#and in doing so am being unfair to myself
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uncanny-tranny · 1 year ago
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I think it would really benefit people to internalize that mental illnesses are often chronic and not acute. Some of us will never be able to jump the hurdle of managing illness, much less sustaining a sense of normalcy. Many of us will never "recover," will never manage symptoms, will never even come close to appearing normal - and this is for any condition, even the ones labeled as "simple" disorders or "easy-to-manage" disorders.
It isn't a failure if you cannot manage your symptoms. It isn't a moral failure, and you aren't an awful person. You are human. There's only so much you can do before recognizing that you cannot lift the world. Give yourself the space to be ill because, functionally, you are.
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bunnihearted · 13 days ago
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ཐི ₍ᐢ. ̞.ᐢ₎ ཋྀ
#oooof... it's officially my birthday#and i always have bad anxiety the entire day#just seeing the date on my phone or ipad makes me wanna vomit :///#i just hate it so much....#i know it is dramatic but yeah.. :(( i just dont feel good at all and i never do#it's such a deep feeling of that i am so very unimportant#and all i am is a worthless burden on everyone and i should've never been born#i fantasize abt being important and revered and like...#i feel embarrassed even saying it lmaoooo but i fantasize abt my birthday being inportant#even if i know that as an adult and the older u are the less big of a deal birthdays are#it's just that i missed out on sm of it... so i still wish for it#but i feel silly for even feeling that way bc im asking for too much to be important at all#i feel demanding and unfair and expectant and#it is so much easier to just hate myself and wanna die lmao#rather than ...... disappointment and sadness... even after all of these years i still feel so saf#SAD******#and i see my old friends having birthday parties and dinners with a lot of guests on their birthdays#and they still post on eo's walls and like#i wanna cry..... bc i cant even imagine more than one person doing that for me and barely even that tbh#and ppl.. allowijg ME to be important and centered for one day...? thats batshit insane never would happen#allowing******#i know its oversensitive and dramatic and every year im like god shut the fuck up crybaby#u havent been important for years and years and years get over it%#!!!!!* and i try to do that but still every year i get so unbelieavably depressed#excuse me for still having this childish need to want to be important#the way see all of them be.... 🙄 ugh anyway#i wanna die so i can stop being a bother and a burden and suffer everyday bc im not allowed to exist 🙏#im really trying to be brave and shut up abt it but my entire chest burns and my heart aches i feel so so so bad i just wanna cry but i cant
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mellotronmkll · 3 months ago
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Just for fun I did this quick cover of this version of with the dark this morning because I can't stop thinking about it lately
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todayisafridaynight · 6 months ago
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sometimes i get nishiki i really do
#snap chats#like from an outsider perspective it is utterly hilarious watching everything go wrong for him#BUT GIRL NOT ME STOP HAVING THIGNS GO WRONG FOR MEEEEEE WHAT IS ALL THIS#this month its actually one thing after another if i start wearing white everyone needs to be concerned#you guys remember my bullshit roommates yeah well TLDR im getting fined for their messes im going to SCREAM#I HATE IT HEERRRREEE I KNOW IM EVIL BUT CMON#literally had such a silly night last night and now everything sucks again is this life is this what life is#its not its not what life is im just hearing my mom bitching in the other room and im letting her vibes ruin mine#everything going to be ok this is just a hiccup .... a small pinprick in the tapestry of life ....#i am incredibly annoyed though cause this is one of those situations where youve done nothing wrong but youre being shot for it#its just unfair but whatever we ball ..... im putting the hair gel away guys im not slicking my hair back just yet ....#i got a new friend last night so maybe ill just hang with them later and ill remember life is beautiful ..#heh ... jk ... i can remind myself life is beautiful right now ... im gonna go eat some tiramisu ...#jesus christ i really do love italian food what the fuck. pasta / calamari / tiramisu#i dont think calamari is italian but i got it from an italian place w/e we get the picture#its not my fault that italy has good food ... i would just never go there .....#ok bye ima go eat and drink water now. water will remind me how beautiful life is ...
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theflyingfeeling · 7 months ago
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I hate it here sm
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mutantenfisch · 26 days ago
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Once again stuck in the loop of being stressed out about bureaucratic things that in theory should not the biggest of deals but having my brain running in panic mode because 'what if i do something wrong/piss someone off' and then not being able to do anything due to this weird kind of paralysis and now the not-so-huge bureaucratic thing has become Even Bigger And Scarier *and* other people are involved and my perceived shame and guilt over not being a functioning adult at least one fucking time in my life has made it Even Worse.
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mekanikaltrifle · 2 months ago
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the mortifying ordeal of trying to talk to people and absolutely whiffing it
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willowfey · 1 year ago
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starting to think maybe waking up with an anxiety stomachache every single morning and then needing to spend the entire day trying to get rid of said anxiety just to maybe have a few minutes in the evening of feeling relaxed before going to bed is perhaps not normal
#the first thing i do when i become conscious is check my phone to make sure nothing terrible happened to anyone i love while i slept#i never ever ever have plans and if anyone Else has plans i feel sick with anxiety until they’re back from them#if i have smth planned that week i feel completely tense and on edge until it happens#i didn’t used to be like this i hate hate hate it#i used to feel safe in my little house in the forest where i knew everyone in town and knew my way around with my eyes shut#it’s still the only place in the world i feel safe. that’s so unfair#my separation anxiety is ridiculous. if my mom goes to the store and doesn’t answer a text right away i start panicking#if my sister goes to a class or smth idk what to do with myself until she gets back#if i’m in the shower or have the fan on or headphones in suddenly i’ll think i hear someone shouting and i’ll have to quickly turn it off#ever since i moved here it’s been getting worse. i don’t feel safe here to begin with i feel so out of place it’s unreal#but then covid and trauma with my mother’s health and my uncle dying and multiple relatives getting sick and things happening to my friends#i know i have ptsd from very specific things that happened and i live on a hospital path so every day i hear sirens#and every time i do it fully triggers an anxiety attack in me for at least an hour. and my mom too#since being here my hometown burned and friends i thought would never grow apart did and my brother moved out#i know a lot of that is just Being In Your Low Twenties but also some of my worst trauma has happened in the last handful of years and now#now i’m just always scared. always uneasy. always worried. never fully relaxed. never feel fully safe. & idk how to be myself through that#i’m always paranoid and i never trust people irl anymore. ppl my mom or sister meet. i am so suspicious of them constantly.#if anything small changes at all i can’t handle it. my ability to deal with change has gone so downhill#in the last 5 years of being here i realised i was autistic which led to me unmasking a bit and that. comes with pros & cons doesn’t it#my own health has declined. my body changed a lot in ways i wasn’t prepared for and i had to get rid of most of my comfort clothes#sometimes i just wanna sit on the ground and cry about it and not have to also be the one that picks myself back up. y’know???#but at the very least i’d love to just wake up One Day w/o feeling sick with anxiety already. just one day i want to wake up feeling rested#i want to be myself again but can i start with not being scared? not being tired? i don’t know what to do anymore#i just watch my comfort videos and read my comfort fics and stay in my daydream world
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hella1975 · 1 year ago
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basically threw away £20 on my nails today so was already getting weird bc i apparently cannot be normal about money and then my paycheck came through just for my manager to have knocked off 11 hours worth of pay. so naturally i am crying in a dark room about it
#this is such a girl moment wdym you’re crying about your fucking nails. couldn’t explain it to you if i tried#im just an utter FREAK about money and then for my payslip to get fucked as well. whyyyyy would you do that#im not built for the working world truly idk how sensitive people do it bc i am NOT im tough as shit 99% of the time and i STILL can’t deal#just give me my fucking money it’s not fair 😭😭😭 i worked hard 😭😭😭#and the dumbest brattiest part of this is that the thing that tipped me over the edge is that my mum didn’t offer to pay for my nails#like how ridiculous and spoiled is that but still i was so so angry at myself about fucking them up and it’s £25 to get them done tomorrow#and I’ve worked so hard for her this summer and both days I’ve been in town I’ve got her things#like nothing spenny but I’ve just thought of her and got her things I know she’d like just to be nice#and £25 is NOTHING TO HER AND SHE DIDNT EVEN OFFER 😭😭 she even joked it off#she was like ‘your dad would offer to pay if he was here but I believe in lessons’ GIRL FUCK YOUR LESSONS I WANT MY NAILS DONE 😭😭😭#why am i actually in tears over this. this is so silly. now all my money is fucked and im going to be the skint one when we go to dublin#AS USUAL. even though i worked hard and clocked the hours it still got fucked bc im fucking. cursed#im aware im being dramatic and this isn’t even about the amount of money i have atm i promise this isn’t some desperate bankruptcy claim#like for once im actually fine money wise it’s just all been FUCKED and my dates are now FUCKED bc i have to wait for next paycheck now#and it’s so unfair bc usually things go wrong for me bc im DUMB and mess it up LIKE MY NAIL APPOINTMENT#but for work and dublin i literally planned it perfectly and did the hours and it still didn’t work#like what is WRONG with me. i hate being an adult i need a sugar daddy ive had enough#the message I sent my manager…. scathing…. ik his scared of confrontation ass is panicking. give me my fucking MONEY#hella goes home
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ningningkittie · 7 months ago
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🦨
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steelthroat · 10 months ago
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Heart-warming: Local pansexual makes the first move regardless of the fact they were almost having a panic attack from just being approached by the subject of their interests after 3 years of reciprocally languid staring contests on the bus.
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lol just a small doodle of the squip
im trying to figure out a design that really fits the personality and this attempt was HEAVILY influenced by claudia cacace's version. im obsessed with their design and im pretty happy with how this came out
i think next time I want the jawline to be a bit more sharp because this face is a bit round but the squip is sharp and sleek and i think a heavy, thin jawline would match nicely
this doodle i focused on the line weight. like how the ones in the inner corner of the eyes are darker than the rest. or how the edges of it's face i tried to make pretty heavy.
i think im pretty proud of this
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running-in-the-dark · 1 year ago
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just now realising that it's kinda weird that every damn thing I did as a kid, even accidentally, still gets dragged out all the time as proof of how mean and bossy I was.
meanwhile one of my brothers stabbed my other brother with a screwdriver and it's just so funny. one of them jumped on my back when we were fighting and hurt me so bad that I couldn't get up for an hour (and I got yelled at). one of them broke someone else's property on purpose and it's just a funny anecdote about how he and his friend had to pay for the damage. they stole cash and very expensive alcohol, so funny and cute. they got drunk all the time and started smoking at 12.
which is all fine. people do stupid things as kids. but it sucks that I'm always the difficult one, the one that causes trouble, the mean one. the worst thing I ever did was drop out of school because I was too terrified and depressed to keep going. this is somehow proof that I was such a difficult child to raise, so hard to be around. not that my parents completely failed me in every way, or anything like that.
my brother attacked me this year. but that's totally excusable because surely he had his reasons (yeah, I disagreed with him and wouldn't back down. great.) and I probably just misunderstood (how?!) and anyway it wasn't really that bad. he yelled at me for daring to disagree with him, insulted me and then grabbed me when I told him to get out. but he's just having a hard time and can't express his feelings well and can't I just forgive him?
but I'm bad for things I did when I was 15 or 10 or 5 or literally a baby. I'm bad for things that never happened. I'm bad for things that other people did. I'm just bad.
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faillen · 2 months ago
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licorishh · 1 year ago
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Most people really don't seem to understand that friendship is a two-way street.
They expect you to wait on them hand and foot as they rant about and constantly pour on you either their issues or their passions and when you finally have something you'd like to talk about you get a "Man that sucks :/" or a "Cool" in return.
Find somebody who doesn't do that. Then you'll have your best friend.
#i know i ramble sometimes and i'm extremely grateful that my best friend puts up with it :')#but see then in return i do the same for her because it would be completely unfair for me to expect her to act like a wall for me to talk a#or when i wanna show her something and i can tell she's being polite and it doesn't personally strike her fancy I MOVE ON#and she does the same for me and we have way frickin better communication and we have a frickin rad friendship#it's give and take#and also can we bring back the idea of being able to work through some things on your own?#like i am ALL FOR having a support system that can encourage you when things go wrong but some things can be solved on your own#i shouldn't be bearing the burden of figuring out your life for you you know?#i'm absolutely willing to help but if you're just going to spend all your time complaining to me and never ever take my advice#then there comes a point at which i'm literally just acting as your therapist and that's not how friendships are supposed to work#i've become kind of the designated therapist in a lot of friendships throughout my life#and it is exhausting constantly being complained at (sometimes over very minor things)#only to have that person or people COMPLETELY ignore your advice every single time you try to give it#that's not friendship my dude that's using me because you just want someone to complain to#like i said. support system good. treating your friend like an emotional punching bag to let out your problems 24/7 very very bad.#like when i was feeling completely unlike myself and irritated and frustrated for three dang years straight#i didn't really talk about it much because i knew it wasn't the kind of thing advice was going to fix#so i wasn't in the discord servers every two seconds “MAN I REALLY JUST DON'T FEEL GOOD :///”#because when other people do this to me there comes a point at which i'm like “WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT”#like i've given you all the advice i have and you have taken absolutely none of it nor have you taken any action on your own#so now i'm just here to make you feel better about yourself and that's really not my job#emotional support is necessary. patting you on the head when you refuse to do anything to better your situation is not.#tl;dr people who refuse to do anything to better their situation other than complain to ME about it 24/7 drive me nuts#and it drives other people nuts so please don't do it to anyone#don't bottle up your emotions but also don't let them come crashing down and drown everyone you know#just because you can't be bothered to put ANY effort forth to contain them#emotional regulation is attractive~~~#society today has built such a culture of “it's not YOUR fault and if you cry about it hard enough someone will fix it for you” like no sir#sometimes it IS your fault and sometimes you DO need to take responsibility#and if it is your fault then absolutely no one but you is obligated to fix it
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mars-ipan · 3 months ago
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this is gonna sound incredibly virtue signal-y i fear but i have been feeling. so fiercely protective of all the transfems i've ever met lately
#marzi speaks#I PROMISE I'M NOT TRYING TO EARN GOOD BOY POINTS HOLD ON LET ME. EXPLAIN MYSELF HERE#obvs we're in kinda a tense political climate rn#and i'm noticing trends have been getting . increasingly misogynistic lately?#in like . a subtle but for sure still noticeable way#and women are being dismissed and all this awful shit#and ppl are going. completely mask off about it when the woman happens to be a trans gender#and it reminds me of when i was a little girl. and how my mom spent so much time in my childhood#training me to not stand for and take misogynistic bullshit from anyone. and to defend other women too#she taught me to assert myself in professional or academic environments. she taught me to stand proud and take up physical space#once as a kid my great uncle (who's always been a nut) didn't let me come on a fishing trip because i was a girl#when i came to my mom crying about it because i loved boats and fishing and my family she just about murdered him. completely tore into him#my whole life my mom has been there to tell me that people will try to put me down. they will try to overlook me or dismiss me#or make me feel smaller. and if i dare to get too confident i'll be labeled bossy or a bitch#and that no matter what i do i cannot let those pieces of shit win. i cannot let that stop me#and that i'd have to fight so fucking hard for it my whole life and it won't be fair but i will do it because i have no other option#and i'm seeing a lot of transfems having to navigate that now too#but they didn't get the privilege of being trained in this since day 1. they have to figure it out on their own#and the demonization right now is so strong that a single misstep can be. so dangerous#and it makes me so mad. all of that built up anger from every time i've had to learn how to not take misogynistic bullshit comes to a boil#the little girl scout in my brain who grew up forcing people to see that a girl can do whatever the fuck she wants fuck you is ACTIVE rn#she's angry. she's so angry. because she's seeing the same bullshit she dealt with in middle school being repeated again#anyways. transfems. i love you so much. you deserve so much fucking better.#i hope you can safely advocate for yourself. until then i will fucking yell and scream from the rooftops because this shit is so unfair#you should be allowed to succeed and you should be allowed to fail. and you should be allowed to take up as much goddamn space as you want#and wear whatever the hell you want. transfems i love you and i am so so angry on your behalf. modern feminism has failed you#and i am going to kill someone over it#remember to be loudly and unapologetically yourself as much as you safely can. do not let them crush your spirit
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