#and my dad doesn’t drink white wine and my brother hates wine period

[barbreypilled]

trying to hack my sleep schedule so I don’t go to bed insanely early and wake up at 1 am unable to go back to sleep so I’m drinking a tiny wine

[all-the-love-harold]

Chapter 2 - I’m Having your Baby

Master Post 

Word Count:  3.6k 

Warnings: None

***

December 21st 2019

Poppy was late. 3 days late. Or maybe it was 4. She couldn’t quite remember, but she knew that she was late. She also knew that she was stressed with Christmas coming up, and that when she got stressed her period tended to stay away for a while, so she wasn’t getting her hopes up. Nonetheless, when she was out getting herself and Harry a coffee she ducked into the pharmacy nearby and bought a few home pregnancy tests, just to be sure. She was in no rush to take them though and if she was honest, she didn’t really have a spare second to think about it once she got home. Between making sure Oli got his lunch and preparing things for his 2nd birthday party which they were crazy enough to be having just three days before Christmas. Oh and did she mention that her and Harry were hosting Christmas lunch this year for his family AND hers. 

The pregnancy test crossed her mind again when she was giving Oli his bath that night and Oli picked up his doll that they kept as a bath toy. 

“Bubba” he said, dunking it’s head in the water “wash hair bubba” 

Poppy couldn’t help but giggle “You’re gonna a great big brother buddy.”

She was glad that he was too young to really understand what that meant, if he was any older she’d be getting a thousand questions about a baby she doesn’t even know that she had yet. 

“Pop, I’m going to pick up your family from the airport now” Harry called from downstairs “Need anything while I’m out?” 

“No, we’re all good H, good luck” Poppy called back “Love you” 

“Love you too” he said and she heard the door shut behind him. 

“Alright Ol, let’s hop out now, get you dressed” 

“Love you Mum” he smiled up at her as she helped him to stand up and wrapped his tiny toddler towel around him. Her heart melted and she placed a gentle kiss on his head. 

“I love you too Oli.” 

She helped him to get dressed into his pyjamas, encouraged him to use the toilet (he wasn’t quite ready to be out of nappies yet, but he was getting close) and brushed his hair so that he was all ready for bed. Since dropping his afternoon nap, it had been much easier to get him to sleep at night, which Harry and Poppy were both pleased about. 

“Right” Poppy said to Oli once he was all tucked up in bed “Have you got Itchy?” 

He nodded holding on tightly to his toy. 

“And Pippy?” she asked and he pulled his dummy out of his mouth, showed it to her and put it back

“And a big kiss from mummy” she kissed his forehead and pulled the side of the cot up so that he couldn’t perform some kind of gymnastics and escape from his bed in the middle of the night. 

“Sleep tight my big boy” 

“Night night Mum” he said as Poppy closed the door to his bedroom. 

She went straight to the bathroom and pulled out the pregnancy test, feeling more broody than ever knowing that her first baby turns two tomorrow. She remembered what it had been like taking the test when she thought she was having Oli, she was scared then because she wasn’t sure that she was ready to be a mum and now she was scared because she wasn’t sure she could face not becoming a mum again. Her heart pounded as she waited for the results to show. 3 minutes had never felt so long. 

“Poppy, dear - we’re here” she heard the sound of her mother’s voice walking in the front door. 

“Shit” she whispered to herself as she left the bathroom, making sure to close the door behind her. She made a mental note to come back to it as soon as she could but she couldn’t leave her family waiting, not after they’d been on a twenty four hour flight. 

“Hi Mum, Hi Dad” she said, half running down the stairs to give them a hug “Good flight?” 

“Awful” her dad, John, shook his head “Can’t smoke on planes these days, did you know that?” he began pulling a packet of cigarettes from his pocket 

“Can’t smoke in my house either Dad” Poppy said sternly “Follow the stairs all the way up and you’ll find a garden and be quiet, Oli’s just gone to bed”

“It’s freezing out there Pop” he huffed but started climbing the stairs anyway.

“Don’t I get a hello?” Her sister Addison said from next to Harry. 

“Of course you do” Poppy side stepped her mum and wrapped her sister in the biggest hug of them all  “God you’re getting so adult, can you stop please?” 

“I’m as old as you were when you moved here” Addie added “And I still live with mum dad” 

“It’s much cheaper that way” Poppy smiled 

“Yeah, you spent so much money in that first year didn’t you love” Harry said sarcastically 

“Enough outta you” Poppy squeezed his cheek making him giggle. 

“Can I get anyone tea or coffee or anything?”  Harry asked trying to get them all out of the entryway

“I’d love to see my grandson” Linda said, turning towards the stairs 

“I’ve just put him to bed Mum, you’ll see him in the morning, he’ll be up bright and early” 

“Right, well in that case, I’d love a glass of wine” she smiled at Harry. 

“Of course” Harry nodded tentatively, not entirely sure he had any wine to give her “Addie, wine? Tea?” 

Addie shook her head “No thanks Harry” 

“Vodka?” he asked

“I’m fine” she giggled, although a shot or two of vodka was temping after being on a plane with her parents for 24 hours. 

“I’ll show you both around while Harry does that” Poppy added and started going upstairs. Linda and Addie followed, with their bags still in their hands. 

“Leave those” Poppy said “Your rooms are downstairs anyway”

They dropped the bags and followed Poppy. A grimace already evident on Linda’s face 

“So this is mine and Harry’s room” she said when they got upstairs pointing to their bedroom door “It’s a mess so we won’t go in there” 

“Never have been able to keep your room clean have you Poppy” Linda added, peering in anyway 

“It’s so nice to have you here Mum” Poppy said, unable to hold her tongue. “And that room there is Oli’s so let’s be a little quiet”

“Is he a good sleeper” Addie asked. She knew a lot about babies, she worked in a nursery back home, very similar to the one Oli goes to. 

“He’s been much better since we stopped the day sleep” 

“His teachers must hate that” she laughed 

“They don’t seem to mind” Poppy shrugged and continued the tour down the hallway towards the next staircase

“This is where Harry’s mum sleeps when she stays, so we’re keeping that for her and you guys will all be downstairs 

“How many bedrooms is this place?” Linda asked, looking up the staircase

“6 or 7” Poppy said “That’s Harry’s office up there and there’s a studio downstairs, but he never uses it” 

“I accidentally told him I loved the album like 6 times on the way here” Addie giggled “he probably thinks I’m weirdly into him”

“He wouldn’t think that much of it Addie” Poppy smiled “Shall we go downstairs?” 

“Shouldn’t we go up?” Linda asked 

“We can” Poppy nodded “There’s not much to see up there though, it’s just a desk and the garden which I’ll show you in the morning” 

“Oh alright” Linda sighed and turned around on her heel with a huff in her breath . Poppy was starting to remember exactly why she’s decided to move to the other side of the world at just 18. It wasn’t that she didn’t love her mother, she just found her selfishness intolerable. 

“Not giving a tour without me are you Pop?” John bellowed as he walked down the stairs, lips blue from the cold. 

“There’s not much to see dear, just a few oversized bedrooms” Linda drew her lips into a sharp line “That haven’t been cleaned. You know with Harry’s salary you could afford a cleaner”

Poppy and Addie shared a knowing look and Addie turned away from her parents and walked down the hallway towards the stairs. 

“I’m going to find that vodka Harry mentioned” she called, waving her hand for them to follow. And they did, without saying a word. Poppy had always admired how easily Addie could read people and turn a situation around in seconds without offending anyone and she smiled to herself because that hadn’t changed. 

In the Kitchen, Harry had two glasses of red wine sitting on the bench waiting for them and he had his head stuck in the fridge searching for something that seemed to be buried in the depths. 

“What are you looking for H?” Poppy said as she made herself comfortable on one of the bar stools. 

“All that cheese we bought the other day,” he said, head still in the fridge “and the dip”

“That’s in the butler’s fridge” she said quietly, suddenly realising that somehow she was living a life very different from the she left behind. 

“You have a butler?” Addie said, shocked “and he has his own fridge?” 

“No” Poppy laughed “there’s a mini kitchen in that little room over there” she pointed to the door that harry was opening “they call it a butler’s pantry, so we call the fridge the butlers fridge” 

“Oh Harry you’ll have to get me something else, I don’t drink red wine” Linda said before Addie had the chance to respond to Poppy. 

Harry, who was safley hidden away in the butlers pantry rolled his eyes and took a deep breath. If this was how he felt after an hour with Poppy’s family, how was he going to spend a whole two weeks with them. He did, however, take comfort in knowing that Poppy was feeling the same way. 

“I want to tip the wine over her head” Poppy whispered walking into the pantry with the glass in her hand. Harry took the glass, put it on the bench next to him and wrapped his arms around Poppy. 

“We could probably survive off the food in here for the next two weeks if you want to lock the door?” he whispered back

“Believe me, if I could I would” Poppy said with her head still pressed against his chest. He placed a kiss on the top of her head and pulled away from the hug. 

“Guess I’ll go pull some white wine out of my ass then” he said, only half joking. 

“There’s some in the bar fridge in your man cave, I think sarah left it here” she called after him as he walked out again. 

The rest of the evening passed by slowly, Addie, John and Linda filled Poppy and Harry in on what was going on back in Australia, it was nothing to really write home about, just the usual kinds of things that happen in a tiny coastal town, known for being home to quite a few Great White Sharks, that somehow never made an appearance on the beaches. Poppy was not at all surprised by her Mother’s lack of interest in anything about her life in London, if it wasn’t for Addie, all they would have talked about would be when Poppy was going to move back home again. She always thought that would happen when she had children, she wanted them to have the childhood that she did, but now that she’s here in London with Oli she couldn’t imagine anything else for him, because their life was here, with Harry. Linda thought that was ludicrous though and with every opportunity, she found a reason to tell Poppy that a child shouldn’t grow up in a city, especially a city without a beach. But, just like she had upstairs, Addie managed to turn the conversation around every time without offending anyone, until she mentioned the possibility of moving to London too. 

“There’s plenty of spare rooms here Addie” Harry said to her before linda could shut her down “We’d love to have you” 

“I might just not leave” she laughed and stood up from the table “I am going to go to bed though” 

“I’ll show you to your room” Poppy stood up too and chauffeured her out of the room towards the living room, which lead onto the bedrooms.  

“You’re in this one Addie, and Mum and Dad are next door” 

“Thanks Pop” she smiled “I’m not joking about moving to London, I’ve been thinking about it for a while now” 

Poppy hugged her “Like Harry said, you’re always welcome here, this room can be all yours”

“Was this your room when you first arrived?” 

Poppy shook her head “No I was always upstairs, in Oli’s room” 

“Right next door to Harry” Addie giggled “makes sense” 

“Good night Addie” Poppy said, putting an end to that conversation before it even started. 

Poppy didn’t go back into the kitchen, she slipped straight into her bedroom and into bed. Who knew working full time and being a mother would be so exhausting. Her heavy eyes fell closed and she only stirred when Harry came into the room an hour later and wrapped his arms around her.

December 22nd 2019

Poppy rolled over in her bed, exposing her upper arm to the cold morning air and saw that Harry was still fast asleep next to her. She reached for her phone to check the time, wondering why she’d not yet been woken by Oli’s cries to be taken out of the crib.

7:03. He was usually awake by now, but she shrugged it off, because he did go to sleep late last night and rolled back over to face Harry, placing a kiss on the tip of his nose to wake him. He blinked a few times and scrunched up his face as she giggled

“Morning love” he smiled, finally opening his eyes and wrapping his arms around her “Oli not up yet?”

“Nope” she emphasized the end of the word, burying her head in his chest “either that or my mother got up to him” 

Harry scoffed “Seems unlikely, your sister, maybe” 

“That sounds more possible” 

He let a content sigh “This time two years ago, we were sitting in that hospital room, waiting for him to arrive”

Poppy sat up “Harry, today’s his second birthday”

He furrowed his brow at her “Yeah” he said, sounding confused “I was just sayin’ that”

“And we haven’t heard a thing from Danny”

The realisation dawned on him and a huge smile spread across his face “We haven’t heard anything from Danny- shit Pop I can adopt him”

“You can adopt him H” she smiled kissing his puffy morning lips “You’ll have to give the lawyers a call tomorrow, but it should be a pretty simple process, they should still have all the paperwork we filled out before the hearing, we’ll just have to sign it”

“Easy” he kissed her again “He could be mine by Christmas”

“I doubt it, red tape takes time and there’s only three days to go” she heard the faint sounds of Oli stirring next door “I’ll go” she smiled, throwing the blankets off and shivering at the cold December air. She wrapped her big fluffy dressing gown around her and walked out of the room to go and get Oli out of bed, leaving Harry there, smile spread across his face.

“Happy Birthday big boy” she said walking into his room

“Mumma” he smiled at her throwing his dummy out of the cot “Pippy” he tried to reach for the dummy that was now on the floor.

“Pippy’s on the ground bub”she leaned down and picked it up “mummy get it for you”

“Ta” he took it from her and stuck it back in his mouth.

Poppy reached into the cot and unzipped his sleeping bag as she picked him up “Where’s itchy?” she said.  Oli had become quite attached to it when they took him on tour with Harry last year and after seeing Mitch playing the guitar at one of the shows he’d started calling it ‘itchy’ unable to say the ‘m’ sound in his name, and he couldn’t go anywhere without it.

“Itchy’s gone mum” he frowned shrugging his shoulders and looked around the room.

“He can’t be gone bub” Poppy giggled searching behind the cot and spotted him on the floor behind it “there he is! He’s hiding from you Oli” she put him down and moved the cot out from the wall, so she could lean down and pick the toy up. “Silly itchy” she said handing it to him.

“itchy silly mummy” he giggled giving the toy a big cuddle

“Shall we go see Daddy?” she ruffled his hair

“Yeah” he said, nodding his head

“Come on then” she walked out of the room and he followed her.

“DADDY!” he burst into their bedroom and climbed into the bed next to harry.

“There’s my big two-year-old!” Harry said, and Oli snuggled into his side “Happy birthday little man” he kissed the top of his head. Poppy stood in the doorway watching their interaction, heart filled with more love than she’d ever thought possible.

Oli handed Harry itchy “Daddy, itchy hiding”

Harry furrowed his brow “Was itchy hiding from you bub?” he chuckled, turning to look at Poppy “what’s mummy doing all the way over there?” he asked, “There’s room for one more in here”

“Why don’t we all go downstairs for some breakfast, Mummy’s hungry”

“Breakfast!” Oli nodded and jumped down from the bed, toddling out of the room and downstairs. She followed him closely behind, making sure he didn’t slip and helped him into his high chair.

“What would you like today birthday boy?”

“Toast” he said enthusiastically, which made Poppy and Harry both giggle 

“Daddy can make you pancakes if you want little man?” Harry offered, searching the pantry for all the ingredients

“No, toast” he nodded

“Fine” Harry huffed pulling the jar of strawberry jam from the shelf in front of him “Jam toast it is”

“No Daddy, Mite toast”

Poppy giggled to herself, handing Harry the Jar of vegemite “the kid knows what he wants”

“You’re a bad influence on him,” he said, putting a piece of bread in the toaster, shaking his head at her

“I’ll do this” Poppy said, taking the butter knife off him “you go get the presents”

He placed a kiss on her cheek and walked off, upstairs to get Oli’s birthday presents. Once the toast was ready she spread the vegemite lightly across its surface and cut it into four triangles, placing it onto a Winnie the Pooh plate that Grimmers had given them when he first started eating solids.

“Vegemite toast for the Birthday boy” Poppy smiled, pinching his cheeks as she laid the plate in front of him.

“Thanks Mumma” he smiled. 

“Good Morning” Linda yawned, walking into the kitchen in a very light cotton dressing gown “It’s freezing here” 

“It’s London” Poppy admitted “I’ve turned the heating on” 

“Good” Linda smiled “Now where’s my grandson” 

“He’s eating his birthday breakfast” Poppy said excitedly while pointing to the high chair “Oli, say hi to nanna” 

She wasn’t quite sure how he would react to linda, he’d really only met her through facetime and part of her was convinced that he thought she was just the lady that existed in the phone. He turned in his high chair and looked at Linda. He was puzzled at first but his expression soon changed and a big toothy smile grew on his face. 

“Nanna” he said, taking a bite of his toast. 

“Hi Big Boy” Linda smiled back, placing a big sloppy kiss on his cheek “Happy Birthday” 

“Do you want anything Mum? Tea, Coffee, Breakfast?” 

“I wouldn’t mind a tea and some eggs” she said and sat down next to Oli. “Is that vegemite you’ve got there?” she said to him 

“Mite” he smiled and held the toast up to her 

“You’re a real little Aussie then, just have to get your mum to bring you home”

Poppy filled a pot with water and put it on the stove so that she could poach some eggs for everyone when they eventually woke up  and she heard her phone ringing on the bench behind her. Seeing Harry’s name on the screen, she answered it, confused.

“Did you forget where we hid the presents?” she giggled into the phone as Oli sat in his high chair giggling away at Linda as she pulled faces at him.

“No” he said flatly “Can you come here for a sec, need your help with the big one”

“I think it’s time you started those personal training sessions again then Styles” Poppy said standing up from her chair “I’ll be right up” she hung up the phone and turned to Linda and Oli

“Oli, Mummy’s just going to help daddy for a few minutes, I’ll be right back” she kissed his head and walked upstairs into her bedroom where she found Harry standing in the bathroom doorway holding what like a pregnancy test.

“What’s this love?” he asked, handing it to her

“Shit” she said, not looking at it “I took this last night and left it to do it’s thing when you got home from the airport and I kinda forgot about it with all the chaos”

“It’s positive love”

Poppy turned it over in her hand and saw the same two blue lines that she’d seen almost three years ago when she found out she was having Oli, and a few tears formed in her eyes as she looked up at Harry “It’s positive H”

He wrapped his arms around her, bringing her in close to his chest, “We’re having a baby Poppy.”

[wakandascrystal]

ᴅɪꜱᴛʀᴇꜱꜱ

Summary: Erik never lets you in. You try to be patient but it becomes too late when you fall for him.

Angst and smut themes

…….

It was a Wednesday evening and Erik just got home. The apartment smelled like your cooking and he loved it. He was getting out of his work clothes upstairs and getting ready for dinner.

“What you got cooking ?“ He hugged you from the back; engulfing your body and placing a light kiss on your neck.

“I’m making chicken curry“ You scoped up a bit of the soup and turned to feed him.

“Taste.“ He opened his mouth and accepted the warm and spicy contents. He gave you another kiss confirming your amazing cooking skills.

“You stay put your foot in these meals your cooking.“

“What can I say my mom raised a bad bitch.“ You turned the stove off and dished up two servings. Erik’s plate was much larger than yours. The man was a true eater. He could eat to full Macdonald’s meal and still be ready for more. His metabolism was crazy and your job was to keep it on its toes.

After dinner, you watched some tv. He sat next to you under a warm blanket as you watched an episode of a Telenovela. He loved that shit. Although he would never admit it to his boys. He was a die-hard fan.

“Look at Envo, playing Isabella. He knows that bitch don’t deserve that type of treatment. The girl just found out her half-sister and mother plotted to take out her pops. Now he fucks her best friends….“ He took a sip of his bottled water “…I don’t care how thick that bitch is man..” He whispered that last part then turned to you. You were staring into space. Your eyes fixed on nothing. You looked deep in thought.

“Baby you listening?“ You snapped out of your trance when he pulled you closer to him.

“….mmh..yeah…yeah the …friend and sister.“ Your left eye twitched. He knew you were lying.

He smacked his lips.

“You want to try that again.“

“I’m sorry E. I’m just really drained. I think I should go lay down“

“Okay then let’s go sleep them..“

“No! Stay and watch this till it ends I don’t want to interrupt you.“ You pleaded

“Nah. It won’t be any fun watching it without you.“

And you went to bed. Your body close to his until your lids closed shut.

                      ………………………………………

“I bet you 10k that you won’t grow your hair out. Don’t lie to yourself. You know damn well that Corporation you work at won’t let a nigga come in with nigga’s hair. Correct me if I’m wrong?“

“Look at him. He knows you right“ Erik said?

“Well, Mr my brother is a king….“

“It’s my cousin..“ Erik corrected.

That was Kookie and Titi - Erik’s childhood friends. They had come over for a little get together you and Erik were hosting. They were not alone. They had brought over their girlfriends or “situations”…at this point, you didn’t know. Their names were Kiara and Adriana, nevertheless, they were sweet girls and you welcomed them with open arms. They helped with food preparation and the making of the drinks and you started to fall in love with them.

“So you met Kookie where… Adriana ?“ You asked again with a playful tone. yall were away from the guys so you could gossip properly.

“He works with my father. I took one look at that nigga and I heard God speak to me-“ Kiara took a deep dramatic sigh “Adriana, here we go again“

“What? she did!“ Adriana said.

“She ?“ You questioned

“Yes honey God is a black woman and when I saw that 6-foot nigga in a clean-cut black suit …walking out of a meeting with my dad …I felt my walls-”

Kiana stops her from carrying on.

“That’s it! If we don’t change the subject I’m going to need something stronger than this.“ She tapped her wine glass. You let out a light laugh

“What about you how did you met Erik.“ You weren’t expecting them to ask so it caught you off guard.

“Oh …ah Yeah Erik and I met at University…but briefly. We would pass each other in the halls or whatever. Then we graduated and then next thing I heard was he was drafted, he moved up and joined some super-secret parts of the military that he can’t even tell me about to this day.- “

“Like Seal team 6 and shit “ Adriana probed

“- I’m not sure but we never even spoken to each other at that point…..to put it lightly I wasn’t exactly Eriks type.- “

“So it was one-sided. You liked him and he didn’t like you.“ Kiana added

“Well at the time yeah. Every girl on campus loved him but I heard he had a girl and she was killed by some craze White South African guy and some other super crazy shit happened in Africa ….that I still might not believe happened but we met again when he and his cousin made an outreach program centre. They reached out to me to be the resident phycologist. I talk to the kids there …just work with them. “ You hoped that mess of a story made sense to them. They didn’t care about the other stuff they just cared that you and Erik were close stranges and now you were dating.

“Yeah it’s crazy ..we talk about that all the time“

“aww, its like fate was there the whole time.“ Adriana said and Kiana cringed a bit.

later that night all 6 of you sat around the living room drinking and talking. yall talked about your love life and the people yall hated. Yall talked about the current political events and Normani’s video but you could keep eye contact with Erik when the conversation shifted to sex.

You were going through something you couldn’t tell Erik cause you were scared it would insult him. You went cumming and you knew it had nothing to do with Erik cause even alone you cumming.

It was frustrating you and you knew exactly why you weren’t finishing. You were starting to fall in love with him and you were scared.

You didn’t Know him probably. You knew a little about his past and he wasn’t really giving with the information you craved. He was very friendly and supportive but in order to have a life with him, you needed to know more about him. That was too late you had fallen…hard.

You first noticed when a bank teller was flirting with Erik and you cut her off. For those few minutes, you told her to be professional and focus on her job and proceed to kiss Erik on the cheek. Erik was surprised throughout the exchange. He didn’t know you had it in you. It was one of the most sexiest things he’s ever seen you do. He bit his lip as he saw the passion in your eyes. He planned on giving you the best dick when you got home. Oh, it was good already. The tears roll down the side of your face as he pounded you. He kept reminding you why he was fucking between his heavy breaths.

“you told ..that bitch to stop ….. playing with your man huh?” Erik’s sweat rolled down his marked body.

“you don’t want to share this dick…huh…it’s all your and you’re taking it so well….yes this is your baby …take this dick..”

His words were turning you on but when it was time for your climax you heart just sunk. It was a strange emotion. You felt scared and sad but it lasted for a few seconds then Erik fall on you.

“baby, did you cum?” He moaned out

You didn’t know what to say. You had never not cum with Erik ..he knew your body well.

“yes… I did.” You lied. You were glad he couldn’t see your twitching eye. You let him sleep on you, between your legs. Usually, you didn’t because he was heavy but you thought it was a way to apologize for lying to him. You gently rubbed his back.

And after that night it has been the same until now. Erik called out to you asking if you alright. You lied

“Me? Yes. I’m good.” Your eye twitched.

That worried him.

“I have said this before and I’ll say it again !!! Length doesn’t matter!” Adriana said with her forth wine glass in the air.

Erik and titi let out laughs. They hit it over as they rolled laughing.

“You just saying that cause of what kookie got packing …don’t let him fool you.”

Kookie quickly came to his defence.

“man fuck y'all. Except for you baby”, he pointed to Adriana.

“ My dick is above average. It gets the job done. Period! Some of y'all with the long-ass dicks be leaving y'all shorties unsatisfied…y'all monster dicks be leaving her having to take care of her own shit when you knocked out in the bed.”

Once the sentences registered in your head. You involuntarily choked on your wine. It sprung straight onto your white carpet y'all were sitting on, in the living room. You coughed out wine that had made its way down your body.

Everyone rushed to help except Erik. Adriana took the glass from you while Titi sat you up.

“Girl, you good?”

You sat up while you told him you were fine.

“I’ll be in the bathroom to clean myself up.” You stood up and left

Erik’s jaw locked as he quickly follows behind you.

He opened the bathroom door after you just closed it.

“Jesus! Erik dont scare me like that.” You took off your top that was stained by the wine. Just in your bra, Erik stared you down.

“you want to tell me what’s got you acting like this .”

“Erik what are you talking about…can you get me the washing powder in there.”

He slowly reached for the cupboard and took out the washing powder.

“thank you.” You said sarcastically

“Are you pregnant?” Erik asked

“No, I’m not pregnant Erik. Are you high? You think I would drink wine if I was carrying a child.” You asked playfully

He quickly kissed his lips.

“So why you acting like there’s something I need to know…that you don’t want me too.”

“Erik.. are you done with your…little psychoanalysis you throwing on me!“ You started to get irritated you wanted him to leave you alone so you could process your own feelings.

“Are you done lying to me.-“ You turned to him slowly

“Lying!! I’m lying to you!! Oh, I want to hear this!“ you folded your arms and leaned against the working washing machine. The anger came from nowhere but it was very evident and Erik noticed it.

“Yeah you acting strange ass fuck and I-“ You cut him off

“And you what Erik!“ You were pretty sure your guests knew by now that there was a fight in the bathroom.

“What makes you think you have the right to fucking question me when I know nothing about you.“ The penny finally drops for Erik. He knew there was no way you could be this angry for no reason. His secrecy was finally catching up with him. He didn’t know it but it was messing you up. Driving you crazy.

“….Nothing to say. Mr I don’t like talking about my past. Mr Are you writing a book about me. Erik, you disappear for days or weeks at a time, and come back acting like it’s no big deal …..and when I ask you where the hell did go for so long….you always spin it and somehow blame me.“

“Yoh..Y/N …look chill out.“

“I can’t!! I want to But I fucken can’t because I’m in love with your thick-headed ass. I have reached a point where being without you would be a problem. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT ERIK! THE THOUGHT OF BEING WITHOUT YOU BRINGS PAIN AND UNSPEAKABLE SORROW TO MY HEART…….yet I know nothing about you…we might as well be strangers. To be honest I don’t even know what we are. ”

He stood still not saying a word.

“This shit has been affecting me like crazy. My hormones are all over the place. It’s been months since I could…could cum. It’s all I think about. Do get me wrong. Your cute and fun to have around but that’s not what I need to form a partner. “

“….since the second we started hooking up….you never let me in and I was cool with that back then because …oh you know…you can’t trust these female right…..I’ve been patient Erik….and stupid it seems……“ He stood opposite. He was defeated and he didn’t know what to say. He had no idea how you felt.

“…While you out here …figuring shit out and building this wall you have up that I have to work so hard to climb over to reach you ….ill go lay down. I’m tired Erik.”

He knew the lost part didn’t mean you were tired for having a long day…he knew that maybe it was time he let you in and stopped keeping you at arm’s length.

You left him alone in the bathroom, heading upstairs. You heard a lot of shuffling from the living room but you honestly didn’t care if they were listing or not. You were heartbroken. Nothing mattered.

“Ay Erik …my man. We out. We see you and your girl got things to talk about…so will be out of your hair” Titi shouted before they rushed out the front door.

Back in your shared bedroom you took your PJs, phone and night creams and heading for the guest room. There was no way you could sleep with Erik tonight. You were mad and disappointed. All that time you had wasted. Lost investment. You needed time alone. Time to think about your next step. Maybe moving out and starting fresh. It would be hard but what else can you do. It dawned on you that you spent more time at his house then she did. That’s why you locked the door. Just for tonight, you wanted to sit in your sorrow.

[nhlhoser]

On The Rocks -19

  Part 18  Masterlist

word count: 3543

minor swearing

 My own scent is quite ripe in comparison to my fading air fresher by the time I finally get into my car and the only thing in the air now being the mix of antiseptic and sweat - The sweat only being partially mine from handling all the gross men and hugs of celebration. It's a foul odor to a nose not accustomed to such treatment, having to spend a large quantity of my life in sports arenas watching my brothers lacrosse my senses are acclimatized.

A sense of nostalgia flooded my brain with memories of weekends spent hanging around arenas watching my brother play lacrosse or hockey- sitting away from my dad because he had a bad habit of yelling louder than the coach. My moms look of disapproval when I would come home smelling like an equipment bag from carrying my brother's things simply because I could.

My warm fuzzy moment lasted until my heart clenched at the other memories associated with the previous ones but weren't that of good times of love but of hate. My mother's disapproval didn't end at simple looks or glares, she had a burning hatred for my father and she would always make sure I knew it. She was a cold lady in contrast to my warm as the sun father. I could never fathom how they ever got together but the story is something to do with my Nonna's playing matchmaker.

Gripping the steering wheel, my knuckles turn white in an attempt to gain some stability over my rampageous memories that are usually repressed to the extent they don't even exist anymore. A couple of deep breaths reminded of my need to go home and shower but first I need a fatty burger and fries.

My phone buzzed on the passenger seat beside my over sized bag of McDonalds as I pulled into the underground of my building.

Steph: MAde iit HOOME, LOVE YOUUU

wait das for MITCHHHHHY but love u toooooo

sent 11:01pm

Chuckling at the drunk messages I grab a hand full of salty goodness shoving it in my mouth, arranging the McDonalds bag and drink to sit on the roof before grabbing my purse and work bag from the trunk. The hat I was wearing all night sitting on top of my bag made me stop and laugh.

The navy blue hat had the simple Leafs logo in the same shade making rather difficult to make out but the design that sticks out the most to me- would be '34' in silver on the right-hand side above the brim.

"Nice hat," Now makes sense.

Groaning I flick the offending object deep into my trunk grabbing my bag, slinging it and my purse over my shoulder. Grabbing the McDonalds bag with more force than needed I am off towards the elevator in my delayed embarrassed state- grumbling and mumbling curses.

The apartment is silent and dark when i enter still feeling the effects of embarrassment on my cheeks. Kicking off my black runners somewhere near where there are suppose to be, silently making my way up the stairs where the sounds of Steph shower running makes my ears twitch.

"So she's not too drunk," I sigh a bit relieved.

I drop off a box off 10 nuggets on Steph's bed with some sweet n sour sauce the shower still on in the bathroom across the hall, steam, and light leaking through the bottom of the door. The familiar scent of Stephanie's Lavender products hits my nose as I pass on the way to my room.

Laying in bed, my thoughts wandering into my past which brings a feeling that is anything but nostalgic, deep seeded sadness aches in my chest pulling memories of my mom into the forefront of my brain that I do not wish to recall, Staring up a at my ceiling for a moment longer I turn onto my right grabbing my phone off the adjacent table as still charges. I adjusted myself to sit against my head board so I don't unplug my phone.

12:00 am

Scrolling through snap chat stories the sensation of the win re inhabits my chest replacing the dull ache caused thinking too deep, viewing some the guys snaps and Steph's watching the game. Wide smiles take up a majority of the videos and photos. Mitch has a video with his mom dancing in the kitchen with his dad, William has many videos from the celebration in the locker room.

Checking my personal snaps-which a normal person would have done first- I have some from Steph and Sydney all of the game from the WAGS box or their wine glasses captioned STRESSED. Snaps from Will making fun Mitch or just dumb face.

The last one being from Auston. It's a photo of me with that damn hat blocking my face as I massaged out a cramp on someone's leg, The 34 was visible from whatever vantage point he had. The caption 'Always Knew I was your favorite' with a simple smiley face.

Taking a picture of a close-up eye roll 'Haha' sent at 12:14am . Locking my phone and resituating to be on my back again staring at my ceiling, this time a foreign feeling is occupying my chest cavity.

I didn't Mind it.

Am34 opened 12:15am

The next day the routine went the same as any other game but with a better attitude now that the Leafs officially clinched their spot in the playoffs. It was decided before the game that regardless what the outcome was there was going to be celebrations tonight because they couldn't last night.

I had no choice on whether I was going or not. Steph has decided for me and had put a case of red bull into my car and had insisted that I take a nap between the morning skate and the game. As I was asleep she packed me a change of clothes, shoes, and makeup that she would bring with her to Sydney where we would be getting ready with a couple other girls.

"Make sure you drink water and eat this so you'll last tonight. I will meet you in the family area after the game and don't you worry about the rest," Steph said ominously on my way out of the apartment shoving a bag from the Italian bistro café downstairs into my hands. The scent of a pasta entrancing my nose.

"CARBS! LOTS OF CARBS!" She continued to yell at me even as I was getting into the elevator. She sent follow up messages of excitement and further instructions to bring one energy drink in with me to drink as soon as the game ends.

This girl meant business when it came to partying.

There was some importance to the game that remained to be played if they won they would be facing Ottawa in the first round but if they lost it would be Washington. There was more tension right before the game when everyone was dressed than the morning during the skate.

This time I brought my own plain navy blue hat that was completely unmarked, it covered my still sore nose much better than the other one anyways- reminded me the fact I would need a thick layer of both foundations and conceal finished with a lot of powder and concrete setting spray.

The first period was uneventful but the home team was out shooting the visitors going into the second when James got the first 2 minutes into the period than the second 4 minutes after. They held the lead for 10 minutes until Columbus started to light it up much to the chagrin of the Leafs.

The blue jackets were winning 3-2 going into the third and it, unfortunately, stayed that way until the final buzzer where there was some useless roughing around the opposition goalies net before the players cleared the ice with disappointment still on their faces because even though they have their playoff spot they still lost.

Babs still tore them a new before a complete 180 about getting ready for what's to come in the playoffs, media come in like a wildfire and much to Auston's obvious dismay he couldn't escape them. The playoffs now in the near future the media was doubled and more demanding for answers the Media team standing near ready to shut the media down if they asked too much.

As soon as the media was ushered out of the room the guys that were being kept hostage by cameras and microphones flew into the showers to get out of the build. I was massaging out cramps sending players to at least 10 minutes in the hot tub. When I was down my duties and was about to help the physio I was grabbed by the shoulder and pushed into the staff area and instructed to get my stuff together by half dressed Mitch with a smirk- clearly under his girlfriend's instructions.

Exiting the dressing room through the side door and into the family area Steph stood waiting with an evil glint in her eyes with Sydney who was grinning wide an equally evil look.

"Let's get fucked up," The blondes cheered with toned down excitement due to the presence of surrounding people.

"Hope you drank that Red Bull," Stephanie teased as I lead them to the employee parking, having to flash my ID badge to open the door the elevator door and descended to my level. Stephanie was wiggling her ass around and Sydney was shimmering her shoulder to the beat of their own drums.

"You shaved your legs right?"

"and your lady bits" Sydney started and Steph finished cracking each other up, igniting a flame to my cheeks. Ushering the girls out of the elevator and towards the car with a scolding glare both giggling. Sydney calls shotgun but Steph calls AUX. Tossing my crap into the trunk the blondes get situated in the car, as soon as my butt hits the seat a can of energy drink is being pushed to my mouth.

Smartly, Sydney programs her address into my GPS so she doesn't have to yell the direction of the music blasted through my stereo, shaking the whole car. We were those people at the stop light where even though your windows are up you can hear our music. It's not as bad as I am making it out to be, I was dancing to the beat and singing my heart out like it was Car Idol.

I was ordered out of my clothes and into a silky blue robe when I entered the luxurious apartment. We were drinking as we were getting ready. It took a village to get me ready, Lexi Solof Connor Carrick's lovely girlfriend was curling my hair as both Stephanie was working on my face, piling on the full coverage liquids and powder onto my nose layer by layer until the bruising wasn't visible unless you look hard and with the proper light that the club will not have. Stephanie did my eyeshadow with dark brown and golds for a Smokey eye, a lot of mascara and a set of false lashes - my eyes were briefly glue shut.

"All you need is a hot red lip but we'll do lipstick just before the guys get here," Molly soon to be Bozak winked handing out flutes of champagne to everyone that was quickly chugged back in the least lady like way. Notice I am the only one left to get dressed Stephanie handed me the dress bag containing my mysterious outfit as I stepped into the ensuite bathroom.

I cringed at the tall black strap heels at first but quickly changed my attitude as the alcohol courses through my body. Slipping into the sexy but seamless black thong Stephanie packed I knew the dress was tight.

My outfit was hot.

it wasn't actually a dress because it was two parts.

I had one an off the shoulders black top that had specks of golden weaves through different areas that would sparkle if they caught the light in a certain way that stopped inches before my belly button and the skirt was a tight high waisted encil skirt with the same gold accent that stopped just below mid thigh, my stomach was exposed but I felt amazing.

Stepping into the bedroom out of the ensuite the room was completely cleaned of makeup and clothing. The party moved to the living room by the sounds of female laughter clinking of glasses. The now empty bag and robe in hand I re-joined the part with drunken female whistles.

"YES!!" Sydney chanted stunted over in her glorious heels stopping inches still shorter than me, she cupped one of my breasts with admiration on her face.

" You got a great rack!" She cheekily quipped. Laughing I adjusted my strapless bra back to comfort with a wiggle. A glass full of blue liquid was presented to both of us and instructed to chug. Without question, I obey I down the sweet concoction.

A mini party was had before the guys showed up, when the guys did come I was sat my back to the door on the couch with Lucy soon to be Gardnier talking about her love for Jake, It was the cutest thing. Her love was so raw and true in shown in her eyes and gave her a glow, a lot of the girls here had the glow to think about it. Their smiles shined so brightly they could light the room without the need of the light fixtures currently doing just that. There are about 7 girls here, I being the only single one. Molly, Stephanie, Sydney, Lucy, Lexi, and Jaz who was Kadris Gorgeous girlfriend. All these girls were beyond beautiful it was intimating if I wasn't already buzzed but they are also so warm and friendly.

I didn't turn around instantly being in a conversation with Lucy but as soon as they guys found their respective lady. I took in that the guys were all dressed in their game day suites but looked refreshed, some hair was still damp or at least looked that way. Morgan, James, William, Kasperi, and Auston gravitated to the kitchen for drinks. Glancing at my half full/empty glass of something Jaz mixed, I remembered I still need to apply my lipstick.

"Hey Steph, Where'd you put that lipstick?" I caught her attention instantly with a glamorous smile, she stood with Mitch the heels giving her a lift she comes to his nose but my own hear give me height on Mitch. Now standing 6'1" In the heels.

"See, abs are better than yours," Steph reference the morning at the hotel, earning a glare/pout from Mitch and laughter from the guys and I.

"Don't tease the poor boy," I cooed. Steph kissed her pouting boy who instantly swapped his pout for a smirk.

"The lipstick?" I urged sipping my drink.

"Oh yeah, here" She handed me the lipstick from her bra dropped the weirdly warm lipstick into my palm.

"The warmth makes it apply evenly I swear but Boobs are a creative storage place," She mused playing with the hair at her boy's neck who twitch with a giggle.

The lipstick added the final touch to my look for sure, but I had to work on now smudging it. I carefully downed the rest of my drink feeling the tequila burn my throat a little as I stepped out of the bathroom shaking my head with a bit of a cough.

"AMELIA. SHOT!" Mitch hollered out as I enter the room, everyone had a shot of tequila with lime in hand. One was placed into my hand in a flash by a grinning William.

"LET THE NIGHT BEGIN!" Sydney cheered raising her glass slamming the back the alcohol violently. Following her lead well being mindful of my lipstick I expertly slam it back, goose bumps instantly raising my arms as I bit into the sour lime my shoulder shake on instinct.

"Oh god, that was horrible," Connor groaned out queueing a laugh to bubble from my chest.

Everyone lingers around drinking and talking as I observe I can feel an intense set of eyes on me, looking up to be met with the dark brown and calculating eyes of Auston a smile/smirk combo tilting the edge of his lips up as he talks to Mo and Kasperi. I look away first, finding a conversation with Mitch, Steph, and William.

"Your nose looks great," William quipped with the slightest of knowing smiles and a wink, my elbow 'on reflex' went out to greet his side with 'oof' when I get to his side.

" You look amazing in general though," He added with a genuine grin this time, instantly a blush worked up my neck, ears, and cheek.

It was roughly midnight by the time we were piled into XL ubers to get to a high-end club where the rest of the Leafs would be already celebrating, someone the guys used they're status to get practically a floor for the team and who they wish is what I've gathered from being in car with The Bozaks, Marners and Myself sitting in the back slightly squished by Mitch into the Window.

Arriving at the club we drove past the insane line in the front down a side road to the back of the club to enter privately to the excluded area. Instantly greeted by security and club staff handing wristbands to everyone to get into the excluded area but also the other VIP areas, also taking the names of everyone (even the hockey player) for the cliche list.

I've been in clubs but I have never been in one as intensely luxurious as this one, to get to the area for the guys we have to take an elevator which has two guards in front of it on all floors plus one that stays in the actual elevator.

Getting wear the rest of the team is, there are way too many faces to remember but a lot are familiar which provides some comfort. An elegantly dressed woman yet slightly exposed makes rounds with rounds with food provided by the club and others have trays of alcohol that's cover by I believe the players? Steph had made sure I left everything but my ID and phone in my car much to my dismay.

The first while being in the club, everyone was all over the place talking to each other before people gravitated to booths others went to the main floor to dance. I was currently buzzed and listening to JVR tell an embarrassing story about Mo and his tooth and something about difficulty pronounces some letter at first. The drinks were flowing in me giving me a pleasant buzz as I listen to anyone around me that talks.

My blissful nothing doesn't last long before the twin terrors of Steph and Syd set themselves into the booth beside me both bouncing to the beat of the heavy bass to the loud music, Setting down multiple shot glasses before me.

"Drink! then we're down to dance!" The smaller blonde yelled over the music into my ear. Tossing the vodka shots down with a grimace I nod as they cheer drag me through the bodies on the VIP floor. The added alcohol added to my confidence as I stride with them instead of letting myself be dragged like a child.

"I'm just gonna tell Matt first," Sydney sober briefly rerouting our course to where her boy sits with Mitch, William, Auston, and Connors. Lexi sits in her Connors lap with a drunken grin. pulling up to the table with our own drunken grins.

"LEXI! we're going down to dance! come come!" Sydney encourages before turning to her man with a fire in her eye "You too stud," she shoots an obnoxious wink and a becoming finger, Matt is instantly pushing Mitch and Auston out of the booth to get to his women both eyes burning with desire- leaving his two rookies practically on the floor.

"Oh, Mitchy come come!" Steph sinks her manicured claws into Mitches bicep begins leading towards the exit via the bar where we all renew our drinks continuing to the elevator nodding to the security with cheesy grins plus a loose smile from Auston as we enter.

I observed the desert rookie from the other side of the elevator car as he has swayed to the music but remains tense, his dress shirt is slightly unbutton making his chain noticeable and glimmer under the lighting, and His hair slightly messy in comparison to the way it was slicked back earlier.

He caught my eye with a raised brow but my brain does do it usual melt down, I wink with wide smile showcasing my all teeth. His brows shoot up cause a laugh to escape as the door open and I am being lead to the dance floor with the girls.

Leaving him behind.

NEXT

[lessonsinkindness-blog]

valley of the empaths.

I know, or at least hope, I will not be alone in confessing that my propensity for empathy has  at times, come at significant cost to my own happiness, and left me with a misplaced guilt complex. 

I wouldn't change being an empath for anything, and have historically viewed its consequences as worthwhile "occupational hazards", but sometimes I have to ask myself how different my life might have been by now if I had dared to take a few more risks, and listened to my instincts sooner. 

I look at all the years that have been wasted on trying to make square pegs fit round holes, and punishing myself for what were actually quite sound decisions, and can't help wondering how much further down the road I'd be. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and after it all, I can say that I really tried with many people and many situations before finally giving up, but sometimes I wince at the time it's taken me to move from A to B.

I've always hated conflict and confrontation. In fact, I'll do almost anything to avoid it most of the time. I'll keep giving out second chances, I'll make excuses and justifications for behaviour for way too long, and I'll always try to see the situation from the other person's point of view. Because my natural default is to excuse poor behaviour by finding some mitigating circumstance  to reason it away, it takes me a really long time to throw in the towel. Most people's experience of me won't be one of someone who is argumentative or unforgiving, and that's set a precedent, like it does for all of us, as to what people expect from me day to day. 

So it comes as no surprise that on the rare occasions I have chosen to cut someone out of my life, or confront them about unacceptable behaviour, that it has been met with shock and indignation. I think if people were honest, this is because they perceive me as quite a passive or weak-minded person, and assume that I don't have it in me. Quite often I find myself in situations where people are obviously not expecting me to call them out, and quite often, they would be correct in this assumption. So when I do take a stand, the backlash I receive for it tends to be greater. If I am angry enough, and have had enough time to prove beyond any reasonable doubt to myself, and any second chances I may have bestowed, that this person needs to be challenged, I will do so, when the time is right. I always hope in these situations that people would reflect on the fact that a) I am not normally a confrontational person, b) I am a recognised empath by almost everyone in my life and c) I generally have no issues being able to get on with people, and therefore conclude that perhaps in this situation, there may be some merit to my point of view. But denial is a powerful thing, and as my brother will often say, people have an underlying instinct to be the "hero of their own stories". And some truths are bitter pills to swallow. 

The knock-on effect of this is that it plays into a sense of guilt in me which is already in overdrive. By the point I have actively entered into conflict, I will already have had to override huge waves of anxiety to stick my neck out, and it doesn't take much of a leap for me to start convincing myself I've made a terrible mistake. 

I'm no longer ashamed or embarrassed to admit that I have had a lot of counselling throughout my life, from the age of about 15. This has been for various reasons that I will go into separately in other blogs, but what I will say is that it's taken me a long time, and lots of therapy, for me to even begin to recognise that not all negative implications of conflicts in my life are my fault. Nor am I the driver of any of them. I have gradually, over time, gained clarity enough to trust myself that some of the most difficult decisions I've made in life have been some of the best, and were frankly, entirely justified. 

Making these kinds of decisions is even harder when society tells you they don't make sense, that "blood is thicker than water". That mentality can get under your skin so much, that it's the easiest thing in the world to wake up one day, and think, "what have I done?", "was I too harsh?", "am I going to regret this when I/they are grey and old and on my/their deathbed?". 

But what is regret?

 Regret is "a feeling of sadness, repentance, or disappointment over an occurrence or something that one has done or failed to do".

 Whose failing is it? Who has done to?

 I may have cut the threads, but the failings were not mine, and I am not guilty of "doing to". 

I had a defining moment some time ago, and at the risk of this blog being longer than intended, I'd like to explain the resonance it's had on me since. If it seems a little disjointed, this is because this is an edited segment from a chapter I've been writing for my book. I didn't want to share it all, but I thought the below would offer an insight into what I'm getting at here. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I used to believe, perhaps naively, that  whatever stories people manage to spin to others in their life to justify their unkind, cruel, or abusive behaviour, and whatever distraction tactics they employ to keep the white noise of life preventing them from seeing evidence of the truth: that when they are in a room, by themselves, with nothing but their own thoughts for company, people recognise on some level that they have been bad, unkind, cruel to another human being – even if they never admit that outside of those four walls. 

Through time, I’ve realised that those same people are also very good at buying into, and convincing themselves, of their external lies. And that more often than not, that conversation with themselves never happens. For me, this is the cruellest lesson in life – that someone can treat someone else so badly, and never really pay any significant price for it.  

 When we’re wronged in some way, we like to imagine all sorts of scenarios in our head. That the other person will feel guilty later, that they will suffer in some way as karma dishes out “punishment”, that they will have regrets later in life.

What about if that never happens? What about if that person just doesn’t care enough about you to spend much of their time thinking about it? What about if your life is an imprint of the devastation they’ve left behind…and they’re sitting in some other corner of the world, your town, the same street…perfectly happy? What then?

 I’ll always remember a poignant moment in my life that cemented this realisation for me.

I haven’t seen my Dad since 2014. Throughout my childhood, my Dad was a tyrant. Those that know me well know a little of what he was like, but until now I've never really said much about him. I may choose to write about him in other blogs in a little more detail if it feels right, but for now, suffice to say that if it wasn’t for my Mum, I think things could have turned out very differently for my brother and I. My Dad is a deeply insecure, angry, and bitter man, who has made it his life’s work to abuse anybody in a close relationship with him. I hold him accountable for the sheer misery he has inflicted on so many lives around him. And I have never once known him to apologise to any of us for a single incidence of the bile he has spewed in our direction for years. After a period of reconciliation where I tried desperately to give him a chance to prove himself capable of being a decent, honest person, yet again I found myself back at square one – my Dad is not capable of loving anybody, and I truly believe he is devoid of the capacity for genuine emotion. 

In the Summer of 2016, I met a friend for dinner. We were chatting and laughing away, when out of the corner of my eye, I saw that my Dad was having dinner by himself at the next restaurant, on the other side of the glass pane, outside. Luckily, my Dad was facing away from us, and didn’t appear to have seen me.  Nevertheless, I felt a wave of anxiety wash over me, and I immediately felt too sick to eat the rest of my dinner. My friend is a good one who knows quite a bit about my family history, and I was able to tell her what was happening. We decided to order the bill and as soon as we’d paid up, we’d leave.

While I was waiting for the bill, and my friend visited the bathroom, my eyes flitted over to where he sat. And there it was. The absolute reality check I needed. The final blow that snuffed out the tiny flame of “but I still miss him sometimes” once and for all. There he was, in the sunshine, drinking a glass of wine, having a nice steak dinner, and laughing – I mean that kind of laughing when you’re in public, and you’re trying to control yourself but you can’t help it – at his mobile phone. It hit me: he’s happy.

 The moment I realised this, my focus and perspective on him changed. My Dad was not living a lonely, miserable existence. He was not sitting there fretting about what he had lost. He wasn’t distracted by anxiety or depression over what his life had become. 

He was happy. He wasn’t losing time thinking about any of us. 

Is my interpretation of this event subjective? Of course. Can I actually get inside my Dad’s head and have unequivocal knowledge of his thoughts? No. Was I making an assumption based on that snapshot of time? Perhaps. Who knows. I will never know. But – it mattered enough that he was still able to have one of those moments to me. He didn’t deserve it. Somehow he’d landed on his feet again and I could almost guarantee he was still parading around in his smug, narcissistic bubble. He undoubtedly would have found some new, vulnerable woman (perhaps a timid divorcee with young children or a younger secretary at his latest law firm). He was probably working, and earning a decent wage, despite the fact he had a criminal record. He’d probably wormed his way into her house and her family. 

And he probably didn’t think about me all that much. Just another blip on the radar.

 The Empath's arch nemesis: The Narcissist.

 So what justice is there? How do those people sleep at night? Why is it that people like us end up living an examined life, while they coast along, unflinchingly sailing through?

 I don’t know. I wish I did, but I don’t. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So when I'm talking about regret, about misplaced guilt, about the internal conflict it provokes in us to cut someone out of our lives, I feel an awareness that there is a prism certain relationships in our lives are viewed through. A friend who treats you like shit? Move on.

 On the other hand, society tells me that if this person is my parent, I am supposed to forgive them all sins and pop my rose-tinted glasses on. Nurse them into old age. Be there for them and be the better person, despite their flaws and transgressions. Because "at the end of the day, they're flesh and blood". 

These are the messages we receive in our day to day lives. It's no wonder us empaths are left choked by hesitation and regret. We lose years and years of our lives to absorbing dysfunctional transmissions about the people we have a duty to be, when everyone else is enabled to fall short. 

To make empaths feel better, there are often narratives of “killing people with kindness”, "being the bigger person", or “the best revenge is success”. Guilt is a powerful glue in disempowering us from taking back control of our lives and dictating who is allowed in on our own terms, according to our belief systems. 

Sometimes that pressure comes from ourselves. We can buy into our moral sanctity by sticking to the plot line of "empath forgives and sets an example". I wrote about the guru complex. The guru complex befits our friend the Narcissist. The Empath's equivalent is martyrdom. 

It makes us feel smug to think that we are sticking the knife in by living a fabulous life full of sunshine and rainbows while these people are caked in secret misery. Or that we have proven ourselves worthy by being unconditional in our love. That feeds into a need we have to cast ourselves as the hero. 

The hard truth is, this is as much a fairy story as the tales Narcissists tell themselves about what went on all those years ago. They don’t have a magic telescope. They don’t know (and in honesty, probably don’t care) about how happy we are, what we are doing with our lives, or what success we’ve found. Narcissists all have one thing in common – their self-interest. 

But what we can do is live our life, be happy, be successful, in the objective knowledge that the news may never reach them, that they will never provide the apology we so desperately crave, and they may not even live to regret it. But we can live on in spite of that. Because of it. Our audience can be ourselves. Our applause can be our own sense of pride and achievement. 

I've squandered too much time raking myself over the coals for decisions I had every right to take. And I want to stop that now. If we're talking about forgiveness, sometimes we have to forgive ourselves. Forgive ourselves for not being stronger, earlier. Forgive ourselves for moving on. Forgive ourselves for bidding guilt goodbye.

[mathwritten]

THE SPACE IN BETWEEN

She reaches for her keys at her apartment door, violently searching for them in her designer bag. She unlocks the door and welcomes the sanity of her apartment in the north of Johannesburg.

The events of the day engulf her brain leaving her heart rate racing, she does what she does best blocks out the negatives.

She turns on the radio, as always it fills the room with familiarity as she pours a glass of red wine walks to the balcony and lights a cigarette, its 8:55 and she just got home having left at 5am.

This realisation makes her understand why he left “you are married to your job and I can’t compete with that- in fact I refuse to do so, goodbye Nuna.’’ shaking her head she takes a sip at her wine in effort to erase the memory.

She hears nothing said on radio as her best attempts of blocking her boss, Neil, and the human being growing inside her fail terribly.

Shrugging the glass of wine away for the first time since she found out this morning it sinks in, she Miss Career Nunokati Angelic Jacobs is going to be a mother in six months.

She takes one last long drag at her cigarette before putting it out. The smoke fills the balcony with misery.

The sound of her cell phone ringing interrupts her, this minor divergence is welcomed as her looming gloom disappears from her mind even if it’s just for a moment.

“Troy what can I do for you?” She tries to listen but her heart interrupts her mind’s short lived peace. At the back of her mind she remembers who she is talking to,

“Troy can I call you back in the morning?”

“Nuna its Neil he… Nuna, can you please come over?” he answers.

“Troy I love your brother but he’s the one who left me not the other way around. You know me better than to expect me to come crawling back bye Troy.”

Morning comes her eyes open to find him watching her sleep. “Nuna I am so sorry to come unannounced I wanted to apologise in person Troy was wrong to call you last night I was in a bad space.

Nuna are you ok? I expected to be kicked out of here before I could even say good morning and why are you sleeping on the couch?

You’ve been crying. My God Nuna you haven’t cried since your dad died is maDlamini ok?”

Realizing she would not be anywhere else in the world but right here in his gaze his eyes have been the fire she’s woken up to for the past 6 years. Her world stands before her, here is her boyfriend the father of her child, here is the fire she lives by the flame that will burn her to death.

Nomaswazi always said love burns and Nuna has seen and felt the burning sensation of love in everyone except Thabo. She fills herself smile for the first time in months. Nuna suspects this is the real reason she’s been crying.

The spell is broken by the land line ringing, Neil answers phone, “Yes mama she is here, it’s good to hear from you too, ok ma love you too, Nuna your mother is on the phone.”

She gets up slowly dreading this conversation desperately wishing it would be the last, “Sawubona Nomaswazi ngingakusita ngani?”

“Why do you insist on speaking to me in that language, your father was white and you are dating a white man.”

“Nomaswazi You and I are not white, I speak Afrikaans just as well so spare me. What do you want?” Nuna snapped.

“I just wanted to tell you that you are a fool to let Neil go!” Noma laughs sarcastically and asks her daughter if she really thinks any other white man will want her.

“Are you done?”

“Not exactly I need ten thousand.”

“Right you will have it before I get to the office next time just send an invoice.”

“Stupid girl! Don’t think your money makes you better than me? Isn’t it enough you took my husband from me?”

“You need help Noma goodbye.”

“Send me that money you stupid girl.”

The space in between her and Nomaswazi has been a work in progress for as long as Nuna can remember. She puts the phone down and walks towards her flame, and he disapproves of her and Nomaswazi’s relationship.

“Neil I really don’t want to talk about that self-loathing woman, besides I have news.”

“Do tell.”

“Umm how do I say this…?.”

“Demit Nuna speak!”

“I am pregnant Neil I’ve been so stressed with work I thought that’s why I missed my period.”

“How far along are you?”

“Three months.”

“Well congratulations, I hope you and the father will be happy together.”

“Neil! The baby is yours!”

“I know we have been separated for three months but really what is 3 months versus 6 years.”

“Nuna you know how long I’ve wanted this?” he pauses and stares at the floor. In this moment she knows what he will say and she knows it’s the truth.

“We haven’t slept together since your birth day and unless my math is failing me that was five months ago so please spare me, I knew you were selfish just never figured you for a whore who is he Nuna, your boss?”

Remembering the night Neil left, Troy stayed behind to comfort her and she did the unforgivable and slept with his brother. She is pregnant with Troy’s child. She gasps, he stares, shock evident in her eyes disgust in his.

“Nuna who is he? Umm… demit Nuna 6 years of my life devoted to making myself into the man that you could love and you refused to marry me but I still stuck around but evidently you did me a favour in that regard.”

“Neil listen I’m so sorry but we can get through this I can have an abortion and we can forget this whole thing ever happened.

“Neil please I love you.”

“Nuna love does not ignore it does not lie it does not cheat and it knows compromise. Love recognizes love Nuna, you know nothing, nothing about love so stop talking about killing an innocent life just because you cannot keep track of who you sleeping with.”

She leans over to touch him, he stares into her eyes “Nuna who is he?”

“Nuna the only person you have ever put before yourself in the world is Thabo and I know for a fact that your best friend of 17 years hasn’t been in the country for 5 months and you haven’t been to England in 7 months so who is he Nunokati Jacobs?”

“Neil I would never sleep with Thabo. He’s my family…. the only family I have ohk.”

“I am not a whore, you walked out on me 3 months ago, who I have slept with since is none of your business and I am a sorry I mixed up my dates but you are right about one thing- the father and I will be very happy together.”

“Now leave my keys and get the fuck out of my house and maybe you should ask your brother who the father of my child is you would be surprised how well your big brother and I know each other.”

Neil grabs Nuna by her hair and slaps her across the face and she falls on the floor face down. Nuna knew he would hit her again abusers always do she should know, she watched daddy beat up Nomaswazi all the time and of cause she still blames Nuna for this.

Daddy’s little girls are the reason woman fight with their husbands her mother would say. Nuna stopped calling Nomaswazi Dlamini mom when she was 15-years-old when her father died, this also happens to be the last time she cried before last night.

Neil looks at Nuna remembering how Thabo was the one who told him about Mr Ivan Jacobs how he used to drink, cheat and beat up Nomaswazi, Neil never understood why Nuna hated her mother so much and loved Ivan.

He hates Ivan though he has never met him. Thabo told him five years ago a year after Neil and Nuna started dating he beat up Nuna so bad she ran to Thabo’s place, he still lived in SA back then.

Thabo told him he hated Ivan because he was Ivan, Thabo begged Nuna to leave Neil and move to England with him.

I should have listened to Thabo. Neil is like daddy only he doesn’t cheat or drink and I didn’t marry him for his money like Nomaswazi did daddy, but he curses and he beats, I always thought I was better I didn’t marry him and have his babies and I make my own money, Nuna thought to herself.

“Love doesn’t beat either you sanctimonious bastard!”

Neil grabs her by the arm and kicks her stomach 3 times shouting this is for every month your whore mother has had you in her stomach.

Troy walks in and holds his brother ,Neil tells Troy that as always he has been nibbling on his leftovers ,that his ratchet whore and child will die today he will kill them the same way his father did his mother.

Thabo arrives in South Africa, excited to surprise his best friend, his soul mate, the love of his life, the sun hit Thabo hard.

This sun feels like the mark of the dammed Thabo thought as he drove out of the airport heading to the north of Johannesburg.

Troy punches his brother on the face and he runs to Nuna. He locks her in her room and calls the cops and the ambulance, while he watches her miscarry their child.

Neil keeps banging on the door threatening to shoot them, the space between them expends and decades of being abused, witnessing abuse and inflicting abuse play out.

Thabo is greeted by a plethora of officials, police officers, reporters, medics. Thabo saw her bleeding on the stretcher, she couldn’t see him, they would not let him in the ambulance, Noma was nowhere to be seen, Neil dead. Thabo drove to the hospital, all he could think was I love you.

Nunokati Jacobs felt herself dying. She longed for Thabo, knew now more than ever that he is the only person she has loved without guilt.

Nunokati was driven to the hospital and all she could think was I am sorry Troy remembering him, his dead body, killed by his own brother, and Neil who was killed by his damming rage, and her dying because she was scared of peace and drawn to the flame beyond all she thought, I love you Thabo and she died.

Nomaswazi was cursing out her daughter to her friends, complaining about her not sending her, ‘’her’ money. Her phone rings “Thabo how can I help you?”

“Noma I am at the hospital”

“And this is my business how?”

“Ma please its Nuna….Neil shot her, Troy and himself… the doctors say she was pregnant.”

Noma hangs up.

Today Nomaswazi says goodbye to her daughter, Thabo his soul mate, today the sun is up, today bridges are built, and a debt to fate is paid and these lives were the prize.

Nomaswazi will live and Thabo will leave never to be heard of again. Today the space in between will rise to the occasion.