the reflection of the celestial body, his eyes instantly hurting from its sight by instinct. If Lupin was to encounter the creature now, however, he would see the Marauders being taken away from him by different means – perhaps it would be Sirius going back to his family and being turned to one of the Pureblooded supremasist or James being killed or Peter resenting him for who he was – a monster. Ironically, after the First War ends his Boggart becomes true in one way or another. Either way, the Marauders are broken apart and only left a memory, so his biggest fear becomes the puddle of still water containing the reflection of the siren moon.

4. Remus’ favorites include Pixie Puffs cereal, chocolate, peach juice, history books, the colors brown and dark red, Lupinus flowers ( ironically ). His best classes were Transfiguration and Charms while Potions were his worst nightmare.

5. Remus’ relationship with the Marauders is the one thing he is most afraid of losing. With each and every one of them he holds a special connection, as a group and as different individuals. James always brightens his day with warmhearted jokes and firey heart, Sirius always motivates him to be who he is despite his lycanthropy. However, Peter Pettigrew was the Marauder Remus felt the closest to. Silent and a bit aloof, Wormtail has always been the quiet listener who would listen to his confused mind and offer back advice. As a whole, the Marauders are so much more than just an ordinary group of friends. They are what keeps him sane ever since their first days together until now – through the pranks, the experiences and their relentless bravery of helping a monster out and fleshing into a human worth living.

6. When his father had taken him to the pets shop at Diagon Alley, Remus really wanted a cat. He had always wanted a ginger one that he could love and take care for. Upon entering the little wooden shop, however, all the cats and kittens started hissing at him in fear or aggression so Remus ended up with a Tawny Owl instead.

7. When Remus was packing for his first year at Hogwarts he tried to keep most of the items reminding him of his old life – one filled with pain, nightmares of wolves and Fenrir Greyback and insomnia – behind. He only kept a leather bracelet which still stands on his right hand gifted to him by his father.

-A FEW POTENTIAL PLOT POINTS

1. I would love to explore the relationship between the Marauders in the heated moments of the boiling war. I think in such trying times people let out their true nature out more often than not and with Remus, who has his instincts peaking during stress, it’d be fun to see how the Marauders help him when he’s confused, sad, troubled or anything in between. I’ve always loved the bond between the four boys and their chemistry is definitely something worth exploring.

2. I want to have Remus open up when it comes to his romantic side. He is not exactly reserved when it comes to that but he doesn’t open up as easily. Even if the Marauders make him feel a little bit less self-conscious because of his lycanthropy, he still is a hopeless romantic who limits himself because he doesn’t want to be disappointed. Very few are the constants in his life and he doesn’t want to hurt others just because of the monster residing in him and the things that come with it.

3. We know that in canon, Remus’ life is quite unfortunate after the First Wizarding War. Two of his best friends are dead ( or so he believes ) and the other has suspicions and bears hatred against him. He is left with no one, including his father who he chooses not to bother with his gloomy attitude. I want to discover and perhaps weave on my own the reasons and the build ups that lead to this future life. I know that this RP is semi-AU but I am still eager to explore these little details and chain reactions.

IN CHARACTER QUESTIONNAIRE

♔ If you were able to invent one spell, potion, or charm, what would it do, what would you use it for or how would you use it? Feel free to name it:

The answer came to him in an instinct, his mouth opening to say it before he bit his tongue. “Uhm, anything that would prevent Sirius’ biggest fear becoming true – hair loss. I swear, this is literally all he whines about and I’m sick of it already so please, let’s just invent something for that. We could add something extra in it too, like a good scent of motorcycles of leather jacket, I dunno.” He laughed, thinking of the impossible to create cure for lycanthropia. Oh, what would he give to revert this beast inside him. But then he wondered, would his bond with these three boys be as strong as it is now if it weren’t for his condition? Nobody knew, not even Remus himself.

♔ You have to venture deep into the Forbidden Forest one night. Pick one other character and one object (muggle or magical), besides your wand, that you’d want with you:

“For that one, I’ll probably get someone who wouldn’t want to chase after unicorns and gigantic Acromantulas all the time. Peter’s my best option because there is no way in hell that James and Sirius wouldn’t want to have a ride on their back or whatever. You can’t imagine the lengths they’d go to for some adrenaline. I’m telling you, it’s crazy.” He laughed, pursing his lips while thinking of something to take with him besides his wand. “The eleven years old me would take a book or a dozen of Honeydukes cakes. The eighteen years old me would take something to drink because why not?”

♔ What kinds of decisions are the most difficult for you to make?

Remus furrowed his eyebrows, answering in hesitance. “I-” he paused, thinking about it for some good seconds. “I suppose decisions on life and death. You know, if I am in a situation where I have to kill someone or something I would think twice. Thrice, maybe even four times. It might cost me my life but that’s a life there. It’s hard for me to kill.” Remus took a deep breath, not even fathoming what or how many corpses he would’ve left behind if it wasn’t for the Marauders. “It’s stupidly malicious to take a life just because you have a sick fascination of murdering. It’s…” Lupin looked away, clenching his jaw and exhaling softly, “Can we not talk about it, please?”

♔ What is one thing you would never want said about you?

“I guess that I’m careless. Which I don’t see happening anytime soon because, you know, I care too much about too many things.” He smiled faintly, warm eyes weaving a story too untrue. In reality, Remus was most afraid of being called a beast. A monster like Fenrir Greyback, a destroyer of lives. A killer. But oh, how could he voice that? How could he tell people that he was not this animal who lived to kill and hunt when each month he was reminded of this?

WRITING SAMPLE

SAMPLE NUMBER ONE ;; excerpts from Remus’ journal.

1971, October

A month after Dumbledore’s advice to begin a diary or a journal or whatever I finally got to do it. You know, being in a new school is kind of scary. It’s like the monsters under my bed which are obviously not there but now dad’s not here to… you know, look over me. Anyways, do I introduce myself here? I’m Remus… Remus Lupin and I’m sorted into the cool red house. People here are very… cheerful and I am… well, I’m me. It’s also kind of intimidating here but I think I’ll manage somehow with the help of the… professors around to you know, keep me in track if I start doing something stupid. It’d be a pity to get expelled so fast because of issues with behavior or something like that. What else do I say? Oh, the library is… neat and there are a couple of classmates who seem to be really nice. I doubt they wanna hang around with me too much though. Frankly, I’m scared to initiate anything by myself, really. *the page continues and finishes with random doodles and lines that begin with a thick jet black color to an inkless trail embedded into the page*

1974, February

I have to study but… I’ve got something on my mind which I can’t get out since my last… trip. Usually, the three days after I get back from… home, are the hardest. You know, it’s just that thing inside that makes you… homesick ( not really ) and… anyways, you know the thing I’m talking about, I’m just avoiding eavesdropping here. What I wanted to tell you was that… you see, ever since my childhood, I’ve never seen hope in the form of something. I read a book once, it was fiction but still, it was revolving around the concept of hope and how one could become happier if their heart were filled with it. Yet, never have I ever experienced the feeling of having my heart peaking with hope. Three days ago though, I saw it. I felt it. Those three boys, I swear, are the entire reason why I’m writing these pages here sanely. These pages would’ve been stained with inner thoughts that would never get out, experiences that would never play out if it weren’t for them. They… they give me hope in my trying times and the world isn’t so grey and negative with them in it. I think it’s too late to say that but I think… I think despite all the tragedies in my life, perhaps they are the thing I need to cling onto to survive… all of this.

1976, May

Do you remember that time when I told you I was the one hatching and developing the more dangerous and reckless plans together with Prongs, Padfoot and Wormtail instead of actually participating in them? You know, when I told you that I acted like their… bodyguard ( Sirius, if you ever find, read and laugh at this, I swear I will not talk to you for a month ), protecting them from teachers and stuff? Well, guess what responsible Lupin did today. He became the wanted DEAD student of the castle. So, we have that exam on Transfiguration and I had studied for it last week. All I needed to do was reread my notes and everything went neatly settled into my brain and ready to pour out of it on a list of parchment. However, just as I was preparing to get in bed, Prongs smashed the door of our dorm room, accompanied by Wormtail, which is the biggest surprise if you ask me, carrying fireworks and other explosives in a bag hanging on his shoulder. The moment I saw them I remembered that I felt a wave of regret but ‘one could not just sleep when James Potter was persuading him’. Long story short, the four of us were awake until three A.M. and hiding under the cloak for around two hours to avoid Filch only to fire up everything in the sky around and inside the castle and ruin everyone’s sleep. It was… look, I’d say unresponsible and definitely foolish, immature and nasty towards our friends and… not that big of a friends but it was fun. Maybe it worked nicely against my stress levels? And, you know, other things. Anyways, when one thinks it’s too good to be ruined by something so insignificant, it turns out McGonagall, a person who I very much respect if I may add, found something on the very same floor where the impact had happened. Yes, my wand. My. Damn. Wand.

Conclusion: This is why I don’t do such pranks.

And, P.S., I got lower on the exam than anticipated. Thanks Prongs, I certainly do not owe you one.

P.S. 2: For the first time it was Wormtail who got us out ( or at least tried to ) of this sticky situation and not me. Oh, how the tables have turned.

1977, late November

I… Today was not my proudest day. But sometimes, you see, a person can just have that much of a certain something and just… well, snap? See, you’d think that after seven years of living under a roof with someone, despite the different houses, bullying would stop at a certain point. I listened to Padfoot when these Pureblood kids tried to get on my nerves or tried to crumble me down and I never seemed to execute his advices well enough. They always got to me. They laughed about my barely visible scars and about my books. About my high grades, and Prefect status and the Marauders kept saying it was because they were jealous. So today a boy from Snape’s house, again, bit me with words and actions. He straight up forced my huge Charms essay up in the air and burned it to a crisp. I don’t know what got into me and I don’t know if it’s because of the wolf inside of me ( the word wolf was scratched, invisible under all the ink ) but I… I just punched the guy. I didn’t even flick my wand I just did it. All I saw in that moment was red and do you know when do I usually see red? When the usual thing happens, when I widen my gaze and lose myself. I immediately felt regret after it but Wormtail was fast enough to get me out of there while also carrying threats of whatnot on his back for me. I’m afraid that maybe my other self is taking the best of me and ripping it apart.

PARA SAMPLE TWO ;; inspired by the nightmare event, a piece in which Remus contemplates about his own visions and the inability to help his friends despite his incredible selflessness ( this is how a reply would look like )

It felt like his mind was a big screen with the nightmarish pictures put on a constant loop. It just kept repeating and his head hurt even days after everything had been over. Remus’ scalp hurt from all the hair pulling, throat sore from the screams that were left unheard in his closed flat and his eyes red, accompanied by the dark circles under them. Instead of the simple curtains hanging in front of his window or his white door he saw claws, blood, pine wood trees with pinned bodies on them – the bodies of his friends. Each time another tree was revealed, the body switched – from the Marauders to Lily, to Dorcas or Amos or Marlene and Mary. The visions were disgusting and terrifying, his stomach only churning each time he shot his eyes open and saw that it was over. That the dream was over.

He groaned loudly as he got up from the bed with a slight aching in his neck from all the violent snaps form left to right. The nightmares weren’t leaving his dreams after the horrifying experience and it felt too real even when it was not anymore. Remus hadn’t visited any of his friends for these past seventy-three hours and quite frankly, he didn’t have the strength. A transformation to a werewolf was painful beyond recognition but that nightmare couldn’t even be compared to his monthly pain. They left a deeper scar compared to all of the ones covering his hands and legs – they left a scar on his psyche.

But today was different. It took Remus a total of three minutes to realize what he was doing was wrong. His entire life he’s been a victim trying to live past his tragedy and the very same people who had once helped him and continue to do so were now hurting. Perhaps it was easier for him to look past the pain and leave it for when he was falling into the world of dreams again – but now the roles needed to reverse. He had to help his loved ones.

After fixing himself up to look at least presentable, he decided to do everything step by step. With a gentle pop he arrived at Peter’s doorstep, the door painfully reminding him of the one guarding his own flat – a piece of hardwood that turned into a pine tree form his dreams with a hung corpse on it – but he shook his head and instead knocked on it, mouths opening but words lost. “Wo-” he paused, noticing how voiceless he is from the three days spent in silence, “Wormtail. It’s me.” Remus was laconic, “Moony. Are you-” another crack reminding of a thunder slicing the night sky, “Are you there? Are-… are you alright?”

The door opened silently and Peter’s eyes peeked warily behind it. With a certain tilt of his head, the big lump that had formed in Remus’ chest instantly fell to the ground as his hands helped opening the door and pulled the other boy into a firm hug. No words had to be spoken. Peter wasn’t okay, neither was Remus. But, perhaps now, Lupin said to himself, he could be the hope in Wormtail’s eyes just like his friends were for him back in those faithful and lone school days.

#remus lupin #hp rp #lsrpg #marauders era rp #harry potter rp #accepted app

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phynxrizng · 7 years

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NEW MOON IN GEMINI,..CONFRONT YOUR SHADOW SIDE

New post on Witches Of The Craft®

New Moon in Gemini: Confront Your Shadow Side

by ladyoftheabyss

New Moon in Gemini: Confront Your Shadow Side

Read your sign's New Moon in Gemini Horoscope now

Normally the Gemini New Moon is known to be as free and easy as a kite flying in a spring breeze ...

but this New Moon in Gemini on May 25, 2017, carries a heavier burden with unrelenting Pluto and taskmaster Saturn in the picture.

An uneasy Venus-Pluto square indicates expressing your emotions can stir up hurt feelings. Vulnerable Venus seeks love, but Pluto brings more than sweet romance to the picture. Additionally, this New Moon creates anxious aspects with both of these planets, confronting us with the shadow side of relationships.

We are drawn toward the bright light of attraction, but ignoring the darker issues only makes matters worse.

Bringing previously hidden issues into awareness isn't necessarily fun, but the results make it a worthwhile endeavor.

Nevertheless, we may be required to take a circuitous path to reach satisfaction. Messenger Mercury forms an uneasy connection with Saturn, restricting the flow of communication. Usually, talking about a problem leads to resolution, but this anxious aspect makes us work harder for it. Although the Gemini New Moon tempts us with a loosening of personal and professional restraints, we have obstacles to overcome on our

Setting intentions for new goals is only the first step; we must be determined when following through with our commitments to ourselves and others.

Aries Horoscope (March 21 - April

There are countless signs that lure you in many directions and, true to your curious nature, you want to pursue all of them. Although the light-footed Gemini New Moon dances in your 3rd House of Distractions, a solemn feeling weighs on your soul. Instead of shooting off a snappy comeback or changing the subject by telling a joke, you're more likely to confront a complex emotional dilemma. Those close to you might be put off by your directness at first, but they will appreciate your honesty in the long run. Author Peter McWilliams wrote, "Comfort zones are most often expanded through discomfort."

Taurus Horoscope (April 20 - May

You are feeling pressured to reassess your fiscal condition. You may uncover a financial picture that's quite different from the one you expected as the data-rich Gemini New Moon lands in your 2nd House of Resources. You might even panic when you realize the gravity of the situation, but you can quickly rebound if you make the necessary adjustments to your course. Your patience will serve you well since you won't achieve your newly clarified goals overnight. Break down your action plan into simple steps, so you can set yourself back on track with the least amount of collateral damage.

Gemini Horoscope (May 21 - June

You nostalgically dream of a time when you had more stability in your life than you do these days. Although the flexible Gemini New Moon can be a serious game-changer in your 1st House of Personality, the current uncertainty could be very exhilarating. But your attempts to keep systems functioning as they did in the past is futile; the incomprehensible speed at which your life is changing might leave you a bit awestruck. Thankfully, your willingness to flow with the everchanging circumstances is your greatest talent now. If it looks like you may fall short of your goals, stop and reassess your plans so you can try again. Adaptability is your middle name.

Cancer Horoscope (June 21 - July

Although you might be so scattered that you're not very productive at work, there are many kinds of success stories. In fact, your accomplishments aren't visible to others with the Gemini New Moon occurring in your 12th House of Privacy. Luckily, your stream of consciousness reveals a new direction for you to follow. Don't resist any thoughts that enter your mind, even if they seem outrageous in the current context. Happily, there is plenty of time to weed out the irrelevant ideas while nurturing the best ones. Theodore Roosevelt said, "Nobody cares how much you know, until they know how much you care."

Leo Horoscope (July 23 - Aug. 22)

It seems as if everyone wants a piece of you while the friendly Gemini New Moon stirs the energy in your 11th House of Networking. An unexpected string of events draws you out into the community even if you wish you could retreat. Nevertheless, your public life is shifting from being a distraction into the main event. You need to be in the middle of the action because social connections are the missing link that provides timely and much-needed support. Altering your perspective empowers you to see the advantages of allies who believe in you. Be the friend you

Virgo Horoscope (Aug. 23 - Sept.

Your ability to concentrate is being tested as you're tempted to start a new journey by taking several paths at once. Although the breezy Gemini New Moon quickly disperses your stuck energy, its presence in your 10th House of Responsibility makes this an auspicious moment to discuss your next significant project. Nevertheless, you are still constrained by time; trust your intuition and make a choice. Pick just one route with confidence, but stay flexible enough to change directions farther down the road.

Libra Horoscope (Sept. 23 - Oct.

You can't wait to share your travel plans with others. Although it's fun to fantasize about your next adventure, you must get serious if you truly intend to turn your visions into reality. Rather than spinning wild stories based on your conjectures, start a productive dialogue. The curious Gemini New Moon sets up shop in your 9th House of Distant Horizons, inspiring you to reevaluate your long-term goals. Create a bucket list if you don't already have one. Life is short; do whatever is necessary to make your dreams come true.

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct. 23 - Nov.

Your nervous system is naturally wired for the most intense exchanges, which is why you're attracted to extreme emotional situations. Your brute honesty is even harder for others to handle now that the interactive Gemini New Moon sends ripples of energy through your 8th House of Intimacy. Although you may be willing to talk about sensitive topics that others try to avoid, there's still plenty of room for compromise. A more laid-back approach allows you to participate in the deep and meaningful discussions that you crave without scaring off your audience.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov. 22 -

Relationship dynamics are in the midst of powerful changes, prompting you to ask for what you want while the energy is still in flux. The Gemini New Moon falls in your 7th House of Partners, continuing to agitate your personal interactions. Choosing the right words to accurately convey your message is critically important. Keep your disclosure concise and to the point. However, if you get stuck in your delivery, stop and start again from the beginning. The character, Malcolm Wallace in 'Braveheart' said, "Your heart is free; have the courage to follow

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec. 22 -

You might correctly assume that changing your attitude is the best way to improve your life, but breaking free from old habits can be a daunting challenge. Your obligations pull you in conflicting directions, making it tricky to hold your course. Fortunately, the versatile Gemini New Moon blasts your 6th House of Self-Improvement with positive vibrations, offering you the chance to initiate action to confirm new patterns. Luckily, the small gains you make now will grow into bigger ones over time.

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan. 20 - Feb.

Your schedule is stretched to the max but the last thing you want to do is neglect your responsibilities. Nevertheless, the whimsical Gemini New Moon broadcasts its happy-go-lucky energy in your 5th House of Play, fueling a growing urge to kick off your shoes and have fun. You believe that you will be able to accomplish more if you are enjoying yourself rather than suffering in silence. Fortunately, the decision is totally yours; you can put your shoulder to the wheel and make yourself miserable by complaining as you work. Or, you can change the game by simply whistling a happy tune.

Pisces Horoscope (Feb. 19 - March

There's a valuable lesson to learn if you can demonstrate your vulnerability by explaining your inner process to someone you trust. Thankfully, the loquacious Gemini New Moon energizes your 4th House of Emotional Security, inspiring you to reveal your personal needs. However, there's no reason to water down your message by invoking vague generalities. Being more specific about your feelings leads to the most positive results. Opening your heart encourages others to do the same.

FOUND IN. WITCHES OF THE CRAFT.COM/ladyoftheabyss | May 25, 2017 at 3:06 pm | Categories: Articles, Daily Posts, Horoscopes | URL: http://wp.me/p8edJu-G1x

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netherwar-rpg-blog · 7 years

Photo

Welcome to the Wardens, Ash! Your application for a MAGE OC has been accepted with a Jessica Parker Kennedy FC.

The application can be found under the cut. You have 48 hours to create a roleplay account (cannot be a sideblog) for your character and we will be updating our opening date soon!

O O C - I N F O

Name: Ash

Age: 22

Timezone: EST (USA)

Activity Level: I should be on from 3 to 5 days a week depending on my work schedule and my well-being.

Extra: n/a

C H A R A C T E R - I N F O

T H E - B A S I C S

Name: Alyaena Wynn

Gender: (cisgender) Female

Age: 1,000

Class: Mage (Arcanist)

Faceclaim: Jessica Parker Kennedy

C H A R A C T E R - D E T A I L S

Nationality: Carnish (in truth, she is Elvish)

Appearance: Alyaena is a young Moon Elf of 5’8 height with warm beige skin, thin rosy lips, bright hazel hooded eyes, small round nose, and long, wavy dark brown hair tied up in a low messy bun. Her body can be described as long and lean. Her ears are large, pointed and has three piercings on each, however always kept hidden underneath her hair or robe’s hood ever since she left her homeworld. Her hands are somewhat rough from years of working long hours for her studies of the magical arts. Her distinguishing marks are a deep scar down along the right side of her neck, a claw mark on the left side of her chin, scarring around her fingers, and burnt markings that resemble lightning down her left arm from magical experiments. She has a geometric tattoo on the back of her neck which acts as a rune for protection. The face model of this character is based on Jessica Parker Kennedy. Her voice sounds like Carmen Ejogo.

Her attire falls under the style of simple and convenient. She usually wears a white long-sleeve off-shoulder blouse, a blue scarf around her neck, black tight breeches, a brown sash around the waist, brown leather belt hanging around her waist with a pouch attached to it, brown leather boots, black shoulder armor over her left shoulder, and mauve-colored robe with a hood. She carries around a sliver pendent necklace around her neck, which was given to her by her mentor. She has three gold earrings in each ear.

Personality:

(+) Educated, Independent, Levelheaded, Daring, Curious

(-) Complex, Eccentric, Proud, Reckless, Stubborn

The ever ambitious and eccentric Alyaena Wynn is driven to understand the arcane knowledge of magic. She eagerly seeks to understand as well as study all forms of magic. But her appetite for knowledge is sometimes believed to be dangerous. Alyaena is willing to go hazardous lengths for the sake of her studies, including putting her own well-being at risk if she had to. She is often considered as “madcap” or “dangerous” by the people in her homeworld for her extreme magical experimentations.

Alyaena has no interest of gaining great power like most mages would desire. Instead she is only curious of the many possibilities that magic is fully capable of; what boundaries and unknown opportunities it holds. The knowledge of magic to the young woman was far more interesting than any power she could ever desire. Other than her curiosity, she also works hard to learn more about the magical arts to prove herself to others and to feel as she is needed. Alyaena fears of becoming irrelevant. She wishes to make something of herself with her work. Overall, as a person, Alyaena concerns more about getting her work done and putting herself to actual use than about minor things such as making friends, playing hero, and living inadequately.

She is not a sociable person and prefers to keep to herself majority of the time. She comes off as an arrogant person since she seems to be looking down at everyone around her. But she only acts this manner because she does not wish to waste her time with people who lack the intellect to understand her. Though she doesn’t interact with others much, she does pay attention to them due to her being a keen observer. She also tries her best to keep her composure, but sometimes she does have her rare moments of meltdowns.

C H A R A C T E R - B A C K G R O U N D

History:

Alyaena is a Moon Elf or a member of the Morvel who is a highly curious mage for all magical knowledge known to existence. She was orphaned as an infant in her homeworld known as Mylorá and never knew the identity of her parents. She lived within an orphanage most of her childhood where she bullied and neglected by the people there until she was taken in by a lonely and infamous noblewoman named Yzanami Wynn after attempting to steal from her with the use of magic. The noblewoman saw potential in the young child and believed she could be of use to her political game. So, throughout her childhood, Alyaena was spoiled by the noblewoman with all the things her little heart could desire to expand her magical knowledge. Although she was given all the proper books, education, and guidance she could ever wanted, she was raised by Yzanami in isolation from civilization to keep her on the right track of her mage training. For years, Alyaena never saw anything wrong about being cut off from society, therefore she never did mind the isolation.

Around her adolescent years, she would escape the prosperous home she had known for so long every now and then to observe the life of the settlements around her and comprehend the various behavior of her people. She soon learned about Yzanami’s plans for her in the political game, which was something she was not pleased with at all. Rather than confronting the woman she acknowledged as a beloved mother for all these years, Alyaena went along with the plans until they no longer aligned with her aspirations. That was the moment in her life when she gained a negative perspective on people in general.

When she became a sufficient age, Yzanami sent Alyaena to work for the council as their new Arcane Advisor. It didn’t take long for the rumors to begin to spread around the people of Mylorá about how Yzanami’s ludicrous young prodigy was deemed to be a menace to their authority figures with her high intellect yet dangerous curiosity for even the forbidden arts. But the young elvish woman tried to not allow the undesirable rumors to get to her. She saw the job opportunity as a chance for her to do more with her life. As a chance for her to learn more about all she wanted to learn about. She could for once truly try to prove herself to be something.

Reason for joining the Wardens:

She and a small group was assigned to create a portal in order to scout out the humans for a possible alliance. The plan ended up backfiring and Alyaena found herself trapped in the one place she never imagined being stuck in; Eldris. She joined the Wardens as an act of survival as well as a way to see if the humans are actually worthy enough to be counted on as allies for her people, the Morvel.

Desired Connections:

I do not want this option and Alyaena will enter the Wardens as a stranger.

R O L E P L A Y - S A M P L E

Your character has been travelling along a rugged road in bitter winds when they are suddenly leapt upon by desperate, rougish bandits. They demand gold, or they will use their swords. How does your character respond?

Alyaena stumbled through the dark forest, awkwardly swerving past the trees that came across her path. This was not the plan, she thought as she combed for any twigs or leaves caught in her muddled brown hair. She did not know what to make about her undesirable whereabouts. Did she make it to Eldris? Was this the place? What happened to the others? Was she alone? She kept overwhelming herself with one question after another while trying to figure out what happened. What was happening?

At last, she finally found herself out of the dark forest and out onto a rocky trail. The moonlight shone bright down on her along with her surroundings. Alyaena looked up to the night sky, taking a moment to settle back down to the reality she was facing now. She didn’t realize that she had been breathing violently this whole time. She stopped breathing for a minute to find sounds of the harsh winds blowing. Windy weather in the dead of night alone. Possibly alone. She could possibly be alone but she didn’t want to jump to conclusions just yet. Maybe she wasn’t the only one to make it through the portal. Hopefully.

Before she began walking down the rocky trail, she brushed her hair over her pointed ears to hide them and pulled her cloak over her head. Keep your identity hidden. Eldris or not, you can’t make yourself stick out, Alyaena girl.

She strolled down the trail with her weak legs and messy appearance but a calmer mind now. She needed to stay grounded. But she desperately wanted nothing more but to find the answers to the questions she had. Though, she did find the answer to one question.

“Well, well, well,” said one of the shifty-looking men standing by a fence up ahead the trail. And these weren’t just any men. They were humans, meaning she was in Eldris. She didn’t know if she should take that as good news or bad, however.

“What we gots here, lads? A lost, little birdy?” The man whistled, standing in front of her and pulling out his sword. The other men beside him sniggered and copied their supposed-leader’s actions. Alyaena stopped in her tracks as the men blocked her path. “How ‘bout ya be a nice little birdy and give us alls the gold ya got on ya, huh? Or else we’ll have to get a bit rough about this?”

Alyaena glared down at the men’s feet and shook her head. She was most definitely in Eldris. These men reeked of dirt and filth. She looked up to the men who had their weapons pointed at her, looking nowhere near the term intimidating. They just looked…desperate. She should just kill them since they threated her but would it be worth it? They were just pathetic humans after all.

“Hey! Give us ya money or we will fucking kill ya, ya stupid bitch!” One of the men shouted, reaching for her arm. Alyaena moved away from him before he could grab her. She sent a sharp glare to the man and scowled.

On the other hand, she thought. It’s humans.

With one hand, she put two of her fingers together and drew a circle in the air. In a matter of seconds, a blast of lighting came from her hand and struck the men, causing them to cry out anguished screams until they fell to the ground. They were now completely quiet and still.

For now.

Maybe.

“Welcome to fucking Eldris, Alyaena.” She muttered miserably to herself, ignoring the unpleasant smell of burning flesh in the air.

#accepted #mage oc #admin notice

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lady-nevermore · 7 years

Text

Session 2

Before I begin talking about what happened in Therapy, can I just say how relieved, and am low-key/sorta glad, that I actually managed to get a good night’s sleep last night? I actually fucking managed to go to bed early, get 8 hours of sleep, and woke up around 6 AM without feeling like I was gonna pass out from sleep-deprivation (Yess! Take that insomnia)! >:D

Yesterday, as well as last Saturday (and even the earlier part of Today), were actually some pretty good days for me; These last couple of weekends Me and mom have been going to church for the last couple of Sundays around 6AM (most would be surprised with me being semi-religious/agnostic, but it was nice actually, calming even....) and closely afterwards we’ve been trying to make a habit of walking to our local library that’s close by (where there also happens to be a local duck pond in conjunction with said library). And Yesterday, on our way back from church, we even managed to help save this poor kitty (that had it’s head stuck in a jar).

So yeah, woke up around 6 AM in the morn today, and took a walk with my mom to our local library. It was nice (soothing even) just walking around in the crisp cold fresh morning breeze, and looking at the reflection of the pond whilst taking in the local wildlife: ducks obviously, a couple of squirrels, robins, crows, hell we even saw a fish (Salmon I think) jump and flop back into the water like twice, as well as saw a falcon on the rooftop of the library at one point too. It was nice, seeing these animals just go about their business, frolicking and whatnot. It made me smile. :)

We’re trying to make this a habit of sorts, (this the third time/third weekend now that we’ve done this, so far so good right) in order to help me get used to getting out of the house more often and make a ritual of getting some low-key exercise along the way.....Umm, does walking for half an hour or even an entire hour count as exercise?. lol ^^;

Anyways, I’ve also managed to accompany my parents to the grocery store during these last past couple of weekends aswell; and yesterday, I even plucked up the courage to go with them to Lowes and helped my folks pick out and buy a new washing-machine (the last one we had, has been on it’s last/final legs for like effing years now, so this was def. a long time coming).

Hell, today, I even managed to get some spring-cleaning done and dusted the crap outta my room and living room (haven’t dusted my damn room in ages, so it’s been a long time coming) and I’m not gonna lie, but it feels so much nicer/cleaner/fresh now that it’s not soo goddamn dusty, it’s nice. ^^;

And tbh all things considered, doing all of this as of late (even if it may seem miniscule to everyone else) has all really made me feel somewhat productive, and I think that it’s helping me a lot.

But anyways, back to the actual therapy session itself...

May 22, 2017

So, Second day of Therapy today...

And well, shit.... I mean knew it was gonna happen eventually (and here’s me thinking it was gonna take like ages for this to happen cause, if there’s one thing I really hate and can’t stand: it’s me crying in front of people, especially people I know or am emotionally attached to; it makes me feel soo fucking vulnerable, uncomfortable, exposed, and worst of all weak) but yeah, I didn’t actually think I was gonna cry this early on in our sessions (I mean we just barely got started). >_>;

...At first, My therapist just asked me how I was feeling and I told her that I was feeling nervous, nervous that during this session, we were actually gonna start digging into deeper, more emotional stuff, than the simple mere evaluation she did during our first initial session. and that’s when we started to talk and go through basically a timeline of my entire life up to this point so to speak.

- Age 5-6: Emotionally (and sometimes physically abused) by my Aunt whom was living/sharing a household with me, my parents, her husband and son at the time, let’s call her “Aunt C”; I felt like I was living in a broken home, a household full of domestic fighting (screaming matches) between my poor victimised mom and my poor excuse of an aunt who was basically a control freak and snapped / flew off the handle at every little thing. My parents were always working hard trying to make ends meet, they weren’t intentionally neglecting me or anything like that, they are good decent people (we grew up poor), but they just never really had the luxury or time to be spending time with me let alone take care of me (and so left me in my Aunt’s care cause they had no choice and it was convenient). The fighting was so bad that at one point I remember being horrified and in a state of utter shock as my “Aunt C” held my mom up against the wall with her hand around her throat (the memory of My Aunt almost attempting to strangle my mother will forever be burned in my mind). My younger self took refuge at school, My therapist says that due to the fact that I didn’t feel safe (nor was I getting enough consistent: love, attention, etc), that I started to block out everything that was happening at home via focusing on my school life, and thereby using my teachers and friends as substitute parental figures and family respectfully, in order to fill the void of what lacked in my home-life (I’ve done this all the way up till high school, I always consider my teachers as parental figures, adults I could legit trust, and each group of friends as my second/replacement family of sorts)....My therapist ain’t wrong: That’s why I always loved going to school, why my friends were the bright lights in my life from elementary school all the way up till high-school, and why I felt so damn attached to my teachers growing up, even all the way up till I graduated from High-School, to me they were my heroes (and it’s the main reason I wanted to become a teacher myself growing up.......and why I personally took one of my Teacher’s/Mentor’s/Old Friend’s death/passing soo damn hard during the year 2011, well that, and because I was actually a close friend to them, as well).

But none of that made me cry what struck a nerve, what really effing struck a nerve was the fact that when I was a Junior during High School, my dad had heart surgery (I was around 16 at the time), and my dad needed my mom to stay close to him (cause he was really scared and felt helpless without her), and I ended up staying at my “Aunt C” and her family’s house for a while.... And see here’s the thing, Aunt C has a son (my cousin) and I remember him telling me that he felt like i bullied him when we were kids, and in my mind we were just rough-housing, messing around as kids do when they’re 5-6.....He was serious when he told me he felt like I bullied him, and I felt absolutely fucking disgusted with myself, like sick to my stomach disgusted with myself, because in my mind I resent being put in the same category as my Aunt C or even being compared to her; because I always and will forever visualize/connect bullying with abuse (that and I personally hate the idea of people hurting other people; this all thank’s to my Aunt C).....funny how things came back full circle huh?......But anyways, when my cousin told me this, I apologized, and sincerely too....it was a serious moment between the two of us (because my voice started to crack with emotion, from tearing up in front of him), he accepted my apology and we never spoke of the incident again.

When I was explaining all of this to my Therapist, I didn’t even realizing i started to cry (like the silent, suffer in silence type of crying too); what really made me cry harder and struck a nerve was that she told me (after me telling her that I wished I would have known better as kid) was that it wasn’t my fault, that I shouldn’t be blaming 5-6 year old me for something that I wasn’t even mature enough to truly comprehend in regards to my actions and their respective consequences/repercussions.....I thought that I already made my peace with all of this in the past.....but to be honest, I think that really I needed to hear that from my Therapist.

We talked a lot about other moments in my life as well, like when I was 7 years old, my parents had left me with my godparents for like a week, and this was during Summer Vacation mind you (cause they didn't want me near my Aunt C anymore, and they were scrambling, looking for another place to live); I felt abandoned, like my parents abandoned me; my silly 7 year old self couldn’t emotionally comprehend what was happening, and didn't realize that it was only a mere short week( but in my mind at the time, it felt like months)....That was the first time I ever had a panic attack, the night my parents left me with my godparents (my godparents are and were good people mind you, I just wasn’t close or didn;t really know them all too well at the time).

We also talked about My High school Graduation, and how I noted that i felt depressed, sad, alone, and how I felt somewhat distant/abandoned by my friends (which I obviously blamed myself for); and how afterwards Grad-Night (they still do these nowadays right?) first kicked off my insomnia. -___-;

And the fact that one of the reasons why I feel so anxious is the fact that I’m afraid of encountering or spontaneously meeting up with some of my old teachers or high school friends, She asked me why I felt like this; and I said it was mostly because, I was mostly known as the straight A student, a teacher’s pets; and that these people had high hopes for me, hell I had high hopes for me; and that I’m afraid of feeling their disappointment, anger, rejection, of the the fact that I wasted my life after high-school, that and well.......that I’m also ashamed that I cut them all out of my life after I fell into a deep deep depression and had a mental/nervous breakdown (after my Mentor/Teacher/Friend passed away, and me shortly after failing all of my college classes, and dropping out of community college). Because if there is one thing I value above all else: it’s Loyalty and Friendship (I also told her that i’ve always had trouble keeping friendships in the past due to my trust issues, that stem mostly from my abusement from my Aunt C...cause if you can’t even trust family, how can i trust anyone else; but trust me, I fight against that anxiety-filled reflex as hard as i can, in order to still continue to strive and open-up/connect with people, especially those i consider and am honored to call: friend).

But the second thing that made me cry was the fact that My Therapist told me that she thinks that I’m a really strong person for willing to try to come to therapy in order to get better, and that I still had my whole life ahead of me (I’m 25 mind you, am a college dropout, doesn’t know how to drive, still live with my folks who deserve a better daughter than me, never even had a job before and am housebound, and all of this makes me feel like a goddamn failure), and that it wasn’t too late......hearing someone else besides my parents tell me this, solidified the possibility of there being some actual truth to what she was saying, that there was actually hope, and that was what made me cry, because of nigh possibility that there was still fucking hope for me.....well, that and that it might not be too late for me to reconnect with some of my old high-school friends from the past, even if it’s been 8 years too late (this one still scares the crap out of me mostly for fear of confronting them, their rejection and disappointment, facing their anger, etc).

....After a while, she told me that I placed waaay too many high expectations of myself (am too damn hard on myself) and she told me, that, that is my anxiety talking not, me.

And that she was glad to hear that I started putting in the effort of me trying to voluntarily going with my parents to the grocery store during the weekends (these past three weekends), as well as that fact that me and my mom have been trying to go to church, and take walks near our local library (you know the one with the duck pond).

Feeling sorta drained right now, gonna try to head to bed at 10:30 or 11 PM, in order to wake up early again (really need and want to kick my insomnia’s ass)....I’m sure there are loads of stuff I forgot to mention, or that I accidently skipped...If remember, I’ll probably do another one of these blog posts, and call it: “Therapy Session 2 Part 2″ or something like that. heh xP

- Lady Nevermore

#personal #therapy #therapy blog #session 2 #second day of therapy #i can't believe i actually cried #didnt think I was gonna cry this early on....#social anxiety #anxiety #depression

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