#and i've only been taking the meds for about 2 1/2 weeks so i've still got a long road ahead of me

[swordsonnet]

on the off chance anyone on here followed me for my jonmartin fake dating au, currently standing tragically unfinished at 7 out of 8 chapters: i'm still working on the last chapter! i would love to have it up this year, but unfortunately i can't make any promises, because i've started a new medication and the side effects are wreaking havoc on my mind and body. haha isn't chronic illness fun. but rest assured the fic is the beating heart under my floorboards, and i WILL finish it one day

[fashion-runways]

hiii new pinned post again because the last one was outdated, there are links to the previous ones in that one as well. unfortunately there are no real updates re: my dad's wrongful imprisonment. at this point, they might be waiting until the statutes of limitations happen and it's over, i don't know. he has a therapist who's kind of expensive but we have to pay for and he has to go weekly because of all the trauma he has left from being in jail and from losing his job/not being able to find a new one because of this. his health got worse in there, too, so there are a lot of different doctors he has to go to, medications, etc. he's doing better every day, though, but that takes a lot of money of course.

i used to have a redbubble account that helped me get afloat alongside this blog, but it got suspended without notice and never got reinstated no matter how many things i've tried, so... that's another source of income that we lost. i used to make around 30/40 dollars a month there, now i make like 1/2 dollars on teepublic monthly, that's a huge difference. argentina's economy was always bad but it has been an absolute disaster since the current president got elected. prices rise literally on a weekly basis for everything from basic groceries to public transportation, power, water, phone bills, etc. my laptop's keyboard broke at some point and i almost had to buy a new one with money i literally didn't have, just going into negative numbers, but i managed to find a guy who replaced it for as cheap as he could. it was still expensive, but it was better than having to buy a new laptop entirely. would love to get a stable job, but that's always been impossible in this country, even more so lately. for updates on argentina in english, this person on twitter makes very good informative threads if you're interested.

on top of that my dog passed from cancer a few weeks ago, that was really expensive for us too, meds and appointments and special foods and everything that we could do to keep her happy until it was her time to go, and she was. i also started therapy around the time she was diagnosed (thank god) but my therapist had to rise her rates because of the economy mess i already mentioned, so... yeah. everything is exhausting and everything is expensive, and this is literally my only source of income. it's also the thing that i love doing the most and the thing that keeps me sane in all of this mess, so hey, never leaving. in fact, if anything ever happens to this website, you can always find me under fashion_runways on twitter or probably anywhere else. some of you guys mentioned not seeing my posts lately too, so if you can/want to, you can turn notifications on!

anyway yeah, all that to say i love this blog, i love fashion, and i love showing you guys new cool things and giving you guys ideas for art, or writing, or your own style, or just interesting stuff to look at. so if you can donate any money, that would help me more than you think. even a single dollar can change what i can do with my day sometimes, i swear. as usual, my kofi link: https://ko-fi.com/fashionrunways and my teepublic link: https://www.teepublic.com/user/dinah-lance. thanks for being around and sharing and reblogging my posts, thanks for asking questions about fashion, and of course thanks for helping to the ones who can, and thanks to the ones who can't too, i know how that feels like, don't worry about it. i love you 💖

[megpricephotography]

For those who're following Flynn's health problems… update is below the cut. Not a great one, sadly.

We went back to the vets on Fri 31st Jan. Flynn had been on his new medicine - telmisartan - for 2 weeks. He's taking it in an effort to reduce the "leakiness" of his remaining kidney. I'd collected a sample for urinalysis a couple of days prior & we got blood taken on the day. Vet spoke to me Sat morning.

I'll start with the positives. Flynn's weight is still good. Actually, at any other time, I'd say he was actively too chubby but I've been intentionally stuffing his face with as much kidney-safe food as he'll eat & it's good he's heavy & good he's managed to gain a bit. As for blood work - Flynn's blood count is good, he isn't anaemic (a worry), electrolytes are normal.

However.

Urinalysis… unfortunately, Flynn's protein loss in his pee is sky high & still maxing out their machine. I wasn't shocked by this result, as telmisartan can take a bit of time to fully work & have an effect… & Flynn's only on a 1/2 dose for his weight. Still, I was obviously hoping for better news. I wish we could at least tell if we're heading in the right direction or not.

Blood work. Urgh. Sadly Flynn's now in Stage 2 of Chronic Kidney Disease. Technically, Stage 2 CKD is considered relatively "mild" & often manageable for a considerable length of time. The worry though, is that Flynn's kidney function seems to be deteriorating pretty fast. From what I've read, this isn't uncommon in dogs who've had high protein levels in their urine, plus, again: Flynn is down 1 kidney… Also, we're already doing what we can to support his kidney, & currently it doesn't seem to be helping much, if at all. Vet's previously said he fears Flynn's kidney has just sort of... reached the limit of what it can cope with.

For now, we're keeping Flynn on a 1/2 dose of telmisartan. Yes, we could increase it but telmisartan can cause side-effects (we're seeing some), including even kidney damage (tbh, I am worried it may be harming not helping… but then again, Flynn has seemed better able to keep weight on since taking meds so, who knows). Vet & I are concerned a full dose could be too much for Flynn to tolerate. We'll monitor, may increase the dose… may take him off it entirely. We are going to add a phosphate binder to his food, which can help maintain kidney function. Flynn's been on a renal diet for 18+ months. Some dogs with his symptoms are put on immunosuppressants, but my vet hasn't brought it up as an option & tbh, I'd be concerned about potential side-effects, although I may look into it more.

As for Flynn… eh, he's OK, for now… mostly, I think? He's sweet & wanting gentle pats, so I don't think he's hugely sore, or distressed. He's feeling sick at times (picky about food) but not sure if it's telmisartan or kidney disease. He's definitely tired & quiet & wanting to be home, warm. That's fine. We get out once or twice a day for a short walk, & he still seems interested in things. I've pulled old Barney's buggy out & started encouraging Flynn to hop in, for if/when he's at a point of wanting to go out but not walk far at all. Obviously, I am still very much trying to hold onto hope we can get him stabilised & keep him happy for some time to come but gosh it's hard & I am struggling to be overly optimistic. I guess all we can do is take each day as it comes.

Sorry for the long read, partly this is for me... I find it helps writing stuff down. Hug your dogs, guys & please think good thoughts for Flynnie.

[jpmarvel90]

Don't let me down - Final Part

Masterlist Scarlett Masterlist

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9

Relationship: MamaScarlett x 16 yr old Reader

Summary: With Y/n still healing from her injuries, she now has to face her abuser in court. The difference for her this time, she has a family there to support her.

Word count: 7418

Y/n's POV:

"I got you sweetheart. Just use me for balance." Mom instructs me as she helps me to get out of the car. I'm still a little dopy from all the meds I got at the hospital, so it's proving to be a bit difficult to get to my feet with my crutches. "Here let me help." Dad says taking my other arm and helping me to my feet. "Laura, honey. Could you go and open the door for us please?" Mom asks, holding out the keys to my girlfriend.

I watch as she grabs the keys and rushes to the front door. My eyes don't leave her until she's disappeared into the house. "Someone's in love." Mom teases me, making dad laugh. "Shut up." I mumble, making them laugh more. "Come, let's get you inside. You ok on your crutches." Mom asks me and I nod, taking my new walking aids she's holding out to me.

With a bit of a struggle, I start to hop my way towards the house. Mom stays close behind me and dad to my side just in case I fall. The first obstacle I face is the few steps leading into the house. Having never used crutches before, I find it difficult to get up the steps and into the safety of the house.

I smile when I see Laura rushing around the living room, moving the footrest into place, and grabbing a couple of blankets. "Let's get you on the sofa and we can think about some lunch." Mom suggests, guiding me into the living room. Laura takes over in helping me get comfortable on the sofa and props my casted leg up with a pillow.

When I'm comfortable Laura dashes off to the kitchen to help mom with lunch, whilst dad sits next to me fussing over me. "Are you ok? How's the pain? Are you comfortable enough?" He rushes out a number of questions, making me smile. I can't believe I got lucky enough to have a dad that cares about me so much. "I'm doing good dad. I'm sore but I'm also aware that I'm going to be in pain for the next few weeks." I respond, resting my hand on his.

He looks up to me with a warm smile. "I'm never going to get used to you calling me dad." He shares, squeezing my hand and pressing a kiss to my forehead. "If you're like this with me, I can only imagine the emotional wreck you're going to be when Cosmo starts talking!" I tease him. "Talking of Cosmo, when do I get cuddles with my little brother? It's been three days since I've seen him!" I pout. I won't tell any of them this, but Cosmo is definitely my favourite. He's so cute and he's my snuggle buddy. It's exactly what I need right now.

"Melanie is coming around to drop him home in a couple of hours and you can hug him until your hearts content." He responds making me smile widely and giving a little fist bump, making him laugh.

After a few minutes, mom and Laura return to the living room with plates and drinks in hand. Laura is holding a plate with some sandwiches on and hands me a glass of juice. "Thanks babe." I smile at her, puckering my lips for a kiss. She chuckles but gives me what I want and slips into the spot that Colin had just vacated. "You ok?" She asks me quietly, but I can feel mom's eyes on me too. "I'm hungry, so thank you for this." I smile at her, taking a big bite from my ham and cheese sandwich. "How's your pain?" Mom jumps in, clearly not happy with my answers.

"Still manageable, but they gave me a good dose before we left the hospital this morning." I respond as she nods, still looking at me concerned. "I'm fine mom." I reassure her, not wanting her to sit there and worry about me. "Well, any pain, let us know and we can get you the relevant pain killers." She instructs me and I easily agree. I have no plans to let the pain get too much!

Dad thankfully puts the TV on whilst we eat, otherwise it would have been awkward silence with everyone's eyes on me. As I'm eating, I keep thinking about how lucky I am to have my parents. I've been hurt badly before, but it was at the hands of my parents, so they didn't give me any love and care. This is all so alien to me. But it's nice to know that they care about my wellbeing.

I hadn't initially planned on calling them mom and dad. But when I was in pain, I wanted my mom. Scarlett had proven to me that she is sticking around and wants to be my mom. Ever since I've moved in here, she has done everything to make me feel safe and loved. Calling her mom felt good. It made me finally feel like I was home with a family.

I'm so glad that I did because their reactions were everything I could ask for. Knowing how much it means to them to have the title of mom and dad, makes me happy and is another element of proof that they are my family. I finally feel happy. I have everything I could ask for.

With lunch finished, we sit enjoying each other's company. Though when the doorbell goes, I get excited to see my little brother again. I can hear mom greet Melanie and Cosmo at the front door and wait in anticipation. "You're cute when you're excited." Laura teases me, making me pout. One that she is quick to kiss away. "Dad's still in the room." Dad calls out to us, making Laura blush. "Makes up for all the times I've walked in on you and mom sucking face." I retort, making his mouth drop open, no response found.

Thankfully, our conversation can't carry on as mom and Melanie walk into the living room, Cosmo in mom's arms. I hold my arms up and make grabby hands to my little brother, making mom laugh. She thankfully, doesn't keep him away from me and I hold him close. He starts babbling at me with a wide smile as I chat back to him. "How do you have this affect on him?" Dad asks me. "I'm just that likable." I respond, making them laugh.

"How are you feeling sweetie?" Melanie asks me, taking a seat. "I'm doing better now I'm home." I respond. "I was so worried when your mom called me. I'm glad that you're doing ok." She smiles at me. I notice that everyone else has disappeared out of the living room, with Laura saying she was going to grab me a hoody as she noticed I was cold. I didn't even realise that until she pointed it out. She knows me so well. "You've got lucky there." Melanie points out, nodding her head towards the stairs where Laura just disappeared. "Yeah. Not quite sure how I landed her." I chuckle in return.

"You're not a bad catch yourself Y/n. Don't talk badly about my granddaughter." She playfully scolds me. Calling me her granddaughter catches me off guard and I suddenly become very interested with the baby in my hands. Keeping my gaze on Cosmo I decide now is as good a time as ever to talk to her. "Uh. About that." I start, not wanting to make eye contact. "Calling you Melanie seems weird. Especially as I'm calling those two weridos hiding in the doorway mom and dad." I start, calling out my parents whose presence is very obvious.

We both laugh when we hear whispered shouting and the sound of them scurrying away. "What I mean is. Would you mind if I called you grandma like Rose does?" I ask tentatively, still focusing on a smiling Cosmo. When there is no response, my whole body starts to tense, worried I've made this awkward. Though a soft hand under my chin, brings my gaze to meet Melanie's whose is glossed over.

"I would love that Y/n." She tells me, her voice full of certainty. "From the day you were born I have loved you with everything I have. Getting a chance to be your grandmother is everything that I've wanted. Getting to see you happy here with Scarlett and the family, is perfect. So yes. Please do call me grandma." She shares, cupping my face as a few tears fall down my cheeks. "Thank you." I sniffle as she pulls me into a tight hug, careful of the baby between us. We both quickly compose ourselves and are soon talking about something entirely different. Seems like we're similar in not enjoying lingering on things that make us cry!

The rest of the afternoon is nice as we spend it together and I'm excited for Rose to come home so we can have the movie night that I promised. Mom and Laura went out shopping to get everything that we're going to need. When they come back in, they're laughing together over something, making me look to dad and grandma. "Should I be worried how well they're getting on?" I jokingly ask. "Oh, shut up Y/n/n. Surely you're happy I get on with your mom." Laura jumps in, clearly having heard my comment. "Besides, we bonded over the trauma of seeing you hurt." Mom adds on. "Anyway, shouldn't one of you be going to get Rose?" I ask, quickly changing the subject. Dad jumps up after realising the time and offers to go and get her.

An hour later and the front door swings open, Rose rushing through the house. "Sissy! You're home!" She cheers, jumping on the sofa next to me and wrapping her arms around me. "I missed you." She tells me as I hug her. "I missed you too Rosie." I respond. She pulls away and scrunches up her face as her gaze lands on my eye. "It's looking yucky today." She points out as I chuckle at her blunt response.

My eye has completely swollen shut and when I caught a glimpse in the mirror in the hospital bathroom, I winced at it myself. It's a lovely shade of dark purple and reminds me of some of the injuries I suffered at the hands of my adoptive parents. Not that I would ever say that to Scarlett as I think that might push her over the edge.

"What movie do you want to watch?" I ask Rose, moving the subject on from my injuries. "Uh. Can we watch Toy Story?" She questions in return, and I respond with a wide smile. "Yes! I love it and it's Laura's favourite." I share and that makes Rose even happier. "How about we order some food and then we can get settled in for the movie. As it's Friday, we can maybe even watch the second one two. Mom, are you staying?" Mom suggests before turning to grandma. "I would never miss out on movie night!" She responds making Rose cheer.

It's a lovely evening, probably one of my favourites since I've moved here. It's calm but I'm surrounded by my family. Laura is snuggled into me on the right and I have Rose on my left, her head resting on my shoulder. We have pizza for dinner and eat far too many snacks. But it is so worth it!

Rose falls asleep near the end of the second movie and Scarlett coos over how cute she looks asleep with my arm wrapped around her. "I'll take her up." Colin offers, walking over and carefully lifting Rose into his arms. "Laura, would you like to stay?" Mom asks. "Oh uh. If that's ok?" Laura responds in surprise. "Of course. But the door has to stay open at least a few inches." She warns me with a pointed finger. "Seriously mom. I'm fresh from surgery and not very mobile at the moment. What do you think will happen?" I ask her with a raised eyebrow. "Rule still stands Missy. Now, shall we start the journey to get your upstairs?" She raises and eyebrow at me before standing and holding her hand out to me.

I quickly say goodbye to grandma before she leaves. She promises to come back tomorrow and I'm excited to spend some more time with her. I then move my focus on to the stairs in front of me.

Between mom and Laura, they get me to the bottom of the stairs. I hand my crutches to Laura and place my butt on the step. Mom then takes my injured leg carefully, holding it up as I use my arms to shuffle up the stairs. The doctor suggested this was the easiest way to get upstairs without the risk of falling. It's not the most elegant, but I make it work.

When I'm at the top of the stairs the two of them lift me up as my arms are already aching. I then hop into my bedroom where Laura helps to get me into some pyjamas. Turns out I lose a lot of dignity when in a full leg cast! We eventually get into bed and Laura makes sure that my leg is elevated before getting under the quilt next to me. "Are you going to get any closer or you just going to cling to the edge of the bed?" I ask her, almost insulted that she's not cuddling up to me. "I don't want to hurt you." She explains, fiddling with the hem of the quilt. "I'm fine babe. I'd be far more comfortable being able to snuggle with you." I defend.

She looks at me with a frown for a bit and then slowly moves closer and rests her arm over my waist. "Is this ok?" She asks tentatively. I move my own arm around her shoulder and pull her closer and press a kiss to her head. "Perfect." I respond. It's so often Laura that holds me, but my currently situation makes that difficult and I'm actually enjoying being the one to hold her for once. It's not long until sleep starts to wash over me and, with Laura's soft movements over my stomach, it doesn't take me long to fall into a deep, much need sleep.

__________

Over the next couple of weeks, Laura is amazing. She's been the best girlfriend that I could ask for. She drives me too and from school as Mom has started to work longer hours. I'm basically waited on hand and foot. When we're at school, her and the team help me out as much as they can. I've still been going to training and matches but I've been helping Coach Saunders from the side lines. I hate that I'm not able to play with them, but I feel somewhat useful from my position on the bench.

I'm using it as a distraction as this week I have my date to appear in court and provide a statement against Mr Woodstock. I'm really nervous and I'm worried about having to share everything that's happened to me. Mom and dad have been really attentive of me, checking in on me regularly. I've assured them I'm ok. It's going to be a horrible experience, but I'm doing as well as I can be in the situation.

Come the morning of the court case I'm a nervous wreck. I didn't sleep well, and I couldn't stop going over what I needed to remember. I knew that mom wasn't sleeping either as I heard her walking around during the night. I think she feels a little helpless and she's probably also nervous as she's going to hear about some of the things that happened to me that I've not shared with her before. It's not going to be fun for any of us.

Grandma has Cosmo today and will be picking Rose up for her to stay with her. We've not really talked much with her about what's happening as it's hard for a 7 year old to understand. But she's happy to be having a sleep over at grandma's tonight.

I just about manage to get myself ready into the pant suit that mom had bought for me to wear. Thankfully, it's a wide leg and I can fit the leg over my cast.

I finish my hair and I then start to make my way out of my room. Thankfully, dad is coming out at the same time and helps me to get down the stairs and into the kitchen. As we turn the corner, I see a familiar dirty blonde sat at the island, chatting with mom. "Lizzie?" I question, making her turn around and stand from her seat. I notice that she's dressed in a suit herself. "Hey kid." She greets me, walking over and giving me a cautious hug.

"What are you doing here?" I ask her, as she helps me to a seat. "I wanted to be there to support my niece." She tells me with a soft smile. I'm shocked she would do that for me. I'm so grateful that she wants to support me. But I also know how much of a support she will be to mom. "How are you feeling sweetheart?" Mom asks me as she places some pancakes in front of me. "Nervous." Is the only word I'm able to get out. "I can understand that. Just remember we are all here for you and Danny is going to do a great job in helping you out. You are so brave for doing this. I just know you're going to do so well." She reassures me, pressing a kiss to my head.

I don't eat a lot. I mainly move the pancakes around my plate whilst the adults talk. I feel slightly sick and I'm worried if I eat, it'll just give my stomach something to throw up with all the nerves I'm feeling. Thankfully, mom and dad don't push me to eat and we're soon out of the door on our way to the courthouse.

Lizzie sits in the back of the car with me and holds my hand tightly. It's the quietest car ride I've had. The radio is playing quietly, but no one is saying anything. Thankfully, we get to the courthouse pretty quickly and I'm shocked when I see my girlfriend waiting for me on the steps leading up to the building.

As soon as she sees our car, she rushes down the steps and opens my door to start helping me out. "What are you doing here?" I ask her. She was meant to be in school today and practice this afternoon. "I ditched. There was no way that I'm not being there for you today." She responds, pressing a quick kiss to my lips before helping me to start the hard task of getting out the car and on my feet.

"You really didn't have to do that. We've got our exams soon." I grimace as I fight the pain from the unusual movement to my leg. "Well, luckily for me, I have this really smart girlfriend who can tutor me if I need it." She smirks at me as Lizzie passes me my crutches. "Ready to head in?" Dad asks me as he and mom flank my sides and Lizzie follows from behind. I nod and we start to make our way to the entrance.

The security guard sees us coming and kindly holds the door open for me and Danny meets us in the lobby. He greets each of us and goes over the proceedings for today. They're currently in session right now and I'll be giving my testimony after the next recess.

Danny takes us into one of the side rooms and we go over everything one more time. "I actually think that today may be easier than we expected." Danny starts to talk, taking us all by surprise. "Why is that?" Mom asks. "He's been very explosive in court. Even his lawyer looks fed up with him. He's said a couple of things that have contradicted his own statements. I don't want to get your hopes up, but I'm hopefully that the cross examination won't be as tough as we anticipated." Danny explains.

You'd think that would help to put my nerves at ease, but I don't let it get to me. I still want to be prepared for the worst. I can't be caught off guard today if I'm going to do a good job. "He's made this case into a bit of a circus, and I believe he only pleaded not guilty to try and get his fame. But it's a closed case and that's frustrated him." Danny answers after dad questions his motives.

I try to remain focused, but all I can think about is the fact that I'm about to see Mr Woodstock again. I feel a hand take mine and I look down to see familiar rings. I turn and see mom's concerned gaze on me. "Everything is going to be ok, and we'll be right here." She reminds me and wraps an arm around me, providing me with comfort that I desperately need right now.

A court aid comes in and notifies us that a 10 minute recess has just been called. I decide now is the time for a quick bathroom break to allow me a moment to compose myself. I can do this. I know I am telling the truth and I can help ensure that he gets what he deserves. I just need to be brave.

Scarlett's POV:

I'm so nervous for today. I can't even imagine how Y/n must be feeing right now. She's been quiet and barely touched her food, but I couldn't force her to eat, especially when I had done the same. I wait anxiously for her to return from the bathroom with Laura. I know that she needed a minute, but I don't want to leave her side today.

I give her a big smile as I see her walking, well hopping, down the hall back to us. Danny then guides us into the courtroom and directs us to a row of seats. But before we can get there, my eyes land on the man that has hurt my daughter in more ways than one.

I feel sick as he smirks in our direction, and I move my body to block his view of Y/n. Though it doesn't stop him calling out to me. "You can't even protect your daughter when she's living in your own home!" He snarls at us. I can see Y/n's whole body tense, but she keeps her head up, ignoring his comment. "Dean that's enough!" His lawyer scolds him. Danny's right, he does look completely fed up with his client.

As well as Y/n has been able to ignore Mr Woodstock's comment, I can't. He's right. I promised that she would be safe with me, yet she's already had a two night stay in the hospital. "Don't listen to him. He's trying to get a reaction from you." Colin whispers to me as he wraps an arm around me and pulls me away from the staring match, I have with the man who abused my daughter.

He's right and I shake this feeling and turn to focus on my daughter. She needs me at 100% right now and not feeling sorry for myself. Lizzie and Colin file into the row first then I follow, helping Y/n get into her seat. Laura then takes the spot the other side of her, and Danny sits on the row in front of us, turning to reassure Y/n.

"Miss Y/l/n, thank you for giving your testimony and coming in here physically today." The DA greets Y/n, holding his hand out to shake Y/n's. She gives him a tight lipped smile whilst he explains what's going to happen and we all listen intently. Almost as soon as he finishes talking, the judge returns to the room, and we take our seats for the session.

I notice Y/n's hand tapping at her leg, whilst her eyes dart around the room. She's trying to ground herself, so I reach out and take her hand hoping that the touch might give her some comfort. She squeezes it in return, turning slightly to mouth a thank you.

"Your honour, I'd like to call Miss Y/n Y/l/n to the stand." The DA states, making Y/n's whole body tense. Laura and I both stand to help Y/n to her feet as Danny moves to the aisle. He waits for her to stand and moves to kindly escort her to the stand. As they're walking, I hear a chuckle from the defence bench, and I start to fume when I see him laughing. "Now that's an injury I didn't do!" He laughs out loud. "Mr Woodstock, please refrain from calling out. You are already on a warning." The judge scolds him, but his smile doesn't falter. It makes my blood boil and it's taking everything in me to not go over there and punch him.

Y/n once again ignores him, making me look at her in awe. She has such strength. Danny makes sure she's settled and comfortable before returning to his spot. Laura scootches closer to me and I take her hand in mine. I think that we both need it.

"Thank you, Miss Y/l/n, for coming in today and providing us with this testimony." The DA smiles at her. "You're welcome, Sir. But please call me Y/n." She responds, with as confident a smile as she can.

DA: "Of course. Now Y/n, you were in the care of Mr Woodstock for 19 months. Is that correct?"

Y/n: Yes sir. I was moved to his foster home when my parents passed away.

DA: How many kids were in the home when you arrived?

Y/n: There were three others. Four including myself.

DA: What was it like when you first started living there?

Y/n: It was ok. He kind of left us to it. There was food in the fridge, and we made sure to do the chores. But we didn't see him often. I liked it because it meant that I was able to join soccer at school and make some new friends. My previous parents hadn't been so accommodating.

DA: So, it wasn't actually a bad living situation?

Y/n: No sir.

DA: When did that change?

Y/n: I couldn't give you an exact date. But more kids started to move in and at one point there were 14 of us. This was maybe after about three months. This was when he started to drink. The more he drank the more angry he got.

DA: And when you say angry, what would set him off?

Y/n: Anything really. If something was out of place in the house. If we were late home or there wasn't beer in the house. Sometimes you just had to pass him and he would get angry at you for being there.

DA: What would happen when he was angry?

I watch as Y/n pauses, she takes the glass of water in front of her and uses her time to calm her breathing. She's already spoken so well, but this is where the questions are going to become more difficult.

Y/n: It started with yelling. He might throw things. One day I yelled at him because he threw a glass near one of the younger kids and that was the first time that he um. That he... he hit me.

I feel tears prickle at my eyes as I watch Y/n share this. You can see the turmoil in her own eyes as she talks. Colin reaches around and wraps an arm over my shoulder. He looks to me and I see that his eyes are also glossed over.

DA: Did he ever hit the younger kids?

Y/n: Not at first. Us older ones tried to make sure they were kept out of his way. But we weren't always there to protect them.

She shares, her head dropping as if she's ashamed she wasn't able to do more to protect them. But she was just a kid herself. That wasn't her responsibility.

DA: When the defendant would engage in physical violence with you, was it just one hit or multiple?

Y/n: Uh, that depended on how angry and drunk he was. It was common to get a slap or a punch here or there. But when he was really angry, he would become terrifying, and it was like he didn't have control. There were times that we were beaten until we were unconscious.

Mr Woodstock: Yet you still didn't learn!

There's a collective gasp at his outburst and the judge hits his gavel. "I've told you once in this session Mr Woodstock. One more outburst and you will be removed into custody." He threatens.

DA: Did you ever get treated at the hospital?

Y/n: Only if Mr Woodstock took us. He would only do that if it would be something that the school might pick up on or we wouldn't heal on our own.

I can't believe how well she is speaking right now. The pain is evident on her face, but she is answering clearly and concisely, just like Danny coached her. Not once has she allowed her gaze to move to Mr Woodstock, even when he had his outburst. I'm so incredibly proud of her and I'm lucky that I get to call her my daughter.

DA: This next question may be difficult, so please take your time if you need to. Are you able to tell us the most severe injuries that you have received from the defendant and what led to that?

My breath hitches at the question. I'm not naive. I know she's been through more than I saw when she first moved into our home. But knowing that I'm about to hear it now makes me feel sick.

Y/n does take a moment as she collects her thoughts. She takes another sip and I notice that her hand is shaking as she drinks. She is doing such a great job of hiding how nervous she is.

Y/n: I was playing with Freya, one of the younger kids at the home. Whilst we were playing, I accidently knocked over one of the bottles of vodka that was sat on the kitchen table. The crashing sound got Mr Woodstock's attention and I could hear his loud footsteps coming down the stairs. I told Freya to run and not say a word so she would be safe whilst I focused on clearing up the large shards of glass.

Of course, she protected the younger girl. She always has been so caring. She would have known she was in for it when Mr Woodstock got there but she made sure the little girl was safe over her own safety. Y/n takes another deep breath and I notice a shake appear in her voice as she starts to talk again.

Y/n: Within a second of his being in the kitchen, he had lifted me off the ground, his hand tightly around my neck as he pinned me to the wall. He was yelling at me for making a mess and how much that bottle had cost. His grip was really tight and made it difficult to breathe. He then uh....

DA: It's ok Y/n. Take your time.

I want to just get out of my seat and wrap my arms around her and protect her from the world. To take away all these bad memories.

Y/n: H-he punched me in the stomach and threw me onto the floor. I landed on the glass, and I could feel it cut my skin. The cuts stung when the spilt alcohol hit them. I was so scared. I had never seen a rage like it before. I thought he would go too far this time.

Tears are now falling freely down my cheeks and I can hear sniffles coming from Laura. She knew a lot of what happened to Y/n, but I'm sure that doesn't make hearing any of this any easier.

Y/n: Whilst I was on the floor, he repeatedly kicked me in the stomach and then once to the head which knocked me out.

DA: What happened after?

Y/n: Harriet, she found me and got one of the other kids to help carry me up to our room. Whilst I was unconscious, she cleaned my cuts and stayed with me until I woke up.

DA: And did you receive any medical treatment?

Y/n: No sir. Mr Woodstock said if I even thought about going to the hospital that he would kill me. He also called in sick to school for me so no one would be able to see the damage.

There is a silence as we all take in what she has told us. This was just one occasion. I can't imagine the fear she must have lived in.

DA: This is another difficult question. But I have to ask it. Did he ever sexually assault you or any of the other kids.

Y/n: No. Well, I guess I can only confirm for sure that he did not with me. I don't believe he did with any of the other kids. But I would not be able to say that with certainty.

I didn't realise how much I needed to hear that. I let out a breath of relief. There was a part of me that was terrified that she had experienced far more pain that she had shared. But hearing her confirm that she had at least been spared that pain, is a small bit of solace I can take.

DA: Thank you Y/n you are doing so well. I just have two more questions for you. The night that the police were called on the defendant, could you explain how you had come to be injured that day?

Y/n: Whenever we had guests, Mr Woodstock would make sure that we all looked our best, the house was spotless, and he was sober. After a misunderstanding, my biological mother and Mr Osborne had come to the house looking for me. As he wasn't expecting them, Mr Woodstock was drunk when they arrived. When I returned home that evening, he was angry at me that they had come by and seen him in that state.

DA: Thank you Y/n. Is there anything that you'd like to add to your testimony?

I watch as Y/n ponders the question. We knew this was going to be asked but she had always declined adding anything. But for the first time her gaze moves to the defendant's table, and she locks eyes with Mr Woodstock.

Y/n: I've not had an easy life. My adopted parents were just as bad as Mr Woodstock. When I was moved into his home, I felt relief that maybe I was able to get a childhood that I had missed out on. Yes, I may have had more freedom and the chance to make new friends. But what you don't see is the effect that Mr Woodstock has had on me internally. I struggle to trust people, which is very hard when you're trying to build new relationships. I'm constantly questioning my worth after being told that I'm useless and unwanted. I have both mental and physical scars all because of that man. He made my life hell and I'm grateful that he is finally being held accountable for his actions. I just wish I had the courage to step forward sooner. But I will say, for all the pain I went through, some goodness came from it all. I was reunited with my mother, and I have a family now. I'm in a place where I am safe and loved. Somewhere you always said that I would never get. Well, I proved you wrong Mr Woodstock. I'm finally happy.

Pride overwhelms me at her words. I still have an endless stream of tears running down my cheeks as my emotions are all over the place. Her gaze moves from that horrible man to me, and I mouth 'I love you' to her and give her a teary smile. One that she returns easily.

DA: That was very well said Y/n. Thank you for taking the time to come and share your experience today. I understand that this is very hard for you to have to relive, but we appreciate you being brave enough to share your story. The state has no further questions your honour.

My heart starts to beat harshly against my chest as the defence lawyer stands behind his desk unbuttoning his suit jacket. I pray he goes easy on her. Not breaking her down and making people question her truth. There is nothing I can do but watch what is about to occur.

"Your honour. I cannot in good conscience cross examine this witness. I have no evidence to the contrary of Miss Y/l/n's testimony and the outbursts from my client have added to her statement. It would be immoral for me to question her honesty when I believe her words. So, with that said, the defence rests." We are all in shock as he declines to cross examine taking us all by surprise.

"Are you serious! You're not going to defend me?!" Mr Woodstock shouts at his lawyer. Keeping calm, we watch as he whispers something to Mr Woodstock who looks frustrated before reluctantly accepting whatever it is he said. "Your honour. My client would like to adjust his plea from not guilty to guilty on all accounts." There's another collective gasp from the audience in the courtroom. That was not how we saw this going.

"I cannot say that I don't appreciate the unnecessary use of federal funds for this court case. But I appreciate you changing your plea before more can be wasted. I will call a recess until Friday when I will sentence the Defendant." The judge hits his gavel and court is dismissed. "Miss Y/l/n, you're free to leave the stand now." The judge smiles kindly at her whilst Danny moves quickly to help her.

We all jump up and move to Y/n, taking our turns to hug her. When it gets to me, I hold her tightly as we both cry in each other's arms. "You are incredibly brave for doing what you did, and I can't tell you how proud I am of you." I tell her whilst cupping her face. "Thanks mom." She returns through a small smile. "You did a great job Y/n. You spoke as someone far beyond your years." Danny compliments her as I finally let her go from my grip. "All thanks to your help." She replies but Danny shakes his head. "That was all you." He defends.

"How about I go and grab the car and we can head home and get some takeout to celebrate?" Colin suggests and we all agree. "Come on, I'll escort you out." Danny says, as we make our way out of the courtroom and towards the exit of the courthouse.

When the door opens, we're met by a flood of bright flashes. I look around and see paparazzi surrounding us.

Scarlett who is the girl?

Why are you in court?

Is she your secret daughter?

Who hurt her?

I quickly move to Y/n's side as Laura stands protective on the other. Danny walks slightly ahead to block the view on my daughter as Lizzie flows behind as we basically block her in and hopefully from view of the intrusive cameras. I avoid every question being shouted at us, and focus on making sure my daughter makes it safely to the car.

Thankfully, Colin doesn't take long to arrive at the bottom of the steps and the security guards have come over to help too. We get Y/n in the back of the car and all slip in as quickly as we can so we can get away from this madness.

When we're around the corner and out of sight, I turn around to see Y/n breathing heavily on the back seat. "Are you ok? I'm so sorry about that? I don't know how they knew we were there." I rush out hoping she doesn't blame me. "It's ok mom. You couldn't help it." She responds, giving me a half hearted smile. "It was bound to come out at some point." She adds on. "Yeah, but this was not how I wanted it to. I wanted to control it, so you were as safe and as comfortable with it as possible." I share, frustrated that it's come out like this. "Seriously mom it's fine." She reiterates so I leave it for now.

When we get home, we all change out of our nice clothes and into comfy alternatives for our lazy evening. The atmosphere is completely different. It's lighter now. "Why did you ask them to call you Y/n in there? Danny had mentioned about courtroom protocol." Laura asks Y/n, whose gaze dropped to her hands. "I don't like my name?" She mumbles. "What do you mean?" Colin asks. She then looks up shyly. "Y/l/n is the name of the people who hurt me most. I didn't want him to keep using it whilst I testified." She admits almost scared to do so.

"Then let's change it." I state confidently. Both Y/n and Colin's heads snapping to look at me. "I think we need to address the rumours before they get out of control. I would love it if I could introduce my daughter to the world as Y/n Johansson." I smile at her. "Let us adopt you. You've always been my daughter, but I want it to be legally so. I want there to be no doubt that you are part of this family and I'm your mom." I'm practically begging her. I just hope that she feels the same.

"You're serious? You both want that?" Y/n asks, looking to Colin now. "Oh kiddo. I don't need a bit of paper to call you, my daughter. But adopting you would make me happier than you'd ever know." Colin shares with a teary smile. "So, what do you think?" I ask her as I wait for her response, my heart thumping in my chest. Y/n looks around to Lizzie and Laura who are both smiling widely at her. "Ok, I'd love that. You've given me everything I could ask for. Everything I thought I would never get. Thank you so much." She responds.

At those words I'm out of my seat and wrapping her in a tight hug. "Thank you for coming back to me and giving me a chance to make things right with you. I can't tell you the happiness you have brought to my life by being here again. I promise you that you will always have a safe home here. I love you so much my sweet girl." I tell her as I hold her close. We have cried so much today, but this time it's happy tears and I couldn't be happier.

Y/n's POV:

I can't believe it. They're actually adopting me. They really do want me to be part of this family. There was a time that I thought that I wouldn't be able to forgive Scarlett. But now I can look back and see that she thought she was doing what was best for me. She had no control over what would happen to me. She trusted that the state would keep me safe. I can't blame her forever.

She has done nothing but prove herself since I moved here. She has given me so much love as well as a dad, a sister and brother. Hell, she's given me this huge wider family too. It's surreal to me that I have that now. As we settle down, I cuddle into Laura, who wraps her arm around me and places a kiss on my head. "Are you ok?" She whispers to me so the others can't hear. "I'm happier than I've ever been. I've got the most amazing girlfriend I could ask for and a family I never thought I'd have." I respond truthfully, moving my head so I can connect my lips with hers. As I pull away, I look into her gaze and just see love in return. "I got my happy ending."

[hussyknee]

I'm so fucking mad.

Yesterday I took 50mg of Atomoxetine (Strattera) out of sheer frustration instead of my prescribed 30mg which was doing nothing.

And then...I was like "get up" and I would get up. "Go find the electricity bill" and went and found the electricity bill. "Sort through all the mail and organise it" and just. Fucking. Did it. No getting stuck for half an hour and spiralling in anxiety because my executive commands weren't going through.

I went to the hospital and begged those fuckers to increase my dosage and spent half an hour trying to convince them that this is clearly my ADHD symptoms being exacerbated by anxiety that's fucking me up. They refused, said "Oh, but anyone would find it difficult to function in your situation", and increased my Venlafaxine (Effexor) instead, although that fuckin plateaus any further than the dosage I already take. My primary doc knows this, but I have better luck catching Bigfoot than her at NHSL anymore so I keep having to tussle with the junior dipshits.

Granted I seem to have overshot a bit, because I spent a while vibrating into the fifth dimension. Felt like I'd had six cups of coffee and needed to do three things at once. Perhaps I should have attempted 40mg first. But 50mg very much did catapult me out of this neverending rut.

WEEKS OF BEING TRAPPED BY THE STATIC IN MY BRAIN LIKE A ROOMBA ON A RUG. I couldn't get out of bed, eat on time, shower, make my bed, do my laundry, go to bed. The simplest fucking tasks like pushing a boulder uphill with a stick. Sitting on the bed doomscrolling and tearing the soles of my feet into strips so bloody that it hurt to walk. I don't pick at my feet anymore! Didn't even realize I hadn't until the end of yesterday. This is the first time I've stopped in months. I stock up on band-aids and keep them next to my bed because I usually bleed in about three places within a day. And I pick the scabs off the still-healing wounds. All stopped by 20mg more of Strattera!!!

In other medication fuckery, I stopped the anti-inflammatory meds I was taking for my back because 1) the total cost of my meds was getting insane and 2) I haven't been in pain the last two months. I looked up whether there were side effects for long-term use of NSAIDs and found that using any of them with Venlafaxine increases the chance of gastrointestinal bleeding?? The way I've been having all this time?? Was my rheumatologist ever gonna tell me?? I'm just so used to flares, so fogged in my head and so relatively pain-free that I didn't especially note it. Turns out– the only reason I haven't been in pain is because I was taking the fucking anti-inflammatories. Imagine that! So I can either take Venlafaxine (which I cherish like a child regardless of the wrath-of-God withdrawal any time I miss a single dose) or I can take NSAIDs??

*googles anti-inflammatory meds other than NSAIDs*

Internet: "eat pineapple idk. have you tried tumeric?"

I hate my life.

[violet-rose-95]

Anything Helps: Phone Bill, Meds, Bus Pass ($120, at least $50 due Oct 2nd)

I hate that I have to keep doing this. I don't wanna keep doing this. I wanna have my own income.

But I'm gonna be blunt and simple. The job hunt has not been successful. The movie theater turned me down. The two shops across the street turned me down. The grocery store turned me down. I have no income, and not from lack of trying. I have been trying, but no one's hiring. And I still need to pay my $50 phone bill.

But now I have more expenses I need to take care of. I had a meeting with a neuropsychiatrist, and he set me up with two prescriptions, one for ADHD and one for anxiety and depression. They're both about 20 bucks each, one's $21.53 and the other's a flat $20 but I'm almost positive tax will bring that up. I've got a sampler of the ADHD meds and I'm trying that out right now, but they'll only hold my fluoxetine for two weeks.

And on top of that, I'm running REALLY low on funds for my bus pass. I'm usually able to stretch it quite a bit, cuz I've been able to make $30 work for two whole months, but I'm down to my last couple dollars. Each trip is $2 ($1 on the trip there, $1 on the return trip) and I'm down to my last 8 or so dollars.

So, all together, that ends up being about $120: 50 for the phone bill, 30 for the bus pass, 40 and some change for the medication. ...there's also another 10 that I need to keep my email inbox open, but I won't hold out hope for that one.

Anything helps, I hate that I keep doing this...

Crazy to think it's been a year since I started asking for donations to help me get out of this house, and now... now I'm just asking to help pay my bills and I'm nowhere closer to getting out of this hell I'm living in.

[undeadorion]

I've been on T for nearly a decade. And still I'm mad about the delivery method.

Patients should not be expected to *draw their own meds* when other options are available. Patients should not eve expected to do their own intramuscular injections. It's so dangerous.

T can be done subcutaneously with even better effect than IM. Unlike other hormones, it doesn't get trapped in fat. Source: I've been doing it the whole time and I have so much hair on my face no one believes I'm trans. Also several medical studies I read before switching that are lost to the sands of time because that was nearly a decade ago.

But there are all manner of pre-filled injectors you can use. Insulin comes in pre-filled syringes that you just jab and inject yourself. My diabetes medication comes in a whole pen where just have to hit a button and it's done for me.

With T I need a syringe and 2 needles. I have to use one needled to draw the medication, make sure it's the exact right dosage, swap to the injection needle, then do the injection. I've dropped so many needles. The dosage is never quite right. There's a ton of waste because I get 1mL vials but because T is a thick oil, you only get a bit more than .5mL out of each one. And because T is a controlled substance, you're not supposed to just throw it in the trash. So it looks like you're stock piling because you forget to take them when you go somewhere that has medication disposal.

Then there's just GETTING the needles. The only issue with my current pharmacy is sometimes they're out of a specific size. Chances of that are doubled because I need 2 different ones. But at other pharmacies they require a prescription for the exact size and length of the needle. If your Rx is for an 18G 1in needle, but they only have either a 21G 1in or a 18G 1.5in they won't give you those. You have to go back to your doctor to have them change the Rx to the exact size the pharmacy has in stock. So depending on the configuration you're not managing 1 Rx, you're juggling 3 or 4. it's fine when they're all in sync but one week one of them gets delayed, then another one. So now your needles, syringes, and medication are scattered through out the month.

Just give me a prefilled syringe goddamn it.

[heartshattering]

No but seriously how do I start to put myself back together again?

It's so difficult for me to even think of where to begin

I've heard the most basic thing you need to fix is sleep but that's the #1 most difficult thing for me. I wish I could sleep naturally again but ever since those 2 weeks without my refill, I've been needing my sleep med more than I did before when just last month I was doing fine on a very low reduced dose and didn't need it every night.

My eating has been bad, idk how to explain it exactly? But I've been getting more cravings for the foods that I know are going to make me sick later. Like most of what I want to eat now are foods I'm really not supposed to be eating because of IBS but I do it anyway and make myself sick all night long. I'm going to end up destroying my digestive system, if the shitty food doesn't do it then most likely it'll be from taking NSAID meds when I'm not supposed to and just all the other stupid shit I keep doing to myself.

I hate the way my body looks now, but I really don't want to go back to being underweight after all the work it took for me to get better. But I feel like I'm going to slip back into my old patterns thanks to stress and feeling the need for control when I feel so helpless right now.

I really don't have a support system because neither one of my parents can really help... like my dad just doesn't get it, and my mom is the sickest person in the house so she deserves all the attention. Everyone in my family is either dead, mentally ill, or physically ill.

I found out my so called best friend was using me this whole time and her true colors only started to show once she got her bf.

I never accomplish as much as I want. I'm sick and frustrated all the time.

Yeah, I have started to slowly leave the house more, but I'm still like 95% just a shut-in. I feel like I'm lying to the people I meet because I bet they wouldn't think someone who seems as "sweet" and "friendly" as I try to be has done things like s-h, been on so many meds, hurt myself, has a false DUI charge, had a nurse tell me my only future is to either end up dead or in jail, hates my fake friends and have a lot anger towards people in general, overuses caffeine even though i have a heart condition, have all these past traumas because of S-A, death, abuse, and other shit that never got resolved because they're "too much" for medical professionals to handle. God I just hate myself and it's getting harder and harder to live like this, I'm really slipping and spiraling and there's nothing I can fucking do about it except pray that I can sleep.

[dsnzfb]

List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who reblogged something from you! Get to know your mutuals and followers (ू•‧̫•ू⑅)♡ No pressure though!

🥹 omg youuu

1. My ocs!! They hold a permanent and deep place in my heart and brain and I love thinking about and talking about them w people 💖

2. Whatever the hell I'm hyperfixated on at the moment. It's an indie game with a small fanbase right now so I can't say it here or I might be found 💖 but previous hyperfixations give me joy still too! Sonic Adventure 2 (actually the entire sonic franchise), Final Fantasy IV, Megaman, Gundam, Puyo Puyo, Hollow Knight, all of it. I find such joy in stuff like that, it makes me happy.

3. Good food! My appetite isn't quite back yet to how it should be, but when I'm back to my usual fatso shenanigans you KNOW I'm gonna have me some sushi, burgers, yakisoba, anything comforting and warm. I love food!! I love enjoying food! I love sharing food!

4. Creation. I love drawing and writing stuff. I don't do it as much as I'd like to, but you can only do what you're able to, right? Don't be hard on yourself and burn yourself out, take things at your own pace. I'm just recovering from my animation burnout, so the joy in creating things is relatively new after the past 2 years have been create create create for 9 hours a day, 5 days a week. There's only so much you can continue to come up with when your animatics leave a LOT to be desired, usually being like, one picture per scene and little-to-no character direction. And the AMOUNT of full shots with 6 characters that last AAAAGES... Girliepops, zoom into the heads more, please... Anyway, I'm complaining now. I'm happy that the show's over so I'm making things for me! Maybe I'll actually do some animation for myself in the future.

5. Spending time with my friends! This sounds SOOOOO fuckin cheesy, but I've been spending a lot more time with my buddies recently. We don't even end up doing anything, we just chat, eat, show each other memes, and watch silly stuff on YouTube together. Even friends on discord are bringing me joy recently! I appreciate whenever anyone chooses to talk to me 🥹 my mental health has been rocky for a long time, but new meds and new friends are helping a whole lot.

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #256

[TW: SUICIDE] Do you know anyone who has committed suicide? Yes. One was a childhood online friend (YES, I am aware she could've been lying, but I wholeheartedly believe her), and I didn't realize until I was older JUST how deeply it affected me. Her name was Journee. I fell in love with her name and have used it for characters since, I think it's a magical, story-filled name.

Do you think Jersey people are annoying? Cool, stereotypes. No, I don't think people from NJ are doomed to be fucking annoying.

Does your mom think you’re a virgin? I don't know.

What do you think about people who party a lot? I think that's not my business.

What are you listening to? I'm watching Woolie VS play the Elden Ring DLC.

Are you the one that normally makes the first move? No.

Do you currently work? Even without having disability officially yet, I've only recently grown comfortable with admitting I'm disabled by my depression. No.

Do you take any prescribed medication? I have a shitload of prescribed meds.

Have you ever watched a needle go into your own skin? Yes.

Have you ever seen someone get a piercing/tattoo? Yes to both.

[TW: ABUSE] Do you know someone that is/was abused by their parents? A few people.

Do you like strawberry and banana smoothies? Yes, as long as it's not too banana-y.

Have you ever spent more than two weeks in a wheelchair? No.

Does weed smell good? Or no? I don't think it does.

Have you ever played golf? No, other than mini-golf. I never will; I'm morally opposed to golf courses. They destroy a shitload of land and require a lot of water to maintain that could be used for better purposes.

Do you like beer? If so, what’s your favorite brand? Beer was my alcoholic dad's drink of choice. I will not touch it. Even the smell makes me feel sick.

Have you ever been pulled over for speeding? No, but I think it's only fair to consider how short my driving career was.

Do you feel bad when you throw food out? I'm not going to lie, I don't think about it.

What was the last wedding you attended? A friend's I photographed.

Are you religious? What do you believe in? I am not.

What is your favorite video game? Silent Hill 2 and Shadow of the Colossus. For each, I prefer their remakes, but the OGs are also fantastic and were still my favorites before the remakes came out.

Have you ever made your own pizza or pasta dough? No.

Are you lactose intolerant? No.

Does it take a lot for you to cry, or does it happen easily? Oh I'm a crybaby.

Do you tan easy? No, I burn.

Do you have two of the same pair of pants? No.

Do you know anyone with Type 1 Diabetes? Uh, I'm not sure. I know/have known many people with diabetes, but I don't know which type.

Do you have a lot of pictures of you and your friends? No. All my closest friends don't live here.

What did you have for dinner last night? Buffalo chicken bites and fries.

Have you ever been rock climbing? No, besides those fake walls you could find at some events as a kid.

Do you own a bean bag chair? No. I actually want one, but Mom pointed out Roman (my cat) would probably pop it, so not a good idea.

Are you allergic to anything? What? I am literally allergic to most things outside.

Do you own any vinyl records? No. My mom used to have some, but she sold them yeeeeaaaars ago.

Have you ever touched a caterpillar? Yes, I picked them up all the time as a kid.

Have you ever met someone famous? Who? Do tell! No.

Who else is in the room with you? Nobody.

Do you think age matters in relationships? If you're 21+, I don't really care what you do in relationships. *I* couldn't do an extreme age gap, I'd find it weird and like we're not at similar phases in our lives, but I'm not *morally* against it and won't judge others for doing it.

What was the last thing you watched on the TV? The second-to-last episode in the second season of Squid Game. I'm ready to watch the finale.

Where was the last place you went out to eat? Buffalo Wild Wings with Girt for Valentine's.

Are your nails currently long? No.

Where’s the closest church to you? Do you attend it? Like literally a minute away, and no.

Dr. Pepper or Root Beer? I hate root beer, Dr. Pepper is fine.

Favorite flavor of cream cheese? Just... normal...?

What US state would you like to visit? If I'm ever in the condition to herp and not basically die, I REALLY want to visit Arizona. I'd love to visit Colorado and Michigan, and Wyoming is a big one for Yellowstone.

If you live in a house, how many floors does it have? If you live in an apartment building, how many units does it have? Just one.

Have you ever put on or lost a significant amount of weight? Both.

On a scale of 1-5, how often do you curse? 5.

Tell me something you like about yourself. I think I have a very strong moral compass and care a lot about the wellfare of people in general.

Do you prefer salty or sweet treats? I THINK I like sweet more often.

Do you have a favorite actor or actress? Not really these days. Betty White was my favorite.

Are you or have you ever been a smoker? No.

What are your favorite summer activities? Swimming. Summer is generally too hot for me, so being in the water is good.

Have you ever taken an Uber or Lyft? Yes, a few times now.

Would you pay someone to kill the person who hurt you a lot? No.

Have a best friend? I consider my boyfriend my best friend. I have three very close friends.

Does it bother you when your best friend does stuff without you? No, he's allowed to have his own life.

Do you usually tell people when you’re mad at them? I think most of the time, no. Hm... maybe half and half. It depends on the situation and who I'm mad at.

What's your favourite way to eat potatoes? Fries.

Do you prefer The Lord of the Rings or the Hobbit movies, if you like any of them? I haven't seen either.

Which Harry Potter film was your favourite? What about your least favourite? I didn't watch these movies and I certainly won't now because terfs can die.

Have you or have you ever considered messing around with the same sex? What is your opinion on same sex marriage? I have messed around with the same sex. If you are against adults in love being allowed to get married, don't even fucking breathe near me.

Do you enjoy piercings & tattoos? I absolutely do.

Do you prefer to shower at night or in the morning? Neither; I prefer the afternoon. I'm too drowsy to shower in the morning, and it's a nightmare for me to sleep with wet hair, you don't wanna see me in the morning. My hair is too thick to reasonably blowdry, it takes eons.

Have you ever said you'd never love again? I sure did! I genuinely didn't think it'd be possible, I wasn't JUST being dramatic. Turns out I was wrong.

Did you like middle school? No. My memory of middle school is frighteningly blurry, and I say frightening because my childhood memory is generally VERY good. But middle school is just... a fog. This is when my mental illnesses manifested, and I think that has a big hand in that.

Have you ever hugged a complete stranger? Not a COMPLETE stranger, at least that I remember.

Where would you rather live, England or Australia? England. Some of the wildlife in Australia scares me too much lol, plus I'm assuming it'd be hotter than England.

Did you go to your senior prom? Yes.

What was your first job? GameStop sales associate.

Did your parents live in a different country before you were born? No.

Are you happy with your weight? Absolutely not.

Does your job allow piercings or tattoos? Maybe this is petty, but I literally wouldn't work in an environment like this. I can't wait until the generation that enforces this shit are no longer the people hiring.

Would you ever enlist in the army? I would never sell my body to fight rich men's wars and kill people.

How many kids would you want? Absolutely none.

Do you use Tumblr? What do you normally post? My main blog is Rammstein-based.

Have you ever been accused of cheating? No.

How about having an eating disorder? No.

Would you ever go on a birth control pill? I've been on birth control for years because it makes my periods manageable.

Have you ever taken a train? No, but I would like to.

[solacescastleglow]

How I Levelled Up My Life with ME/CFS: A Hyperspecific Guide for Absolutely No-one

***DISCLAIMER*** This won't work for many people. In no way am I saying to do what I did and all your problems will be solved. If anything, this is a message to ablebodied people that people with chronic illnesses have to work so much harder to get to the point that they get to start from.

I have deliberately kept quiet about my illnesses on this blog; it just seems 'un-aesthetic'. But then I realised how much my self improvement has been impacted by my illnesses, and how so much of my levelling up seems small and basic if you don't know about my health history. So, here it is. I have h-EDS (and everything that comes with it) and ME/CFS, and this is how I went from a 1-2 to a 5-6 on this quality of life scale by the American Chronic Pain Association.

Medication

Wait for the miracle drug and take it

For me, it was Dr. Marco Leitzke's Nicotine Test. I started using nicotine patches in February of 2024, 10 years after my disease onset, with immediate positive effects. This singlehandedly took me from housebound, in bed for 18 hours a day and crashing if I took a shower more than twice a week, to being able to cook, exercise lightly, and leave the house all in one day without major consequences. I cannot emphasise enough how much of a game changer this was for me. It doesn't work on everyone, but for some people it does, and I was lucky to be one of those people.

Get your mental health in check

I am on a combination of sertraline and aripiprazole for my OCD and mood disorder. This has made the mental load of existing much lighter, giving me more ability to think about things in a healthy way.

Movement

Moving countries/back in with my parents

While the majority of this section is about physical movement, I wanted to take a second and say that moving into a place where I have support from my parents, and also a 15 minute neighbourhood with lots of stuff going on and people being supportive and accepting, has changed a lot about me. For the better.

Somatic healing

I have a lot of trauma, from illness and other things, and all that trauma was making me sicker. Talk therapy helped me immensely, and now I'm working on somatic healing techniques to release more of that. Every thing I manage to let go of, the better my health gets. And that's not even an affirmation, that's a genuine fact.

Exercise

I know, I know. Every chronically ill person has been told to try yoga. I didn't do it for the longest time, but after getting my meds sorted out, I could finally try it without devastating consequences. And, unfortunately for my stubborn self, it worked. My theory is that yoga does help, but only if you have the capacity to do it. I've now moved on to weight training, pilates, and calisthenics, and I can rock climb and play badminton again. It's truly a beautiful thing to be able to move your body with joy.

The mental load of being a wheelchair user

It gets exhausting always being on, always supporting my core, always needing to check to make sure I'm not about to roll off a curb or bump into things. To add to that, my neighbourhood isn't the most accessible. Eventually, I got to a point strength-wise where using platform crutches took up less energy than a wheelchair. Now, I reserve my chair for longer trips I know I wouldn't make standing up.

Mindset

Playing catch up

Because my recovery was so quick, my brain still hasn't really caught up to the fact that I can do things. A lot of what I'm focussing on at the moment is based on allowing myself to leave the house, and getting into self care routines that are more in line with an ablebodied person's. There was a level of dirt that I just accepted in my life and on my body, because I knew I didn't have the energy to do anything about it. Now, I'm changing my standards, which is hard.

Self concept

The thing with self concept work is that you need proof. Proof that it's working, proof that you're not just lying to yourself. And to get that you need wins, no matter how small. Before I started nicotine patches, there was no way to do it, because any 'wins' were followed by debilitating illness. But now that I have that proof, I'm getting so much stronger, and I'm starting to identify less as 'chronically ill' and more as 'recovering from chronic illness'. I will always be disabled, but I now view myself as someone other than the sick kid, which I was stuck in for a long time.

Just start

Last year, I decided to just start complimenting strangers on the street. It was something I'd always been too scared to do, but I did it anyway, and even though it was just as scary as I thought it would be, I did it again. And again. And now I've made a friend (my only friend in almost 7 years) because of it! It's really scary, but sometimes you just have to get over the fear and do it anyway.

More

Whole foods and eating

I have no idea if the reverse is true, but my diet improved drastically because my health did. There was nothing morally wrong with the way I was eating before, but I eat more consistently and with more fresh ingredients now, which has made my stomach feel less heavy and greasy. If you want advice: get a pressure cooker, an air fryer, and the book Crip Up the Kitchen. In addition I'd suggest a food chopper of some kind, or living with someone who's willing to do the chopping.

Medical transition

With all of this, I've hit a ceiling in how much better my life can get. I'm genuinely over the moon to be at the point where the main thing holding me back is dysphoria, and I now live in a place where that can be treated. This is the next thing on my list, and I'm so excited!

[sp-ud]

Genloss is a tragedy. No not the actual content, but how hard it fucking fell off.

Now, I know there are still people who enjoy it, even enjoy the new things and are excited with each new release of the founders game chapters.

And if you are one of those people, good for you. Genuinely, good for you. Don't let me being a hater ruin your own enjoyment. So I'd recommend maybe not reading this post cuz im not gonna be sympathetic to genloss or ranboo. If you couldn't guess by my opening sentence.

Anyways, I don't know it's just. Sad. To see something that had so much potential just fall flat so quickly. In retrospect as soon as the founders cut took more than 3 months it should have been obvious the whole project was kinda fucked.

And tbh I do not care about any thing like "ranboos just one guy", "it's their first project", "their adhd medication wasn't being properly supplied" etc etc. Like 1) ranboo literally isn't the only guy credited as editing the founders cut in the version that did end up releasing. 2) okay, same with like. 99% of other indie horror things. And those guys usually don't start out with enough money to rent out malls and buy expensive props that can only be used for one thing. 3) we loop back to the team thing. I'm someone who genuinely can barely function on days I don't take my adhd meds btw

Back on topic instead of countering arguments I've seen before but haven't actually been brought up to me.

It's just, there's this lack of cohesion and planning in what we've gotten since TSE that is just. So strange. I would say it comes from ranboos perfectionism but everything that keeps coming out is half-baked shit that sure seems unfinished.

Like, the founders cut was so fucking unpolished which is insane for something that took over a year. And we can't try to make it an in-universe thing, be for fucking real. Ranboo wasn't thinking like that.

And ngl when ranboo was reacting to that fnaf timeline video and like, praised "community storytelling" (aka when u throw a bunch of shit out, seen fans theorizing and go "oh wait ahit that's smart, yeah that's what I meant haha") it just. Made me feel so defeated cuz that kind of storytelling isn't fucking good.

It works well enough for fnaf but that's cuz it's fnaf. Look at how little attention generation loss gets outside of its initial and constantly shrinking bubble.

Admittedly it was gonna always be hard to follow tse, those kinds of productions are pricy. No shit. But the next steps being:

1: Twitter acc that kept going on hiatus because ranboo hadn't even fully planned it out before ranboo just decided to scrap the Twitter acc and just vaguely promise zero will return somewhere else

2: a slapped together cut of tse that completely fails at being a quicker introduction to the series compared to watching the original streams that clearly doesn't understand any of the elements that made tse charming and enjoyable even if cringeworthy at times

3: a second person pov book disguised as a choose your own adventure where not a single choice has actually mattered, not even the ones that were voted on and had to wait a whole week to find out what happened next.

Is just kinda insane to me. Like idk how u fumbled it that hard.

Yall remember how ranboo gave us a generation 2 Spotify playlist? Oh or what about "generation 0: the story of lostfield" which they showed off the title card for at twitchcon and vidcon? Where the fuck is any news even about those. I'd at least like some clarification about if the founders game is tied to literally either of those.

Getting off track here but tbh this is just me collecting all my annoyed/frustrated generation loss thoughts into one post.

But it's just like. Idk it's just weird that it took over a year after Tse for ranboo to get enough of a team to keep them on track and producing things consistently. And then for that thing to be. Literally none of the things we were expecting.

And now that we're 7 weeks in, technically 8 if we're counting the skipped week. 9 if we include the week we waited for after inputting the password. I'm just tired man. I'm tired of waiting for genloss to be good. Of trying to trust the process.

"Letting ranboo cook" only for Tse to finally be what we got did work, but it just. Really doesn't feel like ranboo gets why tse worked for so many people. And no, it wasn't just the inclusion of other popular ccs although that did certainly help if we r being blunt.

Tse had a story that left you guessing what was intentional and what wasn't. Only for the final reveal to be that it all was intentional, it was us the audience that was being experimented on, being tested. And that was cool as shit!

But, nothing has been able to get even close to that yet. This newest chapter of tfg's did briefly give me an "oh shit" moment at the start. But then the chapter just. Went no where. It was empty. And now we have to wait another week for the payoff. Another week on top of 7/8/9 weeks.

And listen, I get good stuff takes time. I get that many other indie horror things go months without updating. But like. There's just nothing aside from a small sense of obligation and vague interest to see if it's finally interesting or if I'll just have something to complain about with my friends that keeps me coming back.

It's not engaging, it's not something I'm really all that invested in. I keep fucking forgetting every week that a new chapter is coming out cuz there's just nothing to be excited for.

Im not even excited that we will be talking to the founder or whatever in the next chapter which is crazy cuz I feel like I used to be pretty invested in the founder specifically. Like I was the guy who constantly brought up the merch site's about page that was a message from the founder when no one else did.

Anyways that kinda wraps up my frustrated thoughts on genloss at this current point in time. Sorry it might be hard to follow.

Also, if ur someone who genuinely has still been enjoying genloss and/or the founders game who actually did read through all of this, I'd be genuinely interested in hearing ur opinions. I mean, you read through all of mine so its only fair. And also I just. Genuinely want to know what other people r finding fun abt the recent things as pretty much everyone in my direct sphere has roughly the same opinions as me.

[motionpicturedemise]

myth's game writeup of 2023

i waited until the new year to finish this in case i managed to beat a game during december. i did not. ANYWAY.

this will contain new games as well as games i only got around to in 2023. light on spoilers but be warned

Octopath Traveler II (2023)

as far as i remember, this was the first new game I played this year, and god did it deliver. I've been a fan of octopath since the first one came out on switch in 2018, counting it as my favorite game of all time, so to have a sequel after all this time was thrilling. it did almost everything octopath 1 did and better. new path actions, day/night system, branching stories, fucking boats?? incredible.

my biggest gripe has to be the new hidden classes. I started with throne so getting inventor 10 minutes after my chapter one did definitely fuck up the progression a little bit. I think I preferred ot1 hidden classes. while the dungeons were underwhelming, the boss battles really make you fight for these secret techniques, something absent in 3 out of the 4 hidden classes of octopath 2.

overall: 4/5 BP.

Xenoblade Chronicles 3: Future Redeemed (2023)

xenoblade 3 as the end of the klaus trilogy really didn't sit well with me, for reasons that don't belong on my review of its dlc, but future redeemed fixed nearly every problem i had with base xc3 — both story and gameplay wise. it ties every xenoblade game and even some of gears and saga into a neat little 40 hour bow, and is truly a love letter to the entire series. I can only think of one problem I still have with it. the fucking menu music.

where do i even fucking start with this one really. relatively speaking, I'm a new xenoblade fan, having started xc1 in march 2022 during a harrowing experience with adhd meds, and since then it had kinda consumed me. I finished it in about a week, went on to watch xenoblade 2 because I had heard the gameplay wasn't great, and got my hands on xenoblade 3 day of release.

overall: 5 dance apples.

Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom (2023)

as someone who was not immune to the hype surrounding botw, I had high hopes for the sequel. hopes that were painfully, slowly, fed into a trash compactor over my playthrough. this is another game I got on release day, lining up outside gamestop in the heat, and lets not forget that it's the only first-party switch game with a price tag of seventy bucks.

the game plays like a tech demo. I have a lot of love in my heart for it. the story was better that botw, the world was more expansive than botw, but the problem here is that everything it does is directly compared to breath of the wild. it doesn't get enough time to shine, because we're in the exact same world as 6 years ago, but instead of pinkish black malice we have blackish pink gloom. i much prefer the runes to the zonai abilities, and the sense of wonder that permeated breath of the wild is replaced by a sense of nostalgia that just doesn't appeal to me much.

all of this isn't to say it's a bad game. I think it's a great game, honestly, but a great game that wasn't meant for me. I've seen the insane shit people do with ultrahand, but it just... isn't my style.

overall: 441/1000 korok seeds

Pikmin 4 (2023)

it's pikmin. i dont have much to say about it. it was a lot of fun, loved that part where i bulborbed all over those guys. im not a gameplay reviewer, at heart i mostly talk about story, and a game like pikmin doesn't have much for me to comment on. good fun. lived up to expectations. probably wouldn't replay.

overall: 7500 sparklium

Final Fantasy XIV: Stormblood (2017)

oh, stormblood... the rage you still fill my veins with. I'm not going to spend too long on this one because I have better things to do with my life than shit on an expansion everyone already hates, but let me make it clear I actually do have reasons for disliking it.

having ala mhigo built up since the very start of a realm reborn, only to have half of the ala mhigo expansion take place halfway across the star, was very disappointing. the monotony of the three areas in gyr abania compared to the three far east areas was very disappointing. the treatment of the people of the steppe and honestly that entire segment in the main story quest was very disappointing. hien, as a character, in his entirety, was very disappointing.

I will say it had strong parts. the 61-70 quests for several jobs were the strongest in their entire story (see: dark knight). the dungeons started to get more interesting. it gave us the quest Child Labor, which is hilarious and I'll never be finishing it because I want it there forever.

overall: 1/3 WHM Lillies.

Final Fantasy XIV: Shadowbringers (2019)

ffxiv immediately got better the second 4.0 was over. even the patch quests instantly shot up in quality. it's not even funny. the lead up to shadowbringers was the most fun I had had with the game since a realm reborn, and all of the first was heartbreaking to go through even though I was spoiled on That Character's Identity.

the duty trust system (is that what it was called?) made dungeons much more fun. getting to go through hell with alphinaud alisaie and thancred made everything 10x better, even if it was a lot slower. the story, again, heartbreaking — ryne's arc in particular felt like being stabbed by thousands of little needles while trying to play. in the best way, of course. and amaurot... amaurot. getting to quote our favorite knight in there was my 8th umbral calamity.

shadowbringers also marks when a lot of your job's functionality is really unlocked, so doing the level 80 raid series was genuinely a ton of fun. and again the thousands of little needles. i cried at least 7 times during the main story.

overall: 85/100 kenki gauge.

Katana Zero (2019)

possibly my favorite game this year. the protagonist, zero (or as i like to call him, katana from zero,) ticked all the boxes for a character I'd be absolutely obsessed with. true enough, i fell in love. the fast-paced gameplay, the diegesis of gameplay elements which would typically go unquestioned, and the care that seeps through every dialogue choice all solidify katana zero as one of my favorite game experiences ever. I'll leave it at this, because I encourage everyone to at least give it a try.

overall: Yes, that should work.

Fire Emblem Engage (2023)

this is one of the few 2023 releases on this list that I didn't get on launch, because at the time I had relatively little interest in fire emblem as a series. then I made a lot of friends who enjoy it, and in october, bestie sen decided to buy it for me as an early birthday present. everyone say thank you sen.

considering this is my first fire emblem game, i have absolutely no deeper insight into how it matches up compared to the others, and plenty of people more eloquent than me have already talked about that. what I do know is that the gameplay was surprisingly fun as my first tactical rpg, and the story was passable. all the characters were appealing in one way or another, and I'm still mad I had to choose between marrying kagetsu or fogado. they're both my husbands at heart.

overall: I didn't internalize enough of this game to come up with a clever rating.

Fire Emblem Engage: Fell Xenologue (2023)

I was expecting the dlc to continue the main story, so I put it off until I had finished the base game. in hindsight, I regret it, because I'd love to have brought the winds and twins with me to fight their evil versions and alternate universe dad. the story was... alright. I really liked all the small battle interactions between fell characters and our party members which they would've known. I instantly recognized fogado in chapter 1 because I am in love with him by the way.

overall: i dont know. 1¾ dragonstones

with 2024 upon us, I'll probably be writing reviews for games as I play them. I'm trying to use tumblr more as a social platform instead of just reblogging. we'll see how that plays out. if you like any of these games (yes, even tears of the kingdom) please talk to me about them! that's all for now. look out for my mangled thoughts on SANABI and Nier: Automata next :)

[greaseonmymouth]

tagging games

hokay so I've been tagged in a bunch of these over the past few months weeks, by different people, so let's have some memetic fun

1. fanfic writer's bingo

I was tagged by @mslanna !

well, i did get one bingo! I have never commissioned fanart but I have received it. i debated whether to tick off that last square - 'wants to be a professional writer some day' because eh, i could take that or leave it? i do write original fiction and i have at times dreamt about getting it published, but also, i don't actually care. i write because i enjoy writing and getting paid for it i think is highly likely to make me hate it, so.

2. get to know you better game

I was tagged by @love-lays-bleeding !

get to know you better game! answer the questions and tag 9 people you want to know better.

last song i listened to: Danser Med Drenge - Alt for at beholde dig. it's on my Carl x Assad playlist but also Danser Med Drenge are just genuinely enjoyable in general

currently watching: 9-1-1, Grey's Anatomy, and Station 19. clawing at my face waiting for new episodes for all three shows. aside from that, nothing really, though I think I'll watch Dead Boy Detectives when it drops

currently obsessed with: 9-1-1, Afdeling Q.

3. nine people to get to know better

I was tagged by @foxesonstilts ! some repeat questions, but we'll manage.

last song: TV-2 - De første kærester på månen. this is also on my Carl x Assad playlist which makes no fucking sense because this is a song about teenagers in love and first heartbreak HOWEVER it is a banger and when spotify queued it up after my playlist finished, I was like, you know what, I'll just put it on the list.

favourite colour: considering how many blue items i own it must be blue. honestly though i love a lot of colours and am also partial to green, yellow, orange, pink, red, purple

currently watching: see above

sweet/savoury/spicy: all of them? they each have their time and place but most of all they belong in my mouth

relationship status: single and not willing to mingle

current obsession: finding a pair of hiking boots/shoes. i had ordered a pair THREE WEEKS AGO but UPS lost my parcel so i finally got refunded today but i'm leaving on holiday in less than a week and i still need fucking hiking shoes and i'm losing my mind

last thing you searched: "outdoor sport store london"

4. 20 questions for fic writers

I was tagged by @palavapeite !

1. How many works do you have on Ao3? 

117 on my main, but not all of them are fics and not all of the fics are written by me, or just me (some are fanbinding posts, some are fanart, some are collaborative works). including my other two accounts, we're talking 224 works in total.

2. What’s your total Ao3 word count?

on my main, 867,037 words, but that includes about 120k not written by me.

3. What fandoms do you write for? 

currently: Afdeling Q, BBC Shetland. though for the latest yuletide I went back to Volstovic Cycle for a stint and i wrote my first ever Ocean's 11 fic after years and years of only reading.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

that's 4 Harry Potter fics plus one Avengers/Batman crossover I wrote in 2012 on a whim after seeing the Dark Knight Rises and which became unexpectedly popular for a bit. I still love that fic though:

How to become a superhero and gain a family (minus the picket fence) - 7k, Tony Stark & Bruce Wayne, Steve/Tony. 2,758 kudos

the HP fics are:

Don't Blame Me (It Was All a Blur Last Night) - H/D, 7,468 kudos I'll Tell You a Secret (Just Don't Tell) - H/D, 5,209 kudos Here Now, Gone Yesterday (or Back to the Future) - R/S, T/J, 3,078 kudos Little Deaths and How to Avoid Them (or Draco Malfoy's Guide to Stop Dying and Start Living Instead) - H/D, 2,607 kudos

5. Do you respond to comments?

yes, usually. I stopped responding to comments on my HP fic a while ago because I couldn't summon the energy to engage with them, and more recently I turned off all comments for HP fic so that I wouldn't have to bother at all. I'm glad people are still able to enjoy these fics, but I need some distance.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I've written some dark fic in the past and I think what comes closest is this old thing I wrote for HP nextgendarkfest back in like 2011, in which some of the nextgen characters (including Harry's sons) were criminals who staged their own murders to cover up a heist they did but it implies that Harry was on to them, nearly caught them in the act, and was devastated about it.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

almost all of them??? most of what I write has a happy ending because I want happy endings, damn it. if by happiest you mean 'least complicated' or 'unadulterated joyful' or something like that, then maybe...I don't know, god, I could name at least 50 fics like that just off the top of my head.

You know what, let's do the most recent one:

Et Afdeling Q Julemysterie - this is pure fluff and happy ending and it makes me smile like a fool in love, so.

8. Do you get hate on fics? 

not in a while - I used to get some nasty comments on this one old HP fic that had a nextgen teenage character working out his sexuality, and some people took offense at the character being asexual/not being asexual enough/turning out to not be asexual in the end. like, make up your mind about what the problem is at least? I also got nasty comments on another HP fic which featured aromantic polyamorous Harry in a V relationship with Ginny and Draco (and Ginny herself was in a V relationship with Harry and Blaise) for various reasons, including but not limited to people not understanding that one can in fact be both polyamorous and aromantic at one and the same time. by the time i posted the everybody is trans HP fic I was anticipating nasty comments so I turned comment moderation on for that fic.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

sometimes. in the past I would include it (and hate writing it) because I thought you had to, but these days I only write it when I feel like it. more often than not it's some kind of character moment rather than a horny thing, though I do usually try to approach the smut writing from the angle of 'what would this character enjoy about having sex with this other character? what are their focus points? what are they horny for? what are their coherence levels? what are their sensitivities? how well do they know their own body? their partner's body? how do they communicate? etc. etc.' you'd think that leads to some very unsexy smut writing but if i'm honest i think those bits of writing actually wound up being both the horniest writing i've ever done AND the most true to character (according to my interpretation of the characters anyway).

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

a few - crossovers don't hold a lot of appeal for me in general, so when I've done crossovers there's usually been a 'what if?' spark that set if off.

aforementioned how to become a superhero fic, Avengers/Batman crossover, in which Tony Stark and Bruce Wayne are longtime friends.

it's pure filth that i hide (time for genocide) - Volstovic Cycle/Pacific Rim crossover (or possibly just fusion?). Volstovic Cycle characters pilot jaegers and fight kaijus, no pacrim characters appear.

Dragons - Volstovic Cycle/Harry Potter crossover (...or...fusion?) I can never remember the difference between crossovers and fusions. Harry Potter characters ride dragons á la Volstovic Cycle, no Volstovic Cycle characters appear.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes! the full list of translations (and podfics) of my fics is here. I've had fics translated into Russian and German.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

yes. @palavapeite mentioned this but we co-wrote an absolute deranged behemoth of a 'social media' fic (really, it was a 'livejournal' fic, but same difference) back in like 2008/2009 and it was honest to god some of the best fun I've ever had writing something and also, it was a work of ART.

I have since participated in fests like big bangs and reverse big bangs where I've written or made art, which is not quite the same as co-writing. I once ran a collab fest where I co-created a comic with three friends, which we cowrote and each drew various bits for, which was a lot of fun. and! with @gkkri we co-wrote (and illustrated) a R/S fic (but really it was a Sirius & Regulus fic in R/S disguise) back in 2017 as our last hurrah to the Remus/Sirius fandom as we were both feeling like we hadn't anything left to say for this ship and let me tell you, that co-writing process was like a dream and I'm still really proud of what we made.

14. What’s your all time favorite ship? 

I don't have one??? I'm a multifandom person, I enjoy a LOT of ships for various reasons and I don't think I have an all time favourite? some ships I cycle back to over time and some ships I never even write for, just read a shitton for. like I enjoy Steve/Tony still even though I haven't written any fic for them in over a decade? and I mean, despite my misgivings about JKR and general HP fatigue, I will never not love Remus/Sirius. and so on and so forth. the beauty of fandom is that there are so many great characters and dynamics out there to love

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

er, wellllllll there's this one Matt/Foggy wip languishing in my gdocs drive that I'm not convinced I will ever finish, but I really want to. I'll cycle back to it eventually probably. I also have this one Space AU for Caius/Al that I have officially abandoned, but I still think about it!! and yet!! that wip is probably approaching a decade old at this point. I don't know man.

I only have one active fanfic wip atm and that is my current Afdeling Q wip and I WILL finish it, I swear to everything that is beautiful in this world.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I have a lot of strengths and I'm not too humble to admit it, but I think my number one strength these days is that I Do Not Care what other people think anymore, I will write whatever I damn well please, the way I want to. if other people like it: great! if they don't: okay!

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

plot sjkdgkfljsgd especially of the crime solving variety. I will never ever be a crime fiction writer. I'm also not great with action-type of plots because....well, I like reading plotty stuff but when I'm writing? I don't care, I just care about my characters and their dynamics and arcs and development and I will hang it on the thinnest scaffolding possible I can get away with to make the story go.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? 

the kind of another-language-dialogue i see in fic most often seems to be weirdly pointless or out of character, just dropped in (usually by a monolingual English speaker) who thinks it adds flavour to the character, when really, that character has never once in canon slipped into their other language in dialogue. because, well, most multilingual people don't? speaking as a multilingual person I'm far more likely to say something like 'shit what is that called in English' than just say the word in Danish. i mean, tell me you don't understand codeswitching without telling me you don't understand codeswitching.

as a counterpoint to this actually i read a Buck/Eddie fic the other day where Eddie had lines in Spanish, and that I had no issue with because a) he speaks Spanish in the canon b) with his family 3) who also speak Spanish. in the fic he spoke Spanish with his family, who also had lines in Spanish. that author did kindly provide translations but tbh I didn't check the translations because the other thing about this fic was, it was clear from context what was being said without the translations because the dialogue followed canon-levels in this regard.

generally though, my preference would be for the tried and tested "A line of dialogue here," said character A, in Language. "The dialogue continues." it gets the point across.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

band RPF. before that I was writing fanfiction without knowing it was fanfiction or what fandom was, for stuff that Didn't End The Way I Wanted It To or similar. but first actual fandom writing? band RPF. it's backed up on a secondary ao3 account now, but this shit was first posted on forums and livejournal a billion years ago.

20. Favourite fic you've written?

listen. 224 fics written (that I know of, because the heavens only know what's been lost to the sands of time at this point) and you want me to pick ONE favourite? absolutely fucking not. also, recency bias is a thing.

i don't know man. let me pick at random:

Of Gilded Wallpaper and Meddling Dragons - Temeraire, 5,068 words

No Archive Warnings Apply, William Laurence/Tenzing Tharkay, William Laurence, Tenzing Tharkay, Temeraire, John Granby, Iskierka Augustine Little, Romance, Fluff and Humor, dragons being dragons, bisexual awakening, agony aunt!granby, an excessive amount of gilded wallpaper, laurence blames the weather for his being hot and bothered, Laurence POV, tharkay brings sexy back 

Summary: Laurence and Temeraire have been living with Tharkay for a scant two weeks when Laurence sends Granby a letter that essentially boils down to hi John how did you know you're gay also plz help I am in trouble.

5. animal crossing picrew

I was tagged by @dejlige-dage !

i have never played animal crossing but this was fun

i am tagging: YOU. if you've read this, you're tagged.

[fuckingarataswespeak]

Let me tell you about my morning

Ok so a few facts to start off with:

I really like maths (I'm not a whiz but I really enjoy it)

My phone never dies, I always make sure it is charged

I just graduated secondary school (highschool) and in ireland you have to sit tests at the end of school called your leaving cert which is your entire grade that gets you into a college

I did an alternative leaving cert course these last two years called the leaving cert applied (LCA) which is like a practical (and easy af tbh) version of the leaving cert, which does have exams at the end of the school, but is mostly consisted of projects throughout the year which gets you your credits

Because I really like maths, I was losing my mind in the LCA maths class, as it was literally so so so easy I wanted to explode, so my year head and course coordinater told me that i could take off certain LCA classes in order to do maths with the mainstream leaving cert

I was asked if I wanted to sit the mainstream leaving cert maths exam and I said yeah, since I had basically spent a year teaching myself the course (i only got to got to a couple of the maths classes a week so i mostly just studied for fun in my free time) but then I was told something along the lines of "no actually you cant sit the maths exam because blah blah blah stupid ass reason" literally like 2 days before exams started

The maths exam is split into 2, Paper 1 and Paper 2, each done on different dates.

Ok NOW we get into how my morning started off like.

I had no exams today so I was sleeping in like a normal person on a free day. I wake up to hearing sharp knocking on my front door. I am not clothed, as it was a warm night so i go "nah, fuck this" and go back to sleep.

The knocking happens again, and my brother goes down to answer the door. I hear someone talking to them and saying to wake me up in an urgent voice, so I spring out of bed and throw some clothes on.

I go downstairs to see 2 teachers from my school outside my house going "ABBY QUICK GET IN THE CAR YOU CAN SIT THE MATHS PAPER 2 EXAM!!!! IT STARTED AT 9:30 BUT IF YOU GET THERE BEFORE 10 YOU CAN STILL TAKE IT" (it was like 9:50-ish at this point)

One of the teachers was my school chaplain (Ms X) and the other was the one that helps organize the exams (Ms Y), both very lovely ladies. Ms Y goes "ABBY I RAN A RED TO GET HERE, I'VE NEVER RUN A RED IN MY WHOLE LIFE", and then ms X added "Yeah and she screamed FUCK while she did it"

So i grab my bag and hop in the car and

my god we

ZOOMED

there.

This woman who seemed like normally a very sensible driver broke SO MANY LAWS to get me there.

She ran 3 red lights. She wasn't "pushing the yellows". These were fully red lights she went through, at definitely speed limit breaking speeds.

Ms X jokingly asked if I wanted her to pray and i was like FUCK IT yeah sure and so we all started praying that my exam would go well and that we wouldnt be pulled over by the guardaí, or alternatively, die on the way there.

When we got the the school my vice principal was waiting for me and he opened the car door and i was told to leave my bag and we ran up the stairs together, and i got in just in time.

When i got out, made my way home and checked my phone after I charged it, I saw almost my entire family as well a bunch of staff members had been texting and ringing me to wake up for the exam

Anyways, as for how the exam actually went? It wasn't bad! I definitely did the very best I could've, considering i hadn't taken my adhd meds, I hadn't studied for like over a week for it, hadn't had breakfast and nearly lost my life on the way over

Anyways that was one of the most intense and fun mornings of my life



[demented-tours]

ADHD/Autism/Neuro-spicy/Exec Function Issues/Burnout Life Hack

So listen, as the owner and sometime operator of a brain with medium to hot neurospicy wiring, I occasionally struggle with... well. Everything. But particularly making myself do Small Tasks That Require One More Spoon Than I Ever Have Thanks To Having to Exist in this Dumpster Fire World AND Never Being Taught Anything Useful About Myself Much Less How to ACTUALLY Recharge or Regulate My Nervous System Which Only Has an "Actively Being Mauled By a Bear" Setting. (TM)

It's been a long few decades.

Anyway, as such, I have tried so many little ways to motivate myself, and some of them are decent, but I also have days where just... nothing seems to work.

Except this one thing. Now, it's only working NOW, but it seems to be working semi consistently, so I'm hopeful. Ish. As hopeful as I get anyway.

And it's low cost, requires no bullshit medical professionals or meds and it appeals to my competitive spirit and inner gamer nerd.

I figured I'd share here, though it's likely a terribly unoriginal idea, but hell, sometimes it's just reframing crap that you knew to be true once but forgot about it in the current depression-inspired stew.

We're gonna call this one Warmie Magic.

Step 1: Acquire/make a warmie. Those are the things you heat up and apply to body parts for relaxation/pain relief. They come in all shapes, sizes, stuffed animals forms. Let your sensory needs go wild. I like THIS ONE because it can be used on hot or cold settings and it comes unscented. It's also made for neck/shoulders, which basically always hurt. But they make them cheaper and in whatever shape you like. It just matters that you can heat it up in the microwave.

Step 2: Figure out your temperature setting timing for your warmie. For me, that warmie thing takes 4 minutes in my microwave to acquire that perfect near-scalding-yet-still-soothing temperature. Bonus if it's over 2 minutes of time, but really, whatever works, here.

Step 3: Fixate on some mundane, small task that you Need To Do: dishes. Laundry. List making. Toilet cleaning. Whatever. Put the warmie in the microwave, set the timer... Then get ready... get set... PUSHBUTTONANDGO! Try not to let your lack of body sense knock you into too many objects on your trajectory to the Task at Hand.

Step 4: Do the tasks for the duration of the short timer. You would be AMAZED at what you can do in 4 freakin minutes. Single load of laundry in machine. Or most of one load folded. Or at least a few pans washed. One toilet insides scrubbed. Dishwasher loaded/unloaded. Whatever--do it until the timer goes off.

Step 5: Stop the task, retrieve the warmie, and enjoy the sensory snuggle reward. Fuck about for a while.

Step 6: When the warmie is less warm, get up and repeat the process. OPTIONAL: Set another timer without the warmie and do it again while enjoying the sensory snuggle reward.

What I like about this is that I can trick my brain shit with the, "Well, hell, it's JUST four minutes" line. Or the, "We have to wait for the damn thing to warm up anyway, and it'll take fucking forever if we just stand here." Usually some combo, there, works. And it gives you a positive reinforcement reward that the body feels that isn't food oriented or what have you.

Obviously, your mileage will vary. All neurospicy settings are unique. I'm just going to enjoy this method while it manages to be effective. This is how I've made myself do my stretching routine, laundry, and dishes for the past few weeks, so...

This could also work for all sorts of things in all sorts of applications. I also used to write like this, sometimes. I'd set a timer for 30 minutes and just GO. Whatever happened in 30 minutes was golden. Six words or six thousand.

I've also done something like this with a snack pack of fruit snacks and I get one per tiny item completed because, yeah, my brain sometimes operates with a psychotic toddler's reward system setting. But it got the damn Wal Mart delivery unpacked.

Oh, and one last thing that's helped me... Do your breathing exercises to slow yea olde burnt out nervous system right after you pee. I can do a solid round of box breathing (5 seconds breathe in, 5 seconds hold, 5 seconds out, 5 seconds pause, rinse and repeat) while washing my hands. And sooner or later you have to pee so might as well use that as a functional reminder. Not that I remember to do this more than one time out of seventy, but in THEORY, it'd be great.

And now let's get back to our usual soft-porn-funny-shit-pretty-shinies programming around here.

<3Dee