#and it's too late to take my anti depressant I have to wait til the morning

[myfanwymusings]

TAYLOR SWIFT - MIDNIGHTS (COMPLETE COLLECTION)

These lyrics come from Taylor Swift’s 2022 album, Midnights. It is her tenth studio album, and the fifth that she has owned fully. Lyrics may be modified to better fit roleplay situation, please feel free to adjust to your needs. Additionally, two solo tracks that were released in this era. This meme includes all standard tracks, Three A.M. tracks, The Late Night Edition vault track, the Til' Dawn Remixes, and any lyric changes in remixes. "Snow on the Beach (Feat. More Lana Del Rey)" was excluded due to no new lyrics.

LAVENDER HAZE

Meet me at midnight

You don't ever say too much

You don't really read into my melancholia

I find it dizzying

They're bringing up my history

All that shit is new to me

I feel that lavender haze creeping up on me

I'm damned if i do give a damn what people say

No deal

I just wanna stay in that lavender haze

All they keep asking me is if I'm gonna be your bride

The only kind of girl they see is a "one night" or a bride

You weren't even listening

Talk your talk

I just want this love spiral

Get it off my chest

Get it off my desk

MAROON

We lost track of time again

You were my closest friend

How'd we end up on the floor anyway?

Your roommates cheap-ass screw-top rose, that's how.

I see you every day now

I chose you

You were the one i was dancing with in New York

It was maroon

How the hell did we lose sight of us again?

How the hell did we lose sight?

Ain't that the way shit always ends?

I feel you no matter what

I lost you

I wake with your memory

I wake with your memory over me

That's a real fucking legacy

ANTI-HERO

I have this thing where i get older but just never wiser

Midnights have become my afternoons

My depression works the graveyard shift

I should not be left to my own devices

I wake up screaming from dreaming

wake up screaming from dreaming one day, I'll watch as your leaving

I wake up screaming from dreaming one day. I'll watch as you're leaving cause you got tired of my scheming

You got tired of my scheming

It's me, hi

I'm the problem, it's me

It must be exhausting, always rooting for the anti-hero

Sometimes, I feel like everybody is a sexy baby

Did you hear my covert narcissism might disguise as altruism?

Did you hear my covert narcissism might disguise as altruism, like some kind of congressman?

Life would lose all it's meaning for the last time

I have this dream my daughter-in-law kills me for the money she thinks I've left them in the will

She's laughing up at us from hell

SNOW ON THE BEACH (FEAT. LANA DEL REY)

One night, a few moons ago, I saw flecks of what could've been lights but it might just have been you passing by unbeknownst to me

Life is emotionally abusive

Time can't stop me quite like you did

My flight was awful

Thanks for asking

My flight was awful, thanks for asking

I'm unglued, thanks to you

It's like snow on the beach - weird, but fucking beautiful

You wanting me tonight feels impossible

It's coming down

It's all around

This scene feels like what I once saw on a screen

I searched "aurora borealis green"

I've never seen someone lit from within

Your smile feels like I've won a contest

To hide that would be so dishonest

It's fine to fake it til you make it

I can't speak, afraid to jinx it

I don't dare to even wish it

Can this be the real thing, can it?

YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN, KID

Summer went away, still, the yearning stays

It's okay, we're the best of friends

I hear it in your voice, you're smoking with your boys

I didn't choose this town, I dream of getting out

There's just one who could make me stay here for all my days

I waited ages to see you there

I search the party of better bodies, just to learn that you never cared

You're on your own, kid

You always have been

You're on your own, kid. You always have been

I see the great escape

I picked the petals, he loves me not

I'll run away

I called a taxi to take me there

I search the party of better bodies, just to learn that my dreams aren't rare

I gave my blood, sweat, and tears for this

I hosted parties and starved my body like I'd be saved by a perfect kiss

The jokes weren't funny,

I took the money

My friends from home don't know what to say

I saw something they can't take away

Everything you lose is a step you take

So, make the friendship bracelets, take the moment and taste it

You've got no reason to be afraid

You're on your own, kid. Yeah, you can face this

MIDNIGHT RAIN

He wanted it comfortable, I wanted that pain

He wanted a bride, I was making my own name

He stayed the same

All of me changed like midnight rain

My town was a wasteland, full of cages and full of fences but for some it was paradise

For some, it was paradise

My boy was a montage in slow-motion, of love potions and jumping off things into the ocean

I broke his heart cause he was nice

He was sunshine, I was midnight rain

He was sunshine

I was midnight rain

He wanted comfortable

I wanted that pain

He wanted a bride

I was making my own name, chasing the fame

It was the life I gave away

I guess sometimes we all get just what we wanted

He never thinks of me, except for when I'm on TV

He never thinks of me

I guess sometimes we all get some kind of haunted

I never think of him

I never think of him except on Midnights like this

QUESTION ...?

I remember

We had one thing going on and I swear that it was something

I don't remember who I was before you painted all my nights a colour I have searched for since

It's one thing after another

I have to say, by the way, that I just may like some explanations

Can I ask you a question?

Did you ever have someone kiss you in a crowded room?

Then what did you do?

Did you leave her house in the middle of the night?

Did you wish you'd put up more of a fight?

When she said it was too much, did you wish you could still touch her?

It's just a question?

Did you realize out of time?

You're not sure and I don't know

I just may like to have a conversation

Does it feel like everything is just like second best after that meteor strike?

What's that, that I heard? That your still with her?

That's nice, I'm sure that's what suitable and right

BEJEWELED

Baby love, I think I've been a little too kind

I think I've been a little too kind

I didn't notice you walking all over my peace of mind in the shoes I gave you as a present

Putting someone first only works when you're in their top five

By the way, I'm going out tonight

You best believe I'm still bejeweled

When I walk in the room, I can still make the whole place shimmer

Do you have a man?

I don't remember

Familiarity breeds contempt

Don't put mе in the basement, whеn I want the penthouse of your heart

I polish up real nice

Baby boy, I think I've been too good of a girl

I did all the extra credit, then got graded on a curve

I think it's time to teach some lessons

I made you my world, but have you heard that I can reclaim the land

I miss you but I miss sparkling

I miss you

I miss sparkling

Sadness became my whole sky

Some guy said my aura's moonstone, just 'cause he was high

You can try to change my mind but you might have to wait in line

What's a girl gonna do?

A diamond's gotta shine

VIGILANTE SHIT

Draw the cat eye sharp enough to kill a man

You did some bad things, but I'm the worst of them

Sometimes I wonder which one will be your last lie

They say that looks can kill and I might try

I don't dress for women

I don't dress for men

Lately, I've been dressing for revenge

I don't start shit but I can tell you how it ends

Don't get sad, get even

On the weekends, I don't dress for friends

She needed cold, hard proof, so I gave her some

She had the envelope, where you think she got it from?

Now she gets the house, gets the kids, gets the pride

Picture me thick as thieves with your ex-wife

She looks so pretty driving in your Benz

Lately, she's been dressing for revenge

She don't start shit, but she can tell you how it ends

So on the weekends, she don't dress for friends

Ladies always rise above

Ladies know that people want someone sweet and kind and fun

The lady simply had enough

While he was doing lines, and crossing all of mine, someone told his white collar crimes to the FBI

Someone told his white collar crimes to the FBI

I don't dress for villains or for innocents

I'm on my vigilante shit again

LABYRINTH

It only hurts this much right now

Breathe in, breathe through, breathe deep, breathe out

I'll be getting over you my whole life

You know how scared I am of elevators, never trust it if it rises fast

It can't last

Uh-oh, I'm falling in love

Oh no, I'm falling in love again

Oh, I'm falling in love

I thought the plane was going down, how'd you turn it right around?

It only feels this raw right now

I'm lost in the labyrinth of my mind

You would break your back to make me break a smile

You know how much I hate that everybody just expects me to bounce back.

Just like that

KARMA

You're talking shit for the hell of it

Addicted to betrayal, but you're relevant

You're terrified to look down cause if you dare, you'll see the glare of everyone you burned just to get there

It's coming back around

I keep my side of the street clean, you wouldn't know what I mean

Karma is my boyfriend

Karma is a god

Karma is the breeze in my hair on the weekend

Karma's a relaxing thought, aren't you envious that for you it's not?

Karma is a cat purring in my lap, cause it loves me

Me and karma vibe like that

My pennies made your crown

Don't you know that cash ain't the only price?

It's coming back around

Ask me what I've learned from all those years

Ask me what I've earned from all those tears

Ask me why so many fade but I'm still here

Karma is the thunder rattling the ground

Karma's on your scent like a bounty hunter

Karma's gonna track you down, step by step from town to town

Karma is queen

Karma takes all my friends to the summit

Karma is the guy on the screen coming straight home to me

SWEET NOTHING

I spy with my little tired eye, as tiny as a firefly, a pebble that we picked up last July down deep inside your pocket

We almost forgot it

Do they ever miss Wicklow sometimes?

They say the end is coming

Everyone's up to something

I come home running to your sweet nothings

All that you've ever wanted from me was sweet nothing

On the way home, I wrote a poem

What a mind!

This happens all the time

Industry disruptors and soul deconstructors and smooth talking hucksters are glad handing each other

All the voices all implore that I should be doing more

I'm just too soft for all of it

MASTERMIND

Once upon a time, the planets and the fates and all the stars aligned so that you and I would end up in the same room at the same time

The touch of your hand lit the fuse for a chain reaction of counter moves to assess the equation of you

Checkmate, I couldn't lose

What if I told you none of it was accidental?

The first time that you saw me, I knew that nothing was gonna stop me

I laid the groundwork

Just like clockwork, the domino's cascaded in a line

What if I told you I'm a mastermind?

Now you're mine

It was all by design

I'm a mastermind

All the wisest women had to do it this way

All the wisest women had to do it this way cause we were born to be the pawn in every lovers game

We were born to be the pawn in every lovers game

If you fail to plan then you plan to fail

I'm the wind in our free-flowing sails and the liquor in our cocktails

No one wanted to play with me as a little kid, so I've been scheming like a criminal ever since to make them love me and make it seem effortless

No one wanted to play with me as a little kid

I've been scheming like a criminal ever since

This is the first time that I feel the need to confess

I swear that I'm only cryptic and Machiavellian cause I care

I told you none of it was accidental

The first time that you saw me I knew i wanted your body

You knew the entire time!?

You knew that I'm a mastermind

I'm a mastermind and now you're mine

THE GREAT WAR

My knuckles were bruised like violets from sucker punching walls,

I cursed you as I sleep-talked

I was spineless in my tomb of silence

I tore the banners down, and took the battle underground

Maybe it was the egos swinging

Maybe it was her

The flashes of the battle come back to me in a blur

All that bloodshed in crimson clover

The sweet dream was over

My hand was the one you reached for all throughout the Great War

We'll always remember

I vow not to cry anymore if we survived the Great War

You drew up some good faith treaties

I drew curtains closed and drank my poison all alone

You said I have to trust more freely

Diesel is desire, you were playing with fire

Maybe it's the past that's talking, screaming from the crypt, telling me to punish you for things you never did

I justified it

The bombs were closer

My hand was the one you reached for

All throughout the Great War

I'll always remember the burning embers

I vowed not to fight anymore if we survived the Great War

It turned into something bigger

Somewhere in the haze, got a sense I'd been betrayed

But you looked up at me with honor and truth

I called off the troops

That was the night I nearly lost you

I really thought I'd lost you

We can plant a memory garden

Say a solemn prayer

I'll place a poppy in my hair

There's no morning glory, it was war, it wasn't fair

We will never go back

BIGGER THAN THE WHOLE SKY

No words appear before me in the aftermath

Every single thing I touch becomes sick with sadness

It's all over now, all out to sea

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

You were bigger than the whole sky

You were more than just a short time

I've got a lot to pine about

I've got a lot to live without

I'm never gonna meet what could've been, would've been, what should've been you

Did some force take you because I didn't pray?

Every single thing to come has turned into ashes

It's all over, it's not meant to be

I'll say words I don't believe

PARIS

Your ex-friend's sister met someone at a club and he kissed her. Turns out, it was that guy you hooked up with ages ago. Some wannabe Z-lister. And all the outfits were terrible. 2003 unbearable. Did you see the photos?

Your ex-friend's sister, met someone at a club and he kissed her.

It was that guy you hooked up with ages ago

All the outfits were terrible

Did you see the photos?

No, I didn't, but thanks, though

I'm so in love that I might stop breathing

No, I didn't see the news

We were somewhere else

I was taken by the view

We were in Paris

The privacy sign's on the door

Romance is not dead if you keep it just yours

Sit quiet by my side in the shade.

I wanna brainwash you into loving me forever

I wanna transport you to somewhere the culture's clever

I want to confess my truth in swooping, sloping, cursive letters

HIGH INFIDELITY

You said I was freeloading

I didn't know you were keeping count

Put on your records and regret me

I bent the truth too far tonight and I was dancing around it

Put on your headphones and burn my city

Your picket fence is sharp as knives

Do you really wanna know where I was April 29th?

Do I really have to chart the constellations in his eyes?

Storm coming, good husband

I dragged my feet right down the aisle

I'd pay if you'd just know me

It seemed like the right thing at the time

You know there's many different ways that you can kill the one you love, the slowest way is never loving them enough

You know there's many different ways that you can kill the one you love

Do I really have to tell you how he brought me back to life?

It's never enough

GLITCH

We were supposed to be just friends

You don't live in my part of town, but maybe I'll see you out some weekend depending on what kind of mood and situationship I'm in and what's in my system

You don't live in my part of town

Maybe I'll see you out some weekend depending on what kind of mood and situationship

What's in my system?

I think there's been a glitch.

I'm not even sorry

It must be counterfeit

I was supposed to sweat you out

In search of glorious happenings of happenstance on someone else's playground

It's been two-thousand one-hundred ninety days of our love blackout

Our love is blacking out

The system's breaking down

I'll go back to wanting dudes who give nothing

I thought we had no chance

That's romance.

Let's dance

WOULD'VE COULD'VE SHOULD'VE

If you would've blinked, then I would've looked away at the first glance

If you tasted poison, you could've spit me out at the first chance

And if I was some paint, did it splatter on a promising grown man?

If I was a child, did it matter, if you got to wash your hands?

All I used to do was pray: would've, could've, should've

If you'd never looked my way, I would've stayed on my knees

I damn sure never would've danced with the devil a5 nineteen

The God's honest truth is that the pain was heaven

Now that I'm grown, I'm scared of ghosts

Memories feel like weapons

Now that I know, I wish you'd left me wondering

If you never touched me, I would've gone along with the righteous

If I never blushed, then they could've never whispered about this

If you never saved me from boredom I could've gone on as I was

Lord, you made me feel important until you tried to erase us

You're a crisis of my faith

If I'd only played it safe

I would've stayed on my knees and I damn sure never would've danced with the devil at nineteen

God rest my soul

I miss who I used to be

The tomb won't close

I regret you all the time

I can't let this go

I fight with you in my sleep

The wound won't close

I keep on waiting for a sign

I regret you all the time

If clarity's in death, then why won't this die?

Living for the thrill of hitting you where it hurts

Give me back my girlhood, it was mine first

DEAR READER

If it feels like a trap, you're already in one

Get out your map. Pick somewhere and just run

Burn all the files

Desert all your past lives. If you don't recognize yourself that means you did it right

Never take advice from someone who's falling apart

You should find another

Bend when you can, snap when you have to

You don't have to answer just cause they asked you

The greatest of luxuries is your secrets

When you aim at the devil make sure you don't miss

I wander through these nights

I prefer hiding in plain sight

These are desperate prayers of a cursed man, spilling out to you for free

Darling, darling, please

You wouldn't take my word for it if you knew who was talking

I'm walking to a house, not a home, all alone 'cause nobody's there

I pace in my pen and my friends found friends who care

No one sees when you lose when you're playing solitaire

You should find another guiding light, but I shine so bright

HITS DIFFERENT

I washed my hands of us at the club

You made a mess of me

I pictured you with other girls in love, then threw up on the street

They say that if it's right, you know

Each bar plays our song and nothing has ever felt so wrong

Oh my, love is a lie

It hits different

It hits different this time

Moving on was always easy for me to do

It hits different 'cause it's you

I used to switch out these Kens and just ghost

Just rip the Band-Aid off and skip town like an asshole outlaw

Freedom felt like summer then on the coast but now the sun burns my heart and the sand hurts my feelings

I never don't cry at the bar

My sadness is contagious

I slurred your name 'til someone puts me in a car

I stopped receiving invitations

I found the artifacts

I cried over a hat

Curse the space that I needed

I'll trace the evidence to make it make some sense

Why's the wound is still bleeding?

You were the one that I loved

You don't need another metaphor, it's simple enough

This is why they shouldn't kill off the main guy

In the good in the world, you once believed in me

I felt you and I held you for a while

I could still melt your world

I heard your key turn in the door down the hallway

Is that your key in the door?

Is it okay?

Is it you?

Have they come to take me away?

KARMA (FEAT. ICE SPICE)

Karma is that girl

Karma is your chеck about to bounce

Karma is a fire in your house

She's about to pop up unannounced

She is never leaving you alone

Now your switching up your behavior

It's okay, baby, you ain't gotta worry

Karma never gets lazy

Keep your head up

I won't let up

Karma is a beauty winning that pageant

YOU'RE LOSING ME

I don't understand

I know you don't

We thought a cure would come through in time, now, I fear it won't

I remember looking at this room, and loving it cause of the light

I just sit in the dark and wonder if it's time

Do I throw out everything we built or keep it?

I'm getting tired even for a phoenix that's always rising from the ashes and mending all my gashes

You might just have dealt the final blow

Stop, you're losing me

I can't find a pulse

My heart won't start anymore for you

You're losing me

Every morning, I glared at you with storms in my eyes

How can you say that you love someone you can't tell is dying?

I sent you signals

My face was gray, but you wouldn't admit that we were sick

The air is thick with loss and indecision

I know my pain is such an imposition

You know what they all say

You don't know what you got until it's gone

How long could we be a sad song?

We were too far gone to bring back to life

I gave you all my best me's and my endless empathy

All I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier fighting in only your army

Don't you ignore me

I'm the best thing at this party

I wouldn't marry me either

I'm a pathological people pleaser who only wanted you to see her

I'm fading

Do something, babe, say something

Lose something, babe, risk something

"Choose something, babe,

I got nothing to believe, unless you're choosing me

My heart won't start anymore

ANTI-HERO (FEAT. BLEACHERS)

Sometimes, I feel like everybody is an art bro lately

I just judge them on the hill

Maybe I'm the problem, it's me

____, you'll be fine

[thesassywitchofthenortheast]

So I woke up today still feeling sad and gloomy about our beloved show coming to an end, at least for me. I didn't think I'd have such an emotional reaction to this. I had somewhat disconnected from the show during winter hiatus, and when I initially saw the news that JMo was leaving I wasn't that upset. Of course I was sad but nothing like I am now. Now I feel depressed, like a part of me has been taken and I wasn't prepared for it. I didn't realize how connected I still was to the show, not just Captain Swan. Without the show I wouldn't have met, Caroline, my best friend. One of two people who I tell everything too without fear of judgement or ridicule. I'm in a place now that's very similar to season 1 Emma, I have been for awhile. I still have walls and I'm afraid to trust, to let myself be vulnerable. Caroline and Tiffy are really the only people I'm not afraid to be myself with. To truly be myself with. So watching Emma's story unfold, to see her go from where she started to where she is now means something to me. Knowing that someday I can get to that place too. A place of vulnerability and openness, a place where I'm isn't afraid to love someone to let them in completely. (that's not her immediate family). Emma Swan is inspiring to me, a person I strive to be like. Strong and brave. So knowing that her story is over, that I will no longer have that in my life every week is upsetting. The only good thing is that there is always Netflix and the seasons on DVD. I will always, we will always have her and her story. But at the same time knowing it's at its end, that's there's nothing new to look forward too every week is sad. I'm sad. I will forever be thankful for this show, for Emma Swan. For Killian Jones, showing me and proving to me that there is always someone out there you cares about you enough to wait. To go at your pace and never waver in their feelings for you. Who is patient and kind and loving. I don't know how I'll feel about being on Tumblr after Sunday. I may not return after it's over, I may take a break and come back when I'm not sad, or maybe I'll stay and not even think about leaving. But right now, right now I don't know. There's so many amazing people in this fandom and I don't ever want to lose this community but at the same time I don't know where I want to be, if I want to be here after Emma's story has ended. This is probably a mess of words, but I needed to get my feelings down and out before I go into work. I needed to remind myself that it's okay to be upset about this.

[tinkdw]

Mixtapes are Romantic

We all know it, everyone who recognises a trope knows it. @margarittet and I just wanted to catalogue a few obvious ones in one place to put this to rest.

So what is a trope? 

It’s an agreed-upon narrative, an archetypal, recognisable reading of a story or situation, a kind of narrative stereotype. Tvtropes says “tropes are devices and conventions that a writer can reasonably rely on as being present in the audience members' minds and expectations”.

So essentially a trope is a way for a writer to tell the audience something, something important that they want to get across without saying blatantly out loud... yet. They have pay off but in the mean time it’s a means to convey the authors INTENT and for the audience to be prepared when the pay off happens without being surprised.

Examples of tropes in Supernatural: 

- The cough of death. If you just cough once on screen, you’re gonna die (or at the very least it’s showing there’s a BIG health issue at hand) eg. Karen. It’s not like coughing irl. This is a long running laughed about trope in hospital dramas, you come in with an unknown cancerous tumour that should definitely kill you, you are cured and live! BUT the guy in the bed next to you who thought he was just there for a check up coughs once and he’s the one who dies.

- Love nostalgia songs. Dean singing along to “can’t fight this feeling” as a romantic link to Jo with lyrics “what started out as friendship has grown stronger”. Dean later singing along to “all outta love” as a romantic link to Cas after his death where he now feels huge guilt with lyrics “I’m so lost without you, I know you were right believing for so long, what am I without you, it cant be too late to say that I was so wrong”. 

- Redemption = Death. As soon as “bad guy” Crowley saved Cas in 12x12 and seemed on a path to bettering himself/redemption. DEAD. It’s a standard semi-villain trope, eg. Darth Vader.

- Sadness Tropes. Depression, lack of sense of belonging etc.  When Cas in early season 11 had a meltdown the flashbacks are a PTSD trope. It’s thus clear his depression is going to have a key role in the story. It led directly to saying yes to Lucifer after this was exposed further by Ambriel, but the earlier meltdown is the set up trope. 

- Longing looks and held gazes. Need I say more.

- The male gaze. The 8x07 gaze trope as Cas exits the bathroom and Dean has a full body and face reaction.

- Star crossed lovers. Lovers who are told they cannot be together. Usually due to fate, duty, family, cultural norms, or, for example sacred oaths... something will always be in the way, until it isn’t or they die.

These are standard tropes of storytelling, they pay off. The trope is there to show us the author’s intent to do so. So mixtapes, what do they tell us?

Let’s set the scene with what I believe is the most succinct quote below:

“Maybe I need some kind of a gesture. You know, something that says we’re moving forward without having to talk about it...” “A mixtape?”

1. High Fidelity - of course is the place to start, Rob making Laura a mixtape to show how he feels (romantic love of course).

“the making of a good compilation tape is a very subtle art. Many do’s and don’ts. First of all, you’re using someone else’s poetry to express how you feel. This is a delicate thing.”

2. Bring it On - This is my favourite, cos hey, I grew up with this movie :) So Cliff gives Torrance a mixtape to show he’s crushing on her and I shit you not the lyrics repeated over and over again are “you’re what I need!”:

“Cliff makes Torrance a mixtape that even by 2000 standards would have been outdated technology, to say nothing of the fact that all these characters would have been listening to their music in MP3 form in just a few months. Still, in movies and in real life, mixtapes have special properties, and this one gives Torrance the drive to push through the final leg of the story. It’s a lot more romantic than, say, giving someone a thumbdrive” - People Magazine

“Even by 2000 standards”. Yep 17 YEARS later it’s even better, especially when the recipient doesn't even have a tape player in their car so it’s literally JUST a trope for the trope’s sake. They could have given Cas any excuse to talk to Dean, he could have asked for his phone to be charged, his car to be fixed to get Dean out of his room, whatever, it could have been a borrowed tape that was clearly Dean’s and not a gift. Anyway he didn’t even need an excuse, he could have just gone to talk to him as buddies/brothers would after the heated exchange earlier, they’ve talked in his room before, there was no plot narrative NEED for the gift of a romantic trope mixtape (of crotch rock music that is already associated with love interests, Jo saying that’s how men think they get into her panties and John/Mary)  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

3. Friends - 8x11 The one with Ross’s step forward.

Ross says: “Maybe I need some kind of a gesture. You know, something that says we're moving forward without having to talk about it.” 

Rachel & Phoebe tell Ross to give her a mixtape ;)

4. Friends -  Monica & Chandler and Chandler & Janice. A mixtape is seen as a romantic gesture twice in one episode. It’s undeniably romantic.

5. Family Guy - 4x08. Stewie comically makes a mixtape for his crush (the babysitter) because it’s such a recognisable trope.

6. Guardians of the Galaxy - I keep seeing this used as an anti argument and it’s kinda hilarious as there’s one instance of it as a platonic parent-child gift but everything else around it is 100% romantic and it’s use is overtly romantic for the protagonist. It’s a platonic sandwich (starlord-mom) between two bits of romantic bread (mom-dad and Starlord-Gamorrah). It represents the love of his mom for his dad, her gift is a legacy of that love that she then gifts to her child. Starlord then in GotG 2 uses it to woo Gamorrah, thus reinstating the original romantic meaning of the mixtape and it’s music in the movie.

7. No Strings Attached - As Adam’s feelings becomes more obviously romantic, he’s jealous of others and wants to take it to the next level, he gifts her a mixCD because it’s 2011 and a mixtape would be so outdated and too obvious a cliché for even this tacky romcom.... uhhhh ;)

Emma: “Adam, did you make me a period mix?”  Friend: “That’s so romantic!”

*Tink stares into the camera*

8. Cuban Fury - Bruce makes Julia a mixtape to show her how he feels (hint, it’s romatic, shocker I know!), he is kind and respectful of her. This is directly compared with Drew who also is vying for her attentions but does so in a sleazy and patronising way. The mixtape represents his romantic feelings and the time, thought and effort that went into making it, showcasing him as a caring person who cares for her in particular.

So yeah, mixtapes are romantic. They’re consistently romantic and used as a “moving this relationship to the next level, trying to tell you how I feel without saying it out loud” trope.

It’s so weird that they’d use a romance trope here though right? There’s been no reason to read the two of them as written as a love story for 9 years. It’s so out of the blue! No-one has noticed this before now! I’M SHOCKED AT THIS UNFORSEEN TURN OF EVENTS. 

If only there were other indications that this was just a part of the consistent theme between Dean and Cas, that it felt like the author intent in season 12 was to show us “you know, something that says we’re moving forward without having to talk about it”...oh wait ;)

I feel like this is enough, there’s no need to flog a dead horse after all. It’s a romance trope. Some lovely people did send me more though so they’re below the cut :)

- https://youtu.be/b-Uztuhzedc - mixtape puppet musical, I didn’t know I needed this til I saw it :p - Nick & Norah’s infinite playlist - Not another teen movie - The perks of being a wallflower - Juno - Without a Paddle - The secret life of Walter Mitty - Boogie Nights

[yuhb0y]

Hard to believe this post was 3 years ago. My first suicide attempt led me to be institutionalized and it was probably the scariest thing I’ve ever had to go through. I remember waking up in the middle of the night one day and crying harder than I had ever cried, I don’t really remember what it was about this specific day but at some point throughout the thought came into my head that this was finally it.

I wrote a letter to my family and texted the girl I loved a huge apology. This was all going on during the worst drug binge I had ever been on. I took one last shower idk why but I did, I sat down on my couch and really reflected on everything I could for as long as I could but in a moments notice I realized that I didn’t really want to overthink the whole situation so I gathered about 12 or 14 norcos in my hand and just swallowed them whole. I continued to do so til there wasn’t anything left of the 2 bottles I had gotten my hands on. I remember going in for the last handful and feeling some sort of relief.

And just like that I leaned back and could feel my head get lighter and lighter and I as I got higher all I could remember is crying. Even in the moments I had hoped to be my last I felt inadequate. There was no peace, there was no instance where this all made sense to me, I found nothing. This was everything I had allowed to eat away at me taking all control and I just sat there crying because it was the worst realization I had ever made.

Eventually I blacked out and I guess my mother found me with puke coming out my mouth. I was still a bit coherent but everything was so fucking hazy. I don’t really know how my mom did it but she got me into her car and drove me to the hospital where she worked at (and ironically the one I was born at.) It was about 5am and I remember seeing rain fall down on a world that wasn’t quite awake yet out the car window as I came in and out of this horrible state I was in, my mom kept shaking me to stay awake.

When I got to the hospital I was in a drug induced frenzy, I tried to fight staff and police cuz they wanted to strip me (staff even stole my phone charger but I don’t blame them) Eventually I was put into an er room. Too much time had gone by and they said they couldn’t pump my stomach, so I had to wait out the worst high of my life. I spent about 9 hours vomiting, crying with my parents, and slipping in and out of consciousness cuz I was not allowed to fall asleep under any circumstances in case I didn’t wake back up.  This was it, this was my defeat, nothing after this would be the same whether I lived or died, everything would change.  

All I really remember was thinking about my siblings and my late grandmother. My siblings and my parents are everything to me and all I felt was shame. More shame than I’ve ever felt in my life. I had to start training for a new job that week and all I remember thinking is “What do I tell them?” “Does the rest of my family know?” “How do I explain this to anyone?” I was at the lowest I had ever been in my life and I thought no one could understand.  

The whole 9 hours I was in the er I wasn’t allowed water for fear of choking to death. I vomited the entire time and cried more than I had ever in my 19 years of living, I confessed my feelings to my parents and everything I had felt up to that point, I told them I had been depressed since I was a child and how I was hiding this drug problem from them, and they both just kept telling me they loved me and that everything was gonna be ok.  

I really didn’t have a choice when it came to being put in the psych ward, my parents really pushed it and I didn’t really know what to do in this situation. I signed a dotted line and hugged my mom and dad like it was the last time I was gonna see them. I was stripped searched one last time and taken to a room with the clothes I arrived in.  

I remember sleeping most of the time when I first got there. My roommate was a rich kid like two years older than me with a history of drug abuse and destruction of property. His name was Michael and he was there as part of court-sentenced rehabilitation, he had taken abunch of xanax and crashed his rich dads car into a building. He was kinda scary and read the bible all the time in order to “get right with god.” He even stole one of my tshirts by proclaiming to me one morning “This is mine now Eli.” We had planned to stay in contact when I got out but that never happened. Most nights we’d talk til one of us passed out, when you’re put into a setting like that it really changes alot of things, I feel like he knew me better than most people know me now. I hope he’s doing ok where ever he is, I hope he’s better cuz he atleast deserves that.  

I actually made friends in there and they helped me out more than any of the therapy or group activities. Our lunch table consisted of me, this man Mark that was an alcoholic and decorated college professor with 4 kids, grandkids and a girlfriend, he attempted to hang himself from his bedroom window and ended up falling 3 stories and breaking his arm, this was his 6th stay in a mental institution. There was Greg, a theater actor that was down on his luck, he never told me how he tried to do it but that didn’t matter, he had struggled with depression since he was a teenager and by the end of his stay he was really stoked on getting this part in a play. There was another Michael he was also my age, he was in there cuz he almost drank himself to death and received alcohol poisoning, he had been away at college when it happened and his family thought it’d be good for him to check himself in before going to rehab, we talked about death metal and videogames all the time and he was the only one that ever wanted to take walks with me. Finally there was Dave, he was a terminal cancer patient with a degree in architecture, he had two kids and a wife, he slashed his arms with a kitchen knife, he was usually on bed rest but he was the only one that was ever up as early as I was and we were always the first ones up for breakfast, I think I helped him more than he helped me. These men helped me out so much, especially Mark, I couldn’t believe such a smart and experienced person could feel the way I did, he was the first person that really taught me about coping with depression and he just taught me so much about regular life stuff and I’m forever grateful for that, I had tried to contact him when I was out but could never get a hold of him. I hope he didn’t die, that’s my biggest fear. I hope no one died, I hope they’re all still here. It’s horrible to think like that but it’s hard not to.  

While I was in there I got regular visits from friends and the girl I was in love with, she even made out with me once in there and some staff saw and scolded me but I just thought it was funny. Seeing her was the one thing I looked forward to the most cuz she came everyday and I would literally count down the minutes and hours til she arrived and I couldn’t help but get super stoked everytime, I was really in love. Visits helped me alot since I had no means of contact with the outside world. I remember writing letters to my mom and dad and said girl. I would draw alot and write alot and I even read some books which I never do. One thing I couldn’t do was listen to music and that was probably the most annoying thing ever. I watched movies everyday too with my roommate and we even started a “movie time” in the wreck room, I remember watching A Bronx Tale one day and 2 ladies were really offended cuz they swore alot, we didn’t care though.  

I was in there for about 8 or 9 days until I was discharged on short notice. My aunt Maggie had lost her fight with diabetes and had passed away while I was in there. She was the only one that ever came to my shows and she was my mom’s best friend, she was a wonderful person and I loved her alot, it just made my situation worse losing her. The hospital let me out early so I could attend her funeral. I was diagnosed with dysthymia and prescribed anti-depressants and handed a 2,000 dollar medical bill and sent on my way.  

It was all surreal, the day i got out my mom picked me up and we headed home to pack since we were headed to Wisconsin to bury my aunt on her tribes’ reservation, I brought my girl too. We were off to Wisconsin, here I was not even 12 hours out and on my way to send off my beloved aunt, I didn’t know how to feel, everyting was happening so fast. The funeral actually wasn’t sad, of course my family and i cried but it was a very beautiful native american ceremony. There was dancing and a huge bonfire and a feast and we told stories about Maggie, it lasted 2 days, there was a ton of my family and none of them knew what I had just been through so i had to just pretend like I was ok, but either way it wouldn’t really be appropriate to talk about that shit there. The only person that knew was my uncle who’s wife we were burying, I remember him hugging me and telling me he loved me and I just held him and told him I loved him too, I felt like a jackass cuz he already had enough going on. We burried my aunt next to her mother one morning and I put a rose on her casket. Death is a very real thing and I had been face to face with it and this whole experience was insane.  

We stayed the whole weekend on this beautiful reservation and I remember just being with my girl and feeling lucky to be alive. It was like some straight up movie shit, I remember one night I was just hanging out with her in front of this lake and just kissing her and it was dark and we were in the middle of all this scenery and the whole time the weather was gloomy since it was fall and it was cold but I didn’t care I just kissed her and told her I loved her, it was intense.  

When I was back home I got back into the groove of things and began to live life again cuz I didn’t really wanna think about all I had been through for a bit. I remember talking to friends and family members about it, some conversations were more sincere than others. When you almost die everyone loves you.  

Depression is a very serious thing. It doesn’t take a break, it can take over anyone, your mother, your girlfriend, your boss, your teacher, no one is really in the clear. Depression is a monster that eats away at alot of us and some of us don’t make it out in one piece. If you ever feel like you’re going through something, please don’t do it alone, even if you feel like you are, you’re not. It took a drug overdose for me to realize that and it shouldn’t have been that way. Feeling like shit about yourself is completely normal, we’re literally the most complex organisms on this planet with even more complex feelings and ideas, it’s perfectly alright to feel down sometimes, it’s completely natural. I’m just saying you should never feel like you need to hide the way you’re feeling and you should never be scared of reaching out to someone, we all have people that care about us and if they’re all real, they’ll definitely understand. Don’t wait until it’s too late like I did. Don’t wake up one morning after bottling everything up and make a decision you can’t take back. Don’t break your mother’s heart. Don’t let this take you. You are more than this and you deserve more, you owe it to yourself. Love yourself and let the love of others guide you down this dark path, it’s the only way.  

Three years have gone by. Three years. I still struggle everyday with these thoughts in my head and some days are harder than others. Sometimes I feel like giving up and making everything go away. Three years have gone by and I don’t do drugs anymore, I’ve had my moments of weakness but I never went back to that shit. Three years have gone by and the friends I had back then are still here, and I love them with all my heart. Three years have gone by and some friends have parted ways with me but I love them too. Three years have gone by and the girl I wrote those letters to burned them all. Three years have gone by and I attempted suicide again. Three years have gone by, I’ve made some progress and had some setbacks. Three years have gone by and I’ve fucked up alot of things in my life. Three years have gone by and I’ve hurt some people and have been hurt myself. Three years have gone by and I’ve done some cool shit. Three years have gone by and music has always been there for me. Three years have gone by and my relationship with my parents is better. Three years have gone by and alot has changed. Three years have gone by and I’m happy I’m still here.  Three years have gone by and I hope if you’re reading this and you struggle with something similar I want you to know that it’s not gonna get better right away, this horrible feeling will probably never leave you but goddamnit you are strong and you are amazing and life is amazing and there’s so much of it you gotta see. And when it’s all said and done you will be more than this.  

Always remember that I’ll always love you and I’ll always be here for you even in the darkest times. Maybe you’ll feel different when the sun rises.

[babysquirrelkat-blog]

Introduction Post

It’s been a while since I’ve been back to Tumblr.  Things got pretty good in my life and I didn’t need it as much.  For several years Tumblr was my crutch.  It was my way of fulfilling my human need for socialization and peer bonding.  That might sound sad and pathetic... :/  I’ve been mentally ill since 2008. Although I suspect that my issues go much further back and on into my childhood.  2008, when I was 19, may have just been when my brain just finally blew its breakers so to speak.  I was smoking a lot of pot back then.  Did some coricidins, and went into psychosis.  They originally diagnosed me with drug induced psychosis.  I of course didn’t believe I was sick, and I kept smoking pot, which prolonged my psychosis long enough for them to diagnose me with schizophrenia.  I lost all of my friends and even a lot of my family.  I no longer knew myself let alone anyone else.  I had to get to know my own mother again; learn who she was.  Some of my family I never got to know again, because they demonized me for being ill.

For a while I didn’t leave my house, and if I did, I didn’t leave the car.  A trip to the grocery store meant a half and hour or more waiting in the car because I was too frightened to go inside.  My mom would get annoyed with me.  Flash forward a year or so, I would leave the house, but every where I went was a panic attack waiting to happen.  I would start feeling unsafe, my heart would start pounding, everything and everyone around me started feeling too close, too loud, too bright, and too threatening.  I started feeling that the people around me where going to hurt me, imprison me, or kill me. My mom was constantly pissed at me for running out of restaurants to smoke a cigarette during a meal... and then just never coming back inside.

I slowly got better.  Very slowly.  I didn’t regain a social life or my own personality.  I lost my liberal ideologies because of the catholic delusions I experienced during psychosis.  I had no original or individual ideas. I was sorta an asshat. A nice asshat with as much manners as my anxiety could not interfere with, but an asshat.

I thought life was always going to be completely bland.  I thought I was going to grow old in my childhood bedroom at my mothers house.  I wasn’t going to marry or have children. I had a lot of potential at one time.  I was beautiful, talented, creative, smart and passionate.  The anti-psychotics had taken me from a teeny tiny 96lbs at 4′11″ to 238 lbs.  I had acne all over my face. It’s riddled with scars.  I never had acne before the medications. I stopped having periods.  I had two periods that started on their own and maybe 3-4 that were started with pills from my doctor in the span of 6 years. 5-6 periods in 6 years.  I felt broken.  I felt less like of a woman. I had no confidence left.  I spent all my time on Tumblr and watching my fandom shows. From age 19-25 I had very little contact with any one my age.  I felt like I was old before I ever got a chance to be young.

In 2012 or so I was diagnosed with schizoaffective.  Schizophrenia and bipolar.  There was also PTSD, Primary O OCD, shit tons of anxiety and depression, and some slight movement disorders from the drugs.

In July of 2014 I took myself off all of the drugs.  The CNP who was in charge of my case flipped out.  She called me non-compliant and a liar.  Even sent a nasty letter to my college financial aid.  She didn’t believe mental illness was an excuse for the symptoms of those mental illnesses.  I’ve ran into that a lot over the years.  Even from the people who claim to be the most supportive.  My mother thinks she is the champion of my mental health.  Maybe she is in her own ways.  But there are things she has never quite grasped.  She could never understand why I couldn’t clean the entire house if being unemployed gave me all the time in the world to do so. Being on Tumblr made her think I was childish.  She had even me convinced that because of trauma I was stuck at 16 years old and would always be a child.  She treated me like a lazy bratty teenager instead of recognizing my symptoms.  She had people in my family doing the same.  Calling me to lecture me.  Telling me I should be praying for the health of other people if I wanted to get better.  My aunt told me that she has to force herself out of bed some days to get to work. As to say, you aren’t the only one who has depression.  That I should be able to deal with it better and not complain.  Other people had it worse.  Well after 7 years in bed I finally forced myself out the front door, so to speak, so perhaps her argument almost had a leg to stand on.

After going off meds, I started to regain myself.  I got a lot of shit.  Everything I said happened to me during the day was still perceived with a lot of skepticism.  If I said someone said something to me at the store, no matter what it was, or how believable, I was still asked, “Are you sure that’s what happened.”

In 2015 I met a guy online and we started dating.  We were extremely happy.  He helped me find who I was again.  I started to remember myself.  Which so happens to be a somewhat bitchy siren cunt from a feminist dimension on the other side of a portal that popped out of a earthy hippie chick’s mirror.... Or well something like that.   Sometimes I’m a complete mother hen to my friends, I worry about them.  I do things for them.  I take care of everyone in my small circle.  I stress and I panic and I cook and I drive a mini van.  I get angry when someone threatens who and what I love and that anger comes out of me like a tidal wave.  I even found out that I act quick in an emergency.

In August of 2015 I started having convulsions and an abnormal gait.  A year and a half later I am doing somewhat better.  I have found that the shaking and inability to walk is a manifestation of my anxiety.  It only happens when my anxiety has been triggered, specifically during PTSD episodes.  A loud noise could send me to the floor screaming and shaking.  It made me feel scared at first.  The life I had just regained was ending all over again.  But it has subsided quite a lot.

My boyfriend was put in jail for a DUI on Nov 2 2015.  My mental health deteriorated without him. I felt lost in a void.  He got out Feb 25 2016 and I felt so far from him.  He didn’t seem real.  Where before he was the only thing breaking through my dissociation.  I could touch him then and he was as far away as all the rest of reality.  I still refused to start meds again.  The meds kept me sick.  I needed to be able to deal with this all on my own.  I still do.  The meds are not my answer.

My boyfriend was also having issues of his own.  He was taking half his klonopin pills as soon as he got the bottles.  He lost his job.  He was awful on the pills.  I finally told him it was the pills or me.  He flushed them and it hasnt been a problem since.  Although, I did worry he would resent me for it. 

He and I have had a lot of problems here recently.  We moved into out own apartment in September 2016.  He has been working 2nd shift and staying up all night, sleeping all day.  This has left me alone a lot.  I don’t feel like he listens to a lot that I say.  He’s constantly irritating me with sexist remarks.  He’s constantly turning my arguments into his.  I don’t let him.  I call him on his bullshit every time.  He will interrupt me talking about what’s important to me so he can talk about some random ass shit that had nothing to do with anything.  Which wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t talk for half an hour.  If I interrupt him to finish what I was saying for five seconds he uses that as an excuse to say that I’m the real problem.  I suppose that’s half the time.  The other half we get along really well.  Like really well.  Which is wonderful.

I still want to marry him.  I want to have his baby. I want to beat him with a frying pan and then snuggle with him while we watch Supernatural.  Did I mention we finally started trying to conceive now that I can have periods again.  First month we tried was this last month.  My cycle is 33 days. So I started testing like a crazy person 14dpo... everything has been negative.  I’m now a week late on my period and my tests are so negative they aren’t even getting evap lines anymore( I test all the time even though we weren’t officially trying til this last month).  My lady bits totally choked with 10 seconds left in the game.

So I’ve been pretty depressed these last few weeks.  I’m stressed out.  I’m a taxi driver for my boyfriends brother.  Taking him everywhere, taking the boyfriend to work, driving my sister everyonce and a while.  I’m in a play.  Which only takes up about 9 hours a week.  Yet, I have been so stressed out that I’ve not been able to take care of myself.  I don’t have the energy to cook much, eat healthy, do laundry, bathe.  I’m gaining weight from easy junk food and lack of moving.  I mostly sit on the couch or in the driver’s seat.  I don’t have much time with anyone outside of giving them rides or during the time they are waiting for rides.  I get maybe two hours or less with my boyfriend a day during the week.  On the weekend I’m lucky to get time alone with him between calls for my help to do things for everyone else.  My need to help, it seems, always becomes expected by people.  I offer assistance a few times and their lives become my responsabilty.  I love them all, but I need them to understand that I sometimes need a break and they can’t call me for everything, without making them feel like they can’t call me for anything.

TL;DR So that’s sorta where I’ve been and where I’m at now.  That was actually somewhat brief... O.o  Basically, I’ve felt completely unimportant and without justification for my existence here lately and I’m back to Tumblr as my crutch for a bit.  Somewhere I can feel like I have a mild place to call home; away from a life that seems to just be one giant mental illness prison following me around and stalking me for the better part of a decade. 

(EDIT: Since being off medications, my schizophrenic symptoms have subsided.  All that remains is the bipolar and multiple anxiety based disorders.  Although I do hear voices occasionally, I know that those voices are simply my own feelings that weren’t quite addressed by my conscious mind floating up from my subconscious.  For example I could feel a swelling of happiness in my chest for my boyfriend and hear a voice that says, “I love him.” )

If you got this far congratulations and thank you, here are some XOXOs for your trouble.

<3 Kat