#and just let myself be curious instead of ashamed

[findingnemosworld]

𝐲𝐨𝐮'𝐫𝐞 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐭𝐨𝐨 𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐝 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐢𝐬𝐭 - 𝐫𝐮́𝐛𝐞𝐧 𝐝𝐢𝐚𝐬

• 𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐛𝐲: 𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐲𝐦𝐨𝐮𝐬

( 𝐬𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐥 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐝𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐲 𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐥𝐞 𝐬𝐞𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐭 )

𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐠𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠: 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐭.

A year had passed since the last they saw one another.

She had moved out of Manchester, asked for a transfer and found herself working in London's Chelsea Football Club, the staff, the players and everyone working there had been nothing short of kind, one in particular had become her closest friend - Benjamin Chilwell, the Englishman was the first person she had met, as well as the one to help her settle in London, the pair had built a well rounded friendship which stood the test of time when Ben tried his luck in courting her only for her to gently put him down, citing personal reasons for her desire to be involved with anyone romantically.

Ben understood her reasoning and the pair instead strengthened their friendship, albeit he was curious to know as to why she refused his advances.

She was young, only a year younger than him, a kind, gentle soul that had always been helpful both in and out her job, yet when it came to romance, it seemed as if there was an unspoken ache in her eyes. It wasn't until the Manchester City vs Chelsea bout for the Carabao cup that he finally understood why she was in ache for the past year and a half.

He'd noticed how a certain Portuguese defender from the other side had not so subtly been staring at her for far too long, so much so that he also noticed she was attempting her best not to approach the other side, even to greet the players she had worked with for the past three years, once the warm ups were concluded, both teams were lead in to prepare for the match, Ben had approached her. " Hey love, you got a minute? "

She looks at him, then nods leisurely - he leads her to a secluded corner, " Is everything ok? " she asks, concern lacing her voice.

" Yeah, I'm fine but are you ok? " He asks, his eyes revealing that he had understood her reservations.

She tried to brush his concern away by forcing a smile, " I'm fine Chilly, what do you mean? "

" Love " He interjects with a soft tone, " Be honest, did Dias play a part in your departure? "

Her body stiffens, horrid and haunting memories plague her mind - her chest tightens as she looks away to collect her composure before she nodded leisurely, without any word uttered.

Ben's jaw tightens, he wasn't a stranger to the Portuguese's antics seeing as the media loved to report on him any chance they can get, much like his fellow national teammate, Jack Grealish. He clenches then unclenches his first, " What happened? "

She recounts everything, with a ponderous heart and glossy eyes, " I loved him Chilly, so much, yet each time we were with our mutual friends, I wasn't his girlfriend, he didn't even want to admit it, I was just the girl he spent time with, it didn't make it easier that he flirted with women in front of me, but I loved him so much that I was willing to look past it "

" That piece of ... " He stops himself, inhaling then exhaling to calm himself, he breathes out a soft breath. " Love, why didn't you say any thing? "

" I was ashamed, and to be honest I had grown tired of the back and forth, so I kicked him out and never saw him again " She murmurs.

" Did he try to contact you? " He wonders.

She nods once again, " He tried, I rejected all of his calls and he even had John call me, but I made sure that he understood my message, I don't want to see him again "

He nods in understanding, " Will you be ok out here? "

" Yeah " She states with a soft tone, " I'm a big girl Chilly, I can handle myself "

Ben couldn't help but say, " But I will be concerned, especially since that bonehead wasn't hiding it that he was staring " he rolls his eyes then shakes his head, " I'm going to kill him if he so much as tries to do anything "

" Chilly, let it go please! " She pleads, grabbing his hand. " I'm not going to let him affect my mood, much less risk the chance of you guys riding up the table, so don't let it get to you "

Ben nods, " I'll try, just be careful ok "

She smiles then wraps her arms around his shoulder, " I love you Chilly, I appreciate your friendship "

" I love you too, you'll always have me by your side " He murmurs.

Their embrace along with their interaction was witnessed by quite an enraged Rúben who was burning with covetousness, and was now very determined to win her back, even if she was still against it.

Soon afterwards, the match begins - she was seated with the medical team on standby, despite attempting her best, her eyes would often trail to Rúben who seemed to work on a different engine, an engine of rage which unfortunately backfired as on the 10th minute, Mudryk had managed to give Chelsea the early goal thanks to a slip up by Rúben who despite being consoled by John, seemed hellbent on ensuring that he will get his payback.

And on the 22nd minute, he had assisted Haaland in scoring the equalizer which sent the Chelsea fans in a frenzy, cheering on the players to bring the lead back to them, the first half had been remained balanced until the very last minutes where a scuffle ensured between both Ben and Rúben after the latter had tackled the Englishman quite violently causing the pair to square up against one another.

Her eyes widened in horror, however relief washed over her body when teammates on both ends helped ensure that scuffle is put out but not before both players were shown a yellow card, thus ending the first half on a 1-1 draw.

Just as she walked in to retrieve something from her bag, she was tugged in a secluded corner causing her to yelp in pain, " What the fuck? " she said before her eyes hardened at the realization of who it was. " You!!! "

" Meu amor, hear me out " He tries with a gentle tone before a sharp sting was felt across his cheek.

" I don't want to hear anything from you " She states with a sharp tone before she spat out, " Go fuck yourself "

He looks down, inhaling then exhaling a deep breath, he looks back up to her and says. " I love you "

She laughs dryly, " Ah, of course, after fucking everything that has a pulse, you're suddenly regretful for the way we ended " she shakes her head, " No, I'm not falling for this shit, so go back to your team "

Afterwards, the second half begins and around halfway through in the 60th minute, Haaland scored his second goal much to the dismay of the Chelsea fans, even more so when Rúben celebrated with Haaland, as the second half was coming to an end in the extra time, Ben was able to equalize the match ending it on a 2-2 draw.

______________________________________________________________

She returns home later on, had a quiet dinner meal, opting to lay on her couch watching a rerun of Friends when the doorbell rings inciting confusion in her, she'd spoken to Ben who claimed that he was ok, yet she could see that he was frustrated with the draw, she pushed the blanket away, stood up then walked towards the front door, she looks through the peephole and in that minute rage fills her body all over, and she flings the door open, " What do you want? "

" Can we talk? " He pleads with a soft tone, " Please "

" We don't have anything to talk about " She retorts, " You screwed me over Rúben, I was just a toy to you "

" And I regret it " He said, " Just ... please, please let me in "

She gnaws on her bottom lip, " You have twenty minutes " she said then stepped to the side to let him in.

Rúben walked into her flat, as she closed the door - she lead him to the living room, " Sit " she said with a curt tone, before going to the kitchen, she pours two glasses of water, she grabs them then retreats back to the living room, she walks up to him and hands him the glass. " Here "

" Thank you " He murmurs.

They spent about four minutes in silence before she said, " So? " she asks.

" I'm sorry " He begins with a ponderous sigh, " I really am sorry meu amor, I'm an idiot, the biggest idiot there is, I had you in my arms and I did not appreciate you "

" You didn't " She chuckles dryly.

" I thought it was the right decision, to hide it because, I thought that it was for the best, I thought I was protecting you when I ended up hurting you " He states, with a regretful tone. " The truth is, I loved you then and I still love you now, I don't think I can live without you "

She meets his gaze which held regret, authenticity and love. " You hurt me Rúben! " she exclaimed.

" I know I have, and if you let me, I promise I will try my best to ensure you that I'm here, I'm here for you, and I will always be here for you " He said.

She grows silent, downing the rest of her glass before she stood up then walked over to where he was seated, he cranes his head up the minute he felt her hand over his cheek. " Do you regret it? "

He nods leisurely, then rests his forehead over her abdomen, " More than anything "

" Prove it " She said with a soft yet authoritative tone, " I'm going to fuck you the way I see fit "

He freezes, once again craning his head to look up at her. " Huh? "

" You heard me " She said, hooking her finger under his chin to get him to look at her. " You love me, prove it "

He stands up just as she leads him to her bedroom, they walk in and she says, " Sit at the edge of the bed "

He complies, his eyes never leaving hers as she undressed herself entirely before undressing him - she pushes him onto the bed, his back hits the mattress as she sat on top of his lap, he reaches over and tries to grip her waist but she swats his hands away, " I'm in charge " she wraps her hand around his cock, a spec of precum leaks through the slit, she presses her thumb over it then gently pumps his hardened cock inciting a strangled moan from him. " You've had your chance, now I have mine "

He relented, allowing her to take the reigns, she'd always been the only one to know exactly how and when to hit him, his lips were parted, releasing soft moans, grunts and sighs which only grew deeper the moment he felt his cock being enveloped entirely by her slick walls, " Oh Fuck! " he sighs.

" You broke my heart Rúben " She whimpered, " Yet not a single man in the world, knows me the way you do "

" I promise you " He groans, " I promise I won't hurt you again, I'm going to scream my love for you to the whole world "

She sets a moderate pace, moving up and down, throwing her head back. " Fuck, Fuck ... just like that " she takes one of his hand placing it over her waist while the other landed over her clit, " Rúben " she moans.

" Oh meu amor, you feel so good wrapped around my cock, I'm going to cum " He grunts.

" Cum inside of me " She whimpers.

" Meu amor " He retorts in concern.

" I'm on the pill, it's ok " She assures him, whining as he rubbed her clit at a rapid pace. " Fuck, fuck ... just like that, don't stop "

The pair chase their high together before Rúben tugged her in his arms, " I'm never letting you go " he murmurs, pressing soft kisses on top of her head.

" You better not to " She whispers.

[ladyniniane]

Happy birthday to me!

I'm turning 28 today🍁🎉🎂! It's time to celebrate what I have accomplished so far.

Last year, I was in an uncertain situation because I had just decided to leave my job. For those who don't know, the whole ambiance had become pretty toxic (especially with my manager), the organization was a mess and there was no hope of getting a raise after three years there. It was taking a real toll on my well-being.

In retrospect, I'm glad I did it because I chose the best for myself. I saw that I deserved better.

Many things happened this year, some good, some bad, some chaotic. But I've accomplished quite a lot! I've decided to go freelance instead of waiting for someone to hire me. I want to decide how I work, with who and especially where (I'm thinking about living in Corsica in the future).

For that, I completed a whole training course and did things I have never done before...It made me confident in my abilities. I'm going to be completely honest: launching my own business is a little scary, especially as the D day comes closer and my anxiety is like "but what if? What if? What iiiiif?", but working on my project was nonetheless pretty satisfying.

I'm not worried about getting closer to 30. I'm still feeling pretty young (and I mean, I am). And I think like I'm finally figuring things out (because yeah, you generally don't have your life in order by 25). I wouldn't trade the life experience and the lessons I've learned for nothing else in the world. In fact, I'm quite curious about the person I will be when I will turn 30. I know social pressure is real for some people, but the sooner you get rid of those standards, the happier you will be.

Things I've learned this year:

-Enjoy the little nothings and find beauty in the mundane. This will make your life more magical.

-Try new things even if afraid. Time will pass anyway.

-It's okay to quit! In fact, it's even better with toxic situations. Distancing yourself from something that harms you is good actually.

-It's important to focus on your emotions. Bad emotions are here for a reason. Focus on what they tell you and don't let anyone gaslight you into thinking you're the problem.

-You are enough. You don't have to feel ashamed of everything. You aren't too much, you aren't embarrassing.

-Touch grass as much as possible.

My cat turned 10 (she has seen so many important steps of my life) last month and she's happy and healthy.

Writing-wise, things are going fine. I finished my big fanfic and I've started a novel! And I now need the escapism it provides more than ever.

A big thank you to all of you, people of Tumblr! I'm glad I met you and you make things better☀️!

So, 28, let's see what you have in store for me !

[yelenasdiary]

Read this or don't, that's completely fine. I was going to explain everything in a reply to an ask that I was sent but an anon that has nothing to do with this, they are lovely! I just think a post on its own is more appropriate.

Below the cut I warn you that topics like, Sexual Assault, Physical & Mental abuse are spoken about. Please do not bother to read this if you're not comfortable. I literally do not expect anybody to read this, I am simply posting this because of how I am feeling towards the asks I received before I went to bed last night.

I just want to say that I've been open about certain things in my life on here and that is simply because I want my blog to welcome everybody (within reason). I want those who unfortunately have been through similar stuff to feel seen, heard and know you are loved! I want those who feel alone to know that you're never alone, I am here for you, my blog is here for you.

This isn't the first time I have received asks about my sexual experiences. A month or two ago I received a spam of asks that I never answered because of how disturbing and outright disgusting they were. Now, after last night, I feel that I need post this. I am not asking for anything in return, I just want to make that clear. All I want is for people to understand the hurt I am currently feeling.

I've always been open on here about the fact that I am a virgin. It's nothing that I feel ashamed about, I don't think there is anything wrong with it. I know there are plenty of people like myself who are also virgins. I wish there were more people who are open about being a virgin, if people can be so open about the fact they aren't a virgin, why can't we be open about the fact we are?

So when this anon asked if I was a virgin, I was honest and said yes. My mind was already racing with "oh god, what's next?" and I was just hoping whoever they are was jus being curious. But instead, I feel like they've made me ashamed of the fact I am a virgin, 25 and write smut.

TW; SA, Physical & Mental Abuse Mentioned -

A few of you would already know that unfortunately yes, I am a victim of sexual assault. I was a child and it was something that happened daily for a couple of years. Due to this, I have trauma, PTSD, depression and anxiety. I grew up with little knowledge on the basics of sex because of how triggering it was for me. I couldn't sit in on sexual education classes, I couldn't joke around about penis's with my friends let along look at one. For so long, I genuinely believed what happened to me was normal. I was 12 when I realised it wasn't.

It took me years to even be okay with the topic of sex, to see it in movies or even think of it. My sexuality wasn't something I always questioned, I had a big crush on Bieber during my teen years and there were a few other male celebrities that I found rather attractive, it wasn't until I was 17 that I saw women in a different way and tbh, the feeling I got from thinking about myself in a relationship with a woman was a lot more comforting then it was to thinking of myself with a male.

Did my abuse make me bisexual? Maybe. I don't know. I don't really care. I like women a lot more than I like men, I feel more comfortable talking to women than I do men.

Did my abuse stop me from having 'normal' teenage experiences? Yes. I have never physically been with anybody, I have never kissed anybody nor have I ever been on a date. Is that sad? maybe to some, to me? No.

I have little to no trust in males. Given that my abuser also physically abused me for such little things and mentally, I don't know what it feels like to not have the thoughts I do about myself. This person has ruined so much of my life and has had control over what I do because of the trauma they caused me.

But all that aside for a moment, I am still a human. I am a woman who still feels things. I am learning every day of new things. I have done plenty of research for the things I felt I missed out on in school. I have a best friend who is so fucking patient and understanding with me that he will explain things to me if needed.

Writing & reading smut over the last year has been really good for me. I don't mean that in a weird way, I mean that in a way it has helped me explore things I didn't know were a thing, it has helped me grow more comfortable with sex and that sex is a normal thing. Don't worry, I know what is written in smut is purely fiction, I know what happens in porn isn't real. I am not stupid.

But I can't sit here and say that smut has been really helpful. Some of you might not understand that and that's okay. But I have come a long way with being comfortable and finally feeling like I can be open about things I enjoy.

Back to this anon.

Yes, I am 25 and never had sex. I have never voluntarily sucked a guy off. i have never voluntarily slept with a male, touched a male or seen a males body. Why any of that is important to you makes no sense to me. You have brought back things that I wish to not think about. You have made me feel triggered and as though I shouldn't be writing such topics because of my lack of experience. You had no consideration whats so ever and I believe found it rather funny.

I am feeling so many feelings and having thoughts that I wish to express but I know you'll most likely see it has a sob story and make matters worse. What I do hope though is that if you have read this that you understand that your words and actions hurt. I am not weak for telling you this, I am not weak for not having any sexual experience, I am not weak for asking you to understand that your thoughtless actions were not called for.

I do not need to have sex to know what I am doing. I do not need to have sex with a cis male to know how to write about dicks. I do not need you to make me feel ashamed of this either.

This is already such a long post and I don't even expect anybody to still be reading this but if you are, please, please remember to always be kind! spread love, support and happiness. You honest have no idea what your words and actions can do to somebody. Be aware and be considerate, you would never want your closest friends to feel that way I am currently feeling.

I am sending love to everybody, if you ever need a friend to talk too my DMS//asks are always open. I will listen and be whoever it is you need 💜

[lawofnova]

haii i hope you’re well. u’re so beautiful btw! so ive already asked other people this question but i like getting possible different views or advice. so ive have manifested many things and have almost shifted. for example, changing my eyes from brown to become more green. i remember watching a visual sub on youtube for a few days and then my father kept commenting on how my eyes were turning green. or one day years later, i made myself pretend that i thought i was the most beautiful woman, i then went to work and someone said i looked more beautiful today than usual. i felt down one day in high school and prayed to the Universe that someone would call me pretty soon, the very next day, someone called me pretty. these are just a few examples but i still question my sanity and wonder if they’re just crazy coincidences. tbh im very insecure in my spirituality bc ive been told im dumb or naive for believing in it. also: with shifting ive had seen many flashing lights, felt being touched, and heard noises i scripted to hear once i shifted. i never have these symptoms when im trying to sleep or meditate but i have heard that these symptoms have nothing to do with shifting but they help me believe. however, i think im just such a skeptical person it’s annoying and wonder if my brain made those symptoms up. i’m just scared of getting my hopes up i guess which would make me so depressed. i listen to other’s success stories but im not one that trusts others easily. any advice is appreciated 🙏🏻

Hi, thank you for your kind words. You’re a little fairy dusting me with all your love! 🧚🏻‍♀️🧚🏻‍♀️

I’m going to give you the sweetest wake-up call you could ever receive. Please don’t be mad; I’m only doing this because I care about you and have been in the same situation before.

You need to build up your confidence, love. You know—and I mean you know—that your beliefs hold importance to you. You know they mean something within your awareness and consciousness. Why are you ashamed of that? Why is that so bad? Why are you beating yourself up for it?

Shouldn’t that be enough? To be curious and want to experience something despite the beliefs of others?

I can understand why you’re struggling. Your 3D reality has caused you to feel guilt for believing in something beyond yourself—something “strange,” “abnormal,” or maybe even as radical as giving up the adult logic that helps us survive. But that’s simply the ego at work.

Let me make another point:

Have you ever believed in the Christian God, or followed any other religion before discovering shifting and the Law of Assumption? What’s so different about having faith in the unseen in this scenario? Faith is simply more accepted in the context of religion.

And it’s not that you struggle to trust others—you struggle to trust yourself.

If it feels uncomfortable to put trust in yourself instead of in the 3D or others’ expectations, tell yourself that shifting and LOA are your secret experiments. You don’t have to put all your eggs in one basket. You don’t have to commit entirely to something unless you feel comfortable doing so. Thinking of it as an experiment puts less weight on you, making you feel less “crazy.”

It’s simple science, right? You put your theory into motion and work your hardest to fulfill it through practice. But with this level of detachment, you can say, “I’m not crazy for being curious.” Because curiosity is both human and Godly.

Isn’t that beautiful, little Einstein?

Much love to you, you are always free to ask for advice in the future! 💖💝🩷💓💕

[irrevocableloves]

violent delights

twilight rewrite! edward cullen x fem!witch!reader

chapter four: regret

previous chapter ౨ৎ masterlist ౨ৎ chapter five

summary: with edward's coldness, all she thinks is why he would save her? why didn't save himself all of this regret?

warnings: angst

words: 2.2k

Diamonds. It was as if thousands of tiny diamonds illuminated my vision. The prickles of light left me blinded once I opened my eyes, but once it settled, it was almost intoxicating. The view in front of me mostly. Edward Cullen. He looked almost ashamed. As if the thousands of diamonds that scattered around his pale, porcelain skin was one to be ashamed of. I thought of it as rather beautiful.

I yearned for him. For his touch. I felt myself inching closer to him, feeling entranced by the shining crystals that embodied him. Even as I walked closer, he felt farther than ever, refusing to meet my eye-line.

"Edward." I said softly, reaching out for his hand.

His touch was no longer ice. It was cold, but it melted within your touch as if I was the fire, his fire.

Once I closed my eyes, wanting to take in the feeling of his touch, I felt rain. Trickles of it touching my skin, rather than the warm heat of rare Forks sun.

Edward was no longer in front of me. No longer a shining crystal in front of the warm sun rays. Instead, he was across from me, on the other end of the parking lot shooting burning glares towards me. I couldn't bring myself to look away. Not even when the screeching sounds of tires had rushed its way towards me, not even when I saw him rush towards me in a millisecond. My eyes never left him even when his gaze turned from harsh to soft as he pushed the van backwards, hearing the crunch of both my car and the van.

His eyes. Even in the dull light, they shined the same golden topaz.

I woke in the middle of the night longing for another gaze in his eyes.

Once I entered the school grounds, I found myself to be the center of the school's attention for the rest of that month. Tyler Crowley wouldn't leave me be, even after I insisted time and time again that not even a scratch was left behind from the accident, but he remained just a step behind you almost the entire day of school... everyday... He walked, no, followed me to classes and joined my crowded lunch table, always trying to squish himself between Angela and I before ultimately giving up and seating himself next to Mike. Mike and Eric seemed like less of a fan of Tyler than I was, making it clear in their expressions that he was unwelcomed.

I didn't bother to ask anyone about Edward's position as the hero in the accident. I didn't need him to despise me even more than he already did. No one else saw it as a miracle like I did, rather they shrugged it off, assuming Edward had been beside me the entire time. Even Tyler convinced himself that he'd seen Edward. But, I knew better than that.

I wondered to myself why no one else had seen him standing so far away, when I realized... no one else was as aware of Edward as I always was. No one else watched him the way I did. Edward was never surrounded by the crowds of curious bystanders like I was. People avoided him at all costs. Unlike me, who people saw as the prize of the school for whatever reason. It disgusted me, but I let it be. I knew from the first time I'd come back from visiting my mom in California after she moved that I was seen as 'different'. The first clue was the pale Forks residents who, for some reason, enjoyed joking about how I was the tannest of them all, comparing skin tones at any chance they could get. Once I got into high school, I noticed how the boys looked at me. I was different, but in a good way to them, like I was a shiny new toy at the beginning of each semester. I hated it. The Cullens and the Hales on the other hand, sat at the same table and kept to themselves. None of them even bothered to look towards me anymore, not even Edward, which left an unsettling twinge in my heart. I didn't know him, not really. I knew it shouldn't hurt as much as it does, rather I should be far more annoyed, but I couldn't help the pull I felt towards him...

It had been a full week since I had spoken to him. I wanted to, but I couldn't bring myself to speak to him first, not when he put a wall between us, sitting as far as he could from me in Biology. Whenever I sat, he never turned to look my way, instead he scooted himself away, leaving an uncomfortable distance between us. I couldn't help but look over at him. I watched as his golden eyes grew darker as the days passed. It was embarrassing how perceptive I was of him when I knew that he couldn't even stand being in the same vicinity as me. I was absolutely miserable and it didn't help that the dreams continued.

Mike seemed chippier as each day passed, noticing the obvious coldness between Edward and I. Everyday before class, he sat beside me, blabbing about nonsense that was too quick for me to comprehend or even bother to listen to. I felt bad for him, of course, I knew that he had a crush on me ever since I'd spoken to him for the first time in third grade when he'd just moved to Forks. I guess he took that as me confessing my 'undying love' for him.

Jessica, the one who did have some sort of looming love towards Mike, had expressed her worries of asking him to the girl's choice spring dance that was in two weeks, the first Tuesday of March.

I didn't have the heart to tell her that Mike already tried asking me, but I was too distracted with Edward and the slight smirk that appeared when he heard Mike's question. So instead I pretended to not hear him at all and each time he tried to speak with me alone I'd come up with some sort of excuse to get out of it.

"Are you sure you don't mind?" I almost gagged at Jessica's question.

"Jess. You know I don't like him, okay? He's all yours. I promise."

"Soooo, who're planning on going with?"

"Ummm Angela?" I wasn't too much of a fan of dates, not like I've actually been on one.

"Booo! No! I'm forcing Angela to ask Ben! She's been drooling over him since Middle school." Jessica was silent until she mumbled, "What about Edward?"

I froze from just the mention of his name.

"What about him?" I pretended to sound disinterested, but it was really the looming depression from just the thought of Edward Cullen.

"He's like obsessed with you, Y/N!"

"I really don't think he is..." I left it at that.

The next day, Jessica's mood had seemed to match my own. She was silent during our walks between classes, even lunch. I didn't have the heart to ask her why because I knew that if it was Mike that had turned her down, I would be the last person she would want to tell.

During lunch, I could feel the tension between Mike and Jessica as they sat as far as possible from one another at lunch. As if that wasn't enough proof, Mike had gone up to me in Biology as per usual, informing me that Jessica had asked him.

"Oh my god, Mike! That's great! You'll have so much fun with Jess!" I perked up a lot more than usual, hoping he would get the hint.

"Well, I-uh-ummm... I told her I'd think about it," he mumbled, looking down at his hands, fiddling with his fingers.

"Really, Mike? You know how much she likes you..." I didn't want to hear it from him. I was tired of him. 

"I was wondering if... well, if you might be planning to ask me." And there it was. My reaction was halted, seeing Edward tilting his head in my direction from the corner of my eye.

"Mike,” I sighed. “Tell her yes." 

"Did you already ask someone?" I couldn’t help but notice his quick glance towards Edward.

"No, but I don't think that's any of your business."

That seemed to have done the trick. He was a stuttering mess.

"Give Jess an answer, Mike. It's not fair to her."

"Yeah, you're right," he mumbled, turning away and walking back to his seat, defeated.

I wanted more than anything to be able to run out of the classroom and save myself from anymore embarrassment. I felt guilty for Mike, of course. Even after years of having to console his feelings, I couldn't help but feel like there was something wrong with me. But, I was exhausted. I didn't like him. Maybe there was something wrong with me when I'd rather yearn for a simple eye contact with someone who could hardly stand me than say yes to a boy who's sought after me for years.

That was when I felt his eyes on me. I looked back, quickly turning away. I can't give into him again, I won't.

I felt ridiculous. I couldn't believe the rush of emotions flowing through me, all because he'd looked at me. It was pathetic of me. There I was rejecting a boy who was over the moon for me and here I was shaking from meeting the eyes of Edward Cullen.

"Y/N?" He whispered. Don't give in.

Moments of silence reached the two of you. I still felt his stares, saw them in the corner of my eye.

"I'm sorry." The sincerity surprised me. I looked towards him before he continued on. "I know I've been rude... But it's for the best. It's better if we're not friends."

I didn't dare meet his eyes after what he said.

"Too bad you couldn't figure that out earlier. Would've saved you a lot of regret." I didn't know what came over me, where I'd even come up with the confidence to say any of this. But, I was angry.

"Regret?"

"You should've just let that stupid van crush me." He looked at me in disbelief, then sadness, to which turned into something else, was it anger?

"You think I regret saving your life?"

"I know you do. Why else would you act like this?" I snapped.

"Well, you don't know anything." 

This time, I was the one to leave him there with his thoughts. As soon as the bell rang, I pushed through the students, trying hard to not let any tears fall.

It was impossible to read him. Did he not regret it? Was his efforts to ignore you, but failing, giving in, did it mean something to him? Did he too have this obsession with wanting to know me? Why was it, even after the multiple affairs of his coldness towards me, I wanted to know him? No matter how much it hurt me. 

During gym, I had the ultimate pleasure of rejecting two other boys who asked me to the girls' choice dance while I panted and sweat during the mile run. After the awkward refusals, I got dressed and headed out to my car in the lot.

Once I was in, my distractions had gotten the better of me. There he was again. Edward was walking towards his silver Volvo two rows down from me. I shamelessly stared. What was meant to be a stare of annoyance, turned into one of admiration. He was effortlessly gorgeous.

Before I knew it, a line had already formed to get out of the lot, Edward’s car in line just a few feet from my own, so I slipped in just behind him.

A minute had gone by, just waiting behind him. I had the urge to honk, even hit him. But, I’d rather not cause a scene just for the hell of it. Through my annoyance and forced patience, I heard a knock on my window. On my left was Tyler Crowley.

What I expected to be another fit of apologies once I turned down the window was instead the quite opposite.

“Hey, Tyler.” I said blankly. I shoved my head out the window to see what the hold up was.

“Hey! I’m done with apologies, I swear,” he laughed. “I just wanted to ask you something while we’re trapped here.”

Oh, no.

“Will you ask me to the spring dance?” You’re kidding.

“Will I?” I scoffed.

“Well yeah! It’s girls’ choice!” He had to be joking.

“Not really my choice if you’re asking me?”

“Oh! Well uh-only if-only if you wanted to?” he stuttered.

“Sorry. No, Tyler. I’m going with friends.”

“Man, I was hoping you were just letting Mike down easy.”

“No, sorry.” 

“Well! If you change your mind? And there’s also prom?” I nodded at him in response and he finally proceeded towards his car, awfully excited after a rejection.

Finally, Edward’s family piled into his car and from his rearview mirror, Edward’s eyes were on mine. Instead of the cold look he normally shot at me, his eyes were scrunched up and his body was shaking. Was he really laughing at me? It took all the strength in my body to not slam my foot into the gas pedal and leave a dent in his car like his hand did with mine.

next chapter

a/n: this chapter is kinda boringgg but BLOOD TYPE NEXT MY FAVVVV !!!

[tainted-by-skeletons]

Reader X Sans X Grillby (Part 2)

“Well… mmn. I'm sure Sans won't mind if you stay.” Grillby said.

“Woooah. Grillby. Let's not get too crazy.”

Suddenly, I was curious about something.

“You don't want him drinking but you'll agree to be alone with Grillby drunk? Are you guys secretly fucking?” I asked.

Sans’ face went pure blue. He hid behind the table.

“I don't think we went that far. But I definitely wouldn't mind~"

“Hahaha what the hell? What happened? Is that why Sans has been weird all night?”

“My sweet boy~ Are you ashamed of me?” Grillby teased as he looked over the bar.

“Come on sweet boy.” I joked. “Answer the man.”

“Yes. I am.”

“Well we better fix that! More alcohol for everyone.” I said.

I was intending on scaring Sans off so I could have Grillby to myself. But apparently I underestimated Sans' protective nature.

“No way. Nobody is getting any more alcohol. Come on Y/N. Enough fucking around. Let's get Grillby in his house.”

“Stop talking about me like I can't hear you.” Grillby grumbled.

“I know you can hear us. I just don't care. Come on.”

Grillby looked over to me.

“Y/N. Sans is such a party killer. Right?” He said.

“Couldn't have said it better myself.”

“I know Sans. I've known him for years. He just needs a good time. Don't you think?”

“Heheheh. As long as you don't leave me out of it.”

“Oh. Yeah? Giving me a taste of my own medicine now?” Sans sneered.

“Oh~ I'd never leave a cute little boy like you out.”

“Uhhhh. Eheh. I uh. I'm not sure about calling me little boy. I'm a man you know?” I said.

“Okay! I think I've had enough. Drink yourself to death if you want to Grillby. Come on Y/N.”

“What? The hell makes you think I'm leaving? You go.”

“Not a chance.”

Sans has a serious look on his face.

He's not… jealous. Is he?

Before we realized, Grillby had snuck around the counter and grabbed me by the waist. He towered over me by at least a head and a half. 

“Uh!”

“Grillby! Fuck off!”

Now Sans seemed pissed. But by his glare I couldn't tell who he was mad at.

“You're not gonna leave me alone with this maaan~ Right Sans?”

“Hell no!”

“Ohoho?”

“Uh!” Sans had apparently spoken without realizing. His protectiveness and jealousy was now on full display. Grillby backed away from me and went up to Sans instead.

“You only have one option, Sans. Stay with us and have fun for once. I miss you. Why do you think I did so many shots while your back was turned?”

“What?! You did that just to get my attention?!”

“You won't give it to me otherwise. I like to be doted on too some days.”

“Ah! I'm not-”

“If you'd rather leave I'll let Y/N stay with me and make sure I'm safe. You'll be careful with me. Won't you Y/N?”

“No promises~”

“Rrrr. That's it. You're not holding me hostage here. I'm not gonna be tricked into doing something gross with you. Especially not both of you.”

“Jeez Sans. What a way to put a guy down.” I said.

“W-what the hell?! You'd actually do that?!”

“I was considering it. I'm a little too sober for it right now but in a few more drinks I think it'll sound like a great idea.”

It was a little cruel to say, but I was feeling very honest at that level of drunkenness.

“Fuck you.”

“That's what we're hoping for~”

I was oblivious to Sans' rage, but thankfully Grillby wasn't. I probably would have died if Grillby didn't walk in between Sans and I, kneel down and hug Sans around the chest.

“Don't be mad sweet boy. Please let me have fun. Just tonight. Please? I'm begging you.” He said in a sweet whispery voice.

“U-uuh! I-I…”

“I'm an adult Sans. I'd do it anyway if I wanted to. Don't pretend that you have to protect me.”

Sans sighed and turned his head away from Grillby.

“Fine. Just don't go too crazy if I'm gonna stay. Alright?”

“Yes!” I cheered.

“That means you too!”

“Haha alright alright. We’ll go easy on you.”

Grillby and I shared a look. A look that meant we were lying.

“I think we can start off with some special drinks. Right Grillby?” I said.

“Woah hey. I thought you said-” Sans started.

“We mean drinks that taste good. Not shots.” Grillby clarified 

“Oh okay. That sounds good actually.”

Grillby went behind the bar again and started mixing three drinks. I caught Sans nervously looking around the empty restaurant. 

“Hey. Seriously man. Why are you all uptight and nervous? Is there something going on I don't know about?” I asked.

“Uptight? Now that's just mean.”

“It's not like you to be such a wet blanket.”

“Haha. I hope not… uggggh. You really want me to tell ya?”

I smiled.

“Alright. So a couple years ago I fell asleep at the bar here and Grillby got bored and started drinking. I woke up to him… uh…”

Sans turned his face away from me. He was probably blushing.

“K-kissing my head. Heh. Uhhh so I woke up and asked him what he was doing and he started uhh ya know. Just. Acting weird.”

“Yeah? Did you guys have sex?”

“Ahhh. Not really. We got to his room but he fell asleep before I did. And ya know. I kinda have the feeling he wasn't wanting to.”

“Really? He's been really flirty. I would have thought otherwise.”

“I dunno. He's different today.”

“Why are you two talking about me like I'm not here?” Grillby interrupted.

[coffyao]

poison couldn't be anymore attractive final.

They pull out a flask from their pocket, shaking the content vigorously before opening it. They take a few sips from it then close it again.

“aren’t you cold?”

They shake their head and look out into the distance. The majority of the streets were empty, where the likelihood of serious crime increased, and the darkness would swallow rather than invite. But when he quietly observed them, they didn’t seem intimidated or intrigued about that darkness. They were indifferent to it, like they had been there many times.

“are you curious?” They say, still looking forwards.

“…huh?”

They turn towards seungbae, where their silhouette and face was shone by the pale yellow streetlight above them. Their mascara was messily smudged while their lipstick seemed to be left alone, scarlet red but worn down after the events of tonight.

“There's nothing wrong with being curious, since it leads you to discovering things about yourself.”

…is that what it is?

Seungbae remains silent, and they continue, “…but it was things that you already kind of knew, but only started coming to the surface once you stopped overthinking so much, you know?”

They turn back, and bite their lip, abashed.

“..Never mind im just rambling, I usually do it when I’m nervous…” They mutter, their voice growing quieter along with the confidence they seemed to have before.

Am I making him feel uncomfortable?

“So are you…wait actually before I ask that... what is your name? just so I know."

“seungbae.”

“...i really like your name. its nice. ”

His name was relatively common, and it didn’t really harbour any special meaning, but he appreciated the compliment.

“…I appreciate that,” he finally says.

“…I’m glad. Then…can you tell me what your curious about?”

Ah.

Seungbae knew he had to answer honestly, as beating around the bush would weaken his already shaky conviction.

He rubs his neck, “…you. I think…I’m curious about you.”

Their lips twinge in slight disappointment, “…I see,” removing a single lock from their face.

“…are you disappointed by my answer?”

 “...maybe a little. But I think I should have expected it,” then they look up at him, “It comes with the role I play on stage.”

Seungbae wasn’t the type of guy to be smooth with the people he was interested in, but to have no real answer of substance beyond ‘curiosity,’ had him feel ashamed.

However, his mind also couldn’t let go of what he saw on stage.  When he thought about last night, the flashing lights no longer deterred him, and he was instead, entranced by an unbridled man that had forced the gazes of everyone on him.  All of their eyes were on him.

“…do you enjoy the role that you play on stage?”

Their eyes widen with surprise, and then they look down at the floor as if they were thoroughly processing what was said. They eventually look up with a half-hearted smile, “… there are times that I do.  Then there are times that I don’t really know…”

“…I see.”

“However, at the times that I do, I feel really, really good about myself…”

they lean their body closer.

“…but I think that’s a little bit irrelevant. You are here precisely because you liked the role that I played, don’t you?”

Ah.

Seungbae coughs and readjusts his glasses, “Ah ha- well I…”

“…or is it maybe because you loved it?”

At this point, the breeze in the air had blown away their loosely fitting gown, revealing their shoulders and in particular, their chest. It also appeared that they didn’t come in much else. Seungbae looks away, but it seemed that they had already caught on to his bashfulness, as the distance between them suddenly closes even further and their smile becomes confident once more.

“…be here again tomorrow after midnight. I’ll prepare something just for you.”

_____

Since it was a Saturday, coming here again felt far less degrading since he could at least wear a casual combination of a t-shirt and a black pair of jeans, compared to the uniform that is attributed with pride. He felt more comfortable in his skin and knowing that he would be completely alone was the final catalyst for his decision.

He stands in the same place as he did yesterday, where the air was lukewarm and the unsettling presence that came with the darkness wasn’t so suffocating anymore.

But he was unsure whether he should knock on the door, or endure yet another minute waiting until apprehension started to set in. That was the worst part for him.

The door eventually opens, and his eyes are met with two cold hands. 

“…You can’t look just yet.”

They take their hands off and replace it with a white blindfold, tying it carefully until it makes a knot. They take his arm, leading him through the smell of citrusy fragrance and plethora of powder that annoyingly sticks onto his shoes. 

They lead him back onto the stage, where it was the stage that he saw everything happen in. but it was also the stage that he was going to be on, and it was going to be the stage won't be for the eyes of anyone else. 

Except for me.

“You can sit down now.”

He sits down, and their hands slip in between his blindfold, loosening it up until it barely hangs from the back.

“… and now you can take it off.”

Seungbae peels off the blindfold, anticipation creeping up from his throat until it comes completely off, his voice stuck as his eyes rewind over and over at the sight that he couldn't believe he saw.   their waist was wrapped with a red skirt that curled tightly around their knees and their top half was covered in a matching tube top that revealed his stomach. Then their neck was accentuated with a velvet choker tied in a ribbon and their look was finally finished with a diamond anklet and clear stilettos.

They lean forward, gradually tracing one finger along his helix.

“...I think your going to enjoy this,” they mumble before pulling back and walking towards the curtains. They turn off the lights and step towards the middle, affirming their position.

 As the music begins, they crouch down until they were on their fours, smiling as they slowly creep towards him. Reaching his legs, their dainty hands travel toward his knees before pulling them apart and sliding themselves between Seungbae's thighs, where their body was dangerously close, and the sweat behind his neck increases.

They put their legs around his waist, and hands on his cheek, appearing to gauge his reaction before leaning forward, “don’t be shy. feel free to touch me if you like.”

As they grip his shoulders, they start to move their waist around in circles, where with each motion their breathing harshens and the movement of their body gradually becomes faster while their hands gain more freedom, traveling towards his back.

Ah.

“…don’t worry, I’m giving you permission.”

Seungbae gently wraps his hands around their waist, and they start to let loose as they alternate between soft and rough grinds that make the gasps harder to escape, and the desire to do a lot more inevitable.

“… ah but the question is, are you giving me permission as well?”

Permission?

“Because,” as their hands slide down further, “consent is a two-way street,” and their lips glaze his ear, “and I really, really want to know if I have yours too...”

With their open invitation, it all became too difficult to ignore and impossible not to reciprocate back.  

I’m reaching my limit.

He lets go of their waist, and instead, carefully guides their hands until they slide underneath his shirt, his skin, hot and his breathing, feverous.

They chuckle, “…I’m sorry. Are you like this because of me?”

With each finger, they move it up and down, tracing them along the hemline of his trousers before moving them upwards again, a repetitive motion that had him needing to take drastic action.

“…I think that’s adorable,” they say, their lips and face closer than ever before, the distance too easy to dismiss and the swell that grew each time they moved.

“…so what are you waiting for?”

They hold the corner of his chin.

“You can kiss me if you want…”

Ah…

Seungbae nervously leans over, where their lips are seconds away from touching, and kissing, and biting. Yet, his inclination to doubt himself and his wants often prevented him from taking the initiative.

…And when he did take the risk, it would often lead to disastrous consequences, creating more doubt in his mind.

But he also didn’t want to let this go, because he needed to see if this was real.

If I’m real.

Seungbae kisses them, his hands tightening around their waist, and his ache for more becoming so, so prominent as their lipstick smears all over their face, the equanimous disposition that they held together so carefully before, becoming undone and revealing someone who wanted it just as much as him.

They moan into the kiss, where their fingers desperately dig into his hair, and their waist moves faster, uncaring enough to notice how their dress had already unravelled and the only thing that barely held it together was his strong hold.

Are you like this because of me as well?

Seungbae could feel the pressure build, where once dull, became painfully intense and it was only so much he could take, so much he could take before he would lose it.

They pull away from the kiss, catching their breath before leaning towards his neck, indicative that they wanted to leave something behind. a searing and lasting reminder.

“...can I?”

He nods, and they press their lips onto him, making gentle pecks across the skin, but his composure was wearing and the further denial of release had him on edge.

fuck.

“hey- just…a bit more,” as the frustration leaves his mouth.

“a bit more…?” 

He hated that sentence.

It meant that he actually had to explicitly say what he wanted. Things like that never came easy to him. But pride at this point, was a waste of time.

“I need you to do it harder.”

“….do what harder?”

For fuck sake.

He gathers their hair around his fist and tightens his grip on it.

“…I’m seriously going to need you to fucking bite me.”

A slow smirk appears on their face.

“…okay.”

They put one hand around his neck, and as they gradually sink their teeth into him, they pick up the pace once again and his need to come reaches its limit.

He clenches his teeth, “h-hey I…”

“…. that’s fine seungbae.”

They sink their teeth harder and the adrenaline that rushes straight into his body makes him groan out in pain, the line between performer and participant blurring and the sense of possessiveness that he felt from their mouth and the glint that he saw when he looked back at them. it felt familiar.

 “…you can come now,” they murmur, and that sentence alone makes him quickly fall apart, his legs stiffening and his hands becoming numb as the grip on their hair becomes tighter.

--

 His body eventually calms down after a while, and he wearily lays his head against their shoulder.

“…how was the performance?” they say, their voice soft and dream-like. His head was still buzzing.

“I enjoyed it. It was…nothing I haven’t quite experienced before.”

“ …good. that’s good. im happy for you…”

Seungbae lifts his head up, “…but how about you? did you…”

Never mind.

“I think I’m rambling as well. I’ll get.."

They put their hands on his shoulders, putting a stop to his sudden movement. Maybe it was a good thing, he still felt sore.

They get up from his lap, fixing their top and pulling down their skirt. They rub the lipstick off the corner of their mouth, and then inspect their thumb closely.

“…your a really amazing kisser,” they whisper, and then they look up.

“I also enjoyed myself as well. just like you…”               

Like me?

Seungbae gets up from the seat, their eyes never breaking contact with him.

“then, is it okay if I see you again?”

their eyes widen, but then their smile turns into a frown. They fold their arms.

“…see me here? Or see me…outside of here.”

Seungbae felt his resolve finally solidify, and he knew exactly what he wanted to do. He moves closer.

“…outside. I want to get to know you. uh…”

He wasn’t good at this. he clears his throat.

“…properly that is. I know this is only our second meeting, but I want to see where this could go.”

He wanted to say that he liked them, and maybe the type of like that he had for them was a lot. but it was too soon, and he was afraid that lust was perhaps impairing his judgment.

asshole.

“…im not saying this for the sake of playing games or trying to lead you on. I really do want to.”

Their eyes travel to his phone, where the corner of it stuck out outside of his back pocket, and then they pull it out.

“…password?” they say, still looking at his phone.

“…two, three, five and one.”

They unlock the phone, and they start typing their contact details except for their name. They pass it back to him.

Seungbae reads it back to himself, and then he looks at them. Their eyes looked expectant.

Oh.

“…i should have asked this from the beginning. im sorry. your name. what is your name?”

Their gentle smile appears once more.

“...I'm glad you finally asked me. my name is..."

___

[demonshauntingthedoves]

Where are youuuu 😭

I know I'm the worst of writers to keep my beautiful doves waiting.

But I want to be very transparent with y'll.

I'm not feeling like writing since last time I posted, still I've tried to push myself to write little chunks of rotten 2, perfidious 3 and the keychain 2, but they're still very incomplete.

I'm really out of the flow these days.

I was busy with sem in march and then busy recovering from the mental exhaustion and now that I was about to get better, they've already scheduled the next tests. 😮‍💨

And the cherry on the cake is, your demonic writer got herself a devil, in simple words, I started dating after sem and thought it would go well and help me in refreshment, but honestly to tell instead of getting that high of love and over enthusiasm and motivation, I find myself more drained and exhausted than ever.

Idk if it is the wrong time or the wrong guy.

Or the wrong choice?

Anyways, let's not get in too much detail or I'll start ranting. 😅

I'm really ashamed to give these excuses and dump my frustrations here. I extremely empathize with the turmoil of the readers when they're left on cliffhangers but doves please give me a chance to give you the best of my writings which is done with my full interest and not the otherwise.

I know I have barely posted any content but the response and love I've received is a lot for me. I owe you a lot of love for that. So please stay.

Do send me asks regarding anything you're curious to know more, like what do you think would happen, should happen, or just opinion of any sort, I would love to answer my doves.

(literally going to breakup with that asshole)

[josefavomjaaga]

Eugène’s slave in Egypt

As I'm feeling really cranky already due to lots of annoying stuff going on in real life, I might just feel in the right mood to elaborate more on the story of Eugène's Egyptian slave. Just to add a little variety to the endless repetition of praising Eugène as the perfect son and the perfect husband. Here's Eugène in a truly negative role, allowing us to be cranky with him.

The source for this story is a rather curious opus called "Avec Bonaparte en Égypt", the author of which is one quartermaster and uniform tailor François Bernoyer. I know very little about its overall trustworthyness. It seems to have been rediscovered (in some dusty corner of the family archive) and published only mid-20th century by some distant relative, so it's a fairly recent publication as far as memoirs are concerned. The form is ... curious, as I said. It's supposed to be a collection of 19 letters, sent by Bernoyer to two recipients, his wife and a (male) cousin, letters that Bernoyer apparently had taken the pain to copy before sending them off (as otherwise some of them surely would be lost). Even the publisher in the preface suggests that there must have been some heavy editing going on at some point, as most of the letters are way too long for a single missive.

Moreover, as I noticed when I borrowed the book, the letters are almost bare of any true communication like you would expect them from a soldier far away from his family. No questions of the "How is your granddad?, Tell your sister to not marry that idiot of a suitor unless he has lots of money" etc. variety. Instead, there are long descriptions of landscape and culture and lots of dialogue. As a matter of fact, on reading it I immediately suspected it to be an epistolary novel, possibly based on some actual letters. (I remember that from Malta, there were two letters by Bernoyer, one to his wife, telling her how much he loved and missed her, and another to the alleged cousin, detailing an erotic adventure Bernoyer had in the same place. The whole thing looked arranged to make the author come across as a hypocrit, to the amusement of the reader.)

Anyway. Of course this does not mean that the story of Eugène's black slave cannot be true. So here we go:

Like many French soldiers in Egypt, Bernoyer, deprived of female company due to the very different social customs of the country, starts to feel a little lonely and so eagerly follows some French officer to go shopping, in a market that had recently received a large number of female black slaves. There's a rather lengthy scene of how the two customers are first shown women that were too fat, old, ugly and smelly and had to insist on something better, until the business owner finally let them have a look at his two best girls. One of which Bernoyer than studies (and describes in detail) from her head to her ... well, pubic hair as that seems to be what fascinates him most. In order to see her naked, he has to "uncover" her first which he claims she was too ashamed to do herself, but of course he discovers some secret pride in her eyes at Bernoyer's appreciative glance.

I think it was at this point when I first wanted to reach into the pages, drag the guy out and slap him senseless. But I degress.

Bernoyer is indeed very happy with this piece of merchandise. Unfortunately, the price seems a little high: 1,800 livres. He decides to leave and come back at a later time, in order to maybe get the trader to lower the price. But when he comes back, the girl is sold and gone. He ruefully goes about his business for two days, until ...

On leaving the general's house, I met Monsieur Eugène de Beauharnais. He took me by the arm and led me into his room, saying that he wanted to show me some novelties from Paris. My dear cousin, guess what these novelties were! Well, I'll tell you because you'd never guess: It was the beautiful black girl that I had bargained for two days before. At the time, this surprise froze me in place. I quickly pulled myself together! His mistress, whom I had seen and detailed naked, now clothed in rich clothes, adorned with a prodigious quantity of pearls and diamonds around her neck and on her breast, seemed to me even more beautiful. In my astonishment, I could not help asking him:

"How did you manage to make such an expenditure? Only two days ago you told me you were penniless. You explained to me then that your mother herself sent you money but that here, when you went to Bonaparte, you always left empty-handed."

"In order to avoid another refusal, I have borrowed 10,000 francs from a merchant who has relations with Paris. In return for a letter of change, that I signed, my mother will reimburse him."

"You are probably unaware, Monsieur de Beauharnais, that your magnificent black almost belonged to me, and I consider it a miracle that she is in your hands. I am not upset to see her with you: I know your kindness and I can affirm that it would be difficult to place her in better hands." "I assure you, Monsieur Bernoyer, that I have never made such good use of my money. I have already spent six thousand francs to make her as beautiful as a queen. I love her like crazy, so witty and playful is her character that has opened up an inexhaustible source of pleasure for me..."

And that was the second time when I felt like reaching into the pages and slapping someone. But at least Eugène was a teenager at the time, in whose case I can understand a little better if the main interest in a female's character (a female he most likely could not even talk with) revolved mostly around this "inexhaustible source of pleasure".

[reginrokkr]

𝐂𝐋𝐗𝐈. Following the series of AQs in which Dain participates, this post will conclude with Caribert before the next quest comes in a few months.

✧ I remember talking vaguely about this detail, but just as it'll happen later in a different thing, it's hard to believe that Dain doesn't have some manner of sentience even if in a subconscious level that he has no explanation for. This case being that, among the first things he does upon arriving to the place he remembers vaguely that something happened, he outright inspects the small field where Chlothar used to grow the mushrooms he needed for the potion. And in the present, that same place is where his own corpse and his lover's were buried.

✦ ◜My memories are quite foggy, but my subconscious and instincts both assert that something once happened here.◞

As I was saying— joke's on me I completely forgot about this, so I really was on to something. That aside, I think this opens many doors for him in terms of sentience of things that... not even he experienced. As what Aether witnesses after his sleep was Lumine's memories while Dain was doing something else elsewhere, while still somehow nearby. It does make me wonder if his soul, perhaps untainted by the curse and the corruption (ironically I already portrayed him like this, but seeing more solid things in canon that to some extent make it plausible overjoys me), has somehow an omniscience by itself or it's being pushed towards that direction by something else. A possibility for this would be Irminsul answering directly to Dain's concerns / thoughts and beckoning him in that direction so he discovers it by himself. Whichever the case may be, both are highly interesting and which I already implemented in my portrayal in what concerns his sentience. Overall, it's quite interesting that he insists that something happened in the house even though he didn't experience said something himself.

✧ In view of what we learn about Chlothar's waning body as a result of the curse, I find Paimon's comments about Dain's great senses (smell and hearing) despite his age (in addition to being in a great physical-shape too and be able to pull those moves in a more hostile environment down to being able to press on even when handling great pain that is immobilizing) to be like little crumbs to be alert about Dain's difference when compared to someone dealing with the same curse as him, yet having declined significantly more in just about a hundred years in comparison to the five hundred years Dain lived so far. This is a detail I didn't realize myself back when the AQ was released.

✦ This is a small crumb compared with the huge lore bombs this AQ brought, but I adore how compassionate and mindful Dain is when seeing Lumine crying when she woke up and that he'd decide to let her alone to recompose herself in case she'd feel ashamed if he were to stay instead. Combined the fact that he's the kind of watching over his traveling partner's sleep while he stays wide awake. Now, following the line of Dain's sentience— the direction he takes to continue his investigation is none other than the way Caribert takes by the end of the quest before the scene of the cliff and Lumine passing out.

✧ ◜As far as I'm concerned, humans who do not worship The Seven are nigh extinct... and all who place faith in the gods are my enemies.◞

Considering how little it must've been since the cataclysm broke out, it's very curious how very few Khaenri'ahns made it to Chlothar's days before he encountered the Sinner and quite saddening to think about, how many of them might've turned into monsters of the Abyss, started to have some extent of belief in them even if it's just to be forgiven due to the horrible curse cast upon them or potentially passed away by even worse means, specially if we remember how scared people were of even going past the gates to Sumeru's underground due to the amount of monsters they must've encountered on their way.

✦ ◜It's said that this medicine is imbued with the power of Sumeru's God of Wisdom, and can awaken the mind from a state of deep stupor... It has been used in the past to treat cases of mania. [...] I read it in a book from the Royal Library of Khaenri'ah. It was banned, since this medicine requires the power of The Seven to work. [...] I was leafing through some forbidden texts and happened upon it.◞

Another point worth mentioning, seeing how Khaenri'ah had knowledge of the gods and banned said knowledge from the general public. Chances are that there were two separate libraries and that the Royal Library was of limited access or had a restricted place that at the very least the nobles knew of its existence.

✧ ◜The gods of this world have never stood with humanity... Not even for a moment!◞

I don't have much to comment about this myself as there might be information in the future to shed light upon this, but I think it deserves its recognition for now to keep in mind in the future in case it isn't just some widely-spread belief in Khaenri'ah about the gods and that the founders really discovered something about the gods that made them think this, and that it actually has some weight to it.

✦ ◜There is a waterfall near the statue I prayed at. I need you to collect some water from there around two in the afternoon.◞

Following the line of thought from earlier about the banner knowledge, this detail about that potion is too specific to ignore and a good reason to wonder how far and wide Khaenri'ah's knowledge about the other nations extended. There is no doubt that those who came from other nations also contributed with this net of wisdom, but it's worth remembering that some Khaenri'ahns were also acting as spies both in Enkanomiya and Sumeru. It wouldn't be far-fetched to think that they did this in other nations too.

✧ ◜Halt, humans. Fate has not granted you the right to enter this place... [...] Very well. Then I grant you the trial of destiny.◞

Not much to say about this, except that I have a feeling that it'll become more relevant in the future too. The quest's name while in the sanctuary where the Fortune Lector is found is "A lamenter at fate's end" and the subtitle of this abyssal being is "secret keeper of fate's end". Not to mention that what it was guarding was... the final place where Lumine and Chlothar encounter the Sinner. Furthermore, based on the CN wording and the Caribert AQ description in CN too point towards the Sinner being the same "self-proclaimed prophet / someone who understands fate well" that narrates Dain's description. So there are high chances that the Sinner and Caribert becoming the Loom of Fate are closely related, and most likely than not the Sinner is the one who did something about Caribert's sanity.

✦ Chlothar's suspicious fascination for the Fortune Lector might be a good example of how amazed part of the Khaenri'ah civilization was by the power of the Abyss, as despite how poisonous it is for every living being, he would describe it as a beautiful power. It speaks great volumes of how deep the obsessions were in those who had them.

✧ ◜...O, dear creature, why do you bow down? For fear of the unknown? Or for a power that you covet? O, dear creature, why do you bow down? For I am no God... I am but a "Sinner". You are like a flower born in sin yet pure, spotless... I know your fate well. You need no longer hold back your resentment, nor accept the countless lies. Go forth, become a transcendent one, rise beyond the fate bestowed upon you... And I shall shed a tear at the end of time... as I gaze back upon your life.◞

For some reason, I have the feeling that these words were meant for Chlothar as besides the hilichurls, he was the only one bowing down and not Lumine. And that the male realized that she also heard him and that's where he stayed silent. The reason why this wouldn't apply to the hilichurls too is because the word choice for addressing to someone in singular. Which leads me to wonder if one of the requirements of being a pure-blood Khaenri'ahn like Chlothar is to "be like a flower born in sin yet pure, spotless". This reminds me heavily of the inteyvats given that against all odds, they would still bloom in conditions that are incompatible with life. It's also highly curious that it is possible to be above a fate that's been bestowed and that Chlothar might've been able to make it, which would explain why in the end his corpse could be found buried in the field.

✦ Seeing that abyssal energy coming from behind Caribert's mask fills me with intrigue, and it reminds me of how well-tied the AQs Dain is involved in are. We don't even need to go too far and just think about Requiem of the Echoing Depths and when the matter of hilichurls not taking off their masks so they won't see what they turned into from being humans was addressed, and the follow-up this had in Caribert now. Maybe Caribert is a special case himself due to the Sinner resonating with Chlothar for reasons unknown, or maybe it's something that could happen to other hilichurls as well, I'm unsure. It would be great to learn more about this one day and I'm positive we will in following AQs where Dain comes back.

✧ ◜I never imagined that you, of all people, would deny the Abyss... How ridiculous! We once believed that you would bring new strength and hope to Khaenri'ah. To us, you were the Abyss... A wondrous mystery far beyond our imagination and comprehension... And the one who controls the Abyss can control everything! We yearned for that future. We looked to you to take us there. But what did you bring us instead? O Princess... of Khaenri'ah?◞

This here is a heavy point of irony and re-reading Chlothar's words reminds me once again of Dain's claim of hypocrisy. How Khaenri'ah went from denying the gods to worship someone else like they were one, all because of the devotion they held for the Abyss. It's also intriguing the thought that things weren't going well in Khaenri'ah by the time Lumine arrived, probably tied with the fall of King Irmin and perhaps due to more factors that we don't know about yet.

✦ Lastly, it's interesting the thought that Dain does have his own suspicions about the identity of the Sinner and that there are high chances that he knows that the Sinner is a "he" even though he didn't hear his voice and that Aether might have not said that it sounded like a male voice either. Also the fact that despite being a memory and that somehow Aether was able to see what Lumine went through in those brief days, that the Sinner knows about him through this alone.

[cristcelynnajoyhorario]

Personal Narrative

I Did It All by Myself 

Here I am again a mess who ruined her own life 

As I talk to myself after pushing myself attending to class one last try. Feeling deeply drained I attended late to class just to getting myself embarrassed to first and second subject as both of my teachers misunderstood my intentions, I hid inside the bathroom after the discussion and cried, I don’t usually react that way because I don’t really care about my academics before until that school year wanting to do better and yet it wasn’t enough. After crying for hours I got back to the class like nothing happened. 

With no hope to hold on,  I walk out of the school without knowing it’ll be the last time I’ll ever see my classmates as they graduated except me, I don’t envy them instead felt proud for them but at the same time I felt heavy as if carry the world on my shoulder but felt empty as a if the world I carry is hollow and a mess as a abandoned house. 

 As I told my teachers and classmates that I wasn’t going back attending to school anymore one of my teacher put me aside and ask me ‘Why would you want to drop out?” With a confused and curious expression on her face. I answered” we’re having a financial problem and I wanted to help my parents.” Looking in her eyes as I lied to her, She said “Someday you’ll regret it and I suggested you to continue, there’s only 4 months left “ she was right, but I’ve already regretted attending to school in the first place, Little did she know I wanted to stop not because of financial problem or with school activities but because I felt lost, ashamed and disappointed I am within myself after I’ve tried everything not making myself look like a fool just for me to make it actually worst than that, making it harder for me to focus and catch up to class. 

 My parents didn’t know what to do, dissapointed, ashamed they decided to just let me be. All alone on the street for a one night stands just so I could eat and get drunk. Going to places I’ve never been before and slowly losing myself, Till one day my mother called me and ask my situation. I told her so she could leave me alone expecting she’d get furious and dissapointed. Instead she cried asking me why I didn’t told her sooner, while I’m standing confused till I realised, I wasn’t hurting just myself but the people I love and cared about. 

 From that day on I left to that place and went to my grandparents receiving all the love I’ve longing for from my parents. Having long walks every  morning watching as the birds fly I wanted to be free just as how the birds flying freely but my dreams are just dreams.  After living my life as an atheist I eventually I got closer to god as my curiosity got bigger my knowledge expanded. Without noticing I relearning how to love and forgive myself. It was a long process that needed plenty of patience but I’m patient enough to endure everything and I’m glad  knowing I did it all by myself. 

[deadw0rldssounds]

Trauma dump and a rant about g house.

Every once and again you get struck by motivation. And so was I. So gather up children as I tell you the story of my fucked up relationship with this absolutely amazing genere of music:

Let me set the stage, I was around 18 at the time and I adored anything and everything that came out of confession label, I just broke up with the first real boyfriend I've ever had. To make matters worse I tried molly (escapism taken to the maximum) and I had just finished watching bojack horseman.

I was invited to a party, becasue the host wanted my best friend to come and it would be so fucking bizzare if she came without me apparently. I knew like 3 people there but most often they were too bussy with each other to even care about me.

Long fucking story short I really had a bad time being the outsider. So to deal with that I was drinking. HEAVILY. Literary black out drunk. Than a thought was in my brain 'I want to see the view from half-down, so maybe I could feel any kind of regret, any reason why I should have lived.'

I didn't even have time to process the thought because the next thing I saw was the view from the 6th floor balcony's barricade. And I felt people dragging me off of it. Needless to say I was under constant surveilence for the rest of the night. There were 2 older guys who were also doing music, so they were designated to watch over me because they had something they could be talking about with me.

I felt jelous. They were so much better than me at that point. And actually cool. Even gave me some usefull tips for singing and producing.

I wanted to pretend to be someone, to be happy with the work I put out. And so I set my sights on captuchring the jelousy, anger, hatered, and hopleness into an EP. That was the 'philosophy' released on my youtube channel in 2019.

Later I became ashamed of myself. I wanted to cut myself off from that person and never look back. 'Burry this old version and don't set up the grave stone so he can never be found' type beat. But my life has gotten better. And I've grown so much as an artist. I decided that I'd rather celebrate the overcomming of those emotions and bettering oneself instead of hidding away.

So I created a track emulating that old school g house. It's avilable too see on my channel right now. Along with the rest of the ep because I truly believe that now I am someone, I am happy with the work I put out.

Thank you for listening to my story and remember: just because a world died, does not mean it will stay that way.

Here is the link to the entire ep. now featuring the newest track 'the last philosopher'

(yes I do feel kinda bad self promoting after that huge wall of trauma dump but I know I would be curious to hear those tracks)

[casspurrjoybell-33]

Wreckless - Check

*Warning Adult Content*

Emmett

I go to work Monday morning but Finnegan and his appointment is on my mind instead of the brake rotors I work on for almost two hours.

I hope it's going well, that it's not too hard on him.

I was too focused on needing it to happen to really think about that part until now.

He mentioned scans and a blood draw and I hope they don't have to inject him or anything for his scans, some are easier than others.

I know he's going to work afterwards but that doesn't really reassure me, I think he'd go even if he should be going home to rest.

About ten am I start thinking things I shouldn't be.

Like if he's really there.

He said over and over that he couldn't really miss work and I wonder if he rescheduled the appointment but has decided to skip it.

No, he wouldn't do that. Right?

I take my morning break at 10:30 and stare down at my phone.

I have his card in my wallet, it's still there from that fateful night when he ran the red.

I could call and ask for him.

If I get put through I'll just hang up and I'll know.

But that's borderline stalker-ish and I really don't want to be a creep.

I'm not a creep. But I am concerned.

"Walker Industries, Finnegan Walker's office, how may I help you?"

I get Megan and she sounds fine, not rushed or upset.

"Is Mr. Walker in?"

Hopefully she won't remember my voice from the last time I called, she talks to tons of people every day.

"I'm afraid he's unavailable, can I put you through to his voice mail? He'll be back in the office after lunch."

So he went, good.

By the sounds of it, the entire factory hasn't come to a stand-still but I'm curious.

"Is thePpresident in?"

"We don't have the President on-site, Sir. Mr. Walker is the senior executive."

"So no other Vice-Presidents?"

Is he seriously running this company all by himself?

I assumed that the 'Vice' that meant he had help.

Maybe his father is the president, that would make sense and he's in Michigan.

I guess I really hadn't thought about it.

"No Sir. We have several department heads currently in the building if I can redirect your call."

"No, no, that won't be necessary, thank you. I'll call back this afternoon."

I hang up and am ashamed of myself but also very relieved.

No wonder he's always so stressed out and the whole delay was so hard on him.

I should have realized but I didn't put it together that he's the big kahuna.

Wow. I certainly couldn't handle that, no wonder he needs a break in the evenings.

I decide to text him.

He probably won't get it but if he does, maybe it'll lift his mood.

Emmett Locke: Thinking of you. Hope everything is going okay. Let me know if you need anything and thanks for 'breakfast' this morning, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

I'm about to climb under a car to do an oil change when my phone dings.

Finnegan Walker: Only the big one left, they're going pretty quick. I should thank you for breakfast, very filling. Delicious, really.

I'd love to see him tomorrow Heck, I'd like to see him tonight.

It'll be kind of weird not having him in bed with me, I'm getting used to sharing it with him.

Emmett Locke: I'll miss you but understand. Tomorrow is good, you're always welcome.

Finnegan Walker: I'm looking at butt plugs, make sure the base is nice and wide, ya know? Not the base, the uh, the part that holds it in. Some of them are super thin and then flare a ton. I want it to stay in obs but... I can not believe I'm typing this. You'll know what to get. Also, those metal ones scare me. Maybe I am a prude.

Emmett Locke: I'll get silicone, don't worry. And yes, I will pick good ones. Curved ones if you're lucky.

They're already ordered but he doesn't need to know that.

I love that he's looking although doing it at a hospital seems sort of weird, not sure I could.

Granted, I'm at work texting about it so there's that.

Finnegan Walker: CURVED? I'm so sheltered. My turn, gotta run.

I'm glad he'll be out of there soon, hopefully he'll have time to get some lunch.

I brought leftovers with me and I won't have to cook for days.

I really hope Finn makes it tomorrow so he can help me eat some of it, actually.

I would have sent some with him today but he couldn't exactly leave food in his car during his tests.

"Emmett, you got bay 2?" Peter asks, pulling me out of my head.

"Yeah, sorry, on it."

"Thanks."

I need to focus and now that I know Finnegan is doing his tests and almost finished, maybe I finally can.

Andy calls me just as I'm about to leave and pretty much bullies me into heading to the alley.

He's right, I haven't been in awhile and it's as good a way as any to spend an evening without Finnegan.

I stop at home on the way to change and grab my fancy shoes that Finn bought me.

I'm attempting to make my hair look decent enough to be out in public when I decide that it's time for the beard to go.

It's hot, it drove me crazy at the pool and it will just be getting hotter and more humid as the evil Baltimore summer swings into full gear.

Yep, it's time. 

It takes awhile, two go-overs with the clippers and then a razor but I finally see my face after almost a year.

It'll take me a few days to get used to it, it always does but it just feels like summer to me.

Maybe I'll stop by the barber and get them to take a few inches off my hair.

I don't want it short but it's getting so long that it's hard to put up and it always looks like crap.

Andy will be at the alley all night so there's no rush.

[grad604-jasdeepdhaliwal]

Outline

Locating your creative practise, finding your creative voice.

Design Artefacts:

Outcomes/delivarbles:

Formative - Map

Summative - essay - presented in a A2 format 

IN CLASS TASKS

Reflecting on the projects we saw in our morning lectures, discuss either the Matariki posters or the student projects on the plastic.

What did you like about it?

The ideas

I really enjoyed watching the student work behind the plastic as even though I’m from a completely different background I know my friends who have told me different stories on them being ashamed about calling themselves samoan as they feel plastic cause they can't speak their native language. I really liked how instead of keeping it just typography based or picture based they decided to use images of the people who were referred to as “plastic.” I also really like the idea on how they let each person who was photographed to be able to draw and freely express how the word “plastic” made them feel. I also thought it was interesting reading the survey responses and how it related on a much deeper level to the people of the Pacifica community as they left their personal stories and experiences to a question that required a yes/no answer.

5 sentences - “Where I am from”

My feet touch the pebbles to see my whanau as I smell the barbeque.

The green trees with the sound of the gusting wind is where I’m from as I take a bite from nanny’s cooking.

My reflection in my whanau’s sacrifice shows me where I’m from.

The colourful vibrant sweets on my table bring a sense of my whanau’s reflection.

The dust in my eyes as I chase after the dogs is where I’m from.

Reflection

Sweets - signifying my cultural sweets (barfi)

Sacrifice - Immigrating

Gusting wing - Change

Dust - Location

Who are the designers, illustrators or organisations in Aotearoa or worldwide who influence you?

Alistair McCready (Typography based designer)

Rupi Kaur (Poet)

Voices of hope (Mental health charity affirmations)

Fahmeed (Works with big artists and makes animations)

What do you value as a creative?

Cultural movement (Specifically Punjabi Sikh)

Mental Health

Feminism

Te Toi o Mangahekea, 2023 

by tā moko and public installation artist Graham Tipene (Ngāti Whātua, Ngāti Kahu, Ngāti Hine, Ngāti Hauā, Ngāti Manu)

I can engage my curiosity on this by visiting this art gallery in person as this piece is outside AUT. I can go on their website and read the online website about it and the story to Graham Tipene’s thought process in designing this and what it actually means.

The values they bring into the work are

Inclusivity 

Individualism

Passion

The design communities emerging from this piece are collectively from the Maori culture itself or people who didn’t know about their own native tongue but are relating to this piece on visually understanding more about their own homeland, as well as the diversed community surrounding this piece in New Zealand who have yet to start learning about it.

What excites me is how patterns can have such a deep meaning as well as the repetition in this particular piece and that it was outside the art gallery where I’m always walking past and there's no text to explain anything so that’s when you feel curious on wanting to know more to gain a better understanding.

The Creative

I am doing the creative practise and underpinning research and this can be approaching my work from different angles everyday and finding different solutions and problems to be working with, so I’m always staying curious and learning different ways of designing it.

I’m a designer who loves doing illustrations and working with type, if I ever get the chance to showcase my culture I love shining the light on it as everyday I learn more about it, and I feel like knowing my native language brings me closer to myself.

The influences on me as a designer come from many people, old traditions and stories within my own culture, influences with my peers in class and seeing the design directions where their work comes from, online research on worldwide people but mostly I like to choose categories of certain types of designs that I can intimately relate to.

I can unpack design ideologues by noting everything I've seen and what I want to believe in and what makes those designs visually relatable to me. It wouldn’t be my individual design piece if I never believed in it.

I can however expand my visual vocabulary by understanding the environmental, social, cultural and political context of my design influences as it’s not a trend and an ongoing discussion which can somehow correlate into my own work. I can always have another route by learning this way as I can explore and see how I respond to those pieces of work. I'll never know if I stick to the same comfort zone.

I value 

Key themes, ideas and conversations in my work

[shaelashaela]

Before You Were Born, ch. 5

[cw] catcalling, verbal harassment, physical violence [reading time] 7 mins.

“Hey. Hey, pretty. Slow down a sec.”

I averted my eyes and picked up my pace instead. Despite my best efforts to go unnoticed, I had the unfortunate luck of constantly attracting the worst types when I went out. Today it was a young man with spiky hair and an arrogant swagger. He’d followed me for a couple of blocks, probably thinking I didn’t notice him. Once he decided to open his mouth, it confirmed exactly what I assumed about him.

He wouldn’t give up, though. “Yo, I just wanna talk.”

I walked as fast as I could without breaking into a run. My heart kept pace with my feet, and I repeated in my head, Go away. Go away. Go away.

My heart sank as I approached the bus stop. I had to make a choice: either stop now and endure this, or keep moving and find somewhere safe to disappear for a few minutes. The man with the red beard was here again today, though. Maybe if I was closer to him, the other guy might not approach?

I walked up beside him and stopped, still pointing my eyes toward the ground. I hoped the bus would arrive soon, and I shuffled my feet back and forth, trying to be as unassuming as possible.

Spiky-hair stopped just an arm’s length away. “Why’re you bein’ a bitch? I just wanna say hi.”

Cornered, I finally responded without turning around. My voice rattled. “You’ve said it. Now, please leave me alone.”

Red-beard took notice at that point. He wasn’t wearing earbuds today, and he glanced over his shoulder curiously at spiky-hair.

The other man didn’t take the hint. “Just gimme a smile. C’mon.”

Red-beard turned suddenly to me. “Oh, hey! I didn’t see you walk up. C’mere.”

He beckoned with his hand. Confused but too scared to refuse, I leaned down closer to him since he was quite a bit shorter than me. Without warning, he grabbed me around the shoulders and hugged me tight.

“Don’t say anything,” he whispered in my ear. “I’ll let you know when he’s gone.”

His arms were stout like tree branches, so I didn’t feel like I could escape anyways. After a brief pause, I heard spiky-hair swear under his breath and walk away. A moment later, I was released. I regained my senses and drew away from my rescuer, both thankful and wary at the same time. A gasp left my lips; I didn’t even realize I held my breath.

Red-beard resumed his original position, waiting for the bus to arrive. “Sorry that dude was being a dick to you.”

I fidgeted with my skirt, smoothing it out to give my hands and mind something to do. “Th-thanks.”

He didn’t say anything else. Curious, I looked over at him, and for just the briefest of moments I glimpsed grey, bark-encrusted skin underneath his neatly cropped ginger hair. He caught me staring at him and shot me a stern glance right back.

“Hey lady, take a picture,” he quipped, his voice suddenly much colder than it was a moment ago.

I turned away, ashamed for being rude. “Sorry! I didn’t mean to stare.”

He harrumphed indignantly. My curiosity would get the better of me, though. There was only one kind of fey I knew that could pull off elaborate glamour in broad daylight. I had to ask.

“You—you’re a spriggan, aren’t you?”

He threw his hands up in exasperation. “This is the thanks I get? I just ran off that creep, and now you’re trying to blow my cover?”

I should have known better. I tried hard myself not to be noticed (and failed spectacularly, unlike him). But I was fascinated, and I couldn’t help myself. Most elves lost much of their ability to weave complex illusions when the veil between worlds shattered, and we could only do so with considerable effort. Spriggans were masters of the art and could wear whatever appearance they wanted. I was momentarily proud of myself for noticing his true form.

I didn’t want to push away another fey though, considering how few of us there were living among the humans. I apologized to him again, and he waved a hand dismissively at me.

“Forget it,” he responded.

“My name’s Sylvie, by the way.”

His face stretched under the strain of incredulity. “I guess you wanna be friends now?”—he grunted a half-hearted laugh—“I’m Malcolm. Most people just call me Mal.”

I made a friend!

The bus pulled up to the stop, and both of us were relieved for very different reasons. Mal made the same gallant gesture as the other day, motioning for me go first. I found a seat and moved over to let him sit down, but he walked past me. I’m not proud of it, but sometimes I can be a little single-minded. I got up and relocated next to him, blocking him into his window seat. He shook his head in disbelief.

The bus started to move again. I pursed my lips for a moment, trying to think of a good topic for conversation. “So, what brings you here? I didn’t think spriggans liked to venture much outside of the Moonwood.”

“Look lady, don’t make a big deal of this. I’m just trying to live my life. Let’s just say it’s complicated, and I like being alone. Don’t you have any elf friends you can bother?”

I shook my head. “Outside of my parents, I haven’t met any other elves that live here. A few pass through from time to time, but I don’t think they want to stay here. Oh! Though I did learn yesterday that my neighbour’s wife is an elf. Er… well, was an elf. She passed away some time ago. I didn’t even get to meet her.”

He banged his head up against the window. “Jesus, you’re a piece of work.”

I ran my fingers through my hair over and over again, nervously trying to think of what to say next. I annoyed him. Maybe it would be better if I kept my mouth shut.

A rush of air brushed past my legs, just for a second. Odd, since I didn’t see any open windows. I looked down but saw nothing.

Mal sat up, and his brow creased. “What was that?”

I started a reply, but instead cried out as pain shot up my right arm. Sharp icicles pierced my flesh. I looked down, and a faint glow of two red eyes in the midst of churning black smoke stared back at me. I panicked and tried to shake it off, but the shadow creature held tight.

Screams broke out all across the bus as people panicked. Dozens of the biting smoke animals surrounded us. I tried desperately to compose myself and remember what my father taught me about defence against dark magic, but my breath was short and strained. Fear clawed its way up my throat.

Mal climbed over me and slammed his fist down hard on my assailant’s head, and it finally let go. “You are just nothing but trouble for me,” he quipped, and then he tumbled out into the aisle via my lap.

The bus came to a screeching halt, causing further chaos as everyone was thrown forward out of their seats. Thankfully it also disoriented the shadow beasts, scattering them everywhere. I’d never witnessed so many conjurations in one place. I rubbed my throbbing arm, trying to assuage the pain and regain focus. Most of the other passengers took advantage of the momentary lull in the melee to force the doors and emergency exits open and flee, though a few were left behind, struggling to get off the floor.

My new friend got to his feet and tilted his head back and forth until there was an audible crack from his neck. I couldn’t fathom what he was thinking—was he going to beat them all with his bare hands? He’d be overwhelmed for sure!

Since he stood instead of cowered, the creatures all turned their misshapen heads in his direction. Several of them converged into a larger, wolf-like beast made of coalescing smoke and shadow, slightly more opaque as a unit than they were individually. I tried to warn Mal that he would be torn limb from limb, but he wasn’t listening to me anymore.

I felt a surge of energy in the air, a familiar rush of magic that only the fey could muster. It exhilarated me and at least partially cleared my senses. Before my eyes, Mal changed. His human skin melted away as he abandoned his glamour. His body grew to the ceiling like a great oak tree, and his skin turned ashen, bark sprouting from it in irregular patterns. Coppery autumn leaves cascaded from his head and chin in place of hair and beard. The few people who remained on the bus grew still, dumbstruck by his presence.

His voice rumbled like thunder from within his new frame. “Come on, mutt.”

The wolf lunged at him, going for the throat, but Mal was surprisingly agile for his new size. He slammed his fist into the beast’s chest while it was in mid-air, and then with one arm shoved it down so hard that the frame of the bus protested with a metallic groan. He gave it no time to recover and brought his other fist down hard in the same spot, this time striking so hard that his fist split the floor open. The smoky creature dispersed into mere wisps as it was crushed between spriggan might and solid steel.

The horde of fell animals was undeterred, however. While the wolf amalgam was momentarily dealt with, another group of shadows clumped together and fashioned themselves into a great snake. Mal rose back to his full height just as it fell upon him, coiling around his neck. He grunted and fell down to one knee, clutching at his throat.

I swallowed hard. Now was not the time to let my fear take hold of me. If I didn’t do something, the snake would surely choke him to death, and out of the corner of my eye, I could see the wolf slowly reforming itself from its scattered remains.

Time slowed for me as I let the adrenaline take over. I was terrified, but I grabbed onto one of the seats and pulled myself up. All around me, the shadows were closed in, and I wanted nothing more than to run as fast and as far away as possible. I couldn’t leave Mal to die, though. I called upon the discipline my father instilled in me through years of drills. For decades, I had wondered if my skills would ever be tested, and now I knew.

A low murmur rose in my throat as I recited incantations practised a thousand times. My eyes closed, and my mind sought the evil all around me. One by one, they lit in my consciousness like bloody beacons. One, two, three, four… I counted them all. Seventeen in total. It would be difficult, but I had no choice but to believe I could do it.

With two fingers, I drew a sigil in the air, leaving behind a trail of soft white light. Direct casting of sorcery was not one of my strengths, and magic itself weakened in the human world. But I hoped deeply in my gut that it would be enough. One, two, three swift motions—my fingertips reached the point where they’d started, completing the spell.

A hundred tiny darts of light shot out in all directions, seeking the gloom that threatened us. The creatures wailed and gnashed their icy fangs, writhing in pain as magic melted their ethereal bodies. A bead of sweat ran down my temple. Focus for a moment longer, and I’d burn them all.

No such luck, though; one of the shadows slammed into my chest, and I doubled over. It only took one of them to escape my grasp, and I knew I was finished. I closed my eyes and fell. At least I tried. I hoped Mal would forgive me. It was my fault he was caught up in all of this, after all.

I expected to hit the floor, but someone caught me. The low, throaty voice of my spriggan companion touched my ears. “So you’re not useless, after all. Let’s get out of here.”

He threw me over his massive shoulder and ripped a hole in the side of the bus with his bare hands, breaking out into the welcoming daylight.

[lured-into-wonderland]

She didn’t predict his outburst. When his words started to leave his lips, she moved her curious blue eyes onto his face. Nunnally didn’t expect to hear what she was just hearing, but still she remained calm. Regulus - too much extent - reminded her of her cousin, of how he spoke, what he wanted, and how he disregarded her and her wishes. She was standing there silently; her hands holding the skirt of her dress. Nunnally should be getting annoyed. Irritated or perhaps even mad, but she didn’t. Instead, she started to…pity him? Her fiancé or her husband as he called himself. He must be very lonely. And deep inside, insecure. Now she was able to see herself in him. Was he covering lowliness and loneliness with his greed for power? With his collecting whatever (and obviously whoever) he wanted? Should she interrupt him? She had that thought, but had decided against it. Regulus wouldn’t probably allow her, and if he needed to vent, let him vent. It only cost a bit of her time, and that much she could offer him.

It still lasted longer than she expected. And was bitter and more hurtful than she imagined. But really why? Why did it have such an influence on her?

Nunnally said nothing until it was over, her eyes had only become sadder and kinder at the same time, and, indeed, the archbishop got the blush he wanted: --

“So, why wouldn’t you go to these women? Why me then?” – she wanted to scream these words at him, but, instead, these words were said quietly and kindly. Nunnally didn’t expect an answer, but still she wanted to know. Why her? It couldn’t have been because of her pretty face (she was beautiful; she knew it, but she knew there were girls and women much prettier). It couldn’t have because she was kind, because she truly wasn’t and her fiancé should now that by then.

And yet...how odd!? Was she accepting that she’d marry him? Her hand reached towards him with a clear intention to gently caress his cheek. But it was stopped by his next words.

“Three hundred!” – Nunnally exclaimed; the feeling of humiliation again filled her heart. She moved her hand away, now truly ashamed that she had even thought about sharing something with him.

“Three hundred…” – now her voice was cold; it was almost a hiss – “I am not suited to be one among three hundred. I am special. Unique. There is no other woman like myself.” – she wasn’t sure if she believed her own words, but even if she wasn’t that outstanding, she deserved better that this man and life between his other wives.

“No, no, no! You will never make me accept it. I…I don’t want to be one out of three hundred… I want to have you just for myself! I want my husband to belong to me and only me and in return I’ll offer myself to him…” – that was childish; Nunnally knew it. What’s more, she couldn’t understand why she said that she wanted him. She was on the verge of tears. But then her sadness, her humiliation, her despair turned into a rage: --

“If I am yours, then you are mine. Mine. M i n e. And I am not used to share what is mine. With a n y o n e!” – what an odd statement. What was this man doing to her? With her?

“And…and I’ll find a way to be the only one…Not one among three hundred. Not one among one hundred. Not among twenty and not even among two. I am the one and the only one! You said it yourself. I am not like others.”

A pause.

“Accept it or leave.”

“But if you leave…I am keeping the ring. I want to remember you.”     

She got frightened when he narrowed his eyes. Did she cross the line? Did she offend him? Or hurt him? Good! She wanted to hurt him for he was now hurting her. But again Nunnally made a mistake. She didn’t understand the man, but wasn’t given a chance to learn more as everything around them disappeared. What was happening? Was it some kind of magic?

“W-what h-has just h-happened…?” – she stuttered terrified and trembling – “Where has everything gone? Where are we?” – her voice was louder and louder – “W-what did you do…!?” – that was almost a scream.

She fell on her knees and hid her face into her hands; his words about the wedding falling on her like a cold rain. She had no choice, had she?

“Yes…” – she suddenly complied – “Yes, let’s go home and prepare for our wedding…but…”

A pause; Nunnally moved her head and looked at the man: --

“But let me remind you what number I am. One. Number one. The only one.”

What was he going to do? What was she going to do?

And why was she still feeling sorry for him…?

—-- eh.

What was going on here, was he being rejected? Him! The strongest being alive, the greatest man that there ever was, the person who can do anything and everything he wants, being rejected by someone, it was a violation against his wishes and whims, to anywhere, do anything and above all else, to follow his heart and marry himself to those he deems to be worth his time, because what was love, other than a pretty little face, a slim body, and good manners, there was nothing else to it other than that in truth.

“Why need a father when you have me, why need for a mother when you have me, a sister, a brother, or a friend, why have family when you have someone like me within your life, I am everything you will ever need, anything and everything, I can do it all. I am perfect in every single way, there is no flaw, there is no mistake, you cannot see me for anything other than someone of pure and utter perfect and as such, as the greatest of the greats, the best of the best, as the best there is, the best there was, the best there ever will be, then you of all people should be on your hands and knees, thanking me for pick you, yes you out of all others, to give your pointless life some meaning, to lift you up higher and higher than you have any single right to be lifted and to install some sense and purpose to you. To make you my wife, the wife of the strongest man alive, do you know how many others would want for such a thing, do you know how many would give all that they have to be where you are, here and now, before someone like myself? They would kill their families, there friends, there own children to be anywhere near me and you stand there and look me in the eyes and reject me, turn me down and think that you have the right to turn me away, it does not work like that, nothing works like that, you think you know what the world is and how it is, you are wrong. We control the world, it spins because of us and you are all alive, because we leave you all alone, you think that for all these years, you are safe and you are secure, all lies, all of it. You are so weak and pathetic we cannot even be bothered to do anything to you, you should be happy, truly happy to be picked by the man, who took control of the church, guided it into a new direction and brought the cult of the witch out of the darkness and into the light. I did that, your husband did that, are you not proud of me, does your heart not fill with joy, are you not swimming in pleasure to know you are married to the man who has changed the world and made it what it is here and now, do you have ny idea of the things I have done, the things that I can do and now with you, I have given you a chance to be my wife and come with me, to my own castle, my own kingdom, where you will be spoiled and protected, until you live no more, this is what life is all about, you all want to be loved and I am no different, I need your love, it is so sweet, it tickles the senses to know that now, your heart rests here, you have already given me, everything I need, the perfect blushing bride, giving me the means, to continue to be within this world.”

He placed his hands over his chest and rested the palms there to let her know, her heart was gone, it had already started, the moment he looked at her and made his proposal, his power and his words, enough to take her heart into his own and place others within her chest, as he was already feasting upon the love that rested within the beating little thing within his chest.

“Close to three hundred …” As he would scratch the top of his head. “The numbers decrease every now and then …” A little bit tricky, to keep that many women alive, none can escape him, only death can free them and they do indeed like to kill themselves to escape him.

“You humans, you always do find the unique way to make yourselves seem like you are in control of hopeless situations, when the simple truth is, you are mine. Your beating heart rests in my chest, the ring on your finger is a sign of our love, you are to be my wife, everything you think and say now, it hardly matters, it is just noise.” As he waves his hand back and forth to shoo her away. “Do not speak to me and make commands.” As his eyes quickly narrowed.

“No one, commands me.”

As he turned and raised his hand a sweeping motion made as he moved his hand through the air and circled, around them and everywhere his hand would point, everything within the line of sight and before it, would just … be gone. Destroyed, shredded to a thousand pieces and scattered, to leave nothing behind as if it was never even there, as he cleansed the entire forest right there, right then with one motion of his arm and nothing more, the forest, the animals, the elves, all of them, removed, murdered and erased from the world, leaving them standing with nothing around them.

“There, my mission is complete and my reward is before me, let’s go home so we can get this wedding done, I do love weddings, so very much and this one is going to be special, I have lost count of what number you are, but it hardly matters, your going to fit in wonderfully with everyone else.”