#and keep in mind a lot of this album reminds her more intense audience that they do NOT actually know her or her life

[platypusnoise]

i hate it here was DEFINITELY written during the travis kelce era

[dailytomlinson]

After Louis Tomlinson’s recent show in Madrid, some fans got the chance to meet him. One girl wanted to talk to him about his song Two of Us , which he had written after the death of his mother. The girl had lost her dad, and wanted the singer to know how much his lyrics had meant to her. He’d never had that in his band One Direction, he says. “We wrote cool songs, but they were love songs. It only goes so far, and to have someone say that I could help them with my…” He pauses. “It blows my mind, that shit. I was proper proud.”

It has been a hard few years. Tomlinson’s mother died in 2016, just as he was about to launch his first solo single. In March this year, his 18-year-old sister was found unconscious at her flat in London and couldn’t be revived. We will come to that, but, professionally, Tomlinson was struggling too. One Direction – that supernova of a boy band – broke up in 2015. Or announced they were taking a break. Or “‘hiatus’ or whatever word we use”, he says with a smile.

At the time, Tomlinson, now 27, was finding his place as a songwriter. “I wasn’t singing a lot, I wasn’t the frontman. Without being a sorry little bastard, I thought: ‘How do I do better, how do I make something of myself, an identity?’” In the last 18 months of One Direction, he says, “I felt like I knew who I was in the band, and I felt a real worth for who I was.” The break up, he says, “rocked me. I wasn’t ready for it. I felt like I was getting to be a better songwriter, singer, a more confident performer, and all of a sudden, when I felt I was finally getting some momentum …”

We meet at a bar in north London. Tomlinson greets me with a hug as if I am one of his fans (I am not, particularly, although I am by the end). He seems open but not vulnerable, and more self-aware and modest than you would expect from a man who was once part of the biggest boy band in the world. He is friendly and relaxed, dressed in a black tracksuit, with a beer in front of him.

Tomlinson’s personal tragedies also meant his solo career has had a bit of a stop-start quality, but now it looks as if there is focus and momentum. He released his single Kill My Mind earlier this month; an album will follow next year. Kill My Mind is an indie-pop delight, not so huge a departure as to alienate his fanbase, but it sounds like the music he grew up listening to – Oasis and Arctic Monkeys – and his South Yorkshire accent brings more than a hint of Liam Gallagher-style northern vocals. He sounds confident on them, more so than on the previous singles he put out, a couple of fairly forgettable collaborations. “I think, in hindsight, that was me trying to find my place in the industry and making music I thought I had to make to get on radio.

“I had this epiphany when I was thinking about the music I grew up with,” he continues. “I kind of had a bit of a word with myself and worked out what I want – to be happy and proud of what I’m doing. I love those early singles, but I never really felt proud of them, because it didn’t feel too true to me.”

As a child, growing up in Doncaster with his mum Johannah, who raised him alone until she married Tomlinson’s stepfather, he loved performing. “I liked to be the class clown, I liked to make people laugh, to show off, all that.” When his younger twin sisters were cast on TV dramas, he would sometimes go along as their chaperone, earning £30. “Where I’m from, we don’t have anyone who’s been on TV or anything like that, so it was super-exciting,” he says. He ended up picking up work as an extra. “The pinnacle of my acting career was one line on an ITV drama. I don’t even know if they used my scene,” he says with a laugh.

When he was 15, he joined a drama group in Barnsley, which his mum would take him to when she could afford it. “I think I was confused, thinking I wanted to act when actually what I wanted to do was perform.”

At school he joined a band, where they sang Oasis and Green Day covers, and when The X Factor came up, he made it on to the show in 2010 on his third attempt. He queued from 3am to make sure the producers wouldn’t have audition fatigue before they saw him, and he got his goal – to get in front of Simon Cowell “and just have a professional opinion on how I am as a singer. I was so flustered. Going from school performances to performing in front of professionals, TV cameras, a 3,000-strong audience. I wasn’t present. I sang terribly. I remember coming away from it thinking: ‘I wonder if I’ve got through as one of those lads who looks all right but isn’t really a good singer.’”

Yet he ended up in One Direction, the band the show put together in its 2010 series. For six years they sold tens of millions of records, broke America and each made a rumoured £40m-plus fortune. Their fans, Directioners, are another level of devoted. I don’t know how he coped with the attention, or the pressure.

There were really only a few times when it got too much, says Tomlinson. They were in Australia and a local news station had got a helicopter and a photographer was trying to get pictures of Tomlinson in his top-floor hotel room. “I think I was naked, or just in my boxers, and even in my hotel room there was no escape. I could feel the pressure.” He tweeted about it – “your standard bratty celebrity tweet” – and was attacked. “At times it did stress me out but never was I allowed to whinge, allowed to be a human and say: ‘Today has got too much for me.’ I found that difficult at first.”

But he is keen not to sound as if he is complaining. “There was much more positive that outweighed that.” And he never blames the fans for their intensity. Theirs is a special relationship, he says. “So many people have bullshitted about what they feel about the fans, but they’re like family to me.”

Even when Directioners have got a bit too ardent – there is a conspiracy theory, for example, that he and his bandmate Harry Styles have long been in a secret sexual relationship – he seems more bemused by it than annoyed. Although he is wary, he says, of adding “fuel to the fire” by talking about it. “I know, culturally, it’s interesting, but I’m just a bit tired of it,” he says. The HBO drama Euphoria recently showed an animated sequence of Tomlinson and Styles together, as imagined by a smutty fan-fiction writer. Was it annoying that a show had taken something fairly niche and given it new mainstream life? “Again, I get the cultural intention behind that. But I think …” He trails off, trying to work out what he wants to say. “It just felt a little bit … No, I’m not going to lie, I was pissed off. It annoyed me that a big company would get behind it.”

Why does he think he never went off the rails during the band’s heady period? “My mates and my family, really. It’s from my upbringing and where I come from. If I went back to Doncaster and I was dripping in Gucci or whatever, I’d probably get whacked. I’m always very conscious of not acting too big for my boots. It’s the people around me who keep me sane and normal, because they give me insight into real life. Some celebrities, in pop in particular, only surround themselves with amazingness, and all they see is good, good, good, which is lovely, but you don’t understand the real world then. I have the luxury of my mates around me, just reminding me how fucking good I’ve got it, really.”

The day of One Direction’s final concert in November 2015, Tomlinson and his bandmate Niall Horan sat together “and had a little cry, because it was such a journey we had been on. That day in general was so poignant. As much as you try and prepare yourself, it’s a whole other thing when it comes.” Because they had worked so much with few days off, he assumed that a break would be exciting. “But it wasn’t like that. When you’re used to working however many days, it’s all that more evident when you’re not doing something. Especially in the first six months. My life became –and I don’t mean this to sound derogatory – very normal, from being a life of pure craziness.”

At the same time that Tomlinson was trying to work out what to do with himself, his mother, to whom he was intensely close, had been diagnosed with leukaemia; she died in December 2016. He performed his first single on The X Factor just a few days after her death, then seemed to half-heartedly continue with his solo career, releasing another single in 2017. It would be another two years – during which he became a judge on The X Factor – before he released Two of Us, a raw and beautiful (and under-rated) song.

“After I lost my mum, every song I wrote felt, not pathetic, but that it lacked true meaning to me,” he says. “I felt that, as a songwriter, I wasn’t going to move on until I’d written a song like that.” He knew he needed to get it out of him, but there was a lot of pressure – he felt he should be an experienced songwriter before he attempted it. Two songwriters he worked with played him the chorus. “It was like the song I always wished I’d written. I went in and put my personal touch to the verses. It was a real moment for me in my grief, and as part of the creative process, because it felt like it was hanging over me.”

Earlier this month, an inquest found that his sister Félicité had died of an accidental overdose; she had been taking drugs, including anxiety medication, since the death of their mother. He has been through some terrible times, I say, which must put a perspective on a pop career. “Exactly,” he says, a little quieter than before. “That whole dark side I’ve gone through, it sounds stupid to say, but it gives me strength everywhere else in my life, because that’s the darkest shit that I’m going to have to deal with. So it makes everything else, not feel easier and not less important, but, in the grand scheme of things, you see things for what they are, I suppose.”

His fans have been crucial, he says. “I’m sure every artist says this, but I do believe it. We’ve been through some dark times together and those things I’ve been through, they carry a weight, emotionally, on the fans as well. And I felt their love and support. I remember really clearly when I lost my mum, that support was mad.”

What have the experiences of loss he has been through taught him about himself? He thinks for a second. “I keep going back to it, but I don’t know if it’s a combination of where I grew up and my mum’s influence, but I just have this luxury of being able to see the glass half-full no matter what.” He is the oldest of his mother’s seven children, which is grounding and means, he says, “there’s no time for me to be sat feeling sorry for myself. I’ve been to rock bottom and I feel like, whatever my career’s going to throw in front of me, it’s going to be nothing as big or as emotionally heavy as that. So, weirdly, I’ve turned something that’s really dark into something that empowers me, makes me stronger.”

He gets up to go to the toilet, which I think is his polite way of asking me to move on, although when he gets back he says, by way of a final word on the matter, “I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. That’s not how I feel for myself. Somehow it fuels me.”

One Direction will get back together one day, he believes. He still speaks to the others. “We’re not texting each other every day, but what we do have, which will never go away, is this real brothership. We’ve had these experiences that no one else can relate to.”

Styles has become quite the superstar. The others seem to have steady solo careers. Tomlinson says he’s embarrassed to admit that, when he first went solo, he would have been devastated had his album “only” reached No 3, so used is he to everything he did with One Direction going to the top. Is it hard not to measure himself against his former bandmates? “Oh, naturally,” he says. “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. I’ve never been competitive like that, but, naturally, you think: ‘If they’re getting this then I deserve that.’ I think, the longer time goes on, I can see it for what it is and just be proud of them.” And success means something else to him now. “It means I’m happy with what I’m doing.”

[haloud]

into the palm of your hand ch. 2

- ao3 -

Jake is tall. That’s the first and only thing Michael notices about him. He has to unfold himself out of the chair to avoid banging his knees on the bottom of the table, and when he manages and pulls himself up to height he towers a good six inches over Alex and Michael both. He has a nice smile, too, if you’re into that sort of thing. And he’s beaming as the two of them approach, comes out to meet them with his hand already outstretched to shake, and Alex takes it, Jake pumping his arm up and down while he grins so big his face must be killing him. Michael hangs back to let the reunion happen, hands in his pockets, thumbs in his belt loops so he can tug at them with all the nervous twitching in his hands.

The restaurant is nice, but not too nice, not even by Roswell standards. Jake’s clearly made an attempt with his clothes, but his attempt is a business-casual button down with the top button undone and the sleeves rolled up to reveal his tanned forearms. His slacks are pressed and neat as a pin, but Michael won’t judge too harshly for that. His hair is still close-cropped like it was Halloween of 2009. He’s…yeah, he’s handsome, in a normal and kind way, an honest way that reminds Michael of the smell of the old hayloft in the summer and the feeling of straw on his back and warm hands exploring his body on a scratchy old blanket. Michael doesn’t trust easy, but if Jake’s calling up memories like that, he can let himself relax a little bit.

“Jake, this is Michael. My boyfriend.”

“Hey,” Michael says, taking Jake’s hand. His handshake is a little more subdued than the workout Alex got, but Jake is still firm and eager, and he hasn’t dropped that grin of his.

“Thanks for coming! I was a little worried when Alex said he’d like to bring you—thought I might be signing myself up for the third degree or something—but when I found out it was the same Michael I knew I had to meet you.”

“The same Michael?”

“Yeah.” Jake winks at him, and Michael’s eyebrows go up. “I’m happy for you guys.”

“Uh…thanks?”

“Should we sit?” Alex cuts in. The tips of his ears are bright red, and Michael’s eyebrows climb even further towards his hairline.

“It really is so good to see you,” Jake says as they take their chairs.

The second they’re seated, Alex grabs Michael’s knee in a vice grip, nails digging into the denim. His hand is a little sweaty, clammy when Michael covers it to try and settle him. Is Michael being here part of what’s making him so nervous?

“Gotta say, I was surprised to hear you re-upped this time,” Jake continues.

Alex clears his throat. “Yeah, well…you know how it is.”

“I do. And if nothing else, I’m glad it’s giving me an opportunity to work with you again.” Another ready smile follows right on the tail of the last one, even if this one is a little more subdued and sympathetic. “How do you feel about it, Michael?” He takes a sip of water, and his muddy hazel eyes are suddenly hawklike over the rim of the glass.

“Uh.” Alex’s hand digs into him harder, and Michael rubs the back of his hand with his thumb. Jake hasn’t even opened his menu yet; he watches and waits for his answer with that smile on his face and something dangerous in his eyes. “Uh,” Michael glances over at Alex, who is laser focused on his glass of water, face like stone. “Well, I mean, it’s what he—what we thought was best at the time, and since he was able to get it in his contract that he’d be staying put for a while, I was…fine.”

Oh, you know, I’m still working through the soul-crushing guilt that not only did Alex sell more of his life to the military to help me and mine but also I that I was too busy trying to drown myself in household chemicals to talk about it with him, but every relationship is a work in progress! Anyway, I’m an alien who’s wanted by the same government you serve for blowing up one of the black site prisons they use to experiment on my people and also for existing, how’s your mother in law doing?

“Fine, huh?”

“Jake,” Alex says.

“Okay, fine, I’m being a little intense. I’ve got family who don’t get why I stay,” he directs to Michael, then to Alex he says, “I got in a huge fight with Sarah over it, like, five hours before I got on the plane. Sorry for being weird.” He laughs and looks genuinely contrite.

Michael tries to relax, but Alex doesn’t lose any of the stiffness in his posture. He does at least stop squeezing Michael’s knee like he’s trying to rip his kneecap off, though, and Michael massages the back of his hand again.

“How is Sarah?” Alex asks, then to Michael he explains, “Jake’s sister.”

Jake shrugs, his massive hands coming up in an exaggerated ‘what can you do’ gesture. “She’s doing well. Divorced and remarried since the last time you saw her. Went back to school and got a teaching degree, and she’s real happy with the new guy, so. It’s just we still don’t see eye to eye on most things. But I’m happy for her.” He fishes his phone out of his pocket and holds it out to them, flicking through an album of pictures of what looks to be Sarah’s wedding day. From the pictures, Michael wouldn’t be surprised if she was even taller than Isobel, so it must run in the family. The last one in the album is of Jake on the dance floor with a guy in a matching vest, the two of them chest to chest and mouth to mouth, off in their own little world.

“That’s Rohit, my boyfriend. He couldn’t get away from work to come out here with me, but he’s visiting for the first time in about three weeks.”

Michael makes a sympathetic noise. “That sucks for you guys. Been together long?”

“Almost five years, right?” Alex says. “After you had your appendix out, wasn’t it?”

“Okay, the pictures are going away now,” Jake replies, his skin showing a blush way brighter than Alex’s does, “Didn’t realize I’d be roped into telling that story just for showing off my guy but okay I see how it is.”

Alex grins his sharp grin, finally looking up, and after one last brief squeeze his hand comes off Michael’s knee. “You should have been more prepared then, Lieutenant.”

“Let’s just say that the man I love is as patient as I am susceptible to the aftereffects of anesthesia and leave it at that, huh?”

Alex laughs, a true rocking-back-in-his-seat laugh, and it sets Michael fully at his ease, most comfortable letting Alex lead the emotional tone of the conversation. With the tension finally cut, Michael lets himself lean forward and rest his chin on his palm, watching Alex talk, letting the conversation flow over him without cutting in while Alex reconnects to his friend, talking more with his hands, laughing more easily. Jake seems kind of contagious that way, a smile and a laugh for everything—and he doesn’t try to freeze Michael out of the conversation, either, even though Michael is content to just sit there and not really listen and watch Alex talk and move. He’s gorgeous tonight, his shirt open a little at the neck, his long-fingered hand back on Michael’s knee, warm and caressing this time.

The conversation flows for a good couple hours. Michael is a convenient audience for them to share stories and relive them a little bit over again. Even when they’ve paid the bill and are getting up to leave, it’s with promises to do this again when Rohit is in town and Michael smiling to himself with a wry little smile because he’s the double dating kind now and goddamn if he isn’t happy about it.

Then, when they reach the parking lot, Jake stops.

“Hey, do you mind if I borrow him for a couple minutes before we head out?” Jake asks, inclining his chin toward Michael. Alex raises an eyebrow and glances between them, and Michael just shrugs his agreement.

With a bemused smile, Alex says, “Sure. I’ll be in the car.” He gives Michael’s shoulder a squeeze as he passes, and Michael looks around to watch him go, eyes on his back until he slips behind the driver’s side door.

Michael shoves his hands in his pockets for lack of anything else to do with them. If Jake wants to corner him to read him the riot act or tell him he’s not good enough for Alex or something he could have at least had the decency to do it somewhere Michael had something to lean against or sink into, to hold him up or have his back.

“You got the height advantage, but I’ll warn you—I’m scrappy,” Michael drawls.

“I’m…not going to hit you? What the hell, man.”

“Just like to be prepared. I got one of those faces.” Michael gives Jake a grin and a wink, but all Jake gives back is a concerned look starting to border on shrink-y, so Michael hurries on, “What’s up?”

“Okay. Okay.” He takes a huge breath like he’s psyching himself up for something. “There’s no socially acceptable way to say this, really, so I’m going to jump in.”

“I’ve never been socially acceptable a day in my life. Shoot.”

“Okay.” He takes another huge breath. “The first guy I loved was killed in a drive by when we were eighteen.”

Michael rocks back a bit at that, at the ice-cold awkward shock of someone else’s old grief. His eyes go huge and wide and he scrambles for something to say, something that’s different from the plain shit people spout.

Jake doesn’t wait for him to find it, though. “He was coming out of a club and a car jumped the curb and it was just…over. There was no real way to know if it was a hate crime or if the driver was just drunk. I was two hours away at school. We didn’t talk every day, so I didn’t even know for two weeks. His parents wouldn’t even let me go to the funeral, because I turned their son gay, and if he hadn’t been at a gay club then he’d still be alive.”

“Fuck, man.”

“I know. And I’m sorry to dump all that on you, but it’s important for what I need to tell you. It’s why I joined the Air Force in the first place—I was lost, depressed. I couldn’t keep going in school and I couldn’t stand the thought of going back to my hometown where everything would remind me of him, so I dropped out and joined up. And then I met Alex.”

Michael coughs to hide the catch of his breath. He can picture it so clearly—the way Alex looked with his hair shorn and his dark, dulled eyes set straight ahead, like the way he looked when Michael hid behind the neighbor’s car and risked getting hauled in for trespassing or—caught—so he could see Alex off that day he left to report for training.

“I was—I mean, I was a mess. Could barely keep it together. Kept getting everyone in trouble because of it, and he was so…when he cornered me one day, I honest to god thought he was going to kill me. But he helped me instead. Taught me how to keep my head down and survive, and I just…my story just came out. And after that, I didn’t know why until way later when he finally told me about what happened with his father before he enlisted, but we just kind of clung to each other.”

And again, Michael is relieved that Alex wasn’t as alone as Michael was, that even as tangled up and hurting and hollow as he must have been, he had someone to help him, someone to share that piece of himself with even when it was against the law. Michael owes this man, even if he wouldn’t accept it, even if Alex would deny it too. Michael’s in his debt.

“We dated for a little over a year before we broke up because we didn’t have a whole lot in common other than a little bit of shared trauma. If you haven’t noticed, I’m kind of chatty.” He winks. “And since I’d already spilled my tragic backstory, I wanted to talk about Jordan, like, all the time. Things I missed. Regrets I had. Fears. And Alex was a great listener…but not so great at reciprocity. He’d never let me in, never let me take any of his burdens on. Made me feel like a real dick. But there’s one thing he did let me do. Insisted, actually.”

“You don’t have to tell me this,” Michael says. He leans back as far as he can go without actually taking a step back, trying to give Jake space, trying not to look too interested. He’s hungry, yeah, for any scrap of information he can get about this part of Alex’s life. But if Alex wants him to know, he has to trust that Alex will tell him. It took a massive government conspiracy to get Michael to open up the first time. He can’t be overly critical of Alex’s struggle to do the same.

“I think I kind of do, actually.” Jake shoves his hands into his pockets and lets out a long breath, steaming the cold night air. “I don’t know if it’s for me or if it’s for Alex or what, but I think I should tell you this. You know…I look at him and I still see that nineteen year old kid. My escape. The only gay guy I knew, the only person who knew my grief. It’s not especially healthy. It’s a big part of the reason we’ve been avoiding each other for half a decade. But yeah, I think I need to do this for him more than anyone else.”

Well. What’s Michael supposed to do with that? At seventeen Alex had big, expressive eyes and he licked his lips as a nervous habit and Michael could have sat for hours in the too loud violent cafeteria watching him paint his nails from four tables away. He didn’t know Alex at nineteen, not really, but Jake did. And Michael wants to honor every version of Alex everywhere.

He sends a quick text: Jake caught me up talking about the good old days. You ok with that?

Alex types, then erases, then does so a couple more times before a reply finally comes through: I love you. Tell him I said thank you.

Michael slides his phone back into his pocket. “Okay. Hit me.”

“It’s just this.”

Jake holds out his phone, open to his contacts. And right there: Alex’s Michael.

Michael’s fingers tremble, just slightly, as he reaches out to take it, to hold it in his hands and marvel over it and what it could mean.

Jake shoves his hands back in his pockets. “I’ve had you in my phone for nine years. Don’t know if the number’s any good anymore, of course. But you were the one thing…he never wanted to talk about the past. He never wanted to talk about you. But before we deployed, he asked me…if anything happened to him, if I would talk to you. Tell you he was sorry. That he was always thinking of you. ‘Hear his voice for me one last time.’ That’s how he worded it. I’ve never been able to forget those words.”

Michael’s mouth is too numb to form any words at all. He’s all—cracked open, Alex has reached inside his chest and pried his ribs apart. Michael used to write Alex letters and burn them in his fire pit because smoke becomes air and particulates travel on the wind and there was as much chance of Alex breathing him in from a world away as there was him opening any letter Michael sent him. Then there are the letters he kept, the ones full of hope and pain and—Michael kept them, just in case, like he kept one of Alex’s too-small black hoodies, so that he’d have something to bury if the nightmare came to pass.

Alex’s Michael. It’s there like teardrops smearing the ink off his ten cent ballpoint pen. It’s there like a cotton sleeve held to his cheek on a sleepless night.

“You don’t have to say anything,” Jake says, slipping his phone out of Michael’s limp hand. The man has a smile for every occasion, and the one he’s wearing right now is sweet and sad. “I really am just so happy you guys found each other in the end. It was really nice to meet you, Michael. Thanks for helping me keep a promise, yeah?”

And with a jaunty two-fingered wave, Jake turns around and heads for his car, those long legs eating up space so quick that before Michael can process him leaving, he’s gone.

His phone buzzes: Just saw Jake’s car leaving. Everything ok?

Fine. Headsd yiour way, he responds. It takes him four tries to type the message even that legibly, his hands are shaking so bad.

He nearly jogs across the parking lot, fumbles with the handle before he can yank the door open and climb inside, climb over the gearshift still clumsy and needy to stuff his unsteady hands into Alex’s pockets.

“Hey,” Alex croons, cupping the back of his neck when Michael ducks in to rub his forehead against his shoulder, sawing out rough breaths in the space between them.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Alex says, holding him close. “Whatever he had to say, it’s in the past. I’m here. You’re here. We are.”

There was a time when Michael laid on his back and begged the sky to let him stop needing Alex Manes, and there was a time it broke him that the begging didn’t work. And now he’s here, with Alex’s voice present and physical in his ear, the whole biological process of speaking, from the vibration of his chest to the movement of his throat and lips and tongue to the way his breath blows past the outside of Michael’s ear, and he’s home. He’s not alone.

“Michael?” A little bit of fear creeps into Alex’s voice, so Michael pulls back to look at him, blinks away the wobbly film of tears in his eyes.

“I just. Love you. God, I love you,” Michael rasps. He’s never going to stop saying it, now that he’s allowed, and it’s never going to feel any different. Like ripping the Band-Aid off a cut that’s all healed and feeling fresh air on the skin beneath.

“I love you too,” Alex whispers back, a kiss pressed to Michael’s temple, his other hand coming up to grab his waist.

“Take me home,” Michael says, but he doesn’t let go, not to let Alex drive or for any other reason, not for several long minutes.

[hlupdate]

Louis’ full interview for The Guardian - 25/09/19

After Louis Tomlinson’s recent show in Madrid, some fans got the chance to meet him. One girl wanted to talk to him about his song Two of Us , which he had written after the death of his mother. The girl had lost her dad, and wanted the singer to know how much his lyrics had meant to her. He’d never had that in his band One Direction, he says. “We wrote cool songs, but they were love songs. It only goes so far, and to have someone say that I could help them with my …” He pauses. “It blows my mind, that shit. I was proper proud.” It has been a hard few years. Tomlinson’s mother died in 2016, just as he was about to launch his first solo single. In March this year, his 18-year-old sister was found unconscious at her flat in London and couldn’t be revived. We will come to that, but, professionally, Tomlinson was struggling too. One Direction - that supernova of a boy band - broke up in 2015. Or announced they were taking a break. Or “‘hiatus’ or whatever word we use”, he says with a smile. At the time, Tomlinson, now 27, was finding his place as a songwriter. “I wasn’t singing a lot, I wasn’t the frontman. Without being a sorry little bastard, I thought: ‘How do I do better, how do I make something of myself, an identity?’” In the last 18 months of One Direction, he says, “I felt like I knew who I was in the band, and I felt a real worth for who I was.” The break up, he says, “rocked me. I wasn’t ready for it. I felt like I was getting to be a better songwriter, singer, a more confident performer, and all of a sudden, when I felt I was finally getting some momentum …” We meet at a bar in north London. Tomlinson greets me with a hug as if I am one of his fans (I am not, particularly, although I am by the end). He seems open but not vulnerable, and more self-aware and modest than you would expect from a man who was once part of the biggest boy band in the world. He is friendly and relaxed, dressed in a black tracksuit, with a beer in front of him. Tomlinson’s personal tragedies also meant his solo career has had a bit of a stop-start quality, but now it looks as if there is focus and momentum. He released his single Kill My Mind earlier this month; an album will follow next year. Kill My Mind is an indie-pop delight, not so huge a departure as to alienate his fanbase, but it sounds like the music he grew up listening to - Oasis and Arctic Monkeys - and his South Yorkshire accent brings more than a hint of Liam Gallagher-style northern vocals. He sounds confident on them, more so than on the previous singles he put out, a couple of fairly forgettable collaborations. “I think, in hindsight, that was me trying to find my place in the industry and making music I thought I had to make to get on radio. “I had this epiphany when I was thinking about the music I grew up with,” he continues. “I kind of had a bit of a word with myself and worked out what I want - to be happy and proud of what I’m doing. I love those early singles, but I never really felt proud of them, because it didn’t feel too true to me.” As a child, growing up in Doncaster with his mum Johannah, who raised him alone until she married Tomlinson’s stepfather, he loved performing. “I liked to be the class clown, I liked to make people laugh, to show off, all that.” When his younger twin sisters were cast on TV dramas, he would sometimes go along as their chaperone, earning £30. “Where I’m from, we don’t have anyone who’s been on TV or anything like that, so it was super-exciting,” he says. He ended up picking up work as an extra. “The pinnacle of my acting career was one line on an ITV drama. I don’t even know if they used my scene,” he says with a laugh. When he was 15, he joined a drama group in Barnsley, which his mum would take him to when she could afford it. “I think I was confused, thinking I wanted to act when actually what I wanted to do was perform.” At school he joined a band, where they sang Oasis and Green Day covers, and when The X Factor came up, he made it on to the show in 2010 on his third attempt. He queued from 3am to make sure the producers wouldn’t have audition fatigue before they saw him, and he got his goal - to get in front of Simon Cowell “and just have a professional opinion on how I am as a singer. I was so flustered. Going from school performances to performing in front of professionals, TV cameras, a 3,000-strong audience. I wasn’t present. I sang terribly. I remember coming away from it thinking: ‘I wonder if I’ve got through as one of those lads who looks all right but isn’t really a good singer.’”

One Direction in 2012 (from left): Niall Horan, Zayn Malik, Louis Tomlinson, Liam Payne and Harry Styles. Photograph: IBL/Rex Shutterstock Yet he ended up in One Direction, the band the show put together in its 2010 series. For six years they sold tens of millions of records, broke America and each made a rumoured £40m-plus fortune. Their fans, Directioners, are another level of devoted. I don’t know how he coped with the attention, or the pressure. There were really only a few times when it got too much, says Tomlinson. They were in Australia and a local news station had got a helicopter and a photographer was trying to get pictures of Tomlinson in his top-floor hotel room. “I think I was naked, or just in my boxers, and even in my hotel room there was no escape. I could feel the pressure.” He tweeted about it - “your standard bratty celebrity tweet” - and was attacked. “At times it did stress me out but never was I allowed to whinge, allowed to be a human and say: ‘Today has got too much for me.’ I found that difficult at first.” But he is keen not to sound as if he is complaining. “There was much more positive that outweighed that.” And he never blames the fans for their intensity. Theirs is a special relationship, he says. “So many people have bullshitted about what they feel about the fans, but they’re like family to me.” Even when Directioners have got a bit too ardent - there is a conspiracy theory, for example, that he and his bandmate Harry Styles have long been in a secret sexual relationship - he seems more bemused by it than annoyed. Although he is wary, he says, of adding “fuel to the fire” by talking about it. “I know, culturally, it’s interesting, but I’m just a bit tired of it,” he says. The HBO drama Euphoria recently showed an animated sequence of Tomlinson and Styles together, as imagined by a smutty fan-fiction writer. Was it annoying that a show had taken something fairly niche and given it new mainstream life? “Again, I get the cultural intention behind that. But I think …” He trails off, trying to work out what he wants to say. “It just felt a little bit … No, I’m not going to lie, I was pissed off. It annoyed me that a big company would get behind it.” Why does he think he never went off the rails during the band’s heady period? “My mates and my family, really. It’s from my upbringing and where I come from. If I went back to Doncaster and I was dripping in Gucci or whatever, I’d probably get whacked. I’m always very conscious of not acting too big for my boots. It’s the people around me who keep me sane and normal, because they give me insight into real life.” He lives with his girlfriend, Eleanor and his best friend, Oli. “Some celebrities, in pop in particular, only surround themselves with amazingness, and all they see is good, good, good, which is lovely, but you don’t understand the real world then. I have the luxury of my mates around me, just reminding me how fucking good I’ve got it, really.”

With his mother, Johannah, in 2015. Photograph: Dave J Hogan/Getty Images The day of One Direction’s final concert in November 2015, Tomlinson and his bandmate Niall Horan sat together “and had a little cry, because it was such a journey we had been on. That day in general was so poignant. As much as you try and prepare yourself, it’s a whole other thing when it comes.” Because they had worked so much with few days off, he assumed that a break would be exciting. “But it wasn’t like that. When you’re used to working however many days, it’s all that more evident when you’re not doing something. Especially in the first six months.” He spent time in Los Angeles with his son, who was born in 2016, after his relationship with a stylist, Briana Jungwirth. “My life became -and I don’t mean this to sound derogatory - very normal, from being a life of pure craziness.” At the same time that Tomlinson was trying to work out what to do with himself, his mother, to whom he was intensely close, had been diagnosed with leukaemia; she died in December 2016. He performed his first single on The X Factor just a few days after her death, then seemed to half-heartedly continue with his solo career, releasing another single in 2017. It would be another two years - during which he became a judge on The X Factor - before he released Two of Us, a raw and beautiful (and under-rated) song. “After I lost my mum, every song I wrote felt, not pathetic, but that it lacked true meaning to me,” he says. “I felt that, as a songwriter, I wasn’t going to move on until I’d written a song like that.” He knew he needed to get it out of him, but there was a lot of pressure - he felt he should be an experienced songwriter before he attempted it. Two songwriters he worked with played him the chorus. “It was like the song I always wished I’d written. I went in and put my personal touch to the verses. It was a real moment for me in my grief, and as part of the creative process, because it felt like it was hanging over me.” Earlier this month, an inquest found that his sister Félicité had died of an accidental overdose; she had been taking drugs, including anxiety medication, since the death of their mother. He has been through some terrible times, I say, which must put a perspective on a pop career. “Exactly,” he says, a little quieter than before. “That whole dark side I’ve gone through, it sounds stupid to say, but it gives me strength everywhere else in my life, because that’s the darkest shit that I’m going to have to deal with. So it makes everything else, not feel easier and not less important, but, in the grand scheme of things, you see things for what they are, I suppose.” His fans have been crucial, he says. “I’m sure every artist says this, but I do believe it. We’ve been through some dark times together and those things I’ve been through, they carry a weight, emotionally, on the fans as well. And I felt their love and support. I remember really clearly when I lost my mum, that support was mad.” What have the experiences of loss he has been through taught him about himself? He thinks for a second. “I keep going back to it, but I don’t know if it’s a combination of where I grew up and my mum’s influence, but I just have this luxury of being able to see the glass half-full no matter what.” He is the oldest of his mother’s seven children, which is grounding and means, he says, “there’s no time for me to be sat feeling sorry for myself. I’ve been to rock bottom and I feel like, whatever my career’s going to throw in front of me, it’s going to be nothing as big or as emotionally heavy as that. So, weirdly, I’ve turned something that’s really dark into something that empowers me, makes me stronger.” He gets up to go to the toilet, which I think is his polite way of asking me to move on, although when he gets back he says, by way of a final word on the matter, “I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. That’s not how I feel for myself. Somehow it fuels me.”

1D face the fans: the band’s last performance was in 2015. Photograph: Sportsphoto Ltd/Allstar One Direction will get back together one day, he believes. He still speaks to the others. “We’re not texting each other every day, but what we do have, which will never go away, is this real brothership. We’ve had these experiences that no one else can relate to.” Styles has become quite the superstar. The others seem to have steady solo careers. Tomlinson says he’s embarrassed to admit that, when he first went solo, he would have been devastated had his album “only” reached No 3, so used is he to everything he did with One Direction going to the top. Is it hard not to measure himself against his former bandmates? “Oh, naturally,” he says. “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. I’ve never been competitive like that, but, naturally, you think: ‘If they’re getting this then I deserve that.’ I think, the longer time goes on, I can see it for what it is and just be proud of them.” And success means something else to him now. “It means I’m happy with what I’m doing.” Kill My Mind, by Louis Tomlinson, is out now on Arista. His debut album will be released in 2020

[louistomlinsoncouk]

Louis Tomlinson on loss and love: ‘The dark side I’ve been through gives me strength’

The One Direction singer has had to battle a series of personal tragedies while launching his solo career. And it’s his fans and friends who have kept him going.

After Louis Tomlinson’s recent show in Madrid, some fans got the chance to meet him. One girl wanted to talk to him about his song Two of Us , which he had written after the death of his mother. The girl had lost her dad, and wanted the singer to know how much his lyrics had meant to her. He’d never had that in his band One Direction, he says. “We wrote cool songs, but they were love songs. It only goes so far, and to have someone say that I could help them with my …” He pauses. “It blows my mind, that shit. I was proper proud.”

It has been a hard few years. Tomlinson’s mother died in 2016, just as he was about to launch his first solo single. In March this year, his 18-year-old sister was found unconscious at her flat in London and couldn’t be revived. We will come to that, but, professionally, Tomlinson was struggling too. One Direction – that supernova of a boy band – broke up in 2015. Or announced they were taking a break. Or “‘hiatus’ or whatever word we use”, he says with a smile.

At the time, Tomlinson, now 27, was finding his place as a songwriter. “I wasn’t singing a lot, I wasn’t the frontman. Without being a sorry little bastard, I thought: ‘How do I do better, how do I make something of myself, an identity?’” In the last 18 months of One Direction, he says, “I felt like I knew who I was in the band, and I felt a real worth for who I was.” The break up, he says, “rocked me. I wasn’t ready for it. I felt like I was getting to be a better songwriter, singer, a more confident performer, and all of a sudden, when I felt I was finally getting some momentum …”

We meet at a bar in north London. Tomlinson greets me with a hug as if I am one of his fans (I am not, particularly, although I am by the end). He seems open but not vulnerable, and more self-aware and modest than you would expect from a man who was once part of the biggest boy band in the world. He is friendly and relaxed, dressed in a black tracksuit, with a beer in front of him.

Tomlinson’s personal tragedies also meant his solo career has had a bit of a stop-start quality, but now it looks as if there is focus and momentum. He released his single Kill My Mind earlier this month; an album will follow next year. Kill My Mind is an indie-pop delight, not so huge a departure as to alienate his fanbase, but it sounds like the music he grew up listening to – Oasis and Arctic Monkeys – and his South Yorkshire accent brings more than a hint of Liam Gallagher-style northern vocals. He sounds confident on them, more so than on the previous singles he put out, a couple of fairly forgettable collaborations. “I think, in hindsight, that was me trying to find my place in the industry and making music I thought I had to make to get on radio.

“I had this epiphany when I was thinking about the music I grew up with,” he continues. “I kind of had a bit of a word with myself and worked out what I want – to be happy and proud of what I’m doing. I love those early singles, but I never really felt proud of them, because it didn’t feel too true to me.”

As a child, growing up in Doncaster with his mum Johannah, who raised him alone until she married Tomlinson’s stepfather, he loved performing. “I liked to be the class clown, I liked to make people laugh, to show off, all that.” When his younger twin sisters were cast on TV dramas, he would sometimes go along as their chaperone, earning £30. “Where I’m from, we don’t have anyone who’s been on TV or anything like that, so it was super-exciting,” he says. He ended up picking up work as an extra. “The pinnacle of my acting career was one line on an ITV drama. I don’t even know if they used my scene,” he says with a laugh.

When he was 15, he joined a drama group in Barnsley, which his mum would take him to when she could afford it. “I think I was confused, thinking I wanted to act when actually what I wanted to do was perform.”

At school he joined a band, where they sang Oasis and Green Day covers, and when The X Factor came up, he made it on to the show in 2010 on his third attempt. He queued from 3am to make sure the producers wouldn’t have audition fatigue before they saw him, and he got his goal – to get in front of Simon Cowell “and just have a professional opinion on how I am as a singer. I was so flustered. Going from school performances to performing in front of professionals, TV cameras, a 3,000-strong audience. I wasn’t present. I sang terribly. I remember coming away from it thinking: ‘I wonder if I’ve got through as one of those lads who looks all right but isn’t really a good singer.’”

Yet he ended up in One Direction, the band the show put together in its 2010 series. For six years they sold tens of millions of records, broke America and each made a rumoured £40m-plus fortune. Their fans, Directioners, are another level of devoted. I don’t know how he coped with the attention, or the pressure.

There were really only a few times when it got too much, says Tomlinson. They were in Australia and a local news station had got a helicopter and a photographer was trying to get pictures of Tomlinson in his top-floor hotel room. “I think I was naked, or just in my boxers, and even in my hotel room there was no escape. I could feel the pressure.” He tweeted about it – “your standard bratty celebrity tweet” – and was attacked. “At times it did stress me out but never was I allowed to whinge, allowed to be a human and say: ‘Today has got too much for me.’ I found that difficult at first.”

But he is keen not to sound as if he is complaining. “There was much more positive that outweighed that.” And he never blames the fans for their intensity. Theirs is a special relationship, he says. “So many people have bullshitted about what they feel about the fans, but they’re like family to me.”

Even when Directioners have got a bit too ardent – there is a conspiracy theory, for example, that he and his bandmate Harry Styles have long been in a secret sexual relationship – he seems more bemused by it than annoyed. Although he is wary, he says, of adding “fuel to the fire” by talking about it. “I know, culturally, it’s interesting, but I’m just a bit tired of it,” he says. The HBO drama Euphoria recently showed an animated sequence of Tomlinson and Styles together, as imagined by a smutty fan-fiction writer. Was it annoying that a show had taken something fairly niche and given it new mainstream life? “Again, I get the cultural intention behind that. But I think …” He trails off, trying to work out what he wants to say. “It just felt a little bit … No, I’m not going to lie, I was pissed off. It annoyed me that a big company would get behind it.”

Why does he think he never went off the rails during the band’s heady period? “My mates and my family, really. It’s from my upbringing and where I come from. If I went back to Doncaster and I was dripping in Gucci or whatever, I’d probably get whacked. I’m always very conscious of not acting too big for my boots. It’s the people around me who keep me sane and normal, because they give me insight into real life.” “Some celebrities, in pop in particular, only surround themselves with amazingness, and all they see is good, good, good, which is lovely, but you don’t understand the real world then. I have the luxury of my mates around me, just reminding me how fucking good I’ve got it, really.”

The day of One Direction’s final concert in November 2015, Tomlinson and his bandmate Niall Horan sat together “and had a little cry, because it was such a journey we had been on. That day in general was so poignant. As much as you try and prepare yourself, it’s a whole other thing when it comes.” Because they had worked so much with few days off, he assumed that a break would be exciting. “But it wasn’t like that. When you’re used to working however many days, it’s all that more evident when you’re not doing something. Especially in the first six months.” “My life became –and I don’t mean this to sound derogatory – very normal, from being a life of pure craziness.”

At the same time that Tomlinson was trying to work out what to do with himself, his mother, to whom he was intensely close, had been diagnosed with leukaemia; she died in December 2016. He performed his first single on The X Factor just a few days after her death, then seemed to half-heartedly continue with his solo career, releasing another single in 2017. It would be another two years – during which he became a judge on The X Factor – before he released Two of Us, a raw and beautiful (and under-rated) song.

“After I lost my mum, every song I wrote felt, not pathetic, but that it lacked true meaning to me,” he says. “I felt that, as a songwriter, I wasn’t going to move on until I’d written a song like that.” He knew he needed to get it out of him, but there was a lot of pressure – he felt he should be an experienced songwriter before he attempted it. Two songwriters he worked with played him the chorus. “It was like the song I always wished I’d written. I went in and put my personal touch to the verses. It was a real moment for me in my grief, and as part of the creative process, because it felt like it was hanging over me.”

Earlier this month, an inquest found that his sister Félicité had died of an accidental overdose; she had been taking drugs, including anxiety medication, since the death of their mother. He has been through some terrible times, I say, which must put a perspective on a pop career. “Exactly,” he says, a little quieter than before. “That whole dark side I’ve gone through, it sounds stupid to say, but it gives me strength everywhere else in my life, because that’s the darkest shit that I’m going to have to deal with. So it makes everything else, not feel easier and not less important, but, in the grand scheme of things, you see things for what they are, I suppose.”

His fans have been crucial, he says. “I’m sure every artist says this, but I do believe it. We’ve been through some dark times together and those things I’ve been through, they carry a weight, emotionally, on the fans as well. And I felt their love and support. I remember really clearly when I lost my mum, that support was mad.”

What have the experiences of loss he has been through taught him about himself? He thinks for a second. “I keep going back to it, but I don’t know if it’s a combination of where I grew up and my mum’s influence, but I just have this luxury of being able to see the glass half-full no matter what.” He is the oldest of his mother’s seven children, which is grounding and means, he says, “there’s no time for me to be sat feeling sorry for myself. I’ve been to rock bottom and I feel like, whatever my career’s going to throw in front of me, it’s going to be nothing as big or as emotionally heavy as that. So, weirdly, I’ve turned something that’s really dark into something that empowers me, makes me stronger.”

He gets up to go to the toilet, which I think is his polite way of asking me to move on, although when he gets back he says, by way of a final word on the matter, “I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. That’s not how I feel for myself. Somehow it fuels me.”

One Direction will get back together one day, he believes. He still speaks to the others. “We’re not texting each other every day, but what we do have, which will never go away, is this real brothership. We’ve had these experiences that no one else can relate to.”

Styles has become quite the superstar. The others seem to have steady solo careers. Tomlinson says he’s embarrassed to admit that, when he first went solo, he would have been devastated had his album “only” reached No 3, so used is he to everything he did with One Direction going to the top. Is it hard not to measure himself against his former bandmates? “Oh, naturally,” he says. “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. I’ve never been competitive like that, but, naturally, you think: ‘If they’re getting this then I deserve that.’ I think, the longer time goes on, I can see it for what it is and just be proud of them.” And success means something else to him now. “It means I’m happy with what I’m doing.”

Kill My Mind, by Louis Tomlinson, is out now on Arista. His debut album will be released in 2020.

[dustedmagazine]

Listed: Horse Lords

Baltimore-based Horse Lords have been forging their own take on experimental rock music since 2012. The quartet, Andrew Bernstein (saxophone/percussion), Max Eilbacher (bass/electronics), Owen Gardner (guitar) and Sam Haberman (drums) weave together pieces drawing on divergent sources that include everything from 20th and 21st century classical music to just intonation tuning to African and Appalachian musical traditions to intricate polyrhythms and studio experiments. In a recent interview, Gardner talked about their approach to putting pieces together. “We generally write right up to the edge of our abilities. And sometimes slightly beyond. We’d had to scrap quite a few songs because they proved to be basically impossible to play... It keeps it interesting.” Ian Forsythe covered their newest release, The Common Task, noting that “Their nearly ten-year core pivots rhythmic and tonal ideas athletically, and their ability to pull elements from anywhere and everywhere is seemingly more fluid with each record.”

For this Listed, the four members runs down a list of live shows, recordings, blogs, movies, and books that have been on their minds.

Gleb Kanasevich plays Horațiu Rădulescu’s “Inner Time II for seven clarinets (Op.42b),” Baltimore. 2018 (Owen Gardner)

A near-hourlong ear workout, combining impressive sonic and structural brutality. The interaction of what these close dissonances do inside your ears with what the clarinets do in space (Gleb played live with 6 recordings of himself, meticulously arranged around the audience) is a haunting experience, celestial but with no concession to human music.

Maryanne Amacher — Perceptual Geographies, Philadelphia 2019 (Owen Gardner)

https://issuu.com/bowerbirdphilly/docs/amacherprogramonline

So much revelatory material has come out of the Maryanne Amacher archive so far, and particularly these loving reconstructions of her instrumental music. A lot more attention seems to have been given to “Petra,” which is certainly gorgeous and shows fascinating symmetries with the spatial/timbral concerns of her electronic music, but “Adjacencies” struck me as the Major Work of 20th Century Music. She wrote the damn thing in 1965 and it sounds fresh half a century later, which we can say of no previous piece of percussion music and not much written subsequently. I am slowly losing my mind waiting for Amy Cimini’s book on Amacher to come out, craving a deeper dive into her theory and methods.

Sarah Hennies, Bonnie Jones, Lê Quan Ninh, and Biliana Voutchkova at the High Zerofestival, Baltimore 2019 (Owen Gardner)

One of at least three great things Sarah Hennies did last year (Reservoir 1 on Black Truffle and the 90 minute cello/percussion duo “The Reinvention of Romance” being the others) was to take part in Baltimore’s High Zero festival, four mind-frying days devoted to free improvisation. This set was one of the highlights of 2019’s festival; each of the four performers having at least one foot in composed music (Ninh is a long-time Cage interpreter and Biliana has collaborated with Peter Ablinger) seemed to lend it a certain sureness and serenity, but ultimately their combined strength as improvisors (fastidiously captured by High Zero’s crack recording team) is what makes it such an engaging listen.

El Chombo — Cuentos de la Cripta (Owen Gardner)

A relentless tetralogy that nicely balances the rawness of ‘90s proto-reggaetón productions (the first volume self-identifies as “Spanish Reggae”) and the slicker, synth-oriented sound and settled genre conventions we’ve come to enjoy (or not) in the 21st century. This was helpful when working on “People’s Park,” not least for its insistent connection to Jamaican music. I can understand very little Spanish but I'm guessing the lyrics are not unproblematic; signifying language always disappoints.

Wallahi Le Zein! (Owen Gardner)

http://thewealthofthewise.blogspot.com/

An invaluable resource for anyone interested in African music, much more consistent and informative than the often yucky reissue market, which seems to prioritize awkward (and marginal) attempts at Western musical fads—as if what was available was not an impossibly rich and heterogeneous network of self-sufficient musical cultures but merely a broken mirror facing America. The archive of Mauritanian music alone makes this the most worthwhile stop on the information superhighway. There’s plenty of goofy drum programming and appalling sound quality if that’s your bag, but the rich variety of traditional musics is what keeps me coming back.

Miles Davis — On the Corner (Max Eilbacher)

Some might say Stockhausen serves imperialism but he did his little part to help cook up some of the most twisted American Jazz/funk jams ever. Davis only kept one cassette in his convertible sports car during the On the Corner sessions, a tape of “Hymnen.” He would take each member of the band on highspeed joy rides with the car’s stereo system on full blast. That same energy was channeled in the arrangement and editing. The convergence of a lot of different elements keeps this record on my top 10 list ‘til the end of time. The little detail of Americans taking concepts from European Neu Musik and making something incredibly funky and pleasurable is the cherry on top.

Olivia Block & Marcus Schmickler at Diffusion Festival, Baltimore 2018 (Andrew Bernstein)

This was an amazing pairing, with both artists playing in 8-channel “surround sound.” Marcus’ set was incredibly intense. Pure synthesis with a lot of psychoacoustic inner ear tones and unending overlapping melodies. It felt like the sonic equivalent of watching a strobe light at close distance. Olivia’s set was a slow creep, laying samples to create lush textures that were truly immersive. This was the kind of concert that reminds you of the awesome power of music.

Blacks’ Myths at the Red Room, Baltimore 2019 (Andrew Bernstein)

Blacks' Myths II by Blacks' Myths

I’m there for anything bassist Luke Stewart touches (see Irreversible Entanglements, his solo upright + feedback work, frequent collaborations with too many people to name). Blacks' Myths, his bass and drumset duo with Warren Crudup, is loud, noisy, and intense, and this set at the Red Room last year was particularly transcendent.

“Blue” Gene Tyranny — Out of the Blue (Andrew Bernstein)

Out of the Blue by "Blue" Gene Tyranny

I have probably listened to this record more than any other the last few years. Perfectly crafted pop songs segue into proggy funk jams and then into stream of consciousness drone pieces based around the doppler effect. I’ll put it on over and over again, an experience with an album I haven’t really had since I was in high school.

Bill Orcutt — An Account of the Crimes of Peter Thiel and His Subsequent Arrest, Trial, and Execution 2017 (Max Eilbacher)

AN ACCOUNT OF THE CRIMES OF PETER THIEL AND HIS SUBSEQUENT ARREST, TRIAL AND EXECUTION. by BILL ORCUTT

Legendary underground American guitarists from the most important American rock band also makes top notch conceptual digital audio art. Years ago I thought computer music lacked a certain sub cultural attitude. While this was/is not true, this 2017 release feels like it exists in its own world. High and low brow are in perfect harmony for this patterned enjoyable hellride of a listen. What if Hanne Darboven had to make art while working a full time job and dealing with mild substance abuse?

Lina Wertmüller — Seven Beauties 1975 (Max Eilbacher)

By Source, Fair use, https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?curid=42000553

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_Beauties

During this pandemic I have been talking film shop over emails nonstop. I went through a big Wertmüller phase in 2018-2019 and as people are trading recommendations I usually try to recommend something by her. This film is the one that I keep reaching for. The email recommending this film usually starts as a draft with “this is really intense” and then I try to hearken back to my film school days and write about the male gaze, patriarchy, communism or something of that nature. I end up writing a bit, feeling like it’s way over the top for a casual email and then I end up deleting everything except “this is a really intense and beautiful film.”

Chaos: Charles Manson, the CIA and the Secret History of the Sixties by Tom O’Neill (Sam Haberman)

https://www.littlebrown.com/titles/tom-oneill/chaos/9780316477574/

The last book I managed to check out of the library before it closed. Though it in some ways resembles works of conspiracy theory, Tom O’Neill is always straightforward in telling the reader that, though the official story of the Manson case is almost certainly not true, the actual details don’t cohere into any kind of Meaning. Every new discovery is its own digression that points to a new unknowable truth or unverifiable claim. This really inverts the normal thrill of conspiracy theory, which invites you to either buy into the story being presented or reject it all together, either path offering its own sort of comfort. Chaos offers no such comfort.

[jadeargents]

Another day, another talk show. Promoting this upcoming album was better than promoting her previous albums, when answering personal questions was just frustrating. Since she began spending her life with a certain someone, she became more accepting of letting people know her, while not being afraid of dismissing the question if she considered it too intimate. She was less angry, more comfortable with socializing and generally not as defensive. She had all that to thank to Julian, for showing her she could trust someone who was kind, supporting and had no hidden intentions towards her. 

The talk show she was doing at the moment was going great. She had talked about her upcoming music and tour, as well as what she had planned for the future. When the host suggested a game, she was curious to see what that was about, only hoping it wasn’t some sort of truth or dare, because while she was comfortable with answering questions, there was a limit to what she shared. 

“Okay, this is how it works. So you’re an Aquarius — ” the host began, introducing the concept of the game.

“Oh no,” Jade let out, letting her head be supported by her hand, already exhausted by what was to come. The host chuckled but didn’t let the reaction interrupt him from continuing. 

“ — We’ll give you ten affirmations about your zodiac sign. If just have to tell us if each of those affirmations are right. Now, I know you’re quite vocal about your dislike towards astrology — ” he said.

“And yet you still came up with this idea,” Jade remarked, an amused smile on her lips.

“We’re going to try to see if you can be convinced by astrology. Who knows, maybe you’ll discover not everything is made up.”

Jade raised her eyebrows. “Sure, let’s see if you can make me believe that the stars have a say in our personality,” she continued, the lack of conviction being discernible in her voice.

“First statement — you can separate yourself from your emotions, some might say you appear emotionless, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have them.”

Jade looked at him, an unimpressed smile on her lips. “Well, that’s called just being a human being with different emotions that we don’t necessarily show, but yeah, it’s true.” Although she had to admit she was better at hiding her emotions more than others, she didn’t believe that was because of her zodiac sign. It was who she was, because of what life put her through, it was better if she didn’t let people notice just how intense her emotions were, except for her songs.

“I can understand that, you still receive that point though,” the host pointed out.

“Unfortunately,” she replied. 

“Second statement — you don’t want to deal with your emotions so you have a tendency to detach yourself from them, even repressing them sometimes.” 

“Now you’re just taking into account what I said in my discography,” Jade said, in an attempt to avoid the answer. 

“I’m not, I’m reading these off my cards,” he said, showing her the printed text that he had since the beginning of the game. 

Jade shook her head slightly, a sigh leaving her lips. “So you’re telling me all people born under the sign of Aquarius are emotionless people? Or, as you said it, detached?” She furrowed her eyebrows. “Astrologers sure bring a lot of attention on emotions when it comes to Aquarius people, when we’re supposed to be “emotionless”,” she remarked. “Oh sorry, detached.”  

“I don’t know, that’s why we’re trying this game. To see just how accurate these affirmations are for you, an Aquarius.” 

“Thanks for reminding me, I forgot for a second there what this was about,” Jade said, her tone making the audience laugh. “Anyway, yeah, it’s still true. I won’t comment further on that.” 

“Let’s move onto the third statement then — you have the patience to achieve what you set your mind to, despite the trials that life puts you through.” 

“You know, you could have just listened to my music or followed what I said in interviews and come up with these. Still not convinced.” 

“Is that a yes, it’s true?” 

Jade sighed, staring at her shoes. “Yes,” she said under her breath, which received some applause from the audience. The reaction made her look up and smile. 

“Fourth statement — you feel the need to contribute to society in some way or another.” 

“That’s not true, actually,” she said, both surprised and satisfied there was something she didn’t agree with. She was beginning to feel as if the game was rigged. “Of course, getting to help people with my music is an incredible feeling, but... that’s not why I started. That’s not why I keep going.” 

“Why is that?” he questioned.

“Answering your additional questions wasn’t in the agreement for the game. I just have to say if it’s true or false, and in this case, it’s false. What’s next?” 

The talk show host laughed, before continuing with his list. “Fifth statement — you’re a perfectionist.” 

“I mean, when it comes to my music, I won’t deny that. Anything else, I’m not so sure.” 

“I’m counting that as a truth.”

Jade shrugged her shoulders. “Your game, your rules. I’m still waiting for you to convince me I should dedicate my life to astrology, or you know, at least care about what the stars have to say about me.” 

“Sixth statement — you pride yourself most with your mind and your knowledge.” 

Jade had to admit that one was on point. Her prolonged silence was enough to tip everyone off on the answer. “I think that’s the most accurate one you’ve given me so far. Slightly impressed.” If it wasn’t for her mind, she wouldn’t have reached the life she had right now . 

“Well, you said I had to convince you to dedicate your life to astrology, so...” 

“You still have a long way until then, but go ahead,” Jade responded, moving a little more on the sofa as if she was just getting comfortable. 

“Seventh statement — you want to change the world.” 

Jade stared at the wall ahead of her. “Huh.” She was starting to have some doubts concerning her dislike for astrology, but she wasn’t there yet. “Well, in a way, it’s true. I’m searching for a revolutionary approach whenever I make music, so I do have this motivation to change the game, but I don’t know if that counts as changing the world.” 

“It does.” 

“You’re just saying that because you want to prove that astrology exists and I’m a typical Aquarius,” she said, earning another set of applause from the audience. 

The host waited for the audience to quiet down. “Well, from what I know about astrology, the last thing Aquarius wants is to be “typical”. An Aquarius seeks to stand out from the crowd.” 

Jade chuckled, a little nervous. “Alright, I agree with that.”

“Eighth statement — you have quite a stubborn attitude when it comes to your views on anything, but you remain open-minded to discussing with people and trying to understand.” 

Jade hesitated. “It’s kind of true. I have my opinions that are difficult to change, but I’m not completely closed to listening to someone else’s point of view. They just have to make some really convincing arguments.” 

The host nodded his head in understanding. “Next is the ninth statement — you are easy to get along with.” 

Jade couldn’t contain her laugh when she heard that one. “I think everyone that knows me knows that couldn’t be further from the truth. That’s all I have to say on that subject.” 

A small laugh left his lips. “Talking to you right now isn’t difficult, though.” 

“Well, yeah, because that’s what we’re here for. It’s a talk show. Would be a little complicated if we weren’t talking.” 

“Okay, I’ll give that to you,” he conceded. “Last statement — you prefer a relationship that started as a friendship, and that therefore, has a more friendship feeling attached to it.” 

Jade shook her head in disbelief as a huff escaped her lips. She touched her forehead as if she was getting a headache. “I’m glad that’s the last one, otherwise I wouldn’t have stayed until the end. You can’t tell me you didn’t take that one from what you’ve seen in the press.” 

“I haven’t! These are all Aquarius facts, I didn’t just get inspiration from what I know about you,” he insisted. “Maybe the reason why you agreed with so many of these, is because astrology isn’t made up?” 

Jade shook her head, an apologetic smile on her lips. “Sorry to break the news to you, but you didn’t convince me.” She thought a little about her album, and another smile appeared on her traits. “However, when my album comes out, you should listen to “Feels Like This”. You’ll know then what my opinion on astrology is, and you have my word that it won’t change. But thank you for having me here!”  

[westcoastbroadway1443]

Be More Notes: my very long ramblings on BMC as I finally listen to the whole thing

Ok!  I’m finally doing it!  Now that the cast album is out I’m going to really give all of Be More Chill a listen, try to put the things that annoy me about the show aside, and give it a fair chance.  And have decided to do running commentary here for the nobody who gives a shit lol.  Going in I wanna say I’ve heard 4 full songs and random bits of other songs from the original soundtrack.  And I’ll be listening now to the OBC album plus watching a b**tlg, I’m not totally sure when it took place I just know Will Roland is in it so at the very least New York.  Keep in mind whatever I think of this show, if I end up hating it, if you like it you’re right.  My opinion in no way invalidated anybody else’s or is above anyone else’s in my eyes, frankly I don’t enjoy not liking things, it just means I don’t get to come to the party and that’s not fun.  So I might be poking fun at the show sometimes but if this speaks to you, that is fucking awesome!  Also I’m old now and I guess no longer the target audience for stuff like this.  

Spoilers for those who haven’t watched the show and don’t want to know stage stuff because I’ll be commenting on that.  This ended up being really long, eh.  

More Than Survive -ok this song I’ve heard before, and it both turned me off the show and also made me respect the hell out of it, because much like I give a salute to Black Mirror having the balls to make pig sex their pilot, I salute a musical that starts with jerking off -So far like Roland a little more than the previous guy.  From what I’ve gathered from clips, while that dude is hella talented and cute as a button I kind of buy Roland as a terrified, desperate, frustrated high school kid more   -Man I really do dig the hell out of the score and there is no denying this is catchy but some of these lyrics are so cringe -WHY IS A TEEN IN 2019 REFERENCING JOE PESCI?! -Ok I love the idea of a short bully calling somebody “tall ass” -I do like Jeremy’s body language better in this one. Also does he vocally remind anyone else of Max from Goofy Movie?  Maybe this song just reminds me  of “After Today” for no reason. -“super pimp” “mac daddy game”....OK!  I’m going to try not to list every time I cringe.  I just have questions -You don’t  want to be Clooney...high school child in 2019 is Clooney really your reference for cool?  Sorry I just struggle with this stuff because I keep hearing how this show is so in touch with kids these days but I just see:

-lol Michael came on and people went apseshit in the audience.  All my nitpicks aside I bet this room probably has some great energy. -..Michael the clerk at 7/11 doesn’t pour your slushie, it’s self serve.  Are you trying to seem cool to Jeremy right now? -Aah the boyfriend backpacks.  I know of this ship -Yeah Christine brings the flutes!!!  I was a flute player, we never get love -HAHA when Christine is doing her weird ass dance, in the recording I’m watching somebody right in front of the person recording just went “I don’t get this show”.  Like me too darlin, but you got 2 hours left so suck it up -Oh but sir, check the playbill.  The story is indeed about you -in summation this song kind of encapsulates everything I feel about this show, good performances and catchy as fuck and musically interesting and a lot of me asking “why”.

Play Rehearsal   -Well Christine is adorable -wow wait what?  wtf was that weird self harm comment???  Are we just gonna skip that??? -Ok I was a band kid in HS so I guess I don’t get this level of extra.  Band rehearsal is just tuning and then fucking around until somebody makes you play Bach -...is Christine ok??? -Ok I think at least for now I may hate her.  But I like that Jeremy likes her, likes her passion and such.  I approve of her conceptually!  I just don’t wanna be around her -I thought play rehearsal was gay, Rich?!  WHAT YOU DOIN AT PLAY REHEARSAL RICH?! -...I mean I’ve seen Romeo and Juliet as a zombie wasteland movie, I would watch Midsummer zombies

More Than Survive Reprise -”least I didn’t have a breakdown and have to go the nurse” Ok fair, I can relate to that high school experience -this set is kind of working for me, basic but fun and the floor is neat -I know high school bullies are a thing I guess? But I always just saw them in movies?  Now Middle School bullies were legit and terrible and I got the shit kicked out of me, but by HS I feel like everybody was too into their own shit to care much about anyone else??  Maybe that was just my school -Will Roland’s body language is real good in this show

The Squip Song -Oh!  Surprise Rich lisp. Creative way to show how this thing alters you -..ok now we know about Rich’s dick size.  I mean hon your short, maybe your penis is just proportionate?   -DO I DETECT SOME THEREMIN IN THIS ORCHESTRATION?!   Gimme all the theremin!   -Ok so the squip made him be an asshole?  Does he secretly want to be buddies with Jeremy? -Ok what the fuck are the people in the background doing here?!? -I know people ship Michael and Jeremy but I feel like Rich kinda wants to jump that tall ass??

Two Player Game -Ok the little sign for the game that came up was cute -These guys are kinda cute, even if I wish they’d tone down Michael’s “I’M QUIRKY!!  YOU GET IT?!?” shtick -That is accurate!  Y’all will be cool in college and I don’t see that brought up often -This is the first time I’ve found the choreography fun   -...why is this dad allergic to pants?? -ah.  Depression=no pants.  And now I get why Jeremy’s so desperate not to stay as he is.  Well points for making it not just about the girl -awww Michael is his bae -bro I’ve heard Loser Geek Whatever, you’re tellin lies right now to your buddy -LOL!  WTF IS THIS WINDOWS SCREENSAVER OF A VIDEO GAME?!? -oh wow dancin went off the rails here at the end

Squip Enters -Mountain Dew?  Well, better than Surge I guess.   -Ok the Ecto Cooler line legit made me laugh.  And I guess I could come down on the show for making Michael psyched about a drink that came out before he was born, but I have a pretty intense Crystal Pepsi obsession and that shit came out when I was maybe 4?  So I get it Michael, you go enjoy your liquid ghosts -well that squip thing doesn’t look fun -Oooooh Ok Keanu is like factory setting, alright I’ll accept this.  Though I will say this show would be 35% better if he was dressed like Keanu from Bill and Ted

Be More Chill Prt 1 -Hey stop shitting on Jeremy.  I think I kinda like him -wow Keanu, I didn’t think you’d be so mean -I mean everyone chanting “everything about you sucks” is just how peeps with anxiety feel constantly.  Eminem shirt ain’t gonna fix that -”Jerry-me” ok Will Roland is kind of making this work for me.   -Him repeating everything the squip said is a fun little sequence.  Like I dig this conceptually, scifi musicals are rare and can be neat - Lol the hate who they hate thing is pretty accurate

Do You Wanna Ride? -hey Jeremy what about Christiiiiine

Be More Chill Part 2 -the beginning of this song broke me a little.  Hey!  I’m feelin a thing! -this song is pretty fun!  It works!   -though the cast of like 10 people that just keep putting on different wigs make it feel like a high school play or a starkid production

Sync Up -ok so now I know I’m watching previews?  Because sync up isn’t here -I do think this song is a really good addition.  I mean it’s not like a stand out fantastic song but it does a good job getting across the themes and drives home the whole “everybody has problems” thing too which I like -Ok..dairy line was weird.  

A Guy I Could Kinda Be Into -Ok the weird girl fighting stuff about Jake is unpleasant and sort of unnecessary -a squip gives you a deep voice and the ability to kinda do accents.  Cool -ooo this is catchy, this is gonna make the spotify playlist -the goofy background hearts are cute.  I still don’t know why she’s into Jake or why she’s friends with Jeremy or if they should be together since legit the only thing she thinks they have in common is theater which he doesn’t care about..but this song is still cute -lol squips understand friend zone

Upgrade -DID THIS SHOW JUST KILL EMINEM?! -How did the squip know that?!  Does Eminem have a squip??  I mean it kinda makes sense.. -Don’t you see Jerbear?! The key to popularity is in this girl’s vagina!  Happy they cut the “I’ll tenderly guide you just take me inside you” thing, little creepy -Why did Jake make a kicking motion to illustrate cricket?  I’m like 85% sure Jake doesn’t know what cricket is... -the “feel all the feels” like is a little goofy but I really like the rewrite for this song, showing some depth of character.  Good job, show!  And I’m seeing some chemistry between these two, but I don’t know if I’m meant to? -Oh no!  The whole “you looked at me” thing from Brooke was so sweet and sad.  And the player two thing.  Yeah this OG version of this song can go fuck off, the rewrite is a really good tune.  I’ll admit the original maybe built up the horror a little, the squip sounds more threatening coming in at the end but I like where there going making this about everyone and not just Jeremy

Loser Geek Whatever -Squip blocked Michael??  You’re a dick, Keanu Reeves -I didn’t love this song when I first heard the single but hearing the version on the album and the stripped down piano version, I really really like it.  Gives me some of those old geek feels from back in the day -sort of surprise by how little is happening on stage though?  I sort of assumed something was happening as the song built?  But nope, just Will rocking his wee heart out -LOL!  What is Squip’s new outfit???

Halloween -Ah, it’s this show Big Fun.  This is a lot catchier than Big Fun though -I went to exactly one of these kinds of parties in HS, just replace Halloween with punks after a rock show and add a lot more drugs.  I didn’t hide in a bathroom but I did hide next to the stairs until my mom came and got me.  Memories!!  You know what this show is succeeding I suppose, it’s making me have HS feels -...is Jake dressed as Thomas Jefferson? -Jenna you’re too cute for that costume.  You should get to wear something sexy too!  Unless you just dig clowns in which case enjoy yourself hon -Ooooooh Prince, I get it -this is not this show’s fault at all but I struggle with dancing in shows.  I mean the title of my blog is The Girl Who Used to Hate Musicals because I did, and while I love them now extended dancing sequences still take me out of a show real fast.  I know I’m in the minority here -...what the fuck is that weird fuzzy thing with the big teeth -Hot damn!  Go Rich!  Dancin fool

Do You Wanna Hang? -I don’t like any part of this plot line... -Ok!  Didn’t realized she was dressed like a “sexy baby” so the diaper line sort of horrified me.  I mean it still does!  I just understand it now

Michael in the Bathroom -hey the bathtub!  Ok I know enough to know what happens now -Jeremy why you gotta be so mean -I mean what is there to say, great song.  I wondered if they’d change anything for the new recording and I dig the arrangement, especially the stripped down acoustic guitar and piano parts!! Also as a lady who maybe once or twice since discovering this song has gotten tipsy and sung it karaoke-like, appreciate the slower and the higher.  It’s not a lot, just a bit, but makes it less of a struggle to match.  Thanks bro!

A Guy That I’d Kinda Be Into (Reprise) -Finally!  They’re both giant doofs but I see some connection!  And I mean my roommate and I have noises we always make at each other like a call and response, so I gets it -He asked it!  So proud.  Rejected but proud of the boy, and rejected for good reasons

The Smartphone Hour -Heard part of this song before.  Really like this Jenna more than original Jenna, her performance was a little much for me -This is one of those songs where I really do feel like I’m watching a HS original production..but a good one?  Maybe cause I haven’t seen something like this on Broadway, but that’s a good thing.  Always good to see new kinds of things on Broadway -lol what is the middle of this song?!  I feel like I’m suddenly watching a cheer squad or like a John Waters inspired musical, which from what little I know of Joe Iconis I think he’d be cool with that comparison

The Pants Song -Jeremy don’t be mean to your dad! -Yipes is this the Break in a Glove or Dead Gay Son of BMC?? -....yeah it totally is -”Do you love him??” Has Jeremy’s dad finally given up on finding a girl in Jeremy’s room? -Ok ok I’m gettin the ship

The Pitiful Children -So squip just looks like this now, I thought maybe he was just being fancy for Halloween -Hot damn Jenna!  Why were we savin that voice?! -I feel like I’m missing something with these weird hand motions the squip is always, do they actually mean something? -goosestepping...alright.  Oh no Jeremy did the hand motions, I think that means a thing

The Play -Jeremy is being so creepy but he means well?  I guess?   -lol using the play to spread the squips is pretty clever -wtf red mountain dew?  Really?  You know what fuck it, discontinued drinks for the win.  Maybe my saved bottles of Crystal Pepsi will stop an apocalypse one day! -Michael’s entrance was cute, and hey he just happens to have code red.  I wish ecto cooler was what shut it off. -The glitching voice is crazy when Jeremy is fighting Michael and I love the way Jeremy is sort of bobbing up and down in fighting stance like a video game character,  Fun touch -squip is making Jeremy go all Idle Hands! -I prefer the recording version of the guys making up, the whole “I just wanted to be liked” “I just wanted to be seen” thing -the squip has to be so extra even in death

Voices in My Head -hey lispy Rich is back!  And bi now I guess? -Oh is that why people think Michael/Jeremy are a thing?  The squip blocked Rich’s bi thoughts from him and it blocked Michael from Jeremy’s vision?  I mean it would be an interesting story, I’d take it. -This might be my favorite song and I don’t really know why, I don’t super love that Jeremy still gets Christine in the end but I just love how this song sounds -I’ve never heard a character wearing pants get an applause? -improved lyrics in the Broadway version, and since it got more into the popular kids as people you can kinda see why they’d still stay friend with Jeremy -”I’ll throw you a rope home slice if you need some dope advice” like is this parody?  What is this??  Well..still my fav song despite this line.  A line they liked so much it’s the one original popular kid line they kept in the new version??? -don’t know if I see much future for these two, but Jeremy’s reaction to the kiss was cute -”Of the voices in my head the loudest one is mine” is my favorite line of the show -lol Rich’s little sneak hug.  I feel like Rich always wanted to be friends with Jeremy?  Or had a crush on him and that’s why his squip made him beat Jeremy up?  Is this pairing a thing?

Final thoughts:  This was so stupid long, nobody read this but that’s ok!  It was fun to take notes anyway.  Listening to it all, I liked it more than I thought I would, especially with the lyric changes.  I don’t know if I would like it as much if it wasn’t Will Roland, the dude just really made this character likable when he could very easily not be.  Some of the lines still bug me, there’s still a lot of cringe here but there’s also a lot of good stuff.  This show introduced me to Joe Iconis and I’m slowly falling in love with him from his other work and CANNOT WAIT for Broadway Bounty Hunter because that sounds so like my jam.  Overall I do get why people like this show, especially younger people because you can relate to the characters but maybe you want something a little peppier than DEH.   I don’t think this is a soundtrack I’m going to ever listen to all the way through, but I’m for sure grabbing a handful of songs and sticking them on my musical play list.  And when this thing goes on tour and ends up in LA, I think it would probably be worth checking out if I can, looks like a fun watch.  Though with all the young fans and internet fans if they’re smart they’re gonna record this bitch.

[nezoid]

I met Évelyne Brochu! 😻🙌👌💜🤙 I waited for Évelyne Brochu after “L'Idiot” on Thursday (April 12, 2018) and I was the only one who waited. She hugged me 3 separate times and blew me a kiss. We talked about how I flew in from LA that morning to see her and she said “Wow, that’s so nice! And I made you wait, I had friends visit me backstage” and hugged me. I told her “No worries” and that she was amazing and that I got this ticket cheap + got a free ticket for Saturday’s show from a Tumblr buddy, all I needed to find was a flight and a place to stay. Thankfully I was able to book a cheap flight and found a place walking distance from the theatre. Then she complimented my leather jacket and I pointed out that a bunch of the pins were of her and she said “Aw! I didn’t even notice. Oh an ‘X Company’ one” and proceeded to touch and feel lots of the pins, but stopping on the one of Cosima and Delphine and said “I really love this one!” I said “Oh yes, my fave, you and Tatiana.” And she said “Isn’t Tat the best?” I told her “Yes definitely” and that I was lucky enough to get a pic with Tatiana a few weeks ago at the “Outside In” screening and she said she hadn’t seen that movie but will check it out. We got to talking about how I got to see Tat at a couple of UCB shows because of our mutual love for the theatre and how I took pictures/gifs and Tat even posted one of my pictures to her Instagram and Évelyne said “oh what’s your name on Instagram, I’m going to have to check out your work as a photographer.” I told her that that’s very kind, but it’s just a hobby and that lead to me talk about how I’m a caregiver and that UCB and events and stuff + photography is just my outlet and fun for me. The pins reminded me of the Andy Shauf patch I got her, so I said that she had recommended Andy Shauf during an X Company interview and because of that I was found out about him was able to see him live a few days before the Orphan Black’s Paleyfest panel (he’s so good!), I was hoping to give the patch to her after the panel, but wasn’t able to, so I gave it to her on Thursday and she said “oh (something in french that I didn’t understand, but I’m pretty sure I had literal heart eyes), I’m going to put it on my jean jacket!” She asked me how I like “L'Idiot” and I embarrassingly told her that I don’t know french but I read the cliff notes and watched the movie version with English subtitles so I got what was going on. I told her I liked the fact that they break the forth wall and talk to the audience. And she was like “Yeah! I do too, I mean why not, they usually kind of make sly gestures to the audience, but never fully talk to them.” I was like “yeah it’s great to interact with the audience cause then to feed off the energy.” She said “Yeah, I agree. We had an afternoon show with a bunch of teenagers who had roaring laughter to the jokes and it made us feel like rockstars.” Then before I could chicken out I had to thank her for Delphine and that if it wasn’t for her (and Tatiana/Cosima) I wouldn’t have explored my sexuality, but then I got flustered and was like “Sorry, it’s a long story, never mind” and she said “Hey, don’t rush, it’s okay, I’m here.” 😻😻😻 So I took a breath and proceeded to tell her that because I became a caregiver for my mom, I had to drop out of school and stop working to take care of her and because of it I got depressed and lost who I was. When I found OB I was working through that and I realized I truly didn’t know who I was anymore and when Delphine said “I have never thought about bisexuality. I mean, for myself, you know?” something clicked. If it wasn’t for her and Tatiana I wouldn’t have gotten one step closer to finding who I am. She pulled me into and hug and said “Wow, thank you for sharing that with me. I’m glad for you. You and I now have this and the show, thanks to John and Graeme and everyone.” We took a selfie in the middle of all this talking and she was like “how is the light here? Hmm, no let’s go over here.” And I was like “maybe I could ask someone to take it with flash” and she said “no, a selfie is better so we are closer.” She hugged me once more and said “thank you visiting my hometown, enjoy exploring Montréal. Tomorrow should be a good day to explore cause of the weather. It’s like 10 which is nothing to you.” I said it was 90 degrees when I left LA so I’m pretty sure I’m going to get sick, but it’s worth it.“ We laughed and she said “Ok, I’m going to go sleep.” I was like “Oh yeah, of course. I’m sleepy too, I got in at like 10 AM and flew out at 11 PM from LA and on top of that I had a layover in Toronto, so I’m pretty much running on fumes.” She said “Shit, that’s why it was a cheap flight!” We laughed again and I said “but it was totally worth it.” And she said “I love it.” She said “I’ll see you Saturday” then she blew me a kiss and said “au revoir, mon cher”. I waited for Évelyne again after I saw L'Idiot for second time on Saturday (April 14, 2018). I brought her a gift (a box of chocolates from the place I had brunch and a cat toy for her cat, that I had seen while exploring the city). I apologized because I don’t know much about cats and I obvs don’t know anything about her cat. She said “Oh! That is so sweet, you are so sweet!” I told her that “They apparently just got the toy in that day and it had lasers and threw treats and stuff, so hopefully it enjoys it.” And she was like “my cat doesn’t have toys, she has been playing with like a cork thing.” And we laughed. Then I told her that the audience’s reaction was so much more outward and loud. And she was like “Oh yeah, I could feel it. You were here Thursday right? Yeah, it’s great when it’s loud like that. We were feeding it to each other.” I then asked her if we could take a picture with my camera this time. And she said “Oh yeah, maybe we can ask someone.” she instantly switched to french to ask someone. Swoon. Someone offered and she said “Oh hold on, let me take my hair down.” Proceeds to pull her hair down and shake it out and comb her fingers through it. Ugh. 🤤😻 Then we took one picture, but we blocked the way and it was a bit blurry, so we switch sides and then took it again. I went to look at the picture and Évelyne looked over and said “Are my eyes open? Oh we look great!” Then I told her if she can sign my playbill and she asked how to spell my name and she said “oh belle.” I told her the origin of my name (First 3 letters of my parent’s name put together. Dad : DIOnisio + mom : ZENaida = DIOZEN). Then I thanked her and told her I didn’t want to keep her because I knew she had two shows that night. And she said “Yeah I’m dead, we had 7 shows in 5 days” and I blurted out “Well you look great.” She giggled and said “Thank you” Then she said “Sorry the weather is bad, but I hope you are enjoying Montréal.” And I told her “I was able to sightsee yesterday at Old Montréal. Today is freezing, but it’s still gorgeous.” She said “Well that’s good.” Then she thanked me again for the gifts and hugged me while simultaneously saying in my ear “Safe travels.” Then I said “Thank you, take care.” She said “you too! Bye!” And blew me a kiss again. This is way too long, but I had such an adrenaline rush after these two shows/meetings and didn’t want to forget or miss a damn thing so I typed this all out after walking back to my hotel. L'Idiot was excellent! !!!SPOILERS!!! Évelyne played Nastasya Filipovna so well! Like Nastasya as a character flips from being a very strong/confident and falling apart. And she definitely goes back and forth A LOT and Évelyne nailed it! And it’s crazy how she gives so much by not doing much. Like when she first steps out she literally stands still, staring at the audience, for like 5 minutes as people talk about her, then slowly you see her get annoyed and then she snaps at the men. She goes from hysterical laughter to fighting and choking another character/ being choked and all in these amazing outfits (big dresses, head pieces, jewelry, etc.) I can keep going on about how amazing Évelyne, but the rest of the cast was fantastic too. There is this one scene a party scene where the light and music switch to happy dancing from dark and intense. The lighting was so magical. I haven’t seen live theatre other than low budget school productions, so this might be the norm but I was mesmerized by what the lighting did and how it changed things. Strong and talented cast. Breaking the forth wall was a great decision, really killed with humor, emotion, drama, etc. You really are with the cast as an audience member and as if you are in it with them. I loved it and was so glad I got to see it twice. And my seats were from the very left and very right, so I got like every angle of the show. Haha UPDATE: You can’t take pictures in the theatre, photos 6, 7, 8 are © Yves Renaud. Anyway, Évelyne is an angel! L'Idiot was glorious. I bought a bunch of Évelyne’s movies for cheap without having to pay shipping to LA. I also got a bunch of albums of artist from Montréal that I love, without having to pay shipping. This trip was ace. I can’t thank my Tumblr buddy enough for the free ticket and I’m so glad I was able to find a cheap flight and hotel and my dad was able to take care of my mom. Thank you universe for letting everything fall into place for such an amazing trip. 😻🙌👌💕

[sugawithtae-blog]

BTS ‘Love Yourself: HER’ | Review (pt. 2)

READ PART 1 HERE

So after listening to BTS’ latest album, I’m left with a lot to say. Here are my first impressions, if you’re interested at all, on Love Yourself: Her.

disclaimer: if you’re easily butthurt about people criticising your faves and immediately go to attack those people - then DON’T READ THIS. also don’t take this too seriously, these are my first impressions after all. i might change my views later.

PLEASE READ: I wrote this when Love Yourself first released. It’s obviously been a long time since that happened (heck, there’s a new album just around the corner) but I’ve recently returned to this blog and wanted the Part 2 on here. A lot of my feelings on this album have evolved since it’s release. These were my first impressions and thoughts. Okay, I’m done.

Skit: Billboard Music Awards Speech

words to describe: …meh

favourite ‘lyrics’: remember what we say, “love myself, love yourself”

positives: it’s a cute speech, lol.

my critiques: OKAY SO I’M CONFLICTED. i’ll start off by reeling back to the actual BBMAs and their nomination as Top Social Artist. while i was shocked and ecstatic about their nomination and their winning of the award, i was also conflicted. our boys were officially transitioning into the western world. and while that is a huge step for kpop in general, i don’t know if it was entirely necessary. the western world; it’s a different audience. they have different traditions and trends, and while kpop is influenced by western music, i didn’t see a need for them to win an award there. let me explain some more. don’t get me wrong, i was super hyped when they were on the pink (?) carpet and going to all these interviews. i was super proud of them as a group, and i was super proud of namjoon as their leader, for how they handled everything. by the end of the night i was proud of them for reaching such a large scale audience, cos it really showed how far they’d come. by the end, i was happy for them. and that was that.

which is exactly my point. that was that. it happened. but did it deserve a special spot on this album?

in my honest opinion, no. it did not.

if bts really wanted to show their progression and accomplishment, i would have liked to have seen the MAMA award winning speech for Artist of the Year. Now ask yourself: what seems to acknowledge more of what bts has accomplished? Top Social Artist (an award that sees how popular you are on social media) or Artist of the Year (an award that sees how popular you are, but also takes into account the talent - music, choreo, production - everything you work hard at). never mind the award show, but what seems more prestigious?

The MAMA awards was iconic for BTS. we all saw how much they had dreamed of winning that award just by observing namjoon’s stressed out posture before the announcement was made, and how jin, jungkook, taehyung and yoongi cried their hearts out. and how much hoseok beamed on stage and how namjoon could barely speak. we all saw how much it meant to them.

sure, the bbmas were also a huge stepping stone for bts and kpop as a genre and as an industry. but this is bts we’re talking about. this is their album. i think the MAMA awards showcased their intense climb to the top, against a cutthroat industry, and against so many superiors that could have easily also deserved that award. it was much more commendable to win that award, in their own business, in their own industry, acknowledged by their own. but this is just my opinion.

MIC Drop

words to describe: legendary, THATBASSTHO, hype, edgy, MIC MIC BUNGEEEEE, lit

favourite lyrics: you thought i was gonna fail, but i’m fine, sorry // sorry mom, your son’s too hot // did you see my bag? my bag is full of trophies // even if i die now, i’m damn happy 

positives: uMM WHERE DO I START?

the very first time i listened to this i was thoroughly shookd and already knew i was gonna love this song 10 seconds in. actually, scratch that. i already knew i was gonna love this song when they released the tracklist.

the song itself just screams everything i love about bts. fuck the haters, fuck society, fuck the norm. this song is badass with some of the best rap i’ve heard from them. let’s start with j-hope.

okay FUCK ME. this man is so fucking versatile in his flow. by far he was the perfect choice to start this song off. also, the input of gun shots and cutoff beats added a new dimension to the song, and without them, the intro could’ve gotten boring really easily after a while. but the PRODUCTION of this track is absolutely insane, and paired with jhope’s rap, i love everything about it. then the switch from jhope to suga with the “MIC MIC BUNGEE” is mY ABSOLUTE FAVE.

now SUGA adds to the heat and everybody knows the second he starts rapping that his verse is going to be fire. he does not fail in anyway. BUT THE PART THAT SHOCKED ME WAS V’S ENTRANCE IN THE PRECHORUS UMM??? YES??? IM LIVING FOR HIS INPUT IN CYPHER’S COUSIN!!

also the beat drop does not disappoint!!!

and then rapmon comes in with his killer autotuned voice (i do not mind AT ALL) because it suits the song and the vibe so gOOD JOB BOYS (but maybe it went a little overboard but i still love it regardless). of course my boi can spit bars and he delivers.

but the bridge and the last verse has to be my absolute fav, and i love how they didn’t take the obvious route of just repeating the chorus again. instead they ended with a switched up beat and ended it on a super sweet note. juST!! EVERYTHING!! is done so well!!

my critiques: none. nada. sorry. 

Go Go

words to describe: fun, fresh, unexpected, tropical, sophisticated, stylish, feel-good, a total bop

favourite lyrics: worked hard on my pay, gonna spend it all on my stomach (relatable af) // YOLO YOLO YOLO YO (i find it funny but catchy af)

positives: this song is fun, funky, and unlike anything i’ve heard before. the mix of the bass with the flute and the overall beat is just so captivating and i CAN’T STOP LISTENING TO IT. my favourite verse has to be by rapmon because (to me at least) his voice stands out against V’s light and fun verse with the transition back to the heavy bass and beat. i also really love V’s “everybody” at the end because it gives me War of Hormone vibes (his growly voice that i absolutely LIVE for). i also love how each verse is different, so it keeps the song interesting throughout. even though i wish we had an ending beat drop to finish the song off, i don’t mind too much because at least it’s something you don’t expect - this makes it easier to listen to on repeat.

my critiques: again, none. this song is a total bop.

Outro: Her

words to describe: reminiscent, relaxed, cheerful

favourite lyrics: i wanna be the best man for you // you’re my beginning and my end, so you finish me // to me you are the morning, you woke me up

positives: this song, like many people have pointed out, reminds me of old-school bangtan. it takes me back to skool luv affair with those cheesy high school love songs. my favourite verse has to be jhopes but i honestly love all three. the chorus is a warm and fun sound, and it just makes me want to sway along and bob my feet to the beat.��

also this song was great for recovery after listening to MIC Drop and Go Go for the very first time cos i was absolutely SHOOKD by them.

my critiques: none, except for the fact that i won’t be listening to it too often. i feel that i’d have to be in the mood to listen to it. which is fine, and it’s not really a critique. i feel the same way about Intro: Serendipity and most of their solo tracks on Wings, but that doesn’t mean i don’t love them, because i do. Outro: Her is a simple and cheerful song and i love it. 

OVERALL THOUGHTS:

this album wasn’t absolutely everything i’d hoped for. it had a few hiccups with me, but overall it’s not a bad album. i’m left pleased and happy, but not fully content (or in other words, i don’t have the same feeling i had at the end of listening to some of their other albums). but that’s okay. in a way, i’m a little glad i didn’t completely love this album, because i think it’s healthy to be critical of your faves. and already a lot of these songs have been growing on me, so maybe i just need more time with some of this album. but for now, these are my final first impressions on Love Yourself: HER. thanks for reading! (if you made it to the end anyway lmao)

- Hana Xx

[lifeofgroffsauce]

Miscellaneous papers spilled from a crisp manilla folder held lax and haphazardly, clattering onto the apartment's hallway floor to cause a groan from the actor. Various safety waivers and film contracts now mixed up and out of the ascending order of dates he'd meticulously placed them in, was a hell of an end to the night. Crouching down to gather them, grumbling irritably as he did, he tried his best to reorganize the mess before knocking on the door.

“Jon Groff! My faaavorite client!”

The shrill ring of his, uncharacteristically drunk, agent Kelly hit his ears. It was her cheery smile that was infectious and suddenly he matched her enthusiasm, despite his previous misfortune seconds ago.  

“Oh my god, you're such a little liar!” He accused playfully then gestured to her relaxed posture against the wood slab that seemed to hold her up, having it half way open. “What are you doing on a Monday night, missy? Don't you have special agent things to be doing?”

Freshly manicured nails, tips too boxy in Jonathan's opinion, tucked a lock of blonde hair behind her ear. He noticed they both suffered the same fate when it came to alcohol flushing their cheeks. Hers, however, wore only a faint blush peeking through her artificially tan skin. “What?! Why are you- did you not get my email?” A gasp fled from her lithe form, soon swatting his arm. “Check your fucking emails more than once a year! Jesus, I sent you an e-vite!”

Just as he rose an inquisitive brow, she swung the door fully open, bright cerleans catching the light of the Brooklyn bridge out of gigantic panoramic windows lining the living room wall. A small group of people congregated about the space, all mingling with each other. They all appeared to be close friends and work connections.

“You're having a party? Oh my goodness,” He laughed almost nervously and mustered up a sheepish grin. “I'm super sorry. I wish I had known! I'll make a better habit of reading those but, it's really late and I just needed to-”

“Jonathan! Nooo, don't be sorry! Come in, come in!” To her urging, his lips parted to object but she quickly silenced him with her shushing, coiling her nimble digits around his larger ones. /Don't argue with Italians, even the five-foot-two short shits like Kelly./ He smirked at his own thought and walked in.

“You know Drew Gehling, right?” The boozy Kelly slurred her way through each introduction like a proper hostess. A striking baritone voice flooded the space with his drawl, steps moving toward the agent as they circled around the dining table. “Why bother asking, Kels. Tall, dark, handsome. Fits Jonathan's type perfectly. Of course they know each other.”

Jonathan's muscles tensed slightly, his mouth pulling a tight-lipped grin. “Though I guess the 'tall' box has been unchecked. New boyfriend's on the vertically challenged side.” Zachary offered a sassy smirk to Jon to let him know he was joking and calm him down; unfortunately, it did the opposite. He was painfully reminded of where he should  be versus where he was.

“He's flexible; that's all that matters,” Flew from his lips faster than his brain could register. It earned him a chuckle from his ex-boyfriend. J shrugged.

Kelly, the serial gasper at this point, followed with a grip of Jon's bicep. “Oh my god, I fucking meant to talk to you about all those Instagram posts! Stop with the lovey crap or Jeana will actually have a job to do- and Jon- I'd rather keep her on standby and not pay her an exorbitant amount of money because you're in your feelings...” She continued to scold him, but he had long since tuned her out as, in paranoid fashion, his focus was on studying Quinto until the tall male left the room to go refill his oversized glass of chardonnay.

Another theatre family member (he remembered as Lin's “cousin”) joined their conversation and began a debate regarding the proper use of social media. Jonathan eased up a bit when he saw Zach return but rather than engage, turned to his own huddle of friends on the other side of the room. /I'll stay for a little while longer, I don't want to be rude./

Before he knew it, a blush colored wine glass was being thrust into one of his hands he was animatedly driving his point home with. Without thought, he accepted it, not aware it was Zachary that had given it to him until several moments after. Naturally, the thirty-three year old regarded him with a polite nod, watching as he seamlessly dove into the topic at hand.

“I just don't see the point in lying on social media about who you are or what you do. Why try to make someone believe you pop bottle of Dom every weekend and prance around on a private beach every holiday? Stop stunting.” One actor in their bundle scoffed.

While Jonathan's eyes were taking in the many that had swarmed around their expanded circle, Zach spoke up. His left arm leaned against the kitchen's accent wall. “I take it you've never heard of 'escape theory'? Mm, what a shame, Brandon.”

A click of his tongue snagged Groff's attention, wine kissing his lips, attention on Quinto. “All of us here; we're trying to find an outlet to help us step outside, escape- if you've put two and two together- who we are for a fragment in time. It can be as simple as that evening glass of cheri you have in your underwhelming studio apartment, or as large as the theatre audience seeing you stripped down, bare-assed, utterly exposed for eyes to feast on your body. You don't think posting photographs on social media does that as well?”

He was met with silence; the group stealing glances but not quite knowing how to move forward. Quinto took that as a que to continue speaking, this time with a tone that was introspective. “We can project anything out into the world... put out... anything, but the hardest thing to do is show it who we are. To the core. That's why people 'stunt' on social media. Maybe, after a while, we'll start to believe it, too. We'll start to believe we're something more than we actually are.”

Another pause. “Here I just thought everyone had Cartier bracelets and endless frequent flier miles.” Jon deadpanned, earning laughter from everyone, as well as a slightly grim smile from Zachary. The older actor excused himself, accidentally (intentionally?) brushing his front against the Hamilton star's chest when he passed.

“Jeez, Zach!” Kelly coughed, senses overloaded at the trail he left in his wake. “Use more Bleu de Chanel, please. I don't think they can smell your bougie ass in Chelsea!”

Two hours later...

“Drive safe. Take back alleys. The scenic routes. Turn on your Friends app so I can see when you're home.” The demands came at lightening speed from his drunk agent, whom he was sure peppered some Italian expletives in there. “Kelly Bean, I'm good. Three glasses of wine. Solid as a rock. Go to bed.”

He watched the petite woman tuck herself into the Pottery Barn sheets then began his quest for the door, stopped only by the sound of glasses clanking together. Everyone was gone with the exception of two. While the first was exhausted beyond belief, seeing the second clearing the glasses off the table alone guilted him. “Do you... do you want help with this?”

The onyx haired man shook his head no. “I'll have you know, I'm very domestic now, Groff. I got it. Go home,” He insisted. “I would just feel bad if I left this for her because honey, with that hangover she's going to have tomorrow, she's going to be wishing for death. Dirty crystal will be the catalyst that pushes her over the edge; the Brooklyn nutcase. That's why you don't get involved with Virgos.”

Jon nodded slowly as he spoke, semi-entertained though far away in his mind. It caused him to approach his next set of words with caution. “Hey, do you remember... I know this was a long time ago and it's probably super unprofessional because of, you know, the show, but...” A sigh. “When we were together, maybe the first six or so months, we- we did a scene. It was super intense...” He was gaging Quinto's, so far, anti-climactic reaction. “I threw up...” An embarrassed laugh leaked into the air.

“Which time? I remember that you had the weeeeakest stomach,” The laugh that followed from Zachary was filled with nostalgic amusement. After diving up the glasses in even rows into the dishwasher, he spun around to pin his broad back against the pantry door, raising a finger. “I think you may have cried once, too. I don't do crying so, kind of let you do your thing on that one. A little dark, in retrospect.” His hand waved back and forth, not too sold on the idea that he added, “To be fair, I mean; we did a lot of intense stuff. We were intense stuff.”

The gears in Jonathan's brain were turning. An odd comfort came from hearing him stress were. Mentally noting to keep that in his arsenal when he had to balance his career and relationship. As if that justified him being there talking to him, instead of at home, spooning Lin as he promised. The lyricist was never far from his mind, especially as he stood in the warm cast of light in the otherwise empty home, staring at the distant embodiment of someone he cared about.

Zachary was a walking memory; an old polaroid that had discolored and aged with time. Circumstances were what they were. No amount of positive narration would change the way something was. Not even the comfort a lie would provide. There was ice and the bite of winter whenever he looked at him.

He greatly preferred Lin, who was a photo album with more promise and opportunity for happiness. A radiating warmth that flowed from a steadily burning fire. Thoughts, the splitting wood and radiant embers that transformed into something beyond what is expected. In life, he'd found another soul he believed shared a part of his. They were intertwined in some cosmic way, and life was too short to not pursue that. Even if that meant he had to intervene in the man's own marriage to make it happen.

Still, none of this quelled the incessant internal squabbling that came with trying to piece together... the reality. /To weed through the lies of the past is necessary to have a better understanding of the future's truth./ Some shit his therapist told him that he wished he hadn't. Now he couldn't stop trying to remember.

Lingering whispers of anxiety multiplied into an fierce entity that occupied his headspace long after he'd left. Two small pills were his savior, dissolving into his Rosé-filled gut.

Finally, he made it home.

Luckily, his boyfriend was out cold. Feet weren't as coordinated as they could have been, stumbling while attempting to take off his jacket. The blunt hit of his kneecap on the night stand caused his hiss before he whispered apologies to the offending piece of furniture. Resuming his place with the Puerto Rican in his embrace, a smile graced his lips. He could only hope his aura remained as peaceful as it did in this moment.

[sinceileftyoublog]

The Versions of Shannon Lay

Photo by Denée Segall

BY JORDAN MAINZER

The story of how LA-based folk singer-songwriter Shannon Lay came to commit to music full-time is legendary. It’s akin to Radiohead seeing Jeff Buckley live leading to Thom Yorke’s heartbreaking performance on “Fake Plastic Trees”, but this time, it’s a different kind of inspirational folk luminary. Lay watched Jessica Pratt’s quiet, contemplative, yet all-encompassing music dominate a room; if there’s a demand for it, she, too, could do it, she thought after watching Pratt’s set. Lay decided to quit her job of 7 years at a vintage shop in August of 2017, the month being the namesake of her best album to date and one of the finest of 2019.

August exemplifies so much that Lay does well. The surprisingly linear spontaneity of opener “Death Up Close”--which starts with a misstep and eventually features a Mikal Cronin saxophone solo--is contrasted by the flaneur of “Nowhere”, an ode to enjoying the circular journey without an end, where her voice travels in the opposite direction of the song’s lilting melody. “Will I ever see through?” Lay asks, but not too bothered, layered over drums and hand claps. She sees the humor and delight in the smallest moments: Gorgeous and simple standout “Shuffling Stoned” is a scene in a record store in New York City, a customer buying weed from his dealer as small spider crawls on his stack of records. Many people would want the spider killed, but Lay sees it as no less a sign of life than anybody else. Most remarkable is “November”, dedicated to the woman left behind, Molly Drake, the mother of the late Nick. “Molly did you feel the sting / Of November songs gone quiet,” she asks, again not expecting an answer but knowing that asking the question, embodying another’s state of mind, is what’s important. 

Live last month at Lincoln Hall opening for Cronin, Lay and her band members (Denée Segall, Sofia Arreguin, and Shelby Jacobson) were effortlessly good. August songs like “Sea Came to Shore”, in studio just guitar and violin plucks, were much more forceful on stage, while old favorites like “Parked” allowed Lay to show off her finger-picking and English folk chops. The band ended their set with an a capella, almost unrecognizable version of Italo house classic “Everybody Everybody” by Black Box, further cementing Lay’s ability to adapt material to suit her style. The audience, even one prepared for the hell-raiser to follow, loved it. It makes sense; if anybody has experience slaying in front of all types of crowds, it’s Lay, who also plays in Ty Segall’s Freedom Band. She’s thankfully unafraid to call out talkers when necessary, as she told me over the phone earlier this year. “Nick Drake quit halfway through his first tour because people were talking during his set,” she reminded me. “People [who talk] don’t have empathy...they’ve never been up on stage,” she added. Ever the wise reader of people, but one too thankful to let it get to her too much, Lay moves on.

During our interview, Lay shared the stories behind some of the songs, videos, and lines from August, as well as explained her inspiration from The Simpsons, true crime, and Nick Drake and Karen Dalton. Read our conversation, edited for length and clarity, below. 

at Lincoln Hall

Since I Left You: A lot of the context of the album you’ve shared in other interviews or through the bio. Is there something else the listener might not pick up in terms of how August is unique as compared to your past releases?

Shannon Lay: I wanted this one to be overtly positive. Not as moody as my last ones. I think that was the main difference that I felt--this undercurrent of joy I had never really had making a record. There was always a heartache involved or a brooding of the state of the world. Now, more than ever, I feel like you gotta do what you want to do. Being able to experience and appreciate that and encouraging other people to do that too.

SILY: Did doing music full-time help you think about things in new ways?

SL: Yeah, for sure. It kind of freed up so much brain space that was taken up by the usual life stuff. It was cool to put all of my energy into one thing I cared about so much. It was a really amazing experience I had never really had.

SILY: What was your job?

SL: I was working at a vintage store called Squaresville. It was a great little store. I grew up there, working there from 19-26. Really formative years of my life. The store bought clothes from the public, so there were all these new faces coming in. The staff would have been an amazing sitcom. Everyone was just the most incredible character. It was a ton of fun. My boss at the time was just so supportive--always let me go on tour and come back. She was a huge reason I was able to do this in the first place.

SILY: That’s nice to hear. A lot of the time when you hear about these types of stories, it’s about escaping some sort of soul-sucking desk job.

SL: I was very lucky. I had a cool environment to be in.

SILY: Do you still keep up with them?

SL: Yeah, for sure!

SILY: The first song on the record--does that start with a recorded misstep?

SL: Yeah, it was a total accident. As we were going through the tape, I just fell in love with that moment. The song comes in so quick, it was kind of a “Roll it!” moment, and then the record just goes.

SILY: So it was something you just heard and were like, “We should keep that in”?

SL: Totally. When we were doing the mastering, they had taken it out, since they thought it was a mistake--we were like, “Put it back in! Put it back in!”

SILY: Where did you get the idea for the video for “Death Up Close”?

SL: Me and the director, Matt Yoka, we had been talking about that idea for a year. We finally had just enough money to pull it off. Matt’s the best in the sense that when he gets an idea in his head, he’s going to make it happen no matter what, so we just had the most fun ever. We built all of it. Everybody was so nice. Most of the people were just volunteering. The concept behind it was mainly the idea of having a safe space in your mind that’s never changing no matter how much you change. For me, that’s obviously The Simpsons, my total safe haven, end all be all childhood memory show, and something I still watch every day. It was amazing to become yellow.

SILY: Is there a specific line or joke from The Simpsons that you think about all the time?

SL: The one that comes to mind is such a weird deep cut. There are tons of them. [laughs] There’s one where George Bush moves into the Simpsons’ neighborhood...this is not funny to anybody...there’s one point where Bart comes over and George Bush yells to Barbara Bush, “Bart’s here, we gotta get him out of here,” or something, and she’s just like, “I’m making pies, it’ll be a while!” That’s the joke that I think of. [laughs] There’s so many. I also love the one where Lisa starts to play hockey and Marge has Milhouse’s teeth from the show before. I’m just like, “Stop showin’ us those.”

SILY: There are so many good Easter Eggs.

SL: Yeah, totally.

SILY: What was the story behind your video for “Nowhere”?

SL: I did that one with my house mate Chris [Slater]. He’s a great director. We just used our phones for that one. I found an 8 MM app that was available. We just went around our neighborhood taking some footage, and he put his editing magic on it. I really like the way that one came out. It was a cool visual moment.

I wish music videos had more of an impact, but I think they’ve become this weird thing. You remember back in the day, Making the Video, and they had a yacht, and it was this huge thing...the new Missy Elliott video totally harks back to it, like she has different looks and different dancers.

SILY: The song “November” references Nick Drake’s mother. You see a lot of songs about a prolific or important singer-songwriter who left too soon. Why did you decide to explore the perspective of his mom?

SL: I guess sort of the fact that he did live at home. It was just a normal night that he went to sleep, woke up, had a bowl of cereal, and took one too many pills. I just imagine his mom waking up in the morning and feeling this silence in the house. It just must have been such a crazy moment. I don’t think it was any secret he had some emotional problem, but you never expect anything like that to happen. Putting myself in her shoes for a minute, and feeling such a strong presence leave the world, it must have been really emotional and intense. At the same time, what he left behind was incredible. He’ll live forever. He’s more alive now than he’s ever been because of how many people have discovered his music. I was thinking about the inherent sadness of losing a loved one, especially someone where everyone outside of them could see their potential, but maybe they’re struggling. It’s a whole thing. [laughs]

SILY: I love the story behind “Shuffling Stone”. Do you like spiders?

SL: I do love spiders. Not when they’re on me, but I do like spiders.

SILY: “Something On Your Mind” was released before this record was even announced. Had you always planned on putting it on the record?

SL: I didn’t, but it just became clear to me that it sums up what I’m trying to portray and how I’m feeling. The amount of people who don’t know who Karen Dalton is--I’d love to spread more awareness of her. I discovered that song relatively recently and it really hit me, so I started playing it live, acoustic guitar and vocals. Whenever someone did know that song, they’d be like, “Dude, thank you so much for playing that song. I love that song.” I think it’s that kind of a tune. If you have a relationship with it, it’s incredibly special, and to discover it is a really beautiful thing. I hope it points people in her direction.

SILY: What made you want to sign with Sub Pop?

SL: When we first finished the record, I kind of did an email blast and sent the record to all the labels we like. Sub Pop got back so fast and were so stoked. I was surprised because they don’t strike me as an overtly folk label, but that was exciting to me to, to be like, “Hell yeah, let’s bring a new perspective to this established, wonderful thing.” Then I met some people from there, and they were the most wonderful people. I’ve never really experienced the resources they have before. There’s a social media guy, and a PR girl. Everybody is working so hard in their specialized zones. It’s amazing to experience and be a part of. They just seemed so down to earth while also being very professional and serious at the same time. They’re awesome.

SILY: They are pretty stylistically diverse even if they haven’t done much folk. Your sound fits just because of that.

SL: Totally, yeah. It opens a lot of doors in my mind of what I could do.

SILY: I read one review that said Jessica Pratt inspired you to dedicate all your time to music.

SL: The first time that I saw her play, I was super deep in the rock scene. I had always been in really loud bands, considering that people want to see that kind of music. I saw her open for Kevin Morby in LA, and the whole room was silent, and she was just captivating everyone. It was incredible to watch. I immediately went home and booked my first solo show. I had no idea people wanted this kind of music, and I had been making that kind of music, so let’s see what happens, let me book a show. She was totally the catalyst for that. I was so in awe of the simplicity and the beauty of what she was bringing to the table. Music like what she makes has a lasting power and timelessness where you can be anyone and anywhere in the world and people will be captivated. It’s amazing.

SILY: Is it hard for you to switch back and forth between your solo shows and playing in bands?

SL: It’s kind of easy. It’s a matter of mindset and what alcohol you’re consuming. [laughs] I always go tequila for the loud shows, wine for the quiet shows. We’re saying the same things, but in very different ways. It’s kind of nice to have both perspectives.

SILY: What’s the story behind the cover art for the new record?

SL: The guy who took the photo, Matt Reamer, mentioned he wanted to do more portrait photography. He had always a lot of live stuff. We took photos, and as I was going through them, I came across that photo. I love how ambiguous it is. I could be thinking about anything in that photo. It’s whatever you want it to be. I had the idea of getting people to do different versions of it, and it became this cool, unique thing of these different perspectives and the evolution of me in the past year. I’ve been doing a ton of cleaning house, checking in, and learning new things about myself and not taking myself too seriously. It’s been a hell of a journey, and seeing these four versions of me felt really appropriate for the record.

SILY: Are you the type of songwriter who’s always working on new songs?

SL: I’ve been kind of stuck lately, because I’ve had a lot of stuff to work on, but there’s always a ton of voice memos on my phone, little snippets I work on in the car. I look forward to when I have a block of time where I can sit down. I’ve written quite a bit of the next record, but I probably have 5-6 songs to go. I’m excited to get back into it.

SILY: Is there anything you’ve been listening to, watching, or reading lately that’s caught your attention?

SL: I just watched Euphoria. That was really good. It really inspired my eyeliner game. I’m always listening to a lot of true crime. I’m a big true crime buff. It fascinates me--the extremity of people’s actions. That’s what that song “Wild” is about on August--the things we’re capable of.

SILY: That line, “We are kind things capable of the most evil,” is very fitting. You kind of nail nature versus nurture in just that line.

SL: Yeah, totally. It’s wild. [laughs] The age old question.

SILY: Are you a Forensic Files fan?

SL: I am! Whenever I’m in a hotel room, I know it’s gonna be on, and I’m stoked.

SILY: My girlfriend and I struggle to find new episodes. It’s always our “before bed” show, and we’ll start one and midway through be like, “Wait, we’ve seen this one.”

SL: Have you ever listened to a podcast called Small Town Dicks? It’s the voice of Lisa Simpson, Yeardley Smith, and she has this podcast. It’s amazing because it sounds like Lisa Simpson doing a true crime podcast, but it’s also amazing stories.

Album score: 8.5/10

[fuckyeahevanrwood]

Rebel and a Basket Case

Evan Rachel Wood, known for her leading role as a heroine and oldest host in the HBO Original series Westworld, as well as her roles in films Thirteen, The Wrestler, TV series True Blood and the mini series Mildred Pearce.  Her covetable award-winning catalog of acting roles barely highlights her deep rooted musical background she evolved at a very young age.

We get a squint of her prolific vocal talent as the star of the 2007 musical film ‘Across the Universe‘ as she covers 1960’s  Beatles songs.  

Fast forward to 2017; Evan and Zach chat with novelist Laura Albert about the inspiration for their debut album and the journey of writing songs whilst juggling an intense acting career.

Rebel and a Basket Case an edgy, 80’s inspired electro –pop duo who are reclaiming inspirational moments from their teenage music icons, The Breakfast club, Karaoke and verve for all that is a unicorn world.

Interview by Laura Albert

Laura: I very much love Westworld. Has the unfurling story which seems a constant peeling back of identity, seeped into your musical world?

Evan: Zach and I wrote a lot of the album while I was in production and while we were on a short hiatus. Playing that character definitely gave me a new found strength that trickled over into our music I’m sure. So many themes on the record have to do with overcoming oppressive situations and West World is very much the same.

Laura: Your music has an uplifting message — it understands suffering but offers support to lift others out of darkness. It brings to mind a quote from my mentor David Milch, “You know, people say that my writing is dark. And for me it’s quite the opposite. It sees light in darkness and it doesn’t try to distort darkness. The essential thing is that the seeing itself is joyful.” It seems like you share this philosophy – would be great to hear both your thoughts.

Zach: Yep. I’m all about being present in the journey. One of the greatest life lessons I’ve ever learned is that you “can learn just as much from a ‘bad’ experience, as you can a ‘good’ experience.” So either way, you are balancing the scales and moving “forward” more than anything. That is cumulative. That’s unstoppable. And growth is independent of how enjoyable a particular life challenge or experience is. So, I think we capture that in our music. There is always pain and hardship that comes along (eventually) in tandem with the greatest joy. That’s the spice of life. We all want to be happy. But those moments when we are not or challenged is when we learn the most about ourselves…and carry that knowledge forward allowing us to enjoy our happy moments all more the deeply.

Evan: A lot of the lyrics that I pulled out of my arsenal came from a time when I was suffering, heartbroken, oppressed, misunderstood, and generally teetering on madness. The fact that I made it out and feel like a better person for it taught me a lot. Especially because my work in film is usually really heavy and dramatic I felt I would drain myself if the music I made was similar. I wanted our songs and lyrics to acknowledge the struggle but also say, “Hey, you aren’t alone and it’s going to be ok. You will survive.” Making uplifting and empowering music can sometimes be more challenging. Just like it’s easier to take an insult rather than a compliment. I think especially where we are in the world right now, people know things are hard, people know things are bad, I feel like we need to be reminded that we can overcome.

Laura: You were brought together collaborating on music, can you tell us more about that, and how you both felt it was a fit worth exploring.

Zach: Originally, this tune I had written sounded pretty lame with my vocals in the lead…enter Evan. She has an amazing gift both as a vocalist, and as a writer, which I discovered later. Her talent was apparent, but when it seemed like our collaboration gave her a stage to fully explore the writer inside of her, I happy obliged. That she feels comfortable with me in that regard is an honor, and a pleasure. Her turn of word never ceases to amaze me, and opened me up musically to explore different territory. It’s incredible to work with her, see how her mind works, and see the connections she makes to music emotionally. And her explosiveness and dynamic ability as a performer is hard to rival. Which is lovely, because I have looked a long time for someone who can give me a run for my money in the performative arena. I think we push each other, and complement each other equally. That’s why it works.

Evan: Music was always my first love. I held it in such high regard and it was so precious to me I couldn’t even bring myself to put my own out in the world because I wanted it to be perfect. Linda Perry heard me sing, reached out to me and became a sort of mentor. She gave me that little push I needed and the confidence to just start, it didn’t have to be perfect. Once that door was open I started working with Zach on this play we did together and we started talking about music. We not only had great chemistry but it seemed like we had the same vision for what we wanted to achieve, not just musically but the general concept. We both loved androgyny, glam rock, and were born in the 80’s raised in the 90’s so we have a lot of the same influences stylistically. Zach was the first person I felt comfortable enough with to be vulnerable and share my writing and melodies. He was really patient and nurturing and it felt safe. Once those barriers were down it was like we couldn’t stop making music, it flowed so freely and naturally. Zach is incredible with the little details and he can hear things I just don’t. He is also the hook master!

Laura: I dig how your band name is taken from the stereotype-labels from John Hughes’ Breakfast Club — there is a power in taking on a label and owning it. When I was a kid, my mom taught be about the Chinese finger puzzle, a straw tube you put your fingers into. If you try to pull your fingers out, it tightens around your fingers. The only way out is in: when you press your finger deeper inside, then it magically opens. As  public figures, so many tags or typecasting can get thrust on you. But you are both freely exploring a variety genres, but ultimately it feels like you are inviting the audience to go deeper than the label or category — and by doing so, you can follow any rule want. Do you feel free to explore any genre of music with Rebel?

Evan: I feel like we have so many influences and what I love about our first record is that it all fits together but it shows a vast range. We were exploring and finding different parts of ourselves musically as a band and I think that reflects in a cool way on this album. I also think you need to keep reinventing yourself as an artist because as people we don’t stay the same, we grow and evolve so that can’t help but be mirrored in what you create. I am hoping we are able to show many sides of who we are as artists while keeping the integrity of our vibe and mission.

Zach: With Ev on this one. As a writer, I am fairly disrespectful of any kind of genre restrictions. Of course things need to sound cohesive, and we definitely have an aesthetic as RB&C but, rules are made to be broken. And music in this era we are in is so fluid. Which mirrors what we are seeing movement wise as a culture. With structure comes freedom. No fear to explore.

Laura: Zach, it’s awesome how varied your creative outlets have been, did anyone every try to dissuade you from being so expansive in your artistic endeavors or outlets? Zach did you always know you wanted to make music?

Zach: Yes. Pretty much a LOT of people tried to dissuade me. They all had the best intentions, thinking that they were doing me a favor in their advice to streamline my energies… that I would be more focused on one thing, give move to just acting or dancing etc, and clear the field and my calendar. Unfortunately, that often backfires in modern society, and gone are the days of the Greeks, Romans, and MGM Pictures when we encouraged artists (and people) to be well-rounded ; confident that the X-training in experience would yield more interesting and varied results. So, in short I told those individuals thanks but no thanks. I wouldn’t be the musician I am today without the extensive background I have in dance, acting etc. They all feed one another.

Laura: How do you form your fashion sensibilities? They seem very playful.

Zach: I like clothes that elevate an aesthetic. That allows me to feel like I can transcend the norm and connect to something ethereal. Like lights and glitter. Evan?

Evan: I always view my alter ego ‘Basket case’ as just a heightened version of myself. Like when you go to burning man and you are allowed to create whatever character you want that would normally raise a few eyebrows on the streets. Thats why music and rock n roll have always been so alluring to me, it represented full expression and freedom. We also want it to reflect our message which is ‘be loud and proud and who you are and have fun doing it!

Laura: What are your tour plans? Your music has a cinematic edge to it, would you be interested in  creating soundtracks for films together?

Zach: We are playing regionally as much as possible and focusing on our unicorns on the West Coast. We are playing a Pride fest in Chicago and Oslo in June. Soundtracks for films? Absolutely….. lock me in a room with synth pads and a picture with lots of coffee any day.

Evan: I am actually directing my first film this spring so you might hear a couple of new tunes from R&BC in there.

Laura: Evan, when I became a parent, a fierce new kind of advocacy blossomed in me – I needed to protect and advocate for this child, and I would do what ever that required. With the art I created right after my son was born, I felt a not-dissimilar form of advocacy that was new in me. Not just for my art, but the idea of this child going through any of what I had experienced — sexual and physical abuse — chilled me to my core. I knew I could not shield him from suffering, but I felt that, by giving a voice to what had happened, by telling and raising awareness, I could perhaps make the world safer for him.  Did you experience anything like that?

Evan: Absolutely. I feel like it is my duty as a person and as a mother to be honest about my journey to help people on theirs. I hope I can set a good example for my son in that way. There is no shame.

Laura: Film acting reminds me of writing, in that there is no direct contact with the audience at the moment of creation. What I loved about making music was feeling locked in with an outside energy and not being alone, feeling that there could be a transmigration of spirit. When you sing, there is a sense that you are going to the depth of your being to bring connected emotion into being. Do you feel that music allows for more of felt or immediate shared sense of experience than your acting does?

Evan: Yes, it’s like doing theatre you get an immediate response from the audience. No matter how many times you rehearse, the second you are confronted by your audience everything changes, you feed off of their energy and go to another place. You lift each other up and the connection is palpable and immediate. Seeing people dance and sing to something that came from your soul which in many ways is your soul, there are no words to describe it. Feeling like you are raising people’s spirits and turning something painful into something joyous is why I do it.

Laura: From your tweets to your interviews, it seems you are inviting others to move out of where they might be stuck, to come alive in their compassion, to move past an illusion of isolation of self. Do you think of directing and writing as other tools for you to take problems of our soul and spirit and transform them into issues of craft, so that others might care about what they did not care about before?

Evan: All the art I make is to release my feelings and express myself in ways I can’t otherwise. It’s why I call myself an artist because it’s just something I have to do in some way or another to survive. It’s like air to me. I don’t know what I would without it. If by doing that and being honest wakes people up and makes them view themselves and the world in a way they hadn’t before, if breaks down walls and opens up doors then I have done my job well.

[geneticandunattainable]

These are another group of stunning songs, representing multiple genres, countries, and success.  Keep in mind there will be a playlist at the end of all of this, but you’re more than welcome to look up songs on your own if you’d like.

30. Amos Lee – “Vaporize”

One of my all-time favorite singer/songwriters was back in 2016 with a new album, his first since 2013. An early highlight for me was “Vaporize,” which intertwines marijuana and emotional insecurity in a way I haven’t really seen before.  Lee – born Ryan Massaro – is clearly nodding to smoking weed in the chorus, but there’s a metaphor on display here that’s new to me.  He wants to vaporize his own doubt and shortcomings as much as he wants to take his next hit out of a vaporizer.  In typical Lee fashion, though, the drums and bass come through well in the arrangement, with live strings and a strong rhythm section completing the sound.  It’s one of his best songs in years, which is saying a lot from this consistently solid artist. 

29. The 1975 – “Somebody Else”

Chillwave continues to grow and push boundaries as a genre, with this track from The 1975 blurring lines with electro-pop.  This English rock band out of Manchester has been together since 2002 when they attended high school together.  The sound here relies heavily on the synth-pop of the 80s but with a tone that’s entirely fresh.  Combining the themes of love, angst, and youth with an almost industrial production, lead singer Matt Healy’s vocals are heavily processed, making him sound even more emotionally distant.  One of the best parts of the track, however, is how it evolves throughout the nearly six minute running time.  The band’s lyrics highlight a bitterness and longing that we’ve all likely shared at one point, making the song a universal experience to most any listener.  

28. Michael Kiwanuka – “Black Man in a White World”

British soul singer Michael Kiwanuka has had success with past work, opening for Adele and winning the BBC’s Sound of 2012 poll; additionally, one of his songs made an appearance in season one of Atlanta this past fall.  His newest album, however, was met with universal acclaim from critics, with Ryan B. Patrick praising his “"introspective study of himself and his standing in a post-millennial world.”  That being said, “Black Man in a White World” stands out as a timeless anthem that is just as poignant now as it would have been in 1976.  Chosen for the trailer of the James Baldwin doc I Am Not Your Negro, the lyrics are a punch to the gut: "I'm in love/But I'm still sad/I've found peace/But I'm not glad."  This London-born son of Ugandan immigrants fleeing the Amin regime articulates the anguish of marginalization with an “uptempo hymn set to handclaps, featuring funky guitar licks and a Motown string section.”  The result is pure genius.

27. Laura Gibson – “The Cause”

Portland’s Laura Gibson moved to NYC in 2014 to study creative writing, and named her latest album Empire Builder after the train she took from Portland to Chicago on the first leg of her journey. Unfortunately, she lost all her belongings – including her musical instruments and all the lyrics or musings she’d written for years – in a gas explosion that killed two people and burned her apartment building to the ground.  She eventually rebuilt her life, and pulled together some outstanding musicians to back her on her latest album, which starts with “The Cause.”  A steady drum beat leads the song, dominating the mix in a way that plays with the acoustic vibe of the track.  Gibson’s world-weary vocals have a rougher quality that reads as vulnerably endearing rather than unpolished.  The lyrics toy with the idea of a break up resulting in embracing someone into a political movement.  Regardless of her intention, though, this is a song that will stay with you.

26. Ledinsky – “DonaldTrumpMakesMeWannaSmokeCrack”

Born and raised in Stockholm, Sweden, singer/songwriter Ledinsky has been living in the U.S. for a decade and calls the nation his “adoptive parent.”  Recorded in the spring of 2016, he hadn’t originally planned on releasing this protest song officially until urged on by his friend and mentor Nadya from Pussy Riot.  I have to admit I’ve had it on repeat since last summer, before the upset election that forever changed history.  Ledinsky’s song is shockingly chipper as he name checks Betty Friedan and Gore Vidal, employing an almost summery, reggae tone to deliver lyrics like “Middle fingers in the air if you’re feeling like I do.”  Even if the tone of his song seems mocking, the artist himself is legitimately concerned that history is repeating itself with the rise of right-wing populism throughout Europe and, now, the U.S.  Seems like we’ll need to blast this as we continue to show the anger and unrest on display throughout the country the past two weeks. 

25. Gregory Alan Isakov – “Big Black Car”

I’ve loved the music put out by this Colorado musician for years…it’s contemplative and philosophical in a way that most song aren’t these days.   He has an astounding ability to ground you in a moment, to make you see the world differently.  I was overjoyed to find out he was releasing an album with the Colorado Symphony that rearranged some of his songs with orchestral backings, and this track stood out quickly.  The album itself is brilliant but this song specifically speaks to the way we all age in life, but have to process the experience on our own.  As Paste Magazine put it, it deals with “thinking about how we're all sliding downhill and there's not a thing that we can do about it.”  It’s gorgeous and haunting and stays with you for days after your first listen, building on the original song in so many ways.  I feel like a better man for listening to it.

24. Lucy Dacus – “I Don’t Wanna Be Funny Anymore”

The guitar in this song is next level.  It reminds me of Joey Ramone and jumps into your soul in an aggressive and familiar way that immediately ingratiates you to Lucy.  Hailing from Richmond originally, Dacus is a wunderkind of music, charming you with her vocals and her undeniable talent. The way she casually discusses social roles is fascinating, and the observational focus on display here is usually only seen in biting, caustic stand up specials.  In a year that openly discussed feminism and showed how much America still hates a strong woman, I found this song to be an anthem of sorts. I first heard this track last spring and rushed home as quickly as possible to download the entire album.  I only hope we’ll have more brilliance from her in the years to come.

23. Gallant – “Weight in Gold”

Gallant released an album last year that was easily one of the most underrated, flying under the radar of most publications, even though his gorgeous alternative R&B songs highlighted a vocal that’s better than lesser humans like Sam Smith.  The beat on this song is downright lethargic, but his vocals are sumptuous, intimate, and outstanding.  His breathy falsettos are accentuated by a sparse and exceptional arrangement, which coalesce into a striking cry for help, as he croons “I’m pulling my weight in gold…but I can’t lift this on my own.” This is R&B at its most introspective, pulling the audience into his own ennui, forcing you to identify with his struggles. By the second chorus, you’ll be singing along and bemoaning an unfeeling world.  Gallant is an undiscovered treasure, waiting to be found.

22. Margaret Glaspy – “You and I”

If you enjoy your singers with an aggressive snarl, then Margaret Glaspy is your girl.  Based in New York, Glaspy is your classic reality TV villain; she’s not here to make friends. All of us can identify with the concept of not wishing t enter a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship, and Glaspy has penned our kiss-off theme.  This is the opposite of a Determine the Relationship talk, as she matter-of-factly shuts down any hope for a future.  To be honest, it’s refreshing to see someone say so plainly that they just don’t give a fuck, with lyrics like “I don’t want to see you cry, but it feels like a matter of time.”  The guitar and arrangement are simple but cutting, and the audience hones in on her message, as she lays out her issues with any impending relationship.  This song is sharp, short, and bracing.

21. Nicholas Britell – “The Middle of the World”

It’s a legitimate shame that a film as pedestrian as La La Land has sucked all the oxygen from the room in the long slog leading up to the Academy Awards.  There are infinitely more intense, more dazzling, more vivid films out there, whether they are Arrival, 20th Century Women, Manchester By the Sea, Certain Women, Elle, The Handmaiden, American Honey, or the stunning achievement that is Moonlight.  Nicholas Britell’s approach to the score was to draw inspiration from hip hop and his own classical music background.  Some of that can be heard in the luxurious and striking track that plays during Chiron’s scene at the beach with Mahershala Ali’s character Juan. The song combines tenderness, intensity, and sensitivity in a way that is overtly compelling, undulating with an aching sadness and excitement that is entirely appropriate for the film.  It is, in a word, breathtaking.

[deanessner]

I Can't Give Everything Away

I have a cycle. When I’m bored or lonely, I break up my un-momentum with a little dance: checking my Facebook, then my email, then my Facebook again (keeping this tab open for easy access in case someone wants to contact me), then my Twitter, then my email again, then my Twitter again, and so on. Maybe I’ll disrupt the routine by wandering onto a New York Times article I discovered in my Twitter feed for a few minutes, but it’s only a brief footnote.

I read somewhere in some article — probably in one of those aforementioned “footnote” sequences — we approach this cycle the same way a lab rat presses a lever over and over again hoping for a food pellet. For us, those pellets probably seem to vary. Nourishment can come in the form of being up-to-date on the news or being in on a funny joke or knowing that an old friend received your birthday message.

But I think there’s a darker, duller edge to that gratification. I may check my Twitter in the focused spirit of seeing what inflammatory stuff Trump said today. I may check my email to see if an editor got back to me about a pitch. I may check Facebook to see if someone liked a song I shared. But, I also check for the sake of, well, preventing the pain of not checking. I’m not even referencing a fear of missing a crucial, time-sensitive thing; I’m talking about the deep, guttural, language-and-logic-defying need to check just to check. Even after pulling on the lever a few times and it yielding no pellet, a rat is bound to just keep pulling, right? (Sorry for the annoying Thomas Friedman-esque metaphor here — it just seemed appropriate.)

Why am I like this?

I used to think the main purpose for making and consuming art was to share  and experience it with others. You didn’t just have an opinion, you formed it, sculpted it. You thought about the right words and vocal cadence to describe something. You considered your audience. You ranked things, not for your own compartmentalization but so others could see the breadth of what you’ve seen. Art was something to advance your ideology and self-worth in the eyes of others. Art absorption was a proxy for power-grabbing and knowledge-accruing. What a piece or work actual meant to you was important, but, then again, that “meaning” was probably also informed by a restless fear, and also an excitement, about how others may see you. If a tree falls in the blah blah blah...... well, you get it. 

Peppered in with that perspective was a thirst for originality. I remember feeling a wash of sadness and futility after a college lit class I was taking studied the Roland Barthes’ essay “The Death of the Author” — which suggests that writing is inherently unoriginal because words are finite and each reader attaches his or her own meaning to sentences and paragraphs and stories anyway. If I couldn’t be new, then why should I bother to try and do anything?

Then, the need to try regardless of any audience came to me. In the summer of 2013, my previously bulky and broad-shouldered grandfather developed cancer and started losing weight at a rapid clip (he passed away in February of the following year). One afternoon, while I was alone with him, I suffered an intense panic attack. Then I suffered another one that night. It would keep happening. It was a bad few months for my mental health, but it taught me a valuable lesson: people make art to survive. 

I could barely play guitar (or any other instruments for that matter), but I started making music. I wrote and recorded a full 9-song album and 5-song EP over the course of three months. I now consider myself an accomplished songwriter, but not a musician, because I haven't really taken the time to learn music theory or chord patterns. I just know the way I feel when I press my fingers on certain keys or strings. Maybe I did this to run from and resist Barthes’ thesis, but, regardless, I knew I had a lot of emotions to purge that summer. I knew I needed some way of articulating and understanding what I was going through. I needed a way to feel more alive.

Since that summer, though, I’ve fallen back on old habits. I created and religiously monitored a Last.fm account: a social media platform for music lovers that let’s you see what you and your friends are listening to. I grew obsessed with the idea of others looking at what I was listening to. What did they think of me? Every time I’d listen to an album, I’d check to make sure it was also “scrobbling” (aka recording) to my profile. I recall a conversation with a friend where he remarked that my Last.fm account showed I didn’t listen to music all that much. I was devastated. In my quest to scrobble obscure artists as a way of displaying a depth of taste, I fell in love with some of my favorites bands: Stereolab, Can, The Dismemberment Plan, Shabazz Palaces. But still, was any of this authentic?

This obsession with exaggerating the extraverted parts of myself makes me think of the recent Jim Jarmusch film “Paterson,” which is about a bus driver (played by Adam Driver, ha ha) named Paterson who lives in Paterson, New Jersey and writes poetry (his favorite poet is William Carlos Williams, who has a book of poems titled “Paterson”) in between shifts. The audience’s intimate connection with Paterson comes in the form of these poems — he doesn’t share them with anyone, not even his loving wife Laura, except us. He stores them in a secret notebook. 

Paterson has the same routine every day. He eats his lunch by the same waterfall and walks home through the same industrial complex. Coupled with the fact that he doesn’t own a smart phone (by choice), Paterson lives an extremely boxed-in life. He writes poems, a form of escape and expression for sure, but for the most part, Paterson just listens. He listens to Laura discuss her dreams of becoming a country music star. He listens to a heartbroken man named Everett talk about losing his lover. He listens to Doc, the owner of the dive bar he frequents, tell stories of Paterson folklore. He listens to the chitchatting of his bus riders. 

Jarmusch doesn’t paint Paterson as a hero or a gifted genius as much as he does an observant vessel to frame the movie around, however I saw his character in a different light. For Paterson, poetry wasn’t a means to any end. He seemed to have no ambitions of getting published or sharing his work with the world. Rather, he wrote to survive. He wrote to make sense of everyday life. It’s easy to see Paterson as docile and powerless, but in reality, he was fully in control of himself. He didn’t need to open his mouth or share his art for it to mean anything. It existed for him.

As I consider my social media tendency with that “language-and-logic-defying need to check just to check” in mind, I’m reminded of David Bowie’s last song “I Can’t Give Everything Away” from the album “Blackstar.” The song concerns itself with two topics that mean a lot to me: how difficult it is to control the way people think of you (and in the late Bowie’s case, remember you) and whether it’s possible to keep anything to yourself. 

In reference to the latter, Bowie’s speaking about the pressures of celebrity. But, for me and my life, I view this theme through the lens of temptation and pressure. “Seeing more and feeling less/ Saying no but meaning yes/ This is all I ever meant/ That's the message that I sent/ I can't give everything away,” he sings. Translation: Let me die with some secrets. 

I also see this lyric, though, as a warning: Words are malleable. Ideas are interpretable. Nothing is fixed. But you know what isn’t subject to the whim of others? Your feelings. Your thoughts. Your secret notebook. Don’t give it all away if you don’t want to be hurt, he seems to say.

And maybe that’s the key to freeing myself from the cycle of checking Facebook and then Twitter and then email, and then doing it all again: Keeping some things to myself. 

Maybe the sooner I learn that only I matter in the network of me, the sooner I can learn to just exist in the poetry of everyday life.

[blkwidowsweb]

Chosen Few Spotlight: Lady Alma

Legendary DJ/Producer DJ Jazzy Jeff once said, “Oh my God...if you’re looking for some true soulful emotion, movin’ vocals...here you go...she makes me wanna throw my hands in the air & party the nite away..."

International singer and songwriter, LADY ALMA, is bringing her soaring, searing vocals back to eager audiences who desire her incomparable funk-house-soul stylings. Born in San Diego, and, raised in Philadelphia since age three, LADY ALMA began her entry into the house music scene recording club anthems helmed by the likes of super-producers Yukihiro Fukutomi, Masters at Work, Fanatix, 4Hero, and fellow Philly mainstay King Britt, where she was featured on his legendary album When the Funk Hits the Fan. She has worked with Mark de Clive-Lowe – fan favorite songs include “Keep It Movin’”, “Believe”, “Hold Your Head Up” and their infectious 2010 cover of Michael Jackson’s “I Can’t Help It”. In 2014, she released her single “It’s House Music”, produced by Osunlade, on Yoruba Records, which is still considered a fan-favorite world-wide. In 2017, her single “Peace You’ll Find” was released on Reelsoul Musik, produced by Will “Reelsoul” Rodriguez.

With the resurgence of “Let It Fall”, which went viral via Facebook with over 11 million views (video of a fan seen dancing and lip-syncing to the song in Johannesburg, Gauteng South Africa), and thanks to another video of legendary choreographer Toni Basil, dancing to “It’s House Music”, that went viral with over 5 million views on Twitter and was also seen on Inside Edition; it is clear - LADY ALMA is in-demand! Her single “Glory & Honor” (produced by Darryl James) was released in March 2018 and quickly followed by “A Time and A Place” with producer/DJ Ralf GUM, which was released in June 2018 on GOGO Music. Also in 2018, LADY ALMA was recognized by Traxsource as “Best of 2018” including: “2 Top 10s”, “16 Top 100 spins” and “60 features in DJ Top 10 Charts” to name a few.

I had a chance to speak with Lady Alma about her musical journey and her 1st appearance at this year’s Chosen Few Festival and Picnic.

Black Widow:   When did you know that singing was something you wanted to do?

Lady Alma:  Early on as a child. I was about 3 years old when I knew I had that love of music.

Black Widow:  Are you classically trained?

Lady Alma:   God definitely blessed me with the talent but my mom had me in music school with academics during the day and after school I attended the Music Conservatory called Settlement Music School.

Black Widow: What was your introduction to house music?

Lady Alma:  Initially it was just me hanging out with friends in college. Everyone I hung around with listened to this music. I remember going to NY when the Garage was open and from there I knew I loved the music. I didn’t start singing it until later on but it always felt good to me. It reminded me a lot of gospel music. I think that’s what drew me in. 

Black Widow:  We always say House music is a spiritual experience because you feel this music intensely and I always loved how this music made me feel… 

Lady Alma:  Me too!

Black Widow:  Do you have a creative process? How do you write songs?

Lady Alma:  It varies. It depends on how I feel and what’s going on in my life. If I feel the music, I’m inspired to write.  If I’m not inspired by the music, it’s hard for me to write. I can’t write to just anything. I’m very selective when it comes to the music I choose to write to.

Black Widow: So the music inspires the lyrics?

Lady Alma: Yes, it’s absolutely the music and the connection I personally have with the person who is creating the music. 

Black Widow:  You left the scene for about 10 years, what did it feel like to have a song you did years ago go viral and expose you to an entirely new audience?

Lady Alma:  The first word that comes to mind is gratefulness.  I was told years ago that I didn’t write hit songs.  I never desired to write hit songs, I wanted to write songs that would be classics. I wanted to write songs that people would listen to 10, 15, 20 years from now.  For a song I wrote 10 years ago to become a staple in the music community, I am just grateful. It confirmed that I was on the right track as a writer. It confirmed to me that I don’t have to write hits to be respected and because so many ages have accepted this song, it gave me confidence to know that I’m definitely a songwriter.

Black Widow: This particular song came around at the right time, when people want to feel lifted, encouraged and inspired.  I’ve watched people when your song comes on and their reaction is so visible. Their eyes are closed; hands are in the air…they are having these personal moments in public spaces.  I think as an artist, that’s such a gift to be able to give people.

Lady Alma:  Yes! I definitely feel and believe that. When I wrote the song, I was in a crossroads in my own life. I had to make a decision to either stay with my career or to take care of my mom. Of course, I chose to take care of my mom. I wrote that song to heal myself. Little did I know years later, it would heal and help other people. I’m just grateful.

Black Widow:  You are releasing a new project this month. Can you tell me more about, “Twilight”?

Lady Alma:  it’s an anthology project that has 9 songs that were recorded over the past 15 years. Some of the stuff was out but the masses didn’t get a chance to hear it. All 9 songs were done by one producer.  We wanted to present it as my anthology. 

Black Widow:  What does it mean to perform at this year’s Chosen Few Picnic?

Lady Alma:  It’s a great honor to be doing it. So many have graced that stage and for me to be on that stage is just a great honor. I can’t believe it, I keep seeing how large the crowds are and I get a little nervous but I’m also excited and ready to “Lady Alma-Tize” Chicago the only way I know how!

Black Widow:  It’s such a great event and the energy is incredible. Take it all in; you are going to truly enjoy yourself!

Lady Alma:  I can’t wait! I can’t wait to give my love to Chicago and receive the love Chicago has for me.

Black Widow:  Thank you so much for speaking with me today, I look forward to seeing you at the Chosen Few Picnic!

Lady Alma: It was my pleasure!

I hope you enjoyed the first installment of the Chicago Spotlight "Chosen Few Edition"!   Look forward to interviews with Chosen Few guest Performers all month long!

Until next time,

See you on a dance floor!

Black Widow

  Lady Alma’s anthology album, Twilight will be released on June 28, 2019 but is available now for pre-order. Check out Lady Alma’s catalog today!