#and my other friend said fuck it. im gonna be barney

[ceasarslegion]

wait, now im really interested in the silica gel drama. how did hlrp sex ed lead to eating a gel packet?

This is going to require a novel's length of context.

To begin, I want to underline that this is not meant to be a callout post, and I will not be providing any identifying traits that could be used to single this person out. The most you will get out of that are she/her pronouns, and her age at the time this happened, which was years ago, and I will not specify what year. I genuinely do hope she got the help she needed after this, because LORD knows she needs it and didn't find it at home. This is also not meant to be a character assassination, nor should anybody who reads this post consider it to be a takedown of any sort, and if you try to find this person through me or any of our mutual friends, you will not be met with kind words. The only thing this is meant to be is a wild-ass story of some of the most off the wall experiences I personally had with this person from my specific side of the story, with a few no-username screenshots attached to prove I am not bullshitting you.

With that in mind, let's get started. This is going to be very long, so I'm throwing in a read more

Back when I was in uni, I joined a growing group of Half Life roleplay blogs. The whole idea of our group was that we each chose a character, canon or OC, and we would blog as if the pre-Black Mesa incident moment in the timeline was a workplace comedy a la The Office or Superstore. I played Barney, because I was already working night shift security at this point and thought it would be funny. Plus, it gave me something to do that wasn't staring at CCTV feeds all night tossing a ball against the wall. We played off of each other very well, yes-anding our way through funny little situations and plotlines we put together. At one point we had roleplayed enough that one of the scientist rpers created a discord server for us to talk as the actual people we are instead of through characters.

Great idea at the time. None of us saw the "Pandora's box" label on the tin before we opened it. Would I still join it if I knew what was about to transpire? Yes, because I met my boyfriend and many genuinely lovely friends through it. Would I hesitate for a second first, though, as the events that are about to transpire flashed before my eyes? Oh, abso-fucking-lutely.

We started off as many fandom servers do: chill for the most part, very loud minority of a few assholes who ruined it for the rest of us, but unlike most fandom servers, we actually won and it ended in them getting banned and the server itself surviving to this day. But the other two lunatics are not who you came here for. You want the christian lunatic.

Let's give her a nickname to make this easier. I have the Sylveon build a bear on my PC desk. Let's call her Syl.

Syl was not there for Half Life, she was there for Portal. She LOVED Portal, Half Life was just part of the same universe for her. Portal wasn't just a game for her, it was her entire personality. Which I didn't see much of an issue with at the time, because she said she was 15. Whatever, I thought; she'll learn to control her emotional attachment to things as she gets older. Syl also said that she was christian. I am a flaming atheist who doesn't even believe in the concept of a soul in comparison and I am NOT the biggest fan of christianity as an institution to put it mildly, but I'm not gonna like, be a dick to you for your personal religion if you are not a dick about my beliefs, so I didn't think much of it at the time.

It quickly became apparent that Syl looked up to me more than any of the other adults in the group the more I would talk about my life growing up as a third culture kid and moving out on my own at 19, working 2 jobs and going to a good university. She would ask me a lot about growing up and uni and moving out and yes, sex ed, and it became even more apparent that she didn't get any actual guidance from her parents or pastors or ANYBODY beyond bible studies and homeschooling, so I kinda stumbled into a mentorship role in her life. I wasn't cold, but I was aware of the age and maturity difference between us and established the appropriate boundaries with her and made it very clear that I am an internet friend, not an irl friend or an educator, but if no one else was going to give her information that wasn't actively harmful then fuck, I guess SOMEONE had to do it. I could not in good conscience watch some kid go through life with harmful inaccuracies about the world and basic human biology when I could have done something about it, y'know?

And the more things I taught her about the real world and how things actually work rather than how her republican bible-thumping rural town said they did, the more I realized she was born into a full-blown cult under the guise of a christian congregation. Oh goody, I had my work cut out for me. I will not get into the details of how messed up this group was because it will be a dead giveaway of where she lives and potentially who she is, but let's just say that one time I said that I appreciated the gesture of praying for me during a stressful week I was having but it didn't really do anything for my mental health because I was an atheist, and she sent me a bunch of bible verses begging me to start believing and said "I just don't want you to go to hell because you're so nice :((" EXCUSE ME??? Another time she said that death was only sad for non-christians because their loved ones were in hell and that proper christians deaths were a good thing because they were in heaven now. Hi, that's the most insensitive death cult shit I've ever heard in my goddamn life.

Okay, set up is done. All of these details will tie in like the world's worst reboot of Pulp Fiction, I prommy.

After a good long while learning about the world from me (which like... a uni kid working night shift security is not exactly an academic source but we take what we can get) and exposure to viewpoints outside of her in-group, Syl began that very painful journey of realizing that what the cult taught you was a lie. Except that she just wasn't grasping that unlearning things was an active process. She started to flip to the opposite side very quickly, but kept all the fundamental brainwashing of the cult that raised her. The concepts were all the same, just slapped a different label on them. This created a noticeable pull between two sides of the same personality: the cult personality, and the person beyond the cult who wanted to break free. Mix that with how fucking 15 years old every 15 year old is, and you have a LETHAL concoction just waiting to blow up at the first sign of a spark.

Remember how I said that Portal was her whole personality? Syl decided that she wanted to be a scientist, and go into an ivy league program like I was in (I was in a SOCIAL science, but sure). Problem was, she didn't have the grades or the ambition, really. I had told her that I still got into an ivy league when I failed math in high school, and she seemed to completely miss the part where I said that I also joined every extra-curricular, then worked for 2 gap years for recognized institutions, and wrote an essay about why my math grade is not relevant to my program. I did it with one bad grade, so she was justified in basically just slacking off and then excusing it with "but its haaarrrdd" when we'd tell her she needs to put the fucking work in NOW if that's what she wants to do.

It quickly derailed from here. Not only was she going to be a scientist, she was going to be like Cave Johnson. And she was going to... replace her body with robot parts so she could be like glados. I don't... think she actually knew what science is, because she would just publically fantasize about running unethical experiments on people in the name of "science," and talk about how one day she wants to basically establish aperture labs for real. All of us who were there kind of agree that we don't think she was joking based on what we knew about her and the cadence of her tone. Here's something she said at the time to give you an idea of what direction she was nosediving in:

This was after a session with her therapist where said therapist said that she definitely has some kind of personality disorder, after which she was weirdly proud of having one and treated it like a badge of honour.

Syl then made a separate group chat for all the best friends she made on the server. There was her, me, @false-pyre, and @imtheaura. She titled it "My Family," despite the fact that we were all adults and she was 15 and she only knew us over a discord half life server where one person in it stepped up to somewhat equip her for real life outside of a cult. Regardless though that GC was more the vibe of a group of friends sharing memes and chatting about the day than the wider server was at the time. The others began to also take on a sort of mentorship role towards her as well, because that's kind of inevitable when you get someone talking about teenager problems in a room full of adults who all made the same mistakes before in their own lives. Well, minus the cult.

And remember how I said that she didn't unlearn any of the cult shit? Well, there was a lot of proselytizing. She decided she wasn't christian for a spell, but still wanted us and everyone to know that jesus was the lord and savior and we had to accept him or we'd burn in hell. Usually said after we'd make some joke about satan being daddy or declaring ourselves god instead, because that is just the type of humor the others and i have with each other. She took it so personally whenever one of us would go "oh my god" "you called?" it was fucking annoying. I lost count of the amount of lectures she gave us, all of which I'd shut down and tell her to get a grip about because I have a big stupid mouth.

The others and I also like to talk about evolution, and speculate about where we're going from here. My fucking god, did she not like that. She bit our heads off about how evolution isn't real and god made everyone as we are and there's no scientific evidence or whatever the hell. Like yeah good luck getting into STEM with that mindset. Whenever we pointed out that she was objectively wrong about that, she'd have a big stupid meltdown about how much we're slandering god and how jesus died for us and we're spitting in his face or whatever. He should spit in MY face inste-*GUNSHOT*

Eventually, we were making some actual progress with her. She was still one fry short of a happy meal and going off about how much she wanted to put living subjects in test tubes in between knocking on our doors and reciting Hello from the Book of Mormon musical, but we were getting somewhere. And then she went back to in person school, and her favourite teacher got fired.

The schoolboard did not say why she got fired, but we all had our suspicions that it was because she openly supported queer rights in a cult town. She was coincidentally retired shortly after making a declaration that queer people are still welcome in god's kingdom. This teacher was the first in person adult Syl had for guidance, so that incident shook her to her core, and she fell right back into the extremism. Hook, line, and sinker, even more extreme than before.

She was WEIRD that week, man. Suddenly everything was about how great god was, how amazing jesus was. Suddenly she understood why her cult member parents "just wanted to protect her" from gay characters on disney+ originals. Suddenly no one could say "jesus christ lol" around her or she'd have a fit. I said "I hate cycle counts lmao i wanna kms" because my then-job (I had graduated at this point) made me do inventory management spontaneously and wouldn't let me go home until I had counted every product in the store, and she bit my head off accusing me of turning suicide into a joke.

It was that incident that made us tell her to knock it off already, that we understood it was a hard week for her and she was in a period of grief, but that is no excuse for how she had been acting towards everyone around her that wasnt christian, and that she was actively relapsing. I'll let the exchange speak for itself:

So uh. After years of helping Syl through this she goes and pulls this bullshit. And then has the fucking AUDACITY to act like nothing ever happened in the wider server. I am genuinely gobsmacked by the balls on her to act like it was all sunshine and rainbows in the wider server after sending this and immediately leaving the same GC SHE made and titled "My Family" just because we told her to stop acting like a goddamn Jonestown citizen after all the work we'd put in to get her out of that mentality at this point.

So I dragged her up in front of everyone and essentially said "no, nuh uh, you don't get to say that shit to the people who have lost sleep and asked for nothing in return trying to help you escape a cult over the last 2 years and then act like we're all buddy buddy to everybody else. You don't get to be that arrogant and self-righteous without any consequences. I don't give a fuck how young you are, you DON'T treat the people who have helped you this much like that, you selfish little shit. How dare you treat us like this after all we've done for you over the years."

Unfortunately, no one involved had surviving screenshots of this, but they can back me up on it if they so choose. And oh boy, DID she face the consequences of her own actions. The whole server basically turned their heads and went "what the FUCK is wrong with you, Syl??" and asked her to at least like, apologize. She proceeded to double down with the added audacity of "you guys taught me how to establish healthy boundaries, that's all I'm doing right now :(( oh woe is me :(((" like WOW, okay. Someone's really going for the persecution complex.

Here's her last goodbye to us all before the mass block fest occured:

Oh, boohoo. You're so hard done by. You spat in the faces of everyone who stayed up all night multiple times helping you through crises and spent the last 2 years teaching you about how the world really worked and then they asked you to apologize after you tried to escape accountability. You truly are god's strongest soldier, the most persecuted minority in the world. Let me play you an ode to how righteous and holy you are and how this was the most important hill to sacrifice all your outsider friendships on on the world's smallest violin.

Syl then went on to post on her roleplay blog that she "was banned because I spoke up for what was right, and they didn't like that" before deleting it. Truly no one has suffered as much as you.

Anyway, the day after that went down, I called in from work, bought this book, and read the whole thing purely out of spite:

It was greatly therapeutic. After that incident, I vowed to never sanitize my own atheistic beliefs for the benefit of others again. If they don't like them, they don't have to talk to me. But I am not changing them for other people or keeping them quiet just to spare your feelings anymore, I have as much a right to my beliefs as anyone else does, including the world's most persecuted minority here.

And well, the silica gel incident?

There was one incident, during the height of Syl's "I am the irl cave johnson and only want to get into STEM to conduct unethical experiments on people. follow jesus" era, the rest of us were joking about how silica gel packets are the ultimate forbidden snack, and said "haha would eating it make you see shrimp colours" knowing full well it can kill you.

Syl proceeded to actually eat a silica gel packet and then send in "it has a sandy texture and tastes bad" prompting the rest of us to go "WE WERE FUCKING JOKING FIND YOUR POISON CONTROL HOTLINE RIGHT NOW"

And because i didnt get this done until now, I'll tag everyone who said they wanted to read this or expressed interest: @captainjonnitkessler @formydarlingtoread @cra-zwizard @chasingnightrainbows

[black-mesa-slut-voice]

Black Mesa, but the security is fucked up and terrible

[thegeminisage]

i have HAD IT. mine own human mother actually said to my face “i know you THINK you’re ambidextrous” FFFFFT BECAUSE WHAT DO I KNOW LOL kind of like how i THOUGHT i had ad(h)d or how i THOUGHT i was in love w/ a girl when really it’s not possible for girls to love other girls that way or like i THOUGHT she wouldn’t be able to quit smoking if she used vaping as a crutch or how i THOUGHT if she gave one ride to her stupid junkie friend we’d get roped into doing it every day forever until they had a falling out and she got robbed to the tune of THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS or how i THOUGHT if we took a flea market booth our house would get CONSUMED by mostly worthless junk WHICH IT IS!!! this is what’s been pissing me off all week! we’re trying to clean up the house enough so that we can get linoleum/laminate floors because the carpet is probably literally killing us and we keep running into STUFF and there’s not enough room at the store for it and i keep telling her we need to goodwill some of it or rent a storage unit or SOMETHING because there's so little room left in the house we don’t even have a space to sort it or go through it we don’t even have enough space to sit down in our own living room but NO if it will sell for even a QUARTER we have to keep it even though we’re not actually that broke anymore! “if we go into the secondhand business it will help us clean up the house” bull SHIT it helped us clean up the house the house looks like it belongs on an episode of hoarders because she scoops up every single free piece of furniture or box of kids toys she sees on facebook and now we’re out of room and there’s nowhere left we have whole rooms floors to ceiling with stuff our entire basement is full of stuff and you know who said this exact thing would happen when we started? me, who apparently doesn’t know jack or shit, because i don’t even know which hand i’m supposed to use to give someone a shot! well cry me a FUCKING river because it doesn’t matter which hand you use you cannot control the way directions work. if you want the shot on the left side of your stomach i’m gonna have to use my left goddamn hand and if i don’t and it pinches it’s because i’m not a registered god damned nurse because my ass had to DROP OUT OF COLLEGE and im LIVING AT HOME to take care of someone who thinks i am a fucking POSER pretending to be ambidextrous so i can LOOK COOL in front of all the friends I DON’T HAVE out here in good old Nowhere, Dixie Shit County, home of beating the jesus into queers and sucking donald tr*mp’s dick while jacking off to the confederacy! like are you FUCKING KIDDING ME i’m surprised they don’t hunt lefties for sport and stick our heads on the wall since apparently thats what passes for entertainment with brainwashed bass-ackwards cousin-fucking bible-thumping gun-toting methed up illiterate fucking HICKS!!! i THINK i’m ambidextrous! well excuse me for having a thought! at least i’ve got two fucking brain cells to rub together, barney fife!!!!!!!!!

[peterjakes]

My Mad Fat Diary Fanfic - The Two Months - Chapter 3

Chapter 3 - Chizzy: The Final Tour

The title is so cringe I know! I don't know if anyone's actually reading this but I've been away which is why the delay for an update. A slightly shorter chapter but I enjoyed writing this. Izzy and Chop are so cute but even they have their problems.

Also posted on ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20154688/chapters/47769328#workskin

Izzy was one of the most excitable people in Stamford, she was like a little puppy, especially when it came to spending time with Chop. It was a miracle they were still together if Izzy was being completely honest. She was glad, of course, but that didn’t mean she didn’t hate her behaviour. She shouldn’t have done anything with Peter. End of. And she shouldn’t have blamed Chop, even if he had been completely horrible to Archie and acted as if Izzy’s feelings didn’t matter. He shouldn’t have gotten jealous about Izzy hanging around other boys, but Izzy supposed that she just proved him right. They were fine now, but sometimes she wished they’d gone about everything differently She loved Chop, even if she hadn’t actually said it yet. Not properly. Little ‘love ya’ goodbyes didn’t count in Izzy’s eyes. He’d said it her, quite a few times, more so recently but Izzy imagined that was just because of everything that happened, so that didn’t really count either. She wanted to say it, but just went to jelly whenever she was with Chop, even more than when he didn’t notice her.

Chop had rung her earlier, said he had a big surprise with made Izzy more nervous than she had been for a long time. What was he going to say? What was he going to do? Izzy hoped for something that would break the tension between the two, because she hadn’t been enjoying that. Chop wanted to go to the pub, but Izzy didn’t want anyone to walk in on them so suggested going to his flat. She didn’t particularly like Chop’s flat if she was honest. It was quite messy and grubby. If Izzy lived there, she would make it the cutest, little flat in Stamford. Izzy liked decorating and begged Chop to let her do some work or even just show him her ideas, but he refused, saying it was perfect as it was. It wasn’t. Nothing was perfect in their relationship, not really. Everyone outside always said how cute they were and how nothing could break them. How wrong they were. Chop didn’t seem to have a clue either. Thought everything was all fine now the gang were back together, but Izzy was still reeling from what happened. It was quite surprising, because Izzy hardly got angry about anything. But the way Chop had handled the situation didn’t sit right with Izzy. To be fair to him, he had apologised to Izzy and Archie. He had tried afterwards to not make it awkward. But Chop could be pretty clueless about everything. And he never spoke to Izzy about how he was feeling. Typical boy. All of these thoughts swam around Izzy mind until she reached Chop’s flat, she still had a spare key but hardly every used it. This wasn’t one of those times. If she was going to talk to Chop properly about everything, she was going to have to grow some balls.

In comparison, Chop was beside himself with glee. Meeting with Archie had actually made him see things clearly. Everything was fine, with everyone. And one of his legendary sexy parties? Who could resist that? Things will Izzy had been pretty solid too, all things considering. They’d both messed up but Chop mainly blamed himself. He’d been a pretty crap boyfriend. A terrible friend. And an all-round dickhead. But he going to change it. Otherwise, everything would fall apart again.

“Iz!” She was greeted by one of Chop’s cheeky grins and a peck on the cheek. He tried to go for another kiss, but Izzy managed to slide out from under his arms. Chop didn’t seem to realise and rushed her to his kitchen. It was the size of a brook cupboard, Chop seemed to have forgotten to do last night’s washing up and the night before as well. There were broken plates on the surface and a random house plant sitting inside a washing bin – at least he’d finally bought one of those.

“What’s this surprise then? Better be that you’re letting me redecorate this place!”

“Redec- nah, nah. This is a bachelor’s paradise Iz!” He waved his arms out, trying to show off how great his flat was. He thought it was pretty great. Not many lads his age had managed to secure a decent flat, especially on his wage. Izzy wasn’t so sure at the beginning, when he told her he was moving out, which surprised Chop to be honest. His own flat meant more time together. Alone. And they had that for a while but recently Chop had noticed a slight change in how Izzy acted around him. She hadn't wanted to come around as much and at first Chop put that down to college work, but he wasn't stupid. He could tell something was up. But was too scared to say anything. He didn't want to fuck up again.

“You’re not a bachelor though, Chop. It’s a mess.” Izzy wrapped one of Chop’s dirty football shirts in her hand as she said this, waving it in his face. Izzy hated it when he wouldn’t get to the point. She hated it when he made stupid remarks. But one look at that face and almost all was forgiven.

“Don’t matter, ‘lright?” He pulled the shirt outside of Izzy’s hand, dragging her closer to him. “We ‘ave very important business to attend ‘ta! ‘rnold Peters has a brilliant plan and ‘e needs his lovely assistant to ‘elp!” He wrapped his slender arms around her small waist, swaying her side to side with a small twinkle in his eyes.

“I thought you were surprising me. I got all excited for nothing.” Izzy pulls a sour face, indicating to Chop that she’s not angry, only kidding, and gives him a small peck on his lips, mirroring their earlier kiss. They haven’t been that … intimate recently. They’d kissed and made up, but Izzy hadn’t wanted things to go further. She knew Chop was frustrated, even if he didn’t want to be. She was grateful for that; she was grateful for Chop. But the problem was getting back to how they were. She didn’t even dare mention this to Chop, who thought everything was completely fine in the world. And she didn’t want to disturb that but wondered if she could carry on the way they were.

“It is a surprise! Just not for just ‘ya, for everyone!”

“Chop!” Izzy was trying to remain happy and calm, but they became very hard whenever Chop was being difficult. Not that has was that difficult, but he could be a right nightmare sometimes. Everyone said she was a saint for putting up with him and at first, she didn’t think that was fair, but recently she’d come to realise how true that comment was. All Izzy really wanted was for her and Chop to go back to normal. Or at least try. She felt like he didn’t really understand her, not anymore and she didn’t want to cause anymore trouble. Whenever she’d tried to talk to Chop about everything, he’d just brush it off.

“I need ‘ya help, ‘m gonna host the most legendary sexy party that Stamford has ever seen, ‘right? ‘ows that for a surprise?” Chop was obviously pleased with himself. And why wouldn’t he be? At least he was trying. At least he was making an effort. Everyone else seemed to just disappear again, and Chop didn’t want that. At least this way everyone could come together, properly come together and Chop could make sure everyone was cool again. That’s all Chop really wanted.

“You got me to come around here, for a sexy party? Why?”

“It’s Arch, Iz. ‘e needs cheering up, I think. ‘asn’t been himself seen, ya know. My fault really.”

“Oh, Chop. I thought we’d been over this. Everything’s fine. You just…” Izzy moved to wrap herself back around Chop, but he slithers away.

“ya gonna ‘elp meh or not?” Chop gave Izzy a look that a year ago would have made her melted but now made her feel intensely guilty.

“Yes, yes I’ll help!” She gives Chop a reassuring smile, but even he can tell she isn’t completely sure about his plan. “But I mean it, it was all our fault. And… I want us to be okay, don’t you?”

A slightly confused look merged on Chop’s face. “Aren’t we?”

“Y-yes, but parties can’t solve everything, you know.” In Izzy’s experience, some of Chop’s parties actually made things worse. Like when Finn and Duke ended up having a brawl across Chloe’s garden in October. Or when Archie and Rae got completely soaked because Barney had forgotten to turn off his dad’s hose. And those were some of the tame examples Izzy could remember.

“Just wanted ‘ta cheer ‘im up, Iz. Cheer ‘ya all up. Fucked everything up, didn’t I?” It was in this moment that Izzy realised that a down beaten Chop was not the Chop she should have been wishing for. This was her Chop. The real Chop. Not the ‘jack the lad’ who’d buy everyone a pint or who’d hang around with complete arseholes. The one who stood up in front of everyone and told her how he felt, the one who clapped after Rae revealed about her being in hospital, the one who he kissed Archie in front of everyone. That’s who Izzy wanted. That’s who she knew she was in love with, even if she couldn’t say it. But she didn’t want him to keep blaming himself. He didn’t deserve that – he was a good person. Which was something he wasn’t told very often, especially from Izzy.

When Izzy goes to wrap herself around Chop, he lets her this time. Her small body seems to fit perfectly against his and Izzy feels at home. She always has. She knows they've hit a few rough patches, but Chop would never do anything to hurt her. He does enough of that to himself. And Izzy knows she should be there for him, just as he’s been for her. She nuzzles her head into Chop’s chest once again, before he plants a small but sincere kiss on the top of her head.

"Cheers, Iz. I love 'ya, 'ya know."

"I know," Izzy pauses and glances up towards Chop, making sure he's listening. "I love you too." Izzy could sense a wide smile forming on Chop's face, one of those lovely grins she couldn't resist.

"So, 'ya gonna 'elp me now?"

[charliebattinson]

BEST FRIENDS? | Best Friend! Shawn [BP] Part 1 | Shawn Mendes

A/N: Hello! I’m splitting this thing into two parts because it was so long haha. I just had so many ideas!! Honestly i’m such a sucker for the “best friends to lovers” trope it may be cliche as hell but it’s my fave. Part 2 has more of a storyline to it just in bullet point form! Also wanna thank @siennarossi, @innocent-before-mendes and @i-keep-craving-craving for advice and for helping me out! Hope you enjoy! Feedback is appreciated! Have a lovely day! ♡♡♡

☆ Read Part 2 here ☆

You moved to pickering when you were a kid and met Shawn when you were 4

He was your neighbor

Bedrooms facing each other

You always thought how stupid he looked trying to climb the tree that was impossible to climb at his age

Since you were new to town when you went to school you knew nobody

Playtime came and you saw shawn by the sandbox playing by himself

You walk to him and asked if you can play together

He was so shy "okay" red cheeks and all

Everything just hit off after that

You guys were attached to the hip

Walking to school holding hands or seating beside each other on the school bus

Some girls from school wanted to play with you and you were so happy to make more friends that you brought shawn with you but the girls said they don't play with boys

"But shawn goes with me wherever i go"

"I guess you can't play with us"

You ditch them for Shawn

“I’ll play your barbie dolls with you y/n”

Wouldn't it be cute to imagine when your parents open the door and look down to see kid shawn in his squeaky voice “Good afternoon Ms. y/l/n! Is y/n there?"

You guys loved watching barney together and singing the theme song

Role playing power rangers and pretending to be fighting each other

Till that one time you accidentally punched Shawn in the face and his nose bled

You always attend each other’s birthday parties and you always need each other by your side before blowing your birthday cake

You play husband wife sometimes

“y/n when were older im going to marry you”

“why shawn” “cause you’re my best friend”

Riding bikes together

Getting boo boos and helping each other out with the wound

“Here’s a bandaid Shawn it’s the barbie one”

Eating ice cream by the front porch

PLAYGROUND PLAYDATES

Giggling to each other while your both on the swings

Sometimes when there’s only one swing left Shawn would offer it to you and he’d start pushing your swing

Lots and lots of videos of you two when you were kids

Halloween time is always a fun time for the both of you because you guys to get to do matching costumes

One year would be you as Mario and Shawn as Luigi with the matching mustaches

“Hey how come you get to be Mario?” “Because I’m cooler Shawn”

another time would be Kim possible and Ron stoppable

another time as Spongebob and Patrick

then ferris and cameron from ferris bueller’s day off but no one ever really got who you were dressing up as that year

and that one time in school where you thought everyone was going to be wearing halloween costumes turns out only and shawn did

Horror movie marathons every halloween

You remember the time Shawn screamed like a girl

“Y/N please don’ tell anyone”

When its Christmas you would go out and make the weirdest looking snowman, snow angels, drinking hot cocoa, baking cookies for santa and opening presents while trying to stay up late and wait for Santa Claus to come out

“My father is the actual santa claus??” “You’re so dumb Shawn”

School plays together!!! Like little mermaid where you played a fish and shawn played a lobster

One of your school plays was also King Arthur

You were a local villager and shawn was the village idiot

Coloring coloring books together

Going to camp together during the summer

11 year old Shawn would be sporting braces and you would make fun of him when he got it

“HAHAHAHAHAHA LOOK AT YOUR METAL MOUTH”

“shawn close your mouth you’re blinding me”

You were a little bit taller than him at that age

You guys would constantly call each other names the kiddish kind

“TOE LICKER” “BUTT SNIFFER” “ONION BREATHE”

He would freak out when he sees your bra laying on the bed

But would also be there for you when you start to panic when you finally get your period

“you aren’t going to die y/n. please your making me scared what if you die, i’m gonna be all alone”

shawn gets so scared when you say a bad word by accident

“Y/n you know we’re not supposed to be saying bad words or we’ll go to hell”

You’re both appalled by kissing when your parents do it or when you’re watching a movie

“EWWWWWWWWWWW” “YUUCK”

“COOTIES EW”

“okay class! go and pick a partner”

🌚 🌝

Your whole family knows Shawn. Shawn’s whole family knows you

Uncles, aunts, cousins and grandparents. THEY ALL KNOW SHAWN.

Your family is so familiar to having Shawn around the house so when he’s not there they ask “where’s Shawn?”

High school rolls in and you’re both invited to your first ever high school party

“Y/n do I wear a tux to these parties?” “Idiot”

He ended up wearing Capri shorts and his Birkenstocks

“Please tell me you aren’t wearing socks with your birkenstocks” “well…”

You play 7 minutes in heaven and shawn goes in with a girl

When he goes out, the girl looks so weirded out by shawn

“Well..what happened?”

“She was leaning for a kiss and I got nervous I just screamed at her”

you try alcohol for the first time together in your room; you raided wine in your parents collection

you both spit it out right after

“POISON!!!”

16 year old you is wondering how tall Shawn got over the summer because you have to tilt your head up to look at him

He’s also gotten cuter over the summer no more braces and thank god he stopped wearing those birkenstocks

he’s still wearing those baggy khaki pants

The insults have upgraded

“You stupid lanky dickhead” “fuck you y/n”

You both swear like sailors now

You’re by your lockers and he just salsa dances and sing songs  “look who got an A on chemistry byotch”

You’re both each other’s first kiss you rather have it be your best friend than be it someone else who won’t matter in a couple of years

Also for practice because Shawn ’s been pinning over some chick named Stephanie the whole freshman year

“Come on y/n so you can tell me if I suck or not”

He sucked

“YOU KISSED ME LIKE IM A CPR DUMMY”

Sleepovers at each other’s houses

passing notes in between classes, shawn wanting to play tic tac toe

Doing homework together

Copying each other’s homework

“Pssst shawn what’s the answer to no. 5?”

“I was gonna ask you that!”

“fuck”

Shawn going up your window late at night because he’s tall enough to finally climb the tree

but also the idiot tried doing a stunt and ended up bringing down one of your pipes down with him

you guys would meet each other by the window to say good night

sometimes when he knows you feel bad he would stare at your window and write down a note saying “are you okay?” or “feel better”

You attended junior prom together

“Look at you Shawn looking so fancy in that tux”

You see Shawn’s cheeks redden “thanks y/n you look pretty”

You try to pin his boutonnière and he keeps joking around that you pricked his skin

Till you actually pricked his skin cause he was moving around too much “idiot”

Ditched after a while cause it was getting boring, you both just headed out to the local diner and ordered milkshakes

For senior prom, you had to find a date because Shawn asked someone else; you were a little sad because you’re just used to you and Shawn doing everything together

Watching the schools football games together by the bleachers

They made shawn the school mascot

“it is a sauna inside here and i can’t fucking see anything”

always going together to high school parties

fist bumping to levels by avicii (beacause it was a bop at that time tbh)

asking each others approval when you find someone hot

constructing each other’s sentences before hitting send to your crush

there’s a girl that likes shawn and she’s very confident and flirting around with him and shawn just mumbles trying to talk to her “yeah ugh no yeah totally but ugh yeah no”

You’re just watching him trying your hardest not to laugh

“pathetic”

Giving each other tips on making a move

“I watched that movie hitch and they said that if a girl lingers by the front door it means she wants you to kiss her”

“Shawn you gotta stop screaming at a girl when they try to go near you”

You tell each other who you lost your virginity to and judging so hard

“WHY BECKY?” “Sleeping simon are you serious?”

Also being each other’s person to look for support and comfort whenver you’re feeling down

Shawn would get your favorite ice cream and listen to you on your bed cuddled up to him”

“Hey shawn i got your favorite muffins. Please tell me what’s wrong with you”

Shawn would tell you to leave him alone under the covers and you would just go under the covers

Being lab partners

Shawn making you laugh when he does an impersonation of professor fink with his lab coat and goggles

“Well according to my calculations..”

GRADUATION DAY

You would be cheering for each other when you both get on stage

“LETS GO Y/N LETS GO!!!”

“THAT’S MY BEST FRIEND RIGHT THERE”

Shawn would just blast “SCHOOLS OUT FOR SUMMER” on his jeep on your way to your graduation party

He wore a fucking vest and a casual tie with converse to the party

“A vest shawn? Really?”

”yolo y/n yolo”

Booze is present and you both have had a bit too much

You see Shawn standing up on the table dancing to Daft Punk’s One More Time

You push Shawn into the pool but he’s quick to grab you leaving both of you underwater

Going to the park after and riding the swings just like when you were kids

Figuring out what colleges to apply to

both of you just staring at your acceptance letters

“Open yours first” “No! You open yours first”

“FINE I’LL READ YOURS, YOU READ MINE”

Jumping because you both got in

Luckily you both wanted to go to the same college with just different courses so the long distance friendship is off the books

You’re headed off to college to fix your dorm rooms

Shawn would be in such a school spirit he’s already wearing the college hat and hoodie

Shawn just starts playing “everybody lets go” song from dora the explorer in the car

“Here we go...”

☆ Read part 2 here ☆

[likeabulletyoucanhurtme]

The 100 (questions that is....not band or TV show)

1. If you were on a 2 hour road trip and could only listen to one song on repeat until the trip was over what song would it be? idk it would depend. Could be Neck Deep - In Bloom but also if you go with Dream Theater - A Change Of Seasons thats only like 4 plays :) 2. If heaven or hell didn’t exist and wasn’t a reward would you still make an effort in being a good person? Atheists believe in good. 3. What’s your poison? Vices etc. JD 4. What’s your favorite thing about your hometown? the football team lol.

5. Are you a better friend to your friends than they are to you? It's a mutual thing that we don't really talk lol. I'm a horrible friend to most people but one did say I was angel, which was a compliment cause she’s religious even though I’m not

6. Have you ever ran a red light? I can't drive, but I ignore traffic signs when walking. They're more of a suggestion than a rule especially in Glasgow.

7. Who is the most influential person in your life? I influence myself; fuck all y'all.

8. Give me a hot take. What’s the unpopular opinion you stand by? Love Island is pish

9. What would the ten year old you think about you now? 10yr old me wanted to be an astronaught so idk lol probably disappointed

10. What’s your favorite city to visit/live in? Town lol I don't do visits

11. Tell me the story of your first kiss. She asked me out and I was kinda dithering but then just as she was walking away I shouted yes at her like a fucking lunatic and she turned around like "....oh." Then we snogged :P

12. What was your yearbook quote (if you didn’t have one what would it be)? The romans didnt invent a great civilisations by having meetings. They did it by killing all those who opposed them.

13. What’s a non-sexual turn on for you? Millie's Cookies <33333

14. Who’s your favorite non-animated movie character? The wee old dear from Last Train To Busan <3

15. You fall into $10K and you have to spend it on yourself and not bills, what do you buy? Gig tickets, alcohol and stuff off my list

16. Have you picked names for your children yet? one

17. Do you have any talents? I'm very good at singing badly

18. Which would you prefer: Netflix and Chill or iTunes and Chill? Netflix or iTunes themselves. I ain't got no chill. And no-ones interrupting me if I'm listening to music/watching something

19. Fill in the blank: I want to ____ your _____. _hug_, _soul_

20. Is once a cheater always a cheater true? idk people can change but I'd say the relationship is forever ruined. Someone that cheated on me might not cheat again, but I wouldn't trust them anymore.

21. In one word, What was the reason your last relationship failed? complacency

22. What’s something therapeutic you do when you’re stressed? listen to music

23. What was your favorite non-Pixar Disney Film? Big Hero 6

24.  Ruin a first date in 5 words or less. "I like country music" :P

25. Drums or Flats? I thought this was about music or highheels but google says its about chicken. And I prefer boneless!

26. Do you remember your last dream? What about? No idea, I don't remember them much I'm just greatful for whatever sleep I can get.

27. Do you want your kids to go to church, synagogue, temple, mosque? why? Never! I don't want to fill their heads with nonsense and a life of trying to conform to outdated arbitrary rules just so they have a good afterlife.

28. If Gerard Butler, Russell Crowe, and Liam Neeson get into a bar brawl who wins? The press?

29. Looking back would you have lost your virginity sooner than you did or later? Sooner. The lateness was not for lack of trying

30. Do you have a favorite book? Not really but it used to be either Reaper Man or The Hitch-hikers Guide To The Galaxy

31. Fuck Marry Kill? Do I get to pick my own??????? Fuck - "Main Course" Marry - hahahaha no Kill - your hopes and dreams

32. Is college worth it? Why? Yes because its good to know things and worth it to get a better job so you're not working beside me :)

33. Favorite Cartoon growing up. idk I can't really remember what I watched.

34. What’s your favorite social media besides tumblr? I'm on Facebook more but that's just to play games mostly

35. Does your first crush still look good? I don't talk to her anymore but her pictures aren't too bad

36. Do you think starting a gofundme is begging or helpful? Depends on the reason, like I've seen one just for a sesh which is fucking stupid, but like Americans do them for medical bills or some legit reasons.

37. Sesame Street or Barney? Sesame Street! Cookie Monster<3

38. What you’re favorite R&B Album of all time? I hate them all.

39. What movie(s) do you know all the lines to by heart? I can quote bits of films but probably not the whole film

40. Would you date someone you met on here? idk like I prefer this as a more anonymous space to share things and rant about people who actually know me. If I'm doing this right no-one I meet on here should figure out who I am :) But yes I'd date y'all cause you're all wonderful peoples

41. Would you rather be too hot or too cold? Too cold, it's Scotland you know?

42. Would you date yourself? I dont think I could put up with my own shit. And if it was like really my personality in a female form we'd be far too fucking shy to speak to each other.

43. Apple or Android? Android, Apple is a cult

44. What is the first song that you can remember learning the lyrics to? Daydream Believer for my aunties wedding

45. What are 3 of your favorite Michael Jackson songs? I genuinely do not like any of them but Alien Ant Farm covered Smooth Criminal if that counts?

46. Fill in the blanks: it’s not cheating if ___ ____ ____. you haven't actually kissed or slept with the other person and you're only sharing inappropriate messages on facebook and they've already said they're not a homewrecker... sorry, too specific?

47. Could you put your dreams on hold to support your bf/gf pursuing theirs? my dreams have been crushed so it would depend on what theirs were

48. What’s is the title to your autobiography? The Life And Times Of A Fucknut

49. Is there someone you’re trying not to call or text right now? YES! SO MUCH. I want to message her all the time but she hasn't messaged me and i dont want to appear desperate even though I am so I'm not gonna message first although I check every 5mins if shes messaged me

50. What is your favorite emoji or emoji combination? :P or ;)

51. Do you have any deal breakers in relationships? cheating lol.

52. Are you Tre or Doughboy? I had no idea so I googled it and Wikipedia says "Tre is highly intelligent but has a volatile temper and lacks respect" which is so me :) Idk who doughboy is lol

53. Favorite movie? Don't really have one tbh. I have too many I want to watch to bother re-watching something i've seen.

54. How long do you talk to someone before you expect a relationship? when you talk to someone its the start of a relationship in the loosest sense of the word because friendship is still the relationship between two people

55. Ruin a first date in 5 words or less. repeat questions would ruin a date cause it proves you're not listening

56. How old are you and how old do you feel? I'm 29 but I feel the same as i always have

57. Tag your favorite tumblr blog. @evilsupplyco

58. Your house is burning down and your family is safe what is the one material item you’d grab? my phone'd already be in my pocket so laptop?

59. How long until you introduce your bf/gf to your family? theyve met

60. Fill in the blank: All you need in this life of sin is you and your ____. Nope. All you need in this life of sin is you. No and your anything

61. Kobe, Jordan, or Lebron? neither

62. What is your favorite Drake lyric? I hate everything he has ever said

63. Where did you meet the last person you fell in love with? I don't fall in love, I believe I only fall in lust/infatuation/obsession.

64. Do you know your love language? I joined a shitty website to find the answer. Apparently it's physical touch and then words of affirmation.

65. Take a Myers Briggs Personality Test: what are your results? No. I fail at these. The questions are never things that i would do so i feel like im unintentionally lying and it never sounds like me

66. How do you feel about Quentin Taurentino films? Violence and blood what could be better?

67. Fill in the blank: Get you someone who will ______. _worship you as the amazing and beautiful bad ass bitch that you are <-- actual drunken advice from me

68. What’s your favorite movie soundtrack? Spiderman 2 i actually had the album

69. What’s your favorite fragrance on the opposite sex? i dont care what they smell like as long as its not fags

70. Is there any magazine, blog, or publication you read weekly? Nope

71. Will you abstain from sex or go to marriage counseling? Why are these my only options? But I'm not going to counselling, if they have issues then they should just tell me :)

72. There’s two kinds of people in the world: Those who pour ketchup on their fries, and the ones who put it on the side to dip. Which one are you? The one who doesn't order ketchup at all.

73. Rough sex or slow sex? Both. Either. Any lol

73. Have you ever slept with a stranger? Nope. Not that I have anything against it I've just never had the opportunity

74. What’s your dream music collaboration? Produced by who (Dead or Alive)? idk but probably produced by rick rubin cause that guy does eeeeeverything lol

75.  What song will you probably conceive your kids to? Music would just be a distraction

76. Do you have a scripture or quote you live by? Nope

77. Finish this sentence: If men had birth control _____. itd be free

78. How long should sex last? As long as both partners need

79. What music do you listen to when you de-stress? Just whatevers next on the playlist

80. How soon should you text someone after getting their number? The next time you want to tell them something but they arent there beside you?

81. How do you feel about the 80/20 rule? Living in lol but its more like erm 20/80?

82. Is sex a determinate in a relationship? Yeah. Why would you get with someone if you're not at least somewhat attracted to them?

83. Is it wrong to move in with someone or “shack up” before marriage? Nope

81. Send me a never have I ever. Never have I ever enjoyed beer

82. What is your favorite video game of all time? Spyro The Dragon

83. Who is your favorite book/movie character? "SQUEAK" said the Death Of Rats

84. Can you define love as best as you can? Nope

85. Does size matter? I hope not, women like taller guys lol.

86. What is your favorite thing about the person you like? Physically? Personality? idk

87. Five Year plan? Go! Don't get fired, save money, get an actual house, buy stuff off my list?

88. If someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to? idk i dont understand me so why you asking me?

89. Do you think of yourself as a human being or a human doing? Do you identify yourself by the things you do? I don't tend to think of myself at all really... and why would I identify myself?

90. What does emotionally available mean to you? Someone who is not emotionally closed off?

91. Could you go into business with your ex? Hahahahahahahah no

92. What is the last song you sang aloud? I'd Rather Drown ineverletpeopleinandihaveyoutoremindmewhy

93. If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you? They do. They told me. It sucks cause it changes nothing except igniting that small bit of hope id given up on...

94. How do you prefer to obtain your music Streaming, Downloads, or Physical? Physical albums for artists I like, even though it just goes straight into the laptop anyway i still like having albums

95. Name an artist you like that your friends probably don’t listen to. What friends? But erm Archangels Revenge. I doubt the ex members listen to them as much as I do lol

96. Tag someone that’s probably her baby father. this makes no sense?

97. Post a selfie you really like. nope

98. Do you watch anime? What is your favorite? Death Note or The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya so far, but ive got a lot on my list

99. What’s the zodiac sign of the last person you dated? Aquarius

100. Do you know Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior? I know that he is not either.

[vuisburning]

I HATE ALL OF YOU

OOOOH YES I DO!! YALL LOSER IMVU PEEPS THE TYPE OF PPL THAT WOULD CRY IF YOU LOST UR IMVU ACCOUNTS LMAOOOOOO AHHH 

ORB: you’re a self-centered, egotistical, wannabe emo who thinks he’s the fucking shit just because you’re one of the owners of an overrated room on IMVU when in real life, my nigga, you look like a disintegrated SACK OF NUTS. YOU’RE ONE OF THE BIGGEST FUCKBOYS ON THIS SHIT.

VRO: you think you’re big??? just cuz you also co-own xxx doesn’t make you a bigshot. sit your ass down, you trash. all you do do all day is sit behind your computer and play video games, thinking you’re the shit on an online game. go out and see the light once in a while. it won’t hurt you, you EMO FUCK!

CHAPO: another self centered douchebag who, and i know people have said this countless times before BECAUSE ITS TRUE, likes to have sex with underage girls. stop toying with girl’s feelings. go out and see life, you whitewashed piece of trash.

MEOW: meow another imvu thot. why don’t you get off older men’s dicks and go out and get an education??? another white imvu chick that thinks she’s all that because of her tier level and usernames. newsflash, little white girl! your shop AINT SHIT. and lastly, quit hopping from dick to dick, soph, it ain’t cute.

DRILL: you’re not gonna be on his lap for much longer, so stop trying so hard and convincing yourself. he’s using you like the thot you are - well, he’s a thot, too.

ADORE: you are just like meow@imvu. thotty and ugly. you the type to ditch your real friends for niggas that don’t even give two shits about your ass cuz of how ugly you are, inside and out.

HIS: whats up babydoll? you thought you werent gonna land on any lists, huh? you thought wrong. I DONT LIKE YOU. you’re nothing but a bimbo who’s literally there to be fucked with. that’s prolly your only use to any of your future bfs/husbands. to be USED. pretty in the face, ok, but your brain probably the size of a peanut. i alsp bet u do porn on the lowkey.

ROAST: where’d you go, bes??? :( we haven’t been seeing your ugly face around. where you been hiding, and who you been hiding from? not that i miss you but just curious! i think you finally realize that your ass been hated by almost everyone. 

ILUVMYCHOPPER: you think you’re a funny troll, don’t you? you’re actually the complete opposite of that, barney, and you’re the type to constantly to seek attention. you’re literally NOT funny breh. stop trying so hard. 

JAILBAIT: honestly you’re another dickrider in the xxx room. you really remind me of [removed] when she was on. miss i play video games just as good as boys do! that “i dont fuck with other females! im a tomboy” attitude isn’t going to get you nowhere in life, believe me. 

LUXURIANT: stop dick riding.

[notthetoothfairy]

He’s Got You High

For @a-simple-rainbow. ♥♥♥

She wanted something based on this post: Kurt sends an email to his TA while high on pain meds after a wisdom teeth extraction.

read on AO3

Blaine is in the middle of his theatre history class when his phone signals a new email in his inbox. Discreetly hiding the phone from his instructor’s view by keeping his hands behind a stack of textbooks on his desk, he goes to his email folder and checks the sender.

It reads, Kurt Hummel.

He has to bite his tongue to stop the smile forming on his lips. Kurt is a sophomore, only a year behind Blaine, and takes improv and stage combat class with Blaine. He’s also a student in one of Mme Tibideaux’s more advanced voice studio classes that Blaine miraculously got to be the TA for this year.

To say that Kurt is Blaine’s favorite student would be an understatement – in fact, hopelessly crushing on him is probably more accurate.

It’s not like Blaine is planning to do anything about it, at least not while he’s Kurt’s TA. It would be inappropriate, unprofessional, and probably also really awkward, especially if Kurt isn’t interested.

So, he’s not fooling himself into thinking that Kurt’s email will be anything out of the ordinary. Probably a note of absence or questions about the final exam… though, as Blaine notices with a frown, the subject reads “Paper Eggstension”. Autocorrect maybe? There’s no way Kurt’s spelling is that bad, Blaine has read and graded most of his MUS105 papers.

Glancing at the teacher to ensure he’s still unobserved, Blaine opens the email, intrigued and a bit concerned now. He scans the first few lines and – oh, wow.

Everyone at NYADA knows Kurt is full of surprises and he’s certainly made an impression on Blaine more than once but this…? This has Blaine blushing, giggling under his breath, shaking his head fondly and wanting to check up on Kurt all at once.

To: Blaine Anderson

From: Kurt Hummel

Subject: Paper Eggstension

---

Dear Mr. Blaine,

sry, I forgot your last name because Rachel calls you Mr. Dreamboat! And y would I use your last name anyway? You told us to call you Blaine. Thats a nice name. Blaiiiine.

You said other stuff too. Like that we could send you our MUS105 paper before we send it to Mme Tibidibideaux (I wish she let us call her Blaine too) but only if we dont miss the deadline. Now I gotta tell you: No can-do. But I have an excuse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know you don’t believe. But you should. Cuz Blaine, u see – I got my teeth removed. The smarty ones. The wisdom teat. Anyway. I got them out. It was brutality. So much pain, worse than when I watched you unfairly lose Midmight Madnesssss against that senior douche, whatever the fuck his name is again. You should have won Blaine. You were better. I think Rachel bribe the judge bc she went out with senior douche… what is hid name? Bobby? Barney?

But PLEASE could I get a few more days, could you ask Mme T.…??? I really wanna do well bc… you see, Mme T., she scares the hell out of me. Ha that rhymes, triple! Cuz I’m awesome. Yes, I am. You can just accept that as fact or you can also go out wih me and see how awesome I am for yourself, your choice (but pick the latter!). But anyway please please pls pls pls can I hand it the paper a bit later? I really cant submit something bad -- and Im afraid they pulled out my brain with the teeth!!!!!!!! I can’t write a well paper without a brain!

My doctor says Ill regret writing emails while Im hai (thats German for shark, funny fact) so I’m gonna stop and hope that you will say yes! Please bro? Oh! Brody. Brodouche. Midnight Madman. Destroy him next time! (He broke up with Rach, he deserves it.)

Thank you, Mr. Blaineboat. I really like you.

Kurt xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Blaine reads the email three times before deciding that he should wait until after class to type out a response. In the state he’s in right now, he’ll probably do something stupid and just write back, Yes to all.

He wants to, of course. He’d give Kurt an extension on his paper and say yes to a date with him in a heartbeat but… he knows he’ll have to convince Mme Tibideaux, sort out his personal TA-student dating policy (and maybe ask around if NYADA has an official take on it) and make sure Kurt really meant to type this and didn’t just do so in the spur of the painkiller-induced moment.

The class can’t end fast enough but as soon as it’s over and Blaine finds a quiet corner in the library to think of what to respond, he blanks, drafting several replies but ending up deleting all of them.

“Goddammit,” he mutters to himself. “Just write something.”

In the end, “something” doesn’t really compare to Shakespeare but Blaine figures that at least he won’t risk his job over it, either.

And maybe, just maybe, Kurt will catch the ambiguity in his words.

-

“What are you working on?” Rachel asks when she comes back to the loft, arms full of grocery bags that Kurt hopes are filled with veggies for him to make soup with. He seriously craves eating something that isn’t liquid but mushy veggies drowning in hot water really is the maximum of cheating when it comes to his pained cheeks. He knew it was a bad idea to get both upper wisdom teeth out the same day. But it’s too late to complain. At least he has a best friend who brings him soup.

Kurt sighs at the laptop in front of him.

“My paper for Mme Tibideaux,” he responds. “You know I love Sondheim but interpreting his work while physically injured makes me want to kill him.”

“He’s in his mid-eighties, Kurt,” Rachel tells him. “Let an old man be.”

“Ugh.” Kurt rubs his eyes. “The meds are making me tired, though.”

“Why do you even bother writing the paper when you got an extension from Mr. Dreamboat?”

Kurt frowns at Rachel. “Extension? When would I have gotten that?”

“In your email?” Rachel frowns back. “Come on, don’t tell me you chickened out just because you’re in love with him. He’s still our TA, he could probably do something about that deadline, so-”

“I don’t remember writing an email.” Kurt goes to student email and punches in his username and password. “Or getting one back, for that matter. Like, wouldn’t I rem-” He blinks in surprise, catching Blaine’s name in his inbox – twice, even. How high was he, exactly? “Wait, what did I…?” Clicking on the email, bits and pieces come back to him, and he suddenly grabs the couch cushion next to him, holding onto it for dear life. “Oh my god, no.”

“What?”

“Rachel.” Kurt feels the blood draining from his face. “Oh, Jesus, please tell me I didn’t write that…”

He scrolls through the quoted email below Blaine’s short responses (Dear Kurt, thank you for telling me! And yes, of course! I’ll talk to Mme Tibideaux, and get back to you once I know more. Get well soon! All the best, Blaine, and the more recent Dear Kurt, I got a yes from Mme Tibideaux, you’re getting one more week! Best, Blaine) and cringes when he reads the first line.

“I did. Fuuuuuck. Oh god, now I wish Sondheim could kill me.”

“Again, the guy’s, like, 85…” Rachel says slowly. “And why would you- whoa, is that your email to Blaine?”

Kurt doesn’t answer, instead opting to hide his face in his hands.

“You did not tell him we call him Mr. Dreamboat.”

Kurt whimpers.

“You did not ask him out!” Rachel squeals.

Kurt lets out a miserable whine.

“Oh my god, Kurt, you did not tell him you like him and signed the email with a dozen kissing faces!!!”

“WHAT?!” Kurt’s hands fly back to his laptop. He didn’t re-read that part. “Oh my god! I ju- Rachel, I can never go back to that school. I’m such a failure at life, Jesus Christ.”

“You’re very religious all of a sudden.”

“Don’t just sit there mocking me,” Kurt begs. “Tell me it was all just a bad dream.”

Rachel gives him a look of deep, genuine pity. “I really wish I could but I doubt my eyes can never unsee that email. Also, I know you wrote that while you were high on pain meds but I am a bit upset you never told me you didn’t like Brody. Might have saved me some trouble.”

Kurt rolls his eyes at her. “You honestly believe I never brought it up? What do you think we were we having that flea-market chair argument for? And don’t even pretend like you would have called it off with him just because I said something.” Rachel opens her mouth to speak but Kurt shakes his head violently. “It doesn’t matter, anyway – what am I going to do about this?!”

Rachel shrugs. “Kurt, it’s out there. All you can do now is roll with it.”

“In my grave, you mean?”

“In class. To which we’re going tomorrow since you’re so much better already,” Rachel tells him sternly. “Judging by Mr. Dreamb-”

“We can’t call him that anymore,” Kurt says quickly.

“Fine.” She sighs. “Judging by Blaine’s reply, he’s not bothered by it. Who knows, maybe he’s flattered. Or happy about it. It’s not every day you get an email from a cute guy confessing he’s crushing on you.”

“Yeah, right,” Kurt mumbles into the sleeve of his sweater. “As if I stand a chance with him.”

“No time like the present to find out,” Rachel says with finality. “Now, I’m making you soup, and you’re going to put on some Sondheim so you can work on your paper with some fresh insights and maximum concentration.”

It’s a nice thought – but Kurt doesn’t get anything done that night.

-

Blaine carefully keeps his eyes on his notebook when Rachel and Kurt walk into his class.

He was expecting Kurt to come back today (and no, he did not google how long it takes for people to recover from wisdom teeth extraction – he just asked Sam, who had gotten it done right before moving to New York), and he might have put a little extra effort into looking good today. He never got a response from Kurt, so he figures the guy has either silently acknowledged the paper extension, avoided Blaine for a number of possible reasons or forgotten about the exchange entirely.

Whatever the motivation behind it, Blaine will not despair over it. He’s Kurt’s TA, and as such won’t try anything anyway. NYADA doesn’t seem to have any policy against TAs dating students but nevertheless, he doesn’t want to put either them in an awkward position.

Which doesn’t even take into account the fact that he still doesn’t know whether Kurt remembers asking him out, whether he actually meant it, or whether he intends to ask again.

He might want to wait until Blaine’s no longer his TA as well. That’s alright with Blaine. After all, there’s a month left to this semester, so he can wait. He totally can.

He looks up from his notebook with a smile.

“Hi everyone,” he greets the class. “How are you doing? So, the deadline for your papers is Friday so I hope you’ve all sent me your drafts in case you want me to read them.” He can’t help but let his eyes wander to where Kurt is sitting. “Unless there were any reasons to hand them in late.”

Kurt blinks really quickly at the sudden eye contact, and lets out a nervous laugh.

And Blaine realizes he really totally cannot wait a whole month to get answers to his questions.

Before he can stop himself, he adds, “Everyone with extensions on their papers, please come see me after class.”

Of course, that’s just Kurt, but the class won’t know. Okay, Rachel might know, seeing as she elbows Kurt so hard it almost sends him flying off his seat. Kurt almost doesn’t seem to notice it as he’s busy staring at Blaine with a bit of a twitch in his eye.

Blaine suppresses a groan. This isn’t the plan. What is he doing?

-

“Blaine, I am so sorry!” Kurt exclaims in misery when the rest of the students slip away after class is over.

He’s beyond glad that Blaine didn’t make him sing any of his pieces today because apart from already being nervous whenever Blaine does ask him to do that, today his anxiety probably would have been the final straw. He might have run off or broken out into tears in front of everyone.

Blaine looks at him with a small smile. “You’ve got nothing to apologize.”

“Uh, yes, I do,” Kurt says stubbornly. He’s beyond mortified; the least Blaine can do is let him apologize properly. “I really didn’t mean to-”

“Oh.” Blaine looks down on the pile of sheet music he was stacking. “Yeah, right. Uhm, seriously though, I know how bad pain killers can be, I don’t blame you for-”

“Oh thank god, you know it was the pain meds,” Kurt breathes out in relief. “I was afraid you’d think-”

“No worries,” Blaine cuts him off. “It’s alright if you didn’t mean any of it.”

Kurt hesitates for a second, and gulps as he takes in Blaine’s slightly shaky hand movement as he stuffs the sheet music into his messenger bag.

“If…?” he asks quietly.

“I mean that,” Blaine says, eyebrows furrowing slightly. “Sorry, that, of course.”

Kurt’s at a loss. He’s getting mixed signals, and just judging by the last bit of the exchange – if that was the only thing that had happened, his stupid email and the fact that Blaine is his freaking TA forgotten – he might even be encouraged to inquire further.

But he can’t just admit to meaning all of it, right?

He settles for the safer topic. “So you wanted to speak to me about my paper?” he asks.

“Uh, yes.” Blaine smiles, though he still looks distracted. “I just wanted to ask you whether you had any questions about the material since you couldn’t join us for the last two sessions.”

“I…” Kurt shakes his head. “No, I think I’ve got it covered. Rachel caught me up.”

“Alright. Well, if you have any questions, you can send me an email.”

“Or not,” Kurt says quickly. “I think I’m swearing off emails for a while.”

Blaine laughs, the sound warm and pleasant in Kurt’s ear.

“Right,” he says. “I know this is a bit awkward but… it could have been worse. You could have written that to Mme Tibideaux or Miss July.”

Kurt is so relieved that Blaine is able to joke about it that he replies with a mindless, “Yeah, except I wouldn’t have told them I liked them, so…”

Blaine gapes at him, and Kurt realizes a second to late what he’s implying yet again.

“Oh,” Blaine says. “I, uh-”

“I’ve got to go,” Kurt cuts in, ears burning. “Can I go?”

“Uh, uhm, well, yeah, of course,” Blaine stutters.

As Kurt turns around and gathers his stuff, he can hear Blaine mutter something to himself. Kurt’s almost out the door, when Blaine calls out, “Kurt?”

Kurt turns around gingerly. “Yeah?”

“I really didn’t mind.”

“Okay...”

“Like, really really.”

Kurt wants to scream, But what does that mean?! Instead, he takes a deep breath, collects his thoughts, and says, “Okay… see you in improv, I guess?”

Blaine nods quickly. “Yeah. Later, Kurt.”

“Later, Blaine.”

-

Blaine is early to improv class, even though it’s all the way across campus. But he didn’t stop for his usual coffee, grabbed a salad to-go instead of lunch with his friends from his dorm, and also maybe, possibly hurried to get to class because Kurt is usually early to everything.

Blaine is the first to arrive, though, so he grabs his usual seat and gets out his salad. He’s about to slice the egg when he hears Kurt’s voice from outside the classroom.

“Talk to you later, Rachel.”

“Okay. And, Kurt, remember to ask-”

“Bye now!”

As soon as Kurt’s through the door, his eyes land on Blaine and he freezes.

“Uh, hi,” he says. His cheeks are slightly red, probably from the cold weather outside. “You’re – uhm, early.”

“Yeah.” Blaine looks down briefly, willing himself to just go for it this time. “I wanted to talk to you.”

“Again?” Kurt bites his lip. “I thought-”

“Kurt, when I said yes in the email, I meant yes to both.”

“Both?” Kurt frowns. “I don’t-”

“Both questions. Or requests, I guess.”

Kurt’s eyes widen. “You mean…”

“Yeah, I mean,” Blaine says with as much conviction as possible. “At first, I didn’t want to say anything because, you know, TA and all, but… seeing you in class, knowing, or well, hoping that you meant it, and… I don’t know, I couldn’t wait those four weeks until the semester is over. So I asked you to stay after class but then that felt super shady, too, so… I don’t even really know what I’m doing right now.”

“Do you know what you’re saying, though?” Kurt asks breathlessly.

“Well…” Blaine can’t suppress a grin. “Unlike some people, I’m not on pain meds right now, so, yeah, I’m pretty sure I have full control over my words.”

Kurt glares at him but it’s mostly façade, especially considering he’s still looking like Christmas came a bit early this year, and Blaine… well, Blaine is floored at the thought of being the one to actually make him look like that.

“Well, apparently those pain meds at least made me confess something neither of us could admit to sober, so…”

“Hey, for the record,” Blaine says, getting up to stand in front of Kurt, “I fully intended to ask you out once the semester was over.”

Kurt’s eyes are locked on Blaine with sheer intensity, and Blaine isn’t proud to admit it makes his knees a bit weak.

“Really?” Kurt asks, clearly intrigued, then sighs. “So my email was completely unnecessary.”

“I wouldn’t say that,” Blaine says. “I got so many laughs out of it.”

“Oh god, shut up.”

“No, I mean, it – eggstension?” Blaine chuckles. “Wisdom teat? There were some good ones there.”

“What part of shut up-”

Waiting really isn’t Blaine’s strong suit, he realizes, as he leans in to kiss Kurt, four weeks too early to be completely professional, yet about half a year too late considering how long he’s had his eye on him.

Kurt’s protest is muffled against Blaine’s lips, and dies down completely once they press closer together to get better access. They part for air briefly, and Kurt whispers, “When I got up this morning, I would have sworn this would be the last thing I’d ever say, but I’m pretty proud of myself for writing that email now.”

Blaine licks his bottom lip, chasing the faint taste of Kurt there. “I’m glad you wrote it, too.” This whole thing between them has lasted about a minute but he wants more so badly he feels like he’s physically incapable from drawing Kurt back in and kissing him again.

They keep at it until other students start to trickle into the room, and even then they share meaningful glances and press their ankles together between their chairs.

Between all the talking and kissing, Blaine didn’t get to eat his salad, so about halfway through the lecture, his stomach starts growling.

Kurt turns to him with a grin. “Forgot to eat?”

“I guess I was distracted.”

“Hm, by what, I wonder?” Kurt asks cheekily.

Blaine eyes his untouched salad in amusement. “I guess I got pretty egg-sited over this boy I like.”

It’s totally worth all the frustrated elbowing he gets in response.