#and if she got upset then she’d be reacting properly because her mom just died | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

missyasf · 4 years ago

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Game Of Hearts

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↳ Summary: Your life is in monotonous tones of grey, day in, day out. Nothing matters besides your sister, the only thing you remember is seeing fireworks before waking up to Tokyo abandoned . Soon enough you are properly introduced to the deadly Borderlands where you must fight for your life in Games to survive. When things can’t possibly get worse soon division arises and rivalries are made. No matter what though, you are constantly plagued by a blonde who, no matter how hard you try, just can’t seem to go too far without.

↳ Pairing: Chishiya/Reader

↳ Genre: Angst, smut, thriller

Word Count: 10k

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Trigger Warning: ⚠️ much like the manga/Netflix adaptation this will be a dark fic which includes mentions of prostitution, attempted murder, child ab*se, sexual harassment, heavy grief and attempted suic*de among other things. Additional warnings will be added for chapters when triggers are brought up. Please read with caution if these are triggers for you or just skip all together!

15th Day Sojourn

“Nanami!?” You opened the curtains of her room, your face screwed in anger as she groaned curling into her bed, “What the hell!? You have one day left on your visa and you got hammered!? And what?” You waved at her as she pulled the blanket up upon realization she wasn’t dressed. At all, “Decided to get railed while you’re at it!?”

She groaned as she collapsed back against the bed, “Sorry I don’t have a death wish like you do,” She sneered making your lips part as you scoffed at her words. Death wish!? You understood, going out when it wasn’t required wasn’t something most chose to do. But you had a good dynamic going with Ryu, Hiroko and Akari. You all made a good group together, and it wasn’t every night!

It was just a few times a week! It had been a little over, two? Three weeks at most now? That you had been at the beach? Life was about as good as it could be given the circumstances of your living space. But you made it work.

Truthfully, you weren’t sure what direction your relationship with Nanami was headed, you understood you saw one another less but...It was like this before you had arrived at the Borderlands, what had changed? You felt confused and a bit lost, Nanami had only gotten more and more annoyed recently well...anytime you spoke to her truthfully.

You glared down at the empty bottles, obviously the Beach was the problem here. It was a gateway to all kinds if bad habits that Nanami had clearly taken up. You hardly saw her anymore because she was either too busy partying with her new friends or completely wasted, “This…! Nanami! This isn’t you.” You threw the bottle onto the ground next to her bed as you threw up your hands, “At all! You’d never be this tardy on the day you prep for a game!”

Nanami groaned loudly as she got out of bed, holding the sheet up as she grabbed her clothes, looking irritated at your presence as she growled, “Since when do you care about my games!?” She fumbled as she got dressed as best she could, “All you ever do is try and throw your life away! You never even tell me when you’re going out! One of these days you’re gonna go out and it’ll be the last time I ever see you! Do you realize how stressful that is!?”

Pulling up her bikini top she immediately shoved the door of the room open as your lips parted quickly chasing after her, “You don’t think I try to tell you!?” You shouted back, people immediately making way through the hallway as your brows pinched, “You were too busy getting fucked against a wall when I tried to tell you last week! What the fuck! This is not completely my fault! I could be better about it sure but you…!”

Nanami paused at the end of the steps, now in the lobby as she turned to face you, “But me!? There’s nothing about me! You are so fucking suffocating! I’m not a child Y/n!” An indiginant hurt panged through your chest at her words.

Hopping off the last step you followed after her as your fists curled, “I wouldn’t if you stopped acting like one!” You shouted back, anger coursing through your veins at her accusations, what was with her behavior!? You’d lay back if it meant she’d stop this...these destructive habits!

If she wanted to drink that was fine, if she wanted to sleep with someone it was whatever, she was an adult but this was way too excessive! “All I see is someone trying to prove she's an adult when all she is, is trying way too hard to be someone she isn’t!”

You didn’t care how half the people in the lobby looked awkward and somehow a lot of people were quickly finding the exit. Nanani gasped as she turned around, you could almost see the steam coming out of her ears as her fists curled, “You…! You have no idea who I even am!” She snarled back, “Other than looking at me like a baby! You’ve always been too busy with your friends or school or work and half the time you lied! Why is it I got to hear from somebody other then you that you fucked people for a living. That you were a whore for money!”

You immediately looked away from her as you crossed your arms defensively, hurt beginning to throb in your chest at her words, feeling somewhat caught off guard at that being brought up. You weren’t embarrassed, ashamed? Maybe a little despite your mind telling you that you shouldn’t be.

“Y/n you are NOT mom, you will never be mom. Ever since she died you’ve felt the need to be some fucking savior for me and you don’t! You have no idea what I need. So push off and stop acting like you do!” Nanami snapped, her eyes burning with an anger that looked a lot like hate.

That...You wouldn’t deny that stung. You could hear footsteps quickly walking away as you looked at your feet, your eyes stinging and your vision blurring as your lips quivering and your expression contorted somewhat painfully in an attempt to try to not let the sting of pain burn too deep.

She was just angry, you told yourself in an attempt to lick the wounds that were already in your heart to begin with. It was like being reopened and salt being doused onto it.

You only felt more angry as you furiously rubbed away the warm trail of liquid on your cheeks, irritation blossoming in your chest at the feeling of eyes on you as you hissed, “You can stop staring!” Turning to face the white hood that had been leaned against the wall, previously on his phone but much like everyone else it was hard for Chishiya to not stare at the drama unfolding five feet away.

“Well,” Chishiya clacked his tongue, a semi amused expression his face as he spoke, “What did I tell you?” He quickly shut his mouth at the glare you sent him, wiping your cheek once more, your lips pathetically quivering, he probably thought that and hey, you’d admit it was pretty pathetic.

“I get it you don’t really care about my feelings but I really don’t appreciate the ‘I told you so’ right now,” You waved towards your face as you sniffed wrapping your arms around yourself as you waved a hand at the door, “You know, I never intended to…”

You pressed your tongue into your cheek as you sharply inhaled, “It doesn’t matter,” You sighed looking low, as you rubbed your eyes, “You were right. But I never meant for it to come off like that. Everything I ever did in my life was so that she’d never have to go through what I did.”

There it was again, the bitter tears that threatened to escape your eyes as you stared down at your blurry hands, “To have that kicked back in my face- excuse me for being human, but I feel like the tears are justified.” You looked up at him again as you sniffed, rubbing your eyes again that glossed with wetness.

“And I would never hold that above her or against her. I know she didn’t ask for that, but that’s how much I love her. She is all I have. She would never need to thank me for what I’ve done. I’d do it again no questions asked. But that? That was uncalled for.” You wrapped your arms around yourself, trying to not let yourself get anymore upset then you already were.

“Well, you can’t control how she reacts, obviously.” Chishiya shrugged, having been, maybe a little too used to your random bursts of emotions as he spoke in a sing-song voice, “But the more power you give her the more it’ll make you upset. You should really just drop it.”

You puffed a breath as you rubbed your eyes, “I can’t stand you some days.” Your lips quivered into a pout making Chishiya scoff, probably due to how pathetic you looked.

“Because I’m right?” He spoke as he stepped off the wall, pushing his hands into the pockets of his jacket as he raised his brows. You didn’t reply to him as you crossed your arms. Things between you both had been...interesting to say the least.

You by no means considered yourself close friends but...ever since the three of hearts games, you could only assume, that you both had come to a certain understanding of one another. Most days you had never even meant to talk to him. You just always happened to be in the same place at the same time.

Finally you rolled your eyes, feeling a little more composed as you huffed, “There's no debating with you about whether or not you’re right.” You glanced up at him and it was his turn to stay silent before a cocky smirk curved on his lips making you throw your head back with a sigh to try to cover the urge to laugh, yes that was a very familiar sight, “Your ego is gonna get you killed one day.”

You turned to start walking as Chishiya replied, “Maybe, if someone actually takes the bluff. But I don’t think anyone will.” You clacked your tongue, shaking your head as you said nothing in return. In some ways, you even believed him.

If there was anything you had learned about Chishiya it was that he truly was an insane combination of cold and calculating, mixed with a sense of naiveness that others falsely perceived him as, with a dash of, menacing playfulness? But just enough chaos mixed to keep anyone from truly figuring him out.

Still to this day it was difficult to read him. But in some ways, you really enjoyed it. And some parts of you, deep down, did enjoy his company. He always had some dry or witty remark to make, no matter how unpleasant he could be at times.

“Are we still on for tonight?” You looked up at him, a small smile on your face as you both exited to the pool yard where music was blasting and it was permanently summertime, who would’ve thought you were in the Borderlands here, honestly.

Chishiya raised a brow as he spoke, “I’d assume, unless you’re gonna be useless and sulk the whole time.” You rolled your eyes at him, an amused snort escaping you.

“No…! But,” You paused making him pause, “Ah, who knows maybe I’ll just get hit by a car and I won’t have to deal with that anymore.” You waved towards Nanami with her friends as you snickered, making Chishiya roll his eyes at your theatrics, forever the drama queen in his opinion.

“Y/n!” Your gaze shot to where Ryu and Hiroko were laid out in lawn chairs next to the pool where Akari was sitting at the edge. You glanced to Chishiya as you sighed with a shrug, he had attempted to part ways only for Hiroko to glare, “You too sour ass!” Chishiya’s gaze cut into Hiroko who didn’t budge in the slightest at him making you sigh as you rubbed your neck.

Truthfully, you couldn’t help but wonder if Chishiya actually made the effort in talking to anyone outside of you. And that could be argued that you generally initiated conversation. Had it not been for you, you doubt Hiroko would be able to stand Chishiya at all.

“What’s up?” You asked as you both stood in front of their chairs, Hiroko crossed her legs, a margarita in hand despite it being lunch time at best but hey, you couldn’t exactly blame her given the state of where you all lived.

Her expression crumpled a little as she looked between you and Nanami who was on the other side of the pool, “You two good? We ah...heard some yelling?” She raised a brow making you huff as you crossed your arms, looking away from them, “Okay…” Hiroko clacked her tongue, “Well we’re getting ready to go out to get some supplies, food stock is getting low in the back and we needed some help.”

Chishiya’s expression twisted just by a hair making Hiroko’s eyes sharpen on him as he looked away giving a very loud sigh as if inconvenience by this, “Is there an option to decline?”

“No.”

“We’d be happy to help.” You glanced at Chishiya briefly before given a smile to Hiroko and Ryu, “I’ve never done a supply run before so you’ll have to show me the ropes though.” Truth be told you kept yourself fairly busy. You often enjoyed exploring in your off time, and while sitting at the pool was nice, it got fairly boring by yourself day in and out.

So you went out to the parks you knew, you’d go to the ocean front when possible, you had even taken up the hobby of going on a jog each morning. Anything to remind you that you were alive. Contrary to how some perceived it, you felt almost numb in a way to your life being put on the line. To be put into extremely perilous situations, it had taken a toll on your mental health.

Even if you couldn’t recognize it at the moment, and so you had tried your best to pick up hobbies to keep you occupied and away from the addictive sensation of Games. So you often took walks now and explored around the city in your free time.

“It’s easy!” Hiroko stood up as she smiled brightly at your enthusiasm compared to the sour grey cloud that crossed his arms while rolling his eyes, “We have a masterlist written out of what we need to get, you’re free to pick up anything you’d like while we’re out!”

“Anything…?” You tilted your head before a smile tugged on your lips, “Alright! Lemme just go get something to change into on our way out!” Everyone thought you were either vain or insecure but truthfully, you just really hated the swimwear rule.

The moment you stepped off beach property was the moment you were wearing sweatpants and something comfortable. After you had gotten changed the four of you set off as you looked down the long list, mainly canned goods were needed, some dry goods as well and…”Are these farm locations?”

“Mhm, we can get a lot of fresh produce from there! It took awhile of searching but it’s a pretty good spot! We’ll get that on our way back though!” Ryu answered chipperly as he leaned back in his seat up front looking the exact opposite Chishiya who was slouched in his seat looking bored.

You actually quite enjoyed the ride, they used the CD player in the car to play music and briefly, you were taken back to a time in life when things weren’t so intense. It’s hard to believe you ever had a problem in your old life before you came to the Borderlands, everything in comparison now seems so...Childish, in a way, your problems weren’t as bad as you ever thought.

After helping gather canned goods and whatever snacks were on the list you had made your way through the store, stray shopping carts were abandoned and remnants of life still remained, not a lot, but just enough for it to feel eery, it really did make you wonder what happened to everyone.

“There’s a cart right there, you’re gonna break the ones you already have if you keep that up.” You snapped your head to glare at Chishiya as you fumbled with the canvases you were holding, “You know that used to be someone's cart right!” You rolled your eyes as you set them down in the empty cart that had been rolled towards the notebook section.

“And now it’s yours. You’re so emotional.” He sighed in exasperation, his eyes sharply looking down at all the paint material before he snorted as if amused by something making your brows furrow in suspicion.

“I’m not! It’s just having human decency, you know people used to live in this place before whatever happened,” You crossed your arms, tutting as you kneeled down, grabbing a jar of paint in each color, “Although I won’t lie, the cost of living has effectively gone down since then.”

You briefly looked at the expensive price tag that was placed under the paints before placing them into the cart carefully as you twisted back around, rolling the cart towards the brushes.

“Just at the cost of living now,” Chishiya puffed as he crossed his arms, “Shouldn’t you be buying psychology books or something more useful?” His gaze narrowed as you looked over your shoulder at him, now annoyed at his presence that was endlessly judging your every move.

“Shouldn’t you be helping Hiroko find the chip aisle?” Chishiya’s gaze turned cold making you snort, a smile of amusement dancing on your lips as you plucked the first brush from it’s container, “Okay...I guess not. You two really don’t like each other huh.”

“She’s an idiot that thinks she’s smarter than she is,” Chishiya replied, that loose cold tone of his as always making you roll your eyes, “I’d rather be here then in her insufferable presence.” a bit harsh but this was Chishiya, he often rolled between seemingly innocent and scheming to downright cold hearted at times.

“I’m flattered that you’re so interested in my hobbies then!” You replied with a fake peppiness as you swirled around to face him, dumping a pile of brushes into the cart, “Also, just because I’m a psych major doesn’t mean my whole life revolves around it. It’s like saying just because your a med student all you know is how to OD someone and that’s all you do.”

Chishiya clacked his tongue as he raised his brows while shrugging making your expression crumple as you huffed, crossing your arms, “Have you killed someone before coming here? Seriously? I would NOT want you to be my doctor.”

This made somewhat of an amused smirk quirk on his lips as he looked down at you, “I haven’t, but I supposed if it made you feel better I can say I have.” You rapidly blinked, staring at him as if he was insane, “How is that supposed to make me feel better? That just makes me even more uneasy, you could be lying through your teeth and I’d never be able to tell.”

You flailed your arms as you rolled the cart out of the aisle, Chishiya following behind making no effort to show he was in a hurry as he snorted, “For a psychology major I guess I just thought you’d be better at reading people. Guess you’re dumber than you look huh.”

“Do you have some kind of god complex with being smart?” You turned to face him as your expression contorted, “Because yes! I fully admit I’m an idiot, that's not an insult to me. My power is not in my brain but my heart, unfortunately.” You pointed at your heart before wincing a little, truthfully it wasn’t always what it was cracked up to be, “You know what- What’s with that anyways?” You furrowed your brows as you leaned your arms against the handle of the cart, “You really value intellect that much?”

You had noticed that pattern in Chishiya’s speech, an insult he regularly used was among demeaning to someone's intelligence, but not in the childish way it was often used, he meant it literally. As if nothing could be more embarrassing to someone then being dumb, to which you didn’t understand or hold any value too. He was proof that intelligent people were not always the most kind hearted.

Chishiya stared at you for a long minute, his expression unchanging as you shrugged pushing the cart as you peered down the next aisle, “I view life as a game I intend to win,” He relented making you pause as you looked back at him, your head titled, his smile looked viscous as he spoke, “And anyone who doesn’t have any wit to play is destined to lose. And I will win, because nobody is smart enough to beat me.”

You puffed a breath as you raised your brows with a breathy chuckle, “You sound like you need a good group therapy session, is all I hear when you speak. But hey, I guess you’re doing great now considering our lives are being turned into literal games now. I guess every mentality pays off in it’s own way.”

You picked up the pack of prism colored pencils from the end cap as you flipped them to look at the back of the package, “And all I hear is a defeatist mentality from you.” You peered up at Chishiya with an amused expression at his words as you shook your head, all he did was talk but never made any point, was he trying to figure you out in the elusive way possible?

“I’m not a defeatist, I’m just not as ruthless as you, in the way I view life that is. Why? Are you curious about my take on the world?” You teased a little, knowing this would immediately disengage him and just as you thought you watched him puff a breath, his arms crossing and his gaze becoming narrow.

“Why would I have any interest in someone who openly admits to being an idiot?” Chishiya replied, that irritated cat-like expression on his face and that annoying sing-song tone of his, you sighed, rolling your eyes, having learned to not take his cold words so seriously anymore, “If anything, the more you speak, the more confirmation I have that you’re right, you’re a total moron that has no clue what she’s ever talking about.”

Your face scrunched a little as you placed the pack of pencils in the cart before turning to face him, “Then why are you still talking to me?” You asked, raising your hands a little, and when he didn’t reply you smiled, “I mean really, if I’m so obnoxiously stupid, to the point of even admitting it, Wouldn’t it make sense that you’d just ignore me?”

Chishiya sighed as he glanced up at the ceiling, “Because you’re the most tolerable out of everyone here. But even you just open your mouth and shit flies out, I thought maybe with you being in an intellectual major you’d be more prophetic than you are?”

He stopped in a look of mild confusion at why you were giggling so much at his words, you had to cover your mouth as you raised your brows in delight, “Awwh! I didn’t realize you thought of me like that! I would’ve tried harder to psychoanalyze you more if that was the case!”

You laughed as you pushed your hair back leaning against the cart as you shook your head in amusement, “No but seriously, I think you’re getting psychology and philosophy mixed up here. I still only have one functioning braincell, sorry to disappoint.” Your nose scrunched as you smiled before pushing the cart into the next aisle.

“To answer your original question, since wifi isn’t a thing and the internet virtually doesn’t exist anymore I’m trying to find new hobbies to keep me out of games from boredom.” Admittedly, it wasn’t that, you’d say you were addicted to the feeling of putting your life on the line. You hadn’t been in the Borderlands that long.

But something about the adrenaline and the peril need to solve something, it kept your mind active and buzzing for a good few days, even after clearing a game. You already had over two weeks on your visa so there wasn’t really a need to go out and do something as reckless as playing a game.

Truthfully, you were very grateful you had run into Hiroko and Ryu in your first game, and admittedly also Chishiya who had found the Beach in the matter of hours after being told. Because of them, you weren’t nearly as fearful as you could have been, even now.

Being with your friends who were more experienced, it gave you confidence that you’d all solve everything and things would turn out okay. And maybe to some degree that mentality was dangerous.

More than anything, you knew you needed to become desensitized to the games and the cruel reality of the Borderlands if you wanted to last long. That was the real reason you had been pushing yourself to clear games every few nights. You weren’t addicted to the sensation, you just needed to push yourself into an indifferent state of mind.

It wasn’t healthy, you above anyone else knew that, but you knew it was necessary for your mind to adapt to survive.

“What about you med boy? Don’t you have any hobbies outside of fucking with people and making kids cry?” Your lips curled into a smile as you looked over your shoulder, watching Chishiya clack his tongue, rolling his eyes as you snorted.

“What makes you think I talk to children?” You raised your hands in surrender, “Fair enough,” You glanced at him, the silence loud for just a brief moment before you tried to fight the smile on your face as you pressed your tongue into your cheek as he continued, “I’m like anyone else, I can go for a good game of mahjong, chess and on occasion I enjoy building an taser gun-”

You paused as you whirled around, “A what gun?” Your brows crinkled together in confusion at how his sentence jumped from zero to one hundred as quick as it did.

Chishiya made a noise that sounded something between a scoff and snort at your contorted expression, his hands in his pockets as he leaned against the shelf, “I was in robotics as a kid and straight A’s in science and chemistry. I build things.”

“Like...weapons?” You rubbed your head as you frowned, looking away from him as you let out a somewhat wry laugh, “Jeez, so you’re basically saying you’ve always been this intense even before the Borderlands huh.” You puffed a breath as you puckered your lips, suddenly a childish smile on your face, “Wait! So in theory…! Could you...build like a- a slingshot?”

“What are you a child?”

“Well...what about...a bing-bag gun?”

“Already did that in grade school.”

“Stun gun?”

“Vague description but yes I’ve built things similar in function.”

Your lips twisted into a pout as you let your chin rest on the handlebar of the cart, “...Flamethrower?”

Chishiya’s eyes squinted a little as you smiled in victory before he sighed, “No but that’s theoretically the easiest to build.” You crossed your arms, he was just giving excuses now!

“How? How could a flame thrower be easy to build!?” You threw up your arms now annoyed at his confidence.

“Ah, any flammable spray can and lighter, next question?” He quirked a brow, now looking semi amused at your expression as you huffed, now out of ideas, to be fair, just how many weapons could be built from scratch anyways? Impressive sure, but before the Borderlands, just how useful was it anyways? Let alone legal?

“Okay well I’m out of things to ask,” You clacked your tongue, looking away from him briefly before smiling, “Oh…! It’s probably a bad idea but we should go find a spray can, then, I’ve never tried that before!”

What’s the worst that could happen anyways?

“You...burned the store down…?” Akari rubbed her head in disbelief as you pouted, Hiroko having thoroughly chewed your ass out on how irresponsible you were as you sat in the pool chair, your hands on your face and your cheeks puffed.

“How was I supposed to know the flames traveled up to seven feet! It’s Chishiya’s fault, he should’ve at least given me a fair warning!” You threw up your hands as you accused the unbothered blonde.

“I tried, didn’t I?” Chishiya laid out in his chair next to you, a pair of black aviators covering his eyes and this had to be the first time you had seen him without his jacket on, his hair shockingly tied up into a bun and away from his face aside the two strands hanging down as always.

“But like always you wouldn’t shut up and stop to listen. So I thought experience would be the best teacher,” Chishiya shrugged casually, a smug expression on his face as he spoke, “Fortunately for me that’s the last time Hiroko ever asks us to go out with them again. It's a win-win if you look at it like that.”

You whined as you bounced in your seat, leaning back as you sighed, “Hiroko was so pissed off she said she didn’t wanna see me the rest of the day. She really could be a mom.”

“Awh’ does that mean you ain’t coming tonight for the game?” Akari flicked her hat up a little as she raised a brow making you slump with a sigh, you were sure you could go, Hiroko wouldn’t actually stick to her word but...You admittedly felt kinda bad, you just wanted to kill a little time while Ryu and Hiroko finished up.

“I’ll probably sit tonight out, it’s not like I need to clear a game anyways, my visa has nearly two weeks on it and I don’t wanna do a game by myself.” You crossed your arms with a sulk, you didn’t feel confident enough in yourself to attempt a game without anybody else, and if you died nobody would ever know.

Akari whistled as she pressed the beer bottle to her lips, “That sucks,” She took a long chug as your nose wrinkled a little, “But hey! Maybe you could talk to Nanami, she’s been pretty sour the whole morning. I tried talkin’ to her earlier but she was pretty snippy.”

You curved a brow in curiosity, sure Nanami had been mad at you but Akari? They were probably closer friends then you and Akari were any day of the week, “Why?” You rubbed your head, maybe she was just in a mood altogether today.

Akari’s face twisted as she snorted, “Because of you.”

Your head collapsed against the chair as you inhaled sharply, “If she’s still mad about this morning then I’m gonna need a drink before I even try to talk to her. Do you know what’s going on with her? Because I’m extremely lost as to what her problem is.”

Akari placed a hand on her hip as she sighed in exasperation, “I dunno’ other than maybe that group of friends she’s with. They’re all pretty bad apples in my humble opinion, ever since she started hanging out with them she's been pretty moody.”

You placed a hand on your forehead as you sighed, “Right, of course, it’s always the friends,” You collapsed back into your chair as you stretched out, “Listen, don’t get me wrong,” you placed a hand in front of you to block out the sun as you looked up at Akari, “I love Nanami, and I want to work things out with her. I do, but right now?”

You clacked your tongue in semi disappointment, “Me trying to talk to her is only going to make her push me away even more and make even dumber choices. If she needs to go through this, then she’s gonna have to go through it. I’ll be here for her regardless.”

You had known your sister long enough to know that anytime she acted like this, you trying to talk to her would only push her further away and that’s not what you wanted to do. The only difference was you had never seen her go so...extreme before…

And the last thing you wanted was for Nanami to go off the deep end because of you and possibly...you shuddered at the idea, the possibilities were endless here in the Borderlands where there were no laws for people to abide by.

Akari sighed as she took her hat off, fanning it over her face as she rubbed her head, “Hey, it’s not my place to tell ya what to do with your sister, all I’m saying is it may be beneficial to at least try.” She shrugged as she walked away making you groan.

You could try again but you had a feeling it wouldn’t get you anywhere with her. It felt odd to think about, because one part of you felt like you had nothing but time now except for the constant loom of imminent death. You wouldn’t deny the fear that constantly set inside you at the idea of Nanami going into a game and never coming back.

But what could you really do? Outside irritate her and push her to continue doing harmful things? You supposed, in some ways, you were a hypocrite, you were putting your life on the line for nothing other than out of wanting to break the cycle, to remember truly what it means to live, without it even being necessary. You wouldn’t blame her for being angry at you for that.

“Hmm, I didn’t realize you actually let people dictate what you do in your free time, you’re a pretty big push over.” You slowly twisted in your seat to glare at Chishiya’s lounged out figure looking like a cat in the sun as he spoke in a sing-song tone.

“...Do you ever shut up?”

“Not particularly.”

You clacked your tongue, huffing as you collapsed back in your chair, “Well what? You wanna do a game together? I just…” You held up your hands, looking at them as you scrunched your nose, “Feel like if I went with you, there’s a good chance you’d probably use me as bait or something and I’d end up getting killed.”

“Wasn’t that your goal this morning?” Chishiya lifted his aviators as he turned to look at you from his laid out position, you squinted a little, crossing your arms once more as you leaned back in your seat.

“Well- yeah…” You fumbled before squinting even harder at Chishiya’s expression, “But now that you said it like that I have to not die out of pure spite, you didn’t answer my question by the way. I doubt you wanted to do a game with Hiroko anyways.” You rolled your eyes, still not understanding why Chishiya had such a distaste for her.

Sure she was a little accusative and Hiroko obviously didn’t trust him, but could Chishiya, genuinely say that wasn’t for good reason? You had figured out that this man, if anything, was self aware of how he came across from an outside perspective. That was the part that baffled you, how could he blame someone for distrusting him?

Even you distrusted Chishiya to a certain extent, and you had no problems letting him casually know such as now. Truly, you couldn’t rule out the possible idea of being used as bait in a game by him and not even realizing it.

Honestly, given the environment you lived in, you could at least appreciate that he kept you on your toes. And you supposed that was the difference between you and Hiroko, she wanted to trust all of her friends. You weren’t so caught up in that.

Because really, even in the outside world, before the Borderlands, friends could hardly be trusted fully. And those he believed in such, were always disappointed, friends lied, gossiped, went behind your back, slept with previous boyfriends. You hardly trusted anyone fully, in that sense, it wasn’t hard for you to just let go of some of Chishiya’s less then morally good behavior

Chishiya only waved a hand, “If you think we’ll find someone more interesting than your dry friends.”

“My dry friends,” You raised a brow as you twisted to look at his unbothered figure, “Act like you’re unassociated all you want but that doesn’t make you not part of the group. You are so weird. Anyways yeah sure, they just got word today that a new venue opened up at the bridge, we could go there.”

“You’re still a pushover.”

“What the fuck.” You replied deadpan as you stared him down, watching in annoyance at his sunglasses being put back on as he leaned back in his chair but the unmistakable cheshire smirk on his face as you rolled your eyes, “You're just asking to be torn apart.”

“So then why don’t you do it?” Chishiya challenged you casually, evening daring to lift his drink as he took a long sip before speaking up once more, “All you do is threaten people. How am I supposed to take you serious when you never follow through?”

“Last time I did it I made a man commit suicide.” You replied dryly, something in your tone lingering as you glanced out over the pool where everyone just pretended like they didn’t see people slaughtered night after night.

Escapism, was a very raw and primal way of coping with a shitty reality, you understood the concept well enough before the Borderlands, but ever since coming here, it became more and more apparent to you just how common it really was. What were you supposed to do with blood staining your hands.

Red caught your attention briefly as your eyes flickered to your hands that were clean as always. Staring down at them in wonder you couldn’t help but think, that some parts of you would never be the same after this. No amount of therapy or inner healing would bring you back to a time in your life where you hadn’t witnessed the atrocities you had.

Some parts of you, were amazing at blocking out the Borderlands, taking the days you were alive for granted until the moment your heart was pounding and scared for your life, it was an addictive type of feeling in the most terrifying way.

“It was hardly suicide,” Chishiya snorted, not at all perturbed like you were, you looked at him, staring into his figure that drew his attention as he raised a brow, looking unbothered, “You don’t feel the same? All human life is parasitic and is temporary, he would’ve died here anyways, it’s like you said, it doesn’t take much to break the weak link.”

You smacked your lips together as you sighed, some parts of you not surprised at how much of a nihilist Chishiya was, “It doesn’t matter whether his life was baseless and humans are parasitic,” You looked away from him again as you muttered, “It doesn’t change the fact I was the one who manipulated someone into killing themselves.”

Staring down at your hands they trembled only if you looked close enough, briefly you could remember a broken bottle in your hands, sticky wet substance covering them and- “Doesn’t change the fact he would’ve died. It was us or him.” Chishiya shrugged, that snarky yet innocent look on his face as he spoke, “Maybe it’s you who needs therapy.”

“Probably.” Your eyes traced down your fingers before sighing, running a hand through your hair, “If you’re gonna be a nihilist then I’ll see myself to the bar.” Chishiya waved a hand unbothered as you got up from your seat.

If you ever escaped the Borderlands you were absolutely going to be the one at the sitting end of a therapy office instead of the listening side.

----

“You’re a horrible driver.” Your nose was scrunched and you had a death grip on the side of the door of the car, you’d think for someone who was so analytical they’d be more careful. Chishiya? No, he was aggressive with sharp turns and fast pace making you hold on for dear life.

“I never got a license.” Chishiya replied in a sing song tune that you were beginning to find extremely annoying, that stupid smirk on his face as you opened the door the car, stepping out as you grabbed your neck.

“You know,” You turned to face him now standing just before the bridge, “If I’m gonna die here-” Chishiya sighed exasperated as you held up a hand, “What is your fascination with wanting to die?-” “No listen- I’m not saying I will but if,” You stressed the word, “If I die here, I really don’t want it to be from your shitty subpar driving skills.”

Chishiya snorted, rolling his eyes as you both stepped past the platform to which you had been informed awhile ago that there really was no turning back from games, you had...subconsciously assumed that, never having even thought it would be possible to go back from a game, but it was just another stressful reality you’d have to navigate.

You notice three other people who stood around all looking unsure of each other and you both included. You weren’t sure what type of game would be held on the bridge, there were plenty of cars still and you couldn’t help but wonder.

“What if there’s only one survivor to this game? Is that a thing?” You leaned a little towards Chishiya who had stuffed his hands into his pocket, his eyes flickering to you as he raised a brow.

“Does your brain only function on one memory at a time?” Your expression twisted somewhat indignant making an amused half smile curl on Chishiya’s face causing your childish anger to further as you crossed your arms, “Yes they exist, and for that matter I’ll just let you die since you’re so determined to let it happen prematurely-” “It will with the way you drive.” “Stop being so dramatic.”

You puffed a breath as you shifted your weight, “No seriously, what if only one persons survives?” You asked, you hadn’t really thought about it truthfully, you had done games where it was possible but you supposed you had just been lucky, most games if not close to all, many could survive. Was that something you should be worried about. Chishiya only shrugged, not having an answer as you hummed.

It was only six o’clock and the sun was beginning to set, was anyone else going to, “Oh jeez, this doesn’t look promising.” You turned to where someone stood having just arrived. Oh...oh wow, this woman was tall and attractive. It looked like a cigarette was hanging from her lips and she sported nothing but jeans and a bikini top.

Your gaze flickered ahead where you frowned, “I really hate games with props.” You muttered, looking at the anklets that could be doubled as probation bands, seriously? Attaching it to your ankle you inspected that metal loop that dangled from the back, “Do you think they’ll blow our legs off if we move too fast?”

“Doubt it,” The woman spoke up cut in between you both as she grabbed on, inspecting it as she scoffed, “Especially given what we’re doin’. Looks like we’re gonna get real cozy now.”

You looked at the laptop that sat out as you tilted your head.

Game:

Difficulty: 5♠

“The game you will be participating in is, Seek and Destroy”

“That sounds...not fun.” Your nose wrinkled, it was a clubs game, meaning at least you could all work as a team to finish the objection, but...Seek and destroy? You briefly glanced at Chishiya but he remained expressionless, his full undivided attention on the screen.

“In this game there are cars sectioned across the bridge and within five cars, bombs have been planted. One bomb will be activated at a time, you will have five minutes to find it and disarm it. Should you be in the vicinity of the car bomb by the time it goes off you have two choices, Game Over or Test Life.” Your brows furrowed as you listened carefully, “Cables are attached to the bridge, should you be near one you may attach your anklet to it and choose to jump off the bridge to safety.”

“There are five car bombs all total, once the first bomb had been deactivated, the next will start. If you disarm all five, it’s a Game Clear, if you fail to disarm all five, it’s a Game Over.”

Rules

All players must remain on the bridge unless they choose to Test Life

You will have five minutes to plan your course of action, after the siren, the first bomb will be set

If all five bombs aren’t disarmed it’s a Game Over, the only exemption from this rule is if a Life Test is passed in trade.

If someone Tests Life and succeeds, they will make their way back to the bridge and return here as proof of success or it’s an automatic Game Over for them.

“Ha...ha! This should be easy!” A woman spoke up as she grabbed her head, “Guys! If we just chose to test life, we can all escape down, not break any rules and clear the game!” You heard a few others excitedly agree with her but you felt...unsure…

You glanced at Chishiya who remained stoic, the only other person who seemed to also not be sold was the woman next to you, who practically towered over you and looking up you only just realized her cigarette was fake, “You into women or something?” She winked causing you fumble a little as you stepped away, “I don’t judge.”

“I’m into not dying,” You replied as you looked at the laptop, the countdown having already started, Chishiya only shrugged as he spoke up, “Could’ve fooled me.” You rolled your eyes at him, he seemed curious as he followed the other three.

“It’s simple, I’ll just attach this and! Just look for some others!” She excitedly clipped the bungee cord to the metal hoop before she stood up on the ledge, lifting her arms as she breathed in a deep breath, “I’ll see you guys on the way down!”

Your eyes were wide at her blind faith as she fell down, Chishiya peered down as everyone watched in baited breath, “It’s dumb to assume things would be that easy on a Spades game which is based around physical exertion, true bungee jumping matches the energy, but that would be too easy.” Chishiya spoke, shrugging as you glanced at him briefly before back at the woman who had finally hit the bottom of her cord, you had expected her to bounce but you gasped a little as she jerked before you could only assume her anklet broke and she smashed straight into the water.

She...she had to die from the impact with nothing to break the fall from here to there, “Just as I expected,” He sighed in exasperation, everyone turned to Chishiya who appeared only semi annoyed, “Anyone who believed a game value of five would be that easy is truly an idiot,” He offered a snide smile, “Just as I thought, Test Life is meant literally and meant to be a last resort, either you die by a car bomb or you take a chance with a possible faulty cord or band. The only way we clear a game without disarming all five bombs is if one goes off and someone chooses to test life and doesn’t die, it’s not only risky but stupid to rely on.”

“Talk about cold,” The woman beside you spoke up, making Chishiya shrug loosely, “You couldn’t have said that five seconds sooner and we’d have a sixth player?” Her lip lifted a little in annoyance at Chishiya’s callous nature.

Chishiya offered a cold smile, “A hypothesis without any evidence is just an assumption.”

The woman had no words, probably taken aback at just how cold Chishiya was, you leaned in a little as you whispered, “You get used to it. Y/n,” You introduced yourself briefly with a weak smile, admittedly you had just accepted and gotten used to Chishiya’s nihilistic views.

“Harsh,” She snorted, “Kuina. You two seem acquainted.”

Your lips fell back into a grimace as you briefly looked at Chishiya who raised a brow at you, “Somehow...” You shook your head, truthfully, no matter how hard you tried to get away from this man, you always seemed to end up talking to him, or in situations like this with him, ��So what’s the plan Spock?” You shrugged as you looked at Chishiya, half your time of planning already over.

Chishiya didn’t reply at first and admittedly you wouldn’t consider him the embodiment of a leader, but you did think if anyone had a good calculation and strategy to go through this without messing up, it was him, “The rules stated nothing about having to disarm them in sequence, only that after the first was disarmed, a second would start and so forth.”

You frowned at his words making him sigh in exasperation as he looked away from you, “Which means if we broke into pairs we can just search all the cars and disarm them all within a reasonable amount of time and least amount of panic. You know,” Chishiya sneered, “They’re being quite charitable for a 5.”

“Okay great,” You sneered back in unappreciation giving back the same energy you were annoyed at being given at the moment, sure, you were dumb, you could admit it, and you had a feeling it really grated on Chishiya’s nerves that you in fact, did not consider it an insult in the least. You worked in the realms of irrationality of human nature, not the laws of logic like him.

In some ways, you considered yourself a polar opposite of him sometimes, “I’m glad this is easy for you. Just tell us what we need to do, jerk.”

Chishiya rolled his eyes at your expression, not surprised in the least at your attitude which he, just as always, ignored it, “There’s six of us- or was…” His lips curled into a menacing smirk, “There’ll be two pairs and one single person, one pair will go towards the back of the bridge and search the cars back to front, a bomb will most likely be placed in the hood of the car if the engines have been taken out or in the trunk. Another pair will search the beginning of the bridge starting from here and work their way towards the middle. Lastly the person by themselves will search the middle which won’t be as hard to go through alone.”

“Alright, then I’ll pair up with the blonde twink, I have a few words to talk to him about.” Kuina shrugged, making Chishiya’s gaze snap over, his expression briefly looking confused for a second at her wording as she offered a sharp smile, “What? Are you intimidated?”

Chishiya’s expression melted back into a cool tone, his gaze briefly looking over to you which you only observed the two, already getting the feeling you and Kuina were going to get along and hey, if you all survived this, you’d totally tell her about the Beach, “Hardly,” Chishiya snorted, “But in case you couldn’t tell I already have a partner.” You raised your brows looking around, wow, he was fast at deciding who would help him the most, “It’s you idiot.”

“Oh,” Your lips parted a little, admittedly feeling a little dumb forgetting, but honestly, who could blame you? You just assumed Chishiya would pair with the person most beneficial to him, after a second your lips curled into a smile as you shrugged, “Oh?” You raised your brows a little making Chishiya’s expression go a little exasperated as your smile turned into a grin, “Oh I don’t mind!” You spoke, smiling at Kuina as you waved her over to him, “Have fun with him, he’s a real blast! I can partner with one of you if you’d like, I’m a go with the flow kinda person.”

“I was a cross country runner! I can go by myself.” A girl, who looked like she was fresh out of highschool spoke as she volunteered herself, leaving you with only one partner, the male who...definitely looked like he could use a shower. He gave you a grimy smile which you weakly returned, “This just leaves us. I’m Daichi, and you m’lady?”

You could hear a strained laughter from two people as you looked over your shoulder, harshly glaring laser beams out of your eyes at Chishiya who had pulled his hood up to try and pretend like he totally wasn’t smiling while stifling his laughter while Kuina was more then openly laughing at your obvious short straw hand here, but hey...You did forfeit your partnership with Chishiya out of spite, this was in some way...deserved.

“Y/n. if everyone is sorted out, let’s take the far end of the bridge, it’s least likely they’d start the first bomb there right?” You looked towards Chishiya who shrugged, “What do we do about the bombs? I don’t exactly have any experience in the reams of demolition work.”

“It’s possible, as for the bombs I doubt they have anything complex. It’s probably made of some akin to a battery pack. Just rip the wiring from the pack and not the bomb.” He replied making you cross your arms, an amused expression on his face as he answered.

“...And if it’s not that simple...?”

“I guess we’ll find out.” He used that sing song tone you groaned at, unhelpful as always as you groaned, “Cheer up Y/n, it keeps things interesting.” What was his deal with things needing to be interesting...

“Well, let’s get going while we still have time,” You nodded to Daichi who nodded eagerly as you both began walking out onto the bridge, cars were scattered all across the bridge and this was admittedly going to take a lot of stamina to do, it was a Spades game, it was expected, but still.

You briefly felt uncomfortable, you could feel Daichi’s stares and he seemed like an okay guy but...Sometimes, more days than you wished, you could just feel a person’s energy and their intentions, Daichi was a perfect example of this. He was easy to read, from the way his eyes kept coping a feel at your body which wasn’t even in anything revealing besides the plain t-shirt you wore and sweatpants as per usual, “So Y/n, what were you before all of this.”

Your eyes briefly glanced at Daichi before ahead again, “I worked as a barista at a coffee shop,” You answered with a neutral expression, not wanting to come across bitchy or too nice.

Men in society, are told from a young age that so long as you’re nice, a good guy, doing the right thing, you’ll always get the girl. It twists the perception of reality for them, suddenly a women being nice is considered flirtation, a date to get to know one another will be rewarded with sex, there’s almost always a goal in mind when it comes to a Nice Guy.

You don’t think Daichi is one of these men, you could tell by the way he fidgeted and he seemed to hesitate and drag his words out a little, he was too insecure to truly feel that type of superiority. But he had that energy of a guy, who felt these things internally and therefore, if provoked, would probably end up saying the exact same things.

“Oh?” Daichi perked up a little, his smile was sincere if not a little awkward as his eyes lingered below your stomach, “Like at a maid cafe?”

“Like at a coffee shop,” You repeated yourself, not being too nice but not too mean, just neutral as you internally sighed, maybe you should’ve stayed partners with Chishiya, you knew he was an ass, but at least he didn’t act like this, or most men for that matter. You could at least appreciate his authenticity even if he was hardly honest, “Uh, let’s just focus on disarming these car bombs.”

You didn’t give Daichi a chance to reply as you heard the siren go off, breaking off into a sprint because you weren’t even halfway across the bridge yet. You needed to be to the end of the bridge within five minutes if the first bomb was there. Though the chances were low, they weren’t zero.

You weren’t someone considered extreme fit but you did walk a lot and it seemed you made a lot better head way then Daichi as he was out of breath and had his hands on his knees as you arrived at the end of the bridge, the first car bomb had to be disarmed by now and it had taken a good few minutes to even get here, “Okay, let’s separate and start looking at cards, hoods first then trunks.”

Daichi nodded, still out of breath as you started on the first car, popping the hood as you searched in before going to the trunk. Leaving it open so you wouldn’t confuse it later on as you had a lot of cars to go through. You hoped Chishiya and Kuina were at the very least, having better luck then you.

…

“So I’m guessing you two have probably fucked.” Kuina clacked her tongue as she watched you in the distant sprinting off, in her opinion probably running away from that creep, not that she could blame you, it did give her a good laugh.

Chishiya’s gaze remained neutral as he ignored Kuina’s comment. Tch, Chishiya made the exception of tolerating your idiocy purely because, to some degree, he’d admit, you were one of the few people he found interesting, he wasn’t sure he could do that for someone else who he wouldn’t consider as such, especially as self entitled as this woman, “I wouldn’t fuck someone like her. You aren’t good at reading people. Let's start searching and not waste time.”

Kuina raised her hands up, flicking the wooden cigarette in her mouth as she shrugged, “Alright but you can’t fool me with those eyes. It’s clear you two got some chemistry,” She snorted at his lack of reply, “Anyways, what’s your deal?” She asked, furrowing her brows as they both separated, searching through the hoods before popping the trunks, “Bit cold to just let someone die like that.” She called out.

“In case you’re inferior mind couldn’t tell,” Chishiya leaned against the back of the car as he smiled coldly, “We needed hard proof that Test Life was literal and not only this, but if this equipment is even stable. Which it isn’t, obviously.” Chishiya shrugged casually, “And we wouldn’t have known if someone dumb enough didn’t want to try,” He let out a sing song tone as he smiled in that false innocence of his, “I just consider it natural selection in the Borderlands.”

Kuina grimaced a little, talk about borderline inhumane, “Oh look what we have here,” Chishiya looked delighted at the sight of the first bomb, it’s quiet tick ever impending to it’s explosion, Kuina quickly came over as she scratched her head, “So we know we’re supposed to disarm them, but we were never told how...Is it really as simple as you said?” She rolled her eyes.

Chishiya snorted, “This is a basic homemade bomb, and surprise, surprise, it has a battery pack attached, it doesn’t take a genius to know to just pull the wiring and there won’t be any energy to dispense to the denotation.” And just like they, he yanked the wiring from the remote pack and the ticking stopped.

Kuina felt a breath of relief escape her, obviously not confident in his abilities and who could blame her? For as smart as Chishiya was, it was difficult to trust the man, nor would it be wise of anyone.

“Great, glad we got a bomb expert on our side,” Kuina sighed, pushing her hands into her pockets before yelling out, “We got one!” As loud as she could, it echoed off the bridge and she was sure at least the highschooler heard her, “Anyways that’s boring. So you consider it natural selection huh- harsh. What ‘bout her then? Seems like you only wanted to be with her.”

“What about her?” Chishiya, now annoyed, turned to Kuina, who was truthfully, only stirring the pot because she enjoyed getting under people’s skin, this blonde’s in particular, “We entered the game together? I guess?” He raised his brows, that dark, yet low innocent expression on his face as he spoke, “I’d assume it’s natural isn’t it? To stick to what one knows? But instead I’m stuck with you.”

Kuina only offered a menacing smile in return, “In full glory,” She gestured down to herself proudly, “Listen- I’m only stating what I see, that and this is pretty amusing to listen too. It’s not often I get put in a game that isn’t high intensity.” Admittedly, while Kuina would never openly admit to it, Chishiya being here had definitely calmed things down a little, had it not been for his pure cut logic, things would probably be more hectic.

“I got one!” Kuina looked up at the sound of the highschool girl screaming out, echoing distantly as Kuina curled her fists in victory, “Alright, just three to go, we’ll be done in no time.” Chishiya only looked over his shoulder, saying nothing as he continued searching through cars, “For someone so smart, you sure don’t look victorious.”

“It’s foolish to assume victory during a battle,” Chishiya spoke, “At least that’s something Sun Tzu would’ve said, we only have two done in a field of cars. They were forgiving with the obvious rules but not so much in the size of the game. It’ll be a tight fit trying to find the last one within five minutes.”

Kuina rubbed her head, that was true, she guessed, but she didn’t see it like that. The faster they looked and disabled these bombs, the quicker they could find others. It couldn’t be that difficult.

“But we don’t know where they’re placed, it could be to our advantage that most of them are clumped togeth- Oh…” Kuina paused at the sight of a ticking bomb just inches away from her, apprehension in her face as she stepped away, she could fight with her fists any day of the week but a bomb? No thanks, “Disarm this so I don’t kill us on accident.”

Chishiya looked smug as she rolled her eyes and with in moments he disarmed it as Kuina called out, the third one finished and only two left to go, if all went well just as planned, then they would have an easy night.

“Whatever the case is, as long as nobody screws up this will be easy,” Chishiya’s lips twitched into a smirk as he spoke, “They’re pretty stupid to label this a five when it’s really a three.” He supposed, at least this was another build up on his visa which was extending more and more by the day.

It wasn’t, that Chishiya was interested in death. No, it was quite the opposite, he was fascinated in why there was so much death, what was the reason? He hadn’t come up with a solid theory yet, but it was in the works. And furthermore, games and their mechanics were quite interesting, death being a punishment was only an added twist which was, admittedly beginning to get a little dull in his opinion.

After all it was difficult to threaten someone with death when they had no fascination in life whatsoever, “Well, just a little more to go and we’ll be finished.” Kuina yawned out, admittedly ready to eat a hot boil of ramen after this before crashing.

What neither of them expected was the loud booming echo of an explosion black smoke blooming the air both of them were taken a back as they ran to the side railing of the bridge attempting to look for where the explosion was, only to watch you being blasted off the railing straight off the bridge.

This was not going as planned.

...

Three Minutes Earlier…

Searching through the car trunk you rubbed your head, you had heard some shouting earlier indicating that the highschool student had already found a bomb and you had heard previous yelling as well, twice, once before the highschool student, another just a minute ago. This game was going fast. You sighed as you shoved your hands into your pocket, it would be bullshit if there wasn’t a single bomb at the back of the bridge.

You supposed it would very fortunate but, you ran all the way here, for nothing if there wasn’t.

Not to mention you and Daichi had gotten through quite a few cars in minimal time, he has just finished car and was making his way towards the edge of the bridge where on the last few cars of this little sliver were at, you admittedly, still had a long way too go.

You sighed walking over to a Mercedes which looked extremely expensive- maybe you could get someone from the Beach to fix it up…You groaned at the sound of heavy breathing, was Daichi trying to run again?

You peered over the hood of your car until to see him stiff as a board in front of a hood of a white Sudan.

Sometimes, you can just tell, when something is wrong. Nothing needs to be said, or heard. This was one of those moments where you felt a deep pit in your stomach. You made your way over in a hurry only to head an impending tick and Daichi’s hands were on the bomb making you almost immediately back away, “Uhh...okay cool you found it…” Daichi’s hands trembled and his breath was heavy as you watched a bead of sweat drip down his neck.

“Just uh...disarm it now.” You frowned a little, peering behind his shoulder to see the timer at was at a minute. Shit this must’ve been the next one activated, “Quickly.”

Daichi’s hands shook harder as he spoke hurriedly, “I...I don’t know how!” He freaked out sweat dripping off his chin as you backed away a little further, finding the edge of the bridge behind you and stepping on something.

“Just...do it like Chishiya said! Daichi we only have forty seconds!” You urged him, trying not to freak him out any further, “Ah here I’ll do it!”

“No!” Daichi screamed out, clutching it further as he spoke harshly, “If- if it’s moved it’ll explode!” He cried out, your heart rate was spiking and if he didn’t do anything you both were going to get killed, “Just rip off the wiring from the pack. Just like Chishiya said.” You shuffled a little, looking down only to see a cord piled up beneath your right foot.

Swallowing you carefully walked closer to him as you offered a weak smile, “Listen to me,” Daichi trembled and shook as his gaze flickered between the bomb and you, “Just…” twenty seconds left, “Take the wiring and pull it out.” You urged gently.

“How do we even know if we can trust that guy!?” Daichi cried out, “He- he just let a woman die just to see if he was right! We can’t trust him!” Daichi screamed out as you tried to calm your wild heart rate. He needed to calm down and at least try, a try was better than letting the timer go off.

“Chishiya is an expert with chemistry, science and medicine. If anyone knows how to disarm something I’d place my life on him.” That was a very bold claim you weren’t sure you’d actually put into practice but it was true.

Ten seconds.

You fumbled backwards as Daichi hyperventilated, “He practically killed someone! If I do something! It’ll be by my own choice!” He screamed out making you jump as you fumbled to lean down, grabbing the metal hook as you attached it to the cuff of your anklet, but it was too late. Daichi ripped the wiring not from the pack, but the bomb.

You don’t see it, you only see vivid hues of orange and red and blistering heat as the force of the explosion blew you right off the edge. The sky, truly was beautiful, even in your last moments.

Note: If you guys would like to form a taglist, just let me know so you can keep up to date when I post a new chapter! Hope you enjoyed and let me know your thoughts!! :)

#alice in borderland #aib imagine #chishiya x reader smut #chishiya x reader #aib x reader #aib smut #alice in borderland x reader

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krreader · 6 years ago

Text

Monsta X reacting to you and your teenage child fighting.

pairing: monsta x x reader fandom: monsta x warnings: mentions of sex ; mentions of choking ; asshole kids lol ; language genre: angst ; fluff

a/n: awww thank you so much bb! also thank you for requesting something monsta x related, omfg. I’ve been planning on writing something for them for so long, so this makes me super happy! i hope you like it ♥

ask box | masterlist | masterlist for original stories | fandoms | faq

son hyunwoo

Listen, Hyunwoo loved his daughter with all his heart, he really did.

But when he came home that day and heard her call you a stupid bitch, she crossed a line. And even though he usually took her side when it came down to fights and petty arguments and tried to find a solution that would be alright for both you and her, this time, there was no debate on whose side he was on.

“Is that how you talk to the woman that raised you?” he crossed his strong arms in front of his chest.

“It was one bottle. One fucking bottle. It's not like I would have died from it.”

Hyunwoo was a bit lost, so he turned his head to look at you, “She stole alcohol from the kitchen and wanted to take it to that party you wanted to drive her tonight.”

“So not only are you cursing at your mother, but you're also ignoring the deal we made? You're 15. Most parents don't even let their kids out for parties at that age, yet your mother and I would have let you, would have driven you there and picked you up again. And you still go against our one rule that we had of being no drinking?”

“I..- I just wanted to be cool..”

“Drinking alcohol does not make you cool,” you shook your head, “Your friends might tell you that, but trust me, it's not true.”

She let out a long sigh and fell back onto the couch, her head dropping against the pillows behind her.

“I'm sorry, mom.. I didn't want to be so mean,” she watched you smile slightly, but then turned her head to her father, “So.. about that party.”

“Absolutely not. No parties, whatsoever. You had your chance and you ruined it.”

She didn't even bother discussing it, because she knew that when it was both you and him against her, there was no chance for her being able to get what she wanted.

You were a good team, she had to give you that.

shin hoseok

Hoseok came home late that night and was surprised to find the entire house empty.. almost as if nobody was home yet, but he had seen lights so he was assuming both you and your son were upstairs already.

So with furrowed eyebrows he walked up the stairs and gently knocked on your bedroom, only to find you wiping away the tears and quickly turning to your side so he wouldn't see them.

But you and him had been married for too long for him not to know when you were crying.

“(Y/N),” he quickly dropped his bag and laid down on the bed behind you, pulling you into an embrace, “What happened?”

“Nothing,” you didn't want to tell him, he'd only become upset.

Your son was in his puberty and everyone knew that puberty turned teenagers into little assholes sometimes. But this had been the first time that your son had insulted you and you couldn't even say anything back because you had just been so shocked..

“Talk to me,” he hated it when you cried, because then he always wanted to cry too. Hoseok's hand gently brushed over the back of your head as you had now turned around and were crying into his chest.

“It's just.. Minho wasn't in a good mood today and he let it out on me.. it's fine it was just..-”

“What did he say to you?”

“Not important,” you pressed yourself closer against him.

But it was important to him. The fact that whatever your son had said affected you so much that you were crying? He couldn't let that slide.

And so he held you as long as it took for you to finally fall asleep, before he made his way into his son's bedroom and had a long, long discussion with him on how to properly treat your mother. He told his son that you had been crying for god knows how long and that it was all his fault, making sure his boy knew what he had done.

And well, the next morning, your husband and you found breakfast already waiting for you, his son having an apologetic smile on his face.

lee minhyuk

You were all sitting in the living room, having a movie night with the family, meaning you, Minhyuk and your kids. Your youngest daughter was sitting between you two, while your two sons were sitting on the floor.

And they were, once again, fighting over which movie to watch.

“You guys, you better stop this right now or your father is going to decide,” you said sternly.

“As long as it's not you, you're way too fucking boring.”

Your daughter immediately put her hands over her ears when she heard the curse word, your other son slowly sliding away, because he knew what was about to happen, you staring at your son in disbelief and Minhyuk.. well.

“What did you just say?” his voice was dangerously low.

“I..,” he gulped down hard, his lids blinking rapidly, “I didn't..-”

“Get up. And go into your room. And don't you dare come out of it for the next two hours. Got it?” he got louder by the end of it. So much, that your eldest son got up straight away and pretty much ran up the stairs.

And later that night, when all of the kids were already asleep and you watched Minhyuk come out of the bathroom that was connected to your bedroom, you couldn't help but say: “You know.. I always love it when the angry dad comes out.”

“Do you?” he laughed and stood between your already spread legs, cupping your face and leaning down to press a soft kiss against your lips.

What a coincidence that the bedroom of your son was right next to yours. Minhyuk would prove to his son that you were not boring in the slightest. Even if he was probably branding him with the noises you two made for the rest of his life.

But honestly? It was his own fault.

yoo kihyun

“Do you know how much I hate you, mom?” you looked up from your laptop as your teenage daughter was suddenly standing in the dining room, her arms crossed in front of her chest and an angry frown on her face.

“Excuse me?”

“The fact that you threw Brian out last week because we made out, but you and dad were literally on top of each other when I came home.”

“Well, the difference is that your father and I are both adults who work and can actually feed children if we had any more and that you are not even 17 yet, do not have a job and quite frankly, I don't trust Brian to know how a condom works.”

“Oh, but dad does? Is that why I have four siblings?”

“You have four siblings, because your mother is fantastic in bed,” he suddenly stood behind his daughter, that same expression on his face that she had.

My god, they really looked so much like each other.

“You know what? You are as disgusting as she is. I hope you both choke.”

“Trust me, your mother is chocking almost every night because of me.”

And when she ran up the stairs screaming, you couldn't help but laugh.

“You do realize she's seriously going to hate you now?”

“Better me than you,” he walked over to you and placed a kiss on top of your head, “Because you only deserve the best.”

chae hyungwon

When you all began eating, none of you had probably expected dinner to go this way. You, as always, had made food for the family, making sure that everyone was happy and fed before they were going to bed, but then your teenage daughter had suddenly said: “So.. there is this party this weekend that I was thinking about going with a few friends.”

You immediately stopped eating, placing down the chopsticks and narrowing your eyes at her, “We're driving to your grandparents this weekend. You know that, because we've talked about it for weeks.”

“Well, yeah, but see, everyone is going to that party.”

“Everyone but you,” you quickly interrupted, “It's grandmas birthday and you haven't seen her in ages. You won't miss it, just because you want to get drunk on some party, especially not when neither me or your father are here to pick you up again.”

She stopped chewing on her food and swallowed it whole, leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms in front of her chest, “So that's it?”

“Yes. That's it. Now eat, or you'll be hungry again.”

Hyungwon hadn't even paid much attention to it all, to be honest. He was happily munching on his food and was used to his daughter's antics by now. He figured he'd just let you handle the situation, but maybe he should have intervened, because she suddenly said: “You know what mom? You're a stuck-up bitch,” and that was just unacceptable, even for someone like Hyungwon, who usually let a lot of her bullshit slide.

He threw the chopsticks onto the plate so loud, that all eyes were immediately on him, “Do you even realize how good you have it? How much we allow you to do? You're seventeen, yet your mother and I allow you to go to parties. She drives you to them and she always picks you up again. She makes sure you're okay, when you're drunk in her car and she holds your hair back as soon as you get home and throw up. But have you ever heard her complain? No. She only tells you that it's your own fault. She allows you so fucking much that no other parent would. And you're calling her a stuck-up bitch? Fine, then. Guess we'll have to change things around here.”

“No, dad, please, I didn't..-”

“No parties. For the next year.”

“WHAT?! A whole year?”

“I listened to your bullshit for long enough. But calling your mother a bitch is the final straw.”

Your daughter immediately started crying and ran up the stairs, but he had been right to do this. She needed this, otherwise she'd stay the brat that she was right now.

And as soon as all the kids were gone, you hugged him from behind while he was doing the dishes and kissed his shoulder blade, “Thank you.”

“Don't take it to heart, okay? You know she can be an asshole nowadays.”

“Don't worry..,” you waited until he was facing you, before smiling up at him, “I'm okay as long as I've got you by my side.”

“And you always will,” he pressed a kiss against your nose, fully meaning what he said.

lee jooheon

Sometimes the duality of your husband still surprised you.

You could hear him walk downstairs with your three year old, helping her down each stair, while making the cutest sounds in the world and that smile that he had on his face for her was just out of this world. But the second he found his 14 year old son yelling at you in the living room, that smile faded and was replaced by something else entirely.

“(Y/N).. take Emma upstairs. I want to have a word with you,” he looked directly at his son, “Alone.”

“Jooheon, you don't have to..-” you tried, but he only shook his head.

“Please, love. Go upstairs.”

And so with a sigh, you picked Emma up and walked back up into her room to play with her and her dolls.

“What, are you going to beat me?” his son laughed, but even if Jooheon had never and would never lay a finger on his children, that look on his face was suddenly.. scary. And his son felt it in his bones.

“You think you can just talk to your mother like that and not have any consequences?”

“She was being a bitch..”

“She was being a mother,” he yelled, “She was trying to make you understand that what you're doing, you know, not caring about your grades, but rather hanging out with friends, is fucking stupid. What do you think is going to happen, huh? Do you think your mother and I are going to feed you for the rest of your life, just because you weren't even able to finish high school because you were too lazy?”

“I'm not lazy, I'm just..-”

“Yes. You are lazy. Don't come at me with: 'The teachers all suck' or 'The test didn't feature the things I learned for'. I can't even remember the last time you actually sat down and studied.”

You didn't know for how long they talked, but eventually Jooheon came back into your daughter's room and sat down next to you, pulling you towards him and pressing a kiss against your cheek.

“Everything okay?”

“Fine. He's studying right now.”

“You really are the father of the year,” you smiled proudly at him, “Thank you for handling him.”

“For you? Anything.”

im changkyun

“It's only one day. One day and they'd drop me off at night again,” your daughter argued.

“It's one day with your way older friends that will be spent drinking and probably smoking weed or something. You are 16, Ara, I won't let you go with them when I can't trust them.”

“I told you, I won't drink and I won't smoke. Fuck, I promise, mom.”

“And what about that guy, huh?” you turned around and finally looked at her, “That guy that is way older than you and you have a crush on? What if you have sex with him and then get pregnant?”

“Oh my god, that's what it's about, isn't it? You just don't want me to get laid,” she started laughing, her shoulders shaking, “I guess dad finally had enough of you, huh?”

“Ara,” Changkyun entered the kitchen, “You just earned yourself two months of grounding.”

“The fuck?” shit, she hadn’t even heard him come in, “That's not fair, only because mom..-”

“No. Because I say so,” he stood in front of you and nudged his head to the door, signaling his daughter to get the fuck out.

Which she did. She was crying, but it was the kind of tantrum crying that he was used to at this point.

Only when she was gone did he turn around and look at you.

“You didn't have to do that.”

“You're my wife. I couldn't let her talk to you like that.”

“Even though she was right?”

You honestly couldn't remember the last time you two had sex. You blamed it on various reasons. The kids, work, exhaustion. But you felt like the real truth was that he just wasn't interested in you anymore.

And after more than 15 years of marriage, that sometimes happened.

“(Y/N),” he sighed and wanted to reach out to touch you, but you immediately grabbed his wrist and pushed it back down.

“Don't bother.. it's fine.”

But it wasn't.

Nothing was fine anymore.. and he knew that it was mostly his fault for not spending enough time with you.

#monsta x imagine #kpop #kpop imagines #kpop reactions #reader #monsta x reactions #monsta x #requests

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gracieisnotmuchofawriter · 4 years ago

Text

Alone (Therapists & Children)

A couple years ago, I met someone who meant the world to me. His name was Robin. We sat in that room lit with bright orange lights. Steps ran down to the center where a piano sat. A projector sat atop the ceiling, pointing towards a white sheet just behind the piano. Off to the side sat a shelf with a stereo on top. The walls were dark, brown and obviously made of wood. Squares of foam sat a few inches apart across the walls. The entrance sat off to the side, on the other was a closet that stored all of the chairs. I sat at the back with all of the Mezzo’s. Ms. Curtis had trouble gauging what my range was. We were doing these team building exercises, to find our voices and sync up. When she got to the Mezzo’s she was very disappointed when she found out I had never sang a word in that room. She gave me Mezzo because of my speaking voice. So I sang throughout that hour with everyone who was just now realizing I existed.

I didn’t sync well with the Alto’s because my voice was a little too high. Finally, she decided I was a Mezzo Soprano, so she grabbed a random Baritone Bass off the shelf to start the usual exercise. He sat down and it was the first time I was ever interested in a boy. He had big brown eyes, messy red curls on his head, all styled forward. He always looked so cool in those blue, slim fit jeans, slip-on Vans, some short sleeved button up shirt. His face wasn’t hard, it was soft but defined. We connected after the teacher found out we both hadn’t sang a word in that room. What started out as a team building exercise turned into another search for this boy’s proper range. She told me to sit back down and—as she put it—“Just, wait until we’re done.”

When it was all said and done, the bell rang. It was the last hour of the day. Afterward we properly met after school. He walked me to the bank my aunt worked at, our conversation was easy enough. He took me out. It was the first time I wore a dress since I was four. I met his friends, they became my friends. They bought me an Xbox. This boy and I had sex, it was my first time. Then senior year happened. Texting everyday turned into a few texts throughout the evening. Weekends turned into a few texts in either the afternoon or the evening. All of the sudden, in October, he announced he was moving to California to be with his mom and dad. He stopped coming to school. He stopped talking to me. He stopped talking to his friends. Or at least I thought. I remember jumping online, seeing my brother on, he was talking to someone, I could hear him. I thought it was everyone else. It was Robin, the boy I was seeing.

The next day, it felt like everyone was staring at me. My stomach felt hollow, my heart ached, I felt tired, hungover. I floated through the day, I slept in my history class. My friends (his friends) tried talking to me at lunch, but I couldn’t pay attention. I complained about an upset stomach and called Brielle. Her and her girlfriend picked me up. My room felt so big and empty. The white bumpy walls, the dark brown floors, the glass desk in the corner, the TV just above my dresser in front of my bed. My bed’s white blanket, my tan pillowcases. Everything just looked bland and lifeless. I ignored my brother through the rest of the week. He didn’t do anything wrong, though, he just thought I was still talking to Robin, he didn’t know, no one knew he ignored me like that.

Today, my heart swelled to the size of a grapefruit. My lungs felt punctured. My chest felt like a cinderblock laid atop of it. I sat in the bathroom heaving, trying to catch my breath. No one heard me, Asha went home for the weekend, the girls on the other side went home as well. The ringing in my ears became louder. A harsh pressure pressed onto my sinus’, tears came out of my eyes. It felt like pins kept stabbing my back and across my shoulders. I laid down on my side, curling up into a ball.

“Jude’s not the same.” I kept groaning through my heavy sobs.

Jude went home to Lincoln, to see their family, their siblings. Apparently their brother had a kid recently. Jude left on Thursday, they haven’t texted me back. It’s Saturday.

My brain kept bringing up terrible thoughts, the more I ignored them the louder they got.

‘Jude’s done with you.’

‘Jude’s tired of you.’

‘Jude’s bored of you.’

‘Jude knew you were irritating the day you bitched about lying to your instructor.’

“No, they’re just busy.”

“No, Jude didn’t care, they really just wanted me to move past it.”

‘Jude’s just another Robin. For good reason.’

‘Jude should move past you if this is how you react to a couple days of silence.’

‘Maybe your mom knew how much of a wreck you are, maybe that’s why she left you.’

I got off the bathroom floor, I walked into my room, my eyes stung, my back hurt, my stomach hurt. I opened my drawer, finding that pill bottle. “Take one(1) as needed”. I dropped two tablets into my hand, stuffing them into my mouth. I grab my bottle of water, washing the pills down into my stomach. I stumble back, chest still on fire, thoughts still racing. I curl up onto my bed. I want my aunty.

—

“Jude’s memo, September Twenty-Eighth.

‘Eggs, milk, diet soda, Gatorade and a gift for this cute girl I met at school.’ That’s my list for today’s outing. It’s a relatively humid day, my hair feels all flat and my face feels like a cheeseburger. My armpits are kinda yeasty and I don’t care, nothing’s gonna stop me from wearing a tank top today. Anastasia carries my sweater so if those clouds man up and actually do something, I got something to cover up with. Also, I need to pay my phone bill. It’s prepaid, thank god, so no late fees.

I started making these after mom died, our families never been the same. But my brother’s kid being born has done the impossible. I’m driving down to Lincoln to meet up with my sister and we’re gonna go see his beautiful little family. We’re gonna lay our mom to rest, properly this time. When it happened, my siblings and I couldn’t bear to be around each other, we all just saw our mom in each other I guess. Each other. Us. It still really hasn’t hit me that we’re all gonna be in the same room together again. It seems so far away that I’m wondering what Amber might like from Lincoln, what can I find her that she’ll get excited about. Me,

Jaime and Judith are gonna be in a room again but all I can think of is my stupid crush. She’s not stupid, the act of thinking about her over this momentous occasion for the Kent family is strange and dumb.

I don’t know... Amber. She might just be a crush, just a curiosity for the school year, I mean, I’m not even sure if I like graphic design. I like doodling, I like making things, but advertising? Is that me? Maybe Amber is just someone to distract me from those fucking questions, but at the same time, her face keeps popping into my head, I can hear her voice if I just imagine it, I don’t know. She’s much, uh, ‘looser’ these days. She doesn’t seem so tense, so distant. I’ve been sitting next to her in Digital Layout One for the entire year so far, this week was the first time I saw her usually milky face turn colored, splashes of pinks on her cheeks, her lips seem, I don’t know how to describe it, but she seems like there’s just more life to her. Her shoulders slump more, her legs don’t bounce like crazy, her hair sits behind her ears more, she takes off that big ass sweater she’s been wearing. She replaced it with a much more comfortable cardigan. She just seems healthier. Probably because a friend sits next to her. But how ethical is it? I mean, this only started because I have a crush on her. Is this okay? Is it okay to pursue her with the slightest expectation that I might get some coochie at the end of this? The answer is probably no, especially given for the fact that I know next to nothing about her, her past, her wants and her needs. I mean, maybe it’s too early to judge things, perhaps I should slow down this thought of not knowing her well enough, the ethics and just have fun. She likes me well enough, I think. We laugh a lot, she shares her sense of humor with me. I mean, she made a sex joke earlier this week, and it was a fucking cute one at that! Jesus, what do I do? I want McDonald’s, there’s one in Missouri Valley, I’m gonna check it out, give’em a visit, see how those nuggets have been. Does Amber like McDonald’s, I mean we got Chipotle and Taco Bell, she must like McDonald’s. Or maybe she’s just too polite to ask, like I say I want Chipotle and she just goes with it. Maybe these questions are best suited to ask her and not the woman who’s gonna listen to this with me on Monday, Hi Jamie! What do I do? What would my mom say? She’d probably tell me just follow my heart because she really had nothing else to add, she always thought me being wholly queer meant she couldn’t give me adequate advice, but that’s not true, when she did give me advice, it was always fucking good, it was exactly what I needed to hear, even if I didn’t want to hear it. I know examples would be better, but, this recording is getting a little long. My mind is a bit wild today. From meeting Amber, to my brother and his girlfriend finally popping that kid out, getting to see my sister Judith after four fucking years. Maybe the reality of seeing everyone is actually hitting me, maybe I am really nervous and I’m just trying to use Amber as a shield from all of this.”

#writer #writeblr #write #short stories #short story #storytelling #queer fiction #queer stories #queer romance #short fiction #literary fiction #fiction

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inactivedaddymemeyard · 7 years ago

Text

Cherry Wine

Aaron goes to Bee to talk about his mother. Set to the tune of Cherry Wine by Hozier, though I specifically listened to the Overcoats cover for inspiration!

Ao3: here

“Let’s talk about your mother.”

The words sounded like a nuclear alarm siren as they circled through Aaron’s mind. Talk? About his mother? How could he verbally say things he couldn’t even think? How was he supposed to articulate the memories that were so filled of emotions that he knew were irrational?

“I don’t know where to start.” Aaron murmured lowly.

He’d started this session cautious but at least hopeful. He scheduled a private appointment with Dr. Dobson because he knew that the festering wound of his youth and his mother’s death was rotting him from the inside out. It tainted every thought, every word until he could only burn with a black rage that swallowed him whole. He’d turned into such a hateful man, always spitting angry words and swinging irate fists. That was not the man he wanted to be. That was not the man he was supposed to be.

“Describe your mother in your own words. Describe to me how you saw her. Not how Andrew or the world saw her. I don’t want to hear about Tilda Minyard. I want to hear about Aaron’s mother.” Dr. Dobson spoke slowly, whether it was to emphasize her words or so as to not spook him he wasn’t sure.

Still, Aaron struggled for the proper words. He felt overwhelmed and raw, and more than a little uncomfortable with being in a room with a woman, who was staring at him so intently.

“How can I explain to you how cold her eyes were? Or the way she could use her words to freeze me solid? Or how I know deep down the endless rage and ever burning fire I feel inside comes from her? How she could switch from soft and loving to hard and hateful in the blink of an eye? Her hands could caress or bruise, and I spent every moment terrified of which one I’d experience. How I spent every day tip-toeing past her unconscious body, because I could never properly gauge what mood she’d be in when she woke up?” once he’d opened his mouth he couldn’t stop the words from pouring out, as if some great dam had broken inside of him.

Her eyes and words are so icy

Oh but she burns

Like rum on the fire

Hot and fast and angry as she can be

I walk my days on a wire.

Aaron couldn’t meet Dr. Dobson’s eyes, or even her face for that matter. He kept his eyes down cast and waited for her to speak. And yet, after a beat or two the words were pushing past his lips again, he’d lost control and he couldn’t figure out how to gain it back. His thoughts had become a whirl wind of pain and fear, and yet in the midst of that dark were the warm memories of his mother’s blue finger nails, impeccably painted by his hand. There was his mother twinkle of a laugh, her dimples that both he and Andrew had inherited.

“She sang a lot. It was beautiful. She’d sing as she worked around the house, sometimes she’d sing me to sleep while her fingers ran through my hair. One day I’d accidently knocked over her grandmother’s porcelain dolls, and one broke. I’d cleaned it up the best I could, but there was no fixing the shattered face. I threw myself down next to the destroyed, priceless heirloom and cried for over an hour. I knew how much she loved her grandmother and how much those dolls meant to her. I knew she was going to lose it when she saw what I had done. And she did. I had stopped crying by the time she’d stumbled into the living room, but it didn’t matter. Her eyes narrowed onto that shattered doll and nothing else in the entire world mattered other than the fact that I had broken her doll. Her fingers slipped through my hair and squeezed, giving her an anchor to swing me around by. She’d slapped me and pulled my hair. She squeezed my arm so hard my fingers started to go numb as she screamed and screamed at me. When she was done she threw me onto the shattered porcelain doll and told me to clean it up, but the porcelain cut my arms, legs, and hands as I tried to stand. I was six and she’d never drawn blood before. I freaked out. Blood was gushing down every exposed inch of my body, there were shards stuck in my skin and mom was still mad at me. “

“Something about me crying, covered in blood made her stop screaming. It was like a switch had been flipped. She was no longer mad about the doll. She called me her baby boy as she cleaned he cuts and pulled the porcelain out of my skin. She cleaned the blood and wiped away my tears. I tried to tell her I was okay, it only looked bad. I couldn’t get the words to come out because my mom was petting me and humming, trying so hard to calm me down when she could’ve just left me there to clean up my mess. I really was fine. No stitches, just power ranger band aids.” Aaron chuckled, an odd tension releasing as he remembered her wordless melody that had wrapped around him.

It looks ugly, but it's clean,

Oh momma, don't fuss over me.

“Aaron she should not reacted that way no matter how important the object was to her. You were a little boy, and accidents happen. You mentioned that this was the first time she’d drawn blood and that she expressed remorse for doing so, but you should not have been beaten at all. Do you understand that?” Dr. Dobson asked, Aaron imagines her face looks sad and full of pity luckily he still hasn’t looked at her face.

“Yes. Rationally and years later I understand that that is not the way a mother is supposed to treat her child. Don’t pity me Dr. Dobson. Nicky pities me enough as it is, I don’t need anyone else to.” Aaron barked a short, rueful laugh.

“She wasn’t a sadist, she did not like hurting me and she especially didn’t like drawing blood. She tried very hard not to after that incident. I know my mother had issues. According to Andrew and Nicky she was a drugged out, whorish monster that wasn’t worth the air she breathed. What the fuck do they know? She is my mom! She loves me! I don’t need everyone to tell me how awful she was, I was there. When she forgot to eat for days I fed her. When I fell of my bike and hurt my knee she was there with a first aid kit and kisses. I don’t have a dad. It’s always been she and me. Yes, she beat the holy fuck out of me, but I’m not an easy person to love. She took care of me. She loved me.” The words ripped out of him, first as an angry geyser, then as a slow stream as his anger waned and his pain returned.

The way she tells me I'm hers and she is mine

Open hand or closed fist would be fine

The blood is rare and sweet as cherry wine.

He didn’t give Dr. Dobson much of a chance to speak, fearful of the things she’d say, before he continued, “She knew I was sneaking her pills. I didn’t know how she got them, what it cost her when I took some. I just wanted to get away. Away from her fists, from her words, from her. She stormed into my room and snatched my headphones off my head not caring that she ripped out some of my hair with them. I didn’t even know what she was so upset about, I was too high to properly comprehend her sped up words. It wasn’t until I saw the little box she kept them in in her hands that I finally realized I’d been caught. That was when I heard how she got them. I’d always assumed she bought them from a dealer like on tv. She was fucking the dealer for them. I was so stupid, I should’ve known, we had never had the money to support an addiction of any kind much less an illegal one. She screamed something about not being able to get more until she could get him away from his wife. Suddenly through the drugged hazed anger washed over my entire body. My mom was fucking a married man for drugs, and it was my fault she’d be having to see him more and more often. I stood up quickly and got dizzy before I do much else. It was enough though. She threw the empty box at my head, the corner sliced my jaw open. I had to get stitches.” He pointed to the scar that ran vertically down his sharp jawline.

Calls of guilty thrown at me

All while she stains

The sheets of some other

Thrown at me so powerfully

Just like she throws with the arm of her brother.

“Do you think a part of you wanted her to catch you stealing her drugs? That made her anger was better than your isolation?” Dr. Dobson asked.

Aaron huffed a cold laugh as he nodded.

“It’s fucked up, Dr. Dobson. You’re right though. I wanted her to catch me and I wanted her to hit me. Her fire was always easier to withstand than her ice. It wasn’t until her addiction grew more serious that she started forgetting I was there. I missed my mom.” Aaron’s eyes prickled with tears as he remember the ghost she’d become long before she’d actually died.

But I want it

It's a crime

That she's not around most of the time.

“I missed the pancakes and raspberries. I missed her singing. I missed her words even if they had mostly been hateful. Sometimes if we were in public and a child was screaming or crying she’d lean down to tell me that I was better than that kid. It was one of the only times she ever praised me. She used to smile at me. She hasn’t done that since I was small, but I remember. It made the too hard squeezes and shoves worth it.” Aaron’s voice faded as he finished.

“Your dorm mates Andrew and Neil made pancakes and fruit this morning.” Betsy didn’t pose that interjection as a question, Aaron nodded anyways.

“Is that why you called me?” Aaron heard the implied “And why you’re so emotional” and nodded again.

“I-I have never told anyone about my mother. I just listen as they curse her for me, but I don’t hate her. I hate that I qualify for this fucking team. I hate that they’re always fighting. I hate Neil’s shitty remarks about everything. I hate Kevin and Neil’s devotion to Exy. I hate that my brother took away my mom. I hate that I don’t hate him for it. I hate my uncle. I hate that I am responsible for putting Nicky’s life on hold. I hate that I hurt him when I lash out. I hate so much and yet I don’t hate my mom. I can’t. She’s my mom.” Aaron felt his anger filling his body until he thought of his mother, all he felt then was sorrow and loneliness.

The way she shows me I'm hers and she is mine

Open hand or closed fist would be fine

Blood is rare and sweet as cherry wine.

“You talk about her anger and your own as if they are the same. Do you think you’re subconsciously using your anger as a way to connect to your memory of her? Using your peers’ and your own anger to rationalize her abuse?” the way Betsy posed the questions somehow stopped Aaron from panicking like he would’ve normally.

He could only nod as his entire world view shifted. Aaron’s mind ran through every time he had purposefully made someone angry. Every time he had said something shitty to Nicky waiting for the day Nicky hit him. He had a subconscious need to prove that in the end everyone abused someone and his mother’s actions hadn’t been nefarious, but had come from a place of love. Nicky still hadn’t hit him. Nicky never would and Aaron knew it.

“She loved me.” Was all Aaron could get out through his trembling lips and clenched teeth.

“You use her love as a shield against her abuse. You wrapped it around yourself to weather her fury and yet it has left you more wounded than her violence. Aaron, your mother loved you. She also abused you and that was not okay. These facts do not exist separately from each other, but they also do not exist because of each other.” Besty’s voice had turned into a slightly pleading tone as if she was trying to get Aaron to finally make eye contact.

That wasn’t going to happen any time soon, not after she’d said exactly what he’d been needing to hear. Rationally Aaron had always known, but this was not something he could be rational about. His mind was racing as quickly as his breathing as he tried to reorganize his thoughts around that sentiment.

Her fight and fury is fiery

Oh but she loves

Like sleep to the freezing

Sweet and right and merciful

I'm all but washed

In the tide of her breathing.

Aaron Minyard had never been as devoted to anything in his entire life as he was to his mother. She was his world, his everything. He thought of all the times he’d placed a pillow under her head and a blanket over her as she slept in haphazard places around their house. He thought of all the hugs, all the kisses, all the songs. He thought of all the slaps, all the shoves, all the beatings. Tilda Minyard was his mother and he loved her, but he also hated her. He could finally admit that to himself. Aaron hated his mother. Hated her for all the pain and neglect she put him through. All he’d ever done was love her. And he still did. Even with only her memory to haunt him, no longer her fists, he stilled loved her with his whole being.

And it's worth it, it's divine

I have this some of the time.

His mother abused him. He inherited a lot from his mother; her hair, her songs, her anger, her addiction, her smile, her violence. Aaron could not change his mother, she was dead and gone. Aaron did not want to change his mother. His past was his past and though it was dark and painful it gave him a family he loved and a future he couldn’t have achieved on his own. Aaron couldn’t change his abusive mother, but he could change his abusive behavior. And he would. To spite his mother for every time she called him worthless. To honor his mother for every time she told him he was good and tussled his hair. But mostly, to love his family like his mother never could love him.

The way she shows me I'm hers and she is mine

Open hand or closed fist would be fine

The blood is rare and sweet as cherry wine.

#aaron minyard #tilda minyard #aftg #allforthegamenetwork #kyla writes #my writing #please read this i worked so hard #aaronminyarddefencenet

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