#and it also helps me cope with the death and systemic ableism i see constantly
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tony-andonuts · 11 months ago
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God i love weed and Im so fucking thankful its legal where i live so i can get it cheap
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conflictedrabbit · 7 years ago
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2* the AvPD
Conversation w/ my friend I mentioned earlier. With their name / identifying characteristics edited out and some chopping here and there. 
___: 
I made a post abt avod once tho and it got like A few rbs and I thought "if this isn't irony idk what is" Trje
66ccff: ekjal;kdjd;
___: 
me: why do, so many avoidants want to pay for being alive avpd Tumblr: hm . I relate
66ccff: ekleja;ejdl;k
___: me: I'm glad to know people relate but are we fucking ok
66ccff: 
LOL i mean mood tbh
___: HINESTLT like I noticed i do it cuz of you NFBNSBDKSBDKSS
66ccff: though do you mean pay as in like. pay the medical system or pay as in guilt
___: Guilt
66ccff: 
kejk;ldj;L yes ok that is definitely me me: i breathed 5 gallons of air within 3 hours i am so sorry world
___:
me: [realizes it's not entirely religious trauma and also probably just Guilt over taking up space and needing to help ppl otherwise Why Live?} 
Oh god me
66ccff: (this is not even ironic i get like this multiple times a week)
___: 
hdjhdjsd I've been having a bad ep lately actually and like I think I failed to look 5-6 people in the eyes today CUZ IM JUST [WALKS AROHND] WOW . TERRIBLE
66ccff: 
omg it's ok i nearly cried in class today b/c i didn't have a good eng translation for this jp sentence
i was like.... no.... don't....
i stabilized cuz the teacher went on a tangent for a second but like forcing myself to look in his eyes and act normal was so hard i looked away so many times i wa slike. oog my god. end m i love it when walking around where there's other people makes me really nervous and irritable agoraphobia is great!
___: 
GOD yea It's so awkward for me I'm fine if I have a safe person or I'm walking to class but like
66ccff: i came back from class today and took a 6 hr nap cuz of my shame and agoraphobia
___: 
Rip Wish I could do that...
66ccff: well i haven't done my homework so
___: 
I just. Cry a lot NDKSJDJDNSKDNS rip me: I'm strong Me: spent the last 5 days like crying over nothing
66ccff: 
dkjle;ajd i mean... i used to cry but then i got mad at myself for crying so now i just Repress (tm) and sleep and then. the joke is that sometimes it doesn't work self harms... oops... that didn't work either better nap again
___: 
zz Pillows keep u safe Idk what I've been doing lately but I thought I was getting better til I realized I was like Abstaining from feeding myself BFBJSBFSJJFD
66ccff: o h my god
___: 
And I was like "oh fuck I'm a terrible person bc someone told me I should eat and j Didn't Do It I Failed Them"
66ccff: 
ahahahahaahahaha i thought i was getting better too but it was actually because i was just forcing myself to study to give myself an illusion of doing my part and then i went to school and my actual performance is like bad b/c i avoid so many activities that would make me better and i just
___: samd
66ccff: 
Wow i want to die!
___: 
hdjsjdjs
I think I only managed to eat cuz my brother was expecting me to
66ccff: tavpdfw you want to be punished constantly so you don't have to have anxiety about existing
___: 
Cuz he bought me dinner like 6 hours ago but I didn't touch it til now BFJDJD MEEEEE
66ccff: dkja;eljd;
___: 
GOD me: ah I feel good today Me like 3 hours later: oh my God I shouldn't feel good abt myself that's so Selfish ? I am trash
66ccff: oh Mood
___: Avpd solidarity
66ccff: 
honestly i love my environmental soicology class but liek it talks about how we're all consuming and putting things back into the environment
___: Idk how I manage to have avpd and __pd but that's how it is on ths bitch of an earth
66ccff: and i was literally contemplating if death was the only way to take myself out from the cycle
___: 
Me Bhhjsfjd
66ccff: 
i was like holy shit. it's not just consumption i forgot i also put bad gases into the air with everything i breathe i am Bad
___: 
All day today I was hearing abt what happened in Vegas and we were like. Talking in my apologetics class abt the Nature of Evil
66ccff: the true environmentalist take is death
___: And I was just thinking "why must I, exist if all I am is bad"
66ccff: 
oh my god same! i looked over my abt page and i was like this looks fake tumblerina
___: 
apologetics: so mankind is basically evil Me: great! I'll die so there's less evil in the world
66ccff: 
me ME
MEMEMMEMEMEMMEMEMEMEME
___: HHDHSBDJSHD
66ccff: 
sometimes i have fantasies of like going backwards and apologizing to everyone i've ever talked to and to everyone who ever had to work to produce what i've consumed
___: 
M. E
m
66ccff: 
and then hoping that they forget about me and then like disappearing forever i jsut can't see how some people can be like oh yeah factories in china and mexico earn less than 2 dollars an hour to make our stuff and not jus twant to kill themselves
___: 
I'm just pathetic and compulsive if I feel bad about stuff I apologize til like 2 weeks after God. Yea
66ccff: 
the joke is that people hate if you overapologize so you jsut damned if you do damned if you dont :upside_down:
___:
me: uh sorry for being sad People: don't apologize for that Me: Avpd:.  They are mad that I am apologizing also that I am sad Hhhfjjejd
Me: 
ME WKJD;LKD "can you stop saying sorry" "sorry"
___: 
me: oh God I'm so miserable Someone: oh im sorry Me: I wish I could accept this but Pity is too much for a lowly worm like me
66ccff: "what did i just say"
___: MMSNDNBHHHHHHGGGGG
66ccff: 
:smile: :gun:
MOOD
___: avpd feel when you don't deserve to be pitied ?
66ccff: pity is too much kindness ___: 
God yea
LIKE probably just a conflicted feel but I prefer ppl being active than pitying me but then I'm like
"that's selfish I don't deserve that ?"
66ccff: 
someone tells you to watch where you're going feel like you're unable to go outside for the rest of the day
___: 
m. mebdbdhdhdjs
66ccff: oh yeah the joke is that i want people to like. be kind to me but also i don't
___: hell brain
66ccff: so i can't say what i want
___: GGG YEAH
66ccff: 
be kind to me except don't because i'll feel invalid either way so maybe just don't talk to me >feels worse anyway
___: 
Hhhhhhhhhhh me Me: talk to me ? But I don't know what to talk abt ? But I am also not good enough for pity you could just sit there maybe But then the presence of another person will overwhlem me and I'll go cry again/s
66ccff: feel free to entertain yourself, and forget about me, ___: 
Mebdndmdkskdjsja god [looks at all cluster c disorders] you are all bitches and I hate tou
66ccff: 
tavpdfw u gotta depersonalize to make it through the day of talking to other people and acting like ur a normal human bean MOOD
___: GOD yea
66ccff: 
i have a question though if im depersonalizing why do i still feel terrible even if i feel ilke im fake smh
___: God me
66ccff: 
me: i'm not real so heres me acting like i am chill and cool person that is interesting maybe or maybe not me, inside: this sucks and i hate this but im not real so it shouldnt affect me but damn i hate this when u feel separate from your auto-pilot but you still experience all the shame you would without it :thinking: avpd is stupid and contradictory and evolutionarily useless
___: 
__pd isnkind of the same but like if you manage it well you can get stuff done but you still breakdown over the TINIEST DETAIL I hate it And I waste more time thinking abt what I'm gonna do and not actully DOING MT SHIT
66ccff: cripes
___: LIKE A NORMAL PERSON
66ccff:
me in high school UGH i'm ahving that problem right now dude in high school i used to just waste my days reading manga and thnking i should do my homeworka
___: 
me: I'll spend this hour scheduling [2hours later] Me: [stressed nbdjdjjsjdjsjdks
66ccff: and then i'd like. start at 10pm and fuck myself over ___: rip 66ccff: have a crying session at 4am every time an essay is due the next day ___: I actually didn't do one of my assignments tonight 66ccff: bad coping habits ___: Rip me I got discouraged over something lame JFJSNFKSNFD 66ccff: oh mood
___:
relationship issues: occur Me: well, I can't, do anything ever again
66ccff: 
i shouldn't even be discouraged abt my classes bc i'm here to learn and i'm just like. i know nothing i deserve to die kejd;kakejd friend, disagrees with you on something you feel unsure about: WELL I GUESS I AM BAD AND THEY HATE ME NOW time to ghost them
___: 
me: [perceives someone not caring for me] me: and Now...what is Mine Purpose...what do I live for...my Friends....have all abandoned m MEEEEEE avpd sounds super dramatic when you separate it from yourself but like In the moment I'm always just [jdut starts Fucking Crying
66ccff: 
i just want to manage to some kind of social work, give my wealth to some impoverished family, and then kms before 30
yeah my therapists in the past are like why... so soon
___: Jfjdjfjdf 66ccff: and i'm just like "why not i need to minimize all my ills on the world and also on the emotions of my family" ___: That reminds me of like. One of my mutuals talking abt how early he sleeps and he was just 66ccff: this is the optimal time look my life plan
___: 
"why be awake longer than necessary"
Hdhdhfjsjfdjdjdband. I was just . Me
66ccff:
because you hate yourself too much sleep :^)
___: 
God yea That's true. Me rn
I should've been asleep like an hour ago but [plays secret of Mana and then mopes]
66ccff:
dude i used to have bouts of insomnia b4 i got drugs that knock me out (and help me w/ anxiety) like.... i would lay awake and every second of being awake was just making the situation worse
___: I feel like I should get meds to balance out my bipolar eps but
66ccff: but then i couldn't sleep anyway so it was a damned situation ___: my parents r so anti meds 66ccff: rrghbh
___: 
also like Internalized ableism That I don't Needthem and So Many people don't need them
66ccff: oh yeah, why do my essay when i can read an hour of garbage romo manga and feel slightly less bad during that time and then hate myself more
___: 
So I Can do it cuz I'm like Everyone Else and not like Those "crazy" people Rifp
66ccff: 
man i don't wanna encourage meds if your side effects r bad but honestly how did i get the fuck through high school other than triggering intense anxiety about all assignments
like... i was so nonfunctional i shouldn't have even been in school
.....
66ccff: 
all accessibility problems are solvable humans are so bad
___: caring ? About others ? What a concept 66ccff: except sometimes they are good but that is definitely not me
___: 
Me
Ok I try to overcompensate w good to make up for inherent badness THANKS RELIGION
66ccff: 
the US is like: here's a pricetag for your life pay up
___: AAAA
66ccff: 
yeah i can see how christainity wouldn't help there w/ the "original sin" and stuff that doesn't quite exist in other abrahamic religions iirc judaism doesn't even have hell
___:  it's really weird
66ccff: 
i'm guessing its bc of jesus like.... y'all binches killed him so now this is life - christainity
___: 
Like. Christianity makes the most sense to me probably cuz I grew up w it but fuck Man
66ccff:  o yeah i grew up w/ some christianity too ___: It's FUCKED!!!!!! 66ccff:  i actually have agoraphobia issues w/ going inside of churches ___: Oh same 66ccff:  :^) ___: I'm actually fairly anti-church just because the current state of them is very bsd 66ccff:  oh yeah
....
66ccff: 
how can someone like me, who is literally not deserving of life, raise someone else
scrumbles
___:
Me Hdjehdsk
66ccff:  ___ we are so fucked ___: 
It's true Life is fucked We, are fucked
66ccff: existence is violence
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