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luxaofhesperides · 1 year ago

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For ghostlights: baby Ellie + tired Danny + Duke the baby whisperer?

He has no idea how his parents did it.

Babies are exhausting. Toddlers more so. Any infants in the strange stage in-between? Doubly so.

Ellie is wonderful and sweet and cute and such a terror that Danny genuinely has no idea how his parents managed to raise not one, but two kids. For all their eccentricities and absent-mindedness, he and Jazz turned out pretty well. Ignoring the whole halfa thing because that’s more his fault than theirs even if Jazz says they shouldn’t have created the dangerous environment in the first place.

That environment is exactly why Danny refuses to let Ellie go to his house in Amity Park. His parents say they’ve disabled all the weapons and ecto-sensors since he’s had to reveal himself as Phantom, but he knows that things slip their minds and if they can’t guarantee that the house is safe, then Ellie isn’t going in there. Simple as that.

This means that they live somewhere else now. Danny had thought about it, during the hours Ellie was asleep and he was awake, exhausted and worn down to his bones, and took Jazz’s advice to accept Vlad’s offer of buying a house for him. Except he argued Vlad down to an apartment in a city of his choosing where he wouldn’t stand out too much and he would be safe, or as safe as he can be, from anyone trying to hunt down ghosts.

So here they are. Standing in the empty living room of their new apartment in Gotham.

Gotham may not be very safe as a city, but it’s good for two ghosts trying to pass as normal.

Danny sighs yet again, and looks at the space he’ll need to fill. At least Vlad is footing the bill. It’s the least he can do for creating Ellie. Frostbite was the one who was able to stabilize her, though it was almost too late and resulted in her reforming as a baby, just one and a half years old. Jazz is the one who’s choosing most of the furniture, thankfully, so it’s something that Danny doesn’t need to worry about it.

It’s a new start to their lives and it feels so empty. So overwhelming. How did his parents do it? How do any parents do it?

Ellie smacks a small palm against his cheek and babbles lightly.

“I know, Ellie,” Danny says, giving her a tired smile. “Don’t worry, we’ll have this place looking good in no time.”

He adjusts her in his arms, then heads towards the bedroom. It’s the only room that has any furniture, and all that’s there is a bed, a crib, and a bookcase. There are a few boxes on the floor, labeled ‘bedroom’ and ‘clothing’ and ‘books’. Most of it came from his bedroom in Amity Park, but he’s pretty sure he caught Jazz sneaking a few things in before they closed the boxes and loaded them up into the car.

“Can you be good for five minutes?” he asks Ellie.

She babbles again and smacks his shoulder.

“I’m taking that as an agreement. Just let me open these boxes and start unpacking before you start causing trouble, okay?”

Ellie makes another sound, but it seems agreeable so Danny carefully lays her down in the crib and gets to peeling off the tape on the boxes. The opens the one labeled ‘bedroom’ first, finding blankets and sheets folded and stacked in vacuum sealed bags. One of them is his old childhood blanket, the one he carried around everywhere that was faded with age, barely blue, with white bunnies decorating it.

He was so small when he had this. It makes him oddly emotional to unpack it and pass it on to Ellie, draping it over her so her pudgy little hands can grab at it.

This is no time to cry, though! He forces himself to focus and makes his own bed, shaking out the sheets and fluffing up the pillows. He’ll worry about washing everything later; Vlad made sure to get an apartment with an in-unit washer and dryer, which means he was actually sensible while apartment hunting for Danny.

He doesn’t mean to flop onto the bed once it’s made, but he ends up there anyways. He’s barely gotten a full six hours of uninterrupted sleep since Frostbite deemed Ellie healthy enough to leave his care. The drive up to Gotham was long and wore him down to his bones.

He doesn’t mean to fall asleep, but he does, drifting off as he wonders, distantly, when Jazz will be back from getting them dinner.

Ellie wakes him up at dawn with a loud cry. Danny jolts awake, heart pounding in his chest as he panics because Ellie isn’t here, she’s supposed to be in his arms, where is she? And then he sees the crib, where Ellie is staring at him through the bars, and he nearly collapses with relief.

“Morning, El,” he says, voice rough from sleep, as he picks her up. She just stares up at him, then leans forward and rests her head against his shoulder.

It’s quiet moments like these that make his heart melt. Ellie’s had a hard life already; he wants to give her a better one, this time around.

A quick check of the time on his nearly dead phone shows that it’s barely past six in the morning, and Jazz texted him a few times. All about furniture, saying that she didn’t want to wake them and that food is in the fridge.

It’s only the mention of food that makes him realize how ravenous he’s feeling. Danny makes a beeline for the kitchen, ignoring everything else, and pulls out the boxes of take-out Jazz left stacked in the fridge. He devours it like he’s been starving for weeks, then gives Ellie her Ecto-Jello, the only food she’s allowed to eat until Frostbite gives the okay for solid, human food.

Once he’s got her burped and cleaned up, Danny looks out of the kitchen and realizes that Jazz was very productive while he was asleep. The living room isn’t empty anymore; a dark green couch is against the wall, a low, rectangular coffee table made of dark wood in front of it. Two armchairs are on both sides of the couch, and a television has been installed, fixed into the wall.

Jazz is asleep on the couch. Her legs hang off an armrest and she’s drooling slightly.

Her phone is charging on the floor, so Danny takes it and snaps a picture of her for later teasing, then sends it to himself and writes a note to her that he’s going out with Ellie to explore the neighborhood.

He’s finally feeling more settled, energized from sleep and food.

In the warm dawn light spilling in through the windows, Danny looks down at Ellie and thinks that they’ll be just fine after all.

. . .

Four months ago, Danny had hope. He was optimistic.

Gotham was a fresh start, a new lease of life for Ellie. It is Danny’s attempt to be a single parent, sacrificing college for Ellie, and he’s planning to go out and beat the gangs black and blue if they start anymore shootouts in the next year.

He had just gotten Ellie to sleep. She was actually peacefully taking a nap.

And then a drive by shooter raced down the street, gunshots echoing down the road, and Ellie work up crying. She still hasn’t stopped, despite how Danny rocked her, soothing her as best he could.

They had been outside when Ellie fell asleep, her head on his shoulder. He had been catching up with Sam and Tucker when the car drove by, people ducking and crying out to avoid the bullets. Danny instinctively covered Ellie and made them both intangible, saving them from any stray bullets, but they ruined her nap and he needs to make them pay for that.

“Shh,” he soothes, “You’re okay. We’re both fine. It’s okay, El, it’s okay.”

Her little hands clutch at his back, twisting the fabric of his shirt, and she lets out a heartbreaking wail. He pats her back, hurrying down the street to get back to his apartment building, ignoring the looks people were giving them as they passed by.

“I know it was scary, but you’re alright. You’re always safe with me, El.”

Ellie’s cries down down a little, but they don’t stop. She whimpers, burying her face against his shoulder as he finally reaches their apartment building.

The door’s locked, which wouldn’t be a problem except Danny can’t get his keys from his pocket. He knows he has them! But his pocket refuses to relinquish them and he has to stop every few seconds to pat Ellie’s back, trying in vain to calm her down.

“We’ll be inside in a second,” he tells her, trying to keep the frustration out of his voice, “as soon as I can get these freaking keys!”

“Hey, you alright?”

Danny startles, whirling around so fast it makes Ellie go quiet, clinging to him so she doesn’t get flung into the air. There’s a guy standing before him in a gray hoodie, looking at him with clear concern. It speaks to Danny’s level of constant exhaustion that he hadn’t clocked someone sneaking up behind him.

The guy offers an awkward smile. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you or anything. Um, do you need me to open to door? I live here too.”

Danny wonders for a moment if this someone dangerous, someone hoping to hurt Ellie, but she starts to cry again and he steps to the side. “Please. I can’t get my keys.”

“I’m Duke, by the way. I don’t think I’ve seen you around here before.”

“Danny,” he replies, watching as Duke pulls out a large key ring, jangling with the amount of keychains on it, and easily opens the door. “I’ve been here a few months, but I’m usually inside. Or walking around in the mornings with this little monster.”

“That would explain it,” Duke says as he holds the door open, letting Danny in first. “I’m usually in classes at GCU, but I decided to take a mental health day after my lab, so here I am.”

Danny walks in and waits for Duke to follow, making sure the door closes properly behind them. “Thanks. How is GCU? What do you study? I was thinking of going there myself once she gets a little older and can go to school.”

“Oh, I’m majoring in English and Human Services.” He goes to say more, but Ellie wails again and Danny winces.

“I’m so sorry. That drive by woke her up and it’s really rattled her.”

“Hey, no need to apologize. I get it, Gotham is rough to kids.”

Danny tries rocking her back and forth, but it doesn’t help. He resigns himself to another hour of her crying before she exhausts herself, and makes for the stairs, going up to the fourth floor. Duke holds open the door again, then follows after them. It makes Danny wonder if Duke is planning to do something to them, then decides he can beat Duke in a fight, so it’s fine.

Duke doesn’t try to hurt them or steal Ellie away. He opens the door to their floor and stops before they do. “I’m in here,” he says, “If you ever need me to open more doors.”

“Thanks. Um, actually, I might need help opening mine?”

Duke just smiles and makes his way back to them, following them farther into the hall until Danny stops in front of his apartment.

“If I could just get my keys,” he starts.

“Here, let me hold her for a second so you can get them,” Duke offers. Danny wants to insist that it’s fine, but Ellie cries directly into his ear and Danny, at the end of his rope, passes her over.

Like magic, Ellie settles as soon as she’s in Duke’s arms. She sniffles and hides her face away, clutching to Duke’s hoodie, but she stops crying. They both go still, surprised, and stare down at her.

“Seriously?” Danny says as he finally pulls out his keys, “Are you trying to say that I’m the problem?”

Ellie babbles lightly, and Duke turns his head to futilely hide his grin.

He grumbles as he unlocks the door and pushes it open. Ellie is acting as if she’s never been upset before a day in her life, making herself at home in Duke’s arms.

“I can’t believe this. Betrayed by my own blood.”

Duke laughs as he follows Danny into his apartment, lightly patting Ellie’s back. “It’s always the smallest, cutest ones that do this.”

“Yeah? Do you work with a lot of kids or something? Used to being betrayed by the little ones?”

“I don’t work with kids per se,” Duke says, “But my foster family is a hot mess and the youngest of them likes to keep us all on our toes.”

“Family,” Danny says in a tired, fond tone.

“Family,” Duke agrees.

With his door open and Ellie calm, Danny’s ready to just lay face down on the floor for the rest of the day and not deal with anything else. He moves to take Ellie back, holding his arms out, and Duke tries to pass her over.

The key word being tries.

Ellie tightens her grip and kicks at Danny. She refuses to be taken away from Duke, making him awkwardly try to pry her off his hoodie. Danny really hopes Duke doesn’t notice how she goes slightly intangible to make his hands fall through her arms and legs. It shouldn’t be noticeable, but it’s hard to focus on anything but a kid that clings to you, so Danny holds out for Duke’s goodwill and silence.

“As nice as it is to meet you, you need to go back to your… parent?” Danny nods when Duke looks at him in askance. “You need to go back to your parent. Okay? Come on, kid, he’s waiting for you.”

Ellie shakes her head, makes a frustrated noise, and then turns and reaches out a grabby hand towards Danny.

She still refuses to be taken from Duke when Danny tries to pick her up again, so he settles with just letting her hold two of his fingers.

“I’m so sorry about this,” he says to Duke, face burning. This is why he hasn’t been going out and being social since he moved in; Ellie is a handful even on the best days, and Danny doesn’t want someone to judge him as unfit to parent her and have her taken away.

Duke shakes his head, stepping closer. “It’s all good, man. I don’t mind. It’s not like I had any plans today. I’m already skipping my classes, might as well spend it with you two than sleep all day.”

“Are you sure? I’d be happy to invite you in, but I know Ellie can be a lot and not everyone wants to spend their day off with a baby.”

“I’m sure. Besides, I’d just be down the hall anyways. It’s no skin off my back, man.”

“Well,” Danny says, stepping to the side to give Duke full access to his open doorway, “Come on in, then.”

Ellie keeps them connected, one hand in Duke’s hoodie and the other holding Danny’s fingers, and though her cheeks are still red from how hard she had been crying, she’s calm now with her eyes shining with mischief.

As the door closes behind them, Danny realizes that this is the first time someone he’s not related to has been inside his apartment. Not even Vlad has come in, always choosing to invite Danny and Ellie out for lunch instead.

It should make him nervous, but Duke is calm and easy going and kind.

He’s making silly faces at Ellie to make her laugh, completely at ease with her in his arms, as if he’s done this a thousand times before.

Gotham is a second chance at life for Ellie. It’s a sacrifice for Danny, to be alone and without friends or family around. He’d been ready to give up everything for Ellie, to focus solely on raising her, but with Duke filling his apartment with laughter, he thinks that he can make a life here too.

All he needs to do is take that first step, reach his hand out, ask Duke to stick around.

He can do this.

#ghostlights #dc x dp #dp x dc #dcxdp #dpxdc #dc x dp fic #prompt fill #my writing #i really love writing about characters struggling to be parents v suddenly and thru unconventional means #so here's danny a year out of high school living on his own for the first time w baby ellie #and duke who needed some space and independence while he's in college. bruce pays for the apartment while duke works part time for grocerie #and ellie who had been fully developed but unstable is now a halfa baby who remembers stuff but is also. yknow. a baby.#she absolutely latched onto duke to force danny to have a life outside of her. but also she can sense that hes kind and calm #which danny needs bc he is Stressed (tm)#this leads to duke bringing over food for them and looking after ellie while danny goes shopping or naps #both of them ignoring how duke has to leave suddenly for Hero Related Reasons and how danny and ellie have Powers #it's a v delicate balance they keep for the sake of keeping ellie safe #yeah they're gonna co-parent and realize they're basically dating after MONTHS of pining #the bats have bets on who gives bruce a grandkid first and literally no one bet on duke but here he is lol :)#thanks for the prompt!!

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ekat-fandom-blog · 2 years ago

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Jack decides he needs a bit of time away from family to mourn the loss of his one sided friendship with Vlad and Vlad's death. So he takes a trip to Gotham. On this trip, he runs into Damian and Tim, who are convinced he's Captain Marvel in disguise.

Meanwhile, Jason's also run into Jack as he's coming into his ghost powers. Jason starts freaking out because someone just saw him when his new powers started glitching. Panicking only worsens the situation as now he can't figure out how to get his foot un-caught in the cement.

Jack, despite not knowing if this kid is a halfa or not, decides to give him advice based on how Danny told him his powers work. It works.

Now, Jason has a sort-of mentor that he didn't ask for but definitely needs, and Jack has something to do while he sorts out his feelings on the whole Vlad-was-never-his-friend thing.

Eventually, Damian and Tim catch them while Jack is trying to explain how Jason might have a second form. While Jack explains, Jason just transforms. His ghost form isn't what either expected. Jack was expecting something similar to Danny's or Vlad's. Not a winged little kid with a mask.

To be honest, this just solidifies that this guy is Captain Marvel for Damian and Tim. Obviously he decided to teach Jason magic.

#dp x dc #dc x dp #dcxdp #dpxdc #jason got wings #because of how he was in heaven before he came back to life #i'm thinking he's more red palleted than color swapped #his eyes hair and wings are red #and his outfit is a mix between his robin uniform and his school uniform #khakis tie cape pixie boots mask #all in navy blue and red #the cape is blue on the outside and red on the inside #i'm not sure about the shirt #his transformation rings probably look more fire-y than the others'#i subscribe to the idea that he'd have a fire core #(also i think tim and damian thinking jack is captain marvel is hilarious and should def be used more)#(also also the version of captain marvel i'm thinking of is any EXCEPT for the movie version where he's a fricken twink)#(yes that does happen to be my biggest problem with the shazam movie)#(they should have found someone that looks more like how the ancient greeks thought their gods looked)#(or at least like how he does in the comics)#(sorry for the rant i have strong feelings about this)

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francisforever2014 · 1 year ago

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update on the situation in case anybody cares (nobody does) i dropped the course!!!!! i was gonna stick it out bc whatever but i went to class today and genuinely the discussion questions were

what do you think is the worst problem humanity is facing ? war, inequality or environmental issues?

why is this thing an issue?

what can we do about it?

and i obviously wasn’t talking to my group bc well. those are the stupidest questions i’ve ever heard bc 1) a middle schooler could answer that (war is bad guys!!!) and 2) i’m not picking which is worse?????? anyways so i wasn’t talking and the ta came over and was like what do you think 😃 and i was like i’m not picking one i’m sorry i don’t think it’s something you can quantify and she was like well if you haddddd to pick and i was like fine. inequality bc it is the root of everything else and she was like and what can we do to fix inequality 😃and again i didn’t really answer bc like. what can we do to FIX INEQUALITY???? just broadly????? like genuinely what is there to say in such a short discussion but like “we should all be nice ��️” it’s a dumb question and the other person at my table was like idk bc she wasn't feeling it either and the ta was like 😃well that’s why we’re in this class 😃 (kinda condescendingly) and that was just the last straw like i’m literally a mexican american studies/gender women studies double major don’t talk to me like i’m stupid and don’t know about inequality or whatever . i just didn’t want to answer the question bc i think it’s a weird thing to ask us to pick and i think that’s it’s not helpful to talk about things in such broad terms bc it doesn’t actually lead to any interesting discussions or learning bc everybody just spits out the same answers (which is exactly what happened for the rest of the discussion. like aren’t we here to learn??)… anyways i doodled and listened to a podcast for the rest of the lecture which was just about like. basic human history that we learned in 7th grade and then went home and dropped the class :) i’m taking an astronomy class instead which i hope will be more interesting and at the very least won’t be mind numbing . syllabus looks better at least ! and it’s in person bc i can’t with the online learning and i think i’ll actually want to go .. fingers crossed!!

okayyyy guys here’s the situation i really love my class schedule this year and am so happy since switching majors . EXCEPT this one fuckass class i’m taking that’s required for my gen eds. it’s a 100 level anthropology course that is actually mind numbing and i could definitely do it without going to class but attendance is required :| i’m considering switching to a fully online class to fulfill this requirement but all of those suck too (the gen ed is natural science and it’s just not interesting to me especially not at the 100 level like even subjects that i find interesting otherwise are dumbed down for these gen eds and it’s infuriating) anyways i’m trying to figure out whether i should stick it out or switch to a different boring class that i at least wouldn’t have to go in for?? considerations are that i HATE online learning with a passion but i would basically just be doing that anyways bc i’m def not paying attention even if i go… also this subject is at least mildly interesting to me (it’s a human diversity anthro class) and the fully online options are even LESS interesting. i really don’t know like it sucks either way

#i feel like this makes me sound bratty but i wasn’t being rude i swearrrrr #i understand that the ta was doing her job which was why i was super nice to her even when she asked me whether war or inequality is worse?#and spoke to me like i'm five #i’m just annoyed that i HAVE to take courses like this like. i didn’t come to college and give them all this money to take War Bad 100 #especially like i do have an interest in anthropology and these kinds of discussions . and have them all of the time in my other classes #and in my life outside of school #so it’s infuriating to have to dumb myself down for the sake of a gen ed credit #so i’m going with astronomy bc i have literally no background in it and everything will be new even if it’s easy #and for the record there’s nothing wrong with an easy class ! it’s just not for me. i came to be challenged #and the particular way that they were speaking about such complex issues rubbed me the wrong way #and i don’t think it’s a bad thing to be like this is just below my skill level like i’ve worked very hard to learn #and deserve to be challenged !#so i think i’ve solved the problem a bit but the principle of the thing still annoys me. like at least give me the option to take harder #classes for gen ed’s if i want to #and let other people take easier classes if they want to like it’s not that complicated

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meliake · 6 months ago

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some Five doodles because s4 was greatly upsetting to witness

#i want him to have a stupid monacle like in the comics #and just think it makes him look so sophisticated and mysterious #think middle school fedora #anyways #i fucking hate five and lila #i was hoping for five to be able to grow up a bit #like have a real life outside of the apocalypse #goals and shit #instead they stuck him in a subway #like what #and poor lila #gosh #tua s4 #tua #the umbrella academy #number five #five hargreeves #my art #fanart

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zehl0w · 2 months ago

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I'm having delusions of grandeur yall

#demon slayer #kimetsu no yaiba #tokitou muichirou #muichiro tokito #rui ayaki #rui demon slayer #muichirou x rui #muichiro x rui #listen I need them to be bestiesssssssss #mui n genya are foster brothers in the au i made with my wife #eventually mui starts staying after school and going out a lot more #he usually stays at home and just plays games and plays w the cats and annoys the shit outta Genya #he doesn't really hang out with too many people otherwise #he's friends w nezuko and Senjurou though they just don't hang out much outside of school #so when mui starts very vaguely speaking of a new friend and having little smiles #looking like he's enjoying life just the tiniest bit more #genyas never seen mui blush before but the second the teensiest but of pink is on his cheeks #and he fucking GASPS #BECAUSE HIS BABY BROTJER HAS A CRUSH.#WHAT THE FUCK DOES HE DO WHAT IS HE SUPPOSED TO DO #and mui is like SHUT UP SHUT UP NO I DONT SHUT UP DONT FUCKING SAY ANYTHING TO ANYONE #and Genya is like I WONTTTTTTTTTTTTTT #*immediately calls tanjirou about it the second he goes to his room*#and then all of the sudden literally everyone in the friend group knows about it and Genya is like.#............. I'm so sorry 💀#muirui #ruimui

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skunkes · 3 months ago

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biggest downside of not having many experiences or meeting many people is not having anything to feed into the art machine

#i think this is what i really mean when i say i dont have the artist's mind #i like drawing and am learning to enjoy how i draw #but beneath the lines i dont really know how to make anything meaningful #i wish i could experience the brain of another artist for this reason like #i didnt do much as a kid didnt watch or play many things didnt meet many people i read quite #a bit but nothing really stuck never learned much in school bc id always just draw #is this why i have nothing even now at 26 living almost the same life?#i cant cobble together a story or background for my characters i cant make stuff that Means anything #i always talk also about how i fear finding a partner bc my stuff is just 99% self indulgent sanity keeping work #idk what id make without the lonely #i dont even know what to make With the lonely but its all thats here #<- this part is only barely related but theres a connection there ykwim #talkys #ive never felt anything good or bad in either direction...not much to draw from ...#i know i dont NEED my ocs to have roles in a novel but it just gets embarrassing at some point #ppl take interest in talon and i cant put together anything interesting there's nothing in my brain #i cant connect threads i cant think outside of the box #alas! alas #i think its just always going to be one of those immutable things 😞 too late to rewire rhe brain #especially since the monotony and captivity is ongoing.#goodnite ^_^

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klutzytomb · 2 months ago

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I never thought I'd say this, but there's no way I'm one of the only ones here that isn't chronically online. Right? Right??

#PLEASE don't tell me this is genuinely how all of you view this #I'm not gonna make a longer post unless prompted but. there's no way so many of you are this chronically online. there's just no way #I mean this is the nicest way possible btw #some of y'all need to get some friends IRL. like genuinely.#if y'all are thinking that its evil to draw teens smoking weed or for there to be 2 year age gaps in high school relationships-#you do NOT know enough people. I'm being serious #don't get me wrong; some of the things being talked about are serious issues #(I am basically only referring to Louis when I say this. I hope you're doing okay man)#but the rest is stuff that is just so stupid I swear #I don't like engaging in drama hence why I'm not gonna tag the fandom or make this a big post outside of the tags #So much of this is the kind of thing you'd see in a 2018 DA ranters video and that is NOT a good thing #the combination of a lack of nuance + being teens with no life experience + hard opinions is soooooo ass #like this feels like the beginning of a clique who hates artistic expression #I saw one of the posts talking about how people in this fandom should basically be only wholesome or else you're evil and just. What??#Not how art works. not how liking a thing works. stop trying to police the people around you #when I say 'you' I am referring to the amorphous blob of people I'm targeting this rant at and not everyone btw #and I thought that me with my mental health testing approved black & white thinking pattern was bad. god damn #sorry for these tags being so long and ranty I just needed to yap about how I think a lot of this is stupid #if anyone following me doesn't want to follow me anymore due to this that's fine. idrc tbh #I could also like explain anything I mean in an actual post if anyone is confused by any of this #but otherwise this is my two cents #andy rambles

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deoidesign · 9 months ago

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#ok finally making a post about meds #I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset #so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but #it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways #so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone #like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus #my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night #sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired #it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted #but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too #but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared #so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow #anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING #that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up #I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world #and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on #and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!

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rileyh20 · 7 months ago

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Ponyboy gets spring depression

#Like seasonal depression except it’s in spring instead of winter of summer #I’m saying this because I get spring depression #Let me live my life #He just gets so burnt out once school is finishing and actually finishes #Spring depression hits hard #ponyboy the outsiders #the outsiders 1983 #the outsiders se hinton #the outsiders #ponyboy curtis #ponyboy #ponyboy michael curtis #the outsiders ponyboy #se hinton #the outsiders movie #the outsiders book #the outsiders headcanons #the outsiders hcs

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swordheld · 1 year ago

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hi! your blog is one of my favourites and i absolutely adore reading your thoughts. my grandfather recently passed away and it feels like i lost myself with him. how do i continue living after this? there is this constant weight on my chest and it feels like an emptiness has made a home inside of me. how do i go on when it feels like the world crashed on my shoulders?

hello, love! this is so very sweet and kind of you, and i hope you're treating yourself gently and kindly right now - there aren't words for a loss like this. that heaviness is difficult, and hard, and painful. it's okay if things don't feel okay, right now, or even soon - i think that's something that a lot of the people i know that have gone through similar grief feel: like they should be able to get back to a relative 'normal' in a [insert far too short period of time].

but it's okay if it hurts. that's where i'd like to start. you're allowed to feel that emptiness, that world-crashed feeling that goes beyond words, beyond time. don't feel like you have to rush this to feel some sort of better. things get easier with time, i promise you this, but sometimes painful feelings are important to feel, too. cry, scream, feel your emotions. they're a part of you. grieve.

it's perhaps a little silly, but when i think about death i always think about a couple of space songs: mainly drops of jupiter by train and saturn by sleeping at last. there are perhaps others that speak to the emotions better, but these two have always hit something a little deeper for me, and are popular for a wide-reaching reason.

and while personally i don't know much about grief like this, i do know a lot about love; and i think they're a lot of the same thing.

the people we love are a part of us, and this is why it takes from us so deeply when we lose them, because it does feel like we've lost a part of ourselves in the wake of it. but it's because they were so central to our experiences of living - our lives, that the separation introduces a hollowness - a place where they used to be. a home that now goes unlived in.

an emptiness, like you said.

but just because they're not here physically, doesn't mean he's not still there, in your heart, in your life, your memory. you can hold him close in smaller ways, as well: steal a sweater, or cologne/scent for something a little more physical and long lasting for remembering. hold onto the memories you cherish, the things that made you laugh, the ease of slow mornings and gentle nights. write them all down, slide a few photographs in there, go through it and add more when you miss him. keep them all close, keep them in your heart.

you're not alone, in this. he's still there, with you, it's just - in the little things.

he's with you in the way you see and go about your daily life, in doing what he liked to do, in the ways he interacted with the world that you shared with him. the memories you recall fondly when the night is late or the moment is right and something calls it into you like a melody, an old bell, laughter you'd recognize anywhere.

but i think, perhaps most importantly above all others - talk about him. with your family, your friends, his friends, strangers; stories are how we keep the people we love alive. the connections they've made, the legacies and experiences they've left behind, and so, so many stories.

how lucky, we are - to love so much it takes a piece of us when they go. grief is the other side of the coin, but it does not mean our love goes away. it lives in you. it lives in everyone who knew him, in the smallest pieces of our lives.

the people we love never really leave us, like this: they're in how we cook and the way we fold our newspapers, our laundry, in the radio stations we tune in to and the way we decorate our walls, our photo albums. they're in the way we store our mail, organize our closets, the scribbled notes in the indexes of our books. the meals we love and the drinks we mix, the way we spend time with one another. they've been passed down for generations, for longer than history - and we are all the luckier for it.

think about what you shared with him, and do it intentionally. bring him into your life, like this, again. whether it's crosswords or poetry or sports or anything else. if one doesn't help, try another. something might click.

i hope things feel a little easier for you, as they tend to do only with time. i hope you find joy in your grief, even if it is small and hard to grasp at first. know that your hurt stems from so much love that there isn't a place to put it properly, and that it is something so meaningful and hurting poets and storytellers have been struggling to put it into words and sounds that feel like the fit right for eons, and that it is also just simply yours. sometimes things don't have to make sense. sometimes they just are - unable to be put into words or neat little sentiments, as unfair and tragic as they come.

but i promise it will not feel like this forever. your love is real. and perhaps, on where to begin on from here - i think it's less on finding where to begin and just beginning. and you've already started. you've taken the most important and crucial step: the first one. wherever you go, after that, from here? you'll figure it out. you always have, and you always do. it'll come, as things always do. love leads us, as does light - and you're never alone in your hurt. in your grief, your missing something dear to you. i think if you talk about it with others, you'll find they have ways of helping you cope as well - and they have so much love of their own to spare, too.

as an aside, here is the song (northern star by dom fera) i was listening to when i wrote this, for no other reason more than it makes me think of connections, and love, and how we hold onto the people we love and how they change us, wonderfully and intrinsically. it's a little more joyous than the others i've mentioned, and plays like a story, and it made me think of what is at the core of this, love and stories and i am here with you, and maybe it'll bring you some joy, if you'd like it. wishing you all my love and ease 💛

#q&a.#birdsong.#wishing u gentle ease; the death of a loved one is near inexplicable to put into words and i hope you take care of yourself gently <3 #i hope this will make u laugh: when i was a tiny child in middle school there were times i would go outside in my tiny suburban cul de sac-#in the rain and sing along to my lil ipod nano and i only remember doing this to drops of jupiter. can you imagine going out to get the mai #after a long day of work and you just hear this kid singing train in the streets. in the RAIN.... it makes me laugh like i really.#i really thought i was so cool and deep and emotional ghjkd but i find it v funny that i only remember it w/ that one train track.#and saturn just. it's my fav s.a.l. song for a reason. that slow violin opening? the piano coming in gentle and easy?#it feels like light. like hope. like something new - a dawn after the long dark. that beautiful things can begin again even where #it hurts. and there is nothing more human than a sentiment like that.#how rare and beautiful it is to truly exist. what it is to be alive and get to be here and live with other people. with those we love.#i think your grandfather was so lucky to be able to know you. to have you in his life for the time you had together.#i'm no spiritual person; but i like to believe when you're thinking about him? he's thinking about you too.#the second law of thermodynamics (physics nerd mode) is that no energy has ever been created/destroyed since the beginning of the universe.#so it has to go somewhere - it's that carl sagan quote of 'we're all made of stardust'. because we are. we used to be stars; planets; etc.#i think it's why i think of these space songs - because they're a part of everything; once more; when they go. us and everything else.

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