#and im like. bitch i am not the same person as i was yesterday i do not remember

[0mysteiarchives]

One-Time Collaboration..? • Idol!Reader x Robin

A/N: somewhat modern au??? I mean robin just works under a company and thats it also unfortunately no Sunday mention i'm sorry gang but I swear I am a loyal wife with my 160+ pulls for these two- warnings: a closed off and slightly oblivious reader that adapted to their environment , random fluff from an op who just dropped angst yesterday , somewhat?? affectionate robin in your area , and a RUSHED ASS WORK-

• So your manager called in the middle of your practice session and explained that you’ll be having a collaboration with Pena.Co’s precious angel: Robin. She actually debuted 4 months after you did, and in all honesty she's definitely surpassed you with her amazing voice. And with a pretty face like hers, everyone talked about her .

• Just like they reacted with your debut.

• You thought that she’d be another like those idols you had worked with who put on a loving and lively attitude to their fans, and be an absolute bitch off stage when no ones watching. That’s how everything works in this industry after all, everyone just wants the money and attention.

• So the first time you met you merely gave dry responses, you didn’t mean to be rude but you just wanted this over with. Any questions she asked was met with one word or sentence.

Obviously your management didn’t like that attitude. Oh well.

• Yet somehow that didn’t stop Robin from trying to talk to you. She doesn’t seem bothered at the fact that you’re trying to push her away, and you could feel the eagerness to have a proper conversation.

...why???

• You pretty much gave up ignoring the idol and finally decided to talk to her properly as you turned around to face her and give your name, eventually you two became close friends.

• Sorry, did I say close? I meant reeeaaallly, really close.

• In a span of 3 weeks, Robin seems to be quite open to complimenting you. You'd be practicing your choreo or vocals and she'll be showering you with compliments that would leave you a flustered mess.

• In the next month, she invites you to small things that you're interested in. A certain movie you wanted to watch? She'll ask you to join her to watch it in a VIP area. A new restaurant that peaked your interest recently? Consider a room for just the two of you reserved. What a nice friend!

• How does she excuse these peaceful, romantical moments of being in each other's prescence without interruption from rabid fans or thirdwheeling staff? Just a personal hangout between two idols to know about each other more!

• But if it's just a hangout..why do you feel your heart beating faster when places her hand on yours? When she gives you a sweet smile that's only for you? When she wraps her arms around your waist to engulf you into a surprise hug? When-

• ..Ok bro I think you're in love, just saying.

• ..Oh shit you're in love with Penacony's rising idol.

• ...Good taste.

• Now this can go two ways: You silently accept that Robin might never reciprocate your feelings, or you confront her about it and reach a conclusion you've fallen for her charm.

• Oh wow! It turns out she requested to have a partnership with you because she fell in love at first sight since your first appearance on the stage. She followed your footsteps and tried to get closer and hoped you'd feel the same way about her.

• Whilst Robin was rambling and basically confessing her mutual love for you with red cheeks and held your hands gently, you just stared into her eyes.

• That's kinda cute...

• Wait what was that last part?— —

A/N: guys ik its rushed im sorry its like 1 am rn usiadfsdlkji

Btw there's going to be a pt 2 and here's some future works soon: -HoV!Reader meeting HSR!Himeko -Found Family with the Nameless -Modern AU Skating // Sparkle , Acheron , Robin , Sunday , Firefly , Adventurine -Guardian Angel!Robin and Sunday x reader -Genshin!Reader sent to the hsr universe -Streamer!AU // Adventurine , Sunday , Sparkle Shii that's kinda alot ermmmm... idc anymore goodnight gang :sob:

[itsrlymine]

hi again it's 🧷!

the last 24 hours have been a whirlwind. i laughed. i cried. i peed myself. but im a person who likes a little journey. i've been affirming my ass off bc that's what works for me and i'm already feeling so much more control and better about myself. so thank u for the reality check.

also i have some successes....

yesterday, i thought i had a uti bc a girl keeps drinking apple cider cocktails i fear. it's just too good and it’s the holidays. 😫😭 but i kept telling myself i don't have one bc no way am i dealing with antibiotics (and no me time) for 2 weeks. and when i went to urgent care bc i still was a bit anxious in the 3D yk how it is. but guess WHAT. I WAS NEGATIVE 🤩. so that was cool. and they gave me stickers even though im like 20 which was very sweet LOL.

also today, i manifested that the type of pasta i needed for thanksgiving wasn't gone. bc if ur on tiktok and you've seen tini's mac and cheese recipe. the stores r sold OUT of cellentani shaped pasta... and i live in a big city.... so i made my sister go out and get 2 boxes on her way home from her rural ass college and she texts me like "hey you'll never believe this there were 2 boxes left all the way at the back of the shelf where no one would see them" and i was like😮‼️

but omg i'm like. wow!!! yay!!! all it took was a decision!!! i'm still learning to trust myself but i'm never turning back again. i'm embracing my title as queen god boss bitch of reality, and that even when i have off days it doesn’t mean bad things bc shit always works in my favor no matter what!!

All it takes is a decision!!!!! Yes babe like wtf lke this is so easy for you bc it is you!!! I love these successes of yours babe. You better keep drinking them apple cider cocktails. Lemme get one rq actually.

Health, appearance, food, getting people to do what you want.... All these "types" of manifestations are easy bc they are all the same!! There is only one way to get what you want and that is by accepting you have it. period.

This is amazing and I'm so proud of you babe!!!

[aguineapigcouldntdothis]

tw for irresponsible usage of prescription drugs, addiction, and slight references to suicide

do not do what I do! this is not advice. step away from the substances addiction will not save you. they did not save me and this is not fun

anyway yesterday was the 4 year anniversary of the worst day of my entire life which obviously gave me a ton of ptsd and is what directly caused many of my other almost as bad days. it was absolutely life altering in the most horrific way possible and if anything worse than that happens im not sure what id do.

I always have a lot of nightmares going to sleep on this night so I was originally going to drink, but then I remembered the only alcohol I have is cooking wine and that doesnt taste good unless its used for its actual purpose. which is cooking. and then I was gonna smoke but that requires driving to a spot where I can be alone which I didnt feel like doing. plus I need to really cut down to once a week because I'm on testosterone and ive smoked the past like 3 days.

so I have made the knowingly stupid decision to go so so fucking hard on the sleeping pills. not a suicidal amount, just enough that it is definitely not safe and not recommended. I am hoping that it'll either put me such a deep sleep that I dont dream at all or give me such vivid dreams that they dont bear any relation to the trauma im avoiding. the only reason I feel like I can do this without ODing is I spent a few months abusing prescription medication for funsies. didnt even rely on it for anything and I could function just fine I just liked seeing how they combined and how much I could take. got bored of it pretty fast.

anyway this is absolutely not a smart decision do not copy this i am an unhealthy person with bad coping mechanisms who regularly uses substances to cope. I also have done enough substances that I am extremely aware of my limits. if this works I am schrödinger's idiot. both a genius and the dumbest man alive at the same time.

there's always a risk so if I dont wake up tomorrow then oh well! if I die it isn't a suicide and I wasn't killed its just sort of something that happened

also if youre gonna bitch about me making bad decisions with drugs I will block you. addict does addict shit. fork found in kitchen. hay found in guinea pig enclosure. you get the point.

[rarepairnation]

6, 13 and 22 for the ask game?

hi friend!!! thank u for sending these<3 i was gonna ask you if you wanted to send different questions bc there’s a couple repeats from the last ask but then i came up with new answers. if you still wanna send diff ones though i will answer them as well

6. which ship fans are the most annoying

ACTUALLY LMFAO I LIED IN THE LAST ONE. i think (hope?) you’ll find this one funny lol well the 0.5 people in the denethorongil ao3 tag who are just there for crack. girl the psychic situationship. that is so fucking interesting. this is like the reverse answer. which ship NON fans are the most annoying. Anyway. i think it just pisses me off whenever a dynamic that could be so thematically (and dramatically) intriguing gets dismissed or made into a joke bc like. come on is that the best we can do? perhaps i just frequently lack a sense of humour about this kind of thing. or maybe people mostly are not funny…who can say.

13. worst blorbofication…TWO!

now is my time to SHINE baby….little pathetic baby faramir is SUCH a textbook fucking case of blorbofication. that shit is ridiculous. yeah the idea of a punching bag dad to take shit out on and/or guy bending over backwards just for his dad's approval appeals to you. unrelatedly how is your relationship with your dad. but i swear to god i KNOW that there are other characters out there that fit this archetype better. there are PLENTY of sad little people pleasers out there. dont take one of the greatest bitchest craziest men in the whole wide green world and make him your little crybaby. if you read the denethor faramir relationship as abusive you gotta also understand that he is right there punching back at it all. goddamn. he had gone on the orders of the lord of the city indeed. peter jackson im gonna fucking get you. this is a guy that first blamed his brothers death on their father and THEN promptly forced said father to order him to his probable death for the sake of his own moral code he has never once laid down and taken it in his LIFE. he’s been arguing back since he was like seven years old or something. in MANY THINGS he displeased his father! he is not a doormat he is a motherfucking doorstop and he WILL make it your problem! also i don’t have anywhere else to put this opinion so it’s gonna go here. it hit me sometime yesterday that the desperate-to-please faramir narrative almost works better with canon denethor. i mean film faramir is a totally different guy so like im not even sure if he would have the same history with his father but like just bear with me here. if he knows that his father trusts him as a commander and yet cannot (seem to express, although failing to express for long enough is basically equivalent) love him as a son…that he has memories of… actually just kidding this doesn’t fucking work at all. because the POINT of it all is that denethor and faramir are the same until they’re not. sly and tactical and cunning and so so so numenorean that elros tar-minyatur would WEEP. while i think film faramir and book denethor are - if not diametric opposites, at least not. so similar. i mean peter jackson literally blorbified him himself. here is my new guy with maybe one of his key traits preserved. man when i reblog a film faramir gif im just imagining book faramir’s personality. i hope you all understand this. i just. i DO love david wenham’s faramir face. he put so so so much 100% home grown bitch energy into the capturing frodo and sam scene faramir and i am simply imagining him translating all that onto "on one occasion at least your counsel has prevailed, not long ago. it was the lord of the city that gave the errand to him." now THAT…oh captain my captain. do you get it

22. your favourite part of canon that everyone else ignores

on one occasion at least your counsel has prevailed not long ago/stir not the bitterness in the cup i poured for myself. people LOOOVE you wish now that our places had been exchanged but read two more lines girlypop IT GETS BETTER. i mean people smarter than me have figured it out already but "restraint"…the idea of faramir having been holding this back for a long time. perhaps even since he first realized boromir was dead and thinking oh. oh, father sent him, or agreed to let him go, or however it went down, and now he is dead and it is father's fault. jesus christ that makes me crazy. and denethor basically saying what else do you think i have been thinking about for weeks. do you dare to think this is new news to me im not the heartless bitch you think i am. of course i blame myself. ARE YOU KIDDING? this is like the entire dynamic contained in two lines of dialogue. i had a runner-up answer but im too sleepy to write it all out but ill tell you what it is and its how WEIRD denethor and faramir are. theyre so weird you guys. i am psychic and prophetic and i WILL make it your problem.

[thegeminisage]

tng update time, brief because i am BUSY. two nights ago we caught "contagion" together, yesterday i watched "the royale" on my own, and just now i finished "time squared."

contagion: don't know why this one was recced by so amny people because it was VERY boring. because it had romulans in it? it's not even unwatchably bad or anything, i just...didn't care

did like that the romulan commander was a woman though. just like the enterprise incident. where's spock when you need him

the archaeology angle was stupid. "oooh i have to go i've been studying them since i was a lad" you literally do not have to go "well china was thought to be only a myth until marco polo traveled there" bitch, not to the fucking chinese. get a grip.

the fakeout data death...girl we know he's going to be fine! i did like him throwing geordi around though he made the little faces <3 and i was very proud of him for continuing to work when he had a little computer virus. aw. maybe less glad that picard didn't give him any extra priase for doing so but whatever we can't have high expectations for this ep

anyway it was all just very overly contrived. and i was bored.

the royale: this had a great setup because i love when star trek talks about nasa. that made me really excited for what turned out to ultimately be a holodeck episode

played this one on 2x speed genuinely (my deepest dishonor - bad ones get 1.25x, really bad ones get 1.5x, and horrible ones alone get 2x speed)

like, if you changed it a little, you could say the holodeck is broken and won't let you out until you pretend to be investors and win big in the casino! it's the same thing. i guess they didn't want people thinking the holodeck was dangerous and unreliable, which it is

anyway, i liked data blowing on the dice. that was all though

time squared: this one blew my tits clean off. amazing. 10/10. it's like the immunity syndrome, enemy within, and doomsday machine had a time traveling baby

there is like a little bit of time travel technobabble that makes no sense whatsoever. and i did get the final twist spoiled for me. but it doesn't MATTER. neither of those things mattered because i was still sitting there with my jaw on the ground after the end

like, one website called this one confusing. sure yeah a little bit. they were playing very fast and loose with both their own rules established in the episode and the greater rules of the franchise as a whole. but the point is the character arc

like. picard sees himself make a decision that will destroy his ship. he sees himself fail utterly to do everything he holds sacred - he did not even GO DOWN with his ship. he is facing a matt decker doomsday machine of a situation. remember when kirk pitied matt decker because he saw his whole crew die and was helpless to stop it but was also a little put off by him because he couldn't possibly imagine himself in that situation? but with picard IT IS himself. it's green shirt john crichton and black shirt john crichton. they're BOTH the real picard but one of them has been through something unimaginably horrible

AND WHEN THAT PICARD. ENDANGERS THE SHIP. like. IN COLD BLOOD our picard chooses to kill him. and in my personal interpretation he thinks of it as mercy. but like he still shot him while looking directly at him and NO ONE knows what he did because he DIDNT TELL THEM except he called the fucking doctor for some reason

like at the end he's just staring out of a window. and riker is like hi im here to let you talk about it! and picard doesn't talk about it and riker goes away and in the end he is just staring out of the fucking window and they just ROLL CREDITS a real "anyway! these are the voyages of the starship enterprise" of a situation aka what i always loved about tos episodes (honorific)

i THINK this is a cross-section of drag me to hell and there was no laugh track but further contemplation required. straight banger i fucking loved it

i still have to do "the icaurs factor" and "pen pals" alone, but then we get to do "q who" together WHICH IS THE BORG EPISODE i cannot wait. nobody tell me ANYTHING.

[hekaates]

open letter to ems (part ii) — @officialjimmybuffet

Hey bitch. Happy birthday

First time it’s just a letter, second it’s a pattern, how long until it counts as tradition?

Maybe it’s weird but I started to write this letter on December 13th, 2022. 179 days until your birthday but I felt the need to start writing this, felt the need to put my sentiments into words.

Yesterday I sent you 18 audios, several minutes each of course, explaining you in deep detail the plot of the first Avatar movie. I watched it alone after my mom went to sleep and to be frank Im kind of glad she did or else she’ll catch me crying over the scenery of a planet that doesn’t exist, from a movie that I’m pretty sure doesn’t pass the Belchdel test (update: it does not, everything is about Jake Sully and his terrible habits). It’s sitting in the bathroom floor all alone, waiting for people to stop screaming at each other that makes me realize how much I needed you in my life, how much I need, and will need someone who understands and compliments (as in complementary) me as well as you do. I like Avatar because I’m insane, but also because I see someone so lost and so insane in their own world they have to go literally to another planet to find a home, because somehow they do and I think, fuck maybe I could to. Looking back at it, the fact Jakes best friend is a short haired ginger scientist (healthcare science is a science right?) might make it even more close to home. (I hope in the end of this story, I don’t turn blue and you die and come back reincarnated as my daughter, but if you do it’d be hilarious and pretty on brand for us).

Everytime I remember you exist I am no longer alone. One time we were talking about the saints (this phrase in itself explains our relationship better than any other thing I can say here) and we said: I’d pick your saint if you pick mine. I remember the first time I wrote it, I looked at the screen, I looked at me and I looked at you (the only way I can, deep inside my mind) and I realize that with no other person this sentiment would make sense, no other person could I send a message at 22h explaining the in-depth history of Brazilian reality shows and make it so that I’m not insane or annoying or terrible, no other person would I search the deep webs of Wikipedia to find out what Saint was killed on June 10 (ps. It’s Saint Olivia, that’s my sisters name).

Saint Emma is the keeper of pharmacy, Saint Luisa the keeper of grief, somewhere along the lines God made it so we can meet and this would make a little bit too much sense.

I want to thank you for always holding my hand, even if have never touched, even if we never do. Times passed, I forget to write and now your birthday is in 4 days and now it is in 2 days and I find myself plagued by a loneliness only you can fill (I think this is the gayest sentence I’ve ever wrote and that’s saying something). Right now I look at the sun and it’s 4pm here so it means that in the other side of the world it’s 3pm and you are looking at the same sun, as the sunlight burns the right side of my face I can’t help but wonder if right now, in the other side of the hemisphere, it burns the left side of your face, that in the sunlight our faces meet and become one (again, really going for the gayness vibe rn).

The only future I am content with is the one I have you by my side, it’s the one I can call you to spend christmas with my family be it next to a British young star celebrity or not (but like if god wants him to spend several christmases with me then like I can’t say no right that’s on God not me right anyways I’m getting of track-) In the good ending it’s Christmas afternoon and I’m sitting by the pool showing you how to open an earl fruit or a persimmon while my siblings play with the speaker. In the good ending we’re in a club in New Jersey and I have no idea how to order a drink, in the good ending, when the movie is about to be done I grab your hand and say “hey.”

So, yeah.

Hey.

[junglehomo]

they follow me just to do the same things moan and yell gay

they are a very disturbed family

they used 3 cars yesterday to follow me to the gym

and they literally help each other masturbate to me they tried to triangulate

but theyre so high on crack and meth they were literally yelling in front of others

like so sick

their sister scream at me

while they fuck in the car next to them ........

and another car in another corner doing the same or screaming at me

and they took turns

really really mentally fucked and i still dont care

theyre hideous

maybe theyre mad they cant do it at home anymore and have to go outside and be extra loud

this is how mentally unstable they are

they just cant let it go

they cant let go of their goal to weirdly obsess with blocking my love life or anything

theyre freaks

did nothing to them dont know them personally at all

and this what they do

just because theyre desperate for attention

meanwhile I'm by myself the whole time for years actually

while these people bullied harrassed and masturbated to me peeped on me filmed me broke into my car and home all together as a unit

disgusting

while i was unsuspecting and by myself

my internet base being my only "friends" and i dont even talk to them outside of doing my job

these people are sick and evil and they will do anything to keep being creeps

even if it means changing their personality all bipolar and pretending they didnt mean it

or finally acting like adults after over 5 years

they'll do it just to triangulate me harder and scream and be more perverted

they want to trigger my traumas as they have the last years

i wasnt able to have sex because of them

can you imagine you go thru a traumafic break up and your NIEGHBORS you never met before just scream at you and fuck at you nonstop and then call you gay nonstop and invite all their friends to fuck to you too and scream at you every waking moment of your life even when youre asleep even when youre dead

finally after years i was able to even wafch content of it

even tv shows about sex upset me for a while and still do

because of them forcing me to hear them

and then when i finally got comfortable to be around men thats when this haggard pyscho rapist bitch and her pedo sisters and brothers

decided to try to force me to be ashamed of my own sexuality ..... because they couldnt make me uncomfortable with being around gays

so they berated me for the last entire 2024 to now with "GAY GAY GAY"

nonstop homophobia nazi shit

followed me to the gay bar

harrassed me and anyone in the city they saw high on their meth being public pieces of shit making sure noone felt safe

theyre so entitled they screamed at everyone in san francisco

they even scream gay at me when i talk to women or women look at me they get really jealous and ugly

because they treated me ugly when i was fat and broke before they laughed at me so much and i didnt even know them

now it bothers their ugly racist eyes to see any women or men be interested in me at all

it's like idk it reminds them of the old days that they want to stay in it's pathetic

now theyre washed up drug addicts

they wished that on me

they dont want anyone to give me a chance and have always done that

tell every woman im gay

tell every man im actually straight or some bs or bully him too pay him off

im bi and i dont care

and whenever i leave here i am so happy and people are normal

but in this town with these neighbors and basement squatters

it's just opposite land

they punish me and ridicule me for working out

and NOT smoking meth and crack lol....

they scream at me for smoking WEED.

but they smoke crack literally.... they dont even sleep or eat normal............

this place has been so confusing and retarded to me and i stopped caring and investing lol

i was investing in an empty shell that was never meant to be full

🤷‍♂️🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣💀🐎🐎💪🏽🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎

[aheartunseen]

I stumbled upon kasie’s recognition as she got an award for our branch having one of the most decrease in a 6 month period (mainly when I was working my ass off in 2 months of Oct-Nov) and it showed how much she got as a bonus bc of that — $2500.

And I LOOOOVE how she failed to mention this to me or the team in general. She’s a fucking sneaky little snake bitch who is out for no one but herself. I feel like doing the bare minimum again today and frankly I am SO SO over it. I’m so tired of this fucking place— of my shit boss who doesn’t appreciate shit and I can’t even get a damn thank you. I’m so tired of HAVING SOME OF THESE ACCOUNT MANAGERS NOT FOCUS ON THEIR ACCOUNTS WHEN IT COMES TO THEIR ACCOUNTING. Like JUST BC YOURE NOT IN ACCOUNTING DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE NOT REQUIRED TO MANAGE THE ACCOUNTING SIDE OF IT. FUCKING JVAUGHN SUCKS AT ADDRESSING SHIT. She might be a good sales person BUT SHE SUCKS AT MANAGING ISSUES WHEN IT COMES TO ACCOUNTING AND FRANKLY IM SICK AND TIRED OF HAVING TO REMIND HER ABOUT THE SAME ISSUES IN OUR ONE ON ONE MEETINGS. I SHOULDNT HAVE TO WHEN SHE HAS BEEN HERE FOR LIKE 15 YEARS WTF. THEN KRISTI IS JUST SO FUCKING SLOW TO ADDRESS SHIT BUT SHES JUST SLOW IN GENERAL SO IDEK, she doesn’t suck as much as jvaughn but still. ALICIA BARELY KNOWS HOW TO RESOLVE DISPUTES AND ITS LIKE FUCK ALICIA THIS IS YOUR ACCOUNT YOY GET PAID MORE THAN ME GO DO YOUR JOB, handling disputes IS NOT UNDER MY PURVIEW. I AM NOT AN ACCOUNT MANAGER. I DO NOT HANDLE DISPUTES JUST BC ITS REGARDING invoices. THEN ALEX ISNT EVEN HERE AND ALL OF HER ACCOUNTS ARE A HOT MESS. And it’s like what the actual fuck. IDC IF YOU GUYS ARE STRETCHED THIN. THIS IS WHAT YOU GUYS ARE GETTING PAID FOR AND YOU GUYS GET PAID MORE THAN ME SO FUCKING STOP BITCHING? I’m SO SO tired of the unprofessionallism, the incompetence, I’m TIRED OF HAVING TO REPEAT MYSELF WITH DUMB ASS JVAUGHN. I’m tired of KRISTIS SLOW ASS. IM TIRED THE ALICIA BEING INCOMPETENT TO TALK TO **HER** CUSTOMERS ABOUT DISPUTES.

IM TIRED THAT I DONT FEEL COMFORTABLE ENOUGH TO TELL THIS ALL TO KASIE BC FOR SOME REASON SHE WANTS TO BE “IN” W THE AMS INSTEAD OF BEING A FUCKING LEADER

And she IS ALSO SO UNPROFESSIONAL AS WELL SAYING SHE DOESNT LIKE SOME OF THE PEOPLE SHE was cutring the bread with YESTERDAY. Like ok, THAT MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE AF TO BE EVEN AROUND YOU BC I FEEL LIKE THAT MIGHT BE A DISS TO ME AND IM ALSO ANNOYED THAT SHE SUCKS AS A MANAGER.

For fuck sakes FUCK THISSSSS

[atlaskrr]

im scared im phasing into a depressive phase AGAIN. i dont wanna go back to when i couldnt even brush my teeth and sat on a window contemplating every day but it feels like i might. things are better but everything still feels so weird. yeah i have friends now but im just kind of there. i realize that my voice is just never loud enough. whenever i try and speak up or voice something not just to friends but in general nobody hears or listens to me i feel like i did when i was a kid again. and then someone else says what i said and theyre seen, people listen. worst part is its also my other friends so i just feel shitty of beung envious of them. i see people whove spent less time on their skills and just why are they so much better than me. i just realize how the person i click with best has their own friend group and then in my friend group my 2 friends click better together than i do with them so what am i then. and i have no mativation to do anything these days, nothing of worth anyways. so when im there and theyre talking its like im invisible and maybe i should just start talking and i try but sometimes nobody hears me and i dont feel like trying again in case they did but just didnt react or cause i didnt want to disturb their time with others or maybe i didnt speak up at all in the first place cause i feel so empty and tired which sounds so cringe amiright but how tf else do i describe it. i just want someone to ask me something or try and get me included why do i always have to take innitiative or question if somethings an open invite. thats just friends. at home my dad had an outburts, bruised my brother, and made my mom feel useless recently. then he starts acting all nice and ik hes just trying i mean his family are a bunch of trash but i just cant anymore. i feel like im the one breaking thw family apart now by being angry and spiteful and distant and i feel like im becoming my dad and the thought makes me want to throw up. but whenever i see myself acting nice to him because hes being nice it makes me want to throw up too because hes part of the reason my moms depressed. and i realize i dont even know who i am or what i want i lack the direction or long standing passions everyone else does. the only consistent thing i have is writing but i dont write a lot like other writers and nobody cares for it its not that impressive. ive managed to tone done my old tendency to tell small lies to seem like im so simillar to other people but its still there so in reality nobody really sees the true me (great im sounding cringe again but once again cannot find the words) i think thats why i love rp and writing sm because i can be someone with a set mould and identity. meanwhile im a walking contradiction with blurred lines. i think if i dissappeared people would be sad for a bit but theyd move on faster than youd think. it wouldnt be hard to go back to normal because i wasnt much part of it. maybe my parents would be the saddest but theyd be happier after no. worst part is i often put my emotional burden onto my friends and i feel like the shittiest person for venting so i think theyre nice out of pity. sometimes i exaggerate my problems so others feel more pity, so even if its not genuine ill feel like people care for me but at the same time i cant tell when im exaggerating or not. its more like leaving it vauge so i dont seem like the ungrateful bitch i am. cause my life isnt as bad as others so why am i crying and complaining. i come from a rich family with parents who are home more than other families. my parents are not pressureful and they are nice and i just lash out. i cant tell whats the truth of that situation anymore if im frank. i have a good amount of friends and a group, i have people to text and call. yet why do i still feel like this? i was just feeling happy yesterday. i really dont get it.

[mattslolita]

https://www.tumblr.com/mattslolita/749963365648154624/story-timeeee-so-when-i-was-10-this-boy-moved-to

OFCC! <3

AND I WOULD NEVERRR MAKE A MOVE FIRST IM A PUSSY LMFAO

he also told me to stand on the other side of the pavement (sidewalk for u americans 😘) so i dont get killed by a car LOL

AND UPDATEEEE

so since like the start of may hes been super ill like sore throat, cough and shit like that yk. yesterday he had a blood test done to see if hes like dying or smth 😭

ANYWAY MAIN PART!

today i woke up feeling like i cba to turn up to schl (i never can but YK) AND he also didnt go which was a crazy coincidence. i msgd him asking if he was alright and told him i wasnt gonna be in. he said same cuz he feels dead and instead told me to come round.

and we were sitting on his bed against the head board when he said hes rly tired then he decided to lean against my shoulder.😚BITCH FELL ASLEEP! FOR LIKE AN HOUR ASWEL BRO! he woke up cuz his mum knocked on the door telling us she made us lunch (i love her) he went to the toilet and i came downstairs and she said to me that she thought i was a nice person and how shes happy her son didnt bring home a "little bitch" 🤣🤣

we ate then went back to his room for like an hour listening to music (he likes lil tjay 🥹) and talking abt stuff. his mates were calling us for like 5 minutes and they kept screaming shit like 'he loves u' , 'get tgthr already' then when i had to go he told me we should do baking next time when hes better. he also said i looked pretty today (screaming 🥵)

SIDENOTE-

this girl was telling me that i snitched on her to some girl abt the fact she was talking shit abt her?? LIKE IM SORRY HOW AM I THE PROBLEM IN THIS LMAO!? u talk shit abt someone im gonna tell them (depends on the situation but this bitch is 2 faced so she pretends she likes the other girl when in reality she hates her)

i iterally told her to calm tf down and that she was the issue here and not me cuz wdym im in the wrong for telling someone u were talking shit?🥱 it wasnt even just like 'oh shes ugly', 'oh she has no friends' it was like personal shit that DID NOT NEED TO MADE KNOWN TO HALF THE FUCKING WORLD now, so whys she telling everyone like its any of her buisness!! i HATEEEE ppl like that it makes me CRAZY!!

OH EM GEEEEEE HE SO WANTS U CAUSE HE DIDNT DENY LIKING YOU WHEN HIS FRIENDS WERE SAYING IT !!

and as for the girl, you did the right thing telling people she was talking shit, bc it sucks being friends w someone & whole time they sneak dissing behind ur back & you don't know it !!

KEEP ME UPDATED W THE GUY !!

[whatsupwither]

#9 It.Got.Worse. :D

It's been a while but trust me when I say things didn't get better. After the whole Ian thing I actually didn't really stop talking with him. I just decided to stop starting our messages. ofc that didn't stop him. He decided to get things steamier again but this time I decided to just tell him how I feel about it. He was okay with it and I was hoping this would make him stop talking to me, well he still does for a while. I thought I should just let it be as it is. I had a meet up with an old childhood friend and decided to tell him about Ian. These were his exact words to me: "You Dumb Fucking Bitch... I'm sorry... But did you really lose your head because you're attracted to him?" I never wanted to scream before. Turns out you can actually screen record ig pictures and videos wihtout the other person finding out. He probably did and did everything I said he would. FUCK FUCK FUCKKKKK!!!!

That's when I decided to just kick him out of my life basically. I'm done with him. It doesn't help that my cat, has been with me for 11 years, is dying. I honestly would love to just call Ian and talk and vent but he can go fuck himself. I've been crying everyday now and it got to the point where people are telling me that I look very tired at practice.

Jeremy is back btw. turns out he is not away for good (which I kinda hope he will). We rolled here and then but yesterday, i was again just the two of us in the elevator and we have our usual banter and right before we go on our ways, he sort of egged on me for not being nice on the elevator, so I decided to say something nice and thought fuck it might as well tell him a bit of how I feel so I told him that I actually sometimes wanna kiss him. and I left immediately after HAHA. I regret saying it. I should've said somethign extra mean and tell him thats the nicest he's gonna get.

Well turns out its mutual because he dmed that night and told me he felt the same way. we continued talking for a bit and I told him about when he invited me over and how I wanted to kiss him then and we both sort of decided during our chat it was for the best we both dont try anything.

I'll be avoiding him for awhile now. and when we do meet, I'm definitely gonna pretend like nothing happen and just give him as much as a cold shoulder as I possibly can. It's not because I don't like him, its to keep things less awkward and more friendly ig. He had the audacity to mention how he'll break my heart and everything... cute. very cute. I'm attracted to him, sure, but I don't like him that way. I can't even imagine myself with him nor do I have the desire to have a future with him. I'm not afraid to say that yes, I wanna do more than kiss him, and I am not at all concerned about liking him but I am about being awkward right after or ruining what we already have. I don't think Im a casual relationship type of person either, I wouldn't feel comfortable moving forward like that so probably best to keep things the way it is. I do feel better now with where we are because we've talked and pretty much agreed its whats best.

Wish me luck.

[082112]

I told Nirali today that I decided to leave Outer Coast.

Context: for the past week or two I’ve been having horrible anxiety and it’s brought up all these horrible things inside me. I was afraid I was socially deficient and that I was vain and unimportant and had something wrong with me and would be consigned to a life of being secondary and being lonely, and perceived even normal activities or coincidences as slights against me from people or from the universe. I wanted to leave, and I told my parents and all my friends back home. I’ve been quite short and terse in classes this entire week to all my teachers. Yesterday after crying in front of Nirali admitting just a tiny fraction of this, I called home and then typed out a long rant while crying, lying perfectly horizontal facing the wall in my bed, until my literal eyeballs hurt. I showed up 5 minutes late to SB meeting clearly having bawled out my eyes too. Some excerpts from said rant:

gonna drop out of this microcollege because it’s actually been destroying my mental health and self image for the past few weeks

and i’m constantly convinced something is wrong with me socially

how violently angry and petulant my reaction [to being extended an offer to connect and spend time together with a teacher] was is a clear sign i’m not okay and clearly have some unmitigated issues. but every experience of someone else in my cohort having friends or a good time seems to me like clear evidence that i’m a social failure who isn’t strong enough to see what i do through (re: dropping out) and is cowardly enough to run away from things instead of actually confronting them

like. what if there’s something wrong with me and everyone that has loved me and chose to know me, ever, is because i got lucky

and the reasons i keep telling myself to stay are “i need a transcript from this microcollege so grad schools can see im not bumming around” “maybe my teacher here can write me a good letter of rec for grad school” “how am i gonna explain this to the x scholarship committee that my character and personal failings were so great I dropped out of something I intentionally walked into and was so excited for and told all my friends about when in fact I just acted like a huge petty loser at the end and ran away”

and my god. what if someone at this place saw through all the pleasant smiles and intellect and reflexive laughter and they saw the jealousy and insecurity and anger and fear. wouldn’t that be horrible?

I also texted Sun and Huitzilin about how I wanted to leave. Huitzilin actually told me about their experience too, which reinforced my decision, and I think by the end of the night I had made up my mind I was going to go.

Conversation excerpts from me, there:

Ugh. Is it crazy to feel like you’re losing your personhood? I feel like I should be experiencing the opposite at a place where we’re supposed to be learning radical new ways of understanding the world. But I keep on feeling like the opposite where I’m just a body with obligations to “community partners” and “class” instead of an actual conviction to do these things. And I was so excited originally too!

I also feel mildly insane for the thoughts of like “but no transcript?” (Said in the tone of no bitches? no head?) and like “if I only stayed for 10wks it doesn’t seem impressive enough as a full semester” and “what if everyone learns something life changing the day I leave and I am the only one who was left out on the Forbidden Mysterious knowledge” and shit 📲💁🏻‍♀️🤣👍😅😋👍

yes!! I have talked to my parents incessantly about this because like. I have ALL these reasons to stay. and I’ve been beating myself up over like not being excited enough about them or whatever

but at the same time the only thing that sort of makes me feel better is the thought of leaving

Which probably says something about like, how I’m doing. And maybe my need to go DESPITE all these fun shiny experiences I could have while staying

And so today I woke up having decided that I am going to leave, and lay in bed until around 11:30 just idly on my phone (cancelled my hatchery service and everything), called my mom to tell her I decided to leave, emailed Nirali for an extra meeting, took a shower, went to lunch, went to class.

In class we had some guests, and Matthew talked about a tough event that had happened yesterday - a pair of shoes belonging to a past SJ student was found on campus during construction - and so the Kiks.ádi clan was going to come today and do a ceremony. Our guest Yeilt’ooch’ Tláa shared a really beautiful phrase they used in the Yukon:

Which she wrote and I approached her after to annotate. She had this amazing air to her that felt so welcoming and kind and grateful and it made me feel very happy to talk to her briefly. I found it tremendously beautiful and moving. In this context she said it to the people of history, I think, the people that lived on SJ campus, and the idea that we will not leave you all behind - as in we will not forget you, we will not leave you behind in the past. But she says it’s used for many occasions in the Yukon, not just for the recognition and bearing of history. Teenagers, she said, will say it to each other. If you have a 12-year-old that is slow. If you have a group of people running together. Hél is another version of Tlél (lit. translation “not”), yee is the second person plural, nák_ is “to leave behind,” and gax_too.aat is “we will�� + “go” (used in reference to multiple people, who are us).

I thought about this for a while and was moved. I think this is a sentiment I will carry too. It’s reassuring to hear. It makes you feel cared for. And it’s very powerful, too. I thought about all the ways I wanted to bear history and the people I did not want to leave behind in it: my family, my predecessors on this continent, people in the world whose legacy or way of being I inherit, in one way or another, unto myself. And then I started thinking about how I could co-opt this for graduate school admissions (Histories of women? Queerness? Diaspora? Some other buzzword?) and now as I write this I feel mildly terrible about that.

(Quick aside: being here has gifted me a beautiful lexicon. “Ways of knowing,” “ways of being,” “holding things,” and so on. Haa kusteeyí, I think they spell it in Tlingit. Not sure on that though.)

Anyway, after class I approached Nirali and told her that I had decided I was leaving, and she told me that I was a gift, to which I asked for a hug and tried very hard not to cry. And then she was off to the ceremony and I was off to sit in my room and browse the CSmajors Reddit. Matthew said there would be a drum circle down at the docks at 5 and so a little bit before 5 I went down to the docks. I saw the ceremony still going while walking down so I mildly but did not particularly expect them.

I sat on the dock and looked at the setting sun and listened to the Oh Hellos.

I also talked into the SSP server about said feelings. At this point I was having a really lovely day because I had learned that wonderful phrase earlier and the sunset and sitting on the dock was very beautiful. I noticed the tide was very low so I walked down the path next to the science center onto the beach. The water had receded further than I had ever seen before, maybe fifty feet back, and plenty of rocks with barnacles and seaweed and sea grass (I was rather taken by how pretty and silky it looked) and mussels were all exposed. I spent maybe 10 minutes walking in this low tide zone. I tried to climb a large rock but my shoes kept slipping and so I made a smart decision to slide on my butt back down. Then I freaked myself out by telling myself waterlines always recede dramatically before tsunamis and scampered back up to SJ campus. (I’m pretty sure tsunamis are also preceded by earthquakes and that we get notifications for them if we can detect them, but hey anxiety, my old friend.)

While walking back I saw the mountains behind SJ campus. I think it was one of the Sisters. They were tall and pink-shadowed and very beautiful.

I then met with one of my SSP mentees to work on her early action essays, had dinner, found out the drum circle happened ten minutes after I’d left, felt mildly betrayed, and met with my other SSP mentee. I called my mom briefly to tell her about how great of a day I’d had and how it made me feel conflicted about leaving again. Now I keep thinking: but today was so lovely. If I have days like today, I don’t want to leave. There must be many more beautiful things that are waiting in the future here. Won’t I be missing all these new ways of knowing?

Afterwards I went into Jazz’s room and tried to tell her about leaving, but Ben came in and asked us to go to Pell’s. Normally I would say no thank you. But I was thinking, I’m leaving and I haven’t even been to Pell’s. So we went to Pell’s (I wore 4 layers on top and 2 layers on the bottom). It was very cold.

The stars were very beautiful. I was informed that at Samsing cabin everyone could a) see even more stars, even the Milky Way and b) everyone smoked weed together. One part was surprising to me. I did not know that.

I then begged to go on the docks to see the stars better. Apparently the aurora was supposed to be visible on the horizon tonight, but the mountains and town are north and we did not see much. Ben suggested the tennis courts, so we lay down there and I told them that I wanted to leave. Neither of them seemed very surprised and both were very supportive. Then I told them about how I was having second thoughts because of how nice a day I was having, to which Ben empathized. “I had the most fun when I thought I was leaving,” he said. “It was because I thought fuck it and just started doing things.” I agreed. I had just done that with Pell’s.

We also made it a bit down to the docks (it was very slippery, as a thin sheet of frost was intermingled with the top layer of wood) before we went back to Yaw because the other two people had to piss. Afterwards we dragged 3 sleeping pads outside to lie in the grass and look at the stars more. I told Jazz a bit of how horribly I was feeling these past 2 weeks and how I was worried there was something wrong with me. She was very kind and was like, “why didn’t you tell me! It helps to have someone there for you!” to which I was only able to sort of say something about pride and fear and not being able to ask for things in the thick of it.

The truth is that I think I keep pride and fear (and a few other relatives) so intensely close to me, so constantly, that they become my silence. And I really need to work on that. I think I will stick it through and leave. And I know I am leaving because I had such an awful experience with mental health these past few weeks which made me so sad to be here, in such a beautiful place. And I know that that experience happened because I was in a hard place, and I have been carrying a lot of weight, and I need to learn to listen to myself and be more kind to myself. I am horrible and ruthless to myself and I really deserve better. I think I have many parts of myself that are wonderful and gentle and good. But when I get so into my head, all I can do is think about how horrible I am and how vain and shallow and insubstantial I think myself to be. And I don’t really deserve that.

So I think I’m going to follow through with leaving. I need to figure out how to tell the rest of SB and staffulty. To be honest, I kind of really don’t want to. Especially after such a good day. And the kindness and warmth people bring on purpose here. Ben said that it’s hard to leave community. It’s hard to find a place where people genuinely care for you like they do here. And I think that is very true. I wish I spoke to staffulty more, picked their brains more, asked them more questions. But perhaps if I had stayed here and hurted I still would have left unsatisfied and resentful and unconnected. In this sense I think I would like to try again (not necessarily by repeating any experiences, but trying again as in connecting with others again) once I work with myself a little more.

I will miss this tremendously. Already I have a fear that I will never find a place like this in the world again. But I also think it is not wrong to go home. To rest - truly rest - and to ask myself how I can begin to heal. I don’t want to frame this as me blaming myself for ruining this experience with my weakness with respect to mental health or fortitude. Rather just that I am hurting. That is not a fault of mine. It’s hard for me to believe this, even as I’m typing this out in live time. But this is the truth. I did not blow this for myself because I am weak. Instead I am taking care of myself because I have been hurting for a long time. And Outer Coast is not perfect. There is a lot they could have done better. But I do not regret coming here at all. I have acquired many really wonderful experiences and ways of knowing. And I think I have taken a step in the direction of understanding myself the way I did before I went to MIT. That is very lovely and I am glad for it.

I think a lot of the questions are: how do I be truly, actively kinder to myself? How do I live and accept myself as-is? How do I stop taking everything and blaming it on myself as a personal failing? How do I begin to let go of pain? How do I learn to live in the present instead of running towards the future?

Oh, if only not for my stack of unread books… how am I gonna pack everything?!!

[thetangibleghost]

okay im ready to talk about my day now. (which started eight hours ago at 1:30.)

work over all was good, I got moved out of the training area. I was in charge if loading three vans (at the same time) and uhhhhhh. I sucked. But i've sucked at my job this whole time so its okay <3

I didn't really get to sit down, maybe once for a few seconds. I'm just still really bad at time management and I care way to much about making sure the van is organized.

anyways so i had to leave early because I THOUGHT i had a psych appointment. on my way put one of the drivers asked me if i loaded his van and I was like 'no, sorry. or congratulations?' and he laughed and said i did a good job yesterday. he did not see how backed up I got and like three people had to help me. But thats okay.

so i get in the car and reba starts blasting and i have to turn it down to call my psych and i call the number they left the last voice mail from (this voice mail was to tell me if i missed another appointment i would be banned from using their office) but it wasn't the same number as usual?? not actually that important but weird... like what department was I talking to?

So im like "hi what ever bitch alter answered the phone and made the appointment the other day didn't write it down so i need to know what time to come in"

I didn't say that it was more bland and i didn't mention alters because they don't know that yet haha. anyways.

so the front desk person is like "your appointment doesn't exist."

and i was like "that's funny because i need to see a psychiatrist like. Asap." but i didn't say that she just was like lemme transfer you to him (the nurse im gonna see) and then hung up. there was a lot inbetween those things mostly like her talking and me like 'mhmm. yes. i understand. no appointment.'

so i call the actual number this time (im driving during this by the way dont be me) and the front desk person there says my appointment was a week ago and I missed it.

I genuinely had to be like, wait. Did i lose time or something?? but i was so brave and stuck to my guns and was like 'I made an appointment a few days ago tho' and she was like 'oh yeah i see that now thats actually September 15th.' and i was like 'oh that's cool. see u then i guess' <- is out of mood stabilizers and you guys won't refill them with out another appointment even though its fucking lamictal like what am i gonna do? sell it? "yeah you gotta wait a month for them to kick in but once they do... oh boy you'll feel a normal range of human emotions. thats for sure"

So. essentially the next month should be SO fun lets hope I start manic till then because i have school and if my bi-polar makes me fail again im going to sue someone <3

[ithisatanytime]

Trey Skies - S O A R // B Y E 楽しむ (prod. doujinshi) [Yu Yu Hakusho AMV]

“ So, if the Edomites replaced the Jews, then why did they sack and rape their fellow Edomites? “

this is the second time i saw this exact post in two days, im pretty sure i wrote about this exact thing either yesterday or the day before. its such a fucking nonpoint, have you seen anyone make fun of americans calling them “mutts” or le fifty six percent face or anything like that because of our significan hispanic and african population? well they do, but with that in mind, would it be fucking so impossible for a latin or african nation to sack and rape america? do black people ever rape other black people? its such a retarded nonpoint, and again i love to see it.

 link me one other person telling the WHOLE truth as i am and i will quit this shit TODAY, im tired of it any damn way someone else do it. go ahead inbox me a link to one dude telling it straight and ill fucking quit. even nick fuentes waffles like the little bitch he factually is when asked “yes or no, was hitler a good guy” “well i dont know, it was a world war maybe im nuetral”  he was the best man in history next to christ jesus and hes at his side in heaven right now! put me on oprah and ill say the same goddamn thing.

[indigo474]

they say the the right one comes along when you least expect it. they.. who is they? maybe there is no right one.. my lover is being sketchy as hell and i'm kind of over it and him. he texted me that he wanted to do things with me.. in my head i thought he meant like things.. stuff, activities.. he meant sex.. my soul wants and needs more than just sex. i want the whole package. someone i can call and tell them about my day.. hear about their day and just share life with. the sex is so good and i'm honestly thinking i won't find that again.

work has been horrendous- dealing with my bitch coworker. it's so triggering for me because dam if her behavior isnt like that of x's.. what is it about me that makes me a target for this type of person? i am perceived as being weak. is it my kindness? i'm a pretty transparent person in work and I dont know.. but ive had issues with this person from the beginning.. shes been with the company for 20+ years but trans to my location around when i started. i saw Marci yesterday and told her what happened this week and she said -- there is a major HR case against the person and the company is trying to force her out by having her take an early retirement. I called my manager and let her know what went down-on thursday.. i also met with her on tuesday and told her the nonsense that happened while she was on vacation. I let her know both times i didnt want to do anything as of yet just wanted to let her know what was happening. she was very very supportive and she basically told me to continue to document everything and have my rep do the same. so, i guess i'll see what happens on Monday.

i have no idea what im doing today and really really need to find something to occupy my time- like a job.. if i could work the OT at my job id be working weekends. i cant stand not having anything to do..

[ventaway]

i'm in those days again, where i'm getting antsy about everything. the feeling of taking care of someone is the feeling that i mostly hate. it's not that i'm a careless heartless bitch, it's just the thought of someone being needy towards me or showing me some needines and that i am the only who who takes good care of them makes me sick. whenever my bf having bad days, or just in a mood, mentally i want to get out. yesterday it was kinda it that pissed me off. i've said multiple times i'm tired, and he wasn't kind of letting me go, or just joke about it, and that doesn't makes it better.

i just said to myself that he was starting getting obsessed with the apartments now because he just feels that ( i guess) he wants to get out of his apartment, and that starks as a good idea, to look again. i don't know what's his deep feelings about it, like why can't he be chill about it. but i'll never know if i'll never ask. or it's just the obvious that he's waiting for a long time for a change.

anyways, this i understand, yesterday though, i don't.

it felt like he needed a lot of attention but i couldn't give it to him and when i told him it's was upsetting.but maybe it was simpler ?

i went home, he came back 5 minutes after me, we opened a bottle of wine, smoked cigs, i told him i'm going to make the food, made the food, he didn't want me to watch something on the tv cause it's trash and it distracts him so i watched on my laptop. then, i wanted him to kill a cockroach and he just gave up in the middle, saying like i can't do this right now. i think that's what pissed me off. i get it, he was stressed, he was in the middle of something, but it disappointed me cause he then he gave me the feeling of just that person who cooks but not appreciated, which is not true it's just the feeling he gave me. i can't blame him but also i think that's why i got like tired and didn't have strength to talk my emotions and stuff. is it important to talk about this kind of thing? im not sure.

it's really hard when i wanted a little bit attention out of him and a feeling he's here with me and he wanted the same but we just couldn't give that to each other cause life.

so im going to forgive this one because it was just an exhausting day. and i hope today is going to be a good one.