#and im secure in myself and my hobbies and what i like and what i want

[heich0e]

liv i hope u kno that u genuinely seem like one of the coolest ppl to me. u talk abt thrifting or something ur doing for fun and it just seems so cool idk how else to describe it😭 just a girl enjoy her life and hobbies <3 so fun and cute

thank u but i swear i'm not cool i'm just 27!!!!

[skunkes]

I hope this question isn't out of line, but I'm curious what you would say Al's biggest flaws are! Talon's flaws are very front and center in his characterization (in a good way!) and I feel like Al's are maybe more subtle or he's better at hiding/managing them 👀

i feel al's flaws seem very like, job interview "oh my biggest weakness? Ummm i work Too hard" if just listed in bullet points, but it fits for him. he's actually had a pretty secure upbringing with only a few outlier incidents

The working too hard is/was one, as he's worked through it but the capacity for such a thing is still there, he's the kind of person who will get tunnel vision over something, big or small, and "finding it easy to prioritize everyone but himself" is another constant and strange mix.

There have been points of his life where knowing him was like dating a surgeon, and you wouldn't hear from him for very long since he was constantly filling any amount of free time in his life with Something to do so he could have some alone time (which was the opposite of what he needed at the time due to the event that caused it) so that he wouldn't have to think about himself or taking care of himself. This would be any and everything, excessive activity and unhealthy amounts of exercise, odd jobs, meticulous hobbies in isolation. Stopping/relaxing for even a moment would mean it would take longer for him to be Useful to others again once he "got over" what was happening to him, though all of this also made him not want to be around others for long

Once that has been managed it's still easy for him to prioritize others because he's a caretaker at heart....he loves being a safe familial figure to everyone. The mom friend, the dad friend. This alone isn't bad but it is when paired with all the other stuff. I've talked before about how he was bullied by a teacher in his childhood for being the biggest (height and weight) in his class, and made an example out of for being "potentially dangerous" because of this, in order to keep his classmates in line.

This is partially why he struggles with putting himself first and also leads (more "led" bc it's gotten better but the potential for it to get bad again is still there ykwim) to him bending to the whims and needs of others because well if he stands up for himself people will be Scared of him, the big, tall, inherently dangerous (<- instilled in him as a child) man. He loved caring for others even before his bad schooling experience but it made it worse with "if im nice enough to others and do whatever they want nobody will ever see me as dangerous. And also without Taking Care of Others or putting myself to work I'm kind of a useless person, my worth is what I give to others."

He has also gotten better with this and it's easier to spot and intervene before he dips too far into that mental pit. I hope dis all made sense wrt the question, it felt important to mention it vs just being like "ummm workaholic sometimes, cares about others TOO much"

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for using my moms money to buy games?

The title sounds bad, but I'm not sure how else to word it. This is also going to be a weird one as, in advance, I know the other party isn't an asshole, however I think it's a similar situation im tone and I really need some feedback on this.

I'm 22 and live with my mom and cat. I've lived with her my whole life, and continue to due to disability. My mom has 2 jobs that she mainly works on weekends, and I'm unemployed. Ever since covid it's been incredibly difficult for me to find work because it is still very much a thing despite what people want to believe, and I can't be in contact with random people physically due to immune issues and the chance of getting sick. Online jobs are apparently very hard to find (my mom has tried) and many ask for a payment beforehand. I do however get social security income that pays most of our bills/utilities, and we're also on foodstamps for groceries.

My family has never been well off. I wouldn't call us dirt poor, we've never had to go hungry, and I always had toys to play with/clothes as a kid. But my mom has had to manage funds well and we've never had a lot of money for leisure or frivolous purchases. My mom will buy herself things like some new clothes, a phone charger, roku set, etc smaller things like that when she gets her paycheck but extra expenses such as furniture have to be planned out probably weeks/months ahead of time. We also moved recently and ever since then our budget has been more difficult, the down payment really screwed with my moms expenses.

Because of our situation, I never really had games growing up. I remember we had maybe 3 big family consoles during me and my sisters whole childhood (with like 3-6 games on them each, most of which were guitar hero which my mom and sister loved to play), and I would get a new handheld for myself every few years. I never got to play the new exciting games people were always talking about, and my gaming experience has really been limited to like. Animal crossing, the sims, and cooking mama.

I played a bunch of roms as a kid so that helped, but I was always kinda sad and felt left out that I never got to experience gaming the way other people did. I really wanted to try the "classics" people talked about but didn't have any way to. People (especially as I got into my 20s and started following streamers + nintendo direct for example) would always talk about the New Thing coming out and playing it the day it dropped, all the excitement and community people had around that, but if I really wanted that kind of game, I'd have to wait a few years before getting it and trying it out, and by then no one was playing it anymore anyways.

As time went on things got a little better. Especially because of my moms new jobs, both of which she genuinely loves doing, though it's still work, we have been a bit better off. It's only been recently we started struggling more again.

Recently I've been kind of asking for things from my mom. Mostly it's steam games. I found I've gotten much more into gaming as a hobby as I've gotten older, and I have a long wishlist of games that I really want to get into, but of course have no money to myself. I should also clarify that NONE of these are those big triple A $60 titles, as I still can't ever justify paying something so expensive for one game. So sometimes lately I've been asking my mom "hey, can I get this/these games?" And use her money/card to purchase them. I don't do it constantly, or even super often, but I feel like it's becoming more often and it makes me feel really guilty.

I have done this before, around high school I started asking my mom for certain things I wanted around the house, and usually she had no problem buying them for me. This also wasn't large stuff, nothing ever over $30 and usually only up to $20. But when I'd find something I *really* wanted, especially if it was a time limited thing like merch drops from a favorite content creator, often yarn for my knitting or art supplies I wanted to try, I would ask her.

I've pretty much always felt guilty about this. I would ask for something despite my better judgement, and for the most part my mom would say yes, and that it was okay, whereas I was the one apologizing and asking if it was "really alright". She has told me she has no issues buying things for me as long as I ask her. She says the social security I get is "technichally my money", and that she wants me to be able to use it. (Obviously we don't use the actual ssi to buy random shit, but her giving me spending money is the next best thing).

Every time I've asked my mom for something like this, I've told myself that it would be the last time, that I would get my own job and own money and not mooch on my mom anymore, but both with the stress of chronic illness and depression I never seem to get around to it. I try to do dishes and keep my room clean, take care of the cat etc as ways I can help without working, but for some reason the money really weighs on me. I know that it's really my fault, I haven't even been looking for jobs and I could always take art commissions again, but somehow a mental block always stops me.

I feel like I have a bit of an impulsivity problem when it comes to spending. The money I got from my one summer job and commissions would never last long, and honestly I couldn't even tell you what I spent it on for the weeks I had it. I have issues taking money from people, but when I realized that I may not have had the stuff I wanted as a kid simply because I never asked for/communicated that I wanted it, it made me more bold to actually ask my mom for things.

I never pester my mother about this. I'll ask once and if she says no I'll be dissapointed but won't continue. Sometimes she says that we don't have the money for it then, or that I'll have to wait until xyz thing is paid for, which is always fine. I also have *never* bought anything with her money without asking first. I get pretty much all the steam games I buy on sale (usually that's what prompts me to ask about them, actually) as personally I can't justify getting games for their asking price for the experience I'm going to get.

I feel bad as I feel like I'm wasting our money, mooching off my mom and not putting in the work to have spending money myself. I also worry that sometimes when she says it's fine, it's untrue and she's really just trying to make me feel better. I also sometimes don't play the games as soon as I get them, I have a sizeable backlog of games I have gotten but haven't "got around" to playing as I was excited to get them at a low price at the time, but then haven't felt like I'm in the right mood. This also makes me feel worse because I feel like I'm not being appreciative enough of her buying for me.

So am I the asshole?

What are these acronyms?

[cowboyjen68]

hi jen! i've know im a lesbian since I was 12, but because of my problems with socializing i've never actually had ANY romantic interactions(my lesbianism making things even harder, as you can imagine)

i'm almost out of high school and going to college, so i'm feeling very down about missing out on teen romance but dont want the same thing to happen again. do you have any tips on what i can do to avoid this problem in the future? i am genuinely clueless on what to do when looking for a partner, really

even if you dont actually have any advice to give i still really love your blog, it reminds me that lesbians can actually grow old and live happy lives💖💖thank you for hearing me out and i apologize for any grammar mistake!!

This is pretty easy because, while it was pretty outgoing and friendly, it was often not as my full self. I kept my horse girl, lesbian, butch and weird music and hobby side of myself under wraps from most of my friends. I had no word for lesbian or butch but my high school best friend knew I probably liked girls, we just never discussed it and it didn't bother her. It might have been harder on our friendship had I tried to come out in the 80's, not because it bothered her but the insinuations of all the others about our relationship would have been A LOT for a high schooler.

I waited until after college graduation and I used to sometimes look back and wonder how many times I missed out kissing a girl in high school or other women in college. How had twinges of regret for not having sex or even attempting intimacy with women.( I mostly avoided boys too because ew)

As I was sitting in a miserable passionless marriage to my wife of 17years, I pined for that passion and tingle that i had with my first girlfriend from ages 23 to 30. How many times did I miss that feeling with girls in my high school or college or at summer jobs because I was unsure of myself and not confident that any woman would find me attractive. I was even unsure if loving a woman was something I could do. Was it a real thing?

Looking back now I realize I just was not ready and most of my young friends in high school were not ready for me to be out and opening attracted to the same sex. I had fun in high school, made friends and had a small group of girls I was very close to. I enjoyed those friendships perhaps because I did not come out and cause those bonds to be strained.

In college I was concerned how my parents would react and I was in no way independent from their financial and emotional support. My friends were all around me experimenting with their sexuality and I was watching from outside, really wanting what they had but not willing to give up my security and college education to be open about being a lesbian. I knew I could just "do it and hide it" but I was not built for the stealthy life. I know if i was loving loving women it would be hard to be quiet.

Here is the point I am getting at with the sharing of all these experiences. If you were not ready to act on dating and attempting to date it is probably good that you listened to yourself. We are not on a time line and many young people feel pressured to date when their confidence, sexual maturity and social skills are not ready yet which can lead them to be vulnerable to abusive, controlling or unhealthy relationships. It is hard to listen to your own intuition and set and keep boundaries when you are trying to date just to not be the only one not dating.

What you more likely missed out on was not the thrill of dating but the hassle of pretending you want to date when it didn't feel right, at all.

You are heading to college. You are now becoming interested in the excitement of dating on your own and not because others think you need to date. You are craving the touch, the tingly feeling and the companionship of women. These are all good signs you are ready to date.

My advice:

1.Be honest with yourself and then her (your date) every time. Do not go on date number two if it does not feel right. If you are unsure go on another date but continue to listen to yourself.

2.You deserve passion and mutual excitement to be in the company of a woman. If one of you do not feel it, move on.

3.Do not stick to a relationship because it is "ok" or she is "nice" . You have the right to sexual, emotional and intellectual stimulation. Look for it and don't settle.

4.There will be other women so don't cling to the first one or the one willing to stick around just because she is there. If you don't feel all the afore mentioned excitement, be honest with yourself and her and move on.

5. Dating a woman with whom you share many wonderful moments and lots of joy does not mean you will be together forever or have that expectation. Short term love is a thing and neither of you are failures when that fades out.

6. Ask her. If you see a woman that interests you be clear that you would like to take her on a date and you have romantic interests. Don't be vague or try to use hints. This leads to miscommunications and false expectation every time.

7. Finally, use all the dating and flirting and breakups and heartbreaks and joy and fun and memories to form who and what you are looking for as a partner. All that experience is giving you a better idea on what makes you truly happy.

You missed out on nothing. The adventure is just beginning and it can start with a simple "Hi, I think you are cute. Would you be willing to go on a date with me?" She might say "no", but she MIGHT say "yes".

[asexuwales]

i dont know who i am

what is my identity

i like lots of things

i also dont like alot of things and i know what they all are

i appreciate some things but sometimes they dont really hit the same when i actively think about them

like shadows and such

they seem so pointless out of context

idek who im trying to be

well

im trying to be someone with a sense of self

but as a nihilist it doesnt work out too much

people say im not a nihilist because i have a job i want to do and hobbies

nihilists dont just sit around doing nothing we do get bored

but how we would love to

there isnt a point to anything

maybe were big thinkers who see too much outside of the big picture

whats the point in spending so much time earning money when it was just a system set up because we accidentally discovered fire

if you dont comply to the government in anyway the only way is jail

maybe jail is a nihilists endgame

i wouldnt mind being in jail

but other parts of me are relieved that ive finally found somewhere to belong

my insides clash i guess

growing up without a stable base or stable reliable people in my life leads me to want to find a home

but my personality wants to just give up because life is so fucking boring anyways

so why dont i give up its supposed to be the easy way out

but it really isnt

the paperwork

the possesions

the relationships

having to change my stable base again

japan has become the longest stable place ive ever had

which is crazy to think about

the longest ive ever stayed in one place is like 2 years

the dragon was 5 years but i changed house and people like every 2 years

even before i started boarding we didnt stay in a house longer than 2 years

but why do i desire a stable place to stay

was it really that awful

because i didnt notice it was awful

it was just life

idk how it would have affected me

this stupid sense of self affects every part of my life and my work

the problem i have with literally everything stems back to who am i

i really dont know who i am

its messing me up

i dont know how to find out who i am when i already know what i like and what i dont like

what am i missing

i really feel like im missing something

its not as simple as what i like and what i dont like

theres something else

that everyone else seems to have no trouble understanding

i really need help with that

but i dont know how to work around to that because everyone always stops at what i like and what i dont like

what other parts are there to me as a person

what creates a personality

INTP

im introverted i get my energy from being alone

im intuitive i activley search for new things and enjoying changing my opinion and evolving

im a thinker i make decisions logically and analyse things before i feel them

im a perciever im more random and spontaneous

but that doesnt tell me anything i dont already know

if i enjoy learning things why am i a nihilist

who do i think of myself as a nihilist if i constantly want reasons and answers

WHAT THE FUCK AM I MISSING

when i talk about my likes i dont actually like them

but when i see them i like them but i think about how i dont like them when talking about them

that doesnt include my interests

specifically naruto ive never been bored talking about naruto

what music do i like

all music music is better than no music no matter what it is

what movies do i like

dead poets society

which is crazy but its a movie about optimism

i know i dont like romance

unless i do

then i do like romance

a very specific lack of fluff but not toxic kind of romance

i wear tshirts and baggy trousers

i dont wear skinny trousers because theyre uncomfy to sit in

that's probably because they dont fir properly

but i dont have the money for properly fitting skinny trousers

they gotta have a stretch

i lie about alot of things

i paint myself as not a lier

but i really am a chronic lier

lying gives me a sense of security i think

i can control what others perceive me as

but i dont want others perceiving me

do i want control

i know people find me annoying but thats been so oversaturated in my life that i really dgaf anymore

everyone finds me annoying and theres nothing i can do about that

i like the dark

idk how to talk about things deeply

im so surface level

so why do i do therapy

i feel like i have nothing deep to talk about

because im so surface level

so why am i like this

i wish other poeple would try to understand me as much as i understand them

if im surface level why do people not understand me

maybe my worst fear is that im making all this shit to be way bigger than it actually is and that im just a normal person with some sort of victim complex

just sick and tired of life i just wanna lay down and never wake up again

i wont be losing anything when i die

[cherrycokedup]

i need liked posts to be turned off on tumblr guys i dont need to see that my mutal liked the post "getting FREAKAY in the freak room part five million" like im happy you have hobbies. hobbies are great actually! just. i dont wanna see it, its like getting a cruel vision from the lord above of what your friend is doing at any given moment and it's like the deepest privaacy violation ever. it's like if i was walking down the halls of school and a random person walked up to me and shoved a photo in my face of someone having a moment. like good for them, really, but also i dont think i was authorized to see this information and i dont really thing i wanted to see this information. i feel like some type of wild ass archive of all the sins of my mutals because obviously im not gonna walk up to their dms and be like "hello kind and beloved friend, how was your binge on lego ninjago dick sucking?" because that is insane. how am i supposed to kindly tell me friends that their tumblr is backstabbing them and showing all their muatals their liked posts unprovoked on my dashboard. yknow what is my worst nightmare to see? " liked by --" sometimes it is good and a fine post, and i can like it too. i like it when you can share in our liking and not reblogging! but too many times it has me learning something i dont think i really needed to know. and who knows. maybe i did need to know. maybe the reason tumblr is showing me that my friends are liking "𝖂𝖍𝖆𝖙 𝖎𝖋 𝖞𝖔𝖚 𝖜𝖊𝖗𝖊 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖙𝖗𝖚𝖓𝖈𝖍𝖆𝖇𝖚𝖑𝖑𝖘 𝖋𝖆𝖛𝖔𝖗𝖎𝖙𝖊?" is because it is trying to broaden my horizens, it is trying to show me a whole new world of debachery. which sure, introduce me away but i am like not very open to this because you opened the introducion with "you know what your friend of three years that you just helped write a college submission essay has been really into lately?" like i know they have been into spreading love and joy and kindness. i know they have been into their stardew farm. i know they have been into getting a job. and yet there is more horror to come. you know what REALLY horrifes me about this tumblr feature? it's the idea that tumblr might be snitching on ME. it fills me with all the fear of someone who did not pack a bomb going through airport security. because what if once in 2018 i did pack a bomb and now tumblr is coming onto my friend's dashes with a creepy grin, waving around a screenshot of me packing a bomb and going "LOOKY, LOOKY HERE. LITTLE FUCKING SLUTTY BITCH WHORE OF THE CENTURY LIKED AN EMBARSSING FANDOM SEX POST FOURTEEN YEARS AGO." except it would not give them the timestamp. for all my friends would know, i liked that post today. everyday i check that my liked posts are still private. everyday i go into my tumblr settings and make sure that the "share your liked posts!" switch is off, like im the guy who has the watch the nucular reactor radar but on a far more worst and catastrophic level. i feel like the last one of my seer kind, unable to forget or turn off my wretched visions, and I cannot tell any of them for they would not understand so it is my curse to bare alone, until I die out. It is my curse to know that some people in the world, some people who i look upon with all the fondness in the world, people I would save over myself in a heartbeat if it came down to us standing at the end of the world and there is only enough room in the saftey shuttle for one more person, it is my curse, and mine along to bare knowing that that person liked a post of Jack in the Box mascot having his bare ass cheeks on display for the rest of the world. If there is a way to be done with this torment, I do not know. I have scoured the settings and the only option i can find is to hide my own likes, and hope any sins of my long forgotten past will stay locked in a vault so deep even I can't dig them out, even I can't remember what they once were.

[toyfii]

sometimes i get obsessed looking at posts talking about "hating my kind" of people. i stop myself from feeling any hatred in return. what's left is a very strange emotion that i can only describe as curiosity. inside, i can tell that i am hurting from it, though... but another side of me is addicted to that pain because it, and the posts im seeing, reaffirm my self-degrading thoughts and push me closer to ending everything.

my life is such a swinging pendulum of "im not going to try, im useless, belong nowhere in this world, and will kill myself soon" and "lets try to do something in the world, lets continie with my hobbies, eventually ill find a community and friends". back and forth. back and forth. back and forth.

my life is so polar. just like our society and the online world. so much binary. everything is a dichotomy. and i belong nowhere. i dont feel truly accepted anywhere. i have to act fake and put on personas to feel like i belong. there is no real me. what everyone sees is my assumption of what they want to see. there's no point living if you aren't accepted anywhere, right? no point living if you've never truly lived before either.

i like helping people. i always want to help people. i dont think its because im a good person though. i think its because 1. i feel secure knowing that the other person depends on me, so they probably wont leave me and 2. i wont be indebted to anyone, so if i kill myself i dont feel guilty for wasting other peoples time and effort.

i dont and probs will never put tags on my stuff because i dont belong anywhere. i dont fit the requirements, im not like any of them. i wont be accepted, id just be a fake and pathetic loser who needs to learn their place in society.

if youre reading this i love you so much /p you are really amazing. one positive social interaction can change how i feel 😭 thank you so so so much youre so amazing. im really eepy now i think ill fall asleep...

[cannibal-nightmares]

semi-incoherent babbling

terminal velocity. I'm trying to reamin hoepful and keep the arrow in my mind straight, to pretend normalcy, but he mentioned i might be burnt ou t and he is aboslutely correct. i have too much on my plate. I regret to say that my hypothesis on my trip was correct in that i figured it was going to be a throw of the parking brake only for the lurch forward once it was let off again. dgmw im glad I did it and Im glad I went, but it felts like temporarily ejecting a tape i had to inevitably put back in, in terms of attempting to soothe my focus. and i dont mean "too much" as in mild annoyance in my circumstance or of fun things and plans that i can just move around and cancel, I mean "too much" to the point of feeling o nthe edge of defeat w no way out. I'm struggling to reply to people appropriately or at the very least to a capacity I would prefer to would otherwise intend (in timing or pattern or depth or without mask). I have so much of work and personal work, I try to fall to hobbies and art as an escape but evern thinking about personal endeavours makes my ears ring. its not anyone's fault, it's all just become a lot and then some and more. I keep thinking about three things: "ceci n'est pas une fucking drille," Han-Tyumi's "critical density," and the "& Secure" comic strip wehre they're at a traffic light.Thinking about work makse me feel sick, thinking about going out this weekend makes me dizzy, thinking about finishing new art makes my throat uncomfortable, trying to talk to people is like sludge. its not anyones fault; i dontn owe anyone here anything. or anyone really. this life has been feeling more and more like a video game and every day I feel more and more confused as to why I dont just play a different game. and i dont just mean "work vs hobbies"--that would fit the metaphor in that i *could* "just" play something else--but i mean basic functions and further basic circumstance. i have to sleep? xyz? what a disappointing game mechanic when the difficulty setting is already jacked. and before i get pinterest advice, i should clarify: i dont know what relaxing is. i know that sounds dramatic, but i dont. I've discussed it before, but "winding down" doesnt make sense to me. It either is or it isnt;y. So what do i do? I cant tell if I'm genuinely asking or if its rhetorical. maybe i should try picking up skating again but i know how and why that ends every time. thats the only thing i can think of that can brute-force myslf out of my own head. though, thn, begs the question: with what time?

i do hate to whine cause theres nothing anyone can do do about it. but i digress, i do feel i owe him and that ive disappointed him. I know he'd/he'll argue against it, but if I am disapointed in myself, he is autmatically encompassed in that cocophany within my own perspective. idk if that makes sense at all. it just seems that the second i pause to think about anything other than work/duty, i realize how loud my ears have been ringing,. and I still have a long way to go. I question, i suppose, if I will spend my rest--once i finally get it--recovering rather than enjoying. it always ends up this way and, honestly, it doesnt feel like its my fault. and that just makes me enraged with nowehre to go with it.

this must be how altamont felt, hm? im writing this to just say, if i vanish its because i need it. it's because i need it.

[prettyboykatsuki]

not quite an academic fuck up but i worked really hard all my life especially in college to set myself up for an easy financial future in the corporate world and i got it and i have a job secured for post grad and it’s the worst ever. my internship with the company was mindnumbingly boring and yesterday i broke down in my professors office hours and finally admitted to myself that i cannot have a life that doesn’t involve creation/literary analysis which sounds lame af but i basically am accepting the fact that after a few years working im gonna go to grad school of some sort and probably only ever be just okay financially. and that’s really hard bc immigrant parents of color and expectations and my own debilitating fear of failure but i have to be brave and admit that this is what is truly important to me and what makes my life worth living and it’s gonna sound so corny but it’s genuinely been people like u who write long meta posts about anime and mangas and unabashedly love the act of writing that helped me nurture my love for writing of all different types before i admitted to myself that i wanted writing to be my life. so thank u for that and thank u for being brave bc it’s helped me decide to do the same

i really. man this made me cry a bit

im in a similar situation as you in many ways. i really dont hate computer science or programming - but im of the belief that i will never find anything or any career that i love as much as writing. i did consider going into the humanities but like you i have immigrant parents and i put stability over passion. also, i learned that i think putting longterm pressure on myself to monetize what is ultimately a passion for me is really stressful. for me though, work will pretty much always be secondary to my hobbies and interests. that was what i concluded as compromise. ill build a life around wanting to do what i wanted. i wanted a job that i can do with a technical skillset even if it does not incite the same joy and that i could do without resenting.

i had this realization early, and i dont regret pursuing compsci at all. its very accommodating to me and i enjoy it. but in a world where i had nothing else to consider, i think i would've been nice to push for something else. im minoring in creative writing as compensation and compromise. maybe ill change my mind in the future, or maybe not.

this silly hobby is also what makes my life worth living in many ways. beyond the scope of just fanfiction, it is writing and media and art and literature that keeps me alive. i commend what you're doing and im unbelievably proud of you. i hope we can be proud of each other and make amends with our expectations to do what is important to us and pursue what makes us happiest even if those paths look different. its tough but we'll do it. i will and so will you, one step at a time.

[skinnytuna]

I really really like that long post you did about making art. especially: 'i have somehow convinced myself that, if i maybe try a little bit, not exceptionally hard, but only a little bit, maybe i will somehow magically be good enough and worthy of critical praise.'

I spend all my time thinking about the beautiful or ""groundbreaking"" things I would make but no time actually doing it. and then when I attempt to create something the actual discomfort of physically drawing, writing or even coding is so unlike the idealised version in my brain that I have to stop because it is so frustrating. I wish I could be the sort of person who decides to spend hours upon hours perfecting a craft. but I just cant. weirdly I've come to terms with it. theres a whole world of art that exists just for me in my head. maybe one day ill be able to translate it into reality. but for now, im just going to be happy with the dual presence of my shitty real art and my lovely art thats just for me.

(also: I dont think your posts are lacking. the way you use language is unexpected and hilarious. I like it a lot.)

we should have a word for the terminal need for validation but lack of any and all discipline ... seems like a relatively new phenomena. i'm considering the strong possibility that it's a widespread result as the death of the "hobby"... however many years ago i imagine it was normal to just do something for yourself, because you love doing it. in fact i see a lot of my friends parents still doing stuff such as this.

i have a lot of friends whose dads make eps and albums for fun. for them only. no wishing on a star for it to blow up overnight. none of that. security in the quality of it. security in how far it probably won't reach. now that security, of course, could just come with age. but i suspect there's a generational parasite.

we were all raised with Numbers. the follower count, the like count, these are burned into our psyche. a neurosis coiled tightly around an objective metric of validation. a handful of years ago such a neurosis couldn't even exist! and it especially couldn't exist in a matter of seconds or minutes. your value as a person is a pair of dice that you roll and you snatch them back the moment you see snake eyes. almost all of the amateur art, music, writing we are exposed to has a number right under it. you don't get to evaluate it yourself. there is immediately a pavlovian connection, i like this thing, this thing has this number attached to it, if i can get a number like that i'm worthy of coexisting with this thing.

there's an almost instant dissociation between the craft, the skill, the time, and the FRUIT. what you get back. we are almost trained to care more about how popular something is than how good it is. not like, hollywood productions, or Columbia Records' chart topping album by a thirty something with A&R parents, but how popular someone just like you is on the internet. a plausible professional with a twitter account who draws whatever they want. someone you could relate to. someone you could be.

but because you want the numbers you skip the learning... you make something and put it out. and you keep doing this. your learning is public, your honing of the craft is documented before an audience of hopefully thousands. and you see what they respond to. and their responses steer the direction of your learning. you never have an opportunity to make something shitty. make something no one likes. experiment. you just keep feeding the computer. and it works until the point where you want to do something else, or something real, or something better, or something serious, and realize you don't know how. and you're like Fuck Shit why did I hustle instead of learning in peace.

but of course this is all by design. the numbers can't teach themselves more numbers if you doodle in your sketchbook and don't show anyone. i'm not sure if it was ever a specific person's idea to make everyone's entire life a performance, but whoever engineered it did a damn fine job. takes a sledgehammer to break out of. oh well ! in a few generations i'm sure all of our skin will have glare dampeners evolved specifically to vlog better with. and everyone will have forgotten what it's like to do something in your room, by yourself, because you like to do it

[seoafin]

just a question on your about me— why did you choose anthropology to major in? is writing kind of just a hobby you picked up or is it more of because it’s not very secure as a career (as in like success and income-wise)?? 😭

morgan lore unlocked 🔓

i actually majored in anthropology and media theory/studies with the plan to go to grad school in either documentary/ethnographic filmmaking or media studies in the realm of cultural consciousness/news dissemination. but now upon graduating i have realized that i don't want to do anything :) haha i guess you could say im somewhat in a lull figuring out what i want to do for the rest of my life because there are multiple avenues i can choose to pursue the most lucrative choice being consulting or marketing (like many of my peers). writing is a hobby i picked up! i don't see myself being a published writer. if i choose to go into the publishing industry, it'll probably be as an editor. all that being said there's a lot of things i'm interested in going to grad school like human computer interaction or even urban planning so i'm just taking a little time off to relax this year and think about my choices in more depth :)

[shed0kryptz]

UM so i wrote these monologue things for db and collector. ik i have not shared too much on their lore but im super happy with how they turned out, considering that i wrote them on the spot. i had more of a basis for collector’s, so imo it came out better than db’s. but enjoy !!!!!

Collector:

“I’ve seen both sides of the Dealbreaker. Its aggression. And its passion. Sometimes, I feel as if it’s misunderstood, but then I remember what it took him to get here. The person he once was. The reason he is the Dealbreaker. but I don’t mind it. In fact, it’s admirable with his past in mind. We may have had our faults long ago, but its changed since then. I, too, changed along with him. Our impressions of each other came from bitterness; I, admittedly, was jealous of his rise in status and mistook rumors for fact. But, once I got to know it, I realized how wrong I was. I never had considered why it wanted power in the first place, nor did I question its self-centered ego. It all makes sense now, but he is still the Dealbreaker. This persona of his will follow it forever, it seems, but at least I will know the truth. I know who it is and how wonderful it can be.”

DB:

“For most of my life, I spent so much time trying to fill the hole in my core. Even in the beginning, I had a vast, unexplainable emptiness within me. When my control was taken away in my youth, this only worsened. Those experiences became the motivation that gave me my position, yet, after reaching the top, I still longed for something that was missing. So, I tried everything to no avail: partying, drugs, alcohol, dating, sex. Hell, even casual hobbies like painting! But then it hit me. Or I should say, it was right in front of me: the person I had grown so close to in my own office. The one who enjoyed my ramblings and cared for my well-being; the one who never missed a deadline and appreciated getting extra work; the one who brewed me coffee whenever I was too lazy to go out: my own colleague, the Collector. After confessing my feelings, I’ve felt complete with it. I have never met someone who listens and understands like it. No one has ever made me feel more secure, too; he allows me to be myself and never judges what I do. Though we hadn’t gotten along originally, I was wrong for throwing him under the bus so often. I only cared about documents being submitted and the upcoming paycheck, never thinking twice about what it had to say. Now, i’ve realized that my selfish ways were not the answer. Neither were my indulgent habits. I’ve finally found my other half, and I no longer strive to go higher, but if I ever do, Collector is coming along with me.”

[obsoleteozymandias]

hello! id like to request a twst matchup if it's okay with you!

pronouns: she/he/they, don't really care

gender/sexuality: somewhere on the non binary spectrum, it's just there i guess lol. sexuality is just queer- i don't really confine to a label but i don't have a gender preference

appearance: average height but on the shorter side, like 5'4 last time i checked. im a little chubby and i have a lot of body marks like scars, marks and moles. my hair is mid-length and a little curly. i wear glasses and have several ear piercings too. i wear a lot of baggy clothing; i wouldn't say i have much of a style. i just wear what i feel fits the occasion and is comfortable for me.

personality: my personality type is infp. im a very reserved person who shies away from people and usually i refrain from initiating conversations and stuff unless im pretty close to someone. if i feel comfortable enough or have known someone long enough to feel at least some security, i become less quiet and i joke around. i tend to over share sometimes, and then regret it later. i kinda tend to run my mouth without thinking. i joke a lot, and i'm not a serious person unless someone is in danger or having a rough time. i use humor to cope with like everything, and i like making people laugh. i take pride in being someone who listens/a shoulder to lean on, but i don't like opening up emotionally like that, but if i feel connected to someone i'll try my best. romantically i'm pretty shy, too. i like when people are affectionate to me, but i feel reluctant to initiate anything myself. i'm always fidgeting or moving, as i don't like sitting completely still. if someone pisses me off i can get aggressive, but not physically. i hate being talked down to. i love sugar and sweet things, cute things and animals. i'm not a huge fan of exercise.

hobbies: i love to play instruments and sing; i play guitar and piano, and i wish i could play other instruments too. i also do visual art sometimes, but it's not anything spectacular. i also enjoy history and like learning about niche subjects.

characters i don't want to be matched with: epel, jack, vil, ortho (obviously lol), idia, lilia, jade

Apologies for the wait, I’ve been going through it lads

== Twisted Wonderland ==>

I match you up with…

Cater Diamond 

Cater is super affectionate with you from the get-go. The instant he becomes your friend (or, the instant he declares himself your friend), he’s always hugging and touching you, reminding you to pay attention to him. 

This increases tenfold when you get into a relationship with him. He’ll want everyone to know that you two are together, and so he’ll always be holding your hand and calling you pet names.

At the same time, he’s a very private person. If you want to keep the relationship or any facet of it secret for any reason, he’ll take said secrets to his grave.

Cater will 100% put on a concert and sing for you whenever you play an instrument. He’s suddenly a broadway star, belting his heart out even when it sounds bad, all for you. 

He may not always be interested in the same things you are, but he’ll try to take interest in them. 

One key thing about this relationship is that you both are on the same level with eachother. Cater is an introvert’s extrovert - he respects your boundaries and can even be insightful and intuitive when it comes to your needs. 

He’ll always be aware of your needs and listening, even to the smallest details. 

Introvert and extrovert power couple. 

[plasmasimagination]

Hi there! I recently stumbled upon your account and I must say that this is what I was looking for for quite some time. I am interested by your matching up event and was wondering if you're still up for it?

Fandom: Honkai Star Rail (and/or) Genshin Impact

Preference: women

Characters I would NOT like to be paired up with: men

(I am pretty much gay)

I am a cisgender woman, she/her pronouns. ENTJ, Virgo sun, Libra moon, Scorpio rising.

I am androgynous-looking, can easily be mistaken for a dude. My voice is deep and had a slight rasp to it. When it comes to clothes I present soft masc. I am 6', very athletic (as it is a big part of my life to stay active). I have brown eyes and wavy hair that is styled in a short wolfcut with a middle part and curtain bangs. No tattoos, but when I have the money I will get covered in designs.

I perceive myself as a calm and collected person who is more on the quiet and observing side. Which, close ones always tell me, makes me appear intimidating and judging (Scorpio rising). I like to keep my social circle small and trustworthy because I have trust issues. But around my friends I am friendly and always there to help out with the teenage dramas. I would say my top traits are sarcasm, assertiveness, loyalty, and adaptiveness. (Being an ENTJ and Virgo sun say enough about me, but I am softened up by my Libra moon.)

I am a very artsy person, but also very sporty. I am passionate about a lot of things (playing the guitar, drawing, writing, reading, acting, playing soccer, volleyball, training calisthenics, martial arts...) but in this short lifetime I had to choose one, and it is drawing - more specifically, becoming an Architect.

I've never been even close to catching feelings for someone. I've had barely any crushes, none of them real, none of them celebrities, just successful/badass/dangerous/mean women from fiction. I guess that puts me somewhere on the Asexuality spectrum, most likely Demisexual. I want to use my teenage years to work towards building a secure career for myself so that I could eventually spoil and take care of someone who deserves it.

I don't have much preference for looks, despite the fact that I am attracted to femininity, not necessarily someone stereotypically girly, but fem. For me, I need someone who will be able to match my energy and challenge me with playful banter and deep, meaningful talks. Someone who has a strong and unapologetic personality, (I am a sucker for mean fems), but knows when to stop and take a step back.

[Thank you, even if this doesn't get attention, which I completely understand. I will love to see your future works and posts!]

HEYYY DARLING ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡ IM SO FLATTERED HIHI (*ˊᗜˋ*)

Anyways as for your matchup....hmhmhm...

Your match is....

.

.

.

KAFKA

OKAY OKAY let's be honest this was to be expected!

Scary looking girlfriend X equally as scary looking girlfriend (both can beat your ass)

I like the power couple dynamic here.

Plus I think she fits your type pretty well hmhm...

Kafka would be quite interested in your hobbies, she isn't very vocal about it but sometimes she just sits in the same room when you're doing something (drawing/playing guitar/writing etc...) and she'll just discreetly pay attention to it.

She also will kind of tease you about it, telling silverwolf and blade how good you are at your hobbies, and she'll intentionally do it in front of you

Chaining it to the one above-She likes showing you off, not only your hobbies...just you in general

She will also vibe with your attitude and find it amusing and definitely match it just as strong.

Also I think that kafka would also have equally trouble to completely warm up to you, yeah shes confident and flirty with people but I dont think she trusts people as easily,but when you guys spend more time together she would actually become quite fond of you

YAE MIKO

Honestly this is a pretty good pair, love it Picasso

I don't think miko is as outgoing and challenging as kafka, but she's there

It's just that miko is a bit more how do I put this ..dominant? Controlive? I know it sounds bad to put her up against kafka but I have a feeling miko is more on the serious dominant side while kafka is more playful, especially with their darling

Though yae miko is quite the person to talk to in moments of need, she's a good listener and gives good advice, she could simply talk&listen with you for hours on end

She, similar to kafka, would definitely match your vibe, just a bit more reserved type of sarcasm for example.

She's sly with it, just how fox's are eh?

Miko would take it slow to become closer to you, as she can guess you're having trouble fully trusting her, and she would definitely be less teasing at the beginning when you guys first met than when you're in an established relationship

[firstdivisiongirl]

Hiii I'm here for a Tokyo revengers matchup, if that's okay ♡ I hope I can explain myself well here🙏😭

Female, she/her, 16 years old, my height is 1'65, and i'm straight.

I'm a Gemini, Infj, 6w5, True Neutral, and melancholic-phlegmatic.

I got brown eyes, wavy brown hair with my bangs and the under-part of it dyed in blonde / pink. My face is rounded shaped, got almond-shaped eyes and got soft features, my body is kinda chubby/curvy? But not much.

I'm introverted and a bit shy sometimes, but with friends I'm really funny and the clown of the group iykwim. I get flustered and nervous really easily, if im nervous i talk a lot and blush, in general. I'm really calm most of times but I can't sit still. I'm sensitive, and cry a lot, but even tho I act with my feelings, I know how to balance everything with logic, and my thoughts are always logical, but I often end up acting with my feelings.

I got a lot of anxiety, too, pessimistic, insecure... i worry about anything, and im a scaredy cat, the security is a must for me, but I'm trying to get better and overcome these stuff by myself (and its not going wrong! Its working slowly!) Since I'm really decisive and I know what's good for me and what's not, I know what i want in life and I'm determined on getting what I want, even if sometimes I break down and think I won't get it, I will always go for it. I'm a conflict avoidant because problems worry me too much, and I don't like that. But if something doesn't benefit me like at all, i wont wait to discard it and go away, be it a person (when they are being toxic and harsh ON PURPOSE for example) or a situation.

But even tho I got a lot of stuff in my mind... I'm really kind and empathetic! I want to make everyone laugh in the group, I want to make everyone comfortable and I want everyone to feel included in the groups, if i did something bad i apologize quickly, i care about my friends and family is really important to me ♡.

Oh and im a perfectionist, lazy, AND A BIG TEASE, I like to tease a looottt, it's so funny to me. I'm a bit unpredictable sometimes, and im really intuitive and smart.

I'm a bit obsessive- and i feel like im a bit possesive and jealous on a relationship but i try to not show it, I think I'm a yellow flag indeed. Im not touchy and im independent, but i know im touch-starved, I'm just shy to start affection. I admit being kind of a hopeless romantic who at the same time cringes when sees a couple getting romantic yk?

My humor is really really dark and sarcastic, but is really stupid at the same time.

I like drawing and all the art-related stuff, I like calm and quiet places, like a park in the night! I dont like parties because of the people, because the vibe is not bad, i can stay a while on a party, but not much because people drain me out.

I like playing video games a lot and anime. I dress alt/grunge, i like to dress formal too, and I like music like rock/pop (maneskin, britney spears...) sigilkore (yk, odetari, lumi athena etc) and phonk!

Others tell me I look intimidating outside, yk the resting btch face... I like when others see me like that, but I know that on the inside im a softie who sleeps with stuffed animals yet and dies of cuteness over a kitty😔😔

My energy runs out soon after going out, like I don't have a problem with going out, really, I like strolling around be it alone or with friends! But don't make me go out with friends 2 consecutive days, because I don't have the social energy for that...

I'm only someone who wants to live a calm life but always saying or doing silly funny things to have fun a bit on my own way! And then having a calm, relaxed time, take time for myself and indulge in my hobbies!

I hope this is not too complex, I tried to keep it short and at the same time specifying so you could understand but I couldnt because my personality is reaaaally complex and has a lot of layers and depends a lot on everything AND I STILL COULD WRITE MORE LMAOOO, BUT I WONT. Thank you for reading me😭😭😭😭💗💗💗

Hello. It wasn’t too complex. And don’t worry about writing too much for a matchup. The more details, the better. Here you go. Please enjoy!

You Got…

Izana Kurokawa!!!!

Would protect you from anything that scares you!

He respects those who know what they want and what they don’t need. He’d love that about you.

He’s touch starved too. So expect him to love you a lot and always be around. He’s not super romantic, but you can make up for that.

If you make him something, he’ll keep it and brag about it.

Would enjoy your teasing and sense of humor.

Whatever you want, you shall receive. Dates? It’s up to you

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

diiary 2/25/2023

okayyy i been needing to write a longform post for a while! just to chronicle some thoughts in a cohesive way. & getting straight to the point: i'm realizing there is very little, if ANY payoff, to being an artist online. i'm not talking about money. im talking about the way it's like, the more ppl start to see you as an "artist", the more they feel like ur some kind of public figure they can lash out at w no repercussions. ur humanity is just wiped from their minds. i don't have some huge following by any means but for ME its gotten big since in the past i've been a serial deleter. usually at 800 followers im gone.

i love being creative & sharing for the sake of sharing but i deeply fear any kind of spotlight. since i came back onto tumblr i made the pledge to myself not to delete my account if it started growing but now im having second thoughts!! well i'll never delete this account cus im too sentimental but part of me just wants to stop posting in the ways i tend to do. like maube im too forthcoming & need to slink back into the shadows a bit. because i don't want to stop contributing art & music to the world but idk how to protect my heart.

like it's so crazy to me that artists are expected to b these idealistic icons of everything the viewer represents & if they make a single mistake its like fuck we better launch a pUBLIC HARASSMENT CAMPAIGN!! genuinely like, how are people supposed to want to put themselves out there when the climate is so hostile? it has got me feelin rly nihilistic i must admit. trying to put nice stuff into the world shld not be generating drama for me, especially when it's just my hobby & not even my "career".

for a while ive had no idea what to do for work or how to generate income in a way that works for me but honestly? im gonna bite the bullet & do some coding bootcamps so i can try n get a remote job doing some tech shit & making a fat salary. i guess i never rly considerd it before cus all the silicon valley stuff susses me out but idk. im naturally really good at code + my only real dream in life is to be able to support others & redistribute wealth. like ive never had anything of my own to share but if i could actually do this & become the secure+charitable person i wish to be, i think i cld finally have some inner peace/sense of fulfillment. plus i cld still be a recluse ^_^

ok well i guess that my diary entry for now. im rly grateful to everyone on this site who is genuine & respectful towards me. i am really enjoying all my creative projects right now & i just dont want it to ever stop being fun just because the internet doesnt want it to be fun for me. i seriously wonder why artists are the number one targets right now, i mean not to get too conspiratorial but like, this is exactly what the CIA wants :/ wahtever....i have no agenda other than plur. but yeah, i might just start to distance myself more from posting anything other than my work. we'll see. just kno that i dnt want it to b this way. ilu guys