#and is being hit with post partum and needs attention

[bladeofthestars]

.

[ryutaria]

Tears and Hearts

Synopsis: With Al Haitham by (Y/N)'s side, she would never have to navigate parenthood all alone...Not when his daughter loved his comfort...

Word Count: 3.5k+

Tags: alhaitham x f! reader, comfort, postpartum depression, sfw, Acting Grand Sage Al Haitham, married life, domestic comfort, a teeny tiny CyoNari, father! Al Haitham, parenthood.

A/N: Comfort because we need it.

A prevalent serenity prevailed over the city as the stars twinkled in the distant skies, faint balls of luminance enchanting to the onlookers' eyes. Darkness had engulfed the world just a few hours ago: rendering the mortal beings to seek solace in the street lamps and artificial mechanisms of luminance invented by the research scholars a long time ago. However, as the sands of the hourglass trickled down the ampule, the city dwellers began to retire to their own residences rendering the streets isolated albeit a few birds who could only hoot freely when the world was at peace yet again.

This was only a natural routine for the world, the moon chased the sun yet they never met unless the eclipse aligned them. However, (Y/N) found her calmness in these small things. The little things in everyday life that are taken for granted by so many... and appreciated by only a few. These things seldom mattered for researchers and scholars of the Akademiya, but as a decorated Professor of Rtawahist Darshan, (Y/N) understood the difference between living and surviving... existence. Moving away from the windowsill of her husband's study, her eyes trailed towards the clock on the mantelpiece: a pretty little vintage clock in the form of an hourglass.

12:17 - read the clock.

(Y/N) smiled as she remembered Kaveh who had gifted it on her second anniversary

"It's so pretty Kaveh!" (Y/N0 exclaimed as she hugged the piece closer to her heart much to the dismay of her husband.

"I got it from one of my expeditions in the desert you know. It -"

"It's just a time tracker (Y/N)." And there goes her husband, the ever logical and very rational Al Haitham as he huffed at Kaveh.

And that was the beginning of another teenage quarrel between the two and she couldn't help but giggle. Time sure flied... Here she was now: Married to Al Haitham for five years as she wore the Nagadus emerald studded platinum loop proudly on her ring finger. Recently there had been another addition to their household, a miniature Al Haitham although a girl child who had turned two months old just a week ago. Another reason why she couldn't resume her scholarly duties yet for the newborn needed attention and care and even when Al Haitham had insisted to help she had told him not to worry for (Y/N) was confident she could handle their little one alone.

"But aşkım I could help" Al Haitham said as he tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear tracing her cheek.

"I'll be fine 'Haitham..." (Y/N) called endearingly as she slowly engulfed his larger hands in her much smaller ones.

However, little by little, all the chores were making her stressed and anxious, the post partum depression in full effect. (Y/N) had been a good mother of course but all the tiredness of household chores and looking after the newborn who wouldn't calm down unless Al Haitham held her was making her all the more agitated. If he was busy or not available she would have to resort to talking to her about Al Haitham's adventures and past shenanigans. Another reason why she was awake in the dead of the night when all the citizens of Sumeru had hit the hay for the day...

The postpartum depression only further added onto her stress for her hormones wouldn't remain stable no matter how much she tried. (Y/N) had asked Tighnari for the medicinal herbs to control them of course but...

"Only if it's very urgent okay, or I am telling Al Haitham what you've been doing" Tighnari scolded, his ears twitching in frustration as he thrusted the herbs in her hand. "They're harmful in the long run you know" he added, concern clear in his eyes.

"Thank you 'Nari... I'll tell him eventually..."

"You said that last time too" Cyno peeked up behind Tighnari, bed hair and a cup of coffee in his hand. This made (Y/N)'s and Tighnari's eyes widen as he quickly turned away from his lover to glare at (Y/N).

"You were WHAT?!" And (Y/N) giggled awkwardly as she sighed.

"That's it! I'm telling the sage what his wife has been doing behind his back!" Tighnari said marching towards his home before (Y/N) grabbed his arm.

With empty promises and white lies she still managed to convince the Chief Forest Ranger to keep his lips sealed, glaring at Cyno when he wasn't looking. The Mahamatra who had been quietly observing the exchange from behind lover slowly giggled as he started to move inside before-

"Only THIS time! You hear me? And WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU ARE GOING HUH? YOU DARE GIVE OFF HERBS JUST BECAUSE I TAUGHT YOU ?!" and Cyno was quick to retreat inside the house with Tighnari hot on his heels.

And (Y/N) was sighed in relief as she made her way towards her home praying to the Archons that her daughter would still be asleep at Nilou's.

However, she wouldn't tell this to Al Haitham for (Y/N) knew how taxing his life had recently become. What with the overthrowing of Azar, the restoration of Lesser Lord Kusanali and Al Haitham being promoted to the rank of Acting Grand Sage was already hectic enough for him. Nilou was only aware how many evenings, (Y/N) had broken down and cried on her visits to the Haitham household.

"Just tell him (Y/N), it would be much better that way " the red-head consoled (Y/N) as she stroked her hair to comfort her.

(Y/N) pulled away a little as she shook her head in the negative, wiping away her tears as she hiccupped a little.

"Can't" she chocked. "Can't add onto his stress Nilou" and she broke down again as her friend hugged her again - closely as her shoulders shook with her hiccups. "Don't...wanna...be...burdensome"

And Nilou felt defeated. Only then she wished that her dearest friend would break down in front Al Haitham just so he could know what she was going through. Al Haitham needed to know this no matter how carefully (Y/N) hid the stress behind her eyes.

She slowly made her way to the nursery to find her daughter asleep and she sighed in relief. Maybe she wouldn't need the herbs anymore, after all she had run out of supplies just a day ago. The little emerald on her daughter's chest glimmered in the moonlight as she breathed in peace and that was enough solace for (Y/N), unaware of the turmoil that was waiting to erupt again.

Al Haitham had come home just two hours ago, his voice devoid of any life as he greeted her and she knew that the Acting Grand Sage was tired. She took the off-coat off his tired shoulders as he slowly entered the kitchen for she insisted him not to go to bed on an empty stomach.

"It's not healthy 'Haitham..." she had called as she kissed his cheek lovingly. Nevertheless, she felt a little guilty on the inside, for what she was doing wasn't healthy either..."Just a little, yeah?" and he had leaned further into her touch as he nuzzled his nose in her palm.

"Only if you feed me, aşkım..." and she smiled as he told her how tiring it was to be the Grand Sage.

"Acting Grand Sage" he had corrected (Y/N) and she laughed as she fed him another bite of the meat stew. And then he had retired to bed, too tired to turn off the lamps and she had sighed before kissing him 'Good Night' as she put out the light.

(Y/N) had just gotten done with all the chores: the laundry, the dishes - a little crying as she hurried off to feed their daughter- putting out clothes in the backyard for she had faith they would be dry by the morning (It had been a little windy all day),dusting through Al Haitham's study: a weekend ritual for it was Friday. After admiring the night view from the window in her husband's study she had walked to the nursery to make sure her daughter was still asleep, sighing in relief for she still was... breathing in calmness with her (E/C) eyes closed and her ashen-hair splayed across the cot.

And now that (Y/N) was thinking of a warm bath to wash off the sweat and dust from her body, her eyes widened as they darted to the cot. Her daughter had stirred awake, throwing another teary tantrum as she quickly reached for her daughter in the cot for she knew Al Haitham was a light sleeper and she wouldn't wish to disturb his peace.

Taking the child in her arms, (Y/N) gently cooed at her, cradling her by the window as she pointed at the stars and moons and little trinkets in the nursery. And slowly (Y/N) started narrating the incident when Al Haitham had forgotten his keys at her home.

"Uncle Kaveh hadn't come home and your father had to sit at the - Aww sweetie, no~~"

The wailing started again as the child's eyes teared up and (Y/N) rocked her a little in her arms praying to the Archons for her to quieten down. And before she knew tears started pricking her own eyes...

Al Haitham could hear the little noises in his household, washing away his sleep as he yawned. Turning to his left he frowned when he was greeted by the cold pillows. "(Y/N)?" he called getting up to sit as he yawned and stretched his arms. Turquoise eyes followed the window and he realized that it was the middle of the night. He could see a faint glow in their bedroom and he realized that (Y/N) must be in the nursery.

The ashen-haired male sighed yet again as he got down from the bed. It had now become a nightly routine for him to wake up in the middle of the night to find (Y/N) in the nursery and when he had asked why she hadn't been sleeping early enough she would lie through her teeth and he frowned again for he didn't know why.

"What do you mean? I just woke up 'Haitham" she had told him a few days ago and Al Haitham could clearly see her lying. When on further coaxing (Y/N) repeated the same thing, he left the topic for he didn't want to agitate the young mother any further, their daughter asleep in his arms. He could see how tired she looked and he wondered if (Y/N) had been taking care of her basic needs. Dark circles decorated (Y/N)'s face as she leaned on the windowsill, her body looking frail and he knew she had lost weight, the stress piling up on her. Skipped lunches and late night dinners proof enough for him.

Al Haitham didn't want to coax out a confession for he had already been warned about postpartum depression and thought that she would eventually talk to him...at her own pace...

Nevertheless, here he was yet again awake by the small noises of his crying daughter and he followed into the nursery. However the sight that greeted him was all the confession he needed.

Tears streamed down (Y/N)'s face as she sobbed and hiccupped while cradling the newborn, occasionally wiping her eyes as she cradled and pleaded to their daughter.

"Please sweetie...j-just th-this time please..." she begged as she rocked the infant further, a choked sob flying past her lips.

Al Haitham's eyes widened as he hurried towards his family, taking his daughter in his right arm as he held (Y/N) close to his chest with his left, a zephyr passing by as his daughter and wife cried into his arms and chest. Slowly he rocked their daughter in the stillness of the night, (Y/N)'s chocked sobs echoing through the household as his stroked her hair gently.

Soon enough, the baby was asleep in her father's arms and gently Al Haitham placed her in the cot before taking (Y/N) in his arms as fresh tears flooded her vision yet again

"H-'Haitham..." she whispered as she cried into his arms, pushing her face further into his chest.

"I know aşkım... I know" he placed a kiss on her forehead as his fingers stroked through her (H/C) tresses. Sighing and thanking the Archons that his wife had finally broken down or else she would have never let him know how stressful this was becoming for her.

(Y/N) sobbed quietly all the while Al Haitham held her and when she whispered a small 'I'm sorry', the male frowned as he slowly coaxed her to him.

"I-I couldn't calm h-her and...you wok-"

"No (Y/N)..." He cooed as he held her cheeks, kissing her forehead in reassurance yet again. (Y/N) still sobbed feeling guilty, regret clear in her (E/C) orbs and he hated seeing her tears.

"I knew all along..." and when her eyes widened he told her all about the small nursery he had custom made near his office just so they could be together while he worked at the Akademiya.

"I was the 'Gem of Haravatat' (Y/N), didn't you think I'd notice?" he said as he wiped her tears away with gentle touches. "Semiotics has a lingering psychology to it too... I was just waiting for you to come in terms with your emotions..." and she sighed into his arms yet again, leaning onto his chest as he continued to tell her how he would be on leave for the next few days and when he resumed his duties he would be taking them along to the Akademiya, the arrangements for them customized by Faruzan herself for she was too tired of Nilou complaining to her about his wife's trauma and stubbornness all the time she went to the Grand Bazaar.

And (Y/N) wondered how all the love in her heart was never enough for her husband.

Kissing his daughter for the last time that night, he walked out of the nursery, (Y/N) fast asleep against his chest as he carried her to their room for a good night's rest.

He smiled as he tucked her in before slipping under sheets as he held (Y/N) in his arms that night after a long time. And Al Haitham's world was at peace yet again... The whispers of the winds were the last things he heard before he drifted to a peaceful sleep, his aşkım in his arms.

@teapartyspilled

[jazzytrait]

So... I'm just gonna come out and say it because it will probably be obvious in my posts over time: I'm not a fan of kids. If you wanna go down this rat hole with me, keep reading.

In most people's minds that makes me some kind of asshole, but really. I just do not have the energy or patience for children. This is coming form someone who used to babysit, work in daycares and initially enrolled in school as an elementary education major. (That changed SO QUICK after the daycare job)

I don't have anything against them individually. I love my 8 yr old nephew (he's kooky af), but I can only deal with him for about an hour before I'm like "Ok someone please come get this kid."

I'm not a mother. At one point I intended to be, but life had its own ideas and it turns out that without some majorly expensive medical help that was not going to happen for me. I was also young and from a poverty home, so there was no money for such things. At first it was sad, but as I got older I saw all my friends having kids and watching them struggle. Their marriages fell apart because of the shift in focus and the stress, they had no more time for their interests or hobbies, they were no longer the same people I knew... they became "Mommy". It was kinda scary, honestly. I did a lot of research and found some studies showing that having a baby can often decrease happiness in a marriage by over 60% and it only ever recovers by like 10% on average. Couple that with the general "loss of identity" that many mothers experience, risks of health complications, things like post-partum depression and not to mention the financial implications of a child. I felt like I dodged a bullet in a lot of ways by being unable to have children. I've been able to travel, move to some great cities, enjoy some awesome experiences that would have otherwise been MUCH harder or more expensive with a child. I indulge in my hobbies and interests and give my attention and care (that would have been focused on a child) to my significant other. We focus on making our lives better just for us. It may seem selfish, but we get to exist and enjoy ourselves however we want and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

So, how does this relate to The Sims 4 and my gameplay style? I'm just not very kid-focused. My sims have kids to advance a legacy and that's really the only reason. The babies are just annoying little alarms that go off every so often that you have to hit snooze on (though that baby anim from the Behind the Sims Summit looks interesting) and the toddlers are SO MUCH WORK. They need near constant monitoring! It's stressful and annoying. For a long time I would just age up babies and toddlers immediately and move on. I find the interesting part of a sim's life really begins as a teen and everything else is just foundational.

So, I will probably never focus on kids. There probably won't be any adorable posed photos with the toddlers and my overall attitude to my sims having babies/toddlers is somewhere along the lines of "Please make it stop". I have so much respect for mothers who have more patience and grace than I. It's just not me.

There was really no purpose to this rant other than to just vent my frustration about it because... my sim is pregnant again and I'm already preemptively annoyed! But it's ok. There are all kinds of people and all kinds of simmers with all kinds of play-styles. Whether you're a family simmer and just can't get enough of them babies or someone who focuses solely on adults or any other measure in the spectrum of styles in-between... It's cool. Be you, play you, don't feel like any one way is the right way to play. Yadda yadda yadda... [insert platitudes]... ✌️👽

[santos-emilia]

An exploration with Emilia’s relationship with struggles and addiction Word Count: ~ 2,400 TW: drug use & addiction, miscarriage, self-harm More for me than y’all

Pain is powerful. Everything in life comes from pain - yours or someone else’s. Even, the first breath one takes only comes after hours, sometimes days, of pain from the one who had birthed them. Pain fueled anger. Pain fueled revenge. The thing is, there is always relief from pain. There is always something better to come, something to take pain away. Pain fueled life and with it the pleasure of joy. Pain fueled happiness. Pain fueled relief. 

But there is one thing that is even more powerful than pain. Numbness. A loss of sensation of feeling. 

When the decision was made to give the daughter she had so dearly wanted up, to make a promise never to interfere in her life and all to keep her safe, Emilia had felt pain. She and Tony had dearly wanted that tiny bundle of joy, had a name picked out and even a nursery made. But time had made her realize that being her daughter would put a target on her back. If President Snow would kill a victor to get his way, what would he be doing to an innocent child to get the cooperation of the child’s parents? It wouldn’t be safe for the child. And so the child was given up, given to someone who could hopefully provide a safer home, one without the constant attention, one without the threat of retaliation if her parents stepped a foot out of line. 

Emilia had only had two weeks with the child, two weeks before being forced on a train to tour the nation. She had cried and grieved for the life lost, for the lie that she tried to pretend was a reality - that her child had died. But in her fragile state she could only take so much, so much poking and prodding, so many touchy hands, so many sponsors she was forced to entertain before she just let go. It was easier to be numb than to feel everything else, pain and shame and worthlessness. It was easy to feel nothing at all - a stagnant, harrowing nothing. 

Numb : deprived of the power of sensation or responsiveness

Being numb took you away from everything. It took away your pain and with the absence of pain came an absence of happiness and joy, pleasure and satisfaction. You would do anything to regain some semblance of normalcy, to break through the fog of numbness. But numbness has no adversary in the way pain does. Numbness lingers. Numbness spawns tendrils that work into every fiber of your being. Numbness’s only adversary is you, and if you refuse to face what invited numbness in, numbness will make your world go black. 

But nothing is not pleasant and trauma, unfaceable. So when a sponsor offered a hit, a line of cocaine, an assurance that it’d make the evening more interesting, Emilia had given in. If for no other reason than to feel something without dealing with her issues. And the euphoria offered by the fine white powder became a problem, a problem that she would seek out in droves. It wasn’t her first run in with drugs (a morphling addiction fueled by a want to escape her post-games pain, but she’d stopped cold turkey at the barest suggestion that it might harm her growing pregnancy), and it wouldn’t be her last. No, the cocaine and the euphoria it offered quickly became an addiction. 

Something was better than nothing even if that something was artificial. 

It would be an addiction she would struggle with on and off for several years, even after the void of numbness abated. A positive pregnancy test would come back and she’d force herself to stop. A miscarriage, or the absence of Tony, or the worry that he might end up dead if caught by peacekeepers while in his search for rebellion would send her spiraling again. Rinse, wash, repeat, the cycle would continue for seven years until an overdose nearly ended her life. 

Chemical euphoria was better than numbness, but numbness was better than death. And numbness was broken by fear so strong it made her blood run cold. She’d almost died, almost killed herself. Tony would forever be physically scarred, his back a grisly mess of blood and muscle (the retribution of the head peacekeeper for activities relating to rebellion) as he fought to keep her alive. And she would be forever emotionally scarred by the fact she’d nearly died, nearly died trying to keep the love of her life alive, that he had nearly died. 

And so, Emilia would wake for the first time in seven years. Emilia would fight off withdrawal, vomiting, shaking and exhaustion. Pain would resurface. And with pain, would eventually come happiness and joy, relief - right? That’s how things were supposed to happen. 

Emotions would be felt again, life would be lived again. She would go about her daily activities and actually take note of them. Emilia would take up the things that had provided her with happiness and excitement and joy before. She would begin cooking again, reading from the small library she'd brought from her childhood home, dancing and listening to the music left behind by her father. 

Pain would make its presence know again and again. Another baby so dearly loved, lost - heartbeat gone at week eleven; a set of twins suffering from twin to twin transfusion, the 'healthy' one with a large gap in its skull; a lack of movement. Each time the numbness would try to resurface, try to creep in, but Emilia knew how to stave it off. Remember that night, the night spent tirelessly tending to her husband's tender back, the night spent covered in his blood, the next morning with her heart racing, the morning spent on the shower floor in the frigid water, Benadryl forced to be taken, her husband's pleading voice begging her to stay with him. If that didn't work, she'd disappear to the Academy for hours with the girl she'd taken on as a mentee, practice and focus, the ache of muscles worked until they could no longer,  would drive off the numbness. Tony would always be there to hold her close and provide the relief she'd need from the self-inflicted pain. Pain to drive away the numbness, relief to drive away the pain. 

But when her husband joined the rebellion again, something Emilia was not against for any reason other than her husband's safety, and his arms were not always there to provide comfort the pain was harder to get rid of and with the pain harder to get rid of, numbness crept in a little more successfully. So a dog was brought home, Metztli named for the Aztec Goddess of the moon and night for the black fur that covered the animal. A dog that was trained to recognize the signs of Emilia's depressive states or when she was on the verge of an anxiety attack. A dog that offered her the comfort her husband could not when he was not home. 

And things would be okay again. Okay and even enjoyable sometimes. She'd garden. She'd cook. She'd spend time with Alejo, the father-in-law who'd become like a second father, a man who'd teach her to shoot a gun just for the relief it offered, nothing more than blanks or paintballs. It was a relief from pent up emotions. But life was okay and she was coping. 

But when Emilia lost that little girl who'd become her mentee. When the little girl became a teenager and volunteered and died, Emilia would feel the pain. She would mourn that little girl who'd been as near as a daughter to her as seemed possible. She would cry in the privacy of her own home, blame herself and wonder if there had been something she could have done different. And in those months nothing seemed to be able to relieve the pain stuffed in her chest, but she had learned pain was better than numbness and so she clung to it. Clung to the pain for fear of the deadening of sensation that she knew came when she hid from the pain. 

Months passed in this way, clinging to the pain. She was tired and nauseous and that too she blamed on the nightmares, or rather refused to believe what else they might lead to. Her husband was away more. Rebellion thick on his skin when he returned. And he would be the one to mention she looked different, though by this point after loss after loss he knew better than to point out what seemed different. That could lead to tears and anxiety, it was easier to Emilia to just pretend she wasn't.  It when clothes begin to fit differently and still nausea clings worse than ever before, she was forced face the reality. And at eighteen weeks she was confirmed pregnant, a miracle, the furthest she'd ever made it since the very first. And at twenty-two weeks she was told she was having twins. 

Everything was great, everything grand. Emilia had finally set up a nursery, her husband was keeping home more, and for the first time in seventeen years Emilia felt well and truly happy despite the still present morning sickness. But as with everything it seemed, life was intent to tear her down and at twenty-six weeks pregnant she stood for another reaping. A reaping that would throw her daughter, the one she had birthed a mere six months after her own victory, at the arena with no hope and Emilia's world would come tearing down around her again within a couple of weeks. 

But Emilia was good at acting. So good that she almost convinced herself she was okay. Her beloved died, but two and a half months later she gave birth to two more children. And though numbness had seeked her out again, dragged her under, she was great at smiling for the cameras. Happy mom happy life despite the warning obviously dolled out by the Capitol. Everything looked and seemed fine. But under it all lulled a sense of dread and failure. Post partum depression danced in hellish circles with the depression and anxiety she was acquainted with. 

And when a year after the death of her beloved first child, the Capitol threw a wicked curve ball - resurrected tributes; the mentee, the beloved, and the father all in the arena again, Emilia could no longer ward off the cold clutches of numbness. Desperation sang out, and one by one she watched as her loved ones died in screen again, Tony gone when one right after the other Diana and Amada died within half an hour. She fell into the only relief she knew in the absence of her husband. Even with Metztli and her children with her, she fell, succumbed to the icy tendrils of nothing and gave in. 

Addiction : the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity

Addictions are tricky things. The vast majority of people deal with an addiction in some form; caffeine, tobacco, alcohol. But for some addiction runs deeper than those accepted by society. For some, addiction comes in the form of cocaine or morphling or heroine. For some addiction comes in the form of harming oneself. Whatever it is, from socially acceptable, to those often hidden, there is one universal truth. Addiction is hard to kick, addiction with fight you with headaches and convulsions, paranoia and exhaustion. Addiction is not willing to let you go easily.  

Addiction is a hard thing to fight off and nearly ten years after making the choice to be sober, Emilia gave in again. She sought out the only solace she knew, the only thing that was sure to make feeling something possible again. Cocaine was an old friend, and easy to come by, especially when she knew where her old stashes were kept. But when stashes ran out and the itch grew stronger, contacts were made and old acquaintances pulled in. 

And for a while, the old friend worked well. A line or two here or there, kept secret and behind closed doors and she could at least pretend. She could pretend behind her suits of white and her hair pulled back that she was once again that picture perfect victor. But that perfect picture was always a lie, had always been so. The poised and polished exterior hid her darkest of secrets just as it had in her early years of victory. She could stand tall (as tall as she could at 5’2”) when the nothingness was dulled by the euphoria of drugs. She could smile and wave, give advice and live. But is it really living when you're a slave to something else? 

For Emilia it was as good as, at least while her life still maintained some semblance of normal. But when shit hit the fan and the world around her seemed to crumble, fires spread and houses broken into, lives lost and bombs set, and Tony... Tony in the thick of it. When Emilia didn't even know where her husband was, left at home with the kids and her in laws, in laws that took more care of the kids at that point that she did, well not even the comfort of her drug of choice could bring her back from the deep seeded, vast emptiness she felt. Emptiness to stave off the constant worry, emptiness to stave off the anxiety, emptiness to stave off days spent in bed... But when her days were spent aimlessly, wandering and without any emotion to give purpose, when the emptiness could no longer be staved off Emilia found another vice that made her feel something, anything but numb.

It started as half-moon indentations, nails dug into her palm or into the fleshy underside as her arm as she watched news reports of the ongoing rebellion efforts; of bombs set in various districts including her own, of boats set adrift and sank, of factories destroyed and animals let loose, of reported deaths, rebels caught and imprisoned. And it worked for a small while but quickly delved into deeper lacerations. As things got worse so did the numbness and her need to feel anything but, nails in skin no loner could drag her out of the reveries that would suck her in, the what-ifs; what if Tony got caught, what if he was killed, what if they came after her or the kids. 

Half-moon indentations gave way to thin lines of red, to the cool press of metal against skin, one of Tony’s straight razors taken to the thick of her thighs or the tender skin of her belly. And not long after the rebellion would fall quiet, Tony would return home, injured but safe. But the thing with addiction, a fact Emilia knew entirely too well, was that addictions were not easy to kick, no matter what the addiction was. But she could feel something now, even if that feeling was a sharp pain, even if she often chased the pain with a line of euphoria, even if her husband was home to hold and comfort. 

At least again she could pretend, a facade falling back into place and just in time for her to be thrown back into the public face for the Victor’s Ball.

[clandestine-j]

911 - S5.01 Reaction / Review

so! this will be my first season of 911 that i watched while it was airing! and for that journey, i want to do episode reviews, idk if it'll always happen but i'm hyped so let's get to it! !

first the over-arching plot, the ransom hit. now, i saw a lot of people saying it was cheesy and over the top and took them out and etc...and but no, not for me lol. i guess i just love the visual's of the chaos, how they get out of the chaos. people paying more attention to road? love it, i love the fact that it was a bunch of people because i believe it to extent, the same as everything getting hacked. cars going crazy, clocks messing around, cars having their murder intent. it's just a mess and i love the mess.

i don't know what episodes jlh will be out for the season but before she leaves, i hope they delve into the post-partum the best they can. i know people hate seeing her cry and etc but sad maddie just does something to me. when she was late waking up, you could juse everything dragging her down. idk if the news is the best thing to watch but hey, maybe it is helping her. and chim, best husband, best boi.

also the funniest man ever, fight me.

but chim is such a loving guy and i just want the best for him. if chim wants the world, i'll get him the world.

hen is the best girl and her and karen are the cheesiest couple, i love it. karen dropping so much knowledge that david didn't get a chance to speak this episode. but hen has been her usual loving self and hen can do no wrong. ( and yes she did but if i delete that entire arch from my mind, it didn't happen ) but really, i'm glad to have her back and i don't want hen to leave even though she'd make an amazing doctor. U STILL SAVING PEOPLE GIRL.

i love the love between bobby and athena. when she woke up in the morning with bobby and harry making waffles (with cheese!) i love the family unit and how everyone works to make it work. it was heart breaking to watch bobby just watch athena and be worried about her. things are hard but if i believe in any relationship, i believe in theirs.  

also, i know some people aren't happy with that guy coming back but it's life. thing's don't move smoothly and sometimes you can't close the door on parts of your life whenever you want. but i know athena will not only overcome the trauma but kick his ass so i'm waiting for the sweet, sweet moment.

i think they shot eddie's panic attack well, the moment it started, how it took him a few seconds and the panic attack and etc. i can understand them not doing the ptsd for the shooting ( and honestly, i think buck would have it more than him ) but i do like that we see it's the normal pressure's of life. he's such a tightly wound guy that's it's good to see just life causing his crisis and that it wasn't done away with, he got a little shoot at that guy in the air control tower and i don't want to see eddie in pain but he does it well. and i'll shove it in here but worried!buck and emotional puddle!eddie, and then chim and hen being like 'these guys'

and then eddie and ana, it's so strange for me. they had a good meeting, the chemistry was there. then they had the skating hiccup but i thought they had chemistry and the writers went *boop* seriously, if i was ana's actress, i'd be offended. honestly, they could've cut half of taylor-buck to develop ana a bit more. maybe they always intended for her to go at some point because she doesn't have a job that connects to the main story but idk, maybe introduce her in another way? idk, i think potential was there and was wasted.

also, i wouldn't compare the buck-family scene to the ana-mom scene. one, it seems like she's letting eddie set the terms of their relationship because he is a father. it doesn't seem like they had an official title or maybe she was panicked about the thought of chris thinking she's trying to replace his mom so she went with friend because it's a safe and that's a touchy subject so i could get why she got tied up in a moment of awkwardness.

i also saw people saying it was awkward to flirt like that around chris but eddie started it and he didn't seem to mind. that moment had chemistry (or i'm just falling for eddie's shh face bc it was sexy) and couples do that all the time, adults do that.

i gag at the fact that they panned to ana when they asked if eddie had any new stress. and then going into that scene, i also saw comments that the relationship was ehhh (which it is) because she just looked worried and was silent but i saw it as a respect to eddie to not mention the shooting because it's his to mention. i like that it was chris who spoke up. force your dad to admit it.

and chris, eddie said he felt good about it but then it's he's not feeling it? does he really not want to go or is the suit fitting also bringing back memories of shanon and the last him he wore it? either way baby, you look amazing.

may isn't an a-lister actress but i don't think she's bad. i'm happy to see her grow as an actress and a dispatcher.

idk, i've said what i needed to say about buck-taylor but i've also seen peeps saying that buck wasn't upset about taylor grabbing his phone and using his face, which, he might not be. but you could see he wasn't expecting it and he was irritated about it but in normal buck fashion, he just pushed it away and followed along. which is fine, i guess, it's a relationship or whatever.

so, i think as far as people / relationships / things, i hit the big beats. so i'll have some more randomly listed thoughts.

i thought the judge was in on it because HIS CRIMES but i get that she was following the law and what he wanted wasn't wrong / there wasn't a reason to deny him ( i mean other than the people he hurt but i'm not a judge, just a person who watches )

and honestly, he brought up some good points, this was a good way to show how police work needs to be air-tight, it sucks but i could see him getting away with it ( and this was before he felt like skipping the court-room )

air traffic control people are mental because i wouldn't have taken for the scare to be over for me to pass out. nope. would've happened already

david is good looking

baby buck

you and chris at the christening

I DIDN'T SEE THE LAWYER COMING

my stream started to lag around that part, the audio and etc was lagging and i just...

WHY DID SHE DO MY MAN LIKE THAT???

i don't know if the whole being fired thing was real or a plan but if it wasn't real, i could see her having been attracted to him before the case or felt something for him during it, she got caught up in whatever the groupies did

i don't think it was a plan for her to cut lou because even the dude looked shocked? so idk but man, that being played along side athena being happy and calling the victims, it hit hard.

pls don't be dead, pls

is the air traffic control person's name really soup? i wanna fight

albert? ravi?

maybe more things will come later but this all i can think about right now? i loved the opening scene of the 118 being together and all of them but i can't wait to see them in action, action.

this, an entire ramble of my thoughts.

[sothischickshe]

okay it is extremely hard to pull a snippet that fits within the ask character count and sending it in multiple parts would require both math and remembering where I left off SO I’m gonna just tell you: dvd commentary for the anniversary scene in waiting for someone or a scene of your choice if there’s one you’d rather talk about that was just the last one I was trying to force into this tiny box, I tried like three others

oh god, counting is fundamentally immoral, absolutely fucking not!!!

All right, so the anniversary scene in waiting for someone who needs me is pretty short (idk if it’s under 500 words cos, again, counting is immoral):

The night of the anniversary, Beth’s out on the deck. She thinks about calling Annie, the way she’s been musing on at intervals throughout the day.

But she honestly isn’t sure if Annie indeed notes the date. Wouldn’t fault her if she doesn’t, truly. Their relationships with their mother were so different, Annie has no memories of the before – obviously. And she never suffered with post-partum or–

Then suddenly – there he is. Occupying the wicker chair. He isn’t even particularly close, but his heat hits her, strong, perhaps because of the surprising force of the wind tonight. She’d meant to fetch a blanket but then she just…didn’t.

Beth doesn’t look up, but does push her glass, along the recently purchased cypress table, towards him. Swigs from the bottle instead.

“I think the dead should stay dead,” she says, eventually.

When she cants her eyes over, he’s absorbed the offering.

“Yeah,” he rasps. “Probably right.”

so i guess overall why the scene’s there/what I was thinking about when i wrote it is that it builds on the general themes of i. rio suggesting wishes that beth’s ultimately not tempted by and ii. there being no apparent limits on what can be wished for/him claiming he can do anything (leading to beth feeling like she can do anything she wants at the end).

and i. is rooted in and tied to her feeling like she exchanged her mother for annie, so the scene is supposed to emphasise the privacy and loneliness of her grief (for their mother, but also for her mother who she knew in a way that annie didn’t, and also for her own childhood). and there’s a couple of lines abt her thinking abt/meaning to do things (call annie; get a blanket) and just kinda not doing it, and i guess that’s there to emphasise the paralysis of letting it in.

and while beth’s firmly anti-wish throughout, i think she is kinda tempted by plenty of them. her saying i think the dead should stay dead is a firm rejection, but i think she would have given this avenue at least idle consideration. and then been like well that’d be fucking horrid. also rio agreeing with her, and not raising this particular suggestion again, is significant. like, he’ll briefly take no for an answer and then pop up again, but is paying attention (which beth finds offensively suspect lol) and modifies his suggestions accordingly. i imagine he’s agreeing bc he’s seen bad situations play out from ppl wishing for a dead person to come back (beth’s probably not wrong! it probably is some letter of the law situation where you get a zombie-esque husk!) but also bc he understands grief and complexity too. and he! likes! her!

on the word choices, well i guess there’s his heat which i. teehee and ii. there’s just a lot of fire/warmth/coal/whatnot stuff for him throughout cos he’s a djinn and a being of flame/fire/whathaveyou.

and then him absorbing the offering - well she’s passed him a drink but also been kind of honest/raw with him (again really for the first time, up to then she’s just been telling him to fuck off mostly), so the absorption is supposed to apply to both. plus the fact that them having an actual conversation only has 2 lines of dialogue feels right bc they’re Like That.

there’s some fun new furniture too cos beth’s gone full fkn bananas on the flea markets

SAD LACK OF PUNS I MUST SAY

(and i guess generally, gg is a show i discovered when trauma and grief were looming large in my life, so perhaps that’s part of why they’re themes i tend to return to a lot in gg ff)

‘DVD’ commentary of a ff snippet

[uhhhdanika]

is that SEO SOOJIN? no, that’s just DANIKA KANG. SHE is TWENTY-THREE years old and is a STUDENT NURSE. rumor has it they’ve been in town for TWO MONTHS. on a good day, they’re INTUITIVE & PROTECTIVE. but watch out! they can also be COLD & BLUNT. MORE BY HALSEY plays in my head whenever i think of them. can’t wait to see them around springhill! 

HELLO !! I’m so excited to be here... this is Danika, the infamous twin sister to Daniel Kang !! Get it ?? Dani and Danny !! Anyways, below the cut will be her intro that I just kind of whipped together, forgive me !! I will also include some wanted connections below as well, mostly based on songs because that’s where I get the most muse !! Like this to plot or hit me up with your muse’s name on discord @ shut up you spunky lesbian#0666  @shstarters​

tw: emotional abuse, miscarriage(s)/stillbirth, abortion mention, depression

Danika, like Daniel, was raised in a loving home. With the house being so full, you would think she would often have to fight for her turn with affection and attention. However, the Kangs were a very equal home. Naturally, being the absolute youngest (Daniel being only a few moments older than her), Danika grew to have a peculiar complex where she thinks that no one actually cares? It’s weird. She has this odd need to prove herself to her family at all times, which no one in the family knows where it comes from. Maybe she just wants to be the best... who knows. 

Growing up, she wasn’t the most fashionable, growing up with her elder sister’s hand-me-downs but making the best of them. Considering their family never had much, the need to prove herself grew from just impressing her family to impressing her peers. In school, she was an honour roll student with a GPA of 4.0 throughout her academic career. 

However, straight after high school, she didn’t take her intelligence into post-secondary. Instead, she left the entire idea of school behind to go live with a new boyfriend. The two moved away from her native Seattle to Inglewood, California. They lived in a small, crowded two-bedroom apartment with two other roommates. Of course, she missed her family, but she was independent !! So she thought. What Danika doesn’t realize is that at eighteen years old, you actually don’t know everything about the world. 

During this time, her boyfriend became emotionally abusive, gaslighting her and controlling her every move. Soon, she stopped calling her family as often as she did, only checking in with them, so they know she was still alive. Danika was so enamoured by him, she didn’t clue into his behaviour and how harmful it actually was. The man had convinced her that her entire family hated her for moving (which was far from the truth). 

At the same time, Danika became pregnant. She was ecstatic, he was not. Although her boyfriend was a grade-A asshole, he didn’t make her get rid of the baby. The one thing in the world that Danika wanted most, but never expressed to anyone but her twin, was to be a mother. Things seemed to be looking up, she started to buy small items such as baby clothes or toys and keeping them in a small storage bin in their shared room. 

One night she awoke with intense pain, and her worst fear came true. She was in the middle of losing her baby, the baby she just found was a little girl. The girl she was dreaming of having her eyes and her boyfriend’s nose. It was too late to try and save the baby, with the couple not being able to do anything but let it happen. It seemed out of grief, the boyfriend began to cheat on her. Most of her friends in her life called bullshit, but Danika being in love with him, decided to give him a couple more chances. After walking in on them in their apartment, that was Danika’s final straw. She packed up her things and moved back to Seattle. 

Showing up on her family’s doorstep, hoping that they would forgive her after the last year and a half of ghosting them. Spoiler alert: they did.  Danika ended up telling them everything, minus her pregnancy. The wound was still too fresh for her to talk about, even months later. The previous relationship changed her, she became colder and blunter. Trust issues began to grow, leading to failed relationship after failed relationship. 

Eventually at 21 years old, after two years of living back with her parents, Danika had a new boyfriend. He seemed much more loving, caring, and overall a 180 compared to her last boyfriend. A couple months into their relationship, they decided they wanted to start a family. Danika moved in with him and they ended up trying for a baby with no luck until just when they were going to give up. 

Danika got pregnant again and almost carried to full-term before losing the baby. It was two months before she was due, the couple having the nursery complete and the baby shower happening the month before. This crushed her, leaving her to develop post-partum depression. This one hurt more than the first. She had a name, she had a nursery. This time she had two loving parents who wanted her. She and her boyfriend ended up splitting up from the grief and once again, Danika moved back with her parents. Danika grew jealous of the older siblings with children, her heart yearning for that same joy. 

Eventually, in order to heal from her pain, Danika decided to go to school far away from Seattle. She and her twin moved to Springhill for different reasons, but they lived together. Figuring that if she couldn’t protect her own child, she might as well protect her brother as well as she could. Danika decided that she wanted to go to nursing school, eventually specializing in labour and delivery.

Fast Facts

She is bisexual but has never had a serious relationship with a woman.

Her favourite colour is burgundy. 

She is an ISFJ personality type.

Some defining features for her would be her nose ring in her left nostril, a small tattoo on her hip of her baby’s initials. 

Connections They Could Have

Hurricane (based on Panic! at the Disco’s 2011 song):

Messy, unhealthy friends with benefits/hook up relationships. They can be either male or female or NB. They are absolutely terrible for each other, using sex to cope with their life issues. Outside of this intimacy, the two could hate each other or be frenemies.

said no more war, no more clothes. give me peace! oh, kiss me!

Picturing Love (based on July Talk’s 2016 song):

Two friends just destroying the patriarchy! Just kidding. However, just two friends that bitch about relationships in this day in age and how they don’t expect their love lives to get any better.

One Last Night (based on Vaults’ 2015 song): 

An on and off again relationship, could just be beginning or could be someone from Seattle. Male or female!

UDK (based on Olivia O’Brien’s 2019 song)

Frenemies or a dislike for each other. Spreading rumours about each other around town, not understanding how one could dislike someone this much before actually getting to know them.

Best friends?? 

She just needs more friends other than her twin lol.

[felinawrites]

My Top ten headcanons of Redtail

In honor of Redtail's Debt:

1. He loved his sisters Willowpelt and Spottedleaf very much. Despite Spottedleaf being a medicine cat and needing to keep distance he would still visit Spottedleaf under the guise of deputy and patrol business hence, why he and Willowpelt had knowledge on herbs as result. He was close to Leopardfoot and Patchpelt but not as clode since they were older and he had a special connection to his littermates.

2. He often felt a heavy weight on his shoulders. He was made deputy at a very young age by Bluestar and as such often felt strained under the responsibility of keeping his clanmates safe. He often kept this feeling to himself not wanting to burden anyone with his emotions including his sister Spottedleaf and Bluestar who sensed it in his heaviest days.

3. Redtail was trans. ( Big duh this like one of biggest fan headcanons in the fandom). And had several relationships with both toms and she-cats but because of his resposibilites very few lasted however he did have a lasting relationship with Runningwind and Brindleface.

4. Even though he carried, birthed and loved Sandstorm he found it hard to take of her. It was hard for him being in the nursery and experiencing post-partum. He also felt the extreme pressure of his responsibilities as the clan deputy with the winter being fierce, famine hard and a bough of green cough that cost six kits lives and several adults cats. Those deaths haunted him so he left the nursery when Sandkit was barely weaned at around a moon old under the paws of Brindleface who cared for Sandkit,Graykit and Dustkit and Ravenkit who had lost their own parents.

5. Sandkit unfortunately held alot of resenment towards Redtail because of her upbringing. While Brindleface was a lovely surrogate mother she felt Redtail had abadoned her and the fact that he seemed so distant and avoided her ( actually a result of post-partum and the stress and grief from so many cats dying during leaf-bare). As a result she pushed Redtail away along with Brindleface all the way until she was an apprentice.

When he was killed she felt numb yet angry for a long time. She didn't go to his vigil due to shock and denial. And later while processing her feelings lashed out to others especially Firepaw at the time who was an easy target.

It was only many moons later when Sandstorm was an adult and faced the perils of clan life along with her mate and family that she understood her father and why he had acted as he did. A part of her felt guilty for her actions and when she died she was finally able to reconcile with her father.

6. Redtail was a wanderer in Starclan. Despite his faiths and morals he hated Starclan's decisons in allowing the cat who murdered him and betrayed the clan he had protected to become leader. As such Redtail became the Starclan equivalent to a rogue similar to his sister Spottedleaf although while Spottedleaf meddled and clung life in the five clans and Firestar the deputy drifted from place to place not wanting to get involved with Starclan affairs or Lake/Forest Clan affairs but instead choosing his own version of justice according to the situation that fell to his paws as a type of vigilante/renegade figure.

His second name earned many seasons after he died was " Redtail the Renegade" due to this

7. Redtail was oddly enough good friends with Smallear. Smallear was very old school and Redtail was young,hardworking and serious. They made a good team and Smallear would frequently volunteers to set up the dawn patrols.

It was Smallear who kept an eye out for Sandkit because he knew the tom was always concerned. He'd keep Sandkit entertained with stories about how he'd scare kittypets away.

When Sandstorm had just lost Runningwind, her other father. Smallear spent a good day comforting her and telling her the story about the day when Redtail told Runningwind he was expecting his kit and how proud and emotional they've been from the moment she was born.

8. He had a brief relationship in his youth with Stagleap of Windclan. Eventually they mutually broke up as he become older and tied with his Thunderclan responsibilities and Stagleap became mates with Wrenflight and father of her three kits ( Onewhisker, Morningflower, Ashfoot). It wouldn't be the first time he drew the attention of cats outside his clan. Due to his young age and very attractive apperance many cats were easily charmed and it was not unusual to see nearby patrol cats become flustered while speaking to him.

His quiet almost brooding nature only added to the reputation. With Starclan being more open to cats from other clans being together it was quite common to comment or for thr particularly bold to hit on Redtail.

In one rare situation when Redtail found himself involved in Starclan matters. He found himself in a argument with the newly dead Onestar who once tried to insult Redtail by saying " You think you are so pretty"

Which Redtail then rebutted with " Your father certainly thought so. Such a great tom, shame greatness isn't in the blood and seems to take more than nine lives to learn what your father did in one"

9. Redtail hated Thistleclaw. Even as a kit he felt uncomfortable around Thistleclaw because of the way he looked at Spottedleaf when he was still in the nursery.

He always shied away from him and stayed quiet which older warriors would scold him for " being rude" and having bad manners. Being only a kit he didn't have a way to voice why Thistleclaw's actions made him so uncomforable especially because he was not the one who Thistleclaw seeked and Spottedkit was equally blind and naive to his words and actions.

The only one who even seemed to dislike or see past it was Bluestar who had been very uncomfortable and on edge since Thistleclaw and her shared a nursery. But everyone dismissed since they always seemed to butt heads for apparently no reason.

After Spottedpaw become a medicine cat apprentice a just days after Thistleclaw died she broke down and admitted to Redtail the fearful truth of the so called relationship she found herself at only six moons old with the senior warrior.

Redtail spent the night curled up around his sister who cried herself into a carthatic sleep. He stayed awake the entire night unable to sleep at the realization of what his littermate had to live through and suffer alone and how Thistleclaw had gotten away with it, died a " hero" fighting the clan while the cats he hurt were forced to move on and carry their wounds silently.

The next night during patrol he told Bluefur what he learned and he swore that while he may be young and Thistleclaw may have never paid for his actions he would devote himself to protecting the clan and ensuring that Thistleclaw's philosophy and beliefs or any cat with similar stances would follow through as long as he was alive.

It was this vow why Bluestar made Redtail her deputy.

10. Redtail watched his grandkits and great grandkit as a wandering spirit outside of Starclan.

He was there when Squirrelpaw chose to follow Brambleclaw onto the the Great Journey.

He was there when Leafpool cried as he sister and her best friend Sorreltail started to have mates and even kits and realizing she was becoming distant.

He was there when Lionblaze was at his snapping considering to kill Heathertail after the tunnels.

He whispered " Remember Lionblaze the taking of one's life is something you cannot shake so react wisely"

And Hollyleaf, he was there quiet and watchful by the lake as she took Ashfur after the later tried to murder her and her littermaters in a fire.

He was strict on the side of Starclan that believed that Ashfur should not be allowed. However he bitterly not surprised that one again a cat with the clear intent given the chance to murder was allowed.

In usual Redtail the Renegade manner he would leave small gifts and used Hollyleaf's strong connection and faith in Starclan to whisper encouragement and hope her while she slept.

[softlywithhissong]

ks ch 52 reaction & analysis

um...

This one... hit way too close to home. I’m gonna try and find some way to express my reaction and analysis...

But I need to warn you. I’m probably going to overshare here. This chapter was like a gut punch. It confirmed my worst fears and brought up a lot of feelings regarding my own personal childhood trauma, issues, PTSD, and continuing struggle to... have some semblance of peace of mind.

So... let me start by explaining why the previous glimpses of Sangwoo’s mom sent a chill through me. Women are capable of being abusive too.

It wasn’t really understandable to me what was wrong with my own mother until I was in my late 20s. Not that long ago. It’s only recently that I gained some knowledge and perspective that leads me to understand that my mother struggled with mental health problems that could have (and should have) been diagnosed earlier (but weren’t) along with her own childhood trauma and issues.

My mom’s mother (my grandmother) is an abusive and manipulative person. She is emotionally and verbally abusive and she was physically abusive.

My mom married my dad in her 20s and had me and my younger sister. Then she had a... delusional break with reality when I was 7 years old and my sister was 3. When putting us to bed, she suddenly dragged both my sister and I to the car (unbeknownst to my dad in the other room) and drove off screaming and crying with me and my sister screaming and crying in the backseat. (I have PTSD flashbacks and start crying uncontrollably now when I feel a little rushed from home at night. Even if it’s to go on a planned family vacation.)

1. The Oh family is in the car on their way back from a family trip. And it’s adorable. The dad is being a good dad with Sangwoo so far and he’s the one that shares a resemblance with Sangwoo again. Either Koogi drastically changed how Sangwoo’s dad is drawn or the abusive dad is a different guy. A different “dad”. Remember: one unidentified male body was found at the house while Sangwoo’s dad’s body was by all indications driven up to the mountains and buried by Sangwoo and his mom.

2. The mom is mentally somewhere else and slow to respond. Which has me scared. The dad gets her attention and is clearly making an effort to spend quality time with his family. “I’ve been too busy to take care of you two,” he says. Was this an early warning that he knows she needs looking after and can’t be trusted alone with Sangwoo? She agrees to another trip. The dad asks, “Really?” He blushes in excitement. This guy is looking to her for consent to vacation plans, which reinforces my suspicions that this is not the same guy as the abuser. As busy as his job might make him, the dad makes clear to his coworker/boss (and us, the reader) that time with his family is his first priority, so his responses to work-related stuff might be delayed.

3. The mom goes upstairs into Sangwoo’s room and closes the door behind her. Oh god. What she’s about to do is premeditated. She tries to smother Sangwoo to death with a pillow. Ugh. So, it’s not just abuse, but attempted murder. WHY, EUNSEO, WHY? “Looks like we won’t get to go on another trip again.” REALLY? Ugh! And the dad finally discovers what’s going on and stops her. But how long was Sangwoo oxygen deprived? This and the trauma of his mom trying to kill him definitely contributed to Sangwoo’s emotional issues. He scratched her trying to get her to stop, so he was definitely aware enough to know what just happened. She begs forgiveness and says she is “really sick right now.”

This hurts. We know based on previous chapters (and the rest of this one) that Sangwoo’s mom’s mental health is a continuing problem. Which is sadly realistic. She’s not just “really sick right now.” She’s not going to stop being sick. She’ll have some good days but she’ll also likely have more episodes. Her issues seem to go beyond possible post-partum depression. I was 7 when I first witnessed my mom have a full on delusion-filled break with reality and she has had multiple more episodes since. She drove us in the middle of the night to her old friend from school’s house and fervently claimed that our dad was THE devil - not based on anything he’d done or said and not just claiming he was bad but she believed he was Satan (for real) and forced us to pray frantically with her on the way there, with this friend, and later (once this clearly freaked out friend urged my mom to go to her parents house) with my grandparents. Including my grandmother who stoked this religious fervor. My mom claimed our reality of events wasn’t right and she was actually with some other guy. This was delusion. A recurring delusional fixation. This other guy didn’t know she existed. Unfortunately, even though my dad tried to figure out what was going on and work out whatever had gone wrong (at this point, people thought it was a relationship related breakdown), things devolved into a long and drawn out messy custody battle and divorce. So we went back and forth between my dad’s place and my grandparents house, where my grandmother started physically abusing my baby sister. Which I told anyone who would listen about, including CPS (who did nothing) and my mom (who would brush it off and think more about how it would hurt her custody case) and my dad (who fought harder for custody, but the courts favor the mother even when she can’t provide a safe environment). Long story short, we ended up ferried back and forth every week (split custody) until my dad got me a car and after another incident of abuse, I packed my sister and I up and refused our ever again living in the same house with our grandmother. My mother has had several severe delusional episodes since which has led to brief institution stays, including a hysterical pregnancy (where it’s psychosomatic and all in her head). Yeah. So, the whole family keeps an eye out now for any signs of “off” behavior. Including some “mercy killing” talk which scared the fuck out of me.

This is why unreliable narrators scare me. My dad was the parent we were safest with. Delusions distort the perception of reality and mix everything up.

So things could be really distorted in Killing Stalking.

4. Things to note: The kitchen used to have a rug. Sangwoo’s mom is physically abusive (the murder attempt), negligent (doesn’t have any idea whether her son went to school or not), and emotionally manipulative and abusive. “Dad’ll get mad if he finds out I’m sick.” Did she poison him? Is this a Munchhausen Syndrome thing? Or another murder attempt?

5. Sangwoo cringes when she says, “I love you.” She said “I love you” to the guy she’s cheating with too. Now, every “I love you” Sangwoo hears is suspect. This is devastating. Not only does this emotionally cripple him, it hurts any potential relationships and trust he could have had with anyone else. Explains a lot. Cue the maladjusted psyche.

6. Oh god. Emotional manipulation. “You believe your lying dad more than me.” This hurts too. I’ve heard a variation of this. It’s pushing you to choose a parent. And the sad fact is - he shouldn’t believe her. She lies. She’s mentally unstable. And she says, “Come down to the first floor at 12.” Which,

THEORY: leads me to believe she and this guy she’s been cheating with are going to kill Sangwoo’s real dad (the one buried in the mountain), replace him with the new “dad” who will become abusive - the “dad” Sangwoo will eventually kill (the unidentified male body), and who knows what happens to her! Does she just leave? And consistently request “Killing Me Softly” to be played on a certain radio station at a certain time?

[ediebirdette]

OK, the baby’s here: Now where the bloody hell have I gone?!

Nobody can really explain what it’s like. Losing yourself when you have a baby, that is. 

I remember one of my favourite bloggers saying she didn’t feel fully back to herself for a year after her first son was born. In my naive, first-trimester state, I thought this was ludicrous, and my heart ached for her. How terrible it seemed to me that she’d suffered through the dreaded “baby fog” for that long. And voila, here I am, having walked around with the same black cloud over my head for as long as my baby has been in my arms: six testing, arduous, beautiful months.

Days after giving birth, I marvelled at how flat my stomach was. I’ve never had a completely flat stomach, much to my teenage self’s dismay, and never will. It’s just not something the women in my family have ever got out of the gene pool. I remember finally the finding the courage to look at my body in the mirror, and I was met with the slimmest version of myself since I was sixteen and post first heartbreak. I’d carried small, often mistaken for barely far along or not pregnant at all, but I wasn’t expecting to suddenly be in a body so different. I think it was this unforeseen revelation that had me in knee high boots, a floral dress and my leather jacket five days post-partum. I wrongly thought I’d bounced back* and that I’d spend my days of early motherhood with make up applied, sporting something from the drawer of mumsy but vintage-style dresses, pushing along my tiny new baby in his trendy Cosatto buggy. I did that, for that day, with my boyfriend and parents in tow. People marvelled at how good I looked considering my baby was so new. One woman even spat, “how dare you look like that!” at me in a lift when I told her how long I’d been out of hospital. But low and behold, my rose tinted strength and put togetherness soon dissolved, and I felt like I’d been hit straight in the face (and vagina) by a bus going over the speed limit.

Many things came as a shock. I stopped writing, I read people’s texts and left them unanswered, I became obsessed with doing the laundry and keeping the house clean and arguing with my boyfriend over it because it was the only bloody thing in my life I had control over. I was suddenly hyperaware of the way I sounded and acted around people. I felt flat and boring and sad, so I just hid. I’d gone from an easygoing, social butterfly who liked to write and just happened to be carrying a baby, to the opposite as soon as he was out of my body. Now, I was aware of some of the changes that would occur: the lack of sleep, the nappies, the hours spent breastfeeding, the lack of sex. Concerning the latter, it came as no surprise to me that my sex life did change. Apart from a pregnancy scare when Teddy was six weeks old (eek!), the sex drive I had pre-pregnancy decided to disappear during my third trimester and didn’t return with the same vigour it once had. The combination of leaking boobs, a baby who may wake at any moment and physical and mental exhaustion doesn’t exactly get me in the mood. Sleep is all I can think about most of the time, and since month number four came along and threw all good sleeping habits out of the window, I’m lucky if I get more than a couple of hours at a time, or spend any of it without the baby in our bed.

As a young woman, who adores pin-up style and expressing her sexuality (I will return to burlesque one of these days), I know that I rest a lot on how attractive people find me. Too much. Losing sight of myself post-partum has turned me into a paranoid, insecure, warped version of myself who regularly dreams about being cheated on and thinks her boyfriend would rather sleep with every single other woman than her, especially the ones whose photos he likes on Instagram. Having him tell me he “isn’t that bothered” about my boobs (even though I get it, he’s right in saying they do belong to the baby right now) and the confidence scales in me tip all the way over. On more than one occasion, I have burst into tears just from looking at myself in the mirror. To say I don’t like the way I look would be a colossal understatement (yay!). 

However, talking about this often leaves me feeling riddled with guilt or like my worries are vain and trivial. Yes, I KNOW I grew a human and pushed it out and my body did an amazing, incredible, wondrous thing. I just don’t like looking at it. So much of the conversation is around the baby who is now in the world, and how this little blessing should make up for all of the negative, sad, dark feelings you have about yourself and your new way of life. When you give your all (and then some) to a tiny little human who relies on you for everything, at all hours of the day and night, you lose sight of yourself and what you need. Suddenly, the needs for another need to be tended to, but what I didn’t realise is just how much more love and attention I needed, and still need, from others but also myself. PSA: Asking for help as a new mum is so, so important, and I really haven’t done enough of it. I keep all these feelings close to my chest and just expect people to pick up on it (and buy me Lush bath bombs).

I know I’ll be back soon. There will be a day, or probably a series of days (or weeks) where I’ll feel a little more like me, and I’ll look back at this period in my life as something that defines the woman I’ll go onto be. I’ve never been afraid of getting lost within myself, because I enjoy the discovery and reinvention required to get back to that happy place of self acceptance. I’m returning to work at the end of next month, I’ve made the decision to stop breastfeeding exclusively once I’m back so I have my boobs back and a little more time for myself (YAY!), I’m going to put my feet back in a pair of trainers and move my body more, and the words “let’s actually start dance lessons” have been heard coming out of my boyfriend’s mouth (now THAT gets me in the mood). 

One step at a time. (Baby steps, if you will.)

*FYI, I don’t think us mothers bounce back. We don’t retreat into who we were before, as that’s impossible now that we’ve gone through this huge, beautiful life-altering change. Maybe we transcend forward. I think that’s much better.

Left photo from back when I was newly twenty-one, and very much the social butterfly.

[pieralleluniverse-blog]

This is how mothers slay every single day. #TheRealSlayQueens

"Everything has changed and yet, I am more me than I've ever been.”

Here's a frequently asked post partum question that I get lately:

"Buntis ka ba?"

Of course I'm not. A new baby is not coming out anytime soon. Not in the next three years at least.

But with my futile attempts to lose all the pounds I gained after giving birth, the not so subtle citizens have varying degrees of concern over my present figure, or the lack of it.

Either I was super skinny back then that it still shocks people to see me now or I'm just currently humongous.

Admittedly, I have not committed to any diet plan or physical regimen to shake off the baby flabs. It was tough since for 29 years of my existence, I never felt the need to measure the amount of food I eat nor to deprive myself of indulging into sinful gastronomic treats. There were days when I gloated about feeling bloated and squishy but my metabolism had better coping mechanism then.

NOW, I'm stuck to size 32 with a constantly there double chin and I have a giant meat ball stuck inside my lower abdominal area.

On good days, it really doesn't bother me knowing that I'm actually making progress. I look at the mirror and I don't see Dumbo staring right back at me.

But it's a completely different paradigm when you are forced to see yourself reflected in the amused and in some instances extremely surprised looks of other people.

You'd rather ignore the mirror but you can't resist taking a peek to seek either reinforcement of your own judgment or a hurtful affirmation of the alternative truth.

There would be times when I'd feel sadly melancholic about how I used to look like and how I used to comfortably fit in any clothes I felt like wearing. To humor myself, I labeled it as the golden days of being THAT GIRL NEXT DOOR. Now no more.

Guesd what, I didn't choose to end up looking like THIS.. I had a rough pregnancy and my sole concern was to get through it safely and to give birth to a healthy baby. I had no beauty regimen. Surviving a day without getting dehydrated or nauseous was already a struggle. Worrying about stretch marks and weight gain weren't part of the itinerary. Until I had to deal with them.

This in addition to almost a year without getting a haircut or hair treatment, a much-needed foot spa and a well-deserved wardrobe upgrade. I had a rough 9 months and a quarter of post partum depression. But self-pampering was still in the bottom of my to-do list.

I have a baby to take care of, a job to get back to and my sanity to gradually regain. The entirely new world of motherhood knocked me off my orbit and it took me some time to find my balance. The entire process needs a separate post to elaborate.

Anyway, with everything that needs to be done every single day as a working mom, forgive me if it's a sin to choose feeling better instead of looking good. That I choose to make sure that my daughter gets everything she needs and I am constantly with her as much as my schedule permits instead of hitting the gym or concocting magical protein shakes or tweaking my diet that may leave me less physically charged to attend to an active 1-year old kid who recently discovered the joys of marching around the house and throwing things.

Did I just rant? I guess I did.

In case people have not noticed, I am taking my time. I maybe guilty of slacking off or procrastinating on my plan to have a healthier lifestyle but I will get there.

I just don't want to be put in a place in which my physical appearance gets more attention than my efforts to be the best mother that I can be for my daughter.

I thank you.🖤

[elbertjames]

We finally let our guard down to let Spence hold baby Chase. He’s such a proud big brother. Been asking since he’s been home if he could hold Chase but again we’re over protective af.

It’s definitely been a busy past couple of days. We did thanksgiving with James mom/family on Saturday. And we’re all kind of paying the price because his sister just couldn’t keep her sick family at home. Like the other brothers family did. And now Waylon and I both have awful colds. Luckily it’s not Chase tho. Either way it’s still shitty to go around a newborn while sick and also to not explain boundaries to your kids around said newborn.

People are strange tho.

James and I are still rather hit and miss. He claims he just has a lot going on but I don’t know what I believe. Except that I feel single almost from the lack of attention.

And today we had to deal with stupid CPS which I knew was inevitable because they come everytime we have a baby, even when the baby doesn’t get to come home with his parents. Mostly over a stupid plant that’s legal in most states that I use to help eat and control my anxiety. But my anxiety and depression also happen to be a reason for their visit. And to make sure our kids are safe. Uh we have 3 living children. Our oldest being 7. I’m pretty sure we know what we’re doing. We only lost Nolan to a freak accident. Nothing I did. But still beyond shitty because there are worse parents out there, doing harder drugs and abusing their families. And here I am with the devils lettuce. And a mental condition I cannot control.

Which on its own is ridiculous. This is why people don’t seek help. You lecture everyone about the dangerous of post partum depression then treat them like criminals if they admit they are struggling mentally. It’s a fucking medical attention. Just like being diabetic wouldn’t make you a bad parent.

Anywhoo this definitely doesn’t help the issues that are already there between J and I. Deep down I know he blames me and wants to scream “I told you” in my face. In fact he spent most of his night away in the shed again.

And I’m not sure why I let it get to me. People outgrown things and other people. It happens. Sucks is an understatement but it does tend to happen. Maybe it’s time I accept the truth.

On that note tho. About to lay back down before Chase let’s me. Then a semi busy day for me. Really need to get to Meijer. Really hating having the babies out in cold temps.

Blah blah blah. I’m cold. Sweaty. And tired.

[donaldresslerfanfic]

Split.

Rating: M

Warnings: Strong Language, Sexual Content.

Word Count: 2265

Donald Ressler X OC Maggie Waters.

Chapter: Thirty Two.

Chapter Index

Story on Wattpad

Maggie.

I didn't know if we were still dating, I didn't asked him, I didn't wanted to talk to him. I left the office with tears still trying to escape my eyes.

I got back to my place and turned on the TV. The news broadcast was still staying that they needed Liz for questioning, some man I didn't care about was giving a speech about some conspiracy and some shadow government.

I didn't have anything else to do. If anything went according to plan, Raymond should be hiding underground. He couldn't leave the city. I had no more projects to work on, and if I did I wasn't in the mood.

I packed a little bag and got my things in my car, making sure to turn everything off in the house and locking the door on my way out. I got in my car and drove.

Since I couldn't take a flight straight to my sister's and I couldn't drive 6 hours to her house, I spent almost 2 hours trying to leave DC. When I finally made it out and ended in Delaware, I left my car in the airport in Wilmington and took a plane to Rhode Island.

When I got to my sister's place just before lunch I really couldn't hold in the fact that things were not okay, and my sister could see right through me. I walked into her place and the fact that I had not given her a warning I was coming made her worry more.

"I'm impressed you actually made it out of DC, things are a nightmare over there"

"Tell my about it" I said unenthusiastically. I plopped down in the couch in front of her TV. She was holding my baby nephew who was almost 6 months old. She sat down next to me and looked straight into my eyes.

"Maggie what happened?" She asked serious.

I just shrugged and sighed

"Donald and I had a fight"

"And you left the state" she concluded with a tone on her voice like it was a logical reaction. I just nodded "What was the fight about?" She asked. I rolled my eyes and leaned to hold Nathan

"That's not important" I gave the little one a kiss on the cheek. We heard the front door open, Ethan must've been out getting my nieces from school.

"Did you see baby? He's taken hostages in a dinner" Ethan walked with Ella on his arms, Maddie turned the TV on to the news broadcasting the hostage situation in a dinner. I recognized the building, it was Chui's. I frowned and tried to listen attentively.

"-where the most elusive fugitive in the history of the Federal Bureau of Investigation Raymond Reddington has taken this local dinner, we believe there are at least 20 citizens taken hostage, and he's in the company of the Russian terrorist and ex FBI agent Elizabeth Keen"

"What are you doing here?" I heard Ethan ask. I looked behind me and gave Ella a little smile. Ethan was looking at me also worried.

"Don has been assigned to that case" I pointed at the TV. "I don't think I'll be seeing much of him" I turned and continued to look at the screen. Ethan said something about Don but I didn't hear him, I was focused thinking.

He wasn't supposed to be out, he was supposed to be underground until he could leave the city, Chui's place was the contingency plan of the contingency plan. What went wrong?

Donald must've chased him out of hiding. That's what happened. Don was a lot more perceptive now. He had been with me for a while, he must've known how to find the hidden basement.

Don was a smart contender, and Raymond would be a fool to underestimate him. The thing was that I hadn't mapped out the truth in Chui's place, so the persuit would probably end as soon as Raymond leaves the dinner. Unless someone tips him off, Raymond will be out of the country by the end of the night.

Ressler.

"Get the word out there. They're in the wind and we're back to step one" I said to Aram. I gave Samar a quick look before I walked past her.

This had been a long, long day. First the AG, then, the persuit, the city gets blocked off, the basement in the bar, the Russian embassy, the dinner. All of that in just one day.

And then there was Maggie. I must admit I was tremendously mad when I saw all the files in the desk. All of then staring back at me, they represented a joke, a lie.

Then again, it had also been me who told Maggie "you'll tell us the right thing at the right time". She had, and it blew back on her face. That fight we had in my office had been pointless. We couldn't be apart, not now that things were out for grabs, I didn't know if this Cabal was as powerful as they said, but I couldn't risk having Maggie in danger.

I went to her place late at night, past dinner time. I was confused as in why all the lights in her house were out, she usually left the porch light on. Then, my confusion increased when I heard the deafening silence around. I walked upstairs, her bedroom door was open, I walked in and saw everything neatly folded. I opened a few drawers and noticed some clothing missing.

My suspicions confirmed themselves when I opened her door to the side of the garage and found it empty. She was gone.

I fished my phone from my pocket and dialed. Her phone rang a few times before the voice mail hit me. I called again, straight to voice mail this time. I tsked my tongue and quickly typed.

"Where are you?"

I waited a few seconds, I watched her chat give her away when she went onlone. She didn't reply me. I typed again.

"Maggie answer me where are you?"

"You care?"

She probably didn't write back mockingly, but that's how I read it. Like "what? You care now?"

"Yes I care Maggie. Tell me you're okay. Again, where are you we need to talk this out"

She didn't reply for a while, but she was still online. I sighed and walked to the living room, sitting alone in the couch.

"Answer my call"

I exited the app and dialed her again. This time she picked up.

"I'm at my sister's house" she instantly said.

"Why are you there? Why did you leave Mags?"

"What do you mean why did I leave? I left because you told me we were done"

"Mags" I sighed, rubbing my forehead with my fingers "I was angry, angry at the situation. Angry at everything, Maggie Liz killed the Attorney General, I let her walk away for her to do that. I'm complicit in this case, I don't know where they are now. You can't blame me for being mad"

"I'm not, I knew what I did was wrong. But I was stupidly hoping you would understand"

I sighed, closing my eyes again and throwing my head back on the couch, I was exhausted. Maggie was the one who slowed me down after a tough day.

"Come back" I said lowly, Maggie remained silent on the other side "I'm sorry Maggie I mistreated you. I need you here"

"It's the fridge" she said, I frowned and straightened on the couch.

"What are you talking about?"

"In the dinner, the fridge it's the way out. I excavated down almost two levels down, the tunnel ends in about a block, then exits in a alleyway with immediate road connection. There are other passageways in the tunnel that I didn't built, but connected just in case, I don't know where they end up"

So that's how they got away. I had my team dismantle the dinner, but I think Maggie would've been careful enough to not let them be found.

"Come back" I repeated, dismissing what she told me. I needed her back.

"I'm not doing this, whatever this is going to be." I could hear her voice breaking, this was probably hurting her more than it was hurting me. But damn me, I felt lonely. "You do your job and get Liz, and when you stop what you're doing I'll come back"

"Maggie please-" dial tone. She hung up. I watched the screen tell me how much our call had lasted, then I pressed the home button to look at her stare back at me from my phone screen.

The tip Maggie gave me actually turned out to be helpful and fresh. I chased him down to Ohio and on the way uncovered a world hunger crisis.

But after that, he was gone in the wind again.

While on my way to DC I purchased a ticket to Rhode Island to get Maggie back. I went home, changed clothes and left again. I needed to be back soon, so I didn't pack anything.

An hour or so later I was standing in front of Maddie's house. I knocked on the door, Maddie showed up on the side glass next to the door before properly opening it. She scanned me up and down quickly, then left. A few seconds later Ethan showed up, opening the door and exiting before letting me in.

"Listen, Don." He crossed his arms at his chest "I have a baby boy with colics and he's starting teething, my wife I'm pretty sure she's having some post partum depression thing and I found out yesterday that my seven year old has a boyfriend, despite all that, I can totally make a bit of space to beat the shit out of you if you make my sister in law cry."

I scoffed with a bit of humor and shook my head.

"I'm here for Maggie, we just had a fight and I wasn't expecting her to run off like she did. I want her back and this will pass. We're in a complicated thing and we're still trying to figure it out. I don't know what she told you-"

"She told us your guy's fight was none of our business, and granted it isn't. But I've witnessed first hand Maggie's shitty relationships. I don't want to see her like I have before ever again"

I nodded, and Ethan opened the door.

I gave Maddie a thankful nod, she was holding and swaying Nathan around.

"Second door upstairs, she's cleaning up the girls' room"

I nodded and walked upstairs. When I got to the second door, Maggie was with her back to me, picking up clothes from the floor. I walked in and closed the door. Maggie turned around and stood there, then she frowned at me, leaving the clothes on the bed.

"What are you doing here?" She asked. I walked to her, but she took a little step back. That hurt.

I looked to the side and walked to the bed instead, sitting on it

"You weren't coming back and we still need to talk."

"Do we?" She asked, her eyes leaving mine and picking up some more clothes from the floor.

"Yes, we do Mags. Listen" I leaned in and extended my hand to grab hers. She didn't pull back from my hold, so I  pulled her to sit with me. Reluctantly she did, and once she was sitting my hand didn't let hers go "we were both wrong. We both had out faults and you accepted yours, and like you said, you chose me but I didn't chose you."

She looked at me out of the corner of her eye and sighed. But then she frowned and looked straight at me

"What are you doing here?"

I frowned at her and shook my head a bit.

"I'm here to take you back home Mags I miss you"

"No" she shook her head "I mean here in the states. Didn't you guys figure out the tunnels and where they led? I mean I didn't say it but I made it a little obvious"

"Yeah, to the Baltimore dock. They did left, but turned around. Caught up to them in Ohio"

She frowned even more

"Ohio? What the hell is in Ohio?"

"Some Cabal related organization. Maggie" I returned back to out previous conversation. Reddington could wait "Maggie I'm sorry, I know it was a poor choice of words when I said we were done" she was going to take her eyes from mine again, but my hand shot up to cup her cheek. She looked down, escaping my gaze. "I chose you today Mags"

She let out a huff through her nose and looked up at me.

"Maggie come on" I pleaded. She looked up at me and gave me a twist of her lips.

"Raymond might need my help, where does that leave us?"

"I'm don't want to think about that now."

I leaned in, pressing my forehead to hers, looking down at her lips. Maggie let out a soft sigh and whispered

"Fine" I leaned forward and kissed her, I'd missed those lips, how soft, sometimes demanding, how she sometimes slipped a bit of tongue or how she sometimes ended with a little lip bite. I held her by the waist and pulled her close, leaning back on the bed and pulling her over me.

That night, I was lucky enough to hold my girl to sleep, and granted a needed it. I needed her.

[jeramymobley]

Employee Engagement: 5 Questions With Limeade CEO Henry Albrecht

Forbes predicted 2018 would be the year of employee experience, and the rise of smart platforms like Limeade indicate that companies are ready to invest in the well-being of their employees to drive business growth. Most leaders recognize the value of their human resources teams, but some struggle to put programs in place to attract, retain, and foster talent.

At its core, Limeade is an employee engagement company based on the integration of five solutions (well-being, employee engagement, inclusion, social recognition and HR programs). builds great places to work by improving well-being and strengthening workplace culture.

As the name indicates, Limeade aims to serve up something positive and refreshing for both employees and companies—while staying grounded in data. Driven by insights from its eponymous institute, Limeade offers concrete metrics for measuring employee engagement, burn out and more. Additionally, the company can track the metrics that matter most to the business’s performance, fully connecting the ROI where it counts.

With partnerships from big players like Microsoft and Fitbit, Limeade is committed in its effort to help people bring their hearts and minds to work and to create companies that care. CEO Henry Albrecht came to the HLTH 2018 Conference in Las Vegas because of the unique pressures and demands on our healthcare workforce. We had a chance to chat more about the Limeade brand experience and why investing in your employees’ well-being is so crucial- especially in healthcare.

I read in an interview you did that “you can’t make every customer happy.” How do you “vet” potential customers and choose your partners?

It’s always tempting to take the big deals that help you hit your numbers in the short term, but in the last two years we have been much stronger at qualifying opportunities. Like in any relationship, if you start out headed in slightly different directions, it’s only pain for everybody. Limeade helps to create the kind of culture where well-being is in every touchpoint, and all the players—your manager, your team, your leadership—all see the connection of well-being.

Ultimately, we ask ourselves, is this company on the same journey we want to create for its employees? Are they on a journey to where everyone feels included, and there are no glass ceilings, even if that means a hit to short-term profitability? Do they believe well-being is the key to more innovation? Even if they are just starting that journey, maybe with physical well-being or financial well-being, as long as they want to get there, then they are a great customer.

Sometimes we sell to companies that don’t have a perfect culture- but perhaps they have had a change in leadership and the new leadership is embracing a different way of being. We want to leave ourselves open to pleasant surprises, but if we just don’t see any path to that in the next few years, we won’t do the deal.

We love reminiscing about the past decade – but even better? Looking forward to what's next! #Limeade10 #InsideLimeade #AnythingIsPossible

A post shared by Limeade (@insidelimeade) on Dec 15, 2016 at 10:39am PST

How would you describe the Limeade brand experience for the consumer?

First, we put the employee at the center of attention and call this “whole-person well-being.” We want to treat that person, not as a “health silo” or “financial silo,” but holistically: physical, emotional, financial and work. We ask what they care about and present things in meaningful and relevant ways.

Second, we also have to connect the whole ecosystem around them. We need to know: What type of worker are you? What sort of programs or benefits are going to be most relevant for you? Do you have post-partum depression or are you a worker with low back pain, or are you a new manager who doesn’t have training on how to be a great manager?

Finally, we connect the program to “whole company” initiatives and priorities. How does your manager treat you? How do your teams and peers make employee engagement, well-being, and inclusion everyday topics? How do you get the flywheel of feeling cared for turning faster? At the end of the day, we want to have people feel like they are part of a community, that they are cared for, and that they love going to work every day. That’s what employee engagement is. It’s a deep emotional connection and sense of purpose at work.

From a brand perspective, our job is to create that mutual sense of commitment. We help companies commit to their people because when they do that, they get the commitment back. And at the end of the day whether they know the program comes from Limeade or not, we know our business success is tied to the loyalty that employees have to their employers.

I think of a great culture very similar to the way I think about a great brand—it’s built at every touch point in every communication. It’s what people say about you when you’re not listening.

Happy 10th anniversary to us! Lots to look forward to in the next 10 #Limeade10 #InsideLimeade #AnythingIsPossible

A post shared by Limeade (@insidelimeade) on Dec 13, 2016 at 1:23pm PST

What kinds of metrics are you tracking to indicate better company engagement, health, and potential impact on business performance?

We think two of the things that are most relevant to business performance are employee engagement and employee retention (or turnover). And we believe well-being is the upstream predictor of these things. Now, we also look at metrics on an individual client-basis, like same store sales, patient outcomes, and other business metrics that may be crucial to their particular performance.

The wellness industry, as it’s been practiced, has failed, and not from a lack of good intentions or cool technology, but rather because of a lack of relevance to the business. Well-being can’t just be a “nice to have.” It needs to be connected to C-suite level initiatives that are driving the business forward. Additionally, it needs to connect to what’s emotional in people’s work every day. Even if you have access to a website that helps you improve something in your life, if you go back to work and your boss is a jerk and there’s no flexibility to innovate in a company, then it’s irrelevant.

Do you think all company leaders, whether in healthcare or not, have a responsibility for employee well-being?

Research from the Limeade Institute shows that leaders are the third most important driver of this feeling of support. The 2nd most important one is access to resources and tools. And the single most important driver of employee well-being is the direct manager or supervisor. So leaders absolutely play an important role, but they are not the only factor.

Having said that, the most important responsibility leadership has is to the success of the business. We know when you invest in people’s well-being, and they are more engaged at work, they deliver better business results. By that measure, then absolutely leaders have a responsibility in a fiduciary sense to engage in their employees. Whether they have a moral responsibility is harder to dictate. It would be a great world if everyone cared about each other all the time, but independent of that, companies can make strategic investments in their business success through well-being.

Our programs uncover insights and drive action for issues like burnout, for example. When we consider healthcare, we hear from the leaders of some of the largest health systems and hospitals in the world, the #1 business challenge they face is attracting and retaining high quality caregivers. It’s a highly stressful job. And when you have to replace or can’t find people to fill these roles, not only does your business suffer but the patient outcomes suffer as well.

We think of burnout as an organizational virus that targets the most committed employees. It’s a virus because it’s contagious. And there’s science behind this. One or two burned-out people can impact the whole team, and when they leave that has a negative snowball effect. In our studies, we look at look at the root causes. We look at employee engagement and well-being, and burnout sits right at the intersection because it has elements of stress, organizational support, and loving or hating your job.

There’s a cycle—energy depletion, cynicism, inefficacy—and suddenly you’re not delivering the outcomes you’re capable of because of how you feel. And, inevitably, there’s turnover. We added a new burnout component to our engagement dashboard. It’s an indicator that uses machine learning to indicate where people are most at risk for burning out in your organization. It’s not only an analytics tool, but also triggers actions to help reduce burnout.

You came to HLTH to speak about “Owning the Employee Experience.” What’s your message?

While Limeade serves all industries, here we’re talking about our focus on the healthcare employee. It’s a tough time to be a caregiver with all the technological change, policy change and 24/7 pressure. We wanted to provide representation and give a voice to the people who don’t always come to these conferences.

We’re hearing a lot about all the amazing new tools and innovations out there- telemedicine, retail health, genomics, AI. And we do need more touch points in health. But think about it. People spend 10, 12 hours a day at work—and there are thousands of touch points every day we can optimize to impact well-being, and ultimately, someone’s health and happiness.

Nicole Diamant is head of communications for InterbrandHealth. Get more insights in our Q&A series and subscribe to our newsletter for more.

The post Employee Engagement: 5 Questions With Limeade CEO Henry Albrecht appeared first on brandchannel:.

[ulrichfoester]

6 Things to Do When You Are Struggling with Life

Who hasn’t found themselves pummeled by life on occasion? Life is a mixed bag, comprised of lovely, joy-filled moments and some very difficult losses and disappointments. Each day we may wake up to daunting new challenges, or be bathed in blessings. How we chose to balance those two realities of life will factor into our overall wellness, but especially our mental health.

When you are struggling with life, it helps to have some helpful strategies that can fuel you through a difficult patch. Using this proactive approach is highly preferable to the alternative, which is finding yourself frozen in self-pity or negativity. It is totally appropriate, of course, to spend some time wallowing when experiencing a downturn in life, but you don’t want to get stuck there. Knowing some actions that can help you bounce back will assist with moving forward and getting to the other side of the struggle.

Sometimes, however, there is a larger obstacle involved, such as a depressive disorder or an anxiety disorder that is preventing your ability to rebound from a negative life event. When a mental health disorder causes symptoms that keep you struggling with life on a daily basis, it is time to see a therapist who can offer some guidance. Both depression and anxiety are highly manageable when you apply the tools that a licensed therapist can provide.

6 Things You Can Do When You are Struggling with Life

Not knowing what to do when a bout of the blues hits can be very disconcerting. The same thing applies to stressful situations that trigger feelings of fear and worry. Having some useful strategies for managing stress and emotions will come in handy as we navigate the bumpy road of life. Here are 6 useful tips:

Pamper yourself. Sometimes a little self-pampering can go a long way. Self-care during a rough patch in life may not even appear on your radar, but it should be a priority. By tending to your wellness, through such things as getting a therapeutic massage, taking baths with aromatherapy, filling the room with soothing music, or cooking yourself delicious but healthy meals, can make a tremendous difference in your attitude and outlook.

Choose to let go of your story. It is common to latch onto a challenging time emotionally, meaning that you begin to find solace in your unhappiness. It becomes your story, what you identify with and want to present to others. The sad person to whom life has done wrong. Break free from that negative narrative and rewrite your story with a hopeful, positive plot.

Take charge. Instead of passively waiting for life to improve, why not help the process along by taking control of your quality of life? Take responsibility for your own happiness by making necessary changes that will improve the situation, if it is something within your power to change. This empowers you and takes you from being a victim to circumstances to being in control of your destiny.

Set new goals. Sometimes just setting fresh new goals will help you move through a tough period in life. Focusing outward toward new aspirations instead of dwelling on the current difficult situation helps you to keep moving forward. Set some new short term and long-term goals, such as learning a new skill or planning a trip or learning a second language, and make a plan for achieving them.

Get active. Even though you may not be in the state of mind where you want to exercise, try to battle through that and do it anyway. Exercise is incredibly beneficial to our mental health. Try to incorporate some form of exercise or physical activity into each day, even if it is just a 15-minute walk, and you will begin to see your mood improve.

Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness can be woven into your daily life and accessed whenever you feel yourself drifting back into negative thought patterns. Mindfulness involves training yourself to redirect your thought distractions back toward the present moment. By teaching yourself to pay close attention to the sensory experience, such as what you can feel, smell, hear, and touch, while engaging in focused breathing you will reach a state of relaxation.

Am I Just Struggling with Life or is it a Mental Health Disorder?

Everyone goes through ups and downs in life. We all experience negative events from time to time, such as relationship problems, loss of a job, health issues, financial setbacks, and loss of a loved one. These are the unavoidable casualties of being on the planet. Any of these events can lead to feelings of sadness or stress, but when the emotional symptoms do not ease up after so many weeks a mental health disorder has possibly developed. Get to know the signs and symptoms of some of the most common mood disorders so you will recognize when it is time to get some professional help:

ANXIETY DISORDER

The anxiety spectrum of disorders includes:

Generalized anxiety disorder: Features constant excessive worry for much of the day, resulting in headaches, muscle tension, nausea, and trouble concentrating. GAD is the most prevalent form of anxiety in the U.S.

Panic disorder: Sudden and unpredictable feelings of terror, causing heart palpitations, chest tightness, shortness of breath, and dizziness. Many who experience panic disorder become isolated to avoid having another panic attack.

Specific phobias: Irrational fear of a specific thing, place, or situation. To manage this fear, the individual will begin to avoid triggers. Agoraphobia, for example, which is the fear of being trapped in a place or situation, can lead to isolation.

Trauma disorder: Unresolved trauma can lead to avoidance of people, places, or situations that trigger memories of the traumatic event. Flashbacks, nightmares, or repeated thoughts of the trauma stoke anxiety symptoms. Those with PTSD may avoid exposure to things that trigger the traumatic memory, and are prone to substance abuse as a form of self-medicating.

Social anxiety disorder: Intense and irrational fear of being judged or criticized. Because of the fear of being humiliated in public, people with social anxiety may avoid social situations completely.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder: Obsessive worries about such things as germs, causing harm, or a need for order can fuel compulsive behaviors in an attempt to manage the symptoms of intense anxiety caused by the obsession.

DEPRESSION

The depression disorders include:

Major depressive disorder. MDD is the most common depressive disorder and features persistent feelings of sadness, hopelessness, or despair, fatigue, weight gain or loss, change in sleeping habits, loss of interest in usual activities or hobbies, slowed motor movements, and suicidal thought or attempts.

Post-partum depression. Post-partum depression affects 3 million new mothers per year and lasts about three months until the hormone levels normalize. This form of depression can disrupt bonding with the baby due to feelings of sadness, extreme irritability, change in eating habits, insomnia, mood swings, and even thoughts of harming baby or self.

Dysthymia. Dysthymia, also referred to as persistent depressive disorder, is a milder but chronic form of MDD that lasts more than two years. Dysthymia features low mood, loss of interest in activities, feelings of hopelessness, reduced appetite, feelings of low self-esteem, problems concentrating, and sleep problems.

Bipolar depression. Bipolar disorder is an affective, or mood, disorder that features extreme and unpredictable shifts between depressive periods and manic periods, with bipolar II featuring milder manic periods but more severe depressive periods.

When to Seek Help for a Mental Health Condition

When you suspect that your symptoms are more serious than simply feeling like you are struggling with life, it is a good idea to contact a mental health provider who can conduct a psychological evaluation. This involves an interview with a licensed therapist or psychiatrist who can collect enough information about your current symptoms and state of mind to hopefully make a diagnosis.

Generally, treatment for a mental health disorder like depression or anxiety will include medication, such as antidepressants, plus psychotherapy. Regular therapy sessions will help you work on changing negative or irrational thought patterns that keep you from living your best life.

The therapist might also encourage regular exercise and healthy dietary suggestions. Support groups can also be suggested, which allow small groups of individuals who share a common condition, such as depression, to discuss their personal struggles and support each other. Other complementary activities a therapist might prescribe could revolve around stress reduction, such as taking yoga classes or trying acupuncture.

Residential Treatment for a Higher Level of Care

For those individuals who continue to suffer from the mental health condition despite the outpatient interventions, a higher level of care is indicated. The residential setting offers a unique opportunity to take a break from daily cares and stressors and just focus on getting better. Residential mental health programs provide a much more customized and intensive treatment approach.

Treatment elements include:

Acute stabilization for individuals in crisis who need 24-7 monitoring.

Evidence-based psychotherapy using such modalities as cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavior therapy, mindfulness-based cognitive therapy, prolonged exposure therapy, and psychodynamic therapy.

Group therapy sessions facilitated by a clinician.

Adjunctive therapies such as eye movement desensitization reprocessing or TMS therapy.

Medications such as antidepressants, mood stabilizers, anti-anxiety drugs, and antipsychotics.

Holistic therapies such as massage, meditation, art therapy, or equine therapy.

When your mental health does not improve using lifestyle and attitude tweaks, then it is appropriate to seek out psychological support from a mental health professional.

The Treatment Specialist Provides Free Online Resources for Mental Health

The Treatment Specialist is an online resource for informative articles on mental health conditions and treatment options for adults, teens, and families. For more information and guidance please contact the team at (866) 644-7911.

The post 6 Things to Do When You Are Struggling with Life appeared first on The Treatment Specialist.

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[goodlifexplorers-blog]

This 7 Months Baby Update is full of developmental milestones and a scary mysterious illness.

Baby R has accomplished so much in the last month! It’s like his neurons and motor coordination are just on steroids right now.

As a family, we spent our 4th of July at the farm with my in-laws. He loved being surrounded by other kids and getting so much attention from his grandparents. I feel grateful that we were surrounded by loving family members and that we have been able to connect with family near and far away.

Now let’s get into this 7 months baby update!

Baby R’s Stats

At Birth:  6lbs 12oz, 19.5 inches tall, size newborn clothes and diapers.

2 weeks old: 7 lbs 3oz and measured 20.25 inches tall, size 0-3 months clothes and size 1 diapers.

2 months old: 11 lbs 11oz and measured 22.75 Inches tall, size 3-6 months clothes and size 2 diapers.

4 months old: 15 lbs 6 oz and measured 25.5 inches tall, size 9 months clothes and size 3 diapers.

5 months old: 16 lbs 14 oz and measured 25.75 inches tall, size 9 months clothes and size 3 diapers.

6 months old: 17 lbs 10 oz, 27.5 inches tall, size 12 months clothes and size 3 diapers during the day and 4 at night.

7 months old: 18 lbs 8 oz, 27.5 inches tall, size 12 months clothes and size 4 diapers.

Feeding

Roark is loving his solid food. He eats 3 times a day and recently I have started introducing him to a snack every once in a while. He can use a sip cup for water during meals.

He doesn’t like chunky food, but I have introduced whole pieces of food so he can work on holding the food with his hands. It usually ends up crushed by his hands and all over his hair, but hey, that’s part of learning, right?

He still breastfeeds, specially when he wakes up, before his naps and before he goes to bed at night.

I think he is somewhat outgrowing his dairy/soy intolerance as I am trying to reintroduce some dairy to my diet and he hasn’t had as bad of reaction as he used to have.

Diapering

We have recently started having more pee leaks at night, which tells me an upgrade in diaper size is in order so he’s on number 4s all day now. One thing I haven’t mentioned before is that his stool has changed a lot since we introduced solids to him. We had a good schedule going before solids, but now there is no timeframe for number 2. We haven’t had any more blowouts, but he does sometimes experiences constipation. Nobody warned me that as soon as babies start eating solids their poop starts to stink big time. I am glad we decided to buy the diaper genie. Even though the refills are a little more costly, the diaper genie has kept our house odor free and let me tell you, it is a good thing!

Sleeping

Sleeping is getting to be a big issue for us this month. Roark is really reluctant to sleep during the day and as a result he gets really cranky. I am not sure if he is going through a sleep regression phase.

The only advice I’ve seen to get him to sleep is the cry-out method, however I’ve tried it a couple times and after 45 mins of crying, he still won’t go to sleep. I feel awful about letting him cry and he still gets no rest, so I am in need of some advice and help. To make things even worse, he refuses to sleep on his crib or pack and play during the day, only falling sleep in my arms. As soon as I go to lay him down, he wakes up screaming. I’ve tried several things and nothing has worked yet.

Developmental – 7 months update

Has 2 teeth! (bottom front)

Crawls

Pulls up on things – I was reading his daddy’s baby book. Apparently, his daddy started pulling up and walking around furniture at 7 months as well.

“Waves”

Says mamma and reaches for me- now I know it’s intentionally. His first word was mamma.

Sits by himself and sits unaided

Laughs with us or by himself

Grabs our mouths/noses

Sucks on his toes

Does the dab!

Uses sip cup

A scary illness

At the same time Roark was teething and turning 7 months, he developed a really high fever of 104F. At first I thought it was due to teething, but after giving him a warm bath and putting cool rags on his head and giving him some Tylenol, it became clear it was not going away. I called the pediatrician right away and they asked us to go the office for an exam. After a physical exam and 2 strep tests that came back negative, the doctor that saw us (our regular pediatrician was not in) recommended that we administer Fever All suppositories. We tried giving Roark Tylenol and Advil, but he would throw up more than half of the dose each time because of the taste and consistency, so after a couple days fighting/trying to administer oral medication, the fever would not break so we reached a new point of desperation. His fever hit an all time high (111F, but we are not sure the thermometer was right) and so we called the doctor and gave him Fever All. We were on our way out of the door to take him to the hospital and the fever went down. Since he had no other symptoms, the doctor said we should stay put as long as the fever stayed lower than 102F because the hospital wouldn’t be able to do anything else for him that we were not already doing. Other than the fever, he had no other problems. He was eating and he was hydrated. The poor kid was burning up for 4 days and we had to keep giving him Fever All and cooling him down with baths and rags. The doctor thought it could be Rosalea, but Roark never got a rash which is a tell tale sign of the virus. Just as mysterious as it appeared, it disappeared. After 4 days, his fever broke and his temperature went back to normal and he was a happy camper. We still don’t know what happened, but it was certainly scary. We are just glad he’s back to normal and healthy now.

Post-partum update

There is quite a bit to update, so I am going to write a separate post. My pelvic situation has to be one of the things that no one tells you about pregnancy!

Some Thoughts on Motherhood

This month, I am realizing more and more how time flies when babies are little. Yesterday I was giving birth, now I am thinking about his first birthday party.

I am also starting to feel the long-term effects of sleep deprivation with a precocious child that won’t stand still or sleep, I can’t keep track of time anymore. Everything is a blur.

And although time is flying by and it seems like I am stuck in a day to day rut of childcare and housework, I’ve started developing guilt and anxiety about capturing Roark’s milestones and our lives more. I have noticed recently that I am not picking up my camera and phone as often lately because I am falling into a state of blasé. I tell myself, “Oh! He will do that again tomorrow. I will take a picture then…” instead of rushing to my camera and begging him to repeat whatever motion he just did. It’s a dangerous territory, because I should know that my baby is growing way too fast and maybe he won’t do that tomorrow. He may already have learned something else by then.

I also need to let go of my perfectionist streak because when I look at pictures of Roark on my phone of the first months, those are the pictures I treasure the most, not the ones I posed and dressed him. Those pictures have a place in our walls, his baby book, on greeting cards – but the ones that live on my phone remind me of how little and fragile he was. How he smelled, how he felt against my skin. How even though my body felt battered and I couldn’t believe I would feel normal again, I was overwhelmed with love and joy. I love those pictures, I love what they represent. That is why I need to make more of an effort and worry less about the messy house in the background, the mismatched outfits he wears when I am too tired to look for something else, the composition and light in our family room where we spend 90% of our time and all the other technical and aesthetic aspects of photography that keep me from capturing those moments.

It is so true that “the days are long, but the years are short” and I should make more of an effort to document our everyday lives. I want Roark to have these mementos because he won’t remember these years. I want to have these mementos because in this state of blur I am living in right now, I may not remember too much of this time in a few years. That is why I push myself to write this blog when I should be sleeping.

Oh, what a vicious circle!

As always, I am a work in progress, so as Roark develops, I am also working on developing myself in this new world of motherhood.

What are your struggles? 

I hope you enjoyed this 7 months baby update. If you would like to see Roark, watch the video here.

For other baby updates and pregnancy tips, click here.

xoxo

Jana

7 Months Baby Update This 7 Months Baby Update is full of developmental milestones and a scary mysterious illness. Baby R has accomplished so much in the last month!