#and if Obi gets pregnant and has a child with a suspiciously dark skintone and people try to ask Maul about it

[phoenixyfriend]

Anyway, back to Obi-Wan's shit, which I am continuously choosing to characterize as a decades-long game of Maul trying to kill his spouse while Obi-Wan casually evades said attempts with "bends over to pick up a penny in order to dodge a knife" and "spills poisoned tea into the nearest houseplant" and "inexplicably calms the horse that was absolutely about to buck him off and trample him to death" and Maul is just standing there fuming and it's still unclear to basically everyone why Maul hates Obi-Wan so much.

Obi-Wan waves it off with a "oh, I know why, but I assure you there's no need to worry for my safety. It's not for the dowry; I simply managed to insult him most mortally some years ago, and he's never had a chance to extract an apology from my person, nor have I ever thought him worthy of one."

He treats this like he's in The Addams' Family and not a Bluebeard situation.

IDK if anyone asks about when they're going to see children come out of this union, but I imagine whoever poses such a question is getting a screaming Maul attack to the face.

Regency AU but it's specifically Obi-Wan and Maul in a marriage arranged by Obi-Wan's grandfather (Dooku) and Maul's legal guardian (Palpatine) and they spend the entire engagement period about two seconds away from murder. Obi-Wan mostly ignores Maul to pine after Satine, and Maul is like. Sharpening a rusty saw in the background. Anakin and Ahsoka are just running around causing problems on purpose, like dumping worms in Maul's bed and other childish pranks.

In order for the standard "an AFAB person cannot inherit and that is why they must marry well" plot to work out, one of these two needs to be a trans dude so that he's not in line, and I'm deciding that it's probably Obi-Wan. Dooku doesn't care beyond the fact that it made finding Obi-Wan an acceptably wealthy husband such a pain. Palpatine just wanted an excuse to get Maul out of his house and this was an option.

Do they actually get married? Does the Satine thing work out? Does Quinlan swoop in to run off with Dooku's eldest grandchild in the night? No idea. I just like the whole "Maul plots the murder of his fiance while Obi-Wan is just sitting at a window and sighing over his lady love as the entire world tells him he's a spinster."

[phoenixyfriend]

So I had this in the tags of the last addition:

I'm still oscillating between endgame ships but I THINK it's best suited if Obi-Wan has a long-term affair with Quinlan. And if Obi gets pregnant and has a child with a suspiciously dark skintone and people try to ask Maul about it, they probably get punched and possibly thrown out a window. How dare you imply that Maul would sleep with his own spouse whom he hates. Obi-Wan didn't cheat on Maul, because Maul never wanted Obi-Wan in the first place. God they're so fucking stupid. IDK about Satine other than doomed courtly love nonsense.

And @willowcrowned commented:

Quinlan, Obi-Wan, and Satine all become involved in a decades long affair that looks tragic from the outside but is really them just rampantly cheating on their spouses who are either not interested in them or actively trying to murder them. Maybe Satine is someone’s beard

Yes! Satine is someone's beard. Obi-Wan, as mentioned, is under endless murder attempts that are... honestly kind of tapering off, Maul's getting tired and phoning it in more often as Obi-Wan just will not die. I have no idea if Quinlan is married or just, like, this Random Guy that Obi-Wan managed to fall in love with. I know that canon Quinlan, despite being kinda rough, actually does come from money, while Obi-Wan doesn't, so maybe Quinlan's got this whole Perpetual Bachelor thing going on, and has declared Aayla his adopted heir despite every law saying he can't leave any money or land to a girl. He probably works around it eventually but I have no idea who his--

Oh for fuck's sake.

Quinlan has a title. He's an acceptable partner for Satine. Satine and Quinlan can get married and Obi-Wan's their third even though he dated each of them before they met each other. That's an option. They don't really know each other that well, but they're pretty sure they can make it work, and this way they don't have to Cheat in order to get with Obi-Wan.

And then there's Maul, who's just like. There. Not in any romance, just married and really fucking mad about it.

Regency AU but it’s specifically Obi-Wan and Maul in a marriage arranged by Obi-Wan’s grandfather (Dooku) and Maul’s legal guardian (Palpatine) and they spend the entire engagement period about two seconds away from murder. Obi-Wan mostly ignores Maul to pine after Satine, and Maul is like. Sharpening a rusty saw in the background. Anakin and Ahsoka are just running around causing problems on purpose, like dumping worms in Maul’s bed and other childish pranks.

In order for the standard “an AFAB person cannot inherit and that is why they must marry well” plot to work out, one of these two needs to be a trans dude so that he’s not in line, and I’m deciding that it’s probably Obi-Wan. Dooku doesn’t care beyond the fact that it made finding Obi-Wan an acceptably wealthy husband such a pain. Palpatine just wanted an excuse to get Maul out of his house and this was an option.

Do they actually get married? Does the Satine thing work out? Does Quinlan swoop in to run off with Dooku’s eldest grandchild in the night? No idea. I just like the whole “Maul plots the murder of his fiance while Obi-Wan is just sitting at a window and sighing over his lady love as the entire world tells him he’s a spinster.”