#and it would be a massive level of overstepping for me to try and do that? and you know. controlling and rude etc

[cdroloisms]

I just came across your post about vagueposting and I think I agree with it, but the situation you most likely wrote it about is hardly a "vagueposting" because you could say who it was about after reading it literally one time and that person got jumped and insulted in the anon ask anyway so discussing it in person could be safer...

I'm reeeally sorry for bring up a past situation, but I don't think it's a good idea to write nasty things about another person and specific details about how they interact with the fandom and their post, say things that will help to easily identify a person and at the same time insult them or say how you think they feel about the characters or the story based on your feelings about their one take that you didn't like and then call it's "vague" because there is no name in the post. I mean, It can lead to bad consequences, it literally did in that situation.

And yes, I do think people have the right to discuss bad takes or takes they don't like, but there's a way to do it without giving away every detail about the post and the person who wrote it so everyone knows who you're talking about, and if you're not good at being vague, just discuss it in a private chat.

this ask is old but i was busy last week, so forgive me for the late response. i was debating answering it at all, but i dont want myself to be misunderstood, so just. to clarify under the cut.

i'll agree with you that the post/situation in question wasn't vagueing. now, i don't know exactly the difference between the number of followers i have and the number of followers that the blogger in question has, and when it comes to the number of active dsmp followers i think both of us have even less of a clue. that being said, both of us frequent much of the same circles, so i think it's fair to say that many of my posts will end up being exposed to a very similar audience to his, and so therefore this response about the situation you're talking about will be just about as clearly traceable to a specific person as the post he made that started the situation in question. just as a general observation.

if i'm understanding your ask correctly, while vagueing a take is fine, the vague shouldn't be clearly identifiable if you're going to speak badly about it or disagree heavily. to which i have to ask what, specifically, is defined as clearly identifiable? i think most takes in this fandom can be pretty easily traced to a person, even if that person is not the only person that believes in that take--just as an example, c!tommy as a butterfly pinned behind glass was a take in response to the c!sam and c!dream stream after techno escaped, and grew to be a pretty prominent theme to the point of a zine being modeled after it, but i can also trace it to a pretty specific tumblr post with a name attached. i also think that that same statement probably isn't true for many fans who maybe joined later on in the fandom. i mean, i'm aware that i'm being pedantic here, i'm aware that the situation in question created conflict specifically due to it being within dreblr and in a space where multiple people would've seen both posts and felt ensuing awkwardness bc they know both people either on a personal or acquaintance level, but i mean the same applied ages ago whenever strategist-interpretation and trauma-interpretation c!dream apologists felt like going at it again on the dash.

in this scenario specifically, what made the situation clearly identifiable was the nature of the take that was being discussed. the main identifying detail was the take that the asker was asked about, imo, and i mean ... yeah i mean. most takes that haven't blown up pretty heavily do end up being tied to one or two people? i mean, staged finale is a take that can be tied to three people who argued in favor of it the most before the rest of dreblr got on board only in late 2021. i simply don't think that a take that maybe only one person has argued for (which, i dont remember the statistics of the take in this situation, so i dont remember how many notes it had or how many people in total may have expressed public agreement towards it, honestly) is exempt from discussion when it is posted in a meta or analysis space as an analytical piece, which i do think applies to this take from what i remember about it and how it was tagged.

and back to the discussion of what's acceptable as far as directly responding versus vagueing, i mean, a lot of the discussion i've had on my blog (abt discourse etiquette in General in meta spaces on dreblr moreso than this specific situation, largely bc i did want to avoid commenting on a situation that 1) i really had no business in and 2) i have reason to be biased about. the main reason why i'm talking abt it now is bc hopefully enough time has passed for feelings to be less fraught and bc i want to make certain thoughts of mine clear, in case they weren't clear enough in my original posts abt dreblr and whatever) revolves around both direct responses and vagueing having their reasons as well as pros and cons, and both will likely continue to exist in analysis spaces and generally i don't think it's productive to really comment on what people can or can't do on their own blogs. in this scenario, i don't think "vagueing about one specific person in a way that may be clearly identifiable to parts of their audience" is uniquely unacceptable? a direct response very clearly would make the person in question identifiable -- outside of how it's kind of impossible to make a post vagueing someone in a way where No One has Any Idea who you might be talking about without making the post like, incoherent inherently, if vagueing (not identifiable) is okay and directly responding (identifiable) is okay, then why is vagueing (identifiable) not okay?

now, i understand that any situation where the person in question might be identifiable, some people may take the open disagreement as permission to harass them. and obviously, harassment sucks. part of the whole point of opening up this conversation on my blog was bc i worry, with the way that a single conflict between dsmp opinions has kind of rippled through dreblr recently and the responses to this "situation," that an environment is being created with too much of a forced global consensus that punishes people for stepping out of the status quo in both opinions and behavior, which is obviously bad for the whole community, and was looking to voice some of that and have a conversation on solutions. and i understand that in this situation, a lot of your problem with the blogger has to do with his general attitude in discussing the take and his statements on the person who made it. now, i think you have every right to find his statements offensive and disagreeable and to unfollow and/or block him. that being said, i am not exactly a PR agent, and i want to reiterate that what people do on their own blogs isn't my business and i don't think it should be my business. or uh, anyone's business, for that matter. i don't think that everyone "in dreblr" is beholden to keeping to a certain person's standard for "acceptable" disagreement and "acceptable" sharing of their own opinions on their own blog as long as they're not inciting harassment, which entails, like, actively encouraging harm to happen yk. i mean, you can think that the blogger was being rude or an asshole and prefer to never see him again, that's fine. that's your prerogative. but i mean, i'm not gonna tell the guy how to interact with the fandom on his own blog, haha.

to be clear, im not telling you what you can or can't do on your own blog either. if you wanna make a post about how his posts contain harmful rhetoric, how he's an idiot, or how he's rude bc you disagree with his public posts on this situation or on the dsmp as a whole, i mean, i'm not gonna handwring over it and tell you that you're not allowed to do that. it's none of my business, and i like to think i'm not that hypocritical. and honestly, i think that in a space where we're talking about analysis, commenting on harmful rhetoric happens often and should happen often when it happens -- literally anyone can make an analysis post that has harmful rhetoric, and sure it's fiction and no one has to answer to the analysis police for making a bad analysis post, but i've also been in this space and seen enough truly mind-boggling amounts of parroting takes about torture that make people sound like CIA psyops to go "well saying that someone's analysis post contains harmful rhetoric is really rude" pfft. again, i'm not saying i'm immune to hypocrisy, but i've certainly malded enough times in public about the shit people have said in this fandom to take issue with that. now, getting a little less into the strictly-analysis side of things, i understand that insults like calling someone an idiot may not sit right with everyone, to which i say. block to your heart's content. but c'mon man i've called people idiots before i'm no saint 😭😅

anyway. i hope this clarified some things, anon. take issue with whatever and whoever you like, honestly, whether that's me, the person that i just not-vagued for the last however many words, etc etc -- again, your prerogative. and i agree, it's a shame the situation devolved into stuff like insults in both bloggers' inboxes when it really didn't have to be like that like. at all.

[slitherpunk]

ngl the unity situation really is stressing me out. like. i mean on one hand it's forcing me to finally switch to godot which i've been planning to do. but god damn i wish that was on my own terms. it's going to take forever to get to the same skill level in a new engine.

seeing those unity execs talk all about how "oh this will blow over once most people realize they won't be effected" and like. first of all i don't like the fact that that's happening to those who are affected & wish to stand with them. second of all, if somehow it does effect me or my job, that would be a stressful drain. third of all. they changed their TOS! they went back and are claiming this will apply to games already published, that no one agreed to. massive breach of trust, horrific overstepping of power. if they think they can pull shit like this who knows what they'll try to get away with going forward. absolutely not something I'd want to stick around for.

and another thing (beyond the fact that their plan makes no logistical sense) they say that you'll have to get in contact with them to get stuff like, fraud cleared up, so you're not charged in case your game gets re-install bombed, or pirated. i know for a fact that shit won't work because their customer service is *shit* it took more than a MONTH to hear back on a refund i wanted to get from the asset store. (which they ended up telling me they couldn't do anything about) so imagining that, PLUS the stress of the wait while being told you owe unity MONEY during that whole time. i wish nothing but the worst for the shitheads behind this decision

[patchs-muse-hub]

Well, it was only a matter of time before this went down...

For context, I found out that one of my friends, two of my moots, and one person I follow who has never interacted with me all received inbox messages about the callout post on me that circulated back in February and March.

This will be the last time I address this.

In an old friend group of mine there was a group of people who I had upset, some of them more than once. I either overstepped boundaries I didn't know they had, took up too much space in social events, made social faux pas that were quickly corrected, or.. had an episode.

See, I've expressed this multiple times on this blog, but I have Borderline Personality Disorder. And sometimes, when I'm especially unwell, not properly medicated, or both, I lose lucidity and lash out at others in incredibly unwarranted ways. And sometimes when I would have these episodes I apparently did things that were.. upsetting. And made people feel unsafe around me.

But rather than having conversations with me about why I had upset or harmed them.. they all collectively harassed me off the platform, got me banned from several servers, and published a massive multi-stage callout post.

The worst of them is my ex-girlfriend, who I shall leave unnamed here to preserve what little dignity she has left- because after dumping both my boyfriend and I, proceeded to stalk my tiktok and try to harass my boyfriend into leaving me and running away with her.

Truth be told, I could have published her deranged little messages, but I didn't, because bringing personal beef to a public platform is infantile and childish. Because I'm not going to stoop to her level and smear the reputations of people who hurt me out of petty revenge.

I'm in therapy. I'm medicated now, at the PROPER dosage. I even started a self-driven counseling course to supplement my therapy, and help me work towards self-healing. And the one thing I have learned from the counseling and therapy and journaling is this- I do not deserve this. I never deserved this. I might be obnoxious, a bit self-centered, I might be a little mad even. But that doesn't justify these fucking hooligans harassing me and bothering my friends.

Do me a favor and just.. go away. I'll avoid interacting with your moots so you don't have to see me. I stay in my corner, you stay in yours.

Leave Boogey and I alone.

[destinyc1020]

Confessions, I wish there were more dark skinned females leads in Hollywood. It’s disheartening that in 2023 the only representation we had was in the 90s and early 00s. What makes matters worse is the those films and tv shows meant nothing because black creatives own nothing in Hollywood. I think Tyler Perry is the only black creative that owns a studio. I’m aware this is toned deaf due to the strike, but the Tiana casting for live action really put me in a bad mood lol. Ppl were fan casting Zendaya lol.

I’m aware that she would never take it cause she only takes roles that are for whites women lol, but the fact not dark skinned actress is ever gonna get to that level she’s gotten to (rightly deserved due to Disney, marvel and fashion) her career is a dime in a dozen. Even Halle berry in her peak never got to a level commercially like her white counterparts. She found solace career wise in black films and producing.

Zendaya is outperforming her white peers but it’s crazy how for black creatives we are only allowed one but in the music industry there’s a plethora of black women of different shades and shapes thriving. I really hope I don’t come across bitter or that I don’t like Zendaya success cause ppl do love to use her as a scapegoat ( the Keke scandal last year is an example). It’s just crazy that as we become technologically advanced, the lack of opportunity is sparse and the talent is there. Like there’s no black lady bird film?

That’s my confession/rant lol.

Happy Sunday!

First off anon.... Thanks so much for your confession. 🙏🏾

I'm almost getting emotional because I've felt the same way for a long time, and I can relate to just about everything you said in your ask... 🥺

I'll try to keep it semi-brief... To me, I feel like there ARE talented young, dark-skinned, black women in Hollywood.... but like you said, they're just not being given the same amount (or even same type) of roles as other women in the industry who are of lighter hues. 😔

For some reason, Hollywood has no issue with hiring darker black women once they hit 45 and up... We have Viola, Angela, Octavia, etc, all doing massively well (imo), and being cast in all types of lead and supporting roles in mainstream films....

But for SOME reason, when it comes to casting darker YOUNG black women (especially American) in roles, it's almost like Hollywood forgets that younger darker skinned black women under 35 even exist! 🤔

I've been noticing the pattern for a few years.

And no, I know you don't mean anything negative about Zendaya.... Zendaya has an AWESOME career.... and she basically started from the ground up (no Nepo or rich parents for her!), she worked hard, she's ambitious, she spreads out her work to include ambassadorships/modeling/TV/film, she honed her craft, she didn't overstep her boundaries or immediately go after lead roles on the big screen before she could handle it.... etc.. Like, she's done AMAAZING in Hollywood, and has really started to build an empire (imo) if that's the route she eventually wants to go in. 👏🏾

The only other black young woman in HW who I would say is even somewhat close to what Z is doing is probably Keke..... but even Keke isn't on the same level as Z. Honestly, I don't think there's any young darker-skinned actress out here in the industry who's doing it like Zendaya. Shhhhtt..... even the white actresses aren't doing it like Zendaya right now lol 😆 So, it's def rare....

But you're right.... it's almost like Hollywood forgets that young black women darker than a paper bag even exist. 🤷🏾‍♀️ When they ONLY use light skinned young actresses for black representation, the black women who AREN'T lighter than a paper bag, or biracial, etc can start to feel left out and not represented at all. 😔

Don't get me wrong, SOME representation is better than none lol 😆 👀

But imo, Hollywood can definitely do better. I would LOVE to see a wholesome Lady Bird type of film, but for black women. 😃

I'm VERY excited about the new "Color Purple" musical film coming out, but if the musical is anything like the original film, that's yet ANOTHER film featuring black actresses that (yet again!) have to deal with trauma, suffering, angst, and struggle.... 🥴 Why can't we get some HAPPY stories for a change? 😅 Do ppl just love watching us struggle onscreen or smthg?

Anyway, let me stop rambling coz I've already said way too much as is. 😞

BTW, Oprah owns Harpo Studios I believe? 🤔 So Tyler isn't the only one IIRC.

[altschmerzes]

Hey there. I am so sorry I triggered you with my response. I had nooo Idea you had abusive parents, I would habe never written that message. I just saw this today (I am not even following you) because of a wonderfull fic of your's I read and I looked you up on tumblr and the post (without the background knowledge I have now) just seemed like a "how annoying are my parents" situation post. Very sorry and I will be sure not to write you again. Just a question- did you ever consider that a new follower or someone how is just in addoration of your fics might stumble across a comment of yours and not have the whole background story and be so insensitive? Not that this is suppossed to make it better, I was astonished though that you thougt someone would write this with knowing the background story (I even wrote i think that I have no Idea how your realtionship is). I will make sure now, to never comment on something I have no clear insight in, that was a big mistake and incosiderated. If it helps, I feel super bad now and at the same time sad for you (for having such a bad moment because of me) and for me (that somone would actually think so low of me, though it does not compare to your problem at all, mine is more a mood, not a problem). have a better day and I am very sorry again. (And my englisch is not so good I am a native spanisch speaker, hope I get across what I meant)

oh i absolutely never assumed you knew anything about my or my situation. it's even in the tags of my original answer. i have repeatedly made it clear that whether or not you know anything about me or my parents is irrelevant. that is the problem. you do not get to lecture strangers about how they talk about their parents. it is just as egregious a massive overstep and insensitively cruel decision to lecture me about it not knowing fuckall about me or my situation as it would be to do it with full knowledge. not knowing anything about me or my parents or the way they abused me is a very clear indication that anything i have to say about them or how 'annoying' i might seem to be finding them is absolutely none of your fucking business.

did you ever consider that it might be extremely insensitive and inappropriate to shame a stranger for how they feel about their parents when you do not know anything about their situation or their life experiences? just a question.

also, people say that stuff to abuse victims all the time knowing full well what's happened to us. it's not a stretch at all. i have had people say directly to me that i should be glad it wasn't worse and my parents are obviously trying, and i can't possibly understand since i'm not a parent yet myself how hard it is to raise a kid. i've had people say all of what you said and much worse while knowing extensive details of what my parents did to me. i've had this come from friends. i envy whatever world you live in where nobody would think to say those things to an abuse victim with the full knowledge they're an abuse victim.

it happens all the time. usually because society has conditioned people to hear stories about conflict of any kind between a parent and child, including adult children, real or fictional or anything, and automatically put themselves in the parent's shoes. it's instinct for so many people to take a parent's side when they do not know, i'll repeat again, fuckall about the situation. it's part of how abuse victims are marginalized and retraumatized and disrespected on a systemic level. children are property, and whiny property at that, and parents are full, complex, rounded people. things like this make it perfectly obvious that this is the case in the minds of way too many.

do some reflecting on your behaviour and your choices. don't do this shit again. do better.

[incomingalbatross]

"they're very committed coparents but they also BARELY know each other still on account of all the lying and deliberately erected walls between them"

I can't fully agree on that count. Yes, both hide a MASSIVE part of themselves and their backstories, but in a way they kinda do know each other? A recurring theme is that all of their feelings as a family are real, Loid's smiles, Yor's enjoyment, and every one of their heart to hearts.

That's what I think the draw is. Despite lying about so much, they seem very honest when they have a heart to heart. Also it's sweet seeing them bond without overtly romantic moments. Plus Loid's lying to himself about how much he cares about his family-MISSION! is great.

That said, I understand where you're coming from.

We'll just have to agree to disagree, probably. :P

Yes, their heart-to-hearts are honest - even more honest than they realize. But mostly what they're communicating is "I care about Anya," "I think you're doing a good job with Anya," and/or "I admire you and want to make your life easier." Which is all good! But it doesn't actually involve them knowing each other outside of their roles as Anya's parents, you know? And they're both so conscious of filling those roles, and of not making each other's lives harder, that they're almost always masking their thoughts/feelings around each other. Neither of them is trying to connect on a more personal level, because that would be Overstepping.

(And also, to be fair, neither of them has much experience with normal interpersonal connection in general.)

Again, though, I believe they're going to get there. And I see the draw you're talking about. It just doesn't spark investment for me. :P

[rebeldesthings]

Well i don’t agree at all with what the anon said/think about H, & I’m really agree with you tho. I think it’s con’s choice & have nothing to do with H. I’m pretty sure if he was single, he would be like that too. Also ard*n last tiktok about the chr*s & chapp*ll situations made me think : she was kinda explaining that the more you’re famous/known to the public eye, the more you have the chance that at any moment people who love you decide one morning that they want now to hate you. & that is a scary thing for her & she’s glad she doesn’t have a high level of fame bc of that. I’m pretty sure con is sharing the same mindset. More you’re private, less you give people the opportunity to massively hate on you for whatever reason. Con is getting older & he said many times his privacy & peace of mind are more important that everything else, especially fame. He said he is trying to find balance this year between sharing & being private. It’s not bc is not sharing a lot right now that he will be like that forever. He has a lot of attention lately bc of the T/chapp*ll thing, maybe he doesn’t want even more attention so he staying under the radar, we don’t know what’s on his mind. People are always complaining anyway « you don’t share enough ��, «you’re sharing too much », « you’re sharing that but what about this ». Being in the public eye is always a lose lose and never a win win, it’s pretty exhausting. So as long as he is happy, it’s what matters to me!! 🙂

I completely agree. At this point, we all know how private he is, and I’ve learned to accept that about him. As much as I miss him posting sometimes, I’m also oddly okay with him not being as active as before. I guess that’s just life - you get older and start realizing what really matters and where you want to put your energy. It’s a big step for Connor that he’s now accepting podcast invites, so let’s just enjoy the little things he shares with us 🥰

Have y'all seen this comment on his YouTube channel? I think this is him trying to be more open but still not overstepping his boundaries

[beatrice-otter]

I hope I am not overstepping when I add a few notes from a Christian perspective.

There are Christians who hear this and think "but if it's not factual history, then it's a lie! and it can't be a lie, so therefore we have to throw out all our historical and archaeological knowledge!" And that's just wrong.

Let me put it this way. Jesus taught in parables in order to teach. There was never a Prodigal Son, this was a story that Jesus made up in order to teach a lesson. Does that make the story a lie? No! It does not! It has a lot to teach us! The factual basis (or lack thereof) has nothing to do with whether or not it's important, nothing to do with whether or not God is trying to teach us something through that story.

The Bible is not and never has been a history textbook, or a science textbook, or even a religion textbook. If you try to make it one, you will miss the point.

To add to what fdelopera was saying, we have really really good archaeological data for the Ancient Near East, better than for anywhere else in the world. Why? Because lots of people (mostly Christians from Europe and America) have poured a lot of time and resources into archaeological digs in the "Holy Land" to prove a factual, literal basis for Biblical stories. And what we have found with all of that work is that the story of the Exodus simply cannot have happened the way it is narrated. It can't! (Neither can the major stories of Genesis.)

First, if any tribal group fled Egypt at that point, they were really small. The numbers given in the book Christians call Exodus are absurd. It would have amounted to about half of Egypt's total population, there is no way even a fraction of that number could have left without there being evidence in the archaeological record. There is no point in time anywhere near the best estimates for when it would have happened where you see groups of homes all being abandoned at roughly the same time. That just didn't happen.

Second, if any tribal group entered Canaan at that point, they were really small, because again, there is no archaeological record of any group coming in except the Peleset/Philistines. Different groups from different have different material culture--they eat different foods, they build different houses, they decorate their pottery differently, etc., etc. When a new ethnic group of any size moves into an area, you can tell from the archaeological record because the material culture changes. And ... there just isn't any sign of that in any time period when the Exodus might have been. (There's also no sign of the massive warfare the Bible records at that point, just the regular level of violence between different cities and tribal groups.)

I personally think there's a decent chance that there was a small group of refugees who then assimilated into the larger Canaanite community, and their story was adopted by the larger community as part of the stories of the community, and then influenced by all the factors that fdelopera names. But if so, they were a very small group numerically, and the story changed a lot over the years and was melded into a bunch of other stories from people who hadn't ever been refugees from Egypt.

A note on writing: while Egypt had hieroglyphs quite early, there was no writing system in Canaan until quite late, about 1,000 BCE. By that point, there was already two kingdoms, Israel and Judah, in existence. Everything before that was transmitted orally as stories, and while it is possible for a culture to transmit oral records quite precisely over tens of thousands of years (the aboriginal peoples of Australia did it), it has to be part of a concerted effort to preserve things absolutely unchanged. Most peoples--including the Semitic peoples of Canaan and its surrounding areas--did not put that much work into it. Even sacred stories that were written down fairly close to the time they happened were often edited later to fit into the narratives the Biblical editors were trying to tell. And early writing in Canaan/Israel/Judah/Philistia tends mostly to fall into two categories: political stuff (monuments with inscriptions about glorious battles, etc.) and economic stuff (records of business transactions). Very little of it is religious in nature. Those stories were transmitted orally even long after they had writing.

Hi curious anon here. You mentioned in one of your posts (I think the sennek one? If I’m spelling it right) that the exodus from Egypt was metaphorical as the enslavement in Egypt didn’t happen, but I thought it did? Can you explain? (If you’re happy to of course)

Hi Anon! Thanks for your question. My response is looong lol (you got me going about a special interest), so buckle up!

Sooo I’m going to make a few guesses here, based on the way you’ve phrased your question. Judging from the fact that you’ve written Sukkot as “sennek” (I've looked through recent posts, and I think this is the post you're referring to), I’m going to guess that you’re not Jewish.

And judging from the fact that you think that Shemot, or “Names” (commonly written in Christian bibles as Exodus), is a literal historical account of Jewish history, I’m guessing that you have a Christian background.

You’re not alone in this. And I’m not saying this to pick on you. Many Christians have a literalist interpretation of the Bible, and most have zero knowledge of Jewish history (aside from maybe knowing some facts about the Holocaust). And so, what knowledge of Jewish history you have mostly comes from the Tanakh (what you call the Old Testament).

Tanakh is an acronym. It stands for Torah (the Five Books of Moses), Nevi’im (Prophets), Ketuvim (Writings). Also, the Tanakh and the “Old Testament” are not the same. The Tanakh has its own internal organization that makes sense for Jewish practice. The various Christian movements took the Tanakh, cut it up, reordered it, and then often mistranslated it as a way to justify the persecution of various groups of people — I’m looking at you, King James Bible.

But back to Shemot, the “Exodus” story. The story of Moshe leading the Israelites out of Egypt is more of a Canaanite cultural memory of the Late Bronze Age Collapse between around 1200 – 1150 BCE, which was preserved in oral history and passed down through the ages until it was written down in the form that we know it in the 6th century BCE by Jewish leaders from the Southern Kingdom of Judah.

Since the text is influenced by Babylonian culture and mythology, just as Bereshit is (which you know as Genesis), it is likely that some of the writing and editing of Shemot took place during and after the Babylonian exile in the 500s BCE.

Now, I’m guessing that what I’ve just written in these two paragraphs above sounds very strange to you.

Wait, you might say, didn’t the Israelites conquer the land of Canaan?

Wasn’t the "Exodus" written by Moses’s own hand during the 13th century BCE?

And wasn’t the Pharaoh in the Exodus Ramesses II (aka Ramesses the Great), who ruled in the 13th century BCE?

Actually, no. None of that happened.

The Israelites didn’t conquer Canaan. The Israelites were the same people as the Canaanites, and these are the same peoples as who later became the Jews, as I will explain. The Semitic peoples who would become the Jewish people have been in this area of the Levant since the Bronze Age.

Moshe was not a historical figure and did not write the Torah.

The “Pharaoh” in Exodus is not any specific Egyptian ruler (Ramesses the Great as the “Pharaoh” is mostly a pop culture theory from the 20th century).

Okay, now that I’ve said all that, let’s dive in.

The first ever mention of Israel was inscribed in the Merneptah Stele, somewhere between 1213 to 1203 BCE. Pharaoh Merneptah, who was the Pharaoh after Ramesses the Great, describes a campaign in Canaan to subdue a people called Israel. But there is no mention of plagues or an exodus because those things didn’t happen. The Canaanites were not slaves in Egypt. Canaan was a vassal state of Egypt.

In fact, the events that occurred during the reign of a later Pharaoh, Ramesses III, relate more to Jewish history. Ramesses III won a pyrrhic victory over the Peleset and other “Sea Peoples” who came to Egypt fighting for resources during a time of famine, earthquakes, and extreme societal turmoil. And Ramesses III would witness the beginning of the end of the Bronze Age.

The Canaanites, who were a Semitic people in the Levant, gradually evolved into the people who would become the Northern Kingdom of Israel and the Southern Kingdom of Judah (i.e., Jewish people), but during the 13th Century BCE, they were Canaanites, not Jews.

The Canaanites were polytheistic, worshiping a complex pantheon of gods; they didn’t follow the later Jewish dietary laws (i.e., they ate pork); and their religious practice bore little to no resemblance to the Jewish people of the Second Temple Period.

So, to reiterate, the people in Canaan who called themselves Israel during the Bronze Age were a Semitic people, but they were not recognizably Jewish, at least not to us Jews today. Canaan was a vassal state of Egypt, just as Ugarit and the Hittite Empire were.

Canaan was part of the vast trading alliance that allowed the Bronze Age to produce the metal that historians have named it for: bronze.

Bronze is a mixture of copper and tin (about 90% copper and 10% tin), and in order to make it, the kingdoms of the Bronze Age had to coordinate the mining, transportation, and smelting of these metals from all over the known world. This trading network allowed for the exchange of all sorts of goods, from grain to textiles to gold. Canaan was just one of these trading partners.

Well, between 1200 BCE and 1150 BCE, this entire trading alliance that allowed Bronze Age society to function went (pardon the expression) completely tits up. This is likely due to a large array of events, including famine and earthquakes, which led to an overall societal disarray.

Some of the people who were hardest hit by the famine, people from Sardinia and Sicily to Mycenae and Crete, came together in a loose organization of peoples, looking for greener pastures. These were all peoples who were known to Egypt, and many of them had either served Egypt directly or had traded with Egypt during better days. According to ancient records, this loose grouping of peoples would arrive at various cities, consume resources there, and then leave for the next city (sacking the city in the process).

Just to be clear, these people were just as much the victims of famine as the cities they sacked. There were no “good guys” or “bad guys” in this equation, just people trying as best as they could to survive in a world that was going to shit.

Well, these “Sea Peoples” (as they were much later dubbed in the 19th century CE) eventually made their way to Egypt, but Ramesses III defeated them in battle around 1175 BCE. He had the battle immortalized on his mortuary temple at Medinet Habu.

We don’t know much about these Sea Peoples, but we do know what the Egyptians called them. And from those names, we can figure out some of their origins. Peoples such as the Ekwesh and the Denyen. These were likely the Achaeans and the Danaans.

If you’re familiar with Homer’s Iliad, you’ll recognize these as some of the names that Homer gives to the Greek tribes. Many of the Sea Peoples were from city states that are now part of Greece and Italy.

Yes, the Late Bronze Age Collapse of the 12th Century BCE didn’t just get handed down as a cultural memory of the “Exodus” to the people who would centuries later become the Jews. That cataclysm also inspired the stories that “Homer” would later canonize as the Trojan War in the Iliad and the Odyssey. The Exodus and the Trojan War are both ancient cultural memories of the same societal collapse.

And neither the Trojan War nor the Exodus are factual. However, despite having little to no historicity, they both capture a similar feeling of the world being turned upside down.

Well, back to the Sea Peoples. Remember the Peleset that I mentioned a few paragraphs ago? They were one of these “Sea Peoples” that Ramesses III defeated. They were likely Mycenaean in origin, and possibly originated from Crete. After Ramesses III defeated them, he needed a place to relocate them along with several other tribes, including the Denyen and Tjeker. It was a “you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here” situation.

So, Egypt rounded up the surviving Peleset and sent them north to settle — to the land of Canaan.

Now, if you have some Biblical background, let me ask you this. What does “Peleset” sound like? What if we start it with an aspirated consonant, more of a “Ph” instead of a “P”?

That’s right. The Peleset settled in Canaan and became the Philistines.

This is where the real story of the people who would become the Jews begins.

As the Mycenaean (aka Greek) Peleset settled in their new home, they clashed with the Semitic Israelite people of Canaan. Some of these Canaanites fought back. These Canaanites also organized themselves into different groups, or “tribes.” (See where this is going?) Some of these tribes were in the Northern area of Canaan, and some were in the South, but there was a delineation between North and South — aka they did not start out as one people and then split in two. They started as two separate groups.

If you’re following me so far, you’ll know that I’m now talking about what would in time become the Northern Kingdom of Israel and the Southern Kingdom of Judah.

Well, backtracking a bit. The Bronze Age was ending, and the Iron Age was about to begin. The Peleset/Philistines were experts at smelting iron, which was harder to work with than bronze due to it having a much higher smelting temperature. When the Peleset settled in Canaan, they brought this iron smelting knowledge with them, and they used it to make weapons to subdue the local Canaanite peoples. The Canaanites therefore had to fight back “with sticks and stones.”

Hmm. Does that sound familiar? Who is one of the most famous Philistines you can think of from the Tanakh (the Old Testament)? I’ll give you a guess. It’s in the Book of Samuel (in the Tanakh, that’s in the Nevi’im — The Prophets).

That’s right. Goliath.

The story of “David and Goliath” is likely a Jewish cultural memory that was transmitted orally from the time of the Canaanite struggles against the Peleset.

The man who would become King David used a well-slinged stone to fell the much greater Goliath, and then he used Goliath’s own iron sword to cut off Goliath’s head.

In this metaphor, we can see the struggle between the Canaanite tribes and the Peleset, as the Canaanites fought to hold off the Peleset’s greater military might.

Historically, the Peleset eventually intermarried with the Canaanites, and within several generations, they were all one people. Likewise, the Mycenaean Denyen tribe may have settled in the Northern Kingdom of Israel, intermarried with the Canaanites, and become the Tribe of Dan.

The Book of Samuel, containing the story of David and Goliath, was written down in the form we would recognize today in the 500s BCE during the Babylonian Exile. It is a cultural memory of the time that the Canaanites were unable to wield iron weapons against a much more technologically advanced society, and it would have resonated with the Jews held captive in Babylon.

And with this mention of the Babylonian Exile, I come to the question that remains. And I think the question that you are asking. Where did the story of Shemot, the “Exodus,” the “Going Out,” come from?

And more importantly, why was that story so important to canonize in the Torah — the Jewish people’s “Instruction”?

The Shemot was likely written down and edited in a form that we would recognize today during and after the Babylonian Exile.

So, what was the Babylonian Exile? And what was its impact on Judaism?

To answer that, I need to start this part of the story about 130 years before the Babylonian Exile, in around 730 BCE. We’re now about 450 years after the Late Bronze Age Collapse, when the Canaanites were fighting the Peleset tribe.

Between about 730 and 720 BCE, the Neo-Assyrian Empire conquered the Northern Kingdom of Israel.

Now, you may know this as the time when the “Ten Tribes of Israel were lost.”

In reality, the Assyrians didn’t capture the entire population of Israel. They did capture the Israelite elite and force them to relocate to Mesopotamia, but there were many people from the Israelite tribes left behind. The Ten Tribes were never “lost” because many of the remaining people in the Northern Kingdom migrated south to the Kingdom of Judah.

One such group of people from the Northern Kingdom of Israel maintained their distinct identity and still exist today: the Samaritans. These are the people who today are the Samaritan Israelites. They have their own Torah and their own Temple on Mount Gerizim, where they continue the tradition of animal sacrifice, as the Jews did in Jerusalem before the Romans destroyed the Second Temple in 70 CE. The Samaritans keep the Sabbath, they observe Kashrut laws (i.e., they keep kosher), and they hold sacrifices on Yom Kippur and Pesach. In short, they have maintained religious practices that are similar to Judaism during the Second Temple period.

This mass migration into the Kingdom of Judah in the late 700s and early 600s BCE is where Judaism as we know it today really started to take shape.

At that time, the people of the Northern Kingdom of Israel were polytheistic. They ate pork. They did many of the things that the writers of the Torah tell the Jews not to do.

This is where many of these commandments began, when the priests of Judah needed to define what it was to be a Jew (a member of the Tribe of Judah), in the face of this mass migration from the Kingdom of Israel.

You see, the Ancient Jews didn’t know about germ theory or recognize that trichinosis was caused by eating undercooked pork. That’s not why pigs are treyf. Pigs are treyf because eating pork began as a societal taboo. In short, pigs take a lot of resources to care for, and they eat people food, not grass (i.e. they don’t chew a cud). So if you kept pigs, you would be taking away resources from other people. When you are living in a precarious society that is constantly being raided and conquered by outsiders, you have to make sure that your people are fed, and if you’re competing with a particular livestock over food, that livestock has to be outlawed.

This time period is also likely when the Kingdom of Judah started to practice monolatry (worshiping one God without explicitly denying the existence of other Gods). The people of Judah worshiped YHWH (Adonai) as their God, and the Northern Kingdom of Israel worshiped El as the head of their polytheistic pantheon. The Jews put both of them together as the same G-d. That is why the Bereshit (Genesis) begins:

When Elohim (G-d) began to shape heaven and earth, and the earth then was welter and waste, and darkness over Tehom (the Deep), and the breath of Elohim (G-d) hovering over the waters

NOTE: This is a modification to Robert Alter’s translation of the first two lines of Bereshit (Genesis) in the Tanakh. In a few paragraphs, I will explain the modification I’ve made of transliterating the Hebrew word “Tehom,” instead of (mis)translating this word as “the Deep” as in nearly every translation of Genesis.

Then over the next two hundred years, monolatry would gradually become monotheism. One of the Northern Kingdom’s gods, Baal, was especially popular, so the Judean leadership had to expressly forbid the worship of this god during the writing of the Tanakh.

The message was clear: If we’re going to be one people, we need to worship one G-d. And the importance of the Babylonian Exile cannot be overstated in this shift from monolatry to monotheism. The period during and after the Babylonian Exile is when most of the Tanakh was edited into a form that we would recognize today.

So, I come back to the question, what was the Babylonian Exile? It began, as many wars do, as a conflict over monetary tribute.

Around 598 BCE, the Judean King Jehoiakim refused to continue paying tribute to the Babylonian King Nebuchadnezzar II. And so in around 597 BCE, Nebuchadnezzar II’s troops besieged Jerusalem, killed King Jehoiakim, and captured much of the Judean leadership, holding them captive in Babylon. Over the next ten years, Nebuchadnezzar II continued his siege of Jerusalem, and in 587, he destroyed the First Temple, looted it for its treasures, and took more of the Jews captive. The deportation of the Jewish people to Babylon continued throughout the 580s BCE.

So, by the 570s BCE, the majority of the Jews were captives in a strange land. They were second-class citizens with few rights. The Jews feared that their people would start to assimilate into Babylonian society, intermarry so that they could secure greater freedom for their descendants, and then ultimately disappear as a unique people.

The Jewish leadership knew that this assimilation would begin by the Jews worshiping Babylonian gods.

So the Jewish leadership had a brilliant idea. They said, “We are not in danger of our people drifting into polytheism, assimilation, and cultural death, because we declare that the Babylonian gods do not exist. There is only one G-d, Adonai.”

Now we have left monolatry, and we are fully in monotheism.

And so, the Jews in captivity took Babylonian stories that their children heard around them, and they made these stories Jewish.

That is why the opening lines of Genesis sound so much like the opening lines of the Babylonian creation story, the Enuma Elish.

And remember when I mentioned that I had transliterated “Tehom” in the first two lines of Bereshit (Genesis) above, instead of using the standard translation of “the Deep”? That is because Tehom is a Hebrew cognate for the Babylonian sea goddess Tiamat, who the Babylonian god Marduk defeated and used to shape the heavens and the earth, just as Elohim shaped the heavens and the earth.

When you read the Enuma Elish, you can see the parallels to Genesis:

When the heavens above did not exist, And earth beneath had not come into being — There was Apsû, the first in order, their begetter, And demiurge Tiamat, who gave birth to them all; They had mingled their waters together Before meadow-land had coalesced and reed-bed was to be found — When not one of the gods had been formed Or had come into being, when no destinies had been decreed, The gods were created within them

That is also why the flood story of Noah and the Ark sounds so much like the flood story from the Epic of Gilgamesh.

That is why the story of Moshe’s mother saving him by placing him in a basket on the Nile River parallels the story of King Sargon of Akkad’s mother saving him by placing him in a basket on the Euphrates River.

In order to survive as a people, the Jews consolidated all gods into one G-d. Adonai. Shema Yisrael Adonai eloheinu Adonai ehad. "Hear O Israel, the Lord is our God, the Lord is One."

The Jews said, yes, we acknowledge that we are hearing these polytheistic Babylonian stories in our captivity, but we will make them our own so that we can continue to exist as a people.

But back to your question. What about the story told in Shemot, the “Exodus” from the Land of Egypt?

I think by now you can see the parallels between the Jewish people held as captives in Babylon and the story that they told, of the Israelites held as slaves in Egypt.

And so, the Exodus story, which had been told and retold in various ways as a means to process the cataclysmic trauma of the Late Bronze Age Collapse (similar to the oral retellings of the Trojan War epic before they were written down by “Homer”), now took on a new meaning.

The Exodus story now represented the Jewish people’s hope for escape from Babylon. It represented the Jewish people’s desire to rebuild the Temple in Jerusalem that Nebuchadnezzar II had destroyed. It represented the acceptance that it would take at least a generation before the Jews would be able to return to Jerusalem.

And it represented a cautionary tale about leaders who become too powerful, no matter how beloved they may be.

At a Torah study this Sukkot, the Rabbi discussed why the writers of Devarim (Deuteronomy) said that Moshe couldn’t enter Canaan, even though he'd led the Israelites out of Egypt (which, again, didn't literally happen). And one interpretation is because the Jewish leaders were writing and editing the Exodus during and shortly after the Babylonian Exile, and after seeing the Kingdom of Judah fall because of bad leadership. And they were saying, “It doesn't matter how beloved a leader is. If they start becoming a demagogue, and start behaving as someone who is drunk on their own power, you can't trust them as a leader. And you need to find new leadership.” And damn if that isn't a lesson that we could all stand to learn from!

So, was the Exodus story historically true? No. But does it matter that the Exodus story isn’t historically true? No, it does not. It was and is and will continue to be deeply meaningful to the Jewish people. The Shemot, the Exodus, the breaking of chains, the escape from the “Pharaohs” that enslave us — these are still deeply meaningful to us as Jews.

Was Moshe a historical figure? No, he was not. Is he one of the most fascinating, inspiring, and deeply human figures in Jewish tradition, and in literature in general? Yes, he is. Moshe was an emergent leader, an everyman, a stutterer, and yet he was chosen to lead and speak for his people. He was chosen to write the Torah, the “Instruction,” that has guided us for thousands of years. It doesn't matter that he was not a historical person. What matters is what he stands for. He is the one who directed us in what it is to be Jewish.

Now, fast forward to 538 BCE, around 60 years after the Jews were first taken as captives to Babylon. The Jewish people’s prayers were answered when Persian King Cyrus the Great defeated Babylon in battle, and allowed the Jews to return to Jerusalem, where they began construction on the Second Temple, which was completed around 515 BCE.

The Persian Zoroastrians were henotheistic (they worshiped one God, Ahura Mazda, but they recognized other gods as well). They also had a chief adversarial deity, Angra Mainyu, who was in direct opposition to Ahura Mazda.

Just as the Jews had incorporated Babylonian stories into their texts as a way to preserve their identity as a Jewish people, the Jews now incorporated this idea of “good versus evil” (i.e., It’s better to assimilate the foreign god to us, than to assimilate us to the foreign god).

This shift can be seen in the later story of the Book of Job, which is in the Ketuvim (Writings). Jews have no devil and no hell. There is no “eternal afterlife damnation," and there is no “original sin.” Jews believe in living a good life, right here on earth, and being buried in Jewish soil. Some Jews believe that we go to Sheol when we die, which is a shadowy place of peaceful rest, similar to the Greek realm of Hades. In the Book of Job, the Hebrew word “hassatan” (which Christians transliterate as “Satan”) is just a lawyerly adversary, like a “devil’s advocate” who debates for the other side of the argument. It’s certainly not anything akin to a Christian “devil.”

However, throughout the Second Temple period, various apocalyptic Jewish sects would arise in response to Greek and then Roman persecution, inspired by the Zoroastrian idea of a battle between “the light and the dark.”

In the 1st and 2nd centuries CE, this would lead to a search for the Moshiach: a human leader (not divine) who was descended from the line of King David, and who would restore Jerusalem. And that would not culminate in Jesus (Jews don’t recognize Jesus as Moshiach — for us, he's a really cool dude who said some very profound things, but he's not That Guy).

Rather, the search for Moshiach would stem from the events leading up to the Jewish War, which concluded in 70 CE with the Romans destroying the Second Temple and sacking Jerusalem, and it would culminate in the Bar Kochba revolt between 132 and 135 CE. The Bar Kochba revolt resulted in a Roman campaign of systematic Jewish slaughter and “ethnic cleansing” that nearly destroyed the Jewish people a second time. But that’s a story for another day!

In closing, I encourage you to learn more about Jewish history. And don’t just learn about us from the Holocaust, our darkest hour. Learn about our full history. I highly recommend Sam Aronow’s excellent series on YouTube, which is an ongoing Jewish history project. The YouTube channel Useful Charts also provides excellent overviews of Jewish history.

[thunderfox85]

The Thunder Breaking In Your Heart

Raiden x F!Reader

Warnings: smut, jealousy, mentions of violence, rough sex, NSFW

————————————

Raiden stands in the entryway to the chapel, fumbling with a small cluster of buttercup flowers that made up the boutonnière. No matter how hard he tries, he can't get it to stay in place.

You watch from the doorway of the room where Sonya is putting her finishing touches on as she prepares to walk down the aisle. As you watch Raiden struggle with the flowers, you briefly wonder what it would be like to have him look at you the way Cage looked at Sonya, but dismissed it just as quickly as it appeared in your thoughts. Raiden was beyond such mortal feelings. Deciding he had struggled enough, you moved out into the hallway and towards the chapel doors.

" Here,let me help you," you says you reach him. You look up and pause, waiting for him to give permission. You know he doesn't care to be touched if not necessary. He looks down at you, even with the 3" pumps, you're barely eye level with the massive expanse that is his chest.

" Assistance would be greatly appreciated," Raiden says calmly, neither his voice nor his face give away any of the thoughts swirling in his head. Almost imperceptibly, he held his breath as you took the boutonniere from his hand, your fingers brushing his as you do so. You try to hide the hitch in your breath at the contact, you vowed no one would never know of your attraction to the Thunder God, including Raiden himself. If he noticed, he gave nothing away as you affix the flowers to the breast of his pale, silvery blue tabard.

"There," you say as you smooth out the fabric around it.

"All set." You look up, flashing him a brilliant smile, the light dancing in your eyes, blushing ever so slightly. Realizing your hands were still on him, you quickly withdrew them.

"I'm sorry! Forgive me, Lord Raiden, " you manage to mumble out. His silence causing you to further kick yourself mentally for overstepping the carefully set boundaries.

"I appreciate your help, " Raiden finally answers. Standing rigidly, his face showing no emotion.

"I should see if Sonya is ready, it's nearly time. " you retreat back to the bridal room to finish any last minute details.

Raiden's composure nearly broke. His thoughts racing as he struggled top calm the pounding of his heart and maintain his even breath. The moment you had stepped from the room across the hall, you had captivated him. It caught him off guard at how breathtakingly beautiful you looked in the pale, silvery blue dress,with its buttercup yellow sash carefully wrapped at your waist accentuating the curves found beneath. The color complimenting your skin. The Thunder God had never seen you in makeup before. Your eyes shown bright, enhanced by the smoky shadow and winged liner. Here could have stared into their depths forever. Your lips were the softest of pink and he found himself wondering how they would feel against his own. Before he had realized it, you were before him, offering help with the pin. The way you had paused waiting for permission briefly had him wondering if you would be this submissive beneath him. He immediately had to rein in his wayward thoughts. He had answered curtly and held his breath at your touch, so as not to alert you to the impurity of his imaginings. He thought for sure you would feel the thunderous beat of his heart as you smoothed the fabric surrounding this ridiculous accessory. Then you smiled.

By the Elder Gods, it was as if you held the light and warmth of the sun! He couldn't move, couldn't speak. He barely managed to voice his thanks before you retreated to the bridal room again. He stood there lost in thought, not noticing Johnny Cage's approach.

"Earth to Rai-dude! Everything on okay? You're not having more visions are you? " Cage asked with a concerned look. Raiden shakes his head to dispel the intruding thoughts.

"No, Johnny Cage. There are no visions this day, " he says avoiding Cage's gaze.

"Well, whatever, or " Cage says with a wink, "whoever has you so distracted, I hope it works out for you, Sparky." Cage laughs at Raiden's disdainful look.

"I assure you, " Raiden begins sternly, "I am above such temptations. The situation is of low concern. "

"Whatever you say my dude, " Cage smirks. "I see how you look at her when you think no one's watching."

"With her propensity for getting into dangerous predicaments, I am merely watching out for her safety. " Raiden responds exasperatedly. Johnny Cage was irritatingly observant sometimes.

"Sure....." Cage says skeptically while checking his watch. "Alright, Rai-man! It's showtime! " he says excitedly, throwing jazz hands. Liu Kang and Jax had joined them and the four of them made their way into the chapel to take their places.

A hush fell over the guests, as Kung Lao and another Shaolin Monk opened the double doors of the temple wide. Vera Briggs, Kitana, and yourself walk down the gilded aisle. You look up at the altar and immediately lock eyes with Raiden. He is absolutely stunning, towering over the other three men easily. Feeling the heat rising to your cheeks, you tear your gaze away from him as you take your place on the dais. You miss Raiden's expression change from stoic to wide eyed and slack jawed as you moved into position. Fujin catches your eye from the throng of guests seated before you, grinning like the Cheshire Cat.

He must really like weddings, you thought. You didn't see Jax reach over and lift Raiden's chin, effectively closing his mouth. Cage notices and whispers, "Hey man, that situation had moved up your priority list? " he jabs chuckling. Raiden had no time to bite out a retort as the music starts. Two flower girls walk down the aisle gently flinging white petals about. Sonya makes her entrance.

The ceremony becomes a blur. Every time you let your eyes roam, they always find Raiden watching you. The blue- white orbs taking on an intensity you have never seen before. It causes you to feel entirely too warm and butterflies to work up from the pit of your stomach and into your chest, where they remain for the duration of the ceremony. You barely register the officiant announcing "You may kiss the bride!" exuberantly . You look past the happy couple, tho find Raiden still has not taken his eyes off you. Blushing profusely, you try to look anywhere but him. You catch Kitana's eye and she gives you a knowing smirk. You look away quickly only to find the Wind God watching you with a mischievous glint in his expression.

Oh no! You thought knowing that look. Fujin was planning on irritating his older brother. You nearly miss your cue to follow the newly weds off the dais. You move as if on autopilot, following the other bridesmaids as they each paired up with their partners.

What is Fujin planning this time? you thought mildly panicked. He had pushed Raiden to near violence with his pranks and teasing in the past, especially where you were concerned. Raiden didn't tolerate jokes played on him at your expense. He defended your honor as fiercely as he did Earthrealm. You feel a sudden touch at your elbow, startling you out of your worried ponderings. You hadn't noticed Raiden had fallen in step beside you, and even though it had been rehearsed nearly to death, you still flinched at the sudden contact. Raiden gently took your elbow, coaxing your arm to intertwine with his, just as it had been practiced. You breath shallowed as your pulse quickened. You weren't sure if the shiver that ran up your spine was from his electric touch or from your own excitement. He looked down at quizzically.

"Are you cold?" He asked in a barely audible whisper.

"A little," you whispered your lie. The truth was you felt entirely too warm, your heart pounding in your ears threatening to drown out all other noise. You were sure he could hear it too. Raiden seemed to accept your answer and disentangled his arm from yours only to drape it across your bare shoulders, pulling you closer to his side. Your sharp inhale gaining another glance from his intense blue-white eyes but he says nothing. Instead, he grazes his thumb over the exposed flesh of your shoulder. Intense, heated desire flushed your skin and made its way deep into your core. You shuddered again and his response was to pull you closer still. You were practically glued to his side. Once outside, the bridal party began to disperse. Separating into groups, and piling into vehicles that would take them to the reception venue, a mountainside resort with cabins for those few invited and a large dining/event hall over looking the valley below. Raiden didn't immediately let go as you made your way to vehicles. Instead, he let his hand skim from your shoulder, down your side, and finally came to rest at your waist where it lingered but a moment before his touch left you. As you climbed into your vehicle, he watched you with the same unwavering intensity he had at the altar. Fujin appeared behind him and said something that must have caught the Thunder God off guard. Judging by the frown on Raiden's face it couldn't have been anything good. The last sight of the two as you pulled away, was Fujin laughing at a scowling Raiden.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

The trip to the reception party was only an hour's drive, but it was long enough for your thoughts to comb over every detail of your interactions with the Protector of Earthrealm. Most notably how his hand had felt caressing you. The way it felt like he was undressing you with his eyes. Again you imagined what it would feel like beneath him. Those hands travelling to forbidden places. You blushed at the realization of just how illicit your daydream had become. Pulling into the parking area, you took a moment to collect your composure before exiting and collecting your bags from the trunk. The next three days were going be a much needed vacation. Johnny and Sonya had planned this mini retreat as a thank you to their closest friends for not only defending Earthrealm, but also putting up with Johnny during the planning stages. You smile remembering how much of a diva he is. More than once you and Sonya had to remind him that this wasn't some major blockbuster he was putting out but an intimate gathering for them and their friends. You make your way to your cabin to put away your bags and change into a more comfortable dress for the reception. The cabin was pretty spacious, with its open floor plan, the living area and kitchen were divided by a breakfast bar. The bedroom was mostly occupied by a king sized bed and a chest of drawers along the opposite wall. The bathroom was ensuite and was decorated just as rustic as the rest of the place. Save for very modern looking shower with multiple heads. You placed your bags down and fished out the dress, you hoped it wasn't terribly wrinkled. Placing the yellow dress on a hanger and hanging it on the bathroom door, you begin to undress. The zipper decided now would be a good time to snag and get stuck. You suddenly hear a rustling behind you and spin around, dropping into a fighting stance, only to find Raiden frozen in place at the bedroom door,his massive body filling the doorframe. Your mouth goes dry and suddenly you can't string together and sentence.

"I...I'm s-sorry. There must be...a mistake. I thought. ..I mean.." Raiden stammered and for the first time ever, you see him flustered. Yet he still couldn't take his eyes off you. He had come to speak with Liu Kang, but had found himself in the wrong cabin. He took in every detail, barely contained desire coursing through his every cell. He had indulged himself a little earlier, thinking those small touches would suffice and then he could put distance between the two of you. But they had only fueled his need for more. He was on the edge of a dangerous precipice and all it would take is one nudge to send him over. Out of the blue you find your voice, but you have no control over the words. No filter to stop you from uttering your desire.

"If you're going to stare, you could at least help me with the zipper," you purr, giving a small smile before turning away.

What are you doing, fool!! He's not interested in you like that! He's a God ! You scream at yourself subconsciously. There it was, the final push. He moved with lightningl speed to clear the space between you.

"Then I shall assist you," Raiden whispers in your ear as he places one hand on the zipper and the other at your hip. When did he cross the room? You thought hazily

Your breath hitches and desire runs through your veins like fire, pooling low in your belly. The heat of his breath at your ear sending a shiver of excitement through you even as his knuckles set fire to your spine as he slowly, and effortlessly, unzips your dress. With the task now complete, he removes his hands from you, an involuntary groan of protest escapes you before you even have time to reign in your wonton thoughts.

"It appears as though you may need further help discarding this garment, " he says silkily as he comes around you, his gait reminding you of a big cat stalking its prey. It is your turn to stand unmoving, staring hungrily at the God before you. He steps closer, his hands skimming up from your hips, past your sides, brushing along the outer most part of your breasts, and finally coming to rest on your shoulders. His blue-white eyes taking in the swell of your bosom, watching the the rise and fall of your shallowed breaths. A smile hints at the corner of his firm lips. He has you, his prey. And the gleam in his eye says he plans to devour your every quiver and moan. You stand there hypnotized by the grace with which he moves and the predatory look on his face as he glides his hands off your shoulders and down your arms, the dress falling and pooling at your feet, leaving you in your lacy bra and matching thong. He looms over you, offering an appraising look. Finally, you find your voice.

"We're going to be late," you barely whisper. "They'll probably notice if you're not attending the afterparty. " Your pulse is pounding in your ears, neatly drowning out all other sound. Your mind a riotous swirl of emotions and desire. You want him to fuck you, dominate you, own you.

"We have time yet, mortal, " he says haughtily. He leans in, one arm snaking around you to hold you in place and his other hand tips your chin, his lips capturing yours. All the air leaves you, the floor pitches and you are dizzy in his arms. Intense want illicits a moan against his lips. At this, he darts his tongue into your mouth, coaxing yours to dance. You capture his lower lip with your teeth, this time it's his turn to hum out a low rumble of desire. Suddenly he scoops you up, not breaking the kiss, and deposits you on the bed. His seven foot tall frame engulfs you, and you take this opportunity to run your hands down his chest and along his sides, feeling the rippling muscle beneath his clothes.

"You have far too many clothes on, Lord Raiden," you break contact to pant out.

"Have patience, sparrow," he growls as he begins to trace a path along your sensitive flesh with his lips, starting from your neck and gliding down to your breasts. He takes care to shower each equally with softly planted kisses and playful nips, bringing each bud to a peak and sensitizing the tender flesh until you shudder with need.

He makes his was lower still, his fingers tracing a winding path his mouth hungrily follows. You squirm and quiver beneath his expert touch .

"Be still, or I shall have to start again from the beginning," Raiden threatens, giving the sensitive flesh of your inner thigh a tight squeeze. You immediately try to bring your rebellious body under control but failing miserably once his mouth begins it's lazy descent. Before he makes it past your navel, there is a loud knock on the front door and you bolt upright in shock. Raiden quickly stands pressing a finger to his lips, indicating you should be quiet. Another knock is quickly followed by Fujin's voice.

"Brother? " Fujin calls out from porch. Raiden has left you in the bedroom, making sure to close the door silently, and made his way to the front door to confront his brother. You quickly scramble off the bed and shimmy into the yellow dress. You can hear the muffled sounds of conversation as you fix your hair so as not to looked quite so mussed. Snatching your makeup bag from your duffel of toiletries, you dart into the bathroom to fix your lipstick. Once put together, you made your way out into the front room.

"And what brings you to her cabin, instead of our own?" You can hear Fujin ask, knowing he's fishing for information.

" I simply came to escort her to the reception. " Raiden replies rather curtly. " She was not quite ready, so I waited here," he explained, gesturing to the breakfast bar. "What brings you here, brother?" You could hear the accusatory tone in Raiden's voice. The Wind God smiled brightly as he caught sight of you. You briefly met his gaze before blushing brightly and looking elsewhere.

"I also came to escort this beautiful little sparrow to the reception," Fujin responded,using the pet name Raiden called you but a few moments ago, the mirth dancing in his glowing eyes. The muscle in Raiden's jaw twitches with irritation. "But I see I am too late. Save a dance for me, will you? " he grins at you, all but laughing.

"Of course," you agree. You catch sight of Raiden's face, his lips hardened to a thin line. He is not happy hearing you agree to Fujin's request so readily. " But the first one belongs to Raiden, " you quickly amend so as to smooth any ruffled feathers.

"But of course," Fujin agreed with a wink. "It's always good to save the best for last, " he laughed as he turned away, making his way to the reception hall.

"We had better make our way as well, or we shall be late, " Raiden said evenly. His face once more unreadable as he too starts to leave. You fall into step beside him, wondering if he was somehow angry with you.

"I am not angry with you, my pet," he said barely above a whisper as if reading your mind. He said no more the rest of the short walk. Once inside, the two of you made your way to the bridal party table. You noticed it had been rearranged so that each maid and groomsman was paired. Frowning a little, you looked over at Sonya questioningly.

"It was last minute," she started matter of factly. "I didn't want to be caught between lovers' stares," she finished rolling her eyes.

"Oh, " was all you could manage as you took your seat awkwardly next to a very tense diety. You stole a quick glance at him and noted he seemed lost in thought, frustration radiated off of him, making you squirm uncomfortably in your chair. You could still feel the heat of his mouth and hands on you, and your own unmet desire boiled just below the surface barely masked.

I'd like to kick Fujin's ass for interrupting, you thought sourly. You caught a movement out of the corner of your eye and turned to see Kitana and Liu Kang seating themselves next to you, murmuring to one another. Liu looked over at his mentor and then whispered something to Kitana who shook her head. She caught you looking at her and smiled brightly, leaning towards you.

"Perhaps the two of you should go somewhere private and talk before whatever is between you boils over," Kitana whispers.

"It is fine, " you whisper back trying to reassure her and yourself. Her smile falters and as concern flits through her eyes. She leans back nodding and returns to her whispered conversation with Liu. He glances at you and offers a tight smile which you return. Raiden shifts in his seat, drawing your attention. You find him watching you, his face impassive. He shifts his weight in his chair again, this time his thigh brushes against yours as he does so, a smile ghosting at the corners of his mouth as he watches your pupils dilate. You can feel the hum of his touch like static electricity racing along your skin right to your core. You reach for your glass as take a gulp of your moscato. Raiden turns his gaze to Cage at being asked a question.

"Yo, Thunder Bro! Remember that time we were tracking Black Dragon in the Outworld mountains? " Johnny asked excitedly

"I remember all things, Johnny Cage. " Raiden replied evenly folding his hands in his lap.

Jax chuckled, knowing where Johnny was going with this. " Well, I was wondering if you could teach me how to get one of those big cats, " Johnny grinned. From somewhere by the desert bar Kung Lao's voice echoed, "There's NO way that was a CAT !!!"

"So anyway," Johnny said ignoring Kung Lao's outburst as Sonya and Jax snickered at the memory of that interesting mission, "is just the pspsps or is there some secret to it?"

"There is no secret, Johnny Cage," Raiden began, shifting slightly and placing his hand atop your thigh under cover of the tablecloth, giving a firm squeeze and causing searing heat to coil uncomfortably in your sex. "Cats simply gravitate to me. Perhaps we are something of kindred spirits." He smiled wryly at Cage.

"On the next trip to Outworld, I'm getting me a thunder cat!" Johnny quipped and Sonya sputtered her wine.

"Oh no," she said sternly "pump the breaks there hot rod, we are NOT bringing home some Outworld beast"

" Aw, c'mon doll, " Johnny whined. "Think about it, you could train your very own battlecat! "

"No!" Sonya rolled eyes and lovingly smacked Cage on the arm. While they were all discussing whether or not Johnny could actually train an Outworld felid, Raiden brushed his thumb over your thigh. You shift uncomfortably in your seat, earning you another, firmer, squeeze from his massive hand warning you to be still. All through the meal, which seemed to drag on forever, Raiden teased you, discreetly sliding his hand further up your leg and shifting it to rest on the innermost side. Unconsciously you press your legs together to stop his ascent. Suddenly his hand left your thigh, leaving you wanting more. He stood, looking down at you expectantly, offering his hand to you. You realize everyone is making their way to the dance floor in the middle of the event hall to watch the first dance.

"I do believe you promised me a dance. " Raiden's tone was commanding. Glancing up coyly through your lashes, you run your tongue over your bottom lip before smiling shyly.

"Of course, Lord Raiden," you begin silkily, "I am all yours." You take his proffered hand. His grip is vice-like on you as he pulls you to him. His eyes taking on more blue than white in a way like pupils dilating. He leaned close to whisper in your ear, "Not yet, but you will be," his breath sending a shiver of excitement down your spine. Realization dawned on him as he recognized it from your earlier encounter. He now knew you had lied and he was going to punish you for it. He led you to the dancefloor just as the newlyweds finished up their dance. Fujin pounced as soon as you were within range. Sweeping you away as soon as the music began with an impish grin and a wink at his brother. Raiden could only watch with murderous intent as he would not cause a scene here, and Fujin knew it well.

"Fujin! What are you doing?!" You whispered angrily. For the second time this evening, the capricious Wind God had denied you what you truly wanted.

"I am merely dancing with a beautiful woman, " he replied feigning ignorance.

"You know what I mean. I promised Raiden the first dance. Now you've made me break that promise," you stated sourly. You caught sight of the Thunder God prowling around the edge with all the gracefulness of a powerful predator. The only hint of his displeasure was the hard glint to eyes as he watched Fujin dance with you.

"Ah, I'm just having a bit of fun. He's never been the jealous type, it's quite humorous to see him beside himself ," Fujin laughed, his raspy voice like the wind through the trees.

"I really wish you wouldn't antagonize him so much," concern for Fujin's safety becoming more apparent.

" I can handle my brother, dear one. " Fujin gave you a brilliant smile. He was attractive, witty, and fun to be around. But nothing about him captivated you like Raiden did. Fujin's laughter and impish delight was infectious and you found yourself laughing too. He suddenly lifted you up above him and spun you around causing you to squeal out a laugh. Then, the mood shifted as he brought you back down, sliding you down his body before setting you down. You could feel him growing hard against your belly. "Fujin, what the f--" you were cut off by a vice grip on your arm as you were dragged back from the Wind God.

"You have taken up enough of her time, brother." Raiden said tightly. There was a threat in the way he spoke to Fujin that the younger brother must have understood. He paled under Raiden's hard gaze.

"Ah, of course. I shall take my leave," Fujin said contritly, bowing to his elder. " Perhaps another time, little dove." With that he stepped lightly away to engage with other guests. Raiden's grip remained tight as he led you out of the reception hall and down the short path to your cabin. He remained silent the entire time. You wanted to say something but the warning in his eyes made you forget how to speak. He flung open the front door and roughly ushered you inside, slamming the door behind him and tossing his hat to the floor.

"Raiden," you breathed out, "what..." you were cut off second time tonight as he hoisted you over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes slapping your ass hard, earning a yelp of pain mixed with arousal. You had never seen him act in such a manner. It was feral and fucking hot.

"You will learn your place, mortal. I will make this very clear. I do not share," he said whispered threateningly. " I also will not tolerate lies." You were stunned into silence, trying to figure out a time you had ever lied to him. Then you remembered you had told him you were cold. Was he really that mad about it? He strode into the bedroom and dumped you on the bed. He stood there, glaring at you, his frustration barely contained. He began to disrobe, stopping only to motion at your dress. " Take it off," he bit off sharply but you could only stare wide eyed at this feral god before you. "Or do you need assistance removing this one too?"

You only nodded, seemingly forgetting how human speech works. Free of his belt, tabard, cowl, and shirt Raiden was on you in an instant. Gripping the thin material, he ripped it in two down the middle. Once you were free of the dress, Raiden pushed you to the mattress, pinning you with his large frame.

"Now...where to begin?" He growled into the crook of you neck. He inhaled your scent deeply as he traced his lips up the side of your neck to your ear. He nipped at the lobe and you audibly hitched your breath. He took advantage of your parted lips and brought his own down hard on them. He robbed you of breath as the world around you faded away until there was only him.

"Hmmmm," you moaned into his kiss and arched into him wanting to feel more of him. Your hands skimmed along his naked torso and around to his back, feeling the rippling muscles beneath your fingertips. Raiden pulls back from you earning a whimper of protest, grabbing both wrists and pinning them above your head.

"Be still," he commands. Locking your wrists tightly with one large hand, he runs the other down the side of your face. Fire runs through your veins and soaks your already molten center. His fingers trace along your pulse, feeling its heavy beat, his lips soon follow. His hand glides down to your hip, running his thumb along the laced band of your panties. You squirm under him, your breaths coming in ragged gasps as his mouth moves from your throat to your collarbone, nipping sharply at irregular intervals. Suddenly he let's go of your wrists and hauls you up into a sitting position and moves in behind you, pulling you to recline between his legs. You can feel his hard length pressed into your lower back and shift purposefully against it, making the Thunder God rumble his desire.

"You would still dare to provoke a god, my dear?" The tenor of his voice dropping and octave.

"Yes," you whisper, "if it means being the reason he comes undone."

With a low rumbling groan that sounded more like a growl, he fisted a handful if your hair and yanked your head to the side, giving him access to the tender flesh of your neck. As his mouth traces a heated path from your jaw to where your pulse can be felt beating heavily, his other hand skims up from your waist to your bra, yanking each cup down exposing the supple mounds. He bites down on your neck at the same time his fingers give a sharp pinch on your nipple, sending liquid heat directly to your quivering center. You brace your hands on his thighs and and arch into his touch, crying out as he assaults the other nipple. He nips his way down to your collarbone, so too does his hand travel farther down, tracing out each curve until he comes to rest at the top of your mons. Your hips buck into his hand, desperate for friction, but his other hand lets go off your hair and he bands his large arm around your waist, pinning you to him.

"Raiden! " you cry out in frustration and dig your nails into thighs.

"Shhh," he soothes, "All in good time." His voice even and sultry, even as you feel him trembling. "Let me hear you," he whispers as his large hand cups your sex, his middle finger tracing its delicate folds.

"Ah! Lord Raiden!" You cry out grinding against his hand. He slips his finger into your molten heat, his own breath hot and ragged against your neck. Your hips buck up to meet his skillful ministrations. His arm tightens its grip around your waist and he rolls his hips at your backside, letting out his own growl of desire. He slips in another finger and sets a methodically slow pace, curling them on the outward stroke to drag across your deepest erogenous spot, a slight vibrating hum building where he touches you.

"Let go, my dear. I want to hear your desire," he says hoarsely as he presses his palm against the sensitized bundle of nerves at your apex, diving his fingers deep into your already soaking cunt. This is your undoing and you convulse around his deft fingers, your head thrown back against his broad chest with a strangled iteration of his name.

" Good girl," he whispers darkly. Moving with a speed and gracefulness that comes from eons of careful practice, Raiden slips out from behind you and strips his pants all in one fluid movement. And before the world can right itself, you are pressed to the mattress, the Thunder God pushing your legs wide and coaxing you to wrap them at his waist. He leans down, one arm supporting his weight and the other snaking under your hips to angle your opening to rest against his rigid length, your heat causing him to pant lightly. "Who do you belong to?" He asks, his bright, pale eyes roaming over your face, taking in every detail, before settling on your mouth, waiting for you to answer

"You, Lord Raiden. My Thunder God, " you whisper, trembling with need. "I belong to only you. "

Raiden draws back his hips so as to drag his aching length across your slick folds until the wide crest of his cock sits just at your entrance, and there he hovers, watching you pant in frustration, a devilish smile on his lips. "You feel frustrated? Good," his voice like dark silk as he leaned in closer, "Now tell me, my caged sparrow, what do you want me to do?"

Your hands coming up to meet his broad chest and running down the length of his torso, you look up at him with heavy lidded eyes, your voice husky with desire "Kaminari ga watashi o tsureteiku" you breathe out, watching as his gaze darkens with intense carnality. Slowly, he pushes into you, never breaking eye contact. He watches as you arch your neck and your eyes roll back as guttural moan escapes your lips, that is his undoing. The final shred of control he had on his own need for satisfaction dissipated as he finally hilted himself deep inside you. He uses his free hand to interlace his fingers with your yours, pinning your hand next to your head, your other hand free to travel over and trace every dip and hollow you could reach. "You truly are mine," he rasps out and begins to move with long, fluid strokes. His hips rolling each time he fully sheathed himself in your core.

"By the Gods, yes!" You gasp, leaning up to nip just below his collarbone, raking your nails down his back. The Thunder God above you moves his arm from under your hips to steady himself as he picks up the pace, rolling his head back to moan loudly. You reach up to cup the side of his face, urging him to look back at you, "I want to see you come undone for me, Raiden. Take me with you. " you say as you feel the pressure build. Raiden tightens his grip on your hand, his brow furrowed with concentration, sweat misting your bodies as his rhythm becomes erratic. All control finally broke as he lost himself to pleasure, deep growls and grunts reverberating off the walls, mingling with your soft whimpers and throaty moans. Your sex quivering around his unrelenting cock had you tightening your legs around his waist drawing him further in. Raiden pressed harder and undulated his hips, hitting your sweet spot again and again until you saw stars streaking across your vision.

"Oh, RAIDEN!!!!" you screamed out as your orgasm ripped through you. Pleasure wracked your body, as your hands scrabbled to hold onto him. He slammed into you one last time before stilling briefly as the first wave of his climax came. Raiden gave four more deep strokes, bottoming out in you as he emptied himself of his seed in you.

"By the Elder Gods ! " he said through clenched teeth. The Thunder God shuddered, finally spent, withdrawing and lying to the side you. No words were spoken, as he drew you into his arms, and pressed a tender kiss to your forehead. Breathing in his scent as you returned the tenderness by placing a kiss above his heart, you both drift off.

You are the one temptation I would gladly give in to he thought to himself before sleep took over.

Outside the cabin, the winds whipped wildly as thunder rumbled in the distance.

[buckyownsmylife]

woman’s world - chris evans smut

The one where Chris pisses you off during a panel, but then finds a way to apologize

Warnings: age gap, famous!reader, oblivious Chris, smut, unprotected sex

Chris’ P.O.V.

The panel had gone well, or as well as it could go when everyone was trying to push the idea of Y/N and I together. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to pursue something with her - quite the opposite in fact. I was completely infatuated with the young actress, but the problem was just that: she was young. Too young for me, probably. So it was becoming harder and harder to deal with everyone commenting on how great we would be together when it was already all I could think about, and there was nothing I could do to make it come true without looking like an absolute predator.

Still, there was no denying that my favorite part about this particular press tour had been getting to spend time with her. She was just the perfect company, especially in a situation like this, which frankly could easily become tiresome and irritating. She just had this way of being able to read me and know what I needed, so she’d easily take over when she noticed an interviewer was getting on my nerves or overstepping some boundaries. 

She was quickly becoming my favorite person, but unfortunately, the rest of our cast had noticed as much. And so that meant that for the last day or so, I’d forced myself to pull away from her, deliberately sitting as far away as possible and not even glancing her way whenever there was a camera around. I even managed to have a quick reaction when the panel moderator joked about us being the perfect couple, and I was proud of how my cry of “She’s a kid, for God’s sake!” had made everyone laugh, even my friends who had been keen on insisting I should ask her out. 

So needless to say, I was in a good mood. Such a great mood, in fact, that I’d decided to ask Y/N to come back to my room so we could grab a beer and watch some movies. Asking around for where she had gone, someone pointed in the direction I thought I’d seen her head to, and after a couple of seconds, I managed to see her in the middle of the sea of people. Then it was just a matter of smoothly dodging everyone trying to lure me into pointless conversations and then she was already within ear reach. 

Or so I thought, at least. I tried calling her name countless times, but she didn’t look back once. In fact, she even quickened her step, and soon enough I had to physically run so I could follow her into the elevator that could take us to the floor where we were staying. 

I didn’t think too much of it, considering she probably thought I was someone else and was doing the same as I was: trying to dodge anyone who wanted to make us stay a bit longer on the crowded floor where the convention was taking place. But then we were inside the elevator and she didn’t even turn to look me in the eye. 

More importantly, when I reached out to rub my thumb on her wrist, to signal that I wanted to hold her hand, the response I got was a harsh, “Is this your way of subtly hinting that you want to hold my hand? Because it’s quite cute, but I’m not in the mood for that at all.”

The attitude caught me by surprise in such a way that I was only able to snap out of it once the elevator’s doors opened, but before I could ask what the fuck was going on, she had ran out of it, walking towards her room with determination.

Oh no, she wouldn’t. There was no way I was letting her hide in her room, angry at me, when I didn’t even know what I’d done wrong. I sprung into action, running after her and managing to hold the door just before she was able to slam it in my face.

“What’s going on?” I cried out, pushing my way inside the room as she just stared up at me with hurt eyes and a pout on her lips. “What did I do?” Y/N huffed, rolling her eyes and crossing her arms while looking away from me, before I managed to pull her closer by her wrists when I pried her arms open again. “Talk to me, c’mon.”

She glanced at me with furrowed brows, quickly averting her eyes before looking back again with an unamused expression. “You’re really gonna act like you don’t know.” Anxiety coursed through my veins at a scary pace. It was clear that I’d hurt her, but I had no idea how!

“I really don’t know!” I cried out, begging her to answer me, so I could make this better. I couldn’t bear the thought of offending her, of possibly losing her… and her friendship. Since that was all I could get from her, I was gonna fight with everything to keep it. “Please, let me make it up to you.”

For a second, it seemed like she would relent. But when her eyes met mine again, it was clear that whatever she saw on mine reminded her of the reason that she was mad, because just when I started to smile, she caught a second wind, pulling her hands from me and turning her back. 

“I don’t know why you’re so adamant about making me feel better. I thought I was just a kid to you.” And then, suddenly, it made sense. Flashes of what had happened not even an hour earlier played in my head, this time her face being the focus of it all. Perhaps it wasn’t perceptible for everyone else that her smile faltered when I shouted that idiotic thing, but to me it was.

To me it was, and still, back then, I didn’t see it. I chose not to see it, because I was so scared to deal with the truth. Instead, I ended up hurting her. And that was literally the last thing that I wanted. 

“I-I’m sorry,” I immediately offered, raising a hand to scratch the back of my neck. “I just… I didn’t want them to start creating any narratives about us two together, you know? I mean… You know how they can get. And I can’t be… We can’t be... associated… like that.”

I knew I had screwed up even before it became clear that she wouldn’t answer. Despite how cautiously I’d tried to phrase it, it ended up sounding weird even to my own ears. And when she didn’t turn around to look me in the eye again, I didn’t know what else to do. I felt myself deflating, my heart beating desperately against my chest, terrified of losing her simply for being my stupid self.

“C’mon… You know what I mean,” I breathed out, trying to approach her and resting a hand on one of her shoulders, but she simply shook it off. “C’mon, Y/N, don’t be like that.” I made myself flinch with just how poorly I was handling that situation.

Y/N’s P.O.V.

I didn’t know what to do or say. Don’t be like what? “Like a child?” I asked, my tone icy enough to layer the tension in the room with one more level of awkwardness, and I didn’t need to see Chris to know that he was a mixture of nervous and confused, at the very least.

I knew it because I was, too. I was completely thrown off by my own behaviour, as weirdly as that sounded. I didn’t know why I was so defensive, except that I did. I did know it, I just didn’t want to admit. 

“Well, this child wants to be left alone. I’ll talk to you later, Chris.” And I stormed off into the bathroom, only stopping to take a breath when I was sure the door was locked behind me. I needed to put some distance between myself and him, otherwise I was gonna lose it - even worse than I already did. 

But it was too late to keep on ignoring my feelings. I was forced to deal with the reality of them, at least with myself, since I knew - especially after today - that there was no way I would ever get to reveal to Chris that I’d fallen for him.

To him, I was just a kid, and that’s all I would forever be.

Weirdly, I didn’t feel like crying as I took off my clothes and stepped into the shower, decided to wash away all of the bad feelings that this day had brought me. I just felt… disappointed, like a kid who’s been dreaming about a Christmas present only to find out they’ve been given socks. I’d been hopelessly trying to ignore my feelings for Chris, but at least a small part of me still fed into the ridiculous idea that he could possibly reciprocate those sentiments.

Now that it was obvious it would never be the case, it was like a small part of me had died on that stage.

By the time I got out of the shower, some twenty minutes later, I decided to put on a loose shirt I had kept around from some ex and take a nap until it was time to be social again. Certainly my friends would want to hit the bars or at least grab some dinner, and it would provide me with the perfect occasion to apologize to Chris.

Yes, that was perfect. That would get me a few more hours where I could manage to fabricate some resemblance of control before I had to see him. And then it would all go back to the way it was: me, pretending I don’t have a crush, while he kept seeing me as a kid.

I was so lost in my own thoughts that I didn’t even notice the massive body hidden beneath the covers in my bed until I went to uncover it so I could slide in.

“What the hell are you doing here? Get out of my bed,” I chastised, but Chris only gave me those annoyingly effective puppy eyes that had me groaning. “No. You don’t get to do this. I’m still mad at you, go to your room and we’ll talk about it later, but for now, just let me wallow in peace.”

But still, he didn’t let up. I tried to climb on the bed, but he was now smack down on the middle of it, still pouting with those perfect full lips of his. 

“Get. out. of. the. Bed.”

“Not until you tell me what I can do for you to forgive me. C’mon, baby girl, just let me make it up to you.” When I didn’t answer, making sure to avoid his eyes, he simply reached out and grabbed me by my hips, forcing me to sit on his lap. “Please?” He quietly begged, one hand cradling my face while the other maintained its grip on my hip. 

The movement had caught me by surprise, and my mouth fell open as I realized that because the shirt had ridden up, I was sat panties glued to Chris’ jeans. And if that wasn’t enough to throw me into a ridiculously horny state, the fact that I could feel just how hard he was certainly did.

“C’mon, sweetheart. Don’t be shy,” he pressed, and my eyes snapped up to meet his, finding a hazy lust that reflected mine and a very, very naugthty smirk that didn’t help my current about-to-get messy situation. “Tell me how I can make it up to you.”

I could hear my heartbeat in my ears as I took a sharp inhale, thinking about what I was about to say. Could I really do this? Should we even do this? I still wasn’t completely sure about what the hell had happened, but one thing I was certain of, and that was that I really wanted him to, “Kiss me.”

For all the reservation I expected Chris to have about this, he didn’t hesitate a single second before pulling me to meet his lips, and it was everything I thought kissing him would be like. His lips were soft and as patient as he seemed to try to be, there was an undeniable edge of neediness in the way his tongue swiped my bottom lip, begging me for entrance.

“You’re not gonna let me in, honey?” He whispered against my lips, warm breath making me shiver in his arms before I was able to gather my thoughts.

“I don’t think you deserve it.” I shrugged, but by Chris’ teasing smile, I knew I had just given him exactly what he wanted. In a quick move, he had me sprawled on the bed underneath him, while he hovered over me with dark eyes that I never thought I’d get to see outside of my dreams.

“Let me show you why you’re wrong.”

Chris’ P.O.V.

I started by rubbing the outside of her thighs until she opened her legs enough for me to settle in the space between them. I paid close attention to the way her breath hitched even with the softest of touches, incapable of stopping the grin that made its way into my face.

“Fuck, you’re so fucking sensitive, baby.” She whined as I lowered myself to replace my fingers with my lips, slowly making out with the delicate skin of her inner thighs. “You see? This is why I was scared to reveal my feelings for you. It’d be so easy to ruin you.”

By the way she bit on her lower lip, I knew I had reached my goal of making her even more bothered with what I had said, and slowly, I ran my hands up her legs and grabbed her hips to pull her further down, closer to my mouth. I ran my tongue over her lower lip, just barely gathering the excess moisture, and despite how clearly affected she was, Y/N managed to grab my hair and whisper, “I think you’re full of it, Evans.” It made me smirk, but before I could even offer a comeback, she just continued, “But even if you’re right… I’d like nothing more than to be ruined by you and only you.”

A sharp inhale later and a competition of stares, I pounced on her, devouring her little pussy like I’d wish to do so many fucking times before. She was sweet, but her moans were even sweeter, and the combination of sounds and taste and smell only served to intoxicate me, make me even more thrilled about finally having this gorgeous woman underneath me.

As her juices dripped from my jaw on the bed, she kept caressing my head, keeping me closely connected to her like I would ever dream of stepping away from this moment. I wanted to stay right here forever, away from people’s judgements and the overwhelming fear that she would think this was a mistake after it was over.

And right here, as my nose brushed her clit as I plunged my tongue as far as it could go inside her hole, she came right before my eyes, her honey dripping onto my tongue as I came up to toy with her clit before at last parting with her taste.

“You’re so fucking sweet,” I pointed out, stealing her lips with mine so I could share her taste with her, so she’d know I was right. “You’re sweet all over. Shit, I really want to fuck you.” My voice became nothing but a whisper, and soon her hands were cradling my face, thumb playing with my bottom lip before I sucked it. It was true. I craved to feel her from the inside, know what it was like to possess her in that way, too.

“Then fulfill both of our wishes. I really want to be fucked by you.”

Godfuckingdamn. This girl was just perfect. I knew right then, I’d made the right choice by deciding to stick around. When she appeared wearing nothing but that shirt, I forgot all of the reasons that were holding me back from simply taking her, and even now, they didn’t seem all that important anymore.

Y/N’s P.O.V.

“Your wish is my command.” I heard the words and braced myself to finally feel his cock inside of me, but still, the second that its head managed to fit, a long, drawn-out moan revealed just how impossible it was for me to restrain myself as Chris stretched me open around his member.

“Fuck!” Chris shouted, and it surprised me so much that it made my eyes widen as I stared up at him, hands still holding tightly on his muscular shoulders. “Sorry! Sorry.” He repeated as he bottomed out, forehead resting against mine as he seemed to catch his breath. “I just… I imagined your moans, but hearing them is a completely different thing altogether.”

The sentence had butterflies flying in my stomach and the reality of the situation suddenly hit me. I was lying in bed completely naked with a still fully clothed Chris Evans on top of me, and his cock was filling me in ways I’d never been filled before while he kept releasing these breathy little moans that had my heart skipping a beat every damn time my mind registered them.

“Good to know I’m not the only one who has been dreaming about this,” I settled for whispering in his ear before sucking on his earlobe, and a shiver passed through his body, making me giggle.

“Yeah,” he whispered, leaning down to kiss me quickly before deciding to do it again. “But I’m even more glad that this is actually happening right now.” What could I add to this? I didn’t think there were any combination of words possible. So I resigned myself to feel it, memorize every single thing about this moment when Chris started to pull out only to push back in again. “Let me take care of you,” he whispered, and in that moment, I’d let him do anything to me, just as long as he kept fucking me like this.

His thrusts felt like waves washing over the shore, bringing the tide of desire higher and higher and I could feel it reaching the point where it all changed, the point where my life would turn upside down because I would know what it felt like to cum around Chris’ cock, and the anticipation was enough to have me writhing on the unmade sheets of the hotel bed.

“Shit,” Chris chuckled, and I opened my eyes to find him staring at me with a soft look on his. “You’re unbelievable, sweetheart.” I could see the desire in his darkened pupils. I was sure it mirrored my own. “So beautiful, and you take my cock so well.”

Hearing him talk dirty was everything I’d always wished for, and I could feel myself getting even wetter around him, whines and whimpers escaping my chest as I held him closer to me.

“Fuck, I really wanna buy you a collar with my name on it. Make sure everyone knows I own you now.” The words, paired with the warmth of his breath had me clenching around him, and I fucking melted when I heard him meanly chuckle at my state - the state that he had caused me. “You want it too, huh?”

I really, really did. I’d never been one for external marks of possession, but something about this, about Chris and I, really had me going crazy for his proposal. Maybe because a part of me thought he would never want to admit this had ever happened. I thought he would try to deny it, and so to hear him wishing to boast about it… It really had me going crazy under him.

“Say it.” His voice cut through the haze, making me realize I was actually about to cum again. It took me a while to understand what it wanted, just enough to have him ordering again, in a tone of voice that made every single part of me tingle, “Say you want everyone to know that you’re mine.”

“I do. I want everyone to know I’m yours and only yours, Christopher.” I don’t know if it was the desperation in my tone, my use of his full name or the fact that I came again, but that finally had him losing the control of his movements, quickly pulling out of me and jerking himself off until his cum was painted all over my stomach.

For a second, it was only our labored breaths in the bedroom, staring at each other like we couldn’t believe this had really happened. “Still think I’m a kid?” I had to laugh, biting my lower lip while trying not to show that I actually was really nervous about his reaction now that we were done. But his eyes softened, a quick kiss deposited on my lips before he cradled me in his arms, cum and all, and answered, “You’ll always be my little girl. I just want to do some very adult stuff to you.”

[yankingmyvajane]

Beauyasha Meta

For anyone who can’t read the pictures with the small text. I’m sorry about that!!

When Beau and Yasha met in that tavern in Trostenwald, Beau was immediately drawn to Yasha. Obviously a lot of that was just base level attraction to her, because let’s face it, Yasha is hot as fuck.

 But, there was just something about Yasha that drew Beau in. To me, it feels like both Beau and Yasha understood and felt that pull, but they also had an unspoken agreement that their dynamic couldn’t be anything serious. It was just playful and flirtatious. At this point in time, Beau had fully convinced herself that she was happier being lonely, if she never opened herself up romantically, she couldn’t be heartbroken again. So, she decided that she would be alone forever, and would use occasional hook ups as a band aid to get by. Yasha was sure that she would never move on from Zuala because she didn’t want or deserve to. If she moved on, Zuala would be gone. How could she ever love another person ever again when she was the reason that this woman was killed? There was too much regret and too much shame in her heart for that to ever be on her radar. There were moments where Beau considered hooking up with Yasha, but that might’ve made things weird and Yasha left the group frequently. As they started to get to know each other more, Beau was considering making a move, but then Yasha, Fjord and Jester were taken by the Iron Shepherds. Then Molly died, which fundamentally impacted and changed both Beau and Yasha as people. Yasha left again, and we know through the art book that Beau missed her and considered her a part of the Mighty Nein. Once Yasha came back, Beau was very gentle with her, making sure that she was okay. Making her feel safe. I think that it brought Yasha comfort to be able to slowly start to jump back into the way things were with the Nein. Whether she liked it or not, she had grown to care deeply for these people, and now that Molly was gone, they were her only family. So, their relationship slowly started to get back to the flirtation of the earlier campaign, except this time Yasha started to reciprocate. Then Yasha told the entire group Zuala, and Beau cared way too much about Yasha to ignore the fact that she was grieving. Beau understands loss, and she couldn’t just swoop in like an asshole trying to flirt with Yasha like she had before now that she knew Yasha’s struggles. But then there was that night in the barbed fields when Yasha initiated flirtation with Beau. That was the night that they opened up to each other about things that they hadn’t told anyone else about.Yasha is still the only one who knows the full story of Beau and Tori’s relationship. For the first time, this unspoken understanding of their pull to one another was made explicit. “I’ve seen you.” Which to this day, is such a perfect quote to summarize their relationship. Beau was making an off-handed comment to belittle herself, and Yasha flipped it to show Beau that she understands her, values her, and cares for her. This one scene has so much depth. Beau checking in on Yasha. Yasha reassuring Beau that no matter what she may see in herself, no matter what she’s been led to believe about her character, Beau is deserving of respect, of love, and Yasha isn’t the only person who believes that either. Yasha listening to Beau’s pain and making sure that she knows it is just as valid as her own. Beau making it known that she has been paying attention to Yasha, and that she can see that there is something truly special about her. Yasha makes sure to find a moment to make Beau laugh. These two women who have emotionally closed themselves off from the world, on multiple levels, opening up to each other about love and loss. Realizing that their lives have been connected long before they even knew the other existed. That they are more similar than they could have ever thought. A moment of understanding and recognition of the other’s experiences of love, and the pain of their loss. A then, a glint of realization that maybe someday, they could both find someone who is worth risking that same pain all over again. Or maybe…they had already found them. Beau’s response was subtle, though. Maybe Yasha was just being kind. It probably didn’t mean anything, and besides, Beau had made a choice. She had decided to back away, and she swore that nothing would ever happen between them because it was too complicated. Yasha was still mourning her wife, and as much as she cared about Yasha, maybe even because she cared so much, it hurt Beau every time Yasha left the Mighty Nein. Which she did frequently. How could Beau let herself care if Yasha wasn’t going to stay? That is exactly why she decided to be lonely. No feelings means no heartbreak. Everything changed once Obann took Yasha away from them. Beau began to realize how much she truly cared, because she felt how much it hurt that Yasha was gone again. She barely slept for several nights after Yasha was taken because she wanted to hear a storm. She wanted some confirmation that Yasha would be okay. Maybe the Storm Lord could bring her back to them.   As much as she tried to avoid confronting the pain of losing Yasha, Beau never gave up on her, and knew that what they were seeing wasn’t really her. During this time, Beau developed a crush on Jester. Once Yasha came back, their relationship grew similarly to the way it did after Yasha came back from leaving at Molly’s grave. It started slow and careful, but eventually began building back up to the ways things were. The playful flirtation between them started back up. No matter what Beau convinced herself of, she always came back to that connection she has with Yasha. She began to realize that her feelings for Yasha were stronger than her crush on Jester. She has been avoiding her feelings for Yasha because she has been avoiding confronting her future; with Yasha, it has always been more than a crush. She called her beautiful at the fish market, she blue screened over her getting stronger overnight, she watched her play her harp on the beach and smiled at her while watching her from a distance. At the same time, Yasha once again began to slowly initiate flirtation with Beau in her own ways. She always protected Beau in combat, and couldn’t help but get flustered around her. We know that she has been harboring guilt over what she did to Beau in the chantry, which probably held her back from doing more. I imagine that moment also motivated her to open up more as well, though. Perhaps she began to realize the fragility of life, and maybe she was struggling with balancing the knowledge that she needs to say something before it’s too late, and the shame and regret of the things she has done. Then they went to Rumblecusp. There was that night in Vo where Yasha played her harp and everyone could see just how much she had healed. We watched the layers of emotion hit Beau’s face. I think she started to realize in that moment that while Yasha had grown, so had she. They are not the same two people who met in a tavern before a carnival. They have both been through so much shit, and yet here Yasha was, playing her harp in front of everyone, displaying this gentle beauty that Beau knows has always been within her. It was in that moment that all of the feelings Beau had for Yasha began to click for her. Then, there was the flight. Ever since going to Kamordah and seeing the hag, Beau had been struggling a lot. The realization that one day she would lose the Mighty Nein was massive for Beau, because she realized that despite everything she had told herself, she is terrified of being alone. Flying with Yasha was the first time since going to Kamordah that we saw Beau carefree. She was even (trying) to say that she felt better than she had in a long time (good long time). In my opinion, that moment completely solidified Beau’s feelings for Yasha in Beau’s mind. This woman that she has been harboring feelings for since the moment they met just sprouted literal angel wings for the first time in her life for the sole purpose of catching Beau and taking her on a flight over a waterfall. Beau also knows that the fact that Yasha’s wings were no longer skeletal means something, and I am absolutely certain she could tell how much the moment meant for Yasha. To be the person that this woman gets to share one of the most important and symbolic moments of her life with is not a small thing. Combine all of that with the fact that Beau was starting to accept that her feelings for Yasha were much more than playful; everything that the two of them went through as individuals, all of their personal growth only brought them closer together. Beau knows that she doesn’t want to be alone anymore, in fact she realizes how terrible being lonely is, and now she also realizes that as terrifying as it may be to think about, she has started to think about what a future might look like with Yasha in it. And the best part? She actually feels like running towards that future instead of running away from it. In order to let herself fully accept this and say it out loud to someone, Beau needed to know that Yasha wasn’t going to leave anymore. Yasha’s absence was always the biggest setback for them. So, Beau asked Yasha outfront, and Yasha told her, with a knowing and loving smile, that she isn’t going anywhere. Wherever the Nein go, wherever Beau goes, Yasha goes. Despite this, Beau does not expect anything of Yasha, because she knows she has her own shit to deal with. Yet there is still that glimmer of hope in her mind. So she tells Fjord. Then she tells Jester. The ball has to be in Yasha’s court because Beau respects Yasha too much to overstep. And Yasha, who has been fighting with the parts of herself that are holding on to her mistakes and the part of her that cares deeply about Beauregard, is now coming to terms with the dream she had the night before. She had a dream, or maybe it was more than a dream, that gave her the tools to forgive herself for the things she has been holding on to for so long. Now that she is beginning to forgive and to let go of the guilt, what could her future bring? She has a dream about letting go and growing her wings, and the very next day she uses her newly feathered wings to catch the woman who she has developed strong and passionate feelings for, and gets to share this life changing moment with her. Then she talks to Caduceus and he echoes a sentiment very similar to one that she shared with Caleb. If you care for someone, you should tell them before it is too late. Who knows how much time is left. If you have the opportunity, why not make the most of whatever time you do have left. He tells her that she deserves to go for the things she wants. And she knows that he is talking about her feelings for Beau. So she tells Jester how she feels, she makes it real for herself. There is no going back now, and so they come up with a plan to tell Beau in the perfect way. And she writes the poem, but decides that what she wants to tell Beau needs to be more candid and real; more specific to who Yasha is, and to who Beau is. So Yasha writes a letter telling Beau that she sees her. Just like she did all that time ago in the barbed fields. She sees Beau, every part of Beau, even the parts that Beau thinks are bad or unloveable, and she tells Beau that she cherishes every part of her. She highlights her strengths in a way that she knows Beau deserves to hear. It is clear that Yasha understands Beau intimately by the words she wrote, and by the way that Beau reacted to what she read. The ball is now back in Beau’s court. As we know now, Beau is planning something for Yasha. She looked for flowers and wanted Caleb to change the tower somehow. These two women who have experienced so much loss and heartbreak, whose lives and journeys have mirrored one another and became intertwined the moment they met are taking their time and waiting for the perfect moments so that they absolutely get it right. Each of them knows that the other deserves nothing less than perfect. Yasha, who never got to share her love with the world, whose love was taken from her unfairly and cruelly. Yasha, who had closed herself off emotionally to protect herself from losing anymore loved ones, yet who protects and gives love without ever needing or asking for anything in return. Beau, who has been dismissed, undermined, and neglected by her family her entire life. Beau, who has given so much of herself just to feel valued and acknowledged, and who desperately wants to feel seen. To truly be loved.

[trashforhockeyguys]

Days Gone Silent - Jeff Skinner

Part two to Days Gone Quiet.

A/N: So, pregnancy, mentions of a possible miscarriage, trip to the hospital. If any of those things make you uncomfortable, maybe don’t read. 

A whopping 6.6K, but I’m honestly very proud of this story. I’m proud of how this story is. I’m proud of the character growth.

Two pink lines. That was all you could see. Those two stupid lines. Seemed ironic to you that there happened to be a vicious thunderstorm outside. Each clap made you jump, but it was those two lines that made you feel sick. Those two lines….they weren’t what you wanted. 

Your hands shook as you tried to get a grip on yourself. You had to meet Jason in twenty minutes. You were going to the Sabers game tonight. You almost wanted to laugh. This wasn’t supposed to be your life. 

You pulled at your hair for a moment. This was not how your twenties were meant to go. You shook your head and pushed away from the counter before throwing the test in the trash. You could push it out of your mind for one night. 

You arrived at the arena later than planned. Still, you didn’t rush to your seat. You didn’t run to meet Jason. Instead you slowly walked up to your level. Jason liked the higher levels because he could see more. Plus he liked it when you were able to explain the plays to him.

“You’re late. Nearly missed half of the period,” Jason announced when you sat down next to him. 

“Sorry…” You trailed off, scanning the bench even though you knew he wouldn’t be on it, “Um. Yeah, sorry. There was traffic.”

“You okay?” Jason asked.

You nodded slowly. You knew he wasn’t on the ice, he hadn’t been cleared yet. But you knew him well enough to know that he was in the arena. He was here. You hadn’t seen or spoken to him since you left his apartment nearly two months ago...but he was here.

It was half way through the first intermission before you spoke again, “I’m pregnant.”

“Oh..wow..” He blew out a deep breath, “Well, at least we know I’m not the dad.”

“Jason.”

He studied your face before looking back at the ice, realization seeming to hit him like a truck, “Oh shit. It’s his.”

“Well...that’s the only option.”

You scratched at your neck and tried not to keep looking for him. You felt sick, but a different kind of sick. You tried so hard not to think about it. Or to think about the argument that ruined your once perfect relationship with the one man you loved more than anything. 

The engagement ended, mere months before the wedding, because of one simple thing- you didn’t want kids.

You’d never been that person that saw yourself having children. Never thought about being a mother. You loved kids, always swore you’d be the best godmother and aunt, but never mother. That’s what ended it. He wanted them, so desperately, and you didn’t. He knew that it was one thing you wouldn’t waiver on. You would bend when it came to so much, but this was one thing you were going to stand firm on. 

You could still remember the way he looked at the spare bedroom, telling you that he thought that it would one day become a nursery. You remembered the hurt that fell across his face when you made it abundantly clear that it would never happen. 

“Okay...So you call him and tell him,” Jason shrugged, “He’s a good guy, he’ll take care of you.”

“You don’t get it Jase,” You sighed, “I never wanted this. He’s always been the one that wanted kids, I never ever wanted to be a mom.”

“We’ll, there’s option 2,” He said almost grimly.

“No…” You shook your head, “I need to tell him. I might hate it...but damnit he has a say in this.”

You tugged on your hair and tried to figure out how you were supposed to tell him. It had been nearly two months since you talked last. You were the one who left this time. You doubted you could just call him out of the blue. You knew you couldn’t just spring it on him, even though that’s all you wanted to do. You wanted to just rip off the bandaid, tell him and get it over with. Figure out how you were meant to move on from this.

“Or maybe I just don’t tell him.”

“Y/N, you know you can’t do that.”

“I know...I just-” You took a deep breath and tried to push down the feeling, “We didn’t get married because I didn’t want kids. And then when he got hurt we kind of found our way back to each other, until we both slipped and now there’s a fucking baby.”

Jason grabbed your hand, trying to calm you down as best as he could. He might not have known you as long as Jeff had, but he knew when you were stressed. And this….this was more than stress. 

Meanwhile, across the rink, Jeff could see you from the box the team put him in. He was off his crutches, and was allowed to skate again, but hadn’t been fully cleared to play. He thought about calling you since you left his apartment. He wanted to have you back in his life, but he also knew you’d run if he tried. But he missed you. He missed the late nights and the quiet mornings spent in bed. He wished there would've been a way that the two of you could’ve worked it out. It had only taken him a couple of weeks after the entail breakup to realize he didn’t want to live his life without you, but the damage had already been done and he didn’t know how to reverse any of it.

He could see you clutching onto another man, he was pretty sure it was that guy you’d told him about. A blind date that turned into a great friendship. He tried not to be jealous of the way you leaned into the guy, the way you seemed to cling to him. Jeff knew he had no right to those feelings.  

But he still felt like you were his forever...even if he knew that wasn’t going to happen now.

It was nearly a week later when you walked out of the office, a small stack of pictures in your hand. It was a little blob, barely more than a blip on the paper, but it was there. You were nearly out of the first trimester. It was real now.

You took several deep breaths as you walked through downtown. This was really happening, there was nothing you could really do about it. There was going to be a baby. You tried to imagine what your life was going to look like now. Your apartment was big enough for now. But the thought of moving back home to be closer to your family sounded nice, just so you could have help. You weren’t sure how you were even meant to raise a child. 

You found yourself pulling your jacket in closer. The cold wind caused you to shiver. You knew you needed to call Jeff….whatever happened, he deserved to know. Especially when he was the one who always wanted this life. He wanted the white picket fence and swingsets. 

“Y/N!”

You looked up to see Jack just a few feet away from you. Startled, you dropped the small stack of black and white photos. You jumped, realizing he was moving to pick them up. He got to them before you could fully tell your body to grab them first. You could see the emotions fly across his face before he handed them back to you. 

“Do you want to go get some lunch?” He asked, taking you by surprise. 

You let out a deep breath before nodding, “Yeah...lunch would be good.”

So the two of you landed at a table in the corner of the restaurant he brought you to. You knew Jack wouldn’t bombard you with questions, but you knew he had them. He, like the rest of the team, knew you were living with Jeff while he was getting back on his feet, literally. It wouldn’t take much to try to put two and two together. 

“So..are you okay?” 

You weren’t expecting that to be the first thing he asked you. Jack, the sweet man that you and Jeff both befriended not long after coming to Buffalo. The man that was there for Jeff after the breakup, who let him crash on his couch more than enough times. The one who would still like and comment on all of your posts, especially when you got a massive promotion. He was sitting there like nothing ever changed, like you hadn’t forced all of them to choose Jeff. 

“I um-” You shook your head slightly, “I don’t think so. Not this time.”

He reached his hand across the table and gently grabbed yours, “I’ll be here, if you need a friend.”

“You’re not even going to ask?” I questioned, “You don’t care who’s it is?”

“I didn’t think I had to ask. He was pretty forthcoming with the details of those weeks.”

“I didn’t- I hurt him again. Again and again and again, that’s all I do.”

Jack shrugged, “You two are fire and ice, but somehow I don’t think either of you mind in the moment. It’s when you leave each other again that the pain sets in.”

You shook your head, “We broke it all off for a reason. Seems like the universe didn’t care. I missed a couple of pills, and now…”

“It happens.”

“Not to me, it doesn’t. But...here I am anyway.”

“And you haven’t told him yet?” His tone was cautious, he didn’t want to overstep. 

“You would’ve known if I had. Just not sure how to…”

He smiled softly and squeezed your hand, “It’s Jeff, he’ll be alright.”

And so that night you found yourself outside of Jeff’s apartment. You bounced on your feet and tried to gather enough courage to knock on his door. Your stomach twisted, you weren’t sure if it was because of the morning sickness that took hold of you all hours of the day, or if it was your own fear.

You were sure you looked awful. You’d spent the last couple of hours throwing up. It seemed the thing inside you didn’t appreciate the lunch you’d eaten with Jack. Although, there was little that that tiny little blip did like. 

You raised your hand and gently knocked on the door. So gently, you wondered if he even heard it. But then you could hear the scuffle from the otherside of the door, maybe even some laughing. 

His face was flushed, a careless smile was spread across his face. His shirt was half unbuttoned and you could smell the cheap perfume, it was enough to make you want to vomit all over again. 

“Y/N,” He looked as if he’d been hit. 

“Hey come back, I’m lonely,” The female voice called from somewhere inside. 

You were stunned. You felt cornered. I could feel myself backing away, trying to make a quick escape but my body wouldn’t let me. As much as I wanted to run, my legs were stuck.

“I’m sorry...I-” You couldn’t finish before the smell of that perfume became too much. You turned and ran as fast as you could, until you were outside and the cold crisp air hit you. But even then, you found yourself hunched over the nearest trashcan as the heaving began. You wanted all of this to just be over already. The sickness and the feeling like the world was going to cave in on you. You wanted to feel happy like so many other moms. But you were scared. Only scared. 

“Y/N?” 

Next thing you knew, you could feel someone pulling your hair back out of your face. The wind stinging as it hit the warm tears that were falling. You hated getting sick. But you hated whatever was going on upstairs even more. 

He still smelled like her, of course he would. You knew Jeff, he likely just bolted after you as soon as you ran, leaving her alone. Once you composed yourself enough you tried to put enough distance between you two. Knowing if you got closer it would all just start again. 

“Just...stay there.”

“What’s going on? Are you okay?” He was panicked.

“You should-” You took another deep breath of the cold air to try and clear your lungs, “You should go back. You’re busy.”

“Fuck that,” He snapped, “What’s going on with you? You show up and then just bolt?”

“Seriously, unless you want me to start throwing up again...you should go back inside.”

“What the hell Y/N?”

“It’s the perfume, okay. I can’t- the smell makes me sick.”

He laughed almost coldly. You hadn’t seen this side of him since the night you broke things off. He was angry, he had every right to be. 

“Then maybe you should have called before you just showed up here for nothing,” His tone made you take a step back, “Obviously I was preoccupied. So I think I will go back upstairs.”

“I’m-” Your voice was so small as he turned and took a few steps, “Jeffy.”

He turned at the sound of your voice breaking, “Jeff...I’m pregnant.”

He went quiet and unmoving. Your hands were clenched at your side, not anywhere near your stomach, where the ghost of a bump was starting to form. Yet, his eyes drifted there anyway. You wished you knew what he was thinking. You almost wanted to laugh at how cruel all of this seemed. You and Jeff would’ve been happily married by now, living in the house with the white fence, and this wouldn’t have been such a shock. 

“I should-” He took a deep breath, still looking at your stomach, “I should go tell her to leave.”

“Jeff.”

“You can wait outside the door if you want,” He said, “I’ll change too.”

“Jeff.”

“Isn’t that way you came then?” He asked, turning back towards you, “To talk about this? To talk options.”

“I thought-you aren’t mad?”

“Jesus. No. We weren’t exactly the most sensible during those months. Not that I expected this, or wanted this for you. But...how are you?”

You weren’t sure how to answer. Too much was going on inside your head. You had no idea how you were, “I don’t know. I’m...I’m pregnant. I don’t know.” 

“How?” He took a deep breath, “How far along?”

“Far enough,” You stated. 

You could see him trying to do the math. He’d always been attentive. When you were still together he knew when to expect your period, and knew when you were late. You often wondered if he didn’t have it marked in his calendar so he’d know what to expect from you.

“Sometime either right before or not long after I left,” You answered the question you knew he was silently asking. 

“Give me five minutes, you can wait in the lobby if you want.”

“No, it’s okay...We can talk tomorrow,” You said, a weird sense of guilt washing over you. 

His face changed, something seemed to shift within him, “I turned you out into the cold once, Y/N,” He stated sadly, “I refused to listen. I won’t make that mistake again. So...please.”

You nodded slowly, knowing this was something the both of you needed to do tonight. Before either of you lost courage, or somehow decided this wasn’t a good idea at all. So you slowly followed him back inside, letting the warmth of the building overtake you. But rather than waiting in the lobby, you opted for the small sitting area at the other end of his floor, far enough away from his door that his friend wouldn’t see you. It seemed odd to you that you felt a pang of jealousy in your chest, he wasn’t yours anymore. 

Having his child didn’t change anything. You weren’t together. Even after all of the years you spent sleeping next to him, you had no claim to him anymore. Not after you walked out on him again. 

“You’re still here,” Jeff said a few minutes later, seemingly stunned by the fact you were right where he left you. 

“I told you I wouldn’t go anywhere,” You whispered, “But I guess I don’t blame you. I’m not always the best at keeping promises.”

He let out a small laugh, like it was meant to cover up the pain you knew you caused him, “I put a kettle on. You can still have tea, right?”

“I don’t think it’ll kill me.”

The apartment smelled clean, like he’d opened windows to air it back out. The pillows on the couch, which you were sure had been thrown, were back where they belonged. If you didn’t know any better you would’ve thought he’d just come home from a road trip and the apartment was cleaned while he was away.

“How are you, really?” He asked you. 

You sighed and started to play with your fingers, “Sick all of the time, and achy. I get these horrible headaches too, sometimes they’re so bad it’s hard to move,” You explained to him, “And I’m tired. God, I’m always so tired. Little thing is zapping everything out of me I guess.”

“I’m sorry, Y/N,” You could hear the guilt in his voice without even looking up, “I know this isn’t what you wanted. I’m sorry.”

You tried not to think back to the night your engagement ended. How different this conversation was to the one had that night. It seemed almost funny to you how different both of you had become since then. Both of you grew, but you had to grow apart in some ways. 

“You’re right….I didn’t want this,” You said softly, almost a whisper, “I never saw myself with kids. And to be honest I’m still not sure that I do see myself with them. But this is happening Jeff. And I haven’t really let myself think about it, but...I think I could want this.”

You tried to force down the wave of feelings that was building, “I never wanted the picket fence and swingsets and stepping on Legos all the time...and there’s still a big part of me that’s terrified of what’s coming. But then there are other days, when I’m in bed alone at night, or during the day when it’s quiet, that I just feel… I don’t know really. But I can see the picket fence, and the dirty diapers, and the little mighty mite hockey games down the road. And I think I’m excited, and happy. But I don’t know how to be, because I hurt you when I said I’d never want this, and now I-”

“Shh,” He pulled you into his chest, holding you as tightly as he dared to, “This is happening, it doesn’t matter anymore. If you want the picket fence then we’ll figure out a way to get that life back. But you won’t be doing any of it alone.”

“I don’t want you to feel like you have to do anything Jeff,” You admitted, “I don’t want you to feel like I’ve trapped you.”

He nearly laughed and gently grabbed your hands, “Funny, last year you were saying I was the one trapping you.”

“Jeffy-”

“Believe it or not, I’ve been hoping you’d come back since the second you left. This is just a little extra,” He shrugged like it was no big deal, “We’re in this together now. Now drink your tea, you look like you need it.”

“You bought more of this?” You said after taking a sip of the tea that you’d been drinking for years. 

His back was to you as he fixed a cup for himself, “Like I said, I kept hoping you’d come back.”

Your chest hurt. He didn’t seem to miss you all that much, but you knew he wouldn’t lie about something like that. One thing about Jeff was the fact that he had his heart on his sleeve, always had. From the moment you met him during his rookie year, you knew that. You tried not to let tears burst forward. Now was not the time for that. 

“I’m-” You swallowed the large lump in your throat, a hand wandered down to your stomach, “I’m sorry I took so long.”

“You look like you’re about ready to drop,” He stated, “You’re free to steal some of my clothes and make yourself at home. I don’t want to send you back out into this snow, it’ll only get worse.” 

You nodded slowly and made your way to his room once you finished your tea. Not much had changed in the short time since you’d last been in here, other than the fact that he’d replaced the bedspread like you suggested to him. 

For a second you allowed yourself to close your eyes and see the life he could obviously see so clearly. For as long as you could remember, your future never looked clear to you. You couldn’t see things the way he could, you only saw yourself as you were in that moment. 

Yet, you could almost see the two of you cuddling a small baby. You could see him teaching them how to skate when they were old enough. Maybe in a couple of years, you could have another. He always wanted more than one, you knew that. 

You pulled out a pair of sweatpants from one of his drawers, you knew normally they’d be too big, but you were already starting to put on some extra weight. You pulled your sweater over your head, catching sight of your reflection on the mirror that hung on the back of his closet door. 

You didn’t look pregnant, and aside from being unbelievably sick half of the time, you didn’t feel pregnant. Yet, even still, there was the smallest swell of your stomach, to anyone else it would just look like you were bloated. Had too much bread, or ate too much and had a food baby. But you knew...you knew. 

You stepped closer to the mirror, dropping your sweater on the bed. You hadn’t really allowed yourself to really think about any of it. You blocked out most of your doctor’s appointment, all you had to know was that the baby was healthy. The rest just sort of got blurred out.

So you stood, sideways so you could really get a look. You knew it would get bigger in the coming weeks. You wouldn’t be able to hide it anymore, everyone at work would know. You’d have to call and tell your family for sure, and Jeff….he would have to tell his family too. 

You were going to have his baby. For better or worse, you two would be parents. 

“Do you want any-” Jeff fell silent at the sight of you gently holding your stomach. 

You didn’t move, as if you didn’t even hear him. He leaned against the doorframe and watched you. Your eyes were glued to your reflection, so deep in thought you had no idea of your surroundings. He knew you didn’t want kids, but he also knew you’d be an amazing mom. He’d known that for years, he remembered watching you with his teammate’s babies over the years, and just how wonderful you were with them. He never would’ve forced you to have a family, but he couldn’t wait to see you with this child. 

He knew you were scared, hell he was terrified. He didn’t know how to be a dad, he didn’t know the first thing about pregnancy, or what the two of you were going to be once this was all over. But he knew he was excited to be a dad. He might not have been ready, and this wasn’t how he planned it all to be, but he was ready.

He took a step towards you when he noticed your shoulders started shaking as you fought off tears. He wouldn’t pretend to know what was going on inside your head, but he knew that you needed him. Even if you wouldn’t admit it, you needed him. 

“I’ve got you,” He pulled you into his chest, not even skipping a beat. 

“I’m pregnant,” You finally felt the full force of the situation hitting you. 

You were going to be a mom. This wasn’t something you could avoid, you were having a baby. You were responsible for a human life. Your body shook against his as you cried. You couldn’t figure out if you were happy now or not. As much as you never wanted a child, you did want this. You wanted the picket fence life with Jeff. You wanted this baby that was growing within you. The little blob on the pictures. The blob that was changing your life already. 

“Jeffy, we’re having a baby,” You sobbed.

He held you, not quite knowing if he needed to try to calm you down, or cry with you. He carefully pushed you back towards the bed and pulled you into his lap. Without even realizing it, you grabbed his hand and put it on your stomach. His touch was calming to you, always had been. 

He was one of the only people who could calm you down during the worst storms...this was another storm. Just a different kind of storm.

Two weeks later, you were splitting your time between your apartment and Jeff’s. He wanted to spend as much time with you as he could. There were very distinct lines that had been drawn, and the two of you tried desperately not to cross them. For the sake of your baby, you tried not to toe them, tried not to be anything but friends with him. But you wanted to be close to him all of the time. 

Keeping distance when his teammates were around though, was hard. Jack knew, not only because you told him, but because Jeff did as well. As for your families, you didn’t yet know how you were supposed to do that. You weren’t sure how either of your families were going to react to the news. But you’d worry about that later.

Because right now you and Jeff were curled up in his bed, his hand resting on your belly, which was slowly getting bigger. You were almost to the point where you couldn’t hide it anymore. Your larger sweaters were almost too small. The thought almost excited you, you felt like you were ready to show off. 

Jeff was fast asleep next to you, but didn’t dare to let go of you. This was how it was when you stayed with him. You couldn’t deny that you felt safer in his arms, you always had. You slept better too.

It was a sharp pain that ripped you from your peaceful sleep. You let out a cry as it ripped through you again. Jeff was sitting up in an instant, reaching over to turn on the lamp on the nightstand. You nearly screamed when you moved the blankets away and saw red. No sound would come out though, only tears as you couldn’t take your eyes off from it. 

Jeff was moving as soon as he saw it. He tugged on a shirt and grabbed an extra pair of pants for you, the thickest pair of sweatpants that he owned, and a sweatshirt. You barely moved as he carefully put them both onto you, all you could do was hold your stomach. 

“It’s too much,” You mumbled, almost in a trance, “Jeff there’s...it’s too much blood.”

“Shh,” He tried to quell your fears, and tried to force down his own, “We’re going to get you to the hospital okay? It’s going to be fine.”

But how could it be when you could practically feel that perfect life slipping away from you. Bit by bit, you could see it all falling away. You said nothing as he drove you to the nearest hospital. You only cried and winced with each new bit of pain. You knew what this meant...you knew it was over.

Jeff tried to reach over for your hand, if only to try to comfort you and make sure that you knew you weren’t alone. But you shied away from him. He would blame you for this. You didn’t want the baby in the first place, surely this was your fault somehow. 

You felt almost numb.

You fell asleep shortly after the doctors finished running tests. They were able to stop the bleeding, but didn’t yet know what your condition was. All you could do was sleep. Jeff was pacing in the halls, having been asked to wait until the doctors were done with you. He’d been promised a nurse would come for him, but he just wanted to be by your side. He promised you wouldn’t be in this alone, and he felt like he was abandoning you. 

He wanted to call his parents and beg for help, but they didn’t know. Most of the team didn’t know. Neither did your family. The two of you were alone in this for now. He was alone in this...and you were alone. For as long as they kept him away. 

“Mr. Skinner?”

Jeff’s movements stopped as he saw the doctor coming towards him. His breath halted, he knew just as well as you did what the outcome was going to be. Even he knew that was too much blood no matter the stage you were in. You were past the point where spotting was normal, and that was far from spotting. 

He tried to brace himself, he tried to come to peace with it. Even if it was only so that he could be strong for you. He knew you were excited, you wanted to take daily pictures of your growing bump so that you could show them off when the time came. You’d been so excited to find out what you were having at your next appointment, and made Jeff swear he’d be there. As if he would miss that appointment for the world. He caught you looking at nursery ideas on Pinterest. He knew you were ready for this now. And just as you’d come to terms with it, and allowed yourself to be excited about the baby, it was taken from you. 

“We stopped the bleeding, we’re still working to find the cause of it. But we’d like to keep them here at least overnight, so that we’ll be able to monitor both mom and baby,” The doctor explained. 

Jeff’s knees threatened to give out, “Both of them?” He tried not to hope. God did he try, but all he could do was think that maybe it wasn’t all gone. 

“The baby is fine, Mr. Skinner, as is Miss Y/L/N. We have her on fluids and we’ve given her some blood, but we’ll continue to run tests to find the cause,” The doctor paused when they truly saw the look on Jeff’s face and gently put a hand on his shoulder, “Your baby is just fine. Trying to kick up a storm by the looks of the last ultrasound.”

“They’re both okay?” Tears finally fell from Jeff’s eyes. He wasn’t able to hold them back any longer. He tried to prepare himself for the heartbreak that he thought was going to come, but he never considered that he might find relief by the end of the night, “They’re okay?”

The doctor smiled softly and nodded, “I’ll take you to her room. She’s asleep, but I’m sure you’d like to be there when she wakes up.”

Jeff sat by your side for hours, constantly looking over to the fetal heart monitor. Sometimes his hand would rest over your stomach, he couldn’t feel the baby but he knew it was there. That was enough for him. You began to stir quite a few hours later. Jeff was exhausted, but knew he needed to be awake when you finally came around. 

He sat straight up and held onto your hand tightly. You started silently crying almost instantly, thinking the worst had come to pass. 

“I’m sorry,” Your voice, though not above a whisper, broke. 

“Shh, you’re okay,” He kissed your hand, “Love, you’re both okay.”

At that exact moment, one of the doctors came in, rolling a large screen attached to a machine in with her. Your confusion didn’t go away as you addressed the room. You were hooked up to double the monitors, but that shouldn’t be the case. 

“Alright, time to check on how you’re both doing,” The doctor announced, “And, this time you’ll both get to see your baby.”

“I don’t understand I-” 

Jeff kissed your hand again, eyes brimmed with tears, “You’re both okay, Y/N. The baby is okay.”

You were released three days later. The second you got back into Jeff’s apartment you went to the couch. You’d been placed on bedrest, for the sake of you and your baby. You weren’t thrilled about it. It meant you had to be relieved from work for the time being, and you wouldn’t be able to go to any games or really go anywhere at all. But your baby was fine, healthy even. 

“She’s a fighter, like her mom,” Jeff said, catching you looking down at your belly. 

“She scared the living hell out of us,” You replied, “Listen here little miss, don’t do that again for a long time. You need to be gentle with me, I’m new to this.”

Jeff laughed softly and put down your bags before joining you on the couch. He wrapped his arms around you, allowing you to rest your head on his shoulder. The world seemed so different to both of you now. The three days spent in the hospital, you both realized the lines you’d drawn no longer mattered. There was you and him and the baby. Your little family.

“I still want to marry you,” He stated. 

“And I still want to be married to you,” You replied, “Just...after she comes.”

“I’ll hold you to that,” Jeff warned.

He put a hand on your stomach just in time to feel a tiny little kick. She wasn’t kicking with much force yet, but she was kicking. Jeff still couldn’t believe he was having a daughter. He declared that it was the only good thing to come out of the trip to the hospital. He got to see his baby for the first time, all ten fingers and toes. Got to see her little face, and point out the fact that she already looked so much like you. He didn’t know he could love something so much, without even having met her yet. But she was his, and she was yours. A perfect combination of the two of you, even if she wasn’t planned. She was still loved.

The coming days and weeks blurred together. You weren’t able to go anywhere. You did a lot of online shopping so you’d be able to put together a little nursery. Jeff had a spare bedroom that you’d use. Both of you decided not long after your trip to the hospital that you should stay there. Besides, home was always where Jeff was. Your little apartment was just a place you ran to, because you didn’t feel like you had a home anymore. You had more than a home now though. 

Jason came by a lot. He was finally able to meet Jeff, making Jeff realize Jason was really like a brother to you these days. Jason stayed a lot when Jeff was gone for games. He kept you company and called you at least everyday. He helped out a lot more than you ever expected him to. But he made you promise you’d grant him the title of Uncle Jase when the time came.

The news of the baby took both of your families by surprise. They didn’t know you two were still close. It nearly made you laugh when your parents went silent before your mom started screaming. Jeff’s family was a little more laid back, but even you could tell they were holding back. The sight of you and Jeff holding onto one another while showing them the pictures from the ultrasounds was too much for both sets of parents. Because the two of you were finally getting your happy ending. 

“What about Caroline?” Jeff questioned as the two of you sat trying to figure out a name. 

“Caroline? I thought you wanted a family name?” 

“I think that name is more important.”

“How so?” Confusion took over you. 

“For Carolina. We wouldn’t have met if I hadn’t been drafted by the Canes,” He clarified, “Or if you hadn’t gone to NC State.”

“Technically we met because you, Mr. Hotshot Rookie, showed up to the State Hockey House,” You laughed, “I was half drunk, but there you were with rosey cheeks and goofy smile.”

He laughed, “We played beer pong together, right?”

“You lost the game, and I threw up in the bushes.”

His laugh was loud as he recalled those events, “Ah college and the early years.”

You smiled and kissed his neck. Your little girl was kicking up a storm under Jeff’s hand. Her little movements followed wherever he moved, either with a foot or a hand. He’d play the game with her for hours, until she seemed to fall asleep. He’d poke where a foot was and she’d kick back. You already learned she seemed to like hockey, as she became more active when you watched it. Or maybe it was because you got more excited. 

Jeff would come home and give you both details about the game, his head was always by your belly so she could hear him better. Nights like that made you want to cry. There was a whole new world that the two of you were about to enter into and you couldn’t wait. You wanted to be able to hold the little girl you’d once been so afraid of. 

“She’s kicking a lot tonight,” Jeff whispered. 

“She likes it when you’re here. A daddy’s girl already,” You told him. 

“She’s already taken my heart, just like her mama,” He replied, “I love you, Y/N.”

“I love you too, Twirly Bird.”

Your daughter was born shortly after that night. A few weeks early, but she decided she just didn’t want to wait anymore. You and Jeff loved her from the moment her cries broke through the room. You named her Caroline afterall, agreeing that it was the perfect name. You and Jeff were married not long after. The wedding was small, nothing big. A year after Caroline was born, the three of you moved into a spacious house, big enough for more children. 

It didn’t take you long to realize you wanted more. You didn’t want it to just be Caroline. There was a large yard, big enough for a swingset and plenty of room for her to play when she was old enough. Her little feet padded on the hardwood floors all the time, constantly chasing after the dogs. 

But the best thing about the house, besides the fact that it was where your family was going to grow? The fact that you finally had a white picket fence with Jeff. After all of the bumps in the road, and the number of times you walked out on each other. You finally had the life that you never thought you wanted. But it turned out to be the life you didn’t know you needed.

[life-rewritten]

TharnType 7 Years: A flashback to the past and A foreshadow of the future aka The truth of TharnType and LeoFiat ;Episode 6

Guess what another Tharn and Type analysis, another repetition of the duality, mirroring, shadowing of Tharn and Type (TT) and Leo and Fiat, but this time it's even more complicated, and every time I analyse these two it gets even more complicated and painful. I'm going to try and write out a full analysis of why Leo and Fiat (LF) are more complicated when you try to compare them to TT. Fiat reminds us of Type in season 1; he's stubborn, immature and problematic and Leo reminds us of Tharn just by longing secretly for Fiat and always putting Fiat's well being first, but that's only on the surface. Leo and Fiat have even more depth than those comparisons, there are times where Fiat is actually more like Tharn and Leo is more frustrating as Type. Confused? Let's go into more detail.  Also JUST realised that it’s both episode 6 of season 1 and season 2 that are mirrored this way. That’s incredible. 

What I like Mame and her writing for shows is that she loves making sure you go through a journey with her characters. Her villains usually are not just one-dimensional irrational villains, they have depth, in fact, most of the time they have their own love interest later, sometimes we root for them (like Tin from Love By Chance Season 1, and Tul from a chance to love), sometimes we feel upset and angry and frustrated at the actions they do. It's no surprise in a show as explosive as TT we get Fiat, someone who is also very polarising. But you know what? I love that about him. I didn't think this series will make me fall for another couple as much as I love TT, but no I am obsessed with Leo and Fiat, their dynamic, their requited longing that they both don't see and think it's unrequited from their point of views, their love for each other and what they mean to each other. 

You can find my previous Tharn and Type posts about how this season is about Misunderstandings, Misreading and Miscommunications from two different perspectives, our couples all have something to overcome since they don't see each other's views, and Leo and Fiat are the same. The most important thing they don't know about each other is how much, how great, how uncontrollably they are with their love for each other. Leo is refusing to show it, and Fiat is more reactive and preventive to it. Both are idiots who can't see something so obvious, but hey that's what makes this trope even more angsty and dramatic, both couples go through drama, pain and we the audience join the ride. And it's funny people complain that this show has no angst as the past season. Still, Leo and Fiat literally are the plotline of the past season, just as angsty, just as passionate (despite no s*x) and just as dramatic and idiotic. 

 What I love about TT and LF as a couple is that they both are flawed. It's funny because other people always focus on just one of the couples as the most problematic, but no, they are always both all in need of growth and change. Shocking right? It seems like we should feel sorry for Leo, and hate and complain about Fiat's personality, but actually, Leo is just as problematic as Fiat, he's also been a source of hurt to Fiat for so long. The same way in season 1, Type was to Tharn, and Tharn was to Type at the beginning when he didn't know what Type went through. The beautiful thing is seeing how love changes these characters, how needing each other makes them finally become who they're meant to be and how they finally get to their end; confident, happy and satisfied. And we the audience are part of this, we end up crying, and never wanting to let go of the show.  Let me show you how:

Tharn Type and Pufai vs Leo Fiat and Type dilemma

Ah yes, I'm sure you've seen the similarities and mirroring to Leo and Fiat with Tharn and Type in season 1 episode 4-7. The introduction of Pufai caused a massive problem for Tharn and Type and almost caused them to end everything. One because it was the most hurtful Type was to Tharn, and two because it was the only time Tharn almost gave up on Type. It's so interesting when you look at what was happening at that time, and then when you look at Fiat and Leo, you see the similarities on a different level. Let me explain;

When Pufai shows up Tharn and Type are unofficial, they call themselves s*x friends, Type ensures Tharn that they're not in a relationship and he shouldn't overstep the line with it. Tharn as always is more believing that he can make Type agree to be his, and everything seems great at that time. Except then Pufai shows up, she's interested in Type and is precisely what he thinks is his type, he also is enjoying getting to know her, and he finds himself intrigued by her flirting with him. Type does not see any problem (though there's guilt) to flirting with Pufai because he's not dating Tharn, they're not official, they are just friends with benefits. Type keeps it a secret; he's seeing Pufai, but Tharn finds out and loses his cool, how could Type do this? Isn't he his? This leads Type to emphasise on the unofficiality of their relationship with a list of rules, they were never meant to be anything. Tharn is accepting of this at first because it's the only way he can stay with Type however the more Type gets close to Pufai, mostly planning to sleep and ask her to be his girlfriend, the more his heart shatters. Tharn proceeds to break down and cry about the futile love he has for Type. He has to move on, but he doesn't know how. Except, Type realises that if there are people like Pufai in his life, there'd be others for Tharn, he doesn't like that; Tharn is his, and so from here we see Type apologise, and TT become official to each other. Their relationship is now deemed unbreakable, no one else is allowed to break it, they've chosen each other as their person. You may be wondering why I have just repeated this whole storyline, but it's crucial, now read through this summary of Leo and Fiat and try and find out why:

Leo and Fiat are friends, but not really. They've been close to each other for 10 years. I say not really because everyone even we can tell there's more to them. Fiat is always trying to cross the line with their friendship; he ensures Leo knows he wants him to flirt and notice him. Leo ignores this and thinks Fiat is fickle and not serious. Fiat then proceeds to sleep with others, and flirt with others to take his attention from that. But each time that happens, he gets bored and returns back to Leo flirting and asking for his attention like a child. Leo is comfortable with this, as long as he's Fiat's main focus, as long as he's able to keep Fiat by his side, then what they have is excellent. Except Type shows up, he's Fiat's type, he's intrigued in getting to know him, and Type pays attention to Fiat more than others do, for Fiat, they have a connection, something feels warm and safe with Type, and wow he wants to pursue what he has with Type. Pause before episode 4 Fiat didn't know Type wasn't single, he just chose to be serious with Type before that, he fell for Type before that.

Leo is uncomfortable; this doesn't sit right for some reason, Type is actually important to Fiat and Fiat is not paying attention to him. Leo tells Fiat, Type is dating, Fiat brushes it off and says he still wants Type. Leo explodes, and Fiat ends up broken-hearted and hurt that Leo would kick him out. More shockingly, he unveils that the reason he's desperate to be with someone like Type is because; Surprise! Leo, and yet Leo isn't thinking about how he feels. Shocker. Leo returns and apologises and takes Fiat inside but now we the audience are confused? What does he mean by that? Why is liking Type for Leo? Why is Fiat so problematic, and why is Leo and Fiat's dynamic confusing? 

Did you see the similarities?  Let's look at it differently. Let's give roles to Fiat and Leo as TT, who is more like Tharn in the Pufai arc and who is more like Type? 

On the Surface and Personalities.

Obviously, the first thing you look at is the designated Uke and Seme role. Who in this story on the surface so far is longing for the other, and who is acting like what they have doesn't matter and is problematic. Well, Leo is acting more like Tharn then. He's longing secretly and hurt because of Fiat's actions with other people, just as Tharn did with Pufai and Type, he's the one showing jealousy and fear of being left. He's not okay with the shift in their unofficial relationship and seems like he wants more. Like Tharn he looks perfect, protective and romantic than Fiat. He seems devoted and loyal like Tharn is to Type. And he's the seme just like Tharn. So he must be mirroring Tharn, right?

And we have Fiat like Type his eyes wander, he's the one who's treating what he and Leo have as nothing, he's problematic and loud and stubborn and childish just like Type was in the arc. Type shouted, was rude, and even punched Tharn remember? He proceeded to keep being nonchalant towards Tharn's feelings because Tharn wasn't the one for him. After all, he was homophobic. Fiat is not homophobic, but he's spoilt, childish and selfish, he's an attention seeker, so he acts like a brat to get attention. When he has the attention, he takes people for granted, and he does things that are problematic for example he doesn't think it's wrong to stop wanting Type after finding out he's not single. Fiat is like because I want it I must have it. And Type was similar; not the same way (trying to ruin a relationship) but he was selfish and cruel to Tharn because he refused to acknowledge what Tharn wanted, he could tell it was killing Tharn, but he proceeded because it didn't mean anything or he was trying to convince himself that it didn't mean anything, he was just as bratty and childish as Fiat was when questioned about his choices. So yeh he's mirroring Type in this situation right? 

Except still looking on the surface, mind you; let's look at the mindsets and psychological past of the characters and see who mirrors who here. Bare with me, let me explain. 

On Background and Mindsets

Let's look at the background: Tharn is used to getting what he wants, that's why when Type continues to reject him he keeps holding out hope it'll happen, he also is rich, spoilt and manipulative but in a more sneaky way. He knows how to guilt Type into feeling sorry, and he convinced Type to continue what they have. When he realises things aren't going his way, he mopes, rejects it but then goes back to Type until he can't take it anymore. I also want you to notice who ends up crying and heartbroken in this arc it's Tharn this is important for later. 

 Tharn also felt unlovable and always was seeking for someone to pay attention and stay by his side; he's the middle child who ended up having to grow quicker and be a tiny bit neglected, he also had his heartbroken from the previous relationships; he's always felt left behind, neglected and not taken seriously. Who does that remind you of? Fiat. 

Although Tharn's family loved him, so he still ended up okay. Fiat is a worse version of Tharn; in this case, he was just as neglected but even graver because his parents paid no attention to him and only gave him material things (hence why he's spoilt and selfish), he realised that acting like a baby got him attention and what he wants;  that's why he's manipulative. He also felt not taken seriously by people, like people didn't get him. Even the person he cared about; Leo, who he was confident was someone he can rely on also made him feel neglected (because he kept ignoring his feelings). Fiat knows how to act like a baby to get Leo to bend to his will, but just like Tharn with Type in the Pufai arc, he doesn't think it's because Leo is 100 % devoted to him. It's also Fiat who ends up crying broken-hearted during this episode. I'll explain later. 

Type is different, his mindset is shaped by his past. He doesn't think what he and Tharn could be is right, he's homophobic and determined to keep what they have unofficial. He doesn't want to cross the line, he keeps on pushing away Tharn's feelings refusing to deal with it seriously, and this is why he gets fixated on Pufai. He's desperate to avoid what he feels for Tharn, and he's desperate to keep his walls up no matter what because he's afraid to be hurt. It makes sense. As much as people don't yet see this, same as Leo. Type is protective of his heart, himself and his environment, Leo is the same, he doesn't think crossing the line with Fiat is right not because he's homophobic but because he thinks Fiat's feelings are fickle and not real; he keeps refusing to see that Fiat wants him because he's afraid showing Fiat feelings will make him bored and move on, and ruin their friendship. He's desperate to keep pretence that what they have is friendship, is defensive when people joke about him and Fiat and is repeatedly ignoring anytime Fiat tries to make a move. It's frustrating, and each time he does it, Fiat gets hurt even more. 

This is why he's on the stairs crying wondering if Leo ever actually thinks about how he feels in their situation. It's the same way Tharn thought about Type. Leo is determined to not seem vulnerable, in love or weak, he even pretends his selfless actions to Fiat has no meaning even when Fiat prods him for answers he refuses to tell him why he does all the things he does, he claims its because he wants to, he has to because Fiat is crazy, but we all know it's because of three simple words, he loves him. And Fiat has guessed and questioned that just as Tharn assumed that Type also loved him but wasn't ready to show it. Tharn stayed loyal and patient with Type until Pufai entered the picture. Fiat is the same, when Type shows up (a difference because Pufai was for Type) he's desperate to change his loyalties so he can stay by Leo's side without hurting and giving up, on them. 

Basically, Fiat is doing what Tharn would have done if Type had not returned to him during Pufai arc, he would have started looking for someone else to take the pain away from not having Type. And Leo is like Type when Type realises he can't keep things unofficial because it means; others like Pufai could come to Tharn, he doesn't like that, and he proceeds to cross the line with Tharn. Leo is becoming that way, the way Fiat wants Type is starting to no longer be a meaningless thing he can avoid, he's beginning to realise that their unofficial status, he so desperately tried to keep has no hold or control over this situation, he's still learning, but soon he'll realise being vulnerable is the only way to remedy this, but he might be too late. 

So on the surface, you see how these two mirror each other? Let's look at this even more further. The unofficial list that Type sent Tharn is the same as the determination to keep things unofficial Leo has with Fiat. It's more unspoken, but it's the same rules without the sleeping together aspect. Leo is okay with Fiat being with others as long as they're not interfering with what he and Fiat have.  Leo is okay with them cuddling and being close and doing things for each other but never crossing that line.  Leo has the role as Fiat's person to everyone, he's the protector, most intimate relationship and the designated 'boyfriend' role to Fiat as long as no one tries and label it. Leo is okay with certain rules and understandings about what he and Fiat have, like rules, and as long as Fiat and others don't try and label it, it shouldn't be an issue. It's the same way as Type. 

Duality and Differences of Opinion

The difference here is Leo isn't chasing after someone else, he's not the one with the Pufai. Fiat is. Leo isn't being cruel to Fiat by proceeding to find someone else the way Type does, but he's still doing the same thing Type does to Tharn with or without another person. He's still invalidating Fiat's feelings, he's still preventing the line from being crossed no matter how much Fiat tries, he's still defensive when it comes to others seeing them as more than friends, and he's adamant that what Fiat is saying he's feeling is not right, it's just Fiat being Fiat, and it's not going to last, it's the same way Type thought about Tharn's feelings.  

Fiat may be the one who seems like the one invalidating the relationship, but it's actually more complicated than that. In Leo's perspective, he's Tharn; he's the one with the unrequited love, the one with the person who doesn't take his feelings seriously, who sleeps with others cruelly without taking account his feelings, the person he's had to stay loyal and patient with because he's devoted to him entirely.

 In Fiat's perspective? He's Tharn, he's the one who's been trying years to cross that line with Leo, he's the one who has been waiting for Leo to take him seriously, he's the one who has to try and search for others to ensure that he's distracted by his rejected feelings so he can keep being by Leo's side, he's desperately searching for someone else like Leo, so he doesn't keep hurting secretly by his invalidation of what they have. For Fiat, he's the one who's loyal, patient and devoted to Leo ultimately; everyone can see it, he even lets Leo know how he feels.  But also it's the reason why he keeps on acting spoilt and bratty; it's all for Leo's attention and love. It's the only time Leo shows him affection. Everything Fiat does is for Leo. He wasn't being dramatic when he said it in this episode. So why is he falling for Type then?  What's the deal with Type then? 

The importance of Pufai

To understand why Fiat wants Type. You have to again return back to the surface similarities he has with Type in season 1. You have to look at why Type decided to give a relationship with Pufai a go despite knowing he had Tharn. The reasons why Type wanted Pufai:

She was right for him

She was his type 

She intrigued him

He liked talking and being with her

Let's break this down and compare it to Fiat then:

The right person for him

Type thought Pufai was right for him. One she was a girl, and he was finally relieved he found a girl he liked, someone who was just as into him, as confident and flirty as him, and he wanted that about her. She also showed him she had similarities to him, she mentioned the type of food he liked and found they had a lot in common. She was an ideal girlfriend. For Fiat, Type is not right for him because of the same reasons, but because he found someone who was just like him. Remember Fiat reminded Type of a younger him; Type was inspirational to Fiat, he also was someone who paid attention to him and showed him care and nurture when others didn't understand him. Type showed him the same kind of patience Leo showed him, but he also called Fiat out, and Fiat liked that. He could tell he and Type were similar, and it made him feel safe and happy when he was with Type. Type also was the person who was helping him deal with the fact that he couldn't play basketball, he was involved in the process of healing and assisting Fiat to become stronger to return to his passion. Fiat found that as another reason for why Type was right for him. Finally, there was someone else other than Leo who made him feel comfortable, happy and was determined to help him get to his passion. Type replaced the empty space Leo left when he went to Italy. Fiat embraced that and became obsessed with it. 

His Type 

In case it's not apparent his type are people who aren't afraid to call him out. People who make him calm down. Remember Fiat liked that Leo was able to be someone who helped deal with his emotional crisis, someone who was able to keep him in control, he trusted and appreciated who he was with Leo. Type reminded him of Leo, just like Leo paid attention but also made sure to scold Fiat whenever he took things too far;Type did the same, Type managed to tame Fiat by just speaking to him and calling him out on why he was throwing tantrums. Type is also good looking, and mature (same as Leo) and calm. We know he isn't generally like this, but this is how he appears in front of Fiat, and Fiat likes that about him. Plus Type is a quest. Or started off as a quest. Type had his walls up remember to Fiat? He was confused why he wasn't giving in to his manipulations, or his charm like others will. The other person who had walls up and didn't give into Fiat's charm was you guessed it, Leo. So Type is a similar copy of Leo to Fiat, someone who makes him excited, giddy, but also someone he can't win over easily. The idea of the chase also ensures that for the first time, he won't be easily bored, he'd always be distracted if he chooses to chase after Type. 

Intrigue and Needs

It's that chase that kept Fiat intrigued and wanting to know more about Type. For Type Pufai fascinated him because she did not shy away from him, she flirted and was direct to him. Also, she intrigued him because at that moment, he was dealing with intense internalised homophobia and confused feelings. He was starting to be scared of falling for Tharn, for the way he was feeling for Tharn and how it was beginning to consume him despite his need to try and ignore it. 

Fiat is the same. Fiat was falling for a futile relationship. Not falling; was already addicted and attached to the idea of a hopeless relationship that was hurting him. He was realising how much it was becoming a problem for him to be without Leo; it was killing him, and if you watch episode 2 again you can see how much Leo's absence was breaking him. He was realising he had to do something otherwise he would be forever stuck in this cycle. It would ruin the friendship he had with Leo. 

Type was intriguing because he was the first person in so long that Fiat wasn't bored of, he was the first person that made Fiat want to do something, to forget Leo, the first person who distracted Fiat from his ache. So Type was like a cure he needed desperately, he needed someone to keep him in denial, to make him forget about the issue with the unofficiality with Leo, to make him stop resenting the fact that his feelings were invalidated. Type did that. It doesn't matter if Type has a boyfriend (the more the chase becomes intriguing for him) because Type is the first person he feels this way for. It has to be Type he chases after, it has to be Type who he ends up with because if not; his choice is to stay stuck in this painful cycle with Leo. 

That's why he tells Leo it has to be Type, that's why he breaks down when Leo tells him it can't be because he was now sure he wasn't going to be able to keep being quiet and patient about what he had with Leo. The same realisation Tharn had in the bar with Type and Pufai, it had to end. But for both Fiat and Tharn, the idea of losing their person was a damaging thought, they didn't know how to cope with. Hence Fiat was desperate to find a solution for him; it was Type.

Talking and Being with him

That's another thing Type found out with Pufai, he liked replying to her texts, their flirtations made him smile, and he enjoyed speaking to her despite being in love with Tharn. Fiat is the same, he smiles just at the thought of seeing or talking to Type. He likes learning, and seeing that Type is a good person. He enjoyed observing Type, and how he acted, but also he liked the conversations they had, their discussions were deep even if people don't want to acknowledge it. Type's first conversation with Fiat was about how he understood what he was feeling and how he knew why he was acting the way he was. It was vulnerable, it was inspiring it was deep, not surface level. And Type also opened up to Fiat this episode, about his stress, burdens and others. 

Their conversations are actually interesting and important, and they both help the other feel better. It's why Type is okay with showing Fiat attention (despite how he acted when he was angry and stressed) he sees Fiat like a little brother, a version of his old self. And Fiat sees Type as a role model, someone to look up to and learn from and be with. That's why he liked talking to him. But Leo is the person who Fiat loves the most to discuss with, to be with and to stay with. But when Leo can't be an option, Type is a perfect replacement, distraction and copy. 

How Pufai affected TT

Tharn: He broke down and tried to accept it, but he was broken-hearted. Similar to Fiat breaking down at the Futility of what he and Leo have. He realised like Tharn there was no way to get over Leo if it's not Type. Hence his determination that it must be Type even if he has kids or a boyfriend.

Type: She made him think others could do the same to Tharn. If he got with her; Tharn would be free to sleep around and find someone else. This is why he runs back; meanwhile, Leo is also finding this out slowly the more Fiat falls for Type. If he doesn't show ownership of Fiat, then he's free to do what he wants.  Leo knows that, and he's afraid because he also can see that Type isn't like others to Fiat, Type is a replacement for him. That's what he was angrier about; not Fiat saying Type had a boyfriend, but he'll still chase him, he was mad because this was more serious for Fiat than he wanted it to be.

 That's the difference with TT and LF. Type realised that Tharn was the one once he couldn't sleep with Pufai, once he realised what he wanted was Tharn. Leo knows what he wants but refuses to let himself be vulnerable, refuses to try and cross that line and keeps finding excuses why he and Fiat are friends. Fiat is like Tharn; patient, sulky and devoted, but he's also different to Tharn because he had a different environment with family. Fiat is what Tharn did before Type if you remember:  he slept around with people desperate to find the one and be loved. Unfortunately, he got bored, left and hurt each time he returned back to his situation and the permanent realisation that Leo was his person. It was futile he wouldn't be able to get over him. Tharn at that moment had given up on the idea of finding love, so seeing Type, he was determined to make it real no matter what. Same as Fiat just not the same way, for Leo he was determined to make it stay the same no matter what so he was determined to find someone else no matter what.  If Fiat didn't try to find a way to move on from Leo, he would end up being Long in season 1, he'd be angry and upset and manipulative and determined to ruin whoever tried to be with Leo. But the reason why he tried to move on was that he didn't want to be resentful of Leo, he tried to find a way to stay by his side without breaking each time he did. That's why he's determined it must be Type. 

Oh wow. The way I'm obsessed with these two couples dynamic, the way I live every Friday to see more, to uncover more, to know more about them. I live for this trope. I keep repeating it. But it makes me appreciate Mame's genius so much, I know it's forbidden to praise her as a writer. Still, when it comes to TT, Mame is a gift, she's incredible. She ensures that her characters are written with so much depth, and intrigue, their love is so deep it transcends everything, it makes everyone lose their minds, it makes everyone want to keep on watching and obsessing over the stories when she reveals the truth. Fiat and Leo are her reveals and plot twist this season. They're incredible. I hope people see why I love this show so much. I hope it stays this way until the end. 

More Tharn Type Analysis: Masterpost Check under Tharn and Type Here

[ambssssssssss]

Deanoru + Fake Dating

Prompt fill requested by anon

~/~

It’s a terrible plan. Possibly the worst plan Karolina has ever come up with, even worse than the time she snuck a bottle of vodka from a party and almost fell off the roof because she was sure she could fly. Worse than agreeing to go on one date with Vaughn so she could explain to him that she was very much a lesbian. The only thing that could possibly make this any worse was Nico agreeing to go along with this plan. 

Which she did. She didn’t even hesitate. 

“Wait, really?” Karolina was staring at the shorter girl, dumbfounded. 

“Of course,” Nico shrugged one dark clad shoulder like it was no big deal for her to save Karolina’s skin by doing this massive favor. “You’re my best friend, Karrie. I’d do anything for you.” 

“I know that, I guess I just thought ‘pretending to date me so my mom will quit trying to set me up’ wasn’t one of those things.” Karolina felt her lips pull into a smile as Nico laughed. 

“Well, you couldn’t exactly say that you’re dating Molly, she’s too young, or Gert since you don’t have enough time with her. You and me together is at least plausible if not possible,” Nico explained this, as she did everything else, in a completely rational manner that somehow made this horrible idea sound good. “So what do we need to do?” 

“There’s a retreat, next weekend. Gib stuff mostly but only in the mornings and evenings. We’ll have the rest of the time to do whatever we want,” Karolina made a conscious effort to keep her hands as still as possible as she explained. “We leave Friday morning and we’ll be back Sunday afternoon. All expenses paid.” 

“A spa weekend,” Nico said thoughtfully. Karolina felt herself nodding. 

“For you anyway,” Karolina suddenly realized that she’d been standing up the entire time she’d been in Nico’s room and that that was unusual for her so she plopped down on the bed beside Nico, laying back so she wouldn’t have to look at Nico’s face while she spoke. “As a non-believer, you’ll only have to come to the morning services which is mostly just yoga and a prayer anyway.” 

“And what about the times out of service?” Nico asked as she laid back as well. 

“We can do whatever we want, swim, eat, sleep, as long as we stay on the grounds of the place we’re staying at.” Still keeping her eyes firmly on the ceiling, Karolina continued, “it’s okay if you don’t want to come.”

“Well, I’d be a crappy girlfriend if I didn’t,” Nico laughed. “Especially since you already told your mom that we’re together and that I’m going.” 

“Yeah, well, something could come up last minute. Maybe Amy will come down for the weekend.” 

“Like Amy would ever leave Stanford. She didn’t even come home for Christmas,” Nico rolled her eyes. “It’s alright, Karrie. I don’t mind going. Besides, we haven’t had a weekend for just the two of us in a while. It’ll be fun.” 

“Even the pretending to be my girlfriend part?” Karolina risked a glance at Nico and caught her expression. She looked forlorn and excited at the same time, like her heart was breaking at the same time that it healed. 

“Yes, even that. You’re a catch. Tall, gorgeous, fun, I’d be lucky to have a girl like you.” Uncharacteristically, Nico blushed. “So what would this include anyway? Hand holding? Hugging?” 

Karolina nodded, “A few kisses on the cheek, and we’ll be sharing a room. One bed.” 

“Oh no, I have to share with a personal space heater, how will I ever cope?” Nico laughed as Karolina nudged her. “That’s not anything we haven’t done before. We’ll just play it up a little. What could go wrong?” 

Karolina forced herself not to think of all the things that could go wrong, especially Karolina’s very much not imaginary desire to date Nico for real being exposed and losing Nico as a friend forever. 

~/~

Leslia Dean looked almost surprised when Nico turned up Friday morning to load in the Gibb van with Karolina, wearing a white top with black pants instead of all black like she normally does. 

“Nico, how lovely of you to join us,” Leslie said as she gave the girl a brief hug. 

“Thank you for letting me come along,” Nico said politely, looking around for Karolina. 

“She’s over with Vaughn helping some older congregation members load up,” Leslie gestured over Nico’s shoulder and she turned to see Karolina and Vaughn offering kind smiles at the people dressed in white as they spoke to one another with teasing grins. Jealousy rose in Nico’s stomach at the sight but she stamped it down. Now was not the time to be jealous of her fake girlfriend’s real friend. “I’m sure she’d be happy to have you join her.” 

“I’ll do that. We’ll be riding in here?” Nico gestured to the van they stood beside. 

“Karolina’s bags are already in, I’m sure you know what they look like.” 

Nico nodded and leaned in to place her own bag next to Karolina’s on the back row of the van before nodding at Leslie and walking over to Karolina and Vaughn. 

“Nico,” Karolina called as she approached, smiling brightly. “I’m so glad you came.” 

“I promised I would,” Nico said, relaxing easily into the hug Karolina moved over to give her. Karolina left her arm wrapped around Nico’s shoulders when they parted so Nico left her’s around Karolina’s waist. 

“Vaughn, you remember my girlfriend Nico?” 

“I believe she was just a friend the last time we met,” Vaughn looked at the two of them curiously. “It is nice to see you again.” 

“You too,” Nico offered him a smile that she hoped seemed genuine. “And don’t worry about it, this is still fairly new to all of us.” 

“Right,” Nico had the feeling that Vaughn didn’t exactly believe them. “Well, we’re just about done here. I’ll let the two of you finish up.” Vaughn left without another word but did offer them a friendly wave. 

“It’s not too late to back out,” Karolina said, her nose bumping against Nico’s forehead. 

“Sorry Karrie, but you’re stuck with me,” Nico unconsciously squeezed Karolina around the waist and, on impulse, leaned up to kiss her cheek. “Let’s get to the van so we can pretend like we’re asleep and won’t have to talk to your mom.” 

Karolina laughed and led Nico back to their van, her cheeks tinged pink. 

The drive to the resort passed fairly quickly, Nico leaning her head against Karolina’s shoulder while they shared a pair of headphones, and soon enough they were hauling their bags up to the room they’d be sharing until Sunday morning. 

“Oh wow,” Nico’s voice was muffled by the pillows where she had planted herself on the bed. “This bed makes the whole trip worth it.” 

“Whatever you say,” Karolina said even as she climbed into the bed with Nico and laid beside her. Without thought, Nico drifted closer to her just as she always did when they cuddled up together. Karolina suddenly found herself laying on her side with Nico tucked into her chest. “Wanna take a nape before dinner?” 

Nico was already so close to sleep that she almost didn’t feel the way Karolina kissed her hair and held her just a little bit tighter than normal. Almost. 

~/~

The Saturday at the resort passed in a peaceful haze. Karolina and Nico were constantly together, linked at the hands or sharing the same lounge seat out by the pool. Nico didn’t even try to bother hiding her adoring looks at Karolina, telling herself that she was simply playing it up for the constant audience she and Karolina had in the form of Vaughn and Leslie. 

It wasn’t until Vaughn made a comment later, when Karolina had exited the pool, bent down slightly to kiss Nico’s temple and squeeze her hand and then scampered off to get drinks for both of them, that Nico realized how much she hadn’t been playing it up. 

“I almost didn’t believe it when I saw you two yesterday,” Vaughn said from his seat beside the one Nico and Karolina had been sharing on and off all day. “I knew you two were friends of course, but I didn’t see you being together like this. I’m happy I was wrong.” 

“What do you mean?” Nico asked curiously. 

“Karolina, she’s so much lighter around you. Brighter too, it’s like you light up something deep in her soul. And of course I don’t know you as well as I know her, but you seem different too. Like you can breathe a little easier when she’s beside you,” Vaughn shrugged slightly, bashful. “You can’t fake a love like that.” 

He was right, of course. Nico couldn’t fake the way she felt about Karolina. She’d never been faking, but she wasn’t ever sure if Karolina would return those feelings. Just because they both liked girls didn’t mean they both like each other. And maybe it was reckless and stupid of her to do, maybe it would destory everything when they got back home Sunday afternoon but Nico couldn’t let this opportunity pass. When Karolina returned to hand Nico her drink, Nico caught her wrist and gently pulled until Karolina leaned down so their faces were on the same level. Doing her best to make the action look as natural as possible, Nico placed a hand on Karolina’s swimsuit covered hip and pressed their lips together. 

Karolina made a small noise of surprise against her lips but there was no hesitance as she kissed her back. Vaughn made cooing sounds from beside them. Nico felt like she could fly, like she could live in that moment forever and never grow tired of it. 

“I’ll have to get you drinks more often if that’s the thanks I get,” Karolina teased when they parted. Nico rolled her eyes but settled easily into the curve of Karolina’s side as they lounged together, hoping the redness of her cheeks wouldn’t look like anything but a sunburn. 

~/~

“So, should we talk about what happened at the pool?” Karolina asked later that night, after the evening service which Nico had skipped in favor of having an existential crisis in their room. 

“If you want to,” Nico threw the towel she’d been using to dry her hair back into the bathroom and crawled into the bed, staying firmly on her own side. “I’m sorry if I overstepped.” 

“No,” Karolina’s answer came quicker than either of them expected. She cleared her throat. “I mean, no, I didn’t mind. I liked it, probably a little too much.” Karolina was sitting cross-legged on the bed, her gazing flickering between the covers on the bed and Nico’s face, lingering on her lips. “I just don’t want you to think you have to do that, y’know? My mom believes it, so does everyone else who’s told me how cute we look together. You don’t have to kiss me for show.” 

“I didn’t kiss you for show,” Nico admitted softly, so softly that for a moment Karolina wasn’t sure she’d heard her correctly. “I kissed you because I’ve wanted to do that since we were fifteen and I wasn’t sure I’d ever get another chance after this retreat.” 

“You’ve wanted that since we were fifteen?” Karolina was smiling, slow and teasing like Nico had just revealed a precious treasure. “I could’ve been kissing you for three years?” 

“It probably started before that but that’s the first time I remember wanting to-wait. You too?” Nico sat up in bed, dark eyes wide at the implications of Karolina’s words. “Why didn’t you say anything?” 

“I wasn’t sure if you felt the same! And I didn’t want to jeopardize our friendship if you didn’t feel the same. You’re my favorite person in the world Nico. I’d rather have you in my life as a friend than as not in my life at all.” Karolina was smiling again as she leaned forward slightly. “Why didn’t you say anything?” 

“At first, because I didn’t want to believe it. Compulsive heterosexuality and all that bullshit,” both girls cringed at the memory of Nico’s short lived relationship with Alex. “And then because I was scared to lose you.”

“We’re quite the pair, aren’t we?” Karolina shook her head ruefully. “You didn’t say anything because you didn’t want to lose me, I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to lose you and the only thing we did lose is time that we could have spent together.” 

“Hindsight,” Nico shrugged. They shared a laugh and then fell silent again. “What do we do now that we’ve realized we’re both idiots?” 

“I say we make up for lost time,” Karolina leaned closer, slipping her fingers through Nico’s wet hair. “Afterall, we have three years worth of kisses to make up for.” 

Nico couldn’t think of a better idea and leaned in the rest of the way to kiss Karolina for the second time, slower, deeper than before. 

~/~

In the morning, they walked out of their room hand in hand, smiling contentedly, with plans to go out to dinner as soon as they returned home. 

It was time for a fake relationship to become real. 

(Finally)  

[3centsofbutter]

Stupid - Tsukishima Kei

Tsukishima x reader

Brief note: This is my first ever shot at writing romance. I wanted to keep Tsuki pretty in character which was hard to do. Not as much fluff as you would have wished for but I tried :P. Constructive criticism very welcome.

~~~

“I hate you, you know that right?”

*ping*

“Don’t you have anything else better to do?”

You let out a sigh and roll over in your bed. You were buried deep inside your covers rolled into a strategically thought out position for optimal comfort and warmth. It was only 9 o clock but freezing winters and a broken thermostat left very few options.

“I think you know me better than that to know I never have anything to do.”

Your relationship with Tsukishima was complicated, well it wasn’t really, but it always seemed like it did. You had both been friends for well over three years but almost exclusively talked online. You hung out often, but only with Yamaguchi bridging the gap for conversation. You knew every single thing about each other but somehow the absence of a screen was a whole new level of awkward. Though there was one thing that he didn’t know of, the very very slight feelings you had for him.

“Yeah forgot about that, potty princess”

You scrunched your nose at the nickname. He would never let you live that down. You slapped your cheeks trying to rid yourself of embarrassment.

You thought that you could never commit yourself fully to give in to your feelings, there were boundaries you didn’t want to overstep. He only saw you as a sister, one of the bros, nothing more. He knew too much to like you that way anyway. Alongside that, he sure made it hard for you to like him sometimes.

“I have nothing to look forward to this weekend it’s gonna be lame as”

You turned off your screen and shuffled deeper into your covers. You were so hungry.

*ping*

“Let’s go for lunch Saturday then, my treat”

Your face once again blinded by the phone screen squinted at the messages. Your thumbs furiously attack the screen, writing up a quick response. He never made plans or offered to buy food, it was so unlike him to even agree to social outings. Though you definitely weren’t going to give up this golden opportunity.

“Should I message Yamaguchi?”

…

“No, just us”

You read that message once, twice, five more times before you fully registered what was going on. Your heart was doing somersaults and your fingers had never been this numb. Straight panic flooded through your veins. Your mind was racing at a million miles per hour. Was he trying to rile you up? Sounds like him, he never passed an opportunity to see you flustered. Two cold play at this game. You spent a solid minute trying to wrangle your shaky thumbs to write a coherent sentence.

“Is this a date?”

You read over your message and regret instantly washed over you. Shit shit shit you really ruined it this time. There was no turning back, he had already read the message.

“Well, I want it to be”

Your heart stopped. It was as if someone had broken the padlock to the floodgate of emotions that were filling your whole body. Suppressed emotions began to flood your mind as you repeatedly re-read that one stupid sentence. His stupid honey eyes, stupid golden hair, his dumb lazy smirk. Just the thought of his voice was sending shivers down your back. Every little thing that he had ever done raced through your mind as you desperately tried to piece together what events had led you up to this exact moment. He liked you. Like, liked liked you.

“You make me feel really stupid”

You were at a loss for words.

“I know I do, someone has to be the one with brains here...So? Is that a yes?”

Your fingers hovered over your phone as a single tear rolled down your cheek. You always envisioned this scenario in your head much different when you were younger, stomach full of butterflies, a massive bouquet of roses tied with satin ribbon, backdrop of a warm sunset. That fabrication was far from the reality you were faced with now, with the only thing consistent being the butterflies taking over your entire body. Despite that, you wouldn’t have traded this moment with anything in the world, especially not him.  It was so overwhelming that everything that you had dreamed of finally was coming true. It was stupid, you cried over the stupidest things, but this time you really couldn’t help yourself

“Yeah”

You couldn’t believe it

“I’ll see you this weekend then, Potty Princess?”

He was genuinely unbelievable

“Sure thing, Potty Prince”

Masterlist of all my stuff

[electra-xt]

what do you think of kliego?

ooooh okay. 

this is gonna get long and subjective haha but talking about this is my jam and i’m glad you asked because i have thoughts!!

i think klaus and diego have excellent chemistry together, and they’re pretty equally matched for each other in the context of the show. the klaus/diego scenes in season 1 are some of my favorite moments, period— i find the veterans’ bar scene immensely cathartic, i love the scene where diego and klaus are chasing hazel and cha cha in the ice cream truck, and in episode 10 the combo of the “you saved my life” and “you’d be the last man i would date/you’d be lucky to get me” clinches it as a couple that makes sooo much sense in canon. romance! and i’ve read and enjoyed kliego fics, and i think there’s a lot to be said for them as a couple, and i would tentatively say that i do in fact ship it. 

the way i see the show, diego and klaus have an immense amount of love, connection, and affection for each other. they’re naturally drawn together, even when they appear to be opposites— stoic/intense/macho diego seeks out weepy/disenchanted/flaky klaus. this is because diego and klaus have one big similarity, imo, which is that they’re both emotionally oriented. both diego and klaus feel things deeply: diego is aggressive and angry and loves passionately and holds grudges, and klaus is savvy and perceptive and ebullient and incredibly easily overwhelmed. they’re both really sensitive. similarities! differences! opposites attract! romance~

that said... it’s hard for me to get long-game invested in them because i don’t think they respect each other.

i think diego and klaus have opposite values. every single part of diego’s story in season 1 is teaching him to care about other people, while every part of klaus’s story is klaus learning to respect himself. i’m not a fan of uneven relationships, and i think if they tried to really make something work, things would go poorly.

when we’re introduced to diego at the beginning of the show, he’s a swaggering wannabe vigilante who wants to swan into every crime scene and solve it. he wants so badly to be loved and seen, and he accomplishes exactly the opposite of that goal by always trying to measure up to his reginald’s ideal of success. his story with eudora, as clumsily as it was handled, taught him that the way to be loved and seen and truly achieve peace is to listen to other people, to follow others’ leads instead of blazing a trail for the sake of proving himself, and that mercy and compassion and forgiveness is better than revenge. diego values loyalty, family, sincerity, and the truth.

klaus, on the other hand, starts the show without any self-respect. he’s at rock bottom. he’s fresh out of rehab, the only relationships he has are transactional, and has zero intention of following through with sobriety. why would he? klaus has spent his entire life playing defense against the ghosts, and his values are clear: he needs to protect himself and stay safe and comfortable in the moment at any cost, even when he’s really sabotaging his future self. he’s never had anything to hang onto. so his whole experience in vietnam with dave, getting sober, “the first person i loved more than myself...” that’s the first thing that ever grounds him. that’s his wake-up call that he can— and should— build a life worth living for himself. klaus values safety, security, acceptance, and unconditional love.

and i don’t see those values as soulmate-level compatible. how do you reconcile one partner who needs things to be absolutely true and fair, and one who’s unfazed by manipulation and compromise? how do you reconcile one partner who’s hotheaded and has a temper and has never had a successful relationship with one who’s less patient and less thick-skinned and extremely accustomed to ducking out when things get bad? maybe their strengths complement each other, but how do you reconcile diego’s flaws with klaus’s flaws?

and this is where the respect comes in, because i believe diego wants the best for klaus, and he’d care for klaus, and maybe even sacrifice things to protect klaus— but like, does that mean he sees klaus as his equal? i don’t think so. diego has powerful protective instincts, but... he also deserves to be taken care of, and i genuinely don’t think klaus is equipped to do that unless he gets a TON of development that he doesn’t get in the show. i don’t enjoy ships where one character has to rehabilitate the other and nurse them to health. it’s an incredibly popular trope, but it leaves a really bad taste in my mouth to relegate diego to the role of the patient one while klaus is being his quirky and delightful self. i have negative interest in diego being the Supportive Boyfriend while klaus is dealing with his addiction.

i think kliego is massively appealing if you love klaus and see him as sensitive and quirky and delightful— which he is! diego and klaus are both nuanced and fascinating characters with lots of facets and lots of good qualities. it makes so much sense to put them together. but tbh i just can’t see past the fact that he hasn’t learned to respect other people and i think that combined with diego’s tendency to overstep and overreach and be overprotective, this is kind of a recipe for a relationship where diego tries to be klaus’s white knight and klaus leans into it and ultimately both of them get let down.

there are excellent kliego stories to be told, and i’ve written some and read a lot. and klaus shows up all the time in my fics! i love them as bros and wingmen and friends, and i like them as one-night stands and on-and-off flings and origin stories for each other! but as soulmates? as endgame? nahhh i think they’d drive each other insane