#and im feeling heavily dysphoric AGAIN?

[vinegar-doppio-official]

*me holding a gun to my dysphoria* I wont Hesitate BITCH

[tucute-senpai]

I don't use this blog much, but I suppose it is worth sharing if figuring these things out makes me feel a lot more comfortable in my own skin

I came out a while ago on my main as genderfluid and omnigay. To easily explain, it is an identity where as a genderfluid person, my gender changes to match that of somebody i am attracted to, which makes that attraction gay

I've been nervous to ever say anything as I still hold a lot of internalized transphobia and homophobia I never knew about in my mind, because I assumed it really was proof I'm not really trans if I don't identify as incredibly masculine 24/7 or that I'm not gay at all and just fetishizing a community I don't belong in

But after long enough of thinking this all over, I finally pushed that internalized bigotry and intrusive thoughts away because I know myself better than anybody else would. I know that these descriptions of my experiences are what I am, and I'm happy to hold them

Currently I've been a bit more fem presenting and trying out new pronouns so this is my own little coming out. I currently use she/her, they/them, and it/its pronouns. He/him is still alright to use for me, but I heavily prefer she/her. I would like to believe others can be supportive of me and happy about me figuring my labels out as well

[undertakers-convention]

god, I just hate gendered nouns so much, like the word boy just turns my fucking stomach. The words man and woman have always weirded me out but these days now that I realized why they make me feel odd, i just can’t not focus on it. Not all the time, but if applied to me then they just make me intensely uncomfortable. I’m not a girl but I think that I would prefer being called a girl over being called a boy. And I do not want to be called a girl, because I’m not one. Being called a boy  just makes me aware of the fact that people don’t respect my gender identity. I’m sick of gendered nouns, and because I don’t use they/them pronouns, people just disregard the fact that I talk about how much I hate being called a boy and call me one anyway. 

[snailstrail]

(from the perspective of an autistic nonbinary transmasc)

ive been working on basically rewiring my brain.

as a trans person, ive been taught to hate myself. to fit the only narrative cis people find "acceptable", it felt necessary to make war with my body. it was expected of me to despise my chest, hips, thighs, voice, jawline, "feminine" mannerisms, hair, genetalia... so i complied. i held on so tightly to my dysphoria, even to the point of triggering it on purpose because that was the only thing validating my identity as a trans person.

over quarantine, i noticed my dysphoria began to heavily decrease. despite my hair getting longer and never binding anymore, i felt fine. i ended up reading something about how dysphoria is the result of living in a cisnormative society. so it makes sense that upon being disconnected from that society, i was able to disconnect from my dysphoria to an extent as well. i dont hate my voice, i hate how people percieve me because of it. i dont hate my body, i hate the implications that come with living in a body like this. but who's really to say a boy cant have tits? im secure in my gender identity, so i feel it isn't relevant how society percieves me and my gender.

im lucky enough to have the experience of interacting primarily with trans and otherwise gender nonconforming people in my day to day life. a life filled with other gender diverse people who have broken down the social constructs of gender and sex has minimized my dysphoria and allowed joy, growth, and self expression to become more prominent aspects of my trans identity.

this isnt to invalidate other people's experiences as trans people. im definitely not trying to say "just change your mindset and youll never be dysphoric again<33". however i do believe there are steps you can take to minimize dysphoria and maximize euphoria. what those steps may be is highly up to the individual but connecting with other trans people, unlearning the restrictive gender roles that are forced on us in our society, dressing however you want, and validating your gender identity no matter what kind of body you have seem to me like good places to start.

trans joy is resistance.

trans bodies are beautiful.

[genderqueerq]

Hi! I've been looking for a tumblr like this to help me through something because I CANNOT 100% a label without feeling like "huh, but what if I'm not" SO IM QUESTIONING AGAIN

When it was like, 10-11 I found out what the hell genderfluid was. It stuck for a while because it fit with what I was going through, but eventually forgot the idenity existed because I was too focused on "WHY DO I WANNA KISS GIRLS???????". I've the idenity of a trans boy, since I did feel masculine and heavily dysphoric alot of the time, and even now I get alot of euphoria being called a bot or masculine things... but "trans boy" didnt stick and got me questioning again.

After trying on non binary and being transmasc there was a huuuuge weight lifted off my shoulders... EXCEPT MY IDENITY WASNT COMPLEATELY NON BINARY, SO I WENT BACK. And then I looked into demigenders, since it felt partial, and demiboy freaked me the hell out because "WOOAHHH THIS IS HOW I FEEL LIKE 90% OF THE TIME.. wait"

SO NOW IM HERE

REALIZING MY IDENITY FLUCTUATES IN GENERAL BUT ALSO IN INTENSITY

So one day I'm okay with having a feminine idenity, I even drew my persona with lil pigtails and with cute things I found! THEN BOOM, THE NEXT DAY I DRAW MYSELF AS A CRUSTY MAN WHOS SUPER TALL BECAUSE BOY COOL and then for a day or so I feel compleately void of gender

I might be genderflux???? Maybe?? I just need someone to confirm it from the outside because im incredibly indecisive, am I right or what does it sound like???

hello! right off the bat i’m sensing a lot of emotions through this ask, and i want to just hold space for that for a minute. questioning your gender is an intense process, and it’s totally normal to feel anxious or alienated about it. it can feel like finding the exact right gender label is something that will make your life make sense, or like any past labels you used are ‘wrong’ in some way if they no longer resonate with you. defining your gender identity and how you want to be perceived in the world IS significant, but it’s just one piece of your personhood - try to take a breath and trust that it will work out ok, and know that you are worthy enough for any label you choose to use.

i am also someone who has gone through several rounds of labels and questioning, and i have spent a lot of time in IRL and online queer communities since i was a teenager. i want to push back a little on what your conception of ‘nonbinary’ seems to be as a personal gender label. in my opinion, anyone who does not identify with their assigned gender at birth 100% of the time could be nonbinary. i think it serves as a useful umbrella term for all the other very specific genders out there beyond male and female, and on an individual level, it leaves space for one’s gender to shift and grow without plunging you into a new identity crisis every time a change occurs. nonbinary holds multitudes, within individuals and as a social gender grouping.

i would say your experience of a shifting gender identity over time is honestly really typical among nonbinary people who grow up in a binary society! when the false binary veil is lifted, the infinite gendery possibilities available become visible, and you have every right to explore as much as you want. don’t feel pressured to label every piece of your personality, because things will change and i don’t believe anyone on this earth feels the same way about their gender all the time. so go ahead and be your rad self, whatever that looks like today :)

[homestuckexamination]

A lot of transmasc people headcannoned john as transmasc and im sure are feeling the same way transfem roxy fans feel. we now have june, vriska, and possibly eridan (?) as transfemme, im hoping for at least one transmasc person or at least masc leaning like roxy. so i know its disappointing but it also has some people thinking PLEASE... i mean who do we even got whos transmasc? Possibly sollux? I was hoping for transmasc eridan rip

Sollux is transmasc! Confirmed through word of god. Eridan is gender non-conforming but still seems like a cis guy. Transmasc, you also have… Well you have Lanque if you like sexy trash boys.

Confirmed transfem, there’s June (Yet to happen), Vriska and Vrissy (Genetically identical to Vriska). Roxy I headcanon as Genderfluid but they’re masc-leaning in Meat and possibly transmasc. There’s NB Callie. I also consider Jade transfem despite being afab because, I am a trans woman and I project heavily on Jade and I am DOWN for a non-dysphoric, sex-positive trans woman that is a bubbly ray of sunshine and love.

It’s not like, groundbreaking by any extent of the imagination, and Dubiously Canon overall due to the multiplicity of Timelines, but it shows a commitment by the Team to show representation and love to various communities in the various kinds of HS media officially. (Which is why, again, transfem Rox in Pesterquest? Outlaw of Gender Roxy across all Timelines pls.)

Overall I think just like. Everything has been kind and positive in general and well meaning, and I can’t wait what more we got in the future!

[meduise]

my own hibari headcanons

[reposting because of adult terminology crimes, lol]

been meaning to write down my list of hcs for a while anyway, and now i have the occasion to get to it! among the others im gonna add what i decided to avoid putting under this post and give more details about what i already wrote there

content/trigger warnings: death, assassination, mental illness, eating disorders

the list will be under the cut! it excludes my strictly shippy hcs and i may update it over time

first things first. like my own blog title suggests, i hc hibari as a trans guy.  i’m trans myself, so this is arguably the hc of mine im the most attached to for personal comfort reasons LOL. it all started when i read a fic about trans hibari a few years ago and later on i got more and more fond of this transcanon, becoming 100% personal. i also hc that he doesnt feel dysphoric. as for his sexuality i hc him as gay

we know that hibari and fon are relatives. my idea is that they’re step-brothers (different mother), and long lost to that. NOW. i realize that with the assumption of fon’s age, them being siblings is unlikely, but it shouldn’t be impossible. their father could be old enough. he got married to a chinese woman who gave birth to fon, then divorced, then got married again to a japanese woman, kyouya’s mom. (i kinda based this on my irls situation, where because of the parents’ second marriage there is at least a good 20 years of gap between the oldest and youngest sibling)

the hibari family was part of the yakuza. to answer a question that was made to me: i agree that hibari “just liking fighting” isnt funny at all. i heavily believe that there’s a psychological reason to his behavior but im going to talk about this in another point below. i also think that hibari was probably the heir to the clan, but here in my head hibari is still too young for it, like 5-6 years old.

when hibari was a child his parents got killed in the hibari household. how could they get killed in their own house, didn’t they have enough protection? they did. but the guard was low considering who turned out to be their murderers were old, trusted allies. kyouya only survived because he managed to hide properly and long enough. he didnt witness the assassination but he did see his parents in a pool of blood after everything ended. before dying, his mom left a last message to him: be stronger than anyone else. because of the trauma, even in the present hibari avoids going back to that house as much as he can and especially he never reopens the door of the crime scene. hibari also still grows into a delinquent, but he dislikes the mafia world and wishes he didnt have to be involved with it

for a while, hibari is in fon’s mother’s custody. here is when he meets fon for the first time, over time they get very attached to one another, but because of the arcobaleno matters, fon goes disappearing, and hibari ends up assuming fon has died and left him behind just like this parents did. fon reappears and goes to meet hibari in occasion of the arcobaleno representative battles and of course wit trauma resurface and about 10 years of beliefs and assumptions hibari really, really struggles with this reunion, but eventually they bond again. (for this one i dont take into account the events in the anime only arcobaleno trial events, as well as the fact that we see all the arcobalenos revived at the end of the future arc)

hibari has an antisocial personality disorder (which implies he already had conduct disorders before the age of 15). it explains his violent and criminal behavior, as well as the fact that he doesn’t feel guilty for anything he does. he also suffers from ptsd and has eating disorders (i thought about the avoidant food intake, where, among the other symptoms, a person avoids to extreme levels some types of food because of characteristics such as their pattern or their color and generally lacks appetite/interest in food)

(wears my enneagram nerd hat) HIBARI IS A TYPE EIGHT. 8w7 precisely, aka the maverick. all about type eight is basically a call out to hibari lmfao but here’s the most relevant characteristics: eights are the real stand-alones of the enneagram. eights’ basic fear is to be harmed and controlled by others, and they steel up to prevent their basic fear from happening (or happening again). below the tough facade there is a vulnerability that cant be shown to anyone. their virtue is innocence, an innocence that they once and forever lost, and hibari basically lost it when his family was assassinated. eights are also associated to the deadly sin of lu st. for hibari its not necessarily the ns fw kinda lu st, rather bloodlu st. and its one big paradox because eights want to be in control of their surroundings, but being consumed by lu st means being under something/someone else’s control (and so we’re back to the basic fear). unhealthy eights are violent, despotic, reckless. all things we see in hibari. very unhealthy eights are also those who typically may develop the antisocial disorder, reason why i listed it above

since he wants to dominate his environment, hibari controls over the namimori and especially the school to feel “security”. he managed it through illegal means and pretty much lives in the school, namichuu is also one of the few places where usually he can sleep without having nightmares

yes, hibari loves sleeping but also he gets nightmares about his past more often than not

but i also love imagining hibari gradually healing and recovering from his trauma, so i do hc that in adulthood he’s mentally doing better. he can be a leader without being tyrannical. he can be strong while also acknowledging his own vulnerability. he is able to love again, too

the reason why he has a soft spot for little animals and children, like we see for ipin, is that he (unconsciously?) sees in them the innocence he himself lost. plus tiny and cute things help him cope when he is having episodes

he also treats ipin well because she is fon’s pupil. and i love to think of them as a little family

if hibari has a ring he really likes or is emotionally attached to he makes sure to never wear it on his fingers so he doesnt risk breaking it with his flames

hibari is pretty much a nerd, in his own twisted way. i mean. he’s seen reading in a bunch of official arts and we know that he’s very fond of the wonders of the world, he started up the foundation for his box researches and he knows well how illusions work - which means he studied them. since he was moved by his hatred towards mukuro, his illusion studies must have reached an unhealthy level, becoming an obsession

fon trained hibari on how to fight against illusions as well

for hibari, finding out he has mist flames too was very much of a shock, but he eventually accepts it. he only uses those flames if really needed (like the foundation entry camouflage)

i will get back to this post when i’ll have established:

why hibari picks tonfas as his weapons (i already have an idea but i havent gone into details myself enough to write about it here)

hibari’s parents and fon’s mother’s name

anything relevant that i forgot or come up with

[regesc]

@saigeonmain​   :    I'M GOING TO ASK A QUESTION SPECIFIC FOR YOUR BABE THAT ISN'T ON HERE; what is sex like for Noct as a trans person?

CLAPS HANDS okay cool!! lets do this!! under the cut for nsfw / detail / length.

honestly? i’ll start by saying: noct’s body dysphoria is pretty minimal. AGAIN i’ve stated before but 90% of his dysphoria is social / related to how people perceive him, and generally by the time you’re in a sexual relationship with someone they pretty much know you’re a guy so he rarely feels dysphoric in relationships especially if he’s with someone who is super SUPER understanding about gender / is even trans themselves. remmeber kids!! trans ppl can love their bodies!! gender euphoria exists!

so when it comes to sex! i would said it’s honestly pretty normal. like as you’d expect. though there r some things a little particular about them:

> noct prefers to stay clothed waist up. again his breasts r like. the one part of himself he gets antsy about, so his preferred mode of dress for sex is baggy tshirt! on the worst days he’ll probably try to get away wearing a binder (dont do this dont work out in binders please dont dont be like noct) or some kinda sports bra. i would say that his chest is a no - go when having sex UNLESS he gives express permission / touches there himself!

> he heavily prefers vaginal sex when his partner has a penis / uses toys lol, i dont think he has the brain capacity to ever even attempt anal he can barely function as a human being as it is LMAO. he simply enjoys his vagina! he does! he thinks its neat. as with most things though it does take some manner of trust to get him comfortable with his partner touching him: he’s quicker to trust if u also have a vagina / know what to do w/ him, that sorta solidarity makes it easier for him to Show himself fully bcus hes like ‘well you’ve seen it before ig’ but ultimately with time he’ll go from just letting u do the bare minimum to like, ‘please eat me out im begging im begging im beg’ 

> he usually prefers to be on the bottom but his mood can shift drastically with his comfort level: one minute he’s laying there pillow prince-ing it up and the next u have a very ego-fuelled power bottom on your hands! i wouldnt say he’s passive or what but he just kinda !!! enjoys being taken care of, but there are moments where his own quietness makes him sorta. hmm. dysphoric? hes like. wait im man. & he will attempt to take control for a brief moment. you kinda just. have to let it happen. 

> sex w/ men vs. women is different to him bcus his attraction to men vs. women is different: with men he gets cocky, kinda Loud, kinda ‘i could take u >:)’ but his attraction to women is so .. soft & understanding? w/ a lady partner cis or trans or nb or whatever he would rlly just spend hours taking care of them if they asked him to!! like do u want the prince of lucis on his knees bcus thats how u get him on his knees!! vs. being w/ a guy. he would absolutely turn the entire thing into a fight. lmao. like a show off of how masculine he is.

 i feel like!! how ur attraction to different genders can vary when ur bi comes under the trans umbrella bcus his relationship w/ his own gender affects it / his dysphoria affects it. he would. absolutely. smooch a lady. for a tleast an hour. AT LEAST. & he is a touch more dominant in that regard-- though still a dumb 0 braincell bottom! lol

> he’s learnt to be vocal about his wants/needs so hes not quiet! he’ll tell you if something makes him uncomfortable. though he has this bad habit of his first reaction to being embarrassed being ‘FUCK OFF STOP IT’ which w/ the msot understanding partners usually leads to a game of stop and go that gets frustrating LOL. but he just ! knows what he wants, what makes him comfortable, even if it embarrasses him he’s going to ask for it. so if ur doin it wrong ur gonna know.

> the one thing that does give him anxiety is when the topic of birth control comes up. he isn’t using it nor is he on T so he’s like. neurotic about condom usage when it comes to Puttin Stuff In if ya catch my drift. he’s not emotionally stable enough to give lucis an heir.

> also to note w/ a partner: he is needy & horny & u wont get away from him. that isnt related to being trans thats just noctis. 

anyway thanks for reading !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! trans rights. 

[scourgefrontiers]

we made it to day 5 of pride wowie !!

today i will talk abt some positive lgbt+ experiences ive had in fandoms..that...i can remember i guess

oh jeez where do i start.  my memory is like super bad so this is difficult LMAO

i guess i could start with..god forbid, hetalia.  that was my first big fandom so i feel like i gotta mention it.  at the time i was into hetalia, i was only just starting to figure myself out. i was still with my first boyfriend and i still id’d as a cis girl.  for a while literally my only tie to the lgbt+ community was how i shipped gay couples thats it. and like im not saying that made me a super great ally but it..introduced me to the concepts i guess?  anyway like.  after i broke up w/ my boyfriend (this was around 2013 i think) i felt more open to exploring myself.  i realized i was trans soon after and started exploring my sexuality as well. i dated my first girl at this time, who i met through hetalia roleplaying (in retrospect not my best decision lmao).  we ended up both realizing we were trans so we started to transition together!  things didnt work out w/ our relationship but it did help me figure out the direction i wanted my identity to go in.  irt fandom, i started playing around with more lgbt+ headcanons, mostly trans ones, and this helped me feel more secure in my identity.

the next big fandom i moved to was danny phantom in 2014.  this one..hoo boy. my identity sort of Became danny phantom at this time lmao. i was in DEEP.  this is when i started going by dan for obvious reasons and i began to question if i was really a guy.  i ended up deciding that i was more nonbinary than a binary trans guy, though i still wanted to go a masculine route with my transition.  i continued my pattern of projecting onto my fav characters and headcanoning them as lgbt+ which again helped me feel more secure and welcomed.  i also met my next partner in this fandom who i’d end up dating for nearly four years afterwards which was rly nice

finally came dragon ball.  this is where i rly started going crazy w/ the projection and headcanons. like everyone is gay or trans in some way. im still Here so idk what else to really say abt this one, but i do wanna address how fu has helped me out with my identity!  this sort of ties into kin stuff but i’ll just talk about the lgbt+ aspect of the identity stuff.  y’all know i project super heavily onto this dude.  well honestly its been a really healthy thing for me? the way i draw him is mostly me projecting my ideal body onto him and how i’d like to look in real life, scars and hips and all.  speaking of the hips, i used to be pretty dysphoric abt  my figure, but since i started using fu to cope with that ive p much gotten rid of those feelings!  its really great tbh.  thank u fu i love u

idk if this was me talking abt positive lgbt+ experiences in fandoms or if it was more of me talking about my lgbt+ journey in fandoms but. whatever. it made a post

[promiseimnotacop]

let's go about this a different way: pick your fave ten questions from the trans journey ask game and answer them!

bold of you to assume I’ve ever managed to make a decision in my life. also warning this gonna be looooooong

from this ask game

1. How did you choose your name? 

so I’ve always been interested in names and a couple years before i ever came out to anyone I asked my mum casually if there were any other names she’d considered giving me. She said that Finn or Finnbar were up there had I “”been born a boy”” and so I latched on to that. It worked pretty well for me because I wanted something that felt like an equivalent exchange for my birthname and that I didn’t associate strongly with a particular individual and I’d never had a Finn in my year at school so that was all hunky dory. Took me a while longer to figure out middle names (because my birthname has two middle names and it’s sort of a tradition on my dad’s side so I wanted to have those). 

There was a hot minute when I considered calling myself “Hugo Finn” which I’m so glad I didn’t, not that it is objectively a bad name, but because my reasoning was erm....bad. It was at a time when I had a lot of internalised self hatred/disgust and the name Hugo I first came across and associated heavily with the morally ambiguous “freak” from ASOUE. At the time I thought using a name I associated so heavily with the word freak was a way of subverting negative feelings but tbh it wasn’t. I’m so glad I didn’t tether myself that negativity. 

Also fun fact, my birthname is Shakespearean protagonist who spends most of the play dressed as a boy so again for a hot second I considered using the name she does, Fidele, but I wasn’t about having a super conspicuously uncommon name. 

For middle names in the end I went for James Lee (though nothing is legal or set in stone feedback and opinions are welcome lol). Lee came first, after the river in my village that I have a lot of postive memories associated with, outside of all the gender bullshit. The problem then became that the name “Finn Lee” would sound like/get mistaken for “Finley” and “Finnbar Lee” would sound like “Finn Barley” which would be eccentric and confusing. So it needed a buffer. In the end I went for James, partly because the first middle name of my given name is a saint, but mostly because James can be Jim and that allows for some of my childhood nicknames (im jim jam, imbo jimbo) to sort of still apply. that was a long answer to a short question lol but I spent a lot of time thinking about this because for some reason I felt  like I couldn’t come out until I’d already settled on a full name. 

3. Do you have more physical dysphoria or more social dysphoria?

I don’t think they’re separable. I have dysphoria about my body but it is because of societal perceptions of my body

8. How would you explain your gender identity to others?

depends on how savvy that person is to trans jargon honestly. The best, if clunky, label I’ve found for my gender is “transmasculine non-binary” which is two different quite broad umbrella terms lol. I like the looseness of it. For me personally, it means that the framework of masculinity and maleness is not an exact fit and does not cover some of the complexities of my gender but, in my daily interactions it is a close enough approximation and I do desire to pursue parts of what might be considered a “trans masculine” medical transition. For the most part masculine coded language (including he/him pronouns) is what suits me the best, with only a few particular exceptions. So, for most of the world I am functionally “a man” (even though that is one of the few bits of masculine coded language I don’t gel with), or maybe “a gender non-conforming man” and I am not gonna split hairs about that if we aren’t close. 

But if we’re seriously getting into a chat about gender there’s a lot more to be said. If drawing a diagram of my gender I would say I’m about 55% male, 30% “other”/third gender/maverique/genderqueer/whatever you want to call a gender identity autonomous and seperate from male or female, and 15% nothing/void. And all of that is subject to fluctuate a bit and which parts I might connect with most can be slightly contextual. I am more “a man” than anything else but also pretending to be a binary man is cutting out a significant part. 

12. Do you pass?

Let’s unpack the most Problematique question lol. Just kidding. It is important to acknowledge how “passing” or not effects daily safety/experiences but....god can we not use that word? Can that not be the agreed upon term? The implication that you are otherwise “failing”? The way in which it is incredibly difficult to apply to no-binary people? The way it does not acknowledge the nuances and the way that being read as a certain gender can be conditional? 

I prefer to use the terms “read as” because it allows for more nuanced discussion, does not have moralistic implications, puts the onus on the people viewing - not the individual being viewed and is kinda intuitive to understand.

To answer the question though? For the most part (like maybe 80% of the time) I am read as male. By no means always, and it is conditional on me following a certain level of gender conformity, but for the most part I interact with the world being addressed as a guy. As someone who is very much pre-t it seems that this alone subverts the standard “trans narrative”. Hell I was mostly read as male for a while before I ever came out. I’ve been corrected and laughed at in the women’s bathrooms. I’ve been harassed for gender nonconformity not in spite of but because I was wearing “girl’s” uniform. I have had fellow trans people assume I was a cis man (on more than one occasion) even when I introduced myself by my very much feminine birthname. I have little kids point blank refuse to believe I am “a girl”. I have had strangers confront and correct my mum for addressing me with she/her pronouns (before I was out). I have had kids yell the T slur at me (before I had begun to learn the invisible rules - which to be totally clear are bullshit -that need to be followed in order to be more consistently and unerringly read as male). I’ve been read as male occasionally in contexts where it was impossible for me to be out (near strangers on holiday whilst using birthname, new teachers and students at a school i’d been at since I was 11 and worn “girl’s uniform” until 16, etc).

It’s by no means always though. Which makes the times I don’t difficult and awkward. The technician on my course refers to me with feminine language but none of my tutors. The other day I tried out wearing eye shadow to class and I guy I bumped into later said that he hadn’t recognised me because it made me look like a girl (cringe). etc.

17. What do you do when you have to go to the bathroom in public?

haha i don’t go. I literally haven’t been to the men’s bathroom (apart from once on holiday) but also i get harassed in the women’s/get directed towards the men’s so.....here’s to hoping I don’t get a UTI lads. Literally been in a public loos once since June (not including holiday abroad) and then i nipped into the disabled one during shark week. 

19. Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why do you choose to be stealth?

so at the beginning of uni I sort of tried to go stealth to see if I could/if it was comfortable (and by go stealth I mostly mean I just didn’t openly talk about my trans-ness for a while). I didn’t wanna be known as ‘the trans one’ and so i didn’t want to introduce myself with that fact. It fucking sucked would not recommend 0/10. It’s incredibly lonely-making to try and filter your experiences and to not be able to discuss certain issues with anyone irl. 

32. How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years?

I used to do this thing when I was feeling particularly dysphoric/hopeless where I would draw myself now, and myself in 5 years time. Help construct something to look forward to, and work out what I would sincerely like to wear/express but don’t due to dysphoria. For me I really want to get to a place where I am comfortable in androgyny. I want to grow my hair out without sacrificing being read as male. I want to wear long skirts and crop tops whilst still being read and understood as a guy. I’ve done a lot of self reflection and I don’t think I can get to the place of being comfortable until I have had top surgery and I might also require T (though top surgery is really the necessity for my day to day life). Fingers crossed that will be possible and slightly healed within 5 years but given the NHS it really is not certain. 

39. Is your ideal partner also trans, or do you not have a preference?

T4T is self care. Jk. Honestly probably but that’s not to say a cis person couldn’t be my ideal partner? like at any rate it’s fucking necessary that my partner fully understands/perceives me to not be a woman. They could just be cis and no. 1 ally but in all likeliness they’re probably gonna be trans (particularly given the number trans and/or nb cuties out there)

40. How did/do you manage waiting to transition?

I’m not managing. Send help.

seriously every week I have a break down about how long NHS wait times are.

42. Do you interact with other trans people IRL?

I’m an art student in Brighton. Yes. 

(Also my sibling Sumner is an NB lesbian, and my childhood best friend Hunter is NB). 

Literally going to be one cis person in my house of six next year. 

[postmoderntongues]

If I mention something too much im lying but if I don’t “make it my entire personality“ Im also not telling the truth.  sound logic.  The biggest lie I told was when I said my old rafem blog was run by a roommate because I didn’t want gender discourse on my fandom blog and it was easier to say “Im FtM” than it was to say “I was FtM at the time of the assaults so experienced them as a guy but after my last assault I changed my label to nonbinary because I didn’t feel like I could be a man with what had been done to me (which is Why I wrote so heavily about the emasculating factors of being assaulted) and then became disenchanted with the community as a whole after hearing the word TERF and hate-reading a few of their blogs before I realized they were the only ones making sense and went back to calling myself my birth sex even though i hate it and have constant dysphoria”.  Like the truth was so much more complicated in that situation and I knew the people going after me wouldn’t care even if they knew the circumstances because I made their Blorbo do something bad in a fic they could have easily ignored.  And again I don’t get comments telling me my writing is hot, I get comments telling me it is emotionally effective.  Its not SUPPOSED to be sexy, not everything that describes a sex act is meant to be arousing.  Its SUPPOSED to be upsetting and disturbing because I find creating disturbing art to be cathartic.  But my only real lie was when I was trying to do damage control after my sideblogs were connected because I knew the people attacking me wouldn’t care if they knew the truth.  Ive owned up to my lies on my own and took credit for my work long before any of you brilliant detectives ate what I was literally spoon-feeding you.  I shouldn’t have lied, but IMHO other than the Nik thing it wasn’t a lie to say I experienced sexual assault while living as a man and “dysphoric AFAB” means “Closeted transman” to half the people on this site anyway so it was more of a partial-truth than a lie to say I was FtM.  Im not going to say I didn’t lie in order to try and keep that stretching of the truth hidden but I never hurt anybody, never extorted money from anybody, never harassed anybody, never charged for my vent pieces or tried to capitalize on anything, I just panicked when my radfem blog was revealed to the communities I talked to on my fandom and mental health blogs and didn’t want to deal with the discourse.  Thats why I re-made as a single blog, no secrets, what u see is the whole picture.

[trans-guy-positive-blog]

hey, this is p urgent so if you could answer it as soon as possible that'd be lovely. okay so my friend is throwing a debut and i'm one of her 18 candles. im not out and i haven't transitioned bc my country sucks (there's literally no resources and i can't even change my documents if i do transition ugh) and i'm required to wear a gown. thing is, gowns/dresses make me HEAVILY dysphoric. there's no 2 way around it and i just feel so shitty thinking about it. i wanna be there for her but (1/2)

i really don't want to wear a dress. i can't change after the 18 candle thing bc there's apparently a photoshoot afterwards. her parents said it has to be a dress/gown and i just.. i rly want to go bc i miss her and i wanna see her again but i don't want to spend the rest of the night feeling miserable and sad and dysphoric and idk how to find a solution for this so if you guys could give some help/advice that'd be great (2/2)_____________Im so sorry youre dealing with that. I suggest you make it a game. Youre playing a role. Youre undercover, dressed like a girl, on a mission to make sure your friends night isnt ruined by any bad people. The more you make it a game and play the part the further you are from it mentally. Maybe try that?Followers other suggestions?-Emmett

[kiunlo]

lmao this is gonna be a fucking controversial post but whatever, not like i haven't done this shit before.

am i just the only one that has a weird and complicated relationship when it comes to reader-insert imagines/headcanon blogs???

Like, idk if i depends on the fandom or whatever but i've noticed that in my specific fandom (that i don't want to name) there's a huge focus on female reader-inserts over any other type of readers. which isn't inherently bad at all, but even if a particular blog focuses on keeping each reader insert "gender neutral"...you can tell that it's skewed heavily to be more relatable to cis women than it is to anyone else. which i do not think is on purpose, but it is something i've noticed.

I feel a lot like many reader-insert blogs try to be inclusive as they can by doing gender neutral reader inserts, or even trying to specify afab readers (never amab...surprisingly....) so it can be more inclusive to trans guys and nb people, but it clearly comes off as a half-hearted attempt when you start to actually read some of the content. like, as a trans guy i've never read a reader-insert that specifically specified an afab reader and NOT thought "yeah there's no way this is a trans guy". doesn't matter if it's a smutty reader-insert or not, it just really doesn't relate to me as a trans guy. at all.

like yeah, i know that whenever someone writes a reader-insert, there will always be someone that's going to be alienated because no one is ever going to have the exact same experiences, but if you're gonna specify an afab reader and not just a cis woman reader, you're including trans men and non-binary people under that category. and when transguys and enbies read your reader-insert and it feels way too cis-centric, it just feels like a half-hearted attempt at inclusion.

this is especially noticable in smutty ready-inserts, where an afab reader is specified, and sexual things happen on areas of the body that for many trans guys and enbies can be really dysphoric, but is obviously no issue for a cis woman.

tbh this is kind of the problem with even specifying "afab reader" in the first place. cis women, trans guys and enbies all fit under the same category as "afab" yet our experiences differ wildly due to our identity and experiences within that identity, and the way society treats us because of that identity. a trans man will not experience vaginal sex the same way a cis woman will, and neither will a cis woman experience vaginal sex the same way an enby will, etc. Many trans men and enbies don't even like or have vaginal sex at all because it's far too dysphoric for them. (I'm the exception to this rule, but that's not the point).

I can also quite clearly tell that when someone specifies a female reader, it's almost always a cis woman reader. I've not read many reader-inserts that specified a female reader that could be interpreted as being trans women, because they're often really focused on the body, which- again- tends to be very cis-centric.

like noah fence but it's just frustrating to read a reader-insert and feel like...ur being unrepresented. any male reader-inserts (which i find are already rare in and of themselves) are very cis-centric, and many "afab reader" inserts feel very much the same as a lot of the writers are cis women and cannot write trans men or enbies well.

and as i said before i cannot imagine how any trans women feel reading any reader-inserts that basically forgets their entire existence on this planet with "afab" essentially meaning "thats a woman" to these writers and there basically being no "amab" reader-inserts ever (which writers would eventually see as "thats a man" after a short while anyway)

im just so tempted to make my own stupid reader-insert headcanons/imagines blog for queer people and only queer people and everyone else would just have to suck it up and be mad about it. but also i don't want dumbass fandom members to be clowns on it either.

[muchmoremarsh]

😬😬😬tw body issues, tw disorder eating(?), fitness and stuff like that

my friend posted a photo of me from my side/profile and godam....my body literally looks like a lego block. additionally when my waistband goes under my belly i’ve got i just feel like shit, it’s disgusting. and oh my hips and thighs are just so...ew i....i really am not comfortable with the way i look. there’s so much about me that makes me unhappy and dysphoric. it’s like....i would LIKE to feel happy with being chubby but the places i am chubby in just make me feel dysphoric and are in ~feminine~ places and no amount of fat redistribution is gonna shift my genetics. i don’t like being fat. i want to be lean, skinny and muscley. i want that dorito body. no wonder i can never find clothes to fit me the way i want bc i’m so HUGE, not muscle wise but the fat content in my body is....depressing.

im happy if you can be fat and happy like great, you do you, whatever. im just....i go through a few periods of disorderd eating an fitness focus, fall out of it and then get self hating and then binge and then it’s a cycle and i want to get on top of it. i want a healthier body and lifestyle, which not only make me FEEL better, i will look more attractive and it will be easier doing the sports i love, and my career. my body gets in the way of so much, i just wanna be able to wear clothes properly and feel good. i wanna see my collar bone, and have defined muscles on my arms. i want my jawline to POP! i want my thighs to lose all that fat inner layer and be like two sticks. i want the stupid pouch on my stomach to flatten out, i want my hips to disappear and get that distance V shape showing my hip bone. i want to see my wrist bone, let it be thin at my joints and muscley on my limbs. i want to put my hands on my hips with my thumb on my back n the rest on my stomach and be able to grab around my body with it all fitting in my hand like so many others do. i want so much and i know i could get it if i stopped being a BITCH. i can’t afford a gym membership so i thought let’s start jogging but it hurts, i physically cannot go outside and let people see how disgusting i am, let alone without wearing a binder. even a loose one. my chest is so large that i HAVE to bind otherwise i might just end up wrapping my little stumpy chubby fat body up in electric fencing and upping the voltage to maximum lololol. my friends and i joke about my weight and i do make fun of myself but it’s genuinely because i HATE the way i look and wish i was just fit.

im gonna go back to kickboxing fitness and maybe start jogging again because despite how much i hate cardio, i KNOW it’s what i really need to shift the fat to feel comfortable. i have to restrict my bad eating habits again but it also might mean not seeing certain family members again due to being SURROUNDED by food. i was making some good progress before certain events like easter come up....it’s difficult to say no to bad food. i have to make a list of food to buy that i know is safe to eat. i need to split my healthy carbs and bad carbs, no deep fried or heavily processed stuff, try and swap process protein for natural protein like fish. portion control is also a big one, i started counting stuff like my cashew nuts so i will start doing that again. i think puttingmy food in small bowls instead of large plates also helps. i’ve also been avoiding stuff like cheese and peanut butter- those are my vices but full of fat, and i will try my hardest to now not constantly buy my routine yogurt peanuts. i love those dearly as a samefood rn but it cannot continue if i want to shift the pounds. i usually go my college day without eating but i will bring maybe a salad to eat, or several pieces of fruit (being mindful of sugar content.) oh and sugar- i did start making strides in that area but again i slipped. no sugar in drinks. if i’m thirsty have water- instead of squash, drink LOOOTS of water, water weight can be shifted.

[sunshynedaydreamz]

Gosh this is... interesting.

So, here I am on tumblr, making a blog to hopefully have an outlet that I can be open.

I should introduce myself.. right? Im caitface... Im 25, mother of one beautiful girl(shes 2), a recovering addict (7 months clean) and unstable af.

Im making this to have a place to gather my fears, dreams, experiences and inspirations...also because I'm starting therapy soon and journals dont really work for me..

Recently I ran into a bit of a pickle that has forced me to reevaluate alot of things in my silly little world. I have a hard time keeping my house clean... so much so someone was worried about my DD's (darling daughter) wellbeing.... I took a look around my house and resigned... fair enough. So, a few weeks later ive started the journey of finding a proper diagnosis for whatever it is that holds me back, along with my SUD.

See, when I was fifteen, I was diagnosed with PMDD, pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder. Its a hormonal imbalance, much like many other illnesses. I was promptly put on a birthcontrol pill to counteract my PMDD, I felt normal for a while.... Then it was found out that I had nasal issues. So I was pressed to take various strengths of antibiotics for almost a year. If anyone reading this doesn't know, antibiotics mess with birthcontrol, atleast pill forms. But I was a teenager with a devil may care attitude, so when I fell pregnant right after my 16th birthday, I was shocked and scared... long story short, my boyfriend, mother and I decided it was best to terminate. I dropped out of school, got depressed and refused to take the pill again. It wasnt effective against BABIES and that's what I needed. I couldnt go through that again. Thats when I was given the IUD, which has not failed me to this day... however, it does not counteract PMDD symptoms. Common research on PMDD states that without management symptoms can worsen, leading to depression, addictive tendencies and even suicide.

I had forgotten, or wasnt properly informed. Either way, when I began to feel off kilter again, I was already at a point in my life where I didn't care at all. I started using pills regularly and drinking heavily. After four long years of active addiction, I finally sought help, got treatment, relapsed several times and got myself to where I am now.

Since I was only fifteen at the time, Im not entirely confident in the diagnosis I was given. So I gave the call, to which I am awaiting a reply.

Ive decided DD doesnt have to live this way. Neither do I. I deserve the help I need. She deserves a mom who can recognize sometimes she needs help....

Im nervous, because I don't know what to expect, especially with my new found respect for honesty.... (thats another story for another time) But I'm excited to take these steps forward... no matter how scary they may seem.