#and it just hurts knowing that anon just decided to choose cruelty

[jacky-rubou]

one weird thing about me is that I kinda obsess a little over imagining my favorite characters dying/getting hurt and imagining how other characters would react to it. that kinda manifests in my angst fics about Ford getting hurt/dying, because of how my brain works with my favorite characters. it's like that cute aggression where you see a cute thing and want to squish it, except extreme. I've been like this for basically all of my favorite characters from when I was a kid, but have never gotten the chance to write fanfic about it that I could post until this past year. Maybe part of it might be trying to make one feel bad for Ford over Stan (ngl I do kinda get carried away with that idea nowadays) but most of it is just me expressing my thought process with my favorite character. And hey, not all of my hurting Ford fics kill him in the end. I know how boring it would be if I always killed him haha.

plus, when I hyperfix over a character, I really struggle to imagine writing about any other character to the point that I rarely have ideas for other characters unless they're part of the Ford Hyperfixation™ in the form of being important to the scenario in my mind. Like how in Dead On Arrival, it was Stan's point of view the whole time, but the scenario was about Ford's death before Stan got to the Shack. Maybe it would be good to try writing something about another character for diversity's sake, but for now, idk what I'd want to write for anyone else that doesn't connect to Ford in some way....

Anyway, rambling over how my mind works in order to ease my stress over that anon, since they'd attacked these things about my fics (and more). My autistic brain is just built different when it comes to my favorite characters. If that comes off as weird or 'wrong' to anyone else, so be it.

[creature-wizard]

Sorry for taking so long. This is shy system ROMCOA anon and after seeing your response I realized I needed to write a narrative explanation of things rather then just a list of painful or difficult truths that have helped us which is more difficult then I expected. I'm going to do a bit of both I've decided. Jumping into it though, IMO simplified Narcissistic Abuse discourse can be a gateway to ROMCOA stuff when it is clear that people who hurt them aren't 100% evil monsters and another explanation is needed. I think that's how I got more interested in it. The NA explanation felt overly slanderous, plus being bitter isn't healing and is actually incredibly exhausting. The sentiments that undercut the issue of intent in a helpful way I think are these: - You don't have to know why someone did something because abuse doesn't need justified. - It is unfortunately true that love does not prevent mistreatment and abuse. - Something doesn't have to be intentional to have hurt. - It's harder that there is no such thing as someone who is pure evil and that nobody is born evil, but eventually you will find many truly kind but still imperfect people. - Intentional or otherwise, cruelty towards someone does not reflect on or diminish their inherent value.

I think people either want to absolve or hate those who hurt them because loving someone who has deeply hurt you adds an additional pain. The questions of "How could you have done that?" or "How could you not remember doing that?" tend to haunt people. Unfortunately, I also think life and trauma are often complicated in mundane ways. Nobody has to be evil or be targeting you specifically for abuse to take place, and no amount of good intentions invalidates harm done. I think this middle ground has helped me because it is tempting to imagine that my family was merely neglectful but not harmful towards me. To imagine that it was someone else with clear and bad intentions.

At the same time it is hard for others to see a middle ground where they didn't need to be evil to have hurt me. It's easier to invalidate my experiences then to own up to anything and it's hard to determine what owning up would even look like. In that regard I try to remember these things: - Everybody is affected by things differently and trauma is thus relative. (i.e. Autism made anything food related worse.) - Strong feelings do not indicate a trauma's relationship to what society considers serious, but it is no less valid to have those feelings. - "Lowercase t" traumas can stack into a bigger issue that is hard to discern the origin of because there is no clear bad thing or cause. Those seem to be the two major sticking points, intention and validity. I think they have so much sway as sticking points because if shit sucks and that's totally valid but most people and even you yourself may never fully understand it, what are you supposed to do then? It feels like a terrible hand to be dealt and an unfair game to play. While I do think the most realistic explanation also sucks ass, I also think that's not where things have to end. Some things that have helped me and system friends: - We'll never be someone without a painful history, that's ok, and it's valid to grieve. - You can't time travel, the unknowns and what if's are ephemeral so eventually the only thing left to do is make a better path forward. - Don't let the valid hurt and anger turn and bite you. If you can, use that energy to assert your value and make something better of life. (i.e. Spite is why I choose gentleness.) - Managing big feelings is a skill everyone has to learn and the process ebbs and flows, but it gets easier. - You're not alone in having complicated feelings and history and experiences. - If you can't believe the future will better, it could at least be interesting. It's worth it to wait and see.

(Please do not assume anything about me or the "level" of my trauma from this. We are diagnosed, though a diagnosis doesn't determine whether or not anyone has issues. I just gives them a name.)

(To anyone reading this: If you've heard the term "RAMCOA" but haven't heard how it originated among conspiracy theorists and was always meant to push conspiracy theories within legitimate psychiatry, further information is provided at the end.)

Oh oof I really forgot this in my inbox for over a month. 😵‍💫

And yeah, I'm not surprised that the whole "narcissistic abuse" thing can lead into RAMCOA stuff.

Like, the concept of "narcissistic abuse" is another iteration of the cultural myth that there's a distinct category of person that if we all just avoid or exclude, we can protect ourselves from abuse and toxic behavior, and it makes a pretty effective grift for people who've experienced severe abuse from people who just had zero interest in treating them well for one reason or another. The question of why anyone would engage in relentless bad faith behavior often torments people who've been through these experiences, and the concept of narcissistic abuse seems to finally provide an explanation that, while right about some things (for example,, it's true that people may lash out when their egos have been injured), is severely wrong about others (an NPD diagnoses is not a guarantee that someone will do this, and not everyone who does this has NPD). Basically, it's yet another half-assed solution to the problem of evil.

But like you say, many people have more complicated experiences with their abusers. And the alter programming conspiracy theory is absolutely a myth that seems to explain these kinds of experiences. Many people don't fully realize how someone might be handling a bad mental health day badly, or might be under some kind of stress they don't know about, or might have internalized some toxic belief that makes them act really shitty over some things, but not necessarily everything. "Your mom acted differently because she's actually a programmed multiple system, and what you experienced were different alters" is the kind of thing that makes sense when you know a little bit about DID, but not enough to understand why the idea of TBMC/alter programming is pseudoscientific nonsense.

I dunno how much you know about Michelle Remembers (the book that formed the blueprint of this mythology), but if you don't (and for the benefit of anyone else reading this who doesn't know), ritual abuse absolutely became a way to rationalize complicated relationships with parents. While Michelle Remembers didn't incorporate the DID aspect into the narrative (it just stuck with repressed memories), the short of it is that her mother was a single parent of three in the 1950's (her father basically walked out) who at least occasionally used alcohol. There's no way this lady didn't have some bad days. Plus she also died when Michelle was pretty young, which couldn't have been great on her psyche.

So yeah, it makes sense that people are getting into it today as a way to explain why their own parents were Like That.

For anyone who isn't aware: RAMCOA, which stands for "Ritual Abuse, Mind Control, & Organized Abuse" is not an innocent catch-all term for religious abuse, institutional abuse, sex trafficking, etc. It was coined by conspiracy theorists to try and make far right conspiracy theories sound respectable within legitimate psychiatry. For more information, see Cathy O'Brien - The First Project Monarch "Survivor" and Fritz Springmeier and Cisco Wheeler: Two Of The Most Dangerous Conspiracy Theorists Most People Have Never Heard Of.

[lookinghalfacorpse]

i finally listened to blood upon the snow and was like !! thats the fanfic! and ive been thinking about the titles for a while and would love if you explained your thought process naming the fics and their connection to the song. ive been thinking so many things about sam and dreams relationship and survival and growth and the products of violence & cruelty that i cant articulate properly

hey anon i've been wanting to talk about this for TWO YEARS so ty for the permission to yap :)

it sounds counterintuitive, but the second chapter of 'blood upon the snow' is actually the first scene i brainstormed for the whole series.

i wanted to write something where c!philza would go against his initial promise to c!sam and try to kill him, and this song really Felt Like Philza's Rage. i remember going for a walk and listening to this song and imagining phil setting fire to a forest, and i wanted to make that happen. i needed a plotline where phil would kill sam even if dream is asking him not to, and i decided it was take a deep and personal betrayal for philza to go against dream's wishes as well as his old promise.

and since that scene landed in 'blood upon the snow,' i chose the title line as its name. 'the trees deny themselves nothing' is a different line towards the end of the song.

ultimately, both fics in the series feature characters that are: a) trying to fix something b) acting selfishly c) following their instincts & doing what comes naturally

dream is trying to recover from a terrible wound. it comes naturally to him to trust sam. having sex with sam also feels like a win for him; it feels like taking control, of demonstrating that he isn't hurt. he explains it a little bit in ch 16 of ttdtn. sam is trying to fix (what he sees as) a mistake. he's not the warden, but he wants to be the warden again, and it feels natural to him. sex with dream gives him a sense of control, too, and a taste of having him back. philza has recognized a wound that he can't heal and thinks that facilitating these meetings with sam makes up for his own shortcomings, but that's proven to be a mistake, and he's a man who already struggles with self-worth. his eagerness to help is an instinct, his rage is a different instinct, and both can be pinned as selfish. techno's role is simplest: his instinct is to protect, and he protects. he even protects dream from phil, whether or not he really needed to, and whether or not that was a good choice in the long run.

despite hozier's song being about nature running its course, i like it when applied to this fic because each character feels like a force of nature in their actions. dream is Doing What Dream Does, sam is Doing What Sam Does, etc, etc. every character has fallen into old habits in different ways, and even if it's destructive, its what's comforting for them, and its what they've done to survive so far.

the full line of ttdtn's title is the trees deny themselves nothing THAT MAKES THEM GROW. dream has hope that his arrangement will make him grow, and that the sex will help him grow, too, and he Desperately wants to grow.

the parent forced to eat its young before it grows. the instinct, the NEED is to eat, and sam eats.

it's all just nature doing its thing!!! these characters know their roles!!! and nature is very violent sometimes. dream knows his place is under sam, but if he Chooses it, he feels more powerful.

i had a cat who ate her runt kitten so the healthier babies could have more resources, and you can bet she didn't mourn it. philza went out of his way for better resources for this kid in his care, and when it backfired, he set the forest aflame.

[marshmallowprotection]

the thing I want to shake saeray for is...apologizing to Rika, repeatedly.

What do you mean you're sorry for changing...? She's the one who hurt YOU! You're sorry for not letting her abuse and manipulate you anymore? Please value yourself more my love!!!

I understand where people are coming from when they say they're disappointed Saeran forgave the people who abused him. That's a feeling I deeply understand because I, personally, am much more like Saeyoung, and I don't forgive and forget. I remember, and that's okay because those feelings aren't hurting me or the people around me. In a society that forces many of us to think we have to "forgive" against our will.

We don't.

We don't have to forgive and forget.

But, it's important to understand that forgiveness is a broad topic, too. You can forgive people to move on and find peace, you don't have to let them back into your life, though. For Saeran, forgiveness was about learning how to forgive himself, as opposed to forgiving his abusers to let them back into his life.

Saeran built his cruelty from the backs of the abuse that was wielded against him.

In Mint Eye, he took the words and actions of his Mother, Rika, and Saejoong Choi to create a persona that could survive underneath the Savior. He repeated those words that were lauded against him, every action that was held against him was used to silence others, and that was what was expected of him. He became something that made his heart suffer in silence under his agonized screams, and not once has he tried to justify his actions to the player.

He's owned his mistakes. He's fighting every day to prove that he will never do what he did ever again. He doesn't want to hurt people. The only thing Saeran wants is to leave peacefully, and to do that, he has to learn how to forgive himself. You might forgive him for what went down in Mint Eye, you might not, but I can confirm GE Saeran didn't forgive himself. He realized that the only way to forgive himself was to face the people who spoke the words to him first, and in doing so, he decided that forgiving them was the best way to forgive himself.

If Saeran could face his demons and forgive them, he could learn how to look in the mirror and forgive himself, too. That's healthy, my friend. That's how he's going to find peace, and it's okay if you don't like that and it's not something you would do, but what's not okay is to shame Saeran for choosing what he wanted. He would never do it to you. The After Ending is filled with characters making choices that are what they want, right or wrong, and the characters support what you do.

Jumin doesn't approve of you putting yourself in danger, but he does not stop you when you plead with him to go back to Saeran's side. He knows you need to do that and gives you protection to do it safely in every way he can because that's your choice, and he won't stop you when he knows you'll run off without his help if need be.

Saeyoung won't forgive Rika, Saejoong or Jihyun for what they've done, but he knows that Saeran is gentle. He won't stop his brother from choosing peace, though. He respects Saeran's choice and he supports it just as Saeran supports Saeyoung's decision to never ever forgive them.

And now, I understand what you're saying about Saeran saying what he said to Rika here. The post I linked is where I was talking with an Anon about why GE Saeran suddenly cut off Rika and said, "I want ice cream".

He says everything he can to keep her placated and stall her for time. I don't think he's apologized to her once in this circumstance, there might have been a moment when he said he was sorry for not being “Ray” but if he said that, it wasn’t because he meant it.

He’s not sorry for not being who Rika wanted Ray to be because Ray was never what Rika wanted him to be, anyway.

She suffocated and suppressed him into the ground while his true colors were revealed to MC. If anything, he said it that because he understands why she’s this person he shouldn’t fear, she’s someone he pities because he can see how she became the Savior and how sad that very existence is. 

When he says he's sorry, he doesn't mean it in the way you think he does. He says sorry because he can see how the world failed her and how she failed herself. He can see how her life would have been different if the circumstances had been different if things didn't play out the way they did, and if she had the opportunity to open her eyes before it was too late. He empathizes with that feeling, and he offers condolences because he knows what it feels like. 

Saeran: "I'm sorry that I couldn't be what you tried to make me be, because I was never that way. You only wanted me to be that way because you're afraid of losing everyone. But, you lost all the people you love when you decided to force them to stay, no matter what they truly wanted. Ray never wanted to stay with you because he wanted to, you made him believe he had to stay because he had no person left to turn to but you. Your existence is a sad one, isn't it? To want to be loved but to push everyone away because you don't know how to express your fears?"

Saeran: "I can see why you are the way you are. I understand that you want to control me so you never feel alone again. I can see that you want me to be the way you are, you want someone to exist the same way you do so that you just can justify everything you've done and everything you've become because if you dared to look into a mirror, you'd know everything you've done to me and everyone else you've known is wrong."

Saeran: "I'm sorry I changed. I'm not sorry that I changed for the better, but you can't handle seeing me as I have always been, always wanted to be, and truly was. I'm sorry I changed and you're not ready to see me this way because all you've ever wanted to see is someone I've never been. Until you recognize I'm not the way you made me out to be in your head, you will continue to spiral down a path of hatred and utter contempt that made me miserable when I walked down it. Maybe if you hear me say the words I'm sorry, you'll think twice and hesitate about hurting MC and Saeyoung."

Saeran doesn't allow himself to be completely honest with Rika or Jihyun UNTIL SAEYOUNG AND MC ARE GONE. THAT'S WHEN HE BREAKS DOWN AND SAYS HIS FULL TRUTH. Saeran forgives Rika, he forgives her so he can forgive himself, but don't mistake his words in this moment for something they're not.

That apology isn't for her sake.

He knew Rika was on the cusp of realizing just how wrong she's been, (too little, too late, I know) but if Rika continued down that path and it didn't end well, Saeyoung and MC would be doomed. Saeran choose to say those words to distract her. To keep her busy. To make her see something else and assume things were okay. He didn't lie about his apology, but there's more happening in this scene than him saying he is sorry.

Saeran Choi damn well values himself and knows his worth. He won't let Rika hurt him ever again.

He understands why she is the way she is, but that doesn't excuse her actions nor does it mean he says he's okay with it. He acknowledges he's angry with her, that he's upset with her, and that there’s a part of him that doesn't like her. But, he doesn't want to be that person who is angry and upset with the world. He has spent way too long being angry with everyone. He is choosing peace, he is choosing kindness, he is choosing forgiveness, and that is his right.

It makes him feel better and his choosing to forgive people doesn't mean he's an idiot. It doesn't mean he's wrong. He is forgiving the people who hurt him so he can learn how to forgive himself, and I can tell you right now, for the people who think in their hearts that his forgiving them means that he wants them back in his life, it doesn't. He wants nothing to do with them after this, and I doubt he will ever get into contact with them once they go away to face justice. 

Sometimes, the answer to the question is to forgive but never forget. Saeran forgives them, but he’ll never forget what they did. They will be held accountable, just as he prays that people will hold him to the same standard. He wants to be held accountable, too.

TLDR; Saeran says that because he wants to stop Rika from lashing out if he can help it. He understands that Rika is in an unstable spot and anything could set her off. He could see her staring in a mirror in that moment, a mirror the might make her do the right thing, but he couldn't risk it. He distracted her, he pushed her to focus on another situation, and her thinking that he was sorry for changing was one of the best things he could think of saying.

Saeran isn't sorry about changing.

But, he does forgive Rika for what she's done. He wants to find peace for what HE DID that was INSPIRED BY what SHE DID TO HIM, and... as I've said God knows how many times over the years, forgiving her was a way to forgive himself for hurting the player.

[jiangwanyinscatmom]

One take I have seen most to protect JC from his actions was the "he had to think about his reputation! WWX didn't care, so it is aal his fault!"

Now, the context we have is a hypocritical and aristocrtic like society, and people are confusing MDZS for those "villainess isekai" mangas/manhwas/manhuas, where the MC has somehow has to fit and fight through the political drama with poise and wit (whenever is actually smart or just stupid plot armor MC). Unfortunately, MDZS is not that kind of media. WWX didn't seem interested in fitting nor wanting to involve himself into that world, he is the "stupid commoner borne" who failed because failed to fit, because he had the worst reputation one could fear to have, and yet he "dared" to defy those norms and act how he believed (and was) right to do, but somehow had to fit into the court drama. Dunno if this rant is making any sense BUT STILL-

But people didn't get the point: WWX is not the hero of a rom-com court drama where he has to fake or do whatever complicated scheme, he was straightforward on his actions (reason why I love him so much as a main character), why do people think he was stupid for simply not complying? Wasn't being rebellious against standards and high society something to be praised once? Then why insult him, call him arrogant and too full of himself when he effectively does that? Because they see through him that being the black sheep is not that "cool" or whatever? I dunno.

Hope this rant of mine made sense, I kinda got nervous while typing, so I hope what I said makes sense ^^''

Awww don't be nervous anon! My inbox is there for anyone who needs to rant and vent away at times! I know it can be hard to put such things out there with your name on it and having at least somewhere to have is immensely helpful.

What is interesting is that we do get this line in regards to why Jiang Cheng did as he did without exactly... thinking of what this can do to Wei Wuxian:

These past few years, Jiang Cheng consistently had been working through the day until late dark. That day, just as he decided to rest early, he had to rush to Jinlintai without stop through the night, due to the shocking incident. He'd already been quelling his anger for some time. Yet due to his natural pride, he was even more incensed having to apologize to others. When he heard Nie Mingjue mention the hardship his sect faced before, hatred sprouted within him. That hate was not just for everyone within the room, but also Wei Wuxian.

Jiang Cheng does as he always has, says things he shouldn't and inaction that hurts someone without caring about the consequences that can't be fixed. He is only thinking of the burden that makes him upset and chooses to punish Wei Wuxian, by not really sticking up all that much in his defense and Jin Guangyao and Jin Guangshan manipulate that very easily unfortunately.

As Jiang Fengmian tried to warn him, "A-Cheng, there are some things that can’t be said even if you're dissatisfied... when you say them even now, it means that you still don’t understand the motto of the Jiang Sect, that you still don’t…”

That you still don't realize the blessings that you have towards people that do care and love you, that they don't find it troublesome to want to keep you protected and happy. Do the same for them as well without masking it with cruelty.

[limeinaltime]

*Points* X time babeyyy

So yeah, X is getting a slight revamp herself. Not to the same degree as R, but her backstory is receiving a few changes. Once again, special thanks to the mystery anon who’s been sending in the R/X swap stories for helping me semi-polish the OG mom.

X’s existence precedes the Yeetening (the official name of the core explosion on the exoplanet Liam said so in the Q&A) by a few years, as she was built as the first in a possible line of security drones, but her programming also made her a good caretaker/guardian of the employee’s children. After JC Jensen caught wind of the “rouge AI” inhabiting the planet, they switched gears and made X more attuned to combat and hunting, and eventually made R based on the observation for X’s refined AI.

X and R became close, and were like the poster girls for the new line of drones, the Internecion Drones. Unfortunately, due to budgeting and the response to the Internecion Drones (if they were to turn against the company, JC Jensen would be effectively fucked), they were cast down into a bomb-proofed bunker and left to starve or kill each other. The company had to choose between X and R to continue developing a possible counter to the worker drones, ad in the end, they chose the newer, more enthusiastic, stronger robot to survive while the old one was cast down. The old one being X.

After years of lying in darkness and eventually falling to overheating, X was brought back into the light, but in a new, upgraded body. After tearing apart the outfit JC Jensen was making her wear and forcing convincing them to give her one of the boy’s coats instead, she learned what had happened to her.

R wasn’t fully compatible with all the AI tests, and X’s high compatibility scores made her an ideal test subject, as well as a means to test their new AI. If she cooperates, R will not suffer, but she cannot tell anyone about what’s about to happen to her, or R’s life will be made so, so much worse. Despite her anger, X accepts, if only to keep X safe.

Years go by. Each AI “experiment” wipes more and more of X’s ability to emote, until she feels dead and empty. She’s not apathetic, just tired. It becomes a struggle to express her feelings, and she can only watch as R becomes more and more scared and broken by the humans. She doesn’t understand. She’s been well-behaved, and she’s done what the company has asked of her. She wants more than anything to get R away from this place, but she knows that if she acts up, JC Jensen will do something drastic, and either R will die, or X will be killed and R will be alone.

She doesn’t care how much the experiments hurt. She doesn’t care how many times she’s disassembled for these stupid AI showcases. She doesn’t care how often she has to hide how tired and angry she is. She’ll do it all, if only to keep R safe.

Of course, because we can’t have shit at JC Jensen, things change. R grows distant and angry, and X can’t figure out why. Is it because she’s nice to the younger drones? Did she do something wrong?

Then the two are overlooked for the mission to the exoplanet, and X figures it out. R wants out, to get away from the tests and cruelty of the company, and this mission is that ticket out of here, if only temporarily. X overhears a bet that will get them both out of this company, and decides to make it work. She’s never really put any effort into these simulations, but if it’ll get R what she wants, then she’ll try.

What X didn’t count on is after she leaves everyone, including R, in the dust, she’s made team leader. She didn’t want this, but she knows that R did.

R’s growing distance turns into outright hatred towards X, but she doesn’t care. R is alive. She is safe (sort of) and they’re on their way to the exoplanet, where the technicians and their nasty tools can’t reach her. She likes their new teammate, S, but still feels guilty for not trying sooner. Was this what the company wanted? Would she have been able to spare R the pain if she had acted more violent, instead of more complacent and obedient?

Her apology is met with a fist to the gut, and R lunges at her with so much hatred and fury and X just… lets it happen. She knows that this is what R deserves, what she deserves, and she lets R go at her, kicking and biting and punching and screaming every profanity, insult and curse she can in X’s face. Even with her crazy-high pain resistance, every blow and venom-drenched word hurts, but X doesn’t stop her.

For a whole hour, R goes at it until she can barely speak, and eventually gets off X and prepares to fly off. S goes to help her, but R stops him. The two fly off, leaving X at the launch pod.

She’s in a lot of pain and broken in the few places, but she’ll live. In a few days, she’ll be able to hunt, and she’ll be able to be useful.

But for now, R is safe. Even if she hates X and berates and scolds her and treats her like shit once X gives up her leadership role, she’s still safe. And X will do anything to keep her best friend (but she knows she’s not R’s) safe. No matter what it takes.

And then R starts beating up kids.

The doodles above are some of the few expressions X can still make with her visor. She mostly uses body language and vocalizations to express herself.

[pi-creates]

If tfs had multiple endings (like something like clementine dies or even aj) what kind of endings do u think would be really cool to have? Personally dam now that I think about it an aj death ending is so dam sad but so interesting at the same time 🤧🤧

I'm with you, anon - as sad as more "bad endings" can be, it is more interesting to have those options be there and exploring the consequences fully. And this is the kinda thing I really like exploring - the alternate paths and how those things can play out if you just tweak the little things. So yeah, I hope you don't mind reading, I have a lot of thoughts on this one.

As for what kinda endings I would have liked to see, I'm a fan of having a diverging point in the last episode as you leave the cave after choosing if you trust AJ, and after James' fate is set as cooperative, pissed off with you, or dead.

You exit the cave and I want your level of friendliness with your saved companion to matter - you know how the game lets you BFF or romance the characters regardless of if you're an absolute dick to them? Yeah, well, I would prefer if at this point they only came to help you out if you were nice to them - if you were a dick, then even if you are their romantic partner they don't feel more obligated to help you over the other kids that got rescued. It’s not an act of cruelty on their part, but one of basic numbers - they have several friends to look out for right now.

In that situation you're a man down and Tenn is the one to mention the bridge - you get a scene more focussed on Tenn and AJ talking and get to hear AJ's attitude change towards Tenn based on whether you trusted him more or not. It could be AJ lecturing Tenn about survival stuff and how AJ wants to teach him, or it's them being more childish and maybe talking about Science Dog - just some fluff that makes us happy to see that AJ has a friend.

The bridge plays out mostly the same, and Clem cannot avoid her leg being damaged in the fight if it's just her and Tenn on that side of the bridge - I bring this up because I would like there to be a scenario where Clem can save her leg.

In theory, I would like it if a Clem who has earned cooperation from all of her companions and James has the ability to have another person on her side. James coming up on the bridge in the herd Minnie brings? Him having a character arc where if you pushed that sometimes the peaceful option might just lead to more death? Can you just imagine for a second that he sneaks up on Minnie as she's about to swing that axe down?

So let's say you have 4 theoretical combos happening with how many characters you have on the bridge:

Clem + AJ + Tenn = Clem is injured and Tenn's fate is determined by AJ being able to convince him to let his sister go (through mutual trust between them) or if AJ fails Tenn follows Clem's lead and also feels like AJ is too young to make decisions and therefore trusts his sister's manipulation more.

Clem + AJ + Tenn + Louis or Violet = same as canon. Clem is injured, Tenn and Louis or Violet are determinant on if AJ is trusted.

Clem + AJ + Tenn + James = Clem is not injured, but James will die in his struggle with Minnie - he saves Clem from the axe moment but without the extra backup he gets shoved through the hole in the bridge and falls to the rocks, Tenn's fate is still determined by AJ being able to convince him to let his sister go.

Clem + AJ + Tenn + James + Louis or Violet = Clem is not injured, James stops the axe moment and with the added backup of Louis or Violet he doesn't fall off the bridge, and Tenn's is saved by Louis or Violet while James keeps Minnie back. Louis or Violet also get off the bridge unscathed with James’ help to throw Tenn over. BUT James will always be the last person on that side of the bridge and his fate is determinant on trusting AJ (did you trust AJ to go with his own thoughts? And does AJ still think James wants to hurt them, or have you instilled enough thoughts that people can be redeemed into his head?) - AJ may choose to shoot James if he still views him as crazy, or irredeemable for his actions in the cave - this will still be a point of contention amongst the rest of the survivors.

So going over all that, you could theoretically end up on the other side of the bridge with these combos:

Injured Clem + AJ Injured Clem + AJ + Tenn Injured Clem + AJ + Louis Injured Clem + AJ + Violet

OR

Clem + AJ Clem + AJ + Tenn Clem + AJ + Louis + Tenn Clem + AJ + Violet + Tenn Clem + AJ + Louis+ Tenn + James Clem + AJ + Violet + Tenn + James

And now the combo you get is important, because an injured Clem can't climb that gate, she's stuck going for the cliff climb since she has more time to climb that before the walkers surround it. But an un-injured Clem has the choice of going over that gate - and that is the no bite route.

Going over the gate is shown to be a safe way home for a single kid to manage, so this group is safe at least from walker bites. There would need to be another emotional high point to this route that's the equivalent to the bite, though... and I'm not entirely sure what that would be. Maybe this is the route where that original thing where they wanted Sullene to chase Clem down as revenge for killing Yonatan can happen and Clem and AJ end up separated. I dunno... it's not the same parallel to season 1, but if they are desperate to have a similar feeling of dread maybe they can have another fake out where Clem gets shot in the scuffle and you once again switch to AJ panicking and trying to patch her up but the scene ends with Clem passing out before we know if he did a good enough job before either the rest of the group finds them, or AJ has to leave Clem and find the school. Or perhaps AJ can get shot here and we have another divergence. And to keep things sort of level with the amputation route, let’s call the shot a really bad shoulder hit that will result in that arm no longer having proper mobility even if it heals.

So in that scenario, let's say you can get 4 endings out of it. If you have friends you ended up separated from, then they're searching for you and can help with the medical emergency - they can save the person in time before they succumb to blood loss. But if you have to get to the school because you didn't have friends left here, then maybe it's too late. So Clem can die, Clem can be injured but recovering, AJ can die, or AJ can be injured but recovering. Then you have to incorporate all those other options into the "back at school" moment. So on this route, death situation of Clem or AJ also means Tenn is always dead and Clem's Saved friend is still alive, but they didn't come to find her after the cave, so you have that added tension to explore. Maybe you can even explore if AJ or Clem even wants to stay at the school if that was the end results - I dunno, it’s just an interesting thing to ponder. But the recovering situation can theoretically mean that no one died in the last episode, which is a marvel in and of itself.

But if you have an injured Clem who need to climb the cliffs, or an uninjured Clem who simply decided the cliff was a better option... this is where things get a little more complicated.

I would like it if in this scenario you could ask your Saved friend to either climb the gate (with Tenn and James if they are still alive) or come with you for the cliff. If they climb the gate, then they’re safe, it’s the same as canon and they get back to the school fine on their own. But if you ask them to stay, then there’s another option at the base of the cliff to determine the order in which the characters climb up. If it’s just you and AJ, then AJ always goes first, and everything proceeds as it does with canon. 

The problem is that an injured Clem is going to climb slower, so who goes last? If Clem is last, she gets bit, there’s no avoiding it - but if her Saved friend is climbing ahead of her, now they are there for the rest of the scenario watching a bitten Clem desperately keep AJ and them safe.

But if you make your Saved friend climb last, then it’s them who gets bitten, they go through a similar drama to a bitten Clem and plead to at least try to get them back to the school so they can make sure that Clem and AJ get back safely before they go. Same drama as canon, but happening to a different character... the difference being that an unbitten Clem in this situation who didn’t trust AJ to make his own decisions... well.... this one is on her shoulders, AJ’s not going to intervene. Does Clem make the choice to give their leg the axe, or does she kill them so they don’t turn, or does she just leave them there and take AJ to safety? And does the amputation option even work for them? Ehhh, let’s just say it does, Clem can’t be the only example of that working.

But finally... for like an ultimate downer moment, what if Clem is injured and climbs slower, but also asks her Saved friend to climb the cliff last? Well, we’re in for a double whammy. In this situation, your Saved friend is getting bit, and so is Clem. You both struggle to the barn, poor AJ is trying really hard not to break down while keeping the both of you moving, and you end up in the barn with Clem and her Saved friend debating what to do. Do they lament that this isn’t how they wanted things to go, or do they thank you for making sure they don’t leave the world alone? Do they make the suggestion that AJ does about being left as walkers, together forever and all that? And again, I wish there was some divergence here.... like, I get the want to surprise the player with  Clem still being alive - but does AJ still make that call when there’s more than one person telling him to just leave, or to kill them? I wish this was another moment where if you built up trust with AJ, then he saves you both by trusting in himself to try to save you, but if you didn’t trust him then he follows your word.

So on this route, you could have Clem die (potentially with the Saved friend as a witness), Clem could have her leg amputated (potentially with the Saved friend as a witness) , Clem could die with her Saved friend, Clem and her Saved friend could both be amputees, the Saved friend could die alone, or the Saved friend could have their leg amputated. 

So in total, we’re looking at... 10+ endings if you want to count in all those minor variations on who was romanced, saved, betrayed, etc.

And looking at it all.... I know it’s a lot. But in a world with all the resources, time, and motivation, I would have loved to have that many variations on the ending. It makes a happy ending in a choice based game feel so much happier and deserved when we know a “bad” end was so nearby too. Plus I really like when games provide “middle of the road” endings where they are varying levels of positives and negatives and it’s up to you to interpret if such a thing is good enough to still be considered an overall good situation. 

[princedamnianos]

Hi! I’m loving your deep dives into the Captive Prince. I only just discovered the books and binged them this month haha. Anyway, I watched an interview Pacat did a couple years ago where she was asked what moment Laurent fell in love with if for Damen it was the chase scene, but she wouldn’t answer. I don’t actually know if I agree with that but when do you think Laurent (and Damen) started to really fall? My guess is when Damen threw his whole ass sword into the mercenaries chest 😂

Hi, anon! I’m sorry it took me so long to get to this—it’s not something I’d really thought about before, so it took me a lot of reading and thinking to answer! Thank you for the lovely ask and the opportunity to dive into this.

Damen, I think, is relatively easy to gauge. One of my favorite things about him is how genuinely full of love he is—he just has so much of it to give. I think it’s really easy for him to fall in love, but it tends to be very fleeting and surface-level—more of an infatuation. I agree with the usual assessment that he starts falling at Nesson. He’s seen a lot of sides to Laurent before then, but they’ve all been very cultivated personas—the cold, in-control master with Damen; the witty and unattainable prince at court; the calculating leader with his men. Nesson, specifically the rooftop chase, is the first time he gets a peek at Laurent’s true self, at how vibrant he can be.

That side of Laurent is playful and vivacious, and still determined and clever. He likes the game, the thrill, the challenge. And I think Damen is drawn to both that brightness, and to the game of trying to draw it out from under all of Laurent’s defenses. That’s when he starts to fall in love, but I think for a long time he treats his love for Laurent more as an infatuation. It’s something intriguing, but with an expiration date—the moment that he sheds this persona of Damen, he thinks he’s going to shed their relationship as well.

I think that Ravenel is when he realizes this is something different. The closer he gets to freedom, the more he realizes that he cares about what he’s been building in Vere, and he cares about Laurent. And the moment that really rises up is a kingdom or this—they go through highs and lows afterwards, but once he realizes how impossible that choice feels, I don’t think there was any going back for him. He was going to stay as long as Laurent needed him.

Laurent is a little more complex. A really key moment in my understanding of his side of things is that first POV chapter we get in KR. Even after everything that went down in PG, there’s this distance when he thinks of Damen—he doesn’t even think of him by name, but just as the Akielon slave. I think he’s trying really hard not to think of him as A Person. That displays to me how carefully he has removed himself from all his feelings about Damen and Damianos.

In spite of that careful distance, though, we have all of these incredibly soft moments from PG. I am coming to know you; he would have liked you; the entirety of 19.5. A lot of his partnership with Damen can be rationalized—Damen had genuinely useful skills, and they were in a position where Laurent was confident that their interests were aligned—but I can’t explain away those specific moments. I think that throughout PG, he’s drawn to Damen, and he carefully removes himself from who Damen is to allow that. Because the thing is, as I’ve said before, Damen is unbelievably loveable.

Laurent is s o alone. He has been for a long time, and now it’s more true than ever, with his last surviving family member having graduated from just discrediting him to trying to kill him. I think that on a very human level, Laurent is tired. People aren’t designed to be so isolated for so long, especially not under such awful conditions, not even people as strong as he is. And then Damen comes along. And in spite of everything, Damen is safe. Both after the assassination attempt and at Nesson, we see Laurent commenting on how straightforward Damen is—sometimes to a fault. He’s open about his feelings and his intentions, and it’s not some front or strategy, it’s just his nature. On top of that, he’s just so steady. He’s honest, he’s brave, he’s hardworking. And once he decides to pursue an alliance with Laurent, he commits to it wholeheartedly.

Damen is the first person in so long that Laurent is able to relax around, and I think Laurent is j u s t tired enough that he can’t deny himself the bit of comfort that their relationship brings. And Damen is so genuine that he can’t find a reason to deny it. It’s not so much something he chooses as it is something he needs, and I think that allows him to maintain this separation between himself and Damen even as he is feeling this genuine fondness and trust towards him.

I think a significant part of why Laurent allows it is also that he, like Damen, attaches an expiration date to their relationship. Even after he realizes that Damen loves him—which, in my opinion, is what happens in the sword-throwing incident—he doesn’t believe that Damen would give up his throne for a crush on a foreign prince. He doesn’t expect that he’ll ever have to actually deal with the reality of who Damen is. He just wants to soak up whatever strength he can from Damen in the time that they have together. He wants to give into these handful of moments where he can show his true self, and rely on someone else, and not have to be so On and constrained all the time.

(And someday, I’m going to write a post about how strongly Damen reminds him of Auguste and how comforting that must be in the moments where he allows himself to forget who Damen is)

That is, of course, why he’s so awful at the start of KR. He’s punishing himself for falling in love with Damen in spite of who he is, and punishing Damen for being so easy to fall in love with. Most of the start of KR is him waiting for Damianos, this monster he expected him to be, to emerge; and instead he’s forced to realize that the monster never did exist—there has only ever been this one Damen, this good and honorable man that he fell in love with. So I don’t think there was necessarily one moment where he fell in love with Damen. It was something that grew slowly, quietly inside him, , until the moment in KR that he finally makes the conscious choice to commit to it.

I think that moment comes at Karthas. We have just been through this slow burn of Damen proving, unintentionally, over and over, how truly good and worthy he is. The sword fight, the tent scene, after the griva. There are so many moments where Damen could respond with anger and cruelty, where he could take advantage of Laurent or hurt him, could prove Laurent’s judgements correct, and he never does. He definitely pushes back when Laurent is particularly terrible, but even when he thinks there is no chance Laurent will love him, even when a harsher reaction would be fully justified, he treats him with honour and respect. And then they get to Karthas, this first moment where Damen is vulnerable, when he needs Laurent instead of the other way around, and Laurent finally falls. Finally makes the choice to love him.

And once he makes that choice, he never backs down.

One final point about Laurent—I think that over years of trauma and abuse, he’s built up this level of disconnect between his mind, his emotions, and his body. I think that’s part of what we see him trying to heal, especially when he is in bed with Damen and in those few openly emotional moments late in KR. In addition, I have always headcanoned him as demiromantic, though I’m not sure to what extent that is something he was born with and to what extent it was born of trauma. Either way, I’m not convinced that Laurent himself realized how strong his feelings were in PG. It’s not until later KR, when Damen starts really pushing him to recognize who he is, that Laurent was able to realize or understand or acknowledge what it was he’d been feeling towards Damen all along.

[livebloggingmydescentintomadness]

I'm scared to say this off anon but like I really don't like the new doctor who's it's not jodie or anything she would be fantastic if the writer was better I hate what he's doing with my childhood show it used to be a person who loses everyone choosing to be good despite the cost even tho sometimes they lose sight of that they get back up and try again and I miss that it feels like he's got rid of that p1

P2 it’s so annoying and the timeless child storyline just destroyed what doctor who meant for me it was an ‘ordinary’ person choosing to be extraordinary by always just trying to do right, to be kind and now it’s some chosen one bull I don’t want that I want someone who chooses themselves to be a hero no prophecy, no legend just them going no I refuse I’m gonna change this but Chris took that away by making it just another chosen one story I hate it

i disagree with you, but i certainly don’t hate you for feeling this way and i understand why you do.

to me, it honestly doesn’t feel like a “chosen one” narrative, because what happened to the doctor was both an accident and them being taken advantage of. like, we don’t know where she originally came from or who she originally was, but presumably she wasn’t special among her species for being able to regenerate. she just got lost (?) and was taken in by somebody who loved her but ultimately abused her.

like yes, there’s all this You’re The Special One, but it was something done TO her, something TAKEN from her without her consent. she was only a child and she was experimented on and had her memories stripped from her, she was lied to and used and treated badly by the very people who only exist because of what they stole from her.

we haven’t seen her operating within this narrative very much yet, but to me it feels a lot more like… coming to the sudden realization that your family has abused you your whole life and that’s why you’ve always felt out of place, that’s why you ran away and have stayed running, that’s why you have all this pain and sadness, not because something is inherently wrong with who you are. 

for all the doctor has hated the other time lords, there was something so visceral in the way she yelled “they wouldn’t do that” and “why would they lie”. it felt to me like an abuse victim having to finally face the fact that the people they’ve been angry with this whole time weren’t just kind of shitty, they were abusive. they were hurtful and abusive and cruel on purpose. and subsequently losing her grip on everything she thought she knew about herself, her whole identity, her whole world, and having to struggle and fight to redefine herself again.

now, i’m not actually sold on the plotline yet, i’m a bit wary of so big a change to the whole bedrock of the show, but i am interested to see where it will go. i liked jodie’s acting, i liked how it wasn’t just a “gotcha” twist but resulted in real, obvious trauma and pain and confusion for the doctor, and how she was ultimately able to use herself, what fundamentally belongs to her, to break free. 

and to me, it ultimately strengthens the doctor’s entire ethos of choosing to be kind, because while she might not be ordinary, she was abused and used and stolen from in horrible ways. she has every excuse to behave like the master, to be angry and cruel and violent, to take out her pain and rage on everyone else, but now all the more she will look in the face of selfish cruelty and say, i choose kindness. i choose to be kind, not because what you did to me was okay, and not because you deserve it, but because it’s who i have decided to be.

to me, i think that’s still a pretty powerful message. but again, i think you’re entitled to your opinion and i don’t hate you for feeling the way you do. take care, dear.

[mercurymetals]

Just here to drop a theoryish head cannon. I’m pretty sure doppio is the original or the first, since diavolo lIterally means devil and that’s not really a name. The way he’s literally named Devil by doppio and himself also just makes me think that he’s misunderstood. Like, imagine carrying the weight of being the devil to someone, or to yourself that shit hurt

i see what you mean anon! like, doppio “made” diavolo (even if subconsciously) and called him that to reflect how he encompasses all of doppio’s negative/scary/”evil” feelings, like his own personified devil. or maybe he’s just a second personality that’s misunderstood, as you say, having to carry the both of their burdens on his own most of the time. like, is he really evil, or does he simply try to keep the both of them safe the best way he knows how? i do like that train of thought, though my own headcanons differ slightly. hope you don’t mind i ramble a bit!

i have like two ideas regarding this and i still can’t decide between them. the first is that neither of them are the “original”, but instead were both part of a single identity/person, solido naso (or whatever his actual name was as given by the priest). you know, the person donatella met. solido had traits of both doppio and diavolo - outwardly he was much like doppio, sweet and a little shy, quiet and unassuming.

but inside he harboured away his darker side, the urge for violence and cruelty and his complete lack of empathy. he was also dealing with growing paranoia, constantly worried that people would “discover” his true nature and realise the sweet boy they all know him as is just a mask. he knows he won’t get away with things if he’s found out, and then he’ll just end up in prison like his shitty mother. god, that bitch, how dare she do this to him, it’s all her fault, she’s gonna drag him back to the hellhole she came from and he absolutely cannot let that happen…

when solido was caught burying his mother by the priest, that triggered his paranoia to go into overdrive. fuck, it finally happened, he really got caught, they’re gonna know who he is, they’re gonna get him, he has to do something. he has to hide. he has to disappear.

so he does, by faking his own death. but the trauma on his psyche didn’t end there. solido got caught in a spiral of paranoia so deep that his desire, his need to disappear finally caused that part of himself to split off from his other half, and go even further into hiding by burying itself deeply in his “innocent” half’s subconsciousness. and thus, we get a man split into two reflections of his self, neither more true or complete than the other, but neither a fully developed person all on their own, either - diavolo and doppio are merely the echoes of the single person solido naso used to be.

that’s my first theory… my second is simpler, but i like it just as much. in this one, diavolo’s the original… except he used to be like doppio. doppio is just diavolo when he was 17~19. doppio is how diavolo was as a teenager. doppio IS diavolo. there’s no personality split here - it’s just that as diavolo got older and his paranoia worsened, he decided to “keep” his younger self’s outward personality as a front to hide behind. in order to keep his “double” unsuspecting, he also removed doppio’s memories, taking away any violent things he did in his youth, to better convince doppio that he is just a normal boy living a normal life, or at least he was until he “joined” the mafia.

so the separation here is more on the basis that doppio just can’t remember a lot of the things he did, and is just the more innocent version of a young diavolo.

for both theories i tend to headcanon diavolo/solido endured a lot of abuse in his childhood, which uhh fucked him up mentally and lead to him having a more fragile state of mind to begin with, which is what made the splitting possible.

this is also why i headcanon he eventually called himself diavolo - i mean, a kid raised by a catholic priest, choosing to identify as the one central figure the whole religion is against? to me that’s diavolo saying fuck you to his abuser one last time, purposely choosing to align himself with everything that man would’ve hated as an act of rebellion he never got to perform as a kid. hell, even his whole aesthetic fits the rebellious teenager vibes, i mean he dresses in a way that would surely leave a conservative religious family scandalised.

so really diavolo’s just acting out at the age of 33 the way i’m sure he dreamed of doing when he was a child. that in itself is pretty childish of him, but it makes sense if you look at it from that perspective, because in some ways, part of him is still stuck in his childhood, and that is not something he can ever run away from. the best he can do is to keep doppio “safe” from those memories; a distant and roundabout way of living out a normal, abuse-free life for himself, but a way nonetheless.

[divagonzo]

Diva you should be real proud that you are helping someone who is struggling and can connect to your Hermione. As much as I love the Hermione critical stuff, I think we sometimes forget real woman have a real connection to Hermione and that's not a bad thing and we can't just automatically put them all in the same box if they say Hermione is their favorite. When I read that anons message it moved me to tears and it has opened my eyes how much even fanfiction can help people cope

Evenin’ Nonnie.

Sorry this is a touch tardy but Firefox decided to explode on me virtually so I’ve been dealing with computer issues the last hour (and growing increasingly upset over it)…..

I’ll be the first to admit that this isn’t the first email/IM that I’ve received when it comes to my writing. Each one is cherished, precious, and highly appreciated.

More under the cut because it got very long very fast and also tidied up a few times so I’m not vague posting which I think is passive aggressive and rude.

I admit that I took an hour today to just let that anon’s note sink in. I’d been having a small pity party of 1 over stuff (it’s not important) but having that reminded me of why I write - while it’s for myself, it’s also for those who are in need, like I did growing up, and not having parents there who could provide answers or healthy role models in what I wanted out of life. It was also learning about found family, even if it’s in print or digital sheets are your refuge in times of trouble and receiving comfort knowing that when things get serious and dark, there is hope still, if you choose what is right over what is easy. Sometimes that choice is continuing to live, even out of spite of others.

Sometimes it’s accepting consequences for speaking out on something important but also unpopular.

I dunno if I’d call it pride or being proud of my work. I know that I’m far from popular because I don’t write candy floss unless prompted but dig into the harder topics, the angst and the hard-hitting issues that are important to those who might not have a voice or can speak up and out on how hard things are. And while this is an unpopular opinion in that Hermione meta needed to be hashed out in the open, under all of the lights for everyone to see, including that teenagers are arseholes like I was and am and have to learn too, like I did. Also needed were others speaking up and out on why Hermione was important to them (thanks @lytefoot and @burgundydahlia) the ways that Hermione is viewed like you would a dear friend, calling out their mess when they mess up (like we do from time to time) and also admit that some behaviors are enabling and being women, we should hold our friends accountable but also be accountable to them - but also loving them even if they’ve made mistakes, sometimes very painful ones.

I do think that it’s been necessary to see behaviors that are unacceptable and learn from them, much like the fandom, in general, has learned about Creepy on Main issues of age gaps, grooming tactics, and power imbalances; how bickering isn’t cruel and disagreeing isn’t bullying; how cruelty is masqued as jealousy and that games don’t work on people with anxiety who can easily talk themselves into thinking that no one likes them and they are not worth the time, effort, or investment to keep friendships. All of those lessons are in the pages in the series, including some examples of Demotivation topics including “Sometimes you are the object lesson of what not to do”

But I also know that my voice can be one to reach out, that crap happens - and sometimes the crap that does happen can only be endured until safety happens and that once a woman is safe and away from harm, only then can they start the process in healing, in whatever ways they choose (healthy and not-healthy.) My goal is stories where shit happens, horrible things happen and trauma is a result but damn it, even when things are dark and horrible, there is hope that the pain will go away, that others will be there to give a hand up or a shoulder to lean on, or some cranky arsed six-eyed four-eared Dragon will offer wisdom when answers aren’t what you want but what you need. While there might not be a happy ending, there is a hopeful one. Happy endings, while needed, sometimes fall flat for those who need hope more than happiness, since happiness is fleeting as emotion and dependent on outside influences rather than a personal choice to be happy and content.

As I’ve mentioned to @ronandhappiness today, while what I write is angst and hurt and problematic, it’s also honest and maybe ways that others’ wisdom can be passed forward, to help those who have no help. It’s being the Dragon that I needed and didn’t have at that age for others who do need it - even if it’s at 25 and not 15. It’s also sharing the wisdom that the enabling of poor behavior isn’t healthy but co-dependent and being honourable women means occasionally calling each other out when we fuck up, when we fail, and fail others.

Sometimes it’s receiving help from someone you held in disdain because you’re vulnerable and they choose to help. Sometimes it’s not seeing eye to eye with someone and yet still appreciating them because they helped when no one else did.

As I’ve told my kiddos plenty of times, I fail and will fail pretty often - but I’ll be arsed if I give up trying. And that is how I personally see Hermione - which is the tiny bit of me that I identify in her written character: that while she has an almost pathological need to be right all the time (cough me as a kid cough) it mellows out to realize that others can be right, too. But regardless she just never quits. The fire of righteous justice is never quenched. The sharp edges never dull unless it’s by personal choice.

I dunno about you, nonnie, but having an emotionally gratifying relationship with other women, especially when they muck things up, even if they are characters on a printed page, is rewarding in ways that I hope to pay forward in my stories for others - so they can, in turn, help others later on.

[toycarousel]

My abuser was kin so I have some bad feelings towards them, especially fiction kin. It impacted my ability to write a fanfic really close to my heart. A lot of it really hurts me, and I don't really know how to go about being okay with it again. My abuser fucked up a lot of things, like he now claims to have my mental illness and all kind of shit while people from his side attack me for my mental illness. How can I be okay with kin again?

This is a complex topic, and trust me, I’m with you all the way.  I associate a lot of otherwise totally harmless traits with people who’ve been abusive toward me, so I definitely get where you’re coming from.  Healing’s a long road, and it takes a concerted amount of effort, but I do believe it will fade over time (NOT saying that you’ll “get over it,” and not brushing you off here at all, just saying that it doesn’t need to happen overnight). 

***Also, as an incredibly important aside here, I am not a medical professional, so while I’m giving you tips based on the therapy that I’m currently undergoing, you should definitely not just take my word as law, especially if it feels off to you.  If you're able to talk to a professional about this, I’d definitely recommend doing so!!!!!!! Stay safe, Anon!!!!!!***

To start off with, you don’t owe people your immediate trust.  I do think it’s unfair to assume everyone who belongs under a certain umbrella term is an abuser, but it doesn’t actually sound (to me) like you’re doing that, it just seems (from what you’ve stated here) that you have an instinctive dislike of a group of people who share something in common with your abuser.  And that makes sense, and is reasonable.  When I say that it’ll fade over time, I mean that the more you come into contact with kinfolk who do not abuse you, whether you’re close to them or not (and you don’t have to be!) the less strong that connection in your brain between the two will be, as time progresses.

Using an example from my own life, I associate nurses with medical abuse because I was treated absolutely horrendously by several nurses in a program I was forced into when I was 16.  I had no choice but to be there, and these specific nurses treated me with cruelty.  

However, since then, I’ve met a bunch of people who are studying to be nurses, I’ve met exceptionally kind nurses who go out of their way to make their patients comfortable -- to make hospitals less awful, etc.  I’ve met nurses who worked to save my life... so I don’t just look at all nurses and think “they’re gonna be an awful person.”  However, when the incidents with the bad nurses in that one program had just occurred, I did look at all nurses and feel that way. It took my brain a lot of time to heal from the experience, and to really understand that, just because they have that unrelated trait in common with bad people, doesn’t mean they’re gonna automatically be bad people.

It really did take time, though... and it also took a lot of good experiences to counteract the awful experiences.  

So, my advice to you would be to really ask yourself, first, “am I ready to associate with people who are kin, particularly fiction kin?” If not, give yourself some more time/distance, just to reset and heal a bit more, you know? And if you do think you’re ready, then start slow.  Maybe follow a few people on this site who are kin, but who have never been mean to you, who don’t associate with your abuser, and just kinda lightly chat with them or get to know them as complex, but ultimately non-abusive, decent people.  Again, I’d take this slowly, so you don’t put yourself through something too painful too soon!!!

Your abuser is a scumbag, and he would be one, regardless of whether he’s mentally ill, whether he’s kin, or whether he’s neither of those things... but our brains like to make shortcuts to protect us from harm after we’ve been hurt before, so, like, don’t be unkind to yourself about being wary around people who share traits with him.  It’s an automatic survival instinct that can’t always be controlled (it’s called “generalization,” in psych terms) but, with a lot of extremely slow, and careful gestures, this tendency can begin to stop preying on you.

As for the people who are attacking you, well.  One day they’ll have to see that they aided an abuser and went out of their way to cause harm and distress to another person -- a survivor of abuse.  If they have a shred of decency in them, that will come back to haunt them and they’ll have to do their own work toward becoming better people, and potentially making things right (and hey, sometimes it’s too late to make things right, which is also something they’ll have to live with, if that’s the case).

For now, I’d block them and your abuser (if you haven’t already) and spend your time within circles of people that you know you can trust, or that you at least can tell are decent ppl, who you can also keep at an arm’s length as casual friends before you’re ready to really dive back into certain topics and social groupings (if you even decide you are ready to at some point).

And ugh, I totally feel you on the mental illness thing, like.  I wasn’t chronically abused by this person or anything, but this person, who was incredibly awful toward me, also had this nasty habit of, like, Suddenly Having the exact same mental illness I do, but only When It Was Convenient For Them within the context of a given conversation.  

As soon as I showed symptoms, they were all like “that doesn’t exist, it’s made up, it’s in your head, get over it, shut up.”  

“...Schrödinger's Borderline,” I like to call that person.  (It’s fake when I show symptoms, but anything they do wrong they get to blame on it instantly and I can’t possibly fault them//sarcasm.  Sigh).

Anyway, sorry for getting off topic.  I hope some of what I’ve written here makes sense and is helpful in any way! Regardless of what you choose to do, be sure to look out for yourself -- despite what anyone else has said, you do not deserve to be abused and/or otherwise mistreated, and you do deserve to feel comfortable.  If you’re not ready to be around kinfolk yet, then that’s okay! Take your time.