#and lost 11 items fucking mind you

[the-acid-pear]

Damon has died. Badly.

[soleilceirinen]

Renaissance | teacher!Cillian Murphy x fem!Reader - Part 11

Summary: you are an Art History student in your last year at university. Cillian is your teacher. A/N: in this story Cillian is about 20 years older than the reader. Everything happens in an alternate universe where he is not an actor or famous, he doesn't have a wife or kids like in real life. English is not my first language, sorry if there are mistakes. MASTERLIST - Part 10

You finally found another apartment, you didn’t love it but it would have to work for a few months. It was a studio a street away from your university so you could literally fall from bed and be in class in less than five minutes, and it was cheaper than all the other options. But the building was old and the stairs smelled a bit like pee. 

Now you were in your empty apartment, waiting for the landlord to return the keys. It made you a little sad to see the apartment devoid of your things, as if you no longer recognized it as yours. For the past two days, you had packed all of your items and memories created over the previous three years into boxes, and had taken them to the new studio. Cillian offered to help you carry everything in his car, although you didn't have that much stuff either. 

After giving the keys to the landlord, you turned around and silently said goodbye to the apartment. Then you walked to the center of the city, where you lived from now on. 

The cold wind hurt your cheeks but the walk felt good to clear your mind. You had planned to spend the rest of the evening with Olivia and Valerie, so they could see your new place. They were waiting at one of the doors of the university when you saw them, from a distance you waved at them and they waved back. You could see Olivia jumping up and down with excitement.  Once you got to them, you hugged each other, as you always did. 

“Have you been waiting a long time?”

“Not really,” said Valerie, as she put her hands inside the pockets of her coat, “but let’s go, it’s cold here.”

“How far is it?” wondered Olivia, intertwining her arm with yours. 

“Not far at all, right on that street”, you pointed to the building and motioned them to walk in said direction. 

After a small house tour, since it was a studio there was not much to show, you all decided to order takeout. When the delivery guy rang the bell, you quickly played rock-paper-scissors and ended up losing, so it was your turn to go down to the door to pick up the order. You climbed the stairs to the second floor slowly, despite the unpleasant smell. Unfortunately, that was your new reality, so you might as well start getting used to it.

When you entered your house again you saw your friends whispering in front of the wall where you had placed the photographs and postcards. You left the bag on the table in front of the couch and glanced at them out of the corner of your eye as you went to the small kitchen area to get glasses and napkins.

“Dinner is ready”, you hummed. 

“Who is this?” Asked Valerie. 

 You looked at her completely lost, not knowing who she was referring to. “Who?” 

Then you realised what she meant. She was holding a polaroid in her hand and you didn’t need to look further to know that it was Cillian’s photograph. You felt your heart racing in your chest and an unpleasant feeling spreading through the palm of your hands. With two long strides, you reached Valerie and took the photograph from her hand. 

“It’s nobody”, you said quickly while Valerie stared at you with a questioning look. 

Beside her, Olivia tried to suppress a smile. 

“Are you fucking him?” asked Val, grabbing your arm. “Does he go to your class?”

“No!” You hissed. This wasn't how you wanted your friends to find out about you and Cillian. 

A series of images began to flash before your eyes, from your friends judging you for dating an older man who was also your teacher, to Cillian losing his job because of you, or you being expelled from the university.

“Why don't we have dinner and leave this conversation for another time?”, suggested Olivia, noticing your distress. 

“If she has a boyfriend we have the right to know, we are her friends”, complained Valerie. This bothered you, so you snapped at her. 

“It took you two years to tell us that you were dating Tom, you always want to know everything and you never tell us anything in return when we ask, so don't come with excuses now.” 

Valerie put a hand on her chest, looking offended. "I notice a certain tone of acrimony towards me and I don't like it at all, Y/N."

Olivia stood between you two, trying to calm things down. "Dinner is going to get cold."

You shook your head, feeling tears forming in your eyes. You didn't like arguing, much less with your friends. 

“It's not that, Valerie. I'm tired of you always digging for information. You always do the same thing, like when you make comments as if you were superior for studying a science degree instead of art. Don't you realise that the things you say hurt others?” You were telling her what you had kept inside for years, but once you started you couldn't stop. “And let me tell you one more thing, it hurt me a lot when you left me alone at the welcome party, and when you told me to stop being dramatic. A good friend does not leave another abandoned at a party, at least you could have texted me telling me that you were going home.”

After a pause, Valerie grabbed her coat and walked towards the door. 

“Where are you going?”

She turned around, avoiding looking at you at all costs. “I don't feel like I'm welcome here, I've heard enough so I'm leaving.” 

And with that, Valerie left slamming the door. Her footsteps echoed as she descended the stairs. You turned to Olivia, who had sat on the couch and was enjoying the food. 

“Do you think I’ve gone too far with what I said?”

She shrugged and swallowed before speaking. “I think you've had a lot of accumulated stress for a few weeks now and you haven't been able to hold it in any longer. You told her the truth and she left because he didn't like hearing it.” Oli patted the couch next to her for you to sit down. 

After dinner you stayed on the couch for a while watching a dating show on TV and commenting on the participants. Olivia caressed your wrist to get your attention.

“Y/N, the guy in the polaroid looks like your teacher. The one we saw in the restaurant that time. It's him, right?” 

You sighed and nodded. “His name is Cillian,” you admitted softly. Your friend hummed in response and bit her lip. 

“I don't know if I should tell you or if it's important to you, but Brad texted me the other day.” You met her eyes listening to what she had to say. “He asked me if you were dating anyone.”

“And what did you tell him?”

She wrinkled her nose and rolled her eyes. "I told him to ask you himself. He also said that he saw you kissing someone in a car, or something like that.” 

“Didn’t he tell you who I was kissing?”, you asked under your breath. 

“No,” she shook her head, “but now I get an idea of who could be.” 

You didn’t try to deny it, Olivia wasn’t stupid. The two of you remained silent until the TV program ended and she prepared to leave. Your friend wrapped you in a tight hug that caught you off guard. "Don't worry, Y/N. Just be careful and have fun, if you need to talk, call or text me."

“Sure, thanks Oli.”

She smiled. “Also, next time you want to argue with Valerie, make sure I'm not there, okay?”

After tidying up a bit you went to bed although you were having a hard time falling asleep. You couldn’t stop thinking. Years ago, when you were still in high school, you all got along really well. Including Brad, Valerie and Olivia as well as others who went to study in other cities. 

It was hard to admit that in the span of a couple of months you had lost two of your oldest friends but maybe it was meant to happen one way or another. Likewise, your thing with Cillian couldn't remain hidden forever.

[ourladyofmaplemurder]

Blossom Vibes

This is my ultimate album for Blossom vibes. It has everything. Just pop it on and let your mind wander. I almost don't want to explain it because it would take me three hours to go through every single song with my hot takes.

But if you do listen, I highly recommend listening to the whole album in order. It's meant to be listened to that way.

I'm just gonna grab some choice lyrics. Some songs are just Cheryl. Some are Cheryl/Jason. Some are The Blossoms. Some are CHONI.

We Know Where You Sleep

Close your eyes when we kiss… ‘Cause I am prepared to set myself on fire for this

2. The Kids Will Grow Up to Be Assholes

You don't want your messes cleaned You don't want your bodies fixed You don't want your problems solved, stories all resolved You'll have nothing to lean on You don't want your stitches sewn 'Cause then you'll have the big unknown We'll be watching you so watch your mouth… You better watch your mouth

3. Wait Until I Get My Hands on You

So go ahead, hold your breath Be my guest, see if I care ‘Cause it's your life, it's your face in the place of the mirror And here's to you, merci beaucoup But wait 'til I get my hands on you That's all you will get – a bear hug from your armless brother So save your teeth for the toothy grins to your mother

4. You Will Never Take Me Alive

Did you know that you nurse a beehive? Come and get it! Come take me alive All our noses are aiming at grisly frontiers We will show this cruel world… We will show this cruel world we were here

5. Delivered in a Firm Unyielding Way Lingering for Just a Bit Too Long to Communicate the Message “I Own You”

She usually comes to see me at night, and she— she lives up in the attic, and sometimes when my friends come around, she— she hides from them.​

Um, a lot of, uh, household items go missing. We've had guests that— that have encountered her.​

She likes this place. She likes the attic especially, that's why she lives up there.​

6. The Most Important Part of Your Body

‘Cause when you know too much Aren't you able-bodied, dear I think you know too much The mind knows what the mouth wants

7. You're One of Them Aren't You?

Go ahead, good friend, scream all you want to You're legless and limping and lost and it's just like they like you And I can feel your tender bodies coming near I see 'em hanging from the crystal chandelier I'm hope for the hopeless I'm help for the helplessly hopeful Life is long when you're lonely The ugly, the unclean, the unfit will fuck the unhappy

8. The Song Will Eat Itself

Singing strong knees, clean kidneys Singing for sharp minds Let's organize before they rise Singing strong knees, clean kidneys Singing so they hear Let's let this world know we were here

9. ...And All the Candy You Can Eat

And that's the fever talking, honey "I've come to fatten you up" 'Cause I'm an open book, my honey Except for when the book is shut

10. All Manner of Pox and Canker

The baby hair you saved Will circle around their drains They got a big sick surprise for you… Yeah, it's, it's in the oven, it's in the oven

11. At the Other End of the Leash

I come home right on time Calmly loosen my necktie We stare at the wall watch We're moving the furniture around I come home first in line Wanna loosen my necktie But it's your world we live in We're moving the furniture around

12. The House is Alive and The House is Hungry

I want a man who splays down in the street The swinging bodies and the children in the wet concrete The house with the laughing windows Spilling blood like a cheap innuendo

I love you, do you love me? Let's set our hair on fire Let's twist our bodies down over coals Let's give them something they can't ignore I love you, do you love me? Let's set our house on fire Let's cast a mirror right back at fear Let's show this world we were here

[jacob-blogs]

Okay I can give you a Kendrick and Drake beef rundown. Apologies if I’m explaining shit you already know but IDK your background on this so I’ll be thorough just to make sure.

Major Characters:

Drake. Aubrey Graham, AKA Drake, is extremely financially successful, but not very well respected in actual hip hop scenes. He’s generally seen as a culture vulture because of his privileged child actor background and white suburban upbringing putting him at odds with other people in hip hop culture. Also, in 2018, he very publicly lost his beef with another rapper named Pusha T, who revealed he had a secret newborn son named Adonis. Lastly, he has a long history of being kind of a misogynistic creep, the worst parts being a history of being sketchy around underaged girls.

Kendrick. Kendrick Lamar is an extremely respected rapper, though his songs aren’t always the most radio friendly and he doesn’t release them super frequently. He’s extremely artistically minded, though, and is one of those artists who’s just so good they can feel borderline untouchable. If I had to pick a rapper who was the consensus greatest at the moment among big hip hop heads, it would be Kendrick.

Backstory: Drake and Kendrick are arguably the two biggest rappers right now. A third rapper, J. Cole, had a lyric about the “big 3” in October naming himself, Kendrick, and Drake. The second part is that in March, Kendrick had a bar where he said “fuck the big 3, it’s just big me.” Cole tried beefing back, dipped out pretty quick.

Drake released two diss tracks against Kendrick on April 19, Push Ups and Taylor Made Freestyle. The latter was especially controversial because he used AI to replicate the voice of Tupac, which is… a huge no-no.

Last Tuesday, Kendrick finally responded with his first track, Euphoria. It was what people were expecting, for the most part: he went in on Drake in the ways a diss track normally would, just with extra finesse since he’s Kendrick. Still an excellent record on its own.

On Friday morning, he released 6:16 in LA on Instagram, which mostly got attention for implying that Kendrick had a mole from among Drake’s own crew. Also, the cover image was an image of a black glove.

On Friday evening, Drake released his response to Euphoria, Family Matters. Among other things, Drake accused Kendrick of beating his wife, though since Drake has a history of lying people are unsure how seriously to take that. Notably, though, some of Drake’s bars seem to have been preempted by Euphoria, which lends some credence to the idea that he may have a leaker.

Only thirty minutes after Family Matters dropped, Kendrick released Meet the Grahams, which directly responded to several things Drake said, which confirms he has a leaker. Not to mention, the cover image was a zoomed out version of the 6:16 image, which now includes items like literal receipts and prescription bottles of Ozempic and Ambien with Drake’s legal name on them. So this photo was taken inside Drake’s mansion. The song itself is the equivalent of bringing a switchblade to a cage fight, and among other things drops that Drake also has a secret 11 year old daughter, as well as it accuses him of being a pedophile and a sex trafficker. This song is why everybody’s talking right now. Nothing like this has happened before.

Anyways, Kendrick dropped another track tonight, but the dust hasn’t quite settled on that yet so I won’t say too much.

Thank you sooo much for the context.

Rap as a genre is always interesting to me because it's characterized so much by not only the songwriting and lyrics, but also the messiness and drama that goes on behind the scenes. I don't necessarily listen to it on the daily, but it would be insane not to recognize the cultural influence it has on American pop culture. And hell, up until recently tumblr was a huge supporter of Drake through his weird career decisions.

But like.... homie's gotta hang it up flat screen. Drake and his team of ghost writers literally ain't got shit on K. Dot. Like how can you pay folks actual money to take up in your defense over a dance beat while this other dude's dishing out bar after bar of straight fire getting after you, your career, your family, your crew, your lies, your shitty behavior...

Like okay, it's a rap battle but also this has got to be THEE cultural reset of 2024

[greaseonmymouth]

tagging games

hokay so I've been tagged in a bunch of these over the past few months weeks, by different people, so let's have some memetic fun

1. fanfic writer's bingo

I was tagged by @mslanna !

well, i did get one bingo! I have never commissioned fanart but I have received it. i debated whether to tick off that last square - 'wants to be a professional writer some day' because eh, i could take that or leave it? i do write original fiction and i have at times dreamt about getting it published, but also, i don't actually care. i write because i enjoy writing and getting paid for it i think is highly likely to make me hate it, so.

2. get to know you better game

I was tagged by @love-lays-bleeding !

get to know you better game! answer the questions and tag 9 people you want to know better.

last song i listened to: Danser Med Drenge - Alt for at beholde dig. it's on my Carl x Assad playlist but also Danser Med Drenge are just genuinely enjoyable in general

currently watching: 9-1-1, Grey's Anatomy, and Station 19. clawing at my face waiting for new episodes for all three shows. aside from that, nothing really, though I think I'll watch Dead Boy Detectives when it drops

currently obsessed with: 9-1-1, Afdeling Q.

3. nine people to get to know better

I was tagged by @foxesonstilts ! some repeat questions, but we'll manage.

last song: TV-2 - De første kærester på månen. this is also on my Carl x Assad playlist which makes no fucking sense because this is a song about teenagers in love and first heartbreak HOWEVER it is a banger and when spotify queued it up after my playlist finished, I was like, you know what, I'll just put it on the list.

favourite colour: considering how many blue items i own it must be blue. honestly though i love a lot of colours and am also partial to green, yellow, orange, pink, red, purple

currently watching: see above

sweet/savoury/spicy: all of them? they each have their time and place but most of all they belong in my mouth

relationship status: single and not willing to mingle

current obsession: finding a pair of hiking boots/shoes. i had ordered a pair THREE WEEKS AGO but UPS lost my parcel so i finally got refunded today but i'm leaving on holiday in less than a week and i still need fucking hiking shoes and i'm losing my mind

last thing you searched: "outdoor sport store london"

4. 20 questions for fic writers

I was tagged by @palavapeite !

1. How many works do you have on Ao3? 

117 on my main, but not all of them are fics and not all of the fics are written by me, or just me (some are fanbinding posts, some are fanart, some are collaborative works). including my other two accounts, we're talking 224 works in total.

2. What’s your total Ao3 word count?

on my main, 867,037 words, but that includes about 120k not written by me.

3. What fandoms do you write for? 

currently: Afdeling Q, BBC Shetland. though for the latest yuletide I went back to Volstovic Cycle for a stint and i wrote my first ever Ocean's 11 fic after years and years of only reading.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

that's 4 Harry Potter fics plus one Avengers/Batman crossover I wrote in 2012 on a whim after seeing the Dark Knight Rises and which became unexpectedly popular for a bit. I still love that fic though:

How to become a superhero and gain a family (minus the picket fence) - 7k, Tony Stark & Bruce Wayne, Steve/Tony. 2,758 kudos

the HP fics are:

Don't Blame Me (It Was All a Blur Last Night) - H/D, 7,468 kudos I'll Tell You a Secret (Just Don't Tell) - H/D, 5,209 kudos Here Now, Gone Yesterday (or Back to the Future) - R/S, T/J, 3,078 kudos Little Deaths and How to Avoid Them (or Draco Malfoy's Guide to Stop Dying and Start Living Instead) - H/D, 2,607 kudos

5. Do you respond to comments?

yes, usually. I stopped responding to comments on my HP fic a while ago because I couldn't summon the energy to engage with them, and more recently I turned off all comments for HP fic so that I wouldn't have to bother at all. I'm glad people are still able to enjoy these fics, but I need some distance.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I've written some dark fic in the past and I think what comes closest is this old thing I wrote for HP nextgendarkfest back in like 2011, in which some of the nextgen characters (including Harry's sons) were criminals who staged their own murders to cover up a heist they did but it implies that Harry was on to them, nearly caught them in the act, and was devastated about it.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

almost all of them??? most of what I write has a happy ending because I want happy endings, damn it. if by happiest you mean 'least complicated' or 'unadulterated joyful' or something like that, then maybe...I don't know, god, I could name at least 50 fics like that just off the top of my head.

You know what, let's do the most recent one:

Et Afdeling Q Julemysterie - this is pure fluff and happy ending and it makes me smile like a fool in love, so.

8. Do you get hate on fics? 

not in a while - I used to get some nasty comments on this one old HP fic that had a nextgen teenage character working out his sexuality, and some people took offense at the character being asexual/not being asexual enough/turning out to not be asexual in the end. like, make up your mind about what the problem is at least? I also got nasty comments on another HP fic which featured aromantic polyamorous Harry in a V relationship with Ginny and Draco (and Ginny herself was in a V relationship with Harry and Blaise) for various reasons, including but not limited to people not understanding that one can in fact be both polyamorous and aromantic at one and the same time. by the time i posted the everybody is trans HP fic I was anticipating nasty comments so I turned comment moderation on for that fic.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

sometimes. in the past I would include it (and hate writing it) because I thought you had to, but these days I only write it when I feel like it. more often than not it's some kind of character moment rather than a horny thing, though I do usually try to approach the smut writing from the angle of 'what would this character enjoy about having sex with this other character? what are their focus points? what are they horny for? what are their coherence levels? what are their sensitivities? how well do they know their own body? their partner's body? how do they communicate? etc. etc.' you'd think that leads to some very unsexy smut writing but if i'm honest i think those bits of writing actually wound up being both the horniest writing i've ever done AND the most true to character (according to my interpretation of the characters anyway).

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

a few - crossovers don't hold a lot of appeal for me in general, so when I've done crossovers there's usually been a 'what if?' spark that set if off.

aforementioned how to become a superhero fic, Avengers/Batman crossover, in which Tony Stark and Bruce Wayne are longtime friends.

it's pure filth that i hide (time for genocide) - Volstovic Cycle/Pacific Rim crossover (or possibly just fusion?). Volstovic Cycle characters pilot jaegers and fight kaijus, no pacrim characters appear.

Dragons - Volstovic Cycle/Harry Potter crossover (...or...fusion?) I can never remember the difference between crossovers and fusions. Harry Potter characters ride dragons á la Volstovic Cycle, no Volstovic Cycle characters appear.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes! the full list of translations (and podfics) of my fics is here. I've had fics translated into Russian and German.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

yes. @palavapeite mentioned this but we co-wrote an absolute deranged behemoth of a 'social media' fic (really, it was a 'livejournal' fic, but same difference) back in like 2008/2009 and it was honest to god some of the best fun I've ever had writing something and also, it was a work of ART.

I have since participated in fests like big bangs and reverse big bangs where I've written or made art, which is not quite the same as co-writing. I once ran a collab fest where I co-created a comic with three friends, which we cowrote and each drew various bits for, which was a lot of fun. and! with @gkkri we co-wrote (and illustrated) a R/S fic (but really it was a Sirius & Regulus fic in R/S disguise) back in 2017 as our last hurrah to the Remus/Sirius fandom as we were both feeling like we hadn't anything left to say for this ship and let me tell you, that co-writing process was like a dream and I'm still really proud of what we made.

14. What’s your all time favorite ship? 

I don't have one??? I'm a multifandom person, I enjoy a LOT of ships for various reasons and I don't think I have an all time favourite? some ships I cycle back to over time and some ships I never even write for, just read a shitton for. like I enjoy Steve/Tony still even though I haven't written any fic for them in over a decade? and I mean, despite my misgivings about JKR and general HP fatigue, I will never not love Remus/Sirius. and so on and so forth. the beauty of fandom is that there are so many great characters and dynamics out there to love

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

er, wellllllll there's this one Matt/Foggy wip languishing in my gdocs drive that I'm not convinced I will ever finish, but I really want to. I'll cycle back to it eventually probably. I also have this one Space AU for Caius/Al that I have officially abandoned, but I still think about it!! and yet!! that wip is probably approaching a decade old at this point. I don't know man.

I only have one active fanfic wip atm and that is my current Afdeling Q wip and I WILL finish it, I swear to everything that is beautiful in this world.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I have a lot of strengths and I'm not too humble to admit it, but I think my number one strength these days is that I Do Not Care what other people think anymore, I will write whatever I damn well please, the way I want to. if other people like it: great! if they don't: okay!

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

plot sjkdgkfljsgd especially of the crime solving variety. I will never ever be a crime fiction writer. I'm also not great with action-type of plots because....well, I like reading plotty stuff but when I'm writing? I don't care, I just care about my characters and their dynamics and arcs and development and I will hang it on the thinnest scaffolding possible I can get away with to make the story go.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? 

the kind of another-language-dialogue i see in fic most often seems to be weirdly pointless or out of character, just dropped in (usually by a monolingual English speaker) who thinks it adds flavour to the character, when really, that character has never once in canon slipped into their other language in dialogue. because, well, most multilingual people don't? speaking as a multilingual person I'm far more likely to say something like 'shit what is that called in English' than just say the word in Danish. i mean, tell me you don't understand codeswitching without telling me you don't understand codeswitching.

as a counterpoint to this actually i read a Buck/Eddie fic the other day where Eddie had lines in Spanish, and that I had no issue with because a) he speaks Spanish in the canon b) with his family 3) who also speak Spanish. in the fic he spoke Spanish with his family, who also had lines in Spanish. that author did kindly provide translations but tbh I didn't check the translations because the other thing about this fic was, it was clear from context what was being said without the translations because the dialogue followed canon-levels in this regard.

generally though, my preference would be for the tried and tested "A line of dialogue here," said character A, in Language. "The dialogue continues." it gets the point across.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

band RPF. before that I was writing fanfiction without knowing it was fanfiction or what fandom was, for stuff that Didn't End The Way I Wanted It To or similar. but first actual fandom writing? band RPF. it's backed up on a secondary ao3 account now, but this shit was first posted on forums and livejournal a billion years ago.

20. Favourite fic you've written?

listen. 224 fics written (that I know of, because the heavens only know what's been lost to the sands of time at this point) and you want me to pick ONE favourite? absolutely fucking not. also, recency bias is a thing.

i don't know man. let me pick at random:

Of Gilded Wallpaper and Meddling Dragons - Temeraire, 5,068 words

No Archive Warnings Apply, William Laurence/Tenzing Tharkay, William Laurence, Tenzing Tharkay, Temeraire, John Granby, Iskierka Augustine Little, Romance, Fluff and Humor, dragons being dragons, bisexual awakening, agony aunt!granby, an excessive amount of gilded wallpaper, laurence blames the weather for his being hot and bothered, Laurence POV, tharkay brings sexy back 

Summary: Laurence and Temeraire have been living with Tharkay for a scant two weeks when Laurence sends Granby a letter that essentially boils down to hi John how did you know you're gay also plz help I am in trouble.

5. animal crossing picrew

I was tagged by @dejlige-dage !

i have never played animal crossing but this was fun

i am tagging: YOU. if you've read this, you're tagged.

[d-raewrites]

Kinktober Volume 9: Not Fair

Word Count 2,565 Comment for tags

Rated M 🔞

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Minors stay out of this portion of the library.

Synopsis: plus size female, pining, size kink, bookstore setting, ladder is involved.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To say he was obsessed would be an understatement. She was perfect. A little taller than his short frame and her body. God her body! Those curves, full chest and even fuller ass drove him crazy. He couldn’t stop staring, daydreaming of the way his hips snapping into hers would make every section of her jiggle and move in the most appetizing way. For the past year, he’s done nothing but silently pine over her. It was so hard not to stare. He knew he shouldn’t, definitely shouldn’t. No, he shouldn’t get too close. He shouldn’t linger by her too long. He shouldn’t try to brush her hands when they worked the front desk, and he definitely shouldn’t push himself a little harder against her when he passed behind her in the tight space of the register. 

But in his defense, it was so hard not to. Not when she always smelled so good, like honey and flowers. And when she always looked so delicious in those cute tight shirts that showed off every curve and pushed up those plush tits perfectly. The evenings they worked together alone were the worst. Stupid ass weekdays when the store was rarely busy, and they had too much time to sit and talk. Her laugh would echo through the shop, making his knees weak, just like tonight. 

Sitting on the stool behind the counter of the old bookstore, he couldn’t help but stare as her entire chest shook as she laughed. Her soft, cushiony belly moving with each punctuated breath she let out.  “You didn’t tell him that?” She giggled again at his story.

“I promise I did! He was buying the entire Sherlock Holmes set and freaking looked like Sherlock Holmes. How could I not?” He could hear the hitch in his voice and wanted to cower in embarrassment, but took a deep breath, trying to play it cool. 

The large clock on the wall chimed loudly, alerting the two of them that it was time to lock up.

“11 already?” She asked, sliding off the chair before pulling her hair back and up into a ponytail. He had such a love/hate relationship with that damn ponytail. On the love side, he could clearly see that tanned neck, covered with freckles, just like the ones that covered his own face. He couldn’t help but think if they’d match up as he littered her neck with marks. Making sure everyone knew this beautiful goddess was his to enjoy. On the hate side, it gave him the worst daydreams of grabbing that ponytail and pulling her back while he flipped up her flowy printed skirt and fucked her from behind. Getting to watch his dick disappear in between those meaty ass cheeks. 

“Hello? Dude!” He was snapped back to reality as she waved her hand in front of his face. “Welcome back sunshine.” God, her smile was the fucking sunshine, not him. “If you want to duck out, I can re-shelve and clock you out too when I’m done.”

Looking over at the lack of mess around them, he shook his head gently. “Nah, it’s okay there’s a lot to shelve, and we need to put out the new releases and change the displays too. I’ll hang here.” It all sounded like good reasoning, they did in fact need to finish those tasks, but it had less to do with the task and more to do with the company. 

“If you’re sure.” She shrugged before picking up the phone connected to the overhead speakers. “Do you mind?” 

Shaking his head, he gathered the new display books in his arms and began walking to the front displays. A low, sultry beat echoed through the store as she picked up random items to reshelve. Trying to keep his eyes on the task in front of him, he couldn’t help but notice the way she was swaying her hips to the beat. He tried to keep the view in his peripheral vision but unfortunately lost the fight, causing his eyes to widen when she caught him staring. “Um. The ones that go in the back, just put on the sofa and we’ll do those together.” He stated, attempting to make a quick recovery.

“Thanks,” she replied shyly. He was the only one who caught on to the fact that she hated being alone in the back of the store. Something about it just gave her creeps. 

Looking at the completed displays, they high-fived before making their way back to the couches, his eyes repeatedly glancing at her ass as she continued to sway to the music. Gathering up all the stray books that belonged in the back portion of the store, he made sure to stick next to her, in a small attempt at comfort. 

“How are your classes going?” She asked as they walked up and down the first aisle. 

“Descent, I guess. I’ve always heard senior year is the worst because of the workload, and it’s true. My portfolio for Creative Writing is kicking my ass. It’s so damn stressful.” 

“There are many ways to relieve stress, sunshine.” He could feel his face flush at her words but knew that innuendo was not what she was talking about. “You on top or me?” For fuck’s sake, the blood in his body began to reposition, giving his lower region much more than necessary at this moment. Looking up at her slowly, he heard the sliding ladder scraping against the metal bar before he saw it. Definitely not what she meant. “I’ll spot,” he said, handing her the last set of books in his hands. “Hold me tight,” she said playfully as she climbed the steps to reach the top shelf.

He intended to say something flirty back, but the second his eyes lifted, they were met with a clear shot up her skirt. Baby blue lace panties covered a tantalizing portion of her plump ass cheeks, but not enough to conceal it all. God, he wanted to sink his teeth into those cheeks, suck mark after mark over her creamy flesh before ramming himself between them. 

“You know you’re not very sly,” she said, turning her head to look down at him, still perched on the ladder. His cheeks heated at her words. She couldn’t possibly mean what he thinks, can she?

“Do you like me, sunshine, or just need to get your stress relief?” 

“Wh-what?” He asked, trying but failing miserably to keep his composure. 

“Do you like me or do you just want to fuck something?” She stated plainly. “Because at first I thought you were looking at me because of my size, which people do. They usually have some comment or another about my outfits being ‘too little’ or ‘too tight’ for ‘someone like me’.”

Immediately, he began to shake his head in disbelief. Who the fuck would tell her that!? Anger starts to work its way through him before she stops him. “But then more than a dozen times I’ve caught you licking your lips or sporting something a little thicker in your pants area while staring at me. So I’ll ask again. Do you have a thing for me, sunshine, or do you just want to get your dick wet? Because I’m not really a one time fling kinda girl. And I’m sure as hell not gonna be the fat chick you fucked just because you feel like you can. I’ve got more respect than that.”

In a second, he was moving up the steps right under her. “Don’t you dare fucking say that about yourself. You’re a damn goddess, and any asshole that says differently can go fuck the hell off.”

“Down boy,” she stifled a laugh as she pat his head. “Don’t go all fantasy novel on me. Now are you gonna answer the question?”

“I like you,” he states, much stronger and faster than he anticipated. 

“Alright, whatcha gonna do about it?” Getting as close to her as possible on the slim ladder, he pulls her lips down to his, taking her into a searing kiss. Their lips begin to move against each other before his tongue slips onto hers, tasting her thoroughly before pulling away. His heart is hammering against his chest as he takes a few steps down and off the ladder, expecting her to follow. Her own body feeling hot with need and a bit of disappointment. “Hum” she huffs, “that was a hell of a kiss but with the way you eye fuck me, I thought you’d do more. Ya know, go for a feel, try to finger me, anything.” A growl comes from his chest at her words. 

“You giving me permission, sweetheart?” He retaliates, “And no nodding, use your words like a big girl.”

“I am a big girl,” she says, motioning down her body. 

“So much more to taste, my pretty,” he says, effectively cutting her off. “But I didn't hear a yes or no.”

“Yes, you have my permission.” She says, gripping onto the ladder ready to make her decent. She halts her movements as he clicks his tongue at her, shaking his head. “Stay in your tower, princess, you’re not allowed to come yet.”

Gripping her hips and turning her around, breasts now flush against the ladder, he runs his hands over the soft swell of her ass before reaching up and unclipping her bra. He flips her skirt up now having a better view of that ass he so long dreamed about. Pressing his lips to her skin, he begins kissing, nibbling and sucking on the soft flesh there. A moan escapes from her as he bites down particularly hard. “Turn,” he demands, taking a step back allowing her to move, “and hold on.” Before she can register what he means, his head is under her skirt, moving her leg up and over his shoulder before he begins nipping at the fabric covering her most sensitive part. “You’re already soaked, baby,” he says, nuzzling the wet patch with his nose. “Shall I leave it be for dessert or have it as my meal?” He asks aloud, expecting no answer. Pulling the strip of fabric to the side, he spreads her open with his fingers before lightly running the tip of his tongue up her slit.

“Shit,” she hisses, feeling her knees jolt at the pleasure, “You don’t waste time, do you?”

“You have no idea how much time I’ve wasted watching you. On campus, here in the store. You drive me crazy, baby. I’ve wasted enough time, now, just let me make you feel good.” Immediately his lips are back on her pussy, kissing at her lower lips, sucking on her clit and lapping at her opening as he moans at the intoxicating taste of her all over his tongue and chin. 

“I’m close.” She mutters, feeling her legs begin to shake, trying to keep her upright despite the enormous pleasure filled assault happening to her lower half. His lips release as he moves back, taking her hands and bringing her down the ladder. Once her shaky feet hit the floor, he pulls her into another mind-blowing kiss. She can’t help the moan that escapes her as she tastes herself on his lips, pushing her body forward for some much-needed friction. 

“Can I fuck you, gorgeous?” He asks softly, holding onto the back of her neck. 

“Please. Please fuck me.” She mumbles, her head moving quickly in a nod. He pulls her close again before gripping her hips and turning her around. “Ass up, baby, and hold on.” She assumes her position, bending down at her waist and clutching onto the ladder for support. 

“I’ve been dreaming of fucking you like this for a year now. Been dreaming of having my cock disappear between this delicious ass. Of holding onto your gorgeous belly and tits while I fuck into you.” Flipping up her skirt just like in his daydreams, he drops to his knees, biting her plump ass and sucking a few marks into the flesh. “You have no idea how many times I’ve moaned your name and cum in my hand at this thought. I can’t believe I’m here now. I won’t go slow, so hold tight and say “red” if it gets to be too much. Okay?”

“Yes,” she verbally agrees, causing him to spank her ass as he stands behind her again, pulling his dick out of his jeans. 

“That’s my good girl.” Running his hand up her back, he pulls at the bra still loosely attached to her before grabbing her supple breast in his hand. He groans at the feeling as he pumps himself. Pulling her panties to the side again, he lines himself up and pushes inside her warm walls in one movement. “Fuck!” They both groan. “You feel amazing sunshine, even bigger than I imagined, and I felt I was being an over thinker here.”

“Yeah?” He replies with a giggle. “You’re heaven, just like I knew you would be. Glad to hear you fantasized about me too, though. Did you give yourself any orgasms with those thoughts?” He snaps his hips toward hers before removing himself almost completely, leaving his tip resting inside her opening.

“Yes,” She whispers at the filling sensation. Grabbing her hand and putting it over his, “Teach me,” he requests calmly before moving his hips and slamming into her again. The whimper that leaves her lips only adds fuel to his fire. “Please teach me,” he mutters. Softly, she takes his hand and guides it to her folds, moving his fingers in soft motions through her outer lips before guiding his finger to her clit. “Teach me how to make this voluptuous body shake. How to make that delicious cream spill all over my dick and tongue. 

 Teach me how to make those mind-numbing noises tumble from your lips.” His pace becomes unrelenting as he pleads with her, moving his fingers with her guidance. Their sounds turn pornographic as their highs approach. “Ass. Ass.” She repeats, feeling the knot in her stomach tighten. 

He chuckles, finding both her dick drunk expression and chant enticing. “Are you calling me an ass or asking for something, goddess?”

A soft giggle escapes her, “smack my ass,” she clarifies while taking his fingers and pinching her clit. At her request, he draws his hand back before bringing it back down to her ass. “Oh fuck!” Her moan echoes through the small space as her orgasm barrels through her. From inside, he felt her walls contract and flutter around him. Staring at the red mark left for his hand and the satisfied giggles falling from her lips, his hips start to falter. Slamming into her harshly one more time, his orgasm takes over, her walls still softly milking him as she comes down from her high.

Leaning her against the sliding ladder, he gently pulls out of her. Turning to face him, he’s met with a satisfied smile. 

“I feel like this was cheating. I didn’t get to see you, or taste you. Nothing.” She states pretending to pout. 

“Nothing, huh?” He says, reaching between her thick thighs and swiping their combination out of her. “I wouldn’t call this anything. But if you’d like, we can go back to my place, and I’ll show you all you want.” He says with a wink and smirk.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kinktober Complete Collection

🧋Kofi

[josjournal]

Decades of Decades (Full Moon Ficlet #520 - Decade)

Written for @fullmoonficlet

Derek sat at the desk set up in the library, a pen gripped in one hand and his phone in the other. He’d spent the last ten minutes trying to figure out why he’d woken with the feeling he’d forgotten something. The feeling intensified when Stiles greeted him with a kiss and an expectant smile. The smile faded as they shared breakfast before Stiles left for the station, barely pausing for a kiss goodbye.

Derek should be writing, but he couldn’t get his mind off Stiles’ face. He checked his calendar, but there wasn’t a birthday or any big anniversaries that Derek had discovered were important to Stiles. Their dating anniversary was in August. Their second wedding anniversary had just passed in December. He smiled as he remembered the wedding and distracted himself by starting to plan what he would get Stiles for their next one, eleven months away.

Stiles called at lunchtime, pulling Derek away from his search for the perfect leather jacket for Stiles for the anniversary. He’d been debating between one that looked like the one Derek had gotten from his dad or a brown bomber jacket with a sheepskin collar. “Do we have plans tonight?” 

Derek froze, detecting a trick question. He took a deep breath before making a non-committal sound. He could hear Stiles’ teeth click together, and Derek hung his head, waiting for his tirade. “Great. Well, then Scott and I are going hiking.” 

“Alright,” Derek responded after a minute. “Do you want me to come with you?”

Stiles snorted. “Not really. After all, why would I possibly want to spend time with you in the woods today?” He hung up before Derek could respond.

Stiles’ words echoed through Derek’s head as he went downstairs to make himself something to eat. There had been something strange in the inflection of Sitles’ voice. He’d been saying something with them, but Derek couldn’t put his finger on it.

As Derek added garlic aioli to the pretzel buns he’d picked up at the market, he thought about all the times he and Stiles had spent in the woods together. He laughed at the camping trip when a bear stumbled into their camp, and Stiles climbed a tree to escape. He’d screamed as the bear tried to go up after him. Derek shook his head as he reached into the fridge for some ham, freezing when his eyes fell on the dry-erase schedule Stiles had started, so they would know where each of them was at any given time.

January eleventh. The date seemed familiar as he stared at it, his eyes tracing the drawing of woods that Stiles had added. Frowning, he tried to identify the small red and white l-shaped item in the middle of the trees. His eyes went to January ninth, and he saw fangs digging into a stick figure. He let out a deep breath. It was January 11, 2021. Ten years ago, he’d stumbled across two stupid kids, one a newly turned wolf and the other his mate. It had been one decade since his entire life was turned on its head, and he’d forgotten.

“Fuck,” Derek muttered. He checked his watch and knew he didn’t have much time. He pulled his phone out to text Scott.

Several hours later, Derek watched Stiles stumbling through the woods. He shook his head, wondering how after all of these years, Stiles got lost in the preserve, which was basically his backyard at that point. Stiles reached the clearing and looked down at his phone, frowning and cursing Scott’s name. 

When Stiles turned to head back out of the clearing, Derek purposely stepped on the twig he’d noticed at his feet. He bit back a laugh when Stiles froze; he could smell the adrenaline racing through Stiles and felt bad. Before Stiles could slip into full-on panic, he opened his mouth and called out, “What are you doing here?” He remembered saying those words all those years ago and the shock that raced through him when Stiles had whirled around, their eyes meeting for the first time. It happened again, just like the first time. “Huh? This is private property!”

“You asshole!” Stiles shouted, laughing. “I thought you forgot.”

“I did,” Derek admitted, stepping forward. He held out the bouquet he held in one hand. “It wasn’t until your comment earlier that I remembered.” 

Stiles took the bouquet. “What the hell is this?”

“Ten years, one decade together. The traditional gift for that is tin or aluminum,” Derek explained. “I spent the afternoon drinking the beer in the garage fridge to make you flowers from the cans. That cheap shit is awful.”

“You know you could have poured out the beer or used some of the cans in the recycling bin?” Stiles teased, his eyes tracing the intricate buds. “How did you learn to do this?”

“YouTube,” Derek said, smiling when Stiles barked out a laugh. 

“Now I look like a jerk because I don’t have anything for you,” Stiles said.

Derek reached behind the tree and pulled out a case of beer. “Well, I can show you how to make the flowers,” Derek said. He pulled out a picnic basket as well. “While we have dinner.”

Stiles smiled. “I’d like that.”

Derek pulled a blanket out of the basket and laid it on the ground, holding down the corners with battery-operated lanterns. Once they settled onto the blankets, Derek opened two beers, handing one to Stiles. 

Stiles held the can up. “To us.”

Derek tapped the cans together. “To the happiest decade of my life.”

“To many more just like it,” Stiles added.

“To decades of decades,” Derek countered, leaning forward to kiss Stiles with a smile.

Cross-posted to AO3

[emcscared-whumps]

WiJ 2023 - 04: Share Whumperflies Media

WiJ 2023 Navigation Post

A Show/Movie/Book/Series that Gives Me Whumperflies

Honestly? I'm far too picky about whumpees and I don't consume all that much media (especially not these days since i have my own purpose-built character who is capable of hitting just about EVERYTHING I like) to have many items to rave about ^-^'

HOWEVER.

That does not mean that there is nothing :)

I'll go right back to the start, in fact (in rough order)... just keep in mind that I don't watch for whump, and these aren't whump recommendations except for one lmao, they're just what have managed to give me whumperflies in the past.

Cybergirl (2001-02)

An Australian sci-fi superhero T.V. series that was airing in the morning when I was a young kid, maybe 6 or 7, back before I understood how T.V. scheduling worked lol. I don't often get whumperflies from media, but I think this time, I did, and it's actually my earliest memory of whumperflies.

Cy ended up trapped in a Big Fancy House by the Big Bad, Rhyss. It's been many years since I last re-watched the show so I don't remember a whole lot except there was a lot of urgency and a zappy barrier that Cy couldn't pass through, and I definitely got some kind of feeling about that :)

The writing was very average, not very substantial for an older viewer, but it was excellent for a kids' show. There was so much lore that just never got expanded on, and it didn't go particularly hard with the whump :')

H2O Just Add Water (2006-10)

To no one's surprise, I ADORED this series as a kid. My obsession with mer had just started, and honestly, this shit FED ME. This was another Australian show that I watched when I was fairly young (again, 6-7 and onward), but I don't recall watching it when it aired. I instead had a collection of DVDs.

The girls and co got into some pretty interesting hijinks while trying to guard their fishy little secrets, but shit got REAL in season 6 when a marine biologist coworker of the friend of the girls' Lewis managed to leave a sample of their skin/scale in the lab... OOPS.

You can guess where that lead-- the scientist trying to track down the owner of the magic scale that could turn back into skin (somehow lmao, ~magic~), and she eventually trapped the girls in their little grotto with a gate that she had installed at the underwater entrance of their grotto spot on Mako Island.

Here's where I mention that I did not actually get whumperflies from this lmao, but it was a close one (the scientist didn't go far enough lmao). That's okay though :) One self indulgent decision just under 10 years later sure fixed that :))

Vampire Knight Anime (2008, English Dub aired in Aus in 2011)

The whole show. Every episode. I'm not even kidding. (Well, just about every episode lol, there was maybe only one where I didn't). As many problems as I have with the series, (mainly that every time I see Yuuki or hear her voice I want to strangle her), Zero was just so. fucking. scrunchy-- almost the perfect whumpee ^-^ And the English voice actor does such a glorious job of voicing Zero's pain, the whole series is ABSOLUTELY worth enduring Yuuki's stupidity.

Iirc, my favourite episode was Crimson Chains-- full of spoilers, a lot of plot bits come together at that point, so I can't say much other than that Zero's lost his shit and has a whole big scene where he writhes and pants on the floor with the agony of his hunger. I am convinced the author ALSO liked that XD

I would sit at night and watch that episode over and over and over because man, those whumperflies were something else, super intense, 11/10 lmao

Doctor Who (1963-present)

Nine had that one episode where he got caught by some collector dude and tortured to figure out what made him tick, or rather that he had TWO hearts that made him tick... Fun times, that DEFINITELY gave me whumperflies and had me furtively returning to the episode to keep watching that scene.

A lot of Ten's run had me by the throat, most memorably his regeneration at the start of his run, and his regeneration at the end directly after an hour (approximately) of whump was. AMAZING. I kept coming back to the start and end 😅

There were a couple more times I got whumperflies throughout his run. The main episodes that come to mind are Midnight, set on the planet of sapphires and lethal radiation, and 42, involving a spaceship hurtling toward a sun.

There was only one more whumpy instance, and that was that one movie they made. I forget who, when... EVERYTHING except the dude that played looked like Gene Wilder and it took place on NYE of the new millenium. It was another shitfight with The Master. ANYWAY. The whumperflies were at the START of the movie when The Doctor wasn't doing so well, I think he got shot?? And then rushed to the hospital, all while trying to avoid that and trying to communicate that they'll kill him

Supernatural (2005-20)

Ok. This one is weird in two ways. I forget which episode it was, but it was season 2 where Sam and Dean were trying to kick a group of vampires out of a town, but they were actually cool/chill vampires...?

Or at least some of them were...

ANYWAY.

This other hunter had this vampire chic tied to a chair baaaasically torturing her...? Memory's a bit foggy on what exactly what they were doing (the brainworms wouldn't stop wriggling about AUs), but I got these itty bitty whumperflies from that vampire lady getting hurt. That was weird because 1) I've only had whumperflies off the ladies once before watching Cybergirl which was SO long ago, and 2) I never have had them from watching a side-character, I usually have to be emotionally invested.

Weird right?? Absolutely wild though!

Anyway, that's pretty much everything, even though I've seen and read a fair few things lol, hope you enjoyed my rambling!

[teen--marvel]

✨nine people i’d like to get to know✨

thank you for the tag @familyvideowithsteve & @yourfavoritewitchbitch

What "old person" things do you do? i like doing jigsaw puzzles?? idfk

Last three books (or fics!) you've read : here we fucking go!! 1. if he had been with me by laura nowlin 2. twisted love by ana huang 3. confess by colleen hoover bonus: king of wrath by ana huang (audiobook)

At a movie theater, which arm rest is yours? either or. i don't care.

Vintage or new? eh, depends on the item.

Favorite part of your daily routine: coffee.

Are you scared of the dark? eh, not really. maybe? i sleep with a tv..

Marry/Cuddle/Sleep (like. actual sleeping) with: marry steve harrington. cuddle with eddie munson. sleep with stiles stilinski.

Candles, essential oils, or incense? i'm more of a candle girl even though i don't burn them enough, lol

Favorite lyrics right now: the entirety of Begin Again, loml, This Love, I Hate It Here, Down Bad, and imgonnagetyouback by Taylor Swift,

Random fact/story you want to share about yourself: how about facts? i'm a child of divorce, my mom had breast cancer twice and it took her life, i got married at 21 in 2014 (the same year i lost my mom), i can forge my dad's signature lol, i love true crime docs (listening to bailey sarian as i'm typing this, lol), i've had my writing blog @harringtonstilinski for 4 years and 11 days, i have depression, panic disorder and anxiety, i hate going to the store alone... that's about all that i can think of other than i've been into reading books here lately, so if you wanna talk books, my inbox is open <3

i'm tagging: @stiles-o-dylan24 @ageofevermore @fandom-princess-forevermore @freckledjoes @stevesxyellowxsweater @obriengf @running-thru-your-mind @websterss @duskholland (you don't have to participate if you don't want to, lol)

[dead-librarian]

Dec 11, 2021

Pauline said earlier that I should start a diary. So here we are. I don't think I've done anything like this since high school. ....I've had a horrible night.

The past few days have been... eventful. Especially the meeting with Harrison. He knows. Not the whole thing, but he knows. I don't really know why I kept lying. At least I got some more information about J, though.

I fucked up right after the meeting, though, because I wasn't thinking (I mess up a lot because of that, really), and a breach happened. A lady wasn't asleep when I thought she was and she ran off and I didn't tell anyone, like a fucking idiot. ...I'm bound again because of it now, as punishment. Harrison said it was either that or I tell him about the people I care about, and I can't have that. I care about them, and if I think about it too much it seems to be that I don't care as much about things as I used to. I don't want to think about it. ...Anyway, Amy and Chris are some of the only shreds of normalcy I have left. I hate the bond. It's like I'm losing my autonomy all over again, slowly. But there's another part of me that... .... Harrison's blood tasted like Jeremiah's. I didn't think I would ever taste it again. Part of me really wanted to keep drinking. ..I think something's wrong with me. Jeremiah was awful. Still is. I still chase after him, though. He's an unfinished story that I want to figure out (What else do I have left?).

Pauline picked me up after I got bonded. She said I could talk to her, and if I could I would, but... I just can't talk about that- About everything that's on my mind. Or in it (ha).

But I told her it was complicated, with me and J. And it is. I have so many questions for him. He still doesn't fucking tell me anything, but some things never change, I guess.

I wish my headache would go away.

Anyway- We ended up in Pauline's office, and I felt like a complete failure, really, sitting there with the two of them. I've really just been causing them problems- the whole thing was reminiscent of high school, if I'm being honest. Like sitting in an office after "starting a fight". We went off to the territory so Blake could show me a way to feed- well, I think the plan derailed slightly, maybe. He lured someone away (Maybe in the past I'd think it was romantic to share a cigarette like that), and I wasn't sure how to feel about what he was doing at first- and then J had to show up and tell me not to fuck up, but I knew that- and... anyway, in regards to drinking that guy's blood: I can have another sexuality crisis later.

We agreed to have Victor check out the fox that Blake saw at our territory, did a mission for him to deliver a cursed box– well, everyone else agreed with it. I don't like the Hecata; the idea that they can mess with souls make me nervous about what they could do to me, but I had already caused enough trouble for one night. I went along with it. (Just stay quiet so that you don't mess up more. A familiar pattern.) That box was like a cursed magical item from a DnD game. It had souls in it– Two of them.

., Anyway– what the hell was Blake thinking, driving like that?! He caused someone to crash– I think I wasn't as disturbed as I should've been. Pauline didn't seem to pick up on that. Blake lost the box, but we found it again, and I managed to talk the box into being nice to us. I have charm, I suppose. Blake seemed to like the Hecata lady; and I'm questioning his taste, to be honest. Okay, that's not the point of this diary. We helped her with one other task; again, I went along because I didn't want to cause any trouble. I just wanted to go back to my apartment, though- helping her out more wasn't part of the deal! I got the promise of information, though. I think my annoyance outweighs that.

What was even the point of me being there? I didn't even do anything, and then we had to leave because the police showed up for the second time that night, and the souls were screaming for help and I'm not sure if I even cared about that, and now I'm in a shitty motel room scribbling down an attempted coded diary in one of my notepads after breaking down and sobbing in the fucking restroom. God.

fuck.

The bus ride here was... I was alone, really, or as alone as I can be nowadays. I never thought I would miss my eyes hurting from the lights.

Blake and Pauline both got out relatively okay. Pauline seems to be in trouble, though. I hope she's okay. I know I can't tell her what happened to me, but... I don't know. It's nice she's willing to listen, though sometimes I feel bad that she does. Or maybe I just feel bad for both her and Blake in general, since both died younger than me. (I think they were as old as Amy is now.) So much has fucking happened. I'm not good at any of this. Why did J choose me anyway? Why did he even fucking do any of that? Why was I the only one he decided to bind? (Is it selfish to wonder if he even cared? Would that make it better or worse? Would I even care about the answer?) ...He ruined my life. I ruined his. Maybe we're both at fault. Nevermind. This is turning into a rant about an ex, once again. Hopefully I'll remember to keep writing in this. -L

[babygirlaffirmations]

This is gonna be a cliff notes of things to do when you're struggling. Fucking use it you amazing bitch. 🤣

11-18-23

Today's affirmation is short. A message I sent to myself on Facebook to revisit.

"Stop being so mean to yourself. You're worthy as you are. You're enough. You're amazing."

Edit after adding more:

Get back into old habits. Read. Play switch. Clean your space. Make minis. Change perspective. Comparison is the thief of joy. Especially in poly. Get back into rewatching fav movies. Maybe rewatch some of the saw movies. True crime. Get back into podcasts. Read.

Let yourself get lost in the long distance text convos and videos with Master. But try to be present and enjoy life in visits and in between.

It's okay to let yourself feel.

You're more than your mental illness and neurodivergence. You're amazing. You're beautiful. You're loved. You're an amazing slave, sub, babygirl and kitty. You're an amazing girlfriend and partner and anyone would be lucky to have you in their lives.

Gonna list form that for when I get lonely or need to introvert:

Don't cheapen or lessen yourself for anyone in your life. Get rid of people who take your spoons instead of giving them. And be a confident badass in doing that.

List form of habits for during loneliness or introvert time:

1. Read. (Kushiel's dart, Brie series, new M/s book on bettering my service?)

2. Listen to a podcast. (You used to be into medical murders.)

3. Make it minis.

4. Play with little toys. (Like Peppa and calico critters.)

5. Use little space and slave space as a tool to get enveloped into.

6. Reach out to your support network.

7. Love extra on your stuffies. (And be mindful of how many you have and new stuffy purchases.)

8. List stuffies for sale.**

9. Focus on OF. ** If extra income is needed or just a distraction. These are an option. Number #8 is a big time eater if you need one. Pick the ones you've decided to keep out and put them aside.

10. Clean your space. Or do chores. Your anxiety and depression often lets this one be the first thing to suffer.

11. Possibly find a short walk. Or an out of the house task that includes a walk. Could be just a desire to play Pokemon go. Go to pharmacy for meds or minis. Go to target for minis. Walk to McDonald's for nuggies.

12. Stop being mad at yourself because you keep losing items. It'll only make it worse.

13. Treat yourself like you would a friend. Give yourself some slack. You're your own worst enemy and harshest critic.

14. Remember happy times with Master and be grateful and optimistic. Your brain loves to focus on the negative. Bring it some light.

15. Five step grounding technique.

16. Affirmations. Extra if needed.

17. Look into text resources, kids books, stickers or other tangible anxiety managing resources.

18. Tell yourself only good things about yourself. Don't include *but*. Fight "the bog."

19. You stubborn MF bitch. Use this fucking list. Don't ignore it.

20. Get back into diamond painting.

21. Color for yourself or Daddy. (including using the coloring apps you used to love for clicking color by number.)

22. Play your switch. Get lost in games you used to love. Depression and anxiety have changed you and made you forget what you love.

23. Continue an old phone game. Or find a new one.

24. Look into your obedience app rewards. And plan events and items and ideas around them.

25. Remember no matter how much Master is busy or not in person (or present in person or at a distance) it doesn't make him love you any less. You're wearing his collar MF. He loves you. He chose you. He owns you.

26. Lean into Master's ownership. If you're struggling think extra about how everything you do is to serve him. And he needs you to take care of his property.

27. Reach out to anyone as soon as intrusive self harm thoughts. Immediately. Do not wait.

28. Don't wait until the panic level to reach out to Master for help. Don't feel guilty. Ask for what you need. Avoid the panic.

29. Internet shopping. Don't go crazy with it. But you're pretty reasonable and good with your money. So that's not likely. Amazon. Self care. Bath items. Soft things. Fidgets. Just extra luxury items. Give in to what your body and mind need to feel better when you're feeling dark. Or when you aren't.

30. Take emergency anxiety medication when you need it. But be mindful of going zombie with the side effects.

31. When not actively in service. Or even in serving. It's okay to take space. Take time to do whatever you need to put yourself first. ⭐

32. If you miss Master extra and he's not available it's okay to lean extra into susu and doodle or zoozoo or something else. To rewatch videos. To rewatch pictures. Reread journals. Relive memories. That's what the above are all there for.

33. You're not a failure for your mental illness or anxiety. You're a strong ass bitch. This is your first time ever living alone. And 3 years of it.

34. Your arfid doesn't own you. You're an amazing even if you can't finish a fruit or meal. Don't push yourself very much. YOU WILL GET SICK.

35. Give yourself permission to realize and sit with having a preference. I.e. in person time with Master. But also allow yourself to be present and enjoy the other moments.

36. Be present.

37. Be nice to yourself. Lift yourself up.

38. You're allowed to be proud of yourself. Like how fucking amazing and mature are you for making this list and resource even? A legend. A badass.

39. Fiddle with your day collar. It is literally a fidget. Remember who you serve. Your place. But also that you're so much more than the relationship(s) or friendships you are in. And you have such a big purpose outside of those.

40. Don't be afraid to find new connections. Don't be afraid if you aren't ready yet. That's also okay.

41. Emphasizing leaning into what your body and mind need. Listen to both and your heart. And your vagina. (with caution lol. Avoid burn out)

42. Think of how far you've come. In your life. In the past three years. In your relationship and dynamics. Fucking strong ass bitch.

43. Lean into your build me up playlist. But it's okay if you're sad and need your grief playlist as well.

44. Don't. Shame. Yourself. For any feeling or action you have. THEY'RE ALL VALID. YOU ARE VALID YOU'RE ENOUGH AS YOU ARE.

45. You're fucking funny. You always joke that Impractical jokers and animal videos cure your depression. Use those.

46. It's okay to be afraid of failure. Or success. Or often both.

47. Don't focus as much on the negative. What we don't have. Time lost. Focus on what we have. And time gained.

48. Feeling stuck in your head changes nothing. And doesn't benefit you or Master. Stressing and anxiety doesn't change the circumstance. It doesn't give you control over what you don't have control over. It doesn't make the time going through it any faster. In fact if you feel negative feels for it then it drags out even longer.

49. You're worthy. You're enough as you are.

50. Lean into journaling if you're lonely. And reading if bored. And other things on the list in combination if either or both.

51. We don't give up when things get hard. My fav current plan. "Stick to the plan. You knew it wouldn't be easy."

52. Pick up an old (HEALTHY) hyper fixation.

53. Your anxiety is lying to you.

If even one thing on the list helps even the smallest lightest bit then this list was worth it and a success. And it's already helped build your confidence in your amazingness. So you've already won.

[i-cant-sing]

Promise: Yandere Godfather Hawks x Todoroki reader

This is a side story takes place in the YRHR series, after part 1, when the reader returns home, blind.

Check out my MASTERLIST for more!

"Y/n... Come on, wake up. Its 9 already." You heard him say, feeling the bed dip as he sat on it, gently touching the back of your shoulder. "Aren't you hungry? Mom's making your favourite."

When you gave no response, Shotou pulled the covers away from your face, his brows furrowing at the bandages around your eyes that had loosened up. You had did that, clawing at the meticulously tight knot Natsuo had done; you didn't like how it settled on your eyes.

"You're awake, right?" The only answer he got was you turning your cheek further away from him when he tried to caress it. Shotou didn't like your silence and he missed it when you used to ramble about almost anything to him. He missed when you were happy.

The door bell rang.

Shotou looked at his watch confused. Wasn't Natsuo supposed to come around at 11? He could hear Enji walking to the main door, and after a few seconds of silence, he heard footsteps coming towards your room. But then he heard some scuffling, and people talking- he recognised Enji's and Dabi's voices, his brother's getting louder by the second.

"I'll check who's there. Stay."

Stay? You would've rolled your eyes if, you know, you still had them.

A few more minutes passed and you could hear Dabi arguing with someone, and you think that Shotou is trying to calm him down. Deciding to take advantage of the situation, you got up from the bed. For the past whole month, Shotou would come to wake you up everyday, carrying you in his arms to the bathroom, never letting you walk on your own, claiming "you'll get hurt".

Idiot.

Taking one small step at a time, you stretched your arms out trying to reach the wall. Once you felt the cold, smooth surface, you used it to guide you towards the door.

No matter what you did, or how many times you told them to back off, that you can do this on your own, they wouldn't let you. Hell, you were pretty sure that if they could, they would breathe for you too. As if trying to instil in your mind that you're helpless without them, incapable of making your own decisions.

I'll show them how fucking capable I am.

After stubbing your toe only once, you finally reached the door, your hand gripping the metal knob. You placed your ear on the door, trying to figure out who and where everyone is standing. The corridor seemed empty and you think everyone is downstairs.

Opening the door, you used another wall to guide you towards the stairs. You hoped Shotou doesn't see you; he'd throw a hissy fit at you attempting to walk down the stairs.

As you took one careful step at a time, you heard the commotion grow louder. You could hear Dabi yelling profanities at the other person, certainly not Enji because Rei or Fuyumi would've stepped in by now to stop him. You used to stop him too, but ever since what happened, you don't really care anymore.

"Why the fuck are you even here?! She doesn't fucking want to see you!"

"Dabi-!"

"And who is gonna stop me? You? I'd be happy to knock you down on your ass- its about goddamn time!"

"Hawks!"

Hawks?

Hawks.

Hawks!

You almost stumbled down the last few steps, but you needed to know- was he, was he really here?

"K-Keigo?"

You heard his wings flap before you felt him, the wind gushed at your body strongly, making you lose your balance. But muscular arms wrapped around you before you could fall, and the winged hero lifted you up and spun you around, making you burst into laughter.

Rei was the first one to cry.

You laughed.

Not a bitter, sarcastic one.

A genuinely happy laugh.

And she missed her baby's laugh so much.

Dabi's eyes widened slightly. His heart clenching up a bit as he realised how he missed that beaming look on your face. He realised how fucking naive you were, how you were his little sister that he needed to protect.

Shotou felt envy. Why- why didn't you laugh like that with him? Why didn't you laugh for him? Was he... not a good brother?

Fuyumi actually rushed out of the kitchen when she heard you, her hands coming up to her mouth to suppress the sob that was building up. Too long. It had been too long since you were happy.

Natsuo smiled. He smiled as he saw you chortle when the hero's feathers tickled your cheek. He wished you would smile more often.

Enji's breath hitched as he saw you chuckle into Hawk's shoulder. It was so natural, so lively, so radiant. He had been dying to hear that sweet sound again.

Your heart was beating fast and your stomach was doing somersaults as you felt the air rushing through your hair and cooling on to your neck, the soft feathers brushing across your skin.

He really was here.

But so were they.

And you could feel their eyes on you.

Keigo frowned when he saw you curl yourself into him, as if trying to bury yourself into his chest. When he looked around, he saw them glaring and that's when he puffed out his wings before curling them around you; shielding you.

"I'll be spending time with my goddaughter. Do not disturb us." And with that, Hawks flew you up to your room, locking the door before they could sat anything. He could hear Dabi arguing, but he trusted Enji to handle him.

He set you on your bed, chuckling as you didn't let go of his collar.

"Its okay, dove. I'm here, now- ow!" You cut him off by punching his arm.

"Where were you?!"

"In your heart- ow! Stop hitting me!" He caught your wrists.

"You said you were gonna visit me at home! Its been a whole month-"

"I know, I know. I'm sorry but believe me, I really was busy!" Sighing, he continued. "The hero commission sent me to Europe for a mission and things got a bit messy, so I got caught up."

Yanking your hands out of his grip, you scowled. "Would it have killed you to call?"

"I mean I wouldn't say kill, but I probably could've lost a limb or two-" He started laughing when when you began getting up to walk to the door.

Keigo wrapped his arms around you, smiling cheekily"Y/n- I'm sorry, I'm just kidding. Come back-"

"No, let go! I don't have time for your bullshit" He continued laughing, easily picking you up and dropping you back on your bed.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Come on, now. Stop being mad." You heard him shuffling. "Besides, I've got something for you!"

He dropped something in your lap. You picked an item, your hands feeling around it, trying to figure out what the rectangular shaped box was.

"Whats this?"

"Oh, here. Let me help you." He lifted the lid of the box and you were immediately hit by a familiar smell.

"Chocolate?"

He hummed in confirmation"Your favourite ones too! They were always sold out! Luckily, I was able to use my charm on the owner."

"Charm? Oh, you mean where you pull that ugly smirk and do that half lidded look with your eyes, and you think that you look hot but you actually just look creepy?"

"Yeah- hey!"

And then the next 3 hours were spent like that, Hawks telling you about Europe and the bad guys he caught, you telling him about the way your family had been treating you.

"They don't let me do anything, they don't give me any privacy! Its like- its like they want me to be a doll!" You gave an exasperated sigh. "They- they act like they are being so generous. Like it was somehow my fault that my eyes got fried!"

"Oh come on. They can't be that bad-"

"They are! So much worse than before. Look, I'm a grown up- I need my space too! You know what Shotou said when I asked him to get me a walking stick? He said I don't need one since he can carry me everywhere. Do you know how embarrassing it is to get carried to the toilet every single day? Do you?!"

"Well, no-"

"And then Fuyumi cuts up my food and spoon feeds me herself! I know I'm blind but its not like I'm gonna stuff the food up my nose or something!"

The hero snickered at that.

"And then Enji reads me these novels or the newspaper and he skips over the parts he thinks I'm too "young" or "immature" to understand! They even monitor what I listen to! Fuyumi or Shotou would be quick to change the channel if something above pg 10 comes on!" You ran a hand through your hair frustratedly. "I asked Enji to get me a Braille and the first few time he pretended like he didn't hear me, before finally saying that I don't need one!"

"Don't worry, I'll sneak in a Braille for dummies the next time I visit."

"Hey-! Wait... what do you mean "next time"?"

"Oh come on! I promise I'll come earlier next time. Maybe in like 2 weeks-"

"No."

"What-"

"No. I want to leave this place today. You promised."

"Y/n-"Keigo reached to place a hand on your shoulder but you pushed him off.

"You. Promised. You said you'll get me out of here when I leave the hospital" You inhaled deeply. "Well, guess what, Hawks? Its been a whole month."

"I know but you're not well enough-"

"I AM! If anything, staying here is harming me more!" Your tone was getting angrier. "You said- you said you would take me away from them."

"I can't do it right now. The hero commission needs me-"

"I need you! Or am I just not worth your time?"

"Please, dove- try to understand. How will I take care of you if I'm out at the agency?"He tried to pet your head but you smacked his hand away, snarling at him.

"You're a liar. A big fucking liar! Was this the plan all along? To give me hope that you'll save me, only to fucking crush it?!" The hero managed to dodge the box of chocolates you threw at him. "I don't need fucking chocolate or your stupid presents. I need to get out of this goddamn house!"

The hero began walking towards the door. "You're not thinking rationally- I'll- I'll leave." But before the hero could manage to take another step, you were leaping towards him, but since you couldn't see, you only managed to fall near his feet. When he grabbed your shoulders to help you up, you were quick to latch onto him, wrapping your arms around his torso tightly.

"No- no! Don't go. Please, I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I don't know why I said that. Please, don't be mad. I swear I'll behave, just don't leave me here!" Your hold onto him was becoming painfully tight.

Keigo felt like someone was breaking his heart piece by piece as he looked at you. The way your body shook from your pitiful sobs, the way you held onto his jacket as if your life depended on it- he was forced to remember how vulnerable you looked the night he brought you back to the this house. The same night when you begged and begged him to fly you away, that you'll do anything as long as he didn't dropped you back at the Todoroki estate.

"Y/n- darling, love, listen to me. I promised you that I'll keep you save, didn't I? I promise I'll come back soon-"

"YOU BROKE YOUR PROMISE! CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT SHE'S DONE TO ME! SHE BURNED MY FUCKING EYES HAWKS! I'M FUCKING BLIND! DO I NEED TO LOSE A LIMB FOR YOU TO GET ME OUT OF HERE?! DO I HAVE TO SUFFER FROM ANOTHER "ACCIDENT"?!"

Hawks knew that bitch Rei did this on purpose, he knew and it killed him that he couldn't save you from her. He wanted to tell you that he believed you, and he was preparing a place for you. But the hero knows your siblings were eavesdropping, right on the other side of the door.

He had to be careful and play the fool if he wanted to get you out of this hell hole.

"Y/n please-"

You shook your head repeatedly, pulling him closer to you as you shrieked at him. "No. NO! I wont let you go! I WON'T LET YOU LEAVE WITHOUT ME! Keigo, I'm begging you! Take me with you, please! I'll die! I'll die! I'LL FUCKING DIE, KEIGO! PLEASE!"

Your loud screams had your siblings bursting through the door, obviously using a spare key. "Y/n, whats wrong-" You jumped away when they touched your shoulder, giving Hawks chance to slip away.

You instantly reached out for him, flailing your arms around to get a hold of him again. But the hero was already out the door and your siblings quickly pulled you back into their arms, shushing you, trying to calm you down.

But you were inconsolable. Thrashing around in Shotou's arms, you kept begging for Hawks to come back. "HAWKS COME BACK! LET ME GO! HAWKS, PLEASE! I'LL DIE! I'LL DIE! I'LL DIE!" It pained them to see you like this, so hysterical; Shotou and Fuyumi whispered sweet nothings but you payed them no mind. Natsuo knew you were going to hyperventilate soon, but he was more worried about you bursting a vessel in your head.

Thinking fast, he quickly brought up a tranquilliser- and the moment the sharp smell of the alcohol swab hit your nose, you were wrestling harder to get out Shotou's and Fuyumi's arms.

"Y/n, please calm down-"

"FUCK YOU! LET ME GO! KEIGO! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! COME BACK- STOP! STOP TOUCHING ME! STOP!" You screamed louder than before when you felt her cold hands gripping your arm, holding it still so that your brother could administer the dose.

As the drug began taking effect, your thrashing slowed down before you finally slumped into Shotou's arms. The tranquilliser numbed the headache that was forming, and you felt Fuyumi use a tissue to wipe the snot and the spit off your face.

"I'll die... I'll die... And you won't be there. And I'll die..."

Hawks was in a trance like state as he watched Shotou tuck you under the covers. He wanted to use his sharp feathers to slice off that cold bitch's hand that brushed the hair out of your face, before pressing a kiss to your forehead. Your daunting screams rang through his ears; his chest felt like some was shoving a knife through it slowly as he played back the image of you trying to wring yourself free from their arms, one hand still reaching out for him. It took everything in him not to grab it and pull you away from those monsters, but he had to remind himself of the bigger picture.

Lost in his thoughts, he didn't even notice the pyromaniac standing next to him until he spoke.

"This is all your fault."

Hawks looked at Dabi. His fault?

"You shouldn't have come here."

"She's my goddaughter-"

"Shut the fuck up." Dabi narrowed his eyes at the hero. "She's like this because you gave her false hope. Hope, that one day she'll get away from us. You and I both know that's not gonna happen." He sighed before continuing. "You call yourself a hero, but in reality, you're no better than us."

As Hawks turned to leave, not willing to let the villian get on his nerves, Dabi spoke again.

"Dont bother coming back. She won't forgive you. She'll never forget this betrayal."

Hurtful as they were, he knew the words he said were true.

Hawks was almost out the gates when he saw Enji sitting in the garden, looking at the koi pond. He should've left, should've flown away but there was something in Enji's eyes that had the winged hero walking towards him. He recognised the emotion as soon as he got close.

Sorrow.

Or was it guilt?

Perhaps a mixture of both.

"Endeavour, are you... alright?"

The number 1 hero looked away from the fish and blinked at him.

"Hawks? What are you still doing here?"

The blonde chuckled nervously. "I was just on my way out." He gazed at him. "Are you okay? You seem to be in deep thought."

Enji only stared at him. Taking his silence as the answer, Hawks turned to leave.

"Why did you come here today, Keigo?"

Keigo.

He suppressed the urge to shudder the way his name rolled off his tongue.

"She's my goddaughter too. Why? Do you think it was a bad decision to come?"

"No." Enji sighed. "I just- she hadn't laughed like that in a long time."

Hawks stood beside him. "She's still traumatised from the kitchen accident. Its understable-"

"No. She hadn't laughed like that for a long time, even before this happened." Enji's eyes moved towards the night sky. The stars were twinkling extra bright tonight. How he wished you could see it. "Before she lost her sight, she used to look out the window, her eyes searching sky." He gulped. "She was looking for you, Keigo. You- you made her happy, you make her laugh. I don't."

Hawks placed his hand on Enji's shoulder. "That's not true, Enji. You do make her happy. She loves you. She feels safe with you. She sees you as her protector."

"She does?"

He nodded. "Of course. If you want things to return to normal, you need to treat her normally too. Just- just talk to her. Sort out the issues and wash away whatever fears she has." Hawks wanted Enji to listen to you, to really listen to you and protect you from Rei. He could only hope that Enji understood what he meant.

Hawks was right, Enji realised. Whatever delusions you have of Rei wanting to hurt you on purpose, of being the "bad person", they can all be cleared up if he just talked to you. Ever since the incident, the family avoided talking to you about Rei or the events that had occurred that day.

If he just talked to you, things will return to normal. You'll become happy again.

"Thank you, Keigo."

Hawks only smiled in return. "I'll be leaving now."

"Okay. When will you visit again?"

"I'll be gone for longer now. The hero commission is sending me on another mission again."

"Oh. Safe travels, then."

As Hawks flew away, he began thinking about the house.

The house where he was going to take you to soon. He just needs to add a few finishing touches before he sets his plan in motion. The plan to rescue you, and eventually Enji, from those sadist that call themselves your family.

He will not let his dove get hurt again.

He'll save you this time.

He promises.

Thoughts?

Idk how this turned out, angst wasn't the plan initially. Guess I'll write godfather Hawks fluff for another day.

Anyways, now that this is done, I'll start working on RE 8 fic now.

[butterballbuttnakey]

Lingerie:

I was digging around in my google docs and I found this. Potential trash writing ahead

Okay so maybe it’s the night after an awards show and shawn won big right?  

He looked good as FUCK in his suit on the carpet and he looked good as fuck when he was performing and he looked good when he was accepting his awards and he looked even better when you guys got to the after party and you got a couple drinks in you 

To be fully honest, you wanted to skip the after parties all together and get him home bc you had a PLAN to congratulate him on all his hard work 

Unbeknownst to you, Shawn also wanted to head straight home and start his own, two-person after party but his team had other plans 

Shawn had a few celebratory shots before switching to your personal favorite; red wine 

He eyes you over the rim of his second glass and he doesn’t need to say a word for you to know what he’s saying; you’re in for a long night 

You pull out your phone below the table and shoot him a text; ‘we’re leaving by 1:30. I have plans for you’ 

You and Shawn have a small stare down while you wait for his phone to ding, at which point you watch him pull his phone out and read the message 

A slow smirk spreads across your face when you watch Shawn freeze in his seat as a small noise from the back of his throat makes its way to your ears 

Shawn looks around frantically, hoping no one heard the noise as he shifts in his seat, willing his chubbing length to just wait a little longer 

The wine he’s been drinking has dialed his senses to 11, and he reacts to you without you even speaking a word to or touching him 

He both hates and love it 

It takes Shawn all of one minute to order an Uber and come up with an excuse to leave, too impatient to wait until the time you’d specified 

“Thanks for tonight guys, but we’re gonna head home and get some rest, right honey?” 

Shawn stands from the table, using the napkin and his movement as a cover to adjust himself some more. He hopes that when he finally drops it, nobody notices the fact that the crotch of his pants is visibly tighter than before (you absolutely notice) 

The team looks confused but they bid the two of you farewell as you make your rounds giving hugs and kisses to everyone 

You and Shawn lock eyes as you exit the restaurant, and luckily you don’t have to wait long outside before the Uber pulls up 

Shawn prides himself on his restraint but the ride back to the hotel tests it to no end as he somehow manages to keep his hands off of you, but has a borderline white-knuckle grip on his own knee as he looks out the window, willing the passing scenery to distract him from the ache in his dress slacks 

Shawn thanks his lucky stars that there are no fans waiting outside of the hotel when the car finally stops, allowing him to help you out of the car, thank the driver and whisk you inside and straight to the elevator 

Once inside the elevator, Shawn stands directly in front of you, length pressed to your thigh 

He stares down at you desperately, willing you to do something, anything to set this plan of yours in motion 

But you do nothing except reach past the lapels of his button-down and finger the gold chain sitting between his collarbones 

You walk past him without sparing a glance once the elevator reaches your floor, with Shawn trailing behind you like a lost puppy 

You stop, dig in his back pocket for the keycard and enter your suite, passing a quick thought to whichever Deity may be listening, I hope there’s no one next door 

You don’t get far inside the room before Shawn’s restraint finally breaks and he pins you against the wall and seals his lips against yours 

His kiss leaves you breathless, as it always does 

Between his lips and his impatiently wandering hands, your mind goes blank. Any inkling of your plan for the night flying out the window 

You seemingly black out for a moment, lost in him and his body and the things he can make you feel even before he takes a single item of clothing off of you 

It isn’t until the cool air of the hotel room hits your thigh that you come back to earth, gently pushing Shawn away from your neck where he was no doubt working on making a mark 

“Baby,” you moan out, carding your fingers through his hair in an effort to pull him back, but it only spurs him and ministrations on 

“Shawn.” you say more firmly, waiting a moment before Shawn's face appears in front of yours 

He looks fucked in the best way possible 

His eyes are blown wide, the soft hazel replaced by solid black. His lips are kiss swollen, shiny and parted due to his heavy breathing. His hair is tousled due to your fingers and, as you glance down at his bare shoulders you realize that you somehow got his shirt off 

And he’s looking at you like a wolf looks at its prey 

“What is it, honey?” His voice is raspy and at least half an octave deeper. The sound goes straight to your core and it takes everything in you to speak instead of kissing him 

“My plan for you, remember?” You say as you lay your hands flat on his pecs and slowly push him away enough for you to move towards the closet, with Shawn following close behind 

Each step is laborious for you, as your body has been craving his since you left for the show and now that you can finally have him in the way that you want, you’re delaying it. 

But you know your patience will be rewarded, so you trudge on. 

You dig in the closet for a moment before locating the item you need, hiding it behind your back with one hand while you use the other on his chest to back him towards the bed before having him sit,  

“I’ll be out in a moment, Leo.” You run your thumb over his plump bottom lip, relishing in the look of him kissing the pad of your finger before his tongue peeks out in a quick kitten lick.  

You giggle before turning away towards the bathroom but not before Shawn lands a swift slap to your right asscheek 

You turn back to look at him, and he has his bottom lip trapped between his teeth, his left hand palming himself over his pants. 

He makes a show of making sure you see him watching your ass, before meeting your eyes with a look that makes your heat clench around the air in anticipation of the feeling of him stretching you out later. “Hurry up baby girl. I don’t wanna have to come in there and get you.” 

You’re incredibly happy that the skirt of your after-party dress hides the way you squeeze your thighs together to alleviate the ache deep within you at the sound of his voice, as you yet again question why you’re torturing yourself by denying yourself the feel of his body right now 

You turn and hightail it into the bathroom before you throw the entire plan out the window, damn near slamming the door and backing away from it like it burned you. 

You take a moment to regain your composure, “damn that man.” you mumble quietly to yourself as you unzip the bag and take out the set that’s inside 

It’s a strappy, lacy white number, a look that Shawn gravitates towards every time he peeks over your shoulder whenever you’re lingerie shopping online 

You undress and slip it on, admiring the way the cut of the set compliments your curves and the gorgeous juxtaposition of the diamond white lace & mesh against your skin 

You pull the other item out of the bag—a robe—and slip it on. Tying it so the lapels cover the lingerie completely, but leave the valley between your breasts exposed 

You turn in the mirror and check yourself over to make sure the set is covered; the robe is relatively short, hitting you high on your thighs and right below your bum 

You comb your fingers through your hair to refresh the bouncy curls. You relish the moment because you knew the style won’t last much longer once Shawn gets his hands on you; he never stopped until your style was fully sweated out 

You pause to take a deep breath before opening the door and walking back into the bedroom to find shawn standing by the window with another glass of wine in his hand 

He's leaning against the wall, looking out over the city and you don’t even need to see his face to know that he’s wrapped in his own mind again and doesn’t even know that you’ve entered the room 

You take your time looking at him, the curls on the back of his head, the curves and divots of his biceps as they’re folded across his chest, the broad expanse of his shoulders and the corded muscle underneath his smooth skin, the dimples in his lower back, the band of his boxers peeking out from his pants, the way the fabric strains against the muscled thickness of his thighs 

Your admiration comes to an abrupt end when shawn drains the rest of the wine in the glass and turns to put it back on the bedside table. You take the opportunity to catch his attention 

You approach him slowly, letting him take his visual fill of your body before you’re within arm's reach of him 

A slow smirk spreads across his lips as he runs his hands around the width of your hips, fingering the hem of your robe but not quite breaching it, “What’s this, honeypot?” 

You slide the palm of your hands up his chest to rub your thumb over his pronounced collarbone, taking your time to experience the smooth warmth of his skin versus the coarse texture of his chest hair versus the cool metal of his necklace. You relish in the visual of Shawn preening at the contact 

“You put so much into everything you do and you’ve been working so hard lately with the album and getting the tour together, and tonight you finally saw some of the fruits of that labor and, I never got to say this at the show or at dinner, but I’m so proud of you, Anjo and I love you so much.” 

Shawn blushes before connecting his lips to yours in a slow kiss and you don’t hesitate to comb your fingers into his hair as he wraps his arms around your waist to pull you flush against him 

The mood has changed; gone is Shawn’s impatience to get you as naked as possible as fast as possible. It's been replaced with slow, passionate, sensuality in the way he kisses you. Shawn takes his time feeling you, like he’s never felt you before.  

The heat from his wandering hands burns through the satin robe, and straight to your core as you cling to him 

Shawn slowly pulls his lips from yours, but doesn’t pull out of your airspace, “I love you so fucking much.” 

You smile and say nothing, only taking his hand and guiding it to the tie at the front of your robe, keeping your eyes locked on his as you step back to untie the bow, opening the robe and letting it drop to the floor at your feet 

Shawn's eyes on your body make you feel simultaneously vulnerable and powerful 

You want to cover up and hide but you also feel like you can take on the world, all just from him looking at you the way that he does 

Shawn takes his time taking you in visually. His eyes linger on your face before sliding to your collarbones and your chest, to the dip of your waist and the spread of your hips, to the soft roundness of your thighs and all the way down to your feet 

Then Shawn reaches out and takes your hand, stopping the nervous tick of your finger twitching against your skin, “Turn for me, baby.” 

You do as instructed, turning around to show the back of the set for Shawn to repeat his ministrations 

You can feel the weight and the intensity of his gaze on your skin as he looks at you, taking you in and deciding which part he wants to devour first. 

He gently tugs your hand, instructing you to turn back around to face him. 

His eyes are still in the area of your knees when you look at his face but when his eyes finally meet yours, it knocks the breath from your lungs 

Your mind goes blank, senses attuned to him and only him and what he’s planning on doing to you 

You don’t wait long before Shawn's slowly pulling you into him, trapping you within his arms as every aspect of him invades every aspect of you when his lips meet yours 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

When Shawn finally collapses next to you—completely spent of everything he had to give you and full of everything you had to give him—you look out the window to see the first colors of the sunrise over the horizon 

[mightyvoj]

PAWRENT

description : you've just adopted a samoyed that is in this animal shelter near your house. the samoyed is a male, he's very fluffy, clean, and well groomed. you brought him to your house. after getting him settled down, the feeling of tiredness hits you. and by the time you wake up, there are a pair of arms that's wrapped securely around your waist.

pairings : lee jeno × reader

genre : romance, fluff, hybrid, shapeshifters, samoyed!jeno, love at first sight

warnings! : lil curse words, loneliness #notproofread ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

› 〉 📂 .ೃ

"fuck, i am so hecking lonely" you said lying in your bed. it was currently like 12 in the middle of the night. living alone for the past year has got you feeling alone most of the time, being away from your parents and your siblings was pretty hard. sometimes you just feel like as if you were stranded alone in an empty island.

"i want some companion..." you said as your eyes get teary. wiping your tears away, you opened your phone to see the nearest pet adoption center in your area. theres this adoption center that you've found and you are planning to visit tommorow.

looking at the time right now. "shit, it's already 1.00 a.m. i need to go to sleep. the adoption center opens at 8.00 a.m. and closses at 7.00 p.m. so maybe i'll drop by at 11"

"am hoping to find a puppy to bring home tommorow" you yawn, feeling you're tiredness grew bigger than before.

the next day, you woke up at about 9 and got ready to go to the adoption center. once you're done you got into you're car and drove away to the adoption center.

once you got there, one of the staff leads you to meet some of the puppies and dogs. there's this fluffy samoyed that catches your eyes, the samoyed itself was also drawn to you. he ran towards you and starts sniffing at you, he stands and put his two front arms on your upper thighs. you petted him on his head and he enjoyed it. and at that very moment you have fallen in love!

the samoyed was about 1.5 years old, he is a stray that was found near a train rail. the poor baby was lost, and someone had founded him and took him to the adoption center.

once you are done with all the adoption papers and stuff, you drove to a pet store to get a collar, a harness, dog food, and some dog bowls. you brought him along with you to pick his own collar by sniffing one of them. he picked this balck collar with a bone name tag on it that matches with his white fur. after you pay for all of the items, you went home.

once you got to your aprtment, he sniffed all over the place. he pee'd at the corner of your room just adapting to his new living space. the apartment building itself allows the residents to have pets so it's all good.

"what shall i name you? the animal shalter said that your name was unknown and they had not picked a name for you yet..." thinking about names makes your head hurts, so mamy choices you got on your mind but nothing seems to fit and clicked with the fluffy animal.

by the time you guys got home, it was already 5 and you haven't had any lunch. you just had a pb and j sandwich and some milk, but you are super tired from all the driving and preparation that you fell asleep on top of your bed as soon as you lay on it.

you were woken up because of the warmth that you have felt. feeling as if you were hugged by a person, but you live alone didn't you?

you realised that there were a pair of arms that's wrapped securely around you waist, holding you in their embrace.

"shit, who is this?" you mumbled under your breath. you turned around to face the person. once you've turned you were met with this peaceful and handsome sleeping face. you nearly screamed, because the man in front of you suddenly opened his eyes.

his eyes shined as it met yours. "hi, i'm jeno! i'm the samoyed that you've just adopt from the animal shelter!" the man said still hugging you in place.

"wait, what? really? how?" he chuckled as he sees your now confused face. "yes, i can shapeshift but only from humans to a samoyed" he explained. "wait, are you really nono?" you asked

"who's nono?" the men got confused to

"the samoyed, i was going to name him that"

"cutee, i am him. i can show you y'know... i can become nono like now."

*jeno shapeshifts.

"bark bark!" the samoyed is now currently on your bed, with you. "so you really are nono! but how? and why are you in my bed?" you pet the fluffy samoyed then he turns back to his human form.

"i am, i liked youu! you seem kind and caring so i got comfortable with you right away!"

"so do you want me to call you nono or jeno?"

"you can call me both, nono is kind of like my name to since my real name is jeno! if your wondering why am i a stray, i got lost and somebody had found me and brought me to the animal shelter."

"what had made you picked and adopt me at the animal shelter?"

"you know, i was drawn the second that i looked at you. kind of like love at fisrt sight, like you just expirienced you got comfortable with me the second that you looked at me. that was what i felt too!" you answered "plus, i need a companion... that's why im looking for a pet, i'm an anti-social and i don't really have many friends around here. i moved away from my family for college, that is why i live here alone... welp, i got my companion now!"

"by the way, i don't have any clothes for guys do you want to buy some maybe? it's cold you know?" seeing him being shirtless in this fall weather makes you feel cold already. "it's okay, we can buy it tommoroww" he said, hugging you and burrying his face in the crook of your neck.

"okay then"

"since you're worried about me being cold, then please warm me up by hugging me back! thank youuu" he said cutely, you chuckled the smiled. your reflex reacted by slowly petting his fluffy black hair. and you've now realised that you have really fallen in love in first sight with jeno. and so is he had fallen in love with you!

a/n - just a short little something, feeling super hecking single and lonely rn that's why i got inspired becuz i literally had been imagining that my fucking pillow could turn into a man and be my boyfriend for the rest of my lyfe. i know i'm crazy. but don't judge me, thank you.💀👍

[jungxk]

just one (viii)

summary: the only guy on campus who’s track record trumped that of your best friend’s - park jimin - was jeon jungkook. not that that was a problem…until he set his sights on you.

notes: first of all i wanna thank the people who supported me and encouraged me through one of the worst writers blocks of my life. all the messages and comments are the reason why i finally managed to post this. special thanks to @whippedforkook for helping me with the monstrous tagging process as well as giving me so much praise. and also @lonelyending for cheering me on for a literal YEAR bc thats how long i cried over this fic! this story is so special to me. we’re in the home stretch now x

warnings: mentions of illegal drug use and distribution, swearing, brief smut.

genre: drama, romance, humour, college!au

wordcount: 8k

tagging: @cutechim @benz-biarritz @gyukult @bangulin @eatersanonymous @alyssa1926 @skivv1es @a-sucker-for-them-sappy-shit @moonights @jeymuffins @juuneaux @catsukiii @andreaisaac @whatheydontunderstand @sreveles @noruls619 @henryharios @just-a-fuxked-up-kid @befriendswithj @btsbesharam @poemsandpunani @taelha @misosoup-forthesoul @jikooksmut @heart-eyedmf @the-piano-woman @angrysunshine @chaoticpaperfanhoagie @jsungshine @ci-yen @faby-montana @shinypeanutsportshero @jooniestrivia @alucards-s @cynamyngirl @jiminie-angel @myskoova @jkshoneybuns @smokintae @remmykinsff @majinbuwu @jangx2manboongx2 @potatodogs @seul-queen @alpharyth @blenxxxg @plsky @th-singularity @bapbaptothetop @hermiones-enchantment @stomachfilledwithbutterflies @euphorora @supachloe94 @jiminxjimout @ggukkieland @just-another-fic-recs-blog @jalexad​

part i // part ii // part iii // part iv // part v // part vi // part vii // part viii // part ix // part x

x

4 years ago

x

jimin hated yugyeom.

well, maybe hate was a strong word. he just didn't like talking to him, being around him, hearing his name or interacting with him on any level, social or otherwise. he really tried though, since he was one of jungkook's closest friends and still respectfully referred to him as hyung above all else. and if anything, jimin would always have a soft spot for jungkook, the kid he used to coddle when his own brother wasn't around. but having said that, there wasn't really much basis for not liking yugyeom. it was just a gut feeling jimin couldn't explain, a very subtle callousness about him only jimin could pick up on. for the most part he was just like very other mild mannered boy by day and party animal by night, but jimin still ducks when he sees him enter the library.

"fuck," he hisses under his breath, scooping up his laptop to stride behind a book shelf for good measure. because sometimes, contrary to popular belief, jimin wanted to be alone. he didn't want to make small talk or listen to someone tell him about how well they scored on their last paper or complain about their annoying girlfriend. sometimes jimin wanted to have no thoughts and listen to fleetwood mac as per his human rights. which is why he shoves into the first private study room he sees.

and not an empty one at that. there's a girl inside, sitting cross-legged in her chair at a desk with an array of dried up paint tubes and brushes surrounding open sketchbooks. you don't look annoyed or even that phased, just amused as you give him a once over before going back to painting. "on the run from solji?"

jimin blinks, back still pressed against the door. "huh?" he regards you properly. "i'm sorry, have we met before?"

"not really," you admit with a sheepish smile, which is when jimin suddenly realises that you're...attractive. "solji is in my stats class. you hooked up with her last week at some party and she told me about it."

"oh," jimin takes in your plethora of art supplies. "you don't look like a stem student."

there's a glimmer of something in your eyes, and though you hide it well jimin knows he's struck a nerve. "yeah, i get that a lot."

"it's not solji by the way," jimin clarifies. for some reason. "that i'm hiding from. just a bellend i don't have the energy for right now."

you smile. "it's fine. you don't owe me your life story."

"i do when i'm about to impose on your...study time," jimin peers through the window in the door, wincing when yugyeom enters the hallway. "what would it take for you to let me stay in here for a while?"

you pause for a second. "honestly? just be quiet and leave me alone. is that okay?"

jimin perks up, a weight leaving his chest. "perfect, actually."

x

x

x

[jungkook 11:42pm]: why does it say wings on it

[jungkook 11:42pm] where is it flying

[you: 11:43pm] ffs kook

[you: 11:44pm] im still on the toilet can u just hurry up

[you 11:44pm] grab some tampons too pls

[jungkook 11:46pm] fine what size pussy do u wear

[you 11:46pm] i hate u

[jungkook 11:53pm] ???? ? ? well? ????

[you 11:54pm] REGULAR 

jungkook giggles at his phone, already having left the women's sanitary aisle to grab some chocolate. months later and teasing you was still bundles of fun. he knew for a fact that you were sat there with that angry pout on your face, nose crinkled. he had never bought anything like this before, but jungkook had enough brain cells to know that chocolate was another necessity for that time of the month. after grabbing a large hazelnut bar, he pauses beside the oreos before grabbing a packet of those too. just for good measure. he strides to the self checkout - because even he wasn't man enough for the cashier yet - nearly dropping his array of sanitary products and confectionary when somebody calls out his name from behind the queue.

"kook!" the voice is unmistakably yugyeom's, confirmed by the hand that clamps jungkook over the shoulder and swivels him round before he could think about hiding his socially compromising shopping items. it takes a second for yugyeom to notice, doing a double take at the pads atop his small tower of goods. he holds back a laugh, balancing a bottle of gin in one hand while he waves back at some friends to continue. they were clearly making their pit stop before a night out, probably pre's if they still start as late as jungkook remembers. with his hair styled and expensive cologne lingering, jungkook almost forgets he probably looks unrecognisable in his sweats and cotton-fresh hoodie. friday nights weren't for cuddling. still, yugyeom's smile is welcoming and familiar. "got the munchies? and maybe also a uterus?"

"shut up," jungkook grumbles, averting his eyes. he shifts to his other foot uncomfortably. "my friend just needed a favour, that's all."

"uh huh," yugyeom gives him a teasing look. "is this friend the reason why i barely saw you at jin's the other week?"

jungkook blinks back at him. "wait, you were at that party? i had no idea!" a boyish smile breaks over his face. "why didn't you call me? i haven't seen you since-"

"minseok-hyung's new years eve party," yugyeom throws his head back with a laugh. "remember how we ended up on a boat after the ball dropped and-"

"spent all of new years day detained by the coast guard!" jungkook finishes with a mischievous cackle of his own, nearly dropping the tampons in the process. "fuck, that was so much fun! we need to meet up again, i haven't been out with the guys in so long."

"well no wonder," he quips a brow at jungkook's shopping again. "word got out you're a family man but i didn't believe it. until now, that is."

jungkook's smile falls. "what do you mean?"

yugyeom looks at him for a second, confused by jungkook's surprise. yugyeom was never quite as diplomatic as namjoon or yoongi, to put it lightly. and definitely nowhere near as accomodating as jimin. which is why his next words make jungkook's back stiffen. "bro, look at yourself. you got dairy milk in one hand and tampax in the other. on a friday night. the next time i see you i wouldn't be shocked if you had a baby buggy and a mortgage." still, yugyeom throws him an apologetic look. like a mouse caught in a trap. "face it, kook. you're old news."

"what? that's not true," his brows furrow unhappily. "i don't know what you're talking about. it's not like she's my..."

he can't say the word, but it hangs between them like a dead weight.

"yeah, right," the condescending look on yugyeom's face was starting to agitate him. "you totally blanked us at jin's after she showed up. not even just jin's..." he thinks twice about holding his tongue, but as always, decides against it. "i don't know you, jungkook. whoever this new jungkook is. it's been months. you used to hit us up and be independent and spontaneous and wild and now you're just...someone's boyfriend.

"stop fucking saying that," jungkook snaps, all visible signs of friendliness gone.

"why?" a beat. "do you even use a wrap with her anymore?"

jungkook splutters, heat rushing to his ears and hands in a stinging combination of anger and embarrassment. "how is that any of your business? the fuck are you asking me something like that, as if you-"

"thought so," yugyeom looks away from him with a sigh. if anything, yugyeom knew never to overstay his welcome but that clearly backfired tonight. "whatever, jungkook," he looks over his shoulder at him. "guess you're the last one to find out you're officially married."

"you're ridiculous," jungkook scoffs. "all this over condoms? grow up, yugyeom."

"only couples do it raw," yugyeom turns away from him, alcohol in tow as he waves a hand over his shoulder to join his friends like jungkook was nothing but a lost cause. "you would remember that if you still had game."

jungkook stands there, dumbfounded while the group of boys exit the store noisily but he can't hear a thing. the siren that had been itching the back of his mind all this time was suddenly there at full force, right between his eyes. the glaring truth that yugyeom might be right makes his knees buckle. all those rules jungkook once had, all those measures he kept in place to protect his liberty, to prevent this very occurence - where were they? what happened to them? as the sweet and accommodating counterpart to jimin, why had you never complied? though, the blame wasn't on your hands alone. he got complacent, comfortable. lenient. and now without even realising he was here, a scene from a romcom in the middle of the night, with nothing to say for himself but fuck. the realisations wouldn't stop racing, one after another on the conveyer belt of his anxiety.

the photos on his phone; mostly you. time spent, usually with you. the portfolio for his latest photography module also had some resemblance to your interests. charcoal pencils, night drives, orchids. like the ones you always drew on any scrap of paper lying around. now that he thinks about it, he's seen nothing but your orchids for months. and not just that - you wore his clothes sometimes too. his bathroom had your toothbrush, contraceptive pills and coconut shampoo. his closest friends, his hyungs...not one of them was devoid of affection for you. he wasn't even confident that if the choice was presented, they would still pick him over you.

by the time jungkook finishes paying and practically sprints to his truck in a daze, he can hardly keep himself from shaking. he palms the wheel compulsively, he could feel the sweat in his sideburns, hoodie suddenly suffocating him. it smelled of you.

and then, like a final curtain call: was he just your latest fixer-upper project? some good girl wet dream to play out in the wake of your emotionally traumatic past? a slap in the face to seokjin, maybe, and nothing more? when you were done, when he was out of your system, when you knew his taste by heart and had nothing new left to try - would you stay? did you even know how to?

did he?

jungkook starts the engine. he drives to your door, drops your bag of snacks and pads on the porch, and texts you before leaving. he does not go inside.

x

x

x

"you sure you'll be okay with just the boys?"

you scoff at seulgi when she pins you with a worrying look, taking some of her clothes out of her bag to re-fold them just so you had something to do with your hands. jisoo had already left for the long weekend with her family, so there was no one there to fill up the empty space between your awakward reply. you didn't know how to tell the girls that jungkook hadn't contacted you in nearly a month. and even though he was a notable flight risk from the beginning, you couldn't help but feel like there was hostility there. every now and again he'd at least send a nude or have a quick phone call when he was drunk or high at three in the morning, but you hadn't heard a peep from him. you couldn't stand the idea of someone you cared about harbouring comtempt for you, but the fear of reaching out and somehow making the situation worse outweighed it tenfold. 

you look up to see seulgi still staring at you with concern. "of course i'll be fine! they're boys, not piranhas."

"at least piranhas contribute our ecosystem. boys just cause problems for the hell of it," seulgi lays a hand on the crown of your head like a berating big sister, swivelling you to look at her in your fit of giggles. the urge to nestle you under blankets like a baby bird made her chest heave, and you could tell. "i'm serious. if jimin tries anything, call me immediately okay?"

"jimin?" you snort. "out of a room full of delinquents, my ex, and taehyung, you're worried about jimin of all people?"

seulgi wrinkles her nose. "god, when you say it like that its like i'm throwing you to the dogs." she pauses. "something's up with jimin. i don't know what it is, but he's...off."

you tilt your head innocently, remembering the brief interaction you had with hobi at seokjin's party. you had been so caught up in jungkook - or lack thereof - you hadn't thought to press him about it afterwards. in truth, jimin remained as...jimin as ever. if he was acting differently you certainly couldn't tell. "you think so?"

"mmm," she leans on the lip of the open suitcase thoughtfully. "but maybe with jungkook there, he'll behave himself."

you gulp, fiddling with his watch on your wrist anxiously. "maybe."

x

x

x

you nearly yelp when you feel a big hand swivel around your waist, bucking into the kitchen counter reflexively. jungkook always did this before rubbing his boner against your ass, but the light scent of citrus and short squeeze lets you know immediately that its taehyung. hoseok, jimin, namjoon and yoongi were still in the living room playing video games, giving taehyung the perfect opening to intercept you. namjoon and yoongi had insisted that you come over to their place after finding out you'd be alone for the weekend, and you had completely refused before taehyung's coaxing. and of course, jimin's persuasive nudging. even though you felt safe and relaxed here, it felt wrong to be in jungkook's friends' place without him. almost like a breaching of an unspoken boundary.

and clearly, taehyung picked up on your discomfort by the way he stared at you so softly. his back was to the sink, his sillhouette particularly long and lean this evening. "you need to lighten up, princess. you keep looking over your shoulder so much it's making me nervous!"

your visibly droop with a sigh. "i'm sorry tae. i've had a lot on my mind lately, and..."

he claps his hands on your shoulders, teeth peeking through his grin. "you're not doing anything illegal by being here without jungkook."

you wince at his name. "have you always been able to read my mind like this?"

"absolutely," taehyung's brown eyes look so rich up close. "you're allowed to have friends that are also his friends, because - and try to stick with me on this - relationships between people are allowed to be independant from the primary circles they met in. mind boggling concept, i know."

you wack him on the chest until he laughs. "stop making fun of my anxious thought processes! its called mental illness, sherlock! i can't help it!"

his nose scrunches cutely, enjoying your first fiery outburst of the day. "whatever. i call it not getting laid for a month and losing critical thinking abilities from it."

you gape at him indignantly while taehyung roars with laughter. "you're such a dickhead," you hiss through gritted teeth, yanking his hair and jabbing your fingers in his sides the way you would with jimin during a tickle fight. "whores have feelings too, taehyung! whores have feelings too!"

you both fall about with laughter, knocking over half the snacks on the counter in the process which only makes the pair of you laugh even more. it's such childish chaos trying to clean up the mess on the tiny kitchen floor that neither of you notice the front door open, or the gust of metaphorical and literal wind that follows. watching taehyung trying to salvage a bag of broken crisps is just so funny that the presence of an another voice in the living room goes unregistered, as do the footsteps leading up the hallway to the kitchen, so you have no time to brace yourself or properly pull yourself together with you see-

"...jungkook."

yours and taehyung's heads snap to the doorway. jungkook stands there with almost complete lack of emotion on his face to the pair of you kneeling in crumbs and napkins. there's a brief pause where the tension in your eye contact alone was so strong that it felt wrong to breathe. but it is shortlived. jungkook tiptoes over you like spilled milk, reaching for a glass of water. you and taehyung lock eyes while the tap runs in the awkward silence. "hey. you okay?"

"um," you're not sure whether to stand up, hug him, look at him, or even face him. "yeah! yeah, i'm fine."

he nods politely. "hyung?"

even taehyung looks visibly uncomfortable. "i'm good."

"cool. see you later," he says, downing the glass impressively fast before leaving the room just as fast as he entered it.

you and taehyung stare at each other again, not understanding why you both feel like kids caught eating cake before dinner. you could feel the sweat pricking at your back from the realisation. jungkook had no idea you'd be here, and given that interaction he'd probably want to leave now. there was always the inkling woven between his radio silence that he was done with you, but you never let yourself take it seriously out of logic. because how could months of passion and tenderness and honesty be undone so irrevocably like that? it didn't make sense. you hadn't changed. you were the same girl he hit on relentlessly and chased against all odds. so what was different now?

"____," taehyung calls your name gently, and it's only then you realise you're already up and trailing after jungkook into the living room. when you walk in he's already putting his shoes on to leave again, barely making eye contact with you while he chats absently to his hyungs so he can look busy. the four boys on the large sofa can only reply wearily, eyes darting between the pair of you like a firework was about to blow to soon. and it was.

you could feel it in your throat, under your breast bone, bubbling up your stomach. "wait, jungkook. um...h-how have you been? i haven't heard from you in-"

"i've been good," he keeps tying and re-tying his laces without looking up. "super busy. you know how it is."

his curtness makes you flinch. this same time last month jungkook used to kiss you senseless before he had both feet in the door. he'd ring the doorbell incessantly like a child and greet you with the biggest, toothiest grin you had ever seen. he'd make fun of your bed head and squeeze your cheeks until you'd snap at him. and now when he looked at you he hated every second of it. your mother had the same look. your eyes start to burn involuntarily. "yeah, i do. how is uni? your final project is due soon, right? what theme did you pick in the end?"

"the one i told you about," he stands up abruptly. "sorry, noona. something came up. i'll see you arou-"

"something came up?" you step closer to him. "something came up the second you saw my face? or did you really just trek all the way to your hyungs' place for a glass of water, jungkook?"

jungkook stiffens, but is determined not to lose face. and it's difficult to do under your big, accusatory eyes and jimin's death stare at his back. the whole room was waiting for his response, so he just shoves his hands in his pockets resolutely. "i needed to see yoongi hyung, but i can come another time."

you fold your arms. "well it's clearly important, and you're here now. so don't let me stop you."

"but you will stop me," jungkook snaps. "that's the problem."

"kook-ah," yoongi warns quietly, but he took one look at your face and knew the damage was done. jimin was already standing up, circling around the back of the sofa towards you. the red lights were all there; your watery eyes, your trembling hands. every breath you took looked difficult for you to complete and only jimin noticed.

"what are you talking about?" you squint. it takes you a second to understand; yoongi's guilty expression, jungkook's indifference. "oh, you're fucking kidding me." your resolve breaks for a second turning away only to glare back at jungkook with so much fire you can hardly stand it. "you're selling again? are you insane, jungkook?"

"see," jungkook's eyes are stony. "i knew you'd get this way."

"what other way am i supposed to get?" his lack of response only infuriates you more. it felt disrespectful. "jungkook, you're not a kid anymore. if you get caught with drugs the consequences are serious! forget the potential jail time, you could get kicked out of university, it would go on your record forever and-"

"stop talking to me like i'm a kid!"

"then stop acting like one!" you hate raising your voice, but it keeps climbing without your approval. "did you think about this for even five minutes? this isn't like just going to juvie like before and being done with it jungkook. your hyungs can't bail you out of everything."

"this is a lot of talk for someone who lapped up those fancy paints without a second thought," jungkook says darkly. his eyes aren't like you remember, his face solemn and near unrecognisable. "or did you think that getting that kind of money overnight is only something that's possible through daddy's credit card?"

dread blooms like a garden inside you. "that's...that's how you bought the paint set?"

"welcome to the real world," he quips. "as if selling overpriced weed to a bunch of pick-me-freshmans is considered a crime against humanity to anyone but you."

"you think that's why i'm yelling at you right now?" your voice was growing hoarse, desperate. "you think that's the problem i have with you being literal drug dealer, jungkook?"

he hates it. the sweltering silence, the judgmental eyes digging into his back, the slow realisation that the tears in your eyes were not at him but for him. jungkook's ears ring enough to make him sway on the spot if his feet weren't planted so firmly on the dingy carpet, this metaphorical ground. he couldn't shake the feeling that his lifestyle was only an issue now because of you, how he never felt a shred of guilt about any of this shit until he met you. and if there was anything that jungkook never responded well to, it was pity. and he could feel it from every person in the room, all people that that once cherished and coddled him until you came along. he swallows, throat dry from the way he couldn't look at you knowing what he was going to say next.

"you're embarrassing yourself, noona. you're not my girlfriend and you never were, so stop acting like it."

cotton. it's very faint, under the layers of conflicting cologne and beer and smoke, but jungkook still smelled of cotton while he spat acid. nobody could speak, even though jungkook never raised his voice let alone a hand to you, it still hit like a slap in the face. it sunk into the walls, your clothes, suddenly every hair on your body felt heavy with it. dirty. the shame came first, the humiliation next. and then the sorrow, the dread, and finally the defeat. you knew the stages well by now, and they were cycling through you like clockwork. how foolish you were, to make the same mistake again. nobody dared to move, everyone but jungkook staring at you in denial and horror. they couldn't believe their eyes when you nod steadily, bowing your head to the floor.

jimin is already slotting himself between you, his jaw tight. "that's enough, kook. just leave already."

"no," you stop him, unnervingly resigned. that single word cuts through all six men with ease. "he's right." you step around jimin, closing the space between you and jungkook. for a brief moment he wonders if you'll actually hit him, but somehow watching you unclasp his watch from your wrist and drop it on the coffee table in front of him is far worse. the sound seems to ring like church bells, definitive and umistakable. "you're right, i'm not your girlfriend. you win jungkook."

they all watch you leave in dismay, listen to the door closing softly behind you. within a second jimin sprints after you, calling your name, leaving everyone else dumbfounded. jungkook's stare could bore a hole into the abandoned watch on the table, still ticking away like nothing changed. like his eyes weren't burning, lightheaded at the realisation that he would never wear a watch again let alone the one he put on you.

x

x

x

to an outsider, you looked like you were coping well considering you just got dumped in front of all your friends. but jimin knew that face. your stony eyes, lips pulled thin as if to seal inside the collapse of a monument. you took the tea he offered, and then his arms, your face finding his chest with ease. muscle memory. his torso was a tad shorter than jungkook's, his heart closer to your mouth as if the steady thumps were asking for a kiss of acknowledgement. every time you close your eyes you could see jungkooks face, hard and unforgiving and nothing like the man you trusted all this time. but it wasn't a new expression; you parents looked at you similarly the last time you saw them. it was the look of someone who had no regrets cutting all ties. and now, jungkook was behind them in a lost list of people who chose to be strangers over loving you.

jimin sighs when you cry into his chest, brushing the back of your head gently. he had been ready for this for months, but he still hated to see you this way. again. it made his bones itch, his skin crawl uncomfortably every time you weeped. the only time he considered violence was when you were crying. but he knew what to do, laying down across the sofa so you could curl up into a ball next him, head on his bicep and face smushed into the crook of his shoulder. you used to cry like this for hours and hours, his arm familiar with the prickle of pins and needles. but it was the only place you felt safe. tucked into jimin's side is where you would always belong, and that truth was more glaringly obvious than ever now.

"lets get something to eat," he offers eventually, hand craddling the crown of your head like a child. jimin's other hand on your hip is warm and heavy when he pats you soothingly. in your episodes, you responded well to touch. "what about thai food?"

"not hungry," you grumble against him.

"we could make something together?" he peers down at your lack of response. "come on, babe. you gotta eat something. you didn't even have breakfast-"

"why am i so stupid?" you whisper, a fresh bout of tears welling up.

jimin rubs your thigh. "it's not your fault."

"yes it is. jungkook gave me plenty of red flags, and i ignored all of them-"

"oh, i meant you being stupid."

you scoff. "cheers."

"what?" jimin cocks a brow when you lift your head to look up at him. he wets his lips and you follow the swipe of his tongue thoughtlessly, distracted enough by his touch and proximity that you take a second to digest his words. "it's not like any of this exactly came as a surprise. you ignored me, remember? wanted to flex your big girl pants."

you pull away from him and sit up, forcibly shutting out the daze that jimin routinely puts you under. "what's wrong with you? can't you be polite and wait for a couple hours before laying into me like a normal person? jesus, jimin."

"so let me get this straight," jimin sits up, watching your back as you sit away from him. "you're mad because i'm not telling you what you want to hear?"

"no," you say, head shaking. "i'm not mad. i'm upset because i came here to be comforted by my friend and you're just making me feel worse."

"what do you want me to say, ____? that i had high hopes from the start?" jimin pushes his hair back, brows now at a sharp incline from frustration. "i told you starting something with jungkook was trouble but you didn't listen. why should i feed your victim complex when all i've done is try to help you?"

"victim complex?" you repeat, standing up slowly. the sudden steadiness of your voice causes jimin to panic.

"not like that. don't take it like that, it's just," he's suddenly before you, his warm hands palming up your arms warmly. "i didn't wanna see you get like this and it happened anyway, is all i'm saying." he sighs when your scowl doesn't let up. "if hobi hyung hadn't have given up so easy, then maybe…maybe this would never have happened. maybe if i had been harsher with him then you would have-"

"what are you talking about?" you ask quietly, searching jimin's face. "give up so easy? what's that supposed to mean?"

he looks away, hands slipping off you. "it's nothing."

"jimin."

he struggles to look at you, tongue in cheek. his lips purse for a moment, pink like roses. he's wearing that navy jumper you like. "look, it's not a big deal. he wasn't supposed to fuck you or anything, just take you out for a while. get your mind off kookie, show you a nice time."

your blood runs cold. "what?"

jimin's expression softens. "it's not as bad as it sounds-"

"really?" your voice is sharp, sharper than he's ever heard it. you recoil as if you had been struck for the second time today. "because it sounds like you asked some guy to keep me occupied like i'm a fucking dog. all because you can't stand the idea of me being within a meter of jungkook-"

he steps in, but you step back. "you know that's not true, _."

"don't i?" you scoff, covering your face in disbelief. "jimin, you've been hellbent against me even looking at the guy since day fucking one."

"because i didn't want you to get hurt!" jimin counters, eyes downcast. "i know, okay? i know how much of a dick it makes me sound, but its not like it hurt you when you had no idea! hoseok broke it off before you even knew about it so why-"

"because it's worse," you turn away from him. "you tried to control me. choose what's best for me because you think you know better than i do. sound familiar?"

his jaw sets, and it's like you can hear the twine snap in his head, the percussion of his heartbeat above yours even though he doesn't close the space between you. jimin stares at you for a long minute before drawing in a thin breath. "fine," he steps in, and you can't look away. "you want me to say it? fine. i'll say it."

suddenly the air is lace thin around you as you stare at him, waiting. jimin looks off somewhere else, somewhere you can't reach. "don't tell me you haven't thought about it, because i know you have. if i have you must have too. and lately its all i can think about - being with you, holding you, being the one who gets to touch you. and yeah, maybe it took having to see you with jungkook for me to realise how much i want all that, i put my hands up. but you have no idea what's it like to watch the person you love most get toyed around with by a time bomb like that. i've seen jungkook go through girls like underwear and i love him, god i love him, but even the idea of you being one of those wasted girls sitting outside a party crying over his sorry ass makes my fucking ears ring."

"j-jimin…" you whisper, but you have nothing to say. your hands shake.

"you deserve more than that, ____. you deserve more than waiting around for booty calls or living up to what the next guy wants. from jungkook, hoseok, anyone. you deserve someone's devotion and yeah, maybe all this time i've been too much of a pussy to give it. maybe all this time i was tiptoeing around my feelings for you because i knew if i admitted to myself that i loved you - if i admitted i was just like every other guy - i'd actually set the bar for something other than disappointment. id actually have to step up, and i didn't know if i could do it. i still don't. but if it has to be someone…it should be me."

suddenly he's holding your hands, calming the tremble that rattles them. his words bunch up together in your ears, the meaning lost amidst your awe. "jimin….jimin what are you saying? where is all this coming from, i don't...i don't understand wh-"

"i'm saying," he cups your face. "choose me." he pulls you in. so, so close. "choose me, not jungkook. not anyone else. me."

and there's a part of you that has already caved. that's already kissing him, melting into his arms like you've wanted to for so, so long. you're falling back onto the couch with him in a fit of giggles, curling back into his chest to hide your watery eyes, asking him why the fuck he took so long. you chat together between teasing kisses, pour your hearts out, maybe cry a little. later you would make tea and order pad thai and watch the office all night and fall asleep together in the living room well past dawn and then-

you close your eyes. "i can't."

"you can," jimin says, so passionately you shudder. his brown eyes are teaming with too much determination and ardour for his own good, and you both know it. its difficult to grapple with how huge a risk he's taking, because jimin never takes risks. it made the whole situation seem dire. "you know you can, ____. it's us. there's no one like us."

you don't know how you're not crying yet. you only have jimin to hold onto, hands balled in his shirt without knowing if you're about to push him away or pull him in forever. "maybe back then. maybe if you'd have said all this before," you feel empty, the beat of your pulse suddenly strong in your fingertips. "but it doesn't matter anymore."

he shakes his head in denial, his determination palpable. "of course it does-"

"i'm in love with him," you say. to jimin. to yourself. to the world, finally. "i'm in love with jungkook." holding jimin's stare isn't as difficult as you thought it'd be. "you know if you'd have done all this a few months ago…if you'd have just...i was always yours without question, jimin. and you knew it." it's his turn to bristle under the strain of your voice. "jungkook isn't perfect. i'll be the first one to admit that. he's made me cry, he fucks up, he makes mistakes. but he's never lied to me. he never made decisions for me. he never passed judgement on what i should or shouldn't do with my life. something that i never thought i wouldn't able to say about you, too."

there's a brief moment where everything stops. neither of you can believe what you just said. jimin watches you, frozen in his place as you take your bag, eyes glittering with tears when he calls for you. suddenly he's the time bomb he feared becoming, the panic in his eyes lighting them up like fire crackers. for the first time in his life, he stumbles over his words, and then his feet when you reach for the door, all composure lost. he was unravelling like a tapestry in front of you, never to be repaired, and he could feel it. "____. ____, please," jimin chokes, his cheeks blotchy. "i wanted to protect you, i was just trying to help. don't go. please don't go. i was trying to help you."

"no. you were trying to have me." you say, closing the door behind you.

x

x

x

you have no idea what time it is when you hear the bell ring incessantly.

it had been hours since you'd returned home from jimin's, but there was no way for you to keep track when your only priority was just keeping yourself afloat. you turned your phone off, drew the curtains, and resolved to alternate between sitting in seulgi and jisoo's rooms until they came back. you didn't know what else to do. when you weren't crying you were hyperventilating, and when that stopped the absence of emotion was so powerful you could barely keep your eyes open. you were exhausted but could not sleep. starving but could not eat. it was a miracle you even made it down the stairs, using what little strength you had to yank it open without even thinking about who could be on the other side in the middle of the fucking night. but at this point, you would gladly take a serial killer over jimin or jungkook.

"taehyung," you breathe when you take in his face, relieved. you must look like absolute shit because he scans your face and winces. 

"jimin told me," he says, the apology in his voice and expression was almost painful to register. "he told me everything. ____, i'm so sorry. i should have told you about the hoseok thing, i just thought it would be worse coming from me, and then i tried to force jimin into confessing but then he didn't because he's jimin, and now-"

"you're only allowed to come inside if you stop apologising," you say weakly, voice haggered from the hours of crying.

taehyung's pouty expression almost makes you smile with how cute he looks, gingerly stepping over the threshhold. "i really am sorry though."

"for what," you say monotonously, closing the door behind him while he takes off his shoes. "my inexplicably terrible taste in men? my uncanny ability to get manipulated by literally anyone who shows me a scrap of affection? or my absolutey shredded-to-shit attachment style thats barely intact let alone functioning healthily? after hoppping between the first two for a few hours i'd personally go for the latter. but whatever."

"please shut up," taehyung sighs, bringing you into his arms before you could have a second thought about it. "you need to amp up the misandry in this context. a lot of this had nothing to do with you and everything to do jimin and jungkook."

you're too tired to open your eyes, snuggling into the softness of taehyung's chest. you’re too exhausted to argue. "where did you learn the word misandry? have you been reading?"

"yeah," you can hear his big, pleased grin. "i know you and the girls have been calling me a himbo behind my back."

"affectionately," you add, peering up at him. he wipes the wetness off your cheeks, moving upstairs to your room with your hand in his. he fetches you a glass of water before putting you into bed like he's paid to do it. taehyung was the cuddliest person you had ever met, but you had rarely seen him dote on anyone. "girls love himbos. it's a compliment."

"not all girls," he mutters when he returns from the bathroom with a glass of water. "drink this, would you? you look so dry it's making me itchy."

you do as he says with a roll of your eyes. "what do you mean?" you finish your water with a big gulp. "jisoo loves dumb guys, what are you talking about?"

taehyung looks away from you, bottom lip rolling up under his teeth so fast you barely catch it. he pulls up your desk chair next to your bed, thinking long and hard before meeting your eyes again. "i don't mean jisoo."

you don't understand at first, but after staring at his face for a long minute your stomach drops. "don't. don't you fucking dare," another beat of silence. you rip the covers off you to scamble to your knees, grab your pillow and hurl it at taehyung's head. "taehyung, please don't tell me that the one remaining, healthy relationship i have with a man has also been shot to shit because i swear to god i'm gonna-"

"it's not a big deal," he says firmly, and he really does mean it. taehyung catches your wrists when you lunge at him, effectively ending your outburst before it can begin. he keeps hold of them while he stares into your eyes, watching the way they fill up with a fresh bout of tears. "i've had a crush on you for a while, so what? it's not anyone's business but mine so don't worry about it."

you try not to scream at him. "how long?"

"...since the start." he shrugs. "it's not like i could have done anything anyway. with jimin around. he’d never have it."

"but...! but..." you splutter, the highlight reel of your friendship suddenly marred before your eyes. "but you let me talk to you about boys! you gave me advice with hobi and jimin and jungkook and...! you encouraged jimin to confess to me. and the whole thing with jisoo?"

he wets his lips guiltily. "jisoo is a nice girl. i like her, but...not like you. i've always liked you."

you shake your head in horror, your face crumpling. bile rose in your throat. "so all of that...playing with my friend like that. was just to get to me?"

"listen to me," taehyung says firmly, gripping your wrists to make you look at him again. he's so close you can feel the warmth of his breath on yours, and you never realised how large taehyung's torso was compared to yours before. he could have smothered you, but he didn't. in all senses. "the way jimin and jungkook handled their feelings is on them, just like how this is on me. it doesn't matter if i'm fucking you or not, you're my friend and i'll always want people to do right by you. and that includes me."

there was nothing else to say, so taehyung wordlessly wipes your face again and fetches you more water before retreating to sleep on the couch downstairs. all the while you sat there in your bed, confused and bewildered and thoughtful. the same bed jungkook fucked you on. the same bed jimin held you in. out of all the men in your life, taehyung was the only one who treated his feelings for you with reverence. there wasn't one interaction you could think of where he made his feelings clear, where he even hinted towards wanting something more. if he hadn't have said anything tonight, in the wake of one of the most emotionally tumultuous days of your life, you would still be in the dark about it all. and that was the scariest part. you didn't know anyone else who hadn't let their feelings for you effect how they treated you. so ultimately, it was possible.

and jimin and jungkook chose not to do that. but taehyung did.

taehyung did.

when you finally pad downstairs after hours of ruminating, jisoo's bedroom door is wide open. and that's who you should be thinking about now - your friend and sister jisoo - as the sky begins to lighten with the signs of morning. you hadn't slept for over twenty four hours, you were hungry and thirsty, delirious from the whirlwind of losing the two most important men in your life in one day. but still, you are drawn to taehyung. taehyung, who never asked anything of you. taehyung, who was as silent as he was selfless this whole time. taehyung who routinely put what he wanted aside in favour of what was best for you. taehyung, who protected you without needing credit or recognition for it. taehyung, taehyung, taehyung, taehyung, taehyung-

"taehyung," you whisper scraping your nails through his hair. his eyes fluttered open, twisting his head to face you as you hovered above him. he could barely see you in the darkness. "taehyung, wake up."

"what is it?" he croaks, sitting up with half-lidded eyes and a yawn. he doesn't know how to read the expression on your face. he swings his legs off the sofa in a sitting position, wearing nothing but his boxers and tee, visibly alarmed. "what happened? are you okay?"

you take his face in your hands and kiss him. 

taehyung stiffens against you, breath drawn thin. you pull away to gauge his expression, desperately searching his eyes in the darkness. for discomfort, disapproval, anything negative at all. the absolute ardour you find instead could knock you down if taehyung didn't reach for your neck, kissing you again. you whine at the feel of his tongue, having no idea where such sudden and intense arousal was coming from. when you pull away with shaky limbs, you climb onto his thick thighs so he can feel your wetness through his boxers. taehyung grunts at the sensation, and again when you kiss him passionately and without abandon. the sweet girl every guy he knew was agonising over, suddenly in his lap. he's barely had his tongue down your throat for ten minutes and you're already rocking into him, his erection betraying his resolve.

it's better than he dreamed. 

"taehyung," you gasp, palming him now. he groans when he pulls away to look at your mouth, glistening with his saliva when you take his hand and guide it down to your arousal. "please."

[boldlyvoid]

Amoreena | Chapter Six

Chapter Six

main summary: Heaven is a real place and it's located exactly 14.6 miles away from the FBI, Quantico Headquarters. Off behind a small park, under a fantastical willow tree surrounded by wildflowers, in every colour young minds can imagine.

Don't forget, heaven also comes with angels.

Chapter Warnings: slight smut** angst, spencer's overthinking and anxiety, passing out, plot twist, very understanding reader, happy ending, smut implied but not graphic

word count: 6.2K

from the beginning <3

Derek and Savannah planned to come over on Sunday morning to introduce Hank and Amoreena, his namesake and his honorary daughter meeting felt very important to him.

Y/N and he spent the morning cleaning up the house, making sure all the books were away and the coffee was on so when they pulled in at 11 for brunch they’d be ready.

Amoreena was beyond excited at the idea of a 16th cousin, not knowing about Henry or Michael yet either, bringing her total to 18 cousins.

Spencer learned something new about them and the farm every single day he was there. Which he expected, it had been 8 days and he was all but moved in. They joked just that morning about them moving too fast, shrugging it off and living their lives anyway.

Derek and Savannah were one of the sweetest couples Spencer knew. They had a love he admired, it also blossomed fast and stayed strong through everything Derek went through.

Derek was always going to be his rock, someone he loved deeply and cherished more than he could ever explain to anyone. More than a brother, a long-lost lover, a confidant, his best friend in the whole world. If he could live through everything he’s been through and still be happy, so could Spencer.

Amoreena is out the door and meeting them before Y/N and Spencer are even aware they pulled in. “Hey little lady, I’m your uncle Derek,” he can hear Derek’s sweet voice that he only uses with kids.

They walked out onto the porch to see Amoreena shaking both their hands before asking if Savannah needed help carrying her purse. Ever the little helper, she intended on making the best introduction to her new family members.

“Spence, this place is amazing!” Savannah gushed as she pulled him into a hug, and then Y/N, “It’s lovely to meet you.”

“You too! You’re all so pretty, holy cow,” she swoons, “what does the FBI put in the water over there?”

“Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s running off over here too,” Spencer compliments Y/N right back.

Derek gives Y/N the biggest hug he’s ever seen, “you are my new bestie, anyone who loves Reid as much as me is a keeper.”

“I like this one, Savannah you have good taste,” Y/N teases, holding Derek in her embrace.

“We got the best guys the bureau had to offer and stole them away,” she laughed, wrapping an arm around Spencer as they turned to see Hank.

“Well, someone had to put them to good use,” Y/N had an arm wrapped around Derek too, slipping into Spencer’s life effortlessly.

Hank was almost 5, it blew Spencer’s mind to think that Derek had been a father for 5 years now. He was the sweetest little guy, holding Amoreena’s hand as the two of them walked up the stairs.

They had sandwiches and muffins in the garden, everything was homemade and grown on the farm. It was a life Spencer was excited to get used to, they even made their own cheese and wine in the summer for the farmers market.

Every time he learned a new detail about this place it got more perfect.

Hank loved the goats, he crawled right in with Amoreena and sat down in the mud. Petting the babies and letting all the mamma goats nibble at his hat as they got close. He giggled and screamed, petting all of them nicely as Amoreena told him all their names.

Derek was very quick to pick out a cowboy hat and pretend he was southern, trying out his fake accent and making Savannah laugh as they explored the farm, skipping through the fields and kissing in the grass. They were just as in love as Spencer and Y/N, they all got along like couples who have been friends since college.

Like this had been their life all along, nothing about it felt new. It just felt right.

Everything about her fit into his life like she was handcrafted for it, picked and polished before set in a box and hidden away from the world. She was a collector's item and he was a collector, keeping her close and never letting her go. He knew her worth, but the feeling she produced in his heart was better than anything in the world.

Before they know it, it’s almost 3 and Hank is about to fall asleep in the grass as Amoreena reads him a story. Derek and Savanah are laying back on a blanket half-listening as they watch the clouds. Spencer and Y/N doing the same.

It’s wonderful, he makes eye contact with Derek while running his fingers through Y/N’s hair. He just smiles at Spencer, prouder he can even express.

“I think it’s about time we head out,” Derek cuts into the peacefulness of their day.

“We’ll be back, and often,” Savannah laughs, “I’m going to hide here from the hospital, you don’t have service right?”

“Not if you turn it off and leave it in the car,” Y/N laughed too, pulling Savannah into a hug and walking with her towards the house. Best friends in the making, it was going to be trouble for him and Derek, exciting, but frightful at the same time.

Savannah excuses herself to the bathroom before they leave, Spencer offers to help Derek carry his tired little toddler to the car so they can talk. He was excited to hear Derek's thoughts about the day, proud of the life he could introduce them to.

“Can I ask you a serious question?” Derek finally cut into their quiet walk to the car with a very serious tone.

“Sure,” Spencer nodded vigorously, a little nervous.

“Do you remember when we lost that bet in 2008?” Derek started, “JJ and Emily were saying it wasn’t fair, that we were hogging all the sexiness and smarts and we should just donate sperm to help the population?”

“Yeah?”

“Did you actually do it?” Derek watches Spencer’s mind wandering as he recalls everything.

He has donated sperm twice in his life, keeping it between him and Derek the first time, telling no one about it the second time. The first was when JJ got pregnant with Henry, teasing him that he should make more geniuses in the world. Emily was even considering having a baby on her own back then before everything with Doyle went down.

The second time was after Maeve died in 2013 when he realized that he might not ever get to actually be a dad.

Donating again purely in the hopes that in 18 years someone would find him in search of a connection with their birth father. It seemed like the only way he’d be able to be a father one day, and that was right around the time Amoreena would have been conceived if she’s 7 now.

Spencer looks at him with wide eyes, “you think she’s mine?”

“Without a doubt,” he whispers, stopping to put Hank in his car seat and give Spencer some time to panic.

“She’s not mine,” Spencer keeps shaking his head, so hard that Derek is worried it might fall off as he panics, “she can’t be, that would be insane. No way, no I’m not even going to pretend she is. Nope.”

Derek places his hand on Spencer’s shoulder to calm him, “do you know who her father is?”

“No,” he whispers as he closes his eyes, pushing his hair out of his eyes. “She tells people that Amoreena is her fiancé Stephens, no one really questions that she had her 2 years after he died, but Y/N doesn’t even know who her father is.”

“That’s a serious conversation you need to have with her, regardless, she deserves to know you’ve possibly got other geniuses walking around out there.”

Spencer felt his anxiety dump adrenaline into his blood, making him sweat and panic as he turned around in circles a few times. He looked physically drained, not know what the fuck to do moving forward.

“I can’t go talk to her right now while Amoreena is there,” Spencer panicked as Derek finally closed the door, Hank was all situated and ready to go.

“I can bring you home?” Derek offered, “go get your things and tell her that you have to go.”

“Okay,” he whispered, trying to calm down enough to face her.

Walking back up to her house felt like it took forever, even passing savannah as he all but ran, stepping inside the house to see Amoreena reading on the couch while Y/N was in the kitchen, whistling happily, waiting for him to come back.

Amoreena looked up at him with a smile, “are you okay?”

“Oh yeah, I’m fine,” he lied with a fake smile. “I actually have to go, Derek needs help with something at his place and I’ll be back later for dinner, okay?”

“Awe,” Y/N’s voice travelled from the kitchen to where he was, she walked into the room with an apron on and a towel in her hands. “I was hoping you’d help me make a pie.”

“I’m sorry, hun, I’ll be back soon,” he assured her, “I love you guys.”

“Love you, Dad,” Amoreena smiled, before returning to her book.

Every time she called him dad it made his heart stop, but that one made his breathing stop too, he struggled to swallow as he turned his attention to Y/N approaching him.

Y/N gave him a big hug and then he was gone, running down the driveway and hopping in Derek's car as fast as he could. Still overthinking everything, his mind memorizing every look on Amoreena’s face and trying to see if there was any proof in her being his.

There was a lot. He didn’t want to get his hopes up, he didn’t want to think about that at all. She was his regardless, no DNA test would change how he loved her. He was more afraid of Y/N’s reaction to finding out.

Savannah didn’t ask what was going on, leaving him and Derek to be as weird and cryptic as they always were together. Looking out the window quietly as Spencer had a panic attack in the back seat.

He convinced Derek to drop him off at the clinic where he donated the sperm both times. Still absolutely pissed off with himself that one of the biggest decisions of his life was the one he forgot about, wanting to know if he could find out anything about his potential offspring.

“Sir, I’m so sorry,” the nice receptionist tried her best to stay calm as Spencer rushed through his dilemma.

“Only a child can learn who their father was when they turn 18, if they choose to contact you it’s up to them. You agreed to that when you donated.”

“You can’t even tell me how many kids I have out there?” He tried to reason with her, “I’m in the FBI surely you can make an exception for me it’s not like I'm going to stalk the kids, I just want to know if one’s going to contact me one day,” he tried everything to get her to open up.

“What’s your name?”

“Spencer Reid.”

She stood and walked into the back, opening a cabinet full of records and pulling one out. She opened it, running a finger along with the document as she read it over.

“You have four offspring so far, none of the other samples used have produced a child, the women were all IVF as well so it wasn’t your swimmer's fault; if you wanted to donate again,” she read him all the facts and somehow it just made him panic more.

Y/N’s voice echoing in his mind, “after I did IVF.” She said those words. He heard them. She didn’t know the father. His name wasn't on the sample. It was anonymous. Everything caught up to him at that moment.

“Thank you,” he whispered, white as a ghost as he tried to turn away, dropping to the floor and passing out instead.

When he woke up, he was somehow back in Derek’s car on the way back to his apartment. Hank and Savannah nowhere to be seen, the radio on low as Derek paid attention to the road. It was quiet, he didn’t even know Spencer was awake again until he sighed.

He didn’t say anything to Derek, instead, taking out his phone and texting Y/N.

Spencer: Hey, something serious came up. I won't be able to come back till after bedtime and then I need to tell you something important that might make you very mad at me.

Y/N: you’re going to make me go grey being this ominous

Spencer: I’m sorry, but it’s going to be a lot to explain.

Y/N: should I get wine or something harder ready to listen?

Spencer: Honestly, I’m not even sure yet.

Y/N: cant wait… love you?

Spencer: I love you too, don’t forget that!

Y/N: as long as you don’t either ♥︎

—

He pulled up to Y/N’s house at 9:30, knowing that Amoreena would be well asleep by then. Unbothered by any crying or yelling that could arise from the news he had to share with her mother.

He was terrified to tell her but he needed to. Relationships only work with communication and he knew that, respecting her and loving her enough to do anything in his power to keep her in his life.

He walked inside to see the lights all off, heading around the back of the house to see her in the garden with a drink, surrounded by little lights twinkling as she listened to her favourite Taylor Swift album, he wasn’t shocked in the slightest to find her like that.

“Hey,” he announced himself to her so she wouldn’t be startled.

Her smile warms his heart and clears the butterflies from his stomach for a quick moment, “hey cutie, did you want me to warm up some dinner for you?”

“No thank you,” he shook his head softly, standing by the gate and not wanting to get too close. “I need to tell you something and you might get really mad at me.”

“Alright,” she sat up straighter, hands on her knees as she played with the material of her jeans.

“I donated sperm as a joke in 2008, but then again in January of 2013 when my girlfriend died because I thought it would be the only way to maybe have a kid find me one day when they turned 18. I never thought I’d get to have a family after Maeve died,” the words fell out of his mouth and onto the patio.

“Oh my god,” was all she said, eyes wide and mouth open, she was completely still.

“I went to the clinic and they won't tell me who my kids are, apparently there are four of them so I have no idea if it’s Amoreena or not and I’m just so sorry for not telling you. I honestly forgot, and I don’t normally forget. After everything that’s happened to me, I just forgot, I’m sure it looks like I found you on purpose or something but I assure you that I didn’t,” he wasn’t sure why he was just dumping all these thoughts on her when he hadn’t even thought them through, but they wouldn’t stop.

“There’s only one way to find out,” she shrugged then, smiling at his confused face. “We have more and see if they look like her.”

“You’re kidding?”

“No,” she shook her head, “I’d never joke about making another Amoreena, that would be amazing.”

“You’re not mad?” He blinked at her a few times, wondering if he heard her wrong, twice.

“Why would I be mad at the fact that you might be her real father and the reason she’s the smartest person on earth? She’s literal walking sunshine, am I supposed to be mad you could give her fully biological siblings? I wanted your babies even if she wasn’t yours,” Y/N paused, eyebrows raised as she made her point.

“If I’m supposed to be mad about you completing our family then I’m furious,” she laughed as she stood up, walking over to wrap her arms around him.

“Even if you’re not her father, you’re always going to be her dad,” she whispered as she reached him.

He looked down into her eyes, the most beautiful and caring woman in the world, cuddled into his chest in the middle of paradise. He couldn’t help but laugh, it was insane how easy it was to love her.

“I love you,” he reminded her.

She pulled him down into a kiss, holding her hand on his cheek lightly as he pressed his lips to hers. She rested her forehead on his as they parted, “I love you more.”

“Doubt it,” he teased her with a smile, pulling her in closer and lifting her up into his arms.

“Where are we going?” She giggled.

“Where would you like to go, Princess? This is your kingdom after all.”

The biggest, most suspicious grin appeared on her face then, “put me down,” she instructed and he followed. Setting her down and feeling her grab his hand instead.

She led him inside the house and up the stairs, placing her finger over her lip to let him know to be quiet. She pulled him inside her bedroom for the first time and he was absolutely mesmerized.

It was like a jungle of books in there, pictures of her and Amoreena all over the walls and the cutest mushroom bedsheets in the world. It was like he walked into her mind, it was calming and beautiful and just what he imagined.

Peaceful.

“We’re not staying in here,” she whispered towards him, pulling him into the closet.

She pulls out 2 black garment bags and places them on the bed before looking through her jewellery box. She brings back a small velvet box and places it in his hands.

“Would you want to do something insane with me?”

“Always,” he can’t help but smile.

“My grandma always wanted Stephen to propose to me with that ring, but he used his own mothers instead,” she whispered. “I don’t want to have an official thing, I already planned one wedding and never got to have it.”

“Okay?” He tried his best to follow along, analyzing her facial expressions to see just how nervous she was, as well as the underlying sadness of time missed. Just like she had mentioned that first night he stayed here.

“I had my grandma’s dress tailored to wear at my wedding, I’ve never put the final version on,” she unzips the one bag, revealing a silk white dress with an incredibly long train.

“My grandpa's suit is in the other one, I think you will fit into it,” she reaches out a hand to pull him closer to the bed and look at it with her. “I just want to put them on and tell you I love you in the field and just call you my husband. I don’t give a single shit that it’s been a week, why should I wait a year to call you that when I can start now?”

He doesn’t know what to say, he’s speechless for too long and he knows that it’s making her anxious but he can’t speak. His eyes turn glossy and his hands shake as he holds the small box in his hands, opening it to find a beautiful ruby on a gold band, surrounded by small diamonds, alongside her grandfather's gold band.

He gets down on one knee then and she pulls him right back up to his feet, shaking her head. “It can’t be like last time, I don’t want to repeat a single part of it. I can’t lose you too.”

“You never will,” he’s finally able to speak. “I’m not going anywhere, believe me, you are the most important person in my life. I would drop everything and hide here forever to keep safe, if you wanted me to, I’m too in love with you to go anywhere.”

She smiles at him with wide eyes and the glimmer of hope returning. She picks up her dress and heads to the bathroom door, “put the suit on and meet me downstairs?”

“Yes Ma’am,” he winks at her before taking the suit down the hall to his room.

He notices the wedding photo on the night table again, taking the suit out of the bag to see nothing really changed since the last time it was worn. Her grandfather was tall and skinny like him when they got married, so he fits into the 1950’s suit almost perfectly.

He straightened everything out in the mirror, making sure he tucked the ring box back into his pocket before quietly tiptoeing back down the creaky wooden steps.

Y/N wasn’t done yet, he could hear her walking around in her room softly as she paced from her dresser to the bathroom over and over, most likely trying to find something in her jewellery box and looking in the mirror more than once. She didn’t sound nervous, her feet weren’t hesitant, she sounded like a woman on a mission, that was a good thing.

He was the nervous one, scared out of his mind with the fear he wouldn’t do this right. That she had dreams, plans and expectations he needed to live up to and what if he couldn’t? He put his face in his hands and tried his best to push all the fears away but they kept swirling. Making his brain hurt, he didn’t want to fuck anything up with her. She was already so understanding and wonderful, she’d given so much to him already he can’t fuck this up—

And then she’s walking down the stairs. Like sunshine; parting the grey skies as the thunder clouds dissipate and the rain washes down the streets, he’s fine again.

“You look beautiful,” he whispers.

Her smile was priceless, “thanks, cutie, I’m so glad it fits you!”

He followed her towards the kitchen where she picked up the phone, dialled a number and waited, “hey mom.”

“Spencer and I are going on a late-night walk, outback, yeah, Amoreena is asleep, can you just keep an eye on the house? I’m going to let Rufus in to keep guard anyway,” Y/N explained over the phone, agreeing and humming to whatever her mother said in response. “love you too, thanks."

She let the dog in like she said she would, handing the overly friendly golden retriever a treat before finally pulling Spencer outside and towards the barn.

They were both in running shoes, it was incredibly adorable for the occasion and he wouldn’t have it any other way. Her hand was so soft as she tugged him along behind her, her dress and hair blowing in the wind as they walked.

She grabbed an old kerosene lantern from the barn, lighting it quickly and holding it by the handle, “you ready?”

“I am,” he smiled softly, still anxious in his core, more so now because he was overly excited to be spending the rest of his life with her.

They continued to walk down past the barn, through the cow pasture and finally entering a clearing. It was full of lilacs and ragweed, yellows and purples blowing ever so gently back and forth under the moonlight.

“This is where my grandparents would read to me, and where they renewed their vows when I was 14, and this is where I got the call that I was pregnant with Amoreena. It’s a very special place to me,” her voice was barely a whisper.

Spencer took the lantern from her and placed it in the grass, it illuminated the both of them just enough that they could see each other's faces and know exactly how much they loved each other without even having to say any words.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Spencer’s words were careful, he didn’t want her to think he didn’t either.

She nodded softly, “I loved Stephen very much, I don’t think I’ll ever stop, but I loved him enough to know he’d want me to be happy, he’d really like you and don’t tell him this but I think I love you more than I ever loved him,” she made light of a very heavy subject.

Smiling at him like he was the world, he fully believed her. “I thought Maeve as it for me too before she died, I was so, so wrong. Every day I discover a new level of love for you I didn’t think possible the day before, I never want to stop searching for how deep my love for you goes.”

“To new adventures,” she whispered.

“And happy endings,” he replied, remembering the conversation they had about the Disney characters they loved the most just yesterday morning.

He removed the box from his pocket, opening it and taking her ring out of the fabric. The tiny diamonds around the ruby sparked in the light, shining little rainbows over their faces as they smiled at each other once again, cheeks aching from all the happiness.

“What finger do you want to wear it on? Seeing as we’re doing this our way,” he compromised for her very easily.

“The middle one on my left hand, you?” She asked as she took his ring out as well.

“The ring finger,” he whispered. “I want you to be close to my heart forever.”

“Okay,” she whispered back, pushing the ring onto his finger first before placing her hand in his, waiting for his hands to stop shaking so he could put it on her.

He pushed it right back towards the knuckle, holding her hand in his after and just staring at the ring. He just married the woman of his dreams.

“Holy shit,” he whispered to himself, making her laugh.

“What?”

A tear trickled down his cheek as he tried to smile at her, his jaw wobbling as he tried to stay calm but he couldn’t, he let himself cry softly as she cupped his face with her free hand.

“I love you too, Spencer,” is all she said, pressing her lips to his, finally.

He held her there in his embrace, lips touching as they breathed each other in. The smell of the field and the flowers that were once so strong in his nose, now he only smells her perfume, he almost forgets where he is as they kiss. The world could have stopped and he wouldn’t have ever known, too caught up on loving her.

He doesn’t pull away when the kiss breaks, instead, resting their foreheads together as they breathed.

“I’m going to love you until the day I die.”

She brushes their noses together softly as if to agree, “give me at least 40 years with you, and then I’ll meet you in heaven?”

“We’re already here,” he whispers, “you and Amoreena are my angels.”

They kissed again, just as soft and perfect as before. She smiled at the end, pulling back and taking her cellphone out of the dress pocket that he didn’t even know was there.

She set it on the fence post that separated the cows from the field, making sure it was steady and setting a timer. She rushed to Spencer and pulled him back into the same kiss, letting the phone take a burst of photos for them to remember later on.

“Pick a song,” he whispered into the moment, seeing her face scrunch as she became confused. “We need a first dance, I know your grandparents had to have danced out here at least once if she loved music as much as you say she did.”

“I love you,” is all she can say as she beams a smile at him. Skipping over to her phone and doing just as he asked.

“I need a piece of Amoreena in this moment,” she explained her song choice, making him think it would be the Elton John song, but it wasn’t.

A beautiful piano balled played before he heard the all too familiar voice of Taylor Swift, the girl's favourite. “Seven, because that’s how many years it took for us to find you.”

He takes her hand again, twirling her around before pulling her body into his. The both of them holding on tight as they swayed to the song, it fit every single aspect of his love for her to a T. Like it was Taylor made for them.

“Sweet tea in the summer Cross your heart, won't tell no other And though I can't recall your face I still got love for you Your braids make a pattern Love you to the Moon and to Saturn Passed down like folk songs The love lasts so long,”

It was so unbelievable. She had mentioned the love she felt for Stephen, he mentioned his love for Maeve, both of their faces hard to bring to memory as they fell in love with each other. A new feeling, a happier love, a long-lasting one that wasn’t nearly as flimsy. Powerful and strong like the earth's gravitational pull, he was never leaving her.

She’s singing the words ever so softly beside his ear, her voice is softer than Taylor’s and his favourite thing he’s heard all night, but he’d never tell her that.

They kiss randomly throughout their dance, listening to more songs as they swayed in the evening breeze. The cows coming to the fence to see what was happening, they twirled and dipped and jumped with each other, it was perfect.

She pulls him in for another kiss and she is all giggles, high from the dopamine and serotonin rush they were both on. Like someone injected sugar right into his veins, he was unbelievably sweet on her.

“We’re you serious?” Spencer whispered against her lips before she can pull back any further and disrupt the courage he felt.

“About what? I’ve said a lot tonight,” she teased him gently.

“About having more kids?” His voice is low and his eyes can’t meet hers as he prays she was being honest.

She nods softly, “never been more certain, actually, I would have 10 more of your kids if they’re all as perfect as our Amoreena.”

Our.

He tilts his head to the side and presses his lips together in a tight smile, he lost all control of his tears a while back, feeling them slip down his cheeks as he took everything in. She had given him everything and then some.

“How are you this perfect? It’s been 8 days since I laid eyes on you and you’ve managed to make every single dream come true, while simultaneously creating new dreams I never imagined I’d be allowed to have. You’re the best thing that has ever happened in the world Y/N, I’m so incredibly in love with you I could scream right now,” he is more passionate than he plans to be, she stares at him with more lust than happiness this time.

“Prove it and make love to me, you said you’d rather fuck me at home. Well,” she kept teasing him opening her arms and twirling around as she showed off the farm. “This is your home now, husband.”

“Where should we go?” He felt adventurous, willing to take her against the fence if the cows wouldn’t eat her hair, the thought alone making him giggle to himself.

“What?” She can't help but giggle right back.

“I thought about fucking you against the fence for a hot second and then the intrusive thoughts kicked in and I thought about the cows eating your hair,” he admitted with a fierce laugh.

“I love you so much,” she shook her head and sighed, the same way she did at the museum when Amoreena made her laugh.

That was all the proof he needed. Never would he question how she felt, if she loved him half as much as she loved Amoreena then he was blessed by far. This was over the top.

He picked up the lantern then, handing it to her as well as her phone before picking her up bridal style and attempting to carry her back to the house. He made it to the barn before she begged him to put her down, wanting to skip the rest of the way with him.

Giddy as all hell, the two of them snuck back into her house. Rufus, the best guard dog in the world, was passed out on the couch and didn’t even move as they walked in. Locking the doors and windows for the night before tiptoeing up the stairs again.

Luckily, Amoreena’s room was on the opposite side of the house from Spencers. Y/N pulled him down the hall and inside the room, lightly closing the door before leaning back against it and sighing.

“Are you sure? I never asked you what you wanted,” Y/N whispered.

Spencer just shook his head and slipped out of his suit jacket. “All I want is to have a big happy family with you, where ever that takes us, I’m up for the adventure.”

Y/N was the one who teared up this time, looking away from Spencer and at her grandparent's wedding photo on the side table. She walked past Spencer, brushing her hand against his arm as she did so, picking up the photo and kissing it softly.

She turned it face down and turned back to Spencer, “help me with the zipper?”

He nodded, silently stepping forward and brushing her hair off her back, freeing her from the dress. He pressed his lips gently to her sun-kissed shoulders, surprised by the array of freckles, kissing the pattern they made on her skin as she let the dress slip to the floor.

He wrapped his arms around her, hugging her from behind as he continued to kiss her neck and shoulder. She hummed into the feeling, tilting her head to the side so he had more room to explore, her hands cover Spencers as she felt up his arms, still in his embrace.

She had the softest skin on earth, he could spend the next 14 hours kissing every square inch of her. It was all perfect and he wanted her to know it, “get on the bed,” he whispered in her ear as he pulled away.

He picked her dress up off the floor and put it on a hanger from the shirt he had on. She watched with soft eyes as he hung it on the back of the bathroom door, keeping it safe and taken care of while they became a married couple.

He slipped out of the tie and started unbuttoning his shirt, she laid back against the covers, pulling her grandma's quilt off and folding it at the end of the bed. She laid back and waited as he slipped his pants to the ground and finally joined her once again.

She met him halfway for a kiss, holding his face as he knelt between her spread legs, she leaned back and took him with her. He hovered then, barely touching her as she leaned forward to keep kissing him, eventually wrapping her arms around his back and pulling him down.

Skin to skin for the first time ever.

It’s slow and explorative, they take their time as they enjoy every single inch of each other's bodies. She’s soft and perfect, she fits in the palm of his hand like he’s always been holding her. Moulded for her and her alone.

He’s never made love before. Sure, he’s had sex but never in his life has it felt like this… no, this was perfect. It was everything he’s ever dreamed of and then some. Her kisses felt like dreams coming true, her touch so light it was like sunshine on a hot day, just dancing over him.

It was perfect.

He brushed her hair behind her ear, still inside her, as he took a moment to just look at her. Her eyes were hypnotic, he was so dawn into her it was like she controlled him. He kissed her gently on the forehead, “I love you,” he reminded her, for the millionth time that hour.

She pulled him in closer, breathing against his neck gently as they continued. Her nails on his back were amazing, he felt the sharp pain of her grip which only excited him more, fastening his pace, both his hips and where his thumb was pleasuring her between their bodies.

She looked like she was floating, relaxed as she laid against the sheets, blissed-out while she took it all in, panting airy nonsense as she got closer and closer.

She was quiet, they both were. It was silent as possible while they made love for the first time ever. She was everything in the world to him and then some, he couldn’t believe she was real as they both finished and managed to somehow get closer to each other.

Another level of love was just unlocked in his heart, he was never going to stop loving her. That would be the only impossible known to man.

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