#and love seeing him trying to hold onto his control (almost always unsuccessfully)

[padfootastic]

Hello I have come to you with another Prongsfoot thought: James absolutely losing his mind when he comes home one day (or comes back to the dorm one day) to find Sirius wearing his jersey (and perhaps nothing else hehehe.)

oh but i’ve got just the thing for you, miss imp 😉 this is a headcanon i’ve had for the longest time, because james is absolutely the kind of person who loses his mind when his partner wears his name on them. and we already know anything sirius does is maddening for him sooooooo this is. a deadly combination.

(i’ve posted this before but it’s gotten lost in the Great Tumblr Archival System so i’m reposting it hehehehe)

“Alright, James, this can’t go on anymore,” Sirius said, voice firm, arms crossed across his chest. James blinked, eyes dragging up from where they’d been fixed on his collarbones, unusually exposed in the large jersey, to focus on furrowed brows and suspicious grey eyes.

“What can’t go on anymore?”

“This—whatever’s going on with you!” Sirius threw one arm out in emphasis. “You’ve been acting off the entire day, do you realise?”

James tilted his head in question, silently asking for him to elaborate. He knew he’s been…a little distracted, but it couldn’t have been so much as to call for this intervention, surely?

“James!” Sirius says, exasperated and really, that’s one too many times he’s called him by his full name. He can’t even remember the last time Sirius did that. “You crashed into a wall twice, tripped over Mrs. Norris’ tail and had to hide inside a suit of armor to avoid her claws—then you fell over in the damn thing and got a bump the size of an ostrich egg on your head. Five seconds ago, you almost plummeted off the staircase to your death and now you’ve been somewhere Not Here the entire time I’ve been talking. Seriously, what gives?”

Okay, maybe, put it that way, it sounded quite bad but James didn’t intend to be so scatter brained! He was having a perfectly decent time, had his head screwed on straight and then Sirius had to go and mess all that up! He was not prepared for the sight of him walking out of the shower, a cloud of steam escaping behind him. His hair was half wet and pulled back, cheeks flushed red from the heat and most importantly, he was wearing James’ Quidditch Jersey.

The one that was at least two sizes bigger than Sirius usual clothes. And the one that, when his best mate turned around, had POTTER emblazoned in huge letters across the shoulders. James had just stood there, jaw slack and fingers clenched around his tie, taking in the sight. He knew what his jersey looked like, had worn it hundreds of times, but he never knew it could be like this.

And that had just been the beginning. It seemed like with every passing hour, Sirius looked better in the damn thing than before which—shouldn’t be possible considering how extremely good he looked in the first place. Seriously, if James wasn’t as…confident as he was, he would’ve definitely gotten a complex by now. As it was, Wormtail always looked a bit peaky around Sirius. Just before their first class, Sirius’ had dried into his usual perfect curls, loose strands framing his face. By the time second rolled around, the jersey had slipped off one shoulder, exposing sharp collarbones. James didn’t even know bones could look so- so obscene but here he was, proven wrong. Right after lunch, Sirius had gotten frustrated with how much the fabric was flapping and had casually used his hair tie to knot it in the back.

This led to two things. First, his hair was now free to tumble around his face, leaving James with the strongest urge to run his hands through it, or perhaps even tick strands behind one ear. He only avoided doing so by utilising pressing his fingers into his palms to the point of pain. The second, more maddening, one was that now, it wasn’t just his unnervingly attractive shoulder but also his waist that was on tantalising display. Every time he stretched, or raised his hand in class, or ran a hand through his hair—the jersey would ride up until Sirius’ pale skin peeked through and honestly, was it really a wonder that James almost walked off the moving staircases the first time he got a glimpse of that happening?

The entire day was an exercise in making him lose his mind, he was certain. Somewhere, he had pissed off a deity and they wanted him to suffer because there was no other explanation for this. James had never been one to feel possessive. In fact, he loved sharing everything he had with the people around him. Their joy was his joy and all that. Hell, Sirius and him had been wearing each other’s clothes since first year when Sirius hadn’t had anything except uncomfortably formal robes for Christmas morning, which was an atrocity because everyone knew you wore ugly sweaters on the day so he’d given his to Sirius and DIY’d one for himself. Of course, as James started playing Quidditch and bulked up harder and faster than anyone could’ve predicted, it had decreased until the only things they really shared were robes and ties.

But seeing his name on Sirius? Plastered across his body, marking him as James’? He just knew, right there and then, that he could never go back. Now that he’d felt what it was like, that burning heat deep in his gut, the dizzying feeling of seeing Sirius look so…delicate—there was no way he couldn’t crave more of it. In his head, James had already started making plans for now he could, inconspicuously, get Sirius’ in his jersey more often. Because it absolutely has to happen again, James hasn’t had nowhere near enough of the sight.

“Jamie? James!” A hand waved in front of him, ripping him away from his pleasant daydreams of seeing Sirius in nothing but his jersey. His face flamed red, not even realising the direction his thoughts had travelled in until he blinked and saw Sirius standing in front of him, looking bemused and dressed perfectly respectably (James was trying very hard to ignore the skin visible just above his waistband.

“Er—sorry,” James said, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. “Went away for a second there.”

“That’s exactly what I mean! You’ve been drifting away quite a bit today.”

“It’s not—Seriously, nothing’s wrong—“

“I never said it was,” Sirius said, shrewdly, making James immediately choke on his words as he tried to backtrack.

“No—That’s not…I mean—“ James’ teeth snapped shut with an incriminating ‘clack’ as Sirius steps closer to him, toed shoes touching at the tips. Close enough that they were breathing the same air, for James to see the shades of grey in Sirius’ eyes. Close enough that he could feel the movement of Sirius’ chest as he breathed deeply.

“Si?” he croaks, throat too dry all of a sudden.

“Won’t you tell me what happened, James?” Sirius’ voice was soft, pitched low and James had to strain his ears to hear him properly. He gulped unsteadily, eyes tracking the way Sirius tongue slipped out to wet his bottom lip, leaving a maddening shine behind.

“Si,” he said, again, tone matching Sirius’. One of his hands had, without his permission, travelled to the waist he’d been eyeing for the better part of the day. It was featherlight, barely even a touch, really, but the way Sirius shuddered when his hand made contact with warm skin was entirely too much for James’ already fraying self control. His fingers twitched, hard, in an attempt to stop but in the next second, they’d wrapped themselves entirely around the body in his arms. James’ forearm was pressed tight against Sirius’ back, their noses were mere inches away, and Sirius’ eyes were more than halfway shut.

James took a deep breath himself and let his hand press imprints into the curve of Sirius’ waist. The only response he got was the feeling of Sirius’ forehead pressing into his shoulder, arms wrapping around him in return.

It was then that James let his own shoulders unclench, let himself relax like he hadn’t the whole day. A soft smile lifted his lips as he thought about where to go from here

“You’ll wear this for me again, won’t you, darling?” he asked, pressing the question into Sirius’ dark curls with a kiss. He didn’t get a reply but he didn’t need one. Sirius’ hitched breath was enough of an answer for him.

[zuppizup]

Water

Previous - End of the world

“Do not ask how the ocean’s blue, or why the tides their time do keep. To love is to simply know this: The tides are true as the ocean is deep”

Rayla begins to come to as the sun is setting, the moon hanging on the horizon. She looks around the clearing, as she pushes herself up on her elbows and Callum hurries over to her. He’s been unsuccessfully trying to light the fire, but their tinder is still damp.

Breathing a sigh of relief, he helps her sit up. The colour has return to her cheeks somewhat and her breathing finally sounds normal.

“Where are we?” she asks, looking around her.

“Not far from where we ran into Claudia,” he offers her his water skin, but she doesn’t even seem to notice it as she begins to gather her things.

“How far have you tracked them?” Her hands move to her back and he can see a little of the tension leave her shoulders when she finds her blades securely holstered.

“Tracked them?” he tries to urge her to relax. It’s almost night and she’s been unconscious for hours. They’ve no idea what the spell Claudia performed on her did and the last thing she needs to do is to go stumbling through a dark forest.

“How much of a head start do they have?” Pushing herself to her feet, she stumbles a little and he rushes to catch her.

“Too much.” He tries to urge her to sit, but she ignores him. “Rayla, you need to rest. You were out for hours.”

“We don’t have time!” She grits her teeth, eyes glistening. “The Cube-”

“Yeah, they have it now, and we have no chance of getting it back with you like this!” He takes a deep breath, attempting to keep his temper under control.

“Oh, so it’s my fault?!” She attempts to glare at him, the look undercut by the tears on her cheeks.

He huffs, balling his fists. “That’s not what I’m saying and you know it.”

Turning away from him, she begins walking to the edge of the clearing.

“Rayla, stop!” He hurries after her, grabbing her wrist. “We need a plan. We can’t just go blindly chasing after them!”

She pulls her hand back, turning to glare at him. “Callum, we know what they’re going to do with it!” Tears well up in her eyes again. “How could you?”

“How could I?” He scoffs. “What other options did I have?!”

“They’re going to restore Aaravos and we gave them the last piece of the puzzle!” Her tears are angry now. “What were you thinking?!”

“I obviously wasn’t thinking!” He spits, and it seems to momentarily shock her into silence. “Of course I gave up the Cube to save your life! I love you!"

Taking a breath, he shakes his head, some of the fire leaving him. It’s the first time he’s said it since she’s come back...

She wipes her eyes, her shoulders slumped now. “Callum, you can’t-”

“What, you just expected me to watch? To stand idly by while Claudia suffocated you or slit your throat or... or...?” He blinks his own tears from his eyes now. “Do you think I could do that?”

This seems to get through to her somewhat and she falls silent again.

“If it came down to it, could you do it? If Aaravos possessed me again, could you kill me?” He takes her hand. “Even though it might have stopped this.”

Her breath catches and she closes her eyes, reaching for him. He takes her in his arms, holding her close.

“Callum, what if we’ve doomed the world?” She whispers into his neck, her voice barely above a whisper.

He doesn’t reply. Not because he doesn’t have an answer but because he knows she won’t like it. That it would weigh heavy on her, be another burden that’s not hers to carry but that she would all the same.

Because he doesn’t care.

He knows if presented with the choice again, he’d choose her. That he would always choose her. That there would never be an eventuality where he’d be able to hold onto the Cube and let her die.

[7ban-sama]

What would it take to drive Amane to eat Nene?

*gets a wistful expression, like I'm about to make a wish on a dandelion* Ahh... I wonder...

By now, it's clear that consumption is some sort of... consummation, in this manga, so it would be a major milestone for hananene to reach "that point." Since their relationship is relatively new (a handful of months old) I think we're still watching them build up to something that "extreme". So far, we've been mostly in the throes of Amane resisting his urges and possessiveness around her. With mixed results, of course. But still. Some ways to go, before he was at that breaking point...

(Not fair though, because AidaIro sure aren't afraid to tease us about it.

Diabolical of them...)

That being said, I always get the impression that Amane harbors more predatory feelings for Nene than we've been fully shown. This moment where he says this in the Severance is meant to torment Akane, but it really haunts me. He's not lying, after all; we see the kaii clamoring for Aoi, once she is left unattended.

Isn't this incriminating for Amane, given that he has his own kannagi?? But, in this circumstance, Amane is assuming the Severance will be perpetuated, and he will never have to see Nene again. In a moment like this, I guess there's no reason to obfuscate this — especially when talking to Teru and Akane, of all people. Ugh, but my head spins, if I have to think about Nene's soul being something especially desirable to Amane...!! He's already hidden so much, so this could very well be another layer to it all.

Between this, and Amane's possessiveness, and his history with Tsukasa... I feel like Nene is some sort of boxtrap designed to make Amane go insane. An irresistible set up of a lonely girl who no one will have, with no future... someone who would be easy to entrap into servitude. Yet, the very limit of her life is going to make Amane feel panicked with the urge to take control of it. The clock is ticking! If he doesn't do something, then she'll be gone! Extending her life is, perhaps, the most benevolent way of trying to cope with the impending doom of her life coming to a close... but I wonder if that kind of anxiety was spurred by, ahh. Perhaps trying to keep other demons at bay. The side of you that perhaps, can't help but think, If she's going to die anyways, I might as well... Agh! No!! It's happening again!!! I feel like an authority on an entire person's life-!!!

*waves hand* I juggle various HCs, so I sometimes contemplate alternate truths, but currently it is my favorite is: Amane has already felt the urge to kill/consume Nene, and events like PP and Severance are him trying to run away from his nature. Unsuccessfully, of course, but as crazy as he gets, these instances are still him holding back something...

It is impossible to make peace with, because he earnestly wishes to protect her as well. He wants to be her dashing savior, her hero. He cherishes and loves her. Why, then, does he want to harm her? Well, I think these are all the same conflicting feelings he had over Tsukasa, and it's why he struggles with the reality of what he did. Having been so defined as 'big brother', I feel like Amane had a whoole complex about needing to care and protect Tsukasa. But how did it all culminate in a stab to the heart...? It's all so contradictory. You can almost understand how all Amane can conclude is that he was insane and now perpetually lives as some, twisted monster, a remnant of that action.

So with all that laid out... I think he's still the same as ever, deep down, and could be driven to snap. Even if he digs his heels in and resists. What hasn't changed is he still craves to enact this sort of desire onto a body. Take you, have you, consume you.

Most romantically, I'd just love for all of Nene's encouragement and acceptance of Amane's past to make him feel eroded — like he just can't keep holding back, if she's offering herself to him so earnestly. She was willing to stay with him on the Far Shore... and I think that was too much for Amane, which is why he was cruel about it. But if Nene had the resolve, the patience, to not get worn down by his defensiveness about it, to... simply insist, that she would do anything, endure anything, to stay with him... ah... That shaky grip on his sanity could finally falter.

Moments like this are when Nene is most bewitching, I think. Girl on her knees, curtained by her hair... Exhibiting something akin to reverence. If she could speak with certainty about what she wanted from him, then I think it'd finally give Amane no choice, haha. Though I feel bad, it's a lot to ask of a girl... a lot is on Nene's shoulders, as the protagonist. 9.9

Through less direct means, I feel as though Nene could also tempt fate by being in enough circumstances where Amane has to fear losing control of her life. With threats from Teru to end it, and Kou to prolong it, things like that... You could spur Amane to have to act. Just out of fear of anyone getting there first. I don't think he could stand the thought... It'd really be like, sighs, eyes lid. I must do it. I've lost the battle.

I could go on and on but also this is painful for my little Amane brain to interface with directly. *closes eyes* It's like dreaming of confessing to her, or something. Like, god, I wish. *traces circles on window* Someday...

Silver lining of this all, is that Amane has been capable of it in other worlds.

He has this inside of him, I'm certain!

[vi-trying-to-survive]

Juice Box

Peter Parker x f! Reader

Warnings: None, not really, is mostly just cute fluff

Summary: Some of Peter and (Y/N)'s movie night shenanigans, when she won't let him get to the fridge.

A/N: I really hope you guys like it 💖💖💖 Please let me know if you do and if you like my writing feel free to leave a request 💖💖💖

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Water dropped onto the cold, yellowed tile of the bathroom floor, the chill air surrounding him, made him quickly wrap the fluffy towel around his body, cocooning himself, sighing at the warmth it brought. Unfortunately, for Peter's sake, spider powers did not include temperature control, promptly drying off the excess water, pulling on a pair of, what (Y/N) called unique, pajamas, covered with illustrations of bats, pumpkins and potions, very on brand for Halloween, according to her. He chuckled, recalling her excitement at school when she handed him the carefully wrapped package, eyes glittering when they looked at him, at which he knew he would love whatever was in it, for her sake, as he pushed the door open, creating a large creak that drifted through the strangely quiet space. Eyebrows raised, the boy walked through the short corridor, questioning the silence, knowing his girlfriend was not the most quiet of individuals, feeling his stance relax and lips curve upwards into a smile as he spotted the oblivious girl jumping about in the kitchen.

He leaned against the wall, admiring the way her hair flew aggressively, strands slicing jaggedly in the empty space around her, hands flailing around, up and down, mimicking an ungrateful wave. To most people this would probably be an awkward scene to watch, seeing the way she moved around was more likely to resemble an octopus wiggling around the depths of the ocean than a ballerina twirling strategically, but Peter supposed he wasn’t most people.

Her moment of peace was interrupted when she felt a sock-clad foot lose balance, sliding slightly further than she intended, almost causing her to collapse onto the stained panels of the wooden floor, her arms reached out aimlessly, just snatching hold of the corner of the smooth, pristine surface of the counter top. Snapping out of her daze, she noticed the boy who was now much closer to her, palms grabbing unsuccessfully in the air, an attempt to save her from another debacle, which wasn’t really necessary, much to his dismay, evident by the frown plastered on his face at the lost opportunity to be her hero. Stifling the giggle that dared rise from her chest, she steadied herself up carefully once more, turning softly to face her worried boyfriend, forehead creased with concern as he calculated her every move, the palm of her hand gently cupping his cheek, stroking the warm, flushed skin, before planting a delicate kiss, “Don’t worry Pete”, she smiled softly, “you’re always my hero”. Her words made his lips instinctively curl upwards into a beaming grin, hands sliding down to intertwine with hers, rubbing circles into the back of her palm gratefully.

Taking in her outfit, reflective of his, the same odd pajamas that she insisted on, he twirled her around, chuckling at the way she but her lip unconsciously to contain the growing smile from spreading across her face, strands of her hair spinning along with her, like a crown around her face.

Stopping he helped steady her, before reaching out behind her frame to reach the fridge, frowning in annoyance when his hand was swatted away from the rusted, red-brown handle, tilting his head to find the culprit, (Y/N) giving him a mockingly stern look, “Babe I was doing something important”, waving her finger in front of his face, “before you interrupted”.

Snorting, he rolled his eyes playfully, crossing his arms across his chest, as he fixated his gaze on hers, “Baby I didn’t interrupt”, he lamented, trying to contain the growing laughter in his throat, watching her eyebrows furrow together in frustration, “You just almost fell and I so happened to be present for the show”.

Frantically laying her palms across her chest as she shut her eyes, she gasped comically at his response, opening them slightly to take in his reaction, almost breaking character as he pressed his lips together tightly, making his laughs turn into high pitched wheezes. Giving him another serious look, she blocked his pathway to the fridge, “I have decided”, she declared, voice echoing through the empty apartment, mixed with the sounds of cars passing through the streets of the city that never sleeps, “you shall not reach the fridge”.

He smirked moving closer towards her, ending his head down low, so that his lips reached her ears, warm breath tickling the sensitive skin of her neck, as he whispered, “Baby I can lift a bus with my bare hands", her breath hitched, feeling his arms circle her waist, her head reflexively tilting upwards to meet his for a passionate, desperate kiss, allowing her hands to latch behind his neck, gently tugging at the strands of hair, "What makes you think I can't get past you". Much to her shock, she felt herself being pulled off the ground, as he tossed her across his shoulders, securing her tightly with one hand, grinning innocently, imagining the scowl on her face, as she huffed and wiggled around in his hold, "You know this is just unfair". The fridge door sent a cool breeze past his face as it shut with an almost silent puff, holding his juice box triumphantly towards the girl, who now lay still, sulking, seemingly having accepted her captive state, "No, keeping me from the fridge was unfair".

Poking the plastic straw through the brightly colored box, he took a sip as he brought them to the living room, plopping her down onto the couch, laughing as she crossed her arms furiously across her chest, face almost turning red, refusing to look at him. He pouted, laying his head on her lap, attempting his best puppy eyes with her, knowing she couldn't resist as she groaned tilting her head down to look at the boy, "You have to admit it was kind of funny", he grinned up at her. She glared at him, yet positioned her fingers in his hair, tangling them in the soft, fluffy curls, occasionally tugging, "Your lucky I love you", making him sigh contently. He reached out to the coffee table, fingers running across the rubber buttons of the television remote, hitting play to start the movie, enjoying the normalcy she brought to his life.

[forever-rogue]

OH I HAVE AN IDEA like an angsty fic where bucky and reader have a miscommunication and it causes a fight between them and they are both like ???? “we’ve never yelled at each other ??? what is this” AND IDK I JUST WANT ANGST

So, head empty, very little thoughts, but I hope this works and you like it 🥺

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

You sang along to the music that was playing softly in the background as you showered and got ready for your day. You’d had a late start, easily giving into Bucky and staying in bed for just five more minutes, which had really turned out to be almost another hour. The good thing about being the boss was that you could afford to be late every once in a while. Bucky was in the kitchen, whipping up a quick breakfast before he too needed to leave and go about his day.

“Sugar,” he called out to you as you washed your hair. You could faintly make out his voice as you carried on, but figured you’d be able to make out what he was saying well enough, “I’ve got everything made and prepared just how you like it!”

You thought nothing of it for a moment and continued to wash your hair; but about halfway through the motions, you stopped in surprise. What had he actually said?

“Bucky? Bub, what did you say?” you quickly rinsed out our hair before pulling back the shower curtain as you tried to listen in. Had he really said he was mad?

“It’s all done! I’m done,” he called back as he covered your plate for you to find once you got out of the shower. He grabbed his travel mug of coffee and headed towards the door, giving Alpine a quick pet before leaving, “bye honey. Running late and gotta go - I’m leaving!”

“Bucky!” you almost slipped and fell as you tore back the shower curtain and almost jumped out of the shower. It was still running as you haphazardly grabbed a towel and darted down the hall and into the kitchen. But he was already gone; the only thing that was left behind was the faint smell of his cologne. Swallowing the nervous lump in your throat, you trudged back down the hall to finish your shower. You were already running late and whatever this was - whatever had just happened - would need to wait until later.

Had Bucky really just broken up with you in the midst of a shower? It sure seemed like it right now.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

A heavy sigh escaped your lips as you sat down and stared at your computer screen. You’d had the same spreadsheets and charts pulled up for the last two hours and made almost no progress. You swore that almost every single interaction you’d had with Bucky over the last week was playing on loop in your mind. You were desperately trying to figure out where you’d gone wrong, what had caused him to snap.

In an effort to alleviate your own fears, you’d texted Bucky to get a response from him and see what was going on. But you hadn’t heard back from him. You’d sent three messages before deciding not to bombard him. But still...if he was just up and leaving you after almost three years together, he owed you at least a small explanation.

You opened google and quickly pulled up an apartment search, already resigned yourself to the idea that you’d need to find a new place fast. Being around for too long would be too hard and you didn’t want to subject to more torture than necessary. And Alpine! You’d need to decide what to do with your beloved cat - Alpine loved you equally, how were you to choose who would get the fluffy little thing? And all the friends in common you shared...who would they side with?

“Fuck,” you groaned at nothing in particular and decided to focus on your work. At least that would keep you distracted and your brain focused on something other than Bucky. You would figure out everything else tonight. It would all be fine. This was no big deal; maybe your world was falling apart...but you would handle it. You always did.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

When you finally allowed yourself to go home that evening, you were shocked to find the lights on and Bucky in the kitchen. He was on the phone with someone, his new girlfriend or someone like that you immediately presumed, moving about the kitchen as he finished dinner. You choked up as you watched the domestic scene that was so normal to you by now. But this time, it felt so wrong.

You stormed in and for whatever reason, you decided that grabbing a pillow and throwing it at Bucky was a good idea. You picked the soft thing up in your arms and hurled at him, who suddenly realized you were home and yelped in surprise as he dodged the offending object. He raised his eyebrows in surprise as he pointed to the earbuds in ears as he turned back to the stove.

You were seeing red by now as you stormed in the kitchen and ripped his earbuds out. He was so stunned by your sudden actions, he jumped back and offered up a shocked look.

“What the fuck are you doing here!?” you shouted at him as you threw the buds on the floor, half tempted to stomp them, “how fucking dare you!”

“Sugar, what on earth are you talking about?” he grabbed his phone off the counter and ended the call without hesitation. Your chest heaved as you waited for some sort of explanation, “what’s going on? Are you alright?”

“No, I’m not alright! How on earth could I be alright?” you threw your hands up in exasperation as you tried to unsuccessfully hold back your tears. He was so calm and nonchalant about everything it was almost more frustrating than anything else.

“Okay...something is going on. Care to enlighten me?” he tried to reach up and wipe your tears away but you flinched out of his touch, “sugar?”

“Y-you! It’s you!” you cried softly as he motioned for you to explain just what it was about him that was the problem.

“What about me…?”

“You just break up with me this morning and tell me you’re leaving me and then you just come back like nothing has happened?” as soon as the words left your mouth, Bucky’s mouth dropped open. It was news to him that he’d broken up with you, “and you didn’t answer my texts all day! I deserve some sort of explanation!”

“I didn’t...I didn’t break up with you, Sugar,” he stated simply as you tilted to your head in confusion, trying to decide if he was pulling your leg or being honest, “why would I leave you? That makes no sense. I love you - I’m in love with you!”

“This morning,” you whispered softly, “you said you were done and you were leaving. When I was in the shower.”

His brows furrowed as he tried to figure out what exactly you were talking about. But then it hit him and he struggled not to burst out laughing. He gnawed on his lip as he fervently shook his head, “my sweet girl, you...well you heard me correctly, but incorrectly at the same time.”

“What? I-I swear…”

“What I said was breakfast was done and that I was leaving for work because I was running late too,” he explained as you tried to replay all that you had heard. Maybe...maybe you hadn’t heard him correctly at all - and in turn jumped to the worst possible conclusion, “I had to run...I’m sorry I didn’t come into the bathroom and say goodbye. Maybe that would have solved this whole thing.”

“You’re not..leaving me?” you asked as he just shook his head and took the opportunity to wrap his arms around you, “you still love me?”

“I find it both hilarious and concerning that you so easily thought I would just leave,” he kissed the top of your head as you held onto him as tightly as possible, “of course I’m not leaving. You never have to worry about that, sugar. I love you so much, silly girl. You sweet, silly girl.”

“I’m an absolute idiot,” you mumbled as you buried your face in his shoulder. You couldn’t believe that you jumped from A to Z so quickly and without a moment of hesitation, “I’m sorry, Bub. I feel like I wouldn’t blame you if you did want to leave me now.”

“Never,” he promised softly, “even if you do have moments of being ridiculous. Just like I do.”

“If I ever do something so dumb again,” you huffed as you pulled back and looked at those ocean eyes, “just smack some sense into me. But I...you didn’t answer my texts.”

“Texts?” he seemed genuinely confused as he reached for his phone and correctly scrolled through his messages. You could see that there were none from you, “what are you…I was in bad reception today. Blame Sam, that I was just on the phone with, for that one. They probably never came through. I’m sorry, honey. If they’d come in, maybe we could have avoided this whole situation, huh?"

“Some bad luck on top of it,” you hid your face behind your hands and sighed heavily, “James. I..I’m so sorry for everything. I just downright acted like a fool today. I don’t even know where to begin to apologize. I love you, Bub. I hope you can forgive me, but if not...I would-”

“Hey,” he put his hand under chin and turned your face up to meet his own. His smile was lilting and gentle and his eyes soft, “I love you. It’s alright done and forgotten. Are you hungry? Dinner’s just about finished.”

“I love you more than anything,” you whispered as he pressed a gentle kiss to your lips, “I just...my emotions were so all over the place today. Like out of control, A to Z. I don’t know what happened.”

“Shit happens,” he dismissed it with a slight scoff as he reached for some dishes, “I’m yours, sugar. Always.”

“Me too,” you agreed as you leaned against the counter, watching him with nothing but adoration. It was then that another realization - and possibly an explanation - hit you. It felt like a punch in the gut, “shit.”

“What?” Bucky asked as he started to plate dinner, “everything okay?”

“Yeah,” you smiled nervously, “just remembered something I forgot to do today.”

“As long as you’re alright…”

“I am,” you promised. You could worry about this later, “hey - I love you so much, Bucky. You know that right?”

“I love you too. Always.”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

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[castthy-nightedcolour]

One- Shot: The Seaside Dream (written as part of my series ‘don’t worry about a thing’ on AO3, link can be found at the bottom of the post as it won’t let me embed it)

Fandom: Good Omens

Characters: GN Reader, Aziraphale, Crowley

Warnings and Tags: depression, skipping meals, dynamic duo, here come the boysssss, soft crowley

Summary: you don’t show up for wine with crowley and aziraphale, and the two hurry to your apartment to see what’s going on

Word Count: 2281

Link to original: https://archiveofourown.org/works/31055930/chapters/83889112

‘Crowley, please hurry!’

The pained cry of the angel came from the top of the flight of stairs in your apartment block, echoing off the concrete walls. This mixed with the reverberant sigh of Crowley, and the ever- so- slow tread of his footsteps.

‘CROWLEY. This is important! Do you not care?’

The demon stopped dead in his tracks, planting his feet at the bottom of the set of stairs that the out of breath Aziraphale stood at the top of.

Crowley was not at all happy with the angel’s question.

‘Do I not what? Care? Oh Angel, you’re asking to be pushed down these stairs,’ he responded, almost growling under his breath. In any other circumstance, this might have actually pleased Aziraphale, however this time, he was actually terrified.

-

The scenario had started with what Aziraphale called ‘a dreadfully funny feeling.’

Since Armageddon was narrowly avoided, the angel and the demon had found themselves at somewhat of a loose end on Earth, enjoying their free time together but still constantly striving for some higher purpose.

That’s where you came in. Little did you know that a walk into a lovely little bookshop called A.Z Fell & Co. one day to search for an overpriced illustrated copy of your favourite book would lead to drinking a couple of bottles of wine with the owner and his companion for seven hours straight, and that this would become a weekly tradition. You just clicked with the pair, you found them magnetising and, well, you were a fascinating human to the angel and the demon, so they quickly grew fond of you.

The two supernatural beings then decided that their purpose would be caring. Caring for you.

Not in a suffocating way though, at least that was never the intention. Between the two of them, Crowley and Aziraphale decided from the get go that they would just be there for you as a friend, with little extras added on top like going out and buying your shopping for you whenever there was a thunderstorm, or baking you enough cake to feed the 5000. But, the pair’s talents in observance and intuition slowly made them realise that something was always just slightly off with you.

To them, it seemed like there was always something hidden behind a wall in your head, like a pretence that you constantly held up. Granted, part of their realisation came when in one of your drinking sessions at the bookshop, you let slip that you hadn’t eaten a proper meal for two days and they both nearly hit the roof. They asked you why, and kept asking why (Aziraphale in particular was extremely persistent) but you brushed it off- you always brushed it off.

‘No no, it’s nothing to be worried about, I promise! I’ve just been so busy, y’know? It’s nothing, please Aziraphale, you can sit down. Don’t you worry about me.’

Now, Crowley could sense a lie from a mile off considering he was the lord of them, and Aziraphale could feel that your inner emotions were about as steady as a mongoose riding a pedal bike, and they therefore deduced that they should in fact worry about you.

And so the slightly incompetent suffocation began.

This was definitely mainly from Aziraphale, as his senses for detecting emotional suffering and hurt were a lot stronger than Crowley’s- this was just down to how long he’d been pulling angelic manoeuvres. Crowley was a lot less practised however when he felt that something was off, he really did feel that something was off. This however meant that wherever in London you were, Aziraphale would realise that something was wrong, no matter how small the inconvenience.

Notable occasions included when the tubes on the Central Line were running one minute late and Aziraphale unsuccessfully attempted to miracle another train up, causing even more delay and destruction, when the bottom of your shoe fell off in a puddle and Aziraphale got so upset that he cried for an hour, (to be fair, he’d had a long day; someone had tried to buy a book from the shop which had displeased him greatly) and when a seagull crapped on your shoulder while you were sitting outside a bar at Canary Wharf and the angel managed to manifest a fluke bolt of lightning which struck the seagull down right into your food.

And all this from the comfort of his own home.

Crowley had tried to tell the angel that not every inconvenience could be sorted out, that the pair needed to pick their battles with the perils of the human life.

‘Yes yes, I understand. I’ll stop, I promise. We’ll stick to the original plan. Now have you seen my banana bread recipe? I think they could do with a pep up.’

This lasted for 22 hours.

You hadn’t shown up to the bookshop like you did every week.

‘Oh Angel do stop pacing, they have a life of their own you know,’ Crowley nagged, holding a bottle of red wine in one hand as he stood in the doorway between the main shop and the back room.

‘Something is wrong, Crowley. I have a dreadfully funny feeling,’ Aziraphale insisted, wringing his hands and pacing at twice the average speed of an angel.

‘Right, yes, okay but the problem is, you’ve said that every night for two weeks and it hasn’t been true once.’

‘You can’t sense it like I can.’ The angel stormed towards the coat stand, reaching for his coat.

‘Oh no no no, we agreed, no suffocation. Put that down, you’re not going anywhere,’ the demon asserted.

‘Oh yes we are. Put that wine in the back, you’re driving.’

Crowley had rarely heard Aziraphale’s voice like this before, low and extremely demanding. There wasn’t any way he was getting out of this, the angel was on a mission.

-

And so, Crowley drove the angel to your apartment block and the two of them ended up in the stairwell facing off with each other. Too highly strung for their own good.

‘What if this is the one time that I’m right? You’re here getting all… demonic on the stairs and-‘

‘I will get demonic, Aziraphale. I am in fact a demon, plus if this is the one time that you’re right then you’re holding both us back by squabbling. Move out of the way.’

Crowley marched up the stairs stony faced, swooping straight past Aziraphale to your front door.

He did care. He really did. He just didn’t like to show it around Aziraphale because he always felt inferior in they way that he cared compared to the angel. He didn’t have those massively intuitive senses, his baking skills weren’t up to scratch, he felt held back by control. But something in the demonic form burned when he thought of the idea that you were hurting- and that burning was made more painful by Aziraphale’s suggestion that he didn’t care.

He snapped his fingers at your door, and it violently swung open, hitting against the wall of the hallway as it did. He stormed inside, barely letting Aziraphale follow behind before he snapped his fingers again to close it. Darkness and silence fell over the hallway as the angel and the demon stood completely still, their anxious breathing slowly filling the space.

They could both easily sense one important thing- you were present in the apartment, you were safe within the four walls. There was a collective sigh of relief.

‘Told you,’ Crowley sneered under his breath, trying to hide his still present anxiety. As much as he could feel your presence, he was struggling with any of the finer details, your emotional state or your exact whereabouts.

‘Don’t be like that. I was only trying to help,’ Aziraphale whimpered, taking a small step forwards. Unlike Crowley, he could just about tell that you were somewhere in the general direction of your bedroom. The angel clicked his fingers and uttered a small ‘let there be light’, allowing the hallway to be illuminated by a faint white glow. There was no other light coming from anywhere due to a distinct lack of windows in the architecture of this building, the only three were in your living room, your bedroom and your kitchen and even then, you’d shut all of the curtains and all of the doors in the place.

The angel padded further down the hallway, leaving Crowley to look at the prints on your walls like an awkward cousin at a party. By the time Aziraphale had reached your bedroom door, Crowley had moved onto examining the items on the coffee table that was slightly further down the hall. There wasn’t a lot to examine, a couple of books, your keys, an Alexa that you’d turned the microphone off on. The one thing that caught Crowley’s eye was a small painting of a seaside town just laying down on the table. It wasn’t anywhere near being finished and much to Crowley’s dismay, it was crumpled up. He assumed two scenarios from this, either someone had given you an unfinished painting and you felt so strongly about it that you took to crumpling it up, or this was in fact your handy work that had been partially destroyed.

‘Crowley, what now?’ Aziraphale whispered from the end of the corridor, bringing Crowley’s gaze up from the table and back to reality.

‘Uhhh, don’t scare them. Don’t just burst in,’ the demon responded, moving down to meet Aziraphale by the bedroom.

‘I wasn’t planning on doing that! I just mean, do I knock? Just go in? Announce our arrival?’

Crowley rested his hand lightly on your bedroom door, looking quizzically at Aziraphale who was jumping through every possible scenario in his head. The demon sighed.

‘Just, shush. Okay, let’s just be quiet. Follow me, angel.’

Crowley very slowly pushed your bedroom door open, being greeted with yet more darkness from inside as he did so. Aziraphale hung over his shoulder to try and look inside, with Crowley grunting slightly at this. Through the darkness, Crowley made out a shape in the bed.

You, curled into a ball and fast asleep. Your breathing was heavy, but not laboured, and the bedsheets rose and fell accordingly. You were as close to comatose as could possibly be, dead to the world but luckily, very much alive.

‘Aaah. Oh, look,’ whispered Aziraphale. Crowley glared slightly at the angel, but inside, his sentiments were very similar. The pair stared at your form resting in the darkness for a few seconds, relieved with every breath that you took. With anyone else? It would have been creepy.

But not with these two. It was a deep devotion and concern.

Aziraphale went to take a step forwards but Crowley stopped him in his tracks, stopping the angel from getting anywhere near you.

‘Don’t even think about waking them, look. They’re deep in dreamland,’ the demon hissed, meeting Aziraphale’s puppy eyes.

‘Oh please, I just wanted to check that they’re okay.’

‘Aziraphale, they’re very clearly shattered. I think that we’ve discovered that they’re definitely not okay, but interrupting their sleep won’t help anyone. Let’s just, y’know, help where we can.’

‘But their soul-‘

‘I know. We’ll help with that tomorrow. For today, they sleep.’

Aziraphale eventually backed off slightly, looking down while nodding in defeat. While his deep concern could only ever have come from a place of love, he realised that stepping back for a second could be beneficial to everyone. He started to head towards the kitchen to see if there was anything that he could help with in there, turning back round for a second to ask Crowley what he should do. Crowley however was no longer stood in your doorway, and was instead sat on the edge of your bed, resting his hand on your leg.

The angel went to protest in some jealousy for a moment, but the warm glow that filled up his heart because of the sight stopped him. He just smiled, and turned back.

—

Between the pair of them, you were treated to a clean kitchen, a full fridge, a massive fuzzy blanket for the bed and soft, warm light for each room.

But there was one final detail bugging Crowley.

As the pair crept down your hallway back to the front door, Crowley let out a soft whistle to his friend as he stopped beside the coffee table. The angel turned his head, looking at the objects scattered about the surface.

‘What’s this?’ He asked, strangely intrigued by the small speaker- like object.

‘It’s an Alexa, it’s like a - y’know what, doesn’t matter. That’s not what I need you for. Look at this.’ Crowley picked up the ruined painting that he’d spotted earlier, showing it to Aziraphale. The angel scanned over it.

‘Ooh, its Whitby, the place with Dracula!’ He half gasped half squealed, failing to see what his friend was seeing.

‘It’s fucked is what it is, angel. I think they’ve crumpled it up in frustration or something, which I’m not exactly thrilled with. I’m out of niceness for today, can you do something?’ Crowley sighed, thrusting the painting towards his friend slightly.

‘Oh, easily. Your wish is my command, dear.’

Aziraphale swiped his hand across the paper and watched as the creases disappeared and the smudges eased. The colours got just a little brighter, and the beauty of your half- finished painting was restored.

‘We’ll help them finish it tomorrow, yes Crowley?’ The angel continued. Crowley gave a small smile with all the good energy that he had left in his body.

‘Yes angel. That would be nice.’

[thisisgonnafuxkinkillme]

Pro Heros Find You Crying

Warnings: tw for body image, mentions of death of pets

Yagi Toshinori/All Might

You were home, alone, when you found out. It wasn’t a particularly big issue, and it wasn’t something that someone else would necessarily care about, but to you, this was the final straw. 

An actor from your childhood, someone who you watched constantly as a child, someone who, albeit from a screen, saw you grow up, passed away. You never got to even meet him in person. The closest you’ve ever gotten was him noticing your comment on a livestream of 12 other people, and smiling.

You never got to thank him. For everything he’d done for you. 

Tears fell from your eyes uncontrollably, dripping from your eyelashes and dropping onto the floor, your clothes, the keyboard. 

Soon, though, you felt dreaded sobs making their way from your core all the way through your vocal cords. They shook your body like an earthquake. Sobs don’t care what they break inside you. They just need to get out.

What no one else would understand about this, though, was that your tears weren’t just being spilled for the actor you never got to thank. No, these represent so much more.

Your childhood is officially gone.

Just as that actor will be grieved, buried, and will rot in the ground with dusty fake flowers above his grave, your childhood will be filled with maggots and worms.

The thing about childhoods, though, is that they still live inside you, even when they’re over.

You always found this fact a cruel one. Even now, you could feel the worms burrowing into your childhood, eating away and destroying all the memories you’ve tried so hard to keep in tact for all these years. 

You sobbed for him, yes. But you were still grieving your loss as well.

Cold, bony fingers met your shoulder. You jumped, yelping at the sudden touch.

“What?! What do you want?!” you screamed. You aren’t usually this ornery, but the embarrasment of being this upset over something so menial, plus the shock of someone else being home with you, caused you to snap.

"What happened?" He gently asked. He met your seemingly angry tone with nothing but pure kindness and sympathy.

"I-I'm so sorry, Toshi...I didn't mean-"

"I know, pumpkin. I know."

He took you in his arms, pulling you towards him.

In between sobs, you explained what happened.

"oh...I see... That does sound like a lot for you to be dealing with."

He stroked your tear stained cheek.

“But...I hope you know that just because you’re older, it doesn’t mean that you’re not allowed to be a kid sometimes. You can still get excited over stuff, and cry over things that seem silly, and have wonder about new things. As long as you keep a piece of your childhood with you, you never have to say goodbye.”

Once you calmed down, he took you out for ice cream: something you haven’t done since you were barely 10 years old. 

Aizawa Shouta/Eraserhead

You quickly clicked your heels into the staff restroom, closing the door behind you and shakily letting out a sigh of relief. You knew you didn’t have much time left before the tears started coming once you got that text, so you decided it’d be best for you to go ahead and have another teacher deal with your class for a few minutes while you let yourself deal with this, alone.

You re-read the text one more time. Maybe it wasn’t what you thought it was.

Y/n... I’m so sorry, but your dog was put to sleep today. 

You shook your head. No, maybe she meant to say that he was taking a nap. Maybe he was still waiting for you, at home, in his little bed...

A sob escaped before you had the chance to control it as you pictured his little black and white face peacefully sleeping on his doggie bed. 

You had that dog for years. He’d been there for you when no one else had, and though he couldn’t speak, you always knew he silently understood what you needed when you needed it.

Now, he was gone.

You covered your mouth, trying your best to supress the sounds of sorrow escaping your lips. Maybe, you thought, if I don’t acknowledge it, it’s not real.

But deep down, you know that’s not true. 

The door to the staff bathroom begins to creak open. 

“Hey, someone’s in here!” you croak out, the tears were even audible in your voice.

“Yeah, and now I’m in here too,” the teacher replied, shutting and locking the door behind him. Something you had forgotten to do.

It was Aizawa, the very teacher you had just asked to watch your students ‘for a moment’.

Before you could ask about them, he mentioned, “They’re fine. I put on a movie for em... but you, on the other hand, are certainly not.”

He took his place next to you on the dirty tile floor of the school restroom, against one wall. He handed you a tissue, noting but not mentioning the fact that you were a mess of tears, ruined makeup, and snot. You gladly accepted, blowing your nose.

Neither of you said much for a good five minutes. You forced yourself to calm down, as to not embarrass yourself in front of him, but the tears were still there, festering below the surface.

“So, what’s got you so upset?” 

That little question was all it took for you to break. You tried, unsuccessfully, to say it. The three little words, “My dog died,” but no matter how much you strained, all that came out was a mess of choked up sobs.

You shakily handed him your phone. His eyes darted to the text, and he instantly understood. 

Aizawa was not one for any physical touching, ever. Even though you had been dating him, he still never really enjoyed holding hands, hugging, or anything like that. 

Today, however, was a totally different situation. He turned to you, opening his arms wide, gesturing for you to ‘come here’.

But you didn’t need anything more. 

You did, and he silently cradled you, rubbing your hair. 

Truthfully, he didn’t know exactly what to say. What could you say? 

Once you began to calm down, he stroked your jaw lightly.

“What was his name?”

“...Theo.” you answered plainly. 

“You loved Theo a lot, didn’t you?” 

You nodded.

“You know, what’s so funny about losing a pet is that...it’s incredibly hard,” he sighed, “Even harder than losing humans.”

Aizawa continued, “It’s because we don’t have anything to gain from lying about loving them. We just do. Animals love their owners completely unconditionally, never needing any reassurance that you love them back a hundred times over. That’s not something that many humans have.”

You nodded.

“ I just hope you know that...you did your best for him. He couldn’t have ever asked for a better owner to share his life with. You did good, y/n,” he whispered. You shot him a shaky smile. Really, your heart was aching more now than ever. 

“You don’t have to do all that. I know you’re not doing well, still. Please, go ahead and go home for the day. I can take on your class, no problem,” he assured.

“...can you...come over after work?” you asked. He nodded.

Taishiro Toyomitsu/Fatgum

It’s been almost a year since this pandemic began. You wonder to yourself, how long can that be an excuse for you? 

You had gained weight. A lot of it. You suffer from secret binge eating, indulging yourself greedily in all your favorite comfort foods. Usually, you did this at night, which worked out even better for you, since your boyfriend usually had night watch and was not at home. 

Stretch marks were always a normal sight for you, ever since you hit puberty, but the ones on your stomach have started to move upwards, like vines trying to find the sun. They stared back at you in shades of purples, pinks, and browns. 

You ran your fingers over your now bumpy skin.

Other girls don’t look like this. Other girls are happy with a miniature bowl of oatmeal for breakfast, a granola bar for lunch, and maybe a tiny serving of pasta for dinner. They are the beautiful ones. They must be happy, right?

Your fingers unrelentlessly pinch and pull at your stomach, your thighs, your love handles. All fat.

Each tiny action reminded your body that you hated it. 

Did you even ever love your body? Even when you were ‘skinny’? 

Your eyes met with your face, staring back at you in your mirror. You saw flashes of the girl you once were, tiny memories of a once happy girl.

You couldn’t hold back the wail of grief that racked your whole body. You turned away from the mirror, curling up on your floor. 

That wasn’t any better.

The remanants of last night’s binge surrounded you. Wrappers from your favorite ice cream bar, discarded chip bags, and candy containers scattered your floor.

You suddenly remembered that he’d be home soon, and scrambled to collect all the evidence through your blurry eyes.

Each piece of trash reminded you of your failure, your lack of self control. Your uselessness.

You sobbed harder. 

“Y/n, darling, I’m home!” that peppy, familiar voice announced from the entranceway. You took a deep breath, scooting all the trash under your bed and wiping your face.

You greeted him, a faux smile plastered on your face.

He began to speak, but when he got a good look at you, he paused.

“What happened here, sweetie?” he asked, touching your face. His hand was chilled from the outside air.

“N-nothing. I’m fine,” you lied, forcing the smile a little more.

He squinted his eyes, sitting down at the kitchen table. 

“Go ahead an’ tell me what’s going on with ya,” he offered, patting one knee.

“Baby, it’s nothing. You need to go to bed, I know you’re probably exhausted.”

“The only thing exhausting me right now is you. I’ll go to the bedroom if that’s whatcha want, but I’m not goin to bed until you tell me what’s wrong.” 

Fatgum made his way into the bedroom, quickly slipping into his house clothes before sliding into the bed you both shared.

Before you could join him, he paused, adjusting himself.

He then pulled out a popsicle stick that you neglected to remove from the bed when you made it this morning. At the sight of it, you turned away from him and covered your face.

He was now wholly confused, but ready to deal with whatever it was that was upsetting you. He reached out, pulling you to him. You wanted to protest, but you couldn’t find the strength to anymore.

He rubbed your back in small circles, cooing, “let it out, babydoll...that’s it, good...”

Once you had calmed down quite a bit, he tilted your chin up towards his face, making you make eye contact.

“What have you been hiding from me, love?” he delicately questioned.

You said nothing, but slid out the pile of trash from the night before.

“This...is from last night,” you stated plainly.

You tensed your body, ready for the ridicule, the mocking, the ‘i’m just concerned for your health’ comments. 

You looked up, to see if he could actually see what you’d just shown him. He did. His eyes were dewy yet understanding.

He stood up, placing his arm around you and pulling you towards him.

“I understand,” he whispered into your ear. You clenched your fist.

“No. You can’t understand.” 

You looked up at him, with now angered eyes.

“You’ll never understand, Tai. Never.”

“What do you-”

“YOU DON’T HAVE TO STAY FAT FOREVER! I DO!” you screeched, covering your face. You never yelled at him before, or anyone else for that matter. But this issue you’ve been dealing with was one that no one ever saw from you. It was a raw, bleeding subject, one that you felt as if you’ve just poured a great deal of salt on.

“Darling...” he whispered, pulling you close to him, “What’s wrong with being fat, honey?” 

“Are you kidding?” you spat, “I don’t look good like this, Tai. I don’t fit into my clothes anymore, I-”

“Number one, you most certainly do look good like anything. Number two, I will buy you new clothes.”

You were starting to get frustrated.

“Tai! I’m telling you, I fucking hate myself, okay? I hate my body! And, sometimes, I hate you for pretending to love something that I know you hate, too!”

He pulled you away from him, looking you in the eye. He was serious now.

“Don’t you be puttin words in my mouth. I have never ever, not even once thought about hating you or your body,”

“That’s a lie, Tai! How could you ever love me when I look like this?”

“How could you ever love me when I look like this?” he retorted, gesturing to his fat form. 

You gasped. You didn’t really have an answer.

He knew you wouldn’t, either.

“So, now tell me, y/n... what’s so wrong about being fat?”

You clung to him, apologizing in between sobs.

He hushed you, cooing,” There’s nothing for you to be sorry about, it’s okay. I love you, sweetie.”

You sniffed, “I love you, too.”

[vampiregirl1797]

Love Blossoms

Aaron Hotchner x Female Reader

GIF Not Mine.

Click Here To Find My Masterlist.

Warnings: mentions of murderers, panic attack, some light smut near the end, otherwise FLUFF and Aaron allowing himself to be less serious and more happy around Y/N.

Word Count: 15,065– It’s a big ole one.

Summary: A collection of moments between Aaron and Y/N, documenting the journey they took to come together.

When I had started working at the BAU, it had been just after Agent Greenway transferred to another unit. I had no idea why she’d made the decision, but I sensed it was better not to ask, due to the tense behaviour that appeared the few times her name had come up in conversation. It took a while for the team to warm up to me, but even then they were still polite and professional. But for a good six weeks, I felt a little... left out, which sounded almost juvenile, but it was the truth. It didn’t take an expert in behaviour to notice that the BAU team were like a family, and after just losing a member made it easy to understand their hesitance in letting me into the fold. 

I don’t know what made the decision for them, but it seemed that my relationship with each and every one of them went from polite and professional to open, honest and familial overnight. But I wasn’t going to complain, they were the most wonderful people I’d ever met and I was grateful for being accepted into their little family. There was only one problem, and that was Aaron Hotchner. The man was incredibly stern-faced, hardly ever smiled and he led the team like a drill Sargent. He had the most expressive eyes I’d ever seen, when he was actually willing to let his guard down for people to read them, he cared deeply, deeper than anyone would ever think, and I swear to god he knew about the crush I’d had on him since the moment I’d been introduced by Strauss on my first day at the BAU. That had been almost a year ago now, and my feelings had flourished, the flowers blossoming, the roots digging deep inside me to a point that extraction would cause me immense physical pain. I was in love with my boss, and I was certain he knew. How could he not? He was the unit chief of a team of profilers for goodness sake. And after we’d all witnessed JJ unsuccessfully hide her relationship with Will from us, well let’s just say I wouldn't be surprised if the whole team knew too. But I tried not to give it too much thought, after all Hotch was married and he was my boss. It wasn’t like I could do anything about it if I wanted to.

I needed to get over it, that much was clear. Which was why I was open to accepting Garcia’s offer to set me up on a blind date with one of her gamer friends. It could be good, couldn’t it?

//

‘Garcia, I swear I’m never letting you set me up on a date again!’ I complained, waving my hands around in my frustration, but somehow managing not to spill a drop of the coffee in my right hand.

‘Come on, Y/N! Randell is a catch!’ Garcia argued, linking her arm through my left in an attempt to calm my erratic movements.

‘A catch? Honey, there’s a reason they say you should never trust people you meet on the internet!’ I quirked my brow, lightly elbowing her when I noticed the smile she was trying to hold back as we stepped into he conference room, ‘you knew he was a creep!’

‘No I didn’t, I swear. Seriously though, what happened?’ She asked as we took our seats at the round table— we were the first to arrive for the briefing. 

‘He was only capable of talking about sex, which was ironic because he kept flinching and crossing his legs every time I so much as reached for my wine.’ I rolled my eyes, sighing, ‘not to be overly negative but that guy wouldn’t have lasted thirty seconds if I’d taken him up on his offer.’

‘I’m sorry.’ She winced, her expression softening with sympathy.

‘Oh, I’m only getting started, he kept degrading me.’ I took a sip of my coffee to get my anger under control, ‘saying things like: “I’ll bet a girl like you likes it real hard and rough, huh? I’ll bet you’re a dirty little slut.” And then he proceeded to ask me to call him “Daddy” so I threw his wine in his face and left.’

‘His wine?’ Pen frowned, and I didn’t notice the way she glanced over my shoulder and took a sip of her own hot beverage to hide her smile.

‘I’d already drunk mine.’ I shrugged, my smile becoming a full grin when Penny started to laugh.

‘Well I’m sorry that he was a jerk, Y/N.’ Garcia said, her voice sincere once she’d recovered from the humour of my story, ‘he may or may not find a hardware wiping virus on his computer at some point today as a punishment.’

That startled a laugh out of me, and she chuckled with me too, my hand squeezing hers briefly in gratitude before releasing her. 

‘Don’t worry about it, it’s my own fault really.’ I bit my lip, knowing that she could have put the perfect guy in front of me last night and I still would have found him to be lacking in some way. Because he wouldn’t have been him. I shook that errant thought away before it could show on my face.

‘We’ll find someone for you, Y/N.’ She patted my arm and lowered her voice as the rest of the team joined us, ‘or at the very least someone for you to blow off some steam with.’ She winked.

Her sudden suggestiveness took me off guard, so much so that if it hadn’t been for me raising my cup back to my mouth in time, there would have been coffee all over the round table, and a few agents sitting around it. I gave her a look that was a mixture of annoyance and mirth, but she only winked again as I wiped my mouth free of the excess beverage that had spilled onto my chin.

‘Are you gonna share what you’re talking about over there, Baby girl?’ Derek asked, a smirk painted on his lips as his eyes flittered in between the both of us.

Garcia and I shared a look that was full of mischief and mayhem— the usual concoction that resulted in us being together. Pen leaned forward and opened her mouth to say something that was going to be incredibly suggestive and most likely inappropriate, but as if he sensed a verbal war he wouldn’t be able to stop unless he got ahead of it, Hotch bought the conversation to a stop.

‘We’re going to Louisiana. They need our help with an unsub who’s mutilating women aged 25-30.’ He started, his authoritative tone garnering the teams attention immediately— I personally felt incapable of not paying attention when he spoke, he was so... captivating. 

I felt myself subconsciously crossing my legs together, a vain attempt to quell the ache that started to form whenever I lost myself in his dominant personality. I pulled my eyes from him with great effort, and focused on the file in front of me, but it was for nought as my mind ran wild. Generally alpha personalities guaranteed a handful of the same qualities: arrogance, narcissism, dominance to a point of control and over confidence. I’d met, and even dated, more than my fair share of men with those same characteristics. But Aaron was different, and up until I’d met him I had no idea there was another kind of alpha male. He wasn’t arrogant, he was most certainly intelligent and confident within himself, but not to the point of parading his greatness in front of anyone and everyone in an attempt to boost his ego. He was quietly confident, but still willing to listen to others, still willing to accept blame if he ever did something wrong. He was about as far from a narcissist as you could get— getting him to talk about himself for more than a few sentences was taxing, he was much more comfortable and happy with the topic of conversation being on anyone but him. And as for being dominant... he most certainly gave of an aura of authority that you couldn’t help but notice or pay attention to, but rather than be flippantly commanding like the other alpha males I’d known, he always took other’s feelings into account. In other words— he’d never make you go through with something he could tell you wouldn't be comfortable with. Without meaning to, I couldn’t help but think Aaron Hotchner would most definitely be dominant in the bedroom— but I had a feeling it would be tailored to whoever he was with. He was a caring dominant personality, I was sure of it, he was the type of alpha personality to get off on getting his bed partner off, to care about fulfilling her fantasies and desires. The type to care about keeping his partner safe, to care for them physically, mentally and emotionally. 

Hayley was a lucky woman.

I shook myself out of my thoughts with a sigh, actually taking in the details of the case in front of me and hearing Reid reel off the square footage of Louisiana. 

‘Seeing as we already have three victims I’ll get started in a geographical profile when we arrive.’ Spencer finished, offering Hotch a small smile as he offered an approving nod.

‘Very good. Wheels up in ten, if this unsub follows the same pattern, he’s about to kidnap his next victim. Time is of the essence.’ Hotch said, I didn’t notice him frown when I didn’t catch his eye before leaving the room like I usually did— I just couldn’t bring myself to look at him just yet given how my thoughts had wondered off. 

I needed to get my reactions around him under control, because this was getting ridiculous.

//

‘He has to be finding the girls at this club, following them home, and kidnapping them before they get their keys in the door.’ Morgan said, running a hand over his head as an exhausted sigh escaped him.

I leaned next to him on the table, my arm knocking against his as a silent offer of comfort, he nudged me back and smiled with gratitude.

‘I think our best bet is sending someone undercover.’ One of the cops at the Louisiana station proposed, and not for the first time. 

At first he’d been dismissed because when we’d arrived, there had already been another woman reported missing, and we knew he kept them for a minimum of three days before disposing of them. So it would have been pointless to send someone out to seduce him when he already had someone to keep him busy. Her body had been found this morning and the friend who’d been with her had confirmed they’d been at the same club as the others the night she’d gone missing. We had no idea who he was, or how to find him, but we knew where he was going to be, now we had to lay the bait, but who was it going to be?

‘It’s not a bad idea.’ Prentiss said, looking over to Hotch, knowing that nothing would go ahead without his approval.

‘We’d need a woman who fits his type.’ Spencer pointed out, looking over to me.

‘Why are you looking at me, Doc?’ I raised a brow, frowning when I noticed everyone’s eyes on me, all except one pair.

‘Y/N, would you be comfortable with going undercover?’ He asked, his brown eyes meeting mine directly for the first time that day.

I felt my heart beat pick up in my chest as I answered, ‘of course.��� 

His eyes remained on mine for a few more moments, holding me captive while he studied my expression to determine if I meant what I’d said, or if I was simply agreeing because I felt I had to. What felt like hours later, he looked away, and I felt like I could breathe again as I lifted my coffee cup to my lips to hide my shallow breaths as I worked to return my heart rate to normal. 

‘JJ and I will go with her, all the other victims were in groups, it would be suspicious if she was on her own.’ Prentiss murmured, her words somehow still sounding like a question even though she hadn’t worded it as one.

‘Fine.’ Hotch nodded, sweeping out of the room and leaving the team to prepare for what was most definitely going to be a long night.

//

‘I look ridiculous.’ I complained, not for the first time but I couldn't help it— I had never wore such revealing clothes and I felt exposed and stupid.

‘No, you look like a knock out, trust us we know what we’re doing.’ JJ said, her voice gentle and patient— I assumed she could see the discomfort in my eyes.

‘Don’t forget, we need to attract the unsub’s attention, and all of his victims so far have been party girls so we need to appeal to his type.’ Prentiss reminded me and I sighed, closed my eyes and resigned myself to my fate.

This isn’t about me. This is about stopping a psychopath and preventing anymore women dying.

‘Okay, thank you both.’ I offered them a shaky smile as I stood, trying to walk in the heels they’d dressed me in. It took a few minutes of pacing, but I got it.

Before I knew it, we were heading to the club the victims were last seen in, JJ and Prentiss linking both of my arms, and a deceivingly bright smile plastered on my lips. This was going to be hell. But I sucked it up and headed over to the bar, signalling for three drinks that were most likely going to be nursed for as long as possible. I was waiting for my drinks to be prepared when I felt a presence behind me. I attempted to ignore it until I felt a hand on my waist, the feeling sending a shiver of dread up my spine. I looked up into the darkest eyes I’d ever seen, and I didn’t just mean in colour, though they were a dark brown, but there was no emotion behind his iris’. They were completely void of any emotion aside from a sadistic shimmer that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. This was the unsub, I was sure of it.

‘What might your name be?’ He asked, his hand moving back and forth on my waist.

I knew from the profile that this man’s ego led him to kill when he was rejected by the women he sought out, so I took great pleasure in twisting his arm behind his back.

‘My name is none of your business.’ I sneered, gathering up the drinks and carrying them over to the table the three of us commandeered in the corner.

‘We saw you had company.’ Emily commented, her tone light but her eyes held a seriousness to it that hinted at what she was really asking.

‘That’s him. I’m sure of it.’ I said, relaying what had happened to them, and the rest of the team on the comms. 

‘Give it thirty minutes, then leave. Remember, you’re leaving separately. Y/N first and we’ll see if he follows you.’ Hotch murmured, his voice a quiet, seductive tone in my ear. 

I took a deep breath and pushed away the cocktail in front of me— anymore alcohol and I would end up revealing more than I wanted. I knew from experience that I was a chatty drunk, and incapable of keeping any secrets to myself. 

‘Got it.’ JJ answered for all of us and we lapsed into casual conversation for the next half hour.

Despite my intentions not to, half of my drink was gone before I’d even realised I was drinking it, but by that point I couldn’t remember why alcohol wasn’t a great idea.

‘So what happened with that asshole Garcia set you up with anyway?’ Emily asked, sipping her own cocktail.

I snorted, ‘he was awful, honestly. Wouldn’t talk about anything but sex, but every time I reached for my drink he flinched and kept shifting in his seat.’

‘No stamina there then.’ JJ snorted and Em and I nodded in agreement.

‘Honestly I’m just so sick of it.’ I rolled my eyes, swirling my drink around with my straw, ‘I can’t remember the last time I had satisfying sex.’

JJ snorted into her drink and Emily loudly agreed with me.

‘Tell me about it! The ones who are loud and proud about being able to get a woman off have—.’ Em started but I cut her off, happy someone knew what I meant.

‘NO IDEA WHAT THEY’RE DOING!’ I held my hand out for a high five, and sober I would have never considered high-fiving over something like this, but drunk me thought it was a great idea and apparently Emily agreed as she slapped her palm against mine eagerly.

‘Well, lucky for me I got one of the good ones.’ JJ smirked, flashing her wedding rings.

‘Lucky bitch,’ I gave her a mock glare that had her winking at me.

‘Seriously, you don’t know how lucky you are. Good guys are so unique and rare.’ Emily sighed, ‘I went on a date last month with a guy who spent the whole night talking to my breasts and when he was clawing at me when he dropped me back off at my place, I ended up kneeing him in the crotch.’

‘Men our age suck.’ I squeezed her hand in agreement, ‘most of them only care about getting themselves off, some to the point of aggression if you try and push them off when you’re not enjoying it.’

‘Amen.’ Emily cheered.

‘Do they know we can still hear them?’ Spence’s voice over the comms had us all breaking into laughter.

‘Sorry Spence.’ JJ apologised, wiping the moisture from her eyes.

‘No don’t apologise!’ I shook my head, holding up my hand to stop them from commenting, ‘he’s right, it’s sexist to exclude him from the conversation, do you have anything to add, Doc?’

I could practically hear him blushing from inside the club as he floundered for a moment, and someone— probably Derek— chuckled. 

‘I know that in 2015, only 6 percent of women said that they always had an orgasm during penile-vaginal intercourse, 40 percent said they had an orgasm nearly always, 16 percent of women had an orgasm half the time, and 38 percent had one infrequently.’ Spencer reeled off, always eager to share information he’d absorbed.

‘Thank you, Spencer for proving my point.’ I smiled, finishing my drink, ‘you’re herby invited to the next girls night.’

Emily and JJ cheered, our glasses clinking together as they finished their drinks too, signalling for two more.

‘Thanks,’ Reid mumbled, actually sounding quite touched at the invitation.

I cleared my throat and stood, careful to keep the nerves now bubbling in my gut off my expression.

‘Well ladies, this has been fun, but I have to go.’ I pretended to pout, winking when they groaned in disappointment, ‘sorry, I have an early day tomorrow. Goodnight, I love you both.’

I hugged them before I departed, and both murmured a “be careful” into my ear before I left them. As I walked out of the club and headed for my car, I couldn't help but put my phone to my ear to talk to the others— the further away I got, the quieter I became and the more nervous I was.

‘Hey, this is unexpected, it’s so nice to hear from you!’ I greeted brightly, being careful to keep my eyes trained forward—if he thought I was on to him I might scare him off.

‘You’re doing great, sweetness.’ Derek murmured, his voice calm and comforting, though it didn’t dissipate my nerves completely.

‘That’s amazing, congratulations. I’ll bet your fiancée is so proud of you!’ I gushed, unlocking the rental car they’d commandeered for me and sliding inside, tossing my phone into my purse and placing it onto the passenger seat and putting on my seatbelt. 

‘Just a little further, Y/N.’ Hotch’s voice soothed my anxiety like a balm and I felt my white knuckle grip ease a little from the steering wheel as I settled into the drivers set, suddenly more at ease.

‘Thank you.’ I murmured, hoping he didn’t hear how breathy my voice sounded as I headed for the address that had been pre-programmed into the GPS. 

I drove in comfortable silence, knowing the team was on the comms offering me a sense of security. I was about five minutes from arriving when a cop car lit up behind me, wanting me to pull over.

‘Uhhh... did we clear the Louisiana police?’ I asked, not pulling over just yet.

‘Why?’ Hotch asked, his voice urgent.

‘Because someone is trying to pull me over now. What if that’s how he got them? Coming to the club in his cruiser and following them to pull them over when they were on their way home?’ I suggested, trying not to panic as my heart suddenly felt like it was beating in my throat. It made sense, and I might have recognised him had I been paying more attention to the cops around the station. It made me wonder if he knew me, but then again I’d barely been at the precinct the past few days, Hotch had me on activities that led to me being outside the station.

‘Y/N, listen to me do not pull over. Garcia just checked with Louisiana police department and there aren’t supposed to be any cars in patrol in that area.’ Hotch ordered, and I wondered if I imagined the tremor of concern in his voice as I sped up a little.

‘If I don’t pull over then we won’t have anything on him, remember? We have no way to tie him to the women he killed, and if he’s a cop that makes sense. If he doesn’t take me, he’ll try to take someone else, someone who doesn’t have an FBI team and SWAT to back her up.’ I argued, but I didn’t like it anymore than he did.

He didn’t respond for a long time and my heart beat became so loud that it was ringing in my ears. I almost didn’t hear Hotch when he responded.

‘Give it one minute and then pull over, I’m redirecting SWAT to your location and we’ll be there as fast as we can. Keep him talking, Y/N and don’t hang up the phone.’ He murmured, his voice dripping with so much authority that it made the hairs on my arms stand up.

‘Yes sir.’ I answered, watching the clock on my dashboard and pulling over exactly one minute later. 

I put a bright smile on my face as the same man from the bar came up to my window, signalling for me to wind it down. I lowered it an inch. His smile was dark and I had to physically hold myself back from flinching.

‘Hello there darlin,’ he greeted, his attempt to be charming having the opposite effect, ‘I didn’t just see you come out of that club back there, did I?’

I pursed my lips, deliberating on whether to lie or not, I knew he’d find a way to get me out of the car either way, but I needed to buy myself some time.

‘You did, officer.’ I admitted, biting my lip in what I hoped was an enticing way, ‘but I only drank water.’

‘You wouldn’t mind proving that, would you?’ His hands rested on his hips as he pushed his chest out, attempting to emphasise his brawny shoulders, but he just looked like he was pecking like a chicken.

‘Prove it how?’ I attempted ignorance.

‘Take a breathalyser test for me, if you’re under the limit, I’ll send you on your way.’ He winked, his eyes glinting dangerously at the prospect of what he could do to me as soon as I stepped out of the car.

‘How long would that take, exactly?’ I asked, but I wasn’t talking to him.

‘We’re two minutes out, Y/N.’ Derek promised.

‘No more than five minutes.’ The man promised and with a sigh, I climbed out of the safety of my car, slamming the door shut loud enough to be heard over the comms.

‘Okay then.’ My words ended in a scream, because even though I was hyper aware of every move he made, the fucker was fast and had stabbed a needle into my arm before I could so much as attempt to defend myself.

‘What did you just—what did you—what’s happening?’ I groaned, my voice consumed with panic as I started to lose feeling in my limps. He caught me under the arms when I fell forward and laid me on the back of his cop car. 

‘You and me are going to have so much fun, not that you deserve it, you uptight bitch.’ He snarled, his hand wrapping around my throat and squeezing just enough to make me aware how easy it would be for him to kill me then and there.

‘No,’ My eyes were wet with tears as I felt his hand roaming across my chest, ‘stop.’

He grinned, his eyes reflecting how much pleasure he was taking from this, and he watched my expression as his hand started drifting lower and lower...

I gasped in relief when he was roughly pulled off me. I couldn’t lift my head, but I heard the thump as he was pinned to the car and cuffed, most likely by Derek. 

‘I can’t m-move.’ I said, worried that my voice would be to low to hear as even talking was taxing and took maximum effort.

‘Y/N,’ Hotch’s voice wrapped around me like a warm blanket. I noted the relief in his voice as his hands wrapped around my waist and lifted me into sitting position.

‘I can’t move.’ I murmured, as if he didn't know that already, my forehead rested against his shoulder as my body slumped forward.

‘I know. You’re going to be okay, there’s an ambulance on the way,’ he reassured me, and I must have been on some heavy drugs because I could have sworn I felt him stroking my hair. 

‘Will you stay with me?’ I said, fear returning to my voice at the prospect of being in a cold, sterile hospital without a familiar, comforting face.

‘Of course I will.’ His warm breath against my ear would have made me shiver, had I been able to.

It was crazy how easily I slipped into unconsciousness with Aaron’s arms around me, holding me up and murmuring reassurances into my ear. His hand continually stroked over my hair, and I wondered if I fell asleep because of the drugs, or because Hotch had soothed me so well that I was powerless to stop it.

//

Months passed after the case in Louisiana, and nothing much changed, aside from Hotch announcing to the team that he and Hayley were getting a divorce. And I couldn’t muster up anything other than sadness for him, despite my nowhere near platonic feelings for him, I knew how much he loved her, how much it must have been killing him to be separated from her. So I tried to help in anyway I could, I took half his case files so he could go home sooner after cases and be able to spend a little time with his son before he was put to bed. I bought home cooked meals for him to take home, knowing he was less likely to take care of himself if he didn’t have a wife and son to cook for. And the whole team made an effort to get him to come out with us at least once a month. Usually I avoided the drinks on those particular outings, not knowing what my liquor fuelled brain might make me say to him, but tonight was one of the rare nights he said no, having promised Jack he would swing by and listen to his stories about his trip to the zoo. 

No one had been able to argue with that, and after we all went home to change— well JJ, Emily and I got ready at Penny’s place— we met up at our usual bar and started ordering the drinks. The conversation flowed with ease, and as the alcohol intake increased, the topics became more... private... between the girls anyway. Reid, Morgan and Rossi were having a separate conversation of their own about past cases by the sounds of it.

‘What’s your number?’ Pen asked.

‘My number? You have it in your phone!’ I frowned, genuinely confused over what she was asking.

‘Not your phone number, the number of people you’ve had sex with!’ Emily shoved my shoulder playfully, the other girls giggling when I flushed in embarrassment at the miscommunication.

‘Three.’ I held my fingers up for JJ, who was furthest away from me and possibly unable to hear due to the loud music.

‘26’ Emily said, winking and throwing back a shot of whiskey.

‘14’ JJ chirped.

‘11.’ Garcia admitted last.

‘Wow, I’m such a prude.’ I mumbled, taking my shot and throwing it back.

‘Nah, you’re young! At 25 my number was around the same as yours!’ Garcia assured me, downing her shot with a grimace. 

‘I’ll get the next round!’ I announced, standing from the table and trying not to fall on my face as I walked in the heels JJ insisted I wear. 

They were strappy platform heels and apparently they went perfectly with the flowing black skater dress I was wearing. It was a lacy material and I loved it because it was dressy but also comfortable. I reached the bar and ordered another round of the usual for our table, asking for it to be put on our tab. The bartender assured me he’d have my order ready in a few minutes and I’d just slid in a stool to wait when I felt someone groping my ass. 

I turned around so fast I almost gave myself whip lash, ‘hey, asshole what exactly do you think you’re doing?’ The first thing I noticed about him was the cockiness that seemed to seep from his every pore. His hair was a bleach blonde, his eyes a cold blue and his arrogant smile made my hand twitch.

‘Nothing sweetheart, pure accident I swear.’ He smirked, crossing his arms over his chest. I assumed he was trying to draw attention to his obviously athletic frame, but honestly I didn't think there was anything he could do to make himself attractive to me.

‘Hmm, see it doesn’t happen again.’ I warned, glaring at him, but his smile didn't waver, of course it didn't. This was the kind of man who saw women as property, as a plaything for him to do what he wanted with, whether they enjoyed it or not. To him, I was inferior because of my gender, and honestly there were few other things that boiled my blood like sexism.

He stepped closer, so close that I could smell the excessive amount of cologne he was wearing, it made my nose scrunch up in distaste that he refused to see, because as far as he was concerned he was god’s gift to women.

‘Back off.’ I said, preparing to defend myself if he laid a finger on me.

He laughed, but there was no humour in the sound. He opened his mouth to say something but it snapped shut again when he spied something over my shoulder. I studied his expression for a moment, and when I saw the genuine fear in his eyes I determined he wasn’t faking just to deter my attention. I was just about to turn to see for myself what was scaring him, I idly wondered if Rossi or Derek had seen the commotion and come to offer assistance, but before I could I was overwhelmed with a familiar scent. It was the woodsy cologne that I’d gifted him for Christmas, having found it and insisting that it smelled of Hotch. It smelled comforting, safe and strong. That was the scent that surrounded me, and I felt my eyes flutter shut for a second, overcome with the calm that came over me. When he wrapped an arm around my waist, I was sure my knees would have buckled if I hadn’t been close enough to grab onto the bar for support. I vaguely registered his deep, authoritative voice saying something to the arrogant blonde in front of us, but all I could think about was how warm he was and how good the heat felt seeping through my dress and onto my skin. So good.

‘Y/N?’ His voice bought me back, his tone soft with concern and a little humour.

‘Sorry, I was out of it for a moment there.’ I shook my head, knowing I should step out of his hold, but I couldn’t bring myself to.

‘Are you alright?’ He asked, his free hand twitched and I wondered if that was because he wanted to touch me with that one too.

‘I’m fine.’ My chin jutting in the direction the boy had been standing, ‘but for future reference, that is an example of the assholes men my age can be.’ I mused, signalling for one more beer for the new addition to the party.

‘Hopefully he’ll grow out of it.’ He said, his tone was dry and I found myself laughing with him as we headed back to the table.

‘What took you so long, sweetness? I’m dying of thirst here!’ Derek complained, chuckling when I rolled my eyes at his antics.

I placed the tray in the middle of the table and everyone helped themselves. I tried not to show how pleased I was that Aaron ended up sat next to me, his arm over the back of the booth and close enough to my shoulders that I could feel the heat radiating from him. As everyone drifted to their own conversations, I found myself falling back to talk to Hotch, his dark eyes focused on me and only me. That was the thing about him; he had this way about him, of making you feel like the only one in the room when he looked at you. I didn't know if he had this effect on everyone, or if it was just me, but either way it was overwhelming.

‘How was Jack’s trip to the zoo?’ I asked, shifting a little to face him better, and trying not to visibly show how my heartbeat quickened as my legs became pressed up against his.

‘He loved it and he’s already begging for his birthday party to be there.’ He chuckled, his brown eyes sparkling with the fondness he held for his son.

‘His birthday isn’t until October though, I’m sure he’ll change his mind a million times before then.’ I reminded him, smiling because I knew how wonderfully indecisive Jack could be, as all kids his age were. 

Hotch stared at me for a moment, and for all my BAU skills as a profiler, I couldn’t identify the soft emotion swirling around in his eyes. Before either of us could attempt to continue the conversation, Rossi commandeered Aaron’s attention for help in recalling details of a particular case. I leant back and just observed everyone, happy to be silent for a moment and enjoy the atmosphere and multiple conversations around me without actually participating. And if I was secretly happy that Hotch’s arm stated behind me on the back of the booth, well no one needed to know.

As the night wore on, people started to leave. First Reid, then JJ and Prentiss, then Derek and Penny, until it was Rossi, Hotch and me. But when the exhaustion started to seep in despite my buzz, I decided it were best if I went home too. 

‘I’m calling it guys.’ I announced, standing and stretching out my tired limbs before I grabbed my purse and jacket.

‘How are you getting home?’ Hotch asked, standing with me.

‘I’m gonna call an Uber.’ I said, reaching into my bag for my phone, but his hand on my wrist stopped me.

‘Let me drive you, I’m heading out now anyway and it’s on my way home.’ He murmured, his eyes boring into mine. I could see that he really wanted me to accept his offer, but I knew if I said no he’d drop it and let me go.

‘Okay, if you don’t mind.’ I smiled, much preferring to get a ride home with someone I knew and trusted rather than have to wait in the cold for a stranger to pick me up.

‘Do you need a ride, Dave?’ Hotch asked as he slid on his own jacket.

I missed Rossi’s knowing smile as he answered, ‘nah, I’ve been on water for the most of the night, I’m fine to drive.’

‘Okay, see you in a few days!’ I kissed his cheek and walked with Aaron out of the bar, wondering if I was imagining the warmth from his hand seeping through my dress into my lower back. 

He led me to his car, opened the passenger door for me and gently closed it before moving to the drivers side. I felt a smile form on my lips at the chivalrous act— I didn’t know people still did that anymore— and I was surprised at the butterflies that formed in my stomach from his actions. He turned the heat up as he drove, noticing the subtle way I was rubbing my upper arms in order to generate some warmth. I found myself falling asleep, which was surprising seeing as I had trouble falling asleep when I knew someone could see me. Call me crazy, but it was the truth. I didn’t realise just how close I was to being completely immersed into unconsciousness until we arrived at my apartment and Hotch murmured my name, softly, sweetly.

‘Hmm?’ I jolted awake, my cheek feeling like ice from where it had been resting against the window.

‘We’re here.’ He smiled, and if I’d been more awake, more focused, I would have noticed the fondness behind it. 

‘Thank you.’ I blinked, trying to wake myself up a little more, ‘love you.’ I said, stepping out of the car and into my apartment building, which was coincidentally the same building as Emily’s. I was on the eighth floor and she was on the third. 

It wasn’t until I was tucked up in bed, on the brink of falling asleep again that I realised what I’d said. To Hotch. To my boss. To the man I was secretly in love with. Suddenly completely awake, I sat up, my eyes wide with mortification. 

It’s fine, you tell the team you love them all the time, he wouldn’t have interpreted it any other way. He wouldn’t. I took a deep calming breath and lay back down again.

It would be fine. Right?

//

When we returned to work, I came in a little earlier, determined to catch Hotch alone and offer him the cookies I’d made for him and Jack as a thank you for the ride home he’d given me. I also wanted to clear the air, test for any awkwardness that might be lingering from my surprising declaration. I was still clinging onto the hope that he hadn’t seen it as anything more than me confessing platonic love. 

I placed my coat and bag onto my desk and continued on to Hotch’s office, expecting him to be here already. But I was surprised to find it empty. I frowned when I noticed his coat and briefcase weren’t here yet, meaning he wasn’t somewhere else in the building. With a disappointed sigh I placed the box of cookies on his desk and took a post it note and pen from one of his drawers and scribbled a note before sticking it onto the box.

Hotch,

A thank you for taking me home the other night, I really appreciate it.

I made chocolate chip and walnut for you. 

The chocolate chip ones I decorated in a spider man theme are for Jack, and you if he wants to share.

Thanks again,

Y/N.

I walked to the small kitchenette and poured myself a cup of coffee before heading to my desk. Seeing as no one would be in for another hour and a half— at the earliest— I decided to get started on some paperwork. I was surprised at how quickly I got through it, being as a stack so large would have taken me all night any other day. I guessed doing it first thing allowed for maximum concentration, and I was just moving the final file over to the done pile when the first agent arrived.

‘Spence!’ I cheered, my smile melting into a sheepish expression when he jumped, ‘sorry! I’m just so happy to see another person, I’ve been here since 7 and the empty room was really starting to freak me out.’

He chuckled, placing his satchel and jacket on his desk before coming over to mine and accepting the hug I offered him. I loved hugging Spence; he was almost a foot taller than me, so when his arms wrapped around me he made me feel tiny and safe. He was like the twin I’d always wanted— we were similar in age, we liked the same movies and we were both a little socially awkward and trying to figure out who we were.

‘Why did you come in so early?’ He asked after we’d pulled apart, the both of us heading to the coffee machine, his arm around my shoulders.

‘I made cookies for Hotch and Jack and wanted to drop them off before the team could see and complain I hadn’t made them any.’ I told him, which wasn’t exactly a lie.

‘Smart.’ The genius snorted, pouring some coffee into my mug and then his own.

‘What did you get up to yesterday?’ I wondered as we headed back to my desk—I’d actually seen him on one of the days we’d had off as we’d had a Star Wars marathon. It was something we made a point to do at least once every three months. 

‘Nothing really, just boring domestic stuff.’ He shrugged, wheeling his chair over to my desk.

‘Same, well that and baking,’ I shrugged.

‘What’s the matter?’ He explained when I frowned in confusion, ‘you sighed, that’s your tell.’

I sighed again, biting my lip and looking over to Hotch’s still dark office, ‘can you keep a secret?’

‘You know I can, Y/N.’ He assured me, and I knew he was right.

‘I’m having certain... feelings for someone I shouldn’t be, and I’m just struggling to get over it.’ I admitted, looking down at my coffee cup to avoid his observant eyes.

‘You mean Hotch?’ He clarified, and my gaze found his, shocked and surprised at his casual question.

‘You know?’ I squeaked, putting my mug down before I dropped it, ‘does anyone else?’

‘I don’t think so, I mean I’ve known for a while now, but I didn’t say anything because I figured you’d tell me if you wanted me to know.’ He shrugged and his calm attitude quelled my anxiety a little.

‘Okay well yes, I’m in love with Hotch and I don’t know how to make it stop.’ I sighed, running a hand through my hair, ‘I know he’ll never look at me that way, plus he’s my boss everyone would see it as inappropriate and that’s not even factoring in the age gap. I’ve tried dating other men but I just compare them to him and find them lacking, or they end up being total jerks and well you know about the guy Pen set me up with.’

He nodded, his brow crinkled with sympathy.

‘I know what you’re going through. Well, kind of.’ He bit his lip, running a hand through his chocolate locks, ‘it took me a while to get over JJ.’

‘I didn’t know you liked her.’ I admitted softly, my hand reaching out to squeeze his.

‘I did, for about a year, until I realised that she was never going to see me that way. Then she met Will and had Henry so it was easier for me to move on.’ He explained, taking a sip of his coffee, ‘how long have you been in love with him?’

‘I’ve had feelings for him since I met him, but I never really paid them any mind until we were on our way back from a case on the jet. Everyone was asleep and Hotch was on his way back from the bathroom, on his way he stopped and covered JJ and Prentiss with blankets, and got you a pillow and put it under your head. When he saw that I was still awake he just smiled at me and sat down next to Rossi. He didn’t say a word and in that moment I realised I loved him.’ My voice was low, but still loud enough for Spencer to hear, and though neither of us knew it, it was loud enough for Hotch to hear from the kitchenette, neither of us aware of his presence, ‘that was almost two years ago.’

‘You should tell him.’ Spence said, his hand entwining with mine, knowing the warmth of his hand would offer me some comfort.

‘Why? It won’t change anything for the good. He’ll tell me I’m his subordinate, that a relationship would be inappropriate, that he’d never be interested even if I didn’t work for him. I’ll be heartbroken and embarrassed and it could change the whole team dynamic. I don’t want that to happen.’ I sighed, looking down and fighting to stop any tears from falling. But like I said, Spence was like my twin, he knew when I was upset and I was bundled up in his arms before I could take another breath. The tears fell in earnest then as I sobbed against his chest, knowing I needed this moment to pull myself together before the rest of the team arrived.

‘So what are you going to do?’ He murmured against my hair.

‘Suffer in silence and hope I don’t die alone.’ I said, sarcasm heavy in my tone, but it wasn’t enough to completely disguise the fear in my choice. 

‘Hey,’ he pulled back to look into my eyes, to allow me to see the sincerity behind his next words, ‘no matter what, you’ll never be alone, I promise you that. We’re all a family here, Y/N. You know that.’

A soft smile formed on my lips, ‘thanks Spence. You’re the best twin ever.’ 

We chuckled together and I pulled away to wipe the moisture from my cheeks before looking at the time on my watch. 8:45. The team would be arriving soon.

‘I’m gonna go and clean up.’ I murmured leaning over to pick up my bag and missing Hotch making his escape to the hallway so he wouldn’t be seen when I stood up. 

‘Okay.’ Spence’s voice was soft and he returned the smile I sent him as I left for the bathroom.

By the time I’d ran some cold water over my face, reapplied my make up and ran a brush through my hair, I looked like I had when I first stepped through the doors this morning. No evidence of my morning heart-to-heart with Dr Spencer Reid remained as I made my way back to my desk, placing my bag onto my chair and joining the others in the conference room. 

‘Sorry, I was just in the bathroom.’ I murmured, feeling the embarrassed flush form on my cheeks. Only I could arrive two hours early and still be late for the briefing.

‘It’s no problem,’ Hotch replied, nodding at Garcia to continue relaying the case.

 I didn’t notice his eyes flicker back to me after I’d opened the case file, his dark eyes swimming with adoration, concern and sadness for a moment before his guards rose again and his attention shifted back to Garcia. 

Reid however noticed the glance and felt his heart squeeze with hope. Y/N might not have noticed Hotch’s behaviour towards her, but he certainly had. He doubted anyone else on the team had observed the same things he had, because his eidetic memory didn’t allow him to miss anything. The glances, the fond looks, the concern for her during cases, how his expression softened at her happiness, how he made sure that there was always a supply of chocolate pop tarts in the kitchenette at work, because Y/N often forgot to eat during cases and he knew the sweet treat would offer her at least some nutrition and a pick-me-up for the particularly hard days. 

Y/N didn’t know about any of it, and he’d considered telling her, but he knew she wouldn't believe him, and also it wasn’t his place to reveal. If Hotch wanted her to know, he’d tell her himself, he didn’t want to cause her any pain if he did reveal his observations only for Hotch to shoot it down and hurt her. He shook his head and focused on the briefing, reiterating some statistics on Florida.

He just hoped it all worked out for his friends. They deserved happiness.

//

A weary sigh left my lips as I wondered to my desk, eyeing the stack of paperwork and deciding to stay late and get it done; it was better than letting it build up to obscene levels. We’d just returned from Florida after ten days tracking a man who kidnapped families, held them for a week and then murdered them all. We’d managed to catch him before he killed the new family he’d abducted and I was beyond relieved, as was the rest of the team as we always were when we managed to save someone. 

I glanced over to my right, eyeing Emily’s tired eyes with a soft smile. She’d stayed behind to finish paperwork like I had, but I could tell she was about ten minutes away from passing out. Seeing as I’d already managed to finish the few I’d accumulated on my desk, I wheeled my chair over to her desk and snatched up her remaining six files. It would take me another hour and a half, but it was worth it if she’d go home to sleep.

‘Y/N, what are you doing?’ She yawned, pushing her chair away from her desk.

‘Go home, Em.’ I told her, my voice gentle but firm. I continued when I saw her hesitate, despite her desire to take me up on the offer, ‘I’m serious, go home and snuggle your cat. Get some sleep.’

‘Are you sure?’ She murmured, another yawn escaping her lips.

‘I’m sure. Get outta here.’ I winked, turning and hiding my own yawn in my fist as I placed her files on my desk.

‘Thanks Y/N. Love you.’ She hugged me from behind and left with a kiss to my cheek.

‘You better.’ I yelled after her, smiling at her tired laughter. 

I turned and started to work, I vaguely registered the elevator open and close as I filled in the report efficiently and quickly. I was determined to get through the remaining files before the exhaustion seeped in and took me over, too. I could feel it lingering in the back of my mind, just waiting to strike, but I hoped my concentration and the coffee I was drinking would hold it off long enough for me to finish. I also put Taylor Swift’s new album ‘Folklore’ on shuffle quietly in the back ground, hoping to prevent the empty floor freaking me out for as long as possible. 

I was humming along with my tears ricochet as I signed the last file, tossing it onto the separate finished pile for Emily. I placed them back onto her desk and sat back down at mine, yawning as I turned off the music and just took a moment to relax. Of course in hindsight, that was a mistake, because I was exhausted and vulnerable to sleep. I didn't remember my head falling to rest on top of my arms, nor did I remember closing my eyes, but the next thing I knew was a large, warm hand on my lower back, gently rubbing back and forth to carefully rouse me from sleep.

‘Hotch?’ I murmured, my voice thick with sleep as I blinked, trying to wake myself properly. I looked down to my watch and saw the time: 2:45am, the last time I’d looked it had been 1am. 

‘You should go home and get some sleep.’ He said, his voice gentle as he rubbed my back once more before moving away.

‘Yeah.’ I agreed, standing and stretching, a yawn leaving my mouth as I did, ‘what about you?’

‘I’m heading home now.’ He assured me, a small fond smile on his lips.

‘Okay.’ I offered him a grateful smile as he helped my uncoordinated, still partially unconscious self pull my jacket on. 

‘Did you get my cookies?’ I wondered as we stood in the elevator that would take us to the parking garage.

‘I did.’ He smiled again, his eyes sparkling with that soft emotion again. I found myself returning the gesture, hoping he didn’t notice the flush that had most definitely formed on my cheeks.

‘Good.’ I said eventually, my brain apparently incapable of coming up with anything better as I leaned back against the wall, too exhausted to stand properly.

‘Jack will love the Spider-Man cookies. He’s still massively obsessed with him, I’m sure he’ll be his Halloween costume this year.’ Hotch mused, a small smile on his face as he spoke of his son. 

People always assumed because Hotch was so authoritative and serious at work, that he wasn’t capable of smiling ever. But that wasn’t the case, sometimes his humour did find a way to integrate itself at work, but whenever a case was over, he became much more relaxed and smiled a lot easier as the responsibility from his job eased from his shoulders for a little while. What I didn’t know, was that he never relaxed around anyone else as much as he did around me.

‘I don’t know.’ I pursed my lips to hide my knowing smile, ‘Jack might have already mentioned what he was going to dress up as for Halloween this year last week over the family picnic.’

Hotch had invited the team to spend some time at the park with him and Jack. Garcia had insisted on turning it into a picnic, and had insisted on my help for preparing the food, seeing as I’d been preparing meals for Hotch, and sometimes Jack, for months now so I knew what they would like. It had been a huge success, and I had been reminded again what an amazing father Aaron was to Jack, he was an amazing kid. 

‘Really, what’s that?’ He asked, his eyes sparkling with mirth.

‘Sorry, I’m sworn to secrecy.’ I winked and then blushed immediately after when I remembered exactly who I was winking at. I cleared my throat, ‘but something tells me you’ll love it.’

‘I’m sure I will.’ His voice became soft as his eyes stared into mine, and I couldn't help but wonder if he was talking about something else.

I was as powerless to look away from him as I always was, he had this captivating aura around him, this powerful personality that you couldn't help but submit to. Or maybe it was just me who felt his bewitchment so strongly because of my additional feelings for him. Either way, he didn’t look away from me until the elevator dinged, announcing our arrival to the parking garage. Even then, it took him a moment longer and I found myself wondering what he saw when he looked at me that made him so reluctant to break eye contact. When he did, look away, I became aware of how fast my heart was beating, how erratic my breath had become and as I walked to my car I was overcome with embarrassment, because it was something that wouldn’t have escaped his notice. 

‘Goodnight, Y/N.’ He didn’t speak above his usual volume, but it was easy to hear him in the near empty garage.

‘Goodnight, Sir.’ I replied, climbing into my car and taking a deep breath, before turning on my car and driving away.

//

When Foyet had attacked Hotch, I had been the one to track him down at the hospital. I had refused to leave his side while I waited for him to wake up, tears trailing uncontrollably down my face as I took in his weakened state. I’d hated seeing him so pale, so vulnerable, and when the rest of the team had been informed after the new case had been solved, so had they. It had been awful, even more so when he woke and immediately went into profiler mode. He discovered that Hayley and Jack were in danger and ordered for them to be taken into protective custody before he passed out again. I’d stayed while the team went to retrieve them both, holding his hand until he regained consciousness. 

‘Hey,’ he murmured, his dark eyes on mine. I went to remove my hand from his, but he tightened his grip and prevented me from doing so. I saw the soft look in his eyes again and relaxed my grip, looking down to hide my tears.

‘Hey.’ I replied, realising I’d said nothing in response to his greeting. I winced when I heard how rough my voice was, a sure sign I’d been crying.

‘You’ve been crying.’ It wasn’t a question, it was a statement of fact.

‘Only Aaron Hotchner would be profiling from his hospital bed.’ I teased, my heart feeling a little lighter at the amusement that formed on his expression.

‘Not profiling, just paying attention.’ He said, his voice low and weak and it made my heart hurt.

‘Of course I’ve been crying, you’re in a hospital bed, I walked into your apartment to find blood on the floor, and found you here with multiple stab wounds.’ I frowned, the images replaying themselves through my brain.

‘Hey.’ He squeezed my hand and my gaze returned to his, his dark eyes soft and reassuring, ‘I’m okay, Y/N. A little beat up, but I’m going to live and that’s all that matters.’

I started into his eyes for a long moment before nodding. That’s all that matters. He was right of course, but we both knew the only reason that was true, was because Foyet wasn’t finished with him yet, he wanted to watch him fall apart without his son and ex-wife in his life. But I refused to even think about that, because we were going to find him, and until we did, the whole team would be there for him. We wouldn't let him lose himself like the previous detective Foyet made a deal with had. 

‘I’m really glad you’re alive.’ I admitted with a whisper, my eyes glazing over with tears, and I knew that my eyes were essentially an open book in that moment, my guards had crumbled to rubble over the past twenty four hours. I knew he could see just how relieved I was that he was okay, as his eyes glimmered with that unidentifiable emotion again as he squeezed my hand, telling me he was glad too.

My hand stayed grasped in his until Hayley and Jack arrived. 

//

When we found Foyet, it hadn’t been before he’d managed to track down Hayley and Jack. Without a doubt, it had been the hardest case any of us had to work, hearing Hayley tell Hotch goodbye before we heard the gunshots that told us she’d been murdered. We all raced to the house to find Hotch beating Foyet beyond his death, not letting up until I placed a hand on his shoulder, the soft touch making him pause immediately.

‘He’s gone, Hotch.’ I murmured, squeezing his shoulder as he sobbed, ‘where’s Jack?’

‘Jack.’ He sobbed, jerking up from the ground and sprinting upstairs. I followed him, knowing he wouldn’t want Jack to see him the way he was, covered in blood, long enough to ask questions.

He ran to his office, falling to his knees next to the window seat and lifting it up to reveal a smiling and proud Jack.

‘I worked the case, daddy!’ He cheered as Aaron lifted him from inside the seat before pulling the lid back down.

‘You did a good job, buddy.’ He smiled through his tears, gripping his sons shoulders and kissing his forehead.

Prentiss stepped into the room behind me, her eyes soft with sympathy and heartbreak— the same look held in everyone’s eyes in that moment.

‘Hey Jack, why don’t we leave your daddy to clean up, huh? I’ll take you downstairs and you can play with the sirens in the car.’ Prentiss said, forcing her tone to appear cheery.

‘Can I daddy?’ Jack pleaded, his smile bright.

‘Of course buddy,’ Aaron said, squeezing his sons shoulder once more before Jack darted to Prentiss. She took his hand and led him from the room.

I didn’t remember moving to kneel in front of him, but I suddenly was, my arms wrapping around his neck as his head rested onto my shoulder. I held him as he sobbed, his tears trailing down my neck and shoulder, my hands moved comfortingly through his hair as he held me in a rib breaking grip. I held him until his throat was raw from crying, until his tears dried up, until he felt strong enough to pull away from my hold. At that point, no one had stepped into the room. I assumed the team had deduced that Aaron would need some time, and had kept everyone away knowing Hotch would hate anyone to see him vulnerable.

‘I’m so sorry, Hotch.’ I murmured, my eyes glazed over with tears at the sight of his pain.

‘I know.’ I could see the small spark of gratitude in his eyes among the pain, the grief, the worry, ‘we should clean up.’

I frowned at his use of ‘we’ until I glanced down and saw that I was covered in blood too; it must have transferred over as I comforted him. I nodded and took the hand he offered me to help me from the floor. He led moved to the small closet in the corner— I assumed he kept clothes in his office during his marriage to Hayley to avoid disturbing her if he got called into a case at odd hours of the morning. He pulled out a shirt and dress pants for himself before turning to me.

‘I think Hayley still has some clothes here.’ He said and it took me a second to understand what he meant. When I did I shook my head, almost a little to vigorously, but I couldn’t help it, wearing her clothes, when she was lying dead in the other room just didn’t seem right. 

Hotch nodded in understanding, handing me a plain grey T-shirt that obviously belonged to him. I wondered into the en-suite, taking off my vest and unbuttoning my blouse before tugging the shirt over my head, tying it in a knot at my waist to make it more form fitting. I then washed my forearms and hands, watching the water run a light pink as I scrubbed away the blood. A few tears fell while I worked, but I forced myself to get it under control before I left the bathroom— this wasn’t about me, it wasn’t acceptable for me to fall apart right then. When I emerged from the bathroom, Aaron entered. As I waited for him to return I took deep and even breaths to keep myself in control of my emotions. While none of the team had been particularly close to Hayley, we all loved her because she’d loved Aaron, our leader, the man we looked up to, the man we trusted to make the tough decisions. And so, his grief, his loss was going to be felt by the entire team. I couldn’t even imagine how this was going to effect Jack, who was young enough to potentially not understand that his mom was never coming home. 

I wiped away my tears and cleared my throat as the door opened and Hotch joined me in his office. I could see the concern in his eyes so I must have looked bad. I felt myself shake my head, amazed that even while he was feeling the worst pain he’d ever felt, he still took notice and cared about those around him.

‘Come on, you should get to Jack before he drives the neighbours insane with those sirens.’ I managed a smile that became more genuine at his breathy laugh as we walked down the stairs.

Everything was going to be okay, I’d make sure of it.

//

It had been six months since Hayley’s passing and life was starting to form a new normal for all of us. The team all offered their help once him and Jack had settled into his apartment. Aaron had respectfully declined, insisting he wanted to find out and adjust to being a single parent without the help. We all acknowledged his wishes, but made a point of us all going on a day trip at any available opportunity— that ended up being once a month. 

Despite what he said, I continued to bring in prepared meals to work, more often than before and always for him and Jack, knowing that the last thing he’d have the energy for when he got home would be cooking. Plus, this meant he had more time to spend with his son before he tucked him in, and well I didn’t need to explain why that was a plus. He thanked me gratefully every time, and after a few months, he started inviting me over for dinner with him and Jack at least once a week. Sometimes it would be on one of our rare days off, or it would be after a long case before we started a new one the next day. Either way those dinners became the highlight of my week, primarily because of the company; I loved seeing Hotch relaxed and happy, which he always was around Jack, and I loved hearing Jack’s endless stories about school, or the imaginary world he’d created in one of his drawings. At first the domesticity of the gatherings threw me for a loop, but I continually reminded myself that I was there as a friend and nothing more until it sunk in. And so, we settled into a comfortable routine where I was blissfully ignoring the way my love for him only seemed to grow deeper the more time I spent with him. How was I to know that it was all going to go up in flames?

It was any other Monday morning as I rode the elevator up to the BAU floor, but when I stepped out and noticed everyone already gathered around the conference table, a bad feeling started to form in my gut. I dropped my jacket and purse off at my desk before heading into the room, not liking the way everyone’s eyes turned to me.

‘Am I late?’ I frowned, sliding into my usual seat in between Reid and JJ.

‘No, you’re right on time.’ Rossi assured me, his eyes flickering over to Aaron.

‘What’s going on?’ I asked, noticing there weren’t any files in front of anyone that would indicate a new case.

‘Johnathan Rivers is going to be put to death next week.’ Hotch started, and I felt myself tense at the name, ‘he’s revealed that there are more victims we didn’t even know he’d taken. He’s offered to reveal their names and locations in exchange for something.’ He continued when I didn’t ask, ‘he wants to be interviewed by you and me.’

‘Why?’ I couldn’t fathom why he would want Hotch there. Me I could understand— I was the victim that got away, he probably wanted to taunt me with details of what he’d done to the other women we hadn’t saved, to torture me with the guilt and knowledge of what I’d escaped when so many others hadn’t.

‘I don’t know.’ Aaron admitted, knowing that I wasn’t asking about me, but I got the feeling he wasn’t being completely truthful when his eyes darted from mine after he spoke, ‘if you don’t want to do this, I understand.’

‘Of course I don’t want to do this.’ I huffed a laugh, but it was void of humour, ‘but I’m not going to put me being uncomfortable above providing families with closure. When do we leave?’

He studied my expression for what felt like a long moment before he nodded and dismissed us with, ‘wheels up in ten. The rest of the team will remain behind to assist on any cases that come in.’

Everyone nodded and stood from the table. I headed for the bathroom, needing a moment to compose myself before I grabbed my go back from underneath my desk. I ran my hands underneath the cool water, taking a deep breath and trying to keep the memories from the forefront of my mind. 

His sadistic smile. His hands running over my body. Not being able to move to stop him. No. Stop it. Get off me. 

My breath caught in my throat and I braced my hands on the sink, ignoring the tears falling down my cheeks in favour of getting my breathing under control. If I didn’t I was going to hyperventilate and have a panic attack. But that knowledge didn’t help, it only seemed to make the invisible noose around my neck grow tighter and I fell to my knees, my vision becoming spotty and the shallow breaths I took feeling like fire in my throat. 

‘Y/N.’ I’d know that authoritative voice anywhere, but at the moment I couldn’t bring myself to respond. I felt his hand envelop my right, squeezing it tightly as he continued, ‘you need to take deep breaths. In through your nose and out through your mouth. Match your breathing to mine.’ His voice was low, commanding and impossible to ignore, as he took his breaths I tried my best to mirror him, encouraged as he whispered soft reassurances to me whenever a deep breath broke into several shallow, panicked breaths. I don’t know how long he stayed there with me for, my hand in his, whispering encouragements and continually reminding me to match my breathing to his, but eventually I regained control and a long, relieved sigh left me when I realised it was over.

My forehead fell against his shoulder, exhaustion falling over me as I soaked his suit jacket with my tears. I hated panic attacks. They sucked, in truth I’d forgotten just how much. Hotch’s hand stroked my hair while the other rubbed soothing circles into my lower back. He never once complained, never gave the impression that he was getting impatient with how long it was taking me to pull myself together. 

But when I did lift my head from his shoulder, my hands resting on the tops of his muscled arms for support the first words I said were, ‘I’m sorry.’

‘You have nothing to be sorry for.’ His eyes were sincere and reassuring, and I felt the tension in my chest ease a little.

I nodded, my head falling back to his shoulder. In the back of my mind I knew there was no need for me to still be clinging to him like this, that we were shifting more towards inappropriate behaviour the longer he held me in his arms, but I couldn’t bring myself to care, and seeing as he wasn’t in a hurry to pull away I didn't either. We stayed there for a few minutes longer but the moment was broken when his phone started to ring in his suit jacket. I reluctantly pulled back and stood with him as he pulled out the device and answered it.

‘Hotchner.’ He said, his voice slipping back into his usual stern work tone.

I tuned out of the conversation, wiping my cheeks and running some cold water over my face. I didn't have my bag with me so I couldn’t apply fresh make up to make my face look less tear stained, which was frustrating but it was what it was. I blotted my face dry and offered Hotch a reassuring smile as he examined my expression once again.

‘I’m fine.’ I told him once he’d hung up the phone.

‘Are you sure? When I said you didn’t have to do this, I meant it.’ He murmured, his eyes softening with sincerity.

‘I know you did, but I meant it when I said I wouldn’t put my discomfort above giving families closure.’ I sighed, gesturing towards the door, ‘we should get going.’

He nodded, guiding me from the room with a hand hovering above my lower back. I grabbed my go bag and purse from my desk, relieved the rest of the team was in the conference room again, most likely being briefed on another case. If they’d seen me in my current state, I was sure I’d have more people to convince that I was up to this. 

We boarded the jet, taking one of the double seats next to each other. We spent most of the flight in silence, Hotch spent time going over the past cases, but I couldn't bring myself to, worried seeing what he’d done to those other women would trigger a panic attack. I took time to properly pull myself together, knowing I couldn’t sit across from a psychopath anything less than guarded and prepared. By the time the jet’s wheels touched down on the tarmac, I was ready to face him.

//

‘It’s nice to see you again.’ His smile was the same, it still sent a slither of discomfort down my spine, but I refused to let it show on my face.

‘We’re here as you requested, now give us the names and locations of the victims we missed.’ Hotch said, I could see him out of my peripheral vision, he was sat straight, quietly confident and his tone was stern. But Rivers hadn’t stopped staring at me, and I wasn’t about to break first.

‘Names,’ Hotch prompted after a moment, his tone hardening.

He finally looked away and I took in the smug upturn of his lips and the malice that glittered in his eyes. I didn’t know what he was going to say, but I knew it wasn’t going to be good.

‘I’ll tell you what you want to know.’ His eyes flickered to me again, and when Aaron cleared his throat to attract his gaze, the smile that grew on his face was that of a sharks, ‘if you tell me something first.’

‘What do you want to know?’ He asked, a confused frown forming on his face.

‘What I would like to know is how you function so well as a team when you’re clearly in love with one another.’ He said and I felt my blood run cold. Of all the ways I’d pictured Hotch finding out about my feelings for him, this was most definitely not on the top ten list.

Neither of us spoke, and he took that as a sign to continue as he leaned back in his chair, arms crossed arrogantly against his chest, ‘I noticed the night you arrested me. While I was cuffed and led away by your brawny agent you rushed over to her. Now love is not something I understand myself but I’ve witnessed it on others, specifically on the two of you that night. The way you held her, the way she relaxed with your arms around her, the way you refused to leave her alone and carried her over to the ambulance when she passed out.’

I’ve witnessed it on others, specifically the two of you that night.

Specifically the two of you that night.

The two of you.

He didn’t mean... did he?

I banished that train of thought before it could run away from me. Rivers didn’t know what he was talking about, he just wanted to rile us up, to exert the minimal control he still had to play with us and feel some form of accomplishment. I took a breath and leaned back in my seat, making a show of rolling my eyes. I’d be damned if I was going to let this psycho see just how well he’d pin pointed and played on my insecurities. 

‘Not that it’s any of your business,’ I examined my nails, knowing not giving him my full attention would play on his superiority complex. Like I said, most domineering personalities were arrogant and incredibly narcissistic— Johnathan Rivers possessed that particular characteristic in spades, ‘but the way I feel for Agent Hotchner is no different than how I feel for the rest of my team. I love them all and they’re like family to me. Now I don’t know what you think you witnessed, but I assure you, your assumptions are false.’

I leaned forward to look him in the eyes and when he suddenly jolted forward, to make a grab for me, I refused to flinch and continued to meet his eye. I felt Hotch lean forward too, slamming his hand onto the metal table and once again demanding the names.

‘What’s the matter Agent Hotchner? Nervous about sharing your own feelings on the subject?’ He asked, but chuckled at Aaron’s dark glare, ‘fine. Wendy Grooves, Sarah Jones, Victoria McMillan and Melinda Hewitt. All of them can be found buried underneath concrete in the basement of the house I owned. I had to move the dumping site when I ran out of room.’

Without another word Hotch and I stood, so simultaneous that it was almost as if we planned it, and strode from the room. He pulled out his phone to call Morgan to put together an extraction team to recover the bodies that we’d been given. We both headed for the jet afterwards, neither of us wanting to stay any longer there than we had to. I could feel the tension that crackled between us and how it seemed to intensify the longer we didn't talk. As much as I hated it, I didn’t want to be the one to break the silence, and so we stayed quiet until Hotch shifted in his seat across from me half way through our flight. 

‘We should talk.’ He said, his voice softer than I’d ever heard it, and when I looked up into his eyes I could see his hesitation along with that ever present soft emotion.

‘Okay.’ I reluctantly agreed, taking a deep breath and steeling myself for rejection, ‘I’ve been in love with you—.’

‘I know how you feel about me, Y/N.’ He cut me off, continuing when I blinked in confusion, ‘I had my suspicions before, but when I heard you talking to Reid almost a year ago, that confirmed it.’

‘You heard me.’ I repeated, feeling embarrassment swirling in my gut, ‘why didn’t you say anything?’

‘Because at the time, I was still dealing with getting over Hayley, and then she...’ he trailed off, closing his eyes for a moment, ‘then she died and I didn’t realise how much time had passed. And I didn’t want to say anything until I was sure I was ready to move on, until I was sure I could be completely invested in the relationship and not feeling guilty for moving on and being happy.’

I couldn’t believe my ears. The way he was talking it sounded like... like he had feelings for me too?

‘But I am ready to move on, Y/N. If you’re still willing to give me a chance?’ He asked, his eyes filled with a mixture of emotions, the most prominent being hope. I couldn’t stop myself from leaning forward and taking his hands in mine.

‘I am absolutely sure I want to give you a chance, Aaron.’ I murmured, his following smile was contagious.

He leaned forward, his hands pulling away from mine to caress my face, gently wiping away the happy tears that fell down my cheeks. His forehead fell against mine, and I knew he was giving me the chance to pull away, to change my mind, and when I didn’t he leaned forward and sealed his mouth over mine. The kiss started off tentative, as all first kisses did, and when we’d become more familiar with one another, his hand lifted to my hair as he deepened the kiss. My hands slid into his midnight locks, enjoying the softness and tugging on the strands. I felt a groan vibrate in his chest and he pulled me closer, both of his hands lifting me by my waist and onto his lap. One hand trailed down my back, the other fell to the side of my neck, his thumb moving back and forth over my pulse point. Before the kiss could deepen any further, we reluctantly pulled apart, our lungs in dire need of oxygen. Our foreheads rested against each other, our erratic breath mingling as we worked to get it under control. Once we’d recovered more, he placed a chaste kiss to my lips, then my nose, then each eye lid before finishing with my forehead. I chuckled breathlessly, my heart picking up again, as his hands rested on my cheeks and he stared at me with that soft emotion again. Only now I could see what it was, now that my mind wasn’t clouded with fear of misinterpretation. It was love. 

‘We have some things we need to discuss.’ He murmured after a while, ever the boss.

‘I know.’ My hand covered his left on my cheek, shifting it so I could kiss his palm before I entwined our fingers together.

‘I don’t think we should tell the team right away, while we figure things out and get into our own rhythm without having to worry about being over assessed when they know.’ He said, his other hand moved through my hair, a smile forming on his lips when I leaned into his touch, ‘and we’ll have to file a relationship form with Strauss.’

‘Sounds good to me.’ And it did, hearing him talk about what we would need to do once we’d found dynamic as a couple, made it seem more real and long lasting. 

After that, we didn’t talk much, and I didn’t move from his lap. My head rested against his shoulder, my face nuzzled into his neck. His hand moved through my hair while his other held a case file that he was reading, apparently it was one JJ had asked for a second opinion on. I didn’t remember exactly when I fell asleep, but the last thought that ran though my mind was one word.

Safe.

// 

It was three weeks later that Aaron and I went on our first date. We’d spent time together in between of course, but we’d only had the odd day off since and that time was meant for Jack, which I understood. I loved the little guy so if spending time with Aaron meant spending time with Jack too, it was hardly a hardship and more of a blessing. Which is why I didn’t push for us to have our first date, knowing that he cared for me as I cared for him practically had me walking on air. But when he asked me out to dinner and a movie, and told me that Jack was with is aunt for the night, I found myself feeling nervous with butterflies fluttering in my stomach. I’d dressed in a form fitting slinky dark purple body con dress, paired with some black flats. I’d curled my hair and clipped it back so it fell down the centre of my back, my make up was light and I was wearing lip balm over lipstick— I didn’t want to have to worry about topping it up throughout the night. 

His knock at the door made the butterflies swarm again and I opened the door with a smile. I felt my eyes dilate with attraction as I took him in— he was wearing his usual dress shoes and pants, but the way he wore his shirt made me want to drool. It was pale blue, his top two buttons were undone, allowing me to spy some chest hair, and his cuffs were rolled up to his forearms. I couldn't help the way my gaze lingered on the veins that protruded from his arms, and when I finally managed to meet his eyes again I noticed they were alight with attraction and pleasure at my reaction to him. 

‘You look...gorgeous.’ I said, for lack of a better word. His smile grew on his lips as he reached forward, taking my hand in his. My free hand fell to his forearm, running along his veins and enjoying the softness of his skin.

‘Thank you, honey.’ He murmured, his hand moving to the side of my face, his thumb moving over my cheekbone, ‘you look breath taking.’

I blushed at the compliment, placing a kiss to his palm in thanks. As I grabbed my keys and my card wallet, I realised I hadn’t grabbed a bag to carry them in, before I could Aaron took them from my hands and placed them in his back pocket with a wink that made my heart skip a beat.

As we walked to the elevator, he told me about how Jack had taken his FBI badge into school for show and tell, without telling him about it first. He’d worried that he’d misplaced it, or left it in Detroit— the last place we’d gone to for a case—until Jack had come home and told his dad about his day. He’d told him he shouldn’t take things without asking, but he’d been more touched than mad. 

When we arrived at the restaurant, we sat next to one another in the privacy of a booth, eating Italian food and drinking wine. We spent the night basking in each other’s company, sharing stories, laughing and deciding to order dessert when we realised we’d lost track of time and missed the movie. But I didn’t mind, I preferred it actually instead of being in a place where we couldn’t share conversation. We stayed until an apologetic waiter told us they were closing and asked us to leave. And we drove back to his apartment, his hand entwined with mine and his other on the steering wheel as music from the radio played quietly. 

‘Jack has a play date tomorrow morning, so Jessica won’t be bringing him home until the afternoon.’ Hotch murmured to me as we stepped into his apartment.

‘Oh really, so no early start tomorrow?’ I grinned, a sigh of contentment leaving me as his hands rested on my waist.

‘Which is good, because when I’m through with you, I think you’ll need your rest to recover.’ He spoke quietly against the skin of my throat in between kisses. 

There was no arrogance in his voice, he was confident but quietly so, and I assumed he had a reason to be. He wasn’t the kind of man who was self assured without knowing it to be true.

‘Hmm... I think you’re all talk, Hotchner.’ I teased, but it was rendered pointless as a quiet moan left my throat when his lips latched onto the sensitive spot behind my ear.

He chuckled against my skin, not bothering to respond as my behaviour had already told him everything he needed to know. My hands wound in his hair as his lips continued their exploration, grateful for his grip on my lower back, as without the support I was sure my knees would have buckled. My head fell against the back of the front door as my breathing became erratic, while his lips trailed over my collarbone and down between the valley of my breasts. His hand slid the thin strap down my arm, and allowing him to move the fabric of my dress and close his mouth around my nipple. I moaned, feeling myself grow hotter as his hand moved down my legs, slipping under the satin fabric and trailing up my bare leg and stopping behind my knee. He lifted my right leg to hook around his waist, and then did the same with my left, his lips never stopping in their pleasurable torment on my chest. I barely noticed him carrying me to his bedroom, until my back was met with the cool temperature of his sheets. His lips returned to mine, the kiss full of passion, lust and when our tongues met, a battle for dominance that he won with minimal effort.

As we became lost in each other, as he moved inside of me, as he whispered praises and encouragements in my ear, as we reached our climaxes together, I found myself fall that little bit more in love with him. Because, he was gentle, he took care of me and my desires, and he found pleasure in doing so, just as I knew he would. 

Much later, as we both lay back to regather our breath and exhaustion overcame me, I found myself thinking— there was no way us being together would feel so natural, so right, if we weren’t meant to be. And in that moment, I knew we were. 

Aaron Hotchner was my soulmate. 

A/N: This came to me after I read of terrible coffee and late night rides by @venusbarnes​ It’s absolutely wonderful and if you haven’t read it yet, and like Aaron Hotchner imagines, you can find it on their Masterlist. Trust me, you’ll love it. 

I hope ya’ll liked this one, I know it’s long, but I just couldn’t bring myself to stop. Whoops.

[biisexualemma]

anger pt.2. oscar diaz

word count: 1667

warnings: sad and soppy

requested: no (because i already kinda wrote this before i posted pt.1 but i hated it but i have reread and now i like it yikes sorry) but yes (because people asked for a part 2!!)

plot: trying to move on (unsuccessfully)

a/n: thank you so much to those who have been liking/ reblogging/ commenting it makes me so happy to know that people like what i write! if you want to request anything in particular send me a message and i will get around to doing it eventually! thank you for being cool and supporting my writing i appreciate it so much :) anyway i hope you like this ok bye

pt.1

masterlist

it'd been almost a week. you hadn't been back to the house since, even though all your stuff was still there. you'd been staying with your sister for now.

the past week had been hard. you'd been trying to get to grips with him not being around, trying to get on with your normal routine like nothing had happened. but it was hard. you'd come home from work and you'd stay in your room. you couldn't bare to face anyone. oscar hadn't tried to reach you, you were pretty sure he was done with you and onto the next girl, which broke your heart even more.

you knew that oscar was just mad, he couldn't control his anger, he never could, that's why he left. but after the second day with no contact, you began to realise that maybe that really was it for you two.

your sister had been telling you to forget about him. any guy that couldn't see how amazing you were, wasn't worth the hassle, she'd tell you almost every day. you were starting to believe her.

you'd spent the majority of the weekend wallowing, wondering what he was doing, whether he was in some kind of trouble, whether he was thinking about you. you wanted him to come back to you but oscar wasn't the kind to come back for a girl.

cesar had texted you a few times, asking why he hadn't seen you around the house recently. you didn't text him back, because you couldn't write an answer that sounded right. it didn't feel like you'd broken up, because you were still holding on.

your sister convinced you it was time to collect your things. so you text cesar, asking if oscar was home and when he replied with a no why? you grabbed a couple of bags and hopped in your car with your sister.

standing outside his house now, you froze. your sister knocked on the door for you, and cesar's smiley face popped up from behind the door.

"what's up, y/n? and y/n's sister." he let you inside. you saw the kitchen where you'd last spoken to him. "sorry, i don't know your name?" cesar made small talk with your sister, but you blurred out the conversation.

you were too caught up. it was too real. it was really over. oscar wasn't going to call you up after work anymore to ask about your day. you couldn't cling to him at parties anymore when you were surrounded by his friends. you were going to have to watch him live his life unfazed by you, without you.

"hey," cesar's hand touched your shoulder and you snapped out of your thoughts. he looked confused. oscar obviously hadn't told him anything. "what's this all about anyway?"

"where's oscar?" you ignored his question.

"at the store. i think." he shrugged. "what's up? i don't understand?"

"we broke up," it was the first time you'd said it aloud. your heart beat sped up when cesar frowned. "i need to get my stuff before he gets back, ok?"

cesar followed you and your sister as you all piled into oscar's room. you pulled open the draw he'd cleared out for your things, and your sister began piling your things into a bag. you began collecting things off the floor, everything was how you left it. you couldn't help but notice the bed looked like it hadn't been touched. you wondered whether he'd been struggling with sleeping again.

"i don't understand, what happened?" cesar had been bombarding you with questions that you'd been ignoring. you carried on clearing, picking up your toothbrush and your hair brush.

"it doesn't matter, alright? i'm sure he can tell you himself." you were lying. oscar didn't speak to cesar about this kind of stuff. but you also couldn't stand in this room and tell cesar about how his brother broke your heart and not cry about it. so you picked up the last of your things and chucked the bag over your shoulder.

"y/n—" cesar put his hands on your shoulders to stop you running around. his expression killed you. he was such a good kid, you hated leaving him.

you cut him off, your eyes glossing over, forcing a smile. "it's alright, 'kay? text me whenever you wanna talk. i'm not leaving you. just your brother."

you pulled him into a tight hug, your sister calling you to hurry up as she'd already packed the rest of your stuff in the car. you pulled back, a couple of tears slipping from your eyes that you wiped away quickly. "love you, alright kid? don't let your brother give you too much of a hard time."

he nodded, his expression was too sad for you to keep looking at so you quickly made your way to the door to meet your sister in the car. as soon as you pulled open the door you were met with his eyes. you froze. his eyebrows furrowed, not expecting you to be in his house out of the blue.

"i just came to pick up my stuff," you managed to speak. but he saw your pink cheeks and watery eyes, he was silent. "see you around." you quickly, nudged passed him.

"hey." he mumbled quietly but you ignored him, pushing passed him, practically running to the car now that the tears were running down your cheeks.

"drive, please," you begged as soon as you got in the car. "go!" you wiped under your eyes, not daring to look in his direction.

this was going to be so much harder than you thought.

-

you spent the rest of your day in your sweats in front of the tv. your sister had gone to work, now that she worked night shifts, and left you alone with a tub of ice cream watching reruns of your favourite show. you hadn't done this in a long time. you'd been so happy for a long time, oscar just had to go a fuck that up.

so when you heard a knock on your door, you trudged over absentmindedly, expecting it to be a delivery man. but you were wrong.

it was oscar, standing on your doorstep. he looked tired, more so than usual. you wanted to let him in but you kept your distance, standing slightly behind the door.

"hey." he mumbled.

"what do you want?" you were cold. you couldn't have him seeing you cry again. you had to be firm. he had moved on, you had to at least pretend you had too, even if he'd seen you crying a couple hours ago.

"i—" he stopped himself, thinking what the right thing to say was. "—wanted to check on you."

you paused before speaking. "you can't do that anymore."

"i know— but—"

"oscar, you broke up with me. there's no reason for you to be checking up on me." oscar's expression was unreadable. his head ducked when you spoke, his hand rubbed across his face.

he regretted everything he'd said. he didn't know how to tell you he'd made a mistake. his sleeping patterns had gotten even worse now that he was waking up in the middle of the night, knowing he couldn't call you. he would come home to an empty house, longing for your arms wrapping around him to make him feel just a bit better. he missed the way you would just sit with him, silently when he didn't want to talk, holding his hand. he missed everything about you.

"cesar's been bugging me about you," he tried to change to subject. "he told me i need to apologise."

"you should probably decide that for yourself."

"i fucked up," he blurted out, stepping closer to you. you were taken back. "i didn't mean anything i said."

your eyebrows furrowed, watching him try to apologise. your eyes were glossy but you refused to cry this time. he'd seen you cry too often lately. you didn't want to seem weak.

"i tried to be there for you because you were going through it. but i can't do it again. you treated me like shit.” your lip quivered. you wanted to run into his arms but you couldn't go back to how things were. you wanted to go back to when things were good between you two, despite everything else. "you need to sort your shit out because i can't do it for you. i can't fix everything and you can't take that out on me."

"i know— i'm sorry," you could see his glossy eyes though he tried to hide it. "i didn't know how much i needed you, until you weren't there."

"please—" he grabbed your hand, pulling him towards him and into a hug. he held you tight, your arms loosely wrapping around him. "i need you."

it broke your heart, hearing him beg like this. he was such a hard faced guy, he didn't often get emotional and if he did, it took a lot for him to show it.

"just— just don’t treat me like that ever again,” you mumbled into his chest. you sniffled, hiding your face in his chest. you missed this. you missed feeling wanted and appreciated. he mumbled a soft i love you and a never again "and i’m sorry i shouted at you. though you kinda deserved it."

"sorry i called you a bitch." he pulled back, holding your face in his hands. his hard face was soft. not many people saw oscar at his weakest like this. "you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, mi alma, i don't wanna lose you again."

"then don't." you smiled sadly. you loved oscar. you knew you'd always forgive him because he was it for you. no one ever made you feel the way he did. his hard exterior was nothing compared to what was inside. he was so much more than what he was known for. he was a softie at heart.

[smallheathgangsters]

Victims of War | T.S.

A/N: Turned out kinda sad and angsty, but not in a negative way, at least in my opinion. I hope you all like it as well 🥰 Sorry for any mistakes I made!

Request: “I'd like to request from you're prompt list ! 20 & 34, w/ Thomas Shelby !” by @captivatedbycillianmurphy​

Tags: @tranquility-or-chaos​ @zodiyack​

Pairing: Thomas Shelby x Reader

Word Count: 1867

Type: angst, some fluff

--------------------------------------------------------------

On the 4th of August 1914 you had received the devastating news about the United Kingdom’s declaration of war against the German Empire. You and your family had known exactly what that meant for your younger brother. Because he was serving officer in the British regular army, he had unfortunately been one of the first men to be sent off. On top of that, he’d been placed at the front line only two weeks into the war, making you fear for his life every single day, hoping that the next letter from him to you was still one he’d written himself and not a notice from the army about them being sorry for your loss.

Even though your brother was born a year after you, the two of you had been like twins. There hadn’t been a day in your childhood where you didn’t play together and when you got older, he was the one protecting you from any harm, not caring about himself actually being your younger sibling. When you started getting closer to the gypsy boy Tommy Shelby, it was more important to you that your brother gave you his blessing instead of your father or mother. All you wanted was him to be okay with the man you were seeing, his opinion being very important to you. Luckily, he’d let you know that he liked Thomas a lot and even began hanging out with Tommy’s younger brother John, soon making them best of friends. All that ended up in countless evenings of the four of you spending time together, having a laugh and a drink.

A few days ago, Tommy had told that he and his two brothers, John and Arthur, had volunteered to join the war as well. His confession turned your conversation into a heated discussion and eventually into a crying fit on your part. You just couldn’t understand how he had the heart to put you through that pain of letting somebody go and not knowing if they returned, again. He had witnessed what seeing your brother leave had done to you. The knowledge of him being part of the infantry and with that one of the men with the lowest chance of surviving, if they were sent to the front line, in the back of your mind. He’d also been there when your fears turn to reality when you’d opened his letter in which he had informed you about his transfer to the front line. It had been too soon for you to accept, for you to fully process.

Tommy had spent every night with you after your brother had said his goodbyes, but since he’d told you about him volunteering, it hadn’t been the same. His warm embrace wasn’t as warm anymore and his kisses didn’t give you the same comfort as they did before. It had nothing to do with you loving him less. It had been the cold fear that had settled in your chest, knowing that your days together were counted. That realisation had made it hard for you to savour the time you had left with him.

The sun wasn’t up yet when you woke. Tommy was lying on his chest, his head turned to the centre of the bed, facing you. Soft snores escaped his mouth, making you chuckle quietly at the sound and sight. You sighed and sat up. You couldn’t remember the last time you’d got a good night’s sleep. Your dreams had been nightmares ever since, forcing you to wake up multiple times and eventually giving up, making you get up and start your day. You’d always let Tommy sleep, knowing he needed to gain his strength for the war, and it wasn’t like you to make it harder on him than it already was. You knew deep down that Tommy had only volunteered because of his brothers. They both didn’t have a girlfriend, so nothing was holding them back.

You swung your legs over the edge of the bed and your feet came in contact with the cool wooden floor when you let yourself slide off the mattress. You padded over to the armchair in the corner of your room where your light dressing gown had been placed the evening before. You grabbed it and stuck your arms through the long sleeves, tying it together in the front. It helped a little with the chilly air in the morning, keeping your skin from immediately getting goose bumps.

You decided to go down to the kitchen of your parents’ home and put on the kettle to make some tea. That would help you relax from the exhausting night you’d had yet again and seemed like a good way to start the day. So, you headed down the stairs, past the living room and into the large kitchen. It was your favourite room in the whole house because even though your home was rather tiny, the kitchen had so much space to cook, bake or just hang out in. It used to be like the gathering place of your family when your brother was still around.

You placed the kettle with water onto the stove and turned it on, waiting for it to boil while you took out a tea pot, some tea bags and a cup. A few minutes later, the kettle started whistling irritatingly and you promptly pulled it away from the heat. After preparing your cup of tea you wandered back to the living room and let yourself fall onto the sofa. You closed your eyes and tilted back your head, trying to breathe as calmly as possible. The dreams you had had that night had been horrible. You’d seen your brother’s face too clearly, too intensely and you tried desperately to get the images out of your mind. Not because you wanted to stop thinking about him or even forget him. You loved the thought of your brother but not the ones that your sleeping brain provided you with. They were awful and all you wanted was to reminisce in memories from before the war. When everything had been alright. When life was almost carefree.

“Are you up already?”

Tommy’s groggy morning voice snapped you out of your thoughts.

You lifted your head back up and gave him a kind smile. “I had nightmares.”

He sighed compassionately and came over to you, sitting on the sofa as well. He wrapped his arms around your body and pulled you to his chest. “I’m sorry you’re still having trouble sleeping.”

“It’s okay,” you said, inhaling your boyfriend’s pleasant scent. “I won’t be able to sleep until you and my brother are back. It’ll have to get used to it.”

Tommy sighed again, this time more deeply than before. “That’s not something I like to hear.”

“I know, but there’s nothing you can do about it,” you explained. He started caressing your back gently. You stayed in Tommy’s arms for a while, sipping on your peppermint tea and after you watched the sun rise and slowly peek through the windows, you got up to make him a cup as well.

“I’ll get the mail,” Tommy announced from the living room while you were working in the kitchen. Then you heard the front door open and close. A few moments later, Tommy was back inside with the newspaper and two letters in his hands. You carried his cup to the dining table and set it down. He handed you the letters, sat on the chair in front of his tea and opened up the newspaper to read about yesterday’s events. He only just flipped over to the third page when you let out a high-pitched scream.

Tommy’s head shot up in concern. “Love, what is it?”

You were holding the yellowish piece of paper in both your trembling hands, tears running over your cheeks uncontrollably. The sobs escaping your mouth were heart-breaking. You tried to finish reading the words on the letter, but the tears made your sight go blurry.

Sir or Madam, I regret to have to inform you that a report has been received from the War Office to the effect that (No.) 1563 (Rank) 2Lt …

“No!” you cried out. “No, please no!”

Tommy pushed himself off his chair and rushed over to you, pulling you into a strong hug, as though he would never let you go. You cried into his chest, staining his nightshirt while mumbling incomprehensible words to yourself.

Tommy knew from the moment he saw the pain in your eyes, that the message on your brother’s passing had been delivered to your house. You felt your knees become week and Tommy immediately scooped you up, carrying you back to the sofa and placing you on his lap when he sat down, cradling you comfortingly. He tried soothing you with sweet kisses on your hair, but in that moment, nothing was able to get you out of the dark place you were in. Not even Tommy could change that.

You wept and sobbed and screamed and hiccupped. But the pain was unbearable. You felt like there wasn’t enough air for you to breathe and the knot in your chest made it hard for you to inhale.

“It hurts so much,” you cried, your body shaking violently in Tommy’s arms.

“I know, love. I know it hurts,” he murmured, giving you a kiss on the forehead. His thumb wiped away the wetness from your cheeks, unsuccessfully trying to dry them.

You started gasping for air. “I … can’t … breathe.”

“You need to calm down, love,” Tommy said, lifting your head from his chest to stop you from hyperventilating. “Please, try to calm down. Can you do that for me, love?”

You nodded panicky, scared by the loss of control over your body. Tommy cupped your face gently with his hands, looking deeply into your eyes. “I love you. So much.”

You whimpered, torn between the pain the death of your brother inflicted on your heart and Tommy’s gaze, so full of love and support.

“We’re going to get through this, together,” Tommy whispered, brushing his lips over yours. You melted into his touch, closing your eyes to savour the moment.

“I can’t lose you too,” you sobbed. Tears were gathering at the corners of your eyes yet again. The thought of him leaving ripping you apart internally. “Please don’t go.”

You knew, Tommy wouldn’t stay. And he didn’t. Joining his brothers in France, digging tunnels and going mad. Luckily though, unlike your sweet, sweet brother, he returned. Alive. You had hoped the return of the love of your life would make everything okay again. But it didn’t take you long to realise that despite Tommy being fortunate enough to survive the war, something in him had died. Still, you were determined to get him back, no matter what it took. He was all you had and all you needed. And there was nothing that kept you from helping him get through the hard times after these horrible four years. You were there for him and you knew, someday the love and effort you were putting into your relationship would be returned by Tommy. Just not today.  

[chrwrites]

SOFTober day 15: Magic

This one is longer than the others because I got carried away (I’m a sucker for Hogwarts AUs).

Juleka was tired of seeing her brother think about her friend and do nothing about it. She was tired of people telling her that he stayed up all night in the Ravenclaw Common Room to play his lyre and know what – who – he thought about while playing, so she decided to take the matter into her own hands.

It wasn’t anything dangerous, just a Love Potion to help him confess his feelings, not too strong to make him obsess over her (which he already did, so it was better not to stoke that up). If it worked, her older brother would have finally stopped moping about his unrequited feelings, and if he embarrassed himself in the process, Juleka wouldn’t have complained.

She was whistling happily as she added Powdered Moonstone to the brew, and when it was done Juleka added the last ingredient: one of Marinette’s hair from when she braided them last week.

She managed to slip some of the potion in Luka's breakfast tea while she put sugar in it for him, careful enough not to make him suspicious, and she watched him drink, waiting for the potion to have its immediate effect on him. But... nothing happened. He didn’t have wide eyes, he didn’t go pale, no blank stares, no rambling about Marinette and Marinette only… Nothing.

Luka got up from the Ravenclaw table and wished her a good day, not before happily saying, “This tea was delicious, thank you Jules!”, and ruffling her hair as he passed her by.

Did she brew it wrongly? That couldn’t be.

As the day went on, there were no signs of the potion having effects on him, and Juleka disappointedly looked for any mistakes she could have made on her book.

What she didn’t know was that the potion did have effect on him. He felt dizzy, and when he met Marinette for their study session in the library he was very tempted to praise her for just breathing and tell her how she was the music playing inside his head since the day they first met.

He had been so distracted during the lessons that day that he almost made his cauldron explode (he was lucky that Victoire noticed he was about to put Bulbadox powder instead of Powdered Root of Asphodel in the cauldron and stopped him).

He couldn’t get Marinette off his mind, it was nothing new, but he couldn’t understand where the urge to grab her face in his hand and kiss her fervently came from… Well, that was also always there but he managed to control it usually. Now he was fighting against himself and his body to hold still, and his hands were guiding hers on the Star Chart more than he would have normally let them. What in the name of Merlin was wrong with him? Yes, he liked her, maybe even more than like, but he would never push himself on her in that way.

“Are you okay? It looks like you forgot how to breathe”, Marinette asked, she looked concerned, and Luka found himself nodding. You could definitely make it better, be mine Marinette.

I love you Marinette

You’re extraordinary

And incredible

And smart

And talented

The bravest Gryffindor I know

And I love your freckles

And your smile

You're so sweet

You're beautiful

You don’t know how many poems I’ve written about your eyes

For Merlin’s sake, Luka!

He tried to gather himself together just to tell her, “Actually, my mu – Marinette”, he whispered, taking a deep breath before speaking again, “I don’t feel very well, would you mind if we skipped our study session today? Sorry”. He didn’t wait for her to answer him, and quickly put away his stuff before running out of the library, leaving a startled Marinette behind.

He made it into the first bathroom he found and washed his face, resting his hands on a chipped sink as he tried to catch his breath. He stared at his reflection in silence, he was paler than usual. All he could think about was how perfect Marinette was, about her peachy lips, and her silky hair…

Marinette, Marinette, Marinette.

“You look like you’re dying”, a high-pitched voice from behind him said, and he turned to find a floating silvery figure looking at him through big glasses and a wicked smile on her face.

“I-I’m okay…”, Luka cleared his throat.

“You don't look okay to me”, the ghost said and as she got closer to him her grin grew wider, “I wouldn’t mind sharing my bathroom with someone as pretty as you…”, and Luka just shook his head, trying to at least remain focused. But his mind was blurry and all he could see were Marinette's bluebell eyes and all he managed to do was take a few steps towards the door, “Thank you, Myrtle…” he chocked out, and left the bathroom to go back to his dormitory, maybe he just needed some rest…

Getting back to his dormitory was harder than he imagined, he tripped on the stairs on his way there, and rambled something nonsensical to get the door to open, which opened at his second attempt to answer its riddle. When he finally got to his bed, he let himself collapse in it fully clothed.

Luka didn’t go to the Great Hall to have dinner that evening, fearing that he would have done something very stupid that could have embarrassed him in front of Marinette, and instead chose to stay in his room and play his lyre, the same melody repeating louder and louder in his ears until everything got quieter and his feelings for Marinette weren’t making him feel like he was drowning.

Juleka went to check on him to find his little turquoise snake coiled around his neck, head resting peacefully on his shoulder, “Why didn’t you come to dinner?”, she asked.

“I got distracted”, he said, pointing at his lyre. It wasn’t a lie after all.

Juleka raised a brow at him, and a smile appeared on her face “Aww, you missed your chance to wish Marinette goodnight”, she teased, and just by hearing her name Luka’s thoughts went back to her. He tightened his hold on his lyre and looked away “Leave. Now.”, he said, but all he managed to do was throw his pillow at her.

The snake hissed when Juleka left cackling for no reason and moved to rest on Luka’s hand when he let out a frustrated sigh “I don’t know what’s going on with me, Sass…”.

Luka dreamt about Marinette that night, and it was sweeter and more lucid than all the thoughts he had during the day, and when he woke up, his mind was clear, and he could think about Marinette without feeling completely overwhelmed. He started to suspect that his sister had something to do with his behaviour, but decided to wait to question her, he couldn’t make a scene in the Great Hall. Marinette walked by him before going to class, and he smiled at her, relief filling his heart when he felt it flutter in the way he had gotten used to.

 “Well, a Fifth Year brewing a Love Potion by herself is pretty impressive”, Victoire said as they walked out of their last class for the day, and Luka just sighed, “Don’t Love Potions make you obsess over someone? I don’t think I was obsessed, I just felt the sudden urge to tell her how I felt”.

“And why didn’t you do that?”, the blonde walking next to him asked.

“You know why”, he groaned. He didn’t really want to repeat how he didn’t want to push his feelings on her because she didn’t like him that way and he enjoyed being with her as a friend.

“If you payed more attention at Professor Mendeleiv, you’d know that Love Potions can enhance feelings that are already there”, Victoire pointed out, and Luka’s eyes widened at the realisation.

“Would you guess who’s coming your way!”, Victoire interrupted his thoughts again and pointed at the corridor ahead of them. Marinette was running towards him, and right before she reached them, she tripped on her feet – just like he did the day before – and Luka promptly caught her. Victoire mentioned something about seeing someone and left them alone, and the corridor quickly emptied from the students walking back to their dormitories.

Marinette looked up at him and her cheeks turned a beautiful shade of pink, “I-I need to talk to you”, she said as she scrambled to put some distance between them. Her hands were shaking and when she pulled away from Luka’s steady embrace, she started to feel so dizzy she fell onto him again, “Marinette are you okay?”, there was worry in his voice, and the thought that she was sharing the same destiny as him – maybe worse – crossed his mind.

“I’m fine”, Marinette managed to say, but Luka didn’t listen as he was too focused in finding a solution for her. He wasn’t ready to brew an antidote, so the only thing Luka could do was take her to the Hospital Wing, that's why he grabbed her hand and dragged her with him.

“Luka, wait!”, she stopped abruptly, and Luka turned to her, “Marinette, trust me, I’m doing this for you”, he said patiently, and he tried to pull her with him again unsuccessfully.

She was standing still, but her breath caught in her throat as she prepared to say what she wanted to tell him, Luka was still looking at her in the eyes, trying to catch any other sign that she might have been under the influence of a love potion.

“I like you”, she blurted out after what felt like an eternity. If Luka had been in another situation, he would have been beaming, he would have grabbed her into his arms and would have kissed her like he dreamt of doing. But no, reality had to be different and she had to be under a spell to tell him so! What a joke.

“It’s better if we talk about this after Madam Pomfrey takes care of you…”, he said, his voice low.

“What are you talking about? I’m perfectly fine!”, there was determination in her voice, and a spark he had never seen lit her eyes, “I come here after you leave me alone in the library without saying a word because I want to tell you what that made me realize and you think I should be visited by Madam Pomfrey? Oh no, now you listen to me, Luka Couffaine.”

Luka gulped, not knowing what to do, having her say those words to him was already enough, he didn’t need a whole speech about it, he needed her to feel better so they could have behaved like friends again.

“I like you, a lot. Not in that I like you as a friend way. I really like you. And yes, it took me not seeing you smile at me from your House’s table to realize and I spent the night worrying about you and not asking Juleka how you were because I don’t know what she’d think about it. And when I saw you this morning you were okay and I didn’t worry anymore. You smiled at me and I was happy, and I felt like I could do anything. I don’t know why I didn’t tell you before, but I like you. And the fact that you want me to be visited for that is really insulting”.

Luka was speechless, she sounded so… lucid. He gave himself some time to process her words, and he moved closer to her. In that moment, he realized that he had never let her hand go. He took a slow, deep breath, and squeezed her hand delicately, trying to find the courage to ask her one last question before giving in to his feelings.

“Do you really mean this? I mean, you don’t feel dizzy or anything right? It’s not like someone – like my sister, for example – gave you something to drink and you suddenly felt like this, right?”, he asked warily, and winced to prepare himself for an affirmative answer.

Oh, he was so going to hex Juleka if that was the case.

Marinette frowned at his question but answered anyway, “I tell you Luka, I am perfectly fine. I don’t understand what is up with you but I’m okay and I’m not lying and I wanted to ask you out but if you don’t like me that’s fine just don’t come up with lame excuses as – her words died in her mouth as his lips pressed into hers. The warm feeling made her heart beat faster, and she moved her hands to the back of his neck to deepen the kiss. It was sweet and gentle, but also full of longing. He felt him smile on her lips before he parted from her, brushing his thumb on her cheek and pressing his forehead onto hers. Suddenly, he started laughing.

“What?”, Marinette asked, and a puzzled look formed on her face. Oh, she was so cute.

“We can talk about this later, now there’s something else I’d rather do”, Luka grinned and pulled her in another kiss.

When their lips met again, he thought that he wouldn't mind feeling dizzy because of her.

[one-boring-person]

Hi! I had an idea for a David (lost boys)/reader fic if you're interested! Basically David finds his soulmate or mate, whatever you call it and he's doing everything in his power to get her to turn. Like she already knows what he and the guys are and they both are crazy about each other, but she's stuck on the idea of having to kill in order to survive. And David is doing everything from his usual mysterious behavior to down right pleading her to turn so they can be together forever? Thank you!

Thank you for requesting something! I hope this is satisfactory😁😅(I'm sorry if it's a bit cringy)

**

Please?

David (The Lost Boys) x reader

Warnings: mentions of blood and violence, mentions of death

Masterlist

He'd found me six months ago, a lone figure on the Boardwalk with a nervous disposition, jumping and tensing whenever someone nearby suddenly yells or shouts over the cheery music playing in the background, eyes wide at the variety of characters lining the bright streets. I hadn't initially felt the connection between us, but he tells me he'd been drawn to me instantly, somehow feeling the urge to search the crowd until he eventually found me, though he hung back, unwilling to give me any further shock, what with his rather intimidating appearance. It took him a month to finally introduce himself, and even then I'd been a little wary of his confident approach, but I'd soon gotten to know him well enough for him to reveal his secret to me, and to explain to me what the mate bond between us is. As soon as he did this, however, he started asking me the one thing I'd always have to refuse him - if I'd turn for him.

The idea didn't sit well with me, it never had and undoubtedly never will, the thought of having to intentionally kill people in order to survive, not to mention drinking their blood, making me feel sick to the stomach. It has nothing to do with him, or the others, of course; in fact, I've had the best time of my life with them, slowly gaining more confidence as time goes on, falling harder and harder for the platinum blonde mullet wearing vampire, so much so that I would stay with him for an eternity, if it didn't mean slaughtering hundreds of innocent people. I've told him this thousands of times, every time he's tried to get me to turn, but my reasons always fall on deaf ears, the vampire being stubborn and unyielding to the point where he started utilising his incredibly cunning mind to try and convince me. He's tried everything, bribing me with dates and gifts, threatening (unsuccessfully) to leave me and even getting the other boys to talk to me. At some point, he even asked Max for help, but apparently the head vampire could only laugh at David's predicament.

And even after all his failed tricks, he still hasn't given up, which explains why we're currently sat, a metre or so apart, on the beach, my mind having instinctually told me to put space between us when he first brought it up again, a grim expression on my face.

"What's not to like, (Y/n)? Immortality, enhanced senses, flying..." He encourages, giving me the same speech as always, just worded slightly differently.

"Killing people..." I mumble irritably, carrying on the same tone, as if reading out a list, crossing my arms across my chest.

He chuckles, the sound reverberating around my skull as it always does, a smile tempting my lips as I hear it, having always loved the sound of his laugh, even before we officially got together.

"Yes, but I've told you before: you don't think about it once you've done it, and the thrill-"

"Overshadows the guilt, I know. You've told me about a thousand times." I finish for him, knowing he's smirking at my words, though I refuse to give him the satisfaction of looking in his direction, aware of the fact that he's most likely staring at me and able to see me in the dark, what with his vampire vision and all.

"So I don't see why you can't just accept what I'm offering you." He pushes, the vampire taking a drag from the cigarette in his hand, blowing the smoke out a few seconds later with an audible sigh.

Rolling my eyes, I clench my jaw before replying, annoyed that I have to go over it all again.

"Because, unlike you four, I'm not used to drinking blood every night, and I'm most definitely not used to killing people to get it, and the whole idea of doing either one of those things is not one I even want to think about! We've been through this countless times, and every time you just ignore me. Maybe it's time you actually listened, for a change." I snap at him, shocked at my own tone, though it is understandable after all the pestering he's put me through in the last five months.

For once, David is silent, somehow unable to come back with a witty comment or remark, a first for the cocky vampire.

"Maybe that's because I don't want to hear another rejection. I'm just as tired of this as you are, (Y/n)." He finally admits, voice uncharacteristically quiet.

"Then why do you keep doing it?!" I exclaim,  looking over at him to find that he has his head bowed, though I can tell from his posture that he is uncomfortable.

"Because I want to spend eternity with you! It's got nothing to do with the bond or whatever, I genuinely love you!" David retorts, voice laced with raw emotion, a sigh escaping his lips as he tries to calm himself, "At this point, I've run out of ideas so I've got nothing better to try than this."

Confused, I go to speak, only to be cut off when I feel his leather clad finger against my lips, telling me to keep quiet, his hands moving to hold onto mine as he goes to kneel in front of me, taking a deep breath.

"Look, I don't do this often, and it will very likely never happen again, so know that I am being as sincere as I can be. I want you to turn because I can't face an eternity without you. I've felt alone for the longest time, even with the boys hanging around it's nothing compared to how I feel when I'm with you. You make me feel as if I still belong in the world, and that I'm not some abomination that was created to spite the traditional idea of living then dying. I know the idea of killing people isn't a pleasant one, but I swear to you that it gets easier, and controlling yourself can also help with this. You don't necessarily have to kill anyone, and drinking blood doesn't sound as bad when you're like me; it's just like drinking normally, but much more satisfying trust me." He stops for a moment, looking down briefly as I try to come to terms with this new approach, barely recognising the needy vampire before me, "Please, (Y/n), I need you to stay with me. I need someone to ground me as much as you do. I, well, I don't tho k I'll be able to face the rest of my life without you. Please turn, (Y/n), please. For my sake?"

For a couple of minutes, I remain silent, my eyes wide at David's heartfelt words; I knew he loved me, but I never realised just how strongly he does, the ulterior meaning behind the words making me feel much happier about the relationship. I soon find my voice, my mind spinning from the different outlook on what he's been trying to get me to do, my response a little shaky.

"Are you begging me, David?" Is all I can manage, my head still trying to wrap itself around the idea. David doesn't beg, not for anything.

He seems to stumble over what to say, until it clicks that that is, in fact, what he is doing.

"It's the only way I can think of that will convince you, (Y/n), so yes, I am begging you to turn and stay with me until the end of our days. Please, (Y/n). I'm begging you."

Again, I take some time to myself, rubbing my thumbs over his gloved hands to reassure him a little, a low ache starting in my head as I think it through properly. I'd never considered that he had become dependant on my attention, but it makes sense: he's spent so long living as the leader of a group of unruly boys that he's most likely missed out on the affection and care that comes with having a lover, so much so that it's made him needy enough to beg for me to join them properly. We'd be able to spend endless days together, enjoying the perks of being immortal vampires through the decades, and God knows I crave doing that, spending time with the vampire I've come to love with all I have to give. But, as always, one thing keeps me from agreeing on the spot.

My thoughts stray to the imaginary images my mind conjured up, recalling the visions of terrified people being torn into by a ravenous, vampiric version of me, dying at my hands simply because I need to feed. But what he'd said earlier strikes a chord within me, reminding me that I don't have to kill, if I learn how to control myself before I become addicted to the thrill.

"(Y/n)?" His concerned voice breaks through the trance-like state I've put myself in, shaking me from my thoughts. I look him in what I think to be the eye, relaxing myself a little before speaking.

"David, I honestly want to spend eternity with you, I really do, but I have to consider the whole killing thing again. You say I can learn to control myself, but none of you guys can, not even Dwayne, who is one of the most controlled people I know. It terrifies me, honestly, having the choice to kill someone or let them live, depending on how hungry I am, and then almost always choosing to kill them anyway, because the bloodlust is just too strong. You have no idea how much that scares me." I confess to him, looking down at my lap in the dark, hoping he won't see the embarrassed flush rising to my cheeks. Quietly, he shuffles around until he's sat beside me again, wrapping his arm around my body and pulling me into his chest as he always does, letting me muzzle into him for comfort, breathing in the familiar scents that always accompany him.

"We can all help you, (Y/n), and you know that I will never give up on you, no matter how stubborn you get. I want, no, need to spend the rest of my life with you, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make sure that happens." He says to me, voice low and comforting as he buries his face into my hair, holding me tighter against him.

"I believe you, David. I just need time to think." I reply, moving my head so that I can look up at him, knowing his icy blue eyes will be focused on me.

"I'll give you time, (Y/n), but you know how impatient I get."

I giggle quietly, reaching up to brush a strand of platinum blonde hair back into its correct place.

"I promise you, David, I will make a decision soon, but if I do turn, you have to swear to me you will help me try not to kill people. Please?" I assure him, watching him for a reaction, though it is nearly impossible in the black night.

"Of course, I'll do anything for you." David hums in agreement, leaning down to capture my lips in a gentle kiss, lifting a hand to cup my face, pulling me closer as I gladly reciprocate.

Pulling away, he rests his chin on top of my head as I return my face to his chest, intent on staying there until he has to move, knowing he is only too happy to oblige.

"I love you, David." I whisper to him carefully, resting a hand on his chest.

"I love you, too." He replies, his voice low as he murmurs this into my hairline, pressing a quick kiss there as his hands continue to caress my sides and back, lulling me into a sense of safety and comfort.

[stardusttrashed]

Dancing in the Moonlight

Based on Dancing in the Moonlight by Alt-J

A/n: y/n’s quirk is both earth and water manipulation, but she hasn’t quite got the hang of using both at the same time

You shifted your foot in the soil, digging into the dirt slightly. The soil was cool beneath your aching feet, providing a smidge of comfort. Steadying your breath you focused on the air filling your lungs. You held your breath as your arms moved into place, the limbs fluid like water. Your eyes fluttered shut as you drifted into a deep concentration. You formed a dirt wall in front of you by turning your foot and prepared your water for the next part of your attack.

“It’s almost curfew,” a familiar voice called out, breaking your concentration. The water you had been gathering with your arms splashed out of control, soaking your shift before seeping into the ground. You muttered swears to yourself as you turned around. Todoroki gave you an apologetic look, “sorry. I didn’t mean to mess up your concentration.”

You relaxed your shoulders and smiled tenderly. “You’re out late, everything alright?” You picked up your water bottle and sipped from it, maintaining eye contact. You unsuccessfully attempted to keep your eyes from drifting down his body and focus on his. But you couldn’t. As beautiful and enchanting as his heterochromia eyes were, you couldn’t help but take in the rest of him. He was in his casual clothes but seemed far from getting ready for bed. His button-up shirt hid his slim yet muscular form making him seem almost lanky. 

Todoroki’s eyes drifted down to the ground, focusing on his shoes. “Yeah. I was heading to bed and saw you out here.” That wasn’t completely the truth, but it also wasn’t a complete lie. Truth be told he had been looking around the dorm for you since you weren’t up to hanging out with everyone else. Quite frankly he missed your presence. He missed being able to look around and spot you or feel your warmth fill the room. He had excused himself from the group to go find you. 

He spotted you through a window and watched you for almost an hour before he got himself to walk over. All he could see was a silhouette in the moonlight, but he knew instantly it was you.  You were the only one he could think of with movements so graceful yet firm like bamboo in the wind. 

You watched him for another moment, waiting to see if he’d bring his eyes back up to yours. “Well… since you’re awake,” you took a deep breath, trying to calm yourself. Being around him filled your stomach with butterflies and made thinking clearly a troublesome task. And yet there was always a sense of familiarity with him like you’ve known him for years. You busied yourself by fixing your bun. “Feel like helping a friend out with some sparring? Won’t get better with my quirk if I don’t use it in combat situations.” 

It was nearly ten and he knew he should say no. Tell you that you both should go to bed. Or even that you shouldn’t fight out here. But he couldn’t, not with you looking at him like that. You were his kryptonite in so many ways, yet even he was oblivious to it. “Any rules?” He shrugged off his button-down shirt and walked closer.

You popped up to your tiptoes in excitement. “No holding back. And don’t get caught by Aizawa,” you shrugged as if it was simple knowledge. The smirk on his lips sent a rush down your spine. You dug your toes into the dirt, readying your defensive stance. 

Todoroki stood in front of you casually. Without any signal, he sent a rushing wave of ice along the ground. He knew you, watched you fight enough to know you weren’t one to underestimate. Even if you didn’t always have a good handle on your quirk. 

You lifted the ground beneath you, using it as a stepping stool to launch yourself onto the icy floor. You skated towards him, narrowly avoiding a blast from his flashfreeze heatwave. With a flick of your wrist, you transformed his ice into a water barrier. You swung your arms to guide the water into a rushing wall that encircled you and him. A look of surprise crossed his face, quickly replaced by an impressed smile. 

“When’d you learn how to do this,” Todoroki asked cooly, his smile suppressing itself into a smirk. 

“Like I’d tell,” you smirked proudly. The cool summer breeze provided a refreshing feeling and pushed your stray strands into your face. “But I did have inspiration.” You searched his eyes wondering if he’d pick up that he was your inspiration, but all you received was a blank stare. With a sigh, you flicked your finger, guiding a small burst of water towards his back as a sneak attack. 

“Try again,” he chuckled in an almost cocky manner as he froze the burst and wall. The ice block fell to the ground with a loud clatter, shattering into dozens of ice bits. “Nice try though.” The ground around your feet began to quickly freeze, trying to latch onto your feet. 

You formed a flight of stairs out of the ground as you tried to escape the lighting fast ice that engulfed everything in its path. “Is the famous Todoroki talking trash,” you teased him as you leaped off the highest step with a graceful flip. You formed a small wave to help guide you back to the ground. Before you could attempt another escape Todoroki sent ice shards towards you that froze your wave and feet along with it. 

Todorki shrugged confidently, “just an observation. Looks like I won.” He shoved his hands into his pocket and tried to turn around to go get his shirt, but his feet wouldn’t budge. He looked down with a dumbfounded expression at his buried feet. You had somehow managed to trap his feet into a dirt prison without him feeling. 

You suppressed your giggles and took advantage of his momentary guard drop, sending a wave of water towards him. You rode on the tail of the wave, watching as it soaked him, unfortunately breaking your dirt prison. “You didn’t think I’d give up that easy with you, did you,” you asked as you landed a short distance in front of him. 

He looked up at you through his drenched hair, the water dripping into his eyes slowly. “I hoped you didn’t.” You looked absolutely gorgeous under the moonlight. It was hard to admire you and fight you at the same time, but that didn’t deter him. He adored the way the two strands in your face were slowly starting to curl from a mixture of sweat and mist in the air. He loved watching this new side of you with your quirk. In class trainings you always seemed to have a hard time using both aspects of your quirk at once, but now you were doing it almost effortlessly. He began to wonder if it was all an act. If you were holding back in class to keep everyone from knowing how strong you were. 

“Hey, stop staring at me like that.” A blush crept onto your cheeks and you made the ground roll beneath him so he wouldn’t see. He stumbled backward, unable to catch himself before falling onto the ground. 

“Like what?” He turned the ground into ice and formed a wall behind you, bringing you towards him. You came in faster than he expected, crashing into him as he stood up. Todoroki wrapped a protective arm around your waist to steady the both of you. The close contact drove him crazy and all he could do was hope it did the same to you. His cheeks flushed as he looked into your eyes again. 

“Like-,” your breath became uneasy. His strong arm around your waist made your mind hazy while his tender eyes sent you into a drunken state. You couldn’t even escape his grasp with your quirk if you wanted to, it required too much concentration that you didn’t have. “Like that. You keep it up and I might have to kiss you,” you scoffed, assuming that’d help him let go of you. To your surprise, he continued to hold you. If anything he pulled you closer. 

“Can I?” His voice was no more than a whisper, his breath ghosting over your lips. He couldn’t tell if it was the summer heat that made him so warm or his embarrassment from having you so close. 

You let out a nervous laugh, “this isn’t very funny Shoto.” His unwavering expression settled your nerves slightly. He meant it. The boy you’d been crushing on since your first year really meant it. Two whole years of doubt and worry that your feelings weren’t returned. You opened your mouth to speak, but nothing could find its way past your lips so you simply nodded. 

His palm cupped your cheek carefully as if you were the most delicate thing in the world. Now that he finally had the chance to make his fantasy come true he seemed to be frozen in time. He knew he had your permission, but he was still nervous out of his mind. He wanted to make sure he did it right. Make sure he wouldn’t disappoint. He allowed himself to get lost in your eyes, ingraining you into his brain. 

With a soft giggle and an eye roll, you wrapped your arms his neck, pulling him down to you. You gingerly pressed your lips against his, his wet hair resting against your forehead. Without hesitation, he pulled you flush against him and pressed his lips against yours. You took it as a sign to continue, deepening the kiss. Your heart poured itself out onto his lips, letting go of everything you held onto for years. His soft lips were warmer than you thought they’d be. 

Todoroki craved more, wanting to devour you. Your taste was even more intoxicating than you were. He would give anything to make this moment last forever, but his growing struggle to breathe said otherwise. He would gladly suffocate in your presence just to keep holding you close. 

You reluctantly broke the kiss, your breath escaping your lips in small pants. “I can’t tell you how long I’ve wanted to do that.” You opened your eyes to catch him admiring you once again causing you to blush. 

“Me either, but I don’t want to wait that long before we do it again.” He caught your chin between his thumb and forefinger, guiding you to look up at him. “Pardon my forwardness, but I like you- a lot.” His ocean eye lured you in closer while his fiery eye set the butterflies in your stomach ablaze. “I think I have for a while now.”

“I like you too,” you spoke softly as you swooped his hair out of his face. “And I’d really like to kiss you more often. If that’s okay with you?” The blush on his cheeks slowly crept over to his ears, making him almost as red as his hair. “Same time tomorrow?”

“Of course. I’d be honored to see more of your skills.” He looked at your smirk with a confused expression before it finally clicked. “I meant with your quirk,” he added sheepishly. “Not that I would mind seeing other things. Not- not in that sense.” He sighed in frustration as he stumbled over his words.

You cut him off with a quick kiss on his lips. “It’s fine, I’m just giving you a hard time. Come on, it’s getting late,” you slipped out of his arms, missing his warmth already. You gathered all of the water out of his clothes and hair and disbursed it into the grass. He smiled at you gratefully before picking up his shirt. 

As you both walked back to the dorms you felt his hand slip into your, holding on softly. The walk was comfortably quiet as the two of you basked in each other’s presence. You decided to take the stairs to avoid being too loud. And to give yourselves more time together before you split off to your separate rooms. 

“Good night Y/n,” Todoroki whispered as he stood in your doorway.

“More like morning,” you teased him. “It is 3 in the morning after all.”

He chuckled quietly, “I suppose it is… I guess I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah.” You chewed on your bottom lip as you tried to think of an excuse to keep him by your side longer. “Unless you want to stay,” you decided to jump out with it, immediately regretting your decision. 

Todoroki stared at you while he thought it over. Every passing second felt like an eternity and you wanted nothing more than to crawl into a hole and never come out. “If you wouldn’t mind.”

The two of you laid in your bed, limbs entangled, allowing the sound of the other’s breath to lull you to sleep. One bold move after another had made way for a new summer ritual. Every night you’d both sneak out around 10 to go fight or talk and wouldn’t return until 3 in the morning. It was something you both looked forward to. A loving constant that only made the both of you fall head over heels. Though it was never outright said, during one of those nights you had transformed from friends to something more. Night escapades merged into afternoon moments of public affection and the rest of class 1-A was here for it. Your late-night fights would slowly become a show, two silhouettes dancing in the moonlight as mist and smoke floated in the air.

[iwantutobehapppier]

A Habit

Part four in an on going series, you can read the previous pieces: Just Ask, You Belong and Mine. Next and final part is Convalescence 

Pairing: Dark!Steve Rogers x Reader

Summary: Five months since Thanos snapped his fingers you and Steve find yourselves at a cross road. Can you two find your way back to each other or is the pain of everything too much to take.

Warnings: Endgame spoilers-ish, Forced orgasms, Non-consent, dubious consent maybe, choking, constraints, and unprotected sex, and I think cursing. 18 an older only, do not read if under the age of 18. This isn’t for everyone, if any of these situations bother you please read no further.

Word Count: 4,578

A/N: UUh not sure what to say this time, shit gets real dark guys. Feedback always welcomed. Enjoy!

The plan had been made, find Thanos, take the stones and bring everyone back but it didn’t go according to anyone’s plan. Thor left with his people as they settled New Asgard, Tony on a lake preparing for fatherhood, and the rest of you trying to find a sense of normalcy by going back to the compound, doing whatever any of you could outside of the one thing that was needed.

You turned to you side, the Egyptian sheets on the bed a welcomed luxury, facing Steve’s back the muscles tensing and relaxing sporadically giving away that he was awake. You watched his muscles dance while the same words repeating over and over in your head from the space ship months ago.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do if it doesn’t.”

You were both left with people you didn’t know anymore. The space between the two of you full of failure, loss and uncertainty. You went to reach for him but paused, the distance kept growing, both of you hurting but unsure how to piece each other back together, unsure it was even do able. He hadn’t kissed let alone touched you since it happened. Yet you both slept in the same bed, held shallow conversations, neither of you trying to push the other, afraid it’d all break. You were both so desperate for the habit you brought each other. You couldn’t live this way anymore though; either you broke and fell apart or you broke and built each other back up.

Without thinking it over much further you place your hand on his shoulder pulling him gently towards you. Within moments he was over you, with the offending wrist in his hand above your head, the forearm of his other arm pressed against your larynx. He his eyes wide but there was an unsettling vacancy in his eyes.

“St-Steve,” you gasped using you free hand to slap his forearm. The pressure on your larynx increased and you began to truly panic, your legs flailing on attempt to buck him off. This brought him back, he moved to his knees looking down at his hands in disgust.

“Steve,” your voice scratchy from the pressure, you slid your hands into his large palms. His head snapping up to look at you but he never wrapped his hands around yours. You went to entwine your fingers with his, so desperate to feel close to him. He pulled away and stood up from the bed, heading towards the door.

“Steven Grant Rogers do not leave me.” You tried to sound stern but it came out more of a desperate plea. His body stilled facing the door, silence reigned between you for far longer than you liked.

“I can’t,” his voice was gruff from disuse “I can’t fight anymore.” You felt your heart break at his words. You moved to stand behind him embracing him, pushing the side of your face into his back.

“You don’t have to fight,” you felt him turn in your embrace but you wouldn’t look up, you couldn’t see the look on his face. Burrowing your face into his chest this time you held him, unwilling to just let him walk away without talking.

He called your name out so gentle it was almost like a prayer. You shook your head not wanting to look up, but he called your name once more, taking a hold of your chin lifting your face up. You tried to blink away the tears threatening to spill unsuccessfully.

“I love you Steve, I need you. I need you to touch me. I need you to love me.” You were willing to let it break but you believed in all your heart you would build each other back up. He just had to know there was still something left to feel, something left to get up for.

His face contorted and the look his face took on made you increasingly uncomfortable, sliding your arms out from around him placing them at your side. It was predatory look that held no kindness, you took a few steps back, and he mimicked each one towering over you. There was malice and pain etched in that furrowed brow.

“You need me to touch you?” He sneered gripping your throat, titling your face up to him at a drastic angle, his head bent down to keep direct eye contact watching his pupils widen and the blue recede.

“You want me to love you?” his lips pressed against yours unyielding. He bit your lower lip using your gasp to his advantage shoving his tongue in your mouth. Taking command of you with every touch and swipe of his tongue, his aggressive touch awaking something within you as you dug your nails into his arms. His eye stayed open looking at you with a level of desire and intensity you couldn’t handle closing yours eyes you shivered.  

“Let me show you how I can love you,” he shoved you onto the bed eliciting a gasp from you when he pulled you legs apart and held your hands at the side of your head.

You became increasingly aware at your lack of clothing, his hardening cock in his pajama pants pressing against your underwear while your night shirt rode up your stomach. He returned to kissing you roughly pinned beneath him, you attempted to soften the kisses wanting to break though this rough exterior.

He growled at your efforts and ripped your shirt from the collar down for punishment. Your look of surprise was met with a devious smirk, both of his hands griping you exposed breasts roughly. Pulling and pinching your nipples, he continued his assault of your senses, biting at your neck harder than ever before. You were expecting to taste blood when he took your lips once more. Unwilling to be a bystander and letting this continue you slapped him, the force enough to pull his lips from yours, a red mark blooming on the offended cheek. The breath he heaved out was gurgling, his hands stilled on your breast and you began to panic.

He sat up between your legs and pulled your torn shirt off you, he ripped it completely in half. He took both your hands and placed your arms behind your back causing you to lie on your bent arms, using half of the tattered shirt he wrapped it around each wrist and tightened it with a well made military knot. Pulling on the fabric he grinned down at you satisfied with his work. “That should keep those hands to yourself.”

Without another word he flipped you onto your stomach and pulled you up to your knees at the same time, leaving you face down in the bed, completely exposed to him. You turned your head to the side, struggling against the bonds earning you a hard slap on the ass stilling you at the sting. He jerked your underwear down your legs, stopping at your knees. You heard clothing rustle behind followed by the warmth from the tip of his cock prodding your entrance. “You’re scaring me, please stop.”  

A dark chuckle fell from his lips “Oh, now you want me to stop?” he replied while dragging the head of his cock up and down your slit; pressing against your clit then dipping down to your unprepared opening but going in no further.

“I thought you wanted me to love you?” He trails the head back up to your clit, circling around arousing you despite your fear. Your body on auto pilot; only knowing to respond to his touch with arousal despite your growing fear.

“Make up your mind, doll face,” the normal term of endearment full of sarcasm and dark intentions. He continued rubbing your clit with the head of his cock, causing an unwanted moan to pull from your lips. You couldn’t control yourself; he chuckled once more at your response.

You wanted to tell him no, you wanted to plead with him that this was your fault for pushing him and he could stop before. Your words failed you. He moved the head of his cock back at your entrance spurring you to struggle again, rocking your body side to side in attempts to delay him. He took one hand and gripped the back of your neck, the other held the make shift rope around your wrists pulling your arms up to almost painful stretch stilling your movements.

“This is all I can give you but you,” his voice was deceivingly soft and you squeeze your eyes shut trying to will this whole mistake away. He began sliding in and it burned the little arousal he gave not enough to prepare you for his size. “You will give me everything.” he pushed the rest of the way in without any pause pulling a cry of pain from your lips.

Your body went slack, only being held up by his grip. He let out a hiss as he slowly pulled back. “You’re so tight,” he gritted his teeth, and then slid back in faster provoking a moan from your lips. Despite the pain, the feeling of him inside you always felt so good, that stretching and sense of full that he gave you.

He removed his grip on the back of your neck, you could hear him lick his fingers then felt them on your clit with soft gentle movements at first as he slid in and out at a slow pace. You lifted your head up moaning out, all your weight bearing down on your shoulders and knees. He chuckled deep in his gut and used your tied hands to pull you back and forth faster your growing arousal easing the movement. The sound of your skin slapping against one another increasing in tempo, he quickened his ministrations on your clit causing the pressure to build up faster than you anticipated.

He leaned over your body, caging you beneath him, his other hand letting go of your tied hands to support his weight on his bent elbow. He slammed into you so rough, the pace unforgiving and force punishing.  It was suffocating, in a way you had never felt with his hand around your neck. He was taking possession of you, commanding your body out of desperation instead of love and you would give it to him, give him everything just as he demanded.

Before you knew was happening you felt the snap, crying out in pleasure into the mattress, you could faintly hear him talking to you as his pace became erratic. You could feel that telling sensation of him swelling inside of you. Both of you chasing a feeling that felt foreign now. His cum rushing into you pushed a whimper past your lips, the feeling of it leaking down your thighs as he flooded you a welcoming familiar sensation.

Steve sat back up on his knees, remaining inside you, still hard, the lack of intimacy between the two of you leaving him ready once more. You whimpered this time in fear instead of pleasure. You weren’t sure you could take the brutality again. Without a word he laid you both on your sides, pushing your back and tied arms against his chest, never leaving your tight heat. You whimpered as the pain radiated in your arms, you wanted to ask him to untie you but he hushed you and quickly untied your arms. The release of your muscles in that uncomfortable position ached relentlessly.  

You pulled your arms in front of you trying to soothe the ache around your wrists by rubbing them. He gave you this moment so he could pulled your underwear completely off your legs. You tried to curl into yourself but he quickly slinked his arm underneath you and around your neck keeping the pressure gently but pulling your head up. His other hand took your top leg and brought it backwards to wrap around his thigh, giving him the advantage to piston into you once again, the force still rough but with a languid pace.

The slow pace was dragging you into sensory overload, your body trying to come down but he sought to keep the pleasure coursing through you. Not willing to fight the pleasure any longer, as it was inevitable you grinded back into him, his breath hot on your face as he groaned out your name.

“That’s it,” he murmured into your hair, rubbing his face into you inhaling your scent deeply as his thrusts jarred your body, his hand on your neck keeping you in place. You closed your eyes tightly, chasing the growing feeling inside you; you didn’t care anymore if he didn’t want you, if he didn’t love you. You were his. Reaching a hand back you gripped the back of his head pulling his hair. He growled and returned to his punishing pace. You began to slam your hips back into his and he surged forward each time. You knew you were moaning too loud by now, too far gone and hurt to care you pulled at his hair more, trying to will him to give you what you needed. You didn’t know where you would land once this was over but one thing was certain, you finally found out what Steve would do if he failed to bring everyone back.

The grip around your neck tightened and he began to rub your clit, pulling you from your thoughts back to him. It was always him. You cried out around his hold, his attention wearing your body down and keying it up all at once. You could feel his grin against your head, his brutal stride continuing to batter and satisfy you all at once.

You felt the coil snap inside; you couldn’t and didn’t care to stop the scream that tore from your lips at its intensity. This felt better than anything in the past five months. You convulsed and his grip around your neck lessened, Steve continued his pace as he neared his own end. He was whispering something over and over; you could barely make out his words as you slowly came down.

“I love you, I love you,” he was chanting it into your hair only to stop and pull you back into him with his hand while thrusting into you one final time, he flooded you once more. You let go of your hold on his hair and began to gently pat his head. He convulsed around you this time, softening inside you but not pulling out. When he curled up he pulled you deeper into him enfolding you around his arms. The warmth of his body and the exhaustion setting in lulled you to sleep quickly as he kept murmuring the same words into your hair.

-

Staring in the distance of thick forest beyond the compound your arms wrapped around yourself trying to fight off the dusk chill setting in. You didn’t know how long you had been sitting on the bench in front of the lake staring off into the distance. All you knew was you couldn’t go back to that room.

There had been that growing darkness in him since Siberia. His touches rough, trying to imprint something on you, there had been that desire to impregnate you for a while which brought on a hard pill to swallow when you both learned your chances to conceive were slim. He had continued though, convinced he could do the impossible. You had worried back then he was trying to use a child as a tool to keep you by him always after he lost himself following the Accords fall out. He anchored who he was on you, and if you weren’t his or him yours who was he, who were you for that matter? Bucky being around had helped but he was gone, so many of them were gone.

You sneered as you realized you got what you wanted, you two certainly broke.

You heard foot steps behind you, dread set in. You weren’t ready to face him yet, not after both of your actions last night. The footsteps stopped beside the bench; weakly you turned your head trying to prepare yourself to face him and the consequences of your actions.

A sigh of relief escaped your lips, it was Rhodey. Without thinking you jumped up and wrapped your arms around his neck hugging him, needing some kind of gentle touch. It took him a few seconds but he wrapped his arms around you one around your back the other patting your head.

“Hey, it’s okay,” his words hushed trying to calm you down, when did you start crying? It didn’t matter anymore as you felt your body convulse in sobs.

It was a bit until you calmed down enough to let go of him. Rhodey smiled at you wiping your cheeks. You both sat on the bench, leaning your head on his shoulder he patted your hands in your lap. You could feel a small sense of peace taking you over, crying helping you release some of the pain over what had occurred in the past 12 hours.  

“Let’s get you back to your Cap, I think you need that golden boy treatment.” The words were a slap in the face but you worked hard not to express it outwardly. You wouldn’t let anyone know what happened last night, not sure if that was more for Steve than for you. Refusing to go back to him would raise suspicion but could you see him again so soon? What would you say to him? What would he say to you? You left before he woke up, and hadn’t been back inside since, spending most the day walking around the compound grounds or just staring. You hadn’t eaten since dinner last night. The thought of food made you nauseous however maybe you could use this an excuse to not see Steve just yet.

“You know,” you paused and clear your throat as your voice was rough from being silent all day. “I think I’ll get food first. I suddenly have a big appetite after that good cry,” you pushed forth a smile, keeping eye contact hoping Rhodey would buy it.

“Oh-okay.” He sounded half convinced but unsure if he should press you further given your delicate state. You wanted to frown at that, most men really couldn’t handle the intensity of emotions whether theirs or others. You hugged Rhodey one last time before thanking him and walking back to the compound.

-

You sat at the kitchen bar, picking at the plate of leftovers in front of you. Natasha’s voice could be heard muffled in the back doing some kind of debriefing. Natasha had taken lead, Steve unsure of returning to a leadership position of any kind since the Accords. Given his behavior last night that might have been the smartest thing he had done in the past 2 years. Shaking your head to push away the reminder of last night you took small bite of food, breathing deeply to keep it down. You would stay there all night slowly eating if it meant you could delay the inevitable.

Unaware of how long you had been sitting there Natasha pulled you back to reality calling out your name.

“Hm?” You looked towards her with a soft smile, but she gave you a concerning look.

“I was saying that I was disappointed it was a left over night and not a fresh cooked meal from our own personal chef.” You blushed at the compliment of your cooking skills. You were certainly not a chef but definitely the only one who could cook anything beyond macaroni and cheese at the compound. You had taken upon yourself as people came and went to cook, and keep leftovers in the fridge of home cooked meals.

“Oh Sorry Nat, I just wasn’t feel myself today.” She nodded in agreement.

“Yeah you were outside all day, I didn’t even see you give Steve the signature kiss goodbye when he left,” your eyes brightened at this thought, he was gone. “Oh Steve left?” Natasha’s eyes narrowing at the joy in your voice.

“Yeah…” she leaned over the kitchen bar across from you staring intently. “He’ll be back soon, so if you’re trying to avoid a certain super solider you better make yourself scarce quick.” A forced laugh came out trying your best to play the part of what you thought would seem normal right now.

“That’s funny Nat, why would I be hiding from Steve?” Looking down at your food and picking at it again hoping against all hope to have convinced even the best human lie detector if not then at least yourself.

“Why indeed,” she muttered before going to the fridge for her own dinner. Just then you heard a distant door opening, you scrunched your eyes shut knowing who it was.

“Nat I barely ate any of my food, why don’t you finish my plate? I think I’m going to go-” before you could finish your sentence he was there, walking to the kitchen dressed in civilian clothes, always the damn checkered button ups. Natasha looked between the both of you, sizing up the situation.

“Go do what?” Nat turned to you raising her eyebrows in expectance of an answer. With him near you, any lies or convincing fronts were lost to you.

“Just going to go,” you nodded your head quickly and began walking out of the room purposely the opposite direction Steve had come from. You heard him call out your name but you just shook your head and kept walking.

“I don’t know what you did Cap, but you better fix it,” you could hear Nat scolding him but his reply barely registering as you began to run. How could either of you fix what happened? You had pushed, broke the both of you, and he took everything as the pieces of you two fell on the floor.

Before you knew it you were back outside, running and running. It felt liberating, the cold night air pushing against your skin so much that it almost hurt but it didn’t stop the freeing feeling. As the forest came in your eye line you picked up your pace with determination, you just wanted to feel this freedom a little bit longer.

-

It was late when you finally came back to the compound, no late wasn’t right, it was early. You could hear the morning birds beginning their songs while making your way inside. Being so deep in nature had let you look back with a clearer head. You walked up to the door of your shared bedroom, the light  shining out from under the door signaling he was awake in there. You could feel your body shake lightly, adrenalin beginning to surge through you as you prepared for whatever would come between the two of you after this.

Squaring your shoulders with a deep breath in through your nose and out your mouth you opened the door. When you entered he was sitting in on the bed, his legs stretched out, hand over his face. You cleared your throat causing him to sit up straight in shock looking at you with blood shot eyes, your name fell from his lips so softly that it almost hurt to hear. You took a step towards the bed but kept a safe distance from outside of his direct reach.

“I’m leaving,” he inhaled sharply eyes full of agony. “And you aren’t coming after me and you sure as all aren’t going to look for me. I need to know that you understand.” You could see him start to stand up, you quickly moved to across the other side of the bed near the closet and a window, tears threatening to spill. Your plan of exit already calculated if he tried anything.

He stared at you, with that hurt puppy dog look he was so good at. The look that normally would make you run to him and sooth his pain but you couldn’t do that for him, not anymore.

“I-I found a group therapy meeting, I listened mostly,” you waited for him to continue. If he was talking he was within the realm of reason still. “I talked a little but not about us.” You nodded your head.

“I’m glad you found that, I hope you keep going, maybe it can help you with whatever I clearly couldn’t.” you tried not to sound bitter but it was hard. He let out a small laugh looking down at his feet.

“You always did help me though, it wasn’t until after…” the silence was resounding, you wanted him to say it wanted him to acknowledge what happened. “After I forced myself on you that I realized all you ever did was try to help me and I just kept taking.” You nodded your head. While he had given everything of himself to the world, in return took everything from you to make up for his loss. It wasn’t hard to see, but you were glad he could see though it now but it didn’t change what happened. It never could.

“I’ll never ask you to forgive me,” he looked up at you, there were tears in his eyes, had he been crying just as much as you had? “But I will apologize and try to make amends in whatever way you will allow me.” Your hands balled up into fists at your side, how dare he think he could atone for this?

“What kind of man loves like this, Steven?” Your voice was forced even tone, trying so hard to not let yourself cry in anger or worse in pain. “What kind of man takes everything a woman has and what’s left after that too?” He takes a few steps towards you but you put a hand up, and as if you had some kind of physical force he abruptly stopped.

“A lost man, a broken man, a man who can’t love them self let alone someone else.” You answered your own question. “You were my habit and I was just as much yours but after Thanos,” with your eyed closed tight the tears started to fall, matching the ones continuing down his beautiful face. His stupid beautiful face. You sniffled and opened your eyes once more.

“After Thanos the habit didn’t work anymore so I’m leaving. I’m admitting I’m addicted to you and I am leaving that addiction because that’s what healthy people do Steven. They heal.” You walked up to him, framing his face with your hands you began wiping away his tears with your thumbs you couldn’t help the sob that escaped your lips watching his face softens with content at your touch. You pulled his hair back from his forehead, his hands gently holding your bent elbows, you were grateful he didn’t touch you anywhere else, not sure you could handle it.

“I love you Steve, more than I ever thought possible but we got lost along the way and there’s no way back to each other. So let’s say goodbye, okay?” His brows lifted in panic and he tried to shake his head no but you held his face still, petting his face again trying to calm him down. “Don’t make this any harder than it already is,” you choked out, feeling your strength cracking at the raw emotions unrelentingly swirling within you.

“I don’t know if I can let you go,” his voice wavered more tears trailed down his cheeks. You wiped them away too; you always wanted to wipe away his pain.

“It’s okay, because I can do it for both of us. This is the last thing I can give you Steven.” You lifted up pressing your lips to the corner of his mouth, tasting the saltiness of his tears. You pulled away, and dropped your hands to your sides, his hands lingered on your arms for a moment but he soon after they fell to his side as he sniffled.

“I love you,” his voice was barely above a whisper, so full of regret and pain you couldn’t recall a time you had heard him sound this way. You gave him a pained smile and stepped past him, walking out of the room and out of his life. You could come get your things later, but right now you had to leave for the both of you.

[gerec]

It’s Been A Long Time

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

Read here or on Ao3

Charles

“I love this, Erik.”

They lay side by side on the grassy berm, the sun on their faces, the afternoon heat a soothing balm on the chill that lingered on their bared feet. Wading into the stream was always bracing, even on the hottest days of summer, though Charles made a little ritual of it every time, on the dozens of visits he’d made to the reserve since he was thirteen.

He couldn’t say that it was a conscious decision, bringing Erik here, to this place where Charles came to read and sketch and to dream about the future. The reserve was close enough to access by bike but far enough to give him privacy, and freedom from his own chosen role as perfect son and doting older brother. Perhaps it had been there from the start, his desire to know Erik, and to be known by him; to throw himself wide open – warts and all – and truly be seen.

“What?”

Erik’s voice was a delicious rumble, sending a shiver of lust straight down his spine. He could hear it so clearly now, the curiosity, the desire, that he’d so often mistaken for disinterest; saw through the walls Erik built around himself to try and keep Charles from discovering his secret.

Charles kept his eyes closed, and smiled. “Everything.”

He heard Erik shift beside him, moving closer, his presence tangible and calling out to every one of his senses. “You mean us. Here. Together.”

The tension between them had always been palpable, at times even antagonistic, drawing them into an ever narrowing orbit until their feelings demanded acknowledgement. And now that they had been voiced aloud, it simmered with every glance and every touch, making Charles’ skin prickle with anticipation.  

It may not be now, or today, or even tomorrow, he knew, but Erik’s iron will couldn’t hold him at arms’ length forever.

And then - as though responding to his unspoken thought - Erik was touching him, his thumb gliding tentative and feather-light against Charles’ bottom lip. It was electrifying, when the thumb became long fingers tracing the contours of his mouth, mapping the shape and texture of it with a gentle, almost worshipful reverence. Charles shuddered, and licked at the fingers with relish, afraid to open his eyes and risk breaking the connection he’d been craving since the first day they met. He wanted badly for  Erik to kiss him, and to kiss Erik in turn; for the two of them to give in to what had been building ever so slowly over meals and chess games and hours of conversation…

Still, it surprised Charles when it happened, and he moaned as Erik pressed their mouths together, pulling him into a kiss that was sweet and almost tender. It was perfect, even better than he could have imagined; Erik’s hands on him, holding him close, his tongue drawing needy gasps from an utterly elated Charles. He knew it was a moment to be crystallized and preserved forever in memory; every second to be replayed and dissected in some unknown future and think – if all the days of my life could be like this.

But then Erik abruptly pulled away, expression pained as though it physically hurt him, though his hand was still cupping Charles’ face. He sighed. “This can’t happen, Charles.”

He was prepared for it; for Erik to give in and then immediately pull back, letting his misgivings rule over his desire to take what Charles offered freely with enthusiasm. Though now that he knew Erik wanted him too, he wouldn’t be put off quite so easily; he shoved Erik onto his back and rolled on top of him, and sealed their mouths together in a heady, soul-searing kiss.

Erik growled and immediately took over, biting his lip and tugging him close, as though he were afraid that Charles would slip away if he didn’t hold on tight. He could feel the undercurrent of something rougher, almost possessive in the way Erik kissed, held back by the thinnest thread of self-control that Charles longed desperately to give way.

And then Erik stopped again, still panting slightly for breath, and gently but firmly nudged Charles off his lap.

“No, please. I can’t.”

Charles groaned, and flopped onto his back with an exasperated sigh. “Why? I want this. You want this. I don’t see the problem.”

“You’re seventeen—”

“Old enough to know what I want.”

“—and I’m twenty four. You’ve never been with a man. I’m a guest of your parents and working for your Mom. Shall I go on?”

He tried, rather unsuccessfully, not to roll at eyes. “They’re all excuses and you know it.”

Erik muttered something under his breath and laughed. “Okay maybe they are. But it doesn’t make them untrue. We haven’t done anything yet to be ashamed of, or regret. I don’t want to drag us both into something that...” He hesitated, and then reached over and squeezed Charles’ hand. “I want to be good.”

“I’m not ashamed,” Charles said, “and there’s nothing we could do that I’d ever regret. But I can wait until you’re ready. I’ll wait as long as you need.”

Erik grinned. “Would you wait forever, Charles? Forever is a long time when you’re only seventeen.”

It seemed ridiculous even to Charles, that he should feel this much, this quickly, for someone he’d met only a few weeks ago. And yet he was certain that it would never change; that this brilliant, complicated man would have a place in his heart, now and always.

Charles smiled, and squeezed Erik’s hand. “I can wait.”

[revisionaryhistory]

Three Days ~ 18

~*~Emma~*~

 Sebastian pressing himself against me on the deck was the last straw.

 So many hugs and so much touching. I shouldn't ignore the conversations and joking around because they were fantastic. The expressions on his face tell half of his stories and make up a good part of conversations. Watching him remember the beach in Romania was beautiful. I don't think he shares much of that time, and I'm humbled that he shared with me. The book conversation turned nature of relationships was scary. Telling someone you've barely started dating (and not kissed) your thoughts on love and soulmates is risky. Quick way to find out if your completely incompatible or scare them away. The talking bits led to more touching. When I ran my hand over his back, I noticed him twitch when I trailed off almost around to his stomach. It was just a little twitch and I wanted to see if I could find it again. Hanging pictures was a fucking free for all. He'd caress my fingers when taking a nail and when he took the hammer or level. He was purposeful in laying his hand over mine and sliding down to the item. I wasn't innocent in this game. There was no reason to stand so close to him except to tempt him and myself. I like looking at him and being close enough to feel his warmth. I'd touch his arm or back to guide him bumping into me. Did I say guide? I meant to say keep him from bumping into me unsuccessfully. He was making such an effort. I couldn’t let him fail. The best part was neither of us were hiding our sneaky touches. We’d smile, look surprised, maybe apologize, and definitely do it over and over.

When we separated and his mom and went downstairs, I noticed the sun was setting. I always go outside to watch the sunset unless there's a reason I can't. It is the perfect end to the day. A perfect time to stop and be present. Magic happens at sunset.

 I checked if Georgeta minded if I went on the deck. She thought it was a good idea and thanked me for all the help. I rested against the railing and watched the scene progressing in front of me.

 Sebastian has known where I was all day. He's protective. He didn't want me to feel uncomfortable. I knew it was just a matter of time before he joined me on the deck. I heard him walking up behind me. Felt him like a wall against my back and the slow slide down my arms to join our hands.

 When he said I was beautiful my heart skipped a beat. The look on his face was like he adored me. I wasn't having this spoiled by an awkward moment so I turned in his arms and held on to him. Sebastian followed suit, holding me close. I’m pretty tall and in shape. He's taller and bigger, which makes me feel unusually petite. I like the way he folds around me, his edges overlapping mine.

Asking him if I was reading things wrong seemed to fit in here. Why hadn't we kissed? I knew I ran a risk of blowing things up, but I didn't think so. His fingers playing in my hair and his voice when he said I wasn’t reading this wrong may not have given me a reason, but I knew we were going to be fine.

The way he closed his eyes to gathered his thoughts was endearing and sexy. The words that followed made me glad I was touching him. I think emotional conversations go better with contact. Especially if anxiety is the emotion. Anxiety need something, I slid my hand up his t-shirt a little and used my thumb against his skin to ground him. Anxiety can make you feel like your drifting away, you can get lost in. I didn’t want him drifting away.

 What I got from the conversation was that acting kissing isn't real and he wanted to really kiss me. To feel everything that goes into a first kiss. He was struggling to find the perfect moment. There's an incredible sweetness and romance to him caring so much about a first kiss.

 I knew how to fix this for both us. I turned back to watch the sunset and wrapped his arms around me. I told him a true story of my love of sunsets. They're perfect and magic. So this moment is the perfect moment he's been looking for.

 Sebastian did recognize the moment and made use of it. His hand on my face was soft and firm in moving me where he wanted. I saw him move in and closed my eyes. The first touch of his lips was like firecrackers going off. Sweet kisses that add a touch of tongue make my knees weak. It’s cautious and tentative. Until it’s not.

 I'd had barely a taste of him when he pulled back. His blown pupils and the hazy look to his eyes was definitely not something I was reading wrong. The way he licked his lips as he palmed the back of my neck had me feeling like the only woman on the planet.

 Sebastian pulled me in for another kiss. He pulled at my lower lip and I felt the warm swipe of his tongue asking for more. My lips fell apart and I met him with teasing licks. I gripped his shoulders, trying to hold on to my patience, which made him lose his. His arm around my waist brought me tight against him while his tongue swept inside my mouth. I moved my hands down his chest and around his back.

 One of us made I noise, but I'm not sure who. Fuck, can he kiss. Control shifted back and forth. Like everything else with us the intensity would surge then retreat. Somehow the hand that was on my neck moved to the small of my back. Sebastian broke the kiss and nuzzled my neck, "You're right. Perfect time of night."

His breath against my skin caused a shiver. I thought I could feel him smile the split second before he started to leave wet kisses down the side of my neck. I gasped when he hit the tender spot along the curve from my neck to my shoulder. He pulled my hair away and kept up the gentle assault on my neck. He'd drift away, but always returned to the spot that made me shiver. The effects were cumulative and I was close to insane. I snaked my hand between us and up to thread my fingers into his hair. That didn’t help. His hair was soft with just enough wave to feel like it was trying to hold onto my fingers. Sebastian let his approval be known by murmuring, "mmm, yeah" and sucking on my earlobe.

 The next time he went for that spot I fisted his hair and pulled him away. "You're gonna drive me crazy."

He almost purred the words, "I think I'd like you crazy."

 My hand drifted over his butt, "I promise you would."

 A sexy smirk formed on his lips, "Not an impetus to keep me away."

 I tightened my grip in his hair and kissed him. Hard. "Not trying to keep you away."

"Good. It wouldn't work."

 No pretense now. We crashed together in a kiss that was all lips, teeth, and tongue. Sebastian growled deep in his chest when I sucked on his tongue. There were so many places I wanted that thing. He had skills best put to use other places. Sebastian planted his hand in the middle of my butt and hitched me up and closer. Yeah, he had plans too.

 I have no idea how long we stood on the deck making out. I have no idea why we didn't find a room somewhere and like Sebastian had said, "don't stop until we're naked and exhausted.” We were both up for it. Him more obviously. Impressively so.

Besides the occasional noticing of Sebastian's arousal, I was completely submerged in the moment. Taking in the smell, taste, sounds, sight, and touch of him.

 A voice from the house called out, "Dinner's ready, you two."

 Sebastian dropped his forehead to my shoulder and mumbled, "Seriously."

 I flipped his earlobe with my tongue and ran my hand over his ass, "Your mom is quite the cock blocker."

 He laughed and lifted me a little off my feet, "Definitely."

 I loved the crinkles at the sides of his eyes. He’d had a lot of laughter in his life. My intention was a quick kiss, but mysteriously that morphed into something longer. And deeper. I remembered dinner and pushed him away, "Dinner."

 Sebastian's arms fell away and he took my hand, "This would be a shitty time to get grounded."

 Dinner was delicious. I enjoyed trying new foods and everything tonight had a story. I'd felt welcomed and included all day, but more so with the sharing of food and memories. Everyone pitched in cleaning up the kitchen before heading into the family room.

 While our history with movie watching was short it wasn't very successful. If Sebastian fell asleep tonight I was going to poke him in the stomach. At least that was the plan if his parents were still in the room. If they went to bed all bets well off.

 We settled on a sci-fi movie about a woman joining an expedition to find her husband who disappeared into some X-files kind of area. Anthony opened a bottle of wine and I went with him to the kitchen to help with transport. Sebastian was seated on the love seat perpendicular to the TV. I had to walk around the love seat behind him to sit. He reached out and took one of the wine glasses from me. I ran my now free hand from shoulder to shoulder and he took my hand before it slid off, leading me around to sit next to him. I smiled with the sweetness of the gesture. He let go of my hand when I sat and put his arm around me. I leaned back against him, replicating last night, except tonight I laid my arm along his thigh. Out of the corner of my eye I saw his head drop onto the back of the couch.

 So fucking cute.

 I pulled at the thread hanging from the hole in his jeans. Pretty sure that didn't make him feel better. Better might not be the right word. I was still on a high from our make out session and figured he was too. The dinner interruption was a little frustrating. There's the word! Me playing with the hole in his jeans probably wasn't making him feel less frustrated. That's what I meant.

 Forty-five minutes and a couple of jump scares later things tuned freaky. Freaky and a little gross. I was curled up tight and damn close to being in Sebastian's lap. The rip in his jeans might have grown a little. Playing with that hole was like a fidget to a nervous child. I liked fidgeting with the hole, but touching his skin was more calming.

 From his side I imagine it felt like flirting. Which it was. Very intentional. Just like his hand going from holding onto my shoulder to where his thumb could stroke and make circles where I liked his kisses was obviously flirty. Nothing like teasing someone hidden in plain sight to see where it would go, who would get most worked up. Teasing is fun. Letting it turn into foreplay can be even better.

 I’m not certain if we're in teasing or foreplay territory. Could go either way. We're new to this with each other. We don't know the physical side of each other yet. I think the one being touched gets to decide intent: harmless teasing, flirty foreplay, or unwelcome over the line. For me, the way he's varying pattern, speed and pressure on a very sensitive spot is foreplay. It's most certainty welcomed and not even close to a line.

 At the end of the gross scene Georgeta turned off the TV. The couple stood up and she explained, "We're exhausted. Why don't you two go finish the movie in the pool house so it won't keep us up."

 Sebastian practically bounded off the love seat, "Sure, been a long day, you must be tired." We headed toward the door, "We'II take the last of the wine."

 Georgeta nodded with a smile, "I got the kitchen stocked and everything set. Should be very comfortable."

 He hugged her, "Thanks, mom. Good night and I love you."

 If I didn't already find him crazy attractive that would have done it. Since I did, it just made my chest ache.

 Sebastian grabbed the bottle of wine with his right hand and me with his left. At the door he realized he didn't have a hand to open it. He held the bottle out, "Take this for me, please."

 I could have opened the door, but Sebastian had the gentleman thing down. Besides if I opened this door, I'd also be opening the door to his space. Nope, don't want to do that. I liked the idea of him inviting me in. I think it's clear that I'm self-sufficient. Doesn't mean I don't like being taken care of. I liked being treated like a lady and I liked taking care of my friends and boyfriend. Cherishing another and treating them with respect is over looked too much. What some call old fashioned behaviors doesn’t equal old fashioned attitudes. Both can coexist. I felt a thrill when Sebastian opened the door and stood just inside, "Come on in."

 "Thank you." Going along with my chivalrous thoughts I gave him a little curtsy.

 He bowed, "You're most welcome, my lady." I think that was statement more than a courtesy.

 He let go of my hand as I walked by. The left end of the room was a small kitchen. Simple white cabinets and countertops. The small island had two stools. The right three quarters of the room was the family room. The TV was mounted on the long wall across from where we stood. The couch was in front of us and made a sort of hallway left to the kitchen and I assumed the door to the right led to a bedroom. The room was painted a light yellow and the furnishings were navy.

 I walked toward the kitchen with the wine. "This is a nice space. It feels like a beachy pool house. Simple and clean."

He nodded, "I don't have a problem with the guest room at the house. Mom wants me to have some private space." He followed me to the island, "Wine?"

 I nodded, "Sure. Can I use your bathroom?"

 He pointed to the only door. "Though the bedroom, door on the left. Ignore the clothes."

"Be right back." I ran a hand down his arm and stretched up for a quick kiss. As I walked away I looked over my shoulder to see him smiling as he watched me go.

 I left the bedroom door open as I walked to the far side. I'd told him to ignore the clothes in my bathroom because it doubles as a laundry room. His reasoning was that his clothes were strewn on the floor and unmade bed. He hadn't slept there last night, but I imagined the sheets still smelled of him. Part of me wanted to crawl in and wrap myself in him, but why do that when I could wrap myself in the real thing in the other room.

 Kissing him before I left the room set the stage. I can't begin to count the times a quick kiss would have made sense, but instead was an awkward moment. I replaced the awkward with the natural. Hopefully cluing him in that while a glass of wine with a movie was acceptable, adding kissing to the mix would multiply the fun.

 Speaking of fun. Sex. I'd put chance of intercourse at fifty percent. Brought to orgasm by the other a solid eighty-five. Dry humping, fingering, or a hand job producing the orgasm doesn’t necessarily lead to intercourse. For me, once oral sex is in play there's going to be intercourse. Oral is much more intimate. Intercourse does not provide the up-close sight, taste, and smell that oral does.

 I came out of the bedroom laughing. Sebastian was on the couch and looked over. "What’s so funny?"

I walked around the couch and sat a little further away so I could turn to talk to him, "I was thinking about chances. What would you have put the chances at of you coming up here and spending three days with a stranger?"

 "You're not a stranger. You’re something different. Something more." He leaned and kissed me. Not as quick as mine and not as innocent. His had tongue. "Um, chances of meeting woman, hanging out, and changing plans to be with her. Fifteen percent tops."

 I nodded, "That sounds fair.” I sang, "What are the chances that we'd end up dancing. Like two in a million, like once in a life. That I could have found you, put my arms around you. Like two in a million, like once in a life.”

 Sebastian smiled and shook his head, "I used to like Backstreet Boys. Went to one of AJ's solo shows. He got naked at the after party. Guess I need to give the new stuff a listen."

"You won't be sorry. Trust me."

"I do."

 I glanced to the Tv. "Do you want to finish the movie?"

 Sebastian stared straight ahead, with a slow smirk forming, before he looked over to me, "I don’t have a fucking clue what's going on in the movie."

 I opened my mouth in surprise, "You didn’t like it?"

 "Don't know," he took my hand in both of his and held them to his chest. "I was too distracted. I was watching your beautiful eyes and face and the expressions you were making. I wanted you looking at me. I could hear every gasp and sigh. I wanted to be making you make them. I could smell your perfume and wanted to wriggle in closer. I could feel your hip and leg flush to mine. Your arm on my leg and your nosey fingers playing in my pants. I want to play in your pants." He smiled widely and barely kept away the laughter. "And I can remember every kiss on the deck and I want to go back there. There's no way a movie could keep up with that."

 Quite the list he had. Not the answer I expect, but fuck me, if it wasn't the best answer ever. He wants to make me gasp and sigh, plus he wants to play in my pants. The smirk and near laughter in the middle was perfect. Fun. Chance of intercourse just went up to a solid ninety seven percent.

 "I understand that. You needed something to help focus you. Like, for example, playing with the hole in your jeans helped me attend. " He quirked an eyebrow, clearly doubting my words. Smart man. I started to smile, shrugged, and put my arm on the back of the couch where I could play in his hair. "I didn't say attend to the movie, Bastian."

 "You kissed me a few minutes ago."

 I bit my lower lip as I nodded my head, "I did."

 He glanced at my lips then back to my eyes. "I want you to do that again."

 I remembered the conversation on the deck, "We're alone. No one to interrupt. Think you'll be able to stop yourself?"

 I didn't wait for Sebastian's answer. My hand that had been playing in his hair brought him to meet me. No teasing. No soft chase kisses. I was hungry for him. My playing in his jeans may have been teasing him, but it was teasing me too. I was touching his skin and knew there was much much more skin I wanted to touch with more than my "nosey fingers."

 Our tongues met before our lips did. He got one thing he wanted. I sighed with the contact. Sebastian pulled the hand he held against his chest across his body. I followed my hand, swinging my leg over him, and settling on his lap. Not to close, but his hands on my hips guided me closer while I held onto his shoulders.

I felt the loss of contact when his hands went between my arms, pushing them off his shoulders. Holding my face with his hands he broke the kiss, and looked in my eyes for several seconds. I shifted a little on his lap. The way he looked at me causing an ache low in my body. He kissed me again. Slow, intense, and not nearly long enough.

 "That's about wanting you." Sebastian's thumb ran over my cheek. His touch was incredibly gentle and the desire in his eyes softened. “You say stop, I stop. Even if I’m inside you. You say stop. We stop." Raised eyebrows asked if I understood.

I nodded just enough for him to see.

 Sebastian returned the nod, licked his lips, and pressed them to mine softly. The gentle caress of his tongue asked for a permission I gladly gave. We started over slow and easy.

The slow down gave me time to process. I can't believe he was so intentional in making sure I understood he knew the meaning of stop, the meaning of no. I never thought for a second that his "I don't know if I can stop" was anything other than desire. I noticed his hands hadn't move from safe zones. I needed to make sure he knew I understood yes. I pulled away from his delicious mouth and waited for his eyes, pupils dilated where the blue was almost gone, to focus on me. "I want your hands on me. I want you to kiss me everywhere. I wanna feel you inside me." I kissed him, my tongue teasing the swell of his upper lip. "I want you."

 The left side of his mouth started to curl up and the corners of his eyes crinkled. So fucking sexy. He kissed me as his hands grab my ass and pull me tight against his growing erection.