#and me in a very particular way that will one day finally translate into incredibly self-indulgent fanfic

[remyfire]

Sorry I just remembered the moment where Hawkeye and BJ said "Margaret, we would like to double team you in the shower," and I had to let out a huge sigh

[glubsurleseuil]

Don't be scared - Chapter 2

A Pennywise X F!Reader fanfic. First - Next

Chapter warnings: Violence, blood, discreet mention of a desire to die. It's just the beginning, it's about to get worse.

(Note: It was translated by Deepl, English is not my mother tongue, so I apologise for any mistakes. If you want to correct me, don't hesitate!)

(Note 2: I found the gif at @pennydaddywise)

(Note 3: The "lyrics" of the song are actually quotes from Mr Stephen King.)

It was a difficult night. First, when you arrived home, your body's first reflex was to throw up in the toilet. Then your brain's reflex was to search your apartment from top to bottom to make sure no one was home. Then, finally, you curled up in a ball on your bed, scared out of your wits, unable to sleep. Every minute, you checked your phone, not wanting to believe that the clown's damn message had disappeared. You'd searched your whole phone but couldn't find it. And you hated for most of the night the incredible capacity of the human survival instinct to try and make you believe that all these strange and terrifying events never really happened. Finally, you fell asleep convinced that no, you're not crazy.

Of course, like every night for some time, you had a dream. But not the same one this time. This one was just as hazy and incomprehensible, but less terrifying, and you woke up more peacefully. It made you remember the clown's message: Don't be scared... You laughed nervously, shivers running through your body just thinking about your adventure the day before.

The day had gone by too fast for your liking, and you'd been unable to concentrate on anything, that damn clown haunting your mind at every turn. Then it was finally time for work.

It was a quiet evening, without too many customers. These evenings are often pleasant to spend, but this evening in particular, you could take advantage of it and go home early. The very idea of not seeing the sun when you leave the bar terrifies you.

"Are you sure? There's no one on stage tonight. You can sing if you want."

Your boss suggests you go on stage when there's no one there. You love these moments. Singing and playing on stage is the only time you feel your life isn't miserable. But singing tonight means coming home later, when it's dark... Fuck.

You can't refuse. These moments are too rare. You get up on stage and take advantage of this moment to forget everything, your rotten life, the sadness, the anguish... The clown...

Monsters are real, And ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win.

Your voice trembles slightly and you close your eyes to concentrate.

God is cruel. Sometimes he makes you live. The devil's voice is sweet to hear.

At the end of your song, the few remaining customers applaud. You hate that noise. It reminds you of harsh reality.

Finally, the bar closes and you leave through the back door. The cool silence of the night reminds you of the horrors of life and you look down the dark, empty alley. The lights are still malfunctioning, and there's a large section of the alleyway plunged into darkness. Obviously...

You reassure yourself that you don't have to go into the forest this time. Phone in hand, you make your way down the alley, lighting every nook and cranny, and you're soon relieved to see that there's nothing and no one there.

You move forward, a little more reassured, towards the exit, towards the light. And as you put your phone back in your bag, something touches your back. It's light and it bounces against you. You turn around slowly, cautiously, holding your breath...

A balloon? A balloon. Red, floating in the middle of the path, alone. The first thing it brings to mind is your dream from last night. Yes, there was a red balloon in it, which you grabbed and flew high into the sky...

Looking at it more closely, you see a piece of paper hanging from its string, wriggling like a hanged man. You untie it and unfold it. On it, in ink as red as blood, a message.

DON'T BE SCARED

You swallow your saliva as thick as sand and your whole body shakes with tremors, preparing to run. But as you turn to leave the alley, two gloved hands grab you, one by the nape of the neck, pulling your hair as you go, the other by the mouth, pressing down hard enough that you can't scream. And you find yourself facing those predatory golden eyes, one of whose pupils squints outwards. A multitude of gleaming, pointed teeth, dripping with slime, smiles at you, just inches from your face.

Faced with such an apparition, your first instinct is to punch the face you recognize as the clown's, but you instantly regret it. True, the grip of his hands has loosened, but you note with horror that his features have deformed where you struck him, his uneven teeth protruding from his mouth in an excruciatingly inhuman way. Blood is dripping from his lip... floating upwards would be more accurate.

You push him back hard and turn to flee, knowing full well it's no use. He grabs you by the arm and pushes you violently back against the alley wall. You grit your teeth as you feel your back and the back of your skull crash against the hard surface. With one hand, he grips your neck and lifts you to his full height. No matter how hard you pull on his arm, you're unable to free yourself and breathing becomes difficult. The clown brings his face close to yours like an enraged predator.

"I said... don't be scared!!!"

He finishes his sentence by slamming you back against the wall. You close your eyes in pain, your head begins to spin and you no longer feel strong enough to push him away. All you can do is watch him rage at you, hoping it's just another nightmare.

"You don't want to live, I know it! Then why are you afraid? Stupid, ridiculous humans... This fear... So beautiful, so appetizing. How am I supposed to resist this?!"

The clown hits you once more, more brutally. This is too much. As your arms fall unconscious to your sides, you faint under his fingers and everything goes black. The last thing you hear is the clown swearing to himself.

When you open your eyes, you're unable to understand where you are. An old-fashioned smell of mildew assails your nostrils and you see dust flying in the dim light of the room. You realize you're lying on something soft, covered. Probably a mattress on the floor. Soon, the pain in the back of your skull reawakens. You run your hand through your hair to find dried blood tangled in your locks.

You sit up abruptly, the events before you fainted coming back to you in an unbearable headache, and a question forces you to hold your breath. What else has this clown... this thing... done to you? Trembling, your hand raises the old grey blanket over your legs and you begin to inspect yourself... Nothing. At first glance, anyway. Everything suggests that he's just put you down there, nothing more. You breathe again.

Your gaze finally settles around you: you find yourself in an empty room, apart from the mattress you're lying on. The light is diffused, so unnatural that you want to define it as dark, even if that doesn't make sense. The windows are so dirty that you can't tell if it's still night. You have no idea what time it is or how long it's been since the clown attack.

You suddenly see your shoes tossed haphazardly around the room, as well as your bag. That's all it takes for you to rush out of the mattress and rummage through it, your phone being your goal. But you panic when you realize it's buggy. It doesn't look particularly broken though, it simply refuses to work, the screen displaying bizarre glitches and... The message the clown marked last time, in the forest. You throw your phone to the ground in anguished annoyance.

Close your eyes. Inhale. exhale. You've got to get out of here. A hint of determination returning, you pick up your phone, your bag and put on your shoes. Passing as quietly as possible through the first doors you come to, you arrive in a corridor with a staircase leading down a few meters from you. You descend carefully, the steps creaking beneath your feet. But there's no sign of the clown, and the door opposite the steps seems to be the entrance door. You suddenly have the foolish hope of getting out of here without any trouble.

You approach slowly, your hand sliding noiselessly over the handle of the closed door. You turn it slowly... but nothing happens. You pull, you push, quietly at first, then louder and louder, suddenly panic-stricken. But nothing happens. The door doesn't move. It doesn't move at all. As if it were an optical illusion painted on the wall. A groan of despair escapes and you hold back your tears. Inhale. Exhale. All is not lost, there are always the windows.

They're as dirty and dimly lit as those upstairs, plunging the house into an atmosphere of eternal twilight. Some are boarded up, but not all. In a room that looks like a living room, you work hard on one of them, but get the same result as with the door. In a fit of anger, you end up banging on what's supposed to be the glass, even throwing a stool lying around, in vain.

A few seconds pass before a cry of rage comes from your mouth. And you knew that all the noise you'd made would attract the clown. A weak but piercing laugh pushes you to turn towards the entrance to the room. There he is, leaning against the wall, mocking you without the slightest hint of embarrassment.

"Silly, silly little human. Thinking you can escape from my house. So stupid, so angry..."

He pauses, and you can see his mocking smile break down, giving way to annoyance, his features turning stern.

"...So scared... again..."

You step back as he moves closer to you. You'd have thought his eyes were blue a second ago... You quickly bend down to grab the stool you threw at the window, tossing it at the clown to distract him and get around him, running towards the living room exit. You already knew it wouldn't work and you're not surprised to feel him propel you to the floor. He barely gives you time to turn around before pinning you down on your back. Your eyes see his face blurred by tears, while you feel warm drool running down your shirt. Above you, the clown shakes frantically, as if arguing with himself about what to do with you.

"Fear... so delicious... Maybe I should... eat you.... No! Or maybe... just a little...?"

He shakes his head like an animal shredding a piece of meat, and the comparison terrifies you.

"No. No! You are..."

His gloved hand caresses your face with a gentleness that makes you sob. Your eyes close tightly, as if that's enough to make you forget everything that's going on.

"...perfect. I need you."

You feel the clown's breath coming closer and your eyes reopen in panic. You can see his lips curling over his sharp teeth, many more of them. Your brain refuses to believe what it's seeing and you start laughing nervously.

"Don't. Be. Scared."

It's an order and he emphasizes it by snapping his teeth together in a jaw-clenching sound that echoes in your head. At this point, he lets go and walks away, leaving you alone on the floor with your migraine, covered in drool. All you hear is the echo of your own delirious laughter, resonating in your eardrums as if it belonged to someone else. 

[idylls-of-the-divine-romance]

referring to your tags, please talk about genesis 3 that would be awesome

Disclaimer 1: all of this is really just me reading the verses and writing the first things that come to mind so buckle up there is a very “organized chaos” type of pseudo-structure to this lol 

Disclaimer 2: This post is as nerdy as it is long and it is very long.

It has been like 10 days but FINALLY I can address this. Gosh it’s been wild lol

Okay. I’ve probably said this before but like. Genesis 3 is one of my favorite parts of the entire scriptures. Those first 3 chapters are the bedrock for where all else in scripture flows (I’m mixing metaphors now lol).

Honestly it’s just like, where do I even begin! Part of the reason I love this chapter is how absolutely packed it is. The first half of the first sentence “Now, the snake was more shrewd than any beast of the field which Yahweh Elohim had made,” is already incredible. First of all, clearly this is not a normal snake: snakes do not talk and also it claims to have insight into God’s counsel and council. Now I know this is like really obvious to us as Christians but Voltaire was convinced this was a normal snake so

Here’s some totally coincidental facts about nakhash: snakes are creatures of the wilderness (a place of chaos where no one can live or grow) that come up out from under the land (so, from the underworld) and thus are associated with non-order and death/ the dead. The fact that most cultures have agreed that snakes are evil is not a coincidence. Neither is the fact that the word for “divination” is “nikhesh”. I mean. Divination is the practice by which a human attempts to get wisdom — not being seeking Yahweh — but by consulting one of two things: (1) the dead or (2) the stars. As I said, snakes are associated with the dead, and stars were thought to be spiritual beings (which ofc the serpent in the garden is since it can talk, knows God’s will, and can possibly fly). So what Adam and Eve do in the garden is a form of divination! And it leads to death, go figure. This makes a lot of sense of the whole “you shall not allow a diviner (nikhesh) to live amongst you. To do so would be to repeat the fall all over again.

Also, also on the snake: pay attention to where it comes from again, the field. The language of “the field” is something I was recently clued in to so I do t have a lot of thoughts on it but it is clearly associated with wild beasts (“beast of the field”) and with humans acting like the beats: Adam, deceived by a beast, must eat “the herb of the field” like a beast (they were given to the animals while humans were given fruits and seed-giving herbs); Cain, who allowed “failure” to pounce on him like a wild beast, murders Abel “in the field” like a wild beast; Pharaoh in the Exodus is frequently associated beasts (in particular, sea monsters) and he enslaved the Israelites to work “in the field”.

Also also actually actually the word translated “shrewd” here is “arum”. Now this is one of the few areas I disagree with the translator here (I’m using Tim Makie’s “A Literal Literary Translation”). I prefer the word “prudent” because the word “arum” is only used a few times in Scripture (mostly in Proverbs because it is what we call “a wisdom word”) and is almost always a positive thing. It’s a synonym with wisdom, which is also mostly positive. Arum means to be able to look at circumstances and understand what is the next best course of action to achieve a certain outcome. (Lord knows I could use some of this) It is like a chess master: an arum person can look at the situations and maneuver in such a way to get the best end result.

The question then is who it is best for. 

Now, the snake was more shrewd than any beast of the field which Yahweh Elohim had made, and it said to the woman, “Indeed, has Elohim said, ‘You shall not eat from any tree of the garden’?” And the woman said to the snake, “From the fruit of the trees of the garden we may eat; but from the fruit of the tree which is in the middle of the garden; Elohim has said, ‘You shall not eat from it or touch it, or you will die.’” And the snake said to the woman, “You surely will not die! For Elohim knows that in the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like Elohim, knowers of good and bad.”

Everything about this conversation is fascinating to me. First off: the lack of the divine name “Yahweh”. All throughout the previous chapter and all throughout the rest of this chapter, the supreme Elohim is called “Yahweh Elohim”.

Here, however, this prudent snake has taken it upon himself to distance himself and the woman from Yahweh by simply calling them “God”. To know and get to use the divine name is an incredible privilege and reflective of great intimacy (names, especially of gods, was a very big deal in the ancient world) so for the nakhash to just *not* use the divine name… it’s suspicious. It’s, as I said, a distancing. A lack of intimacy. A certain coldness, one could say. And this is all very shrewd considering his question: Indeed, has Elohim said, ‘You shall not eat from any tree of the garden’? Now ofc we know Yahweh has said no such absurdity; in fact he tells the human to “eat eat” from every tree of the garden. Except one. Because if they do they will “die die” (repeating a word twice is a thing they do in Hebrew that I find incredibly amusing lol). So, the nakhash, who St John says has been lying since the beginning, has rather cleverly phrased this question to distance us from the identity of our God. What is our God’s identity? Love, ofc. God is an eternal community of other-centered life-giving intimate live. And as biblical love is not a feeling but an action, this love is made manifest thru the planting of a beautiful garden abundant in good food and the chance to partake of the divine essence itself (The Tree of Life) and thus commune directly with the holy love, power, and wisdom of God (Galatians, Isaiah, Proverbs). 

My point is: Yahweh Elohim has been radically generous because Yahweh is a being of radical generosity. So when the nakhash questions Yahweh’s generosity, he is calling into question the very identity of our God. And the tactic then, is to not use the divine name. It is incredibly subtle and incredibly brilliant. Though I expect nothing less from the “Father of Lies” and “Deceiver of the Nations”. The snake is indeed very prudent. 

So, after the snake distances the conversation away from the true loving and generous identity of Yahweh our Elohim, the woman tragically falls for it. She says “From the fruit of the trees of the garden we may eat; but from the fruit of the tree which is in the middle of the garden; Elohim has said, ‘You shall not eat from it or touch it, or you will die.’” Now, there has been lots of debates and commentaries about this but what I find most fascinating is that she also does not use the divine name. She too has been distanced from the “passionate God, compassionate and gracious, slow to anger and overflowing in loyal love and faithfulness”. And so it does not surprise me at all that she then misquote ms Yahweh and ends up with an image of him that is harsher than reality. 

Now there have been thoughts about “Did the man tell her this version of the command rather than the original simple ‘Do not eat.’?” And while that is possible, I think such a question missus the point here: the woman has an incorrect version of the divine command because she has an incorrect conception of the divine identity. I believe that is the point the biblical authors are trying to get at. Or at least one of them (scarcely do they ever have just one purpose in anything). 

Now the nakhash’s response is equally fascinating to me (you will find I am easily fascinated by scripture lol): “For Elohim knows that in the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like Elohim, knowers of good and bad.” First off, this is the piece about the nakhash definitely being a god/spiritual being as he claims to have knowledge about the divine counsel (that is, wisdom) and council (that is, the other spiritual beings). It is subtle and intentionally do both in the original Hebrew and in this translation. 

If anyone is even slightly familiar with common Hebrew words, skip the next couple paragraphs. For the uninitiated, im sorry if it’s confusing lol. 

So, “elohim” despite having been used like a singular proper noun (to refer to the One Supreme Spiritual Being of Israel) up to this point is actually a plural word (“-im” is plural). It is the plural form of “eloah” which I believe is where “Allah” comes from but would need to do more research. Similarly is “el” (god) and “elim” (gods). So elohim technically means “gods”. HOWEVER in Genesis 1, the verbs are distinctly not plural. So in “In the beginning, Elohim created the skies and the land” is “Bereshit bara Elohim et hashamayim ve'et ha'aretz” and “bara”/“created” is a singular verb which shows us that the noun is a singular being despite being in the plural grammatical form. 

Get it? Got it? Good.

The pay off for that weird side note is that in this verse “you will be like Elohim, knowers of good and bad” both “elohim” and the word translated “knowers” is plural. So. This can be translated a myriad of ways

You will be like God, knowing good and bad.

You will be like gods, knowing good and bad.

You will be like gods, who know good and bad.

You will be like God, knowers of good and bad.

You will be like gods, knowers of good and bad.

And that ambiguity is most definitely intentional. 

If it is “You will be like God”, then we have a sad irony of humans already made in the likeness of God trying to take what they have already been given (read the Jacob story for a deep meditation on humans trying to steal what God has freely given). 

If it is “You will be like gods” then what we have is humans, who are already rulers of the land, sea, and skies, trying to take another domain of rule for themselves. 

And that idea of envy as being the ultimate root cause of the humans betrayal of their Creator and (Generous) Host, is very similar to the motivation attributed to the serpent during the Second Temple Period as well as latter into the Patristic era: envy. The serpent is a spiritual being that is jealous that the humans, dirt bags “made little lower than the spiritual beings”, have been “crowned in glory and majesty”, made “rulers over the works of [Yahweh’s] hands”; and “everything has been put under their feet”. As a friend of mine was telling me recently, the Adversary was ultimately envious of the humans being able to partake of the divine essence and be utterly transformed by it. 

This is part of the “firstborn” theme in scripture, which is not so much about birth order as it is about status, power, and human institutions built around those. Both the spiritual beings and the beasts of the field were created before the humans in Genesis 1, and yet it is humanity — as individuals and a collective community — that is made in the image of God as the cult images of the divine temple that is the cosmos. There is a reason critical scholars say Gen 1 was written by a priest; and for once I agree. (P.s I know the order of creation is different in Gen 2; it’s irrelevant to this topic though and should be its own post. Long story short they are 2 narratives but 1 story so the differences make no difference on this exegesis for me). 

The next thought I’d random: Adam and Eve are children. Not in biology, but in their maturity. To say, in scripture, that someone “does not know good and bad” is to say that they are a child who needs to grow in wisdom under the guidance of an elder guardian figure. St. Irenaeus talks about this and it was most likely the dominant way of reading Adam and Eve in the early church. I do not know if it was the dominant view in other Second Temple Jewish religious groups; someone with access to the Deuterocanon can inform me of that. 

There is also some interesting stuff I’ve learned about Eastern Orthodoxy and Adam and Eve. If anyone is interested check out this series of articles https://www.joeledmundanderson.com/irenaeus-of-lyon-and-the-early-churchs-teaching-of-adam-and-eve-part-1/ 

Here’s some quotes from the articles about this idea: 

Irenaeus said that Church Tradition had always taught that Adam and Eve were essentially children who had yet to develop into full maturity. Therefore, their sin was not so much a “fall from perfection,” as it was childish immaturity. Now, if that shocks you, consider something else. Irenaeus viewed Adam and Eve as symbolic of all humanity. For Irenaeus, Adam was never just an individual—he symbolized all humanity.

What this means is that Irenaeus taught that the story of Adam and Eve was the story of humanity: we are created in God’s image, but our purpose and task as human beings is to grow into the full likeness of God by means of relationship with Him. Genesis 1:26 says, “Let us make Adam in our image, after our likeness.” The Orthodox Church has always made a distinction between “in God’s image” and “after God’s likeness.” Simply put, God’s image is something we are born with—it is part of our nature; God’s likeness is something we grow into, if we so choose.

Concerning Adam and Eve, Irenaeus said, “Adam and Eve were naked and were not ashamed, for their thoughts were innocent and childlike,” (Proof, 14). The very description of them as “naked” implied their child-like innocence and vulnerability. It wasn’t only Irenaeus who taught this. This view was, in fact, the view of the early Church. Theophilus of Antioch described Adam and Eve as “infants” at the time they sinned. Their sin, therefore, was that they tried to become wise beyond their years—they tried to grow up too fast. Clement of Alexandria called Adam a “boy” before his fall, and said that it was by sinning that Adam became a man.

That is what we see in Genesis 3, with the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. The fruit on that tree was “adult food,” and Adam and Eve were still on Gerber’s baby food, so to speak. Or to use another analogy: the fruit on that tree was like wine, and Adam and Eve were still under-aged. In their immaturity and curiosity, they snuck a bottle of wine back to their room drank the whole thing, and ended up throwing up, and waking the next day with a massive hangover. Thus, not only did they suffer in their bodies, their relationship with “Dad” was also affected, for they proved themselves to be disobedient. They were not fully grown up, and it showed.

Okay this is incredibly long so I will do one more and then I’m stopping:

And the woman saw that the tree was good for eating, and that it was desirable to the eyes, and that the tree was desirable to make one wise, and she took from its fruit and she ate; and she gave also to her husband with her, and he ate. And the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked (ערום); and they sewed leaves of fig tree together and made themselves loin coverings.

Gosh y’all this chapter is so freaking important. Specifically the “saw”, “eyes”, “took”, “gave”. Those words — alongside “good” “bad” “desirable/beautiful” “know/knowledge” — appear all through scripture and when they do the writers are always mentally thinking about this passage. The most recent example for me was a law about what to do when “a soldier at war saw that a woman was beautiful to the eyes and took her, he is to let her mourn for 40 days (? can’t remember the #) and not touch her. Then she is to be your wife. And if you decide you do not want her she is to go free and you may not sell her as a slave”. It is highly disturbing to read but the thing is that THE AUTHORS KNOW THAT!!! The writer is not going “When you see a woman and you want her just go ahead and take her it’s all good” he’s going “If you’re going to be a stupid, foolish human who is incapable of controlling your animal-like lusts and is bent on repeating the fall narrative again, here are the stipulations to ensure that there is no abuse of this woman at all. You do not own her and never did.” 

Edit: yesterday I was reading Genesis 1 with my sisters (made it thru 6 verses lol) and we realized that in Genesis 1 it is God who “sees that something is good” because God is the source of goodness and wisdom (by which I here mean the ability to discern good and bad). When in Genesis 3 it says “And the woman saw that the tree was good”, the only character before then to see that something is good, has been God. So even down to the language, it is making a statement about the woman(and thru her, all of humanity)’s propensity to see what is good and decide a course of action on there own terms. Which ofc, backfires. As defining good and bad on your own terms often does.

Edit edit: I FORGOT THE WORDPLSY!!! The humans are arom (naked); the snake is arum (prudent).

So… yeah. You asked me to talk about Genesis 3 and I made it thru 1 paragraph. You’re welcome lol. Honestly tho, this was very fun and I really enjoyed doing this. 

[thoughts-on-bangtan]

Epilogue

I know we've already said our farewells but after todays BangtanB Admin 2 talked me into writing another tiny post because vmin. Truly as much as we weren't ready for the OT4 live, we hadn't been ready to get this BB so quickly, to see and hear them say goodbye to each other, or for Tae to quite literally apologise to Jimin for not being able to see him off the next day while Jimin told him he had nothing to be sorry for since he was going first.

Seeing these two say goodbye to each other, it broke my heart on so many levels. Vmin being vmin aside, they are chingu and so incredibly close with each other, mean so much to each other, and yet because of damn enlistment they got separated. I'm glad though that Namjoon has Tae close to him, just like Namjoon said to Tae himself, and that they'll be able to see each other occasionally and perhaps have meals together, though they aren't training together. And before someone asks why Tae and Namjoon didn't use the buddy system like Jimin and JK did and tries to spin some annoying story in our messages, it's because Namjoon is too old for it.

Another tiny tangent I'd like to go on before I continue is that I implore all of you, and especially shippers of one particular ship, to stop romanticising the enlistment experience and all it entails. Enlistment isn't a fun little trip or vacation, it's an unjust gruelling and extremely hard time for all enlisted men. One of the translators for the English edition of the BTS book was asked by ARMY to translate Namjoon's letter on weverse but he declined to do so and gave a very nuanced and important explanation as to why. Please go and read it here. And before anyone comes (again) into our messages and claims I would speak differently if vmin went together, no I would not. This moment in their lives, the enlistment period, it fucking sucks. Plain and simple. We've seen what can happen with idols during enlistment, just look at Taemin's experience, so really, there is nothing nice and fun and chill about it. Or remember the incident with Seokjin and the nurse, hell knows what could've happened. It's hard and awful and it's unfair that after all that they have done, the members were put into a position where they knew there was no way they could not go, even if they would've been given an exemption because that's the kind of pressure they're under. We've seen how uncomfortable his shaved head made Jimin, how sad and devastated Jimin and JK looked in their final lives and in this BB. So set aside your delulu glasses and look at reality, especially as foreigners. We know nothing so let's not act like we know anything.

Anyway, seeing JK approach Namjoon, pet his head and then Namjoon turn around, his eyes turning all soft and fond as he realised it's JK and then enveloped him in a tight hug...and to think that's the hyung because of which JK even joined BH in the first place. My heart. And Namjoon, too, was sad that he wouldn't be able to see JK off the next day either.

It was sad that we couldn't see Hobi, Seokjin, and Yoongi but we knew that would be the case from past experience. But it was nice to see JK sitting in the car talking and being obviously sad and then Hobi's hand appeared to pat his head to comfort him and JK closed his eyes to enjoy the moment and calm his emotions. Truly the bond the hyungs and maknaes have is beautiful.

But with that the Tannies are all gone now and it'll be six months on the dot until Seokjin will be released and come back to us for FESTA 2024. But the members repeatedly said they've prepared lots of exciting things for us so we can look forward to that.

And with this, we say farewell and we hope to see you again healthy and happy and doing well.

As for our blog, with Admin 2's plans for a BL break, we've started watching Love in the Air since it's a very popular BL. Once we'll finish it, we'll let you know what we think of it.

[no-face-no-shame]

Ok. I said I will write some of my thoughts on Disco Elysium a few days ago, and I'm finally in the mood to do so, so here we go.

First things first - it's one of the most unique, incredible games I've ever played. It just feels different from anything else that I know. The world, the characters. It feels real. The worldbuilding is spectacular. As someone from a post-Soviet country, the atmosphere of the whole game hits too close to home. Even stupid things like architecture - I've seen it all before. I've seen these buildings, those streets. DE is the kind of game that will make you laugh until the full meaning reaches you, and then there is no laughter left.

Staying on the topic - the art style and animation blew my mind. The portraits are beautiful, painted in a very characteristic way. The animation of the game itself perfectly translates the atmosphere of the drawings into 3D. Extremely detailed backgrounds and locations, just a beauty overall.

Great soundtrack. The boat song made me cry. Literally. It just paralysed me. The whole OST is spectacular, but there is something so etheric about this particular track and its placement in the game.

There are no fully good people there. And I love it. I love how complex everyone is. It's one of the aspects that make DE feel so real. Everyone has some shit going on, everyone has some stupid opinions, everyone has fucked something up. Just as in real life. It doesn't make the characters any less sympathetic or likable. Quite the opposite - it makes them feel human in a very touching way.

Harry is a fascinating protagonist. He has so much good in him, and so much evil. It depends on how you play him - from the same background you can obtain such different people. Just like in real life, it's up to you to interpret his past and make a future out of it. Will Harry become bitter and hateful towards everyone? Will he start hating women and pouring his frustrations out on minorities? Or will he see the hope in the future and not give up on himself, letting the world welcome him back? The only chance for him is in love. Yes, you can choose the path of a hateful bigot who scares everyone. But this is how you get the weakest version of Harry. He can't build himself up, create a new himself out of violence and hatred. It only ruins him.

The way DE deals with the topic of addiction is one of the best takes I've seen in any media. The drugs will give you bonuses on checks, so you want to do more of them. Everything seems easier. Before you know, you take something before every check. And we're back at the beginning. I did my playthrough without taking anything, and I'm thankful for that. I like how especially alcoholism isn't shown in a profound, elegant way it is often in media. It's ugly, it's embarrassing, it reeks, it makes you stupid. Nothing elegant about it. Quite the opposite. It's a humiliation. No romanticising.

DE also has one of the best takes on politics I've seen recently. This is a very political game, it's one of the most important mechanics. To cover this topic more fairly, a separate post would be needed, but it's really refreshing to see such a complex portrayal of such a complex topic after being regularly exposed to, well, social media takes on politics. DE seems to be mocking all political fractions equally, however the reality quickly shows that they aren't the same.

Leftist Harry is the only one who has a chance to make some change - not only in his own life, but in the world around him as well. Yes, he's cheesy. Yes, he says stuff that sounds naive. But the thing is - he's right. The naive dreams about justice for the weak are right. It reminds me of that one quote, I can't recall the author, who says that children are naive in their belief that everything should be fair and that life should be good, and they are right in their belief. Things won't change immediately, especially not for Harry. But there is hope.

Centrist Harry never does anything and lets his life remain bad. Just as real life centrists, he sees harm, injustice and suffering, and is indifferent to them. But he's also indifferent to the good of the world. He's stuck in limbo which he will never leave.

Fascist Harry is a miserable rubbish that will probably die soon. He hates everything and everyone, and himself the most. There is no hope. The fascist route is the one where Harry gives up, collapses into the darkest chasms of his own mind. Everything is ugly, everything is violent, and the world will fall apart. Harry takes no pleasure in his views - they literally hurt him (by taking away his morality points), but he can't stop making himself and everyone around miserable.

Now, into the supernatural. I'd classify Disco Elysium as magical realism (one of my favourite literary genre.) Many times it reminded me of South American literature, with its smooth mixture of brutal reality and magic that's just right outside your grasp. There are so many moments in DE when you're wondering if something is actually happening, if this world is magical or not. And you never get the answer. Once again, spectacular worldbuilding and atmosphere.

The Pale is an intriguing, unique concept. A mixture of science and something supernatural. The End, Death, Freedom and Oppressor of the world. There are people who travel through it, yes, but they never come back the same. Some don't come back at all. The whole concept is linked to the side plot with the whole in the universe and the scientist woman. It was one of those parts of the game where I just sat in my chair and thought very deeply about not only the reality of DE, but also about ontology in the context of our world.

Dolores Dei and her becoming one with Dora in Harry's mind. What can I say. The dream was so eerie. I find it interesting that it happened towards the end of the game. "I will see you tomorrow, Harry." He’s not free from her. Will he ever be? The figurines won't win her back. Nothing will, because she's gone. The innocence and war criminal at the same time. The love of his life and his nemesis. With a crown on her forehead and an ugly suitcase in her hand.

I could talk about a million more things, but I think this post is already long enough. My final thought is - if you haven't played Disco Elysium, do it. It's one of those games you won't ever forget. I believe that there is a piece of it that detaches itself from the rest and buries somewhere deep within you, not allowing you to ever forget what you've seen.

[hopeymchope]

"Monarch: Legacy of Monsters" might've had a lot less kaiju action than the previous attempt to translate Godzilla into a TV series, but it more than made up for that in quality storytelling!

My sundry observations, gripes, praises and questions:

They really went out of their way to honor the Japanese roots of the source material, didn't they? We're in Japan for a ton of the show, dealing with Japanese and/or Japanese-descended characters for the majority of it, and have a surprising amount of Japanese dialogue throughout — it's nice.

I know Wyatt Russell is a Nepo Baby, but he's honestly still very good at what he does. I don't think the series has any bad acting... but the two Russells (because Kurt Russell is, ofc, amazing), Mari Yamamota (Keiko Miura) and Joe Tippett (Tim) are still the absolute highlights for most of the run, IMO. The Russells and Yamamota do the emotional heavy lifting with aplomb, whereas Tippett is so naturalistic and likable that it's hard not to find him engaging.

Cate starts off the series being such an asshole who doesn't show any empathy for people going through the EXACT SAME SHIT that she is, but I think the later reveal of her trauma on "G-Day" somewhat explains her attitude problem. She then manages to pivot to being much more likable JUUUUST in time for the episode where we get the flashbacks revealing she was a shitty person even BEFORE G-Day. LOL.

May ALSO swings between being likable and being a total ass, and while that sounds like a complaint, I actually sort of appreciate it. We're seeing the main female characters get the kind of nuance and depth to them that they aren't often afforde in mass-market media, and that's cool.

On the flip side, there's Kentaro. The fact that both Cate and May get to act both likable and dickishreally me expect the same thing for Kentaro. They're the trio of young people who make up the titular "Legacy," right? (Well, I guess that's mostly meant to refer to Cate/Kentaro.) So... I was shocked when Kentaro's chance to be a total prick never came around. He's pretty likable and understandable throughout! Even when he's being SUPER harsh on Hiroshi, I still understand it in light of what Hiroshi's done to their families. I feel like maybe Kentaro got something of a short shrift on this front. He gets adequate backstory, mind you, but he also never gets either A) as much focus time as May and Cate, nor B) a chance to come off like kind of a dick like May and Cate sometimes do? It's a little tempting to say that making him the more "pure" of the trio comes off as sexist, but... the way that he gradually is shoved into the background of the story's focus and doesn't even get to go on the big final adventure makes it pretty clear that this ISN'T because the producers favor Kentaro. More like the opposite....

In fact, take particular note of how nobody really gives him credit for how he was the ENTIRE REASON THEY SURVIVED Episode 4. They diss him and don't believe him, and when he's ultimately proven right in a way that saves all their asses? May gives the credit for her survival to Cate for some inexplicable reason. (Except for ONE later moment when neither Kentaro or Cate can know or hear her admit Kentaro saved them.) WTF. I found that frustrating.

That episode was the start of Cate and May becoming incredibly tight-knight with one another, and I'm still not clear on how/why that happened. Is it just because they both vascillate between being chlidish assholes and likable adults?? By the halfway point of the show, I was really getting strong shippy vibes off them. Which would be super cute and sweet if it wasn't also, y'know... kinda shitty. Because May used to be with her brother? Who clearly still had feelings for her when the series starts, just a few days prior? MMM.... not cool, May. To be fair, however, not always caring about their own hurtful/sketchy behavior is actually pretty in-character for them both, so maybe it works. And I suppose you gotta take that happiness where you can get it in this crazy, now-kaiju-laden world.

The character who shows up at the end of Episode 9 completely shocked me. They got me there. And in light of that twist — that character who disappears near the end of the finale? Perhaps this goes without saying, but there's no way we've seen the last of them. ZERO chance... unless the person portraying them doesn't renew their contract for season 2 or something. :P

This is, of course, a "Monsterverse" series. But the logic of how the Hollow Earth works in this show doesn't seem to REMOTELY align with how it was portrayed in Godzilla vs Kong, does it? Not even KIND OF. I wonder if Godzilla x Kong will get that disconnect to retroactively make sense.

At least one returning actor from the Monsterverse films shows up to provide a link... for one scene.

And speaking of the Monsterverse, that's hardly the only Continuity Sketchiness going on here! Serizawa only gets name-dropped ONCE in this series despite the fact that he's still presumably the HEAD DUDE IN CHARGE over there. They keep calling Verdugo the Deputy Director because Serizawa is the director, right?? Though Verdugo sure does make unilateral decisions about the whole-ass organizations multiple times in this show.

All of my prior point is especially goofy when the idea of HELPING Godzilla is treated as this shocking, bizarre concept ..... despite the fact that it's Serizawa's entire fucking philosophy since BEFORE this takes place???

Okay, let's shift back to positives: Takehiro Hira doesn't get as much screen time as many cast members, but his performances over the last two episodes are friggin' emotionally devastating. Fantastic.

The lack of more Toho monsters in the Monsterverse has been something of a downer for me personally, but they still do pull out some really cool original designs. That Frost Vark is pretty badass.

[anneapocalypse]

🎇20 Questions for Fic Writers🎇

Tagged by @dreadfutures ��� Thank you!

Tagging @chocochipbiscuit @farfromdaylight @rakshadow @skyeventide

Blank questions for your convenience! My answers are below the cut.

1. how many works do you have on ao3?

2. what’s your total ao3 word count?

3. what fandoms do you write for?

4. what are your top five fics by kudos?

5. do you respond to comments?

6. what’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

7. what’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

8. do you get hate on fics?

9. do you write smut? if so, what kind?

10. do you write crossovers? what’s the craziest one you’ve written?

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?

14. what’s your all-time favorite ship?

15. what’s a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will? T

16. what are your writing strengths?

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

18. thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

19. first fandom you wrote for?

20. favorite fic you’ve ever written?

Answers!

1. how many works do you have on ao3?

If I count everything, 181. If we're not counting meta pieces, 163.

2. what’s your total ao3 word count?

802,674

3. what fandoms do you write for?

I've written for quite a few, but my big ones have been Fallout, Red vs. Blue, and Dragon Age. I've also written for The Penumbra Podcast, RWBY, Mass Effect, Person of Interest, and The 13 Clocks. (And now I'm also writing for Final Fantasy XIV, though I haven't posted anything yet and probably won't until after I'm caught up with MSQ.)

4. what are your top five fics by kudos?

Homecoming (Red vs. Blue, Tucker & Junior, rated T)

Juno Steel & the Fox's Teeth (Penumbra Podcast, Juno/Peter, rated E)

Sensibility (Penumbra Podcast, Juno/Peter, rated E)

Respite (Red vs. Blue, North/Wash/York, rated T)

Home Front (Fallout 3, Amata/F!LW, rated T)

I was genuinely surprised and charmed at how well-received "Homecoming" was (and continues to be), as I considered it fairly niche at the time of writing, but then, Tucker is a popular character. The response to my Penumbra fics certainly caught me by surprise, in the manor of, "OH, this is what it's like to write the popular pairing!" "Respite" was one of my very early RvB fics and it's not one I'm particularly happy with now, as I think I would have done certain things differently had I written it later, but nonetheless it was well-received; not a lot of people were actually writing North/Wash/York at the time. "Home Front" is one of my favorite Fallout fics I've written; I'm still proud of it.

5. do you respond to comments?

Yes, I try to! Sometimes I take a bit longer these days, but I do try to reply to every comment, barring the odd rude one which I'll just delete or ignore.

6. what’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

It's maybe cheating to say The Fall, given that it's the second in a trilogy so the story isn't actually over at the end of that fic. But that fic is a downer the whole way and ends with the main character's probable death, so. It's pretty angsty. After that, I'd say "Please (Don't Leave Me)", an RvB South/CT fic where CT doesn't live and South is dealing with the aftermath, poorly.

7. what’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I'd say I've written quite a few--I'm a big fan of the hard-won happy ending. I'm going to distinguish happy from fluffy here--I could pick any number of my one-shorts for fluffiest ending--and say The Landing, because relative to what comes before, and also canon, it's an incredibly happy and optimistic ending for Maine.

8. do you get hate on fics?

Rarely. The vast majority of my readers are perfectly sweet and kind. For some reason, my Mainelina fic has drawn the most bad commenters out of any. I wouldn't call those comments hate, but I have gotten a few that were pretty rude and/or backhanded. My guess is that I hit a particular unfulfilled niche with a long Maine-POV fic that happened to appeal to a particular kind of RvB fan, a kind who like Maine and like the fic but also felt the need to like, flex on me about it. Most of them have seemed not overly familiar with fandom etiquette and transformative fandom culture in general. Embarrassing for them tbh. I just ignore or delete them.

9. do you write smut? if so, what kind?

Whatever kind I feel like! Less in recent years perhaps, but that's less a lack of interest and more that I get bored easily if I feel like I'm writing something repetitive, and writing non-repetitive smut can be genuinely challenging! We only have so many words, descriptors, euphemisms, and slang terms that actually sound appealing when you're trying to write erotica, so I think writing good smut requires no small amount of creativity and resourcefulness, and I always admire those who do it well.

Bondage is a theme I've explored repeatedly. I would say that I enjoy writing established relationship smut the most because it can be assumed that the characters already know each other's likes and dislikes. But first-times can be fun too. I think I most enjoy writing smut between characters who trust each other and have a high level of emotional intimacy, whatever the specific activities involved might be.

10. do you write crossovers? what’s the craziest one you’ve written?

To be honest I'm just not really a crossover person. I can find the idea of a crossover interesting, but at the end of the day I just don't enjoy transplanting characters out of their home setting as much as I enjoy exploring who they are within that setting and how it's shaped them.

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

Yes. I had a kink meme fill straight up plagiarized once, very obviously, such that when I took it to the mods it was an open and shut takedown.

I've also had less cut and dry incidents, and those are much harder to know how to deal with. I have had people basically rewrite a scene that I wrote, using pieces of the same dialogue, almost as if they thought we were both interpreting a scene from canon when we were not, it was something that I had made up. And yet it's not really plagiarism strictly speaking, and it wasn't worth the social fallout of calling them out on it, so I never did more than grumble vaguely about what happened. I've also had things where like... I ran across something pretty distinctly inspired by a fic of mine that I know the author had read, without bothering to give me a shoutout. That's not theft, but it is a bummer.

In every such case if the author had just asked me, "Hey, can I borrow your idea here? Can I post a remix of your fic?" I probably would have said yes without hesitation. Hell, even if they had not asked and simply given me a shoutout in their author's notes, I would have been pleased to have inspired them. But they didn't do that, and there's nothing I can do about it but I am going to be cranky about it.

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

I did have someone ask about translating a fic of mine once, and I gave permission, but I never heard back after that, so I don't know if they ever did. (This is something I have blanket permission for, by the way, so long as you let me know about it!)

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?

Sort of? A friend and I did post a polished-up RP as a fic once, though we ended up not keeping it up. In general I think I'm a pretty solitary writer, though I wouldn't rule it out entirely, but I'd have to really feel that both my style and my writing process meshed well with my collaborator.

14. what’s your all-time favorite ship?

I'm too much of a multi-shipper to have a real answer to this.

15. what’s a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

If I want on any level to finish it, then I consider it still on the table. It might take me years to get back to it, but I still mean to. I still want to finish Small Blessings. I still want to finish Radio Silence. I trust that their time will come, even if it's not now.

16. what are your writing strengths?

Character voice, I think. Both dialogue, and getting inside a character's head and writing a plausible inner monologue.

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

Combat, always combat and action scenes, though I do think I'm getting better with practice.

Selfishness. As soon as I need to write something as an obligation to someone else, I don't want to do it, which is why I'd make a terrible professional writer, at least one who has to write to order.

18. thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

Just write it. You don't have to italicize it or put some kind of indicator marks around it. Language is language. I think it's fine to post translations as a footnote but I don't think it's 100% necessary all the time, when it's something the reader can easily look up for themselves. I know I'm willing to do that kind of legwork for a fic I'm enjoying. I suppose it depends on the reader, and what kind of reader you want.

There are also times when it's perfectly fine to just write it in English (or the default language of the piece) while indicating in the narrative that the character is actually speaking in another language, such as ASL. Again I don't think you need to italicize or use some kind of weird formatting. Just write "He signed," and what he said in quotes like you would any other dialogue. If you've firmly established already that a character primarily speaks in ASL, you might not even need that. The reader can keep up.

Things do shift a bit when you're writing in a fictional language, especially one that's very incomplete and not a true conlang. I'll go with the obvious example of Dragon Age's Elvish (and yes, canonically the language is called Elvish or Elven, it's not called Elvhen, that's the people, not the language). Even if I string the appropriate words together, the meaning might not always be strictly clear to the reader out of context because Elvish is a pretty simple cipher. It doesn't have conjugation, for example. Nonetheless, I think often context clues can be enough for an engaged reader, especially if it's a word we encounter a lot in canon. Where it might not be clear, and if it's very important to the story, I will usually simply work some kind of translation into the narrative itself. This can work particularly well when your POV character also has it as a second language. Example from my Briala/f!Tabris draft:

Gheyna and Cammen, having finished tending to the halla, stood aside, hand in hand, and Gheyna waved. "Dareth shiral, Keeper. Talith, Briala, dareth shiral. Sylaise ma ghilana vhenas." Cammen added solemnly, "Dareth shiral, Talith. Elgar'nan ma ghilana, lasa mala enasalin." At that, Talith's expression grew solemn as well. "Ma serannas, lethallen. Dareth shiral." Briala recognized a few words. Dareth shiral, "Safe journey." Vhenas, enasalin. And the names of the elven gods. Gheyna had bid the Hearthkeeper guide them safely home.

I personally prefer to stick to what we have in canon for Elvish (I'm not going to set myself up to be jossed if I don't have to), or if I ever really need an unknown word I'll make something up for myself. While there are some fanmade Elvish dictionaries out there, I'm not comfortable hanging too much of my own work on someone else's fanon, and also I inevitably disagree with some of their decisions on ambiguous canon words. (Ma does not mean "my," it means "you." This is consistent with every canon use of "ma" except one, and that one is in DA2 and is thus really, really likely to have been an oversight due to rushed development; every other instance of "ma" supports it meaning "you." Sorry, that has been eating at me for ages and I needed to get it off my chest. 😅) That said there are multiple fanmade Elvish dictionaries out there at this point, so if you're going to use someone else's, in this case I would strongly recommend supplying the reader with a link, both to credit the author and so the reader knows where to go to look up the words if they choose to. Don't assume that everyone knows you're using so-and-so's Elvish dictionary; I had never even heard of the big popular one until a couple years ago.

That was a lot, but at the end of the day, it's all about making a judgment call on how much you need to hold the reader's hand, as with anything; I personally tend to err on the side of trusting my reader, and if I assumed too much, well, maybe that's my mistake and maybe that reader wasn't my target audience anyway. 🤷🏻‍♀️ You'll figure out what's right for your work.

19. first fandom you wrote for?

The first fandom I wrote for was actually Dragon Age, but that early writing never saw the light of day. First fandom I posted fic for was Fallout.

20. favorite fic you’ve ever written?

OH MAN. That's hard! I referenced The Drop, my Mainelina trilogy for RvB, multiple times in this post so obviously I'm still pretty fond of it. I'll add to that Inroads, my Kimbalina series. For Fallout, I'm real happy with Home Front (Amata/F!LW) and Cast Your Bread Upon the Water (Dr. Li/Star Paladin Cross, past Dr. Li/Catherine/James). And for Dragon Age, my current faves are No Woman Rules Alone (Anora/F!Tabris) and A Pot to Piss In (Sera backstory fic).

[nabataprophet]

without hurting or being hurt

Whenever you lose track of your father, you always find him in the same place. You round the corner of the library and find him, as always, tucked into the back with a thick tome in hand.

You tug at his robes to get his attention. Whenever he's reading, no matter how much you try to raise your voice, you can never draw his attention unless you do this.

"Sophia?!" He yelps, nearly dropping the heavy tome. He catches it at the last moment, breathing a sigh of relief to not have beaned his young daughter right on the head. "Sorry, were you calling me?"

"...Is it... fun...?"

Your voice is shot from playing with Fae all afternoon, but your father knows you well enough to interpret your vague statement and the pointing of your finger.

Your father's face lights up. "Dark magic? Oh, there's so much to learn! I could study just the knowledge gathered in Arcadia alone and not make it through even half—no, not even a fourth—of it in my lifetime! Isn't that incredible? I consider myself pretty learned in the ancient language, too, so just imagine how much faster I could read if I were completely fluent! To be honest, I was also thinking about asking the village elder to help me translate a few sections."

Excitement colors his voice as he launches into an impassioned explanation. Recently, you've noticed him moving slower than usual, but seeing him so passionate soothes your anxieties somewhat.

"Can I... learn, too?"

The bright smile on your father's face fades, replaced by a more complicated expression. He takes the tome in his hand and returns it to its home on the shelf, far above where your tiny hands can reach.

"Honestly, you're my daughter, so you may have a talent in dark magic, but I hope there never comes a day you have to use it, Sophia."

"...Why?"

"Hmmm... let me put it this way. The people who live outside of this village aren't very nice people. They like to hurt other people, especially if they have dragon blood like you do. You're a very kindhearted girl, Sophia, so I hope you never have to hurt another person. Do you understand?"

You nod quietly. You don't want to hurt anyone, either. Sometimes when you close your eyes, you see flashes of visions of people attacking each other with weapons. It's all incomprehensible to a little girl who has only known the safety and peace of a true Utopia. You don't understand why a person would willingly hurt another person.

Your father scoops you up in his arms, holding you close.

"You really do resemble your mother more and more by the day." He strokes your head, affection in his eyes and regret in his voice. "...But I can't help but wish you resembled me as well. Ha ha, forgive your selfish father, Sophia."

It's many years later when you finally understand what he had meant when he told you those words on that day. He is long gone now, his lifespan mere days in comparison to yours. Sometimes you wonder if he had already known at that point that he was never going to be able to see you grow older.

It's not until after the war that you return to the library of your youth. You're tall enough now to pluck that tome off the shelf without even needing to stand on tiptoes. The well-loved pages of the book open easily under your fingers. When you were younger, you had wondered what kind of secrets the book your father had kept hidden from you had contained. By all means, it's just a normal dark tome just like the ones sold in the village's shop.

It's the particulars of the spell that stand out more than anything else. The tome details the usage of a spell that restores life force at the expense of another; the second level of dark magic. It's not particularly complicated magic and indeed, you've handled far more complex magic while traveling with Lord Roy's army.

Your father had been right, though. You still wish that you would never have to hurt another person, but you had no longer been afforded a choice in the matter. There's no way that your father could have known that in the future, your perfect untouchable paradise would be under threat of being invaded or that you would end up being taken prisoner.

He was only human, so how could he have known?

I hope you never have to hurt another person, your father had said. He had hoped you would stay nestled safely within paradise for your whole life.

But a life without hurting or being hurt is impossible, after all.

Class Mastered: Dark Bishop

[esotl]

Performance - Epilogue 1 (Part 24)

Writer: Akira

Season: Spring

Characters: Wataru, Hokuto, Tomoya, Shu, Nazuna, Mitsuru, Makoto, Adonis

Translation Directory

The performance will continue tomorrow, after all. Don't be satisfied with the current state of things, let's update it based on the areas of improvement we noticed while performing.

Location: Cafe

Wataru: Amazing! Great work, everyone~☆

This day's performance went off without a hitch thanks to you!

I'm truly grateful to all the staff and performers who got involved!

Today is my treat! Please, eat and drink to your heart's content, and replenish your energy for the performances to come! Cheers~!

Nazuna: Cheers~♪ Man, you really did well!

Tomo-chin, Mitsuru-chin, you did great! Usually when people I know appear in stuff like this, I end up laughing because I know what their usual behaviour is like♪

But this time I was immersed to the very end, I got really engrossed in it~♪ Seriously, that's a huge deal!

Tomo-chin's in the Drama Club, but who knew Mitsuru-chin had such a talent for acting?

Tomoya: Ahaha. Thank you~ though personally speaking, my performance was full of things to reflect on...

My screaming during the last scene in particular, that was my biggest highlight in the play, but I'm embarrassed because I feel something was missing.

Hokuto: I'd say you were exhausted by that point, so your voice didn't come out.

It didn't even feel like a scream. Though, I think using a sorrowful voice, like it's about to disappear, was good in its own way.

Wataru: Indeed. It somehow became advantageous. As the scenes went on, you got more immersed in your role, and gradually became better, Tomoya-kun~

You got a passing grade, you did your best.

Fufufu. Since you were saying pitiable things like "I don't think I can remember my lines" earlier, I was worried about you.

But in the end, you said all your lines yourself without relying on my substitution, didn't you?

That's my review. Well, there were still a lot of scenes where you weren't acting so much as you were "saying your lines", though.

Tomoya: Uu. Just when I thought you were complimenting me, in the end you're criticising me.

Wataru: It'd be an issue to be satisfied with this. Plus, while this may be a closing party for the staff, it's a review meeting for us.

The performance will continue tomorrow, after all. Don't be satisfied with the current state of things, let's update it based on the areas of improvement we noticed while performing.

Adonis: By the way, how many days will the performance last?

Nazuna: Ten, right? I'm pretty sure I remember that much being written on the promo poster...

The final performance is over a week away, if you're doing this every day I'm sure it'll be a relief when it's over.

Wataru: Well, part way through - tomorrow at the earliest - the members of the acting department who were off sick should be returning...

So each and every one of our burdens will suddenly decrease.

I truly was nervous... I was informed of the vacancies just this morning, so even I was at my wit's end.

Well, I was busy until the opening day, so I hadn't been dutifully keeping in touch with the other parties. It's my mistake.

How hopeless~ it's been a while since I've put on a proper performance, so my intuition has dulled.

Last year, particularly in the last semester, I was cut off from even the acting department, and was only able to do solo shows.

I was so accustomed to being isolated that even though there were vacancies among my associates, I was late to notice.

Hokuto-kun comes along even if I ignore him, so there's no need to contact him... Because of that, I forgot the elementary fact of theatre being a group activity.

Hokuto: Don't forget that. Also, contact people properly. I've also got plans of my own.

Makoto: Now now... But it's incredible that Hibiki-senpai was able to fill the vacancies by playing multiple roles by himself. And he acted so naturally, too-

If Itsuki-senpai hadn't pointed it out, I don't think I'd have noticed to the end.

Wataru: Oh my, so Shu suspected it after all?

Shu: Hmph... Just who do you think I am?

Wataru: I think of you as a kindred spirit, an existence equal to mine, my old friend.

Fufufu. Though, while performing multiple roles by myself isn't an impossibility, it isn't very fun...

I couldn't polish any of the roles outside of my original one, so the result was dissatisfying.

Should I recruit actors from outside the Drama Club and acting department next time?

Like with Mr "Bad Boy"... whoops, I mean, Tenma-kun this time.

As idols, there must be many children who wish to learn and try out acting.

Following after those kinds of people is more difficult than performing alone, but it makes me happy.

I want to invite people like the right-hand man~ and Eichi, too♪

Shu: I thought I noticed him, though. Tenshouin was nonchalantly sat in the audience.

Wataru: Right. I shivered at the thought of him scolding me with "stop neglecting your idol work to only immerse yourself in theatre".

He had a somewhat dissatisfied expression the who~le time.

Shu: Hmph. When it comes to Tenshouin, he wants you to be an idol, doesn't he...

I don't want to speculate what that person feels, but if he's dissatisfied, all I can think is "serves you right".

"Come now Shu-kun, mind your manners! Using dirty language will dirty your soul too, you know?"

Mitsuru: Zzz, zzz...♪

Tomoya: Huh? I thought he was being quiet, Mitsuru's fallen asleep.

Hokuto: Haha. Of course he'll be worn out... How cute, sleeping with his stomach exposed.

Oh? The transfer student brought a towel. Do you intend to use it like a comforter?

It's true that we'll be continuing the performance tomorrow, it'd be an issue for him to fall ill.

Haha. Your eyes are red, were you crying?

Makoto: She's probably lost sleep due to being busier than usual, her hair seems damaged too... It's good to do your best at work, but treat your body carefully, okay?

Wataru: Right. Being an idol, a producer, or an actor are all occupations where your body is your most valuable asset♪

Nazuna: Haha. It wouldn't be a surprise if she was crying, though~ I also teared up a bit... Not because it moved me or anything, but because it was somehow super pitiful.

It was more of a hopeless tragedy than I thought it'd be, so it caught me off guard~?

Maybe I understood the author's feelings of wanting to reverse the tragedy of the play and give those children happiness.

[Act 10 • Directory • Epilogue 2]

[acquired-stardust]

Game Spotlight #1: R4 Ridge Racer Type 4 (Playstation, 1998)

Acquired Stardust’s first game spotlight is here! Follow Ash through experiencing 1998′s R4: Ridge Racer Type 4 for the very first time this year. Definitely worth your time to seek out and play, whether it be on original hardware, emulation or the recent port to the Playstation 5 via PS Plus’ classics catalogue.

Often hailed as ‘the greatest year in gaming’, 1998 was a pretty special time in pop culture as a whole. Massively influential programming block Toonami, responsible for introducing and popularizing anime to a mainstream audience outside of the college campuses where it originally gained traction, added both Sailor Moon and Dragonball Z to its lineup. Pro wrestling was in the midst of a legendary boom period as the Monday Night Wars raged and the famous ‘83 weeks’ came to an end. Seinfeld‘s finale drew an incredible 76 million viewers, famously seeing people gather in a large crowd to watch the hour-plus-long episode on a big screen in Manhattan’s Times Square. 

Indeed, 1998 also featured an incredible slate of games across the world, whether they be new debuts (such as Sega’s Burning Rangers or Acquire’s Tenchu: Stealth Assassins both dropping on the same day in February) or games released in previous years receiving a translation before coming to other countries officially for the first time (such as in the case of Pokemon Red and Blue). This is before getting into other medium paradigm shifts like Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time and Metal Gear Solid. The arcade scene was still thriving as well, with the previous year’s Tekken 3 still leading the scene in money earned and seeing the release of such classics as Marvel vs Capcom: Clash of Super Heroes, Street Fighter Alpha 3 and Dance Dance Revolution. All of these games could easily receive spotlights of their own (and just you wait, I can guarantee you several will), but today we’re talking about Namco’s R4: Ridge Racer Type 4 that dropped on December 3rd, 1998 in Japan.

There’s something so romantic and enrapturing to me about the idea of self-expression and how that can transcend language and culture barriers to create a sort of universal language and culture of its own. Gaming is one of those things that allows people the world over to connect with, such as with fighting games for example often drawing large international crowds for in-person tournaments that see people who otherwise often do not share languages or cultures expressing themselves through character picks and playstyles, in many cases forging lifelong connections and rivalries with people for whom they’ve found a new way to communicate and express themselves through. It’s in this same sort of spirit that I find myself very attracted to racing games, a fusion of man and machine itself filtered through a machine. Faceless competitors vying for first place with tires screeching and motors whirring, each with particular strategies and styles and levels of ability. The idea of racing games is very attractive to me, but ones that manage to hold my interest for very long are very few and far between. Ridge Racer Type 4 has managed to capture and hold that interest for way longer than I’d anticipated upon trying it for the first time through absolutely oozing style and atmosphere in a way media as a whole can often only dream of doing.

Starting off with what has my vote for easily one of the top ten prerendered cutscenes of all time, the opening of this game alone is an absolute bomb of aesthetics the likes of which I’ve rarely seen before. Composer Kouta Takahashi teams with vocalist Kimara Lovelace (herself having several top 10 hits over the years) to deliver the incredible Urban Fragments theme song that plays over a slick, well directed scene in what ends up being a recurring strength of the game: an incredible soundtrack meeting incredible low-poly visuals creating a top notch experience, and that’s to say nothing of the gameplay which is a wonderful mixture of arcade-style action and simulation, which is to say the game can feel a bit like bumper cars when crashing but otherwise nails a very satisfying blend of physics, acceleration and traction that makes it feel just enough like you’re actually behind the wheel of the cars. Visual design of the tracks are varied between speedways Japanese style mountainside races with the levels themselves providing plenty of challenge and opportunity that mixes well with car handling and a surprisingly intuitive drift mechanic, providing a wonderful feeling of actually getting better and more consistent as you put more time into the game. Brake light trails dance behind cars beautifully as planes fly overhead and helicopters film the action while satisfying control meets an outstanding soundtrack inspired by various popular genres of the time (such as house music, drum n bass and acid jazz) to create what is an experience far more engrossing than I ever expected it to be. 

Speaking of ‘engrossing’, did I mention there’s a story mode in this game? That’s right, there’s actually a story mode in this game bundled into the Grand Prix. Presented in the style of a linear visual novel with dialogue that slightly changes depending on race placements, Grand Prix allows the player to pick one of four teams, all of which are named in reference to earlier Namco releases. Grand Prix sees the player a new recruit to either the French, Italian, American or Japanese teams and interacting with their team captain as they progress through a series of eight races of steadily progressing difficulty divided into three tiers that must be finished in progressively better minimum position as you advance through the three tiers of races. These stories are all interconnected to a surprising degree with each character the player interacts with having some sort of connection to the character featured on another team, and the story punches above its weight in terms of emotional content as well, several times managing to be oddly sad and touching, certainly the last thing one would expect going into a racing game.

In a year commonly hailed as ‘the greatest year in gaming’ full of genre and medium defining classics, R4: Ridge Racer Type 4  absolutely belongs in the conversation of the best games of that year. I’d argue it could easily be deserving of a spot on a list of best games on the Playstation as a whole, and wouldn’t bat an eye at someone saying it has a spot on their list of all time favorites. Heck, it might’ve even landed a spot on my own list of all time favorites. It’s one of the strongest combinations of attributes you can find anywhere in the medium, packed into a racing game of all things, which typically do not attract the sorts of acclaim particularly in retrospect as things like Final Fantasy VII or Metal Gear Solid, but I promise that if you give this game a try you’ll come away wowed and wonder how you ever missed it regardless of whether or not you have any prior interest in racing games or the genres of music featured in the game. R4: Ridge Racer Type 4 presents an incredible world through the marriage of its sound, visuals and gameplay that is absolutely attention stealing and will stick in your mind long after you put your controller down. Definitely be prepared to add a few of these songs to your usual rotation.

A gem hidden among the stones, R4: Ridge Racer Type 4 is undoubtedly stardust.

--Ash

[spectralstitions]

I thought it would be fun to show off the result of FOUR (4) ENTIRE YEARS OF DESIGN PROGRESS!!! The first design was made in March of 2020, the second in May of 2024! Even though he looks completely different now, he's gotten so much closer to my vision. I guess that's some form of design improvement!

Silas has always been a difficult character for me to design. I created him a few days after creating Finlay for the purpose of giving Fin some kind of companion to play off of. But I think because of that I never really figured out what to DO with his character. His personality has always remained about the same, but what about his ambitions??? his goals in life?? He wasn't much more than an accessory to Finlay, and none of the ideas I came up with stuck around for very long.

For most of the time I've had him, he was a runaway prince, which I eventually scrapped because, although I thought the romantic aesthetic of that was very fitting, it was just creating problems with the worldbuilding and I really had zero interest in exploring any of its practical implications. For a little while he was an astronomer and/or astrologer, and even though it made sense for his star theme, I dropped that too because honestly I just had zero fun learning about that stuff in order to write him. The prince thing evolved into him being some kind of chosen one character who didn't really care about his destiny, but that was quickly scrapped as well because, well, I just think chosen one stories are boring.

So, yeah, I was really stuck on his character for a long time, which is why I stopped drawing him for so long. UNTIL NOW! Earlier this year, I realized I could use the fact that I didn't know what to do with him. I did some reflecting and realized I would be INCREDIBLY interested in exploring the effect that a relationship like his with Finlay has on a person: when you center all your hopes and dreams on one person and nothing else. Realizing it's not working for you anymore, but being unable to admit it because it'd be like throwing your entire life away -- but you're miserable going on without addressing it. So here he is, finally: a naive and lonely guy with a romantic worldview, who gives up his current life for the promise of a more fun and fulfilling one, courtesy of his first love. 'Course, things don't exactly work out in the fairytale way he was hoping for. His arc is about a lot of things, but much of it has to do with him figuring out his place in the world. Very coming of age vibes, even if he's probably a late bloomer in that regard, much like me haha.

Although he isn't a prince anymore, I've always envisioned him with somewhat regal looking clothes, so I incorporated that into the worldbuilding of his people. Or, well, the forestblood, anyways. They've got a gothic aesthetic that I love leaning into, but in a regal, delicate way, with inspiration from various goth design tropes translated through my particular fantasy lens.

Another thing he's lost over the years is his star theming - sort of. This is yet another point that I actually put into the worldbuilding. So instead of his design emphasizing stars, now it's his backstory. (which has to do with the section about the desert I wrote in this post!) Seeing the stars again is more of a goal now that represents his yearning.

A lot about his current outfit is meant to reflect his naivety, romanticism, and his interest in adventuring. He's got elements that pull from ideas of adventurer clothes, but with extra flourishes and some impracticalities. For example, wearing a long cloak with tassels isn't the most practical thing for navigating dense woodland, and neither is an ornamental knife. But he just sees a cloak and a knife, the kinds of things travelers have got in stories (and lord knows Finlay embellishes his stories).

Another thing about his shadowy cloak (and his overall color palette being relatively monochrome) is that it symbolically reflects who he is in regards to his relationship. If you're a Crane Wives fan, you could say he bore the shadows that Fin made with no light of his own :P

Across all my ocs, I've also made it a goal to simplify their color palettes as much as possible. I don't want my color palettes to include any colors that are only slightly different from some other color on the palette. The only exception to this rule is for eye color, since I think a slight difference like that helps to draw the viewer's eye to the face, which is important. This is something I used on Silas, actually! He's just a great example of everything, isn't he!

It's been really fun seeing the evolution of my ocs' design elements as I accumulate a better design vocabulary, especially with the outfits. Silas has nearly always had a cloak, gloves, and some kind of tassel and clasp situation. Intuitively, I knew these elements needed to be there in order for him to feel like Silas, but they never felt quite right the way I incorporated them -- UNTIL NOW!!!!!

His asymmetrical, fancifully clasped cloak and top are in line with the worldbuilding. Horned and antlered raswa wear them to emphasize their (very loose equivalent of) masculinity. His "gloves" are now an extension of his top, meaning I no longer have to worry about creating contrast between the gloves and his shirt and his cloak while making all three darker than his skin. Also, instead of the dark part on his legs being boots, now they're his darker colored fur and hooves, and instead of those vaguely defined pants he's got leg wraps and puffy shorts with specific textures. He's been streamlined, specified, and made more cohesive! I'm very happy with the result!!

[ayliamc]

Italia

Days 0 & 1 - Planes, Trains, and Penises

Steps walked: 23,230

Flights climbed: 11

Vehicles ridden: 7

Points of interest visited: 1

Lemons spotted: Yes.

When you have a one hour layover in Montreal, and your flight to Montreal is delayed half an hour, you’re starting your trip with what I like to call a “cinched sphincter”.

Long story short, we made it. One uneventful three hour flight to Montreal (PLANE #1) led us to sprint thru the Canadian airport and find ourselves tucked onto an eight hour flight to Roma* (PLANE #2) where we got priority served some surprisingly yummy vegan dinners with an equally surprising complimentary wine. Some movies and some sleep later we had a significantly less satisfying breakfast before landing on time in Rome.

Planes: ✔️

Our TRAIN #1 got us from the airport into Rome proper where we hopped onto our TRAIN #2 with about five minutes to spare. A two hour trip to Napoli had me napping uncomfortably and waking up in a significantly more unpleasant mood thanks to a little bitch I’ve named “Hunger”. By now it was 1pm local time, our bodies thought it was 7am, and we’d had naught by a lousy dry muffin on the plane, some oversteeped bitter tea, and jackshit for lunch. And we still had to get onto TRAIN #3 which would at last take us to our final destination… for the moment…: Pompei.

Despite paying for Dan’s phone to be useable abroad, we had apparently already exceeded a limit we didn’t know existed which forced us after some scrambling to navigate to our hotel the old fashioned way: looking at street signs and a map. All accompanied, don’t forget, by Hunger, whom nobody likes.

Then naturally no one was at the very small little BnB we had booked so we had to contact someone to let us in, who assured us they would be there in 5-10 minutes. In Italian that translates to, “at least ten minutes.” (I’m learning that they live at a different pace than I do, the Italians. Much less concern with “getting there”, ‘twould seem after my whole half day of observation.)

Anyway it’s all well and good. Our BnB is a quintessentially classic little European building which makes the contrast of minimalist modern interior design particularly amusing. But it’s clean and close to the ruins, which is the goal.

Not the immediate goal though. That’s food.

I found a restaurant .07 miles away that claimed to have options “vegano” and after an initial paralyzing fear that I’d chosen the wrong restaurant due to the screaming baby behind us, they left almost immediately leaving us the whole place to ourselves.

We gorged ourselves on fresh pasta with mushrooms and garlic, paid quickly, and booked it to the ruins for our four o’clock tour.

Our poor guide had to do the whole tour in both English and Spanish which was a little bit of a bummer for us but still filled with lots of info about the ruins and also a hilariously stereotypical Italian interaction with our guide. “Ok, so-a here-a we-a have-a the penis-a arrow-a…”

You get the idea.

And yes, now you mention it, so many dicks in Pompei. Brothels with rooms dedicated to particular sex positions (indicated by the incredibly preserved illustrations above each room), dicks carved into the roads pointing the direction to the brothels for sailors who just came to port, dick illustrations in lieu of street names.** And lots of stories of orgies in the homes there as well. Free love was rampant in the Roman Empire. Also sacrifice and slavery and sewage running ankle deep in the streets which led to raised sidewalks and raised crosswalks.

‘Twas incredible to see how well preserved many of these structures are. Still vibrant with color, reliefs still in great condition, original tile floors… I mean I couldn’t believe how much of what we saw was original. And still more is being excavated all the time! What else will they uncover?

We saw a few molds of the bodies. It’s hard to imagine how terrifying that ordeal must have been. Hopefully it was fast for everyone.

We wandered around for over two hours and barely made a dent in the park, but we were rapidly fading from human to spirit, alive to dead, and it was time to go home.

We stopped at a grocery store and immediately realized we had no idea what to buy, and couldn’t read Italian ingredients anyway. So after wandering around like ghosts for five minutes we bought juice then left.

The place we stopped at for dinner was … adequate. Would not recommend but it did in a pinch. We got some bland food to go and ate it in silence in our hotel room, counting down the minutes until we could shower in our doorless-hotel-shower and pass out.

Which is what I’m about to do now.

*why on earth do we give proper nouns different names in English? Why do we say Florence when we could say Firenze? Why do we say Naples when we could say Napoli? I’ve been in Italy for less than a day and I’m already irritated by this.

** Pompei was a trade town and people spoke many different languages including but not limited to Greek and Latin. So street names were not a good universal way to identify an address. Instead, they used symbols and imagery. We saw a sun, a face, and — yes — a dick.

[ferociousconscience]

#1, #4, #25 character meme for Javert?

Original ask game post is here - Please do send me more! LM characters greatly preferred, but I'll take Anna Karenina and other such lit characters, try me!

All for Javert! children_shouting_yay.wav

Why do you like or dislike this character?

Everything? No? Too easy of an answer? Puts hands on my cheeks… Man… I just… I think Javert's so cool. Pathetic in his own way, purposefully ignorant, sad, but cool and confident nonetheless. I looooove characters who are incredibly confident and faithful to something that isn't good for them. I love characters who are misguided but nonetheless noble in their own right. I love characters that double down on the worst versions of themselves, only to have a big crushing crisis later. I could go on. I also just really like detective stories, not only cop dramas but all sorts of mysteries. I think they make for compelling storytelling... I also just really like how he looks, 40-50 years old, masculine, tall, stern, well-dressed, BIIIIG SIDEBURNS (favorite bit tbh), top hat… I really like that sort of thing… Characters with lots of clothes. Big facial hair, collars, hats, and sleeves especially. Pointing at Javert. This is my hole it was made for me

If you could put this character in any other media, be it a book, a movie, anything, what would you put them in?

Hmmm… I do think about this a lot, but the answer I have for you is perhaps a bit odd. I've been reading a lot of books lately, and I often think about throwing all the book characters of a general time period into a big crossover hangout. LM, Hugo's other works, Anna Karenina, Phantom of the Opera, all those sorts of books. Putting them all in a box and shaking them around. In particular, I think Javert would be fond of (or perhaps just suck up to) Minister Karenin from AK. "A magistrate is never wrong" etc. I also have a Blade Runner au where Javert is a replicant Blade Runner himself. Maybe one day I'll do art of that!

What was your first impression of this character? How about now?

There are certain characters that have floated into my life through one channel or another that IMMEDIATELY leave a strong impression on me. I will hear a character speak, read a character's intro, or see their design, and it's like a lightbulb of "Oh I am going to fall in love with them, aren't I?" … I say this because Javert was one of those characters. I was very, very young when I saw a production of the LM musical (mom took to me a lot of musicals when i was a baby) and because of my burgeoning uniform appreciation (due to Barbie and the Nutcracker viewing at a critical moment) I saw the Javert come in and was like… Ooooo. I tried to read Les Mis when I was about 10 and simply lost interest somewhere in the MsurM chapters because of how awkward the translation was (it was that godforsaken purple paperback. you know the one). Still, Javert remained in my heart for all this time, albeit in the shadows until the surge of 2012 fandom... let's not talk about that time... and then, now. He's one of the foundational characters in my collection of blorbos. Now, I feel even "closer" to him, insofar as one can get close to a fictional character. The previous bouts of Javert Appreciation have been naught but fleeting things… Now. I am fully obssessed. This is my final form. Etc.

[dearsheroozle]

i finally subscribed to dropout after seeing your posts about dimension 20 and game changer! i was wondering if you had any recommendations for campaigns (or other shows) to watch first? i've only seen clips or gif sets of all of them

OMG anon this makes me so so so so so happy and I hope you know what can of worms you just opened because this is one of my hyperfixations.

This is probably going to be a bit long (ETA: it was), so I'm throwing a cut down. I apologize in advance for the length. I am going to operate on you knowing very little background, so I apologize if I say things you already know. Just tryna cover my bases!

Hmmm okay. As far as campaigns for dimension 20 goes, it'll depend on your taste and how you like to do things.

Fantasy High is their first season, and if you like to watch things in order, I'd start there. I'd caution that this is true early days, and the cast (including Brennan, sometimes) are not as familiar with 5e yet, so please note that rules will be kinda wonky sometimes. Personally, I found it charming to watch them grow as players! Anyways, here is a bulleted list, in no particular order, that may or may not be helpful:

Fantasy High, Fantasy High: Sophomore Year (also referred to as D20: Live), Pirates of Leviathan, and The Seven, are all part of the same universe, released in the order I put them in. You can watch Pirates and the Seven without watching FH (they're side quests, which means they bring in guest players who are not of the main cast, and the seasons typically are shorter in episode quantity), but you might miss some easter eggs and references. Set in a world based on if John Hughes 80s movies vibes were translated to dnd! Very Breakfast Club right out the gate. I love it very much, and The Seven made me laugh and cry the most out of any season I think, as far as range of emotion goes.

If you don't care if it's about dnd, and want something shorter, I'd recommend Misfits and Magic. This was part of the Summer of Aabria Event, also a side quest, and she GMed a modified game of Kids on Brooms (Brennan is a player in this one). Subverting tropes and ideas that stemmed from... well, you know, that wizard series. And it made me cry like a baby and I loved the dynamic between the players very much. It's only four episodes, with a holiday special as well. It's a good place to start if you wanna get used to D20's edited production format.

I have a soft spot for The Unsleeping City (and its second season), as it has some of my very favorite Intrepid Heroes (this is how the fandom refers to the main cast of d20) player characters. It's Brennan's love letter to New York City, and it's an urban fantasy with very heroic themes. This is a Great full season to start with in my opinion!

My personal favorite season is A Crown of Candy. Please don't start with this one. It will be devastating. Low magic fantasy akin to Game of Thrones, but with way less misogyny and way more anthropomorphic foods. I know how it sounds. Believe me. Don't start here. (You can do what you want, really, but I have to be able to say I warned you.)

A Starstruck Odyssey uses a modified version of Star Wars 5e, and they made probably the most busted overpowered characters I've ever seen them make. It's really fun, and if you love space, you'll love this! I also loved this because while I'm very familiar with regular 5e, SW5e is completely different. So watching them do things I've never even heard of was incredibly refreshing.

Aabria also DMed a side quest that mixed 5e with Good Society, and it's regency meets the FeyWild. RP-heavy, and shenanigans abound. Absolutely unhinged repression arcs that had me screaming into my hands. A Court of Fey and Flowers!

Escape from the Bloodkeep is their first side quest, and notable guest star in this season is Matthew Mercer himself. It's a Lord of the Rings parody where everyone plays... a villain? 👀 Somehow incredibly wholesome regardless. This is also a very good side quest to start with, if you want a taste of how Brennan DMs.

As far as other shows go, Game Changer IS excellent. I would also recommend the spin-off Make Some Noise. Other shows I love are:

Breaking News Network: It will make you laugh. Pretty much guaranteed. They have people read from a teleprompter and they do not know what it will say. They are not allowed to smile or laugh.

A message from the CEO, starring Brennan Lee Mulligan: You might find most of these on YouTube already, but basically Brennan plays multiple beleaguered CEOs trying to make publicity videos for their products. Satirical and hilarious.

Dirty Laundry: Guests come in and submit secrets to the production team, and the host will read a secret out loud, and they try to guess whose secret it was. I have learned some truly insane things about people.

Total Forgiveness: Two cast members come up with challenges for each other, on the premise that if they complete the challenge, the production company will give them money to go towards their college loans. It's incredibly funny, but also if you suffer from secondhand embarrassment easily, this may not be for you.

Um, Actually: This is another game show! Players are given prompts where part of the prompt is incorrect, and they have to buzz in with the correction. Jeopardy rules: they have to say Um, Actually first, or else no points. The most pedantic show (affectionate).

Jesus I am so sorry about the length, and probably the incoherent nature of this entire thing. I could give you a breakdown of every single season of d20 easily, in chronological order, but I feel like I'm already on the verge of overwhelming and scaring you away LMAO.

Thank you for indulging me as well. I love talking about Dimension 20 and Dropout is truly the best streaming service I'm paying for currently.

[endofapaige]

A London Day in the Life and a Little Theatre Review

Anyone who knows me will know my three joys in life, in no particular order, are: cinema, books and musicals. Obviously, books and cinema are much more accessible than musicals nowadays, and 300x more affordable. I mean I have access to the soundtracks but writing reviews about soundtracks doesn’t sound particularly substantial. Anyway, end of May or early June this picture-perfect afternoon (it actually was) my friend Georgia and I were sat in my bedroom trying to revise for our A Level exams. We were bored. Georgia and I spend money when we’re bored. And that ended with us in debt but a day trip to Central London booked to see Dear Evan Hansen.

With the release of the movie starring Ben Platt, who now is the Evan Hansen thanks to him bringing the character to Broadway for the first time, being released October of last year, which I saw in cinema, I didn’t go into this musical blind like I usually do with such shows. I’m going to see Book of Mormon next month knowing 4 songs at most. However, by no means did it sour my watching of it in the slightest.

For those of you who don’t know, Dear Evan Hansen is a musical production that follows depressed, anxious teen Evan as he falls into a spiral of lies following the death of his high school classmate Connor Murphy. It’s a heart-breaking yet refreshingly comedic take on mental health and suicide with the key message of ‘you will be found’.

The current face of Evan Hansen in London is Sam Tutty, who from a plethora of YouTube videos I discovered was insanely and unfairly talented. However, we had Marcus Harman in the titular role. Also disgustingly talented by the way. He played the role to perfection, with the incredible vocal range and the very Ben Platt-like gestures and stutters I loved in the movie. So perfect in fact it took us until the interval to actually realise it was an understudy at all (we we’re sat right at the back and we’re both relatively blind so that could’ve been it).

The highlight of the show had to be Rupert Young though, who played Connor’s dad, Larry. With vocal abilities that make your jaw drop to him being the reason I finally let loose a tear, it’s no wonder his CV on the DEH website is so bloody long. (As I write this I’m starting to wonder if I’m actually getting the actors right, I’m going completely from vague face shape I remember and the pictures on the website).

As with every live performance, there’s a couple of mishaps. We had a wrong line in a song, a timing issue in the opening song and a couple of pitchy harmonies. None of which really ruined it though so I can’t spend too long grumbling about it. Plus, there were so many good parts that largely outweighed everything else. The set was incredibly cool, I cannot wrap my head around how they can just walk on and off moving sets without tripping over their own feet. Jack Loxton, who played Jared, was hilarious the entire way through. And I adore all the extra dialogue they cut out of the soundtrack, partly because I’m never quite sure what’s scripted and what’s improvised and partly because that’s the bit that gets me obsessed with the characters to the point, I start muttering the extra bits I remember in the gaps when I’m singing the songs in the car.

When comparing it to the movie it’s a tricky one, because at the heart of it all the film is an incredible remake of the stage production. Though I think it’s easier translating stage script to screen than it is with the likes of a novel. The movie cuts some of the best songs, namely Disappear and Good for You, both of which were my highlights of the stage show. It’s hard to be mad though, because watching it on stage you can tell the songs we’re written to be performed live, and the film wouldn’t have done it justice at all. Obviously on stage you miss the cinematic elements with the camera shots and time cuts. A lot of the show consists of two characters stood in boxes of light taking to each other via the internet, a device that shouldn’t really work on stage, but DEH does do quite well, however it’s an easier watch in the movie. There’s also a repetitive flashback sequence of Evan running towards a tree in the film that was beautifully shot and adds that sense of ‘oh fuck’ to the film as we learn more and more about how Evan broke his arm. Something the show loses, however the show’s final reveal of this in a scene with his Mum which was much better done and hard-hitting than in the film. The show also incorporates a lot more of Connor Murphy whereas the film leaves him behind for the most part (physically I mean, the entire plot is about him, he’s mentioned throughout the entire thing) after the first act. The pop up of Connor throughout the show made it for me, embarrassingly he might be one of my favourite characters, no matter how much they antagonise the poor kid.

Overall, I don’t think anything quite compares to a good musical and this was a great one. We had an all-boys school school trip sat in front of us, they must’ve been 15/16, and a lot of them were crying, so when I tell you it’s heartbreaking. I really and truly mean it. But don’t let that deter you, and if you can’t afford to see the musical, which is closing for good on the West End and Broadway very soon, I’d definitely recommend watching the film as soon as you can. It’s not far off a masterpiece.

While I’ve got you, if you’re still reading of course, the day didn’t start and end with seeing Dear Evan Hansen. We spent the entire day in London and got up to some cool stuff. So, if you care, I’m not subjecting you to an entire blog post about it, but I’ll run you through it quickly. We started our day in Euston, where we walked off the train saw some attractive lad in a suit and tried to decide if he was going to a wedding and if he was actually attractive or he was just in a suit. We made our way to Taco Bell, which was my choice I’d never had it and wanted to try it, while we sweated in the 25º London heat and I tried to keep my bra covered by my top. I’ve never faced such a difficult feat. Taco Bell was average, I got a crunchwrap supreme and realised a bite in that when I’d dislodged my braces the other day I can no longer bite or chew on my back teeth. Not fun.

We made our way to the theatre, sweating some more, walking past all the other theatres and advertisements for musicals, Georgia and I pointing at them and claiming we want to see that one every few seconds. In the theatre we were sat next to another attractive lad, spent the wait for the show to begin deciding if he was actually attractive or he was just taking his Nan to see a show (incredibly cute).

After the show we wandered into Forbidden Planet, I walked around the whole shop pointing at overpriced collectibles claiming that I can’t afford them. Oh, how tempted I was to spend £140 on a Mjolnir replica though. We accidentally walked into a book signing, we googled the guy while we were stood there, found out he’s a comic book artist for DC. Incredibly cool.

The only must we had for the day other than seeing the show was to go to Waterstones Piccadilly, considering we are both massive book lovers and it’s the biggest book shop in Europe. Luckily, I didn’t spend a month’s wages in there but as we walked in, I did see a big pop up that the set of Charlie Spring’s bedroom from the Heartstopper show was still up, which I was convinced closed down last week following London Pride, you can imagine how excited I got. Heartstopper is one of my biggest hyperfixations at the minute. The Waterstones was beautiful though, spread across 7 floors, most of which had little bookish knickknacks like a set from Where the Crawdads Sing, the swinging bench from the Bridgerton show (which I unfortunately didn’t take a picture on) and a massive LEGO Harry Potter statue. Highlight of my day.

We then got lost, obviously, and somehow ended up in Trafalgar Square. We went full tourist. Walked to Covent Garden, there was some street performer who got some poor man to climb under his legs with a chain. Twice. It was very odd, and he took too long to get it over with, so we left before he finished his act. Leicester Square we saw another street performer, couldn’t tell you what he was doing I couldn’t see over the people. But we did see some very very very big posters for Thor: Love and Thunder. I think the remnants of the premiere were still floating around.

We got the tube from Leicester Square back to Euston, in traditional Londoner style, and Georgia and I decided that our future would be spend in that city sharing a shitty little one bed we can barely afford with two jobs, but it’d be worth it for the vibes. And with a pasta salad from the M&S Food Hall, we were back on the train on the way home. Exhausted.

Now I’ll let you go and watch Dear Evan Hansen while you and I both hope I post something at least before I end up at University with no time to spare again.

[audaciousamadeus]

Whiplash

I breathed in the familiar air of the busy Frankfurt Hauptbahnhof. Walking out of the station, I saw a group of crackheads jumping up and down and hugging each other. Cute. Lovely to be back.

When I was on the train I had the impulsive thought of having coffee with one of my friends from the circle of people associated with my first flatshare in Frankfurt. Back in October 2019 when I moved in, during the final months of pre-pandemic times, my flatmates (AKA: The vegan witchy muse that now also lives in London and the most elegant and cultured monster fucker novel fan) would invite their friend group to come to the flat and hang out often. That's how I got my first friends in my new life. Those months were incredibly blissful and I hold a place dear in my heart for all of these people even if I don't speak much to them anymore. I remember my first impression of this particular friend, Emo Cowboy, during one of the many celebrations organised in the flat, in which he was still pre-transition and I thought he looked too intimidating and cool. A few hours and drinks later however I realised I couldn't be more wrong as we bonded over growing up with Jewish culture, anime, and similar sides of the internet. I missed him, our conversations and coffee hangouts.

Thankfully, he agreed to meet for a brief coffee before going to work. We didn't have much time, but it was still refreshing. Afterwards, I headed to my stubborn Belgian friend's place, which would be my home for the next 3 days while he was away in Belgium visiting his family. Stepping in, I noticed how the flat still had an aura of barely lived in. Almost a soulless Airbnb, as he had only recently moved in and this was his first time out of a flatshare since finishing his PhD and starting a job in industry (hence having enough money to have a flat for himself). But looking closer, one could see the cute memorabilia and signs of my friend's cheeky personality, starting to take root in the flat.

My goal for today was to rest. To eat something fresh and healthy but yummy, to have a nap and read a bit. Oh. Right. And to work on an application for a conference in Denmark, which was my priority conference for this year.

Most people in my lab work on the mechanisms of RNA regulation sometimes applied to dementia, and I am the only person in the lab who researches RNA translation, or protein synthesis, in neurons. The name of the conference was literally The Brain Conference: Neuronal Protein Synthesis Mechanisms in Health and Disease, and it was gonna happen in October. My boss told me back in December of 2023 that I would have to be at this conference, so I couldn't fuck this up. The organiser is my previous boss from Frankfurt, who won the Brain Prize this year. I attended this (actually as my first-ever conference) back in 2021 and as a matter of fact that is where I met my current boss. So this event holds a lot of significance for me.

But...to complete my application, I needed to present a poster and have an abstract for it. I was, however, struggling to come up with an abstract given the fiasco that currently was my data. What would I even present? And the deadline was for the next day, so I needed to come up with something fast. Considering that I had abstracts from previous posters, I decided to Slack my boss about the situation and ask him whether he would still want me to go or not and to make this a problem for next-day me. With that, I took my nap and woke up in search of food. My friend had only left behind some sausages, sauces and a carton of Starbucks Cappuccino in his fridge, and although I am grateful for him telling me that I could use whatever he had, this just wouldn't do, so I went to the Rewe nearby. The neighbourhood is very close to the one that I spent my pandemic days in, Westend. On the way back, I admired my old guiding light for whenever I had no directions and a dead phone, the Europaturm. It was close to my old flat so I could never get lost.

None of my close friends from the Max Planck were in town, unfortunately. My lab partner in crime and pipette thief, Miho, was in another city, cheeky Belgian was visiting his family, Cephalopod celebrity and their girlfriend were in Greece, Sunshine Athlete was also away somewhere and the rest of my previous labmates were nowhere to be found. The curse of Summer in Europe.

Regardless, on the next day, I arranged to pick up my bass with Cephalopod celebrity's flatmate, who was in town, and had lunch with someone from the cheeky Belgian's old lab. We did get along very well before and have good conversations about politics, but this guy can be a bit too much (as in, a relentless human shitposting machine), so I could only handle him in small doses. He was more tolerable this time, which indicates that he was a bit depressed. Thoughts and prayers, buddy, hang in there, you're almost finishing your PhD. We met in Riedberg, where the institute is, at the very end of Frankfurt.

This place gives me some very strange feelings. Some paranoia about seeing people I know due to the high percentage of researchers here. A feeling I cannot label that is similar to nostalgia as I remember the amount of time spent here in the lab, on the campus, and the first time that I arrived here (two days after arriving in Frankfurt) and signed my contract only to realise that this was real and not a scam. Not only that, but that this was the most fancy research building I had ever seen. And that, with my contract, I would be able to afford my living here and suffice for a visa application. It gives me some pride, remembering how much I grew scientifically and personally during that time and some embarrassment thinking about how little I knew back then and the many mistakes that I did.

It feels oddly small now, but it was my everything. Maybe that's exactly why I had to leave.

After lunch, I decided to not overextend my stay in Riedberg and went back to the city centre, where I walked a bit around my old neighbourhood to give my brain some more oxygen. I needed to be REALLY creative for the abstract as today was the deadline.

Westend is quite a boring neighbourhood. Most of the people living there are either old money, bankers or diplomats who worked in the nearby embassies. I managed to live there during the entirety of the pandemic in a flat that used to be the family home of a Bulgarian family. The son was around my age and was the only one still inhabiting it, although he was usually in his girlfriend's place. Moving out of my first flatshare, where I made all of those lovely friends, and moving into this more distant flat right at the start of the pandemic in February 2020 felt like a bit of a harsh transition, and I remember crying on the first night, but I grew to appreciate that place. The one thing that kept me sane during those days was the Grüneburgpark, so I decided to have a walk in it before going back to the flat.

I kept few friendships from my Masters' Programme, but thankfully the strongest one still lived in Frankfurt and agreed to come over tonight for dinner. I decided to make homemade pizza from scratch and get a bottle of wine. She said she would bring watermelon as a dessert. While the dough was rising I tried to work on the abstract. I sincerely thought about giving up, although my boss was hopeful, but then I saw that the deadline had been extended by 2 weeks. I saw this as a sign from the universe and decided to then only think about work again when I got back in London, but was filled with determination to do all sorts of experiments to get interesting data when I was back. So I Slacked my boss saying that I would go on and still intended to join the conference, despite being terrified of embarrassing him by representing him with mediocre data in front of my old boss.

But something would work out. It had to (I'm really not a person of faith, but I tried my best).

My mind could now finally enter vacation mode, so I put on some music and started preparing the sauce and the ingredients for the pizza. I got special heirloom tomatoes, fried some aubergines in olive oil, a bit of honey and garlic, chopped some basil, and cut mozzarella.

By the time the first pizza was in the oven, my guest had arrived. Perfect timing. My guest, known as "the Russian girl" by many friends, came straight from the lab, tired and with lots of things to do for a publication, but chose to come regardless. People in the Masters course have revealed to me that they didn't know how it was possible that we got along so well. "You are just so nice and she is such a bitch" they said, verbatim.

The Russian girl was indeed quite a character. Certainly her sharp and icy cold blue eyes and directness could be quite intimidating. She projected an aura of ruthless confidence that some could say was borderline masculine, and certainly cannot conceal the distaste in her face for certain people. But somehow amidst similar taste in media and cynical sense of humour we got along just fine. It was also surprising to me in the very beginning and it did make me wonder if she was attracted to me. Just as I was beginning to also feel something I reminded myself that this thought pattern was very self-centered and unlikely to be true. After finding out that she had a husband back in Russia would soon move in with her, I cut off that idea for good as well as my tiny crush before it could become a fully fledged obsession that would devastate me.

Little did I know however that I was wrong about her feelings. At some point in 2022 we both discussed our feelings and she, quite directly, offered me a place in her open marriage in case I wasn't in a relationship (which, at the time, I was). It has always been a shock when discovering that people were attracted to me. I know very few instances, and it's even more shocking and almost unheard of when it's something reciprocal, but I'm slowly dealing with it better and trying to repeat in my head that it's shouldn't be that absurd.

This dinner was the first time we met when I was not in a relationship, so needless to say there was a small component of tension to it although very minor.

Sometimes I do forget that I am bisexual, and moments like these make me remember that it is indeed valid for me to identify as such. I do not know exactly how to describe our conversations but I do see a bit of a Erik Lensherr and Charles Xavier dynamic before the bitterness that defines most of their interactions in X-men. It feels playful, witty, and connected. She is also an amazing storyteller and really thoughful when it comes to the people that she holds dear. Especially considering the recent heartbreak in August I almost wished I could revive my infatuation towards her and to give this a chance. But there was something, something in the physical distance, something about her mentioning that her husband was not doing mentally well right now, something in me about how I feel about being with someone who was married, and...something about my still existent feelings about someone else that did not allow for anything to happen during that night.

Following wonderful conversation and food we parted our ways with a hug. After stepping out of the door she came back in because she forgot her bag. "Maybe it was just an excuse to get another hug", she said, hugging me once more. I felt paralysed and could not do anything more than to hug her back before we parted ways.

Oh, how I hate my brain. My awfully stupid monogamous brain. Quite an asset for long-term relationships as I am loyal to a fault, but absolutely useless being too invested and devoted to someone that does not even care about me as I should be cared for.

He texted me again as soon as I was in Swiss soil. Sent random reels while ignoring whatever I sent back. I don't want to assume the worse, but it feels like he just wants a back-up plan and felt like there were threats in Germany, and that as soon as I was back he would stop again. I had such wonderful feelings and memories from the time that we met in person and that gave me hope of continuing any sort of interaction in the future, but the current behaviour caused a contrast in my mind that tainted those memories and feelings with resentment, disappointment and hurt. Which truly a pity because I treasured them. I genuinely appreciated him, romantically or not. This was supposed to have ended a long time ago, and many times it almost did, thinking about how I deserve so much more than breadcrumbs. So much more than possibly being a back-up option. But there was always something reigniting it everytime it dimmed. Be that words of friends, memories, or a song or text, small occurences in the worst possible timing.

Again, I am not a person of faith.

I'm not spiritual or into mysticism.

But, hear me out, I believe that this is definite proof of the existence of Satan.

The next day was my final day in Frankfurt, and the day to celebrate mine and God's (this is a nickname that friends already used before me for this amazing woman) birthday with a picnic. The celebration would be with the circle of people associated with my first flatshare in Frankfurt (AKA: the witches). After a morning walk a Grüneburgpark I prepared some pesto focaccia (with the remaining dough from last light), and some vegetarian sausage rolls with sweet Bavarian mustard. If the cheeky Belgian knew what I was up to he would kick me out of his flat. Back in 2020 we used to have one night of the week in which me, him and other friends from the Max Planck watched a film or just chatted over a national dish of whoever was hosting. When it was my turn I made some vegan Brazilian stroganoff and he was enthusiastically eating a second plate of it when he found out that it was vegan. "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?". Always a drama queen. I had to take the remaining vegetarian sausages with me back to London to leave behind no evidence of my crimes.

The picnic was wonderful. I love all of these people so much. It's not as if I'm unaware of it when I'm away but whenever I see them again I get reminded of how grateful I should be for having met such amazing people in my life. They baked me and God some birthday cake, each of us brought multiple dishes so it was quite a feast. Emo Cowboy put on some anime songs, and I received some presents, including a tarot deck and some earings. Emo Cowboy and Jesus also gave me a tarot reading, which at this point is standard whenever I visit them, and the cards told me that "my work-life balance was whack" (no shit), I was "exiting a cycle of trauma" (Berlin?), that I should be confident in my knowledge because now I was ready to achieve great things (I hope that's enough for my boss), my heartbreak would be over soon (???), and to be wary of manipulators (!?!?!?). Well, all the fun things.

I spoke more to the rest of the group but for such a short time it was ridiculous. I wish I could spend so much more time with them but I needed to pick up my bass, and it was my final chance to do so. I said my goodbyes and gave them hugs as I headed to the northern part of Frankfurt. Once I picked up my bass and went back to the flat I felt like I had nothing left in me, and that if I exerted myself any longer I would get sick, so I decided to rest for my train at 5am the next day. I would first take a train to Brussels and from there I would take the Eurostar to London, a total of around 6 hours of travelling. During those hours I thought about where my home was, as many people asked me where did I feel at home. This used to be Frankfurt to me, and during the year that I lived in Berlin I visited many times and always got the feeling of belonging. A feeling that I did not have with Rio since I visited again for the first time in 2021. But this time, I did not feel like Frankfurt was my home anymore. But I also don't think London fits that either.

"Home is where the heart is, and the heart is nowhere." I answered chuckling to whoever asked me during this trip. Many things about Frankfurt however brought me back a sense of who I was during the time I lived there. But that person is not me anymore, and this caused a feeling of disconnection. Spaces really bring you back to a certain mental and emotional state and I think that when that clashes so much with your current state it feels too foreign to be associated with your sense of self. It's like being faced with an old you who at some point you don't recognise anymore.

I believed I was in a transitionary period in which London did not yet feel like home, but as the train doors opened and the chill Autumn breeze from King's Cross St. Pancras hit my face, I could feel that I was wrong.

Glad to be back and writing this emotionally heavy post from the future,

Amadeus