#and its just been a little hard and I've been very exhausted physically and emotionally

[kurthorton-moving]

Im not gonna be doin replies tonight i dont think, may make some gifs?? But just kinda feeling uh. Very Bad so who knows

[lunaprincipessa]

ENTRY THIRTY-SIX

Struggling a lot lately with the thought and feeling of being broken. What exactly is it though? I can feel it through and through but putting into words is something else. I looked up a random definition. It said:

"People who feel emotionally broken have low self-esteem and tend to be unhappy. You may feel hopelessness or in despair. Perhaps you feel inadequate or unworthy of love. Of course, none of these things are true, but they are common for people who believe they are broken."

That's pretty much how I would describe what I'm going through. I don't have a healthy self-image and any joy I come across in life is often overshadowed by fear and sadness. There is disparity and hopelessness because... what if it's too late? I feel inadequate in a lot of aspects in life and yes, I feel unworthy of love most of the time despite how badly I wish and long for it. As far as the definition goes, is that it? I looked up another definition. It said:

"The terminology of "broken soul" may refer to someone experiencing mental or emotional instability due to their life experiences or past trauma. Signs of a "broken soul" include someone who wants to be alone, has low self-esteem or self-worth, and may feel unworthy of being loved."

Ok, so there's a little more detail, and one that I also resonate with. On a more philosophical side, I believe the flesh can be broken but not the soul. That's a whole other entry though. Continuing on... I admit to, and acknowledge my mental and emotional instability due to life experience and trauma. About 80% of my life so far has been rotten between physical abuse, rape, getting stolen from, being cheated on, an immense amount of loss (both loved ones and sentimental items), betrayal, working hard since the age of 14 yet having nothing to show for it, and circumstances beyond my control robbing me of much needed life-changing opportunities. That's just to name a few.

Life has not been easy for me, amongst millions of others that have experienced the same thing. True, no one said life would be fair, but no one warned us about how severely it can beat you down, doesn't matter if you're a good person. In fact, being a good person only guarantees you'll suffer more than the average. I do want to be alone but that's because of trust issues. I want a significant other, I want friends, I want that sense of community more than anything else but I've been hurt so damn much, I don't even know if I can trust it when it does come around. It's a very lonely and exhausting thing to go through. Again with the self-esteem and self-worth, to which I have none.

I feel as though middle age and being a single mother has caused me to lose value as a human being. American society certainly doesn't help with its hatred against single mothers and the passiveness toward the men who abandoned their families. I know I can love and care for someone, but am I even worthy of it in the first place? This is my struggle, the battle I fight with an unsharpened sword and a cracked shield. I was never prepared for what I endured, or the aftermath afterward.

These are the definitions I found searching for just that, "broken person definition," or "what makes a broken person?" What if I changed the key words in the search? How about, "how do I know if I'm broken?" It said:

"Feeling overwhelming sadness, stress, or having altered eating or sleeping patterns are common in people who express feeling broken or after something traumatic had happened. Some people report feeling physical symptoms, such as body aches and digestive issues."

Yes to all unfortunately. The sadness and stress is immobilizing to say the least. Makes me want to give up and lose interest in general. The trauma and the unmedicated ADHD is forever fucking with my eating and sleep patterns. Some days, I can't be bothered with solid food if I forget, if l don't care, or if the lack of self-esteem internally screams insults at me, causing unhealthy weight loss. Our generation didn't have the body positively that younger women have today. The aches, the exhaustion, the stomach issues... all gifts from trauma and a rough fuckin life. Thanks. 😑 As if the experiences themselves weren't enough to go through, here comes life with a handful of salt for the open wounds.

I keep going though. I just pick up the broken pieces and I keep going. I have no idea what the future holds or if there's really any point to anything but I keep going. I have to. We gotta fight for our kids and we gotta outlive our enemies. Because that is the real revenge against anything or anyone that ever tried to hurt us, thriving.

More thoughts later.

[boop-le-snoot]

PARTY FAVOURS I CHAPTER 32

💖 first time reader click here 💖

Summary: Stephen Strange being a grown-up. Reader being a grown-up. Kind of. Revenge plot starts now - don't be like the mercenary, don't threaten reader's family. Avengers being good.. bros? Good found family idk. More smut + plot coming soon.

The silence hung awkwardly over us. Stephen wasn't the one to wax poetics, usually, and I wasn't in the mood to do anything but curl up somewhere warm, chug a bottle of liquor and fall asleep. Sleep is like death without the committment and after my little outburst, I inwardly prayed and begged for the ground to open up and swallow me whole. Instead, I was directed to sit and drink my tea by the sorcerer, who, by the way, was beginning to look like a kicked puppy.

It was starting to become unbearable. "I'm listening," I finally croaked out, shocked at how raspy my voice sounded. As if someone had forced me to choke on some nails - and I felt like it, too. My hands were shaking, all but spilling the hot tea onto them.

"Princess..." His mouth did the thing when he was worried, lips pursed, their corners upturned. "What we did was not... Right, you were drugged without your consent. I am sure Tony feels the same way."

My eyebrows rose, words bubbling up to the surface as I fought the urge to simply start calling Stephen some strong names. Had he been blind the whole time I flirted with him, had he not seen both me and Tony ogling him when we thought nobody could see? Every time I joked about the sexual tension between them - you know what they say, every joke has a little bit of truth in it.

Or maybe the sorcerer had used the incident as a convenient excuse for our little fuck-fest to be a one-time thing? I expected more, I won't lie, but I wouldn't put it above him. I knew all too well that some men tended to simply... Avoid.

I was angry, probably rightfully so, but it was not the time for me to comfort an adult man. My own life was going to shit, I had no mental energy to unburden his baseless guilt. It was selfish and it made me feel even more like shit, but it was as if someone had flipped a switch inside of me. I just didn't care about someone's heartbreak. I needed to solve another problem, a much bigger than a man that couldn't make up his mind.

I had to find that damn mercenary. It was the only real threat hanging over our heads; unlike any mission that I've seen the team go on before, they had thrown all the forces into catching the man that had gotten into their safe space, their home. That threatened to take what they thought as theirs. Long gone were the days of comfortable domesticity.

"Okay," I replied, nodding curtly. "I wanted it, if it helps any. I thought you were attractive the first day I saw you." I spoke bluntly, beginning to feel like myself more and more with each word that I spoke. "And again, no strings have to be attached. I'm sure Tony will understand it too, it's not his first rodeo."

Stephen's head shot up from where he was examining his clasped hands, to study me with furrowed brows. Cloaky moved where it was wrapped around me, attracting the sorcerer's attention - I, unfortunately, did not understand the Cloak's sign language and what it told Stephen remained a mystery to me. I was just delighted to be out of the cold and and wet clothes.

"I think you misunderstood me," Stephen eyed me with surprise. "I want more, but..." He trailed off, unsure. "I don't know. I'm surprised Banner hasn't gone green on me yet. I'm a doctor, I should have known..."

So, he was pulling a me and wallowing in pity. Is this really how pathetic I looked when I used to mope around the house earlier? No wonder my mother thinks I'm a baby. "Stephen, I'm really not in the mood to listen to bullshit. I wanted it, you wanted it, great, we can move on. Because with everything that has happened to me, I really have no energy to convince you I like you even while sober when you're sabotaging yourself." Sure, I might have ripped off the motivational speech from a self-help book my mother used to have laying around. My patience was wearing thinner with each second. "There, I said it. I like you, my boyfriends like you, you're welcome to the club if you decide to believe the fact that I am telling the truth." And if he wouldn't, well, I could get over it. I was planning to never act upon my feelings for both Tony and Bruce, it hadn't been as hard as I thought it would be. Especially with me being busy enough to just ignore the feelings.

At some point, I had grown attached to Stephen. Perhaps, if I and Tony hadn't decided to mess around with the sorcerer at the party, my feelings wouldn't have bloomed into anything more than physical attraction. Murphy's law had a particularly strong affinity on me, I noticed, because over and over I found myself falling head over heels for emotionally unavailable men. It worked out with Tony, which wasn't as surprising as one might expect, considering we're two halves of a whole idiot, but then Bruce also decided to pucker up - Stephen was bound to be the rock that I trip on.

Or not? Soft lips pressed against my forehead, beard hair softly tickling the tip of my nose. I was pressed against a solid chest, surrounded by warmth and comfort. "I'm sorry, I'm an idiot," Steph whispered, voice quivering.

"Well, it's not like this... Relationship... I've got going on is something commonplace," My arms wrapped around him, a deep sigh relaxing my body into his. "I'm sorry I yelled at you. It wasn't right."

Stephen chuckled, all but pulling me bodily into his lap. "Don't worry, Princess. I deserved it." As he spoke, the Cloak carefully unwrapped itself from me, drifting away with a parting pat on my back. "Now what happened with your parents?" Large palms pushed the hair out of my face, stormy blue eyes looking at me with worry.

"I should probably assemble all my significant others for this conversation," There was little enthusiasm in discussing the incident. I was an adult and had enough money to get by for a few months, at least until I could patent one of my inventions. I had plenty of knick-knacks that should be able to interest buyers, that much I knew, and while the legal side of the process was a blank slate to me, I knew I could be charismatic enough to have someone work it out for me.

"I don't think I'll be able to take Steve seriously when he says 'assemble', now," My third boyfriend chuckled, which - wow, I didn't have boyfriends and now I had three? Should I be considering opening a factory or something? Stephen adjusted his hold on me. "Let's go, I'll portal us in."

"My car's out there with all my stuff. I'll have to drive," I protested but made no move to get out of his lap.

"Tony is a billionaire, he can pay someone to retrieve it," Shrugging carelessly, he produced a golden circle of magic, the common room couch in plain sight at the other side of it. I heard voices and then Clint's head peaked through, a curiously tilted eyebrow morphing into full fledged face of confusion upon seeing the two of us.

Yikes. I had forgotten about the state of my dress and the bruise on my cheek. "Hey, bird. I need a drink," I said the first thing that popped into my mind, causing both Clint and Steph to laugh as the sorcerer carried me into the tower through the portal.

"I'm starting to think you go out there and look for trouble on purpose," The archer sighed, pulling out his phone and texting rapidly. Mine vibrated, too, once he was done, which meant he'd called for a family meeting. Blergh.

In no time, Tony appeared, dark circles under his eyes and yesterday's shirt on, towing a worried Bruce behind him. One after the other, the Avengers tickled in, looking restless and exhausted. Loki's frown was well on its way to becoming a full sneer.

"Talk, please," He requested, eyeing me with concern.

"Good news is I got our rogue wizard back," I poked Stephen in the chest. He was blushing. "Bad news is my mother threw me out and my father didn't pick up the phone, so technically I'm homeless and parent-less," I decided that spitting out straight facts was the easiest way to go about it. I mean, there was no good way to tell what I just told them.

The storm that I anticipated didn't appear. Just a lot of disappointed sighs all around, especially from Tony, who looked twenty years older after I'd confessed to the current state of my affairs. "You're not homeless, you live here," He pointed out, rubbing his face and muttering some very strong words under his nose. Particularly, the expressions involved my mother and various methods of fornication.

"We got your back, doll," Bucky nodded, coming over to wrap me in a gentle hug. He was like a brother from another mother to me at this point, kind and goofy and sensible. "I would propose to teaching that harpy a lesson but I think she's beyond it."

"Perhaps it's for the best," Loki mused suddenly. "If I recall correctly, your mother was against your career of choice, which is idiotic. Science is a noble and prospective path." The Asgardian, too, gave me a hug.

I wasn't crying! There were ninjas, in the vents, cutting onions! "Stop it guys, I'm gonna cry. I already look like shit!" The protest was silenced by Bruce's lips on mine, his tiny smile briefly covering my mouth with tenderness. After that, everybody somehow decided it was their job to try and make me cry; like a bad bitch, I resisted, but eventually broke and started sniffling when Tony began rambling about building me my own lab and Wanda offered to help me decorate my new apartment.

No matter how much my mind screamed at me to refuse, I forced that noise down. Fighting against myself, accepting help despite feeling unworthy of it - it was probably the hardest thing I've done in my whole life.

Bruce volunteered to carry my prone body to Tony's bedroom which was quickly becoming the master bedroom for the three of us - ever since the incident, both of my scientists stuck close to me whenever possible, aggressively cuddling me whenever they decided it was time to get some sleep. Which wasn't much these days, if I was being honest. Persuading Bruce to stay with me was a novelty - usually he didn't resist, but that time, I had to repeat myself multiple times that the team could handle business even without him being present.

I had my ulterior motives, of course. Tony and Stephen needed to talk. I only hoped their egos wouldn't clash without me to mediate - having two boyfriends start a fight wasn't something I wanted to experience. I had zero experience in those matters and had no idea how to manage all that. Are there handbooks for polyamorous relationships? I stuck a mental post-it note inside my brain to check it out.

I fell asleep with Bruce wrapped around me and woke up in the same position, having been too exhausted to move even in my sleep. Voices, rough and quiet, were the first thing I heard upon syncing my brain into a resemblance of a working order, instantly recognizing Stephen's deep baritone and Tony's teasing drawl.

"Expect either Reindeer Games or Kim Possible to come and terrify you," My engineer didn't sound particularly ecstatic. His voice came from somewhere around my feet; the hand wrapped around my ankle, thumb gently stroking the skin, must've been his.

"Duly noted," Stephen's reply was equally sarcastic, sounding a little closer. The warmth coming from my side was him. I could smell the faint spices that surrounded him, smell that I'd come to associate with the Sanctum.

Bruce snored away, not a care in the world.

My body, on the other hand, felt rested for what felt the first time in years. A pleasant ache in my muscles had me begrudgingly squirm out of Banner'd grasp, shamelessly pushing up into Stephen as I stretched with a juicy yawn. "What's poppin'?" I rubbed my eyes, finding the men awake looking at me with fond amusement.

"Just watching," Tony smiled, causing me to giggle at his accidental meme-ing. Was it even accidental? I refused to believe that a man well versed in IT was oblivious to meme culture.

Stephen, on the other hand... "We've discussed some things, wanted to talk to you too." His hand stroked my hair, face expression soft unlike anything I'd ever seen him have. "But you were sleeping. So cute."

Me, cute? There was a puddle of drool the size of a dollar bill on my pillow, I was pretty sure some of it had even gotten in Bruce's hair. Banner's sleep was quiet except for every five minutes when he'd let out a snore with a force somewhere between a Mack truck and a whale in mating season.

Cute, sure.

Bruce groaned, a tell-tale sign of him waking up. I met his eyes, brown, shiny, a narrow edge of green around his irises. Huh. Do I have three boyfriends or four?

THE TAG LIST IS NOW OPEN! @another-stark-sub ​ @mostly-marvel-musings  @vozit ​ @littlegasps ​ @pilloclock ​ @shereadsinquiet @downeyreads ​ @hermione-grangers-wife ​ @individualistfem ​@sleep-i-ness @capbrie @lillsxd @agustdowney @dee-vn @justanotherblonde23 @fanngirl19 @persephonehemingway @softie-socks @schemefrenzy @letsby @romeo-the-cactus @jelly-fishy-babie @mikariell95 @gladiosamicitias

[frostinepac3]

Hey y'all I know this isn't really the place for this but I've been going through alot of things mentally and emotionally- so this might be a very messy vent post. TW ahead

Tw self harm / suicide

Things have just been piling up recently and its been hard to talk about not just with my family but people in general, mostly because I've been told its never been the time or place to speak about it. For the past 2-3 years and up until now I have been and still am struggling with self harm, I was just always afraid to say it outright for fear of people thinking of me differently. Home life hasn't been terrible but it hasn't been good either, I've been considering running away but I don't quite have the means or the mental capacity to do so yet since I've been so sheltered. My autism coupled with adhd makes functioning extra difficult for me and it seems no matter how much I push that I could maybe benefit from meds I either get shot down or brushed off. Most of my depression stems from the fact I have such a hard time functioning and that I'm not "normal" and every day it gets harder and harder to get out of bed and actually take care of myself.

Despite that-

I've been so thankful to be a part of this community since when I discovered it I was at the lowest point in my life, being borderline homeless and contemplating suicide.

Im surprised im even still here considering alot of my circumstances but I'm trying my best to hold on.

I hate to trauma dump a bit here since I don't want y'all to feel responsible for me and my mental health but it does get a little hard to bear on your own after awhile.

Sorry about that.

Tldr; I am feeling quite physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted and I'm struggling to cope a bit.

Sorry if I scared anyone. I'm still here, just barely holding on for now- love you guys ❤

[cursed-saphire-hart]

Ok I know you've acknowledged it, and I know in your au Tord acknowledges it, but its been on my mind for a little and I have no idea where else to say it. But Doomed Timeline Tord (and I guess Happy family Tord Before Tobi fixed things) is not a good father. I know its been said but I've never seen anyone here bring up the fact that even he knows it, but makes no attempt to change. I can understand that losing Anya fucked him up badly, especially considering that now he has a son as the living reminder of just how badly he messed up, but that doesn't justify or excuse the fact that (it seems) he isn't trying. And don't even get me started on the stuff where he not only emotionally neglects but physically abuses Tobi (I don't know if this is canon but I'm hoping its not)

Im not gonna get into how mad I am at him though because we all know that Anya will have Hell hath no fury when Tord dies

This has been on my mind for a bit but for some reason of all things the haircut ask really hit me hard

And finally someone dropped it hot and hard. I have literally been waiting for someone to point it out and solidify it in text bc i was too lazy to get the ball rolling down a hill.

Here's a tangent to read.

Doomed Timeline Tord is basically just mentally stuck. He never makes attempts to change or make things better since thats what people with control issues do. If they feel like they lost control once in their life, they'll make attempts at taking back control.

He's had alotta times where he'd rather make things worst, bc things can ALWAYS be worst, instead if try to make things better with a chance he'll fail.

The best way Tord can do that in his current life is control his son to an unhealthy degree, from who he interacts with, his friends, his interests and even who he'll marry. (a.k.a keeping Tobi from having romantic relationships)

No Tord doesn't physically abuse Tobi, he does how ever hold very high expectations that Tobi exhausts himself to reach. Which is why having his friends to pick him up is so important to have. Also leading to other issues with relationships and venting/coping methods.

I'll be the first to confirm Tord and Anya are NOT a healthy couple, and I've said it before when accused of romantacizing that kinda relationship (im not, im just acknowledging they exist and in a dystopia that's the most likely outcome for two already unstable characters) Tord has control issues and a temper, while Anya is mentally broken and emotionally unstable, both needing therapy for their issues but never receiving it.

To that extent, in my friends version of my au, Delaine or Jenny would have been healthier options to balance out Tord, meanwhile, for Anya, Albert or Jenny would have been much healthier relationships, emotionally and mentally.

Even in Happy Timeline, Tord still isn't a great father but at least makes attempts to be better for his wife and kids.

When I wrote each short fic or anwsered a question, I was showcasing things from Tords P.O.V technically. Tord knows he fucked up and fucked up BADLY, but he doesn't WANT to change. In his own head, he knows he's not a hero uniting the world, he isn't disillusioned, he's just an asshole stuck in a mental state he built himself, and bc he's literally the top of the latter, no one has the power or authority to smack him the fuck out of it.

The only one crazy enough to give him a much needed right hook is dead, and his son is too scared to be a disappointment to try.

In every sense of the word, Tord isnt a good father in this au, and thats to drive home just how messed up the dystopian world is, and how much Tobi needs his friends. And literally the only way he would have been CLOSE to being one is if he never was Red Leader to start with.

I really should put this all in a video someday.

[border-spam]

Leech Lord prompts : Major don'ts

Troy

Most of his reactivity to disrespect / insult in public is fake, just playing along with the character role he's been assigned. In reality there is very little a random person could say to him to actually evoke a genuine response, because he just plain doesn't care enough about other people for the shit they say to really get under his skin.

The exception is disrespectful /insulting language towards the few he does hold in high value. His parents, Ty, his Oracle, some of his Saints, people who may not see him as a friend, but who he sees as part of his inner echelon. The reaction to that is real, and less theatrical than the over the top physical punishments he'll dole out to people who disrespect him when he's in the public eye. That's for show. If someone threatens a person who he holds in value, or insults them? There's no glittering sneer or snaps of clawed mechanical fingers to trigger cameras to shift to the God King... He just shanks them.

Cannot handle Tyreen using parts of him he'd been forced to leave behind on Nekro in mockery. She used to do it to bite at him, knew it bristled his spines. She knows it's a weak point between his armor plates when she'd call him DeLeon in a disgusted tone when they were alone, or bring up how he was as much of a fuck up as dad, but she hasn't done anything like that since it came to a head a few years ago.

They'd been arguing over something pointless through e-com message, he can't even remember what. Frame design for the $100 + donation popups maybe. She'd been in a filthy mood, he'd been exhausted, and they'd sat for hours later that evening in a meeting about stocks with a tight lipped asshole who's voice could have put a rabid bullymong to sleep in seconds. Ty was snippy, looking for a fight still, and started namedropping, side eyeing him with a cruel grin as she found ways to work the digs into conversation the rest of the room was ignorant of:

"Oh I'd be Leon' to myself if I didn't agree this was a good idea! You really are a veritable ‘Bastion of professional advice, aren't you sir."

He'd been shaking in his seat, white knuckles clenched over the armrest,  unable to respond to what they both knew were hidden twists of the knife to sate her boredom..  but Tyreen hadn't expected the outcome.

 In the back of her mind, Troy has always been a verbal punching bag, someone who can take and take and never really snap. There is a level of safety with him she doesn't have with anyone else, because no matter how enraged he is, or how deep she digs the blade, he's never going to hurt her. Except that night, he did.

She'd heard him stalk into her ship in the early AM and turned with a mouthful of rehearsed fake apologies, but been slammed into the wall behind her before she could even react to the look of cold rage on his face. It was easy to forget how strong he was, how much larger than her he really was, till he was holding her by the front of her shirt nearly a foot of the ground without any effort. She'd scratched at his hand and tried to gasp out a demand to be let go, but he'd silenced her with the deafening impact of his cybernetic into the hull next to her head, and a hissed warning to 

"Never fucking say that name again like that, Tyreen. Never. Mom gave me that, her pop's name, and you made me come here and leave it all behind like it was a lie. Like I should be ashamed of it now, like it’s a dirty secret. The name dad gave me, the name mom gave me, both gone, I've got NOTHING left of who I was here, you f-fucking nasty bitch."

He'd dropped her with a growl, and Ty had tripped over her words, only managed to stutter half of what she'd planned to say as she scrambled to her feet from where he towered over her. She coughed out that she'd never meant it, that it just slipped out and hadn’t been on purpose, but he'd sneered at the clumsy attempt to placate him with lies. Made absolutely clear he didn’t believe her.

She hasn't done it since. Bringing up anything they left behind has been only done to reminisce, and even then rarely. Ty'd never admit to how threatened she had felt that night, it's one of the few times she's really learned from a consequence.

Seifa

Verbally there is very little that can be said to Sei that shakes her, she's too rigid in her own ego to hugely care what other people say about her, but one thing she's never, ever been able to defend herself against emotionally is the thing that gets muttered behind her back the most.

That she fucked her way into the success she's achieved.

It's not that she's even against that idea, she personally couldn't give a shit what other people do to get what they need out of life, its hard enough without grasping at every opportunity that presents itself.. it's the fact that she didn't do it even when it was an option many times that upsets her so much.

It's an immediate removal of all the work, the pain, the struggle she's gone through just to earn a name for herself, and the fact that people believe it so easily? It cuts SO deep. People close to her are aware it's a major weak point, and it helps that they know it's not true. Friends in high places work well for quashing the whispers of envious priests, but even though slandering a Saint is punishable viciously, the rumors persist, and there are nights when she can't pretend it doesn't eat her alive anymore.

 She's not quite as strong emotionally as she wishes she was.

Physically, for all her bravado and practiced intimidation in communication, Seifa panics if grabbed. Her reaction to being restrained or pushed against a wall, pinned, is completely out of her control and something she's ashamed of. She can't maintain her act, can't keep up the confidence, her throat tightens and limbs get shaky, and it's incredibly clear visually that her the situation is no longer something she’s capable of handling. 

She's tried to practice this fear away, but after years of struggling has come to accept it as a mental betrayal she can't prevent. Unless she's close with the person, physical intimidation - even unintended,  hits her harder than most people would ever expect from someone so apparently rock solid.

[ladyemberswrites]

[Oh boy, OH BOY! Like some people are going to hate me for this, but here it goes!]

Author's Notes: Okay, so like I've had this in my drafts for awhile now. So, this is like a very, very rough draft of a Gargoyles Human Au I was working on, but then I ended up changing a whole bunch of things as I went along, so this is pretty much a scraped draft, drabble sort of thing, though I will probably end up keeping many of the main elements in the final product. So, yeah-

!Warnings! [ Adultery/Cheating/References to Toxic and Unhealthy relationships/Age Difference/Age Gaps]

��� If any of this isn't your cup of tea this isn't for you!]

Summary: "Elisa?" She hated the way he said her name. He said it so delicately, so soft as if he feared it might break on his tongue. She hated that she loved how he spoke  it "Elisa". It made her feel wanted, feel desired, feel protected with just an utterance of her name. And that's where the problem lay.

Why she can't look him in the eyes, but she does so anyways to catch his tired, obsidian eyes.

"We need to talk." She blurts and she can see him physically wince the moment the sentence leaves her lips.

"I know"

It was long after midnight, but of course, New York isn’t called the city that doesn’t sleep for anything. 

But, the point was moot.

For the first time, she hated the noise of the city that she called home. The lights too bright, the sounds, the smells of greasy street vendor food made her want to vomit. She just wanted everything to shut up and give her some peace. She wanted to wallow but she had work in the morning so getting drunk like any sane person would have was out of the question.

And the thought of sitting around any longer in the silence of her dark, cramped, shitty apartment made her want to rip her own hair out and scream.

So, where does that leave her?

Not much of choice, no, not really she has a choice, a choice that needed to be made no matter how much she didn’t want to do it. She can be a coward and run, but her mama didn’t raise cowards. She’s no coward even though at this point and time she wanted to be. 

To go run and hide away from the big scary world.

The 23rd precinct came into view and her dread only intensified. No one was there which only worsen the feelings even though the building being entirely vacant is a blessing. No one to hear, no prying eyes nor ears. Yet, that didn’t lessen the fear; her heart felt like a rock sitting inside her chest and every exhale and inhale of her breath burned as if her lungs were drawing smoke and brimstone. 

The scent of roasted Ethiopian coffee wafts under her nose and it warms her, almost comforting her as she turns the corner and finds the only light in the dark beckoning her. Her feet kept going, they wanted to stop and turn around and run until her feet bleed.

But, she can't. She had to do this, she had to, not just for herself, but for them and too selfishly appease her own guilt that's been gnawing away at her consciousness every waking moment. 

The rap of her knuckles across the worn wood sounded like a death toll in her ears. In a way it was.

"Captain Wyvern." Her voice wavered, she sounded so damn mousey and timid, but the door and rumble of his deep baritone made her feel so small and tiny. 

"Come in." She didn't notice the tremble of her fingers until she struggled to turn the knob of his office door, she stopped and swallowed, her throat feeling raw and scratchy. Inhaling, she finally finds the courage to open it and meet Goliath's boring stare.

The dark circles of his eyes were hard to ignore nor the fading blemish that stained his dark skin a nasty shade of blue and black. She recoiled at the sight, darting her eyes away to peer at the floor.

"Elisa?" She hated the way he said her name. He said it so delicately, so soft as if he feared it might break on his tongue. She hated that she loved how he spoke it "Elisa". It made her feel wanted, feel desired, feel protected with just an utterance of her name. And that's where the problem lay.

Why she can't look him in the eyes, but she does so anyway to catch his tired, obsidian eyes.

"We need to talk." She blurts and she can see him physically wince the moment the sentence leaves her lips.

"I know" she steps closer, her eyes briefly scanning the mess of his desk scattered files and unfinished documents laid about, a whole pack of cigarettes burnt to their very buds sizzles in the mini ashtray she bought him as a last-minute birthday present. Her eyes lifted to meet his scrutinizing gaze and hated that too, that inhuman inquisitiveness his eyes give off, watching her every movement like that of an apex predator.

"I want to transfer" the words tasted bitter on her tongue, heavy as they were she had managed without tripping over her them in haste. Goliath looked at her like she had just punched a hole through his gut and suddenly that bruise on his face didn't sting so much.

"What?" 

"I-want to transfer" 

"Why-" as if he didn’t know. 

"I overheard you arguing with your wife about me the other night." His face fell blank "Captain-Goliath you know why I can't stay here. You know that I can't." Dammit, she hissed she fumbles with her oversized police bomber and rubs her watering eyes. She hears a creak of his mobile chair and the soft pad of shoes hitting the floor and suddenly he's towering over her.

"Elisa, you belong here" of course she did, didn't she? But, the matter isn't about her sense of belonging, it's about what is right and what is wrong. And she can't stay no matter how much she didn't want to leave, she can't because she knows she won't be able to control herself. 

"You're making this harder than it has to be" she mumbles exhausted and emotionally worn "I have to go" 

"The problems between me and my wife have nothing to do with you" he's trying to placate her, to affirm what she has so unsuccessfully tried to do for months on end.

"It has everything to do with it me!" She snapped pulling away from his warmth "how can you say that!? I kissed you! And before that, I confessed to you drunk off my ass!" She shouted as she had to hammer those facts into his thick skull because he wanted to ignore the blatantly obvious. To put behind them and pretend that night didn’t exist at all.

You're a married man dammit!" God, she can only imagine what it would've sounded like if the 23 precinct was packed airing her dirty laundry for all to hear without a care in the world. Even in the quiet of the empty halls, she felt beyond mortified.

Goliath watched her almost apathetically mingled with what she had come to know as his " unable to process anything" look. 

Whatever torrent of emotions were stirring through him she hadn't the faintest idea. Her captain was known for having a rather volcanic temper, but she had never, ever had him lash out at her, raise his voice yes, but never unadulterated anger. Right now, she wished he would get angry, lash out at her, throw something, flip the desk and let all its contents crash upon the floor. It'd make things easier for her, easier to pack her things and leave and never look back. And not cling to him like a lovesick puppy.

But he doesn't. 

He runs a hand through his long mane smoothing it back for a lack of anything better to do or say. 

"I need coffee." he mutters. For Goliath its code for "I need a minute to think".

He wanders out his office lost and leaves her behind struggling to keep her dwindling mental state from going straight to utter hell. 

The silent tears do the opposite of what she's supposed to do, to keep a level head, but they come anyway, pouring down her cheeks in pathetic, wet globs. By the time he returns with two mugs of piping hot coffee her eyes are red and scratchy and he looks worse than when he left. Still stolid, still uncomfortably rigid as if he's standing trial.

She takes it and sips at it, just the right amount of sweetness she liked because of course, he knew exactly how she wanted it. Because he's attentive and she comes to hate him for that.

"Goliath?" 

"Yes." 

"Was she right? About what Demona said about you being infatuated me? About having a thing for me?" His chair squeaked, deafening in the silence.

"I-" her brows scrunch "you kissed me back that night. It was brief, but I noticed" 

"...Yes…" he confesses and her fingers squeeze her mug so tight she feared it might break.

~

Brooklyn came in like a whirlwind, slamming the glass door of his office behind him it resounded like a thunderclap. Goliath glanced up from his documents, his prescription glasses sliding off the bridge of his nose.

"What the hell did you do!?"

"Pardon?"

"You're transferring Elisa!?"

He looks away from Brooklyn's accusatory gaze "Yes…"

"Why!?" He slams both hands on his desk "Elisa's a damn good cop and you know it! Just what the everloving hell did she do to make you want to transfer her!" Goliath hardly faltered under his younger brother's fury, he remained passive and unnerved.

"I thought you liked her"

"I do." He murmured, but Brooklyn took note of something, the perks of living with each other so closely for so long.

"But, I'm betting a little much, huh?" His tone was far from sarcastic his voice instead dripped with condescension, if not disgust.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Is that what you're doing!? Huh, covering your own ass because you couldn't keep your dick in your pants!? Never thought you'd stoop so low-"

"Enough!" He barked detesting the very insinuation that he'd kick Elisa to curb, that he'd use her to only abandon her for mere lust made him sick. As understanding he is of his brother's upset; he refuses to be accused of such a low, foul deed. Like a scolded puppy Brooklyn reels away with wide eyes.

"I know you're upset but I will not stand here and let you accuse me of something I did not do."

His gaze sharpened "This is not a decision I make lightly, but it has to be done." 

"But, why!?"

"Enough, Brooklyn. You do not need to know the specifics only that I'm transferring Elisa to the 22nd precinct. My decision stands and you will accept it all the same."

"Just like that." He snapped his fingers.

"Yes." He says with finality.

"You're not getting away with this…" he hissed before he tapered away, slamming the door the way he had opened it earlier with a thunderous clatter.

As Brooklyn's loud, angry footsteps recede, Goliath resisted the sudden urge to hurl his mug across the room, to watch it crash and hit the floor, to shatter into a thousand little pieces upon the polished wood. 

An appropriate metaphor for his current state of mind. 

He heard his office door swing open again this time without a deafening noise.

"Always a lively lad" Hudson jeers. Goliath cracks his knuckles scowling at his desk.

"It is not always a good thing" his mentor hummed "Brooklyn lets his emotions run wild without thought or consequences too often." 

"Aye, but the sentiment rings familiar" Goliath grimaced "lettin' one's emotions run rampant" 

"I wasn't that bad" 

Hudson laughed but shook his head "perhaps, but I'm not speakin of that" his mirth falters "it's about you and the lass" 

There's no accusation in his voice.

"There is nothing between me and Elisa" as if it needed to be stated.

"If you're going to be carrying on an illicit affair, ye should be sure the walls don't be having eyes and ears" Goliath stiffened.

"I was in my office gettin some shut eye until the yelling woke me up. Nice thing to wake to seeing the two of you gettin' to know each other" Shame curled at the pit of his stomach his eyes left his mentor's questioning gaze.

"I had a serious lapse of judgment" 

"I'll bet!" Goliath swallowed. Hudson crossed the room and took a seat.

"I do not  know what's coming over me." He rubbed the bridge of his nose ", this isn't like me, Hudson." 

"It'd be love I suppose" 

"I don't-" 

"Don't love the lass?" Hudson lifted a bushy brow "ye sure?" Goliath didn't answer, he didn't want to answer.

"I'm married, Hudson. A married man with a child! How can you say that!? In fact, you of all people should be furious with me!" 

"And say 'I thought I taught you better'?"

"Yes!"  he slammed the desk “What I did was wrong! I shouldn’t-I shouldn’t-” he ran both hands over his face in utter frustration “I should never have kissed her the way that I did. I shouldn’t be infatuated with her in the first place! Dammit….” 

~

Goliath did not know what lunch with his wife might entail. He considered canceling out of guilt, but his conscience won in the end. He needed to face her, Demona, his angel, and to confess to her how he betrayed her in the worst possible way. He wasn't looking forward to it as he traps through the tables and chairs of her favorite french restaurant.

"Love." She was eerily at ease "you came."

"Of course."

"You are troubled" 

"You stormed away last night. I was worried." Demona only let her lips downturn only a millimeter as she dusted her pencil skirt of invisible dust.

"I suppose I let my emotions get the better of me" 

"I-before we eat. I must confess something to you" 

"Is it about the Maza woman?" her tone dropped. To be fair her momentary jealousy wasn't as intense as it was before. She felt more aggravated by the fact she hadn't noticed earlier, she hates rude surprises. And what did she have to scorn the Maza woman over anyway? She's rich, she's powerful all gained and created by her very own hands. What exactly did she have to prove to her? It's an embarrassing sentiment, but a sentiment all the same.

Goliath nods mutely and Demona speculates that something serious between must have happened and as he spoke-not as nearly serious as she had thought. However, she found it both shocking and utterly amusing that Goliath of all people-it was almost laughable. He was cute; being completely racked with guilt. This Maza woman had certainly worked a number on him without actually intending to do anything at all. Quite impressive.

"I will not excuse my behavior"

"Why didn't you?"

"What?"

"What caused you to stop?"

"You of course!" 

"A bit too late for that."

"I-" he swallowed "Y-yes." 

"Seems my assumption was correct then?" 

"I'm not going to leave you for another woman"

"But, Maza isn't just another woman." She cuts him off "Is she?"

Goliath froze.

"You feel a strong attraction to her more than anything I can garner "

"That isn't-" 

"Isn't what? Why are you trying so hard to deny the obvious truth? You want Maza." 

~

"So what!?" Elisa snaps "Do we just bang each others brains out? Then what?! Be consumed by a lifetime of guilt? Or do we just play pretend and spend the rest of our lives shacking up at some moldy, shitty motel acting like we did nothing wrong once the lights come on?" 

Her shoulders sag, her voice cracks "Is that the kind of life you want, Goliath? Living out some lie that we know damn well isn't true?" She wiped her eyes with the back of her palm, she was crying again. Dammit! 

Before she knew it, she's enveloped in warmth, his large arms and body wrap around her and she's pressed into his chest. Him and the oversized blue police bomber that he had given her to replace the once she lost on her first-night compasses her. 

She inhales his scent; the heady smell of burnt oak. 

And before she knows it she crumbles, her vision is blurred, everything outside is nothing more than white static in her ears as she wails against his chest. 

A childish part of herself wanted to scream and say it wasn't fair, but she knew she can't-couldn't say it out loud.

"No." He finally says "that isn't the life I want for you." He squeezes her tighter, his fingers brushing through her short hair "you're young, so much younger than I am, you have your whole life ahead of you. I cannot keep you here, no matter how much I want you to stay." 

It wasn't fair for him either. Forced to stay within a bitter, toxic marriage. But, that wasn't her issue to meddle in. 

She sniffed "you're not that old" her tone is watery, heavy with grief, but she tries to lighten her mood.

"I'm old enough to be your father, Elisa." He says dryly with no ounce of humor.

"Yeah," she sniffs "but you're not my dad." She sniffs again "he's been gone for a long time…now.." as if this wasn't depressing enough, she shudders. Goliath holds her closer, letting his head fall upon her head.

[xtruss]

Dread at 30,000 Ft: Inside the Increasingly Violent World of US Flight Attendants

— Francesca Street, CNN

(CNN) — Working as a flight attendant previously afforded Mitra Amirzadeh the freedom to explore the world -- taking her from her home in Florida to destinations including Kenya, France and Spain.

As the pandemic spread, the perks of Amirzadeh's job diminished. Now restricted to domestic US flights, her work involves navigating not only the fear of catching Covid-19, but also the recent uptick in disruptive passengers.

"I'm dealing with a lot of babysitting, which I never counted on doing," Amirzadeh, who works for a low-cost US airline, tells CNN Travel. "The actual children on board behave better than the grown adults do."

This summer, unruly passenger behavior seems to have reached new heights. In one incident, a passenger punched a Southwest flight attendant and knocked out two of their teeth. Video also circulated of a passenger getting taped to their seat after they reportedly punched and groped Frontier Airlines flight crew.

The Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) said it has issued more than $1 million in fines to unruly airline passengers so far in 2021.

US flight attendants tell CNN Travel say the stress of the situation is taking its toll,

Susannah Carr, who works for a major US airline, says unruly incidents used to be "the exception, not the rule." Now they're "frequent."

"I come in expecting to get push back. I come in expecting to have a passenger that could potentially get violent," she says.

Amirzadeh says flight attendants across US airlines are just "over it."

Allie Malis, a flight attendant for American Airlines, says air crew are "exhausted -- physically and emotionally."

"We've gone through worrying about our health and safety, worrying about our jobs -- now [we are] worrying about our safety in a different way."

The Rise of Air Rage

There seems to be a rise in unruly passengers on board US airplanes. Pictured here: airplanes at Miami International Airport in August 2021. Daniel Slim/AFP via Getty Images

Pre-pandemic, the issue of unruly passengers was becoming increasingly omnipresent — data from the International Air Transport Association (IATA) suggested incidents rose from 2012 to 2015, while whole conferences were dedicated to the problem.

This increase was often linked to cabins getting fuller, with increased security checks and processes adding to tension.

In 2019, Malis, who is also the government affairs representative at the Association of Professional Flight Attendants, a union representing American Airlines air crew, spoke to CNN Travel about the decrease of personal seat space. She said her union believed it is "strongly correlated and in a large part to blame" for the rise in incidents.

Alcohol is also an often cited contributing factor -- travelers drink at the airport and board the plane without crew realizing how inebriated they are. When it all kicks off at 30,000 feet, it's too late.

That said, it has always been hard to get an exact handle on whether passengers have actually become more unruly. Not every airline that's part of IATA submits data, and not every airline records every instance of unruly behavior, while separate FAA data recorded oscillating numbers of investigated incidents between 1995 and 2019.

There have been suggestions that incidents just started to feel more ubiquitous in recent years because social media means videos of badly behaved passengers spread like wildfire.

But while FAA data might show fluctuating figures for much of the past 20 years, in 2021, incidents seem to have skyrocketed. In 2019, 146 investigations were initiated by the FAA. So far in 2021 that number is 727.

Covid-19 seems to have exacerbated an already existing issue to an unprecedented degree, at least in the US.

Amirzadeh recalls the silent flights of spring 2020. People were too fearful to even look at other passengers or air crew, she says, let alone cause conflict.

By summer 2020, travel had recommenced and reports of in-flight disruptions were back. Masks -- not yet mandated by the FAA, but enforced by some airlines -- were becoming a sore topic among some travelers.

In recent months, unruly behavior has reached new heights.

"It just seems like every next incident is getting a little bit more extreme, things you just would have never imagined last year," says Malis.

"As a flight attendant, it's really hard to imagine yourself being in a position that requires duct taping a passenger to their seats for the safety of everyone else on the plane, yet this is something that has happened numerous times in the last few months."

Malis says she feels like incidents have been on a steady rise since the January 6 attack on the US Capitol. It also involved disruptive behavior on planes and led to the Association of Flight Attendants-CWA (AFA) International -- which represents American flight attendants at 17 airlines — stating rioters should not be allowed on flights home.

"I think the insurrection was kind of an eye-opening experience," Malis says. "What do you do when you have multiple incidents happening on the plane at the same time with only four crew members?"

“I come in expecting to get pushback. I come in expecting to have a passenger that could potentially get violent.” — Susannah Carr, flight attendant

A survey by the AFA released in July of this year found that, of the 5,000 flight attendants surveyed, 85% said they'd dealt with unruly passengers in 2021.

Disruptive passengers had used sexist, racist and/or homophobic language, according to 61%, while 17% said they'd been victim of a physical attack this year.

"I thought I had seen or done or heard at all," says Amirzadeh, who has flown for six years and previously worked in customer service.

"But as I've learned the past 18 months, that is definitely not the case, I am seeing, hearing and doing things I never thought in my life I would ever be doing."

Flying During Covid-19

Masks are mandated by law in the US on federal property and on public transportation, including airplanes. Joe Raedle/Getty Images

Many incidents are linked with mask non-compliance, which the flight attendants who spoke to CNN Travel say has been an issue throughout the pandemic.

Even though it's now FAA-mandated and federal law, the wearing of masks remain the cause of the majority of inflight issues. In a press release dated August 19, the FAA says it had received approximately 3,889 reports of unruly behavior by passengers since January 1. Of those reports, 2,867 were passengers refusing to comply with the mask mandate.

"In the beginning, I would sympathize and say, 'Hey, you know, I get it, it's hot, I'm hot. I'm wearing it too -- I need you to wear it too. Can we please work together?'" says Amirzadeh.

"But here we are, it's been a year and a half, you're wearing them everywhere. And we're not the only ones that are asking you to wear them -- every train station, every bus, every airline..."

Carr says she thinks the problem is that mask-wearing is sometimes viewed as a political issue in the United States.

"The mask issue was less about public health and it was more politicized in the beginning. And that is something we're still dealing with today," she says.

Amirzadeh says fraught mask-related interactions often come as a result of passengers removing their face covering to eat or drink, and then keeping it off. It's one of the reasons she thinks alcohol shouldn't be served on planes currently.

“It just seems like every next incident is getting a little bit more extreme, things you just would have never imagined last year” — Allie Malis, American Airlines flight attendant

Carr agrees and also questions the availability of to-go drinks at the airport.

Still, not serving alcohol can be the cause of issues too -- as Malis has found on board American Airlines, which continues to ban alcohol in its main cabins on board most flights.

"On some of my flights it's caused people to get upset, because they do want to feel like they have a right to have a drink -- but at the same time [...] if you're getting so upset because you can't have a drink right now, that's the exact reason we're kind of afraid to give you one, that kind of erratic behavior," says Malis.

For some passengers, travel may feel more stressful and anxiety-inducing in the age of Covid. Carr suggests this -- and the stresses we've all been under during the pandemic -- are a contributing factor to the rise in incidents.

"We've been isolated for the last 18-plus months," she says. "So I think some of the social graces have kind of been put on the back burner, as far as what's acceptable in public and on an airplane."

Malis wants passengers to realize that the stresses and anxieties they might be feeling about traveling in the age of Covid-19 are also shared by many crew, even if they seem like "a very accessible punching bag."

"We've been putting ourselves on the front line, and quarantining from our families," she says. "We're doing our job, we're not the reason your flight got canceled, we're not the reason you're frustrated."

The ubiquity of events on social media also leads Malis to suggest there could be a "copycat factor."

To reverse this, Amirzadeh says it's important for people to realize that the passengers who've gone viral are paying the price.

Dealing with Incidents

Flight attendants are getting self-defense training as the number of unruly passengers is on the rise. CNN's Pete Muntean reports.

Flight attendants are safety professionals trained in dealing with everything from a medical emergency to a potential terrorist incident.

"We're not here to serve you a Coke, we're here to save your life," is how Amirzadeh puts it.

But there's the concern, she says, that dealing with unruly passengers could prevent crew from dealing with other issues on board.

"We are the people that are going to give you CPR, we're the people that are going to give you the Heimlich maneuver, we are the people that are going to put out the fire. But we might miss those things if we're too busy arguing with someone else about putting their mask on."

Malis says dealing with unruly passengers is a team effort -- if a passenger seems to have taken against a particular flight attendant, another crew member stepping in could calm them down.

Carr says she keeps tabs on mask-wearing from the moment travelers step onto the plane, and will first offer a friendly reminder.

If someone continues not to comply, there are several warning steps culminating in the traveler getting handed a card stating that if they continue, they'll be reported to the airline and could lose travel privileges.

As Amirzadeh points out, a flight attendant can't force someone to wear a mask.

"But I can let him know that if he doesn't, then I hope that wherever we're landing is his final destination, because his return ticket's going to be canceled, we're going to file a report with the FAA, and you could face fines, and other legal ramifications."

Flight attendants are also able to take self defense classes organized via the Transportation Security Administration.

"I think more and more flight attendants need to start taking some self defense classes and need to be prepared to protect themselves and that's a sad thing," says Amirzadeh.

On January 13, 2021, the FAA signed an order directing a stricter legal enforcement policy against unruly airline passengers, promising a zero-tolerance campaign.

Any passenger who "assaults, threatens, intimidates, or interferes with airline crew members" could face fines of up to $35,000 and prison time.

The FAA also recently launched a public awareness campaign, which includes a video, as well as some social media memes.

The agency has also asked US airports to ensure law enforcement on the ground deals with reported inflight incidents, as well as consider issues associated with to-go alcohol.

The AFA flight attendant union is pressing for the zero tolerance policy to become permanent.

"It's also important that the Department of Justice is prosecuting some of these events," says Carr. "These unruly passenger events have been so egregious, flight attendants have been attacked, and injured [...] in situations like that, it's important that they're facing criminal prosecution and that's something that needs to be publicized as well."

Malis also suggests there should be further coordination between airlines to ensure passengers banned from one airline can't board other US carriers.

Carr and Amirzadeh are both members of the AFA flight attendant union, while Malis is involved in the American Airlines' union.

They say flight attendants have been sharing stories with their unions and their private networks -- across carriers -- providing support and solidarity.

The AFA union is offering employee assistance via therapy sessions.

"There are certainly flight attendants that definitely need a break physically, mentally, and emotionally. But right now, the staffing is not there to support any type of voluntary leave option," says Malis.

State of the Travel Industry

Some flight attendants are concerned travel could shut down again. Photo by Joe Raedle/Getty Images

After a difficult year of furlough and redundancies, flight attendants are concerned that the dual effect of Covid-19 and unruly passengers could see aviation grind to a halt again.

Carr says one of the joys of her job has always been supporting passengers on their travels -- whether they're heading on a long-dreamed-of vacation, traveling under difficult circumstances or anything in between.

"I love this industry and my coworkers and having the traveling public back is wonderful," she says. "But the pandemic is far from over. That is a reality. Covid-19 and the variants are still taking lives."

The last thing Carr and her colleagues want to see is travel stalling again.

"We are doing everything we can to keep passengers safe on board and keep travel going, but without the support of the traveling public -- without people taking those necessary steps to mitigate the spread, and help get a handle on this pandemic -- we could be facing travel closing again, which would be horrible."

[ramajmedia]

Kingdom Of The White Wolf Interview | Screen Rant

National Geographic photographer and explorer Ronan Donovan talks with Screen Rant about his journey to the arctic for the three-part event series Kingdom of the White Wolf. The series provides an unprecedented look into the lives of some extraordinary animals, as Donovan gets up close and personal with a species integral to the Arctic’s complex eco system, and also one that is misunderstood, or perhaps not understood enough. The result is a series that turns its subjects into real characters and their survival into one of the most compelling narratives on TV. 

But Kingdom of the White Wolf is more than another nature documentary. By making Donovan and his photography a central part of the series itself, the program becomes a hybrid of sorts, fusing top-notch filmmaking with some truly gorgeous photographs, captured while the series itself unfolds. As such, Kingdom of the White Wolf offers a fascinating viewing experience, one that simultaneously tells the story of a pack of white wolves and the individual documenting them. 

More: This Way Up Review: A Sweet, Sad, & Funny Look At Starting Over

In addition to speaking with Donovan to hear firsthand how the series came together, Screen Rant has two exclusive clips from the series. The first demonstrates how the wolves communicate, with their familiar and seemingly pensive howls. The second, offers a rare glimpse at a wolf pack forming and becoming a formidable hunting party. As Donovan notes, the predators are put in a strange predicament where, in order to eat, they must first venture into harm’s way. Check out the pack formation and wolf calls clips below, along with the interview with National Geographic Explorer Ronan Donovan. 

I wanted to start off by congratulating you on having the coolest job in the world. I also wanted to ask, is that notion difficult to process when you're out there actually doing what I assume is the difficult work of exploring and documenting nature in this way?

I mean the actual work is very hard, like physically, emotionally demanding. I mean, this last assignment in the Arctic, I tore the meniscus in both my knees throughout the assignment. The first one in my left knee in the first month of the project. I just had to walk it off and get on with it. And then I tore the second knee like three weeks before the end. I knew I did awful things to them, but I didn't really have much of an option to get help or stop working, because I had a lot of pressure on myself. So you know, it's a common sentiment that it's like, you know, this is a really amazing job, but it also has its great challenges as well. And that was definitely one of them for this last assignment.

How long are you actually out there following these subjects and what does that experience give you in terms of understanding these animals in their habitat? And then conversely, what do you learn about yourself when you're out there? 

Just following the animals and the subjects, the set up was, essentially there were two other guys on the team and we had a base camp that we set up that was about 20 miles away from the core range of this main pack of wolves. And so basically we had four wheelers to be able to keep up with the wolves, as well as carry the equipment, you know 150 pounds of equipment. Food, tent, your sleeping stuff and then another two full gas tanks in fuel cans to be able to keep up. So everything dictated how much the wolves were going to move. I had about 250 miles that I could get out of all the gas that I had in the machine that I would carry. 

You could do three or four days typically, because the wolves would just travel and then you'd have to make sure you didn't run out of fuel before you got back to camp. The longest day was 65 miles following the wolves continuously, while they hunted over the course of 40 hours. And that was the longest day that I did out there and it was just utterly exhausting. You know the sun's up the whole time. So you have this weird kind of ball of energy that never sets, and that's backed by all the continuous movement. You're on this machine, you're not sitting down, you're in the horse riding stance, getting bucked around on awful terrain. So you can't exactly fall asleep. It's not like driving a car where I could never last more than 20 hours driving a car straight because you're comfortable and you fall asleep.

The machine and the pace and following the wolves just keeps you up; it propels you to keep going. And they're hunting and you're having to try to document that, because it's one of the peak physical, mental evolutionary aspects of the animal's life that makes them what they are, and you're trying to capture all this. So that was what would keep me up and driving and doing horrible things to my body. What I learned about myself from doing this project is some of the things that make me really good at my job, which is kind of a stubborn drive to achieve and succeed and document and share these animal stories. That stubborn drive is also ... it can be a bit self-defeating in the sense that self care is really challenging, I think, on these longterm field projects. Just the physical aspects of it. I've harped on that a lot, but it's ... For this assignment it was by far the hardest all around and most demanding, physically and emotionally.

Additionally, I've never done television before and there was a lot of pressure involved; people went to bat for me a lot on this project, to give me this opportunity. It's big budgets. There's obviously big expectations and so there was a lot of that in my mind throughout. But that was interspersed with these incredible wildlife moments where you get to witness an animal that's rarely seen by anyone and even more rarely seen in its relaxed state, essentially just being wild wolves and ignoring my presence the whole time. And that was just an incredible opportunity and treat to be able to have that experience.

It's incredibly interesting watching the way the wolves were aware of you being there but didn't seem to really react to you all that much. Can you talk about the process of following the wolves around and getting to know them individually, and eventually earning their trust enough that you can insert yourself into situations they're in without distracting them from what they're trying to do? 

Initially, locating wolves, you're trying to find a wolf den. We used a helicopter for that process, just trying to cover a bunch of ground looking for these green patches in the landscape, which are indicative of a den that's been fertilized by urine and feces for hundreds of years on a pretty barren tundra desert-like landscape that doesn't have very much in the way of nutrients. So the wolves, just by being there and creating a den, create this lush little Eden spot on what's typically a brown landscape. So you find the den and then maybe it'll be active, maybe not. In this case, in the first episode, all the dens we found were all iced in and there were no wolves.

That added a freakout of like, 'Oh gosh, I just said I could do this project, that I can find wolves, and I can't.' And then once we did find a den with pups, it was in this far away valley, and it was pretty sandy soil, so it must not have had the same weather event. The rain event didn't affect it and it wasn't frozen in. That's why they were able to use that den. After that, it was just... gaining their trust is just a series of neutral encounters with them, because there's nowhere to hide, you're not trying to sneak up. It's not like you're sitting in a blind or a hide, which is typical of some of the other wildlife work where you're actually trying to keep yourself hidden. 

You just present yourself and they react accordingly. They're going to be curious probably about what you're doing because they've never been shot at or they've never had a negative encounter with people. Some of the wolves maybe have never seen people, especially the younger ones, at least the pups. They have no reason to fear anything other than other wolves and the occasional polar bear. So therefore, they're going to be curious about anything else. So that's how they saw me. And that's how they see humans as just kind of this interesting third animal in a landscape. We're not a threat, we're not seen as prey; we're just kind of another animal out there in some ways. It's a fascinating perception of what wolves think of humans in this part of the Arctic. They're not scared of us and they don't see us as prey.

Much of the first episode delves into the ways in which the pack has a social dynamic and cares for one another or shows affection toward one another. It also underlines the role that the wolves play in maintaining the ecosystem around them. In what way do you think the series will help dispel some misconceptions about these wolves and help create a new image for them? 

Yeah, I mean the main goal is to showcase a wild family of wolves that can exist in its own ecosystem, its own place, be a positive force in the landscape and have no negative encounter with people. Which is the honest story about how wolves have lived for tens of thousands of years and that it's only in recent times in human history where we as humans started to domesticate the animals that wolves prey on: sheep, goats, cattle. And then we came into conflict with the wolves because we wanted to eat the same thing. And so, on Ellesmere Island, there're no people who live there and raise livestock, and there is no competition with human hunters there, which is another conflict of the wolf/human relationship. And so it's this really exciting place just to show what wild wolves are like, without this haze, this cloud of human interaction. 

What I hope people will take away from it is seeing how intimate wolves can be among themselves, just in their family structure. How sweet they are to the pups, how sweet they are with each other. They have need to communicate and cooperate in order to achieve something together that they can't do on their own, which is why people live in social groups, because we can do greater things as a group than we can on our own. Trying to highlight those similarities, which is kind of the first step in empathy and understanding that humans are capable of when we're trying to understand other people, other cultures, and extending that into animals as well. 

You were out there for quite some time documenting these wolves, and I'm sure you had a lot of experiences that maybe didn't make the actual final cut of the series. For you personally, what was the most surprising thing you came across in the process of making this series and in your time documenting these wolves? 

One of the most incredible experiences and striking that didn't make it in, was the longest follow day where it was, 40 hours straight and 65 miles that we covered. This was after the matriarch female had disappeared from the pack, so the pack was in a little bit of disarray. They waited around for a number of days to see if she'd come back, and they got hungry so they had to go out and hunt. They brought the pups along that were about 12 weeks old at that time. And they went on this 65-mile jaunt, which is a really long way for little pup legs, and the adults were exhausted and the pups were dragging behind, whimpering and howling while they're running, and having this really, really hard experience. 

Later, the adults were hunting multiple herds of muskox, just testing them and failing. One of the wolves actually got smashed and steamrolled and stampeded, before getting up and trying to find another herd of muskox to test. And this was over 40 hours. They killed two Arctic hares that the adults wouldn't share with the pups because the adults were ravenous at that point. And kind of the code is: if the adults don't eat then there's no way the pups are going to get food. So the adults have to be strong and healthy in order to find more food for the pups. 

Then there was this really tense moment where [the wolves] went from sea level up to 2,500 feet over this mountain dropdown, this dramatic icy chute on the edge of this mountain. I thought they all died because it was ice. I couldn't follow them. It took me an hour and a half to get around the mountain to get back to them. I was thinking that at least a few of the pups must have died in this avalanche chute, basically. But I found them again, and they were all just curled up sleeping and taking a nap. They were totally fine.

That was just one of the most impressive feats of animal physical fitness, as well as seeing how they stay together as a cohesive pack. They didn't leave any pups behind. They didn't leave any other adults behind. They stayed together through a really challenging session and eventually they made another kill a couple of days later and had a really good feed. That was kind of heartwarming to think that they were able to keep going and function as a pack without their matriarch. 

One of the things that's really interesting about this series, is that it;s about the wolves, but on another secondary level, you and your photography become another aspect of the story. How does that work and how do you balance directing the audience and becoming a part of the story in this way. How does that work for you? 

Yeah, I mean that's not my happy place I would say [laughs]. This whole project came out of my wanting to do a magazine story as a photographer for National Geographic Magazine. The editor that I've worked with my entire five years at National Geographic, said to me, 'I would love to do this story. We just no longer have the budget to do this.' She said, "But you know, TV has those budgets. They're right across the hall. Let's go over and see what's possible.' So this whole project came out of our desire, myself and the editor, to do a magazine story, a photography story. And then it went through a couple of iterations and they asked would if I would be willing to go up there with a big crew and do this whole production and all this, and that's not the way to do it. 

So they turned that down and then eventually they asked if I would be willing to be on camera as one of the characters and be filmed doing the process. And I agreed. But you know, I never aspired to do television, to be on TV. I don't own a TV. I don't watch Nat Geo WILD. It's not like it was this goal of mine, to always do something like this. I wanted to tell the story of wild wolves, but I realized that television is the widest audience for consuming these types of wildlife stories. I wish the magazine had more of a following than it currently does, but that's just the nature of print media. And so I saw an opportunity in agreeing to be on camera and to be filmed doing my process as a photographer and filmmaker as a way to reach a wider audience.  

One of the hardest balances for me in this project  was that I'm also a wildlife cameraman, so I filmed half of the natural history for this series. And trying to juggle photographing for the magazine - because there's a story out in the current [September 2019] issue on the wolves - then also having to film for this TV series was really hard. There was another full time dedicated director of photography up there, his role was to film me during the process and then also to film natural history. And so the two of us would kind of shift back and forth. But that was hard. That was hard for me. Additionally, I was by myself a lot, so I wasn't able to do side-by-side video and photo. As a result, there were several moments where I had to choose what it was going to be. 'Is this going to be a sequence of photos or going to be a sequence of film?' That was a balance that was hard for me. 

Where do you go from here? What is your next project that you're working on, if you are working on anything at the moment? 

Yeah, well the immediate project is going back and trying to find that same pack again, but in winter. I always wanted to go see the wolves in winter. The powers that be were cautious about that, and they wanted to do this initial round in the summer and to see how it goes. It really comes down to how well this show rates. If it does well then I am going to push to go back in winter because these Arctic wolves, they're white wolves, they evolved on a predominantly snowy white landscape and they're at their strongest in winter, when their prey, the muskox, are at their weakest. So I want to see that. I want to go up there when it's negative 30 in February and the sun is just coming up from the horizon for the first time in five months when the wolves have these big, huge, bushy winter coats, and they're hunting muskox, which are tired and weak and there's breath and blood and white landscape. It would would just be gorgeous. 

Next: The Righteous Gemstones Review: Pitch Perfect Performances Elevate An Overstuffed Premiere

Kingdom of the White Wolf premieres Sunday, August 25 @8pm on Nat Geo WILD.

source https://screenrant.com/kingdom-white-wolf-interview-ronan-donovan-nat-geo-wild/