#and in doing so am being unfair to myself

[mangled-by-disuse]

One of the things I have struggled with since I first got sick (ME/CFS followed by a shittonne of other joint, neurological, hormonal, and musculoskeletal problems, if you don't know) is that, like... I had Done The Things? I did exercise, I ate kale (perhaps excessively I love fresh kale), I had tried mediation (...I mean, I sucked at it, but whatever) and yoga and so on, I tried to have a positive attitude, I generally had a pretty good diet... I wasn't a health freak or anything but I DID do all The Things.

And I still got sick in a way that absolutely destroyed the life I had at the time, and it wasn't even an infection or something else obviously external. I did the Things and my body still gave up on me.

That was around 15-16 years ago, and, like, health-wise I am so much better, but I'm thinking about it again because a similar thing is happening in my career progression. I did the Things for that, too: I pushed through my health issues to get good grades, I studied a STEM field at a well-regarded university, I've been continuously in work since I was 12 years old, I do all my work conscientiously, I humble myself and don't refuse work because I'm "too good for it", and I have always been one of the hardest workers in any job I'm at.

And I'm still unemployed at 31, having been unhappy in a series of jobs where I don't think management particularly liked me either, and with no real career direction? I've never had a performance raise or a promotion, and I've never managed to stay in a job more than the 3.5 years in my last one. And it feels so unfair, because, like. I Did The Things!

POINT BEING

the Things are a lie. There isn't a checklist of Things You Should Do that will ensure that you are happy, or healthy, or make a good career, or attract the person you want to attract. It's important to try, obviously, and some of the Things will make you feel better regardless - but there's not a roadmap to health or to success.

And I don't think people tell you there is, or convince themselves there is, out of malice or stupidity or anything like that. I think it's just really scary to face how much of life is luck and chance and the way existing systems interact with them, and how much we simply have no control over.

We want to believe life is fair, that success or failure are the result (if only in part) of one's own actions and choices. One of the first concepts that toddlers learn is "it's not FAIR!" - because even then, they know it should be.

But it's not fair, maybe especially when it comes to disability and illness. There's no secret trick to get you out of it, or to stop you falling in. There are no Things.

It doesn't mean stop trying, because there will be things you can do to make yourself feel better. But they might not be the things you expect, or the Things you expect. Those are only ever a suggestion, not a roadmap.

"here's what you have to do to stay healthy!" no it's not. and there is no guarantee that anyone will stay healthy for any length of time. it must be so scary believing that you are in control of this and then being proven wrong. I can't remember ever believing this, I can only remember having it used as a bludgeon to punish me for not being healthy. lol

[genericpuff]

Hello! I'm someone with autism (and I'm suspecting ADHD too) who's planning multiple projects. Do you have any advice when it comes to overthinking a lot about decisions on a project? Be it the first step, planning, questioning if you're moving too fast, etc?

ouuuu I think the biggest thing I struggle with personally is just like... the overbearing weight of expectation that isn't necessarily even there. Like, expectation to do everything right all the time, to never make mistakes, to never fall through on promises, to never break any 'rules' (real or imaginary) and most of all, for everything I do to matter in some big, recognizable, memorable way - but the steps to that goal aren't defined, I just know what the goal looks like, with no clear path as to how to get there, and so it often results in me aiming at my own "best guess" and then beating myself up for not hitting the target LOL which is completely unfair to myself and my own work!

What I try to regularly remind myself of is that I am one person, who is only capable of what one person should reasonably be able to accomplish on their own, no matter how much my auDHD tries to convince me otherwise that I "should" be able to handle more than what's reasonable. And in that same sense, there isn't any more pressure on me to put out something perfect than there would be on any other person. I am not Atlas carrying the fate of the greatest work known to mankind on my shoulders - I'm a chronically online dweeb making stuff that's interesting to themselves and sharing it in the hopes that even just one other person will like it too. That isn't a diss on myself, that's me embracing what I am so that I can keep doing it better and more confidently each time.

Though I don't know if this exactly applies to you, I'm gonna say it just in case: I know when it comes to balancing multiple projects, it can be hard not to go "oh well I SHOULD be working on xyz!" but at the end of the day, you're not a failure for preferring to work on something else or needing space from projects that used to thrill you and have now become monotonous. In fact, it turns out that's how it is for most neurotypical people too! I know they make a lot of shit look easy, but even they have shit they loathe doing - they just don't have to deal with the unique hurdles of being neurodivergent.

Always remember to set boundaries with yourself and your work. Remember, just because you're really excited to work on something, doesn't mean you have to work on it all the time. I've learned to appreciate those moments when I'm stuck doing my day job and I'm excited to get home and work on my passion project, because it means I can actually look forward to it and it'll feel all the more rewarding when I finally get to do it! Pushing yourself too hard to fulfill that excitement all at once right off the bat often just means you're gonna spend it all way too quick, and that won't feel good because then you'll be left wondering where all the love went.

Set little goals for yourself. Stuff that's manageable and achievable within a reasonable amount of time. I know we tend to dive into thinking huge right off the bat, because that's what's exciting to us, but when it comes time to actually do the work, those smaller goals can keep us moving forward far better than the big, far off, ambiguous goal hiding somewhere off in the horizon. While it's good to plan ahead, not setting smaller milestones for yourself can burn you out faster because it's really hard to work towards an "end goal" that might be too far away for us to even conceptualize. The small goals allow us to reward ourselves along the way, and they do ultimately still build up to the bigger picture in the end, even if it feels like we're "not doing much". It can be anything like "get to this chapter that I can finish in the next few weeks" or "fully write out this scene that's been living in my head rent-free".

As for the overthinking... yeah, I wish I had some magic solution to that, but it's really just about learning what you enjoy doing vs. what you don't, so that you can have confidence in knowing when your creative decisions suit the project you're working on. This is something that gets better with practice and experience, but I feel like it's better tackled by reminding yourself that any project, no matter the outcome of how popular it gets or whether or not it "takes off", is an opportunity to learn and grow. Treat every project as a learning experience and you'll hopefully find the process itself more enjoyable, which will subsequently buff up your confidence. It's all a process of honing in on what works for you, what you excel at, and what you enjoy doing; while learning what doesn't work for you, what you could improve at, and what you don't enjoy doing.

Finding a writing buddy or someone who's willing to read your work and give you feedback is super helpful for this, too, because sometimes it takes another perspective to help us navigate the fog of indecision and find a solution.

And again, remember - you are one person, and you are under no obligation for any of your projects to be some perfect, infallible holy grail. You will write stuff that you will inevitably look back on with disgust and cringe. You will create projects that you will eventually outgrow or move on from. That does not invalidate the time and effort you put into those projects - it's proof of experience and growth. Embrace the growing pains, find peace in the process in whatever way you can.

It's not a question of right or wrong - it's asking yourself what feels true to you and your voice, and finding out along the way.

[what-the-actual-wizardry]

DC Creature Commandoes- Trauma vs. Justice (spoilers!)

I just got done binging the current episodes of Creature Commandos, and at risk of painting myself as some sort of high-brow snob, I think the writer, Mr. James Gunn, has done some pretty genius work. Now, I'm no media critic, and not nearly as media-literate as I should be at my age, but I am a trauma survivor; and the thing that I've noticed about this series is that the main cast- Nina, Dr. Phosphorous, The Bride, Weasel, and GI Robot- all have flashback scenes that, while providing a reason for A.R.G.U.S. to imprison them, are far less focused on that than the characters' trauma. Amidst the gore-splattered scenes of carnage, we get flashbacks to the deaths of friends and loved ones, dreams unattained, and in the unique case of The Bride, pursuit by a suitor she does not want. It's all set up in a way that makes us feel bad for the Commandoes- and of course my ever-mounting hatred for Amanda Waller helps in that cause. What it does NOT do is use that trauma to justify their actions. Dr. Phosphorous is pictured to have slaughtered a crime lord and his family, and taking his throne in order to live a life of hedonism. Frankenstein is seen to have killed multiple people he knew and had meaningful relationships with in cold blood, as soon as they became an obstacle to his all-consuming quest for The Bride. The Bride slaughters indiscriminately, and without qualms, making several allusions to the inferiority of human beings (though I'm not arguing with either of her sets of guns- insert obligatory character design nosebleed. Come on, it's tumblr.) The Weasel is capable of no more than base cunning, with his only interactions being comprised of incentivized behavior- play a game, have a treat, act in the interest of more games and treats. None of this is disputed. No attempt is made to justify it. Yes, they killed. Yes, they will again. No, it is not right or good. And in a medium where storytelling so often defaults to 'if there is a reason, it must be justified', it is a breath of fresh air. Being traumatized does not make anyone's actions excusable. The characters are monsters, and the show expertly explores how they got there- what makes a monster in the first place. No amount of past abuse towards a sexual assailant, a neglectful parent, or an unhinged killer can wish away the consequences of their actions. Neither the narrative nor the characters ever once speak up to say 'this isn't fair.' Because it may once have been unfair- but they are not the same anymore, not the victims anymore. Apologies for the essay, my friends! A good evenoonlighting to you all.

[tribalauthor]

THE WISEWOMAN (roman reigns ff) <chapter 3>

word count: 2k

Nervous is an understatement for my state of feeling right now.

Today is my first segment and in this segment I have to announce that I am the temporary wise woman for Roman Reigns.

Also I have a task from uncle. I have to persuade Nick Aldis - the general manager of Smackdown to cancel the fatal 4-way match since it's just unfair.

These past few days I met Jimmy, Jey and Solo. Very respectful men by the way. Uncle wasn't lying.

I have also been making friends with the women roster cause I do need female friends here. I can't only hang out with the Bloodline, right?

"Don't worry, girl. You got this!" Samantha tried to hype me up. She is the ring announcer and honestly we became close really fastly. In a few days, we know all about the life stories of one another. "I can't even wait to announce you. Ladies and gentlemen, accompanied to the ring by his special council, the wise woman - Sophia Heyman...oh my god" she started clapping excitingly and this made me grin from ear to ear.

"It sounds so good. You are so talented" I exclaimed. She is really, really good.

"Good luck to your fiancée, by the way" I wished her.

"Thank you so much" she smiled nervously.

"It must be nerve-wracking to have a partner wrestler, right?" I asked out of nowhere.

"Indeed. You are always worried about their health cause anything can happen in that ring and yeah..." she explained. "I just pray every day for him and for my colleagues, of course"

"Understandable" I nodded my head.

"Speaking of..." she looked around us and got closer to me. "What do you think about him?" I got puzzled for a moment.

"Ricochet? Well, I haven't really spoken to him but he seems like a nice guy" I replied.

"Not my fiancée...about Roman" she looked around again and whispered his name.

"Is he like Voldemort, why you so scared of saying his name? Well, he seems okay for now. Honestly, better than I expected but I had no expectations so." I shrugged.

"I think he likes you." she just spat out but this time she wasn't very quiet.

"What? Samantha...are you in your delulu moment?" I furrowed my eyebrows because she just said that so out of nowhere.

"Girl, literally look at you. That's what I'm gonna say. You are the woman that haunts men's dreams, no matter if they are single or taken." Samantha clarified.

"Come on." I rolled my eyes. Would lie if I said I didn't get this before.

"He is divorced by the way but you haven't heard this from me" Samantha switched to whispering again.

"What? I mean...how do you know? I mean, yeah whatever, I guess. Uncle is divorced as well." I shrugged. What did I just do? Now it will seem like I'm happy because of that fact.

"You don't get my point. What I'm trying to tell you is that you should be careful if you don't wanna end up being caught in his vice grip" Sam giggled cause she knows I got the reference very well. However, I was totally unfazed because I don't see myself with a man like him.

"Ha-ha, so funny, Samantha, ha-ha. Don't you worry about me. I have learned my lesson with you know who, so if somebody wants to impress me now, it's gonna be very, very hard." I solidified my intentions. Robert really gave me close to nothing and I was blinded just because he was cute.

"What are you two girls talking about so passionately?" I suddenly heard Roman's deep voice behind me and it startled me so much that I jumped a little. "Woah, calm down, wise woman. Am I a ghost?" he was exactly behind me and I looked up to him since he is like more than 7 inches taller than me. Roman had his eyes down my direction and a big grin on his face. "Tell me what are you two gossiping about. Tell me the drama."

"The discussions me and Samantha were having, Mr. Reigns, are strictly confidential, so I am not telling you. You ain't one of the girls." I sassed him out and he let out a deep chuckle.

"But you are my wise woman. You should tell me everything. No secrets between us." he suddenly tried to act offended.

"This statement, Mr. Reigns, is disputed. There is nowhere in the contract that signifies I should tell you everything about my life and vice versa." I immediately opposed to him.

"Always disagreeing with me" he looked at Samantha with the look of complaint. "Have you ever seen the Wise Man disagreeing with me, Samantha?"

"No, at least not here." she replied.

"Okay but I'm not uncle. Also the agreements are only for the camera. Behind camera, I'm not obligated to." I turned to him and shrugged.

Roman chuckled once again.

"Miss Heyman, I honestly find your attitude so cute. You think you are 'biting' like a snake but honestly, I'm having fun."

"Oh, you think that this is my bad side, Mr. Reigns? I have to apologize then. You are mistaken" I fought back.

"No, I didn't say that this is your bad side. Anyway, we have to start preparing for later, so the gossip session has to end soon, okay?" he suddenly turned all serious. This man's duality is insane. He can throw some random jokes one second and the other second, he turns into a serious man. Is he a Gemini or something?

"Coming after a while" I said and turned around to Samantha.

"I bet you will" I heard him saying under his nose and I turned to him again. When he saw that I heard him, he made that funny "oops" expression.

Until the very moment he got away, Samantha had a look of disbelief in her face.

"See what I'm talking about? Now I'm 100% sure. Soph, I have never...ever in my career seen Roman like this. He is so obvious, oh my god." she put her hand on her mouth.

"Is he a Gemini?" I asked out of nowhere. It's a tendency of mine since I remember myself.

"Uuh, I think so, yes."

"That explains a lot. And then people tell me astrology ain't real" I shook my head. "And how old is he?" I asked quietly.

"Let me think...uh, he is a bit older than Trevor. Two or three years something like this. In his late thirties for sure - 38, I believe." my friend suddenly started calculating. "This year he will be 39."

"What?" my jaw was on the floor. "Yeah, no chance. That's a...12 year difference, nuh-uh." I shook my head.

"But you thought about it" she started laughing and poked me.

"About what?" I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. "Anyway I have to go"

"Coming for him" Sam couldn't help but snore.

"Ha-ha so funny" I rolled my eyes.

...

"I'm here" I shouted after I got in the locker room. The whole Bloodline is there.

"Lil' OG." Jimmy came to greet me with a high-five.

"Lil' OG"? Solo seemed weirded out by the way Jimmy called me.

"Paul is OG. Sophia is his blood, therefore she is lil' OG." Jimmy explained himself and his brother just seemed done.

"She looks nothing like Paul."

"Nah, she has his eyes" Jimmy disagreed with him.

"Ah yes. The saphire blue eyes that I inherited from my late great-grandmother Patricia." I stated.

"You may not look like Paul but for sure sound like him" Jimmy concluded. "So are you ready for later?"

"Mentally kinda, physically absolutely not. I have to start dressing up and everything because after 10 minutes the makeup artist and the hairdresser will be waiting for me." I looked at my watch.

Then reached to the wardrobe to grab the outfit I planned for tonight. It is a two piece costume consisting a blouse like blazer with a deep cleavage but it also has a scarf that is going to wrap around my throat and also a long skirt with a long slit. The color is dark blue with thin light stripes exactly like my uncle's costumes. For shoes I chose beige lacquered high heels.

Where is Roman? He was so insisting for me to come here and now he is nowhere to be found.

"Paul Heyman : female version" Jimmy said in a narrative tone which made me chuckle.

"I don't think the crowd is going to notice the difference" I shrugged.

"Oh, they definitely will, trust me" Solo said seriously.

I suddenly heard steps. I turned on my right and oh my God, I shouldn't have.

The view before me is just...wow.

Roman fresh out of the shower with his wet, long hair, his big ass tribal tattoo and a white towel wrapped around his torso. Water drips falling onto his body like tears.

"Ah, you're here, Sophia." he said that as if he totally expected me and as if everything is on purpose.

"Yeah." I turned around and faced his cousins because if I stare for longer, I will boost up his ego. Damn, that man is jacked.

"So is the bathroom free? I have to dress quickly." I asked a rhetorical question but I tried to go as quickly as possible, so I don't look at him in any way. I went through like a flash honestly.

"Do you need help?" I heard him yelling at me.

"No?" that was so random of him.

"You said you have to dress up quick and you know two works better than one" he replied and that response caused me to open the bathroom door and he was still sitting there.

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Reigns but I have to decline this offer." after I finished, I slammed the door.

Is he out of his mind? Asking me this right in front of his cousins? Unbelievable.

Roman's POV:

I chuckled at Sophia once again. Damn, I know this woman for a few days yet she got under my skin. The way she looks, the way she talks, the way she walks. I feel betrayed by Paul, to be completely honest. How could he never tell me he has such a pretty niece?

"Uce...what the fuck?" Solo whisper yelled.

"What?" the grin on my face still stayed.

"Bro...you are hitting on Paul's niece" Jimmy called me out.

"Nah, I'm not. We are just joking" I immediately debunked Jimmy's statement and went to the wardrobe to search for my stuff.

"You don't joke like this...ever. Come to your senses, uce. She is way younger than you. How old is she?" Jon asked with a concern.

"I don't know. Probably 25-26." the looks the siblings exchanged between each other were full of shock as if I said she is a minor...come on.

"She is younger than me?" Solo seemed caught off guard.

"That divorce is blinding you." Jimmy started lecturing me. "You see a pretty woman and suddenly you want to sleep with her".

"I don't wanna sleep with her, you perverts. I just like her company, okay? Stop lecturing me." I tried not to yell at them because I don't want Sophia to hear me.

"Uce, you can't fool us. Look at her. A living Barbie doll. Get yourself together immediately." Solo whisper yelled but we all shut up immediately when we heard the door open.

"So how do I look?" Sophia asked, standing in front of me with that business ass little outfit and heels and so much unholy thoughts going in my head of how I bend her over and pull that skirt up and then...

Joseph, you should stop before somebody rises underneath and completely embarass yourself.

That woman is my dream personified and I don't care what my cousins think. I'm going to have her one way or another.

"Amazing" I cleared my throat. "Spectacular" I cleared my throat again, trying not to stare too much at her.

"Great" Jimmy and Solo threw her big grins and thumbs up.

"Thank you so much, now I'm leaving you guys. Bye. See ya later." she ran to the door and left the room.

"Holy shit" I sat on the couch. "I may be in trouble" I finally confessed.

"Took you long enough." Solo said sarcastically.

[respectthepetty]

wrt joong being emotional on social media (ie public), my personal take isn’t that someone shouldn’t have emotions, but rather that a public figure should be aware that anything the share or tweet in a moment of pique will last forever—not just in an archival sense but in the fandom’s collective memory as well. i come from a background where i am legally held responsible for anything i put on social media that could be ‘damaging’ to my company even if it’s on a personal account. not saying that’s fair or right, but that’s the reality for myself and many others. beefing with someone also signed to your company and intimating and dissatisfaction with your coworkers is something that would personally get me brought before a manager at minimum. again, this is just how it would work for me, but i’m guessing some other people in this fan space may be in similar circumstances and this also see these tweets and insta posts as unprofessional. there’s another possible discussion to be had here about the way society deems anything undesirable in a sort of mental illness-unprofessional venn diagram, but this ask is already long enough.

Anon (if this is the same anon), your response wasn't too long! It was perfect! And so was @waitmyturtles' response because it's getting at what I'm trying to highlight - his behavior could be deemed unprofessional, but not mentally unwell. I understand that the tweets and retweets are crude, but my resistance is aligning that with his mental health.

Just like you, I have a job that monitors my social media activities (if they can be found *wink, nod, Tumblr*), and if I wrote about my department mates the way Joong and Dunk are interacting, my department chair would have me in the vice president's office after the second tweet. I get it. But even if I did shit-talk my department mate on Twitter because she threw a party with my professional enemy (business instructors), I would be displeased if my chair connected that with me being mentally unstable.

There is definitely a "discussion to be had here about the way society deems anything undesirable in a sort of mental illness-unprofessional venn diagram" and after reading yours and turtle's responses, I feel we are all in the same boat, but coming at it in different ways. However, I want to emphasize that regardless of Joong's actual mental health, I do not attribute his social media behavior as a reason to claim he is unwell. Unprofessional? I see it. Unwell? That falls into that Venn diagram of unrealistic societal norms you mentioned, and I think both of us can agree that is unfair for us to place that label on him.

I appreciate your initial ask to me because it let me know that Twitter was popping off during all of this, and gave me more details to add to my "We Got Beef: Joong & Est Edition" pile, but I'm even more thankful you replied to the follow-up question.

[uncanny-tranny]

I think it would really benefit people to internalize that mental illnesses are often chronic and not acute. Some of us will never be able to jump the hurdle of managing illness, much less sustaining a sense of normalcy. Many of us will never "recover," will never manage symptoms, will never even come close to appearing normal - and this is for any condition, even the ones labeled as "simple" disorders or "easy-to-manage" disorders.

It isn't a failure if you cannot manage your symptoms. It isn't a moral failure, and you aren't an awful person. You are human. There's only so much you can do before recognizing that you cannot lift the world. Give yourself the space to be ill because, functionally, you are.

[mellotronmkll]

Just for fun I did this quick cover of this version of with the dark this morning because I can't stop thinking about it lately

[todayisafridaynight]

sometimes i get nishiki i really do

[theflyingfeeling]

I hate it here sm

[mutantenfisch]

Once again stuck in the loop of being stressed out about bureaucratic things that in theory should not the biggest of deals but having my brain running in panic mode because 'what if i do something wrong/piss someone off' and then not being able to do anything due to this weird kind of paralysis and now the not-so-huge bureaucratic thing has become Even Bigger And Scarier *and* other people are involved and my perceived shame and guilt over not being a functioning adult at least one fucking time in my life has made it Even Worse.

[willowfey]

starting to think maybe waking up with an anxiety stomachache every single morning and then needing to spend the entire day trying to get rid of said anxiety just to maybe have a few minutes in the evening of feeling relaxed before going to bed is perhaps not normal

[ningningkittie]

🦨

[steelthroat]

Heart-warming: Local pansexual makes the first move regardless of the fact they were almost having a panic attack from just being approached by the subject of their interests after 3 years of reciprocally languid staring contests on the bus.

[your-funky-human-companion]

lol just a small doodle of the squip

im trying to figure out a design that really fits the personality and this attempt was HEAVILY influenced by claudia cacace's version. im obsessed with their design and im pretty happy with how this came out

i think next time I want the jawline to be a bit more sharp because this face is a bit round but the squip is sharp and sleek and i think a heavy, thin jawline would match nicely

this doodle i focused on the line weight. like how the ones in the inner corner of the eyes are darker than the rest. or how the edges of it's face i tried to make pretty heavy.

i think im pretty proud of this

[running-in-the-dark]

just now realising that it's kinda weird that every damn thing I did as a kid, even accidentally, still gets dragged out all the time as proof of how mean and bossy I was.

meanwhile one of my brothers stabbed my other brother with a screwdriver and it's just so funny. one of them jumped on my back when we were fighting and hurt me so bad that I couldn't get up for an hour (and I got yelled at). one of them broke someone else's property on purpose and it's just a funny anecdote about how he and his friend had to pay for the damage. they stole cash and very expensive alcohol, so funny and cute. they got drunk all the time and started smoking at 12.

which is all fine. people do stupid things as kids. but it sucks that I'm always the difficult one, the one that causes trouble, the mean one. the worst thing I ever did was drop out of school because I was too terrified and depressed to keep going. this is somehow proof that I was such a difficult child to raise, so hard to be around. not that my parents completely failed me in every way, or anything like that.

my brother attacked me this year. but that's totally excusable because surely he had his reasons (yeah, I disagreed with him and wouldn't back down. great.) and I probably just misunderstood (how?!) and anyway it wasn't really that bad. he yelled at me for daring to disagree with him, insulted me and then grabbed me when I told him to get out. but he's just having a hard time and can't express his feelings well and can't I just forgive him?

but I'm bad for things I did when I was 15 or 10 or 5 or literally a baby. I'm bad for things that never happened. I'm bad for things that other people did. I'm just bad.

[faillen]

.