#and like it sucks bc im struggling to figure out whether or not it was a personal taste issue or if it genuinely didnt work from a writing

[ohcrapmyfishwhy]

I feel old bc I didn't like the amazing digital circus.

[stevieharringtonwifeguy]

Transfem Stevie who figures it out when she goes to a gay bar with Robin (post s3?) and meets another transwoman and has a Huh, you can do that? moment.

i sort of Went Off on this one lmaoo. bc im incapable of not steddifying everything this is now T4T Steddie 2: This Time They're Lesbians- with trans girl eddie cracking stevie's egg

PLEASE NOTE: this is set in the 80s, so they use kind of outdated terminology for trans people. also there's a d slur used in a positive, self-ID way. overall the vibes are good but the language is questionable. do with that what you will lol

When Robin asks Steve to be her ‘emotional support heterosexual’ (her words) for her first visit to an Indianapolis gay club, Steve prepares himself for a night of ‘hey, have you met my friend Robin’, pointedly not hitting on any girls, and politely declining offers of drinks and dances from guys until he’s buzzed enough to admit he’s curious. And so far, that’s exactly what he’s been doing. Robin’s off dancing with a girl after Steve assured her about ten times that he’d be fine on his own. He’s just debating whether or not his inhibitions are lowered enough to go dancing when his thoughts are interrupted by a voice to his right.

“Steeeeeeeve Harrington.”

Steve turns, already cringing. Anyone who says his name with a tone like that is someone who is not going to be thrilled with seeing him in a gay club. The thing is, Steve has no idea who this person is. Can’t even really tell if they’re a guy or a girl. Their features are fairly masculine, all lean muscles and square chin, but they’ve got long, wild hair and heavy eye makeup. The cropped muscle tank with ‘Massive Dyke’ printed in lurid red muddies the waters even further.

“Oh, hey… uh…” Yeah, Steve’s pulling a complete blank. They look kind of familiar? He’s definitely seen them around. Somewhere. 

They roll their eyes. “Not surprised King Steve doesn’t recognise me. Especially looking like this. What are you doing here?”

Steve sighs a little. “I’m here with a friend. She was nervous to come alone so I’m here for moral support and wingmanning.”

“Yeah, sure,” they scoff, and Steve frowns even more.

“Look, I know I was a dick in high school. And I’m genuinely sorry if I was a dick to you. But that was four years ago. I’ve grown up, and I’m here to be a good friend. Can you let me do that?”

The person blinks, and then looks a little sheepish. “Okay, yeah, that’s fair,” they say, before extending a hand. “And it’s Eddie. Eddie Munson.”

Steve smiles and shakes the offered hand. “Oh, yeah! You ran that club my kids went to- dungeons and dragons, right? Cool to see you again, dude!”

Eddie’s face does a complicated little wiggle before- “Uh, not a dude, man.”

“Wait, what?”

“I’m a girl, now. Still Eddie, though, it’s just short for Edith now. Have you heard of transsexuals?”

Steve shakes his head. “I’m pretty new to this. I know, like. Five words.”

“Well, easiest way to put it is that I was born a guy, but I feel more like a girl, so now I’m, like, switching.”

“Switching…” Steve says, trying his best to look genuinely interested and confused. He generally doesn’t struggle too hard to look confused, but he’s a little worried Eddie will think he’s being a dick about it. “You can do that?”

Eddie snorts, gesturing down to herself. “Clearly.”

“Huh,” Steve says. Frankly, this is blowing his mind. “Why doesn’t everyone do that, then? Like, no one likes being a guy.”

“Ye- wait, what?”

“Like, the sexism of being a girl would suck, obviously. But everything else sounds great! Like, you get prettier clothes and you can wear makeup- and girls are so nice to other girls, I've always been kind of jealous of that.”

Eddie looks shocked, but Steve's on a roll now, almost forgetting she's there as he continues thinking aloud. “And like. Girls’ bodies are just. Better, y'know? Like what do guys have, muscles? Girls can have muscles too, but girls are just so… like, everyone wants boobs, right?”

Eddie has a strange look on her face. “I mean, I do. Because I’m transsexual.”

“When you’re transsexual, do you get boobs? Like, do you- wait, is that rude? I feel like I wouldn’t ask another girl about her boobs.”

Eddie’s silent for a moment, looking at Steve in bewilderment, before she seems to collect herself. She takes a swig of her beer and then smiles at him. It looks both welcoming and like she’s in on a secret, and puts Steve at ease. He can see why the kids were so obsessed with her in high school.

“You know what, ordinarily it would be kind of rude, but I have a feeling this conversation is… not what I thought it was gonna be,” she says, and Steve tilts his head a bit in confusion. “So yeah, I do have boobs. You can take estrogen as a little pill, and it basically does puberty for you again. You get boobs, a little extra fat on your hips and thighs, and your skin gets softer. Here, feel.”

And then Eddie takes Steve’s hand and slides it up her shirt. His brain immediately turns off. And yeah, there’s definitely a gentle swell there. They’re small, but Steve can feel the squish of them. Her nipples are pierced. Steve thinks he might die.

“Wow,” he squeaks, about five embarrassing octaves higher than his normal tone. “Cool!”

Eddie grins as she removes his hand from her tit. “Yeah, cool. I’d let you fondle them a little more, sweetheart, but they’re still growing. Kind of sore.”

Steve blushes, rubbing his hand on his thigh and desperately trying to will his boner down. “Man, I wish I could grow boobs,” he sighs, a little wistfully.

“You can, y’know,” Eddie says, with a little chuckle and a soft smile. “What’s stopping you?”

That. Steve hasn’t considered that. A hundred things come to his lips- he’s not like that, he’s not one of those- a hundred things that he knows are absolutely terrible reasons. If Robin were here she’d either be whacking him upside the head or giving him that really sad look she does whenever he’s mean to himself.

“Hey,” Eddie says, speaking softly and laying a gentle hand on Steve’s knee. It shocks him out of his spiral as he looks up into her big brown eyes. “Y’know, I’ve got some makeup in my van. If you wanted to try some things out. No one here will judge you.”

“I- yeah,” Steve is breathless. “I’d like that. Uh- my friend-”

“Oh, is she real? I’ll be honest, I kinda thought you were doing the ‘oh I’m not gay I’m just here for a friend’ thing.”

Laughing, Steve looks out over the crowd. “No, she’s real. Let me just let her know I’ll be gone for a moment- honestly she’s probably halfway to third base with some girl anyway-”

And sure enough, Robin is more than ready to let Steve wander off once he peels her off a pretty girl on the opposite side of the club. He rejoins Eddie, who leads him down the street towards her van and helps him into the back. She takes out her makeup bag, cracking jokes about their wildly different styles while she delicately brushes powder over his face. She generously refrains from threatening to take his eye out with the eyeliner pencil (more than once at least), and apologises for not having anything more ‘babygirl’ than her bright red lipstick. Steve can definitely say this is the most fun he’s ever had in the back of a van.

Finally, masterpiece done, Eddie rummages in her bag for a little compact, presenting it to Steve with a dumb little bow. Steve takes it with a roll of his eyes, and prepares himself with a deep breath.

The person in the mirror is beautiful. Glowing skin, huge doe eyes lined with smokey eyeliner and lashes a mile long, practically sinful lips. Steve almost doesn’t recognise himself, except that he does. He really, really does, in a way he now realises he never really has before. It’s the first time he’s ever looked at his face in the mirror and not wanted to change anything.

“You’re a really pretty girl, Stevie,” Eddie says with a gentle smile.

Steve can’t look away from the mirror. “Yeah,” she says, a red-lipped grin stretching across her face. “I really am.”

[jewishtwig]

hi, im starting the conversion process and i have 3 concerns about it i was wondering if i could get your opinion on bc i feel like there isn’t a huge online jewish community and especially not for converts (but it’s fine if you don’t have anything to say i get it)

the first is that im struggling to figure out how to tell my family about my want to convert. i was raised atheist and am honestly still pretty atheist/agnostic, just not completely. my father is a climate scientist who is very anti-religion in general (but mostly generalizes all religion as christian, you know, as ppl do), and i’m worried he’ll think it’s a phase, because once when he was around my age he started attending church for a girl he was dating only to abandon it later and regret it totally. i don’t think he’s antisemitic but i don’t think he’ll be super enthused in general about me wanting to be jewish just bc it means i’d be religious

the second one is that i was invited to visit a synagogue near me for shabbat services and i’m really looking forward to it, but i looked on their website and said they want all men who visit to wear a kippah regardless of whether or not they are jewish. do you think it would be inappropriate to buy one of my own instead of using one of the ones they offer at the synagogue if i just wore it while visiting for services?

finally (sorry this is a lot i might just need to get it out of my system tbh), i talked to a rabbi (as mentioned above) and she told me to convert with any synagogue in my state i’d need to take a very specific intro to judaism course that doesn’t start until almost a year from now. is it irrational to be upset i have to wait so long? i was sitting on the idea of reaching out to a rabbi about conversion for almost a year, so to finally do it and be told i just have to wait more, after i get the guts to stop waiting, kinda sucks. but i’m worried if i express my concerns to the rabbi she’ll interpret that as me being too eager and impatient?? i’m not sure

Hello! No need to apologize! It’s an important thing to consider. I’m glad you found an answer on my blog already 😊

There is actually a surprisingly large online community of converts and converts in progress! (I’ll make a poll about it in a bit because now I’m curious.)

Okay on to your first second question, I don’t think it would necessarily be inappropriate per say but I wouldn’t advise it yet for a couple of reasons.

1. You don’t know what style of kippah you like yet and wearing the ones they provide is a good way to test them out.

2. You’re not going to be wearing it outside of shul and they have them there for you for free.

3. There are many different styles and sizes and this community may have a style they prefer that you aren’t aware of yet. (That’s not to say you can’t wear other styles but it’s something to consider)

4. You don’t need to. They have them there for you to use.

5. A secret fifth thing I can’t quite put my finger on which makes this feel not quite right to me. 

Next question, it’s definitely not irrational to be upset. That’s a very rational feeling to have. However, conversion is a long process. For many people, it takes several years because of things like waiting for classes or a Rabbi to be available. Conversion is a lifetime commitment. If you have to wait one more year and then get to be Jewish for the rest of your life, is it worth it to you?

You can tell the Rabbi if you want, but if that’s the only class and it’s required, then it is what it is.

[mithliya]

Probably a stale take but i hate how a lot of radblr sees questioning or being confused your sexuality as inherently bisexual, "bc if ur strictly OSA or SSA theres nothing to be confused about!" Like ok cool but i still dont know what im //attracted// to lol 💀 "oh its just who you want to have sex with!" Well i WANT/ED to self harm normally too so how do i know if i wanted to engage in hardcore kink with men twice my age bc i was genuinely attracted to gross old men or bc i just wanted to self harm in more extreme ways and liked being praised for it.

Lol. Anyway. Sorry if this is TMI im just struggling rn ngl. Like "am i repulsed by dick/men bc im traumatized AND live in a society where men are objectively shit and hetero sex/relationships suck for all women, and this is just what OSA feels like, or because i was never //attracted// to them in the first place and thats why i only wanted violent kink with men and "vanilla" with girls and women around my own age?". Anyway. Maybe im just dumb as dirt

they do??? but anyways its def not a simply bisexual experience. i was confused for a very long time but when i realised i was a lesbian i felt dumb as hell bc it was literally so obvious from as far back as i can remember. most lesbians i know also went thru a point where they were confused or thought they couldnt be lesbians bc xyz and even many het women went thru long periods confused about their sexuality as well. it happens and i wish we just somehow knew our sexualities from day 1 bc while that comes with cons (i feel like being closeted when u know the truth is harder than simply lying to urself tbh) its probably ultimately better than the confusion.

also a lot of what u mentioned sounds v much like a traumatised woman experience to me (also a closeted one, not saying ur les or bi tho but just that i also literally didnt know wtf attraction was and would talk about how i Dont Get It and Dont Understand all the time). its confusing figuring out ur sexuality to begin with but i feel like its even more confusing when u also have trauma to cope with which also likely influenced ur behaviour and feelings. i struggled with figuring out whether it was just trauma or my sexuality too and in the end after thinking thru everything n thinking before the trauma i was like. this cant just be trauma

ur not dumb btw. that shit is confusing and many traumatised women esp traumatised SSA women (this goes especially if u were traumatised from a young age) struggled to figure ourselves out for similar reasons.

[winterbl0ss0m]

assigning some of my favorite characters genshin mains and teams because i Can and i Will

i know the amount of 5stars ive assigned a lot of them is lowkey unreasonable but i dont care dhsjfbsk this is purely based on vibes or if it fits their character also this is my opinion so let me vibe please

suzuya juuzou - rosaria main definitely. he’d also love and use hu tao, xiao, and zhongli (shinopapa vibes *cries*). i realize now i unknowingly gave him a full polearm team, but honestly it makes sense bc he would Absolutely Love all the polearm users, the polearms remind him of his scythe (he wishes rosaria had an actual scythe). i also think he would love scaramouche and is anxiously awaiting him becoming playable (me too dude, me too)

nagito komaeda - bennett main !!! he would see that unlucky boy and be like , you are me, i love you, you are precious, im maining you (he would be so much nicer to bennett than he is himself and he would probably cry while doing bennett’s hangout event). i think he’d also use ganyu, xiao, and ningguang (i have no basis for the latter three that was entirely gut feeling but i think it fits honestly). i also think he would have almost every 5star unlocked, as well as every 4star at c4 or higher, because his luck is just too damn good- although his bad luck kicked in and almost stopped him from getting xiao who he really wanted, so he whaled in order to get him

inosuke hashibira - not only would he main razor, but he would probably refuse to ever switch to any other character- he would have the starters (traveler [whose name is “INOSUKE” in all caps just like that], kaeya, and amber) but theyre all level 20 and razor is constantly on life support, but he is completely maxed out (c6, level 90, full level talents, fully levelled wolf’s gravestone). tanjiro is constantly yelling at him to start using more characters (he is the reason the others are level 20) but that just makes inosuke even more stubborn. should he eventually cave, he would probably also use venti (reminds him of zenitsu), childe (reminds him of tanjiro), and noelle (for nezuko- although he had to ask tanjiro for some help on that one)

ran mitake - Definitely xinyan main <3 i mean, the sole rock n roll musician of liyue ?? you Cannot !! tell me she wouldnt love xinyan. she would also have a super rad support barbara, as well as jean (reminds her of tomoe) and xingqiu (reminds her of moca). she doesnt have the room on her team, but she also really loves noelle because she reminds her of tsugumi, and amber because she reminds her of himari. she used them for a very long time because of that, she got clowned by some players who think the starter characters suck, but its ok cause ran knows theyre wrong and she does what she wants<3

ako udagawa - i struggled here bc i think she would absolutely Love a bunch of them but lets see- she would definitely Main and kin fischl for so many reasons (her style, the way she speaks, her general personality, and she wants a pet like oz). i think she’d also really love rosaria and hu tao (she Loves their aesthetics as well as how they are in battle, although hu tao is typically on the verge of death bc she always forgets to make food), as well as jean and sucrose (those two remind her of tomoe and rinko respectively and she’d probably switch them out depending on what she’s doing)

rinko shirokane - definitely sucrose main <3 she would also probably use fischl bc ako vibes !! plus i think she would be SUPER great at doing aimed shots and would do SO MUCH DAMAGE when hitting oz with an aimed shot- as well as mona bc i hc that she’s really interested in astrology and also hc that she loves mage characters in games (whether that is canon or not, i am not sure). also she would use bennett, both for extra healing as well as really loving him- she probably feels so bad for the poor unlucky boy awww :((

rio ranger - he switches between maining xiao and childe. he also uses diluc and rosaria !! he used kaeya for a very long time, but when rosaria came out he was like “I NEED HER”- pulling for rosaria was actually how he got childe, but he didnt mind because he actually really liked childe

reko yabusame - i really tried to give her someone other than xinyan but honestly i think she would love xinyan too much to not main her. she loves her style and her backstory so much, and she really wishes xinyan got more content. she also uses childe (bc alice vibes- no its not bc of the murderer stuff, i personally think they relate in other ways), sucrose (bc nao vibes), and beidou (bc she thinks beidou is hot as fuck, plus good elemental reactions and defense)

joe tazuna - i cant quite pick a single main but i think his team would be razor (dogboy joe go brr), bennett, venti, and maybe klee !! he loves the vibes of them all. he pulled jean and considered using her because she has sara vibes, but he decided to stick with venti mainly because he simply did not feel like grinding for her materials (i mean can you blame him? im currently struggling enough with that)

mutsuki tooru - first off the only reason he started playing was bc he saw saiko playing it and was intrigued. he would switch between maining xingqiu and venti !! it was love at first sight for him. he thought he would never get venti for a long long time, bc he missed venti’s first run. he used chongyun up until he pulled venti !! he also started saving his primos as soon as he heard speculation about venti having a rerun- and sure enough, he pulled him!! he felt like the happiest boy on earth<3 he would also have xiangling because he likes her vibes as well as her abilities, as well as albedo just bc he really likes him (he’s super invested in the homonculus + khaenri’ah theories and probably would make multiple tumblr posts about it)

ibuki mioda - xiny- *SMACKED* Actually i think she would have xinyan on her team, but her main? either klee or xiangling !! she loves their vibes n they lowkey remind her of herself. i also think she would really like diona for some reason, and probably beidou, idk why i just get the vibes !! she would have a Sick diona i just know it

chihiro fujisaki - i feel like he would switch between maining yanfei and sucrose !! yanfei just bc they like her, sucrose bc he relates to her a Lot <3 they would also use ningguang bc he admires her intelligence and determination, as well as chongyun- i almost gave him barbara, and i think they would love to use her, but he probably figured its not a good idea to have a full catalyst team despite how much they love catalysts, so he went with their next fave !! plus he knows claymores are super useful so it was a huge plus. he’s Super smart so they have so many tactics he uses, they’re Amazing with artifacts, and they Live for skillfully executed elemental combos

mikan tsumiki - she would have a full healer team, no doubt. barbara main !! duuuude she would have the SICKEST dps barbara omggg- she would do So much damage And be an Amazing healer !!! plus bennett, jean, and qiqi !!! she loves them all very much <3

[lesbianbending-moved]

so, i’ve only ever dated guys in my life until recently when i had my first irl girl crush, which is why i always said that im bi. i just assumed that the fact i liked guys in the past meant that i must still be bi, but female leaning. but ever since you brought up the idea of lesbians who dated guys in the past it has me rethinking things. its not so much that i dont think guys can look good, i just dont know if i want a relationship with one anymore. idk its confusing. any advice?

hi!! i’m so glad you reached out and i’m really sorry you’re going through this, i know it’s really confusing and aggravating but i promise you’ll get through it! and you will come out of it with a much better understanding of yourself!! i can’t tell you whether you are bi or a lesbian but i can just say be patient with yourself. it sucks but it’s something that just takes time and you can’t try to speedrun finding your sexuality. this was the hardest part for me bc i have always been someone who likes to know exactly what’s going on and have a plan for everything, so the fact that i didn’t know if i was bi or a lesbian was something i really struggled with for years. 

now, i just wanted to tell you a bit about my experience with heteronormativity for perspective. i knew i liked girls from when i was around 11 and it took me until i was ~16 to determine whether i liked guys too (i don’t if you couldn’t tell sakdfjh) but it was 5 years of being very confused. i don’t think i was ever really attracted to guys. i had ‘dated’ a boy in high school but my little crushes were always more of a ‘he is paying attention to me he likes me this is what i’ve been told is good so it must be good’ kind of thing. then it turned more into a ‘i don’t like any real life boys but i like boys in books and movies so maybe i just haven’t found the right guy yet’, then it turned into ‘i can’t imagine myself with a boy but i think they’re objectively attractive so maybe i still like boys??’ then i realized that i could never imagine spending my life with or falling in love with a man. it definitely wasn’t a straight line (hehe) to get there and it took a lot of time but all i can say is this: heteronormativity is so strong. it can seem silly but it truly messed with my head everyday for 5 years. 

but that was just my experience! i’m not trying to pin anything onto you or your experience, this is just for perspective and so you know this is super confusing and annoying for a lot of people, you will get through this. i would say 1) be patient 2) be kind to yourself 3) reach out to different people to ask about their experiences and 4) try out some labels! or none! see what feels best and fits for you! there is no formula into figuring out whether you’re bi or a lesbian or none of the above

if you (or anyone) wants to chat about this off anon, please feel free to message me! or you can keep sending anons if you have more q’s either way <333

EDIT: i personally know lesbians who have been married and have had kids w their husbands before realizing they’re a lesbian. it doesn’t make them any less of a lesbian!! and it doesn’t mean they never loved their husband!! it just means that everyone’s experience with their own sexuality and heteronormativity is different and takes time. so don’t feel bad if you feel like you need a bit more time to figure out if you’re bi or a lesbian, you’ll get there 💕❤️

[likeawildthing]

in full transparency, last night i asked for you all to share the things you’re missing and grieving. I thought I could hold a place on this blog for the collective grief we are all feeling, even for one ask session. but it became too much. everyone is properly upset and I apparently don’t have capacity right now to offer words of support to all. And I don’t necessarily think that I need to.  It’s okay that this sucks. There is a moment of collective grief we’re all feeling, we are all missing different things. It’s okay not to compare your loss to someone else’s. A loss felt by you is still a loss. We’re all coping, yeah? but i did read all of your responses, and I’m putting them under the cut if anyone wants to read. I hope you do give it a read because it does affirm that we aren’t alone. 

love you all <3 <3 <3

anonymous: My bf broke up with me cause he couldn’t handle the distance due to corona... now I grieve what we could’ve been. I miss him so much.

anonymous: grieving the loss of my senior year of college, my cancelled thesis, my graduation, my job, and my application to grad school which is postponed indefinitely while I work out the requirements. Would love suggestions on how to fill the void 

anonymous: i'm grieving the loss of my racing season. i didn't think it was as devastating as it would be but losing all the work that my team put in for years to get where we are today and losing the chance to prove ourselves at nationals.... has been just that... devastating. i can say though that this quarantine has brought the team close together and i am finding myself. thank god i have the ability to but i am looking at myself as a person instead of just a student, athlete, etc. and figuring out myself in the process. whether that means hobbies, what to do with my future, or just what fulfills me, i'm learning a lot of things about myself. also the weather was gorgeous out today and i was able to get a walk with my dad in after my workout. beautiful!!! also made banana bread and have a zoom call with my teammates for sunday breakfast tomorrow. (GOOD VIBES!!!) 

anonymous: Due to quarantine I can’t see my significant other for an indeterminate amount of time since we’re long distance and I’m an at-risk person. We’re trying to fill the distance with FaceTime calls but it’s still really hard, mostly because we’re just stuck and don’t know for how long :(

anonymous: I used to volunteer at an op shop every sunday with two of my favourite people. The customers sucked, but we played disney and had a blast and would sometimes do dinner or games after it. I miss it so much. To make up for it, we send regular pictures of our pets, do video calls on sundays and play an online pictionary type game to laugh at each other's terrible drawing skills :') 

anonymous: In Germany we are allowed to see one other person at a time. I miss meeting more than one friend. As an autistic girl, communication can be hard and it's easier when you are with three people, cause you can just let them talk and no one focuses on you the entire time. You can just listen and not talk for a bit. 

anonymous: I'm a costume designer and after a few years of assisting I finally finally got hired as the lead designer for Matilda. Which of course then got cancelled, and may be pulled from the season completly if we can't reopen by June. So I have all of these fabric samples and sketches that hurt my heart to look at but that I can't bear or risk throwing out.

@empiresprincess  I’m grieving making music, running a musical, being with young weird enthusiastic youths, and my health. Also seeing my mom or a few my more beloved friends. I’m snuggling my dog, watching my fav youtuber, rewatching comforting media, trying to take care of myself and to let others know when I really need help. Oh and Im working on not judging myself too harshly.

anonymous:  i was just finishing my second quarter at ucla when everything got shut down, and like.. it kinda sucks. i busted ass to get accepted to my dream school, pulled all nighter after all nighter at community college and finally transferred to ucla. i was JUST starting to feel like i had a place there. winter quarter was when i made some really good professor friends, started to get into the swing of things, adn that was when i realized i genuinely WANTED to go to grad school in the uk and get a phd  and one day teach. then overnight im back home struggling w online classes and it just feels like im back to square one? they haven't cut our tuition costs either, and i feel like im paying so much for a whole experience, which now is just zoom university. ;~; i know its not the end of the world, but its sad and i miss my roommates. still, i guess it could be worse. i feel bad for the seniors who are ending their ucla journey with this. also my boyfriend and i have been doing long distance for  nearly a year, and our one-year anniversary is coming up in a few days. i really thought we'd at least be able to spend that together, but he's an international student and he had to go back to india bc of covid. ;~; i miss him a lot and im terrified that the increased distance/time difference will cause us to just fizzle out. its not like we don't love each other a lot, but such limited contact (he can't ft bc his dad doesn't know about us, and so we only call like 3 times a week for 10 mins) makes it hard.. i haven't seen him in almost three months now, and it's just sad, even though i know its not either of us's fault. anywho!! this got really long; sorry about that!! in the grand scheme of things this isn't that bad though, so i'm trying to grieve the losses (and the loss of being back home, oof!) while still keeping an eye out for some of the good things to come. take care linds i hope you're safe and doing better

anonymous:  On one level I am literally grieving the loss of a family member to the virus, but on another I am grieving the loss of my usual life (I had to move back in with my parents temporarily after being on my own for 4 years) and my student (our governor just announced that schools are closed for the rest of the year and I feel like I never ever got to say good bye). I've been filling the void by writing fanfic, but even that has been hard as I have no privacy anymore. I keep getting interrupted.

[actuallyadhd]

wow this is so long im so sorry

okay so it took me a while to get diagnosed with adhd bc i’ve always been a “high achieving / gifted kid” except when i went to middle school everything fell apart and didn’t get back on track till i got meds. i’ve increased the dose slightly over the years, but high school i was able to manage and succeed as long as i put in effort

i am now a freshman in college and even tho i’ve upped my dose, and put in way more effort than any of my friends, everything is a DISASTER. i keep prioritizing homework and studying over everything (from meals to sleep to showering to laundry to hanging out with friends to doing anything i remotely enjoy) yet i can still never get everything done?? and im so stressed about needing to get everything done that i can’t make myself do any of these “healthy” things?? like sure eating regular meals would probably help to some extent but it takes so long like walking to a dining hall??what?? that’s so stressful!! too stressful!! the idea of doing anything besides homework makes me so stressed i freeze under the pressure and just jklafdafklda; die? 

like is this a thing? college just making everything go to shit? it’s like middle school all over again but i already have meds so what can be done?? if medication isn’t enough like what are the options lol …. like feels like my only option is just to cry 

i’ve never had any accommodations before bc i’ve never needed them and have always been opposed to the idea of having any for myself bc my entire life is just me striving to prove i am not an idiot? idk. welp. yeah

Sent February 26, 2019

Okay, deep breath.

Yes, this is a thing. Post-secondary is really hard because there is so much less external structure imposed on us. You do 12 or 13 years of school where everything you do is laid out for you, and then suddenly you’re not told what to do, or when, or how, beyond when and where your classes are.

So what we need to do is create that structure. And yes, we’re going to include socializing and fun stuff, because life sucks without those. We’re also going to include eating food.

Creating a Weekly Schedule

Here’s a page that talks about creating a weekly schedule. It includes links for a PDF and a Word version of a schedule sheet. Choose one of those templates and print it off, or copy it by hand onto a piece of paper, because figuring out your schedule is best done using a pencil and paper. That page is about doing each week, one at a time, but we’re going to do a basic overview kind of schedule.

Start by putting in your classes and anything else that’s regular, like if you go to church or always work Saturday afternoons. Use pen for these, since then you can write other stuff in pencil and be able to make changes without worrying about having to rewrite the permanent stuff. Oh, and include time for walking between classrooms where necessary.

Next, put in meal times in pencil. Allow at least an hour for each meal. One thing I did in first year university was, I would go to the dining centre for breakfast and pick up a sandwich and a couple of other things to go, for lunch, and carry them in my bag to eat later. (I lived in residence for first year.) Depending on whether or not there’s a break in the middle of your day when you could go and get lunch, you might find this a good solution for you too, since then you can eat wherever you happen to be at lunch time.

Next up is socialization and other fun activities. Give yourself at least an hour every day for leisure reading, watching TV, or just hanging out playing board games or whatever, and block off Friday and maybe Saturday evenings both for nights out: parties, movies, etc. If you’re really ambitious, mark off some times to go to the gym/work out, too.

Now use a pen to mark off your bed time and wake time, and include at least half an hour to get ready (so half an hour to get ready for bed and half an hour to get ready for the day). Except for Friday and Saturday, aim for bed time and wake time to be the same, even if you don’t have early classes every day. Getting up at the same time every day is really helpful. Also, make sure that you have at least 7 hours in bed scheduled for every night.

Finally, you schedule your studying time. Block out any available time period that is at least one hour long, to be for studying and homework. Don’t worry about what you’re going to do during that time, because you’ll figure that out each week/day.

Now you have your weekly schedule. You can enter it into your phone calendar so that you have it with you at all times, and have your phone give you reminders of each upcoming thing. That will help you feel more secure about what’s going on.

Moving on, let’s talk about actually doing the work.

Organizing Studying and Assignments

I’ve talked about how to do this elsewhere, but I’m going to talk about it again here because it can’t be repeated enough.

You are going to need a planner of some kind. It can be a bullet journal or a printed planner or just your phone calendar, whatever works best for you. I have a planner that I put together using printables I found online, and I use that together with my phone.

You probably got a course outline for each of your courses. Pull those out and read each one over carefully. Note in your planner due dates for assignments and any testing dates that are listed.

Break assignments down into their component parts (e.g., for a paper you might have choose topic, research, outline, write, edit, turn in) and give yourself interim due dates for those. Write those due dates in your planner as well.

If your course outline indicates what material will be covered in each class (e.g., text book chapters, short stories or novels, case studies), pull out the material and divide it evenly over the days between classes, so that you can read it before you attend the related class(es). Put that information into your planner as well.

Studying and Homework

Look at your schedule and your studying blocks. For those hour-long blocks, choose just one course that you’ll work on. If the block is in the middle of the day, it’s probably best to choose something that you’ll have your materials on hand for already, such as an earlier class.

Plan to structure your sessions as follows:

Read and take notes on the material you scheduled for the day.

Complete that day’s assignment-related work.

Review your lecture notes from your last class, comparing them with your notes on the related reading material.

When you take notes on your reading material, just write down the main idea of a paragraph. You might also want to have a list of important people and dates along with why they are important, and a glossary of terms where you write your own definitions for new terms.

As for accommodations, there is absolutely nothing wrong with talking to your school’s disability services office about what they can do to help you out. It’s important to remember that ADHD really does impact your ability to do certain things in the same way as non-ADHDers, and all accommodations do is make it so that you have the same opportunities as they do to complete specific tasks. Using accommodations doesn’t mean that you are less smart than someone who doesn’t need them, it simply means that you need help with a particular type of task that comes more easily to them. (Not that there’s anything wrong with being “less smart” than someone else, but I understand the difficulty of being gifted and feeling like struggling in non-academic areas makes you not-smart. It’s hard when you aren’t doing as well as you could at something academic because of a seemingly unrelated skill!)

I hope this helps!

-J

[dcmiiniic]

hi, it me, mini from the block --- bringing you another muse, and he is my lil bb. also @maddisvn’s brother bc i love lia. so uh, read the intro (srry if its a bit long), like this and I WILL mssge you for plots and threads. the messier the better, bc im a messy biiih. ily.

❛ new york’s very own Dominic Parker was spotted on broadway street in  Off-White White 3.0 Off-Court Sneakers. your resemblance to Reece King is unreal. according to tmz, you just had your twenty third birthday bash. while living in new york, you’ve been labeled as being impatient, but also idealistic. i guess being a sagittarius explains that. three things that would paint a better picture of you would be reading a book by the beach, torn up runners, and neon highlighters & ( cismale & he/him )

Basic Information

Full Name: Dominic Omar Parker

Nickname(s): d, dom

Age: 23

Date of Birth: December 20th 1995

Zodiac sign: sagittarius

Hogwarts house: ravenclaw

Ethnicity: african-american/white

Nationality: american

Gender: cis male

Pronouns: he/him

Orientation: bisexual

Religion: agnostic

Language(s) Spoken: english 

Accent: american

Favourites

Weather: summer

Colour: green

Music: logic, big sean, etc.

Movies: the lion king

Sport: track + field, basketball

Beverage: hennessy or red label

Food: doubles! and plantains with cheese.

Animal: sea lions + turtles

Family

Father: henderson parker

Mother: cassandra parker

Sibling(s): maddison parker + older bro (WC)

Children:  aaliyah strawberry parker, 1 yr. (stormi webster fc)

Pet(s): a turtle named franklin

BIOGRAPHY

dominic grew up in san francisco, california. his favorite thing growing up was hanging out at pier 39 and just watching the sea lions chill all day on top of the boards. regardless of the smell. he loved the fact that it didn’t rain or snow, the weather was just ideal. it allowed him to thrive when things were constant with minor changes.

dominic feels most at home by the ocean. he finds it peaceful since it’s calm and quiet besides the sounds of the water crashing together.

@ 15, dominic and the rest of the parkers moved over to NYC cos their dad got a job there and tb he hated it. 

he had to be the new kid, at a new school, in a new city but, dominic is the type of person to blend in so making a whole new life barely came with challenges. he was able to work a room, and he was smart to figure things out easily. 

he made a lot of friends, went to the randomest of parties, all while maintaining a high average in school and keeping A1 appearances.

FAMILY

since the parkers were well off, dominic didn’t have to work for anything when it came to getting things he wanted - but what he did have to work for was getting his father’s approval on almost every part of his life.

being one of the only two boys, there was a lot riding on them to do things. going to school, getting the best grades, making sure you’re always presentable - and bc dominic just wanted to please his dad, he did everything he could. he studied a lot, he did a lot of volunteer work and thankfully for him he liked to study, so studying a lot wasn’t a problem.

dominic rlly struggled being the middle child, but don’t get him wrong, he loves his siblings. believe it or not, he still loves his dad, and he’s a big time momma’s boy. 

even while his dad talks a lot of smack about him, dominic still attends family events, dinners and the works, to please his dad and so it wouldn’t be stressful on his mom. 

CAREER 

dominic is a nerd, a smartass. his grades were always high, especially when it came to liberal arts.

it wasn’t really his choice if he went into university, it was expected. dominic didn’t think much of it besides that he had to do it. 

he went to columbia university for law, and he got his degree in that, and he was doing his graduate legal studies until he got scouted by the New York Knicks.

he grew up with a lot of stress riding on his back, and being the middle child really sucked when you had to have as much of responsibility as the oldest, still be looked at as the younger sibling but at the same time having to take care of the youngest. 

what he did on his past time was run. whether it was around the block, or around the track, dominic found it peaceful just to be by himself where his heart rate went up to the point he couldn’t breathe and he’d fall onto the ground. years of doing so earned him a spot on the track + field team, and because he was good at it, his dad put him in on basketball teams since he was fast enough to make home runs - multiple times.

Basketball was never his first choice at anything, if he could, dominic would do track and field but as far as his dad was concerned, basketball was the better path between the two. so that’s what he did to please his dad. 

dropping out of columbia though, that was dominic’s choice. he figured, he already got his degree, his masters could be put on hold while he played basketball. 

it seemed like a good idea to him, but since then he has a pretty rocky relationship with his dad.

he was never meant to be the black sheep of the family. he was supposed to have this picture perfect image, probably be the next Barack Obama - but that didn’t work out. 

Being an athlete wasn’t the same as being an academic. it took a lot of work physically, and at the end of the games he was left with such a rush. it was a completely different kind of satisfaction.

PERSONAL LIFE

for once dominic didn’t have to worry about hitting the books or the next test. his main focus was basketball and keeping an image that was easier to maintain. this came with a lot of partying and a lot of - accidents.

one night, when he was too drunk to function, he woke up the next day in a random girl’s bed. not that that was anything special but it definitely was when he got a call saying she was pregnant. so 9 months later, aaliyah strawberry parker came into this world. she is currently 1 year and a few months, and that little babe added a light into dominic’s life. 

he was never prepared to be a dad DILF, but he’s a damn good one! he keeps his life separate when he’s with his daughter.

he’s not with his baby momma, but they have a solid relationship, sometimes rocky, sometimes not but y’know. it happens. 

so far, dominic hasn’t introduce aaliyah to any of his family members except maddison. it’s not a secret, it’s just something he doesn’t want to do considering the rocky relationship he has with his dad. 

currently, besides being a baskeball player and a dad, dominic is just figuring things out as he goes. he loves to read, and paint, and sometimes when he’s bored he’ll take a class on something just to feel mentally stimulated. 

he’s always curious, and loves to travel to wherever he can. 

he’s a mfng fuckboy. just bcos he had a kid, doesn’t mean it’s gonna stop him from messing around. he’s just extra careful with it. 

even tho he’s not talking with his dad, and he’s doing his own thing, he rlly still hopes in a way he’s making his dad proud. 

he gets emo sometimes bc he didn’t turn out the way his parents wanted him to, and cos he doesn’t have the best relationship with them - but that’s why, at the very least he has close friends and siblings. 

he lives by himself in a fairly decent apartment with his turtle that he named franklin, bc he can’t own a sea lion. 

PERSONALITY

dominic is always fun. he was the one in the group of friends that made the jokes, and made everyone feel comfortable. he was always out there hugging his friends and chilling, laying around.

this was the guy that brought a textbook to a party bc he wanted to get lit but also had a test the next day to study for.

he’s been given so many expectations his whole life, he really doesn’t like it now. he just wants to be free and do his own thing.

he cares a lot about people, sometimes he’s too nice and doesn’t see the way it’ll back fire on him.

he’s smart in a lot of other ways. take him to a museum and it’s like returning an alien to the mothership. 

he believes in positive thinking, his mind is always open, and is never one to judge - or he tries not to judge bc he grew up judging other people that he doesn’t want to do that anymore.

he loves to be outdoors and walking around barefoot on the grass. 

a lot of things come easy to him. he’s sociable and charming, and loves adventure.

WANTED CONNECTIONS 

some connections based off of muse posts :)

one

two

three

four

five

six

seven

eight

nine

ten

besides that, i’m down for anything !

unrequited connections

toxic relationship/friendship

brotps

give me a SQUAD

first loves

childhood friendships

sibling type friendships

exes on good and bad terms

all the fwb~ 

creative type friends

enemies plots pls

crossword puzzle friends pls

[liquidstar]

Hey sorry if this is weird to ask, but you're the only greek person I know that actually is directly from there, but do you think hellenism (sort of modern day worship and/or belief in greek gods and the tales that entail) is disrespectful or is it fine as long as its respectful? Thank you if you read this, sorry if I'm bothering you I've just been thinking about it for a while and dont know who to ask

i highly doubt anyone would have a problem with it in modern greece, in a way its almost a totally different country since it got a western european christain make-over, so if anything they may just find it a little odd at most, though there are still some small villages that warship the ancient gods.

the thing we really dont like is when the mythology is totally bastardized and taken out of its original context, as in made completely straight and misogynistic to fit in with those western christain ideals for a completely different religion. whether youre telling it as a story or if you actually believe it doesnt matter as long as you dont erase parts of the actual myth like that. we just dont like it becoming something misogynistic, homophobic, and sometimes transphobic. 

its not really the cultural thing, it’s just the fact that the stories get turned into become something they werent. like… when steven universe gets censored in the uk for being gay or something. its the same general idea, people are upset because the myths were essentially censored or erased because the westerners liked the aesthetic of the mythos but still wanted it to fit into their christian ideology. it really sucks how much western europe effected ancient greece because like, goddamn, bisexuality was the norm back then and now theres an orthodox church that hates gay people every half a mile (not exaggerating at all btw its crazy how many churches there are). 

but mythology is so much fun tho like its literally a story and its so upsetting to me that the version of that story that gets remembered is the version that completely erased so much of what made it what it was just to fit into more traditionally accepted standards back then, even small stuff like villanizing hades so he felt more like the christian devil. i love re-tellings and re-imaginings of mythos though, like as long as they keep the core stuff in touch its SO good. because like, thats what it was all about!!! 90% of myths were made by building on to existing ones so it keeps the spirit alive. its something everyone should be able to take part in if they like it, again whether its warship or just bc they like stories doesnt matter. 

just dont erase the gay stuff or the struggles of women in the myths and other stuff like that basically. there are a lot of different myths so getting into specifics is.. hard. the “fanon” version of mythical figures is almost never accurate, but im sure if you actually warship it youd know to look into it a bit deeper than tumblr aesthetic blogs with aphrodite moodboards and disneys hercules (but those types of things are fun in their own right too)

[ttaohuan]

good morning (it’s probably gonna be like 1am by the time i finish writing this) tbh i’m known around uni & to my friends as being late for everything so why did i expect this to be any different???

hi, i’m alex!! i’m 20, i suck at intros but i’ll give this a good go! i’m going into my third year of creative writing in september so everything we do here is actually great practice; thx for letting me & my son interact with y’all <3 

( CAI XUKUN / CISMALE / HE/HIM ). [ TAO HUAN ] is a [ TWENTY-THREE ] year old [ UNDERGRAD ] student studying [ VOCAL PERFORMANCE ]. they are known for being [ HARDWORKING & CONFIDENT ], but also being [ UNTRUSTWORTHY & TEMPERAMENTAL ]. if there was a song that described their life, it would be [ GIVE YOURSELF A TRY BY THE 1975 ]. ( ooc: ALEX / 20 / BST / HE/HIM )

first things first!

he’s a newish idol (singer) muse that i made to replace another boy i had no muse for, so i’m still kind of figuring him out tbh, bear with me

early life!

born in chengdu, china, but his mother moved them to new orleans when he was three

we can skip past the typical cute good upbringing; he was a happy kid, never really knew his mom was struggling @ Life until he was older

also probably a theatre kid when he was at school; always that annoying asshole that always got the lead in school musicals & hardcore gifted & talented

career!

he’s a member of 7-member boy group cherry (3 years) and 10-member co-ed group trap (1 year)

unlike most of his members, he wasn’t scouted on the street. actually, huan waited and auditioned for two different companies while they were doing int. auditions when he was 13 and 15, but despite getting through both times his mother never let him go to korea to pursue it 

it took him another year of begging for her to let him do it tbh so she pulled her savings and put him on a plane and uhhh as they say the rest is history!

jk, he got through, everything is good, he debuted at 20 after 4 years of intense training��

his boy group has super cute concepts though and as much fun as he’s having, it really isn’t huan’s style. he’s out there on stage wearing cute ass pastel outfits and blowing kisses into crowds but he’d rather harmonise about sucking dick on 3 different tracks

tbh that’s why trap kind of exists? everyone in trap is a member of other groups or a soloist usually known for being cute, but their concepts are hella dark & mature

both groups are currently on an extended hiatus because of individual projects; acting, comebacks, etc

beaumont!

originally, huan was supposed to take online classes in a different subject but bc he’s so free atm, he’s decided he’s good to physically attend school for a while. his management might pull some strings and get it switched to an online degree if anything in his life changes, but for now... he’s here! uwu

he studies vocal performance because he lowkey misses the intense vocal training from when he was a trainee & also bc it ensures he practices while being away from his groups

also kinda why he dances & he’s a part of the music society too. music is basically his entire life, he doesn’t know a world outside of it

hmmm... actually fills up on a lot of extracurriculars bc he’s very VERY LOWKEY scared ab the future of his career even tho he’s...doing very well

BUT IM HERE ACTING LIKE HE’S AN ANGEL LOL!

bottom line is no one at school has fuckin heard of cherry or trap or even know his name and face so he’s pretty much free to do whatever he wants. he’s all nicey nicey with his fans & friends but he can be pretty cold & reliant on his money & his looks to have a good time/make new friends

like, he doesn’t really take anything and anyone seriously. he knows he’s gonna be out of here in a few years time (tbh maybe even less bc conflicting schedules) so he’s not worried about repercussions

hence being the president of kappa theta, and he’s fucking good at it

the only time he’ll be soft is on new brothers or those going through hazing, but it’s on the down low because he’s generally pretty unapproachable since he keeps to himself and he thinks it’ll ruin kappa theta’s overall image if he allows himself to be 100% soft w everyone

but he throws the best fuckin parties! no one’s been to a shit tao huan party, gn

connections!

SOMEONE HE’S SOFT WITH even tho i said he’s not soft bc im... gay and i want fluff

i 100% believe he’s fucked someone & then fucked them over, either bc schedules in the past, or recently at school bc he don’t...give a shit ab anything

maybe some of his group members oops????

roommate? they hate how huan always leaves his clothes & towels & instruments literally everywhere. one time they found his aftershave & toothbrush & one (1) shoe in their bag. how? nobody knows. certainly not huan

actually going back to that kind-of-ex plot; he’s been all over the world but w focuses on america, china, japan & korea so if u want an angsty ex-bf or ex-friend plot hit me up bc huan is perfect for those

probably has one set group of people (apart from his bros!) that he goes to for parties n shit. probably ditches every time they’re out & they find him again at the end of the night. he’s like a fuckin dust bunny he’s cruisin everywhere & u lose him sometimes but not to worry...he still there

u already know to hit me up if there’s anything angsty..yum

he’s a good older bro tbh even tho he’s an only child so uhhh some ppl he always kinda looks out for even tho he doesn’t know why?

SOMEONE HE DOESN’T REALLY LIKE BUT LOOKS OUT FOR ANYWAY????? WHATS HE SO PROTECTIVE FOR???

someone who actually does know him as a musician.. whether they like him or not. a fan? cool. someone who’s not rlly a fan? cool again

honestly i haven’t been in a decent group rp for a hot minute & i already see some ppl i know from past rps in here so i know we’re gonna have a good time; just hit me up with whatever u want & we’ll work on it! uwu

[lichlover]

shit shit ok prompts. like. id say feeblemind lup bc!!!! im very excited for it!!! but if you want fluffy ones either. lupcretia with the whole "elves are cats" thing or the ipre with cool socks? (the latter being bc. im wearing socks with bees on them and was like "oh shit this is adeline's lup!!!" so. lup with cool socks is now an Image in my Brain)

happy birthday, love!!! this is on ao3, by the way.

Intuition, Lucretia thinks, is like a dangling participle.

It’s when the sentence is perfectly capitalized and punctuated but doesn’t read as fluidly as it should. It’s when everything looks right, but something is wrong—wrenchingly, glaringly wrong, even though there’s not a word you can think of to describe it. It’s the kind of thing that drives English majors and novelists to the brink of madness. She should know. (She’s been both.)

The last time she’d told someone as such, they’d been incredulous. “That’s a metaphor practically asking to be broken,” they’d said. “Besides, sometimes you just know shit is bad, and it looks bad, and it’s just all bad. The world isn’t always trying to catch you off guard, okay? I’d say that’s a pretty paranoid way of looking at things.”

“It’s a simile,” was all Lucretia had said.

They’d waved her off, laughing.

Lucretia doesn’t feel much like laughing now.

The journey back is, for lack of any better phrasing, absolute hell. Barry offers to take them through the rift—it’ll be faster, he says; easier, and he wants to get them to a safe place as soon as possible—but the instant reality rips itself apart in front of them, Lup digs her nails into Taako’s arm and screams. It’s shrill and deafening and utterly terrified. It’s the worst thing Lucretia’s ever heard.

So they take the Starblaster. Lup refuses to let go of Taako’s arm. Her eyes dart from person to person, evaluating each of them with a sharp, unforgiving stare. When Kravitz goes to sit next to Taako, her ears pull flat against her head and she bares her fangs at him, growling low and deep in her throat. He backs off in a hurry, and Taako swallows hard and tells her that he’s fine, Lulu, for gods’ sake, you know him. She doesn’t seem to care.

Everyone gives them a wide berth after that.

Barry calls them up to the bridge after a heavy ten minutes of silence, and they oblige him because there can’t possibly be anything worse than silence. Davenport is there, of course—he’s perfectly capable of setting the ship to autopilot, as Lucretia and the others well know, but he’s looked a little haunted ever since they departed and they’d all known no amount of convincing would get him to leave the helm. Lucretia sees the hollowness in his eyes and has to choke back something welling up in her throat; whether it’s an apology or a full-on breakdown, she can’t tell. She won’t make him relive something she herself has tried very hard to forget.

“Feeblemind,” says Merle, as soon as the door hisses shut behind them.

None of them had wanted to say it.

Lucretia’s familiar, of course. She’s familiar with too many spells; knows them just well enough to recognize their effects without knowing much else. She’d watched the clever glint drain from Lup’s eyes and figured straightaway, and she’s sure the others had done the same. Perhaps that’s why no one had said anything. Because they’d all known, and knowing was so much worse than saying it aloud.

Feeblemind. The body is left intact (right) but the mind is shattered (wrong, wrong, wrong).

“You can cure it,” Barry says. “You can end it, with—with Greater Restoration, right?”

Merle looks tired. They’re all tired, but he wears it plainly on his face, and always has. “I can do it, but it calls for diamond dust, and this shit gets specific. Gems’ve gotta be at least a hundred GP, and for a full guarantee that this is gonna work, they’ve gotta be cultivated. Specially grown, y’know? This is a delicate spell, and if anything goes wrong, if this gets fucked up—”

“You’re not gonna fuck it up,” says Magnus, and he sounds angry. They’re all angry, Lucretia thinks. Angry and tired—and it almost feels like the old days again. “This is too important.”

“Obviously. So it’s… it’s gonna be a coupla days.”

Barry releases a small, choked noise into his hand. Davenport doesn’t look back from the helm, but he says, “Then we’ll all make her as c-comfortable as we can in the time we have. This isn’t rocket science, people. It—it’ll be over soon.”

There is really nothing worse than silence, but that’s what hangs over their heads for a few agonizing seconds before Angus speaks. He’s sitting at a console, looking thoroughly shaken and, like so many of the adults are, trying his best to hold it together. Lucretia, who’s been holding her expression steadfast since liftoff, can relate.

“This is my fault,” he says, almost quietly enough to be inaudible. “I’m sorry.”

The bridge erupts.

“It’s not your fault, Ango—”

“—nobody thinks that—”

“It’s on me,” says Barry, dropping his hand from his face. “I should’ve had my eye on her.”

Kravitz shakes his head. “Necromancers are tricky bastards. I know that, I should’ve taken extra precautions. Besides, I’ve actually hunted them down before, so if anyone’s to blame—”

“You’re all being selfish,” Lucretia says.

They all look at her but she doesn’t back down, because she’s spent a century with them and their judgment and at this point, she couldn’t possibly care less. “You’re being selfish,” she repeats, and she can hear her voice shaking. “Acting like all of this is your cross to bear. It’s no one’s fault, alright? Something shitty happened, we’re dealing with the consequences like adults. This isn’t the time to be arguing over who gets to be the martyr.”

Nothing but silence can follow an outburst like that, and silence is the last thing Lucretia needs. So she turns on her heel and leaves. She doesn’t stalk or stride or hold her head high because she knows she’s right—in fact, she doesn’t know it in the least.

She doesn’t really know anything anymore.

The first day is a different kind of hell, one built out of frozen dinners and overcrowded guest bedrooms and Barry and Kravitz’s shouting match over who goes with Merle; or, more importantly, who stays.

Lucretia doesn’t catch all of it, but it’s impossible not to hear.

“—so what happens if I leave and she gets worse?”

“You’re talking like we’re not all capable people, you have to know that—”

“I’m her husband, gods dammit!”

It only quiets down after Taako stands up, storms to the other end of the house, and gives them both an earful because you fucking idiots, you’re scaring her, figure out what the hell you’re doing or shut the fuck up. Not fifteen minutes later, they both emerge into the living room and announce stiffly that Kravitz is going with Merle, and Barry is staying behind, and thank you all for being so patient, but they’re just a little shaken up and they only want the best for Lup. All of them do.

Lucretia sits in an armchair too big for her in a space more domestic than she’s used to. This is the third time she’s been to Barry and Lup’s house, and the first time she’s been there with company. It’s a shockingly innocuous property. The garden out front is well-kept and blooming with all sorts of unusual flora, and every room is enormous and airy and spilling over with natural light. (Every room, of course, save for the necromancy lab, which Barry has informed her she’s not allowed to see for plausible deniability.)

He’d shown her the floorplan back when the house was a couple of blueprints and a far-fetched ambition in the aftermath of Story and Song. “Gotta have lotsa light, lotsa space,” he’d told her. “Means the world to her. Uh, especially now.”

It’s beautiful—the sort of house Lucretia had imagined having all to herself a century ago, back when her endgame had been a novel published under her name. She looks at its lofty ceilings now and thinks it would be far too lonely for her taste.

Somehow Lup’s presence makes it even lonelier. She’s taken up residence on the couch, curled into a shallow corner, pupils thin and ears at attention as she surveys the room around her. Everything that moves or raises its voice above a whisper incurs her suspicion, and when Magnus accidentally ventures too close, her lips curl back in a snarl. Lucretia notes how as soon as he steps back, she looks to Taako with concern written starkly across her face. It makes sense, to an extent. Protection has to be one of the oldest instincts in existence. The fact that it survives, even when the rest of her personality is ripped apart, is harshly appropriate.

The rest of her is vacant. Where life and warmth once brimmed in Lup, there’s just—nothing. Lucretia catches herself staring once or twice, sucked into the hollows of Lup’s eyes, and has to tear herself away. It’s wrong. It’s worse than wrong—it’s like someone’s violated a law of the universe and gloated about it.

It doesn’t matter that pieces of the necromancer are rotting in that field.

Lup is gone, and they’re struggling to get her back.

On the second day, Barry collapses.

They all count themselves lucky that Lup doesn’t see it. Magnus carries him to one of the downstairs bedrooms and says he’s going to go and get some fuel for everyone, which Lucretia hopes means coffee, because they’d all drained the supply on the first day. He leaves, and Barry is across the house, and Angus is with Carey and Killian, which they’d all decided on without having to put it to a vote. They don’t know where Davenport is and they figure for now, he wants to keep it that way.

So that leaves Lucretia with Taako and Lup, except Lup isn’t herself, which leaves Lucretia with Taako.

She’s been trying not to think about it.

It only takes a couple agonizing minutes for one of them to break the quiet. “You should check on Barold,” Taako says, and he says it a little more aggressively than he needs to, but it’s also the most he’s spoken to Lucretia in a year and so she’ll take it without complaining.

“He’s fine,” she says. “He hasn’t slept in two days. I don’t want to wake him up.”

Taako rolls his eyes, but he doesn’t dispute her. He has his fingers threaded through Lup’s, and Lucretia watches as his knuckles whiten ever so slightly.

“Why are you here?”

“She’s my friend.”

He scoffs. “That all? What about your—your arrangement, or whatever?”

“The arrangement,” says Lucretia, coldly, “is none of your business. And I’m really not in the mood to be judged for my adult decisions.”

It’s one of the only things that had survived from the Century—an understanding, an open relationship. An arrangement. They’d talked about it after Legato, after Lucretia was so sure everything was about to take a turn for the worse, and agreed because it was too easy to be worth breaking any hearts over.

She’d wondered if Taako was privy to it, and now she knows.

He’s silent for a moment longer, and then he says, “She doesn’t deserve you.” It’s not meant to sting or catch her off guard, Lucretia knows—for Taako, it’s simple and solid as any other fact.

And she’s not going to dispute him.

“Lup deserves to be happy.”

“Now there’s something we can both fuckin’ agree on.” He sighs and tips his head to rest it against Lup’s, and she nuzzles into his loose curtain of hair, closing her eyes in an unexpected display of peace. Lucretia is sure she sees Taako’s eyes shimmer, but then he blinks and clears his throat and the moment is gone.

She doesn’t get to see him very often, which he would say is entirely on purpose. They’d sealed a single, likeminded pact between them to get along for the sake of Angus’s birthday, but Angus’s birthday is over now—it’s been over for what seems like fifty years. And here they are, getting along by virtue of necessity. It feels right.

Lup’s stomach rumbles, and Taako sits up and curses under his breath. “She hasn’t eaten since… shit,” he mumbles, and Lucretia knows he’s talking to himself, but the fact that he’s willing to do so with her sitting right there is something, at least. “I’ll get a meal going, see if I can get her to eat… uh, Lu, c’mon, we’re goin’ to the kitchen.”

He stands, but Lup doesn’t follow. She remains stubbornly seated, looking up at Taako with those horrible, blank eyes, and looks a little like he’s personally offended her.

“Lup,” he says. “C’mon.”

This time he tugs a little insistently on her hand, and her ears pull back again as she releases a low whine from the back of her throat. Taako drops his grasp, sucks in a shaky breath, and pinches the bridge of his nose. He’s a pressure cooker of exasperation, Lucretia thinks, to use a metaphor he would approve of. He also has thick, dark circles under his eyes and a familiar twitch to his mouth that she knows is the harbinger of a full-on breakdown.

“Fuck—Lup, please—”

“Go make the food,” says Lucretia. Lup’s ears twitch towards her, and she looks over without any of the feral hostility they’ve all gotten used to. “I’ll watch her.”

Taako stares her down. She knows he wants the next words out of his mouth to be why should I let you, but she also knows he’s too exhausted to push back. Instead, he holds out a finger like it’s an arcane focus and says, “If you—if you pull any shit—”

“I won’t—”

“—I swear to gods I’ll make you wish we never saved your ass.” He drops the finger and turns back to Lup. “I’ll be back in a bit, okay?”

There’s no response, of course. Taako sighs and heads to the kitchen, although not without a pointed glance over his shoulder. Lucretia doesn’t bother returning it in kind.

That leaves her with Lup, except Lup isn’t herself, so—

A faucet turns on down the hall, followed by the sound of a cabinet slamming heatedly shut. Taako cooks when he’s stressed. He has the manic energy Lucretia’s never been able to muster, the impulse to do something and then the compulsion to actually do it. They share inattention and nothing else. She has a book in her lap, a small fiction she’s been struggling to get through between running the Bureau of Benevolence and the persistent desire to sleep the rest of her life away, and for the last several minutes she’s been thumbing over the pages and wearing her skin raw. It focuses her. (Granted, for what, she’s not entirely sure.)

A hand lays over hers, and Lucretia almost jumps out of her skin. Lup’s eyes catch hers, still dim, still hollowed out like two black holes where stars used to reside. It’s too easy to slip into celestial metaphors to describe her.

She doesn’t say anything—mutism is one of the symptoms, as they’ve started to refer to them, like this is a stubborn virus or some other affliction. But she folds her fingers gently through Lucretia’s and pulls, tipping her head towards the couch, and the empty space where Taako had taken up residence next to her.

“Oh,” says Lucretia, because she can’t think to say anything else. “Oh, you want me to…?”

Lup doesn’t understand her—another symptom—but she continues to press her stare. What else can Lucretia do but oblige? She slides the book carefully off her lap and joins Lup on the couch, folding her legs underneath her. As soon as she gets situated, like Lup can sense it, she nudges gently at Lucretia’s shoulder and leans in.

(And they’re back on the Starblaster, and Lup’s fingers snag gently in Lucretia’s curls as they sit against each other under the dim glow of the stars. Any moment now she’ll ask a question in her low, resonant voice, and Lucretia will crack a self-indulgent smile and respond, and say something that would embarrass her for cycles to come if not for the fact that they keep no secrets from each other.)

Instead Lucretia freezes. Lup doesn’t seem to notice. She doesn’t close her eyes, but her ears stoop to a gentle incline and her breathing evens from its short, choppy exhales. It reminds Lucretia of honey-gold mornings and sun-warmed skin between tangled sheets, and it’s wrong; she knows this, even though something about it feels numbingly right. She shouldn’t be wanting Lup’s hand curled lightly in her lap, or her weight against Lucretia’s chest.

She shouldn’t be wanting it and yet she wants so much. She wants Lup back and right now, this is the closest she’s going to get.

The clamor from the kitchen fades into white noise. Lup rests in the curve of her shoulder, and for once Lucretia doesn’t ache with the need to flex her fingers and fold them into her palm, or thumb over the pages of her book. She lets the world phase just slightly out of focus because she, like everyone, is more exhausted than she realizes. They hadn’t given her something to do in the aftermath. She’d become a sentinel of her own accord.

It’s appropriate, she decides, for her inclination; protecting the ones she loves for better or for worse.

Lup is warm. She’s always been warm, like magic is constantly running hot through her veins, and even in this state Lucretia can feel the power thrumming faintly beneath her skin. It’s a vibration; a distinctly choppy hum. There is both a power and a fragility to it that together is unlike anything Lucretia’s ever heard.

The reason she’s never heard anything like it is, of course, because it’s not actually arcane power that Lucretia can feel through the fabric of her blouse.

It’s a purr—a soft, oscillating rumble that spills from Lup’s throat and radiates outward in tiny vibrations. Where they land, goosebumps scatter across Lucretia’s skin, and cautiously she tips her head to verify the sound. As she does, Lup’s eyelashes flutter, and the purring—because that’s what it is, without question—jumps noticeably in volume. She leans toward the crook of Lucretia’s neck on what looks like instinct, like the same gravity that seems to hold them in orbit around each other is at work once again.

The same gravity that nestles in Lucretia’s gut and aches like it’s been a century. A day and a half is nothing compared to a hundred years but right now, it feels entirely as if the two are the same.

So she tucks her head over Lup’s and listens to her purr. There’d been an occurrence over the course of the mission—only once, because to Lup and Taako intimacy was sacrosanct. But she’d been curled up against the headboard, Lup lounging across her lap, and gently massaging an ear. And just like that, like a switch had been flipped, Lup started purring. She’d realized it after a moment or two and propped herself up with an embarrassed grimace, face distinctly pinker than it should have been. “Hey, Luce,” she’d said. “I’d appreciate it if you, uh, kept that to yourself. It’s kind of a…”

“An elf thing?” Lucretia had guessed.

She’d been right, as it turned out; a little-known racial quirk that elves liked to keep under wraps. Lucretia respected her wishes, and after that night, she didn’t hear it again. Apparently it had been long enough that she’d forgotten about it altogether.

She remembers two things, now:

Elves purr when they’re content, or

they purr when they’re distressed.

Lucretia looks down at Lup and can’t even begin to fathom which of the latter it would be.

She abandons that train of thought and reaches up to smooth a hand over Lup’s hair. Lup doesn’t protest, so Lucretia lets her fingers slide through the loose strands and gently massage her scalp. The purring gets louder. It’s a completely involuntary thing—she’s sure of it—but there’s a small, selfish part of her that thinks, she knows it’s me. This is for me. Lup doesn’t understand the nuances of her relationship with Lucretia or what they’ve been through together, but she feels safe. Safe with Lucretia. Safe enough to purr.

Taako is so quiet that Lucretia doesn’t even realize he’s there until he slouches into the armchair where she had been. She jumps, and Lup’s ear flicks attentively, but the purring’s tempo doesn’t break.

“Food’s cooking,” is all he says. There’s a bitter edge to his tone that she thinks, for once, isn’t directed at her.

Lucretia’s eyes fix on the ring fitted perfectly to Taako’s finger. It’s a cluster of bright pink tourmaline encased in transmuted silver, brilliant enough to catch the light and throw it in prisms across the room.

“I’ll get up,” she says.

He waves a dismissive hand. “You’re chill. Lup’s comfortable, so—so just stay where you are.”

“You don’t—”

“Lucretia,” he says, “I don’t give a flying fuck what I’m—about how I feel right now, and neither should you. This ain’t about me.”

The pointed look that tangles in Lup’s eyelashes tells Lucretia everything else she needs to know.

She doesn’t try to argue further. For one, it’s an argument she’s not going to win, and for the other—for once—she hasn’t the faintest idea what they would be arguing about. So she starts to card her fingers through Lup’s hair again, and Lup continues to purr, and Taako stares vacantly in the direction of the kitchen as if there’s something he’s forgotten.

That night, Kravitz and Merle portal in through the front yard. Lucretia and Barry are there to greet them, and the latter’s shirt is stained and his hair is sticking up in sleep-thick spikes, but right then he looks more awake than ever.

Diamond dust glitters in the valleys of Merle’s palm as he lays his hand on Lup. The air thickens with the scent of ozone. Taako’s fingers are laced tightly through hers once more, and he doesn’t say anything, but she can see his shoulders shaking.

The effect is instantaneous.

“Well, shit,” says Lup, when the light returns to her eyes. She sees Taako sitting next to her first and pulls him into her arms, and just like that, the room heaves a sigh of relief. Barry takes her face in her hands and kisses her hard, and Magnus barges past and sweeps them all into a hug, ignoring Taako and Merle’s harmonious complaining. Kravitz manages an awkward pat until he, too, is pulled headfirst into the embrace.

Lucretia stands in the doorway. The world is quiet and dark outside and the neighbors’ well-kept lawns glimmer with a late rainfall.

She leaves.

Or she tries to, at least, because she only gets as far as the porch before the door swings open behind her and light from the hallway spills around her feet. “ ’Cretia,” Lup says. “Where’re you going?”

A best of silence, and the door closes of its own accord. It’s just them, now, standing in the dim glow of the porch light with the faint buzz of crickets in the distance.

“I missed you,” says Lucretia.

Lup steps forward and takes her gently by the shoulders. “I missed you too. So why don’t you stick around? Taako’s making dinner.”

“I can’t.”

She sighs. “If you think they’ll be weird—”

Lucretia shakes her head. “It’s not them, it’s me.”

She knows Lup won’t argue with that. Instead she drums her fingers against Lucretia’s sleeves and says, “You were there the whole time, huh?”

“Yeah.”

Lup leans forward and presses her lips lightly to Lucretia’s, and despite herself, Lucretia leans in. She really has missed Lup—missed this—the way she has to rock forward on her tiptoes to reach her and the way Lup smiles against her mouth and the way she feels nothing else, except the ebb and pull of the kiss itself. They might have spent an eternity standing there on the porch, half-drowned in golden light and shivering slightly in the chill. Lucretia knows she wouldn’t mind.

But all the best things must come to an end, and Lup pulls away with a small, dazed grin.

“My girl,” she murmurs. “Missed you like crazy. You really won’t stay, huh?”

“I can’t,” is all Lucretia says.

“Okay.” She hops off the porch and sits on the stoop, then pats the concrete next to her. “Sit with me for a little bit, then. Tell me about what I missed.”

Lucretia does. She sits down and doesn’t bother sugarcoating it, because she knows Lup will hate that even more than not knowing. So she unflinchingly recounts the seconds after Lup fell and how Taako and Barry’s spells had ripped the necromancer apart. She tells Lup about the way she’d screamed at the sight of the rift and how she’d bared her teeth at anyone other than Taako who’d come close. She recites bits and pieces of Barry and Kravitz’s argument.

Lup listens without comment. When Lucretia stops—whether it’s just to stop or to take a breath, she isn’t sure—she says, “I’ve got these… impressions. Like vague memories, emotions… it’s like everything’s blurred.” She grins ruefully. “Kinda hard to make acute observations when your intelligence takes a fuckin’ swan dive, huh?”

Lucretia doesn’t respond at first, and Lup notices. “Everything okay?”

“What’s wrong with you?” says Lucretia.

The crickets seem deafeningly loud just then, filling up the space with their incessant chirping and almost overpowering what she says next. “You weren’t yourself, and it was fucking terrifying. And it didn’t even make any sense, because one minute you were growling at everyone, and the next you were—”

Her sentence hangs like a woman off a precipice. “You were… it doesn’t matter. You just—you’re cracking jokes and kissing me and acting like none of this happened, and it did happen, and it scared the life out of all of us, and I don’t know how you can be so—so chill about all of it when a spell literally destroyed your mind.”

“Oh,” Lup says. That’s it. Lucretia’s just started to kick herself for being stupid, for reprimanding Lup just minutes after she’s come back to herself because she doesn’t deserve that, gods dammit, when she says, “Y’know what? That’s fair.”

Lucretia blinks. “Um—um, yeah. Yeah, it is.”

She leans back on the heels of her hands, gazing up at the edge of the overhang and beyond that, the brilliant spread of stars. “I’m not gonna lie, Luce. I feel like shit. But when you fix somebody, they’re supposed to be fixed, right? No exceptions. No side effects. You forgive and forget and you—whoops, sorry, babe,” she says, because she catches Lucretia’s flinch, because of course she does. “Bad choice of words. But my point is that it shouldn’t be this hard to suck it up and move on.”

“Lup?”

“Yeah, hon.”

“It’s been five minutes.”

Lup chuckles and releases a long sigh. “Sure has.”

They sit in silence for a few moments. Somewhere behind the house, a carriage trundles by, accompanied by a couple raised voices and someone’s airy laughter. As the voices fade away, Lup says, “It coulda hit any one of you.”

“That’s not the point.”

“Yeah, it is,” she says, and doesn’t snap, even though her voice gets noticeably sharper. “There’s a scenario out there where the spell hits you, instead. Or Taako. Or Barry, or Angus… I could go on and on, and that, right there?” Lup’s finger jabs at an invisible spot in the air. “That’s the point. The fact that the spell hit me and not anybody else. I’m happy to take the hit—hell, I’m thrilled if it means no one else has to go through that.”

There’s no way Lucretia can counter that without compromising her beliefs. “You’re a good person,” she says. It’s not a hollow sentiment, but it does sound like one.

“I’m pissed off is what I am,” says Lup, but she puts a hand on Lucretia’s thigh and squeezes.

“I’ll get over it,” she murmurs. “Always do.”

They spend another few seconds in silence, although the way they pass, it could have been measured in eternities. Lup’s thumb presses absentminded circles into the side of Lucretia’s knee.

“Barry passed out,” she says suddenly; affectionately. “Dumbass. He always likes to say he’ll sleep when he’s dead, and since he’s a lich already that doesn’t mean jack, so…”

Lup falls silent for a few moments more, and then she says, “When did you last get some sleep?”

Lucretia thinks. She hadn’t so much as closed her eyes on the Starblaster, and the night before she’d gotten about five hours on the tail end of an enormous amount of paperwork. Suddenly the leaden weight in her limbs makes a lot more sense. “It’s been awhile.”

“Then you’re a dumbass, too,” says Lup.

Fair assessment.

Their intimacy from earlier in the day sticks sharp and clear in Lucretia’s mind. She’s been wrestling with how to bring it up, like there’s any way she can casually discuss the mechanics of want under Feeblemind, and it occurs to her then that the best way to mention it is just to mention it. So she takes a soft breath and says, “You purred.”

Lup’s ear twitches as she glances over. “I what?”

“You purred,” Lucretia repeats. “When we were… um, you seemed like you wanted me, uh… near you, so I went to sit with you, and you purred. And I felt like I should, uh. Say something? So. There it is. You purred.”

It’s in a note somewhere in her journals, that elves’ pupils expand just so when they’re taking in new information. Lup’s eyes look like two small moons. “Oh,” she says, a little more meaningfully than people usually say such things. “Well, I, uh… I’m comfortable with you. Makes sense, doesn’t it?”

Lucretia supposes it does.

“Yeah,” she admits. “I guess so.”

“Well, there you have it.” Lup’s tone is flippant, but the tips of her ears are a rosy pink. She tucks an arm around Lucretia’s shoulders and pulls her close, and Lucretia gratefully relents to the pull. It’s like giving in to fifty years of fear and uncertainty and memories she still can’t keep herself from reliving, but because she’s in Lup’s arms, none of it matters anymore. It’s over, she thinks. It’s not okay but it’s over.

Lucretia’s intuition tells her that any moment now, someone is going to come to the door to check on the two of them. The sacrament of their moment will be broken, and the agony and trauma of the past few days will come flooding back in.

It’s like a dangling participle—paranoid, inevitable.

But they’ve weathered much worse together.

[vizhi0n]

Sundown - Part 1

YOOO IM BACK ON MAH BULLSHIT

(Before i go on, there is major spoilers for the Walking Dead season 8 Premier. If you haven’t seen it yet you should probs watch the ep before u read this)

Anyway in honor of last nights premier I decided to finally drag my ass back into self-insert Negan realm and write “reader/me/you getting trapped with Negan during the Sanctuary attack. Anywho this is just a brainless excuse to write smut and other wild shit so enjoy. 

If u wanna be tagged lemme know (this is gonna be a multi-chapter thing) And if u don’t wanna be tagged lemme kno. 

Homies:

@flames-bring-a-ton-of-ash @lucifers-trash-stash @kellyn1604 @superprincesspea @genevievedarcygranger @hannibalssweaters @strangersangel9 @heartfulloffandoms @ladylorelitanyfanfiction @negans-network @crzcorgi @i-am-negan-trash @mypapawinchester @my-achilles–heel @jasoncrouse @rapsity @manawhaat @tolieboy @kijilinn (theres more but tumblr wouldn’t lemme tag em)

Rating: M Overall cause there’s gonna be smut later. Also Simon might make an appearance bc he is bae.

I could count the number of times I’d been a good Samaritan on one hand. I rarely ever went out of my way to help strangers in this hellscape of a world. That being said, I certainly wouldn’t go out of my way to help someone who had been a complete and utter assfuck to everyone around him, and had conspired behind our backs to get us to surrender during the most intense confrontation of our lives.

Yet when Gregory, limping, stumbled into me and practically tackled me, panting and nearly in tears, I stopped.

Any other time, I would have brushed him away. But this wasn’t “any other time.” Members of the Hilltop, Alexandria, and The Kingdom were making a hasty retreat as a massive horde of walkers, drawn towards us by Daryl, barreled down on the Sanctuary. I could hear both Rick and Ezekiel shouting for everyone to head towards the cars, but Gregory’s grip on my arm tightened.

“Help me.”

I had about three seconds to make a decision. The Saviors were firing at anything that moved — walkers, humans, it didn’t matter. Sucking in a breath I jerked Gregory behind cover, gun cradled against my chest. I could see our getaway vehicle just a few yards away.

Mistake number one: leaving Gregory closer to the vehicle. I could see the glint in his eyes as we remained pinned, the sound of gunfire deafening.

Hoe don’t do it.

He glanced over at me and I gave him the most caustic glare I possibly could, a glare that hopefully indicated that I wasn’t above putting a bullet in his leg and leaving him to rot. Nevertheless, before I had a chance to even shout or aim my weapon, he was gone, darting towards the armored car.

Oh. My. God.

A barrage of gunfire kept me from sprinting after him. I cursed, pressing myself against the concrete slab. I couldn’t see Rick or Maggie or Ezekiel — I could only see the undead, slowly bearing down on me. I heard the squeal of tires against asphalt as Gregory left without so much as a glance or a fucking wave.

I rolled to the side, not caring whether or not I got shot. A bullet to the brain was far better than becoming walker chow. I wasted two precious seconds trying to figure out where I was., and a half second grasping for my knife —

My knife was gone. The thick, curved blade had disappeared from my belt.

I had no idea if Gregory had somehow pickpocketed me — he had no idea how to even properly use a knife, but he certainly didn’t know that — or if I’d dropped it during the fight.

I was forced to shoulder past a walker, keeping my head ducked. I’d only see a layout of the Sanctuary once, but being in the midst of it was very, very different than studying it on a piece of paper.

A walker grasped at my shirt, but I tore away, nearly falling. I clutched my gun tight, but there were so many, he horde so thick in numbers it would have been impossible, albeit fruitless, to try and shoot.

I tried to the first door I saw. It was locked. Weaving and ducking my way towards the second door took a harrowing fifteen seconds. I kicked away a walker, relieved to find that the door handle moved. I fell forward and was dumped  onto carpet — I kicked the door shut from where I lay, abruptly cutting off the roar of the undead. All I heard now was a faint hum and my own ragged breathing.

“I hope you’ve got your shitting pants on.”

I recognized the voice immediately. For a split second I contemplated opening the door and leaping back out with the walkers. Being eaten alive wouldn’t last long, right? They’d eat my brains first. Or maybe my eyes so I wouldn’t have to see when they—

“You are about to shit your pants.”

I looked up. Negan stood above me, smiling despite the ludicrous situation we were both in. We locked gazes and he raised his eyebrows. He wasted no time in offering me a hand, Lucille clutched tightly in the other.

I didn’t take it. I stood on my own, keeping my eyes on his the entire time. The moment I began inching towards my gun, Negan kicked it away, where it skidded across the room and against the wall.

He’ll kill you.

You’re not going down without a fight.

I caught him off guard by lunging. He was a good half a foot taller than me. He was also broader, more muscular. I certainly was no linebacker, but I tacked him anyway. That smile on his face disappeared the moment his back hit the carpet. Lucille flew from his grip.

His gloved hand flew up and immediately pushed my face to the side. I grunted, boldly clamping my teeth down on one of his fingers. His bark of surprised pain was satisfying, though it didn’t last long. His opposite hand cuffed my cheek, easily overpowering me.

Now I was on the carpet, struggling as he pinned me down. I struggled, cursing, shrieking and trying to ensure that he didn’t get ahold of my wrist. I was vaguely aware of him saying something, probably demanding me to stop.

I wasn’t listening.

So, he reared back and delivered a solid left hook to my cheek. My head snapped to the side and my shouts stopped.

“Be fucking quiet! Do not make me hit you again, holy fuck,” Negan snarled. I didn’t look at him, keeping my cheek firmly planted against the ground. I could taste blood in my mouth. I went to speak, but Negan stopped me. “You are so fucking lucky that I didn’t just fucking kill you. I wasn’t going to, but goddamn…we’re in a fucked up situation here, and I would kindly appreciate if you calmed the fuck down.”

“Rick almost killed you out there. I saw it. Whatever you do to me, it won’t fucking hurt me,” I bared my teeth. “You have nothing to threaten me with.”

“Who the fuck said anything about threatening you? I mean, you clearly don’t give a fuck if you live or die, considering how you just took a huge fucking risk by jumping on me like that.”

He still had me pinned. We were both sucking in deep, gulping breaths. “I only jump on people I hate.”

“You hate me? You just fucking met me!”

“I know who you are. I saw what your people did — what they can do. Safe to say that you’re not know as the ‘best dude on Earth’ around these parts. Kind of why we attacked you.”

“No shit, Sherlock. I don’t care if you hate me. I’m your way out of here,” Negan leaned in closer, “And you’re my way out of here. That’s the fucking reality of it.”

“Says who?”

“Say’s those undead pricks outside. You stumbled in here on accident, right? I’m assuming this wasn’t a fucking suicide mission?”

“I can make it a suicide mission.”

“Wow. You really don’t fucking care about life then, do you?” Negan released my wrists, still straddling me to the carpet. He eased back a bit, rubbing his temple. “Shit. Maybe I should kill you.” 

“Do it.”

“Fuck, no. I’ve already gotten Lucille dirty enough.” 

I turned my head, looking at the bat in the corner. Negan rose, leaving me on the ground while he collected both Lucille and my assault rifle. I watched as he walked over, obviously limping. I saw a dark red patch on his thigh, but said nothing. He slung the gun over his shoulder before returning to stand over me, once again offering me his hand.

“Let’s try this shit again. If you attack me, I’ll kill you. And I mean that.”

Rolling my eyes, I took his hand and allowed him to pull me up. The moment I was standing I reached for my gun, but Negan reeled back.

“Hold up, princess.”

“Call me ‘princess’ again and I’ll rip your fucking nuts off,” I snapped. I made another move for the gun, and once again, Negan avoided my reaching arm.

“I said hold the fuck up. You’re not getting this gun back until I know that I can trust you. Besides, you won’t be needing it. Bullets aren’t going to get us out of here — not yet.”

I raised my hands in a placating gesture, trying to keep calm. That smug smirk on his face was pissing me off.  I said, “Fine. Whatever. So what’s the plan? How are we getting out?”

“No fucking clue. i was hoping you would know.”

Of all the people that could have gotten stuck…why did it have to be me? Why couldn’t it have been Gregory or, hell, Gabriel. At least a priest would have knowledge on patience.

But no. It was my skinny-ass, short self. Of all people God or fate or whatever could have chosen.

One way to look at it: you’re not locked in here with him, he’s locked in here with you.

Now prove it.

[lookwhatilost]

in the absence of someone who always was available to me, i once again find myself with no clear idea of what to do or where to go. i sat idling my car and sucking on a cigarillo. the bitterness outside makes it difficult to budget 30 minutes to spend sitting still on the patio

i thought abt him again bc his silence is deafening. i knew, in making such a decision, that it’d involve severing my primary social outlet. i know going through with it anyway attests to the strength of the resolve I’m beginning to cultivate, but I’m left where I always am – alone, bored, without the sense of inspiration to do what I like, without the energy to do what i need.

around a month ago, he and i spent the night in a hotel room for the sake of avoiding my old roommate. we destroyed a six pack, a bottle of gin, and a bag of blow together, spent a few hours having sex, and we ended up laying in bed, eating cookies, and talking abt... well, everything: our mutual struggles with mental health, with substances, with self-destruction, with isolation. i knew that I’d put him in a bad position, since i knew doing such things with him wasn’t an ethical decision, but i didn’t care. i was selfish and it was intimate. the whole situation was so strange that it felt like a fever dream, like my conscience spit out an incoherent narrative about me having an affair with someone i was actually dating. so much of our strange little fling could be summarized with that. there was a shroud of absurdity lingering over everything that happened. none of it felt as though it could actually be happening. i didnt completely buy my own reality

i still don’t know if i disliked the parts of andrew i did because it hurt my status, or if it was reflective of my real feelings towards him. im also unsure if it’s impossible to draw a real distinction between the two things. he doesn’t exist in a vacuum. neither of us do. the ways i related to andrew were damaged through how he related to the people and things around him. it’s naive to act as though none of it was connected.

if you’re constantly questioning how you’re feeling for someone, it seems rational to assume that you weren’t sincerely falling for them. i don’t think i ever could have loved him, honestly, but he struck something real in me. before i met him, i didn’t have the confidence to do anything in public that garnered any sort of attention from strangers. now I’m at karaoke every week. i felt like an outsider in this city, but now I’ve established connections at some of the local bars, the places he introduced me to, with the staff and other regulars. i feel moreso like i have a place because of him. i feel more likable. i feel more at peace w myself, the idea that I truly could be someone worth spending time around

perhaps he fulfilled the purpose that he needed to in my life, and things dissolved because they needed to. that whatever cosmic force that governs what happened to me decided “here he is, just for now, but he’ll bring you closer to where you need to be” and severed the thread before i got too involved with someone as destructive as him, his fingerprints left behind with the others—with ian’s, with evan’s, with justin’s—that will remain stained on my skin long after he stops thinking of me

people are more than stepping stones to get you to a particular destination. it’s unfair to reduce them to this, obviously, but for whatever he was to me, his effect was profound. loud. i just see myself as a sloppily bound amalgam of traits from people who were once significant to me. whether i like it or not, he became one of them

im tempted with the knowledge that he probably is sitting alone, in the same way i am, trying to figure out what to do with the influx of spare time, lamenting the lack of activity on his phone, smoking, sighing, lost in his head. i feel tempted to break through it. i think these things, then try to forget them. i try. i falter. i try again.

[incendavery]

gosh, thank you! that is so sweet??? I hope you (and any other of my followers who celebrate!) have/had a very happy Eid!💖 💕

on another note, I’ve finally gotten around to cleaning out my askbox! under the cut is almost every ask I’ve gotten that i haven’t answered in the past.... I’m not sure. it’s been a WHILE though.

as a warning, there’s all sorts of stuff, and it’s all untagged! also also, if you sent one of these asks and want me to remove it, just let me know!

yes!! @fuckaspunk IS super sweet and talented and i AM very lucky to have them! and I’ve heard from reliable sources that the feeling is mutual~~💕

i’m glad my comics make you feel less alone; that’s a rough situation you’re in. i really hope you find yourself in a better environment soon!

thank you!!!💕

thank you for understanding! and yes, aidan is a huge help to me??? even when they’re not answering asks, they’re always supporting me in some way, whether that’s making sure I’ve eaten enough, or talking me through my anxiety, or all the other ways they’re there for me every single day💕💕

ok, my tips are!!:

draw as much as possible! even if it’s just lines and shapes with no meaning, you’re still developing your hand/eye skills

BUT: dont draw if you’re not feeling it! if you’re feeling fried, it’s better to take a break. go on a walk to somewhere scenic, read your favorite book, listen to some new music, hang out with friends, or just take a nap! rest up and find some inspiration! you can come back to your sketchbook when you feel energized again

draw stuff that you like! you’ll improve way faster if you’re passionate about what you’re doing

look at art you like with a critical eye. try to examine the different components and figure out what you think works or doesn’t work. try incorporation those components into your own work

read a lot of tutorials and other resources, but take what they say with a grain of salt

ultimately, remember that the only real rule to drawing is that doing it should make you happy

good luck!! i do my best not to pick, but it’s a real struggle; i have lots of scars from it too. ;v; im cheering for you!!!

ALWAYS!!!! if you do, please show me!! my notifications get real busy, but anyone is welcome to IM me any time!

thank you! i actually get very worried about my style; i tend to admire artists with complex linework and delicate shading, so i often feel my style is far to simple! so thank you!!

that is really high praise????? gosh??!?!?!? best of luck with the next three years; i hope you grow to be someone you like even better than me!

thank you!!

peanut time is the best!! i haven’t gotten to do a proper one in a while though ;-; i’ve mostly been feeding the crows on my way back home from night shifts, when i give them the reject eggs from the continental breakfast.

wow, neat!! chickens are so wonderful; i cont wait until i can have some of my own :>

dont be nervous! i know i can be hard to get ahold of over the internet (bc i get overwhelmed easily) and hard to talk with irl (bc i get so nervous and interacting w ppl doesn’t come naturally to me AT ALL) but honestly i?? love making new friends??!

thank you!!? im thankful every day that someone as radient as aidan is in my life for the long haul

thank you!!!!!!!💕

i completely feel that? its ok to hit rough patches! just do your best!!

i dont remember what i felt bad about but THANK YOU💕💕

honestly its done me worlds of good to share my art?? hearing people talk about how they go through all the same shit i do makes me feel so much less alone, especially on the toughest days! so i guess thank you, and thank you?

youre welcome!!!! :>

huh!! i dont know much about shoegaze (other than thinking abt that post abt the guy who pronounced it like fugazi I THINK ABT THAT EVERY TIME) but thats real neat!! im glad youve found something that works for you!!

hey, neat middle name! and youre very welcome; i hope things have been looking up for you since you sent this?💕

i dont remember when this was from but im currently doing really well with my meds!! i switched to a combination of lexapro in the morning and benadryl in the evening, and its been working super well!✨

thank you??!! ;o; i would love to see all your favorite birds!!

hey, right back atcha!!!

:0

ty!!!

hey. thank YOU

you’re absolutely not bothering me! thank you so much!!

!!!!!!!!!!

hey, nice! im glad you like both me and my music!

gosh thanks?!?!

she is the most beautiful and handsome!!!!!!!!!!!! i love her! thank you from both of us!!!!

aw, gosh! im sure i like you too!!

this was from.... A WHILE AGO.... but youre welcome?? i just wish i could have done more

hey, thank you so much!!!!!

thank YOU and a very very belated merry christmas!!!

that does make sense!! reconciling friendships and crushes is tricky business. the best i can say to you is to be as honest and open with each other as you can

i dont personally get those, but ive heard of people experiencing them as a sideeffect when coming off or switching meds

i think these two are part of the same message? but oh man yeah that sucks when ppl are misgendering you AND hitting on you at the same time. on a different note, ive never heard of using a corset to stim before! neat!

i mean, 1. depression doesn’t care if you have a “””good””” reason and 2. ive literally never met anyone w depression (including myself) who thinks that they do have a “””good””” reason for having it. thats the insidious part of depression, is that it makes you think that theres nothing wrong and that its all just you not measuring up in some way

so i guess that would make you.... someone with depression?

real BAD

💕 💖 💞  💓  💗

not yet haha THANK YOU

hey, im glad you like it!! since this blog has gotten so big, its kinda my happy place to be? (for anyone wondering, my reblog blog/personal is @spinels!

that IS a fun fact!! thank you!

it’s absolutely ok! i get a little bitter when people take my work WAY out of context (for example, straight people removing the caption that says “im just really gay” before tagging their bf/gf) but i am 100% ok and happy with people relating to my work in a different way than i intended (ex: a comic i made about being ashamed of my derma getting reblogged by someone struggling to be ok w their visible burn scars)

hoo gosh, thank you!!

glad to have you here!! im glad people can relate to some of the weirdly specific shit i write about tbh???

i’m sorry its taken so long for me to get back to you; that a terrible situation

if you have a teacher you trust, i would absolutely bring it up to them. that is 100% not an ok thing for those kids to be doing. at all.

im glad you at least have your friends that support you! 

:0 WAIT is this someone i know through ucsc?? :0 :0 :0

HA 

aaaa thank you! that is high praise ;v;

i have no words; this is such a touching message. thank you so much ;v;

this is belated but!! the main creative community i can recommend is kzsc, the radio station! i had a real cool time there, and its a great way to make friends and connect with ppl of all sorts! :0

yeah, its totally normal! ive had roommates ive been super tight with, and roommates who i barely ever hung around with. its natural! i doubt you’ll finish college w/o finding a roomie that you get ~The Roomie Experience~ with though, even if its like a housemate or s/t!! ;0

i’ve never been told that, actually! neat!! (and wow?? i cant believe i inspire ppl.... wow......... what a concept tbh??)

oh yikes... i do hope youre feeling better :( im glad my comics can help a little bit at least!

💕 💖 💞  💓  💗!!!

HUGS

i dont remember what this was in reference to, but good to know?

also good to know!?

i think the crows and jays do! i dunno about the squirrels and other birds. and thank you!!

the youth gang..... i love it..... how good???!

i wrote about getting yuri right here! he’s a southern alligator lizard and i love him to bits. 

heres a pic of the Long Boy doin his thing:

hey neat! i’m glad youve chosen a lame you can be proud of!!💖

ive never heard of that!! wow

what play is this?? :0 :0 :0 im so curious now!!

oh SHUCKS...,,,,,,,,,, ;v;

hahahaha omg thank u

i dont actually have any more of them interacting, unfortunately! the owl isnt one specific person, like a lot of my characters are meant to represent. the owl more represents as a whole all the people i run into in my life that i am very very gay for.

thank you!!!

youre very welcome! im glad you feel better!!!!

aaa gosh thank you!!!

hhhhfgh ive gotten less of it recently BUT YEAH that was bad times™️ 

thanks for the info!!! :0

no problem! a lot of the credit honestly goes to @fuckaspunk, who is always keeping me updated on that sort of stuff.

i didn’t know that! a lot of the symbolism seems to come from multiple sources sometimes, from what ive seen?

aaaa gosh omg thank you ;v;

aw thank you???!!

nice!!! oct 24 bdays go!!!

thank you!! it really does mean a lot actually!!!!!!!

of course?? antisemitism cant be ignored in this fight

aw, thats so cute! id love to hear what headcanons you have tbh???

hey thanks?! this is really cool to hear, tbh. i try to be positive most of the time, but im not going to like,,, kid myself when im not feeling it and im glad that other people can appreciate that too, ya know?

wow!!

(this one!) thank you i love that one too???!

hey, im glad you found your way here!! thank you so much!!!

aaaa ty! 

hmmm i have two leopard geckos, and they made very good beginning lizards for me and aidan! but i would maybe ask someone a bit more experienced than me, like @kaijutegu​ or @wheremyscalesslither​!!

thank you!!

one day at a time! (but seriously, thank you!!)

yummy yummy sauce...... ty!!!

awww, gosh! thank you!?

AAAA TY BOTH I GET SO SELF-CONSCIOUS ABT MY VOICE,,,,, ;o;

:0 i havent watched that, but it sounds rly cool!!

i like that fun fact a lot! ty!!

pae stands for paerlin, which is what @fuckaspunk​‘s internet handle used to be! i used it to refer to them on my blog in secret back when they still didnt know i had a crush on them.... ;//v//;

aaaaa thank you!!!  ;o;

nice nice nice ty!!

>:0 get back down here!! (jk that’s rly neat! highfive!!) 

those are all good words that i like!! thank you!!!!

i dont know anything about him, but i looked him up and i guess i can see it?!

@fishcrow is really cool! ive never really interacted with them, but im p sure were mutuals...? anyway yeah their comics are rly cute and cool!

that is me! thank you; i hope things go well for you as well!

hello to you too!

aaaa ty!!! tbh the number of nice anons i get way way way outnumbers the mean ones <3

thank you! thank YOU for existing!

:0 chocolate croissant, here i come!!!

thank you!!!!!!💕

its literally my pleasure!!!

aaa ty!!! 💕💕

hehe im glad! 

sldf;j;sfjdklfdslfjs thank you so much?????? what a compliment omg gosh

yeah!! i have a hard time on settling what class id be, but i feel like id be a heart player! 

ohh um! im not sure which pens youre referring to, but if you mean the ones I use for my comics, i color them with Winsor & Newton ProMarkers, and I do the lines with a purple fine-point Sakura Gelly Roll Classic pen! i also use micron pens of all different sizes and colors in some of my non-diary comic art!

aww thank you so much!!

:0 :) :0 !!!!!!

ty!!! ive grown to love him very much as well!!

thank you! i hope you are doing well also!!

i love them very much?!! id put a picture but i dont have one with all four of them so instead imagine me lying on the floor crying abt how much i love them bc thats me basically every day

you dont mean......

?!?!?!?!?!?!

awwww ty!!!

HEY WOW

aaa gosh thank you!💕

DOUBLE FOLLOW

gay dragons combine the best of both very good things: gay and dragons. im glad you appreciate them w me tysm ;v;

aaa what a lovely message! ty💕

3rd-shift-working, depression-having, corvid-loving solidarity fistbumnp!!!!

huh! ive never heard of that; ill check it out maybe!!

ah im really glad? tysm!!💕

my understanding is that it helps people who have text-to-speech readers? but im honestly not as well informed on that as i should be! 

hell yeah!!!! 

gosh!!!!!

hnmngnhng youve probably already made a decision but i just gotta say.........shadow rulez

delicious!!

i havent!! i really want to though!

oh man ALL THE TIME. i usually try to either reality check with someone i trust, or to do an activity thats easy and i know i can do, or both!

i love andre and karl!!! its actually a huge influence on me and my art tbh??? 

i had a good (and safe) trip! ty!!!

hey, thank you!!!

oh jeez thats bad :( i think this was in response to when i needed to wait between med refills?

i cant give a precise reason, tbh! when it comes to whats lucky, i just sort of.... go with my gut, ya know?

thank you!! 👍

that sure sounds like insomnia! its almost hard for me to say tbh, bc ive had trouble sleeping for as long as i can remember, so NOT having trouble sleeping is bizarre and unrealistic to me haha... but i think the bottom line is, if its interrupting your daily routine and making it hard for you to have enough energy, then its something you should look into remedies for!

:0 :0 :0

ohhh how nice! ill give it a try! :>

omg,,,, nope, just me!

thank you!!!!!!

honestly? thats such a good way to look at it i love the idea of my blog as a big zine

always!!!!! go for it!!!

hey, thank you so much!!!!!

omg, thats so great! thank you!

im so glad; thank you!!!

thank you so much!💖 (and mexico, neat! i love hearing where people are following from??)

aaaaaaaaaaaa ;//v//; thank you??? i get so happy whenever ppl tell me they like my singing aaaaaaa

aw, hey, no worries! money is all well and good, but in some ways, messages like this mean just as much!

its cool that comic gave you plural feels! im def not a system though :> 

its tricky, isnt it? i still feel like im no good at it lmao

LISTEN,,, there is a 99.9999% chance i wont notice, and a 100% chance i wont judge. reblog away! 

THANK YOU ARENT THEY THE BEST I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

thank you!! i hope you have a good day as well!

aaa ty!!💖

aa ty! (what a cool name!!! im kind jealous ngl!)

awww thank you💖

i do my best! i just worry when im not active, bc i tend to connect my self-worth to my output (;^; )

aaaaa ty!! 💖

!!!!!!!!!!!! omg wow i love being called a pretty boy???? ty???????

hey, neat! crow high-five!

aw, thank you!!! 💖

im doing my best! thank you so much, messages like this really help when im in a place like that tbh ;v;

gosh this is so sweet? thank you so muhc !!?

thank you all!! im sorry that saying thank you over and over sounds so repetitive, but i truely do mean it for every one of you!!!

i am..... one of those things!

well thank you!!

ohoho~✨

thank you! and honestly im sure it does??

hey, cool! good for you!!!!!!! and ty!!

aw gosh thank you!💖

hey, wow! thats super cool; thank you so much!

(i dont follow the first person i followed on tumblr anymore.... they became a hockey blog rip haha)

aaaah, thank you so much!!

almost???

i do!! drunken lullabies is an absolute banger!!!!!!!!!!

i am!!!! thank you!!

aw, ty!!! 💖

hee hee, thank you! 

my biggest tip honestly?? have someone who can be by your side to help you with... basically everything... during your recovery. bc trust me, i was n o t  a v a i l a b l e. i spent a lot of my recovery playing 2048 at the same time as watching tv, bc doing both at once distracted me from how much the bandages itched.

thank you!! (i think this was in reference to getting top surgery!)

how shitty??????? yikes. i hope your supervisor has your back??? bc wow????

hey!!! thank you!!! i draw all my comics traditionally on paper! im not sure what you mean by the writing though? if you mean the word bubbles, i do those by hand on paper too!

I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND THAT FEELING,,,, im so happy ppl talk to me, but i get really nervous about saying the wrong thing. 

when i’m down, i usually crave validation. i like being reminded about things ive done right! i also like gentle reality checks, like, ‘hey: this is the situation, this is what we can do about it. ok? ok’

i unfortunately dont have any!! i had a couple at one point, but they’ve since been lost to the depths of my old laptop. and hey, thank you so much!!

now thats a nifty trick!! im terrible at telling all my white tablets from each other lmao

!!!!!!! ITS ME!!!!!!!!

maybe you just need some space? i know i sometimes temporarily block people i know, if i need some private space or if i dont trust myself to keep cool and solve problems constructively. do what you need to do to feel at ease, and go from there, ya know?

thank you!!!

its,,,, up somewhere above in this monster post lmao i,m so sorry,,,,

thank you so much!!!

WOW NO WORRIES??,,,,,,,,, INCREDIBLE 10/10???????

all four of these came right after i gave myself a hair cut and THANK YOU SO MUCH??? i live for validation and it feels so good to have my actions affirmed ;o;

[trainwreckgenerator]

Honestly I'm just trying to figure out how lup got INTO the umbrella??? knowing what we know of her character i can't imagine she'd just go, "wellp im just going to lay down by this wall and die while somehow getting my soul sucked into this umbrella!!" the only thing i can think of is that she's a lich like Barry (since it SEEMS to b implied that Barry wasn't a lich at the start at least) and when she died the umbra staff ate her against her will since that form is pure magical energy??

things we know about lupbrella:- is aware of her surroundings in there, since she blasted her name into the wall and tried to defend herself from kravitz-is able to move the umbrella independently, although shes only ever used this to get herself back to taako, so this ability might be limited-is all the same not in full control of the umbrella, since it still ate jenkins wand and edwards edward (the function of normal, non-possessed umbra staffs) (although maybe she just allowed this to happen bc she had no reason not to)

things we know about lups corpse situation:-she was locked in a cave only openable with merle/gundrans blood. whether she was trapped there or deliberately hid herself there is unknown.-they found her corpse “huddled” against the wall, with the umbrella stashed deep in her robes. it felt very set up and tidy, no sign of a struggle.-when she was communicating telepathically with taako, she only did so when they were still outside barrys hideout, which we know was close to wave echo cave - and griffin described the voice as sounding distant, like it wsa coming from a cave a couple hundred feet away (not an exact quote, but he did say cave and gave a certain distance). we also know taakos telepathy bracelet has a specific range

reasons lup could or would give up her physical form:-lucretia erased all memory of their mission with a voidfish. the voidfishes powers dont work on you if youre dead. lup would have wanted to remember more than she would have wanted to stay alive-kravitz said he detected a lich, and that it wasnt taako. the way liches work is that they have to store their soul in an object at which they can reform when their body is destroyed, effectively making them able to exist permanently in the material plane despite being dead. barrys phylactery is presumably his coin. lup was close to barry and thus could have learned from him the same soul-binding spell. barry didnt know where she was or even that she was dead, so if she did cast that spell she did it all herself

so my current theory is: lup sealed herself in the cave and turned herself into a lich as a last ditch effort to escape lucretias mutiny

the only thing i dont get is, if her soul is in the umbrella, why was her voice coming from the cave? otherwise, it all checks out.