#and like I’m ok that Dean got to have his moment with Mary /but Sam deserved it too/ if not /more/

[acesammy]

I get too insane when I think about the arcs they robbed from Sam in the late seasons

[scoobydoodean]

❤️ Dean Being Love to Others ❤️

Season 1 Part 2

master post here (still being updated)

1.10 "Asylum": Immediately after Sam, while mind controlled by Dr. Ellicott, blasts Dean through a wall with a shotgun full of rock salt, says some big meanie things to him :( and then tries to shoot him in the head over and over... after knocking Sam out, Dean pats Sam on the shoulder and says, "Sorry Sammy" because he knows Sam's jaw is going to hurt when he wakes up jhvsdjvgjhsfdgj

1.11 "Scarecrow": Sam and Dean fight and part ways at the beginning of the episode. Dean could probably use help on the case, but he doesn't ask for it when they finally do call—he does the opposite when Sam asks if he's hinting he needs help. He says, "You gotta do your own thing. You gotta live your own life. You’ve always known what you want. And you go after it. You stand up to Dad. And you always have. Hell, I wish I—anyway….I admire that about you. I’m proud of you, Sammy." At the end of the episode, after Sam comes back, Dean also doesn't assume he'll stay and asks if he can drop him off anywhere. (Gifset)

1.12 "Faith": Dean struggles with believing Layla deserves to live far more than he does. He struggles both with his own "healing" being prioritized over hers, as well as having to stop the reaper so no one else gets hurt when Layla is the next to be healed.

1.13 "Route 666": DEAN WAS IN LOVE WITH CASSIE. HE WAS SO IN LOVE WITH HER THAT HE TOLD HER THE TRUTH. And even though he was hurt because of how they broke up, the moment she called and she needed his help, he jumped to go help her no questions asked, no hesitation.

1.14 "Nightmare" #1: When Max is about to shoot his step-mother, Dean steps between her and the gun and tells Max he has to go through him first.

1.14 "Nightmare #2: Throughout the episode, Dean does his best to reassure Sam that everything is going to be okay, that his visions do not scare Dean, that he is not going to turn into a monster. This culminates in, at the end of the episode, Dean telling Sam nothing bad is going to happen to him as long as Dean is around. Dean won't let it.

1.16 "Shadow": Dean lets go of what he personally wants, which is him, Sam, and John all together, and advocates for himself and Sam to separate from John because he believes that they'll be a liability (I also think he's incorrect but I do think it's still an example of him being selfless).

1.18 "Something Wicked" #1: Dean crouches down to be at eye level with Michael when he sees him upset. He tells Michael that it is not his fault that his brother got sick when Michael blames himself.

1.18 "Something Wicked" #2: Dean drives Michael's mom to the hospital because he recognizes she's in no condition to drive.

1.18 "Something Wicked" #3: Dean checks in with Michael again right before the plan to catch the Shtriga, and tells him, "Michael, you sure you wanna do this? You don't have to, it's ok, I won't be mad."

1.18 "Something Wicked" #4: There are multiple small examples of the contrast of a child's innocence and Dean's lack of innocence in childhood, and kid Dean makes the decision from childhood through the present to not resent Sam for having that innocence but to try and protect that innocence. And even as an adult, when Sam says, "Sometimes I wish I could have [the innocence of not knowing what's out there]", Dean replies, "If it means anything, sometimes I wish you could too"—saying nothing of his own stolen childhood.

1.19 "Provenance": Dean is worried about Sam losing himself in research and not pursuing relationships (like with Sarah Blake) because of Jess. He tells Sam as gently as he can that he thinks Jess would want Sam to be happy.

1.21 "Salvation" #1: Sam begins to say that Mary and Jess's deaths are all his fault and that he has to fix it. Dean tells him fiercely that it is not his fault and that fixing it is a "we" problem.

1.21 "Salvation" #2: Dean holds Sam back from running into a building burning to the ground (which would instantly kill him) to try and reach the demon.

1.21 "Salvation" #3: When Sam throws him up against a wall, instead of matching Sam's rage, Dean speaks to him gently or calmly and is able to get through to him.

1.21 "Salvation" #4: Dean asks John to promise him that he'll get out if things go sideways with tricking Meg.

1.22 "Devil's Trap" #1: Dean says that if finding the demon means John or Sam getting themselves killed for revenge, he hopes they never find it.

1.22 "Devil's Trap" #2: Dean brings The Colt in secret when they go to save John even though he knows John would be furious, then uses it to save Sam's life.

1.22 "Devil's Trap" #3: Dean says he's actually scared of what he's capable of doing to protect Sam and John.

1.22 "Devil's Trap" #4: Dean is badly hurt and bleeding out after being attacked by Yellow Eyes, but begs Sam to check on John and see if he's okay.

[self-loathing-angel-of-thursday2]

Beautiful Spouse’s Rewatch Thoughts SPN 12x14 The Raid

“How un-American” “Dean’s fkn mad.” “three days after mom walked out. Or did they kick her out? A little column A / a little column B?” “oh hey she’s doing the thing again” “This family has a way with words” “He doesn’t disassemble his own guns?” “that’s not her fault. She got zapped by a shitter demon yellow eyes” “some jurassic part bullshit. Where’s the fkn velociraptor?” “hey cunt” “forgot how much I hated that asshole (Mick)” “basically no time has passed in Mary’s mind” “hey assbutt” “you already had an s on drinks. That was redundant” “iPhone 6” “Gotta love how Dean says you gotta pick a side then Sam is over here checking out the base” “just shoot him in the fkn face. Make it easy” “uh huh” “exactly” “don’t store it in the decanter. Idk what you get, but you get something” “gonna let the British take your jobs like that?” “where’s the big noise in the background?” “oh hai” “hmm. Let’s see what this is about” “33 years. Glennlach? Pretty low proof though. That’d be 86. That’s actually really low but I don’t know a whole lot about scotch” “I’m going to write this down, and we’re going to move on. I know enough about scotch to know I don’t like it. I know there’s like 3 different regions.” “that bottle appears to be $4500. I think. No. Different brand maybe. Idk” “Oh maybe it’s a fake label because of shows and stuff, but there’s another brand that looks similar to it that goes between too much money and ungodly amount of money” “it’s based off of this guy. GlenDronach. Looks very similar” “Are we adding woman-hater to the list of things we don’t like about Ketch?” “how does this guy die?” “couldn’t just take one vehicle” “He’s just doing this because the MOL take the fun out of it? SO Ketch is trying to do this to get a little bit of action?” “oh are the vampires plotting? Are they going to attack this place?” “oh shit” “wouldn’t you want to give your guard a shorter nickname?” “I feel like if your guard has a one syllable nickname, that’d be easier to call for help. Of course he’s dead now” “home run. Ok let’s go” “yeah like that little tiny bolt’s going to do anything” “didn’t they kill his ass?” “don’t have any more questions apparently” “shit plan” “did he get bit or something?” “oh shit. Yeah I forgot they’ve got a fancy gun” “I mean this could be the plot twist is. Take the gun and run” “is this the Indiana jones ark of the covenant moment?” “this is how the one hunter dies probably” “oh shit” “huh?” laughter

“Hmmm” “neat little trigger action” “don’t need my ass powdered anymore” laughter

“Well that didn’t go the way I expected it to” “Fkn Mama’s boy” “what a bitch move”

[sarah-dipitous]

Hellsite Nostalgia Tour 2023 Day 48

The Kids Are Alright/Love & Monsters

“The Kids Are Alright”

Would I Survive the First Five Minutes??: this is why the only craft I do is cross stitch (not true). Sure I pricked my finger on a needle today, but at least my BUZZSAW DIDN’T CUT ALL THE WAY THROUGH MY CHEST FROM MY BACK. Try getting me now, evil spirit/demon/whatever

This is one of those ways Dean and I are vastly different. I don’t know what I’d be doing if I knew I had a year left, but it wouldn’t be this…sex road-trip. This isn’t a judgement. Well, it’s a little bit of a judgement but more based on the fact that he’s picking places to investigate based more on girls in the area that he’s slept with than validity of paranormal activity.

I forgot there was a moment when Dean thought he might have a son.

Omg these women gossiping about Dean is hilarious…WHILE HE’S IN EARSHOT

Like, there is every indication that this kid isn’t even Lisa’s. He just spawned from Dean

Omg changelingsssssss. That’s what’s going on in this episode

They’re trying entirely too hard with the “badass strong female character” trope here. She doesn’t speak like a PERSON. It’s “im the girl who just saved your ass” and stealing Sam’s fries only to go “these things are like *crack.* try some!” I want to like her and I probably did the first time I watched

Oh…omg it doesn’t seem like it was that long ago that that woman’s ex husband died but is her neighbor and friend really trying to talk to her about selling his house already?

This kid is too funny. Ok…Dean at THIS point would not be a good dad. Just wouldn’t be teaching his kid the right way to go about things of what he taught Ben was “if he doesn’t give you your game after asking, kick him in the nards.” Sure he could learn (he being Dean), but it would take a long time

Okay. Here’s the thing. I know this woman’s been through a lot and that that’s not really her daughter, but…there’s something about the practicality of it all. Like…how does she move on from here? (Context: she just rolled her car with the changeling pretending to be her daughter into a river? Lake? Whatever) what do you do? How go you face your—girl, you just lost your car for nothing.

Mmmmmm Ben’s already been taken. Damn.

So how DO you get this whole upper middle class neighborhood to be okay with torching a bunch of supernatural beings who look like their kids? Even if……OH THE REALTOR IS LIKE THE HEAD CHANGELING (oh but in a way that she’s also been taken) anyway, even if you convince all of the parents (unlikely) that they exist…unless it’s a “kill the source, kill the rest” which of course it is

Oh…Sam doing all this research into what happened to Mary’s family and friends is heartbreaking. Especially having to do it alone and on the orders(-ish?) of someone he doesn’t know and barely trusts (if he trusts Ruby at all). I’m frustrated for him.

Forgot Ruby is a demon…

“Been On My Mind…”: I’m starting to think the person who complained about the lack of “hot chicks the Winchesters would hook up with” in later seasons only watched this one.

“Love & Monsters”

When I say I wish I could skip this one I mean it. I’ll power through it but don’t expect much…

Supernatural has the Ghost Facers, Sherlock’s got the Sherlock Survived Truthers (I can’t remember what they call themselves), and Doctor Who has…these guys…

The scooby doo chase sequence is a fun touch

This guy WISHES he was Wilf Mott

Mmmmmmmmmm…can’t blame him for liking Mr Blue Sky

I also can’t separate that actress from her role in Fandom That Shall Not Be Named. Sorry to this actress

Ugh…this dude ruined their whole found family vibe

The storytelling isn’t so bad, I suppose. With the exception of the additional of Victor Kennedy…

This version of Unbreak My Heart fading in and out of the background is fucking hilarious

Oh oh OH JACKIEEEEEE

No no no no not Mr Skinner tooooooo.

Yeah….from here on out I just fucking hate it……..

Literally why would anyone write this plot???

Mmmm makes sense that this alien from the Slitheen’s twin planet

[angelsdean]

hi darling ♡

what's your latest saddest dean thought at the moment? you always shatter my heart with your dean thought and i need it to hurt sjfhdhs <3

this got so long oops !

hiii sana<3 hmm ok well idk about saddest but here is my sad dean thought of the day that i've been twirling around in mind since seeing kath @caskarass's very hilarious post abt sam and cas fighting over cas bringing up sam's embarrassing childhood prayers. so like, dean's there and he's watching all of this go down and at first he's doubled over laughing his ass off because he's always up for embarrassing his little bro and having CAS tease sammy too is just soo !! yeah that's his bestie, they're all family and cas gets a pass to tease the heck out of sam! but then. after they've all settled down again and they've all returned to their research or whatever they were doing before this, dean just sits there thinking about what cas said, that he and the other angels all heard sam's silly prayers. which means…which means they heard /dean's/ too. because yes, as a child, especially when he was very young, in those first few years after the fire, he prayed. he held on to the words his mom always used to tell him, "angels are watching over you." he was still young, still wanted to believe that good things could happen, that someone would come and save him, make everything better, help his dad stop being so sad and angry. hold sammy when he cries. bring his mom back. so little dean started praying sometimes. pastor jim taught them a few prayers like the hail mary and our father. but he also told them they could ask god for help too. so, sometimes, after a bad night or when he was sad or scared, he'd pray. but not to god, no, he'd pray specifically to the angels his mom said were watching over him. and he'd ask them to help him and sammy. he'd ask them for food or money. he'd ask them to make his dad happy. he'd ask them come and take him away and bring him to his mama in heaven. (more under the cut because i’m evil)

so dean thinks about all those little prayers, and realizes the angels all heard him. and did nothing. he's not mad at cas, doesn't blame him or anything because cas didn't even know him then, and even if cas wanted to intervene he knows the other angels wouldn't have let him. but it just hits him hard, and he slips away to his room and just lays there, his chest clenching painfully as it hits him again that his whole life really was just entertainment for an uncaring god and he was purposely made to suffer again and again for chuck's ~narrative~

he curls into himself and just remembers laying like this as a small child on motel room beds, silently pleading with the angels to please please come please please save him. and while no angels came then, one seeks him out now. cas feels his longing, his distress and goes looking for him, knocks softly on his door, asks, "Dean?"

And dean sits up, murmurs to come in, makes space for cas to sit beside him. Cas asks, "What's wrong?" and dean's instinct is to brush him off, say "Nothing. I'm fine." and move on. But. But this is Cas. His best friend. The love of his life. Dean /likes/ talking to Cas. Even when the stuff they talk about is bad or uncomfortable, he still finds he wants to talk to him about these things. So he tells him about the prayers he already knows Cas has heard. And Cas ends up holding him and telling him he wishes he could have done something then, wishes he could go back and protect dean's younger self. Dean cries a little, face burrowed against Cas's chest, overwhelmed by Cas's love and care. And he still mourns the suffering he went through as a kid, and he's still pissed as fuck at Chuck. But he's glad to be where he is now, to have this angel, to have someone who loves him as deeply and unconditionally as Cas does. It's something he never thought he'd have, something he never even dared pray for. But he has it now, he has it.

sorryyyyy this got so long lmao anyways here are your dean feels, sana enjoy<3

[norahastuff]

penny for your thoughts on salmondean codependency ?

Sure. Fair warning it’s long (was longer but I stopped myself.)

I think it’s complicated in a show that’s had so many different showrunners because they’ve all handled Sam and Dean’s relationship very differently. In Kripke’s era (s1-5) there was a romanticization of the bond. Sure there was a lot of in-depth exploration of how they wound up at the place they were at, spoiler alert: it was all because of John and his obsessive crusade to find the demon that killed his wife. That’s all he cared about and as a result, Sam and Dean had to be everything to each other. But Kripke had no intention of dismantling that at any point because he was (and always had been) writing a tragedy. Gamble continued that too. There was no room for anyone else in their lives and it would always just be the two of them against the world. So Cas had to go. Bobby had to go.

(Actually, it's funny because Gamble didn't intend this at the time, her plan was to kill Cas off, but by Edlund creating the masterpiece that is The Man Who Would Be King, he not only saved Cas from being seen as a villain, but he also deepened Dean and Cas' relationship in such a profound way and inextricably linked the two of them emotionally. And since Cas was eventually brought back, that laid the foundation for a lot of what their relationship would become.)

Up until this point, there hadn’t really been any significant dismantling of perhaps the more unhealthy parts of Sam and Dean’s relationship. Enter Carver. He stripped things down and started to explore what drove these characters. What they wanted and why they couldn’t have it. It starts with Dean being mad at Sam for not looking for him in purgatory, which sets up the whole speech in the s8 finale of Sam’s guilt about letting Dean down, but the thing is, Dean was never honest with Sam about his year away either. He never told Sam he could have gotten out much sooner if he hadn’t stayed to find Cas. I mean Dean had assumed Sam was up there alone doing God knows what to try to bring him back, and yet still he stayed in Purgatory because things were clear there. He needed Cas. Anyway, I just find that interesting, but Cas isn’t a victim of Sam and Dean’s relationship in s8.

Who gets the honour of being cast aside? That would be Benny and Amelia, two characters they introduced in s8 specifically to highlight that Sam and Dean’s relationship doesn’t allow for anyone else to be a significant part of their life. I mean that’s nothing new, we’ve watched that happen many times before. Lisa even said as much to Dean. The thing is this time? It’s framed as a truly sad thing. That moment at the end of 8x10 when Dean has just ended things with Benny and Sam leaves Amelia, and they’re sitting alone drinking beer and watching tv is such a hollow empty moment. This is not what they want. But it’s the way things have to be.

I’m actually fascinated by Sam and Dean’s conversation in the church in the s8 finale. Not so much Dean’s assertion that there is no one else he would put before Sam, but more so what provokes it, which is Sam saying “who are you going to turn to instead of me. Another angel? Another vampire?” See the thing is Dean saying he would always put Sam first is not news. We know this and it’s not really an unhealthy statement in itself either. A lot of people would put their sibling above anything else, not less a sibling who you raised and is the most important person to you. But in this context? After what Sam said? It just highlights how unhealthy they are if Sam believes that Dean having other people in his life means he doesn’t love him enough. That he’s a disappointment to him. That’s so profoundly fucked up.

(Note, Dean tells Sam that he killed Benny for him but he doesn’t say anything about Cas. I think like I said before, this is because Cas and Dean’s relationship has largely existed out of the Sam and Dean stuff up to this point - Sam and Cas don’t even really have much of a relationship yet besides both of their connections to Dean.)

And then from here, things start getting steadily worse. But we also keep being shown how bad they are. Dean lying to Sam, taking away his free will by letting Gadreel possess him. Dean sending Cas away, Kevin dying. It’s all awful. The whole “there ain’t no me if there ain’t no you line” from 9x01 isn’t really said by Dean, it’s Gadreel, but that is how Dean feels. He does think that’s all he’s good for. And over the season we’re shown how much of himself and what he truly wants he’s had to give up because of his ingrained “Save Sammy” and “Sammy comes first” mentality. It’s always been this way for him. In 9x07 we see that he had found a happy home, a good father figure, and his first love, a first love might I add that he had to leave behind with no real explanation because Sam needed him, and Sam comes first.

I mean just one episode earlier we had him rushing out the door elated about seeing Cas and spending time with him, only for their time together to come to sad and melancholic end when Dean once again leaves Cas behind without any real explanation, because despite what he wants Sammy comes first. What he wants doesn’t matter.

See I think after the Gadreel stuff comes out is where the narrative starts to get a little wonky for me. You can clearly see that this was intended to be a shorter story that they ended up stretching out to a much longer one because of renewals. There’s also the fact that this is a formula show so they can’t necessarily be separated for longer than an episode or two. S10 is a rough one to get through at times, I think the themes still mostly hold up but it’s a rough one to get through.

S10 highlights all the connections that Dean has, Cas, Charlie, Crowley even, but Sam doesn’t really have those bonds in the same way.  For Sam it’s just Dean, so he goes down a reckless destructive “do anything to save Dean!” path and so many innocents pay the price, and ultimately with the release of The Darkness, the whole world.

They skirted right up to the edge of exploring just how toxic and dangerous their relationship had become in the season 10 finale.

DEAN: I let Rudy die. How was that not evil? I know what I am, Sam. But who were you when you drove that man to sell his soul... Or when you bullied Charlie into getting herself killed? And to what end? A..a good end? A just end? To remove the Mark no matter what the consequences? Sam, how is that not evil? I have this thing on my arm, and you're willing to let the Darkness into the world.

I can’t say evil is the right word, they were never evil, but they were wilfully blind to everything and everyone else when it came to saving each other. S10 tested my love for the show because after watching it, because there was certainly a feeling that the two of them had become the villains of this story. And don’t get me wrong, I didn’t have a problem with that, it’s just after 2 seasons of this I can’t say I had a lot of faith that this was going to be properly addressed or if we were going to keep going in circles around it. Keep being shown, it’s bad and then nothing much being done to fix it. Your mileage may vary on how it was handled, but I think s11 did a relatively ok job considering it wasn’t the end of the story, and the show needed to keep going.

See from Dean’s side a lot of the codependency rests on 1. His father’s orders to always save Sammy 2. His low self-esteem where he sees himself as nothing but a blunt instrument. 3. His guilt at not being able to perfectly fulfil every familial role in Sam’s life 4. His belief that no one could choose to love him but family has to love you. 5. The unhealthy example of what it should look like to love someone that he got from John. You give up everything but them.

For Sam (and honestly it’s not as clear for me as Dean’s side is so feel free to correct me/disagree on this) 1. Everytime he’s tried to leave and create his own life it’s never ended well. 2. His guilt over wanting freedom and a normal life when he was younger (I’m referring specifically to Stanford era here) 3. His guilt over everything Dean has given up for him. 4. John. 5. Jess.

Ultimately it all comes down to isolation. They both had to be everything to each other, and the deeper they got into this fight, the more people that they lost, the tighter they clung to this notion of family and brothers. I think s11 (and 11x23 in particular) was an important turning point, both for Sam and Dean’s relationship, as well as for them as individuals. Because they weren’t alone there anymore. Cas was there. Sam let Dean walk to his death. Of course, it would devastate him, but he knew it was what had to be done. And he didn’t walk out of that bar and go back to the bunker alone. He had Cas, he had someone who cared about him and wanted to help him and talk to him. Sure Dean asked Cas to take care of Sam for him (you know after Cas offered to walk to his death with him) but Sam let him. He let him be there for him. We didn’t get to see much before the BMOL showed up and blasted Cas away, but still, we saw enough.

I think that’s a significant difference to note why their relationship was different in the Dabb era. It wasn’t just them anymore. Cas was an important member of their family and given a level of importance he’d never been given before and couldn’t have been when the story they were telling was of the dangers of their codependency. Mary was back. Eventually, Jack would become a part of their unit too. Just the two of them wasn’t enough for them anymore. This is made abundantly clear with all of Dean’s desperate attempts to get Cas to stay in s12, followed by his inability to keep going when they lose Cas and Mary in s13. Similarly, Sam really struggles when they lose Jack and fail to get Mary back later in the season.

Another big moment is Dean letting Sam go alone to lead the hunters against the BMOL in 12x22 while he stays back to try and reach Mary. Like he tells Mary, he’s had to be a brother, a father and a mother to Sam and he never stopped seeing him as his kid, but in that moment he makes a choice. He lets Sam take charge and he shows that he trusts him and believes in him. He knows he can handle it.

Sometimes it’s not even a character growth thing. Sometimes having other people there stops you from making destructive choices even though that’s still your first instinct. I’m thinking specifically of 13x21 after Sam was killed. Dean would have run headlong into that nest of vampires and got himself torn apart, but Cas was there to stop him. He was able to make him see reason.

Basically, I think that for a long time, they thought the only relationship they could have was each other, which then became a self-fulfilling prophecy because their desperate attempts to keep each other around led to them losing the people around them. They eventually started to learn that that wasn’t true, they could have more, they were allowed to want more, and that it wasn’t an either-or situation. Dean didn’t have to choose between Sam and Cas. They didn’t have to choose between each other or Jack. The same goes for Mary. Different relationships can coexist without threatening each other, and not say that their relationship in s12-15 was all smooth sailing, but it was certainly so very different from everything that came before.

(There’s maybe a point to be made about how they didn’t have anyone or anything in the finale and how that relates to the story we got, but honestly I have no idea what the intention was with any of the choices made in that episode so I’ll leave it at that for now.)

[you-cant-spell-subtext-without]

ahdflksjaklf;jsls ok buddies - I hate talking about 14x13: Lebanon, but it has relevancy in the “John Winchester is a villain and cannot and should not be redeemed” discourse as well as being a crucial piece of finale denialist lore so I Have Been Thinking About It Too Much.

As you may recall, the Occult Object of the Week - the pearl - in Lebanon is supposed to grant Dean’s “heart’s desire.” Dean and Sam are Very Sure this means expelling Michael (the Dean Winchester Must Be Saved installment of season 14) (honestly that premise always seemed a little slim to me, I was hoping for Dean’s heart’s desire to be Cas, on Dean’s car, naked, covered in bees). 

Instead they summon Dad of the Year, which at first feels infuriating.  However after discussion with my earworms, I Have Fixed It (and also turned it into a grenade to launch at 15x20.)

Finale denialists and John Winchester derogatorians ASSEMBLE! and let’s discuss after the cut.

I’ve written in depth about Dean’s struggles with the cycle of abuse, so I won’t go too far into it here, but if you want to revisit any of that meta this is a good place to begin.  This post hinges on the same theory - that Dean’s true freedom is established in his release from that cycle - that is the logical outcome of any hero’s journey for him, and where he would finally be able to accept happiness and love.  This logically would also make release from the cycle of abuse and the feelings of self-hatred Dean struggles with his “heart’s desire” for purposes of the pearl.  When it comes to emotions, we also know Dean doesn’t deal with them well.  He punches things instead.  So odds are, Dean hasn’t really worked through these feelings.  

Dean also mentions when John returns that “it was what [Dean] wanted since he was 4″ - when they lost Mary, right before John became obsessed with revenge.  Season 12 Mary canonically remembers John as a “good dad,” so we can draw a line from that to the abuse really starting shortly after her death.  This is also corroborated by Dean himself:

DEAN: You know when you died, it changed Dad. 

(A visual of the John Mary remembers) (just my excuse to put pictures of Matt Cohen on your dash) (I shouldn’t need an excuse) (Matt Cohen hi you are on Tumblr please don’t read any of this I’m embarrassed).

So what Dean has is pre-Mary’s-death John and post-Mary’s-death John, post-Mary’s-death John being the one whose abuse created Dean’s own damaged persona.  Dean thinks the fix is to stop things on the front end (he is ignoring any process-centered solution, he just wants it to never have happened, he is in denial that he has to work through this and just wants it to be erased, etc etc etc).  

***also keep in mind that going back in time to change things on the front end as a “fix it” is a storyline SPN repeats regularly***

***and it always ends up being impossible to do*** 

Ok so for Dean, his damage/anger/brutal nature/darkness is always linked to John, and this cycle “began” for Dean once their family was torn apart by Mary’s death.  So the fix is his “blood family” together.  That’s his heart’s desire in Lebanon because Dean hasn’t really worked through any of his emotions, and it’s his very Dean way of fixing it - “oh if my family gets put back together I will be put back together too.”

***speaking of quick fixes, I’d like to note that any case in SPN that is referred to as a “milk run”  inevitably becomes complicated and messy***

***continuing the thematics of there’s no such thing as a quick fix***

This is no different.  Stopping the cycle by simply erasing it from the narrative erases anything else that happened along the way during the journey.  It erases this Mary (who they know as a person by this point and not just the mom on a pedestal) 

and (most importantly) it erases this Cas (the episode specifically replaces Cas with one who Doesn’t Know Dean).

We Emphasize This Of Course In The Dialogue In Case You Missed It

DEAN Cas, you know us. ALTERNATE CAS I don’t know you.

***Simply erasing the origin of Dean’s trauma erases all of Dean’s growth.  It erases this family that Dean is so proud to tell John he has now. It erases everything he has already overcome despite how hard it was to achieve it.

So, John goes back.  In that way, the pearl does give Dean his heart’s desire - his realization that this is not about a quick fix, it is about the journey to the good, and all you gain and become along the way (kind of similar to “Happiness isn't in the having. It's in just being. It's in just saying it" eh?).  it’s the process.  It’s every moment along the way.  It’s the people who help him get there.

And then he starts the healing journey by taking control of his own life, by owning his feelings instead of displacing the blame, by recognizing he is NOT guided solely by the actions of his father and this cycle:

DEAN

And for the longest time, I blamed Dad. I mean, hell, I blamed Mom, too, you know? I was angry. But say we could send Dad back knowing everything. Why stop there? Why not send him even further back and let some other poor sons of bitches save the world? But here’s the problem. Who does that make us? Would we be better off? Well, maybe. But I gotta be honest – I don’t know who that Dean Winchester is.

And the episode fucking ends with Cas, the Cas Who Knows Them coming into the bunker and asking them what happened, calling each of them by name just to emphasize again That He Knows Them, because Cas knowing Dean, and Cas being Dean’s family is the cornerstone of what Dean’s heart desires.

[CAS walks in from the door at the top of the stairs. SAM, DEAN and MARY walk out from the library to see him.]

CAS Mary, Sam, Dean. What happened?

So yeah, it took 14 damn seasons but Lebanon is where Dean realizes he can be defined by more than the acts of his father.  (That’s why it’s so terrifying for Dean when Chuck snatches back any control he gained in Season 15.  Because for Dean, Chuck is just John Winchester Controls My Every Action all over again, except he’s God which makes it even worse.) 

That’s also why the final blow to Chuck is not Dean killing him. 

The last stage in the journey that begins here with Dean’s “I’m good with who I am” - [I’m still bad and dark and damaged but I’m good with it]

is Dean’s “that’s not who I am.” [the most caring man on Earth; the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know]

Thats equally why 15x18 is so brilliant, 15x19 is at least acceptable, and 15x20 simply does. not. work.

Dean Winchester’s perfect heaven cannot possibly center on the blood family.  It does not have John Winchester and Mary, husband and wife, who took away his own free will.  It is THIS FAMILY.  The found family.  Cas and Jack and Sam and the Mary that was resurrected.  Dean’s entire character arc supports this journey, and to have it culminate in something that is so established in the season prior to this one as something Dean knows he no longer wants is maddening.

I’m even more mad now because I just remembered that the most prominent picture above Dying Sam’s bed was the blood family portrait from this episode; almost like they wanted us to remember this particular stupid lesson.  This show is so stupid when it could have been so so so very good.

***I want to say thanks again to all of you who read my spiraling if you got this far.  It’s therapeutic for me to do it, but it makes it all the better that people actually read it.  Seeing you in my notes MAKES my entire day****

[deanwasalwaysbi]

Dean’s Self Acceptance & Chekhov's Grenade Launcher

If you aren’t here for a deeper look at episode 12x22, metaphors, and Dean being bi, keep scrolling because we’re going to get into that holy hand grenade - Supernatural’s Grenade Launcher, the weapon that Dean has loved since season one but always got shamed out of using; shamed out of using UNTIL 12x22; an episode literally titled, ‘Who We Are’.   

After which Dean loses Castiel and goes into the Widower arc ... ok. ... Cool. I’ll just read nothing into any of that shall I?

(cont under the cut)

Okay first- ‘what grenade launcher? I don’t remember a grenade launcher?’

Dean has a grenade launcher in the trunk that we’ve never seen him use. It's been there at least since episode 1x02. He has assigned a gender to the grenade launcher, calling it ‘she’ like his car.  It has appeared multiple times, but one noteworthy time was two episodes ago when Dean was showing his arsenal to Max Barnes, the openly gay witch hunter, in 12x20. Mmmhmm, nothing to see there. Nothing about the slow progression of Dean learning to accept himself. Nothing about Dean opening his trunk up to a canonically gay man.

Dean often wants to use  it  her, but  it’s  she’s impractical,  it’s  she’s not stealthy.  The thing is unsafe, and other characters are constantly telling him no, put it back, don’t bring it, don’t use it. (See 12x05) 

When Dean lost his memory - when he would have seen no reason NOT to use it, one of the other characters reminded him with a post-it note: this thing that you want to do, that’s a natural instinct for you, don’t do it. (See 12x11)

[gif credit to @demondetox​ & ​ @shirtlesssammy​]

Okay, now that we have a bit of primer - let’s talk about 12x22.  There’s a lot to unpack in this episode.

Mary has been brainwashed and the boys have been locked in the bunker to die.  After trying magic and pickaxes (shout out to “goggles? goggles.”), Dean realizes it is time. Time to tear down his big concrete wall with something, "Big, Beautiful, and Dumb" regardless of what the British lady in the bunker says, and he's getting no more resistance from Sam.

"I have had this thing for so long, I have been waiting for the *perfect* moment to use this."

We've been seeing the grenade launcher for 12 seasons, and in how many episodes and they just happen to have Dean finally use it to break OUT by breaking DOWN walls in an episode titled ‘WHO WE ARE’?!  

Having torn down that wall with the grenade launcher, it becomes time to deal with other, less physical ones.  There are British Men of Letters to fight, Mary is still brainwashed, and there is no magical shortcut that is going to cut through. In a display of how far the characters have come, Sam is becoming a leader in a fight he originally wanted no part in [which the show will drop over and over for no reason] and Dean, well this one’s about Dean for me.

Dean fucked up his leg coming out ... of the bunker, I mean. Finally using the grenade launcher, it hurt, but it didn’t kill him.  An earlier Dean would have joined the fight at the men of letters compound anyway, prepared to die in a blaze of glory.  However, Dean has changed.  Instead he recognizes that going into a fight right now would be idiotic and he stays behind to fight with EMOTIONS instead of brawn.  It’s okay to Dean, and even his idea, to not go into the ‘manly’ fight.  Dean has become secure in himself enough to volunteer to go into the battle that requires being open and honest about feelings.  He initiates the hug and feelings talk with Sam, (only undercutting a lil with a classic 'bitch' 'jerk' call response). No chick flick moments indeed. 

So Dean and Sam hug, Sam promises Dean he’ll come back, and we move on to the most important scene in the episode. Dean has broken through mind control with feelings before, with Cas in season 8 episode 17 when we had the infamous ‘We need you. I need you’ moment (though apparently Jensen Dean  was still guarded enough that this was not an ‘I love you’.) but this time Dean goes into Mary’s psyche; Mary who has been a stand in all season for who Dean was emotionally before his character growth.

The viewer is expecting some big declaration of love, that’s how dean broke through last time.  But no. That’s not what we get. 

Dean finally lets out his true feelings. About his childhood. About John. About Mary’s death.  About everything that has ever happened to Sam. The walls are coming down.   Dean is honest with someone about the resentment he feels (which should be directed at John) about the responsibility that was put on him as a child.   In sharp contrast to his reaction to Mary’s guilt at the beginning of the season, of Dean as the perpetual caretaker, now Dean gets to acknowledge his own feelings, that he does blame Mary and her deal for what they went through.  Watch this scene.  He hates her and he loves her. okay. 

Yes, Dean got to use the grenade launcher, but it wasn’t in a climax of some epic battle.  It was in the ramp up - the beginning of an episode.

No, the climax of the episode was Dean comin to terms with feelings the character has had since season one.   We’ve been looking at this grenade launcher for 12 years, but we’ve been witnessing Dean’s feelings here for just as long & Dean takes his emotional predecessor, Mary, along with him. 

I will skip past the fight scene between him and ketch - which is actually impressive given the horse tranquilizer he’d been given.  Instead, I want to get to 12x23, to his reunion with Castiel. 

Dean has used the grenade launcher. Dean has accepted himself and admitted something to himself that you can’t even really see until you look back at this episode’s placement retrospectively.  Dean is no longer trying to fight with Castiel, he just wants to help him.  Castiel heals Dean’s major knee injury and Dean, well we get an interesting jacting joice: 

in fact, the moment continues with a lil half smile and Dean looking down and checking his knee, I’m just having trouble getting a gif or a video to make one from.  Throughout the entire episode Cas routinely addresses Dean specifically despite being in a group at all times. Cas later makes a run at Lucifer and Sam wrestles a yelling concerned Dean away and back through the rift, just as Dean wrestled him away from Jess in the pilot.

At the end of this episode Cas is killed in front of Dean, who for the first time doesn't continue on in the fight, instead dropping to his knees. This all flows right into Dean’s intense season 13 widower arc.   Dean feels Cas’s death in a way we have never seen him grieve before. 

Ho.ly.Shit.

"Who We Are". 

It gets another use later in the series in the same episode where Dean also wears a live action version of the pink sleeping gown he wore in scoobynatural, but we’ll get to that later.

[watermelonlipstick]

Back

School has been kicking my ass lately, but I found some time to write this little warm and fuzzy nothing. I’d love any advice or critiques!

Title: Back

Pairing: Sam Winchester x Reader

Word Count: 1915

Summary: Getting back to find the reader has been waiting for the Winchesters to get home from a hunt, Sam is a little nervous and more than a little happy.

Warnings: mutual pining fluff only!

           Sam and Dean walked down bunker stairs slowly, their bones aching with the work of the last week. They had changed into clean clothes to drive through the night back to Kansas, but their hands and hair bore the telltale mud and blood of a hunt, and they badly needed to shower. Walking into the library, Sam took his duffel bag off his shoulder and dropped it unceremoniously but quietly.

           Curled up in a chair on the other end of the table, you slept wrapped in a blanket and draped over the old wood. Your hair ground into your folded arms and the huge book you had been reading, and the pressure of your head on your cheek pouched your lips out a touch. Sam brushed his palms on his jeans somewhat fruitlessly in an effort not to dirty your face as he brushed a chunk of hair back from your temple.

           “Hey,” he whispered in a low voice, his hand hovering over your shoulder. “We’re home.”

           You woke with a small jolt, peeking open one eye to look up at Sam. A sleepy smile spread across your eyes as you arched back to stretch. “Hey, handsome,” you answered in the croaky voice of a nap. “How’d it go?”

           “All good, no major injuries. You should be in bed,” he said, a smirk playing at the corner of his mouth.

           “Carry me?” you asked. The shy smile on your face betrayed you as only half joking.

           Sam chuckled as Dean came over to them. “He smells like sweat and swamp monster ass,” Dean offered.

           “Thanks Dean,” Sam said sarcastically, his voice still low. “He’s right though. Still want me to?”

           You nodded with closed eyes, your contented smile showing through even as you yawned. “Dean, there’s lasagna in the fridge if you want it.” As an aside to Sam you mouthed, “vegetarian.” Sam’s eyes crinkled at the edges as he offered his arms out to you. You got up and put your arms around Sam’s neck, letting him ease you up into his chest. Your calves and socked feet dangled over his forearm.

           “You’re the best,” Dean insisted, gripping an invisible fist of victory. He gathered up the blanket and stacked it on top of your stomach.

           “Don’t stay up too late,” you hummed to Dean while nuzzling your head into the crook of Sam’s neck.

           “I won’t, kid. I promise.” He leaned over and kissed you on the cheek. “Goodnight.”

           Sam nodded to Dean over you, jerking his head toward the kitchen to show he’d meet his brother in a minute. He carried you back to your room and lowered you down onto your bed before spreading the blanket out on top of you.

           “You didn’t need to wait up for us,” Sam said.

           “I know, but I wanted to see you.”

           “Well I won’t lie, it feels a lot more like home to come back to you than an empty bunker,” he smiled.

           “Oh yeah?” you asked with a sly grin.

           “Definitely.”

           “Will you come sleep here?” Your eyebrow crooked up in question. It was loaded, definitely a pretty big step further down the tightrope you and Sam had been walking. But it had felt right to ask, and you fought back the impulse to take it back or turn it into a joke. Sam’s eyebrows lifted in soft, hopeful surprise, and it changed his whole face.

           “I can if you want me to,” he answered, running a hand through his hair. “Are you sure?”

           “Yeah, I think so.” The hesitation in your voice made his pulse race despite his fatigue.

           “Uh, ok, yeah. Just let me eat something and shower and I’ll be here, I promise. Don’t wait up though.”

           You nodded, trying to fight a smile by biting your lip, then pulled the blanket up under your chin and closed your eyes. Sam lingered in the doorframe for a moment, watching the light from the hallway fall on the swells and angles of your body before going to the kitchen with Dean.

           Dean was already halfway into a plate of lasagna by the time Sam got there and took off his jacket.

           “Dude, she’s outdone herself. This is awesome,” Dean said through the last third of a mouthful before swallowing.

           “Yeah, she’s pretty great, isn’t she?” Sam asked as he walked to the fridge.

           Dean looked up smugly over his fork. “What’s going on with that anyway?”

           Sam closed the microwave door on a plate of lasagna and turned toward Dean. “Uh, I mean, I don’t know. She asked me to sleep with her.” Dean half-choked on a bite, coughing and grabbing at his beer bottle. His brother realized his mistake, making an exasperated face before correcting himself. “Not like that, Jesus. Like literally sleep in her room.” Dean pounded his chest with a closed fist and fought through a hoarse throat.

           “Are you going to?”

           “I mean, yeah. Why, should I not?” Sam’s eyes widened.

           “I don’t know what you should or shouldn’t do, man. Just seems awfully boyfriend-experience to me,” Dean said, his hands up in faux surrender.

           “Well, yeah,” Sam conceded, getting his plate out of the microwave.

           “So you’re her boyfriend?” Dean looked incredulous.

           “Dean, I don’t know,” Sam whined as he sat down across from his brother.

           “Fine, whatever, I’ll leave you alone about it. But know that I’m going to be pissed if things get weird between you two and she leaves. Aside from the extra backup, I can’t go back to Marie Calendar and beef jerky after this.”

           Sam nodded placatingly.  

           You had dozed off, waking up when some lizard part of your brain realized the light had shifted in the room. Sam filled the doorway in an old t-shirt and flannel pajama pants slung low enough on his hips to expose a little sliver of skin when he walked. The smell of shampoo crossed the room as if being unfurled from his still-damp hair, the clean familiarity of it making your joints relax even further than they had in sleep. He saw the heavy lids of your eyes for the second time that night, and felt a pang of nervous affection.

           “Do you still want me to, ah..?” Sam whispered like a gravel road at dusk.

           You nodded, folding back the comforter next to you. He walked over, messing with the hem of his shirt like a shy teenager before crawling gently into bed. He didn’t know what to do. It felt like the first time he’d ever slow-danced with a girl at some stupid school formal—Mandy Jacobsen, freshman year of high school, wearing a shirt Dean had outgrown but was still too loose to be tucked in properly and his dad’s shoes—not knowing where to put his hands or whether it was better or worse to press against you. You waited a beat before rolling to your back to mirror him.

           “Is this too weird?” you asked.

           “No, no. Sorry, I just—I’m just a little keyed up from the hunt I guess.” Sam cursed himself in his head; you knew they’d driven over 7 hours to get back, it made no sense that he’d still be on an adrenaline rush. He was grateful when you didn’t say anything.

           “Was it gross? When you guys had me look up bunyips I was so glad I didn’t come with on the stomp-around-in-the-swamp job.”

           He chuckled quietly. “You would’ve hated it. We had to change before Dean would even unlock the car.”

           “How’d you get back to the motel to change if he wouldn’t unlock it?”

           “No, like out on the side of the road.”

           “So you and Dean were naked on the side of the road in—where was it?”

           “Stringtown, Oklahoma.”

           “In Stringtown, Oklahoma, and didn’t get arrested?”

           “It’s pretty rural.”

           “Well thank God for that,” you giggled, turning onto your side to face him. “I would’ve had to take that stupid little Volkswagen to come and get you. You’d have needed a double knee replacement by the time we crossed the state line.”

            “Then I’m even more glad.” Sam’s profile was fuzzy in the dark but you could hear his smile. When he turned to face you the tiny amount of ambient light glinted off his teeth. “I missed you,” he added, so quietly you almost couldn’t hear him from inches away.

           “I missed you too,” you breathed.

           Sam shifted to his side and tentatively reached out to tuck a piece of hair behind your ear. “I didn’t mean to wake you up, you should go back to sleep.”

           “Are you going to leave if I do?”

           “Not if you don’t want me to.” His thumb was gentle and callused against your cheek, brushing absentmindedly.

           “I don’t want you to.” You twisted away from him to curl back against his chest. Sam got those same heart-thumping sweaty palms he had with Mandy Jacobsen and hoped you couldn’t feel the thrum of his pulse against you, suddenly aware of how thin the fabric separating you two was. He felt gangly and awkward in his filled-out 32 year old body, and kind of stupid for it; less than an hour ago he’d held you in his arms and he couldn’t even estimate the amount of times his hands had roamed your skin, feeling for broken bones and shards of glass or stitching up a gash. He was trying to remember what the natural thing to do here was when you reached behind to his side and pulled his arm over you, laying his palm out below your sternum and lacing your fingers in his. His hand spanned a wide swath of your torso and made you feel delicate, like something precious. After a moment, Sam let the weight of his arm settle over top of you like a cloak, the pressure soothing and protective.

           You smelled like warm skin, fresh sheets, and the orange blossom soap you loved from the farmer’s market in the next town over. Sam inhaled deeply, nestling his face against your hair and feeling the heat from you and your body-warmed comforter seep into him, so opposite from the freezing bog water he’d been up to his thighs in earlier that day. He was having a hard time coming up with something that would be better than this and thought it might actually be ramping up his nerves, comfortable as it was. Instinctively he pressed his lips to your hair, feeling a jolt in his chest when it made you lean back into him.

           Seems awfully ‘boyfriend-experience’ to me ran through his head and he felt an overwhelming ache. If this was the boyfriend experience, he wanted nothing else in the world. He felt your breath deepen under his palm and the weight of your body began to sink a bit in that telltale way that told him you were falling back asleep. Sam listened for a long minute to the rhythm of it.

           “I love you,” he breathed, just to hear what it sounded like.

           “I love you too, Sam,” you murmured, barely opening your mouth.

           Sam had no time to feel embarrassed you’d heard him, hadn’t been fully asleep, as his chest swelled with helium. He shifted his calf to cover your cold feet and smiled, all to himself, into the darkness. It took him hours to drift off, but he didn’t care. There was no place he’d rather be.

-

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[self-loathing-angel-of-thursday2]

Beautiful Spouse’s Rewatch Thoughts SPN 14x06 Optimism

“What sane person can cancel a show like this?” “unless of course I’m not sane anymore” You’ve got the brainrot pretty bad

“I feel like we’ve seen her before” “this is very strange music” “this is awful” “what’s all this white knighting bullshit about?” “Why the hell are they both wearing plaid?” “wait - she already shot him down?” “and 3 2 1 brutal murder” “yeah there we go. I was a little off” “Ok Jack” “who are? For a minute there, I thought Jack meant Bobby and Mary” “this is other Charlie? It’s one way to bring her back” “zero tint. Whatsoever. trying not to stick out” ‘what?” “really?” “fridge cam” “the hell is Dean making? A quesadilla? Or extra cheesy burrito?” “isn’t that normally what Sam does? Why is he being weird at it?” “I don’t think I’ve ever been in a diner with this good of lighting” like that was a subtle thing - the rooster thing

“Is this a bit episode?” it’s like a hallmark movie

“Explain to me about the cock” the lady is talking about sex then he moves the rooster

Was he turning her down? Does he ever turn anyone down?” He does when Cas is around

“Who is bad luck?” “Why is he chewing on his fingernails? Nasty habit” “how is Charlie not in more episodes?” “I don’t light anyone on fire when our water gets shut off. like if they had to fix the pipe or something. Well shit” “Do you ever get the urge to light somewhere on fire?” No

“That whipped cream looks delicious. Is that a meringue?” Yeah

“Can’t say that I have. I’ll flip to the last 2/3rd of the book, read a page, and get a good laugh” laughter “what the hell was that?” “what’s with the music? You said hallmark. Is that what this is? I don’t think I’ve ever watched a hallmark movie” “I’d be more worried about the redhead. Unless Dean is following him” “nobody on that construction crew heard a damn thing. Shame” “might not want to be standing there. Seems a little fresh to be standing there” “our apartment never played music like that” “is this cologne?” “alien human hybrid” “what the fuck’ laughter

“Conveniently hung up at the same moment. You would have thought it skipped across the ground” “did he lock the door? The deadbolt is up and down. Those are weird deadbolts” “I half thought she was going to ask if Jack wanted to have sex” laughter

“who’s Archie? Isn’t his name Vance” He was making a reference to the Riverdale comics

“How do you know this? I’ve never watched the show, and you’ve never read the comics” I don’t know

“Oh she was joking. I see.” “so you’re gong to say to get creative without discussing the plan?” “what cleaner?” Pine cleaner

“ They can’t say pinesol. I don’t even know what that is” i don’t know either

“ Ik nowi it’s cleaning solution but I don’t know it’s intended use” “amazing how a single fly hasn’t landed on either of them.” “really you’re going to sniff the chloroform to double check?” “the fuck” “if that’s where the blowback went, then your gun wasn’t that far from her face. Not to mention being deaf” “Jack said not to, and there’s a zombie” “the fuck you doing?” “that’s a twist” “the played the long game on this one. Is that a typical hallmark thing?” “How do you know this is like a hallmark movie?” It just feels like one “he’s taking too long” “the fuck?” laughter

“I don’t think he has a choice” “I don’t understand what this is” What does Dean know about being in love? “Hmm let’s see here” “Jack wants the crazy talk. Oh never mind” “what the hell is wrong with Jack?” “well that’s not good”

[sarah-dipitous]

Hellsite Nostalgia Tour 2023 Day 333

Golden Time/Can You Hear Me?

“Golden Time”

Plot Description: Sam’s efforts to help Eileen include a trip to Rowena’s old place, where and ambush awaits. Castiel goes it alone as he works the case of a missing boy

(I thought Eileen was DEAD dead)

Would I Survive the First Five Minutes??: I don’t know if she’ll die but I hope she does. *I* wouldn’t trash Rowena’s residence (end of sentence…but I also wouldn’t do it and expect to live). Yeah. She’s dead. I’d be ok

Cas is goin by Clarence again 🥺

Eileen got dragged to hell by the hellhound that killed her…ok…but like…i can’t remember if that’s a new rule from Chuck or whatever because they’ve definitely taken a soul from hell to send to heaven before. They rescued Bobby, why can’t they do the same for Eileen?

What IS goin on with Dean? His nihilistic attitude is irritating

They were so cute and deserved more than they got (San and Eileen)

Oh are there witches keeping an eye on this place? But like, in a bad way

Not to bring in Stranger Things but this woman whose son is missing and her relation to the town is very much giving Winona Ryder’s character

Sam! No!! You cannot possibly be proposing bringing Mary back again! One, you KNOW she’s happy in heaven and two, you’ve still just clearly never watched fullmetal alchemist. OH!! Bring EILEEN back. That’s a lot better, for arbitrary reasons.

Ah fuck. The ambush. One of the witches looks vaguely familiar but apparently we’ve never seen her

This mom is really testing Cas’s patience

Yeah, just looking at Emily, I can tell her sister (and probably mother, too) didn’t like her (Omg the actress was Bree in the Twilight series…she apparently was also in an episode in 2006)

They found her son! Oh and the sheriff is behind it all. Cas stabbing him to death was unnecessarily attractive

This best be three on three. Where are you Eileen?

Oh, no. Poor Emily 😭 I get that she was gonna kill Sam but she was a victim of her mother and sister’s abuse and deserved a longer life

Can a ghost choke out another ghost?? Neither are alive nor need to breathe

Why is your power fading, Cas??? I hate this

Castiel being at all happy makes me worried, and that sucks (12 more episodes til THE one)

I’m glad they at least allowed her to wrap a towel around herself before Sam turned around

Dean being proud of Sam and Sam needing Dean by his side to defeat god ����

(Ok but like I’m glad we got some explanation for why people were saying Sam ended up marrying Eileen off screen in the finale)

“Can You Hear Me?”

Plot Description: a cry for help from across the stars. Terrifying creatures in 1380 Aleppo. And in Sheffield, something is infecting people’s nightmares. The Doctor and friends investigate

That felt very first five minutes of a Supernatural episode, not Doctor Who

Does Chris Chinball not trust people to write their own episodes??

Oh, Doc. She doesn’t want to be without her friends for more than a few moments 😭 she wants to skip straight to tomorrow

Why’s Ryan’s friend need like five locks on his door?

Girl, who are you talking to?? Oh she just automatically assumes her companions are with her

Oh it’s like an especially jacked werewolf but weirder. HER SCREWDRIVER ISNT PICKING UP A SPECIES AT ALL??

I thought their nightmares were supposed to be invaded, they’re fully awake

Oh, Ryan’s friend is having the nightmares…and he’s seeing the dude from his nightmares all over the place. The locks make sense now

Yaz’s sister is an icon and a hero. I don’t care that she’s been fired from her last three jobs, sometimes customers need to be told they’re annoying. And she wasn’t afraid to tell them

What are Yaz and her sister…not celebrating but acknowledging with this dinner and a movie? I hope we get told

Oh that’s the guy from the TARDIS, and I’m sure that’s also the guy Ryan’s friend has been seeing in his nightmares

I didn’t know that guy ate an offshoot of the chop chop fruit! Still…I prefer Buggy to this creep, and it seems he can only remove his fingers and…do…something…

It’s not all the time that the Doctor takes someone from a time much much earlier than ours far into the future and to a different galaxy altogether

What if—I got really distracted by the fingers covering so much of this place. I have a bad feeling about the girl Graham wants to save, but that might be my previous experience this evening with ambushes

So this dude can create your worst nightmares if he sticks one of his fingers in your ear. Gross

Seems we’re getting bits and pieces of what Yaz and her sister were acknowledging in her nightmare

Ryan is getting flashbacks from orphan 55 combined with his friend guilting him for not being there

And of course Graham has Grace angry he didn’t save her while also being told he’s sick and dying

What the fuck did that girl do to this guy that he’s torturing her with EVERYONE’S nightmares?!

Ah, fuck. I knew she shouldn’t have been freed. All of what this dude did was a ruse to get the Doctor to free the more powerful immortal…these two bet each other on who could cause more death and destruction on two innocent planets?

Again with the finger to the ear 😑

Yeah, I figured hers would be about Gallifrey (and to a lesser extent I thought it would be about this subtle timeless child plotline)

I love Ryan so much. He had ZERO tact telling his friend where they were and how they got there. Fantastic

Interesting how the guy wants to immediately gorge on nightmares and she wants to savor them

I’m less and less impressed with his power especially after seeing her smoky tendrils collecting nightmares

Oh damn!! They managed to trap the immortals by using the girl from Aleppo’s nightmare creatures and the guy immortal’s fingers

Something is going to happen to this woman who’s come to help bring Yaz back home, isn’t it? Maybe not…why was this THE nightmare for Yaz?

This is literally the first time 13 has had this kind of one on one emotional conversation with a companion, and it’s Graham

I WISH we were gonna go see Mary Shelley, but that probably won’t happen

[chessieshire]

Processing my thoughts here.

I've been rewatching Cas and Dean scenes and moments where I know they talk about each other to analyze their reactions. Why? Because I wanted to assess for myself how I think Dean feels about Cas. I like to think I have pretty good intuition or so I've been told throughout my life. Track record of it is pretty good with the results.

When you grow up walking on eggshells having to assess people's behavior and emotions in order to protect yourself and others it becomes a necessary survival skill.

So what do I think so far? Ok so Dean is definitely bi so let's get that out of the way.

I personally think Dean has been subconsciously attracted to Cas and has felt love for him as a best friend or brother up until season 12 when I believe Dean actually fell in deep love with Cas.

I believe the moment Dean fell in love with Cas was when Cas killed Billy to save the 3 of them and then says he doesn't care if he loses his own life as a consequence.

I think before that moment Dean really did feel dead inside from being locked up in solitude for almost 2 months. Then when Cas made that huge risk to his own life to save theirs I believe it brought Dean's emotions back to life. Like a cosmic jumpstart.

Obviously Dean's an emotionally suppressed dum dum (I am too it takes one to know one) that he wasn't aware of falling in love with Cas he was just reacting to his frustrations, confusions, and concern for Cas and the "cosmic consequences". Hence the marital bickering in the next episode.

I believe that Dean started to realize he was in love with Cas when he almost died by the poisonous/venomous lance. When Cas said he loves him looking at Dean and loves them all. Dean started to realize he loved him romantically as he almost lost him again but probably still didn't "get" what kind of love Cas meant towards him.

Then Dean's dealing with too much confusion about it. He was so upset with Cas leaving and not responding to his messages it triggered his abandonment issues while Mary was also "needing space" at the same time that made those triggers worse. He had told Cas previously that he's his and Sam's best friend and brother (probably to observe his reaction to that to get a hint of how Cas felt) but he's obtuse so he probably felt like Cas loved him like a bro.

Not to mention season 7 when Dean is telling Kevin that he doesn't believe angels have the equipment to care and when they try they breakdown.

So I can see how it never occurred to him about Cas being in love with him and why he'd continue to suppress his own emotions and try distracting them with countless women. Despite cutting down on the sexual conquests in the last few seasons because they probably didn't work much anymore as a distraction and he got a piece of the void filled with merely Cas's friendship.

Edited to add: (oh shit how could I forget to point out?! So the last time Dean canonically had sex was season 12 episode 18 while Cas was missing and Dean was extremely upset with him. Dean was trying to distract his feelings about Cas and it no longer worked in my opinion. He looked more distracted than usual and when he told Sam how his night was he had to say awesome 3 times like he was trying to convince himself. Hence the last time he sleeps with a woman. From this point on Dean doesn't have anymore one night stands. ...carry on...)

Without a doubt Dean was unsure if angels in general could actually fall in love and felt like it was less painful to not pursue a romantic relationship due to the job and how either one of them could die for any reason.

If Cas had been human and there were no more monsters and demons and supernatural shit to hurt and kill people I'm confident that they would've been hooking up. It would've ruled out the complicated job risks and made clear that Cas is capable of feeling romantic love for somebody.

The times that Dean was actually angry at Cas and not "pretend angry but actually worried" were because he was offended that Cas didn't trust him and that Cas took off without an explanation or response. It just added to Dean's fears of Cas being incapable of feeling true love for him because he's an angel.

When Dean prayed to Cas in season 15 I think he was going to finally confess he loved him. But time was of the essence. As it always is and then they never get a moment after that to really talk to each other until Cas confessed his love.

Edit: Can I check this one off?! Because it really does sound like Dean says, "I...(breathy pause) I-love...(huff pause) you-don't know why I get so angry." *thinks* Yeahhhh it counts dammit! ✅

The episode after Dean's confession is Garth showing him being with someone is possible with their complicated backgrounds and jobs and he dances with a lamp and blows it a kiss. Whether or not the lamp really is a stand in for Cas it definitely is a representation of something or someone Dean truly wants.

He yearns for sharing love with someone.

Edit: Can I sorta check this one off? Ehhhh...maybe??? The guy that plays Garth (sorry I don't want to misspell the actor's name) stated that there was hidden subtext for romantic love with Dean and another character. He didn't say the subtext was "lamp" though since he thought this scene was meant to be fun...but...I think maybe it still could be if he was unaware of it. Since I'm hearing the dance choreographer says there's deeper meaning.

In season 11 Dean asked Jesse and his husband Cesar about what was it like settling down with a hunter. He was thinking about it! He wanted to know not only for Sam but for himself as well! He asked a GAY COUPLE which clues me in on maybe because they made him think of him and Cas. Maybe subconsciously anyway.

Dean never gets the opportunity to express how he truly feels other than anger, forgiveness, and brotherly love towards people and that's some toxic masculinity bullshit!

When Cas left to the Empty Dean was completely breaking down not just because he lost Cas but because he felt he lost his only chance at a happy life with a significant other who understands him.

And then the next episodes made no fucking sense. Read a bit like "oh well now I'm relieved I didn't have to confess my deep love for a dude and can move on! Mmmmmm...pie!"

(my phone autocorrected to "mmmmmm... Pierre" and I was like 👀 even my phone's like Dean is bi and looking for a french dude to take his mind off Cas lolll)

So to summarize...Dean Winchester loves Castiel and the last 2 episodes is some outrageous bullshit and I'll never get over it unless by some miracle Jensen obtains the rights to the show and fixes it!

[apocalypseornaw]

Soulmate AU Series- Dean

Whatever injury your soulmate gets leaves a mark on you.

Soulmates were something Dean never believed in. Hell he'd seen the hell losing his mom had put his dad through. Whoever John had been before Mary's death was long gone. Why would he put himself or anyone else through that?

When he was sixteen the first bruise blossomed across his upper back that he couldn't remember where it'd came from and plus if it was his bruise wouldn't it be sore? "It's your soulmate Dean" Sam walked in the bathroom behind him where he was staring in the mirror and leaned against the doorframe. He quickly shrugged his shirt back on and glared at his little brother "That's a poor sucker to get stuck with me imagine the marks she carries?"

Sam followed him out the bathroom "Are you ever going to look for her?" Dean really didn't want to get frustrated with him, Sammy was only twelve. He didn't quite realize how much of a death sentence soulmates were. "Maybe one day. Now finish your homework"

-----------------------

From that day forward Dean checked to see if any new bruises or marks had appeared that he couldn't account for which was easier said than done. Hunting wasn't exactly easy on the body. 

He'd imagine his soulmates reactions to the bruises and marks that appeared on her skin. What did she think of him? He would trace every new mark that came from her and wonder what happened.

------------------------

When Sam left for Stanford and he was left to hunt on his own the soulmate marks were the only connection he had to another human being when John would go m.i.a.

The stares he'd get from women he bedded when they'd see the marks took a lot of explaining. "What is wrong with her?" They'd ask and most of the time he'd find himself getting weirdly protective over someone he never met.

--------------------

Years later he'd gotten used to the marks that weren't his. A black eye he hadn't taken a punch for, a black and blue stomach that hadn't got kicked. The almost silver marks that came from when she got hurt bad enough for it to scar. He knew she had to be in some line of work that was hard. There were times after Sam rejoined him on the road that he has questioned if maybe his big brother's soulmate was a hunter as well but Dean shot him down on that "What would be the chances of that man?"

--------------------

You slowly climbed off Garth's couch and tentatively touched the cut on your right arm. Damn okami was faster than you'd thought.

"Garth! I'm gonna grab a quick shower then head back out!" You hollered grabbing clothes out the top of the bag nearest to you. He came around the corner with two cups of coffee "Or you could hang around a bit. I've got someone headed here I kind of wanted you to meet" you took the coffee he offered but leveled him with a questioning glare "who?"

His phone went off with an alert and he grinned when he read it "Grab your shower just hang around ok?" You sighed "Fine!" And took your coffee then headed for the bathroom.

--------------------

"What did Garth say he needed help with?" Dean asked Sam as he drove. Sam shrugged "He didn't really, just asked if we could come to his place" Dean nodded not really thinking about Garth or a possible hunt. His mind was on the long silver mark that had popped up on his right arm two days before. It was deep and jagged. She must have been hurt pretty badly. "You ok Dean?" "Huh? Yeah man just wondering if Garth has called us two states over because he wants someone to play pictionary with again"

--------------------

When Dean and Sam pulled up to Garth's cabin he was outside before baby was even shut off. "Yeah he's acting more squirrelly than usual" Dean noticed but Sam simply shrugged.

"So what's the big emergency?" Dean asked shutting the door behind himself as he climbed out. Before Garth could answer the door to his cabin opened and a woman walked out. She was barefoot with hair still wet from the shower but what got Dean's attention was not only that she was gorgeous but the angry red slash running down her right arm. "Son of a bitch" he breathed subconsciously touching the mark on his own arm as if he could feel it through his jacket.

Garth smiled "Dean, Sam this is Y/N. Y/N this is Dean and Sam"

--------------------

You knew both Winchesters by reputation. Your dad had hunted with Bobby Singer enough and you'd spent enough time at Ellen's roadhouse to hear the names and stories. You'd never personally worked with them.

"Hey boys" you greeted then cut your eyes back at Garth "am I helping them on a hunt or something?"

Sam looked back at Dean and it was clear they were having their own conversation. After a moment Dean slid his jacket down then lifted the sleeve of his flannel shirt enough you could see the silver mark running down his arm right where the Okami had slashed you. "Son of a bitch" you cursed without thinking. Your soulmate was Dean Fucking Winchester.

Sam laughed "Yeah Garth wanna offer me some coffee?" Garth lead the way into the house leaving you standing on the porch and Dean on the bottom doorstep.

You walked down to sit on the bottom step then patted next to you. Dean hesitantly sat down. After a moment he said "I've heard your name before from Bobby" you nodded "Bobby knew my dad. He got killed on a hunt a few years before Bobby died." he realized he'd been staring at you while you spoke. He could listen to you talk forever. He finally cleared his throat and said "So I guess you're my soulmate?" You half smiled "Guess so? Sorry if I'm not what you were expecting"

He looked at you like you'd grown a second head "Gorgeous and a good enough hunter to have Bobby's respect. What's not to like?" You laughed and bumped his shoulder with your own "You're not so bad yourself Winchester"

You saw the faraway look he had so you added "Look Dean this doesn't have to be anything more than friends. Just because we're tied together doesn't mean you have to be with me"

He nodded then asked "but what if I wanted to take you for a beer later?" You felt your heart flutter when you looked into those green eyes "I'd say yes. Who knows maybe we can compare marks sometime too? Find out the stories behind them from each other" his grin deepened "Sounds good to me sweetheart" yeah maybe Dean could wrap his head around having a soulmate after all.

[tweedlydumbtweedlydoo]

Spencer Reid x reader

Request: You’re being interviewed about a potential unsub by two handsome FBI agents, but the tall, baby faced, tie and sweater wearing man has caught your attention. 

// Anon request:  Hey I saw your requests were open! I really like your series about Reid and I thought a series or one shot about baby season one Reid and Morgan going to a bar to interview women about an unsub and the woman they ask is super pretty and kinda has everyone’s attention but just like shamelessly flirts with Reid and ignores everyone else lol. //

A/N: baby season 1 Reid is just precious. I can see him getting super flustered and embarrassed about the attention from such a pretty woman then Morgan teasing him about it. Ugh so cute. Thank you for your request!! xx 

**MASTERLIST**

Requests: {OPEN} CLOSED

I am currently taking requests for:

The Vampire Diaries/The Originals

Elijah Mikaelson

Damon Salvatore

Criminal Minds:

Spencer Reid

Derek Morgan

Supernatural: (I’m only up to season 2 at the moment, so please don’t give requests with spoilers)***

Sam Winchester 

Dean Winchester 

********************************************************************************************NOT MY GIF, CREDIT TO OWNER 

You grabbed the beer bottles off the bar and threw them in the trash, then began wiping the bar top off. Only a few more hours and your shift would be over and you could go home. Out of the corner of your eye you spotted two men take a seat at the bar, “I’ll be with you in a moment.” 

You threw your rag in the trash and washed your hands then approached the men, “What can I get you boys?” You set two cocktail napkins in front of them and got a good look at the two men. Both were handsome but the one with the baby face, who pushed his glasses up on his nose was the one who caught your attention. This was not his scene and he stuck out like a sore thumb. His hair was slicked back and parted. He wore a sweater over a button up top and a tie tucked in the sweater. 

The dark skinned man pulled something out of his pocket and flashed his badge, “FBI. I’m Agent Derek Morgan and this is Dr. Spencer Reid. Can we ask you a few questions?”

Doctor? He looked a little young to be a doctor. You leaned against the bar, raking your eyes over Spencer and then smirking, “Aren’t you a little young to be a doctor?” 

Spencer’s face immediately turned red and stammering out a response, “I-I’m not that kind of doctor. I have three Ph.D.s in Chemistry, Engineering, and Mathematics.”  

You nodded, impressed, “That’s impressive, Dr. Reid.” 

“Thank you.. I can also read 20,000 words per minute and I have an I.Q of 187.” He flashed a smile and you laughed a little. He was just precious. 

Morgan looked between the two of you and smirked a little at Reid, “Anyways.” Derek spoke, “Can we have a minute of your time to ask questions?” 

“Sure. Anything for the handsome doctor.” You smiled at Spencer, who blushed and pushed his glasses on his face, running his hand over his hair. 

Derek began asking about if you’d seen a man who kept to himself and would get embarrassed by talking to women, but would come in here often and sit for hours. Never meeting anyone and kept his eyes on the women around the bar. 

You knew exactly who he was talking about, “Yeah, there is one guy who comes in all the time. But I don’t know his name.” You glanced at the end of the bar, “He always sits at the end of the bar.” 

“Yeah, that’s the perfect spot for him to view the whole bar.” Spencer says, looking around at the bar. “When does he come in?” 

You turned around and looked at the clock behind you before turning back to the men, “Usually around 6.” 

Derek turns to Spencer and gives a small smirk, “That’s only in a few hours. How about you stay here and wait for the unsub and I’ll head back to the precinct to help the team?” 

Spencer’s eyes go wide, “What? Why?” The thought of Spencer having to stay at the bar alone with the most beautiful woman, terrified him. 

Derek’s eyes glance at you and then back at Spencer, “Well, to see if the unsub comes here, of course.” He chuckles, patting Spencer on the back, “Call if he shows up.” Then he walks out of the bar leaving you and Spencer alone. 

“You know I won’t bite.” You say, laughing, grabbing him a beer and sliding it over to him. 

“I didn’t..I didn’t order one.” He says, looking at the beer and back at you. 

“I know, but you’re in a bar. And you need to look the part.” You make your way around the bar to him at the stool. “Face me.” 

He turns in the stool, facing you, “What are you doing?” He asks as your hands go to his sweater. Usually, he hated people to touch him, but for you, he’d let you do anything to him.

“Look, you stick out like sore thumb here. If that guy walks in and sees you like this, he’ll know something is up.” You begin unbuttoning his sweater, smirking as you see him gulp. You were making him nervous and you loved the hell out of it. 

He slips the sweater off, “What about now? Do I still stick out?”  

You step back to get a good look at him and tilt your head, “Take off the tie and unbutton your shirt a couple buttons.” 

He glances down at his tie before looking at you, which you nod, “Go ahead.” His hands fiddle with the top button of his shirt, having issues. 

You step closer to him, “Let me help.” 

His eyes look everywhere but yours as you unbutton the buttons for him. You laugh softly, “Never had a girl undress you before?” 

He gulps a little, “Not one as beautiful as you.” He breaths out, finally looking at you. You blush and pat the shirt, “There. Now you fit in.” Taking his things, you return back behind the bar and put his stuff with yours. 

~ 

You spend the next few hours working behind the bar, doing your job, but anytime you were free, you spoke with Spencer. Finally, the man you were talking about comes in. You make your way to Spencer, who is still sipping on the first beer you gave him, “That’s the guy I was talking about.” You motion behind Spencer who turns and spots the guy walking through the crowd and taking a seat at the bar. 

“Okay, let me call Morgan.” He pulls out his phone and steps off the stool, making his way to the exit. 

You walk over to the guy to take his order then serve a few other people before your shift is up. You grab your things from under the counter, “Hey, Mary, if that guy that was sitting here comes back, tell him his things are under the counter.”  Mary nods, “Ok, y/n, have a good night!” 

You smile, “you two!” You walk out the back, digging through your bag for your keys, “Where the hell are my keys?” You mumble, stopping to continue looking through your bag. Multitasking was not your strong suit. 

~

When Spencer arrives back at the bar, he sees your gone. He can’t help but feel a bit disappointed. He enjoyed your company and he was going to ask you out on a date if he could gather the courage. He sadly sighed before his eyes wandered to the end of the bar. The man who was seated there has vacated.  Oh no. He quickly rushes up the bartender who took your place, “The woman who worked here, y/n, where did she go?” He couldn’t take the chance, he had to make sure you were safe. 

“You just missed her.” Mary says motioning to the exit. 

Spencer quickly rushes out of the exit, glances around the alley. You’re no where in sight. Your purse and belongings are tossed around the alley. Then he hears it, a faint scream. He quickly dials Morgan, “Morgan, we’re around back, he’s got another victim.” He runs towards the scream and finds the man dragging you by your hair, a gun against your back. 

You scream and thrash against the mans grasp, “Let go of me!” The man stops and back hands you, “Shut the hell up!” The slap is enough to send you to the pavement. 

“FBI, freeze!” Spencer yells, his gun pointed directly at the man. 

If you weren’t in a hostage situation you would have been swooning over Dr. Reid and how sexy he looked. 

The man grabs you and uses you as a shield, the gun going against your temple. You whimper and grip onto the mans arm as it wraps tighter around your neck. 

“Let her go and drop you weapon!” Spencer takes a step closer, his gun still raised. He knows he can’t get a clean shot, not without hitting you. 

“Drop your gun or I-I’ll shoot her!”  The man says, digging the gun against your temple. 

You look at Spencer, eyes filled with tears. He gulps a little, “we know what you’ve done. With all those women. It’s over for you.” He takes another step, seeing the rest of his team sneaking up from behind the man. Morgan nods at Spencer, signally he has a clear shot. 

You scream as a shot goes off. The man’s hold on you releases as he drops against the concrete, a gunshot wound to his shoulder. 

Spencer rushes to you, kicking the gun away from him. He pulls you in his arms and backs away from him, “It’s okay, you’re okay.” He whispers softly against your hair. 

You whimper against Spencer’s chest, “He jumped me in the alley. I was looking through my purse for my keys.” You can feel his heart beating fast through his chest

His hand goes to your back, rubbing in circles, “it’s okay. It’s over.” He pulls back a little to get a good look at you. Your lip is busted and there’s a small cut on your forehead. He gently touches your cheek. “Let’s go get that checked out.” 

You nod as he leads you to the ambulance. He leaves you with the EMT and heads back inside to grab his things, then goes back to his team. After they finish cleaning you up, you walk over to him and the team standing at the SUV, “Hey Dr. Reid.” 

He turns and looks down at you, fixing his hair,“Yeah?” 

“I think I owe you a drink. You know, for saving my life.” Spencer doesn’t say anything, he’s not sure what to say. 

“I’m asking you on a date. It’s a yes or no question.” You laugh softly. 

“Say yes, kid!” Morgan yells from the SUV. 

Spencer turns to the SUV, giving Morgan a look, his face beat red and turns back to you. “Sorry, yes, I would love that.” 

You smile softly before leaning up and pressing a soft kiss on his cheek, “I left my number in your sweater pocket, call me?” You step back from him and he nods, watching you walk away. 

“Pretty boy got him a date with the hot bartender!” Morgan teases as Spencer opens the door to the SUV.

“Shut up,” he mumbles, getting in the back, his things laying in the seat. He grabs his sweater and sure enough, in his pocket is your number. 

*****************************************************************************************************

Hope you enjoyed it! xx 

[rizlowwritessortof]

Meant To Be - Chapter 3

Dean and Jordan are each trying to escape their painful pasts. Their chance meeting and a dangerous encounter begins a relationship that may give them both a new start.

Pairing: Police Detective Dean Winchester/Jordan Taylor

Word Count: 2038

Warnings: None.

Aesthetic by @editsbymichele on Instagram; Dividers by @firefly-graphics​ 

Jordan rolled over and shut off her alarm, yawning and stretching. The last few days had been a whirlwind, but she was starting to get used to waking up in her new surroundings. Donna’s apartment was bright and sunny, pretty much like the woman herself. She had welcomed Jordan with open arms, literally, and immediately installed her in the second bedroom, down the hall from Donna’s room.

After taking a week to settle in, at Sam’s insistence, she was ready to start her new job at Winchester Law. Sam was picking her up in a couple of hours to get her acquainted with the office and do all the annoying paperwork involved, so she climbed out of bed and headed for the shower. As she got ready to step in, she remembered that her tiny sample shampoo had run out the morning before, and she sighed, grabbing a towel to wrap around herself as she headed out to look for her new roomie.

She walked into the living room as she called out,  “Hey, Donna, do you have any shampoo I could borr…” The front door swung open as she was in mid-sentence, and Dean walked in, stopping dead in his tracks as he saw her. “Oh…shit.” Jordan clutched the towel around herself a little tighter, blushing to the roots of her hair. “Dean. Hi. I’m so embarrassed right now.”

Dean, however, looked incredibly pleased with himself, a slow grin spreading across his face, his eyes full of mischief. “Don’t be embarrassed on my account. I’m good.”

“Dean Winchester!” Donna’s voice scolded as she rushed by Jordan and directly over to her partner, turning him around and shoving him to the door. “What are you doing in here?”

Dean turned his head, a confused scowl on his face as he was forced into the hall. “What?! I always come in when I pick you up… coffee...”

“Go back to the car and wait for me, I’ll bring your coffee. You can’t just walk in here now, I’m not the only one who lives here, Dean. For Pete’s sake!”

“Sorry! For fuck’s sake, stop shoving me!” He turned around to grin at Jordan again. “It was really nice to see you, Jordan,” he said with a wink as Donna slammed the door closed in his face. They could hear his laughter as he headed down the hall, and in spite of her embarrassment, Jordan couldn’t smother a little smile.

“That man! I’m so sorry,” Donna apologized. “He has always just let himself in and got his coffee here, but I’m always up, dressed and ready to go before he gets here and it’s just a habit. I didn’t even think about it.”

Jordan shook her head. “Not your fault, I shouldn’t be wandering around in a towel. I just forgot my little bottle of shampoo ran out yesterday. Can I borrow some until I can get to the store?”

“Oh, honey, help yourself to anything you need from my shower! When I get home tonight, we’ll make a run to the store, get you stocked up.” She put a hand on Jordan’s shoulder. “I’m really sorry – are you okay?”

Jordan smiled, her cheeks still flushed pink. “I’m fine. I’ll just probably never hear the end of this.”

Donna nodded, her dimples showing, a sparkle in her eyes. “Oh, yeah, count on it. He’ll never let this one go. Well, I’d better get going. I’ll see you tonight.”

Dean shoved his desk drawer closed a little harder than necessary, and his partner shot him a look, shaking her head. “What? I hate desk duty.”

“Oh, I know. Which is why you have such a pile of paperwork there. Why don’t you just settle in and do it, get caught up while we’re stuck in here.”

He glared at Donna, then at the pile of papers on the corner of his desk. “Hate paperwork,” he muttered under his breath as he grabbed a handful of unfinished reports and opened his laptop.

“Just think how good it’ll feel to get all of that work finished and out of your hair.” Donna smiled, unfazed by the baleful look Dean shot her way.

“Leave it to me to get Miss Mary Sunshine as my partner,” he grumbled, and Donna’s smile grew wider.

“You’re welcome,” she grinned back at him, then went to work on her own stack.

Jordan jumped as a knock echoed through the apartment, rushing to the door and peering through the peephole. “Sam! Oh, Sam, you didn’t have to come up here and get me! I thought you’d just text me or something.”

Sam smiled, his dimples winking as he stepped inside. “I thought I could at least come up the first time I picked you up. Didn’t want to just sit outside and blow the horn.” Jordan laughed, grabbing her jacket from the couch.

“Ok, I guess I’m ready. I wasn’t sure how to dress...” She had debated for an hour, finally putting on a pair of dress slacks and a blouse, and she looked up at Sam for his approval.

“You could honestly wear whatever you want, I usually wear jeans. Whatever makes you comfortable, it doesn’t matter to me. In fact, a lot of the time you can probably just work from home if you want, after we get the office organized again. It’s kind of a disaster right now, sorry.”

“We’ll get it all sorted out, no worries. Once you fill me in on your filing system and how you want things done, I’ll get it taken care of.” She smiled up at him, ever amazed at how tall the man was. “Well, boss, we’re losing daylight.”

“Great. I hired a slave driver,” he teased, and they made their way out of the apartment together.

Jordan flopped onto the sofa with a satisfied smile, letting her head drop back as she let her mind wander over her day. There really was a lot of organizing to do in Sam’s office, due to his lack of help for the last few weeks, but she had made a pretty good dent. After this week, she could probably work out of the apartment most days, maybe go in one day a week to do filing and such. Sam was such an easy-going guy, he was going to be a dream to work for. And his fiance, Sarah, was so nice – she had stopped in during the day, and they hit it off right away.

Her phone rang and she grabbed it, smiling as she saw Dean’s name. “Hope that new boss of yours isn’t too much of an asshole,” he teased.

“Oh, he’s terrible! Even meaner than his brother.”

Dean laughed. “Yeah, I hear he’s a real jerk.”

“Well, nobody’s perfect,” she giggled in reply. “So what’s up, Detective Winchester?”

“Donna and I wondered if you’d be interested in going out for a couple of beers, maybe some pub food? Then we can stop off at the store so you can pick up what you need.”

“That sounds great – what time?”

“We’ll be there in about – 45 or so? If you can be ready by then.”

“No problem, I’ll be waiting, just give me a yell and I’ll come down.”

“Awesome. See you later.”

She sighed happily as she laid her phone back down, letting her eyes close for a moment. Dean’s face was right there, his eyes shining as he smiled at her, and she silently scolded herself. He wasn’t interested in her like that, and she needed to get a grip on her feelings before they carried her away. He was just a friend, and daydreaming about him wasn’t going to get her anywhere. “Slow your roll, Jordan,” she told herself firmly, then got up and went to her room to change.

Dean drove to Dooley’s Pub, the normal watering hole he and Donna frequented. It was a cop-friendly bar, the owner was a retired police sergeant, and he called out a greeting to them as they walked in. The three of them grabbed a table, ordered a round of beers and started chatting about their day, munching pretzels from the bowl the waitress had dropped off. “So, how was it working for my brother?” Dean asked, and Jordan smiled.

“He’s going to be an awesome boss. I think we’re gonna get along great. How was desk duty today?”

Dean rolled his eyes, and Donna laughed. “You should have heard him whining all day, you’d think they made him clean the toilets or somethin’.”

“I wasn’t that bad,” he fired back, and his partner shook her head, then looked at Jordan.

“He was like an overgrown three-year-old, Jordan. Don’t let him fool ya. He can pout with the best of ‘em.”

Jordan grinned. “Awwww… it’s only for two weeks.”

Dean huffed out a frustrated sigh. “Two weeks is gonna drive me insane.”

“Short trip,” Donna quipped, and the girls laughed again, Dean failing to completely smother the smile teasing at the corners of his mouth.

“All right, all right – just for that, I’m gonna kick your ass at darts.”

“Oooh, I’ll play the winner – or the loser. Whatever,” Jordan offered, and they moved over near the dart board.

Dean easily beat Donna, and she punched him in the shoulder as she moved back to the table. “Go get ‘im, Jordan. Somebody needs to wipe that cocky smile off his face,” she teased.

“Yeah, that’s probably not gonna happen, but… I’ll do what I can,” Jordan answered, taking the darts from Dean’s hand.

“After you,” he offered with a sweep of his hand, and Jordan stepped up, taking aim. The first dart hit the floor, and he laughed as she swore under her breath. The second barely hung on to the board, finally falling out as her third buried itself in the wall beside the dart board.

“Epic fail.” She shook her head with disgust, and Dean went to retrieve her darts.

“Okay, let’s call that practice. Here…” He reached towards her, then stopped, looking into her eyes. “Is it okay if I...”

“Yes, please, help,” she laughed. He laid his darts on the table and turned towards her, and her breath caught in her chest as he gripped her hips in his hands, turning her slightly to adjust her stance.

“Now, when you throw, you should kind of snap your wrist to give it a little more speed.” He made adjustments to her arm and her grip on the dart, and she was beginning to wonder if she’d have the presence of mind to throw the damn thing when he was finished touching her. “Okay, give it a try.”

She glanced up at him and nodded, then focused her eyes on the board. The first two landed in halfway decent spots, and the third buried itself right next to the bullseye. She cheered and turned to throw her arms around his neck in an excited hug, then backed away, blushing. “Sorry, I just never thought I’d get it!”

Donna was grinning as she watched them. “You got it, girl! A little practice and you’ll be kicking his ass!”

They played their game, Dean winning, of course, and Jordan finished the last of her beer before heading to the bathroom. “I suppose, if we’re stopping at the store, we should take off. We all have to work tomorrow. But first – the little girls’ room.” She plopped her glass back on the table and took off, and Dean sat down, finishing the Coke he had switched to since he was driving.

“So…” Donna said, a knowing smirk on her face.

“So… what?” Dean’s confused frown made her giggle.

“I saw you. You’ve got a thing for her.”

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“Look, I was just helping her with...”

“Save it, partner. You are falling for her, and she’s definitely into you, so what the hell are you waiting for?”

Dean dropped his head and glared at her from under his frowning brow, the dimples above his mouth deepening. “Shut up.”

Donna laughed softly, complying with his request for the time being since Jordan was headed back their way. “All right, you two – let’s hit the road.”

Chapter 4

[mr-smith-wesson]

7 pm

"She's finally asleep, I don't know why she's been fighting sleep so much. Maybe a sleep regression." Sam joined Dean in the kitchen helping him out away the dishes.

"You've been reading that book again haven't you? Babies are all different. You gave me hell some nights, you had to be on my chest, the moment I moved you off you woke up. We just have to figure out what's Marie's thing."

8:36 pm

*Baby crying*

"I'll get her, just keep watching your show." Sam got up from the couch, putting his book away.

"You sure? I can get her Sam, you put her to sleep the first time." Dean was always wanting to help out with Marie and Sam was grateful for it but he was determined to be able to handle this as much as he could on his own.

"Yeah it's not a big deal." Sam went to the nursery the brothers decorated for their newly adopted daughter. The adoption agency had tried telling the brothers that a 6 month old was probably too much for them and that an older child would be better. They took one look at her and fell in love.

"Shhh baby girl it's ok" Sam gently rocked her back and forth, humming for her as her little eyes closed shut again. He looked up to see Dean in the doorway.

"You're a natural at this." Dean smiled fondly at the pair.

9:45pm

"Get some sleep Sam, I got her this time." Dean pulled himself from the bed, padding softly to Marie's room. Sam could hear Dean softly talking to her on the baby monitor. It hurt Sam how quickly she fell back asleep with Dean but he has to remind himself that Dean has had more experience with kids.

"She's already asleep?" Sam was trying to hide the sadness is his voice.

"Yeah and before you think she doesn't like you it's not that. Babies are weird man. Now scoot over and let's get some sleep." Dean placed a kiss on the side of Sam's head. "G'night Sammy"

10:20

"I got her, you got work in the morning." Sam slid out of bed making his way to her room. "Sweetie, what's going on now?" Same checked, she wasn't wet, didn't want a bottle. Sam couldn't figure out what it was. He sat in the rocking chair with her rocking back and forth, singing to her until she fell back asleep.

Midnight.

"Sleep dean. I got her." Sam swore he just came back to bed, he ended staying up with Marie in the rocking chair for about an hour to make sure she was really asleep.

"I'll just bring her in here with us Sammy, the nursery is probably a little too much for her right now. She's only 8 months." Dean got out of bed, bringing Marie to their bed and setting up the mini crib. "See that way if she wakes up she's right next to us."

1:30

Sam was used to the crying at this point, he was good at running on no sleep but sleep deprivation from a baby was a whole new level of exhaustion.

"Shhh you're gonna wake up your daddy de, it's ok honey." Sam walked back to the bed with Marie in his arms. He figured one night of co-sleeping wouldn't hurt them.

Dean woke up at 5 am to get ready for work, he turned his head to see Marie in-between him and Sam. She was clinging onto Dean's shirt.

7pm

"Hey Sammy try giving her this tonight instead." Dean handed Sam one of his flannels.

"Your shirt? Why?" Sam looked up at Dean in confusion.

"Just trust me." Dean had a feeling that was going to help her sleep through the night.

9pm

"She hasn't woken up, what if something's wrong?" Sam was about to get out of bed to go check on her.

"She's fine Sammy, look we can see her on the monitor. She's sound asleep." Dean handed the baby monitor to Sam, which clearly showed their baby girl sound asleep wrapped up in Dean's shirt.

"I don't get it. I'm doing the same bedtime routine with her, I'm doing everything by the book, I even took the parenting classes at the hospital and I still don't know what I'm doing." Sam was trying hard to fight back the tears.

"Sammy, hey look at me baby." Dean gently grabbed Sam's face, you are the best parent ever, you're an amazing brother and you're so good with her. But I've been saying, kids are weird. The shirt smells like me so she's relaxed, she slept in between both of us last night and she felt safe. I guarantee you that if you gave her something of yours for her crib, she'll keep sleeping through the night."

"You really think so?" Sam sniffled.

"It worked with you. Up until you were like 3 you slept on my chest or with one of my shirts. Tomorrow we'll give her one of your shirts and you'll see."

7pm

"Ok, little miss has been bathed, fed, changed, swaddled into one of your gargantuan shirts and is already out like a light." Dean joined Sam on the porch, the cool fall breeze blowing gently around them.

"What if she wakes up because it's not your shirt" Sam hated feeling like this but he knew Dean knew best.

"She's gonna sleep, trust me Sammy."

6am

"Hey sweet girl, you slept the whole night oh my goodness." Sam gently picked her up out of her crib. Dean was right. Their shirts helped her stay asleep. Later that day during Marie's playtime, Sam set to work sewing together 2 of their old shirts into a blanket for her. Marie never gave them a hard time of sleeping through the night again….at least until the terrible 2's started up but that's a different story.

~~~End~~~

😭😭😭 GOD. sam feeling like a bad parent I’m heartbroken :( !! they love their kid so much. I wish to live in this world you created. sam and dean raising a little girl is so !!! I’m squealing god this is an absolute mood booster for me. I’d literally read 50 chapters on this and I MEAN it. Anon you are the best 😚😚