#and im lonely in my room again
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not me sulking in the corner about how lonely i am but also not making the effort to talk to people
#everything is wrong with me#like everything#not everyone around you is bad or too loud to let you be friends with them#maybe sometimes you should talk to people more#and not to be you know antisocial#but at the same time you tried and it didnt work and your social battery was just left drained#is it really worth socializing with people#i get out of my shell then i make friends#but then something happens and im drained#and im lonely in my room again#and its a whole cycle#its tiring as hell#oh god i hate myself
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pls i need to provide updates
#basically yesterday night was chaharshanbe suri . which is a solar new yr tradition where we let go of the past suffering in our year#and like...start the new yr w fresh vigour . anyway so my friend was at the event and we were abt to leap over the fire#and she was like bro im im glad u blocked her (situationship) etc etc . and then. my phone started vibrating. and i look at it. and my f#friend looks at it. and its her. and were both like what the fuck?? i blocked her things r Over and anyway so i pick up the phone and shesl#acting like nothing happened (bc nothing DID happen for her) and she was like ohh ur doing chaharshanbe suri im not doing anything etc what#are ur new yr plans so i jusr .IDK WHY I DID THIS . but ig i didnt wanna come off as like lonely i said probably hanging out w family and#friends maybe reading poetry together . et cetera and she was like wait that sounds so fun why didnt u invite me!#LIKE WDYM YOUVE BEEN CONSISTENTLY MAKING IT CLEAR U DONT WANT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE . and i told her that after#everything i thought she didnt want to see me again and she was like you always think that 😐 . like. ?? ok anyway so she expects me to#invite her . and like. there is an above 0% but sub-5% chance she will actually show up . but the panic that gripped me#i started making calls to my friends asking them if they can come on the 23rd bc there must be an event and also i asked my mother#and she said actually yeah i am doing a thing on the 23rd :D it involves over 16 ppl (we live in a v small flat) of which like...7 are kids#so you wont have space to be in ur own room let alone invite others. which tbh like ...being around a bunch of loud kids doesnt seem fun fo#any of my friends or me etc so i thought maybe i should arrange things so that we all go out together and if she shows up she shows up 🤷♀️#but . im so. WHY DID I SAY THAT . i had to panic-call my research partner and ask him to get from oxf to where i live on the 23rd#and when he heard the explanation he like. the light in his voice disappeared 💀 but he potentially agreed so idk#THE ISSUE IS. 23rd im supposed to also have . a date#w this girl that i had a huge crush on when i was 15-16 (posted abt this b4 but id get shitty black coffee in the mornings just to spend a#few more minuted w her each day and she was the cleverest girl in school and she cared abt nothing but her academics but now shes very gay#scraggly homosexual etc etc shes cute) and YEAH IDK#like id have to go there on the date come back fast meet ppl POTENTIALLY (again under 5%) meet situationship girl#like is that even doable#but the thing is it would be so so so funny bc all of my friends dislike her sooo much#.........what if i invited the girl im supposed to have a date w over to hang out w us#god that would be so hilarious and chaotic . i wont do it tho im a mature person x#but it would be soooo funny#I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE TMRW 12:30PM IT IS 10:49PM RN I HAVENT STARTED IT bc i was rotting sadly in bed#popped a ritalin pill tho so here we go x#i have found myself in a state of such sheer agony and rage and sorrow and grief over this girl that atp i feel like#its just so entertaining . like i feel vaguely over it? ik nothing will come of it so its like just . have fun . vibe
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i feel very. unstable i guess is the best word
#like. idk#drifting along sort of#some good stuff will happen and it will ground me#and then im alone for a bit and it all comes crashing down again#i can’t decide if i’m happy or sad or lonely or safe or stupid or what#i used to be defined by my stability. now i don’t even know what to do#but keep moving on#and maybe clean my room
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was (am?) in a (mentally) bad place for a few days and i tried a lot of ways to feel better but just couldn't— then i played genshin, got in my teapot, and got nahida to friendship level 4 and 🥹🥹🥹 //lowkey sagau
#hira rant#was so close to crying#i think im just#really sad? that im flying back to college#living on my own again#while all my friends are still here#they even have hangouts planned#beach trips and sleepovers#i also have cousins from abroad over#but im the one leaving earliest#while everyone is still here#it's back to lonely rooms and self cooking and sitting in cafes for hours#i dont have the guts to explore on my own either#i should try but it's still a little scary#when the language and environment is unfamiliar#but it's one of the best schools for my course#so ill bite my teeth and bare it#nahida
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just remembered theyre going to play the end live.....
#we ARE getting mcr again if only one more time#i wish i could go alksdhs but im too scared to go to wwwy all by myself as like. a lone traveler#id have to renew my passport and somehow afford a plane ticket and a room and a ticket to the actual festival#dreams..........#anyway another contusion my funeral jag youve made your conclusion just call me a fag
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૮꒰っ˕‹̥̥̥ ꒱ა i miss being owned
#i haven’t listen much here because genuinely it makes me feel more lonely and ive been contemplating deleting this account because i-#I haven’t posted* why did it auto to that#-started this for him and to ramble about him but now when everything happened i just feel hollow inside when i go on here#i just… miss being doted on and cared for#it’s embarrassing how much it helped me at the time. i struggle to take care of myself a lot but when i thought “owner will be happy if i-#-do this for him” about things like brushing my teeth regularly and taking good care of my skin and hair and showering etc#and honestly ever since that day i haven’t had the energy to clean my room or take care of myself#anyway. sorry I have not been doing well#reminds me I need a shower. i am also struggling with my relationship with sex again.#he helped it a lot but with my trust broken it’s now just as shaky as it once was and im also starting to see it as a form of SH again#which is very bad! very very bad#puppy barks#ftm nsft#pet pl@y#puppy sub#dumb puppy#pet pl4y#p3t play#mlm puppy#mlm kink
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oh my wooden krtek clock i got from vinted, we're really in it now
#just moved out of the place ive lived for the past 26 years#and yeah now i live like 20 minutes away#but nonetheless im feeling a bit sad and lonely#then again ive been feeling sad for the past few years so like what else is new#this place doesn't really feel like home yet but i figure if i managed to cry while leaving my ugly dorm room in prague after 4 months#and also cry while leaving the guesthouse on jeju we spent 4 nights in#ill manage to feel at home here too maybe#i feel my mental health is at the rock bottom so the only way left to go is up i guess
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im trying to come to terms with the fact that my friends like me
#this sounds so fake but i cannot describe how deep rooted my selfhatred is and ig i didnt notice how bad it got#they have stayed for years and years atp and its not like. trauma based or convenience or not wanting to be lonely.#they think im funny like thats insane to me and i am CONSTANTLY at war with my brain telling me that they hate me#or worse that they dont think about me at all#but they pop in my room or send me a cute pic and check in on me from states away and its so much#its so much love bitch it started crying typing this LMAO#this should be a journal entry but i cant be fucked to write rn#hi everyone thats struggling right now....goddamn keep going. there is light out here!!! i was in a deep dark tunnel for so long#and the funny thing is even if it all goes to shit and implodes i know i can survive and find peace again#okay maybe the meds are talking but i truly do believe in us (the meek)
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on one hand completely ignoring your emotions is soo good for my mental stability and productivity but man i miss staring at the ceiling and listening to sad songs on loop
#idk if depression is the right word but yeah that author was right you become comfortable in your sadness you start loving it because#it becomes such a defining part of you#if i don't engage in any bad habits throughout the day i start to feel so uncomfortable and wrong and unfamiliar#that i crash and do something old me would've done again :(#the bounce back time has significantly improved tho so that's a relief#also lol who am i kidding pms will come soon im sure#but anyway#i physically can't listen to waiting room rn i listened to the opening notes and it was like#like a dam about to burst#so i just closed the gate very fast#i can't be sad rn because then i will feel lonely and then i will miss people and they won't miss me and ill cry the gasping for breath#i don't know what to do with this emptiness in the middle of my chest crying#man i hope this doesn't have any long term consequences#also i hope one day being good feels like me again and rotting in bed becomes unbearable again#i used to be so active like not physically but idk just like engaged with life more#curiously excitedly#well there's no going back now but i do hope i find a good balance#i was reading normal people and kinda rerealised that woah this sadness will always be a huge part of me. you only get#one childhood and. welp it got too real too relatable#i hope i don't turn out like her every self help book ive read says kids follow in their parents footsteps but god i hope not#this is why boys will always be so scary to me#future seems so bleak sometimes like not my 20s they'll be fire im sure but after that. am i even capable of being loved long term?#if the person who knew me the most well can move on from me in a flash. well then. i don't have anything more to give this is all#what has this post even become oh god. whatever. ill keep trying to be smarter first interesting second hopefully lovable will follow
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playing with stickers is so funnnn!! 🪼🫧💿🛋️🩵
#visual diary#i don’t have that many pictures anymore bc i barely leave the house 🥲#want to take pictures of beautiful things again but im just in my room!#anyway weki meki you will always be famous !!!! and loved !!!!!#my favorite moment of these was borrowing that book that was last borrowed on 2009!! he was lonely there and it was so good!
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:'(
#I'm so lonely and it really really sucks#i can ignore it 80% of the time but im just so so lonely that nothing feels really genuinely ok and good#i miss my friends. i miss my community. i miss singing in chapel and hearing all the voices#and i just want to go spill my guts all over the floor of my friend's room and sort through them together#and cry and pray about it#and then go be ridiculous and unhinged and joyful#and i am so tired of knowing that the good things ive clawed my way into over the past 4 years are over forever and i cant go back#and yeah i still carry so much good with me#and yeah there qill be other good things#but I cant go back and have it all over again. and i miss it.#and it really hurts. and im lonely.
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ill never be good enough at anything
#vent#events of today only proved it#im genuinely so close to giving up completely#i dont feel happy when I draw because I know its not good enough and im ashamed when others see it because I know they think the same thing#I dont feel satisfied or accomplished when finishing schoolwork because I know others will have done it better and responded better and im#the stupidest person of the entire class. some things I just dont understand but I know everyone else or lots of others did#i cant do anything right. i cant socialize correctly. i cant remember to do anything. i cant keep any stable relationships#i know if i get a job they'll ly me off or fire me within days max weeks. i dont expect to be able to hold down a job for long#i dont have the skills necessary to become what I want to be which is a meteorologist. i struggle in math and that career is a lot of math#i actually want to be an artist too but ill die a lonely death. i cant even do this class. and artists are not paid enough to survive#hell what I do right now with art in my spare time is much worse than others. a mouse and microsoft paint. both arent good enough#i cant not compare myself to others. i know that they're all better than me. and im around these people every day and see it on social medi#i really want to put my art in our shredder and permanently delete files. i want to drop out. i dont know what to do with myself because i#know that im not good enough for anything except lay in bed like the depressed piece of shit i am and end up getting kicked out#i thought about just leaving class today and throwing myself down the stairwell from the top floor i was already on#just over the barrier thats right next to the first flight of stairs that prevents people from falling off the stairs from a height#the one you can look down and see the following flight of stairs. just throw myself down from that and hurt myself significantly.#ive been thinking about jumping again. from a new part of campus thats higher than where i initially wanted to fall from#if not those then sl!t my wrist or run into traffic#i just need to d!e. There's no room for someone as worthless as me#i cried when I came home today because im just done. i cant carry on and itd be better if i didnt. itd be preferred.
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last few hours in boston :(
#purrs#conference tag#we literally just got here and now we have to go 😭💔 i havent rly felt as enriched by this conference as i have in the past (though there’s#still 2 more sessions to go to incl the closing plenary and we’re getting lunch in the station before the train ride home) but ive walked#around so much and have spent time with people i love and some people i miss. and have been on adventures i have been looking forward to for#a rly long time though i am kinda bummed i never made it down to fanueil square. but… idk what happiness feels like anymore but maybe for me#it’s just absence of misery and despair. or contented ness. i have gotten a little triggered from time to time these last few days and ive b#been lonely in my hotel room but MAN it has been nice to not be miserable and suffering and to take walks and to not go to every session (ev#even though i do feel bad abt it like i missed 2 plenaries and an afternoon concurrent session which is more than i usually miss) and to#be in this city which feels so much like brighton and so uncity like in some ways. it’s so charming and omg i went to harvard and it was#NOTHING like what i imagined it to be / feel like.. just a quaint artsy quirky town. and the rest of the places ive been have been like that#too. and people LIVE here every day!!!!! there’s a big beautiful world here both above ground and below!!!! and im gonna be late to#breakfast but… i just feel nourished and healed in a way i wasn’t expecting to. I haven’t been this far away from home in 3+ years and#it’s just been really nice being somewhere else and going on adventures and seeing things surviving. i miss my grandparents a lot and im sad#to not be visiting them and to be unable to visit them now lol but it’s just rly nice and special being here. im goingto miss it so much and#im trying to savor every second. i wish we had one more day here and im a little sad to be going home lol#* what i meant when talking about happiness earlier is that i think… i have been happy these last few days. for the first time in a really#really long one. and that’s nice. it’s good to be happy again. and good to be here
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fellas i can't believe im saying it but i started considering going home for the weekend
#parents were annoying but at least i could study in peace#my best friend here just said that when i circle around the room it makes her anxious and annoyed so i have to stop because she can't focus#on the fanfiction she's reading#girl i can't focus on this 12 pages long text written in in font 7 if i don't walk for a bit#on top of that i cleaned the room and the kitchen today again#considered not doing that but I wouldn't have clean dishes otherwise so didn't really have a choice jdhdhr#another friend said that rommating gets better with time and i sincerely hope so lmao#otherwise I'll probably drop dead here within next three months#haven't eaten anything today except for a bowl of fried vegetables in the evening due to anxiety so if it keeps going on i don't see#the future too brightly jahdbdhd#at least at home i had my cat#really missing her here ngl#what's funny is that im in the same room with another person almost all the time but feel more lonely than when i had a room alone
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can i ask how anyone failed to recognize glennis in these promos. with those knees.
hands
legs
and.
tits.
#i mean like... in the 7 or so min long paranornal activity parody promo. even far away his mannerisms are enough to recognize him#and obviously in the tent promo specifically you can CLEARLY hear its glenn's voice when he gets startled#BUT CMON. THERES NO WAY. PEOPLE ARE SERIOUSLY QUESTIONING IT IN THE COMMENTS EVEN STILL#also i. its 5am. so im not gonna fuckin touch it just yet. but my god these promos.#i cant believe they actually went and did it.#'it' being subverting expectations with the serial killer angle and instead making him the one who's afraid of everything around him#wearing a mask and chasing the gang around not because hes trying to kill them#but because theyre actively ignoring him. and he's lonely. and bored. and is just trying to hang out with them again.#not gonna get into it not gonna get into it not g#ada speaks#sunny the 13th#also im fucking obsessed with him. hes so. he's sooooo. so fucking pathetic in these promos.#scooting the office chair across the room. sitting in the booth alone like that fucking spongebob gif.#running into the bathroom when he gets spooked by a chair moving... getting scared by the jukebox turning on. and fucking yelping.
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just barely holding back from screaming at my roommate and girlfriend for the smallest pettiest non-transgression (no one unloaded the dishwasher or took out the trash while i was at work) #bpdbaddie
#i forgot what my vent posting tag was#battery acid suffering#there we gp#i just want to draw but everything i draw is shit and i have a bajillion chores to do as always#and then i want to kill myself but then im like no i dont. im just tired and upset and lonely#i need a good good cry again#cry on my living room floor#rhat i still need to vacuum like ive been planning to all week#..all past two weeks
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