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#and it’s so sad to me bc i was struggling SO horrifically w trauma and abuse as a child and i felt like self harm was the only way to cope
angelstrawbabie420
·
2 months
Text
felt
#anyway im gonna vent real quick
#it’s absolutely crazy to me how much my relapse into self harming/cutting has made my anxiety worse
#bc until i was 18 whenever my mom’d find out i’d cut i’d just be punished emotionally and physically to the point i am now looking over my
#shoulder constantly paranoid that i’ll be hurt somehow bc i’ve relapsed
#despite now being an adult and my parents being dead
#it’s crazy how i constantly feel like i’m being watched 24/7 even when i
#im entirely home alone bc my privacy was invaded so severely and my every move picked apart constantly my whole childhood
#i can never behave like my true genuine self bc im terrified someone will find out and ridicule me for it
#it got so bad i started to have panic attacks & literal hallucinations over it when i was younger
#and it’s so sad to me bc i was struggling SO horrifically w trauma and abuse as a child and i felt like self harm was the only way to cope
#and yet i was never met with any understanding or help i was just told i was attention seeking/hurting everyone around me/making ppl’s lives
#hell and though there’s no way anyone would find out unless i told them now and there’s no one to control me over it
#i still feel like the biggest burden on earth for coping any way i can to keep myself alive
#every time i’ve done something to keep myself on this earth i have been told i’m being so selfish
#yet if i chose the alternative and actually killed myself it would be all ‘oh gone too soon we loved them blah blah blah’
#you treated me like i was dirt that i was was desperately clawing along in an attempt to survive
#it’s as if these people would rather me have died
#i do not know how to heal the decades of damage this has led to. i don’t know how to move forward
#all i’ve ever been good at is being a nuisance to others that they’d rather drop like hot garbage
#anyway. i cut so bad last night my entire fucking upper arm burns
#i haven’t done it that bad in years. i can usually stop myself after just a couple but not this time
#i just feel so guilty and heavy and gross and disappointing. even tho the only ppl who know are those who i confide in
#whatever
#sh tw
#dlt ltr
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