#and my cousin was a lesbian due to past trauma

[stabbingandorbeingstabbed]

well it finally happened lads i got in another argument abt lgbt rights with my mom and ended up coming out as bisexual happy pride LMAO

[moiraineswife]

Jasnah - The Facade Meta

Today we’re going to discuss the stormlight of my life, your life, your cat’s life: Jasnah Kholin. Topics of discussion include (but will likely not be limited to): the face she wears, the effect her childhood and what we know if it has had on her, madness, her mother, her perceived invincibility, and whatever else strikes me as relevant in the midst of this chaotic clusterfuck of yelling tarted up as character analysis. 

Now. To business:

Let us begin at the beginning (of what we know) and talk about Jasnah’s childhood illness, and what this has done to her in terms of her relationship with her mother, her outlook on life, and her perception of, well, perception…

“It’s your daughter,” Dalinar guessed. “Her lunacy.”

“Jasnah is fine, and recovering. It’s not that.”  (OB, 49, Born Unto Light)

Peppered through Dalinar’s flashbacks in Oathbringer are small hints at the dark side of Jasnah’s childhood. We’ve had hints before that Jasnah’s life has not always been...entirely typical for a princess.

Her existence as a radiant was a hint itself, as it's implied most of them are ‘broken’ in some way.

The others are more obvious: Kaladin’s depression, Shallan’s PTSD, anxiety, and DID, Dalinar’s repressed memories, and alcoholism etc,etc.

With Jasnah, you know it has to be there, but it’s harder to see. To use Shallan’s metaphor, she’s like a cracked vase, but the cracked side has been turned to the wall, so the outside world sees only smooth perfection.

This flashback comment is the most obvious indication at what caused Jasnah to break. A fairly shocking one for a reader as 'Jasnah' and 'lunacy' seem to match as well as chasmfiends and tea parties.

It also provides some rather awful context for this segment a few chapters earlier:

“Something stirred deep within her. Glimmers of memory from a dark room, screaming her voice ragged. A childhood illness nobody else seemed to remember, for all it had done to her.

“It had taught her that people she loved could still hurt her.”   (O, 47, So Much Is Lost)

We know, given Shallan’s research into Taln at the behest of the Ghostbloods, that the current treatment for madness involves confining the person in darkness.

It seems like far too much of a coincidence that Jasnah, diagnosed with lunacy, would have memories of screaming herself hoarse in a dark room that could somehow be unconnected to this.

Based on my shoddy maths, she was around 11 or 12 at this point, which is marked by many, especially Navani, as a turning point in her life. There was a profound change in how she acted with those around her following this.

“She wouldn’t let me be a mother to her, Dalinar,” Navani said, staring into the distance. “Do you know that? It was almost like . . . like once Jasnah climbed into adolescence, she no longer needed a mother. I would try to get close to her, and there was this coldness, like even being near me reminded her that she had once been a child. What happened to my little girl, so full of questions?” (WoR, 67, Spit and Bile)

It seems like too much of a coincidence, again, to assume that Jasnah’s childhood illness and her confinement had nothing to do with her reluctance to allow Navani to mother her any more.

Jasnah herself reflects that her imprisonment, for lack of a better word, taught her that people she loved could still hurt her. It seems very likely that this refers to Navani and Gavilar, as they would have allowed this treatment to continue. It’s also likely the reason for the change in their relationship afterwards.

Navani's presence didn't remind her she had been a child; it reminded her of what had been done to her.

Navani’s little girl was branded insane and locked away in a dark room with her parents' consent. This removed her ability to trust in Navani to mother and protect her. She kept her distance, she kept herself aloof and removed from everyone, and that’s something that hasn’t changed over twenty years later.

She takes no wards, an expected thing for a woman of her rank. She's unmarried, well past the age she should be. She has no friends, the closest she has are both "pen pals" she communicates with via spanreed.

Jasnah, of all the characters in Stormlight, is the one least emotionally connected. She clearly loves her family, and is devoted to them...But again it's from a distance.

She works in the shadows with assassins to protect them. She studies the end of the world a world away from everyone she loves.

When we see her in Kharbranth for the first time with Shallan, she’s alone.

The servants she uses seem to belong to the Palaneum. She travels alone, she researches and works and bears her burdens alone.

The sole exception is Ivory and she doesn't really have a choice with him BUT to have him with her.

I am NOT suggesting that Jasnah doesn’t actually care about her family/Shallan - we see repeatedly that she absolutely does.

Poignantly, the first thing Renarin’s visions predict that turns out to be false is the lack of love that Jasnah has - they claim she will choose logic and kill her cousin, but she chooses to save him instead.

It’s clear that Jasnah cares very deeply...but she also deliberately distances herself, both physically and emotionally, from other people.

(continued below)

Jasnah is so independent that it’s almost a flaw. She’s an interesting opposite to Kaladin, in this regard.

Kaladin defines himself so much by those around him, his family, his men, those under his care and protection, that that almost becomes a flaw in him. He destroys himself to protect them, and every failure wrecks him.

Jasnah keeps everyone away. She operates alone, in secret, and she clearly struggles to let people get close to her.

The reasons for this are twofold, I feel.

The first one is assassins: Jasnah has been ‘killed’ by one such assassination attempt, has survived another, who made multiple attempts on her life in the form of Kabsal, and has almost certainly experienced more beyond that.

Her casual expectation that Kabsal is trying to use Shallan to get close to her, likely, though she doesn’t say it, to kill her - which turns out to be true.

She knows firsthand how easy it is for someone with enough money and influence to place spies and assassins into a setting- she does it herself all the time. And it resulted in the death of her father.

In a lot of ways, she’s as paranoid about assassination as Elhokar is - she just expresses it in a far more subtle/rational way. Where Elhokar rants and panics, Jasnah blocks up air vents and rejects rooms in the 90000 foot, lost for centuries, tower with balconies because they're a security flaw.

The second reason for her emotional isolation, I believe, is what caused her initial withdrawal from Navani.

Being believed mad, locked in a dark room, screaming for help and being ignored, and knowing that your parents, the people whom you went to with questions and looked to for safety and protection are at least partially responsible, all at the age of eleven is...fairly damaging.

Jasnah hides the effects of her trauma far better than Kaladin or Shallan. This is probably partially because she’s older and has been dealing with it for longer.

By this point, her trauma reactions (which went, by her own admission, unaddressed by her family after what happened, which is traumatising in itself), have melded in with her personality/are brushed off as simply Jasnah being Jasnah.  

“I know what people say of me. I should hope that I am not as harsh as some say, though a woman could have far worse than a reputation for sternness. It can serve one well.”  (TWoK, 8, Nearer the Flame).

As a matter of fact, we know full well that Jasnah ISN’T as harsh or stern as she’s claimed to be. Shallan repeatedly affirms to Kabsal, and to a reader, that Jasnah is not what she expected - a stern, harsh mistress. She also notes that Jasnah believes herself to be one - likely due to everyone else perceiving her that way.

I think the perception of Jasnah is one that she’s cultivated deliberately - a stern, aloof, even harsh person. Not one anyone would want to be close to. Also not someone anyone would associate with weakness, or needing to be cared for or protected.

More than assassins, I think Jasnah fears people who love her with good intentions, and the ability to assert those good intentions upon her, because it's "for her own good".

When she was a child it led to her imprisonment, something which still triggers traumatic flashbacks over ten years later. She fears having people she loves hurt her. And so she keeps them away, and cultivates for herself a presence that doesn’t need to be cared for, that almost doesn’t need or want to be loved, so that can never happen again.

She rejects, most notably and strongly, her mother, and any implication of a husband. This has led to speculation about her sexuality - maybe she’s gay - though it seems fairly acceptable in Alethkar for a person to be gay (they don’t even have to fill out social reassignment forms!). I

It might be more frowned upon in noble society, due to the expectation of forming political marriages, and while I don’t necessarily doubt it (give me queer Jasnah, Brandon, I beg of you, I’m a starving lesbian and I need this) the only commentary we have from Jasnah on the subject sems to suggest a different, sadder, motive:

Jasnah relaxed visibly. “Yes, well, it did seem a workable solution. I had wondered, however, if you’d be offended.”

“Why on the winds would I be offended?”

“Because of the restriction of freedom implicit in a marriage,” Jasnah said. “And if not that, because the offer was made without consulting you.

[...]

“It doesn’t bother you at all?” Jasnah said. “The idea of being beholden to another, particularly a man?”

“It’s not like I’m being sold into slavery,” Shallan said with a laugh.

“No. I suppose not.” Jasnah shook herself, her poise returning.

(WoR, 1, Santhid).

This is the only time, after an entire book of content in which Jasnah, amongst other things: Soulcasts three men into oblivion, is almost assassinated repeatedly, is betrayed by the first person she’s taken in and trusted in a long time, and is researching the literal end of the world, that Shallan notes Jasnah looking nervous/uncomfortable in discussing anything.

And it’s about marriage.

Jasnah views marriage as being a ‘restriction of freedom’ and finds it distasteful because it encompasses the idea ‘of being beholden to another’.

Anything that even implicitly binds her to another or puts them in her power is something she wants nothing to do with. And, legally, if she were ever to be accused of lunacy again, the two people most likely to have the authority to make a decision on her treatment/send her back to the ardents would be either a parent, or a husband.

The first she’s distanced herself from in pretty much every way since the first event, and the second she’s refused to entertain for years, to the point that high society whispers that she must be gay.

I also think she's uncomfortable because she sees what she did here - setting up a betrothal, which she views as a restriction of freedom - for Shallan, without consulting her, as the same thing that was done to her as a child.

A restriction of freedom for Shallan’s own good. The same justification that was used to imprison her. It's obviously not the same, but Jasnah views marriage as a kind of imprisonment. So in her mind it is.

Jasnah also has huge trust issues. She just covers them with what appears to be personality traits - of being independent, and aloof - but that’s largely just a cover for her own insecurities, and her fear of ever having her freedoms restricted again.

This idea also gives a little bit more of a twist (or dramatic gut punch, thanks Brandon), to her advice to Shallan about perception and power:

“Power is an illusion of perception.”

Shallan frowned.

“Don’t mistake me,” Jasnah continued. “Some kinds of power are real—power to command armies, power to Soulcast. These come into play far less often than you would think. On an individual basis, in most interactions, this thing we call power—authority—exists only as it is perceived.

“You say I have wealth. This is true, but you have also seen that I do not often use it. You say I have authority as the sister of a king. I do. And yet, the men of this ship would treat me exactly the same way if I were a beggar who had convinced them I was the sister to a king. In that case, my authority is not a real thing. It is mere vapors—an illusion. I can create that illusion for them, as can you.”  (WoR, 1, Santhid)

Jasnah is talking here with Shallan about being more confident, assertive, and being able to have people do what you want (Something Navani later notes Jasnah is very good at doing).

But I think Jasnah uses this same idea - the power of perception, as a defence mechanism against her trauma, a way to protect herself.

We dismiss her isolation as aloofness. We dismiss her lack of emotional reaction as a cornerstone of the "strong female character" trope. But I think it's deeper than that. Because Jasnah isn't ACTUALLY like that deep down. It's a perception she works very hard to achieve.

Jasnah uses logic in a similar way to how Shallan uses art and drawing, or how Kaladin uses training with the spear. It’s a distraction, a grounding technique, something she can calm herself with. It’s an anchor and a crutch all at the same time.

Jasnah is logical to a fault, to the point that it makes others see her as a monster lacking empathy. I don’t think, at any point in the last few books, we’ve seen Jasnah genuinely distressed/angry/displaying emotion to the point she’d be considered out of control.

Almost all the other POV characters have had moments of weakness/breakdowns/extremely poignant emotional displays. But not Jasnah. All we ever see from Jasnah is the controlled, cultivated perception that she wants us to see. Something which I think is rooted in her trauma.

Logic is the antithesis of lunacy. Rational thought is the direct counter to madness. If the whole world sees Jasnah as logical, utterly in control of herself, if that is the perception she has everyone believe at all times then she can’t be accused of madness again.

Madness, at least in Jasnah’s mind, is an outburst of excessive, uncontrolled emotion. It is the opposite of logic. It’s acting impulsively, without thought, based purely on emotions. Ivory supports this idea:

“Ivory, you think all humans are unstable.”

“Not you,” he said, lifting his chin. “You are like a spren. You think by facts. You change not on simple whims. You are as you are.”

She gave him a flat stare.

“Mostly,” he added. “Mostly. But it is, Jasnah. Compared to other humans, you are practically a stone!” (O, 39, Notes)

Even Ivory, who has been closer to Jasnah in recent years than anyone we know of in the series so far, characterises her this way.

She rejects this idea, telling Ivory that:

 “You call me logical,” Jasnah whispered. “It’s untrue, as I let my passions rule me as much as many.”  (O, 39, Notes)  I think this is true, she does let her passions rule her, but she doesn’t let anyone, even Ivory, see that from her.

That's deliberate. She deliberately makes herself out to be this logic-driven robot, with no feeling or passion.

To the world, Jasnah Kholin is the consummate scholar, the eternally logical thinker, untouched by empathy or feeling. This is how she wants them to think of her.

We know that it’s not true. We know that Jasnah is driven by emotions - her guilt at feeling like she failed Gavilar, her fear for what’s coming for the world, her love for her family, her true passion for scholarship and knowledge.

This is particularly notable when set against a character who exemplifies the opposite in so many ways: Kaladin.

“Yes. The answer is obvious. We need to find the Heralds.”

Kaladin nodded in agreement.

“Then,” Jasnah added, “we need to kill them.”

“What?” Kaladin demanded. “Woman, are you insane?”

“The Stormfather laid it out,” Jasnah said, unperturbed. “The Heralds made a pact. When they died, their souls traveled to Damnation and trapped the spirits of the Voidbringers, preventing them from returning.”

“Yeah. Then the Heralds were tortured until they broke.”

“The Stormfather said their pact was weakened, but did not say it was destroyed,” Jasnah said. “I suggest that we at least see if one of them is willing to return to Damnation. Perhaps they can still prevent the spirits of the enemy from being reborn. It’s either that, or we completely exterminate the parshmen so that the enemy has no hosts.” She met Kaladin’s eyes. “In the face of such an atrocity, I would consider the sacrifice of one or more Heralds to be a small price.”

“Storms!” Kaladin said, standing up straight. “Have you no sympathy?”

“I have plenty, bridgeman. Fortunately, I temper it with logic.”  (O, 39, Notes)

Ah, the old ‘punt the Heralds back to Damnation to buy us time’ argument. Lovely.

Jasnah and Kaladin are at two different ends of the sympathy-logic spectrum and it was kind of inevitable they’d clash. But I think it makes Jasnah’s assertions more...Stark and shocking, when she pitches them to Kaladin.

What she suggests IS logical. And it’s actually the same sort of logic that led the Heralds themselves to abandon Taln to Damnation in the first place: “better that one man should suffer than ten.”

It’s a cold, harsh, brutal logic, and it’s very typical of how Jasnah likes to present herself when she’s speaking to others.

The killing of the footpads in Kharbranth is another prime example - it’s all cold, dissected logic when she reasons through it with Shallan afterwards. (Though I imagine if we saw Jasnah’s POV of it in the moment, it would be very different than what she presents).

Because what I find most interesting about the Heralds argument is that we get Jasnah, just Jasnah, away from anyone who has to view her performance of perception, reflecting on the situation. And her internal thoughts/her private reactions are very different from those she displays in public.

“These words trouble you,” he said, stepping up to her again and resting his jet-black fingers on the paper. “Why? You have read many troubling things.”

[...]

Something stirred deep within her. Glimmers of memory from a dark room, screaming her voice ragged. A childhood illness nobody else seemed to remember, for all it had done to her.

It had taught her that people she loved could still hurt her.

“Have you ever wondered how it would feel to lose your sanity, Ivory?”

Ivory nodded. “I have wondered this. How could I not? Considering what the ancient fathers are.”

“You call me logical,” Jasnah whispered. “It’s untrue, as I let my passions rule me as much as many. In my times of peace, however, my mind has always been the one thing I could rely upon.”

Except once.

She shook her head, picking up the paper again. “I fear losing that, Ivory. It terrifies me. How would it have felt, to be these Heralds? To suffer your mind slowly becoming untrustworthy? Are they too far gone to know? Or are there lucid moments, where they strain and sort through memories … trying frantically to decide which are reliable and which are fabrications…”

She shivered.  (O, 39, Notes).

In an ironic (fuck you Brandon) twist: I think Jasnah knows EXACTLY what she’s suggesting they do to the Heralds. She’s also probably the person in that room who has the most experience with/has contemplated most what they would be condemning them to, and who therefore empathises with them the most.

It’s STRONGLY implied in this passage that Jasnah has experienced some sort of hallucinations in the past. Possibly this is connected to some kind of neurodivergence. I think this more likely than the alternative - that she was seeing into Shadesmar, because I believe that her imprisonment was what caused her to ‘break’ and enabled her to form her spren bond in the first place. But it’s possible. 

Regardless of what’s happened in the past, now, Jasnah’s mind is her sanctuary. If she only ever knows one thing it’s her own mind. She’s a rationalist. She puts her faith in things that she can know intuitively, via logic, like maths - things that exist independently of god, that cannot be doubted. Their truth is tied to their very existence. All that's required to know it is to know her own mind and reason. Losing that is quite literally the worst thing she can think of.

And honestly? Taln’s story probably really fucks with her. Because what he went through is what she went through, too, as a child.

Taln was dismissed as a madman, because no one believed what he said, even though it was true. Truth doesn’t matter; not when it comes to being perceived mad. Nor does being right. Taln was telling the truth. Taln was right. Taln was a goddamn Herald. And they still decided he was mad and locked him away in a dark room, alone, the same way they did to her.

Jasnah knows what that feels like. Jasnah empathises with Taln and the other Heralds more than probably anyone else. But she speaks of condemning these people to that fate, to the greatest hell she can think of, calmly, and rationally. But that’s absolutely not what she really feels/thinks. There is...Such a stark difference, when you really sit and think about it, in the Jasnah that she lets everyone see, and the Jasnah that exists only behind closed doors.

She could see Jasnah’s face, hand against her temple, staring at the pages spread before her. Jasnah’s eyes were haunted, her expression haggard.

This was not the Jasnah that Shallan was accustomed to seeing. The confidence had been overwhelmed by exhaustion, the poise replaced by worry. Jasnah started to write something, but stopped after just a few words. She set down the pen, closing her eyes and massaging her temples. A few dizzy-looking spren, like jets of dust rising into the air, appeared around Jasnah’s head. Exhaustionspren.

Shallan pulled back, suddenly feeling as if she’d intruded upon an intimate moment. Jasnah with her defenses down. (WoR, 6, Terrible Destruction).

The text itself characterises Jasnah’s mask as a defence. A defence against being known, a defence against being seen as anything other than perfectly logical. Having this mask so firmly and so constantly in place is a lot of work. It’s almost a compulsion for her at this point - the refusal to let anyone else in, the strict adherence to logic, regardless of her own feelings or how it makes others see her. Better to be emotionless and in control, utterly, unquestionably sane and rational, than to ever go back to being considered mad.

This, ironically, isn't rational behaviour. It's a trauma response. I'm stating this, the idea that being emotionless/always rational prevents anyone viewing her as insane again (though, again ironically, this is exactly what Kaladin accuses her of being (OUCH)). But I think these are facts in Jasnah's mind? It's her coping mechanism. It's a really bad one. But that's what it is.

As an interesting side note - I think the only time we ever see Jasnah draw emotion spren is when she’s on her own (or assumes she’s on her own, as in this passage, or too exhausted to keep them away entirely - like the single fearspren she draws later in this chapter).

This feels notable because every other character who features in the books, even minor side characters, draws emotion spren of one sort or another at some point in the text.

Jasnah, for all that she’s on screen, draws very little. This may be a function of her ability to tap into Shadesmar, to keep them away, remove any trace of emotion spren from spawning around her. That or she just has such a tight hold on her emotions that she doesn’t draw them.

Either way, I think it’s (another) sign that her behaviour isn’t entirely natural. Spren are everywhere on Roshar, you draw them when you feel a powerful emotion - that’s a natural day-to-day occurrence there.

Unless you’re Jasnah.

Maybe that’s straying a little too far into the realms of what’s reasonable, but I do still think that Jasnah’s output, especially when it contrasts, often very strongly, with her internal feelings, is a coping mechanism/a response to the trauma she endured as a child.

Madness is a fairly strong theme in Stormlight, a few of the characters discuss it/experience it. Syl asks Kaladin fairly directly what it is:

“What is madness?” she asked, sitting with one leg up against her chest, vaporous skirt flickering around her calves and vanishing into mist.

“It’s when men don’t think right,” Kaladin said, glad for the conversation to distract him.

“Men never seem to think right.”

“Madness is worse than normal,” Kaladin said with a smile. “It really just depends on the people around you. How different are you from them? The person that stands out is mad, I guess.” *(TWOK) 

Dalinar’s TWOK arc deals very strongly with madness and the ability to trust your own mind. Taln is, as has been noted, locked away for being mad. Several of the Heralds and the Fused are described as mad after what they've been put through. It's something I expect to be explored further as the series progresses.

Jasnah, I think, is the character who tries so hard never to seem that way. Never to be unhinged, or unbalanced, or affected by what's happened to her. But of course we know that she is.

I think, though, that it’s easy to write off Jasnah's trauma. The other characters all have flaws that are very obvious/things that make them obviously ‘broken’ in terms of their spren bond and the oaths they need to speak.

Kaladin suffers from depression, and from crippling guilt, and taking on too much responsibility. But also with his anger, and his hatred towards those who have wronged him, and how that can push him to blame them/avoid responsibility for what’s happened to him. Basically, his inability to let go or move forwards.

Shallan has the opposite problem, and an inability to look back/face the past. She repressed memories of trauma, and wove lies over them to protect herself, which she had to overcome to progress.

Dalinar had his alcoholism, and prior to that, his ‘addiction’ (which I think is absolutely how it’s written/the parallels are pretty obvious) to The Thrill. He had to accept responsibility, and guilt, and grief, and pain. He had to acknowledge that he had been a bad person, who was not worthy of Evi, but also that he’s capable of change, and improving himself, and becoming a better man.

Their trauma responses are loud, and obvious, and messy. They're aware of them, a reader is aware of them, the other characters are aware of them. "They stand out" if you like.

Jasnah does everything she can to ensure the effects of her trauma never stand out. To the point that other characters fairly consistently characterise Jasnah as perfect/an ideal woman.

I’m NOT saying that the text ACTUALLY presents Jasnah as being perfect/without any flaws (that’s...that’s kinda the point of this entire meta) but the characters gloss over these things/her flaws are perceived as good things?

She’s seen as so aloof, so unflappable, so commanding, and in control. She’s highly intelligent, she’s beautiful, she’s a cunning tactician and politician. Shallan claims that she’s almost always right, which Renarin backs up. Dalinar trusts and respects her, and wants her back at the war camps to aid them. She’s a highly revered scholar, respected, and brilliant. She is, in a way, almost beyond human, let alone being flawed or broken like the rest of them.

Jasnah grimaced at the thought. Shallan was always surprised to see visible emotion from her. Emotion was something relatable, something human—and Shallan’s mental image of Jasnah Kholin was of someone almost divine. (WoR, 1, Santhid).

Shallan reflects that seeing her as divine is a weird way to consider a heretic, and we’re kind of led along into that thread. But it’s also very...Othering?

It’s a “positive” kind of othering: she’s divine/superhuman, that’s great! Only it’s...It’s not? It’s so easy to see Jasnah as beyond human, and that makes us forget what she’s endured, and ignore the walls she’s put up and the profound effect that it’s had on her. And the fact that this is not healthy at all.

It's so unhealthy to be put on a pedestal this way. And it's unhealthy to cultivate a persona that makes the only response to you one that sees you as beyond human/without typical human reactions and emotions?

Shallan can be a bit whimsical and can romanticise/idealise people, but even Navani, another deeply scholarly, rational, and logical thinker, categorises Jasnah in a similar way.

She’s dismissive of the idea that Jasnah can have died. Even when others (like Adolin) start getting worried about the ship’s delay, Navani is sure that Jasnah is fine.

Part of this is, I assume, due to the fact that Jasnah is a radiant and, as the Diagram predicts, they survive when they should have been killed - so Navani has had this idea reinforced with empirical evidence over the years, which is noted in the text.

However, when Shallan first brings her the news of Jasnah’s death she refuses to believe it. Even after Shallan tells Navani she watched Jasnah stabbed through the heart, Navani still refers to her as being ‘unconscious’ (which...is actually correct, in this instance) but that is besides my point: regardless of reason or logic, people presume that Jasnah is beyond such mortal, trivial, human things like death:

‘Though Jasnah had been away for some time, her loss was unexpected. I, like many, assumed her to be immortal.’

If she’s beyond death, she’s certainly beyond something like trauma, or being broken, or damaged.

“You’re still human,” Shallan said, reaching across, putting her hand on Navani’s knee. “We can’t all be emotionless chunks of rock like Jasnah.”

Navani smiled. “She sometimes had the empathy of a corpse, didn’t she?”

“Comes from being too brilliant,” Shallan said. “You grow accustomed to everyone else being something of an idiot, trying to keep up with you.”

[...]

How surreal it was to imagine Jasnah as a child being held by a mother. (Wor, 77, Trust).

More ‘othering’, less positive than the divine, but it clearly categorises Jasnah as something other than human, and in this case, it fixates on her lack of (perceived) emotion.

Jasnah has so defined herself by her lack of emotional response to things that even those closest to her -her ward and her mother - view her as emotionless, like a rock, a corpse, dead. Ivory also says this in a previous quote “you are like spren” / “you are practically a stone.” Jasnah is categorised as strong, invulnerable to emotion, beyond human, something other. 

Though Jasnah, as she herself admits, makes decisions based on emotion.

For all that she says about pursuing the footpads in Kharbranth as purely an act of logic/civic duty, I think you can sense the emotion in that moment.

“Besides, men like those…” There was something in her voice, an edge Shallan had never heard before.

What was done to you? Shallan wondered with horror. And who did it? (TWOK, 36, The Lesson)

Shallan can sense it. This is the point where Jasnah’s mask is at its most strong. She defends, calmly and rationally, what she had done. But I think at this point Shallan, and the reader, gets the sense that when Jasnah is her MOST logical and composed, she’s also her most vulnerable and emotional.

She does the same thing in the scene with Kaldin discussing the fates of the Heralds - yet we actually see later, not just through Shallan, the emotions, and the turmoil, and the direct, traumatic flashbacks Jasnah is experiencing in that moment. All covered up with logic and reason.

I think what Brandon is doing with Jasnah is really clever. Because I think media has conditioned us to accept these cold, aloof characters.

Characters who have become hardened to the world, and numbed by their experiences with violence and trauma. So we accept these things more readily as personality traits/a symptom of modern media.

I think especially with female characters. The "strong female character" who isn't allowed to cry lest she be called hysterical, who can't react to trauma or she's weak, who can't have an outburst of emotion or she's mad.

With Jasnah, I think Brandon is continuing to show how trauma expresses itself differently in different people. And I think, once explored more directly, Jasnah will become a condemnation of the easy acceptance/idealisation of these kinds of traits. What she’s doing is not okay. It’s not healthy. It’s as self-destructive as what Shallan, or Kaladin, or Dalinar was doing, we've just been conditioned to accept and even praise it.

Jasnah has so much pressure piled upon her to be perfect. She’s made an illusion so believable even those closest to her can’t see through it. She comes across as divine, as something other than human, as emotionless, and absolute. She’s become a constant in the world of those around her. She’s a law of nature more than a person - like a spren.

Except she’s not.

She’s human.

And she’s broken.

And she’s suffering a trauma that makes her afraid to be even a little bit human - because then they might think her mad again, and she’ll lose everything, and she can’t handle that.

I’m FASCINATED to see Jasnah’s interactions (if we get any on-screen) with Taln and Ash. It will probably give a big insight into her character, her relation to madness/her past illness, and I think it will bring out an interesting side of her, which I’m curious to see.

But I'm also really interested to see how Brandon explores the idea of the "ideal traumatised woman' and how that's absolutely bullshit and completely unhealthy.

Jasnah is, on the surface, everything men demand from a "strong female character". She's been exposed to trauma but she doesn't "let it define her" (ie she doesn't seemingly react to it at all). She's beautiful, and she's intelligent, she's a (literal) Queen, she's a fighter/skilled warrior, she's never "overly-emotional" - she reacts to trauma exactly as she's "supposed" to - as defined by men, she's the epitome of a stereotypical "strong female character".

Except there are obvious flaws in that ideal. The first one being: she does not exist for men. Fairly obviously. She point blank refuses a husband.

Also: it's been implied, as per this meta, that this is NOT an ideal anyone should aim for. It's actually very unhealthy and self-destructive and I really, REALLY hope that when Brandon finally digs into Jasnah that this is something he explores.

Jasnah is not perfect. She is not unbreakable, and invincible, and beyond emotion. And she shouldn't be. She shouldn't be idealised.

She's a person. A human being. And she should be able to express herself and process her trauma in a healthy way that allows her to heal and grow. She shouldn't be forced into anyone's ideal of who or what she should be.

I'm just...Really really excited for Jasnah's arc and what Brandon can say through her and the harmful tropes regarding women's trauma he can explore and god...can I just have the next six stormlight books now please?

[quiltwork]

How my traumatic childhood affected my sexuality

So I’m not entirely sure how to go about this, but I used to be gay and trans, and probably a so-called “gay Christian” if u can call it that. To be honest, my abusers were more of that title than I ever was. 

My history leading up to it was rough. When I was 11, I was sexually abused by 2 of my friends who were girls. They were 12 and 13, in middle school, while I was still in the 5th Grade. They wanted me to be quiet and hurry up, don’t tell anyone. No reason why. We slept together watching a sex toy infomercial. I never told my family out of fear I’d be rejected for being bad and disgusting, and be thrown out on the streets. These girls were popular at their school and I went to church with them whenever I spent the night with them in their town. Their friends hated me and would bully and exclude me when they came over for parties. I didn’t want to feel the grief of the sexual abuse that night so I told myself I would forget about it, and it actually happened. Amnesia set in, like it did for every other trauma.

By 12, I was emotionally neglected by my mom. She was busy with work, the house, my unstable abusive older sister, my grandpa, everything but me. I had no real friends so I stayed inside with my technology addiction. Tried grabbing mom’s attention with my interests, never worked. I would daydream that I was a lonely orphaned crying fairy under a waterfall, who was going to make friends the next day. I drew myself and tried to feel good about my developing body, that when I showed mom and my sister the picture, my sister, jealous of my body and any time I could talk to mom, shamed me for the way I drew my body. That it wasn’t good enough like hers, but she was an adult and I was a child. It culminated into another fight between her and mom, with mom almost losing a finger and running off to the hospital, leaving me with my suicidal sister attempting to take her life again. 

By 13, I was confused about my sexuality. Started liking girls and women and not knowing why. Tried telling mom about it, and she’d avoid the topic and tell me not to talk about it with anyone. An old friend who went to my birthday party developed a “crush” on me then. This friend was a Sophomore in high school, while I was a 7th Grader. She grew up in church and saw herself as a gay Christian. She knew my relationship with mom sucked, and told me, “I think I know you better than your mom does, sweetie..”. That was the beginning of her grooming. Of her dressing me up, doing my hair and makeup and taking me out. Teaching me ballroom dancing. Showing me gay pedophilic manga, how to ship same sex friendships in cartoons and anime. Pushing me to continue obsessing over an abusive gay pedophilic cartoon couple. Walking me over to the high school’s Gay-Straight Alliance Club. A Club run by a lesbian Christian woman completely cool with teaching her kids that it was alright to be sexually attracted to inanimate objects like tourist attractions, cars and probably animals. My grooming abuser basically taught me that God loved me and made me gay, so I should ignore those who are “hateful”. 

I came out by 14. There was a girl who was obviously bi curious who kept flirting with me, so I developed a love addiction for her. Did everything in my power to get her to date me, and when she eventually gave in, she started cheating on me with multiple guys. Didn’t know it was her doing it, so I fought them off, or tried to. I had to make sure she wouldn’t leave me, that no one would take her away, that her mom wouldn’t separate us or the school, or else I’d be all alone. She was hypersexual, so I did everything she wanted, even BDSM just to keep her. Even though I didn’t want to and it made me at times very uncomfortable and anxious and dissociative, I kind of liked it anyway. It was a trauma bond. It was what I was used to. 

At 15, I didn’t want to be a girl anymore and came out as a boy. I didn’t want to be doing anything sexual anymore either, so I was asexual. I very obviously was running away from my sexual abuse/grooming and the objectivity it placed on my female identity, but I thought starting my Freshman year anew was the best idea. My girlfriend began to back off after I finally told her I don’t think I can kiss and touch like this anymore, but I didn’t fully realize it. She wasn’t allowed at Homecoming, so my grooming abuser jumped at the chance to take me as her date without my consent. Only found out it was a date through the corsage via my cousin. My grooming abuser was now a Senior. I kicked off my high heels and ran away from the creepy dance floor of grinding bodies where she wanted me to be, and found my school friends and hung out with them until she found me, acting depressed and saying she was going home. My girlfriend avoided me to cheat in the bathrooms, even on my 16th birthday, so I broke up with her. 

2 other things: Our GSA Club went downtown for a vigil for dead gay kids, and my grooming abuser used it as an opportunity to dance with me at the square in front of everyone. She also got me to tell my “transgender testimony” to her class to try to brainwash them too, and it actually worked and I deeply regret it. I was her trophy she worked hard to win and would show me off and use me to further her agenda. 

At first I spend my 16th year depressed and subconsciously searching for a rebound. That rebound left me when I told her I was asexual, too. Then, I went crazy. Was I not good enough because I couldn’t make out and have sex? I tried a one night stand to prove my worth with a curious friend who decided at the last minute she couldn’t go through with it and left me there on the bed. I went home hating myself for being broken and not knowing why (amnesia), that I should give up on girls because I can’t make them happy. I became bitter at a world that only loved you for what you could give to it. I went into Fight mode, angry yelling and protesting at whoever and wherever I was. I dated a sweet boy who didn’t last long due to life’s circumstances so he had to move for his dying brother, dated an older guy who would avoid me or sleep on our couch. At this point, I saw myself as genderqueer and panromantic. 

On my 17th birthday, my grooming abuser came over unannounced. I wasn’t planning anything and frankly, didn’t want to be bothered. She would not stop pulling and tugging at me to go out with her, I kept saying no, and we went on this way for hours. Until at last she tried to guilt trip me, saying, “I just wanted to make you happy...” and left. I ran away from my abusive school to a career high school for my last 2 years, with a lab full of girls and one boy. I thought it was the best new experience I could try having the best friends I always wanted. They sort of liked me, until I let one of them know about my past. Then they immediately began to exclude and bully me in the halls. I stood up for myself, and they hated me and started glaring at me. After graduation when I turned 19, they started cyberbullying me for a year afterward. I became agoraphobic and lived in psychosis delusions that they were watching my every move and knew where I lived and would find me eventually. 

Within that first year out of school, God was calling me to Him. I’d always loved Him since before I could remember, so I went with the feeling. He called me to check into His Word about if being gay was actually alright, and I found out it wasn’t, and it shocked me. I couldn’t reconcile what I read with what I was taught, so I wrestled with it. Why was it bad, why why why? He didn’t give me the answers at first, he let me wrestle for a time.

On my 20th birthday, I drew gay shipping fanart, and that was the day the Holy Spirit held heavy on my heart that what I was doing was wrong. I felt oddly bad for what I did, so I went to Him with an idea: If He truly felt like it was a sin, then I asked Him to change me and I’d avoid all appearance of it for a while until then. If it wasn’t bad, I figured it wouldn’t go away. He would let it be because it wasn’t a problem, and I’d be okay with it. So I repented for 3 months, came back to check, and the feelings were gone. I saw beautiful women as creations of God, as my sisters. I saw those same sex friendships in cartoons and anime as just that, friendships. I was amazed, and eventually told God to reveal anything else I had been blind to, completely grateful for what He had done.

And He started to lift off all of my amnesia, leading me towards trauma and addiction recovery with Him 💕 So, if you haven’t heard it yet, that’s my story 😊

[skamofcolor]

i was wondering what your hopes are for shays season (assuming we get it)? ofc in relation to her being a lesbian but specially a black lesbian. do you think austin will do a good job of her season? and what would your dream american even be/look like? sorry if this is a lot but i’m just so desperate for my girls season hdhdhdj and id love to hear your thoughts.

Lol, this is a lot to talk about but I think I’m up for the challenge! 

FIRST and foremost, we WILL get Shay’s season, let us speak it into existence!!!!

Second... ugrtreyrtytrhrtu... I think Austin will only do Shay’s season with the kind of care and nuance it deserves if they hire lgbtq+ women of color, preferably Black lgbtq+ women, as the writers and most of the crew. That being said, do I think Austin will do a “bad” job with the crew they have? Not necessarily. My main concern is that they’ll think adapting Isak’s story (about a white, cis gay Norwegian boy) into Shay’s story (about a Black, cis lesbian Texan) is a simple matter of a copy and paste job. Yes, I think they did a decent job of adapting the OG into an U.S. context; I do like Austin and for the most part I think it’s fun to watch. My primary concern has been - as with all the Skams - how they treat their characters of color and those character’s ethnoracial and cultural background. I don’t think they’ve done a good job with that at all, and that’s where most of my critiques of Austin come from. My main concern with Shay is that they’ll try to do a “colorblind” adaptation and ignore how her being a Black woman cannot be separated from her being a lesbian. The fact that they cast a white girl as her (potential) Eskild makes me more anxious that they think that race isn’t that important when telling an lgbtq+ story. A Black lgbtq+ experience is nothing like a white one, and I’m worried that the writers (even if they’re lgbtq+) will be white and refuse to acknowledge or write in Shay’s ethnoracial identity in a meaningful way. Considering that her season will/could also be very closely tied to the Black church and mental illness in the Black community, I’m worried that instead of delving into these very specific communities, and the nuances that come with them, that they’ll ignore her Blackness altogether (like they did with Megan’s Latinidad). My concern is only heightened when thinking about how her best friends are two white dudes (tbh I don’t care that Tyler is Cuban and gay or that he might be white passing and not white). Shay needs Black girl friends and I doubt that’s going to happen between now and her season (though I am looking forward to her becoming friends with Zoya). 

Third, my dream American!Even would be a dark skinned Black, Muslim girl! I’m not sure if I want her style/presentation to be more hood femme or if she’s a stud, but either way she’s stylish af. She’s a dancer, probably trained in contemporary but also very much into hip hop. She can’t live without music, and her favorit genres are Afrobeat, dancehall, soca, trap, and hip hop. She loves the history and nuance of hip hop and how it can be really socially conscious but also just likes music that she can twerk to. She doesn’t feed into that respectability politics B.S. She’s also a photographer, and she’s been saving up for a really nice camera and possibly film, but for now she has a digital camera and/or shoots everything on her phone. She’s very much rooted in her community, and I see her living in a multi-generational household that is very loud but very loving; I’d adore it if we got to see more of her family than we usually do with the Evens. She has a big sister / older cousin who’s also lgbtq+ and teases her a lot but in a cute way and it’s obvious they’re very close. She and Zoya know each other because she’s best friends with American!Elias, and she and the American!Balloon Squad are all still super close. They hate that she experienced Trauma at her/their old school and had to redo senior year, but they’re all still best friends and they have her back no matter what. I would love for her to have a mixture of really dark and really goofy humor, like sometimes Shay can’t tell if she’s joking, but then other times she literally tells Dad Jokes and they’re so bad. She’s pretty devout in her faith but doesn’t necessarily pray five times a day or even everyday which used to make her mom sigh in resignation, but she’s consistently at the mosque on Fridays and goes to the local lgbtq+ Muslim community events so her mom doesn’t complain too much. She also goes to therapy once a week and tell her therapist all about Shay. The therapist is a nice enough liberal white lady who sometimes misses the mark pretty widely but American!Even makes due with what she has. American!Even is also very mischievous and loves to explore, her Instagram is full of all the photographs she takes as she goes around her neighborhood and Austin. Some of her photography idols are Joseph Rodriguez, Gordan Parks, and Carrie Mae Weems. Her sister/cousin teases her for almost getting caught trespassing cause that’s “white people shit,” but in a loving way, though her whole family has warned her about being careful as a young Black woman. She’s very open on a surface level and is friendly with most everyone, and it takes a lot of dedication and care to get her to open up on a deeper level. This... is already getting too long so I’ll stop with my headcanons here, LMAO.

I think that answered everything? grgtergteyhtyrt Overall... I just want Shay’s season to be fun and loving. I know the “Isak” season deals with a lot of heavy issues, but overall I just want to see two Black girls fall in love. And not make it feel like doing so has to be this huge hardship or struggle, you know? And I really want Black lgbtq+ women or other women of color in the writing room to make sure that this happens. I’m sure you can tell, lol, but I want Shay to have a Black ass season, not a season that ignores her race or acts like any love story she has is going to be the same as a white wlw indie flick. 

- mod Jennifer 

[problemsofabooknerd]

Recommending LGBTQIA+ SFF

Pride Day 5!

Check out the intro to my Pride project here.

Listen, I have a deep love for queer contemporary. I love a love story. But my truest love has always been fantasy, and it’s always a little bit harder to find LGBTQIA+ rep in SFF. I want my gays in space! In castles! On quests! And not just gays, of course. I want bi guys and gals, trans and enby folks, and ace peeps all across fantastical worlds. So, if you’re thinking along the same lines as me, check out the recommendations down below the cut. And at the end I’ll even add a quick list of some queer SFF on my personal TBR too!

Sci-Fi

The Abyss Surrounds Us by Emily Skrutskie (goodreads, amazon)

This book is about lesbian pirates and sea monsters. That is the end of my pitch. Seriously, if the sentence “lesbian pirates and sea monsters” doesn’t already have you hooked, I don’t know what to say, I will never be able to convince you of how incredible this book is. Plus, it’s the first in a duology so there’s even more to love. 

Not Your Sidekick by C.B. Lee (goodreads, amazon)

I already mentioned this book in my first post this month about books with a large cast of queer characters. If you like queer teens of color kicking ass and saving the world, this is the series for you. 

Dreadnought by April Daniels (goodreads, amazon)

What? You want more queer superhero stories? Not a problem. Dreadnought follows Dany, a trans girl who is still in the closet due to her transphobic and abusive family. Then the superhero Dreadnought dies at her feet, and Dany inherets all his powers - and the body she has always wanted. This duology deals with some darker aspects of being a superhero, and does have warnings for a LOT of transphobia (one of the villains is a terf and she’s really awful), but it’s excellent and ownvoices and I can’t recommend it enough. Plus Dany is a lesbian, and the second book has a f/f romance!

We Are the Ants by Shaun David Hutchinson (goodreads, amazon)

Henry has had a rough year. His boyfriend killed himself, his relationship with his brother has become even more strained, and his grandmother is rapidly remembering less and less. Oh, and also he’s abducted by aliens semi-regularly who tell him they’re going to destroy the world and he has the power to stop it. This one has big trigger warnings for depression, suicide, and attempted sexual assault, but it’s also a beautiful book about mental illness, complex family relationships, and love. 

Axiom: The Last Hope by Rachel Marie Pearcy (goodreads, amazon)

If you read a million dystopian books a few years ago when the genre was big, I’m sure you, like me, were missing out on queer dystopian. I am here to make your life better! Axiom is about a world in which every decision is made for you, until Ella falls off the beaten path and falls for her female roommate. It has all the tropes and high-intensity of a dystopian, plus a f/f romance that really strengthens the whole center of the novel.

Fantasy

Peter Darling by Austin Chant (goodreads, amazon)

Austin Chant is going to probably be on as many posts as I can manage this month, despite the fact that he only has three novellas, but I can’t help my love. Peter Darling is a sequel/retelling of Peter Pan wherein Peter is trans. He returns to Neverland after a ten year absence, and finds it even darker than he left it. This also features a m/m romance between Hook and Pan. Austin Chant owns my heart, that’s what you need to know. 

Caroline’s Heart by Austin Chant (goodreads, amazon)

What? Already another Austin Chant novella? Yeah, that seems like me. Caroline’s heart is a f/m romance, and it’s about trans folks falling in love. Cecily is a witch who lost her true love year ago, and is desperately trying to resurrect her. But when a cowboy in peril stumbles into her path, she has to decide if giving up the past is worth it to save a man she barely knows. This is super western, super queer, super historical, and super magical. It’s everything. 

Spellbook of the Lost and Found by Moira Fowley-Doyle (goodreads, amazon)

And speaking of queer magic, I have some more to share! Spellbook is set in a small town in Ireland and follows a variety of teenagers with intersecting stories and lives. One night at a party, a spell is cast and everyone wakes up the next day to find they have lost something. One of them also finds a spellbook that possibly has a way to bring everything back, and there is a part to play for every person in the group. There are three POV characters, two of whom are queer women. There are bisexual girls and a lesbian character, and f/f and f/m romances both happen. There are also POC and one of the bi girls is deaf in one ear. Plus it’s magical and odd and Irish and fabulous, as if that was not already evident in this description.

Amberlough by Lara Elena Donnelly (goodreads, amazon)

Amberlough is set in a an alternate 1930s-inspired world full of cabarets and a rising fascist regime. It follows Cyril, a spy, his lover Aristide, smuggler and emcee at the Bumble Bee Cabaret, and Cordelia, a Bumble Bee dancer. When Aristide’s life is threatened, Cyril is forced to turn against his government and his moral code to keep him safe. The worldbuilding in this one blows me away, and in general has an aesthetic that is unbeatable. Plus the sequel was just recently released! 

Every Heart a Doorway by Seanan McGuire (goodreads, amazon)

We always see the stories of children who wander through magical doorways, but what happens to them when they stumble back to our world and out of the place they feel like they belonged? In the Wayward Children series, it means you end up at Eleanor West’s Home For Wayward Children. This is a novella that deals with magical trauma and finding a way and a place to be your true self, and the entire series is incredible. This first one features and asexual protagonist and a trans side character, but the books afterwards always feature queer characters and magically heartbreaking stories. 

Wild Beauty by Anna-Marie McLemore (goodreads, amazon)

If you are looking for magical realism with cursed queer ladies, this is all you could ever possibly want. Wild Beauty is set in the lush gardens of La Pradera, where the women of the Nomeolvides family care for it every day. The women also have a curse: should any of them fall in love too deeply, the object of their affection will disappear. Then one day a mysterious boy appears in the garden with no memory of who he is. This is a story in which every single female character is bisexual, basically. It opens with all the cousins being in love with the same girl, and it’s magical and wonderful and about the traumas of colonialism and the power of family. Plus, all of the characters are Latinx. It’s excellent. 

High Fantasy

Of Fire and Stars by Audrey Coulthurst (goodreads, amazon)

A book about two princesses falling in love, which is basically all you need to know. I mean, there’s also the fact that one of them has the ability to control fire (despite the fact that magic is forbidden), or the fact that she is engaged to the prince and falls for his sister instead. Or! That there are so many horses and so much horse love it’s at times overwhelming! These are also good facts about Of Fire and Stars, but ultimately I know that all you all need to be told is that two princesses fall for each other and it is glorious. 

Girls Made of Snow and Glass by Melissa Bashardoust (goodreads, amazon)

I just did a full review of this yesterday, which I will link here. Basically this is a retelling of Snow White that focuses on the complex relationship between a princess and her stepmother. It’s super feminist, fascinating, and features a f/f relationship for the Snow White character. Read it immediately, I’m begging you.

And that’s the end of my list! But if you’re looking for some more, my TBR currently includes The Long Way to a Small Angry Planet by Becky Chambers, Reign of the Fallen by Sarah Glenn Marsh, Passing Strange by Ellen Klages, Otherbound by Corinne Duyvis, Hullmetal Girls by Emily Skrutskie, and Santa Olivia by Jacqueline Carey. Ok, your TBR should be good and stuffed with queer SFF now, so I’ll wrap up here. And check back tomorrow if you want to hear all the little details of my personal sexuality journey!

[his-naughty-little-kitten]

Hi there! I have a genuine q. Why do you most kuro fans believe Seb and Ciel are in an intimate relationship (that's not shown explicitly to readers)? I get all the fanservice (fangirl over it tbh), but the kid -freaks- when others touch him. It's even happened with Sebastian. Yana sensei hints the cult assaulted him so all the 'don't touch me!' moments stem from that. With Ciel's visible trauma, I'm kinda scratching my head why so many people legitimately think Ciel wants to do his butler?

Hello, Anon ~

Wow, that’s a very interesting question! However, I’m afraid Icannot speak for the whole fandom, so I can only give you my personal opinion.

Definitely, one of the things that encourage theshipping is the fanservice. Yaoi fans are naturally attracted to series withtwo male leads, and shippers of any kind will always start shipping charactersthat spend a lot of time together, have a close relationship and make a lot ofphysical contact, as those are the things that lead to a strong bond (romanticor otherwise) in real life. So if you add some nearly sexual situations,suggestive comments and a certain amount of possessiveness, what you got is(something resembling) a relationship. It’s only natural that the fans ship it. Yet, I can seeyou’re hintingsomething deeper than a platonic relationship and, while I’m not one ofthose who believe that they fuck behind closed doors, there are severalin-canon reasons why such a thing wouldn’t be so unlikely.

1.- Sebastian’s character

Sebastianis portrayed in the manga as a very seductive human as well as a sinful demon.He’s what one would call a ‘lady-killer’, though it’s been made obvious throughthe manga that is not only ‘ladies’ that he’s interested in. We know he’s anexperienced seducer, but does he have any preferences?

Yana addressed this topic in a post she called “Sebastian’s favoritetype” (  http://akumadeenglish.tumblr.com/post/127400149717/sebastians-favourite-type ) and we were told that, when it comes to sex,Sebastian does not care about gender or age - a curious answerthat I believe is a subtle way of addressing the controversial topic aboutSebastian and Ciel age difference - and when having a long-term human partnerhe seeks an outstanding beauty as well as a high class soul, and the authormentions Ciel having those qualities. So we can deduce something from this;Sebastian likes Ciel. Maybe not romantically, as we know demons can’t love thesame way humans do, but there’s definitely some attraction beyond mere curiosity.Sebastian chose Ciel and he did so very carefully. This is not fanservice, butrather, a part of the character’s development, a confirmed canon fact.  

Apart from that, we’ve seen Sebastian caring for Ciel many times in a muchdeeper fashion than the mere “omg, I’ll lose my breakfast!” I can’t list all themoments in which this is shown because there are many, but another bloggeralready did something similar. (See it here - http://rabid-bunny.tumblr.com/post/144133678003/i-was-wondering-do-you-think-sebastian-and-ciel)

So, we have attraction + care. Maybe that isn’t enough tosay that he loves Ciel, but for a demon, I’d say it’s close enough, so the ‘Seba’ part ofSebciel is definitely not unrealistic. Now we only have to prove that Ciel isjust as willing as Sebastian is.

2.- Ciel’s character

Manga is a somewhat strict comic type. It followscertain guidelines and tropes that, while not mandatory, are to a certainextent what makes manga to be identified as manga. Those guidelines ofteninclude certain character archetypes. Think, for example, of a shonenprotagonist or a shojo heroine. And I’m sure that, when you think of other shonenprotagonists, Ciel seems kind of out of place. Well, that’s because Cielis a shota.

Shota is a manga genre that showcases underaged boysin sexual situations. And while it may seem controversial to the eyes of awestern reader, shota is a genre Yana is familiar with.

(Image - To the left, a shota boy as portrayed in one of Yana’s previous works, Glamorous Lip. To the right, Ciel in a famous manga scene.)

That alone is enough to justify the possible sexualinterpretations of many of the scenes she has drawn, as they are not innocentlydone. The author knows very well what she’s writing about and she purposely teases the reader.But, as you say, Ciel is a character that has never shown any sexualinclination through the series, be it due to a traumatic past experience orsimply to his young age.  

Ciel’s sexuality is a very interesting topic itself and I’d gladlydedicate a whole post to it alone, but I’ll summarize or this will be too long; Ciel isdefinitely knowledgeable about sex, whether he likes it or not. He isn’t innocent, asmany readers claim him to be. (“I’m already a ‘lady’” – vol. 02 ch. 07 – Ciel, when asked if he was tooyoung for “that pleasurable thing”.)

He’s also old enough in his universe, regardlessof realism on that matter, as other characters are already exposed to sexualityat his age or even younger (Siegleinde, Alois, Joan…) Yet he’s definitely notstraight.

Hehas expressed his disinterest in girls, women and marriage several times (“I don’thave time to associate with little girls”, vol. 01, ch. 02) and, while it maybe arguable that he has also refused his many male suitors (aka, asexuality),he didn’t hesitate when he had to use his ‘charm’ to seduce a man (ViscountDruitt, Edgard Redmond). He’s also been portrayed in many overly sexualizedscenes regarding men and, in fact, he also doesn’t get much female attention unlessthe eventual “aww, so cute…”, and the exception of Lizzy, his cousin, and Nina,the lesbian character, which suggests that the author is hinting the characteras homosexual. 

Butthis alone doesn’t solve the problem of his fear. Ciel was probably abused,most likely by men, and he fears intrusive adults and intimate touches. Yet hedoesn’t seem to fear Sebastian’s touch, however. Yes, there was a moment inwhich he did, confused as he was in his illness, mixing reality with hallucinations.It wasn’t Sebastian who he feared, but rather the man his eyes were seeing.

(Image - Hallucination vs reality; vol.19 ch. 90)

All the other times, he seems quite comfortable withit, including intimate touch. In fact, they initiate physical touch with eachother all the time. But, as for whether that’s enough to overcome Ciel’s phobia, that’s open for interpretation.

3.- The very own nature of demons and the contract

Thestory of Kuroshitsuji is a tale of lust. Sebastian lusts for Ciel. He desireshim. He’s possessive and doesn’t let anyone else threaten what’s his. (“The simple fact that someone other than I touches the Young Master disgusts me enough” - Sebastian in the 6th episode of the second anime season) He enjoys making him lookbeautiful (see “Sebastian’s favorite type” again). He takes delight fromripping off his clothes (refer to the CD Drama of pure, unadulteratedfanservice - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H9vTgzWL41U  ) And more than anything he seeks to defilethe boy in every possible way. The more the boys sins, the richer his soulbecomes. And it is also a matter of pride. Sebastian is a sinful creature. Andhe’s never refused. Or he wasn’t — That’s is, until he met Ciel. Becauseno matter what he does, he never gets his Master’s approval. He keeps getting rejected.But he is perfection, so why is this? 

Sometimes it looks like Ciel truly despises Sebastian.He belittles him, disrespects him and turns down any sign of affection. Onemight even think that they don’t even get along. But it’s not like it. Those around them can clearly see thatCiel trusts, needs and loves (romantically or not) Sebastian (vol 09, ch. 41)Still, the young earl is prideful and doesn’t show it. And Yana herself wrote yet anotherbeautiful post talking about this ( http://akumadeenglish.tumblr.com/post/110896308729/difference-between-alois-and-ciel-as-seen-by-yana ). It may not seem so interesting for those who don’t take theanime as canon, as it is a comparison between Ciel and Alois, but it definitelysheds some light to Sebastian and Ciel canon relationship, and it is indeed oneof Addiction vs Rejection.

“However manysweet candies ‘he’ gives me, Imust not be addicted to ‘him’.For 'he’ is not ahuman, but a beast.”

It shows Alois as the ‘weak’ part. The onewho surrenders, who falls into temptation. “Say that you love me” it’s one of hisquotes from the anime. It is very intense, in my opinion. Yet, that issomething we will never hear Ciel say to his demon, is it? That’s because Cielis portrayed as the one who doesn’t give in. He refuses temptation. He refusesSebastian. He will not let him be in control. But he does so only because hedoesn’t want thedemon to take advantage, not because he doesn’t enjoy it.

So, while I don’t believe that Ciel and Sebastian had ever had, sex, I’ll cite aquote that I like a lot, and it says “the Devil’s voice is sweet to hear”. So, those who believe that they did, are simplyassuming that Ciel gave in, that he surrendered to temptation. It is not aridiculous assumption, as such a thing is, in fact, a strong plot device ofKuroshitsuji. I can see how temptation could easily overpower fear. After all,Sebastian (or any other demon) is the incarnation of his Master’s desires. Hewould know what to say, where to touch… He would go asslowly as he needs, and whisper all the things Ciel yearns to hear. He wouldcomfort him, just like he always do when Ciel dreams about the things thathappened to him.

Somepeople believe that Sebastian and Ciel’s relationship would be one of abuse(well, what kind of relationship do you expect to have with a demon??), yetultimately it’s all to Ciel’s choice. Sebastian is just a dog on a leash.

So as to finally answer your question, I don’t believe thatCiel wants to do his butler, but rather, his butler wants to do him and it’s left to thereaders’ interpretation whether or not he will be able to do so.