#and like obviously this is not something you can control all the time

[vonbabbitt]

ojima loredump from a couple years back i wrote for my staff

i can finally post more of these now yay. tw for ojima things

so ojima, as you may recall, was one of the OTHER people who was abused by a parent! hes also the youngest of three boys with his two older brothers being four and eight years older than him respectively! his family was pretty well-off financially and his dad had a pretty prominent position in the business world, so from the outside looking in, all was pretty good! except that by the time ojima was born, his parents' marriage was already in a rapid downward spiral and his brothers were already regularly seeing the fallout from this in the form of physical and verbal abuse. ojima was supposed to be the sort of "patch" that was meant to fix their marriage because his mom thought that having another kid would force ojimas dad to be more responsible/caring/present etc, except obviously that did not happen because having a new baby in the house just made things way more stressful. his parents ended up staying together regardless, but their relationship was constantly in turmoil and for the first few years of his life ojima grew up in pretty much the same environment as his brothers: abusive and socially high-pressure

enter ojimas uncle, his dad's brother and another fairly relevant man in the world of business. hes super friendly and the boys love him and hes fun to be around and ojima in particular is attached to him because when hes out with uncle kenji, theres no fighting or yelling or hitting and everything is cool and hes only three so he has no concept of the fact that this dude is getting……..a little bit too comfortable around him! so things eventually get to the point where his uncle is taking ojima on outings without his brothers present, and from there, things escalate, and ojimas relationship with his uncle very quickly becomes sexually abusive. ojima is THREE of course so he has no idea how fucked up this is but understands that he does not like it and does not want to be around his uncle anymore except that things dont stop there and nobody really finds out about it for another two years despite it being ongoing.

so at age five ojima is talking to his oldest brother, who is now thirteen (his name is tetsuya!) and has a total meltdown. he knows hes not supposed to tell people about what he does with his uncle but hes completely losing it and he trusts his brother. tetsuya, who actually understands whats happening and is pissed, thinks it wise to go to their dad, which does not end well! dad is pissed that theyd make accusations like that about his brother and refuses to indulge the idea that ojima could be telling the truth in any way. what ensues is his dad doubling down on the psychological abuse that ojima is going through at home, and for lack of a better term, basically gaslighting him into thinking that hes lying and everything is fine, despite the fact that shit with his uncle is STILL ACTIVELY HAPPENING at this age!

so by around age six, ojima has his first experience with blacking out. between what his uncle is doing, what his dad is doing, the fact that he cant even trust his own mind anymore and the pressure of having to present all this as being totally fine because of his family's social status, something in him just snaps and he completely dissociates. hes suddenly in this world in his head where nobody can hurt him, nothing bad can happen, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, he is completely in control. of everything. ojima has never, ever been in control and its something he becomes practically addicted to because its the only way he can feel safe. it goes from dissociating once at a particularly bad moment to dissociating constantly to escape how shitty his life is. when ojima turns ten, his brother moves out and its absolutely devastating for him because thats one of the only two people in the world he can trust. from that point he pretty much never sees him again. tetsuya does literally everything in his power to get ojima and their middle brother (his name is toshiharu!) out of that environment, but hes eighteen and hes not their parent and their dad has a lot of sway, so it doesnt amount to anything meaningful. ojima is told that his brother left because hes a shitty person and he hates their family and eventually he learns to internalize that and blames his confession and his supposed destruction of their family for tetsuya leaving and never coming back. the many many attempts for tetsuya to contact ojima and toshiharu go interrupted by their dad and the two dont speak again.

things basically continue with ojima being abused at home and at his uncle's until he turns fourteen, at which point the next big milestone is that toshiharu moves out and reconnects with tetsuya, and now the two are full steam ahead on getting ojima out of that environment. except that its still basically useless because they have no legal say over him and their dad is really powerful so everything is still mostly the same except that ojima is completely alone. hes dissociated a good 90% of the time at this point because hes just incapable of handling the absolute shitstorm of things happening to him. hes in a living hell and maladaptive daydreaming is basically his only escape and the only thing that keeps him going. because of this, hes seen as weird and stupid by other kids at school and is treated like shit there too. theres pretty much nothing left in his life that could be considered good or redeeming except for the two things he enjoys: daydreaming and drawing.

contact with his uncle starts to break off around age fifteen when his uncle starts losing interest due to ojima being older now. ojima gets tremendously fucked up over this, and while hes relieved that its not happening, his brain is so torn at this point that he gets caught in a sort of spiral of wondering why hes no longer desirable and why people keep leaving him, even when they're bad people that ojima doesnt want in his life. in this time between age fifteen and age seventeen, things start to improve slightly because his uncle isnt touching him and his dad isnt constantly brainwashing him to get him to forget about his uncle touching him so for this brief gap of time, he can almost live comfortably. he starts doing some freelance illustration work because his dad wants him to get a job and it turns out hes pretty damn good at it, and he enjoys it a lot, so he spends a lot of his time illustrating. hes mainly motivated by the fact that he wants to give other kids like him a beautiful and vivid place to escape to, so he depicts all these fantastical and whimsical worlds in kids' books to give them that same sort of escape that he needed. his brothers are still desperately trying to get in contact with him/get him out of their old house, but its been years by this point and all he knows is that they both decided to completely abandon him one day and never look back, something that he entirely blames himself for.

despite things getting a bit better for him, ojima basically never grows out of the daydreaming and it takes over his life to some degree, which honestly? its debatable whether its good for him or not. on one hand, its extremely disruptive to his life and is not a healthy coping mechanism by any means. on the other hand, it was literally the only thing that got him through the past ten years alive and continues to be his only escape from the shitty life he has. anyway ojima is sixteen now! the physical and psychological torment from his dad starts to transition into a more familial/patriarchal pressure at this point - tetsuya and toshiharu are gone and severed, which means ojima is the son thats going to take over his business one day. suddenly his dad is treating him like a grown man when hes ever only been treated like a doll for his entire life - now hes being taught about business and social policy and world affairs and all these things he isnt interested in and doesnt understand. he really just wants to draw and dissociate and pretend nothing bad is happening to him. except even though hes not being tormented anymore, things are not good! because he has, obviously, absolutely massive amounts of trauma that he is not coping with. instead of ever dwelling on this or addressing it, which arent really options for him anyway, he goes deeper and deeper into his own headspace to escape it and pretty much locks himself away in this dissociative world to ignore everything that isnt his own art.

then ojima turns SEVENTEEN and the world flips. his brothers finally manage to get their case in front of a judge and the ojima family business SINKS LIKE A ROCK. his parents are in jail, and hes suddenly out on his ass. his brothers scoop him up pretty fast and do their best to piece him back together, but ojima is absolutely fucked in the head by this point. he lives with tetsuya and toshiharu and continues working because he loves to work, but he seriously struggles to rebuild the relationship he once had with them because in his understanding, they hate him. thats what hes been told for years. they live in this very tense situation where his brothers desperately want to help him, but they are also traumatized and they do not know what to do for him because hes just an absolute mess. ojima bounces around the idea of therapy for a while and frequently registers for therapy/drops out/registers/drops out repeat repeat repeat because he knows his broken and he knows he needs help, but going to therapy means actually thinking about his past and what happened to him and he cant do that. its terrifying and it hurts and he just wants to be in his own headspace. it leads to a lot of very emotional conversations with his brothers who still just dont know what to do but desperately want to get him help somehow.

and then the killing game starts

[heyimkana]

Pillow Talk (3/4)

Read Part 1 | Read Part 2 | AO3 Link

Sequel to Come Home to Me but can be read separately.

Pairing: Sung Jinwoo X Female Reader

Genre: Marriage AU, fluff, smut

Summary: As the hours grow late, your kisses turn deeper, his touches grow more obscene, and by the end of it, his patience snaps and it's about time for you to start a new game.

Content Warnings: face-sitting, constant flirting, endless banter

Word Count: 8K

But… A filthy thought resurfaces, tugging on the corner of his lips. A little poke can’t hurt.

“Jinwoo?” You raise a brow, confused as to why your husband suddenly turns quiet. “Are you all right?”

He smiles saccharine sweet—a mask he uses to cover his devilish grin. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just had some… thoughts in my mind.”

“Thoughts? What thoughts?”

“About our baby,” he answers so effortlessly, leaving it impossible for you to discern through his lies. “I haven’t talked to them today. Would you mind if I say hi real quick?”

The sudden change in his actions confounds you. You really thought your little act of submission earlier was enough to snap the rope that held him together.

Sensing your hesitance, Jinwoo pushes a lock of stray strands behind your ear. “Will you lie down for me, Angel? Please?” His touch, his voice, his gaze—everything is so tender, it almost washes away all of your suspicions. Almost. 

Huh… Your tongue prods your cheek. Guess he has more self-control than I thought. “Sure. They won’t be able to hear you now, though. Not until I’m in my second trimester, at least.” 

“It’s all right. I just want to be close to my baby. Both of my babies,” he teases, a playful twinkle in his eyes as he obviously refers to you as the second, much needier one.

“Cheesy,” you mutter, showcasing a revolted look despite finding hilarity in it. Who thought the sixth national-level hunter, Sung Jinwoo, could act this way behind closed doors? Still, with your eyes narrowed slightly in suspicion, you comply and lift yourself off his lap. You swear you caught a slight hint of mischief fleeting across his face just now, but…

“What?” He blinks, feigning innocence. “Something wrong?”

“No.” Why won’t he just kiss me? Like, actually kiss me? This has been going on forever, hasn’t it?! You wonder, biting back the frustrated sigh before it tumbles off your lips. 

The bed creaks slightly beneath you as you glue your spine to the sheets, watching the ceiling above you with a frown, still trying to figure out why your plan of luring him didn't work before. Have you lost your touch? Your sensuality? Perhaps you should’ve gone all out, just directly seduce him until he caves into his desire—to yours. But that would make you sound desperate, no? 

Submerged in your own thoughts, you fail to notice the fiendish grin embellishing your husband’s face. “Don’t pout, Sweetheart,” he says, recapturing your attention. “I’ll be right back with you in a second.”

“I wasn’t pouting.”

“Sure you weren’t,” he playfully scoffs, his retort carrying a spark of deja vu. 

Jinwoo starts his little game, traversing his way down your body, his smile, tinged with a hint of impishness, stays everlasting on his face. He leaves a trail of fireworks as he maps the valley between your breasts with his mouth, reaching every inch of skin that’s not covered by satin. “Your skin is so soft…” Though he aims to keep it innocent, his tongue peeks out from between thin, rosy lips, tasting your skin fleetingly as if his self-control slipped its leash for a moment. 

He feels your body stiffening at the sensation. “Seems like someone’s a little sensitive tonight,” Jinwoo chuckles, pushing up your gown until it pools just below your breasts, leaving your stomach exposed for his breath to caress. “Kind of reminds me of the way you act during our wedding night. You were so cute, then.” His fingertips feel featherlight on your skin as both desire and adoration pervade his gaze. “Of course, you’re adorable now, too. You always are. But the way you squirmed underneath me that night… The way you gasped and moaned even from the slightest touch… Mmm,” he applies another slow, erotic, open-mouth kiss below your navel, his tongue swirling across the skin. “You were so, so fucking cute, baby.”

The stimulation zings through your entire body, almost robbing a yearning moan out of you. “S-shut up.” A bashful retort is all you can manage as you cast your face to the side, avoiding his gaze. Even the devil himself has never looked as sultry as he was before. “It’s just… It’s been a while.”

He loves it, loves the way you easily get flustered from his lines. “Since what, exactly?”

“You know what.”

“Sweetheart,” he laughs softly at your obliviousness. “I’m giving you a chance to talk dirty to me. Make use of it.”

“I—” you sputter, face aflame. “Y-you know I can’t. It’s embarrassing. Besides, you’re…” You turn mute, stopping a second too late.

“I’m much better at it than you are?” He continues your sentence with a smirk, the silky swirl of his tongue in the hollow of your navel sends fire licking through your veins. You make the mistake of looking down, catching the way his tongue darts out so obscenely to taste your skin. His eyes fixate on yours, as hazy as your own, filled with the carnality he tries to repress. Your stomach flutters in sensation, wanting more, so much more. 

Noticing your stare, he makes a show of it, moaning softly against your skin as he bestows more wet, slow kisses on your lower abdomen, catching flesh between his teeth, and teasing it until a mark blooms. You chew on your lip, your fingers twisting against the sheets. God, I want your mouth on me, you almost plead out loud.

“You’re losing your words, Angel,” he reminds you with a puckish smile, snapping you out of your daze.

“I thought you were gonna speak to our baby,” you glower.

“I am going to. I just wanna play with the bigger baby for a bit before I go to the little one.”

“Get to it.”

His grin grows wider. “Why, afraid you’re gonna start begging if I continue?”

“Get. to. it.”

He chortles softly. Just how adorable can she be, he wonders as he stands on his knees before you. “Open your legs for me, Angel.” When you grow hesitant over his request, Jinwoo playfully rolls his eyes. “I won’t do anything, I promise. I just want to get comfortable. Besides” —he rests his hand on your thigh, teasing you by rubbing circular motions with his thumb—“It’s not like you haven’t spread your legs for me before.”

“God, you’re so—” You sigh in defeat. This is starting to get embarrassing. With a slight sulk on your face, you slowly part open your thighs, watching the way his smirk vanishes little by little as he takes in the view. The way you spread them so slowly as your embarrassment sinks in, the delicate lace of your lingerie, and how it sticks so perfectly to your heat like a second skin, they barely leave any room for his imagination to wander… 

You clasp your thighs together again, squeezing them shut as your eyes turn into slits. “Focus,” you chastise him, despite being flustered yourself.

“I am.” 

“I mean, on the baby!”

Your husband kisses your knee with an amused grin before he pries your legs apart and settles himself in between. “Right, the other baby,” he chuckles, making himself at home, his toned abdomen pressed flat against the bed as he strokes your stomach with a gentle hand. 

As you are only in your seventh week of pregnancy, your belly hasn’t swollen much, the bump nearly nonexistent, especially when you lie down. If it weren’t for your never-ending fatigue and your morning sickness, perhaps you wouldn't have felt pregnant at all. 

“Hey there, kiddo,” Jinwoo greets them with a tiny kiss on your skin. “It’s Daddy speaking.” He splays out his hand over your stomach, smiling tenderly at the small yet growing baby bump. “I heard you’ve been a little too rough on Mommy today. Wanna tell me what’s that all about?” 

He pauses for a second, humming lightly every now and then as if he’s responding to what the baby is saying. “I see. So, you don’t like the food, huh? But, you see, baby, your mommy is trying her best to give you all the nutrients you need. We want you to grow all healthy and strong, so can we cooperate for a bit? For Mommy’s sake? She’s been very nice, you know.” 

His fingers continue to trace shapes on your skin, listening intently at the baby's ‘comeback’. “I know, darling, but you have to understand the pain she’s going through. You’re making her super nauseous and tired all the time, but she won’t even take anything for it ‘cause she doesn’t want her pills to harm you. She loves you so, so much, kiddo, just as much as I love you. So, if you could just tone down your little tantrum over there and let Mommy have some rest, Daddy promises he’ll do anything you want the second you’re out of your little nest.” 

Jinwoo settles his lips on your skin, letting you feel the contour of his smile. Suddenly, he pulls away, making a face as his eyes flicker back to you. “Did you hear that? Our baby just said no. I’m afraid we got a little troublemaker in here, honey.”

You titter at his performance. “Oh, really? Another one?”

“Mm, just like Daddy,” he replies with a grin too sexy to be considered playful. Jinwoo drags his stare to your stomach once more, his voice laced with mirth as he speaks. “Listen, baby. I know it’s still too early for me to say this, but I want you to understand one thing. It’s Daddy’s job to drive Mommy insane, okay? Your job is to look cute and melt Mommy’s heart so she won’t stay mad at me for too long. We need to work as a team, you and me. So, from now on, no more giving Mommy a hard time, okay? Can you promise me that?” 

His little theatrics are so convincing that you can practically hear your baby sprouting their lines back to him. “Good,” Jinwoo utters in satisfaction at their imaginary response. “You’re making Daddy feel so happy right now, baby. I hope you know that your mom and I are so excited to have you. We’re going to spoil you rotten, you know that? We’re gonna take care of you and make sure you’re always safe and loved. It’s still gonna be a while until I can hold you in my arms, but I’ll be counting the days until then. Daddy can’t wait to meet you, Sweetheart.” 

With sweet affection residing in his gaze, Jinwoo lays his head down on your stomach, rising and falling slightly with every breath you take. “I think they like me,” he says after listening for a while, followed by an elated sigh.

“I think that's just the sound of my guts contracting, but okay.” You ruffle his hair, your smile a mix of glee and adoration. “I’m sure they do, honey. They will love you so much and—What are you doing?!” Your voice turns a pitch higher when he suddenly drags his head south, his mouth leaving a string of wet, sensual kisses down your pelvis. 

“Nothing,” he murmurs seductively against your skin, his lashes fluttering against his cheekbone as he toys with his favorite doll. “Just showing my baby some love.”

Which baby?! With shivers born out of every kiss, you find your legs squeezing around him, your fingers gripping the linen beneath you as your anticipation grows. He’s so close to where you want him, yet never close enough. Every time you feel like he's about to taste you where you ache for him the most, Jinwoo moves away, purposefully pushing you to your limit. What was it that he said before? That it was his job to drive you crazy?

“Your thigh’s trembling,” he comments with a hint of cockiness in his tone, pleased with the effects he has on you. “Cute,” he purrs out, diving his head low to suck on the inner side. Gliding his hand up your leg, he keeps your thigh pressed close to him as he grinds his teeth against the skin, teasing you without giving you a chance to escape. “Are you nervous, Sweetheart? Or maybe” —a deep, lewd moan vibrates on your skin as he sucks on your supple flesh, making sure to paint your thigh with his favorite color—“excited?” 

You toss your head back, a whimper slipping out of you no matter how much you try to suppress it. It’s just a little love bite and yet... 

Jinwoo chuckles. “Definitely excited.”

You want his mouth on you. God, it's insane how much you want it, but at the same time, you don't feel like you have the patience to wait anymore. You want to feel him, truly feel him, connected in every way possible, and you know he wants it, too. 

“Jin…” You place one hand in his hair, grasping at his strands. Your intention is still unclear, uncertain whether you want to stop him or urge him to thrust his tongue inside. And should you even be this desperate for him? Fuck, maybe he’s right. Maybe you are needy.

Still with his head trapped between your thighs, Jinwoo circles his fingers around your wrist, guiding your hand down to his face as your thoughts still wage war against one another. As he presses your hand against his cheek, your thumb accidentally brushes against the corner of his mouth. He parts his lips instinctively, his eyes clouded as he looks at you. With a gulp, you push your index and middle fingers inside his mouth, watching him take them all at once, his cheeks hollowing around your digits, enveloping them till his lips brush against your knuckles. Jinwoo keeps his eyes glued to yours; the intensity, the lust swirling inside is unmatched, electrifying you. 

He closes his lids, sucking on your fingers like he’s made for it, groaning softly around them, low and sensual. He looks so submissive like this, a view that’s so rare, you almost feel like you should commemorate it somehow. The moment you slide them away, with his saliva dripping to his chin, Jinwoo dives his head back to your heat, closing his lips around your clit. 

You shudder at the sensation, your legs clenching tightly around him. “Jinwoo—ngh—”

His breathing turns heavy. He only aimed to tease you before, but after catching a glimpse of how adorable and sensitive you look right now, he tosses his plans out the window. “Can I taste you?” he whispers, his gaze almost pleading. Two of his long fingers rub against your folds, eager to spread them apart and fit his tongue in between. “I know you’re not feeling very well today, so I won’t do anything you’re not ready for, but I just… I want to take care of you.” There’s sincerity in his lustful stare, the loving side of him competing against the beast inside. “Let me take care of you. Please? It’s been so long…” It's almost a whimper that crosses past his mouth when he nuzzles his face against your thigh, mouthing his words against your skin. “I want to remember how sweet you are, Angel. Want you to come in my mouth. Will you let me?” 

The filthy words ignite your desire the same way his tender tone soothes your heart. A quiet yes flows past your lips. 

He presses a grateful smile against your thigh. “That’s my good girl.” His fingers begin to work on your panties, sliding them off your legs. “Just lie still for me, Sweetheart. Just relax, and…” His breath falls hot on your core, his eyes gleaming beneath the soft, golden light. Spreading your folds apart, Jinwoo opens his mouth and darts out his tongue. “Keep your eyes on me."

He pushes in without a second to waste, his tongue moving past your ring at once, tasting the sweetness of your core. Your hand returns to his hair as a startled gasp escapes you, tugging against the roots. This time, you don’t want him to stop. He can fuck you later; that can wait. Right now, all you need is to find your release, to come on his tongue the way he craves it. 

“Mmph,” Jinwoo breathes out heavily through his nose, his eyes drooping in rapture the moment you start grinding on his face. He can sense your impatience, your need to take over control, to just use him as you please until you reach your ecstasy. And he knows exactly what to do for you to obtain it.

He breaks away from you, almost robbing a whine out of your lips from the short separation. To your surprise, your husband settles himself on the bed, rolling over to his back and taking your body with him. You land on his chest with a huff, his grip around your waist so possessively tight, his movements rushed as if he were on the brink of his sanity. 

“Get up here,” he nearly growls, his own patience running thin. “On my face, Angel.”

“J-Jin—”

“Now.”

Adrenaline pumps through your veins, causing you to ignore all sense of shame. You crawl up his body, your hips guided dominantly by his hands. You don’t have enough time to memorize how perfect he looks underneath you—trapped between your thighs with his face flushed, his hair disheveled from your frantic hand, his lips red and inviting, glistening with your juice.

He hastily brings you down onto his face, his nails sinking into your thighs as you rub your soaking core on his tongue. “God, baby,” Jinwoo moans, the salacious sounds intermingling with yours in the air. “You're so wet. So sweet for me.” It almost sounds like he's been waiting for eternity to taste you, and honestly, to him, it does feel that way. He’s drowning in just as much pleasure as the one he gives you, just from being used by you.

He pushes your gown to your stomach, and you hold it there, clutched tight between your fingers that have grown white from how hard you clench them. You have a clear view of his face now, his lascivious expression, the way his gaze turns dark and clouded, asking you to give him more.

“Jinwoo—” You land one hand on the headboard for balance, fingers tightened into a fist. “I-I want to please you, too. Let me turn over and—” 

“No,” he finds your clit, and he sucks hard, not letting you break even an inch away from him. 

You almost topple over, your hand sliding down the headboard as a jolt of pleasure shoots through you. “Fuck,” you hiss out, your thighs trembling around him. “S-slow down—ngh—” You haven’t come yet, but you feel overstimulated from how hard and fervent he suckles on your bud. At this rate, you’re going to finish before you can even lay your hands on him. “Jin, please, let me suck you off, too—ah—”

Your husband stubbornly ignores your request, a low growl erupting from the back of his throat as you continue to squirm above him. He tightens his grip on you, sliding his tongue inside, thrusting deep as his nose rubs against your clit.

He parts away when you cry out pathetically, his nails raking down your thighs. “You’re going to stay right here, Angel, right on my face,” he says, his voice rough and demanding. “You’re going to ride me, make yourself feel good with my tongue, and you’re going to let me see your face when you come. That’s what I want you to do for me, Sweetheart, you understand?”

“Jin, I—” 

“Answer me.”

Your breathing turns jagged, your jaw slackening on your face as you have no choice but to give him a shaky nod. “Yes…” 

Satisfied with your response, he urges you to sway your hips again. His mouth feels beyond amazing, so warm and wet, and just so eager to please you. Jinwoo is right. It has been too long since you last did this, and it makes your orgasm build up frighteningly fast. Despite the urge that impels you to pick up your pace, you do the opposite, timidly rocking your hips against his face, afraid that you'll come so soon if you don’t—

But he's not having it. 

“Use me,” his deep voice rumbles against your skin, his grip around your thigh bruising. “Fucking use me, baby, come on.” 

It's threatening to come out, the feral beast inside of him. And he wants to take it slow for you to savor the moment, but he just needs you so terribly. He needs to have your taste in his mouth. He needs to see you come. He knows how desperately you want it.

Fuck. Fuck. You can feel abashed about it some other time. He wants to see you let loose, and you're just aching to let yourself go. You push the hem of your gown inside your mouth, seizing it between your teeth. With one hand still propped against the headboard and another one buried in his strands, you fully rest your weight on him, pressing yourself as close as possible to his mouth. 

And you ride him. Hard and fast.

“Mmph—” Jinwoo grunts loudly as your fingers grab a handful of his hair, keeping him there, where he looks the prettiest with his face drenched in your essence. His gaze grows unfocused as he relishes the sweetness that oozes out of you, lapping on it fervidly as you continue to rub your clit back and forth, stopping only when he sucks on it. He doesn’t let the opportunity go to waste, suckling hard the way you like it until your toes curl in response.

“I’m—I’m close,” you warn him, no longer caring if your orgasm is coming in too fast. You can’t fight it back anymore. “Jin—”

Jinwoo responds with a moan, his eyes shut tight in rapture, eyebrows furrowing as he licks his way to your deepest part. His huge palms cup your behind, kneading your flesh and guiding you to rock your hips faster. Give it to me, Angel, he wants to say, but you’re not letting him do anything but stick out his tongue for you. He grants your wish as much as you’re granting his, breathing heavily through his nose, drunk from your taste.

Your orgasm hits you like waves crashing against rocks, so intense, it leaves you shaking from head to toe. Jinwoo tries to catch his own breathing, his hazy eyes taking in every detail of your face, memorizing every line and expression to recall later when he’s apart from you. You're pretty, so pretty. He wonders if you were made in heaven, designed by God himself to bless his eyes.

He lets you take as much time as you need to gather yourself, showering your thighs with idle kisses, his overwhelming lust reducing to sweet affection. His cock twitches painfully beneath his sweatpants, leaking and leaving a wet splotch on his underwear, yet he pays no heed to it, no matter how much it begs him to seek his own release.

He’s gotten what he wished for. He asked for a sliver of your taste, and you gave him an abundance of heaven bursting in his mouth. He's far from satisfied—he's insatiable, after all—but this is enough to soothe his yearning for you, at least for now.

You remove yourself from him, tossing yourself back to the bed, body drained, heart beating fast in the afterglow. Capturing his face with one hand, you meet his lips in a messy kiss, expressing your appreciation through searing passion. You’re still breathless, quivers residing in your fingertips as you taste yourself in his mouth, your kiss deep but far from consuming.

Jinwoo groans softly, cradling the back of your head as he licks his way inside your cavern, finding a different kind of sweetness that he pines for just the same. By the time he finds the strength to separate from you, lips swollen and glistening red, he rests his forehead against yours, trading small peals of laughter with you.

“My beautiful, beautiful wife,” he sighs, placing another kiss on your temple, his voice so raspy, it almost sounds like a purr. “Look at you looking so satisfied, all because of me.”

“All because of you,�� you echo with an enervated smile. “That was… so intense…”

“Was there really any moment in our sex life that wasn’t intense?”

“True,” you titter, drowning too deeply in your bliss to care about the cockiness in his tone. “Oh, you still have a little…” You sweep your thumb across his glistening lips, wiping the rest of your… You can’t even finish your thought, sinking into an endless pit of shame for making a complete mess of his face. But of course, your husband doesn't mind. He welcomes the taste, grateful, even. He’d drink and lap every drop that seeps out of you had he been given the chance.

As if to prove his point, Jinwoo seizes your wrist before you can draw your hand away, pushing the same thumb that you used to clean off your essence into his mouth. He sucks on it, licking your digit clean, his eyes turning half-lidded, seeming almost drunkenly as he holds your stare. He’s so unbelievably, naturally, effortlessly sexy, he should’ve come with a warning.

“T-thank you,” you breathe out, dazed by how lewd he looks just now. “For, umm… You know.”

Jinwoo chuckles, gently pushing stray hairs away from your eyes. “Anytime, love. You were so tense at first; I was afraid I wasn't going to be enough for you.”

“You're always going to be enough for me. More than enough.” You brush your lips against his again, lighter, just another token of your gratitude. “It was just…” You can’t help but turn a little sheepish. “We hadn’t done that in a while, so… I think I got nervous.”

“I know. I’m sorry for not doing that sooner.” He tilts his head slightly to the side, painting kisses across the lines of your palm. “I thought about pleasuring you every day, but I didn’t want to get you all worked up when you were already so tired all the time.”

That's so like you to put my needs above everything else, you think to yourself, smiling fondly at him. “I’ll always have the energy when it comes to doing this with you, honey, you know that.” 

“Not once I’m done with you,” he says, a glimmer of naughtiness returning to his eyes. “But, no, it’s not about you, baby. It’s about me. I’m too afraid that I won’t be able to hold myself back.”

You stroke his cheek, pouting slightly. “I don’t think I’ve ever asked you to hold back. And I never want you to.”

He releases a breath, heavy with desire. You’re unaware of how much your honesty affects him; how it peels the grip he constantly tightens around his restraint. “If I don’t do that, Sweetheart, you’re never leaving this bed.”

But that’s the kind of heaven you yearn for, isn’t it? To be loved every hour, held every minute, fucked deeply every second by a man whose vigor and beauty rival the Gods himself? You refrain from telling the truth, however, choosing to humor him instead. “Then the world will lose their hero.”

“That’s right,” he taps your nose, adoration in his eyes. You look so cute like this, so content and blissful with an air of playfulness in your breath. “So, you better not tempt me, Angel.”

“Hmm… Maybe I should.” You slide a hand up his chest, your tone inviting. “We’re not finished yet, are we? You haven’t come.”

He stops your teasing hand, keeping it still above his heart. It races with need beneath your palm, but he puts a cage over it. “I wasn’t planning to.” It’s a genuine confession, you can tell. “Like I said, I just wanted to taste you. Besides”—Jinwoo flaunts his smirk—“we should finish our last game before we start a new one. You haven’t answered my question, Sweetheart—any of them. I’m curious about you, too, you know. And you haven't been playing fair.”

You frown, so close to jutting out your lower lip in protest. “You still want to play that?” Desperately wanting him to give in, you crawl back on top of him, resting your palms on the bed with his head trapped in between. Your chest, adorned by your nightgown, hovers just a few inches away from his face, giving him the perfect view of your cleavage. “You sure you don’t want to play a different game with me?”

Despite wanting to appear nonchalant, you catch him swallowing his breath at the sight of your breasts, his gaze darkening before he flicks his eyes back toward yours. “Being a bit bold tonight, aren’t you, Princess?” His hand skates up your thigh, slipping beneath the hem of your gown. “And very naughty.” Your lover cups your behind with one hand, his fingers squeezing your bare skin, while the other begins its own journey to your chest. “Want me to take you right here?” He palms one of your breasts, kneading it firmly from over your gown. “Right now?”

Fuck, yes. “Mm, maybe,” you croon, wetting your lip. 

“Don’t do that,” he warns. The sight of your tongue peeking out from between plush lips nearly pulls out a growl. “I’m already hanging on a thread as it is.”

Your eyes droop as your gaze descends to his lips. You bring your head low, your mouth a breath away from his. “I’m telling you to let go,” you murmur seductively, your lips ready to collide once more.

But Jinwoo, as stubborn as a mule, places a finger on them, stopping you just in time. “And I’m telling you to wait, Sweetheart,” he gently says, sitting on the bed while keeping you close. “It will be worth every second, I promise.” 

Honest to God? You’re pissed off and you’re this close to throwing a tantrum like a child, but your annoying, utterly adamant husband merely laughs at the sight, his fingers poking into your cheeks as he grabs you cutely by the face. “Look, you’re pouting again. This is why I love it when you’re being needy. You always make this face and it’s just so”—he releases you just to plant a tantalizing kiss on your chin—“fucking”—his tongue now glides across your lip, an act so sinful, it steals your breath away—“cute.” Jinwoo kisses you, deep and rough, his lips devouring yours, moaning against your mouth as he does it. 

You’re close to celebrating your victory of persuading him when he abruptly stops, breaking away and showcasing an innocent smile as if he didn’t just awaken all the butterflies in your stomach with that single kiss. “You look the prettiest when you cry, the cutest when you pout, and the sexiest when you're angry. Now you know why I can’t stop teasing you, don’t you, Angel? You're just so damn addicting.”

Not letting his words get to your head, you swat his hand away, glaring. “You’re postponing sex just because you want to see me pout?”

“Maybe.” He can't help the little grin that plays across his face, hearing your protest. “But also, you just came a minute ago. I don't want to—what’s the word—overstimulate you.”

“As if you haven’t done that before,” you snort, nearly forgetting your goal of getting him back to bed. You switch back quickly. You still have a little devil to seduce. “Which I love, obviously. And I can come again, you know.”

“Oh, I know you can,” he smirks, nothing but enticing. “I’ll make sure you do. But first, you need to answer my questions.”

“Oh my God, fine,” you groan loudly, tossing your head back in frustration. You stand on your knees on the bed, towering a few inches above him with his thighs caged in between them. “Can we, at least, do that while making out?” It’s pathetic that you ask that, but at this point, you’ll take even the little crumbs of his passion.

“You know I would, but clearly, someone can’t afford even the tiniest bit of distraction, so I think we should leave it right here. For now.” He fixes the strap of your gown with a bemused look on his face. “As much as I would love to make love to you right now, Sweetheart, let’s be patient.” He circles his arms around your waist, drawing you close enough until his breath caresses your chest as he speaks. He looks up, placing an idle kiss right above your heart. “You know how I am, don’t you? I love taking my time with you.”

“Saying that while you’re quite literally poking me with your dick is insane, actually.”

“And that”—he boops your nose, his grin cheeky—“is the other tiny distraction you need to ignore.”

“Yeah, it's definitely tiny. Your dick, that is.”

He rolls his eyes. “Mm-hmm, sure. Now, answer me. If you had to choose one of my features to keep, what would it be? My tiny dick is not an option.”

Perhaps it’s driven by the urgent desire to get this stupid game over with, or maybe it’s because your mind is still gyrating from how warm and amazing his mouth felt on you earlier—whatever it is, your answer slips out before you can put a filter on it. “Everything.”

Jinwoo stops for a bit, his eyes blinking in surprise at how easily and genuinely your reply topples out of your mouth. For a brief moment, you wonder if you should take it back to regain some of your dignity, but after what he’s done to you—for you—you figure he deserves every bit of your honesty. “E-Everything,” you repeat with heat creeping up your cheeks. “I love everything about you, so… I’d want to keep all of them.”

His gaze softens, his smile carrying a sliver of bashfulness that he rarely portrays. Though he’s overjoyed with your reply, he refuses to accept it as an answer. Despite his flirtatious tendencies, your husband remains a humble man, no matter how strong and how wealthy he’s become ever since he established his own guild. Narcissism has never been a part of him, especially when it comes to his looks. He has confidence in his body as he trains his muscles daily, but he feels average on everything else, and that’s why he treats the sweet confession of your affection as merely a compliment, but not the truth. “That’s not a fair answer, Sweetheart. Just one.”

As hard as it is to choose, the answer comes to mind within a heartbeat. “Your eyes.”

Jinwoo arches an eyebrow. “My eyes?”

“Mm,” you nod your head, slightly sheepish now that you need to elaborate further. The hand that you rest on his shoulder glides up to his neck, your fingers grazing against his undercut as you tilt his face backward, taking a clear look at the serene, pretty sapphires that have bewitched you from day one.

“I love how… intense they are, how expressive. They speak more than your words ever could. They’re haunting in the most beautiful way. So powerful that you can make any man cower under your gaze, even without a word. And I love how they turn soft and gentle whenever you look at our daughter. I love how…” You exhale, almost in reverence. Staring deeply into them like this, truly makes you feel grateful that you’re the only woman whose reflection is engraved in his eyes, whose name is etched in his chest. “I love how you make me feel so loved, so wanted, so adored, every time we lock gazes. And I love how they look when you… stare at me like this.”

His heart flutters as he hears you describe his eyes in such a way, never realizing just how much you’d paid attention to them. Hypnotized under your captivating stare, he utters a soft, “Like what..?”

Like you’re aching to take me, every part of me, claim it as yours and devour me until there’s nothing left of me to share with anyone else, but at the same time, to love me in the gentlest way. There's an equal balance of lust and affection in his gaze, the same amount of yearning and obsession. You're not sure how to convey that into words, so when you separate your lips, you say, “Like you… want me so terribly.”

He releases a faint, contented sigh, his eyes offering a new sense of tenderness as he looks at you. “You’re wrong.” Jinwoo tightens his arms around your waist, your body pressed flush against his. “I don’t want you, Sweetheart. I need you. I always do.” He adores the shyness that embellishes your face. “I didn't realize you love my eyes that much…”

You can tell how he, too, turns a little shy over it. Cute. Playing with the baby hairs on his nape, you tease him, “Well, don’t be too pleased about it. I don’t like them that much.”

“Oh? Then how much do you love them?”

“Like a normal amount,” you toss him a grin. “What about you, Husband? Which part of my features do you like the most?”

Jinwoo, so effortlessly, lifts your body and places you back on the bed, your hair strewn on the pillow as he hovers above you. “I love everything about you,” he confesses in a breathy whisper, just as sincere as the words you've spoken before. “I adore every part of you, even those that you try to hide, those that you think don’t deserve to be loved.”

His fingers trace the blemish on your face, the soft scars on your body that you’d gotten during your adventurous childhood days, the stretch marks on your stomach that never truly disappeared after your first pregnancy, and the little dark circles under your eyes from all the sleepless nights. Jinwoo adores all your imperfections, as they are still perfections in his eyes.

“But if I had to choose one, then I’d have to say…” His gaze cascades down your face, his thumb tracing over the shape of your mouth. “This.”

“My… mouth?” You reply a little hazily, your own stare falling to his lips. “Why…?”

“Because I love the way you kiss me,” he whispers, keeping his lips a hair’s breadth away from yours as he gathers what's left of his self-control to finish the rest of his answer. You can almost feel the shape of the words he speaks. “Your lips are a perfect fit against mine. I love how soft they feel, how sweet you taste. And they just look so beautiful, and so damn… kissable.” He bites his own lip, fighting the urge to claim yours. He doesn’t want to give in to temptation just yet. He wishes to douse the curiosity that brims in your eyes, even when your tongue is too shy to speak it. 

“I love the way they move when you talk to me,” he continues in sotto voce, his thumb brushing the edge of your mouth. “I love how gorgeous they look when you smile.” Every cell of his body, similar to yours, begs him to bridge the distance. “And when you say my name… The way these pretty lips look when you say it… It drives me wild.” His hand suddenly roams up your thigh, his fingertips lightly brushing against your core, eliciting a startled gasp out of you. “And that—those cute little noises you make when I touch you. Those beautiful, sweet little sounds…” He sighs longingly, burying his face in the crook of your neck. “God, I feel like I’m losing my mind whenever I’m with you.”

Six years. Six years you’ve been together, yet you still have these effects on him. And his effects on you are even worse.

You’ve forgotten how many times he’s lit your body on fire tonight, merely by his lines. But perhaps it’s not because of the words he speaks, it’s the never-ending desire that coats them. He makes you feel like you’re a prize to be won, a heaven’s gift that he still yearns for, no matter how often he’s tasted you.

“But beyond all that… What I love the most about your mouth is…” He brings himself to your ear, his voice deep and breathy. “What you can do with it.” 

You shiver at the revelation, your heart beating in your throat. The way his lust drips thickly from each word…. He makes the line sound so filthy.

“When you kiss your way down my body… When you wrap your pretty mouth around my cock…” Jinwoo breathes out rather raggedly, getting aroused by the vision. His hips press down on you, slightly grinding against yours as he nips at your neck. “You asked me what ran through my mind earlier when I was on the raid. It was this, picturing you on your knees, your pretty eyes staring up at me, waiting—begging for me to give it to you. I imagined you taking me in your mouth, slowly, deeply, obediently like the good girl you are.” The raspiness in his voice tickles your ear, derailing you from your thoughts. “I wanna fuck your mouth, Angel. Wanna fuck it until you cry. Until you start gasping, gagging around my cock.”

This is new to you, this burning, stimulating sensation that pools in your stomach, the way your body is reacting to him. Jinwoo has never been so… brazen with his words before. He’s a romantic in his nature. Expletives come out sometimes in moments of desperation, yes, but he never really uses vulgar words to describe how he feels. Even when he talks dirty to you, his lines come in praise, sometimes even poetic in a way. You wonder if something within him has snapped from all these games you’ve played, the same way yours is about to. 

“So—so, why don't you?” You breathlessly ask. “I’d let you.”

He lowly groans, trying to rediscover his control. “Yeah?” He asks heavily, his hips still rocking slowly against yours, his hot breath falling on your neck in tatters. “You’d let me?” 

“Yes, I want it.” You nearly plead, your fingers grasping against his bare waist. But then, it dawns on you, all the horror that could happen. “Wait, actually, no, not right now. I mean, later when I don't feel so nauseous anymore.”

Jinwoo stops, looking at you incredulously for a split second before he bursts into laughter. “Yeah,” he chortles, his body vibrating with mirth as he lays his forehead on your shoulder. “Yeah, you’re right. I don’t want you to actually throw up on me.” 

To your disappointment, the sizzling tension between you disperses into nothingness, but seeing him laugh like that, so light and carefree, almost like a little boy, you can’t help but feel warmed by it. A soft smile ornaments your face as you watch him, committing every expression to memory. His laughter eventually recedes, replaced by a tranquil sigh as he looks down at you. “How many questions do I have left, Angel?”

Two, but your impatience tells you to cheat. “One.”

Although he narrows his eyes suspiciously at you, he relents. ”What do you like most about me?”

It’s the easiest question in the world with an infinite number of answers you can say. It would take you forever if you had to list his endearing traits one by one, something that you’d gladly do if you weren’t so consumed by this burning need to have him right now. You decide to say the first word that comes to your mind, the one thing that’s been stealing your attention since the time he kissed you.

“Your tongue,” you answer in a breathless whisper, your mortification sinking in only when it rings back to your ear. His tongue?! You reprimand yourself. Seriously?! It’s not that it’s wrong—his tongue is definitely something else—but to say it out loud?

You expect your husband to burst into laughter again, or worse, act cocky and cheeky about it, but his voice takes on a slightly darker tone, his body heating up above yours. “My tongue, huh?” His voice, low and deep, silences your thoughts at once. “And what exactly about my tongue do you like so much?”

Your face nearly explodes, but knowing how it already slipped out of your mouth, you might as well just tell him the truth. “I…” Your cheeks burn bright, your voice reducing to a murmur. “I love the way you use it when you kiss me.” And when you pleasure me, you want to add, but there’s only so much shame you could endure.

Jinwoo lowers himself to you, his gaze intense. “When I kiss you…” His lean fingers trap your chin, his hooded gaze falling to your lips. “You mean like this?” 

His lips move against yours in a sweet, slow, sensual dance, taking his time, making sure that you feel everything, every detail, every breath he releases that you consume, every movement he makes—the way he parts his lips, the way he parts yours, the way he deliberately drags his tongue from the bottom of your chin to the seam of your upper lip before he pushes in through the aperture just enough for you to feel him on the tip of your tongue, the way he tastes in your mouth, a bit of mint, and a lot of you. Everything fills your senses.

He breaks away to let you catch your breath, a string of saliva connecting the bridge between you. “Jin—“

“Not yet,” he dives back in, turning it up a notch. Each swirl, each glide, each roll of his tongue against yours feels like it’s in slow motion, your toes curling in the sweet torture he gives you. It feels so much more obscene, so much filthier than the ravenous kisses you shared before. He keeps the kiss slow but deep, exploring your mouth the way a yearning man would savor his lover’s last kiss. He breathes heavily through his nose, emitting a soft groan every now and then, addicted to the way you taste.

His previous kisses left you breathless, but this… This leaves you in a haze, so spellbound by his kiss that when he separates himself from you, you can barely remember your name. Your eyes, dazed and hypnotized, follow the way he runs his tongue across his bottom lip, now slick and swollen after being suckled. 

But perhaps, he shares your sentiments as well, because the second Jinwoo draws himself back, his thumb presses down on your lip, tugging it lower to see the sweet cavern inside, his eyes misted with hunger as if he already misses the way you taste.

“Jinwoo—”

“Do you know just how much self-control it takes to not just take you right here, right now?” The huskiness in his voice stuns you, so rough as if he were on the brink of losing himself. His eyes slowly journey back to your own, turning you into a nervous, excited mess beneath him. The intensity of his gaze… The depth… The vivid desire that leaves you gripping the sheets… “You don’t even know how sexy you are to me, do you, Angel? You and your pretty eyes and your little white gown, and these sweet”—he kisses you, lighter than air, yet he still moans softly at the contact—“sweet lips of yours.” His hand slithers to your neck, his fingers caging you, leaving you completely under his mercy. “Think I could just eat you up right now.”

Your heart beats in your throat. “S-sorry.”

He blinks before he releases a soft laugh, his hand leaving your neck to tangle your fingers together. ”Why are you apologizing?” Honestly, you don’t even know why. It just felt like you had to after messing with his sanity so much. Jinwoo, still smiling, applies a gentle kiss to your knuckles. “There’s no need for you to say sorry, Sweetheart. I love it when you make it hard for me to control myself.”

“You do..?” 

"Of course I do,” he presses another kiss, more playful this time. “I love it when you look at me with this look in your eyes. I love seeing you breathless.” He cups your cheek, taking in your features. “I love knowing how much you want me.” 

He can feel your chest rising and falling against his as the tension returns. Your breath comes in short, shallow breaths, his acute hearing catching just how fast your heartbeat grows. He’s close to losing it, even when he plays it cool. “Do you still have more questions you want to ask me?” Jinwoo says, despite his mind already drifting somewhere else. “If you do, then this is your last chance, Angel. I’m afraid I’m starting to get a little… impatient.”

You wish he could just sever it, that last rope that binds him together. And perhaps you can, he’s handing you the knife to do it, after all.

“No,” you breathe out. “No more questions.”

His eyes gleam, his lips curving into a wolfish grin. “Well then…” Without warning, he rolls you to your stomach until you’re pressed flat against the bed. His hips press down against yours from behind, his hand fisting a handful of your hair and he tugs it back, earning himself a low groan. Deprived of your options as you’re being held still, your eyes land on the standing mirror before you, just the way he wants you to. It reflects you perfectly, showcasing how helpless you are beneath him, the pathetic look on your face—so eager to be touched, and the way his gaze turns dark as it meets your own.

Jinwoo whispers in your ear, keeping your eyes locked with his in the mirror as he smirks. 

“Let’s play a different game now, shall we?”

***

Read the alternate/deleted scene here. It's spicier 😁🌶️

[anemoia-org]

Sys game #3 answers

🦴 I'm sort of dating one of our members, I won't say her name here because I don't know if she's comfortable having her information on our public Tumblr. She hasn't been around much anymore because she went through something awful, we've had a lot of severance from her lately. We're the only couple I know of.

I miss her.

💀 Not really, we don't have many fictives. We've had several introjects of an OC that was based of the character Nagisa Shiota from Assassination classroom and a lot of severance from those members. I'm one of them.

We just develop past our source because we're people.

🪦 A lot of us have real weird kinks and fetishes that I won't go into here. Breach of privacy. I'm weird myself.

⚰️ Yes. At least one many of us know of. His name is Sunny.

🕷️ Depends what you mean. Some of us are for example obviously autistic like Alex who presents like a savant. Most of us are apparently very distinct as “alters” according to our close friends. Can't exactly measure who's the most distinct from everyone else, there are at least 50 seperate people in here.

🕸️ We either choose our names, help each other with our names or have intuitive names from somewhere.

☠️ Many. I'm one of them. I won't go into all of my individual body modifications though bodily we have 5 piercings, one tattoo and blue and purple hair.

🔪 Not very. Not everyone wants to or remembers to. We have very bad amnesia.

🧿 LMFAO this is so mean. Merrow complained about being thrust into our last rep's life but that's totally fair.

🎃 Eh no not specifically? We don't categorize ourselves based on introjection, we're all still people not fictional characters. We don't treat anyone differently based on introjection.

They do get to keep their source names though. Most of the time.

👻 Our last rep was scrolling on Tiktok and came across a video on structural dissociation. I'm cutting a lot of information out from that story for privacy. It basically just kickstarted our research, we got a specialized therapist and then got diagnosed.

🩸No introjection isn't a big deal for most of us. The very few who care and who we know of don't hate their sources.

🦇 No not really. We're a large system and very distinct so there's nothing we all share in common other than our body and our life. I really like the song "A Sardine Grows From the Soil" though, it reminds me of my favourite game (which is part of my source). And Fences.

🐈‍⬛ Yeah. At least many used to. I don't know if they still do. I'm a German Shepherd therian but it's not a big deal for me. Many of us aren't human but that's who we actually are, not therianthropy.

🔮 There's no system (hah) we have for it. The handlers take care of everything as best they can and if they need help they ask for it. Then someone else might start take control for them.

🧟‍♀️ Those of us who know us externally say I am. I'm a dragon and I'm very confident, I generally assert myself a lot but I'm never mean!

Internally other members say they admire me. We're most intimidated by a member named Dog. She's a vigilante and very protective. And defensive.

🕯️Our cubs aren't present often though when they are some use baby talk. Or just younger kid talk. They are children after all. They do that verbally though online I can't remember the last time any of them were. So I don't know if they do so digitally.

⛓️ Don't have one right now. If I think of one I'll put it here later. We don't keep of track of what we say. Maybe me telling my girlfriend “You're an alcoholic.”

⬛️ I don't know what's considered a non traditional role. Our roles aren't generally hyperspecific, we have a lot of agency and do many things. Our roles are just contexts for some of our behavior, experiences and instincts. We have some sexual roles specific to our experiences I won't go into.

🪳Those of us who draw tend to draw ourselves though we usually don't finish those drawings because whoever switches out. A lot of the time we find images that we feel represent us as profile pictures. I'm considering using picrews though and editing them because jeez we don't have many good pictures specific to what we look like.

Basically our get to know us!

If some of the language I used was confusing, check here!

System Ask Game #3

🦴 - Is anyone in your system dating? If so, who is the strangest pair?

💀 - Is there a particular source you have a lot of fictives from?

🪦 - Who has the strangest habits?

⚰️ - Do you have any nonverbal headmates?

🕷 - Who is the worst at masking?

🕸 - How did your headmates get their names?

☠️ - Do you have any headmates with colored hair,piercings, or tattoos?

🔪 - How consistent are you with logging switches?

🧿 - Is there anyone who spends most of their time in front complaining?

🎃 - Is there anything specific you do to help introjects feel more comfortable?

👻 - How did you discover your plurality/systemhood?

🩸 - Is there anyone who absolutely hates their source?

🦇 - Are there any songs that you associate with systemhood/plurality or your system as a whole?

🐈‍⬛- Is there anyone who identifies as otherkin/therian?

🔮 - How does your system determine who handles certain tasks/responsibilities?

🧟‍♂️ - Who is the most outwardly intimating? Are they viewed the same way within the system?

🕯- Do your system's littles use "Baby Talk"?

⛓️ - Funniest quote out of context

⬛ - Is there anyone who has a unique/ non-traditional role?

🪳 - How do you visualize your headmates? (Drawing them,picrew,etc)

[thethronezone]

Which negative traits do you think would show up in the Primarch's parenting style?

Mortarion - When he and his kid are having a disagreement, he tends to ignore them, give them the silent treatment. Mortarion does not do this out of menace or to punish them, he simply thinks that by giving them some time and personal space they will eventually get over it and grow stronger from this conflict between them.

Fulgrim - So obsessed with appearances and perfection, Fulgrim has such high expectations on his kid. And he's got such a specific view on what constitutes as perfection. Micromanages his kid's life because he wants them to be their "best self".

Angron - Obviously, his temper is a problem, but the biggest issue is the distance he puts between himself and his kid. He does this simply because he does not want to hurt them. Because of this, he does not see or talk to them as much as either of them would want to.

Magnus - Because of his immense pride, he will never be able to apologize or admit to being in the wrong. Magnus is also so convinced that he's the smartest person in any room he's in so if his kid wants to do things their way he will do whatever he can do convince them to do exactly as he says instead.

Perturabo - Geez, where to start? He is strict and controlling to the max, expecting nothing but excellence and outmost obedience from his kid at all times. At the same time however, he will never be able to see them as good enough.

Alpharius - It has to be the secrecy and mystery. While some might be good, the fact that most things are posed as a question or a challenge makes the kid feel like they can never get a straight answer or simply ask for help.

Lorgar - Aside from practically pushing religion down their throat? It would have to be how he tries to justify suffering and negative experiences. Oh, they are going through a rough time? It's just god testing them. They feel overwhelmed by expectations and duties? God wouldn't give them something they could not handle. It gets annoying real quick and makes it feel like he's invalidating their feelings.

Horus - Keeps comparing them to himself all the time. He does it out of a sense of love but it's... a lot. He's the Warmaster, favored son of the Emperor. That's a lot to live up to and Horus does not realize that his constant comparisons between them causes his kid to feel totally inferior and inadequate compared to him.

Konrad - Constantly suspects his kid. Konrad is not a good person and he sees so much of himself in his child which causes him to live in constant fear that they will turn out just like him. Scrutinizes everything they do and sees signs and problems where there are none.

Sanguinius - Since he's both aware of the future and struggles with the Red Thirst, Sanguinius is plagued by fear. The fear of wasting the precious time he has with his child, the fear of disappointing them. It sometimes causes him to lose focus on the present and not actively participate in the moment, making him feel very distant.

Corvus - A bad trait would be his lack of privacy. Corvus might feel a tad guilty about snooping around in his kid's belongings or reading their personal journal but he justifies it by saying it's for their own good. This is all to keep them safe, to better understand them, to prevent unfortunate situations.

Ferrus - Similar to Lorgar in a way, Ferrus believes that hardship and suffering has a reason. In this case, the reason is to grow stronger because of it. Which isn't necessarily wrong but sometimes, a child just wants to be comforted and that is not something Ferrus can do.

Rogal - Listen, we all know that Rogal is about as emotive as a brick wall but not even getting a kid manages to improve that. While they are mostly used to it and can read him better than most, the lack of response can easily grow frustrating, especially when his kid is really emotionally invested in something and he's just not.

Vulkan - The Primarch of the Salamanders is a bit TOO involved in his kid's life, though this is something that's mainly noticed as they get older and start desiring a life separate from him. He's just... everywhere and while the support might feel nice at first, it quickly starts feeling suffocating.

Lion - Emotionally stunted. His kid could be crying their heart out and he would just tell them to suck it up and stop acting so ridiculous. Crying doesn't solve anything. Neither does moping around. Don't tarnish your legacy blah blah blah. There are a grand total of ZERO emotional talks between them because Lion believes them to be unneccsary.

Leman - Heavily biased when it comes to a lot of things, Leman instills these views on his kid. He's quite stubborn when it comes to instilling his views and values upon them which can cause conflict and intense arguments when they get older and develop their on opinions.

Jaghatai - Freedom is good but the level of freedom and independence Jaghatai gives his kid can be a bit much. He expects them to figure most things out on their own so he kinda just lets them wander around aimlessly. This causes them to feel lost at times and like they have to do everything themself or they aren't smart enough.

Roboute - There's a lot of expectations on Guilliman's kid, not just from Roboute himself but from everyone else as well. Guilliman is aware of this and while he tries to ease their anxiety, his own expectations of them sometimes makes him neglect this emotional soothing. After all, his child needs to grow into their future role as a leader of the Imperium and he can't afford to coddle them.

[csprint]

hiii !! i really luv ur acc 😮‍💨 can you for svt, what turns them on?

seungcheol

the main thing that gets cheolie going and just in need of you is when you’re confident in yourself. that’s the hottest thing you can do because if you’re confident in how you look and how you act, he will definitely enjoy what he’s doing in bed more and adds on to said confidence with compliments and always comments on how amazing you are and such.

jeonghan

obviously this man gets horny over nothing so anything you do turns him on, really. but especially likes when you come on to him first. just because it’s usually him seducing you. so he finds your attempts at initiating sexy time cute— whether you’re good at it or not. also likes when you tease him. use that mocking voice that you do and he’s folding.

joshua

he likes when your neck is in plain view for him to see. if you have shorter hair, that’s ideal, but long hair is great too because getting to watch you pull your hair up is an absolute blessing to him but it also drives him crazy. it makes him want to kiss every inch of your neck. especially focuses on that one spot that makes you moan and knows you’re unable to help it. even if your hair is down, he’ll find himself gathering all of it together just so he can see it once more.

jun

when you place your hand on his chest and slightly push him away to keep him from furthering a kiss. there is something about the firmness of the action that gets him going. the fact that you deny him and he knows he won’t comply no matter how much he begs for more kisses; he thinks about how much begging it’d take for some more interesting things.

hoshi

gets turned on whenever you say his name. no matter the context, volume, tone, even pronunciation. he’s swooning when you say his name. hollering from the next room over? lovesick. first thing in the morning when you wake up and your voice is raspy as you ask how he slept? morning sex guaranteed. even during arguments and you call him by his real name, expect to make up very quickly. kinda hard to stay mad when he’s deep in your guts <3! it eventually gets so bad when you’re texting and you use his favorite pet name, he’s making the chat horny.

wonwoo

loves if you wear glasses. one, cause you’re that couple that can’t see shit. but also when he sees you with your glasses on and think about how cute your face looks, how smart you look…there’s innocent thoughts at first, until he’s thinking about what they would look like when he’s fucking you. will they fog up? do you even keep them on? he eventually fucks you with glasses on and god does he love it. he finds it adorable when you push up your glasses every ten seconds cause he’s pounding into you too hard. he loves it when you look over them while giving him head. and yes, they do fog up.

woozi

when you think you’ve got a sense of control over him and whisper dirty things in his ear. those pack quite the punch on him. it doesn’t even have to be sexual either, you could whisper the most basic shit and he’d be giggling like a school girl cause he just loves hearing your voice in that tone. if you moan and whispering in his ear? he’s a goner and on another planet. nibble on his ear a little and his eyes will roll back. sometimes you’ll do it in purpose while he’s trying to mix and edit music and that man would nut on the spot. you’re basically speaking to his dick babe not him. he don’t mind it though.

dokyeom

eye contact. there are a plethora of others- but he gets easily lost when he’s looking into your eyes. you are breathtaking and he’s in a constant state of awe when he sees you. so it’s hard for him not to get turned on when you look at him. makes him all giddy and he starts twirling his hair. in that case, expect eye contact during sex! seokmin loves missionary just looking at you, forehead pressed against yours.

mingyu

simple domestic acts turn him on. need him to zip up your dress? need him to open a jar? you need him to reach something on the top shelf for you? something about how you casually need him just gets him going. sometimes you’d ask him for help with tasks you’re fully capable of handling on your own like cooking together just to see how riled up you could get him. (you never did get to eat that meal lmfao).

minghao

he gets turned on when you smell good. whether it’s your natural scent or your perfume, conditioner, lotion, whatever you use. he just wants to devour you, hold you, do whatever to you. he’ll hold you close and just smell your hair, your skin, kissing you over and over while his hands roam your body. and if you wear a scent that evokes memories of you two, like a first date or something like that…he goes feral.

seungkwan

touch his hair while you’re making out then bitch see what happens. swear you’d hear little purrs from him if your scratch his scalp just right. it will go from sweet to the horniest make-out session in a matter of seconds. those purrs will turn into strangled growls. if you even try to remove your hands from his hair he immediately stops you and shoves your hands to the back of his head. probably because he likes having a partner that’s a bit possessive.

vernon

though i think vernon is good at ignoring what turns him on, i think he’s the easiest to get hard. you could probably touch him and watch him lose his shit. if you make excuses to physically touch him, he sees that as a turn on and his mind wanders to places it probably shouldn’t be in, especially in public. just simple acts like grazing his arm or placing your hand dangerously on his thigh in public. 10/10 hansol will do something about it.

dino

chan has a complex relationship with your habit of biting your lip. he never wants to kiss you more than when you do that. more candidly, he wants to be the one biting on your lips. there was a time where he couldn’t help himself as he caught you biting your lip absentmindedly and he stole your attention by brushing a hand over your jaw, his thumb gently pulling down your lip, releasing it from your hold. he likes the sight of your lips parting just as much, readying as he leans in to take them in his.

[clickityweasel]

cheapskate bleach tutorial

Sticking it under a readmore but this is how i make my shirts etc for like a fiver's worth of materials. I am far from being an expert btw im just playing with chemicals. also probably do this in a ventilated area or something

You will need:

Bleach (I use thick toilet bleach it's like 80p)

The thing you want to bleach onto (In this case, a tote bag for a friend. usually i thrift old black shirts.) You should do a patch test before any real bleaching -- dab a tiny bit on the inside of a hem somewhere before you commit. I don't show that below because i forgot to do it but you should. You should ALSO iron the thing before you bleach it. So it's flat. Do as I say not as I do etc.

Something to put inside / between your garment and the table (Asda brand weetabix box babyyy)

Paintbrush (Mine is from a multipack from Poundland. I also accidentally left it in bleach last time and it kind of dissolved so I had to cut off the most egregious of the stray bristles.)

Chalk (For snacking) (I'm joking please don't eat the chalk) (I only have big pavement chalk, again, from Poundland, but you can get a good point with a craft knife)

Step one: move the cat

Step two: insert cereal box into / behind the thing you are bleaching.

Step three: chalk on your design. this is the logo of a wine brand i have never tried but i like the snail. It can be super rough or very precise, whichever helps you know where to put your lines.

As you can tell it's easy to move stuff and redo it by just smudging the chalk away, or, worst case scenario, giving it a wash. Though that sucks if you're impatient like me bc you do NOT want to bleach this while it's wet. Once you're happy with your design, smack it around a bunch to take off most of the chalk, so you wind up with a vague outline. I didn't get a pic of this stage but here's what the iasip one looked like:

Step four: Acquire your bleach and put it in the special bleach jar your hosuemates labelled so you would stop drinking normal water out of it. Accept that Nyx hates you for not letting her drink it.

Step five: Go for it man. The bleach is kinda goopy so don't expect it to come out like paint, but it does mean that you can control the line crispness and width quite easily depending on how hard you press the brush down. I find it really helps for stuff like serif fonts.

You can dilute your bleach with water, which can help it get into all the little crevices esp if your fabric is a little bumpy, but do another small patch test before committing to anything on the main piece, because some fabrics absolutely suck up water and your lovely crispy lines will blow out like an old tattoo. don't do it. Unless you want that look, in which case get silly with it

The other weird thing abt it is obviously that you can't see what you painted right away, it takes a couple seconds to show up, so it's a pretty slow process. The fabric will first go darker where you painted, then lighten from orange to a pale yellow over about 30 seconds. DON'T go "this bleach aint shit" and paint over it to make it lighten faster -- overbleaching it can weaken the fabric and make it tear.

Tragic.

Here are some progress shots of the snail! When you're finished, you should wait for it to develop properly, but it depends how light you want it to be. I let the lines sit for a while before doing the details, and then washed it a bit prematurely so they'll stay a little darker. For nice pale yellow you want to wait around an hour.

Step six: drown her

Nice cold water, wash out all the remaining bleach and chalk. I chucked it in the wash for ten minutes because it's a weird shape and size to wash in the sink and I'm a lazy bastard. but handwashing works just as well.

Step seven: revel in your new bootleg merch. You made that. You did that. thrive. go forth and make weird shit.

[thefirstlioveyou]

this old conversation that i'm very much late to is GIVING ME SO MANY THOUGHTS

"vecna wouldn't be alone anymore, he'd make himself untouchable by wearing mike like a shield"

that puts the whole "we need to drive a stake through vecna's heart" in a new light. literally robin (?) adds on: if he has one

steve takes it literally but max explains it's just a metaphor, meaning they could've said anything else but yknow. the writers like to be like that

the party has a heart.

but vecna took it, and he's so close to taking over it completely.

he says it like possession/mind control and becoming him are two different stages.

then literally mike in vecna's spot/as vecna in his attic being impaled by a stake. can they make it anymore obvious?

"there was a time i wanted you by my side" — this whole interaction between jason (an antagonist of the season side by side with vecna) and nancy basically reading as "el was great, but i'll do you one better — have you ever heard of michael wheeler?"

"without [you], we all fall apart"

"you have already lost" — because HE HAS THE HEART!!!! HE HAS MIKE!! HE WON A LONG TIME AGO!!

everyone needs michael 'what if she doesn't need me anymore' wheeler, and that includes the antagonists.

"maybe it's something just slightly different with mike, more like the original sales pitch el got but with no option to say no"

reminds me of the you spin me round song in his playlist, which also just so happens to play at rink o mania.

"if i, i get to know your name

i could trace your private number, baby"

"i set my sights on you

(and no one else will do)

and i, i've got to have my way now, baby"

obviously, it's basically saying "i don't care if you say no, i will find you and you will be mine."

i genuinely don't get why that is on his playlist if it's not about vecna spying on mike and making his move to grab him with the vine. even if you interpret it as a love song, mike is not "romantic" like that, especially in s2. he's depressed and grieving. he's not pining.

the love songs he does have on there are all sad and ones about heartbreak, making this one stand out. and they at least have zero SA implications.

also, likely a coincidence but "you spin me right round like a record" — his name is mike wheeler lol

possessiongate: explained

i've been vague posting about this for a while, but after mapping everything out i think it's time for a full analysis of stranger things 4 and what's going on with mike wheeler in it

i think vecna is in mike's head. i think mike is being possessed by vecna at certain points in the season, which is why he's suddenly so weird and inconsistent about a lot of things

@dinitride-art’s post on the visuals of mike’s monologue sent me down this rabbit hole, and since going through everything for this explanation with that in mind, i'm now extremely convinced that this is intentional

i’m going to follow mike through the entire season to explain what he's thinking, what's going on in his head in general, and why it's not what the show wants us to think

very lengthy explanation under the cut!

we start in hawkins, with el's letter. it's the first thing we see. the camera only secondarily pans up to mike. then nancy suddenly barges in, seems to snap him out of something, and we immediately get the question "what the hell are you doing?", which mike never actually provides an answer to

in the second shot we get of mike, the sign above his bed is only partially visible. it reads “one w”

one -> vecna

w -> wheeler

there's an almost immediate connection, and it has something to do with el because her letter is still in frame until mike throws it away. vecna intends to use mike against el

when we get a wider view of the room, it's a complete mess. last time we saw mike's room it was immaculate. we can see daylight coming through the window in the mirror ("one way" mirror -> one is watching him without his knowledge) but his lamp is still on, implying he's been up all night

there are a lot of time references surrounding mike in this opening sequence. time -> clocks -> vecna

mike's issue with sleeping (which is later revealed as a sign that vecna is in your head) gets a bit closer to noticeable when he starts to say something that's probably along the lines of him going to bed early not mattering because he won't be able to sleep anyway, but he doesn't get the chance to finish what he wants to say. this happens a lot this season

karen: you need to go to bed early tonight. mike: why? ted: it's a 6:30 flight, michael. mike: yeah, i know, but— karen: no buts. 9 or no california. ted: and no sweetie pie.

they're already hiding mike's thoughts from us. even when we’re seeing things from his point of view, for one reason or another, we’re not allowed to know what he’s thinking despite him actively trying to tell us

ted’s comment brings up el again, further connecting her to the time references and mike’s concerning behaviour

mike is immediately not okay for some reason, from his very first scene, but it’s not in our face like max. it’s hidden. nancy doesn’t comment on the state of his room even though this isn’t normal for him. his parents kind of seem to assume that him trying to brush off his need for sleep is just him being a stubborn teenager. his grades having slipped is told to us through a joke while the same thing with max is pointed out as not normal and a sign that something’s wrong. the characters haven’t noticed, and a good majority of the audience won’t notice either unless they go looking for it. it’s all there, but it's hidden in plain sight

for this first day, mike is 100% mike. this is establishing who he is now, without any active supernatural interference. mike is over the forced conforming of last summer, mike doesn’t care about being popular, mike doesn’t care about girls laughing at him, mike is embracing his love of dungeons and dragons again, mike is shamelessly sending heart eyes the way of the cool older guy who likes dnd and rock music and shows him it’s okay to be different. this is setting up the contrast for when he starts acting like a completely different person later

because of an outside influence in the shape of eddie, mike does a few uncharacteristic things. he ditches lucas and lets someone else lead, instead of leading by example like he usually does and just telling dustin that they’re going to the basketball game anyway. he did fight for lucas in the first place, being the only one who could just say that they needed to postpone, but he gets manipulated in a direction he doesn’t want to go. this really sets the stage for what’s going on with him this season

mike is having headaches. this is another sign of vecna being in his head. i think of it like a physical defence mechanism, a sign from your body that something’s wrong, similar to the nosebleeds since they both stem from the brain. which there’s also a very small hint of when mike does this very subtle sniffing thing while sitting outside with dustin like there’s something tickling his nose

there’s the beginning of mike not really knowing what’s going on

mike: screw what? [...] what? what? dustin, where are you going? [...] come on, just talk to me! tell me things! [...] what are you talking about?

this is new territory. mike usually knows everything for absolutely no reason. he's being removed from his leadership position as the dungeon master and his ability to understand the situation is being messed with. that functionally changes his role, and effectively disables him as a character so that the season can work and vecna can win

they neutralised jonathan so that he couldn't support will and el by making him a stoner. they (vecna) neutralised mike so that he couldn't support will and el by making his mind not his own anymore

during the campaign, an argument starts up. mike doesn't take part until dustin puts his ego on the backseat to ask what mike thinks, reminding us just how smart mike really is and the effect he has on people. especially since his advice works. mike, always being more inclined to fight than run, supports dustin's plan

mike: it's risky as hell. but you're the ones on the battlefield. so it's your call.

this sounds like mike giving advice that he wants to hear himself. specifics of the campaign aside, getting told that he's smart and capable and should trust his own judgement is a major turning point in his character later on

right around the time mike would be meeting his curfew (offscreen, because we're not allowed to see that either) and committing to visiting the byers, vecna moves in for the kill and chrissy dies

mike was supposed to visit the byers months earlier but he didn't for some reason, and them coming back to hawkins for christmas didn't work out either. it's easy to find a reason why, probably money, but mike had already gotten permission from karen at the end of season 3 and money isn't a problem for them. he could have just been doing his avoidance thing, or it could be a play on the pattern of him being late to things, but i'm curious if he subconsciously knew that something bad would happen if he left and held it off as long as he could. considering mike is already acting like someone else when he gets off the plane and his clothes, which he must have put on in hawkins, are used to indicate that, it's possible vecna took control in this offscreen blind spot and made him go. the fact that it took this long for that to happen really is a testament to mike's mental strength

now we’re in california! and mike immediately starts acting weird. he’s wearing sunglasses indoors, which is unnecessary and really stands out. i also get a vibe of implied dishonesty

mike: so i kinda did, like a 70/30 split, kinda thing.

70% vecna. 30% mike. this is absolutely an intentional slip from vecna, since we know he likes just telling people his plans and feeling smug about how clever he is when he still fools them

mike is very weird towards will, which is so unlike him that absolutely everyone picks up on it. mike got over his “ignoring will” issues near the end of season 3. he looked devastated and completely dead inside the day they left hawkins. there is no way that mike, fully in control of himself, would treat will this way after seeing him again for the first time in months

argyle: that's a rad shirt, man. ocean pacific? [...] oh no, no, no. no, it's a shitty knockoff. yeah. but don't worry, i'll get you the good threads out here.

mike shows up acting fake. the dialogue points out that his shirt is fake. and a bad fake, at that, but one that's convincing enough at first glance. you can connect the dots

then argyle brings up nancy and things get awkward, but like most of the romance this season (especially around mike), i think it's meant to distract us

argyle: yeah, this is kinda awkward, man. mike: yeah, so awkward. argyle: i mean, i really thought it was ocean pacific.

it comes right back to the shirt. right back to mike being a fake. one that tricks you unless you look hard enough

things aren’t awkward because of nancy. they’re awkward because this random person who vecna didn't even seem to account for, based on the initial weird look mike gives him that really reminds me of possessed will looking at bob, called out his ploy in two seconds flat without even realising it

vecna has mike play along with the perfect, happy, normal couple ideal that el is aiming for, while simultaneously ignoring will. inevitably it crashes and burns, which vecna was probably counting on, because he knows lies like this never last

mike and will fight. mike's side involves a hurt that's based in not knowing what's going on. he looks confused when will describes the day they both just lived through (this will not be the last time this happens) and tries to just... leave the conversation. because he doesn't know what to say. because he doesn't know what will's talking about. this whole day was mostly from will’s point of view and doesn’t even touch mike’s, so we don’t even know what, exactly, mike is confused about or what he thought was happening

but will doesn’t let him walk away

will: you're mad that i didn't talk to you? seems like you made it super clear that you're not interested in anything i have to say. mike: that's just not true. will: you called maybe a couple times. it's been a year, mike. meanwhile el has like a book of letters from you.

we know mike cares what will has to say. he cares a lot. all he does this season is listen to what will has to say

it also hasn’t been a year. it’s been six months, tops. but mike and will stick to this even when most other characters talk about it normally. the only real time period in the show that matches up with what they’re saying was between seasons 1 and 2. before will got possessed. before will and mike spent an entire season joined at the hip while mike provided emotional support against the possession. which is exactly what happens in season 4, just in reverse

one line near the end of the fight hints towards mike already knowing something's wrong, despite being pretty majorly influenced by vecna for the majority of the day

mike: why... why am i the bad guy?

if this is mike — which, considering it sounds like he has to fight to say it, i think it is — it's possible that he saw/found the double meaning in argyle's comment earlier. he glanced down at his shirt when he heard it and didn’t really know how to respond to it

we saw how mike dressed just one episode ago, one day ago, and it wasn't like this. the outfit is used as an indication that something's wrong with mike. the logic of the clothes being unlike him probably opened up the floodgates for his intuition, which we know doesn't have to make logical sense for him to trust it

i’m dead certain that el heard this fight. she heard angela's group perfectly when they were a similar distance away from her, and she has a habit of hearing mike whether he wants her to or not. she seems to have very good hearing in general, possibly because of the way she was born. el knowing this will pop up again later

vecna manipulates mike's reaction to el schmacking angela, which mike notably seems confused about later and can't coherently explain. this part was very, very obvious. even casual viewers picked up on this reaction not matching up with mike’s prior reactions to el dealing with bullies

because of this preoccupation with mike, vecna has to pretty much speedrun fred's visions as this big chunk that takes long enough for the sun to set because he didn't have time to spread them out over the day like he did with chrissy. there was one individual vision, but it was relatively brief and wouldn't have left mike to his own devices for too long

this was most likely happening during the period where everyone was standing around rinkomania, on the drive home, and spilling into the dinner scene, because mike's stormy, silent judgement and bitchy glares are the most in character thing he's done in california so far

the byers and guests have dinner. mike seems normal at first, although there is another hint of a nosebleed. he quickly realises that murray's hiding something and gets visibly suspicious about it, he's still unimpressed by jonathan and argyle's shenanigans, and he instinctively questions joyce's last minute business trip but keeps his thoughts to himself, probably because he doesn't fully understand the situation and also likes and respects the byers too much to start a scene at the dinner table when he's a guest in their home. we saw this behaviour during eddie's campaign, the choice to not involve himself unless called upon while a whole lot's going on around him. this is all mike

and then mike starts a scene at the dinner table when he's a guest in their home

vecna must have jumped back shortly after killing fred. something switches, and suddenly mike's not acting like mike anymore

he makes a totally uncalled for, passive aggressive comment that upsets el further in response to jonathan and argyle trying to make her feel better. that happened on the drive home too, and while mike rolled his eyes at them, that's because they were ridiculously high and acting like it. he didn't have a problem with them being nice to el ten minutes ago. it comes completely out of nowhere. there was no indication he was even that upset about the angela incident prior to this. if anything he was thinking about his fight with will

el visibly finds mike's comment confusing for a second before she leaves to beat herself up in her bedroom, making it the second time in one day she's thought mike was acting wrong. and she's right to think that. mike only ever makes comments like this to el or will in the heat of the moment because they get special treatment. a chill family dinner where mike was previously minding his own business is not equivalent to el throwing lucas through the air and knocking him unconscious

mike doesn't eat at dinner. he's shown playing with his food and will is shown noticing it. argyle must have too because of something that happens later. mike has always done this when he's upset, dating all the way back to the first episode, but in this context it seems to be representative of him resisting something. it reminds me of his implied resistance to sleep too

joyce is confused by what’s going on, probably referring to jonathan and mike’s behaviour specifically. murray, the expert Seer of Things, watches el leave with mild surprise and then immediately looks straight at mike

murray: okay, i, uh, i sense tension. is it the risotto? everyone hates the risotto?

this is a joke, but mike is pointedly not eating the risotto in the same scene as he suddenly starts acting like a different person. it was a targeted comment. the tension is within mike. it's vecna fighting for control of mike's mind

jonathan and argyle, however, have only positive things to say about the risotto. this topic of food (in relation to mike) will pop back up later

now we’re onto the part of how and when vecna kills people that probably stumped robin when she tried to find a pattern to it. why they got an extra day to figure out max was in danger. it’s because vecna had to make sure mike wouldn’t fix things with el first. he’s still keeping an eye on the home team, because he starts opening the first gate the second they leave the trailer park, but el is his priority

mike mopes at breakfast. he still isn't eating. he's still resisting. will is still noticing, which is promising in terms of mike eventually getting help on this. but for now he loses again, just like last night, and he ends up chasing after el. he brings her food too, which as it currently stands is not a good thing. she doesn’t eat either, and i doubt she would have even if he’d brought cutlery

mike seems really confused during their conversation. he trails off a lot and talks himself in circles. it really stands out because it's so different from his usual speech patterns

el: you think i'm a monster too. mike: what? el: yesterday. the way you looked at me. you... you were scared of me. mike: no. no. no, that's not... that's... that's not true. i was surprised. maybe i was a little upset in the moment, but i mean... i'm sorry. i just... i didn't know what to do.

no mention of his comment at dinner. it's almost like he doesn't even remember saying it. he retroactively confirms that he didn't care that much about what happened once the shock wore off. and i cannot stress enough that he is so, so confused. this isn't about no one telling him anything anymore. he was there. he should know what he's talking about. but he doesn't

it sounds like he's seriously fighting to get the words out again, but cranked up to a hundred. this is probably why max got so much extra time. because mike is stubborn as hell, and every single season demonstrates how his true strength lies in his mind, and it probably took a lot of vecna’s focus to force him into upsetting el when we know how much he cares about her and he seems to be actively fighting it. it takes mike five tries to even start to say "that's not true," the same thing he said to will yesterday. but it’s such a minor detail, and they’re overshadowing it all with the love triangle drama, so it’s easy to miss

mike is usually so confident and so level headed and so silver tongued that he can get full grown adults like hopper to respect and listen to him in a crisis, so hearing him trip over his words like this is ringing major alarm bells. el looks confused by the way he's acting again because mike is truly gifted at quickly understanding and explaining situations. he's slightly worse off when they concern his feelings, but he's not this bad. the only way he'd be acting like this is if his ability to understand what's going on has been internally tampered with

the uncharacteristic hesitancy and confusion lingers for most of the scene, but it lets up a lot after "i say it" and entirely disappears by the end, where this really patronising tone comes in to fill its place that doesn't sound like mike at all. he calls el ridiculous, he tries to make her think she's making things up, he brushes off her feelings, he deflects. mike does not do this in conflicts with el. mike avoids. and mike has far more respect for el than this

mike: what, like... what is this? you know what i think of you.

this directly leads into mike externally basing el's self worth on being incredible and special and a superhero, which directly contradicts the information we already have about mike's thoughts on el's powers that they're actively drawing our attention to

in season 3, mike was the one person saying that el shouldn't have to use her powers. that she shouldn't be obligated to sacrifice everything for her friends. that she's more than a superhero or a machine. that she's a person who's worthy of protecting whether she's saving them or not. and he followed through on that when she initially lost her powers: he flipped the car when she couldn't, he made a plan to get her and max to safety and tried to protect her from vecna when they were trapped in starcourt, and months later he got a teddy bear down from the high shelf for her when she couldn't get it herself. there was no hint of mike's view of el potentially changing without her powers. none. and this show is very good at foreshadowing, so that absence is very conspicuous

the tail end of this speech doesn't sound anything like mike. there's a reason he sounds like he's fighting it

but you know who it does sound like? vecna. the guy who thinks every other human being is an unimportant nobody. the guy who says that brenner didn't matter because he was ordinary. the guy who thinks that el is on his level, whether that's as an apprentice or an enemy, because of how special and incredible and superpowered she is. the guy who wants to kill el's friends while she watches, or kill her while they watch, as punishment for turning against him. and he can't do any of that if she doesn't remember him, and she can't remember him until she's pushed into thinking that she's worthless without her powers, which is exactly what mike is putting into her head in this scene despite that not being how he sees her at all

the police interrupt before mike can get his head sorted out, and we get this

mike: everything's gonna be fine. i am going to fix this. okay? just... just stay calm and everything's gonna be fine. okay? just... all you have to do is trust me. i promise. i'm gonna get you out. i promise!

like to his advice to dustin, i think this reveals what's going on in mike's head. el doesn't want reassurance that everything will be okay. el doesn't need to be told not to panic. she's not the one panicking right now. these are all things that mike needs to hear

which implicitly makes "i'm gonna get you out" a lot more interesting. it applies to el, because she's getting arrested and later trapped by brenner, but how does it apply to mike? what does he need out of? what does he need rescuing from?

vecna focuses on max much later, after el doesn't return home and confirms that she's on her way to getting her powers and memories back. they try to hide it with the episode break, but mike immediately starts acting more like himself. he gets into an individual standoff with an authority figure representing the american government in like five minutes. that's the most mike wheeler thing he could possibly do

mike: so, what? we're just supposed to trust that you're the good guys? whoever you are?

this is mike in control of his own mind, mike who's finally acting like himself again, and he's telling us not to blindly trust anyone just because they're supposedly a good guy. he's telling us not to trust him, just like el didn't seem to earlier. because he doesn't trust himself right now. because he's been acting like someone else. if there's one thing mike is stellar at, it's tactical calls like this. this is exactly what happened when will was possessed

mike retreats upstairs to read el's letter, isolating himself. that particular habit becomes something very interesting in a little bit

dear mike, i have gone to become a superhero again. from, el

he realises that his words pushed el towards this decision, that he's the reason she chose to go back to some version of the lab, and he starts to wonder why the hell he said any of it. this kind of implies that what he said downstairs was entirely based on intuitive, subconscious knowledge, since he was pretty focused on the situation in front of him, and seeing something solid and tangible that proves there’s merit to the idea of something being wrong with him just kicked his brain into high gear

mike’s still very present in the hawkins part of the story during dear billy. they’re in mike’s space, and the way they’re hanging out without him there and not even trying to think of a plan makes his absence really obvious. max writes him a letter. max says his name twice, either independently of anyone else’s or before them. he appears in max's memory montage

we see the basement for the first time this season and it's as bad as his room. the lighting is much darker and less homey than before, there's no natural light, and the mess makes it feel claustrophobic when it’s actually a very open space. it's hard not to think that this is meant to be a physical representation of what's going on in mike's mind

as for what mike's actually doing, he has a clear head for the first time since he landed in california because vecna doesn't need to use him to mess with el anymore, and he's using it to question his own actions and words and why they don't reflect what he actually thinks

will: i… i just don't think they've actually thought this through. if this goes on for a month, or months, and people can't get a hold of us, they're gonna totally freak out. meanwhile my mom's probably having a panic attack already.

this is said by a rambling, pacing will, while mike sits on the edge of the bed, not moving, staring a hole through el's letter. it's the next day, and he's still hung up on it. he still can't figure out why he called el a superhero. this is a different type of anxiety than we've seen from mike before, because when mike is anxious he's usually the one pacing non-stop until everyone is annoyed with him. we saw that behaviour from him just last night, so he hasn't just dropped it

mike paces when he wants to fix an external problem. the fact that he's not moving at all here suggests that this is an internal one

the joyce mention can only be indicative of mike's mental space, because joyce isn't that anxious at all this season. certainly not enough to be reminiscent of a panic attack. this isn't foreshadowing for joyce, it's utilising the similarities between her and mike to tell us what he's on the edge of until will pulls him out of it

the idea of a problem lasting for months is interesting too, because threats from the upside down usually last for about a week. i think it's meant to indicate that what mike is quietly freaking out about has been going on for months, and that it’s connected to what's happening in hawkins

mike: before the cops came, me and el, we had a bad fight. we never fight. [...] but, i don’t know, this one just felt more adult.

when they got interrupted, they weren't talking about mike's inability to say he loves el. they were talking about el being a superhero

mike's confused as he says they never fight, which backs up el's confusion over his comment at dinner and his own confusion during the fight in question as mike not being in control during that conflict. this isn’t normal behaviour, and mike’s the one who started it so mike’s not normal right now

the adult comment is really telling too. it felt more adult because it was more adult, because there was an adult involved. vecna was involved

mike: and maybe i should've said something, and if i would've said that thing, then maybe she'd want me there with her. wherever she is.

the show wants us to think he's talking about the romantic conflict. but if what he's thinking about is the idea of breaking up with el, and what he's thinking about has him on the verge of a panic attack, then it can't be el because we've seen his reaction to breaking up with her before and he was totally fine. what they’re telling us is going on in mike’s head makes no sense at all

this is a trick. just like mike’s fake shirt. they're distracting us with the relationship drama and letting us assume that it's about el or will as we please, while mike never specifies that that's what he's talking about

he means the main bulk of the letter. he's talking about calling el a superhero instead of telling her what he actually thinks which is that she doesn't need powers to have worth. he's on the verge of a panic attack because he doesn't know why he said that, because he feels like he's losing his mind again, and because it physically drove el away to get her powers back at the same time as bad things are happening in hawkins. that combination usually leads to el endangering herself and mike protesting, so him driving her to it without even meaning to is definitely panic-worthy

will tells mike that he can see el again and say whatever he wants to say then, but mike clearly isn't convinced. he's not reassured. he doesn't want to hear that he's going to see el again. he doesn't actually want el to have taken him with her. because being near el means uncontrollably saying something he doesn't believe that hurts her again. this is the start of mike wanting to distance himself from el to protect her

mike significantly perks up when joking around/flirting with will and after jonathan makes the plan for them to go to hawkins (away from el), which leads into possibly the most mike scene in this entire season: the bedroom heart to heart with will

will: you're packed already? mike: yeah, i mean, i never really unpacked. thanks, by the way. will: for what? mike: for knocking some sense into me. i mean, i was being a total self-pitying idiot.

there's... a lot going on here. they bring up mike's emotional baggage and then almost immediately have him brush off his panic (a near panic attack, remember) from earlier that he never actually dealt with. both of their reactions support what i was saying earlier, that it would be ridiculous if mike was that panicked over el. not even el being in danger, just a fight with el

will definitely did the right thing by pulling mike out of that spiral and it makes sense that mike would thank him for that, but he was still thinking about it at the end of that scene before he got distracted by jonathan's plan. mike is still bottling things up. there are still things about mike that are being hidden from us

mike attributes his change in mood to will, which isn't entirely wrong. support systems do make a difference in fighting off possession, as seen with the shed scene back in season 2, and mike was instrumental in bringing will back so the opposite is most likely true. but the fact is that it isn't just will, it's that vecna isn't actively using mike anymore, and it’s that mike thinks he’s going to hawkins where he won’t be able to hurt el so he can stop worrying about it for now

mike: hey, also, about the last few days...

it was incredibly intentional that mike didn't get to finish this sentence. it would have told us too much if he did. getting an insight into what mike’s version of the first two days in california looked like would probably answer a lot of questions

mike gets distracted by will's inability to accept an apology, going against his prior, uncharacteristic behaviour of apparently noticing how will was feeling but not really doing anything about it, and we get likely the same information we would have but framed in a different way

mike: listen, the truth, is the last year has been weird, you know?

presumably he's just being dramatic again and actually means the time since the byers moved, but that's still a long time. and if things have been weird in the same way that the last few days have been weird, where he’s constantly confused and not acting like himself and not knowing what’s going on at all, that has some really sinister implications

will nods in response, because he does know. will knows what it's like to be possessed. he knows what it's like to have someone else in your head. he knows what it's like to feel like you're going crazy. he knows what it's like when someone else is using you to hurt the people you care about

mike says he feels like he was focusing too much on el and that he lost will in the process. vecna was using mike to upset el. he was pushing her where he wants her to go on the chess board. he was pushing her into remembering him so that when he tortures her he'll get the full satisfaction out of it. mike wasn't allowed to focus on will because vecna wouldn't get anything out of that

the way mike mends his relationship with will here by just being himself and caring is exactly what vecna was trying to avoid by not letting mike talk to el

they get knocked off course by the shootout, plans change, and their new goal is to find a way to el

vecna continues to leave mike alone, focusing on patrick and the nosy teenagers that are poking around his house. he wants the cali crew (and mike specifically) to find el, and just letting mike do his thing is the easiest way to make that happen

when argyle starts freaking out in the desert, mike realises while standing over an open grave that not only did his words send el away, they could directly lead to her death if anything happens to her. and he still has no clue why the fuck he said that. he freezes up again (continued indication that this is an internal conflict within his mind) as he gets caught up in that thought spiral, because he didn't actually resolve it before despite what he said to will. during their conversation on top of the car, mike connects the mystery of unknown hero agent man’s dying (lack of) words to his own situation

why didn't he just say the number? -> what the hell was going on with mike in the monster/superhero fight?

because mike still can't figure it out. he still doesn't know why he couldn’t just tell el what he thinks of her

mike: i should've explained myself. maybe then eleven would've taken me with her and things would be different, but i... will: no. mike: i didn't know what to say.

there's the reoccurring oddity of mike being uncharacteristically lost again. he didn't know what to say because he didn't know what was going on, and he still doesn't understand the fight or the things he said or why he lied right to el's face

the idea that things would be different if that fight had gone differently is an interesting thing to bring up. they're telling us it's important. the things mike said in that scene are important. if mike wasn't neutralised like this, things would be different. that's why vecna couldn't let him run wild and still entertain any idea of success

i think what they’re really getting at is if mike was able to give el a stronger hint that something’s wrong. because el is very clever, and i do believe that she figures it out near the end of the season, but it would’ve made a significant difference if she got it just a few days earlier

will: i think it's just scary to open up like that. to say how you really feel. especially to the people you care about the most. because what if they don't like the truth?

queercoding aside, that last question really freaks me out within this context. because yes, it was the 80s, but good people existed in the 80s. good people have always existed. our cast of main characters is made up of good people. none of them would hate mike for being queer, even if it's a very understandable fear for him to have. but if mike was unwittingly giving information to vecna? if he was used to push vecna's plans into motion? if he was used to cause the downfall of hawkins?

that's a much, much scarier thing to think about. because i find it more plausible that people would be angry at him for that. mike could easily think so too, even if it's not his fault. he'd certainly blame himself

then mike finds the coordinates, figures out what NINA is, and has the idea to go to suzie for help

the assumption that NINA is a phone -> the assumption that what mike wants to say is that he loves el

the reality that NINA is a computer -> the reality that what mike wants to say is that el doesn't need to have powers or be a superhero to matter

mike: now i don’t know if NINA’s a computer like joshua or owens’ lab, but unknown hero agent man, he gave us access to it for a reason. we just need to find the computer. we find owens, then we warn him. then we warn eleven. i just need a hacker.

this is a coded way for them to talk about what’s going on with mike through the connection they established between the number and the superhero fight. he doesn’t know what’s happening to him, but he knows that it’s happening for a reason. he needs to find out what the situation is and then warn el. and he can do that by going to suzie

mike’s headache from the first episode makes a reappearance when they get there. vecna’s still in his head, just dormant. mike lies flawlessly with will, in contrast to dustin, lucas and max doing a very bad job of it. they’re reminding us that mike is good at lying to make us look closer at the things he’s been saying

suzie: i’m really sorry. truly. but it looks like you came all the way here for nothing. unless… mike: unless? suzie: there might be a way. but we’re gonna need help. and i mean a lot of help.

they said that mike would find answers at suzie’s house. this is it. the scene cuts to karen looking for the kids and running down into the basement right after this, which is looking good for their relationship growing stronger next season

mike came here looking for a computer, and they end up needing suzie’s father’s computer, which is locked up in his study. they use the help from before to distract him, sneak in, and start looking for answers

jonathan: maybe it’s hidden in the code somehow? mike: what you just said makes no sense. suzie: hold your butts. i’ll just trace the IP.

someone’s going to overcomplicate the situation because mike’s head has so much constantly going on in it that even a certified genius like suzie has an initial “what is all this?” reaction to it when she sees the mountains of code on the real world equivalent. but there’s going to be a really simple solution that most of them were too overwhelmed to think of immediately

the cali crew succeed, so whatever this section is foreshadowing in season 5, it’s going to work. much better than the similar plan of this season. there are a million more distractions, everyone gets out unharmed, and the person who locked up the computer is none the wiser at the end

even with the coordinates, they have a hard time finding NINA. mike and will are on the same page but jonathan insists on rechecking the map. it's right, and they remind us that mike said as much. we should trust what he's thinking about something being wrong with him and we should trust the coded solution he just found

argyle is the one who actually finds the trail, so for some reason he's going to be really important to fixing this problem

back in hawkins, vecna plays mind games with nancy and uses her as a messenger for el too. apparently that's just a thing for the plot relevant wheelers

then there's the painting scene. which i think vecna was listening in on, but i don’t think he was influencing it

the answers they found at suzie's were that mike needs help. will gives him help when he starts spiralling about the closing distance between him and el, real help that actually gets through to him, by reminding him of who he fundamentally is. when mike is literally losing himself, that makes all the difference

the scene is also very visually similar to when will was possessed. will is being absolutely smothered in light from the window, because he's mike's light, the one max says you have to hide in to escape vecna, and when the shed scene turned into a time skip montage mike was lit in a similar way

mike: i mean, she’s special. she was born special. maybe i was one of the first people to realise that.

this doesn’t make any sense unless it’s mike looking back into vecna’s mind without realising, because it’s just not true for mike but it is something vecna would think. he was talking about how el was born special (like him) just last episode. he’s the one who told her the secret to making her powers stronger because he saw himself in her

if you zoom in on what mike’s saying, you get “maybe i was one”. was. past tense, when el was nearby. now he’s mike again

when nancy delivers the message for el, it includes seeing mike dead. vecna definitely knows who he is and he's in danger

then we find out, through el, that mike did try to call will. he tried to call him a lot. enough that dustin was sick of hearing about it

dustin: i told you, joyce has this telemarketer job. she's always on the phone. mike won't stop whining about it.

so why didn't mike say as much in their rinkomania fight? he'll complain to dustin but not to will? he was defending himself, saying it's not solely on him to maintain that relationship, so why wouldn't he say something along the lines of "at least i tried," because we all know mike can get harsh in arguments with will that he thinks are unfair

why would mike say that will should have reached out more but not say that he did try to reach out himself? he told el that he called her every night for 353 days without any hesitation, so he doesn't think admitting to that kind of thing is embarrassing. he wanted el to know that he missed her. he protested when will said he deserved the way he was treated during that argument. he wasn't afraid of will knowing how much he cares because he started shamelessly flirting and told will that hawkins isn't the same without him like two days after their fight, once he started acting like himself again

and that's the problem. because it wasn't fully mike at that point. all he could get out was "that's just not true," which was calling on our pre-existing knowledge of him to piece things together

which is exactly what el starts doing. she has a lot on her mind, but she's noticed all of mike’s odd behaviour already. this is just another thing that's so blatantly contradictory that it pushes her towards really questioning where all of it is coming from. she knows this doesn't make sense. if she heard mike and will arguing about the calls she heard mike say that he was the bad guy. that was the very first hint mike seemed to be trying to give anyone that something was wrong with him, the first real effort he made to warn them, despite not fully knowing what he was warning them of. and el's figuring it out. this perfectly matches up with what jonathan said at suzie's about the answers being hidden in the code, and with mike’s goal of warning el

we get our second elmike reunion of the season, and it's right this time. el gives him a once over when she first sees him, and she seems to realise very quickly that this is actually mike. his smile looks real. he’s wearing his signature colour. he hugs el the way he usually does. they do their cute little forehead touch thing that we saw in starcourt after vecna almost killed her. he's not wearing unnecessary sunglasses. he's not ignoring will

in contrast to the shitty knockoff comment from the airport reunion, we get this

el: oh, mike. is it really you? mike: it's me. i'm here. el: okay.

that's the most "loved one fighting off possession" dialogue ever. and there's no reason el would ask that question if she hadn't realised that he's been not mike at some point, because el isn't a character like mike or joyce or hopper or will who's had problems with not knowing what's real before

this is confirmation that despite vecna's interference, mike is still here. this is will speaking through morse code and just saying the word "here" after being given strength by mike and his family, just like mike was given strength by will. and el looks so happy about it that it suddenly makes me as emotional as the willel reunion does

then we get into the piggyback, which i think has some layers to it as an episode title. it's been said a lot that vecna's like el. not just that he has powers like her or that he's from the lab like her, but that he's like her. it's incredibly easy for me to believe that they think similarly enough to have the same ideas. using mike to get to el could be described as piggybacking

el came up with it by remembering the times she's gone into people's minds to find the source of why they changed. i think this could be part of the solution to getting mike back. it matches up with what suzie said about tracing the IP address. el will have to go into mike's mind to help him, finally letting us see everything that's been going on with him throughout the whole show. mike's role in the party is sharing vital information, so it wouldn't surprise me if he spies back on vecna like will did, especially since that was mike's idea in the first place, or shows el the way to find max or vecna's weakness

it's interesting that they keep calling it a mind fight too, because that doesn't really make me think of a fight in the mind. it sounds like a fight for the mind. and that's definitely not what happens with max, because her life is at stake, not her mind

over in russia, the adults finally hear about what’s going on

hopper: she said the doc's with the girl. and the girl went off to fight some evil in hawkins. then they all went off-grid. the doc, the girl, everybody. [...] and they're not alone. joyce's kids are with them.

mike isn't included in the group that's fighting vecna. this omission makes sense for argyle, because hopper doesn't know he exists and joyce has no reason to think he'd be with them, but there's no way in hell that mike would leave el or will in the middle of this. joyce knows that. joyce has seen firsthand how stubborn he is when will is in danger, and hopper came around to him being the same way with el by the end of season 3

i don't think this is a character thing. joyce only briefly saw mike acting weird at dinner after months of being nowhere near him and that isn't really enough to figure anything out, even for her. i think it was a very conspicuous decision for the writers to not align him with the strictly good guys’ side when they had the opportunity to

argyle making a pizza is included in the preparing for battle montage. it's funny, but it also implies that whatever happens with that pizza will be important to defeating vecna

then el and mike get their first real conversation. when mike puts the pizza box glasses on and confirms that they work, el is watching him like she's looking for something. it's only when he starts goofing around, like when he joked about his singing or made fun of himself with the M&Ms in season 3, that el relaxes and starts giggling and looking absurdly happy again. this is the way mike always tries to make el laugh. it's nothing like the lame socks joke from rinkomania

mike is literally in the dark. he can't see what's going on. el can

el: mike. mike: yeah? el: i… missed you. mike: yeah. yeah, i missed you too.

el is weighing her words very carefully. she doesn't know how much she can say to mike yet. and it really sounds like they've missed each other for longer than the few days separation, because they haven't really been together like this in months

from there mike brings up the monster/superhero fight again, and el just listens. she's feeling him out, waiting to see if he has some kind of explanation for what was going on there. because he was back to himself in the reunion scene, he was back to worrying about her safety and being relieved when she's okay. that was completely at odds with the superhero comment

argyle shows up with his pizza before mike can apologise or tell el that she doesn't need to act like a superhero for him to care about her. the pizza is for mike, it turns out, but he doesn't want it

and he shouldn't, right? wasn't food bad?

el: good. mike: it's good? what do you mean it's good? el: really good. mike: that's insane. that's blasphemous.

mike seems to think so. but then argyle and el conspire against him (and the fact that they're worried enough about him to make him eat something in the first place is really telling of how much trouble he's in), and he admits defeat and accepts more help

mike: okay, okay! no, you're right. it's good.

el says the pizza is good. jonathan and argyle said the risotto was good. will was eating at breakfast

mike wasn't eating the risotto when he disappeared and someone else filled his place. mike wasn't eating breakfast before he went up to el's bedroom and someone else filled his place. mike wasn't eating back in season 2 while his parents listed off all the ways he's bad and horrible, fundamentally, as a person. mike wasn't eating in the first episode when his parents said that he shouldn't look for will. nancy told mike that the things he likes to eat are disgusting in season 1

it was never about vecna. the food is mike. admitting that the food is good is admitting that he is good

el knows this. will knows this. jonathan knows this. argyle knows this, and he's only known mike for a week. the entire party knows this. dustin, lucas, joyce, max. even karen's catching on. ted thinks the game mike likes is lame and for nerds, but that it being called pure evil is ridiculous. nancy cried when she saw a vision of mike's dead body and used the desire to keep that from becoming reality as fuel to keep fighting

dustin told mike not to jump off the quarry. el always finds the strength to save mike. steve saved him in the tunnels. max freaked out when she thought he was dead at starcourt

mike constantly throws himself into dangerous situations with no care for his own safety. he put himself at high risk of getting shot during the shootout by physically shielding the others because he thought that would be better than will or jonathan getting shot, which jonathan had to put a stop to

everyone knows that mike wheeler is worth it. they're just waiting for him to catch up

that's what mike needs to beat this. he needs to realise that he, mike wheeler, is worth fighting for, exactly as he is. that his continued existence in this world is worth preserving. that he can't let himself disappear. fighting for his friends isn't enough, he has to fight for himself

here’s where we get into the mind fight, which mike isn’t really apart of, so there shouldn’t be a lot to say. right?

vecna: you think i don't see what you're doing? memory max: is mike a good kisser? vecna: you think i don't see everything?

no, it turns out there’s this very conspicuous placement of a mike mention in this part of the story. the dialogue in the memory montages this episode matter, and max's first one in the running up that hill scene had barely any dialogue because words don't seem to be the point for her. the point is the togetherness and joy and sense of belonging from having fun with her friends. if the point of that memory is el laughing, they could have just had that. they didn't have to include the line about mike right in the middle of vecna saying he sees everything, but they did. because vecna is watching mike, and watching el through mike

el was giving the cali crew updates the whole time she was looking for max. vecna only came for max when el said she was getting close so that he wouldn’t kill max too soon

into the red mind soup world we go! vecna monologues, tells el she's the monster, says that the whole point of this was for her to watch max die

vecna: all i needed was someone to open the door. and you did that for me. without even realising it. didn't you? and when you did realise, you chose to resist.

this would work perfectly if you put mike in this scene. mike was used to open the door to get el here. mike didn't know what he was doing. mike doesn't even need to fully realise what's happening to resist it

and now, we’ve finally reached the infamous monologue

mike asks if el can hear him a lot. the answer is yes, but she can't tell him. she can't tell him because of the vines. she can't tell him that she knows what he's been trying to say all week because mike isn't just mike anymore

mike: el? i don't know if you can hear this, but… but if you can, i want you to know i'm here, okay? i'm right here.

more confirmation that mike hasn't disappeared yet. that he's still in there. that there's still hope

then he starts getting into all the obvious lies. but the thing is, i don't think they're lies, because i don't think mike is the one saying them. mike is a good liar. vecna is giving the monologue. which means it's not a lie, it's just not true. and mike looks like he's fighting it the whole time. this is where the alternate interpretation of what a mind fight is comes in

at the end of season 3, max and mike were the ones with el when vecna chased her through starcourt. they tried to protect her from vecna. they stalled long enough to keep el from getting skewered and for joyce to close the gate. now el is trapped, max is being killed in front of her, and mike is monologuing down from the sky and making her cry. they are both being used to hurt el

el knows that mike hasn't loved her since the day they met, because she heard him say he wanted to send her back to pennhurst that first night. el knows that mike can live without her (if not happily), because he made it a whole year into her disappearance but less than a week into will's. el knows that mike's life didn't start the day he met her, because he tried to end it a few days later when she ran off and took any hope of finding will with her

it's not until mike calls el a superhero again that she realises exactly what's happening

el's reaction to mike saying he can't lose her looks like she's thinking the exact same thing. she knows something's wrong with mike, and she doesn't want to lose him either, because he was one of the first friends she ever made and she doesn't want him to disappear

mike starts parroting what brenner said about flying and moving mountains, and el looks angry. she looks at vecna, looming ominously over max, not lifting a finger to stop mike's supposedly good monologue. and then she's able to pull away from the vines

mike was a distraction. mike was keeping el from breaking away sooner and saving max and hawkins

this is what they meant by forced conformity killing the kids. mike didn't choose to conform to society's expectations of the nature of his relationship with el, he was forced into it. and max died because of it

max's plan didn't work. nancy's plan didn't work. el's plan didn't work. dustin's plan didn't work

joyce's plan did. joyce caught vecna off guard again. and it worked because she didn't tell the kids what she found out about hopper. mike had no clue what she was doing. he didn't know she was involved, and vecna distracted him before he could figure it out by himself

vecna screwed himself over. because despite all the posturing about being the superior specimen, vecna is not as smart as mike. that's why mike had to be free to find el. because mike is better than him. mike has foiled his evil plans over and over and over again. even now, when vecna's supposed to have total control, mike managed to warn el when he was only at 30% control against vecna's 70%, and he did it in a way where vecna doesn't even know she knows. vecna screwed himself over letting mike have even that much, because mike is better than him, whether he likes it or not

the gates opening -> mike urging el to wake up -> el reviving max

once again, mike is right in the middle of things that are happening because of vecna despite supposedly having nothing to do with it

the fact that he's crying is also a massive red flag. he's one of the most emotionally closed off characters on the show. he only cries when something's seriously wrong

he really is terrified of losing el, and he's spent the better part of the past week trying to figure out why he said something he didn't mean that pushed her into danger, and he just said a bunch more stuff he didn't mean, and she hasn't woken up yet, and if she never does it'll be his fault

two days later, mike is back to himself. the first thing he does is hug karen

karen: you are never going on vacation again, you hear me? in fact, you can forget about college. you are staying right here.

there’s more of mike being “here,” officially adding karen to the list of people who will probably be fighting for him in season 5

then we cut to jonathan and nancy

jonathan: this isn't an earthquake. i know. i know a lot more than you think. nancy: how? we've been trying to call you— jonathan: i know. i know, i'm sorry. we just couldn't risk contact. nancy: "we couldn't risk contact"? jonathan: hey, hey. i'll tell you everything, okay? i promise.

we know jonathan's very perceptive. jonathan sees things that people try to hide. jonathan's been with mike all week, jonathan's seen everything, and jonathan's hinting at having more answers than anyone would expect

i honestly think he has the best frame of reference for mike's normal behaviour. he's known him since he was five, he's older than him so has a better memory of certain points of his life (as illustrated by the toy up the nose story that will only vaguely remembered), and he didn't stop paying attention to him the second he stopped being cuter than his baby sister like the wheelers did

at the hospital, mike is in the same room as lucas for a grand total of ten seconds before lucas notices that something’s wrong with him

will looks concerned when he finds out how messy mike has gotten from nancy’s lighthearted jab about his bedroom. it seems like a lot of different people are collecting a lot of different pieces that they'll have to put their heads together to make sense of

i can't for the life of me figure out what tipped him off. i have no idea what's going through his head or why he gives mike such a suspicious look, similar to el's from the pizza box glasses conversation. mike can't see lucas as he realises something’s wrong because it's during the hug, just like he couldn't see el before, which means that vecna can't see that they're onto him either

i'm confident that he was 100% mike at this point (with vecna still in his head, just dormant again), but the effect it's had on him is apparently still extremely noticeable to the people who know him very well

mike didn't seem to know that el brought max back to life. she didn't tell him, and she doesn't explain now either. he'll have to be in the dark on basically everything in season 5 for them to stand a chance, up until the point where they get him back properly, which is a major problem because mike is instrumental to figuring things out and making plans. hawkins literally fell apart without him

when nancy talks to jonathan one on one again, they continue to hide what’s going on with mike behind the relationship drama. she says that she's glad jonathan was with mike first and will second, kind of as an afterthought, which is another hint towards jonathan knowing what's going on with mike

while they’re cleaning up the cabin, el not talking to mike goes from implicit to textual

will: did she… talk to you at all? mike: not much. i mean, a little bit.

this is exactly what jonathan was talking about. team hawkins was trying to call the byers, but they couldn't risk contact in case the government was listening. mike has been trying to call the byers, but they can't risk contact in case vecna is listening

i’m pretty sure this is what mike was going for in the first place. the idea of distancing himself from the group and el specifically. it’s exactly the kind of move he would pull, and it’s funny that they ended up going with what was originally mike’s plan because it’s just the best course of action. he came up with it days ahead of anyone else, based mostly on instinct and not the evidence that el and jonathan needed to collect over the week to figure it out

will: it's strange, knowing now who it was this whole time, but…

the camera is focused on mike as will says this. half of his face is in shadow, which conveys a sense of duplicity

we cut away for a second, but it comes back to mike for will to say that vecna won't stop until he's taken everything. vecna will likely try to completely take over mike's mind. possibly as a replacement body, because he knows they wouldn’t dare try the molotov cocktail trick when killing him means killing mike too. this matches up with what happened in season 2 and joyce's fear that will would cease to exist as the possession grew stronger

then the adults show up and mike gets an individual reunion with hopper, which kind of visually parallels the one with karen

hopper: you’ve grown. mike: yeah. you shrunk.

hopper’s comment puts him on the team of people who will be fighting to get mike back in season 5 too. staying “here” is connected to growth, and he’s happy to see that mike has grown, and he’s going to want him to keep doing that

mike’s part is more of the same of their dynamic from the start of season 3. mike is being annoying to show affection because hopper is one of the few adults he feels safe enough to act like an obnoxious teenager around. but hopper doesn’t get mad about it this time, he gets this fond smile on his face and initiates the hug. this is one more thing that mike’s been conditioned to think is bad about himself getting treated as good instead

hopper was vitally important to figuring out will’s possession. he was the first person joyce called and he’s the one who always figured out what will was saying when he found unconventional ways to communicate like through drawings or morse code. hopper’s probably going to do something similar for mike

[misskingshit]

I hate u (but not really)

summary: She’s impulsive. He’s impossible. Teamed up on missions and constantly at each other’s throats, they’d rather fight than cooperate.

note: Im telling u, this is gonna be a series, and it’s gonna be THE BEST, ok maybe not but still kinda good. (plus, i had to edit this in my phone so if titles or shit like that are not aligned or well situated it’s bc I cannot make it any better on my phone, sorry!).xoxo

Chapter I - Chapter II - Chapter III - Chapter IV

Too young, too bitter (chapter I)

mission gone wrong, obviously his fault

“You want me to follow him?” you ask, deadpan, staring at the glowing mission tablet in your hands. “You’re joking.”

“Nope,” Natasha replies without looking up from her gear bag. “You’re on recon with Barnes. Sam and I take the northern perimeter. Steve’s running point with Wanda.”

You glance across the hangar. Bucky stands at the Quinjet, arms crossed, looking like someone just asked him to eat a salad for breakfast.

“Can’t I just—switch with Sam or something?” you plead. “I’d rather spend two hours listening to Tony explain quantum physics in Klingon than spend one more minute with his cranky ass.”

From across the hangar, Bucky raises an eyebrow. “You know I can hear you, right?”

You don’t even flinch. “Good.”

He scoffs and turns back to the Quinjet. You groan.

Later, high above the city skyline, the two of you move through the crumbling remains of an abandoned HYDRA base. You’re nimble, fast, clearing rooms ahead of him like a blur.

“You going to keep rushing ahead like a toddler on Red Bull?” Bucky mutters through comms.

“You going to keep walking like your hips are made of rust and regret?” you shoot back.

“Maybe if someone followed the damn plan—”

“Maybe if someone updated their attitude post-WWII—”

“Guys,” Natasha cuts in over comms. “Shut up.”

You both go silent.

But it doesn’t last.

In one of the darker corridors, a security turret snaps to life.

You dodge. Bucky shoots. It barely misses your shoulder.

“Are you trying to kill me?” you snap, panting behind cover.

“You jumped in front of my shot!”

“I moved like a normal person. You aimed like my grandma.”

His voice comes through low and annoyed: “If you’d stop acting like a reckless kid—”

“And if you’d stop acting like every decision is life or death, maybe we wouldn’t be stuck in this eternal pissing contest!”

There’s a pause.

“Is that what this is? A contest?” he says, dryly.

“No,” you reply, stepping out from cover, voice icy. “Because I’m already winning.”

cold war (a.k.a the pettiest show on Earth)

Back at the tower, your feud reaches a level of childish few Avengers have witnessed before.

The thermostat war begins Monday.

You like the lounge at a cool 21°C. Bucky, the 106-year-old relic of a man, insists on setting it to an unholy 25. You start changing it every time he leaves the room. He starts locking the settings.

You hack it.

He disconnects it from the Wi-Fi.

You tape a printed photo of yourself next to the controls flipping the bird with a sticky note: "This war is mine."

Tuesday, you label everything in the fridge.

Not just your food. Everything.

"YOGURT — NOT BUCKY'S"

"JUICE — MINE. NOT GRUMPY GHOST VETERAN'S."

"LEFTOVER PASTA — TOUCHED BY ME. HOPE YOU LIKE GERMS."

The next day, your stash is replaced with MREs and a Post-it that just says “Try being less annoying.”

You leave his arm polish in the freezer.

He doesn’t speak to you for two days.

things (almost) gets physical

You’re sparring in the gym. Steve pairs you up intentionally, everyone in the tower Stark can’t take anymore you two fighting and failing on missions all the time.

You glare at Bucky from across the mat. He rolls his eyes.

"You know, we could skip this,” he mutters, rolling his shoulder.

“What, afraid I’ll kick your ass?” you ask sweetly.

“I’m afraid I’ll say something you’ll cry about for three hours.”

You lunge. He blocks. You spin and catch him with a leg sweep, sending him stumbling.

He recovers fast, grabs your arm, and flips you—hard. You hit the mat with a dull thud.

“Oops,” he says, smirking.

“You’re such a child,” you hiss, wiping blood from your lip.

“Says the one who labeled her yogurt.”

You go at him again, and this time, your fight looks more like a bar brawl than training. Steve has to physically step between you, catching your wrist mid-swing.

“Okay!” he says, laughing nervously. “Let’s dial it back.”

Bucky huffs and storms off.

You’re left breathless, heart pounding—not just from the fight.

There was a moment in there.

A second where he was above you on the mat, hands gripping your wrists, your faces inches apart, and your pulse jumped for a completely different reason.

You haven’t stopped thinking about it since.

white flag

It’s a week later when you find Bucky alone on the balcony during one of Tony’s ridiculous rooftop parties. Everyone else is drinking and dancing under string lights. He’s nursing a beer, watching the city.

You don’t say anything at first. Just lean next to him, close enough to feel his presence but not close enough to be soft.

He glances at you.

You both sigh at the same time.

“I still think you’re too bitter for your own good,” you say eventually.

He chuckles. “And you’re still an immature pain in my ass.”

You clink your glass against his bottle.

“Glad we understand each other.”

He glances sideways at you, and for the first time, there’s no venom in it.

Just something... complicated.

“You’re not that bad,” he says.

You smirk. “Careful. That almost sounded like a compliment.”

“Don’t let it go to your head.”

You stand in silence again, this time comfortably. Maybe this cold war isn’t over. But you’ve both stopped firing missiles.

For now.

Would you like a follow-up chapter where all this tension explodes into something more intimate (or romantic), or maybe a scene where they have to pretend to get along during a mission undercover as a couple?

[susansontag]

I read recently (this is all already public btw but I won’t use any info that could be identifying) about a woman with contamination ocd (but her contamination was sort of abstract, in practice she was washing a lot etc but things felt ‘contaminated’ by distrust, broken promises etc), and she was effectively confined to two safe spaces: the driver seat of her car and her room. she lived with her boyfriend of a few years. obviously her life was very reduced, she felt so immobilised that she couldn’t even really shower or eat food other people had prepared and struggled to do laundry etc. she was depressed.

on christmas day her boyfriend played a ‘prank’ on her, giving her a few presents. they were rubbish that he’d fished out of their bin and wrapped in christmas paper (it’s like a horror story…). she said this triggered her immensely, she felt scared and confused and a huge lack of trust had entered the relationship. he’d also moved things around in their (her? idk) room in a way she had no control over, so she felt the bedroom was no longer safe and she started living out of her car.

she wrote that she knew her ocd made her irrational, her boyfriend had probably just been trying to use tough love to ‘snap her out of it’, and she wasn’t sure she had a right to feel as bad about it as she did. she revealed he had done things like this often, deliberately dirtying things and presenting her with things that felt unsafe, despite her being at the time severely ill. I was interested in how other people would respond to this situation, because while ocd is a disorder, there are qualified professionals who help treat people in this sort of reduced state, and it’s a crisis situation that cannot be ‘fixed’ by someone’s partner praying a cruel ‘prank’, however irrational and ‘crazy’ the person’s behaviour may seem to them. for her it felt like a life or death situation, but she thought maybe she could be in the wrong (she had chosen to break up with him once he’d played this prank and ‘contaminated’ the bedroom (I remind you here that feelings of distrust and lack of safety in relationships were directly linked to her feeling that things were dirtied)).

they told her to call a women’s refuge where she could live for a while, so she could not sleep in her car, and that it sounded like her boyfriend had been abusing her for months when she was having a mental health crisis. I was relieved when others reacted to this situation with the amount of horror I was feeling! it made me wonder about how vulnerable women with mental illnesses like ocd can be to this form of intimate partner abuse, because they understandably view their reactions as heightened, irrational, and therefore suspect they must be in the wrong for feeling afraid. no partner that loves someone would ever try and ‘help’ them like that, period…

I will try and turn reblogs off for this btw, but if it doesn’t work please don’t share it. I have not shared anything this person did not share herself publicly, but I still feel a bit mm even about posting it here, I’ll probably delete it later. I wish I could post something only for my mutuals or followers. but I’ve been thinking about this the past few days, what a nightmare story that I’d never even considered before…

[cannimumsable]

BROOO WHAT’S A GOOD OUTFIT FOR CLUBBING !?

ok so. gay clubbing. you probably will dance. you SHOULD dance. so dance safe clothes. as in, if you know you can dance in heels don't wear heels (I don't think you own any so you're fine but yknow. in general comfy shoes) etc etc. I advise shiny stuff. put on cute chains and jewelry, nothing that you fear getting stolen just in case and avoid stuff that could hurt people badly if they get hit with it but pick as much stuff that will shine with club lights as possible. glitter is good too if you have it. tie up your hair but know it won't stay up if you dance well enough. no hat, it's gonna fall. again, nothing you fear losing too much. DONT TAKE YOUR BIG ASS BAG WITH YOU. FIND A PURSE. I'M BEING SO SERIOUS. find a good safe pocket for your phone. in the same vein as the jewelry, flowy clothes that will move with you, OR if you're confident with it, tight stuff that will show how you move.

I haven't been to that many fun places and technically no clubs but my friends act like everywhere is a club so. generally I like putting on crop tops because I dance with my hips.

[silverwhittlingknife]

hiii! i just wanted to reach out n let you know that i just spent the last few days speed reading all your ao3 work bc i literally couldn't put it down. the way you write dick really just scratches my brain in the best way possible. he's a little (read: very) neurotic and it just. his motivations are so clear in your work, not in the sense that there isn't tension and anxiety but in that his core personality, his drive to help and the anger and trauma that has built him, his need to always be performing and catering to those around him, it comes across sososososos SO well. he was the first character that got me into comics and since then i've kinda stopped reading him bc i have lots of issues w tom taylors run (not the point so i digress) but you have really inspired me to go back and read more of his old stuff so thank you! you have such a clear grasp on his character and its something i admire very much! ur very very talented! and i really appreciate you sharing ur art! hope ur doin well :)

HI THIS IS SUCH A NICE COMPLIMENT???? <3333 This is so nice & sweet & it made my whole day!!! THANK YOU I AM HUGGING YOU ACROSS THE INTERNET AHHHHHH

he's a little (read: very) neurotic and it just. his motivations are so clear in your work, not in the sense that there isn't tension and anxiety but in that his core personality, his drive to help and the anger and trauma that has built him, his need to always be performing and catering to those around him

YEAH IT's HIMMMM i love this description <333

THANK YOU YOU ARE LOVELY & KIND PLS ACCEPT THIS DOG PICTURE AS TOKEN OF MY GRATITUDE

[comas-are-for-sleeping]

its so mindboggling that people can go “how can you say free palestine if you’re queer” as if the opinions a person has changes the validity of their life??? yall sound real similar to the people saying trans people are a danger to society

[wormtoxin]

updated personas/subroutines: (disclaimer: i still don’t think im plural, sorry)

Pepper/Clover: the main one, not even one of the subroutines really, just the blank slate object which all the others act upon. The physical body. The only persona recognized by society.

Autopilot: the regular forms and functions of being a human being. Wake up, brush teeth, go to class, come home, go to sleep. Sometimes one of the others sneaks in and replaces it without my notice, especially when I’m talking to other people, and I don’t care for that shit at all. Routine.

Rambles: Vile little subroutine that makes my mouth move well before my brain. Sometimes I feel like I’m going on and on and I can’t stop. I don’t like conversation much because having to talk necessitates Rambles and then I feel totally out of control and I hate it. Objectively this one has its uses but it’s also my least favorite.

The Wretch: Self-loathing subroutine. Convinced it’s a worthless fuckup and probably correct. Self-sacrificing while being selfish, apologetic while seeking sympathy, paradoxically victim and passive-aggressor. The worst of both worlds. I actually put a lot of time and effort into being properly accountable the way a human being should be, but sometimes i get overemotional and I spiral and that part’s The Wretch i think.

The Doll: Control, poise, perfection, submission, obedience. Maybe if it’s perfect we can get it right this time. If it’s just perfect then nobody can criticize it. Next time it’ll get it. Never does. Masking, I think? Maybe some kind of fucked up anti-masking? Can’t keep this one up for long. Wishes it could just be quiet for once and let our actions speak for themselves, but people keep trying to talk to it, and it inevitably slips away. Probably used it more when I was working.

The Dog: Playing, eating, sleeping, rolling, getting off, singing and drawing. Simple bodily expressions. Not so bright. This one doesn’t get much of an outlet. Kind of a lump, occasionally whipped into shape by expectation. I actually kinda like being this one but it’s impossible when being perceived by another human being. The most invisible persona of them all. Immoral (amoral?) and therefore unsustainable long-term

The Magician: Doing, studying, creating, dressing, presenting. A self-styled scholar. Flashy and stylish and confident. Would describe itself as “dark academia” or something similarly edgy-but-trendy. Work and school romanticized, transmogrified into an exciting fantasy. Useful for being productive.

The Witch: Free of responsibility to society or others or ethics. A heartbreaker maneater homewrecker bitch. A natural disaster. An expression not of individuality or self, but force and violence. Claiming anything it wants by any means necessary and destroying everything in its path. Selfish to the core. Chained up in a basement somewhere. It exists but it’s cruel and it sucks so I never ever let it out. But I like to remember it’s there. A trump card, a concealed weapon. Break glass in case of emergency. I feel the shape of its outline like a knife stashed in a boot and I know I could use it if I ever needed it.

Honorable Mentions:

Poetics: Playing with sounds, words, grammar, languages, ideas until they sound musical and pleasing. Etymology research, vocabulary buff, eidetic memory for certain words and phrases, but only when they sound “right”. Possibly used for all five senses, or possibly shares overlap with Composition (visual) and Kinesthetics (touch)

Faux Marxism: Self-righteous understanding of the dialectical materialist view of history. Used mostly for impassioned speeches at inopportune moments (Rambles) or in response to perceived political threats. Poetics and Faux Marxism are both very invested in learning as much vocabulary, history, languages, and multiculturalism as possible, but for very different reasons.

Horndog: you could take all of sexuality and sprinkle it across all the other different subroutines, OR you could concentrate it into one horrible little guy.

Puzzles: The subroutine that just will NOT let a problem go until it’s solved. Character designs, meaningless research inquiries, computer software. Very very very very rarely, actual assigned tasks. The Magician wants what Puzzles has.

Hibernation: Comfy cozy blanket pillow sweater cuddle nap pile. Memorized the rhythms of the winter hibernation episodes of Tanoshii Moomin Ikka and plays them in a loop continually year-round. This one might be straight-up biological. I think I might have a vitamin deficiency.

Fog: The squishy slouchy sweaty medium that fills up whatever psychic dream space all the other personas occupy. There used to be a sense of “me” but it got covered up by all the fog what seems like years ago. That sense of wholeness, control, totality, unification. It existed once. I like to think it’s still out there, somewhere, if I just get my meds right or get enough sleep and if I can just synthesize all the others maybe I can feel “like myself” again. But all the fog covers it up. Memory issues. Whenever I get a sudden moment of clarity, and I realize I’ve been one of the more loathsome subroutines, someone I don’t recognize, I’ll have just stumbled out of the fog. Always comes with a feeling of “Why did I just say that?” Or, “What did I just say?”. Dissociation, maybe???

????: see previous. The negative space that fills everything else in. I don’t even know whether to call this one “Selfhood” or “Synthesis” or “Control” or “Autonomy” or …”Me”. That’s probably most appropriate but it feels like too foreign a word to make sense of. Whatever was here once got swallowed up by the fog, and I don’t know what it is anymore. If it was here I think I could feel like a present sensor and agent in my own life again. This is probably what people expect out of “Pepper” or “Clover”, the flagship of the armada, the face and voice of the operation. I don’t know where that person is. All the subroutines (personas?) are trying to emulate her, stall for time until she comes back. She might not ever be coming back. We might be all we have.

[gwydionae]

I get using no specific iteration of the TMNT in a crossover and just making yet another new version. After all, the franchise has had many, many different versions at this point, so it's easy to accept that this is simply one more to add to the pile.

But Naruto has... one. Just the one. So when all of a sudden characters are written/shown to have expertise that they shouldn't have at the age they're being depicted, it just ends up feeling weird.

I get that fitting things into the Naruto timeline can be a chore. Do it too early, and Sakura is kinda useless. Do it too late, and Sasuke's off murdering people. And if you try to set it after the series, the power levels are seriously gonna be out of whack.

But breaking the only canon that has ever existed for these characters makes them feel like... not the same characters. I might be the only one who cares about this, but it really took me out of the story, to the point where I couldn't help but focus on it. I don't want to be distracted from page one of a silly ninja crossover comic.