#and if he stays he'll do something stupid like touch Cas and not want to let go-- so he goes. bc he can't be needy around Cas.

[thelampisaflashlight]

To Keep In Mind

[Some semi-angsty SwissDew. Short read. Not suitable for younger audiences.] Below the cut.

The thing about Dew that he'll never admit to, is that sometimes he wants to get off without it being a fight.

He doesn't want a hand in his hair pulling from the root and bitter words, he wants... a caress, a massaging touch that makes him feel good without the twinge of pain.

He loves that, don't get him wrong, he loves the way pain can melt into pleasure, but...

But at a certain point it, the reward doesn't make up for the tears and time wasted, the words spoken, the hurt feelings or the ache.

And tonight is a prime example of all of those things and more if he's completely honest with himself.

It's stupid.

Swiss got off.

He got off.

He should be sated, relaxed, riding the high of it all... but he's not.

And he doesn't know how to tell the other he wants, needs, more.

"What's wrong, huh?" a hand rubs his back, soothing circles that should take away the edge, but, instead, Dew just feels...

Bitter.

He pulls away from Swiss' touch, curls into himself, and then, in a single motion, finds himself getting up from the bed entirely.

"Dew?"

The bed creaks, and it's obvious Swiss is confused, maybe even a little worried, but Dew doesn't want to talk right now, doesn't want to admit that he...

That he didn't enjoy it.

That hard and fast couldn't make up for a lack of...

"...Fuck this."

He tugs his sweatpants back on, then his shirt, leaving a befuddled Swiss in his wake as he shuts the door in his face and walks down the hallway to the kitchen.

He could go back to his room, he knows, but he already told Mountain he was staying overnight with Swiss, and coming back now would make it a little too obvious that things didn't go as planned.

Unfortunately, while Dew may be the type to avoid talking about his feelings, it'll take more than a door to keep Swiss from following after him and asking again-

"What's wrong?"

Dew crosses his arms, refusing to turn around to look at him.

It's childish, he knows, but a part of him feels like it should be obvious why he's upset.

But he has enough self awareness to know that if he doesn't say anything, then how the hell is anyone supposed to know what's going on with him?

He sighs, but it doesn't relieve any of the tension he feels, does nothing to help him find the right words to say, but Swiss...

"Dew, baby, did I do something?" his voice is so gentle, "Did I hurt you?"

"I'm not..." Dew mumbles, "I..."

Fuck.

The only thing Dew can think to say, he knows, won't make things any better, if anything, it'll make the situation worse.

You should already know what's wrong! his brain screams, but his lips remained pressed in a thin line, clamped shut to keep himself from saying something he knows he'll regret.

"Dew, I can't... I can't." Swiss breathe in, "I can't help if I don't know what's wrong, and I won't know unless you talk to me, please."

Dew spins on his heels and sharply pokes a finger into Swiss' chest

"YOU-" his voice cracks, "...You don't love me..."

"Dew, that's not-"

"...It doesn't feel like... like you love me. It just feels... bad."

Bad.

Swiss looks at him with wide eyes, "Dew, I..."

Dew can see Swiss actively trying think of what to say, how to fix things, and a small part of him tells himself that should be reassuring, that the fact that Swiss is trying should be a sign that things aren't completely...

"...How long have you felt this way?" he asks, and Dew looks at his feet.

"...Not... not a long time. It's more..." Dew closes his eyes, "...Lately, I just... I need... I want..."

Swiss takes Dew's hands into his own, and Dew presses his thumbs into his palms.

"...I wanted... I wanted things to be... slower tonight and..." he peers up at Swiss through his lashes, "I want it to feel like you care about... about me."

"I do ca-"

"I know." Dew interrupts, "But... I don't... when it's always... THIS or nothing... it doesn't feel good, and it doesn't... I don't. Fuck."

Dew squeezes Swiss' hands.

"Can you treat me..." he grits his teeth, "...gentler?"

"Gentler? Yeah... Yes, yes, of course." Swiss says, "Will you let me make it up to you?"

Dew weighs his options and shakes his head.

"Can we... I just want to be held right now, I'm sore."

"I'm sorry."

"It's..." Dew stops himself from saying it's okay, because, really, if it was they wouldn't be standing in the kitchen in the middle of the night like this.

He'd be in Swiss' bed still, curled up fast asleep not giving a single fuck if that were the case.

"...My room?" Dew asks, "I want... I want my bed, I want my nest."

"Okay."

"And we... we can talk, but we gotta... we gotta be kind of quiet so Mountain doesn't wake up."

"Stealth snuggles, gotcha." Swiss hums, pulling Dew into a hug.

Dew wraps his arms around Swiss, pressing his cheek to his chest, "I'm... I'm sorry I suck at bringing this shit up and keep making things complicated..."

"Hey, hey, listen... You said it now, and, fuck, that's a lot better than it used to be." Swiss rubs his back, "Before, you wouldn't say anything and would let it fester for days... How long did it take you this time? Ten minutes tops? And you're articulating how you feel."

"...You sound like Aeth."

"I'll take that as a complement. You usually listen to him more than me, so that's how I know I'm doing this at least a little right."

"...I am sorry though." Dew says, "I need to get better at... all of this honestly. I'm working on it."

"No worries, I'm right there with you." Swiss laughs, "But, please, if I ever... if I ever do something that makes you feel bad, if I hurt you without realizing, tell me. I know it's hard, but beyond the obvious, it's hard to know what's going on in that pretty little head of yours."

"Yeah..." Dew yawns, "...Eugh..."

"Bed?"

"Mn."

[found--family]

Dean wanted to have a beer with Cas. drink and commiserate together. talk it out or just share in each other's company now that they're out of their own corners.