#and my brain isn't used to the lack of dopamine

[tikki-tok]

Whenever the depression chooses to rear its ugly head, it always shows up with a briefcase full of yearning that I DID NOT ASK FOR like NO bitch you will NOT cope with the stress of doing the dishes by dreaming of men you will DO THOSE DAMN DISHES

[tobiasdrake]

What's the best depiction of/metaphor for addiction you've seen in fiction?

I don't know if I'd call it the best; I have a hard time remembering all of the media I've consumed when given general questions like that. But the one that stands out most in my mind, at least, is Willow Rosenberg's four-season decline into overdependence and eventual substance abuse of magic in Buffy: The Vampire Slayer.

A point I really like about the way BTVS handles addiction is that it doesn't blame the substance. The message isn't, "Magic is bad for you; It makes you an addict." The problem is never magic, and we see other characters both using magic responsibly and confronting Willow for the way she uses it throughout the series.

The problem, the message that BTVS conveys through Willow's addiction plotline, is addiction. The problem with addiction is addiction. You can be addicted to all kinds of things, not just controlled substances like drugs and alcohol. Caffeine can be addictive. Sugar. Video games. Fast food. Gambling. Sex. The internet. Money. Whatever gives your brain that dopamine hit that makes life worth living, that can form an addiction.

The problem in BTVS isn't magic. It's Willow's dependency on it. The way she makes it her personality, replacing who she was before. The way she leans on it as a crutch whenever things are physically or emotionally difficult. The way it substitutes for her lack of self-esteem, validating her with an artificial confidence boost by making her feel powerful and uniquely capable.

It starts in season two, with Willow casting her very first spell in the season finale to restore Angel's soul. Giles warns her then and there that casting this spell will "open a door that you may never be able to close". She doesn't really know what that means and neither do we.

But from season three onwards as Willow begins to learn about magic, we see her constantly turning to magic whenever things get hard - against advisement from the rest of the cast. People think the addiction storyline began somewhere in season six, but it actually began in episode 03x08 "Lovers Walk".

Willow and Xander, at this point, had begun cheating on their boy/girlfriends Oz and Cordelia with each other. Willow feels intensely guilty for it. At this point, they have three options in front of them:

1 - Break up with Oz and Cordelia, and get together. 2 - Do a better job of controlling their attaction to one another and remain faithful to their partners. 3 - See if Oz and Cordelia would be up for a polycule.

Willow decides to take a fourth option: She decides unilaterally that she should cast an anti-love spell on herself and Xander to magically erase their feelings for one another. She doesn't even consult him on it; In fact, she actively lies to him to keep him from realizing what she's doing.

She's put in a difficult but relatable situation; This is her first time having to make a choice between two people she's interested in. It's a situation where she needs to figure out what she wants for herself. And her response is "I can lobotomize us with magic".

It's gonna be a bumpy ride from here. This is Willow's chief character flaw. When things are hard either physically or emotionally, she leans on magic - Whether it's appropriate or not. Something that both Giles and Tara criticize her for as the seasons progress, to which her response is to sneak around behind their backs and do spells without their knowing - Such as trying to curse Oz after their breakup or giving Dawn guidance to perform an ill-advised resurrection spell on her mom.

Again, the problem is never that she does magic. Magic is shown to be tremendously useful in making the impossible possible. The problem is that she keeps leaping to extreme gestures of magic to do what was already possible. That she uses it as an emotional crutch, as a surrogate for her own self-esteem.

Magic makes her feel powerful. It makes her feel valid. That's something she didn't have before she had magic, and something she doesn't have when she isn't using magic. So she overindulges and rides the high of being able to crinkle her nose and make party favors go up, or stab a god with knives, or make anyone she loses come back to life because she is Willow Almighty and magic has made her omnipotent.

She likes being Willow Almighty. It's an awful lot better than Willow the Put-Upon Nerd. So she lets an otherwise benign activity become her entire personality, and she is made worse because of it.

[madamlaydebug]

What does it mean to-->

A W A K E N?

One often observes these phrases burgeoning as spiritual lingo- "my awakening happened in xyx year" or ... "Ever since my Kundalini awakened on that exact day" or... some people mention in their bio- "woke up in xyz year".

What do they mean by that?

And how does one know if one has woken up or not?

Anybody who uses the above clearly doesn't know it and by the sheer display of that, they are doing a service to all by revealing that they lack the necessary depth to fathom this. And those who believe such, fall for it, are a vibrational match to that energy (so none is to blame) and hence they will come together as a unit to discuss these topics at the level of Consciousness that they can grasp and understand.

It only gets messy when one develops a spiritual righteousness about it and then looks down upon those who "have not woken up" in their eyes. Again, as all of existence is perfect as is, they will bite the bullet of their own creation and concoct a timeline that corrects the course for them sooner or later.

Now if one finds oneself attracted to that type of new age spiritual content then there is nothing wrong with it, atleast it gets them to talk about spirit instead of just being comfortable with the illusion of the dense material reality.

For the time being, what helps is this clarity- when one says they woke up in a certain year it actually means that the journey of self-study and self-inquiry was triggered for them by one or more marked events that point to a time period in their lives. It doesn't have to be painful, although it usually is.

As for how to know who has woken up? You CAN NEVER KNOW as an Enlightened being is under no obligation to act or behave a certain way that will fetch them respect over their "achievement" because they truly recognize that it isn't one. If anything, it is...

a STROKE OF MERCY

Physically, its liberation from the limbic system due to decalcified Pineal Gland in the brain. Dopamine/Serotonin/Oxytocin/Endorphin dependency gone forever --FREEDOM

[alpaca-clouds]

Media Literacy... It's kinda sad, right?

Matrix isn't exactly a subtle movie, right? It is anything but subtle, in fact. Sure, if you do not know a thing about trans people, the entire trans metaphor will fly right over your head. But the capitalism metaphor? That one kinda slaps you in the face.

Yet, I have spoken with so many people, who were unable to see it. In fact, I have spoken to so many people who were of the firm believe that the movie was somehow about the dangers of communism. Including this one dude, who reacted to my comment of "actually, the directors said it is about capitalism" with: "Then the directors have not understood their own movies."

And it is kinda a thing. A lot of people absolutely do lack media literacy. There are people who will watch "Team America" and come out thinking that it is a pro-America movie, for fuck's sake! (Not that I hold the highest opinion of that movie, but most certainly not for the valid criticism about America that it has.)

It is starting to kinda become a problem, right? Because for many people media just gets consumed without a second thought. Which includes news media. It just gets consumed as is, without any questioning of who made the media and what might be their intention with it. And make no mistake: Even news media is created with intentions further than "inform people of what is happening in the world right now". And because everyone is lacking that media literacy they so easily fall for both propaganda and conspiracy theories.

And oh boy, our media is filled with propaganda. Other than what some paranoid folks might tell you it is not propaganda to turn the kids gay, but rather to create "us vs them" narratives.

I always come back to the MCU and the entire pro-state, pro status quo, pro-America shit going on there. But talk to people about it and they will look at you as if you were speaking Latin.

I mean, I cannot blame anyone for just consuming. Because life is hard. Life sucks. And just turning your brain off to let some 200 million dollar movie give you some dopamine sounds like a fun thing to do.

But... It also is frightening to me. Because of those subtle messages that get thrown in there.

I don't know. It is all... hard.

[venacoeurva]

People on my dash discussing this hence it's on my mind,

There are serious social and legal implications of minors participating and accessing adult spaces, the problem is kids are still pretty self-absorbed and selfish and lacking true comprehension of external consequences in that underdeveloped brain sort of way (even the nicest, most considerate and critical-thinking kids are going to be this way to some degree, it's not an insult) to grasp that. Normal adults feel violated and gross when catching a kid interacting with their adult art and so on. Kids do not comprehend it can be a massive life-ruining legal issue too (which most minors cannot grasp because again, still underdeveloped brain type of self-absorbed lack of understanding of consequences. Also kids usually don't understand the legal system. It sounds harsh and insulting but that's how it IS. I remember being that way, myself). Adults who are happy that or at the least enabling minors being in adult spaces is a RED FLAG.

Making adult spaces and blogs and sites have warnings, entering your age, big 18+ and 21+ warnings and so on is a thing, even if it won't stop everyone--some kids will be scared off from encroaching, though, thinking that accessing these pages while a minor and lying that they're an adult on the clickthrough warning will contact the police or something. We know it's not stopping everyone, but at the very least we're doing the most we can to save our asses short of carding everyone, which isn't the most reliable method, either. I feel like the inconvenience of having to enter birthdays or click through warnings may also annoy some kids into leaving, given the instant-dopamine, constant stimuli type internet these days kids are used to (and negatively cognitively affected by, I'm sure...) versus the "waiting 20 minutes for a JPEG to load" internet of old that required patience no matter what.

But for real, being a minor in an adult space can fuck you up, and it's just sad and scary how kids don't even realize this until it's years too late and/or they end up in some real dire situations because of it-- and even then, they probably won't realize the weight of the situation until later (if they're still alive, given the risk of kidnapping, stalking, or committing suicide if it reaches that level, especially if the site or victim and predator are local). How many of us adults look back in retrospect and shudder at what could have happened, or what did? I feel like most adults who had access to the internet as kids, especially in the 90s and 00s, went somewhere they weren't supposed to go, and a lot of us who weren't just lurking had a similar experience of running into adults with bad intentions once they sniffed out the kids being active there. A good amount of us became desensitized to things on shock sites, too, which is for sure not good for us, psychologically.

I mean, hell, thinking about it, teenagers and tweens can't even really access kids-only spaces anymore since a lot of those shut down or are heavily monetized, and of course either adults are just gonna kind of take it over if it gets popular and want the kids (who were there first) gone, or predators are going to specifically enter those spaces to croon at some poor kid how mature and smart they are and they should talk on Discord and that whole process. It's not a new thing, but it definitely continues. It's like as valuable as a resource it is, the internet is gonna fuck kids up no matter what, even if they stay in spaces meant for them, that are supposed to be moderated and protecting them, and a lot of kids have parents who do not care, do not check in on what younger kids are accessing and not noticing any sudden behavioral changes, or will punish them for "letting that happen", and that's utterly terrible.

[crazykuroneko]

Rewind the Tape — IWTV S1E04 Rewatch

Finally, I'm back with my rewatch for @iwtvfanevents after having to microdosing Ep 4 because of limited time, mood, and I just fell unconscious once I hit my bed. Again, FYI from before: this is my first time rewatching the show (excluding indirect watch through YouTube reactions), and its purpose for me to refresh my mind and noticing things. So, I won't dwell on certain ongoing or past theories, but I'll take notes about the possibilities I notice as the rewatch goes for myself. Also, disclaimer, because I've had people put words into my mouth before: When I'm assuming the reason a certain character does what they do, it's not to give them an excuse. It's my way of trying to understand what the writers have in their minds. For me, if the action of a character doesn't make sense in that character's eyes, based on their personality, then it's bad writing.

Okay, that's long enough. Be careful with the S2 spoiler alerts. Time to meet ✨ Claudia✨

• It's been 10 years since Daniel published a book and his publisher seems questioning his ability to write a book.

• Armand barely gets any sunlight here.

• *Googling* Levodopa is used to reduce Parkinson's symptoms, like tremors, stiffness, and slowness, which are caused by lack of dopamine. It works by being converted to dopamine in brain.

• "Electronic mailbox" Armand, you're so funny.

• Resting? Wait, have they ever did an interview during mornings before? Ep 1, it's night. Ep 2, during dinner time to late at night. Okay, it seems Ep 3 starts in the day to night. Gonna pay attention to this more. 

• The interior designer is a woman. "Louis is missing the 'natural' world" What tree is that again? I'm bad with plants.

• Claudia wrote her name and the year on her first diary. Cute. (But ofc she probably stopped doing that after Loustat read her diaries)

• They arrived in Paris November 14, 1945. A week after Lestat's birthday, fyi. There's a headcanon Armand's (it seems people got it from a wikia, which was taken from an official calendar, but no one has checked that calendar) is November 11. 

• They're in Ploiesti in 1941, eating POWs.

• My caption doesn't write it, but Lestat says, "Impossible. Elle est trop jeune." (She's too young) Oh, Louis 😔

• "I just need her not to die". And Lestat probably recalled Louis crying on their bed over not able to have a child, and there they went to doom themselves and Claudia. Anything (because unlike Louis, he knows all the consequences) to keep Louis happy AND stay with him. 

• The contrast between Louis' and Claudia's transformation. Lestat doesn't let her to drink much, just enough to turn her. There's no gentleness or anything when Lestat holds her. In fact, the camera stays on his rough hold, highlighting the ugliness of it. Isn't in the books being turned without consent seen akin to rape? 

• "Hell demons" lol. I wonder when she got his first diary and when she arrived at that conclusion. 

• "It's my new house?" "It is if you want it to be" as if she has another option. Louis, you're so funny. 

• Delaying to tell Claudia that she needs to feed on humans. Telling her there's another "choice" than eating humans. Expecting Claudia to feel regret the next day after killing a human. Louis, stop putting your own feelings in her.

• "He has to relay on my words to understand me. Just like humans." "We are a family?" Monsters who have to keep a bit of humanity to get along, who are also playing house like humans.

• You could tell Lestat is already sensitive about being left out in the telepathic conversation since the beginning.

• Claudia witnessing queer relationship for the first time is so amusing lol

• Claudia says ACAB 😌

• This scene doesn't feel "smooth" to me. I don't know if it's the editing or the writing. First, that last line by the cop is too long for such a short action. Second, i think they could pick a better intonation for "not a cop" there. Plus, the placement makes it feel like they almost forgot to put it. 

• Claudia needs twice amount of blood than Loustat. She's still energetic when the sleep time comes. Noted. 

• "Kill juice" Lestat and Claudia are bonding over vampirism.

• "Have you seen my slippers?" "Under the chair by the window" The domesticity uwu.

• The lines about Lestat talking about Claudia's writing habit are so witty when you remember he canonly writes the Vampire Chronicles books. A platonic kiss for IWTV writers again.

• Claudia's new coffin is called The Feathered Nest. A call back to Louis saying him in Lestat's nest in Ep 2. 

• Since the beginning, Claudia likes to ask and figure out things that she doesn't know, while Louis won't say anything to not rock the boat.

• "We try to accustom her to the thought of coming home to God" Oh gosh, Louis is so bad at lying 😭

• Okay, seriously. We know in Ep 2, after Louis is just turned that /at least/ his sight and hearing becomes more sensitive. And in this episode, Claudia can smell the cop's blood from afar. But this lore doesn't consistent with the stinky bodies at their home in Ep 5 and the fact Claudia can stalk Lestat many times (and ofc Claudia and Louis at Antoinette's place in Ep 6 as well). This uncontinuity gives me a headache. OR after they manage to control their senses (Lestat's saying "focus on my voice, a single strain"), their senses basically become normal and only can do more when they willing it? I'm trying to make sense of it here.

• "I miss sleeping with you." So, in good days, they sleep together in Louis' coffin. They /probably/ haven't been doing it since Antoinette thing started (I mean, I wouldn't). That's 8 months. (The sanctioned infidelity narration is on Feb 1917, Claudia started to write her diary in late Sept 1917 and she still sleeps with Louis by that time. Based on this timeline)

• "Sometimes, you gotta be careful where you dig, you understand?" Not to fast forward to S2, but this sounds so ominous. 

• Louis in the night with this pink striped shirt 🥰

• "Is that what he's up to when he goes out alone?" No wonder stalking Lestat is the first thing she does after Charlie. 

• Do I believe Louis' answer is true? I do, because writing-wise, I don't see there's any reason for Lestat to cheat (as in having a relationship with someone else, because I could see him still making out with humans before eating them) when they keep spending their time together except when Lestat is hunting and Louis and Claudia go out together like in this scene. Plus, unlike in Ep 6, during this era Claudia still follows the no telepathic talking rule. (See: Claudia's "I'll tell Uncle Les you talk to me this way" later) Something, I assume, makes Lestat feel alienated from the two and goes to cheat to find a connection with another on his own. But I digress.

• "Used to caught up in human affairs. Then you."

• Okay, at least Daniel waits Armand to finish his sunnah prayer before interrupting him, though Armand should continue doing his Ashr prayer soon. Anyway, i wish they used adhan that's clearer. I mean, I could only listen the beginning of each phrase, not the end.

• Claudia throwing a thing at Lestat and he barely reacted and proceed to pick it off the floor right away. For a period of time, Claudia is indeed the queen in that house. "This was given to me by a marquis..." If that's from Lestat's father, which makes that a family heirloom, and he gave that to Claudia. That means big for a Provider man like Lestat. (hashtag me and Lestat loved Claudia once propaganda) They are supposed to have 6 years of "good time".

• "When they can't (figuring out their problems), I can always get between them and make it right." Claudia is literally a band-aid. I suppose she helps them communicating because as I said in previous episodes, Loustat tend to not address the real problem, just shift to something that will make them feel better and forget it until it comes up again.

• *S2 spoiler alert* No, never think about how Claudia's interest in acting probably grew from the times Loustat bringing her to watch picture shows and Lestat acting them out in front of them. And in the end, it's what makes her fall into the trap of the troupe easier in S2. No, we're fine.

• "Know what her last words are?" I love her psychopath side, obsessing over last words after being called a devil in one.

• Oh, Grace's inflection when saying "uncle". They have heard a lot of homophobic jabber and satanic accusations from Florence over the years, no doubt. 

• This is from Claudia's POV, so it's interesting how she's paying attention and remembers to write it down. 

• Louis really has put down his dutiful son and brother "hat" after having a family himself.

• I think this is probably the last time Claudia admits she has a lot in common with Lestat *insert xie lian's idk whether i have to cry or laugh here*

• That scene of Claudia eating the guy is so classic horror, complete with the blood splatter on glass. Love.

• Lestat really brings her to Lovers' Lane without thinking about the effects. He probably thinks because her appetite stays big like a kid, her mind will stay like that forever. 

• "I don't remember buying that outfit" Lestat bought all Claudia's outfits ofc. (I don't regard interviews as part of canon, but Sam did say that Louis chose Claudia's outfits)

• My theory: Lestat could notice when Claudia and Louis telepathically speaking if he pays attention to their expressions. I mean, he clearly has a thing for being alienated by telepathic connection (for a good reason, if they adapt that part of the book, cmiiw), so it makes sense if he just can tell. 

• THE HORSE IS CALLED BELLA LOL

• She really has a crush on the first good man she meets. So adorable, if not for her monologue 

• She knocks the railing every time she walks towards Loustat's room? Oh I would like to know the backstory that causes this rule/habit 👀. But if it's a rule, it's an interesting when you recall Lestat's "Child. Intervening the romance of the parents" or something like that in Ep 6.

• Waiting on balcony just like her father in Ep 1. The writers are strong with their "Evil of my evil" propaganda.

• Claudia figures out how to block people's thoughts since teenager. Louis has never had a reason to do it

• Again, Claudia is such a curious girl. She dives right in with Charlie

• Sorry, but the editing in this episode is kinda sloppy. I keep noticing things 😭

• This connection Claudia has with last words. It's been awhile but I wonder if we'll get to see it again. *S2 spoiler alert* Perhaps Madeleine says something to her before you-know-what. Or Claudia says something to Louis instead. I just love patterns yknow. 

• Daniel Hart is just slaying in the background with his music. 

• Vampires feel "loose" when they're aroused, which leads to become very bitey.

• That's why she goes to find out how vampirism works right away. Suddenly Lestat can't do what he did to her. She realizes she knows nothing about her current life

• That scene of Lestat and Claudia at the incinerator... Past Louis doesn't know they're burning Charlie and what exactly what Lestat says there. Imagine reading the latter in her diary.

• The transition from Lestat's whole speech about not being close to a mortal to Daniel 🤌🤌🤌

• If Daniel is true that Louis has had all of the diaries in '70s, so my guess Louis doesn't look fine at all in the flashback is right. He's "wearing hats" again.

• I wonder what Louis wanted to say. But knowing him and judging from his reaction to Daniel's brashness, it's something that sugarcoats  Claudia's position in their "family"

• The way Claudia knocks the railing but then it goes weaker, she doesn't really care about the houserules or childish habits anymore 

• The last scene is a nice hint/nod to you-know-what, but also I once read someone saying that what she does is the equivalent of a teenager doing self-harming when they're depressed, and I can't unsee that anymore. I think that's a spot-on.

• This is the last episode we hear "In Throes in Increasing Wonder" as a closing music btw. You know, the music that represent Loustat's love. They really say we're going downhill 

Summary:

For the previous episodes, I always finished my rewatch and tried to figure out what theme of that episode. Of course it's always about Louis because this is Louis' season first and foremost. But for the theme of this episode, I think it's: Louis' first meeting with Claudia and the first time he has failed her. The first part is obvious, the second part, like I said above, Louis only finds how far Lestat's action is to Claudia after he reads her diaries later. I think, he sees that as his first failure to her; unable to stop Lestat making it worse for her.  And we will see Claudia criticize this more in Ep 6.

This episodes also shows Louis' misconception about Claudia. He expects Claudia to react the same way to vampirism as he is. And we will see more of this in the later episodes (but of course the most obvious one is in Ep 7)

This episode is in Claudia's POV, but I like to call it "the closest thing to ideal life Louis has ever gotten", at least until Charlie happens. Like Lestat says in the church scene, Louis wears a lot of "hats": being the good son and good executive in charge of their fortune for his family, being the good straight man, being the good savvy businessman for his family and his own people, and later being a good vampire for Lestat. This time, he gets to take most of them, if not all, off and focus himself wholly on Claudia and Lestat, his family. He says himself, Claudia's existense silences all the noise, chaos, the crisis of his former existence. He has a daughter who has literal telepathic connection to him, someone who can know what he feels without saying anything. Someone by whom he doesn't feel being judged because he can know what she thinks. He has a husband who spends most of his time with them as a family. Who takes their daughter together to shop, Louis choosing the stuffs, Lestat paying for it. Who protects their family when they need to fulfill their daughter's needs (see: the buying coffin scene). Who also has a quality time with their daughter, even though it's mostly about killing humans. Unfortunately, it's rigged to burn, because Claudia won't be a child forever despite her body, outgrowning the very particular role Loustat need from her to maintain their play house.

Oh, I almost forgot, I wonder what the arrangement is with Louis' diet during this happy period. He doesn't do as much action as he did in previous episodes and we do see him eating animals still, but it looks like his sex life is thriving. He has control over his emotions pretty well. So, I assume he doesn't starve himself completely. At least, not as bad as he did before. Perhaps, this is one of the problems Claudia says she has "to smooth out". Though we know later she has never said directly to Louis how she actually doesn't completely agree with his diet choice from Episode 7. *S2 spoiler alert* And we know he later decides to eat human every other day to survive their European trip. My long time theory is Lestat manipulates him into drinking from him at least once a week as a solution. (and that's why he's more powerful than his book counterpart when he's not completely starving himself) 🤔

By the way, since this is the middle of the season, I'd like to say I think this is overall my least favorite episode so far. Mostly from the technical side, but I still love how they sprinkle hints of Claudia's own personality. I think my most favorite episode overall is Ep 1. I just love how their built Louis' personality in it. The performance is crazy, and the directing set the tone of the rest of the season. The directing in Ep 3 is top notch as well, especially towards the end. You really could feel the growing tension. The writing weaving all this history and race problem into Louis' personal life is genius as well.

[maitaiwiththecorpses]

i have been crying on and off for the past twelve hours because no one wants to play with my hair.

In this essay, I will explain to you why starving someone with adhd of physical touch is SO detrimental.

HA

YOU THOUGHT I WASN'T GOING TO WRITE THE ESSAY HUH

WELL HERE IT IS BITCHES

People with adhd suffer from what is commonly known as 'object impermanence'. This being the case, it kinda narrows down our potential list of love languages (btw this is by no way all encompassing to the adhd community, but this is based off both personal experience and a lot of research) Soooo that leaves us with words of affirmation, quality time, and physical touch. And you know what goes hand in hand? Quality time and physical touch. SO for the purpose of this essay/dissertation/rant, we're going to consider those as one and the same (yes i am completely aware how different they can be BUT FOR THE PURPOSE OF THIS ESSAY-). Take words of affirmation away- those go away pretty quickly anyway- and you're basically left with physical touch.

If you deprive someone who REGULARLY and CHRONICALLY lacks dopamine, the chemical needed in order for their brain and body to function, be happy, basically be human, and then deprive them of the medium in which they prefer to experience affection in, I'll be damned if they're NOT crying non stop for the next twelve hours only to go numb from the overstimulation and raging swells of emotion. Not to mention, rejection sensitivity dysphoria, or RSD, is SUPER common with people who have adhd and is kinda hard to combat once they're already in a swing of dysphoria, so when you 'reject' them (deprive them of their affection) you're basically telling them, "nope, you're lying to me about your needs, you don't need this affection right now, or ever, and you're just a clingy little bitch."

Ahem.

Of course, it's completely understandable when the person who is supposed to be physical with the adhder isn't in the mood for hugs or hair playing or cuddling, but if you consciously have an adhder and they need that kind of affection, then BOTh of you need to be equipped with strategies and mechanisms to 1) combat the RSD 2) meet both people's needs 3) BE FUNCTIONAL HUMAN BEINGS

the worst part is, because people with adhd experience such strong and crippling RSD, a lot of the time they can't even bring themselves to ASK for affection which them leads them into a further pid of dysphoria and depression which then leads to a NON FUNCTIONAL HUMAN BEING.

So. What am I saying? Cuddle your peeps with adhd (consensually.) And play with their hair. Especially if they explicitly asked for it, because that shit is hard. Give them a hug. Hold their hand. We're touched starved out here, people, do fluffy domestic shit or smth. Pull us by the belt loops and give us crushing hugs that could end panic attacks I DONT KNOW GET CREATIVE

[thrawns-babygirl]

I had an anon in my askbox that was rudely asking me something along the lines of "why aren't you posting about Crosshair anymore" and I got mad and deleted it before figuring I should probably explain myself a little because all 860 of you did initially follow me for crosshair content so here goes:

So, like many of us, I am neurodivergent. I have intense, all encompassing hyperfixations that give me that ridiculous dopamine hit that we all know and love. Unfortunately, these hyperfixations have a shelf life (as much as I would prefer to be able to hyperfixate on a single thing for a long time and not worry about the enjoyment waning)

This means that in time, I struggle to connect with certain media the way I used to. If I set certain media to the side and then think about it a little while later, then I can sometimes get that rush back like I did when I first engaged with the media.

A good example of this is actually Hux and the sequel trilogy. Back when the sequels were new and exciting I was a feral Hux stan. I didn't have a blog I used back then so I just read fanfic on Ao3 and info dumped to my friends. (Lmao sorry guys)

But then the interest slowly waned, for star wars all together and I hyperfixated on other things, My Hero Academia, Haikyuu, Star Trek, until eventually my brain had enough of a break from Star Wars and let me get fully invested in it again.

Basically what I'm trying to say is, I would love nothing more than to still be fully invested in the Bad Batch fandom, but my brain will not let me feel the same way about it until I have a small break and think about something else for a while.

And like many of us, it was my comfort show. With my comfort characters. When the season 2 finale aired I was a mess. I'm not even a full time Tech fan but the way he went out broke me. It was hard to think about the show at all without feeling a whole slew of negative emotions, so I started rewatching rebels and the sequels to find a new comfort show and other comfort characters.

Look none of this makes any sense, but basically I'm sorry for the hux spam and lack of TBB content lately. It will return. I will come back to it, but its just really hard at the moment. I'll still finish off the requests once I am settled at my new house, but after that I probably won't turn requests back on for a while until I get over my negative emotions towards the show.

And before you hit me with the "but Hux died too" look i know, it's just easier to talk myself out of that one because it was so negligible in the grand scheme of the movie I can pretend he was helped into a bacta tank or something.

Look, if you got this far, thanks for reading my unmedicated ramblings. I'm sorry that the content you followed me for isn't happening as much anymore, but it will come back one day. When it's less difficult for me to think about.

Until then, enjoy the Thrawn posting and Hux posting. Or don't. I dont make the rules.

[the-heaminator]

👀

ATP this au is very half baked but bear with me here. Half baked in the sense that I've never done anything for it but it haunts my thoughts.

Ie the lobotomy au because nation biology is a bitch like that.

A few other thoughts that I am not coherent enough to plot out.

first off so lobotomies were particularly popular in the 40s and 50s, a time where logically Arthur would not be very stable, and like a lot of lobotomies were performed for no reason other than to make the patient more docile and less "difficult" and to an extent it does work, a lobotomy being the removal of part, or sometimes the whole of the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that is (to date) known to do many things, it plays a central role in cognitive control functions, and dopamine in the PFC modulates cognitive control, thereby influencing attention, impulse inhibition, prospective memory, and cognitive flexibility.

Which means that removing it makes him more docile and calmer, and supposedly gets rid if his problem of seeing things, at the rather steep cost of partial memory loss, change in personality (often very severe) loss of impulse control and high distractability.

Like this could be seen as an improvement for a short period of time, no longer is he ranting raving and talking to things that aren't there, but then he starts becoming apathetic and his usual difficulty to accept change just isn't there, as well as personality changes that could range from him becoming too trusting, almost childlike in certain aspects, to manic and quite mad, sometimes forgetting he had eaten and would keep eating more regardless.

This becomes a problem very soon because I mean just look at the above paragraphs and tell me this isn't worrying, he gets reset, and his brain heals somehow, which raises the questions of will everything go back to normal or will some of the side effects persist, like will his memory still be a bit shit for a couple decades afterwards, it could he used to explain a lot of the shit he got up to in the 60s and 70s, lack of impulse control and all that, and just hnghgg

Also how would this effect the people around him in long and shirt term.

Theres also the fact that this is what would happen if it went correctly, they used a fucking ice pick half of the time, it could easily fuck up and kill, but for the purposes of this it could hit somewhere where it most definitely shouldn't, the hypothalami or pituitary glands for example. Like I want a nation physical subject, or a cadaver I'm not choosy. But they're fictional so what do I do.

[hybrid-machine]

Getting old is weird

My brain's not the same. My personality is not the same. Trauma and depression changed me too, and makes me see the world differently. I have so many more competing perspectives which make up the whole, rather than a selective version of seeing the world pre-awareness of inner work. Dopamine isn't as easy to come by. And hyper awareness of self and world is exhausting too. Responsibility and being in survival mode is also tiring. Maintaining well-being and community when living in a hyper-independent society that assigns you sole responsibility for things that used to be distributed - is also tiring. My health is the worst it's been, due to a cascade of emotional/ life /injury things (it's all biopsychosocial isn't it), but my awareness and centeredness is solid and protective. And I will get there, with help. With focus. Wanting to fight wholeheartedly by both slowing down (countering capitalism) and matching the pace (to survive). My flame is there, and it's warm, and steady. I won't give up. I didn't know how far I'd come (in good and bad ways) until I reviewed old files on my laptop. My music taste was so broad, and I found an old recording where I was laughing with friends. In those carefree, pre-injury, pre-depression days (also denial and lack of reality days). But what struck me is how different a person I seemed from who I am now. I was hyper-bouncy, energetic, smiley, responsive, fun. A child in her 20s. Holy heck. I'm so drowned by my lack of energy these days. I know priorities have changed, and those are important and necessary. And my escapism wasn't a good track to be on. But I just don't recognise that person in the recording. So many things to reflect on. The person I've become is more honest about my needs, and more lonely and selective. More aware of self and world, and more socially awkward about seeking community. Recreation and joy are harder to acquire when the mind is preoccupied with survival and loneliness and hard work. I like the idea of just letting things happen, and seeing if friends want to join in. Not making a big deal of events, scheduling etc, just calling randomly (I do not do that btw) and sharing those mundane moments with people. Being more open about the struggles, sharing good moments, talking about potential future ideas and projects. Like holy heck I want to buy a house end of this year, what is that. The momentum of the past year. I'm just not really sure what's wrong. I was chatting to a friend about it, and maybe it's depression and capitalism, lol.

Anyhow, I rediscovered Origa (blissful female vocals music, she sings in Russian, English and Japanese.. and has done covers for anime I think, like Ghost in the Shell - which I loooove). And it's filling my brain with spheres of feelings. I think it's good to be in this space of journaling, like I used to. I think capturing peaceful moments is also nourishing. Especially in a world that is constantly demanding your attention, your busy-ness, or filling your urban environment with noise. I think I need to protect my space better. The past 5 years have been rough. Rude awakenings :P January 25, 2023

[noodleswithsoba-blog]

As someone from the Older Gen Z crowd with a very similar situation to the other reblogger, my mother tended to value physical media a lot more. Her habit, and mine too, is to get movies and games that greatly affected us.

I also grew up in a low income household with limited games and movies, but I was also fond of the nature of film itself. Of games themselves.

I used to play Pokemon, and still do, and come up with personalities and motivations for my Pokemon. Why they went with me rather than me just chucking a ball at them.

That's why I love my Jolteons whenever I get them. Because they're the same Jolteon from the first game I got him. Following me from region to region like Ash and his Pikachu.

That's not to say I don't recognize the distillation of movies and shows to just content. It's even affecting the Fanfiction writing sphere as well. Authors and creatives the world over are just treated as soulless, lifeless things to churn out what they create just so people can hit the immediate dopamine high and never really chew on it.

That's why analysis of why someone loves something is so important, or how someone doesn't like something. Taking it apart and chewing on the elements of what make it work or not work is important and healthy for both people and the creatives that make what they love to make.

That's why I love movies that make me think, that make me sit with it and try to figure out my interpretation of what I just watched.

If I ever get the "Turn your brain off." stuff on my work, I'd wanna comment and tell them, "No. Please keep your brain on, I need you to walk with me, not drag you along while you clap. I want to affect you and let you feel and think."

I feel as though the lack of comprehension and analysis is because of the media around us. So much of it is the brain off stuff, and then it's brain on every now and then.

One of my favorite examples is how the MCU changed, since earlier in the thread someone brought it up. There's this trend with earlier MCU movies where they DID have moments you could think about and chew on.

The Winter Soldier has that whole, "This isn't Freedom, this is Fear." line from Cap early on in the movie. That's something to think about. That's something to analyze and try to apply to our lives outside of the theater.

But now it's like the most elaborate keys jingling in people's faces most of the time and sometimes we get something like Spiderverse that DOES make us think about the very nature of the characters we follow.

Anyway, sorry if this came across as rambling or I got off track. I just wanted to say something.

Matt Damon explains why they don’t make movies like they used to. Pls watch.

[madamlaydebug]

What does it mean to-->

A W A K E N?

One often observes these phrases burgeoning as spiritual lingo- "my awakening happened in xyx year" or ... "Ever since my Kundalini awakened on that exact day" or... some people mention in their bio- "woke up in xyz year".

What do they mean by that?

And how does one know if one has woken up or not?

Anybody who uses the above clearly doesn't know it and by the sheer display of that, they are doing a service to all by revealing that they lack the necessary depth to fathom this. And those who believe such, fall for it, are a vibrational match to that energy (so none is to blame) and hence they will come together as a unit to discuss these topics at the level of Consciousness that they can grasp and understand.

It only gets messy when one develops a spiritual righteousness about it and then looks down upon those who "have not woken up" in their eyes. Again, as all of existence is perfect as is, they will bite the bullet of their own creation and concoct a timeline that corrects the course for them sooner or later.

Now if one finds oneself attracted to that type of new age spiritual content then there is nothing wrong with it, atleast it gets them to talk about spirit instead of just being comfortable with the illusion of the dense material reality.

For the time being, what helps is this clarity- when one says they woke up in a certain year it actually means that the journey of self-study and self-inquiry was triggered for them by one or more marked events that point to a time period in their lives. It doesn't have to be painful, although it usually is.

As for how to know who has woken up? You CAN NEVER KNOW as an Enlightened being is under no obligation to act or behave a certain way that will fetch them respect over their "achievement" because they truly recognize that it isn't one. If anything, it is...

a STROKE OF MERCY

Physically, its liberation from the limbic system due to decalcified Pineal Gland in the brain. Dopamine/Serotonin/Oxytocin/Endorphin dependency gone forever --FREEDOM

[inkedinfusions]

That was really informative and fun to read in all honesty (⁠☆⁠▽⁠☆⁠)

But still wouldn't reader seem really odd still?like you know how vaccines back then weren't as good as today's are and were limited to wealthier countries and even then their efficiency was limited while now our vaccines are focusing more on specific parts of the pathogen such as proteins to generate immunity,so our vaccines are broader compared to back then and it's this immunity I was talking about that also generated the thought of people thinking reader is from a different place, I'll explain my reasoning in a bit

And now researching all of this I realize I was wrong on thinking that reader would fare better because on second thoughts she might fare much worse,and diet! Our diet plays an important part in our body and bacteria and compared to back then our gut bacteria is much less diverse which impacts our health in all the wrong ways

But going back to my point on why I'd think people would suspect reader isn't normal or isn't from 'here' is because if they took a look over her body they'd realize the difference in her body compared to the average human body,with the difference showing in a better body composition,height and overall health,but these would come with trade offs like her having much less physical activities compared to them and also if reader manages to slip up and say something suspicious or if she doesn't adapt as well to the environment because everything seems so unfamiliar to her and also we have to go back to the diet,or to be more accurate sugar

Sugar is in everything,most of our food has sugar because our brain loooooveeess sugar because of it's caloric intake and taste which triggers our reward system and highly palpable food like those high in sugar or fat can make us want to eat it more and crave it more and we can go through withdrawals without it

And it's this part that,the 'sugar withdrawal' which is real believe it or not, because sugar triggers our dopamine(dopamine is basically our feel good chemical and it plays a role in motivation,happiness ect.) so sugar withdrawal is in it's name a withdrawal and it's symptoms including mood swings,carvings,headaches,fatigue, difficulty concentrating ect. And these can last up to a week or more from what I heard

Which would trigger the question of why is this happening to reader and if finding out that reader has a sugar withdrawal would be a bit suspicious, because back then the average annual sugar consumption was around (18-23 kg) per person and our average annual sugar consumption now is (45-68 kg) per person and even if the person was wealthy it would only come up to (27-36 kg) of sugar because sugar back then sugar was considered a luxury items used only in special occasions, compared to now where literally everything we eat has some amount of sugar

So even if you're an extremely wealthy person you'd still be considered modest compared to todays time and readers body is quite different from the average person and how reader reacts to things(perhaps looking awed if a horse would let her ride on it but not having too big of a reaction to cars or airplanes but still staring a bit because it's something you wouldn't find it in modern times)and how they talk about things(whether they accidentally mention something like a 'phone' or mention something like 'anime' or complain about the lack of electricity,or now some really advanced things like for example saying a certain something is the powerhouse of the cell-) can be considered really weird because none of these things are here nor have they been invented yet

So now combine all these facts and reader starts looking like the odd one out

Though admiittly perhaps only Eren would tip toe across the bounds of the idea because it still sounds ridiculous no matter how much you look at it despite what kinds of mysterious things the reader would say,or perhaps he'd believe it? Am not to sure about this because I am the absolute worst when it comes to knowing how people think or act much less knowing how a complex character would think

(oh heck am such a yapper,please if you ever think of answering this take your time (⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠))

omg girl dont worry i love reading your asks!!

read more because I wrote more than I expected

So, lets break it down.

like you know how vaccines back then weren't as good as today's are [...]

In all of aot there are only around two epidemics or plagues that are mentioned; one being the one a past holder of the founding titan solved by using the titan to alter the Eldian body composition and the one Grisha Jaeger helped cure, the same one where he met Carla. What does this mean for our worldbuilding? Simple, it appears that even Paradis has better medicine than our world in medieval times. While they are by no means as advanced as us or Marley, they still seem to have a good understanding of human physiology, even if their methods can be a little crude. One could also argue that their world, being fantasy, is simply not as prone to get epidemics.

And now researching all of this I realize I was wrong on thinking that reader would fare better because on second thoughts she might fare much worse,and diet!

You might remember that y/n doesn't eat anything at all in her first day, only consuming a few biscuits. You could take this as "oh thats her body learning of these new components and regulating her microbiome" but also,,,, its fantasy and a fic about aot on top of that, and while it would do wonders for worldbuilding, I chose to not shed light on that particular problem. I do have something up my sleeve that could potentially be the answer, but I ain't revealing that until time is right lol

But going back to my point on why I'd think people would suspect reader isn't normal or isn't from 'here' is because if they took a look over her body they'd realize the difference in her body compared to the average human body,

Fun fact! i actually addressed this aaaall the way back in chapter two: dissection with the lines:

A single drop of blood would confirm that you're not Eldian, not Marleyan, not anything else. No family or government to respond to too, in case the higher ups wanted to run trials with your genetic material.

So you see, reader is a little put off by the idea of anyone looking at her genetic material, much less running tests with it. Edit: also, while here it wasn’t until the late 80s that dna testing became a thing, reader could take all of the titan serum etc experiments and the way they identify eldians via tests as more things to be wary of

Which would trigger the question of why is this happening to reader and if finding out that reader has a sugar withdrawal would be a bit suspicious, because back then the average annual sugar consumption was around (18-23 kg) per person and our average annual sugar consumption now is (45-68 kg)

They could excuse this by, oh shes from Marley so they probably have different diet than we do, but once again, I probably won't go super deep in the logistics :D

and how reader reacts to things(perhaps looking awed if a horse would let her ride on it but not having too big of a reaction to cars or airplanes but still staring a bit because it's something you wouldn't find it in modern times)

Tbh reader finds it a little underwhelming the first time she makes contact with Marley in chapter one: arrival.

Taking Onyankopon's hand when stepping down the train, you take in your first impression of Liberio.

It is... underwhelming to say the least.

The modern comforts and views you had experienced in your modern life make it difficult for you to be awed by an old timey train station,

By the time she finds time to be awed by Marley she is either too preoccupied with other things, already used to it, or people would just assume that shes from a countryside town, and thus not privy to all a big city like Liberio has to offer. Remember girlie is fighting for her life, so she doesn't have much time to gawk. We also need to note her almost paranoid at times behavior, and the way she is careful with her words and information. After living in Marley for a year one could say that this is almost subconscious for her at this point, living 24/7 with zeke, who is nice to her, but also is zeke

and how they talk about things(whether they accidentally mention something like a 'phone' or mention something like 'anime' or complain about the lack of electricity,or now some really advanced things like for example saying a certain something is the powerhouse of the cell-)

same point as before

Anyways, all in all, I loved responding to this!! you have such thought provoking questions lol i love them

[tlwebb]

My fundie parents pulled me off Ritalin in middle school and I spent high school slowly falling apart. I was overwhelmed by the workload, a horror show of bad social interactions and a complete lack of understanding what was happening to me. In their defense Ritalin wasn't working right- it took me too far the other direction. But rather than manage the dosage and figure it out they decided I should just raw-dog it and that was so so much worse.

Listen, your brain isn't holding onto dopamine properly and until you figure out how to manage that your inner madman will seek out what it's missing by any means nessisary. Tedium will bring the little bastard out and he will lead you down the path of FAFO.

Of course in the lat 80s early 90s they didn't understand this well and lots of us found ourselves doing insane stupid shit because the boredom was killing us and we had to find a way out.

Nowadays I have podcasts and streaming music to help but otherwise you just get lost in executive disfunction because your get up and go chem got up and went

Not telling your kid they have a learning disability, chronic illness, mental illness etc. so they can “feel normal” actually does the opposite. They will not feel normal if they do not have the context to understand that their normal will be different from that of their peers.

[ariannasenvolant]

dreams money could buy

april 25, 2024 10:25pm

no, i do not use military time. the other day, I had use a calculator for 20-8. So much for mental math. When it comes to number I feel dumb. I think I was the smartest I ever was when I was 13 in eighth grade learning algebra 1.

but that is besides the point. today i am talking about mental health. my mental health.

there is a lot going on in my mind currently.

i feel like i have no one to talk to at school. i am lacking friends who share the same classes as me and who are getting the same education. the only reason why i finding myself to want this, is because there are things i'd like to talk and discuss about, nurture and supplement my own curiosities with people who share a similar interest and already have background knowledge on the topic.

i feel like i am trying to be better person. i feel this way because i am no longer giving into toxic behavior that affect other people. i notice myself missing something, dopamine, i guess, and i resort to doing other things, like writing this post, as a healthier alternative.

i have a friend who has his phone on do not disturb most of the time, and it annoys me because i feel like it makes it difficult to contact him when i would like to. his responses and call backs are delayed due to him not receiving my notifications. but it is not something i could complain about to him, because it's his phone and his time, and his life. if he doesn't want to be disturbed, who am i to interrupt his peace?

have you guys heard about the Crumbley family case? the 15 year old school shooter who got sentenced to life in prison, but his parents also went to jail for giving him open access to a firearm and ignoring the warning signs. this is the first time parents were being held legally responsible for their child's actions. i was listening to a Vox Today podcast on this topic, and one concern was parents being afraid of going to jail for bad parenting. It is already hard to be a parent, but now the government is getting involved, and is that fair? here are my thoughts:

first i study children's mental health and psychopathy in school, so I have a bias. my bias: it all starts from home.

many of children's externalizing behavior, such as them acting out are responses to their home environments. Adverse childhood experiences, such as child abuse, neglect, maltreatment, trauma, exposure to substances, poverty, violent environments, etc, all make children more susceptible to mental illness. The more experiences you have, the higher your likelihood of being xyz. In addition, about 30% of mental health outcomes is genetic. 70% is social/enviromental, regarding education, economic status, community, access to care (doctors), and neighborhood.

What I am trying to say that these kids aren't just "bad," they're probably hurt, traumatized, not understood, and not getting the proper care they need.

Another thing to think about is that the child/adolescent brain is still developing! Kid's emotional capabilities is developed by 16, but their rational thinking isn't fully developed until 25. So they feel everything but they are still learning how to regulate their emotions, thoughts, and behavior. Kids think in short term more than long term, as adults do. they are more peer influenced and reward driven, as the dopamine makes them feel good. on top of that, hormones are affecting their bodies, and their quality of sleep affects mind and behavior as well.

I do not think that a bad child is bad for life. The fact that Ethan Crumbley got sentenced for life is unfortunate. He was trialed as an adult, even though he was 15. But he took 4 lives so, I also understand why he got the sentence he did.

His parents going to jail as well is very important. It shared the blame. No longer is a child solely responsible for their own actions, it is now a collective one. Ethan told his parents about his troubling thoughts and hallucinations and they laughed him off. And they also give him a gun as a gift ??? He is 15. There are so many environmental, contextual, i don't even know the word, but so many things in this case that touch on many different topics. for me, it just shows me how we are a product of our environment. And also that there is never just one singular thing for anything. That nothing is black and white. every situation has multiple layers, facets, that all play a role for why things , people, etc, are the way the are.

[int3rnall]

I find it ugly how grossly uneducated I am as of recently. Why am I doing nothing meaningful? Why am I not outstanding and what exactly am I doing wrong? Why am I not spectacular and special? Why am I not a prodigy at something? Where did all the prior remarkable schemes went? Whose grave did they plunder into?

I can't stay stagnant. I can't recycle my days and I cannot become ordinary. Mediocrity is an insult. I'd rather be amusingly terrible at something than being average at it. Now how exactly do we solve this? I suggest we start identifying the root of the problem. My routine.

Not only does it lack variety, there are also little to none tangible benefits that I could harvest from this immovable tree. I need to recognize what skills will significantly hoist me up the societal ladder of wealth and diminish habits that will reap the very essence of success from me.

Starting from TikTok. Don't get me wrong, the app is great for education as well. It offers real time news that isn't tainted by government propoganda influence or is particularly biased to any agenda, but on the flip side, it is also astonishingly distracting. One could argue your will is stolen from you with consent. You're betting your time over potential benefits (videos with useful information that will retain).

This is a highly risky gamble and will result in a disproportionate victory on one side, which is the forgettable videos littering the for you page. Tell me, do you remember what you watched yesterday on the app? What about 5 hours ago? No? 15 minutes ago? Impossible right. It's not meant for long term retention unless the video is somewhat of an essay or targets a specific audience (particularly scholars or those who are interested in the given topic). TikTok is meant for short, forgettable, highly entertaining junk videos that can be equated to shots of vodka the longer you scroll. Drugs, if I'm being straight forward. It's useless. The cons outweigh the pros, yet the dopamine levels in our brain refuses to uncurl it's grasp on this god forsaken app.

Not only that, but I also do nothing productive. I would pull out my yoga mat and lay it outside, only to ignore it as I watch a series of YouTube videos about foreigners visiting Korea as they ride whirring boats and stuff their mouths with fresh seafood from Jeju island.

I don't understand why I'm like this. I need to be more than this. I'm destined to be incredible. I will have some level of fame and wealth and I will inevitably attain it one way or another. I will scrub my hands with thorns if it meant being successful. If it meant being the smartest person in the room. The coolest, most calculating yet warm. I want to become something more than human, as absurd as it sounds. I've always had this dillema.

The desire to become more than I am, yet it is just a pipe dream. All I see is a wasteland. Chaos, sitting in the womb of hollow ruination.

I starkly recall one of Albert Camus's quote: 'Man is the only creature who refuses to be what he is'

As well as this quote from my second mother, Sylvia Plath: 'I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in my life. And I am horribly limited.'

I used to curl into a ball as I miserably weep over this jarring, emptying realization. I had so much to do, so many people to become and lives to live. I wanted to be God. I wanted to kill myself and transcend. I wanted to be everywhere yet nowhere. Become everyone yet no one. Be known by everyone yet understood by none. A living cocoon swelled with bitter contradictions.

This is me, the butterfly trapped within the suffocating cocoon. The walls enveloping my soul are slowly crumbling away.

Any moment now.

Once it hatches, it will be ugly.

Mark my words

It will be revolting