#and maybe im just sensitive. or maybe i just cant make that differentiation because of what ive experienced

[oneofthosecrazygirls-mp3]

I don't even know what wrong this time I just feel so empty

[sunseight]

Heres a tag game i didnt do literally 2 yrs ago - looking thru my old likes :)

Rules- write 82 truths about yourself and then tag 25 people

Most recent-

Drink: water  Phone call: my mom Text received: i dont like goatees Text sent: but i kind of like just plain beards Song listened to: proposal - katie ellen Time you cried: i cried a few days ago about some bees - ive really weakened in my old age

Have you ever-

Dated someone twice: twice? lmao hell nah Been cheated on: nah Kissed someone and regretted it: :) yes :) Lost someone special: meh Been depressed: lol Been drunk and thrown up: once a month :):)

List three fave colors-

burgundy, forest green, pink

In the last year have you-

Made a new friend: ye Fallen out of love: nah i havent even fallen in love Laughed til you cried: im the funniest and i have time to prepare my jokes mentally so they dont cause that reaction Met someone who changed you: yeah def Found out who your true friends are: lol this is begging to cause drama but nah Found out someone was talking about you: LOL throwback to the crazy girl from ciee Kissed anyone on your FB list: is fb facebook because if so many ppl

How many people on your FB list do you know: like.....essentially everyone Do you have any pets: my dog is sort of still alive and then 2 cats 1 of which is perfect Do you want to change your name: i cant figure out something that fits me better but i dont like my name so whatever What did you do for your last bday: jeju then clubbing in hongdae ayyyy What time did you wake up today: 11am?? What were you doing last night at midnight: watching lady bird Name something you cant wait for: to graduate college  Last time you saw your mom: about a month ago

What would you change about your life: id be more motivated and healthy What are you listening to: music specifically the aforementioned song by kate ellen Have you ever talked to someone named Tom: a lot of thomas’?  Whats getting on your nerves right now: homework and doing laundry  Blood type: O+ Nickname: just kim  Zodiac sign: cancer  Pronouns: she/her Fave tv show: the office prob i also love its always sunnyy Long or short hair: i have like a shoulder length bob  Height: 5′7  Do you have a crush: i wouldnt know how to identify a crush if i had one What do you like about yourself: im funnyish  Right or left handed: right First surgery: appendectomy   Any piercings: eyebrow, nose, tragus, rook, both earlobes, and 3 cartilage   First best friend: probably a girl named rachel from my kindergarten class - we had the same bb sitter First sport you joined: soccer at the tender age of fetus First vacation: either hershey park, nyc, toronto, or florida. too young to differentiate.   What are you eating right now: my roommate baked cookies and i had one What are you drinking right now: water What are you about to do: watch seinfeld  What are you listening to: katie ellen stop asking Want kids: i want exactly 1 child to make in my exact image   Want to get married: yeah im a cliche Future career: something i can travel with?? how do u become a roadie for a band Lips or eyes: eyes Hugs or kisses: kisses  Taller or shorter: taller  Younger or older: older is what im used to so i guess its my general preference Romantic or spontaneous: spontaneous because ill make fun of u if ur romantic Nose, stomach, or arms: i have all 3??? but i guess i like.....tummys Sensitive or loud: loud  Hookup or relationship: relationship unfortunately :(  Trouble maker or hesitant: trouble maker

Have you ever-

Kissed a stranger: ye Drank liquor or alcohol: so much  Lost glasses/contacts: multiple pairs even  Had sex on first date: lol yeah dont drag me for this Broke someones heart: lets give that a firm maybe Turned someone down: yeeee Cried when someone died: .........nah  Fallen for a friend: i would say objectively i dont fall for anyone and im pretty much just bobbin around 

Do you believe in-

Yourself: whom Miracles: whut  Love at first sight: no Heaven: yeah i want to think of some form of afterlife Kissing on the first date: yeah

i tag: literally anyone idc 

[rosefromc0ncret3]

been feeling really tense this past month and its been hard for me to pinpoint exactly why I feel the way that I do. to start off my post on a good note tho, I finished my first year of grad school and I cant believe how fast time has gone since then. I still remember when I got in and I really cant believe how things have just been go go go since then. im wondering what my next move will be.. deciding if im gonna stay home or move. im scared. I know I want to move out, but im wondering what it’ll be like when I step out there and see what its really like to live on my own. ive been wanting this forever and now that I may have the opportunity, im afraid to take that step. I know it’ll be good for my growth. and a part of me feels so stuck here sometimes. like feeling stagnant even tho im doing a lot. I guess lately thats how ive been feeling? not really sure which direction to go in life and there's so much happening but nothing happening at the same time.. how can that be.. its really been a while since ive journaled and im hoping that I'll feel better by the end of this. thinking a lot about how I just think too much lol. I wish I could just let things be. I find myself getting so mad and annoyed over the little things, which could be said that that always happens anyway. but I really find myself wanting to take that space for myself and be alone so I dont take it out on anyone. or just let myself feel these emotions without having to think so critical about them. I know I should just let my emotions be and not find a whole theory behind them. sometimes its necessary, but its also important to differentiate when I need to figure out my emotions and when I should just let myself be. Im back to work in person now and its sucha ambivalent feeling. ive been wanting to be back in person cuz I know how much easier it would be, but im also scared for my health and its been so long since ive been in the office and its hard to just get back into it and be so go go go. im scared that I won't be able to do my job effectively anymore. plus, being around hella people again physically after a period of time makes me feel anxious. I guess thats why ive been super sensitive to things lately too? especially since ive just been at home alll this time. granted ive been super sensitive to everything during this time. I hope I can just let myself be. I keep saying that throughout this whole post but its all I really want for myself. I want to be able to feel my emotions without feeling guilty for them. I want to provide myself a space to just be alone in solitude and not feel guilty for that either. I want everything to fall into place the way I want it to be.. lol but I know that cant always be the case. im just hoping that things work out for me. I hate feeling so tense all the time. I hate feeling so on edge and feeling so triggered by every little thing. im trying my best to navigate it tho and trying to find ways to take care of myself. which looks different every day really. missing my therapist extra lately cuz Im experiencing such heavy emotions again and I wish I could talk about it with her and help me get my head straight. and feel capable and empowered to take on my world. sigh. I know I truly have to believe in it myself tho. been listening to music a lot lately and been going on my walks. tryna find ways to stay active. hoping I can still find ways to stay active this summer despite being back in person for work. hoping I can find ways to just take care of myself especially when transitioning being back in person. sigh. lol. I find myself wanting to keep these thoughts to myself a lot, or actually being careful with who I tell this shit too cuz I know not everyone wants to be drained out by it. been reflecting a lot on my friendships with people, which is honestly another theme of this year. I feel like I used to hella hold onto people because I just wanted them to remain close. I wanted to have a lot of friends and feel like every single person in my life needed a special role in my life, when in reality, it really doesn't have to be like that. and its not realistic either. been thinking and reflecting on the people in my life and how I dont have to overanalyze every single detail of their being in my life. they could really just be there. and the special people in my life I can hold onto. and I know my gut feeling will always tell me who is sticking around. along with how my body responds to them. I know the people who truly matter will not make me feel guilty for setting boundaries and wanting the time to just be there for myself and let myself feel my own emotions. as time goes on, I realize that the people I once needed and felt so lucky to have in my life can also dwindle as time goes on. and that also changes for the different people in my life. and thats okay. I used to feel so sad about it and I guess I still get really sad about it. and im in the process of just trying to let that shit go. cuz there's really no point in hella holding onto it. when there's no solution to it. and there's no need to yearn for the past when its just there. I know I can just cherish what I had with them and learn how to move on from it while still being present in the moment. sigh. what a trip. im not sure if these are just emotions about going back to work, but I feel a bit restless and feel meh. idk if its because its been two years of me working there now and maybe im just getting comfortable? granted, I know I won't be working here forever and this is def a stepping stone in my career. I guess there are days where I just feel like im watching the clock tick. I love being with my students and teaching the content with them, but it just starts to feel like any other day sometimes. sigh lol. another sigh. grateful to be in school tho and learn everything that I need to excel in my future career. im not sure what the future holds for me in terms of that area in my life, but im feeling hopeful! I think as long as I keep working with youth, I’ll be happy. and I know I should just focus on that and enjoy it in the meantime before I get to that graduating point in my life.. which is literally a year from now lol. sigh. I hope I can continue to have this mindset moving forward. I hope I can learn to just accept being in the moment and focus on things that make me happy. and def listen to my own intuition more and know when I need time to myself but also know when I need to reach out for support. hoping for abundance and good fortune in my future, for me and my family. hoping we can move forward in confidence even when faced with struggles and just know in our hearts that everything will be okay. right now, I feel a bit lighter. and I truly believe deep down in my heart that everything will be okay. sigh (a good one this time).

[honeylemonn]

About The Old Days

Lets go back to the old days for a few minutes. I was a shy person, to the point where i refused to do what i actually could, with an ‘i cant do it’ excuse. That was how too shy i was. That was why i also didnt initiate talking first, only replying. I was a kid with a blank thoughts. I dont mess my mind with a negativity about something, about someone. That was why i always have a smile whenever someone talking to me. Someone even said ‘She’ll give u smile even if u curse her’ to someone that was talking to me. I didnt like hanging with boys. Yes, because i was shy. Believe or not, my heart fluttered whenever boys were around me. Not only because there was someone i liked, but the top of that, i wasnt confident with myself. Dunno why lol. It made my shyness getting worse and my lips more comfortly closed. I couldnt joke in a new situation. My words always turned out to be boring. And that was why i really hard to make a friend with someone. Eventhough i didnt want having so many friends either. I always left something embarassement on the first time. This really a mystery one. I dunno why. It feels like a curse wkwk. Many days left and i progressively developed new sides. I was still shy or maybe i just did the important one that i have to do. But my mind wasnt blank anymore. With inner cycle influences, i started judging a person. Any person wasnt a good person again in the first time. I began able to differentiate who the real one, the good one, and the annoying one was. But it still wasnt perfect. Maybe because i was still too young. I was too enjoying to judge while barely tried to evaluate, it was really like that or not. Then my mind became often filled with negatives thinking. I easily swayed from one side to side. My attitude was inconsistent. Particularly when i started dating. Dude, actually this is the most embarassing to remember lol. At first, it went good. I still been a pure girl with a big hearts. I barely thought negative for something. But by the time then, i became a really sensitive one, which is really annoying. Like..the hell, i easily got unworthy jealous, often. But maybe because my feeling was getting bigger. But it turned me to an overthinking, oversensitive, overcrybaby (lord i cried a lot!! Ckck), overjealous, overprotective, overselfish, overfoolish, and overchildish. My ex bae and me got fighting a lot over something that now i wonder why it should be debated hard. I was too scared for bad event that will happened. I already knew but i didnt want it to be true. I was really scared plus sad then couldnt blame myself when it was really happened. I knew i was the problem but i didnt wanna admit it. But now i could comfortly realize that yes, all of that is my fault. And im better now. Im not a really shy person anymore but still i dont like talking much. I still do judging but im not rushing the conclusion. I praise a confirmation before determine someone. Yes sometimes i could wrong, thats a life tho. For love, im not expecting anything. Im not gaining interest for now, maybe will later. I feel relieves and enjoy spending my days of life now. Of course its not always perfect. Theres always stone disturbing my way. But im greatfull with whatever happened. Im thankfull for my mind evolution. A positivity makes my heart easy. Maybe it also because i find a good environment. So im really thanfull for that.