#and if I need to explain why this biphobic in the first place I will scream into a wall

[antisociallilbrat]

Yes it is very biphobic of you if the reason you visceraly hate a headcanon of a character being Bi is rooted in the fact that they have a competing 'het' ship against your queer one. 🙂

Happy Pride Month! 💙💜🩷

[saras-almanac]

So I wrote this post the other day about my feelings on the handling of the BuckTommy breakup (which you can read here if you want). And @parrishjeanna reblogged with a link to an article from Tim. I wrote out a reply to it but it became so long I needed to put it in a separate post because it’s over 3k and I need to put it until a readmore.

Okay so I did read that article thank you @kawaiifacesong for linking the not generating revenue clicks because I don’t like reading any articles for 9-1-1 because it’s literally all buddies who can’t ask anything about the show. (Case in point, in this particular interview, the interviewer brings up “The Couch Theory” because Buck and Eddie sit on a couch.)

So this interview was trash for many reasons but I’ll narrow it down to three for the sake of this response: Biphobic nature of the breakup and aftermath, what’s being said in interviews isn’t what we’re seeing, and Tim writes as he goes so there’s no actual plan going forward.

First: The Biphobic Nature of this breakup is still moving full swing.

The idea that Buck is “still figuring himself out” and needs to explore is insulting in so many ways—especially to myself as a bisexual lady in my 30s. Firstly, being in my 30s, the idea that you need to figure yourself out still is absolute bullshit. Yes, you can still find new things out about yourself and make some changes, but usually by this point in your life, you have a pretty decent handle on who you are as a person. Which Buck does have… and we’ve seen that? So it has to be a reference to his newly discovered and realized sexuality.

Which, AGAIN is so biphobic and plays into incredibly harmful bisexual stereotypes that bisexuals need to “explore” to figure out what or who they want. This means either they need to fuck around and make sure they’re really bisexual. OR they need to get enough experience with their same gender to then be able to have a same-gendered relationship. Both of which are insulting and harmful. This idea that Tommy couldn’t possibly be a lasting relationship because Buck just came out as bisexual is wrong. It’s fine if they didn’t want Tommy to be a long-term love interest or even an end-game love interest, but why couldn’t they have done it differently, to hopefully not play into these harmful stereotypes that are still incredibly prevalent today.

Now do I think they fully intended it to play out as biphobic as it is? Not really, but I do think that the heart of what they wanted—Buck exploring his sexuality—is inherently biphobic because of the way they have chosen to go about it. There’s a world of difference between having Tommy break up with Buck so Buck can go exploring and having OS and TM saying similar things in interviews and Tommy and Buck breaking up and Buck getting back out there and dating around. Which if they had given it just a smidge of thought, I have to hope they would have come to that same conclusion and maybe gone about it in a different way.

Second: What Tim’s saying in interviews about what’s happening on the show and in these storylines doesn’t match up to what we’re seeing

I’m going to paste the few paragraphs related to BuckTommy break up here, just to read. I have bolded what I thought was important and what I’m going to talk about after it.

“Look, I think the breakup was premature, but that was by design. For me, the story that I was trying to tell was here’s a guy, Tommy. He’s not a main character on the show. We haven’t done ‘Tommy Begins’ or something. But you do see him in the ‘Begins’ episodes, in flashbacks, and by the time he leaves in ‘Bobby Begins Again,’ he’s turned over a new leaf. He’s feeling more comfortable. He’s hanging out with the new people at the 118 once Bobby takes over, and they throw him a party and bake him a cake when he goes off to his new post. There was even a reference in Broken when Chimney calls him to do the water drop,” Minear explained. “But Tommy’s a guy who’s in a different place in his life than Buck is. And I think what Tommy realizes is exactly what he said, which is, ‘I’m not your last. I’m your first.'” Minear referenced the coffee shop scene in Season 7, where Buck asked Tommy to give them another shot and come to his sister’s wedding, as a point when Tommy thought, “Alright, this guy’s kind of great. He’s super hot and he’s sweet. And this will be nice. And I’m going to be vulnerable for this.” As the relationship grew stronger and the stakes grew higher, however, Tommy reevaluated things. “I think Tommy, in the end, understood that this was not forever — that Buck is exploring himself. He’s still figuring himself out. And even if Tommy doesn’t know it, he might sense the fact that Buck likes to jump in with both feet a little bit precipitously,” Minear mused. “So was the breakup premature? Yes. Because Tommy was put in a position where he had to be honest. And once he speaks the truth, which is, ‘I think I know where this ends, and I can’t move in with you,’ he’s kind of breaking the spell — the spell of that honeymoon. Tommy even says, ‘I didn’t see this coming either.’ I don’t think either one of them did.”

Okay, lots of things happening in this quote but ultimately there’s a massive disconnect in what TM thinks is happening or what he’s saying is happening and what is actually on screen—and that’s a huge problem. You can’t rely on interviews to explain things, it needs to be in the actual text of the episode.

I think the real crux of the issue is this: “Tommy’s a guy who’s in a different place in his life than Buck is… Tommy, in the end, understood that this was not forever… he’s kind of breaking the spell—the spell of that honeymoon.”

Let’s break this down a bit. Tommy being in a different place in his life than Buck… How? Buck has, since the pilot episode, been looking and searching for a stable romantic relationship—he’s always craved that and wanted that. Even in the breakup, he was thinking about their future and marriage and moving in with Tommy. Is that not what the next logical step of a relationship might be? So doesn’t that—regardless of whether it was premature or not—prove that Buck and Tommy are in the same place of clearly wanting a long-term, committed relationship? So if this wasn’t the case, why didn’t you show that? Show them having that disconnect or make it clear that Tommy’s dropping hints about their future and Buck is not in the same place so he’s not picking up on them at all. Because what we saw was Buck wanting and seeing a future with Tommy and Tommy basically telling him that the doesn’t actually.  

“Tommy, in the end, understood that this was not forever — that Buck is exploring himself. He’s still figuring himself out.” This is my villain origin point—for real. Because this is also not what we saw! What we saw, was a Buck who was so secure in himself and his relationship, arguably for the first time on this show, that he didn’t panic or second-guess anything really. He was all-in with Tommy and enjoying himself and being with Tommy. He even said that being with Tommy makes him more comfortable with himself—aka what a lot of couples say when they’re in committed and reciprocal, healthy romantic relationships—that being with you makes me happy being me. (Paraphrasing here, but hopefully my point gets across.)

Because what is there for Buck to figure out yet? He knows he’s bisexual and incredibly into Tommy. He’s happy and content with his work life and seems pretty happy with where he’s living. His relationships with his friends and family are all as good as they usually are. So what is there for Buck to still figure out? I’m left to assume that this is again only about his sexuality, which just keeps adding more to the pile of shit that makes me feel crappy and uncomfortable with this storyline.

Also, why couldn’t Buck and Tommy last? Why is that assumed to be the correct conclusion to come to? How many high school sweethearts get together and last? How many people who don’t date until they’re in their 20s-30s find someone right away and stay together? How many people come out as queer later in life because they have found someone they click with and it just makes them see more of themselves and they stay together? Sure, this is not the case with every single person in these situations, but it’s not unheard of. To me, this just feels like the show and Tim are acting like Buck is a young, 20-year-old child and now a grown man in his 30s…

What we actually saw on our screens, was two people who genuinely seemed to enjoy each other and spending time together. That had an easy and sweet relationship, where they both felt settled and comfortable together. It’s why the weird change in 806 felt so abrupt—what do you mean these two people who had amazing communication up until that point, have not talked about their past relationships at all? I think that was done as a shortcut for the writers and TM to say, “Look, see, they’re not compatible, they can’t last because they’re not talking about anything serious.” But again, my point is: then you should have showed us that beforehand, given some foreshadow or lead up to it. Instead, they chose to blindside the audience for the “shock value” and it didn’t work. Shock value for shock value’s sake never works for the audience. They don’t want the rug to be pulled out from under them, they want to see you building something and only after it’s built can they see what you were doing the whole time.

Now, I understand that they just wanted to break them up for “story” reasons (which I have no faith is going to be anything good). While I personally hate that because I feel like there would have been much more storylines and things for Buck to be involved in and it would have opened up a lot more potential stories for the future, I get that it’s not my decision to make. But why couldn’t they actually make this make sense in the actual context of what we’d seen already? If you wanted to break them up because they’re in different places, then having Buck ask Tommy to move in could have caused more of an argument of Tommy saying that Buck doesn’t really see him and doesn’t seem to understand that Tommy has a whole life outside of Buck. O Tommy could have been the one to propose moving in together and Buck freaks out because it’s too soon—which leaves Tommy to come to the conclusion that they want different things right now and he can’t just sit around and hoping Buck will catch up because it would be too hard for him to let go of Buck later. Or have Tommy literally going to a different place—whether temporarily or permanently—and so they have to break up because Buck has a whole life here and Tommy wasn’t about to ask Buck to uproot himself for Tommy…

There’s so many other ways this breakup could have gone instead of the route they went—and they would have made much more sense contextually. Instead, they went this cheapest way possible and have Buck now acting like a child about calling Tommy, when in reality and with the growth we’d seen of Buck in the past 8 years, he would have reached out to Tommy already. At least to talk things through. The baking thing was cute for an episode and it would have been okay for longer, but I’m just sitting here wondering exactly why Buck can’t call Tommy… If it’s because he’s hurt, then they needed to say that because right now, it just seems like Buck is literally being forced to not call him but the audience isn’t really sure why.

All this brings me to my biggest point. Third: I don’t trust anything that’s being said in interviews or by TM because he doesn’t write in advance and that’s a major problem

Before we get into it let me make a disclaimer: I’m gonna need every single network and studio to start requiring all the white men who write for them to actually be getting them scripts. We cannot rely on their “genius” to make sense because these scripts—especially season 8—should have had a few more passes before what we’ve seen. The only episode so far that actually felt like a complete episode was the Halloween episode.

And if this season has taught us anything, it’s that Tim not having any real plans or anything written is actually a massive problem for this show.

Now me not believing TM is not me saying that I 100% believe Tommy is coming back (though I feel like the chances are higher now with the reaction from the GA for ABC to suggest some things or at least give a closure beat to this character and relationship) This is more, nothing that TM has said in interviews up until this point for season 8 has really actually happened on screen except for Eddie shaving his moustache… Granted, I don’t read every single article with him so I might have missed something, but I just feel like he’s got no interest in setting anything up and actually paying it off in any real way.

So many people were so excited for season 8 because it was the first season in years where we actually knew so many storylines going into 8—that weren’t told to us in interviews; they were introduced in the actual show! We had Bobby/Athena’s house hunting, HenRen fighting Ortiz and trying to get Mara back, Madney fostering Mara in HenRen’s place, Eddie dealing with Christopher leaving, and Gerrard back at the 118. Any one of those storylines would have been so amazing to really see explored and fleshed out. Instead, everything was basically settled and done by episode 4—apart from Christopher and Eddie resolution and Bobby/Athena actually moving in / building. To me, as a writer myself, that decision to rush though those other stories was a massive massive misstep. There was so much there to explore and delve into that could have been so satisfying to watch and really reap the emotional payoff.

Instead, we had like 2-4 minutes max of processing HenRen not being able to see Mara again before they were all reunited. Not that I wanted to see HenRen struggling again in this way, but it would have been different and they could have put some humor into it with Karen suggesting they tail Ortiz and try to find things out about her—or Hen comes back from a shift to find Karen has stayed up for 38 hours tracking every single facebook post from Ortiz and her family to try and find something they could use and she’s the one who uncovered the link between Ortiz and Gerrard, which then promts Hen to ask Buck as Gerrard’s specialist boy to ask for a favor or try to convince Gerrard to help them deal with Ortiz.

And Maddie and Chimney having Mara would have been so interesting to see them actually having conversations about what they want for their family going forward—do they want more kids, do they not? Are they wanting to try naturally or adoption? And then Mara being with Chimeny could have also added another layer of tension between Hen and Chimney with Hen being jealous that Chimney is raising her daughter.

I mean Eddie… the fact that it took 8 episodes (basically) for him to actually acknowledge that he needs to do something to be a part of his son’s life is a major problem as well. It makes me not want to root for Eddie to reconcile with Chris because he has shown hardly any initiative in actually confronting what he did and the actual reason why Chris is so upset and feels betrayed. There was a little in 6, but that’s sort of it.

Bobby and Athena, they just don’t seem to know what to do with them anymore. And that’s a shame because there are so many things they could do—namely my favorite thing which is give them more comedy to do! They are so funny together (cruise ship is one of my favorite things). Or they could have had the first few episodes be them sort of couch surfing through the firefam and be a fun little runner of “we really need to figure out what we’re doing.” Even their storyline of their house burning just doesn’t seem to be a thing anymore.

Buck, it would have been so amazing to see him dealing with the work stuff more and having Tommy to lean on, to see Buck who’s been pretty secure in his work for the past few seasons now dealing with Bobby being gone and Gerrard there, just really gets him thinking about the future. Or even the comment about budget cuts, why was that never brought up again? That would have been so interesting to lead up to the midseason finale, which of the 118 is going to get laid off? And Buck being in such a secure spot maybe he volunteers because he wants to explore something outside of firefighting and/or because everyone else has kids and a family and he knows it’s easier for him to not have a job? And then he’s saying his goodbyes and the midseason act out is Bobby announcing that Eddie is going to be leaving them instead.

Instead of really exploring any of that, it’s all been rushed through to move on to the next thing, but the honest truth is: I don’t trust what TM’s great next thing is because he absolutely squandered all the potential he had going into season 8. So all these “amazing things” he has going forward I just don’t trust they’re going to happen or even be slightly interesting. Instead, I assume they’re going to be something that’s like an episode opening and then never mentioned again if they do happen.

I just don’t understand what is going on in his head other than ego right now and I’m just… I deal with too many egos in my life to deal with another one like this.

[angelshipper]

Purely cuz that other weirdo essentially derailed the entire conversation (cuz. Their blog is honestly pretty yikes) the point I wanna make about Steph/Tim connects to other shit you yourself have posted about. Namely - it's very hard to divorce that relationship from what a massive piece of shit Chuck Dixon is. There are things to like for sure? But because a LOT of Tim and Steph's relationship was written by a Conservative assclown who kinda used Steph as a punching bag for a LOT of Tim's run as Robin, a lotta fans (myself included) have disliked them as a ship because other writers in other books didn't treat Steph so shittily. It comes across in Dixon's writing as Comphet because almost everything Dixon could think to do with her was really sexist and her relevance in the comics was almost always tied directly to Tim - and that rubs a lot of people the wrong way, even if it's not the case in EVERY book that has Tim and Steph be a couple. Saying dismissing their relationship is Bi Erasure is in and of itself Biphobic, because it creates the implication that Tim needs to have equal significance placed on ALL his relationships to JUSTIFY his Bisexuality to the audience. And that's kinda fucked. The fact that most of the current stuff is heavily emphasising and focusing on the relationship he's currently in isn't Bi-Erasure, but demanding everyone shut up about his literal actual current boyfriend and talk about his ex-girlfriend kinda is. Is it Biphobia that basically no one talks about his relationship with Tam Fox from Red Robin (2009), or any of the many one-off or short term romances he had with girls that happened during his solo run as Robin or the Batman/Detective Comics ongoings while he was the main/only Robin? If not, then how is it SPECIFICALLY Bi Erasure to dislike the Romance between Steph and Tim for reasons that are actually way more about how poorly STEPH was treated while she was dating him? If you like the Tim/Steph ship more than any other option for either character, good for you, but please don't invoke serious actual bigotry to justify why your ship is actually the morally correct one.

I DONT LIKE TIM/STEPH. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I SAID THAT????? Listen. My very first DC ship was Tim/Kon. I personally always liked Steph with Cassie in the fics I've seen of them. I don't even LIKE Tim as a character 😭 but you keep acting like I do? And this is not me "defending" my ship. It's not. I like their friendship fine.

I see now how my original post could come across like that and I do want to say that I very much did not explain myself well. My point was very specifically in cases where people bring up his past relationships and say shit like it wasn't real to Tim or when people make jokes saying they act like "siblings" (which is just....gross to me? In like an opposite way that Jaytim is also gross to me. Like they made out with eachother in comics and that just feels very weird but idk).

Regardless of that, my point was that people tend to dismiss their relationship as a whole one the BASIS that it was with a woman. Not because it was with Steph specifically. This isn't me making stuff up, this was stuff that was EXPLICITLY stated to me in all kinds of content I consumed. That because Steph (and others) weren't guys, Tim didn't "actually" have an attraction to them- THAT is what I thought came across as biphobia.

Like I'll be reading a fic or watching a skit and there will be a point where someone makes some kind of joke about women being hot or whatever and Tim will ACTIVELY dismiss them as part of the joke on the basis "but men tho" or will be "grossed" out when someone even MENTIONS him dating a girl (even if he isn't even dating Bernard in the context of the skit or fic or whatever) Like that doesn't come across as biphobic?

I don't care if you don't ship T/S. I DON'T EITHER AND I FEEL LIKE IVE SAID THAT SEVERAL TIMES?? But saying that their relationship WASN'T important to Tim or even less important just because it was with a girl and not a boy, and ignoring the fact he can even be attracted to girls, is that not biphobic? Like actually. If you think he'd solely gay and that all his relationships with women were comphet, fine. But in the actual text of the comics, that isn't the case. If DC comes out and says yeah, Tim is actually gay he just thought he had to be attracted to women, then I'd concede and say you were right.

Also SEVERAL writers have written about their relationship, not just Dixon? The first title I was even introduced to them as a relationship it wasn't through Dixon (because i honestly wasn't reading in any particularly order). And even though all your points about him were correct, it doesn't change the fact that SEVERAL writers have chosen to depict T/S's relationship as being meaningful to both of them, because it was??

Also like I said before, I made the exact same point you brought up about talking about his last relationships. OBVIOUSLY they're going to focus on his current one, even in fanworks they focus on the relationship and tend to ignore the rest. But WHEN those past relationships come up, THAT is when I see people acting like their relationship wasn't meaningful or didn't hold love between them.

Listen, if someone chooses to make Tim gay in their fanworks or whatever, and makes the exact same joke I brought up before, I don't care. I can just ignore it, block them, whatever but they are choosing to erase his attraction to women in their work, they're not saying he was never attracted to them. If someone goes out of their way to say how Tim is bi and then makes it a point to say how he isn't attracted to girls or claims their skit/fanfiction/art/whatever is meant to be based in canon and then does the same thing, then yeah it comes across as biphobic.

Like my issue isn't the fact people are focusing on his relationship with Bernard, my issue is that if Stephanie is brought up she's dismissed as not being in a "real" relationship with Tim.

I'm not saying Tim HAS to hold every relationship in equal importance. If he finds he has a stronger attraction to men than women? All the power to him. I'm not even saying that Tim had to have loved Stephanie more than he currently loves Bernard, maybe Bernard is more important to him that Stephanie ever was. But saying he was never attracted to women? That's what seems iffy to me.

[sokkagatekeeper]

mx sokkagatekeeper i need your help

my best friends doesn’t really see zuko gay and i don’t know how to analyse this to her (we often analyse text and share opinions) because i’m not good with words. i know his homosexuality is in the text and i’ve always seen him as gay so to me it’s actually canon

i don’t want to impose my opinion but i don’t seem to explain it like the topic deserves.

pls help me

i apologize for the delay on answering this ask!! i wanted to gather the most analysis i could in one post (and also had to eventually come to terms with the fact that i can’t gather literally all the evidence in one post; there is simply too much) since ppl are always like “where’s the essay?” well here. here is the essay, and you (your friend?) gave me the perfect excuse to do so without seeming more obnoxious than usual. so! i wrote a little thing that didn’t go as in-depth as it could go but is clear enough here, and i also dance a little around the subject of zuko and his problem with gender expectations here. i will probably copy-paste the entire paragraph that’s relevant to this analysis later so you don’t have to read it but. it’s a good post imo. anyway!!

before i begin i just want to say that (despite my url) this is not to #gatekeep or whatever. but tumblr does love to talk about how no atla character's sexuality is confirmed, and how claiming that zuko is bisexual or any other variation is not homophobic, and how zuko was written as being attracted to women on-screen. and they are right, in a way; reading zuko as bisexual is not homophobic... but merely, in my opinion, incorrect. and, on the flip side, making an analysis on why zuko is gay is also not inherently biphobic. and one can assume that i'm unlikely to make a biphobic analysis since i am. a bisexual person.

another note: i don’t think anybody who reads zuko as gay is delusional enough to genuinely believe the creators intended to code him as queer, when the author’s interpretation contradicts and/or takes away from the quality of the text, authorial intent is not that relevant to the best possible reading of it. in my opinion of course!

now. to make a queer reading of a character (and i mean reading of the text, which is not the same as a headcanon) one may take into account: what the themes the character portrays are; what their character arc is about; allegories; character development; struggles; stakes and expectations from the society they live in; as well as other pieces of dialogue or details and allegories that are reminiscent of the queer experience. in this post, i will try to gather a bunch of all these aspects of the narratives, themes, etc etc in an attempt to open the anon's friend's eyes to the revelation that is the gay zuko agenda.

also, like with all interpretations, this is not exactly me trying to “prove” that zuko is gay. he isn't gay; he's fictional. rather, i am explaining why i find this interpretation of his sexuality to be far more compelling than any other.

zuko’s coming out arc.

zuko’s arc has several layers. the two main that i can pinpoint are him unlearning the fire nation's imperialist values, and learning that the abuse he suffered was just that, abuse. that it was wrong. but as is often seen in the themes atla presents, what often presents to be two different things have an aspect of unity, that they depend on each other in order to exist. these two aspects of zuko’s redemption accompany each other throughout. the reason why zuko (and azula) was abused in the first place is because of the fire nation’s imperialism; the degree of the abuse zuko suffered and the things he was punished for are a direct effect of the fire nation’s patriarchal society and its constrictions regarding gender. ozai wasn't just any evil father, he was the embodiment of the entire fire nation and its fucked-up values.

zuko is kicked out of his home, mostly for being compassionate, and for letting his compassion take charge of him rather than respecting the piece of etiquette that he was not allowed to speak in the war room. the fire nation is known to be against what it deems as weak, which happens to be anything that has to do with empathy and compassion, sensitivity and gentleness—anything that fits their idea of femininity. zuko is known to present these qualities the fire nation perceives as feminine and weak (especially in comparison to azula), and his father has little trouble sending him away in order to favor his stronger, smarter, ruthless, masculine, “flawless” daughter. zuko is taken by his uncle whom his father is ashamed of, spending years chasing the unattainable idea of finding the avatar and regaining his honor, while he develops a tendency to overperform aggressiveness (zuko’s trauma in itself makes him defensive, not inherently aggressive), and trying to suppress every possible weakness he may have to the rest of the world and himself.

so, in that sense, zuko's redemption arc is not just about him going from bad to good, but it is also about overcoming, unlearning, and un-internalizing homophobia (& misogyny) and all the expectations and constraints that surround masculinity. it's about achieving liberation from his homophobic abusive homelife and finding acceptance in a group of people who accept him for what he is (with his compassion and kindness and emotional expressiveness... and also for being gay). it's about achieving also self-realization and forgiveness. all of this reads as a coming-out narrative thru unintentional allegories all around. zuko's character arc is not explicitly about being gay, but its themes make it so that it can be read as a queer story, and in my opinion, it achieves a greater emotional impact if it is read as such.

zuko’s gender problems. (may or may not copied this from one of the posts i’ve made before lol i just wanted to have it all in one place <3 ok keep reading now)

despite all the suffering and abuse he endured, zuko grew up shaped by the privileges surrounding royalty and the upper class in general. his arc is about humbling him and understand the value in the lives of the poor and marginalized as much as it is about his very own self-realization and asserting he was wronged and treated unfairly by his family over and over. zuko comes from a place of privilege, but he is still highly empathetic and has a certain ease at unlearning his privilege (more ease than azula at least) once he is exposed to the world in its entirety rather than the blatant lies that were presented to him by the fire nation that he had no way of disproving. zuko is compassionate and empathetic despite being stubborn as hell because while growing up in privilege he still experienced certain marginalizations because of his blatant learning disabilities, and his gender presentation.

the fire nation’s society is ruled by militarism, imperialism, and patriarchy. it values what are considered masculine traits and qualities (leadership, cold-thinking, self-control yet ruthlessness, strategy, emotional suppressing) above humanity, identity, personhood and femininity. the fact that the actual societies in real life that inspired the fire nation may not hold the same values is very likely, since this is a very western perspective, but this is what appears in the text, and the way it’s meant to be read.

so shown as a child and heavily hinted at throughout the show, zuko is deeply, loudly feminine in a way that other people can blatantly see and judge him based on it. his self-realization involves breaking free of this pressure he has on his back to be “more of a man” than his personality allows him to. he overperforms a lot of his aggressiveness – the part of it that isn’t born out of his rage, that is – and he lets his anger flow. he is certainly masculine in a fair amount of aspects, but many of his core traits are (in western society, yes, and within the show) associated with femininity, such as emotional expressiveness, empathy and compassion, gentleness, and kindness. femininity is perceived as weak, and zuko is therefore perceived as weak for displaying these traits from an early age and especially in contrast to azula, who by contrast displays many of the “masculine” traits mentioned above (albeit the feminine qualities she chooses to display is what makes her perfectionism — she can be feminine, but in a masculine way, it’s messy and it leads her to a mental breakdown we all know this part).

zuko doesn’t fit at all into the ideal of cold, detached version of masculinity that the fire nation preaches, which is what deteriorated his self-esteem and drove him to overperform his traditionally masculine traits out of desperation such as his commanding stance or getting really good at fighting people, or even as small as being stiff as hell when he wants to show vulnerability or show affection even towards his uncle. he did all of this in order to try and fit better into the mold of the man people told him he should be. but no matter how hard zuko worked to repress that core, fundamental part of himself over the course of the series, he was never able to stick to a cold, ruthless, detached mindset, or stick to the constrictions of masculinity like he is expected to as a prince and as a man. he’s always intentionally and unintentionally working towards being better, and struggles to suppress the softer parts of him constantly.

zuko’s relationship with mai (also known as ‘mai is a lesbian’).

it is no secret that zuko and mai’s relationship is a dysfunctional one. on the surface this is because of zuko’s inability (or lack of will, who’s to say) to understand mai as a person with feelings and thoughts and a life rather than a girlfriend. and while this is true, it is also true that mai was not able to be the person zuko needed at that particular moment in his life, as a girlfriend, friend or otherwise. they both feel trapped, restricted, and misunderstood by the respective expectations placed on them, by their families and the structure of the systematic power they later choose to go against, and the threats that will follow through if they don’t fulfill these expectations. they also project the worst parts of their respective struggles with the power structure of society on each other. their relationship throughout book three rings very true and up until they get back together for some reason.

regarding zuko’s character specifically, his inability to see mai as anything other than “girlfriend” rather than a person comes from the prospect of the term “girlfriend” is part of the oppression he faces back at the fire nation, rather than mai being a constricting and oppressive person herself (which she is not). their relationship to me reads very much like a lavender marriage, as this post very well puts it.

other miscellaneous gay shit <3

there are a lot of little gay moments that zuko has throughout the show. for example, he never cares when pretty girls are attracted to him or flirting with him, including jin and ty lee. his reaction to learning that sokka has a girlfriend is also. interesting. and of course, his reaction to being set up with mai when they were children is to scream “girls are crazy!”. hmm

the blue spirit is a gay thing like, thematically.

so uh. qed. zuko gay!

my (nour) personal favorite Zuko Moment is in the firebending masters when he stands and watches the rainbow fire surround him and he says, very softly and with feeling, ‘i understand’ which is where our beloved i understand tag comes from. as this post very well explains its significance, “(...) zuko has lived his whole life associating firebending with rage and power and violence, so when he lets go of rage and power and violence, he loses his ability to firebend. and this cannot be separated from the fire nation's (and therefore zuko's) views on masculinity; in the fire nation, fire bending is masculinity is aggression, and part of why zuko cared so much about being a powerful firebender is to prove that he was enough of a man. so, learning the sun warriors' form of firebending, which is based in warmth and love, also allows zuko (who is NOT STRAIGHT) to redefine his masculinity. (plus...... yknow.... the fire is rainbow..........)”

[anotherbeastarsblog]

I mentioned thinking about the 701 guys relation to gender then got derailed and just talked about Miguno so my thoughts for the record:

Jack never had any kind of worries or any real feelings about it so he's mostly always just ID'ed as a guy. For the sake of thoroughness he once tried IDing as nonbinary or even a girl on some forums at some point and it only confirmed "nope, no, that was weird, definitely a dude."

Collot mostly IDs as cis too but as he gets older he get a bit of a chip in his shoulder that that has to mean anything and people care and ask in the first place. He's mostly just chill and kinda feels above it all but a few bad experiences with biphobes and people asking why he doesn't just admit he's nonbinary makes him actually a little uncomfortable in a lot of lgbt+ spaces. Sometimes he takes they/them pins at events cause he feels like it's easier than trying to explain what his whole deal is for the millionth time.

Durham is cis. He has never had a thought in his head about gender. As he gets older he gets in the same progressive punk spaces as Miguno because duh that's his husband and learns about all sorts of gender shit and is instantly supportive but it never once occurs to him to try and turn any of that new insight inward because he just never needed to.

Legoshi is in every possible way that matters NB, maybe even transfem, but he has also never had a thought in his head about gender so never IDs in his life as anything other than a cis male. In some ways enlightened, like so genuinely unconcerned with the societal perception of being a male, only focused on what being a male means to him that he has actually completely blown by the step that makes him wonder what being a male means in general. Depending on how far you wanna push it in any given AU like he could go to a gender therapist and try estrogen and feel gender euphoria for the first time in his life and still somehow masterfully dodge through the most basic of informational packets and just be like "yeah having boobs and estrogen and wanting to be a girl and a mother and nothing to do with male anatomy is just what being a male is like" and keep on keeping on.

Voss is such a weird non-character that I feel like a lot of people headcanon him as a token of whatever they don't have headcanon rep for yet and at the risk of adding to that I like the idea of Voss as a trans woman. Doesn't realize til a little later in life, doesn't do basically anything to change their presentation, fine with any pronouns, but fully medically transitions as soon as that egg is cracked with zero regrets. Kind of a foil to Legoshi, didn't realize they were having gender problems because they were attaching gender too much to stereotypes and presentation and then fully embraced it while realizing nothing else had to change.

[posi-pan]

Ugh it makes me so upset how lowkey panphobic people are. Like they’ll seem really supportive sometimes but then claim we need to think about why we chose pansexuality over bisexuality or that some definitions are harmful or we need to consider the (supposed biphobic/transphobic) origins. Or if someone doesn’t wanna watch a show or read a book that has panphobia in it that’s somehow not enough of a good reason. It’s like how can you claim to be supportive and not see yourself saying all of this stuff? You’ve said it before but man pan people are REALLY held to a different standard. We’re treated like we just have to accept panphobia and we constantly have to over-explain ourselves whether it’s why we identify one way or why we /aren’t/ bad people, the fact that pan people very rarely use hurtful definitions (ofc when LGB ppl use a hurtful definition they’re not treated like the majority…), or why our history is Not bad. Can you tell someone I thought was a good person just pulled a lot of bs lol. I saw them say things like “we always talk about panphobia but never biphobia” before so maybe I should’ve known. Sad stuff.

“we always talk about panphobia but never biphobia” are they for real? WHERE? i cannot stand when people say shit like that. because it's flat out fucking untrue. and as someone who is constantly witnessing and calling out and hurt by the lack of care the community has for pan people and panphobia, panphobes insisting that panphobia is taken more seriously than biphobia or there's more/better pan rep than bi rep or both sides of the "bi vs pan" shit is equal is starting to feel like gaslighting.

just last night someone was put on my timeline on twitter talking about wanting to undo bi erasure in a video game and one of the characters they were talking about was confirmed by the creators and voice actor as originally intended to be pansexual but was erased due to network pressure. the sources they gave said this. but they're still saying the character's bisexuality was erased. like....even pan erasure gets erased. even when people write a pan character and they fuck up what pan means, everyone rushes to say it's bi/transphobic but never once mentions how it's panphobic.

it's just. no one fucking gives a shit about panphobia. and i am so beyond tired of people outright fucking lying and saying it's more of a priority than biphobia. like, not only is it outright false to say people care more about panphobia than biphobia, but it's outright false to say people even care about panphobia in the first place.

(also, you were spot on with everything. and i'm sorry someone you liked/thought was a good person turned out to be a panphobe.)

[rantingcrocodile]

"As soon as you have “feminist” women who believe that they are naturally superior to other women..." That's really the crux of posts like these. That's why they would call women sexually degrading names or describing them in sexually degrading terms while claiming to be feminists. Victim-blaming women constantly, or saying they're 'dick-worshippers', 'dickmatized', etc. I even saw a fauxminist compare OSA women's attraction to men to zoophilia. Unhinged, misogynistic creeps.

If we're going to be brutally honest - as we are in this corner of actual feminism - then we need to acknowledge that the above kind of thinking is exactly why feminism became so vulnerable to male attacks in the first place.

Feminists accusing fellow feminists of not being "feminist enough" and lording a superiority complex over other feminists because they were "lesbians" (whether actual lesbians or bisexual women who only partnered with other women, or the few straight women who decided to never partner with another man again), being misogynistic towards them while pretending to care about all women and pretending to want liberation for all women caused a lot of disillusion.

Biphobic "radical feminists" attacking bisexual women and denying our lived experiences made us vulnerable to the TIMs who sidled up to us saying, "...Those feminists hate us too, and deny that we're oppressed too, and refuse to accept us as real feminists too, let us give you solidarity, we know that bisexuality is real, we can be feminists together," and that surprise that there were people that wow, actually did care about bisexuals and claimed to stand with us (spoiler alert, they didn’t! They never gave a shit about us at all, only wanted to abuse and manipulate and gaslight us!) then had bisexual feminists tripping over backwards to keep those "allies" and validate them after the pain of being constantly invalidated and attacked by "feminists" they had worked alongside for years - to then fall into the very same trap of internalised misogyny and internalised biphobia that meant that the TIMs made everything about themselves. Because they lied and manipulated, and bisexual women wrung their hands, lay down and allowed TIMs to overrule what bisexuality was, thanks to there being no meaningful support for bisexual women actually existing out there in the world that helps to free us from the joint shackles of misogyny and biphobia. Just as so many bisexual women in radical feminist spaces are victims of that same trap, silencing themselves because they can't be "real feminists" unless the "superior feminists" validate them, knowing they're not allowed to have any bisexual solidarity, and to be a "real feminist" is to hate bisexuality and other bisexual women.

If there was actual solidarity and understanding between us, then bisexual women would have been stronger and wouldn't have capitulated in the opposite way after being so disillusioned with being hated by radical feminists.

They talked about being "queer" because there were early conversations without the understanding that heterosexism was the tie that really binds the LGB together, where they tried to explain that it was our full bisexuality that heterosexuals oppressed, it was not being heterosexual that caused us to be oppressed, not just our visible behaviours that showed same-sex attraction. The usage of “queer” was wrong, it should never have happened that way, it has lead to even more misunderstanding and hatred and pain, but we also need to recognise history and the truth for what it is, laying the blame out there fairly.

The greatest pain and frustration that I personally feel when it comes to bisexual activism as a bisexual woman is seeing that "radical feminists" can get it right for women's issues in general, when they're not being grossly misogynistic and fetishising lesbians to the point of homophobia, but the "queer" group tend to have a greater understanding of bisexuality. If you remove all of the mentions of "cis" and "trans" and "queer" from posts and blogs and books about bisexuality from that side, then you can find so much that fits so perfectly into radical feminism - but fauxminists won't entertain any of it, won’t see the usefulness and strip out the trash to keep the important parts, because they've somehow tiered lesbians at the top, then the poor, useless, handmaiden bitch straight women, and finally at the bottom, the predatory, lying, dick-obsessed bisexual whores that deserve every single rape and beating that men give us, so why would they?

All of that is why I refer to myself as a radical bifeminist. I refuse to endorse the constant barrage of misogyny and hatred towards women that’s accepted because some misogynistic woman happens to have “radfem” in her bio, and I refuse to be cowed with false accusations of “lesbophobia” for absolutely nothing but not bootlicking individual fauxminist lesbian boots while they’re being misogynistic and/or biphobic.

If all this hatred for women is actual “feminism,” then it’s really no wonder that the movement has had so much failure. There will never be liberation for women when even the so-called feminists hate the “right” women.

[maxbernini]

Wait what biphobic things did maya say in s6? could you elaborate? genuinely asking

it's mostly minor things, nothing as explictly biphobic as what she just said, and you could argue that's bc david & niels didn't intend it that way in the first place (which is probably true), but i do think s6 canon has been enriched by s9 (+ vice versa), and that her recent comments aren't OOC when you rewatch. anyways:

under a read-more bc i think these need explaining and aren’t just...clear-cut examples, the way the recent clips were, so it’s long.

- when she comes out in her first clip, it’s in response to lola talking about having sex with guys. so she knows lola's attracted to men. their next meeting, she invites lola to a party and gets rebuffed (bc of tiff lmao), and maya assumes it's bc lola thinks she wants to sleep with her and that'd be the only reason maya would invite her out, and that lola's uncomfortable with that. then we get the iconic greta thunberg line. imo it’s not entirely unreasonable to think ���this person i’m clicking with has suddenly turned me down after i came out, she’s homophobic’, but it is still her assuming lola’s straight and thinking that sleeping with men = can’t be queer (even though she was happy to flirt with a “straight” girl under that assumption jfkjdkfk, that’s a whole other thing to unpack, which is why i’m also not touching on maya ‘looking’ gay in a way lola doesn’t)

- the morning after the party, they're talking when lola gets a text from daphné. maya immediately asks "is that your boyfriend?". the question isn't inherently biphobic ofc, but at this point she’s fully aware that lola's not straight, and with the recent context of bilal asking if she freaked out bc clement’s a guy and her saying “maybe”, it’s not surprising imo that she immediately assumes lola’s got a boyfriend, not a girlfriend/partner etc, and is curious/insecure/views a bf as a roadblock in a way a gf isn’t, maybe?

- not biphobic at the time imo, but now just more evidence of her hypocrisy re: dating and gender: a week after they reconcile and maya says "i miss you when you're not around", she starts dating char. obviously we know it was bc she freaked out and ran to something “safe”, and doing that pre-dating is a loooot different to someone moving on from a relationship of almost two years a week after breaking up, but again...she’s mad about clement, a man, when she’s a canon serial dater! 18 girlfriends in an entire year lol (i think this is her longest relationship + the first time she’s been dumped tbh)

for what it’s worth i still think she would’ve been angry and jealous if clement was a woman; i like this post + agree with everyone saying she’s looking for anything except her own behavior to blame (which she admits to bilal). but she is still defaulting to biphobia in doing so, and def has some hangups about gender, men, sexuality. i was talking to @llamaslorries and she thinks maya might blame her father for ruining her and her mother’s life and is Alert about men being in the vicinity. i think her experiencing homophobia in the foster system also doesn’t help. either way: she needs therapy ASAP

[transmalewife]

i’ll never understand people who excuse their exclusionism with their own personal experiences. like “i detransitioned so now i’m a terf” or “i though i was asexual but i was just a traumatized kid so that means asexuality doesn’t exist” like what do you have to gain from that? why do you think the minuscule sliver of the human condition that is your personal experience gives you the right to decide what is and isn’t real for millions of others?

i identify as bi currently, and when i came out in middle school bisexual is the word i used. but when i realised i’m nb a few years later, i started identifying as pansexual, because i had been fed the (wrong, ahistorical, biphobic and transphobic) definition of “bi means two” with pan being presented as a more inclusive alternative. i faced queerphobia i didn’t have to because i thought i had to shove myself into the best fitting box from those lists of hundreds of microlabels that used to float around tumblr (remember those?) and was mocked and ridiculed every time i tried to explain to people irl what pansexual meant, trying not to out myself as trans but having no other answer for “why don’t you just id as bi?” (usually followed by something along the lines of ‘you fucking snowflake���) i felt like i was wrong somehow because no matter how hard i tried i couldn’t categorize all the complex feelings i had about my gender into any of those premade boxes. i tried genderfluid or demigirl for a while but nothing stuck. i started doubting myself when i encountered other definitions of pan, that said it’s attraction regardless of gender AND attraction that is identical to all genders, because mine wasn’t, and was so intrinsically tied to how i experience my own gender that i know now i could never have sorted it into two completely separate labels.

i don’t remember what came first but one day i said fuck it, i don’t want to have to explain this again, i’m just gonna say i’m bi, even if it doesn’t fit perfectly, because it fits well enough and this person doesn’t need to know more. i also started reading about actual bisexual history, about bi nb people, about queer people and about how umbrella terms are enough. nonbinary is enough. queer is enough. and bisexual has such an immense breadth of experiences, varying definitions, vastly different people using it over decades, that it is enough too, and for once in my life i can blend into a crowd.

now does that mean i have any issue with people identifying as pan? fuck no. it was the wrong label for me, it even hurt me to identify that way. but i’m not every person on this planet, nor am i self centered enough to think i have any right to speak for them. if i’d identified as a lesbian before realizing i’m also into men, i wouldn’t be going around saying lesbians don’t exist, would i?

i think we need to make sure people know umbrella terms are an option, queer is there to welcome you and you don’t have to choose a perfect label. i despise how pansexual is often used as a biphobic tool, but i despise when anything is used as a biphobic tool. doesn’t mean i hate the thing itself. i think we have very similar needs and goals in our fight for equality, and i think this rift between us is actively impeding that fight for both. i think the myth of ‘bi means two’ needs to go, and any pan (and not pan) person propagating it after being educated about it is a biphobe. but i’m not so self important as to think my label will be perfect for everyone, or that my feelings are the same as everyone’s. and i remember that wonderful feeling of belonging, when a microlabel just clicks into place and (even if it’s just for a few years) fits perfectly. i think that’s beautiful.

i thrive under an umbrella that doesn’t describe my atraction entirely, because that is its purpose. i thrive knowing that of all the queer people out there, living or dead, not one was exactly like me, and i feel safer knowing i have a word i can give to people that doesn’t tell them everything about that part of me, and doesn’t require me to introduce them to the word for the first time and become the one template through which they will judge everyone they meet who also uses that label. one that allows me to choose the moment when i sit down with them for a long night over a bottle of wine and explain the maze that is my gender and the minotaur of my sexuality that dwells within.

but others thrive on order. on knowing that someone out there feels so similarly to them that they wrote it down, gave it a name. they like being able to have one word that when googled will tell everyone more or less how they feel. they like being able to find another, equally specific word, when the first one becomes obsolete, or choose more than one. they like not identifying as a word that was given to us by doctors or bigots, but a word that came from within, that was created for them. sometimes they like creating a word of their own too, to put a neat bow on their own maze, so they can share it with others who may feel similarly and find each other.

and crucially, neither of these versions is wrong

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

Okay, so I know this is really controversial, but I'm wondering why people would call themselves bisexuals if they aren't attracted to only two genders? There are other labels out there that match them better, so why say you are bi when you're closer to pan, poly, or onni?

Because there are plenty of other reasons why someone might prefer one label over another.

And since bisexual means "attraction to more than one gender" that absolutely includes people who are attracted to, well... more than one gender - no matter how many, even all. That's what bisexuality is and for a lot of people it's what it always has been. And just because, e.g. pansexual specifically means attraction to all genders doesn't mean someone has to use that label just because it might be a little more precise.

Like, the pillow next to me is technically scarlet but it's not wrong for me to just say that it's red. Both words are right to describe that pillow, "red" just leaves a little more wiggle room for interpretation.

Personally I'm attracted to all genders but I do not vibe with other m-spec labels at all. I don't mind their existence, I think it's great that people have a variety of labels to choose from. But I'm still bisexual. I prefer bi because I've known that label and felt connected to it way before I even knew any other m-spec labels, way before I learned that there were more than two genders. But luckily eventually I learned all those things and also that bisexuality can include all genders so I didn't have to change my label. I also prefer the bi-label because it's more well-known, demands less explanation in day-to-day life (though deeper conversations might reveal misconceptions) and it's easier to find and connect to bisexuality in an offline community. Also... it's a superficial reason but I find the bi flag the prettiest 🤷‍♀️

Maybe if I was younger and had had my first teenage self-exploration past 2015 I might've stumbled upon the term pansexuality in a formative moment and maybe that would've been the label I had been most drawn to? Maybe. But I'm 31 and I first said the word bisexual in the early 2000s. And I did not have Tumblr to explain things. I could not even google stuff bc we had one family computer and that was it, no smartphones and no way to google sex stuff without the risk of a parent looking over your shoulder. And even so, how could I google something I didn't know a word for? I don't know where I had picked up on the word "bisexual" (probably from s friend at school) but I felt a connection and deep down knew that it fit me. Nevermind that it was followed then by 10+ years of internalised biphobia and staying deeply closeted. So... do you really still wonder why I keep sticking with the label that I have an almost 20years long personal history with? That I have a stronger bond with "bisexual" than I could have with any other m-spec label that I've only learned about in the last 5-7 years? Which is not to say people cannot change their labels after a certain age, it's fine if they want to. But a lot of bisexuals don't and they don't have to just because other words are gaining popularity.

Other people might have different reasons for their labels and sometimes it's just not that deep. Bisexual isn't less accurate for someone who is attracted to 2+ genders because bisexuality doesn't mean exactly just two genders. And you're right that it's controversial what you wrote because it's essentially pushing for a bi=2 definition and demand that bi people use a different label if their attraction includes more than two genders. That's not just controversial, that's biphobic. So please stop that and accept that people can have plenty of reasons for why they pick a label and it's not just about definitions, it's often more about what feels right. It's not your place to say someone chose the wrong label for themselves or there'd be a better one for them. If they'd find another one better then they'd use that and they don't need your approval.

Maddie

[bisexualpositivity]

Hi? Would it be okay to ask for advice?

I used to be comfy with the pan label and I used to be so happy to finally know what I am... Until recently, since I saw so many blogs claiming that it's biphobic. I got insulted and threatened for asking someone to explain why because I genuinely didn't understand... And at this point I'm too scared to use labels or put pride flags anywhere...

It makes me so happy to see blogs like yours who don't exclude, but my anxiety isn't allowing me to relax and I'm still worried that I'm in the wrong here... I don't want to be a bad person.

I feel lost, because I thought I had found a safe space, that I could finally relax a bit and have some support despite living in a very homophobic place... But turns out I'm not safe anywhere and it's making me super paranoid...

I've always struggled with my sense of identity so after finally finding something that I thought was right for me, I felt so relieved... But now after I got treated this way for it, it doesn't feel good anymore? Nothing feels right anymore... I'm scared...

I'm sorry... Please feel free to ignore this... I really don't know what to do and I feel so lost...

personally, I think it's a crime that I can't give you a reassuring hug, anon (assuming you'd be alright with that). you definitely deserve one! :(

please don't pay any mind to people who insult and threaten you just for being loud and proud about your identity, they're not worth your time or energy. if they upset you that much, don't hesitate to block them--you're not obligated to educate them or prove that you're not biphobic. unfortunately, there's a lot of intracommunity bigotry on social media, and it'll take some time for that to change.

since you mentioned feeling anxious--specifically because you're not sure what to do / how to identify--here's an idea: why don't we establish a couple ground rules to help you set healthy boundaries and expectations for interactions in LGBTQ+ spaces?

no stranger online is entitled to know any personal information about you or your identity. if you don't want to tell people what gender / sex you were assigned at birth, which gender(s) you're attracted to, which label(s) you use (if any), or even details about your race / class / disabilities, you don't have to! in fact, anyone who demands that information from you at your own safety's expense is someone you should avoid.

it’s okay to not put your name, age, or pronouns in your bio. while having your name and/or pronouns on display can sometimes make it easier to meet new friends (as it’s easier to strike up a conversation with someone you know how to respectfully refer to), there’s absolutely no obligation on your part to do so! anyone who says “you HAVE to put your pronouns in your bio, especially if you’re cis” is well-meaning, but misguided in their approach to allyship for closeted and questioning trans people. age is a little trickier--while you’re not obligated to share how old you are, it’s important to be mindful of the boundaries you need to set with people in different age groups than your own. 

you’re not responsible for the way outsiders see other people in the LGBTQ+ community. don’t listen to anyone who says “identifying with microlabels makes us look bad” or “your identity is fake / too confusing for cishets to understand, so use a different label instead”, they still have a lot of internalized queerphobia to work through before they’re ready to start giving anyone advice. you don’t exist for anyone else’s consumption--not allies’, brands’, or other members of our community’s.

you don’t have to tolerate someone being rude to you, especially if it’s because they don’t like the way you identify. don’t worry about “letting them win.” walking away from a conversation that’s upsetting to you doesn’t make you a coward or a loser, and even if it did, you should always put your own mental health first. (think of it like this: would you put up with someone talking to your friend this way?)

don’t be afraid to reach out when you need support. sending us this ask was a big first step in the right direction, and I’m so proud of you for taking it! and if you need to talk to someone, but aren’t sure where to start, why not try The Trevor Project, or their new public forum TrevorSpace? I’ve used both before, and they can be surprisingly helpful!

tl;dr: there are plenty of people in this community that love and support you! we want you to feel safe and welcome in LGBTQ+ spaces, and we’re happy to provide you with reassurance that you’re not hurting anyone by being proud of who you are 💜

[adorpheus]

on fujoshi and fetishization

Lately, more and more, both here on tumblr and on other sites, I keep seeing people spew unfiltered hatred at fujoshi - that is, women who like mlm content such as gay fanfic and fanart featuring men with other men. And I don’t mean like a specific type of fujoshi, like the ones who are genuinely being weird about it, but just like a general hatred for girls (but especially straight identifying girls) who express love for gay romance.

I hate to break this to you all, but women (including straight women!) actually are allowed to like mlm fanfiction and fanart, even enthusiastically so. A woman simply expressing her love of gay fanfic, even if it is in kind of a cringey way or a way that you personally don’t like, is NOT automatically fetishization.

I’ve been on the receiving end of fetishization for my entire life, from a very young age, as many black and brown folx have, so I consider myself pretty well acquainted with how it works. Fetishization isn’t just like, being really into drawings of boys kissing, or whatever the fuck y’all are trying to imply on this god forsaken site. 

Fetishization is complicated imo, and can encompass a lot of things, such as (but not limited to):

1 - dehumanization, e.g. viewing a group of people as sexual objects who exist purely for entertainment purposes, rather than acknowledging them as actual people who deserve respect and rights

and

2 - projecting certain assumptions onto said people based on their race/sexuality/whatever is being fetishized. These assumptions are often, but not always, sexual in nature (like the idea that black people in general are more sexual than other races, etc etc etc).

I’m going to use myself as an example to illustrate my point. Please note this isn’t the best or most nuanced example, but it is the most simplistic. A white person finding me attractive and respectfully appreciating my black features as part of what makes me beautiful is not, on its own, fetishization. A white person finding me attractive solely or mostly because I’m a PoC is now in fetishization territory. Similarly, assuming I’m dominant because of my blackness (like saying “step on me mommy” and shit like that) is hella fetishistic. 

That being said, theres definitely a difference between how fetishization works in real life with real people, and how it shows up in fandom. 

Fetishization manifests in many different ways in fandom, but most commonly on the mlm side of things, I personally see it appear as conservative (or centrist) women who love the idea of two men together, but don’t actually like gay people, and don’t necessarily think LGBT+ people deserve rights (or “special treatment” as its sometimes dog whistled). These women view queer men as sexual objects for entertainment rather than an actual group of people who deserve to be protected from systemic oppression. I’ve noticed that they often don’t even think of the men they “ship” together as actually being gay, and may even express disgust at the idea of a character in an mlm ship being headcanon’d gay. In case its not obvious, this is pretty much exactly the same way a lot of cishet men fetishize lesbians (they see “lesbian” as a porn category, rather than like, what actual LGBT people think of when we read the word lesbian). There’s a pretty popular viral tweet thread going around where someone explains seeing this trend of conservative women who like mlm stuff, and I have also personally witnessed this phenomenon myself in more than one fandom. 

The funny thing is, maybe its just me buuuut.... The place I see this particular kind of fetishization happen most is not in the anime/BL fandom, from which the term fujoshi originates - I actually see these type of women way way more in western fandom spaces like Supernatural, Harry Potter, and Hannibal. I can’t stress this enough, there’s a shocking amount of people who are like, straight up trump supporters in these fandoms. If you want to experience it, try joining a Hannigram or Destiel group on facebook and you will probably encounter one eventually especially if you happen to be living through a major historical event. Like these women probably wouldn’t even be considered “fujoshi”, because that term doesn’t really apply to them given they aren’t in the BL/anime fandom, yet they’re the ones I personally see actually doing the most harm.

Of course this isn’t the ONLY kind of fetishizing woman in the mlm/BL world, there are other ways fetishization shows up, but this is the most toxic kind that I see.

A girl just being really into BL or whatever may be “cringe” to you, or she may be expressing her love for BL in a “cringey” way, but a straight woman really enjoying BL is not, on its own, somehow inherently fetishization. Yes, sometimes teenage girls act kind of cringe about how much they like BL and that might be annoying to you, but its not necessarily ~problematic~. 

That being said, IT NEEDS BE REMARKED that a lot of the “fujoshi” that you all hate so deeply, are actually closeted trans men or nonbinary people who haven’t yet come to terms with their gender identity, or are otherwise just NOT cishet. I know because I was one of these closeted people for years, and I honestly think tumblr and the cultural obsession around purity is one of the many reasons I was closeted so deeply for so long. STORYTIME LOL!!! In my early adolescence, I was a sort of proto “fujoshi”. I identified as a bi girl who was mostly attracted to men, or as most (biphobic) people called it, “practically straight”. I wrote and read “slash” fanfic and looked at as well as drew my own fanart. We didn’t use the term fujoshi back then, but that’s definitely how I could have been described. I was obsessed with yaoi, BL, whatever you want to call it, to a cringe-inducing degree. I really struggled to relate to most het romances, so when I first discovered yaoi fanfics (as we called them at the time), I fell in love and felt like I finally found the type of romance content that was made for me. I didn’t know exactly why, I just knew it hit different. LGBT+ fanart and fanfiction brought me an immense amount of joy, and I didn’t really think too hard about why.

At some point, in my early 20s, after reading lots of discourse™ here on tumblr and other places like twitter, I started to get the sinking feeling that my passion for gay fanfiction was ~problematic~. I had always felt a sense of guilt for being into mlm content, because literally anyone who found out I liked BL (especially the men I dated) shamed me for liking it all the fucking time (which btw is literally just homophobic, like can we talk about that?). In addition to THAT bullshit, now I’m seeing posts telling me that girls who like BL are cringey gross fetishists who inspire rage and should go die? 

Let me tell you, I internalized the fuck out of messages like this. I desperately wanted to avoid being ~problematic~. At the time, I thought being problematic was like the worst thing you could be. I was terrified of being “cancelled”, before canceling was even really a thing. I thought to myself, “oh my god, I’m gross for liking this stuff? I should stop.” I beat myself up over this. I wanted so badly to be accepted, and to be deemed a Good Person by the internet and society at large.

I tried to shape up and become a good ally (lmfao). I stopped writing fanfic and deleted all the ones I was working on at the time. I made a concerted effort to assimilate into cishet culture, including trying to indulge myself more deeply in the few fandoms I could find that had het content I did enjoy (Buffy, True Blood, Pretty Little Liars, etc). I would occasionally look at BL/fanfic/etc in private, but then I would repress my interest in it and not look for a while. Instead I would look at women in straight relationships, and create extremely heterosexual Couple Goals pinterest boards, and try to figure out how I could become more like these women, so I, too, could be loved someday. 

This cycle of repression lasted like eight years. Throughout it all, I was performing womanhood to the best of my ability and trying to become a woman that was worthy of being in a relationship. I went in and out of several “straight” relationships, wondering why they didn’t make me feel the way reading fanfic did. Most of all, I couldn’t figure out why straight intimacy didn’t work for me. I just didn’t enjoy it. I always preferred looking at or making gay fanfiction/fanart over actual intimacy with men in real life. 

Eventually, I stumbled upon a trans coming out video that someone I was following posted online, my egg started to crack, and to make an extremely long story short, after like 3 years of introspection and many gender panic attacks that I still experience to this day, I realized that I’m uh... MAYBE... NOT CIS..!? :|

I truly believe if I had just been ALLOWED TO LIKE GAY STUFF WITHOUT BEING SHAMED FOR IT, I probably would have realized I was trans way way sooner. Because for me, indulging in my love of gay romance and writing gay fanfic wasn’t me being a weirdo fetishist, it was actually me exploring my own gender identity. It is what helped me come to terms with being a nonbinary trans boy.

Not everyone realizes they are trans at age 2 or whatever the fuck. Sometimes you have to go through a cringey fujoshi phase and multiple existential crises to realize how fucking gay you are AND THATS FINE.

And one more thing - can we just be real here? 

A lot of anti-fujoshi sentiment is literally just misogyny. omg please realize this. Its “women aren’t allowed to enjoy things” but, like... with gay fanfics. Some of the anti-fujoshi posts I see come across my dash are clearly ppl projecting a caricature they invented in their head of a demonic fujoshi fetishist onto any woman who expresses what they consider to be a little too much enthusiasm for gay content and then using their perception of that individual as an excuse to justify their disdain for any women, especially straight women, ‘invading’ their ~oh so exclusive~ queer fandom spaces.

 god get over yrselfs this is gatekeeping by another name

idk why i spent so long writing this no one is even going to read it, does anyone even still use this site

*EDIT: HOLY SHIT WHEN DOING RESEARCH FOR THIS POST I FOUND OUT THAT Y-GALLERY IS BACK OMG!!! 

[elizabethvaughns]

reasons why i absolutely adore the musical if/then and why you should watch it(or a recording) if you haven’t already

this might get a little long. please message me or something if you’d rather have a properly punctuated and spaced out version for whatever reason. i don’t want to inconvenience anyone. 

ah yes the essay(kinda sorta not really) that absolutely no one has been waiting for which i used to get over my boredom in french and physics class. fun :)

alright people it’s if/then ramble time. again it’s a little long(i think it may be longer than essays i’ve written for school) so uhh it’s under the cut. 

all righty let’s get started

1. the humor. while one or two jokes might be, well, to put it lightly, dated(like liz’s vaguely biphobic comment), they are, all in all, good jokes! some of my favorites include

“i’m a fucking great kindergarten teacher” “do you use language like that in class?” “only when it’s called for.”

“i don’t think it was fate so much as it was you”

and this is just from the first song! there are so, so many more. 

2. the characters. i think it’s safe to say that to some degree, i can relate to most of them. more on that later. but even so, the most important thing is that they’re grounded in reality. each of them have virtues, shortcomings, biases, etc, etc. and it’s understandable and relatable because it’s human! i’ve noticed at times that characters end up being caricatures of a particular demographic. this is not the case here, and i’m, frankly, thankful for it. 

3. the score. okay okay okay. it is absolutely amazing and beautiful and i’m here for it. the vocals? chef’s kiss. the music? chef’s kiss. the motifs? CHEF’S KISS. i love it when specific parts of the song, such as the music or just some lyrics get reprised to a different song. it just gives a sense of congruence and continuity to the whole thing. bonus points when it breaks my heart(like how the opening notes of “here i go” and the closing notes of “i hate you” sound eerily similar increasing the emotional impact). 

3a. side note: as amazing as the songs are, i do need to admit that they truly show their magic when you properly know their context. allow me to explain. so before listening to any musical, i read the wikipedia synopsis so that (a) i have some amount of context before listening, and (b) i don’t get hit as hard emotionally when i finally end up listening to the soundtrack(now obviously that’s not the case--my eyes began to water during “unlikely lovers” of falsettos and “i hate you” of if/then during my watch throughs, for instance). well, i’m getting a bit off-track here. but anyways, i’m certain that people have expressed this before, but the wikipedia synopsis of if/then gave me absolutely zero useful context for listening to the songs. i was so confused half of the time! based on the synopsis, i thought that all songs following “what if?” (except for “surprise”, of course, which signified an intersection of timelines) were either exclusively liz songs or exclusively beth songs. for example: the songs that i thought were exclusively in the beth timeline include, “a map of new york”, “ain’t no man manhattan”(i explained my confusion in the tags of one of my reblogs this is already getting really long sorry), and “what the fuck?”; moreover, i thought “you learn to live without” was exclusively a liz song. also there’s a lot of dialogue in between stanzas of the song that’s not in the cast recording. so i guess what i’m saying is that if you have not watched/listened to it yet, watch first, listen later. don’t make the same mistake i made. 

3b. another side note: this is absolutely not relevant but i came across a recording of the dc version over spring break and i watched it and can i just say <3 <3 <3. i can certainly see how it was improved over the years but i still love both versions equally :). also anne in her pantsuit in “this day” could step on me and i could thank her. my disaster bi ass goes brrr.

4. the lighting. pretty self-explanatory. i love how the lighting distinguishes between the timelines. also the “happy birthday elizabeth” banner that lights up different letters according to the timeline. beautiful. 

5. the choreography. maybe i haven’t been looking in the right places but i haven’t seen much appreciation for this but...yeah. i’m in love with the choreography of this show! i don’t know why. it just strikes a chord with me. especially the scene near the end of “this day”. it’s so cute!

6. the representation! now this has most definitely been mentioned before by other folks, but i feel a need to highlight it as well. i guess this actually ties into my second point about the characters. it goes to prove how society is not homogeneous however it may appear to be. lovely. 

7. and most of all, the ending. my absolute favorite part about the ending is the fact that it is somewhat ambiguous(i guess that’d be the best way to put it). there’s hope, especially in the beth timeline. i love how both timelines essentially cycle back to the beginning( “here’s how it starts / and here’s how it ends”) and “switches” the roles for both of them--liz gets the job while beth finds love. while i’m not a big fan of the job/love dichotomy, i do know that one can’t get it all all at once. so i’m glad that their arcs concluded with the beginning of the other’s arc. moreover, i love that liz/beth isn’t stuck in the what if’s and what not anymore and is, overall, more decisive. we love character development! and...about the ambiguity of the ending. i think this is one ending that i am happy about and that’s certainly saying something. i mean, the main reason for canon divergence fics is the fact that (a) someone’s character arc was severely messed up, or (b) someone died. well, yes, josh technically died but he is alive in the beth timeline, so that counts for something! and i don’t really feel the need to read any canon divergence fics(not considering the fact that they don’t exist! people please the fan fiction potential for this fandom is IMMENSE). so i guess what i have to say is i’m satisfied with the ending, a thing i can’t honestly say for many of the fandoms i’m in(...not gonna elaborate on that). 

idk if i missed anything but i think that’s it.

[thisaliennerd]

can you please elaborate on why you think kurt is the toxic abusive one in the klaine relationship? maybe i’m biased but i don’t see it.

Yes, I absolutely can, thank you for asking! I’ll start with the basic points and then I’ll elaborate with examples under the cut in case y’all don’t feel like reading an actual essay today. (I’ve also put the link to the google doc in my linktree in my bio which might be a more accessible way to read this as it is a 25 page essay)

Kurt takes every opportunity to tear Blaine down and takes advantage of Blaine’s compulsive need to help/build up the people he loves, to ensure that he has as much power over Blaine as possible

He refuses to talk about problems in the relationship (of which there are many) when they arise, sometimes actively shutting Blaine down when he tries to talk about it, but gets angry when the problems worsen, accuses Blaine of pulling away, and puts the emotional burden on him

He refuses to acknowledge his own fault in ANYTHING, both in his relationship with Blaine and in his other relationships

When they aren’t together, Kurt drags Blaine along, sabotages and undermines Blaine’s relationships, and refuses to allow him to move on, all while actively pursuing other relationships himself, ensuring that Blaine is always there as a fallback plan

He is INCREDIBLY jealous, even before he had any reason to think that Blaine would cheat, despite Blaine repeatedly shutting down people’s (read: Sebastian’s) advances, and Kurt frequently flirting with and playing into people flirting him while dating Blaine

He says he loves Blaine, but he also implies that if anyone else came along that could make him feel the same way, he would leave

He is rarely supportive of Blaine in general, especially if he isn’t doing something that could potentially help Kurt, in contrast to Blaine being pretty relentlessly supportive of Kurt in everything he does

He holds the things that Blaine’s done wrong in their relationship over his head, even after claiming to forgive him

He’s just pretty selfish and narcissistic in general 

So, let’s go deeper into it, these are complicated and nuanced issues, and I’m sure you need more evidence than just some bullet points, especially for such a popular ship.

Power Dynamics

Let’s start by analyzing the power dynamics between Blaine and Kurt throughout the show and how it affects their relationship. When we meet Blaine in season 2 episode 6, Kurt is in an incredibly vulnerable place, dealing with intense bullying and homophobia at school. Blaine, despite only being (presumably) fifteen and a sophomore, is astoundingly poised and confident. This is where we see Blaine at his happiest. He seems very sure of himself, and this stands in stark contrast to Kurt. Upon seeing this in Kurt, Blaine quickly opens up, sharing that he had a similar experience not too long ago. He gives Kurt advice, encouraging him not to give up and to have courage, building Kurt up. He even comes to McKinley, seemingly during school hours, to confront Karofsky with Kurt. Throughout this, he is calm, comforting, and continues to build Kurt up as best he can. This behavior continues from Blaine as the season continues. Once Kurt transfers to Dalton, Blaine is in a minor position of power as the lead singer of the Warblers, however, he routinely uses this power to keep building Kurt up. He laughs at Kurt’s jokes (s2e9), gives him advice on how to integrate into the new environment (s2e9), and even gets him a lead in a song for Regionals (s2e16). However, when Kurt transfers to Dalton, we begin to see a different side of him. He becomes exceptionally bitter and jealous of Blaine. We see him getting upset over Blaine getting solos in multiple episodes (s2e9, s2e16), despite how kind and accommodating Blaine has been. He openly criticizes Blaine’s performances, saying that they’re all the same (s2e16), and this marks the first example of Kurt tearing Blaine down. Blaine gives up the opportunity for another solo and risks his position by standing up to the Warblers and telling them he wants to sing a duet with Kurt (s2e16). Kurt is also very dismissive of Blaine’s identity struggles. The first and most notable example of this being in season 2 episode 14. Blaine questions whether he might be bisexual and Kurt is not only biphobic but also dismisses Blaine’s crisis. He tries to dictate Blaine’s identity and is passive-aggressive and bitter for the rest of the episode. We get several more examples of this early in season 3. 

In season 3 episode 1, Kurt pressures Blaine to transfer to McKinley, even saying that he was being passive-aggressive, something we’ll see Kurt do often in arguments going forward. Although he maintains a playful tone of voice, it’s very clear that he isn’t joking. Blaine expresses concerns about leaving his friends, and Kurt implies that he isn’t sure that their new relationship can survive if he doesn’t come to WMHS, stopping just shy of actually putting the ultimatum out there, but certainly implying it. Blaine decides to transfer, a move that not only screams codependency but also further brings Blaine down. Kurt is back in his element, he’s a senior, this is his school, whereas Blaine is now a newbie as a junior, abandoning his role as lead of the Warblers for Kurt. And although Blaine initially claims that he came for him, it’s obvious that that isn’t the case, and Blaine confirms that he did it for Kurt later (s4e3, s4e7). In episode 2, Kurt works to further limit Blaine by convincing him not to audition for Tony. Here we see an example of Kurt’s manipulation. He never explicitly tells Blaine not to audition, but just makes passive-aggressive comments until Blaine decides not to audition, asserting his power over him. Again, Blaine is giving up opportunities in order to maintain his relationship with Kurt. Blaine even hesitates to read for Tony when directly asked, because he’s worried about how Kurt will react. And sure enough, Kurt is visibly upset when Blaine’s asked, and while it’s reasonable that he would be disappointed, he shouldn’t have put that on Blaine at all. We see the culmination of this little storyline at the beginning of episode 3, and on first watch, this seems like a sweet scene. Kurt congratulates Blaine for getting Tony, gives him flowers, and says he’s proud of him. However, it’s in Blaine’s reaction that we see the problem. He says, “You always zig when I think you’re about to zag, and I love that about you,” and again, this almost seems sweet, but the undertones of that comment are that Blaine didn’t think that Kurt would be supportive. He was genuinely worried that his boyfriend wouldn’t support him getting the lead in the musical. We see that throughout season 3, Blaine struggles in the New Directions. He tries to fit in, but the group is immediately antagonistic towards him, refusing to listen to his ideas. Kurt says nothing about this, even when it comes from Finn. He doesn’t call them out, he doesn’t even comfort Blaine about it. They spend most of this season pretty equal, but this isn’t enough for Kurt, as he gets his NYADA audition and begins to rise in status, he also continues to tear down Blaine. Flashing forward to episode 17, we see a lot of issues come to the surface here, which will come back later, but we also see more of Kurt tearing down Blaine. Kurt says that it’s hard being Blaine’s boyfriend because he’s “an Alpha gay”. He complains that he doesn’t get solos, implying that it’s Blaine’s fault, even blatantly lying by saying that he used to get solos every week. He manipulates Blaine, putting the fault on him, refusing to apologize for his actions, only apologizing for how it made Blaine feel. Eventually, Blaine is the one forced to apologize. This conversation is especially interesting in comparison to their conversation in season 5 episode 16, but we’ll come back to that. First, let’s talk about season 4. 

In season 4 episode 1, their power dynamic has shifted yet again, Kurt got rejected from NYADA and Blaine was a senior and lead singer again. Kurt is clearly uncomfortable with this, but Blaine just continues to lift up Kurt. He tells him to New York and gives Kurt the confidence he needs to follow his dreams. Here’s where their relationship begins to fall apart. Now that Kurt is in New York, he immediately encounters success at Vogue, and as soon as he does, he pulls away from Blaine. He is now way above Blaine, and Kurt doesn’t need him anymore. He feels like Blaine is only limiting him. He prioritizes his success and career over Blaine, which is of course, fine when he does it, but not fine when Blaine does it. He actively ignores Blaine, not just to do his work, but also just to gossip and chat with his coworkers (s4e3), even when he knew that it was an important night for Blaine. He minimizes Blaine’s concerns and successes, talking over him and constantly pivoting the conversation back to himself (s4e3). Then, of course, comes the breakup in episode 4. Blaine explains that he did what he did because he felt that Kurt was moving on. Now of course this doesn’t justify what Blaine did, but throughout all the conversations about this incident, Kurt never acknowledges that he had any part in what happened, again putting one hundred percent of the burden on Blaine (s4e4). This continues throughout the season. Blaine constantly has to apologize, but Kurt never has to, because everything wrong with the relationship prior to Blaine cheating gets ignored. The breakup destroys Blaine’s self-esteem, and it becomes very evident that Blaine doesn't know who he is without Kurt. Kurt has successfully taken a very confident young man, made him dependent on him, and then not only left him but ghosted him (s4e8), completely wrecking him. He purposely didn’t forgive Blaine to hurt him (s4e8). It's Blaine’s senior year, he's finally made it back to where he was in season 2, and now he's not even able to play the lead in the musical. Blaine has hit rock bottom, and just as he starts to recover, getting a crush on Sam, becoming closer with Tina, gaining some self-respect and confidence back, Kurt reenters Blaine’s life. We’ll talk about this more later, but Kurt decides to lead Blaine on, keeping him dependent on Kurt, not allowing him to move on (s4e8, s4e14). For example, he calls Blaine right before he’s about to perform at sectionals only to remind him that he still hasn’t forgiven him, and tells him that they can see each other at Christmas, even though he decides not to go back for Christmas not two episodes later (s4e8, s4e10). Then he hooks up with Blaine at Will’s wedding, even though he doesn’t want to get back together and he knows how Blaine feels about him (s4e14). This continues for the rest of the season. At this point, Kurt holds all the power over Blaine. He is not only successful in the outside world, working at Vogue and going to NYADA, but he has also destroyed Blaine’s self-confidence and ensured that Blaine is dependent on Kurt. On to season 5. 

In season 5 episode 1, we get the reunion. This scene is another scene like the Lima Bean scene in season 3. It seems cute and romantic, Kurt plays it in a playful way, but in a closer analysis, it becomes more insidious. Blaine begs Kurt to get back with him, and he talks about how they’ve effectively been dating for weeks. At the end of the scene, Kurt reveals that he intended to say yes the whole time, as he had prepared a song, but before he says yes, he puts Blaine through some more manipulative games. Kurt keeps his voice light, but Blaine is very earnest, clearly taking it to heart. Blaine asks Kurt to be his boyfriend again, and Kurt says he doesn’t think it’ll work, because last time, Blaine cheated. Blaine gets very upset, saying that they’ve been over this and that he’ll “never ever cheat on [Kurt] again”. Kurt says that he wants Blaine to sign a contract, and Blaine says that he’ll sign anything as long as Kurt will get back together with him. These lines are interesting because Kurt sounds like he’s joking, but Blaine absolutely doesn’t. He is so desperate to get Kurt back, and Kurt, who again, has already decided to get back with Blaine, is dragging this out and holding the cheating over Blaine’s head. But Kurt still doesn’t let it go. He says that he’s not even sure if relationships work, requiring Blaine to keep begging. Finally, he agrees to get back together, but it’s clear in this scene that Kurt enjoys having this power over Blaine, and he likes making Blaine beg for forgiveness. He made him do so for the entirety of season 4. I’ll talk more about the proposal later, but here I would like to point out that the use of All You Need is Love is interesting, because there is much more to a functional relationship, but generally, these two seem to ignore this because they love each other. They spend the first half of season 5 separate and don’t interact often, however, when they do talk, it is still clear that Kurt, as an adult out in the world, holds supremacy over Blaine, and when they do talk, Kurt often belittles Blaine’s high school problems in favor of talking about his own, insulting Blaine and then pivoting the conversation to him as soon as he can (s5e7). In fact, Kurt is so unsupportive that Blaine has to make a puppet version of him just to get validation and forgiveness (s5e7). We even see Kurt controlling what Blaine wears multiple times (s5e6, s5e14). Blaine has been built up more from season 4, but this is only because he’s back with Kurt, again reinforcing his dependence on Kurt. The next major conflict in their relationship comes in episode 14. Blaine has just moved to New York and in with Kurt. Their new power dynamic is solidifying. Blaine is adjusting to a big change, and he's struggling with it. He's trying his best to be with Kurt in this new environment, but he’s not sure how to handle it. He’s intimidated by how sure of himself Kurt is and just wants to find a place for himself in Kurt’s life. His solution is to try and do things for Kurt. It worked in high school, but here, it only pushes Kurt away further. Kurt feels suffocated by Blaine, but he openly lies to Blaine about it, refusing to address it until it reaches a boiling point (which he does often). Desperate, Blaine tries to carve out a place in the apartment for himself, but Kurt hates this. He becomes aggressive, claiming that the apartment is his, and not theirs and that Blaine shouldn’t be making changes. At the end of the episode, Blaine is the one who suggests the solution of him moving out, pointing out that they never had a conversation about him moving in in the first place. During this conversation, Blaine is very earnest again, constantly reassuring Kurt that he doesn’t want to break up, and is physically very intense, trying to make eye contact, moving to connect with Kurt, and initiating a hug, while Kurt feels completely detached, avoiding eye contact, keeping his voice monotone, and looking pretty disinterested. Sidenote: In this episode, Kurt also demands that Blaine ask Sam to move out even though he’s the one who wants him gone in the first place.

But the most compelling evidence comes in episode 16. Blaine has been in the city for a little while now but is still struggling to find himself. He’s started gaining some weight from comfort eating and he’s insecure about it. In this episode, the textual focus is actually on the change in their power dynamic, so here is where it’s most obvious. Blaine feels uncomfortable with Kurt being hit on by other men, but it’s shown that Kurt isn’t shutting these advances down at all. Blaine feels distinctly inferior to Kurt, and it’s fueling his insecurities. Kurt notices that Blaine’s insecure, but decides not to talk to him about it. Instead, he repeatedly comments on the food that Blaine’s eating, reinforcing Blaine’s insecurities about his weight, and tearing Blaine down further. There’s also an interesting scene in this episode where Kurt, Blaine, Artie, and Sam are all out getting dinner together, and Sam asks about a free clinic to get tested for STDs. Kurt answers and then throws in a comment about the time Blaine cheated. This visibly upsets Blaine, but he also seems annoyed by the comment. It’s wholly unnecessary and doesn’t add anything to the conversation, all it does is make Blaine feel bad. This is the second time this season we’ve seen Kurt bring this up for no reason and the casualness of the comment coupled with Blaine’s reaction implies that this may be something he brings up frequently. At this point, Blaine has again been brought low, the confidence he had temporarily built backup is gone because it was all based on Kurt. Kurt is at least somewhat aware of this but still doesn’t talk to Blaine about it. He halfheartedly reassures Blaine about his body (a surface symptom of the deeper problem) in between comments about his food, even convincing Blaine not to eat the (perfectly reasonable) food he made in favor of a salad. Then, he discovers a porn website on Blaine’s computer. He becomes very upset and angry about this, while Blaine is visibly uncomfortable. Kurt verbally says that Blaine can do whatever he wants on his own computer but gets increasingly angry. He yells at Blaine about how they haven’t had sex in a week but doesn’t question why, he just storms out. In the next scene they have together, Blaine enters their stage combat class, where Kurt already is, late. This already puts Kurt in higher standing within his environment. Blaine is angry and asks Kurt why he didn’t tell him that he didn’t want to walk to class together. Kurt is dismissive and says he just forgot, but his tone and body language doesn’t support this. Blaine asks if Kurt is still upset about the website, and Kurt says no, but his tone is still angry and dismissive. Blaine then suggests that they should talk about the fight, but Kurt shuts it down, saying, “You know, Blaine, sometimes I think we talk too much”. They start fencing, and Kurt, who knows that Blaine’s been struggling in this class, both with the content and with making friends, publicly embarrasses him in front of the whole class. Later, they finally have a conversation, but again, this is only happening after their problems reach a boiling point. Kurt comes home and asks Blaine what happened in combat class, saying “you were really coming at me,” not acknowledging that he too, was aggressive in his fighting, and being very confrontational (including closed-off body language). Blaine reveals that he feels like he has to prove himself. He feels like he’s falling behind Kurt and is unable to support and protect him, which had previously been an important aspect of their relationship all the way until Blaine moved to New York. Kurt is immediately unreceptive and angry. He says that Blaine shouldn’t want to be superior to Kurt and that they should want to be equals. Blaine quickly apologizes, feeling even worse about himself, but Blaine never says that he wants to be superior, just that he feels so far behind Kurt, and as we’ve established, Kurt has been systematically tearing Blaine down for years. Blaine tells Kurt that he feels terrible about himself and his body and feels like Kurt is going to judge him. Kurt claims that he would never judge Blaine, but again, had been making comments about the amount and type of food Blaine was eating. Blaine then says that he’s afraid that if he can’t do things for Kurt, Kurt will outgrow him, and once he no longer needs him, will stop loving him. This isn’t an unreasonable fear, as this is similar to what had happened when Kurt first moved to New York, but this also expresses a deeper fear of Blaine’s that can be traced back to his childhood. As shown in season 3 episode 15, Blaine had a very bad relationship with his older brother, Cooper. Cooper is shown as very selfish, always needing Blaine to be doing things for him and making every conversation about him. This not only mirrors a lot of Kurt’s behavior but also explains why Blaine feels he will be abandoned if he can’t do things for people. It’s already happened to him. Kurt says that he would never leave Blaine, which also proves to be false in season 6, but he also says that Blaine needs to tell him when he feels this way. However, Blaine tried twice, in the porn fight scene and in the stage combat scene, to talk about it, and Kurt shut it down both times. Again, Kurt is putting all the emotional burden on Blaine, deflecting his own fault, and gaslighting Blaine about previous events. Finally, they make up, but in the final scene, Blaine seems to have developed an eating disorder, and Kurt says that they have decided to eat out less often and work out more, but Kurt was already doing those things. Another example of Kurt trying to control what Blaine eats. 

Moving on to the rest of season 5, in episode 18, Kurt invites Blaine to perform with him for June Dolloway. Blaine kills his performance and June asks only him to be her project. Suddenly, their dynamic has shifted again. This is a major success for Blaine, and Kurt’s been stalling recently. Blaine now has a lot more power and we see a glimpse of the old Blaine return when he performs for and with June. However, Kurt doesn’t react well to this throughout Blaine’s time with June. Immediately once Blaine gets picked, Blaine feels guilty about it, almost turning it down. Kurts assures him that it’s fine, but qualifies it by saying that it’ll be good for both of them, even saying it’s “[their] careers” instead of Blaine’s career. Later in the episode, Blaine and Kurt are finally having time together after Blaine has been spending a lot of time with June, Kurt says, “I’m upset with you,” and Blaine immediately looks terrified. He freezes, tenses, and panics. He’s walking on eggshells around Kurt, and no one should ever be scared of their partner. As with the flowers scene in season 3, Blaine is genuinely worried that Kurt will be upset about him taking an opportunity because Kurt wanted it for himself. Kurt is generally only supportive when it’s potentially beneficial to him. Blaine is so worried about upsetting Kurt that he decides to lie to him and tell him that he’s in the showcase June is organizing for Blaine. In episode 19, Blaine gives up a big opportunity with June to go to Kurt’s show, and then the storyline finishes in episode 20. Blaine fails to convince June to let Kurt into the showcase and is forced to confess to Kurt. Blaine attempts to explain the situation, but Kurt says he can’t trust Blaine or anything he says, and then reacts physically, throwing a bag of food onto the floor. Blaine jumps to his feet, apologizing and explaining that he didn’t know what else to do because he was scared of hurting Kurt’s feelings, but Kurt just storms out. Now, of course, Blaine shouldn’t have lied, but only a few episodes earlier in episode 14, Kurt lied about Blaine not crowding him so as not to hurt his feelings. Kurt does similar things all the time, but Blaine has to suffer for it. Later in episode 20, Kurt and Blaine talk again. Blaine, visibly upset, says that he doesn’t want to do the showcase because Kurt is more important to him, implying that he thinks he has to give up a major opportunity for his career for Kurt. Kurt responds by coming up with a confusing metaphor, waxing poetic at Blaine (sarcasm and figures of speech are something that Blaine already struggles to understand throughout the show), dragging it out, and making it sound very bad, so Blaine keeps apologizing. Then Kurt finally stops him. He says he understands what happened, and even, for the first time, takes some responsibility. He acknowledges that the way he was acting would have led Blaine to believe that lying was the only option. This is Kurt’s best reaction to a fight across the show, but it shouldn’t have gotten here. And because, yet again, Kurt pushed Blaine until he snapped and messed up, Kurt is the one with the power. He’s the one to forgive, and Blaine is the one who has to relentlessly apologize and then thank Kurt when he forgives him. And sure enough, because Blaine is so dependent on Kurt, he is incredibly relieved when Kurt forgives him, and thanks him repeatedly. He’s very physical here too, hugging Kurt, but Kurt is, again, very closed off, not very receptive. Blaine, again suggests that he won’t do the showcase without Kurt, and although Kurt does tell him to do it, it’s insane that this is even a question in Blaine’s mind. Plus the whole “I’m the luckiest guy in the world,” “Yeah pretty much,” interaction just rubs me the wrong way. In the end, Blaine risks his partnership with June to sing with Kurt anyway, which again, he shouldn’t have had to do. Every time Blaine is more successful, he tries to lift Kurt up to his level, even when it’s risky for him, but Kurt constantly tears Blaine down, even when he’s in a better position. Finally (for this point), let’s talk about the trainwreck that is season 6.

Season 6 is a lot more complex when it comes to power dynamics specifically. At the beginning of episode 1, they've broken up, and it’s had a profound effect on Blaine. He got very depressed, which makes sense, because he’s become so reliant on Kurt, got cut from NYADA, had to move back to Lima, and he wasn’t even able to play music for a while. He still seems to be struggling emotionally, while Kurt is in New York at NYADA, and initially, in the episode, it seems like Kurt is doing well. However, when Kurt comes back to Lima this shifts again. Kurt wants to get back together with Blaine, but Blaine is dating someone else, Dave Karofsky, and seems fairly happy in this new relationship. And because the focus of their arc this season is their journey to get back together, at this point, Blaine holds more power. It doesn’t matter that Kurt is in a better place in his life and career, because not only is that not the focus, but Kurt is now also in Lima. Blaine has begun the process to move on from Kurt, and this has happened once previously in their relationship, back in season 4, and just like in season 4, right as Blaine begins to move on, Kurt decides to reenter his life. Of course, the difference here is that Kurt hasn’t attempted to move on like he did in season 4. His sole purpose is to get Blaine back, and this actually gives Blaine more power because Kurt is openly pursuing him, instead of subtly leading him on. But before we continue with season 6, let’s do a closer analysis of the breakup scene, because I think, like season 5 episode 16, it illustrates a lot of the problems in the relationship very clearly. 

This scene is shown via flashback, and Kurt is the one having the flashback. This is interesting because it’s been established, at this point in the episode, that Blaine and Kurt have been broken up for months, and based on Kurt’s reaction to this memory, this is the first time Kurt has dealt with the breakup. We see he remembers this scene, starts crying, and then the next time we see him, he’s back in Lima to get Blaine back. So, the flashback begins with Blaine arriving at the restaurant, it’s raining heavily. Kurt is already there, waiting for him. Blaine is very happy. He apologizes for being slightly late, explaining that it’s because of the rain and because he had stopped to check on a venue for their wedding. He seems very excited about this venue. The camera pans over and we see Kurt’s face for the first time. He looks annoyed, and he asks why he’s always the first to arrive. Blaine’s face falls a little but he explains again, repeating that he found a venue that’s available for their wedding, still excited about it. Kurt, again, doesn’t respond to this and just changes the subject to ordering food, annoyed. Blaine’s face changes, and he seems to register that Kurt isn’t going to respond positively to this step in the wedding planning. He says that he doesn’t want to fight, but he feels like he’s the one who’s been doing all the wedding planning. Kurt says nothing, just passive-aggressively puts down his menu, and stares at Blaine in an accusatory way. Blaine, very genuinely and earnestly, asks Kurt what’s wrong, actually begging Kurt to just talk to him, and asks him if he’s having second thoughts about the wedding. Kurt doesn’t flat out answer the question, instead, he says, “Have you noticed how exhausting it’s been ever since you moved back in?” The way the question is phrased puts the fault on Blaine in two ways. First, it asks him if he’s noticed that living together has been exhausting, instead of Kurt saying that he, personally, has been struggling. It frames it as an objective truth that Blaine has failed to notice. Secondly, Kurt says, “since you moved back in” putting the struggle to live together on Blaine. He doesn’t say, since we started living together again, or since we moved back in, he says, since you moved back in. This also has undertones that Blaine is an outsider in Kurt’s home. An invading force, rather than a partnership, and it implies that Kurt has made no progress in the weeks or months since season 5 episode 14 and that allowing Blaine to put in the office space was just a surface level change (s5e20). Kurt angrily brings up a fight that they had over him wiping his mouth off with a towel while there was toothpaste on his face. His tone indicates that he thinks that this is a stupid fight over nothing, but Blaine responds, “Well, how is someone else supposed to use it when you leave it like that”. This suggests that this genuinely matters to him, and not that he was picking a fight over nothing, as Kurt seems to think. Moreover, the way Blaine says it is a bit angry, which is a little unusual for him, and could indicate that Kurt often brushes off these things that bother Blaine. Kurt, getting increasingly angry, says that he thinks that they’re failing at living together. Blaine, also getting angry, says “Thank you for finally saying something truthful. Where's that guy been...you’ve been completely aloof and...totally remote and distant. It’s like I don’t even know you anymore”. These lines give a lot of insight into their relationship. As we’ve discussed, when they fight, Kurt tends to get very closed off and withdrawn, something we also see in this scene. Even as Blaine is saying these things, Kurt is withdrawn, not making eye contact, and passive-aggressively nodding. But this line suggests that this is something Kurt does whenever there are any problems. This is also supported by previous fights, see season 5 episode 16, and season 3 episode 20. Kurt doesn’t like talking about relationship problems (or even potential problems like in s3e20), and instead just avoids them, often meaning that Blaine ends up needing to handle it. Blaine continues by saying, “I feel like you’re just silently judging me”. This is the second time Blaine has expressed concerns about Kurt judging him during a fight (the first time was in s5e16), which could speak to his own insecurities, however, the Blaine we see in season 2, was not like this. He had some normal teenage doubts, but this kind of deep-seated insecurity wasn’t present. This has slowly been introduced to Blaine’s character throughout his relationship with Kurt, and although Kurt says he wouldn’t judge Blaine (s5e16), as we discussed, he does. Blaine constantly feeling judged by Kurt even after season 5 episode 16 suggests that Kurt hasn’t actually changed any of his behaviors and is still making comments that make Blaine uncomfortable. Blaine asks if Kurt even wants to marry him, and Kurt blurts out, “Maybe I don’t!” He then withdraws back into himself again, looking away and refusing to answer when Blaine asks him what changed. Since Kurt refuses to speak, Blaine starts to cry and asks Kurt if he did something to cause this. Kurt still doesn’t respond. Blaine says that he loves Kurt and that he knows that they can make it work. Kurt says that he loves Blaine too, but that they’re too young and that they should give up before they hate each other. This exchange, too, shows the differences in how they approach this relationship. Blaine is willing to work on the relationship. He wants to be with Kurt, and he would go to the end of the earth to keep them together. Kurt isn’t willing to do this. He just wants the relationship to function without working for it. And because Blaine is very dependent on the relationship for his confidence and self-esteem, he is generally willing to do much more work to maintain it than Kurt. But because Kurt isn’t willing to discuss problems until after a blow-up, that’s still not enough. Kurt has kept his voice and face empty and cold for most of the fight, and even as Blaine breaks down, he maintains this. Blaine tells Kurt that he’ll never forgive him, and then the flashback ends.

The season 6 break up fight is distinct from the others in that both the show and Kurt himself acknowledge that it was Kurt’s fault. He’s the one who needs to apologize, and this changes the power dynamic too. In all the other fights, in the end, Blaine is the one who apologizes, so Kurt has the power to accept or reject said apology. The texting fight in season 3 is the most similar, but Blaine is framed as unreasonable for being upset during that fight and in the end, he’s the one who ends up apologizing and resolving the issues. But this fight also doesn’t resolve itself immediately. Kurt’s apology doesn’t fix their relationship, and they stay broken up for most of the season. However, their power dynamic doesn’t stay the same for the rest of the season. The first real shift comes in episode 4. Up until this point, Blaine has seemed pretty comfortable in his relationship and Kurt has been chasing Blaine and not seeing anyone else. This changes in episode 4 though, Kurt starts talking to a guy online, Walter, and when he tells Blaine about it, it becomes incredibly clear that Blaine hasn’t gotten over Kurt. His relationship is being sabotaged, so that tether to moving forward is weakened. While Blaine obviously isn’t over Kurt, he is very supportive of Kurt trying to move on and doesn’t say anything bad to Kurt about it. And while his body language and tone indicate that he is sad about Kurt moving on, it’s much more bittersweet than anything. This contrasts with Kurt’s reaction to finding out about Karofsky. He’s been bitter, angry, and up until this episode was undermining their relationship with snide comments. At this point, they’ve leveled out, Kurt is entering a new relationship, and Blaine’s relationship is on shaky ground. Episodes 5 and 6 continue this pattern, as Blaine and Karofsky get rockier and Kurt and Walter get stronger. Kurt now is back above Blaine. He’s moving on, but he’s still available, but Blaine is getting pulled back into Kurt and is in a relationship. Episode 7 is where we see another major change in their relationship. Kurt manipulates the random duet wheel to get Blaine chosen as his duet partner even though he’s kind of dating Walter. Blaine mentions that Dave still thinks that there’s something between Kurt and Blaine. Then, after they sing their duet, they start talking about their relationship, specifically their early relationship in season 2, and Blaine kisses Kurt. Before the kiss, they’re talking about their first duet, way back before they even started dating, which was when Blaine was his happiest and most confident. This brings back false nostalgia for a time when Blaine was both confident and happy with Kurt, a time that never really existed since Kurt started tearing Blaine down right as they start dating. However, memories like this are what is being conjured for Blaine, and in an effort to recapture this, he kisses Kurt. Of course, he has a boyfriend, so immediately afterward he rushes off. Now the power is wholly on Kurt. Blaine has betrayed his new relationship and his feelings. He’s revealed that he’s still in love with Kurt, and now Kurt, just like season 4, has two vying love interests. Kurt has the power to choose, whereas Blaine’s relationship with Karofsky is doomed. More than that, Kurt has actively been pursuing Blaine even through this episode, and he's done the thing he always does where he pushes right up to something without explicitly crossing boundaries until Blaine snaps and acts. In this particular situation, this has flipped the power dynamic so now instead of Kurt having to try and get Blaine to come back to him, Blaine is the one who’s going to try and go back to Kurt. Sure enough, Blaine and Dave break up and Blaine goes to try and get back together with Kurt, but Kurt is going out with Walter. Blaine says nothing, he doesn’t criticize Walter or say anything snarky, he just lets Kurt go, reinforcing that Kurt has the power. In episode 8 we get the reunion. Kurt cuts it off with Walter, but the way he does so is interesting. He says, “I’m going to the wedding with Blaine,” but he hadn’t asked Blaine to get back together with him or go to the wedding with him. He seems so sure that it’ll work out with Blaine, even though he doesn’t seem to know that Blaine and Dave broke up. He shows up at Blaine’s apartment, confesses his love, and asks Blaine to go to the wedding with him. And initially, it may seem like Blaine has the power here, but on deeper inspection, there isn’t any risk here for Kurt, and he knows this. The second Blaine kissed Kurt, it becomes clear that Blaine would go back to him as soon as Kurt would take him. Their interaction here shows this, Kurt does say, “Unless there’s someone else,” but it’s tacked on, a formality (I also think this line shows that he didn’t know about Karofsky), and Blaine immediately responds, “There’s no one else”. He doesn’t even hesitate. When it comes down to it, Kurt is the only person for Blaine. 

But let’s briefly sidebar and talk about how that isn’t true for Kurt, and how that gives him power over Blaine. Kurt doesn’t really care about who Blaine is, he cares how Blaine is making him feel, and if someone else came along that could make him feel that way, he would probably leave. This is a bold claim to make, so let’s look at some evidence. In season 5 episode 1, Kurt talks to Burt about whether he should say yes to Blaine’s proposal. On this car ride, he looks nauseous and wildly uncomfortable. He tells Burt that he isn’t sure if he wants to marry Blaine, and says “[Blaine] makes me feel so connected and so safe and loved, and I don’t think I’m ever going to find someone else who’s going to make me feel like that”. He says he loves Blaine, but that statement also implies that if someone else came along that could do those things, Blaine would lose the thing that makes him valuable to Kurt. Blaine’s proposal speaks to how well he knows Kurt, it’s grand, romantic, and nostalgic. It’s everything that Kurt enjoys, but Kurt seems uncomfortable through most of it. Blaine is relentlessly supportive of Kurt, but Kurt rarely supports Blaine, because what he values in Blaine is what he can do for him. In his wedding vows he talks about how Blaine pushes the shadows away from Kurt so he can shine (s6e8). That’s what’s most important to him. Kurt tries to date Adam, and initially, he seems to really click with him. Adam compliments Kurt a lot (s4e11), and as shown in season 3 episode 17, this is something that Kurt responds to. However, once he realizes that this doesn’t fulfill him in the same way (s4e15), he drops Adam very quickly (s5e1). Every time Blaine looks at Kurt, it’s so clear how in love with Kurt he is, but very rarely do we see this in Kurt. This gives Kurt the ability to mess around and play with Blaine’s feelings, knowing that if he ever wants to come back to Blaine, he’ll be there. Because there’s no one else.

Finishing season 6, Blaine and Kurt decide to get married (well, Blaine makes the call because Kurt refuses to give straight answers to anyone), and we’ve looked at Kurt’s vows, but let’s look at Blaine’s. Blaine says that he didn’t think that he would ever find love (s6e8). This is pretty worrying. Blaine was fifteen when he met Kurt, and he’s only nineteen or twenty now, so this speaks to how deep Blaine’s insecurities run at this point in his life. After the wedding, Blaine and Kurt seem to be in a good place. Their relationship isn’t the focus of the rest of the season, so we don’t see much of them until episode 13, but they seem to be on equal ground. Then in episode 13, we get a powerful insight into the direction their relationship is headed, but it’s actually not the flashforward. Early in the episode, Blaine and Sam have a conversation about Sam coming back to New York. Sam says no, and one of the reasons he cites is that there are too many sports teams and he doesn’t know who to root for. Blaine responds, “We just root for whichever one’s winning,” and Sam says, “Ok, that’s something Kurt would say”. This is already concerning on its own, but Blaine just says, “That’s what happens when you get married”. Football is something that Blaine has always liked. In season 2 episode 7, Blaine mentions that he’s a college football fan, and in that scene, Kurt changes the subject almost immediately. Then, in season 4 episode 10, we see Blaine and Burt bonding over sports. It’s something that he’s always liked, and him starting to have this sucked out of him is concerning. Kurt is slowly taking away Blaine’s interests, controlling him more. Sam even looks worried when Blaine says this. In that same scene, Blaine almost sounds like he’s trying to convince himself that he’s happy, or at least convince Sam that there’s nothing wrong. Finally, we see Blaine and Kurt five years later. They seem happy, but they’re having a baby, and while there’s nothing strictly wrong with that, having a baby as performers in their mid-twenties (24-26) seems like an odd choice. Both of them can’t work 8 shows a week and have a child, so what’s their plan going forward. They’re so young, in New York, there’s no reason for it. To wrap up this section of the analysis, Blaine is introduced as a very confident young man, but Kurt systematically tears Blaine down in order to not only feel superior to Blaine but also to control him. He frequently talks about how important trust is in a relationship, and he weaponizes this against Blaine, constantly telling him how he doesn’t trust him (s4e7, s5e17, s5e20). He lies to Blaine, demeans his feelings and accomplishments, and manipulates him.

Support: Blaine vs. Kurt

Earlier, I presented the claim that Kurt isn’t very supportive of Blaine, especially in comparison to how supportive Blaine is, and how this coupled with the amount Kurt tears Blaine down creates an environment where Kurt has a lot of power and control over Blaine, so here are some examples of this. The first example of Kurt being supportive of Blaine comes in season 2 episode 12. Kurt convinces the Warblers to do the Gap Attack, but when he realizes that he isn’t the guy Blaine has a crush on and it no longer benefits him, he has to be talked into even going by Mercedes and Rachel. As discussed, in season 3 episode 3, Kurt congratulates Blaine on getting Tony, but this is only after discouraging Blaine to audition and being visibly upset when he was asked to read for Tony. In season 3 episode 11, Kurt is pretty good about Blaine’s surgery, however, he doesn’t even consult Blaine or his family when he gets direct evidence of Sebastian committing a felony, just hands the evidence over to Sebastian. In season 3 episode 15, Kurt gives Blaine advice on talking to Cooper, but this is after he spent the entire episode fawning over him when it clearly made Blaine uncomfortable. In season 3 episode 19, Kurt tells Blaine not to put hair gel back in after Brittney forces him to take it out at prom. However, this comes after Kurt mocked Blaine’s insecurities and laughed at him when he showed up to prom with his hair out. We see little to no examples of Kurt being supportive after he leaves for New York. The next time we see Kurt being supportive of Blaine comes in season 5 episode 6. Blaine is freaking out about auditioning for NYADA, and Kurt is very gentle and calming. However, this isn’t wholly unselfish. Kurt wants Blaine to come to New York, to go to the same school as him, it’s season 3 episode 1 all over again. He even pressured Blaine to sing at the diner when he looked visibly uncomfortable with it in the name of support. We also see him celebrating Blaine getting into NYADA in episode 12, but this is the bare minimum of support. He is cautiously supportive of Blaine getting picked up by June, but this is also selfish. He talks multiple times about how this will benefit his career (s5e18), and him eventually telling Blaine to do the showcase even without him is, again, the absolute bare minimum (s5e20). However, there are a few times where Kurt was genuinely supportive of Blaine without an ulterior motive. The first example of this is in season 2 episode 20. Kurt asks Blaine to prom, but Blaine tells Kurt that he was bullied at a Sadie Hawking’s dance before he transferred to Dalton. Kurt is immediately sympathetic and encourages him to stand up to the bullies while saying that if Blaine is uncomfortable with going, they won’t. And in season 6 episode 10 when Dalton burns down, he’s very good about handling it, but it’s saying something that those two are the only strong examples of Kurt being genuinely supportive, speaks volumes. (There are also three times in the show where Blaine tells Kurt that he loves him and Kurt either doesn’t say it back or hangs up before he even hears Blaine, once in season 4 episode 4 (5:25), once in season 5 episode 9 (12:50), and again in season 5 episode 19 (33:20), and it just bothers me a little.)

Let’s compare this to Blaine. In season 2, Blaine helps Kurt around Dalton (s2e6), helps Kurt with Karofsky (s2e6), laughs at Kurt’s jokes when no one else does (s2e9), helps Kurt adjust to the Warblers (s2e9), helps him with Pavarotti (s2e9), convinces Burt to give Kurt the sex talk (s2e15), gets Kurt a duet for Regionals and making it something that’s in Kurt’s wheelhouse (s2e16), giving Kurt a pep talk before he goes on stage (s2e16), goes to prom with Kurt despite his past trauma (s2e20), helps Kurt calm down after he’s elected prom queen (s2e20), and dances with Kurt after Karofsky runs out (s2e20). In season 3, Blaine transfers to WMHS for Kurt (s3e1), is very supportive of Kurt when he loses the student council election and tells him not to give up on NYADA (s3e7), pushes Kurt out of the way, and takes Sebastian’s Slushee (s3e11), congratulates Kurt on his NYADA audition even when he’s about to get surgery (s3e11), and is very supportive of Kurt through his panic about his audition (s3e18). In season 4, Blaine tells Kurt that New York is where he belongs and encourages him to leave (s4e1), supports Kurt’s music video even though Kurt is being wildly unsupportive of him throughout it (s4e4), and assures Kurt that he’ll always be there for him even if they aren’t together (s4e10). In season 5, Blaine agrees to fly out to NYC in the middle of the school week with only a few days notice (s5e7), gives Kurt advice on Elliot when Kurt is being paranoid (s5e9), stays with Kurt in the hospital when he gets attacked (s5e15), is very happy for Kurt when he reveals he got picked for June’s show even before Kurt offered him a part (s5e18), chooses to go to Kurt’s nursing home performance over a big opportunity with June (s5e19), and inviting Kurt to perform with him at June’s show even though it could cost him the partnership (s5e20). In season 6, Blaine does all the wedding planning (s6e1), never says a bad word about Kurt dating other people when Kurt was antagonistic and cruel about him dating Karofsky (s6e4, s6e7), and pushes the glitter bomb box out of Kurt’s hands, physically protecting him again (s6e11). This is just the shortlist, and very few of them are selfishly motivated at all. In fact, many of them actively go against his own interests and involve giving up opportunities. This dichotomy is a prime example of what reinforces Kurt’s power over Blaine. Blaine is willing to give up everything for Kurt and gives him everything he has, but Kurt not only won’t do the same in return but exploits Blaine’s generosity. 

Cheating and Double Standards

So, let’s talk about cheating, romantic jealousy, and the double standard of their relationship. Kurt is immediately possessive of Blaine, even before they start dating. He puts a picture of Blaine in his locker within a week of meeting him (s2e6). In season 2 episode 12, Blaine reveals that he has a crush on another guy, and Kurt, who had constructed a relationship with Blaine in his head, gets very upset. Despite being all too willing to help Blaine when he thought it was about him, he needs to be talked into even going by Mercedes and Rachel. Then, in season 2 episode 14, Kurt gets extremely jealous about Rachel and Blaine kissing and going on a date even though they’re not dating yet. In season 3 episode 5, Blaine meets Sebastian Smythe for the first time. Immediately, Sebastian hits on Blaine very aggressively, but it clearly makes Blaine extremely uncomfortable. Blaine agrees to go to The Lima Bean with Sebastian, and Sebastian continues to hit on Blaine, even more overtly this time. Blaine looks even more uncomfortable and quickly and forcefully shuts Sebastian down multiple times, talking about his boyfriend and how much he loves him. Despite Blaine being in the middle of shutting Sebastian down as Kurt shows up, Kurt is immediately very jealous and possessive. Sebastian suggests that they all go out to the local gay bar, and while Blaine seems interested, he turns it down because he knows Kurt isn’t. Kurt agrees to go but to rival Sebastian, not because Blaine wants to go. Then when they do go out, Kurt decides to spend the night moping at the bar instead of dancing with Blaine. However, Blaine keeps looking over at him, clearly wanting him to come dance with them. He’s not dancing inappropriately with Sebastian, he’s just trying to have fun, and Kurt’s being weird for no reason. He’s really happy when Kurt comes to dance with them, and there’s obviously nothing insidious going on. However, when Kurt and Blaine are fighting and Kurt is bringing up mostly good points, he also throws in that Blaine spent half the night dancing with another guy, which again, was not Blaine’s fault. Then, Blaine has to swear to Kurt that Sebastian doesn’t mean anything to him when he’s been shutting down his advances the whole episode and is clearly not interested. It seems like Kurt believes that Blaine doesn’t have feelings for Sebastian, but he acts exceptionally jealous every time Sebastian shows up, and Kurt talks about him so often that Blaine yells at Kurt to stop bringing him up in season 3 episode 14. 

In season 3 episode 17, we have the first cheating scandal. Kurt needs music for his NYADA audition, and he tells Blaine this and asks him to go to the music store, Between the Sheets with him. Blaine seems upset and says he can’t. Kurt doesn’t ask him why he can’t go or why he’s upset, just decides to go on his own. At Between the Sheets, Kurt meets a guy, Chandler. Chandler is very complimentary towards Kurt immediately, which Kurt responds very positively to. Then, as he’s leaving, Chandler’s comments turn flirtatious and he asks for Kurt’s phone number. Despite it being very clear that Chandler is hitting on him, Kurt gives him his number and doesn’t mention that he has a boyfriend. Kurt starts texting regularly with Chandler. The texts are very flirty, and although Kurt initially doesn’t seem to see anything wrong with it, once Rachel calls him out, he does seem to realize that it isn’t innocent. He says that Blaine hasn’t been complimenting him or trying to have sex with him recently, but he hasn’t spoken to Blaine about it. He texts with Chandler while ignoring Blaine, who is visibly upset, during Rachel and Santana’s duet. Later in the episode, Blaine ends up reading the text messages between Chandler and Kurt. He’s very upset and says that it’s cheating. Kurt denies that it’s cheating and compares it to Blaine talking to Sebastian. Blaine denies this, saying that he didn’t have feelings for Sebastian, and Kurt has feelings for this guy. I agree with Blaine in this situation. He didn’t have feelings for Sebastian and made it clear that it made him uncomfortable when Sebastian hit on him. Kurt does have feelings for Chandler, he was reciprocating the flirting, it’s a different situation, and Kurt is in the wrong. Moreover, considering that Kurt has been ignoring Blaine in favor of Chandler, I do think it’s reasonable to consider this cheating. It’s also notable that sex is not, and never has been, the most important thing to Kurt in a relationship. It’s important in the same way it would be to most teenage boys, but it isn’t how he primarily displays intimacy, so Kurt not having sex with this guy doesn’t mean that he’s not pursuing him. However, Kurt continues to deny that he did anything wrong. He justifies it by saying that Blaine never compliments him. He then says that it’s hard to be Blaine’s boyfriend because everyone wants to be with him. Blaine says that Kurt should have talked to him about it, but Kurt ignores this and continues to dismiss Blaine’s concerns. He doesn’t apologize, he only says that he’s sorry if it made Blaine feel uncomfortable. He tries to dismiss Blaine’s feelings again by saying “it’s ok”, and Blaine storms out. They sing some dramatic songs at each other, Kurt denies that what he did was cheating yet again. Kurt brings Blaine to talk to Emma. Blaine is very upset and vents about a lot of issues he has with Kurt being rude and not respecting boundaries, and then he reveals that he actually is more upset about Kurt preparing to leave for New York than anything else. He’s upset that Kurt keeps talking about it in every conversation because he feels like Kurt’s running away from him and is going to abandon him (which will prove very prescient). Kurt promises that he’ll never do that and Blaine shouldn’t worry. Kurt never admits that what he did was wrong, but at the end of the episode, he says that he told Chandler to stop texting him. Unlike Kurt with Sebastian, Blaine never mentions Chandler again (unless you count that one line from Tina’s body-swapping dream thing, but that’s not real, so I choose to believe that Tina is just outraged in Blaine’s honor), and seems to not only have moved on but forgiven him as well. 

Let’s move on to the next significant cheating incident, season 4 episode 4. Kurt has been ignoring Blaine since he got to New York. In the previous episode, he ignored a call from Blaine on a night he knew was important to him, the night of the senior class president election,  to chat with his coworkers about nonwork-related things (s4e3). and early in the episode, Blaine and Brittney have a conversation about how hard it is for them now that it seems like Kurt and Santana are too busy for them. Kurt calls Blaine (in the middle of the school day), but he immediately has to go. He says that the phones won’t stop ringing at work, Blaine is understanding and tells Kurt he can call him back later. Kurt says he can’t because he’s working until midnight. Kurt says that he understands that it’s frustrating, but this could be a career for him. Blaine says that he understands and then attempts to communicate about the issues he’s having and what he’s feeling. He says that he really misses Kurt, and says “I miss talking to you, and I miss hugging you, and I miss messing around with you,” confirming that they’ve barely interacted in a while. Kurt says, “But you’re coming in two weeks, right?” as if it’s ok for them not to talk for weeks. Two weeks is a long time, especially because when they were first discussing this in season 3, Kurt assured Blaine that he would Skype him every day and that they would see each other every weekend (although even then, he says that Blaine will come and visit him, and never offers to visit Blaine in Lima) (s3e17) and then Kurt had put off practical conversations about doing long distance in favor of flowery language and empty promises even when Blaine actively tried to initiate conversations about it (s3e22). Kurt has broken his word to Blaine and isn’t being a good partner. Blaine expresses that he doesn’t know how he’s going to handle waiting two weeks, seeming genuinely worried and upset, but Kurt doesn’t even acknowledge this. He says that someone is calling with good gossip and that he has to go. He says he’ll call or text Blaine on a break and hangs up without another word, not even waiting long enough to hear Blaine say “I love you” to him. This deeply hurts Blaine, and throughout Barely Breathing we see him calling Kurt, feeling lonely, and then talking to another guy on Facebook. Blaine shows up at Kurt’s apartment on Friday night, which means he would have had to leave straight from school, and since he seems to only decided to go the night before at the earliest, it would have been wildly expensive. Throughout his time in New York, Blaine is clearly upset, and to his credit, Kurt does ask him about it several times, and Blaine eventually admits that he cheated on Kurt. Kurt’s first reaction is to say, “It was Sebastian, wasn’t it?” really nailing home that he still hasn’t forgotten about that, and that he already didn’t really trust Blaine. Blaine says it wasn’t and tries to explain to Kurt that it didn’t mean anything. Kurt asks who it was again. This upsets Blaine further, and he says “It doesn’t matter who it was with, Kurt, what matters is that I was by myself. I needed you. I needed you around, and you weren’t there.” That is the crux of the issue. Kurt has been ignoring Blaine, and both of the times we see him do this are explicitly for gossip, not essential work reasons. It’s implied, though, that he’s been doing this a lot, and if the only two times the audience is shown this are both inessential reasons, it can be extrapolated that these aren’t isolated (s4e3, s4e4). Blaine has tried to raise his concerns, but at every step of the way, Kurt shut him down, brushed him off, and refused to talk about it (s3e17, s3e22, s4e3, s4e4). Kurt has been a bad boyfriend, and unlike season 3 episode 17, Blaine actually tried to reach out to talk about it before he cheated, whereas Kurt didn’t. Blaine says that he was lonely and made a mistake, but that he’s really sorry. Kurt says he’s been feeling the same way, but he didn’t act on it because he knew how awful it was. While this is totally fair, it’s important to note that Kurt has a whole exciting new life and career in New York. He has a lot to look forward to and to keep him busy and distracted, and Blaine’s been supporting him in this (s4e3). However, Blaine is in Lima, there’s very little going on, and even being at McKinley is a constant reminder of Kurt and his absence. The few things in his life that were exciting for him were belittled, demeaned, and overshadowed by Kurt (s4e3). Blaine felt Kurt pulling away because of his new life, something he had been terrified of might happen (s3e17). Kurt knew that this was an insecurity of Blaine’s, and yet he doesn’t put any effort into assuaging his fears. Blaine shouldn’t have cheated, I’m certainly not saying it was justified, but Kurt contributed significantly to the problems in the relationship that led to this action, and that shouldn’t be overlooked. Blaine apologizes again, but Kurt rushes off. On what presumably is the next Monday, since the breakup happened on a Friday so there wouldn’t have been school the next day, Finn is back in Lima and he talks to Blaine. Blaine says that he doesn’t know why he cheated on Kurt, but now Kurt won’t talk to him and he doesn’t even know if they’re broken up, despite, again, three days passing. We see Kurt at work. He seems upset, but also says that he’ll be ok. 

We see Blaine continue to beat himself up for a large amount of season 4, all the way through episode 11, where he starts to move on. In episode 7, Blaine is torturing himself about cheating. He almost leaves WMHS, but Sam talks to him about it. He affirms that it was a one night stand, that he felt nothing, and that he immediately regretted it. Kurt is upset for a while, but he refuses to take any responsibility. He also talks about how he doesn’t want to forgive Blaine because he wants him to feel bad, and only decides to accept Blaine’s apology for himself (s4e8). He calls Blaine right before Blaine is about to perform after ghosting him for weeks, but only to remind Blaine that he doesn’t forgive him and to lie to him about coming back to Lima for Christmas (s4e8). Kurt isn’t required to forgive Blaine, but he keeps holding it over Blaine’s head, reminding him of what he’s lost while he’s struggling, and given that he previously said that he wanted Blaine to suffer, it colors it slightly. On Christmas, Kurt decides not to go back to Lima for Christmas despite promising Blaine, and when Blaine comes to New York, he feels the need to ask, “You are happy to see me, right?” despite Kurt having said previously that he wanted to see Blaine for Christmas. Both Kurt and Blaine start to move on in season 4 episode 11, and although Blaine’s crush on Sam is real, he’s still very clearly in love with Kurt. Kurt is trying much harder to move on, and his relationship with Adam seems to have the potential to become more serious. He’s already pretty close with Adam in season 4 episode 13, and it seems like Adam is very interested in Kurt. 

The next major turn of events comes in season 4 episode 14. At Will and Emma’s wedding, Blaine and Kurt are making out, and Kurt mentions that he shouldn’t be doing this because he’s kind of dating someone in New York. Blaine, somewhat desperately, assures him that it’s ok because he’s not in New York and it’s not exclusive. Kurt agrees but clarifies that this doesn’t mean that they’re back together. Blaine agrees, saying it’s just “bros helping bros”, but clearly he doesn’t actually feel that way. He’s still in love with Kurt, while Kurt is starting to move on. Kurt spends the entire reception flirting with Blaine while saying that he doesn’t want to get back together, and that would be fine if Blaine was in the same place as Kurt. But he isn’t. Blaine is just trying to claw his way out of the darkest place he’s ever been in, and he’s using Kurt to do this, but this isn’t healthy. He’s been conditioned to feel like he needs Kurt to feel worthy, and this is only reinforcing this. Kurt is also weirdly jealous when he finds out about the Tina situation for someone who isn’t interested in Blaine. Also, Tina makes fantastic points in that argument. Kurt and Blaine hook up, and Kurt, again, reiterates that they’re not getting back together, but Blaine isn’t in a place to see them having sex as casual and insignificant. He is viewing it as more, and Kurt is the older, more mature one, and he knows how Blaine feels. He is leading Blaine on by playing into it. Having sex, going on dates, he’s not letting Blaine move on like he is. 

Speaking of Kurt moving on, let’s talk about Adam. Adam deserved better, even after that horrendous Baby Got Back performance. Adam genuinely likes Kurt. Immediately, he seems to care very deeply for Kurt and is very supportive and complimentary of him (s4e11, s4e13). However, this isn’t enough for Kurt. He still feels the need to have Blaine there for him too, so he sleeps with him despite kind of dating Adam (s4e14). Then in season 4 episode 15, Santana asks Kurt about him sleeping with Blaine at the wedding in front of Adam, and Kurt shushes her, trying to hide it from Adam as if he’s aware that he probably shouldn’t have done it. It probably wasn’t cheating in the strictest sense, but Adam does seem upset, although whether it’s by Kurt sleeping with Blaine or Kurt trying to hide it is unclear. They watch Moulin Rouge, and Kurt imagines himself singing Come What May with Blaine. He starts crying and Adam asks him about it. He lies to Adam’s face, lies to him about wearing contacts, tries to convince Rachel to go along with it, and would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for Santana. Santana calls him out, asking him if he’s crying because he used to say that he wanted to sing that duet with Blaine at their wedding. Kurt tries to shut it down, but Santana is unbothered and continues, saying she once heard Kurt say that singing that song was “a more intimate act than sex”. Adam looks a little confused and upset but doesn’t say anything. Kurt tries to leave, and Santana changes the subject. This comment from Santana confirms that Kurt is first and foremost a romantic, and that sex is not the most important thing to him. Later, after the storm is over, Adam talks to Kurt about Santana’s comment. He asks Kurt if he used to sing that song with Blaine, and Kurt says yes, but tries to minimize it. Adam asks if Kurt still loves Blaine. He doesn’t respond. Then Adam asks if he was Kurt’s rebound, saying that he can’t compete with a fantasy. Kurt says no and that he “desperately” wants to be over Blaine. Adam says that they’re going to go watch a sappy romantic movie to be their movie and to try and help Kurt move on. In season 5 episode 1, Blaine asks Kurt what the deal is with Adam, and Kurt claims that it never got serious, but the last time we saw Adam, it seemed like they were headed in that direction. Kurt mentions that he’s still seeing Adam in season 4 episode 17, and Sam mentions that Blaine didn’t know where Kurt and Adam stood in season 4 episode 22. We never see any indication that their relationship stopped, but Kurt agrees to start dating Blaine again, and then he’s dating Kurt for days before Blaine proposes, but as we find out in season 5 episode 4, Adam kicked Kurt out of the Adam’s Apples when he found out Kurt was engaged, which implies that Kurt didn’t officially break things off with Adam until after he got engaged. This only reinforces that Kurt hates committing to breakups. He always wants to keep his options open in case he needs a backup plan. Adam is a little weird, but he’s so sweet. He’s trying so hard to help Kurt even when Kurt is lying to him and lowkey playing him. There are a lot of reflections of how Kurt treats Blaine in how he treats Adam too. None of Kurt’s toxic behaviors are isolated, and none of the people in his life deserve to be treated the way he treats them. 

I’ve already heavily analyzed the scene in season 5 episode 1 when Kurt and Blaine get back together, but I do want to briefly reiterate something before moving on. Kurt, despite knowing that he’s going to forgive Blaine, holds the cheating over Blaine, but he eventually does say he forgives Blaine, and that they can put it behind them. However, he doesn’t do this. In season 5 episode 7, Blaine has a complete mental breakdown. The New Directions weren’t listening to Blaine’s ideas, and he called Kurt looking for support, instead, Kurt calls Blaine a puppet master and then asks Blaine for support and to come to New York, which, of course, Blaine agrees to. However, Kurt insulting Blaine along with a gas leak in the choir room leads to Blaine’s downward spiral. He starts hallucinating puppets and then decides to make a puppet version of Kurt. Here’s where we get evidence that Blaine is very aware that Kurt hasn’t actually forgiven Blaine for cheating. He has his puppet say that he’s forgiven Blaine. Personally, I think this is quite sad, and we see Blaine’s insecurities and struggles with control highlighted in this episode. Then, in season 5 episode 16, there’s confirmation that Kurt is still holding it over Blaine’s head and hasn’t forgiven him. Kurt could have easily talked about getting tested, or even the last time he got tested, without bringing up Eli. It was unnecessary, and as I stated earlier, the way Blaine reacts implies that Kurt brings this up frequently. It’s controlling and cruel, and he’s not even criticized for it, by his friends or by the tone of the show itself. And this is something that only Kurt does. Rarely do the other characters in the show bring up cheating out of nowhere, and as mentioned, Blaine has never brought up Chandler since season 3 episode 17. In this episode, Kurt also gets incredibly jealous and controlling of Blaine watching porn, even though that’s none of his business, and if he was worried about their sex lives should have talked to Blaine about it. 

Let’s talk about Karofsky because the way Kurt reacts to him is fascinating. In season 6 episode 1, Kurt had broken up with Blaine out of nowhere months ago, but he comes back to Lima with the express purpose to get back together with Blaine. However, upon meeting with Blaine, he reveals that he’s actually seeing someone, and Kurt’s first thought is that it’s Sebastian, which drives home that Kurt never got over the Sebastian thing, even though nothing happened between them, and he had no reason to think that anything ever would. Karofsky shows up and Kurt does not react well to this. He manages to not say anything against him explicitly, but his tone is mocking and sarcastic, and he leaves quickly to go cry in the bathroom. Initially, Blaine and Dave seem very happy, honestly, and this seems to upset Kurt (s6e1, s6e2, s6e3). Kurt is very passive-aggressive and jealous whenever he sees Dave and Blaine together, to the point where Blaine has to ask whether they need to come up with alternating sheet music schedules (s6e3). Kurt also refuses to admit that Blaine has moved on, pretending that they’re on a break until Britt calls him out about it and tells him that Blaine and Dave are moving in together (s6e3). He gets very bitter every time Blaine tries to talk about his boyfriend (s6e5). Then, Kurt begins to move on, but he still decides to cheat in order to get Blaine chosen to sing a duet with, undermining Blaine and Dave’s relationship. And when Blaine implies that Dave might not be fully comfortable with Blaine and Kurt singing together, Kurt implies that Dave’s paranoid and crazy, because nothing is going on, even though he is trying to undermine them and something is going on (s6e7). Kurt then manipulates Blaine’s feelings, pivoting the conversation away from Karofsky and to the past and pretending that he forgot their first duet, and then acts all surprised when Blaine kisses him like he hasn’t been trying to undermine Blaine’s relationship for weeks (s6e7). Then, knowing that Blaine still had feelings for him, he suddenly decides to stop pursuing Blaine right as Blaine breaks up with Dave (s6e7). And then Kurt does decide to go back to Blaine without knowing that he broke up with Dave, and just assumes it’ll work out (s6e8). Kurt does do everything in his power to get Blaine to break up with Dave without actually saying so. He’s highly manipulative, and he prevented Blaine from continuing a relationship that was really good for him. And for the record, no, I don’t think that Blaine and Dave would have made it long term, and their relationship is a little weird. Mostly, I don’t think it would have worked out because Dave would have reminded Blaine too much of Kurt, but they seemed to have a fairly healthy relationship, and I do think that if Kurt had let Blaine be, he could have moved on on his own time. I think Kurt interrupting this journey impacted Blaine in a very significant way and made him even more dependent on Kurt than he already was. However, Kurt is one of the main characters, so the show frames him pursuing Blaine as an epic love story, convincing the audience to root for Kurt. 

Now that we’ve unpacked Kurt’s jealousy, let’s analyze Blaine’s jealousy, and how it’s framed vs. Kurt’s jealousy. Blaine does struggle with jealousy as well, but it is not the same as Kurt’s, and the show treats it in a very different way. Blaine is jealous of Chandler, but he has a right to be. Kurt is interested in him, and they were actively flirting. However, he’s framed as being unreasonable. The show and Kurt say that he’s overreacting, and in the end, it turns out that he’s not actually upset about Chandler, even though he had a right to be, and he forgives Kurt. But Blaine isn’t generally very jealous, so the next major event is in season 5 episodes 9 and 14. Kurt takes a picture with Elliott, and Elliott kisses him on the cheek in the picture. Blaine seems a little worried by the photo but doesn’t say anything until episode 14. Kurt is lashing out at Blaine because he feels smothered in their relationship and he mentions Elliott. Blaine snaps at Kurt jealously, and Kurt calls him a psycho. This is another example of the double standard when it comes to jealousy. Kurt is justified in being jealous of Sebastian for years when nothing happened, but Blaine gets a little jealous of Elliott after Kurt starts pulling away again, and he’s crazy and unreasonable. This is not only on Kurt as a character but also on the show. They both present Kurt as someone who can do no wrong, and Blaine as a terrible person the second he makes a minor mistake. Blaine leaves and goes to Elliott’s apartment. He yells at Elliott, but Elliott calms Blaine down and handles the situation very well. Blaine goes back to the loft and apologizes for his jealousy, something Kurt never does about any of the people he gets jealous of. Then, in season 5 episode 16, Kurt is getting ogled and hit on by several guys in his stage combat class, and Blaine feels uncomfortable with this. He doesn’t feel comfortable with Kurt being viewed as a sexual object. Both Kurt and the show frame Blaine as being unreasonable for this, however, in season 3 episode 17, Kurt expresses a similar discomfort. He calls Blaine an “alpha gay” and says that “even Rachel wanted to make out with [Blaine]”. Moreover, Blaine’s jealousy is not unfounded. The guy who is primarily hitting on Kurt is complimenting him heavily, something that Blaine knows from experience is something that Kurt responds to in the early stages of a relationship (s3e17, s4e11), and has caused Kurt to cheat in the past (s3e17). Kurt is also doing nothing to shut this guy down, despite him obviously flirting, which contrasts with how vigorously Blaine shut down Sebastian (s3e5). This continues throughout the episode, and Kurt never makes any moves to shut him down or assuage Blaine’s fears. In the end, as always, Blaine is the one forced to apologize. Finally, in season 6 we are introduced to Walter. When Kurt first mentions that he’s going on a date with Walter in episode 4, Blaine is clearly a little upset by it, but he is very supportive, and he’s dating Dave anyway, so he’s very good about it. Then in episode 7, Blaine comes to McKinley after breaking up with Dave to confess his feelings to Kurt, and Kurt is going out with Walter. Despite Walter being older than time, Blaine doesn’t say a single bad word against him and lets Kurt go. These two interactions contrast boldly with all of Kurt’s reactions to Karofsky. He is jealous, but he doesn’t take it out on Kurt’s budding relationship. The double standard of how cheating and jealousy are treated between them is completely unfair. Blaine has transgressed before, but so has Kurt, and that being brushed under the rug isn’t fair. In addition, the way Blaine is blamed for Sebastian flirting with him vs. the guy in Blaine’s combat class flirting with Kurt being forgotten almost immediately is the clearest example of this double standard that pervades their relationship and how it’s portrayed. 

Blaine’s Relationship Missteps

Now, of course, Blaine isn’t perfect, and in the spirit of fairness, let’s look at all the times Blaine exhibited similar behaviors to the ones I’ve listed for Kurt. In season 2 episode 20, Blaine is initially nervous about Kurt’s prom outfit. He agrees with Burt that it’s provocative, and he’s worried about Kurt getting attacked or harassed at prom, which makes sense given his past experiences and what he’d seen Kurt go through that year. Of course, he should have been more supportive, but he comes around regardless. Throughout season 3, Blaine maintains an interesting relationship with Sebastian, and as we’ve discussed, I don’t think this was strictly wrong, but it did make Kurt uncomfortable, and potentially he could have been more responsive to this. But I’m not convinced by this one. In season 3 episode 5, Blaine pressures Kurt to have sex before he’s ready, reneging on a conversation they had had but a few days ago. The pressures of the musical and Sebastian are bearing down on him, and he definitely acts inappropriately. I’m not going to try and defend this one, that scene makes me very uncomfortable. Although I do think that Kurt’s jealousy was unfounded. In season 4 episode 4, Blaine cheats on Kurt, as discussed, this is wrong. He shouldn’t have done it, however, he did attempt to talk to Kurt about it, and Kurt shouldn’t have ignored and overshadowed Blaine. It doesn’t justify what he did, but it does contextualize it. In season 5 episode 14, Blaine gets very jealous of Elliott. This is unfounded and irrational, and he’s taking out his lack of control and confusion on Elliott. It’s a lot like the Sebastian situation, he has no reason to think anything is going on. This is different from season 5 episode 16, where Blaine is uncomfortable with other men hitting on Kurt. While I still think that this isn’t right, Kurt has given Blaine reason to think that this might be a problem in the past. The last time a guy complimented Kurt, he started a whole thing with him. It’s understandable why Blaine would be a little insecure. In season 6 episode 2, Blaine accuses Kurt of stealing Jane because he’s upset about Blaine and Dave dating, and while this is definitely paranoid, Kurt was upset about Dave, and Rachel and Kurt are not above poaching to get ahead. Finally, in season 6 episode 7, Blaine kisses Kurt while still dating Dave. This is also bad, but as discussed earlier, Kurt fostered the environment that led to this incident. I don’t think that any of these things should be dismissed, but I also don’t think that this is convincing evidence that Blaine is particularly toxic. Most of these seem like mistakes that could happen in a tumultuous relationship, and the fact that there are so few items on this list comparatively is significant. 

Warped Ideas of Romance

Blaine also develops a very warped sense of romance and healthy relationship milestones over the course of the show, and I blame Kurt. Kurt has always been a romantic, and he instills into Blaine very early on in their relationship. He likes big grand gestures, and we see Blaine do that for Kurt many times, mostly through big songs. It became the primary way he communicated with Kurt. Blaine admits early on that not only has he never had a boyfriend before but that he feels like he doesn’t know what he’s doing at all when it comes to romance (s2e12). To be fair, Kurt is in a similar situation, but Kurt is older, and their relationship is dominated by Kurt all too often. This doesn’t become a problem until later on, though. It first rears its head in season 4 episode 21, when Blaine tells Burt that he wants to propose to Kurt and asks for his permission to do so, despite them not being together. Blaine mentions in that conversation that he knows that if he wants to get Kurt back, he has to do something big. In fact, Blaine almost proposes in that very episode. Then, in episode 22, he buys an engagement ring despite all of his friends protesting with very logical arguments and almost proposes again. In season 5 episode 1, they get back together, and Blaine tells everyone that he needs to make the proposal even bigger and more dramatic now that he’s back together with Kurt. They have only been together for a few days, but at least this is a little better than proposing when you’ve been broken up for months. And Kurt says yes anyway. This idea pervades their whole relationship, but it doesn’t come back in a big way until season 6 episode 8 (although he does seem to move in with Dave pretty early in their relationship (s6e3). They couldn’t have been together for more than a few months, because the end of season 5 is the summer, and the beginning of season 6 is right at the beginning of the school year). Tina asks Blaine, Artie, and Puck whether she should propose to Mike at Santana and Brittany’s wedding, even though they aren’t together and haven’t even seen each other in person for a long time. Blaine’s first response is that he thinks it’s romantic when it’s clearly insane. Then when Brittany and Sue ask him and Kurt to get married, Blaine says yes. He is the one who decides it because Kurt refuses to give a straight answer to anyone ever. But to be fair, I wouldn’t want to get married in that suit either, it’s bad. They also have a baby super young for performers in New York (s6e13). Blaine doesn’t know what a healthy relationship looks like, and it’s very worrying. 

Communication

Next, let’s discuss how bad they are at communication, especially Kurt. Not only is Kurt bad at communication, but he actively shuts it down so often. As mentioned, Blaine is new to relationships, and he is actively taught that the best way to communicate with Kurt is by singing. Kurt doesn’t respond to conversation, he always shuts it down and only responds to Blaine’s concerns when he sings. For example, in season 5 episode 20, Blaine sings All of Me to tell Kurt that he lied about Kurt being in June’s show. When Kurt gets angry about it, Blaine explains that he had no idea how to tell Kurt about the show without lying, and then he didn’t know how to tell Kurt about the lie, because he was scared of hurting Kurt. This is also not the first time that Blaine has been so afraid of Kurt that he’s felt the need to lie to him. In season 5 episode 7, Blaine gets detention and is unable to attend Kurt’s first Pamela Landsbury gig or risk suspension. He doesn’t know to break the news to Kurt for fear of hurting Kurt’s feelings and doesn’t call Kurt to let him know that he can’t make it, and waits until Kurt calls him right before the performance to tell him. Now, this is obviously bad, but it shows how Blaine doesn’t know how to talk to Kurt and how he’s always walking on eggshells around him. There are too many examples of Kurt shutting down Blaine when he tries to communicate openly, so let’s look at them. With graduation coming up, Blaine tries to talk to Kurt about doing long distance, and Kurt says that he wants to be in denial for a few more days. Blaine tries again to talk about it, but Kurt shuts him down again with flowery words and empty promises (s3e22). When Kurt is in New York, he starts ignoring Blaine, and when Blaine reaches out, Kurt shuts it down and does nothing to change (s4e4). In season 5 episode 14, Blaine openly asks Kurt if he’s crowding him, and even though he is, Kurt lies to Blaine about it. Then, in season 5 episode 16, Blaine tries to clear the air about the fight over the porn, and Kurt shuts it down, saying that they talk too much, when really they don’t talk at all. This is a pattern of behavior for Kurt, and it shouldn’t be. Kurt never asks Blaine when something is wrong, even if he can tell he’s upset (s3e17, s5e14, s5e16), and their relationship has to be pushed to the breaking point before Kurt puts any work in (s3e17, s5e14, s5e16, s6e1). Except when Blaine sings. In season 4 episode 4 and season 5 episode 20, Kurt asks Blaine what is wrong, but only because Blaine sang about it. Even though he is aware when Blaine is insecure or having issues, he only directly talks to Blaine about it when he sings it. This is not healthy. It encourages Blaine to withdraw and not try to keep communication open, which is already something Blaine struggles with (s3e17, s5e16). Kurt doesn’t want to communicate, and Blaine doesn’t know how to reach him. It’s dangerous and worrying. 

Kurt’s Toxicity Outside His Relationship with Blaine

Now, the reason I think that the toxicity is mostly Kurt’s fault and not just a bad relationship that brings out the worst in both of them is that he acts in similar ways in his relationships with other people as well. For example, in season 1, Kurt is very predatory towards Finn. He spends much of the season hitting on him (s1e10), trying to get their parents together so they can live together (s1e16), and trying to sabotage Finn’s relationships (s1e10, s1e11). Like in his relationship with Blaine, he pushes Finn, not taking no for an answer, until Finn snaps and uses the f-slur (s1e20). Obviously, Finn shouldn’t have said that, but the actions Kurt took to drive him to that point can’t be dismissed out of hand. However, as in his arguments with Blaine, Kurt refuses to take any responsibility, playing the victim card even when Finn and Burt call him out for not understanding that no means no (s2e4, s2e14). He also exhibits jealous and possessive behaviors around Burt. When Burt starts getting closer to Finn, Kurt is unreasonably upset by it. Despite Burt being completely supportive of him, he thinks that his sexuality is the reason Burt is inviting Finn to go to sports games and not that Kurt notoriously hates sports (s1e16). In season 2, Kurt accuses Mr. Shue and Burt of being homophobic when they don’t let him do things he wants (s2e6, s2e14). He implies that Will is homophobic when he won’t let Kurt sing on the girls’ team during the season 2 girls vs. boys mash-up competition (s2e6). Then, in episode 14, Burt tells Kurt that he doesn’t want Kurt having boys sleep over in his bed, Kurt accuses Burt of being homophobic. Burt says that it’s not about that because he wouldn’t let Finn have girls sleep over in his room, but Kurt persists, asking him if that would make him uncomfortable, even though Burt had been nothing but supportive of Kurt since he came out (s2e14). When Burt has cancer and Kurt comes back to Lima in season 4 episode 22, he starts lashing out at people. First, he lashes out at Mike for bringing up the Tina Vaporape situation, and then he yells at Burt at his own doctor’s appointment for wearing a navy shirt. In season 6, Kurt gets very controlling about the glee club even though Rachel was the one who brought the club back. He fights Rachel on how to organize the sheet music (even though Rachel’s method makes more sense and his is wildly subjective) (s6e2) and what the lessons are/how to present them (s6e3). He also interrupted Santana’s proposal and was unnecessarily harsh when critiquing Mason and Jane’s performance because he’s upset about Blaine (s6e3). To list some smaller instances, Kurt also blackmails Karofsky with outing him (s2e18), snaps his fingers at waitstaff (s3e10), encourages Rachel to cheat on Finn (s4e2), and is incredibly jealous of Elliot (s4e15, s5e7). The way we see Kurt act around Blaine isn’t isolated and it’s deeply concerning.

Bow Ties and Hair Gel Symbolism

Blaine’s ties and hair gel are symbolic of his relationship with Kurt and his insecurities respectively (I know the hair gel wasn’t intentional but I noticed it, it works, so I’m using it, whereas I’m pretty sure the bow tie symbolism was intentional). First, let’s talk about bow ties. The first time we see Blaine in street clothes is in season 2 episode 14. It’s before Kurt and Blaine start dating, and Blaine doesn’t wear a bow tie. The first time we see Blaine in a bow tie is in season 3 episode 1. Blaine has just transferred to McKinley for Kurt, and their relationship is very strong. However, their relationship is still new, and thus the bow tie is not yet Blaine’s signature. But he wears one here to signify his commitment to Kurt and their relationship. He continues to wear bow ties frequently through season 3, but not religiously. However, he does wear them more and more as the season progresses. There are a few notable exceptions to this. The first is in episode 5. When Blaine meets Sebastian (and every time he interacts with him), he is wearing one. When they go to Scandals, Blaine is still wearing a bow tie, but when he’s dancing with Sebastian and then when they’re fighting afterward Blaine’s tie is undone, but still around his neck. Sebastian and the musical are managing to get in between Kurt and Blaine, but Blaine still loves and cares about Kurt. They just need to get back on the same page. The second is in episode 17. Blaine does not wear a single bow tie in this episode. He does, however, wear a necktie in the scene where Kurt is texting Chandler in the choir room. In fact, when he sings It’s Not Right but It’s Ok and when Kurt sings I Have Nothing, he’s wearing a collared shirt buttoned all the way up, outfits that would normally have a bowtie, emphasizing the lack of one. 

In season 4, Blaine actually stops wearing bowties almost entirely. In episodes 1 and 2, Blaine wears a bow tie with several outfits, in keeping with how frequently he wore them in season 3, not with every outfit, but with one or two outfits per episode. However, in episode 3, we get the most overt use of the bow tie as a metaphor. Early in the episode, Blaine’s wearing bow ties with all of his outfits (the most he’s worn bow ties this season), even with his weird club costumes. He brings up how he and Kurt aren’t really in sync right now, but his bow ties indicate that he’s still very committed to that relationship. Then, Kurt and Blaine are talking, and Blaine is being very supportive of Kurt and his New York adventures. Blaine mentions that he’s running for student body president, and Kurt says that he forgot about that. Blaine then asks Kurt which bow tie he should wear for the debate, and Kurt brushes it off and pivots the conversation back to him. Blaine is clearly upset, but he goes along with Kurt. This scene uses bow ties to directly illustrate how Kurt is moving on, and how it’s hurting Blaine. He’s not supporting Blaine or hearing his concerns about the relationship, and it’s driving Blaine away. This is emphasized when at the debate, Sam tells Blaine he shouldn’t wear a bow tie, saying it makes him look uptight and telling him to take it off. Blaine even agrees that he looks better without it. This symbolizes the downfall of Blaine and Kurt’s relationship. Kurt’s ignoring Blaine, and it’s given Blaine doubts about the relationship. Blaine doesn’t wear a bow tie for the rest of the episode, as Kurt continues to ignore Blaine, even though Blaine getting elected. Blaine continues this pattern in episode 4, not wearing a single bow tie for the whole episode, and after the breakup, he only wears 3 bow ties in the entire rest of the season. He wears one at the Sadie Hawking’s dance, right after confessing his crush on Sam to Tina (s4e11) and one in the final song of season 4 episode 20, after having a moment with a guy at Sue’s exercise class. Notably, he doesn’t wear a bow tie to Will and Emma’s wedding, where he starts to reconnect with Kurt, he wears a necktie, but interestingly, Kurt wears a bow tie. Blaine even comments on it, saying, “You in this fey boy-tie. Dude, it’s my kryptonite”. He does, however, wear one later in that episode, after several leading conversations with Kurt. They’re not back together though, so Blaine doesn’t wear another bow tie until season 5 episode 1 (he also wears one in Kurt’s fantasy of Come What May, but Blaine isn’t actually wearing it, Kurt’s fantasy version of him is, which makes sense). 

In season 5, he gets much more consistent with wearing bow ties. It’s now his signature, so when he doesn’t wear one, it’s usually significant, and if he doesn’t wear one at all in an episode it’s definitely significant. Even before he officially asks Kurt to get back together with him, Blaine is wearing bow ties with all of his outfits. After they get back together and get engaged, Blaine continues to wear bow ties with most of his outfits. Let’s briefly go through some important examples. In episode 7, Kurt and Blaine get into a fight because Blaine didn’t tell Kurt that he couldn’t come to his first Pamela Landsbury gig, and Blaine isn’t wearing a bow tie. In episode 14, Blaine doesn’t wear a single bow tie until after he and Kurt have the conversation about him moving out, and then he wears a bow tie with every outfit in the remainder of the episode. He also doesn’t wear any bow ties at all in episode 16. Even after Blaine and Kurt have their conversation about communication and trust, Blaine still doesn’t wear a bow tie, signaling that he still isn’t happy with the relationship or himself. In episode 18, Blaine wears a lot of bow ties early in the episode, including when June tells him to break up with Kurt, however, when he lies to Kurt about him being in June’s showcase, he isn’t wearing one. He continues not wearing bow ties in episode 19 and early episode 20, as June and his lie drive a wedge between them. However, in the reconciliation scene, Blaine is wearing a bow tie, as he offers to give up the showcase and Kurt forgives him. Blaine wears a bow tie at the showcase and when moving back in with Kurt, but not in the goodbye or the scene where Rachel confirms she’s leaving, perhaps foreshadowing the season 6 break up. Season 6 is when Blaine is actually most consistent in wearing bow ties, which is interesting because he isn’t even with Kurt for most of it. It shows how Blaine is still deeply in love with Kurt despite appearances of moving on. The only two really important scenes in season 6 are the breakup scene in episode 1 and the elevator scenes in episode 5. He isn’t wearing a bow tie in the breakup scene, which makes sense, but other than that, he’s seen wearing a bow tie with almost every outfit for the rest of the season (a mini exception is when he tries to completely switch it up in episode 2, which doesn’t really need analysis but is a good example of this symbolism in action), and every scene with Dave. The interesting part is the elevator scenes. Blaine starts out wearing a bow tie but undoes it while in the elevator. Previously, this had been used to represent an issue in their relationship, but I don’t think that’s what it represents here. Blaine has been carrying his love for Kurt with him into his new relationship, afraid to let go of the good, but also unable to let go of the pain he experienced during the relationship. It’s restricting him. Blaine undoing the tie but keeping it around his neck is him opening up to Kurt, allowing the restrictive aspect to go, without letting go of the love he still clearly feels.

Now, on to the speculative part, Blaine’s hair gel. Throughout the show, Blaine starts using more hair gel and suppressing his natural curl pattern even more. In season 2, Blaine's hair is gelled, but in a way that embraces his natural hair. You can still tell that he has curly hair underneath it all, and it reflects the relaxed, more confident, version of Blaine that we see at this point in the show (ex. s2e6). Kurt only reinforces Blaine’s insecurities, and this is demonstrated in season 3 episode 19. Blaine is worried about not being able to gel his hair for prom, and Kurt initially laughs at and dismisses Blaine’s concerns. Then, at prom, when Kurt first sees Blaine without hair gel, his first responses are, “Oh dear God,”  and then laughing. He does eventually say that he wants to see the real Blaine, however, all of his actions leading up to this point don't support that, despite his knowledge of how insecure Blaine is. Blaine’s hair is used as a metaphor for Blaine letting his walls down within the episode, but the whole interaction is a metaphor for the way Kurt acts around Blaine for the entire show. He reinforces Blaine’s concerns and insecurities while saying with his words that he supports and loves him. Clearly, Blaine doesn’t believe that Kurt likes seeing him with his natural hair because, over the course of Blaine's relationship with Kurt, he tightens his hair even more. Slowly, his hair gets tighter and tighter to his scalp. Compare season 2 episode 6, to season 3 episode 5, to season 4 episode 1. We even see Blaine with gelled hair going to sleep and waking up when he's around Kurt (s4e4,s5e14, s5e16). Waking up with perfectly gelled hair is especially interesting because it implies that either Blaine is using some crazy strong hair gel to avoid his hair moving in the middle of the night, or that he's getting up putting hair gel in, and then getting back into bed, so Kurt doesn't see him with his natural hair. The only time we see Blaine with his natural hair, or even with more relaxed hair, are in episodes during the break up where Kurt isn’t seeing Blaine (s4e13, s4e17). It's the tightest in season 5 episode 14, which is also one of the episodes where Blaine is at his worst. He's struggling with his insecurities in a major way, and when he goes over to Elliott's house, his hair is basically Shellacked to his head (s5e14). It loosens a little bit in the next few episodes, however, there is no significant difference until season 6. It's still not back to where it was in season 2, however now that he and Kurt aren’t together anymore, he seems to have let his hair relax a little (ex s6e2). He even briefly stops gelling his hair after breaking up with Kurt. However, his insecurities run too deep and he starts doing it again. In the end, Blaine does stop gelling his hair, but he’s still unable to be his true self around Kurt and starts straightening his hair instead (s6e13). Blaine is never able to let go of his insecurities and be himself around Kurt, and both the symbolic and literal implications of this illustrate perfectly how terrible his relationship with Kurt is for Blaine. 

Conclusion

In conclusion, Kurt and Blaine’s relationship isn’t healthy, and the responsibility is mostly on Kurt. Despite their chemistry and outward appearances, their relationship is toxic and potentially abusive. Kurt doesn’t care about Blaine, he cares about himself, and he’s willing to destroy Blaine’s life if it benefits him. Blaine, on the other hand, cares so deeply about Kurt that he doesn’t even care that their relationship is damaging to him. They struggle with even the basic communication and trust that a relationship needs, and seem to believe that love is the only thing they need to keep their relationship alive. Kurt is manipulative, cruel, and takes every opportunity to tear Blaine down so he can have power over him. He hates being vulnerable and needs to be able to exert control over Blaine. He uses Blaine’s insecurity and inexperience to assure that Blaine is as small and reliant on Kurt as possible. He holds Blaine’s every little mistake over Blaine’s head, refuses to take responsibility for any of their problems, and minimizes his own mistakes. Kurt is incredibly jealous, often unfoundedly, and yet calls Blaine unreasonable when he displays any signs of jealousy himself. Their relationship damages Blaine irreparably, to the point that comparing Blaine in season 2 to Blaine in season 6 shows two almost completely different people. But it doesn’t come out of nowhere, Kurt systematically and intentionally cuts Blaine down and turns him into the person he wants him to be. A person he can control. It is not random, it is not uncharacteristic for either of them and when their relationship is interpreted through this lens, explains a lot about how Blaine develops as a character. Even if their relationship isn’t abusive, it certainly isn’t good, and it shouldn’t be romanticized. 

[gleeblaineislife]

I don’t understand how people can be completely and utterly on one person’s side during Klaine fights without understanding where the other person is coming from (except for the Scandals parking lot scene, of course). In BIOTA, yes, Kurt was very much in the wrong for being biphobic and invalidating Blaine questioning his identity which is a completely natural and difficult thing. But at the same time one of his best friends decided to go out with the one guy she knew Kurt liked and actually had a chance with. At that point in the show Kurt looked up to Blaine as an out and proud gay man who overcame bullying and probably still held Blaine up to a bit of a higher standard since he was still more of a mentor and less of a regular friend. And bisexuality was used as a not fully out of the closet thing in only some instances back then. It doesn’t excuse what Kurt said, but it does give more of a perspective of why Kurt said it. 

In DWS, Kurt was doing what Blaine considered to be emotional cheating. They both could have done a better job at communicating with each other (but they were just kids in their first relationship after all and nobody’s perfect anyways). It should be taken into consideration how hurt they both were. Intimacy is a big thing for Kurt and it hurt a lot when Blaine pulled away and made him very insecure. Blaine was also having insecurities and seeing Kurt text flirting with Chandler also hurt a lot. He was obviously not okay and probably wanted Kurt to notice that but instead Kurt just went to another guy who gave him what he wanted. Kurt was more in the wrong in this situation and Blaine had a right to be pissed but that doesn’t mean Blaine did everything perfectly either. 

In TBT, Blaine cheated on Kurt (this is more of a klaine conflict rather than fight, but I’m still including it). It’s an awful thing that Glee unfortunately made most characters participate in. But Blaine’s cheating didn’t come out of nowhere (and I would argue wasn’t out of character). Kurt was neglecting Blaine and doing what he said he wouldn’t. Now this is of course understandable, Kurt just moved to the city of his dreams and got an internship at Vogue which took up time and was getting adjusted to everything. But Blaine still wasn’t getting what he needed out of the relationship (and I believe they were headed for a break-up with or without the cheating). Blaine has abandonment issues and a lot of insecurities. He thought Kurt was done with him. I would also argue he did try to communicate he was unhappy a few times but Kurt didn’t understand/quickly had to go even though Blaine could have done more such as texting Kurt or not dismissing himself when Kurt did and elaborating more. It did really sting when Blaine thought Kurt had forgotten about him/was done with him (and up to that point Blaine didn’t really have a support system while Kurt had his father, Carole, Finn, other ex-New Directions members and Rachel a bit). Another thing that shows Kurt was too busy with his life to truly care/pay attention to Blaine’s was that he didn’t pick up the phone after Blaine’s election. That’s a pretty big day and did Kurt just forget about it or know about it yet still didn’t have the time to show he cares or did Blaine never even get the chance to tell him? Blaine’s cheating is still 100% not okay but Kurt wasn’t being the best boyfriend either. (Blaine was obviously much more in the wrong here as he completely destroyed their already deteriorating relationship at that point). 

In Puppet Master, Blaine couldn’t make it to Kurt’s first concert. I honestly don’t have many thoughts about this fight/conflict thing and almost forgot it. Blaine was being a little bitch for a lot of the episode (I still love it though and understand why he was) and he got detention so I don’t know what he could’ve really done except for maybe tell Kurt sooner? Kurt was also understandably upset since his fiance couldn’t make it because it seemed like he chose puppet Kurt over real Kurt to him. I don’t have any clear opinions about this so I’m going to move on. 

In New New York, Kurt and Blaine had a fight about Blaine setting up a workspace and they had an overall conflict of Blaine being too clingy. I’m going to start with the workspace thing: Blaine was trying to make the loft feel like his place too by creating something functional. Kurt, who was already feeling smothered by Blaine and probably wanted to still feel like something was his, was upset by this. Kurt brought up Elliot and Blaine overreacted (because of insecurities and jealousy). Blaine lets Kurt clean up what he did which, okay is kind of fair since it seemed like it was just Kurt’s loft not Blaine’s but at the same time I get that Kurt felt like Blaine took over Mckinley (by getting solos) and he didn’t want Blaine to take over New York either. For the overall conflict: Blaine and Kurt did spend a lot of time apart and I’ve been as (unhealthily) attached to somebody as Blaine was to Kurt so he just wanted to spend every second of everyday with him to make up for the time they’ve lost and he just wanted to be with Kurt. Kurt was losing his identity which would probably feel awful for someone as independent as he is and he just wanted a break from Blaine. I understand how he wouldn’t want to spend all of his time with Blaine. 

In Tested, Kurt and Blaine (sort of?)fight about porn and about Blaine feeling like they’re in a competition. Blaine starts physically pulling away which ignites Kurt’s insecurities again. Blaine pulls away since he feels so ashamed of his body. When Kurt finds out Blaine had been using porn, he feels hurt since his own fiance would rather masturbate than have sex with him. He didn’t know about how Blaine had been feeling since Blaine didn’t communicate that to him. Blaine probably wanted to communicate that to him once Kurt saw the porn to explain why but Kurt felt too hurt to listen and by the time before Love Is A Battlefield happened he had his own assumptions for why Blaine used porn so he felt there was nothing more to talk about. Kurt was surprised to hear about the competition thing but in season 3 wasn’t he the one that said ‘you don’t know what it's like being your boyfriend. You are the alpha gay’??? I mean he probably didn’t remember that or feel like that anymore but still. Kurt was understandably upset though since his fiance was talking about a ‘shift in the power dynamic’ and wanting to protect him. I’ve always thought wanting to protect him part was a natural response to what happened the episode before, since we all want to protect the people we love from harm and Blaine probably hated feeling so helpless while Kurt was in the hospital. The shift in the power dynamic, I don’t fully understand. I think it’s a bit about Blaine not understanding that you aren’t just with somebody because you need them but because you want them and Blaine feeling like Kurt was going to get so strong that he wouldn’t want to be with Blaine anymore.

For the Blaine lying to Kurt about June wanting him in the showcase, Blaine was really scared of losing Kurt again and was trying to be this perfect person who was able to give Kurt everything he wanted and he probably thought he could convince June to put Kurt in the showcase. Kurt was upset with Blaine once Blaine admitted to lying since Blaine lied and he probably already had a hard time trusting Blaine after he cheated. And for the second break-up, Kurt broke up with Blaine rather harshly and seemingly randomly to Blaine and Blaine was understandably heartbroken, hurt, and angry. I don’t really blame Kurt though because their relationship was probably not the healthiest at that point and if he wasn’t happy he shouldn’t have to be in that relationship. I think it was important for them to get a break from each other and get therapy.

[detectivecarlosreyes]

Open the Door (and let him in)

A special gift for @judsonryder‘s birthday. Happy Birthday Kourt!!

4.3k - Can also be found on Ao3

Eddie had found over the years that relationships have always been a difficult thing to navigate. Being asexual, he found them to be more complicated than they should be because it required a certain finesse that he’s not sure he possessed. The only relationship he ever had was with Shannon and their courtship started back in high school, before he knew what asexuality was.

He didn’t learn of this term until after he was married, something that he resonated with completely and how it helped label a part of him that he thought was broken. And if he knew then what he knows now, it would have explained a lot about his lack of interest throughout middle school when all of his friends were coupling off left, right and centre and then breaking up just as quickly. At the time it just didn’t make any sense to him. But now he knows it just wasn’t his thing.

Being with Shannon though was easy, they were friends first and when he needed a prom date she was the first person he asked. From then on, they’d become a thing, and yet they were best friends more than anything which he thought made the whole sleeping together thing more tolerable.

He didn’t hate sex per se, but it didn’t give him the pleasure or generate the sexual attraction that seemed to be the case with so many of his friends. He loved Shannon though, so he did it anyway because that was what was expected when you were in a relationship. She didn’t seem to notice his lack of passion as anything out of the ordinary either that or he was just good at pretending, and he was fine with that, to begin with.

At least until she started wanting more. After they got married, she wanted children and so did he, to a degree, except for the fact that it meant actively trying for a baby which Eddie was less than keen about. But once again he did what was asked of him because it was what they both wanted, even if he had no real desire to be that physically intimate with anyone.

It didn’t take him long after they started trying, to realise that he couldn’t cope with this extended amount of sexual intimacy that was required of him. So much so that one day he needed to escape it and somehow found himself enlisting. When Shannon told him she was pregnant, he was both ecstatic about the prospects of being a father and relieved that they wouldn’t have to be sexually intimate anymore.

Safe to say he didn’t really have the finesse for relationships, especially now that Shannon was gone and he an eight-year-old son to look after. That is, at least, until he started paying more attention to his relationship with Buck.

Once they had gotten past their rocky first impressions, they had become fast friends, working seamlessly together. And it felt just like how he and Shannon used to be in the beginning, but it also felt like there was something more somehow.

Without him realising it, Buck had quickly become his stability, his rock. He always seemed to be there when things mattered most, and he cared for Christopher as much as Eddie did and understood that he was Eddie’s number one priority. He was sincere and thoughtful, reckless but with his heart in the right place. And he had so many other great qualities, qualities that Eddie had always wanted in a partner, so it surprised him that Buck didn’t have more girlfriends following Abby.  

So yeah, Eddie is confused once again about relationships because he can’t figure out if what he feels towards Buck is friendship or something more, something that he’s always had trouble deciphering. But he didn’t want to look too deeply into their friendship, because he was sure that Buck was straight anyway, so there was no point in dwelling on it when he knows those potential feelings wouldn’t be reciprocated. That is, at least, until Buck changed everything by asking him on a date.

** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** 

 Buck was nervous. Mostly because he hasn’t really done anything like this before and because he really doesn’t want to screw up his friendship with Eddie. He has no idea how the guy is going to react. I mean, sure they hang out so much it felt like they were already dating, but as soon as the question left his lips, it would make whatever romantic feelings he thought he might have real and that was what worried him. Because he really likes the guy but asking Eddie out on a date involved a number of different factors.

That the feelings he has towards Eddie might actually be reciprocated and not just wishful thinking. Or Eddie turns him down because he’d read too deeply into moments that might not have meant anything at all and their friendship will forever be different just because of one simple question. What happens if they do start dating, will they have to stop working together? What if he’s biphobic?  Something that he knows is highly unlikely with how accepting he is of Hen, but if on the off chance he’s wrong, Buck isn’t sure he could handle it.

And yet, despite having these thoughts swirling around his head for the last week, Buck can’t stop thinking about how close they’ve gotten in the past year and how much he wants there to be more. So, after everyone was on their way out after their shift, Buck keeps pace with Eddie asking him what he was up to on their day off.

“Well, I know I have at least two loads of laundry to get done while Chris is at school and I’m pretty sure the house is in need of a proper clean, so… not much really.” Eddie looks at him, with that little head tilt he gets when he’s curious. “Why do you ask?”

Buck glanced around, making sure that everyone else had left at this point, so there was no one to overhear in case this went badly. “I-um, well would you… would you like to go on a date with me?” With enough false starts, he eventually manages to stutter out the words he’s been wanting to say all week.

Eddie though, he realised, seemed to freeze at the question. Oh no. That was not a good sign. Has he just made a huge mistake? Buck could feel the panic welling inside him the longer Eddie stayed silent, which felt like it stretched on for hours. This was taking too long, if Eddie was going to say yes, he would have done it by now. God! Eddie must be thinking of a nice way to let him down easy.

“Buck, I-” Oh, that tone, this was a rejection. “This was a mistake, don’t worry about it Eds, I was clearly reading into something that wasn-”

Eddie quickly reached out and placed a steadying hand on his shoulder, effectively causing his rambling to stop. “Buck stop. I’m sorry. You surprised me that’s all. And what I was going to say before you interrupted me is that I’d like that. I would like to go on a date with you.”

“Oh.” Buck could feel the anxiety he was feeling a moment ago evaporate. “Okay, cool. How does lunch sound? That way you won’t have to reschedule anything with Chris and you can still get some of that housework done too.”

Eddie smiles at him, in a way that he always found endearing “Yeah, that sounds great.”

And that was the beginning of it all. A simple lunch date that somehow ended with him back at Eddie’s house to help him clean it. It was as easy as breathing and from then on, it almost felt like nothing had changed, that they had just added a new layer to their relationship.

For the next couple of months, Buck was over at Eddie’s place more often than not, spending time with him and Christopher. They went on dates when they could, but they were taking things slow, getting a feel for this new facet of their relationship. And Buck was falling for Eddie, faster than he cared to admit in the short time since all of this started.

The team didn’t seem to notice, or if they did, they didn’t comment on it which he found surprising because if they were aware of it, Buck was sure Bobby would have called them into his office to sign some forms. Buck guessed that maybe they weren’t that obvious about it as he thought. Eddie wasn’t really into PDA especially in the workplace, so he assumed that to everyone else they were the same, aside from the fact they had become even more in tune with each other and attentive to what the other needed while on the job.

Everything seemed to be going so well between them, they were happy. And yet Buck couldn’t help but think that maybe things were moving too slowly. It’d been several months now and they haven’t moved past kissing, holding hands and cuddling on the couch. Not that it bothered him or anything, at least until he started noticing that every time there even seemed to be an inkling that maybe they might start getting more intimate, Eddie just never seemed to be into it. Like he was just going through the motions.

Was it him? Did Eddie just not like him the way that he liked Eddie? Was he just not enough for Eddie or was he too much for him? Buck cared for Eddie in a way that he’s never quite experienced with anyone else before but he’s worried. He didn’t want to be forcing a relationship if Eddie wasn’t enjoying it anymore.   

After he'd first noticed that Eddie had been holding back when their kisses started to get more passionate, Buck couldn’t ignore it. So one afternoon, when it happens again Buck pulls away and shuffles on the couch so that there’s some distance between them. He could see Eddie’s confusion out of the corner of his eye.

“Am I doing something wrong?” He asks, looking down at his hands, “I can tell something isn’t right. You seem to be fine with all of the relationship stuff, but as soon as we get close to any real kind of intimacy, you shut down. I mean, you don’t stop but you don’t seem to be enjoying it either.”

** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

 Eddie should have anticipated this.  Of course, after dating for months now, Buck was going to want more. That’s normal. That’s what you’d expect in a relationship. Eddie truly likes what they have, loves it even; it’s become something that he never thought he would experience for a long time.

He knew Buck was pulling away and he knows that it’s his fault. He has been so patient with him. Not pressing him to go any further than what they were both comfortable with. And Eddie wanted to give everything to Buck, he does, but he’s not being honest. He knows that. And Buck doesn’t deserve to be left in the dark about his sexuality. It’s not fair to him. He didn’t want to string him along anymore, letting him keep up his hopes for something that may never happen.

So, when Buck asked that question all he felt was guilt and he had no idea what to say. His silence must have been some kind of answer for Buck though because he quickly got up and picked up his jacket which he’d haphazardly left on the armchair earlier. He didn’t look angry though, just sad and resigned.

Eddie couldn’t leave it like that and quickly followed him. “Buck, wait!”

Buck stopped without turning around, so Eddie reached out and gently tugged on Buck’s hand and turned him back without resistance but he kept his head bowed with his eyes trained on the floor. “Don’t go, okay?” Eddie put a finger under his chin and tilted his face up to look at him. “This isn’t your fault. I… I haven’t been completely honest with you, there’s something that I should have told you from the beginning.”

He leads Buck back to the couch and they both sat down, Buck looked sullen, like Eddie was about to break his heart. “Look I- I don’t even know how to tell you this, but I need you to know that I’m sorry for making you feel like with was your fault because it’s not. It’s mine.”

Buck looks up at him at that and takes both of his hands in his own, looking desperately hopeful. “Eddie, you can tell me. If this is something that is affecting our relationship, I need to know what it is.”

Eddie looks away chewing his lower lip, “I just- I don’t know- this isn’t anything that I’ve ever told anybody before, not even Shannon…”

“You can trust me, whatever it is. I’m here.”

“I know I can,” Eddie lets out a deep breath, it’s now or never, “Buck, I’m asexual.”

He shuts his eyes, unable to bear to see anger or disgust in Buck’s face for not telling him after all these months. There’s a moment of pause and he flinches ever so slightly when he feels Buck’s hand on his cheek before finally speaking.

“Eddie,” he says softly, “I am so sorry that I pushed you into telling me this but I am so proud of you and I’m glad that you were able to tell me”

Eddie opened his eyes and placed his hand over Buck’s, confused why the guy wasn’t upset at him for lying to him. “You don’t hate me for keeping this from you?”

“What? No! Of course not!” Buck exclaims quietly. “This is who you are, I could never hate you for that.”

He should have known Buck would be understanding and that’s what made the next part so much harder. Curling his fingers around Buck’s hand Eddie pulled it down from his face, “I really like being with you Buck, but I know that some people can’t deal with the idea of being in a potentially non-sexual relationship, so I’ll understand if you want to end things now before we go any further and I won't hold it against you.”

The look Buck gave him at that was one of bewilderment. “Eddie, being with you is where I want to be, and I need you to know that what I feel towards you isn’t going to change because you’re asexual.”

Up until this point in his life, Eddie couldn’t fathom someone would ever want to be with him once they knew the truth. “You really mean that?” He asked, feeling misty-eyed.

“Of course I do.” And then Eddie couldn’t take it anymore and he fell forward, burying his face into Buck’s chest while breathing out a sigh of relief he didn’t realise he was holding. Shifting closer, Buck circles his arms around Eddie, holding him close as he pressed a kiss into his hair, and they just stay like that, not wanting to move from this moment.

** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

 After a while Buck had shifted on the couch, sliding down and resting his head against the pillow on the armrest, dragging Eddie down with him to keep him nestled between his legs and on his chest.  Running his fingers through Eddie’s hair, he’d turned on the tv to a mindless channel and they lay there for a couple of hours.

Buck got it, that feeling of coming out for the first time. It’s not always sunshine and rainbows, sometimes it sucked, and you can’t always know how someone will react. Buck was fortunate with Maddie, but not so much with his parents. And he wanted Eddie to have that same experience of feeling as safe and loved as he did when he first told Maddie he was bisexual. And, he thinks, he must be doing something right because currently, Eddie was lightly dozing against him, looking at peace over his confession.  

When his stomach inevitably grumbled though, it caused Eddie to startle awake and Buck couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Hey.” He says with a smile, peering down at Eddie.

“Hey there,” replied Eddie quietly, shifting so that he was resting his chin on his forearm, “Sounds like someone’s hungry. Dinner?”

Buck pushes himself up, “Only if you let me cook. Even in your own home, I don’t think I’ll be able to trust you in the kitchen, especially after the Great Taco Fiasco.”

Eddie rolled his eyes at him and threw up his hands in exasperation. “I forget to put on a timer one time! I didn’t think that taco shells could burn that quickly!” Buck couldn’t help but laugh at his indignation as he heads to the kitchen to prepare something simple for them.

As he starts chopping up the ingredients for a fettuccine alfredo Buck chews at his lip absentmindedly, lost in thought. Christopher was over at a birthday slumber party, so he had all the time and the freedom to bring up any more questions he might have for Eddie.

As he cooks everything on autopilot, all he could think about was all the things that they had been doing in their relationship up until this point. Had he done anything that Eddie found unpleasant that he didn’t notice? How many times had he kissed Eddie, but Eddie didn’t kiss him back? How could he have been so oblivious about it up until now?

He was eventually brought out his thoughts by Eddie, who had moved around the bench and lightly touched his shoulder. “Evan? What gotten you so quiet?”

Buck sets down the spoon he’d was using to stir the sauce and turns, leaning back against the bench with a sigh. “I was just thinking that in all the months we’ve been together, how many times I’ve made you uncomfortable without realising it.”

“Don’t even worry about it, I don’t mind.”

“But I do Eddie! I want whatever we do in our relationship to be as good for you as it is for me. I don’t want you to feel any discomfort over anything we do, that’s just not fair to you.”

Eddie’s forehead creases in confusion, “But I just want to make you happy.”

Buck reaches out to caress his cheek, running his thumb gently along Eddie's cheekbone. “Eddie, I’m going to be happy with whatever we do or don’t do because I get to be with you. You shouldn’t have to do something just for my sake.”

“Oh.” Eddie ended up saying as if it had never occurred to him that that was a possibility.

Buck lets him mull that thought over and goes about serving their dinner before handing Eddie his plate and leaving a chaste kiss to the corner of his mouth before he went to fish out some cutlery from the drawer. It's only after they had settled at the table and eaten a few bites does Eddie bring up the topic again.

“So how should we go about this?”

“It’s up to you really, but I think we need to be completely honest with each other. And just so you know, from here on out, I’m happy to go at whatever speed you’re comfortable with in this relationship.”

Eddie frowns again. “And what if that’s not enough for you?”

Buck reaches across the table to hold his hand over Eddie’s to get his point across. “Hey, I’m here aren’t I? You haven’t scared me off yet and I wouldn’t be suggesting this is I wasn’t willing to make this work for the both of us.”  

“Okay, yeah, I guess you have a point,” Eddie answers with a sigh.

Buck pats Eddie’s hand affectionately before pulling his back, leaving it to resting on the table. “That’s right. So, I was thinking we should go over what you like and don’t like in a relationship, just so I know where your boundaries are.”

“Right now?”

Buck shrugs in response, flourishing his fork, “I mean sure, why not. Chris isn’t here, and I want to make sure I do things right. Does that sound okay?” Eddie nods.

Buck thinks for a moment, deciding on something small to get them started. “Opinion on romantic gestures; the whole holding hands, gifts, flowers, that sort of thing.”

“Hmm, I think I prefer just spending time together, you doing things for me just because you want to, tells me more about how much you care about me than buying me a gift. But in saying that I’m not against hand-holding.” He ends up saying as he reaches across the table and laces his fingers with Bucks.

Buck looks down at their joined hands. “In that case, I’m guessing you don’t mind being physically close with one another like cuddling,” he indicates their hands, “and hand-holding. I mean, you initiate it just as much as I do.”

Eddie hums, “Yeah I really do like all our casual touches, and I love being close to you; like us snuggling together is probably my favourite form of intimacy.”

Buck can’t help but grin at that and gives Eddie’s fingers a light squeeze, pleased that Eddie loved it as much as he did. “Okay then. What are your thoughts on kissing?”

“I love all the little kisses, like all those affectionate ones you give me in my hair or on my cheek and I do like kissing on the lips, but I’m not a fan of tongue.” He says that last part with the smallest of cringes.

“Alright, no tongue. Noted.” Buck swirls some pasta onto his fork and takes a bite, chewing slowly as he considers his next question, wondering how well it’s going to be received. “How do you feel about sex?”

Eddie shifts in his seat and ducks his head down to looks his plate, “It’s alright,” he says with a shrug, “I could do without it, but I don’t mind it either.”

Buck pauses to think on that one for a moment, “No sex it is then.” He says simply and then follows it up with popping a piece of broccoli in his mouth.

Eddie's head shoots up at that, “Just like that?”

“Just like that,” Buck affirms with a nod. “In terms of any sexual intimacy, you get to decide how far we go, and I’m not going to push.”

Eddie looks at Buck in wonder, like he’s given him the best gift in the world. “What did I do to deserve you?” he murmurs to himself, but Buck heard him, and he couldn’t keep from giving him a soft smile before changing his grip on Eddie’s hand and bringing it up to his lips.

“You didn’t have to do anything except be yourself, that’s all it took for you to win me over. You deserve to be happy Eddie.” Gently brushing his thumb over Eddie’s knuckles, he lowers his hand to see a light blush dusting his boyfriend's cheeks. Now that they had everything out in the open Eddie was looking more relaxed, which was more than Buck could ever hope for.

** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

 Eddie couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this contentedly happy. He thinks in part it had to do with Buck just being Buck, but he thinks it’s mostly because he feels truly seen for the first time in his life. The fact the Buck was even still here after learning everything he had in the last few hours and accepted it all without any reservations astounded him.

As they worked as a team to wash the dishes together with their shoulders rubbing together and sharing sweet smiles at each other with each passed dish, Eddie couldn’t help but feel love bloom in his chest. How could he not, when he had someone like Buck in his life, to see him and love who he was unconditionally.

Later as they prepare for bed, Buck, endearingly now dedicated to forever being considerate of his comfort levels, asked him if he was okay with all the times he’d taken off his shirt to sleep. Thinking on it, Eddie had only ever found it uncomfortable that Buck was shirtless in bed was when he was shirtless and they were making out in bed because it felt like it could inevitably lead to sex. So he told Buck just that, but no, it was fine when they were just snuggled up together.

Buck grinned at him and settled himself under the cover and Eddie quickly followed suit. Now knowing that there was never going to be any expectation for anything more than just cuddling unless he chose to, Eddie presses himself closer to Buck than he usually would, lying on his side with his shoulder wedged under Buck’s and his arm draped across his waist. Buck brings that arm up to loosely wrap around his shoulders and trails his fingers along Eddie’s bare arm almost absentmindedly as Eddie rests his head on Buck’s chest.

A chuckle rumbles through Buck, causing Eddie to readjust his position to hovers above Buck’s face who look up at him with mirth in his eyes, “What?” he asked in amusement.

“Oh nothing, I was just thinking that after everything we talked about, I feel like this is closest you’ve ever wanted to sleep next to me and I couldn’t be happier.”

Eddie leans down and brushing his lips against Bucks before pulling himself away. “Well now with everything out in the open, this is the most comfortable I have been in a long time sharing a bed with someone and I have you to thank for that.”

Buck’s eyes soften at that. “You don’t have to thank me for that. I already love you too much to let you go.”

Eddie can’t help but make a strangled sound before ducking his head into Buck’s neck. Buck saying those words so easily made his heart feel so full at the possibility, so he tells him the honest truth. “I don’t think that’s going to be an issue, because I know I love you too, and I don't think I could let you go either.”

Settling back into his position against Buck’s chest, Eddie sighs contentedly as Buck wraps his arms around him and drops a kiss to his forehead. Yeah, Eddie could see himself like this for the rest of his life and he hopes that Buck could too.