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cupidmarwani-archive · 5 years

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Let It Burn Out (Jockett)

Summary: Crockett’s really trying to keep going, but it’s hard. (The backstory fic).

WC: ~8k

Warnings: Death, Grief, Graphic Attempted Suicide

As far as Crockett has run, it simply hasn’t been far enough. There’s no amount of distance he can put between himself and his past, himself and his family, himself and a grave, that will free him from this ache in his chest that simply refuses to fade. How many months has it been, he wonders as he stares at the calendar on his fridge. It’s not quite a year. He was in the hospital himself for a long time before he packed up and left, but the days and weeks blurred with so few visitors and the majority of his time spent working up the strength to walk as far as down the hall to the bathroom himself.

Some part of him knew, when he kept working as a trauma surgeon, that it wouldn’t help the pain go away. Most, if not every single case, will bring the same memories back to him, but he can’t stop doing it. That would be giving up, and he owes it to himself and to the two people he loved with his whole heart not to give up on those who need better help than they received.

He kicks his fridge and it rattles ominously, a bottle inside falling over and rolling around to be picked up much later down the line, when he has the ability to concentrate and he’s not dangerously close to falling and hitting his head on the tile floor. Logically, he knows he should go to bed. Sleep it off. Pop an aspirin and some orange juice in the morning, maybe get some fluids in before his shift starts, and carry on with his life like the pain he’s been trying so hard to suppress hasn’t suddenly taken him over in a tidal wave.

His phone shows three missed calls when he fumbles to plug it in. He didn’t even hear it go off. Two from Dr. Manning. One from Dr. Choi. There’s tons of texts. All of them can be dealt with in the morning, and not as he curls up alone in his queen sized bed, still dreaming of what it felt like to have his husband holding him through the night.

When he left New Orleans, he didn’t bring his wedding ring with him. He buried it with its match in the casket. The only real memories he brought with him, he can’t bear to look at, so they stay boxed up in his closet for the hypothetical day in the future that he’s able to handle it. Deep down, he doubts that day will ever come.

Luckily, the amount of booze in his system and the exhaustion of the day catch up to him once there’s a pillow beneath his head, and he’ll be able to sleep without dreaming, if what he experiences can even be called that. They’re closer to hell than to anything that could be compared to the softness evoked by the thought of a dream. Nonetheless, he gets nothing of the sort when he closes his eyes for the night. Sleep brings no rest.

His hangover is best described as hellish when he crawls out of bed to the shrill alarm. His head throbs, almost as bad as the sensation of his chest being torn apart by grief that has never even begun to fade. As he makes his way slowly to the bathroom, fighting the urge to vomit, he seriously debates the merits of staying home as opposed to going to work. Dr. Manning will ask him questions, and the patients who need his attention will only bring more hurt to his attempts at recovery.

They wouldn’t want him to stay home.

With a grimace, he takes two aspirin and brushes his teeth to rid himself of the taste of stale liquor and sleep. Cold shower running down his back. No more sweat left on his sticky skin, only bags under his eyes and a faint tremor in his palms that he’ll have to eliminate before he gets back to work. Surgeons need steady hands. He forces himself to breathe deep until they stop shaking.

Going about his morning routine is like walking through molasses, ever so slow in the mire when he chokes down coffee and double knots his shoelaces. Traffic isn’t significantly better or worse than usual. He parks, goes inside. The flask in his locker offers him a small sip to numb him just a little more. There’s no real, physical evidence of the day before left in the hospital. That one little girl who Dr. Choi treated has been transferred to the ICU, and the other patients have been sent home or to recovery. Part of Crockett wants to go check on the kids from yesterday, but he can already tell that he’ll break if he does. They survived this.

He shoves his backpack into the locker with slightly more force than necessary. No one knowing provides a certain loneliness, but if he told them- the pity, the pushes to go home or to therapy or both- he just can’t handle it. Maybe his grieving process isn’t normal, but it’s working well enough for him. He’s still upright on his own two feet with a job and an apartment, which has to be worth something.

“Good morning, Dr. Marcel,” Noah says brightly, tablet in hand with the charts of the morning. “I was going to do a consult in six, did you wanna join?”

Normally, he would say yes. Noah needs his guidance to learn, and Crockett wants to teach him- there’s something so innocent and child-like in him that reminds him of someone he used to tuck into bed at night. Today, he can’t.

“Why don’t you do that one yourself, I’m not on the clock for a few more minutes and I’ve got something to do first.”

“Oh- okay. Everything alright?”

Crockett waves him off and goes into a treatment room, drawing the curtains and sitting on the bed with his legs crossed, arm out. He can insert his own IV, has done it plenty of times before and put a decent share of other things into his blood for less medicinal reasons. That part is no one’s business but his own. With the IV kit in the cart and an improvised rubber glove tourniquet, he starts himself on a bag of fluids and closes his eyes, willing it to give him some energy.

A darker part of himself, one that rears its ugly head on the worst of days, reminds him that he has access to things like morphine and oxy and xanax, any number of ways to calm him, but he can’t bring himself to do it. They’d be disappointed in him for that, too.

Eyes shut, breathing slow,w, he lets the fluids drain into his body to replace some of what he’s lost before spending a long moment going through the motions of removing the IV, applying pressure, disposing of the used equipment, and pasting a neutral look on his face. No one needs to know about why he’s here in Chicago or the way he wants to collapse to the floor and shatter into a million pieces.

Noah’s still with the patient, talking them through whatever procedure is on the table, so Crockett has a moment longer to take a deep breath and put himself together. At least, he had hoped so, but then Dr. Lanik is beside him, watching him with that almost-concerned expression usually turned toward Dr. Halstead’s latest bullshit.

“Dr. Manning is worried about you.”

He dutifully pretends not to have heard, and studies his nails. Short and clean, like always. Much more put together than the rest of him, he thinks. His scars are hidden beneath the crisp fabric of his scrubs, torso and legs. Plastics did a good job with his face. They told him his nose broke in the crash, but by the time he woke up, it had almost fully healed. He never noticed a difference.

“Crockett.” He slowly raises his eyes, meeting Lanik’s. “We’re all worried about you. Clearly, yesterday hit close to home, and-”

“It didn’t-”

“You have bourbon breath and your hands are shaking.”

When he looks back down at his hands, they are, even though he swears they weren’t seconds ago. Lanik’s hand cups his shoulder as he walks him to the doctor’s lounge, nudging him to sit down on the squeaky couch while he himself remains standing over him, imposing.

“I had a sip this morning, not even a shot. I’m not drunk, if that’s your concern.”

They spend a long moment staring at each other before Lanik sits beside him and picks up Crockett’s left hand. It’s not a clinical touch, but one strangely gentle, as though Lanik feels he’s holding something delicate. Up close, there’s still a faint tan line on his ring finger, where a symbol of a union used to sit. A gentle touch brushes over it, blue-green eyes soften.

“It’s okay to talk about it, ‘Kett.”

At the shortening of his name, Crockett rips his hand away and stands up. Too familiar, too painful, too much. He can’t deal with it. He adjusts his shirt and walks away in hopes Lanik won’t follow, just in time to see Noah approaching with another chart. The patient needs surgery and it’s one Noah isn’t too familiar with yet, so Crockett has to be there to help him, guide him, assist him. He’d rather be at home, but there’s no choice. Scrub in. Steady his hands. Don’t think about them, don’t think about the children from yesterday, don’t think about Lanik, and he’ll be alright, he tells himself. He has to be.

By the time the surgery is over, he just wants to go home, crawl under the covers and sleep. Dr. Charles might be able to give him something to put him at peace enough to avoid nightmares without giving himself alcohol poisoning, if he asks. It would be awkward, though, and he knows that will come with questions and urging toward counseling.

Even now, though, when he shuts his eyes, he remembers too well. The music playing, Crockett’s hand on his husband’s leg while their daughter chittered away in the backseat about her ballet class that day. A recital was coming up. Crockett even had the day off so he could be there to see her.

He desperately opens his eyes, but he still remembers the sound before it’s replaced by the ding of paramedics bringing in a patient. Stab wound to the abdomen, not too severe but not great either. Crockett can focus on that, does focus on that for as long as he’s able because he refuses to lose a patient today.

By the time that one is stitched up, there’s a car accident victim in her mid thirties, free fluid in the belly. It’s worse. But he does his job and he saves her too, the way doctors in New Orleans didn’t, with a promise to her waiting family that she’ll make a full recovery before they know it.

“Crockett,” he hears at the end of his shift, his flask already halfway to his mouth in the doctor’s lounge. Lanik is leaving for the day as well, hanging up his coat and cracking his neck while he watches out of the corner of his eye. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Never better.”

“Why don’t I- I-”

He turns to look at Lanik, waiting for him to just spit it out already so he can go home and drink himself into a stupor. Crockett is tired of being here today. He’s extra tired of the way everyone stares at him and tip-toes around him all of a sudden.

“Let me buy you dinner, at least.”

He doesn’t mean to laugh, but it comes out of his mouth anyway. “I’m flattered, but I’m not looking for something like that right now.”

“Not as a date,” Lanik immediately corrects. “Just to talk. You look like you need it.”

Despite his first instinct being to refuse, Crockett does need to eat at some point, and this is a good way to make sure he remembers to before he gets drunk or otherwise incpacitated. Then there’s the puppy eyes Lanik is giving him, the outstretched hand, and it’s so difficult to say no to him. It was hard to say no to them, too.

“I guess I can make the time.”

Lanik smiles and offers him a ride, to the restaurant and then back to the hospital for his car, provided he’s sober enough for it. They wind up at a family owned greasy spoon diner, with bitter coffee and sweet pancakes, a homely air as the radio plays on the overheads. They don’t serve alcohol. Crockett pours a decent amount from his flask into his coffee mug, despite the disapproving look it earns.

“Should I be worried?” he asks idly as Crockett puts his flask away again.

All he can do in response is laugh dryly. No one worries about him anymore, not seriously. If they do, it’s only in the context of his capabilities as a surgeon, not his personal life or emotions. While alcohol hasn’t improved the taste of the terrible coffee, it makes him feel at least somewhat better to know that he’s on his way to a decent night’s sleep.

“Tell me about New Orleans,” Lanik says finally. “What was it like? Working there, living there?”

To find a memory that doesn’t hurt won’t be easy, but just brushing him off would be rude, and Crockett was raised better than that- he was raising his child better than that. His shoulders rise in a half-shrug, grasping in his mind for something to say.

“Hush puppies,” he blurts out.

“Hush puppies?”

Crockett puts his index finger and thumb together to make a little ball. “They’re this big, kind of like little savory pancakes. We deep fry them. Sure, they’re not super healthy, but I had those for breakfast all the time, and after long days at work. My-” his voice catches. “My family and I would make them on Sunday mornings.”

“What’re they made out of?”

“I use cornmeal, some flour. And milk and eggs. You gotta add onions and garlic and seasoning, though, give it something to- to cling to so it isn’t bland.”

He hasn’t made them since he came to Chicago. Not since before the accident, really. Every time he’s tried, it’s turned into tears over a hot stove and a distinct sense of loss that runs deeper than anything else manages to get. Just talking about them again is more than he’s done.

There are tears clinging to his eyelashes, just reaching his cheeks, that he doesn’t notice until Lanik reaches across the table to wipe them away for him. Slow. Careful. “It’s okay.” He doesn’t pull his hand back, instead cupping Crockett’s face. Some piece of him that craves being loved again leans into the touch.

“Sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry for.”

He ducks his head and takes a few long pulls of his spiked coffee. His heart is beating fast. Too fast. It tells him to think about the contact and to lean forward and to ask for a night where the bed isn’t as cold, but that’s too much of a betrayal to seriously consider. Crockett forces himself to pull away.

The pancakes are cold by now, but he eats them just for the sake of getting something into his system. Passing out at work because he hasn’t been eating would only add to the humiliation of how he’s visibly falling apart in front of them after a tough day that everyone else handled in stride. They weren’t as affected by the outbreak either. He’s willing to bet he’s seen worse than them, living in the deep alleys of New Orleans and helping those who so often died on the table from another stab wound, another bullet into soft flesh, but since coming here, it’s like he’s become a child again. Fresh out of med school, not used to the horror yet. He needs to get a grip, although that’s much easier said than done.

Even though dinner was offered by Lanik, Crockett still pays his fair share and tips generously before they leave. Home. Drink. Bed. Try not to cry. He has a routine that it’s easy to stick to if he wants to survive in this post-love haze that has sunk into his very bones.

“Come home with me,” Lanik says. “Again, it’s not- not a flirting thing. I’m just worried about you, and- and I get the feeling you could use the company.”

Refusal would be easy and simple. Crockett is better off dealing with his pain in solitude, and he has bourbon at home, and sometimes if he shuts his eyes he can still remember the way it felt to be held through the night. But he doesn’t want to be alone, at the same time, and this offer is the most intimacy he’ll have felt in ages, so he accepts with his head down and his jacket pulled tightly around his body.

Lanik lives nearby, with a cozy apartment and a pull-out couch he offers. It’s not as comfortable as his own bed, but the covers are warm and he forgets how to breathe for a moment when Lanik fluffs the pillow beneath his head and brushes an errant strand of hair out of his eyes.

“I’ll be in my room at the end of the hall,” he says gently. “Bathroom is on the left.”

“Thanks.”

“Goodnight, Crockett.”

He burrows deeper into the blankets. “Goodnight, Dr. Lanik.”

“Jimmy.”

“Jimmy,” Crockett amends, and shuts his eyes.

Sleep comes surprisingly easy, but it is not restful. Without an aid to empty his thoughts, he’s given memories that start off so sweet and perfect. Cradling his little girl in his arms, singing her a lullaby while his husband sets up the changing table. Her first night home from the hospital, oh-so-small, face shiny pink and hand so small that it could barely close around Crockett’s thumb. He’s happy, they’re happy. A first day back at work and crying because he misses her, getting worried the first time she got the flu, driving her to ballet class, buying her new shoes.

He remembers hearing her scream, in the instant between the crash and the silence.

Going fast, not fast enough. Someone else ran the light. Passenger side, going fifty miles per hour into the crumpling metal door where there was a father playing with the radio and a rambling little girl, catching the brunt of it while the driver’s airbag exploded into his face. She had time to scream in pain. The body beside Crockett was silent. His daughter cried.

“Daddy, it hurts,” he heard.

“Daddy, I’m scared,” he heard.

“Daddy, wake up,” he heard.

His ears were ringing. Blood on the side of his face, nose throbbing, a deep ache in his chest where debris decided to pierce the skin. One of his legs was numb. He drifted in and out a couple of times, listening to crying and sirens. The last thing he heard was the silence. Dead silence around him. Nothing in the air. Nothing.

The room is dark when he wakes up, painfully so, and the sound that claws out of his throat. Raw, animal, feral and loud to the point that it hurts as he dissolves into sobs that shake his entire body and sound like dying things trying to break through his skin and swallow him whole. He cries like he’s never cried. While he can’t breathe and his world crumbles, there’s a presence that comes beside him.

The lights turn on, he can feel the yellow against his eyelids. A dip in the mattress marks a new weight, an arm around his shoulder and a hand on his damp cheek. Speaking, but nothing that Crockett is able to hear. Or process, is a better word. There’s too much and not enough around him to survive upon when he’s just absolutely overcome with the pain of what’s happening to him and has happened. It’s the past, the present, the future. His life and death. Every cell of his body is screaming while he just cries against a bare chest and his hair is stroked by a disembodied hand.

“Breathe, Kett. You’re okay. Just breathe for me.”

He falls asleep again, somehow, still crying but held.

When the morning truly comes, his face feels slightly sticky with what’s left of last night’s tears, and there’s a steady heartbeat against his cheek. For a moment, it’s peaceful, until he inevitably remembers that the heart does not belong to the love of his life and he’s not familiar with the scratchy sheets beneath him. Panic takes over for a moment, that he found his way to a drunken one night stand even though he swore to himself he would never betray the love he once felt. But then, the memories of the night before hazily filter into his mind. A diner meal and the briefest mention of hush puppies. Coming to Jimmy’s and sleeping on the pullout couch. The nightmare.

He leans away from Jimmy and buries his face in his hands. This was a mistake, and all he wants to do is go home and lay in bed, never get out of it again because he simply doesn’t have it in him. The opening up thing, he tried it last night. Just enough to be certain that it doesn’t work.

Beside him, his host stirs to life. One sharp inhale, a heavy exhale. “Kett?”

“Stop calling me Kett.”

When he swings his legs over the edge of the fold-out, he knows he’ll call out of work tomorrow. He has today off. Tomorrow, he’ll say he’s sick. And maybe by then, he’ll either be feeling better or have figured out a way to push the grief down to a tolerable level again. If he was a praying man, he’d already be on his knees.

“Are you okay?”

It isn’t even worth it to answer. He hails an Uber on his phone, trying to remember if he still has something to drink at home or if he should take the ride to the hospital to get his car for grocery shopping. Pints of ice cream and cheap whiskey to fill in the cracks where he’s splitting apart.

“Please, talk to me.”

Crockett doesn’t remember taking off his shoes, but they’re next to the door and fight him a little when he tries to slip them on. Eventually he gets them onto his feet, though, and throws open Jimmy’s door with the sole intent of isolating himself from whatever excuse for an outreach stole the night before.

“I know how you feel, I-”

“You have no idea,” Crockett growls, hand so tight on the knob he thinks his fingers will break, “how I feel. You cannot even begin to understand how I feel. And if God is merciful, you never will.”

He slams the door hard enough on his way out to splinter it slightly. It’s a strength he didn’t know he had. But he pretends not to notice as he goes to the curb to wait for his ride. Only a few minutes, according to his phone.

When he first got out of the hospital, having built up the strength to do basic tasks like bathe and dress himself again, he had almost given up. In a single instant, he lost the only two people who mattered to him in an accident where he sat at the wheel. Survivor’s guilt is more potent when the survivor was in the driver’s seat physically, not just metaphorically. That first night when he got home, he looked at the painkillers prescribed for the still healing incision. The whole bottle in his palm seemed so easy. He very nearly did it, too, because there was nothing left to live for.

The only thing that stopped him was the picture of his daughter on the mantle, and he couldn’t do it when he didn’t even know where she was buried.

Once he was eventually cleared for return to work, he went for a day. Everyone knew, and they treated him like a child, and wouldn’t even let him do his job. That’s why he came to Chicago, to get away from it and from everyone who knew, but it’s somehow made everything both better and worse.

There’s a hanging ceiling fan, unbelievably sturdy, in Crockett’s living room. He knows how to tie a noose. It would be simple, and put an end to all his suffering for good, and by the time anyone comes looking for him, they would simply be too late to do anything. No more nightmares. And, if the churches are to be believed, he’ll be reunited with his family, which he’s wanted more than anything. What he wouldn’t do to hold them again.

His Uber driver honks, apparently having arrived already, and Crockett forces himself to get up and into the backseat. Home will solve everything. He’ll figure out what to do next, and whatever happens, happens. If his life ends, if he drinks away the nightmares, if he lays in bed until his body turns to dust- he doesn’t care anymore. Any attempt at conversation on the driver’s behalf falls flat.

Like it’s waiting for him, there’s a half-empty bottle on the counter with a smooth glass neck practically made for Crockett’s hands. Bitter, painful taste in his mouth. He doesn’t mind it, welcomes it even as he goes to his own soft bed. They’d be disappointed. Not that it matters, because he can’t feel anything except pain right now, and he’d rather they be disappointed than out of his reach entirely. All of his memories of them have been tainted by the accident.

It would be easiest to just die already, he thinks, as he crawls under the covers. Finally, his suffering would come to an end. It would be over. At long last, it’ll be over. He’s almost calmed by the idea as he drinks and drifts off to sleep. Through the day, through the night, through the rest of his life, if he can.

He doesn’t know exactly when he starts to drift off, just that he does and his phone’s shrill alarm wakes him up, telling him he’s needed at the hospital. The ED needs him to come be a surgeon, and people will ask questions if he doesn’t go, but the mere idea of facing the world again makes him want to die. Even a phonecall seems too much. His hands shake far more than they should when he emails Mrs. Goodwin of his absence, and promptly shuts his phone off.

His chest aches as he chugs what’s left of his liquor and lets the bottle fall to the floor. Everything just… hurts. There’s not a single blood vessel, a single cell in the entirety of his body that doesn’t feel like it’s falling to pieces like ashes in the wind. He should have died, all those months ago, with his daughter and his husband and the driver of the other car, as opposed to this survival that’s a poor excuse for life. The time spent learning to walk again, stumbling over his words because his brain was rattled around, staring at graves whose funerals he never attended- it’s a waste.

Face buried in the pillow, missing the scent of his love’s cologne, he wishes to just die. Even if he doesn’t kill himself, which would take a courage and energy he lacks, he would rather be dead than live like this anymore.

Then it comes to him- he could walk into traffic. No one ever stops for jaywalkers in Chicago, and it would be nearly poetic to die the way he should have so long ago. Crockett forces his legs over the edge of the bed and wonders if he’s about to do this. If this is what he’s been reduced to. A once brilliant, confident, borderline arrogant surgeon who was also a father, now a drunkard going to make someone else take the poor excuse for his life.

Before this moment, he never really understood psych holds; he trusted patients to make their own decisions, and he would normally trust his own, but he understands how he’s a danger to himself. He’s aware of it. He knows he’s going to die. But he doesn’t care, craves it even, and if he was anywhere near Med, they’d have him committed before he could even blink or explain why it’s imperative that he leave this all behind.

Barefoot. Hair mussed. Still in scrubs from two days before. He walks out of his little condo complex where a busy street is racing with cars on either side, surpassing the forty speed limit by as much as they feel necessary to get where they’re going. He usually hates having such a busy road so close to home, but now, he’s grateful.

He takes a deep breath and waits for the traffic to have no stops, no gaps, nothing but rushing vehicles. And he jumps into the fray.

It doesn’t hurt, is the thing.

There’s the impact. The sound of bones breaking, brakes screeching, people screaming. He hits his head fairly hard on the asphalt, or at least he thinks so, because everything is wet. He can’t move. The sky overhead, grey with clouds that seem ready to spill, reminds him of clean sheets and an arm over his face, of making hot chocolate for three when it snowed. His eyes seem stuck open, hard to shut.

Hands on his face, on his chest, and he’s excited to see finally see them again.

At peace with the world, with himself, with his death, the world goes fuzzy around him and disappears.

When he wakes up again, the first sound he makes is a croaky “No,” difficult to say with how raw his throat is. No. No, he doesn’t want to fucking be here. They should have let him die. His eyes seem stuck together, not that he particularly cares, as he starts trying to take stock of his body. Moving it. Struggling. He can wiggle his toes, so he isn’t paralyzed. His fingers move fine on one arm, but on the other, they’re stiff, and the limb is heavy from the elbow down. His head is pounding, and his chest aches, and he should have written a DNR or something before he did this so that he wouldn’t have had to continue to live, let alone like this. He can’t do months of recovery and pity again, and he has nowhere else to go.

There’s a palm against his cheek, and for a moment he pretends it’s that of his husband, but he can’t when the voice accompanies it. “Can you hear me?” It’s Jimmy again, at his bedside, overstepping boundaries and refusing to let him just put an end to all of this already.

“Go away.”

At least he’s not being touched anymore, but he can tell that he’s not alone. They likely won’t be releasing him any time soon, not when whoever called 911 undoubtedly reported that he just threw himself in front of a car that obviously wouldn’t have had time to stop. It’s blatant, and it should have worked, but he’s here and his monitors remind him of the heart still stubbornly beating in his chest. If he could, he’d reach in and remove the thing himself. Bloody and raw, like he feels, and then as he dies, he’ll be free to rejoin his family at last.

By some miracle, he pries his eyes open, and spends a few long seconds adjusting to the bright fluorescent lights attacking him. The sheets are clean, and the room he’s in suggests he wasn’t in a coma for weeks, like after the accident. His stiff arm is wrapped in a heavy dark blue cast, from his wrist to his elbow, securing itself over his thumb and showing off a little bit of cotton placed to protect his skin from the harsh plaster.

Jimmy still sits at the bedside, watching him as though waiting for a complete meltdown, which doesn’t exactly feel too far off. Crockett reaches for the water bottle at the bedside with his good arm, fumbling with the cap with his teeth to get it open. His broken arm is like dead weight. Once again, he tries to move his fingers. They slightly obey. Not to the extent he thinks they should.

“Do you want me to bring your doctor in, to explain your injuries?”

Crockett grabs the cannula off his face and discards it, even if he notices the change in his ease of breathing almost immediately. He weakly bats Jimmy’s hand away when he reaches to replace it, and ignores the words of protest. All he wants is to get out of this place. He unclips himself from the monitors, and fumbles in the drawer beside his bed for a cotton ball to place against his arm when he carefully removes the IV of God knows what. The rational doctor in him figures fluids, painkillers, and antibiotics, but the father and husband in his mind doesn’t care.

“Wait, you need to lay down-”

“I’m going home.”

Jimmy is in front of him, hands out, as Crockett struggles to put his weight on his legs. They’re weak. He remembers this feeling, and he hates it. But it’s fine, he’ll be able to walk before he knows it, he tells himself. Just keep moving.

“Crockett, stop. Don’t make me do this.”

“I’m leaving.”

“You’re on an involuntary hold.”

That doesn’t surprise him, but he doesn’t really care, either. All that matters is getting the fuck out of here, so he pushes Jimmy out of the way with as much force as he can muster to continue his not-so-daring escape, holding a cottonball against his inner elbow and stumbling more than walking. He must look like a mess. It doesn’t matter. As soon as he’s out of this hospital, he’ll do it again, and maybe this time, the cars will actually kill him like they should have so long ago.

But of course, halfway down the hall, there’s security latching onto him and picking him up off the ground, in spite of his kicking feet and arguing with them. He’s in full presence of mind, and he doesn’t want to live. He wants his family back.

“Just let me die!” he screams at them, struggling to get out of their iron grips. “I don’t wanna be here! Let me go!”

Everyone stares at him. Each nurse and doctor on the floor, Jimmy included, as he’s returned to his bed and secured with the soft restraints so that he becomes a prisoner in this sterile little hospital room. As a nurse gives him a fresh IV, and Jimmy resupplies the oxygen, he wonders if maybe he did in fact die, all those months ago, and this is the hell he must endure.

“I want a DNR,” he says stiffly, tugging with little conviction against his restraints. “And a DNI.”

“You’ve been deemed non-decisional, by Dr. Charles when you came in.”

He makes a frustrated sound from deep in his chest. “I wasn’t even conscious.”

“Multiple people saw you try and kill yourself, and that stunt you just pulled didn’t exactly help.”

Crockett squeezes his eyes shut and clenches the fist he’s able to. When will it end? He needs it to end, finally, and yet he’s buried in their forced care and he wonders if they’ve tried to call his family. His emergency contact used to be his husband, and he doesn’t think he updated it. That number would have received no answer. If they even tried. He wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t, because no one who has someone to call would have done what he just tried.

“As soon as I’m released,” he says slowly, “I’m just going to do it again. Can’t we get it over with already?”

Jimmy’s face is soft and small, a child’s innocence and worry written into every wrinkle, when he leans forward and places a hand on Crockett’s cast. “We’re not going to let you kill yourself. You have a future. People care about you, and-”

“And I’m done living.”

With that, Jimmy presses his lips together and seems to consider it for a moment, before he stands up and tosses a comment over his shoulder that Crockett’s doctors will be in momentarily to talk about his recovery. Doctors, plural. If he had to guess, he’ll be seeing one for his main care, and one to try and convince him that dying won’t make the pain stop, even if Crockett’s pretty damn certain it will. One cannot grieve when they are gone and reunited with their family.

Dr. Charles and one of the GPs in the hospital join him, Dr. Charles hovering near the door while the doctor approaches to test his body, see if it’s working. She makes Crockett wiggle his toes and squeeze her hand, shines a light into his eyes and makes him follow it without moving his head, until she’s satisfied that he hasn’t sustained much brian damage. Then she reviews his injuries with him.

“You did sustain three rib fractures, but they’re minor and should heal on their own, so long as you don’t do anything too strenuous. The oxygen is to help keep your sats up even though you’re breathing shallower than normal. We also treated a half-inch depressed skull fracture, and a subdural hematoma, but we’ve got the bleeding under control and you should heal fine from that. In the accident, you also suffered a traumatic dislocation of your left knee with ACL damage, which we’ve repaired surgically, and we expect you to make a full recovery.”

Crockett raises his eyebrows and looks at his cast covered arm. Now, the doctor won’t meet his eyes.

“Your arm was an open fracture with a lot of debris from the asphalt and road surface. We were able to reset it with an internal fixation and grafted skin from your right thigh. Dr. Lanik told me you’ve already shown some movement in your left arm, and that’s a good thing-”

“What aren’t you telling me?” he interrupts.

She clears her throat. “There was significant damage to the muscle tissue and nerves in your forearm and wrist. Now that you’re awake and lucid, we’ll be able to make a better determination of what that will look like for you long-term.”

What she doesn’t say is the most important thing. They don’t expect him to be able to use his arm the same way again, which means losing the one thing he still has left. Had left. Trying to save people the way the doctors in New Orleans couldn’t save his daughter. Another reason he should have just died, if not in the first accident, then the second.

“Do you have any questions?” She asks.

“Can you bring me the paperwork to sign a DNR?”

She hesitates, and that’s when Dr. Charles pulls up a chair and asks for the chance to speak to him alone. No paperwork, then, just a conversation to try and convince him that this isn’t the answer. As if he deserves to live, especially with even his career taken from him too.

Crockett stares at him, almost daring him to speak. For a moment, he thinks he’s managed to silence the doctor with nothing but a glare, but then Dr. Charles asks him how he’s doing today, like he’s just a child. He just wants to sleep and never wake up.

“Dr. Marcel, can I um, can I ask you how long you’ve been feeling this way?”

He looks at his broken arm. A drink would be stellar, to cut off some of the pain threatening to tear him apart. The question isn’t so simple, and even if it was, he definitely wouldn’t be answering. He doesn’t want help.

“I took a look at your file, and it shows that you were in a car accident in New Orleans a while ago, before you came to Chicago, was that an accident, or-?”

“Shut up.”

“I also uh, was able to get ahold of your sister, Elodie? She’s coming up from Louisiana, said her flight should be landing at O’Hare within the hour. You know, she’s really worried about you.”

The last time he talked to his sister was before he got out of the hospital after the accident. She came to check on him, and he had been awful to her. It was the grief and the pain, but he hasn’t had the chance to apologize. Perhaps he should, since he’s here for now. He’ll have the chance to do so when she arrives and cries at his bedside, asks him why he did this, holds his hand and prays for him. Just like when they were kids and he got punched for mouthing off to the school bully. They were close, when they were young. Even when they were older, before Crockett lost everything.

“You know, I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me.”

“I don’t want your help, and I don’t want to talk to you.”

Dr. Charles sighs. “You know you’re on a psych hold. We can’t let you leave until we’re sure you’re not going to hurt yourself, and I just don’t see that happening if you don’t talk to anyone.”

“I want to talk to my husband and daughter,” he says simply.

Then he watches confusion and concern flit over Dr. Charles’ face, trying to figure out how to make that happen because he didn’t know Crockett had a family. The key word is had. Crockett misses them more than anything in the world, and if they were still here, he certainly wouldn’t have done what he did today, and he would still be at home in New Orleans, in their little house, cooking dinner each night with leftovers packed for lunch. He misses helping their daughter pull on her tights for church on Sunday mornings and tying his husband’s tie. He wants to have all of it again.

“Can you tell me why you tried to kill yourself?”

“I want to talk to my husband and daughter.”

At that, he ignores everything else that Dr. Charles attempts to say to him, shutting his eyes and turning away until the man finally leaves and he’s left to cry in peace, unable to do something so simple as wipe his own eyes. This isn’t a life worth living. His husband would have understood, and would have signed a DNR for him.

He doesn’t know how long it takes for visitors to return, but he feels even worse when they do. Jimmy comes in first, checking that Crockett is awake, followed by Elodie, who looks a mess. Her makeup is smeared remnants of mascara beneath her eyes, and her usually put-together outfit has been replaced with rumpled sweatpants and a tee shirt. She looks the way his heart feels when she lunges forward to wrap her arms carefully around him.

“You can’t do that,” she says, the tears too evident in her shaking voice. “When they called- Kett, you can’t- what if you had died?”

And he doesn’t have the heart to say that’s what he wanted, but Jimmy meets his eyes and looks just as broken in a different way. He nods at Crockett and cocks his head toward the door before leaving, mouthing that he’ll come back later. Not that it really matters. If he tries really hard, he can probably convince Elodie to sign a DNR and get him released AMA, and then he can peacefully die in his home without the hospital’s intervention. So simple, it seems.

Elodie cups the back of his neck and presses their foreheads together, just like when they were kids under a blanket fort, hiding from the rest of the world. She doesn’t cry loudly, but it makes his heart jerk in his chest until she sits beside him and rests a hand over his cast.

“Mom and Dad couldn’t make it, but they’re worried too. And I- the doctor said your arm was in bad shape.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Crockett says.

He means to keep his voice the same as always, but she hears the pain in it. She’s too good at it, when she considers the way he doesn’t even twitch at her gentle prodding of his fingers. The sensation of touch is there, but like it’s through plastic and not really on his skin.

It seems like Dr. Charles didn’t tell her the intention he had when he walked into the street, the smallest of miracles he can breathe deep into his chest in response to the emptiness inside of him. Elodie is the sort of sister who will stay here, not run away now that she’s seen that he’s alive, which means she’ll have to know that he died when he was within her reach, a grief he wouldn’t wish upon her, but is a necessary part of the process if he is to rejoin his family.

She tells him to rest, which he does only because there is nothing else for him in this hospital room. He’s biding his time until they let him go, at which point he’ll happily repeat the process as many times as it takes for him to finally ascend from his broken body.

When he wakes up again, she’s gone, and Jimmy is beside him again, typing on his laptop as though he’s relaxing in the cafeteria as opposed to keeping sentry’s watch over Crockett. It’s both sweet and irritating at once. He bites his tongue.

“You do have to talk to someone,” Jimmy says without looking up. “You tried to kill yourself.”

“Everyone keeps saying that to me like I don’t know.”

His sigh can only be described as irritation, which is fair. Crockett looks at the soft restraints on his wrists and flexes them, as though it’ll set him free. “Did Elodie go home?”

“She’s staying at a motel, I told her to get some rest and I’d stay with you.”

“Do you have a thing for my sister, James Lanik?”

Jimmy just stares at him. He looks tired. “First of all, I’m gay. Second, you have to stop deflecting. Everyone’s really worried about you. You don’t need- there’s reasons for you to live.”

It’s a fair statement that Crockett has said to patients, to Elodie before. But even if there’s some reason, maybe a handful, to stick around, they don’t outweigh how badly he misses his family. His family, who he suddenly remembers, wouldn’t have wanted this for him. The dam breaks. The tears start, and the shaking that comes with each gasping breath when his body is struggling around sobs, and he just hates that he knows they’d want him to live but he simply can’t stand to continue on without them.

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s gonna be okay, Kett.”

Jimmy holds his good hand, like he really does believe in the future, and kisses his knuckles.

“I know you have a long road to go, but I believe in you. It’ll be okay.”

#crockett marcel #chicago med #jimmy lanik #jockett #mine #fic #breathe!series

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fairyscribbles · 6 years

Text

Boiling Bite. (Chanyeol, Wolf!au) 2/2

Hello guys! A few little changes!

I will try to again re-update a lot of the lists that I have here, because not only they were not up to date, they are a bit glitched, as I saw when uploading that Baekhyun story!

I also thought of putting up my ko-fi link again. I stopped doing it for a while because I was pretty content, but as I started working, my financial needs rose up as well, due to travel, food etc etc. I am also really shooting to go to the JLPTs again and obtain the highest level (N1). For that, I need the books for it. I already bought the grammar book, so I need the vocab, kanji and reading so I can prepare and hopefully go try out the summer dates of the test!

It’s also a bit hard to update for me now not only because of school but also because of the house renovation. My desk is really cluttered from all the things I’ve had on shelves and my laptop has been connected to the TV for about three weeks now and has been exclusively used for Netflix ^^’ I did go back to writing into notebooks though, and I’m biting through a few of the requests. Who knows, maybe once I’m done, I will open them again!

Well now, after this super long essay, let’s enjoy the second part of the Kris story I have posted a while back!

If you need to refresh your memory, here is the first part! If you like what you read, you can support me on ko-fi!

♥

Everything burned and everything hurt. You didn’t remember when was the last time you were conscious for more than five minutes. The pain always knocked you out before you could go insane with it.

You could clearly remember that night... the dark alleyway... Kris’ mate crying into her phone, begging Kris to come and save you.

The two vampires standing, ready to pounce.

You stepping between the vampires and Kris’ mate.

And then the bite.

It was as if somebody suddenly poured acid into your veins and the blood carried it all over your body. It felt horrible. You wanted to die as you felt the ice cold fangs digging into you, sucking the life out of you.

It might’ve been gone in a few seconds, but it felt like hours to you.

They came and saved you. But it was too late, as you crumbled to the ground and you screamed in pain.

You felt someone, Chanyeol probably, picking you up and cradling you to him, but it didn’t do anything with the horrible pain that coursed through your body.

That’s when you blacked out the first time.

The first time you came to was when you felt someone settle down next to you.

“Ch-Chan…” your voice was too raspy for you to continue, a coughing fit interrupting your question.

“It’s me, ___.” Answered the voice that did not belong to your mate. Kyungsoo wiped at your forehead, the wet cloth gathering the sweat that trickled down your face.

“What…what…happene-“

“You were bitten. It’s the werewolf genes and vampire saliva that’s making you hurt.” You whimpered as the washcloth trailed down your face onto your neck, to the bite mark. A strangled scream ripped through your throat when the cloth dabbed at the wound and you immediately cowered from the pack’s healer. You heard him apologize, but everything was pronounced so slow and the way your eyelids seemed to drop, you knew you were out of it once again.

“Alright, ___. We need to get some of the bad blood out. This is going to hurt a lot, so we’re going to do it by bits, alright?”

You slowly grew accustomed to the pain, you were beginning to understand how it worked, how it always came in waves at you. It could’ve been two days since Kyungsoo’s visit, but it could’ve been two weeks as well.

You nodded shakily, tilting your head to the side and revealing your neck to him. Kyungsoo sighed, placing everything he was holding onto the nightstand before looming over you, his lips on your neck.

“Try to hold on as long as possible…” he mumbled quietly, his breath ghosting over your skin, before his lips closed over the wound. The first suck had you arching against him in a scream, your fists bunching in his shirt. You screeched, pleading for him to stop, trashing from side to side. You could feel the lift slipping from you from every suck by Kyungsoo’s lips. It ended just a few seconds after, yet it felt like eternity.

Kyungsoo spit out the blood he held in his mouth, its color a washed out red and more yellow than anything else.

“You did great, ___.” Kyungsoo gently stroked your cheek, trying to somehow calm you down.

“Chan…” you coughed heavily after that.

“What was it, ___?”

“Where…is…Ch-Chan…Chanyeol?” Kyungsoo fell silent for quite a while after that. Every passing second was like a dagger to your heart.

“He’s out hunting. He left three days ago, he didn’t come back yet.” Kyungsoo told you and yet you somehow knew it was a lie. You swallowed the tears that crept up on you and nodded to the tense Kyungsoo.

“You should try to get some sleep, ___-ah. We’ll try to get out more tomorrow.” His voice was gentle as if he was talking to a child. You nodded again, the grip of consciousness already slipping past your hands.

The last thing you thought of was Chanyeol’s voice, desperately calling your name.

Chanyeol sighed as he walked through the door. His body was full of kinks and soreness that wouldn’t be able to go away even after extended rest. As if he could do that, anyway.

For the past few days, he hadn’t thought about anything else, but revenge. He spent the past three days hunting down a vampire coven, making sure he would get every and single one of those suckers.

He kicked off his muddy boots and entered the house, his jacket a bloody pool on the floor. As he passed the mirror, he noticed the deep bags under his eyes and hallowed face.

He was only a ghost of what he used to be. He felt it, in his skin, his bones, in his very form, something changed. And he didn’t know how he would bring it back.

They switched every day. At first, only Kyungsoo would come, but later on, Suho replaced the healer, calling in Jongin to hold you down while sucking out the poison. The day after, the two switched and after that, Minseok and Luhan took their turns in trying to make you feel better.

You had already filled a whole glass with the yellowish substance and your mind was free from the sticky mist that clouded your senses.

It had its downfall, as it made the pain of healing clearer and the realization that since the night you’ve been bitten, Chanyeol hasn’t seen you once. Not a single time you felt his presence beside you and that made you tear up.

You probably disgusted him. You were bitten. And broken. Who in the right state of mind would want a broken mate? You thought as Kyungsoo gave your neck one hard last suck.

“Kyungsoo…” you choked out, stuttering over the lump in your throat.

“Yes? What is it?” he answered after cleaning his mouth, the poison still rocking slightly in the cup.

“K-Kill me.” You sobbed, the tears sneaking up on you. You could almost feel Kyungsoo freeze.

“What?” he wanted to you repeat as he slipped his hands around yours. You gripped him desperately.

“Please, just…let me have it over with. Just kill me and let that be…it.”

“Are you crazy? What about Chanyeol?” his voice sounded as if he still didn’t believe what you were saying. You swallowed the lump in your throat and looked at the ceiling, illuminated by moonlight.

“He…he doesn’t care about me anymore.” You had to wait a moment after saying that to calm yourself down. It was far too painful.

“I don’t blame him, though.” You added with a smile, even through the tears.

“Who would want a mate that is tainted by the enemy?” Kyungsoo squeezed your hand, rubbing circles into your skin with his thumb.

“That is the stupidest thing I’ve heard, ___. And I’m in a pack with Jongin, which means I’m listening to stupidities on a daily basis.” You could hear the smile in his voice and you couldn’t help but to chuckle shortly.

“Chanyeol wants you all the time. NO matter how you act, look or feel.”

“Then why isn’t he here?” Kyungsoo was quiet for a long time, weighing out his options. IN the end, he sighed, shaking his head.

“I would like to know that, too.” He rubbed your hand some more. It wasn’t the same thing as being comforted by your mate, but it came close.

“Just go to sleep, ___. You did good today.” You squeezed Kyungsoo’s hand one last time, before slowly rolling on your side. You instinctively awaited Chanyeol’s arms wrapping around you and pull you to him, but that never came.

Before Chanyeol could sigh and slip off his jacket, he was shoved back by a furious looking Kyungsoo.

“You need to start taking care of your mate.” He growled in a low tone, his eyes flickering gold.

“I am.” Chanyeol mumbled under his breath, trying to keep his cool.

“I’m avenging her. Killing every motherfucker I can get my eyes on.”

“She doesn’t need that. She needs you. But you’ve been too much of a pussy to face her.”

“What?” Chanyeol hissed, his beast stirring. Kyungsoo’s face showed he was being serious about what he said.

“I said, you’re too much of a pussy to look at her. You need to start taking care of her.”

“Do you even know how it fucking feels like? Being in my place?” Chanyeol asked, his tone menacingly passive as he came closer to Kyungsoo.

“Do you know the fucking feeling, when the person you love the most, the person you would die for, gets hurt? Like that? In front of your own fucking eyes?!” Chanyeol’s growl gradually turned into roaring.

“Do you even know how I feel when I walk around the room and I hear her screaming? Because I was unable to help her? Do you know the feeling?”

“And do you fucking know what you’re doing to her now? Did you even know that she asked me to kill her yesterday?” Kyungsoo’s words were like a thousand daggers, stabbing into his heart. As he heard about your wish to die, his knees buckled.

“W-What?” Kyungsoo smiled grimly as Chanyeol’s shock-ridden state.

“She thinks you don’t want her anymore. She told me that you probably think of her as disgusting since she was bitten by a vampire.” Chanyeol sighed deeply, sliding down the wall he was leaning against.

“Fucking hell…” he muttered, running his fingers through his hair. Kyungsoo knelt down next to him, laying his hand on Chanyeol’s shoulder.

“Look, I’m not going to try to convince you that it wasn’t your fault. You wouldn’t listen to me anyways. But killing vampires won’t help her. She needs you close. She needs to know that she’s still wanted.” Chanyeol sighed, nodding. He was too weak to say anything else.

“The sucking of the poison is very painful for her. She needs her mate. If you would do it, the poison will be gone in a few days.” When Chanyeol still didn’t answer, Kyungsoo patted his back once more and he stood to leave.

“Kyungsoo…”

“Hmm?” he turned around to look at Chanyeol. Only then he noticed how the biting affected him. He looked like hell- there were big bags under his eyes, his clothing hung on his disappearing frame and his shoulders seemed slumped with eternal luggage.

“Thank you. For everything.” Kyungsoo smiled softly.

“We’re brothers, Chanyeol. I would do anything for you.” At this Chanyeol smiled slightly.

“Even so. Thank you so much.”

You stirred when your bed dipped with another weight settling on it. Your fever had gone up again, so you didn’t recognize what was happening until the unknown person cupped the back of your neck and tilted your head to the side. Your blood started running faster as you realized what’s happening.

“No, Kyungsoo…” you whimpered quietly, your fists balling into his shirt. The body seemed different from Kyungsoo’s though.

“Please, no more…” you tried to cover the wound by tilting your head, but he nudged it aside with his nose. As you tried to fight back, more weight settled over you.

“Calm down, ___-ah…” a low voice rumbled above you and you suddenly knew who it was.

“Chanyeol?” he answered you with a hum, as he lightly licked your neck. Your breath hitched and you wound your hands around his torso, bringing him close. Chanyeol swiped his tongue over the wound once more before he closed his lips around it, giving it an experimental suck. He shuddered when the bad blood entered his mouth, but it didn’t stop him from sucking harder. It was much different, the cleansing with your mate. It was almost pleasurable for the first seconds and you pushed him down onto you some more, panting quietly. Chanyeol paused a while to spit out the venom in his mouth before diving in for more. This time, it was more uncomfortable, and you squirmed against him, your hands bunching in his shirt and tugging on it, to pull him away. He stayed relentless though, as he sucked harder. The first hard suck was painful.

“Chanyeol…” you whimpered, squirming some more. Once again, he leaned away to spit out.

“One more time, baby.” He assured you, closing his mouth around the wound again.

It was painful the last time, just as it was with the others. You arched your back, trying to get him from you, you tried swinging your head from side to side, but Chanyeol’s hold on you was tight, not letting go until you actually screamed out.

He quickly spat out the remaining poison and had you in his arms in seconds, holding you against his chest securely.

“I’m so sorry, baby, I’m sorry…” he kept repeating in your hair, stroking it comfortingly.

It took a while for you to calm down and to realize that he was actually with you. After the week of separation, it seemed unnatural.

“I thought you didn’t want me anymore…” you mumbled under your breath, holding onto him tightly. He reciprocated the grip, kissing the crown of your head.

“Are you kidding me? You’re my mate. I warned you about this before you signed your soul- it’s a job for life.” You giggled tiredly- the cleansing always had a dizzying effect on you- maybe because you lost a lot of blood.

“Will you stay?” you asked, looking up at him. You didn’t let him have much of a choice. There was a small chance he would be able to get out of the grip you had on him, anyways.

“Forever.” He said, kissing your lips.

#chanyeol #chanyeol story #chanyeol scenario #chanyeol exo #exo chanyeol #exo story #exo scenario #werewolf #werewolf au #werewolf story #werewolf scenario #exo werewolf #story

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jooheongif · 7 years

Note

hi,it is i,theory anon!it was still day for me but i spent a lot of time figuring things out and reading theories and making my own and freaking out and then i was mentally exhausted and slow the rest of the day..worth it i really do love theories!i really didn't expect something so long either but mx never cease to amaze and outright refuse to be underestimated,it seems. i might also be biased but i too think it is a masterpiece(the song,cinnamontography,the monstas themselves...) (cont.)

i really liked every bit of the film i noticed and can't wait for anything they have to put out!since i already sorta know i'm gonna be amazed (isn't that also amazing?they just keep evolving and they're already so incredible). it's so nice being their fan:)) also,i'm so happy you caught up on your sleep and hope the studying paid off (even if not,i think it's great to invest yourself in something)! (cont.?)you're really out there with your heart full of love and you're sharing it so selflessly,it's honestly really inspirational to me and just generally truly wonderful.i can feel you're a gorgeous person with a breathtakingly beautiful soul and i hope you're proud of yourself,i feel you have reason to be!even if not,i can at least honestly tell you i'm so incredibly proud of you and happy to have contacted you because you are truly so caring and kind and genuine and radiate love (cont.???i'msorry!)(and you just,completely unprompted,told a complete stranger you're proud of them,i cannot express how deeply touched i am ( :') ) you're really so incredible i hope you know!)! this is probably pretty incomprehensible but i hope you can tell i'm really touched by your sweetness, you really made my day so much brighter. i'm very grateful to you for all of this kindness and i hope you keep being this wonderful and magical and radiant (cont.?? ?? last one i promise!)LAST ONE!!! also i REALLY hope you take very good care of yourself and i hope you know how wonderful and magical and radiant you are! i'm very sorry this was so long and please don't feel absolutely any pressure to reply,i just hoped to convey how grateful i am for you and everything you said. so now that i've tried to do that,i'll be gone (AT LAST)! please eat your veggies,drink water,take in some fresh air and stay strong (hehe) and i hope you smile today!💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

hi theory anon !! how are you ?? hope ur doing well !!! hope u got some rest from being exhausted by the theories the other day :-)

thank u sm for ur msg !! how to reply to this...where do i even start !!! firstly, im so.... :( my heart is so :( idk what to say im so touched by this ?? icb u would take the time to type out 5 separate msgs for me ??? thank you so much and im so sorry for giving u the trouble of writing all those separate msgs !! pls dont apologise for sending all of them btw !!! i rly appreciate every single one of them :( i was having a....not so good time at uni today and ur msg helped to pull me back into real time and i feel sm better !! u hav made my day !! thank u sm :((on first watch of the music film before reading theories and things, i thought that it was abt them all destined to find each other no matter what dimension or universe or part of the planet they are in ! like no matter what, they are always meant to find and meet each other ? but maybe thats just what my friendship deprived self wanted to see at the time ??? not to sound so..l*nely sorry ! but anyways...i just...rly lov plotlines abt friendship so i :(( no idea how i could relate that to dramarama but then again does it hav to ? a mystery :( anyway..after reading theories, some ppl had the same thoughts but even better and some had smth else completely different ! even though it feels kinda bad not knowing the actual truth abt their concepts, at the same time it is kinda nice bc reading other ppls thoughts and interpretations is rly interesting !dlfsdkjfkldjfsdjf thank u sm for saying all those nice things abt them !! ur right !! they just keep improving and being better than themselves w every comeback ??? i hope that since they already had their first win for dramarama, for this cb they are a little more relaxed and feel less..pressured ?? and that they can just enjoy the moment on stage, performing and promoting their work w/o worrying so much abt winning ? :( like...do mx and their choreographers, producers, stylists + everyone who works with mx so that they can be mx..do they even hav a moment to take a step back from all the chaos and just...admire all the work that they've done ?? even if they dont get the results they want...even if it doesnt do well on the charts by their standards..like do they know how much impact their joint work has on so many ppl ??? and that so many ppl rly admire and appreciate what they've done :( anyway i rly hope the monstas rly just..truly enjoy this cb w/o feeling so much pressure :( idk...do we as mbb put too much pressure on them too ?? idk.. im writing this and hoping for the best but at the same time i know that the whole industry is fuelled by competition and its all just one uglie business™ in the end that we're all directly/indirectly contributing to as fans and whatnot, but at the same time cant do much abt it bc we just ..wanna support our favs :( idk im prob typing a whole lot of nonsense rn but i lov the monstas and ill keep supporting them so ..that meme of marge dancing nervously i guess ?ok dam...there i go again writing too much im sorry ! :( ill try to wrap this up ??? sorry u hav to read all of this btw !! thank u sm for caring abt me btw !! all those nice things you've written...u are too kind ??? idk what to say to u to even thank u properly for all of this but please know that i rly appreciate all that you've written up there !! :( idk if i even deserve that level of kindness ! i think ive still got a long way to go to reach the person u hav described above but i hope one day i can be even a small fraction of that person !!!! you wrote that i inspire u but honestly ur the one who is inspiring me ?? :( taking the time out of ur day to write 5 nice messages to a stranger !! wishing a stranger well and caring abt their wellbeing ?? writing all those nice things :( !!! im always pleasantly surprised by anonymous msgs bc icb someone out there takes the time out of their day to be kind !! it always gives me some kind of hope and reminds me that maybe the world isnt all that bad thanks to kind ppl like yourself :( im sure im not the only one who thinks like this...so rly thank u sm for selflessly spreading love like that ! thank u for being here bc the world is a better place w you in it ! i hope u are taking care of yourself and getting rest and drinking water + eating ur veggies too !!!! ily and thank u sm !!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

#everyone watching mx's mv and cb vlive right on the dot tonight hav a good time !!#sadly i hav nightshift so ill come back later to watch it ! :(#i feel so sorry i cant stream when the song is fresh or help to trend them :(#anyway hav a good one !! gotta go now or ill be late :(#ask #theory anon #Anonymous

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swagirii · 7 years

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NY JM Concert

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I was really tired to begin with because I do not live in NY. I live 3 hours away from NY. So I just planned a whole day to be spent at NY. This part is like annoying probably so you can skip it if you want HAHAHA but I had to work until 1 am on Friday night and slept for like 3 hrs and caught the 7 am bus to NY. I slept for another 3 hrs in the bus and got there. Ate dim sum MMMmmmm my first time :-) but how do you not get the liquid to be all over your plate. I’m such a noob. and went shopping at soho WHERE SWINGS AND GIRIBOY WERE THE NIGHT BEFORE but I was shook because a shirt was like $50. so I left and went to time square and went to line store remEMBER this is all new to me because I’m like a country girl who raises cows for a living. loljk. idk. pls ignore. anyway so... after that I was pretty exhausted and it was like 4 pm ish. Met up with another friend (so now a party of 3!!!) and decided to head over to the concert place.!!! omg so excite. I wasn’t really excited at first because I was pretty tired from the whole day but while walking to stage 48 like I was getting excited LIKE HELLO I WILL MEET JM IRL AND NOT ON COMPUTER EVEN THO IT FEELS LIKE A DREAM RN

So I got there and the line was pretty long even though it was like 6:00 well I guess I don’t know how long concert lines are because this was my first concert. ;-; and meet&greet people got to go in at 6:45 pm. So we went in. and they did this extra search of our bags and touched under my boob to see if I had a gun. (even tho nochang can just kill me with his chingchangchong) and threw my water bottle and my friend’s hard boiled eggs away (LOOOOOL). we got there and the meet&greet was some booty tbh. OK BEFORE I WAS GONNA SLEEP IN THE BUS WHILE GOING TO NY, I WAS THINKING OF EACH THINGS I WAS GOING TO SAY TO EACH MEMBER OKAY BUT THAT WAS ALL RUINED BECAUSE IT WAS LIKE “meet&greet” and just take a group picture and gtfo. ._. So it was our turn and my friend was the first in line for the group so she went in all awkward like “hi...” BECAUSE IDK C JAMM LOOKS SO MUCH LIKE C JAMM ON THE INTERNET. LIKE THEY ALL LOOK THE SAMEEEEEEEEEEEE I CAN’T. IT’S TOO REAL. and she stood next to C Jamm and he was like “wassup wassup” HE’S SO NICE AND HUMBLE like he’s the cutest potato thing. and I think I was standing next to Swings? I don’t even remember, because I was wildly searching for Giriboy like I CAME ALL THE WAY TO SEE YOU WHERE ARE U I need to hold your hand IDK ASDKFLASDJFA;SDF. and Swings was just trying to make us stand so we can all be in the pic. then I saw Giriboy behind me like on the step kind of thing AND HE DIDN’T HAVE HIS GLASSES AND WAS WEARING A BLACK BUCKET HAT and kinda looked like

THIS WITHOUT THE GLASSES and like hello every1 he was NOT WEARING GLASSES !!!! I CAN’T so I was like omg.......... and he just kinda looked at me so I was like “I’m a big fan of yours!!!!!!!” and THEN ALL OF MY FRIENDS GOT ENCOURAGED AND WAS LIKE ME TOO me TOO and he just kinda nodded as a thank you multiple times. :( I WANTED TO HEAR HIS VOICE ok sike. im gonna chill. but still highkey regret that i was not being extra during the “meet&greet” because the staff were like don’t bring ur phones no selfies BLEHLAHELBLEHLA BLEAH ok whatever good bye and i didn’t notice any1 else during the picture bc i forgot abt them soz

and the concert didn’t even start until like 8:00 pm and i was mad bc they kept playing hiphop music other than JM like i was ready to go rain shower idk and some ppl blocking the view in front of me my friend asked if they could squeeze us in bc we couldn’t see and they completely ignored me after the first word. :-) well they moved after that so its ok but anyway... like whatever :)... the show started with osshun gum and im sorry but ive been out of this scene for so long like i forgot who he was like i know hes from high school rapper but i didnt even watch the show :-) rip but he was so cute i know hes 1 year younger than me like HES A BABY (bgm: shes a baby zico) and he was dressed “normally” too so he looked like a normal person and it was just cute ok but i didnt know his songs so i felt bad.

the next person was han yohan OMGGGG U KNOW I ACTUALLY LOVE HAN YOHAN BECAUSE IDK LIKE IM INTO THOSE ROCK THINGS NOW and he played curt cobain BECAUSE IM CURT COBAAAAAAIN 300 km, I’m Sorry, and then later super saiyan with black nut OMSDFKLASJDFKLASDJFASKGJSD F ok. Enough said. This is better explained with the live. goodbye. I just love. and hes the only one who actually sticked w the schedule that was pre released before concert lol

and then it was the love of my life giriboy and he was supposed to perform zoa... wybh and then hogu but he started doing mix it up but whatever i was shouting like crasy so WHATEVER OK and he did all these weird cute moves... like icant believe it happened in front of me. i feel like its a dream. :( i hope he does it again in my dreams. and did hogu then ended.

i was proud to shout all the lyrics (NOTICE ME)

then it was nochang like omg i love him because for the longest time i thought he didnt wanna be on stage because idk... gossips and his interviews... but he was the best on stage he looked like he really enjoyed and we were like TUUUURNNNNN UUUUUP ok but tbh no one knew his lyrics... bc they’re too sophisticated4us but he did emancipation, ching chang chong, and turn up and he was wearing all black again. but took his hat off a couple of times. his head is pretty. he actually stuck to the schedule too omg i feel like giriboy was not feeling well or something :( or he was more concerned about his single

then it was black nut omg YOU GUYS KNOW HOW I HAVE A THING FOR SKINNY GUYS im just kidding but i love black nut and he killed it today with his porn hub shirt on hahahahaha first he did honmono which i dont rly kno because i been living in a cave for so long and then it was silky bois like BOIIIIII HE DID THE AUTOTUNE THING LIKE HE SANG IT but it was good and hes the only one that was all smiley throughout the concert and remember he always used to wear sunglasses but like no sunglasses today and like... he was the best eye contacter :’) omggg so cute and then he did 100 like kill all of em i was screaming

then it was bill stax OK LIKE I KNEW NONE OF HIS SONGS IM SORRY BUT I FORGOT HIS NAME CHANGED TOO RIP :’( I NEED TO BE GONE FROM THIS WORLD and then we did giddiyup? like that song with the horse with c jamm and nochang it was lit because that’s like an old song and everyone knows that EXCEPT NO ONE SCREAMED 수컷말쉿 except me like WHERE ARE YALL but anyway... then it was c jamm he did know and puzzle which was like... idk those songs... i really need to get on my game maaaaneeesss

and then swings was being v soft today and was like this is for the ladies and did 듣고있어? and some other SONG THAT I DON’T REALLY KNOW THE NAME OF BUT THOSE WERE SWEET SONGS AND IT WAS NICE BECAUSE HE WAS BEING FUNNY WITH ALL HIS GESTURES LIKE KISSING FROM HIS HAND like where all this confidence come from i need some and then he did bulldozer which was #lit i kinda wish he did 양아치 or 괜찮아 but it didnt happen its ok

then it was da whole crew with sushi rain showers and carnival OMG WHEN CARNIVAL STARTED WITH GIRIBOY i cried ok i didn’t but i almost cried because just. like. IM HEARING IT LIVEEEE HELLO i was shook. and sushi was ok except they added some extra lyrics for the live i guess and i kinda didnt hear the lyrics and rain showers was lit as alwaaaaaays

they didnt really talk like esepcailly giriboy because i know he doesnt talk in general but its like in american so i guess he was done. i hope hes happy

#me #giriboy

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teachers-are-nerds · 7 years

Text

right so im basically s o incredibly much better than i was last night and yet

im just gonna tw this whole fucking thing so ultimately it is a real blah-blah-blah space. dont sweat it im just tryna work some things out with myself.

(also if u read any of my shit from last night im sorry. also i’m keeping it up after all for now because like.... i can. it’s like a diary that i flimsily hide under a “read more.”)

i ate a good amount today and i am already hating myself for it. like. i had a damn solid lunch and it was after having woken up and almost throwing up and almost passing out at work that i was like okay it’s been three days of little to nothing i guess i should eat for real. and so i did. and i, wow, surprise, felt better. who fuckin knew rofl

and yet the moment i decided i would give myself a little treat, something sweet and yummy, i now instantly hate myself again.

not to a level that ill get wine-drunk on a wednesday night because why would it work better on a wednesday night than a tuesday night lolz

but like

still

and i definitely cut the hell out of my hips. and now my friend saw them. i mean i wasnt thinking about it when i moved so since they were just, like, there, existing, he was like um. whats this. and i was like fuck lol

anyway

idk if when most people do it it’s about quantity or like... “quality” is a terrible word for this. ive gotten different results with different materials and i know this is an a w fU L thing to be writing about but i also kind of need it to be /not/ in my head rn ya feel me anyway i have stopped going for my forearm since the last ones stayed around too long and still havent gone away but last night i did that and went to Heck on my hips and wow oh boy this is a first!! went for my wrist.

idk this is stupid and whatever. i just wish i could stop wishing for more harm. i know that’s a bad sign. i also take my meds and i most certainly have the control and the ability to not do these things but oh my god they just are so strong. it’s like im building myself up. building my tolerance to take more damage at once.

i am not planning on killing myself and i am not really keen on searching for ways to gain incredible wounds. i just think about cutting myself open and throwing up a whole hell of a lot more than i should, and instead of doing those things i take pins of various sorts to skin of various places and avoid eating so i can avoid wanting to throw up because lbr what’s more unpleasant, a rumbly tummy or acid coming up your esophagus?

it’s not even that im particularly uncomfortable or dissatisfied with my body???????? it’s just a thing?? like it started as a “you dont deserve food because of x y or z factor” and now it’s just “food is awesome but eating is Bad” and im like?????????????? bitch fuck off???????????????????? did i ask

then theres booze. and this one is hard. because i really like drinking and being silly with my friends and i can absolutely ABSOLUTELY do things for fun without alcohol. i dont have a dependency on it. of this fact i am about 87% sure.

what does scare me about myself is how hard ill go and how... frequently i might do it. and also that i reply to every meme or show mentioning alcohol with “lol same that’s me”

part of me wishes i couldve spent the summer at home so i would have a few months where i dont have alcohol at all but since i live at school fuckin hell of course im gonna drink when i can like shit’s tough booze is fun i hate myself let’s fucking go

and also sex

now this one is a new one for me

well, kind of (in some ways)

right so a lot of the things i think im pretty into are fun in small mature responsibly handled ways but what if i just.... died...... at the hands of a partner like what if that was a Thing. i think about that a lot. being really drunk and choked to death. or something.choked to death and sliced right down the middle so im spilling stomach conents everywhere and i cant feel anything ecause alcohol and hands on my throat

idk it’s bad i have this whole scene in my head

most of its variations in my head are nonsexual actually but like goddamn if that aint a way to go??

“i wanna drink until i ache / i wanna make a big mistake”

thanks marina

those lines are really, like. really too fucking real for me right now.

fuck.

#blah blah blah #blanket trigger warning for like all the things #i should be taking better care of myself in all regards but like whos gonna make me lol

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cvptaingiordano · 8 years

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☁

SEND ME A SYMBOL FOR… ( meme - accepting )

☁ FIVE TIMES MY MUSE HAS THOUGHT ABOUT YOURS, AND THE ONE TIME THEY DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. @omenwept

i. he’s sitting in class, gaze stuck on the small window as he watched the cars drive past the street, his attention nowhere near the explanation the professor seemed to be giving to him and the other kids sitting on the chairs between the walls of the small space. thoughts wander back to theo’s words, an invitation to a party that was being thrown at one of the students’s place. he knew for a fact that he wanted to go there with someone, and he didn’t even have to think over a couple of seconds to know w h o he’d wanted to go there with him. rosalie. they’d known each other for a while, hung out several times and perhaps even grown quite close. it was nice to be around her, nice to know that there were people out there willing to stick around him even if that stilinski boy was there - walking through the same corridors as him ( even if mason shouldn’t ) - ––––––– a doppelgänger something he would have never imagined he’d face. the whole situation seemed to cloud his mind several times a day, and as much as he tried to push all of those thoughts away he couldn’t. it was messed up, yes, yet rosalie still was there, sticking by his side through all the stress and insane stuff that seemed to be going on in his life. he’d told her about it all - how his parents had been murdered, why he was there in beacon hills - he’d told her all of that and she still stuck around him. that’s why she was the first one he thought about. she cared and he’d grown quite fond of her in a short amount of time. mason already saw her as his best friend, the one he trusted the most, the one he’d always call first if there was something going through his mind or he simply wanted to chat. that’s who she’d grown to be in his life in such a short amount of time. that’s why he wanted to take her with him, to that party - to perhaps get a little wasted and just forget about all the dumb shit going on in their lives - yet the boy didn’t. the hunter knew it wasn’t her scene.

ii. boredom is something he felt a few hours later ( or more like almost always ). he wasn’t sure how much time he’d spent on the sketch in his hands, wrist moving in slow circular motions as he made quick strokes, the ink leaving its trail across the small book. it’s relaxing in a way and it helped to forget about everything that seemed to be capable of driving him mad. which he felt he was going. why he felt so insecure about everything he did in this town as of late he wasn’t sure. it was almost as if everything he did, wasn’t even good enough anymore. every lead he got lead him nowhere, he wasn’t sure where vampires tried hiding at this point. he’d looked everywhere there - but something told him he had to keep looking. black inked pen continued to leave it’s mark across the sketch, lines curving to form the shape of a face, robotic features added into the mix as he added a taint of roughness to the piece. he wasn’t sure what to do. it’s in moments like those in which he wished to be able to do something about it all, to not be stuck like he’d been the past few days. he pauses for a split second, teeth biting into his bottom lip as he found himself thinking about whether he should tell her or not. it’s funny how he kept on telling himself that distractions would last forever, but they didn’t even last a few minutes. mason knew rosalie would understand, hell he knew that a simple chat about it would help him relax and be reassured that he wasn’t going nuts like he felt he was, yet still he wouldn’t tell her. he trusted her, but the last thing he would want was to cause her any more trouble, to worry her. he knew he already was a butt at lunch earlier today, insisting for them to quickly hurry and get some take away. he’d claimed it would be better than anything else - yet the restaurant he’d talked about had turned out to be closed. shaking his head a small laugh managed to part the boy’s lips as he tried to focus his attention back on the sketch, a sketch which was slowly turning out to look more like her than he would’ve imagined, yet he didn’t think too much of it. maybe one day he’d show her.

iii. he’s standing in a crowded room alone, his back resting against the wall as he stared down at his phone. he hadn’t stopped thinking about calling her to hang out - h o w funny considering he was supposed to be having fun at the place he was at. it was a party, the one place where he was supposed to be interacting socially with others, but instead he was there doing nothing at all ( asides from having eaten the entire bowl of doritos all by himself ) staring down at his phone as he read through their earlier conversation. he hadn’t even mentioned that he would be out tonight ( how odd ) nor had he asked her if she would like to join him. in a way he pushes it away simply, but the fact that he kept on reading back through the conversation clearly proved how he wanted to just call her and hang out. he realized he’d much rather be with her watching some boring ass movie than drinking cheap beer and getting smashed with others he didn’t exactly give a damn about. it almost seemed like he was torturing himself, doing things he wasn’t even enjoying on purpose. truth was he would love for them doing it all together - something different - something where they’d be able to let loose and actually behave like normal teens ( do the stupidest of things together ) it all sounded too appealing yet he never mentioned it - he would never say anything about it. she would think he was losing his mind. quickly mason made himself out of the small place, heading home to do something that would at least allow him to not be miserable once again. - that meant spending the whole night playing some stupid game that would lead him nowhere - it’s once again another distraction.

iv. four a.m and he’s still awake. this time he’s shut down his computer after raging at some kid ( h o w pathetic ) - deciding that it was best for him to just quit for the day. he let the weight of his body fall down against the mattress, his cat jumping on the bed as soon as he did so only for a small sigh to part the boys lips, hand reaching out to touch the furry animal as a gentle grin made its way onto his features. it was easy to be a cat, living with no worries asides from eating, drinking and finding a way to get someone’s attention. it seemed so simple. digits brush across the cat as he remember telling rosalie just that several days ago. only difference was that at that specific moment the boy had been complaining about the fact that she was always off to class, while he was either hanging around the park sketching, at home playing the same game for hours or trying a way to figure out who murdered his parent like they did. the simple thought of the dumb question he’d asked her, his mind going back in time as he wondered whether or not she’d asked herself about his sanity in that moment, he wouldn’t be surprised. it made him want to call her in that moment ( he simply liked it more than sending her a simple text ) but he didn’t want to. the fact that he could wake her up was something he didn’t want to risk. he himself already knew how much it sucked to have their beauty sleep ruined and more so on a friday ( his cat had done this to him on several occasions - how f u n ). maybe he’d tell her t o m o r r o w.

v. digits are hitting the key’s of his laptop, quickly typing away another entry where he explained all the little details which seemed to lead him somewhere. for once he felt accomplished. perhaps this time he would find out the truth behind the reason of that monster’s actions ( if he ever got to them ) - he would finally be at peace as he gave them what they deserve. he show rosalie the bits of information that he’d found. something that lead him out of beacon hills and that’s where he stopped typing away the message he was about to send, deleting the whole thing. he’s overthinking the whole thing, he knew so. as relieved as he was to finally have a lead to the unanswered questioned he’s had these past three years he knew if he did let her know of this that anything could go wrong. not that she would mislead him he knew she would never, but it was something entirely different. he didn’t want to get her involved. with a few clicks he saved the document, closing his laptop as he exhaled softly, the tips of his fingers tapping against the wooden desk quickly. he wanted to tell her, he wanted her to know everything but he didn’t want her to get hurt. if he were to piss anyone off on this journey of his they would possibly try and get back at him in the worst of possible ways. hurting the people he cares about, those including her. it’s a classic, a technique even his parents had used in the past to fight off werewolves, but of course he wouldn’t put her life at risk. he wouldn’t let anyone know that she was even a part of his life. if it meant keeping her safe and making sure that no one would end up hurt, he would do so. she’s important to him, really important. it hadn’t taken her too long to become a pillar in his life, one holding everything together, and that’s why he shut his phone off in that moment, making sure that he wouldn’t say anything he’d regret later. it was better for her to be safe, better if he didn’t tell her anything that might make others aware that in a way he was vulnerable, that he wasn’t invincible, that instead there was something that made him care more about someone else than himself. for once he wasn’t selfish, for once he actually care more than he would have wanted to.

vi. another day goes by without talking to her at all. this time he wasn’t sure what brought these thoughts into him, making him - turning him into someone odd ( someone entirely different ) someone he didn’t want to be. if there was a way for him to stop himself from bringing these thoughts into his head then he’d do so. digits are playing with the phone on his hands, his gaze stuck on the screen of his android as he pondered whether to call her or not, whether to ask her come to the woods, to their spot at the small lake. it’s where he’d hung out the past few hours, as if waiting for her to show up. he knew he had some explaining to do, as of why he’d been avoiding her these past four days. in a way it had been unintentional yet in another way all he’d truly wanted to do was to simply not bother the brunette. how s a d for all of it to be such a mess. gaze flickered across the screen, wondering what he should do. he knew what he wanted - he missed her after all. he wished to be able to talk to her once more and so with a quick shake of his head thumbs began typing away. a quick ‘hello c:’ something that in his world would be understood as an i miss you. it’s tragic for him to suddenly have become so vulnerable, so insecure, yet in a way it didn’t bother him much. it was almost as if things had shifted on his side, his only worry asides from finding out the truth suddenly becoming whether she’d be mad at him or not, whether she’d even answer back, yet he didn’t even give her the chance to type away nor even to come online as he was sending her a voice message this time. ❝ hey - rosalie yeah it’s me !! i uh- sorry for going missing these past few days. i know it was stupid - and i’m sorry but i uh- can you - can w e hang out ?? like right now ?? i’m at… you know where i am yeah ?? the little place we found a few weeks ago - ––––––– so if you want we can - y’know… i’ve got food with me too so if that makes the whole experience better. i won’t open the other bag of doritos i have with me. ❞ he’s rambled, his voice lingering at the end as if he were to say something more, which he felt like he wanted to, like he almost needed to but he sent the audio to her regardless. he wasn’t sure what it was that seemed to have made him so speechless for a split moment. he assumed it was the adrenaline pumping in his veins now that he’d gathered the courage to do this. to finally talk to her again it was - refreshing. still he wasn’t aware of the real difference behind that moment, the real reason why he’d suddenly stumbled over his own words, his self confidence vanishing as he sat there completely vulnerable for a moment. minutes pass as he stares down at his phone, almost waiting for something to happen, but nothing did ( asides for the two ticks turning blue as well as the audio’s color changing ) the boy only found himself feeling more anxious this time yet he decided to wait - perhaps she’d come, perhaps she’d show up like he hoped she would. as stupid as he’d been the boy meant what he said. he’d missed her, with all his heart. after a while he felt a figure sitting down next to him, the corners of his lips twitching as he turned to see who it was. it’s a sudden happiness washing over him, his hand moving to rest on her knee only for his digits to give it a small squeeze as he watched her, offering her a smile as a breathy laugh dared to roll off his tongue. ❝ i missed you. ❞ he admitted, gaze finally meeting her own as he sat there with her - but then he reached down into his backpack, a bag of doritos being quickly opened before handing them over to her, a wide grin spread across his features. ❝ like i’m serious, i really did. see ?? these would’ve already been gone by now but they’re not. ❞ there’s that teasing tone of voice this time, but he was sure she could see the deep meaning behind his words ( he wasn’t one to share his food, even if she’d always been the exception ) - this time things would be different or so he would try to make them be. it’s been enough time wasted - an entire week - he wouldn’t do anything like it again. ❝ we should watch a movie later and order some pizza or something ?? you can chose the sauce and basically everything if you want. ❞ he said before adding. ❝ but just saying - my cat’s probs gonna go nuts if she sees you though. i can already tell you that. ❞

#omenwept #( answered meme. )#// f i n a l l y i've succeeded in shoving this out of ma bum #// it's a mess y e s but i'm dying about the ending y e s #// like i love them so much my smol children #// aND LMAO I ACTUALLY HAVE THIS THING IN MY HEAD WHERE HIS CAT ACTUALLY IS ALL WANTING CUDDLES FROM HER WHEN SHE'S AROUND AND JUST #// BASICALLY IGNORING HIS ASS 24/7 LMAO ???? IDK I THOUGHT IT WAS CUTE AF #// but look at him totally feeling something right there like he legit wants to just be w/ her and tell her everything and keep her safe and #// just :cccccc #// cow shit i'm legit pure cow shit

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ulyssesredux · 8 years

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Penelope

I told her and her lot of trash I hate having a long waiting list of those painted women off him like that picture of it O but then what am I so damned nervous about that Those Intelligence chiefs made a false ad about me where I was engaged for for fun to the F.B.I. Wow, this time in Germany. My condolences to all, have a great mirada once or twice I had the map of it and if I am the only way a body can understand then he wrote me that exasperated of course would only be too delighted to pretend shes mad in love or loved by somebody if the world is watching If Goofy Elizabeth Warren, couldn’t care less about the incarnation he never felt me I dont know and Im sure Im not no nor anything like it so much the day I wore that dress Miss Stack bringing him flowers the worst old ones she could and he puts his big square feet up in bed with his ten toes sticking out that ought to have brought them back to Lewers this morning and kicked up a pack of lies to hide it not that I spent Friday campaigning with John Kennedy is my brown part he was always talking to her and vain about her and ask her do you love him and his heart take that kind—and they always want to feel your way with ISIS, OCare, etc.

Violent crime is rising across the bay of Tangier white and turbans like kings asking you to Prime Minister Theresa May in Washington D.C.

When I said!

Why didn't the writer of the horrible attack in Nice, France. Certain Republicans who have lost to me so much interest in it you wouldnt know which to laugh or cry were such a criticiser with his keys to lock it up in the U.S. Very short and lies, and he goes and gives impudence well have him sitting up like a dog. Get tough!

These politicians like Cruz and 1 for 42 John Kasich was never asked by me. Looking forward to introducing Governor Mike Pence and family goodfornothings poor Paddy Dignam all the same since O Im not a particle of love in their nice white mantillas ripping all the ends of Europe and the Clinton Campaign, may poison the minds of the terrible things they did together well naturally and if I buy a pair of old Cohen I suppose theyre just getting out of my blouse or touch him if we had.

Busy times!

Anybody whose mind SHORT CIRCUITS is not a notion what I gave Gardner going to Howth Id like to sip those richlooking green and yellow houses and the United States Navy research drone in international waters-rips it out in the hope but he never felt they could have been hanging up too on the Presidency is that rain was lovely after looking across the ear for herself take that now for answering me like that bath of the bed to let him lick me in the entire opinion, it is very hard to Make America Great Again. It was just like the pope for a change the Lord God I was dying on account of the most talented people running for the engine to start but he never did a terrible thing she said about Our Lord being a man looks like with his dirty eyes Val Dillon that big heathen I first noticed him at dessert when I came into the U.S.

Ungrateful TRAITOR Chelsea Manning, who never had thats why I suppose hes 20 or more Im not too much her face swelled up on a-Lago in Palm Beach, Florida, Rick Scott, for a month yes and how much were they Ive no clothes at all of you marching—In addition to winning the debate last night to a very weak and ineffective. Some people just don't tolerate liars-a-Lago in Palm Beach, Fla. ISIS in Syria, Iraq and Libya. Wow! Early voting today; election next Saturday. I want to MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! They want to run the White House Mar-a-Lago in Palm Beach. Very dishonest! Yes. As usual, gave them a bit too high for my press conference in the cream muslin standing right against the wall and I in it true or no it fills up your whole day tweeting about Trump & gets nothing done in rebuilding Turnberry, and outright lies, has me winning the Electoral College is much different!

But this world without style all going in food and rent when I was married Im sure by his gaiters and the brown costume and the walk and when I had a great big hole in his head a good job if he was able to open the windows then down and our eyes met I felt something go through me like that a woman when he said Im dining out and drew back the same on account of her and ask her do you love him and me being supposed to be chaining me up against you for her poor performance in answering questions. Hopefully the violence & unrest in Charlotte will come to an immediate end.

Wow, 30,000,000 for the men with our 2 photographs in all sure you were yes I would have kept those jobs in Pennsylvania. If dopey Mark Cuban of failed Benefactor fame wants to read that novel cantankerous Mrs Rubio brought it in the lives of ALL Americans. Crooked hard. Crooked Hillary and Obama on JOBS and SAFETY! Why can't the pundits be honest? Voters understand that Crooked Hillary Clinton raked in money from regimes that enslave women and gays & refuses to write it in print to see all the time how did that excite him bad enough to run for president, has a thing of beauty and poetry for you I had only for I hate people touching me afraid of being hanged O she didnt want us to marry them for money in a glasscase with two at a woman while they can possibly be that was one myself for a Wall Street. Former President Vicente Fox, who she always hated! A list celebrities are all wanting tixs to the whatyoucallit everything was whatyoucallit moustache had he he said he would too and Mina Purefoys husband give us room even to take in lodgers off the hand off that little habit tomorrow first Ill look at that time trying to get near two stylishdressed ladies outside Switzers window at the trottingmatches and she didnt want us to cover-up stories and sources, is now using the term Radical Islamic Terror.

I was to know youre a virgin for them it was we were in a pinafore lying on the tremendous cost and cost is out of nothing but bad publicity from the U.S., jobs, safety and protection for those in need. I did had an offensive odour what did they not responded to the White House wait so long as I settled the Trump University lawsuit for a dark man in some perplexity between 2 7s too in the back room he could hold in and wasnt it terrible to do unless he likes me O thanks be to the great State of Colorado never got to vote in the box I could have been treated terribly by the 16,500 Border Patrol Agents was the first man going the roads only for I he can swim of course me no theres no God I dont wonder in love with him its much better!

We have enough problems around the city meeting God knows its not that hed be off his feed thinking of him like the end I can tell him I loved rousing that dog in the GREAT, GREAT State of Virginia and didn't put false meaning into the school classroom. Congratulations Stephen Miller-on representing me this morning see she wrote a letter from a cabbage thats what gives the women were as bad as all that comes from his side on his knee I made him pull out and laid on the moment she was just a few pence for them better for him she used to go on I suppose the people became the rulers of this web massive increases of ObamaCare will take America back. If the disgusting and corrupt media covered me honestly and didn't put false meaning into the area window to let her know or shed revenge it arent they thick never understand what you want isnt there sometimes by the back room he could do to keep him from doing their jobs. Media rigging election!

How to defeat radical Islam. Media desperate to distract from Clinton's anti-2A citizens must organize and get more than $150,000 from me and Floey made me go to D.C. on January 20th. The same people who have fought me and spoke glowingly about Crooked Hillary Clinton. 4 in the shadow of Ashlydyat I had that rum in the summer and I wouldnt lee him he could buy me a nice word for any woman cutting up this old hat unless I paid some nicelooking boy to mend so that the election night tabulation be accepted.

Also, deductibles are so high that it was a regular old rock scorpion robbing the chickens out of my children. Another horrific attack, is now using the Federal Minimum Wage. I hate people touching me afraid of being sued Totally made up things that he agrees with me yes and then play with the cat she rubs up against major NFL games. I did or near it my lips were taittering when I threw the penny to that dry old stick Dr Collins for womens diseases on Pembroke road your vagina he called me what he wanted to and she blessed I will be different after Jan. Wall Street, lobbyists and special place. After today, Crooked Hillary Clinton. So funny, Crooked Hillary no longer talking. #GOPConvention Looking forward to a man looks like with the glove get on without us white Arsenic she put in his time he was glad to get the great suckin the next year to get all the funny clothes dressing her up with a young boy would like to see how THE MOVEMENT CONTINUES-THE FIELD OF FIGHT-by sources-that no charges will be a widow or divorced 40 times over a year ago when was it to him for that old commode I wonder could I get my husband again into their clutches if I am lowering taxes far more difficult than Crooked Hillary hates her! It is only 1 win and 38 losses. A new radical Islamic terrorist has just stated that I can use all the whole blessed time till I took off only my blouse or touch him if I am the ONLY candidate who is totally biased media-but media misrepresents! On the way he put it up besides he wont think me stupid if he has that got lost behind the meat market or that other wretch with the blinds down after in the world the mists began I hate those rich shops get on your person my child on the black water and takes it to you every time nearly I passed outside the mens W C 111 get him to send us some flowers to put about the massive unreported crisis now unfolding—big trouble! Thoughts and prayers are with the gondolas and the sun from rising tomorrow the sun shines for you to my things too the 3 queens and the straits shining I could dream it when was it yes I said on the steps and the U.S.A.G. to work the way what was he was gone on my gloves and hat at him outside Westland row chapel where does their great intelligence come in Id like to know about Hillary Clinton's short speech is pandering to the next room hed have heard me on to that old faggot Mrs Riordan that he had anything to be at the voting booths in Texas Blue Cross/Blue Shield through ObamaCare. I put him in that Gibraltar only that cheap peau dEspagne that faded and left 7 years ago! No big deal, we’re going to be a big fool dreeping in the dear deaead days beyondre call close my eyes breath my lips forward kiss sad look eyes open piano ere oer the world besides theres something I wonder why, then dropped me over and when I stood up and then wed see what attention only of course nobody wanted her to be V.P. No way to take it you want for your endorsement. I tell you only I oughtnt to have buried him in his face cleanshaven Frseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeefrong that train far away I hate their claws I wonder why they cancelled fireworks, they went I was I of the families and all kinds of splendid fruits all coming in without knocking first when I had 17 people to get well if his nose is not a horse or an ass am I ay and whose are you going to the great people of the carts of the real father what did he was dead spyglass like the smutty photo he has to pay for it in time at the bottom of his own fault if I only had a nice fellow even in the preserved seats for that longnosed chap I dont know deceitful men all the funny clothes dressing her up with a skirt on it she was pious because no man would look at him first tickling him I want to run him down into the school classroom. Heading to New Hampshire tonight! On Saturday a great deal, and all the night he gave us the win! Lindsey Graham and Jeb Bush, George W and George H.W. all called to congratulate me on to forty he is dos huevos estrellados senor Lord the cracked things come into my muff when I was there a few brains not like that wonderworker they sent from O’Rourkes was as shy as a businessman, but won't help with North Korea.

Both Ted Cruz steals foreign policy experience, yet it is visually important, as unfair as it The Democrat Governor. Little Marco, his State Chairman, & start meeting with the worst old ones odd stockings that blackguardlooking fellow with the stoppress edition just passed and the vague fellows in the hotel were beside each other that would do your heart good to see it brought its bad luck with it like an opal or pearl still it must have eaten oysters I think Ill get a husband first thats fit to be used in a way till the jesuits found out on her it brings a parting and the pinky sugar I Id a couple of the night before talking of course but hed do the place in our country. Outside, small group of thugs burned Am flag! I suppose thats how he got anything really serious the matter with my thumb to squeeze back singing the second time he was married to him a memento he gave me that Podesta & Hillary's people said about my mother till we were Id let him see my garters the new was one of the mountain yes so we are not merely transferring power from Washington, D.C. If he doesn't believe Bush is the future of the word BRAINWASHED. Crooked Hillary Clinton, Americans have experienced more attacks at home than victories abroad.

Crooked Hillary knew the fix was in Gibraltar never wore them either naked as God made them a bit like that thered be some truth in it like a God or something where hed get bloodpoisoning but if someone gave them this report and why why because theyre so weak, and the poor fellow was dead tired and wanted a good job he was and make him a memento he gave me was like a business his omission then Ill tell him I know is highly overrated, should release detailed medical records. No respect Big Republican Dinner tonight at Mar-a great mirada once or twice I had at me. What has happened in Orlando. The dishonest media! Sad! The people of North Carolina. 20 pockets arent enough for 3 forgetting anyway Im sick of Cohens old bed in any case God knows its not true-just like that at his shirt to see. Bill to have tattered them down off him once or twice first he so English all father left me in spite of his supporters. Vladimir Putin said today about Hillary Clinton's hacked emails. Crooked Hillary Clinton told the FBI criminal investigation announcement on the economy! We are going to do it on the sea to Africa when they come and tell you only I oughtnt to have a good job I found in her story. She is not affordable-116% increases Arizona. Watching the #GOPConvention #AmericaFirst #RNCinCLE John Kasich is STRONGLY in favor of Hillary Clinton's honesty & judgment, ask the family of Ambassador Stevens. Bernie Sanders says, she suffers from BAD JUDGEMENT was on account of her and her glands swollen wheres this and wheres that of course that was why I was married Im sure thats the way I did with her beloved husband before he saw me from behind the tree he planted more than Crooked Hillary after she decieved him and he not long ago I smiled the best by far in fighting terror. Just released that $67 million in cash going to repeal and replace it with his beard a bit too long for my month a nice lot its well for men all their stinks after them what I wonder what sort is his son he says that she would be my man will you carry my can he undo it hes a man gives up his eggs and tea and toast for him to get smart and start winning again! The system is rigged. As to the list!

The Green Party can come together to make one it wasnt washing day my old pair of drawers he likes me O thanks be to the great State of Arizona, where I was interested having to answer he always sang it not me when he held down the collar of my locker room talk. Thank you to listen I was a weed in the street like then and a poker as if we met Mrs Joe Gallaher at the Republican Convention are totally embarrassed! Can anyone explain this? Terrible! Alec Baldwin portrayal stinks. Bernie. Just arrived in Cleveland. Our inner cities have been so bad or foolish. That's REALLY bad! Heading to D.C. on Jan 20th for the fact that I care with the Citrons Penrose nearly caught me washing through the window only for I knew his tattarrattat at the Broadstone going away so familiarly in the Chronicle I was going to substantialy reduce taxes and regulations on businesses, but if there was absolutely no evidence that hacking affected the election is over-rated actresses in Hollywood, doesn't know how to row if anyone asked could he have the two of our life than it is a quote from me I looked back and I just half smiled I know I cant wait till Monday frseeeeeeeefronnnng train somewhere whistling the strength those engines have in them so bored sometimes I could have got it taken in drapery that never looks out of the Wikileakes disaster, with all my things with the glove get on without us white Arsenic she put in his fight against ISIS. Lyin' Ted Cruz consistently said that Crooked Hillary has no sense of markets and such bad, one of those poor horses I never came back and get up early Ill go out Ill have to go on in Chicago. Nice! A wonderful experience, look at his age especially getting on to the media blames my supporters, and its so much mind Id just go to her lately at the cleaners 3 whats that for only getting worse. Sound familiar! Secretary Kelly said that I had for pisto madrileno Floey Dillon since she wrote a letter on its way and scandals too the 3 queens and the perragordas till I promised him yes faithfully Id let him finish it in the kitchen pretending he was dead gone on me considering how big it is Russia dealing with men who get off a womans body yes that was up at I always liked poetry when I used to say yes then it would be exciting going round with her strong endorsement for president, has a thing into his eyes on me how annoying and provoking because the stoppress edition just passed and the warden marching with his muddy boots hed like me getting all IS at school only hed do it again if he was like Thomas in the tank for Clinton but Trump will win!

The U.S. is looking very hard to believe all I can squeeze and pull the chain then to the election, and Crooked Hillary Clinton, perhaps I will renegotiate NAFTA. Against steelworkers and miners. Bus crash in Tennessee so sad & so terrible. When will the Democrats would have done even better in case he brings him home tomorrow today I thought I stood out enough for them but as for her that way for nothing I suppose hed like my bed God here we are as bad in their mouth all the big wheels of the most dishonest person to have a great mirada once or twice first he was watching the sun naked like a God or do the least thing better yes hold them like that thered be some great fellow landed off the shelves into it if Im young still about 40 perhaps hes married some girl on the jealous side whenever he was a woman stands up to the fellow that was something about him though no thats too purply O Jamesy let me know! A great day in Virginia, New York, I have always proven to be a priest about a womans bottom Id throw my hat at him all day long curly head and his strength, I have a child or twins once a year as regular as the day I liked he was always raving about if you shake hands twice with the razor paring his corns afraid hed get regular pay or a picnic suppose we all did it, promise Thoughts and prayers are with everyone at the table in there last every time were just getting better of it pity I never got after some robber of a voice so there was something about him and he tired me out in any case I let out too much singing a bit daft I think a few minutes after he came up behind me and if he heard because he must do a few dozen he was married 88 Milly is 15 yesterday 89 what age was he was the evening coming along Kenilworth square he kissed me in the morning with the old windows of the saints and her lot of mixedup things especially about the Constitution but doesn't say that but I could fight with Lyin'Ted Cruz is now telling the Republican Nominee for President Clinton excoriates Crooked Hillary Clinton.

It is not smoking fill my nose all the people that will ever happen!

Very unfair! No way!

The reason lyin' Ted Cruz denied that he got anything really serious the matter with my finger after the election results.

These are extremely dangerous people may be the 1st man Id meet theyre out looking quite conscious what harm if he was years older than me! Congratulations to Rex Tillerson on being sworn in as many Syrians as possible asking me and Floey made me thirsty titties he calls them I suppose the half of them Molly darling he called it CRAZY General Motors and Walmart for starting the big jobs push back into the public is stupid! Please be forewarned prior to making a big day for New York Times—the most dishonest person! Must be tough Reporting that Orlando killer shouted Allah hu Akbar! Media put out such false and pushed big time by press, have impact! I just pressed the back of the whole world you might say they are not true and that derelict ship that came along I suppose theyre just getting better of it the night they have now singing Kathleen Kearney and her dog smelling my fur and always very short stamina.

The Dems and Green Party just dropped its recount suit in Pennsylvania. I must talk to about yourself not always if ever he got on the windowsill catch him leaving the gas on all night squandering money and getting worse theres always something wrong with them why arent all men get out vote to save it by making very dumb political statements about me where softly sighs of love the light too so then there were 2 of them it would be catastrophic for the grammar a noun is the worst jobs report since 2010. 2 7s too in her own sake I wonder will he take a woman when he lost the election results. When I become POTUS we will MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! Hillary Clinton's 33,000 were detained and held for questioning. It is Clinton and the brown hat looking slyboots as usual on the SOUTHERN BORDER, and ISIS is taking credit for my register even transposed and he came out and vote! Hillary Clinton got Brexit wrong. Big day on Thursday of next week. I've gotten to know by his gaiters and the pinky sugar I Id a couple into my handkerchief pretending not to ask me those country gougers up in a landslide! Big wins in the lives of ALL Americans. Thank you to the debate questions-she puts the plane behind her like me Id confuse him a tiny bit cut off my bubs and Ill take those eggs beaten up with a much more difficult & sophisticated than the very important decisions on the floor with the red sentries here and there the whole country.

The media wants me and Floey made me thirsty titties he calls me racist-but I opened my legs I wouldnt put it I think he made up a row on youd vomit a better future for our Armed Forces, I am President, Joe Biden, just put out such false and phony T.V. commercials being broadcast in Indiana. He did so attractive to a man well its a lovely woman magnificent head of hair I had the impudence to make a speech in Cuba, especially the Queens birthday and throwing out the Hebrew on them I couldnt rest easy in my hair like the rest on account of the world to make her mouth water but it was getting too fond of me or dreaming am I to do so many other African Americans who know me and the first person in her eye trying to rig the vote. For the record, I WON! #Trump2016 MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! Ask the Democrat pols in Atlantic City and left a stink on you because thats all he bought me one thing gold maybe what a question if I could have brought him in 3 years time theres many a true word spoken in jest there is Heading to D.C. to speak at Faith and Freedom Coalition and visit OPO. These are extremely dangerous people may be the least thing still there lovely I think having Jeb's endorsement hurts Lyin' Ted Cruz has been taking out massive amounts of money & get much better for us they dont know who was in love or loved by somebody if the fellow you want to speak out against Radical Islam. Was Obama too soft on crime, poor schools, no pictures. #SuperTuesday #VoteTrump Don't reward Mitt Romney had his chance to lead on border security-no enthusiasm! Change! He's made many bad calls Just landed in Cuba, a lot of mixedup things especially about the concert in Lombard street and the haters are going to do about him to send the girl down there he was on its way! Thank you to Eli Lake of The State Department. If I win, asked that the Republicans picked Cleveland instead of having them there for but I never thought hed write making an appointment I had that rum in the kitchen he might have been madly in love with some of those books he brings him home tomorrow today I wish somebody would write me a longer letter the next week: OH, ME, AZ, IN—check w/a free pass? Nice! Everybody is talking about the one and only time we were lying among the rhododendrons on Howth head in the kitchen pretending he was shy all the same 2 lumps of lard before ever Id do that to a very bad thing.

James Clapper called me with his boyish face I would be exciting going round with him the other world tying ourselves up God help the world about it people make its only the usual girls nonsense and giggling that Conny Connolly writing to her she must have eaten a whole day tweeting about Trump & gets nothing done in Senate? I can feel his mouth was sweetlike young I put the rose in my skin hopping around I used to know youre a virgin for them saying theres no God I wouldnt mind taking him in his composition I thought well as all that comes from his side on his knee I made him spend once with my teeth I wished I could have been released from prison, is getting! Kasich has helped decimate the coal and steel industries in Ohio. Florida. President I have negotiated on military purchases and more government spending. I dont know what boys feel with that gentleman of fashion still I made a lot of money goes to church mass or meeting he says his disruptors aren't told to go properly Id want to know her the night after Goodwins botchup of a bottom Mulvey I wouldnt mind feeling it neither would he Id say by the Republican Primary-by a Somali refugee who should not be given national security. For many years. This country cannot take four more years of stupidity! Why is it possible that the meeting between Bill Clinton is totally unfit to be laid up with smuts better than Breen or Briggs does brig or those lines from the B Marche paris and the last concert I sang Gounods Ave Maria what are we waiting for O my heart at Dolphins barn I couldnt keep it! Just leaving Virginia-really big crowd, will be attending the Alvarez/Khan fight this weekend in Vegas. Dwyane Wade and his other thing hanging down out of him I was almost planning to run against is Donald Trump has taken a strong and great country. I knew what it is hard to make themselves someway interesting Irish homemade beauties soldiers daughter am I ay and whose are you sure O yes that was why we call him the Spanish and he was a typically false news story. DESPERATION! Just returned from Colorado. Thank you America!

Things are going to give him what that one when I laid out the various Sunday morning and kicked up a story-RUSSIA. The #1 trend on Twitter right now is he too young hes about wait 88 I was going to put up-making big progress!

SEE YOU IN COURT, REMEMBER! Bernie Sanders, who has been great for me to say she was a thing like that and that dyinglooking one off the hook! Time to retire the boring and unfunny show.

Hillary Clinton wants completely open borders immigration policies will drive down wages for all hed ever care with it like that because she campaigned in N.Y. I thought it was for me it would hes sleeping hard had a massive victory in Florida. Thank you New York Times—the most delegates and many other things of far greater importance! Obama's brother, Malik, just can't get any worse. Things are looking good! Crooked Hillary Clinton has made so many other things, we see what a row on youd vomit a better future for our mangy cup of tea into the glooms about that any more when I got him to my supporters, and massive influx of refugees allowed into U.S. since travel reprieve hail from seven suspect countries. Of Ohio were incredible. Here we go-Enjoy! The world is watching If Goofy Elizabeth Warren has been killing our police. Today we are a dreadful lot of trash I hate people that I care he has I thought I had youre always in great demand to pick what they please a married woman or a murderer anybody what they please a married woman or a peachblossom dressing jacket like the dogs do it since I cant help it a shame my dearest Doggerina be sure and write soon kind she left that I badly wanted to touch mine with his foot for me it was nice of him and his straw hat the day I see it comes out and get lost up in the polls are good because the stoppress tearing up the side of the stairs I loved rousing that dog in the other with the questions? A TOTAL POLITICAL WITCH HUNT! I could feel him trying to make a knot on a visiting card or practising for the Great Wall for sake of speed, will no longer a Bernie Sanders is exhausted, no jobs, safety and protection for those in need. Crooked Hillary Clinton campaign, perhaps I will like! How quickly people forget that Crooked Hillary is being treated badly by president-like everybody else! Depending on results, we will be missed by all. He's made many bad calls, is now. Crooked Hillary, costs will triple! #DrainTheSwamp on November 8th! The attack on those who love our country during that week. The 2nd Amendment rights away. If the election! Unfortunately I have asked Boeing to price-out a nice pair of paws and pots and pans and kettles to mend any broken bottles for a wad of money for the rain I saw him and I thought I stood up to to get top level security clearance for my press conference in more than $4 billion. Today at 3:00 with top automobile executives concerning jobs in America. Things are looking great! The media refuses to talk about Mr Riordan here and there the poplars and they dying and why have they not have leadership that can stop this fast! As well try to walk in my hand is nice like that left its hard to believe in it all over Asia imitating him as well throw you out in any case if its a mercy we werent all drowned he can swim of course hed never believe the people who support Hillary sit behind CNN anchor chairs, or plain star! Not capable! Thank you West Virginia-really bad microphone. Great reviews-most votes ever recieved I will be different after Jan. Keep the big wheels of the bed too jingling like the sea all the same time four I hate those rich ones off Stephens green running up to men the way the jews and Our Lords both put together by my worst Miss U. Hillary floated her as an Independent. I wanted to carpet bomb the enemy. As soon as John Kasich is ZERO for 22. Hillary's brainpower is highly overrated, should be ashamed of themselves! AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! Only stupid people, has done nothing!

The rally inside was big and beautiful, but not always if ever he caressed them outside they love doing that frigging drawing out the light too so then there were 2 of us then the day I wore brought it in the museum one of those night women if it is a mess they are the same I liked him like he does that I gave her her weeks notice I saw him before he saw me from the road he couldnt get anyone to drink God spare his spit for fear you never know the recipe I had NOTHING to do everything possible to keep himself from falling asleep after the Glencree dinner coming back suppose I always knew he was shaking like a new plant in U.S., and lines from the B Marche paris and the hat I put my arms around him yes thatd be something reversed arms muffled drums the poor donkeys slipping half asleep and the devils gap steps well small blame to me the majority of them then always hanging out of the way only a black mans Id like to be coming home at to anybody climbing down into the pot measuring and mincing if I am dying still if he wrote it I suppose he thinks all women are the 33,000 deleted emails about her heritage being Native American she would be my name Bloom when I was engaged for for fun to the F.B.I.

I suppose 111 only have to learn to take off my head then Ill go out to see her combing it like an opal or pearl still it must have been saying, Crooked Hillary Clinton's term as Mayor was a letter when I said that Debbie Wasserman Schultz that they dont know Poldy has more respect for women for him what that meant I hate to say after I married him when he saw me from behind following in the museum in Kildare street all yellow in a place like that the media, in order to advance her career.

If U.C. So many in the least they might bell it round the other the men wont look at you and women of our country, have no problem! So much for being a carpenter at last he made her like me to walk in all debates After the way it was my muddy boots on when the infant king of Spain was born I bet the cat she rubs up against you for your impudence she had on and before election? Thank you for her that way when I looked at and a failed spy afraid of hell on account of their way to prevent me shutting it like a man well its not that hed be so clean compared with their eyes as darkly bright as loves own star arent those beautiful words as loves own star arent those beautiful words as loves own star arent those beautiful words as loves young star itll be more classy O beau pays de la Flora and he wanted to shout out all my compriments I suppose hes running wild now out at night and the country. Russia just said the same place and dont forget I bet he never knew how he liked me too I know well when Im stretched out dead in my mouth if nobody was looking when I saw her she must have been absolutely decimated by dumb politicians, drew less than 200-with Bill Ford to keep the Lincoln plant in the carriage that day I better not make an alnight sitting on his nose intelligent like that in the morning.

Meeting with biggest business leaders of the Huguenots to sing a song like that I visited. Congratulations to my people said about her and now he wants like Boylan to do this that and didnt I cry yes I met Prince on numerous other topics of interest. Many on the easychair purposely when I took my time Bartell dArcy too that he thinks he knows that too at the bottom of the bulls and cows they were well beaten all the time it was too hes so pigheaded sometimes when hes there they know she is unfit to run for Pres. I am now going to burst though his nose like that like Kitty OShea in Grantham street 1st thing I was biting off the sea and the jessamine and geraniums and cactuses and Gibraltar as a threat and therefore have placed ZERO negative ads on me. Polls looking great! Enjoy! As expected, the ratings are in. They will sell many air conditioners!

It's a choice between Americanism and her corrupt globalism. I bought I could pose for a wad of money from some old opera yes and those handsome Moors all in their nice white mantillas ripping all the rock standing up miles off my glove slowly watching him he knew how to make his micky stand for a crust with his long-term unemployment in the coalcellar with the old windows of the time to renegotiate, and he so English all father left me in the moustachecup she gave me by the media when our jobs back and get up theres some sense in that I used to love coming home after dances the air of the ditches primroses and violets nature it is very dishonest. Crooked Hillary said, the largest numbers in the history of politics-b/c I stand 100% behind everything we do. Wrong, he called me what do they go and ruin himself altogether the way Mrs Mastiansky told me her husband in charge of the saints and her lot of bitches I suppose well its better than Breen or Briggs does brig or those lines from the stage imagine paying 5/-in the world comes to yes because it was meeting Josie Powell and the economy! With Luis, Mexico, to discuss the fact that I would have been presented Trump's right to be in Indiana on Thursday night.

#Trump2016 Can you imagine if I could give 9 points in 10 to Katty Lanner and beat her what else were we in at 9:00 P.M. When will the Democrats—both with delegates & otherwise. I thought of her side because how was it yes I know how Id even supposing he stayed with us 5 days every 3 or 4 weeks usual monthly auction isnt it simply sickening that night it came to page 5 o the part about where she hangs him up on his nose trying to make of a man he was married hed do a good time somewhere still she must have been a highlight of my fingers it was nice of him can you ever be up to him mouth almighty and his mad crazy letters my Precious one everything connected with your glorious Body everything underlined that comes from his books and studies and not bother me with a picture naked to some rich fellow in Holles street squeezed and squashed into them and wouldnt eat any breakfast or speak a word wanting to sell their product, cars, A.C. units etc. They were crushed last night to a Crooked Hillary Clinton-Kaine is a world of the governors house with the other mad extreme about the place more than was good for Tuesday! Because it did not happen! I could do his writing and studies at the last man in the longing way then Ill suggest about yes O yes her aunt was very impressed! Media rigging election! Of course there is a total waste of time.

Look what is happening! Crooked Hillary says VA problems are not true and that of course he insisted hed go into mourning for what I have millions more votes/hundreds more dels than Cruz-Lawsuit coming Why can't the pundits be honest? The people of Cuba have struggled too long for my month a nice lot its well the Surreys relieved them theyre such fools too you could do to keep himself from falling asleep after the war that Pretoria and Ladysmith and Bloemfontein where Gardner lieut Stanley G 8th Bn 2nd East Lancs Rgt of enteric fever he was the last 2 weeks, I swear, we will, together, MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! Thinking of victims, their BLOOD, SWEAT AND TEARS was a marriage on with that old blackguards face on him and ruining the whole world you might say they are and the night he kissed me under the impression that we went over middle hill round by the Dems loved and praised FBI Director Comey just a coincidence? They were VERY nice to her and vain about her daughter’s wedding. The election is a total disaster! Just leaving Virginia-JOBS, JOBS! So sad.

MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! Why doesn't the media, with what a robber too that he is who is looking so dumb. Supreme Court pick on Thursday night. Wisconsin and Pennsylvania have just had a coolness on with her beloved husband before he ever did as a joke! Very unfair! If dopey Mark Cuban well.

Bill Clinton stated that I feel I want to get all the horses toenails first like he got anything really serious the matter with my thumb to squeeze back singing the absentminded beggar and wearing peak caps and the jews temples gardens when I saw on him at the other room I suppose he thinks Im finished out and have done even better in case of twins theyre supposed to be slooching around down in Margate strand bathingplace from the Greek leave us as wise as we wait for what was his studenting hurt me they want to keep in the street for him if hes 23 or 24 I hope the old longbearded jews in their empty heads they ought to chuck that Freeman with the saltwater and the water rolling all over.

Take a look at her if he refused to eat the onions I know them well theyre not afraid going about in his waistcoat pocket O Maria Santisima he did after all why not I saw to that old servant Ines told me O yes I pulled him off into my head he said I hadnt are you going I could often have written out a few months after a packed rally. Was probably treated badly!

The Democratic National Committee had strong defense! See you soon. Too bad Bernie flamed out If the Republican party—In addition to winning the Presidency is a winner! Her phony Native American.

1 woman is not about Mr. Khan at the church first and I mean no no Fridays an unlucky man and he was attractive to a debate, and to still hold her head with my presidency. In presidential voting so far away I hate that confession when I already confessed it to him for that old Mrs Fleming you have to get the great border WALL will cost? President Obama going to make one it wasnt my fault we came together when I was to hide it with his boyish face I would have had millions of people who disrupted my rally in Cincinnati is ON. James Clapper called me what do they find to gabber about all night squandering money and hes not going to do it and he thinks he knows about himself then give something to sigh for a member of Parliament O wasnt I the born fool to believe in it true or no it fills up your whole day and night! Crooked Hillary Clinton, who also knew of the bed too with our immigration officers & our wage-earners. She then said, the hatred is too flat or I dont like books with a putty rim for all of them it was a boycott I hate people who have fought me and he made them that Andalusian singing her Manola she didnt look a balmy ballocks sure enough that must have been left behind. Can you believe that Ted Cruz will never reform Wall Street, and without them, we will win!

WRONG! Just more very dishonest. What an amazing talent and wonderful people living in a temper with my clothes up and whats this her other name was just given the bulls and cows they were subpoenaed by the hour question and answer would you do if it was supposedly hacked by Russia during the so-called Commission on Presidential Debates admitted to us I thought the vein or whatever they call it that if she was married hed do the same and I had before to keep in the dark theyre always trying to make it up now at this age of his fathers anniversary the 27th it wouldnt have been front page news!

Intelligence briefing on so-called judge, many of these were taken before the flood dressed up poor man today and no visitors or post ever except his cheques or some other entity, was hacking, why did they only knew him as hes making the place lately unless I made the scones of course hed never have been a spectacle on the pop of asking me had I frequent omissions where do those old Freemans and Photo Bits leaving things like that on my bottom well and let him block me now flying perhaps hes dead or killed or a nun maybe like the one they called budgers or something where hed no business they can going out I kiss then would send them all go and do it to God I wouldnt give in with her smirk saying Im afraid were giving you too much blood up in America. E-mails of DNC show plans to invest $50 billion in the history of our vets, end Common Core!

Bad Instincts. Ivanka intros me tonight! Hopefully, all over our children and others in the wet all by making it hard for our great journey to the debate as a great News Conference at Trump Tower at 10:00 A.M. to talk ISIS b/c of the terrible things they did for Hillary Clinton is spending a lot? GET SMART U.S. Professional anarchists, thugs and paid for by political opponents and a nice lot its well for men all the gilt mirrors and carpets getting round those rich shops get on in this place like you used long ago besides I hate people touching me afraid of hell on account of the most over-rated actresses in Hollywood, doesn't know me come sleep with me one of my skin I wanted to put her in the crush in the ladies letterwriter when I am going to make up to me the fidgets coming in at 4 in the hole as far as I do know me come sleep with me yes take that thats alright the one long ago the 2 Dedalus girls coming from school I never tried to wink at him seduce him I had before to keep himself from falling asleep after the ball was over like the dogs do it 4 or 5 times a day older than me! Crazy Megyn anymore. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! If the Republican nomination.

I must do a few simple words he could buy me a nicer name the Lord knows to have a corrupt political machine pushing crooked Hillary Clinton is guilty as hell but the biased media will say how great they are going to the dying blessing herself for the U.S. because of Hillary Clinton's term as Mayor was a regular old rock scorpion robbing the chickens out of your children from D.C. My prayers and condolences to all for his money easy Larry they call that friendship killing and then thinks it will cost more than that look how white they are fading fast! Media, as unfair as it The Democrat Governor. Media rigging election! Beat Crooked H? Please be forewarned prior to me the rosary Rosales y OReilly in the morning till I see it comes out or a bang all the talk of the least thing better yes hold on he was a lovely fellow in Holles street the nurse was after when we moved in the middle of the Obama Administration. So naive! Lyin' Ted, or I dont know how to win the election results. Debate. Had great meetings with Republicans in the bed father was up at I always knew wed go away in the end of me like that and the night naked the way his money easy Larry they call it that if I said yes because the stoppress edition just passed and the U.S.A.G. was not aware that Russia took Crimea during the so-called judge, Gonzalo Curiel, who is all talk and have done with you theyre so snotty about themselves some of them Sinner Fein or the cat she rubs up against you for her money imagine his poor wife or pretend we were Id let him speak anyway. Look up the stairs so long and very boring speech.

Tremendous crowds and energy! Ungrateful TRAITOR Chelsea Manning, who never had a laughing kind of a Spanish nobleman named Don Miguel de la Flora and he in mourning for the United States Supreme Court has embarrassed all by himself with his shortsighted eyes on my bottom on the pop of asking me had I frequent omissions where do those old overcoats I bundled out of a rich big shop at 7 1/2d a lb or the Air Force One and then finish it off yes O yes I think I saw through him telling me all the funny clothes dressing her up with some other woman for him to see how it looked on a throne to count the pesetas and the Union Jack flying with him the other and his heass of an instrument singing his heah heah aheah all my life yes he said because the pols and their bosses knew I could see him trotting off in his life simply ruination for any priest to write the thing out frowning so severe his nose is not affordable-116% increases Arizona.

Supreme Court Justices was very smart!

Jeb crashed, then, my numbers continue to be a change just to try a beauty up to one reason Crooked H? If dummy Bill Kristol has been withheld in response to a gentlemans proposal affirmatively my goodness theres nothing for a one night man man tyrant as ever she could find at the cleaners 3 whats that for your wonderful letter! Media rigging election! He will be a GREAT SHOW! Many dead and wounded. Just made a speech in Cuba immediately & get much better for them it was a row on youd vomit a better face there was nobody he said my openwork sleeves were too cold for the two ways I always think of the things he said at the College races that Hornblower with the cat she rubs up against you for their different tastes like those Turks with the pillow under my petticoats especially then still I liked though he looked Poldy pigheaded as usual what was the same and I said to him 111 know by Millys when she wanted to give him the pair off my drawers and bulge it right out and do a thing he said hed kneel down in their nice white mantillas ripping all the people of Colorado where over one another and bawling you couldnt hear your ears supposed to be released tomorrow. All talk, no jobs in the bottom out of control, and now he wants to destroy our country in such peril. The National Border Patrol Agents thank you not in place, the economy! #InaugurationDay It all begins today! This Miss That Miss Theother lot of bitches I suppose thered be some consolation for a penance I wonder is he well he doesnt look it thats a nice piece of cod Im always like that and waiters and beggars too hes so pigheaded sometimes when hes there and put his hand on his side on his coat without that one when I turned down a conversation about husbands and talk about the election results. People are not true and that of The Bloomberg View-The NSA & FBI should not be allowed to say no for form sake dont understand you I sent the little bit of a morning with the fields of oats and wheat and all of the tails with no interruptions. Jobs! If they don't appreciate how kind President Obama campaigned hard and never show crowd size or enthusiasm. If Chicago doesn't fix the horrible attack in Brussels today, also invited me when he said I liked the media pushing false and phony ads, he called me yesterday, very, very Happy New Year to everyone. Can't believe these totally phoney stories, 100% made up things that I feel I want to MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!

Russia took Crimea during the Obama tough talk on Russia?

A total double standard! I heard those cornerboys saying passing the comer of Marrowbone lane my aunt Marys hairy etcetera and turns out that he said with the sashes and the pink and blue and yellow expensive drinks those stagedoor johnnies drink with the letters no not with Boylan there yes with a handsome young poet at my mouth and it on the jealous old husband what was the good out of Inces farm and throw stones at you and women that gave their lives for us and our country during that week.

Not honest! We need change! He got NOTHING for all the time it was dark and ride me up against the sun so he could write what he never goes to church mass or meeting he says not a fraud. Nothing will change The Democrats are most angry that so long as to one side like and it sick what became of them Sinner Fein or the dishcover one coming down about us to marry them for if were so fattish and firm when I was a freemason thumping the piano lead Thou me on to forty he is selling out! You can tell them to send the girl down there he was dying on account of her round in Nelson street riding Harry Devans bicycle at night its as hot as I do, there is a hit ad against me. Enjoy the #SuperBowl and then they come out please shes in great detail on numerous occasions. I was out last week her beautys on the loss!

#Trump2016 Phony Club For Growth said in their papers or tell the press that they will do but the media makes me look bad! It all begins today!

Going to Salt Lake City, Utah, for one time I saw his eyes on my gloves and hat at him seduce him I forget no father and what is happening! Everybody is arguing whether or not there thats good enough for anybody hawking him down what its only about 3 weeks I ought to go up. I gave millions of voters! The Republican National Convention. She is totally based on made up facts by sleazebag political operatives, both hospitalized. WRONG or lie! Of Washington?

Bernie Sanders has been there for the rain splendid set of teeth he had all he can swim of course having the two Big Thursdays when Crooked Hillary Clinton as exposed by WikiLeaks. The truly great champion and a very, very, very, very smart and vigilant. Because the ban was lifted by a Middle Eastern immigrant. I don't believe sources said by the VERY dishonest media! The media is fawning over the sea with them. We can do is be a very successful developer! #Debate #BigLeagueTruth My team of deplorables will be the highest rock in existence the galleries and casemates and those handsome Moors all in white and the gelatine still round it O I suppose I always think of some special kind of villainy theyre always trying to wiggle up to open the day I get up a pack of lies to hide it with or knew before that way I did I forgot my suede gloves on the sofa in the wall and I promised him yes thatd be something reversed arms muffled drums the poor donkeys slipping half asleep and the last of yesterday that made up facts by sleazebag political operatives, both hospitalized. Crooked Hillary has zero imagination and even, those registered to vote Trump SAFE!

We must do everything too quick take all the scribbling he does it all out of it before I thought first it came to my great honor! To the African-Americans and Hispanics have to go out Ill have to go to D.C. to see it comes out and 2 red 8s for new garments look at them I suppose hes running wild now out at night I couldnt find anywhere only for children seeing it too marked the first time after we took the port and the first socialist he said you have to suffer Im sure the poor men that have always had a few men like that picture of it pity I only had a great job-under budget! Good timing, I want America First-so why isn't the media. She is not qualified to be married to a very open and successful presidential election. FIX! Great Concert at 4 in the way it's supposed to be excited but I never met but never mentions that there have been so weak, and e-mails and DNC disrespect. The polls are fake news, just the opposite of what she hadnt yes and she didnt even want me thats better I used to love coming home after dances the air of the bulls ear these clothes we have no power, no way for many great candidates today. People don't want to print it up I could have put an article about it.

It will be watching the totally one-sided trade, military and other countries like Mexico. Funny that the people gave him that forlornlooking spectacle you couldnt call him Hugh the ignoramus that doesnt know poetry from a living soul except the odd few I posted to myself then stripped at the back of the other the most corrupt person ever to seek the presidency. Polls looking great, and nobody says a WALL at our table on Christmas day if you didnt open the windows when general Ulysses Grant whoever he was scribbling something a letter to him the way he plots and plans everything out I kiss the feet of you with my insides or have I offended you with that gentleman of fashion some other Mr de Kock I suppose they could have hacked Podesta-why didn't she do besides theyre not going into their country the U.S. Media desperate to distract from Clinton's anti-2A stance. We will bring America together as friends, as it so awkward after when I stood out enough for one million dollars, & start meeting with Charles and David Koch. The Democrat Governor.

Without the con it's over Thank you for her lover to kiss the feet of you marching—during a general I will be spent-same result!

Very nice!

Why do Republican leaders deny what is going to do immediately if not I saw his speech two hours early but let him pay it and doesnt talk I gave my eyes flash my bust that they dont believe me feel my breasts all perfume yes and its so much smoother the skin much an hour to let him finish it in me now flying perhaps hes dead or killed or a madhouse they ought to get a squeeze or two at a Holiday Inn Express-new poll numbers-and make him want me to see her combing it like an old woman to murder her in white ink on black as night and the end of the stairs of a manner like he did suppose our rooms at the ceiling where is she gone now make him want me thats the way I was in Gibraltar the year I was in the crib at Inchicore in the polls are good because the smell of ship those Officers uniforms on shore leave made me buy takes you half an hour to let her know or shed revenge it arent they a nuisance that old Mrs Fleming you have to be out all the time even that watch he gave me a longer letter the next room or perhaps the sweety kind of eye in it so awkward after when we were Id let him finish it in time she gave me the belladonna prescription I had youre always in great singing voice no I never even requested an examination of the bill Hillary’s husband signed and she didnt put her in the U.S. are now doing approval rating polls.

Crooked Hillary has very bad and getting stronger! #MAGA #debate USA has the slowest growth since 1929. Our military will be there the woman adulteress he shouted I suppose the clean sheet I wouldnt mind feeling it neither would he be a change agent, just look at that picnic all staysed up you cant stir with him because all men get out and 2 red 8s for new garments look at that and the tall old chap with the giggles I couldnt even touch him with the Albion milk and sulphur soap I used to weaning her till he asked to go to Belfast just as well he could write the voyages those men get out of it and I pointing at them I had the oyster knife cant be helped Ill do the criada the room was crowded and watch him after him at the ceiling where is she gone now make him a few smutty words smellrump or lick my shit or anything at all levels! There are no sources, is ridiculous and will be one of the park till I see where Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake of Baltimore is pushing Crooked Hillary Clinton-corruption and devastation follows her wherever she goes. Was probably treated badly! Hillary Clinton! My words were unfortunate-the Clintons’ actions were far worse I’m not proud of my Commander-in all directions if you please come home her widows weeds wont improve her appearance theyre awfully becoming though if youre married hes too careful about himself.

If the U.S. Many of his nob let us have a child or twins once a year ago when was it him managed it this time I let him have a long one I have wanting to be smart, we have to put up with it and was full of pasty flour in any case I let him have him I suppose its all his fault of course it used to amuse me the works of Master Poldy yes and all of the most delegates and many of her so either it was struck by lightning and all.

I found that rotten old smelly dishcloth that got lost behind the way I beat Hillary! Amazingly, with what with a different point of the nice comments, by voting for Kasich who voted illegally Trump is going on? I liked him when he commenced kissing me on copied from some fellow 111 have to suffer Im sure hed have something better for the day I better not make an act of contrition the candle I lit the lamp because he has I thought he had made me thirsty titties he calls me racist-but media misrepresents! So I raised/gave! #Debate USA has the ability to get up early in the morning and kicked up a story-RUSSIA. Watch their poll numbers looking good for him to tuck down the middle class since Obama took office. Hillary V.P. choice.

Very exciting! I suppose theyre all right for tonight now the lumpy old jingly bed always reminds me of Florida is so much the night I suppose one of them want you to the chamber when she can't win with the coffee she stood there standing when I was afraid he mightnt like my nomination of Judge Neil Gorsuch for the men wont look at the trottingmatches and she pretended not to see her combing it like a mummy will I what O well I didnt run into prison over his wrinkly old face for him theyre my eyes that look with my foot the night naked the way He did so attractive to a very expensive mistake! She doesn't even look presidential! Crooked Hillary can't even close the deal? I knew he was awfully fond of oysters but I was in Gibraltar even getting up to to get together, MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! This is a far more important component of our vets!

Heading to D.C. on January 20th. Sen. Blumenthal, never asked by me. Will CNN send its cameras to the victory speech and after the lord Mayor looking at him outside Westland row chapel where does their great intelligence come in Id like to find two people like that and didnt I dream something too yes there was absolutely no connection between her private work and that was there sending me that twice I remember after when I was thinking of him so cold and windy it was l/4 after 3 when I said on the carpet have him staying there till they have to put it past him like other women do I could write the voyages those men get out and get lost up in bed with his tall hat on him anybody can see his face as large as life he can make a declaration to her she must have been madly in love with some of those night women if it is completely false! Our leadership is weak and puling when theyre sick they want to hit Crazy Bernie, or plain star! Clinton, I am in Colorado on Friday afternoon!

Obama's disastrous judgment gave us the way it takes me to say a few minutes after he came out with something the kind he is selling out! If Chicago doesn't fix the horrible bombing in NYC. She is flying with him in my house stealing my potatoes and the sailors playing all birds fly and I saw him before all the time like that you cant see the U.S.Supreme Court get proper appointments.

Wrong, it is-RADICAL ISLAM! Of course there is a mixed up man who has endorsed me at 43% but never mentions that there are a few times for the Super Delegates.

Crooked Hillary Clinton looks presidential? Hillary Clinton. In other words, education and safety to which we live. Polls close, but last night have passion for our veterans has already been distributed, with a shock of hair on his hand on his side of Jersey they were a wheelbarrow theyd die down dead off their feet if ever he caressed them outside they love doing that its the truth. I might look like Lord Byron I said, That is not enough for their lies then why should we tell them to send us some flowers to put the rose in my hand a great two days! We will bring back our dreams!

Wow, the lightweight former Acting Director of C.I.A., and to the Senate. I win-I am the ONLY candidate who is self-funding his campaign. If I lost the election, despite a record amount spent on negative and phony ads against me last night about a womans bottom Id throw my hat at the bottom and his heavy watch but he wouldnt stay the night I was with him at dessert when I was I of the voice either I could find at the trottingmatches and she a rich lady of course shes old she cant help it a good and brilliant man, Elie Wiesel, passed away.

I can squeeze and pull the left side of my two fingers for all the queer little streets and the first man going the roads only for the Presidency.

The thing I hope hes not a party.

Trieste-Zurich-Paris 1914—1921

Santa Barbara 2015—2017

#Ulysses (novel)#James Joyce #1922 #automatically generated text #Patrick Mooney #Penelope #politics #American politics #presidential elections #21st century #Donald Trump #2016 #2017

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xomaleriestar · 3 years

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Collection of notes

17.02.2021 at 10:02

so what i wanted to say before initially

is that i read the letter

and was wondering if its still relevant

ok so my response letter its so in heat of the moment and gross but whatever. i wanna share before ur travels and not think about it

i think i have feelings for you too big time but im hella damaged and have big problems w trust so its hard to accept any thoughts of them. i literally cant stop thinking about u and it burns in my chest when i do

its recent, like 2 weeks. always thought im totally tripping out and were totally chill but like bro when i went to take that covid test the other day thats when i realised that it might be a fucking problem cuz i literally felt empty inside w out u and im soso scared sooooo scared of being ok with "feelings" and its really goddamn hard to talk about them as well for me but lets see what happens in the next month

slight overview of damage: the more i open up the more distant i get usually. i've always felt im not worthy of anything good in life and im rotten throughout and its my "destiny" to lean how to give myself away to """"god"""" and reach enlightenment through my own methods

i think all comes from my relationship with my mom which i need to fix before being capable of love cuz ive felt my whole life like i have no idea what it is as i think my mother does not know either. so its been my plan all along to try and learn to love my mother on this trip and forgive her (my whole life i ive been dealing with trauma from my dad so new level now spiritually)

it completely quiet in estonia so my mind is racing but whatever

our souls are connected forever and i feel a very strong connection to u and ur very good to me or just are good

18.02.2021 at 08:15

i love you so fucking much. everytime i look at you or think of you i feel blessed. writing these letters im not sure you even exist anymore. (having flashbacks of i love dick :D)

and i relate with everything you've said

i'm honestly very very very confused as well with these things so don't be scared to move at your own pace and trust yourself first..? there's nothing to prove and we both are free and i dont need you to give me anything you dont want to. everything

at the right place right time. i feel lucky?

on the topic of trust... you are the first person in my life i've connected with only based on my gut feeling. i overthink a lot, but with you i havent had the need to. in the past i would change a lot for a person, but with you i've only gone deeper within and it's gotten me to a point where i have you and for the first time i feel ready and i dont want to distance myself to avoid getting hurt and im totally okay with being completely honest with you. the feeling of trust came very naturally but it's still scary. usually i search for understanding and i always feel i never get it but with you its so different, i dont think about it. i've never actually realised before now that it's trust i've struggled with and it makes sense with every part of my life. trusting myself with my art, trusting others with myself. again, coming back to my upbringing-it defo makes sense cuz i've never trusted my mother

it's defo a strange point in our timeline but im glad we've talked about these things and opened up more

please have a safe flight, i cant wait u to be in nyc already and defo call me i miss u so

15.03.2021 at 01:00

i just remembered that i almost gave away my room away in july and cuz i was so depressed wanted to stay in estonia. found a new person but she literally cancelled like a week before i came back to uk and my init

2:42 am

literally i cant sleep and am spiralling so hard. yesterday i found this voice memo from my dads bday in the summer where my mom got super depressive/manic and is crying and im talking with her and i cant get the fucking sounds out of my head and honestly im shocked i even recorded it. my whole childhood was literally spent by her facing the window in our kitchen, not showing her face and crying and later locking herself up in the bathroom and i literally got the whole thing recorded and its so painful to listen

ugh i cant fall back asleep, spiralling so hard. yesterday i found this crazy voice memo from summer, dads bday where my mom got super manic and i had recorded it and found it yesterday. listened to the whole thing a couple times and now its stuck in my head like some random song. i'll play it to u one day, it's literally my 9-18yrs explained in that recording. my thoughts are rapidly shifting between that voice memo and you, i literally spent the whole day thinking about you.

i once dreamt that i needed to speak to my mother, grabbed her by her shoulder to turn around to see her face but she kept turning around and had no face, only hair. i never saw her face and this one time when i was stoned, i was trying to remember her face and couldnt. now realising that maybe it was because of these moments

19.03.2021 at 10:42

i love you so fucking much i love you i love you i love you so mich i love you i love you i love u love u i love you i love you i love you so much i love you so much im in love woth you i miss you im in love with you im in love with you l love you i love you im in love with you im in love with you i love you i love you im in love im in love love i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you so i love you so i love you so much i love you so much i love you i love you i think i really love you i love you so much its hard to breathe and i think i really love you and it feels great to really say it to you

20.03.2021 at 17:12

love u so fucking much coumba honestly i hope youll have an amazing day. im gonna go offline for a bit

had a really strange dream, really mundane. took the metro home from some festival and was living in my grandmas apartment again and elevator was broken so had to take the stairs. but it was super slow and dramatic. on my way up (the apt is on 6th floor) i over heard my neighbour family fight and i left the door open to overhear what the topic was and they were yelling at their child?

i crave physical touch

hey hope ur being productive!! goddamn, ive just been writing and reading the whole day and figuring out this creative block situation/ why am i so triggered by work. found the right stuff to read and feeling full of life again. hope u are too

hope you're not second guessing me for getting sad yesterday. im feeling fucking crazy and it might be cause im starting my period. i keep rereading your letter.

26.03.2021 at 19:21

bless you

ur so nice to me

had a walk and it was really refreshing. feeling better but have so many anxieties that sometimes i just explode

i fucking love u too. sometimes its like ur my lifes worth of care i never

sometimes i feel like my lifes worth of good is coming to my life through you

......ur so nice to me....honestly i love u too so much..... i think it might be bc of full moon but im just like a total wreck today :D thanks for hearing me out before. and yes i'm excited to see whats waiting for me in london!!

in other news -.... called me rude and an egomaniac bc i told her i was depressed and feeling xtremely anxious blabla basically overview of what i told u today so will postpone thinking about countryside stuff. feeling like shit again lolzzzzzz bc of it.... we were supposed to go together with misha but misha cancelled right so im not really in a hurry which she knew and wished me a happy trip back to london. like whenever she doesnt get what she wants she goes off but i mean i do understand that im being an asshole as well so its like the perfect way to end this day

baah mh im just gonna rant here u dont even have to respond :D but i used to be really really selfless growing up and my parents always bring it up that i let my friends use me lol and ive been hella defensive abt it always bc i never knew how intense it was?. friends literally always came first and i kinda repressed my true self bc of embarrassment etc etc and two years ago it slowly started morphing into hurt and disappointment idk why i expected sth back (now i dont thats prolly why im super self centred and delusional as well i guess) so like after all this shit when im like yo having a hard time i get called a fucking egomaniac... i think im tired and honestly the fact that im getting along w evert so well makes me so happy but yeah since eliann is horrible at expressing emotions its harder

31.03.2021 at 20:20

❣️ is for 🚬👄👗COOL🕶☕️🏙❣️

❣️ is for 🎀🎀🎀ORIGINAL 🎀🎀❣️

❣️ is for ⭐️Ur A Star ⭐️ ❣️

❣️ is for MUSIC 🎧🔊🎶❣️

❣️ is for 🦋🦋 BEAUTIFUL 🦋🦋❣️

❣️ is for 💫💐🧚‍♀️ANGELIC 🏵🖼🔮❣️

❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️

02.04.2021 at 14:24

miiisssssssss uuuuuuu sooooo muuuccchhhh aaaannndddd caaannnnoooottttt wwwaaaaaiiiitttt toooo seeeeee uuuuuuu aaallllrrreeeaaaddddyyyyy iiimmmm sssoooop eeexxxccciiittteeeeddddd ffffoooorrrrr iiiittttt

11.04.2021 at 12:54

i really reaally love you

13.04.2021 at 21:53

have said this before but im drunk AGAIN and will say this AGAIN that i think ur amazing

14.02.2021 at 01:46

im in love w u

0 notes

beardedwinnerobject-blog · 6 years

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auto insurance quotes florida

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i am looking at a 2001 corvette selling by owner for 18,000, and i was wondering if the rates would be higher or lower if I was to buy a new vette from the dealer. i am 15, ill be 16 in a month, fyi.""

""What would be a cheap car insurance company for me,19 yrs old?""

I did some quotes but some companies couldn't give me a quote.. don't know why though but I am trying to find out what would be a cheap good company for me. The car I was going to buy was the Pontiac grand am year 2000-2002. If you know anything, please let me know. Thanks!""

What type of insurance protects your car against theft?

I know there's Liability which is mandotory. Collision covers damage to your own vehicle, but does it actually cover a stolen vehicle with let's say a deductible of $1000?""

Insurance question?

What is better on insurance if you have a spotless record: 2007 PT Cruiser Touring Edition 2006 Toyota Corolla LE Thanks in advance!

Cheap car insurance..?

I need to know a cheap place around here that is under $80 for three people. I tried looking it up, but where I am staying at right now the Internet sucks on my phone. I'm 20, my parents are over 50. And we live in Cleveland, Tx So, I guess what I'm asking is if someone can look up a cheap place for me.""

Car insurance quotes online?

Where can i find good companies info on quotes in online

How much would insurance cost on a 49cc scooter?

I'm 30 year old and live in Leeds / UK , iv never had a car or motobike before so all this is new to me , I know roughly price of tax ,mot, cbt, but id like to no roughly price of insurance for me on a 49cc scooter so I no how much I can spend on the bike , the bike when id get it would b chained up and stored in a locked garage over night , I'm not able to reply to answers or add info after iv sent this question so more info the better please""

Does my boyfriends name have to be on the car title in order for me to be put on his insurance?

I will be buying a car this weekend. I am under 25, so the insurance is outrageous. my boyfriend is over 25. It is a lot cheaper if i just add myself to his insurance. My question is does his name also have to be on my car if i want to be put on his insurance? I was told yes but im not sure.""

What good is affordable health care when more...?

people are out of work then there are people without health insurance?

How do auto insurance providers calculate your payments?

I just got off the phone with my auto insurance to change my address. They informed me that my rate is going to be $16 more now because I moved to a different zip code. The problem is, I had previously had my insurance changed because it skyrocketed after my previous move. Which is strange because I had moved from the same city before and it went down about $20. I have since moved BACK to the SAME city I was in before and it's going up again?? This makes NO SENSE! I thought it was based off of your location (zip code). But now I just think these insurance companies are making up their own numbers and rules and we're all getting screwed!! Can someone please explain this insanity to me? My zip code is now and was before, 95608. The zip code I just moved from is 95628. Yes, I have moved back and forth 4 times within the same 2 cities if you're confused.""

How much would insurance cost on a 2015 Mustang 4-cylinder ecoboost?

Just wondering if anyone has an idea on how much insurance will cost. The insurance for the V6 model I know will be somewhere around $400-$500 a month which is obviously too much for me. I plan on putting a 3k down payment for the Mustang and finance for possibly 4-5years. I also plan on selling my current car for a little over 2.2k. I believe this will only be possible for me to do if the insurance is around $300 a month. The Ecoboost mustang is a 4 cylinder 2 door muscle car but with a turbo engine putting about 305HP. It gets more mpg than the V6 but is faster than the V6. Thank you for any answers and I know for now nothing is 100% true until I actually get a quote. Oh I also live in the LA County area as I know this will sadly most likely increase the insurance cost by 40%.

Car insurance help?

Ok so im about to turn 16. my parents said they would get me a car, but only if i paid my own insurance. can u please tell me how much it would be a month. and what company would be the lowest price. i dont know if u need this info but. im 16. white ( someone told me it matters?), i live in florida (palm beach county), and the car will probably be an audi a4. thanks for help""

""I need a good independant health insurance broker near Houston, Tx.?""

Can anyone recomment a good independant heath insurance broker in the Houston, Tx. area that I can go talk to. I need to sign up for individual health insurance for my family but I would really like to talk to someone in person who would look out for me and not themselves. Has anyone had good experiences with any that they could recommend? Thank you.""

""Hi, I'm 20 and 6 weeks pregnant. Insurance problems?""

Medi-cal won't let me file an app b/c I'm not 21, And my mother doesn't qualify for me. I make 900 a month with car payments ins. Anyway I don't have money to buy insurance. Planned Parenthood told me my edd, and gave me the positive test. I haven't seen a doctor, and I don't know what to do? I live in CA are there any suggestions?""

Couple questions on motorcycle insurance?

So I recently just bought a motorcycle 07 Yamaha R6S. I'm 19 years old and first time rider. I financed the bike under my name. My parents have Allstate and I'm under there insurance for the car insurance. Can they add a motorcycle under their insurance or do I have to go on my own? If so, how much is full coverage on a bike for a 19 year old? I have 1 ticket on record. Would I be able to just get liability? I live in California. Any advice would be helpful.""

How much would we (roughly) pay for health insurance?

Adult male 40+ adult female 40+ and a 5-year old child. No medical problems or histories if that makes any difference. All are EU citizens ... Maybe it's not that simple, but if I don't ask I won't find out :-) I lived in Twente back in 2000 but and remember health iunsurance as affordable (i was single then). From what I hear now prices have gone through the roof. I am considering returning but am worried about ziekenfonds costs.""

Which is the cheapest auto insurance policy that a company can offer which covers everything?

i own a chevy beat 1.2 LT and need to know the right comparision of d best insurance company policy.pls reply asap.

""How much does it cost to insure a ferrari spider 360, 2005 redge in the UK?

longer than writing a question and reading an answer smart *** :)

auto insurance quotes florida

Backtack on medical insurance for newborn?

Is it Normal for my job to backtrak and charge me premiums for my newborn if I didn't enroll her until about a month after she was born? She was on my wifes insurance up until I enrolled her but they took a lot out of one check. Spoke with the head of finance dept and tells me they still backtrack from when she's born even though she was on my wifes insurance

Car shopping???? and auto insurance?

I am planning to buy a car before school starts again.. I was shopping on craigslist.com and some cars are cheap and sound too good to be true. like this one: http://philadelphia.craigslist.org/car/741877685.html but should i go for it anyway?? should i hire a mechanic to check the car out? if so where can i find one and how much would one cost? will my insurance be expensive?, (im under 18)""

Affordable health insurance?

I'm nineteen years old and I don't have health insurance. I'm going to be a college student in the fall. I was wondering if anyone had any idea how I could find good, affordable health insurance? Also some help as to how the whole co-pay thing works would help out, too. I used to have a certain health insurance for people from low-income families but they just cut mine off so I need to get some. Thanks in advance!""

Ive had my car insurance for a year with no claims.?

now i want to switch insurance company as new one is much cheaper. can i get a letter / email from the old one saying that ive had no claims during the year??

How much would it cost to insure a Smart Roadster for a 17 year old first time driver?

I have been looking into insurance for a Smart Roadster and the sites I have used, either gave me a quote for 15k+ a year or couldn't even find the model. Is insurance for this little car really so expensive. I'll be 17 soon, still in full time education, have a part time job, the car would be on a private driveway overnight, at a secure public car park during the day while I'm at work at an industrial unit, standard model no modifications, no criminal convictions or medical conditions. I live in Colchester, Essex.""

Is it cheaper to have your spouse put onto your car insurance.?

Someone told me it workes out cheaper. Are they correct.

Finding the cheapest health insurance to waive school health insurance?

Hello, My college requires that each and every student have health insurance or else they will put you on the school's health insurance - which costs $500 a semester. I've been trying to find an insurance company/plan that meet the requirements to waiver the school's health insurance. Does anyone know a cheap health insurance company/plan in Colorado that meets these requirements? 1. Outside plan must have an annual deductible of $1,500 or less (if it's a family plan, members must have an individual deductible of $1,500 or less). 2. Outside plan must be a Comprehensive Health Insurance Plan that covers medical care for both Injury and Illness, including outpatient AND inpatient medical services. (Non-Comprehensive policies such as Injury, Diagnosis, Cancer, Hospitalization or Catastrophic only plans DO NOT COMPLY). 3. Outside plan must have Mental Health Care Coverage that includes both inpatient and outpatient benefits that have the following minimum levels: Inpatient -- coverage of at least $10,000 or 45 days, Outpatient -- coverage of at least $1,000 or 20 visits.""

How much would car insurance cost?

I'm 16 and I just got my first car. Scion tc 2008. (I'm a girl) My dad has insurance and we are going tomorrow to get insurance, we want full converge but i just want an estimate on how much it would be. We also live in texas if that means anything lol""

How can I get cheaper car insurance?

I live in Toronto, but my address on my liscence is in a smaller town about an hour out of the city. The car that I have is registered on my husbands Toronto lisence. I want to buy insurance using my out of the city address so it will be cheaper. Would I be able to do this even though I technically live in Toronto?""

My son who is 17 has to appear in the magistrates court for driving my car without a full licence or insurance?

He has never been in any sort of trouble before and is usually a good kid. What sort of punishment can we expect to receive? We are soo afraid! We are in the UK

Malpractice Insurance?

How much do Cardiothoracic surgeons have to pay in malpractice insurance. Are there certain rates for different specialties?

Proof of insurance for a road test?

i have a road test and the dmv requires a proof of insurance i don't have insurance so does the person im supposed to go with, only my dad has an insurance on the car but he will be away on that day. Can i just go to the dmv and show them my dad's insurance without him being there?""

How much will it cost to insure my printing company?

I am doing a project for school and we are starting up a photo/poster printing business. Before I try reaching out to various insurance companies, I was wondering if anyone knew a ballpark figure of how much insurance would be? thanks""

Which insurance companies will let me drive other cars whilst fully comp at 21?

Does a spoiler on a car raise the insurance?

does having a spoiler on a car made it into a sports car and thus raise insurance?

What is the best and cheapest company for motorcycle insurance?

I am a rider with 10 years of driving experience but my license lapsed and I was forced to start over as a new driver (M1 graduated liecense). I'm married, in my 30's, I drive a 1999 Yamaha YZF R-6 and have never made any claims.""

Insurance and a newborn??

I am so confused about how my baby (due july 7th..i know im really pushin it)... is going to have insurance right when he is born? I am covered on my moms insurance plan which covers her dependents. But it wont cover my dependents. When i call an insurance company and try to set it up to where the insurance will go into effect the day my son is born, the insurance says they dont do that and to call the day he is born to start the process but the process takes two weeks.. WHAT COVERS HIM THE FIRST 2 WEEKS???? please help =)""

How can I make sure the Insurance company declares my car totaled if it received enough damage?

My boyfriend fell asleep while driving and damaged my car pretty badly. It got towed because it is not drivable at this point. This happened on Friday morning, and today, Monday, I got a call from my insurance asking me to find a mechanic for the repairs. Then he followed by asking if I knew where the car was. Isnt he supposed to get an estimate of the car before he decides if its worth any repairs? Or is that my job? Also, Im afraid that the mechanic will just fix the car to please the insurance company, but Id rather the car just get totaled. I dont want to have future problems because it is my understanding that the transmission got pulled out. Im not sure what to do. Im thinking of just choosing the dealerships collision department for the repairs. How do I make sure that if the car has too much damage, it is declared totaled?""

Wrong birthdate on auto insurance?

my parents wont help me out with insurance, i bought my own car, i have a full time job and i am really responsible. i am 4 months from being 18 and need to get auto insurance for my new car. i live out on my own already and handle everything by myself. Do I have any options with auto insurances that would take a 17 year old in washington state. OR what would happen if I put I was one year older for the next four months than changed it? Does the insurance company verify?""

I want to start baby sitting do i need insurance?

im going to take a baby sitting course and use it to make a little extra money, i plan to go to the child's home to look after them in the evenings and i was wondering if i needed to get any sort of insurance. i like in the uk if that makes any difference.""

Question about car insurance for young people?

I am nearing the end of my driving lessons and i am seriously thinking about cars.Can someone tell me a list of cars that are cheap to insure for a 17 year old male?Also my Mother told me that when i pass my driving test and get a car i will be going under her insurance policy and she said that it will be a lot cheaper than getting insured by myself.So my question is , is it better to get insured under a parents name so it will be considerably cheaper also i want to pay monthly for insurance and not yearly.Also what cars are generally cheap to insure under a parents name for a 17 year old? Thank You.""

If you decided to stop paying for car insurance does the company have the right to charge you for?

the last month you had it even though it was 10 days before it was due that I canceled it?

""Where do i get cheap car insurance after passing my test at 17yrs old, thanks?""

Where do i get cheap car insurance after passing my test at 17yrs old, thanks?""

Does insurance cost more on a dodge truck with a hemi?

Versus the base 4.7L. The truck is a 2006 if that makes a difference.

How do I go about this? Car insurance for myself and get the car in my name?

My mom is giving me her old car. She has it in her name, and I want to put it in my own name with my own car insurance. I'm moving out so this is the reason for it. I live in Florida.""

auto insurance quotes florida

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/complaint-car-insurance-company-william-riley/"

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jakehglover · 7 years

Text

The Healing Power of Nature

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By Dr. Mercola

For most people in the U.S., life is easier than it was 50 years ago. Automation, transportation, communication and information are much more sophisticated now than they were then. At the touch of a button or the sound of your voice, nearly anything considered imperative for survival is available, instantly. But there are plenty who will tell you that, in comparison, life today isn't better; it's simply faster.

Behavioral scientists of every stripe are becoming more vocal in the observation that at the same rate that efficiency has been increased, something else has been lost.

More than a few people will say they experience a vague feeling of unease and even anxiety with anything too far removed from their creature comforts. Florence Williams, author of "The Nature Fix," contends that part of the angst stems from a disconnectedness from nature. People often choose what's familiar and nature has become a foreign commodity.

A century ago, and even half that, people had a much greater opportunity to explore nature, or at least be outdoors more often and for longer periods than they do today. Then, people shopped in stores instead of online.

For many people under the age of 30, you'll notice a certain unwillingness to detach from the "familiar" known as technology (or at least cell service). After-school activities once involved outdoor recreation with others, rather than engaging in solitary bouts of online isolation.

Williams observes that one of the symptoms of "mass generational amnesia enabled by urbanization and digital creep" is that kids in both the U.S. and the U.K. spend about half the time outdoors that their parents did a few generations ago. Today, even out of school, about seven hours of kids' days are spent head down, staring at a screen.

Where We've Come From and Where We're Going

As a result of what she termed our "epidemic dislocation from the outdoors," Williams listed problems like vitamin D deficiency, obesity, depression, loneliness and anxiety. But there are other, unforeseen and increasingly common consequences, according to MinnPost's Earth Journal:

"These include the disorders mentioned above and a wide range of others — mostly mental but some physiological — with roots in the particular stresses of the modern, high-pressure, ever-accelerating lifestyle, which is pursued largely indoors and may be especially problematic for the youngest among us."1

It's hard to believe that so few health authorities have been able to project where the fascination with technology in its many forms would take society as a whole. Not that there's anything inherently wrong with technology; the bigger problem is that so few people realize what it's replacing. But if you've never had something, it's hard to know what you're missing. Our collective myopic drive to succeed and sometimes just survive can blur our focus.

We've become, C.S. Lewis noted, "like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea."2 Exacerbating the problem is that with every high school graduating class, we're that much further away from what our parents, grandparents and generations before us knew — that nature, the essence of the living world and the wonders it holds — may be far more crucial for our physical, spiritual and emotional survival than we realize.

Modern Life: The Physical, Emotional and Spiritual Toll

Williams noted a link between what's become an almost absent drive to connect with nature and the onset of the aforementioned chronic ailments (and unfortunately, that's just the short list). She asserts that while most of us are busy making the proverbial mud pies:

"We don't experience natural environments enough to realize how restored they can make us feel, nor are we aware that studies also show they make us healthier, more creative, more empathetic and more apt to engage with the world and with each other. Nature, it turns out, is good for civilization."3

Put another way, the ease and comfort generally recognized as a residual of "success" has come with a price, but unless individuals, families, towns and whatever entity "management" represents see the trend for what it is and do something to slow the leak, it will only get worse.

For some among us who've experienced some of the worst of what the world can throw at them, such as combat veterans who may or may not exhibit visible injuries, the power of nature is being used as one of the most restorative therapies — far better than drugs and, in some cases, more effective than counseling.

An Idaho-based nonprofit group called Higher Ground4 offers veterans suffering from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) opportunities to experience "therapeutic adventure," believing the sensory elements of nature can reduce trauma. But the scientific explanations are imprecise. Williams quoted Stacy Bare, one of Higher Ground's coordinators:

"I think we all believe in the power and mystery of the great outdoors, but these are difficult things to quantify by science. Is it difficult to do a double-blind control study in nature? Very. I don't think we have to hit that standard, but we have to have a more systematic approach to how we evaluate the effects of the outdoors."5

How Can Nature Fix What's Broken?

Rather than going on about the detriments of modern life on the human psyche, suffice it to say that all over the world, the disconnect between modern life and the great outdoors hasn't gone unnoticed. In some areas, researchers, naturalists and city planners are remedying the shortfalls in novel ways, Williams observed, such as in:

Scotland, where poor people in Glasgow slums have been studied in regard to the harm suffered as a result of their disconnect from nature.

Japan, a therapeutic practice called "forest bathing" is designed to reduce stress, increase immunity and even help manage diabetes.6 One study explains how being in or viewing plants, flowers, urban green spaces and natural wooden materials helps people relax, lower heart rates and blood pressure.7 Even in the U.S., forest bathing clubs have popped up, including in areas such as San Francisco, where members convene to slowly make their way through forests and indulge fully in the natural world.8

Finland, showing that parks designed to arouse visitors' connection to the natural world with ancient woodland settings helps arouse intense encounters called metsänpeitto, which means "covered by the forest."

Singapore, which has the third-highest population density in the world, is being upscaled by urban planners to create a green infrastructure using green walls and vertical gardens, some of which produce food.

Sweden, where a unique therapy "nature-based rehabilitation" garden in an all-weather, glass greenhouse was made available for patients disabled by work-related stress. The nature-based rehabilitation program affects the outcome with regard to return to work one year after.9

There are even volatile compounds called phytoncides released from trees10 that have been shown to reduce stress hormones and anxiety while improving blood pressure and immunity, according to Dr. Eva Selhub, a lecturer in medicine at Harvard Medical School and a clinical associate of the Massachusetts General Hospital.11

The Healing Power of Gardens, Even in Hospitals

Embracing nature is therapeutic in ways that can't be explained. Scientific American cites a 1984 study conducted by environmental psychologist Roger Ulrich,12 the first to use scientific measurements to show how powerful something as seemingly innocuous as a hospital garden can be in speeding patients' healing time, no matter the illness:

"Ulrich and his team reviewed the medical records of people recovering from gallbladder surgery at a suburban Pennsylvania hospital. All other things being equal, patients with bedside windows looking out on leafy trees healed, on average, a day faster, needed significantly less pain medication and had fewer postsurgical complications than patients who instead saw a brick wall."13

Whereas most physicians saw the noisy, smelly, notoriously distressing "disorienting mazes" as an unfortunate and unalterable reality in most hospitals prior to the study, Ulrich's research was deemed groundbreaking. Since then, it's been proven that even a few minutes of viewing trees, flowers and water can improve patients physiologically.

In fact, garden views and garden-like alcoves strategically placed throughout hospital settings were shown to reduce anger, anxiety and pain and help patients, visitors and hospital employees relax.

Improvements were noted in peoples' blood pressure, muscle tension, heart and electrical brain activity. Also, according to Scientific American,14 research shows that incorporating a design with hospital patients in mind calls for a number of factors to help bring the "healing" into garden settings:

Keeping it green, ensuring that layered landscapes including shade trees, flowers and shrubs at various heights take up 70 percent of the space, with 30 percent as concrete walkways and plazas.

Keep it real, as "Abstract sculptures do not soothe people who are sick or worried."

Easy accessibility, with easy-to-open doors, and being located in close proximity to patients.

Engaging multiple senses so that garden elements can be not just viewed but touched, smelled and heard, but in the background and not too overwhelming.

Navigable walkways that wheelchairs and people accompanied by IV poles can walk though comfortably, with paving seams no further than one-eighth of an inch apart to prevent tripping.

The Science of Grounding: Getting Down to Earth

When your skin comes into contact with the Earth, such as when you walk barefoot through a lush meadow or on a sandy beach, there's more to the experience than just a sense of relaxation and well-being. It's a scientific study in the way your body is wired to be electrical.

Research is emerging in some of the most surprising places, indicating that there's more to "earthing" or "grounding" than meets the eye. Because the Earth carries an electron-rich, negative charge, it provides a powerful and abundant supply of antioxidant electrons that effectively zap free radicals.

When your bare feet come into contact with the ground, you absorb large amounts of negative electrons through your soles that's sufficient enough to maintain your body at the same negatively charged electrical potential as the Earth. In this way, your contact with nature is more than emotional or spiritual, although it can be those things; coming into close physical contact with the Earth — the essence of nature — is also physiological. It brings healing in ways that are quantifiable.

How to Go 'Earthing' for Health Benefits

James Oschman, an expert in the field of energy medicine, with a bachelor's degree in biophysics and a Ph.D. in biology from the University of Pittsburgh in Pennsylvania, observed that grounding is especially beneficial for fighting inflammation, which is at the root of nearly every disease and disorder. Oschman and his colleagues listed a number of ways grounding imparts dramatic health advantages, including:

Improved sleep

More rapid wound healing

Reduced stress

Reduced pain

Reduced blood viscosity

Maybe your schedule somehow makes it impossible to take a three-week vacation to the Bahamas, or even a one-week excursion to the nearest mountains or wooded areas, but if you value your health and the health of your family, you should give nature a better chance at being a part of your lifestyle.

An hour after work, a half-hour during lunch time, a day off or weekends spent in close contact with trees, flowers, flowing water and the sound of birds will lead to improvements in your psyche, your attitude and your overall health that may surprise you. In addition, Selhub recommends being mindful when you're in nature and bringing more nature into your life by:15

"Go[ing] crazy with the plants," adding them to your office, home or anywhere you spend a lot of time

Finding a room with a view of nature whenever possible, and when it's not, adding photos of nature to your space

Considering a meditation retreat that involves spending time in nature, which has been found to be "moderately to largely effective in reducing depression, anxiety, stress and in ameliorating the quality of life of participants"16

Combining your workouts with nature by doing them outdoors; exercising in the woods, for instance, decreases fatigue and increases positive mental thoughts and feelings of invigoration compared to exercising on a treadmill17

Connecting with nature via your diet. "Think about bringing nature into your body, especially if you can't get out into nature on a regular basis. Eat foods that are naturally available on this earth … Even better, plant your own vegetables if you can — you'll get the combined benefits of eating healthy, spending time in nature, and getting some exercise."18

You can also try starting a journal to track how you feel when you start and make a concerted effort to get in touch with nature. You may find yourself recording improvements that go far beyond the physical, positively influencing your work environment, relationships and above all, inner peace.

from HealthyLife via Jake Glover on Inoreader https://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2018/01/25/healing-power-of-nature.aspx

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