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sourbinnie · 1 year

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☆ cerca de ti.mp3 ☆

♡ genre ¿? ♡ -> angst ♡ pair ¿? ♡ -> ot8!skz x gn!reader ♡ plot ¿? ♡ -> the song they wrote when you left them + some moments and how it went down. ♡ warnings ¿? ♡ -> swearing ; smoking (weed) ♡ request ¿? ♡ -> nope

a/n: so i had this idea today and i wrote it all today because i wanted it out as soon as possible. i obviously get it if you don't like or think it's kinda odd? idk i really enjoyed this and the process of it so i hope yall like it too. it was kind of inspired by edits that i see on instagram where they make stray kids lipsync to latin songs, goddamn i love those. so yeah this is my take on how they would sing cerca de ti!

[ intro : chan & seungmin ] cerca de ti estaba bien y de tu vida me borré (close to you i was okay but of your life i got erased) y ella ante' no lo veía, pero sé que te fallé (but she didn't see it before but i know i failed you) y si ahora vuelves, te juro que no te vuelvo a perder (and if you come back, i swear that i won't lose you again) porque me di cuenta que muero si me alejo de tu piel (i realized that i die when i'm far away from your skin)

when they first started writing this song, only one thing would come to their minds and that was you. it wasn't your typical love song or even sad song but more of a mix of emotions that all the members were feeling condensed into one song. one they would call close to you, one that would express how much a certain person had changed them and their experiences with that individual.

chan at first didn't want to take a part in the song, he thought it was too soon, too much but the rest convinced him that it would be a good idea to let go with lyrics (it wasn't). when he wrote the first two verses of the introduction, he knew he was fucked and he was too deep now. when you decided to leave, he was the last one you saw and he got the final word, it didn't go well. he was too harsh and too egoistic to see what was happening in front of his eyes, the hate that blinded him was making him spill words that he didn't mean.

"(y/n) i don't think you're realizing what you're doing." he said almost as if you were betraying him and the boys as you packed your things. you thought this was the right choice all along and you weren't gonna get convinced, especially by someone who wasn't showing they cared or that they appreciate you in anyway (he did very much so in the end).

"what do you want me to do chan? to pretend everything's alright? god you guys really only think about yourselves." you said and it wasn't nice but it needed to be said. you've been left in the dust for way too long to care about other people's feelings, especially if it was the 8 boys you were referring to.

"rich coming from you, you act like we don't have a job. our lives don't revolve around you!" he exclaimed but it just made you roll your eyes. you weren't talking about that, you never even once mentioned their job because you knew how busy their schedules were but it just got to the point where they didn't show that they cared, that they loved you, that they wanted you. "if you leave, you aren't coming back."

"watch me." you said as you walked out the front door and out of their lives.

seungmin felt so lost without you, he got too used to your presence. he got used to your morning kisses, you preparing his lunch for work, how you would listen to him. the thing he missed the most was your body, not really in a sexual way, he just wanted to hold you. to feel your skin against his and plant a kiss on your cheek, he wanted to kiss your lips again and love you tenderly & softly.

he didn't think much of you leaving because he knew in the end you would come back to them. when you didn't for months, he lost hope and when the boys suggested writing, he was the first one grabbing a pen and a paper. he almost seemed desperate to get these feelings out of the way.

"you think they're gonna listen to it?" jeongin asked and the older didn't know how to respond. he wanted you to hear it, for you to process the words that everyone was singing. you were always so attentive towards their lyrics that it just made sense that if you heard it, you would want to contact them right?

"i hope so, this is our last shot i think." seungmin responded and jeongin nodded as he sat down next to him to write the lyrics. everyone needed to put in a bit of effort to make a team and for it to be put out.

[ chorus : chan, seungmin & jeongin ] y si fuera por mí, estaría cerca de ti, eh (and if it was up to me, i would be close to you) pero tengo que dejarte volar (but i gotta let you fly) supongo que es una parte dе amar (i guess it's a part of love) y si fuera por mí, estaría cerca dе ti, yeah (and if it was up to me, i would be close to you, yeah) pero tengo que dejarte volar (but i gotta let you fly) supongo que es una parte de amar (i guess it's a part of love)

vocalracha did the chorus, it just seemed right. jeongin finding the right words to go with the flow and chan's voice starting it were exactly what everyone was looking for. it was their way of showing they were letting go but not willingly because if it was up to all of them they would want to continue what they had with (y/n).

jeongin took it really hard when you left. like seungmin, he had hope that you would come back, that it might be a mistake or a joke in bad taste but it wasn't like that. he didn't even get to say goodbye, to tell you to take care of yourself. he wanted you so bad in every way that your presence not being there for him when he needed you the most was destroying him.

"hyung i wish i could talk to them. i'm so lost and i don't even know what to do." jeongin expressed, in the verge of crying because he just wanted you but he was stuck in the dorms not even knowing where you were.

"we gotta give them time innie, i know it's hard but we'll find a way." chan said as let the younger cry and let his worries out. even if he didn't feel like things were gonna get better, his hyung always had his back.

right now he was feeling less broken, more confident but he just wanted you to hear this song. even if you didn't want to, these were the things that needed to be said and expressed by the members. he felt like he was left in the dark, he was trapped and had no way out but right now he was seeing the light. when they were filming the music video, everything shined so bright and it took his breath away. if only you could be right there, right now.

[ verse 1 : jisung & minho ] cerca de ti fue que sentí que ya no había más na' malo (yeah-eh) (close to you i felt like there was nothing that could be bad) cerca de ti fue que sentí que ya no había más na' de amor (close to you i felt like there was no more love) sé que me fui lastimado (ey), dejaste en mí todo raro (i know i left hurt, you left everything weird in me) yo no sé cuándo estaré sano (i don't know when i'm gonna heal) pacas y pacas, todas las gasté, stop, ¿toda esa mierda pa' qué? (bags and bags, i spent them all. stop, all of that shit for what?) ya no me sirve fumar de la maría si no e' con vo' en el hotel (now i can't smoke the maria if it's not with you in the hotel) oh-oh, no me sirve fumar si no e' con vo' en el hotel (oh-oh, i can't smoke if it's not with you in the hotel)

jisung like he said, was left with a mix of everything. the weirdness that affected him when he wasn't by your side but the way you made him believe that he could be loved again lived within him. you showed him a new side of himself, way more careful and way more calm, one that brought peace everywhere he went. he carried that when he wasn't with you because he would go crazy if he didn't.

"you're kinda different today, i like the vibe." you said as you sat down next to him and he smiled, nodding. he couldn't explain the relaxation that invaded his body whenever he found himself in the same room as you. he couldn't let go of the feeling and yet at the same time he didn't want to.

"just wanted to be with you and enjoy the moment." he mumbled burying himself in you but then coming up to give you a sweet kiss. you smiled and pulled him closer as you made out on the sofa in the 3racha + hyunjin) dorms.

he found himself smiling at the memories and not looking back because he was confident this would catch your attention. maybe a little too cocky for his liking but he knew you all too well to know that this isn't the end but the start of something different.

minho wasn't a big smoker, yet this verse was a reminder of how fucked up you two got at the hotels when he was on tour. when he brought you along, he wasted all of his money on you and on pleasing you, whatever the baby wanted they would get. maybe he acted more like a sugar daddy and didn't realize but he couldn't care less because he wanted to spoil you rotten.

"dude are you smoking?" jisung asked him and he could just nod, of course jisung was only interested because he wanted to hop on the same train. "this is fucking harder than i thought it would be, everything i write is shit."

"i wrote my verses but i still feel like it's missing their approval." minho said laughing, a bit high already. jisung just laughed because his giggles were contagious. they would spend the whole night like this, just going back and forth with new bars but in the end settling down for the ones they had at first. there was a reason those were the first things they thought of, it was because they came out of the broken heart they were experiencing.

staying silent wasn't unusual for them but since they met you, you would always invade with your voice and say whatever you were thinking. now the silence was uncomfortable and they just wanted to hear your voice again.

[ verse 2 : changbin & hyunjin ; both ] miro pa' atrás y parece to' un chiste (i look back and it seems like a joke) yo sé que no daba y por eso te fuiste (i knew i couldn't do it and that's why you left) no sé qué le pa', no sé qué le diste (i don't know what's going on, i don't know why you gave) pero estoy nuevo, como si no exististe (but i am new like you never existed) y sé que si yo puedo, podría cualquiera (and i know if i can, anyone can do it) porque mi corazón era una heladera (because my heart was a fridge) ahora tropical entre cocos y palmeras (now tropical between coconuts and palms) con un recuerdo dulce de cómo eras tú (with a sweet memory of how you were) ah, de cómo eras tú, oh-oh-woh (ah, of how you were, oh-oh-woh) miro pa' atrás y parece to' un chiste (i look back and it all seems like a joke) yo sé que no daba y por eso te fuiste (i knew i couldn't do it and that's why you left) no sé qué le pa', no sé que le diste (i don't know what's going, i don't know what you gave) pero estoy nuevo, como si no-como si-como si- (but now i'm new, like you've never-)

changbin thought it was genuinely a joke when chan told them you weren't coming back. this is why the first lyric went like this and then they immediately thought of realizing why you left him. it's like he knew he had to accept that you were not gonna come back, that the situation got worse and that they left you behind (without wanting to). you didn't leave because you wanted to but because you had to, you were done with them.

he was the first to try to pretend like you didn't exist, like it didn't mean a thing to him that you left. while most of them were broken and trying to pick up the pieces, changbin decided to live in his new reality where he didn't even meet you. that lasted way too little for his liking since he got reminded of you everywhere he went.

"i feel like being without you makes me feel so fucking weird." he said one time to you and you raised your eyebrow at this. he wasn't one to usually get sappy but you welcomed this moments any time they happened. "okay i know i sound like a major loser but i love you."

"i love you more and you're not a loser for expressing your feelings binnie." your voice was engraved on his mind but he still craved to call you when he felt low. he knew leaving voice messages was weird to get it out since you blocked all of them but a man had to let it out somehow.

hyunjin thought his lyrics were so stupid but somehow he knew that's the way to go. if he wanted to capture your attention somehow, he wanted it to be in a cheesy line and make it seem like he was doing fantastic. yet when he thinks of the sweet memory of you, he's brought back to you, your perfume/cologne, your smile and your hugs. it felt like home every time you held him in your arms.

"hyunjin i feel like i'm drifting away from you guys and i'm scared." he remembers you said to him this one day and he was a bit shocked. he didn't feel like that at all but there had to be a reason why you were feeling like this and not overreacting right? he knew he had to talk it out with the other guys.

"no baby, we're here for you okay? i doubt anything is gonna happen." he said and now that he thinks about it, he should've done something, he should've held you closer and reassured you even more that nothing was gonna separate you from them. he didn't, he now regrets it every day because he missed you like crazy and there was no turning back.

but he knew he still had a chance to mend things, to at least have a way to contact you if you needed anything. he didn't want your last messages to be so sad, to be blocked in your phone forever 'cause you could never be blocked on his. it was stupid but he wanted to be in your life, even if it was the bare minimum.

[ verse 3 : changbin & felix ] ¿cuántas vece' te fallé? (how many times did i fail you?) sin contar la última ve' (without counting last time) pensando volverte a ver (thinking of seeing you again) cuando llego, yo te llamo y no respondes, baby (when i arrive, i call you and you don't answer, baby) me tiene' quemándome en tu fuego (you got me burning in your fire) todo' tu' problema' lo' resuelvo (all of your problems i solve them) como un boomerang yo siempre vuelvo (like a boomerang i always come back) tengo gana' de explorar tu cuerpo (i want to explore your body) ya me lastimaste, igual no aprendo (you already hurt me, i never learn) (ya me lastimaste, igual no aprendo) (you already hurt me, i never learn) (igual no aprendo) (still i don't learn)

felix didn't think he did things wrong, he didn't feel like your falling out was justified. yeah they made a mistake, he made a mistake but all the missed calls that night would haunt him forever. he wanted to see you, to talk to you, to know how you feel and what went wrong. he still couldn't understand it even if chan tried to explain it 100 times, he wasn't convinced. he wanted another chance and he would live in delusion of you coming back if he had to.

the last time he saw you, you two fought. he remembers it very clearly but he wants to forget it every day, he felt like it wasn't that bad. was he in the wrong? 100% but it didn't justify you walking out on them.

"(y/n) come on, you can't be serious. even if you do feel like that, it's nothing that we can't fix!" he said when you came to visit him to talk about how you were feeling. god he was such a fucking idiot, he should've just taken you seriously and the more he thinks about it, the more he cringes at how he reacted.

when you sighed and shook your head as you left, he was so blinded by hysteria that he didn't even look at you. he remembers telling changbin this and he knew he would get mad at him but he didn't care, if a lesson needed to be taught that he behaved in a stupid manner, he deserved it. it never arrived though, changbin understood that he wasn't in the right but he also missed the red flags so he couldn't blame his friend for taking this approach.

"i just want her back bin. this song is all i fucking have and it already feels like it's done for." felix expressed and changbin just patted him on the back as he looked at the lyrics his member wrote.

"i think we can do it though, i think everything will be alright in the end." the older said as he continued the song with his verse and together they made it work. changbin hugged him and held him close as the other one just lost himself in his hyung.

if there was a feeling worse than losing you, it was missing you felix thought.

[ chorus : chan, seungmin & jeongin ] y si fuera por mí, estaría cerca de ti, ah (and if it was up to me, i would be close to you, ah) pero tengo que dejarte volar (but i gotta let you fly) supongo que es una parte de amar (i guess it's a part of love) y si fuera por mí, no me correría de tu lado (and if it was up to me, i wouldn't be moved from your side) apretados, pero ya embarcaste (tightly but you already sailed away) di todo lo que tengo por vos, pero sé que yo fui un desastre [i gave everything for you, but i know i was a disaster)

he knew his members would eventually fight him because he was the last one that saw you. the confrontation was tough because even though everyone was fond of each other, the glue that tied them together was you when the situations got hard. chan knew he didn't handle the situation well, he knew everyone was disappointed in him and blamed himself for you leaving every day. he didn't want to feel like this but it was impossible when he was so cold and distant with his words and actions.

as a leader he should've known better, as a person he should've been better.

"hyung please don't blame yourself." seungmin said as he sat down next to him. he was the only one who didn't yell at him and yet he thought he deserved it but the youngest wouldn't do it. "it was long overdue that they were gonna leave us because of how they felt and all of the signs were there."

"yeah but i had my chance to stop it and didn't" chan expressed, rotten and bitter that he still had to put up a fight against himself. if he couldn't keep you, he wouldn't be able to keep anything, not like he cared since the only thing he wanted right now was to see you again.

"maybe you did but we can't keep on thinking that, we need to do something about it." seungmin said and chan nodded. he was right, he couldn't leave in the shadows forever, he couldn't keep on taking the bullet because it would only make it worse for him.

he really gave everything for you but it wasn't enough. even like he said, he was a disaster and there was no changing what went down or how it happened. there was only hoping that it would all heal and you would be able to continue what you once started. or maybe there would be a part where he would have to let go finally.

jeongin got lost in a train of thought when he had to say his verse. he got completely caught up in a moment that happened so long ago that all he could do was stare as he tried to say his lyrics but chan told him to start all over again.

"innie i know it's hard but i'm always here for you." you said and that should've been sweet but it wasn't because he responded the worst way possible.

"please go (y/n), i can't do this right now." he said and it made him physically recoil. like he could not understand why he was so distant, why he felt the need to talk to you like that and of course he remembers it now that he doesn't have a chance at all.

he was mad at himself not only because of that, because of everything they made you go through. maybe it was for the best that you went away because if you did stay, things would've gotten worse. but he wouldn't go without a fight as stupid and cliche as it was, he needed to fight for you and what your love was.

[ verse 4 : hyunjin, felix & minho ] sé que mucho arriesgaste, pero mirá al final (i know you risked a lot but look at the end) paso la noche viendo las fotos que tengo de los dos (i spent the nights looking at the photos i got from both of us) cara de póker cuando mi brother pregunta: "¿qué pasó?" (poker face when my brother asks the question "what happened?") yo solo estoy enfocado en ver cómo soltarte (i'm only focused on seeing how i let you go) bebé, no quiero perderte (baby, i don't wanna lose you) pero menos que me pierdas una oportunidad (but less that you make me lose the chance) eso significa no verte, fuck mi mala suerte (that means not seeing you, fuck my bad luck) tengo que aprender a soltar (i need to learn to let go)

minho remembers taking a picture of you, it was by the han river and you were making a peace sign. late at night when no one could see him and you didn't have to hide from the public. he wanted to keep you there forever, cherish you and make you feel loved.

"god i look so bad, delete it." you said and he just shook his head as he embraced you, giving you a tight hug. covering you with his coat as the wind blew near the water, it got suddenly colder. you accepted his tenderness and love as you laid your head on his shoulder.

"you look good all the time." he said, smiling and giving you a kiss on the forehead. you blushed as you looked up to meet his eyes and then suddenly closed them to meet him in a peaceful and lovely kiss that you would be sure to remember. well at least he still remembered and felt it from time to time.

"stop daydreaming." hyunjin said as he woke up minho from his daily session of reimagining things again and he sighed, annoyed by the others' presence but he knew they had to record their lines together. "It's all about letting go now like the lyrics say."

"yeah none of us are doing a good job at that." felix said as he walked in, his hair a mess and his voice raspier than usual. he knew he wasn't doing well but this was bottom of the barrel and he just didn't know how to take care of himself anymore.

"tired of saying we'll probably get a chance when i actually don't know." minho mumbled to himself but the other two catched it and nodded along. this was gonna be a tough act to put on but they needed to keep going till the end. a bad loser was one that wouldn't even show up, at least they were trying to win something out of this.

[ chorus : jisung, chan & seungmin ] y si fuera por mí (yoh, yoh), estaría cerca de ti, yeah (and if it was up to me, i would be close to you, yeah) pero tengo que dejarte volar (but i gotta let you fly) supongo que es una parte de amar (i guess it's a part of love)

jisung was in the last chorus because that's what they decided on. he sighed as he had only one verse, the last one to make the chance count. even now he was feeling nervous for one line, he never felt this tense since he started being in stray kids and now he just wanted to shut himself off and close the door to his bedroom to not think about you. he was always invaded by memories anyways, so it's not like he could stop it but right now all the flashbacks like a movie were on his mind and he felt the tears build up.

seungmin found himself saying the last lyric of the song, thinking of the times when you would be staring at him before you two kissed. he didn't want to let go even if the song said otherwise but it would be the best option if things didn't go as planned.

"i love you minnie." you whispered to him after an award show one day. they had collected most of the trophies yet none of them felt as good as your love and having you by his side (as corny as it sounds).

"i love you too." he whispered back and kissed your cheek as you were leaving the place were it took place. fingers intertwined and smiles on both of your faces.

he remembered it with such love but deep pain as he pronounced his lyrics. i guess it's a part of love huh? he thought to himself as he saw the video going up, the song reaching an incredible amount of listens and going viral on every platform

maybe something good would come out of this.

+ 1

you knew it was about you and it was absolutely everywhere. you didn't have a friend who didn't send you the song and you didn't have a coworker who didn't talk about it. the new stray kids song is so sad that it will make you cry but it's still a vibe or whatever the headlines were saying. you were done with it but because your curiosity was over the roof, you knew you had to listen to it at least once.

and you did, you took in all the lyrics, all the verses and the chorus. you sighed when you finished it, is it really like this? do they really want you back? do they crave to be close to you like they say? you didn't know fully. maybe they just took in the situation and made the song for clout. but you knew them better than that and wouldn't do that if they weren't truly sorry, it was a whole mess to think about this.

you unblocked all of them, the hardest one to unblock being chan but you did it. speaking of the devil, he sent you a message as soon as you did unblock him and it was like destiny or magic or something insane because he couldn't believe he was no longer prohibited on your phone as he started spamming you.

then soon everyone started messaging you and it felt like the old times, bringing back a smile to your face. it looks like they really did miss you and wanted you back.

you opened seungmin's chat and wrote just two words.

one chance.

#sourbinnie #skz imagines #skz songfics #skz #stray kids imagines #stray kids x reader #skz x reader #skz x you #skz angst #stray kids angst #skz scenarios #ot8 x reader #skz ot8 #skz drabbles #stray kids drabbles #stray kids scenarios #stray kids fanfic #skz fanfic #skz x gn reader

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rj-orion · 1 month

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"Found You." A short story by me!!

"I found you!!" I screeched at my sister as she emerged from her not so amazing hiding spot, "I always finding you! You suck at this game!"

My sister scoffed and rolled her eyes, momma says she'll see her brain one of these days, "You only find me because I let you!" Not a chance, she's just bad at hide and seek. Even if she's older than me.

"Nu-uh! Prove it! Hide really *really* good a-and I'll still find you!" She agrees to my terms and I start counting.

"60 seconds!" She tells over her shoulder as she runs away.

That's all it took. Just 60 seconds for my sister to disappear. I remember that day like it just happened, even after 20 years. I closed my little eyes and started counting, I wasn't that good at numbers yet, but I am now. I had visited our old house as soon as I got my investigation licence. Our parents still lived there, so it was nice to see them, but I was on the job.

I searched her old room, and mine. Mom and dad refused to change them at all. There was a thicker layer of dust on her stuff then there was on mine. I read her notebooks, her journals, her old computer still worked too so I searched that. Nothing all that useful though.

Siera wasn't very secretive, she told me everything, and told our parents even more. She couldn't lie if her life depended on it. That was fact.

I searched the house more than once, twice, even three times before deciding to move outside. Looking at the backyard made me feel way too big; this yard used to feel like a jungle when I was 7.

I started walking around the graveyard of painful bittersweet memories, grimacing with a sad smile at the place I had found her last. I had always felt guilty for telling her to hide again. She didn't have to listen to me, but she did. 'That's what big sisters do', she said.

I tried to think how she would think; where would I go, as an 12 year old, to hide from a 7 year old.

My first thought was the treeline, but police and dogs and even helicopters had gone over this forest maybe a hundred times so I decided to rule that option out.

The next thought was the cliffs. We lived in the mountains, no 7 year old would go to the cliffs...

So that's where I went.

The woods were thicker out here, like they didn't want to be walked into. Strangely enough; it got thinner as quick as it had gotten thicker, and the woods were normal again, albeit a little quiet.

It's about midday when I realise I'd been walking for a while. I didn't know the woods were so vast back here; I thought I'd surely have reached the mountains by now.

I paused to take note of my surroundings; trees, weird rock, more trees, a small puddle from the recent rain storm, more trees.. it felt like it was going on forever. I checked my watch to see how much longer I could be out here and–

"What the hell.." I muttered, confused. My watch said 8:45, the exact same time I had walked into the woods back at the house, "Goddamn smart watch.. I probably don't have good connection.." I sighed heavily and shook my head, figuring that I'd just need to judge it based on the sun.

I was about to keep walking when I heard what sounded like a woman's voice far out to my left; against my better judgement and my knowledge I yelled out a simple 'Hello?', only to get silence in return. I shrugged and kept walking, it was most likely a bird.

I kept hearing that woman, she sounded like she was getting closer the more I walked and she sounded like she needed help. 'Shes on my path, why not check it out..' I found myself thinking. And then I found myself walking a little faster; an uneasy feeling started to settle under my skin. Like the unhinged and more deranged cousin of goosebumps.

Then I was running. I wasn't sure what started it; the birds started getting really loud, a heard something big run through the forest–probably a bear–and then, all of a sudden, everything went still.

No more birds. I stopped running, almost tripping. The only sound was 2 pairs of ragged breathing. Mine, and...

A felt a gust of hot air on my back and the smell of rancid, rotting meat fill my nose. I quickly turned around to see—

There she stood; 15 feet tall. Her hair was the only thing that distinguished her. Long and deep, deep red. Her other features were...long gone. Her skin was replaced and stretched over a lengthy, bony body, and it had blackened to the colour of obsidian.

She didn't have a face anymore. In it's place was a long, uneven and cracked, pale white skull. Branch like antlers shot out from either side of her head. This wasn't my Siera anymore, but still...

"I found you, again.."

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regular-lord-reckoner · 2 months

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hello.

just wanted to pop in for a minute because i said i would and then i didn't, so...here i am finally.

not much is really new, i guess, nothing all that good anyway.

i guess the one bit of good news is our "neighbors" R and C finally moved their camper back to where it was before this arrangement which is still in the same city just on an actual campground. That was at the beginning of this month so that's been nice.

again, nothing against them personally really, it's just...they were always right there, y'know?

especially it seemed every time i'd be at my wit's end for one reason or another and all i'm trying to do is get a package off the porch or let the dog out and then here's one of them just pulling up or C especially would get home from work and just...be in the yard until the sun went down.

and i'd have to just force a smile and act like i'm not completely losing my shit when all i wanted was just to go back inside so that was kinda rough, but it's over now so yay.

i won't complain too much because i know i did a lot of that before and i really don't mean to be so hard on them or on anyone, but it did feel at times like things just sort of crossed the line at least in my mind, but I feel like I can get over it easier now that they're not right there.

although I'm not as sure about R. I don't really know fully what's going on with her, but she's really made herself unpopular at work by the sounds of it and from what i gather it's because she's being rude to the patients and her coworkers.

like, i've heard several times now where something happened that's actually something she did wrong, but rather than just own the mistake and try to fix it she just...argues with whoever pointed it out to her until she gets all upset and goes crying into one of the managers offices and i dunno if it's because she's still trying to get them to just fire her or what, but like....they're not gonna, they don't want to pay her unemployment.

and i still stand by, hey, if that's the route you want to go about this, at least do it in a way that doesn't take out your shit on other people, especially ones who don't deserve it.

and what's really pissed me off is she actually checked in another family friend of ours who really wasn't feeling well (and even had to tell R that to try to get her to back off), but i guess she didn't recognize her even though they've met and for whatever reason she gave this friend that hardest fucking time for no goddamn reason.

like gaslighting her about what time she actually got there for her appointment and was telling her she wouldn't be seen even though she really wasn't even that late and then she even started being rude to one of the other patients standing there waiting and that friend had to come to their defense and it just makes me wonder like...how many other patients is this happening with?

again, just...hate it that you're unhappy here, genuinely sorry this job is giving you such a tough time, but i'm really just at a loss here because i've offered to help train her further, i've given her the names of people who could help further train her, i've given her some pointers and tips and i've also emphasized just how important it is for that job to be done correctly (especially as it affects my mom's schedule) and yet she still just shows up every day, half-asses it without accepting any help from anyone even when they offer, gets pissed off at everyone including the patients and then dips early to leave the other front desk person to be the last one out every day.

okay!!! i guess!!!

and it's also made me mad because she has talked some to that other front desk lady who's of course relayed this to my mom, but like...apparently R's version of events is that she's just go unhappy living down here and was happier where they were before and it's so sad because they did us this huge favor by coming down here to help take care of my dad and she just doesn't know what's happened now and blah blah blah, but by the sounds of it i guess this situation was really helpful to them financially which is great, but like............that was never the deal!!!

it also just kills me like, wait a minute......you guys VOLUNTEERED to help with my dad. we did not ask you. in fact, he wasn't really the biggest fan of the idea, nor was i. my mom wanted the help, though, so she agreed, but even she made it clear that they didn't have to do that because even she was on the fence about doing something that big.

we also had to work it out with the county and everything and they had told us we could only do it for six months but it ended up being 10 and no one ever came out and said anything or told us to stop, but that alone right there was like....hey, we can't guarantee anything, they may come out here the day the six months is up and tell you guys to pack it up, we have no clue, but point is....this was never an indefinite arrangement.

we said we'd play it by ear and see how it goes and i guess my mom really want to give C plenty of time to do whatever projects he was going to do, but this was never, ever once mentioned about being a mutually beneficial thing of like, "hey, we give you some help with your situation and you help us with ours!!" they acted like this was purely out of the goodness of their hearts and all for our benefit and then it's like....you guys come out here and don't do the stuff we wanted, do a bunch of stuff we didn't actually want and then R goes to work and actively fucks up my mom's day so bad almost every goddamn day that she doesn't get lunch (and i've told her that's what happens so she can't pretend like she has no clue!!!) and yet somehow......you guys were doing us a favor????

you didn't get out here until like....what, a few days before he died and helped me all of one day with him??

also, not for nothing but like...of this ten months my mom never charged them any rent and only after six months did she ask for some utilities and even then she would low ball it or not even ask for it if C had done a lot of stuff around the place for us and i even let R use my car for a while even though there were two perfectly good other vehicles sitting there that nobody was using she could have used instead but for some reason it just had to be my car.

she even bragged to that same front desk lady before that they were getting caught up on all their bills and saving up all this money and everything so like....by no means is them moving out us like...tossing them out with nothing and yet by the way R's making it out to sound we (or i guess more specifically my mom) are doing them an unkindness somehow and i just can't wrap my head around that.

even when we had the discussion about them moving, it was actually C who brought it up to my mom, so we didn't even come down on them like, "get the fuck out of here already!!!" and even when they discussed it she didn't bring up any of the negative shit, she just put it like y'know, it's been about a year and we think we're ready to try this on our own for now but even in saying that she let them know they had plenty of time to figure out what they were going to do and it ended up taking a month longer than what they told us initially, but we were totally cool about it, didn't even ask, "hey, what's the hold up?" or anything, just rolled with the flow and yet i guess no matter what you do for some people it'll just never be enough.

and again, clearly if she's going through something i hate that for her, but like...don't take that out on us. or anyone for that matter. i know she had a little health concern there for a minute, but everything's good now so i hope maybe that'll bring her some peace and hopefully she can either find a new job that makes her happier or maybe they'll end up moving back to where she was happier or just...something.

i really didn't want things to be ugly like this and i'm sure there's probably something more we could have done on our part, but at the same time it's also kinda like....y'know, we really needed that time, especially right after my dad died, to just be able to breathe and focus on our own healing and it really ended up being more about helping them and doing stuff for them and around them than anything so that....kinda sucks!!!

oh, and one last thing before i ramble on some more and then disappear like homer back into the bushes, but as they were leaving C told me at some point he'd come back and that i ought to get out my dad's gun so he could teach me how to shoot it now that they'll be leaving and, i dunno, maybe i'm wrong for feeling this way because i'm sure his heart was in the right place but like.......bud, i don't do guns. i think we all know this about me at this point. for good reason.

secondly, uh......just because there's not gonna be a man around here anymore doesn't mean we're helpless sitting ducks. i'm not saying i would definitely win in some kind of altercation should someone try to attack me at home or whatever, but i dunno, man.

my thing of it is, if someone is going to get me it's probably going to be in a scenario where i'm not even close to the gun anyway, y'know? that fucker's staying inside and locked up, if i'm under attack i'm either using whatever i have around me as a weapon and/or i'm unleashing all the rage i have bottled up inside of me and hoping for the best.

literally the other day i thought, "hmm, what if someone came at me while i was in the pool, what would i do?" and i'd probably try to get on the deck, grab one of the chairs on there and use it as sort of a shield/battering ram and even if the person takes it from me that'll at least give me a few seconds to run or do something else.

i've also got pool chemicals down there so like...how's some pool shock in your eyes for ya? how about some algaecide! you want some chloride tablet dust hands all over your face? you got it!! how about i whack you real good with this skimmer pole? and if possible....push the attacker in the pool and make a run for it!! there's so many options and i have too much time to think about stuff like that, so like...i'll either be fine or it's my time then it's my time, either way uh....i think i'm good, thanks.

i dunno, that kinda irked me, but whatever. it's over and that's the important part. i hope maybe we can all still be friends but i guess we'll see how things go as time goes on. i'm kind of at a point now where i sort of just expect relationships to fall apart and i just don't really give a damn anymore.

in other news, i fucked up !!!

so, i've been doing this thing for a while now with my work from home stuff where like...i'm not always necessarily working for all the time i'm actually clocked in because i end up doing other stuff around the house or sometimes a break just gets away from me or i'll even go to appointments and stuff, but!!!!

one of my managers had told me that was okay because i always got my work done and for the most part i did!!

i frequently would stay up until midnight and work on the weekends off the clock to make up for the time and thought it was all evening out and it was all good, but apparently!!!!! it was not!!!!!!

and so one day i just kinda get slammed with this information and then had to have a phone call with the manager that makes me cry about this because it's apparently a big no-no to do things that way for one thing but for another i guess here lately i haven't been making up the time like i thought, especially with me working 50 hours a week, so!!!

fortunately i didn't get fired, some fucking how.

she said if someone else besides her had caught it i would have been immediately terminated (so hey, R, i guess i found a way to get instantly fired after all, lol, just do that!!) but instead i'm just no longer allowed to get any overtime, i can't work off the clock anymore and i'm definitely being monitored so i have to be really careful now whenever i get up to use the bathroom or take the dog out or wash some dishes or whatever that i'm not away from my computer for too long so now instead of getting distracted by chores for however long that takes i do one thing, run to my computer and do some work and then do another little thing and then back to my computer, etc.

but, hey, i'll take it since they're letting me stay which i really appreciate. i really honest to god thought i was making up for the time and didn't think it was a problem, but i guess the manager that told me it was okay didn't realize, i guess and on my end i just got sloppy with it so i apologized profusely and now i'm just dealing with the consequences.

i did manage to not cry, though. the only time i got a little choked up was when the manager i was speaking with was even at one point like, "honey, i'm surprised you're not burnt out..." because she said she could see where i was up until midnight or even later just working and the fact that she could tell i was but no one else really has was just kinda like, ha, wow.

but yeah. i'm also not sure now if i'll even get a raise this year, which it's usually only a few cents anyway so it's not like, "no, my big raise!!" but still. that few cents helps and especially now that i'm not getting that good overtime money i am....feeling it, mr krabs.

i was finally getting to a point after being set back a few thousand dollars on top of still being in my own debt where i felt like i could finally start to breathe again and was even putting some in savings but that's all gone out the window now and i'm having to be even more careful than i already was with my spending, but this one's my own damn fault so i can't really be too upset about it.

i've instead just hopped back on the job search train to hopefully see about getting a second job that i can work around this first one. if i find something that could replace this one then even better probably but i'll just have to see, it's been a slow process so far because i am indeed quite burnt out, but we're trying. i'm even willing to do something that'll have me in person somewhere since i've got a flo mask now and can breathe a little easier while still staying safe in public settings so i could probably handle something like that with better peace of mind now.

hopefully i find something soon, but if not i'll figure it out.

sucks, though too because i started something with my gyn back when i was making that better money that i'm now getting bills for and we're still not done so...yippee (i think i can set up a payment plan, though and even if it takes me years i'll pay it all off).

basically when i finally had that goddamn appointment i was losing my mind over i had my checkup and everything went good there, but i also brought up the fact that i.want.an.ablation.

and i thought my np was going to be receptive to it, but when i actually got there i kind of felt like i strated getting the run around a little.

the first thing she said to me was, "well, with your weight..." and i pretty much mentally blacked out after that because a million thoughts (many of them from my disordered eating past) started swirling and all i could think about was "lose the weight, lose the weight now, oh my god, you've fucked this up for yourself, you fucking idiot" so i didn't really get the whole gist of what she was saying about that, but i did also think it was kind of weird because my mom was bigger than i am when she had hers done and it wasn't an issue so like ???

she also mentioned something about potential bleeding or whatever, but again i could barely focus at that point and whatever she was saying, it wasn't a complete no either so we went ahead with the exam and made a plan (she also asked me about my dad at one point, like "how's your dad doing?" and i had to break the news to her while i was sitting there like...basically naked and about to get my pap smeared. so that was neat. she was nice about it though and i do like this np because she at least went to get a mask when she saw mine so i'll give her that).

when she was doing my exam she said my uterus seemed like it was sitting a little low which could indicate it might be heavy for some reason and i know this is terrible but i was praying to every force in the universe that that bitch was full of fibroids like my mom's or just...something that would render me getting this procedure done or having the whole thing taken out, something.

she wanted me to have another period and then come in for a transvaginal ultrasound so we could see what that was about and granted she did give me some medicine to take that would help make my periods less intense (because that's the other reason i want this, i do not want to have any more fucking periods, especially with how heavy mine are!!!!) but it's these two big honking ass pills i gotta take three times a day while i'm on my period but it's only for five days and mine area usually seven (plus it's like $50 and part of the idea is also like....i'm tired of spending money on period products, why the fuck would i want to spend $50 a month on this medicine AND still have to buy period products??) and yeah, they seem to help some without counteracting the medicine i need to actually be able to walk and all that shit (although the jury's still undecided about that one because it's hard to tell if i'm just regular old exhausted or if it's those pills but i did seem to have a harder time getting around and was overall a lot weaker on them so...who knows) but i just don't know if it's a long-term solution for me.

in any case, i did a round of that and had my ultrasound and the only thing it showed was a spot that could potentially be a polyp but it could also be blood or something else, so she wanted me to have another period on those pills (which i have now) and i go in next week for another ultrasound to see if it's cleared up or still there and if we can see it any clearer if it is.

and if it is still there they may go in and go in to clear it out and that might give me some period relief as well or i dunno, whatever the case calls for i guess, but apparently as soon as i have that ultrasound done i finally get to meet with one of the doctors that does the surgery to plead my case, i guess, so fingers fucking crossed.

i've prepared myself to hear bad news, so i guess at this point if i don't get it i'll at least be saving some money, so i'll look at this that way and i guess if i just tough it out for a while longer i'lll probably be in menopause before i know it so i'll just suck it up if that's what it comes down to, but i'm open to trying some other options first, i just know a lot of traditional birth control fucks with my medication and i just....can't do that but that'll be for me to sort out and i will, whatever the answer ends up being.

oh, and i did try to clarify with her what the cautions were again at that second appointment when i had a clearer head and she didn't mention my weight again, but did say something about the bleeding and i guess it's something about how especially in younger patients they're starting to see internal bleeding around menopause or something and it's hard to tell if it's from the ablation or something else or what, but again i even ran that by mom who's a nurse and she was like, "mmmm, okay" so it really feels like they're just gonna hit me with every excuse they can think of to deter me, but i expected that so i'm not really shocked, just kind of annoyed.

it really does just piss me off to no end that like...i, someone who's almost 34 goddamn years old, can't just be like, "hey, hate this shit and i want it to stop, plus getting pregnant is not something i have any interest in doing whatsoever and i'm pretty sure i physically couldn't do it anyway, please let me make this perfectly rational decision for my body that would help with both of these things without running the risk of making my disability harder to deal with or drastically fucking up my hormones, please," and it be like, "okay, sure thing," and we just do the damn procedure.

but hey, at this point, if by some miracle i'm able to get one i'll shut the fuck up because i realize at this point even being able to still have access to any kind of birth control (whether it would work for me or not) is a blessing so i'll just take whatever answer i get and try to make the best of it.

so that's that saga for now, i'll keep you posted, i guess. and speaking of appointments and health stuff....now on to my therapy. yay.

i decided i wanted to cancel my appointment that was supposed to be this most recent thursday because for one thing i didn't really feel up to it and for another i was tighter on money this week so rather than owe her more than what i already do (which i'm paying her back, too, just like with everything else it's slow going) but anyway, i emailed her on monday and didn't hear anything back.

i know i've mentioned to her several times that i don't have good cell service at my house and she knows i work from home and never go anywhere except the grocery store, plus i know she's said that she responds to texts faster, but like...by no means had she ever said she doesn't respond to emails at all and i know we've emailed in the past so like...okay.

it gets to be wednesday in the afternoon past lunch time and still no response so i just say fuck it and clock out from work, get in my car and drive out to where there's cell service and sent her a text letting her know i needed to cancel my appointment and maybe this is my fuck up, but i did also mention that i had sent an email and i was having to clock out and drive out just to send a text and i wasn't really sure how to reschedule since this seemed like the only means of communication now.

i waited a few minutes but didn't think she'd get back to me right away anyway, plus i needed to get back to work so i went ahead and drove home, but she never did email me back and instead a few days later (because of the bad cell service i keep mentioning) i finally got her response through text and it just said "gotcha" and another that said "you can leave a voicemail at this number" and i dunno, i'm probably overreacting but that just felt...kinda shitty to me??

you're a therapist who primarily deals with neurodivergent clients, you know your patients hate talking on the phone. and again, i've told her over and over and over again the thing about the cell service and i guess it was never said explicitly like, "hey, please let me communicate through email with you about appointments and stuff" but it was also never said officially, "hey, i refuse to check my email or respond to any of them even when i know they're there and even though i'm supposed to be a professional" so like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

and i dunno, i guess i'm just extra pissy, too because i've been sort of thinking for a minute now anyway that i might need to find a new therapist.

don't get me wrong, she has helped me quite a bit in this past year and i don't know what i would have done if there wasn't someone i could talk to about all this shit, but that was part of the problem is that even though i've been going for over a year now it still feels like sometimes i have to explain things i've explained a thousand times before all over again (like in particular anything about grief she always treats me like i'm a novice at this and i always have to be like, "yeah, well like with my sister...." to remind her) and it's just kind of frustrating because i only get an hour and i'm paying all this money and it's like...are you even really listening to me? do you actually care?

i know she has a lot of clients and i know it has to be a lot to keep up with but i dunno. i especially felt like at our last session before this interaction even happened that she was a little short with me?

i chalked it up to her just having a bad day because she did mention some insurance shit (and of course mine always gives her trouble and i always hear about it first thing and i'm just like....yeah, i don't really know what to do about that, you keep saying your lady who does your financial shit is going to reach out to me to clear all this up but she never does and my insurance card says i can't contact them so i dunno what to really do other than just keep overpaying for my sessions until i'm caught up i guess, sorry) but maybe it's me. probably it's me. isn't it always?

she's also the type of therapist anyway that will admit to you that she likes to sort of work herself out of clients, i.e. help them enough to where they don't really need her and i guess in my case i probably haven't progressed all that much and certainly after a year if i'm still making appointments and am behind on my payments i guess i'm just taking up space so maybe she's fed up with me, but i wish she'd just say that so i could just work on finishing up what i owe her and move on to someone else, y'know?

also, not for nothing but like...i feel like sometimes in our sessions we talk more about her and she monopolizes the conversation more than i ever really get to talk about shit and i don't really think our worldviews are as compatible as i thought they were so i've been a little bit on pins and needles anyway for a while, but was willing to still give it a chance because i know how i am and i wanted to really give this a shot, but it's just becoming less and less worth the hassle and is starting to create more stress for me than anything, so i've tentatively started to make a list of other therapists, but i'm willing to give this another chance or two before i make my decision.

really sucks, too because i've been trying really hard lately to get my mom into therapy and i didn't even want to tell her about any of this so as not to deter her from wanting to give it a shot, but i ended up telling her anyway today because i got upset about her drinking again and needed her to know i'm really struggling over here and don't even have any help at the moment and so it's just really tough for me when i can't even leave the house for a few hours without her getting blackout drunk.

it really got to me today because one of my aunts has come up from florida to see my grandma because we're getting to that point where uh...she might not be here soon so she really wanted to see her, well, that was all well and good except of course she flew in yesterday with all that shit going on so everything was delayed and we had to go to atlanta to pick her up and i don't think she was wearing a mask so already i'm just like....awesome.

y'know, i get it, i reached a point sometime last year where it was like, "okay, i'm in a position where whether i like it or not i'm going to be around people who aren't masking all the time and maaaaybe we have gotten to a point where it's cool as long as i'm still mostly isolating and staying up to date on my vaccines? so i took some more risks and boy did i pay for that!! i tend to forget i've got that weak immune system, babey, so i especially can't play those games, plus i really don't want to get anyone else sick so i've masked again and my mom still masks at work but i don't think she does it all the time so that's frustrating, but like...my aunt just traveled and was at the airport during a super busy time so it'll be a fucking miracle if nobody ends up getting sick.

i've harped on and on and on especially lately about how worried i am about covid and bird flu and how i'm especially vulnerable and i've tried to be really understanding and patient about it because i get how human beings work, i get how it fucks with people's heads to go out in public all the time and not see anyone but one or two people, if that, still masking, i get it's still "out of sight, out of mind" in a lot of ways, but just....fuck.

so, i'm stressed about that, but also i went to actually drop her off at my grandma's today (which i know it's like, "if you're worried about people getting sick should they still be visiting?" and i hate to say it, but they're both old enough and educated enough about this to know the risks and my grandmother wakes up every morning begging Jesus for death so i don't think she really cares, tbh) and i ended up taking a route that's over this windy ass mountain and of course it was pouring torrential rain as i'm doing it so i get through all of that and i get a little closer to home before i try to call my mom to see if she needs me to stop and get her anything on my way in, plus just let her know i got my aunt there safe and all that and she kept picking up the phone but just....not responding.

and i thought at first it was a technical issue on my end or sometimes our land line does weird shit like that, so i wasn't freaking out just yet although a part of me was like, "oh my god, she's on the floor injured and is trying to answer me but can't" but as i later came to find out she was just super duper drunk. i managed to even get her on the phone a few times but she kept hanging up on me she was so out of it.

and i dunno, i know this makes me a massive child, especially at my age, but it just kinda hit me like, "oh shit, i'm really alone in this bitch, huh?"

like...what if something had happened to me? or to my aunt? what if we'd gotten into a car crash driving through that rain? she wouldn't have been able to come to the ER, she would have needed to sleep it off.

and i mean, that's fine, i guess. i'm a big girl, i need to deal with shit on my own, it just sucks that she couldn't even wait until i got home to get that messed up. i wouldn't have been happy about it, but i probably wouldn't have said anything other than encourage her to go lie down when it was obvious she was getting too far gone, but since i wasn't there she passed that point and it's like...here i am, stressed out about a million different things, we just had my sister's death anniversary last weekend and we've got the double whammy next month of my dad's one year passing anniversary and then a week later his birthday, i just drove through hell and i'm calling you trying to do something nice for you and you're hanging up on me and don't give a fuck what happens to me because you just had to get shitfaced drunk in the middle of the day.

but i calmed down some and she sobered up some (not before drinking again later, but still) and i apologized and just kinda of let her know a little of what's been going on and why i'm so stressed.

i know it won't make a difference and i know she's probably never going to change and it's only going to get worse, but i just wanted her to know it wasn't coming from nowhere and it's just frustrating this keeps happening and only seems to get worse as time goes on.

sometimes i think it might finally be getting better or she might finally be willing to go to therapy, but then we have another day like this and it just kinda shatters that reality.

i really have tried to be patient and give her grace and just gently usher her off to bed while i take care of the dog and shut everything down and clean everything up and try to make things easy for her, but it's like i'm just doomed to sit here and watch everyone i love self-destruct in some way or another and there's not a goddamn thing i can do about it except every so often scream and cry about it, but that also doesn't really change shit so oh well.

she'll either get help or won't but my tears clearly mean dick to her or to this addiction and i'm too exhausted to keep pleading my case so in the mean time i've started making a list again of potential therapists for her so she can look them over and i'll help in any way i can to get her set up with all of that, but after that the ball is fully fucking in her court, i can't do it anymore

i've sort of been her stand in therapist this entire time which we both know isn't appropriate or fair to me but clearly nothing's quite as good as alcohol and if it's at this point where it's truly more important than me then so be it, i guess.

i still love her very much and she's kind of all i have left as far as people i'm close to so i don't want to lose her in any sense, but i'm also just sort of preparing myself for that just in case i need to leave here and focus just on myself or she kicks me out or just...something.

my dad had told me he was concerned about how things would go for us, especially with her drinking, but he did all he could do and i did all i could do and that's that, i guess.

it just really sucks that he's not here anymore for me to talk to about this. he understood. so did ashley. i would give any fucking thing on this earth to just be able to talk to either of them again. i've truly never felt more alone in my life than i have these past few months or years at this point, i don't even know, but i'm just kind of done with everyone and everything at the moment. i'm on autopilot.

i'm going to just try to find enjoyment wherever i can and hold on to that and just keep doing my best even if it's shitty and not good enough for anyone else and even if everything around me continues to fall apart and just get worse and worse as times goes on i'm going to just....keep going, i guess. until i can't anymore.

one thing, though that i've decided is that i refuse to be a nuisance to anyone else. i really don't want to be that person that takes my shit out on anyone else just because i'm a miserable bastard having a rough time of it with things, especially shit that's mine to sort out anyway.

i don't care where i end up or what happens to me, i would really rather beat the shit out of myself until i'm all bruises or give myself a concussion before i become so miserable i decide to take it out on someone else, in any way. even if someone's hurt me, i don't give a shit about getting even or getting revenge or any of that petty bullshit, i just want to be left the fuck alone and honestly the more i go on, the better that probably is.

i'm probably just not in a good head space right now and will change my mind later and who knows, may even try to make new connections later, but for the time being i just want to sleep for about a hundred years straight and then worry about being a person after that.

anyway, this is very long and quite a bummer so i apologize if you've read all this.

i kept waiting to make an update until i'd have something positive to end on at least or something promising to look forward to, but uh...nope. seems like shit just kinda gets a little worse every day and i know it's only a drop in the bucket compared to how life in general is right now for everyone so i'll wrap up this little whine fest, i just hate that i pretty much abandoned this space even though i like being on here (i also get a lot of naked bots following me when i don't post for a while so there's that, too).

anyway, hopefully the next time i pop in for an update i'll have better news or i might just stick my head in now and again more often, i keep saying that but then...yeah.

anyway, hope if you're reading this life's treating you well and if it's not i hope it will soon. i know shit's really rough right now so i hope you're finding joy whenever and wherever possible and holding on to it.

later days <3

#just an update #long post

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hyunniewow · 1 month

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writing about my personal life part 1

the first memory of me seeing him was probably when i was in 9th the crucial time of my year. at one glace he made my heart skip a beat it was different no one has made me feel like this before. he was a year older than me. in my school dating a senior would be considered weird more preference is given to the people of your same age. i felt like people would find it weird if i would like a guy elder my age so i kept it hidden my one-sided love every night before going to sleep i couldn't stop thinking about him he was living in my mind rent free i wasn't able to focus on my work which was bad considering the fact that i had my exams coming up within a month i tried mediation, yoga whatever u name it i finally thought of telling my frnds so that they could give me a solution of how do i break it or how i at least stop thinking about it for a month until my exams was over my friends supported my with my crush they teased me shipped me with him like how friends do we would also walk past his class just to see him and sometimes i think that he wouldn't even know I'm alive or i exist which was a saddening factor but i didn't take it too seriously because i didn't believe much in school romance. a whole year went like this me with this one-sided love and i barely passed my exams with pass mark which was quite embarrassing i passed to 10th and he in 11th. i was shifted to second floor and he was on ground floor which made a bit sad that i could not meet him but i was happy we had pe together every pe class i would take the effort and try to play basketball because he was a good basketball player. he played as a player for our school which i found very much stunning of him i tried my best not to make eye contact with him but he was just too good looking (describing him- he had wavy black hair with glasses, tall and quite firm in his arms, with tall ass legs and will look good in any outfit) after playing pe we would walk back to class when i turned around for goddamn no reason just to bump on him i wasnt even his shoulder height he looked at me and said "sorry are u hurt?" his deep voice made me stutter saying "n-no im-m o-o-okay" he smiled and waved me bye and went ahhhhhhhhh my heart couldn't handle my frnds were dumb struck at what happened well atleast he now know i exist. hey guys this is my first time writing i didn't have any idea or anything so i thought why don't i do this if u guys like it i can do a part 2 also if u guys have any inspo or anything idea u guys are free to tell me

#story #fyp #romance #schoolstory #fictionalstory #cute #fluff #fypシ #ideas

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perspectivestarters · 1 year

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Perspective's Sentence Starters; GUTS by Olivia Rodrigo (Part II)

LOGICAL

God, you're so good at what you do.

I'd put myself through hell for you.

I fell for you like water falls from the February sky.

No, I couldn't get out if I tried.

It was all in my mind.

I'm the love of your life.

No, love is never logical.

You built a giant castle with walls so high I couldn't see.

And all the things you did to me...

The sky is green, the grass is red, and you mean all those words you said.

I'm sure that girl is really your friend.

Our problems are all solvable.

Loving you is loving every argument you held over my head.

You brought up the girls you could have instead.

Said I was too young, I was too soft.

Said I can't take a joke, can't get you off

Oh, why do I do this?

I know I'm half responsible and that makes me feel horrible.

I know I could've stopped it all.

God, why didn't I stop it all?

GET HIM BACK!

I met a guy in the summer, and I left him in the spring.

He argued with me about everything.

He had an ego and a temper and a wandering eye.

He said he's six-foot-two, and I'm like, "Dude, nice try".

He was so much fun.

He had such weird friends.

He would take us out to parties, and the night would never end

When hе said something wrong, he'd just fly me to Francе.

I miss him some nights when I'm feeling depressed.

I remember every time he made a pass on my friend.

Do I love him? Do I hate him? I guess it's up and down.

I wanna get him back.

I wanna make him really jealous.

I wanna make him feel bad.

I really miss him, and it makes me real sad.

I want sweet revenge.

I write him all these letters.

I miss the way he kisses and the way he made me laugh.

Everyone knew all of the shit that he'd do.

He said I was the only girl, but that just wasn't the truth.

When I told him how he hurt me, he'd tell me I was trippin'.

I am my father's daughter.

Maybe I could fix him.

I wanna key his ca.

I wanna make him lunch.

I wanna break his heart, then be the one to stitch it up.

Wanna kiss his face with an uppercut.

I wanna meet his mom just to tell her her son sucks.

I'll get him back.

I'm gonna get him so good, he's not even gonna know what hit him.

He's gonna love me and hate me at the same time.

Get him back, girl.

You better get him back!

I got him really good.

LOVE IS EMBARRASSING

I told my friends you were the one after I'd known you, like, a month.

Then you kissed some girl from high school?

I stayed in bed for, like, a week when you said space was what you need.

Waited by my phone like a goddamn fool.

Now it don't mean a thing.

God, love's fuckin' embarrassing.

Watch as I crucify myself for some weird second string loser who's not worth mentioning.

I consoled you while you cried over your ex-girlfriend's new guy.

My God, how could I be so stupid?

You found a new version of me and I damn near startеd World War III.

Jesus, what was I even doing?

I give up everything.

I placed my bets, and it's not worth anything.

I keep coming back for more.

I'm planning out my wedding with some guy I'm never marrying.

THE GRUDGE

I have nightmares each week.

One phone call from you and my entire world was changed.

Took everything I loved and crushed it in between your fingers.

I doubt you ever think about the damage that you did.

I hold onto every detail like my life depends on it.

My undying love, now, I hold it like a grudge.

I hear your voice every time that I think I'm not enough.

I try to be tough, but I wanna scream.

How could anybody do the things you did so easily?

You know I can't let it go.

I've tried for so long.

It takes strength to forgive, but I don't feel strong.

The arguments that I've won against you in my head.

I fantasize about a time you're a little fuckin' sorry

I try to understand why you would do this all to me.

You must be insecure, you must be so unhappy.

We both drew blood, but, man, those cuts were never equal.

Do you think I deserved it all?

You built me up to watch me fall.

You have everything, and you still want more.

But even after all this, you're still everything to me.

I know you don't care, I guess that that's fine.

It takes strength to forgive, but I'm not quite sure I'm there yet.

PRETTY ISN'T PRETTY

I bought a new prescription to try and stay calm.

There's always somethin' missing.

There's always somethin' in the mirror that I think looks wrong.

When pretty isn't pretty enough, what do you do?

I'd always feel the same.

Pretty isn't pretty enough anyway.

You can win the battle, but you'll never win the war.

You fix thе things you hated, and you'd still feel so insecure.

I try to ignorе it, but it's everything I see.

It's on the poster on the wall, it's in the shitty magazines.

It's in my phone, it's in my head, it's in the boys I bring to bed.

I don't know why I even try.

I bought all the clothes that they told me to buy.

I chased some dumb ideal my whole fucking life.

None of it matters.

You just feel like shit over and over again.

It'll never change.

TEENAGE DREAM

When am I gonna stop being wise beyond my years and just start being wise?

When am I gonna stop being a pretty young thing to guys?

When am I gonna stop being great for my age and just start being good?

When will it stop being cool to be quietly misunderstood?

Got your whole life ahead of you.

I fear that they already got all the best parts of me.

I'm sorry that I couldn't always be your teenage dream.

When does wide-eyed affection and all good intentions start to not be enough?

When will everyone have every reason to call all my bluffs?

When are all my excuses of learning my lessons gonna start to feel sad?

Will I spend all the rest of my years wishing I could go back?

They all say that it gets better.

It gets better the more you grow.

But what if I don't?

#rp sentence starters #rp sentence meme #rp sentence prompts #sentence starters #sentence meme #sentence prompts #lyric sentence starters #lyric starters #music starters #rp meme #rp memes #rp prompts #ask meme #exodusmusing #*mystarters #*guts

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lohstandfound · 11 months

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❓ and 😔 for wip ask game!

oops these are some long snippets. oh well

❓ any WIP snippet I want

"I'm not a goddamn mind reader, Chloe!" Brooke snapped.

This was new. Very new. Brooke never dared to raise her voice, at anyone. Especially not to her. Chloe just stared at Brooke for a moment, taken aback by the sudden outburst. Of course, this anger had been lying dormant for years. It was probably long overdue. Chloe pushed away the feeling as her face hardened once again. However, Brooke spoke again before she could.

"I don't know what you're feeling every second of every day because you never tell me! I take guesses at what you want me to say or want me to do. When I'm wrong, you yell at me. You boss me around, you tell me what to do, you treat me like- like- like some dumb lost puppy!"

Brooke took a breath, taking a moment to gather herself. Chloe opened her mouth to respond, but Brooke shot her a glare to say she wasn't done talking.

"Look, until you apologise, I have nothing more to say to you- nothing good to say to you. If you want to burn our bridges, then go for it. Fucking- yell at me again, ruin my life like you're just so determined to do to anyone who gets under your skin. Because I don't care anymore."

"Brooke-"

"If you want to mend things, then you have a lot of apologising to do. To me. To Jake. To Rich and Jenna, Michael and Jeremy. Everyone."

from a future chapter of my poets fic

😔 published lines or a section of a fic that was super sad, angsty, or difficult to write

the entirety of porcelain puppet

“You made me feel this way, okay? It was you and your stupid laugh and your stupid hair and the way you made me laugh and how you still fucking care! And I didn’t say a word. To you or anyone because you were happy. And goddammit, Jeremiah, your happiness meant more than my own. Your happiness meant the world to me. You were dating Christine, you were happy, you had everything you ever wanted, and I couldn’t tell you that I was coughing up flowers because I knew you would throw everything away. I loved you too much, and now I won’t be able to love you again. So, yeah, that stupid flower isn’t a problem.”

Jeremy stared at Michael, shocked. Michael had never gone off at him like this. He felt his eyes water. His best friend was hurting and he didn’t even notice.

Michael looked back at Jeremy and frowned. “I-… I’m sorry…” He said quietly. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you…” He watched as Jeremy looked down. “Can you… Can you leave me alone? Please?”

from your happiness means the world to me

#lohst.txt #ask tag #wip asks #theabyssgazesalsointoyou #bmc #be more chill #chloe valentine #brooke lohst #jeremy heere #michael mell #boyf riends #instead of the brooke and chloe thing i almost went with jake and brooke joking about poetry while he asks her on a friend date

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callunavulgari · 9 months

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Year In Life | 2023

Or that annual New Year’s meme where I talk about what the year was like to live through. 2023 features: a wedding (!!!), four (??) different trips (including the ridiculous two week long honeymoon in the PNW), and the death of a loved one.

1. What did you do in 2023 that you’d never done before? Took a trip to DC to see Joe Hisaishi live! Saw the natural history museum! Visited the PNW and saw: Mt Rainier, the redwoods, the most northwestern point of the US, Seattle, the Hoh rainforest including the Hall of Mosses, Lake Crescent, Forks, Crater Lake, Portland, the remnants of wildfires, a little place called Wild Pear with the best butternut squash soup I've had in my entire life, another little place that I can't remember the name of but had a sherpa stew that will warm my soul until death, and San Francisco! Saw the ghoul boys for Ghost Files Live! Went back to Vegas and saw U2 in the sphere! Planned a wedding! Had a bachelorette weekend! Oh, and yeah, GOT MARRIED!!!!!!!

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? My resolution for 2023 was to be HAPPY. And you know what? I fucking was. Other than the INTENSE anxiety of planning the wedding, 2023 treated me gently. My wedding day was singlehandedly the most blissful day of my entire life. I thought it was going to be a shit show, but goddamn if it wasn't perfect. So YES, I kept my new years resolution. And yes, I will make more for next year.

Resolutions for 2024 - Be happy and healthy. Eat good food. Doordash less, cook more. Exercise. Go on daily walks, even if they're short. Get dressed (almost) every day. Brush your teeth. Write 50k of sad ghost girl (or another original idea). Attend a pottery class. Also, cough, buy a house?

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? I don't think so? A couple facebook friends. One of my bridesmaids is due next year though.

4. Did anyone close to you die? My grandmother passed this year on the last day of our honeymoon. I got the news on a beach in San Francisco. My dad texted me a time of death. I was fine emotionally for the most part at first, she's had dementia for seven years and I'd said my goodbyes the last time that we visited. I was fine. FINE. And then Nick, thirteen days my husband, twelve years my partner, tentatively asked if I wanted to buy some flowers and toss them in the bay.

I cried. Not hard. But it broke something loose, something that saw the beauty of that place- waves lapping against the shores, the golden gate bridge looming in the distance, two little boys making sandcastles while a guy with a saxophone played for tourists closer to the street. I wanted to scream. As loudly as I could. Just to see if it would make a difference. I didn't. I wept quietly, shielded by my sunglasses, Nick holding my hand next to me and stared out at a bay that she'd never seen before, that she never would.

And then I shook my shoulders out and we went to go meet up for the sunset sail on the bay, which I'd booked since it was our last night. Something special. I didn't want to miss it, not on our last night. It was pretty, but bitterly cold because fog moved in when we neared Alcatraz and just wouldn't quit. The sunset was lovely. I was queasy from the rocking of the sailboat. I couldn't stop thinking about her.

I didn't cry again, not at the funeral, not at the small celebration of life afterwards. It hurts in a different way, I think, mourning the death of someone who has been lost to you for so many years while their body lingers on. I looked back at old facebook posts from when she was still her, when she wrote letters on my wall because she didn't understand how messenger worked. She was the third of four sisters, all gone before her. She used to have so many friends and so few people showed to the funeral. It would have made her sad to see, I think.

5. What countries did you visit? Alternatively, what is your favorite place that you did go this year? No countries. We nearly booked our honeymoon to Portugal, but turns out weddings are expensive and I managed to do two weeks in the PNW for half the cost. I will say though that I have wanted to visit the west coast for years, so I am incredibly glad that we went. My favorite of all of the places that we went is a tie between Mt Rainier and Crater Lake. One- the pull of a mountain is legit. I grew up with the Appalachians, but goddamn, it doesn't prepare you for the sight of something Like Mt Rainier. Two- nobody effing told me that Crater Lake was THAT blue. The water, brilliant blue. The sky, brilliant blue. The air, crisp. The rest of it, PACKED with chipmunks. It was amazing. The whole trip was, but damn.

Some highlights-

6. What would you like to have in 2024 that you lacked in 2023? My answer to this last year was a husband. And like, CHECKMARK there. For 2024, and I know that this is dreaming big, but we are going to try - TRY - to buy a house this year. We will have to see how that goes.

7. What date from 2023 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? August 26th 2023. ❤️ 8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? I married my best friend. And I also survived the wedding planning process, christ. I mean don't get me wrong, the day was great, it was beautiful, wouldn't change it for the world. But sometimes I think that I should have saved myself the stress and eloped somewhere.

9. What was your biggest failure? Eh, I mean I didn't lose the weight that I wanted for the wedding, but I'm not going to hold that against me. I bought a dress that I felt pretty in with the size I was at rather than the one I wanted to be and I do not regret that. I did a lot of weightlifting and I'm strong enough to do squats with Nick on my back, so that's progress enough for now. 10. Did you suffer illness or injury? We got covid again coming back from our honeymoon, which was less than ideal. Mask up in the giant metal tubes, friends.

11. What was the best thing you bought? I'm honestly blanking on this right now. We bought a ton of stuff for the wedding, so... that? I got some neat stuff at farmers markets. I treated myself to good headphones and a proper stand for my computer. 12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Honestly? Nick's mom. We had a falling out years and years ago and while we've had a steady truce going since about 2016-2017 or so, I always feel like we're on thin ice. She's a bit of a narcissist, she holds grudges, and honestly, I'm pretty sure that she'd despise anyone that Nick or his brother ended up with. She does not like other women.

But. She behaved herself for the wedding. There were a couple small things- she almost made our bartenders cry because they mixed up our drink packages (they fixed it, it wasn't a big deal, we had NA drinks leftover from the rehearsal the night before and they went to get more) and her dress was a pale enough pink that it showed up in all of the pictures as white, but you know what? It's a win. She seemed genuinely happy during the wedding. She didn't start shit or make a fool of herself. It was just nice.

Who knows what the future has in store on this front, but for now? I'm taking it as a win and moving on. 13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? So, my mother, stepfather, and both of my brothers didn't show up to the wedding. It... wasn't exactly unexpected and when it comes down to it both my sister and I were relieved that my mom wasn't there. If she had been I guarantee the day wouldn't have gone as smoothly as it did.

But I was upset that my brothers couldn't be there. They had legitimate reasons, but it still hurt. So not appalled so much, but definitely sad.

14. Where did most of your money go? Ha. Ha ha ha. Weddings are fucking expensive. We set a budget that would have been completely and totally reasonable if we'd had the wedding prior to 2020. And then we got to actually do the research and realized that our budget was laughably impossible. We had help from Nick's mom and his grandparents, but goddamn, every time I think of how much money was sunk into one day I want to vomit. 15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? The WEDDING. The HONEYMOON. Mt Rainier! Crater Lake! The redwoods! And then, y'know, on a smaller scale: seeing Joe Hisaishi in concert, seeing the Beatles show in Vegas again, getting to do a spooky little autumn drive to see the ghoul boys live. Books. I got a whimsical little tattoo with a flying whale and a castle in the sky.

16. What song will always remind you of 2023? Stand By Me. Paradise Valley. Hello Stranger. Glasgow Love Theme. The Spiritfarer soundtrack. A million Miley Cyrus (?) songs. Eat Your Young. Green Green Grass.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: i. happier or sadder? Happier. So much happier. ii. thinner or fatter? Same size, I think? More muscle, but the scale is the same. iii. richer or poorer? Uh, probably either poorer or around the same. We've recovered a bit from the wedding, but it's been rough. 18. What do you wish you’d done more of? I genuinely do wish that I'd taken better care of myself. My blood pressure has been up, I've been having more heart palpitations, more brain fog, more headaches. And I mean, I did weight lifting, great. But I do genuinely need to eat better. I need to lose weight not because I hate how I look, but because I have sleep apnea and can't tolerate the CPAP, which means that if I don't lose weight or get my tonsils removed my blood pressure will continue to spike until I die. So. Weight loss IS a legitimate goal this year, because it is necessary.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Being an anxious mess about the wedding? I mean that's easy to say now that it's in the rearview, but the ABSURD spikes of adrenaline that I would get just from thinking about the day could NOT have been healthy.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? For Christmas Eve, we honestly just kind of lounged around. We watched a movie. Made the most mouthwatering slow-cooked beef tenderloin that I splurged on from the local butcher. Opened our one present and proceeded to not read them OR make hot chocolate.

For Christmas Day, we opened our gifts, opened the cat's gifts, then went and had Christmas at Nick's aunt's house. Other than his cousin getting engaged to someone that the entire family hates, it went well. 21. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve? We spent it inside. I made a pasta bake while Nick made the pirozki. Unfortunately, I didn't take enough lactaid to counteract the sheer amount of cheese in the pasta so I spent the hours leading up to midnight feeling NOT well, and then we drank sparkling water out of some fancy glasses instead of the wine I bought. 22. Did you fall in love in 2023? Okay, so it sounds trite, but yes? I mean, obviously I've been in love with him since 2012. But I don't know. It's different? I feel more at peace with it. Yes, I love him, but he picked me. We picked each other forever and then swore it in front of all of our favorite people. I didn't expect it to feel much different, and I mean, it's still mostly the same. We sleep in the same bed, we eat the same food, we love the same cats, we kiss each other, we make stupid fart jokes. But it's different. At least a little bit. 23. Best month for you this year? End of August/early September was amazing, mostly because of the trip (and the wedding). <This was my answer last year and the year before, but it still holds true, for obvious reasons.

24. What was your favorite TV program? Of just 2022? All right, so, favorites in (mostly) chronological order: Owl House season 3, Lockwood and Co, The Last of Us, Russian Doll season 2, Shadow and Bone season 2, Extraordinary Attorney Woo, Vox Machina season 2, The Diplomat, Queer Eye, Wheel of Time season 2, Interview with the Vampire, Fionna and Cake, The Fall of the House of Usher, Scavengers Reign, Loki season 2, Castlevania: Noctourne, Yu Yu Hakusho live action, One Piece live action, Percy Jackson and the Olympians.

Of those, over all my favorite was Loki, hands down. The ENDING was just some of the best cinema I've seen at Marvel in YEARS. The score! UGH, it was perfection. Owl House season 3 was a close second.

Of just 2023, though? Probably Fionna and Cake. We honestly loved it so much. I think I ended up liking it more than I ever did Adventure Time.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? No hate! Well, at least no one that I know. At this point every active politician could get struck down by lightning and I would mourn very few of them.

26. What was the best book you read? Ugh, there were so many bangers this year. Honestly probably a tie between Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow and Tress and the Emerald Sea.

Honorable mentions: Starling House, A Power Unbound, A Day of Fallen Night, and Thistlefoot.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Hozier's new album has been a big part of my top 50. Oh, Epic the Musical has been an effing joy!

28. What did you want and got? A husband? Yeah, I'm gonna go with that. A husband. It's still weird to say.

29. What did you want but didn’t get? Ummmmmmmm, it's hard to say a honeymoon in Portugal because I am over the moon and not unappreciative of what we did do. But. I do REALLY wish that I'd gotten to see Portugal.

And on a more somber note, before we realized that my grandma was getting too bad to attend the wedding, I'd planned a dance with her. She always used to sing My Heart Will Go On to me when I was little, and I just, really wanted to have that. Instead, I played it for her the day that I said my goodbyes and showed her a picture of my dress. It was hard, but it was enough.

30. What was your favorite film of this year? I rewatched Lord of the Rings approximately a million times this year. Honestly most of the movies I DID watch were rewatches in some way or another. I loved Across the Spiderverse, the new Persuasion movie, and Nimona. Oh, and I watched Suzume in April and the Boy and the Heron for my birthday. All of those were amazing. Absolute top favorite was probably Suzume. Nimona is VERY close though. Same with Across the Spiderverse.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 34 this year! Which is great because I've had this whole weird thing where I was convinced that I would die at 33 since I was around 7 years old, so turning 34 was very nice. I did splurge a bit this year. We went to the Yuletide Village on Friday, which is basically the grounds for the Renaissance Festival done up in Christmas lights. I got to see Krampus! And Mari Lwyd! And drink hot cocoa! And buy a REALLY cool coat.

And then as if all that wasn't enough, on my actual birthday we booked a room at the bed and breakfast that our wedding was held at because they're selling it soon. We had good cheese and wine, got to revisit the pine chapel and dance all alone to our first dance song, then had dinner and walked around a lit up Granville. And then went back to our room at the B&B and did CENSORED things in my wedding dress (look, we were too tired that night and I had a fractured foot, it was a crazy day - leave me alone) and Nick surprised me with a birthday cake from the baker that we got our wedding cake from. It was nice. The breakfast the next morning was amazing.

And then we went to see The Boy and the Heron and had a relaxing Sunday. So you know, not a big deal at all. Definitely a far cry from last year where I, oh yes, covered for a coworker and then had to go to a company party at a restaurant that I hate.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Hm. Still Mal. 33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2023? Hahaha, my hybrid job turned into a completely remote job. Which is great in theory, but means that I spent most of 2023 in my pajamas without a bra. When I WASN'T in my pajamas, I tended towards jeans and t-shirts/sweaters. One of our friends got married in July though and I got to wear the COOLEST dress. 34. What kept you sane? Nick, usually. Rigby has been a huge help too. 35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? It was a good year for Hozier, imo. 36. What political issue stirred you the most? I have had “fuck Donald Trump” as the answer to this question since 2015. And for the first time in half a decade… it’s not him. It’s all the problems he left behind. So I guess it is still at least a LITTLE bit “FUCK DONALD TRUMP IN THE EAR 20156789 2023″

Actual answer to this question though - Gaza. Ukraine. And to a lesser extent- all of the bullshit corporate stooges trying to use AI to replace real workers. Also getting legitimately nervous about next year. Though Ohio DID turn out and voted to: not let the republicans fuck with majority rules, protect abortion rights, and legalized recreational marijuana. So, small wins, I guess.

37. Who did you miss? Mal. My brothers. My grandma. 38. Who was the best new person you met? I met this REALLY cool chick at the place I get my hair done. We bonded over her playing Zelda lofi in the hairwashing room and geeked out over Tears of the Kingdom. She's so freaking cool and I want to be her friend.

39. Talk about a new friend that you made this year: Other than her... I don't think I made any?

40. Post a picture from the beginning of the year: Technically from January 1st 2023 because I'm 90% sure that it was taken after midnight. We went to an INSANE warehouse party to ring in the New Year last year and were out much later than I wanted to be.

41. Post a picture from the end of the year From December 15th - which is apparently just the day that I get my hair done now. Since the wedding is over I finally committed to coloring my hair for the first time since 2020. It was long overdue and am excited to cut it short in the spring, but I actually think this is the first haircut where I miss the long hair?

42. A memorable meal discovered this year? Oh my GOD, that sherpa stew. We obviously had a lot of good food on our trip. Piroshky Piroshky was my favorite highlight from Pike's Place and then there was a restaurant in Salem, Oregon that had the BEST butternut squash soup and pulled pork that I have ever had. It was amazing. I would go back to Oregon for this soup alone.

But that sherpa stew. It cups my heart in its soupy little fist.

43. What was your favorite memory this year? Honestly, there were a lot of great moments this year. Obviously the wedding was the highlight, but the rest of it was pretty great too. The night of the Joe Hisaishi concert it stormed as the concert was finishing and since the venue was mostly outdoors, everyone got soaked. It was magical. The honeymoon highlights - the breathtaking awe of Mt Rainier, the beauty of the golden rays of the setting sun in the Hall of Mosses, the SIZE and GRANDNESS of Crater Lake. The drive up to Michigan to see Ghost Files live, how the drive there was this perfect little time capsule of autumn in the midwest, stormclouds on the horizon and corn fields all around us. The day after, when we stopped into Ann Arbor to visit the cherry store that's only in Michigan, how I found the BEST possible boots at a little store. How we found another amazing little independent book store just down the street. The way Nick's mom looked after the Cirque du Soleil Beatles show, where she turned to me and said that it was her best birthday ever. Dancing alone in the pavilion where we had our reception, crooning the song to each other in the dark while the lights from the pine chapel twinkled warmly at us from 20 feet away, beckoning.

And the wedding. Obviously the wedding.

The night before, where we had a private little ceremony at the stroke of midnight, there in the dark, nightsong all around us. Just us, our officiant, his brother, and my sister and her husband. My hair was damp and frizzy from the heat, from the helter skelter of the rehearsal earlier. He was in a t-shirt and slacks that were almost highwaters. But we read our vows to each other, sealed it with a kiss.

August 26th, 12:02am. A secret, just for us. Our siblings sworn to secrecy.

And then the next day, the note that was slipped under our door from our dear friend who officiated the wedding (both public and private), written on a torn bit of notebook paper: "May today be the first chaotic day of joy in a shared life full of chaotic joy." The breakfast: dutch baby with caramelized apples, sausage links, orange juice, earl grey. Watching Annie put together bouquets at the coffee table next to the kitchen. Going to work, putting tables together. Called back to the house, hair and makeup. Granola bars one and two. My girls singing Chapel of Love to me in the bridal suite, the swell of emotion in my heart - these are my people, they love me, they're so happy. First look, Nick's eyes, his smile. So familiar, that first almost wary glint, scared to look, scared he'll mess it up in front of the photographers, the way he smiled when he saw me, wide and real, almost a laugh, then the way it curled, lopsided, a bashful tilt to his mouth as he said my name. A hug. A moment of peace before the storm. A preying mantis on the porch railing, bumblebees buzzing around my skirt. Will I remember them in twenty years? In thirty?

Fast, fast, everything goes so fast afterwards. Separate. First look with dad, with girls, line up for the walk down the aisle, careful of the puddle. Listen for One Summers Day - they didn't get the song right and are playing the orchestral version instead of the piano. Instead of soft and sweet, there's brass in the pines, french horns ushering us to our spots. Wait wait, start walking - wedding party first. My dad is nervous next to me, he keeps fidgeting. Girls and groomsmen gone, glasgow love theme starts. I'm practically dragging my dad down the aisle. Annie warned me that everyone would stand, but it still catches me by surprise. Look up, bouquet tilted just so, don't trip on the roots. I don't even look at our guests, I don't check to see if my side looks lopsided without my family there, my eyes are on him, on Annie. My heart - I feel.

Ceremony goes fast. Seth reads Pablo Neruda. Tanya reads Neil Gaiman. My eyes are wet, I blink the tears back. Handfasting cords tied loosely, begin to get anxious about how I'm going to put the ring on with my hand tied, but Annie's already removing them. I put the ring on the wrong hand, a hot flash of shame gone in seconds, kiss kiss kiss- time for bubbles, walk.

Pictures. So many pictures. Go to bustle dress, granola bar 3. I choke on it. Back to the reception, big entrance. Too queasy to eat much, I picked at the bread, at the salad, at the chicken. Drank a ginger ale, left my martini untouched. Cake cutting, burst of sugar on the tongue, still queasy. Dancing soon - will I get it wrong? First dance- spun me a little too hard, but we laughed. I didn't feel the eyes on us. I fixed his glasses when they slipped down his nose, everyone laughed. Father-daughter dance, was it a mistake? Should have practiced, should have figured out how dads and daughters dance. Swayed. He kept me talking. Kept my mind off my nerves. Looking back on the wedding footage, everyone was crying. Mother-son dance, more tears. The sheer emotional whiplash of going from Baby Mine to Click Click Boom - but it's what his mom wanted, wanted to have the wedding party do the bernie. Cringy, but fine, we'll do it.

Group selfie on the dance floor, first couples dance dedicated to his grandparents - their anniversary was two days previous, so I found out what their song was and had the DJ play it for them. His grandpa cried. His grandma cried. I cried. The photographer cried. Next slow song, it's the song one of our groomsmen got married to - his wife already left, more tears because he's alone at the head table. Pulled away, golden hour photos. A dream. Beautiful. So queasy. Go back to the house to pee, almost vomit into the toilet, nearly black out. More photos. A moment of peace in the pines - they rickrolled everyone without me.

Dancing, how did I dance so much? Photographers leave. They're playing all my favorites now that we're back, too much dancing, need to sit down. Forgot about the bouquet toss, need to do it while I have the energy. So many people have left - make it gender neutral, get people up there. Whoever wants a bouquet. My best friend catches the bouquet. I hurl myself at her and almost take us to the ground. More dancing - where is Nick? Smoking cigars with his brother. More dancing. Someone gives me a martini, but I can only drink a few sips. So tired, my foot hurts, but another two hours to go.

We sing - Bohemian Rhapsody, Take On Me, The Time of My Life. Should we be embarrassed? Too happy. Sit, talk, make the rounds. More dancing.

Winding down. It's time, last two dances. Piano Man, the DJ makes everyone get in a ring around us, it's embarrassing, but god I'm so happy. Last dance, just us. Paradise Valley, crooning quietly to each other in the dark. Tears on my cheeks. On his. A kiss, no one can see, this one is just us.

Goodbyes, see you laters, can't find my phone, someone took it, need to find the phone, need to sit, need to get out of this stupid dress, my foot hurts. Bridesmaids taking charge, have things torn down and presentable in thirty minutes flat. More goodbyes, limp across the field with a groomsmen, still can't find my phone. Find my phone, take off the jewelry, get close to crying. Someone helps me upstairs? Or maybe I did it myself. Realize I can't get the dress off on my own. Think about crying. Foot hurts, why does it hurt so much? Officiant finds me, helps me take off my shoes. Unbuttons my dress for me, leaves it half on so she can figure out what's wrong with my foot. Oh, almost go into shock, oh, it's fractured. Go to the doctor? Honeymoon is in two days. She massages my aching shoulders, my feet. It's embarrassing, but she's an OT, she doesn't want me in pain.

Nick finds us, tired and drooping, but happy. Annie leaves. Sleep now? Yes, sleep. Hurting and more exhausted than we've ever been, but fuck, so happy. Such a good day. We did good.

44. What are you excited for next year? I am incredibly excited to no longer be planning a wedding. May buy a house. May go on a vacation. May quit my job. We'll see.

45. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2023: My valuable life lesson in the year of 2020 was: Life sucks. Keep your head on straight. Mourn your dead and love your living like you’ll never see them again. Live life like you could die tomorrow. And don’t take the little things for granted.

And you know what, I’m going to keep that. I think it’s a good reminder.

46. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: puff out your chest, take a deep breath you're gonna be okay if it's loud in your mind, just take your time you're gonna be okay - You're Gonna Be Okay, Ashh Blackwood

2018 me apparently quoted Singing in the Rain. 2019 quoted something sad and pretentious. 2020 me quoted This Year, because she was a dramatic bitch and hurting. 2021 me quoted an assurance that I wasn’t broken. 2022 me was tired and sad and just wanted to feel human again.

2023 me was a weird mess of anxiety, but mostly happy. The anxiety was a bitch, will always be a bitch. But this song kept me going.

#heather says what #year in review #2023 #new year's memes #tw: death #may have written an entirely too long stream of consciousness about the wedding #whoops

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gaykarstaagforever · 10 months

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I just watched 2008's Lake Mungo. Spoiler alert for this movie you can watch for free on Tubi.

First of all, let me say, there isn't even a LAKE at Lake Mungo. You're full of shit, Australia. Yes the weird miniature Grand Canyon thing is cool. But you really shouldn't use the word 'lake' if it's just a weird patch of desert. I'm filing a citation.

I mean yeah it's extraordinarily beautiful. But it isn't a goddamn lake, you bastards.

Second of all, to all the people online calling this the most terrifying horror movie they have ever seen...you are using 'horror' like Australia uses 'lake.' This isn't a horror movie and it isn't once scary. It is a mystery story with some kind of ghost-thing in it, but that thing itself only runs at the camera once, and it looks like a scary thing the movie already showed us before. There aren't even any jump scares here.

I suppose it is an above-average movie. It is filmed in a faux-documentary style, which means it looks like a fake documentary, and all the actors talk like they are pretending to be in a documentary, not like people in actual documentaries talk. I expected that and it's hard for a director to fix that, so they get a pass. But it is still a thing.

Also a real documentary would never show close-up images of a real teen girl's dessicated corpse, under horror movie lighting. Or a clip of her sex tape. Because that would be illegal.

I don't know why they did the fake documentary thing at all, besides the fact it was 2008 and that was the style at the time. It really doesn't serve the story. And it begs the question why anyone would make a documentary about this entire situation in the first place, because...kind of not that compelling a series of events?

"Dude you totally need to see that documentary about a family who came together through the power of communication, only after their daughter learned to finally speak to her mother after the daughter was dead and a ghost!"

That is ridiculous. No one would make a documentary about that, because that is not reality, it is a sitcom plot.

Works fine as a movie plot. But then just film it like a traditional movie.

As I said, it is an above-average movie. It has lots of twists and turns that make it interesting, and it never explains the mild supernatural weirdness going on, which is welcome, because trying to explain it would just ruin what minor spooky vibe this has.

But this isn't a horror movie. I don't know what it is. It is an allegory about how you should talk to your mom if you're sad. Which is a good-enough message, I suppose? But I already knew that. And also I'm not 16 so it kind of isn't relevant anymore.

If you are pre-30s and love this movie, then I'm not taking it away from you. I think it was made for you. But it certainly wasn't made for me.

...I didn't even think Alice's traumatic experience rose to the level of psychological crisis that the movie implied. Sure, it was something gross and illegal, and people react to things like that differently. But I was expecting something like prostitution or drug dealing with murders, or she joined a devil cult with human sacrifice, or something like that. Her GHOST traveled THROUGH TIME to help the family process the trauma of this.

"At sixteen I had a threesome with our adult neighbors" just doesn't feel like a thing you break the laws of physics from beyond the grave to tell your mother happened to you. I'm sorry. Like that is a serious crime and potentially traumatic, but is it time-traveling ghost traumatic? Eh.

I give it a low B- for being engaging for its brief run time (and being free on Tubi). But it isn't remotely a horror movie and I don't think most adults will get much out of it.

My face while watching Lake Mungo.

#lake mungo #movie review #horror #vaguely #spoilers

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amberjazmyn · 11 months

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dr spencer reid one-shot

𝓲𝓶𝓪𝓰𝓲𝓷𝓮 - the world ain't all sunshines and rainbows

𝔀𝓪𝓻𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓼 - screaming, low-grade swearing, a little sadness, maybe some crying

𝓭𝓮𝓼𝓬𝓻𝓲𝓹𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷 - marianna is explaining to spencer reid, her best friend, that the world isn't all sunshine and rainbows anymore after he told her the same thing two years prior. not like they thought it was when they were younger when they first started working at the bau.

𝓪𝓾𝓽𝓱𝓸𝓻'𝓼 𝓷𝓸𝓽𝓮 - this is once again, an old recycled imagine that i wrote like 2020 or 2021 so, i'm so sorry. i'm just out of ideas and i am in desperate need of new ones.

masterlist

- - -

marianna's pov | two years ago

"somewhere along the line, you changed. You stopped being you."

my face softened, my best friend spencer confronting me about the way i had recently stopped being myself. stabbing me in the heart, i slowly started lowering my defences, i always did around spencer considering we've been friends our entire life and both joined the fbi academy when we were both twenty-two. hearing spencer tell me these words hurt, of course, they did because i knew that he was right; that is usually always the case. i will admit that the last two years of being with the bau has changed me because of how much trauma, loss and change we've gone through as a team. however, i knew i had to let spencer continue his ramble so he could let out all of his thoughts so, i decided to stay quiet, refusing my usual itch to assert myself into his ramble, allowing him to continue freely.

"you let people stick a finger in your face and tell you you're no good. and when things got hard, you started looking for something to blame."

subconsciously, i removed my hand that was resting on my gun holster, not to shoot him or anyone, for we were in the conference room in the fbi headquarters, it was just something i did subconsciously that made me feel safe and less anxious. moving it from my holster, i moved it over to timidly link my fingers into spencer's, who immediately reciprocates, making me relax as he also relaxes alongside me. allowing both of us to open ourselves up to each other and relax.

"let me tell you something you already know. the world ain't all sunshine and rainbows."

i giggled softly, not because i was making fun of spencer, that was one of the activities i passed on involving myself within the group. i laughed because spencer sounded exactly like rossi, who we call our bau team mom when spencer had said that. however, it wasn't long before i nodded my head in agreement and a serious, composed expression fixed on my face within seconds as i came to realise he was telling the truth, just like he always did. spencer was right because, even before the both of us joined the fbi, the world was still anything but sunshine and rainbows, most especially ours due to how broken our childhood was.

"thanks for telling me something i already know and have since i was a child, spence," i snigger, squeezing spencer's hand tighter as we then heard the small whispers from the rest of our team, making spencer and i groan to ourselves due to the awaiting teasing we were both gonna get alongside the fact that we've most likely got another case

why can't serial killers just take a fucking holiday?

"fuck you, serial killer! why can't you just take a goddamn holiday for once? looks like we're taking down another unsub today, spencearoo!" i groan as spencer helps me up from the couch we were sitting on together with little to no space inbetween us as he chuckles at my comment, our hands still connected even though we knew that we were about to get teased

"spencearoo? where'd you get that nickname from, pretty girl?" derek morgan, spencer and i's main teaser when it came to the two of us being in close proximity to each other as i roll my eyes, still holding spencer's hands

"it's his--" "--it was her childhood nickname for me. i haven't heard that in years..." spencer trailed off, his cheeks a soft pink colour as i smiled at the floor

"...very cute, now, come on lovebirdies, we have a case and it seems as if this serial killer is not messing or waiting around any longer!" morgan spoke up, a small wink and click of the tongue in the middle of it as he then walked away, not before nudging me in the direction of spencer, making me smack him as he laughs his way into the bullpen

despite the fact that the rest of our team was in the bullpen, spencer and i stayed back. he didn't do anything to separate our hands from each other. whilst i was utterly confused because spencer would never be this late to a case meeting without a valid reason, i cannot lie and say i didn't like this moment of connection we were having. yes, sure, spencer and i have been friends since childhood but, ever since i could remember, i was in love with him but always too scared to admit it. of course, there were several where i nearly did, like when he was abducted by tobias hankel and was drugged but, i never ran with it because i am always scared of the potential outcome. what if this ruins our friendship with each other which then forces me to either resign from the fbi altogether or transfer into a completely different unit?

"spen...spence, we...we have a case, what are we doing just waiting here? more people are going to die if we don't join the rest of the team!" i stammer out as i tried to pull the both of us closer to the conference room so it didn't seem too suspicious as to why we were taking so long

"oh...oh yeah...yeah, you're right. we...we should probably join them!" spencer stammered out in a flustered babble of a sentence that i only managed to decipher

"it's a very mean and nasty place, and i don't care how tough you are; it will beat you to your knees, and keep you there permanently if you let it. you, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life."

one day, five hours and thirty minutes were how long it took for us to catch our murderously schizophrenic unsub and save the three kids that he had tried to murder because he thought they were the girls that bullied him. when really, the three girls were just high school girls that didn't even know the nineteen-year-old boy and didn't even go to the same high school that he graduated from. the only thing that connected the three girls to the unsub was their hair, eye colours and the fact that they were all sisters. just like the three girls that bullied the unsub those few years ago that became the stressor for his crimes.

the team was on the flight back to quantico where spencer and I were still carrying on with our conversation that we started that day, five hours and thirty minutes ago. of course, it looked and kind of sounded strange that spencer and i could continue a conversation for this long without forgetting anything but, that's just what we did. we've done it since we were young kids and, it sort of became our little language with each other that no one else could replicate. And, of course, with spencer and i's conversations, comes the winks, the suggestive eyebrow wiggles, and the gesticulations to tell spencer that i love him in more of a best friend way.

"but it ain't about how hard you can hit. it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. how much you can take and keep moving forward."

i smiled as spencer's speech slowed down but didn't falter as he continued talking. every single time, on the flight back from every case we have, i always forget how young spencer and i are. we're both only twenty-four, having only joined together at twenty-two, we're still yet to get to the physical stage as the rest of our agents but, we were still treated (somewhat) with the same respect that the rest of our team did. however, it did sometimes become a bother when we weren't even given the time of day by our own peers because of how young and "inexperienced" we are. the best thing, however, is when we outsmart the elder agents, seeing their reactions always make spencer and i smile and boost both of our egos just a little bit higher as it then forces the elder agent to stop doubting us and actually allows us to show them that anything they can do, we can do it just as better despite how young we are.

"whatcha thinking about, spencaroo, invite me into your wacky and wonderful brain? i wanna hear more!" i smile, ruffling spencer's hair in an awkward position due to the fact that spencer and i were cuddled up together, facing each other with my arm poking out from where our chests and my boobs met up in the middle

"is it weird to say you?" spencer whispered back but, apparently, derek's ears were turned on very well because what followed was a wolf whistle, making me flail my head into spencer's chest as he smiles, his hand moving to the back of my head to support it, making me smile into his chest

"not at all..." i mutter back just as quietly, making sure the rest of the team didn't hear it so they couldn't continue teasing us

"that's how winning is done."

whispering the last part of his speech that he was ever so proud of, spencer smiled as he lifted up my chin from his chest. however, it seemed as if he still wasn't finished and i could tell by the way his mouth twitched like it always did when he was thinking about what he was going to say next. i could only smile at him back, in a loving way, as he could preach or ramble to me all day every single day and i'd still get butterflies in my tummy and fall in love with him even more. because, no one else likes it when he rambles on and, i can tell how hurtful that is for him when no one wants to hear what he has to say. so, i always let him talk before i even think of what to say next because, spencer always has something important to say, whether it's relevance. anything spencer says is something worth hearing.

"now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. but, you gotta be willing to take the hits. and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. cowards do that, and that ain't you. you're better than that marianna."

we had finally landed back down in quantico and the rest of the team, rossi, prentiss, jj, garcia, morgan and hotch had all decided they were going to go out for drinks. they of course extended the invitation out to spencer and me but, we declined, we were absolutely shattered by the case, for we had been pretty much crying the entire flight home and we just needed to relax and comprehend everything. they agreed but of course, they couldn't forget the little tease, yet it seemed as if morgan noticed that it was the wrong place and he shut it down quickly when he noticed that we were going to be staying together, spencer and i, he knew the reason why and it wasn't for the reason that everyone else thought it was for. morgan knew the pain cases like this one, with schizophrenic unsubs, puts spencer through and that if he was home alone, it wouldn't be the best idea. for he'd have an emotional breakdown and tear down his apartment from top to bottom wondering why he couldn't help the poor boy before the unsub died due to a gunshot wound by his own hand. this is why, after cases that hit too close for spencer, i would stay with him, whether in his own apartment or mine, i'd never leave him alone and it was the same for me when a case hit too close to home for me. and it was something both of us always appreciated and it was something we had done since we first started together.

this was when, on our drive back home to spencer's apartment, he decided to end his little inspirational spiel of the entire day. and, in all honesty, i loved it, every single word of it. it rang absolutely true to the life we're living now and, if anything, this was something that needed to be told to everyone.

"that was really inspirational spence, i really mean that! you should tell the rest of the team this tomorrow morning, you'd get a very good reception i think, otherwise i'll make sure to all smack them and make sure hotch grounds them," i smile, a small giggle leaving my mouth from my joke as I moved down to spencer's face, my hand on his cheek as i kissed the opposite, running over to the couch so i could rest my legs

"th...thanks, marianna, tha...that was very sweet of you..." i faintly hear spencer whisper as he then stumbles over to his room to get changed as he hears me giggle to myself, that's when i understand why spencer was being so dramatic and what had happened

flashback over | marianna's pov

"...spence, spencaroo, you okay there buddy?" i whisper, sliding myself over to my best friend, he was cowering over himself and he looked sad, his eyes glassed over as we sat outside the house where our unsub had just killed our missing girl out of fear of morgan and the presence of the swat team

it wasn't until after i asked him if he was okay that i actually took a proper look at his face and he looked scared, upset, guilty, regretful at the scene that sat behind us as my shoulders fall sadly. holding his hand, in silent comfort, i just hoped that he would open up to me, whether it was soon or later.

it had been two years since spence, the team and i had faced a case with such intensity. but, even then, we were just walking out of the house, spencer and i, when we heard the gunshot that killed the little five-year-old girl. that scream that followed after the gunshot as the girl then fell to the floor i think was forever going to haunt spencer and me both for days, weeks, months and maybe even years to come because of how loud it was. i could tell it frightened spencer a lot more than it scared me, especially when i seemed to notice the tears which had welled up in his eyes falling down his cheeks. i clenched my jaw and tried to eliminate my emotions so i could let spencer articulate his as i pulled him closer to me whilst we sat down on the steps of the white picket, all-american family house.

"mar...marianna, is...is it normal that this is the most scared i've ever felt on a case?" spencer sniffles out as his shaky breath tells me that he was still crying, i gulp as i bite my lip, my heart breaking at the same time as i held spencer closer to my side as he cuddled in further

"oh, spence, of...of course it's normal to be scared, a five-year-old girl wasn't able to be saved from her psychosomatic father because he got frightened by the fbi and swat team. of course, it was going to be scary, this wasn't normal, that wasn't what we planned to happen." i reassured him softly as spencer let out a sob which broke my heart again, grabbing his head i pulled him into my lap so he could continue crying without drawing any attention to himself

"i...i, anna...still, i...i've never...never been this scared, what...what's going on?" spencer sobbed out quietly as i tried my hardest to comfort my best friend when i suddenly remembered the exact words from two years ago when we were twenty-four

"the world ain't all sunshine and rainbows, spence *spencer smiles as he lifts his head up, you had remembered what he told you* it's a very mean and nasty place and, i don't care how tough you are; it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. you, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life but, it ain't about hard you can hit. it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. how much you can take and keep moving forward, that's how winning is done *spencer wasn't crying as much for he knew he was safe with you* now if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. but, you gotta be willing to take the hits."

"and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. cowards do that, and that ain't you. you're better and smarter than that spence," i spoke with a smile on my face but with a stern voice so he knew that what he said to me when we were twenty-four, also applies to the both of us at twenty-six

"you...you remembered that, anna?" spencer sniffled once more as we held hands tightly as he gave me a small look of confusion and shock which made me giggle as I nodded my head

"how could I forget, spence? you are seriously an intelligent, inspirational human being, now, come on, we need to interrogate our unsub, we can't keep on crying over that little girl and we need to help the rest of our team, now can we?" i smile softly, standing up before helping pull spencer up from where we sat down on the steps as we moved over to our suv for our drive back to headquarters - an exact coda of two years ago happening again except, the other way around

that's how winning is done..."

- - -

this was a little crappy but, once again, your girl is running out of ideas and i'm sick and tired of relying on and recycling my old imagines.

ok ily bye xx

word count: 3125

#dr spencer reid x reader #criminal minds

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pechefarm · 1 year

Text

Buttercup Baby: Ch 10

Pairings: Sam/Male Farmer OC, Sebastian/Female OC, Shane/Female OC

Rating: T for Teen

Word count: 4,497 words

Content Warnings: Alcohol use

Authors Notes: Been having a lot of health issues lately, that's why updates have been so slow!

Morning light streamed in from Sam’s window, landing on the two men cuddled up together on the soft bed shoved up against the wall. Léo was half awake, but completely aware that he was tangled up with Sam. He sighed happily, wanting this moment to last forever.

Of course, it couldn’t. He knew that when Sam woke up, his friend would be incredibly embarrassed. Léo found himself wanting to see that blush, wanting to hear Sam’s flustered voice. It was incredibly cute.

Cute.

Léo was finally allowing himself to admit that he had feelings for the blond man beside him. But it was so goddamn confusing. Yes, Sam was incredible. He was an amazing friend, and an amazing person in general. But he couldn’t ignore his feelings for Henri.

Buzz buzz

What was that? Léo untangled himself from Sam who promptly rolled over, still deep asleep. It took a few seconds before Léo realized that it was his phone. Annoyed, Léo reached over and peeked at who it was.

Holy shit.

He quickly swiped up to answer the phone, and crept out of the room.

"Henri?" Léo said quietly, mouth dry.

"Léo, oh my God!" Henri said, sounding relieved. "I didn't even know if you'd answer! It's 6am and well…it's me."

"It is you," Léo said softly. He could hardly believe it. He clutched his phone tight as he made his way to the bathroom, tears pricking at his eyes. He closed and locked the door and closed his eyes. Léo hadn’t realized just how much he'd missed Henri's slight accent. How much he'd missed how light and airy his voice was, always sounding happy. Always putting Léo at ease.

"Is it okay that I'm calling?" Henri asked. "If I woke you up…"

"No, it's fine, really!" Léo said quickly. He couldn't let Henri hang up, not now. Yeah it was crazy early, and yeah Léo would love to be in bed right now but this was more important.

"That's great," Henri said, and Léo could almost see the gentle smile that was surely on the other man's face.

"How are you doing?" Léo asked.

"Pretty good. I've landed a role in an upcoming film, but I have to keep the details on the down low," Henri said. "And you? Have you been eating? I know you forget to eat sometimes."

Léo's heart felt warm as he assured Henri he was eating well and doing just fine. The fact that Henri cared enough to ask…wow. A smile plastered itself onto Léo's face. Henri wasn't all that bad, was he? Sure they'd had arguments…but all couples are like that. Right? Sure some of them were big. And sure, the way they’d ended things wasn’t the best but that didn’t make Henri a bad guy. Léo tried to convince himself of this, trying to come up with reasons why talking to his ex at his crush’s house was an okay thing to do.

"Do you have friends? Seeing anyone?" Henri asked casually.

"Seeing anyone? That's none of your business," L��o said, swallowing thickly.

"I want it to be," Henri said. "I want–oh shit I have to go," he said quickly. Léo could hear a man talking in the background, but couldn't quite make out what was being said

"Henri?" Léo asked, but the line went dead, leaving him sad and confused. He sighed and sat down on the edge of the bathtub, staring at his phone. Should he send a text and make sure Henri was okay? Ending the call like that was really strange.

As if his ex had read his mind, a text from Henri came through.

Hey, sorry about that. Rico was wondering who I was talking to.

Didn’t really want to talk about it with him

He can be sooooo possessive.

Léo felt sick upon reading the words about Rico. God, did Henri really have to bring him up? Rico was everything Léo wasn’t. Rico was tall and built like a super model, with a face that looked like it was carved from marble. Léo was on the shorter side, stocky, and built more like a linebacker than anything. Sure he often got compliments on his figure, but there was something about Rico that was entrancing. And that something had reeled Henri in, had made him fall in love. Léo couldn’t bring himself to answer the message. He left the bathroom and walked back to Sam’s room. His friend was still out, and Léo sighed. What the hell was he doing? Cuddling with Sam one second and mooning over his ex the next. This was ridiculous. He slid back into bed but didn’t go back to sleep. Instead, he pulled up his messages with Elfie and began to type.

Hey emmyelf, I gotta talk to you about something

It’s not about Seb I stg

EMMA ANSWER YOUR PHONE

Léo stared at his phone in annoyance before realizing that it was still extremely early in the morning and suddenly felt bad. But Elfie was an early riser, she should be up by now. He kept looking at his phone, as though willing it to answer. Finally, he received a reply.

Christ on a cracker you’re clingy. And you better not be lying, cause if this is about that emo fucker I’m never speaking to you again

Léo snorted and rolled his eyes.

It’s NOT. Look, I think I like Sam.

He closed his eyes, and to his great surprise, Elfie responded right away.

GOD FINALLY YOU FIGURED IT OUT

Proud of you boo

When you gonna ask him out?

Léo skipped pink entirely and his face went straight to fire engine red. He couldn’t believe what Elfie had just said.

What do you mean finally??? Also, I’m not asking him out It’s complicated.

If Léo was at home he would’ve thrown his phone across the bed, but he didn’t want to accidently smack Sam in the head with a flying phone.

How is it complicated?

Léo bit his lower lip as he read her response. He was going to have to explain. And she was not going to like the answer.

I’m not over Henri

We’ve been talking a bit

I just

I dunno Elfie, not sure I’m ready.

As expected, Elfie sent two paragraphs lecturing Léo on why he shouldn’t be talking to Henri, why Henri was bad for him, and why he needed to move on to someone better. He understood where she was coming from, but she didn’t seem to understand how hard it was. He and Henri had been together for years. Completely cutting off a connection like that was like cutting off a limb.

Oh also! Something important! Shane invited me to Pelican Town tonight for karaoke night. So I’ll be there tonight.

Léo blinked at his phone. What the hell? How long had she known about this? But before he could respond, he felt the sheets rustling beside him.

“You up?” Sam said blearily. Léo looked over and felt his heart skip a beat as he looked at Sam’s ruffled hair and partially closed eyes. He looked absolutely adorable, and Léo had to work hard not to giggle and beam at him.

“Yeah, I get up early. Used to a farmer’s schedule,” Léo said. “I hope I wasn’t why you woke up.”

“I don’t think you were,” Sam said, sitting up and stretching. “Did you sleep okay?”

“Slept like a baby,” Léo said.

“So you kept waking up at night crying? That sucks,” Sam said and laughed as Léo punched him lightly on the shoulder.

“I slept great, how’s that?” Léo said.

“Better,” Sam said. “I didn’t bother you at all, did I?”

“No, but you did cling to me like a koala,” Léo said, and Sam choked on air.

“I’m sorry!” Sam squeaked out.

“I wasn’t saying that it was a problem,” Léo said. “It was cute.”

“O-oh,” Sam stuttered, looking bashful. “Well, that’s good.”

“Yeah, 10 out of 10 would sleep with you again,” Léo said. There was a small pause and suddenly Léo looked horrified.

“Sleep NEXT to you!” he said hurriedly, and Sam burst out laughing. “I meant sleep NEXT to you!”

“Well now I know how you really feel,” Sam teased.

“Shut up,” Léo said, and Sam giggled. “I’m tired, okay? Haven’t had my coffee.”

“Well let’s get you some!” Sam said. The two got out of bed and walked to the kitchen. Sam needed a bit of help with the coffee machine, which made Léo roll his eyes.

“Your mom really does do everything, doesn’t she?”

“It’s kind of a problem,” Sam said with a sigh. “I got so used to it that I don’t have any kitchen skills at all. I don’t even know how to boil an egg properly.”

“Well, I could teach you to cook if you wanted,” Léo said. “I could come over, or you could come over to my house. I’ll give you an apron and everything.”

“An apron, eh? Do you have a ‘kiss the cook’ one?”

A vision of Sam caging Léo in against his counter while kissing him deeply popped into Léo’s mind, and he quickly brushed it away. He was pretty sure he’d be revisiting that thought later, perhaps tonight. But now was not the time for this!

“Um, uh, no,” Léo said, the traitorous fantasy attempting to come back.

“Well you should get one,” Sam said as the coffee began to drip into the carafe. “I like silly shit like that, and I think you’d look good in an apron with something dumb on it.”

They continued chatting for a bit. Jodi came out of her room as soon as she smelled coffee, and began bustling around the kitchen making breakfast. After a bit of whispered encouragement from Léo, Sam asked if she could teach him how to scramble the eggs she was about to make. She was shocked, but agreed. It felt good to watch this bonding moment between Sam and his mom. Cora came out of bed at the scent of sausages, and Jodi smiled at her.

“Vincent! You got up all by yourself!”

“It smells good,” Cora said simply.

After breakfast, Sam mentioned that there was duct tape somewhere that they could use to fix up the blowup bed.

“Oh shit, that’s a good idea,” Léo said, eyes wide. “I need to go check on my crops, but I can help you fix it later.”

“Sure!” Sam said with a grin. Léo left the house, a spring in his step. Being around Sam always had that effect on him. Sam was truly a ray of sunshine. This happiness lasted as he watered his crops and weeded the garden. He casually talked with Robin when she took breaks from working on his renovation. She was very excited about the finished product, and couldn’t wait to show him everything she was doing.

“I could show you now!” she said, eyes bright. “Unless you want it to be a surprise.”

“I’ll keep it a surprise,” Léo said, pulling off his gloves and tucking them into his pocket. “I’m excited to see what you do with the place! You’ve done a lot already! I can’t believe you’ll be done in just a few days!”

“I’m good at what I do,” Robin said proudly, chest puffing out. “And I guarantee you’re going to love it.”

Léo walked back to Sam’s house and took a long shower, getting all the grime off of him. Sam had left for the mountain where he was going to hang out with Sebastian and Abigail. Once he was cleaned up, Léo threw on his favorite orange button-down, and some gray jeans that he always got compliments on. He was going to go to the Saloon tonight to make sure that everything went fine with Elfie. She was known for being a lightweight, and he didn’t want her to do anything she would regret.

Léo spent the rest of his afternoon on the pier, dipping his toes into the water. It was nice to bask in the sun, enjoying the rays of the late spring sun. Soon it would be getting even warmer. He’d probably be spending a lot more time down at the beach once summer was in full swing. He couldn’t believe how long he’d been in Pelican Town already. He hadn’t been sure originally that this would be a long-term situation, but now? Léo felt like this was home, and he knew he’d be staying here for the long run.

As these pleasant thoughts went through his head, he felt his phone buzz. He pulled it out and saw that Sam had sent him a message.

Hey did my mom tell you I’m at the lake with Abbers and Seb?

Léo blinked. That was kind of a weird question.

Yeah, she did, so I’ve been doing my own thing while you hang out. I’m at the beach rn

Léo didn't even have time to put his phone back into his pocket before he felt his phone buzz again.

I wanted you to come hang out too!!! Well, we’re going to hang out at the saloon tonight if you want to join us then?

Oh no.

They were going to the saloon tonight? When Elfie was going to be there? This wasn’t going to go well. Léo swallowed thickly. He needed to let Sam know the situation so that the three of them wouldn’t be caught by surprise.

I was going to go anyway, so sure! Elfie let me know today that Shane invited her for karaoke night tonight, so she’ll be there too, just FYI

He and Sam sent a few texts back and forth about how Sebastian would react to this, and Sam promised to make sure that Sebastian was ready before seeing her at the saloon. Somehow Léo didn’t think he’d be ready no matter how primed he was for the situation. When the time came, Léo walked down to the saloon and found that Elfie was already there, hand in hand with Shane. Léo waved at the two of them and Elfie rushed over, excited.

“Léo! I’m glad you’re here! This is going to be awesome! We totally have to sing something together!”

“Yeah, sure!” Léo said. He noticed that Elfie was looking past him. He turned his head slightly and saw that Sebastian had entered the saloon.

“Who’re you looking at?” Léo asked, and Elfie glared at him.

“Nobody,” she said.

“Well, it looks like ‘nobody’ is sitting down with two of my friends who I’m supposed to be here with. I’m going to go say hi, okay?” Elfie crossed her arms, and turned around, heading for the stage to look at the list of songs.

“Hey, guys!” Léo said, approaching the table.

“God I’m glad my mom isn’t here,” Abigail said, “You’re wearing your whore outfit again.”

“Excuse me?” Léo said, mock offended. He knew what she meant though, he had unbuttoned his shirt to the navel again. “Are you telling me to cover up?”

“I’m telling you that my dad will eventually notice that my mom is shamelessly flirting with you and will stop selling you stuff,” Abigail said, rolling her eyes.

“There’s a cougar on the prowl!” Sam said, and Léo laughed.

“Well, he’s in luck, the ladies just don’t do it for me,” he said. “So he should be mad at her, not at me.”

“Oh my God!” somebody shouted excitedly. Léo looked over his shoulder and saw Elfie looking at the list of songs with a sparkle in her eye. “Look what they have!” she said, walking over to their and waving the list in his face. Léo noticed Sebastian freeze, the poor guy looking like a deer caught in the headlights as she approached. Honestly, Léo wasn’t surprised. Elfie looked good tonight, clearly dolled up for her date.

“Uhh…Barbie Girl?” Léo said, looking at the list. Elfie sighed dramatically and shook her head.

“Danza Kuduro!” she said.

“Oh shit!” Léo said with a grin. “I didn’t think they’d have songs in other languages!”

“What’s that song?” Abigail asked, cocking her head.

“It’s a really fun song in both Spanish and Portuguese! Léo we have to sing it!”

“Wait, are you both trilingual?” Sam asked, eyes wide. Sebastian looked up at Elfie, clearly listening but trying to pretend like he wasn’t. She was pointedly not looking at him, and Léo was sure that she was more than aware that Sebastian had taken notice of her.

“No,” Léo said, “We’re both bilingual. Elfie’s mom is from Portugal, so she grew up speaking English and Portuguese. And you guys already know I speak Spanish.”

“Yeah, he’ll sing the Spanish parts, and I’ll sing the Portuguese ones! Oh my gosh yes!”

The two put their names in to sing and waited their turn. Maru went first, nervously singing Suddenly I See, eyes flickering over to Penny every now and then. Clint went after, belting out an incredibly dramatic rendition of I Am A Rock with surprising confidence. And then finally…

“Next up we have Elfie and Léo singing Danza Kuduro!” Mayor Lewis said, and the crowd clapped politely as they took the stage.

“They don’t know what they’re in for,” Elfie said, with a grin, winking at Léo.

“Well they don’t know I used to be lead singer in a band and that you were the best in your college’s choir,” Léo said.

The upbeat music began to pump from the speakers, and Léo began to sing in his rich voice.

“La mano arriba, cintura sola, da media vuella, danza Kuduro,” Léo began, and the two of them began to move to the beat. The crowd began to cheer as he continued, everyone looking surprised.

“Balançar qué uma loucura, morena vem o meu lado, ninguem vai ficar parado, quero ver mexa Kuduro,” Elfie belted out. Everyone looked shocked at her perfect accent and beautiful voice. The two friends laughed as they sang, and everyone began dancing, truly feeling the beat. Even Demetrius was dancing better than usual, dipping a very surprised yet pleased Robin.

When the song finished, the whole pub burst out into wild cheers and applause.

“You guys were great!” Abigail said, pulling them both into hugs as they returned to the group. Sebastian stood up, looking at Elfie with awe in his eyes. He looked like he was on the verge of speaking when a loud voice came from next to them.

“That’s my girl!” Shane said, clearly tipsy and on the verge of being fully drunk. “You were amazing! And the way you move…damn girl!”

Elfie giggled, stars in her eyes as she looked at Shane. Léo peeked over at Sebastian who had gone rigid. Sam slowly made his way over to his friend, gently rubbing his arm before the two sat down. Sebastian stared at a spot on the table while Sam said something in a quiet tone, eyes soft. Abigail slipped away to join them, but Léo had to stand with Elfie and Shane as he was engaged in conversation with them.

“You can move pretty well too,” Shane said. “Guess that Shakira song was right—let me see you move like you come from Colombia!”

“I guess,” Léo said, glancing over at his friends. “But I practiced a lot too,” he said. “Took dance lessons in school, and was in a band. Gotta have moves to make people want to watch you, you know?”

“You were in a band?” Shane asked, eyes wide. “Dude that’s fuckin’ awesome!”

“Uh yeah, it was a lot of fun. Hey, I’ll be right back, okay?” Léo said, noticing Abigail rubbing circles on Sebastian’s back as the black haired man watched Shane pull Elfie in by the waist.

“We’ll be at the bar,” Shane said. “This babe deserves a drink after that amazing performance. I’m buying,” he said, looking at Elfie.

“Ooo, what a gentleman,” Elfie purred.

“Gotta buy my gorgeous Amazon something tasty to match her, don’t I?” Shane said. Elfie blushed but looked pleased. Elfie was tall, and was a head taller than the much shorter man before her. She was typically very self-conscious about her height, but clearly, Shane didn’t mind. Léo controlled himself from rolling his eyes and walked over to the table. Sebastian looked up at his approach and sighed.

“I know what you’re going to say,” Sebastian said softly. “I deserve it.”

“Actually, I was going to ask if you were okay,” Léo said with a frown. Sebastian looked surprised, and Léo sighed.

“I know I’ve been hard on you,” he said, “But you’re still my friend and I don’t want you to be upset.” He slid into a chair next to Sebastian, and looked him in the eye. “I need you to know something, okay? This isn’t Elfie at all. I don’t know what the hell she thinks she’s doing, but if I had to guess, she’s putting on a show. Honestly? They both are. Did you see how friendly Shane was to me just now?”

“So?” Sebastian said. “He’s probably just being nice ‘cause you’re Elfie’s friend.”

“That’s not like Shane at all,” Léo said shaking his head. “There’s more to it.”

“Wait…” Abigail said, a look of understanding crossing her face. “Are you saying they’re doing this to piss Seb off?”

I think there’s a very high chance that they’re doing that, at least partially. Elfie is attracted to him, and he seems to like the look of her too, so I think some of it is legit. But the rest? They’re pissed at you Seb, and I think they’re trying to upset you.”

“What the fuck?” Sam said angrily. “That’s awful! What the hell is wrong with them?”

“My feelings exactly,” Léo said with a grimace. “She thinks she can lecture me and then pull this shit? I’m having a long talk with her tomorrow. Maybe tonight if she doesn’t get shit faced on cocktails,” he said, nodding towards the bar. Elfie was pink in the face, two empty shot glasses next to her and some sort of blue drink in her hand that was already halfway gone.

“What do you mean ‘lecture you?’” Abigail asked.

Shit.

Shit!

“Oh um. Just…past mistakes,” Léo said, trying to keep his voice even. “She always tells me when she thinks I’m not doing the right thing, when she thinks I’m not being mature or whatever.”

“What a hypocrite,” Abigail said with a hollow laugh.

“Yep,” Léo said. “But I mean…she hasn’t dated anyone in like, eight or nine years. She probably forgot how.”

The table fell into silence. With Sam’s help, Léo had spoken to both Abigail and Sebastian about his twin, and how Elfie had stopped dating after his death.

“She had a really rough few years after my brother died,” Léo said. “Nobody ever stacked up. Elfie didn’t even consider other guys as options. She had her fair share of dudes flirting with her and giving her their numbers. But she would just throw the numbers away, and wouldn’t even acknowledge the flirting. And now she’s opening up and--”

“And I completely smashed her to bits,” Sebastian said, putting his forehead in his hands.

“Sebastian look at me. Look at me,” he said firmly, and Sebastian looked up, a devastated expression on his face.

“You crushed her, I’m not gonna lie to you. But that’s an explanation, not an excuse. Remember how I told you that you can’t treat people like shit and expect them to be okay with it? Well that applies to her too.”

“An’ this one…this one is for that Italian bastard back there!” Elfie shouted out. Léo turned his head and saw Elfie wobbling across the stage, clearly having just snatched the microphone from Mayor Lewis. He sighed as he watched her try and figure out the karaoke machine.

“God she needs to sober up,” Léo grumbled. “Before she ends up doing something she’ll regret.”

“HIS NAME IS TONY! HE’S FROM MILANO! HE WHISPERS SOFTLY IN MY EARS IN ITALIANO!” Elfie drunkenly belted out.

“Jesus Christ,” Léo said closing his eyes.

“Oh Mama Mia! He says I love you girl, let me touch you! But mama told me that Italian is a macho!” Elfie sang, pointing at Shane who raised his glass at her.

“Is Shane Italian?” Sam asked looking at the two who were caught up in each other, Elfie singing this ridiculous song while Shane laughed.

“Well, his last name is Giudice, so I think he has family from Italy?”Abigail said, looking thoughtful.

“After this song, I’m dragging her back to your house,” Léo said with a sigh, looking over at Sam. “She’s smashed, she can’t go back to Zuzu by herself like this.”

“I think Mom will be okay with that,” Sam said. “I mean, she’ll be annoyed for sure, but she’s not going to make her ride the bus by herself like this.”

After the song ended, Léo tried to make his way to the stage, but the saloon had gotten a lot more crowded than earlier. He found himself struggling to get by everyone. When Léo finally got the stage, Elfie was no longer there.

Fuck.

He peered around but didn’t see her anywhere. And the saloon was strangely a lot quieter than it had been. Shane seemed to have quieted down, and wasn’t saying anything at all. Maybe he’d passed out. Léo’s eyes flickered over to the bar, and weirdly enough, Shane wasn’t there. And Marnie wasn’t at her usual table either.

Wait.

Wait hold up.

Had Elfie gone home with Shane and Marnie?

“Goddamnit,” Léo growled, heading back over to the table. Sam looked confused at Elfie’s absence.

“Where’s—?”

“I think she went home with Shane,” Léo said. Sebastian choked on his drink, and Léo ignored him in favor of dialing Elfie’s number. He called her twice, leaving a voicemail asking her to call as soon as she could.

“She’s getting the talking to of her life when she calls me back,” Léo grumbled.

“Well, Shane was the one who invited her, so it’s not that weird that she’s going to his place,” Abigail said slowly.

“She could’ve at least said bye,” Léo said. Sebastian’s expression was impossible to read, but Léo had a feeling that there was a storm brewing inside of him.

“We should probably be going,” Sam said. “I promised we’d be back early tonight.”

“Yeah okay,” Léo said with a sigh. They bade Abigail and Sebastian goodbye and began making their way to Sam’s house.

“I’m sure she’s fine,” Sam murmured, and Léo nodded slowly. They made their way into the bedroom and fell into bed, the duct tape that was meant to fix the blowup bed forgotten on Sam’s desk. The two passed out almost instantly, curling up against each other in their sleep.

#buttercup baby fic #sdv sam #sdv oc #farmer léo #stardew oc #stardew sam #sdv fanfic #stardew fanfic

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noirapocalypto · 1 year

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First and only time I will ever speak out directly about fandom shit. Not tagging, reblogs off. Once this is posted, I'm moving on.

Since when is voicing a complaint about something concerning me-- that, let's be honest, I'm sure I'm not the only one to feel that way--attention seeking? I'm not at all asking for people to come coddle me. I was posting on my own blog, I wasn't tagging anyone, I wasn't naming names. But, venting and confiding in our own created safe spaces is a bad thing and a cause for vague posting? What's the logic there? Why was it hard to just quietly unfollow and just leave, without saying a word? I wouldn't have even known or noticed, honestly. It would not have been any problem what so ever. But I saw it, and I know it was aimed at something I said in my tags. And yeah, I'm sure me posting this is hypocritical as fuck. But Jesus Christ, I've kept 'neutral' and stayed in my lane far enough. For once, I'm standing up for myself.

It's not about 'attention seeking', it's not about 'Why am I not getting any notes??', it's not about any of that. It's never been about any of that. It's the fact that there's no sense of community anymore. Look at how things were two-three years ago and look at how things are now. We're missing a lot of names we used to see way more often. People that have withdrawn and now quietly share without interacting--how is that an enjoyable fandom experience? And yeah, I'm part of the problem too with how much I withdrew from people (withdrew...NOT vague posting about, not target, not messing with anyone)--but is that a cause for taking one of my personal posts--that wasn't even meant to be a jab towards anyone specific--and fucking vague posting about it? Goddamn, it wasn't even a direct insult to anyone either. I didn't say "People who do this suck", I said "this is a trend I personally believe does more harm than good".

Look man, we can try and deny it until we're all blue in the face. But this fandom isn't the way it was when it first started. It's not the same vibe, not the same comradery. Those of us that have been here since the beginning, we see it.

And if you don't see the difference, then congrats. You've stayed safe in your own little bubble. The same can't be said about others, unfortunately. Hide your heads in the dirt if you want, but I'm sure there are others barely hanging on as well, if it weren't for the love they have for their OC's and creations and the friends they've made.

It's really invalidating--and a huge violation of trust for that matter--to open up and express sadness or concern, then go and see someone make a public post about how it's just 'attention seeking'. It's not the first time I've seen this happen either--even worse when it's done in private and not on tumblr--yet it gets posted about. How is that okay? How is that productive at all? Fucking ignoring it and going about your day does far more good than making others feel like shit for expressing sadness that something they enjoyed is now far different.

So I dunno. I tried holding onto the hope that things can change, that people can start being friendly and understanding again. Or that, at least, people will be mature enough to just coexist and be civil to one another. But I'm think I'm ready to throw in the towel. Unfollow me if you want, block me if you want--I'm just done. I think I'm well within my right to voice frustration about the current state of a community I once loved, as well as being within my right to react to something I posted that was taken out of context.

We're adults. Grow up and leave people be.

The parts that were fun, were fun. The rest? Yikes.

And to my friends and mutuals, I'm sorry for putting this shit on your dash. Like I said, first and last time.

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purplespacecats · 11 months

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can't let go; nothing makes sense; hold on, hold on, hold on

or: an izzy girl's attempt to come to terms with the finale

first of all: i am still deeply upset. we all agree the pacing was batshit, and i'll expand on why nothing will make me okay with how rushed izzy's death was. but i want to accept that it happened, and i want to be okay with it, so i've been reading a lot of other perspectives and doing some reflection of my own in order reframe it in a way that makes sense to me.

i'll get the most negative stuff off my chest first.

listen. i know there were budget cuts, and fuck hbo for that. but djenks said that they knew when they wrote season 2 that it would be eight episodes. so it was their job to write an 8 episode season, not what felt like a ten episode season awkwardly condensed into 8. that's definitely a reasonable expectation that the writers failed to meet. with the amount of screentime and the budget they had, they could have made better choices. giving izzy's death less breathing room than fucking karl's was not fucking unavoidable, it was a poor choice.

and that's really what hurt the most. because i'm okay with being heartbroken over a beloved character dying. good stories make you feel deeply. but a better story would have given us time and space to grieve. it feels way less shitty if i'm crying over a character death along with the characters left behind. but we didn't have time to grieve with the characters. the story moved on immediately, which made me feel like the audience was expected to get over it just as quickly.

it was like, bam bam bam death burial wedding happily-ever-after, and i was still sobbing about the heartbreaking death scene when the credits rolled, when apparently i was supposed to maybe shed a single tear then be laughing and happy for lupete (whom i adore and whose wedding i was looking forward to!!! which i couldn't enjoy through my tears!!) a minute later. and it really sucks to feel like i just wasn't supposed to care as much as i did. that, to me, is why this character death felt not just sad, but hurtful.

because i don't think i was wrong here for feeling too deeply. like, djenks had said he didn't expect people to love izzy so much in s1, but he was happy about it because he loved izzy! so to then take that character and give him an arc to make sure everyone loves him, give con fucking o'neill a gut-wrenching death scene monologue to break all our hearts with, and then just... flip the switch back to comedy less than a goddamn fucking minute after izzy's last breath. was a terrible fucking writing choice no matter how you slice it.

i understand people who chose to give up on this show because of this. hell, giving up a show when your fave dies is valid even when it's well-written! but i, personally, want to keep loving this show. so while i'm always going to hate that izzy's death was so rushed, i can accept that it was a poor choice that hurt my feelings in a show that i want to hold onto because of the joy it's brought me.

so, other than the horrendous pacing, i'm trying to make sense of izzy's death so i can accept it. here's what i've got so far.

i really appreciated rowenablade's meta on how they got the impression that izzy's death was probably planned from the very beginning, when izzy hands was but a twinkle in djenks's eye, but his s2 development seems to have been written in later. to quote them,

What I think wasn’t planned? Was the blossoming of his character that we got. I think all the love that got poured into the character was thanks to Con, and the cast, and the fandom. And I think when the writer’s room was given this task of killing Izzy off, because that was always his fate, they moved heaven and earth to reassure us that they had grown to love him as much as we did. All those moments where he touches joy, where Con’s warmth and humor shine through? I don’t think those were planned from the beginning. I think Izzy’s death was, and that’s why for some, this hits a bitter note.

reframing it from the perspective of writers who knew all along that izzy was fated to die at the end of the season is so helpful, because i can absolutely see how, from their perspective, they made the season a love letter to izzy hands because they wanted to give him a proper send-off. and the idea that the death was planned from the beginning but the character development was written in later explains the thematic inconguence i felt between izzy's death scene and his arc this season.

i've also seen multiple people floating the idea that izzy's death fit with his s2 arc in that he died to protect his family that he loved, and others disagreeing vehemently because izzy's death was accidental and didn't change the outcome. but i see it differently, because izzy presumably chose to lead the fuckery knowing that walking ricky into the camp was the most dangerous job. he knew it would put him at close range with the british soldiers at the moment their guise was revealed. so i think it was very in-character of him to take on that danger for himself, rather than staying back and letting anyone else risk their life. and this plan is framed as the crew's only idea to escape with their lives, and a long-shot at that. so, yeah, i can see that as izzy dying to protect his family.

and i've been thinking about izzy's apology and what it meant to izzy. because yes, i absolutely agree that he did not owe ed an apology. /ed/ canonically agrees that he's the one who owed izzy an apology, not the other way around. but izzy doesn't want to hear ed's apology in his final moments. he's already forgiven ed, and it doesn't matter if ed "deserves" it, because /izzy/ deserves to let the pain go for his own benefit.

similarly, in-universe izzy's apology to ed wasn't for ed's benefit. ed didn't want an apology from izzy. but izzy is /dying/, so this is his only chance to get this off his chest. over the course of his arc this season, he very clearly has changed his worldview and approach to piracy. it makes sense that he would be reflecting on his past choices and feeling like he had gotten it wrong for all those years. not just ep 10 or anything in s1, but making ed feel like he had no choice but to keep being blackbeard even when ed felt like he was "just treading water, waiting to drown." and also re: "feeding ed's darkness," i do see that in s1 in that ed seems to make up the plan to kill stede to get izzy's approval and make him stay, knowing izzy understands that ed is done with being blackbeard but still wanting to end it in a way izzy will approve of. then ed literally tries to force himself to kill stede despite having already started falling for him because he feels like he needs to be the killer izzy wants him to be. so that apology wasn't for one cruel moment in s10. it wouldn't make sense to apologize for that after ed made him eat his toe about it, quite frankly. but izzy is reflecting on his entire life with ed, and he wants to expunge the regrets he's been dwelling on as he's learned and grown with the crew of the revenge. he wants to make sure ed understands that he's proud of who ed is becoming now that he's ready to leave blackbeard behind, and that ed has the approval he so desperately wanted from izzy. in that moment, he needs to believe that ed will be okay and happy without him there to support him. and yeah, okay, i'll hand it to jenkins on this one, because now that i'm writing this i can see how ed's daddy issues fit in here.

(the tragedy of edizzy: ed needed izzy to be his daddy dom, but he was stuck trying to be the sadistic dom that izzy needed instead. this is how steddyhands can still win)

what i still don't fully understand is the narrative role of izzy's death. part of that, i think, is just due to the aforementioned thematic incongruence of izzy's death scene with his role in season 2. in season two, he represents overcoming trauma and found family. he spends the season learning new ways of being and adapting to a changed world. but, apparently, the symbolic role of his death was preordained in season 1 and didn't take any of that into account. his death was, i'm told, a symbol of the old world of piracy dying and of blackbeard dying so ed can move on.

but in life, izzy encourages ed to move on from piracy and leave blackbeard behind because he knows that's what's best for ed. love for stede is what drew ed back into piracy in episode 8, after he left piracy in episode 7 with izzy's blessing.

so like, i can make sense of some of that with the idea that the death scene and its intended narrative role were planned out from the beginning and izzy's season 2 character arc was written in after, but i still don't fully get how it makes narrative sense. and i would love for people who are saying izzy's death, while tragic and rushed, made sense for the story to chime in here. what am i missing, or what do y'all see differently?

#ofmd #our flag means death #ofmd s2 spoilers #izzy hands #rip izzy hands #ofmd meta

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