#and maybe i am also simply tired on top of everything else - smh - but i am tryong to sit with these waves
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highwaydiamonds Ā· 2 years ago
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#journaling#art journaling#i've done couple spreads/pages from these affirmation cards i got last year with a set of stickers & planner thing i purchased#they weren't designed for this but i've used a couple of them that way#i feel like this is a very simplified - not exactly sanitized - but not NOT sanitized either version of how i've felt about things lately#there's been rather a lot of 'the suck" but i a working to try and keep my head up#oh - and because of the shiny surface the rectangle in the top left - is an image of hokusai's the great wave#i am so full of FEELING - i don't know where to put it all. it's like a spill running in too many directions#i don't know how to organize them or say them all without spreading some kind of infection around- triggering/dumping on other people#and maybe i am also simply tired on top of everything else - smh - but i am tryong to sit with these waves#to remind myself that i need to do what i can to mitigate things - that i know what some of these things ARE - even if i don't like them#and that i CAN do them - regardless#and the stuff i cannot change - that i don't have to absorb it all - that i can see it - and name it and admit it sucks and try and let go#and if - let go- isn't quite right then it's more do what i can to keep going anyway - then that's what i need to keep trying to do#i feel like i keep coming back to the mountain goats' lyrics from This Year:#There will be feasting and dancing in jerusalem next year - and i am gonna make it through this year if it kills me#embrace the suck
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snkpolls Ā· 4 years ago
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SnK Episode 61 Poll Results (for Anime Only Watchers)
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The poll closed with 164 responses. Thank you to everyone who participated!
Please note that these are the results for the Anime Only Watchersā€™ poll. If you wish to see the results for the Manga Readersā€™ poll, click here.
Anime only watchers, beware of spoilers if you venture over to the manga readersā€™ poll results.
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RATE THE EPISODE 142 Responses
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Episode 61 received even better reception than episode 60 did for anime only viewers, with all votes leaning 3-5 on the rating scale, none of our respondents seemed let down by the episode!Ā 
AMAZING!! not action heavy this time, but the information i gainedĀ  was a big insight on whatā€™s to come! lots of things are gonna go down and iā€™m s c a r e d. ready for next sunday šŸ˜ˆšŸ”„
It was fireĀ 
I really loved this episode, better than the last episode. Animation quality was on par with movie quality. MAPPA is giving us their best, ALL HAIL MAPPA.
1 word. Awesome
I love the pacing on this episode and the small details in it.Ā 
Give me more!!!
bruh
WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING WAS YOUR FAVORITE SCENE/MOMENT? 142 Responses
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Reiner monologuing about the 104th at the dinner table took front and center seat this week with 43% of viewers favoring this scene the most. Trailing behind, 16.9% enjoyed the scene where Reiner meets up with the Warrior Cadets, and 9.9% enjoyed seeing the human forms of the Cart and Jaw titans for the first time.
WE FORGOT TO ASK LAST WEEK D: WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SCENES/MOMENTS FROM EPISODE 60 WAS YOUR FAVORITE? 142 Responses
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Last week, the highest percentage of people (at 30.3%) enjoyed Reinerā€™s, ā€œIā€™m sick and tiredā€¦ of walls.ā€ 19% favored the scene of Zekeā€™s scream turning Eldians into titans. 17.6% were most hyped up over Reiner and Galliard wrecking Fort Slava.
MAPPA WENT ALL OUT WITH THE CINEMATOGRAPHY IN THIS EPISODE. WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE CINEMATIC PANS AND ROTOSCOPE ANIMATION? 142 Responses
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Overall, 75.4% of the total vote went in favor of the animation this week, with 33.8% of viewers stating they felt as though they were watching a movie, 32.4% enjoying the fluidity, and 9.2% enjoying the upgrade from the stiffer animation in the previous season. 10.6% felt the rotoscoping and cinematic shots were a little too over the top for an anime, and 10.6% are indifferent. A small handful arenā€™t enjoying the cinematic animation at all.Ā 
Hated the rotoscope, loved everything else.
It was a bit off-putting at first but I've grown to really like it
it was different but i liked it! it was cool. reminded me of some anime movies iā€™ve seen, though unique in it own sense
Thought it was great and fluid just at some points like the scene with udo on the docks felt a bit choppy.
Beautiful work, it honestly felt like I was watching a movie. From cinematography to shot framing to the animation. A dialogue heavy episode felt exciting, which is amazing.
I really liked the animation
The animation is so glowy
NOW THAT WEā€™VE GOTTEN TO HEAR A LITTLE MORE OF THE NEW OST TRACKS, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE SOUNDTRACK SO FAR THIS SEASON? 142 Responses
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People are overall enjoying the new music so far, with 41.5% feeling it really compliments the change in atmosphere and 35.9% REALLY enjoying the songs and finding their usage very good. 9.9% feel theyā€™re just ok while 7.7% miss the music being composed solely by Sawano. A smaller handful arenā€™t enjoying the new music.
They DEFINITELY bring the right vibes lol. again, different, but i like it!
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE CLOSEUP OF ZEKEā€™S MOUTH? 141 Responses
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In our first of a series of unnecessary crack questions, 31.9% find Zekeā€™s mouth closeup to have been pretty cool animation. 24.8% are very concerned about Zekeā€™s treatment of his lungs (do shifters get lung damage?). 20.6% didnā€™t care about Zekeā€™s mouth at aoo, while 14.2% would welcome a smooch from him. A handful of people just think itā€™s gross, lol.
Fucking hate zeke smh šŸ™„
He smokin a spliffy šŸ˜‚ not no ciggyĀ 
what chapstick using??lmao.Ā  it was a cool scene
WHATā€™S YOUR OPINION ABOUT ELDIAN ASSES? 140 Responses
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Eldian asses didnā€™t turn out to be too controversial, with the majority (42.1%) just wanting to know the details of Zekeā€™s secret ass wiping technique. 10.7% just think Eldian asses are neat, and another 10% are more enthusiastic about some nice Eldian asses. 25.7% are confused about the questionā€™s inclusion, and 11.4% donā€™t understand why this was asked at all.
DO YOU WANT REINER TO GIVE YOU A HEAD PAT? 140 Responses
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In a close race, 42.1% of respondents would be thrilled to get a nice head pat from Reiner! 41.4% apparently donā€™t, and just wanna know what the heck the pollsters are smoking while writing up these questions. 11.4% do NOT want Reiner head pats. :(
ZEKE SEEMS TO BE KEEPING HIS ROYAL LINEAGE A SECRET FROM MARLEY DESPITE HIS LOYALTY TO THEM. ANY IDEAS WHY YOU THINK HE IS? 139 Responses
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Zeke, the ā€œwonderboyā€ (as General Calvi puts it) who sold out his own parents, has never been doubted by Marley in terms of his loyalty. Yet, for some reason he seems to be keeping his royal bloodline a secret from them. When we asked why that is, over half of respondents (56.1%) state that they are suspicious of Zeke and his real motives, believing that he is plotting something under Marleyā€™s nose. 25.2% feel that he doesnā€™t want them to know heā€™s royal so that they canā€™t abuse his power, and 12.9% think he simply doesnā€™t let them know so that they wonā€™t kill him.Ā 
I forgot he was royalĀ 
maybe they will force him to continue the bloodline through children, or maybe he will get used or killed
Well if they dont know hes got a hereditary advantage over both his predeccesors and succesors, he'll always be recognised as the best beast titan and heaps better than my boy Colt.
WE LEARNED IN THIS EPISODE THAT FALCOā€™S LAST NAME IS ā€œGRICE.ā€ DO YOU THINK THIS WILL HOLD ANY SIGNIFICANCE? 139 Responses
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32.4% of respondents donā€™t remember anyone named Grice. To recap, ā€œGriceā€ is the name of the person who recruited Grisha Yeager into the Restorationist group, and is the one who was kicked off the wall for the restorationist titans to chase after once they were transformed by Marley. For those that did remember this seemingly random person, 52.2% feel that this relation will be brought up again and have importance to the story, and 12.9% feel it doesnā€™t really mean anything other than being a neat little detail.Ā 
I feel like you asking this implies that thereā€™s something to it
Not sure yet. But, Falco and Colt seem to be really caring and aware of how the Marlyeans treat Marly-Eldians (at least compared to the other warrior candidates). Also, when we saw their parents they seemed kind too, showing lots of concern for Colt. Maybe they learnt what the former restorationist/other Grice was doing and his cause of death and sent their kids to the warrior program for the same reason Grisha and Dina did Zeke? My bet is Colt & Falco are the restorationist Grice's nephews?
YOUR REACTION TO THE CART TITAN BEING A CUTE WOMAN? 140 Responses
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Pieck deserves a colorful pie chart, and she got one! 25.7% say sheā€™s best girl, 22.9% think sheā€™s utterly adorable. 13.6% of viewers already knew about Pieck before getting to this point and were unsurprised. At a tie, 11.4% of voters think that itā€™s amazing, or they were shocked to find out that the quadrupedal nightmare titan is really just a short, cute woman.
I worked it out last episode since the armbands appeared to indicate the 'type/status' of Eldians, but I was a bit surprised last episode I thought from the trailer the red bands may be special lineages i.e. Ackerman, Oriental clan, and Riess/Fritz. Still think she may be from the oriental clan though since the only characters we've seen with a similar appearance to her are Mikasa and her mother.Ā Ā 
she kinda shawty šŸ‘€ but she looks scary too
WE WERE FORMALLY INTRODUCED TO MORE CHARACTERS THIS WEEK, SO WE WILL ASK AGAINā€¦ WHICH NEW CHARACTER IS YOUR FAVORITE SO FAR? 143 Responses
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Last week, Falco was the most favored of the new cast with only 40% of the vote. This week, he shoots up over 10 percentage points, with 50.3% of viewers feeling the most positively toward him. Pieck comes in second with 17.5% of the vote, and Gabi is hanging on with just 12.6% of the vote. Colt and Galliard are trailing just a little bit more behind them.Ā 
Gabi best girl
WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE FATE OF YMIR? 144 Responses
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While we did get teased about Ymirā€™s fate in Season 3, seeing the scene in full can definitely have more of an impact. 37.5% of respondents have accepted the notion of Ymir dying, and feel that it was a decent end for her character, all things considered. 22.9% are in complete and total anguish over her fate, and 20.1% are simply just disappointed and had hoped to see more of her. A very small percentage think that this is actually a red herring, and that Ymir is somehow still alive somewhere.
Already saw this in season 3
Appropriately grim and realistic given what lengths Marley will go to in order to protect themselvesĀ 
I am in so much pain please euthanize me thatā€™s my wife
i didnā€™t really like her anyway so itā€™s fine(but it was still a bit sad)Ā 
Kinda hate crimey considering shes the only OUT (@jean) charcter. Nah jk. Like wasnt shocked tho coz we saw Galliard last ep
Let's fucking GOOOOOO
Galliard will NEVER replace Ymir, I already hate his bitch ass
So Galliard really is a replacement scrappy eh? I already hate him JUST for that.
TURNS OUT THAT GALLIARD IS MARCELā€™S BROTHER. DO YOU THINK THIS WILL BE SIGNIFICANT? 143 Responses
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Over half of respondents (52.4%) believe that Galliardā€™s relation to Marcel will have significance at some point. 32.9% think that it might, but donā€™t want to say either way. A small percentage feel itā€™s just a detail that wonā€™t matter. 12.6% have completely forgotten who Marcel is (to refresh your memory, Ymir ate him before RBA attacked the walls).
DO YOU THINK THE MAN WEARING THE ARMBAND INCORRECTLY WILL BE IMPORTANT? 144 Responses
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At 73.6%, the majority of viewers are eyeing the random amputee soldier who Falco briefly helped out, believing that he will be important in some manner moving forward. 13.9% believe that itā€™s just a random soldier, and the scene maybe meant more in terms of showing Falcoā€™s kindness. 12.5% arenā€™t sure what to make of the amputee soldier at all.
LAST WEEK, WHEN ASKED WHO WILL INHERIT THE ARMORED TITAN, THE MAJORITY PICKED FALCO. AFTER THIS EPISODE, WHO DO YOU THINK WILL INHERIT THE ARMORED TITAN NOW? 143 Responses
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Falco is still the most favored to inherit the Armored Titan from Reiner with the percentage of people believing he will jumping from 37.6% to 48.3%. 21.7% are still confident that Gabi will ultimately be the one who gets to eat Reiner. 28.7% believe that neither of them will inherit Reinerā€™s titan at all.
DO YOU THINK THAT REINER REALLY BELIEVES THE PARADISIANS ARE DEVILS? 143 Responses
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The overwhelming majority of respondents donā€™t believe that Reiner really means what he says when he calls the Paradisians ā€œsavage, heartless devils.ā€ Only a small percentage feel he does really means what he says, and a handful of others arenā€™t sure.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT REINER WITH WHAT WEā€™VE SEEN IN THIS ARC SO FAR? 143 Responses
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The majority of viewers feel very positively about Reiner and are enjoying seeing more of him, with 46.2% stating that Reiner is really starting to grow on them, while 26.6% already liked Reiner from the start. 18.2% are beginning to feel more empathy for Reiner, although they still arenā€™t huge fans, and a smaller percentage donā€™t like him and havenā€™t been swayed by the narrative as of yet.Ā 
Always seemed like there was lots to him, enjoying the furthered development into his psyche :)Ā 
heā€™s so hot omg. i feel so terrible cause heā€™s clearly suffering from ptsd and his disorder too. he seems torn. i do like how he is playing a major role so far.Ā 
Iā€™m in love with Reiner and always have been
Meh
Reiner became 1000% hotter after his life fell apart
REINER AND GABI ARE REVEALED TO BE COUSINS. THOUGHTS? 142 Responses
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36.6% of respondents were genuinely shocked to learn that Gabi and Reiner are cousins. 21.8% feel more invested in Gabiā€™s character arc after knowing this information. 19% were already spoiled on this, and 15.5% donā€™t really care about it at all.Ā 
Kinda thought she wanted to fuck her cousin lmao
Makes me horrified how casually they talk abt eating Reiner
They had the same last name so I figured they must have had some relation.
Yee haw
GABI QUESTIONS REINER AFTER HE TALKED ABOUT THE 104TH, ASKING IF PEOPLE ON PARADIS WERE ALL BAD. DO YOU THINK SHE CAN OVERCOME HER BRAINWASHING TO SEE THAT PARADISIANS ARENā€™T EVIL? 143 Responses
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The majority think that there is a possibility for Gabi to see things from a new perspective over time. 40.6% arenā€™t completely sold on it yet, but also believe that itā€™s within the realm of possibility. 32.9% are very confident that this is the direction her story arc is going to take, and 26.6% think that nothing will be able to undo years of brainwashing for her.
THE TYBURS ARE SAID TO BE AN AFFLUENT FAMILY THAT HOLDS THE WARHAMMER TITAN, BUT HAVE NEVER BEEN INVOLVED IN ANY CONFLICT. WHY WOULD THEY WANT TO GET INVOLVED NOW? 139 Responses
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While we still donā€™t know much about the Tybur family, we thought weā€™d check in and see what preconceived notions viewers may already have about them. 27.3% believe the Tybur family feel the same as Marley and see Paradis as a threat. 30.2% think that the only reason theyā€™d want to get involved in the conflict is if they get something about it. 41.7% think that the Tyburs are super sus and ultimately will have their own agenda for attacking Paradis.Ā 
They got the good life already, why battle?
WITH AN ATTACK ON PARADIS BEING IMMINENT, HOW DO YOU THINK REINER WILL REACT WHEN HE RETURNS TO THE ISLAND? 139 Responses
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Weā€™ve seen Reiner struggle over the weight of his sins in previous seasons, with Ymir even pointing out that he has developed a type of ā€œsplit personalityā€ to cope with the horror he forced onto the people of Paradis. With the prospect of returning to the island, we asked how you think Reiner will handle the situation. With the highest percentage, 32.4% of respondents feel that Reinerā€™s mental state will make him completely ineffective if he returns to Paradis. 28.8% think he may even completely switch back to his ā€œsoldier personaā€ once he faces his former comrades again. 26.6% believe that he will keep himself together and stay focused on the mission handed to him. 9.4% think he will find a way to avoid going back altogether.Ā 
Honestly, don't know.
I wouldnt say ineffective, probably just ina daze of sorts. Like hes not fully in the moment.
Idk if he is even gonna go
Not Sure
I hope my boi Reiner makes it through!
REINER FLASHBACKS NEXT WEEK! ARE YOU EXCITED TO FINALLY GET THE WARRIORSā€™ BACKSTORY? 142 Responses
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The vast majority are happy to be finally getting the Warriorsā€™ backstory in the next episode, with 69% feeling overwhelmed with excitement about it, and 19.7% just happy to finally be getting to this point. A smaller percentage donā€™t really care about learning their backstory and a handful of people are actually dreading it.Ā 
I loved the baby warrior flashback and canā€™t wait for next week.
ON A SCALE OF REINER TO ZEKE, HOW EAGER ARE YOU TO GET BACK TO PARADIS? 141 Responses
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While there is a handful of people who are enjoying the new perspective and getting to know these new characters in Marley, the majority of viewers are (unsurprisingly) eager to see whatā€™s going on with the original cast after the 4 year time skip and the cliffhanger at the ocean in season 3. A message from manga readers: we know your pain, just hang in there!
This arc isn't really doing it for me. The story is only interesting when it focused on the 104th.
If their goal is to make me sympathize with the Warriors it ain't working, I frankly don't give a crap about their sob stories and want to see Eren and friends wreck shit for them
ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE?
Animation and graphics quality is amazing. The sea was CGI too which feels a bit too detailed compared to other things. The plot and vibe is amazing. I like the WW2 style of things. There are so many interactions coming just the thought makes me hyped up. I can easily rewatch it and notice new details and i enjoy it too. Feels really packed and intense.
Solid, loved the animation props to MAPPA, cant wait to see Reiner's character development.
Kinda just people walking around with HELLA ptsd.Ā  Overall kinda vibey Very reminiscent of seas 3 part 1. I will say kinda tgf about these knew kids accept Colt, just wanna see the ogs and Jeans side part. I also HATE Reiner but.........dare I say.....he's growing in me???? Not gabi thoĀ 
Great episode, the trailer's beginning to make a lot more sense now. I didn't expect that guy with the long blonde hair declaring Eren as the enemy (from the trailer) to be part of the Tybur family (maybe I'm wrong here but he looked identical to one of the Tybur family members in the photo Zeke showed.) I assumed he was maybe the Marley leader haha. I think he may be the warhammer titan but it's hard to tell at this point. Regarding the Tybur family, another curious thing is how they are celebrated internationally not just domestically for their help during the great titan war. I am curious whether Marley only treat the Tybur family well because if they didn't that would create issues globally? It seems like the Tybur's have lots of power. But, I wonder if the war hammer titan will be a letdown... I thought it would be the 'big boss' of the titans but after learning that titan doesn't go through training like the other titan shifters and never fought I feel like it's a 50/50 on whether the shifter will be strong or not... I also feel like the guy Falco spoke to was Eren, and this could hint at Eren noticing and possibly trying to indoctrinate Falco? and he was possibly watching Reiner talk to the kids? That was probably Pieck though. Curious how Pieck's father was shown but not mother, he also didn't look like he was from the oriental clan maybe we have another Mikasa on our hands (half Ackerman/Oriental clan) that would be cool, maybe a little bit fanservicey tho.
I like that the focus is on world building right now
Iā€™m just so excited to see whatā€™s coming next
It was friggin awesome but Iā€™m curious on who fell off the roof šŸ¤”
Who is the guy who jumped and died ? :(
WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES? 138 Responses
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Thank you again for participating! Weā€™ll see you again next week!
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memoirsofatomboi Ā· 7 years ago
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Super Major Life Update lol
1. March 10, 2016 was the day I found out I was diabetic and the day I quit eating meat. It has now been 14 months since I quit and it definitely paid off. Iā€™m down 28lbs. My A1C level has lowered. I feel so much better overall. Best decision I ever made. I still eat fish, but it is so sparingly now I feel I can quit that too. Maybe sometime soon. 2. I got fired from Petsmart. I was so fckd up over it because I genuinely loved my job and the salon associates. I was devastated until I found a position as a mobile groomer. I now make a ton more money, I make my own schedule, the customers tip well and Iā€™m happy. I made a grooming page on IG (yggrooms) and itā€™s slowly but surely gaining me clientele. Iā€™m so sure about this job thatā€¦ 3. Iā€™m going back to school. Originally, right after high school, my major was vet tech. I went to the gen eds but didnā€™t give a fck cause it was my first year and I bullshitted. I applied to the program and didnā€™t get in. I applied again and didnā€™t get in. An academic advisor said to fix my transcript to make it more appealing, I did, applied, and didnā€™t get in. By this time I had started grooming. I found my passion in that because generally all I wanted to do was work with animals. I do that now. So, Iā€™m switching my major to chemical engineering. I know, such a contrast from vet tech but I need something to fall back on if a dog bites me the wrong way some day. Also, this job has literally no benefits. Iā€™m legally self employed. If Iā€™m off work, Iā€™m just off. No sick days. No vacation days. No pto. If Iā€™m off, I just miss out on a days worth of money. I mean, itā€™s good now but not for the future family I hope to create. I was gonna pursue math but like 3 more classes Iā€™d get an engineering degree and like 5 more classes I can have a chemical concentration so I'ma get my associates degree and then transfer to Morgan. I go back this fall. I'ma stay focused. 4. My love life is a fckn disaster LMAO. After I stopped dating Koya I started fckn with this girl named Michelle. All was good, but I felt like she just wanted to fck me and nothing else because I never fckd a girl and she wanted to be my first. Iā€™m just like, damn can you get to know me first? Iā€™m a great person! Lmao but that wasnā€™t her focus. So despite my initial attraction to her, I was turned off. And, after the shit I found out about her, Iā€™m glad I didnā€™t fck her lol. I started fckn with this guy but his ass was way too old to be acting how he was acting so I stopped fckn with him. I very briefly kinda talked to this girl I worked at Petsmart with but I think my attraction was a ā€œI can save herā€ one and she clearly ainā€™t want saving lol. We still chat and flirt. She wants to take me out on a picnic. I donā€™t think I'ma go lol. Before all them, and kinda during all them, is R. R is a guy I started fckn like seven years ago after I broke up with my ex. Initially, all we did was fck to make up for the nonexistent sex life I had in my relationship and thatā€™s all I wanted. For like two (maybe three) of those years he had a girlfriend, which I respected, so I started fckn other niggas. We reconnected on a dating app and we fckd same week. I started to like him. I mean, Iā€™m kinda ready for a relationship so I relay that to him since he stated that if I had mentioned it before he wouldnā€™t have gotten with the girl he was with. But I knew he wouldnā€™t be ready for a relationship so he said we could ā€œbuild a foundationā€. Iā€™m thinking, communication, consistency, dates, ya know, foundation building type shit. I barely heard from this nigga unless we was fckn. If I asked a question it was a problem. It just wasnā€™t right, and my feelings was involved. So I cut him off. Obviously I was wrong for that. So I told him maybe we could just fck and thatā€™s it. I was wrong for that. So I cut him off again. I invited him to my goddaughterā€™s grandmotherā€™s birthday party, he came. I got drunk. We discussed some shit. I ended up ā€œwasting his timeā€. He cut me off. I was basically kissing ass. I got tired of that. The communication lacked. I cut him off again. He said he loved me and that heā€™d do anything to make it right but I knew it was bullshit. I stood by my words but I couldnā€™t get him off my mind for shit. Even while fckn with another guy, Dre. I met Dre on a dating website lol. I like him a lot but I think something wrong with me lol. R just fcks me so well. Like, so so well. Our sexual chemistry is perfect. Everything else is off. Dre is a good guy, we had sex once but I was sleepy. Like, dead sleepy, so I couldnā€™t get into it. Iā€™m pretty sure heā€™s a great lay but Iā€™m stuck on dumb ass R. It pisses me off. Dre was perfect at first but now heā€™s just like R. No communication. No consistency. And I know itā€™s because he was laid off and is finally back working and playing bill catch up but still. Iā€™m trying to be understanding. And I do care about him. But I work EVERY DAY. I still find time to attempt to check on him only to not get a response. I suggest going out. He canā€™t. I even offered to pay, because I know heā€™s behind and Iā€™m thinking he donā€™t want to go out simply because he has to put his money toward bills. Nope. Itā€™s just, Iā€™m not getting what I want and it leads me back to R because hey, at least Iā€™m guaranteed a nut our seven. And the longevity is there. But Iā€™m not about to be fckn a nigga I have feelings for for another seven fckn years because heā€™s not ready for a relationship. ***I should pause this update to mention that R just left. I done put this post in my drafts like seven times lol. But, we fckd. I moaned ā€œI hate youā€ in his ear, he told me I didnā€™t mean that and fckd me harder. I really do hate him. Prior to the sex, I told him we should just be friends and then see what happens. We hashed out our issues I guess. He told me he canā€™t be my friend. Said we were already friends. I said no we arenā€™t. He kept touching me. His touch makes me weak. He knows this. I wanted it. Bad. Before he even came over. I knew thatā€™s what I wanted. But I put up a ā€œfightā€ because I know he donā€™t deserve it. But I knew I was gonna give it to him anyway. Something is truly wrong with me smh. Anyway, Iā€™m not gonna stop seeing Dre if he ever comes back around. Well once he get his shit together on his end financially. Our connection isnā€™t completely lost, heā€™s just working hard to get back on top of bills and I understand that. I of all people know what itā€™s like to not have money. Hell, Iā€™ve even given him money toward small shit like gas and food. I should mention that when I met him he wasnā€™t like this lol. He was on his shit. But his job is contractual. He was out of work for a month due to it ending and the next contract not starting when it was supposed to. So, I get it. I just want him to catch up and come back to me. I think itā€™s something there thatā€™s worth exploring. I know me and R will never do more than fck. And if we attempted a relationship, it wonā€™t work. Heā€™s a Pisces. My ex is a Pisces. Iā€™m a Pisces. Pisces-Pisces is a horrible pair to began with. Ironically, our sexual desires are mutual which is basically what keeps up from completely quitting each other. Like I said, a fckn disaster lol. 5. I found out the ā€œstraightestā€ girl I know has an attraction to women. Iā€™m literally still reeling over that lol. Me personally, I think gender attraction is fluid but I think I may be going based off my own experiences. It wasnā€™t until Koya that I even ever had an attraction to women lol. After her, Iā€™ve just been neutral about it. I wouldnā€™t consider myself bi lol. Just, idk, not gonna miss out on someone or something real because theyā€™re the same gender as myself. Not finna block my blessings lol. But thereā€™s always that girl that you could never imagine wanting to be with another girl, until she text you about her there is a girl that makes her wet and she wants to taste her. Changes your whole perspective lol. 6. One of my brothers has a baby on the way. Or possibly has a baby on the way. I donā€™t care, but the fact kills me because theyā€™re incompetent. Both not capable of raising a child because heā€™s only 19, jobless, and didnā€™t complete highschool. Sheā€™s, just as lacking. My mom is about to be a grandparent to the child of the child that caused her the most grief and pain due to his actions. I just pray they donā€™t drive her insane. I canā€™t stand seeing her stressed. Theyā€™re taking a paternity test, am I wrong for hoping it isnā€™t his? 7. Ever since my other brother moved to PA, we donā€™t talk. I keep up with him from his daily snapchats. We text every now and then about our dysfunctional family but thatā€™s it. Heā€™s changed. He smokes weed now, drinks constantly, and just lives recklessly. My mom doesnā€™t know. He flaunts all this money around on social media but always cries broke to her. On Motherā€™s Day he came down and bought my mom a card and flowers. Thatā€™s it. Might I mention he didnā€™t even read the card long enough to see that was a Happy Nurseā€™s Day card and not one for the occasion. She didnā€™t care. She was happy to see him. I got her a discovery flight experience, took her to a comedy show and paid for everything, plus flowers, chocolate, and a card. She was excited for that too, but itā€™s evident heā€™s still the golden child. Despite everything, and the wrong heā€™s done, he can still do no wrong. Baffling. I truly donā€™t think this is an issue with my mom, but with my brother. He does the bare minimum every birthday and Motherā€™s Day while I go above and beyond and the gratitude is the same. And he makes the money to do something more meaningful for her. I want to do what he do but I just, sheā€™s our mother. I think she can get more than a card and some flowers every damn holiday. Maybe Iā€™m just jealous. I miss the old him. 8. While at Petsmart me and a coworker adopted a 12 year old Jack Russell terrier from a lady who had to move in with her mom at a nursing home so she couldnā€™t take him with her. He had a slew of health problems but he stole our hearts so we couldnā€™t resist, plus, a shelter would have killed him. His name was Dinks. We coparented him for 6 months before he died on my dadā€™s birthday in September. We were heartbroken. I mean, it tore me to pieces. I cried so damn hard and she did too. It took a minute for us to recover. He had dermatitis so he used to thump his back leg on his front leg to scratch himself. For a long while after his passing Iā€™d still hear little ghost thumps. He was just so perfect and I wish I couldā€™ve spent an eternity with him. Iā€™ll never forget the little dude. Since then, she adopted a coonhound from a shelter and I adopted a chihuahua mix from a lady on Craigslist. Weā€™re both happy with our new pets but Dinks still has a place in our hearts. Maybe this post will have a part two but thatā€™s my life in a nutshell. A fckn mess with a few good things. I might go back to my daily posts but I had to put this somewhere so I can clear my head space. My mind just runs rampant with all the things and I have to put it somewhere or itā€™ll be cluttered lol. This public post is basically for me lol. But, youā€™re welcome.
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