#and im like. bitch i am not the same person as i was yesterday i do not remember

[0mysteiarchives]

One-Time Collaboration..? • Idol!Reader x Robin

A/N: somewhat modern au??? I mean robin just works under a company and thats it also unfortunately no Sunday mention i'm sorry gang but I swear I am a loyal wife with my 160+ pulls for these two- warnings: a closed off and slightly oblivious reader that adapted to their environment , random fluff from an op who just dropped angst yesterday , somewhat?? affectionate robin in your area , and a RUSHED ASS WORK-

• So your manager called in the middle of your practice session and explained that you’ll be having a collaboration with Pena.Co’s precious angel: Robin. She actually debuted 4 months after you did, and in all honesty she's definitely surpassed you with her amazing voice. And with a pretty face like hers, everyone talked about her .

• Just like they reacted with your debut.

• You thought that she’d be another like those idols you had worked with who put on a loving and lively attitude to their fans, and be an absolute bitch off stage when no ones watching. That’s how everything works in this industry after all, everyone just wants the money and attention.

• So the first time you met you merely gave dry responses, you didn’t mean to be rude but you just wanted this over with. Any questions she asked was met with one word or sentence.

Obviously your management didn’t like that attitude. Oh well.

• Yet somehow that didn’t stop Robin from trying to talk to you. She doesn’t seem bothered at the fact that you’re trying to push her away, and you could feel the eagerness to have a proper conversation.

...why???

• You pretty much gave up ignoring the idol and finally decided to talk to her properly as you turned around to face her and give your name, eventually you two became close friends.

• Sorry, did I say close? I meant reeeaaallly, really close.

• In a span of 3 weeks, Robin seems to be quite open to complimenting you. You'd be practicing your choreo or vocals and she'll be showering you with compliments that would leave you a flustered mess.

• In the next month, she invites you to small things that you're interested in. A certain movie you wanted to watch? She'll ask you to join her to watch it in a VIP area. A new restaurant that peaked your interest recently? Consider a room for just the two of you reserved. What a nice friend!

• How does she excuse these peaceful, romantical moments of being in each other's prescence without interruption from rabid fans or thirdwheeling staff? Just a personal hangout between two idols to know about each other more!

• But if it's just a hangout..why do you feel your heart beating faster when places her hand on yours? When she gives you a sweet smile that's only for you? When she wraps her arms around your waist to engulf you into a surprise hug? When-

• ..Ok bro I think you're in love, just saying.

• ..Oh shit you're in love with Penacony's rising idol.

• ...Good taste.

• Now this can go two ways: You silently accept that Robin might never reciprocate your feelings, or you confront her about it and reach a conclusion you've fallen for her charm.

• Oh wow! It turns out she requested to have a partnership with you because she fell in love at first sight since your first appearance on the stage. She followed your footsteps and tried to get closer and hoped you'd feel the same way about her.

• Whilst Robin was rambling and basically confessing her mutual love for you with red cheeks and held your hands gently, you just stared into her eyes.

• That's kinda cute...

• Wait what was that last part?— —

A/N: guys ik its rushed im sorry its like 1 am rn usiadfsdlkji

Btw there's going to be a pt 2 and here's some future works soon: -HoV!Reader meeting HSR!Himeko -Found Family with the Nameless -Modern AU Skating // Sparkle , Acheron , Robin , Sunday , Firefly , Adventurine -Guardian Angel!Robin and Sunday x reader -Genshin!Reader sent to the hsr universe -Streamer!AU // Adventurine , Sunday , Sparkle Shii that's kinda alot ermmmm... idc anymore goodnight gang :sob:

[itsrlymine]

hi again it's 🧷!

the last 24 hours have been a whirlwind. i laughed. i cried. i peed myself. but im a person who likes a little journey. i've been affirming my ass off bc that's what works for me and i'm already feeling so much more control and better about myself. so thank u for the reality check.

also i have some successes....

yesterday, i thought i had a uti bc a girl keeps drinking apple cider cocktails i fear. it's just too good and it’s the holidays. 😫😭 but i kept telling myself i don't have one bc no way am i dealing with antibiotics (and no me time) for 2 weeks. and when i went to urgent care bc i still was a bit anxious in the 3D yk how it is. but guess WHAT. I WAS NEGATIVE 🤩. so that was cool. and they gave me stickers even though im like 20 which was very sweet LOL.

also today, i manifested that the type of pasta i needed for thanksgiving wasn't gone. bc if ur on tiktok and you've seen tini's mac and cheese recipe. the stores r sold OUT of cellentani shaped pasta... and i live in a big city.... so i made my sister go out and get 2 boxes on her way home from her rural ass college and she texts me like "hey you'll never believe this there were 2 boxes left all the way at the back of the shelf where no one would see them" and i was like😮‼️

but omg i'm like. wow!!! yay!!! all it took was a decision!!! i'm still learning to trust myself but i'm never turning back again. i'm embracing my title as queen god boss bitch of reality, and that even when i have off days it doesn’t mean bad things bc shit always works in my favor no matter what!!

All it takes is a decision!!!!! Yes babe like wtf lke this is so easy for you bc it is you!!! I love these successes of yours babe. You better keep drinking them apple cider cocktails. Lemme get one rq actually.

Health, appearance, food, getting people to do what you want.... All these "types" of manifestations are easy bc they are all the same!! There is only one way to get what you want and that is by accepting you have it. period.

This is amazing and I'm so proud of you babe!!!

[aguineapigcouldntdothis]

tw for irresponsible usage of prescription drugs, addiction, and slight references to suicide

do not do what I do! this is not advice. step away from the substances addiction will not save you. they did not save me and this is not fun

anyway yesterday was the 4 year anniversary of the worst day of my entire life which obviously gave me a ton of ptsd and is what directly caused many of my other almost as bad days. it was absolutely life altering in the most horrific way possible and if anything worse than that happens im not sure what id do.

I always have a lot of nightmares going to sleep on this night so I was originally going to drink, but then I remembered the only alcohol I have is cooking wine and that doesnt taste good unless its used for its actual purpose. which is cooking. and then I was gonna smoke but that requires driving to a spot where I can be alone which I didnt feel like doing. plus I need to really cut down to once a week because I'm on testosterone and ive smoked the past like 3 days.

so I have made the knowingly stupid decision to go so so fucking hard on the sleeping pills. not a suicidal amount, just enough that it is definitely not safe and not recommended. I am hoping that it'll either put me such a deep sleep that I dont dream at all or give me such vivid dreams that they dont bear any relation to the trauma im avoiding. the only reason I feel like I can do this without ODing is I spent a few months abusing prescription medication for funsies. didnt even rely on it for anything and I could function just fine I just liked seeing how they combined and how much I could take. got bored of it pretty fast.

anyway this is absolutely not a smart decision do not copy this i am an unhealthy person with bad coping mechanisms who regularly uses substances to cope. I also have done enough substances that I am extremely aware of my limits. if this works I am schrödinger's idiot. both a genius and the dumbest man alive at the same time.

there's always a risk so if I dont wake up tomorrow then oh well! if I die it isn't a suicide and I wasn't killed its just sort of something that happened

also if youre gonna bitch about me making bad decisions with drugs I will block you. addict does addict shit. fork found in kitchen. hay found in guinea pig enclosure. you get the point.

[the-vibes-are-off]

The Stormlight Archive Volume 1: The Way of Kings’ Review: Chapters 12-15

link to contents page - https://at.tumblr.com/the-vibes-are-off/hey-hey/96xd9ohihrzs

aaaaaaaaaand the energy continues to be low, naturally I would continue to be lacking recovery at the height of essay writing season. This part comes fresh from the fingertips of my post nap self since I did a grocery shop this morning (i forgot to buy tea :’)))) and just passed tf out after lunch. I would make another cuppa to attempt to feel the benefits of a little caffeine boost but, even though my kettle is in my room, bed too snuggly and warm to leave.

Deffo intrigued by part 2, the prelude and prologue are making more sense in relation to the plot now and im liking the characterisation and relationship dynamics that are being built :))

Spoiler Free Zone: 

The absolutely heart wrenching feeling seeing Shallan NOT in this part that I experienced yesterday was not ok. BUT the introduction of the Elhokar, Adolin, Dalinar, Renarin and Sadeas interactions is kinda worth it bc they’re hella entertaining.

Kaladin maintaining the better energy in this part is great too, he’s on some kinda wild grindset like I could personally never but pop off ig king.

Syl and her progression too? Living for it. I can’t wait to find out more about her as the book continues.

***SPOILER ZONE AHEAD, YOU’VE BEEN WARNED***

Spoiler Zone:

Interesting change in chapter quotes, I was very much enjoying the before death quotes but I dont know I think I vibe with these too. I’m assuming they’re from a letter to someone and whoever is writing it is so sassy I love it: “I hope this missive find you well” to “now that you are essentially immortal, I would guess that wellness on your part is something of a given” is so iconic.

In the ways of tabs, I simply loved Dalinar’s little moment just riding his horse with the wind hitting his face like mf needs a break from having these visions like the destress must’ve been immense. 

And then his little smile when Elhokar won their little like race thingy, so cute, we love positive masculine relationships omg 

Which naturally just had to be interrupted by memories of his vision and stress out the poor guy. I will say though I love a character that has questionable means of acquiring knowledge that is untrusted by their peers (hello Jonathan Sims of The Magnus Archives) so I’m super on the edge of my seat over this visions business 

On my earlier topic of character interactions tho, Wit is READING the whole family to filth my goodness. Like yeah it was chill whatever when he was just teasing Renarin over girls but the shade on Sadeas? As he fucking should. Sadeas is a bitch and should be treated as such. 

Then the fight, ugh. While I love the lore of like chasmfiends, and gemhearts and how they’re harvested and their uses and all that jazz; and OBVIOUSLY you can’t beat a cheeky little beat down of some insect like creature; Elhokar’s little main character ‘I’m hard as fuck’ call to destiny “I defy you” moment made my blood boil and instantly lose any likeability towards him. It was a major ick. You’d thinking having inherited the title of king that long ago that he would have matured more.

Alas, all I had tabbed in Kaladin’s bit was between him and Syl (what can I say I love her). Her whole self-awareness into gaining intelligence and sentience is so cool and I’m so intrigued to see how it progresses. Its kinda sad that shes stuck inbetween the threat of forgetting into being ignorant of everything that has happened and all she knows and, although that would be easier, not wanting to lose the freedom of what she knows. 

And on that same page, Kaladin says something I think everyone needs to hear: “I don’t know what I am either. A bridgeman? A surgeon? A soldier? A slave? Those are all just labels. Inside, I’m me.” 

Tab Count:

Cute <3 - 1

Fights - 1

Sad ;-; - 0

Death - 0

Cool - 1

Wtf wow - 0

Wtf Why - 2

Slay Quotes - 3

Love this! - 2

Hate this >:( - 1

Lore - 0

Tab Total:

Cute <3 - 7

Fights - 5

Sad ;-; - 2

Death - 2

Cool - 5

Wtf wow - 2

Wtf Why - 3

Slay Quotes - 8

Love this! - 8

Hate this >:( - 3

Lore - 2

[rarepairnation]

6, 13 and 22 for the ask game?

hi friend!!! thank u for sending these<3 i was gonna ask you if you wanted to send different questions bc there’s a couple repeats from the last ask but then i came up with new answers. if you still wanna send diff ones though i will answer them as well

6. which ship fans are the most annoying

ACTUALLY LMFAO I LIED IN THE LAST ONE. i think (hope?) you’ll find this one funny lol well the 0.5 people in the denethorongil ao3 tag who are just there for crack. girl the psychic situationship. that is so fucking interesting. this is like the reverse answer. which ship NON fans are the most annoying. Anyway. i think it just pisses me off whenever a dynamic that could be so thematically (and dramatically) intriguing gets dismissed or made into a joke bc like. come on is that the best we can do? perhaps i just frequently lack a sense of humour about this kind of thing. or maybe people mostly are not funny…who can say.

13. worst blorbofication…TWO!

now is my time to SHINE baby….little pathetic baby faramir is SUCH a textbook fucking case of blorbofication. that shit is ridiculous. yeah the idea of a punching bag dad to take shit out on and/or guy bending over backwards just for his dad's approval appeals to you. unrelatedly how is your relationship with your dad. but i swear to god i KNOW that there are other characters out there that fit this archetype better. there are PLENTY of sad little people pleasers out there. dont take one of the greatest bitchest craziest men in the whole wide green world and make him your little crybaby. if you read the denethor faramir relationship as abusive you gotta also understand that he is right there punching back at it all. goddamn. he had gone on the orders of the lord of the city indeed. peter jackson im gonna fucking get you. this is a guy that first blamed his brothers death on their father and THEN promptly forced said father to order him to his probable death for the sake of his own moral code he has never once laid down and taken it in his LIFE. he’s been arguing back since he was like seven years old or something. in MANY THINGS he displeased his father! he is not a doormat he is a motherfucking doorstop and he WILL make it your problem! also i don’t have anywhere else to put this opinion so it’s gonna go here. it hit me sometime yesterday that the desperate-to-please faramir narrative almost works better with canon denethor. i mean film faramir is a totally different guy so like im not even sure if he would have the same history with his father but like just bear with me here. if he knows that his father trusts him as a commander and yet cannot (seem to express, although failing to express for long enough is basically equivalent) love him as a son…that he has memories of… actually just kidding this doesn’t fucking work at all. because the POINT of it all is that denethor and faramir are the same until they’re not. sly and tactical and cunning and so so so numenorean that elros tar-minyatur would WEEP. while i think film faramir and book denethor are - if not diametric opposites, at least not. so similar. i mean peter jackson literally blorbified him himself. here is my new guy with maybe one of his key traits preserved. man when i reblog a film faramir gif im just imagining book faramir’s personality. i hope you all understand this. i just. i DO love david wenham’s faramir face. he put so so so much 100% home grown bitch energy into the capturing frodo and sam scene faramir and i am simply imagining him translating all that onto "on one occasion at least your counsel has prevailed, not long ago. it was the lord of the city that gave the errand to him." now THAT…oh captain my captain. do you get it

22. your favourite part of canon that everyone else ignores

on one occasion at least your counsel has prevailed not long ago/stir not the bitterness in the cup i poured for myself. people LOOOVE you wish now that our places had been exchanged but read two more lines girlypop IT GETS BETTER. i mean people smarter than me have figured it out already but "restraint"…the idea of faramir having been holding this back for a long time. perhaps even since he first realized boromir was dead and thinking oh. oh, father sent him, or agreed to let him go, or however it went down, and now he is dead and it is father's fault. jesus christ that makes me crazy. and denethor basically saying what else do you think i have been thinking about for weeks. do you dare to think this is new news to me im not the heartless bitch you think i am. of course i blame myself. ARE YOU KIDDING? this is like the entire dynamic contained in two lines of dialogue. i had a runner-up answer but im too sleepy to write it all out but ill tell you what it is and its how WEIRD denethor and faramir are. theyre so weird you guys. i am psychic and prophetic and i WILL make it your problem.

[supercriminalbean]

Things that made me insane during criminal minds evolution:

Written while I watched so enjoy my bumbling mess. Spoiler alert of course.

Episode 7:

I've seen spoilers this time so I sad oh we. It's mainly only because of Garcia stuff.

The women in the opening looks like my old friend..huh weird.

Why did deputy dipshit do the opening quote gross.

Oh no it's the JJ and Penelope from season 3 scene but worseeeeee.

Emily is concerned and thinking.

Garcia baby you need a friend your obliviously not okay you need support.

Emily is a mood.

So I'm emotionally lately and Papa Rossi with Tara I'm cryinggg.

Okay no. I'm sorry but look I LOVE Tara I do and I get she just got broken up with but hear me out hear. When Luke and JJ almost died they didn't even get to go home for a sleep before they had to keep going on the case but Dave Is trying to get Tara to take 3 days off (hell yes she desever it but not my point right now) JJ in the last episode qas exhausted and honstely she's probably close to a break down and no one e is there for her apart from Will of course but what happened to the team that use to be a family please. It so broken.

I need David Rossi to give me a dad talk or someone to give me a dad talk please.

Where's Luke??? Ughh I'm over the writers.

Oh hi Luke never mind.

I fucking love Rossi and Luke they feed of each other I swear 😂

JJ your so quite baby. Your so pretty I love you.

The deputy douchbag is growing on me.

He was now no more.

Okay I love him again

Am I the only one who ships him and Emily? I mean no what no I don't...

Mm Ellias 😍

Rossi 😳😳 I uh um. I was looking at that yesterday to.

Everytime I hear them mention Reid I get excited but I know it's just teasing.

Boss, JJ, Double Boss. Only Garcia haha baby 😂

Emily freeze definitely scared the fuck out of Penelope you can't tell me otherwise. It scared me.

Emily is scared haha.

Emily same.

Committed to pleasure oh baby that's one type of pleasure huh.

He spent the night at my house..

EMILY GROAN IS ME I LIVE FOR IT.

EMILY FACE IS TO RELATABLE RIGHT NOW WHY IS SO HOT ALSO LIKE FUCK MOMMY?!?!!!

Penelope is scared and then was like a bitch like bruhh

I have to say tho even without Prentiss being a profiler just her being friends with Garcia for so long she knew she wouldn't call him today.

I can not take this episode seriously im sorry I love Garcia right now she reminds me of me this weekend.

I'm also Emily at my friend's decision in men.

The little I love you when she leaves.

Garcia needs to get her shit together but why is Noone asking her what she's up to? Does anyone check in on Penelope and JJ anymore like thoes two were always there for the team. Derek and Spencer were thier supporters and so was Hotch now they gone so just thoes two thinking they are all alone again because they have trust issues someone hug them please.

I'm starting to like deputy director he cool man just don't lie to people man, but damn he good at.

Why is Luke called Alvez by everyone it's weird.

Moose aww, I was also suprised the girl was alive.

Tara baby I wanna hug you.

Garcia please talk to him.

David Rossi I love you but why can't you fucking see that JJ and Garcia are not okay. Thank you.

Haha okay when the deputy director speaks and Rossi stares at him I just shkgfybsuajb fall in idk not love maybe I just need to get laid.

Bailey smile is cute haha dumbass I think you might die soon.

Fuck why is Luke in leather hot

The way Emily glance at him damn.

Okay I was hoping for Lesbian Emily this season ugh.

Mm Elias swearing 🥵🥵 holy crap me I'm not good

Nooo where did grace go???

Bitch don't follow the lights you dumbass

Aww I love this girl haha her view of God is great.

Garcia. Okay I know I KNOW we don't like this Tyler Green situation but his smile when she speaks is cute why can't I get a person to smile like that at me.

I love Garcia rambling its so cute.

Tyler getting it is good I like this it's good.

Um no do not go over!!! At least have Emily or JJ over please!! Or even better Luke... jealous Luke...please.

Ugh I'm sorry but I hate it I HATE it when females think they can push or slap other when annoyed or angry and think it's okay but if a man did it oh hell no. Ughhh Elias your wife annoys me.

Omg he was really so close to killing her and that's kinda hot and sad.. and I need therapy.

Grace and Ashley are awwww.

Bailey is cute and Emily Is adorable.

Bailey didn't lie, not suprise love it.

BAILEY I 100% UNDERSTAND I NEED MORE MEN MY DADS AGE TO DISAPOINT TO. but for different reasons...unless you also uhu.

Come and get it Mother fucker 😂

I hope Ashley lives.

Aww Bailey dumbass put pressure on the wound. I know it's late.

He's so sweet 😭😭 if I'm dying can he hold me please.

Oh no another crush on a fictional man ahhhhh noooooo. No no no. Oh fuck it why not.

Elias shot your wife please I don't like her.

He's not leaving for good it'd just a little while damn. Why they crying are they like not use to this. Doesn't he travel alot for work anyway I don't get it? Do I just have trauma and use to this shit?

Rossi ugh fuck you. Like yes Tara needs love but JJ just seems sad like please something wrong.

Holy fuck Will hi I missed you.

Oh shit 😂

I'm sorry but I love them but somethings wrong.

Noooo the case is closed haha Emily won't let that happen.

Tyler fuck off!!!!

He hot tho and the way he looks at her Is kinda cute.

TYLER SHUT UP PLEASE YOU ARE RUINING MY HOPES FOR LUKE.

I mean he's not lying Penelope Garcia also saved my life.

Her smile her smile her smile!

His smile his eyes.

No shut up Garia ew yes hot yes kinky yes I want you to say that to me (and Luke) but not him.

Like I don't like it but at least we finislly get to see Penelopes love life without stupid Kevin because when she dated Sam (season 9 to 11) IT DISAPPEARED.

NO PENELOPE NO! BAD PENELOPE!

Rossi please get some rest, I'm worried.

Oooh his own kill kit

Rossi gonna get himself killed.

Haha neighbor same, omg the song choice nooooo. Omg no no 😂😂

Okay I'm GARCIA! actually no I'm blaming that line on. KIRSTEN VANGSNESS!!!

THIS SCENE IS SO HOT HOLY FUCK.

His grin, the books,the heavy breathing. She totally rided him hard. But his hair isn't messed up weird.

Okay so um thoughts I know we want Derek go come back to knock some sense into Penelope but I don't think he's going to be that good... you know who we need.. we need and I know the Writers are going to really really struggle on this but um what about bringing but... JJ, Emily and Tara. OH WAIT THEY NEVER LEFT BUT SOMEHOW THE FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN THOES FOUR IS COMPLETELY GONE!!!!!!!!!BRING IT BACK! Or at least JJ and Penelope or please please after season 13 Emily just doesn't seem to like JJ any more. WHY?! GIVE ME A REASON AND MY FAMILY BACK.

Also Luke. Why is he even in the show? If your not going to give him much to do your just fucking us off. WE WANT LUKE WE WANT MORE LUKE.

[emulation-0]

i need to move on but im still so angry about yesterday. i told her exactly why i was mad. i told her if she used her voice to advocate a little, if she even tried to be publicly pro palestinian instead of saying she 'supports the cause' without the balls to even say what the cause IS, i wouldnt be mad. because she never talked about it, never did ANYTHING, and then promised she would protest and then made the excuse that school mattered more to her. EVEN THOUGH NOTHING WAS HAPPENING ON THAT DAY AND WE ALL KNEW IT. publicly advocating isnt the ask of the century. its so simple. im not asking her to go out and shoot up city hall or whatever the fuck ??? im asking her to do the simplest thing

and she kept making excuses like im scared to face other peoples judgement and i reassured her even when i didnt have to how this is the right thing to do and you shouldnt stay silent. i coukdve been rude about it but i wasnt. i couldve been the big scary radical brown muslim girl but i was nice when i didnt fucking have to be.

all this when she initiated the conversation by apologizing for lying to me that she would go to the protest, and that she would accept if i yelled at her or gave her the silent treatment. she wanted me to vent out my anger. she said she wanted me to hurt her feelings. so i fucking vented out my anger and i couldve been mean about it but i wasnt. and then she left me on read when i told her how what she did hurt me and how she can fix it.

and then the next day this bitch avoids me ALL DAY. ignores me. treats me like im the one in the wrong. so i sucked up my damn pride and told her im sorry for being rude, being mad, telling you what you should do and she has the AUDACITY, the ENTITLEMENT, to say she doesnt want a 'surface level promise' and an apology just for the purpose of befriending me, and she wants an apology where j realized my mistake. AS IF SHE DIDNT APOLOGIZE IN THE FIRST PLACE FOR MY FORGIVENESS AND NOT BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT HER BEHAVIOR.

but i decided to be the bigger person. i shouldnt have but i fucking did. and i sucked it up. and then she ignores me FOR A FUCKING HOUR and has the audacity to then tell me. even though i am super upset i decide to forgive you. AS IF SHES DOING ME A FUCKING FAVOR? WHAT HAPPENED TO 'if you yell at me or give me the silent treatment, i will accept it. i want you to vent out your anger so you can feel free internally. i want you to hurt my feelings.'

and i knew she wasnt the type of person i wanted to be friends with for a very long while. always hypocritical, stubborn, never wants to get out of her comfort zone, never speaks up about anything and shuts down whenever i try to educate her, backbites about others and then says she hates backbiters, complains about toxic desis while she emulates those behaviors? but she didnt give me a reason to cut her off so i figured ill just wait until i never have to see her face again

why have friends if you never want them to challenge your beliefs. why have friends if you never want to grow as a person. why have discussions if you want to sit in the same bubble you always have, clinging to your ignorant and comfortable life because you dont want anything else? GO FUCK YOURSELF. FUCK YOU AND YOUR STUPID 'I DECIDE TO FORGIVE YOU'. SHOVE ALL YOUR BULLSHIT UP YOUR ASS. SHOVE IT SO FAR THAT YOULL NEVER REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO WALK. HOW CAN YOU NOT CARE. HOW CAN YOU BE SO FUCKING ENTITLED AND PRIVILEGED. GENUINELY FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART KILL YOURSELF

[thegeminisage]

tng update time, brief because i am BUSY. two nights ago we caught "contagion" together, yesterday i watched "the royale" on my own, and just now i finished "time squared."

contagion: don't know why this one was recced by so amny people because it was VERY boring. because it had romulans in it? it's not even unwatchably bad or anything, i just...didn't care

did like that the romulan commander was a woman though. just like the enterprise incident. where's spock when you need him

the archaeology angle was stupid. "oooh i have to go i've been studying them since i was a lad" you literally do not have to go "well china was thought to be only a myth until marco polo traveled there" bitch, not to the fucking chinese. get a grip.

the fakeout data death...girl we know he's going to be fine! i did like him throwing geordi around though he made the little faces <3 and i was very proud of him for continuing to work when he had a little computer virus. aw. maybe less glad that picard didn't give him any extra priase for doing so but whatever we can't have high expectations for this ep

anyway it was all just very overly contrived. and i was bored.

the royale: this had a great setup because i love when star trek talks about nasa. that made me really excited for what turned out to ultimately be a holodeck episode

played this one on 2x speed genuinely (my deepest dishonor - bad ones get 1.25x, really bad ones get 1.5x, and horrible ones alone get 2x speed)

like, if you changed it a little, you could say the holodeck is broken and won't let you out until you pretend to be investors and win big in the casino! it's the same thing. i guess they didn't want people thinking the holodeck was dangerous and unreliable, which it is

anyway, i liked data blowing on the dice. that was all though

time squared: this one blew my tits clean off. amazing. 10/10. it's like the immunity syndrome, enemy within, and doomsday machine had a time traveling baby

there is like a little bit of time travel technobabble that makes no sense whatsoever. and i did get the final twist spoiled for me. but it doesn't MATTER. neither of those things mattered because i was still sitting there with my jaw on the ground after the end

like, one website called this one confusing. sure yeah a little bit. they were playing very fast and loose with both their own rules established in the episode and the greater rules of the franchise as a whole. but the point is the character arc

like. picard sees himself make a decision that will destroy his ship. he sees himself fail utterly to do everything he holds sacred - he did not even GO DOWN with his ship. he is facing a matt decker doomsday machine of a situation. remember when kirk pitied matt decker because he saw his whole crew die and was helpless to stop it but was also a little put off by him because he couldn't possibly imagine himself in that situation? but with picard IT IS himself. it's green shirt john crichton and black shirt john crichton. they're BOTH the real picard but one of them has been through something unimaginably horrible

AND WHEN THAT PICARD. ENDANGERS THE SHIP. like. IN COLD BLOOD our picard chooses to kill him. and in my personal interpretation he thinks of it as mercy. but like he still shot him while looking directly at him and NO ONE knows what he did because he DIDNT TELL THEM except he called the fucking doctor for some reason

like at the end he's just staring out of a window. and riker is like hi im here to let you talk about it! and picard doesn't talk about it and riker goes away and in the end he is just staring out of the fucking window and they just ROLL CREDITS a real "anyway! these are the voyages of the starship enterprise" of a situation aka what i always loved about tos episodes (honorific)

i THINK this is a cross-section of drag me to hell and there was no laugh track but further contemplation required. straight banger i fucking loved it

i still have to do "the icaurs factor" and "pen pals" alone, but then we get to do "q who" together WHICH IS THE BORG EPISODE i cannot wait. nobody tell me ANYTHING.

[hekaates]

open letter to ems (part ii) — @officialjimmybuffet

Hey bitch. Happy birthday

First time it’s just a letter, second it’s a pattern, how long until it counts as tradition?

Maybe it’s weird but I started to write this letter on December 13th, 2022. 179 days until your birthday but I felt the need to start writing this, felt the need to put my sentiments into words.

Yesterday I sent you 18 audios, several minutes each of course, explaining you in deep detail the plot of the first Avatar movie. I watched it alone after my mom went to sleep and to be frank Im kind of glad she did or else she’ll catch me crying over the scenery of a planet that doesn’t exist, from a movie that I’m pretty sure doesn’t pass the Belchdel test (update: it does not, everything is about Jake Sully and his terrible habits). It’s sitting in the bathroom floor all alone, waiting for people to stop screaming at each other that makes me realize how much I needed you in my life, how much I need, and will need someone who understands and compliments (as in complementary) me as well as you do. I like Avatar because I’m insane, but also because I see someone so lost and so insane in their own world they have to go literally to another planet to find a home, because somehow they do and I think, fuck maybe I could to. Looking back at it, the fact Jakes best friend is a short haired ginger scientist (healthcare science is a science right?) might make it even more close to home. (I hope in the end of this story, I don’t turn blue and you die and come back reincarnated as my daughter, but if you do it’d be hilarious and pretty on brand for us).

Everytime I remember you exist I am no longer alone. One time we were talking about the saints (this phrase in itself explains our relationship better than any other thing I can say here) and we said: I’d pick your saint if you pick mine. I remember the first time I wrote it, I looked at the screen, I looked at me and I looked at you (the only way I can, deep inside my mind) and I realize that with no other person this sentiment would make sense, no other person could I send a message at 22h explaining the in-depth history of Brazilian reality shows and make it so that I’m not insane or annoying or terrible, no other person would I search the deep webs of Wikipedia to find out what Saint was killed on June 10 (ps. It’s Saint Olivia, that’s my sisters name).

Saint Emma is the keeper of pharmacy, Saint Luisa the keeper of grief, somewhere along the lines God made it so we can meet and this would make a little bit too much sense.

I want to thank you for always holding my hand, even if have never touched, even if we never do. Times passed, I forget to write and now your birthday is in 4 days and now it is in 2 days and I find myself plagued by a loneliness only you can fill (I think this is the gayest sentence I’ve ever wrote and that’s saying something). Right now I look at the sun and it’s 4pm here so it means that in the other side of the world it’s 3pm and you are looking at the same sun, as the sunlight burns the right side of my face I can’t help but wonder if right now, in the other side of the hemisphere, it burns the left side of your face, that in the sunlight our faces meet and become one (again, really going for the gayness vibe rn).

The only future I am content with is the one I have you by my side, it’s the one I can call you to spend christmas with my family be it next to a British young star celebrity or not (but like if god wants him to spend several christmases with me then like I can’t say no right that’s on God not me right anyways I’m getting of track-) In the good ending it’s Christmas afternoon and I’m sitting by the pool showing you how to open an earl fruit or a persimmon while my siblings play with the speaker. In the good ending we’re in a club in New Jersey and I have no idea how to order a drink, in the good ending, when the movie is about to be done I grab your hand and say “hey.”

So, yeah.

Hey.

[haoaibai]

i am literally. this close. THIS. close. to. fucking. cry. and shout.

my family has a serious obsession w me being gay and keeps forcing me to come out and out the closet. no matter how hard I say no, I REPEATEDLY hear “oh you came out? cant hide now can you?” like no bitch i was basically out years ago at a young age w all those subtle signs of queerness but brushed it off and went w being straight until my queerness became visible to me. i just wasnt so sure and i didnt know this community existed until i was like really old. back then you never knew I was GAY LMFAO.

and they keep saying “you owe me an explanation as to why you’re gay”, “if youre gay why watch kpop boy groups?” (she keeps calling them chinese and i wanna fucking smash a wall omfg), “you owe us a coming out story”, “youre not gay stop lying” etc then I said I don’t owe them shit and they REALLY said “oh but we’re your family? we should know” like.. there’s worser they said but dear god. that house is so lgbtq+ phobic, im suprised. the homophobia, lesbophobia, biphobia, transphobia, etc was REAL and showing in that HOUSE and the whole convo was just utterly disgusting.

i had my own PERSONAL experiences, lemme keep it confidential between me, myself and I.

then she says “oh but do you like 🐱 (down there) or a 🍌 (a guys below)” ? like dont fucking sexualise me??

they kept outing me multiple times,, and keep bringing up that i am a GAY PERSON.

LEAVE ME ALONE?? then my sis had the audacity to say im making up “excuses” like you’re straight? stfu you are not GAY. don’t speak for me. ever heard of unattainable men? oh ofc not cause youre so ignorant lmfao

I hate it here so much...

y’all mfs need to understand, not every person who likes women is a fucking lesbian. People can be bi and have a gf / attraction to girls. and just like how having attraction to men doesn’t mean you’re “being gay” or “straight”. you can be bi, pan, omni, etc even ace and like men. NOT EVERYONE WHO HAS SAME SEX ATTRACTION IS GAY AND/OR LESBIAN. bi, etc people EXIST.

I feel so annoyed and upset, and they SAW my vents in my phone about everything that happened to me. like don’t go through my fucking phone w/o permission??? and then my friend blocked me cause she got jealous AFTER ALL OF THAT.

and this is ALL on christmas. YESTERDAY.

ffs this christmas is fucked up bruh.

I’m never coming out.

and then the way I said people can change lgbtq labels of their sexuality, nothing bad and then my family goes “but you aren’t cake? how the fuck can you change labels lmfao stop lying”

Well done, thanks for forcing a fucking person to come out and out me numerous times.

the only way I’ll come out in when I leave this fucking dungeon. now I can’t even like women anymore now cause i feel so disgusting....

i really need help to feel comfortable in being queer. im really going through a hard time and I need some support please.

[habitneedstod1e]

All for the past months have been doing is trying to help and everyone just looks at me like I'm stupid or I get yelled at which I know I shouldn't take personally but it just is soo fucking personal but I'm just seen as a whiney little bitch who's always angry and goddammit I'm just doing my best I've been so fucking stressed since we moved here I can barely fucking function on top of having a job with one of the worst bosses ever. Nan said she'd help with buying us a car but I almost don't want her to be yall know how they treat us having the phone I don't want to be stuck living by those rules and shit like I am now and have ANOTHER thing to have to pay her back. I can't even be in the same space as tim without wanting to punch a fucking wall like Kyle without a monster punching drywall he just gets so under my skin and God I could be more civil with my fucking RAPEIST than him that's how bad it is but than I'm seen as a whining little kid. I'm under constant stress of getting kickeKicked out over the stupidest of reasons like you can't keep doing that it just proves that I'm just a waste of space and not needed if my own family threats that everytime I express that I'm a fucking adult and not your little girl anymore but they only see me as that kid. They keeping taking the phone and I keep missing IMPORTANT shit like yes I know you pay for it but I two have a life and need it to fucking contact people like I'm just stuck with them with Noone my age aside from fucking work I just can't take it anymore but if I tell them this it's the threat of homelessness and I'm just a angry brat who's mother "failed" like yesterday she was mad that damis psychiatrist called mom after they talked like it's in the words coming out of your fucking mouth MOM SHES OUR MOTHER NOT YOU AND TIM IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT OUR FUCKING DAD But they try so hard to be and it sucks because somehow I'm in the wrong for all of it it's somehow my fault and ya I know I'm a argumentative bitch but seriously yall need to stop everything we (moreso I) is wrong in their eyes and I can't take it like yes I dress oddly for you and you say that people with be mean to me if I wear it but all I get is compliments and YOU ARE THE ONES BEING MEAN like ya threatening to kick me out for wanting to get piercings is bullshit my money my face not yours "but it looks like I raised you wrong" YOU DIDNT RAISE SHIT IF YOU WANTED TO BE FUCKING HELPFUL YOU COULD HAVE WENT TO FUCKING CPS WHEN YOU FOUND OUT WE WERE GETTING MOLESTED INSTED OF BELIVEING MOM THAT WE WENT IN THE WOODS WITH BOYS BUT NOO WE LIVED WITH HIM FOR 4 MORE FUCKING YEARS OF HELL AND YES IM STILL ABSOLUTELY PISSED THAT TIME DIDNT EVEN COME TO GRADUATION BECAUSE HE HAD A POKER GANE LIKE IM PROBABLY NOT EVER GOING TO ANOTHER SCHOOL AND THAT WAS A ONCE OF A LIFETIME EVENT BUT YA POKER I've only said I hate him once when I was a kid and now I WILL say it wholeheartedly because I hate him I truly do Sorry I legit can't bring any of this up to them because once again the threat of homelessness and "being a ungrateful brat"

[atlaskrr]

im scared im phasing into a depressive phase AGAIN. i dont wanna go back to when i couldnt even brush my teeth and sat on a window contemplating every day but it feels like i might. things are better but everything still feels so weird. yeah i have friends now but im just kind of there. i realize that my voice is just never loud enough. whenever i try and speak up or voice something not just to friends but in general nobody hears or listens to me i feel like i did when i was a kid again. and then someone else says what i said and theyre seen, people listen. worst part is its also my other friends so i just feel shitty of beung envious of them. i see people whove spent less time on their skills and just why are they so much better than me. i just realize how the person i click with best has their own friend group and then in my friend group my 2 friends click better together than i do with them so what am i then. and i have no mativation to do anything these days, nothing of worth anyways. so when im there and theyre talking its like im invisible and maybe i should just start talking and i try but sometimes nobody hears me and i dont feel like trying again in case they did but just didnt react or cause i didnt want to disturb their time with others or maybe i didnt speak up at all in the first place cause i feel so empty and tired which sounds so cringe amiright but how tf else do i describe it. i just want someone to ask me something or try and get me included why do i always have to take innitiative or question if somethings an open invite. thats just friends. at home my dad had an outburts, bruised my brother, and made my mom feel useless recently. then he starts acting all nice and ik hes just trying i mean his family are a bunch of trash but i just cant anymore. i feel like im the one breaking thw family apart now by being angry and spiteful and distant and i feel like im becoming my dad and the thought makes me want to throw up. but whenever i see myself acting nice to him because hes being nice it makes me want to throw up too because hes part of the reason my moms depressed. and i realize i dont even know who i am or what i want i lack the direction or long standing passions everyone else does. the only consistent thing i have is writing but i dont write a lot like other writers and nobody cares for it its not that impressive. ive managed to tone done my old tendency to tell small lies to seem like im so simillar to other people but its still there so in reality nobody really sees the true me (great im sounding cringe again but once again cannot find the words) i think thats why i love rp and writing sm because i can be someone with a set mould and identity. meanwhile im a walking contradiction with blurred lines. i think if i dissappeared people would be sad for a bit but theyd move on faster than youd think. it wouldnt be hard to go back to normal because i wasnt much part of it. maybe my parents would be the saddest but theyd be happier after no. worst part is i often put my emotional burden onto my friends and i feel like the shittiest person for venting so i think theyre nice out of pity. sometimes i exaggerate my problems so others feel more pity, so even if its not genuine ill feel like people care for me but at the same time i cant tell when im exaggerating or not. its more like leaving it vauge so i dont seem like the ungrateful bitch i am. cause my life isnt as bad as others so why am i crying and complaining. i come from a rich family with parents who are home more than other families. my parents are not pressureful and they are nice and i just lash out. i cant tell whats the truth of that situation anymore if im frank. i have a good amount of friends and a group, i have people to text and call. yet why do i still feel like this? i was just feeling happy yesterday. i really dont get it.

[mattslolita]

https://www.tumblr.com/mattslolita/749963365648154624/story-timeeee-so-when-i-was-10-this-boy-moved-to

OFCC! <3

AND I WOULD NEVERRR MAKE A MOVE FIRST IM A PUSSY LMFAO

he also told me to stand on the other side of the pavement (sidewalk for u americans 😘) so i dont get killed by a car LOL

AND UPDATEEEE

so since like the start of may hes been super ill like sore throat, cough and shit like that yk. yesterday he had a blood test done to see if hes like dying or smth 😭

ANYWAY MAIN PART!

today i woke up feeling like i cba to turn up to schl (i never can but YK) AND he also didnt go which was a crazy coincidence. i msgd him asking if he was alright and told him i wasnt gonna be in. he said same cuz he feels dead and instead told me to come round.

and we were sitting on his bed against the head board when he said hes rly tired then he decided to lean against my shoulder.😚BITCH FELL ASLEEP! FOR LIKE AN HOUR ASWEL BRO! he woke up cuz his mum knocked on the door telling us she made us lunch (i love her) he went to the toilet and i came downstairs and she said to me that she thought i was a nice person and how shes happy her son didnt bring home a "little bitch" 🤣🤣

we ate then went back to his room for like an hour listening to music (he likes lil tjay 🥹) and talking abt stuff. his mates were calling us for like 5 minutes and they kept screaming shit like 'he loves u' , 'get tgthr already' then when i had to go he told me we should do baking next time when hes better. he also said i looked pretty today (screaming 🥵)

SIDENOTE-

this girl was telling me that i snitched on her to some girl abt the fact she was talking shit abt her?? LIKE IM SORRY HOW AM I THE PROBLEM IN THIS LMAO!? u talk shit abt someone im gonna tell them (depends on the situation but this bitch is 2 faced so she pretends she likes the other girl when in reality she hates her)

i iterally told her to calm tf down and that she was the issue here and not me cuz wdym im in the wrong for telling someone u were talking shit?🥱 it wasnt even just like 'oh shes ugly', 'oh she has no friends' it was like personal shit that DID NOT NEED TO MADE KNOWN TO HALF THE FUCKING WORLD now, so whys she telling everyone like its any of her buisness!! i HATEEEE ppl like that it makes me CRAZY!!

OH EM GEEEEEE HE SO WANTS U CAUSE HE DIDNT DENY LIKING YOU WHEN HIS FRIENDS WERE SAYING IT !!

and as for the girl, you did the right thing telling people she was talking shit, bc it sucks being friends w someone & whole time they sneak dissing behind ur back & you don't know it !!

KEEP ME UPDATED W THE GUY !!

[babymorte]

Oh yeah get the comfort game thing. I still have Halo 2 to get through and keep getting sucked back into Minecraft lol. And the worst part is Halo used to be my comfort game. Maybe I'm just getting old 🤣

And making connections is a pain in the ass, my circle of friends is small enough I can count them on one hand and have fingers left over. I'm 41 and still don't know what the hell I'm doing lol. I know your not that old so you still have time to figure it out😊.

I'm not going to go into some long winded speech on how "you're better than them" or "It's going to be alright" or anything because honestly I'm just some dumbass with shitty social skills so my advice really isn't worth much. But I will say don't change who you are just to be the person they want, But do change if its something "you" really want or helps you.

Just from what I've seen of you on here you seem like a really nice and friendly person. And whether you're quirky, weird, or even a bitch😁 I hope you find people who like you just as you are and I guess the most important part of that is them not be assholes lol. Also if you learn any tricks on how to make friends that stick around please let me know 😂

But I will stop bugging you now and leave you with a gif of our cat attacking my arm lol

it’s wild how your game tastes can change when you age. usually I play the og resident evil remake or re3 remake but since putting my ps5 on the big tv and hardwiring my xbox for when i played halo I just dont play my ps5 as much anymore so I’m playing older games I haven’t played in a while and madness returns and timesplitters 2 are my go tos since I don’t get bored of them easily. I replayed the campaign for ts2 Sunday night and it only took me like 40min since I can play it with my eyes closed. I need to get back to halo3 as well I just went back to CE to try and do some achievement hunting but because im so bad at it im not really getting any of the achievements. Im sure I’ll get them eventually though since im at least somewhat comfortable with playing it.

ah yea you’ve got quite a few years on me but I am hopeful that when I do reach your age I won’t be as reserved or at the very least not care enough to be so whether or not I have a circle of my own. my circle is more of a line that stretches two inches in front of me. like I recently just learned that someone who often treats me terribly considers me to be one of their best and closest friends so that the sort of long lasting friendships that im pulled into. I didn’t really even consider us friends aside from by association if im being honest. but at the same time i get overwhelmed by people very easily so im not too bothered about whether or not I’ll be making new friends in the future. its really just not worth it at this point. but honestly the some of the most sound advice ive gotten. I don’t know if my dumb brain will let me follow it but i will try to take it to heart at the very least. im still the same person on the inside. that i cant change. but im not going to let just anyone see that side of me anymore. it’s not worth the trouble im constantly getting myself into. im sure I’ll sabotage myself even more by doing this but at the very least it will show who actually wants me as a person in a sense. at least thats my thought process behind it. it’s all just very confusing honestly but I’ll figure it out eventually im sure. I always do. im just gonna hold out hope anymore and whatever happens happens. for my own sake i cant be bothered anymore by this sort of thing. like an anon said yesterday im always in some sort of drama and im just honestly so sick of it. if I do figure out any tricks to get people to stay I’ll definitely help you out though…i hope you’ll do the same for me.

you’re definitely not bugging me in the slightest. your kitty is the absolute cutest though and looks like a proper snuggle bug.

[whatsupwither]

#9 It.Got.Worse. :D

It's been a while but trust me when I say things didn't get better. After the whole Ian thing I actually didn't really stop talking with him. I just decided to stop starting our messages. ofc that didn't stop him. He decided to get things steamier again but this time I decided to just tell him how I feel about it. He was okay with it and I was hoping this would make him stop talking to me, well he still does for a while. I thought I should just let it be as it is. I had a meet up with an old childhood friend and decided to tell him about Ian. These were his exact words to me: "You Dumb Fucking Bitch... I'm sorry... But did you really lose your head because you're attracted to him?" I never wanted to scream before. Turns out you can actually screen record ig pictures and videos wihtout the other person finding out. He probably did and did everything I said he would. FUCK FUCK FUCKKKKK!!!!

That's when I decided to just kick him out of my life basically. I'm done with him. It doesn't help that my cat, has been with me for 11 years, is dying. I honestly would love to just call Ian and talk and vent but he can go fuck himself. I've been crying everyday now and it got to the point where people are telling me that I look very tired at practice.

Jeremy is back btw. turns out he is not away for good (which I kinda hope he will). We rolled here and then but yesterday, i was again just the two of us in the elevator and we have our usual banter and right before we go on our ways, he sort of egged on me for not being nice on the elevator, so I decided to say something nice and thought fuck it might as well tell him a bit of how I feel so I told him that I actually sometimes wanna kiss him. and I left immediately after HAHA. I regret saying it. I should've said somethign extra mean and tell him thats the nicest he's gonna get.

Well turns out its mutual because he dmed that night and told me he felt the same way. we continued talking for a bit and I told him about when he invited me over and how I wanted to kiss him then and we both sort of decided during our chat it was for the best we both dont try anything.

I'll be avoiding him for awhile now. and when we do meet, I'm definitely gonna pretend like nothing happen and just give him as much as a cold shoulder as I possibly can. It's not because I don't like him, its to keep things less awkward and more friendly ig. He had the audacity to mention how he'll break my heart and everything... cute. very cute. I'm attracted to him, sure, but I don't like him that way. I can't even imagine myself with him nor do I have the desire to have a future with him. I'm not afraid to say that yes, I wanna do more than kiss him, and I am not at all concerned about liking him but I am about being awkward right after or ruining what we already have. I don't think Im a casual relationship type of person either, I wouldn't feel comfortable moving forward like that so probably best to keep things the way it is. I do feel better now with where we are because we've talked and pretty much agreed its whats best.

Wish me luck.

[082112]

I told Nirali today that I decided to leave Outer Coast.

Context: for the past week or two I’ve been having horrible anxiety and it’s brought up all these horrible things inside me. I was afraid I was socially deficient and that I was vain and unimportant and had something wrong with me and would be consigned to a life of being secondary and being lonely, and perceived even normal activities or coincidences as slights against me from people or from the universe. I wanted to leave, and I told my parents and all my friends back home. I’ve been quite short and terse in classes this entire week to all my teachers. Yesterday after crying in front of Nirali admitting just a tiny fraction of this, I called home and then typed out a long rant while crying, lying perfectly horizontal facing the wall in my bed, until my literal eyeballs hurt. I showed up 5 minutes late to SB meeting clearly having bawled out my eyes too. Some excerpts from said rant:

gonna drop out of this microcollege because it’s actually been destroying my mental health and self image for the past few weeks

and i’m constantly convinced something is wrong with me socially

how violently angry and petulant my reaction [to being extended an offer to connect and spend time together with a teacher] was is a clear sign i’m not okay and clearly have some unmitigated issues. but every experience of someone else in my cohort having friends or a good time seems to me like clear evidence that i’m a social failure who isn’t strong enough to see what i do through (re: dropping out) and is cowardly enough to run away from things instead of actually confronting them

like. what if there’s something wrong with me and everyone that has loved me and chose to know me, ever, is because i got lucky

and the reasons i keep telling myself to stay are “i need a transcript from this microcollege so grad schools can see im not bumming around” “maybe my teacher here can write me a good letter of rec for grad school” “how am i gonna explain this to the x scholarship committee that my character and personal failings were so great I dropped out of something I intentionally walked into and was so excited for and told all my friends about when in fact I just acted like a huge petty loser at the end and ran away”

and my god. what if someone at this place saw through all the pleasant smiles and intellect and reflexive laughter and they saw the jealousy and insecurity and anger and fear. wouldn’t that be horrible?

I also texted Sun and Huitzilin about how I wanted to leave. Huitzilin actually told me about their experience too, which reinforced my decision, and I think by the end of the night I had made up my mind I was going to go.

Conversation excerpts from me, there:

Ugh. Is it crazy to feel like you’re losing your personhood? I feel like I should be experiencing the opposite at a place where we’re supposed to be learning radical new ways of understanding the world. But I keep on feeling like the opposite where I’m just a body with obligations to “community partners” and “class” instead of an actual conviction to do these things. And I was so excited originally too!

I also feel mildly insane for the thoughts of like “but no transcript?” (Said in the tone of no bitches? no head?) and like “if I only stayed for 10wks it doesn’t seem impressive enough as a full semester” and “what if everyone learns something life changing the day I leave and I am the only one who was left out on the Forbidden Mysterious knowledge” and shit 📲💁🏻‍♀️🤣👍😅😋👍

yes!! I have talked to my parents incessantly about this because like. I have ALL these reasons to stay. and I’ve been beating myself up over like not being excited enough about them or whatever

but at the same time the only thing that sort of makes me feel better is the thought of leaving

Which probably says something about like, how I’m doing. And maybe my need to go DESPITE all these fun shiny experiences I could have while staying

And so today I woke up having decided that I am going to leave, and lay in bed until around 11:30 just idly on my phone (cancelled my hatchery service and everything), called my mom to tell her I decided to leave, emailed Nirali for an extra meeting, took a shower, went to lunch, went to class.

In class we had some guests, and Matthew talked about a tough event that had happened yesterday - a pair of shoes belonging to a past SJ student was found on campus during construction - and so the Kiks.ádi clan was going to come today and do a ceremony. Our guest Yeilt’ooch’ Tláa shared a really beautiful phrase they used in the Yukon:

Which she wrote and I approached her after to annotate. She had this amazing air to her that felt so welcoming and kind and grateful and it made me feel very happy to talk to her briefly. I found it tremendously beautiful and moving. In this context she said it to the people of history, I think, the people that lived on SJ campus, and the idea that we will not leave you all behind - as in we will not forget you, we will not leave you behind in the past. But she says it’s used for many occasions in the Yukon, not just for the recognition and bearing of history. Teenagers, she said, will say it to each other. If you have a 12-year-old that is slow. If you have a group of people running together. Hél is another version of Tlél (lit. translation “not”), yee is the second person plural, nák_ is “to leave behind,” and gax_too.aat is “we will” + “go” (used in reference to multiple people, who are us).

I thought about this for a while and was moved. I think this is a sentiment I will carry too. It’s reassuring to hear. It makes you feel cared for. And it’s very powerful, too. I thought about all the ways I wanted to bear history and the people I did not want to leave behind in it: my family, my predecessors on this continent, people in the world whose legacy or way of being I inherit, in one way or another, unto myself. And then I started thinking about how I could co-opt this for graduate school admissions (Histories of women? Queerness? Diaspora? Some other buzzword?) and now as I write this I feel mildly terrible about that.

(Quick aside: being here has gifted me a beautiful lexicon. “Ways of knowing,” “ways of being,” “holding things,” and so on. Haa kusteeyí, I think they spell it in Tlingit. Not sure on that though.)

Anyway, after class I approached Nirali and told her that I had decided I was leaving, and she told me that I was a gift, to which I asked for a hug and tried very hard not to cry. And then she was off to the ceremony and I was off to sit in my room and browse the CSmajors Reddit. Matthew said there would be a drum circle down at the docks at 5 and so a little bit before 5 I went down to the docks. I saw the ceremony still going while walking down so I mildly but did not particularly expect them.

I sat on the dock and looked at the setting sun and listened to the Oh Hellos.

I also talked into the SSP server about said feelings. At this point I was having a really lovely day because I had learned that wonderful phrase earlier and the sunset and sitting on the dock was very beautiful. I noticed the tide was very low so I walked down the path next to the science center onto the beach. The water had receded further than I had ever seen before, maybe fifty feet back, and plenty of rocks with barnacles and seaweed and sea grass (I was rather taken by how pretty and silky it looked) and mussels were all exposed. I spent maybe 10 minutes walking in this low tide zone. I tried to climb a large rock but my shoes kept slipping and so I made a smart decision to slide on my butt back down. Then I freaked myself out by telling myself waterlines always recede dramatically before tsunamis and scampered back up to SJ campus. (I’m pretty sure tsunamis are also preceded by earthquakes and that we get notifications for them if we can detect them, but hey anxiety, my old friend.)

While walking back I saw the mountains behind SJ campus. I think it was one of the Sisters. They were tall and pink-shadowed and very beautiful.

I then met with one of my SSP mentees to work on her early action essays, had dinner, found out the drum circle happened ten minutes after I’d left, felt mildly betrayed, and met with my other SSP mentee. I called my mom briefly to tell her about how great of a day I’d had and how it made me feel conflicted about leaving again. Now I keep thinking: but today was so lovely. If I have days like today, I don’t want to leave. There must be many more beautiful things that are waiting in the future here. Won’t I be missing all these new ways of knowing?

Afterwards I went into Jazz’s room and tried to tell her about leaving, but Ben came in and asked us to go to Pell’s. Normally I would say no thank you. But I was thinking, I’m leaving and I haven’t even been to Pell’s. So we went to Pell’s (I wore 4 layers on top and 2 layers on the bottom). It was very cold.

The stars were very beautiful. I was informed that at Samsing cabin everyone could a) see even more stars, even the Milky Way and b) everyone smoked weed together. One part was surprising to me. I did not know that.

I then begged to go on the docks to see the stars better. Apparently the aurora was supposed to be visible on the horizon tonight, but the mountains and town are north and we did not see much. Ben suggested the tennis courts, so we lay down there and I told them that I wanted to leave. Neither of them seemed very surprised and both were very supportive. Then I told them about how I was having second thoughts because of how nice a day I was having, to which Ben empathized. “I had the most fun when I thought I was leaving,” he said. “It was because I thought fuck it and just started doing things.” I agreed. I had just done that with Pell’s.

We also made it a bit down to the docks (it was very slippery, as a thin sheet of frost was intermingled with the top layer of wood) before we went back to Yaw because the other two people had to piss. Afterwards we dragged 3 sleeping pads outside to lie in the grass and look at the stars more. I told Jazz a bit of how horribly I was feeling these past 2 weeks and how I was worried there was something wrong with me. She was very kind and was like, “why didn’t you tell me! It helps to have someone there for you!” to which I was only able to sort of say something about pride and fear and not being able to ask for things in the thick of it.

The truth is that I think I keep pride and fear (and a few other relatives) so intensely close to me, so constantly, that they become my silence. And I really need to work on that. I think I will stick it through and leave. And I know I am leaving because I had such an awful experience with mental health these past few weeks which made me so sad to be here, in such a beautiful place. And I know that that experience happened because I was in a hard place, and I have been carrying a lot of weight, and I need to learn to listen to myself and be more kind to myself. I am horrible and ruthless to myself and I really deserve better. I think I have many parts of myself that are wonderful and gentle and good. But when I get so into my head, all I can do is think about how horrible I am and how vain and shallow and insubstantial I think myself to be. And I don’t really deserve that.

So I think I’m going to follow through with leaving. I need to figure out how to tell the rest of SB and staffulty. To be honest, I kind of really don’t want to. Especially after such a good day. And the kindness and warmth people bring on purpose here. Ben said that it’s hard to leave community. It’s hard to find a place where people genuinely care for you like they do here. And I think that is very true. I wish I spoke to staffulty more, picked their brains more, asked them more questions. But perhaps if I had stayed here and hurted I still would have left unsatisfied and resentful and unconnected. In this sense I think I would like to try again (not necessarily by repeating any experiences, but trying again as in connecting with others again) once I work with myself a little more.

I will miss this tremendously. Already I have a fear that I will never find a place like this in the world again. But I also think it is not wrong to go home. To rest - truly rest - and to ask myself how I can begin to heal. I don’t want to frame this as me blaming myself for ruining this experience with my weakness with respect to mental health or fortitude. Rather just that I am hurting. That is not a fault of mine. It’s hard for me to believe this, even as I’m typing this out in live time. But this is the truth. I did not blow this for myself because I am weak. Instead I am taking care of myself because I have been hurting for a long time. And Outer Coast is not perfect. There is a lot they could have done better. But I do not regret coming here at all. I have acquired many really wonderful experiences and ways of knowing. And I think I have taken a step in the direction of understanding myself the way I did before I went to MIT. That is very lovely and I am glad for it.

I think a lot of the questions are: how do I be truly, actively kinder to myself? How do I live and accept myself as-is? How do I stop taking everything and blaming it on myself as a personal failing? How do I begin to let go of pain? How do I learn to live in the present instead of running towards the future?

Oh, if only not for my stack of unread books… how am I gonna pack everything?!!