#and ive had so many horrible things happen this past year because im trans and it feels so hopeless no matter how coherent my yaps are

[messrsrarchives]

hi it's sappy hours. i've spent an hour sat in front of the mirror sobbing and i just. i don't say enough how much this space helps me.

because i see the dms and i see the comments and i see how safe people feel. and i talk to people who are questioning or i help people literally draft their coming out letters/texts and i always say "it's nothing !! don't worry !! it's nothing :D !!"

but it's actually everything because this is the only space i really have where i can be Robyn and i know i come on and talk about trans things in a coherent way and i seem really confident and like i've got it all figured out but i spend most nights either scrolling apps aimlessly for a bit of hope or i'm sat on call with helplines for hours and then suddenly it's 9am and it's time to Face The World again.

and idk. rambling here but everything sucks and every day for the past like,,, six months has been so difficult. and i don't say enough how much this space and my tiktok space help me too and i just 🫂🫂 it helps so fucking much i hope yall know that. i love yall.

[laverrez]

it's so interesting to look back at the past few years and how drastically ive changed. at the beginning of covid, i was in college and heavily under the grip of my alt-right qanon family. i was openly trans and queer at school, but my opinions on politics and gun control and the upcoming election and covid and police- they were all bad, terrible reflections of how incredibly carefully they cultivated my experience of media and discouraged any exploration i might have wanted to do. i couldnt for the life of me understand why i was having an impossible time connecting and socialising with other queers attending my college, while wearing one of those stupid copaganda blue stripe flag masks, not to mention the fact i'd take it off the moment i stepped outside regardless of proximity to others.

i was so ridiculously blind to how awful that was. my mindset was twisted to think masks were horrible dangerous things because my mother refused to wear one and wouldnt let me, either- i thought it made sense to avoid covering my face because it stunted my breathing, which is already difficult because of asthma. i thought the stupid pro-cop things were fine because my mom had been a cop, and when i was a small pale blonde southern baptist child, i had experiences where cops were directly beneficial in making sure i was safe, or so it seemed. i thought four more years of trump couldnt be too bad when the alternative was a bad that was unknown. i thought everyone (without a history of violence or unstable mental conditions) should have a gun for their own protection, and that violent protests were harmful to their causes.

all of those past beliefs make me want to cringe backwards because they're so horrendously bad and hollow even in their 'defenses' that i always held ready. i dont truly blame myself for them, because it was beyond unsafe for me to have any other opinions in the boondocks of the appalachian mountains. especially at home, when my family was abusive and any extra reason to make them question me couldve spelled any number of harm.

my intention isnt to defend myself for being pickme. i can acknowledge there were ways to be silently educated and not spread harm and misinformation, or bolster a lot of the idiots that i did in their own harmful beliefs. i shouldve been, but i have an incredible toughness at keeping my mouth shut when i form strong values, and that's exactly what's happened as ive become more educated. im not tolerant of the hate and the stupidity anymore, and existing in that state while at home wouldve been dangerous, so i chose my priorities while having a vague awareness that i was doing something wrong without fully knowing why.

i regret that, genuinely. hindsight tells me i only hurt myself further by being cowardly, and that i caused harm to my community, too. it's incredibly liberating now, as an adult, to be able to stay educated (as i possibly can, without further blowing my mental health to shreds). to be able to be vocal about how wrong i was, and how wrong so many things are right now. to be able to feel indignant and angry at everything that's happening to people all across the states, across a country i was always told to be proud of and used to want to defend, but now cannot see a single thing good enough to balance even a sliver of all the bad. to be able to do good where i can to try to fix what harm i caused. to just do good for the sake of helping people that are hurt by this horrible government that's stomping on us.

i have come a long way, but i still have a long way to go. some of the progress is new, very new- but im doing my best to educate myself on the fact that ALL cops *ARE* bad, regardless, that the only reason anyone would need a gun for safety in the first place is because our country is so unbelievably unsafe for anyone who isnt an allocishet white man, and that violent protests are the only way to get anything done and have historically been what leads to positive change. im finding myself more and more passionate about these things all the time, and im so glad that im able to watch the people around me and learn from them. im thankful for the people who have been patient with me. i look forward for all the progress im to make in the future.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

speaking of, 2 concrete things i’d actually want out out of the future is top surgery & a legal name change. its some bs that even though this is something i want its not currently something i can anticipate/look forward to/feel like i can expect to happen

another thing thats wild is that ive really wanted these things even before it became related to noncis reasons. like, for what my legal name is now, ive actually always hated being called it for my whole life. in a way, ive never even really considered it my name. it isnt my “real name,” and i wouldn’t even use the term deadname for it, as that implies it was ever alive for me, which it wasnt. and i used to feel like the way your “legal name” gets automatically used in many scenarios was just an annoyance, but now i can’t tolerate it in the least.

as for top surgery, i’ve also always wished i were flatchested, and i am not, to the degree that loose clothes won’t do much for me and bras pretty much have to have underwire and no stores carry a genuinely proper fit (which is true for most people but some more than others). but again even way back in the day i wanted to be permanently flatchested. there are some experiences i cannot imagine for myself, such as thinking rain is depressing even tho apparently so many ppl do its taken for granted, or becoming irritable b/c you havent had lunch yet. another one is hoping to have a less flat chest. i never felt even an inkling of that or could understand it in the least. and you know when awful moms write horrible self-involved thinkpieces about their trans child with handwringing about how they can’t imagine wanting top surgery for themselves and cant deal with their child wanting it? and theyll just go on about how for them having breasts is essential and some critical part of their identity and sexuality and i am like. first of all shut up and secondly what the fuck are you talking about b/c i can tell you i cant imagine having some kind of crisis over being flat. guess you arent allowed to be cis until i can figure out how to empathize lol

honestly i can be a like. super analytical person and i think part of it is that even as a kid i wasnt seeing it as some sort of crucial thing about Maturity or guys being all hot for you because i was busy noticing how its guys being real predatory at you and how someone with breasts becomes an object and in general the weird cultural fetishizing of non-flat breasts just makes me uncomfortable now same as then, whether i had them or not. i say non flat because spoilers everyone has breasts. same structure, different development in different people. and you know, it is awful even for cis girls, if you read about people who started developing larger breasts at a younger age as per starting puberty earlier, and having to suddenly deal with grown men already staring at their chests and harassing them and etc. its bad enough getting that treatment at any age, much less when you’re like, 9.

so anyways. i’m not always plagued w dysphoria or anything, but i want to be flatchested. and the concept that to be not straight or not cis, you have to basically have no choice...like you must have constant and torturous dysphoria and oh god if only you could be cis but this is forcing you at gunpoint to be otherwise! like umh no but i WANT to have top surgery and that should be and is good enough. and i would even tolerate the surgery part coz like...i have a sort of aversion to like, being stabbed, even tho obviously, logically, surgery is controlled and not actually harmful, but still. knives! but actually at this point what bothers me more now is that i dont trust bitches. like some people would consider it harmless if ppl say some disrespectful blasé shit about you if you’re passed out, but i don’t, and i dont even only apply that to myself. shut tf up about other patients. and like i said the fucked up degree to which breasts are fetishized so that theyre basically considered to make you a sexual object and to even see someones breasts as a straight dude is to have diminished and gotten the upper hand on someone...shits fucked up. like, Reverse Sexism is real coz i can see myself being way more comfortable not having a dude doing my top surj, which i will probably never get to have anyhow, but it is at least a bonus to know that i would want it. im even more reverse sexist because i wouldnt want a dude nads doctor either, if i ever went to one. but i do not think that that kind of preference is unfounded, especially since there’s really sooo many ways that even the most basic and routine medical treatment can be a bad experience for patients because their own specific wants and needs arent listened to and not all doctors and nurses ought to even have that job and really awful shitty things can happen to people, even endangering them, because they arent given a basic level of respect

anyways.....i have a real name and its not whats “legally” recorded and i also wish i could expect to have top surgery but for starters i have to be able to expect i’ll be alive and for the past however many years i have not been afforded that assumption

[heavyyhearts-blog]

https://byf.tumblr.com/post/163680331020/last-thing-im-posting-about-this-heres-ayas

“if i made it sound like you did similar stuff to every single one of these people it wasn’t my intention. however in the past you have gone in depth about jess, and how she left you “when you needed her most and fucked you up more,” and you have told me winter backed her up when she left you. whether you’re intentionally like this or not, you’ve been toxic and manipulative enough unintentionally that you’ve made multiple people also stressed and hurt. however you’ve had this pointed out to you, that you can be to much, and that you do these things. yet you still do them because “you can’t help it.” i understand fully that bpd fucking sucks, and that it affects your relationships. but if you’ve already had these things pointed out to you, you need to work on them, and you’re not. “

i have been working on them though? the problem is that you literally didn't tell me that i had been the way i had been. and on the issue with jess specifically? how i acted around her was EXTREMELY different to how i acted towards you. how i acted towards jess was, not only several years ago, but a lot more awful. the entire situation was awful, really. we were both like, 13 or 14, somewhere around there. i was approaching a point in my life where i was beginning to have nonstop problems with my abusive parents that made my life even more of a 24/7 suicidal nightmare than it already had been.

on top of the fact that i had began showing many extreme symptoms of bpd. and the thing about it was? i literally did not know what bpd even was. i didnt know there was a reason for how i ended up acting. i felt so horrible and disgusting every single day of my life for the things i had been doing, but i had no way of stopping them. i was 13. i was going through too much. this was also when i started realizing i was trans and dealing with the backlash on that from my parents.

what did i do? i yelled at her constantly and split on her constantly. every single tiny thing she would do wrong, would get me so extremely irrationally pissed off and i couldnt control myself. i literally, could not control myself. i tried so many stupid bullshit plans to make myself stop doing all thse shitty things but none of it worked and itw as too much for her. i would love her so much one minute and then literally hate her and everything she stood for the next and i was so constantly afraid of every tiny little thing just changing my mood over and over again. i was extremely dependant and needy and i had no control over my moods and i had no idea what was happening i had no idea she was my fp or what bpd even was.i was just all around horrible to her with no way of stopping. it was at that point in time where i would need time and separation from her to ever not do those things again.

and im 99% sure i already told you this. again, how i acted towards jess was nothing like how i acted towards you, and how i acted towards her was never inentional either. in that way, ive definitely gotten better, because i have never been as bad as i was with her since.

“ whether you’re intentionally like this or not, you’ve been toxic and manipulative enough unintentionally that you’ve made multiple people also stressed and hurt. however you’ve had this pointed out to you, that you can be to much, and that you do these things. yet you still do them because “you can’t help it.” i understand fully that bpd fucking sucks, and that it affects your relationships. but if you’ve already had these things pointed out to you, you need to work on them, and you’re not. “

i dont even know what this "youve been told you can be toxic and manipulative and havent done anything about it." i? have? listen. i had no idea that i was ever being like how i was with YOU and possibly some others, i dont really remember. it was only when you literally made fun of me with a meme image that i realized i was getting like that at all. back with jess? i was violently, uncontrollably verbally abusive. like, flat out, name-calling shit, that i always felt so horrible for after i would inevitably calm down. like that wasnt being manipulative that was just verbal abuse, not the same thing. and the entire thing about that is, i dont do that anymore. part of when i say i've gotten better about things over the years, is that ive managed to get over that , and that im very luckily not that mentally unstable anymore. and you cant use jess to refer back to this "not getting better thing"

ever since i had been told that i was being manipulative unintentionally , i've tried very hard to not get like that, and, as far as im aware, i've done it a lot less, if at all. like. im working on it? ive even specifically told a lot of people how i had been acting so and that i can be oblivious and to please tell me if i ever get like that because i dont want to be like that. like literally forewarning people, just in case, even though ive already been way more cautious anyway and am pretty sure no ones told me that ive been so because i havent

also just as an example on this one of my friends just now brought up to me how i used to kinda flame them in league/get mad at them a lot and that i was scary like this, and now i dont do this anymore  i dont take my anger out on them like i used to, that was a problem i similarly had with jess before i can @ them if you really want me to. , ive also apologized for this and gotten better about it. i know i fuck up a lot

“ my point in gathering some of the more extreme things you did and posting them is that you were continuing to do things along those lines, albeit maybe not the same explicit things, but still manipulative/bad actions. you didn’t stop any of them until you were already splitting on me for drinking/having friends/etc. “

first of all youre still insisting ive been splitting on you for drinking/having friends or whatever. thats?? not why ive been i already said this?? i've been collectively splitting on you over time because of the nonstop problems we've had over all of these months. like ive literally been splitting because i havent been happy. and all the drinking shit etc/is just things that make it even easier for me to split, like, it's not like that's the sole reason i have been. if it had not been for all of these months of bad shit happening between us, i could probably easily cope with those things given time and conversations, but it doesnt even matter now.

and yes, even after i had been told, i still did some things. because it takes time? to get better? i cant fix myself instantly. like you literally cannot deny that i have gotten better about it. like im still sorry for everything i have done, it can be hard to control at times, that doesnt mean i cant help it

" i wasn’t necessarily calling you out for blocking me, i was putting that down as something you did even after you went around saying it was fucked up. my problem isn’t that you blocked me, its that i stopped doing that, and was ready to communicate, like we both agreed to, and then you went and blocked me out of no where, when you were telling people in a group chat, and probably people privately that i was so fucked up for “just ignoring you for days” i was “ignoring you for days” because i told you that i needed to cut you off and stop talking to you multiple times and you continued to beg and spam me, after i told you to stop. that’s what cutting you off is, and you didn’t respect that. you mentioned “compromising” but i wasn’t okay with that. i was at the point where i wanted you out of my life and you kept pushing, and then made me the bad guy by saying “MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!” i had made up my mind. and you continued to spam and beg me. i’m mentally ill too and you were too stressful for me, and i rarely had the energy that you needed. i explained that to you and you didn’t care. “

i dont know what youre referring to on “ and then made me the bad guy by saying “MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!” “

and i dont really have anything to say to this like. thats something i honestly cant help doing. i know that no matter what i do, it's going to be an "in the moment thing" should the same thing ever happen to me again, and that ill react the same way. people leaving me scares me too much. what i already said to this was that my solution to that problem was to restrict myself from getting too attached to people like i did with you. i got too attached to you. what happens when i get too attached, is i get too comfortable, i lose my filters, i act more impulsively, i do stupid things, and most importantly it would start making me have breakdowns i cant help should they ever leave, which is why i need to stop with having people become my fp. it's too dangerous for both people involved for me to get attached like that and its why ill stop doing that. ive learned that now.

“ the “out of context rant” was to show how you would react to me trying to cut you off. and thinking on it, it wasn’t fucked up for me to try and get you out of my life AGAIN. i was pissed and snapped because you were sitting there telling me i was becoming to reliant on alcohol for coping, when i had always drank. i just didn’t talk about it because you were uncomfortable about it. i could also already feel you becoming distant for that reason and others, and i (also having bpd.) felt shitty because i felt like you didn’t care and were replacing me. i decided that it was best for me to just remove myself from the situation. especially because it would also benefit you in that you didn’t have to deal with me drinking, because that’s not something i’m stopping. i could see that you at that point had other friends, and it was in both of our best interest to just get out of the toxic situation. which you then got mad at me and spammed me for, just like before. “

"which you then got mad at me and spammed me for, just like before. “

um lol as you can clearly see i got mad because you pulled the instant blocking without talking to me thing yet again, for reasons that didnt even make sense, like you said all this shit about "having a perfect image of you in my head" and whatever out of nowhere??? like it made no sense to me and made it seem even more ridiculous to me. as if that pissed off reaction was somehow unprovoked

“ and the problem with you saying “you should have just talked to me about it,” is anytime that i would talk about it you would breakdown and spam and beg me. “

???? what???? are you talking about when you would try to cut me off??? because you "talking about it" is just telling me "im done bye cant do it" then forcefully blocking me. and if youre referring to "talk to me about things im doing wrong," youre lying.

“ this whole paragraph is just. okay. i’m not expecting you to just “not split.” i’m asking you to just say, “hey i fucking hate you, it pisses me off seeing you, i’ve split so much, i can’t be around you, bye. block” “

this is just me being petty and pissed off and not caring enough to tell you given everything that's happened, i still dont care

“the bakugou thing; again it was more of a, this is the kind of shit they do/say. you did “apologize for it” and say that you didn’t care anymore. however you continuously do similar things, where you will push issues that. aren’t your business and that you really don’t need to know. “

yeah if i ever push things like that it's because it seriously bothers me and makes me beyond anxious that i will end up pushing it, because i dont know how else to calm down over it and stop thinking about it for days other than talking about it. even so you still tried to make me look bad by saying "when i cc’d bakugou and she tried to make me explain my trauma to make it Valid" ???

“ and yeah, you showed a personal confession from me that i said i crave something. that doesn’t mean i do it. it means i have those urges, not that i go through with them. but you got me. “

just trying to make you look bad :3

[gryffon]

gonna post that thing i wrote about my abusive ex, this isnt a callout but its just like, all the shit ive been wanting to say and havent felt like i could. gonna namedrop people, gonna not give a fuck, i cant cw for everything but there are rape mentions, physical assault mentions and like. general feelings that happen the wake of emotional abuse.

i dont check often but my ex has deleted the blog she was currently using, (@windowpainter or somethng. she was @hamgubber before, previously @miniaturehorse if anybody remembers from when we were totgether and would post on each others blogs nonstop lol) she has a history of lurking around and worming her way into befriending popular people in online subcommunities i am part of or adjacent to. i have not spoken to her since i realized she was abusive and started to try to pull out of our codependent dynamic. she panicked when i realized actions speak louder than words and her long winded apologies, excuses, and textbookish tripe about DBT and getting better or whatever meant nothing in the face of months of repeated lying, breaking of promises, degradation, disrespect to me as a person, disregard of my physical disabilities, insults, patronization, manipulation, multiple instances of cheating, antagonization, neglect, extortion and overall emotional abuse. when she caught wind that i was going to leave her she wrote me a series of emails totaling over 30,000 words, all varying from "i love you please dont leave me we can work this out. breaking up with me is weak." to "you are not a victim. you are not a victim. here is a categorized list of the ways in which you are abusive while i downplay my own behaviors and patronize you. here's an ultimatum and you are not allowed to respond with more than one sentence." to which i disregarded and wrote up a long, thoughtful reply and chose to never send, ending contact with her for good. this was like, 2013 or 2014.

she never called me out, and i never called her out despite giving very serious consideration to it. i was listening to the advice of my therapist at the time, who told me that she thrives on drama and spends her life constantly creating it, and to give her that kind of attention was exactly what she wanted and would only engage her more in my life and be more degrading to my mental health. the best course of action was to give her nothing, and not give her any more power or influence over me, any footholds or any more of my time, consideration, energy or thought. if anybody reading this has endured emotional abuse from somebody you love, you know it is extremely difficult to totally ignore somebody like this, especially when that person has isolated you from the majority of your support system and friends and you have shaped your entire identity around your relationship with your abuser. but i have followed my therapists advice. i have been working on moving on.

still, over the past few years ive had my mutuals contacted by her friends and told to stop talking to me. ive had people i follow put her and her friends on my dash, which up until recently would send me into a panic that lasted several hours. i have a lot of people in the lesbian/commie/leftist/trans/etc/whatever circles on tumblr who just like randomly have me blocked for no reason (since i dont give a fuck and im going for a spirit of total honesty here, ill name drop @butchcommunist, who she dated for a period of time iirc. a lot of my followeds and mutuals reblog from her. i made a point not to check either of their blogs after finding out but it was upsetting since i would see julia all over my dash. that connection still exists in my mind and its pretty upsetting.). ultimately, and rationally i know that these things do not matter that much. i have a vibrant, healthy and loving circle of friends outside of the internet/tumblr and some randos on the internet having me blocked doesn't really mean anything in the scheme of things. still, when this shit happened it felt terrifying and i was horrified, my emotions magnified by the effects of emotional abuse. despite my VERY intense urge for closure, i try to keep as far away from her as possible.

i gave this woman a year of my life that in my memory is defined by her. i was very madly in love and i spent countless hours at her beck and call, countless hours in calls and in text conversations with her, countless hours supporting her through breakdowns, countless hours talking through her fears and worries, countless hours defending her when she stirred up drama, countless hours defending her horrible behavior to my friends, countless hours rationalizing her abuse to myself and people who approached me with worry, countless hours loving her and wondering why it felt so horrifically painful to be with somebody who told you they wanted to spend the rest of their life with you. almost all the money i was making at the time was spent on her. i helped her move across the continent. i had her at my house for weeks. she fucking took out a loan from my mom. despite how big a role she played in my life, over the past 3 years since our falling out i have only checked her blog less times than i can count on my fingers, usually in moments of distress and in the spirit of self-destruction.

i know for a fact she has convinced her friends to check my blog for her god knows how many times, telling them about her fear of me as a 'dangerous person', that i’m going to call her out, her "fear" that im obsessing over her and am quietly plotting to ruin her life. she's scared for a good reason, but not because i'm an abusive bitter ex out on a smear campaign to slander her innocent name and ruin her life in the name of revenge. she's scared because she knows i have some undeniably serious receipts on her. i have receipts of her sending me a horrifying letter her ex had written her describing a graphic instance of a time my ex had raped her, and of her admitting outright to the rape. i have logs of her checking her rape victim's blog and telling me how exasperated she was her victim was still angry with her even after she apologized, and couldn't understand why her victim was stuck on her and wouldnt move on, going on to blame modern feminism and its tendency to portray abusers and rapists as incorrigible. i have receipts of her admitting to perpetrating emotional and physical abuse in her previous relationships, like an instance where she describes losing control of herself and beating her ex senselessly. i have talked with exes, who confirm stories she had told me where she would cut her arms in her presence, deep enough that her life was at risk, and then refuse to go to the hospital, leaving her girlfriend to either bandage and tend to her wounds or else my ex would bleed out and die. those are just the more horrific ones. i have many receipts that document her emotional abuse towards me as well, which im barely even getting into here. i know plenty of other people have experiences with her and accounts of interacting with her that undeniably portrays her as a serial abuser, rapist, and extortionist and exposes the falsehood of her charming and intelligent persona.

several times i have considered calling her out because she has proven herself beyond a doubt that she is a serial abuser who leaves a trail of burning bridges in her wake. i have no doubts that the evidence i have against her is completely solid, and her claims of my status as an abuser that she perpetuates to her friends are built on pillars of sand. i am not afraid of anything she could bring to the table anymore. i have spoken quite a bit with exes and ex friends (some of which sided with her during our breakup and who eventually ended up cutting off, and we reconnected with years after), and they all suggest the same shit. she is manipulative to her very core and will not stop hurting and using people until she dies.

these are big claims and again, this isn't a callout and the reason im not providing the logs is because im just trying to get out my thoughts in an honest way and im not trying to make a case about anything. this is cathartic. im so fucking tired of feeling like its a secret. i dont even know what blog shes using or whatever and while that scares me, i don't care anymore. people who are still semi-big names in the online communities i drift around in still have me blocked and a lot of times i wish i could message them and tell them "hey, you know she's wrong, and i have absolute proof." but my self worth is high enough that i dont need to go around convincing every single rando who doesn't like me that im a good person, not to mention the risk of indirect contact through those who's lives she is still present in.

for a long time the way i coped was by holding onto the idea that she would apologize to me, and i could finally have closure. she apologized to the ex i mentioned earlier, and because of that i hoped she would grow enough as a person to realize that there is literally no way any rational being could look at our relationship and say that, yeah, i was the one hurting her. apparently thats too much credit to give her, and i realize she only apologized to her ex because she wanted me to think she was changing, growing and a good person at heart who just had a rough past. after enough time, enough conversations with people who she was previously close to, i have accepted that she will never truly dedicate herself to getting better. she will always be using people, always be hurting people, always lying, always hypocritical, always disingenuous and always covering her ass by hiding under the language of victimhood, trauma, recovery, self-improvment, DBT, and therapy to convince her victims that her offences are missteps in her journey to improvement. 

this isn't a callout, this isn't meant to be circulated as a warning, this isn't meant to be any sort of vengeance or crusade. i dont even think shes fuckin on tumblr anymore lol. i don't care anymore. i dont care what people take this as. this is me writing an honest, open, reflective, cathartic processing of the scenario that impacted my teenage years so severely.  this isnt concise or well written and i dont need it to be. i've spent too many years wanting to talk about this, needing to process it more openly, but being riddled with horrific anxiety and fear, worrying about her and her social influence and her ability to impact my life. but its been a long time. ive worked hard at this. ive worked hard to get past this. ive worked hard to learn how to be with people who will treat me with kindness. i needed to write this and i needed to post this without editing every sentence a thousand times. this is largely unedited. i dont care if this makes me look pathetic or obsessed with her ive been letting these feelings stir for years and im just ready to breathe again.

if you want to talk about this post DM me or whatever. if you know her and think its all bullshit and you want logs, sure. i dont have anything to hide anymore. her name is viv and she is the worst person i have ever met and i feel sorry that i gave her so much of my love. thanks.