#and im not venting to most of my friends anymore bc im like afraid of them getting tired of it

[the-amber-droid-dreams]

i hate that i made it my whole thing that im so Not romantically jealous and that im always 100% cool and chill with all that comes w being polyam bc im having a hard time w my gfs newest relationship and i cant say anything about it

[hetalia-club]

Giving you this bc ur like, the only hetalia blog i still follow that still posts. But like.

Okay back in 2018-2019(?) i had a pretty big hetalia phase, i watched hetafacts videos n every episode that was on YouTube, i listened to the music on repeat. It was a major hyperfixation before i knew that i was autistic.

For the longest time after i stopped, engaging with hetalia for some reason i would. Cringe really hard whenever i saw anything hetalia related. Like. On ao3 when you go to search things it tells you how to search things and one i got (and keep getting) is like "hetalia tag:f/f" or something idk how proper ao3 searches work. Id like screenshot it and go to my friends n say "it haunts me" or some shit.

But like recently ive been. Embracing that part of my past? I guess? Like. Almost like coming to terms with it? Idk i started having a less bad reaction n like, realized it probably one of the more normal fandoms i was in. I was, cringe, as all kids are, but i was. Happy.

And then like. At a sleepover a few weeks ago, one thing leads to another and im telling my friend abt the songs and how ich leibe is. Just a recipe, and how i used to listen to almost all of the songs. I show them the clip of France trying to get England to sign a marriage contract, America ordering fucking condoms from Russia.

It has been at least 2 weeks since, and i can feel the hyperfixation coming back, half the music ive been listening too again is hetalia character songs (theyre so fucking good???) and ive been getting. Urges to watch the show and. I dont know how to feel or what to do?? Like. I'm afraid almost to get back into hetalia? Like i watched black butler a while ago, and i realized how. Theres some weird fucking tension between ceil n sebastian n i think im afraid im going to have that same reaction to hetalia?

Cause like there is shit i just completely forgot about. Like. The Bad Touch Trio. And im scared man.

Im sorry to fuckin, give you all of this, but i just. I dont know what to do ig. None of my friends like or used to like hetalia, the one i do info dump hetalia stuff too does not like hetalia and is learning shit about it against their will.

Idk, should i watch the show again? Is it, good? I genuinely can't remember anymore.

Sorry for using ur ask box like a confessional

I mean I’m right there with you man. The sole reason I am still in the Hetalia fandom is because hetalia got me through some real dark chapters and events in my life. I discovered Hetalia years ago in Highschool while with a very abusive ex who had to know everything I was doing at any given time. He wouldn’t let me go anywhere without him there. I tried to break up with him but he actually wouldn’t let me. He would threaten to off himself if I did so I felt bad because his mom was an alcoholic and his houses burned down. I stopped really going anywhere at all because if I did he would come with me and he ruined my relationships with most of my friends just by being ‘the worst’. I stopped cheerleading, I got depression really bad, I started to do terrible in all my classes but I discovered Hetalia while on deviant art and was instantly intrigued. It was like “idk what this is but I will now make it my personality”

Years later while with my most recent abusive Ex that I just broke up with last November I got back into Hetalia when our relationship started to get really bad and hard to cope wit on my own. I needed an escape and something to help me avoid him and no care so much about his insults something that I could think about instead of being sad all the time. Hetalia is something that just brings me joy. Instead of venting to people, getting therapy or increasing my meds Hetalia was just always there to go back to and escape. No idea what it is about it. Won’t go into details about the relationship, it’s irrelevant right now but I’m sure you can guess.

To answer your question, no Hetalia isn’t ‘good’ it makes zero sense and is confusing as hell. But for me it’s fun to use as a spring board for basically any kind of AU I could think up. The characters can fit into any type of situation you want to shove them in.

I would say give it a rewatch, as much as you want anyway. What is the worst that could happen? You continue an interest that brought you joy? Worst case. You are a bit cringe? Who cares if you are cringe if you are happy? Also not encouraging you to live a double life but if you are embarrassed to like Hetalia you don’t actually have to tell anyone how obsessed with it you are. No one but my ex knows how much I like Hetalia and he really has no idea just how deep I am in this shit. But if people knowing about one of your interests humiliates you then just don’t share it. At the end of the day it’s your comfort and it makes you happy it’s no one’s business.

There are a lot of old fandom tropes that have disappears the BTT being one of them. They put them as a group still but I guess they call it ‘bad friends ti’ now. There are still some things that make me side eye. But that’s every fandom I feel. You can choose who you wish to associate with and who you want to block or avoid. It’s your blog you don’t own an explanation to anyone.

Personally I don’t interact much with the people of the fandom itself I got a few people it talk to every now and again but really i just do my own thing. I write my own fics for myself. I got my little tumblr, discord and TikTok, I post about my little AUs and dumb thoughts and continue on. If people want to follow me that’s great, welcome. If they don’t that’s cool to!

Thanks for sticking around with me even after your Interest in Hetalia fizzled out tho haha! That had to be difficult I am very annoying at times I’m sure 😭.

Again worst thing that could happen than if you are a bit cringe. But not being cringe is boring as hell. Irl I’m one of the most normal bitches you could find. Carbon copy white girl. Absolutely no one would guess I were a Hetalia obsessed loser irl. In a line up you could not pick me out and guess my interests. So in February I got my hair done right? I got like. 500 dollar biolage it fades from brown to strawberry blonde. Want to know the reason I got this hair style? Because of Italy that’s why. I wanted red hair like him. Did I tell anyone that? No. When people said they liked my hair and asked me why I went red I would just go “idk just felt like it” but I would be thinking about him knowing the real answer.

Good luck anon, if you stick around welcome back the water is fine. If you don’t can you toss me that life vest up there if you don’t mind? Thank you!

[futurefind]

Hiatus Announcement

//I've alluded to it before but now I'm actually verbalizing it so!! Hiatus announcement be upon ye!! More specifically, a 'pseudo' hiatus, where I'll basically be putting entire blog on 'request only'— I'll prob keep lurking, likely keep posting About my blorbos, absolutely keep any threads, but... Gestures.

Tl;dr, because I'm not good about talking About feelings, and to try and talk about it would make me feel like I'm guilt tripping etc etc: I'm extremely low spoons, and about as low confidence, so I don't have the energy to be proactive and 100% initiate like... anything.

And it'd feel misleading to say 'oh I'm not on hiatus :)' as if I'm on full activity when I'm... not!

If you initiate stuff I'll return the favor and babble back, up to and including just asking me to do xyz (blorbo babbles, inbox raiding, etc)!!

(Edit/PS: As always my discord's available to moots, @/nethernor_i, but since I'll be lurking tumblr IMs also work as usual!!)

(Edit 8.4.24: Just to state the obvious for obvious's sake, again: PLEASE INITIATE/DM/ETC if you want anything!! When I say request only I mean it and so outside of that I'm gonna presume you're not keen on me / us doing anything.)

EDIT / UPDATE (8.7)

I said I wasn't gonna talk about the why's of my hiatus but I can't stop thinking about it and it's not not relevant to share even if it can't be helped so: that'll be below the cut since it's insecurity / vent / negative adjacent :')

Tl;dr, though: I don't feel comfortable here on tumblr anymore and that's what's impacting my activity / presence / confidence / etc, not just universally low spoons across the board. When I came back it was for sake networking for rp and making friends Through rp, but at current it's fizzled out and i'm much more comfortable focusing on private rp / rp groups than on here

(But if we have preexisting threads on here I won't drop them, juuuuust don't be afraid to add & poke me on discord to lmk when you've replied<3)

(again, this is below the cut for vent/negative/insecurity reasons, so if youre not up for that dwai) - any further Regular updates will be put above this section lol

idk I feel the simplest and most 'objective' way to put it is that my intent of 'keep dash tiny and small and palatable to prevent getting overwhelmed' is severely biting me in the ass bc it leads to extremely like... disproportionate? desires of activity??? where I'm looking to get lots of activity from (for example), like, ~5 people, but they are both not looking for turbo activity with me specifically and have interactions with 20+ people they're looking to keep up with (if, not necessarily, wrt longform rp) — on top of all the once-very-active moots that have dipped off into the void entirely, not just wrt ~our rp~

and like... subjectively??? i have like no sense of relationship decay, but exponentially horrific emotional permanence (the thing that lets you know you're cared about even when ppl are not directly talking to you or the like), and combined with the negative feedback loop of 'low confidence -> low activity -> less confidence bc less activity ->->' ???

it creates a very very Not Fun mix that makes me feel alone and lonely, like i'd be ignored even screaming in a crowded room, and feeling like what interactions i Do get are moreso an after thought or pity rather than reciprocated enthusiasm.

and its like. idk. it feels like law of diminishing returns but also w at least five secret spices of guilt about it—whether it's because i'm not 'trying hard enough' to 'earn' the 'attention', or because i'm 'blaming' ppl for the completely lighthearted nbd act of just... not making me a 'favorite' and making me feel 'entitled/spoiled' for just missing people

[caz-is-gay]

so. currently actually sobbing bc i made the horrible decision to look through techno’s channel. i saw the gravity mod vid he posted after the announcement that he had cancer. i remember being so happy. sbi content! god. i still haven’t watched the video. yknow the one. a year ago i tried to watch squids video on part of the potato war. i didnt get 3 mins in b4 i heard his voice (he was celebrating!! he was happy!) and started crying. maybe in a decade ill be able to watch it and smile. and ill be able to watch the new one, and old ones and laugh like i used to. i looked through the community posts. he really loved birds, didnt he? i feel so bad for his dad.

june 2022. worst month of my life i think. everything happened at once. on june 1st lizzy was over. i was so desperately in love with her. still in denial about the inevitable friend zone. we went to zydecos grad party! she left halfway through to call her ex. they got back together. the facade was broken. obviously she didn’t like me back and anything romantic with her is a pipe dream. (i mean who would ever love to be attracted to an ugly fat pig like me?) so lizzy is over. im trying to ignore the heartbreak. then i hear the news. techno died. my sister hears it from a friend and tells me. the ppl we have over dont get it. they dont get why it hits me so hard, and god i dont want to explain it. so i pretend im fine. keep hosting, keep being nice. every second is agony! i cry myself to sleep. that had stopped a few months ago. i wasnt suicidal anymore but god. 2 weeks later im starting to back to *normal* levels of summer break depression. my dad finds out. he loved techno. im gone again. my mom fonds out, she doesn’t know who he is., doesn’t know the other 3 ppl at the table have already been grieving. shes lost so many to cancer. “did you hear about that minecraft youtuber who died of cancer? he was only 23, its so sad” i didnt know what to say. “yes i watched him everyday for 4 years his videos were the only thing that could get me to sleep when i started having suicidal thoughts if not for him i wouldn’t be here and now he dead.” yeah.

i still didn’t get over lizzy for months. fantasizing about a life with her was my escape. it was unrealistic and i couldn’t think about her like that anymore. then my dad brought covid home from work. june 23rd, my mom almost dies. thats the worst day of my life. it was mcc day. i was watching it on my tv, because my dad went to see his parents and mom was sick. she had been in bed for days. she got sick a lot. she had bronchitis for 10 years at this point. i was taking care of her. she was obviously delirious. asking me to pour water on her because she was so hot. i didnt know what to do. i waited for so long. i couldn’t deal with this right now i needed to de stress not have more. it got too much, i called my dad and he said she must have high blood sugar. fuck. i looked at her insulin log, nothing written for 2 days. fuck fuck fuck. he told me, if she cant draw her own blood for a reading, call 911. so we did. she could have died. if i waited any longer she could have passed out and stopped breathing. she went to the hospital. medically induced coma, intubated. she had told us many times shed rather die than be on a ventilator. none of us mentioned it. she was in a coma for 2 weeks. woke up, had to be in vent for longer. she was finally extubated. she couldn’t talk but she managed to be sarcastic still. i had to hold back tears. best day of my life.

that month changed the course of my life forever. my disability was most likely caused by the mild covid infection i got b4 my mom got sick. my mom doesn’t have a fungal lung infection anymore. my parents are sleeping in the same room again, and going to therapy. my mom has a cgm and a cpap and is on top of her health.

i cant stand the sounds of artificial breathing after sitting next to her for so long. im more afraid of my future than ever. im still getting over my best friend (fuck being demiromantic man) and i am still crying over technoblade.

[clerichs-xi]

Getting real on main here bc I'm kinda tired of keeping everything in my head so I'm gonna ramble for a bit bc my blog my posts

Starting to realize more and more i don't know how to interact with people and im kinda starting to wonder if im neurodivergent or if im socially anxious

It's not just I don't know how to interact socially it's more like I don't know how to react in social so I end up mimicking what other ppl do in order to not get a negative reaction/keep up the convo in a natural way. I find I do it more online bc I have time to think about what I do+look back on messages and I end up being so paranoid about what I say or how my messages could get construed differently or how people could negatively react. Maybe it's more that I'm extremely prone to overthinking stuff but either way it makes me feel miserable sometimes, like I can't open up ever and most of the time I end up not opening up. I'm afraid of negative reactions and criticism bc I'm so prone to criticizing others myself. Also i grew up having most of my stuff (achievements, work, expressed thoughts) being reacted to with either neutral reactions or criticism on the basis of humility. Whoa that just got deep lol. Anyways after typing all of this out I feel like my issue mostly lies with my fears of being seen in a negative way or being disliked after saying something so I just end up. overthinking every single thing I want to say or not saying anything at all or both. It's wild how afraid I am of receiving any remotely negative feedback bc the moment I do I'll take to heart way too much and beat myself up over it!! Itll all I focus on and then I'll pick apart every single thing I ever did or said and make myself feel even more miserable!! I'm perfectly capable of discerning when something is my fault just. not when im talking to someone.

Tangent but since I'm here rambling already ill talk abt it and also kinda related. I never feel comfortable enough venting abt my life to close friends bc a) I'm seen as the functional one in the group; b) it seems everyone else's problems are bigger than mine and c) I'll feel like I'm complaining for no good reason mostly bc of a). I did have someone in my friend group say "what do u have to complain abt u have a functional family lol" once and that hurt. And that's why I never share anything anymore lol!!! Bc everyone I know says my life is perfect but a lot I wish I weren't me and I feel so trapped. It's gotten better bc I have been in situations b4 where I vented during really bad situations but I still don't rlly. And the fact that I only feel ok with venting in situations/with feelings that, in my mind, constituted as on par with other people's issues or of a certain level severity that was worth sharing and wouldn't face backlash for is. fucked up to say the least I think. Sometimes I think social media has played a role in fostering this idea bc of ppl constantly comparing and trying to 1-up others with their struggles. or ppl usinh catastrophic world events to go to other ppl saying "ur life will never be as bad as that so suck it up"

Uh anyways I think the neurodivergent part mostly bc i get uncomfortable when I'm not doing something and I can't really stand not doing smth. Ive seen some posts of neurodivergent people (esp posts abt adhd/ppl with adhd talking abt it) and kinda find myself relating to stimulation issues to a degree? I hate not doing anything productive eg drawing, writing. Sometimes I can't even stand just watching tv or reading bc sometimes I don't feel involved enough. If I'm interested in a piece of media I'll binge it for a couple of days and then the next day I'll feel nothing at all for it. Like idk maybe I'm thinking too hard and I don't actually know what I'm talking abt but at this rate I'd rather be wrong while try to explore this/put it into words then keep everything to myself just because I'm afraid of getting backlash or whatever from the 3 real people and 20 pornbots that follow me. Chances are this post wont receive any attention like literally anything else I've ever posted except it not getting attention will be what I want haha.

Tldr I'm just tired of trying to please people and bottling stuff up just bc I want ppl to like me and bc I don't want to burden others. I want to open up and have actual social interactions where I'm not overthinking everything I do. And I'm posting this to prove to myself that I'm going to change and get over it.

[oftheredmoon]

my abuser abused me. after 10 years i broke my silence and told my childhood friend. i didnt want justice or anything bc i didnt want to destroy my family, i just wanted to confide in my closest friend. she immediately ran around town and told everyone. 2 years later, i found out random people knew about my trauma and were threatening my abuser as well as on the verge of involving my family. so i lied. and said i lied about the abuse. a lot of people in town hate me. ex-childhood friend hates me and victimizes herself; everyone takes her side. my abuser hates me and rather than be grateful that i took one for the team (since we both know what he did) he uses it against me. tells me he hates me because “you know what you did” on party chat in front of the handful of people who still speak to me.

i can never confide in anyone about this due to cultural reasons. i’m stuck living in a looped hell. people think im some mentally ill wacko who went off the deep end and tried to drag innocent people down with me. i dont do drugs. i dont drink. i dont have an escape. i dont have friends anymore. suicide is not an option. confiding in people is no longer an option. coping mechanisms dont work anymore. self-harm never worked and just made me feel stupid. moving out/running away is not an option. therapy didnt help, neither did meds.

i think the most painful thing is the blatant fact that i will never truly be happy.

i’m expected to get married and have children. i want to get married and have children. but how am i supposed to let my husband lay a finger on me without screaming and crying? how am i supposed to explain that the reason i breakdown everytime he compliments me is because nobody has ever paid attention to me before? how am i supposed to be a good wife and have a good job when im completely talentless and stupid because i spent my whole childhood in a locked room neglected? how am i supposed to a healthy partner when the very thought of him becoming slightly annoyed with me or ignoring me is enough to send me into a psychotic breakdown? how am i supposed to explain why im so mentally ill? why i have psychosis, ptsd, depression, anxiety, adhd, and borderline personality disorder. why im constantly dissociating. how am i supposed to explain why im so physically ill? my heart, my blood sugar, my ulcers, the migraines, the potential cysts, crohns disease, the fact that i can hardly eat without throwing up, the fact that my body has dealt with so much stress that its already giving up at 20 years old. i could keep going, but i wont.

its getting hard to feel anything anymore. i’m no longer in touch with reality. when i try to think about myself my appearance, my name and all the things that once defined me do not come up. im hardly human at this point. i wake up, eat, stare at the wall for 8 hours, eat again, maybe do some homework, and play xbox for a few hours before my abuser inevitably makes a comment and i get triggered and leave before i breakdown in front of everyone.

“just tell ur future husband!!” cant, its not that simple, im not from the west.

“find a supportive/understanding man!!” see above plus: no man is going to put up with a complete emotional trainwreck who can hardly function: thats a receipe for creating a cheater.

“find a friend group that your abuser doesnt hang out with!!” cant, everyone hates me, this friend group is the most successful one ive ever had, im scared of making new bonds, theyll all leave eventually.

“make online friends!!” i have very negative experiences with online friends, id rather not.

“seek professional help!!” already tried, didnt work, they would call the cops if they knew half the shit that happened to me, therapy is not the solution to everything.

“why did u say u lied in the first place...?” bc my abuser going to jail/being confronted by all of this wouldve destroyed my family. i couldnt let that happen.

“why did u expect ur abuser to be understanding and grateful..? they’re an abuser lol...” bc after the whole thing blew up and everyone hated me, we had a mutual agreement and understanding to make it water under the bridge in order to protect our family. guess i was wrong to think he cared about them.

“what do u want me to say then lol... ur not willing to help urself” i cant help myself. “my hands are tied” is the biggest understatement of the century.

this post is not to find my cure. i didnt make this post because i want people in my dms showing me that they’re concerned.

if ur concerned about me harming myself, dont be. you have my 100% guarantee that i will not self-harm or attempt suicide. i gave up on that years ago.

this post is to vent.

this post is for people who are in similar situations as me. people who cant find a way out. people who cant turn to escapes such as drugs. people who protect their abuser whether out of love or for the sake of others.

you’re not the only one. i understand. i know. its hard. you’re drowning. no one will grab your hand no matter how much you reach out. in the rare cases that someone does come you pull away. you’ve lost the best years of your life to trauma and mental illness. it feels like theres no point. nothing helps. nothing works. you’re practically a zombie. you often trigger yourself to cope. you just want the pain to end. you dont want to feel anymore. you want to feel something. you dont want to remember. you want to be loved. you want a sign that you belong here. you want to enjoy life. you want to die. you’re afraid of living but you’re afraid of death.

i’m so sorry you’re hurt. i hope you find peace and salvation in a safe manner. i hope you heal and enjoy life to the fullest.

dont really know how to end this. i hope we’ll all be okay. i hope everyone whos been traumatized can find peace on earth. i hope breathing can start to feel a little easier. sorry this is so long. take care of yourselves.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Just a stupid rant.

You see I lost contact with almost all of my friends this year, one of my best friends hates me now and she pretty much dropped me for her boyfriend hahah. I knew it. I could feel the distance between us growing and soon enough we just didn’t talk anymore and now I don’t even know if I have their number. I have a best friend or so she says I mean I’m insecure and stupid and I have no self esteem it’s not her fault but we live pretty far from each other and especially bcs of covid she moved back to her hometown and she has a lot of ppl she hangs out with and she has a new best friend who talks to her everyday and meets her and we haven’t talked in a while I mean she hasn’t initiated any contact and she’s meeting a lot of ppl and spending her days hanging out having fun so she doesn’t have time to get invested in me that much? I also don’t want to text her and bother her bcs I can always tell from her replies that she’s just not there. And we are in completely different places in our life right now. She’s around ppl she loves and has fun everyday and I’m so happy for her I’m happy that she’s happy and I’m here on tumblr blasting mitski in my earphones crying. Everyday feels so boring so empty so stupid and there’s just nothing to look forward to for me that’s what I mean when I say we’re in completely different places in our lives right now and I don’t wanna ruin it for her and I don’t wanna approach her bcs I’m scared that she’ll grow tired of me being sad and having these problems and needing reassurance everyday. I realised today how detached I am from everybody’s lives and how I don’t really have a place where I belong you know? All my friends have their friends who they hang out with and like better and I’m just here never moving never leaving just someone to come back to. Like something you think of when you have nothing to do. Just invisible. I’m sad I’m so sad bcs I have never had what they have I’ve never had friends who stay like that you know? I could never be confident claiming someone as my friend I’ve always been on guard and I don’t remember a single moment where I could put my worries to rest and just exist I’ve always made sure to not get too invested to not get attached bcs it always just I don’t know ends? I’m sorry u had to go through this stupid sob story Im just feeling really fucking lonely and just needed to vent really. Thanks for reading! :)

Also I read something about nicknames maybe u can use ‘Yulje’

Hi Yulje,

You are not alone. Young people have the highest percentage of loneliness across all age groups and the average length of a friendship is actually only 7 years. Most friendships do end as people's life stages change. This is especially common for people who know their friends from school or work or other situational things, the friendship often falls apart as soon as whatever common ground you had disappears. It's also really common for people to struggle to stay friends with their single friends once they've gotten into a serious relationship, especially if their single friends don't like or don't know the new significant other. The point is, there isn't necessarily anything wrong with you, and even though it's really easy to look from the outside and believe other people are doing so much better and finding it so much easier to maintain friends than you do, a lot of them are struggling with the same issues and feelings as you are.

And even if your friendships do always end, that doesn't mean that the time you had together is less real or valid, and doesn't mean that getting close or investing in the relationship is bad or a waste. There are still good memories to be cherished and ways in which they helped you grow or were important parts of your life. I'd rather have 4 amazing years with a friend knowing it might end someday and appreciating what we do have, than spend 7 years only barely connecting with them because I'm afraid it'll end. Being too afraid to connect often does cause friendships to end early, too.

If you're worried about driving people away because they can't handle you being sad or needing reassurance every day, maybe you can try finding ways to self-soothe and reassure yourself so that you only need other people to help and participate in reassuring you once in a while. One thing I like to do is screenshot all the reassuring messages other people have sent to me and look at them when I need reassurance instead of asking for more messages. Maybe that might help you.

- Mod Allison

[sovengarde]

i hate to vent in public but at this point my notes app is filling up and i have no where else to let this out

i really fucking hate being mentally ill. i fucking hate that i blow up at small things and push everyone away. i always fuck everything up, one way or another. everything is always my fault.

my mother has a friend she wants us to stay with but i hate it over there. im trying not to sound like some stoner cali dude but literally the vibe there makes me physically sick. by the time we're leaving, or fuck even before then, im just so drained of any energy it's not even funny. like i cant fall asleep to save my life but as soon as we get home im passed out, provided i didnt do that in the car.

but because the situation at home isnt great either she wanted us to stay with her. and normally i just say no i dont and it never really escalates but when the whole fight that happened last week between my mother and grandfather that denial was fought by her. i told her i didnt want to go into detail and she got upset but i figured it wouldnt be a problem like any other time.

so she leaves for a week to spend some time there and i locked myself in my room for the week. it felt nice to be by myself and not on edge all the time. because being around her is also draining. fuck she even said she had an amazing time. i've been trying to convince her to go back next week lol.

i walk on eggshells around my own mother. anytime she does anything remotely wrong i have to just sit and take it, because god forbid i bring up any concern to her. she shuts down and then a few hours later im being guilt tripped into apologizing. lather rinse repeat for the 19 years ive been alive.

honestly i wouldve rather have been raised like she was and not allowed to talk about anything at all. rather than her telling me i can talk about anything and when i actually do she throws it back into my face and blows up at me.

i have so many vivid memories of her losing her shit over things ive said. like the time i first came out and she screamed at me that i wasnt transgender bc i didnt fit the fuckin description of the 2 episodes of i am jazz she watched.

or when i told her about my suicidal thoughts and i had to coax her into the driveway bc she was standing in the street saying stuff like "well i should just let a car run me over!"

oh and then the time where she was screaming though the walls of my bedroom that "you should just get emancipated! how about you just fucking leave!" i used to have a fuckin recording of that but when my fb got closed i lost it.

just recently with my new psychiatrist i told her about the bpd diagnosis, side note i fuckin knew i had it since 10th grade, her gut reaction was "yea well i have all kinds of cancer! sorry go on" she fuckin """""""apologized"""""" after that. that literally told me her actual thoughts on my mental health, and that either she doesnt believe me or just doesnt fucking care

and then if i bring it up and she gaslights me telling me that shed never say anything like that. listen idk if you know this but traumatic events kinda stick in your brain for your entire life. i can hear her screaming at me when i think about these times, i can almost see it, it's like im actually there again.

but of course it's always my fault. shes on the phone with my aunt i think talking about "well that plans just not gonna happen." so blatantly in front of me. sitting in the bathroom of her office building damn near nauseous from the stress and then were gonna go home and shes either gonna keep being angry or try and act like itll never happen.

shit like this is why im constantly high now. because at least she'll leave me alone when im high. honestly with how things are going my racist, transphobic, and man baby grandfather starts to look less horrible compared to her. because at least he wont fuckin allow me to let my guard down and then spit in my face.

im so fucming exhausted, im quite literally at my wits end. ive only been in such a deep depression in highschool and i tried to game end myself. literally what the fuck am i supposed to do. i only have like 1 friend i can talk to and i hate putting shit on her, shes got enough on her plate as is. i dont have a therapist anymore. my psychiatrist doesnt like to talk about what's going on bc hes afraid of weed and only schedules meetings that are 30 minutes long.

worst part is i cant fuckin cry. i wanna let these emotions out but after years of pushing them down my """""""normal""""""" is unbareable numbness. i dont feel anything whatsoever. i react inappropriately in most situations. im just in a constant detached state, when i finally see through my own thick shit im terrified of who ive become, that is if i can even recognize my own face.

but from a very early age it was beaten into me that showing weakness to anyone will get me hurt so i stopped. moms even commented that i dont react in normal ways. shes told me she doesnt believe i have panic attacks as often as i do because im not outwardly freaking out. firstly theres multiple kinds of panic attacks. secondly everytime im shaking and suffocating i get yelled at. told im making too big a deal out of what's going on and that i need to stop. so i fuckin suppressed it.

but of course it's all my fault for being actually unable to regulate my fucking emotions and for being so distant and unstable all the time. it’s funny when im not making up my own problems actual issues destroy me. idk man im just. im really tired. 

[masatoswife]

1, 5, and 11 :3

part marked in blue discusses nsfw topics! sorry this is gonna be a long one hskfhdk

1) what’s a Hot Take you have about your f/o?

not sure if this is considered a hot take but i do think it’s unpopular... i believe masato to be a very dreamy person. he has a tendency to be naive about things like his job, his future, etc... he easily lets himself get swayed by his emotions, even when in the back of his head, he knows better. (i do think this allows him to keep a positive attitude most of the time though)

i feel like you can also tell by how much he believes in fate, and how he always refers to himself as a knight... it’s almost fairy-tale like ;u; he might hide a lot of his feelings in his chest, but when you look at his outlook on life in all its shapes and forms, he’s honestly the most romantic person i know...

5) what’s the dumbest thing you’ve heard about your f/o, either on the internet or irl? 

hooo you just opened a whole can of worms. i’ll take this as an opportunity to vent a bit kfshf

first of all it really bothers me when people try to reduce him to silly character tropes... i’ve seen him be called a tsundere and a yandere before and i just... *makes frustrated hand movements* i personally just don’t get it you know? masato gets shy when he’s asked about love or when people are being affectionate right in front of him, but like... lowkey who doesn’t kfhskf it’s not like he’s actively denying his feeling to haruka, he just doesn’t want to disturb her with them.

and the yandere thing... is honestly one of the wildest takes i’ve seen... sure he’s jealous and super protective but?? 😭 apparently you can’t feel jealous anymore without being a sick freak

the second thing i want to mention is the strange divide between people calling him a kinky closet pervert vs the purest angel in the world who never thinks about anything improper ever... when truly, he’s neither of these, and i really don’t understand why people like to turn everything into an extreme so bad.

masato is definitely not sex repulsed!! in the games he literally has an internal fight about getting horny kfhskdh if anything, he’s afraid of his sexual expression because he doesn’t want to be looked down upon. (that’s why i hate when people treat it so lightly. being given the pure stamp will make him feel like he has an image to live up to, but being called dirty will make him feel like it’s wrong and he needs to correct his behavior) he’s so insecure about it, especially after that one incident... he’s started to see himself as a monster when it comes to sexual stuff and he just doesn’t want to make any more mistakes and have anyone end up hurt like that time.

on the opposite end, i really cannot see masato as a kinky perverted guy. at all. i definitely think there’s a lot of passion hidden in his chest, but he’s... an adult man... hormones are going to kick in and he’ll want sex just as much as the other guys do, why is it ‘dirty,’ ‘perverted’ or ‘kinky’ when he does it? is it because he’s the calm guy? is it because of the incident where he completely lost sight of who he was? or because of the chain thing in cecil’s route, where he was literally possessed by satan who abused the boys’ biggest fears?

i really just want masato to feel safe about his sexual feelings which is why i’m personally very intolerant of nsfw comments aimed at him.

the last thing for this question is when people believe masato has deeper feelings for ren or vice versa. i’m very sorry to anyone who likes this ship kdhdkf feel free to scroll past bc im about to get salty about it

i feel like people often completely misunderstand the relationship they have... they just. don’t like each other. that’s it. sure, they care for each other, but it’s more of a basic human respect thing than an ‘i like you’ thing. when you think about it, they are forced into so many situations together, sometimes even life-threatening, so that have no choice but to show care for each other. and then that’s used against them to show that they’re just being uwu tsundere! like sorry but unhealthy much? i can’t imagine being forced into a friendship like that... and still, they actually don’t even consider each other friends!! they’re just colleagues who have a lot of jobs together.

and like, i understand their contrast can be really appealing for a duo, and i do genuinely believe they can even have some sweet interactions sometimes. but i hate when shining, staff members, interviewers etc etc continue to try and look past the work-perspective to find some juicy details or fanservice between them. i understand, it’s the idol world, so it’s kind of just whatever, but the fact that no fans acknowledge this just worries me. i honestly feel bad for the both of them...

11) do you think it’s better to have a copious amount of content for your f/o, even with the risk of finding a lot of ship art, or better to have a lot less?

this is an easy decision for me tbh kfhdjf i’d rather have a lot less... it’s kind of reality for me anyway. i have almost all masato artists blocked because they all obsessively draw for my notp, or their portrayal differs incredibly from mine... so i live mostly on commissions these days. the amount of anxiety i go through when i see something that makes me uncomfortable is definitely worth the sacrifice.

[sorrowschengmei]

about the fandom and my love for kylo ren [vent post, not poetry][tw bullying]

sometimes i wonder what am i doing here at tumblr, really. they say to encourage every weirdo ‘someday you will be better than everyone who laughed at you’. we study while they hang out with their friends, we work while they sleep, and we never fucking live the life they want, they end up with the life they wanted and we end up being grateful for just being alive.

but there are things that are pure, really, that aren’t tied to capitalism, to survival, to socially fitting in, they are just beautiful and intense and poetic and brutal, and they do exist. he is one of them, the one i call my own truelove, and most people call ben solo or kylo ren.

today i watched tfa, and i could see why i fell in love with him... tlj kylo is a beautiful man, the most beautiful man, yes, but tfa kylo is more than a man. he looks like a dark angel, something that isn’t human and yet is too corrupted to be divine, he has a mystery that can’t be described with words and no one will ever decipher, he’s a poem on himself, more beauty than human.

i looked back into my early tfa days, how i interacted with the fandom, with kylo himself... i’d spend hours LOOKING FOR FANART, reblogging art, reading fic, reading headcanons, writing poetry and making my own doodles without any intention of publishing them. nowadays... nowadays i blacklisted all the artists of the reylo and kylux fandoms likewise, unfollowed all my art friends, get straight up suicidal if my stuff flops and i only publish stuff that is correctly rendered and at the peak traffic times, i got at least 5 anxiety attacks for looking at people with more followers/notes than i do, all of this why?? 

because i wanted people to like me, to like my art, to send me cute anons saying they love my stuff and asking me for requests. i wanted to know middle school was over, that people would appreciate me and my art in here as theoretically everyone loves kylo ren and i’m not a weirdo in here.

but i am a weirdo in here as well. i recently found out someone was gossiping about my love for kylo ren, saying very hurtful things about it, you have no idea of how much i cried when i found out, i think i spent 2 hours crying nonstop until i got exhausted. i look at kylo ren himself, not art, not fic, just the pictures of adam driver and i ask again: why??

why can’t things be simple like they were before? why can’t i just be myself without worrying about feedback? why did i become so bitter to the point i can’t fucking support my friends??? how did i become one of those millenials that value their self worth by the number of likes they get???? why can’t i just love kylo ren, draw him, see cute pics of him, without being crushed by years of trauma and the ‘socially inept’ stigma?? how did literally everything i hate in my life become attached to the thing i love the most?

being in the fandom hurts me, it hurts me so much. several times i said to myself ‘i curse the day i decided to watch tfa and met kylo ren’, and this is the saddest thing ever i could say, because kylo himself never brought me anything else but joy, support, lust, bliss, inspiration, contemplation, melancholy and the purest love i’ve ever felt.

i am afraid of people, and i have very real reasons for this. i’ve been lied, betrayed, deceived, attacked, pursued, tortured or just ignored by people on several fandoms. i can’t see art or fic or meta anymore, i just see the ego of the people who are doing it, how they only interact with the socially apt, repeat the same themes and styles, manipulate people into giving them stuff, gang up to harrass their enemies... people who draw kylo ren, who write about him.

you see, autistic minds work with patterns and organising logical conclusions around these patterns. in a fandom you have people you hate drawing someone you love, your friends supporting people you hate, people that never did anything but you hate them bc people you hate love them, people that hate you pretending they don’t, people that don’t hate you acting hateful just because???, and the most puzzling thing for me, that is people who hate kylo ren claiming they love him and want to see him having sex, a love life, a husband. it’s a complete mess. it’s a complete chaos. so you end up scared, running away from any kind of confrontation, blocking and blacklisting everyone, not speaking your mind because you don’t know if they are gonna agree with you and then attack you, disagree with you but agree later, attack you and then pretend they didn’t, pretend they disagree with you, ignore you...

i think i should leave the fandom, like i did in 2017. but this time i can’t, i already have a name, even a small name, i have ties with the community, everyone already knows my terrible personality and lack of self awareness, i have a place on this fandom and it is the place that always followed me: the weirdo, the outcast, ‘that guy’... 

when i entered here, all i wanted was to meet people that loved kylo ren too, as intensely as i did. i met some good, good friends, but i worry all the time they will leave me, and there are people that im not sure if they are my friends or they are just following the american social code of calling everyone ‘friend’. i wish things could be simpler, really... and unfortunately i have no place to go to enthuse about my love if i leave tumblr/the fandom =/ 

[if anyone thinks they have a thoughtful answer for my problem they are encouraged to send me a chat message]

[lolpri]

i either transfer to another school or i drop out i can't stand this particular school anymore and the education system is so unforgiving. there is no room for shitty mental health and this is probably universal but especially so here ... its unbearable and sometimes im like you know what i just need to push through another year (another 2 years now since im repeating the year) but i cry every morning dragging myself to school and by the time im back i have no more energy left in me and i go straight to bed and its the same thing 5 times in a row and then friday night im like "finally i can fucking breathe" and then sat im mostly ok until i realise the day after tmr would be back to school again and then sunday im an utter mess and its just the same old painful routine and my absenteeism is ridiculous and every time i try accounting for it my teacher questions it in the most accusatory tone like i already dont feel shit enough. and the worst part is i dont have a proper official diagnosis for whatever tf brain slump im in and im too terrified of a confirmation or like having to face the stigma but like fuck it really sucks to be me dont it. like im an optimist which i dont believe myself lol and i have so much gratitude in me like i am thankful for being a part of this universe and being part of the human experience and for the sudden moments of peace and clarity (like on sat my best friend and i just lay down outside the mall for like 3 hours like wow we really be going through shit and for once i felt so invincible and determined) its just for once i wish i got it together. like i wish i mustered the courage to do something drastic and find myself and find something that excites me that makes me feel good about myself and this life that ive been blessed with. i wish i just stopped giving a fuck about people and learn to run my own damn race i wish i could just make art 24/7. my dumb ass doodles my stupid ass art blog keeps me fucking THRIVING thats how im coping and i turn to the notes and the asks and the compliments to feel valid which is okay but not the most secure sense of gratification i guess. all i do is try to escape and dissociate through dumb youtube videos and in my head i have fantasies of a life where im a functioning human with goals and people i trust and a pretty face (which also doesnt matter). sometimes im afraid i daydream too much i might 1 day lose touch of reality and become deranged. this is so fucking long and tumblr presents as the most perfect Vent Space its just perfect which is probably unhealthy bc i need to deal w shit instead of complaining but its the concept of putting your deep seated feelings N thoughts out there on a public platform (even tho no ones gonna read all this shit) while at the same time being fully anonymous or at least disconnected from your real-time self and its so comforing and it feels like im actually getting it out and self reflecting probably not the best coping mechanism but at least im coping. i hope. been in bed all day ate half a pint of ben N jerrys feel like crap but im gonna eat something again blast some sappy lofi tunes clean my room make some art force myself to finish my project and do the best i fucking can every moment from now on

[neo-cherryy]

Bill’s Book || Bill Denbrough

Request: jungkooksbowlingskills- “Could you do 9 and 49 with bill denbrough? 💕”

49: “I don’t wanna screw this up”

9: “You’re in love with her.”

Summary: Bill has trouble expressing his feelings for (Y/N), and Eddie can see him struggling. Whilst (Y/N) talks to Beverly about her feelings for Bill.

A/N: so I kinda used my feelings for someone who I proper like who looks so much like Jaeden so it kinda helped with this, so I hope you’s enjoy it bc this is basically the situation im in rnnnn lol help. I also wrote this while listening to Appalachian Moon by Kevin Reilly (bc Charlie Heaton in As You Are) on repeat to get that feeling you knowwww, so I suggest listening to it whilst reading if you can. (I also wanna do a lil story of Bev x reader, so I guess let me know your thoughts on that bc I have an idea and it’d be helloooooo emotional- and based off of ‘as you are’)

Bill had never been so unsure, confused and scared of something so much in his life. He was unsure of his feelings, confused as to why he couldn’t pinpoint how he felt and scared that she would disappear. Ever since Georgie, Bill had trouble getting close to someone, too terrified of them getting hurt and leaving him. He was a very quiet person; he didn’t want the rest of the group to know about these uncertain feelings he had: the first secret he’d ever kept from them all. But if one thing helped him the most, it was that she was the same: terrified however, she was pretty certain of her feelings towards him. It had taken her a while to adjust to the new feeling of liking someone, but she soon came to the realisation that, yes, she completely adored him. Yet, neither one knew about the other.

“How ya doing Bill,” she smiled, nudging him lightly as she sat beside him on the wide library steps. He smiled in return, but couldn’t seem to get any words out, and so he just decided to nod. “What are the plans for today, then?” she watched as everyone discussed about the layout of the day, but gradually she zoned out. Voices becoming background noise to the shuffles of Bill beside her, of his flu sniffles and his nervous breathing. She turned to him, seeing that he was already slightly looking at her too, before the two quickly looked away from each other.

“Were either of you, shits, actually listening?” Richie asked, suddenly bringing her focus back to them. She looked up and nodded, before looking down to her feet, the points of them facing inwards to each other. “Liars,” he shouted in a British accent, causing everyone to roll their eyes.

“Shut up, Itchie,” she joked, standing up and flicking his forehead, causing a small laugh to escape Bill’s mouth. This made her turn round sharply to look at him, but he just closed his book and stood too, feeling slightly embarrassed.

“W-we should g-g-get going t-t-t-t,” he tried to get the words out but they didn’t seem to want to. Richie laughed to himself and she shoved him lightly.

“Seriously, Rich, shut up,” she said. “Bill, take your time,” she nodded towards him but he just shrugged.

“I-it doesn’t matter,” he said quietly, which led the group to look at each other. They didn’t understand why Bill had been acting this way for the past week, but Eddie had his suspicions. He knew Bill too well, knowing that certain behaviours of his meant something deeper. Eddie looked at him as he walked away, chasing to catch up to him. Bill turned to his side at him, saw Eddie’s concerned face. “It d-d-doesn’t matter,” he repeated reassuringly but Eddie wasn’t convinced.

Beverly and (Y/N) were sat on (Y/N)’s roof, the sunset gradually coming to an end. “Do you know what’s up with Bill, lately?” she asked but Beverly shook her head. (Y/N) sighed, looking out to the sky, knees close to her chest as paranoia and sorrow formed. “I’m worried about him, Bev.”

Beverly looked over to her, a weak smile held limply on her face. “We all are,” she took a deep breath and exhaled loudly. For the rest of the day earlier, Bill had kept his distance and tried to speak as little as possible. “What about you?” she asked, looking to (Y/N) softly, “Are you okay?” Beverly had been seeing the way that she looked at Bill for the past month, an ache in her chest of empathy.

(Y/N) just shrugged, “I don’t even know anymore,” she spoke quietly, biting the inside of her lip. She stayed staring out towards the sky, absent-mindedly. “Like my whole focus has been on making sure Bill’s okay, you know, because of everything with Georgie, so much that I forgot to take shit seriously for myself,” Beverly listened intently as she vented. “But lately he’s been so dismissive with me over the littlest of things,” she quickly turned her body to face Beverly. “Have I done something? Is there something I should’ve picked up on, like what- what am I meant to do?” she ran her hands through her hair, frustrated and upset.

Beverly placed her hands on her forearms as they rested on her head, “(Y/N) you haven’t done anything,” she reassured her, looking her directly in the eyes. “It’s probably just Georgie,” she took her hands away and (Y/N) lowered her arms. The two looked at each other softly before they both turned to look at in front of them again.

They stayed in silence for a while, listening to the sounds of cars and birds in the distance. They could hear her neighbours playing music loudly, clearly drowning out the noise of a family argument. They could see lights in the far houses gradually dimming to black, almost as if they played a Mexican wave of turning off lights.

“Bev,” she said, barely above a whisper, wanting to keep the secret to her ears only. Beverly hummed, indicating for her to proceed. “I think I like Bill,” Beverly’s heart stopped for a mere second, she had always had the thought that she did.

“At least you finally admitted it to someone,” she laughed lightly, an elegant sound through the night. “What are you going to do about it?” she asked, not wanting to make any eye contact.

“I don’t know,” she breathed out, laying down on her back, hands underneath her head for comfort. Beverly turned to her this time and rested on her elbow beside her. “What do you do in this situation?” Beverly stayed quiet and just shrugged in reply.

“Maybe just tell him,” she suggested.

“I don’t want to screw this up,” (Y/N) took a slow blink, sighing louder than she had before. “I don’t want to ruin the group, it’s the only place I’ve felt comfortable.”

“I can’t tell you what to do,” Beverly sat up, as did (Y/N). Beverly held her legs close to her whilst (Y/N) had her legs out in front of her, she rested her head on Beverly’s shoulder. “This whole thing is up to you.”

Eddie followed Bill that evening, determined to find out why Bill was acting the way he was. Bill had spent the journey continuously telling Eddie to go home, but Eddie stayed put beside him. When they reached Bill’s house, the two sat on his steps together. Bill had finally given up with crying alone in his room, and whilst he stared towards the road that Georgie had followed, his lip began to quiver. Eddie placed an arm around his shoulder, rubbing his back as he did so, and let Bill sob without pestering.

Bill sat up from his hunched position, wiped his eyes with his palms before Eddie passed him a tissue from his fanny-pack. He looked at his friend, his chest aching with empathy as much as Beverly’s did for (Y/N). “I’m s-sorry,” Bill muttered, slightly embarrassed.

“Don’t be,” Eddie spoke quickly, crushed that Bill felt the need to apologise. “Don’t ever be sorry for crying, Bill, you’re allowed to grieve,” he removed his hand from Bill’s back and placed it on his lap. Bill sniffled and mumbled something that Eddie couldn’t make out. “I’m sorry for following you home but you know I’m worried about you, we all are.”

“I’m f-f-fine,” he managed to get out. Eddie sighed and shook his head, “What?” Bill asked, confused at Eddie’s reaction.

“You’ve been different,” he said. “And that’s not just because of Georgie, is it, Bill?” he raised his eyebrows, knowing full well there was more of an underlying issue. Bill shook his head. “Thank you, now, you’re going to talk about it with me,” he spoke with a firm insistence.

“Ed-d-die,” he spoke quietly, looking to floor away from him. “I don’t th-think I c-c-can,” he shook his leg nervously.

“Why not?” Eddie asked, concerned and worried for Bill. “How bad is it, Bill?” Bill stayed quiet, fiddling with thumbs. He didn’t know if he should tell Eddie or just lie, but he wanted to tell someone. He wanted to tell someone what he was afraid but that only made him more afraid of losing his friends. “Bill?” Eddie’s voice was muffled behind Bill’s paranoid thoughts.

“I,” He stopped himself from speaking, he tapped his book before passing it to Eddie. At first Eddie was confused, but when Bill nodded towards he realised that the answer was held within the book. He looked at Bill, making sure he had 100% permission, and then looked down. He carefully opened the book to find drawings of Georgie at first, then to some small stories he’d written, next few pages of the Losers Club, until finally he came to the pages in which she covered. Her face, drawn perfectly and painted perfectly, covered them: laughing, crying, side views, almost everything.

“You’re in love with her,” Eddie whispered, mostly to himself but enough to let Bill hear him. “Bill, these are amazing.”

Bill took the book back gently, closing it and rested it on his lap again. “I don’t know h-how I f-f-feel, Eds.”

“Yes you do,” he said plainly. “You’re just scared, which is understandable but at least tell her. Let her know, Bill, let her see those,” Bill shook his head. “Bill.”

“I don’t th-think it’s the s-s-same thing for her,” he muttered and Eddie laughed lightly, causing him to look up at him.

“You’re joking, right? Have you seen the way she looks at you, looks after you and acts around you?” Eddie stood up, energy fuelled and excited. “Tell her, Bill, trust me.”

Beverly had made (Y/N) think for the remainder of the night and for the week after. Eddie had made Bill contemplate his feelings and contemplate admitting them to her throughout the week, also. None of the others in the group had even noticed the difference in atmosphere when the two were near, as well as having Eddie and Beverly knowing.

(Y/N) had woken up one morning with the instant need to tell him; the feeling had been brewing through her sleep and as soon as her eyes opened, she knew. She got up, earlier than usual, and got dressed into her jeans, large knitted jumper and quickly took a piece of toast from the middle plate from the middle of the dining table. She sat at the bottom of the stairs and put on her worn out converse, stumbling slightly as she stood up and finished tying the second shoe. She opened the front door, breathed nervously and then closed the door behind her, finding her way towards Bill’s house.

Bill had done the same, woken up with this sudden desire to tell her how he felt. His feelings had become a lot more certain after his discussion with Eddie and his contemplation week. He woke up and took a second as he looked at Georgie’s door, instantly becoming overwhelmed by his fears of loss. He walked passed the door and let them float away from his mind, now confident with his decision. He got dressed, green Tracker Bros. shirt and half-length jeans already laid out for him to wear. He grabbed his book and shoved it into his rucksack; made his way downstairs and to the front door. He breathed nervously, a small hint of him filled with doubt and regret, and then opened the door, walking outside.

“C’mon, (Y/N), keep it together,” she spoke to herself, rubbing her clammy hands together to lessen the sweat. She walked fast and was unsure if she was shivering because of nerves or the because of the breeze. She went over the specific words she wanted to say in her head, constantly shaking her head and mentally changing them.

“B-Bill,” he muttered. “You’re ok-kay, y-you can d-d-do this,” he tripped slightly on his way, looking around him to see if anyone had noticed. He, too, went over his exact words, more so his actions of giving her the book and his explanation of each drawing of her. Then he thought, what if she finds it weird? He shook his head, in attempts to get the thought to leave his head and then he stopped in his tracks.

She looked up and came to an abrupt halt, staring at the boy in front of her. “Hi,” they said at the same time. They both blushed and laughed, looking away from each other anxiously and then back to each other. “I was just coming to see you,” she said.

“S-s-so was I,” he smiled. “I mean, I-I was c-c-coming to s-see you,” he corrected, scrunching his face in embarrassment and regret. “S-sorry,” he mumbled.

“Don’t be,” she smiled warmly towards him, the two still standing opposite each other. “I wanted to tell you something, Bill,” he opened his eyes and looked at her, hope written across his face.  

“I have something to give you,” he trailed, slightly unsure if he should go ahead with the idea.

“I like you, Bill,” she spoke fast, desperate to get the feelings out in the open. He froze. “I think I love you.” His eyes widened and he couldn’t get any words out, all he could was smile. He then quickly rummaged, holding a finger to her as he did, for the book.

He passed her the book and nodded for her to open it, she gave the same look to him as Eddie did, making sure she was allowed to and making sure he was okay with it. He waved for her to open it and she turned the pages, seeing all of the things that Eddie had seen. Her eyes scanned the pages, she trailed her fingers across the paintings and drawings.

“Bill,” she whispered, amazement and adoration filling her eyes in the form of tears. “Bill, these are… these are incredible,” she looked up to him, seeing his smile wider and he looked a lot more at ease. He didn’t look as stressed, dismissive or scared.

“I’m in l-love w-w-with you,” he said. “I wasn’t sure a-at f-first, I w-was s-scared because of G-G-Georgie,” he struggled with his brother’s name so she placed her hand on his upper arm for comfort. “Then E-Eddie t-told me I did,” she laughed lightly.

“Eddie told you that you loved me?” he nodded. “That’s really sweet,” she smiled. The two shared a look before she leant forward and kissed his cheek, a lingering and caring type of kiss, to allow him to take the moment in, and to allow him to know she wasn’t going to leave him.

[mrfreezebug]

Idk I’ve mentioned a few shitty exes in passing before. But I never go into detail. And idk man due to recent events I’m just gonna vent a little bit about a piece of emmett dating history. CW: Bad bad bad relationship things  tl;dr tl;dr tl;dr  s orry if you’re on mobile 

So like YEARS AGO I got technically broken up with 3 times over a three month period which resulted in me being stoned out of my mind for three weeks straight and shit faced when i wasn’t up all up there. I just felt horrible. And through all that... I managed to meet someone who seemed super chill, fun, and nice and junk. And while we were casually seeing each other I got to meet new people and swing with them a lil. It was super therapeutic and they seemed so open minded and like they knew themselves so well... and I was still so lonely that I thought even though I didn’t have feelings yet I admired the FUCK out of them in the moment and thought i could grow to really like them?? We talked about it a lot and they sounded super understanding. Even though they constantly asked if I was ready they kept telling me they wanted "easy” as much as I did... But once I let go of my apprehensions of getting with them officially...  It turned out to be a big mistake. SO shit happened and once we became official the person who I was seeing before who ghosted suddenly messaged me bein all “sorry babe” and I was all: “I gotta tell u something” And so I told them I was seeing someone else on accounta how they just ditched me for a month with no response. And they asked me who And I told them And they told me to get the fuck out that they were a trash person. They also guilted me for moving on. “I leave for a week and you’re already on to someone else??” like R U K I D D I N G M E and I thought they were just being a salty jealous piece of bitch so I told them to chill. But they wanted closure and I’m nice so I said ok to meeting up in person. But the person I was seeing currently said they feared for my safety and that I’d cheat on them with that person. (Needless 2say they did not like eachother) And I was just??? “I wouldn’t cheat and what sorta safety concerns r there” And they were all “they’ll rape you or something and I don’t want to date someone who puts themself in the position to be raped” That was a pretty big red flag lmfao.

I should have just told both them to fuck off then but Ive never learned to really just leave anyone like that before. Im way better at it now but before I didn’t want to break ties with the only person who seemed to want to be around me and make me happy at that moment... so I just ignored that gross comment and I just told the other person we couldn’t meet.

But sure enough that weird kinda controlling situation turned into 8months of a hellish relationship where they were just SCREAMING at me for EVERYTHING. Like they literally screamed all the time. There were more times I was being yelled at than not??? Other people often told them to even calm the fuck down in public. It was wild. The screaming bullshit got to the point where THEIR friends came to me to see if I was okay. They’d literally sit me down and ask me if they physically harmed me. Which, they didn’t but there were threats surrounding every time I forgot something or messed something up. Nothing like serious but, honestly? Who for real who says “it makes me want to smack you when you can’t remember basic things.” Thinking back to this rn is so shocking to me. Idk man.

A few times they would get way too into my face and I’d have to physically shove them away because it was too intense. Just yelling. Right in my face. I can’t even remember why they were yelling. They were just always over reacting over something small I did. It all blurred together at some point. I just know I was always either zoned the fuck out or crying.  They also would often brag about being able to make people cry also. Like “I can make anyone cry. I know what to say to I get to people the most.” And it’s fucking gross, as well as a common thing I’d run into with other friends n shit. Idk why controlling people always end up with my wimpy ass. BuT ANYWAY I also couldn’t use my computer, go to conventions, or see friends without dealing with their controlling ass. So that was also a bag of shit. My life was fucking MISERABLE Talking to them only got me so far. Like five minutes of potential mutual clarity in any situation before they’d go on a rant about their problems and it’d basically end with me saying sorry with no progress. And I was still so soft spoken then when I tried twice to break up w/them it failed. It makes me want to go back and SHAKE MYSELF like why did I put myself through that for THAT MANY MONTHS???  Another kicker: similar to my experiences with other partners I was coerced into sexual situations probably every other week tops?? By threatening to break up with me, or tell me that I suck as a partner, telling me I make them feel ugly, etc… shits fucking weird like here I was crying like 9/10 times they guilted me for not wanting sex, my face is fucking UGLY and they still wanted it?? SHIT MAN. I cried during sex a lot. It fucks with me to this day. My initial instinct is to be too afraid to say no to sex.

But they actually ended up breaking up with me bc I went to go hang out with a friend and not tell them. It was probably more of a threat to try to control me but I saw that opening and booked it so far away, man I went to Denny’s that night for the first time without worrying about upsetting them for not answering their texts right away. I actually felt BAD that I didn’t care tho?? It was dumb but this thing is still a bit of a problem for me. Even if logically they deserve to feel bad, I feel horrible for hurting anyones feelings. They seemed WAY torn up about the break up. I made some empty promises like an idiot. Telling them I’d see how I felt if they worked on their anger issues and shit. It was so fucked up when I was alone with them I felt so bad for them. I felt like I really hurt them or that I owed them something for the times they were nice to me and paid for my shit and whatnot. I also have trouble staying mad. I always just forgive and wanna move on. So we’d actually meet up with peeps at gay events n what not, I was friends with their friends at this point and I didn’t want to rock the boat with anyone even when they tried getting me back at the most random times. But I’m hella distant from people in general. It gets me into trouble with people I genuinely used to like let alone with people who stress me out lmao So they’d send me paragraphs of friendship break ups and delete me from everything then message me and try to readd me again and then get upset again that I don’t “check in on them” how “I don’t care about anyone but myself” and just all around stress me the fuck out. I just have a hard time checking in on people bc of various reasons. I’m working on my self confidence for it. And I don’t want to make people stay if that bothers them. So I just kinda let them come and go but the constant confrontation is STRESSFUL. It makes it harder to check in on anyone who pulls that shit tbh.

And NOW they’re trying to do it again after a few years and like I feel BAD again and like I should be over everything tbh it was YEARS AGO BUT I REALLY DONT WANT TO CARE ANYMORE.  IM KINDA PATHETIC T H E   E N D

[spartalabouche]

Tagged by @sirlance-o-lot

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Song stuck in my head: be okay - oh honey

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Other blogs: cxndy-floss (inactive shopping blog) friskyfelinefloozy (lps popular) pidgeholtwiki (inactive voltron) wlwyuri (inactive ddlc) and a vent blog and nsfw blog and then also a billion hoarded urls

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I TAG @tolerantfelidae @bring-us-back-light and anyone else who wants 2 be tagged i suck at tagging

[myfucking-illusion]

pt III of that venting text SKIP PLEASE, im sorry about this i promise its the last one

i wont lie, though, im afraid of letting her go bc i dont want to be alone, i literally dont have any other friends besides her, i didnt have the chance to make friends on the new city bc in 2019 i was getting used to a whole different place, bc i lived on my birth town my whole life and it was a country town, today i live in the capitol of my state, it was a huge change, also i was so insecure of not being with my best friend that i shutted myself completely for other friends (thats something i thank my boyfriend for, he respected my "friend issues" and took me with him), 2020 i spent at home bc of the pandemic and 2021 feels like its going to be equal as 2020.

i dont know the day of tomorrow, god forbid but what if something happens between me and my boyfriend? i have no one to cry to, no one to listen to me. and not only that, sometimes i want to talk about girl stuff and my boyfriend is a guy, he might try but it isnt the same as talking to a girlfriend, i feel like i need her, i feel like i dont know how to live without her... is it true? i dont know and im afraid of finding out.

my mom and my boyfriend always say that there aren't true friends, people are like that, you cant blindly trust someone, we are alone and will remain alone, bc none of the ppl so called friends are going to be there when you truly need, this best friend stuff only exists when you are 15 bc (most of the times) we dont have real problems.

my mom always had my dad and i aspire to be like that, to have my boyfriend by my side and have ppl i'm acquainted with, but he is the only one who i know will be there when i need, but i dont know tomorrow. today we are good, today we love each other and plan on getting married, but i cant say it will be like that tomorrow even though i want so much to be with him till the death tear us apart.

2 days ago was the last time we spoke, she said some heavy stuff to me, stuff that a friend shouldn't say, let alone the best one. she is mad at me bc i dont talk to her everyday, bc i dont tell her everything about my life, bc i dont like the same stuff she does and bc im not the same girl i was 5 years ago, she didnt leave room for conversation, she was mean, i'm not going to beg for her friendship or whatever, i'm not going to answer her and i feel like neither will she, she's too proud, unfornately i'll have to be proud too, i'm not going to beg for someone else's love, not anymore.

im really afraid of what life holds for me, it is a big change in my life, she is with me since 2014 and suddenly letting her go feels so weird and wrong, even though she gave me reason to do so, i feel like my life is going to fall apart and honestly i dont know what to expect, i hope things get better, i really do, i need it, i cant lose everything, i cant simply lose someone who's so important for me and be fucked by life, i wont be able to live like that.

i wish i could have a teaser of the future bc rn im feeling so sad, so stupid and i KNOW im right, she was a bitch with me, she wasnt concerned at all about our friendship she was mean to me, it felt like we werent even friends, she didnt care about us at all, it's been a while and she blames me, i must have guilt on this too, ofc, but i know i'm not 100% wrong, i know it isnt all on me and she believes it is, she refuses to see that she has hurt me too and so much, i didnt heal, im not feeling ok with her, even though i want to (or wanted to).

i dont know if there is any salvation, i dont know what life is holding for me, i'm nervous and sad, i hope i will be fine, from the bottom of my heart i will take care of myself the best i can so i dont fall apart, i will give my best to my other relationships so this wont happen again, i will try very hard to make friends, to be more open and to forgive her and forget about this situation so i can remember our friendship as something good, even though i dont want to say goodbye i wish we could reconcile i really did.

i dont like letting people in.. i wish she could stay, but apparently it´s time to let go.

[gaybaconprincess]

I found an old Doc with a Marching Band AU so take it

Jericho / Joseph Wilson (Flute)

‘That one gay friend who has a better fashion sense than me’

Don’t pronounce his last name as ‘willis’ like the principal or he will f you up

And by that he means he’ll get his scary brass boyfriend to f you up

Probably the sassiest person in Band

He is an angry human espresso and if you look at Kyd Wykkyd for too long he’ll break your leg

Very protective of his batnerd

Kole is also a flute n they are very good buds

Vows to one day burn the school’s band uniforms so they have to buy new ones

Calls everyone ‘fam’

If it’s possible to be that one controversial archetype he will be it

He is also the school’s biggest male feminist

Bumblebee is the biggest female feminist

Also he likes penciling in weed symbols (despite the fact he has never touched a drug in his life) all over the school campus

Mainly only joined Band because the Wilson bunch were sitting at a family dinner once and somebody (he doesn’t even remember anymore like maybe ROse?? Maybe Father????) said that the only instrument he could play was his twangy guitar and ofc he took that as a cHALLENGE

Raven / Raven Roth (Clarinet)

Very dark humour

Only real friend is Jericho bc they like to complain about Grayson together

Also Jericho is the only person who laughs at her jokes

Has more power over people than she lets on

Dating the head cheerleader helps too (angel)

Pretty chill

Not v good at physical fighting but just her all around dry personality will intimidate you

The woodwind section is filled with very violent human gnomes it seems

she has a tumblr indeed but trust me yOU DONT WANT IT

its filled with actual witch spells and v v gory things 

Joined Band for the extra credit, stayed for the time away from home

Her home consists of her usually absent mother and emotionally abusive father (my way of inserting Trigon in here somewhere) and Joey is really the only person that knows and she can just vent to

They’ve had well over a few crying sessions

 SeeMore / Seymour Johnson (Saxophone)

Joined band bc he’s a broke idiot in need of a scholarship

Joined saxophone because mEMES

Plays ‘we are number one’ every f-ing time Kyd so much as looks at him

bf(f)’s with the Herald

Totally thirsty for some brass trumpet boy but totally not the Herald oh no

(it’s so the Herald)

Has hit himself in the face with his sax thirteen too many times

Wears the nerdiest glasses possible but no one can say shit bc he’s the best marcher they’ve got really

Chillest of the chill you will ever meet

Cries @ disney movies

Probably watches conspiracy theory videos in his free time

Is slowly attempting to bring tumblr humor into the real world

also afraid of chickens. look its a really long story k.

Joined Band to prove to his parents that nO HE IS NOT DOING DRUGS AFTER SCHOOL HE IS ACTUALLY ATTEMPTiNG to MAKE YOU PROUD

 The Herald / Malcolm Duncan (Trumpet)

Best friends w/ Jericho even tho Jericho regrets it

*Jericho walks into the Band Hall*

‘aND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA’ *trumpet noises*

He and Seymour meme together

Is just obnoxious in general

Pulls candy and other food items out of nowhere at the worst times

Just wants people to hang out with after school. Hot Spot’s no fun and Jericho’s family is insane.

 BumbleBee / Karen Beecher (French Horn)

Is just way too tired for this

Mom friend

Doesn’t have time to deal with everyone’s shit

Joey can relate

‘malcolm duncan i dare you to blow that trumpet in my ear oNE MORE TIME’

Is everyone’s big sister but mainly Mal’s

Makeup game is always on point

Wants to kick Seymour and Mal in the throat everyday bc jUST KISS YOUR SEXUAL TENSION IS RUINING THE REHEARSAL

 Kyd Wykkyd / Elliot Knight (Trombone)

Toll pencil is dating smol espresso

Looks mean and scary but just wants hugs and colored pencils

‘Deal hugs not drugs’

Makes too many puns

Literally every other sentence has some hidden pun in it

Loves picking Joey up and carrying him around

Gives people really terrible nicknames

Biggest weab of them all

‘I sexually identify as Terezi Pyrope’

Don’t even say the word homestuck/undertale around him he’ll either start crying or laughing maniacally

‘What do you mEAN YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT RWBY IS’

Has memorized all of Light Yagami’s lines on Death Note

Quotes Steven Universe (mainly Pearl) on a daily basis

k like,,,,you think,,,you tHINK he’s the smart friend.

oH NO BUDDY ARE YOU WRONG

if you’ve ever seen any Roosterteeth video ever

He is Gavin Free.

The embodiment of ‘wot if...our legs...didn’t know they were lEGS???’

Joey just kinda shushes him and pretends to know what he’s talking about

Billy Numerous / William Strayer (Euphonium)

Mammoth’s ultimate wingman

‘God bless murica’

Mispronounces words on purpose to piss off Kyd and Raven

Hates his pointy marching shoes

Hides tennis balls in the saxophones to Seymour’s dismay

Got hit with a trombone once and then had to pay for it to be fixed

Totally not kyd’s

Likes to make fun of Joey’s height which is WHY he got hit with a trombone

Roots for BBQ places every time the Band stops to eat on a trip

‘Aight but...does Wykkyd is gay??’

Mammoth / Baran Flinders (Tuba)

Is the most intimidating person you will ever meet and he kNOWS IT he GLOATS IN THAT FACT

‘gEEZ YOU GUYS SHUT UP I DONT HAVE A THING FOR STARFIRE THATS DISGUSTinG’

‘We were just asking why she wasn’t at rehearsal today’

Is also a vry broke idiot but somewhat enjoys band

The aMOUNT of times he has been stopped by football coaches and borderline bribed to be on the team

Is the one who shamelessly sprints the whole way to the cafeteria everyday

‘Foods before dudes, sorry’

He and Billy often have eating competitions

Jericho lives in fear every time he’s not tardy for class

Also looks mean but will cRUSH YOu....with a bear hug

When asked what 2 plus 2 was he responded with a very startled and nervous 22

Kid Flash / Wally West (Percussion)

Look,,,,buddy,,,,amigo,,,,chum,,,,

He and Kyd Wykkyd have had a lil rivalry goin on since the fiRST TIME KYD STOLE HIS APPLE JUICE IN PRE-K

Y do you think he joined percussion… (it’s because percussion is usually seated behind trombones and Kyd hates drums and loud noises)

bUT on the plus side his ADHD is now a lot less terrifying

During practice he literally just plays Hall of Fame on repeat

‘No...no no….no no plEASE STOP TOUCHING MY HAIR’

(jokingly) chants the word ‘gay’ and slowly gets louder every time Kyd so much as sPEAKs

He and Kyd have sarcasm competitions

Also memes but less out loud and more…

‘Wally I sweAR TO GOD IF YOU DONT STOP TeXTING ME MEMES IN CLASS’

‘Wykkyd iS THAT AN WEED IM CALLING THE POLICE’ inside jokes

Jinx / Jaya Salem (Pit)

Just wants a nap

All the time

Someone get her an energy drink

Puts up with Kyd + Mammoth + Billy + See-More’s shit not to mention her little brother most of the time

It’s Gizmo. The little brother is Gizmo.

‘I just...want to just like...can I plug myself into a charger? Can I do that, is that a thing?’

Literally the only person out of her friend circle that passes most of her classes

dO NOT TOUCH HER CATS JUST DONT DO IT

‘Do you think if I concuss myself I can get out of practice for today?’

all of her jokes are also either self depricating or just insulting to others

insomniac

Punk Rocket / Thomas Leonard (Drum Major)

mOST IRRESPONSIBLE DRUM MAJOR EVER 0/10 WOULD NOT RECOMMEND

‘Well y’know...i’m already in a Band so like...how hard could Drum Major be?’

Very hard. He made a mistake. He regrets everything.

School Principal: ‘are you aware that your hair is white?’

Rocket: ‘are you aware that your a fUCKING SQUARE???’

He got suspended after that

‘Okay look I know it looks really gay that I’m riding on a motorcycle with my really hot buddy but it’s not - fuck that is really gay, maybe I’m really gay.’

One big bundle of ‘oh no’ when you pop the question of ‘what’s your sexuality’

Gets wAY TOO INTO the really big moments when directing on field

Fell of the pedestal his first game

Over time actually starts taking Band very seriously and enjoying it

Slade Wilson

funds the Band’s everything

Addie cooks for the Band and helps with fundraisers

also I just really need an AU where Slade is just,,,,a good dad,,,,Joey deserves a good dad k

he was off in the army for a while so he comes back and apparently Joey is not four anymore?? and he has a boyfriend???? and turned out to somehow be shorter than his own mother?????????

Joey made ‘when will my father return from the war’ jokes the entire time to cope

Slade is still getting used to things and the crowd and screaming of football games makes him v uncomfortable but he goes to support Joey

who is off to the side trying to avoid looking at his father who is now waving his hands frantically

Rose comes too but mainly to make fun of the entire Band

Grant’s already in college so he don’t give a shit

Literally everyone in the Band lOVES Mr. Wilson and Adeline but Joey just wants them to leave him alone

Slade is that one dad,,,,he tRIES SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND BAND HUMOR AND IT DOESNT WORK

still doesn’t know how he feels about Kyd 

Slade and Joey bond over Slade picking him up after practice and Joey iMMEDIATELY going into rant mode

‘tHIS HETERO A HOLE DAD YOU WOULDNT BELIEVE-’

surprisingly okay with Joey’s sexuality, he’s still getting used to it nonetheless

Mrs. and Mrs. Wykkyd

Kyd Wykkyd has two v lesbian moms and you can’t tell me otherwise like that’s my headcanon for him plus I love supportive gay parents that are better parents than the hets themselves

Kyd was adopted but they love their beautiful son v v much and he loves them

Kyd never really knew his biological parents and everyone acts like it’s a big deal but he he doesn’t?? care???? he knows who his parents are its Aarti Bindiya-Knight and Alison Knight duh

one of his moms is East Indian so he takes part in a lot of her culture just like his other mom does

he also gets vERY OFFENDED and filled with Righteous Anger when anyone discriminates or makes Indian jokes / lesbian jokes in class

Elliot is taller than both of his moms and usually has to bend down so they can hug him

Alison is American and very vERY kind hearted

Aarti has a very muscley stature and it taller than Alison. Her hair is cut short and curly and she looks like the person who will want to fight you and hug you at the same time.

Alison is v v short and has very light blonde hair that just kind wisps everywhere. V pale and really really likes sundresses.

Alison still tries to kiss Elliot on the cheek before he gets on the bus but Aarti holds her back so Elliot can run

she’s the cooking mom. she cooks. all the time. that’s how she shows her emotions.

‘Aar what if he forgot his backpack or his lunch do you think he’s doing okay what if someone is bullying him as we speak-’ ‘Ali. Ellie is fine. He is twice your height either way there is no way he is getting bullied.’

Alison got Elliot into drawing which he does a lot now

they are v v supportive of literally anything he does and most kids are actually kinda jealous. 

tHEY ARE THE OVEREXCiTeD PARENTS AT EVERY GAME

NEITHER KNOW WHATS GOING ON BUT THEIR SON IS DOING A THING SO THATS WHATS IMPORTANT

they still keep home videos from when Elliot was a baby despite his birthday wish being for them to burn all of the videos last year

Barry Allen

he’s the track coach at their school and everybody was ASTONISHED when he showed up to a football game

‘okay yeah I know where the track field is - can you all maybe chill I just wanna see my nephew hit his drums.’

He and Wally are the ‘Red headed Heathens’ of the school

a term coined by the principal himself

Barry is still trying to get Wally to join track (he is also still failing)

Blows his whistle like a fricking AIRHORN at games

Very big despite only working on his legs ever and also very affectionate so I hope you have a strong spine because he shows his appreciation via hugs

the only teacher with actual freckles

fRECKLES

‘I would give you some cool pep talk Wally but to be honest I have no idea what’s going on just go out and have fun.’