#and im glad i am! learning and growth and change is so important and good and im glad im able to spend time thinking about this and working

[rememberthelaughtermp3]

realising that the reason why identifying with only one gender and being perceived as being exclusively only one single gender makes me deeply uncomfortable and identifying as one and then the other and always longing to be the one im not was all probably because i have multiple genders that i identify with and forcing myself into one of them will never work out for me and ill always feel incomplete without both.

[rrxnjun]

i just want to know why is it so rare tho?😭and so true every 03 liner i see has a special place in my heart!!! and yeah we are pretty similar in that🤭🤭

i just get angry when i do it but it also calms me in some way idk dude it's a whole mess lmao😔THATS MY PROBLEM AS WELL but i'm trying to learn whenever i get impatient to just leave it and continue when im in the mood again!!! ahh writing is hard tbh so u have all of my respect actually!!! like every time i have to write something i just rush it and never look back on it cuz i cringe so much🤣so genuinely hats off to u!! (and i also saw what u reblogged earlier so i just want to say that i love ur storylines and how u just write the emotions and the people in them!!!) more plants are always amazing🥳🥳 i'm glad free styling works for u!! tbh i never knew how to look up how to actually take care of what plant so i think free styling is the only option🤣 thank u for wishing luck!!💘 if u tell me ur fav colors i would actually make one and just send a pic to u of it once i get back to my hobbies sometime in may (and this is an ask for help cuz i never have ideas on what colors to use.-. and i will keep it in the name of u lmao😌)

WILL SEND U ALL OF THE PIXELS OF HIM!!!!

actually being a silly like that is so fun in a way ngl (i am in the biggest parasocial relationship known to mankind with sunwoo from theboyz and i would never change that fact lmao love being silly like that) yeahhh it's so great to just see how much growth they had since then!!!🥹🥹but i genuinely don't understand how they just get better and better each time they do a cb:o

GOOD LUCK WITH UR EXAMS!!!!!! they are more important than that drabble so I HOPE U WILL DO GREAT IN ALL OF THEM!!!

thank u🥹🥹🥹u are not pressuring me at all so thank u for that as well🥹💞and also thank u for welcoming me with open arms!!! i think i get closer to getting of anon every time i send an ask/reply🫡

no problem cuz i'm also very late with my reply so sorry😟 exams suck so much!! i hope u will only have better weeks than that then!!! i hope u are doing well as well and that u will ace all of ur exams!!😌💗💖💓 (liebestraum anon🥳💞💗)

bro thats me with art omg 😭😭😭 its like a weird mix of rage impatience but at the same time relaxation and creativity altho i havent drawn or done any art in ages 😔💔 SJSJS sometimes when i read back my work i cringe too,, esp my older fics but considering that i write the content i wanna see i read my own fics sometimes LMAO so theres that. thank u so much for complimenting my storylines and emotions i think those are the two main things i focus on in my writing 🥺💓 also my fav colors and combos are literally anything + white (esp black, red and blue) and also cream, sage green and shades of gray 😌😌 keep it and wear it like a declaration of love to me /j

now. to the topic that i already hinted at during our convo on my main- our similar taste because tell me why am i the biggest bitch for sunwoo i dont fucking stan the boyz??? LOOK AT THIS DJSJSJSK

i fully support your parasocial relationship with him i am actually your biggest fan 💓 BUT SUNWOO IS A DEVIL EVERY TIME I SEE HIM I HAVE TO TAKE A MOMENT BC OH LORD-

thank u!!! i have one final down (got an A from it ❤❤❤) but i have 5 more to go and it only gets more difficult LMAOO so ill be back to writing in june hopefully :')

DJSJS was actually so glad to see u on mosviqu too i am happy you are getting more comfortable 💓 hope youre doing well im cheering u on always!!

[artreider]

Station 19 rewatch: 4x14

Going to try to do another rewatch before my family wakes up. We have a lot to do today and there is a dark cloud over the house after loaing our cat this week. Here's hoping i can get through one of my favorite episodes before they get up.

Surrera is so cute here and the whole food thing, like girl where is our payoff on this baby that was so clearly teased. Or is there another medical condition that could be blamed on her excessive eating.

Im so glad maya and andy are friends again. I loge their friendship.

I'm glad andy acknowledges that getting married doesnt fix things; but i worry that if maya and carina hit a rough patch, andy will remind maya of this conversation or use her own issues with sullivan and their marriage as an i told you so.

Danielle is beautiful but does anyone else think she lost weight, random question but just looking at her in her uniform there she seems smaller and it worries me. Didnt really notice last time i watched this episode but am i alone in this.

Oh carina baby you so dont want to go. I just want to hug you.

Jack is so cute, he deserves a family so much but i really do fear he'll be killed off.

Im surprised ben reached out to Sullivan instead of dean.

I love this outfit on maya. Carina your girl is flirting with you and thinking of happier times, engage with her.

I love that maya opens up with carina about her dad and the protests and the happenings in the world with him. It shows so much growth and im here for it. Also anyone else annoyed that one carina answered gabriella's phone call when maya is opening up to her and two that she didnt turn it off for their last few hours together.

The look of like disappointment/devestation on maya's face when carina answers the call and walks away from her is too much hurt.

So sad that bailey isnt there and that ben is alone for even a second of this.

I'm glad andy and sullivan came to be there with ben. Like i get why they wanted andy but im sad after ben and Dean's episode dean wasnt there.

Oh jack, i dont even know what to say besides oh jack lol.

The drama with trash girl is too much lmao. I know its important for jack/inara but its just too much.

Carina packing up her knives being a trigger for maya like she's leaving forever is heartbreaking.

Carina snapping at maya hurts, dont be mean to baby. Also the kitchen sign is totally carina's doing and though she hadnt confided in maya yet that she is her home its a dead giveaway.

I really need screen grabs of the changing words on the sign.

The kids talk, the coming out talk and the marriage talk are all things that should not be done while packing or doing anything else.

Wait it totally sounded like she said "it felt pregnant" lmao or i just have babies on the brain.

Now carina being flirty and maya not reciprocating.

Maya you shouldve pushed the marriage talk now if it was what you really wanted. Instead of letting carina drop the i never wanted to get married bomb and walk away.

Andy and ben together, this friendship is beautiful. I feel like it took several seasons for ben to really get in good the team. Im trying to think of other moments besides the prt support and such when he really connected with folks before this season and none come to mind. He has been an outlier from my memory, tell me im wrong with examples please.

Lmao "you slept with my wife which means we are in a pod", things a pandemic makes funny.

Thats just wrong, giving gibson shit still. Dont hit the puppy with the newspaper when he's doing nothing wrong.

Once again with gabriella, seriously carina turn off your phone and be present with maya and maya alone.

Maya's jealousy is everything. This argument ugh, so good and just the tip of the iceberg.

I hope that maya does take the month break and the months after to really get to know the us immigration system and what it will take for carina to become an american citizen as well as learn more italian. I dont need her fluent but id love to see her use some italian with carina. She lost her brother who she spoke to in her native tongue itd be nice for her to gain that in her wife.

I love how carina stops herself as she raises her voice at maya, like she realizes it may be triggering to maya. I really do think the show and actresses put in a lot in this episode to show how well they know each other and have grown. I feel like they talk more even if we dont see it and maya is working on her issues with carina's love and support. I also do love how this argument ends though ;)

Once again maya opening up and finally carina is there and not sidetracked. And its nice carina opens up as well.

Ben's dream with the different versions of himself and his mom is funny and heartbreaking.

Joey in the dream lmao.

The nice thing about ben is if he gets hurt on the job and cant be a firefighter anymore he has other professions to fall back on.

Oh jack. I just want you to get your happy ending.

I still think its so weird to be talking about jack after they had sex but im glad they are in a place that is so comfortable and can laugh about him.

Once again another bomb dropped, kids. This is something that needs to be discussed properly.

Oh maya dont drop the marriage bomb like that. And i guess i dont underatand the outrage of the "just because", like why would carina think it was anything but that when it was dropped on her like that and after she said she didnt want to get married. This fight is so much about misunderstandings and hurtful comments.

I get how maya's fear gets the best of her here especially after carina said they just moved in together because they didnt want to be apart (asif that is a bad thing) and it was bureaucracy.

And i can understand why maya's fear hurts carina but they both needed to take a minute to breathe and try to talk it out.

I do like when carina tells maya to breathe, again like she knows her triggers and feels maya is on the verge of a panic attack.

If carina felt she married maya when she moved in i really dont see the harm in making it official. Would her having been moved out in italy for 6 months or more have felt like a divorce. I really need to know more about her logic here.

I agree why not just do it.

You've both said enough carina. I hate that she just walks away, so un carina like.

How did jack end up at the hospital? Was he called or what?

Andy is such a good friend this episode, checking on everyone.

Gabriella is so right noone wants to be proposed to the way maya kind of did. Like i cant help but wonder how carina would've taken a true proposal.

Im so glad gabriella spoke some truth to carina and turned her around on the marriage idea.

If we let the wrong decisionss rule how we live our lives things in the world would be so different. Less babies possibly and fewer marriages among other things.

Once again andy being a good friend this episode.

If carina hadnt shown up im curious what maya's next move wouldve been after talking to andy.

Love the proposal and love how its carina who announces they are getting married.

[kiefbowl]

Hi, im 23 and my boyfriend is 44. We've been together for just over a year and have been good together, we have open communication and mutual respect. I guess I'm just wondering, in your opinion, because I respect you and value your thought processes, if its still wrong or predatory? I love him very much, he seems to love me too. Am I being naive?

Thank you for the appreciation. I’d like to put a caveat up front that I can’t know what your relationship looks like, and the only one who knows what it’s like and how healthy it is is you. Additionally, a relationship can have healthy qualities and unhealthy qualities, and good people can have a bad relationship. Healthy parts doesn’t mean the whole is good. 

No, I don’t think you’re being naive. I don’t think there’s any value judgement to attach to a 23 year old entering a relationship with a 44 year old. It does make my eyebrows raise. I find it extremely difficult to believe a 44 year old and a 23 year old have a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship. I don’t think it’s impossible for large age gaps to exist in a healthy relationships necessarily, but when it happens with someone in their 20s, that rings alarm bells to me. Your 20s are still formative years, and it can be hard to see that while you’re living them. There’s a lot of growth you’re going to do before you turn 30. Your career probably hasn’t really taken root yet, your earning potential is going to (probably) increase (maybe even very drastically at some point), you probably don’t really own a lot of stuff and the stuff you own is most likely not all that important to you or of good quality, you’re still young enough to be under your parents insurance, your credit is likely not that great (not that it’s bad, but age of credit lines is a big factor in your credit score), among other admin things that might not seem that big of a deal but do help you form an identity. When I was 23, my responsibility as a consumer was nonexistent because I was poor, at points unemployed, at points living at home...it’s only in the past few years I could start challenging myself to live up to my values and a sense of character that’s important to me as a consumer because I can move around the world more freely. It comes with money, but also career position. So that’s one aspect of being 23...

The other aspect of being 23 is you are very, very, very young, and even without a lot of money it can be very fun to be very, very, very young. It can be a lot of fun being older, too. I’m not old, by any means, but from this point in my life looking forward I’m much more excited to get older than I was at 23. At 23 I dreaded it because it felt like I was running out of time to be young. You get older and you learn to accept it and you realize how much in your life can change in a short time and you realize there’s wisdom, position, and status to gain in each decade of your life. Obviously, not every one is fortunate and not everyone is going to have increasing good fortune as they age, but regardless of what you make or do, you learn and grow as you get older, and I think it’s easier to appreciate as your enter your 30s. So don’t worry about getting older, but let me tell you 23 is FUN. 

23 was also the worst year of my life. I couldn’t afford chicken nuggets. But my friends and I were also working a crummy starbucks job that gave me almost no responsibility. I would wake up at 11, smoke weed and eat cereal, watch netflix, walk to work, work 2:30 - 11, then go out to a bar with my friends and eat cheap wings until 2 am, go home and play with my cat and go to bed literally whenever in an apartment with no furniture to take care of. I’d be off on a random weekday and grab another random friend who was off to go on day trip in their shitty car to Milwaukee for the hell of it, or go take a long walk on the beach listening to music all day, or go downtown and go to a museum on a discount day because no one was there, or ride my bike in the summer sun to nowhere in particular in the middle of the day because people were at work, and then come back home and do fuck all. Then I’d do it all again, plus steal croissants from work and drink endless coffee all day. And it didn’t matter, I could wake up the next day energized. Yes, I was stressed out, and I didn’t always appreciate the joy that can be found in that life because of it also sucked ass, but the energy and fortitude you have as a young 20 something is a beautiful thing to live through. I wouldn’t go back to that life now having the space I’ve made myself in the world, but I love thinking back to it and I’m glad it happened. I had to work really really hard to carve my little place in the world (and I’m not done yet!!), but there was a moment right before I hit the pavement to make that happen where my life felt endless, fresh, uninhibited, palpable. 23 has a different freedom than 30 for me. Money allows me to move in the world freely at 30, time allowed me to move in the world freely at 23. At 23, you can do dumb things, party, hang out, be lazy, be reckless, make quick decisions, change your mind...and it’s good, not bad. It’s learning, and it’s fun. It’s celebration, and it gives you hard lessons worth learning.

A relationship is a lot of responsibility, and it can take the place of some of that youthful freedom. That’s not always a bad thing, love can be very fulfilling. When you’re strapped for cash, it can also be financially helpful. Two 20-somethings joining forces can get each other on their feet to be independent at a time it’s a struggle to do it alone. You’re in the same boat, you have the same struggle. But a 44 year old isn’t experiencing life the same way you are. And believe me, 44 year olds know that. A litmus test to to your bf’s intentions might be how he talks about that fact. Does it ever come up? Does he speak about it freely? Does he laud it over you or do you share experiences with each other like companions?

This isn’t the only factor to consider when trying to figure out if your bf is “predatory” in your words. Who your boyfriend may be and his intentions aren’t the only thing to consider when you want to figure out if you should be in a relationship with him. Who YOU are is equally important. I don’t know a 23 year old who wasn’t different the very next year. I don’t know a 24 year old who wasn’t different the very next year. I don’t know a 25 year old who wasn’t different the very next year. Maybe that’s true for every year, but the differences between my life one year to the next between 20 - 26 were striking. I walked out on two jobs when I had nothing in my bank account simply because “fuck this”....this year I was terrified to lose my job because what about my retirement fund. I work for “the man” now when 6 years ago I caused a mass walk out at work. I’m probably not going to have a radically different life next year. That wasn’t true of my early 20s. The switch from “my life is a mess but it can be anything” to “next year I should start a will and keep care of my assets” happens quicker than you think. Is he letting you live that life right now? Is he encouraging it? Believe me, you can be a mess at any age (and it can be a fun mess, too), and you aren’t old at 30 or even 40 or honestly even 50, you’re just not as tided to things in your 20s. Is he clipping your wings to be kept, or is he letting you fly recklessly into the sun just so you can see how far is too far? You just can’t get 23 back. It’s a lot harder to crash and burn and then pop back up without a scratch after your 20s. Does he want to crash and burn with you? Will he even let you without him? Does he know if you go out into the world young and messy you might learn a lesson or two that makes won’t make him appealing to you anymore? Is his love coming from a place where he wants you to thrive by your own mistakes? Is he excited to watch you walk out the door to take on a new day blind but fearless, just so you can come home and tell him the adventure you took and how it changed you? Or does he find that childish, exhausting, unfitting? Does he want to see you grow into “his” adulthood? Does he need you to fit into his established life more than he wants to live and work beside your unestablished life? I couldn’t even date someone younger with your age difference. They would be 8. But would I tell an 8 year old not to learn to ride a bike because I can just give them a ride in my car, or would I tell them it’s worth learning even though I know they’re going to scratch their knees up? If I loved an 8 year old, I know to see them thrive they have to scratch their knees up a little and I can’t get in the way of it, or they might not learn to ride their bike to take long rides in the summer sun. 

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

there's soemtbign so attractive about D2 being the sequel to Agust D . when Iisten to agust d , all I can hear is so much fucking pain and regret and angst . the last , the title track , give it to me . it's overwhelming sometimes the intensity of the emotions in it .

then we have d2 right . it's relaxed . it feels like hes let go of so much of the anguish in him . I'm just imposing here . but there is so much more calmness in him right ? in d2 he's way more talking about things like his growth than the people who affected it . he's fwlkig but him as a lyricist as a band member as someone who has a dream but can't really feel it anymore as someone who's finally feeling himself turn into an adult .

I think it reassures me that he's around the right people , to have his emotions so much more calmer . not that I didnt think he wouldn't have gotten the help he needed but , it feels good to know that he has such a good support system .

as someone who's literally trying not to think about death everyday its comforting to be around honsool and 28 and people and set me free . when im hurting or frustrated or just emotionally blocked i listen to agust d . its crazy how much music affects me . and I'm so grateful I found bts .

what are ur opinions/expectations from the solo mixtwpes ? I feel lik each one will have such diverse sounds !!

You might know already, but this blog is named after 'People' by Agust D. If you read 'heartspace' you'll know that song is important to me in many ways. I am always listening to music while writing and in general. I don't only listen to BTS. Sometimes, when I can't see my own inner turmoil, the music I'm currently listening to is how I know I'm suffering.

When it comes to Yoongi's mixtapes, he has said before he was in two different places mentally when writing them. People change all the time. I'm glad he's allowed to release them and that he lets us to see a little glimpse of his life and his thoughts. I'm not someone who has expectations, but rather I appreciate what he was willing to share.

I enjoyed the first one, but the second one really shocked me. I appreciate he sings / raps in Korean because honestly the similar thinking patterns of him and I spook me. Not sure if I can take it if he suddenly started speaking in English to me, I would prefer to struggle myself lol. 'People' is my favorite, then '28', 'What Do You Think?', 'Daechwita'. I like how he celebrated his own culture and made it the title song. And I feel like someone is going to ask me, so I'm going to say it and it's gonna be controversial and maybe some if you might leave reading this. I don't think he should have removed the sample from the intro of 'What Do You Think?'. I know why he did it, because he has an image and a name and with that comes responsibilities. Did he know what it meant? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe it was too extreme of a comparison to make in relation to the content of the song. And yet, you don't learn from history by pretending it doesn't exist. We know that. How many of you would have known who the speaker was if Yoongi didn't use that sample?

Yoongi said during his VLIVE that he doesn't want to explain his songs, and that he wants the listener to interpret them for themselves. There's a lot going on in that head he can't say because he's SUGA of BTS and a lot he doesn't say because he doesn't want to or can't share it. I know that feeling all too well. My writing reveals more than you know. You just don't realize it because you don't know where to look or what to look for. I believe it's the same with Yoongi's solo music and I always enjoy everything he shares with us. My favorite thing about his work is that he uses simple lyrics to convey complex emotions. He dosn't waste his words and they all have a purpose. I admire that about him.

[koyurim]

hospital playlist 12 (season 1 finale)

as the 99 crew make their next steps, life chugs along and with that comes the ups and downs that the patients are going through

the season finale provides enough momentum to wrap up some plot lines while still presenting new (or persistent) challenges for season 2 to dive deeper into. for me, all the ups and downs with the patients were the highlight of the episode and had me in an emotional mess. we see how much the patients impact the doctors, but also how much the doctors impacted their patients: 

yun-bok was able to thank song-hwa and cry in her arms when she found out that song-hwa was the doctor who treated her mom. and we got to see song-hwa tell yun-bok that she grew up into a lovely lady. 

right when chi-hong’s dealing with the coma patient who’s not going to make it, the cop patient came back to thank chi-hong for giving him the motivation and understanding that he can return to his job. his life is not over because of what he went through. 

jeong-wan stayed up day and night for the 7-year old girl and all his care was recognized when her family thanked him. also when she came back on christmas eve to thank him personally. jeong-wan always gets a lot of fulfillment from his work and i feel like this is the case that convinced him to remain as a doctor and not a priest. 

seok-hyeong. is just. a Fantastic doctor. he’s so gentle and always provides space for the emotions that come with the medical problems that the patients. when the woman finds out her baby has passed?! and then you see all the moms sitting quietly in the hallway listening to her crying. and the woman who had multiple miscarriages finding out that her baby’s in the clear... the JOY. ugh my emotions are ALL OVER THE PLACE.

jun-wan poured in so much care for the patient with the infected stent and watching him deliver the bad news to the parents was so hard. i was so proud of jae-hak for figuring out a solution! gah! growth.... 

ik-jun learning sign language--IM!!!!!!!! 

now, onto the more personal lives of our doctors. much has been building up all season and our main five must face their problems. sometimes facing your feelings is all it takes to find a fix, but unfortunately more often than not life requires a deeper dive to untangle all the webs and mess (and means we have to WAIT). 

jeong-wan’s plot line feels the most neatly wrapped up in this season finale. he’s made the decision to stay and not becoming a priest. it’s so obvious to those around him that he finds a lot of fulfillment in his work as a doctor helping kids, but it seems like it took him a lot longer to realize that himself. i really appreciated the moments with song-hwa. she can read him so easily, but sometimes you have to wait for your friend to arrive to the conclusion themselves. as for the love line with gyeol-ul, i was really hoping to see WHY he liked her. the show + all of jeong-wan’s friends and family have spent the season saying ‘HE LIKES HER’ but i dont really see why? i wanted some flashbacks about where his love originated from, because the kiss feel too out of the blue. however, i Am glad and proud of jeong-wan for properly facing his feelings and not denying them! you don’t do yourself or anyone around you any good when you don’t face yourself!! anyway, i look forward to rosa doting on gyeol-ul in season 2 even though it makes no sense. 

seok-hyeong’s father may have passed, but his problems are still there. seok-hyeong’s family situation has clearly created many problems in the past. it seems like his divorce with his ex-wife was primarily due to his family and not from a lack of love. as a consequence from his family mess, he’s forced himself to choose a lonely path so as to not hurt anyone else. obviously, that’s no way to live and seok-hyeong has to make peace with the understanding that while his dad is a piece of shit, he himself can still seek out happiness. it’s interesting to me that min-ha is able to approach him in a way that seems to slowly nudge him out of his shell. i hope that she can continue to do so in a respectful way! i feel like in season two we may see a seok-hyeong/min-ha/ex-wife love triangle. overall, im glad that he’s choosing himself in not running his dad’s company. his dad is an asshole, and seok-hyeong doesn’t owe him anything. even tho i think the mistress is shameless, im shocked that he didn’t leave anything to her. anyway, i wanna see a scene where ik-jun’s like hello dad pls redistribute your wealth to me, your son. 

oh, i fear our poor prickly jun-wan has been dumped. i was so pleased with how the finale was developing his and ik-sun’s relationship until he got the returned package! i loved when jae-hak was like ‘dude, just ask her’ because you can’t assume and guess your partner’s intentions. you’ll just be stuck in an endless loop! although i am on pins and needles to find out the reason for the package’s return, i’m not surprised. ik-sun has a lot that she hasn’t unpacked from her previous relationship. she’s worried about being hurt again and keeps anticipating their relationship’s demise. wanting only happy moments in a relationship isn’t realistic and i think she may have gotten cold feet and jumped ship to proactively avoid the ‘bad’ parts to a relationship. im rooting for jun-wan, he’s trying his best to communicate and be a good partner in the relationship; i really hope ik-sun will also do the work and not ghost him. i hope in season 2, the crew finally meets bidulgi!!!! 

even though ik-jun’s basically all but said how he feels towards song-hwa, we finally see him properly face her and be upfront with his feelings. i’d love to have heard him say ‘i like you’ explicitly, but i know that this is a big step for him. despite being the most expressive of the group, ik-jun’s so elusive. he flits around to different departments and loves to give advice, but he struggles much more when it comes to forging a kind of relationship where he needs to be vulnerable. we don’t get song-hwa’s response yet, but the ending with all five of them hanging out before christmas is a reassuring sign to me. regardless of how song-hwa responds, their friendship and the maintenance of the group is something they’ll prioritize and work to maintain. this means regardless, they’ll stay in each other’s life.  

UNFORTUNATELY, we still get very little of song-hwa. im so frustrated! she’s such a great mentor and confidant, but WHO IS SHE! song-hwa! who do you turn to when you want advice? what’s going on in your brain? what are your fears and worries? from the little clues that we’ve gotten, i think song-hwa’s drawn a firm line with chi-hong. she’s no longer wearing the shoes he got her, and she was firm about him not following her/congratulated him for moving up to chief resident in a kind yet professional manner. i really hope season 2 stops making us guess about her inner thoughts and just GIVES it to us. i need All of song-hwa’s thoughts! as an aside it was cute how song-hwa made space for seokmin to confess to sunbin! 

in the end, i rest easy knowing that our OT5 persists. they’ll always have each other to go back to and have a meal with. i love them, but not as much as they love each other. they argue and fight but the way they make space and accommodate each other speaks volumes to how much they mean to one another. the show’s so beautiful in capturing life’s little moments. while there is a (very slow burning) plot, that’s not what captures me about the show. the beautiful moments are small and mundane. the five bickering about song-hwa and jun-wan eating all the food is such a human touch that doesn’t necessarily add to the plot. u-ju eating egg sandwiches and winking isn’t necessarily ~ReLeVaNt~ but it’s so important and damned if i won’t watch u-ju and his dad have fun! 

season 2 will air in 2021 (GAH) and i wonder if we’ll come back to song-hwa returning after 1 year. things will have changed: our interns will be residents, ik-sun will have been abroad for a while. either way, im looking forward to it!!!!!!!!!!! 

[pantsusnifferr]

I’m gonna be hella honest here, 2020 wasn’t the drastic life changing year i had hoped it’ll be.

Now its a tradition, well maybe, not really. Who knows...

Let’s start with the goals which ive accomplished in 2020 yeah?

Have less regrets Live more, experience more, get out of the comfort zone Be hardworking, be brave Work hard for the company Rekindle ties to the ones important to me Start working on my YouTube channel for company Study hard Be more confident, be more social Be a nicer and kinder person

Yes i definitely have had lesser regrets overall, i learnt that listening to that gnawing feeling in my gut is one of the few things that will lead me to get less regrets. Perhaps that’s an indication of something that you really want on the inside. Many times this year i just took a leap of faith and made decisions on the fly, going out of my way many times just to do the things i wanted to do. The me a year ago would never have done any of these things, let alone spend any money or time into such ‘frivolous’ activities.

Lets go through some of the highlights for my accomplished goals.

1. Bought Airshow tickets on impulse and rented camera lenses just because i had a shot i wanna get. 

Ended up getting that money shot and feeling pretty accomplished. It was nice to meet up and connect with fellow aviation enthusiasts and friends from my Air Force days, but i still felt like i didn’t fit in. Oh well, i didn’t regret anything. I set my mind to a thing i thought would be fun and challenging and i did it!

2. Trespassing into the green corridor for an assignment during the circuit breaker 

haha...Definitely isn’t worth the trouble in the end due to shitty unusable footage and total lack of input when it comes to the editing process. BUT STILL, the feeling of walking through thick jungle and jumping over construction barricades and barriers in the middle fo some goddamn forest just to get some footage is an experience nonetheless! Shitty teammates, good thing we managed to pull through and made some friends along the way. Wasn’t worth it, but i didn’t regret the experience one bit.

3. Got into more active activities with an open mind. 

Went to the gym with friends a lot more and tried to lead a healthier lifestyle, cycling, hema classes (more about that in a bit) The me from a couple of years ago would definately never give this idea a shot. Running at least once a week, keeping track of my health, all these made me feel a lot better. I should really get into it more though.

4. Hema classes
. 

Never thought swinging swords around can be that much fun! And i almost didn’t want to show up because i had a sudden surge of social anxiety in the morning before. Glad i powered through that to get to that class that october aternoon. I was mostly on autopilot, depressed and wanting more...but for the last few months of the year, hema classes gave me something to look forward to, and this really changed up my entire outlook then. I suppose having a newfound hobby you never knew you liked changes people for the better.

5. Going out of my way many many times just to help out a friend. Or just to hang out. 

I remember being too lazy to go out and have fun. Too lazy to wanna get up to get something done even with friends. Installing internet access points, cleaning up rooms, setting up laptops etc. Perhaps its the large amount of FOMO i’ve started to develop, or maybe its just me sick of being a sad loney wreck. Who knows, all i know is its a blessing to have friends and i am so glad that they’re willing to give me their time of the day as well.

6. Making videos for work. 

I didn’t HAVE to do this. Autopilot at work is a scary thing, its my own company and i could’ve done so much more... but i didn’t... or rather i couldn’t. I don’t remember what came over me and how i manage to find the willpower to shoot the videos then edit them over a few days. And i have no idea how i managed to actually follow through with it and get the damn thing edited. Not my proudest work, but damn am i proud of myself for actually doing the thing!

7. Keeping at it for school and not giving up.

Statistics, the killer module. Logistics, another killer one. I studied so so hard for it, i thought i was going to fuck it up like how i fucked up my assignments. But I am so so so glad that it paid off. Taking days of work to study is the correct move and i am so glad i had the discilpine to stick with it. Haha discilpline i said, more like letting the panic set in untill i find myself studying as if my life depended on it. But still, an A and a B+ feels really great though. My first A, that’s still something to celebrate for! Thanks for helping, you know who you are!

8. Giving more of a shit for my company

Im a little undecided about whether i should put this under the part about having no regrets. I am happy with the money and growth we’ve got in our company, alongside the many happy customers ive got, I still somehow felt that i have struggled so much and had a lot more anxiety and stress as compared to the previous years. Perhaps i just need to chill. Although i don’t doubt the fact that taking more responsibility does indeed make things less mundane. Appreciate the increase in pay and bonuses though.

9. Spent quality time with family

I used to have this feeling whenever i am around my cousins, these are the people whom i’ve grown up wit,h and who i used to consider really close friends. I just felt that over the years we have just became different people altogether. They’re normies with normal hobbies, living their lives normally and successfully while im just a weird outsider.

Im somewhat glad that we managed to find some common ground in gaming and our talking sessions. Attending their wedding is a weird feeling but im still somewhat glad that a part of them is still the same on the inside. We might not be as close anymore but im still happy that they treasured the times and memories we had just the same as i did. Lets hope i’ll not fuck it up and i’ll need another chance to rekindle this relationship. Still, them being more successful in life and work still gives me this crazy inferioty complex around them.

Talking with my mom has given me a lot of peace of mind. I am so glad that I have a responsible parent and business partner who shares the same values as i do. Makes things a lot less stressful to know that she’s got my back.

10. Became more social

Yep, went out of my comfort zone many times to talk to people and help out when i could! Its always good to do the kind thing and reach out, when i’d just brush it off as someone else’s problem previously. I am really proud of myself for this.

Now for the goals ive failed. Start work on my personal YouTube channel Join the weeb club to find more gamer weeb friends Learn weeb speak Be healthy Learn 2 songs on bass guitar or ukulele Draw at least once a month (I did but they’re not completed art)

Oof, i don’t know perhaps its the lack of time or the lack of effort. Maybe i’ve been putting in so much effort into the other things i don’t have the mental energy to process these. Perhaps i don’t want it bad enough...

Art and drawing in particular has been really bad. I want to be good at drawing so badly but i really just can’t be arsed to practice. Music too.

I think i am definately healtheir than before but i am nowhere near where i should be. Gotta step up!

Now here’s what i wanna do for the next year

Keep healthy, Lose weight! Be even more social! Start work on personal youtube channel Learn ONE SONG on any instrument Draw at least twice in the next year! Live even more, experience more, get out of the comfort zone more! Be hardworking, be brave

[killervibeflash]

5x06 “The Icicle Cometh” Review

Okayyyy sooooo my life is a hot mess. I really do apologize for not posting reviews like I said I would. Im in my senior year of college and I'm just tryna graduate, ya know? So, please forgive me. 

I am not gonna lie, I thought the last few episodes weren't horrible! I just wasn't feeling passionate feelings after each episode. I know one doesn't need passionate feelings to write a review, but I do. I really love Nora and the West-Allen storyline! I really do, but the whole Iris and Nora thing was getting a bit exhausting and this Caitlin storyline kept building up and basically I was really looking forward to this episode. 

I love the OG trio. I love them so much and I love seeing them work together without (no offense) Iris, Ralph and even Sherloque. So, this episode just felt special. 

Here is the thing, Im wicked drunk right now so I might get just slightly personal in this post. I am an only child and my worst fear is dying/being alone after my parents are gone. Caitlin is also an only child who is estranged from her parents (believing one to be dead most of her life) and she represents something I am scared of being, but also am desperately searching for. I am always looking for a family, like don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to replace my parents, but I am looking for a support system outside of my parents. (Yes, I have Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins but they aren't like my “Family-family”, they’re just family.) 

What I have always liked about Caitlin (and don’t hate me Caitlin fans) but, Caitlin has always seemed to be alone in a way. Cisco and Caitlin were “work friends”, but they quickly developed a strong friendship. Like, here is how I noticed it. It was when everyone was outraged that Caitlin called Iris a work friend. I get it! Caitlin probably should have thought of Iris as more than a work friend after everything they’ve been through, but Caitlin is CAUTIOUS. Caitlin has always been cautious or “cold” to people. Caitlin and Cisco worked as a friendship, but it took Barry and Caitlin a little white to start hanging out outside the lab. Dr. Wells was her mentor and someone she looked up too, but her and Iris don't have the history she has with everyone else. I just get that about her character. 

I honestly feel like when both Barry and Cisco called her a family, Caitlin was almost shocked in a way. I think she hid it well when Barry said it, but I think I saw a little trace of awe or shock in Caitlin’s face when Cisco said it to her. Caitlin genuinly didn’t think she would find that familial support base. She didn't know that Cisco and Barry are her brothers (Sorry, Snowbarry shippers, but Ive said it before I ship Snowbarry, but I am also down for this Team Flash family shit too). Again, I relate to that, because when I look for family in friends it’s really hard. I need them for more than just a lunch date every few weeks, They need to be there and they need to be there permanently. I don’t think Caitlin has had that in anyone else. Her mother and her grew estranged, she fell in love with Ronnie and he died, he fellow in love with Zoom who was a villain who treated her like shit, and then Julien who was no more than a short fling. She hasn't had permanency in a family way. 

Cisco and Barry proved to her over and over in this episode that she was their family. They called her family. The couldn't be more clear about their feelings. Also, I hella loved Cisco’s big bro protective vibe (huh pun). Like Cisco was suspicious from like the first 2 minutes. Barry was the supportive brother who stuck up for Caitlin until Cisco shook him.  

So, essentially this episode was hella cute and hella important for me to see. 

Ummm, Ralph and Cecile were pretty funny this episode! Im so glad Ralph was not nearly as gross in this episode as he would have been at the beginning of last season. Speaking of Ralph, I think I have to be honest and address that the vibes Ralph gives off to Caitlin is confusing me. I hated the guy so much last season and this season he seems so much better and he’s helping Caitlin and he cares about and Caitlin. I don’t ship it, but I am paying attention. Like, I am so glad that the writers didn't shove the Ralph/Caitlin friendship in this episode. However, that friendship is there and I don’t know how I am feeling about. I, though am much happier that she is single and focusing on finding herself(Literally Killer Frost), but I also want to see her find someone and be happy by the end of the series. Doesn't have to be this season or next season, but I just wanna know she is gonna be happy and loved. 

Also, I heard about Jessie and Papa Joe! So sad, but I hope he can return to the show soon and I am sending him prayers. 

The Nora and Iris bits were interesting.I am glad they are getting along. Like genuinely, but it was still awkward. Like not to judge Iris, but her daughter wanted to do something with her. FINALLY. and Iris is like...but I usually do that alone. Like I guess a n explanation is that it makes the press look less intimidating. I guess. I don’t know, I would have said yes and then made up an excuse for her being there, but its not everyday your 25 year old daughter from the future asks to go to work with you. 

ALSO, can we talk about Barry character growth from season 1 to now! Like, he seems so wise and old now! Like, he grew up and its almost sad. I don't know, its the way Grant talks and how he carries himself with confidence. I mean he is playing a dad and last season he was a mentor and he has just changed and learned so much and it shows in Grant’s acting. 

Okay, So now to the exciting part! KILLER FROST IS BACK! 

I am so happy that she is back, I was watching this video from a guy named Pagey (he’s on youtube) and he put it perfectly when he said that he was glad KF was back because he felt like Caitlin’s character was missing something. I love Caitlin Snow, but I have loved her so much more with Killer Frost. It really adds to her performance and character. 

Icicle when Killer Frost showed up was just like a strange moment. He calls her his daughter and exclaims “You have returned”. So, I believe that Caitlin’s dad’s alter ego was created before her dad gave her the ALS treatment. I mean ethically it would be so messed up to perform a risky medical trial on your kid. It would make more plausible and ethical sense if this alter ego was created and was the one who injected Caitlin with the treatment. He wanted to create a daughter. He even asked her to join him and I just want more. The pieces are adding up for Killer Frost’s story, but I wanna know why these alter egos are created evil. I wanna know why he wanted to create his daughter, or if her dad is ethically abhorrent and risked his daughters life! 

I don’t know, but this was a good episode! I am super excited for the crossover and I am glad that this story isn't finished yet. 

[thanhpls]

2018 is the year where i learned i can’t die but i can certainly SUFFER. i’m still here tho so lel. this post is a special shout out for those of u who have played a big part of my survival in 2018. so first off, thanks! we’re all stuck on this hellsite but your friendship and support have really helped keep me moving forward and grounded. i’m hoping 2019 brings you the growth and opportunities you’re looking for!

@arckhaic: ; u ; my dearest caleb. my once and future floral prince. BOY am i glad we reconnected. sure, we’ve never really completely fallen apart. but i love having our little talks where we catch up, cry to each other, or just ramble on abt some good ol’ nonsense. you radiate so much warmth whenever i get the chance to talk to you. i’m hoping i’ll be better at reaching out to you more frequently in the upcoming year. i love you with all me heart and wish you the best with your writing career~

@falsecargo: the forest spirit of my life. IT’S BEEN SIX LONG YEARS. 2018 was not an easy year for me but you’ve been so important in helping me navigate through all the ups and downs. and more downs. all the downs. we’ve been gone through some big life changes and i’m really glad we’re able to walk our own paths together. i adore you with all of my heart and here’s to another year and 50 more ocs and verses that we sorta develop! kdjsdkjd but i would have it no other way tbh

@translunaer: this video but it’s us with our damn ass rock halves. my partner in crime, except we only commit crimes against each other’s emotional well-being. i’ve absolutely loved being part of ur life to witness your career growth and all of the creative projects you’ve taken on (as well as that v impulsive trip u took ksjds). ik u’re gonna get so many new opportunities to show off all ur skills and im excite for u. u are so incredibly important to me. i hope i get to see you this year~

@suxnday: FIRSTABLE i miss you. you and your fondness for gorgeous girls and boys with bat ears. every time i’ve had a hard time, you tell me what i need to hear. you got such a soft way of delivering tough love. you understand the sci-fi heaux that i am. i am definitely going to hit you up so much in 2019. i know you’re busy with many things, but TRUST. u cannot escape my love ok

More shout outs to even more notable people who shaped my 2018:

@amarilloandres idk ur other blogs pls love me / @armsdealing / @cjbatbrain / @dorkymeadowes / @gudetamawrites / @ksung / @nemesisadrastia / @vjpaper/ @swamplandians / @torihansons / @wongkarwhys 

[angelrizzoli]

harriet - ash text dump

Harriet Clarington

it seems we’re finally in the same place

ash clarington

Dad finally got to you?

Harriet Clarington

he threatened to burn my novel if I didn't return this year

ash clarington

you threaten to burn your own novel

Harriet Clarington

I do but that is my right as the author, I also burned all my clothes. It did not sway him

ash clarington

he doesn’t change his mind welcome to the club

Harriet Clarington

Surely you see this school is as pointless as I do

ash clarington

I’m biased, I think everything is pointless Dad called it a conduit to success

Harriet Clarington

Learning about how to tie someone up correctly is not a conduit to anything of use

ash clarington

how are you?

Harriet Clarington

As well as one can be when trapped in this climate, you?

ash clarington

the weather hasn’t been that bad, I can’t only imagine middle of summer

Harriet Clarington

Are you too floating alone in darkness?

ash clarington

in an abstract way is the power out everywhere?

Harriet Clarington

I do believe so, I’m glad to learn that you are not lost to the eternal blackness though I had written half of an excellent poem about the pain of losing ones sister

ash clarington

text me if you trip near deaths doorstep or whatever

Harriet Clarington

evidently who else would publish my incomplete manuscripts so that I might live in through the pages

ash clarington

Maybe we should spend time together

Harriet Clarington

im cordial to the concept

ash clarington

why can’t you just say yes?

Harriet Clarington

I did

ash clarington

Harriet

Harriet Clarington

I accepted the invitation in the way in which I would normally accept an invitation

ash clarington

I haven’t heard what you’ve added to your book

Harriet Clarington

I wrote a particularly stunning chapter about the woes of the female lead after she looses her ghost lover to a black abyss

ash clarington

when is the last time you did a dramatic reading?

no

let me rephrase, when is the last time you've done a dramatic reading to living ears?

Harriet Clarington

I.. don't believe I've shared my work since I was at Oxford

people around here are small minded

ash clarington

well, you know that if I have to listen to you be dramatic I'd rather you be reading

Harriet Clarington

that would.. be a very pleasant thing of you to do

[

19:46

]

i have some lovely cookies that i purchased on a trip to france

ash clarington

whenever you want

Harriet Clarington

I hear you were in a physical altercation

Do you require medical attention

ash clarington

no

I broke her nose

Harriet Clarington

This is uncharacteristic for you

ash clarington

I know

she pushed the wrong buttons

I was trying to get rid of something I didn't want around anymore

Harriet Clarington

Are you in a great deal of emotional distress?

ash clarington

not a great deal

anymore

Do you know Emerson Fabray?

Harriet Clarington

I do not

Why? Is she a part of the emotional distress?

ash clarington

No she stopped me

she helped

Odette took something that didn't belong to her

But I hadn't intended to hit her

Harriet Clarington

Perhaps we should reward her in some way

ash clarington

I'll find a way to thank her

Harriet Clarington

I have to inform you of something

ash clarington

You're leaving again already I'm already sitting.

Harriet Clarington

I think you might be angry with me, because last year I discovered something and I did not inform you

we have a half brother named Alexander whom also resides in Florida

ash clarington

Rephrase that with more details please.

Harriet Clarington

When I arrived in Florida last year a man reached out to me named Alexander whom is our fathers illegitimate son. He wanted to try to form a relationship with me

ash clarington

and did you?

Harriet Clarington

I text him sometimes

ash clarington

you texted this supposed brother, sometimes, all last year?

Harriet Clarington

On occasion, I told him I’m not all that emotional

ash clarington

well he must be an extraordinary person to have been graced by your interest guess I'll have to meet him

Harriet Clarington

He’s a surgeon

Well he was

I’m informing you of his existence because he’s coming to work at the school

ash clarington

I don't care Harriet

Harriet Clarington

You’re angry with me I imagine

I just didn’t think it was of particular importance until now

ash clarington

I'm honestly not shocked. Dad is going to hate us knowing about this but that's not why I'm mad

Harriet Clarington

I have very little interest in what he thinks. He’s the one who had intercourse not me

I am however concerned with you being angry with me

It wasn’t my intention

ash clarington

It never is

thanks for letting me know

Harriet Clarington

Why? Are you angry with me if not for the concealment

ash clarington

how many times did you text me last year?

Harriet Clarington

I don’t recall

ash clarington

[ read ]

Harriet Clarington

Ashley.. I must confess I very much regret having made you angry with me

ash clarington

Oh? Growth maybe.

Harriet Clarington

I apologise profusely

ash clarington

For what?

Harriet Clarington

Making you angry

ash clarington

That’s all?

Harriet Clarington

I regret we have not communicated more before now

I simply didn’t know you wished to hear from me

ash clarington

Ok

Harriet Clarington

Are you still angry with me? It has been suggested I bring you food, I don’t cook but I have some excellent jam

ash clarington

Do not bring me jam

or anything else

Harriet Clarington

So you are still angry with me

ash clarington

if it makes you feel better, no

Harriet Clarington

But you are

I'm not interested in falsehoods

I wish to make ammends

ash clarington

alright then just no. I’m not

Harriet Clarington

Can I take you to lunch

ash clarington

Not this week. I’m too busy

Harriet Clarington

Next week

ash clarington

maybe

Harriet Clarington

what are your plans for Thanksgiving

ash clarington

Good question.

Harriet Clarington

I have no intention of returning home

ash clarington

I hadn’t remembered that was an option.

Harriet Clarington

Are you still angry with me or would you hear a suggestion

ash clarington

Are you going to tell me anyway?

Harriet Clarington

Alexander has invited us to thanksgiving

I was going to suggest we get food at a restaurant but now this invitation has cropped up

ash clarington

Are you going?

Harriet Clarington

That depends on if you are

I wanted us to spend Thanksgiving together

ash clarington

oh did you? That’s new.

Harriet Clarington

I believe I announced that intention earlier in this conversation

I don’t celebrate thanksgiving

But I’ll make an exception

ash clarington

I spent the last two thanksgivings cooking entire meals and assisting my Mistress host dinner parties. I’m going to spend this one drunk, watching my roommate cook.

Harriet Clarington

I find you confusing

ash clarington

what about that is confusing?

Harriet Clarington

You were upset with me when I didn’t speak to you, but when I try to speak you then you don’t wish to hear from me

ash clarington

When you asked all those people what to do when someone is upset with you, did you follow any of the advice at all? That’s what I’ll be doing. If you really want to spend thanksgiving with me, I’ll save you a bottle.

ash clarington

what is your favorite childhood memory?

ash clarington

I can't see myself sitting through an entire dinner without wanting to pull my hair out so, I told Alex I would do a late breakfast. brunch His wife sounds nice.

Harriet Clarington

I will... be at whatever thanksgiving celebration you are willing to have me at

I value having you as a sister Ashley

ash clarington

I'm sure that's true.

My roommate is cooking. I wont be any fun but, I will be there for the remainder of the day.

Harriet Clarington

I'll be there

I'm not much for thanksgiving dinner though

ash clarington

Alright.

Harriet Clarington

I am... somewhat surprised

ash clarington

Just surprised?

Harriet Clarington

I have never particularly thought my mark was of any interest.. however I think I’m somewhat pleased

ash clarington

You keep saying somewhat

Harriet Clarington

I don’t know. Should I be more interested

ash clarington

Not if you don't want to be, I guess. Socially you just took a step up the totem pole so, you technically don't have to. Don't you want to?

Harriet Clarington

I have never particularly believed in the idea of dominants as the pinnacle of society. I admire creativity, resilience and intelligence far more than assertiveness or dominance.

I have no issue with being purely a dominant, I had no real interest in submission but I simply assumed that was because I didn’t want to submit to anyone I’d met

ash clarington

Dominants can be all of those things too. It isn't just barking orders.

Harriet Clarington

I am aware I simply meant I’ve never had more respect for dominants simply because they are dominant

I have performed a variety of scenes as the dominant party

ash clarington

So you're happy?

ash clarington

Are you going to this ball?

Harriet Clarington

I am indeed

ash clarington

It does seem like your niche

Harriet Clarington

Are you? I am rather looking forward to the whole thing. Sawyer Hudson is a decent sort

ash clarington

I am. Can’t say I know them but, Dani asked me. Do you have a date?

Harriet Clarington

That’s wonderful, I don’t know her but I am glad you were asked

Indeed. I have been paired with Adaline Sterling

ash clarington

Dani is very kind. Although I won’t be staying long. Do you know her?

Harriet Clarington

Do you require an outfit?

I do not, but Sawyer Hudson assured me it’s a good match

ash clarington

I was going to see what I could pull together this weekend. I’d meant to order something days ago but, slipped my mind.

Harriet Clarington

Well I can offer you a piece from my personal regency collection

we are similar sizes, and they are rather beautiful

ash clarington

you have a whole collection? Never mind, I’m not actually surprised. Yes. That would be great.

Harriet Clarington

Indeed. I like to feel the part while indulging in Bronte and Austen.

I do not have plans this weekend, come over and I can find you something

ash clarington

Saturday?

Harriet Clarington

Sounds splendid

ash clarington

alright

Harriet Clarington

What are your feelings about this mark switching business?

ash clarington

more incentive to stay in my room. Are you having mark whiplash?

Harriet Clarington

To some degree, I am uninterested in the experiment

ash clarington

Only some?

Harriet Clarington

Well I don't imagine I would pair up with anyone who would actually make me submit, because I simply would refuse

Do you have a planned pairing?

ash clarington

How very bratty of you No.

Harriet Clarington

I suppose it is rather, the idea is a little amusing

I would suggest we paired up, but I think it would rob you of a chance to properly experience this week

ash clarington

I���ve done it before. At my old school. I don’t like it. Make your own rules.

Harriet Clarington

I am sorry you will be once again unconvinced

Blasted autocorrect

I meant inconvenienced

I shall make my own rules

ash clarington

Rules or show. Of course. It wasn't like this, it was voluntary. But I hardly had the right interests the first time, I'm not interested in trying at it again.

Harriet ClaringtonBOT

Should you change your mind I would not force you to continue your arrangement with me. However I have been asked to submit before and I am uninterested in doing so again. It takes time out of my writing schedule

ash clarington

I appreciate your help the past few weeks. Consider it returning the favor.

Harriet Clarington

I’ve enjoyed your company.

I’m glad you’re getting well again1 January 2021

Harriet Clarington

Happy New Year sister

ash clarington

Happy New Year Harriet

ash clarington

Would you want to be staying at mine for the week?

Harriet Clarington

I actually have an empty apartment, I figured you might wish to reside with me

ash clarington

okay, sure. How are your rules coming?

Harriet Clarington

1. Harriet will complete the binding of the copies of her book she means to give to Ashley and Alexander 2. Harriet will continue to be an upstanding member of the community 3. Harriet will provide Ash with food

ash clarington

Only three huh?

Harriet Clarington

I wasn’t under the impression that you and I were taking this all that seriously?

ash clarington

No but it has to at least halfway look like we are.

Harriet Clarington

1. Harriet will follow all school rules 2. Harriet will behave in a manner befitting of her station 3. Harriet will dress in a manner that brings dignity and class to her person 4. Harriet will complete her usual daily tasks 5. Harriet will complete the binding of the copies of her book she means to give to Ashley and Alexander 6. Harriet will continue to be an upstanding member of the community 7. Harriet will provide Ash with food

This is somewhat my own personal code

ash clarington

Great. Thanks.

Harriet Clarington

Would you care to go out to dinner?

ash clarington

Sounds good. I'll come by to drop some things for the week off first.

Harriet Clarington

Perfect. I will dress for dinner

ash clarington

Hi. Checking to make sure all that existential dread hasn’t caught up to you.

Harriet Clarington

No.. the opposite actually

ash clarington

Existential joy?

Harriet Clarington

They’re going to publish my book

I haven’t told anyone yet, so please don’t say anything

ash clarington

Who would I tell? Congratulations. You deserve it.

Harriet Clarington

You have a variety of associates

Thank you, I’m somewhat taken back that it was accepted immediately. Though they want to make edits

ash claringtonBOT

You've been working on it a long time, I'm not surprised.

Harriet Clarington

I need to speak with you about something

ash clarington

ok Urgently?

Harriet Clarington

Relatively urgently

ash clarington

What’s wrong?

Harriet Clarington

As you are aware I have been offered a publishing deal, but this deal is conditional on my taking in part in a book tour to promote the book as well as a series of interviews

Which will require me to relocate to New York

ash clarington

I see. You’re leaving. Rooms of people strictly there to listen to you talk about your book. Cant imagine anything you’d want more.

Harriet Clarington

I am. However I would like.. to stay in better contact with you this time

I would offer that you accompany me, but rooms of people talking about my books doesn't seem like your thing

[rqs902]

.

more random thoughts as i finish season 2....

some of my favorite moments are when the kids are cheering each other on, its the cutest thing!!! 

he yifan and zuo qibo fanboy screaming over liu ye’s rap in ‘boy in luv’ and yu gengyin and cai xukun’s relay chanting “jin ming!” “jia you!’ and ofc “dai jing” “yao na ka!!!!!” hahahahhaha i love their friendship and i love silly gengyin!!! literally even when getting off the car this ep he was so silly and when he was about to go on stage and he was like aight kids i got this, i love seeing him being less stressed ahhhh

OOF THEY LABELED IT AGAIN 

awww HE WONNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHH when it got announced, i literally clutched my chest and was like ‘my childdddddddddd’ aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh honestly i wasnt gonna be surprised if zuo qibo won this round but IM SO PROUD OF XIAO YU awwwwww he did so well!!!! he like worked really hard to give off a mischievous/ bad boy aura and i think it was such a refreshing and well-executed change for him that it left a strong impression c: whereas qibo is normally already very flower boy / nice guy so i dont think it was as impactful for him to continue playing a role he already embodies normally, altho he was very good-looking on this stage!! but gengyin really went out of his way to try to act cool and carry himself with that kind of aura of handsomeness / arrogance that he’s not really used to portraying and im super proud of him for pulling it off :’) continuously saying ‘我不夠壞’ hahhahhaa but similar to in the sakura stage where he was commended for his powerful stage presence, he’s continuing to build on his new improvements and im super happy he’s still riding on this high c: last ep ‘on rainy days’ i was thriving on hearing his voice smooth over those high notes and this ep’s song wasnt as lyrical, but he still managed to get some vocalizations in and im loving all this extra camera time and focus on his eye smiles. watching gengyin just smile and seeing his eyes crinkle up just makes me so happy inside c: oh! and then when he walks back into the waiting room and hes like “yaayy 努力沒有白費 yaaaaayy!!!!!” im just ooof my heart im so happy for him :’) 

also i gotta say, huadi’s attitude towards liuye is kinda scary? I know theyre all being competitive and thats the nature of this show but like liu ye kept telling him to back off basically (and not even for his own sake, but bc he knew huadi’s dancing intensity was negatively affecting jin ming and also the cohesiveness of their group overall) and huadi was still like ‘i need to show myself off so i can win’ and i felt like his attitude was off, like ‘obviously im the best, thanks’ which later became ‘i cant believe i lost, what did he do better’ whereas liu ye was also very confident but to me he came off as less intense and more calm. like ‘i know im the best, so you can go ahead and try to upstage me, but ill just do my best on my end and quietly watch you sabotage yourself’ at least thats how i perceived it .-. but idk yea i enjoyed watching liu ye more and it felt like huadi was trying too hard. but i am glad that huadi and muti resolved their issues last ep 

daidai’s stage presence during ‘overdose’ tho? he was really handsome!!! i dont normally react much to daidai’s performances but idk this time i really noticed him in contrast to jeffrey and yongju. i think he just seemed more confident than usual and all the little smiles helped. his hair flipping reminded me of muti and his sass LOL 

its really interesting to see cai xukun’s progression through this show and how everyone around him reacts as he goes through this growth process. i would say he wasnt given an absurdly greater amount of screentime but you can tell hes been building up credibility and holds a strong rank among the rest. i would say its not realllyy until the last few eps of season 2 that he pulls ahead of the rest by a significant amount. i was always thinking wu muti was a strong competitor to him but after seeing them and he yifan’s stage, it was pretty clear to me that cxk had successfully exceeded everyone else and ascended to his own level. watching the process through which he gradually builds his now-signature stage presence and now-signature voice is really fascinating and near the end of the season, he already can overshadow everyone else. it seems like huadi is very vocal about how handsome kun has become on stage, yifan doesnt hesitate to admit how good kun is, and gengyin has already admitted early on that they all should learn from kun. zuo qibo is also quick to commend kun but then it seems like muti avoids it? i can kinda guess he might be a bit jealous bc hes always been complimented and lauded on stage but then after he lost so significantly to cxk, im guessing that would be a blow to him. on the show, cxk and wmt both seem very very eager to promote themselves and are very willing to fight for opportunities that they each deem best for themselves. unlike some of the other kids who are more willing to work for the team as a whole more. not that the two of them are bad at teamwork, but i think they definitely arent afraid to demonstrate that they want to stand out and i think thats important in this industry and likely part of how cxk got so ahead. its just interesting to compare this cxk to the cxk on idol producer who knew at that point that he didnt need to fight to stand out because he already did, and he tried so hard to help the other kids around him. 

i feel like i should redo my current ranking list, but i guess with the kids who are on the show this time? (minus the s2 kids, bc lets face it, theyd be at the very bottom anyway) rn its mostly tiered like 1, then 2-7, then 8-10. i appreciate liu ye being a good teacher and leader and the way he yifan seems to be able to joke around with everyone and keep their spirits up. muti’s fireiness kinda scared me in the last few eps but i appreciate that he was mature enough to talk it out with huadi and admit he had been too stressed/riled up lately.

gengyin 

muti 

liu ye

cai xukun

he yifan 

zuo qibo

zhao pinlin (gosh im sad hes so injured) 

dai jingyao

huadi 

yongju

HAHAHAHHA THE PART WHERE ZFZ CHALLENGES THEM TO AN AB BATTLE AND YGY STEPS UP AND EVERYONES IN SHOCK BUT HE JUST RUNS DOWN THE LINE TO PUSH DAIDAI TO THE FRONT HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA i love a true silly boy 

its just so interesting bc the latter half of this season (after ygy gets nominated for elimination i guess) feels like they enjoy giving ygy camera time and attention and esp ep 8 onward hes gotten so much positive feedback ive just been amazed and so happy. and now at the end... you can tell hes really pushing himself bc hes seen that he can do well and that if he really goes above and beyond he really does have a good chance, and seeing his confidence go up with each stage that he performs well is really gratifying and im so proud of him, seeing how determined and driven he is. i just find it funny how confident he is about rap all of a sudden HAHHAHA i mean he did do very well rapping during the sakura stage and the judges did compliment him a lot for it so i cant blame him. 

omgosh the part where the teacher tells muti that he’s already lost to cxk bc cxk got picked during the first round and he hasnt yet....... oof if this is how they talk to him and they keep comparing him to cxk saying their styles are alike but cxk is better, i can see why he’d have some negative feelings towards the matter. the kid’s literally a child, i dont think this is the right way to motivate him....... liu ye patting his head to comfort a pouting muti aw 

because now its my duty to screenshot every time they label his smile !!! and this one even labels it as his “cute signature smile” ahhhHHHH THEY KNOW 

HAHAHHAHA SO I WAS TALKING TO MY SISTER and she sent us pics of her new boyfriend and i was like lol im still single BUT ive been watching a new show and i have a new bias HAHAHAH and i proceeded to show her pictures of yu gengyin i have saved on my phone HAHAHAHHA and she was like “he looks just like your type” HAHHAHAHAHAHA SHE KNOWSSS but yea i was like ‘LOOK HOW SMILEY HE IS!!!” and she was like “the dog is cuter” AHAHAHAHHAHA but its ok shes used to this. and it just reminded me of the time i showed her the ip PPAP perf with zhengting and she like straight up guessed zhengting was my fav in that perf and i was like LOL YES and she was like hE LOOKS LIKE YOUR TYPE hahahHHAHHAHahahhaAHAHAHAH my type is somewhere along the lines of zhengting and gengyin yes. 

huadi’s never-ending battle of fighting to be seen as more than a dancer... to be continued during afo :(

zuo qibo’s struggle of feeling the pressure of being an old man..... feels bad :(

aw he yifan is really so cute. hes def really improved and really doing well, but i feel like his stage presence could still be stronger. its nice to know that during afo he does really shine stage presence-wise and grows to become more mature, more respected, and a group leader as well. 

man its so nice to see daidai really thriving and confident and owning these stages because honestly i feel like on the shows ive seen him in since, including produce camp, hes given me the impression of someone whos lost his confidence and doesnt get to show his skills. i really hope he still has this super-idol version of himself in him because he really shines here, and i think it makes him seem even more handsome than just his appearance alone. oof its just hard bc this show really loves him and the judges really love him and hes so well-supported and encouraged and i think it makes a big difference in his confidence level. i feel like on other shows he hasnt been valued nearly as much and its really sad bc the kid just seems so much less confident. 

HAHAHAHA IM SORRY EVEN THO I KNEW IT WAS COMING BC OBVIOUSLY I KNOW THE FINAL LINEUP OF SWIN BUT OMG EVERYONE WAS SOOOOO SURPRISED HE YIFAN MADE IT OVER ZUO QIBO AND IM LAUGHING AHHAHAHHAHAHAH EVERYONE’S LOOK OF ASTONISHMENT IS TOO MUCH AHAHHAHAHA NO ONE HAD FAITH IN HE YIFAN ISTG HAHAHAHHAHA EVEN HE YIFAN HIMSELF IS LIKE WAT HAHAHHAAHHHAAH BUT THEN HIS ADORABLY BRIGHT SMILE IN CONTRAST WITH EVERYONE’S SHOCKED FACES IS ALSO HILARIOUS HAHAHHAHA this situation is just terrible but hilarious at the same time /sigh/ rip zuo qibo im sorry youre old but cant win :( honestly tho i can understand why they picked he yifan bc he does have more to offer the group than qibo :( considering they put daidai in and they already have yongju (and im assuming yu gengyin will be the last one) and even muti and liu ye sing (and i guess pinlin can also be considered a backup lol).... having another lead vocal isnt gonna to contribute much versus he yifan’s low tone rap. he yifan is really a cute little bean tho. oof the way he runs straight into cai xukun’s arms oof friendship

sigh so i guess its after this that yongju gets kicked out bc china (poor kid...) and then at some point daidai leaves and they randomly add in pinlin after he recovers? even tho he wasnt in like half of season 2? lol but i guess he was never eliminated.... so technically that puts him ahead of zuo qibo in terms of next-in-line to be a vocalist? but i guess honestly everyone knows that if pinlin hadnt left the show due to his injury, he wouldve been the main vocal of leo’s group, not zuo qibo. so i guess in a way as long as pinlin recovered in time, he would be considered the best vocalist to add to swin-s. and then they pull some eliminated kids to become swin-e..... going back to watch the “new world” mv is really a trip every single time. i feel like i watched it for the first time after watching ip and literally only recognized cai xukun, and every time after, i recognized a few more kids, after afo, after pdc, and after finishing super idol 1, i finally recognized all of them. but now, after watching season 2, it feels like i finally actually understand why they got picked and i truly appreciate all 6 of them. I think its really amazing to see yu gengyin go from being ranked #1 in the very first audition on the first season, to being so close to getting eliminated in season 2, to being the last one chosen to get a super card at the end of s2, to being a main vocal in “new world”, and truly truly owning that song. i mean besides cai xukun obviously upstaging everyone with his stage presence as usual, but i mean now when i listen to the song (not even watching the mv) and im really paying attention to who’s singing what part, whose voice really gets to shine and gets to dominate the song, its yu gengyin. maybe im biased or maybe its just expected since he is the main vocal, but i guess it just amuses me that i never noticed that before when i watched this mv without knowing him. now i know whose voice it is that is carrying their debut song and it makes it so special. from listening to later swin songs, i feel like zhao pinlin eventually gets himself a much larger cut of the main vocal position (to the point of surpassing gengyin even?), but i mean that is a whole other story, and i think it does flow into zhao pinlin becoming the ultimate main vocal once gengyin leaves. interestingly zuo qibo never does seem to redeem himself from being any more relevant of a vocal within the group, even tho he was def main vocal of leo’s group on s2 after zhao pinlin left... its like as soon as pinlin leaves he’s needed but when pinlin is there, he’s ignored :( gosh as soon as they announced all the winners and qibo wasnt included, his eyes just became so empty you could see his pain. 

but yes this ends my essay about the last few eps of super idol s2. LOLL i just started compiling my thoughts into larger rant posts bc i didnt want my whole dash to be littered with a bunch of small random posts, so i started collecting my thoughts on a draft as i watched and waited until it got unbearably long to post, such as now. but watching super idol 1 & 2 has been really an eye-opening experience. ive learned a lot about these kids and its truly made me appreciate the year long training they had in korea and the many many struggles and setbacks and unique experiences they had. honestly i feel like swin couldve easily been 8 people aka swin-s plus huadi and zuo qibo, because honestly theyre all very skilled and capable at this point, and huadi and zuo qibo are really on a different level from gouhao and zhu yunlong (sorry kids, i still appreciate yall tho!) since they werent on like a majority of season 2, but i guess it really doesnt matter in the very long run bc of what happened to swin anyway. such a sad sad history for them to bear, but i do hope they can all achieve some kind of success in the future, because theyve really suffered and worked so hard. ill look forward to watching old swin clips for the time being, as i wait not-so-patiently for afo2 

ps: random update, i did in fact make a gengyin gif into my phone lock screen HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH i gave in to the feels. but its the hair flip from that one ikon song he won his individual battle for, and its a historic and important moment okay HAHAHAH 

[kristens-chaotic-life]

Just Breathe...Update 3

Well I wonder how long this one will take me to write...if I go the rate of my last one it will be awhile. But we will see what happens. (Update its only taking me 2.5 days so far, and I might actually finish it tonight) And I have a good feeling this will be just as long if not longer than my last update.  Personal Growth...my mental health. Something really important. And there is so much to be said here. 

**And just kinda a heads up now that I’ve written a good 3 pages here...this entry is mostly discussing my journey through counseling and talking about how I have an amazing therapist. As well as how important it is to get the help you need (and deserve!) 

***Adding now that I finished this: To some people this entry might seem silly, or weird, or you are wondering why I wrote this. Maybe it doesn’t make sense to some. Or maybe it doesn’t seem like there's personal growth here. But that's ok. I found it to be harder to put down into words than I expected it to be. There's so much more to be said here. So it turned more into my story, my journey. And if maybe one person who reads this can relate, or feel like they aren’t alone, then this blog served its purpose <3

I want to start with sharing something I posted on my facebook back in July:

I have seen a lot of people mention lately about being diagnosed as having anxiety and not knowing what to do about it, or having doctors who do not seem to care about helping. Or people who will tell you its all made up and you need to just deal with it. Or the misconception that if you have anxiety you must also have depression. That isnt true either! But not getting your anxiety under control can certainly lead to that! Sure most people have some sort of anxiety, but some people might need a little extra help managing that, and that's totally ok!! Get the help you need, so that you can be YOU! Not the same thing works for all people. Some might find help in medications(scripts or natural alternatives, I currently use a combo, very low dose med in combination with CBD) or sometimes having a counselor/therapist does wonders or maybe you need both! I can say 100% talking to a therapist/counselor has made a world of difference in the level of anxiety I feel on a day to day basis and managing it. Why am I saying this? Maybe there is someone out there too afraid to reach out, because they are embarrassed or they are being told their anxiety "is not that bad". (I know some people who have been turned away from help because they aren't "that bad" because there are a lot of places who won't consider seeing you unless you are literally mentioning self harm or can't even care for yourself anymore). There are other options ❤ I would be glad to point anyone in the right direction to find one of those places! Just know you are not alone ❤ and that you should not ever feel bad about needing a little extra help! And if anyone ever wants to talk Im here! Do not settle if what your doctor is telling you or giving you doesn't work or help. Keep looking!

(For the record, I am fine. I have not, nor ever been depressed, never considered self harm, and have not been concerned about my ability to take care of myself or children. Just had been an anxiety filled mess! But with the help of an awesome therapist/counselor and an amazing office I have been able to manage it! Other than your normal things that come up and cause anxiety of course lol)

Alright, So I know that I’ve always had a little bit of anxiety. I feel like pretty much everyone does.. Some are able to control it and some need some help.  I used to think I handled it pretty well. I remember having a few episodes of social anxiety where I’d be at a grocery store and get overwhelmed if it was too busy and being like screw this I’m out. Abandon cart and get the hell out of there. This still happens some but I don’t abandon cart since it typically has a child in it lol. I checkout whatever I got and call it a day, and come back when I can. But a few years ago I got into a weird phobia that was overtaking my life. When I had episodes I would be in total panic mode and seriously could not function. I’d shut down anywhere from hours to days where I would do nothing other than tend to this fear. The specific fear is irrelevant so I’m not getting into what it was over. I’ve opened up to a few people about what it was. But really this can apply to a lot of fears or phobias. Finally I decided to seek help in helping me deal with this. My friends didn’t know what to say to help. Zach didn’t know what to say to help. I was embarrassed to talk to people about it. But I was miserable.  So I started counseling. I’d say this was a little over 2 years ago when I started my counseling journey. Prior to that I did see my family doctor and they put my on zoloft, and just kept upping my script to see if it would help. I started seeing a therapist, and she was great. We talked things through, worked on some strategies to deal with what was going on. After a couple months things were fine. Or so they seemed. I was discharged from the office. A few months later things got worse again and I went back to the office. Also started seeing someone  there and having him in charge of my meds instead of my family doctor. That change made a big difference. We stopped my zoloft and switched over to a low dose of buspar. I finally had someone that listened when I said hey this medicine is not helping me. We keep bumping up the script and all that is happening is I’m getting killer migraines! This is not ok. So that switch made a huge difference.  Shortly after that the therapist I was seeing left. And I was switched to someone new. This created a huge panic in me. I had been talking to someone that knew me, knew what was going on, seemed to be helpful and just like that gone, and I’d have to start over. For me trusting someone is pretty hard. And being able to be open is a challenge. So then they told me who they were putting me with, now I didn’t know anyone else in the office so I didn’t have a preference really. But  they said we will put you with Chad.. I just kinda looked at them and was like ummm...soo...if this doesn’t work can I switch please? The thought of telling everything that was going on with me to a male was just not something I feel like I could do.  And they were like oh he’s great, you will really like him. I remember leaving that day feeling lost. Super uncertain how things would go. I did not have a positive outlook on this at all. I was at a place where I needed someone I could be comfortable with and change is not my friend. I remember calling my best friend Gen and being like man..Idk about this. How can I talk about everything I was talking about before with some guy? The first time I was on my way in to see him I talked to Gen again, pretty freaking out and nervous. Let me go back for a second, I was nervous my first time seeing my previous therapist as well, but not like this. So after leaving my first appointment I called Gen back. I just remember saying I think this is really going to be helpful! I was seriously amazed. I left feeling refreshed, having someone with a different perspective on things, I felt comfortable, he prayed with me, and I was actually looking forward to going back. Now I honestly can’t tell you the last time we discussed my initial issue of what brought me in. As that has been something that I have learned to deal with, I can recognize when I’m about to have panics over that and I have my things I do to just keep peace with that. But after handling that other things that were causing me stress and anxiety would come up.  I feel like now I’ve been working on so many other things in my life.  I really do believe that going to counseling has helped me grow in so many different areas. Spiritual, mental, personal. Because of what was going on first, I was able to open up about more things...there were way more things going on in my life other than just that 1 weird thing! Just learning how to control my emotions in general is huge. How to respond to situations better. Reminding me to focus on breathing because that helps regulate the emotions. I cannot tell you how often I am told to do this. Seriously all the time. Because it's so easy to get caught up in whatever it is that is stressing me out or causing me to panic, that after I’m told that I realize yea, my breathing is ALL over the place. Maybe one day I won’t have to be reminded LOL but seriously that will probably be a while. But I’m trying.  I can say that I respond to certain things better now in most cases. If I don’t I can recognize later, like ok yep. I messed up there. I do have quite a few times where I get caught up, feel like I can’t deal and ask for help. Or need extra help talking through things. Maybe too often. But I think I’m getting there.  Sometimes just talking it through I can pick out if I’m being ridiculous or if something really is an issue. And he is always helpful. I have never once felt judgement. Just support. Sometimes the reassurance that I’m being given I really do need. And it is so helpful. Being reminded to have compassion for myself. Knowing that it is ok to make mistakes sometimes, and not beat myself up over it. Just having someone recognize the changes in my life, that I am growing. That is nice to hear. Because sometimes it's hard to see that myself. Hearing the words I’m proud of you, I don’t think I knew how much that could mean until hearing it more recently, especially being said about these types of things(growth). That reminds me that I really am growing as a person. I do credit a lot of my spiritual growth to counseling as well. I am reminded often to pray. When I’m struggling, pray. I know I mentioned that in my last one, but really it has been a huge part. I think that bettering myself mentally has also given me more motivation to do better physically as well. I think it all connects back to my mental state of mind. I needed to put in the work to get better there to get other areas of my life right. And Chad has been a huge part in that and helping me be the person that I really want to be, and know I can be. 

I’ve been asked how in the world can you just open up to someone like that? And let them know so much that's going on in your life. Honestly, now usually it's easy. I don’t even think about it for the most part. But it took time. And trust. You have to trust the person sitting across from you. You have to not feel judgement. If I wasn’t able to open up about so much so that he could know who I am then I wouldn’t have been able to grow like I have. It used to be very scary, and sometimes still can be. He knows so much more than I ever told my first therapist, and because of that I’ve been able to work on so much more! It really is a good feeling. And it's good to have that person that can tell when something is going on. I still remember there was one day I was definitely anxious. I don’t even remember what it was over anymore. But I knew I actually did not want to talk about whatever it was. I was going to just try to let it go. And not too long after I had been there he was like “your anxious, how come” and in my head I’m like dang it. I was trying so hard to not let that show! But of course that's a good thing, and I’m glad he’s able to call me out on that kinda stuff so that it can be talked about and it doesn’t build. I am so grateful that I have such an amazing therapist that I am able to talk about everything, and who is there for me and helping me along this journey to be a better person. I know that there is still a lot of work to be done. And that I will never be done growing. There are a lot of things I’m not great at and need to improve at. But I feel like a lot of people close to me have noticed or commented on my growth in one way or another. And that is encouraging too. 

For the longest time I was silent. I didn’t share what was going on with me. I for sure didn’t tell people I was going to counseling. And so often. I didn’t want that judgement from people. Up until this past summer most people had no idea that's what I was doing. I just had “appointments”. But I’m not ashamed of it. It has done so much for me! And I feel like it could be so helpful for so many people. I also feel like I’m able to respond to some of my friends better too when they are struggling. I’m able to share what I’ve learned in dealing with things with them. Sometimes when my friends will be telling me what's going on with them and how overwhelmed they are with their lives, or their anxieties or just feeling down, I joke that they need a Chad. Sometimes they will be like well, I don’t think I could do that. I never thought I could either. I didn’t understand it. But really, it's helpful :) And asking for help is OK! You don’t have to go through whatever it is you are going through by yourself. Some people feel like just because maybe you have a great support system you don’t need that extra help either. But that's not true either.  I have AMAZING significant other, friends and family who are there for me and support me. But they didn’t understand what I was dealing with, or why, or how to respond to me and help me. Not that they didn’t want to. They just didn’t get it. And that’s ok! That’s why I made the choice to do what I did. And get help for me. And it is doing wonders for me. I am in the best place mentally that I have been in a long time. And I look forward to continuing to grow, and learning how to deal with things better. 

For those of you who might feel awkward about thinking about asking for help, please don’t. And don’t hesitate to reach out to me. I might be a hot mess sometimes and struggling to deal with my own stuff, but I’m always able to listen to a friend who is in need or hurting. 

And remember, BREATHE : ) (note to myself as well ;) ) 

**I do want to add a few thank yous in...because there are people who have contributed greatly to allowing me to work on these things. Zach for being patient with me while I get myself together, and go through this stuff because I can’t always explain it and I know that's frustrating. His mom for helping with the kids, not only sometimes while I had the appointments so that I could actually go alone sometimes so I could be more focused, but for just helping with them in general when things are crazy because having someone else around can make things so much less crazy! My parents for loving me, supporting me and being understanding of my struggles. Stephanie for also helping with the kiddos, either watching them or doing the shuffle. As well as listen to me vent, even if I’m not making much sense. Gen for always being there for me and listening to all the craziness of my everyday life, and helping to calm me down. I am also super thankful for the bond I have formed and is growing with Christy, April and I and our growing friendship and that we are able to talk about certain things together, it truly is wonderful. Of course Chad for being so great at what he does and helping me get to this point, and honestly going above and beyond to help me. And last but not least, I thank God that I have ALL of these people, that I was led to this place and be able to work on getting my life better, and for continuing to work in my life. **

[dreamy-stars]

1/1/20

holy shit i haven’t spilled any thoughts in so long! i’ve changed so much! and i’m happier now. it’s a new decade! i have so much to say

2019 was a great year as i actually did things that would have made me uncomfortable. spring semester of 2019 was a shitshow i think i dropped a class and only took three. dropped diff eq with the bald guy and i remember sitting in class no thoughts head empty and trying not to cry. and then going to some tables on campus and calling mom and bawling and apologizing. somehow i got through the semester after crying over tests and assignments. OH i started lifting weights and working out and i love it. i love being strong. being healthy is something i’ve always wanted to work towards and the women on weights program was so enjoyable. i was trying to get rly toned to look good for the nct concert actually. unfortunately i haven’t worked out much since it ended :( hoping to get back into the gym once the semester starts again. i wanna be RIPPED for summer 2020 >:)

working at sweet hut was a great experience as i was able to learn more about myself and add to my resume! i actually learn pretty fast and even though i messed up a handful of times i just want to give myself some credit hehe. i liked making new friends there, as well as bonding with my cousin more. before, i would be a bit afraid of the long silences, but now we talk about whatever and never shut up <3 working a customer service job made me appreciate the fact that i am still working towards a degree. i don’t think i could do that for an extended period. my feet hurt every day and my hands were so dry and getting blisters like crazy. ofc night shift is crazy but i loved getting tons of tips each night. We Live In A Society. i think i became more confident in small talk? idk being on the register made me better but i didn’t even do it much. i also value customer service and tipping much more i always try to tip when i can. anyway i miss making drinks and burning the sugar on the creme brule. 

after working i became more motivated to work hard in fall semester. for this semester i picked two classes to be on the other campus so i could see if i could actually talk to ppl. it wasn’t that much of a change but ppl are much more open to talking in the first week i guess. i’m gonna miss that. joining vsa was the best decision this year i think. it took some courage to talk to ppl first but working at SH helped me ton. because of that i made friends outside of class isn’t that wild? too bad it’s on the other campus bc i would go more often. i think my schedule might not work with vsa next semester idk :/ i went to my first College Party this year which was so much fun! i was nervous bc i only knew like three ppl but just mingle-ing is fun when ur buzzed. i think my tolerance is pretty high idk how many shots i took :| anyway hanging out with new friends i made makes me happy. definitely a highlight of this year! also school went better than before!!! my grades are not the best but i know i put in work so i think it’s okay. also i need to stop relying on chegg so much LMAO...commuting was harsh on me and took up SOOO much time. i only skipped class a couple times (mainly bc i was sick) so i’m proud. didn’t take classes on other campus this semester bc i’m lazy and would rather spend time studying in the library nearby. 

love life is sad still. chemistry is SO important. i think through text is just as important as irl. i went on a date with this guy that was a boring and unfunny texter and was like lemme give it a shot maybe its diff irl. it was alright but so....boring like no flirting like....    also he was younger and i hate younger guys...feeling like a hag... anyway this semester im hoping to go on a date with a girl instead. i thought i had a crush on oomf but it was like for a week. idk if it would ever happen but i rly like his personality and humor. 2020 pls let me have a lover im bored lemme emotionally depend on someone

stanning bts is getting so hard tbh. i can barely keep up with content from LAST YEAR. so much happens. i only go on ig like twice a day and i go to like ten ppl’s twt i dont even scroll down the tl bc it overwhelms me LOL. just looking at bts overwhelms me like i feel anxious sometimes? bc i’m missing out on stuff...idk how to explain it but i think the mama speech from 2018 made me...humble? less focused? on them? like i don’t wanna be so attached and when the day comes that they d*sband i lose my mind. bc i was so devastated that day. kinda made me chill out. being busy with school and work also made it hard to focus on them. guess i really am growing up..but also i became so obsessed with nct i love the nct daily channel LMAO feels like i’m cheating but their content is easy to digest and i don’t get so emotionally invested i guess. when i watch bts i sit there and FOCUS and give them my full attention. nct is for after hw and just to chill. do i make sense? but as i’m on break and watching bts performances and run episodes, i realize how much i missed watching them. i love them so much still and always will! sometimes it shocks me how huge they are. like you can’t compare them to anyone now. they are the highest achieving group i think. PERIODT fjlajajhka thinking back to when they were smaller and i told myself i would support them no matter what and i didn’t care if they didn’t get big like i genuinely loved them and now they are loved worldwide like....my babies.....<3 uwu...it’s crazy how much they’ve achieved in 6 years. i’m so happy for them.

also shinee’s whole discography is on spotify now! i was listening to it the other day and CRYING like a baby. i miss jjong so much especially his voice. i remember being 11/12 and spending hours watching the shows they were on i really miss stanning them. their music brings back so many feelings. ugh so good.

my mental health has been pretty good this year i didn’t cry much and the source of my stress and sadness is always school. fall semester was pretty good. i learned recently that i get jealous over ppl only a little though. it just passes by in thought but i don’t voice it to anyone bc it’s stupid LMAO. i don’t think the jealousy is that bad just minor.

2019 was a great year. i never really noticed the changes and growth i experienced but it was really apparent this year and i’m glad i am evolving :) my goal for this year is to get fit and be more comfortable in the gym, gain experience in my field through joining clubs, and be even more social (also be better at driving hehe) i’m very thankful for those around me and i hope to be closer to friends in 2020. looking forward to going to vn in the summer!

let’s have a great 2020 jen! ♡

[thelifeofang]

the first semester of college is almost over and here is what i’ve learned:

1) leaving home is just as terrifying as it sounds like, but it is one of the best things i’ve ever done and one of the decisions i have ever made for myself; there is no need to feel guilty about leaving. in the beginning, i had felt a lot of guilt about deciding to go to school 9 hours away from home. at home, i’m a big part of everything functioning on a day to day basis. big sister duties cover everything from doing dishes to changing diapers to soothing my sister’s pre-teen meltdowns and everything in between, and i knew it was going to be hard for my mom to make the adjustment to not having me around. just a few weeks after i left my dad deployed to norway for 3 months, and i knew it was going to be even harder on my mom to manage a house, dog, and four kids all on her own, so naturally i felt really bad about leaving her to do it alone. what i’ve found in being away is that i have to learn to separate myself from the angelique i am at home and the angelique i am as an individual, on my own, and in my own space. being away from home has allowed me to grow like no other experience ever has, and i’ve been able to discover more parts of myself than i ever would have if i stayed home. family obligations are important, but at the end of the day it’s still time for my siblings to step up and fill my space, and leaving is not something to feel bad about. it allows for growth, new experiences, and new memories, and something like it’s important to give yourself the space to do those things. 

2) what you define as home can change, and that is okay. i’ve always defined san diego as home. it’s where i was raised and it’s the place i always come back to, so in that sense, it is home. but  when i’m in san diego, i refer to ‘home’ as san francisco. initially, i assumed it was because that’s just where i spent the most time, where my bed was, and where i was enrolled in school, but it’s a lot more than that. what i’ve learned is home is not just defined by being the place you were raised or where your family resides, but the place in which you feel the most like yourself, where you grow the most, and where your people are. san francisco has brought to me some of the best nights full of the hardest laughter, craziest stories, and most amazing souls i’ve ever met. i know this city like the back of my hand and whenever i leave it, i’m almost immediately ready to come back, no matter how much i complain when i’m there. it’s my home in that it’s where i’ve established myself as who i really want to be, it’s the place i look forward to being in literally every single day, and it’s where my people are. my god, i love my people here. home is where your heart is and my heart is in these people. bless them for making this place so fucking fantastic. 

3) don’t fucking procrastinate the goddamn essay, bitch. just do it. you’re going to hate yourself when you’re up at 3am writing a 5 page paper on something you had two weeks to do. 

4) communication is key -- prioritize it. one of the most important thing i’ve learned about relationships of any kind is just how important communication is. i’ve always known that it was important to voice your concerns, to make sure what you’re doing or saying isn’t hurting others, and so on. i’ve just always tended to feel annoying when checking in like that with others because i didn’t want to come across as needy, a complainer, or in need of validation. the thing is, it’s not really like that at all. it’s so important to let people know when what they do hurts or bothers you and to do the reverse to make sure you aren’t hurting others. it’s one hundred percent okay to vocalize how you’re feeling, what you are and aren’t comfortable with, and to check in with others about the same thing. the more you do it, the easier it becomes and the better your relationships are with others because everyone feels okay with talking. i’m really glad this is something i’ve picked up and learned to value a lot more, because i feel like it’s just really strengthened my relationships and made me feel so much more comfortable in vocalizing what i’m feeling or have to say.

5) i’m still shit at budgeting. i always say i’m going to do better, and then someone suggests ice cream or boba and i can’t say no. where the fuck is my self control? who knows. 

6) learn to be comfortable being alone. not every single moment has to be spent with other people. coming out of high school, i was used to constantly being with at least one other person and having someone keep me company while walking to classes, going to eat, and so on. this semester has taught me that it’s okay to be alone, it doesn’t make you look like a loser -- deadass no one cares --, and being by yourself teaches you a lot of independence. not everything has to be done with another person; you’re a big kid now and you got this bitch. 

7)  8ams aren’t for me. i mean, once i’m there i’m ready to do the damn thing and get my learning on and whatnot, but getting out of that bed in the morning is hard as hell. never doing that again.   

8) it’s okay if you fall out with friends from home. sometimes this is just inevitable, and sometimes it’s not even for any negative reason. everyone just gets busy and it can be hard to keep up with some people. those who are meant to stick will stick, but others might fall away and that’s okay. don’t beat yourself up about and don’t feel bad about. 

9)  the best people come to you naturally. the biggest thing i’ve learned about forming friendships in college is that when you talk to people with the clear intentions of trying to be friends, it doesn’t work out too well. it all feels too forced and awkward, and the conversation becomes shallow and superficial and it all falls away pretty quickly. the people who stick come to you naturally because, as they say, your vibe attracts your tribe. you’ll naturally just click and stick with people who have similar interests and energy to you, and the rest is history. 

10) tell your friends you appreciate them and show it often! your friends become your family so quickly. maybe it’s just because we’re all so far away from home, but friends in college become your support system, your go-to’s, and just your family away from your family pretty quickly. you spend every day with them considering you all practically live together, and you bond fast because of it. on top of that, there’s a big ‘we look out for each other’ type vibe with college friends in comparison to high school friendships. of course you have your hs friend’s backs, but it’s different in college. it’s more of a we make sure each other are safe when we go out, we look out for each other mentally/emotionally, and we take care of each other like family does because we’re all so far from our actual families. you do so much for each other, sometimes without even realizing, and it’s so important to remind them how much you appreciate them for all of it. 

11) keep condoms on you no matter what. pregnancy who? sti who? sorry, we don’t know them around here. 

12) you can go on dates just for fun, it doesn’t always have to become something! dates are really fun and so is meeting new people. you can go on a date with someone just for the fun of going out with someone and having a good time, there’s nothing wrong with that. it doesn’t make you a hoe or anything. just have fun and see what happens! you don’t always have to commit to someone. just don’t be a dick and lead someone on. if you’re just here for a good time and not a long time and you’re into the casual dating thing, make that shit known. 

13) there isn’t a place in the world that you can’t wear pajamas. that 8am? pajamas. grocery shopping? pajamas. ice cream run? pajamas. who’s gonna stop me? no one. 

14) pizza and alcohol? not a good idea unless you want to vomit. 

15) spontaneity is important and i love it. listen. i’m a whore for a good fucking adventure. my absolute favorite nights in the world have been the ones we don’t plan and just go out and see where the wind takes us. it’s the unplanned adventures that had me walking ten miles to krispy kreme at 3 am, running after a train at midnight two towns over, finding our favorite ice cream spot in the city, and getting to watch the sun set over the skyline. sure it might be hectic sometimes, but it always makes for the wildest adventures and the best stories. not everything has to be so planned and meticulous. let the city take you wherever it feels like taking you that day.