#and is it actually about ookami or do I have to pretend to care about other characters?

[dash-n-step]

me and who?

[recurring-polynya]

For the AU drabbles, can you do Renji ending up in Spirit Society and meeting Tengu!Rukia and Tengu!Byakuya?

I described the bones of this AU in this art post (you should probably read it first).

Given that I did all that work up front, instead of writing something that makes sense, I am going to be very self-indulgent and write this out-of-context Feels Fiesta where Tengu!Rukia doesn’t want Regular!Renji to go home.

Read on ao3 (features the pictures from the first post) or ff.net

🐦     ✨     💔

Rukia staggered over to the library table, carrying far too many rolled-up maps. She attempted to tip the first one gently onto the table, but instead, half a dozen rolled out of her arms. “Watch out!” she yelped helplessly.

The Shinigami Abarai Renji had exceptional reflexes, though, and he deftly scooped his ink stone out of danger as a map rolled past the spot where it had sat just a moment before.

“Sorry,” Rukia apologized, her feathers wilting. She wanted so badly to be a help for once, and instead, she couldn’t seem to stop embarrassing herself.

Renji flashed her one of his brilliant smiles. She wondered if all shinigami smiled so freely. It seemed a strange quality for a god of death to possess, but very little about Renji comported with her conception of what death gods should be like. The Shinigami Kurosaki Ichigo smiled often as well. Rukia had assumed that might be due to his human half, but perhaps ushering souls to the afterlife was not such a grim occupation as one might expect.

“Don’t worry,” Renji reassured her, the corners of his warm brown eyes crinkling. “I am a champion ink-spiller, so I’m pretty good at avoiding it. Thanks for digging these out for me. Were you able to find any that show the old kitsune trade route you mentioned?”

“I’ll have to check,” Rukia sighed. “I’m afraid they weren’t very well organized. My brother’s servant, Wakame Ambassador--”

Renji made a face like he was trying very hard not to laugh.

“You must not make fun of Wakame Ambassador!” Rukia warned in a hushed voice. “He is just a magical construct, but he does have feelings!” She frowned at the maps. “It’s not his fault Brother didn’t put a whole lot of brains in him.”

“I would never,” Renji reassured her gently, “make fun of Wakame Ambassador.” He fiddled with his brush. “He just… reminds me of something from back home.”

Rukia knew she should get to work looking for the map he wanted, but she couldn’t help herself. She was so curious about his Soul Society, and he was so close-mouthed about it. “Do you miss it?”

“Hmm?”

“Soul Society,” she said, rolling the word around in her mouth. “Do you miss it?”

“Oh,” Renji replied. “A little. I haven’t really been gone that long, and I do want to help you folks out. I am starting to get these little pangs, though.” He chuckled. “Wouldn’t’ve expected to get one over Wakame Ambassador.”

“They must miss you,” Rukia pressed. “You’re a very important person, there, right?”

Renji let out a sharp guffaw. “I wouldn’t say that.”

Rukia’s brows furrowed. “But you said the captain you serve is a powerful clan head and a great warrior! Aren’t you the leader of his armies?”

Renji rubbed the back of his neck and laughed. “I guess you could say I have an important job, that’s true. It’s not quite the same as being an important person.”

It made no sense, in Rukia’s opinion. She had never seen swordwork to match his, and then he knew shinigami magic as well. He spoke so knowledgeably of strategy and tactics, he must be a scholar of warfare. Yet, he interacted so easily with the tengu troops. He was a natural leader in the way she wasn’t. Not that Brother would ever let her lead troops into battle in any case. “You know,” she started slowly. “Brother is very impressed with you.”

Renji raised one skeptical eyebrow.

“He is!” Rukia insisted. “And… if you are not appreciated in your homeland, I think that Brother would be most happy to have you stay! He would make you his war leader, I am sure of it!”

A very strange look came over Renji’s face. Rukia found herself talking faster and faster, as if her words could outpace his doubts.

“Demons notwithstanding, the Spirit Society is a wonderful place to live, and the tengu are the best of its tribes. I know you would feel self-conscious to not have a set of handsome wings or magnificent horns, but you have such interesting barring on your skin and your plumage is a lovely color. You would be very popular nonetheless!”

“Plumage?” Renji echoed blankly, his hand going to his hair.

“The costumes you and Kurosaki Ichigo fashioned were very clever. They would not fool another tengu, of course, but…” Rukia trailed off, unable to put into words the way her heart had sped up when she had seen him wearing the dark pinions and red-tipped horns of a tengu warrior. Of course, if he had been born a tengu, she was sure he would not have such common coloring. She could imagine him with a fine set of double wings, like her brother’s, blood red, tipped in black, and with great curling horns, like the woodcuts of the mighty warriors in her history books. “Or maybe there’s a spell that could grow you wings!” she realized suddenly. “I am very good at magic, you know, I could look through my spellbooks.”

Suddenly, his big, warm hand with its funny, blunt fingernails encased her own. “Rukia,” he cut her off. “Thank you. That’s a very generous offer, and believe me, I’m flattered.”

Rukia looked into his face. With its sharp nose and narrow, beady eyes, it was so clear that he belonged among her beautiful bird tribe, not a bunch of boring, ugly ghosts. It was unfair. “But?”

He shrugged. “But I gotta go home.”

There was a long silence. “Why?”

“Well, I got my friends, my squad, my captain. People who depend on me.”

“People who care for you?”

“Er, right.”

He hesitated. If he hadn’t hesitated, Rukia would have held her tongue. But it seemed, in that hesitation, there was a chance, and she felt like she had to take it. “There… there could be people here who would care for you, given time. Maybe there are already.” She took a deep breath. “I would like you to stay.”

A deeply pained look came over his face.

Rukia’s gut plummeted. It had been a mistake. “I’m sorry,” she stammered. “I should not have said anything.”

Renji’s face hardened. “Don’t say that. Please don’t say that.” He squeezed his eyes closed for a moment and his hand tightened on hers so hard it hurt a little. “It’s not easy to put yourself out there, but you’ve always been braver than me.”

Rukia frowned. What could he possibly mean by that?

“It’s really hard for me to say this. You have no idea how hard. I like you, too, you know. I like you so much. But there’s… my heart’s already spoken for, Rukia. It has been for a long time. She’s… she’s a lot like you. Tough and clever and beautiful and the best friend you can imagine. And that’s part of why it could never be fair to you if I… if you and I...”

Of course. Of course he already had someone, how could she have been so foolish? But why hadn’t he mentioned this before? And why did his voice crack so when he spoke of her? “She does not return your love,” Rukia realized, the words escaping her mouth before she could catch them.

Rukia expected Renji’s face to look even more pained, but instead, his brow softened and his mouth curved into a fond smile. “I dunno, actually. It’s… it’s never been the right time or the right place. We’ve been through a lot together, though, her and me, and I know that she’d miss me if I didn’t come back.” He snorted ruefully. “I’d give every kan I got to hear Ichigo try to explain to her why I didn’t, though.”

Suddenly, a number of things he had said clicked together in her head. And it had not been wishful thinking, she realized. His smile truly was brighter for her, his gaze softer.

“It’s the other me, isn’t it?” she said softly.

Renji’s face stiffened, and then he sighed. “Of course it is. I can’t manage to keep stuff from you in any world, it seems.”

“I met her once, you know,” Rukia noted coolly, despite the turmoil in her chest. “The last time Kurosaki Ichigo was here.” She paused. “She did not seem a fool.”

Renji laughed, and patted her hand boisterously. The tension between them released like steam from a kettle. “Believe me, she’d have to be, to put up with me after all the grief I give her.”

Rukia regarded him under lidded eyes as she reached for one of the maps. “You already told me that she resembles me. Do not pretend she does not pay you back four-fold.

Renji regarded her right back. “I won’t.”

Rukia’s heart felt tender and achy, but warm, as well. The other Rukia must love him back, she was sure of it, even if she couldn’t say so. The alternative was too sad to bear. “I wonder,” she sighed, “why there is no version of you in this world.”

“Oh, that’s easy,” Renji replied. “There probably is. He’s just not a tengu. You folks are way too elegant and clean-cut for the likes of me. It’s an honest miracle I ever met my Rukia in the first place.”

Rukia gaped. “Surely not! You are a noble warrior! Strong and handsome and polite!”

Renji gave out a bark of laughter. “That’s only because I’ve spent a long time trying to get this way. You got any nue in Spirit Society? Or ookami?” He thought for a moment. “I’m not sure I’m even classy enough to be a wolf spirit. Inugami?”

“We have all of those,” Rukia replied, bristling. But the dog demons are not to be trusted! Brother says they are barely better than the kitsune!”

“Mmm,” Renji replied with a shrug. “Right. Well. Like I said. Never the right time. Never the right place.” He turned back to the war record he’d been looking through.

Rukia’s face fell. She felt like she had failed him, somehow. Was it something about her brother? He could be a bit… insular to be sure, but the inugami were the very worst of the… dog... Rukia blinked and she traced a finger over the map in front of her. “The inugami are not the only dog tribe. Here, on the other side of the mountain. It’s hainu territory, which is why Brother doesn’t want to travel through it, but it has to be safer than that old kitsune trail. The hainu are an honorable people, if a bit unsophisticated, and they, too, would be affected if the demons were to swarm the valley. If they allied with us, I am sure we could fight off Grimmjow’s forces! You are a genius, Abarai Renji!”

“Me? What did I--?”

Rukia jumped to her feet. “Come. Brother won’t like it, but I am sure he will listen to you!”

“Why would you think that?!” Renji yelped as she hauled him from the library. Suddenly his eyebrows drew together. “Wait, this actually isn’t a bad idea. Do you think it would work? Have you ever actually met a hainu?”

“Well, no,” Rukia admitted. “But at least they have wings, how bad could they be?”

🐕     🤝    🐦

A/N: Okay, I know you asked for Byakuya, who… did not appear in the previous scene. So here’s Byakuya omake. A Byak-omake, if you will.

“What do you mean, the other me does not adorn himself with beautiful feathers?”

“Well, you’ve got a whole bird motif goin’ on, he’s not much of a bird guy. I mean, he likes birds. I guess. He just doesn’t dress like one.”

“How does he accessorize, then? Does he have a lush cloak of fine velvet?”

“Er… he’s got a haori?”

“Ah! Is it richly embroidered?”

“It’s got a six on the back.”

“A six.”

“Yeah, like the number six.”

“...”

“He said he’s thinking of adding some tassels? Gold tassels?”

“Gold tassels are good. How many?”

“He wasn’t specific at the time, but I’m guessing… two?”

“...Two?”

“Isn’t two enough? It’s two more than anyone else has.”

“...Two?!”

“...”

“Wakame Ambassador! Fetch my traveling cape and headdress! I must travel to the Soul Society to teach my other self how to dress properly!”

[flipflap-flipflap]

[Alright take-two on this damn post.  First one got eaten by post editor right as I was ready to post.  You see how long this is?  Save to drafts, kids.]

I’m here to shove a manga on you: Ookami Shounen Wa Kyou Mo Uso O Kasaneru (The Boy Who Cried Wolf Also Told a Lie Today).  It’s a gender bending romance.  Despite how awful that probably sounds, it’s actually really fucking good and I do not say that lightly. 

(No spoilers, this is all in the first chapter)  A high school boy insecure about his intimidating face, Itsuki, has fallen for a shy loner girl, Tokujira, who does not seem specifically phased by his naturally scary face.  So he takes a risk and confesses, but she turns him down brutally.  Itsuki goes to his sister to lament his insecurities about his face, which he (more or less correctly) attributes as why he can’t make connections.  To give him a new perspective on his appearance, his sister (trans btw) gives him a makeover while he’s sleeping and then kicks him to the curb of her salon - fully crossdressed.  On his way home, Itsuki (♀) ends up bumping into Tokujira, and she mistakes him for a boyish girl.  Under this misunderstanding, she asks "her” for a favor...

She has androphobia, and she has it bad.  So much so she can’t even look at men without snapping violently or becoming physically ill.  And Itsuki (♀) is just boyish enough to trigger her, but not enough to lock her down.  So she asks for “her” help, to see if she can desensitize herself to her phobia. Itsuki’s in a bind for a couple obvious reasons, not the least being the guilt of deceiving Tokujira. But nonetheless, he genuinely wants to help her.  So, he decides to continue crossdressing, diving into a lie that he soon finds he has no easy exit from.

I really recommend this manga.  I cannot say that enough times.  It is phenomenal, shattering tropes left and right in fun and interesting ways.  Do yourself a favor and give this manga a try.

Personal feelings and meta analysis below the cut.  It’s, uh, ungodly long, and will get very spoilery.  But I will flag spoilers.  And there will be pretty pictures?

(Also, no, I did not go into this planning to compare a manga about crossdressing to the abolitionist writings of Frederick Douglass, but reality deserves to be a bit absurd sometimes.)

Before you think I’m getting spoilery, with the intro I gave or anything I don’t mark as spoilers, I’m really not.  Everything outside of spoilers is right on the package at the start.  It sounds like I’m spoiling late-game stuff, right?  That’s something that was really fantastic to me: this manga doesn’t spoon feed you.  There’s no arcs of pure silent angst, even at the lowest point in the story. These kids are smart, they think and intuit on the spot, and they share what they’re feeling with each other like good friends do.  Like that next panel down there with Itsuki introspecting about his confidence level while crossdressing?  That’s from the first chapter!  These kids are smart.  And god damn that is so nice to see.

There was a lot I liked about this manga, but at the top is how compelling the protagonist and his internal conflict are.  Right from the first chapter he’s already wracked with guilt about what he’s about to do: deceive this girl by pretending to be a safe space.  But Tokujira told Itsuki (♀) she hopes to one day be able to fall in love, and Itsuki wants to ensure she can have that - even if it’s not him that gets to confess to her.  He’s fully aware of exactly how fucked up what he’s doing is, and is appropriately beating himself up over it in a really realistic way.  But although the guilt never fades, it slowly gains company in happiness. He enjoys this new, fragile life he has constructed around the two precious new friends he's made as a girl.

It was probably easy to gloss over in the synopsis, but arguably the biggest part of Itsuki (♂)’s conflict is his complex about his face.  He looks dangerous, and because of that he is afraid to even lift his head or smile in front of others.  But as Itsuki (♀), he smiles and laughs without fear.  It becomes immediately clear to him on the first day that he's a more confident person while crossdressing.  Happier in a way he can't be as a man.

Botan is easily my favorite character in the series.  She’s introduced early on, as Tokujira’s first and only friend before Itsuki (♀).  At the start she’s a dangerous third wheel, a serious threat to Itsuki’s ability to keep up his lie.  And though the situation is (thankfully) defused rather quickly, she becomes a massive source of internal conflict for Itsuki. Nonetheless, she becomes a dear friend for both Itsuki ♂ and ♀. She’s just so...*chef’s kiss*

^This face is the repository of all my love and affection.

Mark my words, this is the first and I assume last time I will ever say this: love triangle good. You know it’s inevitable in a romance genre piece, but this manga approaches the trope in a new and compelling way. [Spoiler] Needless to say, it’s between Itsuki, Tokujira, and Botan.  But...there’s two Itsukis involved, ♂ and ♀, and in the center of it all is this lie. His lie stops being about him: it's about not hurting these two girls he cares so much about. [/Spoiler]

On a more personal note, I saw so much of myself in Itsuki’s older sister, Ibuki.  She runs a salon, catering especially to crossdressers and transwomen.  She’s a self-described “Youthling”, an alien from the planet Youth, obsessed with observing the exciting and turbulent lives of the youths of earth.  For more or less for the same reasons most of us do: transpeople don’t tend to get the youths we want, if we allow ourselves to experience youth at all. So it’s nice to be able to enjoy it vicariously, through this younger generation that is able to more fearlessly pursue the lives we couldn't. 

^Incidentally, one of my favorite interactions in the manga.

Despite getting Itsuki into this crossdressing mess, she’s someone he can always return to and confide in, and get good, helpful advice from.  Her whole philosophy is to give young people agency to explore their identities and find themselves, and though she tells Itsuki the road he's taking is dangerous as soon as she learns what he's doing, she'll always support him however she can.

That, I feel, is what separates her from other, more creepy/pedophilic enabler types, like Sawako from K-On! or Lucoa from Dragon Maid. It’s a refreshingly honest and respectful portrayal of a quirky adult just trying to be a good older sister.

The last thing I want to say, and I’m not going to even mark this as a spoiler because of course it’s going to happen and if you can’t predict that then you’re not my problem, is that Itsuki of course eventually has to drop his lie.  All I’ll say about it is that it is probably going to live in my head for years. Everything about it, the lead up, the execution, the fallout, and the recovery, are all so masterfully crafted for maximum emotional impact.

That’s all I want to say exclusively about my personal feelings.  On to analysis.  There will be a lot more contextual spoilers here that, even without reading the parts I’ve specially blocked off will probably leak through.  Read at your own risk, but I would recommend revisiting after you have finished the manga.

One thing I really want to talk about is language.  That’s right, I’m going to compare a crossdressing manga to The Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, the autobiography of a freed slave turned abolitionist. Douglass talks about a concept that has remained imprinted on my mind ever since I first read it: how and why slaves struggled to comprehend the concept of freedom.  This wasn’t anything to do with fear or “racial inferiority” like pro-slavers would argue, but rather with a lack of vocabulary.  They have all of these feelings and things they know to be true, but lack the words to make meaningful sense of them.  For Douglass specifically, his life completely changed when he learned the word “abolition.”  It was like a floodgate burst, as he was suddenly able to put meaning to feeling, create context from chaos.

And that’s right, we see that happen in a big way, with Tokujira.  This should be an obvious development, but as it happens late in the manga I will mark it [Spoiler].  As Tokujira and Itsuki (♀) practice things like talking, eye contact, holding hands, etc., Tokujira naturally starts to fall for Itsuki (♀).  But she doesn’t understand that.  An important part of her character is that, growing up, she focused on expanding her vocabulary as much as humanly possible in the hopes of being able to better articulate herself.  So words are very important to her.  It’s not until she sees a work of lesbian fiction on display that she finally realizes that’s the word she’s looking for.  The floodgate bursts, and all of her emotions suddenly make sense.  She realizes she loves Itsuki (♀). [/Spoiler]

And I think that is a vital and underexplored concept when discussing LGBT youth, especially in countries where even knowledge of these concepts is taboo.  The reason so many LGBT youth struggle with their identities, especially trans youth, is because we do not have the vocabulary to conceptualize our feelings.  I am always excited to see this concept play out, especially in this context.  It’s such an important thing that needs to be addressed more broadly.

Moving on, I want to talk about historical context of the genre as it relates to what the author did here.  Notably, I want to talk about a specific trope rampant in Japanese queer fiction, specifically early lesbian fiction: the idea that queerdom is a meaningless, youthful phase that children will naturally and inevitably grow out of.  It’s problematic for obvious reasons.

[HELLA HELLA SPOILERS]  My kneejerk reaction to the ending of this manga was that the author fell into this trope.  In the end, Itsuki comes to the conclusion that he does not need to crossdress.  So again, kneejerk.  But...it really wasn’t like that.  He never had any dysphoria; crossdressing was always just a necessity of his circumstance.  Nonetheless he learned to analyze and value his experience crossdressing as a woman, and because of that grew as a man.  And as part of his journey to understand his identity we, through him, see why some people crossdress.  Along with his example, we see why his sister, a bona fide post-op transsexual, has made it a permanent change to her life.  Likewise, we see Miyama, who crossdresses purely for the gender euphoria, but has no (stated) interest in going all the way.  These are all presented as valid and meaningful. [/Spoiler]

Crossdressing, and gender nonconformity in general, is portrayed not as some one-dimensional fetish like cultural taboo would depict it to be, but rather a meaningful exercise for exploring and critically analyzing your own identity.  For some, yes, it’s a phase, but an importantly transformative one when done right.  While for others, it is a gateway to a new way of experiencing and enjoying life.  Or, it’s fun just for the pragmatic reasons...

I honestly cannot recommend this manga enough.  Tragically, I cannot imagine it ever getting an official english translation, so you’ll have to settle for a  scanlation like the one I linked in the title up top (and here, again).  It’s a really good translation, though the site is predictably sketchy.  Warning for lots of NSFW ads.

Read it, and then come talk to me about it!!!  There is basically zero fan community and I need to fangirl with someone!

[aggressivehasana]

Starry Night

Fandom: Aggretsuko/Aggressive Retsuko

Characters: Haida, Retsuko, Fenneko, Ookami, Tsunoda, Ton, Resasuke

Relationship: Haida/Ookami

Summary: AU where Retsuko didn’t break up with Resasuke and Haida is dealing with that.

Warnings: None for now

- - -

CHAPTER 02

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Words: 1,601

Betaed by: @pomp-adourable

A/N: —

Between the numbers and the rich selection of songs from his favorite bands playing in his head, he quickly became oblivious to everything around him. Until after a good hour or so, a loud, high-pitched voice crashed through the heavenly bubble he had created for himself.

“Director Ton!”

It wasn’t necessary to even turn to know who that was, and he felt his insides twist. He didn’t used to mind her that much back in the day; he didn’t like her, but he didn’t dislike her nearly as much as Fenneko did. But now? Hate was quite a strong word that he didn’t like using lightly, but if he had to describe his feelings for her, that would be the closest to it. After all, she manipulated Retsuko and Fenneko into going to that stupid party.

It was all her fault.

Except…

No. He knew that wasn’t true. Despite how badly he wanted to blame her, he had gone through this in his head over and over and over again for the past six months. He had no one else to blame but himself. He delayed too much.

“Ah, Tsunoda!” Ton’s loud delighted voice filled the air as well, and he knew he’d now have a hard time focusing back on his music.

“I started the papers you asked me for, but I couldn’t finish them!” There she was, making up poor excuses again with that disgustingly fake tone of remorse in her voice. He peeked over his shoulder and watched her tiptoe to leave a pile of binders and papers on top of Ton’s desk, “And I really gotta leave soon! You think you could get them done for me?”

“Sure, sure! Leave it to me, I’ll make sure they’re finished by the end of the day” was Ton’s reply, and he couldn’t help wrinkling his nose as he knew what that meant.

“Thank you so much, Director Ton! Then I’ll be leaving now!” Tsunoda chanted while doing some of her signature bouncing.

“Be careful!” Ton advised, and after replying with an enthusiastic “Yes!” she made her way out of the room.  Haida followed her with his eyes from the moment she started walking to the moment she disappeared around the corner, and either she didn’t notice or she simply ignored him. Wouldn’t be the first time. She also completely ignored his presence when she approached Retsuko to invite her to the mixer, only greeting Fenneko then.

“Hey, Short-Timer!” Ton’s loud growling pulled him out of his thoughts and he returned his attention to the scene around him.

“Yes!” Retsuko replied with a yelp, her ears and outstretched arm popping up from over the top of his computer, meaning that she rose to her feet super fast. She was startled. Her mind might’ve been elsewhere…

“Come here!”

As Retsuko made her way to Ton’s desk, Haida returned his eyes to his computer and pretended to be working, though he kept his full attention on them.

“I need you to finish this paperwork by the end of the day,” he heard Ton say.

“Wh-? B-But… all this?”  It seemed like Retsuko was trying to choose her words carefully.

“Yes.”

“But it’s a lot, and I’ve got plans for tonight...”

“Then work fast!”

He sighed softly and peeked over his shoulder again. Retsuko seemed paralyzed; it took her a couple of seconds to finally reach out for the pile and return to her desk, walking fast with a dull expression on her face. She dropped the pile next to her computer, but she didn’t sit down. Instead, keeping the rapid pace, she made her way out of the Accounting Department.

‘Going for a drink, maybe…’ he thought. He hoped. Somehow he remembered when Fenneko suggested that the abuse of power would one day drive her to jump off the roof, and suddenly he felt alarmed, just like he did back on that day. Should he go after her?

…No. That wasn’t his place anymore. Actually, it never was. And besides, she wouldn’t do something so stupid, having something to look forward to that day. Maybe if she did hurry, she would make it in time to have her romantic dinner with her stupid little cute and perfect plant-loving boyfriend. If anything, she was probably making her way to the Sales Department right in that moment, so he had no business running after her. Better focus on his own work, if he wanted to get home early and run his hands all over his sweet baby bass. He was really looking forward to that.

…

And yet…

At 6:47 he was still in the office. He had finished his work more than an hour ago, and for the rest of the time he just checked the statistics over and over again to seem busy, at least until Director Ton left the office at 5:55. One by one the rest of their coworkers started to leave. Even Fenneko stood up at 6:08, and with a soft “Good luck, Retsuko” she left as well. By 6:47 it was just him and Retsuko, and the only sound that could be heard was Retsuko’s fast typing on her keyboard. He, on the other hand, was frozen in his place, leaning back on his chair with his arms crossed over his stomach and his legs stretching far under his desk. What was he still doing there?

He listened in silence to Retsuko’s typing for a couple more minutes, and when he raised his eyes to the clock, the seconds gave three more ticks before the time marked 6:49. He sighed. He knew what he was still doing there.

He leaned to the side enough so that his computer wouldn’t be blocking his view anymore, and there she was, her little white eyebrows knitted together in a frown while her eyes were set on her computer as if nothing else mattered. Only 50 minutes after work was over, and she already looked exhausted.

“Retsuko,” he called her gently, but loud enough to make sure she’d hear him. And she sure did. She jumped so high on her chair he actually felt guilty.

“Haida!” she replied looking at him and taking a hand to her chest, “You scared me, I thought I was alone.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to,” he said chuckling nervously, leaning up on his seat to stand up and walk around the line of tables towards her.

“What are you still doing here?” she asked following him with her gaze until he stood next to her.

“Well…” he paused, resting a hand over her desk. He looked down at the slowly decreasing pile of papers she had next to her laptop. He couldn’t come up with anything. “How about you? How’s work coming along?” he asked, moving his eyes to her.

Her first reply was a forced smile and a weak chuckle.

“Making my way through it as fast as I can!” she attempted to sound enthusiastic, but even if her nature was always to pretend everything was fine, he was slowly getting better at seeing through that mask. It was so obvious. The pile was hardly a third shorter than before.

“I’ll finish it for you.”

Retsuko opened her eyes widely.

“Eh?” she asked, as if she hadn’t heard properly.

“I’ll finish it for you,” he repeated himself, “You have other places to be right now. Don’t you have a special dinner tonight?”

Retsuko stared at him for a few long seconds, and though he tried his best to remain cool on the outside, warmth started crawling up his neck to his cheeks. For a moment she seemed stunned, like she had seen the light at the end of the tunnel, but just before she pressed her little eyebrows together again in a delicate concerned frown.

“But Haida…” she started saying but he immediately interrupted her, lifting a hand and shaking his head.

“It’s ok, I don’t have plans for tonight anyway,” he offered her a genuine smile. “You, on the other hand, should get going now or you’ll be late.”

Now she was the one with the bright blush on her cheeks. Even while standing up she never took her eyes off him, and he wanted, oh how he wanted to reach out and take her face in his hands, leaning down to give her a soft kiss on the lips.

“Th-thank you so much, Haida!” she said with a squeaky voice while bowing deeply, “I’ll repay you somehow, I promise!”

“You don’t gotta repay me anything. Now go. He’s waiting for you.”

“Yes!” she said excitedly while starting to walk backwards. Seemed like the Retsuko from the Dining Area was back. “Thank you, Haida! You know I usually wou-“ she got interrupted when she almost tripped with Fenneko’s chair, but she regained her posture quickly and rounded it, making sure she wouldn’t trip on anything else before continuing her reverse walking, “You know I usually wouldn’t allow something like this, but… I-I’ll repay you! I promise!”

Haida chuckled. She was practically already turning around the corner but she kept talking, and the further she was the louder she got, and it was adorable.

“Retsuko! It’s fine! Just go!” he laughed, and she laughed as well.

“Yes, sorry!” she said starting to turn away, but stopped herself before her body completely disappeared behind the wall, leaning back to look at him one last time. “See you tomorrow, Haida! Thank you!”

And with that, she disappeared completely, this time for good.

“See you tomorrow…” he still replied quietly, in the silence of the empty Accounting Department.

[chaorelance]

‘hey chaore why did you tell that one’

Look, I just wanted that part out of the way.

So anyway, Drama.

Like I said, 90% of the BTG group were young teenagers and while I did not get to experience REAL HIGHSCHOOL DRAMA, Holy SHIT did I get to experience hell of a lot of internet drama.

Geintz was not the only pariah.

Like, look. I mentioned I was kind of a shy person with no self-confidence. I still kind of am, I’m not good at starting conversations, and like fuck I can approach people, which is why I will almost certainly die never scoring, and for the most part am pretty alright with that.

But like when I was younger, I was the most agreeable, kind human being possible. I had a spark in my eye, a smile on my face, and that is why I got in ALL these situations I have mentioned.

There was a person who eventually broke that, and no, despite what I have to say about Beamed, it was not him.

Their name was Sakura Ookami, and apropos of nothing the fuck else, They were the person who got me to eventually stop being nice.

For the most part, they clung themselves to a few people. The obvious suspect was a miss Resaiyu MontClaire, who for sake of clarity, was also the girl I mentioned when I discussed Jin. There is a lot to go on there, but it is generally to be assumed that Resaiyu lived the fucking Harem life, because EVERYONE wanted a piece of her. Especially the girls.

The other, is a person who’s name I can not remember for the life of me, which is incredibly mean of me but the truth. We’re gonna call them Msnake, because I’m pretty sure they were either 2 people or one person, and one started with M and the other hand snake in there.

And look let’s cover them too because this is the drama post. Derail time.

Like, I said Resaiyu basically lived the Harem life, though a HEALTHY amount of separation of RP character and actual person can be applied to that. It is generally a fucking case that everyone loved them, even if not romantically.

Msnake made it clear there was NO separation. She wanted it bad and was very forward about it, which is partially why she never liked me. I don’t know why of all people I was competition, but I was apparently. She was extremely clingy to Ookami and Resaiyu (who were the only other girls) and I don’t know if she cared about anyone else particularly, besides hating me, because I was close to them.

Suffice to say, I don’t recall liking her, but I think she’s second on list of people I’d like to apologize to because to be honest, I don’t know her deal.

I really don’t.

But I mentioned I didn’t know if she was two people or not. M, for the most part, is who I talked about already.

‘Snake’ was her brother. Snake actually ran games, did things. Like I’ve said, I have no clue to this day if he was real but he was around a lot less. He was also unsurprisingly fond of Resaiyu, babied his sister constantly, and like as far as we know only existed to help set his sister up.

But that’s unfair, because we have zero real proof on them or whatever and my memories are obviously biased. I liked Snake a lot more, if I remember, though. I had a fun game or two with them honestly, they did like...a thing with that one anime with the dude who punches balls. Synced or something. I’ll remember the name later.

But really, She only clung to Resaiyu DEFENSIVELY and that drove everyone insane even if they weren’t a part of her unofficial harem. Eventually, everyone started calling them out...and... that’s kind of when we learned that she had legitimate problems, I guess. Snake, real or fictional, told us about how his sister had apparently bashed her head into a fence or something and developed Borderline Personality Disorder. Which was why she was so clingy and had so many issues and like.

As jackass kids? We... ignored that. Christ. We just hated them so much and were so CONSUMED with the idea people were lying, they were lying- they weren’t even two people, that we bought nothing. I was IN on that, too.

She stopped coming around eventually, too. I don’t know what happened to her, but honestly I wish I could find her and apologize, like with Jin.

Those days are gone though. I’m not going to get that chance, and even if I did I don’t think they’d even remember me. -I- barely remember who I was then, or what happened.

But back to Ookami.

Like I said, they clung to me, Resaiyu, and Msnake constantly. Because we were their friend, because... mostly, we were the most open and accepting.

Because Msnake kinda just wanted any Girl, and Resaiyu and I were absolute fucking doormats of people who were overwhelmingly kind and docile.

So in short, we were really easy to take advantage of.

....Look, there’s a lot of muddy things about Ookami, if it isn’t clear, I don’t try and pretend I know all sides of things.

I don’t know why Ookami pretended to be a girl, and then admitted they were ‘Will’, behind everything. I don’t know if that was just a sign of attention seeking I overlooked, or them experimenting and then feeling forced to ‘confess’ to their closest friends because everyone else is telling them they’re a liar, and has been for ages. i don’t know what really happened.

I don’t know if they clung to us so closely BECAUSE we believed in them, trusted them. I don’t know if it wasn’t just Young Chaore being a good honest person, that I will never be again.

I don’t know if they really tried to kill themselves, and their mother came online for some reason, or if it was just another fucking lie. I don’t fucking know if we really did drive them to depression, and I don’t know what the fuck happened to them.

I really, honestly, don’t know if everyone else was right about them.

But, if I said what I thought.

They just fucking wanted the world to fucking revolve around them at all fucking times, and we were the only ones playing along, and that angers me in hindsight.

If Ookami was really a girl, I don’t think they would’ve fucking created their own server, ELABORATELY roleplayed the reveal of ‘Will’ and have them destroy themselves or whatever.

I don’t think anyone’s mother would’ve fucking known about Byond, or how important we were to them to GET ONLINE THE RIGHT SERVER to talk to people.

I don’t think a friend would’ve reacted to me saying ‘No, I don’t want to go that direction with my game. We’re not doing that.’ by cutting ties with me, because I wouldn’t do what they want.

I don’t think Ookami was my friend, I think they were a manipulative piece of shit, and I KNOW that’s why I eventually stopped saying yes.

I know that’s why i’m not a pure ball of sun and happiness, That’s why I get fucking angry and tell people off when they’re being shits.

If Ookami taught me anything, it was how to stand up for myself.

And god fucking knows, I don’t regret that listen.

Ookami, for the most part, is not on my fucking apology list.

I wish them fucking well for sure, as I don’t know their situation, but quietly fuck off out of my life.

And I’ll drink to that one.