#and it kind of blew my mind because i had never really thought about the critical methods we were taught as having a history + a context
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micer2012 · 1 year ago
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a reflection on MatPat's plagiarism
Hello, my name is Della, or micer2012, and 2 years ago Game Theory plagiarized three Tumblr posts of mine, making a video that now holds almost 6 million views.
My posts explaining his plagiarism made their rounds on Reddit, Tumblr and Twitter, but despite the Hermits and Pooka commenting on it (generally in support of me or saying they don’t know enough details about the situation to say either way), MatPat and his team have never owned up to anything, and no mention of my name is present on the video. The one Reddit post they made denying it (which was made before my detailed takedown, which they have never responded to (though the mods on the r/GameTheorists Reddit were kind and made sure it stayed up)) didn’t even mention me by name, just referring to me as “a tumblr user”. (Though one of the screenshotted comments in the body of the post does say my name)
This experience was baffling, but it’s overall had a positive impact on my life. r/Hermitcraft gave me a Golden Apple Award (post of the year, 2021). My inbox was filled with excited fans, wanting to ask me questions or pose their own theories, far more than the hate I got. (Though the hate I got from Game Theory fans was VERY funny. I wondered why none of them gave me shit about saying “MatPat misgendered Evil Xisuma” before realizing none of them read that far into the post.)
And getting on a more personal, and much more important note, I met most of my current online friends through this, including my partner. It helped me grow closer with my irl friends as well and gave me an entertaining story that I tell whenever I have the chance. It was one of the first things in my life that really made me feel like my talents, my autistic hyperfocusing and analyzing of things I love, could be valuable. Useful. Exploitable. It blew my mind that MatPat thought an autistic kid’s ramblings about a Minecraft Youtube joke character were good enough to steal. To put an audible sponsorship on. To get 6 million views off of.
And that’s why I’m writing this post, this update years later. As you might’ve been able to guess, Hbomberguy’s Youtube video on plagiarism reopened this wound. It was really hard for me to sit through, it took days of pausing and taking breaks, because I had experienced everything he was talking about firsthand. 
In my 10 page long takedown post, I wrote about how his rewording of my sentences made him say things that were incorrect, just like Filip did. The content farm production style that made big companies like Cinemassacre take one creator (AVGN/MatPat) and turn him and his content into a brand, a voice that reads out scripts by other people with other opinions/theories, is a history shared with Game Theory. What really hit me was Harris talking about how big creators only do this to people they think they can get away with doing it to. How they view their victims as lesser, as not deserving of their words, repackaging them as their own to give to an audience that can gain from hearing them, but deserves better than to have to listen to the original victim.
That’s the thing, I 100% think a video version of my theory to expose to a bigger community than “Evil Xisuma Fans on Tumblr” is a great idea!! Near the end of the video Harris talks about how video adaptations of things could be a great market, even an accessibility tool, and I completely feel that about my posts. I wrote them quickly assuming the reader was someone well versed on Evil Xisuma lore, after not even watching most of the CarnEvil series, and the diagrams I made to explain them are even less comprehensible. Harris makes a joke that I completely agree with, 
“I’m sure some of my videos would do very well if someone translated them into English.”
I don’t think I would’ve ever made my posts if I didn’t have autism, and a special fixation on Evil Xisuma and Hermitcraft. I made them because I felt the character was being done an injustice, and because I wanted to share with other superfans this theory that might explain it away. I do think that MatPat plagiarizing me was ableist. I used to wonder a lot if this would’ve happened if my posts were articulated better, if they had been peer reviewed, if the posts themselves had been spread to a wider audience before MatPat made his video. At one point when the discourse was fresh (before I had the time to write out my 10 page rebuttal), a bigger YouTuber (100k subs at the time) messaged me and started talking on Discord, interested in possibly making a video on the discourse, but I think my style of typing and general enthusiasm drove him away. You can tell by a single look at my blog (or my original 3 posts!) that I don’t usually type like this. This post you’re reading now has been peer reviewed and edited, and took me hours to format correctly. That video could’ve been huge, the entire outcome of this MatPat situation would probably be much different.
I also used to stress a lot about “being the one who ruined Evil Xisuma’s story”. If you didn’t know, to me S8 Evil Xisuma’s story got wrapped up pretty quickly and unsatisfying (in my personal autistic opinion). (though this might’ve been due to s8 being experimental and ending early with moon big) There was no real culmination of the plot points and arcs going on, and I don’t want to blame myself, but when Xisuma said on stream (when the MatPat thing was first going on) that he didn’t want to focus on the discourse or draw more attention to it, it makes a lot of sense to me that he just wanted to wrap it all up as quickly as possible. For a while I beat myself up about it, of ruining the story of this character I love, but it’s not my fault. If anyone’s, it’s MatPats, but I don’t think it’s useful to just blame someone else. That’s how the story ended up going, and that’s fine. This is Evil Xisuma we’re talking about, their inconsistent lore is what made them such an interesting character. And notably, Pooka made an animation with an awesome culmination of Jeff, the Dreamer, Evil Xisuma, and his own sona’s story, and it makes me so happy to watch. Whatever Pooka does is of course his own choice, but I’m glad he got to give this personal story his own ending (if it is an ending, and not just the start of a new chapter!). 
Typing this all out and getting it off my chest has made me feel a lot better. For a while I wanted to make my OWN video essay about Evil Xisuma’s lore and CarnEvil’s lore, actually going episode by episode to explain it instead of just assuming you knew as much about Evil Xisuma as I did. That idea is still not off the table, but MCYT isn’t something I’m that into right now. Maybe if something else comes out about Evil Xisuma I’ll get back on it, but for now I’m fine with letting that go. But I want to make other videos, share other theories and analysis… if I have the freetime I’d love to make YouTube videos, and if I don’t have the time I’ll continue posting to my tumblr and infodumping to my friends. Apparently my infodumping is valuable enough “content” to steal! Writing this out has made me feel a lot better though, I’m really glad I got it out.
If anyone ever wants to talk to me about the things I’m obsessed with, or reach out to me as a source in a bigger discussion about Game Theory or other channels, my inbox is more than welcome :] Thank you for reading! 
Sincerely, a tumblr user.
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babejinxy · 1 month ago
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In love with you - part 1
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Pairing: Powder x fem!reader
Warnings: friends to lovers, SMUT, kissing, fluff 
Synopsis: Powder had been your best friend for years, the two of you met when she was running from the cops when she and her brothers broke into and blew up an apartment in Piltover and you helped them escape. What you never imagined, is that the love of your life was always right there in front of you…
A/N: This is a fic about Powder from the alternate universe, it has nothing to do with Jinx.
🌟 English is not my first language, so I apologize if there are any mistakes.
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The scorching heat made your hair stick to the bare skin of your shoulders, you were sitting at a table in the corner of Vender's bar so engrossed in your book that you didn't notice your best friend looking at you from across the bar leaning against the counter. She did that a lot, watching you. You were beautiful, her best friend, the love of her life, if only you knew what you meant to her...
The strap of your blouse slipped off your shoulder, you lifted it back into place with your finger and tossed your hair to the side, leaving the soft skin of your neck exposed, the silver of your expensive chain glinting in the sunlight. Powder didn't miss a single detail, she never did.
The only time you looked up from your book was to look at the new waitress - Gert - who asked if you would like to order a drink or a juice. She was clearly trying to make conversation and when you smiled at Gert, Powder felt a pang in her heart, she should be used to everyone flirting with you, everyone wanting you. She had her heart broken so many times because of your boyfriends and girlfriends and she was the one who comforted you when they broke your heart.
When you kindly said that you didn't want anything at the moment, Gert winked at you saying that if you changed your mind, just call her. You smiled and followed her with your gaze, she went behind the counter and you finally saw your best friend leaning against it. She picked up her glass of juice and started walking to where you were sitting, you noticed Ekko - who was sitting on a bench on the other side - following her with his gaze, you lowered your head and smiled a little.
“Ekko is really into you”, you said as soon as Powder sat down next to you.
“Hm…”, she shrugged as she pulled her juice with a straw, “it seems like he's the only one who's not into you”, she said, pointing at Gert with her head. She thought you might get the hint when she said he was the only one, but if you got the hint, you didn't show it. 
“Why don't you give him another chance? He's nice and he likes you, you never told me about that date with him, wasn't it nice?”, you asked looking at her.
“I... that was just a fling, Ekko is my friend, that's all... and... I'm kind of waiting for the right person”, she said a little embarrassed, not looking at you.
Powder had never had a long-term relationship with anyone, you knew she had been in relationships with girls and boys, but she never seemed to really be in love with anyone. Not that you could say you had ever really fallen in love with anyone, you had been in many relationships that never worked out for very long, but you were always dating someone, unlike Powder she didn't open up much to you about relationships and always changed the subject when you asked about her love life.
You shook your head as you laughed, “May I ask who this person is?” Powder looked into your eyes, but before she could say anything, Claggor and Mylo sat down with you, interrupting the moment. You had a fling with Claggor a while back, but he gave up on you after realizing his sister's feelings for you, even though she never admitted anything to him about you. Mylo always tried to date you, but he just wasn't your type.
“So… Y/n”, - Mylo said scratching the back of his neck, “are you going to come to the party on Saturday?”. Powder had told you about the party before, but you were the daughter of a tycoon and you had a high society party to attend - not that you liked it - and besides that you had academy work to finish. “I don’t know if…”, you started to say, but were interrupted by Claggor, “Oh come on? Don’t you think she should come Powder?”, he looked at her and then looked back at you. “I think she should come,” Gert said suddenly, winking at you as she walked past the table clearing away empty glasses. She left before anyone could say anything. Ignoring Gert, you looked at Powder, who was already looking at you and your eyes met, she was your best friend, but at that moment she seemed like something more. “Yes, she should come,” she said smiling, “admit it, we are much cooler than your rich friends.” You laughed, “I never denied that… okay, you win, I’ll come to the party…
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This chapter was kind of an introduction, so it's short. Should I post part 2?? 👇🏻
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supernovafics · 28 days ago
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𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐘 𝐀 𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐓𝐋𝐄 𝐋𝐎𝐍𝐆𝐄𝐑
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pairing: steve harrington x fem!reader
word count: 4.1k words
summary: in which you and steve are not together, but sometimes— most of the time— you two find your way to each other. it all feels surprisingly okay until the guilt starts to sink in 
warnings: explicit language, cheating (both reader and steve are cheating on their partners), implied smut, a bit of drunk!steve, a lot of angst
author’s note: i love when i get an idea and it consumes my brain so much that i simply cannot do anything except write it lol enjoy this thing that may or may not eventually get a part two<3 idk<333
.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。
You were starting to feel bad about it. Not bad enough to stop it, but bad nonetheless. 
In the end, when this inevitably blew up, a lot of people would be affected, but when you were alone with Steve you found it too hard to force yourself to care about all of that. When you two were alone in your car in the middle of the night or alone in his bedroom because his parents weren’t home, you never cared about just how terrible all of this was.  
That was why it wasn’t until you were walking down the hallway hand in hand with your boyfriend and you spotted Steve and Nancy lingering by what you could only assume was her locker and she was smiling so happily up at him, that you finally felt a little bad. 
You looked away quickly and pretended as if you hadn’t seen them in the first place; pushing his face and especially hers far out of your mind. Instead, you focused on Jamie and listened as he talked about a history test on Friday that he didn’t feel prepared for and how his parents would go ballistic if he didn’t pass. You promised to help him study later tonight— like you always did, from the moment you two met and became friends in seventh grade— and he smiled, leaning down to peck your lips as he called you the best. 
.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。
You really didn’t like thinking about how everything started with Steve. In your head, you were okay with simplifying it to one day you weren’t cheating on your boyfriend with Steve Harrington and the next day you were. Somehow that thought process made it easier; it made what you and Steve were doing feel more mindless than it actually was. 
But, just because you didn’t like thinking about the beginning didn’t change how it happened. 
It was a New Year’s Eve party at Sam Richards' house. 
You’d shown up alone because Jamie was out of town with family and had been since Christmas. Initially, you were supposed to go with them, but then at the last second, your parents decided to be festive and wanted you to be home for Christmas and the entirety of the holiday break. Weirdly enough, though, it hadn’t been as unbearable as you thought it would be.
However, you were on your own for New Year’s because your dad had a work party that was “adults only.” You honestly didn’t mind though because the thought of being stuck with a bunch of random middle-aged people sounded horrible. So, you instead decided to get stuck with a bunch of people your age, which maybe was just a different kind of bad. 
You heard about the party through a friend of a friend who didn’t even show up. The party was rowdy and boring, which were two words that probably didn’t make sense in the same sentence, but in this instance they surprisingly did.
Eventually, you ended up sitting on the rusty old swing set in the backyard, away from the music and drunk teens. Your sneaker-covered feet pushed into the grass, making you swing a little. You didn’t want to do too much because, with the amount of squeaking the swing was making, it felt as if it was on its last few days of life. 
Because of that squeaking and the fact that you were looking at the ground, you didn’t hear or see Steve walk up to you. 
You noticed him when he was only a few feet away, and you were more confused than startled when he sat down in the open swing next to you. 
“Two minutes to midnight.”
Those were not the first words Steve Harrington had ever said to you. Instead, those had been, “So what do we have to do?” after you two got paired up on a project for English last year. It was two weeks worth of meetups in the library that led to you two getting a B+ and never speaking again. 
Until now, apparently. 
“Fun,” You said because what else were you supposed to say? This entire moment didn’t really make a lot of sense to you.
You looked at Steve sitting next to you. The swing continued to squeak as he started lightly rocking back and forth. The second he met your gaze, you looked away. 
“Where's your boyfriend? Jessie something, right?”
“Jamie,” You corrected him. “He's out of town with family for the holidays. Where's your girlfriend? Mary something?”
You knew it was Nancy. Everyone knew it was Nancy. They were the talk of the school and a cliche case— smart girl falling for the popular guy, also known as the plot to one too many romcoms. 
For some reason, though, you didn’t want Steve to know that you inadvertently paid attention to him just like everyone else at your school. 
“Nancy,” He corrected you. “And she’s also at some family thing.”
You only nodded in response and things became quiet.  
“Y’know, apparently it’s bad luck to not kiss someone when the clock strikes twelve,” Steve said, filling the air of silence.
You ignored his random tidbit, which you weren’t sure was real or not. “Why did you come out here?”
His shoulders upturned in a quick shrug. “You looked bored out here. And I was bored in there.”
You could faintly hear the countdown start in the living room, everyone starting from sixty. 
The next words that should have left your lips should’ve been, “I have a boyfriend. I can't kiss you.” But, instead, you didn’t protest when Steve silently took hold of the chain of your swing and pulled it toward him so that you two were closer. 
You could’ve changed your mind and pushed him away, you should’ve changed your mind and pushed him away, but you decided not to think about it too much. When you heard the countdown get to one and everyone followed up by shouting, “Happy New Year!”, you were inwardly saying fuck it and kissing Steve Harrington in Sam Richards’ backyard. 
It was meant to be innocent, a simple peck just so you both could avoid this “bad luck” that Steve talked about, and it was completely innocent and chaste at first. Until your hand impulsively found Steve's cheek and you deepened the kiss and he didn’t stop you. 
He tasted like cigarettes and champagne, a surprisingly comforting combo, and his free hand moved to your waist, slipping underneath your coat and knit sweater. The feeling of his cold hand against your skin made you inadvertently shiver; you’d forgotten just how cold it was outside. 
“Sorry,” He muttered against your lips. 
It was the first word spoken in the last minute and it somehow managed to wake your mind up and made your thoughts finally start catching up to what was happening in this moment. You quickly realized that anyone could potentially see you two out here and even though the party inside sounded just as loud and lively as it had earlier, it was still a possibility that you two could get caught. 
You pulled back from the kiss and met Steve’s gaze. “We can’t do this here.”
It was the ‘here’ part of your sentence that fully piqued Steve’s interest. 
He stood up from the swing and reached his hand out for you to grab. “Come on.”
You slipped your hand in his and let him lead you out of the backyard and away from the house completely. It took you way too long to realize that he was taking you to his car that was parked down the street. He pulled the backseat door open and let you get inside first. 
You forced yourself not to think about anything aside from how good Steve’s mouth felt on yours and how you liked feeling his cold hands against your skin, traveling from your hips to your waist to your back and pulling you closer to him. 
Seconds blended into minutes and you suddenly weren’t sure how long you’d been in his backseat and how long you had kept nearly bumping your head against the roof every time you slightly shifted in his lap.    
It didn’t make sense to you how okay this all felt. You hadn’t spoken more than a handful of words to Steve since last year, and yet you felt entirely comfortable with him right here in this moment.
It didn’t make sense that night and it also didn’t make sense the one after that when you saw him again and you two did a lot more than just make out in the backseat of his car. 
However, what did feel certain was the fact that everything suddenly happening between you two wasn’t meant to be anything more. You knew that you and Steve wouldn’t make sense in the daytime or in the real world. He made sense with Nancy and you made sense with Jamie. That was just the way things worked and both of you unspokenly agreed on that. 
It was only in private when you two surprisingly did make sense, and in some ways, it felt like a no-brainer. Of course, you’d see Steve most nights and during fleeting moments at school. Of course, you’d kiss or do more with him for what felt like hours in his house or your own car. Of course, you’d feel comfortable in his bed with his arms wrapped around you as you two ended up talking about nothing for hours. 
.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。
You found the note in your locker halfway through third period. You asked your History teacher if you could go to the bathroom and then you headed to your locker instead of the bathrooms that were in the opposite direction because you just knew that something would be in it. 
Meet me. Bathroom. – Steve
The first time he sent a note that basically resembled that one, you laughed because how the hell were you supposed to know what bathroom he meant or when? 
And that was exactly what you told him that night when you two were in your car and he playfully pouted at you, asking why he didn’t get to see you at school. And then he let out a soft “Oh” with his own laugh when he realized that you were right and he didn’t tell you where to go or give you a time. 
From there on out, the bathroom by the gym became your and Steve's meeting place. It was usually always empty because most people opted for using the bathrooms in the gym locker rooms since they were bigger.  
After the first few times you met him there, there was really no reason for Steve to leave notes for you because the place and time was always the same, but you still kind of liked that he did. 
When you walked in at the start of sixth period instead of going to study hall, Steve was already leaning against the sink. 
He smiled when he saw you and you couldn’t help but think that that was the same smile that he’d been giving Nancy earlier; it was the same one he probably always gave her, his girlfriend. 
There was no greeting; no softly spoken “Hi’s” or anything. Instead, Steve was pulling you close and slotting his lips against yours and then shifting you two around so that you were pressed against the sink.
You savored it just for a second before you pulled away. 
“Wait,” You abruptly started and put your hands on his chest to put some distance between you two. “I, um, I think we should stop this.”
Apparently, you were feeling more than just a little bad about everything. 
Steve’s hands fell from your hips and it was easy to read the surprised look on his face, which definitely made sense because it did seem as if your words were coming entirely out of left field. 
“Oh,” He said. The surprised look fell from his face after the quickest moment. “Oh, okay. Yeah, that’s fine.”
His nonchalance toward the situation made it all feel a thousand times easier. Maybe he didn’t really care about all of this, and that should’ve made you feel okay and good and perfectly fine, but if you were being entirely honest with yourself it didn’t make you feel any of that. 
“Okay, cool,” You responded with a forced smile instead of taking your words back or doing anything else about them. “Good to know we’re on the same page.”
He gave you a quick nod. “Yeah.” 
For a second, it was hard to do what you needed to do next, but then you were finally moving away from Steve. No sort of “Goodbye” fell from your lips because it weirdly felt too hard to say the word right then.
Keep walking. Keep walking. Keep walking. 
The two words played on repeat in your head as you forced yourself to leave the bathroom. 
.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。
Steve was throwing rocks at your window. You didn’t even have to look to know it was him. There was no one else it could be. 
Jamie knocked and walked through your front door like a normal person, and then he’d talk to your parents for the obligatory amount of time that was considered polite (even after being friends for so long and then dating for that past year he was still kinda scared of your dad), and then he’d greet you. 
He would not throw rocks at your window. 
The smallest part of you was glad that Steve was at least doing this now instead of ten minutes earlier when Jamie was still here studying because that would’ve ruined everything for you. However, Steve being here now still pissed you off nonetheless. 
“What the hell are you doing here?” You whisper-yelled when you were standing in front of him in your front yard. You adjusted the hoodie that you haphazardly slipped on in your quick race down the stairs. “My parents are home.”
If he really wanted to, he could’ve called you out on how bad of an excuse that was because there had been many prior moments where your parents' presence hadn’t been that concerning to you. It wasn’t like they checked on you periodically throughout the night, so if you left in the middle of the night, all you had to do was make sure you were back by morning. 
Steve didn’t remind you of any of that, though. Instead, he said, “I just— I just wanted to tell you something.”
There was something about the way he was talking and his stance right then that made you give him a look. “Are you drunk?”
He answered with the most unconvincing “No” ever and you had to fight the urge to roll your eyes. 
“How did you get here?”
“Walked,” he answered and you nodded, relieved that he didn’t drive, and then you felt kind of annoyed for caring. You really didn’t want to care about him anymore. 
“So… you, uh, wanted to tell me something?” You asked him. The faster the conversation started, the faster it could be over and he could leave your front yard. 
“Oh, yeah,” He nodded. “I just— I wish you hadn’t ended things with us today.” 
His words confused you because he had seemed perfectly fine about it all earlier. Your eyebrows furrowed. “But, we agreed—“
“I know,” He interrupted you. “I know, and I get it, I guess. But, I just don’t want you to think that it’s easy for me to let you and what we had go. It isn't easy. At all. I didn’t realize how much I really like you and how much I love what we had until you decided to end it.”
You wondered if he was only admitting that because he was drunk; maybe he wouldn’t have said any of that to you otherwise. But, either way, at least he had the guts to say what you’d been too scared to. You hadn’t even really admitted it to yourself, how much you liked and cared about him. As much as you wanted to pretend that what you two had been doing was mindless and didn’t really mean anything, it was actually the complete opposite; of course, it was.
You still had to look away from him in this moment, though, because you weren’t drunk and it felt too hard to admit the truth like he was. “Steve…”
“What changed?” He asked after a moment of what felt like unbearable silence. “Yesterday, we were fine, right?”
You refused to answer his questions because you really didn’t want to rehash everything right then; how your suddenly guilty brain made you impulsively end things with him. You honestly wanted to just forget about everything. 
You shook your head as you sighed. “Let me drive you home, Steve.”
Your words were soft, probably too soft. You wanted to be mean to him, you wanted to push him away; you knew that it would make things easier. But, you couldn’t. 
“Can we walk?”
“Sure, but if you stumble and fall I'm not picking you up.”
He laughed a little as he nodded. “Understandable.” 
You shouldn’t be joking with him, you shouldn’t even be talking to him, but here you were. 
Things were quiet for a few moments, and you figured that maybe this ten-minute walk wouldn’t be too bad. Maybe it would stay silent and you’d say an actual final goodbye to him once you were at his front door and then you two would never talk again; essentially a sort of repeat of what happened last year in English class.
“So, can I know what happened?” Steve asked, breaking the quiet and ruining what you had hoped would happen for the next ten minutes. Apparently, he wasn’t going to let this go until you either told him the truth about what was going on in your head or lied about it all. 
You let out a long breath; you couldn’t find it in you to lie to him in this moment. “I finally realized that we’re shitty people for doing this.” Steve didn’t say anything at first so you took that as your cue to keep going. “You love Nancy and I love Jamie and everything that we’ve been doing for the past month isn’t fair to them and it’s so fucked up. We’re selfish and terrible people, and I kinda hate that this ever started in the first place.”
Finally saying it all out loud made it feel a thousand times more real and certain to you. At least, most of it felt that way. You knew just how shitty all of this was, but you weren’t sure if you’d ever completely regret any of it happening. 
“You don’t love him, though,” Steve said. “At least that’s what you told me that one night.”
You were now learning that Steve Harrington was a good listener, and even with his current inebriation, his memory was still surprisingly good too. 
“That doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change how horrible I feel about all of this.”
You were talking, but all you could think about was the conversation that Steve was referring to. A post-sex conversation that you two had a few weeks ago as you and him were half-naked in the backseat of your car that was parked at Lovers Lake. 
It doesn’t feel right anymore, and I don’t know, maybe it never fully did. I just want to go back to how things were before. But, it feels impossible to tell him any of that. He really loves me, and even though I don't feel the same way anymore, I don’t want to hurt him or break his heart. He's still my best friend. I'll always love him like that. 
It was hard to remember what Steve said in response to that or if he even said anything at all. All you could remember was that the second the words left your mouth, you wanted to forget about it. You’d been way too honest, saying things that you had never admitted out loud before, but somehow you were admitting them to Steve.  
“You’re right,” He said to you now. “We are bad people for doing this.”
Things became quiet then because what else was there really to say? You both were in agreement. 
You two continued walking the short distance to his house. When he started going off course a bit too much, stepping on and off of people’s yards instead of staying on the sidewalk, you grabbed his hand to keep him close and steady. 
You didn’t drop it once you two were at his front door or even when he asked you to come inside. Against your better judgment, you silently let him lead you into his house. You toed off your shoes at the door like you always did and then followed him up the stairs. You told yourself that you were just making sure he made it into bed alright.
“You okay?” You asked once you two were in his room. 
You were just wondering if he was feeling dizzy or needed to throw up, but Steve took your question in an entirely different way. 
He shook his head. “I miss you.”
“I’m right here.”
“Okay, I’m gonna miss you.”
“I…” You let out a soft sigh. “I don’t know what you want me to say to that.”
You wished that he would kick you out, or even yell at you. If he was mean to you, it’d make it easier to leave his house, to leave him. Deep down you knew that he would never do that, though.
“Why can’t we just…” He trailed off for a second, and you were certain that he forgot where he was going with his words, but then he continued. “Do this?”
“Do what?” You asked, even though you had a feeling what he meant but you hoped you were wrong. 
“Be together for real,” He said, and in an entirely different world it would’ve made you happy hearing that, but in this world his statement only made things feel so much more complicated. “We won’t be bad people anymore if we just stop lying.”
For the briefest second, you imagined saying yes and agreeing with him, and for that quick second, the thought actually sounded really nice. 
“Or we won’t be bad people anymore if we just stop everything,” You told him instead of being honest and admitting that you liked him a lot more than you had ever led on, and that even though you had wanted this to mean nothing, you had also really enjoyed the nights where you two talked for hours upon hours about anything. 
“Okay,” He said, no longer debating your words and simply accepting them for what they were.
You nodded and then the simple word fell from your lips too. “Okay.”
That was definitely your cue to leave, but you didn’t say any kind of “goodbye” and neither did Steve. It was obvious that things were different, but they didn’t entirely feel that way just yet, so that made you stay. 
“Do you want me to leave?” You asked softly after a few moments of just watching him move about his bedroom, pulling off the jacket he was wearing and hanging it on the back of his door. 
Steve shook his head, meeting your eyes again. “No, I’ll always want you to stay.”
You couldn’t help but give him a small smile and a simple nod as a way to say “Okay.” You knew that this entire interaction was sending nothing but mixed signals, but your mind was a mess of contradictions and only felt confused, and you just really didn’t want to think too much anymore. 
It was warm in his room, so you pulled off your hoodie, leaving you in just your t-shirt and shorts, and you hung it up where his jacket was on his door. Silently, you joined him at his bed, settling yourself and laying down in the spot that you’d been in more times than you could count at this point.  
“I’m sorry,” You whispered in the darkness after a while. “That things can’t be different.” 
Steve moved closer to you, slipping an arm around your waist. “They could be.”
“I know,” You finally admitted, leaning into his touch. “But, it’s just too hard.”
He didn’t ask you to elaborate on what you meant, probably because he understood or he was just tired of this constant back and forth. 
You told yourself that you’d only stay for five minutes. And when five minutes turned to ten, you told yourself that you at least wouldn’t fall asleep. 
But, of course, you did. You felt too comfortable and at ease in Steve’s arms not to.
.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。
part two!
let me know ur thoughts<333
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dykeishh · 9 months ago
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lessons in lust
ellie williams x fem reader
synopsis: ellie meets with her hot tutor for calculus and somehow ends with an anatomy lesson! 
CW: 18+ MINORS DNI, dealer!ellie (throwback asf), tutor!reader, slightly dom!ellie, cunnilingus, public sex (they don’t get caught tho), a bit of teasing, both reader and ellie are just sluts basically. not proofread :3
a/n: heyyy the way i wrote this in literally 2023 and it's just been in my notes… hence slight dealer!ellie appearance LOL its also barely relevant to the story but I just think tutor!reader x dealer!ellie is a hot pairing. also ellie being lowkey dominant in this is so funny cuz i'm really in my sub!ellie era… but its still hot honestly. anyways hope y'all enjoy!
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ellie sighed as she looked at her current course score, knowing she was about to fail her calculus class if she didn’t start getting decent grades soon. she cursed herself for picking astrophysics as a major, recalling how she ‘thought it sounded cool’ and failed to consider that she would need to take difficult math classes.
she didn’t hate it, but she was falling behind as she allowed her ‘business’ to take up most of her time. it was easy to get caught up, and she was pretty proud of herself once the money really started raking in, but was quickly humbled when she remembered she couldn’t afford to retake a foundational course to her major. 
that was how ellie found herself tapping her shoes against the library chair, waiting for her calculus tutor to arrive. she blew out a sigh from her pursed lips as she scrolled mindlessly through her phone, in a daze—so much so that she hadn’t noticed you walk up to the round table until you said, “hi, are you ellie?”
she looked up, a bit startled by your voice in the quiet library, especially because she had picked a spot in the back, away from other people and their chatters. 
she took a second to respond, partially because she had expected some kind of geeky math nerd to be her tutor--especially since it was through the school. however, the main reason for her delayed response was because she knew you.
well, knew is an overstatement, you were a bit of a crush that ellie had in one of her classes. she had never made a move to talk to you, but she often indulged herself by staring at your legs, barely covered by the short skirts you wore to class, and fantasizing about the sounds you’d make with her face between them. she noticed you were wearing a similar skirt today and her mind already started racing, but she quickly snapped out if it. 
“hi, yeah that’s me.”
“i’m y/n, i’ll be working with you today,” you said, smiling at her. she felt her heart rate increase, but she made sure to play it cool. “oh, nice, thanks.” you gave her a slight smile aam pulled your chair in next to her. 
“so, where should we start?”
—————————
after several minutes of going over the subjects taught in the course, ellie’s mind had started to wander back to your short skirt and your words faded into the background as she wondered how quiet she could be while fucking you in the library. you can feel her eyeing you up as you spoke, and try to keep your voice steady regardless of how nervous she’s making you feel. how are you supposed to teach her while she’s practically undressing you with her eyes?
“so, can you show me how you could solve this kind of problem?”, you ask. after a few moments of silence and ellie scratching her head, you giggle, noticing she looks a bit spaced out.
“jeez, am i that boring of a tutor that you’re zoning out?”, you tease. she chuckles and shakes her head, “no, not at all. these kinds of problems just confuse me is all, i really don’t know where to start.”
you scoot your chair closer to her and aren’t sure if you imagine hearing her breath hitch. 
“okay so, show me exactly where you’re having problems."
—————————
“holy shit. you’re a fucking genius. or a saint. both—whatever. i can’t believe i actually understand this,” ellie scoffs in disbelief. 
you smile at ellie and and shrug, “you had it in you. sometimes it just takes a bit of a push. i’m sure you’ll do great on your tests.”
ellie looks at you with a suddenly soft expression, suddenly realizing her appreciation for your help and being so patient with her. she also realizes that she might have a thing for nerds. she would be lying if she didn’t find your intelligence extremely sexy, as if you weren’t already hot enough.
“so, how am i going to repay you for this, y/n?” she asks, leaning towards you and brushing a hair out of your face. 
you let out a shy laugh at her sudden boldness, caught off guard by the cute girl’s fingers brushing against your skin. 
funnily enough, you had heard about ellie before. there was a small number of queer students on campus, and an even smaller circle of queer girls. and as it usually happens, lots of you knew of each other. in fact, you and ellie were both hooking up with the same girl, which was how you knew about her. just based on this, you assumed she was a bit of a womanizer, and her obvious flirting with you now seemed to align with this idea. 
but you aren’t put off by this—in fact, it only makes her more intriguing to you. behind your studious math-nerd image, you aren’t all that innocent either. 
“please, i already get paid to tutor. i’m just doing my job, so you don’t have to thank me any special way,” you reply, amusement laced in your tone.
“i know i don’t have to,” she states simply, “i want to. you helped me out, and i think it’s only right that i return the favor.” as she says this, ellie places her hand on your thigh, slowly moving it up as she looks into your eyes, waiting for a reaction. 
you raise an eyebrow at her, but once you smirk, ellie knows it’s game over. you lean in forward and lower your voice. “y’know, i think you might be right. i did, after all, save your grade in this class didn’t i?” 
you decide you’ll play along and see where this goes. after all, she was fucking hot. when she smirks at your response, you almost start drooling. 5 minutes ago, you were focused on integrals, but now all your brain can think is how fucking badly you want those long fingers to keep moving up your leg. 
“so how exactly are you going to repay me?” you ask, although you already had an idea of what she had in mind. 
even though ellie was hoping for this situation, she couldn’t believe you were actually down. when she realizes this, it goes straight to her clit. was she really about to fuck her hot tutor? 
ellie suddenly starts lowering herself under the desk.
“i think i can help you better down here.”
you just about come right in that moment, looking down at her mischievous green eyes from beneath you. your breath hitches and you look around to make sure that nobody is watching. 
“fuck. that’s so hot. okay… you just-you have to tell me if i’m being too loud, okay?”
ellie nods and can’t seem to wipe that smirk off her face as she crawls forward and positions her face so she could look under your skirt. you spread your legs slightly for her access and you can immediately feel her hot breath on your inner thighs, causing you to shudder. she looks up at you, making direct eye contact as she leaves wet kisses on your thighs, teasing you, even in this moment where she should be going quickly as to not get caught.
you bite your lip when she drags her middle finger over your clothed heat, then slowly rubs your clit through the pink fabric. you hear her curse to herself and you feel yourself getting wetter as each excruciating moment passes. after a few moments, she pulls your panties to the side to view your soaked pussy. 
“you’re already so wet,” she quietly groans. you almost whine when she brings her mouth so close to your center, looking up at you from her hooded eyelids and just holding herself there to tease you just a little bit longer. 
ellie takes a mental snapshot of your desperate expression as you look down at her, with your lips between your teeth and eyebrows furrowed. but she can’t wait any longer herself. needing to taste you, she licks a long strip from up your pussy and you immediately find yourself choking back a moan. 
ellie seems pleased by your reaction and starts leaving wet kisses on your clit, sucking lightly as she pulls away and alternating with gentle flicks of her tongue. its driving you absolutely crazy how gentle and slow she’s being, and you start to roll your hips to satiate her relentless teasing. she knows that it’s not enough but she’s also aware of how much more wet it’s making you. 
she sucks a little harder on your clit and your head falls back as you gasp in pleasure. then she pulls away, lightly smacking your thigh. 
“uh uh, keep looking at me. i want you to watch me while i make you feel good, baby,” she murmurs before she dives back in.
you pull your head back down to watch her with your mouth slightly agape and see her low-lidded eyes are clouded with lust. your back arches as you feel her the pressure of her tongue increase and watch her bob her head up and down under your skirt. ellie isn’t holding back and you can hear the messy, wet noises her mouth makes against your cunt in the quiet library. everything about the situation was borderline pornographic, and you almost feel dizzy from how much it was turning you on. without stopping her mouth movements, you feel her one of her fingers rub against your entrance before plunging deep into your cunt, causing you to let out a little moan. her eyes flick up back to yours, giving you a dangerous look as a warning. one of your hands clasps over your mouth to muffle your sounds as best you can. 
“feels good, doesn’t it?” she whispers, and you nod in response, causing her to tsk at you. “i want to hear you say it. tell me how good i’m making you feel,” she demands, slipping in a second finger. 
when you remove your hand, you accidentally let out another small whimper, and you respond as best as you can, “it f-feels so good. fuck, it’s too good,” you whisper, eyes rolling back into your skull.
satisfied with your answer, she reattaches her mouth to your clit and sucks harshly, forcing you to bite your fingers to hold back your sounds. her fingers speed up as well, and you can hear the lewd sounds of your wetness even louder now. you’re getting dangerously close, and she can tell by how your insides clench around her fingers. 
“s-shit, i’m close, ellie,” you half-whisper, half-whine. 
“i know, baby.”
she continues her assault with her tongue and fingers, doing her best to drive you crazy. she can feel her own wetness growing between her legs as she listens to your muffled sounds. when she sees your face, all fucked out and desperate, she nearly cums on that alone. “you gonna come for me?”
“mhmm,” you whimper, unable to respond properly as your mind and body are completely clouded with pleasure. your hands find her hair, needing somewhere to grab as the intensity became too much for you, causing her to moan into you, and the vibrations of her voice push you over the edge.
your body freezes up completely for a moment, then jolts as your release hits you, hard. you can’t help but moan and your legs shake as she keeps her pace, prolonging your orgasm for as long as she can. when the overstimulation becomes too much, you push her head away from you causing her lips to detach from you with a pop. you gasp for air and your body trembles as you come down from your high. 
when your vision unblurs, you see her still between your legs, lips and chin covered in a combination of your wetness and her spit, and watch her smirk before she cleans her fingers off with her mouth. it’s the most erotic view you’ve ever seen—you could cum a second time.
she helps you put your panties back on and slowy rises from under the table, looking around to make sure the coast is still clear. she chuckles when she sees you still slumped in your chair, recovering and wraps her arm around your waist to help you up. 
“how was that for repayment?” she teases.
you chuckled, still out of breath, and hoped that she’d be setting up more sessions with you in the future.
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bluerthanvelvet444 · 8 months ago
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‧₊˚♫ ⋅* ‧₊✮𝐓𝐮𝐦𝐛𝐥𝐫 𝐠𝐢𝐫𝐥✮‧₊˚ ⋅*♫ ˚₊⋅
Tate Langdon x fem!reader
Tumblr media Tumblr media
tags: smut with a plot and some fluff.
warnings: obsessive behavior, kind of a switch!Tate, oral (f receiving), dry humping, p in v.
summary: Tate encounters a Tumblr girl. (Inspirated a lot by the song I linked under.)
character count: 12k.
full fic under the cut ↓
.⋆.‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧.⋆.
2014.
Tate had never really cared about looking ‘stylish’ or ‘fitting in’ when he was alive. He had his own style, which wasn’t trendy nor one of a kind just…his. He didn’t need anyone else’s approval to believe he was cool, mostly because the girls that were attracted to him were just as fucked up as him and the popular ones tended to ignore him.
Ironical how that changed in his afterlife, once he saw you. After dying, Tate’s time was spent either with the other trapped souls or by himself. Hardly ever people moved in the Murder House, and whether they did, they were a low-budget couple in their 40s. So Tate’s knowledge of the modern outside world was poor and lacking, especially when it came to his ‘peers’. That’s why when you first moved in the house, Tate was stunned, if not flabbergasted even.
You were struggling with carrying your heavy luggage, muttering curses as the wind blew your colorful hair in your eyes. The first word that came in Tate’s mind as he watched you from the front window was “cool.”
He spent the first days of your sojourn watching you from afar, admiring the way you acted. Tate found out the way you styled your outfits in the fashionable way, how you talked to your friends in slangs and how you spent your evenings taking pictures on your polaroid and on a glowing little box, that for some strange reason you called phone, to post (that’s the term you used) on a little blue icon marked with a white t. He didn’t know what was considered popular now, but he was sure you belonged in that category, judging by the way you looked and the way your pictures had high numbers under them whenever you uploaded them. He needed wanted to approach you, and the perfect opportunity showed up when he saw you type on your glowing box:
“PARTY in the MURDER HOUSE tonite!! >_< :33!!”
.⋆.‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧.⋆.
The house had never been so full of alive people having fun. The doors were open, colorful lights were shining and high volume music was blasting. Tate tried blending in, although the more he looked around the more he felt…lame. The drunk teens around him were all different from each other, and none of them matched his vibe. And he even wore his favorite sweater!
Still, he had nothing to lose, so he took a deep breath and searched for you in the crowd. Tate made his way past people as they pushed him to the left and to the right. It felt weird to be seen, to be touched. He found you circled by people asking questions about the house. Was it haunted? Were there ghosts? All of which you answered with a simple “No.”.
“Of course there aren’t any ghosts, I’m keeping them away from you.” Tate thought. Since he was too nervous to actually take a few steps and start a conversation with you, he figured he’d get some punch, just to loosen up a bit. He walked towards the punch bowl, and as soon as he reached to grab a cup, his hand met yours. You both grabbed the same solo cup.
“Sorry! You can have it.” You giggled as you let him take the cup. Tate blinked a few times, eyes locked to your bright smile, before grabbing the cup and filling it up. “Be cool, Tate. Don’t mess it up.” He thought.
“Uh. So…this is your party, right?” He gulped, eyes darting around the house as if he didn’t know every single inch of it by heart.
“Yes! Thought it would’ve been fun to host a party in a so-called Murder House. Plus, this house is giant, it gets lonely after some time…You live near here? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you.” You smiled.
“Oh…yeah. My name’s Tate. I live nearby.” Tate’s eyes trailed upon your figure, he had never been able to see you from so close. You simply nodded, sipping from your cup. He cleared his throat.
“You know…I used to live in this house.” He added nonchalantly, trying so hard to sound interesting.
“Really?! No way!” Your giggles rang in his ears.
“Mhm. You probably noticed some of my things still laying around in my bedroom. No one has stepped in since I last did.” He nodded.
“Oh, do you wanna see? Maybe there’s something you left that you want back.” You replied, slightly raising your voice so that it could be heard over the music.
“I uh-There’s no need t-” He was interrupted by you grabbing his hand and leading him upstairs anyways. You opened the door of the bedroom and kicked out a couple that was making out on your bed.
“Ugh!! I should’ve locked the door!” You exclaimed, closing the door behind you two. Tate looked around, some of your things were laying around, but it was mostly all his.
“Dude you left everything here!” You giggled. Tate forced out a chuckle, everything was of course still there, since he ‘lived’ there normally and never moved.
“Yeah, uh…Guess I left in a hurry.” He muttered awkwardly and grabbed some of his Nirvana CDs.
“There they were…!” He pretended as if he didn’t just play them everyday before you came.
“CDs? Didn’t you use an IPod or something?” You gave him a confused look.
“Oh uh…no, I prefer CDs.” He nodded, as if he knew what an IPod was.
“You don’t use your phone?” You asked, raising up your glowing box.
“No, I…don’t have one.” He gulped.
“Damn, how do you handle that? I could never live without Tumblr or Instagram.” You chuckled.
“...Yea, um…just not my thing, y’know?” He cleared his throat, trying his best to change the subject.
“Oh, yea. I’ve met some people like that. I envy y’all, y’know? Tumblr’s literally addicting to me. Can’t help it though, love when people comment nice stuff and see you as inspiring, y’know?” You chuckled, sitting down on his your bed.
“Uh…can’t really relate. I’ve always been pretty invisible.” He shrugged.
“Oh…you don’t seem so bad. I like the whole grungy vibe.” You grinned, pointing to his outfit.
“Oh- uh…thank you.” He hoped it was a good thing to be ‘grungy’...or whatever you said.
“Yea, looks good on you. Doesn’t really fit me tho.” You giggled.
“You’d look gorgeous in anything.” Was what Tate wanted to say, but he didn’t wanna push his luck too far, so he just forced a shy chuckle.
.⋆.‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧.⋆.
You spent something like 30 minutes just laughing and getting to know each other while laying on the bed. During this whole time, he couldn’t help but think about how breathtaking you were: your smile, your eyes, your body, your personality, your whole being. You were perfect. Perfect for him. He found himself to be completely mesmerized by you, he needed you to be his, he needed you to make him feel loved, alive. He wondered how you did it, how ever since the first second you spent next to him, his heart started beating for the first time since he died. His body felt warm, his skin didn’t feel so cold anymore, he started breathing again. He was addicted to this feeling, so he did the only reasonable thing he would’ve done if he was actually alive, he gently grabbed your cheek and pressed his lips against yours. Everything felt just better after he kissed you, as if after that whole hell he had been through he finally reached paradise. He felt even more surprised when you kissed back, your lips moving in sync with his. He moved to lay on top of you, balancing his weight so he didn’t crush you, his lips never leaving yours as his fingertips danced across your body. His tongue slipped in your mouth, swirling around yours in a passionate dance. He let out some deep throaty groans, he felt his desire grow as it coursed through his veins. He needed to feel you, so he deepened his kisses. When you moved your lips down on his jaw and then his neck, he almost lost it. He felt embarrassed for moaning so much and basically becoming a mess under your touch, but he relaxed as soon as he felt your lips curling up in a smile against his skin. He moved on to devour your neck, grinning as he felt you moan now. His hands gripped every inch of your body.
“You’re so…beautiful…” He mumbled against your skin, grabbing your breasts through the fabric of your shirt. He looked up at you while tugging at your shirt, silently asking for consent to peel it off of you.
“You can take off whatever you want...” You winked, giving him a cute smile. He immediately peeled off both his and your clothes, groaning at the sight of your body. His lips worked hungrily on your collarbone, leaving marks that will most likely turn into hickeys the next day, then placed kisses on the valley between your breasts, a tiny whine leaving him when his fingers failed at desperately trying to undo the clasp of your bra.
You giggled and helped him, throwing your bra somewhere on the floor. He immediately took one of your nipples in his mouth, suckling gently while looking up at you with those brown puppy eyes of his. You smiled and twirled a strand of his blonde locks between your fingers, soft moans escaping your lips. He kept switching between sucking your left then right nipple, his hand groping the one he wasn’t attacking with his mouth. He felt himself getting harder as he felt the warmth radiating from your body, so while his mouth worked wonders, he desperately brushed his growing bulge from under his boxers on your leg. He let out some needy whines, and he couldn’t help but mutter sweet words against your skin as he lowered down to trail kisses on your tummy.
“So perfect f’me…” His words came out muffled as he trailed his kisses down, pressing his lips against your inner thigh and then on the fabric of your panties. You moaned when his fingers hooked under the waistband of your underwear, slowly pulling it down, as his lips immediately worked on your clit.
“Ah…just like that Tate…don’t stop…” You moaned when he started to suckle gently, soft whines leaving his mouth as well. As he got more needy himself, his mouth lowered on your entrance, his tongue gently brushing against your wet folds, finally entering you after teasing you a slight bit. What you felt was pure bliss, unholy sounds leaving your lips every time his tongue sped up. When you looked down, you found Tate looking up at you with those brown doe eyes from between your legs, as he worked his magic. The sight only drove you to the edge, your moans getting louder as you came on his face. He groaned and cleaned you up with his tongue, making sure not to miss any single droplet of your cum.
“So good…you taste so fucking good…” He moaned into your ear, pressing wet kisses on your neck and collarbone.
“Wanna be inside of you…please? please let me…” He whined while rubbing his hard dick against your flesh. You nodded and just like that he didn't waste any more time, he abruptly pulled his boxer down, groaning as the cold air hit his shaft, and lined up with your entrance. While you were still coming down from your high after the intense orgasm, Tate pushed his dick inside of you slowly, moaning uncontrollably once he felt your tight walls clenching around him. You were relieved that this encounter happened when you threw a party, or every single soul nearby would’ve heard the throaty groans and moans leaving his lips.
“Mh…tight…so tight…so pretty-can I move please? I’ll be- ah…I’ll be careful-please-” He whined against your neck, as his blonde strands caressed your face gently. You agreed, and just like that he was thrusting in and out of you, first slowly, then at a steady pace. The room was filled with filthy moans, yours and his, and the repetitive sound of skin against skin, as your sweaty bodies were sliding one against each other. He felt like he was going insane as his mind couldn't help but focus on you and you only. Every moment was more pleasurable and he felt like he was closer and closer, so he muttered in your ear, still thrusting into you.
“Close…so close…don’t think i’m gonna last-ah…longer…please please please…want you to cum too…” He babbled as his brain turned into mush.
“Ah-! Mhm…m’close too…” You breathed out, feeling the knot in your stomach tighten even more.
“Please-mh…cum on my dick? yeah? wanna feel you..please…” He whimpered, he felt like he couldn’t contain his upcoming orgasm. You couldn’t even respond as the repetitive brushing of his tip against your G-spot drove you to the edge. Letting out a loud moan, you came for the second time while he was still inside of you. That caused Tate’s eyes to roll back, his groans only filling the room as the feeling of your cum dripping on his length and your walls squeezing it, was too much to bear. He quickly pulled out and came all over your stomach, then he collapsed next to you.
He spent the next moments cuddling up against you, thinking about everything. His hands were playing with your hair, and when he looked down he found your eyes closed and your breath steady. He smiled at the sight, wanting every night of his afterlife to end like this and determined to make that happen. He kept placing sweet kisses on the top of your head, while he wondered how he was gonna explain to you that he died before Tumblr even existed.
.⋆.‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧.⋆.
taglist: @cxndiedvi0lets @angeldollw @doll3tt33 @marchsfreakshow @fear-is-truth @dykejugheadjones @happy74827 @evpeters87 @dont-look-behind @brightanshiny
a/n: rahhhh tate's such a loser needy boy. BTW spent sm time on this fic, I'm pretty proud of how it turned out!! hope you like it! this is for my tumblr girlies🩷
all rights reserved!!
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xeeljii · 4 months ago
Text
CURRENTS ⋆⭒˚.⋆
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PART 1: New Person, Same Old Mistakes
WARNING! Explicit RPF! 
Summary: You and Joost were never lovers, never friends but something in the middle that ended up hurting more, you meet again years later and many things have changed but others stay the same. 
Word count: 4.9k
CW: 18+, f! reader, friends with benefits, mentions of past sex, jealousy, angst, rekindling (?)
The fall had been hard and fast as much as you didn’t want it to. Joost was cute and funny, killer combo and you had great chemistry in bed, cherry on top. The problem was that he had just gotten out of a committed relationship and was not looking for that again, good, cool, totally fine, neither were you. That is what your twenties are for just, casual sex and silly mistakes and he was perfect for that, until it wasn’t so perfect. Because again, he was very cute and very funny and you could lie to yourself about your feelings only for so long before they became unbearable like an invisible hand slowly choking you. 
You and Joost had met one of those days where he had been jumping around from bar to bar getting wasted seeing where he would end the night to avoid ending at his own place all alone again. He had told you you caught his eyes because you had such a pretty face, but in truth he just liked your laughter, you had been with a group of friends and the sweet sound of it kept calling to him like a siren song. He had finally built courage to approach you. You were very beautiful but more than that you were fun, he liked that, he felt like he could talk to you for hours without it getting tiring but also he was very curious to know what you looked like underneath all your pretty clothes so after seeing the way you kept blushing when his eyes lingered on you he bluntly asked. 
“Your place or mine?” He said it with way more confidence than he felt, in those days it was what he did, just fake it until you make it, and somehow it worked, sometimes at least. You had faintly seen trough it but he was so handsome and had an aura about him that pulled people in so you decided to ignore the warning signs. 
“Mine” You replied with a grin. 
Whether it was a good or bad decision you had no idea but you were unwilling to let such an opportunity with such a man pass you by. He had eaten your pussy like a starved man kissing through the lace of your panties, licking and sucking at your folds, you had never come that hard before, never had met someone who did it like it was pleasurable for them too and not just a curtesy at most. When you saw him disappear between your legs at first you had almost stopped him too shy to have him that close to you but he spoke before you could even gather your words. 
“I’m thicker than most so you need this.” He smiled a little self satisfied then looked at your wet heat and added. “But really you have such a pretty pussy it would be a waste not to.” He licked his lips in anticipation and then made you see stars. 
You thought he was bluffing at first but he was honest and he had you melting in his embrace with a few thrust and his deft fingers on your clit. That night he made you cum over and over until you couldn’t take his touch.
“I can’t anymore I surrender.” You said in fake dramatics putting your hand over your hard beating heart, he had laughed, a beautiful sound in the middle of the night, he had the prettiest smile you think you had ever seen, with deep dimples that adorned his cheeks.
“Do you mind if I smoke?” He asked, getting up from bed, you shook your head. 
“Just open the window or my landlord will kill me.”
“Well we wouldn’t want the girl with the prettiest pussy ever dying.” He had said cigarette hanging from his lips as he cracked the window open. 
“You are kind of a pervert.” You said shaking your head embarrassed and hiding behind the covers as you felt yourself blushing at his bluntness, he looked back at you and smiled as he took his first drag.
“If it is only kind of then it is fine.” He blew the smoke outside the room slowly.
The image of him sitting on your chair, naked, smoking out of the window of your tiny apartment would become ingrained in your mind for years to come haunting you when you least expected it. 
In the morning he had woken up and left before you but he had written his number in a piece of paper in the back of one of your shopping lists. Sure, he had probably been the best sex you had ever had, perhaps a little too rough at times but you weren’t entirely sure if getting involved with him further was a good idea, he very clearly had his own thing going on and while you weren’t entirely looking for a relationship you also weren’t entirely not looking for it so you were scared you would end up just being a disturbance in the middle of his easy going life. So you just threw the paper away, promising yourself to just let this be a night of fun and nothing more. But that was not what destiny had in plans for you at all. 
One night after some exams were done your friend group decided to party, someone had gotten tickets for a live show and that is how most of you ended up in some dark venue downing the cheapest drinks you could get. Just your luck, he was the performer. As soon as you recognized him up on stage you felt the room start to move underneath your feet, you felt dizzy like you would float away and yet you couldn’t move at all as if glued to the floor by his magnetism. It was the first of many times you would see him preform but it was your favorite and the one you kept closest to your heart. He was fun and charismatic, had people chanting his music back to him and dancing happily, his stage presence shone brightly but it also felt authentic. Time later you would realize when he was on stage he was most honest and truly himself and when he was with you, well you didn’t really know what to belive. 
You stood there in the middle of moving bodies with booming bass pounding in your ears, completely enamored by his presence, and you knew you weren’t the only one. Out of the corner of your eyes you would see all the pretty girls close to the stage raising their hands to touch him, to get his attention. Star power underneath the surface waiting to come out, he was standing at the edge of greatness and didn’t even realize it. Knowing you had actually had him in your bed not so long ago filled you with a weird sense of pride, but seeing their sparkling eyes beaming up at him also gave you a weird sense of jealousy that you knew you had no right to. At some point during his set you felt you had caught his eye and he seemed to smile when he recognized you but quickly looked away so you must have imagined it. Yet when it all ended and people were quickly dispersing after he disappeared back stage you saw security guard signaling to you with his hand when you looked at him he said. 
”You can come backstage.”
Your friend elbowed you with a giggle. “I didn’t know you were a groupie.”
“Neither did I.” You shrugged quickly and waved goodbye to your group to follow the man to the back of the venue.
You moved through long corridors until you reached a small room filled with people drinking and talking that didn't even look up at you. He appeared right in front of you, still shirtless and sweaty with messy hair sticking to his forehead. 
“Hi!” He said still a little breathless before pulling you in.
You looked around, everyone was busy on their own conversations, he had offered you a beer and you took it.
“Brining girls backstage after your show is kinda trashy.” You said with a small smile, he took a sip of his own drink and shrugged lightly. 
“Well I only bring the prettiest ones so it isn’t as bad, no?”
That one had hurt uncomfortably, you didn’t know exactly why so you just took a sip of the beer avoiding his eyes. He noticed your silence and tried to get your attention back, he had been eagerly waiting for your call and when you didn’t he felt stupid for not asking for your number instead.  
“You didn’t call me.” He said matter of factly staring you down, you were hoping he wouldn’t bring it up, not really sure what your excuse should be for that, he continued. “You just used me for my body and threw me out!” He added faking an insulted tone covering at his chest with his hands, you rolled your eyes at him and laughed. 
“You got me” You said all sarcastic.
He giggled then bent down a little to speak directly in your ear. “Then use me again. Or was I that bad?”
You had snorted shaking your head, you blushed deeply, red blooming over your face quickly.  He liked making you laugh, pulling that sweet sound off your lips and making you blush too, you would become so impossibly beautiful when a pretty red blush adorned your face, those became his favorite pastimes in the months he would be with you.
You had taken him back to your place that night and many after. It started a routine of seeing each other multiple times per week and then almost every day for months. He liked how you became bolder every time you did it, glowed more beautiful in the night with the light of the lampshade and became more outspoken about your desires, shy at first but then couldn’t get enough of him, it made him feel desired and important in ways that he hadn't in a long time.  It made him feel wanted like never before, it made his heart ache hoping for more but too scared to ask for it. And he got better too, was eager to listen to your little whimpers and sounds and the things you liked that made you wetter and hungrier.
He genuinely liked you, having sex was great but he enjoyed listening to you talk about your day, things so mundane he wouldn’t even know about but when coming form your lips seemed so interesting. He enjoyed showering together, in the smallest shower he had ever seen, while you giggled and pushed him away when he tried to grab you just to end up making out naked in the couch because otherwise your water bill would be too high. He like learning what foods you liked and which you didn’t, trial and error with each take out he brought when he visited, seeing the way your eyes lit up when he made a good choice and how you had the tiniest of pouts when he made the wrong one but still always so grateful, it made his heart skip a beat every time he could learn a new expression of yours. He just really enjoyed your company and your time, sometimes he would bring food but your would be too busy for anything else so you would just share a meal while you did your university work and he played on his phone or watched TV, those days ended up becoming his favorites even though he never told you, because when you were done you would always just ask him to stay the night saying it was too late for him to leave and he would, he wanted you to ask him to stay forever.
He liked sleeping in your embrace and waking up before you did to look at your calm beauty, but he also often left before you woke up suddenly overwhelmed with the feeling that this was no longer just a fling and he didn’t know what his next step was. 
He would sometimes stumble into your apartment after a show, a little tipsy and all red to the tip of his ears, smelling of smoke but with a pretty smile adorning his face, a face you could never say no to. You didn’t like it at first, the smell of cigarettes would linger on your bed sheets but habit is a nasty monster and then it wouldn’t be so annoying, it would just remind you of him in a nice way even when he was gone by the morning. It also made you feel stupidly important, even though you knew he had no problem finding someone else to entertain his nights, he always seemed to be looking for you no matter how late or inconvenient making his way to your place was. And things were mostly fun, he would talk about music a lot, draw sitting in the little table at your kitchen and just enjoy spending his entire free days curled in your old couch even thought you distantly felt he could probably be doing something more exciting but you never asked because you didn’t want to ruin your own good luck. 
Those honeymoon days kept pilling one onto the other until his presence became a sweet habit and his absence hurt like hell.  He was nice and probably a lot better than some relationships you had had but not everything was perfect, not even close. He seemed to have this mask he would wear for the world, only really honest with his closest ones and you were clearly were not one of them, so you felt like you were staring from outside a window into him and taking whatever crumble of his love he felt comfortable giving you, it made you feel pathetic and so abandoned even when you shared a bed.
You stupidly yearned for more, but knew you wouldn’t get it so you just put on a brave front and kept opening your heart to him hoping soon he would do the same for you. You could tell faintly from the first time you met him he was putting on a persona, that the real man behind that wasn’t willing to come out and meet you and that was okay you kept telling yourself, he was hot and you wanted a warm body at night, that was all. But as the months pilled on, it became lonely, to have virtually a stranger sleeping next to you, someone who would make you cum over and over on his fingers, his mouth, his dick but refused to speak beyond the superficial and was way too good at changing topics when you tried to get closer as if he was slamming a door against your face but with a warm smile plastered on his lips.  
And in truth you were nothing, not real friends and not real lovers. He never once called you his girlfriend in almost a year you had been seeing each other and you never introduced him to your friends. You would meet on nights where it was cold and just play pretend of a life you couldn’t have. Sometimes he would have you backstage with his group and others it would be different girls and you never wanted to learn if he was also sleeping with them or they were just friends, you had no right to know and truly the less you knew the better. He didn’t sleep with them, not really since he met you, it just wasn’t as exciting as watching you remove your makeup while you rambled about annoying projects and evil classmates. Even if he had told you, you wouldn’t have believed him, so he never did. 
The real day things ended between you two happened a couple months before you actually stopped seeing each other. It was a long weekend, he arrived on Thursday night and stayed until Sunday in that little cramped university apartment you rented and that he came to love as if it was part of you. He brought some take out and beer as always and you were just so happy to see him. You spent the whole weekend having sex and eating whatever junk you could get your hands on at some point you stopped bothering putting on clothes that he would just take off. You would eat, fuck, bathe then sleep, wake up and do it all over again so much so the days started melting into each other in a delicious bliss that would last too little. 
Sunday night you were melting into each other’s touch for whatever time it was since he came.  He had looked in your nightstand for the bunch of condoms he brought only to realize too late it was all gone. 
“Fuck.” he whispered, you were underneath him all wet and pliant, ready for his touch. 
“What?” You said looking for what his eyes were searching for and realized. “Oh…”
“I’ll go to the store, give me a minute.” He said starting to get up already thinking about how cold it was outside, how warm your bed was, how pretty you looked and how stupid he was for not bringing more. 
“You don’t have to.” Your voice had felt distant like a whisper, he searched for your face in the dark of the room unsure of if he heard correctly, you looked away avoiding his eyes, you were bright red even in the dark of the room he could tell. “You can do it raw I don’t mind.” You mumbled against the pillows.
His dick had been harder than ever before. “Are you sure liefde?” 
He wanted to, of course he wanted to, had been dreaming about it constantly since the first time you had sex and would fantasize about it when he was away doing some show when he masturbated with your beautiful image in his mind.
“Yeah, I want you.” You had met his gaze, he kissed you slow deeply, like it was the first time he touched you. 
He had taken his time kissing at every nook and cranny of your body, softly massaging at your tired limbs, warming up his way with kisses and asking constantly if you felt good. You kept whimpering with soft tears streaming from your eyes from pleasure and from love at his ministrations, he had his fingers deep into you touching you softly like you could break while petting at your swollen clit, making sure you were ready to take him. When you had felt your climax building up you had pushed at his wrist. 
“I want to cum with you.” You whined. 
He knew in that moment he was in love with you, no matter how hard he had tried to avoid it the feeling just wouldn’t go away and now it was biting viciously at his heart threatening to tear him apart.
He nodded and slid slowly into you asking if you were alright all the way through as you nodded. When he finally bottomed out he stopped moving for a minute so overwhelmed by everything, he kissed at your forehead, at your cheeks, at your pretty nose and deep at your sweet lips. He kept his forehead against yours, thrusting fast in and pulling out painfully slow, your mouths were inches apart, breathing in the same air, lips brushing against each other in perpetual kiss, he reached so deep you could almost feel him in your lungs it was so delicious it made your brain stop working so you blurted out.
“I love you Joost.”
He suddenly pounded hard into you, his hips stuttered as he came without a warning and collapsed on top of you, his full weight on your body, panting heavily right on your ear. He gave you a few more weak thrust as he rode his high with you clinging to his back. 
“Fuck schat feels so good, so good.” He whimpered as held you close to his chest, you felt his heart beating wildly, felt his release paint your walls, and when he pulled out you felt cum start to trickle from your thighs. When he could finally regain his composure a little he looked up at you with beautiful blue eyes. 
“Sorry liefde, you felt too good.” He smiled up at you apologetic.
You loved and hated when he used pet names on you, loved it because it made you feel special and hated them because he would only use them in the middle of sex so he couldn’t be too serious about it.
He was never a selfish lover, he quickly gathered himself up and grabbed at the back of your thighs pushing them to your chest. 
“Hold for me yes?” He had said, you followed his instructions blindly before you saw him disappear between your legs, you felt his warm tongue lapping at your cunt deeply moaning into you sending delicious waves of pleasure up your spine, you were already so close you wouldn’t last at all.
“Joost!” You had screamed, the delicious sensation and the surprise at what he was doing right after cumming inside you mixing into one.
He pushed his fingers deep into your heat to keep you full, pumped into you at slow steady pace while his lips closed around your clit sucking generously and in no time you were coming undone under his touch, he kept licking you through your high prolonging it as much as he could before he felt you pull away from his touch with overstimulation. When you were done he raised his head from between your legs again, chin and mouth wet with your and his release and a proud expression on his face, he wiped at his mouth with the back of his hand before laying in bed next to you and pulling you to his chest.
“Isn’t it gross?” You had asked when you could finally breath again so bewildered at what he had just done.
He laughed like the question itself was stupid. “No, not really. Nothing that makes you feel good could be gross to me.” 
He had left in the morning without acknowledging what you said that night. 
You tried to ignore how he didn't reply to your confession, tried to push it behind, tried not to feel pathetic about it. You tried to console yourself by imagining you were probably part of a club of girls he had taken to bed who had accidentally blurted out love confessions in the middle of it, yeah right, that has to have happened to someone else too, right? He was just so charismatic and beautiful you saw the way the front rows at his shows were always adorned with the prettiest girls and if you were not the only one this had happened to then it was less embarrassing. Except it wasn’t, because the thought of him being with other girls made you want to puke. After that you kept seeing him because clearly you had a complete lack of self respect or perhaps you were in love and couldn’t decide which one was worse. 
You remember the day he called you for the last time so well even when you have tried again and again to forget it. You were cooking dinner and just answered his video call while you kept moving around the kitchen. You talked for a bit about some university drama but could tell his mind was elsewhere, at this point you knew better than to push him because what he didn't want to share with you he simply wouldn’t say, you were painfully used to his selective silence. 
Finally he ended the suspense and he spoke. “I’m gonna be gone for over a month.” He sounded uncharacteristically formal and cold in a way you had never heard from him before but you didn’t notice it at the time.
“Oh.” you had said plainly as you continued chopping vegetables. 
To this day he wishes you would have looked at him at least once, then he wouldn’t have been strong enough to say what he did.
“I mean, you can sleep with others you know? You don’t have to wait for me.”
The sound of the knife on the cutting board was the only thing that made cut through the heavy silence inside the tiny apartment, you held onto that knife for dear life as if if you let go of it you would crumble instantly and you couldn’t do that in front of him.
“I see.” You mumbled feeling your eyes burn with tears you were holding back.
So he would also sleep with others right? That is what he wanted to say, he was just looking for a way to softly let you down, to let you know that whatever you had going on had become boring and stale and he was going to visit new cities every night and get his fill of as many pretty girls as he would meet and you would become nothing but a fuzzy image in the rear-view mirror of his life. You felt your heart breaking into dust at the realization that you were nothing to him, that you had always been nothing to him.
He had looked at you through the screen waiting to see if you would say something else, tell him you didn’t want that or curse him out for being so cowardly, for not even being able to face you, but you didn’t. 
“I have to finish this.”
Before he got another word out you ended the call with shaky hands, not even once looking up at him and those were the last words he would hear from your mouth for four years. 
You moved away. You couldn’t stand the thought of running into him, the thought of accidentally seeing him with someone else, you felt you recognized him in the shadows and it made you feel like you were going crazy. So right before he was set to come back you made the decision, quickly made arrangements for a program you had been eyeing at some point but didn’t want to commit to, however right now it was the perfect excuse to leave and never have to look back, never have to sleep again in that bed you once shared, never once having to be alone again in that tiny apartment where so many times you had fallen in love with him and that now felt like a prison collapsing on top of you. 
During tour you had stopped answering his texts and calls, that was fine, he felt he deserved it, but he wanted to make it up to you. At the time when he told you you could sleep with others he hadn’t really meant it, and he didn't do it either, he couldn't stop thinking about you even for a second but he had just felt guilty for making you wait so long even thought he was not even you boyfriend, so he thought this way it would be fine, less selfish with you, give you the opportunity to escape him. However, all he had done was hurt you and break his own heart in the process too. But he could still make it right, when he got back he would take you out, to a proper date in a nice restaurant because you deserved it, you deserved the moon and the stars and he had been an idiot for trying to pretend like he wasn’t deeply stupidly foolishly in love with you. He had bought you this perfume you mentioned once and he would talk to you properly, he would make things right again, he kept repeating himself, and he would figure out what he wanted of you.
When he actually came back you were nowhere to be found, painfully late he realized that you had never introduced him to your friends, never once told him exactly were you worked at or the name of your university and he had been so stupid and full of himself he didn’t bother to learn. Now all too late he realized he had no way of tracking you down. You had gone up in the wind leaving with a piece of his heart he didn’t even realize he had given you. 
As such is life you were back in Amsterdam, four years later. You didn’t feel paranoid that you would run into him anymore, rarely ever thought of him honestly and when you did it was almost a weird funny melancholia. Since then he had become a much bigger star than he would have ever envisioned and you felt a weird sort of pride that you had had a fling with someone like that. You never told anyone aside from a couple of really close friends who had had to dry your tears when everything went wrong but now it was fine. It was a healed wound that only ever really bothered you on cold days, but that was normal you kept telling yourself. You had met for a moment of your lives and were now old strangers, that was all that was left.
At least you thought so until one day after work while you are binge watching some series in your new apartment while shoveling take out into your mouth your phone rings. You had gotten lucky enough to get the same number as before and thought it could serve you to reconnect with some old friends from university but you didn’t even imagine who would be on the other side of the line. 
“Hello.” You say distracted still chewing, you don’t recognize the caller ID.
“Hey.” The voice sounds shaky, nervous, deeper, distantly familiar, no, you are lying to yourself, you know exactly who it is but you wish with everything you have that you are wrong.
“Who is this?” You ask in silent prayer that it is just a telemarketer and just your brain playing a bad joke on you.
“I know it has been a while but I didn’t expect you to not recognize me.” He says laughing uncomfortably, knows he has no right to be calling but still wants you to answer. “It is Joost, I’m Joost I mean.” He sounds stupid, he feels embarrassed, he feels himself blushing, his palms are sweaty holding tightly at the phone until his knuckles turn white.
“Oh.” Your voice sounds like a whisper.
“Listen I- I heard that you were back, I thought-” He stops, takes a deep breath he can’t hear you anymore, wonders if you already hung up, it would be deserved but it would still hurt like hell. “I was wondering if you would want to have dinner with me to catch up?” 
─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───
Part 2
MASTERLIST *ੈ✩‧₊˚ A/N: lets decide together!
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pastlivesxpastlie · 4 months ago
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so I can have you to myself...for once
summary: new boyfriend!virgin!vessel thinks the world of you and can't think of a better way to show it than giving himself to you completely
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vessel x fem!reader 𐙚
head's up/tags: switchy desperate lovesick vessel, sweet gone feral, smut with feelings, loss of virginity (lots of checking in and sensitivity), new established relationship, vessel is touch starved and simping, pet names (craziest one is puppy-girl tbh), p in v, dirty talk
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Something Vessel didn’t tell you when you first matched on Tinder was that he was…well…how would he have even put it? Touch starved? Desperate? Needy? But you seemed to understand that. You were always holding hands while walking, or in a tight embrace if you were waiting at a crosswalk, or your legs and feet were touching while you sat. You get the idea. As much as he enjoyed the affection, he needed more. While he didn’t out himself as being, well, completely desperate for any kind of physical affection, he was upfront about being a virgin. Sure, he’d fooled around. He’d been blown plenty of times backstage and at parties…and yes he knows where the clitiros AND g-spot are, thank you for asking. But it never led to intercourse. In fact, it didn’t always lead to a relationship or a text back. A lot of times the timing was just off or the person was wrong for him or neither party wanted to. Which was completely understandable, but he had started to wonder if something was wrong with him. That was until he met you.
You were witty, kind, fun. Easy to talk to. And deeply into him. Vessel understood the allure of him. His aura and what came with it physically but otherwise he couldn't understand why you would want to stick around for more. Yeah sure he put himself out there on Tinder during a break from tour and he wanted the attention, but you…you were an angel. You made him take a step back and really consider what he’d been doing all this time. The drive to feel someone and something from others was strong for him. The sex he’d had wasn’t “consummating” by the wider society’s standards, and he was at peace with that, but he finally saw some truth in “saving yourself for the right person.” And it all came from a very sweet genuine place. He thought the world of you! But the other drive... To taste. To ravish. To fuck. That was very much running in the background.
When you two started having serious conversations about your histories and preferences, he was nervous. When he admitted that he’d never actually fucked someone, you chuckled just the tiniest bit, making him blush. 
 “What’s so funny?”
You just shook your head and looked past him, trying to keep a level head.  “I’m not laughing at you. Just myself.”
“Oh. Why…at you?”
“Because I could have really fucked things up. Do you know how hard it is to be good around you? To not just…rip your clothes off every time you come over? To not immediately drop to my knees with my tongue out like a greedy little puppy-girl?” You paused and met his gaze. Poor guy was blushing and breathing like he’d been out in the heat. “I don’t want to scare you. It’s not like I would push you or anything, but I’m glad I know. If you’d ever like to…you know…do something with me. Just let me know. I think we could have a lot of fun together.”
And that’s when Vessel started loving you and simultaneously cursing you. Loving you because you were so sweet, and patient, and gorgeous, and fun, and thoughtful and and and(at this point whoever was listening would pat his shoulder and say, “we get it, mate, you’re whipped”). But he cursed the day he mentioned being a virgin to you because he couldn’t get that image out of his head: you on your knees, begging for his cock. You saw all his scars and flaws and still wanted him in the rawest, most basic way. That blew his mind.
On the night you two finally slept together, you stayed out later than usual. Probably past midnight. But you don’t care. He clung to you all night at that stupid party and tried to make out with you in the Uber like a horny teenager. It was adorable. He was adorable. Back at your place, you fiddle for your keys on the darkened porch, which was quite difficult with a giggly man clinging to you. 
“Use your phone light,” Vessel says as he holds your waist and kisses your neck.
You let out a playful, exasperated sigh. “You use your phone light! My hands are full!” Finally the front door opens, and you both clamber in. Vessel’s hands find your waist again and pull you in for a frantic kiss. His hands can’t stay still as he clutches your plush ass but then trails all the way back up to grasp your hair. With a moan he pulls away.
“I think… I want to try it tonight.”
The giddiness and giggliness doesn’t stop once you fall onto your bed, making out and attempting to undress each other. Vessel kicks off his shoes and hesitantly moves away from you so he can take off his jeans. You lean back on your elbows, shaking your head softly. “So eager for me,” you chuckle.
He stands before you in his boxer briefs after he’s taken his shirt off, just taking in the sight of you. His fingers twitch by his side…and so does his cock. You like what you see and feel yourself propelled forward. Onto your knees. “Gonna take care of me, babe?” he asks with a shaky breath. He whimpers softly and bites his lip as you smirk up at him with a little smirk as your fingers lightly trace the waistband of his underwear and his happy trail. On the inside, he’s a mess. He feels the need to claim you as his. He doesn’t even really care about losing his virginity. Vessel just wants to know he’s been with you. The thought of screwing up tonight and not fucking you makes him cringe. He can’t take another night of fucking his stupid little fleshlight and sucking his own fingers pretending both holes are yours. When you ask if you can take his boxers off, he nods dumbly and bites his lip. He thinks he must have blacked out because suddenly your tongue glides from base to tip. Such a pretty smile on your face, too.
“Take your dress off. Please. Please, baby,” he pleads.You shake your head “no” with a little wink as you take his cock deeper into your mouth, nose almost touching him. “Fuck. My girl is talented,” he says as his chest starts to heave a little, “mmm please I…I want to see you.” He can barely get the words out as you let your tongue drag up the underside of his cock. As your lips pass over the head, Vessel’s panting turns into little whimpery moans. “Please.” You gaze up at him through half lidded eyes and see that he’s chewing on his lip and shaking…he wants to manhandle you. He needs to act out. “Fuck it.” Vessel takes your jaw in his hand and holds you so that you’re looking up at him.
“I am done begging. This is me telling you. Take your fucking dress off for me.”
His voice is firm. Dark. Lustful. 
“Yes sir,” is all you can manage before pulling the straps down. You stand up and let the satin-y material pool around your tummy. Vessel curses and growls under his breath as his eyes trail down your bare chest, his hands then pulling your dress further down your plush waist and hips. The feeling of his thumbs hooking the waistband of your panties makes you gasp a little. Vessel just shakes his head and chuckles as he undresses you. 
“You’ve already sucked my cock like it was nothing and yet me undressing you embarrasses you? And here…I thought you would be bossing me around tonight. You’ve folded, hm?”
“I uhm��heh.” You can’t even finish your thought as he pulls your hair back so you look straight up at him. “Got…got too excited I guess.”
“Hm,” he hums with amusement, “like a greedy puppy-girl. All bark…but you have any bite for me? Hmm?”
You stammer as he pushes you back on the bed. There’s something in how he maneuvers you that feels calculated. Practiced. “Ves…babe…? Are you sure you’ve never done this?”
He laughs as he lays atop you, his cock rubbing against your tummy. You can feel him quivering as your nude bodies touch for the first time. Vessel steadies his breath and whispers into your neck, “baby, if you had kept sucking me any longer I was going to lose it…but just because I’ve never been fucked doesn’t mean I don’t think about it.” His cock twitches between you both. “I know what I’m doing. And…dammit I know I’m going to just absolutely…” he pauses as his fingers mash against your clit “…drain myself so fast once I’m inside you. My pretty girl.” He trails wet, sucking kisses down your shoulder, breathing heavily as he poses a question. “I know you think about this. Has it made you cum?” You grit your teeth and whimper as his middle finger enters you and starts to fuck you. 
“Veeeeessssss fuck, baby…s’not nice to ask me something…while you…fuck.” He’s relishing in you trying to answer as he adds a second finger. Your hips buck against his fingers as he kisses your forehead and coos about what a sexy little thing you are. You can’t help the whines coming from you as he pulls his fingers from your needy pussy. All sense in your head flies out the window when he sucks his fingers clean and tastes you for the very first time. “What happened to my sweet, timid boyfriend?” you ask breathlessly.
Vessel plants a soft, deep kiss on your lips as he nudges the head of his cock against your entrance. You find yourself giggling breathlessly as he peppers your face with kisses before he rubs his nose against yours and whispers. “Still him. Just taking what you’ve so very kindly offered me…fuck…you gonna let me in, love?”
You nod softly and whimper as he pushes in. A pathetic, throaty moan ripples through him as he bottoms out. You’d never been someone’s first. It was a bit surprising but very endearing to see him go from feral and touch starved to blushy and pussy-drunk. Vessel wants to move. To feel your hot body against his…to hear you…to kiss you…to have any simultaneous feedback. His lust reciprocated. 
The instinct to care for him kicks in. You hold his face and whisper. “You feel so good inside me…you do baby…I want you so bad… Do you feel good?” His eyebrows knit together and he whimpers softly, wincing like he’s in pain. But he nods. “Do you want me to take care of you?” He nods again and buries his face in your neck. God his cock is throbbing hard inside you. Your hips buck sensually against him, riding from beneath. 
“Oh…fuck…you’re actually…you’re fucking me…you’re fucking me…” he whimpers pathetically. He winces and bites his lip. “Stop, baby.” 
“Are you ok?”
Vessel looks down at you with hazy, dreamy eyes and nods. “This is heaven. You are heaven.” His mouth goes to your nipple while he maneuvers one of your legs over his arm. “What did I do to deserve this…hm? Smart, beautiful girl with a perfect pussy…you shouldn’t have been single,” he whispers as he moves to kiss your lips. You both moan into the kiss, which makes his hips twitch. You feel the first tentative little thrusts and make sure to nod and “mhm” throughout the kiss to encourage him. He breaks the kiss, panting and quivering. You’re about to ask if he wants a break but he looks you dead in the eyes and gulps. “I love you, but I’m feeling a little overwhelmed. You’re driving me crazy. I’ve…I’ve wanted this for so long…and doing it with you I just…darling….” He trails off, thrusting slowly, making your eyes roll back from the stretch and feeling of his pubic bone meeting yours. You can tell he’s holding back. Holding his breath.
“Ves…Ves, babe…breathe with me. You’re ok…you feel so fucking good.”
“I can’t stand it…I have to…I need to…”
The look in his eyes betrays the sweet pout of his lips. He wants to claim you. Shape your insides to him. “Do it. I can take it.” 
He growls in your ear with a little chuckle, “you’re not one of my toys. I don’t want to hurt you…” He takes a shaky breath and cups your breast with his free hand, his other resting above your head.
“I trust you. And love you. You look sexy up there, ya know?” You say with a smile, trying to lighten the mood. He responds with another chuckle and kisses you deeply. You both get lost in each other and then he finds his rhythm again. You have no concept of how long he actually lasts. And you don’t care. When he cums he keeps fucking it into you, his face buried in the crook of your neck as he cries out your name…little curses…broken moans. 
The next morning, he spoons you. Pressing his morning wood against you and whining about how you didn’t cum last night. “I know I don’t know everything yet, babes, but maybe I could just poke around…play a little? Please?” 
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fictionalreads · 7 months ago
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This Was Never Meant to Be What It Feels Like
A/N: Hey y'all! I'm not really a writer so this is my first time posting any writing here on Tumblr, but I'm apparently incapable of not thinking about Armando (*Whatta Man by Salt-N-Pepa plays in my head) so this kind of...happened. I figured I'd share ☺️ Also, I know Armando thinks Aretas is his dad in the movies but I changed it a bit.
Title is from Satisfaction by SiR (if you haven't heard it do yourself a favor and go listen)
Pairing: Armando Aretas x Original Female Character
Fandom: Bad Boys Movies
Prompt: Shay (OC) wants to get to know Armando better and figures her best bet is to ask when he's...relaxed.
Warnings ⚠️: Uh...complicated parental relationships. Talk of smut, but no actual smut.
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“Tell me something.”
“Hm?”
Shay kept her focus on drawing invisible shapes on Armando’s shoulder with her finger. Her blue stiletto shaped nails going down almost to his elbow before finding its way back up to his collar bone. It was something she did often after they had sex and she knew it calmed him much like it was now. His breathing had slowed into something calmer than the frantic breaths of ten minutes ago when he was trying to catch his breath. The open window blew in a decent ocean breeze, adding to the peaceful feeling in her bedroom. She tried to play it cool, like she wasn’t disturbing the moment, wasn’t asking him to do the one thing she knew he hated - opening up.
Shay had been seeing Armando for about three months now, and she knew next to nothing about the man. She knew it was a red flag, hell she knew he probably wasn’t a law abiding citizen, but she couldn’t help it. 
There was something so magnetizing, so sensual about his presence. He commanded attention even though she got the feeling he wanted nothing more than to blend in and be lowkey. She couldn’t help but notice the way he held himself, the way he spoke and moved with the confidence of a man who was sure of himself. Don’t get her started on the way he smelled - it was divine and pure man.
The point was basically this - he was a ten but he refused to tell her more about himself.
Shay was determined to get to know him better, because despite playing things close to his chest, she was in love with him. She didn’t know his last name, but she knew he would bring her flowers and food if she was having a bad day just to make her smile. She didn’t know what he did for a living - honestly, part of her was glad for this if it was illegal as she was imagining. Plausible deniability. - but she knew if she needed him to, he would fix anything she needed him to or at least find someone who could. She didn’t know what his crucible entailed that made him like this, but she knew he loved her like she was something precious.
So she was taking the risk that this would blow up in her face. “Tell me something about you that I don’t know.” She kissed his chest, like she was softening the blow of the question. Not that she needed to, it was an open ended question on purpose. The more freedom she gave about the topic, the more likely he was to answer.
He gently shifted her to the pillow as he lifted himself on his elbow, facing her with a suspicious look on his face. “Like what?” God, what she wouldn’t give to take whatever hurt that made him so distrustful of her just wanting to know him away. Who had betrayed him? Who took advantage of his trust and made him so wary of genuine love?
She thought over her answer, a million topics coming to mind but needing to pick one that wouldn’t have him shutting down immediately. Armando had let the conversation start but he could end it if she said the wrong thing.
“Your family.” She could feel him pulling away as if it was physically happening so she quickly explained her choice. “Did you grow up with siblings? Are your parents married?” Bare minimum. 
It seemed to have worked he looked at her as if debating what to say, if anything, before laying back down and staring at the ceiling. The relaxed man that was in her bed mere minutes ago, gone. Now he was tense, as if ready for a fight. She slowly and obviously resumed her previous position on his chest, giving him time to tell her no if he needed the space. Her nails went back to their drawings in the hopes of calming him enough to talk. He took a breath before, “I grew up an only child. My mom was my world, she taught me everything I knew.”
Her nails stopped moving. “Was?” It was the word that caught the most of her attention out of everything he just said.
“She passed away a few years ago.” His face was blank, as if he was just stating a fact of life rather than talking about the death of the person that raised him and whom he clearly loved.
Shay rubbed the shoulder she wasn’t laying on in an effort to comfort him.“I’m sorry to hear that.” Armando shrugged it off but she could tell it still hurt him. “What about your dad?”
“Our relationship is…complicated at best. He wasn’t around for most of my life. We were introduced a few months before my mom died. I didn’t even know who he was to me until my mom told me on her deathbed.” 
“You never asked your mom about him before?”
“If there was one thing I knew about my father growing up, it was that my mom hated him. She always told me that he left us behind and didn’t look back at all. As a kid I was curious but as I got older, I started to hate him too. I mean he was supposed to love my mom, and he turned on her and left me behind like I was trash. Fuck ‘im. Now I know it wasn’t so black and white.”
“How so?”
“The few times my mom spoke about him, she always heavily implied that he knew she was pregnant with me and left anyway. Looking back, she never said the words. When I confronted my father about it, he said they were a doomed couple that wasn’t ever going to last. They were both too selfish. Said he didn’t even know she had been pregnant until we met.”
“Sounds like he cares. I mean if he knew do you think he would have been around?”
“There’s no doubt in my mind he would have been there, raised me. I know he loves me, that he just wants what’s best for me, but I’m just having a hard time accepting it. I spent so much time hating him that reconciling this truth with this perception I’ve always had of him is hard.”
“Not to mention it means confronting that you didn’t know your mom as well as you thought you did. The woman she was to you isn’t the woman she was to others.”
“And she’s not here to explain it, which just makes me mad all over again. He’s usually the target of my anger.”
“Makes sense to me.” She shrugged in response to his questioning look. “He’s here. Add in the fact that he wasn’t there for so long its easy to blame him for a lot.”
“Yeah,” he agreed.
Like a flip had been switched, he once again moves her onto the bed and hovers over her.
“Enough about them. Talking is not exactly what I had in mind for us tonight,” he pleads. 
She could see the desperation and fear in his eyes. She had a feeling that being that honest with her scared him. He wasn’t exactly the vulnerable type and telling her all this put him on display in the most raw way, an unknown for him. It also meant he had to be honest with himself about he felt, something she didn’t think happened a lot. He wanted to escape the real hurt he was feeling about it all, he didn’t want to face what the truth might mean for his memory of his mother. If a reprieve is what he needed, she could do that for him. She would do that for him.
She bit her bottom lip, looking at him through her lashes, feeling herself get wet at his suggestive tone and slight touches. “What did you have in mind?”
❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥
The next morning she woke up alone, his side of the bed cold. This wasn’t an unusual occurrence as he often left before she woke. She was used to him leaving and coming back randomly, sometimes being gone for days. After their conversation and the way he seemed to just need her last night, she figured this was coming. Something told her him leaving was different this time, that she had pushed him too far. She had the sickening feeling that he wasn’t coming back.
Round two had been fast and rough, needy in a way. Round three had been teasing and playful, like he was apologizing for being so rough before. Round four was…slow and passionate, reverent almost.
It felt like a goodbye.
A/N: 🫣So how'd I do? Let me know in the comments. Likes and reblogs are always appreciated! OH AND HOW SHOULD I TAG THIS?! Anything I should add to get more people to see it?
Part 2 Part 3
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stoirmeachapas · 8 months ago
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just enough
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warnings: nightmares and paige being annoying but thats lowkey it this ones kinda cute
request: hi!!! i loved you nika headcannons. would you be open to writing about her? i rlly feel like you’re hc abt her match up so well
nika mühl x reader
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the warmth of my blankets encompassed me in, the weight of the soft fabric holding me down. i don’t really know how i was still awake, considering it was almost 1 a.m.
its not like i was staying awake, i was actually trying to sleep.
my room was small, but comfy. the only light was a streetlight gleaming through the window. it had one bed, a nightstand and, a dresser. a uconn ncaa banner was pitched above the bed. my dorm-room was surprisingly quiet, the only sound being a small floor fans whirring.
the silence was interrupted was a quiet jingle from the door handle. the metal clicked and the door creaked open, and a tall brunette girl poked her head in. “hey niks. couldn’t sleep again?”
“how’d you know?” she spoke sarcastically, shrugging while she walked in. the door closed quietly behind her. sometimes when nika can’t sleep, she finds her way into my room. after what was probably the 20th time this happened, i gave her an extra key so i didn’t have to get up to let her in.
i scooted closer to the wall to make space as she stumbled her way over. nika lifted the covers up and slipped under them, instantly moving closer to me. she gave me a quick smile before rolling over, facing away. “thanks. for you know. this?”
“yeah… i don’t mind,” i traced little shapes on her back while we talked. i drew a dog and a house and two girl standing outside of it before she moved. nika sunk further into the bed, “i was kind of worried you would.”
“why would it bother me? its really nice when you’re here.” she giggled before turning back towards me, making eye contact in the dark. “do you really think i would give you a key if it bothered me?”
she had really nice eyes, and they were looking right in mine. and the way she talked was so perfect, “i guess i never thought about it that way.” she blinked and it broke me out if my trance, but i was pulled back in the second i could see them again. the chocolate brown swirled around, darker on the inside and lighter on the outside. it had such a sweet look to it and the colour highlighted her face.
nika sighed and then we just layed there in silence, but it wasn’t awkward. nothing needed to be said. the presence of each other being there was just enough.
but i had to break it. i don’t really know why. “are you sure your doing okay?”
she seemed taken aback, her eyes loosing the happiness they had seconds prior to my words. “i- why wouldn’t i be?” she was laying so close to me that i could feel her breath shaking while she spoke, a nervousness coating her expressions.
“niks, i’m just worried about your sleep and stuff. you come in here saying that you cant sleep more often then not,” she pulled the covers slightly closer, twisting the edge lightly with her fingers. “and theres nothing wrong with you coming in here, but is something keeping you up at night?”
“its not like its important or anything.”
“yes it is.”
even though she was laying down she still crossed her arms and gave me a you should be quiet look. “why?”
“because your important. and i care.” a strand of hair fell in front of her face and she blew at it to try and get rid of it, but it kept ended up right back in her face. frustration grew over her face. after she started mumbling swears at it, i tucked it behind her ear.
“why do you care?” she spat, calmness buried underneath her mean tone.
“i don’t know, why are you interrogating me now?”
“you know i didn’t come here for a heart to heart. i came here to sleep.”
“i guess we don’t always get what we want.”
she took in a deep breath, “i’ve been have these nightmares, where i cant do anything right. and coach gets mad at me, then the rest of the team follows,”
“and nobody will talk to me, because i keep messing the plays up. not even you will talk to me.”
“and it gets to the point where nobody will look at me, because they’re ashamed for me. or at me, i’m not really sure. and in the end, i just stop loving basketball.” her voice cracks with those last words and it breaks my heart. and as the tears she was holding back slowly make their way over her waterline and onto her face, i pull her into a hug.
her voice was all squeaky and wobbly, “i just don’t want to be a failure.” nikas face was pressed against my chest, a wet spot appearing on my t-shirt.
“no. look at me,”
nika peered up at me, eyes still glossy with tears. “you are not a failure. you never will be, okay? we all love you so much. i love you so much.”
“yeah.” she sniffled out. my hand held her head close the myself, playing with her hair. my other hand scratched her back, trailing under her shirt slightly.
she wiped her tears with her sleeve before cuddling back in, “your a good friend.” she mumbled into the crook of my neck, her lips brushing lightly over my skin as she spoke.
she was still there when i woke up, snoring lightly. her leg was thrown over me and her arms were still wrapped around my waist. nika was practically a koala, but i didn’t mind.
i was just glad she was there.
most if the time when she came in the night, we wouldn’t talk at all and she would be gone by the time i was awake. usually i was asleep when she got there too. sometimes i didn’t even know she was in my room until she mentions it sometime during the day.
i trusted her, entirely.
it didn’t matter to me if she came in and out throughout the night and the morning.
after awhile, we just stopped talking about it. if she was there, then cool. we didn’t need to have a conversation about why.
im not sure what was different about last night and this morning. but i liked it. i liked talking to her, and i liked having her with me.
she was a cute sleeper too. her messy hair still looked perfect. i could just lay there forever, it was peaceful. but we weren’t going to, because nika woke up. she yawned and stretched her arms up, nudging me in the face with one. “g’morning.”
she peeled herself off of me, smiling up. “good morning. whats the time?”
i shrugged, “i dunno.”
nika got out of the bed, grabbing my hands and pulling me up with her. she didn’t let go when she started to talk, “hey, I’m sorry about last night.”
i smiled at her, it was more of a sad smile though. my thumb traced over her hand, “don’t be. everybody needs somebody.”
she squeezed both of my hands before pulling me into a hug, pressing a quick kiss to the side of my head. “no, i- you said you loved me, and i didn’t say it back. so i’m sorry about that.”
“its fine.”
she spoke quietly, almost like a whisper, “i do love you too, by the way.” she smiled.
i held her face in my hands, “good.” i pressed a light kiss to her chin. “you better love me.”
god, her smile was perfect too. she giggled and smiled again. “ill see you at practice?”
“three hours mühl. trust me, ill be there.” she pulled me into a hug, patting my back.
she pulled away, heading towards the door. “bye bye!”
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i walked into practice with my bag slung over my shoulder, barely awake.
i had fallen asleep again after nika had left, only waking up because paige barged into my room, woke me up by scaring me, then still made fun of my scream.
then she forced me to make her waffles, then complained that i had no butter. like…?
i held my head in my hands, rubbing my temples. “p be quiet, for one second please?”
“but-”
“paige. shh.” i took a sip of water and began walking towards the court, not realizing she was multiple steps behind me. at that point, it was too late.
she ran at me and jumped onto my back which sent up both onto the floor, laughing hysterically. i was curled into a ball holding my stomach because it was so funny it hurt. “paige, why?” i laughed out, hitting her over the head for payback.
“oh you did not”
she shot onto her feet and grabbed me, hoisting me onto my feet. i wiggled out of her grip and started to run away, laughing at her as she chased after.
i ran into a brunette girl, grabbing her shoulders in putting her between me and paige. “help! nika, help me please.”
“what did you do?”
i wheezed as i spoke because i was out if breath. “i-”
the blonde girl cut me off, “she hit me.”
“you practically tackled me!”
paige smirked before running around nika towards me, hitting me over the head. she laughed as she ran away, “paige! i’m done.” i spoke as i lied on the floor, staring up at the ceiling.
nika leaned above me, shaking her head while smiling, “get up,” she spoke, dragging out her words.
i groaned and rolled over onto my stomach, ignoring her.
her hands wrapped around my waist, trying to pull me onto my feet. “put me down. its colder on the floor.”
“no.”
once my feet were on the ground, i turned around to face her. i didn’t realize how close she was, because our faces were an inch apart. “not so bad up here, huh?”
“its horrible. i’m getting water.”
she snickered as i walked away, finding paige again. i walked over to the benches, grabbing my water from my bag.
“hm. look what the cat dragged in”
i turned to face the girl, “paige. what?” i sighed, “what are you talking about?”
“nevermind. i have a question.” the blonde sat down next to me, leaning to whisper into my ear, “what up with you and niks?”
“nothing! what?”
“you know what i mean,” she wiggled her eyebrows at me, “i mean she totally likes you.”
“first of all, shes just my friend and my teammate. second of all, this is very random.”
she stood up, putting her hands on her hips. “it would be cute.”
“i guess.”
paige made an explosion sound and motion with her hands. “so you admit to it?”
“fine, yes. shes cute.” the blonde pulled me into a hug and swayed back and forth. “ill make it happen.”
im shutting this idea down. “no, p. your doing nothing.”
“but-” i held a single finger to her lips, silencing her, “shhh.”
“please just let me! trust me it will go perfect.”
i closed my water bottle, placing it down next to me. i went to answer her but coach walked in, the rest of the ream following behind. “alright. lets get started! running laps! go!”
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i was so sore. my legs felt like jello and everything hurt. i was laying on my bed on my stomach, scrolling on my phone. it was quiet, until nika came to my dorm again. she normally never came twice in a row, but i didn’t mind. “hey. whats up?”
“i need to talk to you.”
she was fiddling with her fingers and sweatshirts sleeves, a nervous expression pasted over her face. “i was talking to paige after practice today, and i-, uhm.”
“oh god.” i pulled my knees to my chest while sitting up in bed. breaking my eye contact with nika.
she closed the door and sat down in the beanbag chair in the corner of my room. “is it true?”
“yes,” i think i might kill paige. “niks, i don’t want things to to be weird.”
she stood up from the beanbag chair on the floor and walked over to the bed, sitting down next to me. “it wont be.”
“why, i thi-” i never got to finish my sentence.
nika grabbed the side of my face and placed her lips on mine, smiling into it. my hands made their way to her neck before she pulled away. “thats why.”
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mrs-kodzuken · 3 months ago
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half of a whole - hajime i.
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synopsis: being abused, mentally and physically, caused you to resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms (TW) and made you feel even worse when you knew your soulmate could feel every ounce of pain you felt too. running away to give yourself a better life right out of high school, you managed to run into the one person who somehow knows you like the back of his hand (soulmate!au, self-harm mentions [not explicit], age gap, older!iwa, mentions of homelessness, long fic)
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You never gave a thought to how your soulmate would be feeling this, it honestly never crossed your mind. Living in a situation where you're always worried about the next temper tantrum that your parents might have lives in your mind constantly.
Having to share this pain with someone who was fated to you hurt indescribably. You never wanted abusive parents, more so, you never wanted to cope by self-harming either. You tried to shove the thought to the back of your mind and focus on the now.
Another empty beer bottle flew past your head, you felt the sharp air against your face before it crashed and broke into the wall. That definitely brought you back to the now. Your father was drunk, again. It also worsened when he was never sober for even an hour, leading to this rampage.
Between the fighting, the overly loud TVs that would keep you up, the lack of food in the pantries, and the physical and verbal abuse your so-called parents 'graced' you with, it was hard to survive.
You finally made it out of the house, having been trying to be as quiet as possible before your mother could start screaming and calling you all kinds of obscenities.
Blowing a sigh of relief, you were able to walk to work. You had a part-time job, which recently became a full-time job since you graduated, a job that you made it to every day, no matter what.
It was the key to getting out of this hell hole that you lived in too. You were so close in savings to buy a car and have racked up a good amount of experience in food and serving.
The cool wind blew past your face, enlightening a shiver out of you and goosebumps appeared on your arms. It was mid-October, and it was nearing to be very cold outside soon.
Not only did the cold weather make you freeze but it also made your thighs ache from your past unhealthy habits of coping with the parents you have. Being clean was hard, but getting out of here was even harder and you needed to be sane to do that, you thought.
Arriving at your safe haven every day for seven days a week was a blessing that you humbly enjoyed. The warmth caressed you and made you feel safe and even enticed a smile from your face.
"Now there's my favorite employee." Your manager calls over the counter. She slightly knew that things were bad at home but never mentioned it to you, knowing you always got uncomfortable with that kind of situation.
So, she made work feel like the home you never got to have.
"Hi, I'll be here till close again." You softly smiled, glad that she paid you well and enough to keep you saving good money.
"Of course, go ahead and wash up, kiddo. Don't forget bonuses go out today before your shift is over!" She said over her shoulder as you walked into the back to put your raggedy zip up jacket you've had since you were in junior high.
Your manager fed you, on rare occasions hugged you when she could tell a day had been particularly horrible for you. She was like the mother you never got, which made you sad that you wouldn't have any contact with her when you would finally run away. Not having a phone or paying a phone bill saved a lot of money for you, and being blessed with food from work was also a blessing you didn't forget.
As the night began, you found yourself enjoying your shift as per usual. Sometimes, you wondered if your soulmate knew. Like really knew what was going on with you.
They had to, indefinitely, because unhealthy coping mechanisms along with struggling to feed yourself most likely don't go unnoticed by someone who can feel all of your pain.
And for some reason, you rarely ever felt pain that wasn't yours nowadays. Maybe when you were in primary school almost nearing junior high, but your memory was hazy then.
You also often found thinking about what your soulmate was like, how would you meet them, would they even find it in themself to love you? God, you hated that thought.
Soon, it was time of night that always came. Your shift was over. The only thing that you were actually happy about was that you would be getting a bonus and that made you exceptionally happy because who knew how much that would be?
"Here you go kiddo. You're a great worker and I may or may not have put something else in there of my own. Be safe on your way home, okay?" You nodded and allowed her to give you a hug, giving her a smile in return.
On your walk home, you opened the white, crisp envelope with your work number and slowly counted up the bills that were all in there. It came up to roughly around the amount you had needed to finally buy a car and even some leftover. You reached for the little letter with teary eyes that your manager put in there.
It gave her reasoning for adding a couple more hundreds dollar bills for you. That's when the water works really hit. That night you didn't bother entering the house, you snuck in through your window and grabbed your already packed bag. You had packed it of all your essentials that you knew you'd need for when the day came.
That night, you were absolutely elated to finally leave that hell hole. It jumpstarted you finally being able to live your life too.
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Two months later, you were working nonstop. You had found a great job that surprisingly paid even more than the one that got you almost all the way through high school. Of course, you were still living in your car until you could save enough to live in an apartment.
Tying your apron back, you grabbed the notepad that had come with it and went out to take orders from more customers. You loved your job; however, you didn't realize how much you never stopped. You always worked, the fear of not having enough, not being able to eat, and never having a stable place to live haunted you.
Believably, you were exhausted.
"Hi, my name is Y/n and I'll be your server for tonight. Is there anything I can start you all off with?" You faked a smile trying to bite back the exhaustion, glancing around the large table filled with even larger, built men. They had taken up the hugest dining table that the restaurant had to offer.
As you wrote down all of their drink orders, some consisting of water, alcohol, juice, and even soda one particular one made you linger.
"Smooth whiskey, please dear." A gruff voice spoke, effectively making your tired eyes meet his older olive-green ones. It wasn't new that all kinds of customers would call you pet-names, but this particular one stood out to you and the way it melted on your skin.
He looked absolutely divine. His hair was neatly gelled into a pristine style, the watch on his wrist looked like it cost a pretty good amount of money and underneath all those clothes, he looked very fit, exceptionally muscular and well built. You just couldn’t help but to ogle him.
When you happened to realize you were staring at him, you cleared your throat feeling your cheeks flush. You heard him let out a small chuckle as you wrote down his drink order.
“Would you guys like anything else to order?” You asked, not paying attention to the moment you just had with this man you don’t even know. Once you got your response from the group, you quickly turned around and headed back to the kitchen to prepare and gather the said drinks.
You just weren’t sure how or why this random man’s eyes and voice were making you feel the way you did. You’ve never even met him before. He seemed to have a certain aura about him that drew you in closer for some reason.
Soon enough, you were back out there to take everybody’s food orders, and after a bunch of disagreements within the group that you listened to because honestly, they were quite funny. You finally got an order from the mysterious man that your heartbeat fast for, for some reason.
He ordered miso soup, “Gotta gotta stay healthy.” He chuckled to his friends, who seemingly groaned, such a weird dynamic, you thought. You didn’t really understand what they were about.
You couldn’t help the tiredness from hitting your eyeballs and making them even more heavy as you were carrying out the plates, three at a time. Since there were nine people, including him, sitting at the large table, you figured it was the best way to handle the food.
As you were on your last round, your body slightly gave out to exhaustion, and the scolding hot bowl of miso soup spilled all over the lower half of your body.
Gasps were heard from the table and surrounding tables whenever you shrieked out in pain.
A hiss also came from the man who’s been watching you all night too, you could feel the first degree burn aching on your legs as you stood there dumbfounded by the pain and exhaustion from working so much.
That's when it all hit you.
The man jumped forward setting the empty, pristine white glass bowl onto the table with a clink then took your hands in his larger, warmer ones as he pulled you towards the nearest bathroom. 
He quickly and effortlessly picked you up and set you on the cold bathroom counters, which was a stark contrast from the burning of your legs. That seemed to numb by now, just a stinging pain left behind. 
Which still really hurts. He grabbed paper towels and wet them with cold water, trying to soothe your pain through your black jeans that you wore for your shift. 
“How does it feel now?” He inquired, his voice full to the brim with a preoccupation for your body, which made no sense to you. He just met you after all.
“It’s fine, thank you. I didn't expect you to help me like this. I was just in pure shock that it even happened and now I'm really ashamed as a server.” You added, disregarding the pain that you were still in, but it was a nice gesture of his to help you, you thought.
“You’re welcome,” he grinned. “I guess this is a good time to tell you that I also felt that without actually feeling it.” He let out a dry chuckle, turning around to gather more paper towels.
That left you shocked and frozen in your place on the counter.
It wasn’t supposed to happen like this, you thought, finally putting all the pieces together now. About why his mere present did something to you however, you decided to play dumb and unknowing about the situation you could view through glass at this point.
“What do you mean?” You queried, your voice sounded pitchy and not like you at all. Quite frankly, you were a bit scared.
“Yeah, I didn’t expect it either.” He faltered, “Listen, I have a first-aid kit in my car. If you'd like me to go out and grab it. I just wanna check to make sure your skin is actually okay.” He paused, looking down in discontent at your legs. 
“I feel like we’ve already pushed the boundaries of being weird once I felt that hot soup hit my legs through your own.” He gave you a half smile and put his hand on your shoulder to say that it’ll be okay and then left, leaving you with your racing thoughts and heart.
You were in a terrible predicament.
You didn’t know what to do. You, first embarrassed yourself as a server in front of the entire restaurant, then unintentionally met your soulmate who seemed to be a way a lot older than you as you were just graduated high school. Not to mention just left an abusive household.
And third, it’s going to be increasingly awkward talking to him about the past pains he’s experienced from you, nonetheless when he starts asking questions about you in general.
You had half of mind just to get up and ignore the pain and trudge on through your shift since you didn’t really have a place to go home besides your car. 
You could hear the chatter in the restaurant now. It seems like everyone must’ve forgotten the incident that happened or at least you hoped they did. You also hope to the gods that you weren’t going to be fired for an incident like that. You knew how strict your boss was which was a huge difference from your first manager that you’ve ever had.
Before you could even gather a decision of what to do, the ladies room doors were opening again, and you hoped for a split second that it was just another woman. Instead, it was the man you had met, who had said he felt your pain, the man who was supposed to be your soulmate.
“Hey look, I know it’s gonna be really weird and a lot has already happened tonight, but I have some shorts you can change into. You can go into a stall, and I can turn around even, but I just really wanna check out your legs to make sure your skin is okay.” He offered the black basketball shorts to you before continuing.
“I’m a personal trainer and I went to college for this so please don’t think I have any ulterior motives," he affirmed, and that’s when you got a real good look at him.
He was definitely taller than you even though you were sitting on a bathroom counter, he had nice, impeccable work clothes on. Which made you think that he and his friends have possibly headed here from a workplace. Concern was riddled all over his features, inexplicably handsome features at that.
He was built as you could see the biceps flexing when he gestured to the stall for you to go into.
You got a redolence of his scent when you took the basketball shorts that he apparently kept in his car for what reason? You don’t know. You don’t even know this man, and that thought made it all the more strange to you, leaving you speechless as you did what he asked.
What else were you supposed to do? Tell him no?
You were only eighteen and followed the instructions of this older man who said he was your soulmate in which you’d have to verify before actually trusting him, but you trusted his profession and allowed him to help you once you got changed. 
It was ultimately awkward, peeling off your wet jeans in a bathroom stall. The squelching of it made you cringe inside and you mumbled out a little ‘sorry’ to him.
The tension between you two was very thick and you could feel it. You could probably even cut it with a knife and eat it as cake.
Whenever you unlocked the stall, he turned around and let out yet another hiss at the sight of your legs. They were a reddish color now without your jeans covering them and looked like they just radiated off pain.
The hot soup marks came from mid thigh to about your knee and a bit lower on your calf. He seemed to go into a focused mode as he inspected your legs by putting different kinds of ointment on them to help.
That’s whenever you decide to strike up a conversation by slapping yourself in the face.
“Ow, what the hell was that for?” His gruff voice yelped and made your body shiver as you realized he wasn’t lying about being your soulmate, which made things even more awkward because now it was not an accident that you both met.
“Oh, I’m–I’m sorry. I just, uh, wanted to make sure that you were actually my soulmate not lying. I’ve never done this before.” You embarrassingly stated to the handsome man, you could feel your face heating up at the mistake you made. At least you knew he wasn’t lying now though.
That brought you some kind of comfort.
He let out a nice laugh that warmed your insides and not just the warmth from your legs.
“It’s okay.” He comforted you. “I can understand when someone as young as you can get a bit frightened and unsure when someone as old as me randomly tells you that you’re their soulmate.”
“Just to be clear,” he said, “I’m not that old, just twenty-seven.” He locked eyes with you and looked you up and down.
He continued, “Which probably seems like a creep’s age given the fact that they look like you’re even twenty.”
You let out a dry laugh before stating, “Yeah I actually am eighteen, freshly graduated from high school.” That made things all the more weird for some reason.
He let out an exasperated sigh, “I guess fate works in mysterious ways.” He said, and then his expression got more serious as did his rough hands on your legs, which stopped moving, and working the ointment into your skin.
“You know, I would understand if you needed space to process this new predicament because I’ve been waiting for you for years to settle down and now it seems like you necessarily haven’t really given a thought about your soulmate, especially on settling down.” The olive-eyed man stated, and you realized you don’t even know his name yet.
You mumble, “Thanks.” 
Not mentioning his smile that he gave you, the crinkle around his eyes that made your heart flutter, even if you were just fresh out of high school and have no intent of settling down or whatever he meant by that in his words, you sure would do it to see him smile again.
You were too caught up and admiring him that you didn’t realize his hands went just a bit higher than your upper thigh and had found the pain you had caused him on some faithful nights a couple years ago.
Your eyes widened as you shoved his hands away and scooted yourself back further on the public bathroom counter until your back roughly hit the mirror.
“I’m–I’m sorry, dear.” He sputtered and it felt like he actually meant that apology too. “I just got a bit curious,” He murmured.
“I’ve been waiting for you so I could tell you that it would be okay in the end. I would be worried about you and hoped nothing horrible would happen in the end.”
His words somehow make you feel speechless for the second time in that same night and after that you didn’t speak again until you both left the bathroom, which encased you both in silence. 
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After your soulmate–referring to him as that felt so perplexing but gratifying at the same time–had left his share of money on the table while you went to tell your manager you were injured on the job and had to leave. With a raised eyebrow, and a glance at the new shorts you wore that showed your naked legs which encased your first-degree burn. Your boss finally allowed you to take your leave early.
However, more unfortunate secrets for you were disclosed when the intense, bitter air encompassed your lower legs, and the ringing of the bell was heard.
"Would you like to come to my place to talk over tea or yours?" Your arms were wrapped around your frame, forgetting your zip up in the car.
The older male probably thought he would meet your parents and then talk with them and you about the situation you both happened to get into. How wrong he was for thinking that.
You cleared your throat, not meeting him in the eyes. "I guess yours is fine," you dryly chuckled before continuing. "My place is right there." You motioned at your beauty of a car that aided in the escape of your abuse.
"Oh, and my name is Y/n L/n. Which you probably knew because of dinner and my name tag." You stated the obvious after realizing your mistake, but you knew it'd be an opening to hear his.
"Hajime Iwaizumi." He sounded curt after your previous admittance, because while you were averting your eyes to gaze at the stars you could almost barely see due to the lights, he was staring at you.
His dark olive-green eyes look in your whole for the umpteenth time that night. Nevertheless, you admitting you were basically homeless and living in your car didn't make him back away from you in any form. It quite actually did the opposite and Iwaizumi wanted nothing more than to shield you from any other harm that might be in your future.
"My place then," You eventually looked over at him and couldn't shake the uncanny look he was giving you. It was something more than friendly, more than the looks you've seen after doing well for customers, more than niceness, something you haven't been given your entire life.
"Okay." You breathlessly confirmed, wanting nothing more to stop the chills that were jumping on your skin and the shaking of your body.
Following Iwaizumi in his expensive looking car was something out of a dream to look at. You realized on the way to his place that you really haven't got a clue about this older man you're following–except his name and that he's bound to you by fate.
The heat from your car was the only thing warming you up at the moment, like it has for many nights before this one too. It was different living in a car than a broken home, but you'd take it over it any day.
Pulling into the driveway, you gawked at his house. It was a very refined home that you had wished you lived in as a kid. Just the sight of it was something you could ever imagine living in.
Getting out of your car, you locked it and followed Iwaizumi across the concrete stepping stones that were placed before the door. He gave you a quick smile before unlocking the dark brown wooden door with a gold knocker.
You copied his actions of whatever he did when you walked in, self-conscious from not performing these when you lived in a house. You took off your shoes carefully and placed them beside his, then copied him when he set his keys down on a hook and you did the same with your tote bag.
He peripherally eyed you as your widened eyes were looking everywhere in his home. In pictures, the floor, the paint job, the lamps that were lit up before he left for dinner, the Christmas tree he put up and decorations scattered around the home.
He smiled at you and admired all the lights, then it faltered when he thought about how you may not have ever experienced something like this.
"Do you prefer a certain type of tea?" Iwaizumi asked, plugging in his electric kettle that he was gifted from his birthday months back.
"Uh, no." You really haven't drunk tea like this before. The sweet tea from working in a fast-food restaurant sure, but not individually bagged tea with different flavors and spices.
You meticulosity watched him arrange everything neatly for the two of you. It was kind of him to invite you here but that's when you felt all the more out of place.
"You can take a seat in the living room or on a bar stool if you'd like." His back was turned as he worked but you could hear the smile in his voice, the gruffness almost gone and replaced with something softer.
You drifted to the living room, in awe of everything that was in here. The soft velvet of the couch, the colorful lights of the green Christmas tree, and the snow globes on shelves of a bookcase were your favorite things.
The couch had plenty of throw pillows that matched the rooms' theme and even a couple throw blankets which undeniably smelled like Iwaizumi.
The thought of coming back to a house like this, to a home like this, made your eyes water and your throat get tight. You tried swallowing it down before Iwaizumi would eventually walk in here, but you were too late.
"I made you a Hōjicha tea, I figured you might like it because it's not really bitter and I got-" He stopped speaking when he sat down next to you and noticed the slight shake of your shoulders.
"Hey, hey, what's the matter?" His large hands took in your smaller ones as he didn't know what else he could do to comfort you within your boundaries.
You took a moment to collect yourself and wiped away the few stray tears, "I just... This is a really nice home. You're-you're just very nice to me."
Hajime's heart literally broke into two, definitely sure you could probably feel that too. It was pain after all, it didn't just have to be physical.
"I'm sorry you had to go through whatever happened to you. I really am. You don't ever have to go through that again nor live in your car anymore if you don't mind living here with me." He comforted, rubbing the pads of his thumbs over your hands and that's when you completely broke down.
You cried into his arms; it was warm and comforting which made things all the more saddening for you. You never got this, never experienced warmth like this, it hurt. After giving yourself a few minutes to calm down, you finally told him about your past up to now.
By the time you were done, he had been so angry for you. You, in his eyes, were a legal adult now but now you carry the trauma that your parents weren't supposed to give to you. You carry the hurt from younger you and the pain that you never shouldn't have dealt with.
Hajime then vowed to never let a single thing cause you pain like this ever again.
He stayed like that with you in his arms, thankful that his soulmate was finally safe and sound with him. He would worry about everything else later but to carefully be heedful about you and your well-being for now.
"You should call out of work for a few. I want your burn to heal and for you to get accustomed to living here and having a new, healthy normal. You can decline anytime but as someone who is bound to you by fate, I feel like this is what is best for now." Iwaizumi let go of you while you thought about what you would do.
You were technically homeless unless you accepted his offer, taking some days off work would hurt but if you lived here, it would be okay. You really haven't taken care of yourself, not having an actual shower in almost two months and resorting to sink baths was getting tiring. Not to mention sleeping in the car every night.
That effectively already decided what you were going to do, "I'll take some days off work. Are you sure you want me to live here? I don't want to intrude." You trailed, knowing he was fine with it but at the same time you had learned that your mere presence can be irritating.
"Of course, I'm sure. Don't even worry about it. You're my soulmate, remember?" He chuckled as he already planned a few things in his head to help you from your trauma if you wanted it. Therapy, coping skills, taking time off work, taking you to a doctor and specially making sure you realize you won't go without.
Your face flushed; this was all so new to you that it was hard to navigate through the fight or flight your mind and body wanted to revert to.
"Here's your tea, it should be cooled down by now." He handed you a glass mug that warms your hands–they've always been so cold, more so when you 'lived' on your own.
"Thank you, this is all so kind of you. I really appreciate it. I also really like your Christmas tree, it's so pretty."
He chuckled as you stared at it, "Thank you, I can put a miniature one in your room before the big day comes." Iwaizumi hoped that the closer you both would become, that it would help you ease into a healthier version of yourself.
He didn't expect you both to be dating immediately because, well, he would rather you talk to him about anything romantic first on your own terms. His mother raised him to be a good man.
"My room? Actually? This all feels so surreal." And bizarre that you were able to get out of a hellhole that you felt like you were going to be trapped in forever. Fate was such a weird thing.
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After moving in, not that you barely had much to move in with, a new normal was settled for you and Hajime–he told you not to call him by his last name no matter how much you did. He got his guest bedroom ready, which you were thankful for. You wouldn’t know what to do if you were going to share a bedroom with him when you weren’t even ready. 
Celebrating Christmas was something you also never experienced. Waking up to a good breakfast and presents to open under the Christmas tree and watching the famous movies Hajime always talks about was so new. You loved every bit of it.
Being able to take a warm, bubble filled bath, eat a nice healthy meal, and even be introduced to Iwazumi’s friends at his workplace was so outlandish for you and the situation you had once been in. 
It got awkward sometimes between you and Hajime because after all, you can’t help the inexplicit attraction you feel when it comes to him. And of course, he feels the same but won’t act on it till you’re ready. 
“What was the highest point of your day, dear?” Hajime’s usual name that he called you with such sincerity never failed to send your heart beating wildly in your ribcage. 
You set your fork down, “Probably when I saw your friends again. I was able to talk to Miya’s wife again. She’s very sweet.” You noted, smiling. Your new normal consisted of on your days off from working you’d go with Iwaizumi to work on the days his coworkers would bring their soulmates. You were very fond of Atsumu’s wife. 
The highest and lowest point of your day started as a coping mechanism from your therapist which you both do every day now for the fun of it instead of using it to get you to open up about your past. 
You were the happiest you’ve been in forever and even though you went through literal hell, you definitely wouldn’t change a thing now. Especially with the kind and patient man sitting across from you at the dinner table. The way he looked at you with love and how you reciprocated by your actions instead of words of touches. 
Fate did work in mysterious ways. 
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a/n: this shit is so ass im so sorry, i hope you guys enjoyed and even though no one requested, i hope it helps anyone who needs comfort from older iwa <3
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awkward-walking-potato · 3 months ago
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wade Wilson with an s/o that doesn’t celebrate their own birthday? (bonus points if you make them forget their own birthday because it’s been so long since they ever celebrated it)
Better Than Cake
Wade Wilson never missed an opportunity for a party—especially if it involved ridiculous decorations, food, and cake. But something had been bugging him lately, something about you. No matter how long he’d been with you, he realized he didn’t know your birthday. Not because he hadn’t asked—but because you’d never seemed to care.
Today, Wade was lounging around your shared apartment, wearing his usual red-and-black Deadpool suit, with the mask casually pulled back to rest around his neck. He watched you make breakfast, and a thought crossed his mind.
“Hey, babe,” Wade called, his tone oddly casual for once. “When’s your birthday?”
You paused, turning to look at him with a confused expression. “My… birthday?”
“Yeah, y’know, the day of your miraculous, earth-shattering entrance into this glorious world? The day you were born? It’s kind of a big deal.” Wade grinned, but he was watching your reaction carefully now.
You frowned slightly, thinking about it for a moment before shrugging. “I don’t really celebrate it. Haven’t in… years, honestly. I don’t even remember when the last one was.”
Wade blinked, stunned for a moment. “Wait, hold up. You forgot your own birthday?”
You chuckled softly, shaking your head as you went back to cooking. “I guess I just stopped caring after a while. It’s not a big deal.”
Wade’s grin faded slightly, replaced by an uncharacteristically serious look. “Not a big deal?” he repeated, standing up and walking over to you. “Babe, your birthday is a huge deal. How could you not celebrate it?”
You shrugged again. “I don’t know. I just never thought much of it. After a while, it’s just another day.”
Wade stood there, staring at you like you’d just spoken in another language. “Okay, no. Absolutely not. We’re fixin’ this right now.”
You turned to face him, raising an eyebrow. “What are you talking about?”
“We are gonna celebrate the hell out of your birthday, no matter when it was,” Wade declared, a determined gleam in his eyes. “If you don’t remember, we’ll pick a day. Hell, we’ll pick today. Today is now officially your birthday. Boom! Done.”
You laughed at his enthusiasm, but before you could protest, Wade had already darted off to grab his phone. “Wade, seriously, you don’t have to—"
“Too late! I’m ordering a cake, decorations, and balloons. Oh! And we’ll need streamers. You can’t have a party without streamers. It’s in the rulebook of fun.”
You rolled your eyes, but a small smile tugged at your lips as you watched him go into full-on planning mode. “Wade, it’s really not necessary—"
“Necessary? No. Fun? Hell yes!” He winked at you before continuing, “Trust me, babe, everyone deserves to feel special on their birthday, and if no one’s done it for you in a while, that just means I’m gonna have to go extra hard.”
It didn’t take long for Wade to throw together a “birthday” celebration. By the afternoon, the apartment was covered in balloons, confetti, and banners that read “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” in obnoxiously bright colors. You had to admit, it was a little overwhelming, but in a strangely heartwarming way.
Wade even managed to get a cake—though he’d clearly taken a bite out of it before he brought it to the table. He stood there, proud of his hastily thrown-together birthday bash, grinning from ear to ear.
“Alright, (Y/N),” Wade said, standing in front of you with the cake in his hands. “Make a wish. And no, you can’t wish for me to stop being so ridiculously handsome.”
You couldn’t help but laugh, shaking your head as you blew out the single candle on the cake. “I don’t know what to say, Wade. This is… a lot.”
“Damn right, it is,” Wade replied, setting the cake down and wrapping an arm around your shoulders. “But y’know what? You deserve a lot. And if no one else is gonna make a big deal out of your birthday, I’m gonna do it for both of us.”
You smiled softly, feeling a warmth spread through your chest. You couldn’t remember the last time someone had gone out of their way to make you feel this special. “Thanks, Wade. Really.”
He pressed a kiss to your temple, his voice uncharacteristically soft. “Anytime, babe. Anytime.”
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certifiedsexed · 3 months ago
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Hi! So, I'm asexual. I know I'm asexual. Like, I didn't realize sex was something people my age were engaging in until I was in like grade 11 because I felt such a disconnect and assumed media just blew everything about sex way out of proportion. I'm also somewhere between sex repulsed and sex neutral. The thought of having sex either seems like and absolute chore (on good days) or is something that makes me feel- no joke- pure , visceral revulsion at the mere thought (on bad ones.) However, I WANT to want sex more than anything. I think on SOME days I'd be ok with being the recieving partner, but I'd never want to reciprocate (ESPECIALLY when it comes to oral sex, thats is something I have always had a really strong negative reaction to thinking about) but being willing to take it and not reciprocate out seems unfair to whoever I'd be with (i've been told it's selfish or rude when i've expressed this to friends), even if me engaging in any sort of sexual activity in the first place would be for their sake (relationships are about compromise and thats a compromise I'd be okay with). That said, I'm not sure a partner out there like that exists and I'm tired of the well meaning bullshit I get from friends being like 'you'll find someone who's gonna love you for you' because no, I haven't and chances are I won't. I'm biromantic, but I experience more attraction to women but still wouldn't really want to have sex with any of them, and considering theres a lot of buzz about how 'lesbian sex is the best sex' because both partners typically consistently and frequently get off, it seems like a bit of a reach to think I could find a girl willing to date me who doesn't want sex. Yes, other asexual folks exist, but considering i don't tend to advertize the fact I'm ace and because I don't dress in a way that could get me clocked as queer, I don't tend to meet a lot (read, any) ace people in my daily life. ANYWAY this is kind of a really in depth plea of me basically asking if there is any resource or literature that can teach me or make me not necessarily DESIRE sex (because I know that can't happen) but mentally become okay with engaging in sex. Like could I, a generally sex repulsed asexual, somehow become a sex favourable asexual through some sort of therapy or other means?
Hi!
Here's the thing, Anon. It's not unfair, selfish or rude to prefer not to reciprocate and/or "take it" during sex. That's just a preference. In fact, in the lesbian community, that's often called being a "stone bottom".
Your friends are in fact incorrect and you should know that having sexual preferences like that are never unfair or rude: you just have to communicate with your partner(s). It's literally fine.
But also, you're talking about being sex repulsed. Sex feels like a chore to you. It's not a good idea to look at sex as a chore you're willing to do for your partner. Especially when sex does make you feel ill often enough it's worth noting.
I'm not saying you can't do it but I am saying if you don't pay attention to your own boundaries, you might just wind up resenting your partner and not being able to tell where your "Hard No's" [As in boundaries that are non-negotiable and that you are not compromising on!!!] are.
It's okay if sex is a Hard No for you, even if it doesn't always make you feel ill. That's your right.
And yes, there is a lot of buzz about lesbian sex being the best. (Which partially has a lot to do with lesbophobia and the cisheteronormative views on lesbian sex "not even being sex".) But that does not mean it's a reach that another girl would want to date you without sex.
It doesn't have to be a girl who doesn't want sex, Anon; there are so many different ways to have sex and ways people enjoy it. For example, there are people who only enjoy masturbation or simply don't mind not having sex with others, especially if it means they can date someone they like.
I genuinely can't help you on finding something that will make you "okay" with engaging in sex and I'm really sorry, Anon.
You could try a sex therapist (they're supposed to be equipped for all manners of issues related to sex) but I don't feel comfortable pointing to any specific therapy methods when a lot of them are based in the idea people are "wrong" in some way for being sex repulsed and they're often hurtful and unhealthy.
But I can say that I'd really recommend joining some online ace communities, specifically with other lesbians/sapphics and talk to some other ace people there. This isn't a you issue, Anon, these are all very common worries that ace people, specifically alloace people have and it might help to talk to other people with similar experiences.
I wish I could help more. Let me know if you have any other questions, Anon. <3
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lvnchh · 1 month ago
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Burnt Edges
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Ellie Williams x Fem reader (with PTSD)
I’m a minor and if you want to complain or insult me about it, just don’t interact. 🙏🏻 It’s my life, and I’m free to write whatever I want as long as I’m not bothering anyone. Also, please don’t judge any grammar mistakes, as English is not my native language. I’m sorry if the whole story isn’t that good.
TW: I have PTSD (DIAGNOSED), and what you’re about to read is based on my personal experiences. Writing about it is a form of therapy for me. If you are sensitive to topics like violence and domestic violence, please do not continue reading. Thank you 🙏🏻
Btw I need more Ellie x PTSD reader stories because I want to feel less alone and represented
story below the cut
The roof was quiet, save for the soft hum of the wind and the occasional creak of the old building beneath you. You leaned back, one hand braced against the rough shingles, the other holding a cigarette lazily between your fingers. Beside you, Ellie sat with her legs dangling off the edge, her posture loose but her expression as tightly locked as ever.
She was like that—a fortress of dry wit and cold deflection. It had taken you weeks to even crack the surface, and even now, the glimpses of vulnerability she let slip were fleeting. Still, you stayed, drawn to her in a way that felt both dangerous and grounding. She didn’t make you feel fragile. She made you feel alive.
“You shouldn’t be up here,” Ellie muttered, breaking the silence. She blew out a stream of smoke, the ember of her cigarette glowing faintly in the dim moonlight. “Roof’s unstable.”
You glanced at her, arching a brow. “What, you care now?”
She shot you a side-eye, lips twitching in the faintest hint of amusement. “Not really. Just don’t wanna scrape your ass off the ground if it collapses.”
“Touching,” you deadpanned, exhaling a thin stream of smoke. The wind carried it away almost instantly, as if even it didn’t want to linger too long.
For a while, neither of you spoke. The quiet between you wasn’t uncomfortable—it never was. Ellie had a way of making silence feel purposeful, like it was meant to be filled with thought instead of noise. You liked that about her, even if she was the most guarded person you’d ever met.
She broke the quiet again, her tone sharper this time. “You’ve been jumpy all day.”
You stiffened, the cigarette burning low between your fingers. “What makes you think that?”
“You twitched every time the generator kicked on. Thought you were about to bolt when Jesse slammed that door.” Her voice was cold, almost clinical, but you caught the undercurrent of concern buried in it. “What’s going on?”
You hesitated, staring down at the glowing tip of your cigarette. The memories clawed at the edges of your mind, threatening to drag you under. Your dad’s yelling, your mom’s pleading, the sharp crack of his fist against the wall—or worse, against her. It was all there, always there, no matter how far you ran or how many years passed.
Ellie didn’t press, but she didn’t look away, either. She had that kind of presence, the kind that made you feel seen even when you didn’t want to be.
“My dad,” you finally said, your voice quieter than you’d intended. “He was… violent. Toward my mom. Toward me, sometimes. I don’t know. Days like this, it just… sneaks up on me.”
Ellie’s jaw tightened, her eyes flicking toward the skyline. “Yeah. I get that.”
You glanced at her, surprised. She didn’t elaborate, but you could see it in the way her shoulders tensed, the way her lips pressed into a thin line. Whatever ghosts haunted her, they were just as heavy as yours. Maybe heavier.
She took a long drag of her cigarette, then said, “You ever wonder if this shit just… sticks to us? Like no matter how far we go, it’s always gonna be there. Screwing with us.”
You huffed a humorless laugh. “Every goddamn day.”
Ellie turned her head to look at you then, her green eyes catching the faint light of the moon. “You’re handling it better than most,” she said, her tone serious, almost begrudgingly respectful. “Better than me.”
You smirked, leaning back on your hands. “What can I say? My PTSD made me hotter.”
Ellie froze for a second, then snorted—actually snorted—before catching herself. She shook her head, a faint smile tugging at her lips despite her best efforts to suppress it. “You’re such a dumbass.”
“Maybe,” you said, shrugging. “But I made you laugh.”
“That wasn’t a laugh.” She exhaled sharply, flicking the ash off her cigarette. “It was a pity chuckle.”
“Sure,” you teased, grinning. “Keep telling yourself that.”
Ellie rolled her eyes, but the smile lingered, softening her edges just enough to make you feel like you’d won something. The two of you fell back into silence, the kind that felt warm despite the cool night air.
Maybe the scars would never go away. Maybe the memories would always be there, clawing at the edges of your mind. But sitting here, with Ellie by your side, the weight felt a little lighter. For now, that was enough.
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orphicdreamers-wp · 1 year ago
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I Know The End — Nico Hischier
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Summary; In which a rumor started turns into you staring the end of your lifelong dream in the eye
Content Warnings: Blackmail, false accusations of assault, mentions of cancer, mentions of blood, mentions of suicidal thoughts, mentions of death during childbirth, angst, Jack & Luke Hughes acting out of character, pick me fem oc(Julia), Nico being caught in the crossfire, inaccuracies of being banned from the NHL, female NHL player
Pairing: Nico Hischier & Fem Reader
You had always loved hockey, your father held the highest pride in his only daughter enjoying his favorite sport. He’d played hockey briefly for a professional team in Germany when you were really young. So it didn’t come as a surprise to him when you decided you wanted to play hockey as well. He was reserved to let you play, your mother had died a few years earlier. She died during childbirth with your younger brother, Vincent and your dad didn’t want to lose you too. But reluctantly he agreed to let you play, because he saw how much you loved it.
So you played hockey from your seventh year in school and you eventually made it onto the Professional Women’s League’s Boston team for about a year and a half. But that wasn’t where you heart was. Your father had encouraged you to go for the NHL, but he didn’t make it to your draft. He had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and had stopped responding to treatment just weeks before the draft was scheduled. He had passed away the night before you were drafted by the New Jersey Devils.
You knew before you were drafted that playing on a team with a bunch of guys wouldn’t be easy. You knew that you would find yourself the brunt of the jokes and facing a lot of hazing from the men. But you didn’t mind it, as long as you got to do what you loved you didn’t mind if the men who were on your team hated you and the idea of you being there. As time progressed only one of the players really seemed to be okay with your presence, Nico seemed to enjoy being around you. Whenever the team won and would go out to celebrate Nico always kindly extended the invitation to you, knowing the other guys weren’t.
You rarely accepted but whenever you did you found yourself enjoying the time spent with Nico and occasionally the other players when they were in decent enough moods to tolerate you. So it wasn’t a surprise when you and Nico wound up intertwined in each other and eventually became a couple. But that never would have worked out, not in a million years. So you and him broke up and within a month he was already seeing someone new. Her name was Julia, and you liked her enough. She was smart and kind. But if you knew then that she would be the reason your in the position you are you would have never spoken to her.
You were leaned against the boards untaping your stick after practice when your head coach Lindy Ruff approached you, “I need to see you in my office now.” You were taken aback by the urgency in his tone as you could feel eyes on you. You frowned slightly as you made your way to his office. You raised an eyebrow as you walked into a room full of men, you were used to it so you sat down and waited as an uncertain feeling loomed over your head.
Coach Ruff spoke ever so gently, as if he was scared of your reaction to the news he had, “I’m sure you know Comissioner Gary Bettman, Director of Officiating Stephen Walkom, Security Officer Miles Anderson and this is attorney Leslie Ryans.” You furrowed an eyebrow further growing confused, “What’s going on coach?” Coach Ruff blew out a deep breath, “Over the past 2 days a lot of rumors have been circulating regarding you and some unacceptable behavior.” You frowned, “I haven’t seen anything, what are you referring to?”
Coach Ruff slid a folder across the desk and you stared at the papers inside. It was printed out screenshots from a Twitter account. The tweet was from Nico’s current girlfriend, Julia. It went in depth of an alleged assault she experienced because at your hands because you were jealous of her and her relationship with Nico. You frowned as you shut the folder and dropped it on the desk, “Coach you don’t seriously believe I could do that, do you?”
Coach Ruff shook his head, “This was not the decision made by just me Y/N. This was all the coaching staff here’s decision. Along with Director Walkom. But most importantly this was Commissioner Bettman’s decision. It looks bad for the organization. I’m sorry but the only choice I have is to remove you from my roster and tell you that you are barred from the team and the NHL as a whole for the foreseeable future.”
You shook your head as you stood up, feeling your voice raise, “This is unfair to me. You all just sat behind a closed door and unanimously decided that my career and my reputation were worthless while you believed baseless claims about me that have nothing to back them up?” You ran a hand over your damp cheeks, “How the hell is this fair to me?”
Coach Ruff shook his head, “It’s out of my hands. Pack your stuff.” You shook your head, “How can you do this to me? To reach deep inside of me and pull out everything I have ever worked for and throw it on the ground so carelessly? I resent it.”
A sob wracked through your chest as you took a deep breath, “This is bullshit. I shouldn’t have left Germany, I can’t believe your taking the last piece of my dad away from me. I resent that and I resent you all for that.” You opened the door to the office and were met with Nico, Jack and Luke sporting solemn expressions. Your eyes were bloodshot and stained with tears.
You walked past them and began to empty the contents of your locker. Nico spoke quietly, “Are you okay?” You glared at him as you dropped some of you items into the box, “Like you care.” You dropped the last items in your box as you began to untape the photos of you and your dad and your friends in various places. You picked up your box, the past 4 years of your life amounting to a single box. You sighed as you walked past Nico, “Keep your lying ass bitch away from me. Or god help me it won’t be a rumor anymore.”
Nico frowned at your words, “What the hell is she talking about?” Luke let out a defeated sigh, “This.” He handed Nico his phone as Nico slowly digested the information he was reading. He handed Luke his phone as he found himself driving to Julia’s house. The door opened and Julia smiled widely at the sight of her boyfriend, “Hi baby!” Nico’s tense demeanor didn’t shift, “Why would you post that? I know that’s a lie, why?” Julia’s face paled, “Why do you care? It’s not about you!”
Nico scoffed, “Because you just got her fired for good. She’s banned from the NHL, not just fined. This was the most important thing to her. Why would you do that?” Julia’s voice lowered, sounding similar to a small child who was in trouble, “Jack asked me to get rid of her.” Nico’s eyes widened, “What?” Julia’s eyes watered, “Jack told me that if I didn’t find a way to get her off the team he would tell you about me and Dawson.” Nico raised an eyebrow, “What about you and Dawson?” Julia sniffled, “We hooked up at that party Jack threw.” Nico scoffed, “I don’t care. We’re over, fix this.”
A good month had passed and you had finally accepted that you were done in the NHL. You were packing up your apartment in New Jersey so you could move home to Germany with your grandparents and finally start school. Your phone rang, you frowned slightly as you read Nico’s name across the screen and answered, “Hey what’s up?” Nico’s soft voice filled your ears, “Check Twitter.” You frowned as you opened the Twitter app on your phone when Nico hung up.
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You frowned as your phone began to ring endlessly, teams leaving voicemails telling you that they’d love to have you, Coach Ruff leaving messages apologizing and asking you to return. A message from Nico made you smile briefly. He told you to do what you already knew to do. You smiled as you typed out a quick response ‘I did. Check Twitter’
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brf-rumortrackinganon · 2 months ago
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I'm one of those people who can tolerate Charles and Camilla's existence. What I find infuriating sometimes is this seasonal pr about how they are the greatest couple who had the best love story ever as if it wasn't built on infidelity.
I also side eye those people who support such story
Since I’m getting dog-piled in the comments asks (sorry - had a brain fart) here’s what I actually think of Charles and Camilla:
1. Yes, infidelity is bad. But if we’re condemning Charles and Camilla for cheating, we better have the same ire and condemnation for Diana cheating too. She doesn’t get a pass just because a portion of the internet has sainted her or because she’s dead. I mean, Diana literally harassed one of her boyfriends after he dumped her! There was a police investigation! (Yes, she was still married to Charles at the time.)
2. Yes, Charles shouldn’t have retaliated to Diana’s cheating by having his own affair.
3. But at the same time, this is what the aristos and the BRF have been doing for generations - having discreet extramarital relationships/affairs when the marriage has run its course. So I don’t fault Charles or Diana for that. It’s simply just what their kind has done. The issues here are that a) the press and press attention was unlike anything anyone had ever experienced before in history so of course things weren’t going to be as well-hidden as it may have been in the past and b) the personalities and behavior of Charles and Diana were so similarly toxic on certain matters - “neither can live while the other survives” comes to mind in that they were both so consumed by the press attention, wanting to control what people thought, and wanting to be seen was the victor - that they couldn’t co-exist in the spotlight together. So that fighting, coupled with their media friendliness and the new media’s pervasiveness (holy shitake mushrooms, I forgot I was supposed to give you guys that analysis. I’ll work on that this weekend.), blew the doors off this dirty little secret about who what the aristos do in their spare time.
4. Glad the marriage worked out for Charles and Camilla and their relationship is strong. But there’s no need to shove it in our faces with “the best love story to ever love story” or their “coronation-as-the-wedding-we-never-had” PR. It’s gross when Harry and Meghan do it. It’s gross when Charles and Camilla do it.
4.5 - I don’t like that Charles keeps saying “My wife and I” in his statements. Dude, she has a name. Use it. Stop making her your possession.
5. I actually have a bigger issue with Charles supporting Camilla’s home decorator sister than I do with Charles and Camilla’s affairs and their marriage of 20 years. If there’s anyone else in the royal-adjacent circle who can rudely STFU and go away, it’s Annabelle. I’m sure she’s a perfectly nice lady, but come the fork on.
6. Humans are messy complicated people. Real life isn’t black and white. Opinions and perspective can - and should - change as we learn new things, as we grow older, as we have new experiences, as we see our parents for their actual selves, as we see our celebrities and leaders for who they really are instead of the PR images they put forth.
Meaning just because William was angry when he was 16 doesn’t mean he’s required to be angry for the rest of his life. That’s not healthy (case in point: Harry). We do know that William went to therapy for Diana’s death, but I guarantee you that’s not the only thing he talked about in therapy and it’s not the only thing he worked to heal from.
At the end of the day, William appears to be indifferent to Camilla. His family has a relationship with her and his children - or Charlotte, at least - is close enough that she can cuddle up to Camilla for a photograph and Camilla lets them poke in her handbag for candy. Yes, William did publicly say once that “Camilla is not my children’s grandmother” but that is not a prohibition on Camilla being in their lives. It just means that William sees Camilla as his father’s wife and doesn’t see her as having the same relationship with his family that Charles does. Which is a very perfectly normal thing for an adult child of divorced parents to do. But here’s the thing: he’s not getting in the way of letting his kids forge their own bond with Camilla, however and whatever it looks like.
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rajghafa · 4 months ago
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“Salvatore” — Nikolai Lantsov x Fem!Reader
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SUMMARY: She had fell in love with Nikolai Lantsov a long time ago, but her feelings were kept a secret, between so many tragedies and not sure of what his reaction would be, she had never before uttered a word about it, until they both had a evening alone in the sea.
A/N: this is one of the fics I am reposting because I accidentaly deleted my old account lmao, it was a request of a celebration on mine, based on “Salvatore” by lana del rey, but I have rewritten some stuff and honestly I don't think it s that related to the song any more? anyways, you can still hear it while you read it tho! and omg I have totally lost the ability of writing a summary. Anyways, I hope you all like it, feedback is always welcomed!
WARNINGS: English is not my first language.
WORD COUNT: 2.090
[MASTERLIST] [MOODBOARD]
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She looks at Nikolai with gleaming eyes, taking in how the wind agitated his hair, making his curls rise and show more of his face. Sometimes she would simply follow him with her eyes, satisfied with watching his movements, it calmed her, a soothing moment between everything they had to solve. Today was a rare day, both of them taking time to escape for at least some hours, only them in one of Nikolai's small boats, just on the like old and distant days.
Nikolai seemed so relaxed and fulfilled now that it was impossible for her to not smile, trying to disguise it by turning her face away from him, staring at the horizon. It was hard to be around him once she realised her feelings were turning into something else, something different from only friendship. Most of the time she can control herself, not giving him so many looks or smiling that kind of smile, but it eventually got harder, and she had to distance herself from him, bury herself with work, and find new things to learn. 
Now was one of those moments where she could barely breathe, overwhelmed with feelings, her heart beating in that fast rhythm she had grown accustomed to. Thankfully, the smile was gone, and she focused on counting every single piece of rock she could see on the small piece of land in the distance, but it was to no use, since her thoughts insisted in remembering that was the first island her and Nikolai had found alone when they were teenagers, it became a property of the crown as soon as Nikolai could convince his father. It was such a small thing, really, but it was a beautiful place, a refugee.
The sound of a sigh  made her look in his direction again, and her heart started to spiral in her chest, her breath was slow to come, the moment seemed to be passing by in slow motion. Everything was excruciating to look at, especially the golden boy across from her.
Nikolai's curls shone brightly, his white skin now seemed ivory, and his cheeks had that adorable tone of pink. He had never been so hard to be around like now, she had to force herself to tear her eyes from him, to not think about how warm his skin would be now, how good it would feel to stretch her arms and finally touch him, to allow herself to appreciate him in full form. Sometimes she'd think that Nikolai seemed to be always frozen in summer, a particular sun illuminating his face, but never had she seen him exactly like that, shining like now.
As if they had a life of their own, her eyes trailed back to him, watching as he threw his head back, resting it against the boat, exposing his neck adorned with his two favourite necklaces that now shone brightly because of the sun rays reaching them. His shirt had the three buttons open, showing more of his chest as the wind blew strongly once again. It made her eyes wander more, to places she had prohibited herself to think about, places she should not look.
She felt it then, that he was about to open his eyes and was fast to look away, turning her attention to the sea and closing her own eyes to try to erase those thoughts from her mind. Trying to focus on the sound of the sea proved itself useless, so instead she started to count, which was also useless once the prince opened his mouth.
“Why were you staring?” She can hear the smirk on his voice.
Of course, he felt it too, the same way she could feel it, would just know when it was his eyes on her. She tried to not think about it too much, they did have a connection, that was impossible to deny, but it didn't have to be romantic, she also knew that, and she tried to not see things where there weren't any.  So when she somehow knew it was him staring or that he was about to say something or when she would turn around before he had even touched her, she would simply decide it was their years of close friendship together, it was that and only that.
“Shut up.” she says with a chuckle.
“If that's your wish, darling.” Nikolai jokes, making her roll her eyes, “where’s the bottle?”
She grabs the Kvas bottle by her side, extending her arm to him, “haven’t you drunk enough?” 
Nikolai scoffs, a playful smile gracing his lips right after, “what’s enough for the King of Ravka?”
She smiles sadly, it was a joke, yes, but she could still hear the tiredness in his voice, and she knew how hard everything had been since he was crowned.
“You tell me.” she says, relaxing against the boat once again.
Nikolai opens his mouth, and then closes it again. “I was not… I don't really think I wanted to say that,” he sighs.
She tilts her head, worried, “it's okay, I understood it.”
He gives her a small smile, “you always do.”
Her heart beats a bit stronger, and afraid her voice might betray, she simply nods. She takes advantage of the moment he is serving himself and repeats Nikolai's previous actions and throws her head back, closing her eyes to avoid looking directly at the sun. It takes mere minutes, though, until she feels it, a burning and familiar feeling coursing through her body. He is staring at her.
She tries to stay quiet, not move and keep her eyes closer, waiting to see if the feeling will go away. Something feels different this time, something heavy in the air, and she is hesitant to open her eyes and joke about how he is the one staring now. Her insides seem to burn, unquietness consuming her and making her leave out a sigh, escaping her lips before she can think better, she hopes it sounds like a relaxed one, but deep down she knows Nikolai can always decipher her.
Like words being whispered in her ear, she finally gives up and searches for his face, afraid of what she might find.
It was like looking at him for the first time.
Nikolai was already staring at her like she felt, but never before had his eyes looked like that. Never before had she felt as if the surrounding air was heavy and buzzing with electricity. Something unspoken grew between them, while they stared at each other in silence, hypnotised by one another. His eyes seemed to burn, and in correspondence her skin seemed to be singing to him, as if asking for the fire to get closer.
She felt like floating, feeling the warmth of the sun while your back was cold from the water, like her body was being consumed by every single feeling she had buried for so long. 
At the beginning, before her feelings had developed to something more, every time they would hang out, it was like walking in paths only they could see, as if Nikolai could create a new universe for them, they were young and naive, and they would play almost all day. Soon they were both teenagers and their games became more of adventures, they would escape late in the night and only return in the morning, they would secretly learn how to sail and join parties in disguises. Somewhere between all those adventures and laughs, she had fallen in love, it had no use in denying what it was. Sometimes she would still refer to it as only feelings, but she knew what it was. Knew it since the day she could still feel his touch lingering on her skin even after hours passed, since the day his smile became her own sun, and his tears a dark night. But so much had happened, so much was still happening, and she just never had the chance to tell him. There is also the fact that she doesn't know how he will react, if he will reciprocate the feelings and even if he did, if it would be possible for them to have anything. And now those same paths only they walked were a maze, they would still find each other at every turn, but there were too many things left unsaid, waiting.
His hazel eyes seemed to shift, reading her face, searching for something, and before she could say anything, he leaned in and grabbed her hand. He had found what he was looking for. His fingers entwined with her own, summer was cold compared to how warm his skin felt against hers. She wished to never let go of him ever again.
Her heart was undecided, not knowing if it would beat crazily or stop right there. Nikolai looks down at their hands for just a second before searching for her eyes again and letting it go to trail his fingers up her skin. His light, feathered touch, finally bringing the fire she so desperately wanted it to consume her.  He stops at her shoulder, gently pulling her closer, even then, a small smirk is forming at the corner of his lips, and his eyes are filled with what she can only describe as desire. Her heart decides it then.
Nikolai watches her, observing how her eyes move to his lips and then back to his face again, the smirk he has is quick to disappear once she closes her hands on his wrist and moves it to her face, her touch had not ever felt like this before. It feels like she is dancing, so enchanting and agile.
“Nikolai,” she whispers, and  her voice never had been so vicious as that. Nikolai could beg for her to speak again, he wants to hear her non-stop, his name had never been said like that. “Do you…” she trails off, seeming to rethink her words, but he has no time for that, he wants to hear her again, desperately needs to know what is going through her mind. He can understand her, he always can, but he needs to hear it this time.
“What, darling?” He asks, not bothering to hide the desperation in his tone.
“I want you.” 
His body answers first, his fingers that were now on her cheek cupping her face, pulling her even closer, his own body already leaning in. He stops then, mere inches away from her face, “If that's your wish.” He whispers, not knowing how he was able to form these words, but happy he did when he watches her smile.
She moves and closes the distance, Nikolai holds a breath now that their foreheads are touching.
“Sometimes,” she leans in just enough for her lips to brush against his, making him sigh and tension beneath her, “I feel like I was made just for you.”
Before Nikolai can respond to her confession, her lips are pressing against his. His brain short-circuits, overwhelmed, but his body does what he so fiercely wants. It feels like everything he wished for, it feels better than that. His free hand searches for her desperately, pulling her into his lap. Nikolai wants nothing more than to never stop, he has waited for this for too long.
When they do back away, he can only hope she can feel the same, that she can feel him singing to her, heart beating so fast he might collapse. 
“Or, that we were made for each other.” She whispers then, eyes hazy and dreamy. 
Nikolai doesn't even know where to begin, how to answer, there are too many words to say, too many things to confess, and this uncontrollable desire to kiss her until he gets drunk.
“Do you see that?” She asks, vulnerability taking over her features now, worriedness dripping from her voice. Her fear was senseless, Nikolai thinks, because no man loved her as he did.
“I would be an idiot not to see,” Nikolai kisses the corner of her mouth in awe, “how could I not see, my darling?”
They kiss again, messier than before, all the confessions so strongly kept hidden now coming out. Every stolen glance, every joke told just to hear each other laughs, every lingering touch pushing them closer.
“I dreamt of you for a long time.” He confesses, holding her face so that she can stare at him. “I’ve seen it all along.”
“Nikolai,” she whispers his name, happy tears filling her eyes.
“You’re meant for me.”
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