#and im in the top 1.4% of candidates rn and im so so so afraid and idek if i want it in the first place
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it's so awkward to b the only rural kid in this competition. all of the city kids will have 3 internships, 5 clubs, 2 sports and a part-time job and ur just there like :|
#this is where i would put my extracurriculars.... IF I HAD ANY#fr there r so many times where i just have to b like “we dont have that” or “i cant do that” :/#and i feel rlly lazy but it's also like .. how am i supposed to have all of these activities if they arent available to me#at the same time tho i feel like if i end up winning then it's because im their sort of rural representative#like the one kid they put thru so they can go see!! it doesnt matter!! u can b from the country!!#esp bc im trans :/ like i wanna win but i feel inadequate and im justifying that by arguing that im getting by on pity lmao#or.. not “pity” per se#but i cant remember the word#honestly i feel like im just afraid of winning#bc this scholarship requires so much work after getting it#im afraid that once the interviews r over and i get the scholarship and im left to do that work theyre gonna realise that im not that great#ik this sounds rlly dramatic but it is a . HUGE scholarship#and im in the top 1.4% of candidates rn and im so so so afraid and idek if i want it in the first place#i mean . i DO want it#but ive been looking forward to moving away n going to school and being free of all of the pressures i put on myself in ms and hs#like all of the work i put in to get here is done and now i can be a real person for the first time#and to have a scholarship monitoring my academic performance and holistic growth and volunteering and everything else#it feels like an extension of everything i want to get away from#but at the same time it's a full ride. it's a lot of internships here and abroad and a lot of connections#i dont know what i would do if i got it#but i dont know what i would do with myself if i didnt#ik this is such a dumb thing 2 b upset abt esp bc im so lucky that it's even a possibility for me#idk .#school stuff
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