#loveorlackthereof

[zuriliart-blog]

#aliciaadanna #feels #truthforthought #selflove #mentalhealth #bodypositive #lovethyself #selfcare #confidence #lawofattraction #feelbetter #behappy #lookgood #lookgoodfeelgood #keepmovingforward #keepyaheadup #loveislove #loveorlackthereof

[memoirsofatomboi]

Super Major Life Update lol

1. March 10, 2016 was the day I found out I was diabetic and the day I quit eating meat. It has now been 14 months since I quit and it definitely paid off. I’m down 28lbs. My A1C level has lowered. I feel so much better overall. Best decision I ever made. I still eat fish, but it is so sparingly now I feel I can quit that too. Maybe sometime soon. 2. I got fired from Petsmart. I was so fckd up over it because I genuinely loved my job and the salon associates. I was devastated until I found a position as a mobile groomer. I now make a ton more money, I make my own schedule, the customers tip well and I’m happy. I made a grooming page on IG (yggrooms) and it’s slowly but surely gaining me clientele. I’m so sure about this job that… 3. I’m going back to school. Originally, right after high school, my major was vet tech. I went to the gen eds but didn’t give a fck cause it was my first year and I bullshitted. I applied to the program and didn’t get in. I applied again and didn’t get in. An academic advisor said to fix my transcript to make it more appealing, I did, applied, and didn’t get in. By this time I had started grooming. I found my passion in that because generally all I wanted to do was work with animals. I do that now. So, I’m switching my major to chemical engineering. I know, such a contrast from vet tech but I need something to fall back on if a dog bites me the wrong way some day. Also, this job has literally no benefits. I’m legally self employed. If I’m off work, I’m just off. No sick days. No vacation days. No pto. If I’m off, I just miss out on a days worth of money. I mean, it’s good now but not for the future family I hope to create. I was gonna pursue math but like 3 more classes I’d get an engineering degree and like 5 more classes I can have a chemical concentration so I'ma get my associates degree and then transfer to Morgan. I go back this fall. I'ma stay focused. 4. My love life is a fckn disaster LMAO. After I stopped dating Koya I started fckn with this girl named Michelle. All was good, but I felt like she just wanted to fck me and nothing else because I never fckd a girl and she wanted to be my first. I’m just like, damn can you get to know me first? I’m a great person! Lmao but that wasn’t her focus. So despite my initial attraction to her, I was turned off. And, after the shit I found out about her, I’m glad I didn’t fck her lol. I started fckn with this guy but his ass was way too old to be acting how he was acting so I stopped fckn with him. I very briefly kinda talked to this girl I worked at Petsmart with but I think my attraction was a “I can save her” one and she clearly ain’t want saving lol. We still chat and flirt. She wants to take me out on a picnic. I don’t think I'ma go lol. Before all them, and kinda during all them, is R. R is a guy I started fckn like seven years ago after I broke up with my ex. Initially, all we did was fck to make up for the nonexistent sex life I had in my relationship and that’s all I wanted. For like two (maybe three) of those years he had a girlfriend, which I respected, so I started fckn other niggas. We reconnected on a dating app and we fckd same week. I started to like him. I mean, I’m kinda ready for a relationship so I relay that to him since he stated that if I had mentioned it before he wouldn’t have gotten with the girl he was with. But I knew he wouldn’t be ready for a relationship so he said we could “build a foundation”. I’m thinking, communication, consistency, dates, ya know, foundation building type shit. I barely heard from this nigga unless we was fckn. If I asked a question it was a problem. It just wasn’t right, and my feelings was involved. So I cut him off. Obviously I was wrong for that. So I told him maybe we could just fck and that’s it. I was wrong for that. So I cut him off again. I invited him to my goddaughter’s grandmother’s birthday party, he came. I got drunk. We discussed some shit. I ended up “wasting his time”. He cut me off. I was basically kissing ass. I got tired of that. The communication lacked. I cut him off again. He said he loved me and that he’d do anything to make it right but I knew it was bullshit. I stood by my words but I couldn’t get him off my mind for shit. Even while fckn with another guy, Dre. I met Dre on a dating website lol. I like him a lot but I think something wrong with me lol. R just fcks me so well. Like, so so well. Our sexual chemistry is perfect. Everything else is off. Dre is a good guy, we had sex once but I was sleepy. Like, dead sleepy, so I couldn’t get into it. I’m pretty sure he’s a great lay but I’m stuck on dumb ass R. It pisses me off. Dre was perfect at first but now he’s just like R. No communication. No consistency. And I know it’s because he was laid off and is finally back working and playing bill catch up but still. I’m trying to be understanding. And I do care about him. But I work EVERY DAY. I still find time to attempt to check on him only to not get a response. I suggest going out. He can’t. I even offered to pay, because I know he’s behind and I’m thinking he don’t want to go out simply because he has to put his money toward bills. Nope. It’s just, I’m not getting what I want and it leads me back to R because hey, at least I’m guaranteed a nut our seven. And the longevity is there. But I’m not about to be fckn a nigga I have feelings for for another seven fckn years because he’s not ready for a relationship. ***I should pause this update to mention that R just left. I done put this post in my drafts like seven times lol. But, we fckd. I moaned “I hate you” in his ear, he told me I didn’t mean that and fckd me harder. I really do hate him. Prior to the sex, I told him we should just be friends and then see what happens. We hashed out our issues I guess. He told me he can’t be my friend. Said we were already friends. I said no we aren’t. He kept touching me. His touch makes me weak. He knows this. I wanted it. Bad. Before he even came over. I knew that’s what I wanted. But I put up a “fight” because I know he don’t deserve it. But I knew I was gonna give it to him anyway. Something is truly wrong with me smh. Anyway, I’m not gonna stop seeing Dre if he ever comes back around. Well once he get his shit together on his end financially. Our connection isn’t completely lost, he’s just working hard to get back on top of bills and I understand that. I of all people know what it’s like to not have money. Hell, I’ve even given him money toward small shit like gas and food. I should mention that when I met him he wasn’t like this lol. He was on his shit. But his job is contractual. He was out of work for a month due to it ending and the next contract not starting when it was supposed to. So, I get it. I just want him to catch up and come back to me. I think it’s something there that’s worth exploring. I know me and R will never do more than fck. And if we attempted a relationship, it won’t work. He’s a Pisces. My ex is a Pisces. I’m a Pisces. Pisces-Pisces is a horrible pair to began with. Ironically, our sexual desires are mutual which is basically what keeps up from completely quitting each other. Like I said, a fckn disaster lol. 5. I found out the “straightest” girl I know has an attraction to women. I’m literally still reeling over that lol. Me personally, I think gender attraction is fluid but I think I may be going based off my own experiences. It wasn’t until Koya that I even ever had an attraction to women lol. After her, I’ve just been neutral about it. I wouldn’t consider myself bi lol. Just, idk, not gonna miss out on someone or something real because they’re the same gender as myself. Not finna block my blessings lol. But there’s always that girl that you could never imagine wanting to be with another girl, until she text you about her there is a girl that makes her wet and she wants to taste her. Changes your whole perspective lol. 6. One of my brothers has a baby on the way. Or possibly has a baby on the way. I don’t care, but the fact kills me because they’re incompetent. Both not capable of raising a child because he’s only 19, jobless, and didn’t complete highschool. She’s, just as lacking. My mom is about to be a grandparent to the child of the child that caused her the most grief and pain due to his actions. I just pray they don’t drive her insane. I can’t stand seeing her stressed. They’re taking a paternity test, am I wrong for hoping it isn’t his? 7. Ever since my other brother moved to PA, we don’t talk. I keep up with him from his daily snapchats. We text every now and then about our dysfunctional family but that’s it. He’s changed. He smokes weed now, drinks constantly, and just lives recklessly. My mom doesn’t know. He flaunts all this money around on social media but always cries broke to her. On Mother’s Day he came down and bought my mom a card and flowers. That’s it. Might I mention he didn’t even read the card long enough to see that was a Happy Nurse’s Day card and not one for the occasion. She didn’t care. She was happy to see him. I got her a discovery flight experience, took her to a comedy show and paid for everything, plus flowers, chocolate, and a card. She was excited for that too, but it’s evident he’s still the golden child. Despite everything, and the wrong he’s done, he can still do no wrong. Baffling. I truly don’t think this is an issue with my mom, but with my brother. He does the bare minimum every birthday and Mother’s Day while I go above and beyond and the gratitude is the same. And he makes the money to do something more meaningful for her. I want to do what he do but I just, she’s our mother. I think she can get more than a card and some flowers every damn holiday. Maybe I’m just jealous. I miss the old him. 8. While at Petsmart me and a coworker adopted a 12 year old Jack Russell terrier from a lady who had to move in with her mom at a nursing home so she couldn’t take him with her. He had a slew of health problems but he stole our hearts so we couldn’t resist, plus, a shelter would have killed him. His name was Dinks. We coparented him for 6 months before he died on my dad’s birthday in September. We were heartbroken. I mean, it tore me to pieces. I cried so damn hard and she did too. It took a minute for us to recover. He had dermatitis so he used to thump his back leg on his front leg to scratch himself. For a long while after his passing I’d still hear little ghost thumps. He was just so perfect and I wish I could’ve spent an eternity with him. I’ll never forget the little dude. Since then, she adopted a coonhound from a shelter and I adopted a chihuahua mix from a lady on Craigslist. We’re both happy with our new pets but Dinks still has a place in our hearts. Maybe this post will have a part two but that’s my life in a nutshell. A fckn mess with a few good things. I might go back to my daily posts but I had to put this somewhere so I can clear my head space. My mind just runs rampant with all the things and I have to put it somewhere or it’ll be cluttered lol. This public post is basically for me lol. But, you’re welcome.

[toastandjamz-blog]

Dream a Little

My husband and I have been together for almost four years and our sex life has plateaued. I've been dreaming about one of my exes; we fought constantly and spent most of our time angry. But the sex? Oh man. I had a dream last night that I was 18 again, and he was 21 again. We were at the community college where we met and things were as they had been. I could really feel his skin, and smell the Red Bull and nicotine on his breath. In my dream we didn't fight, we loved. It was intense and smooth all at once, and I felt horrible when I woke up next to my husband. Do dreams tell us something? Or do they highlight the worst versions of ourselves?

[codenamedmar]

ʷʰʸ ʷᵒᶰᵗ ʸᵒᵘ ᶫᵒᵛᵉ ᵐᵉ﹖

[ginaslikegenius]

When He is My Man.

Listening to your foolish Bruno Mars song makes me think of you...

and on thinking of this...

I just want you to know something....

He will buy me flowers, just like you did.

He will hold my hand, just like you did.

He will give me all his hours, just like you did.

He will have a chance, just like you did.

He will take me to every party, because he knows how much I love to dance.......just like you did.  The only difference between you and him...?

It's that he won't stop doing those things..

They will mean something to him...

I will mean something to him...

"Us" will mean something to him...

and?

that will make all the difference.