#and nancy would just listen and enjoy all this new knowledge and seeing the girl so excited

[strangerwheelerthings]

Semi-continuation of this post.

I wish to discuss these scenes:

First scene: Robin and Nancy are about to escape Penhurst, and Robin rambles fact that it took her longer than most to learn to walk. Nancy is busy observing their situation and determining the best way to go.

Second scene: They had just made it to the car when Nancy says, "You really are a weird runner" in humor.

Third: A day or so later, they are in the Upside Down, and Robin has wandered ahead a bit. Cue Nancy bringing up this tidbit about Robin, again.

You may be asking why this matters. I'll tell you why. It's an example of Nancy listening. They were in middle of a stressful situation, and Nancy was also focused on planning, when Robin said that. Nancy didn't even acknowledge the words in the midst of it. One would assume she wasn't paying attention or was drowning out Robins rambles if they were annoying her. Instead, she immediately referenced it as soon as they were safe. It was an active sign that she had both heard and interalized what Robin was saying.

Now, it's one thing to respond to something right after the fact, and another entirely to remember much later. Many people can be good at pretending to pay attention when someone is talking too much. That doesn't mean that they actually take in the information you provide them. Nancy remembered.

I think I can say with full certainty that no matter how you interpreted Ronance's interactions in season 4, Nancy was listening the entire time. Not just allowing Robin to speak, but paying attention. Any irritation was never about how much she was speaking, only from the accidental insults being sent her way in the beginning.

Anyone who has a tendency to ramble or is autistic probably knows how valuable and somewhat rare it can be to find someone who is not only willing to let you speak about whatever, but actually listens to you. It's more precious than words can say. Especially if they don't already have a shared interest in the topic.

[skullrock]

the lovers - Steve Harrington x Reader

pairing: Steve x Reader

summary: you’re a college student working at the info desk at your local art museum. you meet Steve when his class comes in to see the latest exhibit. Steve keeps coming back to see you. awkward flirtations/cuteness ensues.

word count: 2,036 (I am sorry)

warnings: none!

a/n: hello!! this is my first oneshot in many years! please feel free to leave feedback/constructive criticism! my requests are open :)

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You enjoyed your job as an information desk attendant at the local art museum. It was nice to meet new people and listen to their observations about the exhibits. You loved art, too, and were currently majoring in it. Plus, on really slow days, you were able to get homework done. It seemed like the perfect job for a college student.

It was on one of those agonizingly slow days that you first saw Steve Harrington. You were waiting for an art class from your college in town to come look at the newest installation. Your job was to check the class in and take them to their guide. As the crowd of students flooded in, you scanned for any familiar faces, waving to a few. Your eyes landed on a boy, no older than you, standing towards the back of the group. You hadn’t seen him here before; you definitely would have remembered. Long hair, tall and toned, plush lips. He was the kind of beautiful that made your heart ache, the kind that deserved to be considered art.

He looked over at you, making eye contact, and you smiled at him, quickly looking down and moving to the front of the group. Once acquainted with their guide, you left to sit back at the desk. You picked up a textbook to study. It was pointless, though. You couldn’t get the boy out of your head.

You were surprised when he came back the next week. This time, he wasn’t alone. He came with a pretty girl with short brown hair and bright eyes. You knew her – Robin – from a class you had together last semester. As they approached, you felt heat rising to your cheeks.

“Two student tickets?” you ask as they approach. Steve stares for a long moment before Robin pinches his arm.

“Oh! Uh, yeah,” he stutters, running a hand through his hair. “Yes. Two.”

You laugh slightly, awkwardly, and hand him two tickets and two gallery maps. “I remember you from last week,” you say. “Are you back for more?”

“I wanted to bring my friend, ya know, show her around,” he replies, fiddling with the edge of the tickets. There’s an awkward pause before you respond.

“Well, enjoy! If you have any questions I’ll be right here.”

He pauses, whispers, “I-okay,” and turns on his heel. Robin says a quick thanks before running to catch up with him. As they walk away, you hear him say, “Shut up, Robin!”

----------------------------------------

Robin and Steve wander aimlessly through the galleries. Steve tries to act like he really is interested in what they’re looking at, but she knows him better than that.

“You dragged me here to see this girl,” Robin says, “and all you do is make weird faces at her?”

Steve rolls his eyes and doesn’t respond.

“I thought you were going to get to know her,” Robin continues. “At this rate, how long is it going to take? Five years?”

“I- Robin!” Steve says, exasperated. “I have a system! I know what I’m doing.”

“Do you? You haven’t been King Steve in a while, dingus. Do you even remember what a girl is?”

Steve wanted more than anything to rebuke her, to tell her she’s wrong, but he knew she was right. He could remember the unfortunate flirting he attempted at Scoops and the disaster that was his relationship with Nancy. He usually ducked his head around pretty girls. But something compelled him to go for you. He wasn’t sure what it was, but he knew he couldn’t mess this one up.

----------------------------------------

The week after, he is back. This time, he walks in with a more confident swagger. You ready a ticket for him.

“Hi,” he says as he approaches.

“You must really like coming here,” you joke, handing him his admission and another gallery guide.

“What can I say? I’m a connoisseur.”

“Okay, connoisseur,” you remarked, smiling. “Who is your favorite artist?”

“Well, you know,” he says, trying to seem nonchalant. “It’s hard to pick. But if I had to, I’d probably go with...” In a moment of panic, his eyes shift down to the first name he sees on the gallery guide. “Monet.”

He pronounces this with a hard T.

You stare at him, almost stunned. You realize now that he’s putting up a front, trying to be confident, in an attempt to talk to you. You laugh.

“Uh, it’s Moe-ney,” you smirked. “But I appreciate the effort.”

His face falls and his eyes widen, looking panicked. You could see the blush creep up on his cheeks, almost hear his heartbeat speed up. You reveled in it.

“I know!” he defends. “Monet isn’t even my favorite. I was kidding.”

“Okay, mister big artiste. Do you have a name?”

“Steve,” he sighs. “It’s Steve.”

“I’m Y/N. You better start studying.”

----------------------------------------

“You said what?!”

Robin nearly rolls on the floor from how hard she’s laughing. “You called him what?!”

“I know how its pronounced, okay?” Steve groaned. “I just – I said it phonetically.”

“Literally everyone knows that’s not how you say it.”

“Whatever!” Steve huffs, plunking down on the couch. “You’ve gotta help me, Rob. I really want to know this girl. I want to have a chance. I can’t be an idiot around her.”

“But you’re smart, Steve.” Robin pats his knee. “Why don’t you impress her with the knowledge you dopossess?”

“Oh, like what? Like how to take care of 6 kids that aren’t even yours? Or how to make microwave mac and cheese? Or how to carry 9 empty cups out of a room in one trip? Or- “

“Okay, okay!” Robin interjects. “Alright. I will help you. Where do we start?”

----------------------------------------

You were pretty sure at this point that Steve was coming to see you, not the art. You started to dress up a bit for your shifts; dress to impress, right?

Another week or so passed before Steve came back. You smiled the moment he came through the door, and he shared one back, approaching you quickly.

“Learn anything new?” you ask, subconsciously adjusting your hair.

“I learned how Pollock changed the entire trajectory of American art.”

“Oh?” you ask, shocked. “Last week you came in here and mispronounced Monet, now you’re talking about Pollock’s impact?”

“A man can change,” he says with a smile. Then he leans down, onto the desk, becoming eye level with you. You can feel your breath hitch in your throat, a blush creeping up. You noticed a lot from this new angle: the smell of his cologne, rich and woodsy; the scar above his right eyebrow; the golden flecks in his dark eyes.

“And that’s not all,” he whispers. You blink, inclining your head, expecting an answer.

Finally, he says, “I know about Picasso, too.”

He straightens up, a victorious smile crossing his face. You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding, clearing your throat.

“Wow,” you laugh. “Color me impressed.”

“Yeah, I don’t mean to brag or anything, but uh,” he looks around before continuing, “I also know about Kandinsky.”

“I’m so proud, Steve.”

He opens his mouth to reply, but a few more people walk in, getting in line behind him.

“We’ll talk soon,” he says, giving you a warm smile before walking away. You watch him disappear around the bend; a smile plastered on your face.

----------------------------------------

The week after that, you have a shift with one of your coworkers. It was always nice to have company, but on a slow day like this one, it seemed pointless. To pass the time, you both talk. You decided to tell her about Steve, about how cute he was, about how wholesome you thought he was.

“I mean, this guy doesn’t know anything about art. But each week he comes back to learn a little bit more. Isn’t that cute?”

“Is this why you’ve been dressing up the past few weeks?” she asks. You roll your eyes.

“You should really see him. He is so damn-“

As if on cue, Steve enters the building. You can’t help but notice how good he looks in his red tee, how toned his arms are, how his jeans hug his legs…. You become acutely aware of how you were staring and quickly look away. He approaches the desk, tapping on it twice, smiling down at you.

“Hi Steve.”

“Hi Y/N.”

“Are you going to impress me this week?” you question.

“I thought maybe you could impress me,” he says, running a hand through his hair. “Why don’t you tell me something?”

“Like what?”

He exhales. “I don’t know. Who’s your favorite artist? What’s your favorite work here?”

“Oh, that’s too much to get into,” you laugh, shifting in your chair.

“Why don’t you show me around?” His eyes are suddenly bright and eager, and he bounces nervously on his feet.

You stare up at him, slack jawed. You weren’t expecting the forwardness. “Well – I – I have to work. I don’t get off until-“

“I’ll cover your shift,” your coworker pipes up. You nearly forgot she was there.

You look back between her, and Steve, then back at her. Your mouth opens and shuts, a protest dying on your lips. Yes, you wanted to; but you suddenly felt self-conscious and silly. You really weren’t expecting this, not today, not ever. A boy like Steve wanting to know you seemed unreal. Is this even ethical? Are you allowed to show a visitor around? One that you’re definitely attracted to? That you have been flirting with for, what, literally five weeks?

Fuck it, you decide. You can’t mess this opportunity up. Standing (shakily), you tell your coworker that you’ll be back before closing, and meet Steve on the other side of the desk.

“I figure that you know a bit about me, so I wanted to know more about you,” he says quickly as you both walk towards the first gallery. You could sense he was nervous, too. “I hope that’s not weird.”

“It’s not,” you beam, trying to shake off your apprehension. “Come on. I’ll show you my favorites.”

And so you walk around the galleries, pointing out the different works you like. As time passes, you both relax. Steve took it all in, asking questions when appropriate, seeming genuinely interested in your observations. You make him talk to you about the ones he likes, too. You laugh when he points out a Monet, pronouncing it correctly this time. You are both laughing, talking, trying to get to know each other in the short amount of time you have before the museum closes. It feels natural, like you’ve known him for years.

At the last gallery, you reach your favorite work in the galleries. A couple, caught in a kiss, in a crowded subway.

“This one is perfect to me,” you say. “It makes me feel so many things.”

“What’s your favorite part about it?” Steve inquires.

“The atmosphere,” you answer, “and the way those two interact. It’s like they are the only people in the world. Among the chaos of a busy subway, they only notice each other.” You smile sadly. “Have you ever felt that with anyone?”

Steve thinks for a minute. He wishes he could say yes, with Nancy. But even at their best, he never felt the stillness and calm the figures in the painting did.

“No,” he replies eventually. “Have you?”

“No,” you whisper. “Not once.”

There’s a comfortable quietness and peace between you two as you both stare at it a little longer. After a while, Steve clears his throat.

“Well, do you want to try?”

You look over at him, bewildered. He continues to look at the painting; you notice his brows slightly furrowed and his fingers tapping on his thighs. He finally looks over at you and smiles weakly.

“Try what?”

“This,” he responds, gesturing to the painting. “You and I. Chaos. Peace. Do you want to try?”

Your heart swells, a smile spreading over your face as quickly as oil on canvas. You gently take his hand, turning to face him.

“What are you doing tonight?” you inquire.

“Nothing,” he breathes. “What are you doing?”

“Letting you take me to that Italian place on the corner.”

He smiles widely, relief and confidence soaring through him. Finally, he thinks. You didn’t fuck this one up.  

“It’s a date.”

[toongrrl-blog]

Fashion Analysis: Nancy’s Purple work dress and Others Part 2

We’re back! We examine how Nancy’s dress stands as a beacon of great (admittedly mostly white) feminist hope, Karen Wheeler passes the torch in a consciousness-raising session, and we explore how purple has been used in other period pieces.

Nancy has been no stranger to purple before, wearing it as a symbol of her passion, youthful innocence, and heightened emotion. She wore it in the library when she thought she saw Barb (despite the knowledge that her best friend died) and she wore it the day that Steve invited her for a get-together at his mansion (with a pool!) and it’s something that she promptly changes out of before getting in the deep v-necked, chevron striped sweater to look a little more sexier. 

Now the purple is no longer pastel, it’s a saturated lilac that is updated for the times and reflects how she is no longer the naive girl in a ballet slipper necklace. After she talks about her struggles in a misogynistic office with her mother, her mother begins to open up, in colors that look subdued but symbolic (except for the makeup).

First check the colors: lavender tones and yellow. Purple on her eyelids. Put a pin those colors (I want to note that a bold red lip remains timeless) and that necklace. We are going to explore the mystique of Karen Wheeler: Model 1980s Housewife and peel some layers with the help of some other ladies in period pieces and her exposition. 

We learn that it was likely Karen Wheeler had her own dreams aside from the conventional and traditional life she leads as a bored housewife (who got close to adultery) until casual misogyny led her to abandon those dreams presumably because she “wasn’t smart enough” or “good enough” and stopped trying. Some other ladies (also with incredible hair) would relate outside of the series.

A savvy bombshell who had to negotiate sexism to get what she wanted, until she left men behind for now. 

A young woman in her own bold shadow giving the news to her (unappreciative) boss that she is leaving for better things.

A conventional wife and mother who always relied on her own beauty to get the attention and praise she needed and made the radical choice to go back for a Master’s degree. 

A disappointed young girl in sensible (and feminine) cardigan and button up shirt listens to whatever a male relative is trying to tell her. 

Two secretaries are reminded vividly of how disposable they are in a white male patriarchy but cannot confront the men themselves.

A sheltered proud homemaker questions her life choices as she is surrounded by women who insist on making bolder moves for their lives and change society for all women. She also finds she is very naive to how life works.

A woman who is renowned for her beauty and glamour fights to be recognized for her skills and intellect, tries to bring different people together, and is willing to confront authority figures on their wrongdoing. She also questions why a woman can’t be considered both beautiful and intelligent. 

A hardworking wife and mother tries to use her influence to improve the status of women and manages to fight anti-feminists while enjoying tea time with her daughters and their friends. She is also challenged with expectations for how wives were “supposed” to behave.

A woman, with a impenetrable veneer of perfection, attempts to negotiate her way to patriarchy by exploiting the image of traditional feminine perfection and keeping women's’ status, well, static. She loses out when she sees that no matter how many bodies she shoves under the bus, the men above her do not appreciate her efforts on their behalf. 

A young and beautiful princess grapples with issues of being a trophy wife, mother, her own roving eye after a marriage to a much older (and unappreciative) patriarchy, and her yearning to be her own person. 

A princess goes bold with her makeup, hair, and clothes to gain the attention she has been socialized to expecting. Trying to be a bombshell and “with it” while dealing with a crumbling marriage, feeling overshadowed by others, and no positive outlet for her intelligence.

A vivacious and stylish housewife grappling with the painful realities that men can be fickle and that gender roles don’t offer women any outlet for their ambitions or a safety net for when things get really bad, she learns she will have to make bold choices to better her circumstances.

All these women, like Karen, have made choices to survive the patriarchy and live life on their own terms. Some succumbing to the patriarchy, others revolting against it, and one who would betray others to win her seat in the boardroom. Many of these women are/were noted for their beauty only to find that other people (men) didn’t expect them to be insightful or smart; some of these women were wives and mothers who loved those roles but chafed at the idea that they’d give up their autonomy and individuality to be excellent at those jobs; a few came into motherhood and marriage rather young, before getting to experiment and mature their way through girl’s trips, work, and messy experiences. And many of them chose a different path for themselves aside from being a domestic and maternal figure, probably swearing off it for their own reasons. That was (and still the reality) of many women in Karen’s generation especially. Those were the options open to her and she chose the option that seemed to reap the most benefits. 

Now about Karen’s sartorial choices? First the necklace.

As noted in Seventeen magazine, many fans on the internet noticed the shape her necklace took, looking similar to a vaginal opening with the pearl as a clitoris. Given how heavy the male gaze was in the 1980s, this was a impressive expression of female sexuality. Given the look and symbolism (given added weight from the feminist pep talk she gives Nancy), it’s quite impressive for the conventional PTA mom whose front lawn held a Reagan/Bush ‘84 sign (just look up their policies on reproductive health and sex education, I recommend Gloria Feldt’s The War on Choice: The Right-wing Attack on Women's Rights and how to Fight Back). Then we go from Second Wave Feminism of the prior decade all the way back to First Wave Feminism’s use of White, Purple, and Yellow. 

White dresses stood out against men in their dark suits and were cheaper to maintain (laundry practices at the time caused colors to run) and reflect how white mainstream figures of the movement really were, after all Nancy and Karen are upper-middle class, white, cishet, conventionally attractive preppy suburbanites in Indiana and their experiences wouldn’t 100% match those of transgender women, working-class women (Joyce), women in abusive households (Max), traumatized women (El), women of color (Erica), larger or “outlier” attractive (Barb), or lesbians (Robin). 

Gold/Yellow stood for “Hope”, Purple for “Loyalty”, and White for “purity” (given that name “Karen” means “Purity” from Nordic origins, it’s pitch perfect). 

Hope and Loyalty embody the Party of Stranger Things, as to why Purity isn’t mentioned here, we will go in the 3rd part (all the racial implications can be looked up) and see the group get intersectional. 

[ziracona]

Might be to early to ask but do you think the Twins, or at least Charlotte, are redeemable? And how does Elodie interact with the group

Yeah, definitely. According to the new canon, Charlotte thinks/sees the survivors as the cultists who tortured her and her brother and got Victor killed. She got some people killed and killed some when stealing food, in self-dense (ish, since well, she was robbing. But imo if you’re starving and break in & someone attacks you you’re still acting in self defense basically) or in a panic. Which isn’t great, but she’s not evil and she lived a scared and fucked up life and has no reason to expect anybody won’t be like the people who burned her mom alive as a witch or tortured her and her brother. She’s one of the feral killers, all of whom I think are quite redeemable. Like most of them, it’d probably take a /lot/ of work to get her to give anyone enough of a chance to recognize anything good in them at all or be reached, or would take some extreme circumstances, but it definitely could happen. And the poor girl deserves some rehabilitation and love and help. : (

Victor, on the other hand, is harder to parse. As far as I can tell, from how the lore reads, he’s not actually Victor. If he was, I’d put him in the same camp as Charlotte. But since he’s almost definitely not, I see it playing out one of two ways. Since Victor is like I am 80% sure something the Entity made, like the crows but way more evil and destructive, and intelligent enough to be able to follow orders well and convince Charlotte he’s who he’s pretending to be, either any attempt to rehabilitate or befriend Charlotte ends with her having to eventually confront both her brother’s real death, which she never did even when he was a corpse hanging off her, finally come to terms and be at peace with it and love him but let him go and find a way to keep living, plus an epic showdown with Fake Victor and rejection of the lies the Entity fed her and it’s using her and fake paradise and fulfilled dream, in a kinda big “You call boats she, Georgie” moment for her, or.

Option #2, which I like just as much. In which, while an evil intentioned extension of the Entity like the crows, Victor is a living being, created construct or no, and makes better choices. We know from the crows that the Entity living creations are still alive in and of themselves and have some amount of free will, proven in that crows like Jake to the point crows will listen to Calm Spirit over Spies From the Shadows and ignore their singular created purpose in order to protect him. And I see no reason Victor couldn’t eventually, created to be feral and vicious and cruel or no, grow attached to the sister he pretends to know and love who loves him so utterly and truly, and he does get to know. I’m sure she, like Jake is to the crows, is infinitely kinder and better to him than the Entity is. And see no reason, especially as something made with human levels of cognition and processing, he couldn’t decide to try to help her/choose her and anyone she allied with or anyone else who happened to be genuinely kind enough to him to matter, over the Entity. And Charlotte would still have to confront her real brother’s death and I’m sure the deception would be awful, but as something treated like she was created to be a monster her whole life, I think she’d have empathy for something created for that exact purpose that just wanted to love her and have a family and a normal life and be better than what people said, and I think they could be the start of a real sweet found family together.

Can’t decide which I like better though. Maaaybe two, because I’m such a sucker for any construct/robot/golem/clone/monster gains sentience/humanity/free will and self narratives. They’re just *chef kiss* SO good. :’-] But god, the epic showdown drama of #1. Especially with a This is the Bad Place evil grin of “Oh hell yes I am not Victor and I love this game I’ve been playing” mmm the mental cinematography. I keep trying to think of a way to just give him a really long redemption arc and do at least part of both, but they may work better as separate interpretations. Mmmm. 🤔 I’ll keep in it.

Anyway! That’s my thoughts on the twins. As for Élodie, since she super lets David just die and doesn’t kick the little one off him, I’m gonna assume that while she has a lot of knowledge and experience with risky cult stuff, she’s not been in many actual high-pressure-high-danger situations, and has a really hard time adjusting initially. Probably watching her family get taken and having just been stabbed for the first time and almost died right before being taken, the initial PTSD trauma threshold is even higher than for most of them, and she’s super miserable. But I expect after a while, especially with all the survivors there with experience and empathy, she is able to hit a stride and get a little more practice and courage and comfort, and it gets easier. And when she breaks out of the freeze response to fight/flight/freeze, she gets very invested in the heavy research team stuff with Tapp/Claudette/Dwight/Zarina/Adam/Jane/Quentin/Cheryl/Felix, and is an invaluable contribution. I expect reuniting with Felix is awkward af, especially since while I have no idea if he blames her for the loss of his parents, I am sure she would assume he does, and probably she feels immense guilt for all of it. I don t he does though, or that if he does, he wouldn’t get over it pretty fast after watching how much she’s suffering. And I think after he reached out, they’d bond really well over their shared history and trauma, and it’d be really good emotionally for both of them. I have always HC’d since she’s from Montreal, Claudette speaks French too, so I think Élodie and she would get along well too, and enjoy being able to chat in a second language. And probably all the researchers would vibe pretty well with her. I think also if she had a really hard time initially adjusting, the specifically protective survivors (David, Tapp, Bill, Kate, Yui, Quentin, Zarina) would absolutely be all over trying to help her in trials and help her make it over the learning curves. Also, all the survivors attracted to ladies would think she’s hot (Sans Felix, who is a good man who’d never cheat on his wife, and Nancy, who I think is the only other one w a s/o back home?Kinda Quentin I guess but I mean like, a steady. And not the people more than twenty years her senior [Ace Ash Tapp Bill] bc they got boundaries. But still.) And I am sure Meg, Nea, and Feng in particular are living their best lives because have you seen her? Overall, I think she loosens up and has a good sense of humor and makes friends pretty well, although she can also snap to laser-focus on a subject with 0 warning and does, but it’s kinda awesome to watch.

[sorenwix]

Rosie’s Birth Story

To describe Rosie’s birth story with the full context we need to go back a few years.

Labor never really kicked in with Jasko, our son who was born 4.5 years ago. We had visions and plans of a dreamy at-home birth. Both of my sisters had avoided hospitals during their deliveries and I figured I’d follow suit. Then I ended up laboring at home for 20 hours, then in the hospital for another 20 hours, and then they cut Jasko out with a c-section. In hindsite, I think my body did me a favor by never really “opening up” to deliver him through the tunnel: he came out 10lbs 3 oz with a head the shape of a cube.

We grew to like the hospital; indeed rather enjoy it. It felt like a bizarre cruise, where they bring you room service and medications at regular intervals.

Fast forward four years. As we were getting ready for baby #2, I assumed a c-section would be the deal. I had a story that my body just wasn’t going to kick in or open up for a vaginal delivery. I was almost looking forward to it: plug me into an epidural and get the baby out all civilized while I listen to some meditation soundtrack on my noise-cancelling headsets. There were a couple other factors going into the birth:

•Our new insurance, which had a much lower deductible, started on 1/1.

•The due date of the baby was 1/1. We loved the date (the first day of the decade!) but the hospital wouldn’t schedule a c-section on a holiday (New Year’s Day).

•We lined up acupuncture on the 31st to give my body a chance to go into labor, thinking that if we show up at the hospital in labor on the first, they then had to deal with my body.

• We scheduled a c-section on 1/2. So headed into New Years week we knew that one way or another we’d have a new human in our lives by the end of the week.

Ok. Now the story.

12/31

4pm. Acupuncture appointment begins.

4:45pm. Acupuncture appointment ends. She advises me to go home and rest up, going on my hands and knees for 15 minutes to get the baby centered, then take a nap.

5:15pm. I swing by Trader Joe’s to pick up a few things. The checkout person asks if I have any fun plans for the evening. I reply, “Have a baby.” Her eyes get wide, she glances down at my giant tummy, then looks up again and she wishes me luck.

5:30pm. Home. Go on hands and knees for 20 min.

6pm. Lay down on my side. Discomfort. Flip over. More discomfort. Realize this might be a contraction. It’s mild, but something more intense than a Braxton Hicks is brewing. I download a contraction tracking app.

7pm. We walk next door to the neighbor’s New Year’s Eve party. Lots of kids and friends from the neighborhood. While chit chatting, I subtly track contractions. Things are happening but I’m not sure if it is “real” and want data. I’m so grateful for the distraction of talking to people and watching the kids’ antics and the NY ball drop.

9:30pm. Home. Don’t want to be “that girl” that shows up at the hospital too early. Also don’t want to show up before our insurance kicks in. But call the hospital’s midwife on duty to give a courtesy heads up that things seem to be progressing. The contractions are steadily picking up in terms of duration and intensity. I’m starting to feel less control over my body and more like I’m latched into a roller coaster.

11pm. Tell Gene it feels like “go time” and to ask Nancy (his mother, who would take care of Jasko while we were busy with baby) to come over.

11:35pm. Nancy arrives.

11:45pm. I crawl into the car. It’s too painful to sit in the seat so I kneel facing backwards on the passenger seat. Gene drive the streets carefully with his hand on my calf. Speed bumps feel terrible. I am distantly aware of the booms of fireworks beginning to explode throughout town.

11:59pm. We pull into the emergency entrance of the hospital. Gene almost goes to park and I snarl at him between guttural groans to get me as close to the door as possible.

12:01am. We walk/hobble in. I sit down in a wheelchair. My water breaks. It feels like a dramatic gush of water that floods the entry (probably in real life it was more like a little splat). I apologize to the front desk people for making a mess. I get wheeled away and hear cheers from the front desk that I might have the first baby of the new year. I’m dimly aware of explosions of light through the glass as I get raced through the corridor.

12:03am. I think the best description of the next chapter would be “Tarzan Yodels” echoing off the mostly empty hallways. We are flying so fast in the wheelchair. I am so impressed with Gene’s speed and care and knowledge of the layout of the hospital. I look back in the elevator and in the middle of contractions and realize it’s a hospital person. Gene is following at a trot with my bag.

12:07am. We check in with the midwife. I mumble something about being in labor and how they can start the c-section whenever they’re ready. They measure me in some awkward position (only hands and knees and maybe my side felt ok) and I’m at 8cm. They raise an eyebrow and Gene says we are open to a v-bac if that was in the cards.

I lose track of time at this point.

They wheel me into a labor room.

I ride through a couple more contractions like a roller coaster. My Tarzan Yodels pick up an octave and get even louder.

I squeeze out a poop. A few more. I feel like a goat at the petting zoo we saw a couple nights prior. I have very little control of my body.

They set up a bar and I’m able to squat while holding onto the bar. The midwife, Polly, is cool and calm and warm and firm. She’s right at the foot of my bed, like a captain of my berthing ship. A doula, Rachel, is on my right giving me sips of water. She puts cool washcloths on my forehead. Gene is on my left.

At one point I exclaim, “This is just like in the movies,” and the room laughs.

The midwife suggests I go on my back, open my knees, hold a sheet, and push. I tell her to go to hell. Then comply.

I still have it in my head that we are going to have a c-section.

The midwife says, “I saw the head pushing against your tissue during that last contraction.”

I still don’t believe it.

A few contractions later I ask, “Am I really having a baby here? Is this what’s called ‘pushing’?” The room laughs.

I’m starting to understand that I can push this baby out. I’m starting to get tired. They can tell my tempo and focus is slowing down. She says, “If we can’t get through this together, there is a doctor who has a vacuum. That could be a next step.”

I reply, “Can you pull it out?”

Someone responds, “Babies don’t come with handles.”

I don’t know if they are trying to mentally psych me up or not, but it works; I really don’t want a shop-vac baby.

The next few pushes I feel myself going into that place I know before a big athletic event or endeavor. “Here we go team. I got this. We got this.”

It is like being latched into a roller coaster ride, going up and down with waves of contractions.

On one, someone says, “Use it.”

With their direction, I hold my breath, count to 8 while pushing instead of groaning. Then take a tiny breath, hold my breath again, count to 8 and push. Then a third time. A couple times I manage a fourth push within the contraction.

They can see the head. Gene can see the head of our baby.

It was like pushing out a giant poop. I say I am scared of tearing and someone puts a hot cloth down there to ease the tissue.

A few times later, feeling like it is now or never, I gather myself. Someone says, “Use it.” I say, “Let’s do this,” and gather my energy.

BOOM: Defying all notions of geometry, and yet adhering to what women all over the world do each day, our baby’s head and 7lb 5oz body squeezed out of my body at 1:22am on 1/1/2020. Go team.

Someone exclaims, “It’s a girl!” We have a baby girl.

The next part is what they don’t include in the movies. Probably for good reason. The chattering and freezing sensation as my body recalibrated. My stuck placenta that warranted a trip to the operating room with a spinal tap, placenta scraping, lots of blood loss, and more chattering teeth/hot sheets. By 7am we were in the recovery unit, with the sun rising and Gene, me, and Baby snoozing.

Thank you to Midwife Polly, Doula Rachel, Dr. Carroll, the amazing nurses, and the fleet of caregivers and room service providers who took care of us during our 2-day, 1-night stay at the Providence hospital on Glisan.

We’re now home. Rosie is eating and sleeping like a champ. Big Brother Jasko is building nests and supplying stuffies. I’m entering the “Every part of my body is leaking” and “I feel like a human napkin” part of parenting a newborn. Gene is his usual steady, strong, supportive self. Nancy is our amazing 3rd parent. And Gene and I are basking in the glow of love from our amazing community; we feel like the luckiest people in the world as we transition to a family of four.

[darkling-er]

Malcolm Callum | The False Prophet

Full name: Malcolm Jonathan Callum

Nicknames: Mal , Callum , Mijo ( his family ) , Jonathan ( his granny when he misbehaved )

Birthday: October 29, 1987 (Age 30)

Sexuality: Heterosexual

MBTI: INFJ

Family: Sophia Isabella Sanchez ( grandmother ) , Olivia Grace Sanchez ( mother ✝ ) , Mia Chloe Sanchez ( aunt ) , Ethan Callum ( father ✝ ) , Saoirse Elizabeth Callum ( sister ) , Riley Keira Sanchez ( cousin )

Height: 6′ 3⁄64 inch  | 183cm

Side: Cult / Neutral / Leader of the Resistance ( he’s confused )

John’s tattoos: soon

Location: Hope County

Occupation: field medic ( formerly ) / junior deputy

Hobbies: gardening , crafting , playing the cello , playing the violin , reading , painting , pumpkin carving

Background / Pre-Cult: Malcolm was born in San Antonio, in Texas. His parents travelled around the world thanks to their job, so he didn’t actually see them that much in his younger age. He lived with his grandmother and his aunt in New Orleans. Then two years after he was born his parents brought home another child, Malcolm’s sister Saoirse. He was raised by his grandmother, Sophia and his aunt, Mia, surrounded by women. He loved his family, but he hated his father. He didn’t care much when Ethan died in a plane crash. But he grieved for his mother, Olivia. He was 15 at the time. Malcolm grew up in a religious family and he is a believer as well, though he doesn’t like what the church does everywhere around the world. He was a quiet kid in school and only had a little group of friends. He was a great student and he went to a medic school. After graduating he joined the military as an army surgeon. He was stationed in Iraq in 2014 and he left the army in 2017. When he came back to the USA he struggled with PTSD and wanted to move away from the loud and crowded New Orleans to a quiet place. So he became a deputy and moved to Montana, where he joined the Hope County Sheriff Department.

Thoughts about people in Hope County :

Earl Whitehorse: He respects Whitehorse, but he doesn’t have a very deep connection with him. He respects him as his boss and as a great man. But they don’t talk too much or more than necessary so he doesn’t know him.

Staci Pratt: He likes Staci, but his non-stopping tease gets to Malcolm. It reminds him of his time in the army and he doesn’t want to remember his time in the army. So thanks to his PTSD he didn’t like hanging around the man more than neccesary. Malcolm feels like he’s the one to blame, and probably Malcolm is the one that doesn’t understand the joke, so he feels bad about it. But at the same time he just wants to punch Staci in the face, so maybe than he would stop bugging him.

Joey Hudson: He is kind of afraid of Joey, he doesn’t know why he deserved to be treated like an unwanted dog, but she sure as hell didn’t want him at the station. He tried to be friends with her, but soon gave up, as he didn’t want to push the woman. He’s just confused...

Nancy: He doesn’t want to judge Nancy for what she did and he doesn’t think it’s his place to decide she is actually responsible for anything that’s happened at the night of the arrest. Mal thinks the woman probably did what her faith told her to do.

Dutch: Dutch reminds Malcolm of his general in the army. He doesn’t like that association and he doesn’t like to be reminded of his time in the military. Dutch’s demanding voice can be too much for Malcolm and on those times he just turns his radio off, going off the radar for a bit. But he’s thankful the man saved his life during the night of the arrest.

Jerome Jeffries: As a religious man he feels like a pastor shouldn’t encourage fighting. He has a respect for the man and he thinks of him as kind, but he just can’t accept that yet again, a man of religion is hippocratic.

Eli Palmer: He respects Eli for his work in the mountains and with the militia. Though he doesn’t like to be bossed around yet by another person, he still helps when asked.

Wheaty: Wheaty’s music isn’t his favourite and he finds the teenager a bit too loud but he enjoys his company when he’s in the Wolf’s Den.

Virgil: He really likes the man and Virgil reminds him of a cartoon figure. Sometimes he jokes to the kids at the Jail that Virgil is actually from a cartoon movie and he just escaped from the TV. He would also definitely wear his button and try to make Tracey wear one as well.

Tracey: Surprisingly he really likes Tracey, though at first he thought he wouldn’t like her. But with more and more time spent in the Henbane River and visiting the Jail he feels like Tracey started to go easy on him. Though he still refuses to blow up Joseph’s statue. He doesn’t want to do anything with explosions.

Sharky Boshaw: Malcolm is terrified of fire and explosions so he avoids Sharky as much as he can. Sure it must seem like fun for the others, that the piromaniac loves to kill Angels with his flamethrower, but Malcolm wants to be as far away from him as possible.

Grace Armstrong: The woman keeps talking about her experience in the war, expecting Malcolm to understand her as he was in the war too. But he doesn’t want to talk about the army, so he rather not hang out with Grace. Though he’s sure she’s a great and kind woman.

Jess Black: They’re not in good terms with each other, because Malcolm refuses to take out the Cook. Truth be told he’s afraid to approach a man who enjoys putting people on fire. Jess called him a coward and though it hurt his pride and he felt useless he still refused to help her out. They’re not on speaking terms.

Faith Seed: He doesn’t understand why people don’t like her. Sure, he can see the Resistance’s grudge against the Bliss and the Angels. But personally Malcolm sees the good in the girl and with every interaction of their he feels more close to her. And the Bliss is so relaxing, he feels free and peaceful in it. Even his pain leaves him when he’s near those white flowers.

John Seed: He doesn’t like the attention the younger Seed gave to him and he especially doesn’t like that John wants to get to know his past. Malcolm doesn’t want to speak of his past or his sins. But at the same time he feels close to the Baptist, hearing more and more about his past. It’s all too confusing for Malcolm and he’s not sure if he could have the chance he would kill John.

Jacob Seed: Weirdly enough Jacob is the least of his worries up in the mountains. Sure as hell, Malcolm is terrified of the Judges and he doesn’t like the Chosen either. And the Cook! He’s especially terrified of the Cook. But Malcolm sees Jacob as a broken man, just like him. The war left a mark on the eldest Seed and he feels like he understands him. Still he doesn’t appreciate being locked up and used as a tool with the music box. Yet he doesn’t hate Jacob.

Joseph Seed: Shocked to meet Joseph Seed after watching a video of the man gouging someone’s eyes out, he still felt strangely safe and calm around him in the church at the night of the arrest. He doesn’t know why or how but Joseph actually makes him wonder if the Resistance is right about fighting against them. Malcolm listened to a lot of Joseph’s sermons through the outpost radios and he thinks Joseph actually makes sense and he finds himself agreeing with him in a lot of topics. He doesn’t know what to do about these thoughts, and he doesn’t want to be a dissappointment for the Resistance, but still... Wouldn’t it be better to join the cult?

Special thoughts of my ocs:

Adam Roberts: He doesn’t understand why Adam has to be so grumpy all the time. But he still likes him and tries to be friends with him. Adam is a chill person and he’s quiet not like Sharky or Addie. So he appreciates the man’s company when his loneliness gets to him.

Rhea Jessop: He loves the girl and doesn’t understand why people don’t trust her. In his opinion she’s lovely and is very friendly. He would love to talk to her for hours, though it’s not quite possible.

Thomas Enderby: He would want to get really involved in the Enderby family, because he cares a lot about the kids. He’s curious to why Thomas joined the cult and left his family. When being in Faith’s region he would try and talk to the man if possible.

Tee Enderby: Malcolm loves kids, so he likes to hang out at the Hope County Jail a lot. Meaning he loves to hang out with Tee and watch him do tricks on the skate board with amazement. He would tell Tee funny stories about his family and childhood and would love to share his knowledge about poems, though he doesn’t know as mush as Tee.

Eve Enerby: Adorable! Eve reminds him of Riley, just with the opposite that Eve talks sooo much. But Malcolm enjoys her every rambles. Most of the time he feels like he’s the kid and Eve is the adult, with Malcolm listening to her stories like a child. He would definitely show her his pumpkin carving skills.

Sophia Isabella Sanchez: His grandmother brought him up and did an amazing job as well. Malcolm always thinks of his grandmother as his only parent and he respects her very deeply. She thought him all the things he knows, she made him the person he is today. He joked a lot with his sister and cousin and Sophia Mama is a lot like a strict governess. He loves her very deeply.

Olivia Grace Sanchez: He cried for his mother when she died in the plane crash. Even though they barely spent any time together, due to her and Ethan’s traveling, she was still loving towards Malcolm. He wishes they could have spent more time together though. Also he could never understand how a loving woman like his mother would ever be together with a feelingless monster like his father.

Mia Chloe Sanchez: Malcolm’s aunt is exactly like Sophia Mama. Only she’s more younger, so if needed she could chase him and his sister through miles and miles to hit them with her sandals if they misbehaved. She’s loud, she squeezes her niece’s and nephew’s face too much and loves to gossip. But that’s exactly why they love her.

Ethan Callum: His father was the worst in his family. Of course Sophia Mama and Aunt Mia hated him, but Malcolm’s mother loved him very much - a thing Malcolm will never understand. He refused to call him his father, only calling him Mr. Callum or Ethan. His father made it clear he didn’t like Malcolm, for a reason Malcolm still doesn’t know. But he doesn’t care either, Ethan is dead, so he doesn’t have to hear how dissappointed the man is in his son.

Saoirse Elizabeth Callum: His little sister often acted like she was the older one out of the two of them. Always protecting him from his stupid acts when they were in school. When Malcolm tried to do something that was against the rules - it was often - Saoirse was the one to stop him. She’s also a good listener and would always listen to Malcolm when they had issues with their parents, mostly their father.

Riley Keira Sanchez: He adores his cousin. He often thinks he’s her uncle, just because of the age difference, but it doesn’t really matter because they’re close and they love each other. He loves to carve pumpkins with the young girl or paint with her. Hang out aroun the bay of New Orleans, when he still lived there. He just loves kids and he would die for Riley if needed. He can speak with sign language perfectly so they don’t have any issues communicating.

Special thoughts of peoples’ ocs

.. @onl-you ‘s universe

Liza Evans: Malcolm enjoy’s Liza’s music and would ask her to play for him some melodies through the radio if he’s not around Holland Valley. He respects the young woman for her work in the county and her help to other people. He would also ask her permission to come over and hang out with Tommy if possible.

Tommy Evans: soon ( i want them to be bros, okay, they could carve pumpkins together and everything haha )

Emmanuel McAdams: When Emmanuel leaves his spying job with the cult Malcolm asks about the Project and about the peggies a lot of questions. He’s genuinely curious how the cultists live and doesn’t want to hear another resistance member’s “they’re monsters” talk. He would also ask about Emmanuel’s previous job a lot of questions, curious about a fireman’s live. He would like to keep Emmanuel close, being precatious about getting near any big fire.

Dylan Highmoore: He feels really connected with Dylan and thinks they’re somewhat similar as well. He enjoys his silent company and also loves to just talk to him about stuff. Family, life before the cult. Not the war though, Malcolm still rejects to talk about that, even with Dylan.

Joffrey Orwell: He likes the young boy and feels sorry about his injury. He tries to make Joffrey feel better saying that he once had a burning accident as well and his skin got better by the time, even though his skin didn’t get as badly as Joffrey’s. He also loves to look at Joffrey and Tee together in the Jail, happy for the two boys and absolutely fangirling over their relationship.

Na’eemah Tamman: He would turn to Na’eemah when he’s out of medication and ask for her help with his phantom pain. He wouldn’t trust anyone else with it, and if asked he wouldn’t tell too much, but would tell somewhat about his time in the army to the woman. He just feels like she’s a good listener and would be understanding. He trust her.

Iah Tamman: He feels sorry about Iah’s loss and understands Iah wants to get his revenge on the peggies. But Malcolm would rather talk about photography or anything else than go and fight against the cultists with Iah. Malcolm just wants peace okay?

Bill Taylor: He feels sorry about the boy’s situation when he finds him at the radar station. He would help him and his little animal out and get him to safety at a resistance outpost. He’s good with kids and teenagers so he would try to make friends with him, but also he wouldn’t push him too much.

Misha Annora: As ridiculous as it sounds but he’s scared of her. He knows when to not fuck with a woman and he got enough woman in his family to know Misha is just like them. He thinks she’s a badass and would enjoy when she scolds the others in the Wolf’s Den. But would also keep a great distance when that happens, because as said before, he’s scared of her.

???: soon

Trivia:

He’s half-mexican, half-irish thanks to his family. His dad was from Ireland, his mother’s side of the family from Mexico. So he knows spanish and irish as his family teached him. He also knows a bit of russian, but he says he probably couldn’t speak much in it other than saying his name and that he wants to rent a room.

Due to his cousin being mute he learned sign language to communicate with her.

Malcolm was a great medic student and for a while he thought he would become a surgeon but he rather joined the army.

He had an accident in the war, though it didn’t give him a permanent injury, he still feels a phantom pain in his left arm and side. He got burned in the explosion but he barely has any scars from it.

He only has one permanent scar, above his collar bone, a cross scar. It was because when he was caught up in the fire he wore a cross necklace and it burned his skin there.

He has PTSD and a phantom pain in his left arm and side due to his time in the war. He takes medication though that only made him addicted to pain killers and his hands are shakey, his palms are sweaty and he feels like suffocating if he tries to give up the medication. He wanted to visit a doctor because of his withdrawal symptoms, but he didn’t, because he feared he would be fired from his job because of that.

When he was a kid he wanted to be an astronaut. But he gave up on that dream when his father scolded him ‘that’s an idiotic dream’.

Malcolm loved and still loves Halloween and Día de Muertos. He loves the colorful holidays and as a kid he went trick or treating every year. And also in his later years, when he brought Riley with him. ( she didn’t want to go but did because she loved the look of excitement on Malcolm’s face )

He loves carving pumpkins and he’s really great at it too.

Mal is a fan of fantasy books and movies. His favourite book series is Harry Potter and his favourite movie is Pan's Labyrinth.

Even though Malcolm doesn’t have many friends he never hates anyone - expect his father - and would never hate anyone. As ridiculous as it sounds Malcolm likes peace and would rather be a hippie if he could be one, than spread hate in the world. “There’s enough hate already, let’s spread love instead.”

He feels really lonely in Hope County, and he thinks no one likes him, just because he doesn’t exactly hate the cult. He’s a fan of peace making, even though he knows neither side will want that.

Malcolm loves music, all kinds of, except metal or dupstep.

His favourite type of music is gospel, jazz and blues.

[wordsaremybestfriends]

Didn’t Ask For This: Chapter 1

Hi friends! This is the first time I have EVER posted on Tumblr, and the first time in about six years that I’ve ever posted online so I am half super excited and half extremely scared that the world might explode so that’s fun. Anyways, I freaking love Stranger Things, and I decided to write a Steve Harrington X OC story because this is how I cope with a shit ton of college work.

ANYways, I hope that you guys enjoy this story as much as I do, and don’t worry, because there’s a lot more on the way. Thanks for reading, and don’t be afraid to ask if you want to be tagged in it, or to tell me your thoughts, or to send me recipes for blueberry muffins because I accept all of those. Thanks for reading, and I hope you guys have fun with this as much as I had fun writing it!!!

Warnings: Cursing, Child Abuse, Vocal Abuse, if you find anything else, LET ME KNOW and i will tag it!!!!

REMINDER: Steve and Nancy had no previous relationship in this world because why not? 

Dustin Henderson was waiting in the living room, twiddling his fingers between his hands. It was fifteen minutes past when his older sister was supposed to be home from her job at the library, and he was as impatient as ever. Their mother had gone to bed long ago, but he couldn’t sleep, excitement filling his veins. The buzz of her old Vespa she fixed up last summer was nowhere, and the phone hadn’t rang all night. If she didn’t get home soon enough, Dustin was considering actually going out to look for her himself, just to save his anxious mind

Emma Henderson, five years his senior, was probably the smartest person Dustin knew, and if anyone could help him figure out what Dart was, it would be her. Besides being the most outspoken and educated one in the family, Emma was the most curious girl in the world. Whenever she wanted to know exactly how something worked, she’d just spend a day in her room, reading as much as she could, until she was close to an expert. To Dustin, she was a goddess of knowledge, one that helped him out with math homework and book reports without a second thought. Every teacher either loved her with all their heart, or wished they could have a muzzle in the classroom so she’d shut up during lessons, but Dustin loved her anyways. She had convinced their mother to buy him his first Dungeons and Dragons book, and listened to all of his ramblings. The only way to stop her was to put a book in her hands, and for a few hours, she’d be intensely focused and as silent as a cloudless night.

The biggest reason he loved her, however, was because of their father.

When their parents started to fight at night, she let Dustin creep into her bed, the screams too loud to sleep through. She’d wipe away his tears and let him fall asleep in her arms, listening to the quiet hums of songs that they would sing to. He’d tell her his fears, and she kept the secrets close to her heart, trying to reassure him as much as possible that everything was okay, even if she didn’t believe it. He was only five back then, Emma ten, almost eleven, and his childish ears should never have had to hear the aggravated yelling just down the hall.

She’d never say it, but she knew the reason her father was always angry at her mother was because of how much money her mother would spend on the books Emma wanted. Mrs. Henderson would order books about anything from physics to geography, to the complete works of William Shakespeare to keep her obsession satiated. Financially, the books never put a dent in their spendings. Mrs. Henderson worked hard, along with her husband, and she’d always set a little aside from each paycheck to get Dustin and Emma a book. Where Mrs. Henderson saw knowledge and importance in the passions of her children, Mr. Henderson saw a waste of money on children that would forget everything in just a few months. Women, to him, were mindless people only useful for cooking and fucking. Every time Emma had a new book in her hands, he’d grumble on and on about the useless woman that his daughter will turn out to be, one who doesn’t know how to keep a home or a man happy.

She could heard the words they’d throw around when they thought their children were asleep, words that left their mother sobbing and broken in the spare bedroom as her husband took the master. Emma tried to ignore them and focus on the studies of Einstein and Freud, but the bruises on her mother’s wrists and the way she held her ribs after a loud night were hard to ignore.

After a month or two of seeing her mother with a new bruise, or makeup caking her skin where he had hit her, her heart became bitter and cold. Her father was disgusting, evil, a cockroach in their house that she wanted to squash with all her might. She had read the books about parenting and relationships from the library. It was unhealthy, the way he was treating her, and she couldn’t stand by anymore. The storybooks her mother read to her when she was younger said that married people were supposed to be in love, and parents were supposed to be happy, not hurting each other with words like ‘fat whore’ and ‘useless scammer’.

Which was precisely why Emma began to fight back.

Her mother never noticed as she began to grow more and more obnoxious, the torment slowly flowing from her mother back to her. Sometimes, it was accidentally talking too long about something she had researched that day, watching her father’s face grow a dark scarlet color. She didn’t miss the way he gripped her knee, as if he wanted to crush it within his calloused and rough hands. Sometimes, it was directly asking him smartass questions, like how much alcohol cost, and why he drank so much of it if it was so expensive. He’d clench his jaw, eyes narrowed and squeeze underneath her arm to leave a dark purple bruise that forced tears to spring to her eyes and let out a breathy gasp of pain, quiet enough so her mother wouldn’t notice. The punishments weren’t always painful. Sometimes it was no dinner that night. Sometimes it was getting her books taken away. The memory of her father burning her copy of ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ still shook her to her core, but she never regret her antics.  

The riskiest things she did, though, was wander into her parents’ room a few times when she heard the arguing begin. She’d have her nose in a book, and take slow steps through the door, eyes trained on a single word. Her father would fall into a restless silence as she walked up to her mother lazily, feigning innocence of the situation at hand. She’d give her mother a sweet smile, skinny fingers pointing to a single word that she ‘didn’t understand, Mommy’. Her mother, desperate to keep her husband at bay for just the night, would never hesitate to help her, even going so far to pull out a dictionary she had shoved in the bookshelf in their room, taking her dear sweet time to help her daughter understand.

Those were the times her father left the bedroom and waited in the hallway, veins popping from his neck. When she finally left the room, he wouldn’t waste a second to grab her by her jaw, squeezing as hard as he could as he hissed threats at her. She could still remember the stench of scotch on her father’s tongue, the way his spit would splatter against her face as he told her words she couldn’t quite forget. You little shit know not to interrupt your mother and I when we’re having a conversation. This is why no one wants you. This is why no one loves you. This is why you’ll die alone, because of your loud mouth and stupid brain.

He’d always finish his torment with a slap to her cheek, hard enough to knock her over a few feet, and stalk back to his room, heartbeat slowly beginning to calm down. The pain hurt like hell, the sting unrelenting, but at least for that night, she didn’t hear them yelling at each other anymore.

A month of hiding tiny bruises from her friends at school, and Emma knew she was slowly fixing the problem. Her mother’s bruises began to disappear and the tone her father used to address her was softer, slightly kinder than what it once was. She would take a million slaps, a million punches, a million nights with no dinner, anything to keep the rest of her family safe. Dustin and her mother meant more to her than the entire world, and if she was able to stop their pain, then she was doing something worthwhile.

But the explosion, the climax of her father’s anguish, was one of the worst nights of her life.

September 5th, a date Emma had burned into her mind, and it started off simple. Her father came home drunk, and when he was drunk, he’d get sleepy. When he was sleepy, he wouldn’t hurt anyone anymore. Sometimes, he got angry, and those were the times she told Dustin to go play in his room instead of in the living room, and she’d grunt and grit her teeth and take her father’s hatred instead of her mother.

Except that night, she was too busy reading to hear her father come home.

Her eyes were magnetized to a copy of Pride and Prejudice, when she heard a scream come from downstairs, her entire body going numb. The scream did not belong to her mother, but rather, her baby brother, only six years old and unaware of the problems that lay under the surface of her parents’ relationship. She dropped the book, bolting down the stairs to see her father standing over her little brother, a side of his face burned bright red from the powerful slap of his. Their mother was nowhere to be found, when Emma remembered it was a Wednesday, and she worked until 5 on Wednesdays.

And it was only 4:55.

“Stop!” She screamed at her father, his inferno of a gaze aimed straight back at Emma. He was still wearing his work boots, a steel-toed cowboy pair one since he worked on the farms, and she saw how close it’s threatening step was to her little brother’s arm. “Don’t hurt him!”

“God damn you little bitch!” He shouted at her as Dustin scrambled to get back up, pudgy body narrowly missing her father’s touch. “When will you learn that women need to be seen, and not heard!”

“If you want to hit someone,” She replied, eyes wide and serious as she stared her father down, fists clenched at her sides. Dustin shook underneath him, tracks of silent tears dripping down his face as he fought to hold back sobs. “Go and hit me instead.”

She could see Dustin beside her, and as slyly as she could, she’d let her eyes flick to the door rapidly. If he could get away, be safe for one more day, then she wouldn’t mind a single bruise that came to her. Their father was slowly approaching her as Dustin slipped away, chubby fingers slowly pulling down the lock and opening the door. His bare feet against the stone walkway of their house was music to Emma’s ears.  

Her father stood within an arms length of her, eyes narrowed and smirk upon his booze-laced lips. His cast-iron hand reached behind her, grabbing ahold of her ponytail as he tugged her face to keep her eyes forced on him.

“You think you’re some kind of saint, makin’ me hurt you instead of your mother?” He spat at her, twisting her hair tighter against her scalp. She fought to keep her hands down. It was always worse if she fought back.

With arms wide around as Emma’s entire neck, her father shoved her against the floor, head smacking against the wall. She shut her eyes tight as he pressed her shoulder back, flattening her to the ground as he stood over her, a looming spectre of anger.

“I’ll make sure you never disobey me again!” He roared against her face, letting a punch land straight against her stomach. Her entire body jolted, seizing up as he pushed one of her arms down against the floor, his steel toed boot landing straight on it with a sickening crunch and pop.

Emma couldn’t help but scream, the overwhelming sensation of pain filling her entire body. She popped her eyes open, staring straight at her father’s blackened eyes, face contorting into a beast rather than a demon. He was scarlet with anger, spit falling from his lips and hair falling into his eyes. It was a horrid look, one that Emma would see in her nightmares for years to come.

She felt him punch her again, skull bouncing off the ground. The flicker of her eyes going shut was inescapable as everything melted into black.   

Only moments later had the front door burst open and the neighbors that Dustin had ran to grab instantly sprinted to pull their father off of Emma. They held him down as the sirens of a police car and an ambulance began to fade in from down the street.

She woke up in the hospital a day later, cast on her arm and ears ringing. The way her entire head buzzed was frustrating and apparently because she had a concussion from her father. Her mother promised she’d never let anything happen to them again, and after a few more days, she was released and night still fell, and the sun still rose. The story seeped around town, everyone suddenly aware of the monster of Mr. Henderson, now in jail for assault, but no one spoke about the broken girl that had taken his anger for months and months.

The general population of Hawkins that were aware of Emma’s story always speculated that it was her father’s fault she had turned into an icy shell of the girl she once was. She was stubborn with teachers when she dared to defy them, and had been sent to the principal’s office more than once for cursing at them in class. Nancy was one of the few friends she kept, since it was easier to talk to someone who you had grown up with instead of someone who had just read in the paper about her father’s arrest.

For the most part, she kept her conversations short and voice tight. She wouldn’t hesitate to call you out on bullshit and point out just how wrong someone was, even if it was a teacher. Her ears were always open, and for some reason, she slowly became one of the top people for advice amongst her peers, just because of how intelligent she was. She’d hide in her books, and if you dared to disturb her, you’d be in for a twenty second rant about why you should never disrupt a girl that was busy. The once warm girl turned stone cold to most, and it was almost a death sentence if you tried to be rude to her.

But then, were moments where she broke. Some nights she’d wake up in a frenzy from her nightmares with tears running down her face as the vision of her father’s face only inches above her shocked her to her core. Sometimes, she’d sit by herself, unable to break the constant replay of her father’s words in her head. She would never admit it, but it was so hard to believe herself and not the voice in her head of her father. Dustin was the only one she let in, the only one that she’d ever let know exactly what was going on in her head. He listened as she cried, he told her in extreme detail how much he loved her, hell, he sometimes just gave up time with his friends to sit and be with her. He’d hold her hands when they’d shake. He’d tug on her jacket when he knew she was getting upset, and take her away. He’d do all he could to keep her happy.

They were siblings that would give up their own happiness, their own health, their own life to save the other. And they would never let that bond break them.

TAGGED: @lillie-writes

[stereogeekspodcast]

[Transcript] Season 2, Episode 1. Stereo Geeks Special: Previewing YTV's The Hardy Boys

In this Stereo Geeks Special, we preview the first two episodes of YTV's Hardy Boys. The first season of the show is already available on Hulu, but it's airing weekly in Canada on YTV. What is it about? What did we think about the initial episodes?

Since we found ourselves comparing the show to Netflix's Locke & Key, check out Ron's recaps of the show on Show Snob.

Listen to the episode on Anchor.

[Continuum by Audionautix plays]

Ron: Welcome to our Stereo Geeks Special! In this episode we’ll be previewing YTV’s The Hardy Boys. I’m Ron.

Mon: And I’m Mon.

Ron: This show, adapted from the famous book series, dropped its first season on Hulu in December 2020. But here in Canada, the show has only just debuted.

Mon: We hadn’t heard about this show till the press release and screeners landed in our inboxes. I do wonder why the promotion for this show has been so under the radar.  It’s quite similar to how the Nancy Drew adaptation also made its way to screens, but with almost zero hype.

Ron: Well, Corus sent us the first two episodes to preview. So here we are. The story follows Frank and Joe Hardy, played by Rohan Campbell and Alexander Elliot, as they deal with their mother's death, while also secretly investigating who killed her. This is definitely not The Hardy Boys of our childhood.

Mon: There have been some significant changes made to the characters. For one, there is a four-year age difference between Frank and Joe, whereas in the books it's consistently been just a year. Their mom, from being a librarian, is now a journalist. Their dad, Fenton Hardy, played by James Tupper, works with the police force as a detective. But once they moved to Bridgeport, which is his hometown, as well as his wife Laura's hometown, he turns into a private detective. He appears to be investigating the cause of his wife's death, which involves some treasure hunting, some secret mystery that we don't know about. Does he have a license in Bridgeport? Who knows?

There are a lot of characters who have been adapted from the books to the screen. So, we have their friends, Chet, Biff, Callie. They also have their aunt, Gertrude. Everyone is slightly different from what we expected in the books. Chet in the books was always written as a plus-size character but somehow here, he's not. I like the fact that Biff was a boy in the books but here she is a girl, and that too, she is a girl of color, and her mom is a cop in Bridgeport. Tthere are a few changes which are weird. Why is Aunt Gertrude so young? Just like the actor's ages. James Tupper, who plays Fenton Hardy, and is supposed to be Gertrude’s older brother, is 25 years older than the actor playing Gertrude. Let that sink in. Especially since in the books, Gertrude is Fenton’s older sister. It also makes it a little bit weird that Aunt Gertrude is being played by an actress who is only seven years older than the actor playing Frank Hardy. I mean, it just looks weird. And we haven't even got to the story yet.

Ron: A lot happens in the first episode. We’re introduced to the family dynamic. Obviously, Laura is very close to her sons. Closer somewhat to Frank than to Joe? The younger boy seems to be left behind a lot. The focus very much is on Frank's baseball, Frank's game playing, Frank and Laura. That's central to the story. Fenton kind of flips in and out. I guess, because he's a cop, he's busy all the time. It seems to be that Laura used to be a journalist but for the last couple of years she hasn't been doing any writing. As we find out in the second episode, she was apparently still doing her work. She was doing it in secret and away from her family. We presume that the rest of the season will explain why that was.

But then the first episode also has another plot point. And that is of a ship called the Astghik, which is attacked, blown up. Somebody escapes, but they've also found some kind of treasure. What does that have to do with Laura, her death? Who are these people who attacked the board? What is their connection to the Hardys? There's a lot of setup. I feel like the first episode didn't have to bring that in at all. Since the first episode was setting up the dynamic of the Hardy family, and was showing how Laura's death was going to impact them, that should have been the only story. Bringing in the mystery kinda muddy the waters a little bit.

Especially because we kind of go back and forth a little bit, right at the start, between the Hardy family and the ship incident. But then once Laura's death happens, the ship is completely forgotten till much later. While I was watching it, I was literally like, oh, hang on, what happened to that ship? And then suddenly, somebody was talking about it. And by the end of that episode, we figure out that there's actually a connection. It may have been an editing thing, but I feel like story wise, the narrative just didn't flow.

Mon: Here's the thing. What do we know about the Hardy Boys? We know that they are amateur sleuths. That's where this show should have started. By kicking off the show with the kids playing video games, with Laura being this fun mom, with the focus on Frank's baseball, with Joe being bullied, when is the sleuthing? And then you go into Laura's death, but instead of focusing on the kids’ grief, suddenly they are upped and offed to a whole new town. We are introduced to a whole new bunch of characters, and we have the setup for the mystery. Why does it have to be so convoluted?

I understand the need to put characters first. You want people to become attached to them, to relate to them, especially if your audience is likely to be of a varied age range. But when you're adapting something which is so famous, and when it has just one core feature, that of being young amateur detectives, then why make it so complicated? Why make it so intense? Where's the fun in this?

Ron: The opening scene actually feels a lot more fun than I expected it to be. There's this really sweet, fun-loving dynamic between Laura and her children. Well, Laura and Frank, more than Joe. They seem to be teasing him more than anything else. But then it kind of gets derailed, because obviously there's a death, there's a funeral, there's grief. But it all seems like somebody is going through a checklist, ticking things off as the episode is progressing. I don't think it needed to be like that.

And you made a really good point about the fact that Frank and Joe are supposed to be sleuths. At the end of the first episode when they’re like, we need to investigate what happened to our mom, I'm like, why? Your dad is on the case; why do you need to get involved at all? Just try and adapt to the whole new place that you’re living in. You’ve just moved to Bridgeport; you've lost your mom; you’re making new friends. It's a lot! You don't need to take this on. The good thing is that the friends that they have are very into it. They immediately want to help them; they want to investigate. They ended up, in the second episode, being in a little bit of danger because of the investigation. But it's a good thing that we're seeing a support system around these two.

Mon: Honestly, my favorite part of the first two episodes was the bit in the hotel in the second episode when they're trying to get some information about the mystery that they're solving. The way the entire crew work together, how intelligent and smart they are, the work like a well-oiled machine, even though they've just met. And I enjoyed that. That's kind of the fun aspect that we were looking for when we heard about this show.

Ron: And that's actually what made The Hardy Boys books so much fun to read. Of course, in the books, it was really just Frank and Joe; their friends used to come in and out. But here, I feel like there's a lot more room for them to have a group around them. Having seen the first two episodes, I kind of wish that it had only been set in Bridgeport, that there wasn't, you know, the whole moving to another town scenario. Because that scene in the hotel, it really works and it was fun. I would have loved for that to have been introduced in the first episode. That we see that this group is already working together so well. They know how to do these investigations, and it doesn't have to be something huge like their mom’s death. It can be something smaller, but you can see that they're working together as a team. On the other hand, let us gradually move towards that. The fact that these guys just met, and they’re already working so well, it doesn't quite fit. Mon: You and I, we grew up reading Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys, and seeing these shows adapted into rather dark and intense series for, I guess, younger audiences, I feel like the message is lost. And the message is simply that kids like role-playing. Kids are smart; they like having a little bit of fun. And if they're solving some mysteries on the side, what's so bad about that?

Ron: But I think that all the mysteries on the side should have been the main thrust, because that's what made these books so much fun to read. Nancy Drew and The Hardy Boys, their stories were all about their little investigations. Everything else that happened around it was part of the investigation or fueled their information or their knowledge. This is going the opposite way. And I feel like they're just adding darkness, for the sake of it. In The Hardy Boys books, their mom has already passed away, a long time ago. They've learned to adapt to life with just their father and their aunt. That could have been a starting point to this series, as well. And it would have been nice to see a father bringing up his children on his own; it’s still something we don't see, and it would have been nice to avoid the dead mom trope. I'm honestly a little bit surprised that we’re still getting TV shows about it. That's what I liked about Locke & Key. Of course, that was based on a comic book series. But over there, it's the father who's passed away, and it’s the mom who is trying to cope, and she's kind of struggling a little bit. But at least there was that subversion. Here, not only do you have the dead mom trope, you have the absent father trope, so the aunt has to step in. And she's like, super young and not able to do this job because it's not her job to do. Two episodes in and we still don't know what Aunt Trudy does for a living, though. So yeah, it's feeling a bit tropey.

Mon: It's funny you mentioned Locke & Key because I got a lot of Locke & Key vibes from this show. It has a lot of similar beats, be it the family moving from one town to their hometown, discovering all these new places, reuniting with a long-lost relative, some family wealth spoken of, meeting new friends, discovering mysteries, and stuff. It was so derivative. And I don't mean derivative of just Locke & Key. I mean, in general.

Anytime you're dealing with a series or a film which has kids dealing with the death of a parent, it always falls into the same category of events. They're whisked away from the environment that they know and then, instead of grieving, suddenly they're investigating stuff or they're very good at compartmentalizing what just happened to them. I guess I just wanted something a little bit more original. And so far, two episodes in, the most interesting fact is that, yeah, we have a more diverse cast among the friends, but that's it.

Ron: So there appear to be a few mysteries happening, and I'm guessing that they are interconnected. The ship incident in the first episode has some vague connection to the plane incident in the second episode, in the sense that the same man was involved in both. In the first, he was killing the ship captain. In the second episode, the treasure that the man had stolen was stolen from him. So, there's a connection there which is interesting. But it's kind of a stretch of the imagination that both those events would somehow be connected to Frank and Joe Hardy.

In the second episode, we see that the man who stole the treasure and jumped off a plane lands up randomly in Bridgeport, on the beach and is found by Joe's friend, Biff, who then Joe helps out. My suspension of disbelief can only be suspended so far.

Mon: In general, I think the whole Joe Hardy-Biff Hopper thing just isn't working for me. I mean, they're trying to do the whole-antagonistic-relationship but become-best-friends kind of thing, that's not working anyway. And then these two kids sort of being involved with this strange man who's stealing people's treasure? I’m just not comfortable. At least Frank, when he's on his investigations, he has three to four people with him. And Joe and Biff are little kids, they should be at home.

Also, this being the summer, none of them have school. So, what exactly was Fenton thinking? They have nothing to occupy their minds, and no adult supervision. Fenton’s run off on his investigation, the grandmother, obviously has some kind of hate for the Hardy family, except for Frank. I don't know why. And Gertrude, I guess, actually has a life, though we don’t know what she does with it. So, what are these two kids doing? This is family negligence!

Ron: Also, I feel like now that Joe is here in Bridgeport, whatever growth that Biff was probably looking forward to is not happening. She doesn't do anything. She's literally been shunted out of her own story. That's kind of annoying.

Mon: It's bad enough that we only have two female characters, at the moment, among the friends’ groups. But I also feel like it's so obvious that they're being touted as love interests. First of all, I really hope we don't have any romantic storyline for the little kids because nobody needs that. And even with Callie Shaw, I mean, we know that in the books, Callie and Frank do have a relationship but who wants that? We really want them to be fleshed out as characters with their own interests and their own skills.

Ron: Especially since we know that Frank had a girlfriend for a while back in his hometown. And for him to have another girlfriend, so soon after losing his mom and his former life, it'd just be odd. And so far, it seems like in Frank's friends’ group, everybody has a skill and Callie is ‘the girl’. What is her skill exactly? We don't know that yet. We need more for Callie and Biff before they become love interests. Is this show going to give us that? I know we're only two episodes in but considering that this first season is only 13 episodes, I don't think that's enough time.

Mon: And this show has a lot of characters. Just around the main cast, we have four members of the Hardy family, plus the grandmom. Frank's friends include Chet, Phil, and Callie. Joe’s friends with Beth, who also has her mom, Officer Hooper. And then there're all the bad guys. It's a lot of people. How much screen time are they going to get? How much growth are they going to get? Who's going to be sacrificed along the way?

And these aren't like short episodes either; they're 45 minutes long. There's a lot going in there, and still I felt like the first episode—despite having so much in there—was very, very slow paced. The second one definitely picked up, but it still had the issue of being overly convoluted by going back and forth and trying very hard to show us all this family drama, when it's kind of obvious that they prefer the mystery.

Ron: There are a few things that I enjoyed. In the first episode we see Laura and Frank have a conversation about peoples tells. And in the second episode that actually helps Frank interrogate a suspect. Of course, the issue with that scene was that Callie kind of became a bystander. So yeah, there's goods and bads.

I am curious to know why Joe is so cynical. In the first episode, we see during the funeral for Laura, Joe doesn’t actually want to talk to any of the funeral goers because he thinks they're all here for “the show” and not because they actually cared for their mom. Where is a 12-year-old coming with this? How does he feel like this already? I was kind of hoping that the second episode would explain something, but it goes full-on sleuth version of Joe, and we didn’t get to find out his inner life.

I think my issue with the first and second episode was that there were moments in the pilot where Frank and Joe did try and process their grief, whereas the second episode it feels like they’re overcome some amount of their grief. But it's not possible, the timeframe is too short.

And also, let's not forget some really scary stuff is happening with Joe. In the opening episode he gets nabbed at knifepoint by a very scary man. He's eventually rescued, but that's traumatic. And this is shortly after his mother's funeral. That's two different kinds of trauma happening to a very small boy. And in the second episode, the man who he’s helping breaks into his room. It's just creepy! Why aren’t we dealing with this? I don't care if the series is set in the 90s it's still pretty creepy.

Mon: And Joe doesn't react. He doesn't react at all. Is he emotionless? Is he numb? What's going on? Because we don't know these characters from before their mother's death, we don't understand them after.

Ron: We have one emotional outburst from Joe, that's at the scene of their mother's death. So first of all, why did Fenton take them there? And he leaves them alone when he goes to check out what happened. That doesn't make any sense, why would you do that? You would hang on to your children, you just lost their mother! Fenton does not seem like a good character, and I'm actually wondering whether they’re leaning into Fenton is a bad person.

Like, he literally tells them that they're moving to Bridgeport, on the day of Laura's funeral. Who does that? I don't get it.

Mon: Just prior to Laura's death, she has a conversation with Fenton about how he needs to be careful because she literally cannot take care of the kids on her own. I honestly think the foreshadowing was completely incorrectly done there, because Fenton’s the one who's been a negligent father.

And they don't have to even say it in words, you can get from how he's behaving that he does not want any responsibility for these kids, his own kids.

Ron: Fenton has hardly had, what, three scenes with the children? And all of them were after Laura's death. We have no idea how he and the children actually react to each other. We see Frank and Joe breaking into his suitcase to find out information; he figures out that they've done that, but he kinda just lets them go. And he's like, ‘Oh, don't do this again’. And that's just before he's going off to a foreign country to investigate Laura's death. This is not good parenting.

Mon: The show has outlined Fenton and Laura as such: Fenton is a good cop; Laura is a good mother.

Ron: I think if the angle for the first season is that Frank and Joe are going to investigate their mom's death, then we need to know how this family worked before she died. We don't see Fenton in the first episode till well after a lot of the events have happened; why should we care about this person?

And even when, in the second episode, he calls Joe and Frank from his investigation, he has a short conversation with Joe, but he wants to talk to Frank. He doesn't ask them how they're feeling, how they're doing what they do. He just wants to find out from Frank if Frank knew that Laura was actually still working; and she had something to do with this huge case and maybe that's why she got killed. Dude, you have one phone call to make, this is what you talk about?

Again, you can’t help but compare it to Locke & Key. In that series, Nina is not a very good mom; she struggled with alcoholism before; she has taken her husband's death very badly. She is sometimes absent, but she’s really trying to be there for them. Fenton is the antithesis of what Nina is trying to do in that show. It's really making me struggle with this character, and it's taking me away from the show, actually.

Mon: We were so annoyed with how Quentin has been portrayed that honestly, it is hard to be invested in this character at all. And I guess that's why we keep comparing it to Locke & Key which also has its problems—the source material, we definitely had a lot of issues with—but because it's so similar in its essential feeling, we can’t actually help to compare how the two parents behave.

Ron: What about the mystery? Are we feeling like there's enough there for us to continue watching? I don't feel like I'm that taken with it. What is this treasure? Why are people being killed over it? What is this other man in the second episode doing with the treasure? I wish we had a little bit more information. Also, is it actually tied into Laura's death? And what does the grandmom have to do with all this, because apparently it was her boat, but she didn't know about it because she doesn't manage it. I’m so confused.

There’s a way to outline a mystery, especially if it's going to continue for an entire season of 13 episodes. I don't think that what we've got so far has done it justice. Mon: The production values of this show? Brilliant. And you can see the amount of effort that has gone into making the show. The trouble is that the execution is quite lackluster and a little bit haphazard. Which is why you don't know whether you should be immersed in the drama or in the central investigation, because neither of them are getting their due.

As you mentioned before, it does feel like the writing and the editing is desperately trying to tick off a whole bunch of checks on a checklist. Are they succeeding? Maybe, internally they are, but the audience is not getting that cohesive feel that a story like this should have. Even if something is going to be playing out over 13 episodes, you should still feel like you are on a journey.

Right now, you feel like you're on a roller coaster, and you keep getting shoved from one car to the other.

Ron: I know we've already compared The Hardy Boys to Locke & Key, but there's another show that I wanted to talk about and that's Walker. Hopefully, we'll have the time to do an episode just on Walker because it's not what we expected.

Now that's another show where the pilot did way too much but gave us enough to want to come back for more. And the second episode was brilliant—so good that we’re actually looking forward to catching it every week. I really, really wanted the second episode of The Hardy Boys to do that for me; it didn't. And it was also disconnected from the first episode, so it really took me out of the whole experience and I just don't think we're gonna see anymore.

Mon: I almost feel like this show deserved to have a classic treatment. Go with episodic investigations. Make it fun. Make it humorous. Make it smart.

Ron: Where is the fun? I just need some fun.

The thing about Locke & Key was—I know, we again comparing the two, but I can’t help it. But Locke & Key, the first three episodes, I struggled a little bit with. I did like the aesthetic, and though I found the characters a little bit stale, I liked the entire story that we'd been told in those first few episodes.

But then it just got so much better. The characters became more interesting, the story was more interesting. Of course, the visuals are great, it's a Netflix show. But this series, I'm just not feeling that. And the other thing that I really liked bout Locke & Key was that they somehow managed to bring the fun in. Yes, they had a little bit of magic to play with, and that helped, but there was also this sinister angle with a very very scary villain. But despite that, they still managed to have so much fun. And it was bright and colourful. I think The Hardy Boys needs to bring that lightness in much earlier. Of course, it becomes very hard when you had a huge death in the first episode. But the second episode could have done it.

Mon: I think our expectations were pretty low going into the series, especially since there was no hype and we were surprised that this series even existed. But you always want to give everything a chance. No one goes out there to make a bad product, but sometimes you need to take a step back and see what you're doing.

The Hardy Boys book series have been around since 1927, they've gone through several reimaginings, they've had their own issues, their own problems, but the essence of it remains. So many of us literally grew up with these characters. So, when you bring them to the screen, you need to boil it down to one pitch perfect angle and just run with it.

I think this over reliance on being dark and edgy in every single product that you create is honestly making the entertainment industry boring and one note.

While I do think that some people can find themselves invested in this series, I honestly don't find myself, going back to this. I may not even have given it a chance if we hadn't received the screeners. I'm glad that we did. But I think it could have been a much more imaginative and innovative show if they just thought a little bit harder about it.

Ron: I also feel like this is not a show that works on a weekly basis. I know that Hulu dropped all episodes on the same day maybe this is a marathon watch. I'm actually interested to go back to the show once we get all 13 episodes here in Canada, and then maybe our views will change.

Have you watched the first two episodes of The Hardy Boys? What did you think? We'd love to hear from you.

You can find us on Twitter @Stereo_Geeks. Or send us an email stereogeekspodcast@gmail.com. We hope you enjoyed this episode. And see you next week!

Mon: The Stereo Geeks logo was created using Canva. The music for our podcast comes courtesy Audionautix.

[Continuum by Audionautix plays]

[madharringrove]

Part 2 (By: Cris)

This is part two written by Cris in her character’s POV, Alex Rogers.

——————————————————————————————————————

Alex’s POV:

I was going to meet with Amanda at a party tonight, but it seems that she wasn’t here yet. I sat on my red ’59 Jaguar XK150 Roadster and looked in the mirror to make sure my eyeliner still looked as sharp as my pocket knife. I walked out of my car, that was parked very far away so no asshole would try to test my patience, and walked into the party.

I looked around to see if anyone I recognized enough to talk to was there but there was no one, so of course I headed for the alcohol. I saw Hargrove talking to some people and drinking some beer, he caught me looking at him and looked at me with a shit eating smirk. I hate that I don’t hate that asshole. I walked away and grabbed myself some beer, and awkwardly smiled at some people who passed by and waved at me.

“Here” some stranger said and handed me a beer and pulled me by the arm to the backyard of the house. There I saw Tommy H. standing across me with a beer can in his hand and a pocket knife. “You’re going down Rogers!” Tommy yelled over at me and pointed the knife at me, “maybe but not on you!” I yelled back with a smirk. The count down started and as soon as it reached one I poked a whole in the can and pressed my lips fast against it and drank. In a matter of seconds I was done with my beer and proud of myself for beating Tommy H. People cheered as I looked around for Amanda. I caught a glance at Hargrove who had a proud smirk while bothering Tommy H. for losing to a girl. And that’s when I saw Amanda, “hey Williams!” I shouted and walked over to her giving her my pocket knife, “someone get her a beer!” I shouted. After a couple of minutes, Amanda had shotgunned her beer and everyone was cheering. Somewhere along the conversation keg stands were mentioned, meaning it was time for the rightful queen to get her title back.

“Just pass 42 seconds, alright?” she said.

“Why?”

“We’re here to pass Hargrove or what?”

48 seconds later and the keg stand queen was decided while everyone cheered. “Feels good” I said with a smirk, “your turn” I added. While everyone cheered and Harrington yelled “The new keg stand Queens!”, I couldn’t help but look around the room for a little fun. At first I tried to come off as a rough bitch that doesn’t deal with anyone’s bullshit, which is why I would threaten any guy trying to get with me. That was until some stranger pulled me away to a hallway closet.

“Hey what the fuck?!”

“Shut up and blow me” the guy said.

“Fuck no” I said and kicked him in the nuts.

“Get lost asshole!” I shouted at him as he limped away in pain. “Trouble in paradise?” I heard Hargrove say with the most shit eating face I had seen tonight. “Nothing I can’t handle” I said and put a cigarette between my lips and lit it up. “Ive been seeing you around tonight” he said and grabbed the cigarette from my lips, “you use drinking as a distraction to the fact that you have no one” he said and took a puff. “What’s that supposed to mean dipshit?” I asked and crossed my arms, “your only four friends are paired together and you’re all alone, “without the beer you would be a no one” he said and smiled. “At least I have someone, unlike you who can’t even get his sister to like him” I said and raised my pocket knife to his neck. “Would be a shame to damage such a nice neck with a knife” I said and pushed him away. “Yeah runaway Rogers! Like you always do you little bitch!” He yelled at me as I walked away, “Respect the Queen!” Some stranger yelled at you, which ended up being sucker punched by Billy.

What my friends saw as moments of glory and fame was actually a hook up in a strangers house.

“Shit”

“Oh Fuck”

“Don’t stop”

“Right there baby”

All followed by a “we should take this somewhere else” between kisses and heavy breathing. We walked outside of the low lit bathroom and walked to my car.

“You by any chance sober?”

“Nope”

“Yeah didn’t think so”

I started to drive off when I heard some loud moans. “Fucking Hargrove” I mumbled in anger as I looked over to the ’79 Camaro parked next to my car. I tried focusing on the road back home but the alcohol mixed with the grinning smile Billy had when he looked over at me while fucking some slut really weren’t helping. Soon after a couple of minutes we made it to my place and quickly took things to the living room couch. Perks of living mostly alone I guess.

“That was great” he panted out.

“Fuck Damon, we should do this more often”

“Agreed”

If only he knew he was just a distraction to me the way the alcohol is. Sad part is, Hargrove is right. Without the alcohol and cigarettes I’m a nobody, Nancy and Johnathan are always together, Steve and Mandy are destined to end up together sooner or later, all I have is the title of a Queen and a tendency to fuck things up. My thoughts were cut off by the landline ringing.

“Love you! Bye!” I shouted into the phone and hung up. At least I know Mandy is okay, more than okay considering she’s at Harrington’s. “Hey man I think you should go” I said awkwardly, “did I do something wrong?” Damon asked afraid, “no, not at all! I just have some business I forgot I had to take care of” I lied and sat on the couch. “Oh okay, well umm ill see you later” he said and awkwardly put his shirt on, “shit right, ill give you a ride don’t worry” I said and put my clothes back on.

“Thanks for the ride!” He said as he walked out of my car, “which one?” I smirked, “both” he laughed and walked away. I drove away but didn’t go back home, I parked my car near the forest and sat out on the trunk. Not much you can do in this town but drink and listen to music. I put on one of my favorite mix tapes my brother had made for me before he moved away and took a cig out. “Oh you’re so condescending, your gall is never ending. We don’t want nothin’, not a thing from you” I singed along to the Twisted Sister song. “Is that supposed to mean something?” I heard a voice say, “the fuck are you doing here Hargrove?” I asked. “Hooking up with Damon Brown, that’s low even for you” he said and sat next to me, “and hooking up with you isn’t?” I asked, “you know you’d love to” he said, “fuck off”.

“So alone always” he laughed, “like a drifter I was born to live alone” I joked, “Whitesnakes, nice” he said in approval of my knowledge of rock music. “And here I thought you were just pretending to like rock music” he said, “passion for rock isn’t something you can just fake, you more than anyone should know that” I said. “Oh we’re half way there, living on a prayer” I mumbled along to the song.

“What’s your deal anyways?” He asks

“What do you mean?”

“Well you just randomly showed up in town, no family or history, no one knows anything about you”

“You’re one to talk” I scoffed.

“You just gotta know the right people” I added

“And who are those people?” He asked

“Why are you so invested in learning about me”

“Cuz I wanna know if there’s something else besides stubbornness and loneliness to you” he said dryly.

“Let it go”.

And with every question we got closer to each other, “god you’re so stubborn” he scoffed. “Why the hell are you even here?” I asked but instead of an answer I received a “so stubborn and goddamn stupid”. “If you think I’m so shitty just get the fuck out” I said starting to sound annoyed, “there’s so much more you could do with that pretty little mouth of yours than smoke and talk shit about me” he said and grabbed my jaw tight, “I don’t want your fucking STDs Hargrove” I said and stood up. “Stubborn, stupid, but so fucking sexy” he said and pushed me against the car, “get the fuck off” I said and tried to escape his grip, “oh I will” he growled. “I know you want this” he said, “everyone wants this” he assured himself, “fuck off I’m not one of your dirty sluts” I shouted and managed to escape his grip. “You think I haven’t seen you making goo goo eyes at me ever since you moved to town, I know you, I know what you want” he said seriously this time, “you don’t know me” I mumbled. “So afraid of getting what she wants. What? Is it normally harder for you? Come over here and I’ll show you truly how hard it is” he said at first sweet but then with a cocky smile.

“What if we make a deal?” I said asserting myself.

“Okay what do you want?”

“I fuck you, I’ll be your little slut just for tonight. But only once, and you promise to leave me and my friends the fuck alone. I’ll just as if see you near them and I’ll fucking end you Hargrove” I said and got near him.

“I’m down, but you’ll be coming around for seconds” he smirked.

“Oh we’ll see who’s gonna be coming for seconds” I scoffed.

I grabbed his hand and pulled him into my Jaguar, “sit down and shut the fuck up” I said as I sat on his lap. He grabbed my face and began kissing me, seemed like he was trying to choke me with his tongue, I’m not gonna lie, I enjoyed it. Our movements soon synced up to the music playing and our heavy breaths. Wanting more I quickly fidgeted around his crotch to take off his belt and pull down his high waisted skinny jeans. “I knew you wanted it bad” he said through kisses, “shut up and do me” I replied. Slowly but surely our clothes was everywhere but on our bodies. Fully naked, cold, and slightly afraid, I positioned myself on top of his hard dick and let him to the work. Slowly at first, but then we both picked up the pace, treating moans and grunts that bounced off the sides of the car.

“Holy fuck” I gasped and arched my back.

“Fucking cunt!” He yelled out and grasped onto my back.

“Shit Hargrove” I panted.

“One time thing alright” I remembered him, “Shit Rogers at least let me finish orgasming geez” he said and grabbed my face again, going in for a kiss. And for some reason I couldn’t seem to want to pull away, and so I kissed him back. “I should- I need to go” I said and pulled away from the kisses he was leaving down my neck, “yeah, right” he said and grabbed his clothes. We got dressed and soon after I was driving back home and he was walking to what I assumed was his house. Of course I had to hook up with Billy Hargrove’s neighbor, fuck.

“Here I go again on my own, going down the only road I’ve ever known. Like a drifter I was born to walk alone, and I’ve made up my mind, I ain’t wasting no more time” I yelled along to the song. What the fuck did I just do, and why do I want to do it again?

[imyourliquor-youremypoison]

Divided We Fall (OUAT - Peter Pan x Reader) Part 5

Requested by @ajakral

Synopsis: Who said there were no girls on Neverland? Who said Peter Pan ruled over this world on his own? On the other side of the island, far from the mermaid lagoon, the echo cave and the skull rock – that’s where (Y/N) and her girls lived. Because behind every great man there is an even greater woman, what would the king be without his queen?

A/N: Doesn’t star any OUAT characters apart from Pan, Felix and Wendy.

Word count: 3.3k

Part 4 <<< >>> Part 6

MASTERLIST

The last hour of training went by much more quickly than the girls expected, and it was mainly due to the fact that it stopped raining and the wind stopped blowing. (Y/N) dismissed them all before the end; much to everyone's relief her mood seemed to have improved since the last time she checked on them.

She had no idea what happened for the storm to stop and the clouds to disperse so quickly, but the sun had never felt so delightful on (Y/N)'s skin. When the first ray pierced through the branches of the trees, (Y/N) raised her chin and closed her eyes to better appreciate its warmth. The sudden silence made her aware of the pounding of her heart in her chest and for the first time of the day, she breathed in and relaxed. Her shoulders were tense, her feet hurt and she was tired. She sat on the nearest rock and simply enjoyed the sun for as long as she could before it set.

Which happened all too soon. She stood up the second it stopped basking her in its rays and walked back to the training field. All the girls froze and stopped talking when they saw their leader arrive. (Y/N) ignored the wary glances and smiled gently.

“You've done well today,” she complimented them, walking past Sybil who was covered in mud from head to toe and panting. “I know I make you work hard and it doesn't always seem justified or fair, but I have your best interest at heart. Now go get cleaned up so you can eat and rest. I'll be the only one on watch duty tonight and tomorrow's training is canceled. Everyone will participate in bringing food back to camp.”

Sybil looked angry and like she was going to say something she would regret, but Winnie placed a hand on her shoulder and gave her a squeeze that made her swallow it back. Dorothy let out a sigh of relief from across the training field when she was certain that the situation wasn't going to escalate. Sybil, the troublesome child, the wild one. (Y/N) liked the girl, if only because she stood up for herself and her friends, but she needed to learn the right way to do it.

The girls began to walk toward the pond to get rid of all the dried dirt and the leaves in their hair when (Y/N) grabbed Winnie's arm. She waited until the others were gone before speaking.

“You did a very good job today at showing the new girls the fighting moves and sharing your knowledge – it's noble, but it's not what I'm asking of you. You can't just fight smaller than you, you'll never improve this way. Try and pair up with Sybil next time, she's a fighter, she plays dirty, and that's what you need.”

Winnie lowered her head in shame and nodded faintly, thinking she just got scolded.

“But again, you're a good person with a lot of skill. And you might have a positive influence on Sybil too. Mutually help each other, and let me take care of the young ones.” (Y/N) punctuated her sentence with a smile and looped her arm around Winnie's shoulders to lead her to the pond. As they approached they could hear laughter and loud conversations, it lifted the mood.

“Join the others,” she said and pushed her slightly forward.

Their surroundings basked in soft, orange-red light filtering through the branches of the trees around them, and the girls relaxed in the water and washed one another's hair as they chatted and let the steam out. (Y/N) lived for moments like these.

“Hey!” Dorothy called from up on a rock. Her hair was back to the usual shining blond everybody secretly envied her. She was a beautiful person inside and out. She kept waving at (Y/N) to come over, and she did just that. “No offense but you look like you need a bath too,” she simply said, as though she was any other Lost Girl and not the stern instructor who has yelled at them all, all day long.

“Do I?” (Y/N) asked with a smirk as she snapped her fingers. Gone were the dirt, the wet clothes sticking to her body and the leaves tangled in her hair.

“That's cheating!” She exclaimed, joined by a couple other girls who approved her statement.

“Teach us how to do it!” One of the last two girls who arrived sudden blurted out, a huge grin on her face. All the girls turned to her with a closed off expression, and the mood dropped. The young one seemed to notice and her smile vanished – she looked like she wanted to crawl in a mouse hole.

“Nancy it is, huh?” (Y/N) asked. She didn't need confirmation, she knew all of her girls' names, but this one looked like she would whither away if (Y/N) so much as said her first name too harshly.

The little girl nodded. She must have been seven or eight years old, and she would never age a day in her life. (Y/N) had seen her walk around with ridiculously long black hair which she constantly fiddled with the first days of her arrival, but since then the older girls had made an habit of braiding Nancy's hair into intricate hairstyles so it would stay out of her eyes and not get tangled in bushes. Now she fiddles with her clothes or anything she could get her hands on really, almost like she was used to having something in her hands.

“Magic is dangerous when you don't know how to use it. Magic has a price; it is whimsical and elitist. Either you have the gift-” (Y/N) gestured vaguely with her left hand to make a teddy bear appear from nowhere. “-or you don't.”

She handed the plush over to the little girl who immediately cradled it against her chest.

“I don't teach magic because it's a burden more than a blessing. I don't teach magic because even if I did, it wouldn't bring much to any of you since you don't have the gift. You'd be able to turn a stick into a knife, to change the color of your hair, to play little tricks, but that's it. It would wear you down for nearly nothing. It takes a toll on you, slowly you start to feel your body ache for it – like a drug. It's what happened to the Lost Boys whom Pan used to teach magic when I first came here. Even he stopped doing it. Let it be a lesson – if Peter Pan himself thinks twice before doing something, you should avoid it at all costs.”

Her little speech lasted long enough to permanently ruin the happy mood of the girls and the sun had completely set. It was getting darker by the minute. Dorothy didn't smile anymore, her hand was on Nancy's shoulder.

“Everyone clean?” (Y/N) asked and was answered by a round of positive responses. “Perfect. For tonight and tonight only, I will provide. I have been harsher than you deserved and you all earned the feast that is waiting for you at the bonfire. Go now.”

The group dispersed in a matter of seconds and soon the pond was a deserted area. In the distance, (Y/N) heard the joyful chatter erupt again. The knot in the pit of her stomach tightened and she bent in two, feeling sick all of a sudden – sick of herself. She wanted to throw up but she hadn't eaten anything for almost twenty-four hours and there was nothing left to throw up whatsoever. Another, far more familiar feeling raised the hairs on her neck - the unmistakable feeling of being observed - and (Y/N) jumped on her feet, ready to face whoever was lurking in the dark.

Of course it was the Shadow, silently waiting for her to abandon her defensive stance. (Y/N) hated herself for doing it, but she nodded at the thing and she waited for it to do it's usual trick of pulling one of Pan's flowers out of nowhere. Except it didn't.

“What are you waiting for?” (Y/N) barked when she couldn't take it anymore. It was testing her patience and she wasn't known for having a lot of it.

The Shadow flew away before she even finished the question. If it had flown up she might have turned on her heels and walked back to her cabin, but it moved slowly and went through the trees so she figured it wanted (Y/N) to follow. It went against everything she taught her girls, but if there was one thing that (Y/N) knew to be true, it was that Pan didn't want her dead, and the Shadow would never hurt her.

She walked for a long time and if she didn't know the island like the back of her hand, (Y/N) would have been way more anxious than she currently was.

“Where the hell are we going? I'm not walking through Neverland at night time, leaving my girls alone, and potentially heading straight into a trap just because you want me to follow you,” she told the Shadow after half an hour of wandering deeper and deeper into the forest.

It merely looked at her – if this thing could even look somewhere – and resumed its floating. Five minutes later, (Y/N) fell on her knees. Her face was buried in her hands as she collapsed on the humid ground in the middle of a small meadow. When she finally removed them she still couldn't see farther than the tip of her nose because the tears blinded her. A scream so loud that it physically burned her throat came out of her mouth and echoed through the island. When would it stop? When would she be at peace?

“Why are you doing this to me?!” She screamed at someone who wasn't even there. But she was certain that he listened. He always listened, he always watched. He was the invisible presence that made her hairs stand on ends, and the cause for her paranoia – he might as well be standing behind her and leaning over her shoulder, for the feeling was the same. “How you must hate me to keep torturing me like this after all these years! What is the point of this, why don't you let me go?! Just let me go Peter! I need you to let me go!”

She repeated he words over and over again until they lost their meaning, until they no longer felt right. (Y/N) forgot what she was saying in the first place when finally her throat became too sore to say another word and she fell on her back. She blinked a couple times and stared up at the sky and its stars. They were blinded out though because the meadow of glowing blue flowers she laid in the middle of shone brighter than the moon. In this exact position and lulled by the soft sound of far off music, (Y/N) felt her eyelids grow heavy and before she realized it, she was asleep.

*

Time passed, bruises appeared and faded, bones broke and healed, (Y/N) toughened up – not because she had to, but because she wanted to. Not because Peter Pan didn't leave her a choice, but because one day she wanted to better him, and he wouldn't have any other choice than let her go.

Constantly on guard, that's how (Y/N) lived. She looked over her shoulder wherever she want in order to anticipate any attack from Peter or the Lost Boys – he'd ordered them to surprised attack her and to challenge each other as often as they could. A ride or die mentality took over the camp and friendships became a rare thing – not that (Y/N) cared, she didn't come here to make friends. She didn't come here at all, she was abducted and schemed to go back.

It appeared that this fact slipped Pan's mind a lot – the way he acted and spoke to her let her think that he believed it was an honor and privilege for her to be part of his gang of underage delinquents. They weren't like this before he corrupted their minds, they merely needed care and attention but the lack thereof caused them to hear and follow the hypnotizing music of Pan's flute. Like (Y/N). She still wondered what pushed her to do that. She didn't feel like she was unloved. She didn't feel like her life was that terrible.

“You only hear the flute if you need to hear it,” Pan had told her in-between two of their lessons, one of the rare moments when he agreed to give (Y/N) a break to catch her breath and answered her questions. “I don't choose who hears it, I only play.”

His voice sounded distraught and tired, (Y/N) didn't dare say anything anymore. Contrary to the rest of the time when he tried so hard to look dangerous and scary, she couldn't find it in herself to spit a nasty comment at his face. Was it all an act? It sure didn't feel like it. She never got a chance to know because these moments were as fleeting as they were rare. If Peter Pan felt the wall surrounding his heart - assuming he has one – shatter, he immediately built another, higher, thicker one. But when would such an occasion present itself again?

“Why do you play?” (Y/N) risked the question and regretted it when she saw Peter's face close up.

“Have you forgotten the first rule on Neverland?” He scoffed, his voice full of scorn as he stood up.

“How could I, you remind me at least once a day,” the girl grumbled and crossed her arms in sign of protest – she was tired and would not engage in any more fighting today.

“And I will keep doing it until you learn to respect it,” he added and flicked his hand to magically make her stand to her feet, causing her to wobble on her legs and almost fall. “No more questions. I only ask one thing of you: silence and obedience.”

“That's two things – none of which you will ever obtain by the way,” (Y/N) laughed bitterly and walked past him.

She tried to, at least. Pan grabbed her by the upper arm as she walked by and forcefully pulled her back. (Y/N) was taken by complete surprise as he rarely ever used physical violence to make her do his bidding, magic was always his go-to solution. This time she didn't get the usual treatment – her back didn't hit the nearest tree, her legs weren't tied together by magical ivy. In a swift and practiced motion, Peter whisked (Y/N) off her feet and made her lose her balance and fall to the ground. He had swiped her feet to the right while pushing her upper body to the left and watched her face plant with a smug smirk on his face. The shock knocked the air out of her for a second but (Y/N) recovered quickly and jumped back to her feet – only to be once again thrown in the dirt. This time Pan placed a foot behind her own then put his right forearm across her shoulders and pushed. It happened so quickly she didn't have the time to react.

“Stop it!” She protested when it was clear that he would do it again if she tried to stand up. “What is the point of this, what are you trying to prove now?!” She deliberately provoked him.

(Y/N) was hot blooded and he just made her very mad. Taking in some punches for the sake of training that she could endure, because it helped her reach of goal of getting away from her tormentor. But being pushed around and mishandled for the sole pleasure of this self-proclaimed King of a slice of earth and a bunch of kids was too much for (Y/N)'s nerves.

“I have nothing to prove my dear, but you needed a little reminder. I can defeat you without magic, I can out-smart you, manipulate you, and I can break you if you refuse to bend.”

(Y/N) was fuming. Still on the ground - but looking high and mighty nonetheless – she glared daggers at him, her nostrils flared and her fists clenched in anger. Pan knelt down to be at eye level with her, or maybe he simply enjoyed this position of dominance.

“My dear, unyielding (Y/N),” he began and she already knew she wasn't going to like what would come next. “Do not think for a second that your sudden enthusiasm during our training sessions went unnoticed, I am no fool and I know exactly what your cunning little mind came up with. But a few hand-to-hand combats with me won't make you a better fighter than I am, you have no chance of escaping, believe me. Smarter, stronger people than you have tried.”

“You don't know me,” she spat at him, making him back away the slightest bit when she leaned forward to say this. “And now where are those smarter and stronger people you speak of if they haven't escaped? I see no one around here challenging me in those two departments.”

“You see, as smart as they were they made the very stupid decision to fight me instead of joining my cause. For this reason their bodies now rest at the bottom of the ocean - if you'd like to join them let me know and I can arrange that.”

It was and would always be uncharacteristically intimidating to hear Peter Pan threaten you directly. His aura was dark as night and there was no doubt that he would put his menace to execution if (Y/N) pushed her over the edge, but somehow she couldn't take him seriously. She couldn't because she knew that what he just said was a lie. She had no idea how she knew it, or what imperceptible change in his expression gave it away, but he lied that she was sure of.

“Duly noted,” she said begrudgingly and raised a hand, gesturing Pan to help her to her feet. “Does this mean the end of my private fighting lessons?” She asked as soon as she was up. Pan had rolled his eyes and reluctantly taken her hand to help (Y/N) stand up and she felt like she just won a battle.

“Certainly not, you just got yourself an extra daily hour of beating for your impertinence,” he told her. “You progress fast – even if you're a few hundred years late to catch up on me – so we'll move on to the difficult part now. Magic.”

“Magic?” (Y/N) snorted and crossed her arms. Her laughter got stuck in her throat when she saw the way Pan stared at her. “Why would you teach me magic, you just said you knew that I wanted to escape and now you're offering me the occasion to learn how to do so?”

Great (Y/N), good way of not raising suspicion and persuading him to continue his lessons.

“It's not everyday that I meet someone with magic abilities, it would be a terrible loss if I decided not to teach you for such trivial reasons. You represent no threat to me and I can keep you here as long as I please. Make no mistake my dear (Y/N), I can make you do anything, I have power of life and death over everyone and everything on Neverland - I can kill you with a snap of my fingers just like I can force you to stay alive in case the thought of putting an end to your life merely to get away from me crossed your mind.”

There it was – the truth. Peter Pan didn't want her dead, oh no. For a reason she had yet to find out, (Y/N) knew that Peter desperately wanted – or maybe needed – her to stay alive, and to remain here on Neverland, with him. 

[trabzonto]

POLITICAL HUMOR & SATIRE

Poor Me is a magazine dedicated to people who see themselves as victims. Read the new Trump-Comey edition – their thickest issue to date.

Challenges of being a drama queen in the age of Trump. Experts: "Competition is fierce."

IN THIS ISSUE:

March against fascism ends with 400,000 fewer deaths than expectedHillary to victims: "poison the wells, scorch the earth"Kathy Griffin: From woke to broke in one easy stepTop 10 methods to make the world feel guilty and apologizeLeBron James needs a day without white people: "No matter how much money I have, I’m still as paranoid as a homeless drug addict"Is everything Trump’s fault? Ask an expert!

EXCLUSIVE – Closed session: Comey, 56, demonstrates on doll where he feared Trump was going to touch him.

Many years ago Nancy Pelosi bravely said, "We have to pass the bill to know what’s in it." But even after it was passed, no one has ever read the Affordable Care Act in its entirety; it is so large that it has its own gravitational field.

In a dramatic stroke of brilliance and keen journalistic instinct, or perhaps outright laziness, we decided to start from the back. Here’s what we found.

Hospital stays exceeding two days require patient-provided bedpans and light bulbs.Co-pays are now tracked by as a Wall Street investment index.Half off Abortion-Tuesdays at Family Dollar stores everywhere.The term “deductibles” is omitted from the medical lexicon in favor of “insurer’s fair share.”Malpractice lawsuits shall be known as “pulling the ‘ol Okey-Dokey.”A 20% tip automatically added to prescription drug purchases.School lunch programs shall include Soylent Green Fridays.

As a member of the white male hetero Christian class my peoples have been ruling the world far to long. It is only fitting that I and my ilk get a taste of our own medicine and accept our demotion in exchange for the promotion of the victim class. The only thing my peoples can do to alleviate our deserved pains is to sacrifice our place willingly and eagerly. We shall vocally praise the oppressed, admit our sins and accept our lashings. When we are ordered to leave our campuses because of our whiteness we shall do so with a smile. When we are reminded of our privilege we shall accept it with a tear. Equality before the law is not the goal. Lady Justice is not blind, comrade. Her eyes are open and her scales are now tipped accordingly. That is the "Democratic Ideal" for which we now must live.

Early this morning President Trump challenged the nation to discover the true meaning of "covfefe."

We accepted the challenge and we’re pretty sure we have figured it out.

Just some pictures and headlines:

– Kathy Griffin mistakenly beheads Alec Baldwin in Trump costume; nobody cares.

– Islamic State disavows Kathy Griffin, pleads with her to "chill the f@#& out"

– ISIS Condemns Kathy Griffin For Cultural Appropriation

etc.

An academic study from researchers at Brunel University London assessed 171 men, looking at their height, weight, overall physical strength and bicep circumference, along with their views on redistribution of wealth and income inequality. The study, published in the Evolution and Human Behavior journal, ​found that weaker men were more likely to favor socialist policies than stronger men.

Back when I lived in New York I went shopping for a modern-looking microfiber jacket suitable for cool weather. I visited a dozen boutique stores in Manhattan, trying on a variety of nice-looking jackets. None of them fit me in the chest. Even if I was able to zip them up over my chest, I couldn’t move my arms…

A recently found 1,200-year-old fossil is giving anthropologists new insights into a warrior-like, bipedal masculine human specimen they have identified as Testiculus Englishmanus, a mysterious ancestor of modern-day British men.

The remains were discovered in Wessex, at the site of the historic Battle of Edington (present-day Wiltshire), where in May, 878 AD, patriotic Anglo-Saxons defeated "The Heathen Army" of the Viking invaders, leading to the eventual liberation and unification of England.

The 6 foot-long fossil reveals that the extinct early man of England possessed two large working testicles, which shatters all modern theories about the origins of today’s residents of the British Isles.

The world’s best known dealmaker-turned-president showed that when it comes to real estate, nobody out-negotiates the Trumpster.

The president met briefly with Pope Francis, whom Trump described as a "…very, very nice man. Very hospitable," before agreeing on a price for the Vatican.

Subjects discussed by the two leaders included the environment, world peace, religious tolerance, and property values.

"After a little going back and forth, I finally asked His Holiness what he wanted for the Vatican. He made an offer, but you know how deals are, he started low and I started high," Trump told the accredited media shortly afterwards.

Do you hate Donald Trump?

Is your lifelong dream to destroy his presidency? Do you live for nothing else these days?

Are you looking for a flexible job that requires little effort while allowing you to be as outrageous as you want? Do you enjoy throwing stuff at the wall and watching it slide down to the floor leaving a trail of slime?

Then mainstream media outlets, especially the New York Times and Washington Post, would like to offer you a position as an ANONYMOUS SOURCE!

Harvard University has written a new dress code that defines ties, a traditional male dress accessory, as a symbol of oppression, chauvinism, and hate speech. The decision came after a women’s rights group petitioned the school board to ban neckties, claiming that students have been triggered by seeing such a “flamboyant and offensive” micro-aggression carried around even by their own professors.

Immediately after the board’s decision, a mass email was sent to all students and faculty of the new dress code, stating that if the new policy was disobeyed it could bring about “serious consequences” including expulsion.

Komrades, I made this little vid where Ragnar Lothbrok gets a glimpse of his people’s nightmarish future that is 21st century Sweden.

It has no major spoilers from the show "Vikings".

French PM candidate Emmanuel Macron has proposed a new initiative, the "Fair Redistribution of Terror in Europe Program," that he hopes will revive his faltering campaign days before France’s voters go the polls.

"It is unfair that France and other enlightened nations that open their borders to Muslim refugees, must suffer the most from Islamic terrorism," Macron said at a campaign rally on Monday. "As a fair-minded person, I am saddened and outraged that less enlightened nations, especially Poland, who close their borders to Muslim migrants, get to enjoy terror-free existence…

For thousands of years, since the end of the Ice Age, international workers gathered in their caves on May Day to organize, protest, and represent. They sat around bonfires chanting Party-approved slogans and denouncing U.S. imperialism.

Every year the changing Current Truth called for different slogans, which were promptly provided to the masses by this glorious Party Organ. And this year is no different. See the most current, updated, and expanded list of slogans for May Day 2017.

– Make America small again!

A sad day today. The People’s Climate Marches in both Denver and Colorado Springs today had to be cancelled because of snow.

I demand a Congressional investigation. Surely Trump has colluded with the Russians to hack our weather in order to make those of us on the side of Truth, Justice and The Socialist Way look bad.

And to think the Russians used to be our friends…

Winter Blast Putting Climate Protests On Ice In Colorado…

Fearless Girl has gotten a little cocky since she stood up to the Wall Street bull – that symbol of financial optimism and prosperity. So brash in fact that she’s graduated from turning this bull into a steer and now takes her intimidation on the road.

Her search for other icons that she can threaten with her icy stare and bravado is taking her on a world-wide excursion. We’ve captured the best moments in this photo essay as FG traveled the globe.

As the world community senses the looming destruction of our planet by Trump’s imperial knowledge-rejecting regime, scientists all over the globe stand up and say No pasaran!

On April 22, and the battlecry of Earth Day resounding through the canyons of our metropoles, Science will march in the front row!

Physicists – Relentlessly Smash Inequality of Atoms!

Chemists – Boldly create New Matter out of Equalized Atoms!

Mathematicians – Progressive Gender-Awareness NOW!

Climatists – Seize the Rudder in the Glorious March of Science!

MIT Press is out with a new book that teaches children the tenets of Karl Marx with fairy tales.

The little girl’s armpit hair is especially disturbing. I understand it must be a nod to feminism, and far be it from me to dictate rules of body hygiene to any women and their consenting partners.

The reason it’s disturbing is because little girls don’t have armpit hair.

So the book’s authors either have never had children themselves and forgot their own childhood, or they are perverts who fantasize about a world where little girls have armpit hair or where adult women with armpit hair look, dress, and behave like little girls and break things they don’t or won’t understand.

In 1988 we told the world that "We only have ten years left to save the planet."

In 1989, our wonderful comrades at the United [in Marxism] Nations decreed the same thing.

Then during the 2000 election season our Holy Prophet Who Has Never Been Wrong, Al Gorski (Muslim name: al-goreeza) issued a fatwa that we only had ten years left to save the planet.

Nobody listened. George Bush [spit, spit] won stole the election and the planet’s environmental destruction continued.

So, in 2006, prophet al-goreeza issued another fatwa…

Life is complicated these days, and there’s just so much outrage to absorb your time. You may be like many Americans, and just not sure what you should be outraged about and which side to pick.

But wait no longer! Simply download the free People’s Current Truth App™ and you’ll be officially in the know. Whether it’s Cecil, Harambe, Bush, or Trump, you’ll receive timely updates with clear instructions on…

What to be angry about! When to feel triggered! Which side to choose! When to choose the other side! How to vent your righteous anger! Where to go for t-shirts and matching placards! Soros funding locator! Progressive social media protest calendaring function!

United Airlines will not be beat, even if you take their seat.

Previously, airlines were required to pay passengers four times their ticket price if they were more than 4 hours late, but United now has a deal beater.

If they need a passenger’s seat, they will simply beat them and drag them from the plane.

This way, they keep costs low for the little people, while kicking the teeth in of uppity, fancy doctors.

Tears of Social Justice Warriors IVANKA TRUMP BUSINESS SAVVY Entrepreneurial skills showcased

Now that Ivanka Trump’s perfume has seen a sales explosion due to, of all things, retail outlets removing the brand from their shelves, Ms Trump has been looking to further incorporate irritated liberals in her business strategy.

Retailers did not consider the fact that the vast majority of liberal women don’t enjoy smelling pleasant, so any move related to perfume inventory would go unnoticed by this demographic…

Every year on April First, internationally known as The Current Truth Day, all progressive humanity celebrates the People’s Cube’s glorious anniversary. Twelve years ago today, on April 1, 2005, this Party Organ was launched out of an undisclosed bunker and swiftly rose over the horizon like the red hexahedron-shaped sun of the revolution, bringing the light of Party-approved thought straight out of the Motherland to the toiling masses of the darkened, non-socialist parts of planet Earth.

Comrade hippies at the HealiUm Art Center in Atlanta, GA, have come up with a creative plan to heal our divided nation. Mocking Donald Trump’s book title, The Art of the Deal, they named their project The Art of The Heal, calling everyone who self-identifies as being an artist to create over 100,000 pieces of art to send to the White House by July 4th, 2017: "Gift the collective art to the President with a request to display the gifted art pieces in the White House for public viewing."

San Francisco, CA — 81 year old Cynthia Cunningham was hospitalized during the early morning hours today after she was found barely conscious in Target department store women’s restroom. The elderly woman fell into a toilet becoming lodged in the public commode when the seat that Cunningham attempted to use was left up.

According to the victim’s family, Cunningham went missing last night after she went into town to buy her grandson a birthday card and a video game. The frail customer with poor eyesight and a weak bladder was recorded on security cameras rushing into the restroom a half-hour before the store closed only to not emerge until EMTs carried her out…

Step right up!

Get your London Edition of Terror Response Bingo here!

To play, keep the card by your computer as you read the news and social media reaction to the attack.

When you see something in the news or on social media that matches something on the card, check it off!

Welcome to the People’s Cube clearing house for all the latest, scandalous, fascist, and Russian outrages of the Trump administration.

What is the latest, breathless, gotta-tell-it-now scandal that defies credulity?

DID YOU KNOW that Neil Gorsuch may have taken his Bar Exam with one shoe untied? Can you believe he’s actually being considered for the Supreme Court?

DID YOU KNOW that Jim Sessions may have worn a WHITE pocket square folded with a POINTY TOP? Yeah, that’s not racist (sarcasm)! And they say Trump…

"A Day Without Sobriety" campaign gains momentum in the Motherland.

Concerned that Russians don’t consume enough alcohol in the month of March, Russia’s Orthodox Church has now made St. Patrick’s Day​ an official holiday over the country’s enormous territory.

Because the Orthodox Church’s calendar is two weeks behind the Western calendar, the celebration is being scheduled on March 30th, almost two weeks after the drinking has wrapped up in the rest of the world. This means that Russia’s 143 million-strong population will be carousing on the 17th when everyone else does it, and then on the 30th…

In joining the fun of a "Day Without" campaign I am starting a new "Day Without" campaign called "A Day Without a Day Without" campaign.

I know it is hard to imagine living a day without being reminded of the sensitivities and abuses faced by our perpetually aggrieved brethren but I am in desperate need of "A Day Without Guilt."

After my "A Day Without A Day Without" campaign I am proposing some additional "Day Without" campaigns to fill our annual calendars. Please help me complete our 365 day schedule.

Dear oppressed women and non-women who identify as females!

On this wonderful spring holiday the Party takes a day off from the usual revolutionary struggle in order to celebrate all the international contributions to social justice made by self-identified female-gendered persons and wishes for them to crush their oppressors anywhere they can find them – and get even!

Remember: 50% of the world’s population has 100% of the Y-chromosomes and 91% of the testosterone. #SMASH FASCIST TESTICLES!

We will never have a truly equal society until we can eliminate Penis Envy by eliminating the penis. #All GENITALS BELONG TO THE STATE!

To go along with Disney’s re-envisioning of Beauty and the Beast, and their new show Princes, they’ve also released a new children’s cartoon – perfect for the kids to watch while eating their cereal during Saturday morning prime time.

A hundred years ago (April 6, 1917) America entered World War I. The prevailing media messaging of the time was captured in these war propaganda posters.

Things have changed in the last hundred years, and so has the media messaging. This raises some questions:

Who comes up with this new messaging? Who is the target? What is it aimed to accomplish? And can a nation survive this mindset if it prevails? Could any nation survive it?

Because while the messaging has changed, the world hasn’t…

If today’s New York Times editors had been in charge in 1917 (strumming harp music)…

A likely illegal publication of a private German telegram to culturally diverse Hispanic and Oriental leaders causes rage, Teutophobia among white alt-right U.S. nationalists

The questionably legal publication of a private German telegram has some alt-right conspiracy buffs attributing the worst possible motives to the German government.

The telegram, which legal experts caution may be illegal for citizens to read…

Today’s lesson: how to condescend to minorities and still score liberal points

This photo, initially posted on Reddit, has quickly become viral. An unnamed teacher in Massachusetts, believing that her students were as shocked by Trump’s election as she was, posted these equality-enforcement proclamations on the classroom wall.

It must be very reassuring for "Latino(a)" students to see a daily reminder that they are not rapists or drug dealers. The same goes for Muslim students who supposedly need to be reminded that they are not terrorists in case they forget. Black students are probably expected to feel grateful for being sheltered from certain death that lurks outside; paranoia is always good for morale.

It is the dawn of the Trump era. The deep state, also known as "a state within a state" is in danger of being drained. In Washington, DC, an elite group of career government bureaucrats bands together to issue the squeal of a lifetime.

The sabotage of Trump and his troops serves as the backdrop for the gripping story about self-serving pen pushers who put the entire country’s future on the line to defend their swamp, trough, and the deep state from Trump’s swamp-draining forces.

Despite inconclusive evidence and ignoring the possible ramifications, the deep state orders the attack…

Each February, film fans around the world turn their attention to the Academy Awards called "The Oscars." But this year is different. "The movies" we so love and cherish have given way to astonishing performances right here on our streets – free of charge! We’ve saturated ourselves with popcorn while watching entertaining "snowflake" routines since Election Day, and it only gets better.

Buy movie tickets? Why! We’ve got free entertainment! We’ve watched more liberal meltdowns on YouTube than movies. We get excited and well… forget the cinema! I’m staying home to watch the liberals!

Comrade Psychiatrist is unhappy with Mr. Trump’s "delusional reformism."

American progressives have been enamored with many Soviet ideas in their time, trying to transplant them to the U.S. – from government diktat and central planning to academic indoctrination and propaganda through entertainment. And while the Soviet Union has gone the way of the dodo, its glorious socialist legacy is still up for the picking.

One of these unparalleled Soviet achievements is the use of psychiatry to silence dissent and delegitimize political opposition…

The word “haters” is a very loaded term, and a nonsensical one to boot. The left-wing Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC), for example, claims to be the ultimate arbiter of “hate,” “haters,” “hate groups,” and “hate crimes.” This 501(c)(3) nonprofit collects handsome sums of money under the pretext of keeping what they call a hatewatch. At the end of 2016 their endowment stood at $302.8 million. That means they have a direct financial interest in painting a picture of a widespread organized hatred in the United States, which “proves” their importance and scares the donors into parting with even more of their money.

With all the Days of Resistance and Days Without Some Victim Group we’ve had lately, and will continue to have for the next four years—or until He Who Shall Not Be Named Because That Only Legitimizes and Worse, Humanizes Him—is impeached—it’s clear we need to set aside another Day, this one to demand paid leave for protesting. We shall call it the People’s Paid Protest Leave, or PPPL™ for short.

Because this is about People. People who care. People who are fighting fascism. People who want only to take back the democracy that last November 8th was ripped from us as if we were raped—which, in a sense, we were.

Is it just me, or do you also wonder how liberals can possibly function, let alone win elections? This lump in their heads, they refer to it as a mind, is made of absurdities, inconsistencies and contradictions. How is possible to hold so many mutually exclusive beliefs?

The fact is, there’s a method to their insanity and sane people will keep losing to the insane unless they understand what that method is.

Let’s take love and hate. Scientists have discovered that both love and hate originate in the same nervous circuits in the brain.

I’m not sure if this has been picked up in America but our UK press are reporting that President Trump was "bashing" the BBC.

‘Here’s another beauty’: Donald Trump bashes the BBC again in heated back-and-forth with ‘impartial free and fair’ reporter Jon Sopel during bizarre White House press conference

– President said ‘Here’s another beauty’ after asking Jon Sopel where he was from – North America editor replied ‘It’s a good line’, adding: ‘Impartial, free and fair’

Our correspondent in Belgium, Comrade Minitrue, has sent us a transmission about the growing prominence of the People’s Cube in the European Union of Soviet Socialist Republics (EUSSR) and its glorious capital, Brussels.

In an article describing the ongoing ruthless purge of all right-wing sources and personalities from Wikipedia, a Dutch-language Belgian newspaper, Sceptr [Scepter], describes us as a "right-wing satirical website." (How far to the left must the comrades in Brussels have gone in order to see our truly Stalinist Party organ as "right-wing"?)

The ever-vigilant Komrad Silverman has done THE PEOPLE a great favor by korrektly identifying markings, disregarded by most wrong-thinking people, as simple utility worker symbols.

They are, in fact, secret and subversive codes of hatred, used by a world-wide conspiracy of fascists, known as the The Utility Workers’ Army, whose hidden agenda is Orange Supremacy.

Thanks to the eagle eye of Sarah Silverman, the secret signs of the Trump Nazi Illuminati have been exposed.

Orange is the new white.

Valentine Day in People’s Cube history

Dating a dictator can be a scary and dangerous endeavor. But it also offers an opportunity to meet the authoritarian oppressor of your dreams, provided that the proper precautions are taken. Whether you are a young starry-eyed Utopian or have been around the eastern bloc for a while, everyone can benefit from these tips and guidelines for safe dictator-dating procedures.

Nordstrom stores – among others – recently stopped carrying Ivanka Trump’s wares. They claim that this decision is not at all politically motivated, but strictly a result of lagging sales. Nordstrom swears their Ivanka Trump dump has nothing to do with a boycott campaign waged by a random marketing consultant, under the hashtag #GrabYourWallet.

The timing that Ivanka’s sales lagged around the same time her father became close to winning the election, which is also when the boycott campaign ramped up, but not a moment before, is purely coincidental.

Armed with a baseball bat and wearing a fashionable rioting unisex ensemble, Flat Antifa is looking for some fascism to smash.

Fascism is anything that Flat Antifa doesn’t understand. It needs to be smashed. Fascists are those who refuse to conform to Flat Antifa’s non-conformism. They need to be smashed.

Flat Antifa obtained these views in his/her extremely expensive school, and is prepared to swing his/her bat at anyone whom Flat Antifa’s extremely progressive professor defines as extremist.

Included on the list of things to smash are gender fascism, sexist fascism, racist fascism, homo-fascism, hetero-fascism, bi-fascism, trans-fascism, adult fascism, and parental fascism.

Help Flat Antifa find more fascism to smash.

Hooters announced today that they are preparing to hire 10,000 Muslim refugee women in a show of support to the immigrant community and in a display of solidarity with other American companies that have offered similar support.

Hooters joins the list of companies such as Starbucks, which has also offered to hire 10,000 refugees instead of veterans or unemployed Americans, as well as AirBNB, which has offered to house these immigrants.

Vladimir Putin deflated footballs used by the New England Patriots – it was revealed today by CNN.

This is the only way that they could have won the Superbowl.

It has been determined that he did it to make Trump’s team victorious. Women and minorities have been hardest hit by this latest defeat.

You may have seen the recent fake news that the Statue of Liberty was originally meant to be a womyn of the Religion of Peace:

ISLAMIC LADY LIBERTY: CBS CLAIMS STATUE OF LIBERTY WAS ORIGINALLY A MUSLIM WOMAN, ACCORDING TO "RESEARCHERS"

No word on whether her clitoris had been removed. All of which is Well and Good. But it only scratches the surface.

Outspoken comedian Sarah Silverman thinks that Trump voters are racist, she said yesterday while wearing blackface makeup to emphasize her point.

Later, after working herself up into some kind of frenzy, Silverman appeared to call for a military coup in a tweet, while protests against Breitbart editor Milo Yiannopoulos turned violent after Soros’ and the DNC’s minions attacked people with shovels and clubs while burning things and breaking windows.

‘WAKE UP & JOIN THE RESISTANCE. ONCE THE MILITARY IS W US FASCISTS GET OVERTHROWN. MAD KING & HIS HANDLERS GO BYE BYE,’ Silverman wrote.

Later she added: ‘We’re all gonna die…

"The carnage perpetrated in the academic torture-chambers of the mind leave students with the following sediment in their brains: existence is a jungle, fear is man’s permanent state, skepticism is the mark of maturity, cynicism is the mark of realism and, above all, the hallmark of an intellectual is the denial of the intellect. These ‘activists’ are so literally the products of modern philosophy that someone should cry to all the university administrations and faculties: ‘Brothers, you asked for it!’"

– Ayn Rand, 1965

Famous Tweets in chronological order:

– Moses – Jews for Social Justice & Against Moses – Pharaoh Seti of Egypt – King Xerxes of Persia – King Leonidas of Sparta – Thomas Jefferson – King George III – Abraham Lincoln – Franz Ferdinand of Austria-Hungary – Lee Harvey Oswald – Jimmy Carter

And more…

Beyonce has announced today that she is pregnant with two Donald Trump’s babies at once, with experts predicting that this may inadvertently set the tone for the entire Black History Month, which has just begun.

The 35-year-old singer was disappointed that her previous pregnancy photo on Instagram only gathered 6,831,636 likes, 17,000 tweets, and some anemic media coverage at such lame old news organizations as The New York Times, LA Times, US Weekly, Chicago Tribune, and similar media holdouts, with not a single picture or a word about her in places where it really counts – Breitbart, Fox News…

So that the Safe Space Cadets will not be unequal in their kultural wealth, I have created a new, politically-korrekt version of the (in)famous Gadsden Flag (*ptooey*). It will be raised every time there is a call to "arms" (for hugging).

I haven’t quite figured out yet what this flag should be called. The Thinskin Flag? The Hasbeen Flag? This humble Kommisar welcomes the contributions of the most equal masses for the christening dedication of this new…

Reciprocating Trump’s #MuslimBan, the CEO of Starbucks has vowed to start a campaign of discrimination against US citizens by hiring 10,000 Muslim refugees instead of the usual local applicants as baristas.

This, in turn, was immediately reciprocated by a call to #BoycottStarbucks by Trump supporters, who claim that Starbucks is an overhyped watering hole for pompous white Subaru-driving liberals in yoga pants. That is an outrageously divisive statement because it excludes unicyclists and Prius drivers, whose vehicles are equipped with three turn signals: a left turn signal, a right turn signal, and a supersized virtue signal.

There is a chart circulating the internet, showing the numbers of American citizens killed by Middle Easterners since 1975. The purpose of this chart is to persuade us that President Trump is banning people from the wrong countries.

Citizenship from these countries does not equal Muslim. But a travel ban of these countries’ citizens is a ban of all Muslims. We know that no Muslim would kill an American, because Islam is the Religion of Peace. According to this chart, Saudi Arabians are more dangerous than citizens of Iraq, Iran, Syria, Libya, Somalia, Sudan and Yemen. But we don’t really want Saudi Arabians to be banned, because it is a Muslim-majority…

After the tragic loss of life in the Quebec mosque shooting of January the 29th, it warms our hearts to witness the correct response we expect in such situations.

Major news outlets were quick to point out that the current prime suspect, a certain Mr. Buissonette, had serious mental issues and work-related traumas that may have caused him to act irrationally. To stress the "lone wolf" character of this attack, no links were made with other anti-Muslim actions or protests in the past that have no proven connection to this incident. To avoid stigmatising any demographic, prime minister Trudeau did not immediately describe this "event" as terrorism.

Calling out around the world, are you ready for a brand new protest? Trump is here and the time is right for protesting in the street!

Sister comrades, this is a call to arms (as long as they’re covered) to demand freedom and equal rights, to stand up to the illegitimate Trump/Hitler regime, to keep the rights to your body, and to fight against cultural imperialism – by wearing your instrument of resistance – the hijab!

Enclosed in your hijab, you can, in the name of women’s rights, proudly stand up and be a warrior against Trump’s War on Women. Join millions of like-minded women in smashing the patriarchy, achieving freedom from male domination and oppression, fighting for gender-justice, and checking (based on skin tone) your white privilege. It’s simple common sense: the Muslim veil is the only way to find true women’s liberation and equality.

Speaking to Harper’s Bazaar, Madonna described focusing on Trump’s image on the TV screen while casting magic spells as her agent and friend recited verses from the Quran.

"We were doing everything: lighting candles, meditating, praying, offering our lives to God, Allah, Satan, whomever – as long as they would shrink Trump into a hideous little monster and he would lose to Hillary," said Madonna.

In the end, her mystical witchcraft backfired. Trump defeated Clinton, and Madonna became a hideous little monster instead. Months later the transmogrified celebrity is still struggling to accept what has happened: "It’s like suddenly losing all my money and power, and also being stuck in a nightmare, but I repeat myself."

This feels like a pilot for an absurdist comedy, or at least a TV skit. Arrested Development comes to mind. The best part is Shia pleading "Be nice, people" and then screaming "f*king Nazis" at the top of his lungs to the people offscreen.

Turns out, they are the police and they soon take him away in handcuffs. He is quite docile at first, but as he is being led offscreen, he gets back into character and starts screaming "f*king Nazis" again.

If Shia sells the rights to this episode, that should probably cover the medical bill from the upcoming month in the rehab.?

It’s only Trump’s second full day on the job, and already he has drawn international criticism: in an executive order signed today, the new president has enrolled all members of ISIS into Obamacare, effective immediately.

Defending his decision, President Trump told reporters, "Look, I know it’s controversial, blah, blah, blah. But to me it’s genius. I’m gonna make ISIS go on Obamacare, and I’m going to make them pay for it. It’s what I campaigned on, and I’m gonna make it happen in the first 100 days."

In the U.S. Senate, Chuck Schumer rushed to a microphone. "We’re better than this…

Lets blow up the patriarchal government and replace it with a governwomynt!

Attending a Trumphitler protest?

That Guy Fawkes mask is "old hat!" (and a symbol of patriarchal oppression). Don’t be laughed at! Show your comrades just how revolutionary and equal you can be by wearing the latest thing in Protest-wear!

Madonna is more revolutionary, more nasty, more disease-ridden than that old… tired… BORING!, Guy Fawkes poseur!

But just like Guy Fawkes, she too wants to blow up the seat of government!!! Isn’t that cool?!!!

Available now at your local Protest Supplies store. Made in Pakistan. Ask about the special limited-edition with bonus vial of Madonna’s actual menstrual blood.

Iranian actress Taraneh Alidoosti has recently vowed to boycott the Academy Awards ceremony as a protest of Illegitimate President Donald Trump’s illegitimate proposal to illegitimately suspend visas for citizens of some African and Middle Eastern nations.

Alidoosti, who appears in the Oscar-nominated The Salesman, points out that foreign travelers to the United States have a right to come and go as they please without the illegitimate interference of the U.S. government. Her announcement has larger implications: we would be deprived of self-righteous tirades delivered with impeccable style by our betters.

Lawyers for Hillary Clinton today announced that they are initiating legal action against Satan for breach of contract.

They are demanding that he return the soul of Hillary Clinton who was promised the highest office in the land for her soul.

Satan’s representative, George Soros, declared that the promise was made in New York City and that she will have to settle for mayor.

Following yesterday’s Inauguration, half a million American women put on their pink "pussyhats" and marched on Washington, D.C., leaving an estimated 2.5 million starving, meowing cats in their homes completely unattended and deprived of their scheduled mandatory hugs and prolonged belly rubs.

Organized by Planned Parenthood, Council for American-Islamic Relations, the Communist Party, and other progressive movements, American women came to Donald Trump’s doorstep to express their anger, fury, indignation, and outrage over the fact that they can’t name a single right that men have and women don’t.

New lyrics – updated and improved:

That’s great it starts like an earthquake cargo snakes on aeroplane And Tammy Bruce is not afraid eye of a hurricane listen to the Dems churn World serves it’s own needs dummies serve your own needs Feeding off of faux speak grunts no strength The latter starts to clatter with fear fright down whites Why’re they on fire representing people’s gains In a government for hire and a left wing site Leftists west and dying in a hurry with the people breathing down your neck…

A Trump-hating protester set himself on fire last night outside the Trump International Hotel a few blocks from the White House in Washington, D.C. but failed to kill himself, according to reports.

The as yet unidentified 45-year-old Californian used an unidentified accelerant and a lighter in an unsuccessful attempt to flambe himself for social justice.

It was unclear if the man was insane or simply a very dedicated demonstrator. Given his disinclination to fully combust he is unlikely to have been an Eagle Scout.

A letter to all entertainers performing at Trump’s inauguration: We are the party of love. We’ve told you that over and over again, but you just don’t seem to get it, so we have no other choice but to send you this anonymous death threat. How DARE you reject our love? You JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND THAT WE WERE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER!!!! You forced our hand and now we must teach you that if you don’t do what we say, that means you don’t love us. And you’re supposed to love us. We are beautiful. We are kind. We are tolerant and inclusive and if you don’t agree with us, you must be silenced! We want to give ourselves to you, body and soul, BUT YOU JUST WON’T SEE IT AND GO OFF WHORING AFTER THAT BITCH!!!!!!

With just over 48 hours left of the Obama Administration, this is your last chance to remember if there is anything you might have done for which you need a pardon.

I’ll go first: My transgression and my cat’s transgression:

Years ago, Dear Leader’s glorious face graced the cover of the magazine Fast Company. I failed to frame it and put it on the wall so I could bow as I walked by. I left it on the couch… and my racist reichwing rethugiKKKan cat got sick all over the picture. Naturally, I mandated the cat to take eight weeks of diversity and sensitivity training…

President Obama awarded himself the prestigious, ‘Distinguished Public Service Medal’ on Wednesday, January 4th, 2017.

During his teary-eyed presentation speech, he referred to himself some 97 times while gloriously expounding on his many accomplishments, performances and outstanding golf games.

Through tears of joy during the acceptance speech, he referred to himself another 163 times expounding upon his many successes and how smart he is.

We breathlessly await more medals of this type to be awarded to Barack Obama.

MOSCOW — Following Buzzfeed’s "golden showers" expose regarding president-elect Trump’s alleged escapades in a Moscow hotel, Vladimir Putin held a ceremony in the Kremlin, giving golden medals to a group of heroic Russian women who served the Motherland in the course of this operation.

"Trump has been organizing beauty pageants, hanging out with beautiful women who had gone through medical examination. Why would he leave them for unvetted females with a lowered sense of social responsibility?" he said. "Unless they are highly trained and thoroughly examined operatives with a heightened sense of social responsibility and patriotism, like this group here."

Don’t miss this post-election fire sale as the Clinton Foundation closes its doors and lays off its non-unionized employees. Everything & everyone must go! br /> – All starving Third-World children are half off, barely used. – Deep discounts on African and Middle Eastern dictators. – Speaking fees now only $20,000. – No refunds on pre-election deposits. – Government influence all sold out. – Uranium deals by appointment only. – Now available in all totalitarian states.

A behind the scenes look at how Pee-Gate really happened.

We have long known that right-wing people are better looking, smarter, happier, and even have a better sex life without demanding that the government pays for their contraceptives.

No one knew how to effectively argue that fact, deny it, rationalize it, or turn it into an asset – until now. A groundbreaking scientific research has finally answered the most puzzling question of the Universe: Why would anyone in their right mind ever vote for a right-winger?

As a side effect, scientists also explained that people’s right-wing politics stem from their beauty, talent, ability, strength, and well-being, which also signals…

I raise a tin cup of glorious beet vodka (with a splash of tractor fuel) to the imaginary hookers.

Once again the mainstream media is trickling out details, one drip at a time…But I’m puzzled. People PAY to get their beds wet? I know some folks with pure talent.

This just in: The search for prostitutes who peed on Obama’s bed has been narrowed down to one suspect…

The People’s Cube entry has just been purged from Wikipedia. Congratulations, comrades. We are now officially a non-site populated by non-persons sharing non-thoughts and making non-jokes. It makes me feel right at home, back in the Soviet Union, where an invisible hand obstructed any of my efforts to manifest my existence. How liberating. No visibility means no responsibility. Out of sight, out of mind.

As a linguistic experiment, scientists once had "out of sight, out of mind" translated into Russian and then back into English. The phrase returned as "invisible lunatics." That’s who we are now. No need to think now, non-people. The Wiki-progs have turned us into invisible lunatics.

Announcing Volume 1 Number 1 of TRUMPIAN HORRORS – the new, hip, retro-pulp fiction magazine for Cis Males, Cis Men, Trans Males, …and Androgynes …who are feeling a little bit on the butch side today.

Each month (or whenever we get around to it — publishing schedules are racist), TRUMPIAN HORRORS will bring you gripping fictionalized accounts (but NOT FAKE NEWS!) of the latest sickening atrocities inflicted upon the the U.S., the world, the Universe, and beyond by The Evil TrumpHitler.

Headline story (and Trigger Warning!) in our premier issue: I WAS FORCED TO SING AT TRUMPS INAUGURATION, the true story of a poor, but talented, single-mother, 1/16th Native American, trans-questioning, Chicago civil servant whom The TrumpHitler implacably forced to compromise her sterling liberal values to croon for The TrumpHitler’s drooling delight while suffering the humiliation of the leering eyes of TrumpHitler’s Deplorables Squads (with assistance by Russian hackers).

Dear President Obama,

I would like to take the time to honestly thank you from the bottom of my heart for having a huge hand in creating the greatest age for satire that the world has ever seen. But aside from that, there is so much more to be thankful for.

I believe that I also speak for countless college-educated people when I say that during the dusk of your presidency we should take the time to list some of the amazing things you have done and to reflect upon them.

When we first saw this headline, we thought it was yet another satirical spoof about Snopes, similar to our own previous exploits: Snopes Co-Founder Embezzles $98,000, Drops Weight, Leaves Fat Wife And Marries Actual Whore

Turns out, this is a true story, fully backed by Daily Mail. But first, let’s step back a little. We’ve had a few spates with Snopes in the past. It was all fun and games when Snopes co-founder David Mikkelson first debunked our story about Rosie O’Donnell getting a tramp stamp with ISIS flag to support Islamic ‘freedom fighters’…

On Wednesday, President Obama added another prestigious medal to his Nobel Prize collection when he had Defense Secretary Ash Carter award him the Department of Defense Medal for Distinguished Public Service.

??If ?this caught you by surprise, you’re not alone. Most Americans had no idea that the Pentagon ?had such an ?award??.? Additionally, you may not be aware that several countries are ?also expected to ?invite? president ?Obama ?to medal ceremonies in appreciation of his many stellar contributions.

25 years ago George Bush Sr. was still in office, and so was Saddam Hussein. The European Union didn’t exist and neither did China’s economic powerhouse. The Berlin wall had just come down and Germany had finally reunited. Hillary Clinton was a little-known mouthy First Lady of Arkansas and the media gleefully predicted that Donald Trump would never climb back to the top after his Atlantic City fiasco.

On the other side of the Iron Curtain, the Eastern bloc was in shambles, but the USSR was still standing with Mikhail Gorbachev at the helm. The KGB meddled in other countries’ affairs as usual, spreading "fake news" and helping leftist politicians with no objections from the Western media…

The Wikipedia page about the People’s Cube may be purged in a few days and we’ll become a non-site unless we take action.

There is an ongoing Wikipedia discussion / show trial, in which you can vote for or against deleting the People’s Cube for being "unworthy" to grace the pages of Wikipedia. You can add your two kopeks to the discussion here:

Wikipedia:Articles for deletion/The People’s Cube

First the reason for deletion was "confrontational language." Then it was phony "copyright issues." Now they question our "noteworthiness." This is plain harassment and trolling.

In this New Year edition of No News – Good News we are happy to inform our readers that the following things did not occur this year:

– FBI: Santa disclosed naughty list on WikiLeaks, "Helped Trump win election"; Obama expels Rudolph, Prancer, Vixen, and 35 elves in retaliation – California builds wall to keep out Trump supporters – Bernie supporters stunned there is no socialist Santa Claus, vow to continue demanding free chocolate cookies, milk – Washington Post sues Internet for infringing on "fake news" business – Controversy in the lab: white mold excludes black mold; Harvard biologist blames "Petri dish cultures of hate" – Scientific News: Long after 1961 burial physicists uncertain Schrodinger is dead – Sexed-up Mother Russia becomes Milf Russia; Motherland renamed into Milfland on Putin’s orders…

By popular demand, we have made two versions of this design – cute and rebellious – pick whichever feels more "deplorable" to you.

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[jsmill]

POLITICAL HUMOR & SATIRE

Poor Me is a magazine dedicated to people who see themselves as victims. Read the new Trump-Comey edition – their thickest issue to date.

Challenges of being a drama queen in the age of Trump. Experts: "Competition is fierce."

IN THIS ISSUE:

March against fascism ends with 400,000 fewer deaths than expectedHillary to victims: "poison the wells, scorch the earth"Kathy Griffin: From woke to broke in one easy stepTop 10 methods to make the world feel guilty and apologizeLeBron James needs a day without white people: "No matter how much money I have, I’m still as paranoid as a homeless drug addict"Is everything Trump’s fault? Ask an expert!

EXCLUSIVE – Closed session: Comey, 56, demonstrates on doll where he feared Trump was going to touch him.

Many years ago Nancy Pelosi bravely said, "We have to pass the bill to know what’s in it." But even after it was passed, no one has ever read the Affordable Care Act in its entirety; it is so large that it has its own gravitational field.

In a dramatic stroke of brilliance and keen journalistic instinct, or perhaps outright laziness, we decided to start from the back. Here’s what we found.

Hospital stays exceeding two days require patient-provided bedpans and light bulbs.Co-pays are now tracked by as a Wall Street investment index.Half off Abortion-Tuesdays at Family Dollar stores everywhere.The term “deductibles” is omitted from the medical lexicon in favor of “insurer’s fair share.”Malpractice lawsuits shall be known as “pulling the ‘ol Okey-Dokey.”A 20% tip automatically added to prescription drug purchases.School lunch programs shall include Soylent Green Fridays.

As a member of the white male hetero Christian class my peoples have been ruling the world far to long. It is only fitting that I and my ilk get a taste of our own medicine and accept our demotion in exchange for the promotion of the victim class. The only thing my peoples can do to alleviate our deserved pains is to sacrifice our place willingly and eagerly. We shall vocally praise the oppressed, admit our sins and accept our lashings. When we are ordered to leave our campuses because of our whiteness we shall do so with a smile. When we are reminded of our privilege we shall accept it with a tear. Equality before the law is not the goal. Lady Justice is not blind, comrade. Her eyes are open and her scales are now tipped accordingly. That is the "Democratic Ideal" for which we now must live.

Early this morning President Trump challenged the nation to discover the true meaning of "covfefe."

We accepted the challenge and we’re pretty sure we have figured it out.

Just some pictures and headlines:

– Kathy Griffin mistakenly beheads Alec Baldwin in Trump costume; nobody cares.

– Islamic State disavows Kathy Griffin, pleads with her to "chill the f@#& out"

– ISIS Condemns Kathy Griffin For Cultural Appropriation

etc.

An academic study from researchers at Brunel University London assessed 171 men, looking at their height, weight, overall physical strength and bicep circumference, along with their views on redistribution of wealth and income inequality. The study, published in the Evolution and Human Behavior journal, ​found that weaker men were more likely to favor socialist policies than stronger men.

Back when I lived in New York I went shopping for a modern-looking microfiber jacket suitable for cool weather. I visited a dozen boutique stores in Manhattan, trying on a variety of nice-looking jackets. None of them fit me in the chest. Even if I was able to zip them up over my chest, I couldn’t move my arms…

A recently found 1,200-year-old fossil is giving anthropologists new insights into a warrior-like, bipedal masculine human specimen they have identified as Testiculus Englishmanus, a mysterious ancestor of modern-day British men.

The remains were discovered in Wessex, at the site of the historic Battle of Edington (present-day Wiltshire), where in May, 878 AD, patriotic Anglo-Saxons defeated "The Heathen Army" of the Viking invaders, leading to the eventual liberation and unification of England.

The 6 foot-long fossil reveals that the extinct early man of England possessed two large working testicles, which shatters all modern theories about the origins of today’s residents of the British Isles.

The world’s best known dealmaker-turned-president showed that when it comes to real estate, nobody out-negotiates the Trumpster.

The president met briefly with Pope Francis, whom Trump described as a "…very, very nice man. Very hospitable," before agreeing on a price for the Vatican.

Subjects discussed by the two leaders included the environment, world peace, religious tolerance, and property values.

"After a little going back and forth, I finally asked His Holiness what he wanted for the Vatican. He made an offer, but you know how deals are, he started low and I started high," Trump told the accredited media shortly afterwards.

Do you hate Donald Trump?

Is your lifelong dream to destroy his presidency? Do you live for nothing else these days?

Are you looking for a flexible job that requires little effort while allowing you to be as outrageous as you want? Do you enjoy throwing stuff at the wall and watching it slide down to the floor leaving a trail of slime?

Then mainstream media outlets, especially the New York Times and Washington Post, would like to offer you a position as an ANONYMOUS SOURCE!

Harvard University has written a new dress code that defines ties, a traditional male dress accessory, as a symbol of oppression, chauvinism, and hate speech. The decision came after a women’s rights group petitioned the school board to ban neckties, claiming that students have been triggered by seeing such a “flamboyant and offensive” micro-aggression carried around even by their own professors.

Immediately after the board’s decision, a mass email was sent to all students and faculty of the new dress code, stating that if the new policy was disobeyed it could bring about “serious consequences” including expulsion.

Komrades, I made this little vid where Ragnar Lothbrok gets a glimpse of his people’s nightmarish future that is 21st century Sweden.

It has no major spoilers from the show "Vikings".

French PM candidate Emmanuel Macron has proposed a new initiative, the "Fair Redistribution of Terror in Europe Program," that he hopes will revive his faltering campaign days before France’s voters go the polls.

"It is unfair that France and other enlightened nations that open their borders to Muslim refugees, must suffer the most from Islamic terrorism," Macron said at a campaign rally on Monday. "As a fair-minded person, I am saddened and outraged that less enlightened nations, especially Poland, who close their borders to Muslim migrants, get to enjoy terror-free existence…

For thousands of years, since the end of the Ice Age, international workers gathered in their caves on May Day to organize, protest, and represent. They sat around bonfires chanting Party-approved slogans and denouncing U.S. imperialism.

Every year the changing Current Truth called for different slogans, which were promptly provided to the masses by this glorious Party Organ. And this year is no different. See the most current, updated, and expanded list of slogans for May Day 2017.

– Make America small again!

A sad day today. The People’s Climate Marches in both Denver and Colorado Springs today had to be cancelled because of snow.

I demand a Congressional investigation. Surely Trump has colluded with the Russians to hack our weather in order to make those of us on the side of Truth, Justice and The Socialist Way look bad.

And to think the Russians used to be our friends…

Winter Blast Putting Climate Protests On Ice In Colorado…

Fearless Girl has gotten a little cocky since she stood up to the Wall Street bull – that symbol of financial optimism and prosperity. So brash in fact that she’s graduated from turning this bull into a steer and now takes her intimidation on the road.

Her search for other icons that she can threaten with her icy stare and bravado is taking her on a world-wide excursion. We’ve captured the best moments in this photo essay as FG traveled the globe.

As the world community senses the looming destruction of our planet by Trump’s imperial knowledge-rejecting regime, scientists all over the globe stand up and say No pasaran!

On April 22, and the battlecry of Earth Day resounding through the canyons of our metropoles, Science will march in the front row!

Physicists – Relentlessly Smash Inequality of Atoms!

Chemists – Boldly create New Matter out of Equalized Atoms!

Mathematicians – Progressive Gender-Awareness NOW!

Climatists – Seize the Rudder in the Glorious March of Science!

MIT Press is out with a new book that teaches children the tenets of Karl Marx with fairy tales.

The little girl’s armpit hair is especially disturbing. I understand it must be a nod to feminism, and far be it from me to dictate rules of body hygiene to any women and their consenting partners.

The reason it’s disturbing is because little girls don’t have armpit hair.

So the book’s authors either have never had children themselves and forgot their own childhood, or they are perverts who fantasize about a world where little girls have armpit hair or where adult women with armpit hair look, dress, and behave like little girls and break things they don’t or won’t understand.

In 1988 we told the world that "We only have ten years left to save the planet."

In 1989, our wonderful comrades at the United [in Marxism] Nations decreed the same thing.

Then during the 2000 election season our Holy Prophet Who Has Never Been Wrong, Al Gorski (Muslim name: al-goreeza) issued a fatwa that we only had ten years left to save the planet.

Nobody listened. George Bush [spit, spit] won stole the election and the planet’s environmental destruction continued.

So, in 2006, prophet al-goreeza issued another fatwa…

Life is complicated these days, and there’s just so much outrage to absorb your time. You may be like many Americans, and just not sure what you should be outraged about and which side to pick.

But wait no longer! Simply download the free People’s Current Truth App™ and you’ll be officially in the know. Whether it’s Cecil, Harambe, Bush, or Trump, you’ll receive timely updates with clear instructions on…

What to be angry about! When to feel triggered! Which side to choose! When to choose the other side! How to vent your righteous anger! Where to go for t-shirts and matching placards! Soros funding locator! Progressive social media protest calendaring function!

United Airlines will not be beat, even if you take their seat.

Previously, airlines were required to pay passengers four times their ticket price if they were more than 4 hours late, but United now has a deal beater.

If they need a passenger’s seat, they will simply beat them and drag them from the plane.

This way, they keep costs low for the little people, while kicking the teeth in of uppity, fancy doctors.

Tears of Social Justice Warriors IVANKA TRUMP BUSINESS SAVVY Entrepreneurial skills showcased

Now that Ivanka Trump’s perfume has seen a sales explosion due to, of all things, retail outlets removing the brand from their shelves, Ms Trump has been looking to further incorporate irritated liberals in her business strategy.

Retailers did not consider the fact that the vast majority of liberal women don’t enjoy smelling pleasant, so any move related to perfume inventory would go unnoticed by this demographic…

Every year on April First, internationally known as The Current Truth Day, all progressive humanity celebrates the People’s Cube’s glorious anniversary. Twelve years ago today, on April 1, 2005, this Party Organ was launched out of an undisclosed bunker and swiftly rose over the horizon like the red hexahedron-shaped sun of the revolution, bringing the light of Party-approved thought straight out of the Motherland to the toiling masses of the darkened, non-socialist parts of planet Earth.

Comrade hippies at the HealiUm Art Center in Atlanta, GA, have come up with a creative plan to heal our divided nation. Mocking Donald Trump’s book title, The Art of the Deal, they named their project The Art of The Heal, calling everyone who self-identifies as being an artist to create over 100,000 pieces of art to send to the White House by July 4th, 2017: "Gift the collective art to the President with a request to display the gifted art pieces in the White House for public viewing."

San Francisco, CA — 81 year old Cynthia Cunningham was hospitalized during the early morning hours today after she was found barely conscious in Target department store women’s restroom. The elderly woman fell into a toilet becoming lodged in the public commode when the seat that Cunningham attempted to use was left up.

According to the victim’s family, Cunningham went missing last night after she went into town to buy her grandson a birthday card and a video game. The frail customer with poor eyesight and a weak bladder was recorded on security cameras rushing into the restroom a half-hour before the store closed only to not emerge until EMTs carried her out…

Step right up!

Get your London Edition of Terror Response Bingo here!

To play, keep the card by your computer as you read the news and social media reaction to the attack.

When you see something in the news or on social media that matches something on the card, check it off!

Welcome to the People’s Cube clearing house for all the latest, scandalous, fascist, and Russian outrages of the Trump administration.

What is the latest, breathless, gotta-tell-it-now scandal that defies credulity?

DID YOU KNOW that Neil Gorsuch may have taken his Bar Exam with one shoe untied? Can you believe he’s actually being considered for the Supreme Court?

DID YOU KNOW that Jim Sessions may have worn a WHITE pocket square folded with a POINTY TOP? Yeah, that’s not racist (sarcasm)! And they say Trump…

"A Day Without Sobriety" campaign gains momentum in the Motherland.

Concerned that Russians don’t consume enough alcohol in the month of March, Russia’s Orthodox Church has now made St. Patrick’s Day​ an official holiday over the country’s enormous territory.

Because the Orthodox Church’s calendar is two weeks behind the Western calendar, the celebration is being scheduled on March 30th, almost two weeks after the drinking has wrapped up in the rest of the world. This means that Russia’s 143 million-strong population will be carousing on the 17th when everyone else does it, and then on the 30th…

In joining the fun of a "Day Without" campaign I am starting a new "Day Without" campaign called "A Day Without a Day Without" campaign.

I know it is hard to imagine living a day without being reminded of the sensitivities and abuses faced by our perpetually aggrieved brethren but I am in desperate need of "A Day Without Guilt."

After my "A Day Without A Day Without" campaign I am proposing some additional "Day Without" campaigns to fill our annual calendars. Please help me complete our 365 day schedule.

Dear oppressed women and non-women who identify as females!

On this wonderful spring holiday the Party takes a day off from the usual revolutionary struggle in order to celebrate all the international contributions to social justice made by self-identified female-gendered persons and wishes for them to crush their oppressors anywhere they can find them – and get even!

Remember: 50% of the world’s population has 100% of the Y-chromosomes and 91% of the testosterone. #SMASH FASCIST TESTICLES!

We will never have a truly equal society until we can eliminate Penis Envy by eliminating the penis. #All GENITALS BELONG TO THE STATE!

To go along with Disney’s re-envisioning of Beauty and the Beast, and their new show Princes, they’ve also released a new children’s cartoon – perfect for the kids to watch while eating their cereal during Saturday morning prime time.

A hundred years ago (April 6, 1917) America entered World War I. The prevailing media messaging of the time was captured in these war propaganda posters.

Things have changed in the last hundred years, and so has the media messaging. This raises some questions:

Who comes up with this new messaging? Who is the target? What is it aimed to accomplish? And can a nation survive this mindset if it prevails? Could any nation survive it?

Because while the messaging has changed, the world hasn’t…

If today’s New York Times editors had been in charge in 1917 (strumming harp music)…

A likely illegal publication of a private German telegram to culturally diverse Hispanic and Oriental leaders causes rage, Teutophobia among white alt-right U.S. nationalists

The questionably legal publication of a private German telegram has some alt-right conspiracy buffs attributing the worst possible motives to the German government.

The telegram, which legal experts caution may be illegal for citizens to read…

Today’s lesson: how to condescend to minorities and still score liberal points

This photo, initially posted on Reddit, has quickly become viral. An unnamed teacher in Massachusetts, believing that her students were as shocked by Trump’s election as she was, posted these equality-enforcement proclamations on the classroom wall.

It must be very reassuring for "Latino(a)" students to see a daily reminder that they are not rapists or drug dealers. The same goes for Muslim students who supposedly need to be reminded that they are not terrorists in case they forget. Black students are probably expected to feel grateful for being sheltered from certain death that lurks outside; paranoia is always good for morale.

It is the dawn of the Trump era. The deep state, also known as "a state within a state" is in danger of being drained. In Washington, DC, an elite group of career government bureaucrats bands together to issue the squeal of a lifetime.

The sabotage of Trump and his troops serves as the backdrop for the gripping story about self-serving pen pushers who put the entire country’s future on the line to defend their swamp, trough, and the deep state from Trump’s swamp-draining forces.

Despite inconclusive evidence and ignoring the possible ramifications, the deep state orders the attack…

Each February, film fans around the world turn their attention to the Academy Awards called "The Oscars." But this year is different. "The movies" we so love and cherish have given way to astonishing performances right here on our streets – free of charge! We’ve saturated ourselves with popcorn while watching entertaining "snowflake" routines since Election Day, and it only gets better.

Buy movie tickets? Why! We’ve got free entertainment! We’ve watched more liberal meltdowns on YouTube than movies. We get excited and well… forget the cinema! I’m staying home to watch the liberals!

Comrade Psychiatrist is unhappy with Mr. Trump’s "delusional reformism."

American progressives have been enamored with many Soviet ideas in their time, trying to transplant them to the U.S. – from government diktat and central planning to academic indoctrination and propaganda through entertainment. And while the Soviet Union has gone the way of the dodo, its glorious socialist legacy is still up for the picking.

One of these unparalleled Soviet achievements is the use of psychiatry to silence dissent and delegitimize political opposition…

The word “haters” is a very loaded term, and a nonsensical one to boot. The left-wing Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC), for example, claims to be the ultimate arbiter of “hate,” “haters,” “hate groups,” and “hate crimes.” This 501(c)(3) nonprofit collects handsome sums of money under the pretext of keeping what they call a hatewatch. At the end of 2016 their endowment stood at $302.8 million. That means they have a direct financial interest in painting a picture of a widespread organized hatred in the United States, which “proves” their importance and scares the donors into parting with even more of their money.

With all the Days of Resistance and Days Without Some Victim Group we’ve had lately, and will continue to have for the next four years—or until He Who Shall Not Be Named Because That Only Legitimizes and Worse, Humanizes Him—is impeached—it’s clear we need to set aside another Day, this one to demand paid leave for protesting. We shall call it the People’s Paid Protest Leave, or PPPL™ for short.

Because this is about People. People who care. People who are fighting fascism. People who want only to take back the democracy that last November 8th was ripped from us as if we were raped—which, in a sense, we were.

Is it just me, or do you also wonder how liberals can possibly function, let alone win elections? This lump in their heads, they refer to it as a mind, is made of absurdities, inconsistencies and contradictions. How is possible to hold so many mutually exclusive beliefs?

The fact is, there’s a method to their insanity and sane people will keep losing to the insane unless they understand what that method is.

Let’s take love and hate. Scientists have discovered that both love and hate originate in the same nervous circuits in the brain.

I’m not sure if this has been picked up in America but our UK press are reporting that President Trump was "bashing" the BBC.

‘Here’s another beauty’: Donald Trump bashes the BBC again in heated back-and-forth with ‘impartial free and fair’ reporter Jon Sopel during bizarre White House press conference

– President said ‘Here’s another beauty’ after asking Jon Sopel where he was from – North America editor replied ‘It’s a good line’, adding: ‘Impartial, free and fair’

Our correspondent in Belgium, Comrade Minitrue, has sent us a transmission about the growing prominence of the People’s Cube in the European Union of Soviet Socialist Republics (EUSSR) and its glorious capital, Brussels.

In an article describing the ongoing ruthless purge of all right-wing sources and personalities from Wikipedia, a Dutch-language Belgian newspaper, Sceptr [Scepter], describes us as a "right-wing satirical website." (How far to the left must the comrades in Brussels have gone in order to see our truly Stalinist Party organ as "right-wing"?)

The ever-vigilant Komrad Silverman has done THE PEOPLE a great favor by korrektly identifying markings, disregarded by most wrong-thinking people, as simple utility worker symbols.

They are, in fact, secret and subversive codes of hatred, used by a world-wide conspiracy of fascists, known as the The Utility Workers’ Army, whose hidden agenda is Orange Supremacy.

Thanks to the eagle eye of Sarah Silverman, the secret signs of the Trump Nazi Illuminati have been exposed.

Orange is the new white.

Valentine Day in People’s Cube history

Dating a dictator can be a scary and dangerous endeavor. But it also offers an opportunity to meet the authoritarian oppressor of your dreams, provided that the proper precautions are taken. Whether you are a young starry-eyed Utopian or have been around the eastern bloc for a while, everyone can benefit from these tips and guidelines for safe dictator-dating procedures.

Nordstrom stores – among others – recently stopped carrying Ivanka Trump’s wares. They claim that this decision is not at all politically motivated, but strictly a result of lagging sales. Nordstrom swears their Ivanka Trump dump has nothing to do with a boycott campaign waged by a random marketing consultant, under the hashtag #GrabYourWallet.

The timing that Ivanka’s sales lagged around the same time her father became close to winning the election, which is also when the boycott campaign ramped up, but not a moment before, is purely coincidental.

Armed with a baseball bat and wearing a fashionable rioting unisex ensemble, Flat Antifa is looking for some fascism to smash.

Fascism is anything that Flat Antifa doesn’t understand. It needs to be smashed. Fascists are those who refuse to conform to Flat Antifa’s non-conformism. They need to be smashed.

Flat Antifa obtained these views in his/her extremely expensive school, and is prepared to swing his/her bat at anyone whom Flat Antifa’s extremely progressive professor defines as extremist.

Included on the list of things to smash are gender fascism, sexist fascism, racist fascism, homo-fascism, hetero-fascism, bi-fascism, trans-fascism, adult fascism, and parental fascism.

Help Flat Antifa find more fascism to smash.

Hooters announced today that they are preparing to hire 10,000 Muslim refugee women in a show of support to the immigrant community and in a display of solidarity with other American companies that have offered similar support.

Hooters joins the list of companies such as Starbucks, which has also offered to hire 10,000 refugees instead of veterans or unemployed Americans, as well as AirBNB, which has offered to house these immigrants.

Vladimir Putin deflated footballs used by the New England Patriots – it was revealed today by CNN.

This is the only way that they could have won the Superbowl.

It has been determined that he did it to make Trump’s team victorious. Women and minorities have been hardest hit by this latest defeat.

You may have seen the recent fake news that the Statue of Liberty was originally meant to be a womyn of the Religion of Peace:

ISLAMIC LADY LIBERTY: CBS CLAIMS STATUE OF LIBERTY WAS ORIGINALLY A MUSLIM WOMAN, ACCORDING TO "RESEARCHERS"

No word on whether her clitoris had been removed. All of which is Well and Good. But it only scratches the surface.

Outspoken comedian Sarah Silverman thinks that Trump voters are racist, she said yesterday while wearing blackface makeup to emphasize her point.

Later, after working herself up into some kind of frenzy, Silverman appeared to call for a military coup in a tweet, while protests against Breitbart editor Milo Yiannopoulos turned violent after Soros’ and the DNC’s minions attacked people with shovels and clubs while burning things and breaking windows.

‘WAKE UP & JOIN THE RESISTANCE. ONCE THE MILITARY IS W US FASCISTS GET OVERTHROWN. MAD KING & HIS HANDLERS GO BYE BYE,’ Silverman wrote.

Later she added: ‘We’re all gonna die…

"The carnage perpetrated in the academic torture-chambers of the mind leave students with the following sediment in their brains: existence is a jungle, fear is man’s permanent state, skepticism is the mark of maturity, cynicism is the mark of realism and, above all, the hallmark of an intellectual is the denial of the intellect. These ‘activists’ are so literally the products of modern philosophy that someone should cry to all the university administrations and faculties: ‘Brothers, you asked for it!’"

– Ayn Rand, 1965

Famous Tweets in chronological order:

– Moses – Jews for Social Justice & Against Moses – Pharaoh Seti of Egypt – King Xerxes of Persia – King Leonidas of Sparta – Thomas Jefferson – King George III – Abraham Lincoln – Franz Ferdinand of Austria-Hungary – Lee Harvey Oswald – Jimmy Carter

And more…

Beyonce has announced today that she is pregnant with two Donald Trump’s babies at once, with experts predicting that this may inadvertently set the tone for the entire Black History Month, which has just begun.

The 35-year-old singer was disappointed that her previous pregnancy photo on Instagram only gathered 6,831,636 likes, 17,000 tweets, and some anemic media coverage at such lame old news organizations as The New York Times, LA Times, US Weekly, Chicago Tribune, and similar media holdouts, with not a single picture or a word about her in places where it really counts – Breitbart, Fox News…

So that the Safe Space Cadets will not be unequal in their kultural wealth, I have created a new, politically-korrekt version of the (in)famous Gadsden Flag (*ptooey*). It will be raised every time there is a call to "arms" (for hugging).

I haven’t quite figured out yet what this flag should be called. The Thinskin Flag? The Hasbeen Flag? This humble Kommisar welcomes the contributions of the most equal masses for the christening dedication of this new…

Reciprocating Trump’s #MuslimBan, the CEO of Starbucks has vowed to start a campaign of discrimination against US citizens by hiring 10,000 Muslim refugees instead of the usual local applicants as baristas.

This, in turn, was immediately reciprocated by a call to #BoycottStarbucks by Trump supporters, who claim that Starbucks is an overhyped watering hole for pompous white Subaru-driving liberals in yoga pants. That is an outrageously divisive statement because it excludes unicyclists and Prius drivers, whose vehicles are equipped with three turn signals: a left turn signal, a right turn signal, and a supersized virtue signal.

There is a chart circulating the internet, showing the numbers of American citizens killed by Middle Easterners since 1975. The purpose of this chart is to persuade us that President Trump is banning people from the wrong countries.

Citizenship from these countries does not equal Muslim. But a travel ban of these countries’ citizens is a ban of all Muslims. We know that no Muslim would kill an American, because Islam is the Religion of Peace. According to this chart, Saudi Arabians are more dangerous than citizens of Iraq, Iran, Syria, Libya, Somalia, Sudan and Yemen. But we don’t really want Saudi Arabians to be banned, because it is a Muslim-majority…

After the tragic loss of life in the Quebec mosque shooting of January the 29th, it warms our hearts to witness the correct response we expect in such situations.

Major news outlets were quick to point out that the current prime suspect, a certain Mr. Buissonette, had serious mental issues and work-related traumas that may have caused him to act irrationally. To stress the "lone wolf" character of this attack, no links were made with other anti-Muslim actions or protests in the past that have no proven connection to this incident. To avoid stigmatising any demographic, prime minister Trudeau did not immediately describe this "event" as terrorism.

Calling out around the world, are you ready for a brand new protest? Trump is here and the time is right for protesting in the street!

Sister comrades, this is a call to arms (as long as they’re covered) to demand freedom and equal rights, to stand up to the illegitimate Trump/Hitler regime, to keep the rights to your body, and to fight against cultural imperialism – by wearing your instrument of resistance – the hijab!

Enclosed in your hijab, you can, in the name of women’s rights, proudly stand up and be a warrior against Trump’s War on Women. Join millions of like-minded women in smashing the patriarchy, achieving freedom from male domination and oppression, fighting for gender-justice, and checking (based on skin tone) your white privilege. It’s simple common sense: the Muslim veil is the only way to find true women’s liberation and equality.

Speaking to Harper’s Bazaar, Madonna described focusing on Trump’s image on the TV screen while casting magic spells as her agent and friend recited verses from the Quran.

"We were doing everything: lighting candles, meditating, praying, offering our lives to God, Allah, Satan, whomever – as long as they would shrink Trump into a hideous little monster and he would lose to Hillary," said Madonna.

In the end, her mystical witchcraft backfired. Trump defeated Clinton, and Madonna became a hideous little monster instead. Months later the transmogrified celebrity is still struggling to accept what has happened: "It’s like suddenly losing all my money and power, and also being stuck in a nightmare, but I repeat myself."

This feels like a pilot for an absurdist comedy, or at least a TV skit. Arrested Development comes to mind. The best part is Shia pleading "Be nice, people" and then screaming "f*king Nazis" at the top of his lungs to the people offscreen.

Turns out, they are the police and they soon take him away in handcuffs. He is quite docile at first, but as he is being led offscreen, he gets back into character and starts screaming "f*king Nazis" again.

If Shia sells the rights to this episode, that should probably cover the medical bill from the upcoming month in the rehab.?

It’s only Trump’s second full day on the job, and already he has drawn international criticism: in an executive order signed today, the new president has enrolled all members of ISIS into Obamacare, effective immediately.

Defending his decision, President Trump told reporters, "Look, I know it’s controversial, blah, blah, blah. But to me it’s genius. I’m gonna make ISIS go on Obamacare, and I’m going to make them pay for it. It’s what I campaigned on, and I’m gonna make it happen in the first 100 days."

In the U.S. Senate, Chuck Schumer rushed to a microphone. "We’re better than this…

Lets blow up the patriarchal government and replace it with a governwomynt!

Attending a Trumphitler protest?

That Guy Fawkes mask is "old hat!" (and a symbol of patriarchal oppression). Don’t be laughed at! Show your comrades just how revolutionary and equal you can be by wearing the latest thing in Protest-wear!

Madonna is more revolutionary, more nasty, more disease-ridden than that old… tired… BORING!, Guy Fawkes poseur!

But just like Guy Fawkes, she too wants to blow up the seat of government!!! Isn’t that cool?!!!

Available now at your local Protest Supplies store. Made in Pakistan. Ask about the special limited-edition with bonus vial of Madonna’s actual menstrual blood.

Iranian actress Taraneh Alidoosti has recently vowed to boycott the Academy Awards ceremony as a protest of Illegitimate President Donald Trump’s illegitimate proposal to illegitimately suspend visas for citizens of some African and Middle Eastern nations.

Alidoosti, who appears in the Oscar-nominated The Salesman, points out that foreign travelers to the United States have a right to come and go as they please without the illegitimate interference of the U.S. government. Her announcement has larger implications: we would be deprived of self-righteous tirades delivered with impeccable style by our betters.

Lawyers for Hillary Clinton today announced that they are initiating legal action against Satan for breach of contract.

They are demanding that he return the soul of Hillary Clinton who was promised the highest office in the land for her soul.

Satan’s representative, George Soros, declared that the promise was made in New York City and that she will have to settle for mayor.

Following yesterday’s Inauguration, half a million American women put on their pink "pussyhats" and marched on Washington, D.C., leaving an estimated 2.5 million starving, meowing cats in their homes completely unattended and deprived of their scheduled mandatory hugs and prolonged belly rubs.

Organized by Planned Parenthood, Council for American-Islamic Relations, the Communist Party, and other progressive movements, American women came to Donald Trump’s doorstep to express their anger, fury, indignation, and outrage over the fact that they can’t name a single right that men have and women don’t.

New lyrics – updated and improved:

That’s great it starts like an earthquake cargo snakes on aeroplane And Tammy Bruce is not afraid eye of a hurricane listen to the Dems churn World serves it’s own needs dummies serve your own needs Feeding off of faux speak grunts no strength The latter starts to clatter with fear fright down whites Why’re they on fire representing people’s gains In a government for hire and a left wing site Leftists west and dying in a hurry with the people breathing down your neck…

A Trump-hating protester set himself on fire last night outside the Trump International Hotel a few blocks from the White House in Washington, D.C. but failed to kill himself, according to reports.

The as yet unidentified 45-year-old Californian used an unidentified accelerant and a lighter in an unsuccessful attempt to flambe himself for social justice.

It was unclear if the man was insane or simply a very dedicated demonstrator. Given his disinclination to fully combust he is unlikely to have been an Eagle Scout.

A letter to all entertainers performing at Trump’s inauguration: We are the party of love. We’ve told you that over and over again, but you just don’t seem to get it, so we have no other choice but to send you this anonymous death threat. How DARE you reject our love? You JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND THAT WE WERE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER!!!! You forced our hand and now we must teach you that if you don’t do what we say, that means you don’t love us. And you’re supposed to love us. We are beautiful. We are kind. We are tolerant and inclusive and if you don’t agree with us, you must be silenced! We want to give ourselves to you, body and soul, BUT YOU JUST WON’T SEE IT AND GO OFF WHORING AFTER THAT BITCH!!!!!!

With just over 48 hours left of the Obama Administration, this is your last chance to remember if there is anything you might have done for which you need a pardon.

I’ll go first: My transgression and my cat’s transgression:

Years ago, Dear Leader’s glorious face graced the cover of the magazine Fast Company. I failed to frame it and put it on the wall so I could bow as I walked by. I left it on the couch… and my racist reichwing rethugiKKKan cat got sick all over the picture. Naturally, I mandated the cat to take eight weeks of diversity and sensitivity training…

President Obama awarded himself the prestigious, ‘Distinguished Public Service Medal’ on Wednesday, January 4th, 2017.

During his teary-eyed presentation speech, he referred to himself some 97 times while gloriously expounding on his many accomplishments, performances and outstanding golf games.

Through tears of joy during the acceptance speech, he referred to himself another 163 times expounding upon his many successes and how smart he is.

We breathlessly await more medals of this type to be awarded to Barack Obama.

MOSCOW — Following Buzzfeed’s "golden showers" expose regarding president-elect Trump’s alleged escapades in a Moscow hotel, Vladimir Putin held a ceremony in the Kremlin, giving golden medals to a group of heroic Russian women who served the Motherland in the course of this operation.

"Trump has been organizing beauty pageants, hanging out with beautiful women who had gone through medical examination. Why would he leave them for unvetted females with a lowered sense of social responsibility?" he said. "Unless they are highly trained and thoroughly examined operatives with a heightened sense of social responsibility and patriotism, like this group here."

Don’t miss this post-election fire sale as the Clinton Foundation closes its doors and lays off its non-unionized employees. Everything & everyone must go! br /> – All starving Third-World children are half off, barely used. – Deep discounts on African and Middle Eastern dictators. – Speaking fees now only $20,000. – No refunds on pre-election deposits. – Government influence all sold out. – Uranium deals by appointment only. – Now available in all totalitarian states.

A behind the scenes look at how Pee-Gate really happened.

We have long known that right-wing people are better looking, smarter, happier, and even have a better sex life without demanding that the government pays for their contraceptives.

No one knew how to effectively argue that fact, deny it, rationalize it, or turn it into an asset – until now. A groundbreaking scientific research has finally answered the most puzzling question of the Universe: Why would anyone in their right mind ever vote for a right-winger?

As a side effect, scientists also explained that people’s right-wing politics stem from their beauty, talent, ability, strength, and well-being, which also signals…

I raise a tin cup of glorious beet vodka (with a splash of tractor fuel) to the imaginary hookers.

Once again the mainstream media is trickling out details, one drip at a time…But I’m puzzled. People PAY to get their beds wet? I know some folks with pure talent.

This just in: The search for prostitutes who peed on Obama’s bed has been narrowed down to one suspect…

The People’s Cube entry has just been purged from Wikipedia. Congratulations, comrades. We are now officially a non-site populated by non-persons sharing non-thoughts and making non-jokes. It makes me feel right at home, back in the Soviet Union, where an invisible hand obstructed any of my efforts to manifest my existence. How liberating. No visibility means no responsibility. Out of sight, out of mind.

As a linguistic experiment, scientists once had "out of sight, out of mind" translated into Russian and then back into English. The phrase returned as "invisible lunatics." That’s who we are now. No need to think now, non-people. The Wiki-progs have turned us into invisible lunatics.

Announcing Volume 1 Number 1 of TRUMPIAN HORRORS – the new, hip, retro-pulp fiction magazine for Cis Males, Cis Men, Trans Males, …and Androgynes …who are feeling a little bit on the butch side today.

Each month (or whenever we get around to it — publishing schedules are racist), TRUMPIAN HORRORS will bring you gripping fictionalized accounts (but NOT FAKE NEWS!) of the latest sickening atrocities inflicted upon the the U.S., the world, the Universe, and beyond by The Evil TrumpHitler.

Headline story (and Trigger Warning!) in our premier issue: I WAS FORCED TO SING AT TRUMPS INAUGURATION, the true story of a poor, but talented, single-mother, 1/16th Native American, trans-questioning, Chicago civil servant whom The TrumpHitler implacably forced to compromise her sterling liberal values to croon for The TrumpHitler’s drooling delight while suffering the humiliation of the leering eyes of TrumpHitler’s Deplorables Squads (with assistance by Russian hackers).

Dear President Obama,

I would like to take the time to honestly thank you from the bottom of my heart for having a huge hand in creating the greatest age for satire that the world has ever seen. But aside from that, there is so much more to be thankful for.

I believe that I also speak for countless college-educated people when I say that during the dusk of your presidency we should take the time to list some of the amazing things you have done and to reflect upon them.

When we first saw this headline, we thought it was yet another satirical spoof about Snopes, similar to our own previous exploits: Snopes Co-Founder Embezzles $98,000, Drops Weight, Leaves Fat Wife And Marries Actual Whore

Turns out, this is a true story, fully backed by Daily Mail. But first, let’s step back a little. We’ve had a few spates with Snopes in the past. It was all fun and games when Snopes co-founder David Mikkelson first debunked our story about Rosie O’Donnell getting a tramp stamp with ISIS flag to support Islamic ‘freedom fighters’…

On Wednesday, President Obama added another prestigious medal to his Nobel Prize collection when he had Defense Secretary Ash Carter award him the Department of Defense Medal for Distinguished Public Service.

??If ?this caught you by surprise, you’re not alone. Most Americans had no idea that the Pentagon ?had such an ?award??.? Additionally, you may not be aware that several countries are ?also expected to ?invite? president ?Obama ?to medal ceremonies in appreciation of his many stellar contributions.

25 years ago George Bush Sr. was still in office, and so was Saddam Hussein. The European Union didn’t exist and neither did China’s economic powerhouse. The Berlin wall had just come down and Germany had finally reunited. Hillary Clinton was a little-known mouthy First Lady of Arkansas and the media gleefully predicted that Donald Trump would never climb back to the top after his Atlantic City fiasco.

On the other side of the Iron Curtain, the Eastern bloc was in shambles, but the USSR was still standing with Mikhail Gorbachev at the helm. The KGB meddled in other countries’ affairs as usual, spreading "fake news" and helping leftist politicians with no objections from the Western media…

The Wikipedia page about the People’s Cube may be purged in a few days and we’ll become a non-site unless we take action.

There is an ongoing Wikipedia discussion / show trial, in which you can vote for or against deleting the People’s Cube for being "unworthy" to grace the pages of Wikipedia. You can add your two kopeks to the discussion here:

Wikipedia:Articles for deletion/The People’s Cube

First the reason for deletion was "confrontational language." Then it was phony "copyright issues." Now they question our "noteworthiness." This is plain harassment and trolling.

In this New Year edition of No News – Good News we are happy to inform our readers that the following things did not occur this year:

– FBI: Santa disclosed naughty list on WikiLeaks, "Helped Trump win election"; Obama expels Rudolph, Prancer, Vixen, and 35 elves in retaliation – California builds wall to keep out Trump supporters – Bernie supporters stunned there is no socialist Santa Claus, vow to continue demanding free chocolate cookies, milk – Washington Post sues Internet for infringing on "fake news" business – Controversy in the lab: white mold excludes black mold; Harvard biologist blames "Petri dish cultures of hate" – Scientific News: Long after 1961 burial physicists uncertain Schrodinger is dead – Sexed-up Mother Russia becomes Milf Russia; Motherland renamed into Milfland on Putin’s orders…

By popular demand, we have made two versions of this design – cute and rebellious – pick whichever feels more "deplorable" to you.

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POLITICAL HUMOR & SATIRE

Poor Me is a magazine dedicated to people who see themselves as victims. Read the new Trump-Comey edition – their thickest issue to date.

Challenges of being a drama queen in the age of Trump. Experts: "Competition is fierce."

IN THIS ISSUE:

March against fascism ends with 400,000 fewer deaths than expectedHillary to victims: "poison the wells, scorch the earth"Kathy Griffin: From woke to broke in one easy stepTop 10 methods to make the world feel guilty and apologizeLeBron James needs a day without white people: "No matter how much money I have, I’m still as paranoid as a homeless drug addict"Is everything Trump’s fault? Ask an expert!

EXCLUSIVE – Closed session: Comey, 56, demonstrates on doll where he feared Trump was going to touch him.

Many years ago Nancy Pelosi bravely said, "We have to pass the bill to know what’s in it." But even after it was passed, no one has ever read the Affordable Care Act in its entirety; it is so large that it has its own gravitational field.

In a dramatic stroke of brilliance and keen journalistic instinct, or perhaps outright laziness, we decided to start from the back. Here’s what we found.

Hospital stays exceeding two days require patient-provided bedpans and light bulbs.Co-pays are now tracked by as a Wall Street investment index.Half off Abortion-Tuesdays at Family Dollar stores everywhere.The term “deductibles” is omitted from the medical lexicon in favor of “insurer’s fair share.”Malpractice lawsuits shall be known as “pulling the ‘ol Okey-Dokey.”A 20% tip automatically added to prescription drug purchases.School lunch programs shall include Soylent Green Fridays.

As a member of the white male hetero Christian class my peoples have been ruling the world far to long. It is only fitting that I and my ilk get a taste of our own medicine and accept our demotion in exchange for the promotion of the victim class. The only thing my peoples can do to alleviate our deserved pains is to sacrifice our place willingly and eagerly. We shall vocally praise the oppressed, admit our sins and accept our lashings. When we are ordered to leave our campuses because of our whiteness we shall do so with a smile. When we are reminded of our privilege we shall accept it with a tear. Equality before the law is not the goal. Lady Justice is not blind, comrade. Her eyes are open and her scales are now tipped accordingly. That is the "Democratic Ideal" for which we now must live.

Early this morning President Trump challenged the nation to discover the true meaning of "covfefe."

We accepted the challenge and we’re pretty sure we have figured it out.

Just some pictures and headlines:

– Kathy Griffin mistakenly beheads Alec Baldwin in Trump costume; nobody cares.

– Islamic State disavows Kathy Griffin, pleads with her to "chill the f@#& out"

– ISIS Condemns Kathy Griffin For Cultural Appropriation

etc.

An academic study from researchers at Brunel University London assessed 171 men, looking at their height, weight, overall physical strength and bicep circumference, along with their views on redistribution of wealth and income inequality. The study, published in the Evolution and Human Behavior journal, ​found that weaker men were more likely to favor socialist policies than stronger men.

Back when I lived in New York I went shopping for a modern-looking microfiber jacket suitable for cool weather. I visited a dozen boutique stores in Manhattan, trying on a variety of nice-looking jackets. None of them fit me in the chest. Even if I was able to zip them up over my chest, I couldn’t move my arms…

A recently found 1,200-year-old fossil is giving anthropologists new insights into a warrior-like, bipedal masculine human specimen they have identified as Testiculus Englishmanus, a mysterious ancestor of modern-day British men.

The remains were discovered in Wessex, at the site of the historic Battle of Edington (present-day Wiltshire), where in May, 878 AD, patriotic Anglo-Saxons defeated "The Heathen Army" of the Viking invaders, leading to the eventual liberation and unification of England.

The 6 foot-long fossil reveals that the extinct early man of England possessed two large working testicles, which shatters all modern theories about the origins of today’s residents of the British Isles.

The world’s best known dealmaker-turned-president showed that when it comes to real estate, nobody out-negotiates the Trumpster.

The president met briefly with Pope Francis, whom Trump described as a "…very, very nice man. Very hospitable," before agreeing on a price for the Vatican.

Subjects discussed by the two leaders included the environment, world peace, religious tolerance, and property values.

"After a little going back and forth, I finally asked His Holiness what he wanted for the Vatican. He made an offer, but you know how deals are, he started low and I started high," Trump told the accredited media shortly afterwards.

Do you hate Donald Trump?

Is your lifelong dream to destroy his presidency? Do you live for nothing else these days?

Are you looking for a flexible job that requires little effort while allowing you to be as outrageous as you want? Do you enjoy throwing stuff at the wall and watching it slide down to the floor leaving a trail of slime?

Then mainstream media outlets, especially the New York Times and Washington Post, would like to offer you a position as an ANONYMOUS SOURCE!

Harvard University has written a new dress code that defines ties, a traditional male dress accessory, as a symbol of oppression, chauvinism, and hate speech. The decision came after a women’s rights group petitioned the school board to ban neckties, claiming that students have been triggered by seeing such a “flamboyant and offensive” micro-aggression carried around even by their own professors.

Immediately after the board’s decision, a mass email was sent to all students and faculty of the new dress code, stating that if the new policy was disobeyed it could bring about “serious consequences” including expulsion.

Komrades, I made this little vid where Ragnar Lothbrok gets a glimpse of his people’s nightmarish future that is 21st century Sweden.

It has no major spoilers from the show "Vikings".

French PM candidate Emmanuel Macron has proposed a new initiative, the "Fair Redistribution of Terror in Europe Program," that he hopes will revive his faltering campaign days before France’s voters go the polls.

"It is unfair that France and other enlightened nations that open their borders to Muslim refugees, must suffer the most from Islamic terrorism," Macron said at a campaign rally on Monday. "As a fair-minded person, I am saddened and outraged that less enlightened nations, especially Poland, who close their borders to Muslim migrants, get to enjoy terror-free existence…

For thousands of years, since the end of the Ice Age, international workers gathered in their caves on May Day to organize, protest, and represent. They sat around bonfires chanting Party-approved slogans and denouncing U.S. imperialism.

Every year the changing Current Truth called for different slogans, which were promptly provided to the masses by this glorious Party Organ. And this year is no different. See the most current, updated, and expanded list of slogans for May Day 2017.

– Make America small again!

A sad day today. The People’s Climate Marches in both Denver and Colorado Springs today had to be cancelled because of snow.

I demand a Congressional investigation. Surely Trump has colluded with the Russians to hack our weather in order to make those of us on the side of Truth, Justice and The Socialist Way look bad.

And to think the Russians used to be our friends…

Winter Blast Putting Climate Protests On Ice In Colorado…

Fearless Girl has gotten a little cocky since she stood up to the Wall Street bull – that symbol of financial optimism and prosperity. So brash in fact that she’s graduated from turning this bull into a steer and now takes her intimidation on the road.

Her search for other icons that she can threaten with her icy stare and bravado is taking her on a world-wide excursion. We’ve captured the best moments in this photo essay as FG traveled the globe.

As the world community senses the looming destruction of our planet by Trump’s imperial knowledge-rejecting regime, scientists all over the globe stand up and say No pasaran!

On April 22, and the battlecry of Earth Day resounding through the canyons of our metropoles, Science will march in the front row!

Physicists – Relentlessly Smash Inequality of Atoms!

Chemists – Boldly create New Matter out of Equalized Atoms!

Mathematicians – Progressive Gender-Awareness NOW!

Climatists – Seize the Rudder in the Glorious March of Science!

MIT Press is out with a new book that teaches children the tenets of Karl Marx with fairy tales.

The little girl’s armpit hair is especially disturbing. I understand it must be a nod to feminism, and far be it from me to dictate rules of body hygiene to any women and their consenting partners.

The reason it’s disturbing is because little girls don’t have armpit hair.

So the book’s authors either have never had children themselves and forgot their own childhood, or they are perverts who fantasize about a world where little girls have armpit hair or where adult women with armpit hair look, dress, and behave like little girls and break things they don’t or won’t understand.

In 1988 we told the world that "We only have ten years left to save the planet."

In 1989, our wonderful comrades at the United [in Marxism] Nations decreed the same thing.

Then during the 2000 election season our Holy Prophet Who Has Never Been Wrong, Al Gorski (Muslim name: al-goreeza) issued a fatwa that we only had ten years left to save the planet.

Nobody listened. George Bush [spit, spit] won stole the election and the planet’s environmental destruction continued.

So, in 2006, prophet al-goreeza issued another fatwa…

Life is complicated these days, and there’s just so much outrage to absorb your time. You may be like many Americans, and just not sure what you should be outraged about and which side to pick.

But wait no longer! Simply download the free People’s Current Truth App™ and you’ll be officially in the know. Whether it’s Cecil, Harambe, Bush, or Trump, you’ll receive timely updates with clear instructions on…

What to be angry about! When to feel triggered! Which side to choose! When to choose the other side! How to vent your righteous anger! Where to go for t-shirts and matching placards! Soros funding locator! Progressive social media protest calendaring function!

United Airlines will not be beat, even if you take their seat.

Previously, airlines were required to pay passengers four times their ticket price if they were more than 4 hours late, but United now has a deal beater.

If they need a passenger’s seat, they will simply beat them and drag them from the plane.

This way, they keep costs low for the little people, while kicking the teeth in of uppity, fancy doctors.

Tears of Social Justice Warriors IVANKA TRUMP BUSINESS SAVVY Entrepreneurial skills showcased

Now that Ivanka Trump’s perfume has seen a sales explosion due to, of all things, retail outlets removing the brand from their shelves, Ms Trump has been looking to further incorporate irritated liberals in her business strategy.

Retailers did not consider the fact that the vast majority of liberal women don’t enjoy smelling pleasant, so any move related to perfume inventory would go unnoticed by this demographic…

Every year on April First, internationally known as The Current Truth Day, all progressive humanity celebrates the People’s Cube’s glorious anniversary. Twelve years ago today, on April 1, 2005, this Party Organ was launched out of an undisclosed bunker and swiftly rose over the horizon like the red hexahedron-shaped sun of the revolution, bringing the light of Party-approved thought straight out of the Motherland to the toiling masses of the darkened, non-socialist parts of planet Earth.

Comrade hippies at the HealiUm Art Center in Atlanta, GA, have come up with a creative plan to heal our divided nation. Mocking Donald Trump’s book title, The Art of the Deal, they named their project The Art of The Heal, calling everyone who self-identifies as being an artist to create over 100,000 pieces of art to send to the White House by July 4th, 2017: "Gift the collective art to the President with a request to display the gifted art pieces in the White House for public viewing."

San Francisco, CA — 81 year old Cynthia Cunningham was hospitalized during the early morning hours today after she was found barely conscious in Target department store women’s restroom. The elderly woman fell into a toilet becoming lodged in the public commode when the seat that Cunningham attempted to use was left up.

According to the victim’s family, Cunningham went missing last night after she went into town to buy her grandson a birthday card and a video game. The frail customer with poor eyesight and a weak bladder was recorded on security cameras rushing into the restroom a half-hour before the store closed only to not emerge until EMTs carried her out…

Step right up!

Get your London Edition of Terror Response Bingo here!

To play, keep the card by your computer as you read the news and social media reaction to the attack.

When you see something in the news or on social media that matches something on the card, check it off!

Welcome to the People’s Cube clearing house for all the latest, scandalous, fascist, and Russian outrages of the Trump administration.

What is the latest, breathless, gotta-tell-it-now scandal that defies credulity?

DID YOU KNOW that Neil Gorsuch may have taken his Bar Exam with one shoe untied? Can you believe he’s actually being considered for the Supreme Court?

DID YOU KNOW that Jim Sessions may have worn a WHITE pocket square folded with a POINTY TOP? Yeah, that’s not racist (sarcasm)! And they say Trump…

"A Day Without Sobriety" campaign gains momentum in the Motherland.

Concerned that Russians don’t consume enough alcohol in the month of March, Russia’s Orthodox Church has now made St. Patrick’s Day​ an official holiday over the country’s enormous territory.

Because the Orthodox Church’s calendar is two weeks behind the Western calendar, the celebration is being scheduled on March 30th, almost two weeks after the drinking has wrapped up in the rest of the world. This means that Russia’s 143 million-strong population will be carousing on the 17th when everyone else does it, and then on the 30th…

In joining the fun of a "Day Without" campaign I am starting a new "Day Without" campaign called "A Day Without a Day Without" campaign.

I know it is hard to imagine living a day without being reminded of the sensitivities and abuses faced by our perpetually aggrieved brethren but I am in desperate need of "A Day Without Guilt."

After my "A Day Without A Day Without" campaign I am proposing some additional "Day Without" campaigns to fill our annual calendars. Please help me complete our 365 day schedule.

Dear oppressed women and non-women who identify as females!

On this wonderful spring holiday the Party takes a day off from the usual revolutionary struggle in order to celebrate all the international contributions to social justice made by self-identified female-gendered persons and wishes for them to crush their oppressors anywhere they can find them – and get even!

Remember: 50% of the world’s population has 100% of the Y-chromosomes and 91% of the testosterone. #SMASH FASCIST TESTICLES!

We will never have a truly equal society until we can eliminate Penis Envy by eliminating the penis. #All GENITALS BELONG TO THE STATE!

To go along with Disney’s re-envisioning of Beauty and the Beast, and their new show Princes, they’ve also released a new children’s cartoon – perfect for the kids to watch while eating their cereal during Saturday morning prime time.

A hundred years ago (April 6, 1917) America entered World War I. The prevailing media messaging of the time was captured in these war propaganda posters.

Things have changed in the last hundred years, and so has the media messaging. This raises some questions:

Who comes up with this new messaging? Who is the target? What is it aimed to accomplish? And can a nation survive this mindset if it prevails? Could any nation survive it?

Because while the messaging has changed, the world hasn’t…

If today’s New York Times editors had been in charge in 1917 (strumming harp music)…

A likely illegal publication of a private German telegram to culturally diverse Hispanic and Oriental leaders causes rage, Teutophobia among white alt-right U.S. nationalists

The questionably legal publication of a private German telegram has some alt-right conspiracy buffs attributing the worst possible motives to the German government.

The telegram, which legal experts caution may be illegal for citizens to read…

Today’s lesson: how to condescend to minorities and still score liberal points

This photo, initially posted on Reddit, has quickly become viral. An unnamed teacher in Massachusetts, believing that her students were as shocked by Trump’s election as she was, posted these equality-enforcement proclamations on the classroom wall.

It must be very reassuring for "Latino(a)" students to see a daily reminder that they are not rapists or drug dealers. The same goes for Muslim students who supposedly need to be reminded that they are not terrorists in case they forget. Black students are probably expected to feel grateful for being sheltered from certain death that lurks outside; paranoia is always good for morale.

It is the dawn of the Trump era. The deep state, also known as "a state within a state" is in danger of being drained. In Washington, DC, an elite group of career government bureaucrats bands together to issue the squeal of a lifetime.

The sabotage of Trump and his troops serves as the backdrop for the gripping story about self-serving pen pushers who put the entire country’s future on the line to defend their swamp, trough, and the deep state from Trump’s swamp-draining forces.

Despite inconclusive evidence and ignoring the possible ramifications, the deep state orders the attack…

Each February, film fans around the world turn their attention to the Academy Awards called "The Oscars." But this year is different. "The movies" we so love and cherish have given way to astonishing performances right here on our streets – free of charge! We’ve saturated ourselves with popcorn while watching entertaining "snowflake" routines since Election Day, and it only gets better.

Buy movie tickets? Why! We’ve got free entertainment! We’ve watched more liberal meltdowns on YouTube than movies. We get excited and well… forget the cinema! I’m staying home to watch the liberals!

Comrade Psychiatrist is unhappy with Mr. Trump’s "delusional reformism."

American progressives have been enamored with many Soviet ideas in their time, trying to transplant them to the U.S. – from government diktat and central planning to academic indoctrination and propaganda through entertainment. And while the Soviet Union has gone the way of the dodo, its glorious socialist legacy is still up for the picking.

One of these unparalleled Soviet achievements is the use of psychiatry to silence dissent and delegitimize political opposition…

The word “haters” is a very loaded term, and a nonsensical one to boot. The left-wing Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC), for example, claims to be the ultimate arbiter of “hate,” “haters,” “hate groups,” and “hate crimes.” This 501(c)(3) nonprofit collects handsome sums of money under the pretext of keeping what they call a hatewatch. At the end of 2016 their endowment stood at $302.8 million. That means they have a direct financial interest in painting a picture of a widespread organized hatred in the United States, which “proves” their importance and scares the donors into parting with even more of their money.

With all the Days of Resistance and Days Without Some Victim Group we’ve had lately, and will continue to have for the next four years—or until He Who Shall Not Be Named Because That Only Legitimizes and Worse, Humanizes Him—is impeached—it’s clear we need to set aside another Day, this one to demand paid leave for protesting. We shall call it the People’s Paid Protest Leave, or PPPL™ for short.

Because this is about People. People who care. People who are fighting fascism. People who want only to take back the democracy that last November 8th was ripped from us as if we were raped—which, in a sense, we were.

Is it just me, or do you also wonder how liberals can possibly function, let alone win elections? This lump in their heads, they refer to it as a mind, is made of absurdities, inconsistencies and contradictions. How is possible to hold so many mutually exclusive beliefs?

The fact is, there’s a method to their insanity and sane people will keep losing to the insane unless they understand what that method is.

Let’s take love and hate. Scientists have discovered that both love and hate originate in the same nervous circuits in the brain.

I’m not sure if this has been picked up in America but our UK press are reporting that President Trump was "bashing" the BBC.

‘Here’s another beauty’: Donald Trump bashes the BBC again in heated back-and-forth with ‘impartial free and fair’ reporter Jon Sopel during bizarre White House press conference

– President said ‘Here’s another beauty’ after asking Jon Sopel where he was from – North America editor replied ‘It’s a good line’, adding: ‘Impartial, free and fair’

Our correspondent in Belgium, Comrade Minitrue, has sent us a transmission about the growing prominence of the People’s Cube in the European Union of Soviet Socialist Republics (EUSSR) and its glorious capital, Brussels.

In an article describing the ongoing ruthless purge of all right-wing sources and personalities from Wikipedia, a Dutch-language Belgian newspaper, Sceptr [Scepter], describes us as a "right-wing satirical website." (How far to the left must the comrades in Brussels have gone in order to see our truly Stalinist Party organ as "right-wing"?)

The ever-vigilant Komrad Silverman has done THE PEOPLE a great favor by korrektly identifying markings, disregarded by most wrong-thinking people, as simple utility worker symbols.

They are, in fact, secret and subversive codes of hatred, used by a world-wide conspiracy of fascists, known as the The Utility Workers’ Army, whose hidden agenda is Orange Supremacy.

Thanks to the eagle eye of Sarah Silverman, the secret signs of the Trump Nazi Illuminati have been exposed.

Orange is the new white.

Valentine Day in People’s Cube history

Dating a dictator can be a scary and dangerous endeavor. But it also offers an opportunity to meet the authoritarian oppressor of your dreams, provided that the proper precautions are taken. Whether you are a young starry-eyed Utopian or have been around the eastern bloc for a while, everyone can benefit from these tips and guidelines for safe dictator-dating procedures.

Nordstrom stores – among others – recently stopped carrying Ivanka Trump’s wares. They claim that this decision is not at all politically motivated, but strictly a result of lagging sales. Nordstrom swears their Ivanka Trump dump has nothing to do with a boycott campaign waged by a random marketing consultant, under the hashtag #GrabYourWallet.

The timing that Ivanka’s sales lagged around the same time her father became close to winning the election, which is also when the boycott campaign ramped up, but not a moment before, is purely coincidental.

Armed with a baseball bat and wearing a fashionable rioting unisex ensemble, Flat Antifa is looking for some fascism to smash.

Fascism is anything that Flat Antifa doesn’t understand. It needs to be smashed. Fascists are those who refuse to conform to Flat Antifa’s non-conformism. They need to be smashed.

Flat Antifa obtained these views in his/her extremely expensive school, and is prepared to swing his/her bat at anyone whom Flat Antifa’s extremely progressive professor defines as extremist.

Included on the list of things to smash are gender fascism, sexist fascism, racist fascism, homo-fascism, hetero-fascism, bi-fascism, trans-fascism, adult fascism, and parental fascism.

Help Flat Antifa find more fascism to smash.

Hooters announced today that they are preparing to hire 10,000 Muslim refugee women in a show of support to the immigrant community and in a display of solidarity with other American companies that have offered similar support.

Hooters joins the list of companies such as Starbucks, which has also offered to hire 10,000 refugees instead of veterans or unemployed Americans, as well as AirBNB, which has offered to house these immigrants.

Vladimir Putin deflated footballs used by the New England Patriots – it was revealed today by CNN.

This is the only way that they could have won the Superbowl.

It has been determined that he did it to make Trump’s team victorious. Women and minorities have been hardest hit by this latest defeat.

You may have seen the recent fake news that the Statue of Liberty was originally meant to be a womyn of the Religion of Peace:

ISLAMIC LADY LIBERTY: CBS CLAIMS STATUE OF LIBERTY WAS ORIGINALLY A MUSLIM WOMAN, ACCORDING TO "RESEARCHERS"

No word on whether her clitoris had been removed. All of which is Well and Good. But it only scratches the surface.

Outspoken comedian Sarah Silverman thinks that Trump voters are racist, she said yesterday while wearing blackface makeup to emphasize her point.

Later, after working herself up into some kind of frenzy, Silverman appeared to call for a military coup in a tweet, while protests against Breitbart editor Milo Yiannopoulos turned violent after Soros’ and the DNC’s minions attacked people with shovels and clubs while burning things and breaking windows.

‘WAKE UP & JOIN THE RESISTANCE. ONCE THE MILITARY IS W US FASCISTS GET OVERTHROWN. MAD KING & HIS HANDLERS GO BYE BYE,’ Silverman wrote.

Later she added: ‘We’re all gonna die…

"The carnage perpetrated in the academic torture-chambers of the mind leave students with the following sediment in their brains: existence is a jungle, fear is man’s permanent state, skepticism is the mark of maturity, cynicism is the mark of realism and, above all, the hallmark of an intellectual is the denial of the intellect. These ‘activists’ are so literally the products of modern philosophy that someone should cry to all the university administrations and faculties: ‘Brothers, you asked for it!’"

– Ayn Rand, 1965

Famous Tweets in chronological order:

– Moses – Jews for Social Justice & Against Moses – Pharaoh Seti of Egypt – King Xerxes of Persia – King Leonidas of Sparta – Thomas Jefferson – King George III – Abraham Lincoln – Franz Ferdinand of Austria-Hungary – Lee Harvey Oswald – Jimmy Carter

And more…

Beyonce has announced today that she is pregnant with two Donald Trump’s babies at once, with experts predicting that this may inadvertently set the tone for the entire Black History Month, which has just begun.

The 35-year-old singer was disappointed that her previous pregnancy photo on Instagram only gathered 6,831,636 likes, 17,000 tweets, and some anemic media coverage at such lame old news organizations as The New York Times, LA Times, US Weekly, Chicago Tribune, and similar media holdouts, with not a single picture or a word about her in places where it really counts – Breitbart, Fox News…

So that the Safe Space Cadets will not be unequal in their kultural wealth, I have created a new, politically-korrekt version of the (in)famous Gadsden Flag (*ptooey*). It will be raised every time there is a call to "arms" (for hugging).

I haven’t quite figured out yet what this flag should be called. The Thinskin Flag? The Hasbeen Flag? This humble Kommisar welcomes the contributions of the most equal masses for the christening dedication of this new…

Reciprocating Trump’s #MuslimBan, the CEO of Starbucks has vowed to start a campaign of discrimination against US citizens by hiring 10,000 Muslim refugees instead of the usual local applicants as baristas.

This, in turn, was immediately reciprocated by a call to #BoycottStarbucks by Trump supporters, who claim that Starbucks is an overhyped watering hole for pompous white Subaru-driving liberals in yoga pants. That is an outrageously divisive statement because it excludes unicyclists and Prius drivers, whose vehicles are equipped with three turn signals: a left turn signal, a right turn signal, and a supersized virtue signal.

There is a chart circulating the internet, showing the numbers of American citizens killed by Middle Easterners since 1975. The purpose of this chart is to persuade us that President Trump is banning people from the wrong countries.

Citizenship from these countries does not equal Muslim. But a travel ban of these countries’ citizens is a ban of all Muslims. We know that no Muslim would kill an American, because Islam is the Religion of Peace. According to this chart, Saudi Arabians are more dangerous than citizens of Iraq, Iran, Syria, Libya, Somalia, Sudan and Yemen. But we don’t really want Saudi Arabians to be banned, because it is a Muslim-majority…

After the tragic loss of life in the Quebec mosque shooting of January the 29th, it warms our hearts to witness the correct response we expect in such situations.

Major news outlets were quick to point out that the current prime suspect, a certain Mr. Buissonette, had serious mental issues and work-related traumas that may have caused him to act irrationally. To stress the "lone wolf" character of this attack, no links were made with other anti-Muslim actions or protests in the past that have no proven connection to this incident. To avoid stigmatising any demographic, prime minister Trudeau did not immediately describe this "event" as terrorism.

Calling out around the world, are you ready for a brand new protest? Trump is here and the time is right for protesting in the street!

Sister comrades, this is a call to arms (as long as they’re covered) to demand freedom and equal rights, to stand up to the illegitimate Trump/Hitler regime, to keep the rights to your body, and to fight against cultural imperialism – by wearing your instrument of resistance – the hijab!

Enclosed in your hijab, you can, in the name of women’s rights, proudly stand up and be a warrior against Trump’s War on Women. Join millions of like-minded women in smashing the patriarchy, achieving freedom from male domination and oppression, fighting for gender-justice, and checking (based on skin tone) your white privilege. It’s simple common sense: the Muslim veil is the only way to find true women’s liberation and equality.

Speaking to Harper’s Bazaar, Madonna described focusing on Trump’s image on the TV screen while casting magic spells as her agent and friend recited verses from the Quran.

"We were doing everything: lighting candles, meditating, praying, offering our lives to God, Allah, Satan, whomever – as long as they would shrink Trump into a hideous little monster and he would lose to Hillary," said Madonna.

In the end, her mystical witchcraft backfired. Trump defeated Clinton, and Madonna became a hideous little monster instead. Months later the transmogrified celebrity is still struggling to accept what has happened: "It’s like suddenly losing all my money and power, and also being stuck in a nightmare, but I repeat myself."

This feels like a pilot for an absurdist comedy, or at least a TV skit. Arrested Development comes to mind. The best part is Shia pleading "Be nice, people" and then screaming "f*king Nazis" at the top of his lungs to the people offscreen.

Turns out, they are the police and they soon take him away in handcuffs. He is quite docile at first, but as he is being led offscreen, he gets back into character and starts screaming "f*king Nazis" again.

If Shia sells the rights to this episode, that should probably cover the medical bill from the upcoming month in the rehab.?

It’s only Trump’s second full day on the job, and already he has drawn international criticism: in an executive order signed today, the new president has enrolled all members of ISIS into Obamacare, effective immediately.

Defending his decision, President Trump told reporters, "Look, I know it’s controversial, blah, blah, blah. But to me it’s genius. I’m gonna make ISIS go on Obamacare, and I’m going to make them pay for it. It’s what I campaigned on, and I’m gonna make it happen in the first 100 days."

In the U.S. Senate, Chuck Schumer rushed to a microphone. "We’re better than this…

Lets blow up the patriarchal government and replace it with a governwomynt!

Attending a Trumphitler protest?

That Guy Fawkes mask is "old hat!" (and a symbol of patriarchal oppression). Don’t be laughed at! Show your comrades just how revolutionary and equal you can be by wearing the latest thing in Protest-wear!

Madonna is more revolutionary, more nasty, more disease-ridden than that old… tired… BORING!, Guy Fawkes poseur!

But just like Guy Fawkes, she too wants to blow up the seat of government!!! Isn’t that cool?!!!

Available now at your local Protest Supplies store. Made in Pakistan. Ask about the special limited-edition with bonus vial of Madonna’s actual menstrual blood.

Iranian actress Taraneh Alidoosti has recently vowed to boycott the Academy Awards ceremony as a protest of Illegitimate President Donald Trump’s illegitimate proposal to illegitimately suspend visas for citizens of some African and Middle Eastern nations.

Alidoosti, who appears in the Oscar-nominated The Salesman, points out that foreign travelers to the United States have a right to come and go as they please without the illegitimate interference of the U.S. government. Her announcement has larger implications: we would be deprived of self-righteous tirades delivered with impeccable style by our betters.

Lawyers for Hillary Clinton today announced that they are initiating legal action against Satan for breach of contract.

They are demanding that he return the soul of Hillary Clinton who was promised the highest office in the land for her soul.

Satan’s representative, George Soros, declared that the promise was made in New York City and that she will have to settle for mayor.

Following yesterday’s Inauguration, half a million American women put on their pink "pussyhats" and marched on Washington, D.C., leaving an estimated 2.5 million starving, meowing cats in their homes completely unattended and deprived of their scheduled mandatory hugs and prolonged belly rubs.

Organized by Planned Parenthood, Council for American-Islamic Relations, the Communist Party, and other progressive movements, American women came to Donald Trump’s doorstep to express their anger, fury, indignation, and outrage over the fact that they can’t name a single right that men have and women don’t.

New lyrics – updated and improved:

That’s great it starts like an earthquake cargo snakes on aeroplane And Tammy Bruce is not afraid eye of a hurricane listen to the Dems churn World serves it’s own needs dummies serve your own needs Feeding off of faux speak grunts no strength The latter starts to clatter with fear fright down whites Why’re they on fire representing people’s gains In a government for hire and a left wing site Leftists west and dying in a hurry with the people breathing down your neck…

A Trump-hating protester set himself on fire last night outside the Trump International Hotel a few blocks from the White House in Washington, D.C. but failed to kill himself, according to reports.

The as yet unidentified 45-year-old Californian used an unidentified accelerant and a lighter in an unsuccessful attempt to flambe himself for social justice.

It was unclear if the man was insane or simply a very dedicated demonstrator. Given his disinclination to fully combust he is unlikely to have been an Eagle Scout.

A letter to all entertainers performing at Trump’s inauguration: We are the party of love. We’ve told you that over and over again, but you just don’t seem to get it, so we have no other choice but to send you this anonymous death threat. How DARE you reject our love? You JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND THAT WE WERE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER!!!! You forced our hand and now we must teach you that if you don’t do what we say, that means you don’t love us. And you’re supposed to love us. We are beautiful. We are kind. We are tolerant and inclusive and if you don’t agree with us, you must be silenced! We want to give ourselves to you, body and soul, BUT YOU JUST WON’T SEE IT AND GO OFF WHORING AFTER THAT BITCH!!!!!!

With just over 48 hours left of the Obama Administration, this is your last chance to remember if there is anything you might have done for which you need a pardon.

I’ll go first: My transgression and my cat’s transgression:

Years ago, Dear Leader’s glorious face graced the cover of the magazine Fast Company. I failed to frame it and put it on the wall so I could bow as I walked by. I left it on the couch… and my racist reichwing rethugiKKKan cat got sick all over the picture. Naturally, I mandated the cat to take eight weeks of diversity and sensitivity training…

President Obama awarded himself the prestigious, ‘Distinguished Public Service Medal’ on Wednesday, January 4th, 2017.

During his teary-eyed presentation speech, he referred to himself some 97 times while gloriously expounding on his many accomplishments, performances and outstanding golf games.

Through tears of joy during the acceptance speech, he referred to himself another 163 times expounding upon his many successes and how smart he is.

We breathlessly await more medals of this type to be awarded to Barack Obama.

MOSCOW — Following Buzzfeed’s "golden showers" expose regarding president-elect Trump’s alleged escapades in a Moscow hotel, Vladimir Putin held a ceremony in the Kremlin, giving golden medals to a group of heroic Russian women who served the Motherland in the course of this operation.

"Trump has been organizing beauty pageants, hanging out with beautiful women who had gone through medical examination. Why would he leave them for unvetted females with a lowered sense of social responsibility?" he said. "Unless they are highly trained and thoroughly examined operatives with a heightened sense of social responsibility and patriotism, like this group here."

Don’t miss this post-election fire sale as the Clinton Foundation closes its doors and lays off its non-unionized employees. Everything & everyone must go! br /> – All starving Third-World children are half off, barely used. – Deep discounts on African and Middle Eastern dictators. – Speaking fees now only $20,000. – No refunds on pre-election deposits. – Government influence all sold out. – Uranium deals by appointment only. – Now available in all totalitarian states.

A behind the scenes look at how Pee-Gate really happened.

We have long known that right-wing people are better looking, smarter, happier, and even have a better sex life without demanding that the government pays for their contraceptives.

No one knew how to effectively argue that fact, deny it, rationalize it, or turn it into an asset – until now. A groundbreaking scientific research has finally answered the most puzzling question of the Universe: Why would anyone in their right mind ever vote for a right-winger?

As a side effect, scientists also explained that people’s right-wing politics stem from their beauty, talent, ability, strength, and well-being, which also signals…

I raise a tin cup of glorious beet vodka (with a splash of tractor fuel) to the imaginary hookers.

Once again the mainstream media is trickling out details, one drip at a time…But I’m puzzled. People PAY to get their beds wet? I know some folks with pure talent.

This just in: The search for prostitutes who peed on Obama’s bed has been narrowed down to one suspect…

The People’s Cube entry has just been purged from Wikipedia. Congratulations, comrades. We are now officially a non-site populated by non-persons sharing non-thoughts and making non-jokes. It makes me feel right at home, back in the Soviet Union, where an invisible hand obstructed any of my efforts to manifest my existence. How liberating. No visibility means no responsibility. Out of sight, out of mind.

As a linguistic experiment, scientists once had "out of sight, out of mind" translated into Russian and then back into English. The phrase returned as "invisible lunatics." That’s who we are now. No need to think now, non-people. The Wiki-progs have turned us into invisible lunatics.

Announcing Volume 1 Number 1 of TRUMPIAN HORRORS – the new, hip, retro-pulp fiction magazine for Cis Males, Cis Men, Trans Males, …and Androgynes …who are feeling a little bit on the butch side today.

Each month (or whenever we get around to it — publishing schedules are racist), TRUMPIAN HORRORS will bring you gripping fictionalized accounts (but NOT FAKE NEWS!) of the latest sickening atrocities inflicted upon the the U.S., the world, the Universe, and beyond by The Evil TrumpHitler.

Headline story (and Trigger Warning!) in our premier issue: I WAS FORCED TO SING AT TRUMPS INAUGURATION, the true story of a poor, but talented, single-mother, 1/16th Native American, trans-questioning, Chicago civil servant whom The TrumpHitler implacably forced to compromise her sterling liberal values to croon for The TrumpHitler’s drooling delight while suffering the humiliation of the leering eyes of TrumpHitler’s Deplorables Squads (with assistance by Russian hackers).

Dear President Obama,

I would like to take the time to honestly thank you from the bottom of my heart for having a huge hand in creating the greatest age for satire that the world has ever seen. But aside from that, there is so much more to be thankful for.

I believe that I also speak for countless college-educated people when I say that during the dusk of your presidency we should take the time to list some of the amazing things you have done and to reflect upon them.

When we first saw this headline, we thought it was yet another satirical spoof about Snopes, similar to our own previous exploits: Snopes Co-Founder Embezzles $98,000, Drops Weight, Leaves Fat Wife And Marries Actual Whore

Turns out, this is a true story, fully backed by Daily Mail. But first, let’s step back a little. We’ve had a few spates with Snopes in the past. It was all fun and games when Snopes co-founder David Mikkelson first debunked our story about Rosie O’Donnell getting a tramp stamp with ISIS flag to support Islamic ‘freedom fighters’…

On Wednesday, President Obama added another prestigious medal to his Nobel Prize collection when he had Defense Secretary Ash Carter award him the Department of Defense Medal for Distinguished Public Service.

??If ?this caught you by surprise, you’re not alone. Most Americans had no idea that the Pentagon ?had such an ?award??.? Additionally, you may not be aware that several countries are ?also expected to ?invite? president ?Obama ?to medal ceremonies in appreciation of his many stellar contributions.

25 years ago George Bush Sr. was still in office, and so was Saddam Hussein. The European Union didn’t exist and neither did China’s economic powerhouse. The Berlin wall had just come down and Germany had finally reunited. Hillary Clinton was a little-known mouthy First Lady of Arkansas and the media gleefully predicted that Donald Trump would never climb back to the top after his Atlantic City fiasco.

On the other side of the Iron Curtain, the Eastern bloc was in shambles, but the USSR was still standing with Mikhail Gorbachev at the helm. The KGB meddled in other countries’ affairs as usual, spreading "fake news" and helping leftist politicians with no objections from the Western media…

The Wikipedia page about the People’s Cube may be purged in a few days and we’ll become a non-site unless we take action.

There is an ongoing Wikipedia discussion / show trial, in which you can vote for or against deleting the People’s Cube for being "unworthy" to grace the pages of Wikipedia. You can add your two kopeks to the discussion here:

Wikipedia:Articles for deletion/The People’s Cube

First the reason for deletion was "confrontational language." Then it was phony "copyright issues." Now they question our "noteworthiness." This is plain harassment and trolling.

In this New Year edition of No News – Good News we are happy to inform our readers that the following things did not occur this year:

– FBI: Santa disclosed naughty list on WikiLeaks, "Helped Trump win election"; Obama expels Rudolph, Prancer, Vixen, and 35 elves in retaliation – California builds wall to keep out Trump supporters – Bernie supporters stunned there is no socialist Santa Claus, vow to continue demanding free chocolate cookies, milk – Washington Post sues Internet for infringing on "fake news" business – Controversy in the lab: white mold excludes black mold; Harvard biologist blames "Petri dish cultures of hate" – Scientific News: Long after 1961 burial physicists uncertain Schrodinger is dead – Sexed-up Mother Russia becomes Milf Russia; Motherland renamed into Milfland on Putin’s orders…

By popular demand, we have made two versions of this design – cute and rebellious – pick whichever feels more "deplorable" to you.

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POLITICAL HUMOR & SATIRE

Many years ago Nancy Pelosi bravely said, "We have to pass the bill to know what’s in it." But even after it was passed, no one has ever read the Affordable Care Act in its entirety; it is so large that it has its own gravitational field.

In a dramatic stroke of brilliance and keen journalistic instinct, or perhaps outright laziness, we decided to start from the back. Here’s what we found.

Hospital stays exceeding two days require patient-provided bedpans and light bulbs.Co-pays are now tracked by as a Wall Street investment index.Half off Abortion-Tuesdays at Family Dollar stores everywhere.The term “deductibles” is omitted from the medical lexicon in favor of “insurer’s fair share.”Malpractice lawsuits shall be known as “pulling the ‘ol Okey-Dokey.”A 20% tip automatically added to prescription drug purchases.School lunch programs shall include Soylent Green Fridays.

As a member of the white male hetero Christian class my peoples have been ruling the world far to long. It is only fitting that I and my ilk get a taste of our own medicine and accept our demotion in exchange for the promotion of the victim class. The only thing my peoples can do to alleviate our deserved pains is to sacrifice our place willingly and eagerly. We shall vocally praise the oppressed, admit our sins and accept our lashings. When we are ordered to leave our campuses because of our whiteness we shall do so with a smile. When we are reminded of our privilege we shall accept it with a tear. Equality before the law is not the goal. Lady Justice is not blind, comrade. Her eyes are open and her scales are now tipped accordingly. That is the "Democratic Ideal" for which we now must live.

Early this morning President Trump challenged the nation to discover the true meaning of "covfefe."

We accepted the challenge and we’re pretty sure we have figured it out.

Just some pictures and headlines:

– Kathy Griffin mistakenly beheads Alec Baldwin in Trump costume; nobody cares.

– Islamic State disavows Kathy Griffin, pleads with her to "chill the f@#& out"

– ISIS Condemns Kathy Griffin For Cultural Appropriation

etc.

An academic study from researchers at Brunel University London assessed 171 men, looking at their height, weight, overall physical strength and bicep circumference, along with their views on redistribution of wealth and income inequality. The study, published in the Evolution and Human Behavior journal, ​found that weaker men were more likely to favor socialist policies than stronger men.

Back when I lived in New York I went shopping for a modern-looking microfiber jacket suitable for cool weather. I visited a dozen boutique stores in Manhattan, trying on a variety of nice-looking jackets. None of them fit me in the chest. Even if I was able to zip them up over my chest, I couldn’t move my arms…

A recently found 1,200-year-old fossil is giving anthropologists new insights into a warrior-like, bipedal masculine human specimen they have identified as Testiculus Englishmanus, a mysterious ancestor of modern-day British men.

The remains were discovered in Wessex, at the site of the historic Battle of Edington (present-day Wiltshire), where in May, 878 AD, patriotic Anglo-Saxons defeated "The Heathen Army" of the Viking invaders, leading to the eventual liberation and unification of England.

The 6 foot-long fossil reveals that the extinct early man of England possessed two large working testicles, which shatters all modern theories about the origins of today’s residents of the British Isles.

The world’s best known dealmaker-turned-president showed that when it comes to real estate, nobody out-negotiates the Trumpster.

The president met briefly with Pope Francis, whom Trump described as a "…very, very nice man. Very hospitable," before agreeing on a price for the Vatican.

Subjects discussed by the two leaders included the environment, world peace, religious tolerance, and property values.

"After a little going back and forth, I finally asked His Holiness what he wanted for the Vatican. He made an offer, but you know how deals are, he started low and I started high," Trump told the accredited media shortly afterwards.

Do you hate Donald Trump?

Is your lifelong dream to destroy his presidency? Do you live for nothing else these days?

Are you looking for a flexible job that requires little effort while allowing you to be as outrageous as you want? Do you enjoy throwing stuff at the wall and watching it slide down to the floor leaving a trail of slime?

Then mainstream media outlets, especially the New York Times and Washington Post, would like to offer you a position as an ANONYMOUS SOURCE!

Harvard University has written a new dress code that defines ties, a traditional male dress accessory, as a symbol of oppression, chauvinism, and hate speech. The decision came after a women’s rights group petitioned the school board to ban neckties, claiming that students have been triggered by seeing such a “flamboyant and offensive” micro-aggression carried around even by their own professors.

Immediately after the board’s decision, a mass email was sent to all students and faculty of the new dress code, stating that if the new policy was disobeyed it could bring about “serious consequences” including expulsion.

Komrades, I made this little vid where Ragnar Lothbrok gets a glimpse of his people’s nightmarish future that is 21st century Sweden.

It has no major spoilers from the show "Vikings".

French PM candidate Emmanuel Macron has proposed a new initiative, the "Fair Redistribution of Terror in Europe Program," that he hopes will revive his faltering campaign days before France’s voters go the polls.

"It is unfair that France and other enlightened nations that open their borders to Muslim refugees, must suffer the most from Islamic terrorism," Macron said at a campaign rally on Monday. "As a fair-minded person, I am saddened and outraged that less enlightened nations, especially Poland, who close their borders to Muslim migrants, get to enjoy terror-free existence…

For thousands of years, since the end of the Ice Age, international workers gathered in their caves on May Day to organize, protest, and represent. They sat around bonfires chanting Party-approved slogans and denouncing U.S. imperialism.

Every year the changing Current Truth called for different slogans, which were promptly provided to the masses by this glorious Party Organ. And this year is no different. See the most current, updated, and expanded list of slogans for May Day 2017.

– Make America small again!

A sad day today. The People’s Climate Marches in both Denver and Colorado Springs today had to be cancelled because of snow.

I demand a Congressional investigation. Surely Trump has colluded with the Russians to hack our weather in order to make those of us on the side of Truth, Justice and The Socialist Way look bad.

And to think the Russians used to be our friends…

Winter Blast Putting Climate Protests On Ice In Colorado…

Fearless Girl has gotten a little cocky since she stood up to the Wall Street bull – that symbol of financial optimism and prosperity. So brash in fact that she’s graduated from turning this bull into a steer and now takes her intimidation on the road.

Her search for other icons that she can threaten with her icy stare and bravado is taking her on a world-wide excursion. We’ve captured the best moments in this photo essay as FG traveled the globe.

As the world community senses the looming destruction of our planet by Trump’s imperial knowledge-rejecting regime, scientists all over the globe stand up and say No pasaran!

On April 22, and the battlecry of Earth Day resounding through the canyons of our metropoles, Science will march in the front row!

Physicists – Relentlessly Smash Inequality of Atoms!

Chemists – Boldly create New Matter out of Equalized Atoms!

Mathematicians – Progressive Gender-Awareness NOW!

Climatists – Seize the Rudder in the Glorious March of Science!

MIT Press is out with a new book that teaches children the tenets of Karl Marx with fairy tales.

The little girl’s armpit hair is especially disturbing. I understand it must be a nod to feminism, and far be it from me to dictate rules of body hygiene to any women and their consenting partners.

The reason it’s disturbing is because little girls don’t have armpit hair.

So the book’s authors either have never had children themselves and forgot their own childhood, or they are perverts who fantasize about a world where little girls have armpit hair or where adult women with armpit hair look, dress, and behave like little girls and break things they don’t or won’t understand.

In 1988 we told the world that "We only have ten years left to save the planet."

In 1989, our wonderful comrades at the United [in Marxism] Nations decreed the same thing.

Then during the 2000 election season our Holy Prophet Who Has Never Been Wrong, Al Gorski (Muslim name: al-goreeza) issued a fatwa that we only had ten years left to save the planet.

Nobody listened. George Bush [spit, spit] won stole the election and the planet’s environmental destruction continued.

So, in 2006, prophet al-goreeza issued another fatwa…

Life is complicated these days, and there’s just so much outrage to absorb your time. You may be like many Americans, and just not sure what you should be outraged about and which side to pick.

But wait no longer! Simply download the free People’s Current Truth App™ and you’ll be officially in the know. Whether it’s Cecil, Harambe, Bush, or Trump, you’ll receive timely updates with clear instructions on…

What to be angry about! When to feel triggered! Which side to choose! When to choose the other side! How to vent your righteous anger! Where to go for t-shirts and matching placards! Soros funding locator! Progressive social media protest calendaring function!

United Airlines will not be beat, even if you take their seat.

Previously, airlines were required to pay passengers four times their ticket price if they were more than 4 hours late, but United now has a deal beater.

If they need a passenger’s seat, they will simply beat them and drag them from the plane.

This way, they keep costs low for the little people, while kicking the teeth in of uppity, fancy doctors.

Tears of Social Justice Warriors IVANKA TRUMP BUSINESS SAVVY Entrepreneurial skills showcased

Now that Ivanka Trump’s perfume has seen a sales explosion due to, of all things, retail outlets removing the brand from their shelves, Ms Trump has been looking to further incorporate irritated liberals in her business strategy.

Retailers did not consider the fact that the vast majority of liberal women don’t enjoy smelling pleasant, so any move related to perfume inventory would go unnoticed by this demographic…

Every year on April First, internationally known as The Current Truth Day, all progressive humanity celebrates the People’s Cube’s glorious anniversary. Twelve years ago today, on April 1, 2005, this Party Organ was launched out of an undisclosed bunker and swiftly rose over the horizon like the red hexahedron-shaped sun of the revolution, bringing the light of Party-approved thought straight out of the Motherland to the toiling masses of the darkened, non-socialist parts of planet Earth.

Comrade hippies at the HealiUm Art Center in Atlanta, GA, have come up with a creative plan to heal our divided nation. Mocking Donald Trump’s book title, The Art of the Deal, they named their project The Art of The Heal, calling everyone who self-identifies as being an artist to create over 100,000 pieces of art to send to the White House by July 4th, 2017: "Gift the collective art to the President with a request to display the gifted art pieces in the White House for public viewing."

San Francisco, CA — 81 year old Cynthia Cunningham was hospitalized during the early morning hours today after she was found barely conscious in Target department store women’s restroom. The elderly woman fell into a toilet becoming lodged in the public commode when the seat that Cunningham attempted to use was left up.

According to the victim’s family, Cunningham went missing last night after she went into town to buy her grandson a birthday card and a video game. The frail customer with poor eyesight and a weak bladder was recorded on security cameras rushing into the restroom a half-hour before the store closed only to not emerge until EMTs carried her out…

Step right up!

Get your London Edition of Terror Response Bingo here!

To play, keep the card by your computer as you read the news and social media reaction to the attack.

When you see something in the news or on social media that matches something on the card, check it off!

Welcome to the People’s Cube clearing house for all the latest, scandalous, fascist, and Russian outrages of the Trump administration.

What is the latest, breathless, gotta-tell-it-now scandal that defies credulity?

DID YOU KNOW that Neil Gorsuch may have taken his Bar Exam with one shoe untied? Can you believe he’s actually being considered for the Supreme Court?

DID YOU KNOW that Jim Sessions may have worn a WHITE pocket square folded with a POINTY TOP? Yeah, that’s not racist (sarcasm)! And they say Trump…

"A Day Without Sobriety" campaign gains momentum in the Motherland.

Concerned that Russians don’t consume enough alcohol in the month of March, Russia’s Orthodox Church has now made St. Patrick’s Day​ an official holiday over the country’s enormous territory.

Because the Orthodox Church’s calendar is two weeks behind the Western calendar, the celebration is being scheduled on March 30th, almost two weeks after the drinking has wrapped up in the rest of the world. This means that Russia’s 143 million-strong population will be carousing on the 17th when everyone else does it, and then on the 30th…

In joining the fun of a "Day Without" campaign I am starting a new "Day Without" campaign called "A Day Without a Day Without" campaign.

I know it is hard to imagine living a day without being reminded of the sensitivities and abuses faced by our perpetually aggrieved brethren but I am in desperate need of "A Day Without Guilt."

After my "A Day Without A Day Without" campaign I am proposing some additional "Day Without" campaigns to fill our annual calendars. Please help me complete our 365 day schedule.

Dear oppressed women and non-women who identify as females!

On this wonderful spring holiday the Party takes a day off from the usual revolutionary struggle in order to celebrate all the international contributions to social justice made by self-identified female-gendered persons and wishes for them to crush their oppressors anywhere they can find them – and get even!

Remember: 50% of the world’s population has 100% of the Y-chromosomes and 91% of the testosterone. #SMASH FASCIST TESTICLES!

We will never have a truly equal society until we can eliminate Penis Envy by eliminating the penis. #All GENITALS BELONG TO THE STATE!

To go along with Disney’s re-envisioning of Beauty and the Beast, and their new show Princes, they’ve also released a new children’s cartoon – perfect for the kids to watch while eating their cereal during Saturday morning prime time.

A hundred years ago (April 6, 1917) America entered World War I. The prevailing media messaging of the time was captured in these war propaganda posters.

Things have changed in the last hundred years, and so has the media messaging. This raises some questions:

Who comes up with this new messaging? Who is the target? What is it aimed to accomplish? And can a nation survive this mindset if it prevails? Could any nation survive it?

Because while the messaging has changed, the world hasn’t…

If today’s New York Times editors had been in charge in 1917 (strumming harp music)…

A likely illegal publication of a private German telegram to culturally diverse Hispanic and Oriental leaders causes rage, Teutophobia among white alt-right U.S. nationalists

The questionably legal publication of a private German telegram has some alt-right conspiracy buffs attributing the worst possible motives to the German government.

The telegram, which legal experts caution may be illegal for citizens to read…

Today’s lesson: how to condescend to minorities and still score liberal points

This photo, initially posted on Reddit, has quickly become viral. An unnamed teacher in Massachusetts, believing that her students were as shocked by Trump’s election as she was, posted these equality-enforcement proclamations on the classroom wall.

It must be very reassuring for "Latino(a)" students to see a daily reminder that they are not rapists or drug dealers. The same goes for Muslim students who supposedly need to be reminded that they are not terrorists in case they forget. Black students are probably expected to feel grateful for being sheltered from certain death that lurks outside; paranoia is always good for morale.

It is the dawn of the Trump era. The deep state, also known as "a state within a state" is in danger of being drained. In Washington, DC, an elite group of career government bureaucrats bands together to issue the squeal of a lifetime.

The sabotage of Trump and his troops serves as the backdrop for the gripping story about self-serving pen pushers who put the entire country’s future on the line to defend their swamp, trough, and the deep state from Trump’s swamp-draining forces.

Despite inconclusive evidence and ignoring the possible ramifications, the deep state orders the attack…

Each February, film fans around the world turn their attention to the Academy Awards called "The Oscars." But this year is different. "The movies" we so love and cherish have given way to astonishing performances right here on our streets – free of charge! We’ve saturated ourselves with popcorn while watching entertaining "snowflake" routines since Election Day, and it only gets better.

Buy movie tickets? Why! We’ve got free entertainment! We’ve watched more liberal meltdowns on YouTube than movies. We get excited and well… forget the cinema! I’m staying home to watch the liberals!

Comrade Psychiatrist is unhappy with Mr. Trump’s "delusional reformism."

American progressives have been enamored with many Soviet ideas in their time, trying to transplant them to the U.S. – from government diktat and central planning to academic indoctrination and propaganda through entertainment. And while the Soviet Union has gone the way of the dodo, its glorious socialist legacy is still up for the picking.

One of these unparalleled Soviet achievements is the use of psychiatry to silence dissent and delegitimize political opposition…

The word “haters” is a very loaded term, and a nonsensical one to boot. The left-wing Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC), for example, claims to be the ultimate arbiter of “hate,” “haters,” “hate groups,” and “hate crimes.” This 501(c)(3) nonprofit collects handsome sums of money under the pretext of keeping what they call a hatewatch. At the end of 2016 their endowment stood at $302.8 million. That means they have a direct financial interest in painting a picture of a widespread organized hatred in the United States, which “proves” their importance and scares the donors into parting with even more of their money.

With all the Days of Resistance and Days Without Some Victim Group we’ve had lately, and will continue to have for the next four years—or until He Who Shall Not Be Named Because That Only Legitimizes and Worse, Humanizes Him—is impeached—it’s clear we need to set aside another Day, this one to demand paid leave for protesting. We shall call it the People’s Paid Protest Leave, or PPPL™ for short.

Because this is about People. People who care. People who are fighting fascism. People who want only to take back the democracy that last November 8th was ripped from us as if we were raped—which, in a sense, we were.

Is it just me, or do you also wonder how liberals can possibly function, let alone win elections? This lump in their heads, they refer to it as a mind, is made of absurdities, inconsistencies and contradictions. How is possible to hold so many mutually exclusive beliefs?

The fact is, there’s a method to their insanity and sane people will keep losing to the insane unless they understand what that method is.

Let’s take love and hate. Scientists have discovered that both love and hate originate in the same nervous circuits in the brain.

I’m not sure if this has been picked up in America but our UK press are reporting that President Trump was "bashing" the BBC.

‘Here’s another beauty’: Donald Trump bashes the BBC again in heated back-and-forth with ‘impartial free and fair’ reporter Jon Sopel during bizarre White House press conference

– President said ‘Here’s another beauty’ after asking Jon Sopel where he was from – North America editor replied ‘It’s a good line’, adding: ‘Impartial, free and fair’

Our correspondent in Belgium, Comrade Minitrue, has sent us a transmission about the growing prominence of the People’s Cube in the European Union of Soviet Socialist Republics (EUSSR) and its glorious capital, Brussels.

In an article describing the ongoing ruthless purge of all right-wing sources and personalities from Wikipedia, a Dutch-language Belgian newspaper, Sceptr [Scepter], describes us as a "right-wing satirical website." (How far to the left must the comrades in Brussels have gone in order to see our truly Stalinist Party organ as "right-wing"?)

The ever-vigilant Komrad Silverman has done THE PEOPLE a great favor by korrektly identifying markings, disregarded by most wrong-thinking people, as simple utility worker symbols.

They are, in fact, secret and subversive codes of hatred, used by a world-wide conspiracy of fascists, known as the The Utility Workers’ Army, whose hidden agenda is Orange Supremacy.

Thanks to the eagle eye of Sarah Silverman, the secret signs of the Trump Nazi Illuminati have been exposed.

Orange is the new white.

Valentine Day in People’s Cube history

Dating a dictator can be a scary and dangerous endeavor. But it also offers an opportunity to meet the authoritarian oppressor of your dreams, provided that the proper precautions are taken. Whether you are a young starry-eyed Utopian or have been around the eastern bloc for a while, everyone can benefit from these tips and guidelines for safe dictator-dating procedures.

Nordstrom stores – among others – recently stopped carrying Ivanka Trump’s wares. They claim that this decision is not at all politically motivated, but strictly a result of lagging sales. Nordstrom swears their Ivanka Trump dump has nothing to do with a boycott campaign waged by a random marketing consultant, under the hashtag #GrabYourWallet.

The timing that Ivanka’s sales lagged around the same time her father became close to winning the election, which is also when the boycott campaign ramped up, but not a moment before, is purely coincidental.

Armed with a baseball bat and wearing a fashionable rioting unisex ensemble, Flat Antifa is looking for some fascism to smash.

Fascism is anything that Flat Antifa doesn’t understand. It needs to be smashed. Fascists are those who refuse to conform to Flat Antifa’s non-conformism. They need to be smashed.

Flat Antifa obtained these views in his/her extremely expensive school, and is prepared to swing his/her bat at anyone whom Flat Antifa’s extremely progressive professor defines as extremist.

Included on the list of things to smash are gender fascism, sexist fascism, racist fascism, homo-fascism, hetero-fascism, bi-fascism, trans-fascism, adult fascism, and parental fascism.

Help Flat Antifa find more fascism to smash.

Hooters announced today that they are preparing to hire 10,000 Muslim refugee women in a show of support to the immigrant community and in a display of solidarity with other American companies that have offered similar support.

Hooters joins the list of companies such as Starbucks, which has also offered to hire 10,000 refugees instead of veterans or unemployed Americans, as well as AirBNB, which has offered to house these immigrants.

Vladimir Putin deflated footballs used by the New England Patriots – it was revealed today by CNN.

This is the only way that they could have won the Superbowl.

It has been determined that he did it to make Trump’s team victorious. Women and minorities have been hardest hit by this latest defeat.

You may have seen the recent fake news that the Statue of Liberty was originally meant to be a womyn of the Religion of Peace:

ISLAMIC LADY LIBERTY: CBS CLAIMS STATUE OF LIBERTY WAS ORIGINALLY A MUSLIM WOMAN, ACCORDING TO "RESEARCHERS"

No word on whether her clitoris had been removed. All of which is Well and Good. But it only scratches the surface.

Outspoken comedian Sarah Silverman thinks that Trump voters are racist, she said yesterday while wearing blackface makeup to emphasize her point.

Later, after working herself up into some kind of frenzy, Silverman appeared to call for a military coup in a tweet, while protests against Breitbart editor Milo Yiannopoulos turned violent after Soros’ and the DNC’s minions attacked people with shovels and clubs while burning things and breaking windows.

‘WAKE UP & JOIN THE RESISTANCE. ONCE THE MILITARY IS W US FASCISTS GET OVERTHROWN. MAD KING & HIS HANDLERS GO BYE BYE,’ Silverman wrote.

Later she added: ‘We’re all gonna die…

"The carnage perpetrated in the academic torture-chambers of the mind leave students with the following sediment in their brains: existence is a jungle, fear is man’s permanent state, skepticism is the mark of maturity, cynicism is the mark of realism and, above all, the hallmark of an intellectual is the denial of the intellect. These ‘activists’ are so literally the products of modern philosophy that someone should cry to all the university administrations and faculties: ‘Brothers, you asked for it!’"

– Ayn Rand, 1965

Famous Tweets in chronological order:

– Moses – Jews for Social Justice & Against Moses – Pharaoh Seti of Egypt – King Xerxes of Persia – King Leonidas of Sparta – Thomas Jefferson – King George III – Abraham Lincoln – Franz Ferdinand of Austria-Hungary – Lee Harvey Oswald – Jimmy Carter

And more…

Beyonce has announced today that she is pregnant with two Donald Trump’s babies at once, with experts predicting that this may inadvertently set the tone for the entire Black History Month, which has just begun.

The 35-year-old singer was disappointed that her previous pregnancy photo on Instagram only gathered 6,831,636 likes, 17,000 tweets, and some anemic media coverage at such lame old news organizations as The New York Times, LA Times, US Weekly, Chicago Tribune, and similar media holdouts, with not a single picture or a word about her in places where it really counts – Breitbart, Fox News…

So that the Safe Space Cadets will not be unequal in their kultural wealth, I have created a new, politically-korrekt version of the (in)famous Gadsden Flag (*ptooey*). It will be raised every time there is a call to "arms" (for hugging).

I haven’t quite figured out yet what this flag should be called. The Thinskin Flag? The Hasbeen Flag? This humble Kommisar welcomes the contributions of the most equal masses for the christening dedication of this new…

Reciprocating Trump’s #MuslimBan, the CEO of Starbucks has vowed to start a campaign of discrimination against US citizens by hiring 10,000 Muslim refugees instead of the usual local applicants as baristas.

This, in turn, was immediately reciprocated by a call to #BoycottStarbucks by Trump supporters, who claim that Starbucks is an overhyped watering hole for pompous white Subaru-driving liberals in yoga pants. That is an outrageously divisive statement because it excludes unicyclists and Prius drivers, whose vehicles are equipped with three turn signals: a left turn signal, a right turn signal, and a supersized virtue signal.

There is a chart circulating the internet, showing the numbers of American citizens killed by Middle Easterners since 1975. The purpose of this chart is to persuade us that President Trump is banning people from the wrong countries.

Citizenship from these countries does not equal Muslim. But a travel ban of these countries’ citizens is a ban of all Muslims. We know that no Muslim would kill an American, because Islam is the Religion of Peace. According to this chart, Saudi Arabians are more dangerous than citizens of Iraq, Iran, Syria, Libya, Somalia, Sudan and Yemen. But we don’t really want Saudi Arabians to be banned, because it is a Muslim-majority…

After the tragic loss of life in the Quebec mosque shooting of January the 29th, it warms our hearts to witness the correct response we expect in such situations.

Major news outlets were quick to point out that the current prime suspect, a certain Mr. Buissonette, had serious mental issues and work-related traumas that may have caused him to act irrationally. To stress the "lone wolf" character of this attack, no links were made with other anti-Muslim actions or protests in the past that have no proven connection to this incident. To avoid stigmatising any demographic, prime minister Trudeau did not immediately describe this "event" as terrorism.

Calling out around the world, are you ready for a brand new protest? Trump is here and the time is right for protesting in the street!

Sister comrades, this is a call to arms (as long as they’re covered) to demand freedom and equal rights, to stand up to the illegitimate Trump/Hitler regime, to keep the rights to your body, and to fight against cultural imperialism – by wearing your instrument of resistance – the hijab!

Enclosed in your hijab, you can, in the name of women’s rights, proudly stand up and be a warrior against Trump’s War on Women. Join millions of like-minded women in smashing the patriarchy, achieving freedom from male domination and oppression, fighting for gender-justice, and checking (based on skin tone) your white privilege. It’s simple common sense: the Muslim veil is the only way to find true women’s liberation and equality.

Speaking to Harper’s Bazaar, Madonna described focusing on Trump’s image on the TV screen while casting magic spells as her agent and friend recited verses from the Quran.

"We were doing everything: lighting candles, meditating, praying, offering our lives to God, Allah, Satan, whomever – as long as they would shrink Trump into a hideous little monster and he would lose to Hillary," said Madonna.

In the end, her mystical witchcraft backfired. Trump defeated Clinton, and Madonna became a hideous little monster instead. Months later the transmogrified celebrity is still struggling to accept what has happened: "It’s like suddenly losing all my money and power, and also being stuck in a nightmare, but I repeat myself."

This feels like a pilot for an absurdist comedy, or at least a TV skit. Arrested Development comes to mind. The best part is Shia pleading "Be nice, people" and then screaming "f*king Nazis" at the top of his lungs to the people offscreen.

Turns out, they are the police and they soon take him away in handcuffs. He is quite docile at first, but as he is being led offscreen, he gets back into character and starts screaming "f*king Nazis" again.

If Shia sells the rights to this episode, that should probably cover the medical bill from the upcoming month in the rehab.?

It’s only Trump’s second full day on the job, and already he has drawn international criticism: in an executive order signed today, the new president has enrolled all members of ISIS into Obamacare, effective immediately.

Defending his decision, President Trump told reporters, "Look, I know it’s controversial, blah, blah, blah. But to me it’s genius. I’m gonna make ISIS go on Obamacare, and I’m going to make them pay for it. It’s what I campaigned on, and I’m gonna make it happen in the first 100 days."

In the U.S. Senate, Chuck Schumer rushed to a microphone. "We’re better than this…

Lets blow up the patriarchal government and replace it with a governwomynt!

Attending a Trumphitler protest?

That Guy Fawkes mask is "old hat!" (and a symbol of patriarchal oppression). Don’t be laughed at! Show your comrades just how revolutionary and equal you can be by wearing the latest thing in Protest-wear!

Madonna is more revolutionary, more nasty, more disease-ridden than that old… tired… BORING!, Guy Fawkes poseur!

But just like Guy Fawkes, she too wants to blow up the seat of government!!! Isn’t that cool?!!!

Available now at your local Protest Supplies store. Made in Pakistan. Ask about the special limited-edition with bonus vial of Madonna’s actual menstrual blood.

Iranian actress Taraneh Alidoosti has recently vowed to boycott the Academy Awards ceremony as a protest of Illegitimate President Donald Trump’s illegitimate proposal to illegitimately suspend visas for citizens of some African and Middle Eastern nations.

Alidoosti, who appears in the Oscar-nominated The Salesman, points out that foreign travelers to the United States have a right to come and go as they please without the illegitimate interference of the U.S. government. Her announcement has larger implications: we would be deprived of self-righteous tirades delivered with impeccable style by our betters.

Lawyers for Hillary Clinton today announced that they are initiating legal action against Satan for breach of contract.

They are demanding that he return the soul of Hillary Clinton who was promised the highest office in the land for her soul.

Satan’s representative, George Soros, declared that the promise was made in New York City and that she will have to settle for mayor.

Following yesterday’s Inauguration, half a million American women put on their pink "pussyhats" and marched on Washington, D.C., leaving an estimated 2.5 million starving, meowing cats in their homes completely unattended and deprived of their scheduled mandatory hugs and prolonged belly rubs.

Organized by Planned Parenthood, Council for American-Islamic Relations, the Communist Party, and other progressive movements, American women came to Donald Trump’s doorstep to express their anger, fury, indignation, and outrage over the fact that they can’t name a single right that men have and women don’t.

New lyrics – updated and improved:

That’s great it starts like an earthquake cargo snakes on aeroplane And Tammy Bruce is not afraid eye of a hurricane listen to the Dems churn World serves it’s own needs dummies serve your own needs Feeding off of faux speak grunts no strength The latter starts to clatter with fear fright down whites Why’re they on fire representing people’s gains In a government for hire and a left wing site Leftists west and dying in a hurry with the people breathing down your neck…

A Trump-hating protester set himself on fire last night outside the Trump International Hotel a few blocks from the White House in Washington, D.C. but failed to kill himself, according to reports.

The as yet unidentified 45-year-old Californian used an unidentified accelerant and a lighter in an unsuccessful attempt to flambe himself for social justice.

It was unclear if the man was insane or simply a very dedicated demonstrator. Given his disinclination to fully combust he is unlikely to have been an Eagle Scout.

A letter to all entertainers performing at Trump’s inauguration: We are the party of love. We’ve told you that over and over again, but you just don’t seem to get it, so we have no other choice but to send you this anonymous death threat. How DARE you reject our love? You JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND THAT WE WERE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER!!!! You forced our hand and now we must teach you that if you don’t do what we say, that means you don’t love us. And you’re supposed to love us. We are beautiful. We are kind. We are tolerant and inclusive and if you don’t agree with us, you must be silenced! We want to give ourselves to you, body and soul, BUT YOU JUST WON’T SEE IT AND GO OFF WHORING AFTER THAT BITCH!!!!!!

With just over 48 hours left of the Obama Administration, this is your last chance to remember if there is anything you might have done for which you need a pardon.

I’ll go first: My transgression and my cat’s transgression:

Years ago, Dear Leader’s glorious face graced the cover of the magazine Fast Company. I failed to frame it and put it on the wall so I could bow as I walked by. I left it on the couch… and my racist reichwing rethugiKKKan cat got sick all over the picture. Naturally, I mandated the cat to take eight weeks of diversity and sensitivity training…

President Obama awarded himself the prestigious, ‘Distinguished Public Service Medal’ on Wednesday, January 4th, 2017.

During his teary-eyed presentation speech, he referred to himself some 97 times while gloriously expounding on his many accomplishments, performances and outstanding golf games.

Through tears of joy during the acceptance speech, he referred to himself another 163 times expounding upon his many successes and how smart he is.

We breathlessly await more medals of this type to be awarded to Barack Obama.

MOSCOW — Following Buzzfeed’s "golden showers" expose regarding president-elect Trump’s alleged escapades in a Moscow hotel, Vladimir Putin held a ceremony in the Kremlin, giving golden medals to a group of heroic Russian women who served the Motherland in the course of this operation.

"Trump has been organizing beauty pageants, hanging out with beautiful women who had gone through medical examination. Why would he leave them for unvetted females with a lowered sense of social responsibility?" he said. "Unless they are highly trained and thoroughly examined operatives with a heightened sense of social responsibility and patriotism, like this group here."

Don’t miss this post-election fire sale as the Clinton Foundation closes its doors and lays off its non-unionized employees. Everything & everyone must go! br /> – All starving Third-World children are half off, barely used. – Deep discounts on African and Middle Eastern dictators. – Speaking fees now only $20,000. – No refunds on pre-election deposits. – Government influence all sold out. – Uranium deals by appointment only. – Now available in all totalitarian states.

A behind the scenes look at how Pee-Gate really happened.

We have long known that right-wing people are better looking, smarter, happier, and even have a better sex life without demanding that the government pays for their contraceptives.

No one knew how to effectively argue that fact, deny it, rationalize it, or turn it into an asset – until now. A groundbreaking scientific research has finally answered the most puzzling question of the Universe: Why would anyone in their right mind ever vote for a right-winger?

As a side effect, scientists also explained that people’s right-wing politics stem from their beauty, talent, ability, strength, and well-being, which also signals…

I raise a tin cup of glorious beet vodka (with a splash of tractor fuel) to the imaginary hookers.

Once again the mainstream media is trickling out details, one drip at a time…But I’m puzzled. People PAY to get their beds wet? I know some folks with pure talent.

This just in: The search for prostitutes who peed on Obama’s bed has been narrowed down to one suspect…

The People’s Cube entry has just been purged from Wikipedia. Congratulations, comrades. We are now officially a non-site populated by non-persons sharing non-thoughts and making non-jokes. It makes me feel right at home, back in the Soviet Union, where an invisible hand obstructed any of my efforts to manifest my existence. How liberating. No visibility means no responsibility. Out of sight, out of mind.

As a linguistic experiment, scientists once had "out of sight, out of mind" translated into Russian and then back into English. The phrase returned as "invisible lunatics." That’s who we are now. No need to think now, non-people. The Wiki-progs have turned us into invisible lunatics.

Announcing Volume 1 Number 1 of TRUMPIAN HORRORS – the new, hip, retro-pulp fiction magazine for Cis Males, Cis Men, Trans Males, …and Androgynes …who are feeling a little bit on the butch side today.

Each month (or whenever we get around to it — publishing schedules are racist), TRUMPIAN HORRORS will bring you gripping fictionalized accounts (but NOT FAKE NEWS!) of the latest sickening atrocities inflicted upon the the U.S., the world, the Universe, and beyond by The Evil TrumpHitler.

Headline story (and Trigger Warning!) in our premier issue: I WAS FORCED TO SING AT TRUMPS INAUGURATION, the true story of a poor, but talented, single-mother, 1/16th Native American, trans-questioning, Chicago civil servant whom The TrumpHitler implacably forced to compromise her sterling liberal values to croon for The TrumpHitler’s drooling delight while suffering the humiliation of the leering eyes of TrumpHitler’s Deplorables Squads (with assistance by Russian hackers).

Dear President Obama,

I would like to take the time to honestly thank you from the bottom of my heart for having a huge hand in creating the greatest age for satire that the world has ever seen. But aside from that, there is so much more to be thankful for.

I believe that I also speak for countless college-educated people when I say that during the dusk of your presidency we should take the time to list some of the amazing things you have done and to reflect upon them.

When we first saw this headline, we thought it was yet another satirical spoof about Snopes, similar to our own previous exploits: Snopes Co-Founder Embezzles $98,000, Drops Weight, Leaves Fat Wife And Marries Actual Whore

Turns out, this is a true story, fully backed by Daily Mail. But first, let’s step back a little. We’ve had a few spates with Snopes in the past. It was all fun and games when Snopes co-founder David Mikkelson first debunked our story about Rosie O’Donnell getting a tramp stamp with ISIS flag to support Islamic ‘freedom fighters’…

On Wednesday, President Obama added another prestigious medal to his Nobel Prize collection when he had Defense Secretary Ash Carter award him the Department of Defense Medal for Distinguished Public Service.

??If ?this caught you by surprise, you’re not alone. Most Americans had no idea that the Pentagon ?had such an ?award??.? Additionally, you may not be aware that several countries are ?also expected to ?invite? president ?Obama ?to medal ceremonies in appreciation of his many stellar contributions.

25 years ago George Bush Sr. was still in office, and so was Saddam Hussein. The European Union didn’t exist and neither did China’s economic powerhouse. The Berlin wall had just come down and Germany had finally reunited. Hillary Clinton was a little-known mouthy First Lady of Arkansas and the media gleefully predicted that Donald Trump would never climb back to the top after his Atlantic City fiasco.

On the other side of the Iron Curtain, the Eastern bloc was in shambles, but the USSR was still standing with Mikhail Gorbachev at the helm. The KGB meddled in other countries’ affairs as usual, spreading "fake news" and helping leftist politicians with no objections from the Western media…

The Wikipedia page about the People’s Cube may be purged in a few days and we’ll become a non-site unless we take action.

There is an ongoing Wikipedia discussion / show trial, in which you can vote for or against deleting the People’s Cube for being "unworthy" to grace the pages of Wikipedia. You can add your two kopeks to the discussion here:

Wikipedia:Articles for deletion/The People’s Cube

First the reason for deletion was "confrontational language." Then it was phony "copyright issues." Now they question our "noteworthiness." This is plain harassment and trolling.

In this New Year edition of No News – Good News we are happy to inform our readers that the following things did not occur this year:

– FBI: Santa disclosed naughty list on WikiLeaks, "Helped Trump win election"; Obama expels Rudolph, Prancer, Vixen, and 35 elves in retaliation – California builds wall to keep out Trump supporters – Bernie supporters stunned there is no socialist Santa Claus, vow to continue demanding free chocolate cookies, milk – Washington Post sues Internet for infringing on "fake news" business – Controversy in the lab: white mold excludes black mold; Harvard biologist blames "Petri dish cultures of hate" – Scientific News: Long after 1961 burial physicists uncertain Schrodinger is dead – Sexed-up Mother Russia becomes Milf Russia; Motherland renamed into Milfland on Putin’s orders…

By popular demand, we have made two versions of this design – cute and rebellious – pick whichever feels more "deplorable" to you.

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