#and im still angry that she still is the tumor on my family that is ruining it

[rottingcompost]

the fact that at this point i dont even feel depressed or scared or anxious whenever i get reminded of my abuser and i instead get angry and start thinking and sometimes even saying the most venomous shit about her and wishing death on her. shes not really in my life much at all anymore but it still pisses me off and i still have to see her occassionally and at this point i feel like next time she tries to come to my apartment i wont even let her in and tell her to play in traffic or something.

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

i hate going “hey i might not be up to hanging out im just not doing well mentally” but also i know if im either constantly panicking or completely out of it while we’re hanging out then it won’t go well

[posyrosey]

i havent heard much about my sister's situation aside from that they finally went in to remove the tumors, only to find a giant one had grown since their last scans exactly 7 days prior (they hadnt seen a tumor even close to that size during the scans, when they went to do the surgery it had grown to be about the size of 3 fists) and that the doctors were afraid it was an incredibly aggressive & fast growing cancer, significantly lowering the survival rate. i know that they canceled the rest of the surgery, put her on chemo right away, and sent the mass in for biopsy, but i have no idea what the results are. quite frankly, im genuinely terrified to learn more. i dont think i can handle more bad news right now. ive been heavily suicidal for over a year now, and shes the one family member i have an actual good relationship with; i dont want to lose her.

but i cant escape the worry. i lie awake at night terrified that i'll wake up to the news that shes gone. the constant fear of her dying or getting worse even follows me to my dreams. just within the past week, ive had three separate dreams where i learned that she had died while i was busy, before i couldve said goodbye to her.

and the worst part is, my depression is so bad that i cant even allow myself to hurt over this! ill start crying over how afraid i am, and then suddenly im pissed at myself for being hurt and afraid over all of this. im not the one with fucking cancer!!! what right do i have to be crying about it? i have it easy! im not worried about getting worse, or the blood clots not going away, or how my toddler might be handling watching her mom get sicker and sicker, and im definitely not the one going through fucking chemotherapy! and no matter how many times i tell myself that im allowed to be hurting over the fact that my sister is sick, i still get so angry with myself for even daring to cry and i dont know what to fucking do anymore. how does someone convince their depression that theyre allowed to cry?

all ive done since her diagnosis is play stardew valley until i physically cant keep my eyes open anymore, because at least when im running my silly little pixel farm im not thinking about my sister or her husband or their daughter or even our mom (who has had depression for over 25 years and has to be going through so much worse than i am right now), and im sure as hell not beating myself up for crying.

i know running away isnt a good coping mechanism. i know it isnt. but at this point, all of the alternatives i know are to hurt myself in various ways, and at least with this im spending time with friends and im taking care of myself.

[cupcakequeen32]

I haven't been on Tumblr is years!! I come back to see a lot of my post have a shit tone of notes on them!! Sorry I never responded to any of them. The last couple of years have been very rough on me and my family. I got my own place in 2018 (finally), sadly things had gone down hill after that. My mother had been fighting cancer for 7 years prior, it was an on and off nightmare that, would go away and come back else where. She was first diagnosed when I was 14 (21 years ago) with cancer in her uterus. Thankfully her Drs caught it quickly and she had a full hysterectomy, and got a clean bill of health. 2014 not long after I started a new job, and was trying to quite smoking, (7 years smoke free now) we found it the cancer was back as a tumor on her vaginal wall. This started chemo and radiation therapy, and I watched her lose her hair, her balance, that spark in her eyes. It was a nightmare. But eventually with the help of the treatments, the tumor went away! Back to a clean bill of health. Shortly after 2018 they found spots in her lungs, so back in for more radiation therapy. Through this whole thing, my mom was always in high spirits 😊. Going camping with my dad, being with her grandbabies, she was living het life to the fullest. That was until her back started to give her issues, she was in so much pain from whatever was going on. To the point where she was paralyzed, to scared to move. Her Drs said it was muscle pain and gave her heavy duty pain meds....later we found out, before we were due to leave for Virginia Beach, that the pain was from the cancer. Which had now spread to her spine. But we still made our way to Virginia, a 6 hour drive which my mom was a champ through. We had planned to stay for a week, but ended up leaving early cause mom was not feeling well. This was in August 2019, by September she had gone down hill. Had to use a walker, barely eating or drinking, my dad took a leave of absence from his work. It was hard to watch, and i was in denial when they revealed she would be stopping her treatments. In October there had been talk of hospice, which shocked me cause that was last resort, that was making them comfortable till they passed. Mom assured me, this was just a better way of life...of course I knew that was a lie. Late October, I go over to visit and am shocked to see her in a hospital bed, with her oxygen tank helping her breath, and dad with a supply of morphine for her pain. She was partially unresponsive, occasionally she would open her eyes and take a small sip of water. Day after day, she got worse and worse and my family watched as she circled the drain. One day I came over to see my grandmother holding her hand and crying, my dad standing buy with tears in his eyes. Mom had bee mumbling saying "no more no more" and I begged her not to go, told her I wasn't ready for her to leave, that it was too soon. Very softly she said to me, "its ok sweetie" And with that, I ran out back and screamed, my grandmother followed me and held me. October 29th, 6:30 am, my dad calls me and says I need to come to the house. She just taken het last breath before I got there. I never thought I would see that day, she had only been 59 years old. I am so thankful for my family and friends, who were my rock through this. This coming Thursday will be one year since she left, and I'm a total mess. There are days when im happy, happy her pain is gone, and shes with her mom, my aunt and my grandfather. But then there are days that I'm angry, angry she stopped fighting, angry that she would give up and leave us. Thankfully the anger is short lived, but not a day goes by that I don't miss her, and wish I could hug her one more time. So there's that, and now we are in this fucking pandemic, and im so over it. But I will save that storie for another post. Im just happy to be back and getting back into my nerd mode!!

[meandmystuffs]

[Movie_Thai BL] My Bromance (2014) Spoilers/ Review/ Comment

Disclaimer: This is purely my opinion based on what I've seen in the movie. It is not my intention to offend those people behind this movie, the lgbtq+ community and those who are reading this.

Real Plot

Step brothers, Bank and Golf realized that their feelings for each other is more than just for  siblings. They were separated. They met again. They fought and met an accident. Someone fcking died.

Setting

Breaking down the setting for this movie helped me in understanding it a bit. This movie was released in 2014. The date in the tomb said 2013. Things happened around for 2 years so maybe, 2011-2012 is the right time line for this (please correct me if my wrong).

Golf, Bank and their friends were calssmates and high school students back then.

Plot, thorough re-telling cause it doesn't make sense to me

First of all, I'm not from Thailand so I don't know what was happening there around this time frame but one thing is for sure, same-sex relationship is still a taboo back then (this was presented in the movie).

Youth. A fun stage in your life where you think you know everything but you know nothing at all. 😉

Young love. I'm actually jealous. I never experienced this. 😢 But Golf and Bank did.

It was never love at first sight cause Golf was bullying Bank at first (no to bullying please) but then Golf had a change of heart and they had a good sibling relationship.

Until Thon entered. He's your typical singing guy, handsome, popular but gay. He never actually hide it. 🙄 He confessed his feelings to Bank which Bank rejected. Golf, acting jealous, received a surprise confession from Bank. Little did Bank knew, his feelings were the same. 😍

And then they were lovers. They're friends already knew and they accepted them. Their parents didn't knew cause they're not always at home 🙄 but they were caught by Golf's aunt when they were being lovey-dovey and all reasons went to hell. 😢

Now is the right time to unstan their parents. I was so mad at them I was crying so hard.

They talked first to Golf saying they should break up cause their love isn't accepted by society. The fck. Golf asked his father if he could accept him as his son, his father asked him to think of him, his family and his ancestors. Like, what? Then Golf said that if he wants him to stop being like this (trying to be with Bank), then his father should also try stop being with his new wife. 😣

His father threatened him that he will bring him to America to study and if he won't go, he will bring Bank instead.

Bank's mom said something that really broke my heart. 💔 "It's my fault for raising Bank this way."

Like the fck. Sexual orientation is not something you give to your child. It something they discover within theirselves. And you don't have the right to choose for them. Again, today is 2020 and this story is way back in 2014.

Golf went out. Bank came down and was begged, yes, they begged him to break up with Golf. 💔

This was so frustrating! How could they? I know they could but how dare they? 😭

Golf said his final goodbye to all of them when he visited their class for the last time, asking their friends to take good care of Bank and he doesn't know if he will ever be back.

There was this one scene that made me blew up. 😤

Bank's mother introduced him to another gay guy cause they are the same.

The fck! I have no ill feelings towards gays but seperating them cause they like each other and then pushing him to another guy? The hell with that! 😤

6 months later, Golf came back to Thailand with his girlfriend he met in America. Bank was so hurt he started dating Thon (yes, he's still alive) without feeling anything for him. Golf here was annoying to be honest cause he kept on pestering Bank. Then Thon made an ass of himself, he tried to make a move on Bank which Bank escaped safely.

Then the fighting happened. Golf dragged Bank in the middle of the street, shouting at him. While Bank was trying to get out of his grip, a car crashed on them.

This scene made me, wut??? 😲 Bruh. You don't fight in the middle of the road. That is suicide. Please don't ever do this.

They were both rushed in the hospital. Golf has minor injuries, said the doctor. Bank had an emergency surgery. One of his kidney was removed, the other one is not doing its job propery.

Golf then begged his father to allow him to donate his kidney to Bank cause they were brothers and he's the reason why Bank was in that situation in the first place. They met briefly after that, Golf in a wheelchair, Bank in bed, looking so pale.

And here I was, thinking about a happy ending. I just 🤡 myself here.

Then Bank was healthy again and was told that Golf returned to America. Bank was in their old room (they shared a room back then cause they were siblings) and started reminiscing the past.

They had a couple ring. Bank was wearing it like a necklace. Then one day, he returned the ring to Golf saying he wanted them to return to being brothers instead of lovers (this was way back before Golf went to America) cause he felt sorry for their parents. Golf was having none of this but did took the ring bank.

A year later, Bank was celebrating his birthday with his old and new friends. The scene was Bank was unwrapping his presents until the last one which was a small box. It was their rings. His friend handed him a letter and this was where I literally broke down.

Golf donated his kidneys to Bank. He was never in  America after the surgery. Yes. He donated both of his kidneys (I'm assuming both) cause he had a fcking brain tumor that was only detected when they had an accident. Golf fcking died. He fcking died months after the surgery. Their friends knew about it but their parents asked them not to tell Bank about it.

Screw them all. 😭 They robbed them of those precious times when they could still be together. 💔😭💔

Not being able to be with the person you love during your happy moments is one thing but not being able to share your pain, you regrets and your final moments with that person, I don't know, its just so unfair. How could their parents do this? They only have on this to do. Be a parent to their child and they can't even do it. My heart still cry for this moments. 💔😭💔

Bank and his friends visited Golf's tomb. They brought flowers and Bank left his ring there. Bank was doing monologues about having that *someone*.

Then this scene caught me off guard.

Golf's girlfriend holding a baby.

At first I thought, Bank and Golf's girlfriend did what??? 😱 But I realized, before the accident happened, an engagement party for Golf and her was supposed to happen. I feel sorry for the girl and their baby. She understood what was happening between Golf and Bank back then but maybe has the same circumstances as them, being told what to do by her parents.

Final thoughts

I did not know I was going to cry so hard for this movie. The first half was light, the second half was heavy I needed to pause and cry. 😭

I'm not sure what were the writers thinking when writing this movie. Is it to support same-sex relationship or to discouraged them because this too sad for me. 😭

I'm really disappointed to their parents, like super. I don't know the context in Thailand during this time but now, we are getting so many bl dramas with supportive families and I'm very happy and thankful for that. 😊

Bank and Golf were both 16 (if Im right) this movie and they did so well! 😭😭😭 The movie was a successs (I'm assuming) cause they made a series out of it (My Bromance: The Series) with a whole new casts.

Fluke Natouch (Bank) was so fluffy in here! 😭 He's smile is the same, he's crying face is the same, him being shy and angry are the same as today and he's just too adorable! He matured a little, I don't wanna say a lot (lols) but I think his acting is way better today (of course bruh, this was 6 years ago). 😂

Fluke Teerapat (Golf) was also good. If I'm not mistaken, this was his first movie ever and I can see his potential as an actor. And he was also in the bl drama SOTUS as a supporting character. I haven't seen this drama yet but I'm planning to. 😊 Hope he will have more projects in the future.

I'm hoping a reunion project with the whole casts! Except their parents. I don't want them near to Bank and Golf. 😤

I hope this is helpful. Its more of a ranting than a review. 😂 Please do watch the movie if you can. And please support the whole cast especially the Flukes! 😍

[myheartbeatskids]

Remembering the conversation with Caramel about them being forced gays...

Today, I have one thing to say about being in love:

You can choose who you fall in love with, by force. Like Leah tries to do to me.

Or you can actually fall in love.

There's a major difference.

Lets look at my previous marriage.

I wasn't in love but i liked Michael. Initially i had a serious bad feeling about getting serious with him. He was really someone i should not trusted. I knew that.

But he wore that down by allowing me to trust him. Like feeding me, buying me stuff, things like that. Plus i could stay at his house and he was never home.

So i had peace and no adult worries.

I was barely 22 and he was already in his 40s.

Then one day all his bull shit shined its light. Like how he was still married and I couldn't get on his insurance until after the baby was born.

But by then i was pregnant. I ignored every single warning sign like an idiot. Because it was easier.

Plus i had alot of pain and sickness. I was sick with inflammation, infections, auto immune diseases and even seizures.

So my priority was taking care of my and my kid's body.

Now, I know it was so that some rich douche would just paid Michael off and put me in a healthier place in the world. Just like it happened again and is currently happening.

Im not just saying that cause I know a rich douche, but i know someone who's taken care of me like my whole life and knows all my health conditions that I didn't and still dont know about.

Like, how i had a brain surgery when i was 6. Because one night at the bar, i saw my mom then started having serious seizures after that. And they had to remove a small tumor that had Since grown back. But as an adult, surgery isn't recommended unless the tumor creates other problems. Since I rarely have seizures its actually a non-issue.

Yes in the 80s, kids could go to the bar. Still can today in a more casual atmosphere such as chili's or Applebees.

We would go see the bands play at night.

And so back to non-falling-in-love...

I was taking care of our bodies, mine and my kid's. And that was the focus, for me.

Apparently my ex didn't care either way since he was cheating on me and claiming i cheated on him at work because that's one place where he was cheating.

I was crazy angry and impatient with him, though. Like if I told him what to do and he totally wasn't fast enough or acknowledging, i got crazy pissed.

He was annoying. Not my anger at him. Now i find anger at people annoying. Which is why i wait to write about people being stupid and annoying until i know there's really no other choice. It may not seem that way to many readers, but i do put up with a lot without saying anything publicly. Which is why I'm so stubbornly hard about it. And why i don't back down.

I take more time than necessary to whip someone's ass.

Because for one im not going to second guess myself later. For two, once i do it, I am not going to take responsibility nor care if im wrong. And thirdly, because I need help. Or they need help and my only solution is violence.

And my ex and my mom are those reasons why my only solution is violence, because they are violent and selfish and extremely greedy. And those are the people i complain about in my writings.

I'm not selfish nor greedy. And in my old age i have realized some people don't really deserve to live. If someone's sole focus is harming as many people as possible for no real reason, then why should they be allowed to do that?

I see and know the justice system does not work and so the only alternative to remove those people from society is death. That's my only answer.

We are all innocent till proven guilty. And we don't have to go to court for that. Facts prove guilt. Lies hide facts.

Anyways.

So i knew not to love my ex because i felt i had to. I appreciated him and took care of him. Buying food, a house, cooking dinner, cleaning.

When i was unhappy in my marriage i tried to make it better. Like having sex, initiating it and conversations and etc.

But it began to prove that he was one of those go to work and lay in bed having his dick sucked and not caring about maintaining a relationship. He wanted it to be one sided. Where i did all the work.

Well first off. I quit liking him early on the relationship when I couldn't get a break from the baby to clean because just him touching her would make her scream.

Warning sign from Hell i didn't know how to handle or what exactly it was that gave me extreme anxiety.

He wouldn't even do anything fucked up.

But I didn't understand why... I didn't realize her insight, infinite wisdom was deeper than I could have imagined.

Now i understand.

Most intellect kills natural intelligence.

Ill skip over her abuse because I don't want to go there.

I have a friend who is unhappy in her marriage and all the time she tells me. I tell her, give an honest try and see if you can be happy. It doesn't matter what he feels, id he can't make you happy then he never will. Just be open to what your relationship really is. Like is he trying but you're not noticing?

I did that with my ex. And good thing i did. Because as soon as i announced I was getting a divorce all my single friends said i was a stupid bitch. My dad said he would not take care of me and my mom acted like cunt.

Everyone turned on me. I told my friends, you like him so much, ill divorce him and you can marry him. We can still be friends.

I told my mom to burn in Hell and shut up and I told my dad i didn't need him to take care of me.

I got my divorce.

I thought I got married for love, for family.

I did. But the person i married, didn't.

He wanted a perfect 22 year old wife and he got what he wanted. But he didn't deserve it.

He gave me his entire paychecks every time, rarely ASKED for his own money, except when he needed gas or for the football pool or lotto ticket pool.

I had every single dime he made.

And it wasn't worth it. It wasn't worth him telling me my daughter whom had her own kitchen cabinet and set of dishes that she used an "adult" plate and left it and other random dishes under the couch.

Or how it was her fault that she put her sippy cup in the sink without rinsing cause he told her to put up in the sink (she had to throw it because she was so little) because he was too lazy to get up and rinse the cup.

Duh she would give it to him for a reason. Or how he would make 5 sippy cups of juice in one day instead of reusing the same cup.

Like it was all shit I could tolerate from a guest that was there like once a week at most.

Or if he just used adult sentences and explained with compassion instead of acting like a goof ball idiot that didn't care about shit.

It hurt to wash dishes. I did them everyday so they wouldn't pile up and we never used paper. Not even if we had dinner guests.

So fucking care. How hard is that?

You create a Hell of a lot more work when i have to scrape your nasty crust off a plate or have to soak and worry about a sippy cup having bacteria.

I can hear genuine in a voice.

And if you say sorry 40 times for the same thing, obviously you're not.

(I've never said sorry to you, Leah. Shut up, stupid bitch. Yeh, cool. Lie about it. Doesn't change FACTS)

And it wasn't just the dishes.

He was abusive to my kid.

He wasn't a good husband. Sure he put the dishes away the same day i told him, to. Sure he helped fold the laundry or just folded it himself.

But those are things he would had to do if he lived alone. I washed them. Switched them. One third was his. One third was mine and the other his kid's. So he was responsible for half his kids and his.

I even unloaded the top of the dishwasher when he started to become a lazy dick. And he was too scared not to unload the rest. Because I would use my adult words and explain I couldn't.

He didn't believe me but if the dishes piled up, I would refuse to wash them and so he would have to.

I did dishes everyday which was actually washing them by hand then putting them to sanitize in the dishwasher when it was full. Maybe 3 times a week.

I didn't care about his money. I cared about,the respect I got from him for my daughter and myself

And we got more money than respect, which we,got very little of.

How can someone not love themselves so much they would allow themselves not to be cared about in a proper manner?

That wasn't going to happen in my house and it wasn't going to happen to me or my kid.

I couldn't be forced into love.

Love exists between people. Or it doesn't.

There's a huge difference

Never sell yourself short.

I won't.

He rented my time but he never bought me.

I chose who not to love so I could fall in love

Not be pushed into it.

[ofblazefire]

PSA || Need help!

{Hello everyone! As some of you know, I’m in some real need for help. I am sorry about this being a long ass post but I will do my best to shorten it with read more, but please please read this if you can help donate, or even reblog this. I am in serious need of help. To make it simple here, I am in need of money to get out of a horrible living situation. I typed up what it’s like in my current living situation but it’s hard for me to type it all because that’s how awful it is and I want to forget it as soon as possible. I’m already even crying about it. But basically, I need help with money so I can get out of here and go to my new home and get the help I absolutely need! The info for donating is at the end of the post. Please help!}

Edit: I should’ve done this before but since I haven’t got donations yet I took out the email for my paypal and replaced it with a paypal pool! It shows how much I exactly need and how much I got so far. Please help!!!}

You see, I am currently in a terrible living situation. I’m 24, can’t drive (due to not having a driver’s license due to my family never teaching me to drive and getting mad at me about it later), flat broke (my back account only has ONE DOLLAR in it so that pretty much explains how broke I am), suffering from anxiety and depression that I need HELP for but cannot afford or even get a ride to any doctors that can help me, etc. I am stuck living with my father, earlier this year I was my mom’s caretaker (I was in between jobs and decided to care for her while she suffered from a heart attack and heart failure) but in April she died and it took it’s toll on me. My mother and I were somewhat close (had bad moments the most but she was the only one who shows love to me) and my depression hit me hard, to even explain how bad it was.... I would’ve killed myself but I tried to do that last year in October and scared myself shitless by it, never wanting to harm myself again. Instead I bottled my feelings which only made it worse. Keep in mind, I had two lovely cats that were helping me through my grief but a week after my mom died, my dad put my oldest cat down (we were planning to do this anyways due to her having bad tumors) and he took my pride and joy cat ( a ragdoll mix that I adored more than life itself) and gave her to a humane society. I felt absolutely broken after that. After that, life was getting worse for me. My dad is a cheap asshole who gets mad if I say I need something, especially if it means going to a doctor for some medical issues or anything. Basically, I gave up my medications. No medication for my mental illnesses and I felt ashamed if I need to go to a doctor for anything (had to go to a doctor three times for infections and my dad was pissed about the bills for it). So as you can see, I had to deal with my anxiety, depression, everything else on my own because I feared I would be yelled at or even threatened if I needed something, even if its personal hygiene products. You may be asking “Why do you fear being yelled at about such things?” Well, my dad has anger issues, to which he believes he doesn’t need anger management. A good example for this is a couple of days ago he was getting angry at his phone and went onto his laptop, yelling and cursing at it because it was slow and needed an update from windows. He was hitting the laptop and yelling so angerly that I was starting to fear for my life. When he gets mad, he gets insanely mad. He is the kind of person that if someone so much as looks at him wrong he could snap and maybe kill them. That’s why I fear for my life here. Ever since he got a girlfriend his actions have gotten worse, as if the girlfriend is encouraging him to do such things. I’ve been verbally and mentally abused by both my mother (when she was alive) and my father before, and now my father is doing it worse to me. Living with both my father and his girlfriend is getting much worse, they are doing things that show they don’t want me here. Let’s just say they are making me depression and anxiety much worse to the point that I may become suicidal again when I desperately never want to harm myself again. It may not seem like the whole living situation isn’t that bad but I have suffered from mental and verbal abuse pretty much since I was a kid. Now that I’m an adult who is still suffering from the abuse and can’t get away from it on my own I can barely function as an adult. My only way out is to run away and I need help for this, especially since my destination is another state. I need help, seriously. I feel like if I cannot leave here, I fear my dad will harm me or even kill me if I accidentally piss him off or I will give in and take my own life from suffering so much. I fear for my life, helping me get out of here will be a life saver and I will be so thankful to you all.

For those who read about my situation, thank you. Here I will let you all know about what help I need.  As most of you read, I am jobless, broke, and cannot drive. So for this I need money for ubers, buses, maybe even a train if I can find one. Also, the money goal I have will cover over suitcases and a throw away phone I will need. I do not have suitcases anymore, a mouse destroyed my old one and as for the phone, my current phone I will be leaving behind because it’s not in my name and I don’t want to “steal” it, especially if my dad finds out I’m gone and cancels the cell phone.

The goal I have in mind is $700. Again, this covers the suitcase, throw away/prepaid phone, ubers, buses, trains, in case something goes wrong, and of course after arriving at my destination I can get things like soap, shampoo, and other things I may need. I need as much help as I can get and again I will be so thankful to you guys helping out by donating and/or reblogging this to show to others who can donate. All the money I swear will only be used to get me out of my hellhole of a living situation. Any extra money that I have from this after moving will be saved just in case something goes wrong until I can get a job.

Again, the goal is $700 dollars and here is the link to the paypal pool!

https://paypal.me/pools/c/89KZL9HciB

Please, help. I never asked others for help like this becasue I never thought I was good enough or thought my situation wasn’t that bad enough thanks to my depression but I have nowhere else to turn! If you need anymore information then please message me! My inbox and IMs are always open! I just updated this post with the paypal pool!

[hyunjins--laugh]

How are you?

k so this is how my day has gone so far also fyi this is the second time is typed this out bc the first time I did it on tumblr and it glitched and I forgot to copy it to my phone so I lost the whole thing so I'm kinda mad about it tbh but like I'll do my best to recreate what I just typed --I had to wake up at five am today to ride a bus to my choir contest which isn't actually a contest its just you go and sing in front of a judge who gives you a score and then you can go home bada bing bada boom so I'm in this mixed double quartet and we ended up getting a one, which is the highest score and allows us to go to state. so we do that and we are all excited and happy and highfive a lot and stuff and these people are like a family to me so like yes I love them so then I end up riding back home with one of my best friends because my family actually couldn't end up going because they were visiting my moms older brother who just figured out he has a hard tumor in his sinus and yeah so we went to McDonald's and I slipped cause it was rainy and slick and basically skating has ruined the nerve system and feeling in my legs so it didnt hurt and I laughed it off even tho they were super worried about me right and then we got home and I finally changed into shorts and a shirt from the dress I had to wear all day and we spent idk how long chilling in her room I was on the floor rolling around and she was chilling on the bed and we had a good time and then her mom called her down to do something which ended up taking a while so I grabbed my cardigan (its soft and coffee colored and I love it and it has pockets and ahhhhhh) and I used it as a pillow and took a little nap on her bedroom floor yes it was comfortable and then soon after I woke up my family got back and picked me up and then we had a family feud at church and like I served chili and almost threw up and had a headache all night but still laughed and had fun and stuff and shoved my sister's face in a plate of peanut butter for a minute to win it game they did and it was good and then we cleaned up everything and I cleaned tables and whatnot and we got home and I'm taking off the makeup my mom made me wear to contest and so I'm chilling in my room and my best friend in the universe texts me congrats on making it to state and then she vents to me about her asshat of a dad and like she accidentally left the cardboard on the frozen pizza causing it to get soggy and so he threw it all over the kitchen and totally overreacted and basically told her she couldn't go to our team skating practice which is tomorrow and its mandatory and he also made her mom cry and stuff so this was kinda a huge deal and then so he went and sulked in their basement while they (her, her mom, and her little sister) talked and did a face mask and stuff and lemme tell you a bit about her dad... oh man dont even get me started. he overlooks my friend cause her little sister is a very talented skater and has been doing it for waaaayyyy longer than my friend, so he always looks at the younger and never really sees how much work and effort she puts in even when isnt as good as her little sister so he overlooks her and harps on her a lot and generally causes her very much stress so yeah and hes generally a kind of aggressive person like I know he loves her but also he's very tough on her Mentally like he doesn't even go to our competitions or watch videos or anything and so yeah I'm just generally worried about her mental state RN and then plus I've been feeling like I wanna cry for a few weeks now but I'm not a cry person, I only cry when I'm really really angry or frustrated, or during sad movies but that doesnt count but so like idk how to release all my emtions and stuff sk im also wary about my mental state and just generally speaking I'm having a very tough time plus school is so so much work and I want to be out of high school and fine with this shit and I'm only a freshman cause I missed three days worth of logarithyms nfoted from having the flu and idk whats going on plus we had two lengthy assignments due in health idk how to do plus an essay in english and civics due all on monday jut i have to get up early and sing on band for church and then I have s skating private lesson I have to go to and then I have a three to four hour long synchro practice with one of my coaches who is passive aggressive and I do not much well with him and so I don't have time to finish my hw in time before when it's due monday and I'm just gonna explode one day PLUS I'm lonely and kinda want a bf but not one that's just cute like one k can be myself with and laugh and cry and hug always and hold hands and be comfortable with and I want someone to love me like that cause ive never been told that someone liked me or wanted to date me before ever in my life and that does something for a person's confidence and I'm just slowly losing motivation to even do anything

so that was yesterday, get ready for today...actually today was a bit better and i got tired of typing so its pretty short

I woke up at 6 am and went to 8 am worship practice (I woke up at six cause my dad had to be there early to set up the stage and tech booth and mics and stuff, he does that for my church) and then  so I had to sing and then after church we went to lunch with some close family friends and then I had a private lesson at the ice rink so I got there a little early and ended up tripping and falling really hard on my left buttock, so it hurt to skate and stuff and I had a half hour private lesson before I had a three hour team practice and I got frustrated and was in pain and I'm tired and still stressed about school and I just need a break from everything