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aestheticvoyage2023 · 2 years ago

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Day 22: Sunday January 22, 2023 - “Oregon Coast”

I felt like a ghost. Haunting my younger self, re-running these roads from Ecola State Park on down to Newport, through Tillamook and Corvallis and back up to PDX. Out here where I spent a Christmas Eve before I knew even what I was doing, with a picnic basket and an idea and a bundle of firewood on the sands outside Netarts with ghosts of Christmas Past and Present dancing with me in the blowing sand - very green, then, and really up to something but not ever really sure, but now with a grey beard and experience to know that the road does always provide, and now, as I drove out hoping to catch a sunset that would move me in some important way, out over that powerful ocean where the clouds always break for me, remembering that familiar feeling of hoping that was true again, and then there it was finally - the Pacific, the ocean that I dreamed into on so many lonely nights and empowered days, thinking about that old Primo Levi quote about feeling strong... this is a powerful place, a place that I’ll always be drawn to. I wound down the road, recognizing things and remembering things from a place I hadn’t seen in almost 13 years, and other places like Newport that I came back to over and over, as a waypoint on my Aesthetic Voyage. I wondered, as I drove by, if Luke would remember guiding me to that Shell Station, the one coming up right before the road takes a 90 degree right, back before I had a smart phone of my own. “Hey are you by a computer?” Feels like a different life ago, and it was, but the timeless place is unmoved, unchanged. The sea is still there, with its constant flow; harsh blows, what a gift. So familiar and Close to the heart, Running running, born to run, like Christmas Night in Lincoln City, before the photo blog even existed, and how The Boss sings me through every time - “you signing that to me? - One Night Only!” A runaway American Dream and Wild Oats. Id like to think the place still knows me well too; that I havent been gone too long, the different chapters, the different lovers, the different times I came here looking for something - that restless cowboy up and down the 101- the path of paradise for me forever and always. An Important Place that always knew the winding path I was on, and how I’d get there, and now I come back “home” like Christopher Robin to remember with delicate nostalgia and pride for how it was, and even what wasn’t - Like that sad lovers resort at Depoe Bay, the first time I really remember my heart being broke - how I screamed out at the Gratiot Airport into the night over that place right there, as I rolled by it again, dark as it should be; Stories untold, never written, right there - important more for maybe what didn’t happen here 17 years ago so it could be just mine, how here at this state park I pull into, I sat and burned divorce papers in the campfire, that was a sad night, and it was only mine, endings here too; and how just miles down the road there is a girl with a tattoo marking a path I chose not to go down as I verbed my way back East instead, and how the gift of that story came out of this mist. The mist, thats always sent me home with many gifts, and made me work for most of them, which this wildman always appreciated. So many things to tell out along these mile markers, of Chili Bombs, and running for mayor, and beer boiled clams, and sleeping on the sand, and me haunting them all in my rental, enjoying the green views of a pacific northwest forest highway, as if I was driving with my own self there in the backseat, in the rearview mirror the only difference between us is the miles “The difference between love and happiness is you.” And maybe there is a wink from the universe and a nudge that I am figuring it out, as I cycle back through the places and the stories and the people of that time and space - that the adventure needs to come back, and the fire, and the blurry eyed idealism that the world worked, now with age and wisdom to truly enjoy how the story unfolds, where I used words like soulful, and supplication, and I didnt feel so much pressure and I laughed, and didn’t worry so much about the hurts, though itd be easy to. “Welcome back old friend.” I see you, I recognize you. This is an important place. A place that knows me. And the treasure I left here, and the treasure I took away. A place that is mine, again.

Song: Bruce Springsteen - Born To Run

Quote: '...Ah, life is a gate, a way, a path to Paradise anyway, why not live for fun and joy and love or some sort of girl by a fireside, why not go to your desire and LAUGH...' ~Jack Kerouac

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yengyangyo · 4 years ago

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berry | k.s.w

pairings: kim sunwoo x female reader

genre: college au, friends to lovers

summary: you are in denial that you have a crush on your own friend, kim sunwoo until he made you confess your feelings.

word count: 1.9k

note: i wrote this on sunwoo's birthday. its quite late to post it cs i kept on postponing it sksksk but yea this was inspired by sunwoo's berry. enjoy reading! xo

you had sunwoo on your mind for days that you are lacking of sleep. it doesnt sit quite right for you to have this 'romantic' feelings for your bestfriend. meanwhile, sunwoo is not helping you to clear up your mind at all. he's just always there beside you no matter what.

he'd wait at the bus stop just to go to class together with you in the morning even when you're running late. lunch time together is a must unless one of you had other plans. both of you are just stuck together anywhere you go.

so for once, you thought it'd be a good plan to avoid him today. you woke up early that morning to get to class and you texted sunwoo that you had a discussion with your groupmates. this went on for a few days, you were making excuses everyday but sunwoo believed you.

until he couldnt take it anymore.

you felt your phone vibrating in your pocket and you saw sunwoo on the caller id. you were hesitating to pick it up until you felt someone grabbing your wrist from the back, turning you around.

"found ya!"

sunwoo appeared in front of you with the brightest smile. you couldn't help but to feel happy and welcomed by him that you started smiling unknowingly. you get back to your senses seconds later and avoided his eyes.

sunwoo knew something was wrong when he saw your expression fell. he glanced at your phone that kept ringing. he ended the call and your phone went off too.

"why arent you answering my calls? are you still busy?"

you couldnt stand seeing sunwoo looking all gloomy and upset. you felt bad for ignoring him so you tried making up excuses again.

"oh yea i was about to pick it up. sorry,"

sunwoo pouted and wrapped his arm around your shoulders. he's using his favourite perfume again today, you noticed. that scent happened to be your fav of him too. you felt weak and wanting to crawl into a hole or something.

"im craving chicken today. how about chicken and beer for dinner tonight?"

sunwoo turned his head at you, waiting for an answer. you looked up at him and his face was only inches away from you. you looked away, flustered. he had always been this way but only now you noticed how you felt about him which made it more awkward to be this close to him.

"i dont know, sunwoo. i'll have to check with my groupmates," you said, pretending to check your phone for your nonexistent messages.

"its friday come on. i havent hang out with you for days already," sunwoo whined and that made you laugh.

"alright but i get to choose where to eat,"

you chose the chicken restaurant near your neighbourhood where you both are regular customers there. the place was crowded with youngsters like the both of you, drunken with beer and chicken.

you were also getting tipsy from drinking. the first 30 minutes of the dinner went normal. asking how each other had been doing with the college life.

sunwoo sighed and rested his chin on his right palm. his eyes falters on you, searching for something. you looked away, feeling a bit burdened and transparent, because sunwoo knew you werent acting yourself these days.

"hey," he called you but you didnt answer and still avoiding the eye contact.

"hey look at me,"

you were startled at the warmth on both of your cheeks. sunwoo was cupping your cheeks to make you look at him straight in the eyes. you didnt know if this warmth was from his hand or from you blushing.

"what's wrong?" he asked. now his hand moved to yours, holding it tight. "you're avoiding me these days. do you think i didnt notice?"

silence fell between you two, just staring at each other. the guilt creeping up inside you and you didn't know where to start.

its the smallest gesture from him that create butterflies in your stomach.

that one time he opened the water bottle for you when he saw you struggling and saying that you're such a baby. his laughter filled the room when you frowned at the remark. you know how much he loves annoying you and in the end he always made you laugh too.

on rainy days, he'd always share the umbrella with you and keeping you close to him so you wouldnt get drenched. sometimes he'd gently rub your arm so you wouldn't get too cold.

sometimes he'd call you names like how boyfriend and girlfriend do, jokingly. though, you somewhat enjoyed it and played along. pretending to cringe but actually was flattered by him.

at this moment, your hand in his, eyes boring into each other, you just want to scream at him how much you love him.

you smiled in defeat and pulled back your hand.

"there were just so many thoughts going on my mind lately, sunwoo. im so sorry,"

he didn't question you any further and he nodded his head.

"whatever it is youre thinking, i just want you to know i'm always here for you,"

you smiled, this time sincerely at him.

"you always are sunwoo. i appreciate that,"

he smirked, "after all, i am the best that you got,"

you rolled your eyes and gave him your disgusted face.

"so are you gonna tell me what's bugging you?"

"i think i like someone. he's just always running round in my mind these days,"

you didnt know where the courage came from to blurt out that out of your mouth. sunwoo who was halfway shoving a piece of chicken in his mouth, stopped. he put it down and looked at you, doubting himself if he heard that right.

"i couldnt stop thinking about him. that pretty much explains that i like him right? or is it just my mind playing games with me?"

you swore you saw his face fell for a second but he went back to the usual sunwoo after that.

"does he know about your feelings?"

you shrugged, "nah. im still trying to find out what i really feel about him. should i tell him?"

sunwoo didnt say anything and chugged down his beer until its empty.

"yea why not," he answered simply. "he must be really lucky to have you,"

you laughed, "i havent done anything yet. there's a possibility that he'd reject me too anyway,"

its funny how you talk about this like its some stranger to sunwoo when you are talking about him. you felt light hearted a bit after letting that out.

"who'd reject you?" sunwoo said while playing with that piece of chicken, not looking at you anymore. "you're pretty and fun,"

you raised an eyebrow, wondering if you heard that right. he was still poking the chicken with his fork, eyes hazy and lips pouting.

"so you're not gonna tell me who is this guy you have a crush on?"

"you'll find out soon,"

sunwoo offered to walk you home though you kindly told him he didn't have to. he insisted and now you are walking beside him. he was suddenly quiet after the conversation you had with him.

"is that why you're avoiding me? because you have a crush on this guy?"

he asked, hands in his pockets, eyes looking forward. you looked at him, feeling a bit weirded out by his cold tone.

"no... okay maybe? i dont know. i just needed some time to myself,"

sunwoo fell quiet again for the rest of the walk home. when you reached the front gate of your house, you looked back at sunwoo. he looked like he was upset. you walked up to him and pat his side.

"hey thanks for walking me home. i'll tell you everything when i'm ready okay?"

sunwoo didnt say anything and you turned around to get out of that awkward moment.

"no i'll tell you everything right now okay? hear me out,"

you stopped in your tracks and facing him in confusion. he was pacing around, his hands are restless in his pockets.

"before you confess to him i guess i have to make a move on you first," sunwoo said, this time he raised his voice. "this is why people are saying we should always tell what we feel before we regret it and i dont want to regret it but i think im too late,"

you are worried at him. he looked like he was about to break down right in front of you. you wanted to comfort him but you didnt get what he's trying to say.

"sunwoo, i dont understand. what is it?"

sunwoo stopped pacing around and stopped directly in front of you. you swore you saw his eyes tearing up and you wanted to cry too. you thought, the alcohol has made both of you emotional.

"i like you,"

you both felt like the world is weighing down. it was as if the time has stopped for you two. you were staring at each other in disbelief.

"i know you like someone else and i shouldve told you sooner. i kept on putting back my feelings behind," sunwoo halted, gasping for air. "im too late now but i have to tell you this,"

"sunwoo-"

"i dont care who he is. but i want you to know that you deserve of love. you kept on telling yourself you dont deserve anyone. you know how badly i want to tell you that im here? i want to love you," sunwoo was practically shouting at this point. he sighed, "shit im already am in love with you,"

at those words, your tears came streaming down like crazy. you've never seen him cry but tonight he looked beautiful even when he's crying. you lurched forward and wrapped your arms around him. he buried his face in your neck and you felt his warm tears on your skin.

"im sorry. i just wanted to let that out after keeping it for so long. this is the worst timing huh?" he murmured under his breath.

you shook your head and laughed. you let go of the hug first and cupped his face in your hands. teary eyes staring at each other.

"sunwoo its you,"

"what?"

"i love you too,"

you closed the distance between the two of you, kissing him for the first time. that caught him off guard but then smiled in the kiss. it was sloppy but sunwoo is for sure leading you well at this. you both craved for this for a long time already. you were still crying of relief and touched by his confession.

"you should've told me before i start crying like an idiot," sunwoo looked down at you, smiling with his swollen eyes.

you laughed at him and you snuggled more into his embrace not wanting to let go too soon. you realized how much you miss him after those dreading days of ignoring him. he rested his chin on your head while gently patting you.

"im sorry ive been ignoring and denying my feelings for you,"

"its okay. thank god we actually like each other though," you both laughed at the same time and you havent felt this happy and giddy before.

"so i can actually call you my baby now?" sunwoo asked smirking at you playfully, knowing how much you hated it before.

"that's still cringy but sure, babe,"

#kim sunwoo #the boyz #the boyz scenarios #the boyz imagines #the boyz fics #sunwoo fluff #sunwoo scenarios #sunwoo imagines #kpop fanfic #tbz fanfic #tbz imagines #tbz scenarios #sunwoo oneshots #tbz oneshots

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illnurse · 4 years ago

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“Happy Birthday, Ramuda!”

*SPOILERS AHEAD IF YOU HAVENT LISTENED TO THE DRAMA TRACKS / READ THE MANGA ABOUT RAMUDA’S PERSONALITY*

A/N: Hello! Happy Birthday to Ramuda! I made this in one hour last night, I was gonna post it last night but I fell asleep! Sorry! But here you go! A Ramuda X Reader! <3 Reblogs would be very appriciated!

You woke up very early, Its Ramuda's birthday! Why wouldn't you wake up early?

You made sure Dice and Gentaro would go along your plan to pretend they don't know that it was Ramuda's special day, and You, you also pretended to not know as you went on and prepared the things you need to attempt to bake a cake for Ramuda.

In the middle of baking, your phone rang, you looked at the caller ID and you saw Ramuda's name, and of course you answered.

"Y/N-Chwan! You're free today right?" He asked, his cheery voice being heard.

"Oh Ramuda, Hi, Sorry No, Im not available today, maybe ask Dice and Gentaro to hangout with you today?" You were smiling after you said it as you were trying your best to silently pour the batter to the baking pan.

"I already did! But they both said they were also busy!~" He pouted, and you knew he pouted just by the sound of his voice.

"I'm sorry babe, lets hang out next time okay?" You spoke and ended the call, not waiting for the other to reply.

You felt bad for ending the call immediately but you had no choice cause you really wanted to surprise your boyfriend.

After you baked the cake, you messaged Dice and Gentaro to come to your place and help you decorate, and after that you started decorating your own place while waiting for them and after blowing out a few balloons, your doorbell rang, you immediately ran to the door and you smiled and let Dice and Gentaro in.

"Wow! Y/N I didn't know you would prepare all sorts of things for Ramuda!" Dice commented one he entered your place, and Gentaro hummed.

"Yes, Y/N-san, I also did not know that you were capable of decorating small places" Gentaro smiled and placed his gift on the table, and Dice and Gentaro helped you decorate your house

Ramuda on the other hand, "Aw, No one remembers its my birthday today huh? Its not even a real 'Birth' Date" He scoffed as he just sat at his office, paper of sketches on his table.

"A robot born on the 14th? I'm not even real but I'm 'Born' on the day of love?" He sighed and he frowned, his negative thoughts filling up his head, he snapped out of his thoughts from hearing his phone ring, it was you calling!

"Ramuda!" You shouted out sounding worried.

"Oh Y/N! What what?" He noticed your voice

"My dress for tonight has a huge tear on it!! i need it for tonight's office party!" You frowned but after speaking you looked at Gentaro and Dice and they bot gave you a thumbs up

"Ah! Okay, Ill be on my way!" Ramuda immediately picked up his things and ran to your place as fast as he could.

You gave Gentaro and Dice party hats as you laughed, "Just wear it!~" You told Gentaro who was staring at the Hat.

"Fine" Gentaro laughed softly and wore it

Dice had no problem and wore it, but while you were looking away, he was secretly eating already, what a sucker!

You heard the sound of keys trying to unlock the door, and you immediately signaled Gentaro and Dice that Ramuda was here and told them to get ready.

You met Ramuda by the front door, "Babe..." You pouted and Ramuda smiled at you.

"Ehhh~ Y/N-Chwan~ Dont worry! The cutest designer in Shibuya will fix your dress for you!" He said and started to walk to the living room.

Poppers popped and confetti was everywhere when Ramuda walked into your Living room.

"Happy Birthday Ramuda!!" The three of you cheered and Ramuda got teary eyed.

"Hey...What's all this..." Ramuda looked at the walls and at the coffee table, where the cake you made was there.

You hugged Ramuda from behind and you smiled, "Happy Birthday, Love" You greeted and kissed him on the cheek.

"Happy Birthday yo!" Dice cheered as he laughed and Gentaro smiled, "Happy Birthday"

"Guys...You didn't have to do this" Ramuda cried, his voice not being his high pitched voice.

"I don't deserve this.." He cried as he wiped his tears

"Oh Ramuda, You do" You said as you lit up the candles on the cake.

Ramuda felt loved, genuinely loved for the first time, He was always failed as a robot and nothing but a failed experiment, But You changed his thoughts immediately, You made him feel normal, You made Ramuda feel like he's a real person.

"Blow your candles" Gentaro smiled and pointed at the cake You were holding.

Ramuda giggled and blew the candles, "Thank you, all of you, especially you, Y/N" He smiled and you wiped his tears, and pecked his lips.

#Ramuda x Reader #ramuda amemura #amemura ramuda #hypmic #hypnosis microphone #hypnosis mic imagines #hypnosis mic x reader #hypmic x ramuda #hypmic x reader

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annamusewrites · 4 years ago

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Family isnt all about blood.

She finally was happy and felt safe, she shouldve known you cant stop running from your past and not have it catch up on you, but she doesnt want to lose her brother or her loved even if it meant she suffered.....she really shouldve expected this after all, she was a Taylor and no one walks away from that family.

It didnt really bother her that her brother never settled down with a partner, he had his reasons and trust issues that Ana knew, as long as he was safe, that's all that would matter for now. Granted, she would love for him to find someone but she wasnt going to force that on him either. They were both there for one another and he had accepted Ransom as well. Truthfully, she couldnt be happier and maybe that was the problem. Her happiness had blinded her to what was to come.

"Dads in town" those words made her drop her fork and look wide eyed at her brother but then she picked up her fork "guess he found out about my new job" her tone was flat, their Dad could go to Hell for all she cared right now. He abandoned them so he didnt exist and she wasnt going to let him play the Daddy role just because he found out his so called daughter now had money.

She felt Marty's eyes on her but she carried on with her meal "if he calls you, dont answer" she looked at him "I'm not that stupid" "i wasnt saying you were, I'm just....protective" his words made her smile, she had two protective men in her life, her brother and the love of her life and she loved them both for it "I know" she reached out for his arm "but that man isnt going to walk into our lives again after everything. He had his chances"

No more was said about that man for a couple of days, she got several missed calls from an unknown number and after checking it wasn't anything to do with her work, Ransom or his family, she blocked and ignored any more. She shouldve known ignoring him wouldnt make him go away.

"I'll be over later, just need a shower....an actual shower " she smirked into the phone "give me half an hour and I'll be there. I love you" she hing up the phone to Ransom as she walked into her house. A shower and a change of clothes was a must, she wanted to get rid of work more than anything right now.

Closing the door, she gasped as a hand went across her mouth and dragged her back, her heels falling off her feet as she tried to stay upright. She felt the coldness of the gun resting on her temple, god she wished she hadnt known that feeling and she tried not to panic but then she saw her brother on his knees, all bloodied up from what looked like beatings.

Was this to do with sleeping with the wrong gal? It couldnt of been, Ransom had made sure he knew to only go after single women and Marty wasnt that stupid anymore. She swallowed against the hand as she tried to take in the dark setting, any detail to use against the people not allowed here. Her eyes begging for any sign that he was alright.

"You always were an ignorant brat" that voice made her blood run cold, how did he find her? As if to confirm who he was a tall man now came into view, taking her in and she knew it was the bastard father that abandoned them for money. The hand slid from her mouth and she spat at her father making him slap her hard and grab her throat. She heard Marty try and struggle to help her but then her father laughed "I see you've finally got your mothers fiesty side in you. Shame it didnt help her or you now"

Before she knew it she was tossed onto the floor, her head hitting the corner of the coffee table making her groan out. "Rich little Princess doesnt share with her family" Ana looked up at him "you're not my family, you walked out on us"

Her father grabbed her by the hair, pulling it with no remorse as he made her kneel infront of her brother "no I kicked your good for nothing brother out, you just followed like a weak little puppy" she chewed her inner cheek refusing to whimper at the pain he was causing her by pulling her hair. She looked at her brother, tears stinging her eye with the pain "you're not even half the man Marty is" again that earned her a toss to the ground and a kick to her back.

Biting back the groan, she exhaled harshly as she heard her brother beg for him to stop hurting her and turn back to him "no" she went to push up on her arms only for them to wobble but she didnt care "let him be the monster he always was"

This time when she was dragged by up to her feet she could feel the metallic taste of blood in her mouth, but as she was pinned back to the wall, she felt the suffocating pressure of a hand tightly over her mouth and nose as she grabbed his arm and dug her nails in his arm as he watched her try not to fight for breath.

"Be a good girl and I'll let you breath" there was only one perfect to ever call her that and it certainly wasnt him. It made her feel sick hearing it from those lips. She felt his other hand grip her throat as tears streamed down her cheeks, her lungs begging for breath but she wasnt gling to fight for it either. Half an hour, she just had to last half an hour and then Ransom would call her and wouldnt get any answer and knew something was wrong but then he would walk straight into this and she couldnt bare the thought of him getting hurt. What was she going to do?

Finally he was allowed to breathe as she fell to her knees gasping her breath. Maybe he saw her not struggling as compliance, right now she could care less. Blinking she tried to focus clearly then she heard her brother scream. Looking up she noticed the knife wound "no" "no" she was grabbed again and pinned to someones body as she growled out but she couldnt move.

"I'm going to fucking kill you" her brother growled out and Ana didnt have any complaints there. She hears her cell ring, fuck, it couldnt of been half an hour already. Her father got her phone and showed her the caller ID, Linda was calling her and as her father tossed her phone out into the hallway, she felt a dreaded feeling that having not been able to reach Ana, Linda would phone Ransom. She was in two minds if that was a good idea or not.

"Havent changed at all, still the low life whore than ever, Martin" her father sounded displeased but when was he happy "your sister achieves alot more than you but still needs teaching on how to act properly. What? You both thought I'd let you walk away, embarrass me and I'd never punish you both for it? Thanks to Ana taking on that job and a very helpful assistant I found exactly where you loved"

Her mind whizzed trying to think who wouldve given out her address, she was going to fire that person....if they ever got out "What do you want?" Her words seemed to echo around the room making all eyes appear on her "what inwant is respect and I'm going to get it from you both one way or another. You're both coming back home, whether it's in a body bag or three back of the car is up to you"

"Go to hell" both her brother and her seemed to say at the same time, she kicked back making the man holding her back off and groan "fucking bitch" he grabbed her by the hair "going to teach you a fucking lesson" he dragged her by her hair up the stairs, each step hitting her body like a punch as she tried to struggle and groaned out. Hearing her brother try and get free and call for her made her suddenly want to panic but she wasnt going to show the bastard dragging her she was now scared.

She heard commotion downstairs and her cell phone ringing, now she did want Ransom to come in and somehow not get hurt. Being rescued wasnt such a bad idea. She whimpered as she was thrown onto her bed, trying to get her mind focused on anything but the pain. As her legs were dragged she reached out ontop of the bedside table remembering she had opened a letter with her mothers old fashioned letter opener and managed to grab it. "Going to make you behave bitch" she rose her hand and plunged the letter opener into the side of her neck "go fuck yourself" blood splattered from his neck as she turned her head away and managed to crawl under and away from him as she panted sat on the floor out of his reach as she watched the man who worked for her father bleed to death. She didnt dare think what he was going to do to her as she desperately tried to control her breathing.

Her phone rang again and maybe she shouldve tried to make a run for it. Maybe by some miracle whoever was ringing, more likely ransom, would hear the struggle as she was captured again but she also knew that would cost her brothers life and she couldnt lose him. Swallowing, she blinked , she had killed a man, but it was in self defence but that thought tried to over take her.

Her hands was shaking, as far as she knew there was this dead guy and her father left. Crawling slowly to the body she yanked the letter opener off his neck, trying not to get too much blood on her. She gripped the letter opener tightly and looked under her bed. Didnt Ransom leave a cell under here and said he would collect it later? God she hoped he hadnt collected it already. She smiled as she felt the cell in her hand as she looked through the contact until she reached Ransoms main cell number, but as she dialed his number, she screamed as she was yanked back. She hadnt seen the other man in the room downstairs, another person with her father. She threw the vocal under the bed enough not to be seen as she kept screaming in hopes if Ransom picked up he could tell she was in danger.but not enough that the man grabbed her would know she had another cell.

Against the stairs left their marks and neither touch of the other man was gentle. She was covered in blood and likely to have bruises now too "the fucking bitch killed Roma" he threw her onto the other chair and tied her up.and gagged her. She struggled under the harsh slap of her father stung her face so much she felt like he had taken her skin off, even if it was impossible. She had to save her brother as he was bleeding, god knows to death but now tied down she was trying to think how. "Guess we're going to play this the hard way then. Bring it in" Ana swallowed, it could be anything knowing him and she couldnt quite see what it was as inwas dragged behind her.

"Marty all will.be forgiven, are you going to come.back.home?" Marty knew what that really meant for them both "fuck you" he moaned through his pain and before Ana could realise what was happening her chair was thrown back into.something ice cold. She realised it was a large tub of ice cold.water behind her as she struggled to not breathe in. There was noise.coming from above the surface but she couldnt make it out as her lungs fought for air then she was sat back up coughing for breath.

"Ana come home" Ana looked through her wet eyes "I'd rather die" again she was fallen back into the ice water. A father who tortured his children was no father at all but what was new for her? She gasped for air as she was pulled back up hearing her brother begging for her tonbe let go and he'll go back if she wasnt hurt anymore. They had broken her brother and she couldnt blame him really "no...no. I wont let you go back there" her throat was grabbed, she needed more air and then she heard someokenwalk up her steps "go check it out"

The other man left as her father looked back at her "if youd rather die then so be it" he whispered against her ear "you're not worth the rescue" with that he pushed her chair back into the water and let go, raising the gun he pressed it against her brother forehead.....

@flamingshieldwrites

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voidselfshipp · 4 years ago

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All That You Deserve

Cw: food ment and insecurities mention

Valentine x jerico

Ok to rb

Summary: Valentine decides to do something nice to jerico who has never had a proper valentines day

Jerico sat on her bed,sighing and looking away,it was already that damn day.

She couldnt bear to see all of the happy couple being wholesome while she scrolled through her social media.

She wanted to throw her phone against the wall.

Nobody would go through all the trouble only to make this day special, the day where she felt the most shitty.

Its twelve am, her stomach grunts, and as she walks downstairs she smells food.

Not any food but her favorite.

The smell of garlic invaded the house, then the smell of tomato soup,could it be?

"That smells like my dads recipe" she thinks walking down to the kitchen.

--val? What are you doing here?--the vampire Turned around with a smile--oh my dear, goodmorning,I just stopped by to make my favorite person happy on this day --He extended his hand and she took it, Valentine kisses her knuckles pulling her in for a hug.

Jerico hugged back hiding her face in the crook of his neck-- thank you val...

--dont mention it sweetheart~

After eating lunch togheter sitting on the couch, cuddling Valentine Strokes her hair as she sits on his lap--i got you something--he said.

--oh really? What is it?

He pulled a box of chocolates, roses and a card--this--he then kissed her forehead as she snuggled closer.

Taking the letter she opened it up,hearts fluttered around as Rose petals fell on her lap.

She took the piece of paper out and read it to herself,in beautiful and neat handwriting it read.

"My love, im aware that you havent had a good valentines day in your life, that you felt rejected and left as an afterthought.

So,here I am to change it.

I love you,jerico.

If it wasnt for you, I dont know where id be,you make me happy, you made me feel like myself,when my eyes meet with yours,when your glance meets with mine, my heart flutters, my breath hitches, and my cheeks turn darker.

Youre the best thing that has ever happened to me,and for you,my love, let me finish this poem, written by myself.

Roses are red

Violets are blue.

Theres no-one that id rather be than you.

You that makes me wake up every day, you that makes me lose train of thought.

You, I love you.

Because youre the red of my roses

And the blue of my violets.

~Valentine" .

Jeris eyes fill with tears as she puts the letter back on the envelope kissing her boyfriend.

He wipes her tears away ,deepening the kiss, arms around her waist.

--I love you jerico and ill always Will

She pressed her forehead against his, hands on his chest gripping his vest--and i love you too val

-- I Will always be here for you--he caressed her cheek-- ill give you everything you deserve jerico, I want to make you happy

Jeri smiles kissing his forehead--i want to make you happy too val,and right now, I have a very good idea as to how to do that

Valentine raises an eyebrow

--oh yeah? Indulge me.

She kisses him and both fall on the couchs Seat.

This is the best valentines day she has ever had.

#food ment tw #tw// food #tw: food #tw: insecurities #tw//insecurities #valentine tag pending #f/o fic

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bunnyriviere · 4 years ago

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my god i cant get my head out of this mess so imma rant, then MAYBE i can focus on my assignment like damn babe i thought your passion is stats, why are you obsessing over a guy that doesnt care enough. huh? care about stats instead babe!!!!!! i just want to only have to care about maths but i know my life is ruined if i dont have relationships, so i try. but i must suck at it so bad if everything just ends in flame like this, im so tired im teary eyes.

im on my phone and honestly dont know how to do the uh line to cut short the post so if anybody unfortunately see this im sr :(

this is not even about a romantic relationship, i dont even know why i just couldnt like a person like that but damn fine. this is about a male friend i made in grade 11 i guess. i have never liked men. im afraid of them and dont want to have to interact with them ever. i know its bad and i should change but i just really want them away from me im sorry..... so i wasnt even friendly with him, but i was polite, i know how to be a decent person. he was friendly and nice and friends to all which only made me think aw geez just stop being friendly i know this is not because you like me. but i was eating the snack he brought to class anytime he brought it without much thought cause he offered i aint gonna say no. all the while still not consider him a friend. not until a friend said im not being nice if im eating his food while still not seeing him as a friend. and i have always feel bad about not being friendlier towards men in general and he made the 1st move which made it easier for me to just go along. so i did and thats how we became friends.

hes really nice and i mean it. i think really highly of him. maybe its just me having bad luck so i havent met many that are nice?? i really believe they are just myth tbh, im about to settle for that thought. and this guy is really how i wish is the standard for all men. hes just that good, i have no complain. i truly like him and glad that my friend said something cause otherwise we probably wouldnt be friends.

again no romantic feeling. i just have to, remind the invisible audiences of this post i guess.

now we all know covid. and because of it, i couldnt come home and wanted to lay in bed even more than normal. so i didnt push for it when he said he couldnt meet anybody in the summer because he didnt want to accidently give somebody it. just saying that cause this is a 2 ways road right, nothing is ever only his fault, its also mine. i want to rant about my feelings but i dont want to dismiss any mistakes i made yk. so we didnt meet up then.

christmas came and before then we were talking about christmas gift and i didnt wanna any so i didnt prepare anything also. this person is too nice and i dont want him to feel bad. but anw i just thought maybe we can still meet up even if its not for gift exchanging. but i didnt ask or anything at all cause well, hes from here, he has family and friends that are definitely closer to him, and he had work. i know hes busy and if he wanna hang out he know where to find me. i just dont want to accidentally add something more onto his list of to do. he would be too nice to say no. and we are not that close i dont want to add more work for him. i dont have relatives or friends here other than him so im free anytime if he wanted to meet up. but that didnt happen, i dont think we talked at all. which fine i hate to admit but i was hurt. ugh hate showing how vulnerable i am. yuck. yikes. -100/10.

i just didnt think about it? i didnt try to reach out either so that was my fault too but just, if he didnt care then i wont either. so i really didnt think about him anymore.

came reading week! it really was 1 year from the last time i saw him honestly. he asked to meet up and if i want to go somewhere and tbh no im in the countryside rn is that the corect word so there are no place to go. but i remembered this 2ndhand place i like to go sometimes and i hadnt gone in a while so why not. so we agreed on that. and i know he was probably just tired, and there are people who sigh a lot, its not uncommon. but not seeing him for a long while and knowing this is a place i suggested, him doing that really made me feel bad. i probably shouldnt, but couldnt get the thought that he was probably doing this just because hes friendly not because hes friend with me. it fucking sucked. when we got out and he dropped me back at my home i still felt so bad he didnt get to enjoy himself so i asked if we could watch jojo together. yeah he loves jojo. i dont really care for anime im so sr i prefer realing manga lmao sr.

now ok maybe im still being dumb, probably. but tldr i truly believe people can be friends and affectionate even when they are from opposite sex. it didnt work out so well cause i got molested lmao cause some other guy thought that was cool to do. so that honestly worsen my uh wariness of men. but like i said, i think ive said it, i trust this person. honestly i do, we hug a lot and i had never felt afraid of it. i believe he wont do anything. im just really comfortable around him. so we cuddled while watching anime, that had happened before im really sr if you think thats wrong, i still believe that could happen.

but maybe its because i was tense from thinking he really didnt enjoy hanging out with me that much. i kept connecting remembering what the molester did and while i just knew i swear i knew he wouldnt do anything like that, i couldnt get it out of my head. i felt bad for that but there were just 2 things that happened so similar to what happened with the molester. haizz he kinda laced our fingers together but it wasnt handholding, same thing happened once before with m-dude and it felt weird but i didnt want to question that friendship so i didnt. and at some point of jojo i kinda jumped and he held me back, not pulled me back or anything but was holding me in place, and it was probably to make me feel safe but honestly if anybody even use a little bit of force i will just think of when i finally got the courage to turn around to confront the other dude for touching me, he held me back and i couldnt move at all. i think i froze a bit.

argh back to the main story. see how i totally suck? hahaha just blaming this friend for something somebody else did. im so sorry, i suck.

well after that we picked up talking again but idk! was it me overthinking? was it? because it felt like he didnt want to talk to me at all. it was, how to say it. he was friendly yes he talked hmm. damn how-- it felt like he didnt care for what i said. its a feeling idk how to put into words. and that sucks. he didnt seem interested in me before, felt happy enough when we cuddled, then back to being uninterested. i knew i know he doesnt want me romantically. damnit am i only good now for hugs. are we friends? what i meant is not sex but am i only good for physical stuff? i dont fucking know, the m-dude obviously just want a fwb and i was to trusting to notice. is this my gut feeling or my anxiety idk!

another side story. another guy suddenly expressed interested in me right when covid hit but it was because he couldnt get over his ex so i stopped talking to him for a while and picked it back up when i thought he was no longer idk being annoying about it. i thought he had to at least like me as a person to even express he liked me romantically. but apparently not. he looked so uniterested suddenly and denied when i asked, then stopped reading my texts.

so you see. i just cant if haiz ok do- do anybody like me? just as a person? idk.

god i knew i fucking suck for being so sensitive and anxious and im sr for wanting stuff but maybe i want you to look like you care a bit when i said you are reminding me of the m-dude, instead of saying ok we can talk less then. i already felt like you dont want to talk to me, you dont have to say that...

officially crying heyho.

just saying no you dont dont like talking to me when your actions were saying the opposite is not cutting it either... i also thought highly of the covid confession guy too but what happened now. im sorry for comparing you to others! but i learn from experiences... and this was sus... (yah its a joke i cant help it.)

and if i just agreed and stopped talking to him right it just, felt like a confirmation that yeah its true hes just letting me hug him not because im his friend and he knows i like hugs so he lets me. but its more like its convenient that a girl is hugging him so he wont say no. something like that. that sucks. thats all im good for. if i were his friend, it would include the talking too.

ah!! i know we are not close, we are both casual friend. he is definitely not on my top list to tell stuff to but damn i still like him enough to hurt. and to not asking for too much.

so anw i kept talking with the anxiety that never got solved and that made me frustrated and i picked at his insecurity to made him hate me enough to stop talking to me cause i couldnt bring myself to stop, id feel so bad. this is really toxic and i admit this is not the first time ive done it, to a different person but its the same thing.

hahaha act like i hate him while just want him to see how i feel so bad. yeah im a tsundere.

it worked so i stopped talking to him for a week and focused on talking to my other friends. friends i know without a doubt love me and want me because i really didnt feel that with him at all. sorry i know you were tired with covid.

that made me felt better and i was not in panic mode anymore, i can calmly assess things now. and before, i felt bad because i truly believed i was just seeing things, i couldnt see pass my anxiety and was blaming him for what, nothing. he did want to talk to me. but my mind was clearer after that one week and yeah i cant really make more excuses? yes i was sensitive and made things worse, but there must be something for me to pick up first. it didnt just come out of thin air.

so i sent him some texts saying that, because just leaving without a word is bad communication. i have to tell him and at least give him a chance to change i guess? did he need change? im doubting myself.

i- hm he just said yeah his look and way of talking really make him look like hes tired and uninterested, and laughed at my marie kondo joke. you know the one. idk! all i saw in that was yeah thats how it is, accept it. and i-- i, cant? i dont want to... i dont want to :(

but my mindset for just about anything is value the process, not the result, like as long as you put work in! thats great! and he- he was, talking... he put work in..... i would feel so bad to deny it. but at the same time, it was not enough... i hate! to say you need to do at least this and that! but it didnt feel like enough..... im sorry :(((( i am.

ive talked about my tendency to lash out. last time i didnt want it but i had to get away quick so i didnt mean it but i still did it. but this time i was truly angry. because i just wished there was more care for me but i know that was all there was, and i couldnt do anything about it. couldnt even ignore him. he was even drier then, and i got it, i lashed out at him, ofc he wasnt going to be friendly. but just why were you trying so hard... no, no it was not trying hard, you were answering texts at the speed of once every 2 days. why were you answering at all? you clearly didnt want to. but again so was i. did i really have a say.

so i sent angry texts at him. about how fake his friendliness was, did he really consider me friend, why did he keep saying no it was not that he was uninterested while it was obvious that he was. also that i want to fight him. i really do want to. hopefully he will beat me up hard enough that i can be in a coma and die in 9 months idk. (listen 9 months is enough time to make a new human, if im not awake by then, you need to let me go, thats my wish.)

he said that no he doesnt like to fight and thats the last text i got from him.

because ofc i dont hate him him, the whole him idk what im saying. just angry and hate that hes not matching me on how we value this relationship i guess. not besties like how he likes to joke, but eh, was hoping more than what i was sensing. i still sent a text being like ok fine do you still want to talk and if so how do you want me to do. but he didnt answer it in time so i decided for him that nah we wont talk anymore.

heyho i was sad, i am sad. and ok hear me out, HEAR ME, i dont use tarot for future but just for my feelings and how to deal with them, and my deck said ok babe this is the end, you will have to move on now. so i will.

tbh lmao for every relationships that i emotionally invested in. i always make an essay on my feelings because thats how i conclude things, and so i wont forget that my feelings are legit. so the moment i started this post, hes dead to me i guess.

wow this post is long. but i did really like him so.

im moving to uni city next month but i know he will leave in the summer so i wont have to worry about seeing him then. and probably not further in the future either, we go to different uni and are quite far away and our common are not gonna question things i dont think. dont think they would even notice, we are not in a group or anything. and even if i do end up meeting him. my feelings while was anger, but it stemmed from sadness and disappointment so it wouldnt be too bad. on the other hand... m-dude..... i am afraid of meeting you, lets please please please not meet damnit.

#xxxpauline

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madisonrooney · 4 years ago

Note

hi it's your secret santa! first of all HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! i hope you have a wonderful day! how are you celebrating, if you are at all? safely, i hope! either way i hope you manage to find a way to have a great day full of love!! consider my christmas gift a belated birthday gift as well lol. anyway i loved reading your last answer, it was so thoughtful and sweet. i realized after reading that i barely know anything about dove lol so follow up q: what about dove makes you love her so much?

sorry for the late response! the last couple days have been v busy and ive been super tired and dissociative on top of it so i made a point to save this bc i wanted to give it my full attention!

first of all thank you!! i was going to do a virtual meet and greet with one of my favs from jersey boys but he got confused about timezones so we rescheduled but were doing it next week! then i went to a virtual walt disney family museum panel, had pizza for dinner and watched some liv and maddie, my mom made a cookie cake that we ate while watching the grinch musical, and then some friends and i watched the jersey boys movie together over skype!

im so glad you enjoyed reading my last answer! and oof thats another loaded question (i love it tho)

- like i said when first talking about what drew me to her and liv and maddie, a big thing is just how much passion and love she puts into her characters. ofc she puts passion into every character she plays, but its the passion she puts into characters like liv, maddie, and mal that means the most to me. that goes back to the fact that ive dealt with a lot of negativity directed towards me for enjoying disney channel, and then you have dove out here saying “yah im a teenager/twenty-something who not only respects what theyre doing on disney channel, but puts my all into it” not to mention she even won an emmy for playing liv and maddie in season 4! i hope that passion and talent has started to change the conversation about disney channel, and tbh i think it has at least a bit. ofc, none of this is to say other people her age acting on disney channel arent talented and passionate, but idk, something about her has always stood out to me. i find her to be more animated and expressive than most. it can be hard for me to read emotions in live action movies and shows, so thats been really important for me. not to mention she was not only playing the lead but TWO lead characters on a four season show with distinct personalities but also subtle similarities. AND the main character in the biggest DCOM franchise in years for 5 years running now. PLUS the fact that there was a period where those were both happening at the same time. she was only 16 when she started all this and hadnt even had any big roles prior to it!! she had a lot of responsibility so it was amazing to see her not only pull it off, but excel at it.

- i just love like....her aesthetic?? shes always seemed to be a very old soul to me, into old jazz music and poetry and stuff like that. its just very charming. and for her to have that aesthetic on top of being a disney channel actress is a fascinating juxtaposition.

- this is kind of sappy and it gets tiring to hear it said over and over again but that doesnt mean it isnt true: i love how transparent she is about her struggles with mental health issues, trauma, and such. she has been for a long time but even more so over the last year or two. no shade to anyone else, but a lot of actors dont really give you a look into their personal lives, they just share and promote their product. im not saying theres anything wrong with that, its good to know what youre comfortable sharing, ive just felt all the more close to her with her being as open as she is, especially as someone who has gone through trauma myself, albeit different from hers.

- kind of connected to that, i love how important spreading kindness, positivity, and love is to her. thats another thing thats been said a million times but still, its very important to me.

for example. she’ll randomly tweet things like “i love you” a lot. im one to always think of the thought process that goes on behind whatever someone posts, texts, etc., bc personally i put a lot of a thought into pretty much anything i say or do before i put it out there publicly, probably bc of my social anxiety. even tho its a simple statement and takes her a couple seconds to post, she still had to have the thought “i want to remind my fans that theyre loved” or something along those lines. and she has this thought FREQUENTLY. to just randomly get a notification every few days or weeks or so of her saying something like that is just very heartwarming to me.

the reason i connected with miley so much when she helped me through my initial trauma was bc it felt like even if no one loved me, she loves her fans, thus she loves me. thus the person i love and admire the most loves me. even if its only one person, it can be enough. it was for me at the time. i feel that same way with dove. when she came into my life, i didn’t feel as unloved, but her love was still helpful to me.

- of course i need to specifically talk about her kindness in person too. dont get me wrong (ive been saying that a lot havent i lol), i totally and completely loved her long before i met her, but naturally, i love her 10x more after the experiences ive had getting to know her in person.

i could go ONNNNNNN about the experiences ive had with her, and i have lol, and if you already heard me ramble about this in the server i apologize, but the most important thing ive taken away from every encounter ive had with her is this: she always goes the extra mile. she always goes out of her way to make people feel special. what i mean by that is she could say/do HALF as much as she has when meeting me and i would still leave over the moon feeling loved. you can tell she does this in excess bc she really truly means it and cares about people like me, she doesnt have any kind of ulterior motive and isnt just going through the motions doing whats asked of her, she simply cares about me and the rest of her fans. some examples - the first time we met, i was sobbing (lol) and she hugged me for a really long time, rocking me back and forth, brushing my hair with her thumb, calling me sweetheart and honey. she even started to tear up a bit herself. - a couple months later, i went to my first liv and maddie taping. i was preparing to reintroduce myself (i looked a little different bc id been cosplaying as maddie the first time i met her) and ofc when preparing myself, i fantasized pretty heavily as i usually do and pictured myself showing her the pic of us on my phone, her gasping, jumping out of her chair screaming, and hugging me, thinking that was probably way more than i was gonna get. that is EXACTLY what happened. then she went on to tell me how my costume made her whole weekend. things like this would continue to happen where i would set the bar impossibly high and not only would she meet it but she’d exceed it. - our usual interaction from there on would start with her face lighting up when she saw me, her calling me some kind of cute name like love or baby, and then hugging me without me even having to initiate it. - when i saw her in mamma mia, i didnt know when id be seeing her again afterwards after pretty consistently getting to see her for 2 years, so i wanted to make sure we got some kind of closure. at the stage door, i reminded her how much she meant to me and just expected like an “aww i love you too” or something back, but she said “you are an angel in my life” and i will never forget that. obvs, i havent told her ALL the details about what she and her characters mean to me but like...she can tell. she can tell if im in a homemade maddie costume sobbing into her arms that theres something there, and shes VERY appreciative of that. - i thankfully got to see her at a meet and greet a few months later and every time i thought i should get going cuz i didnt want to hold the line up, she would just open her arms for another hug. speaking of being appreciative, she even said “thank you for being such a supportive fan.” as i left, i turned around to say one last goodbye. i made sure she wasnt with the next fan yet and yelled out “bye!” and she yelled back “I LOVE YOU!!” and blew me a kiss. again, its the little things. - i saw her at a small panel in new york a few months after that. she walked in the room when the lights were down as they were playing a clip, she quietly waved hi to everyone, then saw me and loudly whispered HI BABY!!! and stopped on her way to the stage to give me a hug. (then she looked at me from the stage and asked which way i thought she should cross her legs for the interview lol) - sometimes when she sees im next in line, shell give me a knowing smile or whisper “hi baby!!” or something like that. she saw me in the crowd after clueless and seemed to make a point to come to me last bc she knew wed be talking for a while, which we did. she even told me she’d seen me in the audience, asking if i was in the front on the left, which i was.

even all that is still just scratching the surface. weve “known” each other for 5 years now and every time i think she’s done the most she can do, she outdoes herself again. not to mention when im at these events, i see her treat all the fans she meets with all of that kindness too. naturally all of this has made me love her all the more.

- finally, lets just be honest here..........................shes REALLY fucking hot.

#gcwca secret santa #Anonymous

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ryqoshay · 4 years ago

Text

Tri-Arame: Neso Display

Primary Pairing Trio: YuuAyuSetsu Words: ~1.6k Rating: G Time Frame: Sometime during their second year Story Arc: Stand Alone

Author’s Note: Setsu’s reaction to the Kasumin Box was adorable and got me thinking. This is the result.

“Ayumu!” Yuu called. “Ayumu! Look! Look!”

Ayumu turned her gaze to here her friend was pointing excitedly. “Eeeeh?” She recoiled in surprise.

“They finally made merchandise for you guys!” Yuu cried joyously holding up a fan with a picture of Ayumu from a recent photoshoot. “I need to buy something! What to get? What to get?” She began searching the display.

Ayumu felt a strange mixture of embarrassment and pride as she scanned the collection. It felt odd knowing people would be buying items with her image on them, but she was learning to accept the support of her growing fanbase. And the fact that companies deemed their group popular enough to invest in creating merchandise was a testament to the effort everyone had put in, particularly for the recent School Idol Festival.

And of course, Yuu was thrilled, which didn’t come as any surprise, but it made Ayumu happy anyway.

“Ooo… Nesoberis!” Yuu suddenly reached forward to grab a plush. “Look, Ayumu! It’s you!” She held out a small, stuffed version of the redhead. “And it’s almost as cute as you, too!”

“Y-Yuu-chan…” Ayumu felt heat rise in her cheeks.

“Oh, they have Setsuna-chan as well! And Rina-chan! And… looks like everyone. I should take a picture.” Yuu fumbled for her phone. “I’ll bet Ai-chan will want one of Rina-chan.”

“And probably visa versa.” Ayumu found her voice again.

“That’s true.” Yuu agreed. “Say, do you think Kasumi-chan would want one of herself?” She grinned at her own joke.

“Perhaps.” Ayumu chuckled. “Although are you sure she wouldn’t want one of someone else?”

“Hrm…” Yuu considered. “I dunno. Maybe. But she would probably want one of Kasumi-chan.”

“It’s a shame they don’t have one of Yuu-chan.” Ayumu lamented for a moment.

“But I’m not a school idol.” Yuu laughed. “Why would they make one of me?”

“Sorry to keep you waiting!” Setsuna announced as she approached the other two, holding up the bag with her newly purchased manga. “Thanks for coming with me.”

“Ne, Setsuna-chan! Look!” Yuu held out the plush still in her hand.

Immediately, grey eyes began to sparkle. “It’s so~ cu~te!” Setsuna cooed, reaching forward to touch it and practically squealing with delight as Yuu let her take it. “Almost as cute as the real Ayumu-san.” She held it close for inspection.

“I know, right!” Yuu nodded enthusiastically.

Geez, now Setsuna-chan’s doing it too. Ayumu was thankful there were no mirrors around as she no desire to see what her face looked like at that moment.

“And look, they have the whole club!” Yuu motioned dramatically to the display.

As far as Ayumu was concerned, Setsuna looked like she was about to die and go to heaven. And now that the focus seemed to be off her for the moment, she smiled as she watched her friend excitedly examine each version.

“I can’t decide.” Setsuna suddenly said as she stared at her armload of stuffed toys. “I want them all.”

Yuu laughed. “Setsuna-chan is going for a harem.”

The shorter girl shook her head. “A commemoration.” She corrected as her expression became more wistful. “You guys are all the closest friends I’ve had.” She explained. “I haven’t always had the easiest time making friends, what with hiding my hobbies at home and my identity at school.”

“What about the other members of the school council?” Yuu inquired.

“They’re more like coworkers or professional acquaintances. They only know Nana. They don’t know Setsuna, or any of this.” Setsuna motioned to the school idol merchandise.

“I see.”

“Perhaps someday I’ll let them in on the truth, but for now, I’m happy with the friends I’ve made in the club. And making a display of these would help me celebrate that fact.” Her normal smile returned as she hugged the nine nesos. “And I really can’t get over how cute they are.”

“Since you put it that way, I kinda wanna get one of each as well.” Yuu turned back to the display. “But I’m a little short this week, so I may have to collect them a few at a time. So today…” She picked up two “I think I’ll just one of Ayumu and Setsuna-chan. How about you?” She turned to the tallest girl of the three.

“Oh, uhm…” Ayumu scanned the display. “It would feel strange to get one of myself…”

“It’s fine, right?” Yuu shrugged. “Setsuna-chan is getting one of herself too.”

“No, I mean I feel like I should get at least one other…” She picked up one of her own and… Geez, they really are all as cute as Setsuna-chan said. Setsuna-chan… Her hand moved in that direction. “There, now I won’t get lonely.” She joked, holding up the two.

“Ayu-pyon needs her company after all.” Yuu chuckled.

Though that was the reference to which she herself had alluded, Ayumu still wasn’t quite used to hearing that nickname. But that was fine for now.

With new purchases to be made by all three, the girls headed to the registers.

Setsuna stood back and admired her newly set up display, the first idol themed thing she had put out in the open in her own room now that her parents had accepted her participation in the club. They were still slowly coming around to anime, so Setsuna hadn’t broken out everything from her storage places in her closet, at school and with various friends. However, a small shrine to school idols was probably alright now, especially since they represented her friends.

Her friends…

She stepped over to her desk and picked up her phone. She then aligned a shot of the collection, took it and sent it to the other members of the club through their group chat. Almost immediately, responses started to come in from the other girls and Setsuna smiled as she read the positive comments.

Idly, Setsuna picked up the Ayumu neso. It was a shame there wasn’t a Yuu to go with it, but Yuu wasn’t an idol. Still, Setsuna thought it would be a cute one. Cute… They were all cute. However, despite someone like Kasumi proudly proclaiming her cuteness, Setsuna found she much preferred the pure and unassuming cuteness of someone like Ayumu. She touched the tiny bun on the side of the Ayumu’s head and smiled.

Ayumu had shown Setsuna how to make the stylized bun surrounded by braids a while back. Setsuna had managed to do it on her own, not once but twice, to give herself twin buns during the club’s summer camp. However, in doing so, she had realized she preferred letting someone else do it for her. Someone more skilled and who seemed to enjoy working with hair. Someone like Ayumu.

Wait, what am I doing? Setsuna blinked back to reality as she realized she had been hugging the nesoberi tightly to her chest while lost in her thoughts. But… was that actually wrong? Hugging cute plushies was a normal thing to do, right? Even when they looked like…

Blushing, Setsuna put the nesoberi back in its place and went to her desk to study for a while. However, every now and again, she found herself glancing back over at her new display of idol merchandise. And each time she couldn’t help smiling as she recalled why she wanted all of them.

She was glad she hadn’t decided to wait to collect all of them like Yuu and Ayumu were doing. Sure, she would have to put off getting a couple new books immediately upon their release for the next month or two, but it had been worth it.

Her attention kept returning to the nesoberis even as she closed her books and started getting ready to turn in for the night. Part of her wanted to take one down again and bring it to bed with her, but another part of her was hesitant, stuck on trying to decipher the details of the desire.

Her phone vibrated.

TakasakiYuu: Sorry for the late reply

TakasakiYuu: I lost track of time working on new songs for you guys

TakasakiYuu: Hope you havent already gone to bed

TakasakiYuu: If so sorry if I woke you up

ScarletStorm: I’m still awake

TakasakiYuu: Oh good

TakasakiYuu: I wanted to show you my display

TakasakiYuu: Ayumu already got to see it in person

TakasakiYuu: She even helped me figure out where to put them

A picture arrived showing the Ayumu and Setsuna nesoberis on the bookshelf beside Yuu’s keyboard, turned such that it looked like they were watching.

TakasakiYuu: Normally Id have them facing out into the room

TakasakiYuu: But when I turn them like this its kinda like you two are here with me to help me when I get stuck on something

TakasakiYuu: Its already helped me twice tonight

TakasakiYuu: I dont think Ill have room for all seven like this

TakasakiYuu: Well I mean I can fit them all here on the shelf when I get them

TakasakiYuu: But theres really only room to turn two like this

TakasakiYuu: But thats alright

TakasakiYuu: Im happy its at least you two

ScarletStorm: That’s a cute idea

ScarletStorm: I love it

ScarletStorm: Thanks for showing it to me

TakasakiYuu: Anyway I hope you guys like what Ive written

TakasakiYuu: Ill have something to listen to before practice tomorrow

ScarletStorm: I’m sure it will be good

ScarletStorm: I’ll look forward to it

TakasakiYuu: Have a good night!

TakasakiYuu: Sleep well!

ScarletStorm: You as well

Setsuna turned off the screen of her phone and set it next to her clock in her headboard.

Sleep well… She would sleep well while snuggling something soft and cute…

With that thought in mind, she grabbed her Ayumu nesoberi again and lay down. It was fine just for one night, right? She had a test coming up the next day and needed a good night of rest. And if Yuu had new material to work on, practice would be intense as well, so she would also need to sleep well for that.

Setsuna hugged the plush to her chest and closed her eyes.

Author’s Note Continued in Followup Post

#YuuAyuSetsu #Takasaki Yuu #Yuki Setsuna #Uehara Ayumu #Tri-Arame #Love Live Nijigasaki #fanfic

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bothwolvesandgirls · 4 years ago

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Finally, my thought on the ONE concert because it was fucking incredible and my dancer ass is so happy (this will be mostly the solo stages)

Persona: This one gave me a jumpscare because i thought the mannequins were mannequins and not dancers :)) I loved the “choreo” even though it was very simple -although id say that having to remember “mannerism” is a challange since joon had to make it seem very natural while the dancers copied him. Also holy growl

Shadow: I forgot how much heavy lifting Yoongi does just with his breath control and keeps you completely focused on him even if hes doing “nothing.” It kind of reminded me of his First Love stage where the things happening around dont matter at all, thats just decor. Also, didnt miss the mistake one of the dancers made on d2 (didnt flip the phone quite rigth ;))

Black Swan/Jimin Solo: not technically a solo but the love i have for Black Swan is something else. The first time Jimin started his solo i literally gasped and i cried both days. His technique is incredible which we all knew already. He brings so much emotion so easily, loved the little changes he put, the way he can just look like he got his strings cut off, the control of his muscles AAAAAAAA

My Time: Yes, Jungkook sexy, this guy turned 23 and we havent known peace ever since. I love how much he just owns the stage, commands it as he wishes, the evolution of his solos is so much fun to watch. Also yes, I would love to kiss the stylyts for All of This.

Filter: Put d1 and d2 side by side and you will see the solid proof of Jimin’s filter, he changed the mood for day 2 and its such a subtle thing but also genius. I have a huge fear of changing clothes on stage -so many things go wrong- so for him to put on and off multiple jackets is Impressive. Also yes, the quick change. And yes, the Hips. Fuck You Park Jimin

Moon: This was????? Adorable?????? Jin is the Little Prince????? The Choreooo?????? It was just so wholesome??? and comforting????? It honestly felt like a hug from Jin and loved it soo muchhhhhhhh. Also the Fox Dancers lmaooo

Inner Child: In a similar fashion to Yoongi, Tae can also hold his own just by being him. Its such a simple stage -and yes i did just call a fucking carasoul simple- but Tae carries so much emotion with him through the entire song. That little kid had no idea what was going on but i respect him for that. Also ami you cant sing for shit lmaoo not to be rude but we all know right?

Ego: In the most Sunshine way, its such a Hobi thing to have a simple but fun choreo that everyone can join and do. I just kept smiling through this entire song, its such a serotonin boost and a nice reminder that hobi dominates any stage hes on. Loved the end when they all come together and just goof

UGH!: A cage match to symbolise the hatred and how theyre a spectacle to be watched on? Yes please. rapline works So Good together and this showcased it so well, adore the build up to hobis entrance and the way he pops off after that *chefs kiss* also that hilarious moment during d2 when Joon was actually towering over Yoongi and the moment when hobi tried to push joon but the man didnt move an inch was hilarious

Zero O’clock: and from the gay cage fight to Pretty Princes just like that and somehow it doesnt feel weird. I love the way vocal line sing together and harmonise, love the choreo, love everything about it

It was sooooo worth hunting down streaming links for two days

#BTS #bangtan sonyeondan #bangtan boys #adventures of lara

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fiftyshadesgrl · 5 years ago

Text

Consumed part 3

(Y/n)'s pov

I stood there for what seemed like forever just staring at the man i had loved so long ago. It seemed like forever ago that i was really truly happy with him. I set my food and drink down on the side table beside the couch, "you broke into my house?"

He nodded, "you wouldnt talk to me."

I gritted my teeth trying to control my anger. Why should i control my anger, he should feel every bit of it. "You dont deserve to talk to me. You dont deserve to be sitting here on my couch, in my home, demanding i talk to you."

His eyes fell to the floor, good i want him to hurt. I want him to suffer for everything he done to me. "Im sorry." He whispered., his eyes found mine and i could see the tears there. My heart ached a little for him but then i remembered that he done this.

"I dont care dean. I dont care if youre sorry, i dont care if you have missed me. You done this. The only person you can blame is yourself."

"Why did you try to kill yourself?" Deans question shocked me. I faltered with my anger for a moment but i regained my composure.

"Damn it sam." I growled under my breath but dean heard it.

He stood from the couch and took a step forward. "Dont blame sam. He shouldnt have had to tell me. You should have been the one to do that, why did you lie to me?"

"Lie!? You wanna talk about lying! You cheated on me and lied to me every night. We were together dean, you had a perfectly good woman at home and yet you chose to go after every waitress and barmaid you could find. When i woke up in the hospital you reeked of alcohol and some other womans perfume." I lowered my voice to a cold flat whispered. "You never cared about me, if you did you would have never cheated. So why would you care if i tried to kill myself?"

I could see the tears rolling down his cheeks but even though it pained me to see him hurting i would never let him close to me again. "I love you (y/n), i still do. I cared about you more than anything and i still have no idea why i did what i did. I guess its because i knew you could do better and i wanted you to see that. Now i realize i cant live without you i dont want to live without you. I know you will probably never trust me again but i hope one day you will."

I closed my eyes at the words i have always been wanting to hear from him. I felt my walls tumbling down inside and my heartbeginning to be exposed again. I felt his hads on either side of my face, his thumb rubbing the tears off my cheeks. Then i snapped back to reality.

I placed my hands on his chest and shoved him backwards, catching him off guard. "No! You dont get to tell me you love me! You dont get to come and go as you please! You dont get to swoop in like a knight in shining armor and try to sweep me off my feet. Just because youre telling me everything that i have wanted to hear doesnt mean im dumb enough to fall for it. Its to late dean, you shouldve realized what you had when you had it. Now you have to live the rest of your life knowing you will be alone, forever."

My words were a little harsh but he deaerved it. I walked to the front door and opened it. "Get out of my house. I dont care where you go, just get out." He stood in the hallway not moving and it began to frustrate me even more. "I mean it dean, get the hell out of my house."

He walked towards the front door with his head hung low. He turned right before he was on the porch and looked at me. "I really did break you." With that he walked down my front steps and back to his car. I slammed the door and locked it not looking back.

I picked my phone and called sam, he picked up on the second ring. "(Y/n)?"

I sighed into the phone, "yeah sam, dean just left."

"And?" Sam said hesitantly.

"Well i threw him out actually. I made it clear that i never want to see him again. He left just now and i dont know if hes coming back to the bunker or not."

"I understand. When do you want to meet to talk about the case?" Sam changed the subject and im thankful that he did. If i talked about dean any longer i would lose it.

"Tomorrow good for you? You can meet me here at my house if you want, or we can meet somewhere else." Finally picking up my pizza that was cold once again and my luke warm beer, i took a swig and grimaced. I hate warm beer but i didnt care at the moment.

"Ill come to you, ill text you when i leave here."

"Okay, see ya then." I said around a mouthful of pizza then hung up. I turned the tv on, flipping through the channels to find there was nothing on. I settled on a old game show rerun as i finished my pizza and beer. My eyes began to feel heavy and the exhaustion from the last few days finally hit me full force.

I heard my cell phone going off alerting me that i have missed messages. I dont rememver falling asleep but i must have been more tired than i thought. I slept all night and half of the day, i looked at my phone and it was one thirty in the afternoon. I had three text messages from sam.

'You up?'

'Hey sleepyhead, get up we have work to do.'

'Okay now im getting worried. On my way.'

Just as i read the last message a rap of knuckles was heard on my front door. I jumped up and walked to the front door to find sam peeking in my window. I smiled and opened the door, "you a peeping tom now?"

"Very funny." He chuckled. "You wasnt answering my texts and you never sleep in this late." He walked inside giving me a tight hug before going into the living room. I shut the door and followed him, sitting next to him on the couch.

"Wheres dean?" I have no idea why i asked about dean and seeing sams expression he didnt either.

"I dont know, i havent seen him. He didnt come back to the bunker last night." Sam shrugged his shoulders like this was a normal thing. Which with dean it probably was.

"So, last night was supposed to be a werewolf hunt but it turned out that these werewolves are working together with vampires." I said as i walked to the kitchen to get us some beer.

"What the hell?" He took the beer from my hand and twisted the cap off. "Vampires and werewolves do not work together."

I shrugged, "well these do. I fought with the vampire last night and cut his head off. I think i might have shot one of the werewolves to im not sure. We have to do something before this blows up in our face."

"Before what blows up in our face?" I froze at the gravely voice that sounded from behind us. Sam seemed to tense up as well watching for my reaction.

I turned towards him, he had a smirk on his face as he leaned against the door frame. "You just cant take a hint can you? Youre not wanted here."

Sam was taken back by my harsh words to his brother. Dean shook his head and looked at sam, "so this is how it is. Im out and sams in now?"

"What are you talking about dean?" Sam said confused.

"You swooped in the moment im out of the picture. I always knew there was something between you two." Dean growled the last bit between gritted teeth.

I couldnt help but laugh, "sam is here because i still like him. He never lied to me. He never hurt me, i trust sam."

Sam sighed, "theres nothing between me and her. Im helping her with a case."

Dean then walked around and sat in the recliner across from us. "In that case im all ears."

"Just humor him for the moment. Im in no mood to argue." I knew id regret not making him leave again but at this point in time i didnt care.

@an-unhealthy-obsession @vicmc624 @holylulusworld @justanotherwinchester @tftumblin

#dean winchester #dean x reader #deanwinchester #supernatural #dean x you #deanwinchestersmut #spn

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lizzodorito · 5 years ago

Text

quick vent

because i legit have no where else to put this sort of feeling and just.. writing it in a book or a doc just... isnt as cathartic. Hope this just fades into the void, please dont bother reading it.

Hey. screw proper grammar and spelling I just need to get thihis out.

my name is liz and hoenstly fuck this website because last time i actively used it for something other than mandolorian memes or sims mods/cc my ex boyfriend was fucking stalking me on it and catfishing me and comfort me by sending me those ask lists and i... i dunno if im over that. Fuck you Sven.

not the point, just wha t I have to think about every single damned time I find myself here no matter what.

I am so lonely. I dont have many friends at all and the ones I do are out to use me or not Get Into It with me, thouhg fair because im a shit load of a lot to deal with i guess. other friends i have are pretty backstabbing and they refuse to properly grow up and LIVE and THINK FOR OTHERS AND ALSO THINK FOR THEMSELVES WITHOUT IT HAVING TO BE DEFINED BY HOW PROUDLY TERRIBLE THEIR MENTAL HEALTH IS FUCK

And then i get shit for it

love being used guys hell yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah no i dont i hate it so much literally when was the last time anyone loved me right outside of my family and even so its not like my parents treat me well. mother you may have improved drastically, but similar to my self esteem, its still very much BELOW PAR and i hate having to witness both.

I am so lonely.

I go so long without saying any word sometimes, its a wonder i stil breath, although sometimes when i was young id forget to.

why is it that i get more depressed when i come back to the family home

does anyone else understand being family oriented to a family that really for the majority doesn’t treat you the same?

The voice in my head wont stop. it wont stop telling me all the ways i have potentially fucked my budding friendships with my new friends isha and matt

how am i a person who shares so little yet so much

BUT MY LORD THANK YOU these are people who... who are considerate and are processing what i am saying and are thinking of me

but how fucked up am i

and will that push them away

im often distasteful but all the same complex and layered and so useful and so interesting

and that’s why often enough it seems people dont put in the effort, or frankly, dont give a shit about me once i requrie effort, though their “care” for me beofre then was only for their own benefit.

im exhausted

One of my best internet friends was raped and i was the one who revealed that to her and she just didnt realize it yet and i havent been able to fall asleep without thinking about it

i have needed to cry for over a week now and i haVent gotten to still i am so sad i am SO SAD

I am so charming yet cannot help being alone no matter how enjoyable i am for others to have around

Matt

He makes me question if im asexual

But I am only a human

porbably deifntieyl still asexual

but too much all the same

Im just lonely and touch starved probably (more than usual to be clear) and want to be hugged and loved and he’s so smart and we talk for hoours and comfortably, for me, occupy eachothers’ space we talk for

hours.

this is becoming poetry.

I feel like i am beginning to sound like a hobo johnson broken record

stop being poetic fuck off liz

he;s so

I havent been hopeful like this in people for a long time

we went to a museum to support isha (she had to do a project that invovled socializing so ya know the inrovert crew (though i dont know fi matt considers himself one)) and we just were togeter (in rather close proximinity) just speaking in accents, partly hoping to excite the strangers crowding everywhere about “foriegners” being here at the exhibit... but i think it was mostly just for us. for our fun

because voices is what we like to do

i love voice acitng

he committed to it, i fell out of it more times than he did and he gets more specific with accents than i do

he likes what i do

he loves the characters and my many talents

he loves my writing

he wants me to join his dnd campaign over the summer with his friends

is it for me?

does he want... me

or just my character maggie that everyone loves

he wants me to join the campign he’s in npw with his friends, as he’s a player character and not a dm as he would be over the summer

he doesn’t quite get how lonely i am

i worry i made him and isha uncomfortable last night... i joked about actually being loved properly

he immediately looked at me strange, me not realizing the joke was taken as truth

“Liz, is there something you need to talk about?”

“Oh! Oh, well, um...” hi i come from an abusive family and you both dont realize how much it meant to me that you wanted me to come and are consitently telling me and thanking me for coming because... you’re telling me im good company and its been so long since i have had real friends or gone out with friends and ACTUALLY FULLY AND COMPLTELY HAD A GOOD TIME OH MY GOSH YOU DONT EVEN KNOW I AM SO SHY ABOUT ALL OF THIS BECAUSE HOLY FUCK I CANT EVEN ASK HOW I BECAME SUCH A BASKET CASE BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW I ALRWADY KNOW I ALREADY KOW I ALRADY KNOW AND I HAVENT’ GOTTEN TO REALLY TELL ANYONE IN SO LONG WITHOUT THEM LEAVING ME

its been so long since ive been understood by a peer

(hi my name is liz and i am weepign right now)

“No, not yet at least.”

*isha laughs and it joined by matt soon. I’m smiling comfortably. I genuinely have a soft, contented hope i might get to tell them at least some of it one day.*

“not yet at least! sorry matt you have to be at least a level 4 friend to learn the tragic backstory”

thank you isha for lightening the mood

thank you for making the joke so many people who gave less than a fuck about me got offeneded at and confused when i made it so often years ago.

my comment was laughed off, we continued to watch the critical role espidoe i had missed

soon it was just matt and i. isha was to bed.

just him and i, and i, like id been all night (concious but making the decision to pipe down and trust the people around me), was all curled up, very relaxed and off my posture, sinking into the couch. MAtt was always upright ish. sometimes hed sink a bit or rest his hips on their side curl a little rest his head, but not as intesely as i did

sometimes he’d scoot closer to me, sometimes hed scoot away. sometimes hed move his legs so our knees would touch. i dont mind (not because i was finding it romantic, im not twelve, i just am understadning of the small situation we are in and its a knee for crying out loud) i wonder if i was taking up too much space with the way i’d sit comfortaly. I wonder if he thought so.

i would be lying if i said i didnt imagine us actually having contact with eachother. cuddling platonically.. on multiple occassions.

I have an imagination that thinks of everything and so many scenarios all at once and all the time after all

i was comfortable with the idea but

it would be a bigger lie to say i wasnt absolutely and perfectly content wiht the way it did go.

i dont thiink i will ever know if he was comofrtable on that couch or more so if it was me he was comfortable or uncomfrtoable with.

I will respect him to tell me.

he;s good at eyecontact and its comfrotable enoguh where i dont have to look away (it’s been a problem i never used to have recently)

I’d peek up at him when he’d talk to me

i felt young again

when the stream was over he got up to leave.

i dont know if we daudled. dawdled? yep thats the word

i dont know if we did

we made small talk

shitty jokes that he declared wouldn’t be the last thing we said to eachother that evening

i agreed.

the last words that night were goodnights.

me with my raspy evening voice from a day full of talking and him with a look over the shoulder from the hall as the door closed behind him

he was obviosuly very slap happy sleepy as he was talking about the light not being too bright in the hall (to his happiness)

it was a nice night

when was the last time i went to bed so happy? thanking God over and over and praying for my friend i mention way earlier

i didnt even have to drown my insomnia with a youtube video

i just went to sleep

2 am

i hope the weather continues

- jaques cruzio, pink panther

now im just in bed

at the family home

not my dorm

fighting my depression (its been three hours, i was getting exhausted by 9:30 due to it) as i rest

i was curled in a ball, slumped and face planted, arms slumped when i decided i need to talk to someone, or say something mroe than what i vented to my little sister (small bits about how lonely i feel and how i worry ive fucked things up) hours ago

and here we are

12:14 am

just some broken twenty something asexual with a mind that’s usually over sixty talking about the amazing people i met two weeks ago while in the background i think about the girl i used to be the boss of (online moderator work) and how she’s essentially in love with her idea of me and how i make her feel... and not just for me.

i am mysterious and cool and smart and hot and talented and useful to her.

I want to be complex and dedicated and helpful and pretty and so skilled and hardworking and wanted for me.

i want to be considered and deserving and im hoping that isha, matt and my other two roommates can help start to fill that hole in my life

because, God, so far they have so much potential for it in my eyes

(so far)

thanks for listening, void.

actually feeling quite a bit better. the misery is still lingering, i wonder if i should cry more. But, i can breathe easier and my eyes dont feel dead. I just am tired and am prepared to enjoy things again.

proabbly will watch claire from BA make jelly beans.

or the Noel Miller guy isha told me about.

I dont know if it’s appropriate if i downloaded matt’s contact into my phone from when isha put us both in a groupchat together and i hope its not weird and i hope maybe he did the same, but by God i dont think i’ll be texting him first.

i like in person better.

with anyone.

always have

i have so much more on my mind

#me

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ninzied · 6 years ago

Text

another kind of goodbye

for @carry-the-sky. happy birthday, my friend! have a little post-cancellation kastle fic.

It’s three months, give or take, when Frank lets himself think about her again. Really think about her. Not in the passing kind of way, where he’s walking down some street and sees a bouquet of gardenias, like the kind he’d almost gotten her instead of the roses that day. Or when he’s sipping on coffee, and Karen’s face flashes like a mirage at him across the cheap Formica table – blonde hair almost white under the shit diner lighting, but those eyes still so blue as she told him he would never lie to her.

So – okay, so he thinks about her. He thinks about her.

(He wonders if she—)

Frank eventually makes his way back to the city again, after. Another day, another job. Madani thinks he’s meant for something greater than this – than picking off these scum-of-the-earth kinds of assholes that litter the streets of a place like New York.

He can’t believe that he was meant for greater, but. Sometimes, he does wonder. If a part of him – whatever part of him that’s not still buried deep down in the ground with his family – was meant to come back here. To walk these streets and feel the pull of her, always, even when that’s all he can afford to feel.

He tells himself that has to be enough.

He’s been laying low, since his return. Coughed up some cash for a three-hundred-square-footer in Brooklyn, but he crosses the bridge to the city most days, maybe even finds his way to Hell’s Kitchen from time to time too. It’s risky, he knows. If Murdock catches wind of him, they’d be lucky to walk away from each other in one piece. And Karen…

There’d be a different kind of hell to pay, if Karen ever found out.

His phone gives a single buzz in his pocket as he’s hunkering his way down 47th, and he stops in his tracks, nearly colliding with an elderly woman in the middle of the sidewalk.

“Excuse me!” she says in a shrill voice, bag clutched tight to her chest.

“Apologies, ma’am,” he nods as she makes a show of putting as much distance between them as possible, and then he fishes his phone out, hesitating for one absurd moment before glancing down at the screen.

Back in town yet, Castle?

He barks out a laugh. Chrissakes, Madani.

His phone buzzes again.

I have a job for you, if you’re still interested.

“Still,” mutters Frank, with a scoffing shake of his head. He thinks he admires her perseverance, but Madani’s gotta know she’s only wasting her breath.

He cuts south down 10th, toward Lincoln Tunnel. It’s a brisk day, and the wind on his face feels sharper than usual, considering he hasn’t bled much there in a while. He jams his hands deeper into his pockets, ignoring the insistent drone of Madani’s follow-up call.

He’s got a date with a park bench on the wrong side of town, and if he closes his eyes, he can pretend it’s the same bridge overlooking the water, and when he opens them again Karen’ll be there, waiting for him.

…

His closest call comes with, of all people, the lawyer. Not Red – the other one. Franklin Nelson.

Frank’s emerging with coffee two storefronts down just as another door opens, and he’s cursing himself for not seeing the signs when out tumbles Nelson with his back turned, adjusting his tie against the wind.

“Foggy bear, wait!” someone else is laughing, and a blonde lady steps out to chase after him, slinging a purse over her shoulder and reaching with her other hand to link around his elbow.

“I told him this was gonna make me late for work,” grumbles Nelson, but without any heat to the words. “Dad’s surprise party isn’t until tomorrow, don’t know why this couldn’t have waited – oh, crap, I forgot I told Karen I’d pick up some coffee—”

Nelson’s about-facing sharply, girlfriend following closely behind. He doesn’t appear to notice Frank crouched down in a corner by the 7-Eleven, hood obscuring half his face as he trains his eyes on the ground by their feet. The girl unearths some coins from her bag as they pass, clinking them onto the lid of Frank’s coffee cup without seeming to hear his low mutter of thanks.

He’s leapt up the moment he hears the door latch shut, brushing the coins into his palm as he goes.

He leaves them with a guy camped out by the train stop, a dog lifting her head from their blankets to blink sleepy eyes up at Frank, and he walks away harder, takes the steps two at a time and wishes – God he wishes—

…

Another text from Madani.

He shuts his phone off. Goes back to retrieve it ten seconds later from the trash can that he’d dumped it in, wiping it down and scowling as her message pops up on the screen.

Castle – offer still stands, FYI.

“You should call her back,” advises a man huddled down by the newsstands next to him. His face is like leather, worn down and weathered with age, with living. “Apologize for whatever it is that you did, so you don’t end up out here like me.”

“Already there,” Frank tells him, turning the phone over and over in his hand. Madani’s message lights up again each time, flashing and flashing until he sees it like a burn through his retinas even when the phone’s no longer facing him.

“Damn. That’s a damn shame.” The guy shifts, scratching at a spot on his back. “Maybe shouldn’t’ve stayed away from her for so long.”

Frank shakes his head, uttering a short, incredulous laugh. “Well, maybe I got my reasons, yeah? You think about that?”

“Doesn’t matter what I think,” shrugs the guy. “Does she think they’re any good? These reasons of yours?”

Frank turns away, jaw working furiously.

“Yeah.” The guy shouldn’t have any right to sound as smug as he does, and yet. “Yeah, I didn’t think so.”

…

He’s got no place in coming here. He knows it. He knows it, but he thinks it was always meant to be this way, him circling back around to her, even after everything that he’s done to push her away. Maybe a part of him had never left. And the rest is just – there, hovering right at the edge of some sharp realization, that he could try to be whole again if he simply took that first step. And a part of Karen must at least sense that. It’s why she’d never really given up on him, before.

It doesn’t change how I feel about you.

Frank wonders if she’d forgive him this time. If he’d even want her to.

It wouldn’t be anything close to what he deserves, that’s for goddamn sure.

He gazes up at her fire escape, counts the number of steps it would take just to be able to reach that bottom rung from his vantage point across the street. Her shades are drawn, the lines of them blurred out in the dim orange light. On one corner of the windowsill, wedged up against the glass, there’s a small stack of books. On the other, a vase. From this angle, the shadows folded into the fabric of her curtains look almost like flower stems.

Frank squints, and the stems disappear.

…

There’s about a week in between, where he feels himself inching closer to something, each time he drops by her block. He never goes farther than the patch of sidewalk across from her building, but it’s getting harder not to just careen over the ledge.

More than anything, he wishes he knew, in those moments obscured in half-darkness, whether he’s come to look for that after she’d spoke of, or if he’s come to say goodbye.

Then, one day he spots flowers in her window, for the first time since—

(They’re pale white against the cream of her curtains, their stems dark slivers of green, and he imagines them pricking the pad of his thumb, drawing up a spot of blood.)

Frank takes a deep breath.

…

She doesn’t look surprised to see him when she opens the door, swinging it back two-thirds of the way before stopping. Her lips are pressed tightly together, like there’s too much to say, or maybe there’s things that she can’t, either way he can’t read her and he thinks she’s never terrified him more.

Frank drops his gaze, mouth moving soundlessly until the words grind their way out. “How’d you know I was here, Karen?”

He’s not sure what kind of answer he’s expecting. That Nelson had grown a real pair of eyes, or that Red had managed to ferret him out of his lurking somehow. Or maybe Karen really just hadn’t known at all, and those flowers were never for him.

What Karen says instead is, “Dinah and I grab a beer together, sometimes.”

“That right?” he asks, trying to lay out an image of this in his mind. It sits strangely there, stumping him for a moment, and some of his bewilderment must show on his face because Karen’s mouth almost turns up in a smile before flattening again.

She leans away from the doorjamb, waving her hand in a worn-looking gesture before letting it drop to her side. “Besides, you…haven’t exactly been subtle, in your haunting of Hell’s Kitchen.”

He doesn’t know what to say to that, other than a gruff, “’S’what dead men do, Karen,” as she folds her arms and sighs at him.

“You sure you’re not just losing your touch, Frank?” She steps into the doorway, whether to move closer to him or to block him out of her apartment, he can’t tell. “Or was it because you wanted me to know but couldn’t tell me to my face?”

His eyes snap up to hers, twitching slightly under the sharp weight of her gaze. He shakes his head, wishing he could just ask her, What do you want from me, Karen? but they’re long past that now, and if he can’t find his own way to answer her, then.

God, he really doesn’t deserve this woman.

“I think I—” He shifts his body and tries again. “I think I needed to figure some things out. Karen. I was waiting 'til I felt like I was ready, and I don’t think I’ll ever be that.” But I’m here, he wants to say, but I’m here.

“Yeah.” Karen’s nodding, hair falling into her face, and she brushes it back, resting her chin in her palm for a moment. “I know that, Frank.” All of the fight in her seems to have ebbed slowly back, and he resists the urge to reach out and shake the storm back into motion, to make her understand she doesn’t get to let him off the hook so easy.

The look she gives him now is softer, but he knows. Fight’s not done. May never be done. And he knows this because he knows he’ll never stop fighting for her.

She’s stepped back into the door, letting it swing open further. She doesn’t invite him in, but she’s quirked an eyebrow up at him, biting her lip with another deep sigh and a shake of her head.

“You, uh.” Frank glances back and forth at their surroundings, doesn’t quite meet her eye. Tries to lighten his tone through the gruffness as he asks her, “So, you wanted to see me?”

Her voice is soft, forbearing, with a hint of gentle knowing behind it. “You didn’t?”

She’s holding back the clear start of a smile from him this time, and Frank. Christ. It’s taking everything in him not to step toward her, to—

Karen tilts her chin at him, the motion loosening another wave of blonde hair, and he can’t remember anymore why he was trying so hard to stand back from all this. He’s moving, swaying forward until she’s just an arm’s length away, and there’s something almost teasing about the way she relaxes her shoulder into the door as she watches him.

“You back to kill some people, Frank?”

He feels a corner of his mouth turn up. This girl. He licks his lips, lets out a quiet sort of laugh. “That was the plan, yeah.”

Karen gazes up at him, unblinking. “Have you?”

“I was—” Frank has to look away for a moment, finally turning back when he can. His eyes are steady, boring into hers, voice low and full with meaning. “I was. Working on it.”

Karen nods. Doesn’t speak for long seconds, and he measures them out in heartbeats, chest tightening hard enough it feels like it might break when she asks him, very carefully, “Still?”

Frank steps closer, close enough to feel the way her breath shakes with a small sigh, how her body moves away from the door to meet him.

His hand is inches from hers, but he doesn’t reach for her. Not yet.

She waits, gaze searching. He gives the barest shake of his head, and a single word, gravel-filled, a promise. “No.”

Something cracks open in her expression, and it means everything to him, her head ducking away as though she can’t have him looking too closely at the way she's biting back that smile of hers, and he thinks – he thinks he wants to make her do it again, and again, for as long as she will have him.

“Would you like to come in, Frank?”

He takes her hand in his this time, feeling the pull of her as he steps across the threshold, door shutting firmly behind them, and it feels like coming home.

#kastle #kastleff #kastle ff #kastlenetwork #kastledaily #happy belated birthday haley!!!!!!#sorry for the unpolishedness #i may go back and edit it up a bit later lol #but i wanted to have something for you because you've been so lovely and welcoming!#i can't thank you enough!

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telling-our-stories · 5 years ago

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Coming out stories

A heads-up. These are the original stories, however, they are anonymous. This wasn't intentional, I just screwed up and didn't tag. These stories, aren't mine, so if I've posted yours and you want it taken down. Please, just ask me.

Alright.

I am tired of people who are against the LGBTQ+ community. Its alright to have an opinion. It is not alright to put people down for being themselves. The first pride was a riot, a fight for what they believe in. I'm trying to do the same. I'm trying to gather the stories of the fallen, the ones who are still standing, the people who are willing to fight for everything they are. And I am fully willing to take a stand and fight to prove we exist. To prove that we're here, and we aren't backing down.

Hello, my name is Dustyn. I'm here today to collect stories from the LGBTQ+ community. There's a lot of people who are against us, which is exactly why we need to stand our ground. I'm not asking for a fight, I'm asking for your stories. My story is not yet finished, though I'm a bisexual trans male. Our stories are important, because they show who we are and how far we've come. I've struggled a lot in my life, but I've made it. So have others. Here are some of those stories. We'll start with mine. I've gone through many identities, mostly trying to figure myself out. I'm still doing that. My family doesn't accept me for me, but I have many friends who do. There are so many accepting people in life, and I appreciate all of you who are proud to be who you are. Whether closeted or not, you are all valid and amazing.

"Hello my name is Melissa and i am bisexual. My family didn't really have a harsh reaction to it other than the fact that they didn't understand it at first. That was most of my trouble was people saying that bisexual wasnt valid. Im sorry mine is so short but i think the moral is that you are valid. No matter what you identify as on any spectrum in the LGBTQ+ community. Also even if your outside of the LGBTQ+ community and your just an ally. We love you and you are all valid.”

"Salutations everyone. My name is Talan. I am non binary, panromantic and i am currently between asexual and demisexual. I was raised in a very christian household where my mother and father had very strict beliefs. They believed that being anything but straight and to me being anything other than my assigned gender was a sin, and many people still say that to me. When I came out to my dad he flipped, he took me out of school for a year and put me in online school. During this time in my life I had reached a dark time where i thought that it was never going to get better but trust me it does. I am still living with my dad who does not accept me and at this point we don't talk that much, but it does get better. We have gotten to the point where we can have a civil conversation with each other and im back in school. I have an amazing girlfriend and multiple qpps who i love very much. Everybody at school is very loving and supporting. Remember that family is not chosen for you, you make your own family. If you ever feel down than just know that there are so many amazing and kind people in the world who love you for who you are, no matter what that may be. You are loved."

“I'm glad you reached out to me, anything to help people understand more about the LGBTQ+ community. I am 19 now and I came out to my family at the age of 14. My parents were the typical ones who said it was just a phase and it would not last but here I am five years later and I made it through. There was a point where I had no one to turn to but then i met my amazing boyfriend. He helped me through the good and the bad and showed me that there were things to stay for. I am now in college and pursuing a career in photography at the University of Arizona. I hope that could help a bit!”

"Okay. Well. My coming out experience was definitely not expected in the slightest. I was in the 5th grade. Realizing that I liked both boys and girls was quite the revelation. I had a lesbian friend who was the first ever gay person I met or knew. I remember being backstage of a show I was in and just crying through the words, "I know I'm supposed to love guys, but I love girls too". After that. I didn't tell anyone else, until 6th grade. I was a track meet and a group of people I sat with was talking to my lesbian friend about kissing. I forget the exact conversation, but I spoke up and said I would kiss her. A Christian girl in my class was nearby and heard. She was disgusted. Therfore by the end of the week, I was completely outed to my entire school. It was ugly, but it got better over time I guess. I'm a junior in high school now. I have yet to come out to my parents, but at least I know that I am finally comfortable in my my sexual orientation and gender identify (demigirl, which I didn't figure out until a few short months ago)."

"Hey, I haven't actually come out to everyone yet but I have told a few people and all of their reactions were positive "oh you're bi? cool" and that was it. No "so do you like me?" or anything which was super great. So I was "straight" and when I heard about the LGBT community I was "straight" for about another five days. I did some thinking and realised I'd actually liked girls before, and shortly after came out as bi to a few of my close friends at the time. They were all supportive, bar one who said "you're just looking for attention lmao".Coincidentally, she had also come out as pan and had received the usual "you're attracted to pans?". I go to a Christian school, so it would be pretty disastrous if the news leaked out, but naturally it did. Not everyone knows, maybe about 10% of my grade. I suspect some teachers found out about how some people were LGBT (not many though, there's about 5 of us), because our dean of year gave the "you're too young to know that" talk. Mostly at school we get sheltered from all LGBT news and details at all, and my parents hadn't told me much about it either, even though they are supportive and would be okay if I came out as bi."

"I'm bisexual. I first came out to my elementary friends over the phone 3 years after we went to different middle schools. They were mostly all so accepting and I was so overwhelmed I hung up on them. I spent a few minutes laying on the ground clutching that phone to my chest, I'd never felt so loved. I cried and cried and cried because these people atleast the ones who accepted me see me different now but are okay with it. Two years later, now, I still haven't come out to my parents. I still need a few years but I'm a little bit more open at school now most of my friends accept me. Others were cut off, I can't do that with my family so they still don't know. Not as if they would take me seriously either way. I want to get past college get a place a stable life then maybe I'll be ready, just maybe. Thank you for listening to my story."

"I was surrounded by my Uncle and his husband for years. I always knew that gay people existed. When I was younger I never thought anything different of myself; I thought I was one of the boys.

It never really clicked that I was the only one who saw it that way.

When I was 7, my mother and sister suggested I take dance I shot them down saying "that's for girls."

They didn't get it.

I wasn't entirely sure what came over me in that moment either but I know it felt right.

As myself and the people I knew grew up I realised I wasn't happy with the way I looked. I tossed it up as your typical dislike.

~every girl went through that at my age didn't they~

All the girls I knew were so happy that they were becoming women and I just sat in the back wondering why I didn't feel the same way.

I still didn't get it.

Once my depressed state got worse I decided to read into ways to love yourself and your body.

I started taking selfies, dressing up, wearing heels and makeup, forcing myself to sing even though I hated the way I looked and sounded.

It got worse.

I broke down when nobody was looking and acted like it was fine; like I wasn't praying that whatever I was feeling would go away for even a second.

And one day I looked in the mirror and I thought "this isnt right. This isn't me. This isn't what I want. Who in the hell is that person staring back at me?"

And I accepted it. That I would never be who I should be. That I would never be happy. Because nobody would love me. Nobody would want me. And nobody would accept me. Because if I was happy then that meant my family wouldn't have had the little girl theh thought they had gotten.

And up until recently no one knew that I broke down every night, that my thoughts got so bad I wanted to drown in my own tears so that maybe it would all be over. Because to me coming out to them was worse than death.

And here I am years later. My family knows but they don't care. They don't try to comprehend that this repression it kills me all the time. So I gathered my money got myself exactly what they told me they would never let me have and I lie. I go behind their backs and I live like the man I really am online. I bind my chest and I hide from their sight and when they ask I say it's just their eyes.

Because if they knew - if my mother knew - they would rather me suffer day after day than be who I am."

"heyo, i read your post and id like to put something to it.

i am a part of the community, havent came out to my parents yet, because i know for a fact id be sent to a psichologist or thrown out. but i am me online

an old friend of mine is a trans guy and found me a few weeks ago. he said he saw that i support LGBT+ and it was so comforting for him. a friend who i haven't talked with for 9 years!after he told me that he lost half of his family for being himself, his dad ignores him since, but he has a boyfriend and got his life together

and that i could be a little comfort for him is really nice. even the people who are closeted can be helpful in the community."

"Well, my mom took it well. I had gotten stuck in my closet and then she got me unstuck and I told her I was queer.

My brother, we were sitting in the car and he told me he always knew, but I had to keep it a secret from my dad or else bad things would happen.

My friends hugged me and started to use my name and pronounsSo coming out to my dad and stepmom, it wasn't even a coming out but a forced outage.

They took my phone away the night of a Panic attack that I still have nightmares over and searched it. They read all my messages.... everything.

I wanted to scream for it to stop, but I knew it wouldn't. They told me that they loved me, but I had to stop being me and I have to go back to being a girl who was cishet

But once you have a taste of freedom of who you really are, you can never go back ...I couldn't hide again. I just had to wait till I could spread my wings and be free somewhere else."

"Ok so for the thing you tagged me in, I don’t exactly have a coming out story yet, and I’m not sure of my identity entirely. I’ve tried out tons of labels and am sticking with queer at the moment just cuz it takes the stress off of picking an extremely definite word to describe me. I came out as queer last year, but I don’t consider it a coming out story because 1) I only told my friends and not my family, and 2) queer doesn’t completely define me. In real life, I’m doing my best to go back in the closet, but I think my “friends” may have told other people who spread rumors around my school, so it’s been difficult. A bunch of people make random references to me liking boys (I’m amab) and it made me uncomfortable enough that I started telling them I’m straight. I’m planning on staying as far in the closet as possible until people get more accepting and I understand myself fully."

"It's not a coming out story (mostly) but it's a realization of sorts.

Yesterday our Social Studies teached asked us to form groups and discuss a contemporary issue that we would present at the front in a few minutes. Long story short I suggested LGBT+ community and rights, which my group mates accepted. I live in a really conservative country (with at least 81% of the entire population identifying as Christians) and that's an extremely taboo topic. It ended up leading the teacher asking us to raise our hands if we believed the lgbt community should be allowed Civil Union, not considering religion an all. I was so afraid to raise my hand, but it was what I believed in and I couldn't live with it if I didn't show it, so I raised my hand. I didn't really do this as a member of the community, I wasn't thinking of myself. I was thinking of a world where this is accepted in my country, where I can go outside and be open and love whoever I wanted to, and I guess the idea of standing up for what I believed in was what pushed me to do that. A big majority of the class was against, and I was just so afraid even though some small logical part of me knew they would not do anything.Today, our Civics teacher had us grouped again to make a live news report and once again, my group (international news) got assigned lgbt+ community because of our listed problems yesterday. I suggested interviewing a member of the community and basically came out to two people I knew were trustworthy (nearly all three other members in that group but thank God I think the third one did not hear) and we agreed that I could be used if I only had my voice recorded and edited to not sound like me. Just a few hours ago I found out that one of my classmates, who I thought was a nice sweet boy, turned out to be a big homophobe. "Sodom and Gomora and Liberals are teaching unnatural things" kind of guy.I guess that broke something in me, because another thing I was really passionate about for when I grew up was this certain job, though no one supported me. I used to want to do that so much the idea of anything else repelled me, sometimes the idea of the other more "acceptable" jobs brought me to tears. Somehow this one admission that I thought everyone should have the right to at least a civil union and finding out my classmates didn't believe in that crushed something in me hard enough that I lost the passion to do that job I wanted. It makes no sense how this connected with that apart from the fact that neither are things I have been or would be supported on, but I guess seeing that this world isn't really safe made me lose hope.I felt scared to raise my hand, almost like I was actually coming out (which I now realize I'm absolutely never doing to many of those people) and the realization that some place I thought was a safe space for me, because all of those people in that class, I thought I could trust them. I've been with them since before I could spell "friend" correctly, they're family to me, I believed I would be safe and accepted, and then came to find out that wasn't quite the case...But well, basically I was terrified then crushed to find out that I could have outted myself to a group of people who would not take my news lightly

Found out some people I thought were friends thought people like me were broken

Found out some people I used to have the biggest crushes on didn't even believe in letting people have a civil union."

"I’m very excited to see brave people like you ready to start a revolution, so I thought I’d share my, sorta, coming out experience.

So I have divorced parents meaning I’d have to come out to four parents. This happened mainly last year. I was pretty sure I was bi, (tho I now identify panromantic demigirl) I knew my dad and stepmom would be great with it, and they were. But when it came to my mother, well, she wasn’t really homophobic, but she had different ideas about how a gay person should behave. She outed me to her after overhearing a convo with my friends. She then told me I was too young, and gave the “its a phase” talk. She knew I was fairly open about it because I lived by a motto to “be so myself that other people feel brave enough to be themselves too” But she believed a gay person should keep it a secret. Nowadays I don’t believe in the process of “coming out” I am open about my sexuality and gender but I don’t do formal coming outs. I always believed that if straights don’t have to, neither should I just because I “don’t fit a default” My mother wants me to come out to my stepfather even tho he already knows. I thought sharing a coming out story that also showed you should never feel obligated to come out. My mother guilt trips me about it, but I remain rooted in my beliefs that I shouldn’t have to come out, which I think is valid.

Hope my story can help anyone and just wanna say you are so so valid, amazing and powerful and should never feel pressured to be open if you don’t want to. Long live the revolution!!!🏳��‍🌈."

"Hello! I read your post about collecting LGTBQA+ stories and I thought Id share my brief experiences as a bi girl from Germany ^^

Tbh I never made a big deal about coming out, as I personally feel it goes to show that we're revealing a wierd secret, and Id like my sexualtiy to be something normal, not a main identifying characteristic. And everyone of my friends or classmates that I mention it to appear to have no problem with that whatsoever, and as far as I know Im not percieved as predatory either.

My family, however, is a whole different matter. While Im sure that my mums side of the family would be perfectly fine and my parents know already, when youve heard your fathers parents talk about eastern europeans and other immigrants using only slurwords and your uncles parents have expressed their absolute disgust about seeing a gay couple enjoy a nice picnic at the park, you get very cautious about who you tell. Especially since I dont want to put the supportive family in the position of having to consider whom they can talk to about this.

Another thing that Ive noticed after my exchange year in Sweden and seeing my first pride, though not having the time to attend, on my way there in Copenhagen, is how little support my country gives to this community from a social perspective. At my swedish school, all the teachers had a rainbow keyband from a *seminar about LGBTQA+ people*, something Im sure Germany would never do, and all of them kept it. There was no question whether you support us or not, it was an acceped part of social life and no big deal; we even did a private introduction round for pronouns!

And then I came back here. During pride month, there were no rainbow decorations, the most I saw of a parade was two discarded paper flags on the ground afterwards. When I vented about this to my ally friend, she only said that "some people and companies just like to stay neutral". Try all of them in Germany, but sure.

I know our community has come far, but I can also see that it isnt fsr enough, and that is the fight I am still fighting.

Hope this helps ^^."

"Alright. Mine isnt that interesting but I'll do my best :)

I came out as bisexual when i was in the sixth grade. It wasnt a huge deal to my mom. She said okay and we went on with our lives. Around the end of that year, i told her i thought i was trans and she said i wasnt. I came out to her again six months later and she said the same thing. There was a lot of yelling. Mind you, she isnt transphobic at all. The third time... she was so done with me. She yelled and so did i. It took four different times for her to accept me, and even then, i had to do the last time over text because i was scared of her reaction."

"So, my name is Ell. I identify as queer and demigender. I don't know what to say here really early than it's important to find others like you when you're not as close to your family as you used to be. Because of your identity. My family is more accepting than most, but still. The community online is so so important to me, and this project makes me really happy. So thank you. "

"I was at sea world and my mom was in the car I was talking about how my dad was super homophobic. My mom says that my dad acts like it’s a disease I said will if it is then I have got it, My mom is understanding and says that she will love me no matter what."

"So, I’m non-binary and bisexual. That’s a big no-no in a latino family like mine, it’s always grow up, get married with the opposite sex, and have kids. I don’t know why I felt that I could just say anything to my mom one day and she immediately objected. “Are you sure you’re not a lesbian or just confused? You can’t like more than one gender. Also, what’s this about a non gender? You’re either a boy or a girl, that’s it.”

Thankfully after a lecture and me apologizing (though I did nothing but tell her more about me) she let the subject go. I’ve never told my dad because I know mom just will get in the way and say I’m lying again, but at least my friends are understanding and almost completely LGBTQ+."

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huphilpuffs · 6 years ago

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flares

chapter: 25/? summary: Dan’s body has been broken for as long as he can remember, and he’s long since learned to deal with it. Sort of. But when his symptoms force him to leave uni and move into a new flat with a stranger named Phil, he finds that ignoring the pain isn’t the way to make himself happy. word count: 3065 rating: mature warnings: chronic illness, chronic pain, medicine a/n: a huge thanks goes to @obsessivelymoody for beta reading this for me!

Ao3 link || read from beginning

Dan wakes up on Thursday to a heaviness in his chest.

He groans before he even opens his eyes. His face is squished against a pillow, his ribs pressed too harshly against the mattress. Stabs of pain burst between them, make his muscles spasm and send his breath escaping in a stutter. He has to count, one, two, three, four to keep it from happening a second time.

It eases some when he rolls onto his back.

And he tries to comfort himself further by counting out how long it’s been since he’s been able to sleep on his stomach. Too long, probably.

He’s been getting better, though. Even staring at the bedroom ceiling through his tears, Dan knows that. Knows the he’s helped Phil with dinner the last few nights, and managed to handle the curtains being open for a few hours yesterday.

His hand smoothes across his sternum, and he pokes at the painful spots in his sides until the sharpness dulls.

It’s enough to let Dan sit up, then stand on shaky knees. He tosses Phil’s pillow back to where it belongs and tucks the duvet into place to prove the voice in his head, wondering why he’s suddenly worse again, that he’s fine.

And to ignore the second voice, telling him it’s anxiety that causes your pain, over and over again.

His appointment is in a day.

Dan’s hardly slept for three.

He tries to swallow back a sigh. Whatever rush of adrenaline had dragged him out of bed has faded, left fatigue settling heavy in his bones again. He could drag himself to the lounge, curl up in his blankets and continue his new daily routine of watching people on YouTube for hours.

But his body aches and his eyes burn, and he crawls back into bed instead.

The voice in his head grows louder.

Dan grabs Phil’s pillow, clutches it ot his chest and presses his face against the fabric, breathing deeply.

It smells like Phil.

He holds it until he falls back asleep.

---

The afternoon drags.

It’s past two when Dan wakes up again. The flat is still empty, the bed unmade again. He crawls out without bothering to fix it, makes himself a sandwich, and settles back on the sofa, where he can rest his head against the cushions and ignore the tightness around his heart.

Every time he turns on his phone, it’s too a notification reminding him he has an appointment tomorrow that has his muscles seizing, making it ache to breathe.

And to a reminder he half regrets setting, since he’s ignored it for days.

Call mum.

There’s only a few hours to follow through with it now.

He glances back at the clock that tells him it’s just ticking past three. Twenty-five hours left, says the voice in his head. It sounds like the last GP he saw, who looked him in the eyes and told him to try acting like he had more energy, who told him it would help.

You should try it, his mum had said afterwards. You never know unless you do.

Dan’s thumb swipes across the screen. He finds her contact, sucks in a breath, and hits the call button.

He doesn’t breathe again until she picks up on the third ring.

“Hi, Dan,” she says.

He hasn’t heard her voice since he decided to stay here. It feels like a lifetime ago, suddenly.

“Hi, mum.”

There’s silence for a long moment. He can hear her breathing over the line, low and steady, and wonders if she can hear the shakiness in his.

“How are you?” she asks

“I’m okay,” he says. “I, uh, have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow.”

“Oh?”

He swallows, nodding even though she can’t see him. “Just with my new GP, but I’m hoping he might be able to help me,” he says. “With, well, you know.”

“I hope he can.”

She sounds sad. It’s been a long time since Dan’s heard that.

“Me too,” he says. And then, because he can’t handle the silence: “But, uh, I was hoping you could maybe help me figure out my medical history, to prepare? I don’t remember all of it from when I first got sick.”

Back when she was responsible for it, he doesn’t say. Back when anyone could keep track of all of it.

“I’ll text it to you, okay?” she says. “I know your memory isn’t always the best, and your wrists tend to ache from writing.”

“Really?” He slams his mouth shut, the click of his teeth probably audible over the phone. “I mean, thanks.”

She chuckles, quiet, distant, like he can hear the miles between them. “I’m not always heartless, you know,” she says.

Dan’s breath comes out in a rush. Guilt bursts in its place, painful, bringing tears to his eyes. And he wants to tell her he never thought she was, but he can’t. She knows he can’t. He doesn’t even know what he thinks about her now, crying, hands shaking as he clutches his phone too tightly.

“Can I ask you something?” she says. “Without you getting mad?”

“Yeah.”

“How are you doing?” she says. “I know you don’t think your problems are with your mental health, and I’m not implying they are–” the not this time goes unspoken “–but I know you’ve had bad experiences with doctors and you’re my son.”

His breath catches. A tear rolls down his cheek, and he wipes it away with his hand.

This is his first appointment without her, he realizes. The first one in six years that she’s not driving him to, waiting outside or sitting next to him for the length of it. The first time she won’t smooth his hand over his knee in the waiting room, telling him it’ll be okay, that doctors can be trusted, even though they’d been proving otherwise for so long.

“I’m okay,” he says. “Phil’s coming with me.”

“That’s good,” she says, like she means it. “I am glad you have him, you know.”

He almost reminds her what she thought of him living with Phil last time they spoke, but his heart aches and his eyes are stinging and he doesn’t want to fight, not this time.

“Me too,” he says. “He’s the best, mum.”

She sounds like she’s smiling when she says: “I’d love to meet him, one day.”

Dan swallows. He can hardly picture it, bringing Phil back to a house filled with terrible memories and people he still doesn’t trust entirely. And yet there’s a tug in his chest, a bittersweet image forming in the back of his mind.

He doesn’t say anything.

Neither does she, for a while.

“I should get going,” is what she ends up saying. “As long as you’re okay? I’ll text you your medical information in a little bit.”

“Okay,” he says. “I’m okay. Thank you.”

She hums. “And Dan?”

“Yeah?”

“You should call your grandma. She misses her sofa buddy.”

He chuckles. It aches. Suddenly, he’s exhausted again. “Okay. I will,” he promises. “And mum?”

“Yeah?”

“No news is good news, okay? If I don’t call you after the appointment, I mean.”

“Okay,” she says. “Bye.”

“Bye.”

The line goes dead.

His head falls back against the cushion and his phone drops onto the sofa. Tears are rolling down his cheeks, and he’s not entirely sure he knows why.

Or maybe he just can’t untangle all the many, many reasons.

---

Phil’s quiet when he gets home.

He takes the smoothie Dan didn’t touch and sets it on the coffee table before dropping onto the empty cushion. His arm is draped across the back of the cushion, his hip just inches from Dan’s, as he turns his gaze to the open laptop, lit up with another Smosh video.

Dan’s been watching them mindlessly since his tears dried on his cheeks.

“This is a good one,” says Phil.

It’s an older one, the production value a little cheaper and humour a tad outdated. Probably more similar to what Phil had watched back at uni, Dan thinks. He tries to imagine it, a younger version of Phil, one with longer hair and a slightly narrower frame, sitting in a uni room like the one Dan moved out of before coming here.

He hardly can. Maybe because his mind is still muddled, hanging onto words he said during the phone call, onto all the things he should have said but didn’t.

“It is,” he says, just as the video ends.

He doesn’t start a new one.

Phil’s fingers sweep across his shoulder. In Dan’s peripheral, he can see Phil turn to look at him, but he doesn’t look back.

“Are you okay?” asks Phil.

Dan swallows. There’s a lump in his throat, a pressure behind his eyes so harsh it aches.

“Didn’t sleep very well,” he says.

Phil squeezes his shoulder. “I know.”

That makes the corner of his mouth quirk up. Of course Phil knows. He was there, arms wrapped around Dan as he fidgeted, tossed, and turned. His hands had combed through Dan’s hair, and his quiet questions about if Dan was okay were mumbled against his shoulder, his reassurance felt in his touch.

Phil usually falls asleep pretty quickly, Dan’s learned. Last night, he didn’t.

The hand at his shoulder tightens. Dan finally turns to face Phil.

“Is that all that’s bothering you?”

His eyes are soft, almost sad, as his hand rubs gentle circles against Dan’s skin. He knows. He must know something’s up. Dan has to remind himself that Phil’s seen him after countless sleepless nights, curled up in soft blankets on the sofa and dozing when his mind gets too tired to keep racing.

Today isn’t like that.

Dan reaches out to rest a hand on Phil’s knee, needing to feel grounded, as the first tear rolls down his cheek. Phil draws him closer, so Dan’s head is by his shoulder, his tears dripping down onto the fabric of Phil’s shirt.

There’s no pressure, none but the weight of Phil’s hand on his shoulder, when Dan says:

“I called my mum.”

Phil goes tense. “Oh,” he say. “How did that go?”

Dan swallows. “I don’t know.”

He really doesn’t. His chest feels too full with contradictions, the weight of past accusations crashing up against her understanding tone and he doesn’t know what to think anymore. He’s never been sure how to exist around her, not since pain first settled in his bones and she told him it was growing pains, it would pass, it would get better.

And it never did.

“I haven’t talked to her since I told her I was staying in Manchester,” he says, maybe as an afterthought, maybe because it’s felt heavy on his shoulders since he answered the phone.

“Was she nicer this time?”

He nods. Another tear falls. “She’s texting me my medical history,” says Dan. “She offered, because she– she knew I had trouble writing and remembering.”

Phil hums. His breath has gone even again. His mouth is close to the top of Dan’s head. He sounds hesitant when he speaks. “It sounds like she cares.”

Dan feels that, sharp and painful in his gut. Another tear rolls down his cheek, and his breath catches, and Phil holds him tighter like he’s scared Dan will fall apart.

Maybe he will.

It’s been so long,

He’s been so that sure she doesn’t actually care.

Now, he doesn’t know what to think.

---

His mum texts him.

Dan almost cries. His teeth dig into his lip and his ribs ache and he stares, wide-eyed, at the list of diagnoses and unexplained symptoms he’s had over the years. There’s the migraines they never treated at the beginning, the lightheadedness it took them four years to explain, the instructions to do more exercise that dot the whole six years that he’s been ill.

The first time he went to therapy, and the antidepressants they put him on, and the second time he went to therapy.

And every time he told his doctor he was still sick after that.

Phil’s hand lands on his wrist, gently pushing the phone from Dan’s line of sight. His voice is barely a whisper when he says: “Are you okay?”

Dan swallows. His throat aches.

Laid out like this, it doesn’t look that bad, a distant voice in his head that’s haunted him for too long tries to remind him that maybe he’s just making it all up. Maybe it wasn’t that bad. But Dan can remember the A&E doctor who turned him away because it was growing pains. Can remember the so many times his blood pressure was low before anyone bothered to point it out.

The time his doctor looked at him and said–

“Can we do something?” says Dan. “I want to– I need a distraction.”

Phil nods. In Dan’s peripheral, his phone screen goes black. The knot in his chest loosens, just a bit.

“Wanna play video games?” says Phil.

He shakes his head. “Wanna go out. It’s been too long.”

Phil’s brows furrow, like he’s about to point out that there’s a reason it’s been so long, about to warn Dan that he doesn’t want to make himself sick before such an important day.

Except part of Dan does. He’s done it before, forced himself to be in pain because maybe that way the doctors would actually see that he wasn’t lying. Not that it’s ever worked.

“Please?” he says.

Phil squeezes his wrist. “Okay.” His thumb drifts across Dan’s, careful and comforting. “Where do you want to go?”

---

Dan squeezes into his skinny jeans, even though the fabric burns his legs. He pulls a shirt over his head for what feels like the first time in forever. Though his knees are shaky, he bends down to tie his own laces, as Phil watches from where he’s leaning against the door.

“Are you sure about this?”

He reaches out, without a word, to help Dan stand again.

“I’m sure,” says Dan. “And don’t worry, you won’t need to take me to A&E this time.”

The corner of Phil’s mouth quirks up, and Dan knows he’s forcing it. He can feel his worry in the too-tight clench of Phil’s hand around his, the way his gaze trips over Dan legs when he wobbles as he stands.

He squeezes Phil’s fingers, forcing a smile of his own, as he opens the door.

It’s warm outside. The sky’s going purple as the sun sinks below the city. Dan realizes, staring up at it, that he hasn’t left the flat since he trip to A&E, hasn’t enjoyed being outside in far too long.

If his joints would let him, he’d suggest they walk around a bit. Instead, he stares up at the clouds and reminds himself to spend more evenings, when the sun won’t burn his eyes, on their little balcony, just to feel the wind against his cheeks again.

Phil tugs on his hand when the cab pulls up in front of them. They pile in, side by side in the back seat. Dan doesn’t put on his seatbelt. He can’t be bothered to deal with the harsh rub of fabric against his ribs.

His chest is still tight, the quiet buzz of anxiety at the back of his mind growing louder. He can still feel his phone, heavy in his pocket, can still imagine the text he hasn’t yet responded to. He can remember their last movie night, laughing and gasping and falling asleep with Phil’s hands trying to massage the pain away.

They hadn’t even gone out last time.

Dan stares out the window and hopes he can keep his promise that it’ll be okay this time.

They slip out of the car at the cinema. Phil pays the driver. Dan leans against the wall as he waits, wondering if the lines inside are long. It’s been so long since he’s been to the cinema, he can hardly imagine it anymore. The screens usually hurt his eyes and the audio gives him a headache and he doesn’t care today.

“You okay?”

Phil’s smiling at him, standing by the door. He holds it open for Dan, and buys their tickets for a random comedy neither of them particularly wanted to see. He lets Dan go find a seat as he buys them popcorn, soda, and a chocolate bar to share. He hands it over, in the darkness of the theatre, with a smile.

Between them, their knees bump together as the film starts.

---

They’re holding hands when it ends.

Dan’s eyes are starting to burn and his chest aches from laughing, but the voices in his head have dulled just enough that he can breathe a little easier. He doesn’t think about the appointment he needs to show up to tomorrow, or the doctor he hasn’t met yet who might dash his hopes all over again.

He stares at their joined hands as the cinema empties, smiling.

“You ready to go home?” says Phil.

Dan shrugs. He probably should give his spine a break by sinking into the sofa again, close his eyes against the bright lights of the city before a headache wells in his temples. But he doesn’t want to sit in the dark and wait until tomorrow, letting his fears return.

“Can we get pizza?”

“You up to walk?”

He nods. Phil helps him to his feet and leads him out of the cinema. He knows Manchester better than Dan does, and tells a story about coming to watch movies with Ian when he was younger as they find the nearest pizza place. Dan listens, maybe more attentively than he needs to, to keep his mind from going hazy as the city moves around him.

There’s still a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

Dan wonders if him of a few years ago would have believed that he’d end up here.

The restaurant they end up in is small and quiet, and they slide into a booth in the corner of the room. Dan sinks back against the cushion, realizing that Phil’s smiling, too.

His chest feels warm. His fingers twist in the tablecloth, because part of him misses holding Phil’s hand.

“Thanks for tonight,” says Dan. “I had fun.”

Under the table, Phil knocks their feet together.

“I did too,” he says.

#phan #phanfic #phanfiction #flares #callie writes words #sorry I haven't been online much #turns out when irl is going either better or worse than just fine i don't find much tumblr time

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