#and it is very tempting to just .... not finish this goddam thing

[smirk47]

...

[dadzawa-adopt-dabi]

Transbodyswap fic

Keigo had only gotten hit with the quirk because he had shoved Shigaraki out of the way. It was a stupid move on his part, body moving without thinking. Shigaraki had already been attempting to dodge but Keigo hadn’t given him time to finish getting out of the way. He hipchecked Shig out of the way, resulting in him getting smacked with the quirk instead. A beam of light shoots from their palm,hitting one of his wings. Dabi shoots to his side when he wavers, having trouble standing upright. He feels slightly dizzy, like he has a concussion.Him shoving Shigaraki gave him a chance to finally get his protective gloves off and shove himself to his feet. Dabi shot a plume of his blue fire to cover Shig and it melts the asshole’s shoes to the cement, effectively trapping her as he grabs a pair of quirk cuffs hanging off Keigo’s belt.

“You're so goddam lucky I'm not able to incinerate your trashy ass right now.” Dabi hisses as he clacks them around her wrists. Keigo could drop her off at a police station in a few minutes. 

“Save it Dabi, Didn’t do anything but make me lose my balance for maybe 30 seconds.” Keigo huffed from where he was leaning against a wall.

Dabi’s hands flutter with the want to help him but don’t touch him.

“Keigo are you alright?” Dabi reached out and grabbed his shoulder, cupping his face with his other hand. Tilting his face towards him and removing his visor, checking his pupils to see if he had a concussion.

“Aw worried hot stuff? I was just knocked a little off balance. I’m fine.” Keigo still leaned into the hand on his face. He made no move to stand up straight instead letting Dabi sling his arm over Dabi’s thin shoulders. 

“Dizzy? Nauseous? Do we need to try and get you to a hospital or to a vet here birdy?” Dabi was only half joking. He truly was worried and it showed in his eyes as he frowned Keigo seemed to shake it off.

“I go to a commision appointed doctor, you know that.” keigo smirks up at him and flaps his wings to get the others to give him some more room.

“What the fuck were you thinking you peice of roadkill?” Shigaraki snarled at him. Trembling in either anger or fear. He seemed to come to his senses and grabbed the villain who was sitting against the wall. She would be dropped off by Kuroguri since Hawks seemed to be down for the moment. Might have been the quirk or with how Hawks had been working lately it could also just be exhaustion.

 “We don’t even know what their quirk does, it could have been anything and you might have just gotten hit with it because you couldn't stand to what? Couldn't stand to let a villian get hurt?” He furiously messed with his phone in his other hand. Either texting Kuroguri to complain or to get them a portal home.

“I accept that whatever happens is my fault for jumping in front of you. You probably could have dodged. I just didn’t give myself time to think.” shrugging off the last of their concern he grabbed Dabi’s arm. 

“Now I believe we were on a mission for Disney movie night? Snacks are in order and I’m not letting a random vigilante attacking us try to ruin league night!” Keigo’s voice isn't even forced into being chipper, he’s genuinely excited about movie night it seems. A warpgate opened next to them and Shigaraki sighed.

“They still want to get snacks I guess. Can you warp her outside the nearest police station?” He nudged the vigilante towards the portal and pulled back on his gloves. Artist ones Dabi had gotten him that left all but his pinky and thumb exposed.

“Fucking hell, roadkill waiting to happen thats what you are.” shaking his head, Shigaraki pushed the vigilante through the portal the rest of the way and started walking in the direction of the 24hr convience store.

“I’ll let you know I eat roadkill for breakfast and you're being very rude by bringing it up!” Hawks turned his nose high up in the air and arched his wings. Playing up being offended to watch Shigaraki sputter and Dabi threaten Shig with silent dagger eyes. It was cute in a way, making little butterflies flutter in his stomach, the way Dabi thought he needed to be defended. 

He hadn’t felt anything for anyone in what felt like years, not like this at least. Pure attraction tugging a smile onto his face. He still hadn’t made a move to respond to Dabi’s flirting.  He wanted to but just...didn't know how Dabi felt yet he guessed. 

He was a villain but he seemed to be so kind, and Magne was always respected around them. Maybe Dabi just didn’t want to date a trans person? He wasn’t ready to deal with the heartache if he wasn’t. Didn’t want to confess to something so personal quite yet.

Movie night ended up going as just like Keigo hoped it would. Popcorn being thrown everywhere and impromptu sing alongs to a lot of songs. Dabi kept trying to get him to duet with him. He had only ever sung for Rumi before. Well,  Dabi had walked in on him once when he was singing in the kitchen. He had broken in but Dabi had a habit of making himself at home in places he wasn't supposed to be.

Most of the others fell asleep in the living room but when he started nodding off on Dabi's shoulder Dabi had gently shaken him awake to lead him to his room.

“I can’t - i mean. I should- it's better if I just go home Dab’s, what if whoevers room this is wakes up and finds me in their bed?”  He hovered outside the doorway.

“This is your room. For when you're here anyways.” Dabi leaned against the doorframe and smirked at him.

“I'm not here that often though? Are you guys sure, I'm still a Hero you know.” Hawks lips were twisted up in a smile when he said it,but it was his hero persona talking to Dabi, not Keigo. He still had the bad habit of covering anything he was unsure or too emotional about with his Hero persona. It was too easy for him to do so, Dabi had worked hard to see the cracks in the shield and read the person underneath.

“It's alright to leave if you're uncomfortable with it. Shigaraki won’t change his mind about giving you one either way.'' Dabi reassured him. He had no right to be looking as hot as he was. Leaning against a doorframe and smirking at him.

“It's not that I'm that uncomfortable with it, but how will everyone else feel with me sleeping here? A Hero in your home?” He countered. 

“Everyone was pretty excited when we told them we were giving you a room, actually pretty bird” Dabi shrugged. He was tempted to offer Hawks his bed but Hawks rarely responded to his flirting as it was and he would rather not scare him off.

“Pretty bird now huh? Not roadkill or chicken? Careful, I'll think you're getting soft on me hotstuff.“ Keigo smirked and leaned forward jokingly. Like he was going to give Dabi a kiss, puckering his lips cartoonishly.

“I’ll take you up on that kiss in a heartbeat if you're not careful” Dabi smiled and leaned in closer as Keigo regained control of his senses and stepped back into his room.

“Night pretty bird i'll dream of you” Keigo could hear Dabi laughing on the other side of the door not the least bit put off or sour.

“better keep it pg13!” letting out a tired laugh Keigo flopped onto his bed. An entire room without surveillance he could just relax in. A room for him for when he got tired of being a hero 24/7 and wanted to be a person for a little bit. 

The league did a lot for him and they didn't always realize it, things like this room. Reserved for someone who might rarely if ever use it. Like the raw ground turkey meat in the fridge, because Toga drank blood and Shuichi ate raw eggs. So really Keigo’s dietary needs were not that abnormal for someone with a predatory animal quirk. Just about everyone helped him preen his wings.

 He fell asleep almost the instant his head hit the pillow.

When he woke up he didn’t recognize anything. Maybe because this room belongs to him his guard was down lower than usual?

He stretched and felt the lack of wings on his back. Oh, one of those nightmares. Okay, he could deal with this, he didn't usually lucid dream but he had once or twice. He knew the general rules to keep his dream in control.

Then a certain lower body part that did not usually feel like that brushed against the sheets, jolting him fully awake. He shot bolt upright out of bed. Floundering to throw off the covers and take stock of himself.  He saw deeply scarred purple skin held to healthy skin with shiny staples. It caused him to reel back out of shock, he ended up falling completely out of bed with a wince.

 That- that was not his. He would know if that was his. It didn't occur to him to not check it, that this wasn’t his body to look at. He had just looked down and there it was. Jesusu fucki- fuck, it was even pierced. Oh fuck,it hits him like a brick. Slightly harder, because he’s been thrown into bricks with less force than the realization that he is in Dabi’s body hits him with.

Then where was- Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. Shit god damn it. He starts reading to leave, yanking on a pair of nearby pants with a t-shirt. He hears a curse and a thump from where he guesses his room is and starts to walk quickly down the hall. He hears the start of Dabi waking up in his body, cussing and the sound of his wings throwing Dabi out of bed and picks up the pace to a run.

“What the fu-” is all that meets his ears before he slides around the corner and slams himself into the front door before he can stop and open it.

“Dabi? What’s wro- ” Magne starts to ask in concern before he’s out the door, pushing Dabi’s already burning lungs and aching muscles to go faster.

He hears someone call for Dabi but by the time anyone thinks to call for him, Keigo, He’s already almost out of earshot. Running in Dabi’s body is different, his lungs won’t work and he keeps gasping. He almost falls several times, catching himself at the last moment before his face can meet the pavement. Once or twice he over balances and he has to smack his hand against the ground to shove himself back upright to keep going, still in a panic. He’s pushed Dabi's body too hard, smoke escaping from the seams. His lungs burn and his muscles twitch consistantly.

Keigo stares over at his building from the dirty alleyway, debating how he’s going to get into his apartment while in Dabi’s body.  A loud Hawk screech sounds startling him. Dabi hadn’t, had he? He knows what he sounds like when he’s been startled and a few weeks ago Dabi had startled him badly enough that he had lost control of his vocal cords. Which led to him letting out a startled screech, always so loud due to his quirk. He smacks at the pockets on his pants looking for the phone and finds it in the hoodie pouch. Did he accidently steal Dabi’s phone? Fuck the phone actually, he techniccally stole Dabi’s body by taking off like he had.

He flinches as he thinks about it. He stole Dabi’s body and left him stuck in his. He silently mourns the flirting and discrete courting Dabi had been attempting. The research he had done for nothing, the gifts he had been giving Keigo and the preening he teased him with.

 Dabi’s phone gives another screech in his hand and he opens it. There’s two texts from his number. His number was saved under ‘A pretty bird’.

>I'm going to assume you went home. We’re going to track down the women who hit you with her quirk.

> You need to go in through the back service entrance and use the elevator there. No one should spot you.

The phone is silent for a few seconds as Keigo ducks into the alley beside his building, he finds the service entrance relatively easy and eases inside, wincing at the creak of the door. Then it screeches again and he yanks it out of his pocket to turn the sound down. Heart pounding he checks what Dabi sent now.

>I'm sorry if I've made you uncomfortable. I'll try and stop by later if I can so we can talk if you want.

He notices as he shuts the service door that a sponge is tucked into the lock. His security really did suck if this was how Dabi was always getting into his building. True to Dabi’s word though he didn't see anyone as he rode the elevator up to his floor.His apartment door is never locked anymore, anyone who would come over already knows how to lockpick. 

< I’m sorry.

He finally responds to Dabi and tucks himself into his nest. Curling up under a blanket and looking through Dabi’s phone games. There’s not much. Collect some goldfish, a couple match 3 and a hidden objects one. Nothing like Keigo’s mix of cafe and gacha games.

>What the fuck are you sorry for? Not your fault the bitch whammied you with her quirk. 

<You know what I mean. I didn’t tell you and you're stuck in my body, so now you know.

>We’re talking about this later when I can see your face.

Keigo’s heart squeezes and he feels like he should be crying but there’s nothing there when he brushes his hands against Dabi’s eyes. Catching on the staples there reminds him that he still has to clean and disinfect Dabi’s staples. He would give anything to slip into a muscle bath soak right now to ease Dabi’s twitching muscles but he doesn't know how the scars would react.

He checks what damage he can see first. Dabi’s staples around his wrists and on his face. Before realizing he can feel something wet dripping down his legs. Glancing down he wonders how he didn’t feel the staples tearing out of Dabi’s skin before. He presses hard on a patch to check and just feels a small bit of pressure instead. He can't, Dabi can’t feel anything on his scars he realizes. Keigo feels like his eyes should be crying again.

He puts the staples back in that he can and presses a peroxide soaked cotton ball to the wounds. Then he takes a roll of cloth bandages and wraps the seams as best as he can. He leaves his bathroom a mess, figuring he can clean that up later. 

He flops back into his nest feeling cleaner and a little less like he’s going to fall apart. He gets a text from Dabi warning him he’s coming in after passing a ridiculous amount of levels in one of his games. A swirl of black and the sounds of a busy house fill his silent apartment. Sako promising not to cut himself if Kuroguri let him help cook breakfast. Jin arguing with himself over if he wants coffee or juice. Toga sleepy and demanding Shigaraki sit next to her. Keigo’s gotten attached and he hadn’t even noticed. He knows what they like to eat in the morning and how they greet him when he stops by for what’s essentially his lunch but everyone else’s breakfast. 

“-and you better fucking kiss him, Don’t come back until he’s been well fucked and well kissed.” Magne's voice cuts above the chaos as one of Keigo’s red wings pokes through the warp gate. Frank and loud as always, bringing him back to the present situation of Dabi coming through a portal to his utterly trashed apartment. For fucks sake he has a half empty bottle of alcohol uncapped and left on his bedside table. Not to mention the trash all over. He plucks a pop tart wrapper out of his blankets before he shrugs and leaves it, nothing he could do about his mess of a personal life now.

“Can you not? I’m fucking trying to eat breakfeast.” Shigaraki hissed at her. 

“Just get his ass back here when this mess is fixed.” Dabi steps through the portal in Keigo’s body and it lacks all of his usual grace. He’s more like falling through it,wings obviously unbalancing him.

“He’ll come back if he wants assface. I ain’t going to force him to do shit either of you.” He gestures to Kuroguri to close the portal as their very loud complaining starts up. Keigo’s wings relax and droop to the floor, as Dabi turns around and looks at Keigo’s sty of a room. He raises an eyebrow but that’s it. Looking at Keigo in the nest however has his wings lifting up into a protective shield.

“Hey Pretty bird.” Dabi sits on the edge of the nest and Keigo’s wings he’s wearing relax again. They seem to be extremely expressive on Dabi, constantly moving themselves wherever they want and getting in his way.

“I’m sorry.” he gulps while curling into himself until he feels a stretch of skin somewhere on his back tug sharply. Fuck, Dabi must have scars on his back too. These didn’t have the lack of feeling around it like the others did. “This isn’t how I wanted to tell you. I promise I was going to before we did anyth-”

Dabi gently tugged on his stapled limbs, interrupting Keigo and making him unwind himself from his little ball. It wasn’t a comfortable position on his scars, he knew from experience.

“I said I would talk to you. About this. It doesn't have to be now either, or really ever.”  Dabi gestured to the body he was currently wearing while he was speaking. It didn’t really matter what body parts Keigo had, not to him at least.

“I care more about your comfort level than what’s in your pants. Have I been making you uncomfortable with all the flirting?” Keigo’s wings rustled and twitched on his back. He had no idea how Keigo kept them from moving all the time. The feathers themselves moved a lot but the appendages themselves were attention grabbing.

“No It’s, It’s not that.” Keigo grabs his own body’s hand, feeling Dabi’s heart skip a beat. “I liked flirting. Didn’t want it to stop actually.”

“It doesn't have to stop then.” Dabi wove their fingers together and squeezed his own hand. Keigo’s wings flared open as wide as they could and he swayed as he fought to not be overbalanced by them. Keigo pulled on their joined hands so he flopped fully into the nest and laid over his own body’s legs.

“I'm more concerned with the way your body aches all over. Why do your wing joints feel like they are on fire? Trust me I know what that feels like.” Dabi propped himself up and noticed small drops of blood on Keigo’s sweatpants. Shit, Keigo must have torn some staples in Dabi’s legs earlier.

 “you can tell me how to fix that after we take care of my staples. You tore a few while you were running off this morning.” Dabi helped Keigo out of his nest, blue eyes locked with his golden brown ones. Keigo’s wings flared again and Dabi smirked, he was starting to get an idea of what the flaring meant.

Keigo gently laughs as he sits on the lid of the toilet and pulls down his borrowed sweats. Keigo’s wings flare wide as he sits down between his own body’s thighs to inspect the damage. It’s not as bad as it could be and he asks about Keigo’s wings to distract them as he carefully straightens and wraps them.

“Um that’s.” Keigo blushes as he tries to find the words to explain courtship displays when he realizes Dabi is the one attracted to him. Dabi is the one fanning himself out and kneeling between his legs. It’s his body displaying the signs but it’s Dabi who’s turned on at the thought of kneeling between Keigo’s legs. “Serious? I can’t believe you're getting turned on right now. I just fucked your staples up and you're having to help patch me up.”

Dabi snorted and gently unwrapped the mess Keigo had slapped on his wounds. “I’ve got a snarky bird in front me who I happen to like very much. Sue me. This quirk should wear off in about two days. We can stay here or we can go home.” He finished wrapping his seams and looked up at Keigo gently smoothing the seams as he focused on trying to fold Keigo’s wings to his back.

Keigo glanced down at Dabi, wings spread and licked his lips at the image.  “I’d like to stay here if it’s alright, I think I want some time with just us.” 

 “I’ll let the League know I won’t be back till later then.” Dabi stands, pulling Keigo gently up with him to avoid stressing his staples again. He goes to turn away and Keigo grabs his own wings and yanks him back in for a kiss. Dabi let’s out a startled moan at the action.

“You can do that after you help me with something else.” Keigo smirks so largely he can feel the staples in Dabi’s face struggling not to tear.

[mymoonjin1]

My thoughts on Crimes of Grindelwald

I know there are loads of comments on this already but I too need to rant for a while. I’ll try to finish this off with some constructive criticism, though. (I’d like to add that it’s perfectly fine if you did enjoy this film, this is just MY opinion.)

I don’t even know where to start. Listen, I am a huge Harry Potter fan, always have been, even considering a tattoo. And I actually really liked the first Fantastic Beasts movie. It had its flaws, but overall it was a good story. But most importantly: the movie can stand on itself. It has its own plot. Newt arrives in New York and accidentally lets loose a few magical creatures. The goal: finding the creatures whilst figuring out who is causing the muggle attacks. Simple, fun. They mention Hogwarts and Dumbledore, stuff we’re familiar with, but not overly so. It’s done cleverly. Now. Cut to Crimes of Grindelwald. Oh, boy. From uncomfortable close-ups to just plain weird editing this film is a goddam mess, not to mention the nonsensical storylines. No matter how effing cute nifflers are. Let’s break it into themes. 

Grindelwald

The movie ended and I still had no idea what Grindelwald’s crimes were. He “escapes” (He had already switched places with Abernathy, so why was that whole scene even there? A dark, evil wizard like him surely would just call Abernathy's sacrifice necessary for the cause or whatever), his French sidekick kills a family in order to keep their house and then he gives a speech. That’s it. What were his crimes?! He’s already a “notorious" dark wizard, what has he done besides spreading the word? Also, what is his actual ideology here? I’m sorry but that speech was a bit lame and again, confusing. Is he opposed to World War II or is he gonna take advantage of it? Kill all muggles or only those responsible for the war? But most importantly, we see Grindelwald for like ten minutes during the whole movie, why is his name even on the freaking title? I liked when he held his wand like he was directing an orchestra whilst killing everyone with the blue fire. That’s pretty much it.  Also, I’m not getting into Johnny Depp’s controversy cause that’s a whole other issue, but I think it reflected on his performance, like he was being too cautious, or something, at least that was my perception. I mean, whatever the circumstances, you’re already playing the role, then play the goddam role. 

Queenie

*Sigh* I honestly do not understand how they managed to turn a sweet and caring character into this whiny and annoying person, doing things so out of character. The love potion crap. Are you freaking kidding me?! Why was this necessary? Never mind about Jacob’s consent when I can just roofie him, kidnap him and force him to marry me! I’m the victim here, I just want to marry the one I love! Just… whyyyy? Also, she’s a freaking mind reader. How could a mind reader get brainwashed into joining a dark wizard? Because he preaches... free love? Ummm, does he?! Also, why did she freak out on the street? It was never mentioned before that her mind could get overwhelmed in crowds. It would make sense, but it was so out of nowhere it came out weird, and that scene just takes too damn long. Then the movie forgets about her for like twenty minutes to suddenly show her at the French witch’s house, like sure, I’ll go for a cup of tea with a total stranger, why not? Ugh. 

Dumbledore 

Ok, I actually liked Jude Law’s performance. The issue is that he, just like Grindelwald, is barely in the movie. We already knew that their relationship wasn’t going to be explored in this film, but it was still disappointing. We only got a “we were closer than brothers” and some hand-holding seen through the Mirror of Erised, WHICH APPARENTLY CAN NOW SHOW MEMORIES TOO, BUT OKAY. And please explain to me how is a blood pact different from an Unbreakable Vow? I get the aesthetic but surely an Unbreakable Vow is more convenient since it can’t be undone. Dumbledore suggested at the end of the movie that he might be able to destroy the blood pact. Wouldn’t have Grindelwald made sure to not leave anything to chance? Also, when did they make this blood pact, before the duel that killed Ariana? Why were they able to duel then? It can’t have been after, they wouldn’t have been exactly on speaking terms after that. That blood pact storyline took away the complexity of Dumbledore’s motives about not wanting to go after Grindelwald. Why wasn’t it enough that he once loved him and couldn’t bear to confront him after all that happened between them? That was a perfectly good explanation. This whole thing completely downplayed their relationship, like “yeah, now I just need to figure out how to destroy this necklace and I’ll be free to duel and possibly kill him, yay!” *Sighs*

Leta and Yusuf

What was the real purpose for these characters? We were lead to believe that the Lestrange family history was going to have this awesome revelation/plot twist and it ended up going nowhere. Also, the (insufferably long) scene where they finally explain the whole thing was so overcomplicated and confusing AF. For some reason, Leta’s dad (a rapist) sent her and her half-brother to the US, but since the baby wouldn’t shut up Leta switched him with another baby who happened to look exactly like him, and that baby was Creedence. Uh…okay? But then Leta returned to the UK and studied at Hogwarts? Sooo was that meant to be only a cool summer abroad? And how did she know about her half-brother Yusuf? How did they meet? Who made that freaking prophecy? Yusuf made that unbreakable vow with… whom, exactly? Himself? Arrgggg. Yusuf seemed to be an important character, I mean he locks Tina and Newt in a dungeon (they escape immediately but ok), but no. He spends almost the entirety of the movie unconscious only to appear conveniently at the cemetery to reveal he’s Leta’s half-brother. Just. Why ANY OF IT if later on we’d find out Creedence isn't even a Lestrange? GOD. 

So, back to Leta. She switched the babies (in the Titanic?) and also befriended Newt at Hogwarts. What was her relevance in the present? Why wasn’t the whole "ending up marrying his brother" explained? That’s a flashback that would’ve been useful, unlike the other ones. It could’ve added so much more to the relationship between the three of them, specially Theseus and Newt. But it was never mentioned. Also, why was she hated by everyone at school? Were all the Lestrange hated or was it only her? And THEN, FFS what was she even trying to attempt when she approached Grindelwald? Was she like tempted into joining him but regretted her decision last minute and tried to kill him instead? WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ALL ABOUT? I liked the part when she said “I love you” and you’re not quite sure if she meant Newt or his brother. That was interesting. Would’ve been even more interesting had it been developed properly. But the rest of it? What a mess.

Newt, Tina, and Jacob

I actually adore Newt as a character. He’s a refreshing male lead who’s unapologetically himself throughout the story. I read a Vox article that called him amazingly neurodivergent, and in an interview, Redmayne also said he thought of him as having Asperger's. What an extraordinary thing to see in a male lead in a multimillion-dollar franchise! He’s awesome and doesn’t need to change the way he is in order to be cool. And yet in this film, he’s sooo relegated. He could’ve done SO much more, instead, he’s just lost in the sea of subplots with no real purpose. As for Tina, she has absolutely no character development whatsoever and Jacob is just there for comic relief. Also, how did he get his memories back? I’m sorry, but “the potion only took away the bad memories” is lazy writing. They are great characters but did absolutely nothing in this movie. Totally underappreciated. 

Nagini and Creedence

I don’t get why they made such a fuss over this since she has like THREE lines in the entire movie?! Seriously, why was she even there? She brought absolutely NOTHING to the plot. She just stands there next to Creedence when she could’ve been a super badass character. I’m not getting into the whole controversy, but I mean, if it was already happening, she should’ve at least had a kickass introduction. A backstory. ANYTHING. Why is a woman turning into a snake a circus attraction when anyone in this universe can become an animagus with enough practice? She was sooo mistreated here as a character. I get that there’s gonna be three more movies but COME ON, you can’t just make a huge ass preamble to another film without ANY sort of character development. It needs to have a plot of its own too. Like each of the Harry Potter books/movies. GEEZ. Now, Creedence. How did he survive? We saw a little remnant of the obscurus at the end of the first film, but hey, a little more context would’ve been nice. I thought the host and the obscurus were different things. Care to explain?! Also, how did he end up in Europe working at a magic circus? That circus thing could’ve been a very interesting plot but it goes nowhere. Again. And then... the ending. I hope the theory going around that it’s actually Ariana’s obscurus that somehow got attached to him and not actually him that’s a Dumbledore (and that’s what the phoenix was attracted to) is real because otherwise IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE. Kendra Dumbledore died in 1899. Crimes takes place in 1927. That’s 28 years. I HIGHLY doubt Creedence is 28. Why would he still be living at an orphanage at 28 then? Or did Dumbledore’s dad knock someone up in Azkaban? Just. So. Many. Plot. Holes.

Nonsensical stuff

-The lady guarding Leta’s chamber. What. The. Fork?! She lets them through even though she clearly knew Tina wasn’t Leta, and only after they’re already inside she unleashes those weird cat things with Leta being there, the actual owner of the chamber who clearly doesn’t have a problem with the “intruders”. Just… WHY? 

-Jacob being able to go through the statue. Ummmm?! 

-McGonagall. SHE WAS BORN IN 1935! WHAT?!

-Also, I get the whole 1920’s vibe and I mean no disrespect towards Colleen Atwood, because the costumes are actually gorgeous, but like… no robes? NONE? You can’t tell muggles and wizards apart. That was a key aspect of Harry Potter, at least with the older generations, so you’d think in the 1920’s they’d be even more traditional with their wizard clothing. I mean, Lupin wore both suits AND robes. Just saying. 

-Out of hundreds of people at the cemetery, the niffler somehow knew precisely what item to steal and from whom. Ok???? 

-Nicholas Flamel. What was the point of him? All he did was talk with a random woman through a book and then conveniently appear at the end to tell everyone what to do to control the fire. I mean, cool, but care to elaborate?

-And that blue fire eagle thing. It’s a very, very long sequence that could have been way quicker. It was time wasted on CGI, time they could’ve spent more wisely elsewhere. 

-Another thing that has been rubbing me the wrong way is the mention of Creedence’s nanny being half-elf. I know it’s probably stupid for me to be weird about it but listen. This is a universe with house elves and goblins, and that’s totally fine, I like the part they play in the story. But then we also have Professor Flitwick, who’s never mentioned to be either of those things; he’s just little. That’s it. And he’s a total badass. So why did the nanny had to be half-elf? I remember an interview with Peter Dinklage in which he said he didn’t like playing roles that cast little people as magical beings, which is why he loved Tyrion in Game of Thrones. Then why couldn’t the nanny just be a regular witch? Why half-elf? How did that come about? Think about it: a human witch/wizard… with a house elf? Which are, essentially… slaves?! I don’t even want to know. And I’m probably overthinking it, but seriously. It wasn’t a necessary detail to mention. 

The Fanservice 

Ok, I get that they’d include certain Potter related stuff. Nostalgia is fun, right? AS LONG AS IT MAKES SENSE. McGonagall being there makes no sense. RESPECT. CANON. PLEASE. I get retconning stuff like classes taking place on different floors at Hogwarts but dude. This was kind of an important detail. The Philosopher’s Stone casually being shown at Flamel’s house. I mean, fine. But we get it, we know who he is, it’s not like we are idiots who need reminding of this. Also, the music. I adore Hedwig’s Theme, but this is a different story. I get like a few notes here and there, but the WHOLE damn theme during that Hogwarts shot? It actually kind of threw me off a little. I couldn’t pay attention to what was actually happening. 

Conclusion 

Ok. I honestly don’t understand what went wrong. I don’t know if Rowling should just stick to writing novels or if it was the editing, the directing or-or… I just can’t even. JK Rowling is amazing at writing mystery. In all of the Harry Potter books, there were mysteries to be solved: who’s after the Philosopher’s Stone? Who opened the Chamber of Secrets? Why is Sirius Black after Harry? Who put his name in the Goblet of Fire? And so on. And in the first FB movie, the mystery was who was responsible for the attacks, and it made you believe it was Creedence’s little sister. That was still a good plot twist. Please, do tell, what was solved in Crimes? What did they actually accomplish? They spent the whole movie going in circles. Like I said, you can’t just have a huge ass preamble to a different movie. It needs to stand on its own, have its own arc. Otherwise, what’s the point? I genuinely wanted to like this film, but its narrativity makes it impossible to enjoy the actual plot, even with likable characters and appealing visuals.

Listen, I will forever be grateful to JK Rowling for the impact Harry Potter has had in my life. They are to this day my favorite books. I loved the original book for Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, as well as Quidditch Through the Ages and Tales of Beedle the Bard. They added fun details to the main story, a little peek into the Wizarding World. But then the whole expansion happened. And I used to get mildly excited whenever a new story was published on Pottermore. But eventually, I lost interest. And whenever someone said “I wish there was another book” I immediately cringed at the thought. Why ruin something that had ended in such a perfect way? The Harry Potter world ended with the seventh book. And that was ok. You need to let things go. That’s life. But then for money some reason, Cursed Child (aka That Which Must Not Be Named) was allowed to happen. And then, Fantastic Beasts happened, but it was a whole different story with brand new characters within the same universe, actually written by JK Rowling. Well, that actually sounded promising. Because it was a separate thing. A few references here and there. What could go wrong? Right. 

There are millions of reasons why the expansion hasn’t been working, but I think part of the problem came from social media. When we were kids we’d send letters to our favorite authors, but now they are just a tweet away. Which can obviously be wonderful. But you have to know where to stop. And I don’t think JK understands that. And I don’t mean it like she’s not allowed to have her own opinions and versions of certain things that didn’t come up in the books; she created the universe. But altering canon isn’t right. Forcing narratives that don’t make sense with what’s already established is weird. That’s why it’s important to leave things to the imagination/each reader’s interpretation. You want to write a different story within the same universe, that’s amazing, go ahead! As long as it’s properly developed and has its own merits. I genuinely want to like FB. And I did. But I don’t know what went wrong with this one. You’re capable of SO much more, Jo, I know you are. Sorry if I’m being too harsh.