#and my older sister was extremely suicidal

[mxcrayon]

TW TW TW for several things, under cut and in tags

one time, and this is not a joke although i wish it was, a social worker BADGERED me over being suicidal. i.. was not suicidal, but my life sucked so bad that she REFUSED to believe that i wasn't, and after telling her multiple times she said "well why not? anyone in your shoes would be"

i do think therapy recommenders on here wildly irresponsibly downplay its potential risks lmao starting obviously w/ the threat of psych and criminal institutionalisation which is structurally inherent to the patient-physician relationship but also the maybe more mundane risk of simply receiving treatment that is bad for you and counterproductive. i do not know where the idea came from that therapy is 'at worst useless'. at worst it fucks you up majorstyle

[saebaragi]

i need to dye my hair pink or kill myself or learn how to mashup songs or write a full musical or come out as trans to my dad or kill myself twice

[cherry-leclerc]

lolita ☆ cs55

genre: age gap (10 years), porn with plot, affairs, forbidden romance, angst, mentions of suicide, mentions of drugs, tragedy, erotic literature

word count: 14.9k

You were young, alluring, floating through a disastrous life with the touch of a thousand angels. Carlos was successful, irresistible and someone who often kept a distance from catastrophe. Never in a million years did he think he would have a complete moment of weakness. Especially the week of his wedding. 

nsfw warning under the cut!

18+... sexual tension, penetrative sex, dry humping, riding, size kink, oral sex (f and m receiving), semi - public sex, deepthroating, praise, fingering, handjobs, lots of dirty foreplay, slapping (like once AH), a bit of edging, overstimulation, a bit of crying, sucking on fingers, squirting - i should stop now, oh god.  

inspired by this and this !

STOP AND READ:

This by no means - in any shape or form - is something that should be admired or looked up to. It does deal with serious topics such as: grooming, suicide, and drugs. While the reader is of age (19), this is not my way of impulsing my own readers - especially younger ones, if by any chance they come across this - to follow this mindset. Dark themes will take place and if that is not something you are comfortable with, then that is okay, I definitely have more light hearted fics in my masterlist. “Love stories” aren’t always filled with flowers and rainbows, they can also be hurtful and confusing, often misunderstood. This is fictional. Given, this is inspired by Lolita and Blue Velvet by Lana Del Rey (*everyone cheers*) – what that means is that this story will not have a happy ending. Verses of Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov are also mentioned (extremely controversial book - as it should be).

cherry here!…hi, guys! i hope you all enjoy and i’m gonna do it now: I’M SORRY. 

She was as dangerous as poison could ever be - with no good intentions. She was malicious, sweet laughter that would make anyone fall in love. An Angel walking on Earth, curiously making it her playground. 

He was intelligent. A man of few words, but also simply so, the seven deadly sins all wrapped up in one. Keeping a distance from things he knew would bring him no good.

But in order to understand, we would have to take you back to where it all began. 

Where Paradise met Hell.

-

Growing up in Italy for some odd reason made you out to be the girl you were. Men there would throw themselves at any opportunity if they saw a single daisy looking girl in eyesight. At first it felt as if you were walking a tightrope; you knew it wouldn’t be the wisest idea to fall straight into their traps. Except, slowly, it made sense.

They knew how to sweet talk someone so young and naive - you’ll give them that. It only took one taste and that was the moment you knew. 

You liked them older.

Men fucked in a way boys never would. Every single one would always put your needs first - but there was this one man that had you realizing how fucked up you could be in order to get what you want. That’s one prize you’d cheat to win.

And that’s a story for later.

-

Moving away for college was the best decision you felt you would ever make in your entire life. Given, Italy was home, but the people in it weren’t. Often, you find yourself missing your rendezvous but studying abroad in Spain wasn’t much different.

Note; you didn’t grow up with a tight knit family. Your mother was a drug addict with half of her days knocked out on the couch, your father was someone who was occasionally in the picture. He tried his best.

And your older sister, Ollie? 

Well, you’d honestly forgotten you even had one. 

Some may say that you’re a whore, a slut, a homewrecker, or any other Spanish slur that spits Madrid, but you never cared. You were having fun and why were you the one always being blamed? Perhaps, men, too, should think with their heads rather than their dicks.

Which is how you find yourself still repeating the familiar pattern you had started a long time ago. Riding your professor shouldn’t feel this good. Mierda, he would groan as you bounce up and down like a bunny. Mewling, you shake the feeling of remorse. Not when he felt this good. 

Your phone ringing is what makes you stop, him still inside of you, twitching. Ciao? His calloused fingers would slide up to pinch your nipples as you lightly gasped. 

“Tesoro! Haven’t heard your voice in so long.”

Your father’s tone makes you wince at the reminder. Occasionally, he would check up on you in a way you would assume other fathers did for their daughters. You could never hate him, though. In his own way, deep down, he still cared.

“Papi, how are you?”

Sliding off of his lap, you zip your dress back on as you pace the lecture room. Bored, he takes out his secret whiskey from under his desk. Your sister is getting married in a few weeks! I was thinking you could fly back home so you could join us. The thought alone made your stomach churn as you bit down onto your thumb. Signaling at the older man, you click your fingers, hinting for a glass of your own. He obliges, handing it to you.

“I’m busy with summer courses. Maybe I can send a gift?”

You try everything in the book in order to get out of what seems like a crappy, dull, Italian wedding. It had been ages since you last stepped foot there. In no right mind would Ollie’s wedding be the one to change that. But he says things that get to you. I haven’t seen you in years. Neither has your sister. She misses you, you know?

You bite down on a snarky remark as you down the rest of the gold liquid. Last time you spoke, she promised that you were dead to her. That she never wanted to hear from you again. In the moment, it hurt, but you grew used to the idea. And what younger sister doesn’t pick up on what older sister says? Now, you despised her as much as she did you.

“Ovviamente. I’ll be there.”

-

It’s hot as soon as you land. That you didn’t miss. Ale, your fathers chauffeur, picks you up with a bright smile. Saddened, it dawns on you that you hadn’t seen one of those in ages. He’s nice. Let's you sit in the passenger's seat as he introduces himself. He mentions he has 5 granddaughters and has been married for almost 50 years. It’s sweet. Makes you feel human.

Pulling into the driveway, you almost want to correct him. This isn’t my fathers house. You must be mistaken. Only, he says he isn’t. That he had recently moved into his Italian mansion a year ago. You’re skeptical for a minute, but realize you can’t be one to tell. Years have passed; things change.

Still, that didn’t stop you from gawking at the ginormous house that sits on a hill; overlooking all of Tuscany. It even had a beautiful view of the ocean. Why couldn’t you grow up with this?

“I’ll inform your father that you have arrived safely.”

Taking it all in, you slowly pace the entrance, analyzing everything in sight. The crystals hanging from the chandelier, large - expensive - portraits, shiny mirrors. Quirking your head to the side, you glide over to the golden trophy sitting in the middle of the spacious entry.

Carlos Sainz Sr. : Rally Driver of-

“That belonged to my father. He passed away a year ago.”

Startled, you grip onto the trophy tighter as you slightly jump in panic. You curse yourself for being caught as you delicately place it back down before turning your attention to the booming voice.

Instantly, you’re hit with lust. Standing in front of you is a tall man - around his 20’s, perhaps - dark brown eyes narrowed down on you like knives. Messy, untamed, brown hair. Large nose, plump lips, dark brows. His figure is something you can’t wrap your head around that even exists. Richard Mille's watch clung onto his wrist. Giorgio Armani pressed up against his chest, it almost looked as if it didn’t fit due to his rippling muscles. Woody, rich, scent filling up the room. 

He was the most beautiful man you had ever laid eyes on. 

“I am so, so, sorry.”

Your voice is so soft, it has him intrigued. You wore a short pastel yellow dress that didn’t leave much to his imagination; paired with converse and tube socks. Rosy tint on your cheekbones from the humidity. Berry lips. Wide, innocent eyes. He’d be lying if he said you didn’t take his own breath away. Even though you stood far enough away, he could still smell your vanilla perfume. 

Inching closer, he waves you off. “I was kidding. My father is well and alive.” You tippy toe nervously before planting your feet back down. 

“That’s not a nice thing to say.”

And he’s surprised with your response. Yet, he finds himself extending his tan hand out to you. “I’m Carlos.”

Carlos. His name sounds as attractive as his appearance. Strong and sure. But also…dark. You shake his hand, legs quivering at his warm touch. Deep down, he knew how much he affected you - it’s something he’s grown quite accustomed to, having people admire his looks, but it took a lot to not show that you had the same effect on him.

“Nice to meet you, Carlos. Do you work for my father?”

Amused, he lets out a deep chuckle. Even a simple sound like that had you pressing your legs together, arousal dripping in between. 

“You don’t know who I am?” You shake your head, confused. Should you? He smiles. “That’s okay. We haven’t met before…Though you should get to know me since you’re already here…”

Wait.

“You know,” he leans his head a bit, floppy hair following, “Ollie.”

No, no, no.

“It’s so nice to finally meet my fiancée’s sister.”

Foolishly, you try your best to hide your surprise. How does a man like him end up with a bratty, narcissist, like your sister?

What was so fucking special about her?

Envy fills your veins as you try to show that this hasn’t phased you. Excited cheers echo down the hallway as your father runs over, embracing you into a warm hug. You’re here! Wincing, you lean into his touch, eyes still trained on the magnetic man. 

Only then, did Ollie fly down the stairs, immediately running into Carlos’ arms. Making a big deal out of it, she kisses him as she runs her hands against his chest. 

“Come here, tesoro. I’ll show you where you’ll be staying.”

The entire time; Carlos kept his eyes trained on you. 

-

It didn’t make sense. Part of you knows it never will. You’ve only just met him, but you can tell he must’ve been fucked in the head to willingly choose someone like Ollie. Sure, she seemed sweet and kind, but she was anything but that. 

Dinner that night is carbonara. Carlos is extremely talented. He cooked this just for you. Tight lipped, you thank him, looking down at your plate to avoid his burning gaze. 

“How’s school?”

Turning to your father, you remind yourself that you were here for him; because he wanted you there. That’s all that should matter. “Very good. Thank you for asking, papi.”

The sound of glass hitting the table erupts as Carlos hurriedly goes to pick it up, quickly murmuring a strong apology. His dark gaze shortly flickers past you. It leaves you squirming. 

Clearing his throat, he takes a sip of his wine. “Where do you study?” Spain, you tell him as he beams. “No way. I was born and raised in Madrid. Moved to Italy a few years ago for work.” Letting out a laugh, you find the coincidence funny. He moved from Spain to Italy and you moved from Italy to Spain. 

“What do you do for work?”

“He’s a Formula 1 driver. Drives for Scuderia Ferrari,” Ollie weasels in as she smirks down on you. Anger bubbles inside of her when your attention remains on the Spaniard. Drumming your fingers against the table, you lick your lips. Formula 1? He’s about to explain it all up until Ollie butts in once again. She rubs his hand, a glistening ring shining right in front of you. You physically have to force yourself to look away. “Oh, amor, she doesn’t know what that is. She’s too…young.” 

You know she’s trying to make a weak point: you’re only a baby, therefore, you don’t compare to her. And yes, you are young, 19, but it was stupid of her to think that it bothered you. You tsk before leaning back against your chair. 

“Of course, my mistake. I forgot I was still a pure flower instead of a wilting one.”

Ollie’s face switches to bright red as she grips onto his hand. An entertained smile slips onto his lips before flattening back out. He rubs her hand, trying to calm her down. You can’t stop the jealousy burning from within.

“I didn’t mean you, Mr. Sainz.”

The 29 year old brushed you as if nothing, a smile displayed. Eyeing you both, Ollie suddenly stands up, chair screeching. Why don’t you help me bring out the cookies I baked? Ever so gracefully, you nod. Following after her, you stop suddenly as she spins, hair slapping her face. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing here? Are you here to ruin my life with your existence?”

“I might.”

Her left eye twitches as she growls angrily. If she didn’t make it this easy to tick her off, then you’d be bored, but luckily for you, it was unchallenging to get under her skin. “This is my wedding; my future husband - so don’t fuck that up like everything else you’ve ever done.”

You try to pretend as if her words didn’t affect you as you stare back blankly. Marching over to the counter, she opens up a box of cookies before sliding them onto a polished dish, leaving you standing there alone.

-

You thank the higher Gods for not letting you cross roads with Ollie for the next few days. Though, you’re a bit bummed out that you haven’t seen Carlos much either. Peeking out the window, you could see the way a group of workers hurried to set up for the joint bachelorette taking place later that night, right on the beach. The waves look magnificent, so without a second thought, you slip on a bikini before rushing out the door with your necessities. 

Lathering a goop of coconut sunscreen, you hum softly to yourself. Weren’t you going out with your sister? Looking up, you see Carlos standing in front of you with his face slightly scrunched up from the bright sun. His cheeks looked as if they’d just been pinched. “Where to?”

He takes a seat next to you. “She said she was going out to go buy a few flowers for later. Said she would invite you.” You shake your head, already bored with the idea.

“You know her,” you tap your head, “Forgetful.”

He cocks his head to the side as he shuts his right eye for a moment. “You two don’t get along, do you?” You try making up a silly excuse. Of course we do. We’re sisters. But he’s looking right into your orbs as if he sees right past your weak attempts. “You’re right. I could be wrong.”

It stays quiet for a while - only the soft breeze being heard. You can see him from your peripheral vision; eyes shut as he takes in the moment of peace he hasn’t had since dawn. Long lashes fan his face, freckles scattered all over. 

“Aren’t you too busy to be talking to me?”

“No. Plus, I should take time to get to know my future sister-in-law. Especially since I don't know anything about her even after dating her sister for 7 years.”

7 years.

Squinting at the waves, you slide your sunglasses on. “There’s not much to know, but I can try. I’m 19 years old, studying abroad in Spain, and grew up in Italy. I love the ocean, love a nice cup of hot chocolate - even though I’m allergic - so I only allow myself small sips during the winter. I like to pretend I know how to dance and I kill it in karaoke.” He laughs. You can’t dance? “Unfortunately, I can’t. Once, during my friend's wedding reception, I twirled right into her cake. I spent the entire day on supervision.”

“Dios mío…Remind me to watch out for you on our wedding day.”

Our wedding day. His words slightly sting as you pinch your nose swiftly. Standing up, you brush beads of sand off your legs. Your eyes roam the area before you find your father waving you over. “I should go,” you say as you look down at him. His brown eyes scan you before nodding and standing up. He, too, looks over to where your father waits to introduce you to a group of businessmen. He frowns and that's when you realize just how revealing your bikini might have been, only it's too late now.

“Papi always taught us to greet our elders.”

He clenches his jaw, eyes closing for a second. When his gaze meets yours, you almost choke with how dark and twisted it’s become. “Aren’t you too old to be calling him that?” Confused, you tilt your head.

“Calling him wh- Papi?”

He grinds his teeth together - and then just like that - he’s smiling again. 

“Forget it. How would I know?”

-

Standing next to an empty table, you watch as Carlos and your sister dance along with everyone else. This party has allowed you to pick up on the fact that they seemed to be a much more important couple than you had anticipated. Everyone looked at the Spaniard as if he were a God himself - and being quite truthful - you would agree. There was nothing about him that wasn’t flawless. 

Then, Ollie, just looked like any other person. Her eyes were bright, but any time anyone would walk up to him, her stare would become threatening. As if she was his owner and no one else could get close enough to breathe the same air.

Everyone here was older; that much you could tell. Attendees were accompanied by girlfriends or fiancée’s of their own. It made you feel a bit childish, since you clearly were the youngest one there. Reaching out for your margarita, you twirl the straw.

“Not having fun?”

Your attention directs itself to a dirty, blondish, brunette. He looks a bit tipsy, face flushed as he smiles sweetly. He’s tall, handsome. But not as much as Carlos.

“Max,” he introduces himself. Politely, you shake his hand. He points to the large group that dances on the sand. He lets out a croaky laugh. “They could get a bit much sometimes.” You laugh, nodding along with him. He continues talking to you. Brings up how he knows Carlos from driving with him; except he’s signed to Red Bull.

“Everyone here is invited only if they're a driver, huh?” It’s a lame joke, but he laughs and throws his head back as if it were the most fascinating thing he’s heard all night. 

“It’s a small circle, but I promise, they're all nice lads.” Discreetly, he takes in your appearance. The way your black dress dances with the wind. Painted red nails glistening under the golden lights. 

You were beautiful. Tragically, beautiful.

“You know the groom or the bride?”

“Bride.”

He nods, taking a sip of the beer bottle he had been nursing. You both continue your conversation for a while longer. He’s Dutch. Recently 26. You mention your headache before he brushes his fingers against your hand. Looking down, he pulls away before clearing his throat. He apologizes and asks if you would like to dance. A soft melody now plays and you find yourself taking his hand. It's big as yours disappears into it.

Almost as if he’s shy, he carefully slides his hands down to your waist. You giggle as you throw yours over his shoulders. “I hope slowing down helps get rid of your migraine. Sucks. I get lots of those during race weekends.” 

“It is. Thank you for caring.”

He’s sweet. You can tell with the way he blushes when you mention the way you like his dimples. Slowly, you find yourself enjoying his company. You’re in the middle of laughing at some stupid joke he just told, when someone rudely clears their throat. Carlos’ smile appears bitter as he shakes his head.

“I’m sorry - I’ve probably killed the mood.”

“No problem, mate. We were just talking.”

He clicks his tongue before turning to you. Under his scrutiny, you feel as if you’ve just been caught smoking weed for the first time. Dazed, you hum, waiting for him to say something. You know it’s not your place to feel as if he owes you an apology, but you can’t help it. 

“Ollie said it’s best if you went to bed.” You let out a sarcastic laugh. Since when does she care if I get a good night's rest? He huffs before running a hand through his hair. “She - she…Just do as you’re told, please.”

Now you’re bothered. Up until that point, you were actually having a good time. Dumbfounded, you turn to Max as he smiles understandingly. Pursing your lips, you apologize. Tippy toeing, you lean up to press a kiss against his stubble. He smiles.

“See you around?”

“See you around, Maxie.”

Walking into the lonely house, you let out a sigh as you pour yourself a cup of water. The summer heat had completely dehydrated you. You could still hear the soft beat playing from outside as you sway in the kitchen. You were upset - angry - that your sister had cut your night short. And any other time you would have put up a good fight, but thought it’d be best to not make a fool out of yourself. Especially in front of people you barely knew.

The door sliding open has you alert as you look up. Carlos silently makes his way in as he groans with exhaustion. Loopy eyes match yours as he clears his throat awkwardly. “So…What were you talking about with Max?”

“Nothing that should concern you.”

His jaw clenches, a large hand running along it. Stepping closer, he takes your cup of water before chugging it down. It leaves you hot and bothered just how close he is. It’s a mixture of salt and musk, his scent. It makes your head spin. Lazily, he takes a step back before nodding.

“Right. Have a good night.”

-

Carlos knew he had messed up. He had no right lying and saying Ollie had ordered for you to go to bed. That was completely him. It’s just that - seeing you with Max, laughing, smiling, made him seethe - when he knows damn well that he shouldn’t. It wasn’t like he was your boyfriend, after all. 

So, he was embarrassed. He kept his distance. In his head it made sense. If you weren’t near then he wouldn’t feel the need to keep his eyes on you all the time. The house felt lonelier, colder without you sliding down the hallways. Rightfully so, you had spent your days locked up in your room. The only person that made happy was Ollie.

Either way, maybe it was for the best. He had a ton of shit to do. Starting with changing their honeymoon destination for what seemed like the millionth time that month. First, it was the Maldives, then Cancún - God - he knew that in a few hours his fiancée would come up with a new place. 

“I know, I know we said that, but it’s changed.” He paces the office, stressed. “Can you please just make it fucking happen?”

“Ouch.”

Turning his attention, he sees you peeking at the entrance, phone still pressed up against his ear. Pouting, you enter, sweet aroma filling the room. Excusing himself, he ends the call. “Need anything?” He honestly cared for your response. It had been days without seeing you and he was afraid he blew it before he even had a chance to marry your sister. He told himself it was only because he cared for your relationship with Ollie. But fuck that - he knew not even you both cared that much about each other.

Shaking your head, you walk closer. “You sounded mean. Not a nice look on you, Mr. Sainz.” You’re teasing. You had to be. 

“That wasn’t mean. It's called being straight forward.”

Ignoring him, you curiously eye the dark office. Books, trophies, helmets. Letting out a snort, you pick up the nearest picture frame. In it, it’s Carlos and Ollie, smiling wide. Tears brim her eyes as he looks down at her. The sight makes you want to puke. 

“When was this taken?”

“The day of our engagement.”

You hum, already setting it back down. You can’t help but picture the impossible. That in the picture it was you instead of her, that you wore that diamond ring, that he looked at you. 

Fuck her, honestly. 

“Why’d you propose?”

He’s thrown off by your question. He’s expecting you to bring up the fact that it was a joke, but when you looked back for a response, he found himself with a dry mouth. Because I love her?

“Jesus,” you shudder, taking a seat on top of his desk. His eyes wander down your tan legs as you rest them on top of his chair. You're playing mind games - he’s well aware -  and still he found himself following them. You were the worst temptation out there. It’s as if you knew the power you held. “I bet fucking her is a chore.”

Shocked at your words, he finds himself dumbstruck. He knew you two didn’t get along, but what the fuck happened for you to aim such insults? 

He knows Ollie. Sure, she was a bit much at times, but she was nice. She was pretty. There was no need for your vile words. 

You can tell he’s about to get defensive about her and that makes you shrink. Willing, you had handed him a reason to choose her over you. 

Looking back at the picture, you purse your lips. “Sorry. That wasn't the right thing to say.”

“You should leave.”

You’re embarrassed over him kicking you out, but you knew you had crossed the line. So much for a peaceful afternoon. You comply, jumping off the desk. Not before making your way over, pressing your soft lips against his neck, which was the only place you could reach, even after tippy toeing. You felt him get stiff. 

“Excuse my manners, Carlos.”

Skipping out the door, he’s left with a single thought. 

He’s fucked. 

-

The next morning, you’re forced to spend the day with your sister. Whether it was for running errands, fighting; it didn’t matter. As long as you made your father happy. All he wanted was for his girls to get along. 

“Go,” Ollie growls as she hands you your bridesmaid dress. Snatching it from her, you slowly climb up the stairs to your room. 

It’s a beautiful dress. Strong, dark, cherry red. Just like blood. It hugs your curves the way you’ve always thought all dresses should. For that reason, too, it made you look…older. Trying your best to get rid of the wrinkles, you smooth it down before making your way back. 

Papi loves it as he starts throwing out compliments. You look beautiful, tesoro! You are a true gem. His eyes are bright and proud as you stand there with a shy smile. And though you thanked him, nothing else mattered but the man right in front of you. 

The Spaniard had just gotten back from a meeting. He was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to eat and sleep the rest of the day, but as soon as he saw a balsé Ollie and an eager father-in-law, he was interested. She had told him to go relax; practically pushing him away. But as soon as you walked down those stairs, he swore his heart had never melted with such a sight. 

His eyes became fixated to the point of no return. You stand there like a divine temptress. A siren who was mixed with innocence. Enough to drool over, but also, to adore from afar. Someone he could worship. If God decided this were his last day on Earth, then he would happily follow, since he finally felt as if his life were complete. 

His big brown eyes are glued onto you as your father spins you. Ollie’s attention flickers between her younger sister and her fiancé. Tears fill up her eyes as she springs off the couch. You’re not bothered by it; don’t even bat an eye. That is until Carlos quickly runs off after her. That was a slap to the face as you show off a wounded smile to your father who stands there lost at the sudden commotion. 

Later on that day, you find yourself trying to forget it all with watered down tequila. That’s really all you could find in such short notice. Leaning against the balcony, you study the soft waves, cold wind causing your skin to flash small goosebumps. 

“Disgusting,” you mumble as you finish the rest of the alcoholic drink. Who knew a simple encounter would set you off?

“Woah there. Are you okay?”

Max cautiously steps closer as you shrug with a sigh. What was there to say? I’m a horrible person. I’m a horrible sister. And yes, we might not get along, but never in a million years did I think I would be falling in love with my future brother-in-law. 

“What are you doing up so late?”

Sheepishly, he raises his cigarette. Letting out a low hum, you raise a brow. “Can I have one?” He knows he shouldn't be the one to give a teenager a form of drug, but you looked so upset, so drained, that he felt as if you needed it. Lighting it up, you bring it up to your lips as you squint at him. He laughs. 

“First time?”

“No. It’s just been a while.”

You’re still not looking at him, but he notices the way you let out shaky breaths. The way you softly pinch your forearm. He frowns. 

“I know we only just met, but do you want to talk about it?”

And maybe it was the gist of the moment. Or that he was being sweet - showing that he cared, but it worked because next thing you knew, you were kissing. He lets out an erotic moan with the taste of your lips. All a mix of cigarettes and tequila. This is wrong. He was friends with Carlos and you were only doing this in a moment of weakness, but you just couldn’t stop. Neither could he. Not when you tasted like a thousand crimes. 

His large hands grab your ass as you gasp, brushing against his cock. He hissed as he pressed his lips much harder. Surely, you will have bruises tomorrow. Adrenaline rushes through your veins as you grind against him. Clumsily, you both make your way to the couch that’s nearby. Straddling him, you continue to dry humping. Slowly, but surely, the warm sensation between your legs starts to form. Panting, you pull away as he tries to angle his face closer to yours. You smile tauntingly. 

“You know what you remind me of?”

You hum, leisurely picking up your filthy actions. He bites back a smile as he grips harder onto your hips. 

“A Lolita.”

A menacing smile looks down at him before you kiss down his thick neck, soft bites being left behind. You can’t recall the moment you start bouncing on his cock, or when he sprawls you open like a map, kneeling down in front of you. It’s all a haze; a delicious one, too. You’re falling like a feather from your climax when you hear a thud. Did you hear that? No, he would mumble as he peppers kisses onto your soft skin. 

The tides are crashing harder now, signaling that the night was growing older. Timidly, you share a goodbye as you start to skip your way back into your room, but one last thing caught your attention.

A broken flower pot on its side and dirt trailing into the Italian home. 

-

More days had passed since your last encounter with the devilish Spaniard. If you were ever in the same room, he wouldn’t even glance at you. He would simply just walk past by. He was mad. Upset about something. You tried to think of what it might’ve been, but when he walked into his office with an infuriated expression, you decided it was time to call a truce. 

Knocking, you flinch at his sharp tone when he commands you away. Ignoring it, you still step in. Head thrown against his chair, man spreading, he has his eyes screwed shut.

“Are you okay?”

Your tone is sticky like honey. It annoys him the way it strings him in. Drumming his finger against the large chair, he angles his head to look at you. You’re almost scared to ask again, so you decide to stand still until he speaks up. 

“Why’d you do it?”

Puzzled, you purse your lips, waiting for further explanation. What was he talking about? Did you do something to make him upset? The thought alone made you feel queasy. When he notices you still don’t understand, he clicks his tongue. 

“Why would you fuck a friend of mine?”

Oh. Was it possible that this was something he was jealous of? Bewildered, you know you can’t deny it so you start to word-vomit. I am so sorry, Carlos. He came onto me that night - he kissed me first. I was confused. I was lured in by his words. I didn’t know what I was doing-

His eyes soften up as you try your best to break it down. But you were a liar; a good one. You knew damn well it was all you. You had kissed him first. You threw him under the bus and you knew that. Did he deserve it? No. Of course not. But you couldn't handle the Spaniard being mad at you.

He signals for you to get closer. Securely, he grasps your hand and hauls you onto his lap. It’s embarrassing how wet you’ve suddenly become; how your mind replicates a plate of jello. 

“I’m sorry he made you feel like that.”

His rough fingers slide up and down your arms and even that leaves you buzzing. Suddenly, you feel feeble. You assure him that you were fine - that it was no big deal. The way he looks at you is what gives you the confidence to lean in closer. A trace of panic slashes his face for a second. He should probably stop this before anything else happens. There was nothing okay about your ass pressed up against him. Or him craving to taste your plump lips. 

“He didn’t make me feel anything I haven't before.”

Your implication irks him far too much, he starts to consider this all an unhealthy encounter. He can’t stop the images of you being with other men. Someone else kissing you, pleasuring you. Whilst your words were suggestive, your features were anything but that. Wide eyes stare back at him, slightly crinkled. Moving your body, you scoot closer as if you weren't already. He growls as he pinches your hip. Then, you're kissing his neck, and he should be pushing you off, but he’s too far gone to pick up on how wrong this all was. I’m sorry I’ve upset you, Mr. Sainz. I didn’t think you would care who fucked me or not.

“I-I don’t. It’s just that you shouldn't be doing stuff like that. You’re too young for all that.”

“That’s where you’re wrong.” You narrow your eyes. “I’m wiser than one might think. I’m mature enough to know who can and can’t fuck me the way I like.” Your gaze focuses extra hard with your confession. As if it were meant for him.

Pressing your ass one last time against his tight pants, you leap off, giggling. 

“Take care, Carlos.”

-

It's a business dinner, your father fills you in as you sit nearby, enjoying a bowl of ice cream, hairollers dangling around your head. Pouting, you reach up to clip one back into place. He smiles.

“You know, lots of young, talented guys are going to be here. It could be a great opportunity to meet someone.”

You make a face at his idea. “Yeah. No, thank you.” Marching over to him, you gently pat his cheek. “I’m not here to meet anyone.”

Signhing, he grabs your hands. “Can I ask you something?” 

“Sure.”

“Are you and Carlos…” Choking on your own saliva, you push away. What? No. Of course not! Why would you even think that? He lets out a breath of relief. “It’s nothing. Ollie just brought it up, but I told her you would never actually do something like that. I know my precious girl.”

The door creaks open as Satan herself walks in, followed by an Angel. First thing you noticed are their intertwined hands. Ollie tries to be coy as she flashes the action right in front of you. She mainly greets your father as she sticks by Carlos like a piece of gum. Hello, he would say to you as you bite back a smile.

“What are we talking about?”

“Your sister might have a boyfriend by the end of the night, that's what,” your father jokes as you slap his shoulder. Boyfriend? The Spaniard’s eyes burn you, subtle threat evident. Ollie fakes a smile as she tugs him back a bit.

“Wow. You know what? That might actually be a good idea. Could help with how uptight you are. But I’m confused, boyfriend as in Max?”

Fury fills you as you shoot daggers right at her. Ollie’s eyes twinkle with satisfaction. You’re dating Max? “Of course not, papi! Ollie is just being a bitch.”

“No, no, no - I don’t think telling the truth is being a bitch. You should be happy, baby sister! You sure sounded like it when you let him fuck you out in the balcony.”

Shocked at her words, you can’t bring yourself to look at your father who stands disappointed. Ollie, that's enough, Carlos warns as he squeezes her hand. She yanks it away, jewelry clinging against each other. 

“My bad. Shit, I forgot. I forgot no one knew what a slut you are. Opening your legs for any man around you. We’re lucky you’re not attracted to your own father.” She lets out a sour laugh. “Now, that would be fucked up.”

“That’s low, Ollie,” you spit, skin feeling as if it's on fire. You know where all this pent up anger is coming from, but she had no right to make up shit for fun. What kind of sister does that? Embarrassed, your eyes flicker to where Carlos stands with a hopeless expression. Licking your lips, you force yourself to walk away.

Slamming the door shut, you let out a loud scream. Why? Why was she always like this to you? A hard knock is what makes you wipe your tears away. Ollie slithers her way in. It hurt you how proud she looked. As if she had achieved something spectacular. 

“The fuck - Are you crying?”

“What do you want?”

She takes a seat on your desk as she dusts off imaginary lint. “I just want to talk. The way sisters do.”

Ricocheting off the bed, you march over to her as you glare. “Sisters? No. You’re nothing of mine.” Ollie yawns as she rubs her eyes. Then, she clears her throat.

“Do you want to know why I hate you? You’re so stupid you probably don’t even know, but don’t worry - that’s what older sisters are for. I’ll explain it to you. Do you remember, Romeo?”

You do. It hits you all at once; the memories of the first man you ever slept with. He was nice - kind enough to teach you what a man likes. He had jet black hair, a smirk always lingering on his lips. He was tall and a local from where you grew up. He was the perfect experience. 

But that still didn’t make any sense. What did he have to do with Ollie?

She lets out a wet laugh. Already, you can see her own tears as she tries to quickly wipe them away. 

“I loved you; I did. You were my sister before my enemy. But I also loved him. He was my first love. Promised me a home high up in the hills. But do you know what it feels like to see someone you love fuck your little sister against a wall?”

We probably shouldn’t-

Don’t worry. I’ve got you. No ones going to see us. Men love a good thrill.

“You and him…”

She licks her chapped lips. “We had barely started dating.” 

“I didn’t know - I swear to God, I didn’t know!”

If you had, you never would’ve looked his way. Ollie was everything to you growing up. You admired her. Loved her. That’s why it broke you when she started pushing you away as if you were some disease. Later, when your parents got a divorce, she didn’t second guess it when she made the decision to stay behind; causing you to leave with your mother. She never cared for you after that and you never knew why.

But now you did.

“I was young…Younger than I am now, how was I supposed to know?”

“Well, I’m glad we agree on something. You truly don’t know anything.” Strolling over to you, she smiles at your desperate state. “Which is why I’m not making the same mistake twice. Stay away from my husband.”

-

Ollie’s words felt as if they had opened up past scars. You meant what you said. Romeo would have been someone you would have disregarded if you had known the truth. But like always, you were the one with the entire blame and that you didn’t like.

Despite wearing a pretty dress - one that everyone gawked at you for - you felt ugly. Has it always been this way? Maybe it did make sense as to why she despised you. Playing with your bracelets, you try to pretend you’re interested in meeting your fathers investors. You feel completely exposed when they all stare straight at your chest area.

“How are we all doing?”

They all look up at the Spanirad as they start spitting out their congratulations for his upcoming wedding. He thanks them before checking up on you. His eyes connect with yours. Butterflies swirl inside your stomach as you smile weakly. He’s the first one to truly talk to you that night. To show he cares about your wellbeing rather than the way your dress fits you. Though, you looked stunning as always. Excusing yourself, you make your way into the kitchen, looking for something stronger.

Serving yourself a shot of vodka, you throw your head back, burning sensation sliding down your throat. Coughing, you grip onto the counter. Soft moans whisper in between the walls. You stop breathing for a minute as you try your best to identify where it might be coming from. Striding closer, you press your ear against the closet door. Fuck, a mans voice groans. This is not something you should intervene with, it's not your right, but that all changes when you hear a name that makes you burn all over again. So fucking tight, Ollie.

Pushing the door open, you see your sister banging one of your fathers investors. Ben, you think his name is. Honestly, you could care less. Briskly, she pushes her gown back down as he zips his pants. You let out a cold laugh as you clap in amusement.

“Oh, God. This is great. Amazing. You really outdid yourself, Ol.”

Stepping forwards, she grabs your arm harshly as she tugs you out. “How much did you see?”

You purse your lips as you theatrically scrunch your face up in pleasure. “Oh, Ben! Fuck me! Oh, oh, yes, baby, right there!” You bow. “That much.”

“How old are you, sweetheart?” The brunette says as he scans your body. Ollie glares at him as he steps back.

“Not a word of this to Carlos.”

“Why would I keep this a secret? He deserves to know. What do you think, Benny?”

Panicked, the older man shakes his head as his eyes plead for mercy. That’s enough. Raising your hands up in defense, you grin back at Ollie. “You’re not mentioning anything if you know what's good for you.”

“Oh, yeah?” You tilt your head back. “And what’s good for me?”

“If you tell him anything of what you just heard - saw - then I’ll just tell him how you’ve been bending over for every man in this house. Charles, Lando, Lewis, Pierre…you name it.”

“He won’t believe you…”

She laughs sinisterly. “No, I think he will. I mean…You’ve already done it before.”

“Hey,” his soft voice enters the room as you turn to look at him. The Spaniard’s eyes dance between you and your sister and Ben. “Is something wrong?”

Ollie shakes her head with a bright smile as she walks up and kisses him. You flinch. “Nothing, amor. We were just talking.” She runs her hands through his hair as his eyes remain on you. 

“Are you okay?” 

Nodding, you grind your teeth together. “Yes. Ollie was just introducing me to Ben.” Awkwardly, the man waves from behind you. Slowly, Carlos nods.

“Papi asked me to introduce them. You know - with the whole ‘boyfriend’ thing!”

“He was serious about tha- Oh. Okay.” He reaches down to take your sister's hand as he eyes you and Ben. “We should probably leave you two alone then.”

Hastily, you nod. “Sure.”

-

If you were willing to try and fix your relationship with Ollie before, then that was long gone. This is what you knew her for. A pretender. She wistfully makes everyone believe she’s some sort of saint, when really, she’s a wolf in sheep's clothing. She’s a hypocrite. She has a man that everyone desires and she does this? 

You hated her.

You hated seeing the way she beams when Carlos’ mother gives her a necklace that belonged to her own mother. She didn’t deserve it. Or the way his sisters helped her slip in and out of her dress, making sure it's perfect for the big day.

Still, you try your best to be a supportive sister. Especially around the woman who raised a man like Carlos. Biting down on your lip, you take a sip of your champagne as Ollie disappears behind the curtains with the lady who is taking some last minute measurements. Reyes smiles warmly.

“We didn’t know Ollie had a younger sister.”

You smile. “Best well kept secret, right?” The older lady laughs. Your heart warms up as you notice it's the same way Carlos does. Ana and Blanca grin.

“Well, we’re glad to finally get to know you. Might I add, you’re beautiful. Those eyes!”

“Thank you,” you blush.

Ana takes a sip of her drink before clicking her fingers. “That’s what you remind me of! You - Carlos - almost have the same puppy eyes!” She turns to her mother. “Mamá! What’s that saying? Soulmates look alike…Something like that, no?”

“Be quiet, Ani,” Blanca hisses before smiling apologetically. “Excuse her - she can be a bit invasive.”

“No problem,” you reassure as you bite back a smile. Ana frowns.

“Lo siento, I don’t mean to come off as overbearing. It’s just that you do…”

Reyes clears her throat as she winks over at her daughter. “Don’t misunderstand us, please. We love Ollie, we do! It’s just…you’re different.” She examines you. “I like you.”

Their words stick with you like a post it. Do soulmates look alike? Playing with the sand, you circle your finger agonizingly slow. Why did their words matter so much to you?

“I always find you alone.”

You stick your tongue out at Carlos as he chuckles at your childish behavior. You pat the sand, inviting him to join you. What are you doing out here? You point at the ocean. “I told you it was my favorite place.” 

“Ah. I see.” 

You sneak in a quick look before looking straight ahead. “Nervous?”

“About?”

“Marrying a monster.”

He gives you a deadpan look, bumping his shoulder to yours. “She’s not that bad, you know.” He glances at you. “Ollie has been there for me through so much. Through my failures. Through my accomplishments. She’s the one who convinced me not to quit racing.”

“You were thinking of quitting?”

He nods. “It’s not as easy as it looks. It fucks you up mentally. But she…” He smiles. “She helped me overcome that. I thank her everyday for it.”

It’s a bittersweet feeling hearing him talk about her like that. On one hand, you’re thankful that she had made him realize that he should carry on doing what he loved. On the other, you knew her true reasons. She loved having a famous fiancé; someone she can brag out to the rest of the world.

Somewhere, far away, you hear a melody. It’s low enough that if you didn’t pay close attention, you wouldn’t catch on to it, but you did. You grab his hand, leading him to stand up. He quirks a full brow. 

“Want to dance?”

“I thought you said you didn’t know how to.”

“Nice memory, old man.” You gently kick some sand towards him. “But I feel like dancing. Plus, you should be practicing.”

Tugging you closer, he hums. “Alright. Only because that's true.”

His hands feel warm against you - so much so - it feels as if he’s on fire. An ease comes to it, too, as you both sway under the moonlight. You giggle when he spins you, dress flying around you like petals. The way you grin makes his heart speed up in a way he’s never felt before. It’s alarming. He pinches your hip as you yelp.

“Mentirosa.”

“Wha- No, I’m not! Can’t dance to save my life.” Clumsily, you dig your toes into the sand. He winces playfully. 

The air grows heavy the moment he brushes your hair behind your ear. Your eyes flutter shut as you lean against his warm hand. One look, and he’s hooked. It’s meant to be something lighthearted, but the way he wishes to feel your soft lips against his indicates that it’s not. He’s tried his best to see you for what you are; his fiancée’s little sister. Someone he shouldn’t find himself caring if they slept well, ate their three meals a day, or that they didn’t talk to any other man that wasn’t him or your father. This was sick and twisted and yet…

His lips meet yours as your eyes spring open for a nanosecond before letting yourself go under. It feels as if you’re exploding like firecrackers on a Fourth of July. Something about the way he cradles your face endearingly has your head spinning. Knees become weak, but his grip is secure. It’s better than you could have ever imagined. His tongue fights for dominance and when you don’t give it to him, he squeezes your ass. Moaning, you open your mouth and that's all it took. He kisses you the way you’ve seen in movies - only better. He’s hungry - desperate - for you as you smile against him. Biting down on his bottom lip, he groans as he kisses you harder than before. You were beginning to think your lips were about to snap. 

Letting go, he stands there, staggered. He’s ashamed when he realizes that he regrets nothing. You both stay quiet; only waves crashing and heavy pants being heard. At first you think he’s going to apologize, and maybe that might have been the case, but no words would come out. Pressing a peck against his swollen lips, you smile.

“Goodnight, Carlos.”

-

Carlos rues the day that he kissed you because that only made things more complicated. He couldn’t find a way to not look for you when he walks into the garden, full of family and friends. Or the way he would want to punch Max when he made you laugh. But there is also something sweet. Like the way you would gossip with his sisters and share stories with his parents. He had never seen them laugh and smile so much, not even with Ollie. 

He flinches at the cold hand that wraps around his own. Faking a smile, he presses a soft kiss on top of his fiancée’s head. Continuing the clicking against her glass, she smiles widely. 

“Grazie a tutti per esservi uniti a noi!”

Everyone claps and a few of the drivers whistle. Rolling your eyes, you lean your head against your father’s shoulder. His heart skips a beat. Ollie continued her speech filled with thank you’s, thank you’s and more thank you’s. Your father kissed your cheek before making his way up to his eldest. Taking the microphone from Ollie, he starts to share warm felt memories about her. You have to admit, you’re jealous about their bond. Somewhere in the past, that had been viciously stolen from you. He notices the way you shrink with sadness and he finds himself about to walk over to you when Ollie laughs awkwardly. Amor. It’s your turn.

“Right.” Fixing his rolled up sleeves, he smiles at the crowd of guests. “Uh…Well like my fiancée said, we’re extremely happy to have you all here. It takes a lot to get this many people out here all at once.” A few laughs echo as he continues. “This means a lot to me, too, to have my friends and family. To have met new faces.” His gaze flickers past you as your breath hitches. “Many ask me what about Ollie made me fall in love with her…And I’m here to be as brutally honest as I could get. I love the way she makes me feel as crazy as the ocean. I could spend calm days with her and not worry about getting bored. Or I could find myself getting into trouble. Ollie has made me a better man. Because of her I know what true love is…” His loopy eyes meet yours. “True love are the waves that meet the shore.” 

He lets out a sheepish smile. I want love like that, Lando yells out as he downs his glass of milk. Everyone claps and cheers and that’s where your nightmare begins. 

Let’s give it up for the happy couple! Kiss, kiss, kiss!

The chants continue as Carlos let out a nervous laugh. That’s something private between me and her, he tries but finds himself being booed. Leaning down, he pulls Ollie in for a peck before pulling away with a tight lipped smile. He hates himself for his sudden realization.

Kissing her suddenly did feel like a chore.

With all the whoops and whistles being thrown out by friends, he finds himself trying to find you. It doesn’t take long as he notices you had picked up on your conversation with the Dutchman. His jaw clenches. 

“Maybe Ollie’s younger sister would like to share a few words.”

Why would he say that? Frozen, you choke mid sip. Me? Your father beams as he nods excitedly. Oh! That’s such a great idea! Unfamiliar faces turn to look at you as they wait. Taking in a deep breath, you nod as you make your way over.

As he hands you the microphone, he can’t stop himself from grazing his fingers against your hand. Coughing, you yank it fast. 

“Ciao a tutti.” Everyone greets you back as you lick your lips. You take a moment to figure out what to say, but there’s not much. Cringing, you try to come up with anything. “As some may know, I’m Ollie’s sister…And I could go on forever about how great she is-” You suppress a sarcastic laugh as Carlos knowingly winks. Your nerves ease up. “But I think I should talk about the man who makes my sister the happiest. Carlos Sainz…When I first met you, you seemed uptight - more than the Grinch - but slowly I got to know the man that even my papi swoons over.” 

True, your father laughs. “You’re kind, respectful, and charming…Ollie is one very lucky girl. But there’s something also sensitive inside of you…Despite the permanent frown on your face, you still seem to like days by the ocean. Maybe it's a reminder that peace still exists or maybe it's the way…” Looking up, you see everyone staring deeply. Suddenly, you feel like this might be oversharing as you twirl your dress. “...Or maybe it's the way your face lights up when you take my sister dancing on the sand. Uh…Thank you for making her happy.” Handing the mic back to Carlos, you smile weakly at the strong claps. 

“That was quite sentimental,” Max points out as you bite down on your finger. Was it too much? He shakes his head. “Don’t worry. It looks like you and Carlos get along well enough. I, for sure, thought he hated you with the way he looks at you.”

“Oh. Yeah.” You pause. “I thought so, too.”

-

Aside from the fact that the wedding was approaching quickly, the mansion was quiet. The silence can almost be heard; it's scary. Carefully, you fix your dress as you skip down the stairs barefoot, lollipop painting your lips red. 

Peeking around the corner, giddiness fills your body as you snatch a handful of pre-washed cherries. Earlier that day, your father had scolded you for finishing the new batch. Popping them into your mouth, you hum a song as you kick your legs against the kitchen counter. It creeps you out the moment a chill runs down your spine. As if someone were watching.

“Boo!”

“Santa mierda,” you yelp as you clutch your heart. Laughing loudly, the Spaniard bends over as he gasps for air. You pout and kick his knee. “Cabrón, you scared me! Warn a girl!”

“Fuck - I’m sorry.” His lips form a thin line as he stands firm. Slowly, the corners lift up, wobbly at his poor attempt to not burst out laughing. You frown.

“You’re fucked up.”

Again, his laughs echo the dimly lit kitchen. “Can I have some?”

“No. They’re mine. Grab your own.”

He narrows his eyes. “Aren’t you on cherry prohibition or something like that?” You gasp as you look around before flipping him off.

“Keep your voice low or papi will disown me!”

He zips his lips as he whispers. “I won’t tell a soul. But I want one of those in exchange.”

Tapping your finger against your lip, you pretend to think about it before nodding. You extend your hand out, a single red cherry for him. You’re waiting for him to take it and leave to where he came from, but what he does instead has you swallowing a lump down your throat.

Crouching down, he opens his mouth as he picks up the cherry, lips slightly wrapping around your fingers. This was triggering you as you tried your best to keep sane. But there was no way of going about that when he looked up at you with deep, brown eyes. Licking the red juice sliding down your hands, he steps back. He licks his lips before swallowing. It amazes you the way his Adam’s Apple jumps up and down; thick neck begging to be sucked on.

“Fucking delicious.”

Blinking, you look down at the rest of the cherries in hand. All of a sudden they seemed like a sultry fruit rather than a drupe. 

“Wouldn’t you agree?”

“Of cours-s-e.”

Stupefied, you throw the leftovers straight into the trash bin. You had no clue what made you do that. A small chuckle escapes past his lips as you shut your eyes in embarrassment. Maybe they weren’t as sweet as you made them seem. Too mortified to speak, you keep your eyes focused on the way your feet hit the wood as a distraction. It takes all of you to not run away as he steps closer once again.

“Is there something in that dirty little mind of yours?”

The room feels hot all of a sudden as you shake your head. There’s no words in your vocabulary when he stands this close. You can smell his cologne mixed with shampoo. If richness were a scent then this would definitely be it. His hands cage you in like a butterfly behind glass. Clicking his tongue, he steps aside as you let out a shaky breath. Taking the opportunity, you jump off the edge, bare feet slapping against the cold tiles. Cuidado, he mutters when you almost slip from the sudden action. 

“If you need anything I’ll be upstairs.”

Not sure why you said that, but it seemed like a rationalized excuse. Por supuesto. And that would have been the end of your night. That would have been another successful day of not falling for the forbidden apple. You had held out for so long; the kiss didn’t count. But it only takes a few steps for him to clear his throat. Almost as if this were your secret language, you spin and you find him staring after you; dazzling eyes following your every movement as if he’s trying his best to decipher anything you do.

Smiling wide enough for your eyes to look as if they had a smile of their own, you think - fuck the consequences - as you clumsily run up to him; jumping like a kid onto a tree. Legs wrap around his torso and his hands hold you close to him.

“Do you-”

“Yes,” he whispers. “Since the first day you walked through those doors: yes.”

If you had thought you were obsessed with his kisses before, you were wrong. So very wrong. Because now you were addicted. He kisses you with urgency as you run your hands through his locks, so soft against your fingers. He grunts when you tug on it. 

His kisses were stimulating enough for you to plead for something. Anything. Smirking, he pecks your nose before leading you both upstairs. It amazed you how he could continue kissing you as he hurried to get to the bedroom. Noticing him making his way into his and Ollie’s, you pull away. There’s no way you would let him do that. You spin your finger lazily through his hair.

“How about mine?”

He doesn't care if he fucked you against the floor, he needed you. Kicking the door shut, he throws you onto your bed as you squeal. He smiles fondly as you brush your hair out of your face. He’s had his fair share of girls. Models, nepo-babies, Ollie, but none of them compare to you. 

He was almost scared of touching you again, even though that’s exactly what he wanted. Doe eyes stare back at him as his cock gets harder at the sight. Ollie had always tried her best to look at him that way, but you didn’t even have to try. It naturally happened. Nothing about this felt forced.

You look untouchable. Like a complete goddess waiting to be ruined. Carlos, you would say as you squeeze your tits, eyes struggling to stay open. Carlos, please. Don’t be mean. Towering over you, he shakes his head.

“Linda, I could never be mean to you.”

Slipping your dress off, he groans when he sees you weren’t wearing anything underneath. He shuts his eyes as he tries to not finish inside his pants, which by the way, were starting to hurt. He pinches your nipple before slapping your tits. You hiss. 

“Please tell me you did this for me and no one else…”

“You know it’s always been for you.”

With that, he stands up as he yanks his shirt off; jeans and boxers following right after. A bit worried, you find yourself staring at his rock hard dick. You had never been with some as big as him; it kind of looked as if it would split you right open. That didn’t stop you from wanting it, though.

“Don’t worry. I’ll prepare you nice and good, cariño.”

His lustful tone snaps you out of it as you nod. His fingers rub your wet folds as you cling onto his bicep. C-Carlos. “I know, baby, I know,” he coos as he focuses on the way your face pinches. He slowly starts slipping his finger in as you gasp at the thickness. So big and long. He chuckles. “Oh, come on now. It’s not even fully inside of you yet.”

Stunned, you look down and sure enough, it isn’t. You almost cry out when you notice it’s barely even the tip. “I don’t think it’s going to fit.” He kisses your temple as he slips his finger back out. 

“Let’s start off with something else then.”

You almost pass out when he angles himself in front of your pussy. Glistening clit stares back at him as he moans. So pretty, he thinks as he touches you slowly. He stops himself, though, as he goes in for kitten licks instead. You squirm. His large hands pushed you down against the bed, to keep you in place. 

“Do you want me to make the ache in between your legs go away?”

“Yes.”

His pink tongue teases you as he hums. You bite down sharply. “You’re going to have to stay still. Relax, bonita.” Following instructions, you close your eyes, trying your best to not think of the handsome Spaniard. As if that were possible. Impressed, he leans in again as he licks you, picking up your pre-cum. Oh, fuck. 

Then it’s almost as if Carlos is taken over by something as he dives in like some animal. His stubble burns your legs, but you’re too fucked out to even care. You’re sure you're being loud, but how can you not be when he licks and sticks his tongue inside of you, exploring places you never knew existed. You choke back a moan when he rubs his nose against your clit, only adding to the euphoria. 

“Yes. Oh. Fuck, yes.” Looking down at the brunette, you find him taking in your appearance as he rubs himself against the sheets; a way to try and pleasure himself. And that’s enough for you to cum all over his face. He smiles as he greedily tries to drink up everything you give him. He knows he lost control, but he loves the way you were able to keep up. To take everything he gave you.

And that was only going to multiply.

“You taste so fucking sweet,” he groans in between your legs, picking up the white nectar. Crying out, you push his face away as you gasp for air. He sucks your tits as you take a break. His tongue swirls around your bud as you wiggle against him like a fish that jumped out onto land. He laughs. “Can you handle my fingers, now?”

No, you whisper as you push him away. But he knows you’re giving up too soon. He knows there’s an animal inside of you and he’s just waiting for it to decide to join him. He ignores you as he slides his fingers down to your center. You mewl against him. “Hey, hey, I got you, cariño. I’m right here.” 

His voice makes you clench harder against his fingers as he grins like a kid at a candy store. Slowly, you start dripping more than before, making it easier for his fingers to slide in and out of your hole. Can you handle a third? “Yes,” you respond, eyes still screwed shut. Hot air hits your ear.

“There she is…Good girl. Justo asi.”

Picking up speed, his fingers reach the gummy part inside of you as you scratch his arms in an attempt to remind yourself to not black out. His long fingers cross, doing figure 8’s as he touches your g-spot as if he knows your entire body better than any map. Leaning up, he bites down onto your nipple before sucking hard. You should be embarrassed with the way you squeal and shake against his actions, but he just made it so hard not to. Much to your surprise, if you dare believe it, he does the thing you last expected.

He adds a fourth digit.

“No, no, no,” you pathetically chant as your eyes fly open. He cocks his head to he side as he clicks in tongue as if seeing you struggle filled him with pride. 

“Ah, ah, ah. Just trust me; do you trust me?”

He didn’t need to ask because he knew you did. I do, you whimper out as you start grinding against his fingers. Amazement fills his dark eyes as he looks down to where you clench around him, juices sliding down his arm. It only takes a couple of more swirls before your shriek, velvety walls clenching around him as you reach your climax. 

Bringing his fingers up to his mouth, he licks your cum as if it were a meal he’s dreamed of having his entire life. Your mouth hangs open as you watch him lick them clean. You’re sure he’s going to fuck you now, but that flies out the window as he lays down as he drags you onto his face.

This man had stamina. Lots of it. You're trying to beg for a break of some sort. I can suck your dick. Give you a handjob. Just please let me rest. But he wasn’t even listening. 

Maybe somewhere deep down, he knew this would be the only night he would have you to himself and if that meant no pauses, then he would push all your buttons.

Like a starved man, he starts licking you all over as you grind against his face. The way he sucks on your clit and adds his fingers make you squeal as you push down harder. His nose rubs against you in such a way, it has you seeing stars. He seems to be enjoying that though, as his moans vibrate against you. Biting hard onto your lip, you try to distract yourself as you reach behind you for his rock hard cock. The moment your small hand wraps around him, he growls like a lion.

Smug over his reaction, your hand slowly starts jerking him off as he eats you out with more urgency. It takes all of you to control your actions as he shakes his face in between your legs. S-slow down, Carlos. He grunts as his actions speed up, but so does your hand. Gripping onto his erection much harder, you furrow your brows as you twist your wrist. Choking on your juices, he opens his eyes wide, whimpers flying past his lips.

Smiling down like the devil, you nod as your hand picks up its pace. Now it's his turn to be groaning with pleasure. He seems to have forgotten what he was doing as he takes in strong whiffs of your aroma. You shudder when his warm breaths escape to warm up your dripping pussy.

His cock twitches and he seems to snap right back into it; already diving back into your hole. Lurching forward, you grip onto his hair as the other remains wrapped around him. It’s a game to see who can make the other cum first, and you were not about to be the loser. 

Lively, you circle your thumb around his pink tip as he groans and finishes all around your hand. Sucking hard, he bites gently onto your clit as you screech and trap his head between your thighs. Shaking, you twitch against him as you reach your third orgasm that night. Huffing, you roll off him as he laps his tongue.

The way he looks at you makes you want to ride his face all over again, but you know you needed a break if you didn’t want the night to end so soon. Kneeling in front of him, you raise your ass up high as you lean down to wrap your lips around his cock. He flinches, slightly sensitive, but doesn’t dare push you away. Instead, he rubs your face with his calloused thumb; encouraging you. There's something so hot about the way your lips stretch around his fat cock. The way drool exits your mouth, messy blots of mascaras on the corners of your eyes.

Light of my life. Fire of my loins.

Gagging around him, you squeeze your eyes shut, feet curling up along the way. For sure, your throat would be bruised tomorrow, but you didn’t mind. In fact, you wanted that. Deepthroating him as best as you can, your small hands wrap around the rest of his length. He was huge. Dirty slurps bounce off the walls. You try your best to not pull away when you feel his sticky pre-cum connect inside your throat. Not when he looked so good with his head thrown back. His thick neck is a clear display. With his large hands wrapped around your hair as he fucks your face like theres no tomorrow. Spanish curses flowing past his lips. 

“Que linda. Arrodillada como una santa.”

When you giggle around his erection, he groans, head thudding against the headboard. His mind quickly slips over to Ollie - but not in the way one might expect. It hits him like a truck when he compares her to you. With Ollie, she would last at least 20 minutes before calling it a night. He pretended not to mind - he would never force her to do something she doesn’t want to, of course - but once she would knock out, his large hand would slide down past his boxers, looking for a new release. 

Then there’s you, ever so pretty. It seems like with everything you do, you want more. You sucking him off as if you’ve done this for him a lifetime ago. Sure, you’re struggling, but that only makes him harder. You’re trying to keep up with him and it’s working. Now, it’s like he’s the one trying to keep up. Swallowing, your throat closes around him as he flies forward, voice cracking as he presses for more. 

Glossy eyes look back up at him as you repeat your action. With one last blow, he pulls out as he cums all over your face. His dick immediately gets hard again when you smile wide, fingers going to pick up his mess. Greedily, you pout as you wrap your lips around your finger like the lollipop you had been sucking on a few hours ago.

“Fuck,” he mumbles, abs contracting together as he tries his best to even out his breaths. 

“Will you fuck me now?” 

You’re moving at a snail's pace as you lick his sweaty neck. A chill runs down his spine with the feeling of your warm tongue. Grinding slowly against his thigh, you throw your head back with pleasure, wet lips rubbing against him. He smiles.

“You’re a dirty girl, you know that?”

“I thought that’s what you liked about me, papi.”

In a flash, he flips you onto your back as he hovers over you like a giant. A beautiful, beautiful, giant. His large muscles he works so hard for stare back at you as you admire with an open mouth. It looks as if he could carry mountains on his shoulders. Dilated pupils admire you as you let out a pathetic whimper. Long gone were his brown eyes as they now appear completely black. Sensual.

“Then you should be fucked as such.”

With that, he swings your tan legs over his broad shoulders, practically bending you like a pretzel. You pat yourself on the back for all those pilate classes. Jerking himself off a bit, he looks straight at you, making sure this was something you wanted. The way you bat your cartoon eyes is all he needs to slip inside of you.

First thing he notices is how tight you are despite him already stretching you out to perfection. Raw moans leave both your lips as you try your best to adjust to his size. You had been with men before - that’s all you really knew - but no one’s cock had ever made you burn with such satisfaction. More than satisfaction. He’s reassuring you with his words in order for you to relax.

I’ve got you, preciosa. Just let go for me. I’m right here.

Still, you can’t help but squirm underneath him. His fingers make their way to your mouth as you stare back confused. Suck, he commands before forcing them in. Caught off guard, you gag around them for a bit before your tongue begins to twirl around them. Your cheeks burn up as you hear your low mewls. Ah- ah- ah, you cry out against his digits as he grins down at you. Retracting them, he slides them down to your clit as he starts rubbing small circles.

“Oh God.”

Instantly, you open up against his tired cock as he hums. There you go, he praises as you make it easier for him to thrust into you. You should both be ashamed of the way gushy sounds bloom from your mixed cum. Or the way he pounds into you so hard and fast that it has you sliding further back against the bed, hair tangling along the way. His fingers dig into your calves as he holds them in place.

“Mierda,” he wheezes as he throws his head back, ripping his eyes away from the way your puffy clit envelopes around him. Pants and whimpers escape you as you arch your back from the fulfillment. 

Carlos is a man - you know that - but in this moment; right now: he’s proving it the way a scientist would their hypothesis. His cock brushes against your g-spot as you gasp at the sensation. He’s looking at you as if you held the key to all secrets. 

The keys for the gate to Heaven.

Though he knows that this all feels like Heaven, he deserves nothing but Hell for cheating on Ollie. But that’s the least of his worries.

“Does that feel good, bonita?” 

Wide eyes look up at him desperately as you nod to the point where your neck starts to ache. Yes - Oh God, yes. So good, Carlitos. Yeah, baby - right there. Snapping his hips harder against you, your mind goes foggy with the way his hair flops around him. Sweat causing long strands to stick to his face. Beads of sweat drip down your legs as he presses sloppy kisses. His cheeks look as if he’s been out in the sun for hours. 

In this moment; he looked immortal.

“Carlos, I’m gonna-”

“Hold it.”

Like a doll, you flop back against the bed as you start to leak acid. No - please. Don’t ask me to do that. Feeling a sharp sting, you gasp. His hands dives back in to massage your cheek after slapping you. He cocks his head with fake sympathy. “I know you can do it,” - thrust - “Wait for me, yeah?”

You have no word as you wail - tits bouncing with every assault from his hip. Your stomach burns with the way his abs glisten, with the way his bottom lip juts out, or the way his muscles shine with a layer of sweat as they hug your legs like a teddy bear. 

He was yours. In this moment, he was yours.

“Alright, linda-” He brushes your hair out of your face as he wipes your sweat with his hand. “Cum for me?”

It’s an out of body experience the moment you squirt around his dick - the way your tummy feels like it's on fire. Sore groans leave his lips as he finishes inside of you, brown eyes trained on the way you gush around him. He freezes in place at the feeling. You squirm for a few seconds below falling limp against the bed. The room smells like nothing but filthy sex. 

Pulling out of you, he carefully places your legs back down before kissing your ribs. Then your bruised tits. Then your cheeks, forehead, and lastly, your lips that taste like home. Sighing against him, you try your best to remember the way he kisses you as if you're the only form of oxygen that exists. As if this were a dystopian world and you were the only source of survival.

He pecks your lips once more before brushing his fingers against your temple. “Get some sleep.” Yawning, you nod as your eyes flutter like a butterfly's wings. Will you stay? And he doesn’t know what takes over him when he says-

“I will.”

-

When you wake up you notice it’s still dark out. The moon shines, eyes flickering around, looking for the Spaniard. You let out a low breath of relief when you see him sitting on the edge of the bed. 

“Ollie,” he whispers into the phone as he runs a hand against his jaw. “...I made a mistake.”

Your heart stops with his words. He makes sure to speak low, thinking you're sound asleep. She - I - it was a mistake. She’s just a kid…Fuck. She’s just a child. Your heart shatters with the evident blame in his voice. You weren’t a kid. Sniffling, you stop breathing when you realize you’re crying. He pauses for a moment before standing up and making sure you’re okay. Bringing the phone up against his ear, he shakes, already walking out the door.

“Where are you? Let me just see you, amor. I’ll explain it all.”

-

There’s a saying that goes: You know, a heart can be broken, but it keeps on beating, just the same.

You would personally like to punch that person in the face. It’s not true. It doesn’t beat the same - because then why does it hurt everytime it pounds against your chest? Why is it hard to breath when the priest says-

“You may now kiss the bride!”

Everyone’s faces are blurry; cheers sound far away. You can’t be too sure you're standing upright as your father beams at the sight of Ollie pressing her lips up against Carlos. The way his hands slide down to her waist as shows her off proudly like some champion ring is what hurts the most. You feel flames all over your skin, letting out a flinch when your fathers signals for you to clap, too.

You don’t know what happened after that night. Whether Ollie forgave him or not - though clearly she had. Maybe she didn’t know about you the same way he didn’t know about Ben. This was all starting to feel like some nightmare. But it’s very much real life with the way the newlyweds hold hands, smiling brightly as guests throw a mixture of confetti and baby breath.

“Nice ceremony.”

“What? Oh.” You shrug towards Max as he points over at the couple. “Y-yeah. It was…”

He goes over his next words for a moment because Lord knows that if he has it all wrong then he would appear to be the biggest jerk to ever exist. “You fell in love with him, didn’t you?”

“I-I-I’m not sure I understand,” you trample over your words as your cheeks burn the same color of your red dress. He shares a small smile.

“It’s okay. I won’t tell anyone.”

Walking away, you’re left alone, second guessing everything. The violin seemed too happy. The guests seemed too bright. All of this was fake, couldn’t they see? Pursing your lips, you try your best to hide your broken heart as you catch up with old friends. How is college? How does it feel like having a brother-in-law who drives for Formula 1? Must feel pretty great, right? 

The night is boring. Half of it you spend faking smiles and the other you spend trying to avoid the Spaniard. Life was better back in Spain, where ironically, he was never around despite it being his home country. You’re in the middle of conversing with the Dutchman - who quite frankly is an honest listener - when Ollie walks up looking like a ball of whipped cream. Can I talk to my sister alone, please? Max’s concerned eyes ask if you’re okay with that as you nod. Slumping away, he squeezes your knee one last time.

Blue Velvet plays as she fixes herself onto the stool right next to you. “Have you tried the cocktails? They have cherry flavored; your favorite.” Something about her sweet voice makes you unsteady as you raise a brow. She shows off her veneers. “This is weird. Sorry. I’m just so…happy.” 

“Good to know.”

“But enough about me!” She places her left hand over yours, shiny rock sitting perfectly. You wince. “I want to talk about you! How’s school?”

“Like you care.”

She pouts. “I do now…” You furrow your brows. What do you mean now? She gasps. “Oh, you poor thing! You don’t know I know!” Your stomach drops. “Well, you know, as your older sister, I’m also your guardian since our mother is too fucked up to look after you…And a little birdie filled me in on your reputation back in Spain.” She giggles as she takes a sip of your drink. “Doesn’t surprise me, though. It only makes sense that you keep messing around with men old enough to be your father. You always had a thing for those.”

“What does this have to do with anything?”

Ollie grins ear to ear when she notices how annoyed you’ve become. “Carlos told you he was born in Madrid, right? Okay, well, he also has a whole bloodline there. And let’s just say, a cousin of his - my goodness, his daughters are beautiful - is a professor at your Uni.”

No.

“And well this birdie also told me how you’ve been sneaking in and out of his lecture room, late at night. And I wonder…What have you and him been doing behind closed doors?”

It can’t be. 

Professor Vázquez de Castro, he says as he extends his hand out, eyes roaming every inch of your body.

Suddenly, the name sounds familiar. The surname is Carlos’ extended one. Ollie’s eyes shine. “I see it’s clicking.”

“What do you want from me?”

“I want you to leave me and my husband alone. I want you to grab your things and leave. Don’t look back; just leave. Don’t contact papi ever again. I don’t want to hear a single thing from you. It’s bad enough you’ve already fucked my spouse.”

She knows. He told her. And they still got married. 

“Ollie, don’t…”

Tugging your hand harshly, she slaps her phone on it. And you don’t know how, but in it, it’s a video of you riding your Professor - Carlos’ cousin.

“Leave or I’ll show this to him. Your choice.”

Wet sobs leave your mouth as you shake your head in disbelief. How did this happen? Who took this video?

“Ollie, please…I love him.”

Her gaze sharpens as she takes the phone back and stands up. “You know what to do.”

Bringing your shaky hand up to your lips, you stare in shock. Wobbly legs walk past Max as he asks if you’re okay. One last smile looks back at him before you brush past by. 

Carlos is craning his neck, looking for you. He had confessed that night, but so had Ollie. He was breaking off the engagement. Spilling apologies as she cried against his chest. Despite it all, he still cared for your sister. But he knew it wasn’t going to work out. He was ready to leave when she brought up the tape of you and a cousin he didn’t even know he had. I’ll get her expelled. Don’t do this, Carlos. And so he stayed. He knew how much you loved school, regardless of what others might think. I just want to help others, you swooned one day by the pool. It’s what I wish someone had done for me.

You get to him before he spots you as you tap on his shoulder. He fills up with worry when he sees your red brimmed eyes. Sheepishly, you take his handkerchief as you wipe your rosy nose. What happened? Who made you cry? You shrug.

“Carlos…I love you.” He blinks. You let out a wet laugh as you lean up to kiss him. You didn’t care who saw anymore. This was it. He doesn’t seem to care either as his hands wrap around your waist. Holding you close, as if you might vanish into thin air. He was the waves, you were the shore. Pulling away, you wink. “Save me a dance, yeah?” 

Then, you’re walking away. Becoming smaller as you stroll over to the Italian house. Clutching his chest, he chokes: I-I…I.

“Carlos!”

Turning to face Ollie, he sees her waving him over to the giant cake. 

“Coming.”

-

Running into the quiet house, he calls your name. He looks behind every door, hoping to find the girl in red. Stumbling up the stairs, he swings your door open. He breathes heavily when he doesn’t find you, even here. Panicked, he grips his hair in despair. Only then, does it occur to him to open the restroom door, hoping to not scare you.

“¿Bonita?”

Silence. He still pushes it open as he carefully walks in, finding no harm in checking. And why? Why couldn’t he be as truthful like you were? Risk it the way you would have willingly done. Why did he let you walk into the house alone?

Falling to his knees, he desperately crawls over to your lifeless body, dark blood flowing from your wrists. 

As red as your dress.

He must be dreaming. This can’t be real. Surely, it can’t.

“No, no, no.” He drags your limp body into his arms. He can’t even pinpoint the moment his tears flow down his face. “Bonita, no. No. No. No.” The Spaniard cradles your colorless face into his hands. He gently taps your face a few times, but almost stops breathing himself when it only rolls back. Blood stains his white shirt. “Hey, hey.  C’mon, please. You want me to say it?” Hurriedly, he picks up your head as he kisses your lips over and over. He winces when he feels how chapped they’ve become.

“It doesn’t feel forced. I’m not saying it because I think it’s what you want to hear - I love you. I do. I love you as infinite as the ocean. I love the way you laugh, the way you trip over anything in your way, the way you say my name…I love you.” 

But he knew you weren’t listening. Not anymore. 

A piece of him died that day along with you. After that, life was a sickening blur. He’s out of it the moment he hears your father yelling out in agony or when Ollie screams at the gruesome scene. 

None of it mattered anymore.

[shitpostingsapphic]

A thought I had:

So we know that while Vi was unconscious after act 2 and before episode 8, Caitlyn tended to her on the battlefield and went to great effort to get Vi the medical attention she needed, as well as move her all the way to the Kiramman estate so that Caitlyn could keep a close eye on her. Caitlyn has been largely occupied by that task, of safeguarding Vi.

Jinx saw all of it. She saw the way Caitlyn helped rescue Vander, saw the way she tended to her older sister, likely saw the love and worry and fear in Caitlyn's face and demeanor, all directed towards Vi and for Vi. I think it contributed to Jinx giving herself up. Not just due to grief after losing Isha, but even if they still held animosity towards each other, she could see that in those moments, Caitlyn's priority was Vi. She was Vi's protector.

Later, when Vi goes to release Jinx, Jinx gives her blessing for Vi and Caitlyn to be together. Which may seem odd at first, given everything I've just stated isn't shown on screen. But it's almost certain it happened. Jinx got to witness firsthand the depth of love that Caitlyn has for Vi. And after their reconciliation in act 2, Jinx has been able to reconnect with her sister and see all the ways Vi still holds love for her, as well as the ways Vi still is hurting.

If I were Jinx, fresh off feeling immense guilt for the ways my actions have influenced great pain, and being filled with both grief, shame, and love, I would likely want that love for my sister, the love that Caitlyn shows to Vi.

Jinx finally gets to see the depth of their connection. I think she gets to understand why they can't seem to let go of each other, why they connected in the first place, at least on some level.

There's also the scene that Jinx and Caitlyn share, where it's clear that Caitlyn still holds animosity towards Jinx, but it no longer benefits either of them, their hatred for each other. They both come to that conclusion together. It hurts the innocent people they come into contact with, but more than that, it hurts VI. Vi has been torn between them, and Caitlyn doesn't want to be that person anymore. Jinx's feelings on the matter are much more fresh and extreme, of course, but it's the same thought pattern. She doesn't want to be the person that hurts Vi anymore.

And yes, there's no denying that Jinx is influenced by her suicidal thoughts and wants to leave Vi in the care of someone who loves her, but regardless of the emotions warring within her, Jinx knows Caitlyn loves Vi and how far she would go for her.

It brings more clarity to the blessing she gives Vi. And goddammit, isn't that really fucking emotionally moving?

[boiohboii]

LMAOOO THIS WITH THE LECLERC BROTHERS 😭😭

https://youtube.com/shorts/aFHKUtjI44s?feature=share

That went well? (Lando Norris x Leclerc! Reader)

N.B: this had been in my drafts for a while, I hope you like it.

WARNING: SWEAR WORDS. F WORD MULTIPLE TIMES. PREGNANCY PRANK PLOT. MENTION OF COCK AND DICKHEAD (BOTH USED AS INSULTS). MENTIONS OF HITTING / SMACKING AS AN OLDER BROTHER (I DO NOT CONDONE VIOLENCE) let me know if I missed anything!

You didn't know how they managed to convince you, honestly it was a suicide mission, but still you could see the fun in your brothers' reactions, which is why you decided that inviting your brothers and their partners over would be a good way to do the prank.

Setting everything up, you started to get extremely nervous, you didn't know what to expect, all three Leclerc males are very unpredictable even if you grew up together your whole lives.

You knew there was no going back once you heard Carla's (Aurthur's girlfriend) scream from the bathroom, where you had set up the pregnancy test in the bin- hidden but visible enough for someone who would throw something away to see.

Meeting Lando's eyes from across the table, the same thought ran through your heads- well, there's no going back now.

While Arthur rushed to see Carla, followed by Lorenzo and his girlfriend, Charles spotted your nervous expression, your bouncing leg and your nails picking at the opposite thumb tearing off the skin. It was the last action that stopped the middle Leclerc boy dead in his tract, you only did that when you think whatever you did or said was downright bad- should stay away and isolate myself bad.

"YOU FUCKING BRITISH BREADSTICK," a strong, enraged voice echoed through the entire building "I WILL MAKE YOU CHEW ON YOUR OWN COCK YOU DICKHEAD."

Now, the Leclerc brothers have heard Lorenzo cursing up a storm before, but he had always been very careful around YN, installing into Charles and Arthur that yes you can swear and joke around with such words and insults around your friends, but not around girls and most certainly not their baby, innocent sister.

Was YN scared? Yes, she had never heard her brother sound so furious. Was Lando shaking in his non existent boots? Absolutely. The young driver started to sweat as soon as he heard the loud cry of his girlfriend's oldest brother.

Flared nostrils, red face and steam coming out of his ears, Lorenzo appeared at the end of the hall looking like he had fought his way out of an amusement park's death train seat.

"YOU GOT YN PREGNANT!"

Now, it was Charles' turn to follow his older brother's footsteps, "YOU FUCKING TOOL BOX! I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!"

"YOU WANKER!" now Landk did not expect Arthur to insult him with his own language- the British, but you can't always know what life's gonna throw at you.

Just like how he did not expect to be running around town at 7 PM trying to avoid Lorenzo's shoe that seemed to always re-appear in the eldest male's hands, along with trying to not get anymore bruises from the broken stick in Chales' hands (it broke as the older F1 racer smacked it on his back) all while trying not to question how Arthur even knows that many british insults.

"I feel like we should tell them that it's a prank." YN uttered softly, wincing as Charles has managed yet again to hit Lando, as if it was his birthday and Lando was his pinada.

"No no," Carla giggled as she watched Lorenzo's dress shoe fly across the street "this is fun."

[coff-in]

I RAISE YOU

Andrew and Ashley with younger sister who is EXACTLY as bad as them. Possibly worse. But she hides it so well that it's reallllly hard to find out until the Burial (or Decay) ending. She's clingy and naive! But she just happens to get along well with boys, and Andrew just happens to catch them asking her out a lot. She's shy and likes to stick with Ashley, but it just so happens that girls are always asking to be friends with her, and it would be mean to say no, right? When she can't sleep at night and wants to sleep with Ashley and Andrew, she just so happens to wear really revealing clothes. Whatever, they're siblings, who cares? And if Andrew's hand is too high up her thighs, or Ashley's hand is over her breast, well, she's already fast asleep. She wouldn't know anything about that. In essence! Younger sister reader who is well aware of her older siblings' inclinations towards her and drives them insane with it while acting like a cute little angel (she is a tease). I think they'd prob catch on or at least suspect her, but it only becomes really apparent during Burial when she's *extremely* into getting down and dirty with her siblings (Ashley and Andrew are not emerging without bruises and bites and scratches).

If we're extending this to Decay ending though I think it would also be interesting is a yandere who secretly wanted to keep one of her siblings to herself. Just toxic food for thought ykyk.

notes from coff-in: i don't know if i could elaborate on this wonderful idea even more because this is SO GOOD! (proceeds to elaborate on it more) i love you, 'nonnie.

[fem] reader-insert, [reader] is about 1 year younger than ashley, incest, NSFW, murder and suicide

baby sis [reader] teasing her siblings once they leave the quarantined apartments by offering to write her number on the wall near the restaurant (she doesn't even have a phone :p), pushing the two motel beds together so they could have "one big freedom sleepover" and she's like in a oversized night shirt and some short sleep shorts (or maybe not even wearing any bottoms to bed). maybe she's a clingy sleeper and wraps her arms and thighs around whichever sibling that falls into her nightly grasp. she's squeezing and nuzzling and cuddling them while they take it as an opportunity to feel her up. andrew def is an ass person in my head (don't get me wrong, he loves breasts and thighs too) and he hugs baby sis [reader], letting her hands rest on her ass and giving it a couple of squeezes. leaving her bras or underwear out in the open like ashley does and points it out when asked about it ("if leyley can do it then why can't i do it too?").

baby sis [reader]'s social life was a tool for her to use so she could get the attention of her siblings. telling andrew about the boys who ask her out and asking him if any of them would be right for her ("but of course there's no other man better than you, big bro!") and going to ashley after hanging out with her friends and complaining about how tiring they can be ("augh! they just don't get me like you do, leyley").

baby sis [reader] and julia being friends with each other but they're both using each other in some way. julia uses [reader] and ashley to get closer to andrew and once he and julia start dating, [reader] pretends to be a person to vent to about her relationship. while julia does talk about all the romantic things she does with andrew it's mostly her telling [reader] about ashley and all the death threats she has sent ("he bought me a lovely bouquet of tulips... and then ashley threw them away when i wasn't looking..." "a flower bouquet? how romantic!")

i can see baby sis [reader] leaving poems and love notes and little cute drawings of andrew, ashley and her together with hearts and stuff and she plays them off as either not being hers ("may julia left them for you, andy") or just cute little sister stuff ("the hearts are there to show that i love you guys")

she engages in a lot of physical affection with them both in order to touch and tease them while playing it off as her sisterly love. if she's shorter than them both she'd rest her face on ashley's chest a lot. they're just so comfy!! she'd hold andrew's hand a lot and tell him that brings her comfort and makes her feel safe,,, and he wouldn't want her to feel unsafe and scared, would he?

i think it's important that (from a story perspective i guess) andrew still watches over the parents when they prepare to sacrifice them, but ashley could also leave baby sis [reader] with him too (burial route). mrs graves tells them that she could fix all of this, they just need to ditch ashley and maybe instead of andrew it would be [reader] who threatens her ("i don't really care for how you talk about my big sister ashley like that, so i suggest you quit it :)")

during the vision, andrew and ashley are bitten and scratched up like a dog toy and [reader] is there leaning on ashley's chest, smiling and satisfied "let me know when you guys are ready for another round!"

andrew's blushing because he's embarrassed that he got caught while baby sis [reader] is blushing because it was all way more intense and wonderful than what she thought it would be. "we're never going to be like that, right?" and [reader] responds with a "well i certainly wouldn't mind :)"

a decay route with a yandere baby sis [reader] could have so many endings, you know? i think the game has three different variants/endings in the decay route: murder-suicide (ashley has a loaded gun and chooses not to shoot andrew), ashley's death (ashley has an empty gun), and then andrew's death (ashley has a loaded gun and chooses to shoot andrew). depending on possible earlier choices/actions, baby sis [reader] could either be chill with losing one of her siblings (their attention is less divided, right? more for her then!) or fucking lose it if she lost her favorite sibling to the other. gods, imagine a timeline where she lost both! her entire life revolved around her siblings and gaining their attention and love and if they're both dead in a murder-suicide then she'd probably follow them, too!

this is branching off from the request a bit (a lot) but in a murder-suicide timeline, baby sis [reader] tries to make a deal with ashley's demon/lord unknown to bring them both back to her! aaah!!

this is very long. i usually type my writing on a google doc to get it all organized but i've been thinking about this ever since i saw it this morning. thank you, thank you, thank you 'nonnie for this LOVELY AND WONDERFUL ASK!!! your idea and mind is just... grrr they're so great!!!

----

coff-in

[lani-heart]

|| series masterlist || next // previously ||

genre(s) -> slow-burn, soulmate au, Hunger Games au paring(s) -> ATEEZ OT8 x FEM!READER warning(s) -> murder, mental health, gore, suicidal thoughts. words -> 2.4k

abstract -> would it be easier to give up? or to live for those expecting me to try ?

Y/N’S PERSPECTIVE 

“So y/n!” I heard my name… and I froze. Me? I… how unlucky of me. It was silent… but all I could listen to was the yells and pleas from the male section… Junghwan, who would take care of him when I die there?

I walked up composed… I tried to be at least. I couldn't hear anything but my brother’s cries. It's been years since District Three has won a victory. It's been so long that four years ago the only female victor from District Three passed. 

Yoon Jeonghan wasn’t a normal District Three citizen. He… was special in their eyes as he was corrupt and capable of horrible things.

Last year’s victor… was a male from District Twelve and the only victor in decades. His name… Kim Hongjoong. He was lethal, they underestimated him so this time eyes would be on the weaker districts and tributes... like me.

I wasn’t strong however, I tinkered around my dad’s old workshop trying to even keep it running for some money. 

I was taken inside and tackled in the tightest hug ever given to me. “Please win… please try!” he pleaded and I felt the tears fall down my face while I hugged him back. 

Everything was overwhelming. 

“You’re the smartest person I know! Hide, make something while you're in there! Nothing! Please just… j-just live” he pleaded with tears running down his face and his grip tightened on my shoulders.

“Times up” I heard and I felt my brother's body shake and tighten around me as he refused to let me go. 

“Hey, Junghwan?” I said and he reluctantly stood up on his own. 

“Don’t… watch the games this year okay?”

I didn’t think I would win, I lost all hope the minute I heard my name and saw everyone’s attention on me. The male tribute was fifteen… he had a life ahead of him, and yet he was frail. In comparison, I was healthy for my age… What was I going to do?

How did I want to die? By their hands? Their twisted take on nature? Or even… my own?

“Excuse your mentor he’s… he’s harsh he hasn't had a victory ever nor even seen the potential in… years” Our escort smiled… Yuqi. She was sweet and kind, she reminded me of a mother’s love. Especially in contrast to Jeonghan's brash and blunt words. Our lives were doomed… and all I could think about was everything that would happen to my brother… I'm sorry, Junghwan. 

I couldn’t even bother indulging in the foods that the Capital got to enjoy. Instead, I was bitter… This was entertainment for them. I couldn’t even sleep… Instead, I decided instead of wallowing in self-pity, I'll try to set an example for my brother. I don’t want him to get the news about his older sister… died like a coward. 

The kids at school would bully him worse than they already did… and he’d be reminded constantly about how pathetic his sister would be. If she died on the first night… if she died at all. 

I began to watch the games… I watched so many until I got to last year.

“Kim Hongjoong… he was a devil in disguise last year” I heard and I saw my mentor behind me… I didn’t even hear him come in. He was… a weird victor for District Three. We weren’t known for anything like violence… but he waited out all of his competitors and killed them in their sleep. He was nocturnal… but he was also extremely smart. Even lied to the capatalites saying he was an insomniac… just to poison the lake with sleeping pills.

Yoon Jeonghan. The man with a soft persona, angelic features, and a siren-like voice. Career killer… Siren of the Capital. 

“Why are you looking at the games?” he asked and I couldn’t answer. He sighed tired of waiting for a response when he spoke again. “Your brother… His screams were deafening yesterday… What's his name?” he asked and I smiled softly. “Junghwan,” I said and he didn’t say anything, instead analyzed me. 

“Do you want to win for him?” he asked and I sighed. “I want to try but at the same time I know… this year the Careers have a lot of volunteers because of last year’s games… they won’t make the same mistake as last year in underestimating anyone,” I said and he nodded. 

“Are you good at anything?” he asked and I shook my head. “I-I've never held a weapon before…” I said and he scoffed and glared at me. “Clearly. How about this... are you smart?” he said, scoffing as if it was obvious that he was asking that from the beginning. 

“I would like to think so?” I asked and he glared. “What makes you think you can win? You’d have to be an idiot–” “I know. I’m a fool for even having a small amount of hope that I can make it back home to Junghwan. But I have to at least try! I can’t let my brother think I'm dying without trying, not when he begged me to win, when he screamed for someone else to volunteer” I muttered. 

“So y/n and Junghwan right?” he asked and I was shocked he knew of me. “Your family used to be renowned in the Capital, you know? Your dad was a genius… but he died alongside his wife to the peacekeepers leaving their twelve-year-old daughter and nine-year-old son orphans” he said and I couldn’t face him while he said that. 

“Surely your dad taught you something?” he asked and I sighed. 

“He used to say if I ever got picked… to try my best to guess what the arena will be. To focus on survival and use my survival skills to kill others" I said and he smirked. 

“Atta girl… so, what survival skills do you know?”

I didn’t sleep at all… I stayed up all night with Jeonghan talking about survival. It was mainly me talking and we watched and analyzed the last twenty years of games. Which had a pattern…

We narrowed it down… this year is in favor of District Four and it should have a mostly water arena. Meaning I had to learn fishing, rope tying, and test my limit underwater. Against District Four I'd die to the male tribute no doubt. Their female tribute unfortunately was thirteen so… as bad as I had to say it, she wasn’t a threat. 

Their male tribute… seventeen, a volunteer. So he was confident in his abilities.  Analyze my opponents… do my best to go against them and act weak… because even though they’ll be skeptical visually I look like no threat compared to him.  

“Wake up!” I heard and I felt my body jump up seeing my escort glaring at me with my mentor chuckling. “Seriously! Did you get any sleep?! It's important to get–'' I didn’t want to listen to her talk nonsense about beauty… it wasn’t going to help–

“She's the right kid, sometimes… beauty is everything in the arena,” Jeonghan said and I was confused. “Unlucky for you, you’re being assigned a newbie stylist but it's okay. I can work with you to help you out” he said and I was shocked at how much attention he put on me… my partnered tribute looked hopeless, and didn’t even try to get Jeonghan’s attention. While he seemed to put his bets on me. 

I was taken to get waxed, scrubbed, and exposed. 

While I was now sitting down waiting for my stylist. “Hello! I’m Park Seonghwa, your stylist” he said and I nodded as we shook hands. I don’t know why I felt like… I was drawn to him and I was more confused when he gave me a sad smile. 

“When I saw you, I had to request your dress,” he said and I was confused. What? “What’s your soulmate system love?” he asked and I sighed… “Red string of…” 

Soulmates were a strange phenomenon… but there were rules. So many rules, like using certain soulmate systems inside the arena meant automatic death.

“You can see a string connecting us then?” he asked… but why was another string leading in different directions? “I have dreams of our soulmates,” he said… “Soulmates?” I asked and he nodded. “Though… I can’t seem to ever see their faces. Until you… last night I had a dream of you. Most likely because I saw your picture when they were having us choose who we wanted to style this year. Because I'm new I was one of the last to choose… but I gotta have you, at least for a little” he said and I felt tears pool my eyes. 

“Don’t cry… I'll help you, I have friends who like watching the games. They can help sponsor–” I couldn’t stop the tears… first my brother… now my soulmate– soulmates?!

“I’ll let you take everything in, just trust me, my love”

I was dressed up in a white dress with luminescent accents like Seonghwa described. It made the dress shine… he said it was to portray light. He did my hair and everything… I looked like a different person.

“Well well well… looks like the newbie did you some justice. Though he made you look… too pretty” I heard Jeonghan say. He seemed worried… Seonghwa also glared. 

“Okay, kid…. You're going to sell it out there, act shy, cute, whatever you think your charm is. We need you to have sponsors–" "Is Jeonghan taking this year seriously for once?” I heard and I saw another stylist. 

“Hello, Mr. Hong,” Seonghwa said bowing… “Joshua, we’re gonna have a chat later. Tell Seungkwan I need a favor” he said and he nodded. 

“Let's get you up on the carriage,” Jeonghan said as he grabbed my hand and helped me out… I looked behind Seonghwa and he gave me a nervous smile. 

“Can I ask something?” I said and he looked at me waiting… “Why are you helping me so much? There hasn’t been–" "You’ll be the first victor from five for the last few years…  I've never seen someone tell me they want to guess an arena before. Besides… knowing who your dad was, you have a good chance to survive. I haven’t had a tribute in a while who didn’t… accept their fate so soon or athletes had such a selfless reason to live” he said and I saw it… 

He was desperate. 

“I see myself in you… the difference is you are going to use the arena as your weapon. You reminded me of me when I first got called up as tribute” he added. “Besides… I'm sick of seeing tributes die. I thought you accepted it when I saw you. Frozen and dull, so prove me wrong” he said and I nodded before having a sudden thought…

“H-have… you ever met your soulmates–” “No. And neither have you. I don’t care what you think, you haven’t met your soulmate, got it” he muttered almost telling me… we can’t talk about this. 

I went on the carriage waiting for the tribute music… when it finally happened. 

The horse was scary… I've never been on one and suddenly feathers from the dress started falling… almost like it was on purpose. Who knew I'd have a theatrical soulmate…

I tried to wave… but I was scared…

“act shy, cute, whatever you think your charm is”

He said something about that while I stayed up… victor had personas that helped them. And so I did… I smiled at the camera instead of the meek and scared persona many would give. I waved at the crowd… I tried my best to look appealing to them. 

When it was finally over Jeonghan helped me and my tribute partner down and we made our way to the elevator. We went to floor five where… was a luxury that I had never imagined. 

“Oh, there you two are! You two were cute out there… especially this dress y/n! You looked like a bird or even an angel with how the dress shined!” Yuqi said complimenting us both. Jeonghan laughed before putting a hand on my shoulder and looked at me with a serious look… 

“Now the hard part… training”

SEONGHWA’S PERSPECTIVE

From the moment I saw her on the TV screen I recognized her from my dream… but I also recognized the infamous Kim Hongjoong. A man who could care less about what others from the capital were. Born in District Twelve and suffering through poverty he survived last year through acting weak. A wolf in sheep's clothing… but also lucky because last year was a snowy tundra biome they implemented. I hope she gets lucky. 

Something that she could survive through. I also had a selfish hope that she wouldn’t push me away like he did. Cast me aside like he was disgusted by me. 

I always thought… my soulmates would be happy to meet me. We were made for one another after all.

Was it because I was from the capital that they thought differently?

Even if she did push me away… I wasn’t going to let her go. I was her stylist… something I wasn’t for Hongjoong last year which means I can only wait and hope she’d win so I can be by her side for the year.

She will survive… I know she will. I was selfish and hoping that she would. How cruel would that be… for fate to let me meet my soulmate only to take her away?

“You’re the District Three girl’s stylist right?” I heard and I saw Mr. Hong. I nodded and he sighed as he looked at me with worry and stress. 

“What do you have planned for her interview?”

Y/N’S PERSPECTIVE 

Training… I was studying the plants that lived in humid biomes. I was betting all in that the arena was beach or water-themed. 

I also tried my best to learn fish tackles… something I was pathetic at.

“You’re doing that wrong” I heard and I saw the girl from district four. “Oh… it’s my first time” I said and she smiled shyly. She took it over and fixed it. She was… skillful in it.

“Do… you want to be allies?” She asked and I didn’t trust her. She was from a career district— “they didn’t let me in their clique since I… since I don’t have any chance of surviving” she said.

I was shocked that someone from a popular district would say that. “Please? I just don’t want to die a painful death, I want to try to survive… my family will be watching” she pleaded and I reluctantly nodded.

“Don’t trust allies” Jeonghan offered… stating that they could betray you at any moment. Finding an ally you can trust was rare.

“Sure, let’s be allies” 

I said but I couldn’t mean it. I need to go back to District 3 and back to my brother. 

I had to be willing to do anything to survive.

please don't be a silent reader !! reblog, comment, and like <3

[youremyheaven]

The Internal Corrosiveness of Venus: Venusian Women & Self Harm

TW: self harm, abuse, suicide, violence, trauma

Claire had remarked that "Venus is internally corrosive whilst externally pleasant and Mars is externally corrosive but internally pleasant". This led me down a rabbit hole to try to understand whether this "internally corrosive" nature manifests as self harm & eating disorders and unfortunately, it does. Venusian women struggle with perfectionism and are extremely self-critical. Venusian energy is HARSH. Venus natives struggle to uphold a certain standard that they subject themselves too because if I'm being honest Venus is the OG "not like other girls girl", they believe they're better than others, and tbh in many ways they probably are but this also means they put undue pressure on themselves to keep being that way.

All Venusian naks are Ugra or "fierce" in nature and while I've talked about how Venusian violence and cruelty can be directed at others in my other posts, I think its worth mentioning how Venusians can be just as cruel to themselves. This is especially true of Venusian women as women internalise their problems while men wreak external havoc (like causing wards and killing people) but there are many male Venusians who struggle internally as well.

In ancient religions, Goddesses of love also had other functions or powers that had nothing to do with love

the Egyptian Goddess Isis was the goddess of love, healing, fertility, magic, and the moon. She was the goddess of life and magic, Isis protected women and children and healed the sick.

She was a great magician, whose power transcended that of all other deities.

The Mesopotamian Goddess Ishtar is the goddess of love and sexuality, and thus, fertility; she is responsible for all life, but she is never a Mother goddess. She is also the Goddess of War.

I'm using these examples to show that the ancients had a more complex and nuanced understanding of Venusian energy. One cannot worship love without understanding that "war" is a consequence of it. Love & war are not very different from each other. When someone believes in something and is willing to die for it, we find that to be very honourable. Sometimes this belief leads men to kill others over it and depending on the cause, we describe the war as "good" or "bad" (kill a bunch of fascists and then its a "righteous" war, if you kill innocent people, then its an unholy war etc). Being at a state of war describes Venusian nature very well since Venus is also connected to royalty and if you're born into royalty, you get to live a very "exclusive" very privileged life that few get to enjoy but the stakes are also that much higher since you could be beheaded or executed or exiled and live a life that is far worse than the average person.

In this post I want to explore how this "state of war" can manifest internally in an ordinary Venusian and contribute to self harm, eating disorders and drug abuse.

Bella Hadid- Purvaphalguni Moon & Rising

Bella has admitted to smoking since she was a teenager and getting a rhinoplasty at 14. Her pro ana Tumblr from when she was a teen is infamous at this point. She has never openly spoken about it but it is widely speculated that she struggles with an eating disorder and possible drug abuse as well.

“I was the uglier sister. I was the brunette. I wasn't as cool as Gigi, not as outgoing,” she said. “That's really what people said about me.” I also feel like Venusians grow up feeling really ugly and completely unaware of their magnetism. They only really grow into their looks when they're older (obvs there are exceptions) and I think being bullied for what they have and don't have are also big themes.

Demi Lovato- Bharani Moon

Demi has spoken about struggling with self harm, eating disorders and drug abuse.

Lovato said, “growing up, I had been bullied in school,” saying she “felt like an outsider," and "like an outcast,” but then she became friends with a girl who was popular. “One day, I asked her ‘how do you have all these friends?,’” Lovato noted, and the girl asked Lovato “do you party?" Lovato explained, "She asked me, 'Do you drink?,'" with Lovato saying that this was her first experience with drugs and alcohol, adding, “we experienced a lot of stuff together, drinking and using, and growing up.” Bharani being an outcaste nakshatra resulted in Demi feeling like one growing one :(((

Taylor Swift- Purvashada Rising

Taylor opened up about her eating disorder in her documentary

Lindsay Lohan- Bharani Moon

LiLo has struggled with self harm, drug abuse and battled eating disorders

Oscar Wilde, Purvaphalguni Rising wrote The Picture of Dorian Gray

The plot goes like this : An attractive Englishman's image is captured in a painting that keeps him from ageing, when he exchanges his soul for eternal beauty. But for every sin that he commits, his image in the portrait rots.

This is a very deeply Venusian story, and very specifically Purvaphalguni esque because Purvaphalguni is the height of Venus. It can be said that its also true of Venusians in general. They are outwardly splendorous, they seem to have it all together but inwardly they tend to be inflicting wounds upon themselves in order to keep it all together.

Johnny Depp- Purvashadha Moon

He has also battled eating disorders, self harm and drug abuse.

Iggy Pop- Bharani Moon

"THERE IS EXTREME, there is legendary — and then there is Iggy Pop. Beginning in his earliest days with the Stooges taunting Ann Arbor frat boys and small town Michigan folk, Iggy made an art of excess: self-mutilation, self-exposure and self-destruction. His risky theatricality required an audience to respond, participate or get the heck out of there. And the sex and violence hardly stopped after the show was over."- this is how Rolling Stone described Iggy Pop and tbh this is a very Venusian description

In 1974, at his first solo concert dubbed The Murder of a Virgin. "Do you want to see blood?" Iggy asked the crowd, which howled affirmatively back at him. Then, at Iggy's urging, guitarist Ron Asheton, wearing a Nazi outfit, whipped Iggy repeatedly. Iggy began hurling racial epithets at a black spectator, hoping to goad the man into stabbing him with the steak knife he'd brought onstage. No luck, so he closed the set by carving an X into his chest himself.

Marilyn Manson- Purvashadha Sun

He has struggled with self harm in the past (there are images online if you're interested) and in 2013, he tried to simulate self harm on stage by holding a knife to his wrist in the middle of a performance??

Christina Ricci- Purvashadha Moon

Ricci has said she suffered from anorexia as a teenager and was sexually assaulted as a child. “There was no discussion at that time about trauma, and about recovering from those things, about PTSD,” she said. As a result, she ended up “acting out and coping in ways that weren't good."

Robert Downey Jr- Bharani Moon, Mars in Purvaphalguni

its pretty well known that RDJ was severely addicted to drugs at one point and it started when he was a child and drugs was given to him by his dad:///

Megan Fox- Purvashadha Rising

"I have body dysmorphia — I don't ever see myself the way other people see me," Fox said. "There's never a point in my life where I loved my body, never, ever." "When I was little, that was an obsession I had of, like, but I should look this way,"

‘However, at a certain point, I went through some trauma in childhood and I developed a pretty severe eating disorder and manic depression, which runs in my family, so there was definitely some wrestling with chemical imbalance going on,’ she shared.

its interesting how so many of these natives begin struggling with these issues very early in life

Colin Farrell- Purvashadha Rising, Jupiter conjunct Ketu in Bharani

While he did not say that he had cut himself when he was younger, Colin Farrell had some self-inflicting behavior during his younger days. He spoke on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and said that he used to actually enjoy pulling out huge tufts of his hair. 

Pete Davidson- Purvaashadha Rising

'I used to bang my head against walls,' he admitted. 'If I couldn't deal with something -- if someone told me something sad or something I couldn't deal with I would bang my head against the wall, hoping I'd pass out because I didn't want to be in that situation because I couldn't handle that.

Melanie Lynskey- Bharani Moon

“I stopped throwing up, mostly. It took a while. But that was a big one. I had, for a very long time, been on this diet that was basically 800 calories a day, and if I ate anything over 800 calories, I would throw up,” she said. “I was never bingey. Sometimes I’d be starving, and I’d have another teacup of Special K. Then I’d be like, ‘Well, now I gotta throw it up.’”

Tila Tequila- Purvaphalguni Moon

On March 7, 2012, it was reported that Tequila had agreed to check into rehab after having reportedly "almost died" from an attempted suicide by overdosing on pills. The incident caused her to be hospitalized for a brain aneurysm. Tequila completed her rehab treatment on April 5, 2012.

Jeffree Star- Purvashadha Moon

images of him self harming once went viral

Till Lindemann- Purvashadha Sun

he's known for his SH scars and has even written poems about it in German??? its called "The poems: Knives on silent nights"

Portia de Rossi- Rahu in Purvashadha 2h

she's struggled with an eating disorder

Padma Lakshmi- Purvaphalguni Sun & Moon

"When filming "Top Chef," I consume about 5,000 to 8,000 calories a day,'' she wrote. "I typically gain anywhere from 10 to 17 pounds every season. Once I get home, what's taken me six weeks to gain takes me 12 weeks to take off. It's always a nail-biting extravaganza at fittings, praying that a few pretty dresses that came down the runway on a teenage model who is a size 0 will miraculously fit my 40-something body,'' she wrote. "Getting ready for the Emmys is always fun, and it's truly an honor to be nominated. But at the same time, in spite of my high metabolism, I worry each year that I'm not going to fit into anything nice. So, this year, I've decided my weight will not be my focus,'' she wrote. "If I need a bigger dress, so be it. That one day — or any day — on the red carpet isn't nearly as important as making sure my daughter doesn't measure her worth by her dress size."

i guess this is a more positive manifestation of Venusian self image struggles

Jessica Alba- Bharani Stellium (Sun, Mercury & Venus)

“I was meant to feel ashamed if I tempted men,” she said. “Then I stopped eating a lot when I became an actress. I made myself look more like a boy so I wouldn’t get as much attention.”

Katie Couric- Purvashadha Sun

“I wrestled with bulimia all through college and for two years after that,” she shared with Lovato while interviewing her, per Glamour. “I know this rigidity, this feeling that if you eat one thing that’s wrong, you’re full of self-loathing and then you punish yourself, whether it’s one cookie or a stick of gum that isn’t sugarless, that I would sometimes beat myself up for that. How do you have a healthy relationship with food, and say, ‘You know what, I can have one cookie and it’s OK?’ That is such a huge thing for people who wrestle with this.”

Zayn Mailk- Purvaphalguni Moon

 In his 2016 autobiography, Zayn, he shared it would sometimes cause him to go two or three days without eating a single bite of food. “Something I’ve never talked about in public before, but which I have come to terms with since leaving the band, is that I was suffering from an eating disorder. It got quite serious, although at the time I didn’t recognize it for what it was,” he wrote. “When I look back at images of myself—before the final tour—I can see how ill I was. The workload and the pace of life on the road put together with the pressures and strains of everything going on within the band had badly affected my eating habits. Food was something I could control, so I did.”

Zoe Kravitz- Purvaphalguni Moon conjunct Ketu

“I think it was part of being a woman, and being surrounded by [fame],” she said. “I think it was definitely about being around that world, seeing that world. I felt pressured.” After playing an anorexic character in a movie, she hit her lowest of lows and was so malnourished that her immune system shut down. Months later, she decided to make a change. “I just felt it was different,” she said. “I don’t know… if a f—king spirit came over me and said: ‘You have to stop.’”

Mel C, Purvaphalguni Rising

"When I was in the Spice Girls, the stress of suddenly being thrust into the limelight led me into an unhealthy relationship with food and exercise,” she told The Mirror in 2012. “I became obsessed about what I ate and I cut lots of food groups, like carbs and protein, out of my diet. I survived on fruit and vegetables and little else.”

Nicole Scherzinger- Mars conjunct Rising in Purvaphalguni

"I really struggled with feeling like I fit in. I even had a hard time feeling like I fit into my own skin. I was really hard on myself and had a lot of struggles with self-esteem and a lot of insecurities,” she said. “Later on, that resulted in me having eating disorders because of my body dysmorphia.”

if you're reading this and struggling, you're not alone. please get help!! its not too late to turn things around!! youre so strong and you can do this!!

[theolivetree123]

◇ Yuuki's Intro ◇

More info below!

◇ Basic Info ◇

Age: 18 years old

Height: 170cm

Birthday: June 4th

Sexuality: Demiromantic, Asexual, Pansexual, Non-Binary

Nicknames: YuYu (Yumei and Hana), Henchman (Grim), Shrimpy (Floyd)

Dominant Hand: Left

Dorm: Ramshackle

Grade: 1st Year

Favorite Food: Ramen

Least Favorite Food: Toast

Likes: Video games, silence, cats, the smell of pastries, knives

Dislikes: Darkness, being alone, sudden loud noises, knives

Best Subject: N/A

Club: Art Club

Hobbies: Drawing, painting, playing video games

Homeland: Japan in the mid-2000s

Family: unnamed mother, father, sister and brother

◇ Before NRC ◇

Warning for mention of attempted suicide and bullying !!

Yuuki had no friends in their old school. There, they would be either ignored or harassed by their classmates due to their odd interests, leading to Yuuki becoming shy and reserved. It didn't help that Yuuki couldn't find comfort in their family, either, as their mother would excuse Yuuki's bullying to just be “their way of thinking” and tell them to ignore them, their siblings would call Yuuki “weird” and even “crazy” due to their liking of knives and horror media, and their dad was almost never home, always working long shifts.

All of this stress over years upon years finally pushed Yuuki over the edge, and on one cold, December night, Yuuki attempted to end their life. After stealing a knife from the kitchen, Yuuki made their way to the middle of the woods, not wanting anyone to see them as they took their life. As they stabbed themselves in the stomach, a black carriage sped towards them, and Yuuki fell unconscious.

The next thing they knew, they fell out of a coffin, feeling strangely fine. No stab wound or anything. Yuuki quickly fled the room, panicking about where they were. And as they fled the building, they looked up at the campus before them.

“Where the hell am I?!?”

◇ Relationships ◇

Grim & Ramshackle Ghosts: Yuuki and the residents of Ramshackle's relationship are very similar to how it is in twst canon, though Yuuki is still a bit frightened by the ghosts. Grim often has to rope Yuuki in with him when he wants to do something, as Yuuki is extremely cautious about almost everything.

Hana: As (technically) vice housewarden of Ramshackle, Yuuki respects Hana and treats her well. Yuuki sees Hana as somewhat of a mother figure, as Hana is older and wiser than them and tends to keep Grim and Yumei out of trouble.

Yumei: Yuuki doesn't like Yumei that much, as she's very outgoing and bubbly. Though Yumei tries to get along with Yuuki, sometimes they just don't click. However, Yuuki still appreciates Yumei and sees her as a sister.

Ace & Deuce: Yuuki appreciates Ace and Deuce due to them being able to push Yuuki out of their comfort zone and being their first friends. Though, Yuuki sometimes feels like a third wheel, always taking a backseat while Ace and Deuce bicker.

Idia: Being the one who supplies and plays video games with Yuuki, Idia is one of Yuuki's best friends. They always get along, even having sleepovers sometimes specifically to play video games. Yuuki feels seen when talking to Idia, as they were mocked for liking video games and anime.

Vil: As one of the people to help him overcome his overblot, Yuuki is quite dear to Vil. Even though they don't have much in common, the two still talk and hang out sometimes. Yuuki still feels somewhat strange about Vil being friends with them since he's such a popular figure, but Vill assures Yuuki that they can still be friends no matter how popular he is. While Yuuki only sees a friendship, Vil seems to want something more. Though Vil acts casual around Yuuki, he still has a tiny crush on them.

◇ Relationship Charts ◇

With some of my mutual's OCs !

◇ Gallery ◇

◇ Miscellaneous Facts ◇

Yuuki has Autism and ADHD

Yuuki doesn't like being around knives

When Yuuki feels sad, they sometimes paint on the walls of Ramshackle

Yuuki covers up their self-harm scars regularly. Only Grim and the Ramshackle ghosts have seen them

[thecoleopterawithana]

Suicide

If when she tries to run away / And he calls her back, she comes / If there's a next time, he's okay / Cause she's under both his thumbs She'll limp along to his side / Singing a song of ruin, I'd / Bet he says nothin' doin' / I'd, I'd call it suicide

This is likely one of the first songs Paul ever wrote. It predates Rock 'n Roll washing up onto the Mersey shores and the tingles that started going up and down Paul's spine. Not yet acquainted with his "confidante", Paul's earliest compositions were done instead on his home piano.

This particular tune seems to have come about around Paul's fourteenth birthday, in mid-1956. It is not known how this song sounded at its genesis: did it already have the lyrics, or was it like the contemporaneous "When I'm Sixty-Four", for which he originally had only the tune?

We hear "Suicide" for the first time in the Get Back sessions, with complete lyrics and John joining in right from the first verse. From Paul's comments on the song, it does seem like he had the lyrics in mind from the get-go:

That was a song I’d had forever, since I was about 16. I had my Dad’s old piano at home, that I used to tinker about on when there was no-one in the house. And my feelings were, then, that if you were ever going to be a songwriter, the height of it all was Sinatra. That would be the greatest stuff that you could do, really a little bit before rock ‘n’ roll, so you were thinking of standards and things. So around that time I wrote “When I’m 64” and this other thing. I thought it would be a bit of a Rat Pack, smoochy, with words like “When she tries to, run away, uh-huh…” Boom! And stabs from the band, you know.

— Paul McCartney, in the McCartney - Archive Collection (2011) liner notes.

I'm curious about the timing because, in usual McCartney fashion, we have quite dark lyrics being camouflaged by a jaunty little tune (à la "Maxwell Silver Hammer", "Another Day", etc.) And they are made even darker if they were written by a fourteen-year-old boy.

When I first heard of this song, I assumed, based on the title, that it'd been written after Mary's death. So I was quite surprised when I saw its origin dated to potentially even earlier than that (although I don't really know what information these estimations are based on).

Regardless of the exact date of origin, this song had been on my mind since I heard it brought up in @anotherkindofmindpod's Fine Tuning: Ep 2 Shoulder to Shoulder. Together with Ep 4 Shells & Barriers and the wonderful analyses that emerged from it, I've been wondering about what influenced teenage Paul to write a song about a woman trying (and failing) to escape an abusive marriage. From @bidisasterhawkeye's contribution to the aforementioned post:

For those unaware, Paul's mother had a quite tragic background. The second of four children, her younger sister Agnes died at age two (cause unknown) when Mary was around eight years old. When Mary was ten, her mother died giving birth to another baby girl (who also died). At that point, Mary's older brother left their home in Liverpool to join the army and Mary's father took Mary and her toddler brother, Bill, back to his home country of Ireland. In Ireland, they apparently lived in extreme poverty as Mary's father tried and failed to become a farmer. Ten year old Mary was apparently not enrolled in school there because she was given the role of homemaker and mother to her baby brother. When Mary was around 13, her father went to Liverpool and acquired a second wife with children of her own, and this new stepmother was apparently "cruel" enough that Mary ran away at age 14 (as did Bill later).

I might have seen it mentioned somewhere around here recently (please let me know if you know where!), but it's curious that Paul wrote about women running away in "Suicide" and "She's Leaving Home", when his own teenage mother went through the same. The latter song seems to apply better to Mary's situation at fourteen. Whose story is Paul telling in "Suicide"?

Maybe it's not that deep, and "Suicide" is indeed only a joke song. Paul certainly seems to want us to believe that:

It was a real early song of mine, and I used to do it as a joke, really. […] So I never did anything with it but around the time of McCartney, I was just goofing around on piano and at the end of one of the takes there was a little bit of tape left, so I just did it and didn’t think to use it because it was Rat Pack, tongue in cheek. But I used that little fragment at the end of one of the tracks, ‘Glasses’.

Haha, good ol' Paul, goofing around with a meaningless little tune called "Suicide" right around the same time stuff like this was happening:

I was going through a bad time, what I suspect was almost a nervous breakdown. I remember lying awake at night shaking, which has not happened to me since. One night I'd been asleep and awoke and I couldn't lift my head off the pillow. My head was down in the pillow, I thought, Jesus, if I don't do this I'll suffocate. I remember hardly having the energy to pull myself up, but with a great struggle I pulled my head up and lay on my back and thought, That was a bit near! I just couldn't do anything. I had so much in me that I couldn't express and it was just very nervy times, very very difficult.

— Paul McCartney, in Barry Miles' Many Years From Now (1997).

I'll leave further ruminations on the emotional implications of "Suicide" to your discretion. Or we can take a page out of Lewisohn's book and simply conclude:

But though the words wanted work (and didn’t get it), ["Suicide"] was a charming little tune, a dance-band piece with a dash of modernity, light, engaging and original … quite exceptional for a first attempt by a boy on the cusp of 14.

[trancylovecraft]

(KNY) YANDERE PLATONIC! KOKUSHIBO x SISTER READER: You, Shibou. I, Kokoro (CHAPTER FIVE)

Previous Chapter ☆♡☆ Masterlist ☆♡☆ Next Chapter

AO3 link

CHAPTER FIVE: "These explanations are valid. But it should be known if the same day a friend of the desperate hasn't spoken to him with an indifferent tone.."

Mourning is the expression of grief after someone died. There are several types of mourning with an example being Chronic Grief.

Symptoms for this kind of grief can include extreme feelings of hopelessness, A sense of disbelief and a loss of meaning. All of which can lead to severe clinical depression or thoughts of self harm and even suicide.

The song of sparrows and swallows danced through the summer breeze, All sat nestled within the vegetation as they hummed their melody.

The soft sunlight shone down upon the shrine, Giving a blessing of quiet light to the abundance of blossoming flowers nearby. [F/N] blinked once, Trying to figure out whether what she was seeing was a mirage or reality.

Was this the afterlife? It certainly felt like it as the gentle warmth caressed her skin, A calm embrace that pacified her worries. It felt peaceful, Something so tranquil that she couldn't help but melt into the porch she was perched on.

She felt the heat of the wood as she laid against it, Like a firm hand cupping her cheek as she basked in the sunlight. Her worries quickly dissolving into nothing at the touch.

Afterlife.. Why did she mistake her everyday as the Afterlife? How did it even come up in the first place? [F/N] had no idea. She huffed lightly, Only mildly confused as she nuzzled further into the comfort of the timber.

She took a moment to take it all in. The rustle of the leaves, The cicadas in the bushes, The clear sapphire skies looking over her. It was beautiful, A serene little world all to herself, It was paradise.

Life was nice, It was simple and tranquil. She tended to the crops, To the shrine and the wellbeing of the forest. And after she was done with that she could spend her day roaming around with the wildlife, Spending time with her brothers and watching them train.

It was good.

"[F/N]..!"

She heard her name called out to her, And without a second thought or any bodily control [F/N] jolted up from her lying position to look across the courtyard.

"Lying on the porch again? You're gonna get sunburn if you keep doing that.."

[F/N] watched her older brother, Michikatsu, Slowly make his way over to her. He had a single hand on the hilt of his sword while the other was wiping the training sweat from off his brow, A light smile playing on his face as he did.

"Michi-Nii! You're back!" [F/N] exclaimed as she hopped up from the porch, Quickly dusted herself off before running over to him and jumping into his arms so swiftly that it made him stumble back a bit.

"Ah! [F/N], You need to be more careful.. You could of knocked me over." Michikatsu scolded, Yet the warmth playing in both his eyes as he held her up told [F/N] all she needed to know.

"As if! You're too tough for that." [F/N] grinned as she looked down on her older brother.

Michikatsu shook his head lightly

"You really give me too much credit sometimes.." Michikatsu remarked as he brought his gaze away from her, His smile was still there yet [F/N] could see the slight quirk.

She reached over and held his shoulder, The touch bringing him back to his senses as he looked right back at [F/N].

"You don't give yourself enough credit, You're able to train for hours at a time and not even get tired. I'd definetly consider that tough!" [F/N] said, The smile evident in her voice as she said so.

Michikatsu frowned

"I hear you saying things like that all the time to Yorichii, You know? I appreciate your words but.." Michikatsu trailed off from his sentence, The venomous undertone spiking in concentration at the mention of his twin.

[F/N] squeezed his shoulder.

"…But Yori-nii doesn't train for hours at a time, Does he? I mean all my words to him, I really do but if I am being honest.." [F/N] paused as she lowered her voice. "You've got drive to be strong. It's really admirable, You know? Yori-nii may be strong and such but honestly, You have the passion to do it.. It's you who I look up to." [F/N] admitted.

A nervous giggle followed her words, Like she was slightly embarrassed by the fact she was actually able to confess it to him.

Michikatsu seemed shocked as he heard this, The light in his blank eyed stare seemed to spark up like wood to friction as he looked up at his sister. The grip on her grew only a smidge tighter as he smiled.

"You.. You really mean that?" Michikatsu asked.

[F/N] beamed back at him, An expression that almost seemed as warm as the sun as she looked back at him.

"Of course I mean it! You're my-" [F/N] cut herself off suddenly, Her words dying on her tongue. The happy grin slowly dissolving into a puzzled frown.

"[F/N]?" Michikatsu asked as he noticed the grip on his shoulder loosen, Then eventually fall to her side.

"You're my.." [F/N] mumbled. Michikatsu set her down onto the ground, Her feet lightly touching the smoothed dirt as she stood there quietly.

Michikatsu went down onto a single knee to level his eyes with her far-off ones.

"[F/N].. Are you alright?" He asked, Eyes searching for the answer as he watched her brows knit together. Her stare returning to him as her visage contorted into a slightly alarmed expression.

"I.. I don't know.. Who are you?" [F/N] exclaimed, Her stance stumbled back. Her breath growing heavy as she felt the world around her darken, The sun burning so bright before seemed to melt away into a endless black void.

"[F/N]" Her name sounded so distorted when he spoke now, As she looked back at him she could see that it wasn't just the sun that was melting.

It was his face too.

Like melting wax his features turned into sludge. His nose, Eyes and mouth all dripped down and fell into a puddle on the ground, Which started pulling them both in like quicksand.

[F/N] screamed.

She tried to pull away once his molten arm lunged out for hers, Yet she was too slow. His rapidly deteriorating limb locking onto hers, Yanking her forward off her feet and into his grasp.

[F/N] cried even louder, Tears starting to rush out of her ducts as she felt the sludge touch her skin.

He kept making noises as he pulled her in, Strangled and choked wails like he was in pain. Like his vocal chords were mangled and severed inside his throat. [F/N] struggled, She flailed about in his hold. Kicked, Punched, Hit, Anything. Anything at all to get out of the sludge starting to envelop her whole.

It latched onto her legs, Onto her arms and her mid-section. It was like it was desperate, Like it's life depended on bringing her as close as possible.

What was happening? Why was the entire world that seemed so tranquil before turn into a candle wax nightmare? The entire world seemed to follow suit of the monster intent on consuming her, Dripping away and mixing together like a raindrops on a window.

Her screams mixed into the dissolving world too, Sounds combining with the shrill cries of the monster as she felt the nigh-boiling heat of his molten flesh grasp onto her face. [F/N] felt her own skin start to bubble.

Then eventually, She felt herself start to melt.

☆♡☆

Her body jolted like skin to an exposed wire, Eyes shooting open as she gasped for air.

She felt her lungs rapidly expand then decrease, A cold sweat running down her back as she tried to gather her racing thoughts. [F/N]'s body felt like it had been frozen to the touch, Both with the sheer temperature of the chilling room and the stiffness of her unthawed limbs. They felt so numb, The only feeling was the minute aching of her joints so far spread that it was like she hadn't moved in weeks.

What happened? [F/N] gripped the side of her head, A throbbing pain in her frontal lobe pulsated as she groaned in pain. It made it hard to recollect herself, To remember what could of happened.

Her spare hand felt around, Vision still a tad blurry as her fingers met the soft touch of thick fabric.

[F/N] tried to blink away the fuzz in her sight as she continued to feel around, It was the cotton bedding of a futon.

She groaned, Finally piecing together enough parts of the puzzle to come to terms of what happened.

[F/N] had fallen asleep, She had another nightmare.

[F/N] sighed. A tired yet tad annoyed exhale of air escaped her lungs as her body stilled onto the futon like a rolling coin, The soft mattress feeling like delicate silk on her skin as she relaxed.

Her memories, They came back to her like a heeling dog. [F/N] recalled the fight with Uppermoon one, Her fatal injuries, The destruction of her shrine.. She felt her heart jolt at the thought of it.

The walls which sheltered her through thick and thin, The ruined hallways that held such talkative life and the ceilings that housed the injured and maimed.. All destroyed within a single night.

The thought of it disgusted [F/N], During the fight she hadn't thought much of it- The raw adrenaline being a distraction to it's fall. She calmed down rather quickly however.

The fight with the Uppermoon, Her injuries, The shrine's destruction. It wasn't real, It couldn't be.

Because she was currently lying in her bedroom.

It was dark, [F/N] could barely see a foot in front of her due to the poor lack of lighting. Despite it however she could make out the basic shapes of furniture lying within the shadows. The closet, The dresser and the tatami mats lain out were all there, Just like they've always been.

The shoji door's that let in only a crack of periwinkle light, The several statues of worship scattered about, Everything she owned, They were here.

It all must of been a dream, Her bedroom was destroyed along with the rest of the shrine so it was completely impossible to be lying down on her futon right now.

[F/N] felt a low frustration rise in her throat. These nightmares were getting out of hand. It was easier when it was the blizzard, Then she knew what to expect, She knew what she was getting into despite how horrid it would be.

Now? Dreams involving "Uppermoon one", Both the melting flesh and the shrine invasion were so much worse. They changed every time, She had no idea what was coming, Had no preparation at all.

The latter was particularly worse. Mitsuri's face, Her hysterical begging for [F/N] not to go, It burned into her mind like a branding. Not to mention the finality of her death only to wake up and find out it was just a nightmare.

[F/N] thought she finally got it over with, She supposed not however, The shrine was proof of that.

Though these dreams had to be a sign, But of what?

[F/N] stretched her arms slightly, Trying to wear off the numbness in her joints as she tried to haul her upper body into a sitting position, Only to yelp out in pain and fall back into the silky mattress.

A sharp pain feeling appeared in her abdomen once she tried to get up, It felt like a dozen knives stabbing into her, Twisting and turning within her guts.

[F/N] groaned, Her hands reaching down to the point of pain only to come to touch with what felt like bandage dressing.

Her eyes widened, Needing to confirm this information she quickly shoved off the covers protecting her from the cold draft. And sure enough, She was right.

Wrapped tightly yet carefully across her abdomen were thick bandages, Wrapped entirely around the front to her back.

Small splotches of red seemed to stain parts of the dressing, One's that made [F/N]'s jaw drop agape as she peered down at her core.

What.. What does this mean..?

Her dream.. In her dream she was fatally wounded, She had finally died.. All due to deep injury inflicted on her. It had to be a dream though, She was in her shrine of course!

But it was here, The dressing was covering the exact place she had been struck.

[F/N] planted both hands on each side of her and with great effort she slowly pushed herself up into a sitting position, Careful not to trigger the pain.

Beads of sweat rolled down her forehead as she finally sat up. She was simply dressed in an oversized Jinbei, Sleep clothing that seemed too big for her stature yet stayed comfortable draped on it anyways.

She breathed in and out. What was happening? The shrine around her started to seem more distorted than it did before. Furniture seeming bigger or smaller than she remembered, Things misplaced.

All of it just starting to seem.. off.

It was her shrine but.. Something was wrong. Something very wrong. The feeling creeping up her spine didn't help either. An uncomfortable dread climbing up her back and drenching her in sweat, A feeling that felt like she was being watched.

Her open maw snapped shut. Her body growing rigid in place, The eyes like that of a gorgons.

Something was watching her

From her peripherals, She could see six glowing amber eyes were watching her from within the darkness.

They were piercing. Even though she only dared to see through the corners of her vision she could tell how intense their gaze was, How they seemed to be looking right through her, Glaring right into her soul.

She felt her hands start to tremble. Her mouth growing dry as her thoughts felt like they were going a thousand miles per minute, Racing to find a solution.

The eyes.. There eyes were looking at her.. What was she going to do? What could she do?

[F/N] had no time to think as they started to move.

The six glowing points shifted and moved within the shadows like fireflies. [F/N] could only make out the general shape of the being as it morphed within the darkness into what looked like a standing position.

[F/N] didn't need to have another thought, She knew who it was. It was the man from her 'dreams'.

Uppermoon one.

In her dream or at least what she thought was a dream he seemed much less.. Imposing. It's not to say he wasn't, He certainly was but it was easily ignorable due to the heat of the moment and [F/N]'s own desires.

But now as his frightening form emerged from the dark corners, His sinister prescence nigh-radiating from his figure she could only turn her head over in horror to meet his hellish visage staring right back at her.

This was the man from her dreams. The man in the blizzard, This was him.

The image of his open mouth ready to bite down, Body lunging for her. Teeth digging into the flesh of her arm. All of it flashed in her mind in rapid motion. How could she be so stupid to not figure it out?

This was what Inari was warning her about.

"You're awake.." His voice sent a freezing chill through her system, Her heart feeling like it was restarting inside of her chest as her breathing grew ragged.

Her mask. Where was her mask?

[F/N]'s fight or flight activated. Her fighter instincts finally kicking in as her hand shot out to where her mask usually sat, Hidden within her haori.

But she came up empty, Her hand only touching the side of her jinbei.

Her mask was nowhere in sight.

"I've been waiting so long.. For you to awaken.." Uppermoon one rasped. He took careful calculated steps towards her, A steady pace that moved him closer to [F/N] ever so slowly.

What was he going to do to her? She couldn't fight back, Her mask..

She was completely useless without her mask. It was the source of her body strength, The one she was most used to fighting in. Her body now was too frail, Not to mention the large gash in her abdomen.

She was helpless.

The only thing she could do was back away on the futon, Pushing herself as far into the corner as she could. Get as much distance between him and her as she eyed him up and down, Waiting for his next move.

"W-What do you want.. How am I here..?" Her voice was filled with defensive malice, Yet it shook under the weight of the situation. Her terror seeping through it all.

Kokushibo didn't falter in his stride as he approached her. The room was dark, The only thing illuminated was his eyes as he stopped in front of the futon. Staring down at her shrunken form.

His eyes narrowed as he looked at her, His knee's crouching down so he was as close to her level as possible.

[F/N] felt like a sitting duck under him. His hand reached out, Light from his eyes shining off his claws.

She clenched her eyes shut, Not wanting to know wha-

A cold palm touched the side of her cheek, A chilling sensation that felt like dry ice on her skin, So much so that it almost felt a scorching fire.

"Open your eyes.. I want to see them.." He commanded. Out of fear she did what he said and gazed up at him.

She looked upon his face, Her eyes locked onto his that looked down at her with such an odd emotion, Such a strange way his bloodshot eyes seemed so calm. A way that disturbed her down to her very core.

His palm was cupping her cheek, Claws careful not to graze her as his thumb rubbed gently over her skin. Eyes searching for something before a small uncanny smile appeared on his face looking so unnatural on him, Showing off the row of sharp teeth settled in his maw.

"You're here.. You're really here.. The gods have given you back to me after all these centuries.." He mumbled under his breath as his thumb rubbed the outline of her cheekbones.

[F/N] didn't understand, Mind like tangled threads as she spoke out once again.

"W-Where am I.. Why.. W-Why am I alive?" She cried. Tears brimming on the ledge of her eyes as she shied away from his sickening touch, Not for long however as his hand just gripped the side of her face harder, Keeping her in place.

Kokushibo shook his head lightly.

"You are frightened.. It is understandable.. You have woken up with an injury and most assumedly a headache.. I do sincerely apologise for that.. But I ask you to calm down.. You are safe now.." He spoke, His tone trying its best to mimic a comforting tone while [F/N] didn't believe his words for a single second.

She swallowed down the sheer terror in her throat.

"A-Answer me.. W-Why am I here.. Alive?" [F/N] repeated. Kokushibo only caressed the side of her cheek, His face filled up with thought as he began to speak.

"..It is a rather silly question.. Why you are here should already be obvious to you.. And alive..? You are lucky I was able to provide first aid.. Otherwise.." He trailed off, The last of his words going unspoken as his smile dropped.

[F/N] took the chance to speak, A small slither of vigour still left in her as she did.

"It's not obvious at all.. Explain it to me, I-I should be dead.. I should.. Why am I alive, Where am I.. What do you plan on doing with me?" She looked back up at him with the steadiest expression she could muster, One of which he completely ignored in favour of his stare turning.. Miffed.

"You.. You should be aware of why you are here.. Do you not recognise me, Little one?" Kokushibo asked. His demeanour started to shift to a more recognisable aura, Something serious. More dark in the hum of his voice.

"I-I.." She recognised him alright. His face was burned into her vision every time she blinked. Met his eyes every time she slumbered, But judging by the tone of his voice.. That wasn't the right answer.

"No.." [F/N] said, Shaking her head as she watched his frown contort into a scowl. One which she shrunk back into the corner at as he dropped the hand cupping her cheek, Letting it fall to his side.

"I.. No.. You said my name.. You called me by my nickname, The one you always used.. You remember, Don't you?" Kokushibo's voice, The serious tone was still there, Permeating his voice yet the lilt undertone of a pleading man, Desperate and confused radiated within his voice.

[F/N] sharpened her jaw, She had no idea what he was talking about. He spoke as if he knew her, Like she was an old friend yet she couldn't recall ever knowing him.

"I.. I don't know your name.. I-I.. I don't know who you are.." [F/N] replied.

Her words seemed to trigger something within him, His scowl growing more angry as he backed away from the futon. [F/N] watched on as he turned his back to her, His body going completely still, Almost disturbingly so as he just stood there without making a single move.

[F/N] took a deep breath in, One she didn't know she needed as she tried to steady the beating of her drumming heart. The sweat dripped down her face freely, She needed to make a move.

Quietly swinging her legs over the side of the futon she placed them down onto the wooden floorboards, All while eyeing the demon a few feet away from her like an ticking bomb.

[F/N] softly got up from the futon. The pain in her abdomen diluted down, The shock before had caused it to seem worse than it already was. It was bad, But she could work with it, She always had.

She placed another foot down in front of her, The wooden boards were old, She needed to be careful as she quietly circled around him. Trying her best not to alert him to her movements as she went.

[F/N]'s stretched out hand eventually felt the wood of the shoji door, The one letting bioluminescent light through the single crack it made. Feeling around she caught her fingers on the edge.

She carefully slid it open, Though it didn't matter as the careful light illuminating from the other side flooded into the room like a rising sun over a dead night. Snapping Kokushibo out of whatever trance he had been in and jerk his head over to her position.

"You..!"

[F/N] didn't wait to hear what he had to say, Her feet moved for her as she took off into the hallway at the first alarm raised.

She ran throughout the hall barefoot, The sole of her foot feeling the sharp splinters digging into her like porcupine hide as she went. It didn't matter in the slightest though, Not the pain stabbing into her soles or the warped caricature of her shrine's hallways as she sprinted through past the old tapestries and near-ancient support beams.

Is he following me? Where's the exit? Run now, Think later she chided. [F/N] didn't stop for a second to look around or listen out for the possibility of heavy footsteps following her as she went. Her mind was dead-set on escape.

She sharply turned round corners, Fumbled her way through the winding hallways as she finally reached a set of creaked cedar stairs. [F/N] took no time in descending them, Each step slightly bending under her quick motions as she got to the bottom.

Despite the warped mimicry of her shrine, Walls and hallways worn out and minimized, [F/N] could still navigate it with a finesse that left her fast on her feet.

Her internal GPS carried her feet and guided her along. In front of her was the main shrine doors, Two wide cedarwood doorframes with windows that let in a bluish-green light into the shadow blessed pathway.

This was it. She was going to get out, It was only a few more seconds until she reached her salvation. Her exit from this live-nightmare, Such a thought that made her pace quicken. Heart thudding so hard she felt like it would explode.

[F/N] reached out her steady hands, Reaching the door she slammed her hands down and shoved them wide open to where the courtyard should be.

Rushing out int-

[F/N] stride shuddered in its steps. The once determined sprint fizzled out into a walk, Then she stopped completely in her tracks all together.

Her eyes widened, Irises shaking in their sclera as she felt her knees start to wobble.

W-What.. What does this.. Where..

In front of her wasn't the courtyard. No.. It wasn't the courtyard at all.

Standing before her was an infinite sea, An endless dark plane that seemed to stretch on forever. There was no end. Up, Left, Right.. All of it was an infinite expanse in all directions. A fast breeze blew out from nowhere at all, Hitting her face and snapping her out of the horrified trance she was stuck in.

She snapped her head down to the ground she was standing on. What should of been the smooth dirt of the courtyard was instead a wide rickety dock, One that seemed just as endless as the void, Branches of the dock stretching out like tree roots around the shrine connecting and ending seemingly at random.

This.. This couldn't be real… This must be another dream, It had to be! It appeared like a lovecraftian-esque pocket dimension, Nothing from the real world, Nothing from reality at all.

Her palms were clammy. [F/N] took a few wearied steps, Disbelief shown in her eyes as she felt the heel of her foot land on nothing. She yelped out, Quickly backing up onto the dock as she peered over the edge.

It was an aquamarine sea. The one that the dock's structure ventured deep down into the depths of, Blurring out in the faint turquoise glow rising up from the foaming aqua. Gumussevri, The light it emitted being the only source within the infinity surrounding them.

This didn't make sense.. It couldn't.. How could it? [F/N] felt the glimmer of hope extinguish under the seafoam waves of the water below. How could she ever hope to escape..?

[F/N] felt the slow depression of the dock before she heard the footsteps. Heavy, Slow and stoic as she felt the doors behind her shut gently, That being the thing bringing her attention as she turned around.

Kokushibo was only a couple metres away from her. [F/N] felt her eye twitch, That's why he didn't run after her.. That's why he didn't catch her a soon as she stepped foot out of the room.

He knew she had nowhere else to run.

"[F/N].. I am offended.. Why would you try to get away from me..? You.. You must remember me.. You must. You said my name, It's undeniable proof.." He accused, Standing in a complete stance.

His eyes pierced into her like javelins, Sharp and scrutinizing yet it still held that strange quality of desperation. It made her shiver and that in turn made his frown sharpen. How he knew her first name didn't matter to her in that moment, She only opened her mouth ready for a rebuttal.

[F/N] breathed. She had gotten this far.

"I've told you, I don't know your name nor do I know how you know mine. I don't know who you are and I certainly don't know what you want with me.. Whoever you think I am, I am obviously not." [F/N] argued. She bared her teeth, Trying to steady her jaw.

Kokushibo shook his head. He took a single step towards her and in response she took several more back.

"[F/N].. You have been asleep for a few weeks.. I suppose I should of predicted your confusion but.." He paused

"Maybe it's possible that you don't recall.." He muttered. A few weeks?! She had been asleep for several weeks, Assumedly healing under the care of this cold monster standing in front of her acting friendly as it could.

She'd lament over it later though, What mattered was here and now. And right now he was starting to aggravate her.

[F/N] clenched her fist. How stubborn could he be? She didn't know him, Had only seen him as warnings in dreams yet he acted as if they had known each other for decades. He was completely delusional and to spite all the terror she was feeling in this moment, It pissed [F/N] off.

"Then if you do not remember.. Let me refresh your memory, Little one.." Kokushibo said.

"My name is Kokushibo.. I hold the highest rank within the twelve moons, Sitting at Upperrank one.." He started.

"Though.. You should be recognising me as Michikatsu Tsugikuni.. Your older brother.." Kokushibo announced, His eyes staring down onto her, Closely examining her facial expression. Waiting intently for her reaction.

[F/N] stilled. Her body growing rigid as if she was fixed to the dock by nails.

"..I'm sorry.. What?" She asked. Her eyes blinking rapidly as she looked up at him in disbelief.

"..I am your big brother.. And you are my little sister.." He repeated so clearly yet his voice seemed incoherent to her ears. [F/N] swallowed a lump in her throat, If she thought he was delusional before he now looked completely insane to her now.

He was a demon.. An Uppermoon, He must of been hundreds of years old at the very least yet here he was claiming to be her sibling? It didn't add up, He looked at her like she was meant to understand but she couldn't find a single puzzle piece that fit.

"Impossible.. You're hundreds of years old and I have absolutely no older siblings.."

Kokushibo breathed out, The carbon dioxide showing in the chill-raising air as he took another step forward towards her. This time, [F/N] didn't move back.

"Impossible, Yes.. I thought the same thing once I saw you again.. You died near enough five hundred years ago yet there you were.. Bleeding out within the rubble of your desecrated shrine.. For centuries I grieved for you.." He lamented. A sudden pain crossing him as he seemed to recall something deep within him.

He was spouting sheer madness. He was the one who took her here against her own wishes and nursed her back to physical health, It made her heart writhe around inside her and this time she couldn't bite her tongue.

"I-I am not your sister, We are not related in any way… I don't know how goddamn delusional you need to be to think as such! You are a demon, Not my brother.. I want you to piss off and leave me alone, You fucking monster!" [F/N] cried. The terrified tone only an afterthought suddenly grew back into the forefront of her mind as she watched him close.

As soon as the word monster rolled off her tongue his body stilled, His expression going blank as he stared down at her with an unrecognisable expression. It disturbed her right down to her stomach, Even more so when she felt the heat.

"You.. You will not speak to me like that, Little one.." He said through gritted teeth. [F/N] felt her body raise up into that state of flight or fight once more, His soul radiating such a boiling hot heat that [F/N] could feel it in her bones.

It was obvious he was trying to hold back his anger, Yet it spilled out of the brims of his expression. The twitch of his fingers and the glare he gave her, She could tell and it utterly horrified her.

"As your older brother and the last remaining head of our clan.. You will treat me with respect.. It doesn't matter if you're confused or have.. forgotten entirely.. You address me in proper honorifics like a good younger sister should." Kokushibo hissed. Venom near dripping off every word as he started approaching her trembling form.

His footsteps were slow, Drawing out every step as he finally loomed over her. Shadow cast over him as [F/N] looked up at him, Body aching for her to run.

Whatever façade of cold comfort he put up was completely shattered now, His eyes brimming with malice and his fingers itching the reach for the hilt of his sword. Itching to strike her down.

"I've been praying for this day for centuries.. For the wish that you would come back to me.. You said you would never leave me again, And I fully intend to hold you to your promise.. You cannot run.. So come back here now and I will forget this little mistake.. If you do not, I assure your time here will be much more.. Nightmarish.." He commanded lowly. Slowly moving towards her

"..No matter how far you go I will always be right behind you.. You will not escape me."

But that didn't mean she wasn't willing to try.

Her legs moved before she could comprehend she was. Quickly turning around and sprinting off down the dock in her nightwear and splotched dressing as she cried out in sheer utter helplessness.

Kokushibo paused as he watched her go. He didn't bother run after her, He knew she wouldn't get far.

As [F/N] carefully navigated throughout the labyrinth of docks she could hear his quiet voice call after her, Echoing through the void and seeping through her as she ran.

"Tire yourself out all you want.. Run as long and as far as you like but you will never be able to leave me.. Not again. When you come back.. Do not expect to be treated with such affection that I have offered you thus far.. Not until you stop with this stupid rebellious phase of yours.."

Though [F/N] could barely hear him, As his silhouette shrunk further and further into the vastness of the void.

All until he disappeared completely

☆♡☆

Knock! Knock! Knock!

Three soft and precise knocks hit against the thin cut of the rosewood door.

Sounds of quiet shuffling could be heard from within the house, Settling of cups and screeching of chairs as footsteps started to move their way over to the closed entrance.

The door slid open only a peep, Only enough for the weathered face of a middle-aged man to careen his head over to get a good look out past it.

"Hello..?"

"Hello there!" A polite and cheery voice spoke out to him, One that sounded exaggerated and overly-friendly compared to his quiet yet cordial tone. The girl the voice belonged to smiled lightly and clasped her hands together.

"My name is Shinobu Kocho from the Demon Slayer Corps, If I am not mistaken.. This is the Kanroji household is it not?" Shinobu asked. Glassy orchid eyes staring into the ones of the older mans, His own softened at her introduction as he nodded.

"Ah.. Yes. You two must be my daughter's colleague's." He said. The slightly cracked open door slid ajar, His shoulders softening and a small welcoming smile grew onto his aged face as he looked at the two slayers.

Shinobu, A woman of short stature similar to that of a mantis. She held an eternal far off gaze that seemed clouded with the salesman smile plastered onto her face like concrete. Her butterfly haori and short tied hair danced in the wind as he looked over at the other man behind her.

"Greetings.." Was all the other slayer said as he lightly bowed down to him.

Despite being taller than his colleague, He was still rather short. He had a mop of choppy black hair that looked overgrown as it covered his shadowed his face well, That and along with the bandages he used as a mask made his features nigh hidden. The only thing peeking out from over the mask was mismatched eyes.

"Ah, You must have more manners then that!" Shinobu exclaimed lightly as she giggled it off.

"I apologise for my friend here.. This is my co-worker Iguro Obanai. And yes, We're here to see Mitsuri-chan about recent events I'm sure you've been informed of?" Shinobu inquired, Tilting her head to the side while Obanai muttered something under his breath and swept his head to the side.

Mr. Kanroji nodded, His smile only dropping an inch.

"Yes.. I'm aware. You two better come in then." He nodded as he stepped a side, Raising an arm to welcome them into his abode. Shinobu smiled and thanked him as she made her way inside, Iguro following closely behind her as they entered the livingroom.

It was a cosy little room, It was homely and warm yet had enough room for a large family to move around in comfortably. It was beautifully decorated, Clean-cut furniture and masterfully painted moving doors.

It was a rather large family home, The inner walls of the house being compiled of entirely open shoji-doors revealing the wide open plan of the entire building.

"It's a nice home you have.." Iguro muttered as he made his way to the middle of the room.

"Thank you. Me and my wife are both rather house-proud.." He chuckled lightly "It's been easier to take care of since the little ones have grown bigger and gotten much more responsible. I love them all, But do they make mess I'd tell you.."

Shinobu airily laughed along with him.

"Yes! I have a few little girls who I provide for back home with me, Children are quite troublemakers aren't they?" Shinobu replied as she turned to the man.

"Aha! Isn't that the truth.." He smiled. "Though unfortunately we aren't here to talk about our kids.."

"No, Unfortunately not." Iguro confirmed, Nodding his head lightly as he started talking.

"It's about The Shrine Invasion Incident that occurred a few weeks ago, We're here to talk to Mitsuri-san about what happened when she was there and get her statement. About both the demon that attacked and the.. Casualties" Iguro explained.

Mr. Kanroji sighed.

"Yes. You're referring to [F/N], Right?" He asked.

Shinobu nodded.

"Correct. I understand that [F/N] was very close to Mitsuri-chan.. That and along with Fujimori-san of course." She said. As she did she slid a quick wink over to Mr. Kanroji and subtly signalled towards Iguro, Who didn't notice a thing.

Mr. Kanroji paused before nodding back.

"Right. Come, We can discuss this while we walk" He said. Beckoning them with his hand and turning his back and starting to walk at a leisurely pace out of the livingroom. Both slayers nodded and followed after him.

"So, Can you recall what happened when she came home?" Shinobu asked him as she trailed behind.

"Yes. It was in the early morning.. Both me and my wife were barely awake when we heard the banging on the door. When we opened it she just ran into my arms, She was hysterical and we could barely make a word out of what happened.. It was a painful sight to see.." He explained, Shaking his head.

"Ah.. I see" Shinobu said. "I'm aware that you and your wife were also quite familiar with [F/N]?"

Mr. Kanroji smiled once again yet it held none of that bright attitude he had before, It was instead blocked by a dark cloud hanging over him like a noose.

"Right.. Mitsuri and [F/N] were basically inseparable back when they were young, So much so that she was over at our place most of the time. [F/N] didn't have the best home life you see, Not that she had much of one to begin with but.. She stayed over so often, Helped out with chores and played with the younger kids so much that at points I even considered her my own. And I'm pretty sure my wife did too" Mr. Kanroji tried to play off the sombre undertone in his voice with a light-hearted giggle, Yet it was futile under the heaviness of his bleak voice.

"It was horrible when the news came to light. We both were broken up by her.. Choice of actions. But Mitsuri.. She just.. She just broke down entirely." He said. Shinobu's eyes narrowed in confusion.

Choice of actions, What he meant alluded her.

Before she could question it however he stopped at a closed door, A rarity amongst the open ones spread about the walls of the house. He turned around and looked at them with a serious expression.

"Alright then, This is it." He started as he looked down at the both of them

"Please, When you go in try to be gentle when speaking with her. Don't try to overwhelm her or make any sudden noises.. She's not in the best mental state right now." He said quietly, Nigh-whisper as he waited for their answer.

"Understood." They both said in unison.

Mr. Kanroji nodded before turning back to the door.

Raising a single fist he lightly knocked at the paper shoji door. He smiled a best as he could as he spoke.

"Pumpkin? Are you awake..?" He called out.

…

There was no answer.

Iguro shifted around uncomfortably in his stance. Mitsuri Kanroji, The woman he loved and cared for.. She wasn't anything like this. He knew her well. He knew she loved to eat, He knew the way her lip quirked when she was confused and he certainly knew she was a light sleeper.

Anything could wake her. A sneeze or the drop of a pin, Anything at all. And it was certain that she would definetly wake at the light knock on her door. For her not to answer was concerning at best. Mr. Kanroji tried once more.

"Your friends from work are here to see you.. It's about a few weeks ago.." He called out once more though this time you could hear the audible shake in his speech.

…

"Come in.."

A weak voice called out from behind the door, It was so quiet that you could barely hear it. Both Shinobu and Iguro took a glance at each other before Mr. Kanroji grabbed onto the handle and slowly slid the door open.

It was dark. That was the first thought that entered their heads as they finally saw the inside to the room, Their sole source of vision being the new light from the other side flooding in only a crack to reveal only the bare shapes of furniture inside.

"I'll leave you two to it.." Mr. Kanroji whispered as he stood behind the open door, Nodding towards the room.

"Thank you.." Shinobu replied lowly as she took the first few steps in, Iguro following closely behind as she slowly entered the abyss that was Mitsuri's room.

From what they could make out, It looked more like a guest room than it did an actual room. The source of light was the window which was meant to be open, Instead it was locked and bolted shut tight leaving their environment hard to navigate.

CLANK!

Iguro's foot hit against something on the floor, Looking down he gagged slightly.

It was a small plate of food. It looked to be a normal meal consisting of pork cutlets and a side of omurice. Though on closer inspection Iguro spied the signs of mould starting to gather up on the meat from most likely a day or two, It hadn't been touched at all.

Iguro swallowed down his bubbling concerns and tried to ignore the smell as he stepped around it.

Both Shinobu and Iguro moved towards the centrepiece of the room of which being a large futon. Growing closer they could see the shapes of several duvets and pillows scattered amongst it, Reminiscent of a crows nest from the built up barrier around the lump poking out from under one of the duvets.

Shinobu kept up her smile, Though as she moved it started to look more strained and forced like one you'd see on an advertisement or billboard.

They finally reached the futon. Both Shinobu and Iguro shuffled around the side, Avoiding scattered clothes and stray furniture as they tried to get a better look.

They could barely see anything at all, Both from the lack of light and the duvet covering the girl below it. The only thing they could make out was only the upper half of her face sticking out from under it, Lime irises staring up at both of them.

Iguro bit his tongue. He backed up a bit as his hands reached out for the window-shutters. Eyes not taken off of Mitsuri's as he opened it up, Letting the late-morning light fill the dark void of the room.

Once the sunlight bounced off the walls of the room, Shinobu's smile quickly switched down to a frown while Iguro's shoulders tensed up.

The room was much more of a mess than first thought to be. The odd scattered clothing or two turned out to be more like piles.

Uneaten meals more rotten than before were also placed about, Some on furniture, Some on the floor.

But what really put off the two was the girl they called a friend, Lying curled up in a fetal position within the bedding.

Now that the light hit her face she flinched back from the sudden exposure, Eyes clenching closed to prevent the sudden light hitting her pupils flood in. Both of them noticed the swollen red under her eyes and her stuffy nose, To which she sniffled lightly every so often.

"Mitsuri-chan.." Shinobu mumbled, Her face a practiced sympathy as she took another step forward towards the futon. She stopped however when the sudden movement of Mitsuri cut her off, Mitsuri hauling herself out from under the covers and up into a sitting position

"I.. Sorry about that.. Comfortable position and all.." Mitsuri giggled lightly. Yet the sound never quite reached her bloodshot eyes.

Coupled with the greasy tangle that was her hair and the rather shaky smile she held it was obvious to see her true self in that moment. Iguro took his turn to take a step forward.

"Mitsuri-san.. I.." He felt the words caught on his tongue once he looked down upon the painful expression of the girl in front of him. Despite lying in bed it looked like she hadn't slept for days, Weeks even.

"Y-You're here about a few weeks ago right? Were you able to look at the ruins..? F-Find anything?" Mitsuri's voice shook more than her ear to ear smile, It wasn't liked Shinobu's perfectly perfected one. No, It was instead like an unknowingly widowed wife in the ER room lobby, Waiting in ignorant bliss for what she assumed was just a cut.

Both Iguro and Shinobu shared another glance at one and other. Both having a silent conversation between the two before Shinobu turned her head back around to face Mitsuri.

"Well.. We were able to get a report back from the ruins of the shrine.." Shinobu started. Reaching within her butterfly haori she pulled out a small piece of folded paper.

Starting to unfold it she peered down and started to read.

"Lets see here.. There were more injuries than casualties.. Seventy two severely injured and thirty four deaths. Majority of the casualties being Kakushi and Lower ranked slayers.." Shinobu read out, Eyes scanning down the list.

Mitsuri slowly nodded.

"T-That's unfortunate.. I hope their families are doing okay.." Mitsuri replied softly, The first glint of genuine concern showing from behind her eyes.

"But.. Erm.." She started again.

Shinobu nodded, Sad smile painted. Mitsuri didn't have to finish her words for Shinobu to know what she meant.

"Yes.. About [F/N] and Fujimori.." The mention of the names caught Mitsuri's attention immediately, Her head perking up to give her undying regard as the glint in her eyes burned back up.

Shinobu's nose twitched, Body stiffening ever so slightly.

"..We weren't able to recover any bodies.."

The light in Mitsuri's irises started to grow, Yet it wasn't from the hope or finality of the news. Instead it was the reflection off the water starting to grow at the rims of her eyes.

Shinobu took in a deep breath and continued.

"The only trace was of Fujimori.. Which was a pool of blood located near the back of the shrine." Shinobu shook her head, Trying not to focus on Mitsuri as she continued.

"Our leading theory is that.. Well.. Fujimori was most likely eaten by the demon in question.. There was nothing left of him.." Shinobu whispered, Yet within the confines of the room it sounded like an reverberated scream to Mitsuri's ears.

And that's what broke the dam.

Mitsuri let out a quiet cry, Her shaky smile still spread wide across her face as the tears in her eyes flooded over. Rolling down her cheeks and dripping onto her lap as choked noises escaped her hoarse throat.

"Mitsuri-san-!"

Iguro instantly went into action at the first sound of her cries, He quickly moved over to her side, Sitting down next to her and placing a hand on her shoulder. Which was quickly dismissed by Mitsuri.

"D-Don't touch me.. Just, Please.. N-Not now.." Mitsuri wept. Iguro quickly obliged, Moving away from her on the bed as she planted her face into her palms. Shinobu looked on as she put the paper away, Eyes filled with pity.

"I.. I-I can't believe this.. I.. Why didn't I recognise the signs.. I.. D-Doesn't she remember our promise..?" She whispered. Her nails digging into her skin as she looked through the cracks of her fingers, Eyes staring off into the distance of the floor.

"She..? What do you mean by signs..?" Iguro asked lightly.

Mitsuri withdrew her face from her hands to look up at Obanai. Her eyes meeting the mismatch of his with a disbelieving gaze, Like his tongue spoke of heresy to her very own religion.

Her pained voice spoke out once again.

"F-Fujimori.. [F/N].. They.. They're the same person.. And I.." Mitsuri whispered.

Iguro's eyes widened to that of circles, He shook his head adamantly and responded quick to her.

"No.. That's impossible. Fujimori and [F/N] look completely different, How could they be the same?" Iguro asked. His soft voice was still present yet there was an edge to it, A sharp confusion and bafflement at her words.

Mitsuri didn't listen to him, It was like he wasn't even there.

"I-I knew it was there.. I really did but I just.. I-I just ignored them.. If I had tried just a little harder.. I-If I just.." Mitsuri's voice seemed to break down into children's babble, Ranting off under her breath about this and that Iguro just couldn't understand.

He took a step closer.

"Mitsuri.. Please, Tell me what you mean.." Iguro asked softly. He lowered down onto a single knee to match her eye level, Pleading silently with her to tell him.

Mitsuri mumbled something so quiet, So incomprehensible that neither Iguro nor Shinobu could hear.

"What did you say..?"

Mitsuri's lip quivered. Bloodshot eyes staring back at him with that disfigured smile still on her face. Her voice only turning up a single notch as they were finally able to make out what she said.

"[F/N].. S-She killed herself."

Shinobu's frown sharpened into a tight-lipped grimace. Iguro's brows furrowed, His bandaged mask concealing his parted lips, Information still processing in his mind.

"I-If I just tried a little harder.. If I just made sure she was okay, Said hello or just.. Just ask her what was wrong.. S-She would've still been here with me.. I.. I did this.. I-I shouldn't of let go of her hand, I shouldn't of let go.."

Mitsuri's gaze was Far-off as she stared back into the vivid face of [F/N] appearing in her mind. The blank eyes so dull like she was nothing more than a caricature of her true self, The tried and true smile, The angle of her nose and the dimensions of her face.

All of it she tried so hard to cling onto. Grasping desperately at the memory, Begging with whatever god was up there. Pleading with whatever was listening that she wouldn't forget her face.

Yet as she continued to imagine her face, It faded further and further away from her grasp. Already blurring into a distant memory along with the warmth of her hand drifting away from her palms.

Iguro looked back at her. His heart felt like it was twisting and turning inside him, Hurting at the sight of the woman he held so close to it.

The new information felt so unsolved in his mind, He doubted it. Yet the raw grief that was coming from Mitsuri in front of him made it seem so real. Yet, He needed to question it once more.

Though before he could, He felt a small tap on his shoulder. Looking up only to come face to face with Shinobu.

"Iguro-san.. I think you should go wait outside." Shinobu said. Her voice suddenly serious, A side of which was barely shown through her friendly disguise.

He looked back at her and she stared back down at him with an unwavering gaze.

Iguro nodded slowly before getting up from his kneeling position. As he quietly moved out of the room he took only a single glance back at the two of them, All before opening the door and exiting the room.

As soon as the door slid shut Shinobu made her move, Head turning towards Mitsuri who looked up at her with the gaze of a wounded animal.

"Mitsuri-san.. These are massive claims, I don't mean to be insensitive but could you explain to me what happened? According to reports you were rather hysterical, Both from the handmaiden escorting you out and the various people you asked about [F/N]'s whereabouts." Shinobu asked. Voice levelled and calm, Her friendly self back up with a small smile to contrast her words.

Mitsuri didn't waste anytime for a shaky hand to extend out behind her towards her pillow, Reaching under it she carefully fished out a worn piece of paper. It was folded several times and looked rather worn from first sights.

Shinobu carefully plucked it out of her hands once it was offered. Carefully unfolding the flaps she held it in her hands and started to read.

Mitsuri sat there uncomfortably on the bed despite the mountain of pillows and blankets surrounding her. She had stopped crying at this point but by no means did that make her okay.

Her form was trembling as if she was in the middle of a hailing blizzard. She felt as if she wasn't in her body, Like she was just looking through the vision of someone else entirely while she was just a spectator within her own mind.

Shinobu's glassy eyes scanned over the paper, Carefully reading over every line with upmost delicacy as her gaze descended downwards.

She reached the bottom, The finality of the signature registering in her mind.

Shinobu was quiet.

But after a moment, She let out a single sigh.

"I see.. Well.. That's unfortunate.." Was all she said. She refolded up the paper in her hands and sitting it down on the windowsill.

Suddenly brought back into her own body, Mitsuri's head snapped over to look up at Shinobu. Her mouth going agape along with her eyes as she looked up in disbelief.

"..Is that all you have to say?" Mitsuri asked. [F/N]'s note, Her very last words written down onto a carefully made parchment. The story of her life, The words she could never express to anyone aloud yet scribed down with her entire heart and soul put onto this single letter.

And Shinobu just shook it off, Like it was absolutely nothing.

"Well.. It's an unfortunate turn of events, Taking one's life always is. Though I do have to admit I never saw it coming.." Shinobu said, That same tone of plain apathy dripped off every syllable and hit Mitsuri like acid as she stood up.

"H-How could you?" Mitsuri gawked. Her unstable footsteps numb from hours of not walking as she took a few steps toward Shinobu.

"[F/N] was your friend too.. You're the only other Hashira who ever knew about the truth.. She.. S-She trusted you.." Mitsuri exclaimed, Her previous cries starting to boil and hiss into a rising anger as her face twisted into an ugly expression.

Shinobu's shoulders raised as she looked back at her, The anger on Mitsuri being a completely foreign view. She wasn't even acting like herself anymore, [F/N] really meant that much to her..

"Yes.. She did." Shinobu agreed "I'm not trying to say-"

"You don't need to say anything, Y-You're making it clear enough!" Mitsuri butted in. Her arms raising to hug her self as she feverishly shook her head, Trying to keep herself calm.

"T-This isn't just my fault.. This is yours too. This is everyone's fault.." Mitsuri heaved. Her breathing picked up speed as her overgrown nails dug into her elbows, Backing up a bit as she did.

"Mitsuri-san.. You're not yourself right now, You're still in the grieving process. You don't mean what you're saying.." Shinobu said.

Mitsuri looked back up at her, Sheer rage burning inside her eyes like infernoes

"H-How many of the Hashira actually liked [F/N]..? How many of them insulted her every time she was late to a meeting? How many snide looks.. How many nasty comments, Shinobu? T-Tell me.. How many?" Mitsuri choked out. Shinobu could feel the strain as it did.

"I.. I don't kn-"

"How many?!" Mitsuri yelled, Her voice shaking the very walls of the room she was in. Quickly turning away from Shinobu, Her hands grasped both sides of her head catching strands of messy hair in-between them.

"[F/N] never harboured any true resentment towards anyone! S-She may not of been on time or handled her duties well but she cared for every last one of us, A-And the only thing she got in return was scorn.." Mitsuri at this point broke down into strangled sobs. She hugged herself tighter as Shinobu could only watch her.

"G-Get out.. Y-You did this, We both did.. But.. Y-You don't even care at all…" Mitsuri ordered. Turning her back on Shinobu as she tried to reach out a hand to her.

"Mitsu-"

"GET OUT!" Mitsuri screamed, Turning back to Shinobu with a high-pitched wail as it faded back into soft cries. Mitsuri fell back onto her bed, Pulling her knees up to her chest and pressing her face into them.

Shinobu didn't need to be told twice. She turned her back and walked away towards the door.

However she stopped once her hand gripped onto the handle.

"Mitsuri-san.. Just for the record, I may not show it but I do care for [F/N].. She really was my friend and trusted comrade. I don't mean to be indifferent.. I am not at all.. I.. I really will miss her a lot. Me and the rest of the Hashira may not have favoured her at points, But she was still apart of our ranks and was our comrade.. We.. We all grieve in our own ways.. And I promise you.. One day, We will get vengeance on the demon who did this.. We'll avenge her, I promise you."

That was all Shinobu said. Mitsuri lifted her head from her shins but she couldn't see Shinobu's expression. Her back to hers, Mitsuri could only see her high shoulders shake and the grip on the sliding door tighten.

But it faded almost immediately. Shinobu slid the door open and stepped out.

Closing it over and walking away.

☆♡☆

Heavy yet light footsteps hit the rickety wood in quick succession, Each step taking no time to waste as [F/N] kept running faster and faster along the spiderweb docks.

[F/N] had to plan her movements in advance, The dock was hard to navigate with branches ending at random and others looping straight back around in the opposite direction. If she wasn't careful she could be thrown overboard at any moment, And she didn't want to find out whether the bioluminescent water was safe or not.

It felt like she had been running for hours, The infinite sky showing no sign of an end or exit in sight. But [F/N] knew it had to of only been half an hour or so, Otherwise she would of already collapsed.

Kokushibo was nowhere to be seen. Once [F/N] had taken off running she thought he would be dead on her tail, Chasing her down for even daring to leave whatever he had planned for her.

"My name is Kokushibo.. I hold the highest rank within the twelve moons, Sitting at upperrank one.. Though.. You should be recognising me as Michikatsu Tsugikuni.. Your older brother.."

Was he delusional? Out of his mind? Or could he be manipulating her with some so-crazy-it-works method. Michikatsu Tsugikuni, The name meant absolutely nothing at all. Her older brother he called himself, There was simply no way in hell that could of been true.

He was a centuries old demon, Whatever parents gave birth to him would of died a good long while ago. It was impossible that they could've been related but..

"Impossible, Yes.. I thought the same thing once I saw you again.. You died near enough five hundred years ago yet there you were.. Bleeding out within the rubble of your desecrated shrine.."

Maybe, Just maybe she shared some resemblance to the sister he had as a human. And maybe she shared the same first name as she did. And when he saw said resemblance, Somehow in his mind he had decided that they were the same person and then decided to spare and kidnap her away to this cold hell.

Even then that was baffling on its own.

[F/N] had saw from first hand experience how a demon would rip apart its own siblings, Parents or children just for another meal. Demon's had no sentimental attachment to much of anything, Especially not people.

So why? Why would he do this, Kidnap her away and try to feign an act of familiarity with her? Demons don't do that, They don't think that way. [F/N] swallowed back a lump in her throat.

How much did his sister mean to him? Was she really that important that he would still hold affection towards her?

But either way he wasn't anywhere at all.

No noises, Glimpses or auras. Nothing.

She had no time to dwell on it, She chided herself for getting distracted over a demon. Run now think later. The prospect of escaping whatever pocket dimension she had been siphoned to was vivid in her mind, A yearning feeling brought back to the primal desire for survival as she kept going and going.

Her abdomen hurt too, Every time she moved it felt like a needle jabbing into her side. She tried her best to ignore the pain however, She couldn't let it stop her now, Not since she got this far.

But then it hit her.

Why was she trying so hard to escape?

Her sprint faltered only a little as the thought crossed through her mind. Her lip upturned. Why was she trying so hard?

[F/N] wanted to die. She wanted to find an end for months, To get it over and done with and get out of everyone's way. To stop being such a stain on the Hashira and a burden on the corps. She had no use, No worth or redeemable qualities.

She may of killed a thousand of their kind, She may of been given the title of being the strongest Hashira but that name weighed down on her shoulders like steel blocks.

It wasn't a title, It was an expectation.

And [F/N] couldn't live up to it, She didn't even want to live at all. So why was she running? Why didn't she throw herself into the docks or go back to slaughterhouse behind her? Why was her body so insistent on continuing?

Because.. Because.. She wanted to die, Not be tortured. That's the reason. If she was here then it was obvious she was wanted alive, If she did try to throw herself off then whose to say Kokushibo wouldn't be watching her right now and prevent her from doing so?

If she was here he might be wanting information, The location of the Ubuyashiki estate. This entire 'dead little sister' thing was just a manipulation tactic to get it out of her! And once he realised she wasn't falling for it he'd resort to more violent methods.

Yes, That's the reason.

Turning around another dock and searching for a path she stared out into the open distance of a void. Her heart burned, There had to be an escape. She was so tired, She felt like she was going to collapse any second.

And that's when she saw it.

In the distance, Staring off into the vastness of the void she could make out a vague shape settled amongst the darkness.

Her eyes sparked up, Lit aflame as she spied her saving grace, The light at the end of the tunnel. Something had finally changed after running for so long.

Her pace picked up along with her breathing, Her breaths turning into light wheezes under her normal rhythm as she took far strides.

Sweat beads dripped down from her brow and stained her jinbei, Everything burned. Muscles ached but she kept moving forwards, Kept going faster and faster towards the building in the distance, Getting closer and closer.

Keep going, Almost there.. I can do this- I can escap-!

[F/N] stopped in her tracks.

Her sprint jittered down until she was completely still, Fixed on place to the dock as she stared up towards the building, One now looming over her like a guillotine.

It.. It was her shrine.

Towering over her was the behind of the shrine, The other side from which she came from. The walls, tiles, Wooden frames and the closed shut windows. Her eyes scanned over it in disbelief, The realisation crashing into her.

She had done a full circle, She had just came back from the way she came.

T-This can't be true.. How could this be-!

[F/N] felt her heart fall into her stomach along with her knee's collapsing to the ground, Finally giving out from exhaustion as her eyes were still locked on the shrine.

Her knees hit the wooden docks, Splinters digging into her bare shins as she felt all hope leave her body. She had been running for so long, The docks didn't loop or go in a circle, If it did she would of known. But how was she back here? How?

Heart drumming faster in her chest her head felt light and airy as if she was thousands of feet in the air. Nausea creeping up her throat and unsettling her stomach even more than it already was. As she felt herself fade, She had only one thought.

How.. How is this fair?

☆♡☆

Kokushibo walked slowly down the wooden step-way of the shrine it surrounded.

Taking a few careful steps down the stairway he felt the weight of it depress under him, Reaching the bottom he peered over from the corner he stood next to.

He watched the body of his younger sister collapse onto the dock, Her chest raising and lowering rapidly as if she was starved of air. Her hair was a mess along with her clothing and general appearance.

It was nothing he didn't expect however. He knew she would tire herself out eventually, Run until she couldn't and fall down onto the ground. He knew it would happen, And he couldn't help but feel a sense of catharsis out of it.

He stalked up towards her, All until he was staring down at her defeated form in front of him. Kneeling down with her neck exposed, Easily cut and easy to wring at any given moment.

In any other scenario this would of been a sort of guilty pleasure, The way life was held within his hands felt so electrifying. He never took time on making people grovel before him, He never saw the need to.

He was after strength, To stay eternally strong forever. Not to make insignificant and weak human beings bow down to him.

But he couldn't deny the way he dictated human life with the edge of his blade felt great. And it tasted even better once he bit into their throats, Tearing out their jugular giving them no time to scream as the sweet nectar of their blood hit his tongue.

It was empowering. But, It was different in this scenario.

He didn't feel any sense of power over the girl in front of him, Not the way he usually would anyways. As he looked over her broken form the only thing that he felt was.. Pity.

"Are you done now..? Have you tired yourself out..?" Kokushibo asked in that usual monotone voice. He sounded as if he didn't care, As if his sister lying stray on the dock meant absolutely nothing to him. But he knew that wasn't the case.

[F/N] didn't answer, It seemed as if she had fainted.

Again, It was predictable. She had just woken up after sustaining injury and had used all her energy to try and run away, Only to collapse right back at the place she had tried to escape from.

Kokushibo gritted his teeth slightly. This wasn't how he thought this was going to go.

He assumed that she remembered him. Throughout the time he had taken her, Cared for her wound and nursed her back to health he had heard murmurs from within her sleep. Places, Memories and names only she should of known was what she mumbled in her unconscious state.

He assumed that as soon as she had awoken she would remember him, Feel just as elated as he was at their reunion.

But now he knew that wasn't the case, And if he was being honest? It made him angry.

Kokushibo kneeled down. Reaching his arms out he scooped up her limp body into his arms to settle her within them.

He got up and examined her face, Her eyes and her hair. Every angle and dimension of her face he surveyed left and right. This was her, Everything just lined up too perfectly not to be.

Same name, Same face and Haori. Not to mention that she spoke his name once.

Kokushibo held onto her tighter as he started to walk away with her in his arms. He moved up the stairway careful not to drop her. He moved quickly yet steadily towards the entrance of the shrine.

Entering the building and shutting the door behind him with his foot and made his way up to the second floor where her bedroom was located.

Once he got there he slid open the shoji door, Letting the aquamarine flood the shadows of her room as he walked towards her futon.

Setting her down onto the mattress and tucking her in the duvet with the utmost care, He looked at her once more.

Kokushibo was angry. He truly was livid. The mere fact that she didn't even remember him angered him, Even more so once she called him a monster. He loathed the way he felt his heart wretch in that moment.

Yet he couldn't bring himself to hate her. A part of him wanted to dispose of her, To get rid of her entirely. She was a weakness, Something Kokushibo just could not afford.

But the much larger, Louder part of him detested this with all he had. As the thought of killing her entered his mind he felt disgusted, Horrified at the mere imagining of her being harmed.

She was the only person who ever loved him more than Yorichii. The one person who saw him for himself instead of his brother, She admired him. She loved him. How could he bring himself to hurt her? Kokushibo took in a deep breath, The anger kept at bay as he smiled lightly at her unconscious state.

Even if she didn't remember him, That doesn't mean she won't in due time. The pieces of the puzzle were already there, They were just waiting to be solved is all. Even if she had some 'new life' or whatever may have happened to her. Maybe.. No.. It didn't matter, She was here. That's what mattered.

He breathed out once more. 'Her new life', It felt so wrong as he thought about it. Kokushibo found her as a Hashira of all things, One he had struck down as a man like a god to a heretic.

Gods, He had questions. He had so many questions.

How was she here back with him? How did she become an entirely different person while fighting him? Where did she learn or how would he get her to remember him? Hundreds of questions rushed through his head. Possibilities and chances.

He tucked a small strand of hair behind her ear. He had many questions, And he'll get answers eventually when she was awake.

His little sister was finally brought back to him. The one who died in his arms and the one he would never let go of again. She'll learn to accept her fate here, Understand she has nowhere to run. She'll understand her place was here with him, Her big brother.

He'd crush whatever rebellious phase she was going through, Whatever disobedient little chapter of life she was going through right now. Insulting him, Running away..

He breathed out, Trying to keep away the bloodlust at the thought of her escaping.

She was safe now, And that's all that matters.

Next Chapter

[theoddbun]

THEODDBUN! GIVE US SOME NATALIE (and maybe ingo) LORE AND MY LIFE IS YOURS (I really like the goobies and I wish to know more please)

GOSH OKAY. I’m not really sure where to start, I guess I’ll give some backstory for Natalia? Be warned it is really… Really… Long…

CW for mentions of abuse, self harm, and death!

Natalia was born and raised in Unova. Both of her parents divorced when she was young, her father was the pinnacle of alcoholic douchebag while her mother was now a single mother of two trying to raise 3 children.

As a child Nat was very lonely, being a little girl with undiagnosed neurodivergence made her a target for bullying. She was close with her older siblings, having an age gap with them they took on the caretaker role while their mother was busy with work. But a big turning point for her was when her older brother passed away. It was incredibly difficult for her as he was one of the few people that understood her, and from there things only went downhill.

Everyday was battle of trying to overcome her depression. After her brother passed the bullying she faced only got worse, eventually getting to a point that she would attempt suicide. She felt alone, isolated from the world with no one she could turn to. The only person she was close to wasn’t there anymore, and she pushed away everyone else. But one day during recess, she would come across a small zorua behind the school trash bin. It was cold and shivering and without a mother, which was extremely odd for such a young pup. Natalia could relate to its struggle of loosing someone, and would take it in and care for it, eventually naming the little gal Vixen.

Years would pass and Nat and Vixen were nearly inseparable. The two were like family, always looking out for each other no matter what. Eventually her, her sister and her mother would move to Alola. Despite the bond she’d make with Vixen, the teen angst she felt would still reside within her. This would fully manifest in joining Team Skull.

She thought joining Team Skull would finally give her a place she’d belong, but only found she still felt ostracized among her peers. No one wanted to associate with someone on the verge of tears at any moment, it wasn’t becoming of a team member. But during this time she would still somehow form a romantic relationship with Guzma. In no way was it healthy. She was codependent on him and relied on him for nearly every want and need. She’d cling to him, fearful of being alone.

But after a certain dream something in her would change. She didn’t want this, she was only getting worse. Was this really what her brother would have wanted? So after a stressful time of contemplating she decided to leave Team Skull and break up with Guzma for good.

A little while after leaving, her cousin Shauntal would get back in contact with her. The two were friends as children, but became distant as Natalia grew older and became more jaded. Hearing about Natalia’s situation, she thought what perfect opportunity for her to get a fresh new start than to move to Unova. There her cousin would aid her and encourage her enough to live on her own in a small apartment in Nimbasa City, all while Natalia would gain a tattoo apprenticeship under a tattoo artist there.

Things were finally looking up for Nat, but she was most surprised when she found herself gaining a crush on one of the Subway Bosses of the Battle Subway after doing a Multi Train with her cousin. Little did she know, Ingo had gained feelings for her too. The bigger problem was the two were both incredibly shy when it came to confessions, so it took some effort on their relatives part to get them together. But after months of pining, they would make things official.

Years would go by, and all was going well in Nat’s life for once, completing her apprenticeship and becoming a tattoo artist herself. It was perfect, that was until her father tried to creep his way back in after learning that she moved back to the region. He wasn’t particularly the best father in her youth, the court ordered visits to him during the summer as a teen only caused her stress (the only saving grace being she got to spend time with her cousin). But she was willing to give him a second chance. She was able to change, so why couldn’t he?

But soon she’d learn not everyone was willing to. Her father would demean and degrade her, insulting her casually whenever he got the chance. He was the same as he was when she was a child, but after he latched onto her, she couldn’t shake him off.

What was meant to be a fresh new start only had Natalia tuning back to her same bad habits, isolating herself and even lashing out at the people she loved. She saw herself becoming the same person she was before she had moved there. But this time was different, she knew what was happening, and she knew she could stop it. So out of fear that she’d return to the same person she was, she would abruptly move back to Alola, breaking up with Ingo and leaving him behind in the process.

Still despite the abrupt break up he would promise he would wait for her until she was ready, whenever that would be. 🖤

BUT ILL STOP HERE BECAUSE THIS IS TURNING INTO A NOVEL ATP. But yeah! This is the base of the Natalia (with some Ingo) lore! More stuff happens after this too, but maybe I’ll save that for a different time? Also lots of details I left out in here too. The end of this lore blurp is between the end of BW2 and the beginning of USUM. But if you wanted to hear more I’m always happy to lore dump for her!

[demonslayerdoodles]

Things about Kaori Nakamura 🌸🪻💖

(Btw, most of the time, my things will be in an AU where Kyōjurō is still alive, but sometimes I won’t and I’ll tell you, otherwise Kyojuro’s alive ;3)

- She is 20

- Her birthday is August 16 (same as mine)

- Flower hashira/pillar

- She is EXTREMELY flexible and agile (she works really well with Tengen and Gyomei because they have good strength to throw her)

- Best friends with Mitsuri (FR THESE TWO ARE LIKE SISTERS!!)

- Kyōjurō has been close with Kaori since she became a hashira; first as friends, then close friends, then lovers, then a couple

- She grew up on the mountains with her parents

- Her parents died when she was 7 (death explanation below) which left her with depression

- Kaori was going to have a younger brother before her parents died, so Senjuro really reminds her of that excited feeling of being an older sister and loves him to DEATH

- Kaori doesn’t get along very well with her father in law, only after Kyojuro’s death do they really start to bond (Normally with Kyojuro alive, they don’t get along and that makes Kaori a bit sad)

- She loves sushi, one of her favorites, but both her and Kyōjurō do the cooking since they both like to, so she is happy with whatever he makes, she just enjoys his company

- She is very patient, both VERY introverted when it comes to talking with people when Kyōjurō isn’t around (she comes out a little more when Kyōjurō helps her out)

WARNING: MENTIONS OF SELF HARM‼️

- Her parents were Hiroto and Yui, Yui was a demon slayer, but when her husband was turned into a demon while she was pregnant, she killed him, leading her to kill herself (Kaori was 7 at the time and saw it happen)

- Has a lot of self-harm cuts on her arms, on her thighs (just enough to be covered by her skirt), and a few on her torso (Made sure to do them where they are easy to hide)

- Has depression and suicidal thoughts (dealt with those things myself before :,3)

[hysteriamodes]

The thing with the Alice x Bumby ship and people who support it not only don't understand the ramifications of what Bumby did to Alice and that it's pretty obvious he was continuing with his obsession with Lizzie.

Alice looks very much like her older sister and shares personality traits with Lizzie. So Alice would have ended up the same as Lizzie, assaulted and murdered. Because in terms of the type of serial offender Bumby is, the likelihood of him repeating the same crime was extremely high.

But also they don't understand that Bumby was not only targeting Alice but children, something that you can see in actual, real-life serial offenders like the Golden State Killer, Ted Bundy, or even Richard Ramirez. These were sexual sadists, Bumby is also a sexual sadist. Not to mention, Bundy worked in a suicide prevention call center so I don't know how you cannot draw the comparison.

So, I have had the term "anti" thrown at me, and normally, genuinely, I'm of the mind "I don't like this ship, so I'm not going to read it" because policing people over fictional ships is a waste of time. And I'll be the first to admit I especially hate this ship because I HAD several Bumbys in my life. I was sexually abused as a little girl, so I especially hate this character. And we do have several CSA survivors in fandom, they have had the same feelings. If you're writing a ship that mirrors our trauma, yeah, it's gonna piss people off. But I'm not gonna be mad enough to throw out death threats.

However.

And this is a big HOWEVER.

Largely, the biggest reason as to why I don't like it because anyone who dabbles in this ship cannot manage to keep it IC (in character). They fundamentally don't understand Alice's characterization:

1. Alice is an extremely guarded individual, literally anyone around her treats her like a burden, object, or belittle her sense of being.

2. It's highly unlikely Alice is going to romantically gush over someone, much less someone she put into a position of a mentor, so the swooning doesn't make any sense to me. If you're writing Alice in a romantic relationship, you have to keep in mind that it probably took a WHILE. When I write Alice in romantic relationships, it's a slow burn build up.

3. She likely is very reluctant to share the burden of her mental illness (unless slow burn, see above), so, again, Alice is not going to be the how to open up to people so easily.

4. Alice is extremely independent, most times. You can see she'd rather do it herself, without help unless it's a necessity, and she puts more trust in herself than in people. So, it wouldn't make sense for Alice to open up to Bumby, a doctor, outside of a patient.

And like. These shippers tend to "woobify" Bumby. He's not gonna be chivalrous.

1.He's a sociopath, so his empathy is non-existent. He didn't see Lizzie as a person, he saw her as an object he was entitled to.

2. He showed little regard to Mr. Liddell, his superior, someone he kept going to see, as his mentor. He exploited that dynamic only on the account of Lizzie.

3. The man has a superiority complex, so he won't see anyone as his equal. His ego was too big and he was so full of himself and he underestimated Alice (like everyone else) and doesn't care for her, at all.

So, every time I see this ship pop up, these characters are so woefully OOC (out of character) and that shows me you didn't understand the source material.

If you're into a dark ship, that's fine, but you're essentially re-writing characters so far from the original source material that they may as well be your own characters. You can find a dark ship with Alice, but pick someone better than Bumby. Like, guys, Bumby would have done the same thing he did to Lizzie to Alice and Alice found out at the last minute before he had the chance.

Just saying as an Alice RPer.

[princelylove]

Your Prince, I do believe there is no statement on what your highness prefers for flavour! Do you prefer a sweet, savoury, or spicy snack? I find myself leaning heavily to sweets, or extreme spice.

I also wanted request: can we please to hear your thoughts on how Narancia may feel about a feminine reader that doesn’t play into their gender role well? I saw in a previous post your highness sees him as a bit sexist (and I loved it). Terrible cook, doesn’t clean up the apartment while he’s gone, responds with the same annoyed deadpan he gives when he demands something. I find myself on the “stir the pot until it gets you kicked out or killed” end of suicidal; it’s fun to annoy people.

I hope this doesn’t break your rules about specific readers, but I’d like to hear your thoughts! Thank you

Mmm.... well, it depends. If you're having dinner, you want something savory. If it's during the day, spicy, because I adore salads with a bit of a kick to them. But, other than that, sweet. All of my favorite foods are. Rice pudding with either cinnamon powder, pistachios, or coconut shreds in them, dates, more I can't think of at the moment..... my heart belongs to sweet things.

My rules are kind of iffy because if something interests me enough I will abandon my morals to talk about it. Sometimes it's just factual that a character has a sister/mother complex and I feel like it's doing an injustice if I don't write the character's psychology accurately, regardless of how much I don't want my page to be ridden with emotional incest even as a background not the main topic thing. So it really depends on my mood. Just develop a gambling addiction if you're going to be a consistent anon of mine, it'll help you cope with me choosing to answer something one day and then declining the same thing another time.

Narancia may just not fall for someone that isn't feminine. He's not a "oh the potential" guy, he's an "I'm seeing this and I like it and it's mine now" kind of guy. The only case where he might like someone that isn't feminine leaning is if he can sexualize them in some way, like how there's a whole trope of "tomboy but hot" in a lot of older movies.

Buuut, someone who is feminine but not playing into gender roles is different. As long as you look good, Narancia could fall for you, regardless of your behavior.

Narancia lives by his favorite artist's words of wisdom, the prettiest bitches are the most scandalous hoes. Pretty women are just like that. His type of woman can be as bratty as she wants to be, as long as she's hot. He thinks he's just doing something wrong and that's why you're acting extra crazy. Going to grumble to himself about how frustrating bitches are and keep trying, no matter what. As long as you're not pushing him away, anyway. Then he crashes out and kills you. Who said that?

Initially it honestly agitates him. He can't understand what the hell he's doing that's pissing his bitch off this bad. Women are too complicated, they say one thing and then really mean twenty other things. He may snap at his darling here and there, but he's stubborn. He's not going to just give up because you're frustrating, he's a man about his problems, he's not a quitter.

Women, they, uhh, you can break one if you're not careful. They're sensitive, you know? Maybe he broke you and didn't realize it, that's why you give him that dead fish stare when he wants a kiss goodnight. He'll try to make you feel better with physical affection. A hug, cuddling, rubbing your hands and praying you didn't just get the ick and want to leave him....

The whole not cooking thing is definitely one of two things. One, you can't cook and you're embarrassed about it. Two, you just don't know what he likes and you're too shy to ask! Or, you're too shy to ask for ingredients in general. That's three things. He can count. He has no problem going on a little shopping trip if you write down what you want, you know...

Narancia... his basis for how women act is his mother, and girl magazines. Women are either delicate, not really fully there, in need of a provider, or a playmate. He typically goes for someone in the second category, but if he caught you and you're broken, he was obviously wrong. Don't worry, though! Narancia would never abandon his darling because they're got some stuff going on. Difficult or not, he wants to love you, and surprisingly has the patience to not take it personally if you're despondent. Only if you're despondent, though. Aggressive types make him anxious and more aggressive- Narancia's first instinct isn't violence, it's verbal aggression. He'll only hit you if you hit him first.

You know, Narancia may be stupid, but he's not entirely moronic. He can tell if you're acting out for attention because he does it all the time. It may take him a little while, but eventually, it'll click. Maybe you've stirred the pot for no reason too many times this week. Maybe Pannacotta made some offhanded, bitter comment that changed his perspective. Who knows. He's a weird guy. Once Narancia convinces himself you're doing this all for attention, he just doubles down on his love. He'll cook, albeit terribly. He'll be home a lot more- as much as he can, comes straight home after his 'business' he had to 'deal with.' He'll make chores a two-man job. You want attention, your needs aren't being met, he understands that. He's been there. He's just like you. He was you, once. Isn't that the best feeling in the world, to understand someone entirely like that?

Honestly there's no other reason you'd behave like that. It clicks, you know? You've been doing all of this because something in your head is telling you that he doesn't love you, you're insecure- he knows how that works! He can fix that! Well. He can't fix it immediately, but he's willing to prove how serious he is about you. Then you'll act right. That totally makes a ton of sense!

If you're not acting right after a little while, he just thinks he still hasn't proven himself to you yet. It's a process. He can learn to be patient about it, no matter how much you denying him makes him want to rip your nails out. It'll happen. Women are just crazy sometimes. Aren't there meds for that?

[todayisdeadinside]

Larry Stylinson Fic Recs

I have fics I've read recently that I'm obsessed with, and feel like sharing, so I'm dumping them here in a semi-organized fashion. I'll probably do one of these every few weeks/months as I read more and find more I want to recommend.

Many of these are older! From 2012-2015 mainly, because I feel like those don't get enough love nowadays despite being amazing quality.

Section 1: General Recs

Hiding Place - Orphan Author

This is my all-time biggest rec ever. It's extremely canon-compliant (with links to individual tweets and interviews in the fic), soulmate tattoos AU, longfic, and it has a happy ending. It's what solidly hooked me into the fandom.

Section 2: Oblivious Idiots

Fics where Harry and Louis kiss, romance, date, get off, ect before realizing they like each other. Can you tell this is my favourite trope?

Play The Odds - alivingfire

Harry and Louis drunkenly make a bet to prove who's the better kisser, challenging each other to kiss 1000 times. They finally figure out their feelings close to the end of the bet.

Metaphysical Gravity - colazitron

Harry and Louis kiss during a round of spin the bottle, except they get a little too into it.

Play a Chord - spibsy

Having a weekend free of band obligations, Harry and Louis mess around their flat as usual. Except, they start kissing, and it surprisingly doesn't change much. (This is a personal fave of mine, I reread it regularly)

I Don't Know About You, But I Know About Me - Orphan Author

Harry and Louis start arguing about whose better at what, and it turns into an argument of who's the better kisser. They get... extremely carried away.

The Hunger In My Heart - Orphan Author

Harry and Louis dance around each other during the X-Factor before kissing completely on accident, and then poorly hide their relationship from the others.

When I Feel That Something - dvp_95

Harry and Louis are a duo act on the X-Factor, and everyone assumes they're dating before they actually are. Featuring asexual-spec Louis.

All The Kids at School - LikeYouAreInLove

Harry and Louis get voted the hottest couple in school... except they aren't a couple? Yet.

Section 3: OT5 Slash (Larry-centric)

Slippage - Orphan Author

Harry and Louis have sex in front of the other band members. I believe this is part of a series too, the next part includes more active OT5 rather than just exhibitionist Larry.

Like Every Party is Just Us (Five)

Harry asks Louis to set up an OT5 gangbang for his birthday. It goes well.

To Be The Friction in Your Jeans - Orphan Author

Harry really wants him and Louis to have sex in front of the other band members, and eventually Louis lets it happen, and it gets out of hand.

Section 4: Cozy AUs

Bookstores, colleges, any sort of cozy AU that's all fluff and young love.

Anonymous Said - alivingfire

Louis runs a tumblr account that Harry anonymously messages for weeks, until they meet (unknowingly) in a real-world bookstore and piece things together.

Open Arms - colazitron

Louis spends Christmas at Harry's place with all of his sisters, and they fall for each other.

Took My Heart Upon a One Way Trip - alwayslouis

A fluff-filled bookstore AU featuring lots of flirting, a poetry assignment, and even more flirting. The banter in this one is hilarious.

Oh We're In Love Aren't We - delsicle

University AU where Harry moves into the apartment above Louis' workplace, and they slowly become features in each other's lives. Featuring trans ftm Harry, and an emotional coming out to Louis.

Section 5: Mental Illness AUs

At Least We're Breathing - JamieJam93

The boys are all in a mental institution for various problems, Harry's being attempted suicide. It mainly follows his POV as him, Louis, and their friends learn to heal with the help of love. Truly a love heals all AU. (Another one of my personal faves)

Could Be Blue, Could Be Grey - nightwideopen

Louis has DID, and his neighbor Harry is surprisingly accepting of it even before either of them know. Warning! This is an old fic from 2015 and the depiction of DID treatment, particularly "killing off personalities" is inaccurate and may be triggering to read. The fic itself, love story wise, is pretty good, but be warned the DID rep is not 100% accurate.